#it's been almost 24 hours and I'm exhausted
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moripartylove · 1 month ago
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Aaaand now I have not only a pretty bad cold but also diarrhea, wonderful
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midnightwind · 8 days ago
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having the weirdest stomach issues of just having a negative appetite even when I'm so hungry it hurts, but only being able to eat like half a meal at best before it gets too much all while my stomach hurts
why does my stomach feel the need to shake up the chronic problems, were the last few years not interesting enough?
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niuniente · 2 months ago
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Oh wow, I knew I was really sick with the anemia but I never realized just HOW sick I was. Feels like I was living like a zombie in a body bag with only 10% access to the world.
I didn't expect anemia to affect my eyesight this much! I have been admiring colors around my for days and I just can't stop admiring them. The first day back at home I walked around my apartment looking at all the postcards and posters on my walls, because they were so bright and vibrant. Even a candle light looked brighter! I went to my favorite café afterwards to celebrate this milestone and I never realized how brightly green their plants are and how beautiful the café's plates are, too.
Other things I have noticed with the improved iron levels:
I fall asleep in 5-10 minutes when I'm sleepy instead of tossing with insomnia for 3-5 hours.
I sleep really well and soundly, and have lots of dreams which is always a good sign for me.
I don't sweat as much and as easily anymore.
My mysterious anxiety, bad mood and feelings of doom (which are not who I am!) which have been looming on the background for 24/7 and never left no matter what I did are almost all gone. Digestion and traveling still causes some anxiety but I can live with that.
My natural walking speed is a lot faster.
My heart isn't trying to kill me when I get up stairs to my apartment.
I'm REALLY happy and excited 24/7, even when I'm tired! That's who I am! I feel like a fast and luxurious Ferrari when it comes to my mood and excitement for life!
Breathing is easier, even when resting/sitting.
I have energy to clean the house, for example I have done dishes daily without issues. Starting something isn't hard anymore.
I can think clearly and my horrible brain fog is gone.
No more restless feet when trying to sleep.
I'm not exhausted 24/7 for no reason but I can actually do things that I like and I enjoy of them (before they exhausted me, too, like watching something).
My body doesn't ache 24/7 as much as it used to.
Period pains are easier.
I think that my appetite has improved a bit and there's less of nausea.
I can't wait for the time when I can live like this every day! <3
P.S. I've been a bit sleepier than normal but in a good way like "Ah, sleep! <3 I love sleeping!" I don't know if it's a side effect from the treatment or is it because my body finally gets a chance to rest for real, and it's catching up with the years of loss of a proper rest.
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goldenstring6123 · 4 months ago
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Lnds: Reconciliation
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Warning: Still a bit angst-y. no teeth-rotting fluff. lots of drama.
Author's note: Please read "Lnds: Fighting with them" first before reading this one.
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Zayne:
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Well, most of the problems have been resolved already when you have heart-to-heart talks with him in his office. Although it was inevitable that you would shed a tear of frustration, Zayne would never let you go to sleep with a heavy heart.
Despite being mentally exhausted from your work and your fight, his genuine kindness will never flicker, especially towards you. When he gets home, his first instinct is to find you and check on your state—sure, you've resolved the issue through the conversation. Still, he isn't naive to think that lingering afterthoughts of the fight won't weigh your heart down.
Zayne loves you, and albeit he can't say it directly, he'd show it to you instead.
When he finds you, you are most likely lost in your thoughts, reflecting or distracting yourself in one way or another, but it will almost always be the same scenario: you will be sitting out in the garden in your nightwear.
Zayne would place his bag down and head to the kitchen to brew your favorite warm drink, doubling the amount of sweetened cocoa powder. It's not healthy to drink, but it was okay once in a while. You could hear the clinking of the teaspoon hitting the mug, and shortly after, Zayne was behind you, draping a knitted shawl over your shoulders.
He would hand you the drink and simply sit beside you in silence. He wasn't on his phone and dared not speak, letting only the chilly air envelop you both.
It wasn't awkward; there was no tension. Just silence.
And a little warmth as his hands clasped onto yours, his thumb grazing your palm.
That moment made you think that whatever you fought about felt trivial and tiny.
"I'm sorry for getting mad," you tell him lightly. "Thank you for the drink."
Zayne had said his sorries, and he didn't really need to hear one from you, but nonetheless, you were heard. He felt your head rest on his shoulders, and together, you basked under the full moon.
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Xavier:
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Xavier was looking for you. He went to the office and to that small hidden field, searching for an inkling of your presence. He didn't know what he would do once he managed to find you, but it was the last thought in his mind.
You weren't in your apartment, and it had already been 24 hours. Xavier waited patiently in silence, reflecting on your fight. A phantom of pain from you slapping him amplified the fear in your face, sending an ache through his heart.
He shouldn't have done that. He didn't know why. You never had the habit of running away during a fight, so he was unsure why he was unconsciously pressing you against the wall. Xavier is more than aware that his strength is incomparable to yours. You would, quite frankly, stand no chance if he used force, but that was precisely the point; he had no reason to use it.
He wanted to apologize to you, and he wanted you to reprimand him. He could take another hit from you, but what he can never accept is seeing that frightened, cornered look on your face.
You arrived pretty late into the night, and he was still there on your sofa, patiently waiting for you, almost like a little puppy. You spared him a few seconds of your glance but turned away soon after, taking off your coat, dropping your bag, and heading to the bedroom to speak.
You lay in your bed, facing away from the door because you knew too well that he would come in after you. Even then, you didn't lock the door. Xavier looked more than dejected when you didn't speak to him. You kept your position and closed your eyes shut.
Quietly, the silver-haired man made his way to your bedroom, peeking before carefully entering and lying beside you. Lightly, he clutched onto the hem of your shirt. "I want to apologize," his voice cracked a little, almost making it seem he was on the verge of tears.
"I don't like it when you corner me," you told him.
He scooted closer. "I know, I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I promise."
"I don't like it when you don't listen to my side of the story."
"I'll listen to your side next time," Xavier said, his voice faint yet closer.
It was the perfect time to let go of your anger. You never really talked about his habit when you fight, and you were partly at fault for tolerating it, hoping he would just listen one day. But how would Xavier change something when he didn't know how it affected you so much?
You rolled over to finally face him, his eyes going wide. You stroked his cheek, the side which you slapped the day before. "I shouldn't have slapped you. I'm sorry." Luckily, you didn't hit him too hard; otherwise, the ring on your finger would've cut his face.
Relieved that you had forgiven him, Xavier grabbed the hand that stroked his cheek. He closed his eyes and basked in your warmth. "Don't be. I scared you, and I deserved that." It was a quiet moment for you. Neither of you really knew what you had to say to each other. All was forgiven, and what awaits is simply the both of you fulfilling the end of your promises.
To fill in the silence, Xavier scooted closer and closer, kissing the exposed part of your collarbone shortly after, burying his face in your chest. You smell like coffee, he thought, but rather than stir him awake, it lulled him to sleep.
It didn't take long for him to snooze off to dreamland; after all, he waited for you for a day, not once sleeping in the hopes that he could see you face to face.
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Rafayel:
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In this relationship, you're almost always the one who needs to go after him, coddle him like an infant, and practically mend the entire relationship. Almost.
On rare occasions, Rafayel would apologize. That was the case for that big fight between you two. You had gone no-contact, leaving him on read most of the time. You avoided the place where you could likely find him wandering about; after all, it was him who should be going after you in this fight. You didn't owe him anything.
You ended up on the sandy shore of the bay, watching the tides threaten to soil your shoe, only to retreat and slither back into the sea. The cold air brought with it the salty scent of the ocean water, bringing a slight comfort to your nose.
The roughness of the waters masked the crunching sounds of Rafayel's footsteps; only then did you notice his presence when those familiar, gentle arms circled around the dip of your waist.
Silence.
"I was looking for you," he uttered under his breath.
"Why?"
"To apologize."
"Do you even know what you're apologizing for?" That came out of your lips monotonously, yet it struck every fiber of Rafayel's being.
"I said too much. I was mad, and so were you, but that's not an excuse to insult you and your feelings." To Rafayel, the waves were ready to swallow him whole. Like a poor little crab, unable to run away from the sea. "I was wrong for doing that, and I was wrong for shutting you out."
The apology wasn't enough. It was sincere, but it wasn't enough. "You can't keep doing that to me, Raf. You don't even get to give me a chance to speak." You pried away the hands that tried to bring you comfort. "You curse at me, you insult everything about me, and then kick me out like I'm just a major problem you can toss aside."
You could see your lover bite his lip. Anxious.
You love Rafayel, and there's nothing that can change that, and even if you were the one running after him during your fights, he fails to comprehend that you get tired, too.
"I'm an adult," you started. "We both are, Rafayel. But when we fight, why do you belittle me so much? Do you really think that low of me? Do you think you can push me around and make me follow all of your emotional whims?"
"No!" Rafayel exclaimed, in disbelief that your thought process had led you to say what you said. "I was mad. I didn't mean anything that I sai—"
"Then treat me right, Rafayel. Is that so hard to do? Is it really complicated to just…talk? Is it so hard to just sit down on your couch and listen to me?" You kept your lips shut, eyes staring at him without much thought. The usual cheery tone of your voice, nowhere in sight, in its wake, exhaustion. "I can only do so much for you, and I'm growing tired the more you do this to me—I get tired as well, Rafayel. You need to realize that."
The poor man didn't know what to say. Your words invaded his head, ridding it of any thought. They hurt. They stung at his heart. His fingers raised to lightly pull the hem of your sleeve, eyes meeting yours, glossy and flickering with fear; with hesitation, he asked: "Are you…breaking up with me?"
"I love you too much to break up with you." You took his cold hands. "I want to make us work. So help me. I can't do this alone." You tell him.
Your fingers were tiny against his own, yet they belonged in the in-betweens. You closed them and placed a kiss on the back of his palm.
He pulled you into an embrace, tightly, like the world was about to end in a matter of seconds.
He was cold, but his hug was warm. "I promise I'll work on myself. I don't want to hurt you again, and I don't want you to get tired of me." Rafayel whispered in your ear. "So don't give up on me. I'll change…"
The spare hand that hung on your hand gradually crept up his back, finding its usual place between Rafayel's shoulder blades. You rubbed small circles, the only comfort you could provide despite your exhaustion.
"I'll hold you to your word." You pressed a kiss on his cheek. As you did, you realized something you didn't a few minutes before.
Rafayel's exposed neck, his thin clothing, and his sandals didn't cover his whole feet. In the cold seaside, Rafayel looked like a madman wearing an indoor outfit, as if he had just walked out of his home without much thought. No wonder why he was so cold. He was shivering both at the thought of you nearly breaking up with him and because of the chilly mists of water hitting his way.
You unrolled the cotton scarf that warmed your neck, wrapping it around him instead. "Let's head home, I don't want you getting sick."
He quietly complied, pulling away from you but keeping your hand locked with his.
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Sylus:
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The same things happen again and again; it makes you feel numb. Empty.
There was no difference when you woke up alone or when you woke up in his embrace. Not when you were fighting.
Not tonight.
Sylus was awake. You couldn't see him due to the sheer darkness of his room, but he was there, his thumb brushing against your nape while a leg crossed over yours. You stared off into the corner of the room, wondering who was going to speak first.
"We're not breaking up, sweetie." It was more of a demand rather than a statement.
"We won't," two can play at his game. "If you apologize." Nobody would want to be abandoned and left hanging for a month. Especially not you.
You mustered the strength to push yourself up, expecting a bit of restraint from your lover—to your surprise, he let you stand up.
"Apologize for what, exactly? It was you who decided to test my patience. You were the one who cursed at me, calling me names and even throwing things in my way, so pray-tell, sweetie, what do I have to apologize for?" He stared at you, his gaze unfaltering and intense.
"I'm sorry," you stood your ground, yet the apology was long due. "I don't remember what we fought about, but I apologize. For cursing at you, for throwing things in your face. That won't happen again."
A lengthy breath escaped his lips, sounding unsatisfied with your seemingly half-hearted and shallow apology. Sylus wouldn't want to admit it to you, but he doesn't even know why he was mad; all Sylus knew that evening was that he was overcome with too much anger, one that he would usually release through violence. But it involved you. He doesn't want to hurt you or lay a hand on you, so the best option he has is to get away.
He didn't know for how long he should be gone, and in the blink of an eye, a full month had passed.
His anger had long been gone the same time as your loneliness began to fester.
As simple as the apology sounded, it was more than enough for him. "You're forgiven. Don't do that to me ever again."
The man stood up, and you watched his figure as he strode closer to you. He could see the look in your eyes, the anguish mixed with despair, and as he was about to pull you into a hug, a reverberating slap echoed in his room.
The back of his hand stung. And so did your palm.
"You're not going to touch me until you apologize, too, Sylus." Your throat burned at your own words. Your feet felt like they were buried half an inch into the floor, preventing you from running away. He looked down at you, low-lidded eyes devoid of any life.
"Why should I?"
You wanted to laugh at his crap.
"Why is it that you demand compensation every time I leave you on read for more than 3 days? Why do I have to explain where I've been, who I was with, and why I was gone while you—" A bitter laugh bloomed out of your mouth, "While you come here and not even offer a single bit of an explanation nor an apology?"
Sylus offers nothing in exchange for your words. He avoided you, that he can't deny. He used his work as an excuse to bury you at the back of his head and intentionally minimized your presence in his life.
"Hah," the ache at the back of your neck crept to the back of your head, nearly sending your head to throb all over. "You're unfair, Sylus. You're so goddamn unfair that…" You couldn't continue the words you wanted to say. It will only fan the flame in your heart and his.
"I just," the shiver in your breath snapped Sylus into reality. The feeling in your throat was uncomfortable. It was slowly becoming tangled, choking you of air. "I just want an apology from you, Sylus. Even just a small apology for abandoning me." And the fact that you had to beg him for it is just…
Sylus wrapped his hand around you, keeping your arms in place. You tried to break free from his grasp, but he held on to you tightly, not offering you a way out. Your face was smashed against his chest, and you could hear his heartbeat, pumping, beating all too fast.
"Forgive me," Sylus whispered. "There's no excuse for what I did."
His words were like the key to your eyes as tears began to cascade down your cheeks. There was no need for him to say anything else; it was enough for you. There was no strength left in you to reciprocate his hug, but you wanted to.
Sylus slipped his hand underneath your thighs and lifted you up. Carefully trudging to the bed, he laid you down in the same place you got up, tucking a blanket over you. He got on the bed as well, pulling you closer to his grasp.
"I'll make it up to you tomorrow." He stroked your cheek and placed a kiss on your eyes. "We can talk properly, and I'll apologize again," Sylus said. The same hand that touched your cheek slid down onto your shoulders, caressing it up and down.
The weariness began to settle in. The soft mattress and pillows and his warm touch.
It was getting harder and harder to keep your eyes open, and you didn't know why you were fighting the fatigue, but Sylus' promise helped you settle down.
He doesn't go back on his words and doesn't say things he doesn't mean. You hold him up to his words.
And quietly, you drift off to sleep.
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Author footnotes: I changed the writing style to a somewhat story-telling format. I hope you guys don't mind.Layout by me, using canva premium | Do not repost |
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felinecyan · 5 months ago
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Perfectly Fine
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[Keigo Takami x Female!Reader]
Synopsis: Hawks plays off that everything is “perfectly fine,” but you know better than to believe him.
WC: 2186
Category: Hurt/Comfort, Soft!Reader, Slight Angst
I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with Hawks and angst, I blame Conan Gray being stuck in my head 24/7, but here you go! 😀👍
『••✎••』
You knew he wasn't okay.
You saw him every day. You spent more time with him than anyone else in his life. He had always been so bright and so positive that it was jarring when you realized just how exhausted he truly was.
He tried. He tried so hard. He was smiling and making jokes like normal. It was so hard not to get caught up in his infectious positivity. But you knew him well enough to see through it all.
And his eyes said it all.
They weren't as bright and golden as they normally were. They looked dim. The dark circles underneath were a clear indication that he hadn't been sleeping well lately—or at all.
This was the one thing you absolutely despised about Keigo. His independence was a good aspect to have for a pro-hero, but not when it was detrimental to his own health.
He was always doing things on his own. He was a people pleaser, so of course, he didn't want to ask for help. It was his problem, so he'd handle it himself.
And you wished you could just knock some sense into that bird brain of his.
The last straw was when he came home in the middle of the night, completely disheveled, and collapsed on the couch.
It wasn't uncommon for him to come home late, and you were usually already asleep, but tonight was different. Tonight, you were still awake.
And it was almost 3 am.
You had heard him enter the house. You were about to get up to greet him, but his heavy footsteps had paused at the doorway. The silence continued for a few seconds until you heard him stumble and collapse onto the couch.
You got up immediately and rushed into the living room. Your heart broke at the sight of him.
He was sitting on the floor with his back on the couch. He had taken off his jacket and boots. His wings were limp, and the feathers were ruffled and messy. His head was in his hands, and his hair was an absolute mess.
"Keigo," you whispered, walking up to him.
You had a million questions going through your mind, but you were also worried he was hurt, so you decided to keep it simple.
"Are you okay?"
He didn't move. Not even his wings.
He did speak, however, but you wished he hadn't.
"Perfectly fine."
The words were like poison. His tone was so cold, so dark, so unlike him. You hated it. You had to force yourself not to recoil in disgust.
Just as he said those words, he made himself even worse by letting out a dry, humorless chuckle. It was so unnatural and wrong coming from him.
It scared you. It angered you. You couldn't understand how he could be like this.
You knelt down in front of him, placing your hands over his.
"Keigo," you murmured. "I’m begging you. Please don't do this."
"Do what?" His eyes met yours, completely focused. It was almost unnerving. "What am I doing?"
"You're pushing me away," you stated, trying to keep your voice from cracking. "Again."
His gaze lingered for a few moments before his eyes trailed to the floor. He let out a sigh, sounding almost irritated.
"I told you, I'm fine," he muttered, his expression hardening. "You should get some sleep."
His tone was much harsher than before, and it was beginning to frustrate you.
"I can't do that," you whispered.
"Why not?"
"Because I can't, Keigo," you said, your voice rising. "You make it so… so difficult for me to just sit back and watch you do this. You keep saying that everything is fine, but it isn't. It's not. You know it's not."
He was silent, and you were beginning to think that he was refusing to respond to you.
"You've been coming home at weird hours, and you don't even try to hide the fact that you're exhausted. Your eyes have bags under them, and your wings are a complete mess. You look so pale, Keigo."
"I’m—"
"If you say you're fine one more time," your voice was trembling, and your eyes were starting to burn. "I swear, I will throw myself out of this window."
That made a small smile creep onto his face. It wasn’t genuine, but it was a start.
"As much as I love pancakes, you know I wouldn’t let you go through with that," he said, his tone becoming lighter.
You didn't hesitate.
"Then why are you making me go through with this?"
You didn't miss the small flinch he did. If you’d been in this situation a couple of years ago, you would’ve missed it.
But not anymore. You knew him better than anyone.
"We’re supposed to be partners, remember? You’re a harder book to read, Keigo, and I’m sorry I’m too easy for you, but we should be able to trust each other."
He only looked down and let out a sigh. He was trying so hard to keep his composure, but his emotions were beginning to break through.
You reached forward and gently placed your hand on his cheek, turning his face so he would look at you.
"And if something is bothering you, you should want to tell me. But I can’t help but feel like I'm not good enough to be someone you can confide in because if you did, then maybe you wouldn't look like this right now." You brushed a lock of his golden hair away from his forehead.
He looked so tired. So defeated.
And he was. You could tell by the look in his eyes that he was struggling with himself. It was as if he were weighing his options.
Stay silent or talk to you.
Stay strong or admit his weakness.
You wanted him to choose the latter. You needed him to choose the latter. If he was going to keep pretending everything was fine, your heart couldn’t take it.
A moment of silence passed, and then two, and then three. It was like an eternity had gone by.
Then, finally, the room was filled with his deep, shaky exhale. The environment changed. The air was thicker. You felt the tension and the stress and the sadness.
"I'm not the person you deserve."
It was such a simple phrase, but you were stunned. He sounded so broken, and you didn’t understand why.
"I don't deserve you," he repeated, his voice barely a whisper. “I never did."
You were just speechless. You were expecting his troubles to be something along the lines of work or the Hero Public Safety Commission. It probably still is, but you weren’t expecting him to feel… insecure about himself.
"That’s…" You shook your head. "No, Keigo, that's not true. Why would you think that?"
"Why wouldn't I think that?"
He didn't wait for your response.
"I'm too focused on being a hero," he started, his expression hardening again. "I'm always out. I'm never here. Sure, I kidnap you and make you my hostage every once in a while, but even then, I'm always thinking about work. Always thinking about how I can save more people. I'm always busy, and when I'm not, I'm exhausted."
His hands tightened into fists.
"You deserve someone who can be here with you all the time. Someone who can take the time to actually appreciate you, not just a text here and there, or a quick phone call, or a stupid note. You deserve someone who doesn’t have to leave the house before the sun even rises."
Your eyes were beginning to water, and you tried not to sniffle, but it was becoming more and more difficult to control yourself.
"You deserve a life where you can relax. You deserve someone who you know is always going to be there when you need it. I can't be that for you, and it's frustrating because I really wish I could."
"Oh, Takami," you whispered, pulling him towards you.
His arms wrapped around your waist, and his face was buried in the crook of your neck. He was holding onto you as if he were hanging on for dear life.
"I hate being like this." His voice was muffled, but you could still hear the disgust in his tone.
"Like what?"
"So pathetic," he grumbled. "I hate acting like a kid. Like an immature, needy little… little child."
He had trouble getting the last word out. You couldn't tell whether it was because he was frustrated or ashamed, or both.
"Hey," you whispered, running your fingers through his hair. It seemed to always soothe him. "It’s not immaturity, and it definitely is not childish. It’s just being human."
You could feel him let out a long, deep exhale.
"You are the Number 2 Pro-Hero. You're a very busy man. I knew it then, and I know it now. I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to be with you."
You paused, taking a deep breath.
"Yes, sometimes I get lonely, and I miss you, and it sucks. Sometimes, I want to lock you in the house and not let you leave until the end of the world, but that wouldn't be fair to your fangirls.”
That earned a small chuckle from him.
"And it wouldn't be fair to all those innocent people who need you too. I don't like having to share you with the entire city, but that's just the way it is, and it's something I knew I had to get used to."
His arms squeezed around your waist. You felt his warm breath on your neck, which made you shiver slightly.
"And it's not your fault, either. We will have times like these, where you're too busy, and we won't see each other for a while, but at the end of the day, I'm still going to be waiting for you. At the end of the day, we’ll be perfectly fine."
"What a sap," he mumbled, though you could hear the smile in his voice.
"Hey! I'm trying to be romantic!" You playfully smacked his shoulder. "Be grateful."
He chuckled and pulled away from the embrace. You didn't want him to at first, but when you saw his expression, you smiled.
He was grinning. He was finally genuinely happy. There was a twinkle in his eye, and his wings were perked up. His feathers were starting to look much cleaner and fluffier. He was starting to look like his old self.
"I'll make a mental note of that," he replied, a mischievous smile tugging at his lips. "You are the cutest sap ever."
"Shut up." You rolled your eyes and let out a laugh. "Go to bed, bird boy."
"Wait, wait, wait, hold on," he said, holding his hands up. "You're not going to give me a good night kiss?"
You scoffed.
"And you say you’re not childish."
"No, seriously."
Before you could ask him what he meant, he grabbed your waist and pulled you onto his lap. Your arms instinctively went around his neck, and you squealed and caught off guard.
"Hey!" You protested, trying to glare at him, but it was hard to do when he was looking at you with such adoration.
"C'mere," he hummed, resting his forehead against yours. "Let's see how good of a kisser you really are."
"Okay, no, let's not," you said, leaning away from him. "That was awful. That was worse than awful."
"Oh, c'mon!" He chuckled, his eyes full of amusement. "I've been waiting to use that for ages."
"Well, don't," you said, shaking your head. "That just made me want to turn into a pancake even more."
"It’s too bad we don't have syrup," he joked, giving you a quick wink. "Guess I'll have to improvise."
"That's it," you said, trying to push him away, but he only laughed and pulled you closer.
"Stop trying to avoid the inevitable, darling," he murmured, his eyes meeting yours.
"Please don't say anything else," you begged, your face growing warm. "Please. I'm not kidding, Takami."
"Neither am I."
And this… This was what everything was worth.
Keigo looked so content. He was happy. He was relaxed. He wasn't thinking about anything but this moment. He wasn't overthinking things. He wasn't forcing himself to stay positive.
He was just being him, finally. The rest of the night the discussion wasn’t brought up again, and it didn’t need to. You both knew exactly what the other was thinking… feeling. And sure, there’s no doubt there’ll be another time when he will be stressed out again, overworking himself and pushing himself too hard, but you would be there to pull him back down.
You would be there to remind him that everything would be okay and that no matter how hard he tries to fix it all on his own, you would simply remind him that he doesn’t have to do that anymore.
He doesn’t need to keep hiding behind that smile; the only smile he should ever have is the real one.
The one where he truly is perfectly fine.
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vorestarr · 1 year ago
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ascended astarion and vampire spouses
so I've been reading the dnd 2e manual "Van Richten's Guide to Vampires" for fic/game inspiration, and there's this really interesting chapter on vampire brides and grooms. after reading it, it's very clear to me that Astarion didn't turn Tav into a typical spawn, but into a vampire spouse, which are two very different rituals with very different outcomes.
the typical vampire spawn creation process is exactly what Astarion describes happening to him: a painful death, a painful rebirth into undeath, fighting his way out of his own coffin, and Cazador's complete control over him. this is described pretty clearly in the guide to vampires:
According to most related tales, a vampire can create another simply by killing a mortal either with its life-energy draining power (draining all the character's experience leveIs) or by exhausting the mortal of his or her blood supply. If the victim's body is not properly destroyed, it arises as a vampire, under the control of the creature who killed it, on the second night following the burial. [...] Most vampires remember the instant of their death and the nature of their killer, and understand immediately their new nature. Certainly their new hunger gives them a good idea of what they have become. They must immediately free themselves from their grave. either by breaking it open from within or by assuming gaseous form and diffusing out.
so that's definitely what happened to Astarion, but that's not what happens to Tav. after ascended Astarion turns Tav into a vampire, they can ask him what happened, and he describes the following:
Astarion: You are so beautiful... And you will be beautiful forever. Thank you for trusting me. Player: What exactly happened? Astarion: You were drained dry, and at the height of your delirium, I granted you one drop of my own blood. Things will be a touch different for you than they were for me when I was a spawn. I'm imbibed with unfathomable new talents. I am fairly certain I can extend Mephistopheles' blessings unto you. Player: Does that mean I need not fear the sun? Astarion: You need not fear anything. You will be stronger, swifter, sharper, but you won't be different. You were already perfect before. It's hard to improve.
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for reference, this is how the guide to vampires describes the ritual for vampire spouses:
To actually create the bride, the vampire bestows what is known as the "Dark Kiss". lt samples the blood of its mortal paramour—once, twice, thrice—draining her almost to the point of death. This process causes the subject no pain; in fact, it has been described as the most euphoric, ecstatic experience, in comparison to which all ether pleasures fade into insignificance. Just as the subject is about to slip into the terminal coma from which there is no awakening, the vampire opens a gash in its own flesh—often in its throat—and holds the subject's mouth to the wound, As the burning draught that is the vampire’s blood gushes into the subject's mouth, the primitive feeding instinct is triggered, and she sucks hungrily at the wound, enraptured. With the first taste of the blood, the subject is possessed of great and frenzied strength (Str 18, if the character’s Str isn't already higher), and will use it to prevent the vampire from separating her from the fountain of wonder that is its bleeding wound. lt is at this point that the creator-vampire's strength is most sorely tested. He is weakened by his own blood loss, and also by his own rapture as the "victim" of a dark kiss. Overcoming the sudden loss of strength and the inclinations of lust, the vampire must pull her away from its own throat, hopefully without harming her, before she has overfed. Should the subject be allowed to feed for too long (more than 2 rounds), she is driven totally and incurably insane, and will die in agony within 24 hours. Once the subject has stopped feeding, she falls into a coma that lasts minutes or hours (2dl2 turns), at the end of which time she dies. Several (1 d3) hours later, she arises as a Fledgling vampire—and her creator's bride.
this to me sounds like what Astarion describes. he drains Tav almost dry, and at the very last moment, gives them a single drop of his blood. (also interesting reading this guide, the single drop avoids the problem of the vampire spouse being driven ravenous with hunger for the vampire creator's blood and attacking them. did Astarion know this and give them one drop on purpose to avoid that and Tav potentially being driven mad by it? or was he being selfish and this is just a nice but unanticipated outcome?)
i kept reading and there's a lot more interesting information about vampire spouses, but the most interesting thing I found related to the game was this:
Although there are some folk tales that describe the bride of a vampire as its slave, in much the same way that offspring are slaves, a bride is free-willed from the moment of her creation. The creator vampire does have great influence over the bride. however although this control is totally nonmagical. When a vampire is created in the traditional manner—that is, when a victim's life energy is completely drained away—the new fledgling instinctively understands much about the vampiric way of unlife, and about its own strengths, weaknesses* and needs. Not so the bride.
so basically, the vampire spouse is not tied to the vampire creator in the same way as a spawn (i.e., not able to be fully controlled) but is still extremely reliant on the vampire creator to teach them how to live as a vampire. the guide goes on to describe that some vampire creators may lie to their vampire spouse about the control or powers they have, in order to exert more control over them.
interestingly, if you ask Astarion if he can compel you the way Cazador compelled him, he doesn't give a straight answer, he just says this:
Player: Cazador could compel you - can you compel me? Astarion: Why would I need to? You're going to be wonderfully obedient.
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to me, all of this says that Astarion was telling the truth when he told Tav that they would be different from him as a spawn, and also in emphasizing that they are not a spawn but a consort. he didn't create a spawn, he created a vampire spouse. he married Tav, and because of this Tav also retains their free will.
of course, Astarion doesn't say this. if he knows, he withholds this information in much the way that this guide describes, as a way for the creator to maintain more control over their spouse. but still, extremely interesting implications for the ascended Astarion romance, imo.
other interesting facts about vampire spouses from the guide to vampires:
the married couple has telepathic communication that can span miles -- so Tav and Astarion can potentially have a telepathic bond even after the tadpoles are gone. (another note, this communication has to be consensual both ways for it to work, so you can't just dig around someone's mind if they don't want it.)
the vampire creator is extremely jealous and possessive. (yeah lol)
their life forces are linked, so one suffering a great deal is felt by the other.
the bond can be broken, but the ritual to do so has to be initiated by the creator. to break it, they both spill their blood on the ground and allow it to mix. this dissolves all aspects of the bond (i.e., telepathy and linked life forces), but the spouse stays a vampire.
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kyracooneyx23 · 6 months ago
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Leah williamson pleaseeee🙏🙏🙏
Enchanted - Leah Williamson
Leah Williamson x singer!reader
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summary - You write a song about England's captain after meeting her briefly at an event not expecting her to share your feelings
Last night had gone by in a blur, you hardly remembered anything that happened. Everything except the short conversation you had shared with a certain blonde. You had accidentally bumped into whilst walking around causing her to spill her drink.
After the first glance, you were captivated by her. She was literally the girl you spent your spare time dreaming about after your last relationships had failed drastically. For the last 24 hours she was all you could think about your thoughts consumed by the short conversation you had shared.
Lights, camera, smile. You were walking around the large area, sipping from your third glass of champagne already and you weren't even half way through the event. You were exhausted from your recent concerts at Wembley, you would've much preferred to be at your apartment watching movies and eating junk. But instead you were being forced to smile for too many cameras.
You were contemplating pulling a sickie and getting an uber home but your mindset switched when you felt yourself collide with another body. 'Shit, I'm sorry.' You look up at the girl in front of you who's previously full glass was now all over the ground and their shoes. You were lost for words, she was hands down the most gorgeous girl you had ever laid eyes on. 'I can get you a new pair, if you'd like.' You offer but your voice is hardly a whisper, your hearts heavy beats probably more audible as nerves take over.
'It's fine, I'll probably never wear them again.' She laughs, the blondes laugh is the greatest laugh you've ever heard, you make it your goal for the night to hear it again. 'Have we met before?' She asks, a quizzical look meeting your gaze.
'I think I'd remember meeting someone as pretty as you.' You blurt out, eyes widening and hand slapping over your mouth once you realise what you just said.
She chuckled at your flustering. 'You think I'm pretty?' She teased a small smirk painting her face.
'No! Yes! I mean, please just forget I said anything.' you say shyly looking down at your feet as you went bright red. The cute blonde let out a laugh. Little did she know how cute you really thought she was.
'I'm Leah by the way.' The unfamiliar girl introduced holding her had for you to shake.
'I'm Y/N L/N.' You say back shaking the girls hand watching as her jaw drops.
'No way am I shaking the Y/N L/N's hand.' She said her voice a pitch higher from excitement. 'I feel like the worst person on earth for not recognising you sooner.' you laughed lightly before you were taken out of the moment by another voice calling Leah's name.
'Leah, I've been looking everywhere for you, let's go you have training early tomorrow.' He says drawing Leah's attention away from the you, you looked to the new man who hadn't even acknowledged your presence, but that didn't matter all that mattered was that Leah was leaving and you had no clue how you were going to find her again.
Leah began following the new man but turned around to face you again. 'It was enchanting to meet you, y/n.' Leah smiled before walking off. Yes it was very enchanting.
Her last words she spoke to you had left you in shock, almost as much shock as when you realized that Leah was in fact the Leah Williamson, you felt like an idiot for not recognizing the English footballer sooner.
But still you couldn't stop thinking about the six words that had such an affect on you that you decided to write a whole song based off them, hence why you spent 5 hours last night writing and rewriting the lyrics to your newest song. One you knew would make the fans go crazy over, but you hoped Leah wouldn't find it to weird.
yourinstagram just posted
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liked by oliviarodrigo, hallebailey and 1,930,546 others
yourinstagram last night was sparkling✨
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sadiesink prettiest girl evaaa
yourinstagram says you
madisonbeer miss you y/n/n
yourinstagram come to london mads 🙏
username the things I would let her do to me
user73 the bi panic is real
maddieziegler ugly
yourinstagram 🪞🪞🪞 username02 i want a relationship with my best friend like the one they have yourinstagram trust me you don't user23 help she's so unserious
wosofan77 did anyone else see the pictures of her and leah together
LW6 yes! leah looked like the biggest fangirl
y/n'sbiggestfan is it just me or does the caption sound like a new song lyric????
yourinstagram 😏
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During a meeting with your publisher a few days after you'd finalised your new song and recorded it so it was ready to be released, you were sitting around doing nothing when a loud ping interrupted your daydreaming.
Your jaw dropped.
leahwilliamsonn started following you!
A loud scream left your mouth and you instantly rung your best friend Maddie, who you'd already told everything to involving the Leah situation.
'What do you want now?' Maddie's grumpy voice asked but you didn't care about how pissed she sounded.
'Leah followed me!' You squealed into the phone earning a groan from your best friend.
'Woo.' The american said in the most unenthusiastic, most sarcastic tone you've ever heard.
'You should be happy for your best friend.' You say childishly pouting.
'I would be if you hadn't called me at 5:50 on a Saturday morning, you know this is the day when I have a lie in.' She complains causing you to make an 'o' shape wit your mouth, you'd forgotten about the time difference between London and America.
'Sorry!' You apologise but only momentarily sympathising with the girl before returning to, in your opinion, more important matters. 'Well now you're awake, will you atleast give me advice on what to do. I don't want to embarrass myself.'
'I couldn't care less what you do, just follow her back or something. It's not that deep.' She tells you and you can tell by the way she yawns she just wants to be back in bed.
'Ok, sorry for waking you up. I'll let you get back to your beauty sleep now.' You say waiting for her to say goodbye but instead she just hands up. You roll your eyes, before opening instagram on your phone and hovering your finger over the follow back button next to Leah's profile which you had already spent hours stalking on a fake account. You repeat the words Maddie had told you in your mind a couple of times before manning up and pressing the button. After a while when nothing explodes you let out a breath you didn't realise you'd been holding.
Your publisher then returns to the room holding a couple of papers which she hands to you. 'You know the drill Miss L/N, I love the song and can't wait for you release it. It's going to be a hit.' She smiles and you grin back.
'Thank you so much for all your help, it doesn't go unnoticed.' You tell her. You both say goodbye before you head home.
For the first time in your career, you were releasing a single that you hadn't told the fans about. You didn't really care what they thought, you just prayed that a certain blonde footballer would like the song and not find it creepy.
yourinstagram just posted
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liked by sadiesink, leahwilliamson and 3,476,891 others
yourinstagram E N C H A N T E D
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maddieziegler proud of you
yourinstagram 🫶🏽
y/n'sbiggestfan I was right!!!
liawaelti love the song!
katie_mccabe11 so does another Leah... victoriapelova she is going to kill you katie user27 help what are they on about
user43 does anyone know who this is about??
maddiezeigler 🙋
taylorswift 💜
yourinstagram no way your freaking kidding me
oliviarodrigo 🐐🐐🐐
leawilliamsonn 💙💙
upthegunners LEAH?!
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Your song was going viral, fans were going crazy over who you had written it about. But you didn't care, you were still obsessing over the fact that Leah hadn't just liked but also commented on your post. Maybe that meant she didn't find it weird, or maybe she hadn't put the pieces together it was about her.
Surely she had though.
You had made sure to let all your friends know how Leah had interacted with your post, but much to your dismay, most of them hung up mid call. So now you were left alone with a bottle of prosseco, celebrating your latest hit.
You were still wondering what Leah was thinking about the song. You were kind of stressed whether the Arsenal star was finding it creepy how you'd written a whole song about a girl you'd spoken to for the best part of ten minutes. But those worries were put to rest when you checked your instagram.
leahwilliamsonn just posted
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liked by bethmead_, stephcatley and 92,370 others
leahwilliamsonn I was enchanted to meet you too
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katiemccabe_11 Leah the simp
leahwilliamsonn piss of McCabe
keirawalsh Leah's in loveeee
leahwilliamsonn i regret posting this now
leahfanpage the way I screamed
user65 bro same, this was not what i was expecting
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leahwilliamsonn sent yourinstagram a message...
Part 2? (also sorry this is terrible)
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pixieishottogo · 18 days ago
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"Anything" ♡ Curly x Anya
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art credit: seagummies on twitter
warnings: angst, topic of miscarriage
this is a good ending au of mouthwashing! if u are a hater, then dni🥰 this post aint for u, babe
Chapter 1
Jimmy had been dead for the past few months due to the crash. The crew has been slowly rotting. They have lost all hope, and for good reason. Daisuke and Swansea are unconscious because of hunger and exhaustion. Curly and Anya are slowly losing grip. Despite all this, the beautiful glowing screen still showcased the moon and stars. Curly's hair sticks to his face due to anxious sweat. "Well, we had a good run. Didn't we." Curly smiled. Anya laid beside him and she smiled despite the tears rolling down her face. "Yeah." Curly's breath hitches "Anya... I'm-”
Curly opened his eyes with a jolt. There he was, in the hospital. His whole body was aching. A nurse walked over to his bed, "How are you feeling, sir?" His eyes widened harshly. "Where is my crew?" He yelled. "Are they okay? Is Anya alive? I never got to tell her I'm sorry!" Curly's heart beat spiked. Thinking about Anya's distressed face made him feel nauseous from guilt. He placed his head in his hands, as if grappling with reality. The nurse spoke gently to try and to calm him down, "Everyone is okay. Some are still waking up." He sighed, feeling relieved. A doctor came into the room. "How did we survive? How are we home?" Curly was more than shocked. The doctor walked up to him, holding his papers. "Another space ship found you guys. Some astronomers were on an expedition in the area. You all were very lucky they were out there." The doctor said, cracking a smile. Curly looked down at his hands. "What room is Anya in? If you don't mind asking." Curly asked quietly. The nurse responded, "Room 25. And this is 24." After doing some basic checkups, and giving him some medicine for the pain, the doctor and the nurse left. Curly laid there, alone with his thoughts.
A few hours pass by, and unable to just sit and do nothing, Curly sneaks out of his room. He finds Anya sitting down in the lobby. The moon light shining on her in her hospital gown. She looked tired as usual, and mentally drained, but she still smiled faintly when she heard his voice. "Anya!" He cried out, limping towards her. She looks up at him and smiles with tears in her eyes. He wrapped his arms around her and cried. She held his head gently. "Anya... I-I I'm so sorry. I should have done something. You already had told me that you felt uncomfortable around him. I felt like I was losing my mind. I didn't know what to do. I'm so sorry that I made it seem like I didn't care. I care so much. I will do anything you want to gain your forgiveness. We don't have to ever talk again if that's what you wish. I'm so sorry, Anya." The words came out almost pleadingly, and rushed. He couldn’t hold back a sob. "Captain-... Curly. Our worst moments don't define us. I don't blame you for what happened, we were in the middle of space. But it will still take me a long time to heal. Thank you." Anya was always the more quiet kind. She didn't know how to respond. After several quiet minutes spoke quietly, "I lost the baby." Curly looks up at her, his eyes slightly wide. To not offend her, he asked honestly, "How do you feel?" Tears rolled down her face, as she stared at the ground. "Empty.”
In the morning, Curly and Anya met up with Daisuke and Swansea. It seemed they were recovering well. The crew all sat together in the lobby. It was surreal, everything felt so much lighter. Almost happy. "How are you guys doing? What do you plan on doing after this?" Curly asked. Daisuke's face lights up, "That was totally crazy! I'm happy we survived. I can't wait to see my mom." Swansea pops in, "Heh, It will be nice to be with my family again. No more pony express. I get to be a retired lazy old man!" Swansea chuckles. Anya and Curly look at each other smiling. It felt like a dream.
A few days went by, and the crew slowly recovered. Everyone was released from the hospital once they were fully recovered. Getting back from the hospital was refreshing. The sterile white rooms grew to be nauseating. He could finally go home. Curly pulled up to his home, the sight of his big white house with blue shutters made him smile. That company never cared. Some random astronomers were the ones who cared enough to save them. He was free from that stupid job. He hated being glorified, he soon realized. Curly felt like a monster after everything that had happened. His loving pet guinea pig was waiting for him in his bedroom. Curly’s mother would take care of her every day while Curly was gone. Whenever anyone visits, they are surprised that he has such a small creature when he's such a big guy. Almost every time someone says the classic "Wow. I thought you would have a dog of some sort, captain." He sighed and flopped on the bed but gently held Daphne. He felt so relieved to be home, after all this time. But every time he tried to close his eyes, he would see Anya's crying face
sooo this is my first fan fic ever that im gonna actually commit to😭 plz be patient. also, im gonna try to write the miscarriage plot as realistic as possible. i have had multiple friends and family that have suffered from miscarriages
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bamsywrites · 2 months ago
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And Comes Dawn pt ii
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pairing: halbrand/sauron x reader; there will be two love triangles in the future
Word Count: 2.3k
Summary: In all beings, there exists darkness. when the deciver finds one who seems to defy this, he becomes obsessed with finding it within her. and if he can't find it, he will ruin her himself.
Tag: dark romance, slow burn, sauron is Stressed™️ , sauron is so horny he contemplates murder, minor sex mention, idk what else to tag or warn
Notes: 24 hours later I already have part 2 done. I was going to have up until galadriel joins the raft for part 2 but I have a lot of ideas so I'm splitting them up. I am also stretching the time during season 1, like instead of being a couple months it's gonna be about a year because it's my fic and I can do that. Saurons pov is all over the place bc he is all over the place and yeah. Feed back always welcome and lemme know if you wanna be tagged. Oh and everything was still done on my phone so sorry if it's weird.
Series Masterlist
It was all a blur for you. You were woken from sleep by the creature attacking the ship and in the flurry of rushing water, screams, and the sound of breaking wood. You had found a pair of arms around your waist. You held your breath and clamped your eyes shut, if you were to die you didn't want your last memory on this Earth to be of the ship's wreckage and the corpses of your traveling companions floating under the water. These fears disappeared as you broke to the surface of the sea with the arms around your waist still holding you securely. You gasped and filled your lungs with air, wet hair obstructing your view, but you could see the familiar face of your savior.
“Halbrand?” You coughed.
He hummed a response, and you could feel the sound reverberate in his chest. It was comforting, the feeling of his strong arms and solid chest. Despite the cold of the waters, his body was abnormally warm, and you found yourself pressing into him for more of that heat.
“There's a raft not far. I think there's another survivor or two aboard it.” He spoke, securing one arm tightly around your body as he used his other to move through the water.
You squinted and could see what you suspected to be the raft he spoke of, but it was rather far for him to swim carrying you “I can swim. I do not wish you to have to carry me all that way through the water.”
“No,” he responded firmly. “There is some terrible beast who just destroyed our ship. I will not allow you to go out on your own in the water.”
“But then we could both die if it finds us.”
Halbrand looked down at you, looking into your eyes as he spoke. “In that case, my conscience will be clear because I will be dead. I can already see the arguments forming on your tongue, and the answer is still no.”
He gave you a pointed look at which you nodded, “Thank you. Now hold on, sweet one.”
You wrapped your arms around his waist, closing your eyes. This has been quite the journey for you. You missed home, but you longed for a new start, a new place where your family's reputation didn't loom over you, and you weren't regarded with suspicion at every turn. You couldn't allow yourself to think this was it, that you'd die like this at the sea. You'd been through too much.
You didn't know if it had been 15 minutes or 3 hours when you heard a voice call out your name from the raft, the woman who'd slept across from you. You had only introduced yourselves and not talked much at all, but it was still a familiar voice.
“Here, help her up,” Halbrand called to one of the men as he hoisted you as best he could on to the raft. “There you go, sweet one.”
You pulled yourself up on the raft, and almost instantly, you found yourself falling asleep on the wood. Exhaustion took you after the adrenaline drop of finally being out of the water. You were swept into sleeps embrace as the sun began to peak over the horizon.
~
You awoke, rubbing the sleep out from your eyes and looking around you. The horrors of that night replayed in your mind, but then you remembered Halbrand. You sat up and noticed that the raft was considerably larger, different pieces of driftwood tied together, and makeshift sails set up. There were also more survivors than last night, but it was a considerably small amount. Your eyes roamed the passengers, but you couldn't find the one you sought.
“Your awareness of your surroundings is incredibly lacking.”
You startled at the sound of his deep voice, causing him to chuckle. He had been lying down and sat up as you turned to look at him. “Glad you woke, sweet one. If you'd slept much longer, I'm sure they'd try to add you to our rations.”
“There's rations?” You asked eagerly, unable to ignore the emptiness in your belly.
Halbrand nodded, “There is. He”- he motioned to an older man on the other side of the raft - “didn't want to give you any because you were sleeping, but I was able to do some convincing.” He handed you a chunk of bread and a small portion of dried meat.
You gave him your thanks, and as you grabbed it, you noticed his knuckles were bloodied. A quick glance at the old man, who you now noticed was sporting a bruise and a few cuts under his eye, gave you the answers you needed.
“Tell me you didn't strike an old man for this?”
He sighed, rolling his eyes and pushing the bread and meat further into your chest. “If I tell you he fell upon my fist, will you eat it? How I came about this matters not. What matters is you will not last if you do not eat.”
You sighed, feeling guilty but taking a bit nonetheless. The feeling of the bread and dried meat hitting your barren stomach was enough to make you moan softly. Halbrand chuckled, watching you and leaning against one of the makeshift masts.
“Thank you. For the food and for saving me. I don't know how to express my gratitude for all you've done for me,” you swallowed and wet your lips. “Though I must admit I'm greatly confused as to why.”
You looked over at him, brow furrowed as you awaited an answer.
“Because you are fair of face. I can not imagine the despair I'd fall into if I was stuck on a raft with nothing but them to look at,” he motioned to other inhabitants, “it would be quite bleak indeed.”
You couldn't help the blush that formed on the bridge of your nose and traveled across your cheeks. Despite this, you still shook your head. “There is no need to be rude or dishonest. I simply ask for the truth.”
“I admit that was rude, but it was anything but dishonest. You are beautiful, and I quite like looking at you,” his eyes noticed your blush, and it caused him to smirk - if only he knew of the butterflies forming in your stomach at his affirmation.
“Though,” he continued, “you are right. That is not the reason I saved you. It's only an added benefit. When I met you on the ship, there had been many that had complained that there was not enough notice. That I would deplete the rations and that they would have to recalculate everything. But you brought me extra soup, and it wasn't a small portion either. You brought it because you knew I had been on my own and assumed I'd been without food. You had no selfish intention. You were simply kind to a stranger because you felt it was the right thing to do. There is not enough of that in the world, and humanity can not bear to lose someone like you who is kind and good for no other purpose than that it is right.”
“Oh,” your voice was small, and your entire face burned bright red at his compliments.
“I would tell you more, but I'm afraid if I do, you may burst into flames.”
~
The waves rocked the raft gently, the previous night it had lulled you into a nice, deep sleep but there's only so much to do on a raft in the middle of nowhere and you had spent the majority of that time asleep. Your eyes watched the stars, feeling lucky that the sky was full of them and that the moon shone bright. The thought of endless darkness, especially knowing what was out there hunting in the ocean depths, was a terrifying thought. The sound of the others snores mixed with the sounds of the waves.
There was only one other who was still awake. Halbrand was busy tightening the ropes to secure the pieces of the raft together. You had noticed he did not sleep much. You had been on the raft for 3 nights and two days, and most of that time was spent with him. Though there wasn't much conversation, you seemed to be the only one on the raft he wasn't annoyed with. You caught him looking at you at times, which made you think he really did mean what he said on that first day.
“Still looking for hope in the stars, sweet one?” Halbrand teased with a smirk as he walked to where she sat and sat down next to her so close that their legs touched.
“Have you forgotten my name? You seem to only refer to me as ‘sweet one’.” You asked, tearing your eyes from the stars to look at him.
He rolled his eyes, your name rolling from his tongue. “Do you not like my nickname?”
“It is fine. I was just curious, and I wasn't quite sure why.” You looked up at him as you awaited his answer.
“Because you're sweet. Hence, sweet one.”
You laughed softly, shaking your head. “You're quite the flirt, Halbrand.”
“Only with you, sweet one.” He playfully pushed his shoulder into yours, and he sat there with you, looking up at the stars.
You enjoyed the moment. The heat from his body and the solid feeling of him next to you brought contentment. You wondered if it was meaningless flirtations or if he could mean all of it. You pushed those thoughts to the back of your mind. You were stranded on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Any romantic feelings you may be growing for him were unimportant in the face of that fact.
You looked over at him, and your eyes trailed down to the relic that hung from his neck. You'd noticed it before but had never thought to ask about it. Your fingers gently reached for it so you could get a better look.
“What is this?” You tilted your head, holding it in your palm.
“Have you seen it before?” His voice was soft, but his brown eyes watched your face intently.
You shook your head in answer.
“It's the heraldry of my family. I only asked if you'd seen it because it has been almost an age since we used it. I can't imagine any family in the Southlands has used heraldry in some time.”
You turned it over in your palm, examining it further. “Why do you carry it?”
He wet his lips, gently taking it from your fingers and looking at it himself. “It's a reminder, a grim one, that our fates are never certain and that fortune can change for anyone. We've seen that here,” he motioned around them.
“Is it a grim reminder? I find it quite hopeful. No matter what, nothing is certain, and nothing lasts forever. There may be evil, and there may be terribly dark times, but those times do not last forever. There is also good. Also times of wonder and prosperity.”
He laughed, smiling as he looked at you. “Of course, that is what you would say. Ever the light and so full of hope.”
~
It was not long after this that you had fallen asleep. He still sat next to you awake as ever. His mind reeling and racing with millions of thoughts, the conflict within him felt as though it would rip right through him. He wanted control and order. It was the only way in which this world could know peace. He also wanted revenge on Adar, on the orcs who attempted to kill him.
But he remembered Morgoth. He remembered his former master and the chase for power that ended in his utter destruction. Even before then, Morgoth had become enslaved to the power he held and the power he craved. That was a fate that Sauron did not wish to share. He did not want to lose control for the sake of power, but he would never be quenched without having power. He could not have both.
Then there was you. He had not expected you, and he was finding himself enthralled with you. He could not understand you or the effect you had on him. A human, of all creatures, making him question all he knew to be true. He had not lusted for the pleasures of the flesh in thousands upon thousands of years and it was never for a human but when your eyes gazed up at him through your lashes or when he saw the smile stretch across your lips and the dimples that followed, it made it impossible not to imagine how those same eyes would look gazing up at him as you kneel at his feet or how those lips would look parted in ecstasy. His thoughts were plagued with the idea of taking you, tasting you, and utterly corrupting you.
It was all incredibly inconvenient.
This wasn't part of the plan and if it was just lust that plagued him, perhaps he could drown you and be done with it but the infatuation with understanding you and your motives and how you became this way stopped his hand. And the damn warmth that radiated from you that reminded him of the home he could never return to. With you curled into his side, he could close his eyes and imagine a time before he was corrupted. It made him wonder if he truly was past all redemption.
When those thoughts dared make themselves known, he'd imagine you looking up at him with tears streaming down your cheeks and his cock shoved down your throat.
His eyes drifted toward the water. It wouldn't be hard. He's so much stronger than you. He could handle any resistance as he pushed you under the waves, and then his mind would be free of those thoughts. But then he looked at you, and a million unanswered questions filled his mind. He knew if he killed you, they would remain unanswered and would plague him forever.
He cursed under his breath and watched as you slept. The choir of a million thoughts did not stop, and he briefly wondered if you would be his undoing.
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inheritedbelly · 2 months ago
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Exchange Agreement
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Waking up in my uncle's body had always been an unpleasant experience, but the first time was a shock I’ll never forget. As soon as I opened my eyes, I was immediately greeted by a sight that made all the white hairs I now possessed stand on end. I blinked a few times to process that the enormous stomach of my uncle was now stuck where my once beautifully defined abs had been. It was there, sitting on me like a watermelon. It took a few seconds to grasp the reality, until I stumbled out of bed with difficulty. I was now heavy and bloated, struggling to move with the agility I once had.Still a bit dizzy, I followed the sound of what seemed to be my old voice shouting in my uncle's bathroom. As soon as I arrived, I saw my body feeling up my chest in disbelief, with an expression of curiosity. The moment our eyes met, the shock was mutual, and we stood there, wide-eyed, staring at each other.
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After a few occasional swaps, we discovered that, for some inexplicable reason, we could switch bodies for 24 hours whenever either of us wanted, and for some reason, this only worked between the two of us. It was a full 24 hours. In the beginning, the swaps happened more often on my uncle's side, of course, since I didn’t like being a hairy, overweight man. He seemed to find the idea of being a handsome young guy like me fascinating, as if he had been given a temporary ticket back to youth.
Waking up occasionally in my uncle's body became a recurring nightmare. I remember moments when I would simply open my eyes after a nap, and there I was, lying in his bed in just his underwear, with my hand resting on his belly. It was disgusting.
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The worst of all, of course, was going to the bathroom. Peeing with my uncle's body was terrible. Not to mention the bath. I never thought I would have to see this man naked so many times a day. As the exchanges only ended after 24 hours, I had to face many more intimate moments. I was once aroused by my uncle's body, it was so embarrassing... But what could I do? I think that so much friction between my flesh ended up making me hard. I confess that I have admired myself naked on my uncle's body in front of a mirror and I'm not proud of it... It was more out of curiosity than for other reasons
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And his job… exhausting. I spent the entire day with his huge butt planted on a tractor, following the instructions he had given me. Even while sitting, that body sweated like it was running a marathon. There was no way to wear the same clothes two days in a row.
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Over time, my uncle seemed to lose his enthusiasm. I think he realized how the swaps were affecting me and that my life wasn’t as glamorous as he had imagined. And honestly, I couldn’t stand being old anymore. Months passed, and I was never taken out of my body again, until a party was announced at my college, and my uncle, in one last burst of youthful curiosity, insisted it would be a good farewell to my body. He promised it would be the last swap, and it was… but not in the way I wanted. I gave in. I also needed a break from the loud college parties and decided to stay home, watching TV while stuffing myself with something.
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The swap was done, and here I was again, in my uncle’s heavy body. I got out of bed, feeling the familiar weight press down on my legs as I sat up, letting out a long sigh. It had been so long that I’d almost forgotten the feeling. I went to the bathroom. "Hello again, big guy," I said to my reflection in the mirror, patting my belly with a hint of nostalgia that I didn’t like to admit. But as the day went on, I remembered all the reasons I hated being in this body.
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When night finally came, I threw myself onto the bed, sighing heavily. I just wanted those 24 hours to end quickly. I was already anxious to return to my body, to my normal life, and never be this guy again. But then, just as I was falling asleep, a phone call woke me up. It was my dad, calling my uncle—meaning me. When I answered, I got the worst news of my life. There had been a car accident. My body, my real body, had died. The despair hit me like a punch in the gut. I was trapped, forever, in the body that had once been a temporary experience. Something that had even been fun for my uncle. Now, it was my new reality, my new life. My young body, my entire life, had been wasted. Now all I had was my uncle's body. The reflection in the mirror of someone who wasn’t me. But now it was the body I would have for the rest of my life.I felt the death of my oncle, but we mostly fougrt more than anything elso, and now, in a way, i was condemned to see his reflection forever and to adopt his life as my own. It was his name they would call me by from now on…
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Years have passed since that fateful day, and here I am, living a life I never chose, but one that now seems to fit perfectly. I took on my uncle’s identity, and while I left my old job behind, I found a new home as a mechanic. I spend my days in a workshop, fixing motorcycles and cars, always with my belly sticking out, exposed to the heat and dirt. I learned to smoke and drink like my uncle, adopting his habits and even his way of speaking. The curious thing is that over time, I began to realize that those moments when I felt excited in his body were actually reflections of a deeper desire to be like him. Now, sitting in a plastic chair, waiting for a new customer, I rest my hand on my sweaty belly, a symbol of my new life. I can't deny that, strangely, it's not so bad after all. This body that once felt foreign to me is now part of me, and in a way, I've found a peace I never imagined I would have.
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imaginaryf1shots · 2 months ago
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Homesick | Fernando Alonso
WC: 1.9K
Fernando x GF! Reader
Summery:(REQUESTED) "you make me feel like I'm home again."
Warning: Homesickness?
Masterlist
Fernando Masterlist
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Fernando is over this, he’s really over this. It’s been three weeks since he left his home and has been travelling around the world. He’s been doing it for years, and it never bothered him, but he now just wants to go home. He’s never missed home this much, it’s strange the way homesickness just crept up on him, looming over him like a shadow that was never there before. Nothing could distract him, not the meetings, not the travelling and not the training. And the more time that went by the emptier he felt.
Waking up in his bed, feeling the warmths of the sun from his balcony, the sound of you humming while you cook. It’s like these tiny, insignificant details have taken on a life of their own, demanding his attention, clawing at his chest whenever he thinks about them. 
The bustling energy of the Mexico paddock thrummed around Fernando as he made his way to the motorhome. His face was unreadable under his dark sunglasses, masking the exhaustion that had been slowly eating away at him for weeks. The last leg of the triple-header was always the hardest, three races in three different countries, back-to-back, with no time to breathe in between. 
The fans outside cheered loudly, calling his name in a sea of voices, but he barely registered it. His body was moving on autopilot, his mind locked in the cycle of race preparation, debriefs, and media obligations. All things he wasn’t looking forward to. His mind is far away, he tried to call you today, but got no answer, you've been quiet the last 24 hours. And Fernando gave himself a few more hours before he’d call someone to go check on you in your shared home. Being away and not knowing what’s going on at home always affected him.
Fernando hasn’t been able to see you in weeks.
It was hard to believe how much he missed you. Racing had always been his life, his passion, his reason for pushing himself to the limit. But lately, something has shifted. The long stretches of travel felt lonelier, the hotel rooms colder. And even though he was surrounded by his team, there was a hollowness in it all. 
Fernando ducked into the motorhome, pulling off his sunglasses and rubbing his eyes. He hadn’t realised how tired he was until that very moment. Getting in his room, he leans against the door, he closes his eyes for a second, allowing himself just a brief respite.
Then, something caught his attention. A presence, familiar and unmistakable. 
“Fernando?”
His eyes flew open, and there you were. Standing by the sofa, looking at him with a soft smile that sent a jolt of warmth through his chest. He blinked, half convinced he was imagining it. 
“Am I dreaming?” He asked, his voice rough from the day. 
You laughed gently and stepped forward, the sound like music in his ears. 
“Not unless this is some very specific dream.” You teased him. “I wanted to surprise you.”
For a moment, all he could do was stare. The fatigue he had carried for weeks seemed to evaporate, replaced by a rush of relief and joy so overwhelming, he almost couldn’t process it. Without thinking, he crossed the space between you and pulled you into his arms, holding you tightly, as if letting go would break the illusion.
“I can’t believe you’re here.” He murmured into your hair. The tension in his muscles melted away as he breathed you in, his mind quieting for the first time in what felt like forever. “You don’t know how much I needed this.”
“I thought you could use some company.” You said softly, your arms wrapping around his waist. “It’s been a while.”
Fernando nodded against you, not trusting himself to speak. The silence between you was comfortable, full of the words you didn’t need to say. Being in your arms was like slipping back into a part of himself he’d been missing, something that made him feel whole.
After a few moments, you pulled back slightly, just enough to look up at him. “You okay? You seem… tired.”
“Tired doesn’t even begin to cover it.” He admitted, his thumb tracing the back of your hand absently. “It’s been a long couple of weeks.”
“I figured as much, you didn’t sound alright the last few times we talked.” You said, eyes soft with understanding. “That’s why I’m here. Thought you could use a little distraction.”
“You’re more than a distraction.” He murmured, his lips tugged into the smallest of smiles, the first real one he’d had in days. “You’re my escape.”
“Are you done for the day?” You asked him, and Fernando nodded, you smiled. “Come on then. Let’s get you out of here for a bit.”
Fernando laces your hands and barely lets go of you until you reach his hotel room. The journey to the hotel is spent in mostly silence.
Once you reached the hotel and slipped inside, heading up to his room. The moment the door closed behind you, the world outside seemed to fall away. Fernando let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. 
“You don’t have to do anything else today, right?” You asked, turning to face him.
“Nothing important. I just want to be here with you.”
You smiled, walking over to him and gently wrapping your arms around him, Fernando returned the hug. And you just stand there for god knows how long, just holding each other, basking in the other’s presence.
Your bag was already in Fernando’s room. So you both just change into casual clothes before you’re both in bed, facing each other, as the sun sets, the orange glow coming in from the open windows.
“You’ve been keeping up with everything?” Fernando asked, his hand in his.
“I’ve been trying to, but it’s hard to catch all the races when I’m not there.” You admitted with a small grin. “I do miss being with you, though.”
“I miss you, too.” He said quietly. “More than you know, you always know what I need,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “I don’t know how you do it.”
“Because I know you.” You said softly. “And I’m here now. You don’t have to go through it alone.”
Fernando closed his eyes, a peaceful silence settling between you. The weight of the season, of all the travelling and endless racing, faded into the background as he held you close. And for the first time in weeks, he felt like he could finally breathe again.
The room was dark and quiet, the only sound was the soft rustle of sheets as Fernando shifted slightly to pull you closer. You were tucked into his side, your head resting on his chest, his arm wrapped securely around you. The feeling of your body against his was a balm, soothing the tension that had coiled tight in his muscles for weeks.
But despite the peace of the moment, Fernando couldn’t shake the weight that still pressed on him, the thoughts that had been lingering in the back of his mind for so long now beginning to rise to the surface.
“You’ve been quiet.” You said softly, breaking the silence, your voice was gentle, concerned. “I know something’s been bothering you.”
Fernando’s fingers traced absent circles on your back, his gaze focused on the ceiling above you. He didn’t know where to start. How could he explain everything that had been gnawing at him? 
“I didn’t realise how hard it would be this season.” He admitted quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’ve always been used to the grind. The travel, the races, it’s what I’ve done my whole life. But this year, it’s different. It feels… heavier.”
You stayed silent, giving him the space to continue. Fernando hesitated for a moment, then sighed, the words finally spilling out.
“Every race, every weekend, it’s like I’m just… going through the motions. I’m doing what I’m supposed to, but it doesn’t feel the same. The passion, the excitement, it’s still there, but it’s not enough to drown out everything else. I’m tired. And without you there, it’s been even harder.”
His voice faltered for a second, the vulnerability of the admission sinking in. It wasn’t like him to talk about this, to admit when things were weighing on him. He was always the one in control, the one who pushed through without complaint. But this? This was different.
“I’ve been trying to keep it together.” He continued. “For the team, for myself. But I can feel it wearing me down. And when you’re not with me… I don’t know. It’s like something’s missing. You keep me grounded. You always have.”
You shifted in his arms, looking up at him with soft, understanding eyes. “Nando… I had no idea it was this bad. Why didn’t you say something?”
He let out a small, dry laugh. “What was I supposed to say? That I’m getting worn out? That after all these years, I’m starting to feel the toll of it all? It’s not something I’m used to admitting.”
“You don’t have to go through it alone.” You said quietly, your hand reaching up to gently cup his cheek. “I know you’re strong, but you don’t have to be strong all the time. Not with me.”
He closed his eyes at your touch, leaning into it as if the warmth of your hand could somehow ease the ache inside him. 
“I know.” He whispered. “But I didn’t want to worry you. You’ve got your own life, your own things to deal with. I didn’t want to drag you into this.”
“Fernando.” You said softly, your thumb brushing against his skin. “I’m already in this. I’ve always been in this with you, whether I’m there physically or not. You don’t have to carry it all by yourself.”
He opened his eyes, meeting your gaze, and for the first time in a long while, he felt something shift inside him. The walls he’d built around himself, the ones he used to keep his emotions at bay, began to crack.
“I didn’t realise how much I needed you until you weren’t there.” He admitted, his voice barely a whisper. “I thought I could handle it. But it’s been harder than I expected.”
You shifted closer, your forehead resting against his. 
“I’m here now.” You murmured. “And I’m not going anywhere.”
For a long moment, neither of you spoke. You simply lay there, wrapped in each other’s arms. Finally, Fernando let out a long, slow breath, the weight on his chest lifting just slightly. 
“You make me feel like I’m home again.” He whispered, the words coming out before he could stop them. It was a confession, raw and honest, a glimpse into the depth of his feelings.
You smiled softly, your hand tracing down his arm. 
“Because you are home.” You whispered back. “Wherever we are, as long as we’re together, you’ll always have a home.”
He didn’t say anything in response, but his heart swelled at your words, a warmth spreading through him that he hadn’t felt in so long. 
For the first time in what felt like weeks, he let himself truly relax, sinking deeper into the bed, into your embrace. The exhaustion that had been dogging him for so long finally began to ebb away, replaced by a quiet peace he hadn’t known he was missing.
And for the first time in a long time, Fernando Alonso felt at home.
Main Taglist:
@gnatthefly . @mochimommy2002 . @llando4norris . @mrswolffs-blog . @barcelonaloverf1life . @c-losur3 . @xoscar03 . @schniti-is-in-the-house . @lottalove4evelyn . @eywas-heir . @glow-ish . @lilypat . @directioner5life .
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notlhecxzsa · 4 months ago
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Hidden Love - Scarlett Johansson
Warnings: Very very angsty (only in the start), very mean Scarlett (she gets better, I promise! little miss doesn't know how to handle her feelings ≧⁠▽⁠≦), death, very sad reader, almost drowning
Sum: How can a cold hearted CEO handle her newfound feelings towards one of her employees? Will it be wonderful or a disaster? (This is 8889 words, oh god)
CEO!Scarlett JohanssonXFem!Reader
°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°
Y/n's POV:
"Don't worry, Ma. I'll try to send you more money than usual, just rest and do what the doctor's says, okay?" I said on the phone with gentle voice to my mother.
I only have my mother, and unfortunately, she was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. I never knew my dad, and i didn't really grew up having everything i want, and well, need. My mother needed to work 24 hours, and only having a payment that is good for our 2 days food, but she's so strong and determined, that even that's our life situation, i managed to finish my school.
Now, im working, trying to work hard enough to have enough money to take my mother in a chemotherapy, i've been actually saving up for it, and for her operation, which is not really doing well.
She has so many supplements needed that is already half of my payment, and i still have so many bills to pay, from my rent payment, to my electric and water bills, same goes to the house of my mother that she currently lives in right now.
I'm working at J.Corp, short term for, Johansson's Corporation, i work here from 6 in the morning, then to 7 in the evening, then after that, i have my shift to a convinient store from 8 in the evening, to 3 in the morning. Sometimes i don't really eat in order to save enough money, because i really want my mother to go to therapy already.
She's all i have left, and what more could i lose if i lost her too?
"Don't worry about me, darling. I promise you, i will be just fine. Don't forget to eat, okay? Take care of yourself." She said her voice lacing with the comfort that i missed everyday.
"Yes, i know Ma. I'll try to go there when i have enough money-" I was cut off when the voice of my boss rang through the air from the intercom.
"Y/l/n."
I rolled my eyes before bidding my goodbye to my mother, telling her that I'll just call her back later.
Ughh, what does she needs right now?
It's already break time, that means no work. I only hope she's just calling me right now for another free food, because if not, hell will lose.
My work here in this company has ups and down, well, the downs are mostly caused by my very own boss, Scarlett Johansson. I don't know what i did to that woman, because there's not a day where she wouldn't yell at me for completely nothing, or just gives me tons of works, that i know, is supposed to be for the others to work on.
The ups are because of my friends, well, sometimes, it's caused by Ms. Johansson too though. She's just so random sometimes, like in first, she would act all devil to me as if i did something very horrible to her, then the next, she's inviting me to have a lunch with her, sometimes dinner in a very expensive restaurants, which is im very grateful for, but it's all just confusing.
I mean, why me of all people that is on this building, that is probably much more worth her time?
She always manages to get in my nerves, but in all those bad things she does to me, i can't helo but catch feelings for the woman because of every little kind things and gestures she do to me, which i probably found weird, like...she's always mean to me and all, but i mean...she's beautiful, and sometimes can be such a gentlewoman, that so many people here has a crush on her.
But, i always just take those feelings and thoughts aside. Because, well, she always -not just being mean to me- but sometimes, she get on my nerves that it hurts my feelings already, but all i did is to listen to her hurtful words towards me, while wondering what i did wrong.
It's just all exhausting and very rude of her, that sometimes i just find myself crying in the dark while walking to the convinient store. I already have so many problems, and she still adds up, confusing me and hurting me mentally, and it just gets all to much.
But, even if i want to quit already, i can't. This work is what gives me money to survive and help my mother, ofcourse i wouldn't waste it even if i have to go through hell in the process.
"Come in." I heard her say from the other side of the door.
"Yes, Ms. Johansson?" I asked while looking at her, standing just beside the door.
She looked up at me with a stone cold face, she looked at me up and down, almost looking like she's judging every part of like that made me shrink on where i am standing.
I just only hope for one thing, for her to not yell and shout at me, because dude, i am not really having a very good day. I still haven't eaten breakfast, or even lunch, and it's now dinner time, and im trying so hard not to feel weak because i still my have my shift in the convinient store. Then my mom, and...just all.
The payments of the bills will be coming next week, along with my mother's, and thank god, my payment here will be given to me tommorow. That's why i didn't eat, i will just buy more food tommorow.
"Did you already eat?" She asked.
This is what im talking about the small kind gestures of hers, that i don't even know she do with everyone here in the company, or it's just me.
"I-i uhh- i still didn't, Ms. Johansson." I said with my head hung down. I heard her stand up abruptly, then i heard papers scattering around.
"Did you ate lunch?" I shook my head. "Breakfast?" I shook my head.
"Oh come on, for fuck sake, Y/n! We've already talked about this, didn't we? Don't act like a child wanting to be reminded on when to eat, because none of us here want your burden. We can't just have you collapsing out of nowhere because you didn't ate like last time."
And this is what i said about her, being mean and rude and evil and bad, and just all the worse things you can think of.
"I - im sorry, Ms. Johansson..." I heard her click her tounge, before her footsteps walked near me.
"Come with me, let's eat dinner together." I heard her say, before completely walking past me.
"But, Ms. Johansson, i still have a lot of paperworks to do-" I was cut off by her.
"Shut up and just follow me, Y/n." She said with her usual cold tone.
I sighed defeatedly before running after her, stopping at my desk and quickly getting my back. I just followed her like a puppy until we're in her car, and being the 'gentlewoman' that she is, she opened the door for me.
What she said earlier was true, i blacked out because of hunger and stress, but i just told her that i was so busy, because well, im too shy to tell her my life condition, i don't want her judging me when she's always doing it everyday, i can't handle it anymore if she used my life situation to say mean things to me.
I stayed silent the whole drive, fiddling with my fingers as i did so, and occasionally glancing at her. Her jaw are tensed, all of her are tensed. I always try to act all brave, but in inside, i get scared of her sometimes, that i caught myself flinching at the small sounds that i would hear everywhere.
The dinner, well it was silent too, but speaking of the little gestures she do to me, she did what she usually does, cutting the hard pieces of food for me, and literally flooding the table and my plate with tons of foods.
"Your work time is already over, I'll get you home." She said as she started the car.
"Oh- uhm, actually, can you drop me off at the convinient store but the street after your building?" I asked and she looked at me, frowning.
"You're still working there?" She spat out, making me look down, avoiding her burning gaze. "Didn't i told you to quit working there already? You're living all by yourself, you didn't need to work there too, to survive for the living..."
I do, Scarlett. Unfortunately, i fucking do.
"No wonder why you always pass me late paperworks." She said, and i can see in my peripheral vision that she's shaking her head.
All i wanna do is to cry as she drive the car. How can she say those things to me when she doesn't even know what and how my life is like?
"Thank you, for the dinner." I said once we stopped infront of the store.
"Just get out." She said without even sparing me a glance.
"Bye, drive safely." I muttered before getting out, once i was out, she drove almost instantly.
I felt tears brimmed out of my eyes, but quickly wiped it and shook my head while taking a deep breaths.
It's okay. It's going to be okay.
~~~~~~~~~~
No one's POV:
"Bye, drive safely." Scarlett heard the soft tone of the woman she loves for 3 years.
It's hard to love Y/n in the dark, and be a devil when she's infront of the woman as if she didn't fantasize about Y/n walking down the aisle as she waited on the altar, or having a multiple kids with the younger girl and just living the best life with her.
"Just get out." Scarlett internally cringed and cursed herself for sounding so mean.
Every mean words that would come out of her mouth to Y/n's ear, she would immediately feel guilty and get completely mad at herself.
As much as she wants to be kind and apologize to the poor girl already, she can't just risk it. All of it. She scared and terrified that if ever they got more closed, then Scarlett might no be able to control herself and be all obsessed with Y/n. And she's too traumatized at her past relationship, that it gets in her head when she thinks of having Y/n as her girlfriend.
What if she got hurt again? Or what if she hurt the most genuine person she knows? The only woman who she truly love for all her life. As much as it's a very idiotic thing for her to do those things to the pure woman, she just can't help but do it.
Not that it makes her happy or anything in the latter, but it's most likely just her way of having Y/n's attention, because whenever she'd alone at her, she gets to have Y/n all for herself. She's just so stubborn to makes everything easy and better with her relationship with Y/n.
She knows she's being shit and all, and that anytime, she might lose her girl, but this is the only way she can think of to do, due to what she had been through her life, not just her past relationship.
She don't even have any idea why Y/n is still working for her. But, this time, with the help of her friend's -Lizzie's- words, she knows that this gotta stop soon. Which is her goal. She's just trying to find the courage, and the right words to say, and hoping that she will not gonna be too late for that.
She loved you from the moment you walked through her office door, she's just too scared to admit it to herself, and as days and months passed, she found herself being wrapped up around you finger.
She knows what she's doing is sometimes getting out of line, but due to her stress and on what she's been through, that's just kind of her things, which is not good, but she will surely change it, not just for herself, but especially for you, and you only.
"You gotta stop treating Y/n like that, she's the kindest person i know, and she doesn't deserve to be treated anything like that, Scarlett."
She still remembers Lizzie's words in her mind like it's tattooed there already. But, not to worry, she'll be asking for your forgiveness soon enough, and she'll do everything, even if she needs to get on her knees and kiss your feet.
All i well and peaceful as she sit on her desk chair, listing everyone who she will be paying for tommorow, and you're one of those people, she figured that maybe, this is gonna be a good timing to apologize to you, she can just order you to come to her penthouse that is on the top floor of this building and tell you that she'll give you the money there, then she'll apologize.
That's a good idea, right? Right.
A ding from her phone caught her attention, she immediately clicked the message of one of her men's, that she hired to watch over you. Yeah, she's too possessive like that.
Anger immediately rose inside her body, as the apologies she's planning to do faded in her mind like bubbles. It's a video of you, being held by a man she knows all to well. It's the man that is always hugging you from every video her men's sends her, who is also your co worker at the store.
She doesn't want to think things too fast, but she just can't help but thought of what's your connection with that man. She once asked you about your love life and you said you're single, but this man keeps making her think otherwise.
Anger, jealousy and all rose inside her body, until all of it filled her up completely.
Maybe she can just do the apologies in another day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Y/n's POV:
Today is the day im gonna have my payment.
After a whole breakdown last night at the store, i am feeling very well right now, thanks to my a good friend of mine, Max, he's a boy. He's very kind enough to comfort me and even walked me home, things like that are normal to us, plus, i would trust him with my life, not that because he's my friend, but because i know he won't take advantage of me or anything because he's very gay.
I'm now walking towards to Ms. Johansson's office, instantly warning at the lack of seeing people on the way. Usually, when it's the day of paying off, so many people would be scattering around her, but now? It's dead silence, only the sound of silent conversing, and the typing on keyboards. I was gonna knock on the door already, but i was stopped when Samantha called me out.
"Y/n! Hey! Ms. Johansson said you'll be receiving your payment up there." I frowned instantly.
"Are you guys have been payed already?" I asked, turning my whole body to her.
"Yeah, you didn't know? She sent us all a messages saying that we need to go here earlier than usual..." She explained unsurely.
"No...she didn't...." I trailed of on my words.
I bid Sam a goodbye and said that im gonna go upstairs. I quickly ran towards the elevator with my heart pounding in my chest.
What if she's gonna give me my last payment because she'll gonna fire me now?
Oh god, oh god, oh god-
I was brought out of my trance when the ding of the elevator rung out, i quickly walk towards inside, trying to find a trace of Ms. Johansson, while calling her name. I soon stopped when i saw her laying at a pool bench, sunbathing with just a a piece swimsuit.
I blushed and looked down, trying to avoid her smooth and bright skin.
"Ms. Johansson." I made my presence known, and in my peripheral vision, i felt her looked up, then stand up, there's a movements came from her but i didn't looked up.
"Ms. Y/l/n..." I can hear her voice that she has a smirk. "You can look up now." And i did, and saw her in a robe.
"Ms. Johansson, im here to take my payment." I said politely, giving her a tight small smile, but it was soon turn into a frown when i saw her face fell.
"Ooh, that....right. Well, actually, Ms. Y/l/n, you wouldn't be receiving anything." I frowned, as i felt my heart fell.
"W-what? Why? W-what did i do?" I stammered, my heart is now hammering in my chest.
"What did you do? Why don't you think about the days i always yelled at you for failing almost all of the paperwork i gave you? Did you forget about all that already?" She said with a sadistic tone.
I avoided her gaze, instead i gaze forwards, which is enough to not see her eyes, since she's a lot taller than me.
"No, i didn't, Ms. Johansson. But, as far as i can remember, i already made all my mistakes right. And...not all the time of you, calling me in your office, was because i did something wrong." I can't help but let out that harshly than i intended it to be.
I really need that money, and there's no way i will get out here without that.
"Oooh, getting too confident now, are we, Ms. Y/l/n?" She said with a teasing tone.
I can't help but feel humiliated in our current situation, and it makes me feel so small that all i want to do is to die or just jump right off of this building.
"Ms. Johansson, please, i really need the money. I will do everything you'll say, just please..." I pleaded, maybe being too confident and fighting back would just make her not give it to me.
"Anything?" She asked, and i nodded.
"Anything." I said, looking up at her. I saw a glint in her eyes, but it was soon faded.
"This is what you want, right?" She waved the stack of dollar in the air with her hand, and i nodded, before widening my eyes at the next action she made.
"Then get it." She said as she throw the money to the large swimming pool she has here.
I don't know how to swim, my body turned cold, but the desperation got the best of me.
Without that money, i will not have the chance to pay my bills. I need that. Most importantly, my mother needs that.
"What are you waiting for?" I flinch at her voice, looking back up at her with tears in my eyes.
I felt so little, like a slave, and so poorly humiliated. My heart aches at the thought of someone, treating me like this. I know that she is much up there than me who is literally living like a stray puppy, but she has no rights to do this to me.
She is so evil.
I saw how her eyes changed its look, it's like she got taken back about something, but before she can even utter i look back at the deep swimming pool, where all the dollars are floating.
I took a deep breath, before swallowing the lump on my throat. I walk fastly to the pool, then jump, with one thing on my mind.
This is for my mother.
I heard her voice called me out, but i didn't cared, and tried my best to get all of the money, while trying to gasp for air everytime i came to the surface, only to realize that im literally in the middle of the pool.
With every jump from the bottom, i realized that im at the very deep, my movements became frantic as i felt myself losing so much oxygen, while i kept hearing her muffled voice screaming my name worriedly.
I already drank the water, and some went through my nose, i was gonna reach out for another dollar when i felt a strong big arms wrapped itself around me, and the next thing i know, i was gasping for air while holding the wet money in my hands tightly.
I hope my asthma doesn't attack me right now.
"What the fuck, Y/n? Why the fuck did you do that? You could've died!" She yelled and i flinch while still gasping, and looked at the pool to see that there's still left, i was gonna jump again, but her strong masculine arms caught me.
"Hey! Stop! Stop!" She yelled, trapping me completely in her arms.
I couldn't take it anymore, my chest is burning, along with the pain im feeling right now. I sobbed, and cried hard not caring of what her reaction will be.
"H-hey.." Her voice sounded as if she was being strangled.
"Get off of me..." I breathed out, i want to vomit, maybe because of the amount of water i drunk and i felt it hard to breathe. "T-there's still more...i-i n-need to get that...my-my m-mom needs i-it..." I stammered, my tone is completely broken.
"P-please...i-i need to get it.." I thrashed around her arms, but then she hugged me, completely trapping me in her arms.
"Hey, hey, darling...it's okay, you don't have to get that...shhh, shhh, im sorry, i-im sorry..." Even me, i couldn't recognize her voice.
I stopped thrashing around, but still continue to gasp for air, my cries and sobs filled through the air. I felt so helpless, so poor, humiliated, and very desperate.
I looked down at the money in my arms, avoiding the sweet nothings she kept whispering in my ears. Her voice sounded soft, it tweaks, and sometimes it breaks, like she's crying.
"I-it's still n-not enough..." I said breathlessly. "Get off of me." I demanded weakly. "Please, stop making it all so hard for me...please...i just wanted my money...please...i can't- i cant do this anymore." I whispered brokenly, trying to push her death grip on me.
She kept muttering an apologies, then comforting words, but all i felt towards her is hatred, madness and all the worse things to feel.
We stayed like that until i calmed down. I'm still breathing unevenly, and i know im having my asthma. I'm shaking and all, with my lips quivering as i sob quietly. I don't know what's happening to her as she's holding me tightly, while whispering apologies to me.
Out of nowhere she picked me up ever so gently, while still whispering that it's all gonna be okay, and she's so so sorry. With all the things that had happened, i felt so weak, so weak that i can't even open my mouth because of exhaustion, im still gripping the money that is in my hand.
She went inside her penthouse while still carrying me, both of my hand is on my chest, clutching it together as i still feel my chest tightening, then the side of my head is on her shoulder.
I felt so weak.
My body is still shaking, and I don't know how to stop it.
I felt so cold, and i know that im going to be sick for days.
Why does Scarlett have to be mean to me?
My lips wobbled at my thoughts, as a strangled sob came out of it.
"Shhh, im sorry, im sorry....stop crying already, baby. It hurts my heart to see you cry..." I'm too exhausted to even manage to think what she just said as the next thing i know is she put me on the bathtub.
"N-no...i wanna go home..." I protested weakly, shaking my head as i look at up at her, to see her already looking up at me.
"No, you'll stay here, you'll stay here. It's okay, im sorry please, stay here...stay here for now, please....let me just take care of you, yeah?" She pleaded making me frown at her attitude, but i shook my head.
"N-no...t-the money, i need i-" I was cut off by her.
"The money will be fine, sweetheart. I'm your boss, you'll do as i said." She demanded with a soft tone. I didn't utter a word anymore, then look down.
"Can you give me that for a second, love?" She pointed at the money in my hand, i opened my hand and she took it then out it on the table beside the little table beside the bathtub, but not before kissing my head and saying 'good girl'. Then she took my face with her hands, looking at me with the most softest look she's given me.
"Don't worry about the money, okay?" She asked softly, and i nodded.
"But, i need it.." I said.
"I know, but don't worry about it for now, okay? Clean yourself first- do you need any help?" She asked and i shook my head.
"Okay, im just gonna be right outside the bathroom, okay? I'll get you some clothes and there's a brush and extra towels there, okay?" She pointed at the drawer under the sink.
"Just call me if you need anything, okay?" I nodded once again, and she smiled a little before kissing my head, leaving a lingering kiss there that felt so different.
She left and i started cleaning myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scarlett's POV:
As soon as i close the bathroom door, i sighed, leaning my head against it.
Why did i do that? Fuck.
Everything felt so wrong, my heart shattered into pieces as the earlier moments ran through my mind once again. Just thinking of how desperate she was earlier to get the money hurt me in the most impossible way, and the thought of her, almost dying because of what i did, is slowly killing me. The look on her face, fuck. It's all plastered in the back of my head, and the scenes kept playing without a stop.
An idea came into my mind, i quickly get her some clothes first, which is probably gonna be too big for her, i put it outside the bathroom door, on the table beside it. Then, i quickly pulled out my phone, dialing Wanda, not before walking far away enough from the bathroom.
"Hey, Lizzie?" I asked.
"Hey, Scar. What's up?" She asked.
"I need you to do me a favor." I said, then get straight to the point.
I told her to do a background check on Y/n's personal life, and do everything to see what my girl's life is really like. Then i told her what had happened, which she scolded me for. I told her my plan on getting Y/n and then after that, she made me promised to not to do something bad to Y/n again, or she said, she'll steal the girl from me, which made me a little aggressive, and cursed her through the phone, then we said goodbye.
After the phone call, i felt presence behind me, making me look around and saw Y/n standing there, looking so adorable and pretty as ever. My clothes is so big for her, but it makes my heart melt at the sight. Though, my heart still aches because she wouldn't even look at me straight in the eyes.
"I- uh, im gonna take my money now, then go home." Her voice is raspy, i quickly made a move walking to the kitchen then getting a glass of water.
"Come here, please." I said softly, while pouring a water in the glass.
She looked at me for a second, and when she caught me staring at her she quickly looked down, before hesitantly walking towards the kitchen countertop.
"Take a seat." I said with soft voice.
Now's my only chance, well, if i still have.
I slide the glass towards her and told her to drink it, which she did, almost downing it in just a 10 seconds. I watch her every movements with longing eyes, as my heart shatter on how afraid she seemed infront of me. It took me everything in my power to not to let my tears fall of.
I knew, by the moment and scenes we had earlier, i knew i already went beyond the line, and i will stop it right here. No procrastinations anymore. I walked towards her and stop by here side until im just a few inches from her. My arms are aching to be wrapped around her, while i beg for forgiveness, which i know i don't deserve, but i can still try, right?
I saw how she became tensed, but still continue on infront of her at a black space. I see her hands that is on the table shaking a little, which breaks my heart a little more, and i see her chest heaved as she breath.
"Y/n..." I called out softly, with my voice slightly wavering. "Can you look at me, hun? Please?" I asked, as i raised my hands to touch her cheeks, but quickly stopped when i saw her flinch and shielded her hands infront of her face.
I can hear my heart shattering into pieces, goosebumps started to form on my skin. I couldn't help and stop the tears that brimmed out of my eyes as i look down at her.
"P-please...i just wanna go home with my money..." She whispered so brokenly.
"Y/n...." I breathed out, but she put her hands down while shaking her head, now looking at me.
"P-please, j-just give me my money, and I'll quit, y-you won't see me anymore, just please, let me go in peace. I can't take what you're doing to me anymore....i promise, I'll quit." She rambled, and my heart stopped at the words she said.
"You can hurt me all you want if that's what will get you to give me my money, do anything- everything you want, yell at me, hurt me, slap me, i-i don't care, just give me my money, please, my- my mother needs it..." She pleaded, with her hands clasped and her eyes full of tears while looking up at me.
Tears are now streaming down on my face, the look she's giving me now, and along with the words she's saying is breaking me apart.
"Stop saying those things, i-i would never hurt you, okay?" I demanded, my voice getting hard.
Why would she thought im gonna hurt her? I would never dare or even think about laying a finger on her.
Am i that bad to her, for her to think this way?
"...and i will never gonna shout at you again, okay?..." My hands seems to have their own mind as it unconsciously went to her soft cheeks, caressing it as soon as they landed on the soft skin. "I'm sorry, im really sorry, not just for the things that i did today, but for all the things i did to you. I-i i never meant any mean words that i told you, it's very hard to explain it right now, but i promise you, there's something behind those things on why i treated you like that. Just please, don't leave, okay? Don't quit on me, please...." I pleaded looking down at her as my thumb continued on caressing her cheeks.
She looked down, and let out a sob.
"But, im tired..." She breathed out brokenly. "I'm so tired." She sobbed out before looking at me with mixed emotions in her eyes.
"You don't know how much you always hurt me everyday by those mean words you say to me, you don't know h-how i feel when i would walked out of you office with my head down ashamed of how much they might've probably think of how idiot i am because everyday, you'll scream at me. You don't know how i felt so humiliated, so little with everything that you did to m-me. I hate you. I despise you." She whispered the last 2 sentence with full of hatred and dark tone.
I sobbed out, before pulling her in my arms, her head is on my chest, i hold her tightly as i sobbed while chanting an apologies. She kept pushing me, but i made no move on pulling away, that it seemed to might've got in her nerves as she weakly punched me in the chest repeatedly. She's too thin and small than me, so it's no use.
I always told her to eat, and always makes her come with me to eat, because i hate how she looked so malnourished.
Maybe, later the day, i hope to find out what her personal life is really like. I have a feeling that it's nowhere near the words of good life, because of how desperate she is on getting the money, but whatever it will be, i took a mental note on helping her with it, it doesn't matter if she would decline or not, because i will surely do anything to help her, and she can't stop me.
"I know, i know you hate me, it's okay, shhh...there you go, punch me, yell at me, do whatever you want, it's okay..." I said with gentle tone while still holding her tightly.
She kept thrashing around, but i just keep her in lock in my arms, while still whispering comforting words and apologies to her ear occasionally. Fortunately, soon enough, she calmed down.
She's sniffling, and coughing, and she's still shaking, making me feel very worried. I pour a water on the glass with my hand one, while the other is still holding her, then i give it to her.
"Can you drink this for me, darling?" I ask gently, she didn't do anything, so i asked once again.
"Please, drink this? You need to drink water, so you'll still gonna be hydrated." I said softly, and this time, she shook her head.
"I wanna go home..." I sighed defeatedly, i kissed her head and put the glass down.
I took her face with my one hand, pulling it towards me for her gaze to be on me. Her face has no emotions, but her eyes says it all. She's tired, exhausted, even. And i know it's my fault. Her eyes are bloodshot red, same goes to her nose, there's so many stained tears on her cheeks, just by looking at her face made me more mad at myself, and felt extremely more guilty.
"I'm gonna let you go home with your money, I'll even double it, but promise me you're not gonna quit. I mean, even if you really do consider it, i won't let you, but say it to my face that you won't quit, or else-" She cut me off.
"Or else what?" She asked.
"Or else you won't gonna get to step outside, and i will lock you in here." I said with my dominant voice, before silence elope around us.
"Why are you being like this to me?" She asked with the smallest voice, after a minutes of silence.
"Because, i like- love you. I love you, since the first day you walked through my office door, i didn't want to admit it to myself because im scared, but as months passed by, i fell more harder for you, and i-...i couldn't stop it anymore-" She cut me off, once again.
"Please, stop with the bullshit-" I frowned and immediately cut her off.
"Stop saying it's just a bullshit things , because it's not." I said with an offended tone.
"Because it is. How can you say you love me after all the things you have done to me? After how you treated me like shit, as if im just someone who's born to be treated like that?" She quickly interfered making me shut up.
I mean, i have my reasons, but i know deep inside me, it's not that even good enough and too reasonable to say.
I'm too lost in my thoughts because the next thing i know is she easily got out of my arms.
"I won't gonna quit, if you would just give me my money, and let me leave peacefully. And, please, if you really are sorry, stop treating me like an animal, and start treating me like a human." That broke my heart, knowing i really did already got beyond the line.
I was too stunned to speak as all i can do i to watch her her her things, and when she's done, she stopped infront of me. I snapped out of my thoughts, and told her to wait until i get the money. I quickly walk to my office, and took a couple stacks of dollars, that is probably 10x more than her usual payment, but i didn't care.
She frowned when i put it on her hands, then looked at me confusedly.
"It's all yours." I said, with a small smile.
"No, im not gonna accept this just because you pity me or anything." She said while giving me the other stacks, and keeping what is rightfully hers.
"No, you don't have to want it, but i insist. Please, just- just take it." I said, giving her the money, but she shook her head before stepping away from me.
"I don't need that, just give it to those who needs it the most." She said before completely walking away.
I tried to call her, but she just continue to walk until she stopped infront of the elevator. I stand up, running after her as she got in, she turned around and looked at me, tears are visible in her eyes.
"No." She said weakly, but i didn't stopped and continue walking towards the elevator.
"Stop!" She demanded, and i stopped.
I saw the elevator doors closing little by little, a lone tear made its way down on my face, just like hers, but hers are more.
"Y/n..." I called out unknowingly.
"Scarlett..." She quickly said with the same tone as me, as if we're greeting each other, but this one, we have a sad tone.
Soon enough, the elevator closed, i walked towards it completely, before throwing multiple hard punches on it. Tears are now completely streaming down my face, as her name longingly slipped out of my lips while i sob.
Did i lose my chances already?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No One's POV:
"Hey, guys- wait, where's my desk?" Y/n was supposed to greet her friend, but stopped mid way as she took notice of her missing desk.
"Oh god, thank god, you're here! We're gonna ask you the same thing!" Samantha exclaimed worriedly, as Gab nodded.
Y/n felt her heart pounding. What if she's been fired? I mean, there's some good things there, she won't gonna experience being with someone so evil, but she's not ready, by the way Scarlett acted yesterday, saying she won't let Y/n quit. So many thoughts run through her mind, as her friends waited for her answer, the raspy voice boomed from the intercom.
"Ms. Y/l/n, come to my office, please."
Surprisingly, Scarlett's voice is not that cold and scary, it's soft, warm, and she even used a please.
"Go, tell us what happened, okay?" Gab said, and Y/n nodded before turning to her heels and walking towards the office with so many thoughts running through her mind.
She knocked on the door, receiving a soft come in, before she completely went inside. Her eyes quickly landed on a extra desk that is on the corner, with boxes on top of it. She averted her gaze and looked at Scarlett, who is looking at her with soft eyes and small smile?
"Come here. Take a seat." Scarlett softly commanded and Y/n nodded obeying what Scarlett had said.
"Uh- Ms. Johansson, may i ask where's my desk? I mean, my work desk, the one where i work, it's not there when i arrive-" Y/n rambled, avoiding Scarlett's eyes as if she's scared, well, she's nervous, but Scarlett's heart shatter at the thought of Y/n being scared of her.
Scarlett swallowed the lump on her throat, before clearing it. "That's actually the reason why i called you here. From now on, you'll be working here, in this office with me. That..." Scarlett pointed at the desk. "..is yours, and your paperwork will be lessen, but you'll gonna be with me- always gonna be with me everyday and everytime." Scarlett explained, Y/n frowned.
"Is my time here is still the same?" Y/n asked, and Scarlett shook her head.
"You'll go home, once i go home. You'll go here, once i go here. So practically, you're time will be from 7 in the morning, to 10 in the evening." Y/n frowned, but she didn't said anything.
What about her job at the convinient store?
It's as if Scarlett can read her mind, Scarlett speak up.
"And your job at the store is gone, but your payment here will be triple, so you don't have to worry about that. I already talked to the owner of the store, and she immediately agreed." Well, more like, she payed the owner.
Triple of my payment? That's too much. Y/n thought.
"Any question, Ms. Y/l/n?" Scarlett asked, and Y/n shook her head.
"None, Ms. Johansson, thank you. I'll be starting my work now." Y/n said and stood up, but Scarlett stopped her.
"Wait." Scarlett immediate said, making Y/n stop and turned her body to face Scarlett, but still not meeting the older woman's gaze. "...can you look at me?...please..." That's all it took for Y/n to look at Scarlett slowly.
Y/n saw many emotions on Scarlett's face, there's a small frown, her lips are in a thin line, her eyes are slightly red and smaller than it usually are.
"Did you already eat?" No.
Y/n nodded.
"Y-yeah, i-i already ate." She didn't, she already sent all her money to her mother, despite her mother's declines and disagreements, she still did.
Tho, she left money for her bills and all, and a little for her food for a week or 2, but, it's just like for, 1 food for a day.
Even with her best lying action, Scarlett still saw right through Y/n, and she took a mental note on putting more food on Y/n's plate later for lunch and dinner.
"Okay, you may go now." Scarlett said with a soft tone, and Y/n nodded before walking to her desk, arranging all her things again.
Days, week, and a few months goes by, it gets better, it's slow, but there's an improvement on their relationship. Unfortunately, not for Y/n's mother's health.
Scarlett always do this little things that made Y/n's heart soften towards the older woman. Everyday she went to work, there's gonna be a food on her desk, when she would look at Scarlett in curiosity, she would see her being busy and all. Tho, there's no name on it, she knows very well that it's from the blonde woman.
And since everyday, they are together, her heart soften more at the little gestures that the woman does to her, she would open up the door for Y/n, she's very kind towards her now, she's not shouting anymore, and! Everyday, and i mean, everyday, and there's even an exact time that Y/n would recieve different types of flowers, she confronted Scarlett about it, but Scarlett just always changes the topic, after saying; "It's from me, now...blah blah blah...."
Sometimes, Y/n catch Scarlett looking at her, then looked away as if she's not been staring at the younger woman's soul. And ofcourse, with all of those things, it did something to Y/n, but she's just too scared to admit it and figure it out for herself.
Until one night, one moment led to something more.
"Hey, did you guys saw Y/n by any chance?" Scarlett asked Y/n's friends, as she look for the small girl at the crowd of so many people.
There's currently a party for a successful year on their company, and Scarlett decided to throw a big party, with everyone who is working for her, along with other business man and woman who they got to collab in this years events.
Scarlett did saw Y/n earlier, but there's so many interruptions here and there, and she lost her girl. Now, she got the chance to find her as the party started, since they already have a great enough relationship with each other, maybe it's time for Scarlett to move?
We don't want anyone getting you instead of Scarlett, do we?
"Oh, yeah, she actually went home already." Samantha said, and Scarlett nodded before saying thank you.
Taking a few deep breaths, Scarlett told the people who are in charge of the party to guide all the people and to finish this in a few hours already, saying she'll gonna call it a night already.
After that, she quickly went to her car, driving as fast as she could to Y/n's house, with a very nervous nerve and afraid feeling. What if she got rejected? No. I mean, either way she'll always gonna find a solutions to get to call Y/n hers.
Soon enough, she arrived. Some lights are still on, thank god, so she knocked 3 times, only to recieve no answer, so she did it again until she got tired and took it on her own hands to get inside, fortunately it not locked. I mean, she's her boss,and she's worried so what's wrong with trespassing inside of her secretary? Nothing.
"Y/n..." She called out softly, but nothing responded, instead as she walk more steps, her heart broke at the sound he heard.
It's Y/n's voice, she knows it, and the girl is clearly crying, and Scarlett became too desperate to find out. Curiosity got the best of her, and wandered around the small apartment more, until she stopped as soon as the sight of Y/n curled up in ball in a small couch went to her gaze.
She sees the girl shaking, sobbing loudly, a wrecked phone beside her feet, as she hold her face in her shaking hands. Y/n's shoulder is shaking violently, and Scarlett took no hesitation on walking towards her, slowly.
"Y/n..." The younger woman's head whipped at the sound of her name, quickly scrambling around to stand up and fix herself.
"Ms. Johansson-, what are you doing here?" Y/n asked avoiding the CEO's gaze.
Y/n looks so broken, even her voice sounded the same, it sounded so timid that it sounded like in any minute, she'll be bursting in tears. Her chest heaved up and down, almost chaotically, making Scarlett more worried.
She's shaking, her shoulders are violently shaking. She's still in her black dress, a dress that made Scarlett completely mesmerized, and became more simp for the younger woman. Even with her situation right now, Scarlett still finds her the most gorgeous woman that she had ever laid her eyes on.
She'll always gonna be the best girl for Scarlett.
"I was looking for you at the party, your friends told me you might've came home already...." Scarlett started off softly as she scanned the girl. "The door is opened, and I let myself in already, I hope you don't mind." Her heart broke at how Y/n looks so defeated.
"Oh- uh no... I don't mind." Y/n's voice is wavering. "W-what- what uhm-... What do you need, Ms. Johansson?" Y/n asked, still avoiding Scarlett's eyes, as she gaze at her broken cheap phone beside her feet.
Instead of answering, Scarlett decided to walk towards her, her feet softly padding on the old floor as she walk towards Y/n who became tensed at the sudden action, but nevertheless, Scarlett continued until she's just a few inches away from Y/n.
"Are you okay?" Scarlett started off softly, before bringing her head up to Y/n's cheeks, wiping some tears off softly. "What happened? Why are you crying, sweetheart?" As much as it warmed Y/n's heart, she gently pulled her face away from Scarlett's hands, making it fall down slowly.
"I-it's nothing-"Y/n was cut off by her own sob, as she uncontrollably broke down once again, her hands quickly going to her face.
"Hey, hey..." Scarlett brought the younger woman in a big hug, almost covering Y/n's whole body with her tall and masculine one.
Y/n's body rocked in sobs as Scarlett hold he tightly, the older woman's hand going up and down on Y/n's back comfortingly.
"Can you tell me what happened? It's okay if you don't want to, but i'm here okay? You can talk to me of whatever. None of that already, please?" Scarlett's voice wavered at the end, her heart breaking at the sight of Y/n and the sound of her loud broken sobs.
"N-no, y-you can g-go, Scarlett. I'll just do w-whatever you want with me t-tommorow..." Y/n tried to get away from Scarlett's grip, pushing her chest away slightly motioning that she wants to get away, but Scarlett only tightened her grip on the younger woman.
"Y/n." Scarlett said softly but sternly, demandingly rather, as if she doesn't want Y/n to do the actions again.
Y/n stopped, before a pit of sobs broke out of her once again, letting her body fall on to Scarlett chest, the comfort of the older woman is spreading her body like a wildfire, making her ask for more.
"Shhhh, it's gonna be okay, my darling. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay. I'm gonna be with you, I promise, I'll be by your side, yeah?" Scarlett pulled away slightly to have a good look on Y/n, one of her hand is still on Y/n's waist.
"M-mom..." Y/n started, looking down. "My Mom's g-gone, Scarlett... I-i'm all alone now..." Once again, she cried, sobbing loudly before leaning in towards Scarlett.
Scarlett felt her skin became cold, her heart hammered in the inside of her chest.
It can't be. She already gave Y/n's mother the best doctors, and everyday making sure that everything is going well, all that with and without Y/n's knowledge.
Y/n knows that Scarlett is partially helping through her mother's therapy and all, but she didn't know that Scarlett is also the one who's paying for the expenses on the expensive hospital where her mother was in.
Scarlett even met Y/n's mother already, asking for her mother's blessing on having Y/n as her girlfriend, which Y/n's mother already gave Scarlett freely. Being the charming woman she is, she always visited Y/n's mother until she got what she wanted, showing her good intentions and all.
All that without Y/n's knowledge, but that enough for Scarlett to be calm knowing that no one can have her girl, except her and her only.
But now, Y/n's mother is gone, it saddened her, broke her heart even, she became utterly close with the woman, treating her like her own mother, while the woman treated her like her own daughter.
A part of her is somehow, relieved, thinking that Y/n's mother is already at peace, and knowing that she already promised to Y/n's mother that she'll protect her daughter for forever and eternity.
And she will.
She will never let Y/n feel that she's alone, she's here.
"I'm here." Scarlett said with much determination.
"I will always gonna be here, no matter how much you pushed me away, or whatever. And if you'll let me, I will give you the love I have been meaning to give you all along." Scarlett said softly, and hearing Y/n's sobs quite down she became nervous, as Y/n slowly look up at Scarlett with mixed emotions in her eyes.
Y/n doesn't know if she wants to believe what she's hearing or not, Scarlett had already shown her every thing for her to confirm that the older woman has a feelings for her, she fell for it, and now, hearing Scarlett saying this, it somehow brought the chaotic thoughts calm down about Scarlett in her mind.
And as they look at each other in each passing seconds, both of their hearts grew, and from that moment, Scarlett knew that everything she had been waiting for, the 'forever' she's been looking for, for so long, has now been found.
Her forever is now found.
And she doesn't have any intention of letting it slipped out of her hand, not for forever.
°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~°^~
Wow, I never thought that this would get out of my drafts 😭 I just want to thank @thewidowsledger for giving me all the things that I really need to hear to continue my writing journey, thank you so much, Den! (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠) (Would you like a part 2 for this, everyone?)
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lexirosewrites · 4 months ago
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Happy Slick Sunday to all those who celebrate!
I've been trying to think about how I would write a modern day au and this idea has been floating a round for a while now.
So basically I'm thinking of Omega Steve who, feeling a little abandoned and aimless after his friends and the kids to off to college, agrees to marry his parents chosen Alpha. He wants kids! And a partner! And since he never got out of Hawkins he thinks that this is the best way to do it since no one else in town is interested in washed up Omega Steve anymore.
So they get married and bonded in the same night and things go alright for a little while. Alex (the Alpha) is fine if a little boring and mostly let's Steve do his own thing. Steve brings up the topic of kids, the one thing he really married Alex for, and he's wishy washy about it. Always with an excuse about timing and work and preparedness and eventually it becomes a Thing. Steve isn't going to let it go and Alex isn't giving him what he wants so they start fighting. And then Alex starts coming home later. And then he starts getting angry and pushy until he finally comes home and they have a blow out and he pushes Steve into the wall, at which point both Steve and his Omega are finally in agreement that it is no longer safe here with his mate.
Omega or not Steve isn't going to get pushed around by his Alpha, so after Alex goes to bed, Steve packs a small bag and loads up his car. He's pissed and scared and has no plan but knows if Alex wakes up and tracks him down he's going to be in a world of hurt so on his last pass through the house he picks up his old baseball bat from the hall storage closet and a handful of nails from the junk drawer. As quietly as he can Steve smashes the headlights on Alex's car and shoves nails in all four tires and then he's running to his car and driving.
He drives until his tank is near empty and then he fills up and drives again for almost 24 hours and on a stretch of road in the middle of nowhere he realizes his front tire has slowly been loosing air for miles. He gets out to check it out and, of course, there's a nail lodged in there.
The road is empty and he's going to have to drag everything out from his trunk to get to the spare and the idea is so exhausting after not sleeping for almost two days on top of the distress his Omega is feeling about their abandoned bond and he just starts crying right there on the side of the road.
Then up comes Alpha Eddie Munson, operator of the rehab ranch two miles East if where Steve's car broke down, on horseback of all things. He was just checking the perimeter of the property and happened to spot the broken down car, not uncommon in these parts and it's always been the facilities protocol to help travelers in a pinch. He calls out, startling the man hunched over by his car, and is met with the most stunningly beautiful man he's ever seen. Hopping off his horse he gets closer and smalls the acrid sent of Omega in distress, causing all his instincts to go haywire.
Without meaning to he let's out a couple little cuffs and crowns as he approaches the sniffling Omega and Steve, who would usually be incensed at this strange Alpha's familiarity chirps back, his Omega desperately needing the care.
Eddie takes him back to the ranch, insisting he rest since it's obvious Steve hasn't slept in a while, and they'll come back tomorrow morning when the light is better to fix the car.
Of course Steve never ends up leaving. Instead, once Eddie learned about why Steve is on the run, he offers Steve sanctuary and work on the ranch for however long he wants it. Eddie runs the rehap facility with Wayne and his mate Benny, but he can always use extra hands taking care of the animals and fields. Steve starts to feel a sense of identity and peace taking car of the animals and feels himself falling in love with the Alpha that brought him here and is always so kind and patient when teaching Steve a new skill. They spend their nights on the porch of the main house talking and watching the stars.
Of course there's the matter of his mating bite still at hand. As Steve gets closer and closer to Eddie he begins to notice his mating glad looking infected. Hot and red and swollen and he begins to feel light headed on the job. When Eddie asks permission to court Steve just two months after his arrival it feels too good to be true, but of course he accepts.
Unfortunately, his condition rapidly worsens until he is forced to confess exactly what's going on to a very concerned Eddie. Steve's body is rejecting his bond, a process that is extremely rare and painful. Wayne has seen this once before, and regrets to tell them that once the rejection reaches its peak it will feel like the worst detox imaginable and will likely last several days. Luckily, Steve couldn't be in a better place to ride it out.
Eddie takes care of Steve throughout his detox. Helpless as Steve writhes and vomits and cries for the Alpha his body is rejecting just to get some relief. All he can do is whisper sweet things in his Omega's ear, make sure he eats and drinks, and help him change out of his sweetly clothes.
Steve, of course, makes it through his detox and after a few days of rest feels lighter than he has in years. Eddie ramps up his courting efforts immediately, instincts on high after so many days of Steve being unwell. He sents Steve obsessively and brings him whatever small babbles he can afford on his meager salary and plays his acoustic for Steve every night on the porch.
After four months of courting, just long enough for Steve's gland to heal completely and his hormones to return to a neutral state, they bond under the start sky.
After that they're insatiable. Messing round in the hayloft, against the side of the barn, behind the old silo no one uses anymore. Eddie is always whispering in Steve's ear about breading him and giving him all the pups his Omega can handle with gets Steve keaning and begging in no time. Not even two months after their bonding Steve realizes he's pupped, and he couldn't be happier.
agahsgdve i think divorce/bond-breaking in omegaverse is so cool! what’s a more fun way to symbolize the end of a relationship than a whole process where your body entirely rejects your mating?🥰
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g-hughes · 6 months ago
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Small Fry - L. Hughes
hockey masterlist || g's graduation celebration
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synopsis: it's the middle of the night and you can't sleep, the only thing that can soothe it, is a late night run for chicken nuggets
word count: 709
warnings: pregnancy, cravings, fluff
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It was almost 2AM, and you were wide awake, staring at the ceiling. The windows were open, letting in the soft breeze that was rolling off the lake. Surprisingly, all the boys in the house had gone to bed somewhat early, tired and exhausted after a full day of boating and wake surfing. You had called it a night around 10PM, fully preparing to sleep like the dead after having a long day, however, the growing child in your stomach had other plans. 
You couldn’t sleep, your back ached and you were starving. You were at the point in your pregnancy where no matter what you did, your body ached and no matter how much you ate, you were still hungry. Whoever told you that the last trimester was full of bliss and wonder had lied to you. You had already ventured down stairs once to see if there was anything in the house that would satisfy your cravings, and you were sadly disappointed that amongst the very full fridge and pantry, not a single thing would suffice. 
You considered waking Luke, but you were hoping that the baby in your belly would stop kicking and you would just go back to sleep. He hadn’t moved a single inch despite your huffing, puffing and moving. But the curl haired boy next to you remained sprawled out, his lips parted as soft snores left his mouth. He looked peaceful with the slightest bit of a sunburn across his cheeks. 
You hated how he could just sleep so peacefully while you were being used as a personal punching bag. 
You huffed again, adjusting and sitting up higher in bed, crossing your arms over your growing belly. 
Luke must’ve sensed your unease, as he rolled over, slinging his arm over your belly, “Sleep,” he mumbled. 
"Can't," You sighed, and ran your hands through his curls.
"What's wrong?" Luke was now waking up, and looked up at you with his big blue eyes, "Baby okay?"
"No. I'm hungry, and fat," You said, and Luke sat up, looking at you, "I want nuggets."
"How did I guess," He smiled, and leaned up to kiss you. He pushed back the covers, and rolled out of bed. His pajama pants were slung low on his hips, and he grabbed a sweatshirt from the ground. He walked over to you, helping you out of bed and pulled you up, "Come on, mama. Let's go find you nuggets."
You were thankful that the McDonalds by the lake house was open 24-hours, and so was Luke. Mood swings hadn't been easy on you or him, and he was worried that if he got there and they were closed, it could be a long ride back home. Luke ended up ordering himself something too, and drove back to the lake house. He grabbed the bag of food as you waddled your way down to the dock, the moon high in the sky lighting the way.
The warm Michigan air felt good, as you happily ate away at your nuggets. You and Luke talked about names again, throwing around both girls and boys names since you had decided against knowing the gender.
"Luke," You asked your boyfriend, and he looked at you, "Can I have your fries? Don’t judge me, the baby’s hungry."
"The baby, huh?" Luke smirked, and handed you his fries, "What about. . . Arthur for a boy?"
"Like that bald rabbit from the kids show?"
"Okay guess that's a no. . . Thomas?"
"I like Thomas. For a girl, I still like Eleanor."
Luke smiled softly to himself, he liked the name too. In the back of his mind, he always wanted to name his child after his parents. They had given him everything, they had taught him the game of hockey, drove him all over for the sport and stood by his side during the good times and bad. His only fear was not being half the parent that they were. But as you told him over and over, as long as their child was happy, healthy and taken care of, they were doing their job correctly. 
And a couple months later when their baby girl, Luke knew right away that there was no better name than Caroline Eleanor Hughes.
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note: hi, yes, welcome to my hockey blog :) requests are open! and I hope to have a masterlist outline posted soon!
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bluewhitehues · 4 months ago
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"An I love you card."
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(Yes another HUG series drabble, sue me for missing them. They are my home😭)
Idol Kim Mingyu× F.reader
Genre/tags :fluff,comfort,Established relationship.
Summary: Reader just misses her lover so much. + mingyu buys an apartment so that he can finally ask you to live together with him.
(My brain isn't functioning a lot lately so idk about the summary,just read the fic you will understand, ok bye cuties🏃‍♀️‍➡️😭)
Masterlist
~
You: Lover...I'm breaking up with you if you don't come and give me my hugs till tonight.
Gyu❤️: Baby hello to you too and wtf you scared the shit out of me why'd you start your text like that😭..I'm coming okay wait for me
You: you better if you want me in your life👍🏻
Gyu❤️: stop scaring me ...don't you love me anymore? 🥺🥺
You: WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK IM DYING TO SEE YOU IF I DIDN'T LOVE YOU
Gyu❤️: OKAY OKAY MY BAD BABY I GOT IT IM COMING I MISS YOU SO MUCH TOO
You: yeah and on a serious note love I'm not trying to make you feel bad about this I understand that you have work ..it's just I want to see you and hold you ..I miss you 🥺🤐
Gyu❤️: I Know love I know ..do you need something to eat should I get you something?
You: You.. I'm gonna eat your cheeks and lips off
Gyu❤️: oh god babe you've lost it ..is this what the lack of me does to you?
You: It does..it's a serious issue you dont understand
Gyu❤️: okay sweets gotta go I'll be there till 9-10pm may be ..rest till then ok?bye love you mwahhhh
You: yes can't wait to see you love you too❤️
Currently it's 5PM of your day off and you're about to cry because you miss your lover. Honestly it hasn't been that long since you met him. You saw each other nearly 24 hours back. But those meetings has been like just some fleeting moments. And you can't help but miss him from deep within. Your week has been exhausting too and he cures literally everything for you.
It's still 4-5 hours till you can see him. You're not even sleepy anymore you already took a nap. So you just decide to do some self care. You put a sheet mask on your face. (And make a silly face with a pout for the selfie and send it to mingyu. Like Ofcourse.) You even do your nails. Then you get a silly idea to make a greeting card for him with a letter may be. You excitedly take a white paper and few colours, pencils,pens everything.
You draw a cute panda holding a heart. And write 'An I love you card' below it.
And put a cute letter inside it.
After that you eat dinner and wait for him.
You hear the keys rustling and know it's him. You've already done a lot of waiting so you go almost running to the door, your heart beating fast. He comes inside locking the door, when he turns around you're there already running to him, crashing into his arms. He let's out a surprised chuckle wrapping his arms around you.
"Hey there, looks like you missed me a little too much huh" He said closing his eyes feeling you in his arms, your warmth invading his chest and to whole body and his to yours. That's the most beautiful feeling and the very reason why you crave it so much.
You hum in the hug, clutching him tightly.
"I did and I'm not going to let you go now."
Then you look up and he sees your face and eyes, it looks like you're about to cry. Eyes teary while looking up at him and a small pout. He coos at you, instantly holding your face in his hands. "Aww my baby, what happened I'm here now aren't I hmm" He says wiping the corners of your eyes.
You lean into his touch. "I don't know..you made me cry." You pout harder and he leans down to peck your pout. Once, twice. "Don't say that.. what did I do?" He asks pouting back.
You look everywhere moving your eyes as if thinking of something to say. "You were just saying anything,weren't you?" He giggles now that he has figured you out. Squishing your face in adoration. His eyes crinkling as he smiles wide.
You nod,letting out a laugh. "Yeah you know me."
"Mhm thought so." He says then picking you up. He walks to the couch in living room,flopping down on it with you in his lap.
"You sure everything's ok baby?" He asks kissing your head.
"Yeah just...missed you so much." You whisper in his neck,where your face is buried. He rubs your back soothingly. You pull back from the hug to look at him.
"Did you eat?" You ask tracing his face with your fingers. "Mhm I did with the guys." He says sighing into your touch. Placing his forehead on your shoulder. You caress his hair, hugging him tighter and kissing his temple, then ear and then neck. He tilts his head towards your neck and places sweet pecks on your neck too. You pull back making him look up at you, you put your forehead on his saying "kiss me."
And he smiles, complying to you without wasting a single second. He kisses you and you feel home again. He squeezes you to himself hugging you tighter so you know he missed you just as much. You share a few sweet kisses and then pull back.
"You know how bored I was ...I spent the whole day alone." You tell him.
"I wish I had a day off too baby, I'd have loved to spend my whole day with you." He says pouting a little, tucking your hair strand behind your ear.
"It's okay you're here now" You say giving him a smile and a peck at his nose. He scrunches it cutely with a chuckle.
" Oh wait !! I've something for you." You say suddenly remembering something. Your eyes a little wide with excitement. You get up so fast from his lap. You pick up the card from table and hand it over to him.
He takes it, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion but a smile on his face.
"An I love you card" He reads and looks up to you with a bright smile. "Oh my god babe you're so fucking cuteeee ahh" he says laughing while pulling you closer by your waist,so you're standing in front of him.
"You've to open it " You let out a giggle urging him to open it.
'There are so many shitty people in the world but I Met you..I have you..how did I get you? You're so lovable you know? And I love you for who you are. So kind,loving,caring. You keep calling me angel but you are the real angel. Thank you for coming into my life. I love you so much. I'm writing this because you need to know this and also because I fucking miss you right now. Ok bye don't make fun of me after this.' ~only yours,y/n.
You see all of his expressions with each word,with each line he reads, he melts a little more. h
He tries to control his smile. He looks up at you with tearful eyes. Grabbing your hand he pulls you closer. "How are you so cute baby." He sighs caressing your hands, "How did you get me you say..?.. But how did I get you?" "You're so precious you know that ? It's not even my birthday or anything special, it's just a random day and you're here making me feel so loved." He's looking up at you with so much love in his eyes with a sweet grin on his face, which you love so much.
You chuckle combing your fingers through his slightly long hair. "Baby, it's just me saying I love you in a silly way,it's nothing special.it's just a card."
"Well it is special to me." He says pulling you on his lap again. "And I'm going to cherish it forever, I'll keep it safe with me...thank you." "And I love you too by the way." He says grinning wide,giving you a peck on the lips.
"And I was going to do something special to tell you this or may be I should have asked you before doing this but.." He sighs.." I don't know I just love you so much and I want you to know, I want you with me always. So.." He takes a breath to prepare himself. He fishes out keys from his pocket. "I've been carrying these around since a week." He chuckles nervously, while your heart is beating fast.
"I know I should have probably asked you before doing this, but I just ..I wanted to do it for us ...so ..I bought an apartment for us . It's registered under both of our names."
You gasp "gyuu-" your eyes wide.
"I-I know baby ..it's a big step but ...will you move in with me baby?" He asks finally. "You know that I want a future with you right? For me You're my one and only." He says clutching your hands in his.
You finally let out a sob mixed with a watery laugh. Nodding furiously you say "You're my one and only too gyu. Shit I didn't know you'd do something like this ..but I've thought about this almost daily, when I want you to hold me to sleep. When I want to see you as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. Fuck you don't know how much I miss you when we can't meet or whenever I have to sleep alone." You sniffle and he's wiping your tears, nodding along with whatever you're saying.
"It's a little scary but I trust you with my whole life, so yes I'd very much love to move in with you."
His puppy eyes slowly get bigger in size as he gets happy "Really? Oh my god...I love youuu" He says getting up with you, spinning you.
"Oh my god you're going to make us fall..slow down." You laugh as his giggles fill the room. He stops putting you down on the ground.
"Is tomorrow ok with you? I want to show you the place first then we can decide the rest." He asks. "Yes." You say becoming a blushing mess making him coo at you.
a/n: idk if this is any good but i wrote this in June, finally finished it. Also im sorry for making you wait for 'I hate you not' series.it's also halfway done but it'll take a lot of time for me to actually post it. I'm more into reading than writing these days so please feel free to suggest me some good fics. Thank you for reading this. Hope y'all are having a nice day 🥹🫶
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jamiepaige · 13 days ago
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Constant Companions Closeup #5: CADMIUM COLORS
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(also on bandcamp and spotify!)
Once again, welcome back to the Constant Companions Closeups - a series of in-depth dives into the songs off of my latest album, Constant Companions! Last time, I wrote a whole diatribe about my OCs while talking about I Wish That I Could Fall, and today, we're eating paint! Cadmium Colors featuring Soneji of Project Mikan!
Consider this a content warning: this post will discuss the pandemic, struggles with mental health, and suicidal ideation/attempts. I'm hoping it'll ultimately be uplifting, but the discussions at hand are incredibly heavy, and it wouldn't do this song right to be vague. Please be warned.
---
Let's talk about COVID.
At the beginning of 2020, I was in the midst of a long-term break from making music. It wasn't completely cold turkey, and I might not have even called it a break if you'd asked me at the time, but things were dire. I was still dealing with the burnout I'd sustained from the making of Autumn Every Day; I'd had my ego bruised by a live performance at a house party that went so hilariously bad it'd hurt even the most stoic performers (imagine watching an entire packed room of people clear out in 5 minutes flat from the already hyper-exposed vantage point of being on stage in front of them and knowing you single-handedly caused that lol); I had just moved across the country, and was preoccupied with trying to make ends meet as a 22 year old dealing with pure adulthood for the first time.
I was working a shitty minimum wage job at a discount clothing store I will not be naming, slogging through late-night shifts that wouldn't get me home until 3 am some nights. I had friends and roommates, but they were all just as overworked and exhausted and dealing with their own shit as me. I was mentally ill and unmedicated. Suicidal ideation was rearing its ugly head at my lowest moments.
Then, as I turned 23, a global pandemic shut the world down, my grandpa died with me being unable to attend his funeral, and I had a catastrophic mental breakdown that suddenly turned the voices in my head into a deafening cacophony of self-inflicted malice.
In hindsight, I think being 23 kinda just does that to you
---
Fast forward to 2021. I was back at my retail job with the pandemic raging in full force, my sense of self was held together with duct tape, positive self-talk essentially didn't exist for me, and I was the loneliest and lowest I had ever been. I was working the fewest hours I could get away with, and still, almost all spare time I had was taken up either by work or by my recovery from it.
This was around the time I got an email from Crypton, of all places - the people that make Hatsune Miku, for anyone uninformed. They wanted a remix of the song Happy Synthesizer for a Digital Stars compilation. I could not for the life of me tell you how I lucked into this or why they reached out to me of all people, but they did, and I was deathly determined to prove myself worthy of it.
This was August of 2021. I was staring down the barrel, languishing in what felt like only half of a life, fantasizing about death and trying to twist my thoughts into something that could at least keep me blearily shuffling forward another couple days. It was untenable.
(I'd also recently been diagnosed with OSDD 1b - this is a whole can of worms I can't really open until we talk about Breeze Blows, but it's important to at least mention that coping with this was a significant part of this turnaround.)
It's melodramatic, but I had only two options - make things again, or die.
I finished that remix within 24 hours of getting the stems, and I will gladly toot my own horn about it - it's really fucking good, in my opinion. Bittersweet ended up coming together in a mad dash over the next couple months as well. I was making music again.
Even though I was exponentially busier, things paradoxically got easier. I made the creative process a priority in my life, and not only did it give me an outlet for everything that had otherwise been eating away at my soul, but it struck a chord with other people who had been struggling as well. Things just... started getting brighter.
So I kept making music and living and yadda yadda blah blah here I am. This is all a lot of words and very personal stories of mental health struggles to say this:
One: The line between being an artist and being one of countless people forced to work jobs that go nowhere, that put their life at risk, that force them to strip parts of themselves away - it is a faint and transparent line built on circumstances of class and privilege and luck. Making Art and being an Artist aren't magical elevated states of existence, but something anyone is capable of if given the space to nurture their creativity. I believe the world should be a place where any person can do this.
Two: It's easy to convince yourself that art is meaningless in the face of the world at large. And yes, revolutions aren't fought by poetry and paintings, and people aren't fed through songs. But art is a source and a medium for connection; Art is how we find beauty in a disorganized and entropic world; Art is what we come home to and what words we write and pictures we paint and songs we sing to remind us that people matter to us and love is real and life is worth fucking living. Maybe that's corny and stupid, but it's true.
Three: So help me God, I will never work retail again in my entire life.
---
This is another song that is heavily inspired by artists like Prefab Sprout, Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush, and other artists of that ilk - very 80s, very flowery and sentimental lyricism, focused on telling a story. I greatly admire songs that aren't afraid to paint otherwise banal or ordinary scenes in abstract reverence!! I wanted the verses to contrast heavily with each other in that way, with verse one's relentless poeticisms (prosaic practice of depravity) and idioms turned on their head (suspending innocents above their disbelief) against verse two's incredibly straightforward depiction of a factory worker's circumstances.
The flowery language might have worked against me somewhat, though! I've seen a lot of folks that thought the ending was darker or much more defeatist than I intended, and while some of that is just inevitable with a work of art, I want to be clear.
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Translator's note: this means "don't kill yourself, you idiot"!!
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As you may have picked up from the previous post in this series, this song does heavily feature a leitmotif or two predominantly performed under pudgy pretenses. I'm not going to go on that whole novella-length spiel again, but rest assured knowing that this song, too, is one that makes me think about my OCs. Since it's something many people missed, however, I will take a moment to point out that this song quotes none other than Autumn Every Day off of my album of the same name!
Painting and visual art have been something of a reoccurring obsession of mine in my own art. I grew up around visual artists, have always been friends with many visual artists, and generally have a really intense love of it as a medium and a mode of expression. However, there's also always been a sense of... well, I don't want to call it jealousy, but it's jealousy. I've tried many times to start making visual art of my own, and I have made some things, but it's been a struggle, and I worry sometimes that my eye has permanently outstripped my ability.
However, in my quest to toss out grand expectations and simply have fun making art, I did recently pick up a cheap little drawing tablet! I'm excited to be a beginner at something artistic again...
Finally, I want to thank a couple people: Soneji of Project Mikan for the gorgeous, soaring saxophone solo; friend_xp for the mindboggling MV editing; and especially my good friend Que for the GORGEOUS painterly art that goes along with this song! Que's style was just perfect for this, and really tied the whole thing together immaculately!! There's no joke or deeper lore or anything I just fucking love Que's art go follow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And with that, I think this post is complete!! If you have anything else you wanna know about, ask away in the replies! Tomorrow will be Breeze Blows with Marcy Nabors and Marlow Jacobs!!!
MAKE ART AND BE GAY
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