#it's less important but i'm pretty sure i made straight A's again too

[army-of-bee-assassins]

i went to an end of the year party at a professor's house tonight, just hung out with my classmates and chatted. it was a nice time tbh! i like my classmates and they like me, which seems like a simple enough thing but still feels strange since i was so extremely antisocial back in undergrad. i'm even like semi popular in the cohort, i think bc i organize most study groups and speak up in class a lot with questions that people are sometimes too afraid to ask. i brought scones to the party and my classmates were talking about how they'd seen that i'd written scones on the sign up and they were all excited to try them. it was easy just talking to people. idk. i feel like grad school is just generally going better than i really ever expected, especially socially, and that's nice.

[rogersideup]

｡°✩ ♊︎ The Gemini♊︎ ✩ °｡

Chapter 6

Little Birdie

Series masterlist

Previous part: Rearview next part: Twinkles

Word Count: 7,800

Warnings: My blog is 18+ only. All minors or blogs without an age in bio will be blocked. Minors DNI. Mentions and descriptions of sexual acts, anxiety, and sever depression.

One week.

Steve made it one whole week without you.

It was one of the longest weeks of his life.

Every day for seven days straight he needed Bucky to convince him not to text or call you. That conversation usually happened as Steve paced around his living room, while Bucky sat on his couch, threatening to get up and rip the phone out of his hands.

He couldn't even text you outside of work hours considering you blocked his number from being able to do so, but that still didn't stop the itch he felt to just see your name on his phone screen again.

Both boys were in agreement that Steve eventually should reach out and try to fix the damage that was done, because if your situation at the compound needed to get better just for the chance that you would stay, you at least needed your best friends back. But Bucky knew you deserved time and space away from all of the drama to really process it and figure out how you wanted it to end.

Bucky also knew a week of no contact with Steve would help the both of you stop fueling the fire. The harsh words would settle, reflecting back on the situation wouldn't feel as dramatic, and maybe now Steve would finally find the right words without the sight of you every day.

Plus, he would be damned if he let Steve have a conversation this serious with you over the phone.

Sure, both boys were extremely worried about you. There were a few times Bucky wanted to call and check up on you too, but he knew his own feelings shouldn't come before yours right now.

Meanwhile, the week did you wonders. You spent your days reconnecting with everything you used to love. Your favorite restaurants in the area, old friends you barely got to see now that you lived so far, the old yoga studio you attended 4 times a week, and seeing your family every day was healing in ways you didn't even know your heart could reach.

Filling the mornings and afternoons with everything you loved was important, but you knew better than to completely disregard the real issues at hand. So every night you'd go on a walk to the pretty park a few blocks from your childhood home, and meditate under the moon.

With the one airpod you had left, you'd let music shuffle and allow the lyrics to guide your thoughts. Some were a little to sad to bare, others were so on the nose you couldn't help but to listen over and over again while allowing the words to comfort you like a hug you've really been needing.

You and Steve were still friends and shared a playlist on your favorite music streaming app. Every night at the park you could see he was listening to sad music, and knew he could see you doing the same. Dramatic? Maybe. Were the sad melodies making you feel understood and less alone? Absolutely.

Eventually he got brave and while you sat under the moon and admired the stars, your headphones read the newest notification.

Steve Rogers added new song to playlist: Little Freak by Harry Styles.

You sighed, but against your better judgement you let the song play to understand what he was trying to say to you. Though the song was familiar to you, all this music was new to Steve. He loved listening to all your favorite artists and bonding over the modern music. The message was loud and clear when you heard it.

"I was thinking about who you are, your delicate point of view, I was think about you. I'm not worried about where you are or who you will go home too, I'm just thinking about you. I disrespected you, jumped in feet first and I landed too hard. Broken ankle, karma rules."

You knew deep down that you shouldn't give him the satisfaction of a response. He didn't deserve to be invading your sacred space, he knew how much music meant to you. But on the other hand, he deserved to know how much he hurt you. If he got to send you a message through song, you deserved to speak your mind too.

So you added a new song to the playlist as well. My Tears Ricochet by Taylor Swift.

"Even on my worst day, did I deserve babe, all the hell you gave me? Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you till my dying day. I didn't have it in myself to go with grace. You're the hero flying around saving face. If I'm dead to you why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed? Look at how my tears ricochet."

After that, your phone was silent and nothing else was added to your playlist. You could see he listened to the song, then once it was over he was no longer active on the app.

You'd usually let your mind really reflect on what happened and what you wanted going forward, but you found that Steve took up most of your thoughts, and what to do about your career always came second to him.

It seems like your Mom and Dad's advice always leaned towards joining the Avengers. But why wouldn't it? All they ever wanted for you was to find something you love and run as far as you could with it.

Jane would've preferred you leave the field completely. You knew the nature of your job left her in a permanent state of unease about your safety, but you always reassured her that you were in good hands so you'd be okay.

Nathan was a little more understanding that not everything was so black and white, so he played devils advocate for all sides, and of course Luca wanted you to join the Avengers.

Hearing all of their perspectives was helpful to see the bigger picture, but at the end of the day, only Jane and Nathan knew the extent of what happened. You kept the whole Steve and Bucky situation away from your parents for the same reason you kept it away from Luca, you didn't want to ruin the illusion of a superhero for them.

Also.... Your parents really didn't need to know the nitty gritty on your escapades with the winter soldier.

All good things came to an end, especially having your whole family under one roof. After a whole week together, Jane, Nathan, and Luca had to go home to get back to their own life, while your mom and dad left to go on a few day vacation they had planned months ago. So it left you, and the family dog, Rocket, you happily agreed to take care of in their absence.

It was actually kind've nice to have time to yourself. You filled the day with morning yoga, brunch with a friend, some journaling and therapy, and a much needed nap. As the sun went down, you threw a toy around the house to try and get Rocket's energy out but it didn't help much. So after you cooked and ate dinner, you grabbed a tennis ball and walked him a few blocks to the park.

Luckily he was allowed off leash, and there was one other dog there for a little while that took an immediate liking to him, so they ran around and tuckered each other out while you sat on the grass and watched.

Eventually his little friend left, so it left just the two of you, the tennis ball, and the twinkling stars above head.

As lame as it felt to admit, the small spotty brown dachshund filled your soul with so much joy that you couldn't wipe the smile off your face. Throwing the ball, and watching his little legs carry him so far, so fast with tiny little hops was definitely one of the cutest things you've seen in a while.

He was a brave and trusting little creature in most aspects of life, but when the rumble of an approaching motorcycle got a little too loud for his liking, Rocket came running back to your side with his tail between his legs.

Sitting by your side, you picked him up and held him close to your chest while speaking calming words to him that he definitely didn't understand. You pressed little kisses to his forehead, and he licked your cheek in return causing you to laugh.

Feeling a little annoyed that the motorcycle pulled into the parking area for the park you were occupying on your own, you stayed vigilant of your surroundings. Fully prepared to leave when the man got off the bike, you set Rocket down and started reaching for his leash before the dog started running towards the man who was now walking towards the both of you.

"Hey! Rocket, no!" You jumped up from your spot to chase after the irrationality fast weenie. Tail wagging, and happy wiggles took over his little body as he hopped up on his back two legs to greet the stranger. "I'm so sorry! He usually never does this, I don't know why he's... oh."

I'm front of you stood none other than Steve Rogers himself, looking delectable and cozy in a cute teal crewneck and some casual pants with sneakers on. You immediately had a billion and one questions, but he was very obviously taken by Rocket who was also very obviously taken by Steve. There was a serious love as first sight situation happening as Steve leaned down with a big smile on his face to say hi to the little dog.

"It's okay!" Steve giggled, squatting down to get closer to Rocket. "He soooo stinkin' cute!"

"What are you doing here?" You asked, feeling throughly confused, and immediately feeling a little defensive and protective.

When he looked up at you, your arms crossed over your chest as a form of self soothing. It had been so long since you felt this uncomfortable energy, and having it ripple through your body once more felt like reconnecting with an old friend.

"Oh, I was just in the area." Steve said sarcastically, nonchalantly shrugging his shoulders.

"Right." You agreed. "Casually in the area two hours away from home... on a motorcycle?"

"An hour and 45 minutes is only an hour and 20 on a bike." Steve noted with a shy smile.

"And how did you know that this area you so happened to be in was the same place I was, even though I never told anyone where I was?" You tilted your head to the side.

"Oh, it's easy. A little birdie told me." Steve noted.

"What was the bird's name?"

"That's not important." He denied, still smiling at the dog but standing to his full height.

"I don't know, feels kind've important to me." You hated that you had to hold back a smile as you looked at him. And you hated even more that you couldn't stop thinking about how stupidly cute he looked with helmet hair and a cozy crewneck on.

"Do you want to sit and chat?" Steve asked, suddenly seeming nervous. "...if not that's fine we can talk a different time if you want."

"You came all this way just to talk?" You questioned.

Steve swallowed nervously as he nodded.

“You could've called me." You challenged.

"Sometimes I think the old fashioned way of doing things is better." He shrugged. "...Also you blocked my phone number after work hours."

You sighed and pointed to your blanket on the grass. "Sit."

He quickly nodded and obeyed your orders. He sat first, and you sat next to him, Rocket trailed behind with the tennis ball in his mouth before happily handing it to Steve.

"Who is this little guy?" Steve asked, throwing the ball for him.

"Rocket"

"Like the raccoon?"

“No, he's my parent's dog. They just thought the name suited him. But they're out of town for the next 3 days so he's mine until then." You explained.

"I heard you spent some time with your family. You look a lot happier, do you feel better?"

"So Jane was the birdie who told you where I was." You noted.

"Will not confirm nor deny."

"Mmm" you hummed, reading between the lines. "Yes, it was very nice spending time with people who love me. I do feel a lot better, but it's going to take a lot longer than a week to heal from everything that happened."

"Of course it will, but all that matters is that it's getting a little better everyday." Steve noted. "I don't know if this helps, but I think I put the fear of the devil into Harvey and all his friends. Should you choose to come back, I don't think they would be an issue for you anymore."

"Do I even want to know what you did to them?" You asked.

"I don't think the details really matter too much right now." Steve shrugged once more.

A very uncomfortable silence fell over the two of you, so you threw the ball for Rocket this time.

"Would you like to talk about the hard stuff?" Steve raised.

"Can't we just talk about the weather?" You complained, dreading the inevitable.

"It's pretty chilly out tonight." Steve noted. "You're not cold?"

"Nope." You exaggerated the P at the end of the word.

"Good chat." Steve giggled at the astronomical amount of discomfort and awkwardness you were exuding. "This is never going to get better if we don't talk about it."

"I haven't cried in a few days." You told him. "I'm dreading losing my streak."

"Crying is healthy, and so is expressing emotions." Steve told you. "For example, I really missed you and I've been worried about you for a while now, so I'm here to express that."

"Oh, so you weren't just in the area?" You questioned.

"I took my motorcycle to get to you as fast as I could, because I waited a whole week and every single day that passed by without me giving you a much needed apology was killing me slowly with an amount of guilt I didn't even know was possible for a human being to feel. So no, I was absolutely nowhere near the area."

"Was that the apology?"

"No." Steve denied. "I'm really sorry for everything that's happened. I feel like every interaction I've had with you this past month has been a really bad reflection of my character. I should've went about the whole situation with a lot more logic and understanding, and I should've just listened to you and Bucky before letting anger get the best of me. It wasn't fair to you."

Your eyes stayed fixed on Rocket as he hopped around the grass, he watched you slowly nod while processing his words. "I never meant to hurt your feelings, and if I knew back then what I knew now, Bucky and I would've never..."

"I know." Steve saved you from having to finish that statement. "And our last training was just... completely unacceptable. I wish there was a logical explanation as to why I was so upset that day. Quite honestly, every time I even start to think about it I feel just horribly embarrassed and completely mortified. I'm sorry for not listening to you and telling you that I didn't care. I'm sorry for scaring you and completely breaking your trust. Most importantly I'm really fucking sorry for hurting you. I should've listened better and walked you to medical the second you said something, and the fact that I only made it worse has kept me awake every night since it happened."

"Bucky said you were having a tough few days." You noted.

"It doesn't matter." Steve declined. "I need to do better than that, and I will. You were having some really hard days too, but you never used it as a reason to treat me like shit."

“I was pretty shitty to you."

"But within reason."

"I told you to ignore my existence, called you some not so nice names, yelled at you a few times..."

"Because I pushed you to that level of anger."

"The fact of the matter is that you felt that way because you felt disregarded and disrespected by Bucky and I, and for that, I'm sorry too." You apologized. "I know you weren't interested in hearing me out before when this all happened, and at the time none of the words really came out right. So if you're open to it, I feel like I'd really like a chance to explain the choices I made."

"Of course." Steve practically whispered with a subtle nod, throwing the ball once more for the dog. "But don't feel obligated to. I don't think I would've come all this way if I hadn't already forgiven you."

"This is never going to get better if we don't talk about it." You used his own words against him.

"Ah, so you do think we could make it better?" Steve asked.

"Why wouldn't I want it to get better?"

Steve sighed. "You made it pretty clear in a few different ways that you didn't want me as a friend or even around you at all anymore. A big part of me was expecting you to turn me away for good when I showed up here."

"Oh... sorry." You mumbled sadly, suddenly feeling bad about all the words you shouted at him out of pure, hot red anger.

"S'okay."

"Growing up, I was never really the center of attention for anything. I was never good at anything, I got straight B's in school, I had 2 friends at most. Even as I got older and went through high school I wasn't paid much attention to. I never had a boyfriend, I struggled a lot to make friends, once I even went to my teacher to ask him a question 4 months into senior year and he thought I was a new student even though I had been sitting in the second row of his class every single day."

"...yikes." Steve cringed.

"Yikes is right." You agreed. "I never thought I would exceed at anything at all in life. My big plans were finding a 5-9 desk job to make ends meet then just keep going until I didn't have to anymore. Then I discovered the joy of helping people, realized maybe I'm not all that bad at it, and before I knew it I was at Shield. Then all of the sudden I went from never getting much attention my entire life, to having all eyes on me at all times. I was being held to impossibly high standards, the boys wouldn't leave me alone, it felt like regardless of where I was in the building, there was this big huge spotlight on me."

Rocket had finally gotten too tired to play with his ball, so he came back to you and Steve, and laid down right next to Steve's leg. "Even I was hearing about you before you had made it to high enough ranks to work with me."

"Getting no male attention your whole life will kind've mess you up a bit, but going from no male attention to getting thrown into the compound where only a handful of other women work will mess you up a lot."

"Like throwing a zebra into a pack of lions."

"Even that feels like an understatement." You grinned. "Harvey was the first guy I met that didn't feel like he was going to eat me alive, so I stuck with him."

"He was your first boyfriend?" Steve asked, sounding genuinely appalled.

"He was my first everything." You admitted shyly. "I thought he was one of the good ones, like that one boy you waited your whole life for. But obviously I was stupid, and that turned out to be one of the bigger mistakes of my life."

"He's the stupid one, not you." Steve denied.

"When I met you and Bucky, it was a big breath of fresh air. You guys helped me realize that Harvey was bad for me, but at that point I was already convinced he would be the only guy who would ever be stupid enough to fall in love with me. So I stayed way longer than I should've, but in the meantime I felt like I had opened up to you and Bucky far more than I ever had to Harvey. We started training together and talking more, and at that point I felt like I had given you so much more of myself than I had ever given anyone else in my life. Which I know sounds odd, but we were having these really good conversations that made me feel really vulnerable but in a good way, and we had built so much trust and understanding of each other that I never had to question what your intentions were when you were around."

Asshole. Asshole. Asshole. That was the only word Steve could think of at the moment. How he felt, how he treated you, how he made you feel, he was an asshole.

"I'll spare you details, but after Harvey and I officially called it quits obviously I was really fucking sad. I wanted to see you, but you were away on a mission and I just needed to be with a friend so I went to Bucky's place instead. I had all of this new found freedom, paired with this gut wrenching feeling that I was going to be alone and unloved for the rest of my life, and a good friend in front of my face who was just so kind and gentle...things just happened. I wasn't the one to initiate, but I definitely didn't put a stop to it because for once it was really nice to feel wanted. We didn't even kiss or see each other naked, it felt like less of a big deal to me and far less vulnerable or intimate than most of the stunts and challenges I let you guide me through in training. Bucky and I weren't trying to be malicious and we had no bad intentions in our choice to not tell you, I was just afraid that you wouldn't understand and that you'd take it the wrong way. Which, with all due respect, you didn't understand and by the time I even got a chance to try to explain it to you, we were both so angry and defensive that none of the words would come out right."

Working up the courage to look at Steve to gauge any sort of emotional reaction from him, his face was full of remorse as his eyes stayed set on the dog as his hands gently pet his long body and scratched the top of his head.

You took the chance to take a deep breath and let your palm sink into the fluffy park grass, one last ditch effort to ground yourself before the getting into the hardest part of the conversation. "That fear of misunderstanding and miscommunication is exactly why you didn't tell me or Bucky or anyone for that matter that you liked me. And just like how the information about what Bucky and I did got to you in the wrong way at the wrong time, that information got to me in the very wrong way at the very wrong time. And just like you, I didn't understand, and I felt hurt and betrayed because of it."

You watched Steve's cheeks turn red before he hid his face in his hands and let out a groan, earning a little smile from you that he couldn't even see. "Can we just talk about the weather again?"

"Sure thing." You agreed. "I think I lied to you on accident, because now I am kind've cold."

"Wow I'll never forgive you." He joked dryly, mumbling into the palms of his hands.

"That's okay, we can add it to the list of dumb shit we gotta talk through." You giggled. "Well, seems like that covers the weather category again. Are you ready to come out of hiding?"

He peeked one eye out between his fingers. "No. I kind've wish the floor would swallow me whole right now."

"Wow, I didn't think that you had a weak spot, but I found it." You enthused.

Although it was at much too high a cost, seeing a genuine smile on your face for the first time in over a month was like a big breath of fresh air to Steve.

"I'm not covering my ears, I can still hear you perfectly fine. Please continue." He grumbled.

"Just to put you out of your misery and conclude that horrifically long sob story I just subjected you to..." You started. "I was only hurt in that moment because after fooling around with Bucky and getting the information that you liked me sprung on me, it felt like I had lost the only two people in the compound who didn't see me as or treat me like an object of some weird sexual fantasy. Part of me even felt mad and embarrassed at myself for believing that we could've been friends without you guys seeing me that way. Plus, I had all those people in the compound already saying the only reason I was getting so far in my career was because I was sleeping with you, and I so desperately didn't want them to be right. So, all of that being said, I'm sorry too, I should've never been so mean to you. I'm sorry that Bucky and I hurt you, I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions and not letting you explain yourself while accusing you of things you'd never do."

"Like I said earlier, I already forgave you." Steve slowly let his hands fall from his face, cheeks still stained a pretty pink color.

"That doesn't mean you don't deserve an apology." You reminded him. "We both hurt each other, it's not fair for you to take all the blame."

"I feel like I'm going to throw up" Steve took a deep breath.

"Don't do that" you shook your head. "Please don't throw up."

"I hope you know that our friendship has always meant a lot to me, and absolutely none of it was a scheme to sleep with you." Steve braved through the hard part of the conversation he absolutely wished he never had to think about again.

"Yeah, I do now." You reassured him. "I'm sorry I said that."

"I really just didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable." Steve explained. "Especially in an environment where you were already getting eaten alive. Plus I was your boss, and you had Harvey, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship... and, yeah, I dunno. It was just a mess. I didn't tell Bucky because I didn't want him to tell me to tell you. He figured it out on his own, by the way. Apparently my eyes twinkle too much, whatever that means."

"I'm not uncomfortable, and yeah, you do have really twinkly eyes." You grinned.

"I guess that's your fault" Steve jokingly sassed.

"Oh so now we're pointing fingers?" You took fake offense.

"From this point on, I'd really like it if everyone could just ignore the twinkle in my eyes so we can all get back to being friends like we were before." Steve said, giving you a really easy escape to officially denying him.

"But I think the twinkles are so pretty!" You enthused, giggling when you could practically see his heart drop.

"You shouldn't be saying things like that when you know I already feel like throwing up." Steve shook his head and clutched his stomach.

"But I mean it." You confirmed. "Knowing what I know now, why would we ever go back to being how we were before?"

Steve swallowed thickly, then his hands started exaggerated movements to further get his point across. "I'm trying to give you an easy way out of telling me you don't want me back in the same way."

"I understand, but that wouldn't be true." You giggled. "I do remember you stating very clearly that you aren't my boss anymore, am I remembering that correctly?"

"No, technically I'm not you b-" He rambled quietly.

"Do we think this would do anything to harm our sweet little Bucky boy?"

"No. He's been going out with Natasha and has been trying to get me to ask y-"

"You we're so kind as to cut me some deals, so I've got one for you too. Let's take some time to let everything settle and heal over, then when the time is right, we'll explore more of that little twinkle, alright?"

"Okay." Steve nodded wide eyed and enthusiastic.

"Yeah? Are you going to throw up?" You questioned with a smile.

"Maybe only a little bit." He continued nodding.

"I guess that's better than a lot-a-bit" you justified.

"So we're okay?" Steve asked, twinkly eyed and puppy dogged face.

"We're okay." You confirmed. "Can I give you a hug? You look like you really need it."

Steve opened his arms for you, and you both had to awkwardly lean over Rocket who was instantly stayed tucked next to his leg. Embracing him tightly, you realized just how badly you needed it too.

Both unwilling to let go for a little while, you took the time to appreciate his body heat that was a stark difference between the cold air outside.

"I'm sorry." Steve quietly apologized again.

"It's okay. I'm sorry too." You accepted. "I really missed you, Stevie."

"I missed you too, Bug. I've been so worried about you lately." One of his hands was very sweetly rubbing your back.

"Sorry." You sighed. "I've been trying my best."

"I know. That doesn't make me worry any less."

"I love you." You reminded him for the first time in a while.

Steve relaxed and let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding onto. "I love you more."

Although you could've hugged him forever, the two of you mutually unwrapped yourself from each other.

"How is your shoulder?" He questioned remorsefully.

"Oh, it's fine." You told him. "It feels so much better. I've been doing yoga all week and it's held up nicely."

"Good, that's good." He nodded. "And have you put any thought into what you're going to do about your job?"

"Everyone seems to want me to do something different." You sighed. "I've been coming here almost every night just to think about it. It's really nice that the sprinklers don't turn on at 10 pm."

“What do you want to do?"

"I think I know what I want, but I'm really scared of making the jump." You explained.

"I'm not here to talk you in or out of anything, I was just curious." Steve grinned. "You still have the rest of the week to think it through. But just know that I have no doubt in your ability to handle a big scary jump"

"I can usually only handle big scary jumps because most of the time, you're down at the bottom waiting to catch me." You admitted.

"Well regardless of what you choose, I'll still always be here for you." Steve reminded you sweetly. "I just hope you do what you think is best for you, and not what other people want you to do."

“That's the thing, I don't think I know what's good for me."

"Are you kidding me? You have great intuition." Steve said. "Your just need to gain back trust for that little voice in your head that's telling you what to do."

"The same voice that bullies me every day?!" You asked with a giggle. "Absolutely not, she gets no say in any of my choices nowadays."

Steve close lipped smiled at you, his dimples setting deep into his chiseled cheeks. "Then forget you even have a brain and listen to your heart."

"She's also been really problematic recently." You noted. "I don't like her very much right now."

His smile turned into a pout. "That sounds like a very tough thing to not like about yourself."

"Tell me about it." You agreed. "But we're working on it."

"Once again, I guess that's all that matters." Steve noted. "So you can't make a big decision with your heart or your head, and your shoulder is out of the question. We're running low on body parts."

"Maybe I'll let Rocket make the choice for me." You grinned at the sleepy dog.

"I think Rocket should be an Avenger... actually, I think Rocket should come home with me and be my dog instead." Steve smiled, petting the dog once more.

"My parents would hunt you down for sport if you ever took this dog." You giggled. "He's their favorite child."

"But I love him!" Steve pouted like a child. "He's just so fucking cute! Have you seen these ears?!"

"No pets allowed at the compound" You reminded him, nudging his arm. "Maybe that's all the more reason to quit."

“I think that's reason to break the rules, not to quit." Steve corrected.

"Captain America suggesting I break the rules?!" You questioned with a gasp.

"Am I not the same man who's whole career was founded off of breaking the law?" Steve questioned right back. "When have I ever followed the rules?"

"Wow, bad to the bone."

"That sounded sarcastic." He noted as his eyebrow raised in question.

"Me? Sarcastic? Never." You denied.

Rocket readjusted to get more comfortable, but crawled into the hole within Steve's crossed legs and curled up into a little ball in his lap, with his head resting on his thigh.

"Okay that's it." Steve declared, fists balling up to keep himself from unleashing his cuteness aggression on the creature in the form of hugging him so tight his eyes popped out of his head like a stress ball. "I can't take this anymore. How bad would your parents beat me up if I stole this dog? Because really, I think I could take the beating."

"I simply cannot express to you how much taking this dog away from my parents is not an option." You laughed at his question. "I think my Mom would run you over with her car."

"No way she would do that." Steve shook his head. "She was so nice when I met her!"

"She would not be nice if you stole her weenie." You pointed out.

"Come on, she gave me a hug. No mom that's giving out free hugs could ever hit me with a car."

"That's where you're wrong. Because any woman that has so much love for her kids would do anything to seek rightful justice if you did anything to fuck with them." You corrected him. "Even if she's five foot nothing, and you're Captain America. Don't mess with her baby."

“Oh no" Steve's eyes went wide.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh shit." He panicked. "Do your parents hate me?"

"No? Why would they hate you?" You questioned with a nervous laugh.

"Because I accidentally fucked with your Mom's baby and now she's going to do anything to seek rightful justice." Steve clutched the fabric of his sweater right over his chest. "The throw up is coming back."

"I didn't tell them anything about you or Bucky, other than that you didn't let me quit right in the spot." You explained. "They love you and all of the Avengers too much for me to ever ruin their perception of the people who make them feel safe."

"So why do they think you're here?" Steve asked.

"I only told them about Harvey and the general issues I'm having with all of the other agents."

"Your sister knows." He said. "She made a weird comment..."

"She always makes weird comments, that's just what makes Jane, Jane." You smiled. "Yes, she knows, but she likes you a lot. I think she even took your side, she's been advocating for you the whole time."

"She's going to tell your mom, and your mom is going to hunt me for sport."

"No she won't, and even if she does find out about it, she's a very rational person. As long as we're fine, she's fine." You explained. "Look I'll prove it to you, say cheese!"

Quickly taking your phone out of your pocket and pointing the camera at Steve and Rocket, he smiled and you snapped a picture. He watched you type away for a few moments.

You sent the picture in a group chat with your mom and dad, then immediately got a response.

"See! Look! I said, look who came by to hang out with your favorite child." You giggled at your screen, turning it towards him so show that you sent them the picture. "My mom responded and said omg, Dad is honored. We don't know who is cuter, Rocket or Captain Rogers."

"Okay now ask if I can steal the dog." His cheeks turned an even brighter shade of pink.

"I thought the point was to make sure my mom liked you" You laughed, locking your phone and putting it on the grass besides you. "Trust that I'm doing you a favor."

"Fine, but I'm not happy about it." He joked.

"I didn't know you felt so passionately about wieners, Steven." You giggled.

"What can I say? There's nothing better than kicking back and playing with a wiener." He ran with your joke.

"A nice, long wiener."

"This is ridiculous" Steve's face scrunched up, earning more of your adorable laughter.

Like no time had passed, you and Steve sat and chatted away for a few hours. You could tell the comfortable conversation was helping him resolve his own internal guilt, so you were happy to stay and chat for as long as he needed. But selfishly, you missed him more than you ever wanted to admit to yourself.

His adorable smile and pretty pink cheeks lit up a part of your heart that you had felt so disconnected from for so long now. And as the night grew colder, and significantly later, he couldn't just ignore the occasional chills that would make you momentarily shiver. You kept ignoring them and playing them off just to spend more time with your sweet friend, but eventually you ended up tucked underneath his arm and snuggled up to his side for warmth while Rocket stayed glued to his lap.

There was little you could do to ignore how comfortable and familiar it felt to be sharing warmth with the soldier. By all means, both Steve and Bucky were touchy people on a normal day to day basis, plus all of the training you did with Steve made you very comfortable with his skin on yours.

But this was different. His head that nestled on top of yours that rested on his shoulder, his big hand on the top of you arm keeping you close and snug against him, paired the gentle and quiet volume in his voice wasn't just friendly.

His hold was apologetic, and almost regretful. It was reconnecting, and mending. You could feel all of his unspoken words seeping out from his warm body to into your cold one, and you wondered if he could feel the same thing happening to him through your timid hand resting between his shoulder blades.

Just based on his calm breaths, but still racing pulse that you could feel on his neck, you knew it was different for him too.

But it was a good different, a hopeful and very exciting different.

Much like your shivers that you ignored and played off, Steve was trying to mask his yawns. Unfortunately, this was something that you couldn't ignore. Especially when you pressed the button on your phone and the screen informed you that it was already 11:52pm.

"As sad as I am to have to put an end to this, it's already almost midnight and your crazy ass drove an hour and a half here on a motorcycle." You reminded him.

"I just got you back, I don't want to leave you again." He pouted.

"I don't want you to leave either, but I'd prefer if you got home safely." Your timid hand now gently rubbing short stripes on his back. "Or you can stay the night with me here if you'd like."

A sleepy grin overtook the sat pout. "Thank you, but once again I don't want your parents to hate me. Plus I have my stupid annual physical in the morning."

"My parents wouldn't hate you, they'd rather you be safe than drive home tired."

"I'm not that tired, I'll be okay." He reassured you. "And you can't come back to the compound?"

"No, I have to watch Rocket." You reminded him. "But I'll see you in a few days at least. I'll be back before the end of the week."

"Oh, you'll be back?" He raised an eyebrow, challenging your statement.

"To give my official resignation at the very least, or to move all of my stuff into the Avengers sector at the very most. Who's to say what's going to happen?" You giggled.

"Well, when you need help moving let me know. I know a couple guys that can lift a few thousand pounds at a time, it helps the process go by really fast." Steve egged you on.

"Uh huh, I'll keep that in mind." You rolled your eyes with a smile, and wrapped your other arm around his front to squeeze him in a sideways hug. "Thanks for coming all the way here. It was really nice getting to have a conversation with you, I really missed spending time together."

"Of course. Thank you for even giving me the chance to explain myself. If I were you, I don't know of I would be able to be that gracious." He squeezed your shoulder in appreciation.

"There isn't much I wouldn't do for you." You grinned.

"Oh yeah? What wouldn't you do?" Steve questioned with a chuckle.

"I won't let you steal my moms dog." You stated. "Which reminds me, I'm going to need that back."

"Okay, I guess you can have him back. " Steve smiled and picked up the little fur-ball from his lap and placed him on yours instead. "Thanks for letting me play with your wiener."

"Feel free to come back and play with my wiener anytime." You laughed at his joke, unwrapping yourself from him as he started standing up.

"What an incredible offer, thank you" Steve smiled, now standing over you and offering you his hand to help you up.

"Like I said, anytime." You playfully winked.

Quickly putting on Rockets leash, you set the dog on the grass and accepted Steve's hand. He pulled you up effortlessly and bent over to grab your blanket from the grass.

"How far away is your parents house?"  Steve questioned, subconsciously folding the blanket.

"About two blocks" You shrugged.

"Can I walk you guys home?" He asked, eyes twinkling once more as he shoved his hands in his front pockets to keep them warm.

"Absolutely not" You denied.

He was immediately pretending to be offended with a big gasp and hand whipped out of his pocket and over his heart. "Ma'am, it is pitch black out here and it's already midnight."

You laughed at his response. "Sir, it's pitch black and midnight. Your motorcycle is right there. I'm not letting you walk me two blocks in a neighborhood I'm familiar with because that means you'll have to walk another two blocks back here all by yourself somewhere you've never been. Logistically it makes no sense."

Steve puffed and furrowed his eyebrows. "What if some creepy dude comes and tries to mess with you? Huh? Then what?"

"Then I use all my big and scary self defense moves that Captain America taught me." You answered. "Also, do you not see this big scary guard dog? Nobody is going to fuck with me."

His pout deepened. "What if you start walking home and some dude on a motorcycle follows you all the way home?"

"Is that what's going to happen?" You giggled at his question.

"If you keep saying you're not going to let me walk you home then maybe it will." Steve shrugged.

"I've been walking by myself this late every single night for a week now." You told him. "It's always been fine, it'll be fine again."

"Now you're just trying to give me a heart attack." Steve deadpanned, earning your laugh once again.

"So I'm a good enough fighter to be an Avenger, but not good enough to walk to my parents house by myself?" You asked.

"Yes, exactly!" Steve enthused. "So glad we could have this conversation to clear that up, come one let's get you home."

His arm linked around yours and he started walking. "I think you're absolutely out of your mind, but I appreciate you nonetheless."

Looking up at his face just in time, you caught his smile. "The second half of that statement is really the only part that matters to me."

Your steps synched up with his, and Rocket walked ahead of the two of you. "Hey, Stevie?"

"Hmm?"

"If you actually want to get me home, we should be walking in the complete opposite direction" You grinned.

Steve stopped and laughed. "Okay, you lead the way."

You did eventually make it home, and only when you stood on the door step did Steve let your arms disconnect.

"Look we made it here and nobody died!" You enthused. "Do you remember how to get back?"

"Of course I do" Steve giggled at your question. "It wasn't even two full blocks."

"Just making sure" you raised your hands in defense. "Are you sure you don't want to stay?"

"I would if I could." His thankful grin showed off the shallow dimples in his cheeks. "See you soon?"

"In a few days" you nodded in confirmation.

He stuck his arms out for one last hug, and you accepted happily. After he let go of you, he bent down to say bye to Rocket.

"Drive save! Text me when you get home." You told him.

Steve's face scrunched up for a second, causing you to look at him in confusion.

"What's wrong?"

"You blocked my phone number" He reminded you with a loud whisper.

"I'll unblock it, but text me when you get home" You giggled.

"Okay great!" Steve smiled big and did a little happy dance. "Goodnight!"

"Goodnight, love you!"

"Love you more!" He waved as he walked down the driveway.

Next Part: Twinkles

Taglist: @sarangheay @firephotogrl74 @selella @talesofadragon @ss28 @nekoannie-chan @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @spikeluv84 @crazyunsexycool @callmissrogers @xxxalicerogersxx @whore-for-chris-evans @em8rin @mulbsstuff @qalijahbydior @awkotaco24 @buckybarnessimpp @nicoline1998enilocin @buckystevelove @rogersbarber @mybuck @dbnightingale24 @ynstark @sincerelytlh @alexakeyloveloki @mrsevans90 @smhnxdiii @claralovescaptainamerica @hisredheadedgoddess28 @bigtreefest

[camrensrealbish]

Hello, hope you are doing well, I have a theory.

Remember when Camila said she had sex for the first time with that old dumbfuck idiot?(LMFAO). Anyways, this makes sense. Not because it is true of course not, it’s false because 1) that was PR 2) Camila will never fall for his dumbass 3) Camren was actually together during the PR ( AMA, 2018! And number of indirects which were not coincidental) 4) this is subjective because I believe Camila is a lesbian. It makes sense because the narrative made by her team is that she was never in love before Matthew and then again changed it to Shawn( lmfao, they can’t keep it consistent) C being a romantic hopeless fell in love with Matthew and “gave her virginity to him” (🤮) and then she always had a crush on Shawn and ended up being with him after dumping Matthew. That didn’t work out, she tried to move on with a dude who made an app or something (don’t know don’t care) Shawn and C tried again didn’t work out again because he is a person who needs help( lmfao, he does need help with singing especially) and now is in a era of basically just being happy with herself and exploring.

Now, this is interesting(I think), basically the narrative is saying she didn’t explore her sexuality until she was 20( funny how it also destroy the myth of those leaked texts between her and Michael from 5sos) this could be potentially used when she will come out of the closet. Saying, “ I am exploring my sexuality now and I discovered I like women too so I am bi/ pan(whatever her team thinks suits her better)” this also just proves( at least for the GP) there was nothing between Camren back in the band days (sure, Jan), leading to the future where they could come out as a couple without exposing their past. (If they are still together) . I believe this for one more reason as recently in an interview, Lauren said “I was the only queer in the group….AS FAR AS I KNOW” I think it is self explanatory why that is important. Another thing is how much Gaymila has been out. I could be wrong, but then again nothing is coincidence with these two. What do you think?

😅😅 he does need help with singing especially 😭

I love you 😅

Thanks for submitting this, I had a great time reading it. And yes, I think your theory is correct.

Speaking of one more thing that doesn't make sense in this timeline, Camila wrote "Camila" before Matthew. She sings about sex there, and not in a metaphorical sense or whatever nonsense they are trying to call it now, and I'm pretty sure she was talking about it in interviews at the time (Zach Sang interview if I'm not mistaken).

Coming back to your ask, they've been covering the grounds in case she decides to come out one day since 2019. They can keep advising her against it, but ultimately they can't stop her from coming out if she decides to do soq. So they made sure it doesn't turn against them (Epic, managers, etc.) when she does. Lauren saying multiple times by now that there might be other 5H members who weren't queer back then but might be now (literally why would you say that 😅) is a big clue for us that they're planning for this eventuality that Camila might come out.

I think she's a lesbian too, but if/when she does come out it will be as bi, to fit all her PRs and everything people know about her so far into this story. And this way it's less risky too, because it doesn't alienate straight people as much 🙄. They really care about seeing themselves represented in media 🙄🙄🙄.

The thing is, I'm not so certain she wants to come out anymore. She definitely doesn't seem as keen on it as she used to be. But I truly hope she does one day, simply because I'd like to see it 🥹.

[stormoflina]

Hello again! It's the same overly talkative anon from the last ask lol

I wanted to talk more about the social media thing, which it sounds like you have a lot to talk about too! I didn't follow Dom when he was at Leipzig but I'm going to go out on a limb and assume the spotlight and reaction to him on social media was not as big as it now but I know he's like the king of Hungary (in a good way) anyway I say that because when it comes to the prem the fans and media are a lot less forgiving and love to put players in a box.

For instance Dom is very handsome (as are a lot players in Liverpool) but he's gotten labeled as the pretty boy who cares more about his hair than he does about his performances which is silly because every player cares about their outward appearance that's why they get haircuts and tattoos and etc. It's kind of similar with people screaming from the rooftops that Trent can't defend if he makes one missed tackle.

Anyway I think if Dom was less attractive or less confident people would stop raging about him loving the camera, if anything it's just a reaction to how good he looks on camera. Personally I already know he has a nice face and I still get caught off guard when he pops up on the TV, bless the dinosaurs that made the fuel to bring his parents together 🤣

Hii! 🫶🏼

Apologies for the late answer! I started writing a whole ass novell to you, then lost internet connection and I lost everything. But maybe it's for the better, because I was borderline psychoanalysing people lol. 😭

I admit, I couldn't really stomach following RB Leipzig just for him lol, I only started paying more attention to them (well Domi, and they came with him) after Marco Rose became their manager - I really like that man - so, I don't know tbh how he was perceived by their fans or even in the media really. What's evident is that he was a favourite of the social media team, judging by their insta haha. In Hungary, it's very hit or miss. He is either perceived as basically the Chosen One from the Footy Gods, or very harshly, unfairly criticised hated on for everything. There are a surprising amount of miserable people who are hoping that he will flop hard as a rock in Liverpool, but then again, he is still much more beloved, especially ever since he became the captain. Our sports media, hmm, let's just say, very amateur, and because Dominik is our most successful player he gets his ass kissed ever since he signed for Liverpool. The thing is with that however, is that they try to frame it more like a Hungarian success story, rather than the success story of Dominik, if that makes sense. So it's not really about the persona of Dominik, but rather the Hungarian who did something that not many could in the last few decades. Or at least that's how I see it overall.

However, all this vain, egoistical gimmick is not something that has been present in his usual criticism until recently. I mean it makes sense, the media needs characters, easily noticeable one or two traits they can give to players to sell the stories and the narrative better, and let's be honest, Dominik is a very easy target for that. For one, yes, that he is objectively a handsome man, but what I think is even more important is the way he carries himself. I think he is not someone, who will 'bow down' if that makes sense, he has a strong personality, a strong trust and sense of himself and his abilities, and he is very honest about that. The media loves underdog stories, especially for people like Dominik, but it's very evident that he doesn't lean into that. Even in Hungary, he asked the journalists multiple times, to stop listening to all his achievements, calling him the nt's best player, trying to sell the story of the 'poor hungarian lad who somehow did the unthinkable'. He seemed pretty rejective towards these underdog PR questions they tried to do with him in the start, which honestly from a straight PR point turned out to be a mistake for him, for sure hahah. But I can respect the dedication to be true to his morals and character, rather than playing the well-crafted PR character.

This turned out into me, rumbling I'm so sorry. I truly can talk a lot. 😭😭 Please, don't be shy to do the same, I absolutely love reading all your options!! 💗

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

For the first time in probably... 5 years? Bit more? Bit less? I rewatched A Silent Voice. I wanted this to bookend the KyoAni groupwatch because it's pretty much their only standalone feature film, and I already know it's good and I like it, so it seemed like a nice spot to finish off with. And, yeah. I feel a little more complete having done this. Also feels like spring cleaning in a sense because I torrented the ITBD release and that was a clean 40GB I've finally gotten to delete lol.

But anyway. I've kind of had a bit of an arc with this movie. I watched it a long time ago, honestly think I gave it a 10 at first, and then hovered it down to a 9 at some point, and I'm pretty sure that happened when I read the manga. For a while there I thought the manga was straight up better, primarily because the manga is more. It's longer, there's more time spent on the supporting cast, there's more scenes pertaining to the main cast, there's an entire subplot about making a movie, and it continues for about a full volume's worth after the movie ends. And, you know, that's all a good thing, right? Everyone's fleshed out, there's more time with these characters, their relationships are better realised, it's all good.

But at some point, and I admittedly couldn't really tell you when, I started to prefer the movie. I haven't reread the manga whereas I've rewatched the movie several times which probably caused this, but I noticed that I'd basically forgotten everything that had happened in the manga that wasn't in the movie, and I think that's because I kinda stopped caring. Like the characters are more fleshed out, yeah, but when I'd be remembering the series I'm only really remembering Shouya and Shouko plus to a lesser extent Yuzuru. There's a movie making arc, but do I care? The best part about this story by far is Shouya and Shouko. Two wounded individuals trying and struggling to reconnect with each other but also their desire to live at all. It's a story of guilt and of redemption and of how painful it can be wanting to live despite everything. At some point I'd convinced myself Naoko Yamada and Kyoto Animation made the right call cutting a lot of stuff from the manga, because it gives the story a clearer focus on its best part. Their relationship is the thing that I care about and it's the thing the movie decided was the most important. Just cut the bullshit, the movie's better for it.

And so we get to today's arc, wherein I feel like I've realised that the movie simultaneously cuts too much and yet too little at the same time. It does focus primarily on Shouya's story of redemption and his development with Shouko, but a lot of other things are still kept, sometimes to the movie's detriment. Does the movie benefit from having Mashiba be a character? He's fleshed out in the manga but in here he just shows up, wants to be friends, and then gets yelled at. Shouya and Shouko's whole narrative would feel less muddled without him. Although at the same time he was a fleshed out character in the manga and it'd be better if that came across in this adaptation at all. Like you can cut him and it'd be better or you could have more of him and it'd be better. We're basically in a sour spot where entire parts of the movie don't really work because they should have a different level of focus - whether it's more or less. Entire swathes of this movie feel somewhat meandering because it doesn't commit to either approach. It wants to present everyone faithfully but it also cuts a lot of everyone's scenes to focus on Shouya and Shouko stuff. This leads to this whole thing where certain characters like Ueno and Kawai are really hard to get a read on because we don't spend the time we do with them in the manga. But again if we did it might just be sorta boring? Like do you see the problem I'm having. The movie's caught between a rock and a hard place. There's a perfect version of this story somewhere but it's neither the manga nor is it this anime. Cutting like half the cast is probably my preferred option but that's also a little nuclear and enough of them are important to where that probably wouldn't work. But again it doesn't really work as-is and it mostly works in the manga but it's also a little dull. There is no victory to be found.

And with those very mixed feelings aside that I don't think I communicated all too well, I have in fact lowered my score for this movie once again, and now it is down to... 8/10 lol. Yeah no I can say all that shit but I mean the movie's still an audiovisual masterpiece and has a fantastically written lead pair and tons of very strong emotional moments, like I still found myself crying several times during this rewatch. It's got by far the best depiction of bullying I've seen in anime such that the things it has to say about why bullying happens and what it does to people feel extremely potent and relatable. There are characters I don't love if everything I already said wasn't proof enough but certainly the lead pairs' family members in particular are incredibly likeable and compelling characters that are involved for lots of the strongest scenes in general. There are aspects in which the movie is a little confused and I think should've been adapted slightly differently but god damn if it isn't a gripping story all the same.

That's all from me, bye lol.

[archandshri]

Creative Intentions for 2024 from Shri - 02/Feb/2024

Hi Archie! Yesss returning to the humble sketchbook is always such a joy! Especially when working through an artistic or personal problem.

I totally agree with the anatomy thing you mentioned, it’s so boring (and unrealistic) to learn something in one sitting, so implementing it slowly when you can, is great! 

I actually don’t work on anatomy unless I find I’m struggling with a specific bit in my final work e.g. I'm drawing someone and their hips don't look right, I’ll go and do some quick studies on it to solve that problem. I'm not sure if this is the right way to do it but it's how I do it and it works for me.

Definitely a bit existential for the first post but it's always good to keep a critical mind about your practice, always checking in with it. Because if you know why you do things, you can do it with more intention than before. In both your creative practice as a whole and your whole person-nes. Knowing why you do things is so important.

Quick update on my endeavours

I’ve got a few projects on the go at the moment, 

A short 8-page comic for a publishers

T-shirt for a friend’s t-shirt design

Plymouth Comic and Zine Fair which is around the corner (which I still need to prep for *sweats profusely*)

Continuing on my comic Again.

I’ve just finished a project for my sibling's friends making ten emoticon reactions for their YouTube channel (it’s a League of Legends channel). I’ve put a few below of my favourites. :)

What I did well in this project was - The nose, God I love drawing noses so much! The hands a looking pretty good too.

What I can do better for next time - Do a few more studies on the person I’m drawing and really look at how I can translate their unique features into my simplified style; diversifying my characters and drawing.

Anyway to the actual post, I thought my first actual post could be about the intention I want to set for my artistic practice this coming year. With a small overview of last year in terms of my creative practice

Overview last year

Last year was basically my first year out of uni (out of education completely *gasp*) which was a huge adjustment and it took me a long time to pick myself up from the post-uni sad boi hours.

Once I got back on my creative feet I jumped straight into my projects intending to fill the gap in my portfolio and update it, as well as making dummy books/pitches.

I managed to complete one dummy book, made one self-published picture book and go to Thought Bubble!!! With a few single illustrations, testing single image storytelling.

I had a gap between July and November, where I was working on two big projects, which is great but it would be a lot better to stagger work a bit more effectively, making sure I have only one big project while working on smaller ones to keep work flowing smoother.

This year I’d like to:

Complete the first volume of Again comic

Death is relative pitch set-up and ready for pitching

Complete my cover project (finish the last two covers)

Be a bit more confident in graphic design

Start the habit of sketching in life more

Learn a bit more about how to use a Carma

Doing small ‘final’ illustrations for socials and experimentation.

Be a bit more confident in graphic design

I want to be a bit more confident in graphic design within my illustration. This has been on my to-do list for years! So this year I’ll actually give it a go this year!

Start the habit of sketching in life more

I would like to do more life drawing in my day-to-day life. This is to record the smaller moments in my day-to-day life both for inspiration/ideas and practice/learning. So I'll start keeping a sketchbook in my pocket more often so when I commute to and from my day job or go about my day I can visually record more of these small moments.

Learn a bit more about how to use a Camera

I want to set myself this year is be a bit more confident around a camera. This had less to do with illustration but more my overall practice. But for so many years I've been hopeless with cameras all my life. So I finally want to be able to practically use a camera for both product photos and adding to my overall creative practice

Doing small ‘final’ illustrations for socials and experimentation.

This last one is something I’ve only briefly thought about, and it's come mostly from the fact that working in publishing you work on such long turnarounds, so to keep things fresh and creative I thought it might be fun to do some really small 'final' illustration more often. in the past, it's these sorts of things that are the original inspiration for my books and other projects. :)

And finally, I mention this in my recent endeavours but I’d love to continue improving in capturing subtle fetchers in my characters, as for a long time I had a terrible case of same-face syndrome. I’m a bit better nowadays but I still want to develop things like face shapes, eye shapes and placements because using only different skin tones in characters is not really diversifying anything.

Lats notes is the one thing I have in the last year fallen head-over-hills for is NOSES! God, I love drawing all the different kinds of noses, At the moment my favs are the Roman Nose, the straight-down nose and the Hooked Nose.

Anyway, that's it for me for this week, hope you all have a lovely week and a good dinner!

[haruharuz]

Hey

I saw that you currently in the process of learning Korean. I also wanna do, problem is that every resource (Books, Grammar Books etc) start somewhere else and often provide the stuff i dont consider important to learn first (for example i dont need to know the words for Aunt or Uncle right away as i dont have any and don’t think that would be a beginning conversation topic) so i wanted to ask: how do you learn? When do you learn Grammar? Which words did you learn first? Any other tips you have?

OO oo! A question about Korean !! Yay!! Okay so this might be a bit of a long answer but I highly encourage you to read through it.

Something really important to understand is that while those lessons might not seem important, they are. In Korean, you're much less likely to call someone by their name, especially if they're older. This is why they're teaching you things like "aunt" and "uncle" in korean. Because you typically refer to someone by their title and not their name. Now this does change, you CAN refer to people by their name, but it's kind of complicated and you can learn about that later.

Secondly, I use multiple resources but the two highly encouraged will be talk to me in korean and how to study korean.

Talk to me in Korean is typically much easier to grip onto and understand for people, the lessons are very simple and plain. Where as How to study korean goes into a lot of detail and can sometimes be confusing but it is really good for when you need the nitty gritty of some grammar.

Here's what I recommend as someone who has failed time and time again and learned from my mistakes!

Learn the alphabet (it takes about an hour and a half)

Learn basic vocabulary (NAVER dictionary is your friend) and so are anki flashcards

Learn basic grammar (How to study korean / talk to me in korean)

Immediately begin immersion (listen to music, watch shows in korean, begin reading in korean even if you don't understand it)

Use a language exchange app to further your learning

Something I want to stress is that a large part of learning a language is doing pretty much everything at once. An example of a good study routine for korean would be : Vocabulary flashcards > Grammar practice > Immersion > Post to language app

For practicing grammar, take sentences you see and spend time breaking down each part of it. Grammar and all. This will help you get a good grasp on where things are placed in korean!

Listen listen listen! You have to learn how to hear Korean. You can't just magically understand it, there are double consonants etc that are REALLY difficult to distinguish from eachother especially at first. So make sure you're reading, listening, and speaking (out loud) daily. That was a big mistake I made.

My first ever word / phrase in Korean was 배고파요! (bae-go-pa-yo) In Korean, this means "I'm hungry!"

I wanna get into some personal tips about it!

Don't ever let anyone immediately speak in banmal (informal) to you! That is a huge cultural no-no, they're just doing it because they think they can disrespect you. They need to speak formally until permission is established.

When you're talking to someone in korean, do not use 당신 for "you" It's considered disrespectful

Speaking of that, Korean's don't state the obvious. If everyone knows who you're talking about (as in it has been established previously) or it's just super obvious, you don't need to say "i/you/etc" because they already know.

Culturally, Korean people tend to avoid being "too straight forward/too blunt" I'm not sure why, but it's a really big deal there. If you're very blunt, they'll be shocked.

Kids shows and songs in korean will be easier for you to grasp than watching something complex!

Don't be afraid to text people in korean :0 typically Korean people are very sweet when it comes to mistakes. You'll run into some assholes but that's everywhere.

If you have disney plus, watch movies and shows in korean (you can change it in the little sttings for subtitles)

Other stuff and resources:

Test your Korean listening

Listen to korean on your commute

Korean children song

Here's some phrases and words I recommend learning first:

Stop that!

I'm hungry.

I want to eat

Did you eat well?

How have you been?

Sorry!

Please

Of course/Right

Learn well and good luck! You can always send me an ask if you are having trouble and need some help looking for grammar etc. Just remember, it may seem useless to learn certain words/things but it is vital to your fluency later on.

[verkele]

Hello again. It's been quite a while. Again. Guh whatever. I suppose all those other things I had thought about rambling about through the summer and such are kinda more or less expired by now so I'm choosing not to bother playing much catch-up with it all. Not like anything important really happened anyway. Just the same old same old burnout slog day to day with hardly any content aside from "went to work", "did whatever", "saw some shit", "vegetated..." and so on. New car been alright, old car still unfinished, kinda had no energy to work on it like at all this summer. Was gonna do some stuff for it at work but it's kinda getting shitweathers o clock of the year so idk if it'll just have to accumulate another year worth of additional rust to fix next year. Still been working a whole lot of dev shit on chompstation stuffs and that has pretty much been all the "productive" stuff I've managed to do in a while. Met nephew again at grandma's visit with all siblings and dogs and Jetta taught him to pant like a dog lmao. Also finally decided to go fuck celiacs whatever we ball. My brother already did that a couple years back and he's been doing alright, and so far this first cheat weekend hasn't yet wrecked me either after two whole ass pizzas of regular sort. Of course I ain't gonna be reinstating the poison grain as my main staple or anything so it's kinda just maybe a little now and then thing for now. Frankly enough I feel like doing that has actually finally given me the energy to write up this ramblepost I've been putting off for months. Hell I even made coffee at home for two days straight after a long long time of only ever having a little bit at work coffee breaks. And sure enough, it's now working as coffee is supposed to. The previous times I had made any at home this year just kinda only had me sleepy and blasting ass, but this weekend's stuff? None of that crap. Feeling like a living person again. I should probably get my teeth fixed again though. Something's probably cracked and acting up, and there's been a couple unbothersone pieces missing for a long time that I just haven't been giving a shit about. Maybe I'll try and get my eyes checked too even tho I still don't know what to even do about those. These wack-ass spookeyes I mean, cause I don't think there's glasses that could even fix the little un-blurry retroreflection artifacts that kinda get a bit annoying sometimes. Or even who to contact for the possible chimera tests and whatever. It's all just the kind of "Hello I am a real fairytale creature please don't throw me in padded cell" kinda unreality bullshit. I'd have to pull up to the scientician's lab in a goddamn flying saucer to have any kind of credibility for my outlandish claims lmao. Not gonna be giving any productivity promises for now though despite of the little upward blip in the life vibe situation, but who knows, maybe I might get somewhere again sooner or later. Luck issue or whatever.

TL;DR Still being a weird little shit on the same old bullshit and hubris :v

[sansloii]

META + legacy // for Dakota

Dakota, whose younger sister is Dead, who doesn't even speak to the rest of her family, and who isn't even sure she wants kids—much less if she'd be a good mother or if she wants to raise a kid in a world that where her child has a target on their back...

I think I'll split it into two parts. First we'll address legacy as it pertains to family. I think the above explains it pretty well. Dakota is not considering leaving behind a legacy in the form of a child. At all. Like….if she meets someone that really makes her want that, it'd probably be a long discussion that spans months. Or maybe even years. It's not something she's going to spontaneously decide to pivot to because it'll take time. She'll need to start preparing a cushion years before this kid is born and make sure that she and her partner are like fully prepared for her to either completely step away or get used to a new normal. they'd need new names, new identities, would probably need to leave the country, and so much more.

There's also the question of "will my kid want to do what I do — despite me not wishing that for them — or can I provide enough of a buffer for them to genuinely live a normal life" because it's not like Dakota or her partner having a child will be taken lightly. No matter how respected or feared she is, people will target her kids — maybe even harder than they do Dakota—because it'll hurt her more and it's an opportunity to take something from her. All of that makes Dakota less willing to put herself in a position to be that vulnerable and that uncertain about her future. It's a risk with too hefty a consequence if something goes wrong at any point… so no.

She likely won't be with someone who desperately wants a kid, either, because no matter what happens, that kid will have a legacy of blood. She's fine with having it but that's because she's living it and chose that. It's a big reason why she was very strict about her younger sister not having anything to do with what she did— because it was a choice and she doesn't want her family to suffer that choice if they don't have to. It's a little different with Joseph, who she wholeheartedly considers to be her brother, but he too chose this and has shown her that time and time again.

family shit aside, Dakota wants to be known as "The Bitch". whether or not the title is ascribed to fear, anger, some mix of the two—Dakota just wants to be known as just that. Because while she does demand respect and god forbid you actually call her a bitch to her face, she's also like "people are going to be rude, disrespectful, and straight up nasty regardless of how much power or influence i wield because of how i look or who i am so i might as well be known as The Bitch. In Caps." because The Bitch gets stuff done. The Bitch has survived assassination attempts and wrested power from her former superior to get to where she is. The Bitch has held onto power ( because that's the most important part ) and hasn't been challenged for her spot. The Bitch also has an organization that, under her, is thriving.

The Bitch has done everything she said she would and will continue to do so.

and for all those that, of course, will roll their eyes and be like "of course she chooses that." or think that she's playing up this… persona of "I'm a bad bitch, you you can't kill me. I'll kill you first" or whatever…. yes. that's the point. it's very purposeful because, again, it's not like she's wildly aggressive all the time and doesn't want to hear anything from anyone. most times, Dakota is very amicable. however she cannot control what people say behind closed doors or how they truly feel about her when she elects to not be nice in the face of some bullshit. it's going to happen, so she has made the executive decision to just run with it and get ahead of it. It's so much her reclaiming it, either, as much as it is her saying "I am not the one. And I will never be the one, so tread carefully."

she has a lot of resources, money to burn through, and the time to do it.

@nezumivc103221 | send META + a word, name, or phrase for a headcanon

[circulars-reasoning]

I'll go straight to the point. Ever since I saw the anon asking if your server was open to questioning systems I've had a question myself.

Would it be a good idea to join?

The way my life is set up right now I'm alone with more questions than answers. I'm getting therapy once every two months more or less, I'm not getting to know my therapist any time soon. I don't have anyone in my life who shares these experiences, nobody to ask. On the surface it sounds like a good idea to get a perspective from people who have the disorder I'm pretty sure I also have.

On the other hand, if what's going on with me isn't OSDD/DID, I fear that joining might be a one way ticket to confirmation bias town, and I don't want that either. I don't want to disregard myself and my own experiences, but I don't want to make recovery harder for myself either.

In the end the only person who can choose for me is me. I'm not asking you to make the choice for me by any means. I would appreciate some external guidance though, if you're up to it. Absolutely no pressure, as always.

It just feels so damn isolating. There's also the factor of not always knowing which people are safe to talk to about this and never doing it in the end. The times I do skirt around the issue and talk to a friend about some experiences nobody in my circle can relate. There's my therapist sure, but I don't want to overshare too soon. I've had bad experiences with trusting a therapist wholeheartedly (as anyone should be able to do) only for them to be Decidedly Not Safe and cause a lot of problems down the line.

I don't know anymore. I'm just lost.

Any insight if any appreciated. And I hope this ask finds you well.

-Aria

Hello Aria!

Based on what you’re saying here, I think it could help you in a number of ways to be in a space with systems. I say this for multiple reasons:

You seem to be struggling with loneliness. When I was in the same position, I went absolutely insane trying to cope with it. Alters were pulled out of dormancy and made my life harder, new alters split rapidly to handle the distress I was in. For me, finding others that I could go “what the hell is happening to me” with helped me so much.

You have a very clear desire to avoid confirmation bias. I think that’s an important trait to have when entering these spaces. You have already expressed interest in avoiding bias, meaning that you’ll keep your options open. Yes, you may not have a CDD - but maybe you are, or maybe you could learn you aren’t in this space.

You could benefit from self help resources. I can’t imagine only being able to see my therapist that infrequently. The Survivor’s Network has channels dedicated just to self help and therapy resources. I feel that could absolutely benefit you.

All in all - I suggest finding spaces for yourself that you can find others you relate to. If you find it’s unhealthy, you may always step away and leave, and if you change your mind, you can always rejoin! As you said - it’s your choice and your decision. 💟

Good luck, Aria!! Thank you for lighting up my inbox again :)

[xprojectrpg]

Moment of Awesome - Jessie Drake/Chameleon: Nica meets Jessie while she's decorating for Pride, and they discuss being ace in the community.

"Happy Pride!" Jessie threw her arms up in celebration. "Now I accidentally bought a million flags - don't ask how that happened - so do you happen to subscribe to the good word of the queer gods on this door?" She made a show of gesturing to the door like she was about to open it to reveal a grand prize.

Nica paused again. Then she said, rather bashfully: "Do you have a spare ace flag?" Maybe it was time for her to take actual pride in her own orientation.

"Of course!" Jessie dipped into the suite and came back out with an eight by eleven ace flag, proudly presenting it to Nica. "Don't tell the others-" by which she meant the other flags, of course, "but this one is my favorite. The color scheme is just so nice. I might get a bigger ace tattoo next month, I'm starting to get the itch for one again. And the butterflies are so small." She turned her arm to show Nica the pride butterflies in the crook of her elbow - one ace, one aro, and one trans.

Nica blinked. "Wait, are you ace too?" The "too" was kind of a giveaway.

"Sure am!" Jessie puffed up proudly - as much as she was capable of, at least. "It doesn't come up as much as being trans because no one ever really asks, 'hey how do you feel about sex' unless they want to have it with you, but personally I think we should talk more about it."

Nica clutched the flag to her chest. "YES." It couldn't have been more vehement if she'd tried. "I mean, I get it, sex is important for the continuation of the species and all that, but it's everywhere. Especially here. So much sex. All the time." She wrinkled her nose a bit.

"I mean, I feel like the species might benefit from going celibate for like a decade, but..." Jessie waggled her hand back and forth. "That's not the point. And yeah I've noticed people are a lot more..." More hand waving. "Around here. And that's cool, good for them, no shame. But like. Man, I understand libidos even less than I did when I was living in a college dorm."

That got a brief bark of laughter. "I swear the whole place needs hosing down sometimes," she agreed. It was such a relief to talk to someone else who felt the way she did. "I mean, I get it. Lots of attractive, fit young-ish people all crammed into the same living space. But it just gets so damn tiring sometimes!" She tilted her head. "So, this is probably a bit personal, but when you go to Pride... I'm guessing it's under the trans flag? Since it's not really safe with the others?"

Jessie tilted her head a little, curious. "What do you mean 'safe'?"

Nica grimaced. "Well... There's the whole "ace people aren't really queer" dialogue going on. Not just with the straights, but with the whole queer community, you know? And there's a pretty loud group that says we should be included under the Pride umbrella and definitely not at Pride itself." She stopped, feeling awkward.

"You're right, that dialogue does happen." Jessie's tone was a bit more sedate now. "And - first to answer your question, I go under all the flags. I either wear the trans flag as a cape and wear my aro-ace shirt - it's a bow in the ace colors and an arrow in the aro colors - or I wear my ace/aro combo flag and 'nobody knows I'm trans' shirt. And... you're right, people do say that, and they're very loud about it, but they're not the majority. And that's not always reassuring, because they're still loud and kind of scary sometimes, and no amount of reasoning with them is ever going to work. The most important part, I think, is to remember that they're wrong, and also that there are people like them for almost every letter of the community except L and G. Like - bi people who aren't in same-sex relationships. If your partner looks like the opposite gender, then you're not really bi according to the self appointed community judges, and you don't belong at Pride. Trans women - especially lesbians - have a hard time because they're told they 'take resources from real women.' I've been told before that I don't belong to the trans community because I have passing privilege, which is total bullshit. There's always going to be people telling you that you don't belong unless you fit their very strict guidelines of what a queer person should be, and they're wrong. And I know it sounds like I'm making it all seem really easy like you can wake up tomorrow with sudden confidence because you know they're wrong, but really it takes time - and for me years of therapy - so if you want to go to Pride and you're not ready to be loud and proud, that's fine too. No one is going to stop you at the proverbial gate and ask what flag you're attending under, you know?"

Nica took all of this in, nodding along as Jessie spoke. "I guess it's because I've only been out a few years, and only around here," she admitted. "But... maybe it's time I stopped worrying about it." She gave Jessie a shy sort of smile. "If it wouldn't cramp your style, would it be okay if I joined you? For the first little while, anyway?"

"Of course!" Jessie was obviously and absolutely thrilled. She loved helping people find their way into the community, even if they were just testing the waters. "You can join us for whatever you want, however long you want. And if you decide you want to get a little more crazy, we can help."

[enbypotat53]

Second post in this thread of rambles!

(ONCE AGAIN, MAJOR SPOILERS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)

Onto the Hotel folk! And.. hooh boy.

So.. Mephone still hiding in the closet, coming to terms with his secret being spilled to the finalists, huh? Wasn't expecting Tissues to show up in this scene honestly, but Suitcase finally snapping and the realisation that characters are being killed off when they know too much?? AUGHHHH chef's kiss, mwah! This also foreshadowing Fan's death when he figures out that the egg IS Mephone is honestly hilarious in hindsight. I forgot to mention in the last post but his whole ramble where he infodumps the ENTIRE lore to Paintbrush just from overanalyzing mountains is just. SO Fan.

ANYWAYS we move onto Tacomic reunion! The long awaited kiss and make up between these two finally happened! (Well, not the kiss but yk.)

I honestly thought this scene was pretty cute! And I appreciate Mic for setting Taco straight in her thinking; she apologized for the wrong reasons, and I'm glad she gave Mic an honest apology here. Growth, people! Growth! :D

We also have.. THIS reveal. Gonna be honest, I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I am SO happy that Toilet isn't dead. On the other.. I feel like this is both so out of character, yet so IN character, y'know? I'm not sure how I feel about the whole "MephoneX isn't just a mindless killing machine" thing - I personally think it would've worked better if he was just a servant to Cobs, but that's just my two cents. Toilet doing Cob's bidding? I.. hm.

See, I can't really see him actively murdering the contestants; that doesn't feel like him.. at all! He cared about them just like Mepad did, and I just.. feel like it was so out of character for him??

On the other hand, him wanting to prove himself as a good assistant, being manipulated by A.D.A.M, as well as him (almost accidentally) stepping into the villain role that Mephone initially thought of him?? I CAN see that, and it was well executed, too! I'm also just. REALLY happy to see Toilet - his new voice is great, too! Props to the VA, his line about wires at the end of the video made me CACKLE.

We also have the Toipad crumbs that I was so hoping to get, so I'm ECSTATIC. It was a lot less angsty, too! THEY ACTUALLY SPOKE! :,D

This was something I forgot to mention, but. These two are adorable honestly. I LOVE Pepper supporting Paper, especially after Salt acted WAY out of line. I can see them being besties outside of all of this :3

Finally for the Hotel segment, we have this scene!

..Oh my god. This scene.

YEAH SO HOW ARE WE FEELING, CHAT? GOOD? I KNOW I'M NOT! First of all just. SILVER APPEARING?? Dude the emotional whiplash I got seeing him was just. AUGH MY BOY WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU :((

And all the messages being written on the contestants' faces? A cruel reminder of the stereotypes Mephone created them to be?? And the fact that a vast majority of them were just. Killed off, then and there? YOU'RE TELLING ME STEVE WAS HEARTLESS ENOUGH TO KILL GOO?? LOOK AT HIS FACE!! THAT'D BE LIKE KILLING A PUPPY YOU SADISTIC FUCK??

Yeah safe to say this scene had an impact on me. Also noted how Salt is the "trend setter", whilst Pepper is the "trend follower"? Hm. Interesting. Seems Salt was always meant to be the more important one.

(Fucking episode 12 foreshadowing yet again GOD DAMNI-)

Anyways, onto MeCloud!

So I've been compiling images (and composing myself), I think I'm ready to give my two cents. This'll be broken up into parts because only 10 images per post, so look forward to uh.. a lot! :,)

(MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE EPISODE 17 UNDER CUT)

We're starting with the Purgatory Mansion crew! And ohhh holy FUCK do I have a lot to say about them. First of all just. Fuck. God. Fan rambling during Test Tube's death, trying to keep himself composed?? And his denial of her death, just.. broke me. Painty having to be the one to snap him back into reality and TELL him that she's dead?? AUGHHHH 😭😭

ALSO THE PHONE?? MAN. THAT. THAT HURT.

SPEAKING OF PAINTBRUSH!

Okay I just. I genuinely this this was THE most gut-wrenching scene of II. Period. FUCKING PROPS TO JAZZY MOTHERFUCKING OLIVER CAN I LIKE. MARRY HER?? (/PLATONIC)

Okay so if y'all know me I'm pretty sure you know by now Paintbrush is my favourite OSC character. EVER. Their entire arc, their story, it just. It means so, so much to me. They're the entire reason I discovered I was nonbinary in the first place. They helped me find ways of dealing with anger in a healthy way. This fuckin' paintbrush has done more for me than I think.. ANY other fictional character in the history of ever?? This scene?? I genuinely nearly threw up from how hard I was sobbing.

Also can I just say how glad I am that Jazzy is voicing Paintbrush?? Like I don't think I've mentioned this enough but her vocal skills in this scene were PHENOMINAL and she SERIOUSLY did Painty justice. Good lord when they started crying I screamed out loud. Just. Lightbulb sacrificing herself for them, the whole "you need to be the leader now" thing?? Painty sitting there whilst all their friends die around them and they just have to sit there?? They can do nothing about it?? FUCK.

Them trying so hard to fight for her?? To SAVE her?? I just. I can't.

Not to mention just. This. Fuck. I'm a hardcore lightbrush shipper through and through so to me this is the equivalent of a child just trying to support their parent through the death of the other parent, but. Even if you see them platonically this hits DEEP. Their best friend, their rock, the silly to their serious, just died in front of them. The only things remaining being her lifeless corpse and a crab that she once gifted to them in memory of their friendship. Plus the symbolism of their flame dying out when Lightbulb dies?? BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO FIGHT FOR?? ADAM ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME.

Yeah can you tell I love these guys?? (I'd post the image of Painty BEGGING Bow to tell them how to get back from death, but 10 images per post limit fucked me over :P)

(Hotel folk next!)

[pvtchurch]

A memorable meal this year?

Song of the year?

Favorite book you read this year?

Album of the year?

Talk about a new friend you made this year

Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one

(I copied them straight from the post, so alas, they are not in order and not numbered dhdhsm happy new year!!)

happy new year vamp!!!

now for the asks:

A memorable meal this year? Now the food wasn't particularly good but I'm going to pick the time my friend invited me to go to the restaurant recently... simply because it was actually my first time going to eat with a friend so it was kinda special :)

Song of the year? Let Me Down - Billy Cobb (off his new album that I looped for a solid week... it's not that good but I liked it a lot)

Favorite book you read this year? Now this is a tough one since I read a lot of books I really loved... I don't know. If we don't count modern classics which I was into a lot this year (like The Outsiders, Catcher in the Rye, L'étranger, or even Fight Club) then I guess Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. Or... The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness? That was excellent...

Yeah, I'm too indecisive for this, I'm sorry 😭

Album of the year? I'm going to be basic and say Hellfire - black midi (I'm sure this is a popular take for a lot of other people's AOTY) because it's just an incredibly impressive album that really takes you along for the ride... and then be less basic by saying A Boy Named Hexd - 999 Heartake Sabileye which surprised me a lot with how good it is.

Talk about a new friend you made this year I made so many friends this year, mainly due to discord. I joined a music discord server which has become where I am pretty much all the time (for better or for worse, though I like them a lot).

Shout out to my new friends on the r/FormulaE discord server, and thanks to all my mutuals with whom I interacted for the first time in 2022, it's been super fun :)

Finally: Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one. Technically, no, but I fished out one of my old stories in 2022 and started thinking about it again, so I can tell you a little bit about my double agent, Bres :^)

Without explaining all the lore, Bres is a kid who has been raised by his father to spy against another group. He's basically a walking identity crisis: how can you not be when your whole life has been spent spying? Calculating what you can reveal and what you can't, being careful not being seen, and all that? That takes its toll on someone, and especially on one who hadn't had the time to figure who he is before getting caught in this mess. He's kind of awkward and honestly does not make a great spy... but what others see is just a stupidly handsome man who is a bit of an idiot, and tries very hard to please. (He also ends up letting out all his bottled-up anger and Feelings™, that kickstarts the whole story, but that's not important yet! Rest assured he ends up with a lot of blood on his hands)

I think that's enough?? I feel bad about writing this much lmao

[strangertheories]

How do you feel about how Will and Robin were handled in Volume 2...

Oh boy do I have opinions and they aren't good ones. Especially on Will (you'll see my rant in a second). I'll start off with Robin. In S4, Robin got a decent amount of screentime and we got to see some new sides to her character and understand her a bit better, which I appreciated. Volume 2, she had a lot less screentime but overall I don't think she was sidelined too much. Unlike a certain character I'll talk about in a second.

I thought her scene with Vickie was cute enough. But Vickie isn't really an established character beyond being bi and awkward. I really wish they'd explore her character more but right now she just feels like a Robin clone who exists to say "we have a bisexual character". Bisexual representation is very important and deserves to be more than a character with a limited personality and no development as well as no screentime. I'd have much preferred bi Nancy but that's obviously not going to happen as I think the writers would explode if they had to write her character without involving men.

And then there's Will... Oh god there's Will. I love his character so much. I've spoken a lot about how he got me through a tough time when I realized I was gay and how meaningful seeing the struggle of feeling left out because you don't like the opposite sex. But we don't know if he actually doesn't like the opposite sex. It's "up for interpretation" apparently. Is he gay and miserable? Or is he an immature third wheel who needs to grow up and like girls? You decide! It's like choose your own adventure, only shittier.

Why did they say they were going to clarify his sexuality? That it would be addressed? That was such a lie! He never said he liked Mike. He never said he was gay. Instead we got Noah Schnapp tearing up a lot and heavy subtext. Now the Duffers may think that the vast majority of people watching it will know he is gay, and I think that's true. But you know that there are people on Twitter and Reddit right now saying that "he's not gay, he just misses his friend. He feels different because he hasn't matured and liked girls yet! You're delusional to see yourself in him. Will Byers is not gay, stop forcing every character to be gay. It's the 80s anyways so it's super unrealistic."

You see a chunk of the audience are desperate for Will to be straight. They're not homophobic, they just don't get why everything has to be gay (/s). And unless you make it really explicit, they're not going to believe he is gay. Which really sucks. I saw myself a lot in Will and canon confirmation would've made me really happy at that time. And I'm sure many more people will see themselves in him too. And I don't want people saying this to be told they're forcing him to be gay or feel afraid to say Will is gay despite the fact that he clearly is. Queer representation is not the kind of thing you can just imply because there are people out there who unless you say it very explicitly will still maintain that he is straight.

That's not to even mention the sidelining of his character. This season, Will got barely any screentime and what he did was him looking teary eyed at Michael Wheeler romancing the girl he loves sooo much. And I know in S5 he'll probably get more now that he's a spy for the Upside Down or whatever. And I know he'll get a coming out in that season too. But I don't know why he didn't come out now? That scene with Johnathan would've made so much sense from a writing stand point but again we get heavily implied sexuality issues.

I was never hopeful for Byler, because I'm a huge pessimist. But I thought at least Will was going to get confirmed as gay. Because they told us that he would. They lied to us. So as much as I loved volume 2, I'm feeling pretty disappointed, but also I'm feeling angry and like I've been tricked somehow.

Damn that was a long rant. Thanks for the ask, anon (:

[22degreehalo]

Yes, I agree with this. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but ttrpgs that hyper-emphasise things like 'rules light!' or 'puts story first!' as though they're universally positive things just sort off make me feel a bit... weird?

It's the same sorta vibe I get from people who say that the most important aspect of a game to them is 'fun,' particularly in response to people critiquing flaws or even just critically analysing a game in a neutral way. I'm pretty sure I know what they're trying to say - either than the overall experience isn't hampered by those flaws, or that they prefer gameplay styles that allow them to play in a relaxed and non-analytical way. But it usually ends up containing at least a note of defensiveness or condescension, like they're claiming that their priorities are superiorly Wise compared to these other losers getting lost in the weeds about things that don't matter. Which is why I've started really emphasising that when people complain about e.g. graphics or low difficulty, they are ALSO saying that these factors make the game less fun for them!

Y'know, I think the issue is the same as what I've seen people complain about visual novels: a lot of these people seem weirdly hostile to the medium, and like they're trying to make their ttrpg as minimally ttrpg as possible. Like a kind of cultural cringe, in an attempt to assert their product as either 'not actually serious lol' or 'true art.' Obviously it's not like more rules = better, but when people try to reduce the rules and numbers and rolling to as close to 0 as possible, I sorta start to wonder... do they even want to make an rpg? Or do they just want some collaborative creative writing prompts? Because you can do that!

And just. Personally, I like a lot of rules and numbers and categories! Partly because I'm autistic and all those things are very Satisfying, and partly because I get so much more inspired through restrictions. I adore emergent narratives and trying to make stories out of interpreting semi- or entirely random events! That's what I go to ttrpgs for! If I wanted total story control, I'd just write one myself?

If anything I think the conflict is just between like... ttrpgs more based around being given a challenge and trying to overcome it, vs just seeing what happens. But there is a continuum between those things, and the numbers are ultimately supposed to represent actual narratively relevant things. The high numbers games are just more sorta aware of that gameplay/narrative interaction usually I think. There's nothing necessarily stopping you from playing a combat rpg and losing and sitting back in satisfaction because yep, the way that interaction turned out made perfect sense!

So I guess uhh once again maybe it just goes down to a thing where a bunch of autistics do something rly obscure amongst themselves and tend to emphasise Numbers and other ~masculine coded~ things, and then more neurotypicals find out and wanna join in but confuse the autistic dominance for Gross Straight White Males (which isn't entirely wrong usually but) and immediately set themselves up in defensive opposition to them. And then autistics like me get uncomfortable because like yes I'm happy to have more non-combat-focused ttrpgs but also like. Numbers good. 🥺

I suppose what annoys me about tabletop RPGs whose primary pitch is “puts the story first!” is that it fundamentally misunderstands the relationship between the rules and the narrative. The defining feature of tabletop RPGs is that interpreting the outcomes of the rules produces a story, and in this sense, all tabletop RPGs “put the story first” – the idea that some tabletop RPGs are About Stories and some tabletop RPGs are Not About Stories is a false dichotomy.

The trouble is that game rules are opinionated about the kinds of story they want to produce, and folks end up conflating “this game’s rules want to produce a different kind of story from the one that I want to tell” with “this game’s rules don’t produce stories at all”, which is not a constructive way to frame things; keep up with that line of thinking and you’re on a short road to becoming one of those dogmatic weirdos who thinks there’s exactly one correct way to pretend to be an elf.

[xiaosmoon]

hi!! I'm OBSESSED with the way you write, so if you could indulge me a little? :D diluc + kaeya + zhongli with an s/o who has to seduce an enemy to get important info—though they try their best to stay put, worry/jealousy gets the best of them, and they arrive at the scene just in the nick of time...

hopefully this doesn't overstep any of your blog rules :< tysm!!

seducing an enemy

parings: diluc, kaeya, & zhongli x gn!reader (afab for zhongli)

summary: you get sent on an important mission to try to get information out of an enemy by seducing them, but worry/jealousy gets the best of them and they arrive just in time

warnings/content: seduction, angsty but with comfort, suggestive if you squint

a/n: ahhh thank you so much!!! i hope this did your request justice :)

-> diluc

you really shouldn't be running this late. diluc was pacing back and fourth in main room of the winery. the maids tried to get him to calm down, but he just couldn't sit still. not when you were out on a mission at the risk of being hurt.

and on top of that, seducing someone. just the mere thought of it was enough to send diluc into a frenzy. of course he trusts you. he really does, but you were doing this to a dangerous enemy. the risk of it all was just too much not to stress over.

"i'm going out for a walk. please, do not wait up for me." was all diluc announced to his maids before grabbing his coat and running off.

it was a very cold night, and diluc suddenly remembers that pretty little lace you were wearing.

"it's all apart of the technique, diluc. i can't seduce a person if i'm covering every inch of my body."

obviously you were right, but diluc still wishes you weren't cozying up to a scumbag wearing little to nothing.

diluc hadn't realized how fast he had been walking because he was already at the destination. with claymore in hand, he wasted no time busting open the door. he found you with a knife to your neck, trying to pry the man off of you. your vision was tossed to the side, so you were utterly helpless.

all diluc could see was burning red. he didn't even get a good look at the guy holding you; he let his body do the talking and swung his claymore, not actually hitting the guy but causing him to lose balance and drop the knife.

while diluc was keeping him away, you drop down grabbing the fallen knife and stab the enemy's leg. before diluc could chop the guy in half with his fired up claymore, you quickly push him back with the rest of the strength you could muster.

"diluc, he's down! it's alright now!" diluc was breathing heavily, his eyes fixated on the person screaming in pain. once he feels your body hugging his, his demeanor quickly changes.

diluc drops his claymore and returns your embrace back, kissing the top of your head. "are you alright? are you hurt?" he pulls you off of him, holding your shoulders to examine your body for any injuries.

you put your hand on top of one of his and give him a soft smile. "i'm okay, i promise." you turn around to look at the man behind you on the floor. "he, however, isn't. i'll have to bring him to the knights for further interrogation."

you go and grab your vision before cuffing the man's hands. "y-you're crazy! i'm going to die because of you!" he nearly spat in your face.

diluc was quick to act, grabbing him by the collar and yanking the guy dangerously close to him. "call them crazy again and that claymore you saw earlier will  definitely kill you." if diluc's claymore won't kill him, the fight he felt definitely would.

after diluc accompanied you to take him to the knights, (he wouldn't stop talking about how incapable they were on the walk there. "this never would've happened to you if they knew how to do their job." some things will never change.) he sat you down on a nearby bench and once again examined you thoroughly, even though you told him you were fine for the nth time.

he carefully draped his coat over your shoulders. "i'm just so glad you're alright. good thing i came when i did." he would say. for the rest of the night, he held you tight and gave you many, many kisses while telling you that you're never doing something like that again. not because he was jealous or anything, of course not

-> kaeya

kaeya knows you're an amazing and capable knight. you have amazing combat skills and are perfect at undercover missions. perfect person for the job.

so why was he so stressed?

imagining you throwing yourself all over that enemy in the short and tight dress you were wearing was eating at his mind. you had looked absolutely tempting in that getup that kaeya couldn't keep his hands to himself.

"oh? all this for me darling?" kaeya had walked up behind you and allowed his hands to run down your sides as you added earrings to your final look.

he kissed your neck, and before he could continue, you turned around placing a kiss on his lips. "this isn't for you, love. i have a mission..."

the wine glass that was resting in kaeya's hand had now been shattered to little pieces, littered all over the floor of angels share. he had came here to help keep his mind off of you, but it wasn't helping. at all.

kaeya quickly slammed mora down at the bar, scaring charles before heading off to you. he knew he could be potentially ruining your mission, and jean would have his head for it, but at this point in time he really could care less. you were more important to him than his job.

if only the grand master hadn't taken all of the horses with him, maybe kaeya would've gotten there faster. damn him.

as fast as his feet could carry him, he arrived at the goth grand hotel (did you really need a horse kaeya?) he pushed the fatui agent at the doorway trying to stop him and barged straight to the front desk.

"if you don't tell me what room y/n is staying in right now, i swear i will freeze hell over this place." the poor frightened desk lady handed kaeya the hotel key without protest. he swiped it from her and marched off.

"a42... a42... come on where are you?" kaeya walked down 2 hallways until he finally found it.

not even bothering to use the key, kaeya froze the knob before kicking the door open. much to his dismay, you were pinned down to the bed with the enemy right on top, ready to weald his weapon.

kaeya wasted no time to act. he shoved the guy off of you and drew his sword, keeping it pointed nicely at his neck so he couldn't move.

you jumped off the bed to retrieve your own. "i was handling it you know."

"if by handling you mean almost getting yourself killed, i would say you did a fine job." kaeya's voice was still seductive even when he was mad. maybe he should've gone on this mission instead.

you quickly cuff the fatui agent before kicking him out of the room, leaving him for the knights to deal with. "i'll get revenge for this! my superior, he won't like this. he'll deal with you!"

you sigh as the two knights grab him. "yeah, yeah, i've heard it all before. the day your superior comes for me is the day you'll see hellfire." was the last snarky comment you made before closing the door behind you, leaving only you and kaeya in the room.

"there were other knights here?" kaeya asked, approaching you. "only two. master jean planted them just in case."

kaeya pulled you to him for a very tight hug without warning. he buried his face into your neck and wrapped one arm around your shoulders while the other holding your waist. he kissed your neck, and then your jaw, cheek, forehead, your lips, ear, and finally whispered, "you're never doing this again."

you pull his face back so his eyes can meet yours and you cup your palm around his jaw. you tilt your head to the side and raise a brow. "why? because you were scared for me or because you were jealous?"

there are very few things that make kaeya aleberich blush. but him being called out by you is definitely one of them. "jealous? no, of course not. i was worried for you, love." he pulled back from you a bit and you became a laughing fit.

"hey, i was! you cant prove otherwise." he mumbled the last part and crossed his arms like an angry toddler.

you wiped a fake tear from your eyes and composed yourself. how cute, you thought to yourself. "but you did know i had it, right?" you asked.

kaeya looked back over to you, arms still crossed. "yes, i did dear. you're more than capable of holding your own. but what kind of boyfriend would i be if i wasn't to worry, hmm?" he walked back to you and brushed away any hair that was out of place.

"but," his teasing voice was back. "we do have this very nice hotel room to ourselves now. how about we make the most of it and-"

cue you throwing a pillow at him

-> zhongli

he understood your line of work. he understood how dangerous it could be. but what you had told zhongli earlier that night still wandered at the back of his mind.

you were dressed beautifully in black. the outfit hugged your body in just the right places and zhongli thought you looked absolutely ravishing.

"going somewhere dear?" his eyes were drinking you up. you smile and plant a kiss on his cheek. "it's for the mission i told you about."

the mission sounded dangerous indeed. he had no doubt in your strength but this, this just seemed too much, even for you.

the man you were seducing is known to be very dangerous and zhongli's subconscious couldn't rest at that. mortals were quite fragile after all.

"mr.zhongli? did you hear me?" hu tao waved her hand in front of his face. he snapped out of his daydreams about you and redirected his attention to the young funeral director.

"apologizes miss hu tao, could i possibly take the rest of the night off?" zhongli felt terrible for asking this of her but he just had to go to you.

hu tao granted him his wish, believing that he was feeling ill. at first, zhongli was debating if he really should come to you. it really is their mission, i'm sure they can handle themself.

he was afraid his interference would mess with your mission, but ultimately his concern for you overpowered that thought.

he reached the location in no time. it was a small beach house right on yaoguang shoal. and right outside, 2 guards were posted.

such an important and powerful man obviously has security, zhongli thought to himself. zhongli closed his eyes. he tried to listen for the sound your voice; a sound he had learned to memorize. and he found it. your voice was muffled was full of distress. that was enough for zhongli to approach the guards, ready to break open the door.

"hey," one of the guards stuck his arm out blocking the door. "you can't be here. so lea-" before the guard could get out another word, zhongli send geo shards flying towards both of them, knocking them to the ground unconscious.

he sent a geo spear straight through the door, stabbing the enemy's arm on the other side and pinning him to the wall. you were limp on the floor, but the sight of the geo spear put you to ease. your dress was torn leaving you a bit exposed and you had broken your ankle while fighting the man, but the pain seemed to go away as soon as you saw zhongli walk in.

zhongli sent a few more geo shards to secure the guy on the wall before rushing over to you. "dear, are you alright?" he said squatting down beside you. zhongli took of his coat and draped it over your exposed body. he placed his hand gently on your shoulder, afraid to hurt you.

you smile in relief, raising a hand his arm. "i'm alright, just a broken ankle. could you help me get him to the milieth? they should be here in 10 minutes. i've gotten all the information i need."

"you, this- this isn't over! i'll come back for you. i swear it." the man slurred. your eyes widened at his arm. there was a lot blood was oozing from his wound.

"zhongli, he can't die." zhongli looked at you in confusion. "but he broke your ankle. he can perish."

laughing right now would be very inappropriate, so you had to retain yourself. "i know but the milieth still need him. very alive."

zhongli obeyed your wish and yanked the man off of the wall harshly. "i won't heal him, but he can be taken to bubu pharmacy." zhongli took the spear out and tied his arm tightly with a random cloth he found on the floor. he tossed the man outside for the milieth and rushed back to you. he helped you sit up and you rested your body against his chest.

"thank you, for coming. although i could've handled it myself you know." you look up at him and smile. he lets out a sigh and kissed your lips. "i know dear. but um-" his coat was slipping down your body, revealing a good amount of your cleavage. he turned his head away, blushing a bit. "you should wear my coat." you giggle at his words but put on his coat properly.

zhongli rests you against the wall and scoots to where your feet. he tears some of his shirt to wrap your ankle in. "this will hold it until we get you medical attention." without warning, he picks you up in bridal style. you quickly wrap your arms around his neck so you don't fall.

"w-what are you doing?" you ask, it came out more as a squeak. "the milieth are here," zhongli responds walking outside. "they can take care of that man. we need to get you back to liyue."

yes, he really did carry you all the way to liyue.