#it's got a weird quality to it i'm still experimenting trying to find the best video to gif converter. but at least it isn't grainy

[namisweatheria]

Opening 25 and 26 had these little moments that reminded me of each other so I put them together

[triviallytrue]

I know webnovels are kind of irrelevant compared to... everything else, but do you have any recommendations in the vein of those you've talked about/posted before?

I'm currently caught up on Pale Lights and TWI, and I'm trying to fill out my schedule to one new chapter a week without resorting to catching up on wildbow's work, or rereading Practical Guide until aforementioned have a backlog. Completed works are fine as well.

Here's my full webserial opinions list, with the general caveat that webserials are, on average, longer, more poorly paced, and less polished than print novels, and if you aren't hooked pretty early on you should probably drop it:

Finished or currently caught up:

A Practical Guide to Evil

The gold standard of the medium imo, definitely my favorite. It has its flaws like any other, but I feel more comfortable recommending it than most.

Pale Lights

PGTE's author's new work. Still in progress, imo has even more going for it than PGTE does. The setting is more original and the shape of the plot plays to the author's strengths more. Very fun first book, maybe my first recommendation.

Worm

The experience of reading Worm is not very good, but the experience of having read Worm is great. Incredibly compelling story with shitty execution. Is it worth it? I dunno.

HPMOR

The 2% of people who won't find HPMOR too insufferable to read have already read it. Everyone else, steer clear.

UNSONG

Both short and polished by web serial standards. Weird, irreverent, mostly gets better as it goes. Some people will be put off by it, but if you like the first few chapters I think it's excellent.

Did not finish:

Ward

The sequel to Worm. Ward has all of the same issues as Worm with none of the redeeming qualities. Even if you really liked Worm, you still probably shouldn't read Ward.

Pale

By the same author as Worm and Ward, and (I think?) generally considered to be his best work (or best since Worm). I liked it but ended up petering out partway through - it's long even by webserial standards. Will probably pick it up again someday.

The Wandering Inn

I think the longest work of fiction in the English language? Or maybe any language? In a medium full of prolific authors, pirateaba puts them all to shame. Surprisingly decent, but nowhere near good enough to justify its length.

Almost Nowhere

Deeply weird, incredibly compelling, dense enough that I got stuck when I was trying to power through it. Will return to it sooner or later.

Are there more? There's definitely more. But this is off the top of my head, and most of the rest is schlock that is not worth mentioning.

[coolfire333]

Still thinking about the mercs as parents...I'm being really indulgent and assuming they're all good with kids in their own way, in the sense that they really would love a child of their own (even if they're terrible influences or let their kids do dangerous things) but anyway here's my thoughts on each of them as dads:

Scout: not used to being responsible for someone else since he's everyone's favorite youngest child of 8. He's a bit awkward with it and scared at first but he'll catch on eventually. He's not the best influence though and definitely teaches his kid things that shouldn't be taught to young children. Family means a lot to him considering his own dad left early in his life so he'll always try to be there for his own kid

Soldier: who let this man have a child. He loves his kid with all his heart but he is a terrible influence in the sense that he doesn't understand how fragile children can be until they get older. He tries his best and likes roughhousing and playing strategic games like capture the flag so at least he's fun to be around

Pyro: surprisingly good with kids! He's got a childish whimsy that translates very well into keeping children entertained. He'll probably play pretend with his kid for hours if you let him. He'll teach his kid all about the usefulness and beauty of fire (and probably commit a ton of arson in the process so he's not exactly an ideal role model)

Demoman: very loyal to his family (despite how messed up his backstory with his parents is) so he'd do anything for his child. Not the most attentive dad in the world but he tries his best and would never do anything to hurt his kid. He is very chill and goes with the flow when it comes to parenting. He's fun at parties and would love to pass the time having a drink with his kid on the porch in the evening

Heavy: he grew up with little sisters so he loves kids and pretty much knows exactly what to do. Most responsible merc when it comes to parenting by far. Loves his family so he'd really find it special to have a kid of his own, he'd probably worry a lot but once the initial fears subside he'd be a great dad. If he has flaws it's that he'd very much baby a kid past an age where that'd be appropriate or wanted so that may seem a bit condescending (he's only doing it because he's extremely protective though)

Engineer: he doesn't entirely know what to do at first but he's very genuine about it. Loves helping his kid make things and playing music together. Would totally kill it at a parent-child science fair making all sorts of weird gadgets that do new (and probably terrible) things. He's got a pretty big heart and is generally pretty tolerant of things that other parents would be annoyed with

Medic: who let this man have a child (part 2). Besides the obvious concerns of him using his own kid as a guinea pig for all kinds of weird experiments he'd actually be an ok dad. Very proud of his child and pays very close attention to stuff like growth milestones. Also would totally kill it at a parent-child science fair. Probably helps his kid make all kinds of weird Frankenstein-esque, cobbled-together toys and is very blunt about the whole "circle of life" thing

Sniper: oh man he has no idea how to do this properly, he's just gonna try to remember how his parents raised him and give it his best shot. He's a bit distant but always makes sure to spend quality time with his kid even if he doesn't say much. Probably takes his kid out for archery lessons, just in case his talent runs in the family. He felt awkward growing up (never knew he wasn't actually Australian by birth) so he makes sure to never treat his own child as less-than

Spy: oh boy. Assuming he actually sticks around to raise a child (this time), he'd actually be a decent dad. He definitely overthinks things, is very strict and overprotective, and is kinda a "no fun allowed" type compared to the other mercs in that he wants his kid to have the most normal and safe life possible. Spends time and effort on a good education, especially regarding the finer things in life. He prays that his kid doesn't "end up like him" despite not really elaborating on what he means by that. Overall he doesn't trust himself to raise a child properly but if forced to he's actually more than capable of it

Anyway these are just my thoughts. Again this is probably not the most realistic but I'm oddly optimistic about this kind of thing, plus I think it's interesting and kinda funny tbh imagining how the mercs might be as fathers :)

[donnerpartyofone]

This is from Adam Bornstein's column in Arnold Schwarzenegger's newsletter, which I feel somewhat silly about reading so faithfully but it is not infrequently interesting. Over the past few years I have been thinking about discipline, how you gain it and lose it, and what it does for you besides achieving a specific outcome. To say that the product of self-control is self-control itself may not sound very enticing, but it's pretty important. I feel like I've lost a lot of that over the last few chapters of my life, and I suspect that it is harder to gain back at my age, but I need to think about it.

I've been thinking about my entire life history with self-control. When I was a kid, I was masochistically disciplined. As early on as I can remember, I had this impression that life was essentially or even exclusively difficult and the only way to justify your existence and satisfy other people was to continuously demonstrate your ability to endure pain, boredom, frustration, deprivation, disappointment, and embarrassment, every hour of every day, forever. (Not that I always endured these things without having a fucking meltdown, but they were the entire content of my life it seemed, so I WAS enduring them) It wasn't all bad, I guess; I got good grades and, like, I remember enjoying karate classes, which are heavily predicated on repetition and endurance and delayed gratification. I had a weird fixation on the army; I didn't fantasize about war or patriotism or whatever, it was this whole thing about how I would be amazing at boot camp and getting yelled at. I also had some sort of bizarre idea about prison, like I would be the best at being a prisoner. This is because I'm a natural-born pervert.

Sometime in my 20s, I started to lose my discipline. I think there were a lot of reasons. A big reason is probably that I didn't have anything to be disciplined FOR. I'd been told my whole life that I was smart and I could be anything I wanted when I grew up, or whatever, so I thought that eventually it would start to become clear what I should do with my life, but it never did. The few things I thought would make a good career for me were things I had no practical understanding of, no idea what it took to make them into a job, so I just didn't do them. This surely means I was never going to be good at them anyway; I think when you're truly interested in something you become compelled by an affectionate curiosity about what you need to learn and do in order to participate in that thing. I may also be too intellectually deficient to have figured out the right questions about my interests, but anyway, all that youthful discipline I had built up to get good grades and satisfy adults didn't really have a purpose when I became an adult myself, so my grip on myself started to slip.

My early adult life was pretty bad. Just the basics of finding jobs and places to live eluded me; I never had the knowledge or the paperwork or the experience or the self-confidence to do the adult things, and I think this was pretty painfully obvious to other adults who were in a position to give me opportunities. I had a sense of being really stunted and way behind where I should be in my personal development, at my age, but I didn't know what to do about it. I did try; there's a perception about me that I just give up and don't try, so I often feel like no one is willing to recognize how often I try and fail, and I'm struggling to let go of my resentment about that. Anyway I continued my early childhood trend of having relationships with pushy, manipulative, abusive people who fed back to me the worst truths about myself, so they seemed very "honest" to me, a quality I admired. I spent most of my time just feeling bad and/or trying to survive social situations. It bothers me now when I think about all the years that I could have spent reading really great books that I still haven't read, trying to write and draw more, watching the movies that I'm still struggling to catch up on, seeing more art. Being in pain is a full-time job, it is incredibly time-consuming, and you will lose a lot more time if, in addition to being in pain, you are spending your evenings not reading Nabokov but watching The Jersey Shore and Mad Men and various other shows about abusive cheaters with your abusive cheating boyfriend who is shouting at the screen about how the girls force the guys to cheat, and who might start screaming at you and keeping you awake for days and chasing you into the closet if you betray the slightest hint of discomfort. All of that is extremely time-consuming.

When life got better, I think I had kind of a revenge reaction against discipline. Like in the early part of my life I had no money, and by the time I had some money I had no understanding of how it worked and no respect for it because I always had this powerful sense that everything is turning into ash before your eyes anyway and nothing is yours so who really cares. So if I got money, I'd just fucking spend it. Being so intensely disciplined as a kid had gotten me nowhere, as far as I could tell, so fuck it, I'm eating fucking candy bars, I'm having another suicidal bodega hoagie for dinner, why the fuck shouldn't I. I will sleep all goddamn day if I want, for days on end, I have a lot of self-indulgence to catch up on!

I'm not completely without discipline as a full-blown adult, I still have plenty of guilt and obligation and fear motivating me to go to the doctor and shit like that. I wish I were more motivated by optimism and a sense of building something, but I must say that doesn't often seem to work. The doctor is often frustrating and ambiguous. Sometimes I get a simple-seeming treatment for a problem, and it destroys a different part of my body and then I have to be on four new medications, and medications to control their side effects. Sometimes I pick up a new form of exercise and I feel good about myself for making an effort, and then the new routine causes problems I need to pay for treatment to fix. It seems I always have to sacrifice one part of myself for another and it's just a perpetual balancing act of barely-normal or sub-normal functioning. I wish it felt more like self-improvement. I wish I could enjoy feeling responsible without then feeling like I made a huge mistake and basically my whole being is just a lemon that does not warrant this much maintenance and concern.

But anyway.

After XX years I just had so many disappointments and made so many unpleasant discoveries, I started to wonder why people say "At least you tried." Like are we SURE that "trying" is, in and of itself, virtuous? Isn't it sometimes that you should "choose your battles" or something? Isn't giving up at least sometimes the actual correct and rational thing to do, when the ROI is nonexistent? What's with the "trying" all the time, what's with the not so subtle suggestion that there's some superior moral affect of trying?

It took me a long time to figure out that making an effort, at anything, even if it doesn't pay off in the specific expected way, builds you into a more resilient and capable person. I did have some counter-examples that helped me see what was going on, of people who performatively did the absolute bare fucking minimum and expected to be showered with praise and encouragement for it, and it was like this big trap to prove that nobody was giving them the unconditional love that they believed they deserved, and being in that behavioral habit all the time eventually rendered them incapable of actually sitting down and writing the thing or making the art or shooting the shot, or whatever, just for the love of doing those things and the curiosity about what could happen if you try. I saw that happening and I did not want to be like that. It painted a very clear picture of what "character" is, what is meant by "building character". The total refusal to ever make yourself uncomfortable doesn't only have specific in-situ destructive effects, but it also makes you a person who is generally less capable of dealing with life.

I want to get back to where I can make myself do things, not only out of fear and shame and masochism, and also not only to obtain a certain result which may not ever come, but just to rebuild self-control. I know that at my age, after a lot of neglect and nihilism, it's going to be harder to get that back. But it's gotta be worth it. I'm thinking about that thing where Arnold Schwarzenegger took ballet lessons to improve his posing, which by his account made him feel totally ridiculous, and like he knew he wasn't going to become a skilled ballerina or anything--but in the short term it did improve his poses, and in the longer term it made him more capable of doing things that felt embarrassing and hard and that he wasn't necessarily cut out for. That seems like a reasonable goal for me.

[zenaidamacrouras1]

Hi!!!! I hope this long unasked-for tumblr missive finds you very well!Sorry to crash into your inbox and randomly rant a Stucky AU idea at you but it's happening, also it's your fault bc I got this idea after reading all your wonderful wonderful Stucky AU fics.

ok ok so

what if

It's all New Yorky and Brooklyn-y. They each live in Brooklyn apartments but are from slightly different worlds.

Bucky is a sweet beefcake composite of all the wholesome Male Archetype tropes: protective, folksy, tough n strawng, stands by his word, pretty basic and square, fruit of the loom tshirts levi jeans, have a beer after work with the guys, this here's the best pizza/hot dog/etc in New York, and so on. -I've been telling myself the vibe I want is in the scene from No Country For Old Men when Llewellyn Moss goes into the clothing store and needs a whole new outfit and the guy says "we only got white socks" and Moss says "I only wear white" and the store guy clearly approves it's this whole cowboy moment and it's like OK??? You're in very dire need to be expressing that as a hard principle??? So dumb except it's also so great.- Bucky is devoted to his mom and his sisters who he probably helped raise, but he has a cliche good role model blue-collar dad (who maybe died years ago). He is every (non-shitty) older-brother trope and most dad tropes.

Steve is pre-serum Steve. He just has all the pre-serum Steve qualities aka is a highly principled spitfire who never stops fighting and whose perspective is colored by living with chronic illness and pain and not meeting the Male Physical Ideal. Art and education led him to college scholarships and then law school but he was raised by hardworking nurse single mom Sarah, so he's not a rich lawyer but a beleaguered one fighting on behalf of the little guy. Still a more middle-class and intellectual existence than Bucky's, particularly in Bucky's eyes.( Always love pre-serum Steve and his experiences in society in any decade bc we are so weird about gender identity and he shows that in so many ways.) (Also I just have always had intense irrational tender protective love for small sprites of men that I keep under wraps bc they are grown adult humans.)

These two come into each other's lives because of Something With Unions and Labor Disputes in NYC. Ahem. I started researching NY labor disputes and didn't know where to dive in. I have zero knowledge or context or background except for that season of the Wire with the longshoreman union. BUT anyway Bucky is some kind of super generational blue-collar union dude. It's entirely possible he suffered an injury to his left arm that took him more away from the physical side of things and got him more involved with the union. Either way he's a part of a union that is engaging in a Righteous Dispute with the employer. It's all very labor rights and worker justice, things which I believe in strongly but am so embarrassingly under-educated about.

And STEVE is a lawyer who fights on behalf of worker's rights! I know lawyers but not remotely union law. But I'm very confident lawyers are involved in labor disputes. Socialist Steve with a head full of knowledge and a powerful courtroom presence, using the system to try and make things better. I've spent more time thinking about Bucky and his white socks I can't lie but there's clearly cool stuff here.

Steve is an out gay man, while Bucky is incredibly in the closet at work and out to his immediate family but very private and very single. Steve has a lot of angry opinions about lgbtq+ rights, and he struggles hard with his self-image, but he also has fun being gay. He has game. Bucky is lonely and has no game except his Regular-Guy thing, which works for anonymous hookups but not much else.

They meet because they end up working together on the Some Kind Of Labor Dispute! They bring super different but equally important things to the table! The reader learns about the history of unions in NYC! They are constantly liason-ing and being overworked and fussing at each other for caring too much about Truth and Justice. Steve privately thinks Bucky is the biggest most ridiculously attractive dreamboat but would never dream he was gay let alone interested in him. (Bucky gives this Steve the pants feelings that Cap Steve gives Lawyer Bucky in Unpredictable Synchronicity). Bucky feels like a big square idiot compared to Steve, can't fathom that his old-fashioned blue-collar bro vibes inspire anything but disdain in someone as intelligent and accomplished and cultured and bravely uniquely themself as Steve. They are both for different reasons very afraid of falling in love. They share ups and downs in the case and get to know each other better.

and THEN

KISSING HAPPENS

so yeah that's my pitch dawg. Sorry for dropping this whole thing on you, I like online social interacting a lot but I definitely do not know how to do it lol

I got the idea for this story from getting COVID over the holidays and spending like 6 hours lying in bed with a fever, fully conscious but unable to really do anything, haven't had a fever like that since childhood, and I ended up entertaining myself by thinking up a scene in the above-described setting, where they're working on the case together but Steve comes down sick and Bucky pops in on him only to go all older-sibling on a feverish Steve who resists but actually needs some coddling, and it feels vulnerable and intimate and they each realize they have a crush/how bad the crush is. It' s been a bee in my bonnet ever since and I have like 3/4s of one page written. If you wanna write it, holy shit dude please do it. If you wanna talk about it, YAY OMG. If you're like 'ok cool but i have my own ideas buzzing at me to get written, this is a You Problem,' that's totally legit and I hope I write it one day and when/if I do I will be heavily under the influence of your fics.

If you are still reading, bless you, and let me just include in case you're actually interested:

QUESTIONS I HAVE NOT ANSWERED:

-What decade is it?????? I started overthinking this but it seems tough. The whole idea is really giving me 80s vibes. The thing about that is that pivotal gay history was happening in New York in the 80s and it was unspeakably fucking tragic and neither centering that in the story nor glossing it over feels right. So just nowadays?? But are big righteous union disputes in NYC still a thing nowadays?? Or say fuck it and go earlier but wow writing in the 70s or 60s feels like such a wild move. TBH that might be it. Earlier decades create more obstacles for their love story, but a more current setting would be easier to get into both as a writer and a reader.

-What the hell job are we talking about? Longshoreman seems kinda tricky but also kinda obvious. Steel worker? Construction? What is a good cliche union job in which the union's cause is righteous? In New York? I'm sure there are many to choose from but it does feel like it needs to be reasonably historically/politically accurate. Maybe 60s longshoreman?? But that's so long ago... the dilemma

-PS everyone is in their mid-to-late 30s bc that is my demographic and every main character being 17 makes me so old and tired.

Thank you so much for reading this, there's no pressure to respond at all of course, I had to get it out somewhere lol! Thanks for your awesome AO3 presence in general, you are such a delightful and talented writer, I'm very glad to know your work!!!!!!

Okay, 1, I had a very, very bad week because hellish flood disaster conditions [I am fine but my friends aren't and I have trauma from previous floods] and also some other weird life shit. Anyway, this made me laugh with such happy delight my kids were like, "WHAT ARE YOU READING!?" I did not tell them.

2. OMG THE SOCKS. The white socks.

3. Yeah we are on the same page here, friend. One can't set a gay love story in the 80s or 90s in NY unless it's about AIDS, I have a thing about that. I mean, I can't stop people, but I would try to blow it up with my mind. Nothing personal.

4. I actually know a lot about unions and in particular the trades, which are, more or less, the various unions that build things. So. Here's a fun one. In Pittsburgh the city chose the lowest bidder to repaint a bridge and used a contractor from Florida that was non-union. Um, maybe this doesn't sound as scandalous to anyone but me. It's a big deal because local hire is important to the local economy.

In a modern setting, a lot of construction projects that come into an area sign a community benefit agreement/project labor agreement that commits to using a certain % of local labor, high road labor standards, and things like apprenticeships which are entry level jobs which can mean that local people actually have a chance at the jobs. So we'll say the people that are repainting the bridge, or, whatever, installing the HVAC on the new soccer stadium, used a non-union contractor from NEW JERSEY which is in violation of their agreement. That kind of thing is definitely the kind of dispute labor attorneys would get involved in, and union reps are very possessive over because obviously they want the work for union contractors. So I can totally see Bucky being his local union rep - IUPAT is the painters union, could also be LIUNA - and working closely with an attorney doing a suit against the city or a developer for not using local hire/union labor.

There are certainly other kinds of labor disputes, that's just the kind I know the most about.

5. OH MY GOD listen. LISTEN. listen ARE YOU LISTEN? Blue collar Bucky feeling like Steve is too fancy to ever love him. Steve feeling like Bucky is too manly to ever love him. Their insecurities are a complementary ourobouros spiral of doom, like, the gift of the Magi by OHenry. It's two sides of the toxic masculinity coin and it's, ARE YOU LSITN??? STOP it with the tragic gender/classism dynamics. Heterosexuality and capitalism are the real villians of this tale. Oh it's so beautiful. Thank you.

6. The current port strike is absolutely DELIGHTFUL inside joke and relevant reference given fandom's love of making Bucky a dock worker. So, I mean, go for that, if you're feeling it. I have never lived on a coast and don't know much about dockworkers though I do know it's very dangerous work, and actually know someone who lost their arm doing river barge work, which, I'm guessing, is somewhat similar to port work? No actual fucking clue?

7. I feel really seen because yes indeed this whole plot is very much aligned with my interests, if you haven't guessed yet.

8. I am not gonna lie, as much as I adore every thing about this, probably not gonna write this. Right now I am very tired so it's a bad time to guess.

9. Please talk to me about it. I would love to enable this beautiful madness.

10. I am glad your Covid is better.

[everyone-with-a-para]

Hi! I have several questions, if that's okay.

I very recently found out about daydreaming community, and, honestly, was in awe, because all my life I thought I was that one weird autistic child with really big imagination and finding this community was like a blessing, because I don't feel that alone now. But, surfing a in this part of the internet left me a little bit confused and the fact that english is my second language does not help.

So, first question. I somewhat lost the line between immersive daydreamings and MaDD. I am sure that all of my daydreamings are immersive, because all of my life I was daydreaming to the point of every single moment of free time. But I don't understand when immersive daydreamings end and MaDD begins. As far as I understood, people with MaDD have difficult time leaving their daydreams, because of one reason or another and use them as coping mechanisms. At which point immersive daydreamings become MaDD? What is the line? What are, let's say, particular qualities of it? If that's okay for you and isn't hard, can you explain it in detail with examples? I try to understand myself, and while I find in myself a lot of stuff, I don't want to invade the MaDD community as (somewhat) healthy person.

Second, is having DID is a requirement for any of this? Is this still okay to be in the community and not have DID?

Third, maybe not a question, but clarification, as far as I understood, "para" in daydream community means someone (character, your version of self, yourself and so on) you have connection with. Again, character, yourself or version of yourself, in which I am sure. Am I correct in it? Can people you know in real life, if you are religious, God(s), spirits and others, different kins of alterhumanity and fictional characters from other media also consider as "para"? Are there any other labels like this?

Thank you, if you will have time to answer this. It way be a lot, I am just excited to find some niche that I was having all my life actually is (somewhat) common experience and I am not alone in it. I hope you will have a great rest of the week.

Hi welcome! I remember the relief I felt when I first found this community too. MaDD can feel like such an isolating thing if you don't know others experience the same

This got a little long so answers to your questions are under the cut

1. Immersive daydreaming is defined as intense and developed daydreams that feel more vivid than regular passive daydreaming. It's often used as a coping mechanism and often started in childhood, but those are not defining features

Inherently, all maladaptive daydreaming is immersive. It becomes defined as maladaptive when it negatively impacts your daily life. This is widely up to your own interpretation, if you feel like it makes life (whether that's external activities or internal feelings) more difficult for you, as MaDD is not yet a diagnosable disorder

Personally, some ways it negatively impacts, or has impacted me in the past: emotions feeling more real for people in my head than anything in my real life, embarrassment/anxiety of letting my daydreams show on my face in front of people, paranoia regarding mind readers despite knowing they don't exist, injuring myself from acting out daydream scenes, forgetting to eat/drink/take care of basic hygiene in favour of daydreaming or just losing track of time, dissociation, derealisation/depersonalisation, second hand distress from my paras

Anything like that and more can be counted as your daydreams being maladaptive. The coiner of the term, Dr Eli Somer, has actually made a list of proposed diagnostic criteria, should MaDD ever get to be in the DSM. You can find that here

2. DID/OSDD and MaDD have significant overlap/comorbidity and MaDD has been proposed as a dissociative disorder itself (for a research paper about this see here) but one is in no way required for the other

I'm not a system, but I am very vocally supportive of them because my best friend(s) is, that and the comobidity is why you might see a little system content on my blog

3. Para is a term used by the immersive and maladaptive daydreaming communities to describe any character within a daydream. Anyone/thing that exists in real life or as a spiritual concept can't be considered a para unless they are directly part of your daydreams

There are other terms such as parame (a para you daydream from the POV of), paraself (a version of yourself in a daydream), veritbond (a para that feels more independent and has a deeper connection and meaning to you), and paracosm (a world in which a daydream takes place). A comprehensive list of all ID/MaDD terms can be found here

I hope this answers your questions in a clear/helpful way. You're always welcome to ask more!

[yakuzacanons]

Hallo! First of all, thank you about headcanons, even though I found this blog just a few days ago, I already read mostly everything and they are wonderful!

And secondly: what do you think about the characters' love language? I get some ideas, but it's very interesting what you can write about it.

Thank you in advance, and have a nice day!

This is so sweet and YES love languages are very good. I'm just gonna be operating off the big 5 basic love languages: words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. I know there are probably other specific offshoots of these but I'm keeping it simple. Thanks for your patience and have a good one!

ALSO I am done with Yakuza 6 and am on Yakuza 7 so 6 related asks are officially ok. Ichiban coming soon, promise.

Kazuma Kiryu: Words of Affirmation

Kiryu isn't always the best conversationalist but he's a really good emotional support person. Great at hearing people out and even better at comforting or motivating them. In his most romantic of moments, he can be quite expressive, even if a little blunt.

Majima Goro: Quality Time

You'd think by the amount of weird and cutesy nicknames he gives everyone, especially his significant other and Kiryu, that he'd be a word of affirmation kind of guy but Majima actually just wants to spend the most amount of time possible with his boo. Spends the night as often as possible. Plus, spending quality time means he's got time to do all the other love languages and more.

Akiyama Shun: Gift Giving

Bless his silly stupid head but Akiyama is sorta no thoughts head empty. Less of a smooth talker and more just really lucky at saying the right thing. Great at planning gifts though, especially experiences like vacations, concerts, or festivals.

Saejima Taiga: Acts of Service

Out of all the boys, Saejima is the most traditionally manly man. Holding the door open, walking on the part of the sidewalk closest to the street, paying for the bill when on a nice date, etc. It's a total contrast to the brutish vibe people tend to get off of him but in reality Saejima is just REALLY nice and he figures there's no better way to say it than just showing it.

Tanimura Masayoshi: Gift Giving

In an ideal world, Tanimura would actually be a quality time type of guy but work gets in the way too much for that to be realistic. He compensates by getting you lots of gifts. Nothing too lavish but lots of small things, like your favorite snack while he was at the store because he thought of you or surprising you with a new CD by your favorite singer. For fancier gifts, they usually have lots of cultural significance than monetary value.

Ryuji Goda: Physical Touch

Even though Ryuji can afford to spoil you rotten with gifts, which he will do anyways, his love language is actually physical touch. The gifts are a nice gesture but its the physical intimacy that carries way more meaning to him personally. He won't go full PDA on you but he'll still hold your hand in public or have his arm around your shoulder. He always finds some way to gain physical closeness to you, even if it's not the most upfront or obnoxiously romantic way.

Nishikiyama Akira: Quality Time

He pretends his love language is gift giving because he wants to impress you but in reality he just wants some one-on-one time, just you and no one else. That becomes rather apparent once he realizes he doesn't have to try hard to seem cool in front of you. Secretly just a cozy little guy.

Mine Yoshitaka: Gift Giving

Total gift giver and not ashamed of it. Has a gift for everything. He's also pretty gentlemanly to acts of service sometimes end up going hand in hand with his gifts. In the bedroom though he's a words of affirmation type of guy. Probably the only one of the guys who distinctly changes his love language when having sex versus just spending time with his romantic partner.

Dojima Daigo: Words of Affirmation

Don't be mistaken, Daigo values quality time a lot but is often not available consistently to actually be with you due to how hectic his work is. Behind his somewhat quiet and hesitant demeanor is actually a man who just wants to sing you the praises you deserve and he will do his best to say so whenever he can.

Shinada Tatsuo: Physical Touch

Cuddle buddy supreme. Would smother you with hugs and kisses if he could. Loves laying his head on your shoulder or just snuggling up to you. In colder weather, he'll totally find excuses to be even closer to you, like holding your hand and putting both of your hands in his coat pocket before saying something dumb like "Now we can hold hands AND be warm!"

[seiya-starsniper]

Shipper Tag Game

Tagged by the wonderful @4typercent 💖💖💖

What ship were you completely obsessed with as a teenager, but now you don't care about anymore?

Sasuke x Naruto lol. I absolutely LOVED this ship, wrote fic about, got into shipping wars, I was the absolutely worst kind of teenage obsessed with them ahahaha. I even met one of my longterm best friends though a Yahoo Groups ship forum for them aosidjaiod.

Now? I could care less lmaooooo. But I still hold fondness for the ship regardless.

Which ship would you consider your first one?

My first ship was definitely Mamoru x Usagi in Sailor Moon! I still love them to this day 💖

Your first fanfic was about which couple?

Yami x Yugi was the first ship I wrote for. I think. It may have also been Lena x Cloud from Zoids New Century, I am UNCLEAR on the details and my ff.net account is lost to time lmao.

The first one I ready was something Sailor Moon related I believe.

Do you remember the first couple you saw fan art of?

Usagi x Mamoru from Sailor Moon, definitely.

Have you ever gotten into ship discourse?

SO. DAMN. MUCH. AOSiasjdasidaiodasoidasdjiasdjs. I've almost never gone looking for it, it just found me. The last bout I ended up in I actually ended up actually went okay though! Way better of an experience than any other ship discourse I've gotten into by far.

Did you use to have any NOTP or have one currently?

I have plenty of NOTPs, none in my current fandom though! I just...there are some ships whose fandoms have ruined the ship for me, so I try very hard to avoid and/or block. Liberally.

Who were the last couple in the last fanfic you read?

Dreamling! My beloved pet ship that I've written over 100k words (200k+ across all my Sandman ships) for and counting! 💖

Currently, do you have any OTPs?

I mean...not really? I've always been a multi-shipper at heart, you are going to be hard pressed to find me a ship where that particular combination is the only one I'll accept. I love the idea of an OTP, I just don't have one lmao.

Is there any couple that, to this day, that you are extremely mad about not getting into?

Not really, no. There's some fandoms I WISH I could get into, but either I didn't like the source material (sorry good omens fans, I tried twice D:) or I didn't really like the quality of fic in the fandom just due to characterization differences. But nothing I'm like upset I didn't get into before lol.

Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they're kind of interesting?

Hmmmmm, can't think of one no.

Do you have any ship that, in the past, would have been considered normal but now you would be cancelled over?

Oh lord, yeah probably. Cannot think of any off the top of my head, but there were some weird ships back in the day.

What is your favourite crack ship?

Ooooooo! Great question. I'm currently trying to think of the most outlandish thing and all I can think of now is that Tony the Tiger x The Grinch fanfic! 🤣

What is the couple you read the most fanfics about?

Probably Dreamling right now! That's mostly due to sheer volume compared to other Sandman ships though.

What do most of your ships have in common?

Feral 4 Feral, and/or Soft Idiots in Love. Sometimes both!

What do you absolutely hate in a ship?

In a ship dynamic? When miscommunication is treated as something romantic, instead of something that needs to be worked on. Also when crossing clearly set boundaries is considered romantic.

In a ship fandom? There's too much to list, but I think the big one is when a ship fandom considers their ship "better" than the other ships in the fandom. Even the canon ship lmao. It just takes away the fun of shipping!

tagging: @softest-punk @bazzybelle @rriavian @aisalynn @five-and-dimes @kydrogendragon @athymelyreply @tj-dragonblade

[cordycepsfem]

Hello! You reblogged a post about "bi" women who don't like vulva (https://www.tumblr.com/cordycepsfem/743621467814674432). Your blog is one of my favorites and I was curious about your thoughts on my situation.

I'm a woman and I consider myself to be bi, but I am disgusted by penis. I do think it's weird when a woman who doesn't like vulva says she is bi, but then I feel like a hypocrite by doing the opposite. I don't think it would be appropriate to call myself a lesbian, though. I still find some men attractive, just not their genitals and I wouldn't be able to have a sexual relationship with a man because of that specific lack of attraction. When I am attracted to a woman, I am attracted to the whole woman. I've been told I just haven't found the right man yet, but there have been men I've cared deeply for. When I try to think about having sex with them, I feel sick. I don't feel sick when I think of women that way. I am a virgin, if that matters.

I always hear about the "bi but eww pussy" stereotype, but never the opposite. Do you think a woman can be unattracted to male genitals and still be bi? I don't mean this as a gotcha, I am just genuinely confused and value your opinion if you wouldn't mind sharing it. Thanks in advance if you decide to answer this! :)

Thank you for your kind words. While I am glad you enjoy my blog, I have to admit that I am not really a font of information on all things lesbian or bi, and would have a hard time telling you how best to proceed. I will move forward with the information I do have, and you may take what you wish.

I existed as a mostly-asexual being until I was in my twenties. When my same-age girl cousins or peers would say a boy looked "cute" or "hot," I never had any idea what they meant. I never saw something in a boy that gave me any special feeling, no matter how many movie stars or boy band members had captured their hearts.

My family was (and still is somewhat) Catholic, and when I was younger I could never see myself married to a man. I didn't know about gay or bisexual people, and I thought the only way to have children was to marry a man and reproduce heterosexually. I have always wanted to be a mom, and I look forward to that in my life now, but back then I was told the only way was marriage to a man. The thought of living with a man, sharing a bed with a man, and having sex with a man was utterly repellant to me when I considered it seriously at the age of 12 or 13. I gave a lot of consideration to becoming a nun.

I got really sick around the age of 14 and the treatments I had between 14 and 22 really fucked up those ages, so I pretty much just worked on surviving. But eventually I was maybe 23 or 24, and I went to a local store and saw a woman who was just... beautiful. She was nerdy, and ticked all these boxes that I now know are qualities I'm attracted to. I asked if they had a certain item I'd been looking for and she checked, spent time with me, offered to order it... nothing more than a great customer service representative, but I was... fascinated. I suddenly had all these feelings that I didn't understand.

But then I also had all of these experiences that suddenly made sense. I'd always preferred "strong female character" types in shows and movies and books. I always wanted to be best friends with the female lead in media, not dating the male lead. I had intense friendships with girls, especially in high school. And now here I was finding a woman attractive for the first time - realizing that I was attracted to someone blew my mind.

I now have a girlfriend for the very first time in my thirties. (It is amazing. I am a big fan.) She is helping me to think very openly about attraction and arousal and how to explore sexuality. Her work will now help me to come to my conclusion here, which is:

I think only you can be in charge of what you call your sexuality (obviously). But if you are only attracted to men by basis of looks or personality, and know that you would not have sex with them, to me that doesn't seem like a full experience of sexuality. Sexuality, for many people, involves the desire to have sexual and romantic experiences with a partner, and it probably would be really hard to have a full relationship with someone who you wouldn't want to engage in sex with, unless that was something you were both wanting, and you felt your connection was more emotional.

I have also found certain men appealing for many reasons - they're a good singer, or they're funny, or they look really sharp in a suit, or I liked them in that one movie - but I don't ever see, nor have I ever seen, a relationship with a man going further than a cherished friendship. I have no desire to engage with one romantically or sexually. If you feel the same way about men, and are wholly attracted to only women, I feel like that's your answer. But again, I can't label how you feel, only offer my thoughts.

People who say "You haven't found the right man yet" need to mind their own business, and perhaps look to their own homophobia. It is possible to do so, because my 88-year-old devoutly Catholic Irish grandmother has yet to tell me to find a man and I am in my mid-thirties. If you aren't looking for a man, why would it matter if you found the right one or not?

However you choose to identify your sexuality, you seem very certain of what you do and do not want, and that will help you figure things out. Please let me know if I can offer a listening ear. I am grateful you were able to share your experience with me.

[highlifeboat]

I'm late to it but: anything more to say about the Mia and Ashley college roomies thing? Cause honestly that made the brain vibe and I'd love to hear more if you have anything to share.

SJKBDSFKSD Ashley and Mia College Roommate Headcanon Time! (Also you're never to late to ask about any of my stuff. As long as I can actually remember when you're referring too pfff)

Pre-Ashley being kidnapped/RE4:

Obviously Mia went to college for Bioengineering, but I think Ashley went for Political Science. Just because she found it interesting.

Cannotically, Ashley goes to the College of Massachusetts. Sooo, they both went to an out of state college.

I don’t know how expensive college was in the early 2000s, out of state or otherwise, but you know Mia had to hit that grind in order to afford to go there.

Mia had no fucking clue who Ashley was when they met. She knew the name “Graham” was familiar, but didn’t even stop to consider she was sharing a room with the fucking President’s daughter.

Which was probably a relief to Ashley, because Mia just treated her like… a normal person.

They didn’t talk a whole lot initially. There were no bad vibes between them, it was more just awkward ���Oh yeah, I guess I kind of live with this stranger now.” and not really knowing each other.

Fortunately, they got to know each other pretty quick. Because that’s what happens when you share the equivalent of a box with a person.

They learned they had really similar tastes in movies and music, so almost every weekend they’d go and rent a movie to watch (and, depending on the quality, make fun of) or just put on tunes and study together.

They also probably bond over having emo phases (I have NOT forgotten about Ashley’s casual wear alt costume in the RE4 Remake being the most 2000s emo look and I live for it)

It took Ethan coming down for a visit and pointing it out before Mia realized who Ashley was. And when she did she was lowkey mortified about the fact she’d most likely been making an ass of herself.

This somehow did not change their dynamic much, however, because the bar was already set and Ashley loved Mia’s goofiness and unabashed “This is who I am” type attitude.

Ashley caught on that Mia was trans pretty fucking fast. Mostly just from how she acted, as it reminded Ashley of herself in her own early stages of transitioning, but also because she once overheard Mia on the phone with Ethan complaining about having to fight in order to be roomed with a girl.

She never told Mia she knew, but she knew.

After their first year they just requested to have each other as roommates again, because they vibed well.

Post RE4 (More catered to Mia’s side because Ashley was busy being possessed and trying not to die)

When Ashley went missing in 2004, it kind of fucked Mia up for a little bit

It was just one of those things that’s like… it’s not really a traumatic experience, but it still sticks with you for a long time because of how weird/jarring it is.

It’s not like they were best friends or anything, but they were still buddies and it struck Mia as strange when Ashley went home for a few days and then just… Never came back.

She did try to call her, but never got an answer and eventually stopped trying.

Waking up every morning and seeing your missing roommates stuff still placed how they left it and their bed made and their whole side of the room looking so lived in yet feeling so vacant was… something.

Eventually someone came and collected Ashley’s things, and coming back from a class to see all your roomies stuff cleared out when you still have 0 idea about what happened is somehow worse than the previous point.

Mia would eventually find out Ashley was, in fact, alive, but she still  had no fucking clue what really happened.

Ashley did eventually go back to college to finish out her degree, but by that point it had been a few years and Mia had graduated, so they never actually saw each other in a college setting again.

They probably would have reached out to one another sooner. But Ashley had lost Mia’s number when her phone was broken and Mia only had the number for that phone. (She never did delete the number, but she did lose it when she eventually got a new phone)

[thefixeraa]

* mia di salvo , a ten year anniversary post . this post mentions some triggering subjects because it pertains to my experience since creating her . not a lot and i don't go into detail but ... yea , this is a warning .

jeeze louise it's been ten fuckin' years with this muse . it's so weird and very surreal , i honestly didn't think i'd make it this far ! okay so i made mia in 2013 after a break up that honestly ... devastated me ( it was a break up text on valentine's day lmao , and then funnily enough i got fired from my job three days after that for a bogus reason . ) i was heartbroken , lost and extremely suicidal - often finding an outlet in different and harmful ways . so it's safe to say that i wasn't really in the best state emotionally . it wasn't until mia that i was able to stop what i was doing , and focus on something more creative . it alaso gave me some control over my life which was sadly spiraling out of control ( and there were moments it still did ever since . ) i can remember making mia and in the very beginning she was affiliated with assassin's creed . i remember how awkward i was asking other people to write with me . how at first mia's name was originally lia , but considering i was trying to create a name that symbolized salvation / being saved . way back then people used 100x100 gifs in replies and damn , i can't even imagine what that would be like now lmao !

mia has been such a constant thing in my life . i know that no matter what ( if i somehow end up taking up another muse ) that she will always be my number one . she is my comfort muse , the muse that i feel so strongly connected with - despite the fact that we're two different people and she's a fictional character . she has been my source of inspiration and creativity . she and her story constantly challenge me to think outside of the box and create something amazing . she's many things that i am not ( and sometimes i aspire to be . ) we also share some of the same qualities . this muse has been with me through some of the darkest moments of my life . also some of my most fondest moments of my life too . she really has been with me through it all , and with that - mia has developed into a well rounded character who has depth and meaning .

ten years has past and she went from an affiliated character , to a character that has her own story . which of course branches out into original concepts , more original characters and just other interesting facets that comes with creating a character . through my trauma and pain , mia has honestly helped me heal ... in little ways of course , she's just been so helpful . i really don't know where i'd be if it wasn't for her and i know that sounds strange but ... she's everything to me , and i'm so glad many of you get to experience her as well . i hope she makes you guy's smile as much as she has mad me .

so to miss mia isabella di salvo ! and many more years ( and maybe a book or two . )

[thedinalixlegacy]

From OC asks: 1, 9, 10, 13 for a character of your choice (sorry, I'm not that much familiar with all of your OCs)?

That’s totally fine, no worries!😁 I’ve got a small list in my pinned post if you want to know them, tho since tumblr changed stuff the links to the tags are broken and I still need to fix those :/ Thank you so much for asking anyway tho, I really appreciate it!❤️ I will answer them for Olittsi

1. How does your OC feel about their full name? Despite her issues with her family and parents she is still proud of her full name: Koldo’litt’sicen. The Koldo family isn’t any extremely important family in the Chiss Ascendancy but its doing quite well, and as any other Chiss they hold their name with pride. Besides that, it is a very obviously link between her and her siblings so even if her last years in the Ascendancy were marred with bad experiences for the sake of family honour, she holds this bond with Omaras and Dofir very close to her heart. Her sister Dofir changed her name slightly when they left the Chiss (which I will talk more about in another ask). But Olittsi instead just felt like she finally had the opportunity to truly be herself, and so she didn’t see the need for that.

9. Do they have a word or phrase that they tend to overuse? “But…” Is something that you will hear her say very often. She doesn’t always fully get the ways of the Jedi, even though she tries her best, and they don’t always understand her ways and methods. Which leads to a lot of “I understand, but..” or, “I know what you said, but…” etcetera etcetera. “Sorry” is also something she says often, but it is more common that she tries to explain why she did things a certain way. Of course, this is not always appreciated by everyone, and it sometimes leads to discussions going round and round in circles. She finds it important to try and understand the other’s point tho, just as she finds it important to try and explain to them her reasons. And for that a lot of questions and an occasional “but” is needed. It will fade a bit over the years, as she learns that it is sometimes just better to accept what the other says. She still secretly thinks that for all their faults, at least the Chiss had more patience than the people in this part of space.

10. What is a weird quality that they have (ie their hands are always cold, they’re always hungry, they snort when they laugh, etc)? Olittsi does not like sitting down for a long time. It’s not necessarily that she grows restless when she does, and if it is required she is perfectly capable of doing so, but she feels more useful if she’s doing something active. She can be writing the most important report in the entire galaxy but she will feel like she has done nothing if that takes her half of the day. Doing small practical things like gardening or taking a walk is much better for her mood. An exception to this is hanging out with friends; Olittsi is totally fine with sitting in someone’s room an entire evening if it means talking and making jokes with people she loves.

13. Do they make strong/frequent eye contact when they talk to someone? That really depends on the situation. In discussions, when she is trying to convince someone or if she is really interested in a topic, she will make more frequent eye contact. When facing an enemy she tries to do so too, to appear intimidating. Whether or not that really works is anyone’s guess. Other than that tho... In more casual conversations she isn’t so good in making eye contact, it’s just not something she does naturally.

[tinatribeca]

Life Update 9/14/24

12:02am

It is always at midnight where I feel the need to sit and contemplate my life and what has changed.

I went to Puerto Rico to spend time with family and celebrate my fathers heavenly birthday. It felt odd being on vacation without him. We spent countless moments talking about vacations- father/daughter quality time overseas. "We need to go away, just you and me" was something he said to me a few times. He was truly one of my best friends. We never got to experience that.

So, being away for what would have been his 60th birthday felt weird, it hurt... it made me feel out of place, I wished often he was there. I tried to be happy and plaster a smile on my face but it was tough.

I got my first tattoo.

I want more of them but we shall see. Tattoos have to be very specifically designed for me to want them on my body. I'm very picky but I had to honor him somehow.

A turntable, a dedication, permanent ink.

I got back a few weeks ago and things have been different. Grieving is unpredictable. There are moments where I find myself truly broken. There are other moments where I am fine, as fine as I can be.

I'm making an effort to spend more time with the people I care about. I'm making an effort to create new memories with people that I barely know, meet new people, teaching myself to be open to love.

I reconnected with an old situationship. That lasted all but 2.5 seconds. He took me to dinner where he told me yet again how he was not looking for anything serious. 2 years later and I am flattered that you still have enough interest to spend a night with me but I told myself that taking him home with me was off the table. Did we make out? Sure. Did he want to come back to my place? Sure. Did I allow that? Nope. I couldn't.

I can't do something casual with someone I already have feelings for.

2 weeks after I decided to test that theory with someone else.

I went on a second date with an accountant and decided: why not.

Casual sex.

What was great for him was actually terrible for me. I'll tell you why.

So it started with dinner and afterwards I invited him over. We casually sat on my couch and watched music videos where he continued to drink, I drank a bit as well but probably not as much as him. I like to be in control.

So, at about 2am we start to make out. I'm thinking well, let me test this theory. Its been a while since I've had sex with someone I didn't really like. Do I care about this guy? Not really. Do I like him? Hmm, I don't know. Am I attracted to him? Absolutely. 

Perfect.

I lead him to my bedroom where clothes come off rather quickly and where he is complimenting me and leading the foreplay, I'm thinking about how drunk he is and how attractive he is naked. We start at missionary first, probably for a second before I get on top. Let me ride this rodeo.

I'm thinking its going to be a good time, not that he is going to orgasm in 90 seconds and that I'm going to ride him for 5 strokes and he's going to be done for that round.

I'm like nah, no way. I'm flattered but let's try this one more time.

Same thing happens second round in another position. From doggy to missionary.

3 minutes tops.

At that point I'm like: NO WAY.

He falls asleep instantly. It isn't until right after he falls asleep that I think about mr. situatioship guy that I went on a date with 2 weeks ago. You want to know what I loved about him?

He always made sure I came first. He always held out.

This guy was a bozo. I'm wide awake staring at the ceiling like yes I can do casual sex but this... this is terrible. How do I make it end?

He wakes up where we have a brief awkward conversation followed by his uber home... a few awkward text messages the next day, the following day after that, and here we are: no longer speaking.

I'll tell you why. Being selfish in bed is an absolute nightmare when you aim to satisfy.

Not the guy for me.

So maybe you are wondering what happened with situationship guy after this. Well, his communication once again became very inconsistent after we reconnected...and we became what we were before:

two strangers with an explosive physical attraction. two years ago we had some great sex but I could never relive that.

I could never allow myself to break my own heart.

[audaciousamadeus]

Self-pity, the post

Ladies and gents, what a week.

It's been 6 months. 6 months since I found out the method I was using to answer the first question of my PhD project wasn't well-established and the person I got it from in the lab was also trying it out. 6 months of troubleshooting. After promising results indicating that I managed to fix the protocol, I processed a huge amount of samples, not only for my project but for many collaborators. 

Now the data was finally here (as of the previous week), and I had my lab meeting presentation the week after the arrival of the new and shiny data. The presentation was one day after my 30th birthday. Exciting and frightening times. 

On the week I got my data, I also got a proposal from a colleague to catsit and housesit while her and her boyfriend were away on a festival for 4 days. "You should see it as a little getaway" she said. Thinking about how much work I needed to get done and how little that would happen if I stayed home and got distracted by my flatmate, I accepted the offer. Went to her place on Tuesday for dinner, picking up the keys and meeting the lovely cat who looked like the pathetic pleading emoji. Their garden looked perfect for my data analysis getaway, and I was looking forward for the weekend.

Very little analysis was done that weekend (pre-processing takes time) and instead I bought some cheap vintage clothes from a store that was closing in Camden, went to a local bakery in Nunhead and walked in the Nunhead cemitery with my newly bought tradwife cosplay of a dress. Maybe some people must've thought I was an apparition. When waiting for my data to get ready and choosing which experiments I should prioritise for my presentation I sang to the cat, who loved it. This weekend I was completely obsessed with Real and Rain, both songs by Unprocessed, and by Alibi from Sevdaliza, Pabllo Vittar and Yseult so that's the repertoire that the cat got to listen to.

On Sunday I also walked to the lab to feed some cells and got my ass literally kicked by a homeless man in Peckham. This was probably an omen, if not a visual metaphor of this week kicking my ass. Also, I couldn't find my bike lock keys. Just grand really.

While looking at the initial quality control of my data I was faced with a very depressive image. The degree in which the problem in the protocol was indeed solved varied to insane degrees depending on the sample. And the useful percentage of the data was usually too low. Considering that I was going to watch a film the next day with an amazing bioinformatician from my lab, I decided to ask in person whether she could meet me to discuss my data for the lab meeting.

Usually, I would say no to social outings so close to my presentation, but I really look up to her and feel like we have a bond. Due to a part of the lab having a different location we barely interact. A few more people that I had similar feelings towards were going to join as well. I felt like I couldn't decline the opportunity to meet them and that I would deal with my presentation stress and tiredness later. 

We watched the best worst film: Troll 2. The one in which there is no Troll 1, no trolls (there are goblins though), and one of the actors was some guy that was an outpatient from the University of Utah psych ward. It was gloriously trashy. The Bioinformatics Goddess told me to come over to their part of the lab so we could discuss things the next day.

Getting to the fancy part of our lab the next day, I first saw Mr Genius, who was also there in the Troll 2 watch party. Something about him tells me that he can handle my sense of humour and that we're quite similar, but I'm always reminded that this is not fully the case. The mismatch isn't big, but it always gives me a weird sense of unease and anxiety amidst the joy I get when talking to him. Him being intellectually intimidating doesn't particularly help, but still, I quite like our interactions. After some light banter about the film, I told him that soon I was going to talk to the Bioinformatic Goddess about my data and he decided to join.

Going through my slides and data their silence intensified until both cut that with indignation at our boss. They were both furious at our boss for the lack of adequate supervision that I have received so far, and the amount of hard work that I put for almost no reward. It takes me a lot of mental effort to show them my work and have discussions, as I feel slightly inhibited towards them due to me seeing both as inspirational people, but I think I managed to calm myself down a bit and to have a proper discussion with them. My fears were confirmed. the way that the data looked, I would only be able to detect biological phenomena that were quite pronounced. And perhaps this could be the case with one of the collaborator's projects, but it was most definitely not mine. It felt reassuring to see that they both felt that I was competent actually and that they both had my back. "You are truly excellent, and this is a waste of hard work and intelligence, I'm sorry but this just makes me so angry", Mr Genius said. It feels a bit delirious to write this down, even. We spoke a bit about what analysis I could do with what I currently have in order present something on Thursday, and they were both very helpful.

After work I went home to make sure I had some analysis pipelines running for the pre-processing of a few datasets before heading off to Pizza Tuesday (with the people from the Bosnian wedding). I took an apple strudel that I baked that morning as a little birthday thing. We spoke briefly about the dancing blog guy, and they told me something vague about reasons for him ditching me. I couldn't really put their bits of information together, but something about him "not being that social" and them thinking that I "deserved better" (as if anyone deserves anything. As if there should be the need to diminish the person who is not your friend, the person said friend is attracted to and decided to like based on their own assessment, just because this friend got hurt) and that in reality he most likely just couldn't "handle it". Whatever "it" means. The prospect of commitment? My feelings? His feelings? I decided to not ask any further, but somehow hearing that from them intensified my heartache. I almost preferred to think of my previous hypothesis that he just didn't care about me and thought I was physically unattractive. Hope I don't care about people ever again, 4/10 experience.

I wanted to spend the night working on my presentation and analysing data, but the wise Bosnian Pizza Tuesday host told me it would be better to sleep and to work on it in the morning. Feeling emotionally exhausted, I don't think there was anything else that I realistically could do.

At last, it was my birthday, and I decided to go early to the bouldering gym as a treat. That felt great and I even found my bike lock keys there! I felt like the universe was finally smiling at me. My Persian ex sent me happy birthday wishes, we spoke a bit about my lab struggles, and he said "Good luck with all of that. Never forget: you came a long way and you have done great things. You are also gonna be even better and go higher!". I cried a bit in the middle of the gym and was very thankful that it was empty. His support has always been invaluable, and I will forever be grateful and resent the fact that I am not attracted to him. Went back home and got some presents from my flatmate's parents (for tolerating their deranged ape son. Just kidding). Went to work and found some more goodies on my desk from colleagues.

People kept asking me for celebrations and what I would like to do on my birthday. I decided to go out for drinks in a cute pub close to the lab as a celebration after my presentation. I felt like I didn't have energy to organise anything else and that I would need the drinks. I'm definitely not on the path to become a raging alcoholic. 

Also, early March I had bought one ticket to watch the Spirited Away theatre play on my birthday, with the original Japanese cast. I feel a bit guilty that I did not invite anyone to come with me, but I truly wanted to have this experience alone and treat myself. Back then however I did not know I was going to have a presentation the next day. And truly, it was magical! And it was all in Japanese! When it was over I returned home and spent most of the night finishing my presentation.

I concluded that I shouldn't lose all my sleep over this and that if there was any interesting bit of data to show, there was not enough time to properly prepare slides in a way that I could communicate something meaningful to the lab. It would just be a show-off of how much I had done and that only thing that would accomplish is for me to feel like I am not useless. I refuse to do such meaningless self-soothing behaviour ever again. It was painful, but I decided to make a presentation based on how the method that I was using was indeed not usable, what are the exact issues, ideas of how to proceed, some optimisations on other methods. The main focus was to inform other lab members and my boss if they wanted to either use the method or suggest it to collaborators, and to gather feedback and ideas of what I could possibly do. Personally, the whole thing was painful to me and gave me a feeling of failure and not being smart enough to know when to quit optimising and switch to something else. But I received reassurance from peers that things are ok and that's how a PhD goes.

I am still, however, feeling that sort of numb sadness. Indeed, good that I had drinks afterwards. Good job, past me.

For the celebratory drinks there were some people from my lab, my flatmate, two London besties, and a guy adjacent to my Brazilian friend group who moved to London before I hanged out with these people. We talk quite often on Telegram but I think that my texting style became too European to keep up with Brazilian texting (but it's still too Brazilian and intense for the European standards). I got lovely cards, a few gifts and an AMAZING vegan (so that my Witchy Muse could eat) chocolate and raspberry cake from Konditorei, organised by my tasteful and thoughtful flatmate. 

Celebrations didn't stop there. Two people joined me for climbing on the next day, and on Saturday my flatmate gave me the surprise present of watching episode 6 of Star Wars in the cinema, a perfect ending for our Star Wars craze we had for the past weeks watching every main film in the franchise. I'm incredibly thankful for all the lovely people that consider themselves my friends. Highschool me would never once have thought that one day people would care as much. Considering that she never had that, I didn't have a lot of practice with saying no and finding a balance. It's especially hard considering that it's not easy for me to immediately access my emotional feedback on things, so if something is too much it usually hits me consciously way later than for most people. It was getting obvious though (at least for me) that my interactions were getting stunted and unnatural the entire week. That was not very 365 party girl of me. 

I'm just...

Tired. 

Exhausted really. 

I want nothing more than to stay in bed, watching nonsense on YouTube, or some series, or to casually read a fiction book, and to sleep for 9 hours every night for 1 month. Surrounded by pillows, preferably with cuddles every so often. And that would be the only contact with people that I would want in that ideal one month.

But that fantasy is far from happening in the foreseeable future. You see, I started writing this from a Starbucks at the London Gatwick airport with a large cappuccino. I had a flight to Geneva at 7:45am and woke up at 3:30am to come to the airport and be on time. With a pack of discounted babybels in my pocket so that they wouldn't go bad in the fridge.

Said flight was overbooked. I will now fly at 4:55pm. It was 8:36am as I started writing this. I stayed in that Starbucks for almost 6 hours writing this and reading a paper to make slides for a summer course in the Swiss Alps. The flight was also 2 hours late and now my earphone batteries ran out. I'm finishing writing this on the plane to Geneva. Woe is me.

When Mannequin Pussy said, "Everyone says to me 'Missy, you're so strong' but what if I don't wanna beeeeeeeeee" I really felt that.

This is just the beginning of frenetic two weeks. And It's me and my pocketful of babybels against the world.

Exhausted salutations,

Drained Amadeus

PS: The timeline is probably very confusing so I'll simplify it here:

Week of the 12th of August: At some point in the middle of the week, my data arrived

15th to 18th of August: Catsitting in Nunhead

21st of August: My birthday

22nd of August: Lab meeting presentation

[another-random-dom-3]

An idea for a weird little dirty vignette popped into my head the other day. So here it is. (M/f sex, perverted therapist, only relatively mild kink.)

______________

You had been married a few years, and things were generally good, but lately you had both been feeling a strain on your relationship. Nothing too serious, you thought. Just a rough patch, but still you were happy to agree when Claire, your wife, suggested that you try marriage counselling. You didn't mind letting her pick the therapist, and she chose one Dr Karen Jones, who had incredible reviews online.

When you booked the first appointment, Dr Jones said that she liked to speak to wives alone, just for the first session. It seemed a little odd to you that she didn't want to see you alone too before seeing you both as a couple, but you didn't think too much about it. When Claire got home from that first appointment, she just said that it had been a good session and that the therapist had impressed her. So far so good, you thought.

A week later, here you are, sitting in a chair in the doctor's office, next to your wife. Introductory small-talk over with, Dr Jones seems ready to get down to business.

"Mr Smith, having talked to your wife last week, I've begun to get a sense of your relationship dynamic, but why don't you tell me in your own words what you're hoping to get from this process, as a couple."

So you did your best to explain where you felt the main issues were in your marriage. Fairly typical stuff, you assumed. Communication, compromise, quality time together etc. Dr Jones listened intently, took a few notes, asked you a couple of times to expand or explain. It all seemed fairly standard.

"Thank you, Mr Smith," she said, when you were finished. "And now, I'm going to ask you roughly the same thing I asked your wife last week: how would you *really* like your marriage to be?"

You thought for a moment.

"I guess I just wish I knew how to make Claire happier ..." you began, before Dr Jones cut you off.

"I don't doubt it, Mr Smith, but that isn't quite what I'm asking. Let me put it a different way. If your wife's preferences weren't an issue, if all she wanted was to be whatever you wanted, what would you want her to be?"

"Um ..."

You had no idea what it was Dr Jones wanted you to say.

"It's ok, Mr Smith. Relax. The reason I asked your wife the same question last week, when you weren't here, was to help her to feel more comfortable being completely open and honest about what she wants. Frankly, women often find it hard to say these things in front of their husbands. It's been my experience that a man, on the other hand, often finds it easiest to express his desires when his wife is present. Specifically, when his wife is down on her knees, sucking his cock."

Your mouth gaped open like a fish. You couldn't believe you had possibly heard her right.

"Um ... Sorry. Did you just say ... ?"

Claire was already getting up out of her chair. She moved to stand in front of you, between you and the doctor. She smiled. Dr Jones came back into view as your wife dropped to her knees, already reaching for your fly.

"Yes, I said what you thought I said, Mr Smith."

You were too shocked to react, even to speak, as Claire pulled your dick out into the open air, nudging your legs apart as she moved closer. You gasped as your cock slid into your wife's mouth, and her soft lips closed around your shaft. It was understandably difficult for you to focus on what the doctor was saying.

"Now, like I said, let's you and I have a talk about what it is that *you* really want. Does that sound good, Mr Smith?"

Claire's head was bobbing in your lap, and you could feel her tongue caressing your dick.

It was all you could do to nod.

[tyrantisterror]

Some clarifications on this post that I made at the end of my lunchbreak and, ironically, did not think about the potential audience it might reach:

First, please note I said "weirdest" and not "worst." Weird and Bad are two very different adjectives - specifically, weird is not a judgment of quality, merely a note that something is odd (and in this specific case, a little confusing). If I was talking about my worst experience with my incredibly small audience, it'd be that guy on deviantart who got into an argument with me about the "true" name of the devil where I essentially called him a condescending pedant, to which he responded that me criticizing him was ableist because he was autistic, and then stalked my account to find every person I'd ever interacted with on deviantart to tell them that I hated autistic people so they'd stop interacting with me (which, for anyone still wondering, was the final indignity that made me quit that website altogether). If I was talking about my second worst experience, it would be that guy who review bombed my books on amazon (and is still doing it on goodreads) to essentially spend half a sentence saying they suck and then a long rambly paragraph explaining how pathetic I am and inexplicably comparing me to MovieBob, a youtuber that I'm still only vaguely familiar with (he's the one Lindsay Ellis called out on twitter for creeping on female youtubers, right?). If I was talking about my third worst experience, it would be the guy who lied about his age to join my discord forum, told me a year later when he was still underage, and then got really pissy because I kicked him out, and is the reason why I subsequently enacted a rule that everyone who joined that forum had to show me their driver's license to prove they were the age they said they were (only one person since has actually done this, and they are in my opinion the coolest motherfucker around for doing so, although I feel bad that the discord server was basically a ghost town by the time they did it).

So, yeah, not a bad experience in the grand scheme of things. Just odd, you know? I generally don't think of fanart as something you do for works of fiction you find mediocre at best. Maybe it's just because I have carpal tunnel syndrome, but I'd only put in that level of effort for a work of fiction I actually think is good. That's why I draw fanart for Godzilla and not, like, The Giant Gila Monster.

Second, I think it's perfectly valid for someone to say my work is mediocre. They're, like, probably right, honestly? They are at the very least entitled to have that opinion and to be able to say it in public, even if it's in an odd (not bad, just odd) mixed message post with cute fanart. While I am human and care enough about my work to feel hurt when people find it lacking, I also do genuinely care about my craft and want to know when people don't like it. I am fortunate to have a good handful of people who both like my work AND actually read it sometimes, so my ego can take the bruising.

And, like, honestly? While some people might find "you are a mediocre artist who knows they are mediocre" to be a sad fate, I think it's a lot worse to be a mediocre artist who thinks they're Perfect and Flawless. That's where the real problems lie - a mediocre writer who thinks they're perfect is going to stop trying to improve, stop caring about the details, and worst of all, they're going to get really self righteous about everything they say. If a mediocre writer goes unchecked for too long, why, before you know it they'll be picking fights with one of the guys from Dragon Ball Z Abridged on twitter because they dared to say the mediocre writer was wrong for believing that trans people should be executed in the town-square for using bathrooms. A mediocre writer who thinks they're perfect is going to spend all day on twitter name-searching themselves to pick fights with queer teenagers about how they think the teens' identities are invalid. A mediocre writer who thinks they're perfect is gonna write multiple Cormoran Strike novels. I don't want to end like that! Please, anything other than that, I beg you!

To go back to the food metaphors, I personally like to think of my writing like a greasy spoon diner in a small town - a locally owned business with no aspirations for expansion, just a desire to make food to feed people. Is it especially good? Probably not. Is it full of new experiences? Nah, you've probably had food just like this (or extremely close to it) before, and will in countless other small towns later in your life. But it's got a small group of beloved regular customers, its doors are always open to people who need some decent food, and you're gonna walk away with a full belly of something that's at least digestible. As the inventer of The Creech the Truck Monster from Monster Trucks Seal of Cinematic Adequacy, I'm happy if that's how my work is viewed by the dozen or so people who read it and actually enjoy the experience.

And yeah, to more refined palettes, the greasy spoon diner may well be indistinguishable from a shitty Arby's sandwich, and that's ok. Because, ultimately, the person who decides how food is received isn't the chef who makes it, but rather the person who actually eats it.

...still would be weird to make a whole piece of fanart about the shitty Arby's sandwich you didn't like, though. Not bad, per se, but strange.

I think my weirdest experience with my incredibly small audience has to be the guy who, on two separate occasions, made well-rendered fanart for ATOM and then underneath it wrote about all the things he disliked about it and how it was mediocre. Put me in a weird "Should I say thanks or apologize for his bad reading experience?" situation.

It's like if I put effort into drawing a beautiful Arby's sandwich illustration and wrote under it "Yeah this was barely food, but what should we expect?" And then did it again two years later.