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btswit7 · 18 days ago

Text

Almost, Always (I/II)

Pairing: best friend's brother Jeon Jungkook / reader

Word count: 8.4k

Genre: mild slow burn, comfort, heartbreak, angst, comfort, 5 year age gap, romance.

Summary: She was always there—watching, admiring, loving him in quiet. Almost like a habit, almost like a dream she never wanted to wake up from. But to him, she was just his sister’s best friend. Until she wasn’t. Until he saw what he had been missing all along. But by then, was it already too late?

Tag list: @jenniebyrubies

A/n: finally! Done with it, Enjoy reading! I swear I had such a shitty time editing it. I tried to copy 8.4k words here and I have no idea why it did not get copied here and now I have to re-edit the entire thing. Fuck!

Ahh, 3hrs after posting it I realised, the very second paragraph was wrong. I was literally frustrated :")

You were Jungkook’s admirer. He was 5 years older than you. You have grown up in front of him. You were the one who gave him numerous nicknames that people around you started calling him with.

The neighborhood you lived in has many houses, the two stories house a few steps further away from yours is your best friend, Rua’s house. Jungkook is Rua’s elder brother. You and Rua have known each other since childhood and that's how long Jungkook knows you. Well, Jungkook was the reason why you met with Rua.

It's been a month, you have been living in this new place, in this new house where you are indeed bored. You haven't stepped out of the house if it isn't for your mother tagging along with you. You were an introvert and hence you barely stepped out of your house.

It was on a bright day, when you didn't have school you started playing with the toys your dad had bought for you and that's when the door to your house was knocked and soon after your mom followed the way to the main door to open it, a kid and a small girl were sitting there. The small girl was clinging to the boy's hand.

“ Hello, Ms. Lee, Mom sent these for you.” He said passing a box of cookies to your mom as a toothy smile spread on his lips.

“ That's so sweet of your mom, tell her I told her thank you. Where do you live and who is she?” You mom asked, pointing towards the girl who has her one hand wrapped around her his legs as she held onto his legs tightly. She was wearing a floral printed frock with a pink hairband, her chubby squeezable cheeks that would make you want to just squeeze them.

“ The two stories house over there, that is our house” he says pointing to the house from the front perch of your house to the said house.

“ Okay, well do you want to come in? My daughter would like to play with you both.” You mom says opening the door wider for them, that's when Jungkook sees you sitting there with your toys sprawled all around the drawing room while the tv has some rhymes playing which you have no care about as you are busy playing with your cooking set.

Jungkook enters the hall with the girl, by holding his hand.

“ Heyy! I am Jungkook” he says flashing you a smile and then nudging the girl beside him, he whispers “ Rua say what I taught you”

“ Hii I am Rua and I am 5 years old” she says as she pushes her open palm which shows she is 5 on your face.

“ Rua, you don't do that” Jungkook scolds before taking her hand down from your face as he smiles almost embarrassingly.

“ Hello, I am Lee ___ and I am 5 years old” you say smiling.

“ Uhh, Ms. Lee, Rua is my younger sister” Jungkook says, looking at your mother, answering her previous question which he forgot.

“ You are our friend now. You can also come to our house to play. We have iron man” he says to you as he forwards his hand for a sake.

“ Girls like barbie oppa, not iron man” Rua says correcting Jungkook.

“ No but we have Barbie too. Rua plays with Barbie, you can also come to play with her” Jungkook says, correcting himself.

You smile, saying, “ She is in my school?” You ask Jungkook as you remember the familiar face that you have seen in your school.

“ Uh yes, she reads in your school and I too read in your school” Jungkook says as he picks up the male barbie doll from the floor.

“ We have the same school” you say again getting busy in your miniature no flame cooking.

Soon your mom comes and places a plate full of pineapple semi-sweet cookies.

Your favourite

“ Enjoy this kids while I bring you some orange juice” a squeal leaves all of your mouths as you three busy yourself in playing and having your cookies.

After your first interaction, one after other things kept on happening, you used to go play at Jungkook's house or sometimes they used to come play at your house. Then, you got into the same school as Rua and Jungkook, you went to the school in the same bus. That's how your relationship with Rua and her brother flourished.

It was when you were thirteen and Jungkook was eighteen. Your admiration for Jungkook kept on growing. The way he was so athletic, smart and cool. That's how he was known in the school. He was not only just handsome but he was kind too.

It was a basketball match in the school between the Red house and the Blue house. Both teams are known for their high athletic skills. The Red team was of Jungkook, he was the leader competing against the blue team.

“ Rua, come fast, the seats are going to be full ” you tell as you hurry towards the ground where the match is to be held. Jungkook was known all around the school. From teachers, the staff and to students everyone knew about him and hence a reason why you were worried you won't get any seat for the match.

Spotting a seat you quickly sit as you put your sweater beside you on the seat making space for Rua.

“ Shit! ___ you are more interested to see my brother than I am” she says looking on the ground to spot her brother.

“ Just focus on the game Rua” you say now, taking out a sigh of relief as she leaves the question and focuses on the game instead.

The entire game passed by and you watched each and every move of Jungkook mesmerized. The way he puts the ball in the goal effortlessly, the way he is so confident about his work and the way the stadium echoes in praises when he wins the match. Yes, he won the match.

Boys and girls around him cheer for him. You watch as his coach pats his back and whispers something in his ear making him smile before he leaves the place. Boys and girls around him join him as they start shooting for Jungkook, amidst all those people your eyes never leave Jungkook's figure as you.

Just then, one of the girls from the cheerleader group came to the front, forwarding Jungkook a towel. The cheerleader only had a tiny short and a tight white tee. Even through the entire crowd you could visibly see Jungkook tense up, his cheeks growing red as he takes the cloth from her hand. She forwards him a bottle of water as you look at your own blue bottle with your name written on top of it by your mother so it doesn't get mixed up with others. They talk for some more time as the cheerleaders as the crowd reduces.

“ ___ let's go! It's over. Next class will start in like 5 minutes” Rua nudges you on your shoulder as she looks at her wrist watch, the copy of which you are wearing too.

That's how close you were to Rua. Wearing the same things was very common between you both.

“ Uhh.. yeah let's leave” you say as you pick up your blazer and water bottle and rush inside but when you look behind you see how Jungkook has his hand wrapped around the cheerleader’s waist as she holds onto his forearm as their mutuals take a picture for them.

And that did get you thinking the rest of the day.

It was evening when you decided to go meet Jungkook. Well, in your defence you did tell yourself that you are not going to let Jungkook know that you sneaked from your class in the name of filling a water bottle and spent an entire class along with your break just to watch him play, you won't let him get to know that right?

Well, that's how your heart convinced your mind because you were not at all able to control yourself. Your mind just kept on thinking just about Jungkook—-

“ He is so cool”

“ Does he go to the gym? His thighs are sooo strong”

“ Jungkook is soo good looking”

“ but….who was that girl?”

You find yourself asking numerous questions which lead you to feel unfocused and then you decide to go meet Rua. Well some notes will be a good escape to go to her house because your mom will definitely not allow you to go considering it's 9:30 pm already.

You ring the doorbell for Rua's house. The door is opened by her mother who welcomes you in, without any question.

You spot rua sprawled on the sofa as she watches an anime on the tv. Well, your wish is to talk to Jungkook and not to rua. So, you go forward to her.

“ What's up buddy?” You ask as you patt on her shoulder later sitting down on the sofa.

“ Nothing much, well what are you doing here now? Your mum is going to scold you” she says as she sits straight on the sofa.

“ Actually I just had to talk to kook. I felt stuck in this sum. Where is he?” you ask looking around when you don't notice him.

“ He is in his room. You can go meet him” she says pointing towards the corridor which connects his room to the drawing hall.

Not like you don't know where his room is.

You knock on the door of his room thrice but hear nothing. You knock again but still no response but rua confirmed he was in his room. You quietly opened the door and peeked in, there he was by the large window looking out with wired headphones in his ear.

He looks ethereal.

The way the wind moves his soft luscious bangs with itself as his soft pink lips stay parted. His skin glowing under the moonlight. His face being the only thing glowing as the dark room, his black clothes and the night outside combines to form complete blackness.

You get in the room and place your notebook on the table beside the door. You quietly walk in and patt on Jungkook’s back. His plain eyebrows form a frown as he opens his eyes looking the way from where his shoulder was patted. There he spots you and soon he smiles taking out his earphone.

“ Hii ___” he says.

“ Hii kook” you say as you stand beside him. Now the wind makes your hair flow with his.

“ What are you doing here now? It's so late” he says, checking the time on his phone.

“ Uh.. I am here to… uh yeah congratulate you on your win” you say proudly, your eyes shining from the thrill of match that you watched a couple of hours ago.

“ I am proud of you kook! You did so well. The way you hit the ball in the last few seconds and it went exactly was just unreal! No wonder everyone was so amazed by your moves. The way each and every move of yours looks effortless but it just tells how much hard work you put in Mastering it. Just amazing, kook” you finally finished now looking at him.

“Wait, so you watched the entire match?” he guesses as a small smirk plays on his lips.

As soon as you hear his question your eyes widen realising you spoke way more than you should have.

Just great.

You hesitate later trying to mask it up, “ I didn't watch… I hear–”

“ Liar” he says as he leans forward slightly looking intently in your eyes, “ you do have this habit of blinking your eyes when you lie”

You look away as blush creeps up on your cheeks, he then slightly pinches your cheeks not knowing what this small act of his has done to you.

You both stay quiet for a while, enjoying the peace and the closeness of the moment while adding this entire moment to your memory lane with Jungkook.

“ But next time, don't skip your class to watch matches,” he says. You nod vigorously to his statement.

You try not to say this but you still end up saying, “ kook, who was that last girl who came to give you water?”

He frowns first thinking who you are talking about then he remembered, “ ah she is mia. She is a cheerleader and my classmate”

You nod while he continues, “ she is a nice girl, kind and sweet. It's fun to be in her company”

“ Oh, that's great” you say as you play with your fingers, suddenly finding the floor much more interesting you further add, “ okay I think I should go.. uh it's late” you take a few steps back but Jungkook holds your hand slightly stopping you.

“ But you just came here,” he says, frowning.

“ Mom, asked me to come fast. I just came to congratulate you on your win which I did now I should leave” you say forcing out a smile.

“ Okay, I'll walk you home” he says as he starts to keep his phone and headphones.

“ kook, I can manage it's not fa–”

“ I am not asking for permission, I am just letting you know that” he says as he walks out of the room and soon you follow not forgetting to take your notebook.

As you both walk side by side, you feel the soft wind causing you to chill, yes that's what winters do to you. It's your fault for not taking your sweater with you when you walked out of the house.

Jungkook is right beside you, you can feel his soft vanilla smell as warmth from his body radiates. You take a glance at his and then the thought of that girl with Jungkook crosses your mind.

He does think she is beautiful, did he ever think I am beautiful too? You find yourself questioning your own self as you both walk side by side.

“____, is something wrong? You are never this quiet” he asks, narrowing his eyes.

“ Nah, nothing's wrong” I say smiling as you stand when you reach your front door.

“ If you say so. Good night, ___” he says ruffling your hair making you smile more.

“ Good night kook” you say as you make a run towards your door.

Jungkook waits for you to get in as he waves his hand in the air which you reciprocate while getting in your house.

It was when you were, fifteen years old and he was twenty years old. Your whole family decided to have a small party at a restaurant where Jungkook's entire family and another family of your dad's friend was present.

Initially, it wasn't your parents plan to celebrate your birthday but an end moment thing.

You were done cutting the cake and a series of thank you left your lips when you received your birthday presents. The food arrived and after having the food and dessert, your and Jungkook's family came in your respective cars. Both of your family reach at the same time.

Your dad is busy in the garage parking the car, you are on your way to carry your big boxes of gifts in your house when you get called.

“ Uh yes kook?” You ask when you notice Jungkook standing right behind you, both his hands behind his back.

“ Uh.. I just have a gift for you” he says as he forwards the small box towards you. You slowly place the boxes of gifts you are carrying down with some assistance from Jungkook.

Your eyes light up as you hold the box in your palms, you hurry to open it and a gasp leaves your mouth when you notice the beautiful bracelet. It shines under the moonlight.

“ Let me help you” he says as he carefully takes the bracelet out from the box. Taking the lead, he makes you wear it.

“ This just looks perfect, thank you!” You exclaim as you go for a hug. He hugs you back.

“ Okay then, go and sleep. You are growing up too fast” he says as he again ruffles your hair.

“ Good night kook” you say as you again pick up the gift boxes with his help and walk towards your home but your mind is completely hazy with his thoughts. Jungkook did care enough to bring you a bracelet.

‘ you have no idea what you do to me,’ you think as your focused eyes on the bracelet slowly close from exhaustion.

It's his birthday.

Yes it's Jungkook's twenty third birthday and you can't help but feel excited. His Parents have decided to hold a small gathering with his friends. In which you are definitely invited.

It's 5 pm in the evening, you pull out your new dress from the wardrobe. Well, you kept this dress untouched for an important occasion and what can be more of an important occasion than his birthday.

The knee length dress fits you perfectly, hugging your curves just perfectly. The soft not only feels comfortable on your skin but it also makes your skin glow.

You never considered yourself breathtaking— but today when you look at your reflection you admit that you look beautiful, so beautiful.

You are finally done getting ready, you look at the wall clock in your bedroom, it reads 7 pm. Oh shit! You didn't just spend two hours getting dressed. Well that's how you felt because it's his birthday today. It's time for you to leave or you will miss the cake cutting ceremony when you will reach. And no way you want to miss that!

You look around yourself and pick up the gift bag from your bedside table. The gift holds so much significance for you. Jungkook will love it.

You feel nervous as you get out of your house to work in the direction of Rua’s house. The cool September wind blowing did no favour to calm your pulsating heart down instead your mind kept on making the worst possible scenarios. You feel agitated when you think that you have a big thing to do today. You have to confess to him today.

You will do it right?

What if Jungkook doesn't like the dress? What if he doesn't like the present you have for him? What if you are too late and he is already done with the cake cutting ceremony? You are going to look so dumb then.

You almost throw your head back to feel sad if something like that happens.

You swallow to help yourself calm down. You are going to do it— tell him how you feel about your relationship with Jungkook. Soon, Jungkook's house came to your view as you exhaled a sigh trying to calm your heart down.

The door to Jungkook’s house is already open as loud music comes from the inside. It seems everyone is there already. You exhale one last time mustering a small– you can do it.

You step inside as the smell of expensive cologne and beer hits your nostrils. Well, it is well known to you that Jungkook has some rich friends.

Soon, you feel a tap on your shoulder as you look behind to find Rua.

“ Hello, pretty” she says as she comes close to admiring more of you.

“ Hello gorgeous,” you say smiling.

“ Gosh, are you trying to make every guy lose their mind at this party tonight? Cause you are definitely taking all the attention” she says with a nudge on your shoulder.

“ Shut up. These heels hurt!” You complain looking at your heels.

“ Awh, well you are at the right time. Oppa will be coming anytime with his friends” she says looking at the main gate.

Soon enough many guys and girls enter the house. Some faces recogniseable to you but mostly new faces. At last Jungkook enters looking handsome as ever but beside him is a girl you have seen many times before, holding onto his arms as if she belongs there. The cheerleader.

Your breath hitches in your throat when you notice how beautiful the girl beside him looks. The long white gown that fits her perfectly in all the right places. She looks pretty.

No.

She is pretty.

The party keeps going, people drinking and dancing all around the house. The cake cutting ceremony was also over. Jungkook did feed you the second bite but you saw how he held the other girl close from the small of her back and fed her later taking the rest of the cake in his mouth. His friends around him clap and hoot for him as he takes bites from other pieces.

“ Gosh ___, let's sit somewhere I feel tired,” Rua says, pulling you to the nearest couch with her. You look around yourself and find Jungkook with his group of friends. Jungkook steps aside as his eyes fall on you making your eyes widen. Shit you weren't planning to get caught.

“ Wait, I'll be back with a bottle of water” she says as she stands up to leave but you stay seated there. Soon you feel the couch beside you dip with someone's weight so you look beside you just to find a guy. His hands rest on the headrest beside you head as the swirls the beer in your hand and asks, “ hey girl! What's your name?” He asks leaning towards you as he smells of booze and the same rich cologne.

A thick silver chain dangles in his neck as his dark black eyes roam on your face and collarbone making you nervous. Your eyes stay focused on him as you gulp later whisper out your name.

“ sorry couldn't hear you” he says getting further closer to you as he shifts towards you. You feel uncomfortable, you want to push him away but you feel small in his presence.

“ Okay, chill, have this beer. I am not here to eat you until you would like—” he says as he forcefully makes you hold onto his beer glass. The glass feels colder in your hands.

“ No, I don't drink..I—” you say trying to leave the glass.

“ Come on sweetheart, you don't look underage” the guy beside you says as he smirks at you, his wrong intentions clear to you.

Suddenly, the glass is pulled out of your hands as Jungkook throws the beer on his face.

“ Enough Mike” he says as he clenches his jaw.

“ What's wrong with you dude?” He says as he stands up dusting his clothes as if the soaked beer on his clothes will fall down. You too stand beside him.

“ Leave before I push you out” he says as he points towards the door.

“ Kook, let it—” you flinch hearing Jungkook's sudden outburst.

“ I said LEAVE” he says harshly making Mike grit his teeth as he angrily looks at you before stomping out of the house.

Jungkook looks at you as his eyes are fierce, making you feel small as you play with your fingers while looking down, “ ___, I am really sorry for what happened. I will teach him a good lesson tomorrow when he is sober” he says as he gets furious, his eyes not meeting yours in shame.

“ Kook, it's alright. Uh… I am fine now” you say looking at his eyes. He exhales a sigh of relief as he holds your hand.

“ Tell me what can I do for you, miss? Would you like a drink, wait… apple juice, that's your favourite” he says as he walks towards the fridge, while holding your hand as you walk behind him. Your eyes never leave his figure.

Yes this is the guy you like, the same guy you will confess today.

Taking out a bottle of apple juice as he pores some for you and himself in a glass.

“Here you go, miss,” he says, forwarding a glass to you. Your heart goes frenzy when his long slender fingers brush against your warm hands but to Jungkook it was nothing. He looks at you as you sip on the glass.

“ By the way, I like your new style though. You are a big girl now” he says as he pats your head, he squints his eyes as he smiles. A shy smile forms on your face as you look at your drink.

So he did notice how your usual hoodie sweatpants style is now changed to some beautiful knee length dress. Your usual braided long hair is open and easily flows with the air. Your sneakers or flats changed to heels. High heels. Your moisturized face now has make up applied and that he likes your style.

“ And uh you look handsome too” you say as pink dust forms on your face. You feel so comfortable around Jungkook. Like you never feel with anyone. In his company, you don't mind being highly drunk to the point you are not even able to walk. You know for a matter of fact he will take you home safe and sound. You know Jungkook so well, you admire him for the kindness he shows, how loyal he is and how amazing of a person he truly is.

Jungkook comes to stand beside you as he dips on his drink while you steal glances of him. The cold apple juice in your hand long forgotten as the thing that is causing a burning flame in your body is in your sight aka Jeon Jungkook.

His hair is not gelled like before, the effect of gel loose on him as the party has been going for hours. The first few buttons of his shirt open giving a view of his milky chest to you. You have seen clips of him working out in the gym, you know what can be the possible reaction of your body if you get to see below that: death. His black trousers are tight around his strong thighs that he must put so much effort on for them to look so good just from the view.

“ Is there something wrong?” he asks as he catches you staring at him, completely lost on how handsome he looks just by standing there.

“ Uh no.. nothing” deeper shades of crimson paint your cheeks as you manage to say your words to him.

Shit____, you leave no chance to get yourself embarrassed.

“ Uh, I was thinking of being with you till the party ends. I really never thought that bastard would pull up such moves. It's shameful that happened” he says as he looks into oblivion sipping on the apple juice.

“ Kook, that's not shameful. It's not like it's your faul—” you are interrupted midway when Jungkook gets hugged by the cheerleader girl.

“ koookiieee… let's go danceeee!! Our friends are waiting for usss” she says as she hugs him tighter, hiding her face in his back.

“ Eden, not right now.. I have some—” now this time he is interrupted by the cheerleader.

“ Ohh what are you having!?” She almost shouts in her high pitched voice as she takes the glass from his hands and takes the smallest sip she could.

“ Ahhh… apple juice? Really kookieee, you..you are ummm 23. We should have beerrr, kookie” she says as she slams the apple juice on the table, spilling some on the table in the process.

“ Jungkook bro, let's go” another of Jungkook's friends comes as he throws his hand around his shoulder. He is as drunk as maya (?).

“ Guys, chill ou—” this time he is interrupted by you.

Well, the interruption game is going well.

You get down from the stool as you speak “ Uh kook, just go and enjoy. It's completely fine here” you say soon rua joins you with a mojito in her hands.

“ What happened?” She asks as she stands beside you taking a sip of your apple juice, later making a disgusted face when she spots the two blitzed people are making her strong brother their standing pillar.

“ Nothing” you whisper to Rua as you speak to Jungkook, “ kook, you can go. Rua is here now” you say, holding her arms as if showing your most prized trophy to him.

“ Rua take care of her and yourself too. I'll be around” he says as he takes those clingy people with him.

“ Well, what happened?” She asks you as you both are alone now.

“ You tell me what happened? Were you doing some chemical reaction of hydrogen and oxygen to make water or you went there to bring water?” You ask because she was gone for way too long to just bring water.

“ You know there was this really cute guy, so he made me a mojito,” she says as a shade of crimson takes over her face.

“ You just spill the tea” you say as you both make your way towards the living room couch.

“ Okay cool, but first have this mojito. It's so tasty” she says, forwarding you the glass as a shy smile forms on her face.

—--------

The party goes on for another hour, and you talk to some more of Jungkook's friends. You look around trying to spot Jungkook and unfortunately from the couch in the drawing room you can't find him anywhere.

He is not standing in the same place where his friends took him. Rua is right beside you, “ ___, I am so sleepy” you hear her whine as she throws her head back on the armrest of the sofa. You look at the clock 11: 27 it reads.

“ Ah, okay let me just give my gift to kook,” you say standing up as she too stands up with you.

“ Not like I live a few kilometres away. I'll go by myself” you say.

“ You sure?” She asks, confirming as she slightly opens her eyes.

“ Yeah sure” you say, finally walking out of her room.

“ Message me after reaching home” she shouts back while you shoot back a loud approval to her.

—---

Now your task is to look for Jungkook, call him to his room and give him the gift alone. Yes, alone. You have waited the entire time just because you had to give him the gift alone. You can't confess your love to him in front of so many people.

As your heart thumbs in your chest with every step you take for your search for Jungkook. You look around cautiously as you pass the stage where intoxicated peers are still dancing to those high bass songs but as your eye scans through them, you nowhere find Jungkook among them.

You know for a matter of fact that Jungkook ain't between them or it would not even take you a minute of looking at him to know it's him, yes that's how much you know Jungkook.

As you look to your left towards the sitting area in the living room you don't find Jungkook there either.

“ Where is he?” You find yourself murmuring as you look to your right towards the kitchen. Well, the kitchen is empty with a few empty beer cans lying on the kitchen island. Well, true that who will be at the kitchen definitely you weren't expecting some drunk dudes to be cooking some meal.

Shut up, ___!

You now turn your head towards your front, there's just one light that lights that place. You slightly squint your eyes as you see a couple in the far end.

The male is pressed against the wall as the female has her back attached to the male's front. She throws her head on his shoulder as she is held securely in his arms.

Why does their dress match with the dress of Jungkook and mika(?).

Your heart shatters into pieces when you see the male lean as the girl tilts her face and before you can even think, they press their lips against each other.

The male is none other than the guy you were about to propose that day, the birthday boy aka Jeon Jungkook with the cheerleader.

You hear your heart break as if a glass breaks when it falls from a height. Your grip on the gift bag tightens to the point your nails dig in your own palm. Your hand feels cold but your whole body is hot, as if on fire.

You don't know how to react as tears unknowingly fall from your eyes. Your breath quickens as the realisation of what's happening in front of you dawns upon you. Your feet move on their own and rush to the first room that your eyes fall on. You close the door shut as you press your back on the door as a loud cry leaves past your lips.

You… just now witnessed Jungkook kissing…

… Kissing the cheerleader.

Your brain doesn't form proper sentences anymore as the scene of them being so close, them kissing keeps playing on loop in your mind. She indeed fits perfectly for him.

More and more tears fall from your eyes as some time passes by you standing in the same spot. As you finally get back to your senses or that your little crying session makes you feel better the realisation of you standing in his room hits you.

You take a few steps forward to confirm if it's his room. It's his room. Very little gym equipment was kept at one corner of the room. The black interior of his room and the neat and clean sheets remind you of the many times you have come to his room. And especially the smell, the minty yet soft smell the room speaks volumes of it being Jungkook's.

You gulp and try to breathe. It's too much for you. You were about to confess your feelings to him today. Well, reality had its own plan. You look at the crumbled gift bag in your hand which till now you were holding with all your strength as if your life depended on it. You slowly loosen up your hold only to witness some blood oozing out of your palm, patches of red on the gift bags handle.

You need to leave because it feels suffocating. You can't do this. You can't be in his room and be reminded of him and at this moment being reminded of him means being reminded of the scene you witnessed minutes ago. Your brain chants you should leave. Yes, you should.

You drop the bag at the bedside table where his favourite lavender scented candles, a mini bottle of his favourite cologne and most importantly a group photo of his family is kept, he is a loyal guy. You know it very well. You quietly and carefully place the bag over there. You leave no note nor an explanation of who gave him this gift.

You just turn away. Turn away to leave. Turn away so you can be away from his thoughts. Turn away so you don't end up sleeping in his bed, you want to be close to him. You just want to be held. Held by him. But how can he hold another girl who apparently has some deep rooted feelings for him, when he himself has a girlfriend.

Girlfriend, the word just settles in your brain without you even acknowledging. They must be dating for them to be kissing that way. They must be dating for her to be so close to him. They must be dating because Jungkook has known her for so long. And they must be loving in silence.

You walk away from his house. The loud noise of the party has long long been forgotten, just a lifeless body walking out of the house. You quietly enter the house. You don't want anyone to see you like this, broken. You don't care to pick up any call from Rua, no matter how many times she calls. Neither you change your clothes nor you wipe your already ugly makeup.

You just sleep.

—------

It's been almost 15 days since that incident. The next day after his birthday, Rua came to check up on you but you didn't open the door when your mom and Rua were banging on it. You lied about being sick.

Well, your heart was sick. No, it was broken into a million tiny pieces.

You haven't been to Rua's house even once in fifteen days. Well, this is unbelievable to anyone. In your 18 years of life, it hasn't been that you have not visited Rua's house even once in that long. Apart from the many reasons for meeting rua for gossiping, helping each other in academics, your main reason was Jungkook.

To meet him indirectly, know about his whereabouts, sometimes play games with him or just to get a glance from him. To look at him just to bless your eyes with his ethereal beauty.

He is majestic.

You sit on the bench of the empty park. It's past 9pm when you got out of your house, you felt stuck so going for a walk felt like a better option. Well, it was if it wasn't for the sudden interruption of a very known someone who decided to just sit beside you on the bench.

You know very well who he is.

The bench shakes a little as your trace breaks, your entire form getting tensed up.

But you don't look his way, maybe just to show that you didn't know it was him sitting beside you, but you knew it was him.

“ Rua has been missing you for a while, why don't you come home?” He asks with his hands in his pockets, the wind chill as if telling winters aren't far.

“ Finals” you say after another minute of silence. You straighten your posture as you look straight, your own hands now inside the pockets of your jacket, you continue, “ I have to study. Finals are looking”

He stays silent. You know he wants to say something. The way he fucks his head down, you know he wants to say something but he stops himself. A few more minutes pass and the urge for you to get up and leave for your house intensifies.

Another wish that intensifies is the will to look at his face, get drowned in his eyes and to be washed in his warmth. You grit your teeth.

Stupid,

You are fucking stupid.

He is not yours. your heart screams.

You suddenly stand up as you say, “ gotta go. Mom must be waiting” wasting no more time you start walking towards your house.

You walk a few steps and that's when you are stopped by him. The way your name just slips his tongue. You could die to just hear him once more. You need to hear him once more. You stop dead in your tracks and he walks closer to you.

“ You are lying. It's not your finals” he says walking closer to you as he now stands in front of you.

“ Then, what is it?” You almost snap but not even once you look in his eyes, you just can't.

“ Is it because of mike? I don't want to brag, but I literally had a fight with him the other day” he says as his eyes fall on his right hand’s knuckles. There are some faint marks which you do take a glimpse of by slightly tilting your head in that direction.

‘So he had a fight with one of his friends for you..? Does he perhaps like you?’ heart asks.

‘fuck ___, shut up. He. Has. A. Girlfriend,’ your brain chants.

You again feel the pain of the same intensity when you say the word girlfriend for him. It isn't just this time, this ain't new to you. The pain ain't new to you.

“ I told you the truth now it's upon you if you believe it or not” you say as you try to walk past him only to be stopped as he grasps your wrist stopping you in your tracks, just beside him. He sighs again.

“ You know that you have us right. Why don't you talk things out with us? You have me, rua and all of us. If anything is bothering you, I am more than ready to help you out” he says as he looks at your side profile now making you somewhat conscious of how you are looking.

You want to tell him the thing that is bothering you. He. He is bothering you. His thoughts are bothering you. He has a girlfriend that is bothering you. Your unsaid confession is bothering you. And that you love him that too is bothering you.

“ If there would be something, I would tell you” you say as your voice somewhat softens.

“As you should” says.

He did it again, his long hands, slender fingers getting through your hair as he ruffled them, like he always does. But this time it just feels as if the time has stopped. You don't realise when you close your eyes. He is still there, holding your wrist. You open your eyes as you say.

“ Leave..” your voice betrays you coming much more weak.

“Huh?” He asks, confused.

“ Uh.. leave my hand, I got to go home” you say your heart is burning. As soon as he leaves your hands you make a beeline to your house. You can't stand there when he has again made a spark at your chest. You are quick to get in your house and try your best to busy yourself with something just so you don't think about him. Well only if that was even possible.

—-----

Your finals are over nearly a month ago. It was after another month with your last interaction with Jungkook that Rua barged in your house angry, angry that you no longer want to keep your friendship with her and that is the reason you are not going to her house or meeting her often like you used to.

Your mother did scold you later as she saw how rua was bawling her eyes out. Your mother did have a valid reason to scold you. Your screen time has increased a lot. All you do in your free time is to go through those one minute videos and don't even realise when hours have been spent on it.

Regardless of everything, the reason you are visiting rua today is something big. You have no idea how you are going to talk things out to rua or how she might react.

You knock at her door only to be welcomed by rua herself. She moves aside making way for you to get in. There's a sweet aroma in the house.

“ Well, you came at the right time. I was baking cake and was about to call you. I got stuck” she says throwing her head back in defeat, her hands covered in flour as a chuckle leaves your mouth at her condition.

“ Okay, lemme see what you did” you say moving to the kitchen. The rest of the procedure was done by you but rua was actively taking part in it by helping you as much as she could.

“ Woahhhh” she groans, throwing her head back, “ this is the tastiest cake I have ever had, because I have contributed to making it” oh how dramatic she is.

“ Right, contributed” you say as you force a smile at her face just to tease her to which she rolls her eyes. You cut yourself a slice from the cake, taking a bite from the slice and nod your head, “ it indeed is tasty”

“ Phenomenal it is” you hear as she takes another bite now focusing on the tv.

“ Well, what is phenomenal? Let me know too” Jungkook comes out of his room as he walks towards you on the couch. You don't look his way instantly, well you almost stop yourself from turning towards him.

“ The cake, it's just too good” she says as she again focuses on the drama playing on the tv.

“ Feed me too” he says as he comes to stand in front of you but he is just in his sweatpants. His chest right in front of your eyesight. You didn't want to but you unknowingly did roam your eyes on his sweat covered body. He looks ethereal. Well he always does.

You forward the spoon and your plate in this direction for him to have it. But he doesn't take it.

“ Feed me please, my hands are dirty” shit shit shit. You feel yourself stiffening hearing his plea. He requested you to feed him and not his sister. He places his hands on his knee as he bends forwards.

You do as he said, your actions slow. The cake is hot and so is Jungkook. So you blow onto the cake later forwarding the spoon to him. He takes the bite as your other hand unknowingly goes under his chin so the cake crumbs don't fall onto the floor.

The hums of satisfaction that leaves his throat tells you he liked it.

“ One more spoon please” you feed him again in the same way.

“ One more” you do.

“ One more”

“ Ugh! Let her eat. We’ll keep some for you” she says, stopping her brother.

“ Okay guys keep some for me” he says as he forwards you an apologetic smile when you glance at him.

Everything is done. Now, you should focus on the thing you are here to do. Rua is right beside you. You tell her everything in one go, a gasp leaves her throat as tears stream down her face. The last things she said was “ I want to be alone” before she left you on the couch and rushed to her face. She didn't stop even after your countless shouts. Rua is sensitive, this reaction was somewhat expected.

But, you can't leave her crying like that. Her parents are at work. The only person left is Jungkook. You don't want to be informed about this but you'll have to. It's been a long time since you have had any direct talk with him like you sometimes used to have.

You knock at his door and enter inside hearing a ‘come in’. You get in just to find the room empty. There he comes fixing his shirt, seems like just took a shower, his hair wet.

“ Kook” you say. There's a pause in his movement before he looks in your direction.

“ Kook, uh Rua is crying” you blurt out your first concern.

“ Crying? Why?” He asks with his brows furrowed.

“ Uh actually.. I had to say that… uh I am leaving the country. I just got selected for one of the top universities in Australia, so I told her about it and she.. she got sad” you say your voice trembling, you never wanted her to cry and now she has also pushed you away.

“ What!?” He says as he comes to stand just in front of you.

“ Are you serious right now? Why.. Why are you leaving? You could easily get admission in one of the prestigious colleges here too” he says, his voice strong.

“ That's a better option, kook. And I just want to do it” you say as you look towards him, it's been so long you looked right at his doe eyes, spoke from your heart. You notice how his facial muscles soften.

You both stand there in silence for a while before Jungkook takes you in his embrace. He does. He pulls you closer to him. His one hand on your back and the other on your head as he pulls you closer. Your stiff body melting in his embrace as you do the thing that you feel is right. You let him hug you, you hug him tighter.

After a while he whispers, “ when are you leaving?”

You whisper back, “ tomorrow, at 7 am”

“ What!?” He asks shocked as he pulls back just enough to look at your face. His hand falls on your hips as your hand remains around his small waist.

“ And you are telling this today?” He asks again.

You heave out a sigh later whispering, “ I had no guts to tell her this. I never thought she would be this hurt. I thought telling her one day before will maybe make things easier for her”

“ So she is crying?” He asks to which you nod.

His phone rings which is on the bed. You see the caller I'd ‘ mia⁠♡’ it reads. Your heart tingles as you slowly push yourself away from him. He picks up the phone whispering a “ call you later” and declines.

“ Uh, kook take care of rua and uh… yourself too” you say, turning on your heels as you hurriedly walk out.

You walk out of the house, walk out of his life. You never told anyone but another reason why you took this offer was to be away from his thoughts. You can't come in between two lovers. No you can't, you leave for the best.

#bts fanfction #bts fanfic #bts fic #bts fluff #bts jeongguk #bts jimin #bts jin #bts jungkook #bts army #bts #bts jeon jungguk #bts jeon jungkook #bts fandom #bts fanfiction #bts ff #bts ffs #bts jk

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lavandermix · 5 months ago

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"Timmy Fenton AU"

I've been thinking about this AU for a while and since I've finished the basic design of the main characters, I wanted to share it.

This is an idea of what it would be like if Timmy had been abandoned with the Fenton's at the age of 5. The story is still half in my head but I'm leaving the most important parts as a future reference:

I am using part of the chronology of the premiere dates of the series, so, Clement (Timmy's mother) is 3 years older than Maddie (Danny's mother). Even so, Maddie married and had children before Clement.

(Did you know that according to Google, Timmy's parents are named Clement and Edgar? So sad).

Timmy's mother and Danny's mother are sisters, Clement from a young age resented her younger sister for being smart and skilled in engineering, she made fun of her passion for ghosts and criticized her marriage to Jack although she was also envious of their success in their career and marriage. On the other hand Maddie stopped paying attention to her sister and although she tried to keep in touch, she stopped receiving responses when she had her daughter, the last she heard from her sister was 5 years before when she announced her pregnancy to the family and gloated that her daughter would be better than Jazmine (and daniel).

Timmy has suffered abuse and neglect from his parents for as long as he can remember, causing him various traumas and disorders, including dyslexia, anxiety, anxious attachment, selective mutism and ADHD.

Timmy is learning delayed because his parents never took him to school.

The day Timmy is abandoned, he is taken out of his bed at dawn and put in the car with only his backpack and only one change of clothes, he changed in the car, so he didn't have his pink cap anymore.

Timmy's hair is a little long and unkempt because his parents kept forgetting to take him to the hair salon.

They literally left him on the Fenton's doorstep with his backpack and a letter where Clement asked (demanded) her to take care of him since she and her husband were going on a cruise and didn't want to take timmy with them.

Danny at first doesn't understand why an unknown boy who is supposed to be his cousin is now staying at his house, but seeing how sad Timmy looks, he adopts him as his little brother and proposes to take care of him.

Jazz worries about Timmy but prefers to leave the “recovery” work to his parents.

Maddie and Jack first try to locate Timmy's parents, but when they can't find anything for a month, they decide that the best thing for Timmy is to adopt him themselves.

In this AU Timmy doesn't meet Cosmo and Wanda until the Volcano Island adventure.

I haven't thought about if Timmy will have friends at Amity Park yet, but at the beginning he has to receive special education plus extra classes with Jazz for reinforcement.

Timmy's skin is slightly pale due to the lack of sun exposure from being indoors most of the time.

I want to make this a fanfic in the future, but I don't have any publication date yet, anyway if anyone wants to know more, feel free to ask me questions or drop me a message!

#fop timmy #timmy turner #fairly oddparents #danny phantom #danny fenton #maddie fenton #alternate universe #fanfic #fan art #writing #timmy fenton au

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waihtie · 18 days ago

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Supernatural Season 4

Facts | Rewatch Guide | Main Plot | Character Analysis | My Thoughts

Facts/Stats

Sam Deaths: 1

Cause: Struck by lightning from a wish.

Revival: All wishes were undone.

Dean Deaths: 0 (but started off dead)

Revival from S3 death: Cas gripped him tight and raised him from perdition

Cas Deaths: 1

Cause: Apparently he was blown up

Revival: None yet

Important Character Deaths:

Pamela

Alastair

Uriel

Adam

Ruby

Overall Deaths: 74

*This includes all people and supernatural creatures who died during an episode, even if they come back to life.

Important information: Lucifer is freed. Cas is dead? Chuck is idk, he was with Cas.

Rewatch Guide

Plot: 1, 2, 3, 7, 9, 10, 15, 16, 17, 18, 20, 21, 22

Cas/Misha: 1, 2, 3, 7, 9, 10, 15, 16, 18, 20, 21, 22

Not Plot:

4 - skipable

5, 6, 8 - skipable, but are fun

11 - skipable, watch if you like scary

12 - skipable, has 1 minor plot convo between Sam and Ruby

13 - not main arc, but is full of flashbacks, so it is world (character) building

14 - skipable, but fun

19 - not main arc, but we meet Adam

Main Plot

The big thing this season is stopping Lilith from breaking the 66 seals, which will free Lucifer. We are also introduced to angels. They saved Dean from Hell and are either trying to stop or help Lucifer being freed. Sam is growing his psychic demon killing powers with the help of Ruby and drinking demon blood.

Character Analysis

I am struggling to put it in words, but I will try my best.

Sam of course is losing himself further and further. He's still traumatised by Dean being dragged to hell, so his mind is set on revenge. That, plus Ruby and demon blood taking over his brain, he grows darker and darker. We also see him struggle with being seen as not-human, or a monster, or a freak. It's something he's always struggled with, and he's literally being called those things now. I think he finds comfort in the fact that Ruby sees those aspects as a good thing. If those things are true, at least they can be helpful and make him strong

Dean should be struggling more with the PTSD of being in Hell for 40 years, but that would be quite the can of worms. We do see some, tho. We see him struggle with understanding what about him is worth saving. He tortured people in Hell, he was unable to stop seals from breaking, and he couldn't help / stop Sam. He's seeing himself as a failure. He doesn't give up on what he believes, tho. He keeps his faith in humanity, despite what Sam and the angels say. Tho, he doesn't react to his feelings on Sam very well. He sees his brother, the person literally protects with his life, become something he can't protect him from. And that scares him. And hurts him. So he pushes Sam away.

Castiel is slowly becoming an independent being. He's an angel who was made to follow orders. To not feel. As he works with Dean, things change - "For the first time, I feel", "My superiors feel I have begun to express emotions." He's started to disobey orders, have his own thoughts, and make his own decisions. He's seeing the good and beauty in humanity. He tells Uriel as much, but when he comes back from being dragged to heaven, he questions it. He asks Dean what about it is worth saving. Of course, he finds that answer in Dean.

Cas and Dean are so good for eachother this season. Cas, angel of the lord, who shouldn't feel or disobey or care, does bc of Dean. That is so beneficial for them both. For Dean bc he's struggling to see himself as worth anything, and then here comes all that. For Cas bc he's discovering free will. He's discovering beauty. All the gateways to discovering love. They both are kinda seen as a failure, by others and by themselves, and they find some worth in eachother.

I know all 4 of those go a lot deeper, but I'm not very good at reading people, or expressing my thoughts and feelings.

My Thoughts

I was so excited the first time I watched this season. I had been growing bored of the show, and then they finally introduced a 3rd fricken character. And it turned out to be a character I could finally obsess over. And that character happened to be played by Misha Collins, who seemed to change the direction of the show. I swear they started changing their target audience with him. I really am not the "rock-n-roll, horror-movie, grey-filter, classic-car, men-being-overly-masculine" type of person.

This season gave me all the things I needed - a relationship I could obsess over, a bigger plot, and a change in vibe.

I love Cas so much, I wish there was more of him. He was in only half of the episodes, and most were for just a few minutes, if even. I really need more of him.

Babyface Sam is gone. I am so sad about it. He was so adorable. He goes through an awkward teenage phase for the next many seasons, before getting hot in like season 12 or 13 or something around there.

#supernatural #spn #dean winchester #sam winchester #Castiel #Spn season 4 #spn season 4 recap

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prince-liest · 1 year ago

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I’m a sex-repulsed ace, and reading the latest chapter of 666 (as well as your analysis here on Tumblr) made me realize that I have been subconsciously thinking about MY OWN sexuality from an allo perspective? And that it has kinda been messing me up?? Like, ever since I learned that sexual attraction was actually a Thing and that it’s Important To People, I had been carrying around a fear of being deficient in some way and not being able to love to the same extent as allos. (1)

Even though I know logically that’s complete garbage and totally untrue, I felt left out of the loop because people seemed to care strongly about this thing I couldn’t even imagine. Whenever it looked like a relationship might happen I panicked for a reason that I couldn’t understand. But now I’m starting to realize that it’s because I was subconsciously terrified of an ‘ulterior motive’ behind the other person’s reasons for wanting to be with me. (2) That part of the reason they even cared was because of something I don’t experience. So thank you, because this realization just clicked into place while reading your work. The thing is, this way of thinking was just internalized in such a way that I didn’t even realize it was there until literally this week. And I think you’re right; one of the main reasons behind that is because I’ve always consumed media written from an allo perspective. (3) If ace/aros are shown at all, they’re depicted as “lacking” and their character development usually revolves around being “fixed” by the story. When I was ~10 years old my mom sometimes let me watch the Big Bang Theory with her (looking back, maybe not the best decision). Anyways, there was one episode deep into the series where Sheldon (who for the past nineish seasons was probably the closest thing to mainstream ace rep) has sex with his girlfriend for the first time. (4) Afterwards, he says something along the lines of “that was better than I thought it would be”, and it’s presented as a Very Good Thing and a big step in their relationship. I think a lifetime of stuff like that makes it very easy to internalize aphobia and feel like the lesser part of the relationship. Or to feel like the other partner is making a huge sacrifice to be with you. That got wayy too long, sorry. All that was just a lot of words to say that I appreciate you. Take care of yourself!(5)

The portrayal of asexuality that you see in media being almost exclusively as you described is very tedious to me because it presumes that something is inherently lacking in aro/aceness rather than that feeling of "lacking" being something that is induced by societal norms. Actually, one of the things that I find additionally alienating is that fandom spaces specifically have been getting better and better about ace characters - but got damn does fandom not jive with aromanticism. Like, a character doesn't want to fuck? That's becoming a liiiittle more fine, it's 2024, we stan consent. But not shipping someone romantically?? Not so easy, now.

I'm glad that my work has been something that resonated with you in this respect! Alastor cares a lot about his reputation as a demon but is pretty blatantly a person who could not possibly give less of a shit about being "wrong" for not being experiencing romantic or sexual attraction. The explanation Viv gave at one point for his own understanding of himself (that he thinks he's just "waiting for the right woman") actually stuck out to me a lot because it's a very "well, nothing is wrong with me for not feeling anything, it's the world that's failed to produce a suitable person" perspective.

But having that kind of confident perspective of your own rightness in the world is really not often portrayed in media, or even in fandom, which even ten years ago was still in the throes of standardizing "Oh, no! Me, gay? These feelings are so wrong!" style m/m content and is honestly not that far off from essentially that for aro/ace characters.

Anyway, all of that is to say that there's not yet much out there that doesn't frame allo/amatonormative values as the default that "even aro/ace people can (and should want to) achieve," and that it's really fun to write a fic that is unequivocally from the perspective of a character who is aroace and doesn't see it as even remotely a fault in himself. Does he have moments where he's a little confused and trying to process how things fit for him? Absolutely. But he just doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who thinks he owes romance to Vox of all people, hahaha. I've written him trying to conform to allo/amatonormativity more with Mimzy, because I think the social standards of their time could push him into it, but Vox? Absolutely not, he does not respect Vox enough for it to even enter his mind.

And then, on the other hand, writing it from an aroace perspective centers the way that romantic and sexual interest can feel like a betrayal of a good thing. With a character like Alastor, it frames romantic and sexual attraction the same alien way that we usually see aromanticism and asexuality framed as.

In the end, this is just one of a plethora of different experiences that aro/ace people can have, but it's one that I really wanted to see represented more, so I'm very happy to write it. I'm glad that you're enjoying it!

#ask #personal #Anonymous #long post #t #aroace #ace #he cares about Vox at this point!#but that's. not really the same as respecting him.#anyway this next chapter is important to me because it's very #how do I put this #“this was okay at the moment but that doesn't mean he's okay with it overall and forever”#“and it does not mean that they've 'progressed' their relationship to the point where Alastor being aroace is a 'nonissue'”#“(feat. ofc the heavy implication that it was an issue in the first place)”#ANYWAY. SOMETIMES I HAVE A HARD TIME EXPRESSING THIS IN NON-FIC WORDS #SO HOPEFULLY THE FIC AS IT CONTINUES SPEAKS FOR ME. I AM GLAD THAT IT HAS SPOKEN TO YOU SO FAR <3 THANK YOU!!#sexuality #my writing #hazbin hotel #this is a hot button topic atm and it took me a minute to write a reply #that didn't seem like it invited discourse lmfao #actually I still feel weird posting my opinion this strongly oops OH WELL

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tbhimnoteasyonmyself · 1 year ago

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Who is White?

If it is not I, your friendly neighbourhood non-binary deranged literature major, once again to tell you about stuff that the voices™︎ have prompted me.

This time, let's talk about the elephant in the room, the odd one out: Mr. White, a.k.a the fandom's babyboy.

(me as Fluke in this GIF, walking in ready to dissect this bitch)

So, what do we factually know about this man?

From what we're directly told in the show:

He's Tee's boyfriend, at least, since 12th grade, meaning they have been together for about 3 years, maybe 4 (depending on when exactly we are in terms of time in the present and when exactly during 12th grade they started dating).

He's younger than the rest of them, according to Por and Top in episode 1.

He studied at a different school from the main gang AND from Phee (yes, despite the embroidery having a similar colour, the writings where the institution's name should be are nothing alike, thus, not from the same place)

He cares a lot about his appearance (he does skincare when Por is literally dying downstairs and he sees a rash on his body while under the effect of New's absynthe - idk if it's absynthe or not but my friends and I have been calling it that since we saw them drink the green drinks so it's absynthe for me and there's that).

He's generally a very respectful person (he always speaks formally and nicely to everyone, even when people are hostile to him, like Tee or Fluke).

His fear doesn't seem to paralyze him in high-pressure situations (he strikes people with a tripod twice to save himself and others when he thinks they're in danger).

Another source could be the Yearbook, which, now, we have to be a bit more skeptical about because, as seen in New's case, it's not 100% accurate. One can argue that it is accurate because the yearbook would have Tan's info, since that's who he's living as and no one knows any better than that, including the institutions and, sure, yeah, fair. But while we don't know that White is hiding anything from us as well, we can't be sure of it. So, take the following with a grain of salt:

(translated with Google Translate)

His legal name is Watcharin Siriphan

He was born on the 25th of February 2005 (which confirms what Por and Top say)

His blood type is A (which according to the Blood Type Personality Theory means he is shy, stubborn, a perfectionist, polite and hard-working, apparently. tbh this thing is super shifty, no source seems to agree on the meaning of each type and, of course, it's a pseudoscience and all, so... yeah. take it as you will)

He's studying Software Engineering

He likes cakes

He dislikes cockroaches

He plays games and programs in his free time

So... We don't know much. He's the most generic person ever. Like... I too, and half the world's population, like cake, dislike cockroaches and like to play games. It's not exactly very special. Which is exactly why he is so intriguing. After all, we had 5 whole episodes so far, which were just the backstory of the people we see together in the mansion in the present. We've seen their personalities, their qualities and flaws, what they did and what they didn't do. We've been given a reason as to why they're here. Not just in the more direct sense of "they agreed to come here for Jin's goodbye party" but of why exactly they needed to be put all together in these conditions for this story. All except White. White is just... Barely an afterthought. We're shown when he comes into this story for the group (when he becomes Tee's boyfriend), but we're not given a reason so far as to why the narrative wants him there.

Because, sure, IRL people sometimes end up in random places and things can be pretty meaningless but this is a work of fiction. One that, evidently, has been greatly focused on details (Non's framed apple picture and Phee eating an apple alone, for example, or the correlation between the group and the colour blue). So why would it just throw us a character that is, seemingly, irrelevant to the story?

And to this, there are 2 possibilities my friends: either White is a narrative tool to get to the audience or White is not who we think he is. So let's explore it, shall we?

White = Narrative Tool

Let's start by assuming, possibly the most likely outcome, that White is exactly just a guy who ended up there due to his connection to Tee. Why would this narrative need that character?

Glad you asked. Because he's the only person who's 100% innocent. If he's just some guy who, as we've seen, keeps being respectful and nice and trying to always do the right thing, then he's got nothing to do with the others who, in different degrees are all guilty of something. He's the odd one out.

Because, yes, this is not a show of villains (at least, not in which concerns the main characters). They're all morally grey. But they have some drop of black that makes them grey.

Por is arrogant and a liar and selfish.

Tee is aggressive and manipulative and a control freak.

Top is an overall asshole and a coward.

These 3 actively bully Non. Por steals his work. Tee and Top blame him for shit he didn't do which puts him in the situation where he owns Por and they spy on him. Tee manipulates him into mafia money laundry and threatens him.

Fluke is selfish and refuses to take action even when he knows it's the right thing to do.

Jin doesn't have the capability to realize that the peaceful passive way with which he normally carries himself with won't solve the issue. Plus he's overly emotional. And a bit selfish too.

They didn't help Non when it was their moral obligation to do so. And Jin records him being abused by their teacher and possibly posts it online (though that's still up for debate).

Phee is too stubborn and also overly emotional and even overly empathic.

New is obsessive and vengeful.

Phee never really helps Non because all the ways he offers Non help are the wrong ones. He almost tries to control him. And he fails. And then he tells him awful things and breaks up with him in a terribly vulnerable moment for Non. And even when he regrets it and tries to bring justice to him, he fucks Jin because he wanted to and tries to cover it up as if it was part of the plan. Sure, they were broken up, technically, but Phee himself seems to have had "take-backies" over that breaking up. So, in his mind, at least, it's fair to say he cheats on him, which is very hypocritical after how he reacts to Non being abused. And New... He tries to help sincerely because he feels guilty but he only makes things worse. Nothing is solved and their father curses them both before committing public suicide at their mom's funeral.

Non (which may be even more relevant if he's still alive) is overly independent and uncommunicative.

He doesn't tell Jin he has a boyfriend when it's clear Jin's trying to make a move on him, event though Non's not interested. He hides very important things from Phee. He commits fraud (understandably, but yeah). And yeah, he's justified in his rage and attack but... Does he ever think of how his actions affect other such as Jin, for example, who, in his eyes, is innocent? Not really.

So, amidst a sea of grey characters, White is, funnily enough: white. He's just good. He's done nothing wrong. And the narrative needs him because, when the others die, we'll feel (to different degrees, sure, but still, we will) that there's a reason. Even if we like the characters, those deaths will make sense. But what happens when an innocent man dies? What happens when you kill the man who wasn't even supposed to be there (he joined the trip at the last minute)?

"Oh but White won't die!", I hear you say. "The innocent people never die in slashers!! Only the people who did the killer wrong do!" And that's exactly where I have to disagree.

As @syrena-del-mar says in this post: "DFF is more than just a 90s slasher film imitation". It "sits at a novel intersection of genre: horror slasher on the one hand and BL on the other hand" as @brifrischu puts it here and, for that, it bends expectations and rules and subverts what are natural tropes and events of the slasher archetype. White dying is the sort of thing this narrative, and our inventive genius Sammon, would do. Because... Do you really think they're giving us grey characters instead of black ones because we're supposed not to question this revenge? Because we're supposed to be happy about this? No. Of course not. That would be dumb. If we're meant to 100% side with the killer, then why give us likeable characters as the targets? Because, and this is as much speculation as it is reading the room, we're not.

This story, I don't know how it will end, but regardless I'm pretty confident it's supposed to tell us something important about cycles of violence: that they're neverending until someone chooses peace instead. That aggression and bloodshed and revenge... They won't bring time back, they won't undo the mistakes we make, they won't restore that which is lost, they won't make the grief go away... That they won't make us feel better. More even: that they will only hurt more people, create more injustice and prompt more revenge. And, thus, perpetuate the cycle.

So what's White's role? Being the final drop into our collective cup of realization (and perhaps the characters' as well) that this revenge mission is pointless and won't solve anything. White's role is to die.

"Oh, but uncle Dang was also innocent! Is his death not enough??", I hear you ask. And well... Maybe, maybe not. I think, honestly, his death is too impersonal for us to feel too deeply about it. Like, sure, yes, it is the death of an innocent, but it's a distant innocent. It doesn't make our blood boil because we don't know shit about that man. But, for all we don't know of White's past, we've seen him cry, we've seen him scared, we've seen him fight for his life, we've seen him be a good boyfriend and a good friend. He might just be some dude but we like him. He's the fandom's babyboy, as I said. It is more impactful and it tells the story better.

But this is just a hypothesis. And it might not convince you. And that's fair. So, because I'm a persistent obnoxious fucker with a little too much free time, I'm bringing you a second theory. For this one, though... You might need a little tinfoil hat... Be prepared.

White ≠ Who He Says He Is

So, if you think just having a character be hollow and pure good in a show of very fleshed-out and grey characters is weird, even if he might be narratively relevant, then we can only assume there's something important to White's character we don't know about yet. (I'm adding this in retrospective because I forgot but this idea came to me partially from @yellingaboutkp and their great analysis of horns in the show that you can find here)

But what could that be? We've seemingly seen all the flashbacks we needed from everyone, White doesn't seem very relevant to anyone's storyline but Tee's but... We'd assume if there was something directly connected to Tee's actions and White that we needed to see, we would've. Admittedly, the next episode seems to be on its way to tell us what Tee knows about what happened to Non and Keng while they were captured by the mafia and he could be there but I think, honestly, that it goes deeper than that. And here's why: because there's a person who's even more of an odd one out then White: whoever Perth's character is.

Now, he would've been completely unsuspicious if it wasn't for one thing: Perth's presence in the promotion of this series. He's just... Always there, somehow? Like, his character has only really appeared last episode massaging Tee's uncle but he's constantly talking about this series. Plus, his name is very well credited. AND, the absolute cherry on top, his character appears in THIS poster:

Now, yeah, I understand Marketing and Publicity (it's part of my Master's, you don't have to explain it to me). So, I know this could very well just be a strategy to sell the series. After all, Perth did get a lot of attention after The Hidden Character, I know, I know. It's also a way to put his name out there for other future roles, kinda like a soft launch. Plus, this is the show that killed Us's character first when he was one of the most popular actors in the cast. HOWEVER, I'd argue that, considering the previously mentioned attention to detail, they would not have given one of their rising stars a role in this series if it wasn't important. Like... No other background character without lines (so far) was given an important actor to play it. So pardon me, but I don't buy it. Perth's character's gotta matter somehow. And, back to what I was saying, I think the next episode will be exactly where.

See, I made a poll here on the hellsite asking what y'all think happened to Non. It's this one. And it shows that, overwhelmingly, we all think Non is alive BECAUSE he was helped by the man himself:

Now, if we're assuming Perth's character's the one that's gonna help Non (and possibly Keng or maybe not, idk and it really doesn't matter for now), we've gotta assume he's a possible suspect for the murderer. And even more so under this optic that Non is alive. Who more than a person whose whole reality seemed to be the mafia and who might've escaped it would be okay with murdering people? Right? Or, on the contrary, that he took a liking to Non and is trying to prevent him from further digging himself a hole in life and is trying to save him from himself.

"Okay, Dante, but, even if that's true, where does White fit in all this?" Glad. You. Asked.

You see, I didn't watch The Hidden Character (and those who did apparently recommend it stays that way). I didn't know any of these people before except those who were in Kinnporsche. And you know what that led me to? Curiously enough, dear reader: confusing Fuaiz with Perth. So, yeah, you know where this is going... White and Perth's character might be related. Brothers, probably.

"All because you think they look alike?" Well, if you ignore the way I just explained how it would tie some very loose ends... Yeah, kinda. BUT, in my defence, it makes a lot of genetic sense.

See, no other characters in the show really look this much alike. Believe me, I tested it.

For this purpose, I tried many different sites but the one that seemed to give me the most reliable results was FaceShape. Most characters got no more than 10%, some even got 0% (e.g. New and Perth's Character). And you wanna know how much White and Perth's character got? Nearly 50%.

For comparison reasons, New and Non who are CANONICALLY brothers, got about 30%.

BUT, if this is not convincing enough, my sister and I (who share EXACTLY the same 2 parents) got lower than them.

(pls ignore the picture, I was trynna make it as accurate as possible so I took a front pic with a neutral expression. also, my sister is censored for privacy reasons)

Now... Will I claim this is irrefutable proof? No. Not at all, but think about it: if White and Perth are related that might maybe explain how Tee and White met. It might also explain that really weird scene in the pre-release trailer (albeit all scenes in that are rather odd) where White-

Yes, thank you, Obi-Wan. And Anakin Tee is looking up at him, as if White has more power than Tee does. Because then, it could probably mean that White knows something and is probably there to do something. What exactly? Idk, man. He could be there to ensure the group remains clueless/confused or that they remain where they need to be for things to work... Or he could be there to try and prevent stuff from happening much to the likeness of what I stated for Perth's character's case.

"Oh, but if he knows something, wouldn't he know what happened to Non? Why would he be curious to watch the recording??"

Well, not necessarily. We know Non is not communicative and that he doesn't typically share his problems with anyone (the exception being Keng, obviously, but then again, the exception confirms the rule). And sure, Keng might be more talkative but idk if he would say something if Non asked him not to. I have a feeling he probably wouldn't (since he has that weird thing JJ mentioned about how he "loves Non" and, therefore, even if he's an abuser, he doesn't perceive himself that way and wouldn't do something he actively thinks would hurt Non). So, while Perth's character would know what happened to Non while he was being held by Tee's uncle and even some things about why he is there, he probably wouldn't know the rest.

But then why would he date Tee? Well, this is a narrative so... Foils are something that can happen. Having White and his relationship with Tee be a parallel to that of Phee and Jin is not weird and, in fact, has happened in the very first episode when both couples arrive at the room where the singles are, in pairs. Therefore, it wouldn't be weird to think of White as someone who maybe also fell in love with the guy that was supposed to be a means to an end or, alternatively, and perhaps more interestingly, have White NOT be in love with him and actually succeed, unlike Phee. Thus, drawing the comparison that, while Tee and White are in a relationship, White didn't fall in love and, inversely, while Phee and Jin aren't in a relationship, Phee did fall in love.

And this would mean that all we've seen of White's fear might, in fact, be an act to throw suspicion off of him. Or even more justified because he knows exactly what's lurking in the woods... After all, why would he suddenly join Jin's goodbye party if he's not a friend of Jin's? What reason better than to tag along your boyfriend's getaway with his friends if not to protect him from the terrible consequences of his actions?

But I get it. It's an extremely convoluted theory and, in all honesty, maybe makes the show more dull and boring if it's true because... Why would they repeat this "secret brother" twist? Or the dating with second intentions trope? It could be a narrative parallel, yes, but I can also definitely see how people could point that out as uncreative or lazy writing.

Either way: these thoughts were circling around my head and, before the next episode confirms or destroys them, I wanted to get them out into the world for y'all to, maybe, hopefully, join in on the hype for it, as it's less than 24h 'till it airs. Hope in that I was successful, at the very least.

Anyway... As usual feel free to (politely) argue with me, tell me I'm wrong, tell me I missed this and that, add to it, etc... Because if there's one thing I currently love more than DFF itself, it's definitely the fandom and I want us to make the most of it!!

I'll see y'all tomorrow when we're freaking out about episode 10!!!

All the love! 💜💜💜

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inthemaelstrom · 6 months ago

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So we're about six weeks out from another "most important election of my lifetime" and it's predictably making me literally sick to my stomach. When Trumpacabra got elected in 2016, I threw myself into politics in a way I never had in my lifetime and it almost wrecked me. I was one of those people who never voted for religious reasons (long, separate story) and I felt I had to make up for lost time. By the time 2020 rolled around, I was an unhealthy mess. I had stopped reading. Everything. When I wasn't watching MSNBC and political commentators obsessively, I started consuming absolute junk TV: home improvement shows, crack paranormal ghost hunter crap, etc. Things with no plot, no emotional investment, no danger. No fear.

Right before the 2020 election, old fanfic friends from my days in the Master and Apprentice Star Wars listserv found me and saved me.

They dragged me back into fandom, introduced me to Discord, and got me writing again. I updated a story I hadn't touched in 5 years. I made new friends online and in RL. I got some great fiction and fic recs from those friends and discovered a subgenre called Hopepunk—low stakes fiction with very little if any violence and fear and with happy endings. (Becky Chambers writes a lot of what I read, and Amy Crook has also become a favorite.)

One morning, I had one of those really vivid, realistic, linear plot dreams that literally dragged me out of bed to the keyboard. It was a meet-cute modern au of The Phantom Menace's characters, set in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I cranked out about 2000 words the first day. Then another 2000. Then another 2000. Then another 2000. And so on every damn day for the next four years until I had four novels, about 668k words, several timestamps written by three other collaborators who've come on board, some beautiful art I've been allowed to use, and now a fifth book in the works.

This is the Yooperverse.

It's not just The Fic That Saved Me, it's the place where I'm writing a vision of what the world could be like into being. A place where people with fucking obscene amounts of money don't spend it on themselves, or hoard it, or exploit other people to get more, but use it to help other people. It's a place where people who are bigoted dicks either get their comeuppance and crawl back under their rocks, or learn better and do better. It's a place where abused kids get rescued, everybody gets therapy and healthcare and is paid a living wage, people learn to value themselves and each other, and protect each other and defend each other. It's kinky and queer (although I'm neither) and above all, if not entirely safe to be both, I'm trying to write both things as just being another setting on the dryer. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It's not a utopia, by any means, because there are still assholes and the government is still ... the government, and capitalism is still a thing. There's some danger, especially in the first book, and there are accidents and illnesses and the vagaries of life. In the middle of the series, I had spinal surgery and was out of commission for a few months and that made me start thinking more about my main character dealing with aging and the limitations thereof. There's a LOT of mental health issues and the working through thereof, and a lot of ongoing process. Nobody's perfect. The world outside is still pretty much what it is. But in the little corners where my characters dwell, life is pretty dang good, sometimes great.

It's a vision of a life we all deserve. It's the thing I loved about Star Trek's universe, where people's basic needs are cared for and the obstacles to them developing their best selves removed. It's what I've loved about science fiction in general, especially Ursula LeGuin's: that opportunity to explore possibilities that are better than the present. It's modeled on the MacArthur Genius grants, but you don't have to prove your worthiness first. My main character invests in people's potential, young or old, with scholarships and grants and a steadying hand. His partner builds low or no-cost housing for people in need. There's an informal network of queer and straight kid rescuing going on under the noses of unfriendly governments and failed social service safety nets. The main characters build refuges, literal and emotional. They love each other fiercely and respectfully.

Right now, we're living in a country that is almost the antithesis of these ideas, for far too many of us. People are being manipulated by their fears, which are stoked by unscrupulous, lying shitbag politicians whose all too real evil would never make it past the pitch if you were going to try to sell it as a TV show or movie. They're consciously turning us on each other with lies about our common humanity, about the state of our country, about who and what's responsible for many of its faults, sewing suspicion and hate. And though the Yooperverse started as my personal comfort fic, I'm trying in my very small way to counteract what's happening in the world right now.

I've always believed in the power of story to change people's minds and lives, and I've experienced it myself. When I talk about story, I don't just mean fiction, though. I mean the narratives we tell ourselves and others about our own lives as a whole and day by day or moment by moment. I mean the stories we tell about each other when we're together, at the bar, at wakes, at a party. I mean the stories we invest in as fans in whatever kind of media we consume. I mean the stories we spin for ourselves and others to explain what the everloving fuck is wrong with the world.

Stories aren't separate from the world, they are the world. They tell it into being. They give it shape and purpose and meaning and a sense of possibility. Whatever stories we tell ourselves or each other about how things should be or how we should act as human beings (also called our "beliefs" or "morals" or "ethics"), they shape us, and we shape society. We are society, both together and as individuals. One person with a big voice and a story can tip a mass of people into either violence or solidarity.

I have no illusions that the Yooperverse will ever have that kind of power. It has a tiny audience on AO3 and Discord and it's mostly written for me to explore the things I feel deeply about, and wish I could do, and to teach myself to be a better person and live up to my own ideals. It's a world I'd like to manifest, to call into being, even in a small way. Even if it's just a story.

#fiction #why we write #us politics #the power of stories

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arysthaeniru · 2 months ago

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I finally watched the Like A Dragon TV show, and man. Woof. Real mixed bag.

Now, I wasn't immediately biased against the show like most Yakuza fans were, when I heard they were deviating from canon a fair bit. I'm not somebody who's slavish to canon or timelines or lore or anything. I don't care if they change details or characters if it leads to a tighter, more coherent show. This is why Elementary is the superior modern-day Sherlock Holmes adaptation, despite deviating heavily from details/lore in the original books. This is pretty much always been my fundamental opinion about any adaptation--different things work for different mediums.

Also, judging by my nearly 200,000 word fixit fic I wrote--I'm not exactly fond of the plot of Yakuza 1. I was pretty excited to see something a bit different, taking the basic elements of Yakuza 1 and updating them to make coherent/thematic sense.

So, let's start with the things I liked. I was so excited about the first scene of the first episode, as a woman lover. Yumi and Miho are characters??? Real characters with personality and agency?? I was so goddamn excited, because that's literally all my Yakuza fanfic has been-me trying to bring women to life (and the gay agenda). It also felt like really good foreshadowing--oh look! Here's Yumi planning and executing a heist perfectly (Nishiki and Kiryu are the ones who fucked up!), cut to 10 years in the future, where she'll do the same thing again, with much bigger stakes. It felt resonant and promising. I feel like throughout the show, Yumi and Miho felt like real women, with real personalities and desires, and the very first scene helps build that up.

I also quite liked the change to Kazama! I liked him as the caretaker of the orphanage, I liked him as the retired Dragon of Dojima. I like that the 'Dragon of Dojima' was the title given to Dojima's best prize fighter in the ring. The moniker 'Dragon of Dojima' NEVER made sense for Kiryu , especially after the backstory of Yakuza 0 kind of fucked up the way that Kiryu's backstory worked when the game first released in 2005. After Yakuza 0 and Kiryu's animosity with Dojima, the moniker was weird and felt shoehorned in. This show's interpretation felt like a much more natural title--and I liked the obvious, immediate, dramatic irony that Kiryu and Nishiki look down upon and resent Kazama their guardian, while also idolizing Kazama's dirty past as a yakuza. It felt resonant to the main theme of the Yakuza series: that family keep making the same mistakes as each other, over and over again. You can try all you like to protect your children and family from harm and from the truth--but they will make all the same mistakes that you did, over and over again, because the Yakuza world is this drainpipe down which lives are ruined. I liked that! I liked how desperate to stop them Kazama is throughout this show, and yet how powerless he is. Kazama in the main game was too powerful and omnipotent, so his inaction in the main game felt cruel, because of how powerful and influential he was within the yakuza world. By recasting him as a civilian who has no influence, it's tragic and absolves him of the complicated role he plays in Kiwami 1.

(It's why I hate Episodes 5/6 where they, without fanfare, undo that status quo with no explanation or reason, but it seemed initially promising!)

I liked the relationship between all four of the Sunflower Kids, it felt easy and natural, the characters all had decent chemistry (except Yumi and Nishiki's actors, who never interact EVER until Episode 5....we'll get back to that.) Miho's actor is DELIGHTFUL, and you really do get the sense that she was the emotional glue of the group that held them together. Her death being the catalyst for everything going wrong is not only well-framed by the narrative, but feels plausible because of just how well they set her up as bubbly and personable.

They removed the politician plotline and Jingu entirely. Neither element ever really fitted into the original game's story well, and although I did my best with it in my fanfic, I agree with the TV show's choice to excise it completely.

Also, as convoluted as it was, I liked the events that lead to Dojima's death. Clearly, the showrunners wanted to avoid the whole 'Yumi-gets-raped-loses-her-memory-from-the-trauma-and-Nishiki-kills-Dojima-on-a-whim'. I think that was a good choice! Yumi's rape is never given real weight within the game's story, so removing it entirely is fine to me. I liked the show writers collapsing the two storylines about Nishiki's murders into one.

Dojima is now instrumental to Miho's death, and cons Nishiki out of a great sum of money, instead of that rando subordinate that was introduced in Kiwami 1. I really like that Nishiki didn't shoot Dojima out of recklessness, but out of a desire to see him dead for using Miho as a pawn in his gamble for money. I think it's better characterization for Nishiki, and it's a great springing off point that leads us to Nishiki and Kiryu both despising the yakuza in 2005.

I like Miho and Kiryu's parallels throughout the show, as these people who are committed to overworking and living in the moment. Neither character cares especially much about the future--they're living in the present, and that's something the show both glorifies and makes tragic in a really interesting way. (Also, it really vindicates my own characterization, where I parallel Kiryu/Yuko and Nishiki/Yumi as foil of each other). I also like that Kiryu and Yumi are the ones present at her funeral and in her last moments, while Nishiki is embroiled in the money problems, the yakuza intrigue. Instead of spending his last moments with her, Nishiki goes after revenge. It's good! It's such a compelling flaw to give Nishiki's character.

Nishiki's actor in general is just a delight! Both young goofy Nishiki and cold, adult Nishiki are played so well! Clearly whoever wrote this script was a Nishiki fan, there's so many small little lines and details that aren't from the games, but feel so in-line with the games. I really like that at the beginning of the 2005 segment, while he's not exactly on GOOD terms with Yumi or Kiryu, he's at least paying lipservice to the idea that they're his family. He's Yumi's boss, and he does a sake ceremony with Kiryu to welcome him back to the yakuza. It feels more realistic, rather than the complete betrayal that the games gives him. It's good!

I like the actor for Date! He was truly giving it his all. I also liked the Florist's den looking more realistic-he's still got all his creepy surveillance, but he doesn't have the world's most absurd underground hideout anymore, with the tackiest aquarium I've ever seen. It's a more more plausible little internet cafe set-up. I LOVE his squad of surveillance grannies, its tone fits in with the goofier shit in the video games, and it's one of the only moments of levity in this VERY serious show. I also like them painting the Florist as an exploitative scumbag-it's weird that Yakuza 1 tries to make you Date's best friend, but also is like 'so that guy who fucked over Date and other civilians, the Florist of Sai? he's a good guy, don't worry about it.' Preferred it this way!

And I really liked that they didn't fuck around with 'Yumi-is-pretending-to-be-her-nonexistent-older-sister', and this meant that Kiryu and Yumi got to interact a bit as they tried to solve the plot! It was nice! I liked seeing them try to figure out what it's like to be adults in each others' presence again. The one scene where they're eating in a izakaya together and Kiryu compliments her on being a good eater--there's such a tenderness and fondness to the scene that is so rarely present in any of the 2005 segments, that it genuinely took me by surprise.

I think....that's all I liked about the show. The rest of it was. Hoo boy. My ranting and fury under the cut.

Many people have also pointed this out, but I have to agree: this show's Kiryu is #NotMyKiryu. I got used to the fact his actor looked a bit lankier and more conventionally attractive than I wanted him to be--but this Kiryu is abrasive, aggressive and vainglorious--both in 1995 and at the beginning of 2005. I could maybe justify a story where he starts young, proud and foolish in 1995, and then matured to become the Kiryu we know in the games by 2005. But to start the 2005 segments with Kiryu not even being curious about his old friends, Kamurocho, or the prospect of a yakuza war felt wrong! Kiryu is a man who is kind and who cares so deeply and openly about things! And although this Kiryu is strong and silent, and loves his family, he's lacking that basic decency and kindness towards strangers that makes Kiryu Kazuma a compelling character in the first place!

Which is a shame, because the actor really grew on me, especially after seeing that little karaoke segment he's recorded as a spoof. He's got the sauce, he CAN convince me that he's Kiryu--the script is just so poorly suited for him.

On a solely visual level, I felt like the action scenes were kinda boring? The closest we get to interesting fight choreography is the one time that Kiryu is boxing against this capoeira artist in 1995? But every other fight has no visual panache--which is a shame, for something that's adapting a game with some very cool fight scenes. I wanted to see some visual representations of cool heat actions on screen!!! While I certainly like how no-nonsense all of Kiryu's fights in 2005 are--how he's fully unfazed by any opponent, I do think that just because Kiryu is bored of the fight, doesn't mean we should be. I would have liked to see some more interesting fight choreography, especially for the repetitive underground fighting scenes we constantly see, which are all kind of boring.

Because the plot is so breakneck and frenetic, as it transitions back-and-forth and back-and-forth from the past to the present, there were precious few quiet moments in the show. I LOVED what little we got between the Sunflower kids, but there was a real missed opportunity to characterize Kiryu better, because of their insistence on excising the sidequests entirely. The show could have really used some quiet scenes of seeing Kiryu do karaoke, or talk to the okamas in the Champion District, or help kids collect their trading cards, or play racing games--the scenes that establish that Kiryu is an earnest, open, honest man who loves the world, even when the world has been cruel to him. In a world filled with grumpy antiheroes who eventually learn to do this right thing--Kiryu was refreshing! He's a man who already knows what the right thing is--the conflict is his dismay at how much of the new world DOESN'T know what the right thing is. It's frustrating to see the TV show cut out all light-heartedness in order to make it a serious TV drama. Yakuza as a series is distinctive and at its best when tonally dissonant. The games move from great tragedy to great absurdity at breakneck speed--it's a commentary on the absurd nature of Kamurocho and the floating world--something that has been part of literary depictions of Japanese red-light districts for quite some time. It's a fundamental part of the Yakuza series' unique aesthetic, and taking that away leaves us with this generic yakuza soap opera.

And like. I KNOW that by this point, older gruff man has to learn how to parent a small, young girl is a tired trope. It's a tired trope in video games and it's DEFINITELY a tired trope in TV/film. But goddamn it, Yakuza 1 did it back in 2005, it wasn't boring back then, and you didn't need to change it! It is THE central emotional thread of Yakuza 1, and it's one of the only themes in Yakuza 1 that actually meaningfully hits. Kiryu and Haruka's parent-child relationship is the core of this whole series. All of the substories in Kiwami 1 CONSTANTLY underpin that this game is questioning: what does it mean to be a father? Kiryu's relationship to Nishiki and Kazama is premised around the question, 'what does it mean to be a good parent?' AND THEY CUT IT OUT ENTIRELY!? Kiryu rescues her once, and then Haruka literally NEVER talks to him! Ever!

It's not like this is replaced by Haruka interacting with Yumi or Aiko, her actual mother. Haruka is simply written out of the show altogether. Haruka exists to be rescued and then be kidnapped. It's tragic. It's boring. It's sad. They cast a charming little child actress to be Haruka too, it felt like a deeply wasted potential.

Speaking of Aiko. I praised them for getting rid of the Yumi-pretends-to-be-her-nonexistent-sister plotline, because it was bad and stupid. They instead replaced it with Yumi-now-has-a-real-sister-who-keeps-ghosting-her-and-also-is-a-dick. Aiko's bad. Aiko's just sort of shitty and selfish and fucks around the show with no motive for doing anything, and with a seeming omnipotence re: plot points. How does Aiko even know that Yumi is looking for her in order to come up with her initial scam? How does she know enough about Reina to be able to get Reina sent to jail? How does she always know where Yumi is, despite Yumi being seemingly unable to ever find her competently? They never really commit to Aiko being a real villain, giving her just enough sympathetic moments (like her dying to save Yumi, and her attempted suicide) for you to not entirely hate her--but then they refuse to give Aiko enough characterization for that humanization to matter. Aiko's main character trait is that she will do anything for a quick buck, no matter how many relationships in her life she ruins as a result. But she never once has a thesis for why money is so important to her. She never has that speech Nishiki does in canon about how being poor makes him feel powerless and resentful. Aiko is just a disappointing combination of tropes about selfish women. A pointless waste of space and a bad backstory for Yumi. I agree with the show-writers' urge to get rid of the fake-sister plotline, but just make Yumi steal the money! Make Haruka her kid! Don't introduce characters who take up precious screentime and suck the life out of the screen every time they show up.

Speaking of things that sucked the life out of the screen--let's talk about the dumb serial killer Demon plot. I don't know what it is with Amazon shows where they are desperate to have some sort of big twist about who their mystery villain is? First there was Rings of Power, where the screenwriters dart around going 'is THIS Sauron?' every five seconds. Now here, where the question of who the Demon was kept being brought up constantly, and without any real stakes or tension. They kept using all the Noh imagery with the masks and the Demons all using knives--clearly to make fans think it was Majima, but like. Of course it fucking wasn't. Of course it was Nishiki. Nishiki is the villain of the game.

But because they want you to think that the Demon is Majima, MAJIMA ISN'T ACTUALLY IN THIS FUCKING TV SHOW. He shows up for like ten minutes in the flashbacks, and he literally NEVER matters to the story. He's in the show purely because the writers didn't want to leave him out. Majima and Kiryu don't even MEET in the 2005 timeline, and in the 1995 timeline KIRYU IS THE ONE WHO ANTAGONIZES MAJIMA. What a weird read of their dynamic! I have no idea who made this decision, but it is reprehensible. Great actor, but what a fucking waste of space and time. Leave him out altogether, rather than have this pisspoor showing where he is entirely irrelevant and also doesn't even make an impression. At least Takeshi Miike's Majima, for all the sins of that movie, was both relevant to the plot and was a fucking riot on screen. you couldn't take your eyes away from the performance. But this interpretation of Majima commits the worst crime--he was boring. And if there's one thing Majima shouldn't be, it's boring.

The Demon is stupid and does stupid things. I loved that part in Episode 5 where the yakuza are meeting up in a Chinese kitchen, clearly speaking to the actor they intend to be Lau Ka Long. He accepts money to go and assassinate Nishikiyama--then instantly everybody involved is killed by the Demon and his people. It's such a pointless scene, done solely to reference Lau Ka Long for people who've played the games, and then the plot does absolutely fuck all with him, killing him immediately. Lau Ka Long has none of the menace and fear he inspires in the regular game (which...maybe for the best, since the game leans into some REAL racist stereotypes about Chinese people), but it doesn't replace it with anything. The scene is empty and hollow.

In general, the Demon is a silent antagonist--so every time the Demon is on-screen, you have the same fight scene plays out. Yakuza characters try to target Nishikiyama or Kiryu, the demons show up and do some violence, the yakuza character for that scene asks the Demon to take off the mask, the Demon refuses, brutally murders them, carves the weird pentagon into their chests, and leaves.

What the fuck is up with that? Why did Nishiki pretend to be an occult killer at all? Why didn't he just....you know...kill people? With a gun? I'm not saying I couldn't have been sold on this idea. But they didn't try selling it to me at all.

They could have had Nishiki complain about how he needed to create a boogeyman against whom he could prove his own wit (so he could reach a position where he can destroy the Tojo Clan). You could have had Nishiki slyly boast about how, in order to avoid suspicion in his blatant targeting of all his political enemies, he made up a fake serial killer with an occult symbol, so people would think a crazy cult killed them, instead of putting-two-and-two together about why these yakuza died. We instead get a big fat....nothing.

All of the Yakuza characters figure out Nishiki is the Demon in Episode 5, WITHOUT ANY OF THEM ACTUALLY HAVING TO DISCUSS THE PATTERN OF DEATHS OR THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL. EVERYBODY JUST SUDDENLY HAS THIS REALIZATION, ALL AT ONCE, INCLUDING KIRYU AND YUMI WHO ARE NOT TUNED INTO THE DEMON SHIT AT ALL, AND EVERYBODY JUST INSTANTLY TURNS ON NISHIKI AT ONCE. FOR VIBES ALONE. I'm not kidding. It's insane. It feels like they cut out a huge chunk of show here, because this feels like it might have been a out-of-place but competently written murder story in a previous draft, for when they had eight episodes. I bet their budget got cut though, and they had to cut all of that out. The result is unfinished, choppy, and dumb.

Also...the Omi Clan play a MUCH bigger role here than they do in Yakuza 1, and I think it's a bad and stupid role. For one, the Omi Clan are now saddled with being the ones stupid enough to have 10 BILLION FUCKING YEN STASHED IN CASH. But wait--it gets worse! They don't even have the excuse of Yumi and Kazama working together to defraud the Tojo from their influential positions within the organization. No! The Omi Clan is stupid enough to send 10 billion yen onto the road with only FOUR MEN AS GUARDS. Four men who are stupid enough to be defeated by Aiko and her stupid boyfriend. I know that TECHNICALLY, Nishiki's behind this, but that's glossed over so quickly that it turns to farce. It's ludicrous. What the fuck???

The Omi Clan don't even really seem to want their money back, instead deciding for...no reason at all, that regardless of if they get their money back or not, they're going to start a clan war with the Tojo and kill them all. In broad daylight. ???? Why? They just decided to attack Tojo in their home territory, without any money or resources? Are they STUPID?

This show is clearly angling to get a sequel, judging by the final shot of the show and the suspense they're trying to build up there, but now they've gotten rid of the main antagonist of Yakuza 2, The Omi Clan! They all get arrested/beaten up by Majima at the conclusion of the stupid clan war in Episode 6. What the fuck do you do in your shitty sequel now?

They included the Omi Clan, just to have a familiar name. It bears no resemblance to the actual yakuza organization we see in the games. They're just antagonists, for the sake of having a big epic fight at the end of the show. And this proclivity to include something by name, because it references the games, but then to fully squander or waste them in these two-bit shitty roles, happens CONSTANTLY throughout the show.

It happens with Shibusawa, it happens with Shimano, it happens with Shindo, it happens with Sagawa, it happens even with fucking REINA! Just these namedrops because they're important names--but just doing nothing with them at all! Shibusawa is a smarmy little two-bit yakuza mentor who exists to die in front of Kiryu and Nishiki. Shimano is this smarmy, douchey low-level yakuza who seems to be fighting against Nishikiyama entirely AND SIDES WITH KAZAMA IN ORDER TO DISMANTLE THE TOJO CLAN IN THE LAST EPISODE. Which is something that Shimano would rather commit suicide than do. Shindo is a random thug who exists to get punched and then killed. Sagawa is just a random namedrop of an Omi patriarch who briefly kidnaps Kiryu/Yumi, and doesn't really matter at all to the story at all. Reina is Yumi's boss--but that's it! She doesn't matter, she doesn't do anything interesting or say anything to the girls about what a woman's role in the yakuza world ought to be.

I don't hate it when adaptations change the story and characters. I'm usually pretty positive about it! But this isn't a thoughtful reinvention of characters. It's a lazy reference for reference's sake, because the scriptwriters thought it would be too difficult to incorporate these large personalities/storylines into the script, so they decided to just namedrop them. That'll make the fans excited, right? Just hearing the name of a Yakuza character means they'll have a Pavlovian response and that'll make them forget that this is a bad show with horrible pacing, right?

And the new characters they add are just...weird? What's with the random white people? What the purpose of that white businessman that Kazama knows but Dojima doesn't? Why does his white sister have so much fucking weight in 1995? They take up so much fucking room in the flashback sequence--only to not matter at all to the main storyline? I briefly thought that the white lady was the Demon, because they keep zooming in on her face. After all, hannya in noh plays are representative of scorned/wronged women--and she's brutally assaulted and her brother is murdered horribly, so I wondered if that was maybe where they were going? But nope. It never matters. All that matters is that they owned the land for the Millennium Tower, and then they're dead and never matter again. It's edited SO weirdly.

Speaking of women--as much as I was happy about the way the show tries desperately to flesh out Yumi and Miho as real people, it's not quite successful at it. In the 1995 timeline, there's a brief scene where we see that everything about hostess life makes Yumi uncomfortable--the drinking, the flattering men's egos, the pretense of being sexually available. Unlike Miho, in the show, Yumi is not a natural hostess. This is in direct contrast to the games, where Yumi is depicted over and over again as the PERFECT hostess. I was intrigued by this change at first, especially since Miho is shown to be the natural instead, despite only being 15-16. I thought it might say something about performance, about women's roles within the misogynistic structure of the yakuza? Or if they didn't want to have too much of a take, that this characterization might lead to some sort of tension between Yumi and Miho, that Yumi might be jealous of Miho's natural ability, or angry that circumstances have put them in a situation that exploits Miho's youth. But nothing comes of it! Yumi and Miho's differing opinions about hostessing never boil up into something significant. And in 2005, Yumi's a successful hostess, who works/owns a prestigious bar at the top of the Millennium Tower, and she works for Nishiki's sector of the yakuza, and everything's fine. She never talks about hostessing in the 2005 timeline, despite that being her main job. It never once matters to her character. It's BIZARRE. I just keep thinking--why include that scene of her discomfort then? This show's editing is so ODD.

As for the relationship problems between Nishiki and Yumi--well. It's pretty weird. In the 1995 timeline, we get touching moments between Nishiki and Kiryu, Nishiki and Miho, Miho and Yumi, Yumi and Kiryu, and Miho and Kiryu. Nishiki barely has a relationship with Yumi. It doesn't really matter that much in the first 4 episodes, they all like each other as a group, and you buy it. Which is why it's so weird that after Miho's death, he gets mad at Yumi for not doing enough to stop her illness and THEN gets mad at her for liking Kiryu and then tries to forcefully kiss her. Unlike other Nishiki stans, I'm not the sort of person that denies Nishiki's incel behaviour--I do think it's a fundamental aspect of his character and inferiority complex. He loves Yumi and Kiryu equally, and it is more socially appropriate for him to go after Yumi, and it infuriates him that when it comes down to it, Kiryu and Yumi like each other a bit better, shutting him out of the equation altogether. But there is like NO setup for this dynamic in the show.

Even though I HATE that tutorial sequence in Yakuza 1 with a burning passion for how fucking boring it is--it does set up the emotional stakes of why Nishiki's so MAD about Kiryu and Yumi. It's Yumi's birthday, something that Nishiki has been planning for for months. He's staked out an expensive jewellery present, he's saved up his salary for it, and he's certain it's going to be a slam-dunk gift! However, Nishiki being a cis man obsessed with wealth, hasn't actually paid attention to Yumi's taste--it's flashy and bright, because that's what Nishiki himself values, and thinks all women will value. Yumi isn't a person with tastes to him, he;s bought into her hostess persona. Kiryu, on the other hand, doesn't even know it's Yumi's birthday until Nishiki starts bragging about the present. He has to go get a last minute present, and the only reason Kiryu even gets her anything even vaguely close to her taste is because Reina (who actually pays attention to Yumi as a person) tells him what to buy. Nishiki, not knowing what Reina did for Kiryu, KNOWS that Kiryu's present is a last-minute purchase, one without any thought behind it, and yet, despite it all, Yumi likes it more--something that baffles him. Boring as it is, this scene is crucial characterization that shows us that Nishiki does put in effort to woo Yumi, but doesn't really understand her, and it breeds resentment and jealousy that Kiryu effortlessly obtains both women and yakuza status without trying, two things that Nishiki has to sweat and bleed to get anywhere close to. It's the crux of who he is.

The show doesn't do ANYTHING close to that. Nishiki barely pays attention to her in 1995, and then kisses her while crazy with grief about Miho, and gets mad when she doesn't reciprocate his sup-until-that-point non-existent feelings. It is not this burning underlying resentment that stokes his entire character anymore, and as such, it feels pointless. It exists solely to make the relationship between Nishiki and Yumi tense in 2005--but not in a way that's actually compelling. It just means Yumi has a reason for telling Kiryu to not trust Nishiki (even though he's not actually done a SINGLE thing to betray them yet.) It's weird. Why not cut the more useless scenes I highlighted before to build this up instead, if it was going to matter? But it also DOESN'T matter in 2005! In 2005, Nishiki's NOT actually angry about Kiryu and Yumi's relationship, he's mad about Miho! He wants to destroy the Tojo Clan for their role in her death and he wants Kiryu to die because he blames him still, for not losing that fight. Yumi doesn't thematically matter in 2005, despite her increased screentime, and it feels so pointless.

(Also, I hate the whole long extended sequence of Yumi and Kiryu talking about nothing for like a whole FIVE MINUTES after Nishiki runs off to go and kill Dojima in Episode 5. It's pointless, it's boring and the actress for Yumi is not quite good enough to pull off any of these complicated emotions. I dislike how impotent they make her, she just sits around and cries and blames them both for not doing enough. It drags so much and contributes nothing).

Speaking of Kiryu's role in Miho's death--small nitpick here, but I do wish they'd made Nishiki's unwillingness to drug Kiryu his own choice, instead of making Yumi/Kazama call him out after he fails to drug Kiryu subtly enough? I wish Nishiki had been torn between drugging Kiryu or saving his sister's life--and had organically chosen to trust Kiryu to throw the match on his own. I hate that it highlights Nishiki's incompetence as the only reason why he resorts to asking Kiryu anything. I think it's MUCH more devastating if Nishiki begs Kiryu to lose of his own volition, and Kiryu still can't convincingly throw the match, even though he wants to. I think it would be more tragic, it would have more sauce. As is, the scene paints Nishiki as more pathetic than morally compromised/ruthless, which is what I think they were going for instead.

Finally, I think I'm just a bit confused by the ending? It feels...odd? The ending of Yakuza 1 is DEVASTATING, that's kind of the point. This pointless, stupid yakuza war takes away every member of Kiryu's family: Kazama, Yumi and Nishiki, leaving him to pick up the pieces with Haruka. It's a condemnation of greed--the Millennium Tower exploding and the money spreading across all of Kamurocho is the literal culmination of how pointless this entire battle was. The narrative is attempting to show Kiryu that he cannot return the yakuza to a golden age of glory--all he can do is find his own peace and protect those he loves. It's a lesson that Kiryu refuses to learn, of course, but then, that's the tragedy of the Yakuza series. But everybody's alive at the end of this show. Kazama, Yumi AND Nishiki all still live. It's....weird.

Especially with the sequel baiting--with Kiryu relaizing in the last shot of the show that Kazama was the former Dragon of Dojima--what does the show expect to do with that? Have some dumb thing where Kiryu, Nishiki and Yumi team up against their dad? I just don't understand how the showrunners thought the rest of the story would progress in a reality where Kiryu doesn't have any sort of relationship with Haruka, in a world where all of his family is still alive and well, and in a world without an Omi Clan? Like...what do they plan on doing? Something stupid, no doubt.

Also Kazama's actions in 2005 are dumb. I hate how he's like 'we must pacify the Omi by selling out Nishiki,' but it's NOT EVEN A CLEVER OR USEFUL PLAN. The one thing the games try to establish about Kazama is that he's a mastermind, he's clever and he's manipulating things. Kazama double-dealing with the Omi Clan in the original game is not out-of-character, even if it is a surprise. But here, where he's retired and has no influence anymore, the fact that he can suggest something like this AND GET HIS WAY, is absurd???? I thought his animosity towards Nishiki, while certainly cold in the games, made sense, considering Nishiki's open resentment of both Kiryu and Kazama. But Kazama and Nishiki barely interact AT ALL in this show. So his whole 'Nishiki is the Demon and I have to rally everybody else to oppose him' feels weird. He clearly feels paternal things for Yumi and Kiryu still--why did he not even TRY to talk to Nishiki in this version? It's just....cold? Empty? Which is such a shame, because by making Kazama the orphanage director, there's a lot to say about power and happiness being diametric opposites, and how Kazama chose happiness, and how he's trying to convince his kids to do the same. But he doesn't really ever try to convince Nishiki of anything, he jumps straight to wielding power that Episode 1 shows us he DOESN'T have. It's bizarre.

It really contributes to my theory that there were supposed to be two more episodes to this show, because the pacing and the plot points are just so all over the place. Whoever tried to edit around the patches made a valiant effort, but you really can't edit around lengthy plotlines without things being thrown off.

Ultimately, the yakuza tv series is just not very good--and is honestly the worst possible thing an adaptation can be--Boring.

#yakuza #yakuza tv series #like a dragon tv show #like a dragon #kiryu #nishikiyama #sawamura yumi #all the people who say this show has nothing of merit whatsoever are exaggerating #but it's still not very good sadly

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ethereal-angel111 · 6 months ago

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Things I’m doing in 2025 for the biggest glow up in history

Step 1: Screen time limits and no more doomscrolling. I’m going to be putting limits on certain apps the only social media apps that won’t have limits is Pinterest and YouTube

Step 2: Mindful eating! My goal is to lose weight but why go on a stressful diet when you can just manifest it lolz. But I do feel the need to be slightly healthier than what I am at the moment. Also gonna work on manifesting that everything I eat is healthy even if others see it as “unhealthy” cuz I’ve seen that manifestation work for a lot of other people :)

Step 3: Get some sort of exercise daily. Doesn’t matter what it is or when I do it it just needs to happen at least once per day

Step 4: Live in the end and be delusional. My goal is to live like I already have everything I desire and to stop caring about the 3D and other peoples input.

Step 5: manifest, affirm and persist as much as possible. Pretty self explanatory lol

Step 6: achieve desired style and aesthetic. I’ve been pretty unhappy with my current aesthetic so I wanna work on that

Step 7: have so many hobbies and be good at all of them. Right now I don’t have many hobbies and I never work on them ever but I wanna change that in 2025! The main hobbies I wanna work on is art, dancing, singing/rapping, fashion, makeup, editing, journaling, and content creation

Step 8: Grow on social media! I want to be popular online and have my desired fans/fanbase!

Step 9: Make and listen to lots of subliminals. My goal is to have a subliminal go up on my channel at least twice a week! I also want to listen to my sub playlist at least once a day

Step 10: Develop an unbreakable mindset. I want my mindset to be perfect and 100% unstoppable! I’m actually working on this one right now so I can be prepared for the new year

Step 11: Become my OC irl!!! This is one of my main manifestations but in the new year I wanna work on this one on a new level. I made my OC to be my dream self before I even found out about manifestation. I thought there was no way I could be like her so I would just daydream about her constantly but now that I know about manifestation I know becoming her irl is possible

Step 12: Treating myself like a god/deity. I already do this one a lot and I talk about it a lot because I swear by it!! I wanna take it to the next level in the new year tho because I deserve it <3

Step 13: Always feel motivated/inspired. Pretty self explanatory tbh but I feel like I need to bring my motivation and inspiration back from the dead

Step 14: stop doing the things I want to stop doing. Bad habits and anything I want to stop is gonna be out after new years. Skin picking is the biggest thing I want to stop but I have multiple things on the list of things I wanna stop doing

Step 15: connect with Mother Earth more. I love her and I want to spend more time with her 💚💚 I feel that spending time in nature and with Mother Earth is important and I don’t do it enough

Step 16: stop being afraid or embarrassed to do things. I’m gonna do whatever I want when I want fuck embarrassment it’s literally a societal construct. I’m not gonna limit myself or my life to make it more palatable to others

Step 17: post lots. I wanna learn to post a lot online while also not spending all my time doomscrolling on social media. Also I wanna make up for all the negativity and over sharing I posted on social media in the past by posting fun, creative and nice posts

Step 18: MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY!! I’m the main character and I’m gonna act like it. The whole world is gonna see me as the main character of life! >:3

Step 19: live like your dream self. Before I do literally anything I’m going to think “would my dream self do this?” Or “what would my dream self do right now.” This mindset will help me become my dream self so quickly I can feel it!

Step 20: become a global well loved it girl. Not much to say about this one lol

Step 21: take lots of pics and vids for memories. I used to take so many pictures and videos all the time to look back on and now I never do which is kind of sad

Step 22: prove everyone wrong. I wanna show everyone that they should have never doubted me or given up on me. I want everyone who ever treated me wrong to realize how much they fumbled

Step 23: spoiling myself and letting others spoil me. I deserve princess treatment from everyone including myself :)

Step 24: no more procrastination, if it needs to be done then do it ASAP. I’m sick of never getting anything done and stressing about shit I don’t need to be stressing about

Step 25: move out. I need my own place desperately y’all don’t even know LOL

Step 26: get the income of my dreams. I’m sick of having no money y’all

Step 27: get dream job/jobs. I wanna be a full time artist, idol, and content creator. I wanna start my own business and stuff! ૮꒰ྀི >⸝⸝⸝<꒱ྀིა

Step 28: achieve my dream sleep schedule. I wanna wake up at 9:30am and be asleep by 12:00am every night. I’ve already been working on this one a ton and I’m doing really well!

Step 29: manifest/work on achieving my dream appearance and personality. This is one of the biggest things I wanna manifest and work on in 2025!

Step 30: meditate and journal daily. I used to do this all the time and it had so many benefits so I definitely wanna start getting back into it

Step 31: look into dreams and their meanings. I’ve heard a lot of people talk about gaining a lot of insight on their life through learning about their dreams and what they mean so I want to give it a try

Step 32: be grateful for everything and show gratitude for the present instead of constantly complaining about it. I’ve heard people talk about how this mindset helped them manifest faster and I personally feel that this is a beneficial mindset to have even if you aren’t manifesting

Step 33: show my kindness, love and empathy to at least one thing a day (preferably more). It can be a living thing or a non living thing it doesn’t really matter

Step 34: become more knowledgeable on my species! I am part human but I’m also part a couple other things (I don’t feel comfortable saying them here tho). I wanna learn and connect with my species more :3

Omg this post is so long I’m sorry (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) thank you for reading and I hope some of these steps help to inspire some of you as well! Let’s all become the best version of ourselves and live our dream lives in 2025!

#affirmations #law of assumption #manifestation #manifesting #neville goddard #affirmation #loa #loa tumblr #loablr #glow up #2025 #2025 glow up

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insufferableprotagonistpoll · 3 months ago

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Round 3

Propaganda why Feyre Archeron is insufferable:

"She is Miss Perfect Special Never Does Anything Wrong. Rhys with her is like Gordon Ramsay with children, EXCEPT SHE'S A GROWN ADULT. I didn't hate her tooooo much in books 1-3 (she was barely tolerable), but in the novella, she becomes this housewife First Lady type character who is fine doing paperwork after stating previously that she wants to be doing something more "important", and living in a McMansion. THEN THE FIFTH BOOK STARTS WITH HER HAVING AN "INTERVENTION" FOR HER SISTER, WHICH IS BASICALLY FEYRE TELLING NESTA THAT SHE'S GRIEVING INCORRECTLY. Bitch, who are YOU to tell someone that THEIR grief is making YOUR life uncomfortable?? "Wah wah the social implications" you're the literal queen, no one cares that your sister is embarrassing you.

Imo, Feyre is also the result of a lot of internalized misogyny on the part of the author, bc she has two men in love with her and gets along very well with every other male character that's not "evil", but many of the female characters are antagonistic or unhelpful towards Feyre, seemingly apropos of nothing. It's giving "I'm not like OTHER girls". She also very clearly doesn't want children but then miraculously changes her mind bc apparently female characters can't be fulfilled without children. 🙄

Oh and btw Feyre also manages to get the powers of EVERY fairy court ruler at the end of the first book. I DO NOT use the term "mary sue" lightly, as that label has been used against feminist characters a lot, but Feyre exemplifies the Mary Sue trope."

"SHES SO ANNOYING AND SO SO STUPID AND BY THE END SHE JUST BECOMES A COMPLETE DOORMAT AND LETS RHYS WALK ALL OVER HER tbh im more mad at the author for butchering her but she's still annoying as all hell"

"Thinks she’s the victim of everything. Destroys an entire Court. Forces an intervention on her sister who is grieving differently than Feyre is."

"She's the WORST. She's an asshole to her family but thinks she deserves to be worshipped by them because she hunts or whatever, feels entitled all the time, is ableist to her dad, is fantasy racist and turns from being racist to not being racist in a BLINK, is ridiculously overpowered and treated as oh-so-special by every single other character ... I hate her and I wish she would die. "

Propaganda why Marinette Dupain-Cheng is insufferable:

"shes annoyinng anf shes a stalker"

"I love fanon miraculous but by god she has got to stop obsessively stalking her crush and generally making a ton of other terrible decisions. I’d submit Adrien too but he’s more of a deuteragonist"

"I started the show, watched one episode, and never tried again. I simply do not vibe with her."

"I get she has social anxiety but the way she goes about stalking Adrien is kind of the worst like she even has creep shots of him hanging in her room? That’s weird. I think Adrien’s going through enough without having to deal with the main character being his stalker lol. I know they’re (spoilers) at this point but in the beginning it was so sus"

"In the newest season, Marinette hides the fact that Hawkmoth was Adrien’s dad. This leads to the bastard getting a statue and honored as a hero after his death. Adrien now never gets to know the fact that his abusive and neglectful father was the one trying to kill him and is instead proud of him."

"Her crush on Adrien is like a black hole for her character. Things she’s done because of it:

1) stolen property

2) ruined dates

3) humiliated other characters

4) has a chart of Adrien’s daily schedule for the next year in her room (this is stalking)

5) broke into his room and sniffed his pillow (also a crime)

6) sniffed, took the hair from, and tried to kiss what she thought was a wax statue of Adrien

7) convinced her parents to let her go to China. Why? Not because she wants to connect with her mother’s heritage, not even because she’s a budding fashion designer and Shanghai is considered a fashion hotspot. It’s because Adrien was there."

"She easily gets away with bad, stalkerish behavior, it always feels like she can ‘do no wrong’ unless the show wants us to pity her, and the show writers want us to think she is a quirky and socially awkward girl when throughout the series we see her be friends with basically everyone in Paris with many connections to high up places."

"Listen, if Adrien's here, she needs to be too. I like her, but from the odd stalker-ish behaviour, to straight up lying to adrien and telling him that his abusive father was actually a 'very good person, a hero even and not the main villain of the series I promise', there's no way she doesn't deserve to be in the polls."

#feyre archeron #a court of thorns and roses #marinette dupain cheng #miraculous ladybug #insufferable protagonist poll #insufferable protagonist tournament #tournament poll

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strengthsapprentice · 2 years ago

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Asra x Reader Headcanon Dump (SFW)

It's been two years since I've actively read up on The Arcana but I still think about this man a lot. A LOT. So, here's how I think he'd be in a relationship.

Asra, deep down, is a touch starved lover. Very lovey dovey and is absolutely thrilled when you both adventure together

Oh? You think your flaws are too unloveable? He doesn't think so! You're not put on a pedestal because he thinks you're flawless, you're his partner because your flaws ARE what he adores.

Do you think this man cares about your body type? He's the furthest man from shallow anyone can be (I think this goes for like 5/6 main interests in The Arcana)

He's a little impatient, but that comes with learning in a relationship. He'll want to take things fast, but he knows a thing or two about letting you grow as a person first.

The title "Master" he's not a fan of as much, but he'll come up with any other sweet name for you!

I can imagine him getting very caught up in sweeping you off your feet that ANY time you return the chance to blow his mind? He's got puppy love all over again.

Neutral on marriage at first tbh, but would probably love any union ceremony with you! Whether it be actual marriage or a slow dance in a forest of magic.

Artists are his soft spot! Even if you're just beginning, he's so so madly in love with creation that he'll enjoy any time he spends with you in your own little worlds.

Please get Faust a friend. Please. Your familiars will have a bond so strong they act like a wholesome old married couple. Whether you get a fellow reptile or even something as big as an elephant!

Okay, Asra may not show how protective he is, but let's not forget what he's sacrificed for you already. You can count on him DEFENDING you with his very life. He can't lose you again.

His favorite game, if video games were a thing in this universe, would be Legend Of Zelda. Specifically Tears Of The Kingdom. No, he doesn't like Korok torture, but he adores puzzle solving. And the graphics have him MESMERIZED.

If you have a fursona, he'll make one with you. Man literally HAS a fursona at the ready, all he's got to do is make the fursuit- or, does the magic he use count as a fursuit-? I'll leave that up to you guys.

If you don't have an animal to ride on, you have a horse now. He brought you home a foal. That is your horse now.

#asra x reader #asra the arcana #asra alzanar #asra headcanons #asra #the arcana #arcana

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mellkellyismyhero · 2 years ago

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Jonathan Stroud and Kipps

You know, as a kid reading Lockwood and Co., I LOVED Lucy, George, Lockwood, and Holly. They were all my age! Every time a new book came out I’d imagine Lucy was growing up with me.

But that meant that I didn’t have much of a connection with Kipps, who was kind of L&Co.’s punching bag (affectionate). I liked him, but I never loved him the way I loved everyone else.

Now, I’m older than L&Co. Reading the books and watching the show feels like revisiting my younger self. I was expecting to love the L&Co. trio dynamic- and I did! But one thing I really wasn’t expecting was my newfound appreciation for Kipps.

Jonathan Stroud’s decision to focus on Kipps’ transition from brilliant teen agent to terrified, washed-up adult... It didn’t speak to me as a kid because I was too busy identifying with how cool Lucy’s Talent was. But now that I’m in Kipps’ age range, I identify with Kipps a lot more over Lucy. I can’t really put it in words- this is probably going to be the first of many posts of me spewing emotions and love for Jonathan Stroud’s writing skill- but I’m going to try.

Minor Kipps-related spoilers for L&Co. books under the cut.

Kipps, in the show and books, is 20-22 years old. He’s college-aged. And he cannot do the one thing that he has trained his entire life for, and needs to adjust to that. As a kid, I just kind of saw that as the same kind of “kids rule, adults drool” thing that happens in all kids adventure stories. Can’t have the responsible adults ruining the kids’ fun!

But Kipps was unusual in that you get to SEE him go from ‘competent rival agent’ to ‘technically a useless adult��. He’s straddling the line in the way that other series, where kids get to have magic because they’re good and pure or whatever don’t.

The thing is, it would’ve been easy for Kipps to be forgotten. Just let him fade into the background and never be mentioned again after book 2. But he’s there in book 3, and 4, and 5, still doing his best to fight ghosts even if he can’t see them. As a kid, I was just like ‘huh, okay, that’s a choice’ and kind of ignored him. Who cares what Kipps is doing when Lucy and Holly are having an epic argument that’s going to bring a million ghosts down on their heads?

As an adult, I LOVE that Stroud chose to keep Kipps around. I love that Kipps found a new way to keep fighting (the goggles). I love that Kipps kind of became a member of Lockwood and Co. I love that Stroud made the readers and the characters confront the reality that one day our beloved main characters would lose their Talents too, that even Lucy would go deaf one day, instead of just ignoring the generous but very real time limit the characters had hanging over their heads.

(Side note: part of my love for this series might be stemming from my complicated feelings about the Seven Wonders book series, where a kid is told he has less than a year to live and will likely spend months in debilitating pain and then... spends that year fucking around looking for magical artifacts and not actually having any kind of physical consequences for LITERALLY HAVING A DEADLY ILLNESS-)

Anyway.

Kipps is fantastic. The way he represents the inevitable future of Lockwood and Co... the way he represents the thousands of other agents who grew too old to sense ghosts and couldn’t keep fighting even if they wanted to... the way that he tries so hard to keep the kids he’s in charge of alive but can’t because he’s only one person and he’s losing his Talent...

He’s going through such a major transition and doesn’t know what his place in the world is anymore, and honestly, what early-twenties person does? There’s something there about Talents and childhood trauma and taking your first few steps into adulthood without the tools that saved your life as a child because they don’t work anymore...

In conclusion: Kipps was an amazing character, and I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate him sooner.

#quill kipps #lockwood and co #lockwood and co netflix #l&co. netflix #l&co #l&co netflix #l&co.#mine #quill kipps appreciation

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tuakaai · 7 months ago

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Good morning people. Since Ep 3 review I have gone outside and touched grass trying to process the ending of the series. So here we go.

Ep 4

First of all. I knew it! I knew it was the dad that killed Ben!

Second of all, the episode was between boring and annoying.

Klaus is doing his completely separate thing from the entire group.

The main group, instead, is on the search for Ben

Which himself is having his own soap-opera

Meanwhile Jean and Gene spend the whole episode in a burger King

Ep 5 & 6

We all know what I'm gonna say...

Lila and Five is just a no, I'm not gonna go too deep on it.

We get to see the in-laws!

The entire cast is separated by duos with very little mixing and I don't like that. They feel so much less like a family than any other season. And I purely believe you could make a more united/mixed season by changing some characters arcs, for example Klaus's exclusion from the main plot!

I do agree that some characters are more independant during the entire series, like Viktor or Five (or Ben cos he hates the entire group). They can stay how they are. I like consistant characterization.

I also want to point out the butchering of female storylines this season. Especially regarding Jennifer and Lila.

Lila is a badass! She's a strong woman, confident in herself, doesn't wait for a no or yes to do something, independant, loving, crazy, stubborn, fun... She's all of it. And this season she's purely been used as Five's love interest. She went from punk to a cottage-core stay at home wife. We barely see her join any of Five's excursions outside the house, except for that last one where she effectively does nothing. Is it only crazy to me that the Lila that said "we're not giving up" has spent more than seven years in her domestic wife fase? And the only reason she is able to go back has been handed to her by Five while insisting she should stay cos he doesn't want to fix the apocalipse and that he's better than her "failed marriage"? She hasn't been given any agency, the writer has done whatever he wanted with her and just won't accept any criticism. He's literally made his fantasies cannon just cos he could.

And Jennifer? Much of the same. A romantic object to advance the plot. Do we know anything about her? No. Does she make her own choices besides sticking beside her oh so loved Ben? No. She's rescued when she has to be rescued, she's killed when she has to be killed, she's romanced just because. She takes no forefront, basically Ben's attachment!

Now, the ending

I don't care, I literally don't care. Is it shit? Very. But what are you supposed to do when you fuck up the entire season before it?

I don't mind the "we have to sacrifice ourselves for this to stop", but it has to be done well. With character arcs finished at the very least.

Also, are you telling me that if they didn't drink the marigold they could've literally throw it to Jennifer and it would've been sorted? And Viktor can remove the marigold from a person, can he not? (like in season 2 & 3)

Idk, I'm going crazy again

Anyway

Reginald should've died

Moon lady shouldn't have been included

A dance scene should've

Good night, can't wait for the fanfics.

#umbrella academy #the umbrella academy #the umbrella academy s4 #the umbrella academy season 4 #tua s4 #tua season 4 #tua spoilers #tua s4 spoilers #tua

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rorywritesjunk · 1 year ago

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I can’t tell where the journey will end But I know where to start

Prequel to my Kid Buggy fic, set about 11-ish years before that story.

Buggy meets you by chance when he needs his buttons sewn back onto his jacket. He’s young, up and coming, and he thinks everyone should cower before him wherever he goes, but all you do is smile at him.

Rating: PG-13ish just for some swearing. Warning: Buggy is full of anxiety and insecurity about his relationship for the most part. Someone else shows up briefly but takes the rejection well. Mentions of harassment. Sunny loves Buggy. A/N: I think this main story is going to be about 20 some chapters? And then from then on it will just be any one-shot I think of for these two.

Title comes from “Wake Me Up” by Avicii.

TAGLIST: @lostfirefly @ane5e @kingofthemfingpirates @the-angriest-angel @tiredemomama @valen-yamyam16 @i-reblog-fics-i-like @plethora-of-fickleness @uhnanix

Chapter 1 + Chapter 2 + Chapter 3 + Chapter 4 + Chapter 5 + Chapter 6 + Chapter 7 + Chapter 8 + Chapter 9 + Chapter 10 + Chapter 11 + Chapter 12 + Chapter 13 + Chapter 14 + Chapter 15 + Chapter 16 + Chapter 17 + Chapter 18 + Epilogue

Chapter 13

You were nearing the end of the apprenticeship. Your life for the last 10 years was about to go into a different direction, something you didn’t anticipate, but you were looking forward to it. Gradually you packed away some of your things into a few bags while sorting things you could get rid of. It should have been an easy task but Benji was sitting on your bed one time after dinner, arms crossed as he watched you.

“You don’t have to go, you know.” He said as you packed away some of the dresses you made. “Miss Pins would keep you on full time.”

“I’m ready to leave, Benji.” You told him as you put your photos into layers of clothes to protect them. “Besides, it will allow Miss Pins to get another apprentice or two if I’m not here taking up space.”

“She can find room!”

“Benji, the point is to leave and start my career elsewhere once I finish here.” You reminded him as you turned to look at him. “I’ve enjoyed working with you for the last few months, but now Miss Pins can focus on you for a while before another apprentice shows up.”

He made a face, not liking the sound of that. He liked having you around and he didn't want that to change. “Why do you wanna marry that clown anyway?”

You glared at him and sighed. “Don't call him that.”

“He's literally a clown.” Benji said, gesturing to his nose. “It honks, doesn't it?”

“Benji, don't be mean. He's sensitive about his nose, okay?” You said, sounding a bit frustrated. “He already got embarrassed by the two previous apprentices about it and I don't want to hear it from you as well. I don’t care if you don't like him but do not make fun of him like that.”

Benji huffed and looked away. “Fine. He smells, though. If you marry him you're marrying a stinky pirate.”

“I can deal with that.”

“What if he mistreats you?”

“He won't, Benji.” You said. “That's not in his nature.”

“But you barely know him!” Benji exclaimed. “You haven't known him that long and you're marrying him!”

“Everyone is different! Love happens differently for people and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. It's not going to be all roses and rainbows, you know, just like any relationship.” You told him, growing annoyed by his questions. “We’ll get to know each other just like any couple and have our ups and downs, but I love that goofy pirate and we are getting married.” You closed one of your bags and sighed. “He’s very sweet, you know? Everyone else just looks at him and thinks he's some… clown, not taking anything seriously, but he does.”

“You should have gone on a date with that one pirate, the one who didn't wear a shirt.” Benji muttered. “He was handsome.”

“Why don't you marry him once you're old enough then?” You snapped. “You have no idea what it's been like being a girl working in a town full of pirates. Most don't care who you are or what you do, they just see a pretty girl and think “easy target”. All Buggy did when I helped him with his coat was pay me too much. Never made crude comments or advances. And he came around for silly little things after a while but he never made me feel uncomfortable.”

Benji frowned, listening to what you said. “Does that happen?”

“Yes. Every apprentice I knew while I was here went through it. We all had countless men trying to convince us to come with them, or in my case, that… man with the scar and cigar telling me to marry him.” You shuddered when you thought back to seeing him again. “It's difficult to deal with, okay? So I'm choosing to marry who I want and that's Buggy.”

Benji sat back, thinking about what you said. That man had been scary, and Benji thought himself to be pretty tough, but when he locked eyes with him he was truly scared. Buggy, on the other hand… Benji had no reason to fear him. He found the pirate to be more pathetic or ridiculous than anything, but he kind of got why you'd choose Buggy over anyone else.

“I still think it's weird.” He mumbled. “Marrying someone you barely know.”

“Well, it's a good thing I'm choosing to do it and not being forced, you know?” You replied as you packed the last bag for the evening. “I'm happy with Buggy.”

“Hmph.” Benji crossed his arms and looked away from you. “Fine, but if I get word that he's made you unhappy, I'll hunt him down.”

You chuckled softly and shook your head. “If I'm ever unhappy, you'll be the first to find out, okay?”

“Good.”

You had just a few days left and time was moving slow. Some customers came in, requesting you fulfill their orders, and that meant you had to work faster than normal. It also meant telling Buggy you needed a few days to finish those orders, which he took as well as you expected.

“You don't want me around?!” He demanded as you sat at the table with your sewing tools.

“I didn't say that.” You said firmly as you worked on an order, fixing tears in the sleeves of a jacket. “All I said was that I'm going to be busy, Buggy. I’m not available for the next few days.”

“But-”

“After I'm finished with these orders, you can have me all to yourself to do whatever you want.” You said as you looked up at him. He stared at you, cheeks turning pink as his brain interpreted what you said. You tried not to roll your eyes at that. “You can come by but I have to work.”

He grumbled softly before taking a seat at the table next to you, arms crossed as he watched you work. You reached over and placed your palm against his cheek; he leaned into your touch and looked at you with big eyes.

“You're so cute, Buggy.” You smiled before leaning over to peck him on the lips. He was already a bit of a distraction, just sitting there looking at you, but you could handle it. “Maybe Miss Pins has some work you can do.”

“I'm fine sitting here.” He said, scooting his chair closer to you. “I wanna watch you work.”

Shaking your head you went back to sewing. Buggy settled down, leaning towards you as he closed his eyes. You had peace and quiet for only five minutes until the shop door opened and someone entered. Your eyes widened just for a moment when you saw who it was.

“Captain Kuro!” You smiled as you got up to greet him. Buggy opened his eyes and turned to look at who came in.“How nice to see you again.”

When the captain turned around to face you, Buggy's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. Who was this guy and how did you know him? You were smiling quite a bit as you approached him, touching one of his gloves hands while Buggy stared at the two of you. There was a wave of jealousy followed by insecurity that hit Buggy as he watched the well dressed captain kiss your hand.

This was like that handsome swordsman situation all over again.

“How are you doing, captain? Are you here to have work done?” You asked as you brushed off a few flecks of dust from his sleeve. “I should let you know, I don't think I can take anymore work on. I'll be ending my apprenticeship in a few days.”

“Is that so? Then I suppose my showing up is good timing.”

You looked at him curiously as he took your hand in yours. You could feel Buggy's eyes on you as Kuro kissed your hand again; surprisingly Buggy remained quiet as he watched what was unfolding.

“I thought I would ask if you'd like to join me for lunch?” Kuro asked.

That wasn't the reason you were expecting to see him. Admittedly you were surprised by his question, but you withdrew your hand from his, still smiling politely as you gestured to the ring on the chain that hung around your neck.

“I would love to, but my fiancee would be upset.” You told him as you glanced over at Buggy. He was glaring at the two of you from his chair but hadn't moved from it. “We got engaged a few months ago.”

Kuro’s eyes flickered in Buggy's direction, giving him a look over before he turned back to you with a tight smile. “Is that so? Then congratulations must be in order.”

“Ah, thank you.” You smiled. “I'm happy to see you again, Captain, and I'm sorry I won't be able to do any work for you.”

“Sometimes things aren't meant to be.” He kept looking over at Buggy, taking in his appearance. Wrinkled and dirty clothes, messy hair, scuffed shoes, and he hadn't bathed in a week so he was dirty in general. Kuro turned his nose up before smiling thinly at you. “I'll see you again sometime, Miss Sunny.”

“Oh, okay, bye.” You watched as he left, but not before giving Buggy one more look over. Once the door was closed you sighed and went back to the table, looking down at Buggy who looked ready to snap. “Are you okay?”

“Me? I'm fine.” He said through clenched teeth. “Just fine. Who wouldn't be after watching their fiancee get slobbered on by some other man?”

“Ew, Buggy.”

“You let him do that! Why? Why did you let him keep kissing your hand?!”

“Because that's just how he's always treated me.” You told him as you touched his shoulder carefully. He jerked away, glaring up at you, but then he looked down, taking in his own appearance as he thought of how the other pirate was dressed. Why would you be with someone like him when there were others like Kuro? It was hard not to compare himself to the others and his mind started to go into a downward spiral, thinking he didn't deserve you, you should be with someone better than him, but you had put a hand on his shoulder while the other went to his cheek, turning him to face you. “Hey, Buggy, don't.”

He tried to look away but you wouldn't let him. You turned him to look at you. “I'm marrying you because you're the one I want to be with, honey.”

“Yea, but-”

“There's no ‘buts’ with my feelings for you.” You said. “I don't want you to think someone is going to come along and take me away from you because it won't happen.” And Buggy still didn't look convinced so you leaned down to kiss him, feeling him relax a bit. “I'm going to marry you so please don't worry, Buggy.”

“But…”

“No buts.” You told him firmly. “I want to and if you still want to then we will, okay?”

“W-What?! Of course I want to!” Buggy exclaimed. “Why would you think I wouldn't?!”

“No reason.” You said with a smile as you leaned down to kiss him once more. That seemed to snap him out of his funk. He was glaring up at you as he took your hands in his.

“I’ll make you the happiest wife, Sunny.” He told you. “I promise.”

#buggy the clown #buggy the clown x reader #buggy x reader #buggy x you #buggy the clown x you #opla buggy the clown #opla buggy the clown x reader #opla buggy x reader #opla buggy the clown x you #opla buggy x you #buggy the clown x oc #buggy x oc #opla buggy the clown x oc #opla buggy x oc #sunny x buggy #one piece #one piece oc #one piece fanfiction

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