#it's just. i'm so so tired of wanting to be able to do more than live

[ghsface]

Not sure if you are taking request but can we get an angst with Matt where like reader and him are dating for years but recently comments have been getting to her or people have been following her home and eventually she decideds to break up with Matt but Matt takes things to in his hands where he’s tells ppl to stop and they get back together?(Lol sorry if it didn’t make sense but thank you)

𝜗𝜚 new messege .ᐟ.ᐟ

Hey gorgeous, I really liked this idea, I hope you like it too.

You are the only thing I want - Matt Sturniolo

Sumary: You and Matt had a secret relationship and when you decide to make it public everything goes wrong...

Warnings: angst hate messages towards reader, this is just angst with a happy ending

A/n: Leave me ideas to write in my inbox because I'm running out of ideas. I'm sorry if something is misspelled or not understood. My first language is not English. By the way, what do you think of my new theme, in my opinion, it's very cute like the baby pink and light brown. 🩷🧸

⛧°。 ⋆༺ ✮ ༻⋆。 °⛧

It had been exactly fourteen months since the first time you and Matt kissed. You hadn't imagined then how important he would become in your life, nor that being with him would be so complicated. Because, although you adored each other and the bond between you grew every day, that relationship had to be kept secret. It was a mutual decision, made for practical reasons. At first, the thrill of secrecy made everything more exciting. But now, you both felt exhausted.

You had spent too many nights talking secretly in the car, dates arranged down to the last detail so as not to be seen, or moments of solitude where, instead of shouting to the world how much you loved each other, you had to hide it like a forbidden secret. The situation was starting to weigh on you.

That night, you were on the couch at Matt's house. He was holding you, and your head was resting on his shoulder while you felt his fingers playing with the strands of your hair.

"Aren't you tired of this?" he asked quietly, breaking the silence.

You raised your head and looked at him, searching his eyes for what he really wanted to say.

"What are you talking about?"

"About having to hide… about not being able to tell anyone how amazing you are." Matt smiled, but his eyes reflected a sadness that you shared.

"Of course I'm tired. Sometimes I wish we could be a normal couple".

"Then let's do it", he suggested, giving your hand a squeeze. "Let's make it public. I don't care what others say. I want to be with you, and I want everyone to know it."

The idea made you feel butterflies in your stomach. The love you had for Matt was bigger than any fear, and the fact that he was willing to share your relationship with his fans made you feel special. You decided to announce it on social media.

When Matt uploaded the first photo of the two of you together, you felt a mix of excitement and nervousness. The image showed an intimate moment, a selfie of the two smiling on the beach, with the sunset in the background. The caption was simple but powerful: “Over a year together, and we’re just getting started.”

For the first few hours, the response was overwhelmingly positive. There were comments from fans congratulating and supporting them: “They look beautiful together,” “Finally someone makes Matt happy as he deserves,” “What a great couple they make!”

But over time, other types of messages began to appear. “Her? Is he really with her?”, “She’s not enough for him,” “She’s only with him for fame, I’m sure she’ll use him to become famous,” “Poor Matt, he deserves someone better.”

At first, you tried not to take them seriously. But every time you checked your phone, more of those comments appeared. There were people criticizing your appearance: “She’s too basic for someone like him,” “She’s not even pretty, how dare she date Matt?”, “Matt deserves someone more attractive.”

The words cut you deeply. You knew you shouldn’t let those comments affect you, but you couldn’t stop the doubts from starting to poison your mind. Every time you looked in the mirror, you started to see those flaws that others mentioned. Insecurity began to invade you in a way you hadn’t experienced before.

Matt tried to comfort you whenever he noticed you looking down. Sometimes, during the night, he would catch you reading the comments on your phone, and he would simply take the phone away from you and hold you, whispering that he loved you and that was all that mattered.

“You don’t need to listen to those people, babe,” he said, looking at you with a sincere expression. “They don’t know anything about you, they don’t know how amazing you are.”

The comments didn’t stop, though. Every day they became crueler and crueler. Rumors began to circulate suggesting that you were only with Matt to gain followers, or that you were using his fame to make yourself known. People commented on every aspect of your life, from how you dressed to how you looked without makeup. There were those who said things like, “It’s obvious that she dresses like that to get attention, can’t she dress up better?” or “She should thank Matt for giving her a chance, she’s just an ordinary girl.”

At some point, comments were no longer the only thing. People started following you home, taking photos of you without your permission, and even trying to get close to you to ask you invasive questions. You felt watched and judged at every turn, and little by little, you started to believe that you weren't enough, that maybe all those people were right.

The pressure began to be unbearable. Your self-esteem plummeted, and every time you looked in the mirror, you saw someone who, according to the world, wasn’t enough. Matt tried to cheer you up, to remind you how much he loved you, but you couldn’t stand it anymore.

One night, after one of your most difficult conversations, you asked him to meet you. Matt came over to your house, and as soon as you saw him, he knew something was wrong. He stared at you in silence as you searched for the words to say to him.

“Matt… I can’t do this anymore,” you whispered, your voice shaking.

“What are you saying?” he asked, frowning, clearly worried.

“I can’t be in this relationship anymore. The pressure, the comments… they’re tearing me apart. I can’t take it anymore.

Matt looked at you, unable to process what you were saying. He was trying to understand, but the pain in your eyes made it clear to him that you were really hurt.

“But… I love you, and I don’t care what other people think. They don’t understand what we have.”

“I know, Matt. I know you love me, but I can’t go on like this. I’m losing myself in all of this.” It's getting harder and harder to get up and pretend everything is okay.

You took a deep breath, trying to hold back your tears. “Matt… I can’t keep going like this. I can’t handle the pressure, the comments, the people following me everywhere. I feel like I’m losing myself, and I don’t want to drag you into this. I think… I think it’s best that we break up.”

The goodbye was hard and heartbreaking for both of us. In the days that followed, Matt stayed away from social media, not mentioning anything about what had happened. He isolated himself, trying to understand how the love of his life had to walk away because of the cruelty of others.

Weeks went by as you tried to get over the situation, even though you felt empty. However, one afternoon, while you were checking your social media, you noticed a post from Matt that surprised you.

It was a photo of you and him that Nick had taken, and the message was clear and direct: “I don't give a shit what others say about my girlfriend. I'm with her because I love her, and that's never going to change.”

Matt's public statement was not only a message to his fans, but a promise that he was willing to stand up for what they had. Feeling a torrent of emotions, you decided to call him. When he answered, his voice trembled with emotion.

"I can't go on without you" he said quietly, while you tried to hold back your tears.

"Me neither, Matt… I love you."

That night, they met again, and between tears and hugs, they knew that this time there would be nothing and no one that could separate.

⛧°。 ⋆༺ ✮ ༻⋆。 °⛧

your reblogs and replies are always appreciated dearly, and feel free to leave a request ✮

⤷ Tags... @matthewsroses @sophand4n4 @strnilolover @lolastrniolo

[gotta-winwin]

2019 debut year <> you do too much

word count: 3.7k TW: body image, overworking, swearing, angst italics are in english, bolded words are in mandarin

౨ৎ ─── ─── ──౨ৎ─── ─── ──౨ৎ─── ─── ──౨ৎ

Cyana never meant for it to get this far.

It had started off pretty mild, she'd wake up earlier than usual, take a morning run to the company and get a head start on practice. She'd stay later than the others too, insisting they go home without her and that she'd join them a bit later. Just one more time, she'd say, as she cued up the song once again. Just one more time, she'd say again after that, and by then it would already be close to midnight.

She stared at herself in the mirror, shaking with frustration and fatigue. Her chest heaved harshly as she tried desperately to calm her breath.

Hoshi shot her a worried glance. "Nana, take a break."

She shook her head. "I'm fine."

"Practice is done anyways. The car's ready, pack up." He grabbed her hand to drag her towards their things.

Cyana shook her hand out from his grasp, shooting him a tired smile. "You can go first, Soonie. I'll stay a little bit longer. I want to try Getting Closer again."

Hoshi frowned at her words. "We've already stayed late, nana-yah. Everyone's already left. And you've been staying late for the past two weeks. Let's take a break, okay?"

She shook her head stubbornly. "It's fine, really."

He looked at her apprehensively, not quite believing her. Sighing, he reluctantly agreed, knowing there was no stopping her. "Please be home by at least two am."

She nodded absentmindedly, already turning back around to cue up the track. She made sure Hoshi really had left before continuing, concentrating on perfecting her angles and facial expression. She had failed the company test - when the higher-ups came and decided she wasn't good enough - her ego burned from the hit and she vowed to work even harder. The members had told her she was already amazing, but she couldn't believe them if the company officials didn't think so.

She hadn't told any of the boys she hadn't been returning home. Most of her essentials were stored safely in one of the drawers in their practice room - saving her both the time and energy it took to return home. This way she could wash up and change before immediately getting back to practice.

"Oh, Jeonghan oppa." She answered when he called her phone.

"Nana, where are you?" His voice sounded muffled and tired. "Hoshi texted and said you're still at the company."

She checked the time. 3:26 AM. "Oh. I decided to crash at Mingyu's place." She lied, wincing. She hated lying to him whenever he called to check in. It was pure luck that no one really ever confirmed with Mingyu that she had actually been staying over. "I'm about to go to sleep. You should too, oppa."

She heard Jeonghan sigh in relief. "Okay, good. Goodnight, Nana." He hung up, probably way too tired.

Placing her phone back down on the floor, she glanced once again at the time. It was late. Her body was sore and she was starting to feel a little dizzy. Dragging her feet towards the connected washroom, she was glad they'd installed showers. Cleaning herself up and changing, she returned back to the practice room and crashed on the couch. Just a couple hours, she thought to herself.

"Cyana."

She opened her eyes, squinting at the brightness and letting out a groan. "What time is it?"

A very confused Dino stared back at her. "7 AM." He helped her to sit up, frowning when he saw her wince. "Why are you sleeping here?"

Her eyes widened when she remembered where she was. She inwardly kicked herself for oversleeping. Usually she was able to wake up, get ready and change before everyone else began arriving. They always just assumed she had been the first to arrive. "I-" Feeling rather caught, Cyana could only stare up at Dino wordlessly.

He seemed to catch on rather quickly. "Cyana." He looked at her, disappointment written plainly across his face. "Have you been living here?"

"No!" She protested, knowing he'd 100% tell Jeonghan if she admitted to it and Jeonghan would 100% kill her. "I was just practicing last night and fell asleep, that's all."

He gave her a weird look. "Alright, just-" He sighed. "You really don't need to be pushing yourself so hard. You're already ready."

Cyana gave him a hard stare. Perhaps it was the pain or the lack of sleep, but her nerves were wearing thin. She pushed herself off the couch, walking to the washroom. Splashing water on her face, she attempted to wake herself up.

"Please don't tell the others." She begged Dino once she returned. "Please please please." He looked unconvinced. "Please." She said again. "They'll kill me and you know it."

He sighed. "Fine." He pointed a finger at her, his poor attempt at being stern. "But you've got to promise me it's the last time."

"Got it." She promised, although she knew she'd probably end up breaking it. "Thanks, Chan."

He laughed softly, wrapping his arms gently around her waist, frowning when he felt how skinny she had gotten. He was about to comment on it when the practice doors opened and a hoard of members rushed in, all still slightly half-asleep.

"Aigoo~" Seungkwan cooed at the position they'd caught them in. "Our maknaes are so cute."

Dino flushed, trying to pull away but pausing when he realized Cyana was leaning on him, her eyes closed.

"Is she okay?" Jun mumbled, sipping on his ice coffee and glancing at the girl.

"Hm?" Cyana opened an eye, jumping a bit at the sudden appearance of so many people. "Oh! You're all here."

"Yup." Vernon walked over, ruffling her hair. "You ready?"

She sighed, reluctantly detaching herself from Dino, shivering at the loss of his body heat. "I guess."

Jeonghan had thought something was off from the way Cyana sounded over the phone. She sounded sick and incredibly out of it, her words slurring slightly as she spoke to him. He would've pressed the girl for more answers, but Hoshi's text had woken him up mid-sleep and he was aching to the state of passing out.

Even as they started practice, Jeonghan's mind drifted from the choreo over to Cyana. His mental list of things wrong with her had been gradually growing over the week and he was getting concerned.

Jeonghan's mental list with things that are wrong about Cyana:

She's been saying over at Mingyu's a suspicious amount. Sure, he could understand, the Minwon residence was easily the quietest out of the bunch, and Mingyu was Cyana's closest friend. He figured Wonwoo was in his room most times anyways.

The amount of canceled plans the boys have been complaining about to him was increasing. It felt like every couple days, at least one member would approach him requesting a therapy session, where they just complained about how Cyana was ditching them for their usual hangouts.

He rarely ever saw the girl anywhere but the company. Under any other circumstance it would've been normal, but Cyana had expressed before she hated the feeling of captivity the company gave her.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her eat something.

He could've continued listing reasons in his head, had it not been for the loud thud and a piercing screech that followed it. He froze mid dance move and spun towards the noise.

Cyana was on the floor, Woozi a mere step away from her as he crouched down to examine her. DK was apologizing for the loud scream, although he continued to panic loudly.

"I think she fainted." Woozi concluded, voice calm. His furrowed eyebrows were the only sign he was worried.

"Fainted?" DK gasped out loud.

Mingyu reached down and scooped the girl into his arms, depositing her on the couch. "Yeah, she's out."

"Is she injured?" Seungcheol asked, hovering over her as Mingyu checked. He sighed with relief when Mingyu shook his head. "It was a loud thud."

Jeonghan let out a groan of both realization and disappointment.

"What." Seungcheol whipped his head around at the sound of Jeonghan's groan. "Do you know something?" He pointed at Cyana, who was still laying limply on the couch, head supported by Mingyu's large hand. "Why is she like this?"

Jeonghan raised his hands in defence. "I only suspected. I mean- I thought it was weird she was sleeping over at Mingyu and Wonwoo's so often recently but-"

"What?" Wonwoo cut him off. "She hasn't been over since-" He flushed at the memory. "Since she hurt her ankle."

And all at once, the pieces seemed to fall into place in Jeonghan's mind.

"She's been living here, hasn't she." Dino beat him to the punch, stating what he had just realized. "I found her here asleep when I came in this morning."

They all turned to Seungcheol, who seemed to be at a loss for words, staring at Cyana.

Cyana awoke just in time to see Seungcheol leave, the practice room door swinging shut behind him. She struggled to get up, as strong hands grabbed her and situated her to lean back. A bottle of water was shoved wordlessly into her hands by Vernon, already opened.

"You scared us." Mingyu muttered, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

She was vaguely aware of the other boys standing around her. Her ears still rang but she could faintly hear Woozi talking to Jun.

"I swear I tried to catch her. I didn't let her drop on purpose." He was defending himself to a wary Jun. "I'm not that mean."

She would have smiled at how defensive he sounded had it not been for the glowering face of Jeonghan, who was staring holes into her skull.

"Everyone out, please." Jeonghan signalled the others to give them the room. He sat down next to Cyana, letting out a loud sigh once everyone had left.

She knew she was in for it now.

"You wanna tell me what's been going on?" He said quietly, rubbing the seam of her sleeve between his thumb and index finger. "No lies this time."

She felt a lump form in her throat. "Jeonghan-"

"I'm not mad, Cyana." He looked at her sadly. "I just want to know why you haven't been taking care of yourself."

On any other occasion, she would have argued that he was mad. He hadn't used 'Nana' when saying her name.

"You haven't been staying at Mingyu's, I know that for a fact. And you've been canceling plans with the members. You also haven't been eating well. Jun says you rarely take the breakfast he sets aside for you." He continued, frowning when he saw her eyes well up with tears.

"I'm sorry." It was all she could muster.

"I don't care that you lied, Cyana." Jeonghan wiped her tears away with the pad of his thumb. "Just tell me why. Are we doing something wrong?"

She shook her head frantically. "No." God no.

"Then why?"

She finally looked up from her lap to see him, feeling an ache in her chest when she saw how desperate his expression was.

"The company officials-" She paused, and Jeonghan nodded for her to go on. "they said I wasn't good enough. Not quite good enough to debut with seventeen. They said they had a lot bet on me but I was disappointing them."

She got worried when he stayed silent. "Oppa?" She whispered, reaching out tentatively to shake him.

He laced his hand in hers before she could reach him. "I'm sorry they said all that." He turned to look at her, a serious expression taking over his face. "But you know they're wrong, and even if you think they're right, you shouldn't have risked your own health like that."

Cyana nodded. "I know. I just-" She tried to find the words to explain. "I just wanted to debut so badly. I wanted to look good onstage next to all of you." It was a lame explanation but it was the best she could give.

"I know." Jeonghan nodded. "And you will." He pointed at the large mirrors on the wall in front of where they sat. "I watch you dance with us everyday through those mirrors. And you look beautiful. Full of talent and raw power."

She let out a shaky breath.

"Is that why you haven't been eating your meals?" He asked, looking back at her. "Did they say something about that too?"

She nodded. It was perhaps the comment that had hurt her the most. "They said I looked too heavy. That I was supposed to be a girl member. Not a boy."

Jeonghan let out a huff. "Who the fuck-" He muttered, almost to himself. "Give me the names of the people, I'll talk to them."

Cyana smiled despite the heavy setting. "They're higher-ups, Hannie. You can't do anything."

"Psh." Jeonghan waved away her concern. "Still. I'll write their names down and get rid of them once we're big enough."

She supposed she admired his optimism. "Okay." She relented. "I'll find their names and text them to you."

Jeonghan leaned his head on the crook of her shoulder, slouching a bit to reach it. "You know we love you, right?"

She didn't say anything.

"You don't have to believe it now." He said softly. "I know you're a bit weird about stuff like that." He squeezed her hand firmly. "Just need you to hear it."

She nodded. "Okay."

They sat in silence for awhile, and Cyana's ears stopped ringing. "Where did Seungcheol-oppa go?" She whispered, curious but not wanting to ruin the peacefulness of the moment.

Jeonghan cracked an eye open from his spot on her shoulder. "He's dealing with it his own way."

"Dealing with what?"

He sat up straight to look at her. "You fainting. He's our leader, he's going to feel the responsibility."

She frowned. "It's not his fault though."

Jeonghan shrugged. "It's just how he works. He's going to blame himself for not noticing it all sooner either way. Even if it's not his fault."

She stood up, swaying a bit before steadying herself. "I'm gonna go look for him, is that okay?"

She could swear Jeonghan was smirking a little. "I think he'd like that."

She found him in one of the empty studios. Seungcheol was sitting on one of the chairs when she walked in, head in his hands. He got up quickly once he heard the sound of her footsteps.

"Cyana." He breathed out, thankful she was okay. "How are you feeling?"

"Better." She whispered, sitting down and motioning gently for him to join her. She watched him hesitate before he sat down next to her.

"You shouldn't have pushed yourself so hard." Seungcheol scolded her.

"I know."

"And you should've told someone you weren't going back to the dorm. You should've let me know how much you were struggling."

"I know."

He let out an exasperated sigh. "Tell me what happened. Everything leading up to today. I assume this has been going on for awhile."

She could tell from his face he meant business, so she told him without a fight. She recited everything - the skipped meals, the ditching hangouts, the sleeping in the practice room, the toothbrush and skincare hidden in the drawers - all of it. She saw his face twist in pain when she got to the part about the company officials.

"You should've told me." He whispered, once she was all done.

"I thought perhaps you didn't want to know." She admitted.

He looked astonished she would even say such a thing. His mouth opened and closed again as he reconsidered his choice of words. "I'm your leader, Cyana. I care about this team."

"And I'm doing my job." She said, not getting what he meant. Wasn't SEVENTEEN doing quite well? And the team would do even better if she was perfect for the comeback.

Seungcheol didn't know if he wanted to strangle her and cry. "Let me reiterate." He looked at her. "I care about you, Cyana. Not the comeback."

She blinked. "Oh."

He felt more like crying, Seungcheol decided. She looked so fragile and confused at the mere thought of him even caring about her. A burning sense of rage fuelled through him. Who on earth had taught her to be so skeptical of care and love?

Cyana panicked when she saw the tears in Seungcheol's eyes. "Please don't cry." She whispered frantically, not knowing what would happen to her if she saw the dependable and strong Seungcheol break down.

"Our maknae~" Seungcheol whispered back, reaching over to brush his hand against her cheek. "Maybe I didn't do well enough, to show you you belong here. I tried being a strong leader, guiding everyone through the comeback, letting you adjust to how busy life in SEVENTEEN can be. But maybe you needed more of a gentle touch? Something more personal?" At this point he seemed to be talking to himself. "I know I didn't really take the time to connect with you on a deeper level like the others did. I was so focused on guiding you through work. I must've done something wrong, if you felt like you needed to hide this much from me. Push yourself this far."

Cyana's lips trembled as she desperately held back tears. "It's not your fault."

"It is." Seungcheol corrected her quietly. "I always strived to be a leader you could tell anything to." He paused, looking at her with sad eyes. "I'm sorry you felt the need to break yourself so much to make this comeback happen. I'm sorry the company said such harsh things. I should've noticed."

Cyana felt the sudden strong urge to give him a hug. It confused her. She only ever felt comfortable enough to initiate any sort of contact with Jeonghan, Dino, Joshua or Mingyu. Yet, when Seungcheol finished his speech and looked at Cyana with those sad, wide eyes, she decided perhaps she could make an exception. She leaned slightly in his side, stiffing slightly when his arms wrapped around her frame.

"It's not your fault." She managed to say again, telling herself to relax into his hold.

"I know it's not logical."

Cyana let out a breathy laugh. "I am sorry I lied to Jeonghan."

"I know." Seungcheol pulled her a little closer. "Please don't ever do this again. All of it. You're much more important than a silly comeback."

She nodded. "I won't."

"I'll talk with the company about the whole test thing. They shouldn't have done that, or said those things. And you need to start eating." Now that he was hugging her, he could feel just how malnourished she was. He felt as if he could accidentally snap her just by moving the wrong way. "I'll talk to the stylists too. Everyone needs a good reminder that you're part of SEVENTEEN forever."

Cyana's face flushed. "I'm sorry." She mumbled again, feeling bad for making him so worried. "I didn't know it'd hurt you so much."

Seungcheol let her go, giving her a sad look. "I hated seeing you like that. You were so pale and fragile."

She didn't know what to do with the amount of loving words she was receiving today. She looked away awkwardly. "I'll be more careful now, I promise."

She could hear the smile that overtook his face despite not looking at him. "Good." He said. "Start getting it into your head that you're important."

Both Jeonghan and Seungcheol monitored her as she cleared out her drawer and any other sign that she had been living in the practice room. She promised them both that she'd return everything back home and that she'd keep them there.

"You scared me." DK whined. "I thought you'd died."

Cyana was grateful at how lighthearted the atmosphere was once her and Seungcheol had returned to the practice room. Everyone was still obviously worried, but they seemed to have all decided not to sour the mood further. Everyone had noticed the watery eyes from both Cyana and Seungcheol as they returned but pretended not to.

"I'm sorry~" Cyana smiled at DK's dramatics.

"Ah, hyung- it was your scream that scared me the most." Dino butted in, cackling at the memory. "I was mid move and I heard a blood-curdling cry. I thought I was in a horror movie."

The others laughed along, each of them relating to the younger boy.

Joshua sidled up to Cyana amidst the chaos Dino's remark had brought, holding her waist to support her as his eyes roamed her face for any sign of lingering fatigue. "You sure you're alright?"

Cyana nodded, grateful for the warmth radiating from his body. "Yeah. Sorry."

He shook his head. "No more apologizing. Just join Hoshi, Seungkwan, Myungho and I for dinner later today, okay? We're going to check out this new restaurant Hoshi found online."

"Okay."

From the other side of the room, Seungcheol clapped for everyone's attention. "Okay! We're resuming practice!" He looked at Cyana. "You're going home." He pointed at her. "Don't argue with me."

"What?" She protested. She was feeling fine. "I'm fine!" She insisted.

Her remark was met by a roomful of protests, even Woozi and Wonwoo joined in as everyone told her to get the fuck home.

"No really!" She protested again once the noise died down. "Please, Coups-oppa. I won't push myself too hard, promise."

She watched him think it over. She could practically see it as he fought himself. "Fine." He finally relented. "But-"

She paused her celebration.

"You're sitting out for practice. You can watch and take notes, but no dancing."

She sighed, but she knew it was the best she was getting out of him. "Fine."

As she sat on the couch, notebook in hand as she took notes on the performance, she couldn't help but glance towards their leader. He was working hard, giving 120% like he did with everything he put his mind to. She felt a glow of gratitude towards him. For a second, she allowed herself to believe that perhaps she did belong here, with these people. And perhaps him and Jeonghan were right - those people had just been mean and she was already good the way she was.

author's note: wahhhh thank you so much for reading! this one was quite a ride - writing about scoups as the leader always sends tears to my eyes, we truly don't deserve him. next fic is cyana's debut fic (finally!)

[mwahsol]

What do you want from me?

Description: Constant arguments, ignoring each other, miscommunication, etc. After a big fight, you get tired and ask her a question that leads to tears and clarification. Anyway, enjoy(?)

“Say something, got nothing to say now?” She says as she thinks she's got the upper hand, but in the pit of her stomach, she can feel something brewing. Nerves? But what does she have to be nervous about, that blank look on your face? How does she feel like you're looking right through her? No, she's winning, so why does she feel like something bad is coming? No, she's just overthinking. Right?

It felt like hours passed of you just staring at her, why aren't you saying something. As she goes to say something, you beat her to it. “What are we doing?”

Time stops. What do you mean? She's at a loss for words. Her mouth feels dry, all of the words that she braked at you now are words that she regrets, why does her throat feel like it's closing up?

“Paige, what do you want from me?” You ask her. You can't take it. All of the fights, yelling at each other with no end.

“One day we're happy and can't get enough of each other, we kiss, hold hands, we’re in love one day then the next another fight starts and we go to ignoring each other.” There's no way that's true, is it?

“Y/n what are you saying” She lets out scared that she may know the answer.

“Paige, what do you want? Because this isn't healthy, this isn't a relationship.” Looking at you now she notices that you're crying, the beautiful eyes that she could look into forever are crying, and the faces that looks at her with nothing but pure adoration is stained with tears and exhaustion. The face that she holds with care so that she won't hurt you is red and puffy. How did she not see it?

“I love you, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, I love you so much that it consumes me, it eats me alive, but I can't keep fighting with you. I want to be able to come to you and just love you and when we fight it can't be like this. So what do you want? Please I can't take it” Why can't she say anything? Why can't she move? She wants to hug you, she wants to tell you that she wants to fix this but she's stuck. Why? Why now?

You watch her; you can see that she's nervous, but you need an answer. You need to know. You deserve one. “Say something, say anything, fight for me, show me you care.” You scream at her in your head.

You had to ask, it's selfish but you had to, you can't keep going like this. Watching her panic hurts you, all you want to do is hold her and tell her that it's okay and that you're sorry. You could take it back but you don't want to. You need her to tell you even if you sound pathetic. For her, you'll more than happily be.

Why can't she answer? She looks at you like she wants to say something but no words will come out. Why now?

“Maybe we should take some time apart. A few days could be good,” you say, believing it could be good for you both.

“What? No no, we don't need that.” She rushes out scared that if you walk out of her dorm you won't come back. She can't lose you.

“Paige, you can't even answer me. I know what I want, I want you, I've always wanted you through everything, even through all our fights, I fought for you. I know sometimes it didn't seem like it, but I did it all for you. I'm selfish and want you all to myself, but you need some time to think. Maybe the space will be good. Come find me when you're ready to answer me. No matter the answer, I'll be waiting.” Before she can argue and try to make you stay, you collect your bag and shoes, rushing out, but before you kiss her, just in case it may be the last. You pull away to leave her dorm and close the door behind you, knowing if you don't, you'll turn around and run back. It's for the best, you tell yourself, so that maybe it comforts you.

She watches you. How could she stand there and watch you walk out? How could you have thought that space would be good? Why didn't she stop you? Why?

When you kissed her she couldn't react fast enough to kiss you back, if it was one second longer she would’ve kissed you back, she would've held on so that you could see that she needs you, that she wants you. She can taste your tears, even your tears taste sweet to her. Why couldn't she just have told you that she wants you, just you. You are everything she's ever wanted. If you were a drug she would never even think of quitting you.

She can feel herself slowly start crying, as she stands shaking and hyperventilating she feels her crying turn into sobbing quickly. Sobbing over you, the lack of your presence, your tears that she caused, the pleading look in your eyes begging her to just say something, how you rushed out quickly, the kiss that still lingered, how you closed the door before she could even think. She can still smell your vanilla perfume, and the coconut smell of your shampoo, even while you're crying you're still the most beautiful person she's ever seen. Paige Madison Bueckers is completely and utterly in love with you.

She's still sobbing by the time her roommates get home, the only difference is that she's now sitting on a couch trying to calm herself down. KK and Azzi rush over to her trying to ask her what happened. Aubrey rushes to the kitchen to get water while Ice asks if they should call you so that you can help. At hearing your name she's finally able to say something.

“No.” She choked out, “You can't call her, this is my fault.”

“P, what are you talking about?” Azzi asks because they're curious and worried when they walk into their teammate crying alone.

“We were arguing and after a while, she asked me what I wanted and I didn't say anything, why didn't I say anything, I was in shock because I love her so much and she knows I do but the words couldn't come out. Oh god, what if I lost her? Azzi, I can't lose her. I can't do it without her. She said maybe the time would be good and that she’ll wait for my answer but I don't need time, I want her.” She spits out while crying.

“Ok, ok, it's only a little bit of space for you both to calm down and gather your thoughts. She's not gone, and if she's willing to wait for your answer, then that means she loves you too. She's putting your relationship first by giving you time to think because even though she knows you love her, the relationship hasn't been healthy for a while, and she wants to make sure you want to work towards it being healthy, no?” Azzi relays, trying to show Paige that this isn't the end.

“Exactly, and if you mean what you say and want to work on your guy's relationship, this may be good so you can come up with a game plan. Try to see how this could benefit you guys.” Aubrey chimes in, handing her the water making sure she drinks it.

It makes sense but she can't help but be worried that when she goes to give you an answer you won't want it anymore. The rest of the night is a blur to her all she can focus on is how there's reminders of you scattered throughout her dorm. Your pillows and blankets on her bed, your hair ties on her desk because you always lose them and she finds them, perfumes you've left there that she smells whenever she misses you, your clothes lying around, your jewelry mixed with hers, books you've read on her bookshelf, polaroids of you decorate her walls and desk, some of your makeup in the bathroom along with your skincare, you're all around her. You haunt her, all that runs through her mind is how she misses you. She craves you. She prays for you.

Right before she falls asleep she vows you get you back.

You're not any better. As you get to your dorm you feel like you just got hit by a bus, you look like it. As you walk in your roommates see you and try to get your attention to check in on you but all you can do is walk to your room, wanting to be alone. You change into clothes that Paige left there. They swallow you but you don't mind. They smell like her. You can't bring yourself to do anything else, all of your energy has been sucked out of you. All you can think about is Paige, your beautiful girl, how could you leave her like that?

You had to, you love her too much to keep fighting back and forth with her. You exist just for her, you were designed to love her, you breathe for her, and if you could you would crawl inside of her. As your eyes start to shut you wish on every star that she comes to you and tells you that she's ready to fight for you. Every single star is worth her.

As you suggested Paige takes a few days to think, but not about what she wants. She knows what she wants but she wants to make a gesture to show you how much she wants you. Planning has taken her a while but when she was ready to act on her plan she had to almost beg your roommates to help get you out of the dorm. When she heard that you locked yourself in there rarely coming out except to eat it broke her, all she wanted to do was run to you and get on her knees and beg you to come back but she knew that she needed to make it special for you both.

You missed Paige like crazy. You were a bit sad that she hadn't reached out yet but in all fairness, you told her to take a few days and you may have turned off your phone not wanting to hear from anyone.

You slowly started coming out of your room more day by day, after four days one of your roommates asked you if you could get groceries later on in the day so that when she got home she could make dinner.

“Yeah, by what time do you need them?” You ask not wanting to be late.

“Hm probably around 6ish but if you don't mind could you go to the Target 30ish minutes away, I checked if the one near us had the protein powder I need and they don't but the other one does pretty please, I’ll owe you one,” she begs knowing you'll say yes but in reality, she's just trying to get you out of the house so Paige, her teammates, and your other roommate could help them with her plan.

“Yeah, sure, I'll leave like at 4ish, maybe 3:30, that ok?” Thinking about possible traffic, you give yourself some time.

“Yes, thank you so much.” She can't wait to start settling everything up as soon as she sees you leave.

As you check the time it reads 3:16, you get up and start getting a bit ready so you don't go out looking like how you feel, you shower in the morning so now it is just to do a bit of makeup and change. When you feel presentable you start collecting your things to head out.

“Kay, imma head out.” You gave them a heads-up.

“Ok, be safe,” they call out as you shut the door. When they see your car heading out from the window, they call the team to give them the green light to come over and start prepping.

As they start rearranging the dorm to fit the plan they hear a knock and come face to face with the all team.

“Do you think she’ll like it?” Paige asks nervously knowing you'll like it but needing a bit of reassurance from the people who are also close to you.

“You know she will, but hey, remember we know where you live, so treat our girl right, yeah?” Your other roommate tells her while bringing in some flowers, threatening her teasingly, she knows Paige would die before she ever purposely hurt you.

“Yeah, I know, let's get to work so we can finish,” she replies, confident in her plan.

When you're nearing your dorm you're a bit suspicious that you can't hear anything, usually, there's at least some noise from the TV or speaker playing music but it’s oddly silent. You ignore it just wanting to drop off the groceries and go into your room to take a nap.

As you put in your key and push the door open, you're greeted by roses, candles, and flower petals leading to the living room? As you follow them, confused, you see her, Paige, your Paige. Everything in your body wants to run to her and kiss her till you can't breathe anymore, you hold yourself back. The last time you saw each other, a lot of tears were shed, and she never gave you an answer. You had to respect that.

“What are you doing here?” You ask, wanting to appear calm, but in reality, inside, you were jumping up and down, just happy to see her.

“I never gave you an answer,” Paige says while looking at you trying to soak in your appearance. God, you are more beautiful every time she looks at you. Your hair that she could run her hands through, your face that is embedded into her mind, her shirt that you're wearing, how you can tell that it isn't yours showing people that you're hers. She could look at you forever and never get tired of you.

“Yeah, you didn't.” You turn to put the groceries in the kitchen, hoping to hide the fact that you're desperate to hear what her answer is. As you set them down, you come to stand in front of her, your soul focus is her. Even with all the roses, candles, and twinkling lights around you, all you can stare at is her. “Well, Paige, what do you say,” you need to hear her say it. It won't matter unless it is from her.

“Y/n, my sweet girl, you are the love of my life, you're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, I'm blessed that every day I get to wake up next to you, and if I'm not next to you, I look forward to see you. You are the most enchanting person I've ever seen, since the first time I saw you, I never wanted to look away, whenever I play, I make sure you're watching me because I want to impress you and show you how hard I work so that one day when I go pro, you'll still watch me and get that beautiful smile when I score. I can't fathom the thought of ever not loving you. Baby, I can't even talk regularly about you, you make me dizzy with your near existence, I admire you every day. I soak up every detail about you. Whenever I'm not with you, I miss you, during my away games, when you can't come, or just when you’re in a different room, I miss you. For so long, my dream has been basketball then I met you, and I started dreaming about you. When people ask me about you, I cannot help but light up at the chance to talk about you, even coach has told me that my eyes light up when I talk about you. When I listen to older love songs, you come to mind. Every love song is about you in my eyes. I'd give up anything just to be in your presence. The first time you said you love me, right then, in that moment, I found out what heaven is. You asked me what I want, y/n all I want is you, I want you, only you, I want you entirely, no one and nothing else will work. I want to work on this with you, I want to do everything with you, I promise to be better with you, please, baby I can't be me without you.” While Paige went on with her speech, you started crying. You couldn’t believe how much this woman loves you, how much she adores you, how much she's ready to give so that this can work. She wants you just as much as you want her.

“Paige I want you so much,” when you say that she rushed to you, she crashes into you holding you like you could vanish into thin air, she holds you like she’ll never let you go. You hold her just as much.

While you both just hold each other in the middle of your living room, she can feel you laughing. “What's so funny, baby?” She asks curiously.

“Well, I kind of also have a gift for you, but I have to go get it from my room,” you say, legging go of her slowly to go get it, but she's holding you tighter, not liking the idea, “Yeah nah get it another time I'm happy here.”

You giggle, swaying your bodies, “I promise it'll only be like five seconds. Come on, my love.” As you tell her, you cradle her face, sipping away some of the tears that she let out while she was giving her speech for you. Now pouting teasingly, she nods but tells you to be quick. You rush to your room to collect a pink envelope from your vanity and come back to see her sitting on the couch, waiting for you with open arms.

“What's that?” She asks with a smile, having an idea of what it is. You climb in next to her while she wraps her arm around your shoulder you answer, “A letter I wrote for you.”

“Read it to me,” she says, laying her head on your shoulder, ready to hear you speak, you nod your head, opening the letter, and start reading it.

“P I was destined to meet you, I was destined to fall in love with you, I knew it as soon as you said hi to me and asked me if I knew where the theater was. I have loved you for three years, and I will love you for many more. I'll love you even when we're nothing but dust. I believe that we were made from the same star. I fall for you every day, I fall for your smile; your laughter is my favorite sound, and I could listen to your voice forever. You make me feel alive. You have shown me what it's like to be loved gently and have taught me how you love gently. I have memorized the shade of your eyes, how your hair feels, the warmth of your skin, every small scar on your face, your teeth, and your favorite perfumes, I even remember your heartbeat. I crave just to lay down beside you. I love you with every part of my soul. I cherish the nights when we cook together and just laugh. The small moments are things I will never overlook or forget. When your hands hurt, I want to hold them, I want to kiss them better. I want it all for you. I will forever support your dreams, I'll do everything in my power to help you get to where you want. To me, you're everything. If you wish to have a star, I'll steal one from the sky to give it to you. Anything you want, I'll give you. Paige, I love you more than words could ever describe.”

As you finish, you look and see her crying again, “I'm sorry, love I didn't want to make you cry.” You try to wipe all the tears you can.

“No, no, I'm just happy that we both are here together and in love. I never imagined that I could ever love someone this much. Y/n, you're it for me, you know that, don't you? I'll marry you one day and give you my last name that you can wear with pride.” She confesses, hoping you know how certain she is that she will marry you.

“I know baby, I'll proudly wear your name even now. You're it for me too,” you say while looking directly into her eyes so she can also see how much you want it to.

“Good, I'm so grateful for you baby.” You can't help but laugh a little that you were worried a few days ago that she didn't want this, “I'm grateful for you too.”

“Do y'all think they're good?”

“Probably those two are too locked in to give up.”

“Yeah, I was kinda looking forward to making dinner though…”

‘Shut up, let's go get food I’m starving too.” Both of your roommates knew you would work it out, but they weren't patient enough to wait for y'all to get done to go get food.

Soooooo, hey, you guys...anyway, I kinda have an idea for a fic, but I'm still working out a few details, and maybe I'll post it before I go back to editing my old work to be reuploaded. Omg also, I'm about to drop out of school soon to go to cosmetology, so wish me luck, ya girl needs it. <3

Kiss the sun🌞

[sequinsmile-x]

Weary

Guilt rolls in his gut when he gets the door open and he is met with the sight of his frazzled wife, her hair in a haphazard bun on top of her head, dressed in the clothes he’s fairly sure she was wearing three days ago with milk stains on the shoulder of a shirt that used to be his.

AKA - the one where Aaron comes home from a case to find his wife and their newborn baby girl worn out from a lack of sleep.

-x-

Hi besties,

I am exhausted after being back at work for the first time since my surgery. I've only been working in the mornings but I am worn out...I'm not entirely sure my brain was even switched on when I wrote this. I just opened my laptop, opened a Google Doc and started to type.

I really hope you enjoy this. It's just some soft hotchniss (softniss hehe) that I think we all deserve <3

As always, let me know what you think!

-x-

Warnings: None

Words: 2.2k

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

Aaron hears Alice crying through the front door, the baby’s wails piercing through the thick solid wood as if it were made of nothing more than plasterboard. The guilt he’d been battling the last few days, which had simmered low in his gut whenever he thought about his wife at home alone with their newborn and Jack, comes back with a vengeance. A spark of it catching fire in his veins as he digs through his pockets to find his keys, desperate to get into the house and help in a way he hadn’t been able to do from two states away. 

He’d hesitated in the first place, not sure he wanted to leave Emily and the kids at home only a month after Alice had been born, but Strauss had given him no choice. He had taken the first two weeks of his daughter’s life off of work, and had allowed himself to sink into the happy, exhausting, bubble he and Emily’s home had turned into. Going back to work at all had been hard, his heart in a vice as he walked out of the house for the first time for longer than simply going to the store to get milk or bread, but going away on his first case three days ago had been harder. He’d called every night, smiled at every picture Emily sent him of the kids together, and missed them all more than he could put into words. 

The guilt rolls in his gut when he gets the door open and he is met with the sight of his frazzled wife, her hair in a haphazard bun on top of her head, dressed in the clothes he’s fairly sure she was wearing three days ago with milk stains on the shoulder of a shirt that used to be his. She has Alice in her arms, her body tense as she tries to soothe the newborn, her posture getting visibly tighter with their daughter’s continued cries. Emily had sounded tired whenever they spoke. A croak to her voice that had once meant hangovers and late nights with the girls, her head in his lap as she lamented that last shot of tequila as he offered to go buy fast food for her, or the end of a long case when they’d slink into bed together, her face pressed against his neck, already half asleep before he tugged the covers over them. 

He wonders if she’s slept at all whilst he’s been gone, if he should have pushed more whenever she insisted she was fine, but he couldn’t change that now. All he could do was help her, to look after both of his girls in whatever way they needed him. 

“Hi sweetheart,” he says, smiling as he steps towards her, his heart aching when she looks at him with tired eyes, never stopping the way she’s rocking side to side in an attempt to soothe Alice. One hand on the tiny baby’s back and the other cupping her head, her thumb tracing back and forth over her temple in a way they’d learnt calmed her down when she was just hours old. 

“Hi,” she chokes out, her eyes shining as her voice cracks. She’s as on edge as he’s ever known her to be, barely holding herself together, and he drops his go-bag to the floor, all of his focus on her, “You’re home.” 

She sounds so relieved it breaks his heart, makes the pieces she’d put back together herself facture, guilt and regret slipping into the gaps as he wonders why he didn’t just tell Strauss no when she told him he needed to return to full duties. 

He shakes it off, pushes away however he’s feeling right now because whatever she’s feeling is infinitely more important. Her usual emotional control was long gone, left somewhere in her first trimester when she started to cry at anything. It frustrated her to no end, made her angry at herself whenever she’d get emotional over something she deemed ridiculous, and he knew he had to tread carefully. 

He didn’t want to upset her any more than she already was. 

“Yeah,” he says, stepping towards them, “I’m home,” he leans in and kisses her forehead and then kisses the top of Alice’s head, catching Emily’s thumb at the same time. He places his hand on Emily’s back and rubs a circle on it. He feels more than hears her sharp intake of breath and he knows he’s only seconds away from both of them being in tears, “Do you want me to take her, sweetheart?” 

She sucks in a breath and then blows it out, her cheeks puffing with it as she looks up at the ceiling, a failed attempt to stop tears pushing past her lashline, “I’ve been trying to get her down for hours,” she says, her lips pressed together as her chin trembles, “It’s been like this since you left. She won’t sleep. Jess came to get Jack a few hours ago, he’s sleeping over at hers tonight so at least he can get some sleep,” she sucks in a breath again and it catches on her ribs, the ache of it something that rattles in her chest, “I’m so tired, Aaron.” 

He kisses her forehead again, “Let me take her, okay?” He says gently, still rubbing circles on Emily’s back as she finally stops swaying side to side. She nods, too tired to fight him on the request, to insist that she could do it because she wasn’t sure she could. She kisses Alice’s head, whispering an apology against her dark hair before she hands her over, “She’ll be due a feed soon, right?” 

She nods, her arms tight across her chest, her arms aching both from now being empty and from what felt like holding Alice nonstop for days, “Yeah. I kept trying to nurse her to see if that was why she wouldn’t settle but she just wouldn’t latch.” 

“Is there milk in the fridge?” He asks, shifting from side to side like she had been, and Emily wraps her arms around herself even tighter when it works almost immediately, Alice’s cries quietening down to a whimper as if all she’d wanted all along was her father. 

“Some. I pumped this morning,” she answers and he looks up at her, his smile so kind and soft she almost bursts into tears. She struggles to suck in a breath, her lungs stuffed full of sadness and every bad thing she’d been thinking about herself the last few days, “Haven’t really had a chance since.” 

“Why don’t you go and have some time to yourself?” He suggests, “I’ll try and settle Little Miss Hotchner.” 

She wants to argue again but can’t, all of her energy focused on holding herself together, on the way Alice was practically silent now, her fist in her mouth as she self soothes for the first time in hours. 

“I…I might go shower,” she says, pointing over her shoulder to the stairs, “I don’t remember the last time I did.” 

Aaron nods, “I’ll meet you up there, okay?”

“Okay,” she replies, looking at them once more, her gaze lingering before she turns around and disappears up the stairs, the drag of her tired feet against the floor echoing throughout the hallway. 

He sighs when he can no longer see her, and he looks down at Alice, her dark wide eyes meeting his, “You really put Mommy through it the last few days, huh?” He says, kissing the top of her head as he heads to the kitchen, “We’re going to make sure you have something to eat and then get some sleep,” he kisses her again, “And then I’ll make sure Mommy does the same.” 

___

He settles Alice into her bassinet with the same level of care and anxiety he’d have if moving an active bomb. He holds his breath as he lays her down, sighing happily when she stays asleep. He steps away, making sure he grabs the baby monitor as he goes even though he knows he won’t be far enough away to truly need it. He pauses when he makes it to the door of the ensuite and knocks before he walks in. 

He hadn’t heard running water at any point even though he knew Emily was in there, so he half expects to find her sat on the floor, asleep and propped up against the wall. Instead, he finds her sitting on the closed toilet seat, her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands, her sigh audible as he gently closes the door behind him. 

“Is she asleep?” 

He nods, even though she doesn’t look up, and then kneels in front of her, ignoring the crack in his knees as they hit the tiled floor, “She’s asleep,” he says, reaching for her hand and linking their fingers together, running his finger back and forth over the pulse point on her wrist, “I thought you were going to shower.” 

She laughs humourlessly, “I was going to but…I don’t have the energy. The thought of washing my hair made me cry…” She shakes her head at herself, wiping a stray tear from her cheek, “So I sat down for a minute and lost track of time I guess.” She sniffs and shakes her head, her lips pressed together as she tries and fails to hold back a sob, “I don’t think I’m any good at this.” 

He squeezes her hand, “You don’t think you’re any good at what, sweetheart?” 

“Being her mom.”

He barely has time to register what she’s said, the insecurity he’d seen thrumming beneath her skin since he’d got home lingering in the air between them, because she bursts into tears. A sob catching in her throat as she leans forward into the embrace she knows he’ll have waiting. He wraps his arms around her, holding her close as he rubs his hand up and down her arm. 

“You’re an amazing mom,” he says, kissing her temple, “Alice and Jack are both so lucky to have you.” 

She scoffs and shakes her head as she pulls back to look at him, “I can’t even get my baby to sleep,” she furiously wipes tears from her cheeks, “I tried for hours and she just settled immediately for you.” 

“Sweetheart,” he says, cupping her cheek to encourage her to look at him, “You’re exhausted. She was too. And you were both overwhelmed and making each other more unsettled. It happens and it doesn’t make you anything less than an incredible mom,” he rests his forehead against hers, “Alice loves you. So much,” he smiles as he squeezes her hand, “We all do.” 

She blows out a stuttering breath, not entirely sure if she believes him, and she shakes her head, “I’m just…I’m so tired Aaron.” 

“I know you are,” he says, kissing her before he stands up, “Which is why I’m going to help you shower, hair washing entirely optional,” he smiles when she does, her lips pressed together as she tries to capture it, “Then whilst you get ready for bed, I’ll go downstairs and get you something to eat,” he wipes a stray tear from her cheek, “And then after you’ve eaten you can sleep. I’ll keep an eye on Alice until she next needs to be fed,” he tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear, “That’s when you’ll have to step in I’m afraid. I used the last of the milk in the fridge earlier, and I lack the equipment to feed her myself.” 

Emily chuckles dryly and reaches out for him, stroking her thumb over his jawline as she cups his face, “What did I do to deserve you?” She says, her lips shaking as she desperately tries to stop crying, “I didn’t even ask how you are, or how the case was. You just walked straight into chaos.” 

He smiles and kisses her forehead before he stands, “The most beautiful kind of chaos,” he says, offering her his hand to help her up, “The real question is, what did I do to deserve you?” 

She rolls her eyes at him, the tightness in her chest easing for the first time in days, “Why don’t we just agree that we’re both lucky to have each other?”  

He stamps his lips against hers, “I can agree to that,” he says, “Now,” he says, “Hair wash, or no hair wash?” 

She scrunches her nose up, “No hair wash tonight,” she yawns, too tired to even try to hide it as she nods towards the shower, “I’m worried I’ll fall asleep in there even with your help,” she smiles at him, “So, just a shower tonight. Maybe you could help me wash my hair tomorrow though?” 

He kisses her, his smile pressed against hers, and then he pulls back, taking a moment to revel in her beauty. Stained t-shirt and tired eyes and all. “Tomorrow it is.”

[jpitha]

Between the Black and Grey 70

First / Previous / Next

Fen awoke to Ma standing over her, smiling with her eyes. "Fenchurch, you really know how to get into a mess, you know that right?"

Fen sat up. Here, she didn't hurt. "What can I say Ma? I'm tired of being told what to do, and am doing things that I want to do."

She nodded once and put her hand out to help her up. "Good. You're learning." Fen stood up and looked around. It was the same old place it always was, but they were alone in the forest. "It'll be hard though."

"hmm?" Fen wasn't listening.

"Doing things that you want to do. It's hard. It's easier to just listen to everyone else and do what they say."

Fen chuckled. "That's hard too Ma. No matter what I pick, it's hard."

"Yes," Ma agreed. "That's life."

Fen came back, pain still there, disorientation still there, but now she was also floating in space. Her suit was helpfully flashing all kinds of warnings about being adrift in space but she was able to dismiss them. The beacons on her head and shoulders flashed to alert any potential rescuers that she was out here, but scans from the - admittedly - low power radar on the suit indicated she was alone.

Except she wasn't.

Where once there was just her expeditionary force and the white hole was now a... nebula.

It was beautiful.

No, more than that, it was stunning. Rainbow colors, swirling, dancing around her, visible in every direction. She was awash in a sea of color. But why? Was it the nanites?

As she floating in space, Fen stared at once location while time passed. She was sure that the nebula was very slowly moving. With a gasp that turned into a coughing fit, she realized what she was seeing.

It was a war.

The Nanites and Han'iel's nanites had consumed the entirety of the expeditionary force as raw material, and were now around her in the tens of trillions, fighting. The concentration of machines was so dense that she could see them.

Fen thought to herself, well okay Fenchurch. You came back here and you're making your own decisions now. So now what? Fen thought about the implant. It would make a dent in the volume of nanites here, and might be the tipping point to end the battle, but was she ready to do that? No. Not yet at least. Besides, if she did that now the virus in her body would never spread. She had to get closer.

Ugh, but how? The suit had maneuvering jets, but they weren't meant to be used for millions of kilometers. She could link again and get closer, but then that would be it. She'd be stuck. She queried the suit. 'Power options?'

INTERNAL BATTERIES 80%. USEFUL LIFE AT CURRENT POWER OUTPUT - 100 SOL STANDARD DAYS.

Well. At least she's starve to death before she froze to death. She tried again. 'Are the batteries sufficient to operate the wormhole link backpack?'

QUERYING... NEGATIVE. SUIT BATTERIES WOULD BE DEPLETED.

'Recharging options?'

CONNECT TO POWER ON SHIP OR STATION.

Ugh, it didn't have like, solar panels or anything? Fen had no idea about suit design, but she felt like something like that as a last resort would have been useful. 'Radio?'

LOCAL AREA ONLY. NO SIGNALS IN RANGE CURRENTLY.

Dammit. It turned out that an emergency rescue spacesuit wasn't just a teeny spaceship after all.

While Fen was working through her options and arguing with her suit, the nebula slowly came closer to her. She noticed as the color outside her face shield changed, and she looked up and gasped. What she had thought was a slow wheeling progression of the nebula was actually the nanites moving at tremendous speed. They had traversed the distance to her in less than two hours. Before she realized what was happening, the swirl of color surrounded her suit. Red warnings flashed in her vision SUIT INTEGRITY COMPROMISED. SUIT INTEGRITY COMPROMISED. Her suit was being eaten for material.

"Oh fuck." She said aloud, "now you've done it."

Ah, Empress. You are alive after all. The voice was practically liquid in its smugness.

"I could say the same thing about you. How goes the war with Han'iel's creation?"

We persevere, Fen. We were built well.

"Oh goody. You can talk to me as well." Fen sighed. "Well, as it appears that I am being consumed for raw materials in your battle, you had better say your pieces before I'm gone entirely."

Gone? You're not going anywhere. You forget we can manipulate matter on any scale.

Don't worry Fen. Once these nanites are destroyed, we will take good care of you. Han'iel's nanites spoke to her with a K'laxi accent. Almost but not quite sounding like Han'iel himself.

Take care of you? They can't even tak-- Her original nanites started to argue again but stopped sudddenly. What did you do?

"Whatever do you mean?" Fen said innocently, while grinning wickedly. It was going to work.

You have introduced a... pathogen. How?

"Don't worry about how, worry about your own damn survival now. I don't even care that I'm out in space alone because I got you. Neither of you will be able to come up with a counter in time."

We shall see about that.

Both of the nanites pulled out of her mind quickly, without taking care to be gentle. Through the blinding headache they left, Fen was laughing. It worked! It really worked! Her idea worked! "See Ma? I did it! I beat them. Not Gord, not the Empire, ME!" She shouted.

Before her eyes, the nebula changed. Rather than a dancing, swirling rainbow colored cloud, it was slowly - but surely - turning gray. The virus was taking over the nanites, using them to make more, and then disassembling what was left.

Fen floated, between the black and the gray, and watched them die.

****

"They think we have Fen!" Chloe shouted, as Gord took control of the ship's operation to dodge the attacks.

"Well, we kinda did." Gord said, trying to keep his voice reasonable as he concentrated.

"We - you - saved her life!"

"Yes. but they don't know that, Chloe. We never told them. I was going to, but then there was the nanite thing, and we had to put her in hibernation, and then the virus... I dropped the ball." Gord did the virtual equivalent of a shrug. "They don't usually shoot first and ask questions later though."

"They don't? Gord, are we talking about the same humans?"

"Okay okay, sometimes they do. Open a channel, I'll explain it."

"They closed communication." Chloe scanned the logs. "Looks like they opened all frequencies and asked for an explanation... and someone told them to kick rocks."

"Who?"

Chloe shook her head. "Don't know. They were far away, probably out near Jupiter or further. They were on at least a couple minute delay."

"Dammit!" Gord swore and went over to the comm set. He set the power output to full and opened all the channels. As he did so, he moved some relays and rerouted power from the reactor. As environmental powered down, his array powered up. Across Sol, everyone's comm array was overcome with static. Media players, comm arrays, and even some larger metallic structures all obeyed his command. For now, Gord was the Loudest thing in Sol. "Attention Humanity. We do not have Empress Fenchurch. We did, but she left on her own. If you stop shooting and take an Ancestors damned BREATHER, we can discuss this." Gord cut the connection and put the power back where it was. Times like this he was annoyed that he couldn't snap a physical toggle closed. It was much more satisfying.

****

"Empress?!" The weapons officer looked over at Penny.

Penny was trying very hard to hide her expression, but she didn't have Fen's experience. Her eyes were giving it away, Zhe noticed. She was frightened out of her mind. "S-Stand down. Weapons to idle."

As the weapons powered down, and the ship got off of its battle footing, one of the younger officers eye's went wide. "Empress... you should see this," and gestured. She and Zhe looked down at their pads.

And stared at the stardrive of Home.

Before Home was the... well, home of the AIs, it was a colony ship. Nearly a third the size of High Mars Hyacinth, it was designed to streak through interstellar space, bringing thirty thousand humans in hibernation and enough supplies to start up at least three cities. Six were launched, three made it, one blew up just outside of Sol, and two were lost. This was one of them. In order to thrust up to 50% of C, the colony ships had positively titanic star drives. Large enough to swallow a Starjumper, their exhaust would streak behind for hundreds of kilometers when under full thrust.

And one was pointed directly at them.

They hadn't planned on running, they had planned on lighting their stardrive, Zhe realized with a shudder. Her fur puffed out in fear. She knew the value of the human's old drives as a weapon. She looked over at Penny; she hadn't figured it out. Zhe flicked her ears in irritation. Leave it to humans to forget about their own weapons.

"Penn-Empress." Zhe said gently. "They pointed their stardrive at us. They were going to fire it."

"And run away? They have a wormhole generator, why run away with their old stardrive?"

"We-el, yes, they would start moving." Zhe said carefully, "but more importantly the drive exhaust would have reduced us to our constituent atoms."

"Oh" Penny said, and then her eyes widened when she parsed what Zhe said. "Oh."

"Yes," Zhe nodded. "On the Heap we're taught to never go behind a human ship. We were never going to win this engagement."

Penny's shoulders slumped. "They don't have Fen and we were nearly destroyed." She looked at Zhe and mouthed "What do I do?"

"Empress?" Zhe said, in a normal tone of voice. "I recommend we open a channel to Gord's ship and take him up on his offer to talk. We can learn what they know, and maybe work together to find out what happened to Fen. After all-" She flicked her ears as she spoke "-if the AI faction supports you, then your claim to the throne is that much more valid."

Penny's eyes shone. She was holding back tears. "Yes, that is an excellent suggestion. Comms, reach out to Gord's ship and let the know we wish to talk." She looked again at Zhe, blinked her tears away and whispered, "Thank you."

Zhe's face was impassive, but her tail swished behind her.

[kagecreep]

Midnight Burns (VxMC)

(KillerChat)

Description: You have trouble sleeping. V calls you at midnight, and a few little secrets slip out from both your lips.

Two requests mixed together: V who's weak for compliments & a MC who loves V's voice.

Notes: this takes place b4 you meet irl (: i gave you a lil username just for funsies and to make it a little easier to read WC: 3.2k

━─━────༺༻────━─━

Despite all your best efforts, the dawn had forgotten your name. Your sleep began early in the morning, before sunrise, and slept a scant 4 hours. Fortunately, being in an online server with people around the world, there was always someone to keep you company. Unfortunately that server happened to be filled with murderers; for better or worse, they were more welcoming than anyone else you knew, and you were assured that turning to them would bring nothing but comfort.

Tonight, however, no one was online. You scrolled up and down the different chats mindlessly, your head leaning heavily into your palm. You could write, but opening the blank page was more of a taunt than a call to productivity. Nothing was on your mind. You needed more inspiration from your latest muse before continuing with your next part of the story. To your disappointment, V was not online.

With a sigh, you left your computer on your desk, and left downstairs to fetch something to eat. You returned to your room quickly with an old bowl of pasta in hand, crawling back into your chair. 

You squinted at the bright screen, scrolling through the server channels and members one last time before vowing to work on your book. Upon seeing a notification, however, your vow was promptly tossed out the window, and you clicked into your chat with K9.

<K9> [23:00] Good evening. I know it is late, however I was hoping you could spare some time to answer a few of my questions.

You blinked several times, fingers hovering over the keyboard before you typed in your response.

<scaredevil> [23:12] yeah, i'm not doing anything. whats up? you want to call? <K9> [23:12] That would be preferrable.  Thank you for indulging me. 

Not a second later and he was calling you. You quickly brushed your hair with your fingers and accepted, sitting up a little straighter in your chair.

"Midnight calls, hm?" You said before he could speak. "Some of the other server members might think we're up to something."

"None of the other server members are able to see our private calls," he said flatly.

"Goreboy is,"  you said.

He grunted––obviously dissatisfied with that truth.

"You raise a good point. Perhaps I shall set up our own private server––remove goreboy from the equation altogether," he said, knitting his fingers together beneath his chin.

"A server just for us? Sounds intimate," you said, grinning as you leaned in.

A soft, dark blush crept onto his face.

"Nonsense. It's simply a matter of privacy. Do you not resent the idea of being monitored, as I do?"

"I do... but not really enough to do anything about it. I don't know much about coding, anyway," you said, leaning on your palm. "Besides, we live in a surveillance state."

"All the more reason to protect yourself," he said, his eyes narrowing. "You must be skilled at disposing of bodies to be so careless in hiding your identity."

You shrugged. You had tried many times to tell him, both in humorous and serious tones, that you were not a serial killer. He never listened, insistent that his gut instinct was never wrong. Some part of you found it amusing, but at least his vehement search for you allowed you to spend some time with him, even if it was filled with both vague and direct threats on your life.

"Before we start with questions... how are you feeling tonight?" He asked.

"Tired," you said, tapping your fingers against your cheek.

"Have you not been sleeping well?"

"Not really."

He nodded softly.

"I understand. I, too, have many a night where sleep evades my grasp. Can you do anything about it? Do you have medicines?" He asked in a softer tone, leaning in.

"Yeah, but they don't tend to work." You glanced up at him. "Why do you care?"

He stuttered for a moment, hands falling out of sight of the camera.

"It is... important to lead a balanced life. That way I will be the one to take you down––not some useless meandering cop or your own poorly-managed lifestyle," he said.

"Sounds... intimate," you said with a lazy smile.

He hesitated, lips parted and eyes darting to the side and back to you as he contemplated your words and his own response. 

"I... hesitate to admit this, but my vendetta is... personal, when it comes to you. I cannot figure you out. I suppose nothing is more alluring than a mystery," he said, once more folding his fingers together beneath his chin and leaning in.

"I've told you before," you chuckled, "I'm no mystery. I'm a writer."

"Yes, so you've said, and with all due respect, I do not believe it. Now if you don't mind, I would like you to answer my questions," he said.

"Of course. What's on your mind?"

"My first question. What is your favourite time of day?"

A grip creeped across your lips, devolving into giggles.

"Your questions have such a sweet facade," you said, shaking your head. "How is knowing my favourite time of day going to help you catch me?"

"Answer the question, please," he said, sighing roughly.

"Fine." You paused, biting back your smile. "I love the dawn."

"The dawn?" He repeated, eyes widening. "Interesting. You are not often online during those hours."

"I'm usually asleep then."

"Then... how is it your favourite time of day?"

"Oh, you know," you said, grunting as you stretched back in your chair, "it's a beautiful time. Renewal, quiet, and peace. My body just... doesn't... well, to be honest, I usually end up falling asleep just before dawn. Dawn hath abandoned me, and visits me no longer."

"I see."

You weren't sure if he believed you or not. You supposed it didn't matter. Before he could ask his next question, you spoke first.

"What's your favourite time of day?" You asked.

Again his eyes widened imperceptibly, taken aback by the reciprocation.

"I do not see how that is important," he said.

"You know my favourite, why can't I know yours? I already told you I'm no good at hacking, or finding people. I'm just curious," you said, shrugging.

"For all I know, that could have been a lie. But... I suppose it is only fair. I prefer the night. The vermin come out of the filth and reveal their nature, and I await them in the dark," he said, his eyes narrowing. 

He glanced up from the intensity of his thoughts and found you beaming across the screen. He raised a single brow.

"What are you smiling about?" He asked roughly.

"Nothing, I just..."

What were you smiling about? You thought for a moment. It could be any number of things, really––his voice, his manner of speaking, the intensity of his conviction. Each of these things melted you a little bit, and the fluffy covers of your bed suddenly didn't seem so unfriendly.

"... I like the way you talk. Your words. Your voice. It's very... pretty," you murmured.

He froze, his face quickly turning a deep shade of red.

"Y -" he choked on his own breath. "R... really?"

"Yeah," you sighed. "It's a shame you use it to threaten me."

He blinked several times, glancing to the side.

"W - well... I suppose... I could hold off on my search, for tonight," he said, his eyes returning to you. "If that would please you."

You smiled. The juxtaposition of him attempting to please you and promising to kill you at the same time––it tingled inside you. A wonderfully chaotic rush.

"I don't think you'd lose much by taking a break for now," you chuckled softly.

He wouldn't lose anything because he had nothing to gain. You hid nothing. Except your name, of course.

"Then... what would you like to talk about?" He asked hesitantly.

"Mmm... I don't know," you hummed, staring in a somewhat dreamy trance at your screen. "I just like spending time with you."

You weren't sure how much more of this V could take. You could practically feel the heat of his blush through the computer, and you drank in each micro-expression––the widening eyes, twitching lips, fidgeting fingers––with absurd delight.

"You... are incredibly odd," he finally stuttered out, unable to meet your eye, even through the camera.

"Is it odd to find you endearing and beautiful?"

Now you had gone too far. He hadn't even replied and you were melting with embarrassment just watching him react to your words, as though it flowed off him in such excess that it somehow reached you.

"I - it is, um, quite odd," he eventually said, staring at his keyboard.

Despite going too far, you couldn't help yourself, and dug your trench even deeper.

"Sorry," you said. "I can't help it. Even if you are planning to kill me, I can't deny... nor should I, really, that you're very handsome. And I enjoy your company. I might even tell you my address so you can be the last thing I see before I die."

He slammed his fingers against the keyboard, and with a panicked expression, hung up.

You stared at your chat for a whole minute, eyes wide from his sudden reaction. Slowly you leaned forward and began to type.

<scaredevil> [23:21] did i do something wrong?

It took him several more minutes to reply, and he took a long while to type out his message.

<K9> [23:27] No.  I apologize for ending our call so abruptly. I was... suddenly busy. <scaredevil> [23:27] you're not a very good liar, you know <K9> [23:27] ... I suppose there's no avoiding it then.  As much as I am disinclined to admit it, I was very flattered by your comments. A little too flattered.

You stared at the screen. What did he mean?

<scaredevil> [23:28] were you like..... taking a cold shower....? <K9> [23:29] I was not. I spent my time away tending to one of my rabbits. As a bonus, the activity aided in calming me. I have no affinity for cold showers anyway.

You debated your next message for a moment, heart racing as you sent it.

<scaredevil> [23:29] can we call again? <K9> [23:29] I do not believe that is a good idea.

Your heart deflated in your chest.

<scaredevil> [23:30] why not? :( <K9> [23:30] I am worried you will return to your previous barrage of compliments. ... It is not a good idea. <scaredevil> [23:30] please v? i love hearing your voice

Nothing. The marker to show his typing didn't even appear.

<scaredevil> [23:31] im sorry for pushing you i really am i didn't mean to offend you i just wanted to express a little how i felt fuck i'll stop

You curled up in your desk chair, legs to your chest, and hid your face in your knees. How embarrassing. A deep, cold, and breaking sensation crackled through your ribs.

The computer dinged, and your head shot up.

<K9> [23:38] You did not offend me. I am simply... unaccustomed to people thinking of me in such a way. It has not ever occurred before.

You quickly began to type a response.

<scaredevil> [23:38] never? thats hard to believe <K9> [23:38] Is it? I am not the most sociable of creatures. Nor am I approachable. Most would consider me imposing, or even menacing. I am not sure I have ever been called handsome, much less... beautiful. <scaredevil> [23:38] is it weird that i feel kinda accomplished to be your first? i have a little award no one else will ever have <K9> [23:38] Not the most fantastic of accomplishments, but I will not deny you your feelings on the matter. <scaredevil> [23:38] thanks :) not to freak you out again but you're sweet <K9> [23:39] Another compliment. ... Thank you.

You drummed the edge of your keyboard with your fingertips, biting at your lip. Exhaustion freely visited you but rarely came with the comfort of sleep; V's voice, the deep, dulcet tones, was a ready substitute. When he kept his words soft and yielding, you could even hear sleep knocking at your distant door. It was a lot to ask, especially after freaking him out so much, but the desperation within you was clawing. Regret would make you bleed if you didn't at least ask.

<scaredevil> [23:41] i know this is a little odd you don't have to say yes, but well to be honest, your voice has a calming effect on me. i was hoping maybe you could help me fall asleep... please. <K9> [23:42] ... Your request is strange, but... acceptable. I will aid you. <scaredevil> [23:42] that's very kind of you <K9> [23:42] Kindness is a trait I strive to exemplify in my life. But thank you. You are the first person in the server to take note of it.

A moment later and he was requesting to call you. You hurried over to bed, carrying your laptop over, and jumped beneath the covers before answering. There was barely enough time to settle your head into your pillow before the call loaded.

He let out some quiet grunting noise upon seeing you, raising his brow.

"You are... already in bed," he said slowly.

Oh, that deep, amber voice, you thought to yourself dreamily. You decided not to inform him of your delight in hearing him.

"Of course I am," you said, hiding half your face behind your blankets. "I'm not going to sleep at my desk.

"I would think not. I was... just not expecting you to already be... in bed."

You giggled, shying further into your covers.

"Are you comfortable?" He asked softly.

You nodded.

"Good," he said in a somewhat stiff tone, giving a curt nod. "If it's... not too much to ask, I would like to see your face. Consider it a favour in return for helping you to fall asleep."

It was a fair request, though you felt some embarrassment at the idea of him being able to fully see you as you drifted off to sleep. Still, with a creeping blush you lowered your blanket, revealing your face squished into your pillow. A subtle but surely there smile warmed V's expression.

"Ah, there you are," he said, leaning in, his hands lax beneath his chin. "If we are being honest tonight, I will admit you are quite beautiful, as well. A light in the dim wake of reality."

You chuckled, attempting poorly to hide your blushing face in your pillow. But your eyes remained on your screen, entranced with him.

"Charming words," you said.

"And yet speaking nothing but the truth. Now please, tell me––how can I be of service to you?"

It was your turn now to flush, to be filled with a warmth that urged you to run far away just to compose yourself. A hundred different things whirled through your head; would he really do anything for you if you simply asked with a sweet 'please' at the end? Surely not. Logically there was some limit. But your imagination knew no such word.

"You can talk about anything," you said, wishing you could hide your face again. "You can even read me a story if you fancy it."

"Anything?" He asked, raising his brow. "Are you sure?"

"Of course."

He thought for a moment, then suddenly stood, disappearing out of the camera's sight for a couple minutes. You thought to call out but decided against it, and patiently waited for him to return. 

He reappeared with a book in hand, opening it on the desk in front of him. It was a small book––barely the size of his hand––and coloured in pale earthy tones, though the title remained obscured from your vision.

"This is a collection of Persian poetry," he said, smoothing out the pages. "I... sometimes read it when I am in need of relaxation. Though at times the prose can be... quite stimulating to the intellect. I hope that, as I do, you will find it calming."

Poetry at midnight. Poetry with V, at midnight, in your bed, as he would slowly watch you sleep. 

There were worse ways to die.

With your heart pounding as intensely as it was, sleep was the furthest thing from your mind and desires––but you had asked for his help, and he had so kindly acquiesced, so you did your best to settle into the covers and slow your racing heart.

He turned a few pages, and you watched with fluttering eyes.

"Ah. Here is a poet I much admire. A mystic Sufi from the 8th century... a woman. Rabia al Basri. Let us begin."

He spoke slowly, with emphasis, with quiet adoration for the artwork of words––the intertwining taste of writer and experience, combined into a painting of poetry.

I have loved Thee with two loves - a selfish love and a love that is worthy of Thee. As for the love which is selfish, Therein I occupy myself with Thee, to the exclusion of all others. But in the love which is worthy of Thee, Thou dost raise the veil that I may see Thee. Yet is the praise not mine in this or that, But the praise is to Thee in both that and this.

"Here is another one, by Rumi. Another mystic from the 13th century," he said.

The Friend comes into my body looking for the center, unable to find it, draws a blade, strikes anywhere.

There is a light seed grain inside. You fill it with yourself, or it dies.

I am caught in this curling energy, your hair! Whoever is calm and sensible is insane.

Do you think I know what I am doing? That for one breath or half-breath I belong to myself? As much as a pen knows what it is writing, or the ball can guess where it is going next.

We have a huge barrel of wine, but no cups. That is fine with us. Every morning, we glow and in the evening we glow again.

They say there is no future for us. They are right. Which is fine with us.

Slowly you drifted away, eyes drifting shut, mind drifting off, as sleep melted into your skin like a warm rose oil. The depth of his voice, the luxuriant taste, imbued itself into your dreams. He spoke only a few more poems before you were gone, your eyes firmly closed and lips softly parted.

He closed the book quietly and set it aside. For a few minutes unbeknownst to your consciousness he watched you, eyes darting across your features as sparks of his own wandering mind came about. He wondered, though he didn't mean to, what your skin would feel like beneath his fingers. How warm your body would be beneath a shared blanket. The thought was inappropriate, and he quickly dismissed it.

He did, however, allow himself one last indulgence.

You were not his love. You had done nothing of the sort to indicate comfort in being referred to as such. But given your kindness––your gentle amiability––he was assured you were much beloved of someone.

"Good night, beloved," he murmured, lingering for a moment more, before ending the call.

Your computer quietly turned itself off.

[chaisarinawat]

Chai let out a relieved sigh when he saw that Khun Dan was awake, more lucid and aware than he had been last night. Despite being tired himself, Chai's caring nature had him continuing to fuss over Khun Dan, until the man stopped him by gripping his wrist and telling him to sit down.

"Sit down. You don't need to do any of that. I appreciate it but I'm not your responsibility. Just make sure you're feeling alright. I'm not sure if I have something viral… I don't want you to get sick either…"

"Khun, it's fine. I don't feel sick," Chai told his boss, shaking his head. The conversation he had with P'War yesterday floated into his head, about not being able to afford being sick, but he pushed it aside in favour to tending for Khun Dan. He had been alone for so long, and on the occasions where he had gotten sick - shivering and feverish in his little apartment - he yearned for another person to be there to help him. Khun Dan might have someone who is able to provide that for him, back at Bangkok, but not here, in this estate hours away from the city. He only had Chai, who wouldn't let a sick person experience that kind of loneliness.

"Have you even showered?"

"Uh..." Chai glanced down at his outfit, having forgotten that after eating last night he had planned on writing up the notes for the day before showering and heading off to bed. He had only done one of those things. "No... n-not yet Khun, I'll shower now that you're awake, but I couldn't leave you alone last night!" Chai told him, some of his worries returning.

Khun Dan thanked him, but still didn't look 100%. He needed some more time and rest to recover. If Chai knew his boss - which he did, after working directly under him for two months - he figured that the man was utterly fatigued from taking on too much on his plate, and his body was telling him he needed a break. And while Chai was glad to hear that Khun was going to lay back down, he frowned when the man said he'd call him a cab to take him back home to Bangkok.

"Get some sleep. In a few hours, you can head home. I'll stay back for a bit then I'll follow."

"Khun, that's ridiculous!" Chai argued, slapping a hand over his mouth as he realised he had raised his voice at his boss. He glanced over a little sheepishly before gently shaking his head. "Sorry Khun. What I meant to say is that I'm not going to leave you. It's not safe for you to drive back alone, and I don't feel comfortable leaving you here while you're unwell. I'm staying with you." Chai said firmly. Where was this confidence coming from?? Living with P'War must've rubbed off on him.

The young assistant stood, a little wobbly from not having slept enough, before steadying himself and speaking again to Khun Dan. "Stay in bed, it's still very early Khun. I'll shower now and then hopefully the kitchen staff will be up. I'll ask them to make us breakfast, and when you're feeling well we'll leave for Bangkok together okay?" Chai told him, deciding he won't take no for an answer. If Khun Dan called a cab for him anyway, Chai would not go - he might have to dig into his savings to pay the driver for his troubles, but he wouldn't be in the back of that car and leave his boss behind.

Before exiting the room to leave for his shower, Chai turned around at the doorway to look at his boss. "Oh! And don't even think of touching the laptop Khun! I already typed up everything from yesterday and sent out emails to push back your appointments so you have nothing on your agenda. There's no work for you to do! Just rest, okay?" Chai told him, giving the other a little smile and wave before leaving.

Khun Dan was barely conscious as Chai helped him take his medicine, occasionally groaning from the pain he must be feeling. Chai helped to wipe him down gently before making sure he was covered with the blanket, worried watching his shivering and shuddering form on the bed.

Chai had been planning on showering and sleeping, but didn't want to leave the room or rest at all. He figured that he could stay up a little bit longer, mind made up to monitor his boss and help him through his fever as much as he could.

Deciding to keep himself busy, Chai hopped up on his own bed and opened up Khun Dan's laptop to type up the notes he took about he locations today. He fully believed that Khun had overworked himself into sickness - the lack of food and probably lack of sleep didn't help, which is why he had been so lethargic today. Not only that, but Chai hadn't realised just how bad the situation at work was without an assistant - Khun Dan had been doing everything himself, without complaining. Chai didn't realise just how important he had been, in his role, since he took on a lot of the jobs that probably added on more of the workload to his boss in addition to everything else he had going on. Khun Dan's work ethic was impressive but incredibly worrying, if it meant he'd be driving himself sick like this. So, Chai thought that if there was anything extra he could do to alleviate Khun Dan's stress even just a tiny bit, it would be better in the long run for him.

Chai spent a good hour typing up his notes, organising files, and setting up Khun's meetings on his laptop while soft music played on a low volume. His gaze would shift over to Khun Dan every time he heard a noise or movement, and while he was thankful that the other was finally sleeping he could tell it wasn't a peaceful rest at all.

When he was done with working on the laptop, Chai once again approached the bed to check over Khun Dan. He still wasn't in a good way but when Chai felt his forehead he noticed the fever had subdued slightly. Hoping this meant that Khun Dan was recovering, Chai once again dipped the cloth in the water and got it damp to dab at the other's face, carefully, not wanting to wake him up.

Starting to feel tired, Chai yawned to himself and stretched, his joints popping a little. He should shower, but he was worried about leaving Khun Dan alone - what if it got worse? What if he needed help? A shower, Chai decided, could wait until morning. He had rescheduled Khun's meetings for tomorrow anyway, and they had no other properties to look over, just a drive back up to Bangkok. They could take it slow. Chai believed Khun Dan deserved the break.

Chai had intended to get up and lay down in the second bed, but his eyes started to droop. His body felt heavy too, and he slumped into the seat, head bowed slightly over close towards Khun Dan's bed as he too fell asleep.

A few hours later, Chai awoke to a gentle shake and to a raspy voice calling out his name. The younger man blinked a few times to focus before yawning, shifting a little in his seat before he realised that Khun Dan was awake.

"Chai, don't sleep on the Chai... You'll have a back and neck pain. Go to your bed... Chai..."

"Khun?" Chai called out, clearing his throat. "Oh, Khun! You're awake! Here, let me get you some more medicine!"

Chai hopped out of his chair, a little dizzy from having moved so fast after just waking up and very stiff from the uncomfortable sleeping position. He grabbed the foil pack that had been left on the table and popped out two of the pills, urging Khun Dan to take them with water. Without thinking, Chai put his hand up against Khun Dan's forehead, sighing with relief when he felt that his temperature had reduced. "You had a fever Khun," Chai told him, his touch lingering. "Are up feeling any better?"

Slowly, Chai lowered his hand, taking the glass of water from Khun and putting it on the table. "It's still early Khun, don't you want to rest for a few more hours?" Chai told him, bringing the blankets back up his boss' body. "Or do you want to eat instead? The staff are asleep but I can make some congee or soup for you. Just stay in bed and get better, okay?" Chai told him softly. He was fussing over Khun Dan, he knew, and maybe he shouldn't be so invested - P'War's words of warning were in the back of his head - but Khun was hurting and Chai didn't want to see his boss in pain. Despite everything, Khun did look out for him - now, it was Chai's turn to return the favour.

[iknowwhereyousnoozeatnight]

couple of mello + near doodles

[lovesodeepandwideandwell]

how come I love leading class and reading groups and small groups and lectures and conference papers and book clubs

and I HATE leading Women's Bible Study

[squisheebugdoodles]

Okay Here Is The Problem: everything costs money and yet money is something that i just literally never have. solution? kill the idea of money so that nothing costs anything Please. i'm so tired

[egg-emperor]

so gonna be real I barely do life updates here anymore but I've got some bullshit coming up in my personal life that's not looking good. I said I was working on finding out what's wrong with my health from doctors and getting help for a bunch of stuff in my life in general and getting a support system and stuff and I was and it was going well and things were looking up

but now I've been forcefully inducted into some programme thing to push me into doing something I'm physically incapable of doing with my disability but it's apparently mandatory or I'll lose some of the support. I don't know why they decided I can when they know of my issues (and they haven't even recieved the form where they're supposed to be checking for my capability yet so wtf) but apparently there's no way for me to opt out and it's going to last for a year at least

and I've seen a lot of negative things about this program when I wasn't even seeking bad reviews, the majority is negative. so my life might be about to go to shit for a while and I'm already feeling miserable and it hasn't even started yet lol. this may genuinely badly affect my mental and physical health which I've been working so hard to deal with lately so it's very upsetting and stressful

I hope it's not going to take up all my time and I can still be as active as I want to be here because it's one of the things that actually brings some brightness to my life. I also hope all the stress it's going to put me through doesn't affect my behavior here and seep into what I do but I'll try my hardest not to let that happen because my blog is one of the very few positive things in my life atm

best case scenario is they realize I can't do this and take me off it but it's not looking good. that would be more likely in a perfect world where people could take invisible (well mostly invisible for me) disabilities seriously. because I'm not even that hopeful about the doctor stuff at this point, maybe it's just because it's taking so damn long for the referrals I need for them to check me out in the areas needed but I don't know if they'll even find out what's up with my chronic pain and or if I'll get a diagnosis

so yeah I think I'm actually just screwed and life is about to become even more painful and exhausting for me than it already is and a hell of a lot more stressful as a result but maybe if it leads to my health worsening like fainting in front of people again it'll be enough for them to see that this was a bad idea haha. I mean first of all my first meeting about this has been booked for me the day I'm literally taking an 24 hour ECG test because they won't even let the doctors try to finally find out what's wrong with me before pushing me to do this ffs

[lee-blogs]

Still packing stuff and now i'm looking for a box for this.

My dad and i made it a few years ago for halloween, probably 2015/16 if i'm remembering right. It's made from a lays can, a wipes container from his work, and paper maché. I don't remember what the wires and front metal bits are from, but the middle actually lights up! It has one of those long battery-powered emergancy lights in it and some colored tissue paper

[piplupod]

feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.

[medicinemane]

Should make a pain killer that actually kills (or even touches) pain

[feathers-little-nest]

.

[ilovelickingrocks]

being at work makes me so miserable