#it's just a language and sometimes tbh i am disappointed because i expected more from them...

[justkpopstuffinmyhead]

Now that my friends who listen to Fall out boy enjoy the remix, they are out of things to say against "my music"

Fuck yeah

[chosonore]

cynosure

cynosure [noun. one that serves to direct or guide; a center of attraction or attention]

pairing: sukuna/f!reader

summary: in which sukuna re-discovers being human one aspect at a time, through many lifetimes, at the price of losing you over and over.

wordcount: 8.7k

content/warnings: reincarnation au, slow burn but also not really because there's only hints of romance? language, it's not canon at all, just pretend sukuna was never sealed away, lowercase is intended

a/n: this is more self-indulgent tbh sukuna is probably uncharacteristically soft? sometimes i'm reminded of the fact that he used to be human and while we don't exactly know how he became a curse just yet, i kinda felt sad about it lol i'm too sympathetic with everything, it's gonna kill me one day fhuierhfa a lot of these moments are based on my own experiences, where i had to remind myself that even the small things in life are really good and important, especially during the pandemic. that being said, i hope you enjoy and stay safe everyone :) (and please don’t judge me too hard on this lol i haven’t written in like what. six years?)

001.

“oh,” you stared at the tall, pink-haired man in front of you. “i didn’t think anyone would be here around this time…” he stared back at you, not replying nor making any move to scoot over so that you could sit on your bench. it was only then that you noticed the black markings framing his face and adorning his wrists. you were a little dumbfounded - your mother had always said that you had a poor survival instinct. though you supposed that his pink hair eased your nerves a little; surely someone with pink hair couldn’t be as evil. but you couldn’t recall ever seeing someone like this around the proximity of your village. maybe he was a vagrant. 

“i don’t mean to be rude but… that’s my bench and i would appreciate if you could maybe… scooch over?” you asked gingerly, not wanting to upset the stranger. you approached him slowly, grasping your basket tightly. if he got a little rowdy, maybe you could just wack him with the basket, right? although it probably won’t hurt but it surely would stun him long enough for you to run.

“i don’t see why i should move just because it’s your bench,” the stranger answered gruffly, crossing his arms. were you naive or just stupid? “do you not know who you’re talking to, woman?” 

you cocked your head to the side, not sure what he meant. maybe he was one of those famous poets or musicians that your parents liked to talk about. you weren’t entirely sure. even though he sounded annoyed, the look in his eyes didn’t quite match the hostility - he looked rather bored, unamused even, but not hostile. maybe you could humour him a little. “am- am i supposed to know you? i’ve never been outside of the village so i don’t know much. only what the merchants tell me. i apologize if i’ve offended you,” you explained hastily, then pointing at your basket. “i just came here to enjoy the sunrise. um, today is my birthday, so i treated myself to some dessert!”

“if- if you scooch over a litte, i could share some with you…” you tried to bargain with him. now you were truly starting to sound desperate but this was your favourite spot and it was the first time in a while that you had a free day to relax. out of all days, just why did he have to be here now? you’d be damned if you let your day get ruined by this unfriendly stranger. 

“are you trying to bribe me?” the stranger narrowed his eyes at you and you thought this was it. he was going to kill you and bury your body in the forest and your parents would come look for you, only to find your empty basket and then start a huge search party to find you and- the pink haired man moved to the side, refusing to look you in the eyes. “sit.”

you let out a squeak in glee, quickly taking a seat beside him. he watched in silence as you unwrap your desserts, glancing at the objects in question. even though you’d offered to share with him, he didn’t actually expect you to give him some of your food. sukuna was surprised when you handed him a… round squishy thing? 

“what is that? how is that going to satiate me?” he asked, almost offended, which made you giggle. you didn’t reply, instead thrusting the mochi towards him until he begrudgingly took it, closely inspecting it in suspicion. 

“that’s a daifuku mochi. it’s made out of rice flour and filled with red bean paste. but come to think of it… do you even like sweets? i’m sorry if you don’t particularly enjoy it,” you explained and grabbed one as well. you were about to bite into your mochi when you saw the stranger opening his mouth, ready to devour the entire mochi in one go. in horror, you quickly grabbed his wrist to stop him, only to have him suddenly pin you down and tower over you.

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry!” you hastily said, now suddenly aware of the dark, threatening aura that he was emitting. maybe he was a killer after all. “i just didn’t want you to eat it in one go! they’re kind of difficult to eat in one go… plus you’re supposed to savour and enjoy it, take your time eating it!” 

sukuna stared at the girl in disbelief, you’d grabbed him out of nowhere just to stop him from eating too fast? not only were you not aware of who he was, you apparently did not know how to be cautious around strangers. it irked him that you were acting like he was a harmless human being. so much so that he briefly contemplated killing you. “who are you to tell me how to eat?” he growled at you, not softening his grip. he saw the panic and fear in your eyes but for some reason, he couldn’t quite put a finger on it, it didn’t fill him with joy as it usually did.

“i’m just telling you how we usually eat mochi!” you harrumphed, now annoyed that he was acting like you just committed murder. “you didn’t know what these were, so i was just trying to explain! food is supposed to be enjoyed, not ravished all at once. you have to appreciate your food because there might be days where you won’t have any. and besides, enjoying and properly tasting your meal is the least you can do to show gratitude to the person who cooked it for you.” sukuna let up and sat back on his previous spot, seemingly accepting your answer. you sat up, adjusting your yukata and pouted at him. what a rude stranger! you at least expected an apology from him but seeing that he was already taking a bite from his mochi, you guessed you should just let it go. it wasn’t worth getting angry over anyways, not on this day.

“why are you looking at me like that, little girl?” sukuna questioned, taking another bite from his mochi. he did actually enjoy it and it took every bone in his body not to hastily eat more and to savour it like you’d told him to. maybe this wasn’t so bad after all, it made him think about his meals a little more. not eating for the sake of eating, but for enjoyment, he mused. sort of like living for enjoyment, not for the sake of living. 

“you never told me your name,” the girl replied innocently. sukuna sighed. so you really weren’t aware of who he was. “my name is y/n! now it’s only fair if you tell me, especially because i shared my food with you. please?”

before sukuna could reply, he sensed someone quickly approaching. they were hiding somewhere in the forest; it likely was a jujutsu sorcerer, trying to exorcise him. he could deal with them later, but not here, not with you around. the girl looked at him in disappointment when he abruptly stood up, turning towards the forest behind them. unfortunately, he had the inkling that you wouldn’t let it go until he answered: “my name is sukuna, king of curses.” your eyes widened in recognition but you didn’t immediately react or scramble away from him, most likely frozen in fear. 

“now go. someone is coming and you do not want to be in the crossfire.”

002.

as a seamstress, you’ve encountered all kinds of customers. ranging from rude and bratty to eternally grateful, you’ve seen it all. your supervisor had always told you to remain calm and polite, to just adhere to their wishes to not cause any ruckus. after all, people of status often assumed that they were untouchable and could treat others poorly. it wasn’t worth the hassle to start a fight with them, you could lose your job after all. there was moments you’d have to stand up for yourself but this wasn’t it. fortunately, your employer paid you well, enough for you to provide for your family. the customers were high-profile after all.

you looked at the clock on the wall, your next customer was supposed to come soon. it was a nobleman that apparently travelled here from far away, having heard that the store offered beautiful, one of a kind fabrics. you just hope that he wasn’t rude and that you could leave in time. you’d been working overtime for weeks now, taking every appointment and customer that you could get. your mother’s birthday was approaching and you’d been saving up to buy some of the soft and silky fabrics to sew her a new yukata. your mother had always sacrificed her own comfort to buy the best items she could afford for your siblings and you and now that you were older, you could finally treat her to something nice as well. your employer was even willing to give you a small discount and you gratefully took up on her offer.

the chime of the doorbell made you look up, the good feeling in your stomach slowly fading when you saw who entered. you were familiar with the customer after all; he was well known in the area, being a rather volatile and sometimes scary aristocrat who had the reputation to be particularly difficult and having outrageous demands. you hastily stood up, brushing the wrinkles out of your clothing and walking over to greet him. you bowed politely, taking the outerwear that he took off and placing it on a nearby armchair. “sir, i’ll bring you a few samples shortly. do you have any colour or pattern preferences?” you asked him, placing a pot of tea and a cup on the small side table for him to enjoy. you made note of his wishes and disappeared in the storage room to pick up the samples. the customer had made himself at home, eyeing you scrutinizingly. he made you queasy, looking so incredibly unfriendly and you could tell that you were not going home early tonight.

you showed each of the fabrics to him, explaining what materials they were made of and what occasions they were good for but with each explanation, he just looks more and more uninterested. not to mention the snarky remarks he made, seemingly not happy of the choices you presented him. you were running out of options and you didn’t know what else to do to please him when suddenly you heard someone enter the shop. both the customer and you looked over confused - you weren’t expecting any more customers today, it was already late after all. a tall, pink-haired man entered the shop, scowling at your customer. you jumped slightly; he looked scary and you were terrified, not sure what to do in this situation. not only were the black markings on his face and body terrifying, there was also a threatening aura surrounding him, dark and slowly spreading out, all your instincts were screaming at you to run. should you politely ask him to leave? he looked like he wouldn’t take it too well. before you could ask him whether he was looking for something, the stranger spoke up: “you know who i am, leave.”

your eyes widened, slowly inching back towards the back of the store. you were not aware of who this man was but by the looks of your pale-faced customer, he surely did. “this is outrageous!” he exclaimed indignantly, jumping out of his seat. “you can’t just burst in here and demand that i leave! i have an appointment! are you aware of how long the waiting list is? this is the finest shop in the entire prefecture and i would rather die than to give up my spot for a scoundrel like you.” the stranger raised his eyebrows at the shorter man, clicking his tongue in annoyance. you slowly reached out to grab your pair of scissors. they probably weren’t of much use but it made you feel more safe, knowing you could at least somehow defend yourself.

“oh? you would rather die? i’m sure that can be arranged,” the stranger threatened and it was with horror that you watched his fingernails, sharp and pointy, grow in size. he wasn’t human, you’d just encountered a monster. he would kill you and it wouldn’t take him much effort to do so, you were sure he could just stab you with those fingernails. your customer squeaked and left the store in panic, slamming the door in the process, while you quickly hid behind the counter. you hoped he would leave you alone, you didn’t want to get involved. this wasn’t your problem, you were innocent and it was an unfortunate coincidence for you to be here. 

“stop hiding,” the stranger commanded, slowly approaching the counter. you peeked from below the counter, holding your breath. what else could he possibly want from you? demons surely didn’t need money. oh god, was he going to kidnap you?

he swiftly rounded the corner and knelt down to take a closer look at you - you couldn’t react fast enough, he’d already grabbed your chin and made you look at him, turning your head from side to side as he examined you. his fingernails were slightly digging into your skin, making your face scrunch up in discomfort. “so it is you,” he exclaimed in a low voice, then abruptly standing back up. you were confused - what did he mean by that? at least he didn’t kill you, at least not yet. but what else could he possibly want from you? “i need a new kimono. that scumbag just left anyways, make one for me instead.”

a kimono? a simple kimono? you couldn’t believe what you just heard. this demon just came in here, threw a fit but all he wanted was a simple kimono? you couldn’t help but scoff at the situation though it probably was difficult to enter a store without people fleeing or refusing to serve him. while he did look human, the markings on his face made it difficult not to feel threatened. but why did he know you? you had never seen this man in your life before. not in passing, not on drawings, nowhere. no matter how hard you wracked your brain, you just couldn’t recall. “d- do you have any- any colour preference?” you questioned him, watching how he took a seat and grabbed himself the cup of tea. 

“white,” he answered curtly, taking a sip from the tea. “i’ll leave everything else up to you.”

you felt uncomfortable but there was nothing else you could do than follow his orders. you grabbed a few plain white fabric samples and slowly inched over to him, holding them out with your trembling hands. “what?” he deadpanned. you huffed in frustration. 

“sir, you should… you should choose the fabric. it’s your kimono after all, you might not like the feeling of the fabric or it might not be a good fit for your everyday life,” you explained.

“i don’t care, just choose whatever. i’m above the comfort you stupid mortals choose.”

“that’s stupid,” the words left your mouth quicker than you could stop yourself and you slapped your hands over your mouth. the stranger looked at you as equally shocked. “i mean- i mean there’s nothing wrong with indulging in comfortable clothes!” you explained quickly, pressing the samples into his hands. “see you wouldn’t like scratchy clothes, right? or fabric that quickly makes you sweat or feel too warm! i always talk to my customers about what kinds of fabrics they would prefer… i believe life is too short to wear ill-fitting clothes or ones that don’t feel comfortable! good clothing should make you feel like… like a warm hug.”

the stranger didn’t look like he understood what you meant, making you scoff again. some people really didn’t care about what they wore and how they looked like and it just bothered you. good quality fabrics and well tailored clothing could make you feel confident and safe, even in the worst situations. how could you possibly relax if your clothing was maybe scratchy or ill-fitting? “i’ll prove it to you!” you exclaimed and left the room to gather your supplies, then coming back to instruct him where and how to stand so you could take his measurements. now that he was towering over you, you were suddenly very aware of how tall and broad he was. you felt like a dwarf next to him. up close, you noticed more details about him. he was attractive, you couldn’t deny that - the long wispy eyelashes, the watchful ruby eyes and his soft-looking pink hair. if he picked up on your staring, he didn’t comment on it.

once you were done taking notes and choosing fabrics, you gave him a slip of paper, noting down time and date for him to come back to pick the kimono up. “as for payment-” you started but the stranger dropped a huge bag of coins on the counter. you gasped, pushing the bag back into his arms. “sir, that’s too much! i’ll calculate the exact price for you but-” 

“take it,” he insisted and pushed it back towards you. “i have enough. you need the money right? see it as a generous tip.” your face flushed, you didn’t even know what to say and instead only profusely thanked him. it was so much money, the tip was enough to cover your family’s expenses for a year.

when sukuna picked up his kimono weeks later, he still didn’t understand what a hassle you made about the choice of fabrics and why you were so diligent in taking the measurements. he was fine with everything as long as he had something to wear in the first place. he didn’t care, he wasn’t a measly human that whined about the mildest inconvenience. in the private of his abode, he tried the kimono on, abruptly halting his movements as soon as the fabric touched his skin. so the girl was right, the fabric did feel incredibly good on his skin. it was very smooth and silky, a little cool on his skin. very lightweight but not flimsy. the kimono wasn’t too short and fit his tall statue well, you really did a good job he supposed. he glanced at himself in the mirror. it did look good on him, even the matching colours and patterns were chosen well. you really were a good seamstress, no wonder everyone was flocking to the store.

now that sukuna wore the kimono, he suddenly didn’t want to take it off. it was comfortable and soft, reminding him of you.

003.

your favourite spot was one below a tree, on top of a hill where you could see everything. the small city below, the horizon, the stars in the sky. you often came here when you felt like your life came crashing down your shoulders. it didn’t feel like your own anymore, not with your future already laid out for you without you being able to control it. complaining had always felt redundant and ungrateful to you - you had everything you needed, a loving family, food on the table and your family was wealthy enough to not have to worry about money. but in return, they expected everything from you, their eldest daughter. sometimes, the pressure was too much for you but they expected you to do as they say. everything was well until they announced that you were to get married and they’d found a suitor for you. you couldn’t even protest, the decision had already been made behind your back and you couldn’t refuse. you sniffled quietly, wrapping the blanket tighter around you. you didn’t know this man; he might be a complete asshole and not treat you well at all.

the wind was biting at your skin, cold and unrelenting, and yet you felt safe here, away from all your worries. the starry sky made you feel like your worries were miniscule, reminding you that there was so much more out there for you to discover. you’d always liked the sight of stars, they always made you happy. on lucky days, you’d even get to see a few shooting stars. you’d close your eyes and clasp your hands, hopeful that whatever wish you made would come true. the crunch of leaves and twigs made you look up in alarm, scared that your parents had found out you left the estate and now found your secret hiding spot. you couldn’t quite make out the figure in the darkness, only being able to tell that a tall person was approaching you.

you were wary, inching towards the tree behind you to hide but froze when a voice rang out: “i know you’re there. i was looking for you all over the city, little one.” a man clad in a kimono was coming closer, stopping right in front of you and looking at you in disdain. your eyes lit up as you recognized him; you’d met sukuna a couple of times in the city before, mostly when you went to pick up some books to read. he’d been there one time when you were choosing your books and scoffed at your choice. you’d ask him about it, wondering why he thought that your choice was a bad one. he went on and on about how historically inaccurate the book was and that the information about curses was wrong and how an author like that should be ashamed to even publish it. you appreciated the dialogue, you liked having someone to discuss with you. your parents didn’t like that you read fantasy books and books that talked about supernatural events and beings, dubbing them as nonsense and that you should focus on your studies instead.

after your third meeting, sukuna had finally opened up and told you his name. your meetings became more frequent then but you’d never met anywhere other than the bookstore. you were surprised that he even found you here; you decided not to question him though, sukuna always seemed to know where you were, always sensing where you were headed. truthfully, you looked forward to spending time with him. he was attentive and always listened to you, barely ever talking. oddly enough, it made you feel like finally, someone was paying attention to your thoughts and needs. lately, a heavy feeling in your chest was always accompanying you when you met up with him. it was a dull ache, some kind of yearning that you couldn’t quite put a finger on. it didn’t help that you felt like you’d met him before, but you really couldn’t recall where you had met him before. “what are you doing here?” you questioned him, scooting to the side to offer him some space on the picnic blanket.

unceremoniously, he sat down and glanced over to you. he didn’t reply, simply shrugging. “why didn’t you bring a coat?” you asked another question instead, frowning at his choice of clothing. aside from his kimono, he wasn’t wearing anything else. “you’ll catch a cold!” you scolded him, swatting his arm before tugging on his sleeve and signalling him to move closer to you so you could wrap the blanket around his shoulders. you struggled a little to reach him, almost stumbling - sukuna’s arm immediately shot out to hold you so you wouldn’t fall. your cheeks flushed red and you were thankful that it was dark. you cleared your throat and sat back down, snuggling into the blanket and his side. 

“by the way, i read that book you disliked the other day,” you told him, rambling about the contents of the book and what you thought of it, all while sukuna simply listened to you. he only spoke up when he challenged your way of thinking or to agree, otherwise staying silent and just watching you.

suddenly you grasped his hand in excitement, pointing at the sky. “oh, oh! look!!” sukuna’s gaze followed the direction you pointed to, spotting some shooting stars flitting across the sky. “you have to wish for something!” you squeezed his hand and nudged him, then squeezing your eyes shut to prepare yourself to wish. 

“what would i even wish for?” sukuna frowned and pinched your cheek. “what do you wish for?”

“you’re not supposed to share wishes! if you do, they won’t come true,” you argued back and stuck your tongue out at him. sometimes, he really was too skeptical, never indulging in harmless fun. it might be childish to believe in these things but sometimes that little spark of hope was all you need to wait for better things. you sighed when the shooting stars disappeared and let go of his hand, screaming internally. did you really grab his hand like that? you sure hoped you didn’t unsettle him. 

“i don’t think i told you, but my parents have found a suitor for me,” you confided in him quietly, staring at the grass near your feet. “i’m supposed to marry him next year but… i don’t want to, i don’t know this person and i just want to live my life with no one controlling it.”

“i see. there’s still time to get to know him, isn’t there?” you knew sukuna was trying to console you but it wasn’t exactly working. your words frustrated you a little; subconsciously, you’d hoped that he shared the same opinion and maybe, just maybe, help you do something reckless. 

“i don’t want to get to know him,” you huffed and crossed your arms (sukuna thought you looked like a petulant child). “i… i already like someone.”

“you do?” sukuna looked at you surprised and that was the first time that he’d shown any other emotion than indifference. you nodded shyly, hoping that maybe he’d get the hint. you weren’t confident just yet to confess to him but maybe he’d get it from your description alone? 

“i recently met him and i really like that he makes me feel like, you know, important and always pays attention to me. he doesn’t talk a lot but i think that that’s okay, we still have a silent mutual understanding, i guess. and i also think he looks really handsome! although i-”

sukuna had enough of your rambling, he felt annoyed that you were telling him about your stupid crush. whatever boy you had a crush on, they would never amount to the likes of him. why would you look at someone else when he was right there? right here, with you. sukuna reached over and grabbed your cheeks to make you look at him before pressing his lips on yours. you froze for a short moment before returning the kiss, holding onto his kimono when he wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you closer. why would you pay attention to someone else when he could be with you? for the first time in his existence as a curse, he briefly felt human again. maybe shooting stars were the key to wishes coming true after all; in this moment he wouldn’t mind being human again, being alone with her with only the stars as your witnesses.

004.

gradually you were really starting to dislike your night shifts. usually, you’d ask to cover them because it was quiet, there were no nosy customers and the only people that ever came in so late were sleep deprived students that pulled all nighters to write papers or study. well it used to be that way until a group of, presumably, freshmen started coming more and more frequently - they wouldn’t have been so annoying if it wasn’t for them talking and laughing obnoxiously loud. they would stay until late in the night and kept ordering drinks. the audacity to have oddly specific orders, to watch you like a hawk while you were preparing their drinks, it made your blood boil. to top it all off, one of the guys kept flirting with you, even when you’d already made it obvious that you were not interested at all. no matter how uninterested and abrasive you acted, the guy would not leave you alone and his friends would try to act as wingmen. clueless and horrible wingmen.

you were glad that you were never alone during your night shifts, depending on the weekday you’d work in a team of two or threes. whenever they could, they’d cover for you and you were thankful but also felt bad, which usually resulted in you taking over anyways. you placed the basket on the counter, grabbing a towel to dry the cups you’d just washed. the chime of the doorbell made you look up, your heartbeat speeding up at the sight of sukuna coming in. like the group of freshmen, sukuna had recently started to visit the café more and more. he usually only came late at night and he probably was your favourite regular. scratch that, he was your favourite, no one was as calm as him and he never caused trouble. yeah, maybe those night shifts weren’t all that bad, you thought to yourself. you looked forward to him visiting every time you had a night shift.

“hi sukuna,” you greeted him softly and gave him a smile, placing the cup on a shelf. “the usual?” he took a seat near the bar, placing his wallet on the counter and taking off his coat. sukuna was peculiar, not particularly in a bad way. you always thought that he was a little mysterious. he always wore the same kimono - who wears kimonos everyday in this day and age anyways - the same white kimono but maybe he just owned mulitple of them. you could never tell what he was thinking and he had never shown any emotions other than brief moments of bliss when he was having his usual order. his order had always and would probably always be a simple black coffee and some daifuku mochi. it was a weird combo, you mused, but somehow fit him. it was a sharp contrast, just like his tattoos and the soft pink hair. you finished up the order, pushing the cup of coffee and the plated mochi towards him - you’d sneaked another one in just for him, knowing how much he seemed to like them. sukuna looked up at you, ready to protest but you just brushed it off, telling him that it was okay.

out of the corner of your eye you saw your not so secret admirer approaching with an empty cup and you instantly knew you were bound to be annoyed again. you sighed, returning to the cash register to take his order. “so, when am i finally going to get to take you out?” the guy asked, leaning on the counter to get closer to you. you gritted your teeth, ignoring his question and instead took the empty cup, placing it in the kitchen sink behind you. 

“oh come on, don’t ignore me, baby,” he whined, not letting up until you answered. you were annoyed, so so annoyed. your co-workers were currently organizing the inventory so you were all by yourself - usually that would be fine but you’d had enough. this week has already been awful and you just wanted to be left alone. you glanced around, spotting sukuna on the side. suddenly a lightbulb went on in your head and you faced your admirer confidently. 

“i’m sorry but please stop flirting with me and trying to ask me out,” you started and pointed to sukuna who was innocently taking a bite from his mochi. “i already have a boyfriend and i don’t think he appreciates you cornering me like this. you being this persistent is really annoying, girls don’t like that.”

upon hearing his name, sukuna looked up and as if on cue, he glared at your admirer. “yeah, i suggest you fuck off. get a hint, you creep, she’s mine,” he snarled, making a move towards the other guy who was already scrambling to get away and profusely apologizing. mine, mine, mine. his words kept repeating in your head, your heart squeezing painfully. was he interested in you? would he ever come to see you more than just a barista? you sighed in both relief and affliction, trudging over to sukuna. 

“i’m sorry i dragged you into this,” you apologized embarrassed, shoulders drooping and you stared at the floor just so he wouldn’t see your reddened cheeks. “he’s been pestering me so much and i kind of thought that that was the only way to get him to back off.”

“i don’t mind,” sukuna replied curtly, resuming his seat. he didn’t say anything else and you slightly panicked, you wanted to keep talking to him, stay in his company for a little longer. 

“ah uhm sukuna, i want to thank you! if… if you don’t mind, i would like to treat you to another drink?” you suggested, your face now beet red. this was the most straightforward you had ever been with a guy, usually too shy to make a move. in distance you could hear the chime of the doorbell and the doors slamming, indicating that the group had left. you were alone. sukuna didn’t reply at first and you were sure you’d fucked up and got ready to backtrack and laugh it off when he nodded. 

“go ahead, little one,” he nodded towards the counter. “you choose the drink.”

you didn’t know why sukuna kept calling you little one but for some reason, you didn’t mind. it did however make your heart ache in what you could only describe as melancholy. you weren’t sure why. while you started brewing some green tea for the two of you, the sound of thunder rumbled in the distance. the pitter patter of raindrops against the glass front was the only sound audible in the entire café. sukuna hadn’t uttered another word, not even making a sound of acknowledgement when you handed him the cup of tea and sat next to him. 

“you didn’t bring an umbrella,” you noted, looking out of the window. it was raining heavily, with no signs of it stopping anytime soon. “i guess you’ll have to stay here for a little longer, otherwise you’ll get sick. i hope you aren’t sick of me though.”

sukuna took a sip of his tea. “i don’t mind your company,” he replied, looking at you. you couldn’t tell what he was thinking but you sincerely hoped he wasn’t joking. hearing that gave you a little hope. 

“i like moments like this,” you confessed to him, clutching the warm cup with your sweater paws. “having a warm cup of tea and watching the rain from the comfort of your home. or in this case, a café. the sound of rain is really calming, isn’t it? makes you forget about all your worries for a while, it’s just you and your cup of tea.”

again, sukuna didn’t reply for a while. you thought you’d bored him to death with your monologue until he spoke up: “i don’t see how it’s any different from having a cup at any time of the day.” your cup was placed back on the counter. you frowned, not sure how to explain it to him. in moments like these, sukuna seemed to be something of an old being that has seen everything, feelings now dull and locked away. 

“well, see it like this. making yourself a cup of tea or coffee everyday is a normal thing to do, right? it happens almost automatically because it’s just part of your daily routine, you like how it tastes, it makes you feel more awake or helps you sleep. but… but you never really take your time to enjoy it, right?”

sukuna was contemplating, you almost giggled at the little frown on his face. but you were glad that he was willing to listen to you and discuss it with you, instead of dismissing the topic entirely. “but what does that have to do with rain?” he finally asked. 

you pointed outside. “you wouldn’t really go out in this weather, right? not if you have any emergencies or urgent matters to attend to. and same goes for everyone else; it kind of… kind of forces you to stay inside, to fully enjoy your warm beverage. the sound of rain is pretty calming, it’s some kind of whitenoise that might block out intrusive thoughts, at least it does that for me. so it’s only you, the sound of rain and your cup of tea. for a few minutes, you can just relax and have a moment for yourself.”

sukuna still didn’t quite understand how humans worked. it’s been hundreds of years since he’s ceased to be human, he’s forgotten what is what like being human. what human emotions entailed. but he agreed, it has been a while since he’s felt at ease and peaceful even. it was a moment of bliss, a moment that caused a flare-up of old, buried feelings inside of him.

004.1

you still hadn’t mustered up the courage to actually ask sukuna out after you dragged him into that fake dating-situation. he did still come late at night, being the most loyal customer of the café at this point. it was almost… almost as if he’d seeked out your company. though he did tell you that he didn’t mind your company; your ego deflated a little. sukuna still wore his kimono but paired it with a thick winter coat - it was winter after all and the weather had been very extreme. the ground was covered in inches of snow and you hadn’t seen the sun in weeks. sukuna insisted on walking you home when your shift ended. you weren’t sure why because he’d never offered to do so before. you were thankful though since it was still snowing and the streets were completely empty; even though the snow looked beautiful, it was still a little eerie to walk home in this weather. especially since a lot of busses weren’t running anymore due blocked roads.

“sukuna, aren’t you cold?” you asked as you switched off the lights and fumbled with your keys. finally finding the right one, you closed up, shoving the keys back in your back and fishing out your gloves. “you don’t even wear gloves!” you gasped when you saw his bare hands, handing him one of yours. sukuna looked at you as if you were crazy.

he wasn’t cold but he couldn’t tell you that, couldn’t let you know that he was a curse. but handing him one of you gloves? you were too nice, always thinking of others first and never being selfish. sighing, he put on the glove that was uncomfortably small but he’d endure it for your sake.

“it’s been a while since we’ve had this much snow,” you mused and took a few steps around, giggling at the sound of crunching snow beneath your feet. sukuna simply followed you, looking comical with the bright yellow and tiny glove on his hand. you smiled at him, admiring how etheral he looked underneath the streetlights with the snowflakes flurrying around him and some getting stuck in his hair. your heart suddenly ached, a far away memory emerging. it was blurry and unclear, a cold night similar as this underneath the stars and a face staring at you. you couldn’t tell who it was nor were you sure whether it was just a case of déjà vu.

“you know, this kind of calls for a snowball fight,” you grinned at sukuna mischievously and grabbed some snow, beginning to form it into a ball. he raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms, looking at you defiantly. 

“i’m not going to indulge in childish business like th-” he didn’t get to finish his sentence as you hurled the snowball at him and giggled like a maniac as it hit his shoulder. you quickly hid behind a bush as you quickly tried to form another, enjoying the dumbfounded look on sukuna’s face. clearly, he didn’t expect you to follow through with your plan and was caught by surprise. “oh you’re on,” he growled after a moment and grabbed himself some snow as well. you quickly threw another snowball at him, this time only being able to hit his leg. eyes widening at the sight of sukuna raising his arm to throw his snowball at you, you let out a squeak and dove behind a tree - the snowball still hit you square on your back, making you yelp at the cold feeling.

for minutes you could only hear the crunches of snow, loud laughter and snowballs hitting objects. you sat on a bench, exhausted from running and ducking away and your belly was starting to hurt from all the laughter. sukuna caught up to you, juggling a snowball in his hands. “you gonna give up?” he asked, a smirk gracing his lips. clearly he was winning, being able to aim a lot better than you. you missed him most of the time but had fun regardless. 

“never!” you replied, holding out your arms to defend yourself from the incoming snowball. it never came and instead sukuna was inching closer with an evil look in his eyes. oh no. what was he up to? you yelped when you realized that he was aiming for your neck, jumping up to get away from him. sukuna was quick to react and grabbed your arm, pulling you back into his chest and holding you close, smushing the snow against your neck. “ew sukuna, stop!” you laughed and squirmed in his arms until he threw the snowball away, rubbing your back gently. 

“that was really cold, you know,” you pouted, burying your face in his chest. 

he wrapped his arms around you, sighing quietly. “i know, i know, sorry.”

you swore that you felt his lips on the crown of your head.

005.

you were, undoubtedly, lost. your phone was about to die and you were stranded in the middle of the city, not sure where to go. to be fair, it was very, very easy to get lost here and it was your first time visiting. your grandparents lived here and while you’ve visited before, you couldn’t quite remember anything anymore. you were a child back then. and the city had drastically changed too, making it difficult for you to navigate yourself around. though your poor sense of direction was probably at fault as well. you sighed, trying to call your grandparents again. no one was picking up. you turned your phone off to save some of the battery, maybe you could call them later.

luckily, you’d brought your cameras so you could at least keep yourself busy until someone freed you from this misery. you walked towards the nearby shrine; there didn’t seem to be any people here, it was very quiet aside from the sound of cicadas. you took a few photos before continuing your journey, soon finding yourself standing on top of the hill. the view from here was breathtaking, even more so because the sun was starting to set, painting the sky in a beautiful yellow and orange hue. you fumbled with your camera again, trying to take a photo when someone suddenly moved into your shot. you paused and looked at the person in front of you who was staring at you as well. considering they were wearing a kimono, you assumed that they must work here. did you make a mistake? maybe you weren’t supposed to take photos and this person came to tell you off.

“i’m sorry!” you said quickly, quickly shoving your camera in your bag. “am i allowed to take photos here?” 

the stranger frowned at you, clearing his voice before replying: “how am i supposed to know? i don’t work here.” 

you groaned, rubbing your face in embarrassment. of course you’d say something wrong, you always did. and now you probably annoyed him too - he looked really annoyed. but since he wasn’t working here and there was no one else around, you guessed you could take photos after all. there was no one to tell you off anyways. however, the stranger was still standing there, looking at you in what seemed like interest. you felt awkward just continuing your endeavors without acknowledging him, so you asked: “do you live here? i’m just visiting, so i’m not very familiar with the city.”

“you could say that,” the stranger simply replied. when he didn’t say anything else, you decided that it probably was okay if you just continued taking photos without acknowledging him. though it did make you queasy, knowing that he was just watching you. didn’t he have anything else to do? a few minutes passed. he sighed and walked over, pointing at your camera. “what are you doing?” you were surprised at how straightforward he was, not expecting to engage in a conversation with you. maybe people in this city were just extra talkative and you’d have to get used to it. your grandparents never told you about this though. 

“ah i’m visiting my grandparents here and i thought i’d document my stay here. so i can look at these photos whenever i want and just have the memories on photo,” you explained and rummaged in your bag to show him the polaroids you took earlier. “i particularly like polaroids because you can’t edit or change them… whatever moment you capture, it’s true to what you saw. there’s no need to make photos beautiful when they hold a special place in your heart and are tied to a specific memory.”

the stranger nodded, pointing to your polaroid camera. “and you take them with this device?” his choice of words startled you a little, he didn’t seem to be familiar with this type of camera which you found odd. everyone knew what these were nowadays, almost everyone owned them. but you didn’t want to judge him or make him feel stupid though, patiently explaining to him how the cameras worked and where he could purchase them. he seemed to be really interested, closely inspecting the camera, turning it around and fumbling with the buttons. only after you finished rambling, you realize how much time had passed - it was almost dark now and your grandparents were probably worried sick. your phone was turned off the entire time and you forgot to call them. 

“excuse me, i really need to call my grandparents!” you looked at him apologetically, leaving him with your photos and camera. normally, you would be very wary; normally, you wouldn’t even show anyone your photos, rather keeping them to yourself because they were your precious memories. but something about him resonated with you, he seemed familiar and yet he didn’t.

you found a spot a few meters away from him calling your grandparents and profusely apologizing to them for not calling sooner. you promised them to wait at a popular and well known spot nearby so they could come to pick you up since it was already getting late, then hung up. to your relief, the stranger was still standing there, watching you intently. “thank you,” you smiled as he handed you your belongings. “my grandparents are picking me up soon, thank you for keeping me company. won’t you be going home soon?” 

suddenly his face expression turned rather… sad? somewhat melancholic and you feared you’d said something wrong until he shook his head. “i have to go somewhere later. let me walk you for a bit, it is dark after all.” you looked at him a little dumbfounded, not expecting him to suggest something like that.

“oh you don’t have to! i’ll totally be fine, i-” “i want to. let’s go,” he interrupted you, already beginning to move. you hastily followed him, clutching your bag in your hands. the entire walk was rather silent, none of you saying a word. it wasn’t a tense and uncomfortable silence though - you very much enjoyed his presence. it made you feel safe too, even though you’d told him earlier that you didn’t mind walking by yourself, it was comforting to know that he was by your side. you were in an unfamiliar city after all. hell you even got lost, so who were you kidding. you wondered who the stranger was, what his story was, what his personality was like. this was a one time meeting though, so you didn’t really have any hope of meeting him again. that was very unlikely.

“okay this is the spot. my grandparents are going to pick me up here, so it’s okay if you go,” you pointed at a café and gave him a reassuring smile. he didn’t look impressed. “o-oh wait, i need to thank you somehow.” you held a finger up to signal him to wait for a bit and fished out a polaroid you’d taken earlier. it was a simple shot, only the temple, bits of the trees and the sunset in the background. but you thought it was appropriate, the two of you had shared this moment after all. 

“here, this is for you. it’s not a lot but i guess… it’s a really nice photo and maybe the start of your collection, if you decide to get a polaroid camera?” he took the photo from you, inspecting it before nodding and thanking you. he looked like he was about to say something else but was interrupted by some bright car lights and the sound of honks.

“ah, i have to go! it was nice meeting you,” you bid farewell to him and waved, running towards the car. sukuna watched your figure retreat, arms dropping to his sides.

006.

it was so cold, so incredibly cold. you really hated disliked these long winters, the sky was constantly dull and grey, the days were short and you hadn’t seen the sun in weeks. it made you feel sluggish and unmotivated, you were just hoping that spring was coming earlier this year. you yearned for sunshine and warmth, to be able to go outside without freezing and just spend more time outside. regardless, you held onto your daily walks because they gave you some peace of mind in your hectic life. you were approaching the last year of your studies and the amount of exams, assignments and your looming thesis were just suffocating you. but soon, soon you were done and could finally take a breather, until then, the only moments of relaxation you’d have were your walks.

despite the cold, there were a lot of people near the park; children who were engaging in snowball fights, elderly who were walking their dogs and some joggers too. your eyes were wandering around, watching all the busy people around. too absorbed in your task, you didn’t notice the man in front of you until you bumped into him. you quickly removed your earbuds and apologized to him, about to continue walking when he suddenly grabbed your arm, holding you back. you were confused, did you maybe accidently hurt him when you bumped into him? you looked him up and down to make sure that he was okay; there really wasn’t anything wrong. he let go of your arm. “is something wrong?” you asked concerned and turned to him. 

“y/n?” 

you froze at the mention of your name. how did he know you?

“who are you? i’ve never met you before.”

in all your past lifetimes, you’d taught him how to be human again, how there was value and joy in even the littlest of things. with each iteration of your existence, sukuna thinks that he’s learned to love you more than the last. when he sees how at ease you are spending time with him, a curse that is feared by everyone, he contemplates confessing to you. but something holds him back, it’s the fear; the fear that you won’t return his feelings. he’s seen you be with someone else, see you fall in love countless of times. he yearns for it to be him, hoping that you do choose him, love him. for thousands of years, he’s spent his time finding you - your reincarnations don’t recognize him and it pains him to get to know you anew each time but nothing pains him as much as his existence. he wants to hold you, be yours, grow old with you.

for the first time in thousands of years, sukuna wishes to be human again.

ps.: i am so sorry if i hurt your heart there omg

[clatterbane]

The junky fast food delivery has landed!

Mr. C actually suggested it this evening, since I had mentioned the craving. So, we put together a Wolt delivery. (Though there's actually a location pretty close to our new place. Nobody really felt like popping over there, especially when we also had a grocery delivery due in the same rough time window.)

I felt a tad silly ordering a Happy Meal for the first time in mumblety decades. But, it's simple and predictable. And with my solid food capacity right now? Avoids some waste.

Right now, they appear to be pushing some animated kids' movie that I hadn't heard of, not really following these things.

Unboxing. 😅

I opted for the basic cheeseburger and fries, with prominently labeled GF bun! Also a few (warm) baby carrots and some evidently default-skim milk, which I just stashed in the fridge to do...something with later.

I'm still very wary of carbonation with my throat, after the bubbles honest-to-God temporarily blocked up the pipe a couple of times before--or I totally would have gotten some diet pop instead. Ah well, another future experiment.

What I requested: the mystery book option, because hey cheesy little Swedish-language kids' book. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ What I actually got:

A mystery toy, which turned out to be Jerry riding a blobby-looking period upright vacuum cleaner. Of the type that you pull back and let zip across a surface. Which I wouldn't have been either surprised or unhappy to get when I was 3.

This particular specimen went like it was supposed to once, then mostly stopped moving forward on its own. You pick it up and the wheels do spin, but it won't always move even giving it a push to get going. But, sometimes it will roll with no push.

Ah well, good thing I wasn't in it for the toy! Less disappointed than the average little kid likely would be.

On to the main attraction, which I only ended up eating half of for this test run. 😅 (And went in pretty nervous about maybe clogging up my throat with the stuff...)

With curry ketchup McNugget sauce and some seasoned salt for the seemingly unsalted fries. Another little sop toward "healthier" menu options? 😒 At least somewhat fixable, though.

By the time the food got here and I had given the mealtime insulin dose at least a few minutes to kick in, I ended up needing to heat it up in the microwave. Not really surprised.

And it tasted... about like you'd expect. 🍔

I ended up having to hope that they gave me the right bun, with no super obvious differences between this one and my 15+ year old memories of their usual food. Any texture differences would have likely been less glaring by the time I had to nuke in it to warm it back up, but again? It was pretty much what I was expecting.

Thankfully, this quarter-assed meal did turn out totally fine with the state of my gullet after the last treatment! At least with lots of careful chewing, and plenty of water to wash it down.

The fry texture felt a little trickier than the burger, but that worked out to be less of an issue than I was afraid, too. Other potato with less fried surface ought to be a great option for now. 😎

This was pretty much a multiple birds splurge tonight, yeah. Hopefully at least some of the weird junky fast food cravings are satisfied for now--and I got a little better idea of what the old swallowing mechanism might be up to handling for the moment. (More than I was really hoping for, tbh! 😃)

More satisfying than the food itself.

Oh yes, and since their ice cream and shake machines were apparently not functioning? 😒 No McFlurry for me tonight!

So, I had to round things out with this instead.

Yep, maybe I am starting to get assimilated. 😁 We did have some other ice cream to choose from, but the salty licorice option actually looked appealing to me.

[redinkofshame]

 1. How many works do you have on AO3?

17! My favorite number.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

178,176. Dang!

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

@theDuckPond Solavellan slow burn? smlungst, 62,553 words

New Life papae!Solas with lots of smut, 6606 words

Marigolds in the Hanged Man Varrigold! :D Varric/Marigold, 43,527 words

(3.5 is Dreaming With You (Solas x Reader), but I’m only a partial writer on that one so I’m not counting it.)

Labor and Loss papae!Solas with lots of sad, 4097 words

Kirkwall Karaoke f!Fenhawke drunken shenanigans, 7023 words

Wow I wasn’t expecting my karaoke fic to be on this list! And you guys really like your papae!Solas :D

4. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do, yes, because when I leave comments it gives me anxiety that only seeing them reply fixes and I want to do that for other people. Unfortunately back when I updated every week (lol) I got in the habit of replying to comments when I posted something new... So now when I go a long time without posting a new chapter I leave the comments on read for a long time. Sorry guys!!

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Honestly? This Nonsense. (Link is to a long series of messages to @keturagh at 3am, no joke.) 

But, since then, I’ve figured out an alternative ending that’s much happier. I can’t help it. I want happy endings.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

As per #5, all of them lol. The first one that came to mind was Marigolds, but honestly my soulmate au Vhenaslin feels the fluffiest to me. 

And, of course, there’s this one ;) 

7. Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I haven’t, not yet :( Like, I like the concept but no combination I’ve thought of has given me even the slightest bit of inspiration.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yep! I received one that was something like “Congrats! You’ve written the most insufferable OC I’ve ever read!!” and it was fucking hilarious because it was on, like, chapter 6? You read 6 chapters about a character you didn’t like and somehow it’s my fault?? lmao

There was another one I can’t remember, too, and twice people have called Elle a bitch. All of these happened to Elle from Duck Pond, so if that’s not a glowing recommendation~

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

ROFL yeah that’s why I’m here. Like literally why I joined the fandom. 

Everyone I’ve written is m/f and not particularly kinky but pretty damn explicit. Sometimes I do fade-to-black or gloss over for pacing, but mostly... Yeah. There’s smut. let Solas nut

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. Sure af hope not.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope. At least, not that I know of!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! There was a Solas x Reader post on tumblr that people were reblogging and adding a little more too, and I guess that the foreplay went on too long because @keturagh sent it to me like ‘you’re the expert of getting the P in the V!’ and I’ve never written Reader fic before (or since) but who am I to disappoint!! 

Then someone compiled it all and put it on AO3 here. I don’t have a damn clue where my writing begins -- other than I got the P in the V lol. Every once in a while I get a notification of a comment or kudos on it and  every SINGLE time I’m like

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Very clearly Solavellan. Though I’m also very into Opal/Nik from the Minimum Wage Magic books by Rachel Aaron. I listened to the audiobook because Patrick Weekes shared their reading list on twitter once and it was on there and I’m a HUGE sucker for juxtaposition. Gets me every time. 

I’ve since read uuuhhhh almost everything Rachel Aaron/Bachs has read, and there’s lots of great stuff in there, but MWM is still my favorite series of hers by far. My own personal Couch AU. 

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Uuhhhh.... So many? Or more like I’m scared I never will, in any case. I started drafting a list of my WIPs and it got... long. I can’t think of any I made a deliberate choice to never finish. There’s only 1 fic that I wrote that I didn’t post.

15. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, pacing, and sex~ 

I consider my dialogue my biggest asset as a writer tbh

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

WRITING THE WORDS DOWN and also how do plot?

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

In the fandom there’s a tendency to write lines in elvhen and then put the translation at the end and yeah no it drives me bonkers. It completely destroys the immersion and pacing for no pay off. I’m not going to scroll down to understand your story. I just read it straight and try to figure out what’s going on based on context. 

I stick with the well-known canon lines that most of us obsessed fans know by heart. I think sometimes I put a translation in there for newcomers, maybe? One time I used a feature on AO3 where you can hover your mouse over the work and it has like a footnote? that you can use to translate. But I immediately stopped bc #1 I don’t know how that works on mobile and #2 it really doesn’t seem like that’s going to work with screen readers. But otherwise I just say ‘they said in elven’ or have the narrator translate it themself for the reader. 

Also, a lot of people use the elvhen translations from that BNF’s project and like... If you WANT him to say ‘I want to paint you with my cum’ then just have the courage to say it straight! 

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

lmao Harvest Moon. Yeah. After that was Tamora Pierce (modern girl in Tortall yep). Then was like a 15 year gap until I got frustrated at the slow pace of the romance with this egg in this game so I wanted to see if there was smut... (Cue Googling: Is FanFiction.Net still a thing?)

19. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Oh gosh. Hmm. I love all my girls, but Duck Pond was/is a major work of love. Unlike my short works I really had the chance to explore more in a full length fic, you know?

(Marigolds is also full length but it was my first fic and there’s some spots that I’m not too proud of.)

That’s all the questions but I’m adding:

20. What’s a fic you’re proud of that hasn’t gotten much attention?

because I want an excuse to mention how hard I worked on Kirkwall Noir and how I’m surprised how little readership it’s gotten. It’s Varric! It’s Marigold! It’s super short, unlike most my stuff. Maybe that’s why people don’t like it?

Hmm, I also used a AO3 pen name, but it would still show on my page, right? 

Thank you for the tags, @roguelioness and @thevikingwoman !!  Consider yourself re-tagged so you can answer #20. Also tagging: @blarfkey @broomclosetkink @elveny @bardinhightown @keturagh​ @luzial​ 

[darkpoisonouslove]

Scooby-Doo and the Monster of Mexico Review

Another one of the Scooby movies that I have watched dozens of times as a child. Those feel like a greater challenge than the ones I’ve only seen once (or never) because I am a little anxious about how well they will hold up. Well enough, it turns out, at least in this case. A spoilerish review below the cut.

The mystery is both interesting and also a bit scattered. I am not sure how they managed to be sufficient on both of those fronts and yet, they somehow accomplished it. Once the clues really start showing up, the whole ordeal makes sense but the fact remains that the very reason for them starting to even find clues was a combination of luck and a bad strategy on the part of the villains. Sure, they had a couple clues before the museum ordeal but they would have never solved the mystery just by those and the rest were handed to them by the two factors I mentioned above. It is a little disappointing because the mystery is otherwise not bad and has several great aspects to be built on (more on those below). Once it picks up, though, this movie really picks up. There are many different elements thrown in to the point where it starts to feel a little excessive at times. It is busy and the story could have worked without some of the elements that were presented. It just feels a little clustered compared to the first 3/5ths of the movie and there is no room for the different threads to breathe in the last half an hour. There’s just information constantly thrown at you to tie up all the loose ends. It speaks negatively of the structure of the movie and that could have been handled better.

The villains are... an interesting case here. Tbh they don’t seem very competent because, if you think about it, had they not kidnapped Daphne in the museum, the gang probably wouldn’t have gotten enough clues to solve the mystery. So in a way they handed themselves over to the investigation which probably would have failed if they’d just stayed put and not given more opportunities to the gang for gathering clues. And tbh the monster does not seem nearly as scary as it could and should have been. Chupakabra is supposed to be a goat vampire and if the monster was creating significant hardship for the livelihood of the people aka destroying their lifestyle and opportunities for profit, it probably would have been more effective in driving them to sell their land than just instilling a vague sense of fear in the locals. However, at the same time Charlene was engaged to Louis and pretending to be in love with him to get his land while she was always in love with another man which I have to say is waaaaay more disturbing than the movie ever bothered to make it. And that leads me to my next point.

Look, I get it that this is a kids movie and a Scooby Doo movie and you can’t ask a lot of maturity from them BUT they already have some going on! I was actually surprised by the very fact that they are making this mystery revolve around attempts at buying out the land of the natives cheaply in order to build business there. It is a serious topic and not something you’d expect in a Scooby Doo movie. Not to mention that it’s handled pretty well even if not in much detail. It is presented as exploitation and deception without excusing it at any point. I still feel like the movie itself is exploiting Latin American culture to an extent but it still manages to present the issue somewhat objectively and maturely which was definitely a big surprise. Coupled with Charlene’s con and the fact that Shaggy and Scooby nearly died and could have killed several others when the van’s brakes were cut, it makes for a sufficiently dark tone to the movie... or it would have if they had let it. I know that they can’t go too dark with a Scooby Doo animated movie but a) the cat creatures from Zombie Island (need I say more?) and b) those elements were already included in the movie but were not fully explored. The issue with buying out the land was handled best but the other two points were just brushed away. There wasn’t much commentary on how what Charlene did to Luis is terrible and traumatizing in numerous ways and the scene with the van’s brakes was played for laughs. Tbh I don’t think that they needed to make it super dark and gritty, especially considering the vibrancy and energy of some of the other sequences and plot points in the movie but they could have gone a little darker. That way the lighter parts could have balanced it out while you still get an atmosphere of danger and mysticism.

I was disappointed by how quickly the movie turned back to comedy during some of the serious scenes instead of letting the emotions and atmosphere set in. Especially considering that some of the humor here is not great. What is funny is funny, but what isn’t funny, really isn’t and that can be very jarring sometimes. It sticks out even more when they switch from a suspenseful moment to a poorly thought out joke just because they are afraid of letting the audience follow a little deeper into the darker implications of the movie. Again, I understand that you can’t expect too much from a Scooby Doo movie but they had the opportunity to add a little more to the darker aspects of the story and instead, they wasted it on humor that did not lend well in several instances.

The characters are pretty surprising here. It is amazing how much is done with the supporting cast and mainly Alejo and Luis. There’s a lot of information about their characters, their lifestyle and even their past to an extent. That was a really pleasant surprise. On the other hand, the Scooby gang feels a little neglected here. Fred mainly stands out with his adventures at becoming bilingual. I think it’s nice that they gave the interest in learning new languages to someone other than Velma but I think that they could have shown some kind of connection between the fact that Fred is studying a new language and Velma knows several languages, ancient as they might be. I kind of support the idea to give the romantic interest to Scooby here. It isn’t focused on too much and works well enough when it is in the forefront. Daphne is an interesting case here. They gave her the generic crush on a pop star only in a glimpse in the beginning of the movie and then proceeded to put her in the role of the damsel in distress in the weirdest way yet. I am not entirely too sure what they were going for with her. Velma is a little neglected and there isn’t nearly enough focus on her passion for exploring a foreign culture even if it was hinted at and Shaggy just doesn’t really have his own thing in this movie. They probably could have done a little better with the gang but the focus on Fred and the supporting characters kind of compensates for that.

[caffiine]

A BRIEF PAUSE

From my regularly scheduled content. I’ve got some shit to say, y’all (forewarning for spicy language and spoilers)

I thought about making this post on my fandom subblog but this show and this relationship have been TOO important to me for the past 8 years to not give it its proper place in my life. strap in bc im not sure how long this mf is about to be.

When i started this DUMB show at age 19 tortured soul “empath” dark academia me thought sam winchester was going to be my favourite character. and don’t @ me, i love sam now in his own right (and we deserve some SAILEEN PEOPLE). but after literally less than 5 episodes i KNEW dean’s character and his arc were going to be amazing and beautiful and he immediately became my favourite brother. The nuances of his character i.e. his shell vs his true self were so evident to me even in the first couple seasons. in my humble opinion, he had the most growth of the two brothers.

They all deserve to be happy, but for whatever FUCKING reason dean has the HARDEST TIME OF ANYONE being happy in this show. I know it’s his character. I know it was written that way. But FFS.  I kept wondering when they were going to wrap up his emotional arc and stop torturing the poor dude.

then in season 4 they introduced castiel and 1) I thought the new concept of angels as assholes was super cool and 2) I hardcore SIMPED over misha collins (still do). I watched benignly as cas and dean began to form this relationship that seemed pretty special. I started watching the show when it was in its eighth season and I binged the shit out of it for two weeks until I was caught up. By the time I was caught up I was CERTAIN there were some feelings between them and I LOVED it. I am bisexual and I was ECSTATIC for a potential queer relationship between two masculine-portrayed dudes. I went on tumblr to express my newfound theory, only to find out that this was a real THING. “Destiel” was already an idea that had absolutely and intensely BLOSSOMED in the fandom  for several seasons already. So many others saw what I saw and saw the potential of emotionally tortured/constipated “daddy’s blunt instrument” dean and the unfeeling daddy’s boy cas “crack in his chassis” Winchester being allowed to be happy together. I felt validated and hopeful. For a while.

Then it was season after season of hopefulness for them to be finally happy with each other while still fighting the ills of their world with sam and the other new members of their family that were added along the way, only to constantly have that hope seemingly teased away at the end every single time. By season 11 and the introduction of amara (not bashing, eventually loved her character and her development too) I gave up. I lost hope. I stopped watching the show. I didn’t want to keep watching my two favourite characters continuously abused by the story they were thrown into.

I know not everyone likes destiel, not everyone thought it was real. That’s chill, idc. Stories are so often meant to be (and sometimes inadvertently) left up to interpretation by the person experiencing and consuming them. It’s what’s so amazing about books and shows and movies that are able to make us feel so intensely about them and their characters. And I felt SO strongly about dean and cas. It was honestly really upsetting to me, the way the show was going with their relationship.

A while later season 13 had been going on and I started seeing some things pop up on my dash. Hopeful things. I did a bit of research and accidentally saw THE SCENE from season 12 and I couldn’t help myself. I restarted it. I watched the whole thing from the beginning again AND introduced it to my boyfriend I think partially as a way to ensure I wasn’t imagining shit (it took him awhile and a lot of me internally screaming during many scenes but by season 9 he was like “uh are they in gay love”). Fast forward to me finally catching up as season 14 was starting. I was still hopeful, somehow. And it happened AGAIN. Season 14 and the beginnings of 15 made me so sad. I HATED what they did with their relationship. I HATED the way it ended. I HATED the way dean treated cas and everyone around him. It felt like the show was taking his whole character arc back to day 1. I didn’t understand. I kept watching for a couple episodes after the big argument and cas left but the luster was gone and eventually I just stopped.

I love this show. It has meant so much to me as a story. So many of the characters are/were very dear to me. I know it’s a running joke with this show about character deaths and homophobia but the strength of the bond I felt was between cas and dean gave me a lot of hope. But it wasn’t enough. I felt betrayed one too many times. And for those of you who kept watching, for whatever reason, I don’t hold it against you. It’s still a beautiful and interesting story without cas and dean’s relationship. But I just personally couldn’t do it anymore.

I hadn’t planned on watching the rest of season 15 when it came back after pandemic hiatus, at least not for awhile. So imagine my FUCKING surprise when I was doom scrolling through twitter during election week on Thursday and I see supernatural trending right along with election shit.

What.

I couldn’t stop myself, I looked and literally SCREAMED and made my boyfriend spill his wine all over our couch. I didn’t know exactly what happened as I hadn’t seen the episode but APPARENTLY all my emotions and feelings had been at least partially vindicated. So I BOUGHT season 15 so I could finish watching where I had left off. I watched 8 episodes in less than 24hrs (don’t judge me there’s a quarantine) and I LIKED them. And it might’ve been bc I knew what was about to happen in 15 x18 but I really felt like the show was getting STRONGER as it neared its finish.

I was so excited for 15x19. I read so many posts from fellow fans, destiel and antis alike. There really weren’t a lot of bad emotions running around. Everyone seemed hopeful and excited like me.

I probably don’t need to go over 15x19 emotions but im going to anyway. I was disappointed. I was confused. I was angry. we are in season 15. The last season ever for this show that has had a HUGE following of fans who have loved it, sometimes unconditionally, sometimes even though it wasn’t the best (and sometimes less than good). A season and show that had just announced YES. CAS LOVES DEAN. ITS REAL. And I shouldn’t have to go over the nuances of why we would expect more after this, with two episodes to go before the show is done forever.

But I will bc im mad af.

Like I said in the beginning. Dean’s character arc has been incredible. His emotional growth – as subtle as it might’ve seemed – has been amazing. And dean has always been an emotional, loving person. he just felt like he wasn’t because the world made him feel that way. And that’s sad, y’all. Dean deserves to realize he DESERVES happiness. And in 15x18, we were finally heading basically directly there. With destiel, yes, but even if you’re anti, what cas said to dean about who he is and why he loves him obviously struck a fucking chord with dean. It obviously changed the way he viewed himself (RE: “that’s not who I am, that’s not who we are”).

But for WHATEVER reason that’s ALL we got in 15x19. One fucking SENTENCE about dean realizing maybe he’s not just built to kill people. And then jack leaves without a single mention of Eileen or cas or Charlie or literally anyone they ever cared about and dean rode off into the sunset alone with his brother while we watched a fucking FIVE MINUTE MONTAGE that made me want to hurl my own body into the sun they were driving toward. And cas is STILL DEAD.

BUT THERE’S STILL ONE EPISODE LEFT AND FUCK ME IF I HAVENT BEEN PAINTING ON MY CLOWN MAKEUP ALL WEEK. SO WHAT DO I WANT????

ONE: DEAN DESERVES HAPPINESS. REAL HAPPINESS. What the FUCK supernatural??? Wasn’t this the whole point of his arc??? And don’t get me wrong I REALLY want that happiness to come from Cas and a real spoken relationship of some sort between them bc it also ties in with my second point but tbh just PLEASE let dean be happy. Dean is a loving person and does everything for love as we JUST FOUND OUT. Dean would NOT be happy with everyone he’s ever loved gone for the rest of his life. I just don’t believe that’s fucking true. h elp him pls.

TWO: CAS DESERVES HAPPINESS. I know we got this whole speech about “happiness isn’t in the having it’s simply in being”  but like. Really. Castiel was supposed to be a throwaway character no one was supposed to care about. But we all cared SO MUCH that he lasted 11 SEASONS longer than intended and became a main character and an integral part of the story. Cas has arguably sacrificed more than anyone on this show. His last act was to sacrifice his life to save the man he loved. He knew where he was going. He knew he was finally going to be able to tell dean he loved him and then immediately be taken by the empty where we know now thanks to season 15 that everyone in there just gets to dream forever about their regrets and sadness. HOW IS THAT FAIR. HOW IS THAT A GOOD ENDING FOR CAS. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE – CHARACTERS AND FANS ALIKE –TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. Its messed up, supernatural. Y’all KNOW it is and I hope to HIGH HEAVENS this is going to be corrected in 15x20.

THREE: give sam Eileen back. 

Well that’s all I’ve got in me, folks. I’m absolutely and intensely dreading Thursday. Im scared and nervous and obviously still angry that this is absolutely going to be the opposite of what they promised – another “game of thrones” ending. Some of y’all are giving me hope with your posts about maybe they’re trying to keep the ending a surprise and maybe cas is coming back and how can they not and why else would they have done the second to last episode like that and I hope yall are right.

Either way, im glad I am not alone with my feelings. Thanks yall for the experience of this fandom and show. Let’s stick together on Thursday, no matter our differences.

 PS stop calling jensen ackles a homophobe or ill hex you. 

[paint-music-with-me]

Man, that ep tho 👀

Now I get why they made an emphasis in ep 5-6 (can't rmr which one) that Phu is blunt and straightforward. Cuz he gon pull this shit in ep8 😔 I'm super mad about his reaction... but at the same time tbh I get it? A slight big problem for me about it is that...how do I put this...the Action part of the story (Sakda's men and the Ghost Hill house) was shoved in too fast on top of his reaction? I mean, it's been growing ik but I guess what I'm trying to say is the scenes/transitions that lead to Phu doing his job (the guns, searching, planning with the other guards) felt very abrupt and out of sync. Emotionally, it felt like something he needed to do to avoid his feelings about Tian's reveal (cuz thats what we're assuming) rather than be another task that he must do and balance his emotions with his job. Does that make sense? I'm not saying he can't do both but visually...it felt off. Visually it felt like an avoidance rather than another thing on his plate that he has to focus on...

I guess where I'm going for is: maybe one transition scene could be that a guard (not Rang/Yod) comes in and tells Phu about new info about Sakda's men. Phu is still pissed abt Tian so he gets all "😤 lets get 'em boys". Maybe Rang/Yod tries to stop him (part of why I wish there was a scene where Yod hears Tian explain death to the kid at the school and maybe vouch for him) bc "yo bro don't u think you're getting too ahead of yourself?" And Phu is all "this is my job, protecting a village, not babysitting a teacher". At least here, there is the distinction or an indication of how he is understanding his feelings and his job. At least for me, anyway 👀

Also! this is purely my defensiveness coming out bc as an audience who is exposed to so much dramatic irony it hurts, ima call out Phu on him being that mad at Tian for LYING. That's the thing that gets me. He out here saying "oh Tian u lied I am disappointed in u" like bruh? Didn't u ask ur officers to lie to the villagers about Torfun's death?? And mind you, a lot LONGER than Tian, more than 7 months? Tian only came to the village 2 months after his surgery bc of PT. So explain that! -> though ofc he is probably projecting onto Tian bc of his own guilt that he didn't tell the villagers himself and so to have Tian do it with this heavy of importance attached to his involvement with Torfun, Phu's emotions rlly got the best of him....but still

Also that fucking pattern of "the 5 times Tian collapsed, and the one time Phu collapsed" like bruh I didn't need that thank yew bye 🤚🙃

Then as much as I'm happy Tian didn't kill Torfun by being the driver, I get where he's coming from with his guilt cuz he still asked his friend to drive the car. Though, what's up with Prem (the friend)? Is he good? Like he was the driver....is he in therapy?? Did he go on an adventure to a rural village where he learns how to cope with his guilt and learn self-forgiveness?

Also can we just appreciate the Best Boy, Longtae??? Like he rlly is Best Boy. Like his POV must be so wild, cuz he was only given one side of the story (not knowing Tian was involved in Torfun's death) and then when the village only got one side, he got both and now he's in a weird position to understand his feelings about all of it. Like imagine your good friend, who you did your best to empathize and understand then tells you something else, a little addition to the story he gave you that was already personal and scary for him to tell. And now you understand WHY it was hard to tell. Like goddamn. And still Longtae went to Tian to talk and understand further Like bro that's beautiful. That's some communication right there dude.

Omg, (Sorry I have so many thoughts hehe) can we also talk about the kid that SNEAKED out of her house to talk to Tian??? Like bruhh she did that!! Though I wish I got to Tian explain death to her, I think that would've been really interesting because of his own personal thoughts. He was so ready to die and then he gets to live because someone had to. I think from there, especially if Yod was there listening, maybe at least two people would start to get a look into how Tian really thinks about himself and the way he sees life. Damn, wish they did that (part of the argument for making Phu's transitions in his job and his feelings a lot better cuz Yod could maybe vouch for Tian idk 👀)

Omg how could I forget about the villagers?? So for me, I don't mind the villagers' reactions too much?? I guess it depends on how Tian specifically said what he said to them (I'm merely thinking of the language barrier cuz the way I interpret the translation could be different from how it actually is). Cuz yeah, I'm sure they have their questions: how did he "kill" her? What happened? Etc.

But the way I see is this: they are catching up on their grief. They are searching for a place in their heart to understand everything that was revealed. Like this dude came in from no where instead of the regular sweet girl that you've come to love and admire and he messes things up and does his best to fix things. He's a sweet knucklehead and you begin to love him too. Then he reveals that the reason why he is alive and in your village is because he was involved in the death ("killed" from the translations) of the sweet girl you've known for idk how many years, def longer than knowing him. And then add on to the fact that he's been staying there for MONTHS. It's a lot to process.

Tbh the best way to sum up their feelings was how that one woman put her hand in front of Tian's face and looked away from him as she passed Tian after putting down flowers. It was perfect because they need time. Emotions are so weird and not so easily one thing or another, especially grief. I'm making this point cuz I've noticed that some ppl have brought up concerns abt the villagers' reactions which is ofc valid. It IS weird how they're reacting, not asking questions, immediately ignoring him. But I would argue thats also a village mindset. I've been there, village people stick together and sometimes the vibe of a village can set the precedent of how they'll feel about a newcomer. So something this big and shocking? Yeah, they ain't gon wanna talk to Tian for a hot second.

Anyway, the ep was interesting 👀 in terms of pacing because the Action came at an odd angle once Tian's secret was revealed. (Omg I also didn't expect Phu to find out at the same time Tian was telling the villagers about his involvement with Torfun) But with the ending they gave, I AM VERY CONCERNED ABOUT HOW ALL THIS GON ADD UP??? LIKE WHAT ABOUT SAKDA'S MEN??? WHAT ABOUT THE SMUGGLING?? WHAT ABOUT PHU??? WHAT IS TIAN'S DAD GON DO??? WILL PHU WAKE UP??? WILL TIAN LEARN TO FORGIVE HIMSELF?!??! WILL HE BE ABLE TO COUNT 1000 STARS!!?

[nazario-sayeed]

Afterglow (Ethan x F!MC)

A/N: This is probably the most challenging fic I've written to be honest, mostly because I had to write a character that doesn't exist and that's hard. I'm satisfied with the result though. I got the idea after the open heart team said something about new characters we're meeting in book 2. As the name implies, it was heavily inspired by the song Afterglow by Taylor Swift. I had a whole ass playlist for this fic but that song was my main inspiration. English is not my first language. Tag list is under the cut. 

WC: 4950 (sorry about that) 

Rating/ warnings: Angst, alcohol abuse, mention of sex (nothing explicit), jealously uhhh i think that's it 

Masterlist

"Sienna, thank god I found you! I've been looking all over for you"

"Are you okay? What happened?" Sienna was confused to see Lexie almost running into the locker room, out of breath.

"I'm fine, but... something weird happened." she paused. "You know Dr. Marino, right?"

Dr. Leonardo Marino was invited by Dr. Banerji to spend one week working with the diagnosis team in Edenbrook. He was brilliant, charismatic... and incredibly handsome. A significant amount of the hospital staff had spent the whole week making heart eyes at him. They weren't to blame, though: he had a bronze skin, dark eyes, a perfectly cut hair, an undeniable gorgeous face that looked like it was sculpted by Aphrodite herself and an italian accent that made most people melt.  

"Yeah, of course. What about him?"  

"Uh, he kinda asked me out?" Lexie said, not sure it had really happened. Sure, they had been working together all week and got along pretty well. She noticed he was specially friendly to her- but she thought it was just his personality.

"Oh my god, Lexie!" Sienna screamed and grabbed Lexie's arms, beaming. A few curious heads turned to them, and Sienna giggled. She continued in a quieter tone. "What did you say?"

"I said yes" Lexie said with a smirk.

"Really? Oh Lexie I'm so happy for you!" Sienna hugged her roommate, before stepping back back and biting her lip with hesitation.

"What is it? Why did you make that face?"

"I really am happy for you, don't get me wrong, but I thought you weren't over… you know" she didn't say his name nor she had to. Lexie knew who she was talking about, of course. Ethan freaking Ramsey. Lexie sighed.

"I'm not over him. You know that. But I can't let it keep holding me back, can I? Besides, Dr. Marino is leaving town in a couple of days. It's just casual." She said, leaning back against a locker. They both knew Lexie was hurting more than she let on. Sienna decided not to say anything.

"I hope you have a great time. He's a catch, Lexie! Tell me everything when you get home, okay?" They hugged and Sienna went home, leaving Lexie to get ready for her date.

It had been a while since Ethan and Lexie had decided they couldn't keep seeing each other. It wasn't much of a decision, honestly. After both of them went back to Edenbrook, Ethan simply pretended nothing had happened between them, so she had no choice but to follow his lead.

That didn't mean it was easy for her, or that she didn't miss him. Because she did. But she couldn't do anything about it and Ethan kept pretending everything was fine. If it wasn't for a few pained looks she sometimes caught him giving her, she would've thought he was indeed fine.

So she kept trying to move on, even if all she wanted was to run to him and tell how she truly felt. Getting ready for her date and pretending to be excited for it was just one of her ways of pretending she had moved on.

Lexie and Leonardo had agreed on meeting at Donahue's after work, so it wasn't like there was too much Lexie could do to get ready. She was wearing the clothes she had worn when she left her apartment that morning and just a bit of makeup to at least seem like she had made an effort. As she crossed the door to the bar, she realized she was feeling really numb about it. She wasn't nervous or excited at all.

Leonardo was already waiting for her in a booth. He smiled when he saw her, and got up to greet her.

"Hi, Lexie. You look beautiful" he leaned over and kissed her on both cheeks, and she blushed even if she didn't mean to. She wasn't used to his warmth.

"Oh, thank you Dr. Marino." she sincerely doubt she looked beautiful after a 12 hour shift, but she wasn't going to argue with him.

"We're outside the hospital, you can call me Leo." he said with a smirk.

"Right. Sorry, Leo" she smiled and they sat down, facing each other.

As he ordered them drinks, she realized she was nervous after all. But only because she had no idea of how the date was gonna go. She didn't know what were his expectations or if she could meet them.

Things went really smooth, to her surprise. The conversation didn't feel forced, and he was a very nice and smart man. But that was it. No butterflies on her stomach, no accidental touches that made her heart jump out of her chest. No chemistry. She knew a lot of men and women who would love to be in her place, but she wasn't feeling anything at all. Leonardo was being respectful but flirty, smiling at her, trying to make her laugh and even gently touching her hand once or twice. One of the most handsome men she had ever met was trying his best to please her and there was only one thing on her mind: He is great, but he is not Ethan.

After a couple of hours of talking and a few drinks, she excused herself and went to back of the room where the bathrooms were. She wanted to splash some water on her face or text Sienna- just an excuse to leave the table for a few minutes.

She leaned against the sink and pulled her phone out of her pocket.

'its not going great tbh. hes fine but im not feeling it'

'im sorry :( does that mean you are coming home soon? we can open a bottle of wine and talk about it'

'sounds tempting. i'll hang here for a while but i think i might leave soon. gtg now, bye'

'good luck!! :)'

Hanging with Sienna sounded more fun that staying at the bar. She should make up some excuse and just leave.

Lexie rubbed her hands on face and closed her eyes, letting out a long sigh.

"What is wrong, Anderson? The date isn't going well?" she heard his voice and froze. When she opened her eyes, Ethan was standing by one of the men's stalls.

"Dr. Ramsey? I didn't know you were here at the bar, I...I didn't see you." She said, feeling her heart beat faster than it had all night. Pathetic.

"I was at the back when you arrived to your date" He couldn't hide the bitterness on his voice when he said the word date. He looked… off.

"Um, are you okay?"

"I'm fantastic." when he moved closer to wash his hands on the sink she could smell the alcohol on his breath. It all made sense.

"Dr. Ramsey, you're drunk!" she blurted out and it sounded more like an accusation than she intended to. He simply snickered.

"I did drink a lot of scotch. I guess I am." he said with fake amusement, drying his hands on his pants.

Lexie bit her lip, nervous and not sure of what she should do. Ethan being drunk on a Thursday night on a bar where most of his coworkers liked to hang was a bad idea to say the very least. It could damage his reputation- he wasn't a young, careless intern anymore and he shouldn't act like one. But he is not my problem, she thought to herself.

"You should go home, Dr. Ramsey" she said, trying to not stand too close. Even with all the scotch, if she got too close she could still smell something that was so uniquely him. Sometimes, she would walk by him at the hospital and smell his cologne- then all she could think about was his smell on her sheets after their last night together. It was hard to focus on anything else when that happened.

"I can't. Reggie took my keys after my third glass."

"Then grab a taxi or an uber" she nervously glanced at her watch. She should really get back to Leo, but she shouldn't leave Ethan like this. She couldn't.

"Go, Anderson. You don't want to worry your date. And you certainly don't have to worry about me." she could hear the hostility on his voice and it hurt her more than she thought it would. Apparently drunk Ethan was more of an idiot than regular Ethan.

He walked away and she could see him stumbling on his feet. She mentally cursed him and walked back to her table, where Leonardo was sitting with a new drink and a concerned face. He certainly had seen Lexie and Ethan leaving the bathroom basically together. He noticed the hesitant look on her face.

"Is everything okay?"

"Not exactly. Dr. Ramsey is drunk and I… I can't leave him like this. I need to drive him home, I'm so sorry." she tried to look guilty. The disappointment on his face was clear, although he tried to hide it.

"Oh. I understand. I'm sorry too." he smiled sadly.

She squeezed his hand softly, not sure what to do, then simply turned back and walked to where Ethan was sitting at the bar- with another glass of scotch on his hands. Lexie took it out of his hands. He turned to her, looking angry.

"What are you doing?" he tried to reach his glass but his reflexes were too slow, so she easily dodged him.

"Reggie, can I have his keys? I'm taking him home." the bartender looked grateful as he handed her the keys and took the glass from her hand.

"I don't need a babysitter, Anderson. Go back to your date and leave me alone" Ethan said, sounding exactly like a stubborn baby.

"Well, you're certainly acting like a child. Let's go, Dr. Ramsey" she was getting annoyed at his behavior. He reluctantly got up and headed for the door, not even looking back. She sighed and followed him. As she stepped outside, the cold Boston wind hit her and she wrapped her arms around herself, trying to create some heat.

Lexie looked around for Ethan and found him already walking- no, stumbling to the hospital. She had no option but to follow him.

They walked in silence to his car on Edenbrook's parking lot and quickly got inside the car, turning the heat on as she drove away to his house. The silence was far from comfortable, so she decided to just say what was on her mind knowing she might regret it in the morning.

"What the hell was that, Ethan? Are you trying to ruin your reputation?" she was almost yelling at him. She had her eyes on the road, but he could see her face turning red.

"I'm off the clock, Anderson. I don't own explanations to anyone about what I do outside the hospital, much less to you"

"Well, the next time you decided to act like a drunk asshole, you should at least do it at a bar that isn't literally 5 minutes away from where you work! Are you really that blind that you can't see how much this could hurt your image? Or are you just that stubborn?" there was no hiding the frustration on her voice now. Her knuckles were white where she gripped the steering wheel.

"I don't need your advice on how to manage my image or my career, Anderson" He spit back at her.

"Fine. You do whatever you want. Why should I give a shit, right? You know what you're doing." she laughed bitterly. Lexie could feel angry tears threatening to form in her eyes and didn't even know why. She bit her lips trying to hold it back- she didn't want to make it all worse by crying. He crossed his arms and didn't say anything else.

The few minutes that it took her to drive to his apartment felt like hours.

As they got out of the car, he was a little less drunk- just enough to feel slightly guilty, but not enough to walk straight. Lexie was still feeling mad, but as she took in the shape he was in, she decided she would let herself feel angry tomorrow. Tonight, she needed to help him.

"Come on, let's get you home" she surprised herself and him with her gentle voice.

"I can get to my apartment just fine, you should go." he tried to argue but his slow voice betrayed him, and he found himself leaning against her shoulder for support.

"I'll go as soon as you're asleep on your bed with a bottle of water and some aspirin on your nightstand" she said, which made him chuckle.

Lexie had to almost drag him to the elevador. She was trying not to think too hard about where his body was touching hers, or that she could so clearly smell his cologne. Her heart skipped a few beats. To feel him so close to her was the best and worst kind of torture at the same time. She couldn't help but remember what had happened when she was at his apartment a few months ago.

Jenner bounced on them as soon as they went through his apartment door- it was almost enough to knock Ethan off his feet. He calmed the dog down and went straight to his bar, grabbing a bottle of scotch.

"Ethan, what the hell do you think you're doing?" she asked in shock.

"Just one more glass. Will you join me?" he didn't even bother using a glass and took a big gulp straight from the bottle.

"Ethan, please, just go to sleep." Lexie was almost begging him. She just wanted to get away from there, get way from him. It was too much.

She tried to reach the bottle but he dodged her. His eyes were kinda red and his hair was a mess- but he kept drinking.

“Why are acting like such an idiot today?!” she yelled in frustration, covering her face with her hands.

“Because seeing you on a date with someone else drove me fucking insane, okay?” he yelled back, feeling as shocked with his own words as she looked. She just froze.

“What?” her voice broke.

“You want to know why I’m being such an idiot? Because I can’t stand to see you on a date with someone that isn’t me. That’s why. I wanted to punch his face every time he touched your hand, or when he said something that made you laugh. But I couldn’t do it, so I just drank” his voice was a mix of anger and hurt, and every single word felt like a slap to her face. But her surprise soon was replaced by rage.

“You don’t have the right to get mad over who I go out with! You were the one who chose to act like nothing had happened between us for months, you were the one who didn’t even give us a chance! You think you have the right to feel anything when you see me with another man? Because let me tell you something: you don’t! It was your choice to walk away, it was your choice not to fight for us, it was your choice to leave me.” her voice broke and she had to stop and take a breath, trying to hold back the tears. Before he could say something, she continued “You don’t get to drink your ass off and act like a jerk when I’m doing what I can to try and get over you. I only went on date with him because you chose not to be there for me, Ethan.”

When she finally stopped yelling, the tears had found a way to spill from her eyes even if she had tried to fight them. It felt so good to get it all out of her chest, but it also hurt so fucking much. She tried to stop the tears from falling even more but she didn’t seem able to, so she simply turned back and grabbed his kitchen counter as support. She felt pathetic and weak as she literally sobbed on his kitchen.

Ethan stood frozen in place for a few seconds, letting the truth of what she had said wash over him.

"You think I don't know that? You think I haven't been missing you ever since I went back to Edenbrook?" his voice broke the momentarily silence between them. He sounded so vulnerable. "Lexie, I don't regret most decisions I've made, but I do regret letting you go."

She quickly wiped her tears and sniffed once more before turning back to look at him. Those ocean blue eyes would be the death of her. When she spoke, her voice was merely a whisper.

"So why did you?" Of course she knew why. She had gone over the reasons why on her head over and over again. He was her boss, it was complicated and unethical, blah blah blah. She knew that. But she also believed that if he really wanted to be with her like she wanted to be with him, they would find a way.

"I don't know." his mind was still foggy. At that moment, he couldn't believe he had ever let her walk away. All the reasons seemed so stupid.

"Ethan, I think I should go, I…" the tears were threatening to come back and she didn't want him to see her crying because of him again.

"Christ, this isn't a conversation I wanted to have drunk." he said more to himself than to her. He rubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath, looking at her again. "Look, Lexie, I don't know why I let you go. I was too stubborn, I was focusing on the wrong things… I thought it was the right move when in fact it was nothing but a mistake. But you know that I never make the same mistake twice." he walked slowly to where she was- partly because he didn't want to scare her off, partly because he didn't trust his drunk legs. She was standing frozen and he gently caressed her cheek with one of his hands. "Don't leave me again. I'm sorry, Lexie. Please stay."

Her face betrayed her surprise and pain. It was all she had wanted to hear for the past months and yet she felt her heart break into a million piece. Even though everything in her mind told her to turn back and leave, she couldn't. It was a treacherous situation, but she knew she would do anything he asked her. Instead of leaving, she leaned into his touch.

He moved his head towards hers but instead of kissing her, he touched his forehead to hers, She gently removed his hand from his face and brought it to her lips, placing a soft kiss to the back of it.

"We don't have to make any promises today, okay?" she whispered and he simply nodded. She smiled and stepped back, clutching his hand on hers. She was afraid that if she let it go, he might not come back.

"Come here." She led him to his suite and as they crossed his room to go to the bathroom she tried not to think too hard about the things they had done on that bed, even if she hadn't been thinking about anything else for months.

She sat him down at his toilet turned the shower on. She stood in front of him and slowly helped him out of his clothes, letting her fingers softly graze his body as she undressed him. It wasn't a sensual touch or anything- she just needed to feel his skin under her fingertips to make sure he was real, to make sure the whole thing wasn't some kind of twisted dream.

She stood up and looked down at him: drunk out of his mind, naked, looking more vulnerable than she ever remembered seeing him, and looking up at her with those ocean blue eyes full of… something she couldn't quite place, but she knew it was a good something. She smiled down at him and reached out to run her fingers through his hair. He leaned into her touch.

"Lexie... I'm sorry I was such an ass today. I'm sorry you have to see me like this." his voice was broken. All at once, she forgot any anger she had felt that night. She only wanted to be there for him, she wanted that moment to last forever- both of them letting their feelings for each other show, standing vulnerable in his bathroom with the steam from the hot water surrounding them, making everything look almost ethereal.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. Let me take care of you now, okay?" her voice was so soft she didn't even recognize it. Ethan closed his eyes and simply nodded.She leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, trying to let some of her affection for him translate into that touch. His breath caught in his throat.

She helped him get inside the shower but as she was trying to leave him- she wasn't sure of where they stood at that point, but she didn't want to push him too far- he grabbed her hand.

"Can you stay, please? Just… stay." he pleaded. Anything, she thought, I will do anything you ask me to.

"Of course. Just give me a minute okay?" she smiled at him and he nodded, sitting down on the bench on his shower wall and letting the water pour over him. She stepped out and peeled off her clothes, taking a moment to fathom the whole situation. Was it really happening?

She stepped back into the shower and smiled shyly at him. The weirdest thing was that there was no sexual energy in the air. She couldn't quite describe what was happening at that moment, but it felt almost pure. They were both vulnerable, and open, and just there. Letting go.  

They stood there in silence- he sitting on the bench, and she taking care of him- but it wasn't uncomfortable like inside the car. It was peaceful. Lexie helped him wash his hair, his body, wash away the alcohol and the regret. Suddenly, one word came to her mind: intimacy. That was what she was feeling at that moment, it was the energy surrounding them. He had literally been inside of her, but in that moment she felt closer and more connected to him than ever before. For the first time that night everything felt so simple. They could almost forget all the complications attached to their relationship. In that moment, none of that mattered.

He finally stood in the shower, facing her. She looked up at him and felt her heart skip a beat as he brushed one hand over her cheek.

"Thank you, Lexie" he whispered, then leaned down to press his forehead to hers. She knew where this was going.

"Ethan, we shouldn't..." she whispered back, her throat closing. She couldn't go through this again, she couldn't. She had said to him they didn't need to make any promises that night- but if they kissed, there was no going back for her. She didn't know what she would do if he leaned in but she also didn't know what she would do if he pulled back.

He moved his face lower and pressed a kiss to where her neck met her shoulders, making her hold back a small moan.

"I'm so sorry, Lexie. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry I was an ass today. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm just sorry" he said, his voice cracking. She couldn't tell if the drops she felt on her shoulder were from the shower or his eyes.

"It's okay. I'm here" she said softly, wrapping her arms around him. His lips moved up again and slowly found hers in the most perfect kiss she could imagine. It was slow, soft, vulnerable and intimate. It wasn't a kiss like the ones they shared before. It was a quiet answer to all of their doubts.

God, she had missed those lips, those hands on her body, his taste- even if she could only taste the scotch. She had missed him.

Eventually, they broke apart. She was smiling despite of herself, but he looked serious. With their hands still around one another, she asked:

"Is everything alright?" she didn't want to admit that she was afraid of the answer. She couldn't have her heart broken by him again.

"Lexie, what is this for you?" he asked with a serious tone.

"What do you mean?"  

"This. Us."

Oh. She wasn't expecting that question right away. She searched his eyes and found that he didn't look drunk at all anymore.

"It's… I don't know, Ethan. It's not casual, that much I know. It's something I've been wanting even before we first kissed and haven't stopped wanting ever since." she admitted. She couldn't put into words exactly what they were for her, but her answer was as close as it could get. He seemed relieved.

"That's good to hear. You know me, you know these things aren't easy to me. I know this is too much to ask this soon, but I just needed to know if we are on the same page." he smiled and kissed her cheek. She was naked in the shower with him- the same man she had sex with twice- but that kiss on the cheek was what made her blush.

They took their time finish their shower; washing each other and getting lost in gentle kisses. The kind of closeness they experienced in that moment had nothing to do with sex; it felt somehow even more deep and intimate.

After Lexie dried herself and put on one of his bath robes, she went searching for her phone and found it under her clothes on Ethan's bathroom floor. There were multiple texts from Sienna; it was only then that she realized how long it had been since she told her roommate she was leaving the bar- and she never made it home. She discreetly closed the bathroom door and dialed her number. Sienna picked up after a couple of rings.

"Lexie, where the hell are you?" she sounded so concerned, which made Lexie feel guilty.

"I'm so sorry, I forgot to call you. Tonight was eventful, Sienna. But I'm fine."

"What do you mean with that? Where are you?  Why are you whispering?"

"I'm whispering because I'm in Ethan's bathroom, wearing his robe and I don't want him to hear me" she whispered furiously. There was a long silence on the other side of the call.

"Oh. Are you spending the night?" Sienna asked; Lexie could almost hear the grin on her voice.

"I think so. Yes. I'm not sure what's going on right now, but I'm fine and I have to go. I just needed to let you know that I'm alive, okay? I'll tell you all about it when I get the chance"

"Okay, sure. I'm just glad you're okay. Have fun and stay safe" Sienna said with a giggle and Lexie rolled her eyes.

"I'm going to ignore that. Bye, Sienna, I'll talk to you later" Lexie ended the call with a silly smile on her face, then returned to Ethan's room where he was waiting for her sitting on his bed, also wearing a robe.

"Who was that on the phone?" he asked with a smirk.

"You heard that, huh?" Lexie walked to the bed and laid down, propping her head on an elbow and looking at him.

"The walls are thin, and your whispers aren't as quiet as you think"

"It was Sienna. She was worried about me."

It was his time to lay down, mirroring her position and looking at her as well.

"And what did you say?"

"I told her the truth." Lexie reached between them and laced his fingers with hers. "That I'm fine and that I'm here. Is that okay?"

He gently stroked his thumb on her hand, smiling softly.

"I assumed you would have to have a conversation with Dr. Trinh and Dr. Greene after they caught me sneaking out of your room."

"Elijah pretended it didn't happen, but I did talk to Sienna. She's been there for me those months we've been apart. She knows exactly how hard it was for me when we had to end things, how hard it had been for me to even try to move on." She mentioned it casually, but his eyes filled with sorrow.

"Lexie, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I pushed you away when I should've fought for us, I'm sorry I distanced myself from you these past months. I'm mostly sorry that I hurt you." he moved his hands to her face, pushing the hair on her face behind her ear. "It kills me to hear you say how hard it's been for you and know it was my fault. But I want to fix that, okay? I’m here now.”

“Ethan, I understand why you did it. We can’t act like this isn’t complicated, because it is. But we can try to make it better, and we can try to make it work. Together.”

She closed the distance between them with a kiss that felt like a promise.

That night, they fell asleep together, naked, side by side, with a million different challenges and promises hanging between them. But, for that night, they chose to ignore everything else and just focus on the feeling of being in each other's arms once again.

---

tagging: @bryceslahelas @lahelalove @donutsgirl36 @queenkaneko @msjpuddleduck @niaellariious @flyawayboo @brightpinkpeppercorn @jlpplays1 @desiree---1986 @embarrassingsmartphonegame @mfackenthal @cerisesayeed-ramsey @chasingrobbie @a-i-n-a-a-s-h @akacalliope  @perriewinklenerdie​ @lastfirstcupcake​ @sparklinglilac @sofreakingdonewiththeworld​ @makingbadchoices​ @isabella-choices​ (let me know if you want to be added/removed from my tag list)

[nctsiren]

🌹🍒 🔥 🍑 🧡🌳🌠🔮💜🌸🌺 for Evie sorry again for how many there are

madam do NOT apologize!! i def went overboard w answers but!! hope u like guysss~~

🌹: evie is charismatic asf and finds it super easy to befriend people!! that doesn't mean she tries to befriend everybody, though- in fact, she's picky with friends (that sounds bad i promise it isn't) because The Vibe Needs To Be Right. people can piss her off but she never makes enemies- however, she'll speak up if someone is bein ridiculous or annoying, so people will get mad with HER. she doesn't have anyone she hates, she's chill. nd she can talk to anyone at a party- but if she isn't into it, she'll vibe on her own or do what she wants.

🍒: evie doesn't really expect things from people persay- she just wants to be treated kindly, fairly, and she wants people to show her respect. and the people she's friends with/in romantic relationships with are the same way, because the people she surrounds herself with are also of that mindset. in friendships, she wants a friend, y'know? healthy friendships, fun, vibing, etc. in romantic relationships, she doesn't have a type, really, and she likes to mesh with people depending on the situation. she is versatile in many senses and can get with all the love languages. she just wants either fun (she doesn't strictly date to marry or anything) or love (again depending on the person). she isn't demanding, nor is she a doormat.

🔥: (am answering the likes nd dislikes from the prompt only cuz brain is mush today) evie wears dark colors (like 80% of the time) but loves all colors- she's an artist, after all. she hates the way gravel and sidewalks feel on her bare feet, but she loves being barefoot, so she'll overlook it. socks make her feet feel too restricted. she likes feeling free, and although she will wear anything as long as she's feeling it, she likes loose things when she's relaxing. she likes to walk around with minimal clothing- but, like, i mean underwear and a big shirt, or loose pants and a sports bra. she likes feeling air on her skin. she listens to ALL music, but she's really into indie, britpop, 70s, and other shit i can't think of words for. mainstream bops & also really obscure shit- putting her music on shuffle is like whiplash tbh. nd she LOVES snowy weather oh my god she thinks all weather is gorgeous (she will see beauty in literally anything, she LOVES nature) but cold weather smells good and something about snow awakens this beautiful wonder in people- evie ADORES that

🍑: her room. listen evie isn't a homebody or anything, but her room is her creative space. and london, of course, where she grew up, but that's a bit more... broad. hmm... another is this little meadow she found (in england) where sh would go to sketch, nap, meditate, listen to music, and just lay in the sun. she feels a little bad about it, but that's what she misses most from home- tied w her missing her little brother and sister (they're nine and twins). her meadow, to her, was like. the freedom to just exist and observe and enjoy. sometimes she's confused why she chose idol life- it's restrictive, and not really her style- but tbh she enjoys it and wouldn't change it. anyway on the flip side, evie HATES being in really tall buildings. she isn't even afraid of heights!! i mean she can handle it, it's not too big of a deal, she just hates it for some reason.

🧡: honestly, evie doesn't have a singular favorite person... she loves all of her family, her members, her friends. but it is worth noting that mila is her best friend. she's close to all the girls, and a lot of the guys (hyuck, lucas, ten, yuta, taeil, taeyong, johnny, hendery, yangyang in particular) OH AND KRIS (as in kris wu, her cousin) SHE LOVES HIM. but mila is just. basically her other half LMAO their bond is crazy and they're truly bff's, ride-or-dies, despite their differences. they bring out the best in each other. nd she doesn't hate anyone- the people she actually dislikes tho are certain members and people in the industry/company that are like. the corporate ones ig

🌳: T/W- TOXIC PARENTS, MENTAL/EMOTIONAL ABUSE, MENTIONS OF WEED

evie has always had a strong self identity (for the most part) and has def gone through some shit (gifted kid burnout too omfg she was in advanced EVERYTHING but that shit kinda wears you out and her parents were horrible with school & her career). her biggest issues growing up? the pressure from her parents and basically just them shitting on her. they were mentally/emotionally abusive and she was really depressed during her adolescence. she doesn't have clinical depression or mental illness tho. she also didn't have MANY friends because her parents were horrible and wanted her to study nd not be a disappointment- which they said a lot. she started going out regardless when she was a lil older- not even sneaking out, just straight up walking out. her parents literally DRUG TESTED HER. but she is a social, bold person by nature so she wasn't having it. she has a higher sense of self worth now because of how far she has come and she doesn't bat an eye at her parents- in fact, she's mostly cut off from them. she's in SUCH a better place in her adulthood, in korea. her parents still don't support her career choice and do NOT stream ddd >:( she just worries about her little brother and sister... if they get the same treatment as she did, she WILL go batshit. she calls her siblings a lot, facetimes them, sends gifts and money- they love her and she is ITCHING to see them again. she was always close to them. anyway, she'd tell her younger self to not give a fuck about what her parents said, as much as it hurt. you can CHOOSE your family. she'd tell little evie to pursue her passions, and that she was gonna be doing great things one day. nd she'd tell teenage evie to smoke more weed 😌

🌠: evie's first friend was this kid from first grade who she doessn't remember anything about, she just remembers that they were her friend for a bit, and their face LMAO. she hasn't really lost contact with people persay? like during her nine months of training she couldn’t talk to them HEH and then apologized and it picked right back up. her girls in london MISS HERRRR and she misses them too :(

🔮: star gazing or cloud watching? hand-holding or snuggles? early mornings or late nights?

💜: music or silence? swords or spells? cities or nature?

🌸: her voice sounds like yuqi's (her face claim, if no one knew) in terms of singing and speaking! deep and charming and lovely. she's also... pretty loud. her laugh is also like yuqi's, but the specific laugh that's like BIG and it's like a barking(?) laugh. she laughs with her whole ass body too. OH YEAh BUT her speaking voice is yuqi's, like i said, but with a british accent. the london accent.

🌺: she doesn't have any birthmarks, and she only has little scars from various stupid shit she has done (idk if anyone remembers but in her profile i said she loves adrenaline, is kinda reckless, and will do any dare). she doesn't have any tattoos YET but is planning some (just wait omfg lily is a BIG tattoo/piercing person- her stuff is coming soon, evie is HYPED ASF to get her tattoos, and hyeyoung has a few- getting more too)

TAGLIST: @aqueenieme @moonbeamsung @atinygracie @jinsoulorbitzen12 @btshook @1-800-enhypenbibi

[obeymematches]

(Part 1) I only use Tumblr to lurk and I've never done an ask before, so I hope this comes through ok! You're an angel (devil?) for doing matchups, so I thought I'd humbly request one! I'm Nikki, and I'm an old lady by fandom standards. I grew up in the deep South US (NC and New Orleans), and lived in Italy for a while. I wanted to be a linguist when I was younger, and I still love learning foreign languages. I have a degree in French (cont in pt 2)

(part 2) and I'm now a lawyer, because academics don't pay the bills. I work with child abuse victims, which is rewarding. I love to travel, but I can't much because a) I got court to go to and b) I also love animals, and it's hard to find someone who will take care of dogs, guinea pigs, and reptiles all at once. I'm sarcastic, kind of flippant as a defense mechanism. I'm usually the funny friend, but I get sassy when I'm on the whiskey (cont in pt 3) (part 3!) I'm a big fan of nonfiction books, especially about science and history, and historical dramas on Netflix. I love Netflix and chill with my partner, but I am pretty independent, so I like spending time alone traveling, taking care of critters, or working out. My love language is acts of service, so I show I care by cleaning the house or running errands for my man/lady. (last part incoming!) (last part!) My partner needs to be independent, with a dark sense of humor, who doesn't mind me venting about the grisly and/or weird stuff I see at work. I do like a responsible guy, 'cause I don't wanna be your mama and your gf at the same time. He should also be accepting of weird backwoods southern-isms, like buying taxidermy, saying "bless your heart", and listening to Dolly Parton and Rebirth Brass Band. Thanks! I love your blog!

Hello love!

Thank you for sending in a request! awwwww i’m glad to be your first! 

I hope you like the result! 

Okay so lets’ see... I’m kind of torn between Lucifer and Barbatos. 

I decided to match you with Lucifer! 

So i’m going to keep it real with you, I think your southern upbringing would add to this relationship a lot. First I thought it’s super risky to do this but let’s go anyway. I mean I don’t really want to bring religion into this, but we all know their background in the game. 

Lucifer would be very wary with anyone coming from a highly religious area, but sooner or later he would learn about your own perspectives. (since you play the game I assumed you’re not the stereotype being an English major taught me)

It would take him quite some time to share his views with you in depth, honestly you have a better chance at getting anyone else to open up about their past than him. But I think once you get someone else to do it and now you already know briefly whats up, he would just tell you himself. After all he takes buliding a relationship seriously once he is truly interested in someone.

I think your academic career and the fact that you are a lawyer would impress him and after he learns this about you, his respect for you will grow. Which is very important when it comes to Lucifer.

Lucifer had quite a lot of centuries to pick up languages. Although he isn’t speaking them all either (i mean he is a demon how many languages would he really need), he sees the value of being a multilingual human. Just to test you, he would sometimes switch between them.

It is canon that he is supposed to be outgoing as well, were it not for his very limited amount of free time. So he definitely understands your struggles to get away, as he is the most responsible demon in the household. Once in a blue moon he would probably get to have a couple of days off with you though. I’m sure he knows people who’d take care of your animals for a few days. (probably not one of his brothers though.) 

He appreciates a sarcastic s/o as he can be a bit sarcastic as well. Your flippant nature will only turn him on, especially since you are also responsible so flippant attitudes coming from you hit differently. 

Drinking with him is something you probably wouldn’t be able to avoid. I’m sure he would enjoy your sassy nature, he is one of the best at handling that so don’t worry about conflicts.

 I’m sure he would be able to talk in detail about historical events as he was there when it was all written. So this would be a common topic of conversation! in a healthy relationship good conversations are a must, so you two got that down as well. None of you is bored! Also I don’t really see him reading fiction tbh, so you are on the same page. 

Netflix and chill is up on his priority list as well, so again no trouble on either side.  

Lucifer in canon can fall in love with whoever it happens with, but an independent partner makes his life easier. By this I mean that he is usually busy so his partner would be very disappointed if they expected him to entertain them for many hours a day. Sure, he does make time for you so you don’t feel neglected as he wants to be a good partner. At the end of the day he is in love. 

He would definitely appreciate your love language! He always needs a helping hand, although he is usually too full of pride to actually ask for help with big things. So basically you’d probably get to do the easy stuff. 

His love language is affection so hopefully you are prepared for lots of private times! 

Also love language is just something you have to talk about with him, I think for his beloved he is willing to do things he normally wouldn’t. like you need a new dress?? want to hold hands in public?? want some reassurement?? gotcha (ok with some of these he might struggle but he tries so we gotta give him that)

I think he fits into everything you described your wish for a partner. he is mature and respnsible, and don’t worry he has heard and seen some stuff your stories would be hard to compare. 

so he has his own sense of decoration and if you look into his room, some taxidermy is just fine... 👀

hmmm idk about “bless” in his case because of reasons mentioned above but thats a conversation he will have with you

 He is also very keen on music, so thats also a topic to discuss. he is probably more into classicals, but he just wants to learn more about his partner to be able to fully love and understand them. so if it means listening to Dolly Parton, then so be it. 

[scorpiosanssexy]

hello~ could i please request a roomate matchup?? i'm an INTJ/INTP (when i did the test i goth both??), sagittarius, enneagram type 6 and ravenclaw. i have anxiety and so i mostly keep to myself unless you're my friend then it's an another story. i spend my time learning languages or drawing, watching kdramas or ghibli, reading manga. i can cook (i'm a vegetarian) but i LOVE baking especially for others. i'm suffering from ed and depression so i guess i want someone who'll understand me. (1)🍑

i'm definitely a night owl and can sleep until noon. i can't sleep without a small light or white noise/asmr. i listen to music a lot and i sign in choir. i also love memes and vines so expect me to send them and quote them a lot. i can be a little bossy when it comes to cleaning since mess irritates me. i have an asthma and dust mite allergy so i have an air purifier in my room. my aesthetic switches from yumi kawaii to pastel to dark academia to goth. (2)🍑

when it's night you can find me looking out the window to look at the stars (i have an obsession with astronomy). i definitely want to adopt a cat (even though i'm allergic to them) or a dog. i also love psychology. sorry if it was too long. (3)🍑thank you so much and have a great day!!

-----

Dear User,

congratulations, we have found you a potential roommate. We have throughly looked through your application and we hope you are happy with your result. Below this post are all the details about them. 

Yours Sincerely

The Accommodation Team

now, this may come as a bit of a susprise to you, I know, I am still in shock that I picked him tbh 

Name: Oikawa Tooru

Birthday: 20th July (Cancer)

MBTI: ENFJ

But i have my reasons 

Oikawa is someone who brings the best out of all his teammates and he knows of their strenghts and weaknesses, this leads me to believe he is a very peceptive person and can pick up on social cues very quickly 

He can tell when you start to feel anxious in any social situation, so you too work as a little team. 

The plan goes as follows, when he see’s that you are feeling out of depth he usually comes up with some lame exucse as to why he needs to leave etc..... 

I Need to take the dog for a walk, (Mattsun+ Makki: you don’t even have a dog)

But dues to his charms most people fall for it, leaving him to be your knight in shining armour as he likes to call it and take you to a more relaxing place

more like doofus in plaid shorts

I know that a lot of people see Oikawa as someone who is a bit superfical, but that is not the case 

He is a cancer after all so he is extremely empathatic 

He always sits and listens to you and when you have your depressive episodes, I feel like he would dress you up and go for a huge shopping spree with you and spoil you rotton 

of course, if you just wanted a hug that is fine too 

Oikawa is a very insecure boi, so if you depression was based upon your self-esteem, he would definetely offer you some advice and you too would just cry it out 

I feel like he would 100% understand you 

Now, i see you are into K-dramas, let’s just say that Oikawa learned flirting from the best 

only kidding 

When you both have a free night, you will binge agressively all your favourite shows with popcorn and some rosé wine 

yes oikawa is a rosé wine drinker 

You guys definetely yell at the characters a lot, like they can actually hear you 

NOOOOOO! WHY DO YOU PICK HIM,

OOHHH! NOW HE IS FIT 

by the end of the night you both in laughing fits or crying tears maybe a little bit of both

now because he was in brazil for some time, Oikawa did pick up a little bit of Portugease

He is in slight awe when he see’s you practicing your languages, he will come and ask you to teach him swear words i am sorry 

also loves your drawing too, he likes to hang them around the place and show them off to Iwaizumi 

he acts as if he has drawn them 

When it comes to you being a vegetarian, when it is off season I could see Oikawa becoming one too 

you guys would give each other diffferent meal ideas and stuff and sometimes cook together 

If you make him milk bread he might just have to marry you on the spot 

Oikawa is an night owl too and he has a bad habit that when he wants to perfect something he obsesses over it 24/7

you too would be having breakfast together in 1 in the afternoon 

you would try and encourage each other to have a better sleep schuele 

then at 3am you would see each other go to bed 

you see now I am disappointed with the both of us

Now Oikawa is scared of the dark so he has to sleep with his lava lamp (exposed)

he is not fussed with your lights or asmr at all 

hell, he probably listens to it now because of you (makes him less scared of the dark)

He will come and watch when you sing in choir too (also what group where you in because I was in the mezzo soprano group) 

Oikawa likes it when you are bossy, i feel like you are someone who doesn’ t take his crap so ffs Oikawa please stop leaving dirty cups everywhere 

you have Iwaizumi on speed dial if Oikawa doesn’t clean his shit up so he can kick him 

Also, Oikawa is not a memer, you, makki and mattsun could be literally speaking vines to each other and Oikawa would just be pouting from the other side of the room 

But Oikawa is very happy that you are making friends and smiling 

Oikawa is the CEO of buying air purifier 

he says it makes his skin go bad but in reality he just really likes all the smells 

also makes sure you have your inhaler with you at all times too

Now, as I was saying before when you and Oikawa have your deep chats this definetely takes place on the rooftop with the pair of you looking out to the stars 

Oikawa is the biggest Astronomey nerd ever to exist, so when big celestrial events happen (ie: Supermoons and Lunar Eclispes) you guys will get loads of blankets and some food too and watch the stars together 

this is also where you talk about your hopes and dreams and probably where Oikawa’s facade slips completely 

this is making me soft uwu

Oikawa likes that your aesthetic changes from time to time 

becuase that means apartment makeovers 

or just trips to ikea lol 

Overall, you have a perceptive, kind-hearted and slightly overdramatic roommate

Other Potential Matches: Sugawara Koushi and Akaashi Keiji

Thank you so much for your patience 

[kayliemusing]

21

1. Is there something you have been trying to learn lately?  - There’s kind of a few, because I feel like they all tie into one. Self acceptance is a big one, self-discipline, productivity, and trusting in God (which has proven to be the hardest thing. It hurts to trust in something you don’t see the outcome of, but it hurts too much not to trust in God.)

2. If you ever feel like you are different from your extended family, in which ways is this?  - My dad/s side of the family is really toxic. There’s a lot of hypocrisy, drama, mental illness, drug addictions, and religiousness on that side (and when I say religious, I mean shame-y religion which I don’t agree with at all.) But my dad was really different from them. He was very kind, open to council, very steady and stable despite coming from such a dysfunctional background, and he loved God so truly that a lot of that pure ‘religion’ that exists within his family was broken off of him, and then I have my mom too, who is very fun, kind, caring, etc, so I grew up around more normalcy than my cousins did. My parents just parented me well and they talked about God to me and my sister a lot in such a good way that I never grew up around pure, shame-y, rule-bound religion which I think is the explanation why I (and my sister) are very different from our extended family. My dad died when I was fifteen so I don’t see that side very often, especially because they’re just entirely chaotic and dysfunctional so when I am around them it’s way more noticeable how different we are. (Sorry for big explanation. I’m in a super reflective mood lol.)

3. When you think about your future career, do you envision yourself becoming the head honcho or CEO? If not, why not?  - I’ve always kind of wanted to have this leader-esque feeling to my career, but no, I don’t see myself being a CEO. I really just want to be an author so I guess I would have some level of being a leader to my own business, but not quite on a CEO type level. Right now, I’m trying to focus on fiction but I’m easily overwhelmed by it so I have been considering other mediums of writing. I just don’t know what that is or what fits right.

4. Is there something that you are sort of weird about talking about? Like, a thing that other people find casual, but you feel uncomfortable when the subject comes up? - Sex, is the first thing that comes to mind, but not sex in general. More like the conversations that are too much, you know? Lol. Some people go really into detail or can be graphic about their sex lives and I’m just like, please don’t. I don’t mind generically talking about it, but there’s a line.   5. Can you think of a time when you seriously misjudged a music artist based on their name?  - I don’t think so. 

6. Do you ever make negative comments about other body types? How does it make you feel when you see or hear negative comments about your body type, or a physical trait that you have (even when it’s not directed at you)?  - Sometimes I have the tendency to judge other body types (i.e. I really don’t like the thigh gap look), but it’s never malicious and I’m always trying to be aware that others can’t help what they look like and if they’re happy in their body, that’s what matters. I struggle with disordered eating and kind of sit on that line between having an eating disorder and not having one so I’m very sensitive about my body and its type. I have a chubby tummy and I’m so insecure that it’s not flat that when I hear anyone say anything negative about not having a flat stomach it’ll ruin my day or I’ll just feel really ashamed.

7. If you are in a situation where you feel like you are being attacked or not respected, how easy or difficult is it for you to stay and keep your head rather than leave in a huff?  - I’ll usually leave the conversation. Maybe slam a door lol. I’ll usually stand my ground until I finally feel like I’m not heard or no one cares and then I’m out.

9. When you think about how attractive you feel and your favorite features, are you comparing yourself to a societal ideal?  - Yes. I happen to be well-acquainted with the comparison game.

10. If you have a favorite song right now: What is it? How did you first hear it? Why do you like it so much?  - My favourite song is probably Coney Island by Taylor Swift right now. It’s from Taylor’s new album Evermore, but I have a couple on that album that tie for my favourite song right now (Honorable mentions: Willow, Cowboy Like Me, Tis The Damn Season). I absolutely love how poetic this song is and I think one of my all time favourite lyrics she has ever written is in that song: “If I can’t relate to you anymore then who am I related to?” This song for me just feels like I’m reading a poem and I just sink right into the story she’s telling. 

11. Have you ever had someone that has been your friend for a while come to you and tell you they had romantic feelings for you? How did you respond, and did the friendship survive?  - I did have a friend of mine tell me they had feelings for me. We had become friends in the eighth grade and then he confessed his feelings for me in the ninth grade, I told him I didn’t feel the same way but we stayed friends and it didn’t ruin anything, and then he confessed again in the eleventh grade and I said no to him again. After that final rejection, we never really made it back to being friends for a few reasons a) We stopped being in the same classes, b) I think he was really hurt and c) his friend (who is most dramatic than a girl by the way, and ironically dating one of my friends at the time) stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and gave his two cents and that was kind of when it fell apart. I didn’t really know his friend so it was weird that he had this narrative of me that he said “was leading X on” when I was just trying to be his friend but it’s whatever now. That was when I was like sixteen lol. 

12. Hypothetically speaking, if Hillary Clinton were running for President as a democrat against Chris Christie as a republican in 2016, who do you predict would win the election?  - Well, since it’s 2021 now, I would predict that Trump would win and divide America. 

13. When you are getting to know someone new online (particularly someone male), how cautious are you of the possibility that they are serial killer/kidnapper? - I honestly never think of this, mostly because we live in such an online world now and I’m an adult. I don’t really know how much of this still happens, but you just don’t hear about it anymore. Not to mention, if it is a male, it’s most likely a pedophile (which is still gross) rather than a killer or kidnapper.

14. If you are talking to someone that you want to get to know, what are your go-to conversation topics? What subject makes you disappointed when another person isn’t interested in or knowledgable about it? - Tbh I feel like I’m really bad at conversations and I don’t know how to lead them because I’m quiet and scared of looking stupid. I know I really like deep conversations more than basic questions. However, it’s very important that I know their opinion on Taylor Swift because if there’s a chance they don’t like Taylor Swift, I already know that the person is probably not worth my time. For real though, if I’m having a conversation with someone, I usually get disappointed if I find out they’re a partier or drink a lot, because I’m really not into any of that stuff so it’s immediately like playing the Sims and having the minus sign appear above my head.

15. Say you have a lot of free time and want to join a club or class. You are browsing postings on local bulletin boards and online. What sort of group would you be interested in joining (e.g., book club, game group, crafts, golf lessons, etc.)? - A romance-only book club, DIY club.

16. Have you ever kissed someone that you didn’t really want to kiss (not assault, just indifference)? Why did you go along with it and how did you feel after?  - Nah I’ve never been kissed

17. Have you recently learned anything about your personality? If not, have you ever consciously tried to change your personality? - Sort of recently, it was something I discovered last year which is that I’m a neurotic perfectionist and what I mean by that is I’m a perfectionist in a very self destructive way. I’ve always known I was ‘particular’ or others would say ‘has high-standards/expectations’ but I realized that it’s literally just perfectionism.

18. Are you or any of your friends in a sorority or fraternity? Would you be interested in belonging to one?  - No and I don’t really understand what they are or why they’re a thing.

19. Can you recall a recent time that you were surprised, but in a bad way? - Yes. When my job eluded that they thought I was stealing from the registers. This happened around September 2020? Basically they didn’t flat out say that’s what they thought, but they made comments that the tills were either short or over at the ends of the night whenever I would be working and dead ass said “it looks suspicious”. I think it was surprising because I’ve worked there was two years and really felt like they should have known my character. (I literally am afraid of getting in trouble for the smallest things and they seriously thought I was capable of stealing from them lmao)

20. Do you feel uncomfortable when you receive praise for doing certain things? If so, does this make you less likely to do those things?  - No totally the opposite. I really struggle with validation and I never feel good enough, which is something I’m working on, but it feels almost like I thrive on praise. Maybe it’s because my love language is words of affirmation?? I just always like/need to know when I’m doing a good job so when I don’t get praise or validation my self esteem plummets. 

21. Do you make spontaneous purchases often or rarely? When you are upset does it make you temporarily happier to buy yourself something new?  - Spontaneous purchases, often because I have no self control lol, but lately I’ve been working hard to try to save more. And yes when I’m upset, it does make me feel better to buy things.

22. If you have to wake up early for something, what time is just TOO early for you to be there and be presentable and sentient? Have you ever had to be somewhere that early?  - 5 am. I think I can manage 6 am, but anything before that is a no from me. I used to work at 5 am when I worked at Chapters, but it was a nice shift because I finished work at 10 am and then went home and napped for two hours and then had literally the entire day.

23. Have the majority of your romantic relationships started with a physical attraction or a deeper connection? - I’ve never had a romantic relationship oops. But at least I read romance novels every day (and I write romance too!) I’ll try to answer this based on what I think would happen. I think it would start as a physical attraction and I think a lot of relationships start that way but they become something when you have a real connection. I think there are relationships that can start the other way though too, but I’d say for me it’ll probably be physical attraction first. 

24. Do you ever catch any of those conspiracy shows on Animal Planet, like Bigfoot hunting or proof of Mermaids? Do those shows make your more or less likely to believe in the existence of such creatures?  - No, but I DO watch ghost conspiracy theories/”REAL GHOST CAUGHT ON CAMERA” videos on Youtube for fun. But no I don’t believe in any of that stuff. 

25. Did you ever write a fan letter to a celebrity? How about submit something to a magazine? - I’ve never technically written a fan letter to a celebrity but I wrote a post on tumblr to Taylor Swift a couple years ago that she’ll never see lol. And I’ve never submitted anything to a magazine, but I’d like to one day. 

[purplesurveys]

743

Name something that you saw within the past week that made you smile: A local celebrity posted the very first photo of her newborn on her Instagram and tbh it was something we’ve all just been lowkey waiting for because that couple is super attractive and stylish and we’ve always wanted to see how the kid would look like. Simply put, the baby is the cutest ever and she’s so pretty and gah she just looks like such an angel. Name something within the past week that made you frown: There’s been a lot of upsetting stuff on the news, but the worst has been when policemen shot a man that they thought was going to pull out a gun. Turned out that said man was 1) pulling out a water bottle and 2) a former soldier suffering from PTSD and the standoff was actually greatly upsetting him. Welcome to the Philippines where the police are still hellbent on using their guns in the middle of a public health crisis. Name somebody who you wish would cut you a break sometimes: My mom always has something to criticize about me. Name somebody you know who deserves a better life than they have: Andrew. I don’t want to share their life story on here but suffice it to say it’s been a lot and it’s been rough, and they deserve a goddamn break. Name something you own that has high sentimental value: Probably the tickets to the first museum Gabie and I went to together, six years ago. Museum dates have long been my dream date and that was one amazing day, so I'm really glad I made the decision to keep it.

Name something that you hope is different by this time next year: Obviously the virus being gone but also the terms that are in place for now because of it, like halting foreign travel or not being able to go to the mall. Name something that you're good at but don't like: Arguing or confrontation. I can come up with good arguments and I pride myself on being able to speak well whether publicly or not; and in fact my parents have always asked me why I never took up debate or if I have any interest in pursuing law – but I actually hate it. I hate the ever-looming possibility of suddenly not knowing how to respond or rebut; plus the very nature of two clashing sides simply stresses me out. Name something that you're bad at but DO like: Singing, at least when I’m alone in my car. Also baking! I find it really fun but I always have to bake with someone who’s more experienced than I am. Name something that you like about the person you argue most with: She’s very organized and can make anything clean and spotless no matter how dirty and stained they’ve gotten. Name something that you strongly believe in: That the world will eventually be a lot kinder to LGBT couples with families. I have to believe in it; I want the world to be gentle to my kids. One day at a time, folks. Name something was funny to you but not to anybody else: Idk man, if it isn’t funny to anyone else it’s probably offensive. Name somebody who has tried to help you and ended up hurting you: My mom’s love languages seem to be criticism and a lot of tough love. Long story short, they are not mine. Name something that you had to learn the hard way: No matter how nice you are to everyone, there’ll always be people who will remain extremely cold and shitty for absolutely no reason and you can’t blame or be upset with them if that’s just the way they are. I learned this in PE class when I forgot to follow a certain instruction and I personally went to the coach to apologize, but she literally turned her back on me and completely ignored me. I wasn’t used to such a treatment so I vented to Angela about it after and told her how unfair I felt it was, but I understood it after she told me that no matter how much Catholic school (and common sense, tbh) taught us to have good manners and greet everyone we see and be nice and polite, none of that shit will always matter in the real world, when we get thrown in the mix with people who now come from different, sometimes rougher backgrounds. Name a date that has a lot of significance to you: March 16. It’s the birthday we made up for Kimi. Name something that you didn't like when you were younger but like now: Chicken curry. I found the flavor too strong when I was a kid, but I had no idea Indian food was gonna end up being my favorite cuisine when I got older lol. Name something that you liked when you were younger but don't like now: I’d say Spongebob? To this day I’ll still only watch the episodes I grew up seeing but I can’t bother with the newer seasons. The way they are drawn is too different and unfamiliar, the humor isn’t the same anymore, and they’ve introduced so many third-party characters it’s hard to keep track. I’ll always give it a lot of credit for being a very important part of my childhood though. Name something in your life that was a blessing in disguise: Deciding to skip out on joining my current org in freshie year. I joined the year after and the batch I turned out to be a part of was the biggest applicant batch for the org in recent memory, and all my closest friends in college have been from that batch, like JM, Laurice, Aya, Jo, Kate, Jum, and Hannah. Name something that you've done that would be considered rebellious: I didn’t submit a single final project for home economics in 6th grade. That year’s home ec was focused on embroidery, sewing, and crocheting and I just didn’t give a shit about all three back then. I still have no clue how I left that class with a mark of 91. Name something that you wish you never found out: If it’s something I wish I never found out it means it greatly upset me, and I don’t wanna go racking my brain for stuff that greatly upset or triggered me. Name something that you dislike about the majority of girls: Not majority anymore but some girls will still have the let’s-pit-these-two-women-against-each-other mindset and it’s just so old now. Name something you like about the majority of guys: I don’t think there’s one. Name something you wish you had enough money to do: Keep traveling, durrrr. Name something that you wish you could say to somebody: I had very high expectations for you as a prof but your response to the virus re: online classes has been disappointing to say the least. To think we all thought you cared for students’ welfare. Name something that you wish somebody would say to you: That they were gonna come over to my place in a bit. Name something that you wish you had the ability to fix: I wish I had enough money to go ahead and fix the stuff that that piece of shit Jeff Bezos and other selfish billionaires are too lazy to fix, like ending world hunger or providing clean water. I’m feeling so strongly about that now after seeing this amazing infograph someone made about just how much money he has. Name something "bad" you've done on purpose to somebody else: I was feeling petty on the first Sunday that my mom made our entire family sit around her phone to watch a livestream of a mass, so before it started I made sure I had Netflix (which HOOOOOGS bandwidth) turned on both my laptop and phone. The stream ended up being shitty and skipped a lot of parts of the mass. Definitely wasn’t the best daughter that day and even I was surprised at whatever came over me for me to do something that mischievous. I never did it again lmao. Name something you could never forgive a person for: If they abused their pet. Name something you're lucky to have: My dog.

[downn-in-flames]

i was tagged in a thing by the wonderful @elanev91 a few days ago, and i’m finally getting around to answering it!!

Rules: answer these 21 questions, then tag 21 people you want to get to know better. (heads up trying to think of 21 full people to tag is stressful, i’ll probably get to like 8 and panic)

Nickname: uh, i tend to get TK or TayKay quite a bit. i had a teacher in high school who exclusively referred to me as girl scout for the entire last semester. other than that, i got nothing.

Height: 5′7

Last Movie I Saw: bohemian rhapsody. if you’re thinking ‘damn, didn’t that leave theatres ages ago?’... that’s exactly how often i get around to watching movies.

Last Thing I Googled: "constellations you can see in scotland in may”  lol clearly i’m working on a fic here

Favorite Musician: taylor swift probably? tbh i’m just generally a big fan of most female artists with good lyrics and good beats.

Song Stuck in my Head: “queen” by loren gray - once again, big fan of girl power bops.

Other Blogs: i’m on staff for @hpfanfictalk , so i’m occasionally on that one? and @gryffindorhpft as well - but those are more taylor-doing-official-site-things, whereas this blog is much more taylor-does-whatever-the-hell-she-likes (you should follow them both tho ~shameless promo~)

Do I Get Asks: occasionally! i’m about as good at responding to them as i am at responding to text messages - that is to say, sometimes it’s immediate and sometimes it takes three weeks.

Following: 300ish?

Amount of Sleep: like 7 hours most of the time?

Lucky Number: coincidentally, 7. idk why i picked that one up but i did. 3′s also one for some reason, and i’m particularly fond of 73 as a result. where did any of this come from? no fucking clue.

What I’m Wearing: workout leggings, some weird strappy sports bra under both an oversized adidas sweatshirt and a vest, and converse. i just got back from the gym and am procrastinating getting in the shower haha.

Dream Job: tbh if i could live my whole life being some sort of instagram influencer (although NOT the type that sells shitty detox teas and hair vitamins because both of those products are garbage, and advocating unhealthy weight loss is like, the opposite of okay, but like, the type that travels the world and shit - that seems like a fun life)

Dream Trip: i really want to get back to london/the uk in general at some point this year? i’ve got some friends from when i was at oxford that i’d love to see, as well as heaps of internet friends that i want to finally meet in person.

Favorite Food: french fries, donuts, and sesame tofu from the chinese takeout place down the street.

Play an Instrument: i can still sorta play piano? i was great at it as a kid but definitely haven’t played as much since, and now all i’m good for is chords and the occasional simple melody.

Languages: english is the only one i’m fluent in. i can read and write french pretty well, but for some reason i’m trash at comprehending spoken french. i also know some basic spanish, but for some reason my brain gets confused and i like to respond to spanish with french - i did this a lot in costa rica last week and it became an ongoing joke with the bartenders

Favorite Songs: of all time? oh god. so “i did something bad” by tswift is up there pretty high, as is  “blank space,” and my freshman year roommate will happily attest to just how much i listened to that one when it came out. “mr. brightside” by the killers for nostalgic reasons. also “galway girl” by ed sheeran, because i weirdly associate it with one of my favourite nights in oxford? and, uhhhh, “closer” by the chainsmokers/halsey is a guilty pleasure one. “good together” by shy martin. “you should see me in a crown” by billie eilish. “sugarcoat” by jaira burns. “power” by little mix. “without me” by halsey. y’all, my music taste is objectively just straight pop - especially fuck-you-i’m-a-badass-type-pop (lol), so if you were expecting anything edgy i’m sorry to disappoint lol.

Random Fact: my team won a world championship for competitive cheerleading when i was in high school. 

Describe Yourself as Aesthetic Things: iced coffee in mason jars. gold glitter than somehow sticks to everything and you find on all your stuff like 6 months later. a handful of dark red liquid lipsticks. a corgi in a sweater. an entire drawer full of overpriced gym clothes, organized by color. coffee mugs with swear words on them.

tagging @adorablycutenonsense @drownout-thenoise @women-inthe-sequel @maraudersftw @shit-sass-and-sarcasm honestly i ran out of energy even earlier than expected, but if you’re reading this then tag you’re it too

but also if you’ve been tagged already or don’t want to do this whole damn thing, that’s totally fine too haha

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

I think the experience of reading should be a private, restful thing.

I’m speaking as both a reader and a fic writer, here.

When I pick up a book, I do so without the expectation that I must personally speak to the author who wrote it. Regardless of whether I’ve paid the author with money or borrowed that book for free at the library or from a friend or I’ve read a work an author put online for free, I do not think the author has the right to demand I take myself out of that private space to give them social interaction.

I believe no reader should be feel obligated - be it by social custom or by sheer guilt - to speak to me as a fic writer. I do not believe the desire to read a work of fiction in the privacy of your own comfort should ever involve any sense of responsibility or social interaction. I do not believe the desire for privacy can be categorized as “greed” or “selfishness,” and in fact I resent that kind of deliberately guilt-tripping language, which feels designed to coerce.

As someone writing fic in a nearly-dead fandom, I understand how much we crave feedback. I understand how good it feels to get it, and how disappointing it can be to not receive it. It feels like “rejection” sometimes, even if it’s not.

But I NEVER turn that disappointment or that fear of rejection into resentment and anger towards the silent reader. Nobody is beholden to my feelings. I am not “owed.” I gave my work to the world freely, for others to read freely, and they will interact or disengage freely and on their own terms.

I don’t think some authors realize how much the posts raging against silent readers can start to resemble “Nice Guy” mentalities. It’s not okay to demand that other people interact with you just because you want their attention. I don’t think it’s okay to treat social interactions as if they were monetary transactions. Your feelings are human. The idea of being owed something for your feelings is questionable.

Once, I had a reviewer who braved giving me a review, only for me to put their review in the Author’s Notes of my fic without informing them so I could joyfully respond to their statement. I thought this was a positive interaction, I was delighted to engage with the reader. I discovered later that I’d made that reviewer extremely uncomfortable; she felt unsafe to speak to me because she couldn’t be sure if I’d post her statements in the same place people read the fic. I don’t entirely understand her reasoning (they could read it publicly in the review section), but sometimes our anxieties don’t make a lot of sense. I almost lost that reader because I’d been so focused on my own joyful experience that I didn’t realize I’d forced her to engage in a way she did not want to. That is not the relationship I want to have with my readers in any shape or form. I want readers to feel safe to communicate with me or enjoy my work silently if that’s what makes them comfortable.

And that I feel, is VITAL to the review experience on both sides. I do not want a review that was given out of a sense of guilt or obligation. I want reviews that are given because my readers had the desire to give it.

I don’t know that I would read much fic at all if I was expected to give a review to every work I’ve ever read. Sometimes I read something, discover that it’s not for me, and I leave without expressing those feelings. I should not be obligated to lie. Some people read smut fic or fic for fandoms that embarrass them, and they do not personally feel comfortable pasting their online handles all over the reviews for others to see. Some people just point blank do not speak to others online that they do not know IRL. There are a multitude of reasons why readers do not review that cannot be boiled down to “Greediness.” The act of reading what is made freely available should not be equated with something selfish and ugly.

I remember an earlier time in fandom where we had this concept of “Lurkers,” aka people who consumed fandom content but did not engage. These people had their right to engage the way they felt comfortable, and those who DID interactively engage were the only people that were visible. It may look like old fandom existed in a state of total engagement and “equal exchange,” but the reality was more complex than that. 

The demand that people engage in social media despite their discomfort is a very recent thing, I feel, and it’s not really okay tbh. Your choice to publish your work and the feelings you attribute to that does not by nature have a claim upon other people’s choices of engagement.

[fictionalhell]

Q&A With Aifrit

Overview.

We were given an opportunity to sit down and get a better understanding of who Aifrit is and after having a little fun going over her work we got to asking her a few questions.

The following is a record of the interview held by Zieg, Hail, Astro, and Luie with author Aifrit.

Q: So, we just recently started covering your fanfiction titled “Farronheit” and we where interested in knowing when exactly did you start writing “Farroncest” and why?

A: 2012. I distinctly remember sitting inside a classroom building in my softmore year of college waiting for my next class and was like “fuck I wanna write some Farroncest... but should I even do that? that lowkey sounds kinda immoral ew” because I found the FFXIII Kink Meme and there were some quality kink prompts on there and a handful of Farroncest ones. I remember sometime before even this I read some Farroncest fic about Lightning ravaging Serah in a bathroom during dinner with Snow and I was like “YOOOO THIS IS WHY PEOPLE WRITE THIS SHIP??” I felt so conflicted because I initially was like “why the FUCK would anyone write this ship???”

So then that day in that classroom building I just decided to write it and do it. And thus Bonding was born. Bonding is my first Farroncest fic ever and also my first smut fic ever. Looking back at it now, it’s really awkward to read and I cringe when I see it but I guess we gotta start somewhere huh?

Q: Do you write professionally or just as a hobby?

A: I don’t know if I could ever write professionally. I write too slowly tbh. It takes me ages just to write a couple thousand words if I’m not super in the mood. I do web development professionally, as well as a hobby, but as far as other hobbies? I love art but I never pursued it as much as I did writing because I always saw how bad my art was but it was hard to see how bad my writing was. I do love doing pixel art from time to time. I wanna get better at art and pixel art and I keep telling myself to, but I need to buckle down and actually deal with it, ugh.

Q: I’ve seen your pairing choices for your fanfictions so far but I have to ask, what was your first ship?

A: Definitely Kagome/Sesshoumaru before I even knew what shipping was. Good ol’ FF.net days. Q: You’ve come a long way and in that time you’ve written a good number of pieces. Which one of your works are you most proud of?

A: Blue Dream, the Lanille fic. I really wanted to capture that whole weird, floaty feeling of being high, and that feeling that time passes in like... scenes?? Like you can’t fully remember everything that happens but you get snippets of very specific things you do when you’re out — that’s why the last page or two of paragraphs are broken up so differently than the rest of the fic, like little micro screnes. I had a fucking blast writing that piece and I really hope other people enjoy it as much as I did. There’s a lot more I can say about it, including the minor reference to Final Fantasy IV and my decisions regarding how the smut scene was written. I could go into detail a bit if people cared haha.

Q: So, when you are writing, who or what is your inspiration when you write?

A: I started writing when I was little but I didn’t really have any real inspirations then. I wrote because it was fun to create something from almost nothing. The past few years I’ve had a couple inspirations. One writer from tumblr who wrote Princess Bubblegum/Marceline (Bubbline) fics from Adventure Time. They were EXTREMELY well-written. I mean that person’s just an amazing writer overall. What I loved about their writing was how they wrote in present tense. I don’t think I’d really seen this before and I loved how it made everything seem like it was happening now and not being retold by the narrator. Eventually they wrote less Bubbline, but they also got really annoying with their posting so I unfollowed. Oh well.

 Now I don’t have many inspirations now, but I can say that as far as fanfiction is concerned, I do really wish I could write as well as SapphireSmoke. I haven’t read all her fics, but every one I do read is just so well-crafted and interesting, and the smut is top notch. I’m always fascinated every time I read a fic (they’re so long tho!).

 Q: I understand you are currently on a hiatus, but what can we expect when you make your return to writing?

A: So the biggest reason why I’m on hiatus is because I have no motivation due to a variety of things (adulting, breakup, etc). I also haven’t felt very great about my writing for a long time and I’m trying to take a break to maybe regain some confidence. In any case, there’s a lot of stuff I wanna write when I start back up. I’ve been on a serious Doki Doki Literature Club kick. Love the idea of Monika trying to be the perfect girlfriend for the Player character, and I’d love to see them in some unorthodox fics like college settings where the game either doesn’t exist or exists in some other form.

I’d also love to write more Lanille. I still love this pairing a lot and can do a lot more with it, unlike the Farrons (still wanna write them too but they’re getting difficult). And there’s more that I wanna write too for other pairings including Fang/Serah and Paine/Rikku.

 Q: Are you done with writing about the Farron sisters?

A: I am not done writing the Farrons. There’s still prompts I wanna do for Farronheit and I’d like to add to that until I completely burn out of them for good. They are definitely getting difficult to write. They feel too same-y, like there’s always some element of me making sure to show that their relationship is taboo, and then Serah using Snow as some sort of Lightning bait.... It gets repetitive.

 Q: Outside of the erotic or smutty kind of stories what else have you written?

A: So I’m a gigantic werewolf fan and like inserting them into anything. I’ve liked them since I was a kid (probably Bloody Roar’s fault) and enjoy writing them as well. I’ve been disappointed with how werewolves are portrayed in media — boring ass one-dimensional movie monsters that are only good for killing. That gets stale. I wanted to write werewolves doing more shit — having families, lives, social circles, dealing with puberty and the shifting stage, dealing with their significant others and getting the courage to tell the ones who are human about their identity. I feel like those make more interesting stories. I literally am so obsessed with werewolves, I took the time out to do mass amounts of research to craft my own personal werewolf species to use as a basis for any werewolf fics I write after that. It needs to be edited heavily.

 Q: Anything you don’t write?

 A: I don’t have the stamina or speed to write a multichaptered fic, really, or at least a coherent one. I’ve tried with a Lanille once, and now I don’t want to finish the fic at all. Content-wise, and as far as smut, there are, of course, a list of kinks I am definitely not interested in and will never write. But it’s too hard to say on a general level.

Q: Do you have any issues with making sure your staying as true to the characters as possible? For example projecting yourself onto them. A: Lightning's personality is kinda close to my own so she's fairly easy to write. I can throw a lot more of myself into her and (hopefully) make her sound more realistic. Serah is a bit more difficult because her personality differs from mine so much (Vanille as well). I tried to do a lot of research on the characters before I wrote them so I played the game over, took note of different things like body language and verbal tics. like Lightning has a tendency to say "Right" when she faces an awkward or difficult situation and rolls her eyes a lot. Vanille bounces around a lot .

We’d like to thank Aifirit for taking the time to make this interview possible. @fyeahnix