#it's funny because I'm literally like. “What are her goals?” get it all down and it's a bunch of stuff. His goals? “WIFE”.

[dootznbootz]

I'm moody and grumpy and sick so I'm going to be a freak about writing for a bit.

I fucking love writing PEOPLE. like as a whole. I love writing little imperfect messy living moments. People aren't perfect. Never will be. Never SHOULD be. And I fucking LOVE writing that. Even the "unnecessary details" feel necessary to me because they're HUMAN.

Spilling food on yourself. Getting food stuck in your teeth and maybe making funny faces while you're trying to get it out. Mentioning a silly moment from their youth in teasing. A disagreement. Putting on clothes and getting your arm stuck in your sleeve at first. "Ugly laughter". Losing your train of thought and saying nonsense while snapping fingers to try and get your thoughts back. Hugging someone taller than you and maybe having to change how you stand to fit together. Accidentally stepping on someone's foot. Bedhead, fixing someone's clothes, double chins, clumsy moments, Shifting, fidgeting, having someone mimic another's voice to make someone laugh, LIVING THINGS lksjdf ldskjf THINGS THAT MAKE US HUMAN!!!

And like?? A small thing, as I said I love just writing PEOPLE. But I see posts sometimes about how people "have a hard time writing women" and I'm just sitting here like??? "She's a person?? You've met another person before, right? Write the same way." and just get boggled and even, I don't know, disappointed? Even if she's not part of the main "cast" have her be, idk human?? Not just cardboard you know?? Don't "girlboss" her but also just?? simply have her have life!

Or then I've seen people literally admit "Well with canon there's not much to work with the women" WELL THEN MAKE STUFF UP!!! Use your big brain and have headcanons for her! See the potential she already has and fly with it!!! :D

How many times has she spilled food on her clothes and groaned because it's her favorite? How many times has she had snarled hair? She's probably had something in her eye at some point. She's probably tripped and skinned her knee once or twice. Does she swear? How would she react in this situation?

And sometimes I'll see people use history as an excuse or whatever but like??? Even IF systematically women weren't treated well, that wasn't the rule for ALL. For example, in the USA, Women usually couldn't go out in public in pants during certain periods. Yet I have photos of family from the 1930s where there are women in pants. Little girls and their mothers literally using a two-person saw and on the farm in pants. Just because the system is sexist doesn't mean that men in women's lives always enforce it. Just like nowadays. Reproductive rights. That's systematic. Daily life? I feel plenty safe with a lot of regular ass dudes. SAME BACK THEN MOST LIKELY!!!

Idk y'all. I'm just... disappointed by how many times I come across this type of stuff :/

[dunmeshistash]

How do you feel about Milsiril? Like what do you think of her interactions between the canaries, her goals, her intentions and morality? I keep seeing people with mixed feelings about her, some saying she's just toxic or morally grey or doing bad but with good intentions or that she's just a mentally ill and literally so much more, also with the comic about Otta calling Milsiril love for her children/Kabru as just love for a pet, I always saw people take it at face value and say yes, Milsiril did love them more as pets instead of children, did she take up raising/adopting non-elf children because she felt like none of them could ridicule her like the elves did because they didn't know what an elf was supposed to be like (and also because they were children) or did she inherently view them as less? I mean the canaries and I'm pretty sure almost all of the cast in dungeon meshi have some sort perspective on different races especially because how they were taught about them, i just think it was interesting to finally see someone interpret it as Otta just misinterpreting Milsiril, I'm just really interested in her, i think shes neat, sorry for the rant!

Ooh, well to preface this, I hadn't really realized Milsiril was such a controversial character before my last post, I kinda live under a rock. She's really not a character I had given much thought besides what I wrote there before it, but I can do my best to express what I have thought since, with sources for it. I'm not sure what order to go thru so I'll just go by manga appearances and then extras, this will probably be quite a long post

This is the first time she shows up in the manga (ch55) Kabru is wondering about what future they might have if the elves take them into custody because of the ancient magic, he thinks about Milsiril as a get out of jail card, and mentions "There's a chance they would make us become permanent resident of the elven lands." with the image of Milsiril holding him. I don't think that means she would be the one to not let them leave, since this would probably be an legal issue, and the fact Milsiril lives away from other Elves. It does set up that Milsiril is quite overprotective tho, with Kabru's reaction to her teary hug. (rest is under a cut)

The next time she shows up is in ch61 right after Kabru falls down the dungeon along with Mithrun, he faints and has this flashback

She's being her overbearing self treating Kabru's small injury as if its something you need to be in bed for, hand feeding him like he's a toddler, and when he insists he wants to learn how to fight and be strong like her, she hugs him revealing to us for the first time her arm scars, she's cleary in distress too, so you wonder "what has happened to her?"

It continues in the next pages, as she tells him to stay there, where it's safe and there's cake, and describes the bad things he might encounter. Until he tells her he will go with or without her help

Honestly this is a Kabru we don't see often, this is the version of him that is usually in thought bubbles, he's blowing out in frustation over being smothered and demanding straight up what he wants, instead of trying to manipulate Milsiril, very blunt for him. Milsiril seems to flip a switch into battle mode, when she decides to train him for real.

I really thought this was funny, the visual of these cuddly toys and this Mom that was being so soft just a second ago completely flipping into something menacing is very amusing to me. She says "I'll give you an exhaustive, thorough training in how to use a sword... until you finally decide that you're ready to give up." although it sounds cruel, it seems she really trained him as best she could to make sure he would survive the dungeon. If he couldn't take the training with her there was no way he would be able to take on the dungeon, but he could, so much so that he managed to make her let him go. I can see this being seen as her trying to prevent him from going but to me it seems more like some tough love from a traumatized war veteran in this case.

The last thoughts he has is admitting his Mom was right, "Not only were there plenty of traps, monsters, and malice... but there were times when I felt so hungry and cold that I couldn't stand it."

And he concludes with "I never once thought that I wanted to go back there. That room where I could eat all the cake that I wanted..." While I can understand the interpretation that he means he would rather go thru all this than go back, perhaps cause he hated it there, I think it's rather a statement to how committed he is to defeating the dungeon, the visuals show him in rubble vs him in a soft big bed, the rough reality he fought to be able to face and the comfyness of what his life could be. Plus is mirroring exactly what Milsiril said to him. Admitting she was right about the bad things but that he won't give up for the safe easy life he had.

After that visuals of Milsiril are used while Kabru tries to sus out Mithrun but she shows up again in Mithrun's backstory.

Here she's straight up called Gloomy, which wasn't really the version of her we saw so far, gotta remember this is also how Mithrun saw her and that she was called gloomy as a way of bullying. Kabru mostly cuts off her part in the story until the end, when she's the one to find Mithrun after he was eaten by the demon

She doesn't really care much for Mithrun as we see in some extras, and she was ready to mercy kill him, but she is also the one to spare his life. This could be seen as her thinking he can still be of use, and it's how it sounds with how Kabru tells the story, but I do think this was also a merciful act, Mithrun was in rehabilitation for 20 years after being saved, by the time he was actually useful for anything Milsiril had already left the canaries and adopted Kabru.

Now for extras... About Mithrun/The Canaries, Milsiril was cleary someone that hated the people around her. This is her extra in the Adventurer's Bible

Milsiril seems to be the type that hates "popular kids" so to say, her description says she was bullied by other elves for being so introverted so I believe she holds a grudge against people like Mithrun that seem to have succeeded where she failed. But realizing he was a twisted person like her seemed to make her feel more sympathetic towards him, that's why I think she really did act with mercy when she saves Mithrun, he's now someone she sees as similar to her, she sees he also suffered like her

Her decription also mentions she left the canaries specifically because she was disgusted with how the Utaya situation was dealt with. Yet it seems like she came back to help Mithrun with his rehabilitation once she quits.

There's an interpretation to be made that she did this only to get "revenge" on the demon since she just saw the destruction of Utaya, and that she's using him. On the other hand maybe she wants to help him find a motivation to live, she's no longer a canary and she has time to actually help him now. I don't know which one is the truth but it's not obviously something self-serving if you ask me. Especially in the context that right before this scene Milsiril admits she wishes they could have talked before.

My interpretation of her relationship with the canaries and other elves is that she's someone depressed that was mistreat for her 'quirky' side, the dolls are clearly one of the ways she used to cope with anxiety/depression but it only caused her to be bullied by her own kin, she's the daughter of an important family and it's shown in other extras, including one about Mithrun, that nobles often send out the kids they don't want around to become canaries. It's an easy way to get rid of someone undesirable and I think it was the case for Milsiril. (Pattadol even assumes her parents love her less than her sisters for sending her to join the canaries).

No wonder than that now that she's finally free from the canaries she chose to seek her own happiness away from the society she felt she could never fit into, she clearly likes to take care of children too, I think it's mean to assume she only likes them because she feels superior to them when there's no indication that this is the case.

And I don't think it's a coincidence she's so overprotective of Kabru after Utaya, it's literally the tragedy that was the breaking point for her, and he's a surviving small child from that tragedy, Milsiril cares about Kabru and wanted him to have a comfortable safe life after everything he went thru...

This ended up getting way too long so I'll make second part tomorrow about the rest of the extras and Kabru, and some other things I've seen said about Milsiril, but to answer the questions...

I don't think she treats her children as pets, Otta is just salty she was called out for dating like Leo Dicaprio.

Every single dungeon meshi character can be called morally grey because they all have flaws that in our world can be considered unforgivable, but they don't live in our world. To me Milsiril is doing her best in the context she lives in.

Who even is neurotypical in dungeon meshi, Milsiril is yet another flavour of a neurodivergent traumatized character among so many.

I believe she thought of the other canaries, especially Mithrun, as the same type of people that were cruel to her, probably because some of them really were, but that she generalized it to the point she thinks of all of them as bad by default. You can only get hurt so many times before you assume everyone will hurt you.

Part 2

[landoslvr]

MRS CHRIS | c. dixon

summary: a scroll through your internet presence as 'mrs chris'. [social media AU.]

pairing: fem!reader x chris dixon (chrismd)

faceclaim: eva meloche

notes: first piece for mrs chris out of the wag universe. eva is gonna be the main fc I use for mrs chris, hopefully you like it!

liked by taliamar, faithlouisak and 4,398 others

yourinstagram charity match this week, plus some other fun tidbits

view all 129 comments

user that outfit 🤩

user I knew she was a rhode girly 💅

taliamar soooo pretty 🤍🤍🤍

stephan_tries the only person who is safe from my slander in the commentary box

yourinstagram it's because without me you would've been cancelled a loooooong time ago

stephan_tries best pr manager in the biz

user my idol tbh

user you radiate good energy

chrismd10 another day, another slay 😚

yourinstagram please never speak again

liked by yourinstagram, wroetoshaw and 180,837 others

chrismd10 there's norway this is my job

view all 398 comments

faithlouisak my daughter's gonna see that picture one day

user get y/n on it now!!!

user creating more work for y/n by posting ethan's ass pics

user couple goals 😩💅

user when he makes her job harder 🤩🤩🤩

user chris hitting the glow-up hard 🤤

user y/n knew what his potential was 🤍

user they started dating and he just got hotter??

user that harry shot was lethal 🫣

user sick video 👍🏽

yourinstagram why must you do this to me? do you hate me?

behzinga I'm sorry

yourinstagram I'm letting you go

chrismd10 sorry mate

yourinstagram you're next md

liked by miniminter, chrismd10 and 4,982 others

yourinstagram norway for the week <3 at shoots and scrubbing ass pics from the internet 🫶🏼

view all 187 comments

user she's just so pretty 🫠

chrismd10 good luck with that 🫣

yourinstagram you can explain to olive why her dad's bum is all over the internet one day christopher

faithlouisak aunty y/n would NEVER do that to her beloved neice

yourinstagram my literal baby girl 😭

user y/n drinking wine to ignore her boyfriend and other clients being stupid

user literally every person in the new video, apart from danny, is a part of y/n's client base

user how does she do this shit

user girl has managed to stop HARRY LEWIS from getting cancelled, I'm convinced she can do anything

liked by georgeclarkeey, freyanightingale and 5,019 others

yourinstagram mixing work with pleasure apparently..

view all 213 comments

user EAT HIM UP Y/N

user in the words arthur television: she gagged him

calfreezy send kart 21 down the river

user chris on a ladder is so funny to me 😭

maxbalegde sexy pr lady, come over right NOW, you look too good to not be at my place of residence

yourinstagram be right there xx

user casual london fashion week pic on the 2nd slide x

yourinstagram humble bragging 😩

user I want her life 😭😭

user ikr literally hanging out with all your friends because you manage their image? sign me up

yourinstagram rlly easy guys, just date a famous youtuber and have a media and communications degree xxxx just so easy!!

chrismd10 never forget where you came from.. me

yourinstagram okay mr arsenal bedsheets x

liked by chrismd10, willne and 5,193 others

yourinstagram I got my Greece trip- I mean video... and got to pick which extras to bring along......

view all 287 comments

user quick everyone act shocked that chris is there

user oh my gosh.. no way, chris? I am so surprised

yourinstagram I appreciate the effort guys 🥲

user she just is that bitch 😭

user you know she's got every single one of those men wrapped around her finger

arthurtv i wasn't one of the chosen ones 💔

yourinstagram because im tired of you and chris sharing a bed and me sleeping on the hotel couch

chrismd10 foiled again arthur

calfreezy send me this pic you traitor

user pr manager/photographer

yourinstagram I need a pay rise

chrismd10 thanks for stowing me away in your suitcase xx

user she's mothering I love it

user so hot

user major fitty ❤️‍🔥🤩

taliamar so true

liked by yourinstagram, freyanightingale and 178,399 others

chrismd10 constantly reminding me who she is in that first photo. happiest of birthdays to my pr manager and nothing else!

view all 412 comments

user happy birthday y/n the pr manager!!

user a y/n photo dump is my favourite kind!!

user spoil us chris!!

wroetoshaw happy birthday y/n!

faithlouisak my wife's birthday 🤩

ksi happy birthday to the goat

user chris and y/n be sappy challenge

callux the queen! happy birthday!!

vikkstagram happy birthday mrs chris!! thanks for everything

yourinstagram thank your lucky stars you posted all nice pictures or I would've deleted your youtube channel xxxx

user Y/N PLEASE 😭

[allastoredeer]

Me : well maybe it's not that bad?

Me : looking for radioapple art and immediately get hit with big buff Alastor and tiny shorter than in canon Lucifer, Lucifer in a dress getting fucked by Alastor, Lucifer in a dress getting fucked by big buff Alastor, Lucifer who look like 5 yo and 'suave sugar daddy' Alastor who holds him and each with thousands of likes and absolutely zero of anything else than that

Me : nope 🙃😔

Save me Vox/Al artists, save me

Man, I love Vox/Alastor art so much.

I just love the Vox/Alastor ship as a whole, be it one-sided, mutual, or anything in between, and a lot of it stems from Alastor still feeling like he's Alastor.

I mean, I think people make Alastor a little more cruel and heartless towards Vox sometimes, but overall he still feels like himself. He gets to be dangerous and manipulative and he gets to be silly and whimsical. It's perfect.

Adding a cut right here because this post got WAY longer than I anticipated ⬇️

I think with RadioApple, when it comes to Alastor, people lean too much into this:

And not enough into this:

It feels like his fun, sassy, and whimsical side gets stripped away and he's turned into a stereotypically tall, dark and menacing love interest.

Where's his flamboyancy? His razzamatazz! As Susan would say, "Where's the showmanship? Where's the pizzaz? Fucking mediocre."

If I'm reading a fic or looking at art and I can't imagine their Alastor doing one of his girly-pop wrist flicks -

- then I can't keep going. His girly-pop vibes are too important to me.

Of course, when it comes to tone in both fics and art, sometimes fun and whimsical aren't what the artist is going for. But even outside of NSFW art and stories, so often Alastor just feels...bland. He feels too stiff. Too much like a suave, old fashioned, smooth talking gentleman, and not enough like a fun, silly, and sassy little freak who loves trolling people.

And with Lucifer if feels like they lean too much into this:

And not enough of this:

I feel like any, if not all, of Lucifer's flaws are brushed aside so often and so easily.

He feels softened and watered down. Like he's either a sad & awkward UwU boi all the time, or he's the most flamboyant, seductive little minx there is. And to be fair, he is both a very sad boi and a seductive little minx.

But rarely does he ever come across as powerful to me. A lot of the time he feels too normal. Or too sad and naive. Literally, like he could be any other sinner if I didn't already know he was the kind of Hell. And that's so funny to me because we've seen him openly and extravagantly display his powers multiple times in the show--not to the extent that he did in the finale--but he was definitely flaunting all the things he could do, make, or summon for Charlie during his musical-battle with Alastor. He was 100% showing off how powerful he is.

Not only that, but, honestly, Lucifer feels too open and sincere because that man is judgmental as fuck.

Going back to the "Dad Beat Dad" episode, there are multiple examples of him being a self-righteous little shit: 1) he was incredibly critical of Charlie's hotel the moment he stepped inside, even if he tried, and failed, to cover it, 2) he didn't even try to hide his disgust for Alastor's bar, which he didn't even know was incorporated by Alastor (who he hadn't even met him yet) and could've been incorporated by Charlie or Vaggie, for all he knew, 3) he wasn't taking Charlie's hotel or her plan for redemption seriously from the start, he didn't even have his mind open to the possibility, he wasn't there to hear about her plans he was only there to see her, and 3) when the hotel was attacked by the loan sharks, instead of making them go away or preventing the hotel from being damaged - which he could have very easily done with no amount of effort - he hung back and smugly reiterated that he was right and sinners can't be redeemed and Charlie should just give up on her goals/dreams because it's just not possible so there's no point in trying.

Like, Charlie was very clearly in distress over her hotel being attacked and destroyed, but he was too busy boasting about how he'd been "proven" right to see that.

He's very easy to anger and his ego is so easily bruised. Alastor got under his skin immediately and effortlessly - though I also believe that's on part that Lucifer doesn't have a high opinions of sinners anyway - and Lucifer 100% escalated the conversation/argument he had with Alastor during their first meeting.

See the whole scene of him referring to Alastor as a "has-been" and insulting the name he'd given the hotel, especially when you take into consideration that until Alastor said that he named the hotel, Lucifer thought it was Charlie who came up with it.

And I'm not going to say that Alastor was an innocent, picked on little baby in that scene, he was 100% riling up Lucifer from the start, but also, like...Alastor's lines weren't outright antagonist like Lucifer's were. They were more subtle, slightly needling and passive aggressive, but nothing that could really be taken as a insult.

This is literally the dialogue, word for word, of their very first interaction:

Lucifer: What in the unholy Hell is that?!

Alastor: Just some of the renovations we had done. Adds a bit if color, don't you think?

Lucifer: And you are?

Alastor: Alastor, pleasure to be meeting you, Sir, quite a pleasure. It's nice to finally put a face to the name. You are much shorter in real life.

Lucifer: Who is this? Who is this now - are you the bellhop?

Alastor: Ah-ha, no! I am the host of the hotel. You might've heard of me from my radio broadcast.

Lucifer: Hmm, nope! I guess that's why Charlie called it the "has-been" hotel, hahaha!"

Alastor: Ha ha ha, it was actually my idea.

Lucifer: Ha ha, well it's not very clever.

Alastor: Ha ha, fuck you.

Like. That's their first interaction. And if you go back and actually pay attention to facial expressions and body languages, this was the first time he's seen Alastor, and Lucifer was immediately disdainful.

I went back and screenshotted Lucifer's face, right after Alastor's first line (which was a relatively innocent in and of itself and didn't even sound that antagonist), and:

That's a lot of disesteem for someone he literally just met. At most, you could argue that it was Alastor's smirk or tone that set him off ⬇️:

But even that is such a small thing to get upset over.

I'd say the only time Alastor really started getting openly hostile towards Lucifer was when he wiped his hand after shaking Lucifer's cane (which Lucifer didn't even see as he was too busy fixing his hat) and commenting on Lucifer's height (as a shortie myself, can confirm, that'll get on the nerves very fast).

My point is, Lucifer was immediately unfriendly towards Alastor and escalated the situation just as quickly, if not quicker, than Alastor did. Alastor implied that Lucifer might know of his radio broadcast, and Lucifer jumped right to calling him a "has-been." He doesn't even know him. This is their very first meeting. He was judgy and dismissive of Alastor at first sight, and, let's be honest, he kind of threw the first punch with that "has-been" line. Alastor said Lucifer was shorter than expected, but it's not like he laughed, pointed at him and called him a undercooked little chicken nugget. I'm sure a lot of demons/sinners who've never seen Lucifer would also assume he would be taller and more menacing at first glance, and I doubt this is the first time someone was surprised with his height (still not cool, Alastor. We vertically challenged folk have feelings too).

But Lucifer was prejudice from the start and antagonized Alastor just as quickly, and way more openly, than Alastor did to him. And don't get me wrong, this isn't me saying that's a bad thing on Lucifer's part! This isn't me criticizing or scorning him for it. I think it speaks so much of him as a character!

Cause we've seen the soft and tender moments he has with Charlie. We know how much he loves and cares for her. But he's also egotistical, antagonistic, and judgmental as hell, and that's what makes him such a fun character to write about. He's awkward yet showy, smug yet caring, depressed yet prideful. And by god, this man will show off his power without hesitation. He knows he's hot shit. He knows he's the strongest person in all of Hell. He knows he's the top dog and he can do whatever he wants - even if he has no love or interest in interacting within the Pride Ring (as far as we've been shown).

He's got a lot of multi-facets to him and I adore it, and that's why I get so annoyed when all of that is stripped away and he's turned into this soft little sunshine UwU boi who's just a sad, sweet lil lamb who's done no wrong.

No! He has done many wrongs! There's a reason he and Charlie were estranged and I don't think it was Lilith's fault - or, at least, I don't think it was all her fault (I have many thoughts about Lucifer and Lilith's divorce, okay)

I didn't mean for this to turn into a full-blown character analysist post LOL but alas I tend to get carried away. This was all to say, I really enjoy RadioStatic because Alastor typically gets to keep his sadistic and whimsical side, and I appreciate that. His silliness means a lot a to me, and if he comes off as too stiff or formal, it takes me out of a story.

Lucifer's flaws and sheer power also mean a lot to me, and I wish there were more fics and fan-art that showed that. If Lucifer reads too much like a normal, every-day person, I lose interest. I like the idea of people getting used to him, and getting comfortable around his presence, only to get a sudden and overwhelming reminder that he is, in fact, an ancient and immortal being with immense power that their brains wouldn't even be able to comprehend.

I have so many headcanons about Lucifer as a fallen angel and how his habits and lifestyle developed over the thousands upon thousands of years he's been in Hell. Habits he's adopted that unconsciously help him duplicate the mannerisms and behavior of sinners and demons, but also those small, indistinct tells that are quick and subtle reminder that he could destroy everyone in Pentagram City with ease if he decided to; and also, those times if you were to look closely and really pay attention, you get the faint, unsettling feeling that there is something very un-human about him. A subtle, unnerving shiver down your spine as your instincts yell at you that this person is not a person at all, he's just passing off as one.

That shit gets me. Give me ancient, eldritch Lucifer and I'll love you forever.

I am sorry Anon, I did not mean for this response to get so big 😅 You gave me a paragraph and I gave you a novel. But yeah, save me RadioStatic artists, save me 🙏 I rarely have to worry about Alastor turning into a big, buff alpha man or a soft little UwU when he's with Vox, and I appreciate that.

Edit: Adding a screenshot of my tags here because apparently I wrote down too many and it cut off the character tags.

[animentality]

laughing at this convo I had the other day

so my friends and I play a soccer game called omega strikers, and my one buddy and I play a mean forward duo.

and we always joke around about blue lock, because you know, it's soccer.

but legitimately. as players.

my buddy plays a very precise character, who locks down areas and is always trying to anticipate what the enemy team is going to do next. he's a barrier character who relies on positioning.

meanwhile, my character is a brute force DPS, who moves in straight lines and has all abilities related to doing damage and hitting the ball very hard, and at strange, unpredictable angles. she excels at being in the right place at the right time, and quickly.

and legitimately... we play like a metavision x predator eye duo, because he's always aware of where opponents are, and thinking about what they're going to do. he plays like a midfielder, basically, always locking down the midfield, or making sure I can make a goal. he's very aware of what's going on at all times.

literally has Metavision.

meanwhile, I could not explain to you how I do what I do, AT ALL, because it's literally pure instinct for me.

I just know where I need to be, and I let muscle memory tell me where to run to. I am focused on the ball at all times, and sometimes I straight up just do not see what is happening anywhere else.

He's always enabling me to make shots or helping me kill or damage other players, and I don't usually notice, I just know it works, right, like, it's actually kind of funny, because he'll be like, I totally stopped the goalie from stopping you, and I'll be like oh did you? Cool. I just tried to score, and I did. So thanks.

But anyway, we were talking about this, and we came to the fucking hilarious realization.

that he is the Sae to my Shidou.

like fr.

I cannot explain how to play my character at ALL, because it all just comes to me from experience and instinct. I just rush around to where my heart wants me to go. I brute force goals in. I am constantly trying to score, even if it is not advantageous to do so. I miss as many shots as I take, because I'm just so aggressive, that I want to be in the penalty box as much as possible.

Plus, my character (the only character I willingly play, like ever, seriously, I never ever swap off her unless she gets banned), straight up demolishes people with a nuke, and has abilities that let me get wicked nasty angles on people that make it very hard to predict what I'm going to do... very Shidou coded, essentially.

Meanwhile, he's my Sae because his character has less abilities related to actually forcing the ball into goal, but he has impeccable set up ability. He's got the midfield on lockdown, and he's always thinking ahead of opponents. And he's my enabler.

and we're in love.

jk (or am I)

Anyway, we had a good laugh over this, because he knows I'm obsessed with Shidou... and the fucking irony is that even in a soccer game... I'm emulating this bitch, or rather, we share one soul, one nature, one heart.

call me predator eye kai.

[mixelation]

reborn au stuff: oto musings

i'm considering what sorts of things happen in oto & tori and orochimaru's relationship

tori's goal is to get into a lab and get her hands on fuinjutsu resources. i'm not going to let her have perfect recall for her techniques, and she needs them for researching chakra.

i think her getting to her goal is a lot of her going to orochimaru and saying things like: well if a summons can use chakra, why can't i use animal chakra? and then he gives her free reign of some supplies/ a space and is like "alright, why don't you run the experiment, then" fully expecting her to fail. except tori KNOWS this game so the first few times she asks questions she already knows the answer to. orochimaru wants to push her to her limits and see where she fails, and tori is not ever going to show him her limits

so she eventually gets full lab access and she gets a lot of one-on-one time with him. he does like having a little science student to mentor. she is one of his favorite.

but thinking about the oto characters we know orochimaru favored or liked, he uh. he DEFINITELY mostly likes people with high combat prowess. so at some point, i think tori will run into a problem where she is like, "Well, no, I just want to know about chakra for the sake of knowing about it. I don't really care about how to use it to kill people."

And Orochimaru very much does care about using jutsu to kill people. He's a scientist but he's also a ninja. Obviously you should want to know about chakra so you can make more jutsu. He's disappointed Tori is not naturally good at combat, and he's even more disappointed that she's unmotivated to get better.

i'm imagining tori finally being like: "fine, i'll show him i'm just as deadly kimimaro (fuck you, kimimaro)" and she goes out and finds some random ninja and traps them in a barrier.

the random ninja is from one f the major villages, who are still traipsing through Oto even as the war is basically just minor scuffles now. ideally it would be a canon character. i was debating someone like genma or hayate.

tori does not break a sweat trapping this random ninja. she is very small and civilian-coded and wily. also they cannot get out because even if she hits like an academy student, she is a fuinjutsu master.

and then i can't decide if she drags them off to orochimaru, kills them, or frets over it for hours and then lets them go. the first one fits into tori's characterization of "increasingly does horrifying shit for petty reasons" and has the narrative payoff of maybe some sort of Consequence down the line depending on the character. the last one leans more into Tori setting herself apart as not a low-budget Orochimaru and someone who might do horrifying things but ultimately doesn't enjoy hurting people, and has the narrative pay off "could be really funny later"

genma: oh..... that girl

genma: no, i don't like her. she's creepy af and she scares me

tori: (is literally 12 and a genin and can't even tree walk properly)

so rn i'm leaning towards the latter. we can of course let tori keep whoever for hours in a horrible cramped space and monologue at them. as a little treat

also i guess she goes back to oto and is like "guess i'm simply morally better than everyone else (SHRUG EMOJI)" after torturing some random guy for no reason all day

[petterwass]

Ho'olheyak really is quite the tragic figure once you read her file, isn't she?

For all her being very funny and her inexhaustible Bug Bunny energy, she really has been through so much, forced into a generations-long project that she never asked for, as a mere infant.

Is a small baby she was subjected to some sort of horrible brain surgery that forced the entirety of her species history into her brain and drastically cut down her lifespan, which is implied to be both very traumatic (only a infant could possibly survive it because once a child is old enough to have a sence of "self" it would have been completely obliterated along with their mind) and with incredibly high mortality (As Warfarin puts it: "I don't want to ask her how, many siblings she *had*).

All to force her to continue her family's generations-long project to restore the bloodline powers of the ancient ku'kul'kan.

While she maintains that the brain surgery does not in any force her to do this, she could if she wanted to, drop the entire thing. But I wonder how true that is.

After all, the sunk cost fallacy is real, and once you've already paid with half of your life, what choice is there really but to continue the work? To to otherwise would be to say that the price you paid was not worth it. That the price your mother paid, and her mother before her, going back hundreds if not thousands of years, was not worth it. That the goal they worked towards is not worth trying to achieve. That the sacrifice that was forced upon you has no meaning.

Which child, implanted with scenes of your people's lost grandeur and raised from birth for this single mission, could really say that they are doing it of their own free will? That they had a choice, when they were selected to pay the price for it even before they were born?

One wonders also, how this has created the Ho'olheyak we know. How different would she be if she did not have her people's history rattling around in her brain since before she could talk?

It also explains in a way, her wanting up always work alone. After all, who else could understand the importance of her mission, how everything and everyone can be sacrificed on its altar if need be, than the one who has already paid the highest price for it, and who can literally feel the wingsbeats of ancient ku'kul'kan in her mind? Who else could ever understand.

And that's not getting into her equipment, how each part of the gear she carries is intended to mimic a trait of the mythical Ku'kul'kan, how this burden she carries is literally too heavy to bear without using her arts to lighten it (her exoskeleton alone weighs over 90 kilograms. Without using her arts to lighten it, she would not be able to move). How perhaps the burden of reviving a extinct bloodline would be too much to bear for any human, except perhaps, one created for that express purpose with Arts and brain surgery, to be the perfect, or indeed, the only possible banner-bearer that could endure the weight of generations of sacrifice towards a single cause? Maybe I'm reading up much into it but the parallels are there.

And in the end, soon enough, as her drastically shortened lifespan runs out. She will breed, likely several times to endure she has backup infants (and isn't that a cold-blooded thought? "the first one might not survive, better make more") . And she will subject her infants to the same horribly invasive and lethal brain surgery as was done to her. Until one of them survives. And that one will carry on the project. That one surviving baby will bear the torch. Will burn their life from both ends.

Of her own free will.

You can probably draw a lot of interesting parallels here. Both to the greatness of multi-generational work: "I plant a tree so my grandchildren can sit in the shade", but also to continuing cycles of abuse: "This, was done to me. I will do it to my children in turn. And they to their children. And the one that survived will carry on the torch."

I don't know. I just think she's incredibly fascinating and interesting once you get beyond the first, obvious outer layer of Sexy Fucked Up Evil Snake Woman.

There's really a lot there. And I love her. She is so very much more fucked up than you initially think she is.

[kitty-kitty-boomba]

Hi Honey! Welcome home!

omogomgomgomgomg-

AMAB! Sevika x Reader- BUT IN REVERSE

JUST HEAR ME OUT-

Also- this shit is long as hell. Like, I'm actually so sorry. P.S- I ran out of steam after I explain the situation, so respectfully? Writing is a tinie bit trash- But just a little! Also, no rlly proof-read sorryyyy

18+! MDNI

Please enjoy and let me know your thoughts!

Sevika and you have been married for four years now- and today would be your anniversary. You were actually celebrating being together for 10 yrs, your argument being that knowing each other as friends still counts. Sevika didn't care so as long as she had you, so she was all gun-ho for whatever you wanted as long as she got her "alone" time with you. Point is, you been planning for this day a lot. Like- for two weeks straight- a lot. Honestly, planning has never been this hard for you. Which is funny, because planning a wedding and the fattest after-party is no joke. For other people, what you were doing is arguably too much. But there is no such thing when it comes to your lil' mamma [i'm srry].

To break it down, you were going to spoil her like she spoils you. And thanks to her Ovulation days starting right in the first two days before the anniversary- you weren't going to have an issue fucking her stupid and taking charge for the night. That was your ultimate goal out of everything- but nobody knew that but you. [lies- Sevika knows. we'll get back to that.]

1st: You would start with Breakfast in bed and kisses. Give a massage if she likes. Really just seduce her, and mayybe give her a baby edible so she's near putty because otherwise, she'd spoil it for herself. After she got her mandatory cuddle session, you'd tell her you have to give your mom something. You'd send her off to hang with the kids a bit before stealing her- promising you wouldn't pass 5 o'clock because duh.

2nd: Literally everything else.

Thankfully, the two weeks was just you trying to see what Sevika wanted as a meal and not you picking out a theme to decorate with. Decoration was easy: Dim lighting via the fancy light switches you had Sevika install years ago, fake rose petals, real roses for the vases, regular candles for the dinning table, and a few vanilla scented candles for the bedroom. [your like for vanilla rubbed off on her. you didn't want kill more roses. you love roses, you like flowers in ur in vases and said vases are empty. you will be too busy fucking, you aren't burning the house down with candles]

Sevika- like the little shit she is- tried her damnedest to distract you from your spoiling mission, because of course she is. She acted all seductive and fucked you anywhere-anytime so you'd forget about whatever you had planned. The only way you got your answer was letting her fuck you until she collapsed. She could barley think straight, and while you weren't any better, you mumbled the ask just for her to say the dish you both have been eyeing for a while. You figured she'd want that, but you still wanted to make sure.

Secretly- at least that's what you thought, we'll get 2 that too- You shopped all the ingredients for it two days before. [You hid it in the Last Drop's fridge for a day before taking it back home. Vander, Silco, and Ran were Angels- Helping you by getting the kids to not mention the weird selection of groceries and keeping Sevika from opening it herself]

You also planned to get the homemade chocolate from her grandma's, Amelia: Yours and Sevika's favorite sweets of all time.

The last thing was dress up, which again, also wasn't hard. Sevika always dressed nice because she knows how much the little things mean to you. It was you who was freaking out on what to wear. You took to your mom, asking to get dressed at her house because you were worried Sevika would find the clothes. You wouldn't be wearing them long, but this was a semi-surprise so you were doing the grand reveal bit. You were torn between a dress like usual, or spicing things up and surprising your wife by matching her style a bit and wearing a suit. Ultimately- your mom silenced your worries by saying that Sevika would love to see you with a tailored suit on. She got you one as her anniversary gift. You just about cried.

3rd: Execute said planned and get fucked. That's it. Your not sure way you wrote that in the list- that's something that's literally impossible to not do with Sevika as your wife... But who cares?

During the planning, you were buttering Sevika up. From high-end Whiskey and Scotch, to flowers and chocolate, you were laying it on thick. You know it takes Sevika a minute to warm up to pampering- even if the minute was just her trying to distract you- so you happily continued and waited until she gave you nothing but a whine when you dissolved her into putty.

On the night before though- you had a mini-break down.

You did a facetime call with Amelia and your mom, out on your balcony trying to stop tearing up and keep your voice down as you voiced how nervous you were. Would the food come out good? Would it even come out at all? Would you burn it- or maybe do something else to mess it up? Could you even decorate and get dressed in time? Did you have to do hair, make up, and clothes before hand to cut down time? What if you sweat it all of or smell like steak! What if-!

They silence you quickly. They're helping you with the little things, so why not a bit more? They don't have nothing important for that day besides sending little gifts with you. So, you all agree to take a job. The food is meant to be cooked closer to when Sevika expected to be home, but if you got nervous, you could cook and Amelia would bud if you needed her and put everything in the oven to keep them fresh until they had to leave. Your mom would help decorate if necessary, and your hair will be the first thing done and pinned up in pin-curls so it would beautiful after you get dressed. Easy peasy- and if not- they'll make it happen for their favorite girl.

That helped more than you could ever say, and you slept real nice that night thanking the powers that the sleep aids you gave Sevika kept her sleepy so she wouldn't spoil anything. Little did you know, they weren't working for you.

Sevika had both them, Vander, Silco, and Ran recruited to keep you thinking you were being slick. She tricked you and picked the dish you wanted almost since the month started because she wanted you to enjoy the meal too- plus, that steak looked freaking amazing in the cookbook picture. The whole resistance to your pampering was Sevika being her beautiful self. She allows tons of things, but that type of love is hard for her to receive. So on top of watching you, she pampered you her own way by loving on you a lot more and giving you cash to spend. You kept saying you don't need it, but that shy smile and the blush blooming all over you was more than enough to keep it coming.

The smug sex-distraction part was improvised at first, because there was no way she could keep her hands off you for more than two seconds. But after it became clear it was working- Who is she to not take advantage?

So, as you planned- she planned.

She'd let you take it away, whatever decore you wanted, and anything else. She felt a bit bad for going behind your back after you spent time trying to make things perfect, so she transferred money into you account everyday and kept saying it was her "early anniversary gift". She didn't hear the conversation, but they called and told her the morning of that you were very excited, aka their way of saying her poor baby is stressed out. She was ready to tell everyone to spill the beans- but after all you've done, she really wanted to treat you.

And treat you she did.

Come the morning of, she lets do your thing, it was hard not too.

But after you do your whole spiel and send her off- both plans go into motion.

She did her everything shower, oiled up, and scented herself to the gods with that smokey, musky, amber/vanilla date-night scent you adore on her. After, she went to The Last Drop. Ran did Sevika's hair, nails [prosthetic too], and makeup, shit-talking and drinking with their best friend to calm her nerves. They even helped attach the new "skin" Sevika made for her arm, The smooth arm-like copper remined them of the one she made for her wedding day, just a bit less ornate. This is the most she's done since her wedding day, and a part of her felt completely ridiculous because she's long since forgotten how getting extra dressy felt. She doesn't understand what's become of her right now, but she feels to giddy to crush her sparking confidence- these red little almond nails looked too good.

She looked too good. If she says so herself.

Silco kept the kids upstairs with cartoon and an excessive amount of Amelia's chocolates- so it was up to Vander and Ran to keep that fire going and have their friend strut her shit for her special day. The eggs are taking over though, because while they give her a pep-talk that woman is thinking of all the positions to get that baby [lil' shit] that you've both wanted desperately [as of two months now].

A once over and Ran sends her off, telling another crappy joke and telling her not to forget to fluff her hair after she takes the rollers out. Sevika had two cups a liquid audacity that was more than enough to have her strutting the streets with her silk scarf covered head and her painted face. Everyone is looking at her in awe- only looking away when they realize that they're not worthy. If you were here with her, you'd stare at whoever even dared to look at her extremely wrong. She laughs to herself at that, causing some to flinch and scurry back to their little corner.

Because she timed it [and cus Amelia told her so], she went home to cook her gal a meal with an extra dessert planned...

She's shocked when the food comes banger and smells absolutely devine. You would love this, you'd be so proud- that's what she muses with, and her cunt certainly agrees if that clench was anything to go by. When she finishes frosting the cake, your mom calls her, letting her know that your dress and on your way. She laugh too herself for a good 2 mins, the idea of you dress up and fighting the steak hilarious to her. Thanking her for the heads-up, Sevika ends the call -covers the cake- and puts on the lace number, her thigh-highs and garter, and the dress.

Yes. A dress.

And fuck did she look smoking.

She did a once-over and applied more lipstick and perfume, before speeding back to the kitchen to grab the fancy bucket Silco gifted her on her wedding day. The champagne and towel looked professional, and she's three steps away from the table to finish setting it-

Then the door jingles.

She's about cumbusts right there on the damn spot [get it? I'm srry again]. Almost tossing the thing on the table and throwing herself to you- but she rehearsed this- she knows what to do.

Fucking focus Sevika Lanes!

You open the door and drop both the keys and chocolate on the little table by the door. She sauntered over so fucking proud, a nervous flash making your diamond nibble her lips before letting go. A sultry tone nearly silence by your horniess.

"Welcome home doll."

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Your eyes are everywhere. Where can you pick when everything's fucking delicious?

A black get up, there's no color besides a blood red on her lips. A fifties old money heart-throb is what your diamond is. Her hair falling just like that pretty hairstyle you see in the stereotypes, the one with a side part and covering her eye? Yeah. And the short hair was making things extra tempting. You smell her from here, you catch the teardrop pearl earrings and matching necklace you bought her decorating her skin. But that dress. The thing itself is velvet, a deep sweetheart with semi-thin halter strap making those pretty tits even more plush. You make her do a little spin, and it's low cut-out back too, the most sinful thing. The bottom of the dress is a problem. There's a slit, ending right atop her hip, the floor-length skirt making those legs damn delectable in your eyes. Fuck- is she using a garter belt to hold the tights? Oh shit, an actual- fuck- a garter touching your shit. Oh- heels.

You don't know you moved impossibly closer to her until Sevika nervously asks: "Uh- D-doll? Are y-you ok?"

Oh you just about take her on the damn door, but your nose catches something real nice behind her. Fuck- answer her!

"Oh. O-oh honey. Oh yes."

Your voice isn't above a whisper, your too in love to properly voice all the emotions you feel right now. All of them putting joy to shame. You hear her deflate almost, leaning into your open arms with a sigh, sucking in your scent when she realized you wore your signature: A soft floral scent, a bit of fruity coming through the hints of amber. It sound weird to say out loud to anyone- but it's so unequivocally you.

"Oh gods, good. I thought you'd be mad at me after all the work you went through to make things perfect..."

Her voice is shaky, not with tears thankfully, but with relief. She just keeps huffing you, just like she does when she needs to ground herself . You on the other hand? You are doing nothing wholesome, nor are you thinking it. You are acting very un-lady like, groping her ass and sniffing that scent that has you complete drugged. There's no way you could go through with this, not when her boobs touch your face. Not when she smell like this. Not when her hormones beg for your love. Not when-

"Doll- I want you to see something. Keep it in you pants a little longer? For me- MÍ Amor?"

This is when it clicks that's it taking everything in her to shimmy out of your grip. When you register that the thing your smelling is food and not only her arousal- You quickly nod your head and briskly let go like she burned you. It's that or your taking that slutty dress off. Mrs. Rabbit who?

She backs up, fixes herself and re-adjusts her hair, and takes you by the hand.

Oh gods: how beautiful she set this table. It looked fantastic.

You hoped you expressed as much as your mouth hung open in disbelief, then Sevika had the gall to hold her hands together Infront of her, nervous. How could she be nervous? Still, she nibbled on her lip waiting for you to say something.

And how she'd take anything to silence the ache in her chest. Gods, you looked entirely to good in that suit for her to continue with this dinner. Why do you always want to do these nice things? She needs to get railed ri-

"Diamond... This is beautiful. You did all of this?"

She give a little nod, her proud feeling making her all giddy and having her stand taller like she needed to correct her posture. You had a ridiculous smile probably, but you were so fucking amazed and proud of her, you didn't dare school your joy.

"Thihis is amazing love! Look at you being a lil' chef! You telling me you could do this all along?!"

She snorts a laugh, fully relieved that your happy and not disappointed that she ruined your surprised- but with relief comes something darker that's clouding 90% of her vison. You both know it.

Dinner's here- you're just missing the show. To redeem yourself you pull out her chair and have her sit down, pushing her in before running to your seat. Once your settled, you pour the champagne and give her the flute: Then she says, "Bueno Amor, open it. I hope you like it, I think I might have put bit to much pepper..."

=======

Anddd skiping to a blip of smut, I can't think rn- to much flustered. But know this- she brutal on the other side of the table and teasing you to no end. Horny she is- but she's making sure it ur problem. P.S- Sevika is bra-less, and ur telling me "girl- duh" but you don't get it. there's no pasties either, just pretty tities with nipples poking right through.

===SMUT====

Sevika doesn't know when you ever fucked her this hard. You're practically growling, and animalistic need taking you as you rail her harder each time like your thick 9 inches isn't stretching her to the brink of insanity. Oh- and how incredible that would be. Sevika can't fight it, she lost her ordering rights when she pushed you too far at the table. Even if you let her have a few seconds of control at the beginning. She's left trying to crawl away just for you to pull her back telling the nastiest thing in her ear.

"You think y' so fukin' funny huh? Wearing that skimpy thing, being a good lil' -hah- M-my good housewife 'nd not have may baby? But y' want that no? y'a want a lil' cake in there. Ya?"

And all she could do is sob through a moan, a babble trying to cuss you out as she begs you for more.

She gets that baby that night, but you make sure the next morning.

@archangeldyke-all- Hope you like?😭can't write rn- but hopfully you can do the dinner and the smut better?

Hopfully y'all enjoy too!!

kisssessssss

[star-centric]

I'm glad to hear you liked the older Nakahara prompt I sent! Hope you don't mind if I send another, I really like this idea as well. I was thinking of the aftermath of Chuuya learning about his siblings' amnesia and thought what if: Dazai got attached to Chuuya's sibling during the time they were together the same way he started to care for Oda and Ango in the future, basically genuinely seeing them as an older sibling. So now, he's constantly bickering back and forth with Chuuya (not that it's any different from Canon) like brothers and arguing over who's the favorite little brother. I say this because Chuuya's sibling would probably start to see him as a younger brother again, but in a sort of "I already have one baby brother, what's one more?" Type of way. They don't remember that he's their actual brother and think he's mistaken them for his actual sibling. They still think Dazai is their brother. I mean this in a funny way. They complain to Kouyou all the time about their "Little brothers who are constantly fighting"

CHARACTERS: Chuuya Nakahara and Older Sibling!Reader

NOTE: I guess this would count as a “sequel” (?) to this post, but that part doesn’t need to be read to understand this!

CW: strictly platonic/familial relationship, fluff, a teeny tiny bit of angst if you squint but it’s barely noticeable, mild language

“What am I going to do Kouyou?”

“I don’t think there is anything you could do.”

You sighed, already tempted to let your head fall on the table. You felt annoyed, confused, and more importantly- tired. Even when they weren’t around, you could still hear their arguments in your head.

You knew that Dazai and Chuuya had…friction between them. It wasn’t weird that they argue- you just didn’t think it would happen so much. It was tolerable at first, but now it’s getting to the point that you’re wondering what you did to deserve this. They may be two of the deadliest assets to the Port Mafia, but they’re still kids- and your little brothers.

“I mean, their fights don’t even make sense half of the time!” You whined. “I know that they’re teens and it’s bound to happen, but every single day? Don’t I deserve a break from this madness too?”

All Kouyou could do is chuckle and sip on her tea. You wish you could be relaxed like she was, even if she was being entertained by your pain at the moment.

“Of course you do- but I don’t think there’s any way for them to get along willingly outside of missions.”

“They can’t even get along during missions.” Which was true. The mission would be complete and you would come back with what was needed, but Dazai and Chuuya would still bump heads. Sometimes you wondered if your targets were grateful that they would be unconscious if it meant not having to listen to literal teens argue about whatever- you were a little jealous.

“They don’t realize how similar they are to each other- same with their goals revolving around you.”

“Which would be what?”

Kouyou was about to answer when you both heard a smash. Then yelling that was indiscernible at first until-

“See? That’s why I’m the favorite brother!”

“Like hell you are- you’re not even their brother!”

“That’s not what they think.”

You groaned while Kouyou watched on Dazai and Chuuya walked in, glaring at one another.

“Seems like that’s my cue to leave.”

“Wait Kouyou please-“

“I’ll stop by another time when you won’t be so…preoccupied. Have fun!” And with that, she walked off, heels clicking down the hall even with the growing yelling nearing your ears.

Dazai and Chuuya were already at each others throat, ready to hurl out more insults when you finally had enough.

You placed a hand on top of their hands, instantly silencing them.

If you didn’t care for them, you would probably both have them on the floor writhing in pain, showing the same mercy that you showed your enemies- which was none.

But you really did care for them- both of them.

“Hey, didn’t I say you two need to start being nicer to each other?”

“You can’t expect me to be nice to that dog-“

“And you can’t expect me to be nice to that bastard!”

You sighed- don’t know why you expected a different outcome.

“You’re both my favorites- so can you please stop now?”

You ruffled their locks, hearing them grumble under their breaths. You rolled your eyes- they can be so dramatic.

“You’re both my brothers, and nothing is going to change that.”

Chuuya snuck away from your touch, keeping his eyes glued to the floor. You’ve both come a long way from your initial meeting, and while there were some rockiness in the beginning, your relationship had gotten significantly better.

You really did see Chuuya as a brother.

But every time you said that, he would always look so…sad. So defeated, so bitter.

“I’m going to report to the boss.”

He sucked his teeth and walked away, not giving you a chance to stop him.

You thought you messed up any chance of a bond at first, but he gravitated towards you like nothing- so what was the issue? Even with Dazai trying to grab your attention, you couldn’t shake off your worriness.

You would try to get him to tell you what’s wrong, but he would just play it off like it’s nothing. The way his eyes looked just now told you a different story.

It bothered you that you couldn’t decipher what was eating at him. Your head would throb in frustration the harder you tried to dived into it. It was like an itch that you couldn’t scratch, the one thing that would linger on your mind each day.

It was like you were forgetting something.

[goshen-applecrumbledore]

Hey, I'm a big fan of your writing, I was wondering what your favorite books are/which authors inspire you?

I love getting this question LET'S GOOOOOO

PATRICK ROTHFUSS

I'm hugely inspired by his writing (name of the wind, the wise man's fear) in terms of it being super engaging worldbuilding, but I imagine you're specifically asking about writing STYLE, and he also holds up for that. to quote brandon sanderson's praise on the back of wise man's fear:

"Masterful prose, a sense of cohesion to the storytelling, a wonderful sense of pacing... There is a beauty to Pat's writing that defies description."

my goal with my writing is to keep it tight, keep it moving, but also to get at some deep crunchy emotions, and rothfuss is a real north star for that. gorgeous prose and everything is exactly where and when it needs to be. when I'm reading one of his books I have to constantly stop to jot something down for my own work because it jogs so many thoughts

AMERICAN PSYCHO, BRET EASTON ELLIS

This is the only book of his I've read so far, so I'm calling it out specifically. what a FUCKING masterclass in knowing the rules so you can break them. the fucking dialogue and characterization is bar none, I was HOWLING laughing (it's much funnier than the movie). his prose flows so strangely and perfectly around, it's super dialogue heavy how I like, and people talk like people while also being insanely absurd and funny. it's unparalleled in those micro-level interactions I love to write

URSULA LE GUIN

The fuckin woman herself!!! there's nothing to say about her work that most people don't already know, but the thing that is so powerful to me is that she has a way of describing the most mundane details that makes me just pause and be so grateful to be alive. aside from the content of her work, which is world class storytelling and also some truly gutting stuff, there's just this evocative nature to it. just like.. wow I am literally sitting on a sunny hillside in the long grass, tired and dirty from work but very alive. drinking some cold water and eating some crusty bread.... it's incredible.

BONUS: MOVIES

I am so inspired by movies!! movies are essentially novel length and I get a lot of storytelling inspiration from movies. here are some that I love for narrative reasons

After Hours (Scorcese)

One of my favourite "guy has the worst night of his life" movies. an excellent example of how much good shit you can stuff into a single evening in a character's life, with threads connecting it all.

Daddy Longlegs (Safdie bros)

An all timer. A perfect example of writing a protagonist who's a dirtbag, and of making your audience SO fucking uncomfortable. Any narrative that gets at that level of discomfort is fucking incredible, it's such a specific thing

Thunder Road (Jim Cummings)

Just an incredible characterization of a protag. Immediately gets you into his head. Incredible portrayal of anger issues and addiction, and a stellar example of combining humour and deep crushing sadness, failure, patheticness etc in a way I find massively inspiring

THANKS FOR ASKING, THIS WAS FUN

[ohwell-itsme-but-danganronpa]

Antag Swap Ideas

Clown: Out of all of the 3 main games what cast do ya'll think Ouma would thrive with?? And why is it sdr2?/j Hina: Trigger Happy Havoc It is not SDR2, no way sksksksms Clown: Nah but I'm curious if any of you think he would have genuinely had a better time with the others Also shhh, let me pretend he'd have an easier time with hajime hinata Me: It's true, no pretending Hina: Well Makoto is the calmest dkdkkddk I just think THH as a whole tends to get less angry Not as many loud personalities to conflict with Me: There's no need to fight, he'd be way better off in either of those than in v3 Ves: kokichi in thh would be so funny. he is pulling celeste's pigtails

Hina: (Also I am going under the assumption by joining these casts he is replacing either Byakuya or Nagito respectively) Clown: Yeah same

Hina: Nagito would thrive in V3 Ves: he would be friends with tsumugi ..frenemies maybe Clown: HE WOULD BE Nagito would attach himself to kaede so fast And it will go so bad, but in a very funny way Hina: Byakuya in SDR2 would go well tbh There’s two of him Ves: I'M THE REAL BYAKUYA, KILL THE CLONE- Clown: He's the less cool byakuya everyone's gonna vote him off the island Me: Twogami [handshake emoji] Fuyuhiko - being the Cooler Dan to him

Me: Sdr2 Works because they're all like that. He wouldn't be outcasted. He doesn't reach the levels at which Nagito managed to cross the line of their tolerance Hina: See my thought with THH is having more calculated personalities, more people who are willing to work together. I think he’d have a better time as a leader in that cast Thh never outcasts anyone in the way the other games do Me: Oh yeah, he would be still able to antagonize a few people in thh and keep his shtick, it just would not escalate like in v3, because they have more integrity (low bar) and can be more normal about disliking someone. Sdr2 gang would be just not phased by this clown, they'd sense he's one of them (freaks) Ves: he'd fare better even in udg i think v3 is a uniquely unhinged cast Clown: Yeah!! This combined with the fact that hajime is just the type of person to push pass any frustration and think about what they can do (asking nagito for help when he needs it), akane being suprisingly good at reading people (like fuyuhiko), and even Hiyoko with her not being shy on putting out there that she has a grudge and doubts. For ouma in THH tho, what would his relationship with kirgiri be like? Hina: I think it’d be a mutual respect Maybe not besties I don’t think she trusts him But she can respect him Clown: I could see him getting along with chihiro and sakura too, and sayaka Okay yeah I can see how he would've been Ballin in literally any of the other two casts Sakuras gonna shove him to the side and go "Actually I'm the one who's gonna sacrifice myself to further our goal to end the killing game" and then they fight/j Having a play fight over who takes the last bottle of poison (the rest are shattered on the floor) Apollo: I love Kokichi and Chihiro friendship

Clown: Okay but imagining ouma in thh oh man, so much. IF the first murder still is Sayaka breaking down and going for it I can imagine him doing his silly little warnings towards her. But since she is not the main driving force of the group like kaede was how differently would it affect him?? And with the sakura situation, that fucker never sleeps. Like kirgiri he is sticking his nose everywhere. I could see him finding out that sakura is hiding something, and begin to needle her about it. Offhand comments here and there. And sakura is smart, and more than that she isnt rash, she'd confront him about it in private almost immediately. And she wouldn't try to kill him. Maybe she would tell him or maybe not but she isn't violent with him and she doesn't fit his view of a murderer. DOUBTS.

[kelean]

it's always funny to me when people blame jack's insanity and genocidal tendencies solely on lilith and moxxi's so-called "betrayal" and at this point i'm convinced that they played some different game because:

lilith and moxxi literally saw him kill innocent scientists only because he thought they may betray him, but there was no solid evidence for that. and even if there actually was a traitor among them, jack could've simply put them in some sort of jail or just deal with them quietly. but no. instead he decided to make a whole show out of killing them in one of the most cruel ways possible, while gathering all of his allies around. because his goal wasn't to just get rid of someone you can't trust - he wanted lilith, moxxi and roland to see what will happen to them if they dare to disobey him

after he killed the meriff he thought that it was - quote-unquote - "invigorating". killing scientists also "felt good". normal person behavior btw

he never cared about felicity. he doesn't feel any remorse or guilt after killing her, even though she was helping him this entire time. and correct if i'm wrong, but while he did need an army to take helios back, he, in the end, never actually used it. the loaders in bl:tps couldn't do much - we had to manually turn them into the loaders who can shoot or blow up stuff. and it was after we already got on helios. so basically, there was no rush to make a constructor out of felicity and consequently kill her in the process

by the time of the events of bl:tps he has already destroyed moxxi's underdome like she said in one of the side quests in bl2 (nevertheless, she still agreed to help him). and before you say anything about how he couldn't actually do that and it's a retcon because he was a low-level programmer may i remind you that he had the money to make a goddamn body double for himself. he had a fancy office. he had a chamber for angel's containment. and i think it's pretty believable that a person with that much money is capable of doing that

and yes, angel. while lilith and roland didn't know about that at the time, he has already enslaved his own daughter many years ago and used her to manipulate them into finding the vault for him in bl1. and he had the resources to keep her in her place, too

so, of course, when they saw the eye of the destroyer they knew what was going on. imagine somehow killing a monster that took down armies just to see its' eye being used by some big fucking corporation for god knows what years later

now, to the fun part - the betrayal. let's just say that moxxi’s good at reading people - she wasn’t wrong when she called jack a «power-hungry psychopath» and said that «a lot of decent people will live to regret it if you come down from helios alive» as we will see in the future events. she and others saw jack's true colors shine through during their little quest to save the moon and it was the only logical conclusion. she was fucking right

moxxi specifically asked jack to be at the eye of helios because she planned to kill him (and, well, people who agreed to work for him) and him (and his team) only. moreover, the station was already under attack by the lost legion by quite some time. so there was literally no possibility that it would've impacted any innocents (so idk from where some people got the idea that they killed "millions of innocent hyperions" - that's just called making shit up)

jack, on the other hand, didn't know how much of an impact that caused. however, he isn’t sad about the possible death of people that singularity might have caused (again, it could, but it didn’t - still, Jack doesn’t give a fuck). he isn’t even worried about his own team. all he cares about is that he lost a very valuable and deadly weapon because of «the things he could have done with it» - and it’s pretty obvious what exactly can you do with this sort of weapon. it wasn't just standing there to look pretty you know

also, while we’re at it, you can even argue how this whole “saving the moon and its’ people” thing might have been just a cover up for a real reason – that is, get this very dangerous weapon back under his control. but that's just a speculation based on some of the in-game things i've noticed, so let's not dwell on it

finally, i never really got why people are so mad at lilith for punching jack - she literally admits that she should’ve just killed him instead, as, in the end, it costed her a lot of people’s lives and, more specifically, roland’s life. she feels extremely guilty. she knows that she fucked up. her main mistake, however, wasn't that she "betrayed" jack - her main mistake was leaving him to die instead of finishing a job and thinking that he can actually be trustworthy

[awellboiledicicle]

Mo the Human is setting some people up for deep confusion, expressly because I'm clearing out my storage bins.

Specifically, I had several gemstones and i didn't want to just sell them bc I knew people like getting their starstone. So I gave one to Chayne, Najuma, Reth and Hassain.

Najuma got all hyped and was like "aw yeah I collect these this is great" and Chayne was just honored they thought to gift him something so rare and valuable.

So when Mo trots up to Reth at 6am and hands him a citrine, they have a certain level of expected reaction. Like they assume at worst he gets awkward about being given a thing. Best case they get a hi five.

They do not expect him to slowly look between the rock in their outstretched palm and their face with a deeply baffled expression before sliding into his chatty and charming persona. He takes it and thanks them, before clearing his throat and scurrying off.

Oh well, maybe he's got stuff to do. Is their assumption as they trot off to go find Hassain.

Cut to Reth around a corner trying to fucking divine what in the goddamn they meant by giving him his starstone, cut and polished, when their interaction level so far as been helping him with illegal things and chatting about cooking when they aren't finding ingredients.... that he specifically asked for. Wait. Were they just being friendly? Was this how they flirt?? Was his banter being taken very seriously and they're doubling down like this because they dont know how majiri do things? They didn't seem nervous he'd reject it, so if it was flirting they felt confident enough that he'd be into it. Or that could point to it literally just meaning they found it and thought of him. Which makes him feel a whole different but related series of things.

He comments about it to Tish next he sees her and she proceeds to fulfill her sibling quota of teasing him. Half because aw and half because "No, they're also fire type. If they were flirting they'd probably just tell you. They just found something nice and wanted to share."

Jump cut to Hassain flatly asking why they're trying to give him his starstone. They raise an eyebrow.

"It's your er star thing, yeah? I found it a while ago, but when I saw it in storage last night i remembered you mentioning it. So i wanted you to have it instead of me just selling it." They shrugged. "If you don't want it--"

"No, I will accept the gift. It is.. very kind of you to offer." He tucks it into a pouch and sizes them up for a second. Amusement flashes over his features just slow enough for them to catch before he shakes his head. "Do humans make a habit of gifting gems to people?"

Well now they felt like he was, in his own way, trying not to laugh at them. Which was an intriguing enough proposition that they set aside the option that they'd just fucked up. Slowly, they tilted their head and leaned sideways to get a better look at his face-- a task made more difficult by his instinctive shifting around to be able to look at their face without actually facing them.

"Yeah? Why?" More leaning as he shook his head at them. "Are shiny rocks rude? Is there a shiny rock day where they're allowed? What?"

His lips pressed into a line.

"What was your goal, giving me this?"

"To... give you a nice rock? Because after the temple I kinda assumed we were some kinda friends?" They straightened up and crossed their arms. "To make you happy, if you wanna get abstract I guess?"

"I see." He sighed, nodding to himself. He looked a bit too amused to be mad at them, so they were assuming they just messed up a little bit. At least it seemed to be in a funny way. He took a deep breath. "Generally, if someone goes through the trouble of finding your starstone, they're hoping for a specific form of response."

He waved his hand, bidding them to finish the line of reasoning so he didn't have to. They unfortunately did, eyes unfocusing for a second. Then they blinked and a look of mortification took them over.

"Hassain, tell me: scale of 'I like you as a person' to asking to fuck, where is what I just did?"

"That is a ridiculous scale."

Their eyes widened and they took a step closer, grabbing onto his shoulders before he could back away. He wasn't particularly motivated to, because he sensed no danger to it, but still. Their grip tightened as he tried to lean a bit back, though. If they didn't look so suddenly concerned, he'd have been more upset.

"Hassain, I have given several people rocks and I need to know if i just came across as the weirdo that hits on people with no context. Hassain, please." A slight pressure that hes was reasonably sure was them trying to shake him slightly. "I gave *Najuma* a quartz because she said she liked them, Hassain!"

"I... did not mean to imply that's what it always meant. Gifts are.. just what friends and neighbors do." He gave their arm an awkward pat as they processed his words and seemed to relax a touch. Enough to let him go, anyway. "My point was more... imagine you wanted chocolate. And you wanted to share the chocolate, because you bought more than you could eat. If you sat down in the tavern and asked if anyone wanted some, it would have no special meaning. Now imagine you had just so happened to make the same offer, but you had managed to catch someone alone when you offer the chocolate."

They pinched the bridge of their nose.

"Context."

"Yes."

"In my defense, how the fuck was I supposed to know that?" A sigh as they rubbed their face. "Well, thanks for telling me. I promise that if the day comes where I want to flirt with you, I will flat say so."

This earned another glint of amusement and a raised eyebrow.

"I assume your attempts would involve more rocks."

A snort.

"Nah, I'd just drop a solid hundred chaapa hide at your feet and ask if you'd like a coat made from them."

"That.... would be a large coat."

"Yes. But more importantly, you would have reserves for bedding and leather working and rugs. Or more coats." They held up a finger. "Which means I could theoretically wear them later."

"And why," he raised an eyebrow. "Would you be wearing my clothes?"

Their expression got suddenly very serious, if not a little grave.

"If I decided to flirt with you, it would be because I decided to love you romantically and that would mean sharing our things as we shared a life together." They nodded to themselves. "Which would mean I get to wear your coat. Or slippers."

"Ah"

After this the conversation was cut off by a Proudhorn teleporting through and distracting the both of them.

[justmenoworries]

Lore Olmypus Episode 271 Spoilers

We're in the endgame now. I guess.

And I feel absolutely nothing. Any tension that could have hyped me up for this moment was squashed by my frustration with every character's lack of thinking skills.

Why exactly are Hera and Persie passed out on the ground? Kronos didn't even do anything yet, all that happened was that he closed the door after Hera and Persie managed to squeeze through at the last moment.

Speaking of, this episode shows us that Kronos is huddled up in (what is presumably) his cell deep down in Tartarus so how exactly did he control the door?

It will never be not funny to me that Kronos, ancient tyrant and titan of time (*rolls eyes*) sounds like a modern-day incel whenever he talks. And then other times RS remembers she's writing the supposed Big Bad and has him switch to more appropriate language on the fly. The whiplash is unreal.

Persephone: "Kronos is powerful but erratic. This makes his behavior hard to anticipate."

Oh, is that RS's in-universe excuse for Kronos switching motivations every time we see him? First he wants to return to the world of the living, then he wants to take revenge on Hades, then he suddenly wants Persephone but actually he wants Hera. And now he wants... Hera again, I guess. Holy constantly shifting goals, Batman!

Kronos: "I will take pleasure in your gradual and painful destruction!"

also Kronos: *proceeds to sit in his cell and do nothing for the entirety of the episode*

If you want to make Kronos actually menacing instead of just annoying, maybe have him do more than an occasional supervillain-laugh RS.

I will admit, the visual of Hera and Persephone slowly descending into Tartarus and past all these human souls reaching out for them from their cells is cool. It makes the whole situation actually feel tense and scary, knowing there's something terrible waiting for the protags down this endless pit but also knowing that they have no choice but slowly climb towards it.

Or it would be if RS didn't ruin it with Persie doing very obvious cover-ups for story flaws a lot of critics pointed out while she's descending.

Like "Oh, I don't talk or think about how the fuck Apollo managed to channel my powers or where Hades actually is because I'm disassociating from it as a defense mechanism."

Persie that would be way more convincing if you'd done literally anything besides sitting on your ass and whining this season.

This constant narrative that everything is just too much for poor girlboss Persie and that's why she's doing fuck all doesn't really work when all that happened is that people rightfully called Persie out for making a mess while Persie hid away in the Underworld. Rather than work on solutions to the problems she caused or at least try to help with the fall-out.

She hasn't tried to learn more about her powers or about her deal. She didn't try to get in contact with Erebus. She hasn't done anything to try and free Melinoe from Kronos. She didn't help with the preparations for the sleep dive, neither did she even offer to take part in it even though it concerns both her and Hades' kingdom. She refused to participate in the meeting between the gods on what to do about the "plague" but still felt the need to make commentary over the phone. She hasn't come forward about Apollo's numerous crimes to keep him from taking over Olympus, even though she has several powerful deities to back up her claims.

Every time Persie could have chosen to become more than a passive bystander, she had some other character step up and do or say something instead.

Hera: "So are the fertility goddess stories real and you are one?"

Is... is that not common knowledge at this point?

The Fertility Goddess Mystery Box is becoming bloated with how much shit RS keeps putting in.

So apparently whatever Apollo did with the help of Ouranos at the broadcast was only "manufactured" and any greenery he managed to create with Persie has presumably died again by now. Okay. Persie knows this how?

The irony of RS making Hades look exactly like Kronos in the flashback to him and Persie accidentally doing the going giant-thing.

Persephone: "I did make [Apollo] bleed from his eyes and ears though, so that's a win."

Huh?

Persephone: "It's something I can do with my new powers; I was sort of able to rot his physical form from the inside."

Huh?

Persephone: "I think I can do some damage to Kronos that way."

HUH???

Hold on, so does Persie know how her powers work or does she not??? What is it with this cloud somersault in logic???? When the fuck did she figure this out????

Hera: "I'm not really one for combat."

Girl you fought in the fucking Titanomachy, what do you mean???

(The way RS repeatedly portrays women as physically helpless and incapable of defending themselves without outside help, I want to throw up all of my organs)

Alright, as much as I hate everything leading up to it I actually like the conversation between Hera and Kronos. Hera using Kronos' victim complex and egocentrism against him is actually really clever. And I like the small glimpse we get into Kronos' past and how Ouranos' abuse helped shape him into the monster we know today.

Kronos justifying his own cruelty by comparing it to Ouranos' allegedly much more evil deeds while completely missing that his actions have made him no better than Ouranos is neat. That's abusers for you. "I know I hurt you but I could've been worse! Also I had it way worse than you! Pity me!"

I did not expect Hera drawing this paralell between her and Kronos, of being deities who did horrible things for the greater good and ended up despised despite the sacrifices they made, but it's cool.

It's bullshit, but it's bullshit Hera knows Kronos will buy because of just how blind he is to his own faults.

Okay, final thoughts.

Someone else pointed this out, but this is literally just the season 3 finale again.

Kronos takes over a large part of the Underworld and controls the bodies of a bunch of powerful deities, Hades among them.

Persephone has to descend to the Underworld.

Another powerful god tags along with Persie and does 80% of the work to set up Persie's #Girlboss victory.

Not RS building up a different villain all season and then just going "Sike! It's Kronos again!"

At this point, I fully expect Ouranos and Apollo to be defeated off-screen.

[lapascale]

Just me making a post about how Shadow Milk Cookie (from CRK) and Bill Cipher (from Gravity Falls) are similar (don't read this if you only know one character and not the other):

!!Spoilers for Gravity Falls (season 2) and the 2nd episode of Beast-Yeast!!

If there was a character that was similar to Shadow Milk Cookie (at least in terms of personality), I'd say it could be Bill Cipher:

First, they're both evil and are the antagonists of the story they're in (I mean this one is obvious)

They're both very powerful (this one is also obvious)

They both tried destroy their world, or at least brought it in a state of desolation and destruction (Bill Cipher literally burned down his dimension and brought Weirdmageddon to Earth while Shadow Milk Cookie was one of the Beasts who brought chaos, destruction and confusion to the world)

We could also say that they tried to rule the world (Bill wanted to rule the whole universe. And since episode 2 of Beast-Yeast, I think Shadow Milk Cookie also has similar goals (especially after what he did to the Faerie Kingdom))

They love causing chaos but hate it when things don't go perfectly in their ways or how they wanted to (Bill Cipher repeatedly got angry when things didn't get in his way (example: the scene where Mabel and Dipper tried to escape from him). Shadow Milk Cookie said that he wanted to make a perfect show or something like that and he got angry when Elder Faerie managed to "change his script").

They're both of the funny type villain (I mean, they make jokes and talk kinda in an energetic way (idk how to explain it))

They're both too arrogant and don't take their enemies seriously which leads them to be defeated (Bill's ego caused the end of his life and Shadow Milk Cookie got sealed again in the tree because he didn't take White Lily seriously enough and literally said to her something like "If you defeat me then your friends are gone and if you choose to save them, then you will die", so yeah he underestimated her)

They have lots and lots of knowledge (Bill is literally said as All-Knowing and All-Seeing while Shadow Milk is the one who had the virtue of Knowledge and he is said to be the Master of all Knowledge and to be the Ruler of Truth and Deceit)

And other things that I probably forgot to list out

Btw, I'm sorry if I did some grammar errors or if I got mistaken on the lore of both of these characters :)

[gothamstreetcat]

i don't know if i'll end up deleting this or not, but for a while now i've been feeling a bit of an ache and i feel kind of a mix of shame and guilt over it.

this is my mother, her name was martha and she passed away when i was around three (the last photo is my dad on the left). and for a long time i didn't think it bothered me to not have a mom (even though looking back i think young me really did want a mom). but ever since my dad passed away i feel an ache for not having either of my parents - which i feel is selfish because not everyone has parents to begin with and there are a lot of people out there who had really awful parents and that is really difficult when you're young.

anyway, my mom was a really incredible person. she was kind and nice and such an artist. my family tells me all the time how wonderful she was - how she really turned my dad's life around and saved his life. he wasn't in a good place when he met her but because he loved her so much (and he really did) he changed the bad parts in his life. co-workers of mine used to tell me how emotional my dad would get talking about my mom and showing them pictures - and if you knew my dad that's usually the complete opposite of how he really is.

and my mom wasn't supposed to have kids - she was very sick and couldn't get pregnant even though being a mother was all she really wanted. when she did miraculously get pregnant the doctors wanted her to have an abortion and basically no one was going to tell my mom what to do, lol. she left me a diary where she talked about how sick she was and how sad she felt about leaving me. i read the diary every few years and i always realize how much pain she was in and i feel bad a. because she missed out on everything she wanted and b. i realize there were times when i wanted a mom or someone to be mom and i think if she knew that it would really hurt her feelings.

i'm 27 now and all i really think about is how much of an amazing person my mother was and how i'm never going to get to met her. i'm never going to have or experience things that other people experienced with their own mothers. i'm never going to know what her favorite tv show was, or if she cussed. i'm never going to be able to make art with her - and sometimes i feel sad because there are people in my life who got more time with her then i did. and i'm never going to know if she is proud of me. if i'm good enough. she talked about how happy i was as a baby and people used to tell me how much she loved dressing me up in dresses. but i hate dresses and i have to be medicated in order to be happy.

people tell me i look so much like my mother but i just think about how beautiful she was - inside an out. she didn't have to try and be beautiful, she just was. she was an amazing person and i just feel like such an awful one. i have tattoos and piercings and i know it sounds silly but sometimes i worry that i let my mom down - that i wouldn't be beautiful to her.

and sometimes i think about how much i probably let my dad down because i literally have no goals in life. i just want to be home on my computer and make my silly little gifs, and how i am utterly obsessed with a tv show to the point where it almost takes over my whole life. it's not really funny but there was literally a time where my dad was upset with me and told me i couldn't watch my favorite show anymore, and so i decided i wasn't going to get (because i got that way when things i love were taken from me) and i'm entirely sure how it happened but somehow i ended up on the floor and my dad was dragging me across the concrete and he pushed me into a pantry.

and i know it's not the worse kind of abuse ever and he never beat me but he had a tendency to scream at me a lot and sometimes hit me and i was afraid of him. and sometimes it hurts me how i look back and i feel like all i ever did was make my dad upset with me - and it's so awful because he's dead now and it's never going to get any better but i still want my dad to love me. things were not even always bad but sometimes it's very hard to remember good things because the negative ones are what weigh on me the most.

i love my dad so much. he was so funny and there were times when i was young where he really put me first. and he really cared about other people.

i don't know how to make peace with any of this. i just know i get this moments where i miss my parents terribly. and i wonder everything i'm missing out on.