#it's always hard for me to talk to people online 😭 I'm so much better at holding convos irl or at least over calls/voice memos

[e77y]

Recently developed such a bad platonic/friendship crush (idk the word for it... I think there's a word??) on this one person I've barely spoken to 😭 Idk what is is... I just want to be their buddy... I want to do silly activities............ Send me memes and read my fanfics............................

[spideysbruh]

defender

liked by y/n and 5,166,266 others

tchalamet babygirl

view all 96,777 comments

timmysgf eughh brother eughhh

florencepugh you guys are the besttt

laurieslaurence mis padres

fxckyn do you think she forces him to post this stuff

tchalamet do you think you can shut up and log out forever ?

leexyn AHHH GOT YOUR ASS YOU MAD

liked by rachelzegler, chappellroan and 3,277,222 others

y/n no one knows about the words that we whisper

view all 91,266 comments

ynsblanket I'm so happy that she's surrounded by ppl that really love and care for her

busyyn fr she gets so much hate for no reason

sweetyn omg taylor and y/n crossover slayy

tchalamet 🥰🥰🥰

fuxkyn she always has to post him for likes so embarrassing

tchalamet and what do you post for your 3 followers? constant bullshit? does anyone even see it???

goodyyn ate her up LMAOOO

rachelzegler we've gotta sit around a campfire like once a month forever now

y/n liked

y/n no like let's make it a tradition fr

tsgf bro she needs a job

tchalamet she has one. unlike you

tchalamet just posted a story!

caption- my one and only

@timandynupdates just tweeted- NEW photos from this past week of Timothée and Y/n on vacation. They appeared to be having a deep conversation, as Y/n was crying at a certain point, with Chalamet consoling her.

@yoursongyn replied- ITS CAUSE OF ALL THESE ASSHOLES WHO THINK THEYRE TIMOTHÉES GIRLFRIEND ISTG

@ynsucks replied- THEY BROKE UP OMG

@lauriesrings replied to @ynsucks- bitch they're literally kissing after stfu are you dumb

@pinksyn replied- yall need to behave before they both turn off their comments. or worse and get off social media completely

@kylesgf replied- oh my goddd she's so overdramatic

y/n just posted a story!

caption- nothing and no one makes me happier than you do. @tchalamet 💕

liked by y/n, tayrussell and 4,166,266 others

tchalamet I love feeling like nothing else matters when im with you.

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y/n i love you

fuxkyn ughhhh

florencepugh I miss you both!!

tsgf I've had enough of this bitch

tchalamet that's crazy cause I was just thinking the same thing about you!

tsgf wtf. i'm not supporting you anymore.

tchalamet thank god

zendaya yall disgust me every time we hang out

tchalamet and y/n liked

directyn TIMMY SHUT THEM UPPPP FINALLY

liked by sabrinacarpenter, tchalamet and 4,717,223 others

y/n is it new years yet?

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rachelzegler jesus was seen.

liked by y/n

laurieslaurence MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLDDD

tchalamet goddess.

liked by y/n

paulsgf why are all the comments nice😭 why we lyinggg

tchalamet the only lying going on is your parents when they said they were proud of you

spideyyn oh my g- 💀💀💀 LMAOOOO

paulsarrakis bro he hates these ppl LMAOOO

tchalamet yup

tchalamet like seriously babe, what the fuuuuck😩

liked by y/n

tchalamet just posted a story!

caption- golden globes 😳😳

@celebnews just tweeted- Y/n and Timothée Chalamet seen at a golden globes after party

@carpenyn replied- the hand placement in his story is killinggg me omgg hottest couple ever

@paulslauries replied- I rly admire y/n, she's shown so much resilience with the way she's been treated online, and she doesn't seem to let it affect her. mad respect 🙏🏽

@bluesyn replied- oh to be a fly on the wall for their convos

@mistleyn replied- THEYRE SO CUTE BRO WTFFFF😭😭😭😭😭💕💕💕🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

@timmylaurie replied- I love how he constantly defends her, even though he shouldn't have to but people are fucking weirdos

@fuxkyn replied to @timmylaurie- we're not weird, we just know that he can do better and she's no good for him!!

@badideayn replied to @fuxkyn- yk you're just proving their point 💀

y/n just posted a story!

liked by y/n, oliviarodrigo, rachelzegler and 11,543,555 others

tchalamet why is it so hard to let people live their lives? I don't know you, you definitely don't know me, and you never will. you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and the things that we talk about because people don't know how to act. that ends now, please stop. enough is enough. thank you

comments on this post have been limited

rachelzegler it had to be said! people can be cruel, I know firsthand how it can be

tchalamet liked

florencepugh well said!

sabrinacarpenter !!!!!

justinbieber some people will never get it. you guys got this!!

y/n JUSTIN BIEBER?!??!!

liked by oliviarodrigo, tchalamet and 6,266,277 others

y/n all mine

view all 121,555 comments

laurieslaurence TELL THEMMMMM

tchalamet my favorite person

logicalyn cryinggg they're so cute 🥺😭💕

kylesballs okay she's actually so cool wtf

curlyyn he'll choose her every time 🥺😭😭😭 I love them

liked by y/n, zendaya and 12,188,332 others

tchalamet my forever

view all 142,277 comments

jowegottahaveitout crying. he won't let them win!!

stayyn I KNOW THATS RIGHTTTT

y/n we're cute or whateverrrr

tchalamet liked

*

[jung-koook]

are you making those gifs just from the yt shorts/ig reels of I AM STILL that they are posting? it doesn't even look like it bc the quality of the gifs is so good D:

If you want to talk about quality you've come to the right person! LAKSKSALKS everyone loves high quality files but sometimes I do crazy things for files that not even my friends can do. such as my paid weverse files. I always want the original quality and with screen record we don't have that, so I literally gave my email and password to someone on a forum so they can download my files from my weverse account in the original quality. this person just said "hi, I know how to download paid files from weverse using codes, do you want me to do it for you?" and I, who don't know this person, said "omg please, thank you so much for doing this for me". 😅😭 also download torrent files from suspicious websites. the list is long LKASKLAKSAS but I can give you some tips on how to always find good quality files, at least files that are free or easier to find.

try to join in exclusive forums like kpop24hrs or a harder like jpopsuki and avistaz. I had an account on jpopsuki, but maintaining an account there is very hard for me, I am someone who doesn't keep files saved on my laptop. there is a forum called "torrent invites" where some people go there and offer invitations or even exclusive forum accounts. I got a jpopsuki invitation account for a friend there. check torrent invites forum if you want an invitation to another forum! now youtube videos. to download youtube videos I use 4k video downloader. but before downloading the videos you can also try to change the format of the video to see if the quality changes too. sometimes videos in mkv format have better quality, so it's always good to check if the quality changes.

I always do that on bangtantv like bangtanbomb or the episodes videos which most of the time are always only uploaded on youtube. BUT we have some videos that are not only uploaded on yt but also on instagram and tiktok~~~~ and this is where we win heheheh~~ if a video is uploaded on these three platforms ALWAYS download it from tiktok. 99% of the time, videos on tiktok have a thousand times better quality than those on youtube and instagram. or you can also download the video on these three platforms so you can compare and see which quality is better, but I'm sure that tiktok's quality will always be the best. here's an amazing example, jin video that I giffed earlier.

first i only saw people sharing the instagram link but i went and searched if the instagram account also had a tiktok account and BAM they did 🥹 I downloaded the video from instagram and the quality was poor:

but when i download the tiktok video the quality was:

damn... this is sexy🫦

when instagram doesn't always make videos available in 1080p, most videos on tiktok are 1080p. just go and search "where to download instagram videos online" "where to download tiktok videos online" and open a website that does that and that's it.

another example, my tae and jeongguk recent gifset that you talk about here in this ask.

the quality of the video uploaded on youtube and instagram is very similar.

yt:

instagram:

but look how the quality is a thousand times better on tiktok:

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 so beautiful that I almost got emotional LAKSKASKASKA

my advice is to always look for other platforms they may have uploaded the files to! like for example jeongguk vogue photoshoot. many people thought that the videos were only uploaded on twitter and instagram but no, they were also uploaded on facebook! always look for accounts on facebook as well. but facebook is weird… from what I understand they won't upload all the quality at the same time so sometimes it takes a while for a video to be in 1080p there. another thing, sometimes they will also change the quality lol. for example, when I downloaded jeongguk photoshoot there the highest quality available was 2k but now it only has 1080p.

now:

😭😭😭😭😭😭

now torrent files~ I don't recommend the websites I download my files from because I'm not sure they are trustworthy but as I have a good program to protect my laptop so I feel safer lakskas. for torrent files I use eztvx, kpkuang, 1lou. "are you sure" files I had to search for jung kook or jimin to find the files on some of these websites.

and now free websites where we can download high quality bangtan files are namuspromised, sharemania, soowoozoooo and ouranxingg.

there are others but I feel like these are the ones who always share high quality files.

this was me trying to explain to you guys how to always find high quality files with my bad english LAKSKSKASK I just love helping people find good quality files ♡

EDIT: I forgot to talk about vimeo but @galatariel reminded me of them too ♡ many photoshoot are uploaded there with high quality so also check vimeo when a photoshoot comes out! I downloaded most of my recent tae photoshoot there~

[mossyivy]

CHRIS STANS RISE!!! WE NEED TO GIVE THAT MAN MORE LOVE AND ATTENTION!!! 😤

Domestic Chris…Because that’s my specialty. 🥹

I see Chris having three kids, two boys, one girl. He’d be the type of dad to push his boys so hard, always expecting the best of the best from them. His daughter as well, but not as harsh. I see them all pretty close in age, maybe 1-2 years apart for each kid.

He’d have his boys do all sorts of sports and activities. Football, baseball, basketball, tennis, track, cross country, you name it, they do it. Chris would also help them practice, especially in football and baseball. His daughter would probably do ballet, tennis, and be in the Girl Scouts with Cecilia, and maybe do drama with Violet as well.

Also, it’s very much cannon that Chris spoils his daughter 10X more than his boys. His little girl wants to go on a Sephora shopping trip? Take his card and go crazy. His boys want to go out with their friends? Here’s $25 for the both of you.

Chris is also such a loving husband. He’d buy you gifts “Just because”. Or if you mention a new designer purse online, it would mysteriously show up on the dining table to greet you when you woke up…With a handwritten note of course. You were very much a spoiled wife, but he didn’t care, you gave him three beautiful kids for god sakes, of course he’d buy you whatever you want.

If there was ever a time any of your boys were disrespectful to you while he was gone, (Because they know better than to mess with their mother while dad’s around.) He’d give them the “You don’t disrespect MY wife.” Talk. Ugh, 😣 give me a chance Chris…☹️

- Anon! 🎀

🎀 ANON I FUCKING LOVE YOU I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK ABOUT HIM BUT NO ONE REALLY DOES MUCH IN THE CHRIS TAG ANYMORE AND THAT PLUMMETS MY MOTIVATION!!!

But I'll scream with you anyday bb!!!

(I'm sorry this is so long I just couldn't help myself 😭)

Okay so I've had the idea that Chris met someone with a child from a previous relationship (Your first born son, Let's name him Oliver and call him Ollie for short! He's like 2 years older than Violet. He struggles a bit in school so they're in the same grade, along with his younger brother, after he was held back in 5th and 8th grade but that's okay! Everyone struggles!)

Ollie was like 2 when they first met. Your ex-husband was a HORRIBLE MAN, absolutely terrible to you and the only good thing he ever did was bless you with Ollie. That's it.

Chris and his wife met through work (let's be honest here, how tf else would he meet a woman? Chris is very much a workaholic.) His wife is basically the lead of the BSAA's dispatch response team (Basically what Hunnigan does at the FOS but the BSAA's version) and she's good at her job. Very strong willed and mouthy as a mf. Isn't scared to go back at anyone over the radio and definitely got into it with Chris once or twice before they officially met.

(catch me posting what happened when they met in person the first chance someone asks)

Anyway!!

After y'all start dating it doesn't take long before you introduce Chris to your son and Ollie is just OBSESSED with Chris. Like you've never seen this kid so excited to see another human being until Chris shows up. You two only started dating for a few months and Ollie already calls Chris dad. You try correcting him scared AF that Chris is gonna get freaked out but he's actually super chill with it. He's use to taking care of people, he basically raised Claire after their parents died but this little guy is much younger and a lot more fun and excitable than Claire was.

A few months into the relationship you find out you're pregnant. Chris is excited but also freaking out with how often he's gone. But everything works out and you end up having your second son, Christopher Jr but CJ for short.

You and Chris end up getting married not long after your first anniversary after the babies born. Not making a big deal out of anything just getting papers signed and having a little get together celebrating everything.

2 years go by, Ollie's in Kindergarten and CJ does daycare. You start getting horribly ill out of nowhere. So you go get checked out and oh God you're pregnant again...

(This would be the point in time where Leon starts bugging for another baby with his wife)

9 months of Chris being a nervous wreck fly by and the world meets your daughter, Talulla, Lulu for short.

Chris would be adamant on sticking the kids in after school activities once they're old enough. His boys would do sports and his baby girl in softball and girl scouts so she can hangout with her pseudo cousins. (Her being 2 years younger than Violet and 2 years older than Cecilia) Until her older cousin quits cause girl scouts are for babies (🙄)

Chris and his wife would be UBER COMPETITIVE when it came to cookie selling season. It's all out war between the Redfield's and Kennedy's every year.

I feel like Ollie would also really be musically gifted and play piano for the school choir and musicals. Lulu would Ed up wanting to do drama but be a stage hand or in the costume department. She's actually very shy.

CJ is basically Chris when he was a kid. Always doing stupid shit... Getting in trouble over the dumbest of things but looking out for others. (Definitely beat up that kid who was picking on Violet when they were 7.)

You're getting calls from the school at least once a month because CJ got in trouble for either getting into an argument with a teacher over rules or another kid tried something stupid.

[milksnake-tea]

hey kind of a random ask so please don't feel pressured to respond, but I wanted to hear opinions and maybe advice?

Do you ever encounter the people who get really upset about reader fics with "coded" characters (like Aventurine or Ratio, literally any HSR man and most Genshin men)? I've been in fandom spaces for a long time, but this fandom is the first time I've ever seen people actively be mean about "denying their coding", even if it's silently in online spaces like here where we just enjoy fics to ourselves. Everything from calling people delusional to saying worse threats and making fun of them publicly online.

There is a part of me that tries to repeatedly say these people are likely a vocal minority, but it still manages to depress me that 90% of fandom considers certain things canon and will legit insult you if you don't agree or simply still enjoy ships outside of the "canon" ones. Someone I follow was bullied on twt because someone told their moots they ship Aven and Stelle and now it's treated as if it's illegal.

Not sure if this makes a difference but I am also ace so every so often I also go through phases of feeling inadequate and these characters are my comfort characters... so feeling isolated from what appears to be a large portion of fandom really takes a toll on me.

Do you ever encounter these people? Do you have advice for ignoring them or keeping them out of your head?

Again, no need to respond if this isn't a topic you don't want to! I hope you have a great day regardless.

OKAY SO LIKE. THIS IS KINDA HEAVY AS A TOPIC TO TALK ABT 😭😭 SO UH UNDER THE CUT IT IS 💥💥💥

BUT !!! the gist of what i've seen is that fandom is always going to be fandom, and there's always going to be some people who can't stay in their lane. there's always going to be people who disagree about certain things, and there's always going to be some sort of conflict. but fandom's main purpose is to have fun, do what you want, etc etc (obviously within moral grounds.... like don't be weird guys. please).

i personally haven't met these people (mainly because x reader is relatively niche and most of my readers are gn), but my advice is to block and move on. responding to them and/or giving them attention only spurs them on. if you're coming from twt, it can be hard to just hard block someone, but on tumblr it's pretty common place to block and curate your own experience. i'm really sorry that you went through that, no one deserves to go through bullying and harassment over a ship. unfortunately, people like that are never going to disappear, and at the end of the day, you have to block them and try to forget.

i wish i could give better advice than this, but i'm not great with things like this as i tend to stay out of discourse as much as possible. if you ever get overwhelmed, take a step away from the computer and find something else to do, like taking a walk! sorry if this isn't the response you expected, i wish you the best and hope you have a good timezone :)

[vulpinesaint]

orchid abelia daffodil <3

orchid ⇢ what’s a song you consider to be perfect?

MAN this is a hard question. mostly because i have such opinions about music i always think that there is something technically or lyrically or melodically that could be done better. if i had to think of one that i think did a good job on all aspects of the song it would probably be a hozier song... talk, maybe... i find the lyrics compelling and the harmonies satisfying and the music interesting enough to keep focus while not being overly/distractingly complex. the thing about art though is that there is always something to be changed/something that could be improved by a different set of standards. i don't know if i would ever consider any song perfect but i will let you know if i think of one haha <3

abelia ⇢ do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can’t part with?

boy do i!! i'm sure i have mentioned my saint sebastian medallion before but for those who do not know. i have a pendant with saint sebastian on it and i wear it every day. i am not a freak about it that much anymore (got healthier) but over fourth of july weekend i forgot it at home and i was Distraught. near tears. cause i needed it to feel safe and secure. better about it now!! shout out to saint sebastian that's my guy. i don't care if people want to call him a "basic" saint to idolize for gay people now i have ALWAYS been a freak about him independent from anyone else. and i am keeping that tendency well and alive

i also wear my ace ring (black ring on the right middle finger) most places if i can remember. it's harder to do when you have to be putting on sunscreen all the time for work...

if i remember i'll put pictures under this. if there are outfit pictures. um. you have to play a game where you look for these jewelry items. if not i got too weird about putting my face on here more and there should just be a picture of the medallion haha

daffodil ⇢ do you have siblings? if yes, in what ways do you think you’re similar to or different from them?

i have two little siblings! middle child is nonbinary and then the youngest is my little brother. i spent a lot of time growing up making sure that my sibling had a safe space to be themself because i could tell that they were Like Me in that way. so i came out and was constantly having conversations with them about how it was okay for boys to be feminine. pointing out queer creators i liked online. offering to paint their nails and do their makeup. and it worked out haha! won at making a safe space. did so well at it actually that they forgot that they hadn't actually come out to me yet. we are very different in most other ways though. for one they are blonde. and they've always been very math-oriented. i was the english sibling so thematically they obviously had to be the mathematical one... my mom always said we were a little chocolate and vanilla pair :)

i am unfortunately VERY like my younger brother which is to say that we have the same negative traits and i find him intolerable to be around lmao. it's not great and i need to be the adult and get over it but when he is sixteen and Stubborn it makes me feel violent 😭 can't physically pin him to the ground anymore so. have to find something else to do besides get in arguments. last i heard he was ostensibly aromantic which is cool and like me! although he told our MOTHER and not ME. HIS OPENLY AROMANTIC OLDER SIBLING. so. betrayal for a thousand years. i don't care if he was only like seven years old and i was twelve i will never feel sorry for beating his ASS at super smash bros when we were both kids

 ﹟random get-to-know-me ask game  !! 

[turtle-sister-april]

erm hello

trigger warning for panic attacks, masking and homophobia

short or long rant ahead with probably bad grammar sorry 😭

so like im a lesbian, and my two friends irl know, but most of the kids at my school are quite strongly against it because its a catholic school and where i live a lot of people hate it

but anyways i have these two current friends and dont get me wrong they are really good friends, but they dont accept the lgbtq+ community. they just accept me because im their friend which makes me "different" (apparently?)

but at the same time they still make homophobic remarks around me and while i dont really mind, it still makes me think "if you knew i was lesbian when you met me, would you still like me?"

plus, im masking pretty much 100% of the time at home and at school, so im always ignoring overstimulation to a point where i have panic attacks so bad to the point where i throw up, my friends are the only ones who know about my sexuality and the only irl friend i have that i can unmask around moved 5 hours away at the start of this year so

it wouldnt bother me so much but i know for a fact that if i said "can you not make that joke it makes me upset" i would just get told that im not special because im gay and i know that- but its almost like im the third wheeler all of the time and its always because im either too quiet, too nice or simply "the gay one"

and im also the therapist friend all of the time, even one of my friends has nicknamed me their emotional support animal lmfao 😭

it just feels weird that the only people who i will ever come first to or not seem "different" to will be online because dont get me wrong i have an amazing online sister who i can kind of be myself around but im her therapist too and there is literally no room for me and whats going on in my life

sorry for venting here you dont have to answer this if you dont want to i just needed to get this off of my chest somewhere other than my notes 😭

have a nice day or night <3

I'm so sorry for answering this late, I'm only now just seeing it, but that's no excuse for not seeing and answering this sooner. Ok, first things first you need this

If you are touch averse then don't worry this is still just a virtual hug.

But you don't need to apologize for venting here, this is a safe space where you can be yourself and you are always welcome to come here for emotional support, just to talk, or even if you just need a distraction.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this and that you are surrounded by such homophobia. It's unfortunate that there are people that are still so unaccepting, but if it helps I can understand where you're coming from.

Having 4 brothers I have to keep a secret from the world is difficult sometimes. It was especially difficult when I was still living with my folks since I still need to tell them about the guys. They know I have 4 homeschooled friends that I love like brothers but they never met them (I still need to figure out how to set up that meeting at some point). And normally Raph takes care of the others but he doesn't have someone to take care of him so I normally do it (and since I hang out with Donnie a lot I'm usually more readily available to help him). But that's all just a long way of saying I understand where you are coming from, it can be hard, just don't forget that you matter too.

It's ok to feel the way you do and it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes, its all a part of living. But never forget that what you need and want matters. Otherwise, how else can you expect to help others if you are a mess of emotions yourself?

I hope this helps you and anyone else reading this feel better in anyway but if it doesn't then at least thank you for reading this far. Have a lovely day or night wherever you are and enjoy this adorable gif of cats.

[slytherinshua]

He's just precious. I definitely need to watch some of his live performances! I love it when artists really get into the music. Yechan is quite fun to watch, he seems to get quite into it. And Wonsang!! I love it when he is making faces while playing bass (generally I'm reacting the same way to his parts ahaha)

People are honestly so tough to deal with sometimes lol. I'd become a recluse if I could ahaha. I was talking about this with my brother once, when I finally have enough money to move out (not anytime soon 😭) I NEED to live with someone else. Partly for safety, but also because if I don't I'll become a hermit and never leave ahaha (also because I despise cooking and there is a very real possibility that I'll just starve instead lol). I'm glad you enjoy talking to me, I do too! (Feel free to message me anytime too!)

That's exciting, I hope it goes well!! Are you working towards grades or anything? Or do you just go along with music that you want to learn? Lessons on zoom seems interesting, online classes were hard enough sometimes so music lessons must have been something else. It is literally so hard to find motivation to practice! Like I want to be better, but I don't want to practice ahaha. Although I use to really have to practice because my mum taught me for a while so she'd definitely know if I didn't 😭

Oh wow you were so close to them!! I'd probably forget to how to pose as well, although I can't really pose in general without it being awkward lol. That's really cute that he was telling you what he was going to do

i remember my favourite hyunsang song (or maybe favourite song of all time in general) is snowflake and i watched the live of it and there's this one part where he looks back at his band/orchestra behind him and just smiles so widely before he goes up onto the lifted platform to do his guitar solo AND IDK IT MADE ME EMO CAUSE I NEVER SEE THAT BIG SMILE FROM HIM HES SO CUTE (here if u wanna see it btw)

yechan is always so mesmerizing to watch he gets SO into the music and playing you just can't take your eyes off of him!! wonsang always has fun with it and dances, smiles so wide, or focuses really hard when hes doing hard parts on the bass i just love him i could talk about him all day

yeah and its pretty bad i don't have like any interaction irl its all online and im kinda thankful for that because its a lot easier to deal with interactions online than in person its a lot less stressful 😭😭 but i never go outside i swear 😭😭 i feel like i would get so lonely if i was living alone even though i don't tend to think of myself as someone who needs in person social interaction... but i think it would build up and hit hard if i no longer had people around me to talk to even a little every day like my family.... hehe i will its so fun to talk to you ^^

rn i do plan to take another music exam probably grade 6 since that'll be the easiest to do. i need it for a high school credit so we'll see how it goes. i've done grade 3 and grade 5 in the past and got first class honors both times i think but it's still extremely stressful i think i cried both times lmao 😭😭 technically im more grade 8 or 9 piano but i don't want to do a higher level when i don't need to and haven't been playing for a year so we'll see how grade 6 stuff goes.... online lessons for piano were interesting for sure 😭😭 it was harder to do stuff like ear training and having the teacher not like exactly there with you made it harder to progress... i also forgot abt my piano lesson times a lot and would oversleep 💀 i really lost motivation to practice around the same time i was getting burned out because of school idk... back in 2020 i was so motivated with piano i would practice so much and that's actually why after i finished my grade 5 exam i progressed like 3 levels right after. i remember getting the grade 6-7 books but all the pieces were so easy in them all of sudden just cause of how much i practiced lol. but now i think i'm gonna struggle a bit to pick things back up before it gets easy again. damn having your mom as your teacher must've been hard but also nice in a way i assume?? i remember my mom used to bribe me with stuff to get me to practice, and one time i wanted to quit and she would not let me which was good cause i would've regretted it so hard but at the time i was not happy that i couldn't quit 😭😭

i remembered a pose for the second pic we took but for the first one my mind was just so blank, party cause i didn't know we were gonna do group photo immediately and also cause sangyeop was RIGHT there talking to ME. like he literally told me to sit i prob would've been fine if he hadn't spoken but like he did so ITS HIS FAULT FR 😭 i wanted to follow the pose he said he was gonna do and i did for the second pic since he said a heart pose but like damn my brain didn't want to understand what a flower pose was....

[pics-and-fanfics]

I'm sorry. I had a bad day and took offense to something you said. I didn't mean to actually hurt you, I just wanted to take out my anger on you and I guess make you feel angry too? That's why i sent that ask.

I'm 16 and I'm just having a really hard time in school and I'm scared of senior year and I was hurt really bad recently. I hope you can forgive me and forget about what I said. I'm just some dumb teenager who forgets how powerful words are I guess. I'm so sorry girl or nb or w/e you prefer. I hope you feel better by now, life is amazing and I hope you surround yourself with people who make you happy. Please go over this with your therapist.

I'm really sorry. I'll be more thoughtful next time i send people ask. I'll try and be a better person

Understandable, everyone has bad days, but maybe a better way to let out that anger would be to write it down and then rip it up or destroy it? Idk, I just isolate myself and hug my stuffed animals until I feel better tbh.

And yeah, I did get upset, but I wasn’t mad, I was just a little taken aback, maybe hurt? I get that school is hard, I’m still in high school too (it fucking sucks ass, I feel you there) and I’m terrified about the future. But I’ve got my friends and family and an awesome support system, in person and online, maybe find people that can be that for you, and vise versa?

Don’t call yourself dumb, that leads down a very dark hole that’s hard to climb out of and it forms into a very very bad habit, trust me. I’m working on that myself, but like everything, esp bad habits, it takes time and effort to fix. I still say stuff like “I’m so dumb” a bit too often, but I’m working on saying “no I’m not, I’m smart, I’m just having trouble” afterwards.

And yeah, words hurt. I’ve learned that the hard way, driving away people that I didn’t learn to appreciate until later, but I can’t apologize bc I have no idea where or even who they are now. Friends, strangers, even my niece (I’m working on not doing that with her tho, I love the little kid, she’s so awesome and smart and kind, at least when she doesn’t have her moms shitty attitude).

And I can forgive, but I will not forget. Kinda like the quote “The lumberjack forgets the pain he causes, but the tree always remembers.” I’m working on that too, trying to forgive others. I’m working on a lot about myself lately, I’m just realizing. I still hold grudges, esp against the person who sent the ask last year telling me to kill myself, but I don’t know if I have or haven’t forgiven them. I don’t know if I have or haven’t forgiven an old friend after what she pulled at my birthday 2 years ago, and I don’t know if I can. There are some things that can’t be forgiven, but this is so small, but it hurts so much still.

I forgive you, and I hope you have some better days coming, honestly.

If you want, you can keep sending asks when you have a bad day? They can stay anonymous, and I can try to help, if that’s okay with you. I can be part of your support system, if you want.

I’m working on a lot of things, and I hope maybe this can help you start working a little to be happier, less full of anger all the time?

But please, be kind to yourself, and if you can’t always be kind to others, then try to find a way to avoid them or ignore them. (I don’t know if I can do that with the boys in my math class tho, they are so loud and I got basically punched in the arm by one of them today, it hurt)

I love you, anon. Please be kind to yourself, and I’m here if you need to talk again. ❤️

You are enough. I love you.

(Also sorry I took forever to respond to your ask, but I saw this right before class, and then school basically drained all of my energy 😭 and then I had a shit load of homework I had to do, at least I get out for break tmrw thank god)

[softhairedhotch]

I hate how people just don’t seem to understand that humans aren’t supposed to constantly be working like this. Life isn’t supposed to be about work constantly, ur supposed to have fun and enjoy life. I work in a warehouse too and December is always our peak season bc holidays and people buy stuff online, all of November and December I worked 6 days a week (meaning I had only 1 day off) they only made us work 5 days but I always picked up an extra shift. Like yes the paychecks were wonderful and I would have kept doing it in January too but they didn’t have any shifts for me to pick up. But afterwards I realized I worked so much and barely tended to myself and it made me really depressed and burned out. I worked so much I forgot what days of the week it was, I forgot about holidays, I basically lived at work. And I stg if I hear that “pull yourself by the bootstraps” bullshit again im gonna loose my shit. Everyone tells me “work hard for a higher position” but that’s not true, you basically have to know someone or fuck someone for a higher position (Btw I work for a popular company that’s named after the largest rainforest in the world).

But I say all this to say, your brothers should have more compassion towards you instead of constantly badgering you about getting a job. If they wanna you to get a job so bad then it would be helpful if they put in a good work for you at their jobs. Life isn’t just about work, it’s about enjoying the time you have. You’ve already got a lot on your mind and it would be better if they just let you get better. Your doing good bubs, and I hope you feel better soon🫶🏽

oops i ended up deleting that lil rant right as you sent this i think but thank you sm, i really appreciate you coming to say all this <3

working at a warehouse SUCKS. i almost ended up at the place you just mentioned but absolutely no thanks, would hate that. i used to be a line leader at my old job and it wasn't bad! i could do it, i just hated it. the boss and the people (aside from my friends) were awful and mean and the thought of going back sucks ass. even tho i can't even go back rn bc it's a seasonal job and shuts down for a few months at a time :/ so if i go back to work anytime soon then it'll probably be another warehouse job bc it's all i can really do, i have 2+ years experience, and it pays pretty well... but i really just don't want to.

thank you though, i really appreciate it. i think i am getting better and i'm finally able to go back out in the real world but to them that means i'm able to go back to being worked until i have another breakdown 💀 like c'mon i hardly speak to them at all n then when i do, it's all about me getting a job. i went shopping with my brother on sunday and i was just talking about my upcoming week and he immediately goes "that includes job searching, yeah?" dude shut up you are NOT my dad 😭 let me actually get better before i force myself to work goddamn 💀 anyways thank you again n i hope you're doing better now <3

[satsuha]

you are SO RIGHT!! agnene is sooo cute and you’ve really opened my eyes to the extent of how much it works. the parallels you drew between them and temehika also make a lot of sense.

similarly, now that you mention it, i definitely understand what you mean about the crossed path story.. i haven’t played since the game released (i plan on replaying when the anniversary arrives) so i my memory wasn’t the clearest. i’d completely forgotten about yomi ooops.. and you’re right that they really should have touched more on agnea’s past, especially since both she and hikari have lost their mothers. it could have been so sweet to see them exchanging stories about them. i do wish that had happened :(

this is somewhat unrelated but i’m vehemently against the temenos/throné ship because i kind of see them as siblings? (SPOILERS BTW) idk i saw a really good theory about temenos also being one of Mr “So i inpregnated countless women” Guy’s children (was his name claude? i’m blanking suddenly) and while i’m not usually one to go all in on believing fan theories, the theory was so compelling that every time i see them shipped it makes me just a bit uncomfortable lmao. that’s just how my brain works i guess

argh in conclusion there were so many links that could have been drawn between certain characters that the game didn’t want to touch on and it’s such a shame. i get that they didn’t want to make any protags More Prominent than the others and that’s hard to pull off but my imagination definitely runs wild with all the possibilities (i will never see that end-game “why was temenos doing all the heavy lifting” scene the same way after what you did with it hehe)

hehe my agnene agenda... i unfortunately don't have enough hands to draw them as much as i'd like to but yeah they're so cute to me 😭 and yeah i understand! i'm also going through my second playthrough (albeit slowly lol i started in may and am still on it) but i do check videos online pretty often when i want to talk about something so i'm more or less refreshed on the events of the game

and ooogh... that theory... okay well for some context i only came across it when someone told me it was canon that temenos was claude's son and i was so horrified that i'd missed something but it turns out people had just misinterpreted arcanette's line directed at throne o<-< i think the theory is... fine but it doesn't really affect any part of temenos' character for me since the only real thing claude's children have in common is that they were forced into the blacksnakes' bloodbath but temenos wasn't a part of that so... i also think it suits him better that he's just some ordinary guy because his story seems to push the fact that he's in a role he was never destined for (in an "ideal" world, it would've been roi who was the chosen cleric for the story but temenos was forced to take up the mantle)

UHHH but yeah regardless of temenos' parentage i got pretty strong sibling/platonic vibes from his and throne's interactions anyway... i like their dynamic the most amongst the crossed paths pairs because temenos is just constantly telling throne off for her bad behaviour like a child and i find it amusing lol

i'm always stuck between wanting more of a certain kind of interaction (because i think some banters were lacklustre) and being fine with it because it means i can be delusional and just fill in the gaps myself lmao... THAT scene still boggles my mind i can't think of a single reason why temenos would be the one carrying the water JKFGHJKA but temehika going off as a pair regardless of what they are doing will always make me happy.... 🥰

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Hey, I'm going to uni this year but am stuck choosing Edinburgh (Literature) between Warwick (Creative Writing and Literature) but I don't know which one to pick. Edinburgh has a better lead on the world tables along with a fancy reputation in contrast to Warwick. Do I choose Edinburgh over something that has been burning for years (aka writing about stupid characters) or ya know...something more prestigious? It's really difficult because I don't trust the Creative Writing courses having the ability to give a good experience since they differ so widely and there really is no telling of how it goes.

And on top of that, a lot of my characters are HELLA QUEER and my conservative ass parents are going to be ashamed when they see me writing cute ass guys get along with each other. (Also what do your parents think about Lonan and Harrison in this context???)

So is it social security over passion?

I really am so lost, it's been months and my brain cannot think. I just think that if I have that degree, than it would give me the validation of being a decent writer. BUT like - I've always enjoyed essay writing? This is so bipolar😭

But the main question is, do you think your time in uni was worth the shot of just breathing author air and not giving a fuck about what other people think? (Sos if that sounds harsh, it's the artists attitude of being the wild cards of society).

(I'm in London btw, if you're wondering).

(Also, I LOVE YOUR WRITING LIKE PLEASE I WANT TO EAT IT!!!)

Hiii! Happy you're eating my writing HEHEHE! Okay lots to talk about here, but to answer your main question:

Do you think your time in uni was worth the shot of just breathing author air and not giving a fuck about what other people think?

Okay so, for me... My experience with my degree is complicated but I wouldn't necessarily say the experience was worth it in the ways I thought it would be. To be very fair, my education was VEYR interrupted by COVID (all of second year online, third year had a hybrid mix with some online classes and some on campus, fourth year is the only "normal" year I had besides first, which was interrupted toward the end by the pandemic--I started school in fall 2019). I want to say that because my experience is very much defined by that--I'm sure the culture of uni has changed since 2020, it just didn't change personally for me (i.e., I don't do social gatherings still, so I didn't invite friends over, go out with people, etc, just went to class then went home for 3rd and 4th year, which made socializing hard, more than usual LOL, for me--I'm sure folks who are doing those things had a different experience in my program).

Something you said is super intriguing to me: "I just think that if I have that degree, than it would give me the validation of being a decent writer."

If I can say something for relatively certain, a degree isn't going to give you the validation of whether you're a good writer or not (and I wouldn't recommend people go into a CW degree with that hope in mind--tbh, studying CW isn't "practical" and without a strong financial plan, etc, I would feel veryyyyy reckless/irresponsible on my platform to just go "ahhh yes! study creative writing!!")

If I can be honest, I was a good writer going into my program and I'm a better one coming out--but that isn't majorly because of the degree, to be upfront (I don't want people to think "ohhh rachel studied CW and she's such a good writer now, and she must be a good writer because she studied writing, and therefore I'm going to study writing to be a good writer"--I reaaaallllyyy want to be transparent with my audience about this because I know it's a privilege to study CW and I don't want to give people the wrong idea). I'm a better writer because it's been four years and I wrote 3.5 books in that time, ~20 short stories, ~20 poems, etc. Of course, some of that was for the degree but MOST was not (except for the poems). Hundreds of thousands of words.

How much you get out of a CW program depends on sooo many things like how the program actually functions (if you're not sure--I would ABSOLUTELY try to get that info from either an open house or some alumni if you can get in contact, I wouldn't go into a CW program at all without an idea of how the program runs--but that's just my advice!). Can also depend on your cohort for that year, whether there's a pandemic (looool), the profs, who's on sabbatical, who just got hired, etc, etc, etc. So I don't have concrete advice for whether you should study literature or CW, or if you feel you're in a position where you can choose passion over social security (that could be something to think about with an adult in your life!).

I also think it's important to know where YOU are in your writing journey. If I could go back in time and talk to seventeen year old Rachel, I'd probably advise her to go down a different path, to be honest. It's not that I found my degree completely hopeless, not at all, I met some AMAZING educators and writers who taught me SO MUCH (I worked with a writer I'd looked up to for years!!! like what!!! made some great writer buds, and would NOT be a poet without this degree), and I have great memories! But I also know myself now looking back, and I struggled in the early half of my degree to feel "settled" because I was in a different place than was typical for writing students.

I'm nervous to talk about this because I don't want it to seem egotistical, etc, but I'd developed a writing & editing process/style before I got to school, which isn't really typical for my program. I started writing and publishing extreeeemely young, and have been told by faculty that they don't really... see students like this in undergrad. When I entered my program, I was faarrrrr from a fantastic writer, and I was still "settling" into my style, but I'd found one (wrote a majority of Moth Work before my degree, for example).

My degree helped me with many things and I'm so grateful to have had a chance to study CW at the post-secondary level, but I also would've been fine without it (and I'm saying this NOT to dig at my program or school, not at allllll, but because I have an audience of young people who I *know* may be considering studying CW because I did it, and I want to be honest in saying that you can absolutely be a great writer without studying CW at all--and coming in a bit too defined might not make the experience the *most* useful, but that is just my experience ofc).

ALSO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to know: I had a four year scholarship that paid for all of my tuition that I earned by stressing SO HARD in high school (my high school GPA was literally 99% which is actually so concerning to me now because the amount of stress I was under??? But I did it because I knew I needed that scholarship to study CW--the min. for this particular one at the time was a 96%, and I was anxious about not making that, hence the average). That scholarship was 26k in total, spread out at $6500CAD/year (which was the price of my tuition).

I had to work extremely hard in first, second, and third year to keep a particular GPA which was I think about an 83% to keep it--to be fair, I was so anxious about losing it that I went wayyyy above that which made me :) so stressed :) but I did keep up that scholarship, so I'm graduating without debt for tuition. I'd also won an external scholarship and bursary that paid for about 30% of my first year housing, and the rest was covered by my parents who'd had savings for my education.

I didn't work a typical job during my undergrad (in third year I did some diversity/equity/inclusion volunteer work that paid at a min. wage part-time rate for about a year though), and was extreeeemely lucky to have my parents' financial support for housing and food.

It is *sooooo* important to have a plan about finances if you're going to study CW, because this isn't going to be a field where you can look for a *particular* job after you graduate (and I know even that's complicated in other fields too, not to generalize!).

I hope this was helpful! Also not to scare you!!!! But I get some high school students asking me this question and I just really want you to have all the info about what my experience was like, because I know this is an impractical degree (I'm leaving with sooo many practical skills that fall nicely into the industry I want to work in, but still, I'm aware that not everyone can do this--so I want to be honest!).

Also to answer the last bit about queer characters:

And on top of that, a lot of my characters are HELLA QUEER and my conservative ass parents are going to be ashamed when they see me writing cute ass guys get along with each other. (Also what do your parents think about Lonan and Harrison in this context???)

My parents don't know much about my writing, haha (my mom reads my published short fiction/poems & my dad reads whatever I send him from LinkTree, but they don't read my personal projects because I would PERISH--they are very aware of the characters though, but not specific things). They sometimes ask me if Lonan and Harrison are dating (but I ask myself that question too lol--they've known about them since maybe 2018, so it's been a while!). They're LGBTQ+ affirming & always have been!

Anyway, I hope this was useful! Message me if you'd like more details, but it's critical to me that people are also aware that the experience CAN be multi-faceted.

[daenerys-targaryen]

How do you keep going in this fandom? Dany literally kept me alive and I will always be grateful to her for that but her antis drain the joy out of every single fun part of fandom. You can curate your space as meticulously as you like but the freaks will still screenshot your posts to dunk on you or send your stuff to other people's asks just to stir some drama up. How do you do it?

short answer: 1. because I will always have nothing but pure love and adoration for her in my heart and no one will ever take that away and 2. spite :)

long answer: under the cut

I'm sooo sorry you were going through such a hard time but I'm so so glad that she was able to do that for you. I love hearing how much dany means to us fans especially when it's being told to me so thank you for sharing that and I relate. As for the answer to your question, in my opinion I left the fandom for a long long time after the show ended just because it it was truly horrible here after about a year. I left my got blog, I unfollowed and left source blogs, I blacklisted the tags like I did not want to see anything about it anywhere and we couldn't even talk about it in my house for like a year LMAO and not just from me and it did take me a wwwhhiiilleee to really even follow some of my mutuals back you know and honestly it was just this past summer I truly got back into the fandom and started re reading the books again actively posting content about it albeit mostly on twitter though (i know 😭🤡) and that's because there are so. many. dany stans over there! it's so cool! i mean literally like countless endless amounts I hadn't been on asoiaf twitter ever really so I just didn't KNOW it was so large but I don't even know how I found them but I managed to find some old mutuals from when they were on here and then found more and more and over here? on this website? it's my opinion that this websites opinion in terms of book dany are what we used to think of reddit was years ago. actually TODAY I saw a pro dany post on reddit and I was like ?!?! pleasantly shocked ! I was like omg nature is healing. but anyways. over here? I go through my archive and I see so many of my old dany mutuals either just inactive or deactivated our people on here are GONE :( for me I guess I'll never not be in the fandom because I won't ever stop loving her and posting about her you know? there are some things in this world that really do just leave such an imprint on you as a person and on your soul and she's one of those things for me. I can say that overall just having mutuals and people to interact with and friends do make it so better. I'm really good about not seeing anti dany stuff on here because this is my home and I'm not bringing dirt in so I am veeeeeeery careful about who I follow in terms of asoiaf but over on twitter it's a bit harder not to see anti stuff because there aren't tags to blacklist to avoid you know? so I do see bs nonstop over there but thankfully I also know that I don't have to open that stupid app every day or be on it for a long time so when it seems like it's a lot I just don't open the app so it's not too big of a deal. and of course there are days where it really is a beat down like it's so incredibly dumb you'd think she were as really dark and controversial as they make her out to be I really just have to point and laugh. it's the internet there will always be someone screenshotting something and starting drama and there will always be people tagging my dany content with anti tags but I'm not going to stop posting about my favorite character or interacting with posts about her. really at the end of the day my love for her outshines any hate I didn't stop loving her then and I'm not going to stop loving her now. I will love her until I am cold and dead and six feet under and I'm very stubborn and love with my whole being so as long as I'm in online spaces I'll be in there posting about her

[taegularities]

Hello lovely Rid 💕💕

Just dropping in because I feel like I haven't properly talked to you and I've missed you 🥺🥺🥺

I still haven't read cmi9 because everything's been so hectic and I always want to give cmi chapters their proper time for me to cry and gasp and smile and laugh over my babies. I swear I always have such dramatic reactions while reading the chapters lol and I love that experience. I'm dedicating tomorrow to that for sure though!

I saw you talking about taking a break for a bit and I would totally encourage taking all the time that you need! Online spaces can definitely be very overwhelming and exhausting. It actually felt quite nice to not be on here as much while on vacation and not feel like I constantly had to keep up with everything that's happening. It also does feel discouraging how quiet it's gotten on tumblr in general recently though. Personally for me, it makes me want to scream on here even louder to support the people who are still around, but it is also sad too.

How do you feel about everything? And also how are you feeling in general, Rid? Sending you all of my love and more 💞💞💞

hello, my sweetest ivi <3

i missed you, too, i honestly always do when it's been a while !! but that's okay, im just glad you enjoyed your vacation 🥺 i figured you hadn't read cmi yet, like i knew you were busy !! but i can't fkn wait to hear your thoughts on this chapter.. i truly did pour my everything into it, so i hope you like it :') dramatic reactions uhm i live for them, pls give me all of them 😭 i also saw that you (re???)read sbw. i didn't know you knew it already, so your feedback made me so happy, tysm 🤧

and ugh yeah. i don't feel that good in general tbh. today was especially hard for some reason, like really truly bad :') that ask game helped me through it a lot. those episodes come n go, but we will be okay, i promise!! ty for asking :( you've been okay in general, yeah?

yes, i will definitely go for that break if i need to. my mind keeps changing, too, like this noon i was sure i needed that pause, but now i'm somewhat okay. i know a break from social media is super rewarding, and i've felt a little overwhelmed by a lot of things lately, so… let's see. hoping for things to get better, so i don't have to leave. yeah, let's see <3

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Wah this is a little embarrassing to write down but could I get an obey me match up? I’m super obsessed w Nightbringer atm haha

I go by they/them, I’m 5’10 and I tend to dress mostly feminine but I’m also super hairy LMAO (shaving is too much work), I’m not too confident about my appearance but yknow it’s whateves as long as I get to wear bright and sparkly stuff looool

I’m a capricorn? Dunno much about zodiac stuff, but I would describe myself as a cheery optimistic person!! I like joking around and being silly and I’m described as childish quite a bit 🤷 I can be a bit shy and nervous though so it’s not like I’m SUPER extroverted, I actually tend to be a bit of a hermit sometimes since I don’t like to go out much (ya boy also can’t DRIVE LMAOO) parties and stuff are super overwhelming and I kinda have a hard time making friends ☠️ but I do like talking to people!!! Especially about my interests, I’m super into games and cosplaying rn (currently on my 5th morrowind playthrough, playing all the mainline persona games, working on climbing in ranked league of legends, etc) but I also love to read comics and books as well as write occasionally!! Poetry mostly but I also roleplay online if that counts, plus I do DnD,, I love my character creation 🤧 Tangentially related but psychology is also one of my main interests I absolutely love learning about it!!!

Oh I’m also currently studying art, my skills are mostly in traditional drawing and painting but lately I’ve tried pottery+ceramics and I’m slowly cracking away at digital art too!! My goal is to one day be able to write and illustrate my own stories someday ✨🌈 My favorite genres are fantasy, mystery, romance, and horror!!!

I rlly love spooky stuff teehee, I tend to be a lil thrill seeking, mostly just for stuff like roller coasters, horror movies and games, haunted houses, escape rooms, etc, I find it SO fun I love Halloween sooo much

I guess my love language would be words of affirmation? Sometimes I’m not too big on physical touch but I do like being told stuff lmao

As for things I don’t like, I’m a super picky eater ig? Oh and bugs they give me the icks lmao (I’m so sorry Beel it’s not personal) I also don’t like when things are super chaotic, messy, or out of my control, I function best with at least some semblance of structure in my life 😭

Anyway uhhh I hope this is enough? I’m not rlly sure how these things work lol but I’d love to hear who you think would suit me best!! God knows I’m terrible at picking my men ☠️☠️☠️☠️

Hello Anon! You put a great amount of information! I'm trying to finish the original Obey Me game before I get too into Nightbringer, but with me only being up to Lesson 18, it could take a while. Hope you like your matchup!

In Obey Me, I match you with...

Okay, I know what your thinking! You're a picky eater and I pair you with the one character that canonically can't cook? But hear me out!

If you can cook, you'd be able to make things you know you'll like, and you won't have to worry about dying from Solomon's attempts at cooking.

If you can't cook, either the brothers or Barbatos would be more than happy to help you out, making dishes for you while also teaching you how to make them yourself.

Solomon loves spooky stuff so he's right there with you in haunted houses, cinemas to watch the latest horror movie, on rollercoasters...you name it, Solomon's up to the challenge!

He also loves sitting down with you and trying to copy whatever you're drawing or painting. He's probably not as good as you but he tries his best. He can always just use a bit of magic while you're not watching to make his scribbles look a bit better.

Solomon loves that you have the desire to write and illustrate your own books. He'd feel honoured if you would share your progress with him. But he's also happy to wait until the final product is finished. It just means more anticipation and surprise when he finally gets to see your work.

Solomon playing D&D would be an experience. He's got so many stories from his years of life that all of his characters are probably just him from different eras. I really want to write a fanfic about the Obey Me character playing D&D now...

Because Solomon's been around so long, he's also a ready reference for a lot of psychology questions you have. He's seen so many people and how they think so there are very few questions you could ask that he wouldn't be able to answer.

[shapemydestiny]

2022 - 2023

Holy crap has It been a long time since i've journaled.... Looking back it's weird to think how much things have yet haven't changed since my last post.

Last time I posted, the pandemic was still pretty much a thing If I recall correctly. Honestly the last few years have kind of blurred together. I didn't end up seeing a new therapist. I might've had one session with her, but went back to my other one.

My First Job

In Spring of 2022, I landed my first software engineering job. It was at a healthcare SaaS startup and I was the second engineer to be hired. The other engineer was working part time, and went working full time the same day I started. I learned a good amount from this job, but overtime didn't like the structure and leadership of my boss. Yelling at you for being slow to help him on your day off when you're not even on call, getting mad for not violating a government's TOS for their API, and having no problem with questionably obtained software, not taking cybersecurity concerns seriously, etc. I was fired in February of 2024. That's a story for later.

Social Life

I believe in fall of 2021, I joined a discord server that I found on reddit. We all are part of a group of degenerates who's special interest is too taboo to disclose publicly... even in an anonymous journal. I've really made some good friends that I talk to every single day.

Honestly 2022 was pretty uneventful if I can recall back that far other than me getting my first job. I spent a lot of time with an online friend "X" helping with his emotional issues and he was very emotionally abusive, which got worse over time.

Things seemed to have gotten better towards the end of the year. I wanted to go to Disney World and I wanted to go before Splash Mountain closed in January 😭. He said he was going to pay for his ticket, but never paid me back. He threatened to leave me at Disney because he was always drunk when he said he wouldn't drink. Honestly the entire trip was a hot mess. I had fun on the rides, but really wish I went with someone else... I finally cut ties with X towards the end of 2023 or at the beginning of 2024.

Long Term COVID

After coming back, I got long term COVID, causing me to have horrible brain fog, fatigue, etc. It made it really hard to work and I nearly went on disability after talking with my therapist. However, my work was being aggressive with me going on disability, despite them paying into it. They would only pay for one month of COBRA and that would be it, and it sounded like they'd only let me take a month of disability. Well considering that they had "unlimited" PTO I just took more PTO time - I was trying to save them having to pay my salary during this time, their loss. To be honest it really never got better. I continued to have brain fog through the rest of the year and still do to a certain extent.

Mental and Physical Health

Honestly, my mental health and processing never truly got better after long term covid, it only got better than the beginning. I felt guilty spending so much of my time gaming with my online friend Eli, but I honestly didn't have the mental capacity to work at a higher amount than I was doing. Honestly, keeping a stable 40 hour job is something that gives me a LOT of anxiety. It's not that i'm choosing to be lazy or not want to work, it's that I don't have the focus or cognitive energy to give that time commitment. It makes me feel really shitty saying that. After all I am physically not disabled, and people have it way worse than I do. I don't want to be a burden but I feel like such a piece of shit for having the privileged life I do but still struggle. First world problems am I right?

As far as I've been told my diagnosis are BED, ADHD, bipolar type II, OCD, social anxiety, general anxiety. Turns out I also have high cholesterol, am pre-diabetic and have sleep apena. That's been fun 😡.