#it's been such a hard past week mentally and I'm so tired and drained but seriously thank y'all it's made such a world of difference

[spaceratprodigy]

kissing everyone on the mouth for being so sweet abt the new art btw I have real tears in my eyes

[psychedelic-ink]

an update

I think this was a post long coming, and I just want to say right off the bat that it's nothing bad, just some life updates I wanted to share with y'all 💕

These past weeks have been tiring, we had overnights for inventory for about two weeks which left me pretty tired and exhausted to do anything else, I also had regular shifts in between which drained the remaining energy I had left.

I still don't have my license (I do have my permit tho!) because I have to buy additional classes but I'm planing on buying them this week so I can get my license as soon as possible.

I have an official-ish move date! thank you to everyone who donated to my kofi and helped me out. I'll be moving in July 9th with a friend from work which is exciting and at the same time slightly nerve wrecking???? I don't know what I'm feeling to be honest, I think I've just been feeling kinda homesick and lost. Even though I always preferred living on my own, I still had the chance to visit my family whenever and I don't really have that chance here-- I mean sure if there's an emergency I can fly over but I can't really just get on a bus and visit them which makes me even more anxious.

BUT I have been happy and will be happier as soon as I move out and get my freedom again (my aunts have placed cameras in the house which I'm hoping they'll remove soon and they only had them because of the trip they went to but it's been four days and the cameras are still there....)

I'm hoping to get back into writing again, I have commissions I'm working on so most free time I have goes to that but believe me when I say I miss writing for myself and you guys SO MUCH. I miss spending time on other hobbies as well and it's been hard getting my groove back but I am trying.

I miss tumblr and you guys and I am so so sorry if it looks like I've been ignoring tags or messages. It's just I'm mentally drained and most of the time wait for a moment I'm not to answer which sometimes take a while.

I love you guys all so so much !

[jaelvr]

sunny days

Home | NCT 127 masterlist |

Requested : no

Prompts ; 17. “Look at me. I love you.” + 23. “You are more than you think of yourself. You’re everything to me.” 

Pairing : best friend! Mark x reader

Pronouns : you/yours

Type : fluff

Word count : 600

Warnings : mutual feelings, friends to lovers, idol au, fluff, slightly ooc

Have a great day !! 

——————————

"Hey.." you spoke softly, gently squeezing his shoulder. He'd called you over, feeling slightly overwhelmed from the past few weeks, needing some comfort. "Hey…" Mark replied back softly, looking up briefly at you. He was having a hard time keeping up with all the comeback after comeback too. He was feeling both mentally and physically exhausted from it all, and he had been trying hard to keep it all in until he finally decided to call you over for some comfort. "Talk to me, sweet." you murmured as you sat next to him on his bed, arms open for him.

Mark didn't waste any time, immediately accepting the offer of a safe space. He slowly crawled towards you, burying his face into your chest and letting out a long breath he'd been holding. "I'm just…tired…of everything," he finally uttered, sounding both tired and frustrated. "It's just been back to back, and there's no sign of it stopping anytime soon…" he frowned, his tone showing his slight agitation. You caressed the back of his head, kissing his forehead as you let him vent. Mark stayed silent as he buried further into your chest, enjoying the touch of your hands as you caressed his hair and kissed his forehead. He stayed still for a bit longer, taking a few deep breaths while trying his best to calm himself down and relax. "And it's all becoming too much to handle…" he finally continued after a moment of silence. "It's just tiring… having to keep acting, keep performing, keep practising, keep doing everything over and over and over again…"

"Hey, hey, hey.." you frowned, carefully wiping his tears away. It hurt to see him like this. There was no doubt that he was good at his job, but his company did overwork him, hardly giving him a break in between promotions with 127 and Dream. "They don't know when to stop…" Mark continued, still keeping his head burrowed into you as you wiped his tears away. He looked utterly drained, and his voice was also hoarse and tired as well. "They just push me and push me and they never let me stop… I'm so tired, Ruby." He muttered, finally lifting his head from your chest to look at you. His eyes were filled with exhaustion, and there was still a tear rolling down his cheek.

“You are more than you think of yourself. You’re everything to me.” you murmured gently, caressing his cheek and wiping the tear away. Mark froze for a moment as he felt your hand caress his face and wipe away the tear. He didn't know why, but he felt his cheeks warm up as he felt your touch, and for some reason, his heart felt like it was fluttering. "love…" he muttered quietly, and he didn't know what came over him as he did so. Perhaps it was the exhaustion, the tiredness of it all, and even the emotions he suddenly felt for you too.

“Look at me. I love you.” you assured, cupping his face gently. Mark did as you asked, lifting his head and meeting your gaze as you cupped his face. At this moment, everything seemed so surreal to him, from his exhaustion to the emotions he suddenly felt boiling up within him. "I…" he started before he finally stopped his own sentence, not sure what he should even say. It was still so strange and surreal to him to hear those words coming from your mouth and to see your gaze, looking at him with such warmth and affection.

"I love you too."

[grwnsz]

bad days [bakugo katsuki x m!reader]

tws : failing, small mental breakdown, overthinking, stress

context : m/n aizawa's son and alrdy in a relationship w bk

-> what happens when m/n has a bad day and how bk helps :)

School was very stressful for you these past weeks. With midterm exams coming up, your father expects a lot from you academic wise and also performance wise (for the hero aspect of the exams). With the competitiveness of Class 1-A, everyone is trying their best to exceed expectations and outperform each other. The stress and never-ending pressure everything is giving you is suffocating you from the inside. The goals you've set for yourself now seems so far away. You were losing sleep from staying up late all night studying, forgetting to eat, drinking minimal water. You were losing awareness in your surroundings.

Soon you lost sight of yourself. Who are you? What is your purpose? You were so tired. So drained from trying to reach everyone's expectation of you.

After a long hard day of school and only surviving on caffeine and a 15 minute power nap, you were off to training at the Class 1-A designated gym. That was your current routine. Wake up, school, training, study, nap, repeat. On the way, you were stopped by your father. Aizawa.

He forcefully grabbed you by the shoulder and turned you around. Shocked by the sudden movements, you felt the room spin as you snapped back into reality.

"You're starting to look more like me by the day," He joked about the heavy undereye bags you developed.

You chuckled nervously at his comment as he furrowed his brows at your condition, "Are you doing alright? Your actions are sluggish and your reactions are slow. Would you perform and pass the hero exam?"

His words may seem caring and concerned from a parent's perspective, but those words felt like stone that piled onto your back, adding to the already overfilling stress and pressure you have been harbouring since weeks ago.

"Yea...I'm fine," You paused, trying to control your shaky voice, "Just had a bad sleep...um...I...have training,"

Swiftly, without letting Aizawa get another word in you turned and ran out of his sight. Holding back a small cry, you ran towards the gym. Your mind spinning.

"Sluggish"

"Slow"

"Failure"

"Disappointment"

Words kept flashing through your mind as you finally reached the entrance of the gym.

Feeling all the stress and pressure you've been holding back from destroying you inside, hit you like a giant wave. It was heavy, it was painful and exhausting.

Tears, one by one, came sliding down your face until it was just a stream of water. Your legs gave out as you just sat on the lush green grass crying your heart out. Releasing all the pressure you've been feeling.

As you cried and wailed the feelings you've been trying so hard to keep at bay, locked in the back of your mind, you felt a pair of hands wrapped themselves around you. You felt warmth in this moment of darkness. You opened your reddened and puffy eyes to see fluffy blonde hair. A familiar, calming scent filled your nose as you hiccuped from the vigorous crying session.

"Bakugo?" He had engulfed you in a hug and lifted you into a more comfortable position. His arms wrapped around your neck, with you sat atop of his crossed legs. You hugged him tightly with your face snuggled in the crook of his neck.

He hummed the tune of your favourite song to help you calm down. However, that only made you start crying more. How appreciative you were to have such a kind and wonderful person in your life.

"You're okay," He whispered softly in an attempt to stop you from bawling your eyes out. No matter how tough he pretends to be on the outside, to watch the person he cherishes the most, breakdown and cry out so agonisingly, it was like torture.

With small, gently pats and soft humming of your favourite song, you slowly captured your breaths and your tears started to decrease. You blinked your tired and worn out eyes to get out the rest of your tears and relaxed your tensed body into the arms of him.

"I'm sorry," You hiccuped and wiped the remaining tears off your face.

"For what? You have nothing to be sorry about," He said and lifted you up.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asked as you snuggle into him.

"No...not right now," He was one of the last person you wanted to share the pilled up emotions you've been feeling. With his competitve personality and just how strong he is, you would sometimes feel inferior to him. But knowing how understanding he could be sometimes, you decided it's best if you shared the reason behind your breakdown sometime else.

"K...I'll be here whenever you're ready," He said as he carried you back to your dorm.

"I'm going to help you change and tuck you into bed. I'm going to leave to go make you some dinner ok? Don't you fucking get out of that goddamn bed you probably haven't touched in like ten years. I'll order some of your [fav drink] and make [fav dish]. You're going to finish all of it. Not a single goddamn crumb left. Understood?" He plopped you down onto your bed. You nodded and sniffed.

"Good, after that we can cuddle up and watch [fav movie]...might as well clean your fucking room while you eat...jesus christ my guy?! How do you find your clothes in this shit?! You know what! Come with me!" He exploded, despite his violent outburst he gently (yet still aggressively) picked you back up, slammed your door and headed to his room instead.

He gently sat you down in his soft and clean bed as you watched him swing open his closet and (aggressively) open his drawers, picking out a shirt and some pants for you. You watched him decide on the perfect pair of pants and perfect shirt for you to wear while also wondering how the hell is his closet still intact.

He placed the folded clothes on the side of the bed and looked at you for permission. You sniffed and slightly nod to give him the a-okay on helping you undress. You sat like a child as he unbuttoned your shirt, Your heart melted at the gentleness of his actions. Making sure his fingers don't make contact with your skin even if you gave him permission he still didn't want to overstep any boundaries and make you uncomfortable. He slipped off your shirt and grabbed his iconic skull t-shirt.

"Up," He ordered and you raised your arms. He slipped it on. His shirt was soft and smelled really nice (just like him).

"Here, change," He handed you a pair of his boxers and turned around. You changed your underwear and tugged at his shirt to let him know you were done, having no voice left.

A giant smirk appeared on his face as he picked you up with ease. Placing you in the middle of his bed and surrounded you with pillows. Tucking you in and switching on his TV, he put on one of your favourite movies of all time and gave you some [fav snack] to snack on while you watched.

"I'll be back in a bit, don't you dare fucking cry again. You're the best human being on earth and I don't give a shit what anyone says, you're enough...fuck I'm not good at this consoling shit! You get what I mean right?! Fucking hell, this shit's embarrassing! I'm going to go make dinner!" He awkwardly scurried out of the room. Your heart felt full. All the pressure and stress was gone and the heavy feeling in your chest disappeared. You felt at ease and so comfortable and peaceful. With [fav movie] playing in the background, you slowly fell into some well deserved sleep.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I left my mom alone dealing with my traumatized sister?

This turned out to be very long, there's a synthesis at the end. My (22FtM) sister (8F) has gone to summer camp and, for the first time, slept in a tent away from home. Except that the people looking after the kids for the night (mostly 16-17 yo teens) didn't mention that it was supposed to be a horror night, and my sister (probably the youngest of the group) was forbidden to come home or call her parents, both the night and the following day.

Of course she came back traumatized (considering that she's easily scared too) and began having full blown panic attacks, crying and whatnot. When we asked the people who ran the camp for an explanation, they said nothing was wrong with her, and that's why they called no one to pick her up, thus making it harder to reconstruct what happened to us and straight up lying, but this is a whole other story.

It has been two weeks for now and although she's gotten better, my sister still needs someone looking after her 24/7 or will start to get scared and risk having panic attacks, especially at night. This situation is extremely draining to everyone, but I'm constantly asked to babysit, a lot of the time interrupting whatever I have to do to look after her, or make the activities I was doing kid friendly (as a metalhead this means "no scary music" or if I'm playing games or watching something, it must be suitable for her). This is especially hard on me since for practical reasons I'm forced to share my room with her, and she will often hang around me, and it's not excluded that she may ask me to leave the room so that she can play on her own.

On top of this, my grandfather (my mom's stepdad) is currently in the hospital for heart surgery, which preoccupies my mother further and will take it out on everyone passive-aggresively since she's a really anxious person on her own, let alone in this situation.

I'm reaching a breaking point where I'm struggling to keep it together and not to lash out at everyone, meaning that I get nervous or snappy when tired and will need a lot of alone time since I can't get any during the day (I've been recently diagnosed as autistic, and only now acknowledging my own needs and not just "pushing through" them), to the point my mom is starting to blame the T I take because of my transition for my bad mood or straight up scolding me because I'm "exaggerating" or "not doing enough for the family".

I don't blame her but her behaviour is objectively making things worse to me, but anytime I tried to tell her about my feelings in the past she's been belittling them or storming out of the room without listening to me.

I'm considering going away for a couple of days, but I'm afraid that my absence may actually worsen the situation because I'm the only one in the house who can afford to and is actively putting work/studying to the side to make room for my family's needs, and without the extra help my mom gets the whole thing could become unsustainable for everyone, not just for me.

TLDR: WIBTA if I left my mom dealing with my 8 yo sister's trauma to prioritize my own mental health and my studies?

What are these acronyms?

[allamericansbitch]

Hi Sarah, I probably should just unfollow you and keep curating my experience here, but you've been one of my fave blogs for years so I'm gonna try to explain it just in case it helps. The reason why I'm leaving and other people I know have left is because your blog is so draining... Obviously we don't know you personally or how you behave on a day-to-day basis, and it's not all your fault since 80% of your blog is usually asks of people complaining, but do you really not realize this? I remember that you said once during your hiatus that you were going to focus on enjoying things and getting rid of the negative vibes and stop responding to asks that only created drama. That felt so refreshing and good for you, but it keeps getting worse now. And if it feels this way to me and others, I can't imagine the weight that you must carry every day from the moment you log in... I'm telling you this because I don't consider you a toxic person and I think that you'd like to know if someone perceives you the same way as you perceive that one blog you hate (only in your case, it's the other way around) because to be fair the differences are not that huge... Obviously you're the opposite, but in terms of behaviour and perception as a whole, the vibes are there. I'm sorry if any of this has offended you, you're free to ignore it, keep feeding your anons and move on. I know it feels like an attack and that you losing one or two of your followers that you don't even know isn't gonna affect you at all, that's not the meaning behind this. I say this because I genuinely care as I know how toxic these apparently harmless environments can be to your own mental health. You are so much better and clever than that. Anyway, I wish the best for you, maybe I'll be able to follow you again some day. Good luck and please take care 💕

You know what. You’re right. Obviously you can unfollow me no matter what that’s your choice but I’m going to be honest, I am really tired.

I kind of have begun to dread looking at my inbox in the morning because of all the negativity and while I agree with a lot of it, it gets so repetitive. I have been trying to practice not answering the worst ones because my god are they bad and I’ve been doing a good job at just deleting them but there’s so many. I honestly just don’t want to not answer people, so many people have told me this is safe space for them and when they’re venting to me I feel like I have a responsibility to reply and have them feel heard, and I have thought about how it must feel to follow me and have to deal with all these asks.

It’s also really hard to get out of. Like every time something happens I get 20, 50, even 100+ asks about it and I feel like I have to respond. And that’s not even including the insane amount of troll asks I get, it’s exhausting. And I don’t wanna sound ungrateful, people have been so nice to me and appreciative. But for the past week or two, I’ve been wanting to just turn my inbox off because of how bad the troll asks have gotten and how I dread seeing more complaints first thing when I wake up but I’d feel so guilty taking the space away from people.

I feel the need to apologize but I don’t really know what for, the negativity I guess. I do not like what my blog has become to be honest. I think I’m gonna take the day and think about some stuff. Thank you for sending this in such a respectful, constructive way.

[peyton--warren]

Went to therapy today after having the startling revelation this week I literally could not careless about much of anything. I realized mid-week that if I was caught on my phone at work by my boss's boss and reprimanded that I wouldn't even think twice about telling him to go fuck himself , and flushing my 24 year career down the drain.

Talked at length with my therapist of 5+ yrs today and turns out I have "burn out.". I've heard of burn out. I've thought I've had it in the past but this that I'm going through right now is a whole other level of not giving a shit. About myself, about others, about my health, about so much that I should give a shit about. It's a little of the season, a dash of my mental illness, an unhealthy dose of my trauma, and a whole pile of hot shit from the last few years finally breaking me into a pile of goo. No lie, folks, she pointed out things from 2020 that still are vexing me hard.

We talked about me changing jobs, moving to another part of the country, trying new things, finding new relationships, discovering new hobbies, changing up current routines. Some of those things I can do now, some of those things will have to happen overtime. Have two job applications already out, they are both on the East Coast of the US, I'm much closer to the West Coast currently.

I need to find new groups of people to spend actual IRL time with, and since generally I dislike people as a whole (which therapist pointed out I say as a default when she challenges me to branch out and find new IRL people...) could be a challenge for me. She specifically told me to look into "local" queer communities- read "local" as 80 miles away from where I live cuz I live in a rather conservative small town with very few (as in I know only 2 other queer people in our town of less than 1000) . That's a distance to just hang out especially this time of the year in an area where winter weather is no joke.

Making small changes to my routine is hopefully gonna help. I kinda stared blankly at her this morning when she suggested I not start my work day at my office, to find some other way to start work... Still have no idea what else I am gonna do at work if I don't start in the office. I'm supposed to "get creative.".

Anyway, am also gonna try rekindling some of my crafty, artsy hobbies to try to help. Idk if that will include fic writing. I haven't even tried writing in months. Have been jotting down ideas and even brain storming to help other writers but I've got jack and shit for myself.

Am tired. So tired. Tired to my soul. And I don't want feel like this any more. I need to find a way out.

[bots-and-cons]

Stressed, tired and dealing with grief

I know the title probably makes it sound worse than it actually is, but I just need to vent, because I've had a bit of a rough week. I'll try to post something tomorrow, because I don't like leaving the blog alone for this long. Also I can deal with crap by writing so it's a win-win I guess. The stuff below might be a bit of a ramble, but eeeh

Venting starts here btw

There has been a lot going on during the past week and being at my mom's and looking after my little sister really drained me, because I didn't get a single minute alone for six days, aside from sleeping and I didn't do much of that either. My social battery is already nonexistent to begin with and then you add to that no sleep, it's not a good combination. I'm probably not going to my mom's for a couple of weeks, since I can't really deal with my two youngest siblings until I recharge.

On other news, my grandma on my dad's side died a couple of years back in June, and her husband, my grandpa is in a nursing home. I don't visit him much, because I can't really handle it well. He doesn't remember any of us anymore, not even my dad, and it's just way too much for me to handle most of the time.

Anyway, today we went to clean out their old house and it was pretty hard. I didn't really realize it right then, but now that I'm getting tired and have stopped for the day, it's kind of hitting me. We found so many old things that I played with when I was a kid, clothes that I remember my grandma wearing, actual physical photographs were stuffed into every cabinet and corner, and I found all kinds of stuff. I didn't really stop to look at them though, I couldn't really handle it. I looked at one photo for a while, my grandma smiling, wearing that blue flower dress that she liked. That's how I'd like to remember her though, smiling. I know she loved me, even though I didn't hear it for a long time before she died, because she stopped talking. I'll always love her and even though the grief raises its head occasionally, I'll get through it somehow.

Another thing that's been getting to me is the anniversary of Technoblade's death. He died last year at the very end of June. I don't normally get attached to youtubers or streamers, or people on the internet I don't personally interact with, but I guess in his case it was different. I started watching Technoblade when I was still pretty badly depressed, and he was a big source of fun and joy for me. He was one of my comfort youtubers and I still watch his old videos occasionally. I just watched a few old animations about him and hearing his voice literally made me cry.

There's a lot that's stressing me out right now and my grandma's death anniversary among other things just happened to trigger a bit of an emotional avalanche. I've been keeping all this crap in since the beginning of June and it's now all rising to the surface, because I'm tired and don't have the strength to keep it at bay anymore. Also me overburdening myself doesn't help this situation at all, so I'll probably sort of refrain from most social contacts next week and try to take it easy. I'll make some good food, bake something for my birthday (12th of July) and maybe go get ice cream with my bff. I also have an appointment with my mental health counselor/nurse on Monday, so that's gonna help the situation a lot too.

Stay hydrated y'all and thanks if you read all this :D

[mopeymousey]

Mental void meals for the week below the cut. Don't read unless youre interested in a sad girls self deprecating ramblings.

I've been strangely bad at texting people back. That's never been an issue I had before and usually love to talk with people, but I've been so tired lately and then the guilt of neglecting friends compounds it. I don't like this and wish I could go back to being a better communicator.

I have been asked to socialize with people a lot recently and it's draining. I feel like the more I get to know someone, the more reasons I find to not hang out with them or engage with them. It's just excuses to isolate myself, but it's hard to fight against.

I haven't been actively suicidal, but the passive wish for "it" to end has gotten just 5% louder and that pisses me off. Why is it that I do all this work on myself and feel better, but when things go south they still hit rock bottom? Can't I raise my rock bottom?

OCD is just a dark void to me at this point. Just constantly whispering in my ear about how people are going to die and it's my fault. About how avoiding safety compulsions means that I'm a horrible sadistic little thing that WANTS people to die. And then just incessantly repeats these words until I spend an hour undoing all of my "mistakes".

I've thought a lot about weight loss recently. I realize from my time in adolescence where I was restricting that when I feel out of control, I want to control my body and the idea of being skinnier feels within my control. Which it only is to some extent- it's never been a question of simply will power.

And then on one hand, I've learned how to love and cherish my big body. I've never been this confident when I was smaller. I was constantly terrified of being fat, and now that I am I realize it's not that bad. On the other hand, I realized that if someone handed me a pill that would make me a size 4, I would take it without hesitation.

The embarrassment I feel at the idea of going to Europe and being the "fat American" might stop me from ever visiting. That's horrible. I know that shouldn't stop me, and yet it does. I really want to see the cliffs of Moher.

I'm just really tired lately. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm tired of thinking my own thoughts.

I post this because it feels nice to put something out into the internet. Like a void to yell into, but the void keeps a little polaroid of my past mental episodes and gives me acknowledgement that the universe heard me. but I do not expect acknowledgement or engagement from people. I can't possibly be alone in this.

[skepticalarrie]

Allie, may I ask you something private? How do you spend your weekends? Do you go out a lot or just stay at home? Do you cook yourself? I am always at home reading or on the internet. I do not like to go out actually, and with lots of youtube vlogs and books I feel like there is no need for me to go abroad on vacation and it is all too much for me now. Also, aging is real, man! I need rest and decent sleep, and it is quite hard to stay fit when you reach certain age. Damn, life is sometimes hard...

Hey, anon! It depends. This past week specifically was super busy for me, I had to go to a bunch of places and see way too many people for my liking so I was so fucking drained, all I wanted to do was to spend the weekend by myself and at home. But there are weekends that I go out more, and see some friends, I also go to visit my parents from time to time.

But I don't really like too hectic weekends because not gonna lie I'm usually very tired and since I don't have loads of time during the week, weekends are also usually when I try to fix everything for the next week, so I need to clean the house, go to the store, cook, etc etc. And just sleep... I totally get you, getting proper sleep is probably the most important thing to compensate for the rest of the week 😅 Besides that, in general, the weekends are reserved for ~me time~ so regardless if I'm staying home or going out I really try to treat myself and make it about something I love. It sounds dumb, but something I've been really enjoying recently is watching tiktok videos on how to spend friday/saturday night alone, there are some lovely tips there that make all the difference. So cooking something different, doing something crafty, some DIY spa night. It's very inspiring, it makes me feel so good and it's not the same as always like reading and watching tv and these kinds of stuff.

During the pandemic, it wasn't too awful for me to be at home and by myself, because I can definitely make myself busy, I'm not exactly a social butterfly. And then when the lockdown was over I felt like I wasn't feeling very good anymore and I couldn't exactly place it?! It took a lot of therapy for me, but I really had to force myself to go out a bit, even if alone, to have a drink or a walk in the park. And my mental health improved SO MUCH when I started doing that, I'm doing so much better now, I feel like I get a bit depressed if I get stuck in my own little world for too long. Everyone is different, of course, but for me it was quite a big deal to do some self-care out of my house and see the "real world" a bit. But yeah... it's not easy, to balance things out! I hope you can find that balance soon, sending you loads of love <3

[inevitably-johnlocked]

HI STEPH! How has your December been?

Hey Lovely *HUGS*

LOL do you want the "Tumblr happy place" version or the "might be a bit depressing" version??

Tumblr-mask version: It's been alright. We've got some snow now, and it feels a bit more Christmassy. Glad I'm on holidays and just enjoying the time off :)

Real life version: We've got some snow now, and I hate snow. And life's been a bit of a gong show for the past month or so. (cw below cut, medical, retail frustration, and depression mentions)

TL;DR: It's December. Hopefully the new year looks a bit more promising <3

As you all know, this kind of all started back when my job was very uncertain. I had a bit of a brief break when I got my raise and talked with the chief of staff. Few weeks, maybe, then just the desire to have a holiday started to kick in because I realized how EXHAUSTED I was.

I recently went though a pain in the ass experience with my car's manufacturer regarding a small repair on my car that was only supposed to be a one day thing and turned into nearly 3 weeks of me not having a car and them refusing to give me a rental because I don't have an "extended warranty" even though I'm still covered under a warranty. Because of the kind of person I am, this spiralled me into a nightmare scenario of me stressing about not having a car three weeks before Christmas, fighting with the dealership to give me SOME sort of compensation (and failing) and them not being able to tell me when I get my car back – I wanted it back before my Christmas break this week because I prefer to go out during the work week when it's less busy. Anyway, coincidence or not, the missing part MYSTERIOUSLY arrived two days after I escalated my situation with the head office telling them their customer service was shit (in a nicer way, of course, LOL), so I at least have it back now. But not an experience I would wish on my worst enemy, it was THAT stressful.

Leading up to Christmas, work was insane. We're short-staffed and just... no one was "feeling it" this year. We're all tired and we all just want holidays. I took off three extra days since I still had time to book off, so my holidays started sooner than everyone else, and I am so glad I did it. I'm not looking at anything work-related for the next two weeks, thanks.

I don't like winter at all where I live (it's always gloomy and wet; rarely any sun at all), and it feels like my brain is rotting from all the Christmas shit being shoved down my throat. There, I said it. I don't like Christmas, haven't since my dad passed away 2 weeks after Christmas over a dozen years ago. I like the aesthetics of it – the lights, the decorations, the hot cocoa and fancy drinks – but it's TOO MUCH for TOO LONG, and by the time Christmas is here I am DONE. I'm TIRED of people being SHOCKED that I don't like Christmas... ugh. PLUS my seasonal depression spikes badly at Christmas because all people seem to do is like to remind me how alone I am. Like thanks, appreciate it. UGH. The only thing I like about Christmas is that my work gives us 2 weeks every year between Christmas and New Year, and I spend most of that alone watching movies, drinking cocoa or playing video games. It's wonderful. I hear about everyone in my extended family having to visit all these people on Christmas day and I'm like LOL I'm in my jammies watching the Avengers, thanks, you keep that stress.

Christmas is EXTRA kinda poopy this year because one of my closest extended family members found out they have throat cancer at the beginning of November. They're in chemo right now and in good spirits, so I'm trying to stay positive about it, but it's hard to not think about, you know?

Discovering a lot about myself in therapy, and it's mentally draining. That's all I'm comfortable sharing right now.

I'm just all around TIRED and LONELY and feel like no one cares about me, y'know? I feel like I'm never going to be anyone who accomplished something worthwhile (and before y'all say it, my BRAIN LOGICALLY KNOWS THIS IS ALL FALSE, but my wires get crossed and the depression sinks in instead with the intrusive thoughts – My therapist finds it fascinating that I have this kind of awareness and she's trying to find a way to work around it). Some days are worse than others, especially in the winter in this city going on month 2 of no sunshine, UGGGHHH. Having moods that change with the weather REALLY fucking sucks.

AND I've been looking again at getting a cat, but I think I might have to once again put it on the back-burner, because my phone is finally crapping out (it's an iPhone 6S Plus, so it's OOOOOOOLLDD by today's standards) with the camera jittering and the battery barely lasting 4 hours in standby mode, so I might have to get a new one sooner than later. AND I also want to re-look at getting a mortgage again so I'm ready when the housing market inevitably crashes and I can get a condo cheaper than 500K :/ My rent is still cheaper right now because I'm so grandfathered in that I'm paying under 1000$ right now for rent, so staying where I am is the SMART thing, but I'm miserable because the space is too small now. ANYWAY, money. Can't get a cat right now AGAIN because of money. Ugh. I'm not broke by any means, I just.......... am so annoyed my single-person groceries have gone from 50$ a week to 150$ a week, and I HATE HATE HATE it. It's ridiculous. Finally get a raise but I can never catch a break, it seems :/ It's not Avacado Toast, Karen, it's the whole damned economy.

So yeah, that's basically it. I don't talk about myself that much here because I am a fairly private person. I don't like bothering people with my problems because I always feel like a burden. Sometimes, though, I just wish I had a human person I could visit regularly to chat with (that I don't have to pay for, LOL), is all. AND my blog is my happy place, so I try to keep it positive where I can.

Hope you're having a good month, and I hope the holidays treat you well <3

[revasserium]

this is a short ask becuase i've been mentally drained as well (although my circumstances were not as severe), but i skimmed through the reason why the past few weeks (when i sent my previous ask) was rough and... my condolences. i've been seeing death around my dash a lot, actually. in real life too? i have a friend whose professor's wife died. it's... unnerving. i hope everyone has time to grieve... in the mean time, what's your go to routine/habit to help you through tough times? -- @anonymilk

hi anonymilk <3 i hope you've been well !!! but yes... this summer has been strange and the vibes r def off to say the least u__u

honestly? i drink. LOL not to the point of blacking out but like. i def use wine as a way to like. decompress. which is not the greatest coping mechanism, but i'm working on it LMFAO.

otherwise, the way i turn off my brain is by just marathoning youtube videos? and occasionally doom-scrolling through insta -- i wish i had healthier more "that girl" answers for you. but i am alas, not that girl lsdkjfaosid

the first half of this year was fine, but the 2nd half has just been... rough.

i'm just like so tired every day that i don't even have the energy to write :( and that's been pretty hard as well -- i was so excited to do this 2k milestone event and maybe even dip my toe into kinktober... but yeah at this point i'm lucky if i get to write like once or twice a week :(

[itsericamichelle]

So many things happening, where to begin? First attack of the exes I've had 3 exes in the past month attempt to come back (didn't happen). An uncle died, an uncle dying (less than 4 months to live). A close friend diagnosed with bone cancer. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle all of this but I'm trudging through as usual.

I traveled back home to spend time with my sick family and friends and it's been trying. I'm physically tired, emotionally exhausted, and mentally spent with a week left in this trip.

I just want to crawl up in a quiet corner with a good book and shut down. Reading uninterrupted for hours on end would be my salvation right now. I don't want to deal with any of this. I've had so many conversations about death that my joy has been drained. I'm fully aware this is my fault but i can't show the emotion people need to see to leave me alone for a while and process. If you're stoic and visibly unemotional the belief is that you're not really affected. I can do funny or serious but not emotional so I'm labeled strong and am relied upon to have the hard conversations all the time.

I'm tired!

[ohleander]

7.20.24

Been feeling distinctly terrible these days and it seems to defy logic. I mean, on the outside, everything looks so fine but my mind has felt absolutely awful lately. Mental health down the drain. Depression dialed up to 11 or 12, even. I feel like I've been sleepwalking this entire week and I lay here wanting to feel good, but I just dont. Everything has a negative spin upon it and I feel the weight of my thoughts and the weight of my empty feeling heart so profoundly. Trying to catch up on self care but it feels like a moot point. I try to do it anyway, just in case it helps. Somehow along the way, I no longer trust myself or my thoughts. I'm not sure how to fix this. Usually these clouds go away and I feel fine again after a while. Still, its tough to trudge through these depressive spells. I know that baking in the greenhouse heat hasn't helped but it gets tiresome always monitoring myself and feeling so run down, so tired. Its like simply being awake is overwhelming and living, existing, makes me feel so tired. I cant catch my breath. It feels like more than just my cycle this time. I am definitely off kilter in some ways. I do take it out on those around me, as well, and I end up feeling guilty as hell. I end up frustrated, snippy, mean, thinking terrible intrusive thoughts. Being honest with myself has been painful lately. Its difficult to look at myself and tell myself that I'm fine even through the intrusive thoughts. Its hard to both forgive and its also hard to shed the shame I feel. For someone who has never been raised in any kind of catholic way, I seem to harbor this "inherent suffering"... Is it my karma from past lives? For some reason i always find some kind of strange comfort in my own despair. Its nearly as if I'm young me again, looking at the state of myself currently, kinda judging, not knowing how to help. Present me has gotten into quite a rut and little me shouldn't feel the need to pick up the pieces. Nevertheless, again, I find myself needing help and not knowing how to go about having it. I avoid things that could help me.. I avoid vulnerability. I avoid quite a lot.

LA

[lunaprincipessa]

ENTRY 230

My sleep schedule is screwed. Thankfully, I have time to fix it. In the meantime, I'm attempting to get myself reorganized, my personal life reprioritized, and whatever else I need to do to make preparations for this next chapter of life.

Since the dispensary closed down, I've taken advantage of the time I have by doing things like getting my credentials in order for my job search (everything got approved) and spending more time with my son.

One thing that I've noticed though is just how fucking exhausted and slow I was, am, if I'm being honest. It has taken every bit of this past two weeks to catch up on sleep and life in general. Speaking of which...

I can't believe how tired and sore I've been even after the extra rest, and I also can't believe how badly I fell behind on everything in my life even after the extra time off following the closing. Still catching up.

I'm coming back to me and my self-care, but the aftermath of pushing myself too hard for too long makes it a bit of a task.

My former coworker, who was run ragged by our old boss for years, is still recovering as well and she quit a month before we closed down. No surprise there though. She said the anxiety attacks suddenly stopped. Clear connection there, seems like anyway.

I'm happy to be free of that workload and schedule but how long is this whole recovery process gonna take? I don't wanna wait to look for work much longer but I don't wanna start a new job drained either.

Maybe things will feel like they're going back to normal once I get further into self-care. But for now, I'm beyond exhausted but I can't sleep. I'm also ready to get shit done but am facing mental paralysis more than before at the same time.

I never give up and I always keep going. That's not gonna change. But hey Universe, I wouldn't mind the fight for survival ending so I can live a little bit. Seems like the fight for survival has just changed faces and labels over the years. I'm ready for it to stop so I can live life like everyone else. Just gonna ride and write it out until then. That's all I can do. More thoughts later.

[anonymousexywoman]

May 17th, 2023

3:19 AM

Routine keeps me going. It keeps me productive, at least as much as someone like myself can be. My routine is a bit unconventional, though. By "productive," I don't mean coming home, doing my homework, eating dinner, and going to sleep. To be honest, a daily routine like that is completely unimaginable to me. I rarely get schoolwork done, but once every week or two, I somehow find the motivation to power through a few hours of assignments with a Spotify playlist and a cancer-causing energy drink. But most other days, at least as of late (since I can't remember anything before the past few weeks) I come home from school, strip any semblance of extroversion from my physical and mental, take a long nap, confusedly wake up to screaming either at me or from downstairs, and if I'm lucky, I cry. When I cry, it is about anything and everything, for there is no greater comfort than throwing a pity party for myself. For me, though, tears are hard to come by, which is why I am lucky when I get to experience this simple pleasure. But lately, I've been able to cry more and more- I think last week I cried every single day. It's awful, but I love it at the same time. I think being silently miserable is a defining trait of mine. In fact, I would even consider myself proud of my ability to sob inaudibly. I digress. Once my post-nap routine is over, I go downstairs for dinner when the rest of my family has already gone to sleep and it is dark outside. This is purposeful, for I prefer not to speak to anyone. But I also do this so once I take my usual few microscopic bites out of my food, I can wrap the rest up in a napkin and stuff it in the bottom of the trash. Especially if I plan to wear a skin-tight outfit the next day. Sorry mom. Still in a tired daze, I sit in my bed and mindlessly scroll on my phone for a few hours with no goal in mind other than a distraction from myself and my thoughts. At least now, I have a Nintendo Switch to play games on, which is a little bit more useful than watching hundreds of attention-span-draining 15 second clips. I got the Switch for my eighteenth birthday, which I actually completely forgot was a week ago, and was reminded of when my teacher asked me why I was gone last Thursday. Seriously, though, I think my brain blocked my birthday out of my mind because I genuinely enjoyed myself that day, and god forbid I have any type of joy in my life. Or maybe, my brain blocked it out because it's devastating to even fathom the fact that I will never be a child again. Once again, I digress. You can see why I hardly ever get work done. And so we are brought to my current state, sitting here (now at 3:35 AM) and journaling, something I don't do very often but probably should do more. Other than the fact that it's kind of fun to delude myself into thinking I'm some modern-day Sylvia Plath, this is probably one of the only good habits I actually have. It's hard to explain this sensation, but when I journal, it's almost as if my thoughts and feelings are poured out of the ink bottle of my mind, and my fingers typing on my phone are the feathered pen's strokes on paper. It makes me feel a little better. I'll probably post this on my stupid, secret Tumblr blog too. I don't know why. Maybe in a few months, or years, or decades, someone who understands me will find this. Or at the very least, someone who will listen to me.