#it's also just such a good song. i like listening to it hungover

[starsailores]

in honour of long lost's anniversary. remember when ben said this about not dead yet. i feel unwell

[lunas-side-anime-blog]

Modern College Student/BF Eren Yeager Headcanons

Armin version: HERE

Changed his major so. many. times.

Tried premed bc of his dad but then realized he had to take a lot of math and was like “lol no”

Was a business major for a bit but he didn’t have enough tact or strategy so dropped that pretty quick

Philosophy was next but he has such black and white way of thinking, he always got into arguments with the professors

Ethics was ruled out after like a week bc of…well, obvious reasons

Joined Armin’s major for like a month but it took so much studying and memory that he quit

Tried psych with Mikasa but yeah every teacher kept telling him to go to therapy??? And he was like “no thank you.”

Eventually i think he will land in something like sport communication or management, bc the competition really gets him fired up and he’s only good at something if he’s passionate about it

also feel like he’d be a college athlete with some scholarships so yeah, it makes sense

Not a great student tbh

Type of bitch to say “c’s get degrees.”

Really its only his public speaking skills that are keeping his grade afloat bc his presentations are sooo hype and get the class all inspired n shit

His essays and quizzes tho? Yeah, not so good

Bad at attending classes too, for sure will be like “srry my grandma died.”

And the teacher is just like “you’ve used that excuse already?twice??"

And hes just like “ugh fine you got me, I was tired and hungover”

Def tried to join a frat but Armin and Mikasa threatened to not be friends with him 

Still hangs with the frat boys a lot and is always partying with them

Pregames wayyy too hard tho, wasted before the party even starts

Unironically dances to lmfao and pitbull at college parties like “party rockers” is his fucking jam

Casual pothead, has a bong he def like nicknamed the “titan” cuz it’s so fucking huge

Will share his stash with you but like next time you got alc or bud just know he’s hitting that shit

High Eren is just really philosophical about freedom but with the munchies

Diet consists of instant ramen, mcdonalds and box mac n cheese, probably alot of redulls too

Thank god he’s athletic w a high metabolism 

Is fucking rocking the man bun and will fight you if you say otherwise

Games often with Jean, Conny and Sasha

Rage quits all the time and yes, Jean has recorded most of them for blackmail

Still uses snapchat streaks and will be so salty if one of his friends broke it

“You know nothing of loyalty. It’s one snap a day! How fucking hard was that?”  

Smells like irish spring body wash, old spice deodorant and weed

Also mint? I feel like he’s always chewing gum

One of those smokers who think he can just splash cold water on his face and chew on some gum and it wouldn’t be obvious that he’s high af

Carmex lip balm is the only slightly self care item he owns

Really into anime, loves the boss fights

I feel like he’d really like Naruto, Demon Slayer, Bnha or jojo’s bizarre adventure

You know anything with a lot of fights or training 

Ppl say he’d like Deathnote bc light but honestly I think he would get lost with all the twists and be like “why tf aren’t ppl just punching each other???”

Loves rap if he’s feeling good or screamo if he’s angry, like there's no in between lmao 

For sure listens to his music way too loud even with air pods

“Max volume isn’t enough, I wanna fuck the song” type of dude

I feel like him and Conny at one point prob tried to make a youtube channel where they like react to stuff 

Jean is the top commenter…..too bad it’s hate comments lol

Is one of those guys who has such a high body temp that even if it’s like december and snowing out, he’s still in basketball shorts and a short sleeve shirt 

Progressive bc Armin taught him how sex doesn’t equal gender, and pronouns are to be respected

Still a dick tho

“He’s such a fucking- wait hold up what are your pronouns?  They? K cool was just gonna talk shit about you but wanted to be respectful about it, thanks.”  goes back to his other conversation like, “They are such a fucking worthless cunt.”

As your bf

Probably met off tinder or something bc he is just a fuckboy looking to get his dick wet

But after fucking he just keeps hanging out with you? Or like if u get ur period or don't feel like sex he’s like, “it’s okay we can just watch a movie or something😀”

So ur not quite sure if you guys are fuckbuddies or not?

It becomes kinda obvious tho if he like ever sees you with another guy and gets all up in his face like “wtf are u doing with my girl/boy?”

U guys don’t have a clear anniversary bc he never asked u to be his, it was just kinda silently agreed upon?

Clingy lil bitch after sex like will follow u to the bathroom if u let him

Needs to shower with you, otherwise you both aint showering cuz he will turn off the water 

“Now we both stinky, bitch.”

Gives me the vibe of a guy who learned sex stuff thru porn

He goes really hard, fast and will put you in crazy positions

If u have a vagina you prob will have to like teach him about clit stimulation and literally take his hand and lead it there, he’s a fast learner though 

Will pull your hair but if you dare pull his?

He'll flip you over and spank you 

Wants sooo bad to be called daddy, up to you though if u wanna call him that but you can tell he tries to lead you to say it sometimes

Not really controlling or anything, actually loves an independent partner who has their own goals 

Is insanely jealous though, the only time he’s all up on you is if he thinks another guy is trying to get on you

If you fight tbh I think Eren can be a lil brat but I think he always has a time limit 

Like..he’s the type of guy that has about three days in him of being an asshole or being in silent treatment mode before he just breaks and knocks on your door begging for forgiveness

A little toxic but again, more so about others than actually controlling you

The type to start a fight in your insta comments if anyone other than him or your besties call you hot

Will try to be cool and say “wear whatever you want, I can fight”

And he will but like will he also cry later? Yes. 

Dates with him aren’t really dates? I think his love language is quality time so he’s the type to just try to hang out and make everything a lil “date”

Lots of late night car rides where you guys just talk and share songs (also car sex if ur up to it), lazy days where you two watch movies and cuddle in bed, also I think he’s the type of bf to try to tag along with you everywhere you go and offer to get you food afterwards

Only for like birthdays or anniversaires will he try to take you out for a fancy dinner, even then you might have to drop hints that you want a nice date bc honestly he’s totally okay getting mdconalds with you and pigging out

Overall he’s kinda a scary dog privellage as a boyfriend

Whose mainly all bark and no bite

(mostly)

Fav nicknames: Babe, babygir/babyboy, sexy, shortie 

Songs that fit the vibe: 505 by Arctic Monkeys, Cherry Waves by Deftones, Daddy Issues by the Neighbourhood

“I’d probably still adore you wth your hands around my neck”

“I’ll swim down with you, is that what you want?” 

“I tell you that I’m thinking about, whatever you’re thinking about”

[t3a-tan]

Romantic and Hopeless (2/?)

First / Previous / Next

---

“Hey. Hope you're okay… I had an alright day today. Bit hungover from last night, but not too bad. Uhh… Freddo came over today since I was a bit upset and we went for a joyride. Blasting songs and shit— so I'm in a bit of a musical mood..!”

Sammy listened silently, laying on her side and staring out at the lab. Her gaze flickered between the cameras, almost entertaining the idea of responding before remembering Ryker was right; she didn't know how he had been listening, and for all she knew he would hear her the moment she spoke back.

His threat was still hanging in the air, swirling around in her head and conjuring all sorts of terrible fates that might fall upon her should she disobey. So, she shut her eyes and tried to shut her soulmate out instead.

“I know you usually sleep around this time so… goodnight. I-I uh… I thought you might like if I hummed a little lullaby— so I hope that helps you relax. Please be okay…”

Despite her efforts to not give in, she listened to his gentle humming, drifting off into a peaceful sleep; the first without nightmares in so long.

Why was the human insisting on making things so difficult for her? She was already in a terrible situation as it was, and now he was making it even more painful with his little offerings of love and peace. She hated it. She hated him.

So far a week had passed, and every night Sammy would be hummed to sleep. By day three she would lay awake waiting to hear his voice, only able to drift off when he was talking or singing something to her. Now as Sammy was out on Ryker's desk, getting measured as she regularly was, she finally felt bold enough to speak again.

“How did you hear us? I thought it was impossible for anyone other than soulmates to hear each other, and I know you're not my soulmate.” She sent a glare up at him for good measure, arms folded and trying to contain her shaking as the tape measure was wrapped around various parts of her body, markings of pen being made on her skin.

Ryker let out a hum of acknowledgement without looking in her direction, instead jotting down the measurements he had gathered.

“I’m not so foolish as to tell you the answer. You would find a way around it.” He responded simply. Sammy let a smirk come onto her expression, her posture becoming more casual.

“So there is a way around it then.” She responded. Her confidence faltered as soon as those unblinking grey eyes focused on her again, swallowing nervously. I probably shouldn't have said that out loud.

“You’re intelligent Sammy, but as usual, your mouth gets in the way.” He scolded lightly, but went back to writing things down a moment later. Sammy relaxed again, relieved that there had been no real retaliation towards her comment. “Regardless, a little thing like you wouldn't be able to comprehend my methods.”

The borrower couldn't help but feel offended but she bit her tongue this time.

Ryker brought his gloved fingers close again, delicately moving her limbs around. By this point Sammy was already used to this routine— yet despite that she still flinched whenever his fingers made contact.

“Open.”

Sammy let out a huff of defiance but opened her mouth, letting the human take a look in with his magnifying glass.

“Good. No tooth decay as far as I can tell. Close.”

Sammy closed her mouth again, frustrated by how used to this she had gotten, but also knowing why she had gotten used to it in the first place. Cooperating was better in the long run with Ryker. He was not distracted or entertained by her defiance like the others, so it would only annoy him.

“He seems like a sweet boy. Your soulmate.” He spoke again, writing down something about her teeth. Sammy tried to peek at his writing, only to blink as his words registered in her mind. “But I'm sure you've realised he's human by now. If you were to meet, you know he would just hurt you.”

She bristled. She had been trying to avoid thinking of that since she realised what he was, and now here Ryker was, shoving it in her face. Ryker raised an eyebrow at her troubled expression.

“Surely you know that already? Unless you've deluded yourself into thinking he would actually be different.” He leaned down, tilting his head slightly as his grey-eyed gaze bore down upon the little borrower's form. “I think you'll find, Sammy, that most people are rather disappointing.”

She averted her gaze, hugging herself a little tighter. She did understand that was the likeliest outcome…but she had still been hoping maybe that wasn't the case. He was one of the only comforts she had left since Tanner… and sure, every now and then Ryker could be nice, but Sammy would rather suffer on her own than be comforted by him.

“I see. So you were just pretending.” Ryker let out a small hum, his eyes flicking over her form again. A sigh rustled through her hair, causing Sammy to look up again. “Alright. Time to eat. You must eat something today.”

He spoke firmly, bringing a small bowl with an assortment of nutrients rich foods onto the desk. They were bland and Sammy disliked them, but it was all she could have. Still, the thought of eating without Tanner made her stomach twist. She shook her head, looking down.

“Sammy. It's not a request. If you go any more days without eating it will start causing damage.” Ryker slid the bowl towards her, the glass bowl scraping against cool metal. Sammy simply huffed again, turning away. “Do you want me to hold you down and force you to eat it?”

The threat made her turn around in alarm. The last thing she wanted was to be restrained, and the thought of Ryker forcing the bland food into her made her feel even more sick. She glared, before swiping up a seed.

“I hate you.” She murmured angrily with tears pricking the corners of her eyes. She winced as she took a bite, already feeling sick, hesitating to swallow.

“I know.” The doctor responded, unfazed by her ire. “Finish up, and then you can go to sleep.”

Soon enough Sammy was full, and she was put back in the glass enclosure that now felt more like home than the den she used to live in; when everyone was still alive. When she wasn't alone. She lay back on one of the folded up fabrics that made up her bed, staring up at the lid of the enclosure.

There is a way to avoid Ryker's detection… what is it though? Has he slipped up at all?

Right on time, her soulmate's voice began to enter her mind.

“Hey! Uh. College was boring as usual… just need to finish this course and then I'll be out of the water. Mum's gone with her boyfriend for the week, but I bet she won't come home when she says..” There was the sound of a small sigh. “I miss your voice. I ..still hope you're okay. I get that you probably can't tell me though, so I'll try to believe you are. Anyway. Lullaby.”

This time Sammy didn't allow herself to drift off to his humming, trying to figure out the solution. Then it hit her.

Ryker knew I was putting my hands together, but he couldn't actually hear me before. Does that mean it's a range thing? She glanced towards the cameras, before curling over, trying to make her position look as natural as possible whilst holding her hands together, keeping them under the makeshift blanket.

“H-hello..?”

“Bloody hell— Hey! Hey— are you okay? What happened?? Are you…are you safe now..?” His voice sounded so urgent but relieved at the same time. Sammy was tense, listening for any signs that Ryker still noticed… It was irrational because he wasn't even in the lab right now, but she couldn't help it.

“I'm okay. Not safe, but for right now I'm alive. I'm sorry for going silent. He said if I spoke to you again he'd do something bad to me.” She responded slowly, her internal voice coming across quiet and hesitant, like she was trying to stay quiet. “I don't think he can hear me right now…”

“Jesus. The guy you mentioned before? Uh. Zorro something?? Is he the one threatening you? If you know his full name I can call the police for you. Hell, I'll even come down myself and deal with him for you.” He spoke, his tone a mix of anger and concern.

Sammy shuddered at the thought of human police bursting in, recalling that several men had told her about their jobs, and several of those same men had claimed to be officers.

“Zorro Ryker. He has a gun. You'd just be putting yourself in danger… And I don't want any police. I don't have a good track record with them.” And she knew that her soulmate didn't either, as he had mentioned to her before. She didn't know exactly what a delinquent was, but it seemed he got in trouble by human standards often.

“A gun!?? What!? I— I know that you can still get guns in England and shit but… wait. You said he was going to hurt you if you spoke to me again? Why are you speaking to me! I don't want you to get hurt to save my feelings.” Sammy winced at the raised voice as it echoed around her head.

“I don't think he can tell. He's not here right now…I'm hiding from the cameras so he'll just think I'm asleep. But from now on, act like you still haven't heard from me. If I talk to you, that's when you'll know he's not around and we can talk freely.” She could hear her own breaths as her pulse hammered in her ears, the adrenaline rushing through her at the thought that she had made a mistake and Ryker knew already.

“I… I don't know what to do. I can't just go about my day knowing you're…wherever you are with that maniac. I promise I won't get police involved, just…please explain? A bit.” Sammy heard the pleading edge to his voice and she released a small sigh. She couldn't explain everything…not to a human. But she could explain some things.

“Okay.” She hesitated. She had never told anyone this before— she had never had anyone to tell and she didn't like to think too much about how long she had been trapped here. “I… On my 14th birthday, me and my younger brother got taken.”

She had to pause before continuing, but Oscar interrupted with a hushed tone.

“You…you've been there the whole time. Since we started talking— I…” Sammy winced at his bewildered reaction, just holding still to keep her sleeping act going. “I'm so…sorry. Is your brother with you? Is he okay?”

“No. He… I started getting quiet because he um. He… “ She couldn't finish her sentence, getting choked up again at the thought. It felt so much colder under this blanket without him nestled against her. It was so quiet without his faint snoring and sleepy murmurs. She tried not to cry though— she was still pretending to sleep after all. “Y-ya know… It happens.”

“Jesus. I'm sorry. I don't even know what to say…” He trailed off slowly. “Hey, uh… could I have some nickname to address you by..? It would make it easier to talk. I can give you one for me too.”

Sammy thought about it, finding the question to be a good distraction from her flashbacks.

“Rabbit.” It's what her parents had called her when she was younger— because of her boundless energy and tendency to hop all around the place; all of which stemmed from an eagerness to start going on borrowing trips.

“An animal name? Cool. I'll pick an animal name too then… Uhh… how about Fox? They're red like my hair.”

Sammy almost laughed at that. Ironic that he was picking a predator animal whilst being one of the most ferocious predators to her species. It's fitting.

“Okay, Fox. I'll explain some stuff...”

[sucker4sixx]

Raising hell

Pt.9

Plot: the end of things.. maybe

Warnings: fat shaming, aggression, punishment, smut

You wake up hungover and feeling low, everything nikki said the day before still on your mind as you watch him getting changed at the bottom of the bed, you watch the back of his head till he turns round, when his eyes focus of your face he smiles and crawls in beside you “morning angel” he cuddles you close, kissing your neck gently “nikki.. stop, we arent together” you squirm. He pulls away and smiles “not yet.. im going to speak to the guys today and tell them that i really do like you” he sits up, feeling sure about this decision “no.. dont, its for the best if we arent anyway” nikki laughs nervously “dont be silly darlin, ive told them to come to the room-“ “why?! So you can call me fat to my face?!” You snap, jumping up “no baby, listen.. i had to say that so they didnt catch on-“ “oh shut up, i dont give a shit.. look, we should go back to hating eachother.. its what we do best.” You brush your hair quickly, nikki sitting speechless on the bed as he watches you leave.

You pack your stuff and head to the airport, sitting silently in the cab that your whole band sat in, mel watching you like a disappointment mother. After the wait in the airport you get on the plane and thank god.. nikkis a few seats across from you but tommy sits beside you, smiling in amusement when he sees you “fatty! Hey!” He laughs “tommy..” you give a small, un-genuine smile. During the flight tommy eats half the planes stock and runs around like a child, shouting over to nikki who sits next to mel. When tommy goes to the bathroom mel sits beside you and scans your face “just spoke to nikki” she says, her expression unreadable “yeah?” You ask nervously and she nods.

“Youve ended things then?” You glance over to nikki who looks over at you both, looking more tired than usual “yup.. for the best” mel pats your shoulder “good girl, i knew youd grow to hate him again”

When you get to the hotel rooms nikkis not in the one beside yours but across, walking the same way and its silent, you miss having fun with him but after everything he done you couldnt bring yourself to look at him. That night the bands go out but all you want is to avoid nikki so you stay inside, having a bottle of wine to yourself but it doesnt give you the buzz you wanted, it makes you want to be held by nikki again so you spend the night crying in your room, missing his warm, soft body.

You wake up in the morning, disappointed you didnt get woken up to him knocking your door and begging for forgiveness, pushing past it all you get up and get dressed, going out for a walk. Although you get stopped every 5 minutes for an autograph you continue to walk, being away from it all really clearing your head before the show. You walk to the arena since it wasnt far, getting there before everyone else to do your makeup and get your stage gear on, wanting a few drinks.

When mötley crüe arrive with whitesnake (who were also touring with you both) they walk by you “hey fatty” vince smiles, winking “fuck off barbie” you spit back and they just continue walking. You wait at the side of the stage to watch whitesnake and get shoved out the way, nikki pushing you aggressively to get by. “What the fuck what that for!” He turns round “couldnt get by you” he narrows his eyes and keeps walking. Mel spots you shaking with rage after it just happened “hey, whats up?” You turn round, only seeing red “we need to fuck their set up” she laughs and moves in closer “easy there tiger, we dont want a law suit or whatever.. they can do that you know?” You shake your head “i dont care.. ive got the perfect plan”

Your on before the crüe but this time you dont pull nikki on the stage, after you wait unpatiently for your rival band to start, hiding behind the curtain that bunches at the corners of the backstage. Three songs in and your plan begins, you have scissors and find the cord for nikkis bass, counting to five you cut it and sprint to your dressing room, hearing the bass cut out if the live set.

You soon hear nikkis voice booming in the hall way, youve never heard him this mad so you pull out a magazine to act natural and hide the scissors. Not long untill nikkis bursting into your dressing room “you little bitch!” He screams “w-what? What are you talking about?” nikki stalks towards you and towers above you “dont act stupid! Why the fuck are you trying to sabotage me!?” He grabs you and pins you against the wall “im not! But im sure if i was it would be perfectly reasonable!” His grip on your shoulders tighten “you know, i never liked you but im just starting to realise how much of alittle cunt you really are!” You swing for him but miss, his eyes filling with rage as he grasps your fist, pinning your hands above your head. His manager runs around, frantically looking for him.

“I never liked you nikki! I never did!” You shout as he corners you completely, his face inches from yours “you sure liked me when i was 7inches deep in your cu-“

“Nikki! Get back on stage!” Doc shouts from beside you both, nikki throwing you across the dressing room and storming back onto stage to continue. Doc death stares you as he leaves your room and you leave the arena earlier than everyone else, before nikki can finish his set.

*BANG BANG*

You hear on your hotel door, you open it in your pj shorts and a crop top, expecting it to be mel but its nikki, looking like a bull who just seen red. He pushes by you and slams the door “ive fucking had it with you!” He shouts and pushes you back “get out of my room!” Nikki laughs angrily “no, no i wont!” He walks around and starts trashing the hotel room, smashing the vases and the tv into the ground. Nikkis ego is huge so when he’s humiliated publicly it sets him off badly. “Nikki stop! Your fucking crazy” “you embarrassed me.. infront of thousands of people tonight!” He stops for two seconds, stalking towards you. “Telling me like i.. give a fuck!” You push him backwards and he grabs you, shoving you onto the bed.

“Fucking stop it!” You struggle as sits down and pins you in place over his lap, he pulls down your shorts and smacks your ass hard as you cry out “bad girl!” He punishes you, youd be lying if you said it didnt turn you on but the force of his slaps made you cry. “Stupid brat.. stupid, stupid toy” he plunges two fingers into you, fingering you fast as you gasp and claw the bed, moaning. “N-nikki.. stop!” You kick your legs around, trying to squirm out of his grasp even though it felt so good. “Stop struggling. Take your punishment.” You give in and moan into the sheets, his two, large fingers slamming inside you.

“Good girl.. take it. You feel my fingers inside that tight little cunt?” You moan and nod “what about when i do this?” He holds his fingers still and flicks both of them against your g spot, making you jump and gasp “f-fuck!” “Language!” He shouts back, smacking your ass again, you whimper into the sheets.

When you cum he discards you on the sheets and stands up “i hope you learned your lesson” you reach up to him, wanting after care “nope.. bad girls dont deserve aftercare” he watches you for a few seconds before leaving your room.

@thebsttrashpanda

[bradleybeachbabe]

‘It’s ALIVE! …I mean, good morning, dear. Did you sleep well?’

hehe with jake!!!! he would be so teasing!!!

here you go!!

warnings: not proofread, mention of being hungover, drinking, alcohol, partying, and taking advil

a/n: also i really love how this turned out!!

you don’t know how jake woke up around 8 am this morning, due to, you and him going to rooster’s halloween party last night. you and he didn’t get back home until four in the morning, so he only got around four hours of sleep. on the other hand, it was around 11:30am when you finally woke up. when you woke up, you felt like shit, and you woke up with a terrible headache.

“wow. it’s ALIVE! … i mean, good morning, dear. did you sleep well?” jake asked, as he walked through the bedroom door of your shared bedroom. he had a glass of water, in one hand, and in the other, he had advil for you.

“not funny, jacob,” you said, as you sat up in bed and took the glass of water and the advil from his hands. you put the advil in your mouth and shallowed it, with the water that jake gave you. “plus, how are you not hungover right now?”

“because i don’t get hungover,” he said, with a cocky tone in his voice. “also did you just call me ‘jacob’?”

“yes,” you nodded. “that’s your actual name, right?”

“yes,” jake said, slowly. “you rarely call me that though? you only call me that when you’re annoyed or mad.”

“well, if you can’t tell, jacob!” you said. “i’m very annoyed right now because i didn’t sleep well last night. plus, we didn’t get back home until 4am.”

“hey. it’s not my fault that someone wanted to take tequila shots and then dance to this song, rock you like a hurricane, right before we were about to head home,” jake said, as he holds his hands up in surrender. 

you glared at him, “hey. you’re the last one to talk because you took those tequila shots with me, and then you ended up singing and dancing to, rhinestone cowboy. so i guess you can say that we’re both even.”

“but can you blame me though? you know how much i love that song. plus, on top of that, i grew up listening to that song,” jake implied.

“i do know that,” you nodded.

“but anyways… since we are technically both even now. is there anything else you need to help with, to cure your hangover?”

“yes.”

“and what is that?”

“some cuddles with you,” you smiled, with open arms.

“cuddles it is.”

spooktober

[bumbumzumzum1996]

Interview With Obehag

Ladies and Gentlemen! Depression is good, depression is great! If you don't have your own depressive black metal band, it's better to create one before the second coming of Jesus. In the meantime, you can read this interview with Obehag, a guitarist and vocalist from Sweden. A new and one of the finest offerings in depressive/drug black metal is Apati.

- Hello! How are you? How is it in Västerås and Fagersta? By the way, these are two different cities?

- Hello, I'm fine, a little hungover at the moment. Westeros and Fagersta are two different cities, yes. Not much going on in these small towns, they are pretty dead.

- Is this your first interview, or have you given them before? Do you read webzines or print fanzines? Which one do you prefer?

- Me and Patient C were interviewed for "Funeral March" a few months ago, other than that - nothing else. Personally, I do not read magazines, it is difficult for me to find time for this. But if I have to choose, I'd prefer print magazines, actually.

- Tell me about the beginning. Why and how was Apati founded and what is its purpose?

- Apati was created by me and C9H13N because we both felt the need to express our feelings, and lack of feelings. We wanted to create very emotional music that could touch the listener. Professor X joined us a few months later, and after a while Patient C also joined us. But for X, there was so much going on around him that we had to let him go. Apati is now a way for us to express our feelings in different ways. It's about trying to break down barriers, musically.

How did you meet Hekan, how did you work out the deal for the album? How important is cooperation with your record company for you? Did you sign the deal just for the debut, or for additional releases?

-I emailed Hekan and asked if he would be interested, he asked for a promo. I sent him a promo and he liked it. Just. Hekan is very easy to work with and we are very grateful that we were able to work with him.

- If I'm right, the band members are very young. When was the first time you picked up an instrument and why did you decide to play in a band?

- I picked up the guitar for the first time when I was about 15, but I still have not been able to become a master in the game. Haha. Patient C, on the other hand, has probably been able to play instruments since the day he was born.

- Did the whole band contribute or is your music made up of individual ideas?

- All members have contributed to Apati. But almost all the songs are written by Patient C, sometimes with my help.

- Some people compare you to "Lifelover". What do you think about it? Lifelover's influence is obvious, I think. But at the end of the day, Lifelover wasn't the epitome of originality, as in terms of music, they also had a lot of influences. How do you feel about criticism in general? Do you read something like this, does it mean anything to you?

- Well, I personally don't care about all this Internet warrior, all sorts of shit is said on the forums. Lifelover is a great band and they have done great things. We are not trying to copy their music or steal their style. We do what we do and don't give a fuck what other people think of us.

- Where do you find inspiration, or what do you think about where people should get inspiration? What are the influences of other bands when it comes to music, concept, image, etc.?

- Inspiration comes from everywhere, especially from within. And besides, inspiration comes from other people, drugs, nature and of course other music. When it comes to other bands that I have to name, "Woods of Infinity" is a great source of inspiration for me, the feeling they deliver in their music is great.

- One of the band members is named C9H13N, which is the chemical formula for amphetamine. Your debut is called Eufori and the lyrics are in Swedish, I have a feeling that the concept is based on drugs or drug abusers. Please tell us about the concept of Eufori, and about the songs in general.

- The lyrics are very personal and I would say for me it represents an escape from reality and a pursuit of happiness and euphoria.

- Apati (apathy) - Eufori (euphoria). This is a sharp contrast between the two words. Was it planned, was it part of the concept, or did it just happen, without any intention?

- It wasn't planned. When we were doing an album that we didn't know what to call, we had a song called Eufori and I thought that would be a great title for the album.

- Your logo is associated with a more classic black metal logo, with trees, branches, roots, while the band's music and image is much more urban. How do you think the logo connects with the music and lyrics?

- When I first saw the logo I didn't care about it at all, it was the idea of C9H13N who asked his friend Etorigan to make a logo for us and he wanted the logo to look creepy like autumn - the time when flowers die and leaves fall to the ground, everything is cold and gray. But the logo has grown on me and I think it's different from most of the other bands' logos.

- The depressive black metal scene has become huge and most of the time the band is looking for someone other than making real art. Apati - agree or not - is part of the scene, although I like to think of you better than the rest. What do you think makes you special in this overgrown and suffocating scene? Why do you think someone should buy your album?

- Well, the scene that we, against our will, have become a part of, is mostly shit. But sometimes a beautiful flower can grow from smelly feces. Haha. No, but seriously, we're not special, we're not just trying to do our thing and trying to do it well. We try to make an opponent to make sure that what we are doing makes some sense.

- I saw a photo of one of the band members wearing a Ronald McDonald mask. Does it matter, or is it just for fun?

- The mask you saw is the mask of Chania. It's a theatrical mask representing a jealous female demon, I think. The reason why C9H13N decided to wear it is unknown to me. He probably just felt the need to stand out from the crowd of uniformed metalheads.

- What is the situation with concerts? I understand that you have not had concerts to this day. Are you getting ready to play live, if so, will there be anything special in your show?

- We haven't played any shows and probably won't do it in the near future. Although, who knows what we will do in the future. But now it is not the most important.

- Eufori was only released on CD. Are you planning a vinyl release? Are you interested in more underground formats like vinyl at all?

- Eufori will be released on vinyl very soon I think. I love vinyl, the feeling when you listen to vinyl is so different from a CD or mp3 on a computer.

- Does it annoy you when people download your album on the Internet instead of buying it?

- I welcome the free download. It's a great way to distribute music. We don't make music to make money. So to answer your question, no, it doesn't annoy us at all.

- Sweden is a beautiful country - I mean, there are hundreds of ugly and dangerous places to live, and your country is quite safe and very beautiful. Cities are good, everything is "almost perfect". Still, a lot of depressing and sometimes strange music from Sweden. How do you explain it? Are the Swedish people more contemplative, more profound?

- Wow, this issue cannot be resolved by me. Maybe we're just losers? I read somewhere that Sweden has one of the highest suicide rates in the world, so something must be wrong with this country.

- What is your goal in life as a creative person and as an ordinary person?

- I don't have big goals as a creative, I want people to react to my music, I want them to feel, whether it's feelings of joy, depression, anxiety, anger, love or anything else. I want the feelings that I'm trying to communicate through my music to be conveyed to you.

- The second album is under development. Tell us what we need to know about him!

- We are almost done with our second album, it is very different from our previous work. I am very happy with the tracks and I hope people will like them too.

- Thank you for your time. If you want to say something, anything, this is your space.

- Thank you. Obehag.

Interview taken and translated from a site

[gor3sigil]

When I’m depressed and I think that nothing can lift my spirits up anymore, I tell to myself: “you need to live now, you’ll die tomorrow”. This sentence is a double-edged sword. It led to me making the most out of the situation I was in, but it also led me to drink whisky like I’m Dylan Thomas and smoke a pack in one night before passing out.

When I was a teenager, a very suicidal one, I used to put on a movie I really wanted to see before dying, text my friends, listen to my favourite songs or read a book. Or I’d have a good old crying fit for 3 hours, choking on my tears until I felt numb and exhausted, but peaceful. I wrote a dozen of letters to my family, some of them filled with so much vitriol that my parents could light it on fire just by touching it, some filled with sadness and regret about everything I was, am and would’ve been if I didn’t die. I’d look out of the window and say to myself that it’s sad I didn’t get to see a night sky without light pollution, or be naked in the rain. I’d picture everything I wanted to do again but couldn’t: swim in the North sea and feel the waves crash down on me, feel the warm sand on my skin after getting out of the fresh, cool water, see the sunset on Saint-Malo’s bulwarks and go for a walk on the beach after a nice dinner, when you’re alone for miles on end, my hair whipping my face and tasting the salt on my lips. Eventually I’d go to sleep, then wake up the next day. I didn’t die.

For the past decade, dying tomorrow meant partying all night. Chugging beers like water until my vision blurred, smoking cigarettes and joints until it felt like my lungs would colapse. Listening to music, high out of my mind, it felt like I wanted to leave my body even before it’d give out its last breath. I wouldn’t die tomorrow, I was already dead. Everything I did on a day to day basis was clunging unto anything I could to flee this forsaken flesh and these forsaken times and this forsaken world.

When I wake up, I’m hungover, defeated, can’t breathe properly. I didn’t die. But it doesn’t have the taste it used to. I used to be trapped in my family, living a life I hated like any 13year-old depressed teen hates their life, trapped in a body that was changing in gruesome ways and trapped in my room, day dreaming about running away.

Nowadays I’m more free than I ever was. As far as being jobless, disabled, queer and poor can free you. I mean that I’m in a position where I can live as I please, without anyone berating me for my choices. But now I’m trapped in my own mind, my addictions are exhausting to manage especially in my financial situation, and it seems like the chronic suicidality is back again. I could write extensively about my fear of growing old. My spirituality helped me in the past, now the idea of dying in this sick, twisted world only to be reborn in the same sick, twisted world makes me want to vomit.

I used to write fiction, short-stories, now I can’t get in my head that easily. Every fictional story I write is grounded in reality, my reality. I can’t be all whimsical about my problems anymore, there’s no sugarcoating it. I wish I could go back in time to write every story I ever invented and left unfinished.

All this rambling for nothing. I won’t die tomorrow. I know it.

But today, I feel like I’m a hundred years old. Eaten to the bone. Tired out of my mind. And yet, and yet, there’s still so much to do.

[fumblingmusings]

UK Bros and assorted headcanons:

Arthur is the best craftsman. Sewing, cross stitching, weaving, carpentry, plumbing etc., you name it, he can do it. He excels at cycling, rowing and equestrianism (he likes to sit). He has steady hands and good calves (but absolutely no ass rip). He has no eye for interior decoration and is a hoarder and a magpie by nature. He loves his garden and makes sure any visitor to the house must take a turn about the garden with him so he can boast about his plum trees.

Alasdair is the best artist. He does excellent landscape watercolours and became good friends with many of the Glasgow Boys in the late 19th century. Art Noveau makes him very happy. Ergo his interior design sense is the best of the brothers, but some do not like it. Everything is dark, heavy, slightly muddy. He has many flaws, amongst the worst is he genuinely does enjoy golf (do not fight me on this he does I'm sorry he just does). He can be found often at St. Andrew's, knocking balls too far over the course in his efforts to knock out prat students.

Rhys is the best singer. I mean. Land of Song. Durr. His people burst into song whilst waiting for choir competitions results to pass the time. It's a given. He's also built like a rugby player and is clearly the best at it, but he and Arthur get into awful rows whenever the Six Nations is on. He will frequently invite the Italy brothers to take part in a games and usually ends up breaking something of theirs. Like a spine. He has an ever growing collection of hats, traditional or otherwise. He is the best dancer, but no-one will admit it.

Seriously Italy come on lads...

Paddy is the best storyteller. Whether its a seven hundred year old folk tale or he's just prattling off in the pub about some dick who overtook him on the M1 yesterday - everyone stops and listens to him. He's a grand runner, he'll set out at six in the morning and come back at 10 like hullo! and literally glowing whilst the other three are likely all hungover trying to eat shredded wheat or still in bed passed out. He too has no eye for interior decoration, and even the act of seemingly sitting still seems to conjure up shoes and hoodies and books and tissues. It's like he bleeds clutter. He is not a particularly good driver, but really gets in to the F1 races.

[bubblesandgutz]

Every Record I Own - Day 829: Merzbow / Man Is The Bastard Noise Voice Pie

I got a bunch of new followers over the weekend on account of a couple of my backyard selfies... which is very flattering. Thanks y'all, and welcome.

So it seems like a good time to offer up a quick re-introduction and statement of purpose.

Hi, I'm Brian. I'm a 47-year-old musician. I play in a few different bands/projects. I'm a gay man who's married to my partner of 25+ years. I mostly use this blog to write about my record collection. I used to be a music writer but got bummed out on music criticism and burned out on the hustle of being a freelancer. But I still like talking about records and promoting stuff that l like. So here we are. And yes, occasionally I'll throw a thirst trap into the mix.

I have been on tour most of 2024 so I've been largely absent here. But since I'm actually home at the moment, let's quickly talk about this split LP between Japanese noise artist Merzbow and Californian powerviolence-turned-noise unit Man Is The Bastard / Bastard Noise (here conveniently billed as Man Is The Bastard Noise). My roommates got me this LP as a birthday present back in 1996. Admittedly, I was more into the powerviolence roots of Man Is The Bastard than the caustic white noise assault on either side of this LP, but this record was also a nice little introduction to the world of noise.

For me, this kind of visceral and tactile tone exploration is generally more exciting in the live setting than on record. Wrangling electric chaos into something resembling expressionistic art just translates better when you watch it happen in real time. Though the adrenaline rush of this kind of music isn't quite as powerful on record, there's still something exhilarating about these kinds of records when they're done well.

While Voice Pie initially got spins at home when I wanted something on the stereo but didn't want the distraction of actual songs, I eventually found that it was actually a really good record to listen to while hungover. For whatever reason, music that is intensely rhythmic or repetitive makes me feel extra ill when I'm headachy and nauseous. But walls of static and square wave buzzes? That's somehow soothing.

Maybe not the best record to scope out if you're just here for speedo pics. But hey, ya never know...

[skepticalcatfrog]

My Secret Shanghai Playlist

Finally, the playlist is FINISHED! I gathered all the songs a while ago, the reason it took this long is because I wanted to make a nice cover for it, which I did! See above.

Click here for the playlist!

Now when I say "finished", I don't believe any playlist is ever REALLY finished. I may add songs later on, and if I do, I'll add them to this post! I'm also always open to suggestions.

As promised, under the cut I'll be putting brief descriptions of why I added each song! If you want a full, line-by-line analysis, I definitely encourage you to send an ask about any specific songs to my inbox!

~~~

Song List:

1. Chinese Satellite by Phoebe Bridgers - Everyone already knows my feelings about this song and OVE-era Benedikt (if they looked at this other post I made that is).

2. Stiletto by Billy Joel - Again, if anyone looked at this second other post I made they'll know why this is Roma and Juliette, but SPECIFICALLY from Benedikt's POV.

3. Killer by Phoebe Bridgers - This is Roma and Juliette, specifically in TVD/OVE (see also the drawing I made inspired by this if you so choose).

4. Salt in The Wound by boygenius - This is Rosalind and Dimitri to me, they may also appear again later in this list.

5. Eat Your Young by Hozier - I mean. I feel as though this is quite obvious if you've heard the song.

6. The Bomb by Florence and the Machine - See, as I said up above, this one is Rosalind and Dimitri once again.

7. Wish That You Were Here by Florence and the Machine - I've posted about this before too, not in as much detail, but this one is Benedikt and Marshall to me, specifically in early OVE.

8. Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers - This is on here for Juliette, I need to go in depth about this someone PLEASE ask me about it.

9. Please Stay by Lucy Dacus - If you read my fic you already know, this is on here for Benedikt and Marshall.

10. Abstract (Psychopomp) by Hozier - Honestly this one is on here for pure vibes, feel free to match it specifically with whoever you like.

11. Queen of Peace by Florence and the Machine - It's possible that this one may not fit EXACTLY exactly, but it just really gives Celia to me and there are enough lines in the song to prove it.

12. Dream Girl Evil by Florence and the Machine - Again, this is Rosalind and Dimitri, I know this is happening a lot but it's because I listen to just enough songs about messed up relationships.

13. This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race by Fallout Boy - This one is also on here for pure vibes, it just works very well.

14. Sedated by Hozier - This one is sooooooo FLF/FHH, I don't make the rules.

15. Broken Crown by Mumford and Sons - This is Roma to me, in the way I interpret this song and these lyrics.

16. No Choir by Florence and the Machine - I've also posted about this but I don't think many people saw it, this gives me sooooo Roma and Juliette after they flee the city.

17. Dinner and Diatribes by Hozier - Roma and Juliette. I have no explanation for this other than how antisocial Roma is and how absolutely horrendously they want each other throughout the entire series but specifically LVC.

18. Hospital Beds by Florence and the Machine - This song can be associated with so many things in these books that I will simply let YOU choose what it means.

19. Alone Together by Fall Out Boy - This gives me many feelings about the main four in TVD and where they all end up after the two books.

20. Fourth of July by Fall Out Boy - This one is for Roma and Juliette, specifically in OVE when their relationship has become infinitely more complicated.

21. The Calendar by Panic! At The Disco - This one is on here for OVE-era Roma and his conflicting feelings about Juliette.

22. Hungover in the City of Dust by Autoheart - Dear god this song is so good, and it's here for my beloved Benedikt, once again in his depression era.

23. Share Your Address by Ben Platt - I feel like this one could be very sweet for Rosalind and Orion, from his POV. I just like it for them.

24. New Invention by IDKHOW - If you like Orion Hong and you want to feel MISERABLE about him, this is the song for you I promise.

25. Guns for Hire by Woodkid - Another pure vibes one. Give it a listen.

26. My Immortal by Evanescence - This is another one that I feel could have a number of interpretations, but to me it is Benedikt Montagov (in early OVE, obviously).

27. Wouldn't It Be Nice by The Beach Boys - An unconventional choice, I know, but I put this here for Roma and Juliette, because wouldn't it be nice?

28. Romeo & Juliet by Peter McPoland - I mean. Come on.

29. Vienna by Billy Joel - Again, so many interpretations, choose your own adventure.

30. Francesca by Hozier - I don't know if this is more romajuliette, more benmars, more rosorion, or more olivercelia. Obviously I lean towards benmars (you know me) but there's evidence for all of them

31. I Love You Too by Peter McPoland - This one is for Oliver and Celia, in honor of that one scene in FHH. You know the one.

32. Back to December by Taylor Swift - Thinking about romajuliette to this song makes me incredibly sad so it goes on the playlist.

33. peace by Taylor Swift - Again. Romajuliette. I'm right.

34. Ease My Mind by Ben Platt - This is benmars to me and no one can change my mind.

35. Run Away by Ben Platt - Think of this as Roma and Juliette and if you don't become deeply emotional I don't know what to say to you.

36. Absinthe by IDKHOW - Pure. Vibes.

37. Bleed Magic by IDKHOW - I dare you to listen to this song and NOT think it's FLF.

38. I Wish I Was by The Avett Brothers - Something about this just feels like olivercelia to me in a way I can't describe.

39. Marjorie by Taylor Swift - Imagining this as Alisa after Roma “dies” made me very emotional so I had to add this one.

40. Just A Girl by Florence and the Machine (or whichever version you prefer, but this cover is my favorite) - I feel like if I say Phoebe Hong I won't need to explain more.

41. Things We Lost in the Fire by Bastille - This definitely gives OVE to me in a major way.

42. Mermaids by Florence and the Machine - Okay this song does reference England twice but if you just ignore that then the vibes are ON POINT for specifically TVD.

43. Out of the Woods by Taylor Swift - Chloe Gong herself said this is Benedikt, so I must add it.

44. Jump Then Fall by Taylor Swift - Same as above, but for Marshall.

45. mirrorball by Taylor Swift - Again, same as above, for Celia this time.

46. Murder in the City by The Avett Brothers - Just the very first verse of this is Marshall to me, but the rest of it (give or take a few lines) is very Roma.

47. Soon You'll Get Better by Taylor Swift - WHATEVER YOU DO, don't imagine this as Roma visiting Alisa in the hospital in TVD.

48. Hunger by Florence and the Machine - This is very very TVD duology Rosalind.

49. ivy by Taylor Swift - I know this song is about infidelity, but through another lens, it's actually about romajuliette.

50. Safe & Sound by Taylor Swift - This is here for TVD/OVE Alisa and her only.

51. Honest Man by Ben Platt - Sooooooo rosorion.

52. Agoraphobia by Autoheart - This song is Benedikt to me, not in any particular instance just in general.

53. Impossible Year by Panic! at the Disco - This is really everyone at the beginning of OVE, but I put it here specifically for Roma.

As I said above, I 1000% encourage you to ask for more details about any songs you're curious about! I'm happy to discuss. Enjoy!

[hballegro]

alright here's the essay under the cut.

entirely just my experience w/ MASH, almost no editing [just spelling mistakes and a few apostrophe misuses]. fair warning, my father was [is] an alcoholic and a horrible person, and i mention that a bit, so if thats something you're sensitive to, bewarned.

         My story with M*A*S*H begins a hundred years ago when I was somewhere between 5 and 8, old enough to watch television but not old enough to remember how old I was when I was doing it. The childhood I had was overall unremarkable, marred only by my pitiful excuse for a father that parented by either drinking or being hungover on the couch in between screaming at his children or beating his wife. Unfortunately, he is part of this story, but only accidentally. See, he used to do all that stuff in our unfinished basement, on an old ugly couch, hiding from his family all day. Then, eventually, he decided he liked the couch and television upstairs better, and plagued the family room for many years instead, putting whatever he wanted to watch on instead of letting his children watch cartoons. I ended up liking The Three Stooges quite a lot, less out of actually thinking it was fun and more out of it being the only thing he’d put on that I found remotely entertaining, so I was taking what I could get. We kept the old burned CDs he’d made of them after he moved out.

         Anyway. My mother had (and still has) a television in her room (it used to be their room, but she kicked him out) that she could avoid him with. Not wanting to be around the violent cesspool of a person on my couch, I’d sometimes crawl to her room, so as not to let him see me and have him make me come over and listen to some music or whatever he wanted. Old guitarist reliving his glory days or something, I couldn’t tell you. But anyway, I’d enter her room and sit down on her bed with her or on the floor, and we’d watch TV. More often than not, she’d put on MeTV, because she watched those old shows with her own father, and it was a bright spot in her memory that gave her some escapism too. There were a lot of shows on there, but I only really ever remembered things like Gilligan’s Island, ALF, Columbo, Bewitched, The Twilight Zone, and, of course, M*A*S*H.

         I liked the other shows, of course. I remember them fondly, especially Gilligan’s Island, maybe it was the catchy theme song with words I could learn. I didn’t like how brown and gross Columbo was, but my mom explained that that’s just how it looked back then. I thought the puppet on ALF was funny, and The Twilight Zone scared me, but I was still interested. I remember enough of Bewitched to remember the nose wiggle and constantly mix it up with I Dream of Jeannie for some reason. Really, anything was better than watching the same episode of Farscape again, which I’ve heard is actually a very good show, but my father kept forgetting that he’d already made me start watching it, and so every viewing session was just the pilot. That’s also the reason I never learned Spanish.

         But then I got to M*A*S*H. I won’t lie to you and say that, as a wizened 5-to-8-year-old, I could ‘tell something was special’ about this show. It was a show. It was a show that I remember looking at my mom during, and seeing her really happy. Later she told me, after watching it with me in present day, that she would watch it with her own father, before her parents got divorced. Her father more or less was not present in her life after the split, and that happened when she was 14-ish. The show started airing when she was the age I was when I watched it with her, and she and her father made a weekly thing of it. Neither of us at that age should have watched it, but for both of us, it was forming a little bright spot in our minds, a good dream with a parent when times were tough.

         I remember laughing, even if I didn’t get all the jokes. I remember thinking I liked the shade of red one of the characters wore, and also the shade of dark blue the same character wore sometimes. I remember one or both of my siblings being there sometimes, laughing along. One of my siblings told me recently that B.J. Hunnicutt and John ‘Trapper’ McIntyre, both filling roles as doubles partners for Benjamin Franklin ‘Hawkeye’ Pierce, had merged into the same person in their memory. I thought that was hilarious; how could they ever think those were the same person! B.J. Hunnicutt had a mustache! Imagine my surprise re-watching season 4’s opener, ‘Welcome to Korea’, featuring a clean-cut fresh-faced Mike Farrell, lacking the horse brush I had so clearly remembered him housing under his nose.

         But the rewatching, yes, the rewatching. It started innocently enough. Between breaks at college, far beyond my young-youth, the real youth people mean when they use that word, my mother opened it up on the tv and put it on. No matter what era you go to in our household, the TV was always going. Most of the time no one was watching it, sometimes blatantly, loudly, explosively chattering and guffawing and gasping with our own business and ignoring it entirely. It was background noise, we all needed it, so we always had it. But something a little strange happened; my mother was watching it, as she often did when she put something on in the evenings to massage her brain to bed after a long day at work. I was typing away at something on my laptop, like I am now, sitting on the couch with her, which I am also doing now (although she’s long gone to bed), and I looked up.

         I saw Hawkeye.

         It didn’t feel like a rush of emotion, it didn’t feel like something important was happening. That was just my old friend. Looking absolutely horrible with the haircut he was rocking in the pilot, but I remembered him. The pilot doesn’t open with the theme, as I recognized that as soon as it played, it opens with golf, a little vignette of the camp before the choppers come in with wounded. I saw Hawkeye, I saw his shirt, and it really was like when you see an old friend, one you can’t really remember what all you did with, or where you met, or even each other’s names anymore, but you know they mean something to you. You knew this person, and you liked them, you liked them enough that even though you forgot everything else, you remember the love that was there.

         And it was a very small thing that happened, and it didn’t happen with every episode, but I would pause my music. My own background noise to drown out everyone else’s background noise, blasting into my headphones. I’d pause my music, read the subtitles, hear them faintly through muffled ears, and laugh along. Smile when I’d see a smile, and a little more than half pay attention.

         I went back to college, life went on, we only got maybe to the beginning of season two, but my mom didn’t continue without me. She waited, and eventually, I came home for the summer, summer of 2024.

         She put it on again, and the same thing happened. But this time, I way more than half paid attention. I really paid attention. By the time we got to Abyssinia, Henry, I completely paused whatever I was doing when it was on and sat, laptop open, head at a 45 degree angle to watch the TV. I’d still futz around during commercial breaks, but I waited for the commercial breaks to do anything now. More and more it warmed my heart, to see all these old friends I’d forgot about, drag them all out of the closet, finally see B.J. Hunnicutt with that stupid mustache again for the first time in over 15 years at least—it was all so amazing. I was laughing at this show that came out over 20 years before I was even born. My parents hadn’t even met yet when this thing ended. Then, of course, because of the way my brain unfortunately works, it is now all I can think about it, to the point I’ve convinced several people to watch it just by virtue of never-shutting-the-hell-up.

         And then? I finally got to see all my friends go home.

         I remember the night I watched the finale with my mother. We’d gotten to the penultimate episode, and we’d paused. It was near 8ish, near my mother’s bedtime, and she and I both agreed we could not handle the finale that night, it was too much. And so we put on something, My Name is Earl, anything to make noise, something funny, something light. That’s how the next several days went; do we feel like we can handle the end? No. Tonight? Maybe tomorrow. Maybe after dinner? It was a long day.

         But then, after dishes had been cleared and we were both sitting quietly, the sun had already gone down, and she proposes we watch it.

         So we did.

         I don’t cry at things anymore. I used to cry all the time as a kid, scraped knee, called an idiot by a sibling, way too much crying even for a kid. I got it out of my system, apparently, because now I’m an adult and I have trouble with making tears, and when they do come, they sneak up on me. The last time I remember crying was at my grandmother’s funeral, months ago, and before that, I have no idea. I get misty-eyed, sure, but nothing makes me boohoo.

         The same held for the finale. Contrasted heavily by my mother, the woman that regularly cries at especially-touching commercials, shedding a few for every other scene (the bus revelation, the final meal, Charles’s music adventure finale, the wedding dress, every single goodbye, and of course the big one at the end), I was mostly quiet. I remember it ending, and thinking, well, that was about the best finale I’d ever seen. I also thought about how I’d seen strikingly few finales, and that I ought to see more series through til the end. I spoke with my mother a bit about it, we had some good moments from the program tossed back and forth, and she went to bed.

         Then I took a shower, and after I got out, the floodgates busted. I was boohooing alright, blubbering too, but I couldn’t point to why. Sure, there were moments in the episode worthy of tears, but this was full sobbing, aching and pitiful and messy. I just left it as something not to worry about, and went on. Since then, on my own, I’ve rewatched select episodes, watched the finale (again) with the sibling that confused Trapper and B.J., done three paintings of stills from the show, made a miniature version of the signpost for my mom, and started writing again for the express purpose of doing things with these characters, and I’ve only now put a fine point on it. It’s a threefold answer of why I fell apart leaving the shower after watching an episode of television that aired 40 years ago.

         The first is simple; I have got it in my head that I need to be alright for everyone. If I’m happy, then everything is okay. I think it’s a relic from what made me stop crying, this need to tell everyone, “Hey, I’m the crybaby, so if I’m okay, then really, everything is okay!” My tears are (were) meant to be shed in private. They were my own cross to bear, especially for places like the bathroom where I could get privacy, as I shared a room with a sibling growing up. This is something I’m getting better about.

         The second answer is very warm; I finished M*A*S*H with my mom. I remember my grandfather, though he wasn’t too present in my life, and I loved him. He passed when I was young, but I was old enough to remember him, and his death date is near my birthday. My birthday is actually near a lot of either death-dates or birthdays of people that are now dead that my mom loved very much, so I am constantly reminded that my birth is the only good thing that happens to her that month. Finishing the show with her was special. We did it. It’s a tradition now. I don’t plan to have kids, but the future may be strange. At the very least, I know at least one sibling does, so I’ll just have to make sure their kids watch it, too. I don’t have anything of my grandfather’s, his family wasn’t kind to mine  and took pretty much everything when he died, but now I have this show. And I have this with my mother. It keeps my heart warm.

         And lastly, the thing responsible for the most boohooing, is that, like I said; I got to see my friends go home.

         I didn’t really think about it hard, but these were my little friends. I couldn’t remember them, but I remembered that I loved them. That they were something that made me happy, and made my very sad mother happy when I was little. They were funny, they were going through a very bad time and they were still being nice to each other and doing their best. They laughed, cried, cried some more, laughed some more. They drank, but in a safer way than what I knew of it at home, so it felt okay. They hugged, they fought, they loved each other. Then they were locked away in a little memory in my heart, and they sat there for over a decade, nearly two. And then those lovely people that made my life a little bit better finally, finally,

         Got to go home.

         A catharsis.

         Everything isn’t perfect, but all of us are somewhere better now. We have new problems. We have old scars. But the big bad is over. A little part of me healed. It was okay, finally. They got home. It’s okay.

         And if I can pick up a show from the 70’s about the 50’s that’s also still about the 70’s and the Vietnam war about all war that’s also about love and family and surgery with a cast that’s almost all gone now that so painfully soldered its place in my heart that watching the end of it all put me in a puddle on the floor of my bathroom at 11 at night, if I can wait 15 years and still manage to rouse these old soldiers and send them home, a little cracked but finally safe,

         I think B.J. Hunnicutt can drive those 3,000 miles to a little place in Maine to see his best friend. 

[ifievertoldyou]

thaw!quackity playlist masterpost

i made a spotify playlist (and also a youtube version of it, for those that don't use spotify) for @alexanderwesker 's quackity from his fic the house always wins, if you haven’t read it yet, this is your sign to!!

some of the songs here i got from other c!quackity playlists, but most are ones that i chose myself.

if you want, you can click under the cut, where i have a masterpost that leads to an explanation for every single one of the songs that i added onto this playlist. it's in chronological order and is also color-coded by how much i think the whole song fits him. but if you aren't interested, that's ok too, carry on :]

welcome to the ride!! also note that if a song is missing, it's probably bc it's a quackity fansong, so i don't really need to explain how it fits for quackity's story (or it isn't a fansong and i just forgot to add it on here, in which case: oopsies!)

this has been in the works for basically two years, so everyone buckle up because this is gonna be a doozy-

key

color coding key, in case you only want to listen to the Really good ones:

bold + red + italics = absolute cream of the crop

red = i'm still really proud of these

bold = solid songs with some solid explanations / fairly proud of

purple =can't explain as well bc it’s mostly based on vibes but it definitely still fits

blue = maybe a bit of a stretch/relies a lot on metaphors and not the actual song

.

New Discovery

A Deer Mistaking Candles for Headlights

A Soreness So Familiar It Soon Becomes Unquestioned

Remember My Name

Real Men

Goku Is Cool

putting a spin on she's so gone

Solace

Like the Dawn

A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant To Be

Abbey

Four Seasons

Turbulent

Heartilation

Unraveling

Show Your Fangs

ANTI-HERO

Something // Way

BAD LUCK!

Only Love Can Hurt Like This

I Choose You - Wedding Version

Icarus

Landfill

Fool

Cupid

Free Bird

Only Love Can Hurt Like This - Slowed Version (sorry to the youtube playlist people, as this one was taken down on yt so i had to replace it with a different version that i don't like as much :[)

Hungover in the City of Dust

Thunderstorm

Santa Fe

The Wolf - Live

Dam, Damn

Are You Satisfied?

I Love You but I've Chosen Me, Pt. I: Bicker Man

Allez Les Blues

Tongues and Teeth

A Quiet Night at Home

Heart For Brains

Forest Fire

Eight

Pretty Little Things

Curses

Fear and Loathing

How to Rest

.

good on you for making it to the end of this absolutely massive post! If you want, feel free to share your thoughts or any other songs that you'd add, and thank you so, so much for reading!! ^_^

[venacesaur]

I've been struggling to journal lately for some reason so I'm going to try writing some daily entries about my life on here. No one cares but idc. Unfollow if you don't want to read it lmao Yesterday I went to a museum with a friend I haven't seen in a long time, which was nice. But we spent almost the entire day together which made me feel very socially hungover today. She texted me something about how she hasn't been that happy in a long time, and although I like her and we've been friends for years now, it made me feel a little put off. Nothing to do with her, but this sort of situation really confirms for me that I still have avoidant attachment issues, not just anxious attachment (hooray for having a disorganized attachment style!). It's frustrating to be, on the one hand, constantly yearning for connection and affection, but then simultaneously wanting to throw up and run away when I actually get it. Like I'm literally just frustrated with myself for feeling this way but I'm not sure what to do about it. For now I'm just being aware of it I guess. I wrote something a few months ago about how it's just like being super hungry but then suddenly losing your appetite when you finally get food. And the only solution, really, is that you have to kind of force yourself to eat, even if it's only a few bites and you feel nauseous. I know I've also been feeling down in general these past few days which is likely a combo of hormonal issues (my body has been weird this month) and the weather being unusually dismal for this time of year. And then I've been realizing that I've had a lot of nightmares lately, especially since losing my job last month. I noticed that I've had a recurring nightmare scenario about a specific chemical I worked with in my last job, which wasn't even the most hazardous chemical I handled, so I don't know why this one has been sticking in my brain. It's a blue stain for staining cells, which means that it is both toxic and it's an INCREDIBLY strong dye. In these dreams, I take off my gloves and see that some of the stain still got on my hands, and I keep washing my hands, but it doesn't come off. In this latest dream, it actually got worse the more I scrubbed my hands, and there ended up being so much blue all over my hands and the sink water started turning black.

Sometimes my nightmares also have unsettling music or sounds that continue replaying in my head when I wake up (just like listening to a song too many times). In this dream, I started getting more and more frantic trying to wash my hands, and I heard this resonant ticking sound in my head like a grandfather clock striking. It seemed to be counting the seconds but got faster and faster. When I woke up, I had to go to the bathroom and look at my hands in the mirror just to see that they were clean. It's a strange dream theme for me, since my nightmares usually tend to involve supernatural creatures, evil presences, and darkness. I'm not exactly sure what this new hand washing theme means, but I think it might have something to do with my anxiety.

On the bright side, I opened this can of red bean paste that I got from a local Japanese store, and I spread some on toast which was pretty good. But now I'm all out of bread and need to get groceries soon. Sigh...

[lords-of-mayhem]

5, 7, 14, 18, 32, 34, 39, 46 for Øystein and Faust :)

Asks about your OTP

5-What personality trait do they love the most about each other?

They both love how fun and adaptable the other person is. They can adjust to pretty much any situation and it really helps their relationship, both as friends and as partners. Faust loves Øystein's ambition and Øystein loves his patience. He also really enjoys how good Faust is with people, it's a trait he admires in other people.

7-What is something they’d want to change about the other if they could?

Faust would change how quickly Øystein can snap about things. He tends to have a short fuse at times and little things can set him off, especially if he's already had a bad day. And once that happens, his whole mood is ruined.

For Øystein, he'd change Faust's seeming lack of situational awareness. He isn't too surprised, Faust is still a teenager and that tends to just be their way, but it still irritates him. The biggest fight they get into on a regular-ish basis is the volume of music/movies, especially when Øystein is hungover or trying to rest.

14-What song fits them perfectly?

I think (You're The) Devil In Disguise fits them pretty well!

You look like an angel, walk like an angel, talk like an angel. But I got wise, you're the devil in disguise. You fooled me with your kisses. Heaven knows how you lied to me, you're not the way you seemed. I thought that I was in heaven, but I was sure surprised. Heaven help me, I didn't see the devil in your eyes.

I also think I Love You (Like An Alcoholic) fits.

Cast that first glance. Your smile, my veins at maximum capacity, blood pumping so fast. My girl, if looks gave heart attacks. Some handsome dark stranger, you were standing there on the corner. Kissed that first night and then the rain opened up the sky. You had those compelling magnetized eyes you must've lost when you got older. You laughed, but seemed a little sad.

18-What is their sex life like?

Their sex life is actually really good. They have similar drives and enjoy similar things. They have sex pretty regularly, but it's not usually a priority for either of them. Meaning they won't go out of their way to have sex if they don't have the time to and they're both happy with this arrangement.

32-How do they comfort each other?

They're both pretty good at knowing what the other needs now. Øystein needs a distraction when he's upset or hurt by something, so Faust will pick out movies or fun activities for them to do, depending on how much energy Øystein has. When Faust is upset or hurt, he doesn't have the energy to really do anything and he wants physical touch. Øystein will usually spend time cuddling him, petting his hair, complimenting him, etc.

34-What’s their favorite nonsexual activity together?

Getting things ready in Helvete. A lot of times, they'll go before the store opens and they'll get things ready for the day. They always have fun listening to music and talking while the shop is entirely empty, both unpacking things and reorganizing. (Øystein also enjoys this because it means he can organize while Faust cleans because Øystein hates cleaning and Faust really doesn't mind it.)

39-Who gets hit on the most?

Faust definitely does. He also entertains being hit on the most, Øystein tends to divert people trying to flirt with him.

46-How do they make each other laugh?

They make each other laugh by joking around while watching movies a lot. (Very reminiscent of the scene in LOC where Euro and Ann-Marit are joking about the movie.) They love picking up bad movies and laughing about it, especially making fun of bad fake gore and acting.

[itsjaywalkers]

hi angel i hope you got the day off to rest!! drink lots of water n i hope you're able to write a little bit! have you listened to the new taylor swift album yet? if so what's your fav song from it. mine is 'who's scared of little old me?' idk i think it fits one of my ocs really well n its making me think abt them again which im always happy to do! n its overall a good song i had it on repeat last night

have a great day off starfly <33!!

i didddd <3 my manager didn't reply but she read the messages and no one called me today so !! i'm enjoying my day off AND drinking lots of water!! to be fair, my hungover wasn't even that bad, i'm just very tired and my body isn't feeling its best today

and no i haven't................ i slept until late then me and my flatmate went grocery shopping and after that we made lunch!! i've been writing since then. i've seen a lot of mixed opinions so . my excitement has unfortunately died down a little, i'm even afraid of not liking the album </3 i'll give it a listen tonight tho and hope for the best!!

omg i've seen literally everyone talk about how good who's scared of little old me is so !! i'm actually quite curious about that one !! and it's always so cool when u can link songs to ur stories or ocs, i'm so happy for u babe <333

thank u darling and i also hope u have the most wonderful day <333

[chronic-cynic]

What Mitski songs would you recommend to someone who has just started listening to her?

Oh god, this is such a hard question because there are so many I would recommend. This list will contain her more popular songs for the most part, because they are very easy to get into.

My Love Mine All Mine - I think this is her most popular song, but it's popular for a good reason. It's absolutely beautiful.

I'm Your Man

Heaven - Sounds like a fairytale, really.

Should've Been Me - This is from the album Laurel Hell, which seems to be the least popular one, which is unfortunate because the songs on this album are incredible.

Nobody - Another popular song. It's about loneliness and I think it hits hard.

I Bet on Losing Dogs - God this song.

First Love/Late Spring - No words.

Francis Forever

Carry Me Out - Also no words.

Last Words of a Shooting Star

Goodbye My Danish Sweetheart

I Want You - Collapsing onto the floor as we speak.

Brand New City

God, this list is long, but I am going to add some of her less popular (not least popular, but less popular. If someone complains about the songs on this list, I am slitting their throat) songs below that I think are worth listening once you have listened to the ones above.

When Memories Snow

Bug Like an Angel - I remember waking up hungover only for her to have released this song. I think listening to it for the first time in that state killed me.

Stay Soft

The Only Heartbreaker

Why Didn't You Stop Me?

Old Friend - This song, god.

Remember My Name

Fireworks - If I was a song.

Crack Baby

Humpty

Pearl Diver

Cop Car - This song makes me want to bite into concrete.

This was so hard, but I hope you find something you like.