#it's been a truly wonderful experience
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coc day 30 | the beginning
(wanna watch them kiss for a little? bonus under the cut)
thank you to @ileadacharmedlife for the continual support through the challenge of forcing these boys to kiss, and a hugely sappy THANK YOU, to everybody, for sharing this experience with me ❤
#HAPPY SNOWBAZ DAY EVERYBODY#THEY'VE KISSED IT'S HAPPENED#carry on countdown#coc 2022#carry on in animal crossing#i seriously cannot believe this is over#it's been a truly wonderful experience#extreme sap levels coming in a reblog please hold
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When I find it hard to do certain things, I like to pretend I am a neanderthal living in a cave with my clan, and I must do The Thing in order to survive.
So, when I'm doing cardio at the gym, I'm actually chasing and tracking a mammoth, and when I need to cook, well, I'm not cooking on a stove top, I am hurdled over the first fire and watching the fat of our kill drip down onto the burning wood. And when I find it hard to crochet, I pretend that the first winter storm is coming and our clan needs me to make blankets to hurdle under and that I must contribute.
I hope whatever you do to do The Things will help. It is a uniquely personable trait to motivate yourself through pretend and stories. That's what makes this life interesting - that's what makes you feel larger than yourself 💛
#mental health#positivity#it helps that i absolutely adore learning things about ancient people too - it's endlessly fascinating#unironically if somebody has textbook/video recommendations about neanderthals/ancient civilization let me know i will froth at the mouth#i like talking about this because it gives other people ideas about how they can motivate themselves#and personally the feeling of being ancient or a part of something old makes me feel that#in addition to the There Are 8 Billion People principle i work on the There Have Been ~117 Billion People Here principle#i find it comforting to think that i don't stand out significantly in a good or bad way because of the sheer NUMBER of people who have live#the human brain is bad at computing those numbers but... just... that's an insurmountable number#there truly are very VERY few experiences truly unique and that's not a bad thing#that just means that you aren't forgotten nor are you alone in anything#i was watching a video about somebody making flax into thread using a paper that was published about ancient textiles#and holy shit i wanted to bite somebody because i was so interested in it and it's just so humanizing to both us but also ancient people#those people probably used very very similar techniques that the video maker did - at first she used a rock to get the fibers#and then she remarked that saliva helped to get to the fiber of the flax and i wonder how many ancient people also did that
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nameless bard …
#thinking about him once again. god. god#how doomed was he. what sins rested upon his shoulders. what blood could he not wash off. what did he sacrifice#what ghosts follow him. whose voices can he hear when he tries to sleep.#sometimes i think about how it’s very possible wispti taught the bard to smile genuinely again#sometimes i think about how bard very possibly would’ve been crying and smiling had he survived#sometimes i think about how bard would collapse to the floor the day after and having it truly sink it that they won’t have to go back to—#—that lifestyle ever again. they did the impossible. they won they Won#(sometimes i think about how the bard is all too aware that his most beloved friend is powerful beyond their imagination. sometimes i think#about a bard who is careful about that power.)#puts my head in my hands#do you ever wonder about . the bard and the audio of they wanted a weapon#i got cheated out of my childhood#do you ever wonder about the bard looking at kids having fun and mourning for something he never quite got to experience. bittersweet#Do You Ever think about the bard#who cradles his wisp close knowing what his hands are capable of. who sits in meetings and jests and has to roll out each word w precision#bc who can you trust?#AGH .#lantern says stuff#gifs
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🦈2
#even tho it was so hard for me. ofc when u can only communicate via the internet so much is lost i think... sm extra things u need to be#more secure kinda? like physical presence does a lot on its own#but yeah.. ok i actually wrote more but u can only have 30tags per post and safari on ur phone does not tell u when it's stopping so half o#what i wrote just disappeared ._. i cant rmbr what i said... and i mean this is just for myself to vent but grr im so annoyed#yeah just that he was sm more patient than i realized. i just was in the start of learning how to live w my avpd#i wasnt able to do a lot. even if i wanted to. he helped me sm to uncover things in myself to start that thing within me#i just desperately wish i had found him earlier and that i've been this far along in my anti avpd limitation abilities.... truly wish that#so im trying to accept it and just think bc i dont have a choice :') i've never wanted anyone like this and that just is how it is#i will always love him simply bc he is who he is#he's so so cool and amazing to me in so so many ways. and i always loved just how he talks and communicates bc it resonates w me#and there are simply sm details i just adore. but yeah... i probably shouldnt think abt that? i feel like.. it isnt my place to think abt i#but it is what it is but it hurts so incredibly much. will i ever be able to let go of him? the love i couldve experienced? the wonderful#person i couldve been with? will i be able to stop thinking abt all his great qualities and how much i wish he was mine? and all the things#wanna do and talk abt with him? he's just.. he just is .. i cant describe it. it feels like more than just earthly love...#maybe i sound insane or too intense or dramatic or smth but.. it feels so much larger than everything#so i struggle sm with letting go bc i want to touch him and i want to love him and i just want to be with him and experience everything w h#but that isnt my place. i know... why.. have i only ever felt like this w him... what do i do with this?? am i crazy? am i going insane? is#there smth wrong with me?#he is worthy of everything and he is so so wonderful but is there smth wrong w me for being so..#for having love that actually truly is all consuming? what is this... it's scary. esp when i cant unleash it. it's like a wild beast i have#to learn how to tame. and i want to be able to find mutual love too. but i cant force anything. will the universe grant me that?#i cant imagine myself ever being able of letting go of him but if that is what the universe has planned then..#ok im actually starting to sound intense and weird and idk O.O i think i think too much#.. it hurts that i wont get to do all of the things and talk abt all the things i wanna do w him. i'll never get to hug him...#if i could ask for only one thing it'd be one hug from him....#maybe is ound crazy but with all my disorders and feeling disconnected from the world.. and finding someone that makes me feel tethered#and safe and real.. and having to let go bc it just wasnt meant for me... why is the universe so cruel.#in the end i care abt him so much i just want him to be loved. i want him to finally feel loved.#someone else.. someone else without avpd can do that for him. i want him to be oh so so loved and .. yeah.. :(#i wish i couldve loved him as he deserves but .. its not my place. not my place... all i want is to hear his voice and live in his arms
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sometimes you gotta take in the lil details
#non sims#i'll come up with a skyrim tag#in my tes era again#(always i just go sleeper agent on it ig)#still in my modding skyrim era i'm sick so that's not v conductive to me actually playing morrowind so this is what i've been doing#sad bc nammu made some good progress he joined house redoran he's actually level 3 and somehow keeps invading every vampire tomb#(i run away bc i cannot deal w that right now)#his slave bracers finally broke off <3#i'll compile some screens and post tomorrow maybe#i truly am the people todd coward thinks about when bethany esda is concocting the latest installment of weird ass lore told through#environmental storytelling and esoteric books and an open world crafted with meticulous detail cursed with bugs up the wazoo#but yeah modding skyrim is being surprisingly fun after i figured out mod organizer#i have bookmarked some mods that require me to regen lods dyndolod or whatever it's called but i'll do that at the end#at least in morrowind that's how i do it#i did my engine fixes my bug fixes my graphics and sounds overhauls my model replacers enb landscapes and now my cities and locations mods#armor next and then i'll start overhauling combat#i'm gunning for dark souls like bc that combat style suits me rly well and i always hated melee in skyrim#(re: armors sforz i looked at your imitations previews and i'm in love i'll have fun experimenting w/ them i owe u my life)#but yeah...... 99% of my skyrim experience has been in ps save for a brief moment i pirated it on release on my shitty laptop i had then#it's been wonderful to actually mod it
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series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:
#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨#and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate#so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah.#thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou#i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh#compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol#i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help—#so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig#my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa#i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control…#b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you#tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao#so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol#but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato)#so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though#either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane#i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date…#at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration…#…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig.#oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far…#i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience.#help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m.#anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee
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I’ve decided that if AE1 is anything less than excellent, I’m calling it quits with being an active K-pop consumer once and for all. Not bc I’m an annoying akgae that hates everyone else in the industry or whatnot, I’m just done with the constant disappointments and bad news and mismanagement that happens to pretty much every group, and extremely frequently to the three of my faves. I’ve tried getting into other groups but I haven’t found any that appealed to my specific tastes and standards AND have non-frustrating management. I’ve constantly make posts such as “[K-pop group with immense but unexplored potential] x [extremely talented non K-pop musician who takes the risks K-pop companies should] collab when?” for a good while. If all these artists outside of K-pop are giving me what I truly need and if I know my fave groups’ companies are gonna let me down pretty much every single time, what’s the point?
#.txt#took a step back and truly realized none of this mismanagement and low effort concept nonsense is worth my energy at all#C9 is never up to any good and I’m so tired of pitying CIX and being unable to do anything about their situation#8D is never giving OnlyOneOf 100% of what they really deserve and while we’re at it they’re 5 years into their careers with no full album#and SM is self-explanatory. always screwing up their wonderful talented artists and there’s also the ups and downs of aespacore#but more importantly it’s always the old concert-previewed tracks getting released‚ goodbye to album/concept cohesion#AND ABSOLUTELY NO DEFENSE FROM SM ENTERTAINMENT WHEN IT COMES TO BASELESS SCANDALS.#to whichever group I go either the music/concepts are vapid or their label is outright awful. can never have anything nice in here#it’s just not worth it. why would it be?#I’ve been discovering more and more artists (many of which are independent) who are at the top of the production AND album experience game#so why would I continue to eat up the bottom of the barrel scraps companies are trying to feed fans?
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I hate the dsmp so much <- can't handle the emotions it causes her
#not a reblog#stupid ass server that i was obsessed with for 2 years#stupid fucking creators that i loved and some of them i still do love#stupid fucking closure that i needed and i think now ill delete some of the stuff from it that ive been hanging on to for too long now#just to get my peace back#goddammit#i love this server and all the stupid ass memories i have of it#all the wonderful fics and fanart and mutuals ive made through it and the wonderful fandom experience#even all the stuff with the shitty creators hasnt made my love for the server and characters itself wane#even if im not truly in the fandom anymore and id like to think ive moved on at least a bit#itll always be here#the dsmp really is like a parasite. damn#the post about how mcrp does sick shit to the human mind. yeah.
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fragment of a partially written “what if Evan went through with the magic-exorcism and had his memory of Gowpenny erased?” fic -- specifically a scene in which Jammer/K/Sam track him down to some middle-of-nowhere rest stop in order to meet him again
#N posts stories#thought it would be fun to experiment with the idea that his passengers are like#Way beyond the scope of human-magic and so they retained their memories intact#and Evan is just so used to shrugging off everything they say to him that he just refuses to engage#but there’s also a lot to Wonder about re: would Evan retain memory of having performed Accidental magic throughout his childhood?#would be interesting to play around with things there of like. How Much would they have to Take from him#to reach whatever level of ignorance they deem acceptable? nauseating.#truly tho the Exact Inverse of this fic is also something i’ve been entertaining writing meaning like#canon timeline where Evan fully thinks through the implications of ‘these people Could at any point take away my magic and erase my memory#of Whatever they want to just Whenever they decide to want to’ like Philtrum doesn’t Force Evan through anything but she does get like#Incredibly manipulative and coercive and Evan did not Actually give Informed Consent when he elected into the procedure in the first place#(it was never explained that the Whole pilot program would be kicked out — informed consent requires All relevant info given up front)#and either way ‘will they do it to me’ does not matter nearly as much as ‘are they Capable of doing this to me?’#combined with the fact that ep one Does establish to Evan that casting magic on children as punishment is considered Completely acceptable#there’s SO much to unpack about the kind of paranoia that would undoubtedly instill in Anyone but especially in someone like Evan
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Tumblr is amazing in many ways. We've all felt how communities work on here, and how people connect with each other.
Many make lifelong friends, find partner(s), or simply strangers that support them and their work.
But for that exact reason, feeling lonely and isolated even on here hits different.
I often feel sad because I missed out on Tumblr when it was most popular, but let's be real. It would have fucked up teenage me in entirely new ways as well.
#to my more anxious mutuals: this is NOT because of you#i know full well i could use this site in other ways for a more engaging experience#but it's often said that here you will truly feel understood when you don't get that anywhere else#and that makes it hurt much more when it doesn't end up happening#this is supposed to be BETTER. so if it's not? that must mean that I am worse#i don't know. i've been in some sort of mood#trying to be more open and brave and forward#and knowing i won't have the strength to keep up with it#so i sit in front of my pc in the middle of the night wondering “when will what i CAN do ever be enough”#the forest speaks
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→ drawing the same pose over and over again and feels cringe
→ realizes that these drawings are simply pre-ref drawings to figure out one's design so I can Draw Them
→ no longer feels cringe
#jic ur wondering why all of them are drawn w that same arms out legs semi open pose#do i obsessively worry about this to an unhealthy degree? yeah#do people not verbally tell me that seeing me draw the same pose over and over again is Boring or Lame or stupid or smth? yes but i get#like. stupidly anxious and start thinking about things like that which i obviously know probably isn't the case and that in actuality#no one cares about how i draw more than i do#but it's still difficult not to ruminate on thoughts of people subconsciously rolling their eyes at my art because its so plain and boring#and static and stiff and it doesnt feel lively and dynamic like the artists i aspire to be like#but then i also remember im only just starting my art journey. by this year I'll only have been drawing for 4 years. 4 YEARS.#which seems like alot honestly? especially w the progress I've made#but most; if not everyone who isn't me have spent 7+ YEARS of drawing and i remind myself that. oh#yeah! im on the same path they were#maybe they had the same issues i did#but ill get through it :) i want to experiment more this year w my art#i say that but i need to COMMIT#i need to commit. to actually put in effort to learn posing and perspective instead of trying to lazily scrawl color on a digital canvas#but it all seems so daunting#but; you know; in time it'll come. seeing the difference only a few months has done to my art is also truly refreshing#it lets me know that im still learning and improving my technique and that really helps iron out any anxieties i have.#sorry this got super rambly super quickly lol
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hi everyone! don't worry i'm not gone, but as my pinned post as said for some time, when i'm on here, i've been setting up the new blog along with the carrd and updating my muses' bond pages and bios there and elsewhere as needed. hopefully i'll be done with it all by the end of the month so i can then carry threads over too <3
#that would be truly wonderful ( ooc. )#i can't wait...to have a clean space with tags that are a tad simpler :'D#lmao but yeah....it's either that or i've been writing....and having breakdowns here and there but we don't need to talk about that :///#i am...excited for the new year#and to be writing on here again soon#but have a good night in the meantime <3#( also there's no pressure to follow the new blog- if my presence isn't adding to your experience this is your chance to softblock )
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Feeling nostalgia rn
Today honestly reminds me of the time in *let me check the date* 2022?!?!?! HOW WAS THAT SO LONG AGO??😭😭
Well, anyway- Today reminds me of the time when I was supposed to be sleeping, during a night of the return to my home from visiting family (it is a very long road, and I'm coming back after this night too-), back then I found @genshinluvr 'Not What You'd Expect' and stayed up to 3/4 am reading the chapters!
Ever since then I was checking up on them everyday, and then started checking them every Sunday, not skipping a week FOR MONTHS (I think I started a bit before 'By The Seashore' until around 'Happily Ever After?'), and reading everything with such a fascination. Later on I also started reading her HSR x Reader, and got super into it too!
So I wanted to share with everyone thede amazing pieces of art, a literal masterpieces that I want to thank greatly for lots of memories and good moments! Seriously, her writing is so professional and good! I'll never forget this work, it's truly one of a kind, thank you for writing it!
PLEASE go check it out!
Time to repeat history with reading and re-reading new things from Aaliah on the night before my return to home! (And being tired the day after-) Love you!
#just felt nostalgic today that's all#But i really do love these works so please if you are in any of those fandoms go check it out#honestly wow#it's been so long since i've read them and i still think nothing can top them#truly a wonderful experience#my everything#Okay let's stop cause it becomes idk moody ig#Once again#These works are great so you won't regret checking it out!#Not what you'd expect has over 600 000 words!#W O W#it honestly blows my mind so much#how much time passed#God bless her#I hope she'll have everything she could ever want!#(I hope it isn't invasive if it is then I'm sorry I just love these works so much)#roseapov#roseatalks#rosea talks#genshin impact#honkai star rail#hsr#genshin#gi#honkai: star rail#hsr x reader#genshin x reader#genshin impact x reader
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I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.
#luly talks#i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad#rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck#gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night..........#actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles#(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something#so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it?#not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still#i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭''#first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was#OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy.#anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence#dsaf#roger jones#dsaf roger#btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment#probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc#jake is so confrontational though#hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude#except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon.#hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff#because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen#not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway#yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact#im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking
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if any other bitch in konoha had been gay apart from sasuke none of this would have happened to my son naruto.
#pussy from the turbotron edgelord 3000 and his whole life went up in flame. NOT worth it#no but fr it's insane how he bamboozled every fan into thinking he was so interesting and cool and badass when .#at the point im at in shippuden hes by far the least interesting of the main characters. one track mind (vengeance) and no depth beyond that#like the other characters rn : sakura coming in to her own ; finding her path and her strength + sharing a connection so deep with naruto#over their common loss that they both just Know although they absolutely cant talk about it#yamato: the only survivor of orochimaru's monstrous experiments on children; kakashi's stand in thats so different from kakashi#it makes you wonder what it would have been like with him as their teacher from the start;#a mystery thats clearly trying his best but whose mission truly is A Lot#SAI: A BRAINWASHED SPY A PAWN FOR A SECRET ORGANISATION WHO CLINGS TO HIS HUMANITY NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES HES BEEN PUNISHED FOR IT#WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH NARUTO FOR MAKING HIM REALIZE HOW DEEP THINGS COULD BE FELT AND HOW DEEP RELATIONSHIPS COULD RUN#WHO HAS BEEN DRAWING A BOOK FOR HIS DEAD BROTHER FOR YEARS EVEN IF HE'S FORGOTTEN WHAT HIS BROTHER LOOKS LIKE#WHO DECIDED TO SPARE SASUKE BECAUSE HE'S LOVED. WHO JUST WANTS TO LEARN HOW TO LIVE A HUMAN LIFE.#MOST AUTISTIC CODED CHARACTER OF ALL TIMES HAS NEVER SUCCESSFULLY MASKED A DAY IN HIS LIFE.#sasuke: sasuke#anyway. im not touching on naruto because i could be here for days#BUT while sasuke on his own so far is very whatever. the narusasu dynamic is truly one for the ages#bc i just saw the ep where sasuke manages to see kyuubi inside naruto and wooshes him away and it's very like.#oh so hes literally seeing naruto's demons and banishing them even as hes telling naruto they dont matter to each other anymore.#oh ok cool cool cool cool this feels normal and not something to obsess over#jesus christ why am i typing all this. who here cares#naruto thoughts
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while u were creating sans: into the underverse and pairing all the versions of the same little guy together. i was reading alphys/undyne fics that made me feel as if i had just firsthand witnessed a divorce. we are not the same
#leo speaks#undertale#in the year of our lord 2023.?#this is NOT a knock against any AUs those were fascinating back then and are still fascinating now#but ya. i feel like i had sort of an atypical undertale fandom experience#distinctly remember a fic where sans used the phrase 'fuck and chuck' and had to apologize for making alphys upset#bc he apparently accidentally implied that undyne was just using her for sex#like idk how i managed to find like. every 50k intense emotional character study of this very bisexual lizard and her violently gay fish gf#i guess the dynamic of 'this person has been lying about every aspect of their personal lives but their partner still chooses to forgive'#really spawns some emotions in writers#gee i wonder why#uhhh. certifiably insane posts by yours truly <3 peace and love
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