#it's just hard to accept my disabilities might make this career path impossible

[pitzer]

I love this person

“Occasionally I’ll have a beer after work and break out the sketchbook. But I had wanted to be this great painter. I wanted to do these grand things: big, huge oil paintings. But those days of painting all the time were such a roller coaster. There were these periods of extreme depression, followed by manic states of trying to put myself out there. I couldn’t do it anymore. I mainly felt sorry for my dad. I know it was rough for him. My mom hadn’t wanted me to go to art school. She wanted me to do something more practical, but my dad said: ‘No. This is what he wants to do, and I want to support his dream.’ And then I abandoned it. That was the first time I had to deal with real failure. A lot of times when you’re an artist, it’s your job, it’s your lifestyle, it’s your entire fucking identity. It wasn’t like I failed to do a thing. It was like: I failed to be something, you know? It was a failure to live up to what I thought was my destiny. But then on the other side of that, there was this figuring out that there was nothing wrong with me the entire time. I didn’t need to be something else to have meaningful friendships, or a good relationship. I didn’t need to be something else to be loved and cared about. After work tonight I’m going to meet up with a person who’s in love with me, and I can’t wait. And that person met me long after I gave up on being a full-time artist. They met me when I wasn’t even a chef yet. I was a piss-poor, part-time line cook. But even then, they decided I was worth it. So you know, there’s something there. There’s something there that’s enough.”

[theshinobiway]

I Fix Team Gai’s Endings:

CAN I GET SOME LITERARY PAYOFF PLEASE?

Might Gai

How it Ended:

Gai fails to defeat Madara despite having the ‘best chance’ as a Taijutsu master. 

Gai narrowly escapes death and his leg is shattered, disabling him for life.

One of his precious students is dead. 

He’s forced to retire from the career he’s spent his whole life attempting to build. 

Well, be does get to spend his time with Kakashi (who is also in retirement), so he does have some silver lining.

What SHOULD have happened:

Gai defeats Madara, cementing his reputation as the legendary Taijutsu Master and gaining respect for Taijutsu users worldwide OR

Gai narrowly fails to defeat Madara, but Rock Lee avenges Gai by surpassing him (Possibly inventing a new level of Taijutsu that surpasses the 8 Gates).

Even if Gai is disabled, he gets the fame he deserves by being the most renowned Sensei in history. He becomes the model for all future Jounin instructors, and his training methods and philosophies (and by extension, Duy’s) become ingrained in Konoha’s teachings.

Might Duy receives the honor he deserves post-mortem because of Might Gai’s heroism.

People from all over come to battle Might Guy in his dojo, who still manages to defeat all of his challengers despite the lack of mobility in his leg. He accepts students who show particular grit, and it’s considered a badge of honor to receive tutelage from Gai.

Gai still spends retirement with Kakashi, going on trips and leaving his dojo to Lee and Tenten when he’s gone.

Rock Lee

How it Ended:

Rock Lee is an Average Dad

Despite being a romantic, his wife is nowhere in sight. He was never shown with a happy marriage with someone who loves him for who he is.

He has no particular fame or renown for his part in the war, and he has no major fights in the final war arc.

Lee doesn’t get a rematch with Neji OR Naruto.

We find out in the final war arc that Lee has a…CLAN? And then it’s never mentioned again.

What SHOULD have happened:

Lee needed way more screentime during the war. This would cement him as someone important and give us a chance to finally see Taijutsu at it's most advanced‐and I don't mean just the gates. I'm talking sheer technique and will of the human body that simply decimates.

Lee would either team up with Gai in the final fight (or attack) against Madara. If Gai gets defeated, it's Lee who steps up to the plate, delivering this badass monologue: "You all thought Taijutsu had its limits. You all thought I had my limits. Well, let me say this now: I, Rock Lee, have finally pushed Taijutsu beyond what you thought impossible. And how did I do it? Simple. You decide your limits from the beginning... and I reach them."

Lee, to the witness of the entire world, defeats Madara. No one is sure what to make of it at first, but it's clear: he's unlike any other Shinobi in history. He's created something they've never seen before and it's strong. And now, they believe in him like never before.

In the post-war, Naruto is approached with an offer about about a path to becoming Hokage. At the same time, he learns that the village is banishing Sasuke for the time being until they can sort out what to do. Naruto realizes political corruption exists so our precious war hero chooses going/being with Sasuke/his team. It's unintendedly a major political statement that has the elders clutching pearls and clamoring to pardon Sasuke. In his sendoff amid the uproar about him leaving, Naruto loudly nominates Lee in front of all the other Kage and drops the mic.

When finally confirmed after much drama, Lee makes for a FAR better Hokage. His arc goes from disadvantaged, talentless youth to the most impressive Ninja in existence by sheer hard work, the guiding theme of the series. No one worked as hard or stayed as humble as Lee, and Naruto recognized that.

Naruto can be his ‘War-Hero’ right hand when he returns. The "Hand of the Hokage." He still gets the “heroic” validation he REALLY wanted without the responsibility of governing.

Shikamaru is nervous about working with Lee since he's the opposite style in terms of, ahem, "actually working," but after a few early riffs and some honest communication, the two actually learn to balance each other out: Lee teaches Shikamaru be more diligent, Shikamaru teaches Lee to pace himself.

This also frees Naruto and Sakura up to actually accompany Sasuke on his redemption journey, be more present in the series, have relationships develop naturally, and explore the political repercussions of the war and everything that led up to it. It's a point of humility for Naruto to admit he wanted love and confidence over the real responsibility of governing, and let's just say the most effective ruler is always the one who never asked for the job. Naruto is better suited having his own squad as a jounin.

Shikamaru gets exasperated by the shenanigans Lee sometimes pulls in the office to train while doing paperwork. Lee often overworks himself too much and Shikamaru feels bad on his behalf, eventually encouraging him to delegate work. He has a much easier time guilting Lee into going home, though, because Lee would never choose to miss time with his family when it comes down to it.

Lee Clan? Don’t know her.

Lee surpasses Might Gai to become the most renowned taijutsu user in existence, paves the way for taijutsu specialists in shinobi culture.

Lee happily lives with his wife and Metal, who were definitely introduced either in a stand-alone novel or earlier in the series. They are the quirkiest, but most loving family in Konoha.

Their love story is meant to be cute and has the theme of “loving someone for exactly who they are.” I would love it if his wife was also disabled but excelled in her own field and Lee admired her for it. 

Lee invents a new style of Taijutsu techniques that he uses to defeat Madara. These techniques are on-par with some of the most legendary jutsu in existence.

Lee finally defeats Neji in a match, completing the arc we started in season 1. It’s a legendary fight that's still talked about to this day.

Lee’s condition is finally explained as being from a sickness he had as an infant that almost took his life. Gai had the same illness, but not as bad. 

He spends his adulthood looking for information on this sickness. He doesn’t want a cure for himself, but he has research done so it can save the lives of other children.

Lee does a training routine every morning. Academy students who idolize their Hokage eventually join in and try to keep up. It’s also endearing to the village that their Hokage makes time for the kids. 

Even if they can’t finish the routine (and none of them can) Lee congratulates them every morning on doing their personal best. 

Often, Lee teaches valuable life lessons at the end of his morning training sessions–just like Gai.

Tenten

How it Ended:

Tenten sets out to become a Legendary Kunoichi, but only manages to be legendary because she wields/owns all the Sage Weapons.

Tenten is never given a thorough backstory.

Tenten ISN’T the head of Konoha weapons research.

Tenten finally accepts that she isn’t like other girls and doesn’t want to have relationships or get married, her friends support her.

Tenten embraces her goofy side, becomes more like Gai and Lee and is heavily involved in their lives.

What SHOULD have happened:

Tenten originally sets out to be like Tsunade–the woman who could heal an entire army. She isn’t great at medical jutsu, but later discovers that her abilities mirror the Fourth Hokage.

Tenten vows to be legendary like the Fifth, powerful like the Fourth.

Tenten rediscovers and revives the Uzumaki’s sealing jutsu. This, coupled with her mastery of Minato’s jutsu, make her untouchable.

Tenten acquires all Sage weapons, gains fame for using them in battle to turn the tide of the war. Minato meets her and recognizes her as his successor. He gives her his blessing to revive the Uzumaki techniques as her own.

Tenten instead becomes the “Legendary One-Woman Army” In the war arc, she can teleport entire platoons of shinobi in an instant. She rains destruction down on the Zetsu army. 

Tsunade comments that her “strength of a hundred″ seal would have been wasted on Tenten; Tenten has the strength “of a thousand.”

Tenten’s mastery of seals lets her identify and rig the reincarnation seal; All deceased Shinobi that were forced to fight have their free will restored. Tenten has your army now.

Post-War, Tenten, at Hinata’s command, finds the way to remove the Caged Bird seal from the Hyuga clan.

Instead, a new seal is given to EVERY member (starting with Hinata) that functions to protect the Byakugan after death but has no other effect. It effectively halts all attempts by outside forces to steal the Byakugan.

Tenten keeps her weapons shop only because it suits her and her down-to-earth personality. She also likes the freedom to travel as she pleases, exploring the world and discovering more about the Uzumaki.

Tenten is famous for being Konoha’s #1 desirable single, but she will never settle down. It’s not what she wants.

Tenten deflects suitors with sharp objects as a gag. Everyone, though they may not understand, supports Tenten being exactly who she is, and they protect that. It remains a quietly apparent choice her character has made, and doesn't act as a challenge for the plot to fix.

She eventually becomes the sensei of Metal (and Neji’s child too, if he has one.) She pulls pranks on her team to both train them and remind them of who's in charge.

She still is involved in the lives of Gai, Lee, and Neji.

Neji Hyuga

How it Ended:

Sigh.

He begins his arc by cursing the fact that he’s going to die for the main branch and then…dies for the main branch. (And Naruto, I guess.)

Neji does not see his clan unified.

Hiashi’s throwaway comment during the war meant nothing. Neji and other branch members still had their seals. The Hyuga clan still went into the war with “head” and “branch” families. 

Neji does not get a rematch with Lee.

Neji doesn't speak to his father during the war.

What SHOULD have happened:

Hiashi dies for Neji, proving beyond a reasonable doubt that familial love comes before the hierarchy and reversing the old narrative.

Hiashi declares Hinata the new leader of the Hyuga with his dying breath, and tells her she knows what to do. He cryptically hints that Neji will lead the Hyuga to a brighter future. Hiashi knows the elders wouldn't accept Neji as head right off the bat, but he knows his daughter will stop at nothing to fight for her family.

This is also Hiashi’s redemption, finally repaying his brother’s sacrifice.

Neji gets to speak to his father during the war. It’s one of the most heart-wrenching scenes in the whole anime.

Post-War, Hinata stands before the elders and abolishes the status of head and branch families. She also has Tenten abolish the seal, as well as create an entirely new seal that goes on every member to completely protect the Byakugan from thieves but serves no other purpose.

Neji is the first to have his seal removed, Hinata is the first to have the new seal. 

Hinata then declares Neji the new head of the Hyuga while she finally gets the quiet, peaceful life she’s always wanted. If the opportunity did present itself, however, she may have her own squad with a similarly shy kunoichi. She comes to Neji often for advice on how to best train them.

Neji leads the Hyuga through major reform, abolishing harmful training methods and teaching the younger generation about the importance of family.

Neji is rightfully respected and hailed as the greatest Hyuga as he single-handedly creates new techniques that we see used in the next generation.

The Hyuga clan now selects their future leader from the most capable in the family. Hanabi is fine with this because she ‘knows she’ll be the best anyway.’ Neji teases her by saying he ‘isn’t so sure’, which pushes Hanabi to work harder.

The Hyuga are one of the most fiercely loyal and loving clans. Any affront against a single member will bring the wrath of the others. It's like one giant, close-knit family. Make fun of a Hyuga kid and now you’re getting drop-kicked by their third cousin.

Neji loses to Lee in a rematch, but warmly acknowledges his growth from when they were children. Neji is the first to officially support Lee becoming Hokage and is the one who gives him "the talk" that convinces him to accept Naruto's nomination of him to the council. Neji becomes Lee’s confidant and closest advisor.

Neji is an amazing uncle who is sometimes out of his element when it comes to dealing with his energetic niece and nephew. It’s all fluff.

When no one is looking, Himawari will stare intently (threateningly) at her uncle, who will slowly grimace and hand her a piece of candy from inside his sleeve, glancing around to make sure no one sees him complete the exchange. No one knows where Himawari gets her spontaneous candy and stash from. It's a mystery as to what he seems to be paying her off for, but it'd probably be a delicious secret to find out..

Neji’s relationship with his niece is heartwarming. He constantly threatens Naruto to be a good husband and father to his niece and nephew OR ELSE.

Neji trains Boruto and Himawari. He’s strict, but as kind as he is firm.

Neji teaches Boruto to have a closer relationship with Himawari, mirroring the relationship he had with Hinata. If he has children, they're the "cool older cousins" to the siblings and have their dad's clout for sure.

Neji might get married or have children. If he does, it’ll be the subject of a Gaiden novel. Perhaps also a quick throwaway scene in the epilogue post-war where he meets someone that catches his eye. His child(ren) will be on the same team as Metal, where they will also be rivals.

He might have twin boys if we really want to go hard with literary parallels, but it’s not necessary. He'd name his kids after his father first.

There, I fixed it.

[howtomusicmajor]

Figure Out Your Life Compass

In my opinion, the most important thing to know before graduating college is your life goal(s). This isn’t “what you want to be when you grow up.” This is what you want your life to be like, and possibly more importantly, what you don’t want to do. You need to have a guiding idea, or two, or three, to shape the choices you make with your career. That’s how you avoid being pressured into decisions you aren’t sure about. Knowing that you want to live in a big city and own three dogs will lead you to avoiding long contracts in smaller regional orchestras over gigging in the city you like. It will also lead you to living near the dog park, or in a place with a yard instead of a smaller studio just because the studio cheaper. It’s a compass - you may not know where you’re going to end up, but you at least know which direction you’re headed.

Before we get started: for this exercise, pretend you don’t have a significant other. Pretend you have the entire world open to you. No obligations! You can do whatever you want! If you do have obligations to people, familial or otherwise, you can factor those into your life once you’ve figured out your personal goals. Outside of acting as primary caretaker to a chronically ill or permanently disabled child, there is no external obligation that will forever prevent you from doing the things you truly want to do.

What do you need to survive? Obviously, food and shelter are important. Do you need particular insurance to cover medication? Do you need to live in an urban area to be close to a hospital? Do you need to live in a country or area of the country that is accepting of your identity? Take personal health issues into account before anything else!

What do you need to be happy? Do you need a short commute? Do you need to live alone, or have a great nightlife? Do you need to perform  To be happy, I personally need to get regular in-person interaction with a couple specific people, which means travel is hard for me. You probably have similar things that you could physically survive without, but whose absence will make it nearly impossible to be really happy with your life. Those get first priority, just below things that literally mean life or death.

What expectations do you have? Really examine what you feel expected to do. Some expectations might be relatively obvious - many people feel like it’s expected that they graduate from school, get some kind of job, probably have some kind of family. Other expectations may be more more subtle. If you feel stuck doing something in life, that’s an expectation. If you feel trapped in your home town or state, or obligated to get married by a certain age, or like you’re a failure if you don’t get a job in a top 30 orchestra, those are all expectations. The thing to examine is whether these are your expectations, or society’s? Are they your parents’? If you feel like you have to do something, but are unenthused or actively dreading it, consider just. Not doing it. You don’t have to get married! You don’t have to get an orchestra job, or go to grad school, or stick with a certain instrument because it’s more in-demand!

What do you consider your ideal life at 30? 40? 50? Retirement? If you could do anything, what would you do? What is your lifestyle in those daydreams you have sometimes? Examine these daydreams and ideal lives for their appeal. What is satisfying about these ideas? Do you feel accepted because you have a certain job, or admired because you’ve lived up to a social standard? Those impulses are completely understandable. Just keep in mind that chasing external approval is never going to result in deep contentment. There will be another person you want to impress, or a social ideal you can’t live up to. Consider focusing on the things you love for their own sake, as opposed to for external validation.

Basically, this is a really long way of saying “do what you want, not what other people or social constructs tell you to do.” If I did the typical career path for someone with a master’s in vocal performance, I would either get a doctorate somewhere I don’t want to live, or audition for things all over the country with the goal of getting gigs that would likely have me away from home for anywhere from a month to a year. However, I like routine, stability, and my fiance an awful lot, so I’m going to be piecing together my own, unique career in my hometown area. I know my goals, and I’m going to work with those to figure out a life that I like. You can too.

You got this!

[svu-stories]

.79

For: Anon Characters: Olivia Benson, Deputy Chief Dodds, Rafael Barba (and a guest appearance by Carisi) Warnings: None Word Count: 2,344

If it wasn’t an outright disabling of her authority, Chief Dodds never let Olivia forget her incompetence with snide remarks and subtle jabs at past failures. She would always know that Mike’s death was at her hands. Not only did she leave him alone, but she should have known to search for a drop gun when they went into Munson’s house.

Just a single thought of the day still made her stomach drop and heart jump into her throat. Single memories led to flashbacks, labored breathing, and the all too prevalent feeling of her arms wrapping around her superior as news of his son’s death invaded the world of hope William Dodds had been building around them the entire tragic day almost one year ago.

It had been one of the worst days of her career, and there was little she could do to move on from it.

Not with Dodds watching her every move.

Not with him reminding her of every misstep, every moment of risk.

When he’d requested a meeting with her, she felt the familiar drop in the pit of her stomach as she started to question what it could be about. There were a million possibilities, none of which sounded appealing to her. From the serial rapist they’d yet to catch that had been sitting on the corner of her desk for six days to why she’d chosen to wear contacts instead of glasses in the last week. She never knew anymore.

The one thing she could be certain of: Chief Dodds wouldn’t be happy.

Olivia stared down the computer screen before her, fingers barely resting on the keyboard of the laptop. She wanted to write, to fill out reports, to answer the emails that were building up in her inbox, but her hands wouldn’t move.

Maybe Dodds was right. Maybe she wasn’t fit for command. She had always said that being a detective was enough – being hands on, helping the victims, collaring the perps. Until Cragen’s vote of confidence and encouragement, Olivia Benson hadn’t wanted to move up the ranks. Maybe Dodds was right.

Lost in her own thoughts, Olivia jumped when a firm knock resounded on the door. She glanced up, regaining her composure quickly, and waving in Chief Dodds, she rose from her desk, hand extended in greeting.

“Sir,” she said with a curt nod. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Lieutenant, is there a reason that you are staring at a blank email reply? I don’t pay you to daydream,” he reprimanded firmly, accepting the handshake before commandeering the empty chair across from her desk.

Olivia’s head sunk instantly as she returned to her chair, shutting the top of the laptop smoothly and taking a deep breath. Within moments, she began to explain herself, barely starting a sentence before being cut off.

It was almost as though someone had started slowly letting the air out of a balloon. Olivia shrunk into herself, desperately wanting to disappear as a tirade of missteps, unfortunate events, and errors in command were recounted for her to reflect upon. Never before had retirement felt like such a good idea.

---

“I wouldn’t go in there,” Carisi warned, jumping up from his desk and strolling through the squadroom easily.

Barba paused, frowning as he turned to look at his mentee with a confused gaze. Normally, he would disguise his desire to talk to Olivia as work – something with a case, a question about a witness, a hair-brained idea that might actually win them a case that had been previously impossible to crack. Today, though, he just wanted to bring by coffee and ask for their usual sidebar.

“Carisi, I can go wherever I want,” Barba chided, turning back to reach for the door knob.

“Dodds is in there,” the eager detective continued, voice low and laced with apprehension. “You don’t interrupt the Lieu and Chief Dodds. And it could be a while.”

Barba let out a low sigh before glancing at the door. The blinds were drawn and the voices were murmured, mostly the deeper voice of Dodds ringing through with the occasional hiccupped phrase from Benson. Nodding in his agreement, he turned away from the office and perched himself against Carisi’s desk.

Sonny watched him with wide eyes before making his way back over, instantly using his skills of small talk and legal knowledge to engage Barba in conversation for several minutes. He didn’t fail to notice, however, that Barba’s attention wavered between their political debate and Benson’s office door.

It took everything in the Staten Island Native to not be disappointed when Barba leapt from the desk he’d taken a seat on as Benson’s door opened. Briefcase in hand, he quickly stepped toward the newly opened office. Dodds walked out, face firm and stoic, but Olivia didn’t follow. Instead, her door slammed shut almost as quickly as it had opened.

“She probably needs some time,” Carisi reasoned. “Usually does after Chief’s been in.”

“What do you mean?” Barba asked, eyes still trained expertly on the blinds as though he was trying to see beyond them.

Carisi shrugged, “Lieu’s always in a bad mood after talking to him. We’ve all learned to just give her some space and keep our heads down on days that he shows up.”

“It hasn’t always been that way.”

“No,” Carisi agreed. “He was never her favorite person, but it’s gotten worse since…”

Barba turned as the sentence trailed off, green eyes darkening as Carisi awkwardly looked toward his desk. He sighed, “Since Dodds was killed.”

“Yeah.”

Barba sucked his lower lip in, swallowing hard. Something didn’t sit well with him, and he started to debate his next move. A slammed door generally meant taking your own life into your hands by knocking, but he couldn’t leave his best friend alone. Knowing how Dodds had treated her in the aftermath of his son’s death, and with rumors flying that he hadn’t managed to cope well since either, he couldn’t just sit back and wonder.

Besides, it probably wasn’t as bad as Carisi was making it out to be. The young detective had always been a bit over-enthusiastic.

Gliding toward the office door, he knocked twice before reaching for the door knob. It wiggled beneath his fingers, but didn’t turn.

“I told you-” Sonny started.

Barba cut him off, knocking again before speaking loudly, “Lieutenant Benson, I need to speak with you.”

He waited with baited breath, realizing she wasn’t going to answer that quickly. Barba sighed, shaking the doorknob again, “Liv, c’mon, it’s me. Open the damn door.”

The sounds of her footsteps approaching the door caused him to step back slightly. He watched as the doorknob turned and she cracked the door open, stepping away to collapse behind her desk again as Barba let himself in, gently closing it behind him, “Aren’t we just a ray of sunshine?”

“What do you need, Barba?” Olivia snapped harshly, turning her attention to her email. She quickly began typing, not looking up as she swallowed hard and blinked back a few tears.

Rafael sighed, dropping himself into the chair Dodds had previously occupied, “I was going to ask if you wanted to make a coffee run?”

“No time,” she answered complacently. “Do you need something from me or the squad? Otherwise, you can see yourself out.”

Arms crossed over his chest, Barba shook his head, leaning back in the chair, “Would you just look at me?”

Olivia continued typing, though he could tell she was quickly losing focus. The rhythmic tapping of the keys slowed as she felt the weight of the afternoon wearing on her, chin falling to her chest before she turned in her chair, finally letting their eyes meet. “Okay,” she murmured. “I’m looking.”

Barba’s lips forced the tiniest of grins as he swallowed hard, “Are you okay?”

“Aside from the fact that I’m on probation for Dodds and my professional life has been falling apart this year? Yeah, I’m just peachy.”

“Probation? For what?”

“I have too many open cases with the squad, I can’t prove that I’ve been using my time effectively, and I regularly allow my subordinates to enter into unnecessary dangerous situations, apparently,” Olivia sighed. “Oh, and I let Chief Dodds’ son die on my watch.”

Barba watched her carefully, noticing how each negative caused her to shrink a little further into her chair, trying to hide from the prying eyes of the outside world. Before he could answer her, though, Olivia started rambling again.

“And, you know, maybe he’s right? I do worry about home more now that I have Noah, and sometimes I do spend more time chatting with you or Fin than working. I’m not the commander Cragen expected me to be. Maybe Tucker was right,” she mused. “Maybe retirement is the logical net step.”

“Stop that,” Barba insisted.

Olivia rolled her eyes, “What? Trying to make life make sense? Trying to keep people safe? Trying to pretend that I’m not responsible for Mike’s death?”

“We’ve gone over this. You’re not.”

“Then who is?”

“Munson,” Barba hissed. “And only Munson. You have too many people counting on you, Liv. A squad that needs you. You’re the glue. You’re the one who keeps them on the right path, and you’ve got scared victims who will need you there every step of the way. Hell, I need you here. I don’t know that I’d want to do this job without you riding my ass.”

“Don’t,” Olivia countered, her head shaking slightly. “Don’t try to convince me that I can do this.”

“You can,” Barba continued, ignoring her pleas. He shifted his weight, leaning forward in the chair with his elbows resting on his knees. “I can’t tell you the number of times you’ve saved my case. I don’t want to work with anyone else. Your squad doesn’t want anyone else. Dodds is still grieving. He never dealt with it properly.”

“But it’s on me.”

“He needs someone to blame and you’re the scapegoat. But you don’t deserve probation, and I’m going to take care of that.”

Olivia’s eyes snapped up as Barba stood, reaching for his briefcase. Her hands gripped the armrests of her chair tightly, knuckles turning white, “You can’t. Please let me handle this.”

Barba sighed, turning back to face her, “You’ve got people on your side, Liv. When are you going to realize that?”

Olivia swallowed hard, pursing her lips before nodding slowly in resignation. Her unspoken gratitude hung in the air for several minutes before he left her office, phone already in his hands to call in a favor or two. He ignored Carisi’s sendoff, causing the detective to frown before Amanda could distract him with a trip to visit an eyewitness on the latest case.

Watching her squad set to work, she forced herself to remember Barba’s words.

You’ve got people on your side.

---

It took everything in her to leave her office and return home to her son, but Olivia Benson managed to clock out before six o’clock in the evening. Noah was curled up on her lap, reading his favorite picture book together.

Olivia ran a hand over his hair before reaching forward to pick up her buzzing cell phone. She let out a low breath as she recognized the number. She swallowed hard, addressing the Chief of Police easily, “Benson.”

Noah reached for her phone and giggled as she pushed his hand away. She carefully slid her son to the couch before standing up, walking across the room. She needed to breathe, to focus. If Dodds had his way, this was the end. This was the offer to put in for retirement and bow out gracefully, no one having to know that the only other option was being forced out.

And part of her still believed she deserved it.

“Lieutenant, I hear you had a bit of an issue today. Probation?”

“Sir, I’d be more than willing to come into your office tomorrow to discuss the consequences.”

“Jumping ahead of ourselves, don’t you think?” He asked, a gentle chuckle following his words. Olivia leaned against her dining room table, eyes trained on Noah as he retrieved the cup of juice from the table and popped the straw into his little mouth. “I am aware that you’ve been having a rough year. I was looking through your jacket-“

“I can explain,” she began.

“Let me finish,” he offered gracefully. “I’ve had a conversation with Deputy Chief Dodds. He and I are going to sit down, but I believe some of the accusations being made against you are somewhat biased, which is understandable given the year he has had, but completely unprofessional as well. I will be in touch with you, but you can assume your personnel file will be cleaned up considerably.”

“How did you find out about this?”

“You have people who very much want you doing your job, Benson. I happen to be one of them, but others in high places are looking out for you and your squad’s well-being.”

“Thank you, sir,” she murmured, offering a quiet farewell and hanging up the phone.

She paused for a second, letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, before fashioning a text message beneath her finger tips.

You went to the Chief of Police?

Her eyes closed as the iPhone buzzed beneath her fingertips, Barba’s name flashing on the screen.

I told you. You’ve got people on your side.

Olivia scoffed, shaking her head.

Thank you.

She made her way over to the couch, scooping Noah into her arms with a lightness in her chest that hadn’t existed fifteen minutes before.

Her phone buzzed again and she glanced at the newest message, knowing she would be forever grateful for the friend who would always have her back.

Coffee. Before court tomorrow. Sleep well.

She hammered out a quick You, too, before breathing a sigh of relief. Allowing herself to have people was one of the best things to happen to Olivia, and nothing could ever take that away.