#it's also just sad because it's a level of recognition im probably never going to get again.

[ohburrryoureabsolutelyridiculous]

GLADIATOR II

My official review (that absolutely no one asked for):

👑👑👑👑 - I claim this film for the glory of Rome

🗡️🗡️PLEASE NOTE THIS REVIEW WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS. PLEASE DO NOT READ UNDER THE CUT OR THE COMMENTS IF YOU HAVEN’T YET SEEN THE FILM & DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.🗡️🗡️

Words I think best describe what you see: A whirlwind of action packed thrill ride that left me either on the edge of my seat or literally leaping out of it (don’t worry I was in the back row & only my friend to the right of me) whenever you might think this film is going to go, its probably not what you thing. I went in with one idea & while a few things did happen, there were a lot of moments that left me gasping for air, throwing my hands on my hand, leaping out of my seat, & at one point during one particular scene, my heart was beating so fast it reached 136 BPM - don’t worry we’ll get to that.

Denzel Washington & Paul Mescal command attention & they get it.

Denzel’s Macrinus had me despising him not once did I find myself rooting for him & as a LONGTIME Denzel fan this is a first. The fact that he was so quick to manipulate & found it so easy to put everyone especially Caracalla against Geta & even assisted with his murder was CRAZY. I’ve never wanted to punch Denzel Washington in the face before, then he helped slit my boys throat & literally saw his head off. I will be genuinely shocked if he is not nominated for best supporting actor for this role & I will be shocked if he does not win (depending on his competition)

Paul’s Lucius is powerful & breathtaking. You can feel his pain of losing his wife at the hands of his soon to be found out stepfather, remembering who he is, then collectively watching his stepfather & mother murdered in front of him. His mother dying the same way his wife had previously. You not only mourn with him but push for him to fight to avenge the fallen. Paul still an up & comer I think has a great career ahead of him & will now identify myself as a fellow Paul Mescal fan.

Pedro’s Acasius is tired & heart broken of all the wrong he’s had to do and continue to do in his life for the vanity & glory of his emperors. Pedro is Pedro so of course he’s eye catching but his character & portrayal left me wanting more. His action scenes are great. He commands the scenes he’s fighting in but in all other aspects of his character I just wanted more & it felt pretty lack luster. His interactions with Joseph, kissing his hands & talking shit about them had me laughing because no wonder he calls you such a shit head Joseph, your Geta ordered him dead & your boys shot him full of fucking arrows. (I’d hold a grudge too we’re Aries!) I was on the fence about Acasius dying I wasn’t sure if he would die or wouldn’t. I was convinced if he did it would’ve been an act of sacrifice, but I did not expect him to be murdered by a mirage of arrows nor did I expect him to be the first one out. I literally gasped, cupped my hand over my mouth & grabbed my Pedro besties shoulder for about 2 minutes just in utter shock.

Stand outs besides Denzel, Paul, Pedro & Joseph: Fred Hechinger. He needs more recognition, in general as an actor but also for this role.

He played Caracalla so beautifully deranged & sick that near his end I really felt sad for him. The way that the issues in his brain made him so fragile, afraid, & easy manipulated by Macrinus that he was driven to madness to murder & dismember his brother made me sad to think what would have become of him had Macrinus kept him alive.

Fred is one of those people I think is just starting out but someone we can potentially see big things from. I think he’s got a great future ahead of him & hope that this role helps land him some more supporting & even lead roles.

Yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah Burr what did you think about Joseph’s performance: Of course you’re going to say I’d biasedly only praise him because it’s him & im 😍 for’em & maybe you’re right. But if you asked me on a deeper level I’d say I thought he played this role wonderfully well.

He was deliciously devious but I could’ve used a bit more character development (while acknowledging he is NOT A LEAD in this film) I acknowledge why we got what we got. Opposite what you know (or might not know from Roman History) about Geta & Caracalla these two almost seem codependent on each other. They’re constantly with each other every time we see them.

When Caracalla flies into a rage when Acasius’ plan is revealed & he laughs it’s Geta who goes after him to stop him, screams for everyone to get out & talks him down. When Macrinus puts in Caracalla’s head that Geta is the one who is blaming him for the downfall of Rome & what would happen to Dondas, it’s Geta who is begging & pleaded for his brother to return from his madness not to spare his life. I think there’s a bit of a soft spot for Caracalla to make him appear more levelheaded & human than Caracalla.

His death scene; I went into this knowing he was going to die. If they were follow Roman History I was fine with it. I DID NOT THINK HE WAS GOING TO GET THIS THROAT SLIT / HACKED AT & I DID NOT THINK THAT THEY WOULD CUT HIS HEAD OFF!! I LEAPT OUT OF MY SEAT(don’t worry no one was behind me or to my left) MY HEART WAS RACING. SERIOUSLY IT WAS BEATING 136 BEATS PER MINUTE after this. Insane. I do think they also cut away too soon I would’ve liked to have watched him actually die 🥴🫠

Also… that prosthetic head… Ridley ALL that money you spent to make this movie as beautiful as you did, you couldn’t find someone to make that fake head look more like Joseph/Geta? Very disappointed in that.

HERE COMES THE BIAS: Joseph Quinn is just such a treat to watch. I love seeing him in these different roles. Each movie he’s done has been something different from the last. He pours his heart & soul into his characters & it’s reflected on film. He’s a beautiful actor.

Denzel said it best: “what the difference between evil & wicked? They were just awful but they did it with a smile.” Which is why my main tag for Geta is you’re awful I love you. I just love him.

So in conclusion: when you have a chance go check it out & circle back to me & we can scream about it if you want. I think 9/10 problems in this movie could have been solved if:

1. Someone got rid of Macrinus immediately

2. Geta & Caracalla agreed to step down & got adopted by Lucilla & Acasius & got to spend life with Lucius telling them how they were all “big brave strong boys” got hugged a whole lot & went to therapy - they need all these things

3. Everybody kissed each other 🤷🏼‍♀️

10/10 would recommend

I can’t wait to see it again on Saturday

[kalpasoft]

it feels weird because it's obvious i've 'dropped off' since first announcing my game, the hype from the kickstarter and the markiplier play through of the prototype dying down.

it's weird because of course it bums me out that people aren't as excited as they were, but its also nice because it feels like there's a bit less pressure hanging over my head.

[doomeddiary]

I pretty recently came across one of those ask game posts and in the format of "what color am i" with an edited png full of custom responses by the op and many of them were racy~~~ (breeding+watersports+more uwu) but one of them said something along the lines of "i want you to kidnap me and turn me into a snuff film star" and that made me go hmmm. Let me go and check this blog and see if what im feeling is the internal ping of intuitive pattern recognition or if this is something else, and as I'd come to find out no, miss mamas did have incest+rape paraphilias. Sad! Demoralizing! Blocked immediately! But i was still thinking about it.

(Readmore bc this gets long and rambly and tmi, cw for discussion on sexualized violence and mildly self fellating reflection over the nature of it and whatnot)

And i was thinking on how the first thing that made me pause was the innocent almost coquettish usage of "snuff" as a sexy fun cute concept, and trying to figure out what was the difference between her fetishization and eroticizing of violence and my own sexual proclivities.

Like being tmi open and honest mask off etc etc, I am heavily into bdsm, and i also love body horror. i adore blood and gore and guts and whatnot on an aesthetic and sexual level. It is largely fantasy as many of the plays id like to do are not safe or sane and i take safety very seriously, but its still something i know i am deeply attracted to and find erotic to fantasize about. So I did notice the parallels of my own deviant~ sexual tastes and hers, and i was upset and uncomfortable with those similarities bc again miss mamas is out here posting about wanting to rape st*ve h*rrington off ST like EEP... JEEPERS! and i wanted to unpack that thought and what real differences there were between these kinds of fantasies, and while my friends reassured me with "nooo youre into it differently/they're just doing it different" i didn't like the vagueness, because what is the difference?

And well I figured out pretty quickly and swiftly that it is ofc consent, which is funny given the context of "how are thy violent sexual fantasies different from thine" but yeah, while I am very into the idea of gore and blood and mutilation, it's only if like, my sub is also into it. And that they're miraculously ok afterwards. I am barred from ever being able to do any of my dream plays in real life because it would not be safe and anyone who would consent to them would probably have such a damaged or altered state of mind that any "consent" would be null and void so while its slightly embarrassing to admit, most of the time i envision fictional characters who are functionally unkillable due to some kind of heal ability or resurrection mechanic where they're not only able to enthusiastically consent but theyre ALSO ok afterwards! And its not my sole source of pleasure, i like vanilla sex as much as anyone, but it is one of those things that i know i love but will never indulge in, because i cannot and will not seriously maim or injure another person.

Anyways, all that to say that whenever i run across the "snuff as a cute sexy thing" girlies its pretty clear that the finality and lack of consent is the main draw. The idea of having your autonomy stripped from you or others as it would happen in real life is what is attractive and that will just never sit right with me, it is so clearly unsettling and unattractive to me. And yes, on its face they are both violent sexual fantasies that she likely won't be indulging in either, and I do not doubt that most regular everyday people would find my proclivities just as frightening no matter how fervently i reiterated how I'd never hurt a fly etc etc, but to me, the fetishization of removing consent is a significant aspect.

So, returning to the "snuff" aspect. The way i see it and rationalize it to myself, these kinds of crimes of violent misogyny and femicide happen literally everyday and are not titillating and having that kind of violence and removal of consent be such a central part of your sexuality is different, it changes the context of everything, I don't care anymore that it's just a "fantasy" because what you're really fantasizing about is emblematic at its core of the real violence worldwide. No fucking wonder she also had incest+rape paraphilias. Anyways.

tl;dr my sexualized violent fantasy is better than yours because the people in my imaginary fantasy fully consent and are having fun and we're all going to kiss and cuddle afterwards

[kyaruun]

RAAAWR HUG! HUG! qiapyon loves being hugged :3 and squished (is a slime so squish!) hehe you are so nice and soft :>> not at all intimidating

YOU FELT LIKE A BIG BLOG just so very top tier writing. great graphic. whole package deal. there's only two possibilities that happen to follower count when you go ia:

it goes up, because people are finding you

it goes down, because people are not finding you and your followers think you are dead

THE RETURN OF NYA im so excited rawrrrrr tag me in everything

afadsfhsd me big blog... i guess i'm a big blog. i dont know why 1.1k people are still here for my shitposts

ajdslfsdf its only a few,,, a lot of my blogs are ia..... unfortunately.... and i mostly have focused on nazukisser though i literally cant stop writing for enstars its in my soul... i always strive for weekly for every fandom but darn thats really hard with the amount of shit i have going on

WAAAAAAAA i hope YOUR works get the true recognition it deserves (one day you'll write a leo fic that will become known as that leo fic (in a pos sense))

professional.... ate lis told me that i looked professional on my blogs,,, i just try. lots of trial and error and i always try to look fresh. have gone through so many phases its insane. one time i tried replicating an actual site design on tumblr while combining it w my style and it was so hard. stares at my (long gone) tori fs2 theme

RIGHT like the readers were nice, all of the people were so nice... now its too big like who is everyone... but also its kinda dead too like damn... 2023 is not anybody's year... i wish we could return to all being silly....

help me omg big blog. i mean being a writing blog the writing might as well get a pass but the graphics suck and i'm the first one to acknowledge that. i simply don't know what to do with them >< the one and only graphic i'm still head over heels for and is the reason i still haven't remade my theme is the cute cat soren did for me a looong time ago and is my current banner. it's. so. round. so cute. silly but sosososo adorable

i mean my followers have probably accepted i'm a sporadic writer and i don't really have a schedule. it hurts when you try to put out your stuff but it doesn't get attention but aaa this is the internet. there's no point in overthinking that. my one and only concern is that anons that rq something i answer a few months later manage to read their rq :(

JESUS CHRIST QIAN YOU HAVE 1.1K FOLLOWERS?!?!? big big biggest writer indeed. i just checked mine and it's 744 followers which is an insane number for someone who posts so little!! what you said about the leo fic... i can only hope. i personally think i suck at writing leo a lot. and rei. and natsume. my izumi is pretty much a mess too. see? if i love them i can't write them right. but uuuu i'd love to write a series. i've never tried that. i also considered something like a social media au bc that's usually really cute too. i don't think any of my works will ever reach that level of importance buuuuut. i'd love that

i've been working a bit on some sort of new theme for my super due revamp but i hate editing sooo much. whatever you say your themes always look super nice and cohesive <3 they're really nice to look at ;;

the fandom being big and dead (from a writing pov) is just as you said ;; i occasionally go into the tags to look for cute fanart but i don't see any writing and it's very sad. sorry to whoever might be offended by this but x readers actually carried the fandom before engstars. but we all either grew frustrated with the lack of interaction or found new interests

i simply miss that sense of community TT the nuri era... nuri feeding the entire fandom one post a day. bee coming up with the absolute prettiest things (like hello THEIR PROMPTS. i still haven't recovered from those). swanee dropping these insanely talented bombs and leaving us knocking on their askbox like "pls comeback when". soren's blog (which i actually visit from time to time bc there's a handful of fics that carry half of my mental sanity rn). runa ;;;;

see? i miss a lot of people ꒰⁎′̥̥̥ ⌑ ‵̥̥̥ ꒱ on those are only the ones that came first into mind because there are even more moots i miss... that comfy feeling of being able to jump into everyone's askbox and be silly... nostalgia hitting hard ;;; makes me think i should try to join a server(s) to try and interact with people again, even if it's just some talking from time to time

[dirt-cup-draco]

Harry x Reader- New Girl

Hey could you do a Harry Potter x reader fic, where reader doesn’t know anything about Harry Potter like the scar or anything but she is still a witch and Harry falls for her because she doesn’t know how famous he is

Your father had been given a promotion, one that had forced you and your family to leave America and buy some sleepy cottage in England that your mother demanded to have. You couldn’t deny that it was beautiful and exciting, yet you were lonely. To all of your fellow students you were an oddity. You spoke strangely, you listened to bizarre music, you ate strange candies and disliked their favorites. You just simply didn’t fit in. 

It was easiest to fly under the radar, keep your head down and do well in your studies but even that was hard to do. You often found yourself traveling around the grounds of the school alone, admiring the beautiful castle that you had come to adore in an objective sort of way. There was no doubting that Hogwarts was a magical place. 

You just wished you could make a friend. 

You kept to the back as people chattered excitedly around you, Dumbledore at the head of the great hall, eyes scanning over his students with pride and amusement at the antics. The first trial of the Triwizard Tournament had just been completed and Hogwarts’ students were full of pride, the contestants being the only source of topic.

“Did you see how Cedric-” One hufflepuff chittered to her friend in excitement as she passed your table, her voice fading into the crowd as she vanished. You took a long sip of pumpkin juice and looked around, taking in the students you still hadn’t gotten to know yet. 

Kids in your house weren’t cruel, in fact they were quite helpful, but nobody seemed to want to know you on a more personal level. They had nothing to relate to you with and once that barrier was up, they wouldn’t let it come down.  

Even the festivities going on hadn’t been enough of a motive to befriend you and so you watched the tournament from the back of the stands, half paying attention to the two Hogwarts contestants that everyone seemed to go wild over. There was Cedric Diggory, a handsome Hufflepuff you had heard too much about to invest any interest in, and then there was another boy that seemed to be spoken about often. Henry Pots? Harley Peter? 

“Harry’s brilliant on a broom!” You caught a Gryffindor exclaim from the seat, shoving a pumpkin pastie in their mouth. 

“Potter just got lucky this time around,” A slytherin sneered, their voice floating up from the crowd, jealousy souring their voice. 

Harry Potter! That was the boy that nobody got enough of. It seemed he could do no wrong, yet was always in trouble. A fan favorite of the students but a magnet for danger. You had yet to see what curse this boy seemed to drag along with him and you were grateful for it. Your mother had heard of the safety issues involving Hogwarts and it had taken your father a great deal to calm her down. Somehow, you doubted that a single teenager could cause so much strife. You were sure it was all rumors. 

You weren’t interested in knowing the top dogs of the school. You didn’t want to be an outcast either, but you simply didn’t care about who you were friends with so long as you had someone. It had been a lonely few months and you grew more exhausted every day with sending cheerful letters to your mother about how great everything was going when in fact you were feeling miserable. 

You didn’t need a Harry Potter or a Cedric Diggory. You just wanted to not be alone. 

--

Harry peered into the darkness of his bedroom, fumbling for his glasses as he stepped out of his bed, drawing the curtains closed and tiptoeing to the door after grabbing the invisibility cloak from his chest. His mind was reeling and he needed some fresh air. The first challenge was still fresh in his thoughts and he couldn’t help but smile. 

He had been chased by the horntail and come out on top! It was a rush of adrenaline that kept him wide awake during the late hours of the night. Harry was feeling quite proud of himself but he also wondered what the golden egg could possibly mean next for him. Admittedly, he still had a bit of a headache after releasing the clasp at the top. The shrieking from within had rattled his eardrums. 

Maybe a walk would help him understand what to do next. 

He easily waded through the halls, cloak secured around him, eyes and ears sharp in case someone was patrolling for kids out past curfew. Luckily, he had done this enough times that he could easily come and go without being caught.

Stepping onto the grounds, Harry let the breeze settle over him. The tension left his shoulders and let his feet carry him wherever they wished to go. He stalled however when he saw a figure in the distance, a lighter shadow against the inky sky that had swallowed the moon. It was hard to make out anything specific of this person and Harry felt his stomach twist, his heart thumping painfully. 

However, his scar remained unresponsive and he took comfort in that. Nowadays, he felt like he had to look over his shoulder and keep his eyes peeled for any sign of danger. His name being in the goblet had been odd enough and he wasn’t looking forward to any more upsets. 

Harry froze as the figure moved, rounding the curve of the black lake and coming nearer to him. He was tempted to keep his cloak on but then he caught sight of a friendly face, a face that he had been meaning to know. 

Pulling the cloak from his head, he bunched it in his hands and began walking with a purpose. You, however, didn’t hear him. When he suddenly seemed to materialize out of nowhere, you jumped; a short scream getting stuck in your throat as you recognized him. He was a gryffindor in your year but that was as much as you knew about him. There was something familiar about him but you couldn’t quite put your name on it.

“Jesus Christ!” You hollered, hand flying to your chest as you stared at the teen with unruly hair and crooked glasses. “When did you- How did you-?”

“Been here for ten minutes, invisibility cloak,” The boy explained with an easy smile, holding the patterned cloak in his hand. 

“You’re kidding me,” You gasped softly, taking two steps forward as your hands bunched in the material, pulling away quickly as you accidentally squeezed his hand. “Hogwarts makes me feel like I’m new to magic, Ilvermorny never had stuff like this,” 

Harry smiled with pride, he had managed to impress you. It was rare that he wasn’t stumbling over his own two feet and wondering how to get someone’s attention. He had been wondering how to befriend you since he’d seen you on the train, whispers of your previous school spreading between students. Harry liked odd, he seemed to attract it, and to everyone else you were the definition of the word.

“Gift from my dad. Sort of.” Harry found himself explaining, eyeing the cloak. 

“Sort of?” You asked, head tilted to the side. “So, what? You stole it?” Your voice was teasing and low and you had a mischievous glint to your eye that sparkled in the night. 

Harry flushed and shrugged, surprised you didn’t know. “Erm, no. H-he was killed by Voldemort-” You didn’t even flinch, yet he could see your expression start to morph to something full of pity and embarrassment. “-Dumbledore held on to it and gave it to me,” 

“I’m so sorry-” You began, eyes sad and bottom lip stuck out in a guilt-ridden pout. 

“You didn’t know?” Harry had to ask, scratching the back of his head as you two stood still in the grass, the water of the lake pushed up against the sides of the earth it resided within. 

“We haven’t met have we?” You questioned, eyes narrowed. You found this boy to be odd, his surprise at you not knowing his father’s fate was all around surprising. How were you supposed to know of such a tragedy? You were far from friends.

“No, we haven’t,” Harry said easily but understanding dawned on him in the form of a smirk. “You don’t know who I am do I?” 

“Is that supposed to make you sound important” You shot back, eyebrow raised. 

Harry fought with himself. He got the impression that you wouldn’t take kindly to him saying, “Im sort of a big deal seeing as I defeated the dark lord before i could even speak”. Instead he opted for, “N-No, I just know a lot of people and a lot of people know me. They probably know too much but I thought since you’d been here since the beginning of the year, you’d know too,” 

“I don’t get around much,” You explained, shrugging your shoulders as if the weight of loneliness didn’t make it feel as if you were trying to raise cinder blocks up to your ears. 

“Well then,” Harry said, fumbling to get his hand from his jean pocket. “I’m Harry, Harry Potter,” 

You stuck out your hand, but paused halfway, mouth dropping in recognition. “The triwizard kid!” 

Harry laughed. “I’ve been known as worse,” 

You shook his hand, a smile on your face that he had never seen before. It was genuine and warm, yet a lot of perpetual surprise lingered- like you couldn’t quite believe you were having a conversation with someone. “It’s nice to meet you,” 

“It’s nice to meet you too, Ilvermorny,” Harry teased and you groaned, rolling your eyes. 

“I don’t think there is anything worse you could call me,” You grimaced. “Nobody cares to learn my name around here,” 

“You didn’t offer it, I didn’t ask,” Harry shrugged and you were finding him quite strange, but no less pleasant. You were starting to understand why others so quickly believed he brought trouble. Yet, you didn’t mind it. He was refreshing and new. 

“Y/N, you can call me Y/N,” You supplied. “Can I ask why you’re out here?” 

Harry thought for a moment, taking a step forward. You followed his lead, the both of you falling into a comfortable pace as you walked around the grounds- having grown bored standing in place. Harry wanted to be moving and tiring himself out so that he could finally rest. “Mind if I ask first?” 

Deciding you didn’t want to chance scaring off the only person you had gotten the chance to speak to thus far, you spoke first. “It’s nice out here. Helps me think when I cant sleep. And to be honest, it’s a bit odd sleeping in a room full of strangers,” 

Harry’s eyebrows scrunched to the space between his eyes, his large glasses wiggling around on his nose. “You’ve had the same room since arriving, haven’t you?” 

“Yes,” You meant to speak simply but it seemed he was confused. “I-I don’t get along well with the other girls. Well, with anyone if I’m being honest. I’m just the weird Ilvermorny girl, no one wants to know Y/N,” 

“I come here to think too,” Harry offered after a moments silence. “And, for what it’s worth, I think Y/N is pretty cool,” 

Your cheeks flushed and you couldn’t help the airy giggle that left you. You were certain that that was the first real laugh that anyone had been able to draw from you since the year began. Harry Potter was turning out to be much different than you had believed. 

“Maybe next time I’m out here, I’ll run into you again,” You chanced, hoping that you would. 

“Chances are good,” Harry smiled at your subtle proposition. “I don’t usually talk to friends when I come out here, but maybe I need to change that,” 

Friend. The word rang loud and clear in your head and you couldn’t fight the grin that was present. Not much longer after, Harry said farewell and you returned to your dorm but it would be much longer until you were able to sleep. You were feeling optimistic, and you were quite certain that you had just made your first friend since arriving to Hogwarts. 

Harry watched the sun rise from his spot leaning against a tree and even if hours had passed since you had gone to sleep he found that you were still on his mind. He sincerely hoped that you two would happen upon each other again. You were a rare treat in this school. Everyone knew him before he had a chance to know them. If he played his cards right, he’d be able to get to know you without anyone else planting stories in your head. 

For the first time since arriving at Hogwarts, you weren’t just the new girl. And for the first time in his life Harry Potter wasn’t just the chosen one. Maybe, just maybe, you two could build a friendship that surpassed judgement and preconceptions. Maybe, you two could have something beautiful.

Tag List: @angelinathebook @thehumanistsdiary

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

@theeyethatbinds​ Girl SING IT. SING IT LOUDER FOR THE GIRLS IN THE BACK, SWEAR TO GOD.

Like I’m gonna be real wit y’all I was looking forward to le Comte for a while, but I was always side-eyeing Jeanne. He’s a blunt hermit and grump and 100% mood, so I hoped his route would give me more insight into how I feel about him.

Ladies. When I tell you. It was EXCELLENT. I mean there are so many gr9 routes in the game, I don’t want to take away from them, but there was just something about his that hit me so hard???? (MY KOKORO BROKORO)

More under the cut since his route won’t be out for a little while (we still got Isaac, then Theo, then Jeanne), as a little treat. As usual, pls don’t read if you don’t want spoilers, thanks!

Okay so going into this route I was fully expecting the big sads. I mean, if history has taught us anything it was that Joan D’Arc was a badass but good lord, that doesn’t mean the people of her time were kind to her. (I need to do more thorough research on her, so if I’m getting any of her pronouns wrong or neglect something, I do apologize.)

That being sad, I was like aight DECK MY SHIT WITH TRAGEDY, JEANNE. And at the beginning it’s p fascinating. He’s very ornery and resistant to any kind of consideration or attempts at friendship MC extends. But eventually, after a good deal of persistence, he relents little by little.

I’d also like to level with y’all for a sec. Being someone who knows a great deal in regards to the kinds of mental and emotional shit Jeanne struggles through, I think they handled that part of the route so, so well. Granted, I’m not the kind of person to launch a crusade over different writing styles--but for me it just feels all the more poignant when it makes sense; when certain dispositions or trauma are conveyed with that depth. To me, it made 100% sense that Jeanne would be so against accepting other people into his life immediately.

He and Mozart vibe because they’re so similar, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s comfortable letting just anyone in--much less a complete stranger. I think it’s more that Mozart and Jeanne share a kind of indelible bond/mutual recognition through their talent, actually. They were both prodigies, absolute geniuses in their fields (military vs. music) but their social skills were shot to hell for the very same reason. To be brilliant--beyond one’s potential posthumous legacy--tends to mean being hated. Plus, they’re both principled to absolute extremes. When they’ve decided on something, they will not waver. They’re stubborn and austere, but behind those walls lies a molten core of sensitivity.

This is important to understanding him, I think, before I move forward.

While one could argue that their reaction is a result of that deficiency of emotional and social support (which I entirely concede does contribute to the matter at hand, it shouldn’t be overlooked) I think the real crux of the matter here is control. Think about it. Among the oldest residents in the mansion (let’s say that were born more than 100 years within the range of the present period of the game) are Mozart, Jeanne, Isaac, and Shakespeare. What do they all have in common?

Extremity. For Mozart, it comes in the form of a kind of OCD, as perfectionism. For Jeanne, it is generalized anxiety and PTSD. For Isaac, it is primarily social anxiety--but it’s still noticeably severe. And Shakespeare runs around with a knife, insecurity through the roof, literally unable to trust anything or anyone (psychosis? schizoaffective? I’m really not sure, these are all ballpark assessments based on the evidence I have). In order to adjust to their new surroundings, there was a cost--and in some ways their coping mechanisms become noticeably maladaptive. They were born into eras that were mercilessly unpredictable, and the only way they knew how to cope was to was to either take the blame--make it a personal failing that tragedy struck--or try to immerse themselves into their craft. They all seek to regain some kind of control (this is even visible in Vincent, to a degree--painting was an escape from his emotionally turbulent world).

Granted that’s not to say that the others don’t struggle with such issues at all, I just feel like the characters from more unstable time periods tend (as a general trend) to mirror that instability within their personalities.

All that being said, (I apologize I am a tangent-monger and love meta), Jeanne’s self-imposed isolation is only partially caused by the above dynamic. Yes, he is unwilling to let people into his heart for fear of betrayal. (It’s almost like an entire nation clamoring to watch you burn for something you didn’t do after spending your entire life and talents trying to protect them would do that to you, but I digress >:| ). But there’s another devastating and potentially less obvious reason for keeping people out.

He thinks he deserves it.

Loneliness, melancholy, aimlessness. These are all the punishments that he incurred on himself after a life of what he conceives to be considerable sin (hahaha battlefield enemies go ripppp). Whether or not he was operating purely out of a sense of duty, even if he felt sympathy for his enemy combatants, it’s not enough. And the condemnation of his king, of his entire nation, only served to magnify that self-loathing to a dangerous degree. (Don’t get me started on his parents I’m still so angry >:| they more or less disowned him since he was constitutionally weak as a young boy, and thus could not serve as an adequate farmhand. Don’t work? Don’t eat/live).

It’s hard enough living in a reserved way because you’re afraid of getting hurt, but to think that you deserve it when hurt finds you, no less? And my favorite part, that he’s so profoundly sure that it is an extension of a personal, fundamental failing? That for a person to survive, they must be strong, that there can be no other way--that there is no time or space for ruminations on fairness or unfairness, there are only those who manage to survive and those who die.

Now my friends, esteemed comrades, legendary sluts. Is that enough for us, Cybird asks, are we feeling enough pain quite yet? Fuck no.

Most of his route after we get over the hurdle of his hesitation is just him. Being. Bashful and gentle as all FUCK. Like he is the definition of ��I'll kill you, but also I’m babie.” For instance, she insists on teaching him how to read and write at night when she finds him trying (and not succeeding) to read ��The Ugly Duckling”. Yes I mean the children’s book. I CRIED THE FIRST TIME AND I’M CRYING NOW. So, naturally, MC buys him a notebook to practice with and he puts his name in big letters on the front. When MC sees this, she asks him about it--wondering why he would given he’s so self-conscious of his own writing (boy writes all squiggly like a little kid because he’s never done it before ;-;).

The scene goes a little something like this:

MC: Wh....whatcha go there Jeanne? Jeanne: ? My notebook? MC: I...mean that you wrote your name on it? Jeanne: Yeah? MC: Why? Jeanne: ._. It was a gift from you, and I figured it'd be hard to practice if I lost it...so I put my name on it... (HE WAS SECRETLY TOUCHED I BET AND IM--) MC: Why such big letters? Jeanne: So people can spot it quickly, obviously MC, inches from crying and laughing: Jeanne: Mademoiselle??? Why are you laughing? MC: Because you’re cute, Jeanne!

Like. They start out so rocky and Jeanne is so SIGH. I guess I’ll agree if it’ll get her to stop looking so sad and ask me to join her for stuff. But then he just can’t help but go full softe at how patient and kind she is, starts feeling comfortable just...being who he is deep down. A man that’s always hoped for better in life, a person that only ever takes up his sword to protect--that has an incredibly pure and clear heart, despite so much pain.

And good lord, they are GOD TIER romantic slow burn???? Swear to everything holy, I was BEGGING for them to make out by like chapter 10, I was just suffering for most of the route until the bangarang premium. Here’s probably my favorite moment in the entire route:

Basically Sebastian and Mozart pull out all the stops trying to bring Jeanne and MC together (once they see Jeanne show some interested in her). And so Jeanne asks her to join him in the courtyard the next morning, and they’re playing with Cherie (Jeanne’s pet baby white tiger). Besides being ungodly adorable--because Jeanne invited her for the sole purpose of hoping to see her delightfully surprised--Mozart begins to play a love song nearby. They don’t name the tune, but Jeanne canonically starts singing along (I wholeass cried, I WANT TO HEAR HIM SING????). And so she asks what the song is about, and he explains that Mozart once played it for him, but he couldn’t make out the words at first. Mozart explained that it was a love song that speaks to the difficulties of being in love (the worry, the strife) but also the beauty of the intensity and passion. He goes on to say that even when he learned the words, it never made much sense to him back then--it never resonated.

He’s singing softly with a fond look, and so she asks, does he understand it now? And he looks her dead in the eye, and says “...I think I’m starting to.” Like. AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT LOSE MY MIND AT THE TENDERNESS????? WHAT A SMOOTH MOFO????? MAN RAISED TO BE A SOLDIER, NO KNOWLEDGE OF ROMANCE OR WOMEN, AND KILLS ME IN MILLISECONDS?????? I DEMAND JUSTICE. (Or it’s just me thinking sincerity is the best aphrodisiac, but that’s beside the point.)

This has been your quarantine 2d boy meta and yelling, provided by your local mod Minnie. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to get to the things I’ve been procrastinating on while reliving/dissociating about one of my favorite rts in the entire game. Stay safe and well out there y’all, peace out!

[broken-heroes-and-potatoes]

hello hello!! i'm here to send some requests 💖maybe some Bakugou, Tamaki and Hawks best friends to lovers headcanons? good luck with your blog !! 🥺👉🏼👈🏼

Thank you so much senpai @bnha-imagines-forall for the shout-out and for the interesting request too, to be honest I have no idea what this is..I don’t think that’s headcanons though’ I hope it’ll be okay nonetheless, don’t hesitate to tell me how I can improve! #toomuchpressure

Katsuki Bakugo

- Being friend with Bakugo is already a big thing, I mean, being upgraded from despise/indifference to tolerance isn’t something Katsuki grants to everyone, so you probably passed some ‘unconscious tests’ throught the early steps of the relationship.

- First of all, you intrigued him, pricked his curiosity whether because of your quirk or your personnality, you immediately caught his attention and even with that, he was definitely not the one who will approach you. He [im]patiently watched from afar, listened to other talk about you, studying your every moves from the corner of his eyes. [spoiler alert, he ended up doing the first move because you took too damn long to give him attention.]

- He had everyone recognitions for his strenght and abilities, but he couldn’t really understand why it bothered him that you never showed him yours, not that he needed it anyways.. but still.

- You ended up hanging with him because of your friendship with Kirishima and even if you he gave you the cold shoulder at first, he quickly accepted you and, to the surprise of his closest friend, undertook friendly actions so you’ll feel at ease around him.

- Bakugo being Bakugo, you often get into passionate and, sometimes, sterile debates with him ‘cause of how stuborn he’s, it usually ends in screams and shouts, or pillow thrown at each other. Whatever, it stimulates him, and more important, no matter what, you still sticked to his side supporting him even when he was in despicable states and you’re defintely worth of his trust and respect because of this.

- You challenge him and it’s what drag him into you, not necessarily on a fighting level, but on a daily basis of every single aspects in his life

- On the other hand, you assure a kind of balance, appeasing him when he can’t go down from a high frustration and he realized that as things progress his feelings evolved too.

- You are one of the only person he never pushed away (too harshly at least), the one he thinks of before falling asleep, the one he felt the ‘need’ to be with when he has something happy to share or when he’s feeling overwheelmed by negative emotions

- He’s an emotional constipated boy, but when he pulled all the pieces together and understood what those...unwanting feelings was, it angered him to no point. You never thought a grumpier Katsuki could exist? Say no more. He’s on edge and fuming at everything and everyone. Midoriya breathing next to him? He nearly blew his head off His pen stopped working? He exploded it like confettis.

- Once he was aware of it, he can’t get it out of his mind and it pissed him off, the only logical option he came up with? Avoiding you. And when you try to act as usual? Ignoring you.

- The fact was that the thing he could least bear? Himself. For feeling that way, for realizing it, for being distracted and affected by something so trivial, for hurting you.

- One night when he couldn’t fall asleep because of the situation, turning and tossing in his bed, he angrily thrown off his sheets on the ground, storming off of his room and frowning while taking the direction of yours with a determine step.

- He knocked [BANGED.] on your door, not giving a freakin’ care that it was past midnight, and when you opened it slightly panicked in your nightie, rubbing your eyes, he just blurted out nonsens and the only words you grabbed were «can’t stop thinking about you – it pisses me off – I miss you – in love with you» ponctuated with some ‘shit’ and‘fuckin’ here and there.

- When he finally shut his mouth, his ears turned bright pink, stupor painted his face and as he was about to leave the same way he arrived, you grabbed his wrist to prevent him to vanish and dropped a quick clumsy kiss on his lips.

- His brain freezed, his eyes wide opened, he didn’t know how to react, not even realizing he woke the entire floor with his shouts.

Tamaki Amajiki

- He’s one of most the complicated person to reach, whether physically or emotionally, so it would take YEARS to make him accept that 1 – He can Love someone 2- He deserves to be Loved too

- Tamaki is a fragile little cinnamon roll that shouldn’t be pushed too much, it’s like sitting into bushes and wait to take wild animals in pictures. Patience and delicacy are required along with silence and empathy.

- If you both knew each other since elementary school, he would develop the same bond and dependance he has with Mirio, a solide relationship based on trust. But he would burried deep down his feelings so you would never discover his love to you, neither do he.

- If you met at U.A, then he would accept your presence only because Mirio and Nejire included you without his opinion to the group. If they do so without really consulting him, it's because they both know you could get along and won’t go beyond the pale and impose yourself on him.

- Either one of the other, he would very slowly open up to you, studying you at first, and leaving each time you sat next to him. Then he would accept that you could speak to him, sometimes he would even answer and to finish, he would talk to you and ask for your advices.

- If you’re lucky enough, you’ll be able to put your hand on his shoulder or brush his arm with yours after a few months!

- There’s something pretty reassuring about you, something that makes him feel at ease, almost confident when you’re around, the way you make all of those impossible things for him look so easy and smooth, and the bravery you show to accomplish little things in your life, even if it costs you a lot of courage to do so. He admires your convictions, the way you fight for what you love and what you believe in..

- He likes the fact you consider his feelings and apprehensions and don’t push him too much as much as you tend to help him find solution and don’t go and do the thing for him.

- You enlighten a path for him, guiding him throught the shadows of his emotional blinders, and help him make few steps in this horrific world. And he needs nothing more to fall in love with you.

- It was crystal clear for everyone to the point some people thought you were already dating, everyone except two persons, Him, and you.

- How he blushes each time you smile to him, how he searches you around when he losts sight of you, and how his own innocent smile gained his lips when you joke with him.

- Your two friends tried, REALLY hard to get you together, to help him realize and open up his feelings, to arranged some date between the two of you  while hidding to spy in the background.. but nope.

- When Mirio couldn’t bear it anymore, he took him under his arm to have an adult talk and it rang in Tamaki’s head like a bell.

- Thinking about it, the warm in his chest, the goosebump on his arms and the way he, sometimes [often], wanted to keep you close and don’t let you go after an afternoon by your side.. Mirio’s words do made sens.. and it was freaking him out now.

- A trap later settled into one more arranged date, he couldn’t look at you in the eyes, nor focus on what you were saying. You were so… and he was.. No. You definitely deserved better and there were no chance..

- «Are you.. okay Tamaki?» His heart was about to exploded when you got him out of his thoughts with the sound of his name, eyes wondering on your face in panic, what where you saying ? Why does he have to act like this, why do you look so sad? He’s already a terrible friend, how could he be a good boyfriend to you

- «No, it’s- it’s okay, I should have know you're not returning my feelings, I’am sorry I misread the signs-I .. I hope we can still be friend?»

- Tamaki thought he was about to faint when he heard you, wobbly legs, buzzing ears, blurry vision, he couldn’t think straight, but the tiny bit of reason in his head push few words to escape from his lips before he black out from the pressure. «I love you.»

Hawks - Keigo Takami

- This cocky Bastard had won your heart for ages but you kept it to yourself because you knew it was just a game between the two of you.

- You had to admit he was a pretty cute guy when you both met and began to work together, but this smart ass deserved some slaps on the head from time to time and it was a charm that would drag you to him even more.

- You were like an elusive target to him, reproaching his nonchalance and laid back attitude, spending your time pushing him away and resisting to his teasing demeanors.

- Despite the constant lazyness he tends to wallow in, he took it as a challenge and he put a point of honor to make you abdicate.

- [Un]fortunately, after months of playing with your nerves, he got caught at his own game and he was the one to fall deeply for you.

- You also fell for him hard, and quick after you two became friends, it was some kind of funny fight at first, a pleasant banter between two grown persons, he was throwing flirty comments your way and you answered to him with a wink accompanied by snarky remarks.

- Beyond that, the two of you created a really healthy bonds, he knew in a sec’ when something’s wrong and dropped anything he was doing to cheer you up, leaving all of the challenge out.

- He would took you on the roof of his building to watch a reassuring movie outdoor, your favorite snacks prepared, even if he would never admit that he fly throught the whole city to find them.

- It surprised him how much he remembered useless things when it comes to you, how many sugar you put in your tea, how your mustard scarf look good on you and how the tint of vanilla in your perfurme get along perfectly with the natural one of your skin.

- He also noticed the changed in his feelings toward you, for example, he was annoyed to the tips of his wings when Best Jeanist proposed to accompanied you to chose a new jacket to welcome spring and you seemed utterly happy about it.

- Whether for you or for him, it was more and more difficult to accept the situation when you realized how the feelings had settled down and there was no way to back off now that the relationship always been like that.

- He tried to didn’t take it seriously, but he liked this..thing.. going on between you too much, could he call it an addiction? He didn’t like it but, Maybe. Anyway, he would take the risk to confess even if it means not coming out unscathed

- Being an organised and clever guy didn’t help him much because each of is attempts to wooed you failed as you took it as the natural behaviour he developped toward you.

- And God knows how he gave it his best, he made it clear to call it «A DATE», he offered you flowers carefuly picked with his feathers while you were both sitting in a meadow as the sun set, he was neatly dressed and if you squinted a lot, he even did something to his hair!

- You wished all of this could be true but you refused to believe in it, because the fall would only be harder, proof with how hard the pain already thundered in your chest.

- When he leaded you home that night, you felt as if you didn’t wanted him to go, it wasn’t the first time, but right now, you would have given everything you could to keep him by your side. You anxiously turned to him once you reached the door, no word were needeed for him to understand what was going on in your mind.

- He approached confidently, shielding you both with his wings, his gloved hand on your cheek before you could react and his mouth on yours in a chaste kiss. You felt a smile crept on his lips when you put enough pressure to return it and he pulled away slowly.

- You plunged into amused golden eyes when his breath tickled you in a whispered words «I won», he laughed against your lips, trying once more to steal a kiss as you pushed him away gently, not-so-nice words leaving your mouth.

[peachrogers]

my summation + overall thoughts of avengers: endgame

including: what i found wrong with endgame and why i am currently refusing to acknowledge that it happened.

okay i wrote this a while ago but after i never actually got around to posting it so here it is. 

first off,, i will once again introduce myself since this account is fairly new. hello, my name is mackenzie, call me mackenzie, or zie or mack or whatever you want. this was originally to be my main acc after i deactivacted all my old tumblrs because i planned to start fresh on tumblr again and after watching endgame for the second time last wednesday, this account became a marvel acc strictly so !! yeah follow me lets be friends !! message me whenever if you wanna talk or cry or anything. 

to put it bluntly,, endgame fucking sucked. 

endgame was meant to tie everything together. endgame was meant to be this great movie to sum everything up and tie it all together and to just make it make sense in other words.

there was so much hype surrounding endgame, so much pressure, so much excitement. 

in my opinion? the joint effort of the writers and the directors managed to ruin it all. they managed to take a movie that was supposed to do so much for the mcu, to tie everything together as a final conclusion to this infinity saga and they blew it all up.

endgame wasn’t a horrible movie, but there were multiple parts that i (and multiple others i know of) did not like and i will be going over it in this post.

it’s not just because of steve’s ending, which i know, i know, i’ve bitching and crying about that for a while on this account. it’s more than just steve’s ending.

this post is a little all over the place but i’ll try to keep my thoughts together the best that i can.

just a disclaimer: UNDER THE CUT I WILL BE TALKING IN DEPTH ABOUT THE EVENTS OF AVENGERS: ENDGAME AND THIS WILL INCLUDE MAJOR SPOILERS ABOUT THE MOVIE SO PLEASE BE WARY. (if you haven’t, seriously where the fuck have you been) BUT IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ENDGAME AND DO NOT WISH TO HAVE IT SPOILED PLEASE SCROLL PAST THIS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

okay here we go !! so i made posts before about this but this is gonna just be a big long post about EVERYTHING and i’ll explain everything and why endgame sucked. 

originally i had decided to go through scene by scene and talk about each scene but i mean, that’s not really the point of this post and frankly, doing that would probably make this post longer than i want it to be. so i will be focusing on the important scenes. the ones i think are most important to point out and talk about.

as i mentioned above the cut, it’s not just about steve. i know my user is peachrogers and steve rogers has always been my fave avenger. but its more than just steve’s ending and i’ll get into that as we get to it.

i used a transcript while writing this just to help me completely recall everything as it actually was since i don’t consider my memory completely reliable so i linked it if anyone else wants to look at it.  

and again, as i mentioned above, i don’t hate everything about endgame. there were parts of endgame i did like and enjoy. tony and nebula playing paper football for example, i thought that scene was very endearing and adorable and carol coming to save them really made me happy. 

but at the same time, there were scenes i did not enjoy. and i will be mainly going depth on those scenes since i kinda wanted to just summarize and explain and captalize on why endgame failed at doing the job it was meant to do in tying together these 22 mcu films released in the past 11 years.

so starting at the beginning of the film, after they find thaos and thor chops off his head and they have a five year time skip, we see steve, in a group therapy session. 

where steve once again brings up the love of his life and how everyone has to move on. which SPOILER ALERT he doesn’t. this scene, when i first watched i was kinda like whatever, but watching it the second time and watching it now(or even thinking on it), it makes me SO SO mad. pretty sure they kept this scene bc one of the directors is in it. this scene also just makes steve contradict himself since he goes on about how important it is for to move on and yet he just doesn’t even follow his own advice in the end and it aggravates me which i will get into later on.

so skipping to after scott comes out of the time machine van and then steve goes to visit natasha. tbh everytime i watch this scene with natasha and steve, it always just breaks my heart because of the whole:

you know, i keep telling everyone they should move on and… grow. some do. but not us.

(there steve goes again just contradicting himself:(()

and

we both need to get a life. 

you first.

and i remember reblogging a gif set of nat and steve with the same caption and i just :( bc of where they end up in the end and it’s just its really sad. 

seeing tony and pepper with morgan and the fact that tony has finally achieved a level of normalcy where he has his own life with his wife and his child, it’s really nice to see. he definitely deserves it. and i completely understand tony shutting down steve, nat, and scott because he doesn’t want to risk everything especially if it doesn’t work and he ends up losing it. and i totally understood that.

the diner scene where nat, steve, and scott go to talk to bruce about time travel. first off, i just wanna point off how annoying that scene was ?? especially the part with the kids and them not wanting a pic with scott and apparently they only kept that part in bc one of the kids was one of the director’s kids?? there’s just so much wrong with it. 

and now i move on to the great marvel cinematic universe version of time travel. which in itself really hardly makes any sense whatsoever since the directors and the writers both contradict each other on how it works. if you’re going to put time travel in your movie, i really feel like everyone should be on the same page on how it works but i mean, that’s just me. 

it took me a little bit to understand it bc what the fuck. 

the scene where clint,rhodey, bruce, nebula, and scott are discussing how time travel works and rhodey is just naming off all these time movies where time travel works the way that i see it as working(where your past completely changes your future/butterfly effect/chaos theory) and bruce and nebula basically debunk the whole thing and explain it as how changing your past doesn’t change your future and all the whole thing is just bullshit if you ask me. it’s so hard to understand.

okay im not here to argue about time travel. but let me just give some perspective. for me personally, i just see time travel to work like it did in life is strange because it makes more sense. if you change something in the past, that would directly impact your future. if you go in the past and prevent someone from dying, that would not just change the fact that they didn’t die but other factors would be affected too.

and when they brought in the alternate timelines and the “multiverse” it just made things so much more complicated for me.

and i have tried to educate myself more to understand it, i’ve read through multiple posts on the whole time travel thing and i’ve rewatched movies as well to try and understand.

i guess the biggest thing that didn’t sit well with me is just that the directors and writers WHO YOU WOULD ASSUME would bring some clarity and insight on the matter really just brought more confusion and only contradicted each other and i do Not Like it at all. 

but i mean who cares about what we want ? it obviously doesn’t mean shit to them.

moving on.

uh lebowski thor idk at first i really wasn’t into it and i was kinda like wtf but i mean i’ve kinda come to be cool with the change in character. and apparently chris hemsworth was really into it so idk to each their own. 

and just for the record: i think we all know that Noobmaster69 is deadpool

also i fucked loved the america’s ass joke but i’m pretty sure everyone did. 

okay moving on to stony going to the camp lehigh in the 1970s. really i just want to address the scene where steve hides in peggy’s office. you see on her desk that one picture of steve and the picture of her kids and legiT PEGGY WAS RIGHT THERE IN THE OTHER OFFICE HOW DID SHE NOT SEE STEVE WHAT THE FUCK

god idk just thinking about how it was the 1970s and she still thinks about steve who tbh she hardly knew, especially if you compare him to idk daniel sousa ?? and steve saw the picture of her kids and he still was like lol yeah not moving on.

natasha dying okay yeah that was hard to watch. especially since she got nothing for it. tony gets a whole funeral with everyone and yeah ig she got that one moment with the five of them talking about trying to bring her back but that was it and i hate that. natasha deserved more love more attention more recognition way way more than what she got.

ON YOUR LEFT

okay idk how people heard steve’s avenger assemble when the fucker literally whispered it.

i mean it was really nice seeing everyone coming together and fighting and idk it was just everything to see the final fight against thanos. 

ALSO CAP WIELDING MJOLNIR 

tony dying, like i definitely did cry and it was sad, but in a way it was okay because he did it for them he did it for everyone. 

there was an interview with the writers who said there wasn’t a draft where tony didn’t die and i don’t doubt it because i mean, i think it was needed. i think tony needed to be the one to do it. 

and now we get to my favorite part. you know, the worst part of the movie. where steve just ruins everything. 

in the process of returning the infinity stones, steve decides to create an alternate timeline with “peggy” and live out his life with her in that timeline while actual steve of that timeline is in ice.

okay listen i was cool with the final dance, i think that was definitely needed and it would’ve been a perfect end for steve to do that and return and idk give up captain america. but instead NO THEY HAVE TO DESTROY ALL OF captain america’s character development, all of peggy carter’s character development, RUIN BUCKY AND JUST RUIN EVERYTHING THAT WASNT OKAY I AM STILL JUST SO UPSET BECAUSE FOR STEVE TO JUST THROW EVERYTHING OUT THE WINDOW AND BE WITH PEGGY IN A DIFFERENT TIMELINE ITS NOT SOMETHING STEVE WOULD DO

we all know that is not something steve would do so it just it killed me and the directors hardly even gave an explanation for it and idk its just its such a let down and im just im not okay with it and i won’t be for a while. steve has always been my favorite avenger and for him to go out like this. its so disappointing, steve rogers deserved a better ending than this. 

endgame sucked and its gonna take me a while to accept that endgame actually happened. 

[paragonrobits]

instead of reading Meat all in one go like i did with Candy, I’m gonna do a liveblog of it; writing my reactions down as I go, covering a few pages, and posting the results later!

here is the first one, in which John makes a decision, Karkat and Dave discuss politics, and Jane’s business skills are called into question. Also, Obama fanfic is canon to this iteration of timelines, it would seem.

Well, Candy was an absolute trip-scape and a half so how horrific can Meat be? A lot, probably.

That last scene with Roxy and Calliope, oh no oh NOOOOO this is tragic and super sad, and he just makes an awkward mess of himself?? Roxy was hoping he wouldnt go? And he just makes it SO AWKWARD. HE TRIES TO HUG THEM GOODBYE BUT THEY’RE ALREADY TURNED AWAY. HE MADE THE CHESS PEOPLE EMBARRASSED. This poor, unfortunate goober.

Leaving letters to his friends, OH DEAR.

Karkat likes the Jake butt, i did not see that coming. Then again, the Harley butt is undoubtedly the most hypnotic. Science facts, people.

Rap battle and robot wrestling sounds pretty fuckawesome honestly

I have to ask; what exactly is WITH the epilogue’s treatment of Jane as Condesce 2.0? With her being a troll-hating fascist that Karkat and Dave are super suspicious of? Like, I can see it as being something she accidentally stumbles into as part of her Super Captalist vibes, but… it’s just being presented as a Jane thing from the get-go and she has never shown ANY signs of this at all. Granted, Jane has had the least interactions with trolls, but she has no real NEGATIVE interactions with them apart from Sober Gamzee, but that had nothing to do with him being a troll, just all Caliborn-ish. This whole ‘Jane is a xenophobic fascist’ thing just is coming out of nowhere and I don’t like that.

“Jane is a xenophobe” “a lot of humans are!” okay karkat, honestly that’s fair. I mean have you seen most of our sci fi? Most of it is either about humanity being ultra superior or aliens being evil, or both. 40k alone is gonna be a strike against us, i can tell you that

KARKAT YOU ARE TOO A LEADER, NOW SHUT UP AND DO THE FRIENDLEADER, TAKE BACK THE TITLE FROM WHICH YOU BEQUATHED TO VRISKA, SHE PROCEEDE TO DO FUCKALL WITH IT.

“People don’t love me!” dont you break my heart, karkat, DONT YOU DO IT!!! DONT, JUST DONT; in all honesty, i love that we ARE getting more of karkat getting back to leader basics, though i totally missed that apparently he thoguht it was about commanding fear and respect? Considering he named his team Adorabloodthirsty, getting FEAR from people isn’t exactly something i associate with crab boi

Homestuck has brought us the phrase “freestyle obama fanfiction”, i am not suprised

“That didn’t involve the american political landscape turning into a nightmarish daily joke” AHAHAHAHA oh man, dave, oh man. Oh man. OH MAN. you missed out on some SHIT LET ME FUCKIN TELL YOU

I am still convinced that Dave and Karkat, and the rest, genuinely have no idea that the Mayor, for all his sweetness, is honestly kind of an acerbic asshole when he DOES communicate. Maybe that’s why they love him so much though

I gotta ask, though. How the hell DID humans get into a dominant position in the government?? Trolls live longer than them, they have immense physical and psionic power, and they have to outnumber the humans pretty significantly. I mean, there ARE more human gods than trolls so that might give humans something of a cultural authority, but by that logic the carapacians should be more dominant since THEY (or at least, the Mayor and company) founded the society in the first place. And what the hell is this stuff about hummans being more naturally ambitious? I mean they might come off that way because they’re being contrasted against consorts and carapacians, who are engineered to be generally group-thinkers, but c’mon

Psst, hey. Did you remember that ALTERNIA IS NOT THE DEFAULT STATE OF TROLLKIND. ALTERNIA IS IN NO WAY A NATURAL SOCIETY. IT IS THE RESULT OF AN ALL POWERFUL MANIPULATOR WORKING BEHIND THE SCENES TO ENGINEER A SOCIETY, AT EVERY LEVEL, TO BE RUTHLESS AND BRUTAL. BEFORUS IS THE NATURAL STATE OF TROLLS; it wasn’t PERFECT but if you go by how they wound up without interference, trolls should be winding up as a culture of coddling and easy-going caretakers. In-universe they sohuld GODDAMN KNOW THAT, COME ON

Okay, this confirms something for me, though; this is a post scarcity society. They dont NEED TO SPEND MONEY ON ANYTHING. THERE IS LITERALLY NO REASON FOR WEALTH OR MONEY TO EXIST IN ANY FORM WHATSOEVER. So why even bother with the pretense? What is the POINT of people having jobs if all resources and products can be produced on the spot??? Like your wealth is meaningless, Dave, and honestly you have to know that and you’re keeping it going because its part of your aesthetic to fuck around and amuse yourself with the knowledge that its pointless to care about valueless money but, STILL. SERIOUSLY. It does illustrate his point that Jane doesn’t realy know what she’s doing when it comes to business, though

(im not saying that Terezi needs to be here and just leaving Vriska to her own devices and hanging out with Dave and Karkat and helping them build a better world and making bizarre comebacks but… she does, someone do an AU of ‘President Karkat and Terezi is his terrifyingly charismatic vice president’ please

...okay but WHY is the world seeming to follow the American political system. I mean, why though

I dont know why but it really makes me happy that the Dirk Decapitatio Meme is actually canon. I mean, not like in the Candy route. That was fucked up beyond all recognition.

[destressjournal]

DCOM Rankings # 90: Let it Shine

Right off the bat: this was a MUCH easier watch than radio rebel, it was basically night and day! (Which is why this review is coming out quicker than I thought it would). It was really refreshing and it’s a little sad this movie doesn’t get enough recognition because, spoiler alert, it was pleasantly surprising!

I’m also first gonna say that im a little surprised that the actor from everybody hates Chris wanted to do a DCOM. I guess since EHC was slightly more mature show and DCOMS are obviously way more kid friendly. But I’m not complaining too much over here, I think overall he was a great match for the character of Cyrus. Actually the casting for everybody was great! I have 0 complaints about that. The only thing I will say about the main actor (I’m terrible I don’t remember his name) when he smiles it really looks like he’s in pain. Maybe it’s a cringe smile, in which case I completely understand. We all know how these movies are, don’t kid yourself. Everything else about the actors, great, amazing, spectacular!!

I’m going to address the cringiness of some of the scenes in this movie, and while I personally didn’t identify anything that was racist, this is one of the few DCOMS that focus on a mostly black cast, and it surrounds the rap/hiphop culture. I’m sure there was something offensive in there but I can’t really comment on that...not that I’m looking for offensive content it’s just that implicit bias is a big problem even at Disney. And the more we educate about the small things the less they will occur or teach about them, cuz racism is learned, it’s not natural.

Now, that all being said, I do like that they get audiences comfortable with rap music. Like me for example, I hated rap music and just flat out refused to listen to it for the longest time. Basically I was like Cyrus’ dad except I wasn’t like at his level I just personally prefer songs that I can actually sing along to. But I still had that bias like I just refused to listen to it no matter what it was, and I had a friend tell me once that “you might find you might like some rap songs if you look at the lyrics” and I realized how biased I actually was. I refused to listen to any type of rap but now I realized once I started listening to some of these popular rap songs that there are some deep meaning behind some of these lyrics. I’m still never going to love rap just because it’s not my cup of tea and that’s okay, but I now appreciate it for being another way folks can express themselves and get their message out. However, still don’t like the rap songs that just talk about sex and drugs. But I guess there’s musical lyrics that just talk about sex and drugs too so...ehhhh. Anyway. Point is, I appreciate rap’s place in society today, even if I’m still not the biggest fan of it.

Sooooo yeah! This is one of those “I can sing (rap) but I’m too shy/scared to do it in front of other people, even though I clearly show I’m very good. And the lesson here is to always express yourself. Something like that. DCOM’s have done this so many times at this point it’s not even funny anymore. And I’m like 99.9% sure it won’t be the last time. It’s such an easy uncomplicated lesson to teach to kids.

At least with this movie they do make it at least a little bit different than the other movies. Not a LOT different but enough to still make it entertaining. And thank the lord above that the characters actually seem like REAL PEOPLE, albeit, DCOM versions of real people but still! It’s in the right direction (compared to the last disaster movie).

Okay where to start with this....the characters? I like them! The main ones anyway. That “villain” rapper dude, who was also in star struck, was probably my least favorite, but not just because he was the antagonist and we are supposed to hate him, but I think he could have been developed a bit more, and maybe somewhat redeemed at the end. But that’s just me. The ending was fine, and maybe DCOMS have a habit of redeeming their antagonists and this was one of the times where they didn’t. Maybe that’s more realistic. So who knows.

Anyway, all the other characters are great and have their role in the story like they should. Cyrus is the shy protagonist, Chris is the foil for Cyrus, he looks like a rap music star (DCOM version), but can’t rap a beat. Cyrus doesn’t look the part but he can make lyrics fly off a page. Roxie is the “girl prize at the end” which I hate when movies do that, but at least she fights them a little about it before they get their happy ending.

If there’s one thing I don’t like about the ending. It was a little rushed. And Roxie took the biggest blow. That intense scene with Chris and Cyrus, where she told them she was never taking to them again, basically meant nothing when she’s completely fine after Chris forces her to listen to him about Cyrus. And everyone’s just happy and they play the happy song and then the credits roll.

WHAT. that’s it?? That was the only thing that really upset me. You want to know my favorite part(s) of the movie??

The main characters actually APOLOGIZE in a very genuine way that doesn’t seem too overreaching or unrealistic! Chris realized what his proposed fame was doing to him, he was living a lie and the guilt was destroying him. Plus it had to have been exhausting trying to come up with ways so he couldn’t perform live. His apology to Cyrus was an amazing scene and I was just so surprised because usually main characters are just like “I’m sorry, friends?” And they hug and that’s it. Even if Roxie forgave the boys too quickly, their apologies were so sincere. And now I know that both of them grew as characters throughout the movie.

The songs themselves were okay. Nothing particularly special. But again, it was mostly rap music so it didn’t grab me like it does with other types of music. But like I said, that’s okay, and they’re not bad songs, just not my cup of tea. But these guys do have talent, I will definitlely give them that!

Overall I really liked it. It wasn’t the best DCOM I’ve ever seen but it really did surpass my expectations. And if I ever found myself watching it again for some reason I wouldn’t complain. Despite the overused moral, it found a way to at least make it fresh and flow along with the story. The characters don’t really make outlandish or out-of-character decisions. (Except for the very end of the movie). Everything felt genuine and real. Within the context of the movie that is.

I’m going to give this a straight B as a grade. I don’t think this is quite A-tier because it doesn’t feel big enough, but it’s definitely still a high quality movie. But who knows what will happen when I use my new ranking system at the end of all this.

Okayyyy well I think this movie was the last movie I’ve seen trailers for. I’m really headed into unknown territory here with this next one. Wish me luck!

[harryfeatgaga]

I'm dying laughing at the CEO of the Recording Academy trying to cover his ass cause he knew he made a mistake all while questioning if Harry's reached a "level of excellence to merit a nomination." But gave the Chainsmokers and Meghan fucking Trainor a Grammy. Where was the excellence from them? The Chainsmokers song was played at Frat parties and dirty basement, is that's excellence then I don't want Harry to reach that point.

i literally cannot believe

Anonymous said: My dad just texted me from work to see if I was okay because he got a call from the neighbours saying there’s been the same song on loop on full blast (that song is the Grammy robbed Sign of the Times by the Grammy deserving Harry Edward Styles)

DJNFBGUHFBJNHFIJNBFHJKF MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: I bet that one anon you got a few days ago is cackling and trying to talk shit about how they knew Harry isn't talented enough to get a Grammy or something stupid like that

they can ch*ke

Anonymous said: Niall did great things with his album and it got great hype by both the public and music producers so if his album made the deadline I would easily say his album deserved a nomination. But the other boys haven’t even released albums yet and their singles were just good for radio play.

i haven't listened to his album still lol but noah fence from what i saw it did not get nearly as great reviews and hype as harrys lol and idk why the others even bothered fhbgfjkvl

Anonymous said: Boycott the Grammys 2k18!

tru!!!

Anonymous said: I’m just going to air out my grievances if that’s ok- first of all,Harry’s management or record company stuffed up bad cos y’all know damn well the members don’t vote artists with a progressive sound into the rock category so you fucked up there. second - Bruno mars is clearly this ceremony’s Taylor swift cos idk how tf his flimsy song about material things got nominated over a relevant refreshing ballad like SOTT . Harry deserved better , but also, harry needs to fire some incompetent people ✌️

well harry made music he wanted lol not stuff thats gonna get played on the radio which i enjoy lol but yea bruno is the tswift this year....or j*y z

Anonymous said: The thing that sucks is he most likely was planning on going to the Grammys cause he's performing for Fleetwood Mac the day before, but now he's going to be in New York and not going.....

PLEASE :(

Anonymous said: I was really disappointed but more for him than me like my first thought was “I hope he’s alright and not too sad about it” And I really hope he understands that it doesn’t make him any less good because an award is just an award and it never defines who you are as an artist and as a person.

i know I'm so sad for him i hope he's okay :(

Anonymous said: Harry is the best artist in the world right now he doesn’t need awards!!

tru! but it would've been nice to even get a nom/recognition

Anonymous said: You can tell the Grammy' will just nominated any old shite. I mean Ed Sheeran has the biggest album of the year yet he isn't nominated. And i didn't even know JayZ had an album out and he's nominated. Like no offense but American music industry is just shit.

ed is nominated and some other categories which I'm sure he will win and literally same i had no idea jay z had music out lmao

Anonymous said: Scrap what i said, Zayn didn't get nominated. It was for songwriting and he didn't write that song.

good

Anonymous said: He got all that hype, he did that private show for them, they went his his first show in LA. They for sure used him for hype and media attention. Robbing bastards.

seriously

Anonymous said: A LOUIS FAN CLAIMING LOUIS DESERVED A NOM YALL I WAS SAD BUT NOT NOW. NOW A BITCH CANT STOP LAUGHING. HE AIN'T EVER GETTING SHIT

LMAOOOOO BYEEEEE AS IF

Anonymous said: I just hope he knows Grammys ain’t shit

honestly

Anonymous said: I know it’s not the end of the world, but I hope he’s not super disappointed and sad, because everyone hyped him up so much smh. Also, I bet this will change how he does promo and radio shit for his next album, they should get him a radio deal just for the fact that clearly that’s all these loser Grammy voters care about.

well if thats what he has to do to get a grammy i don't think that would be worth it and i don't think he would think that either

Anonymous said: Jay Z can fucking choke like his album? The shit he did to beyonce? I’m not fucking rewarding a man for being like that anymore, he can take his ancient ass somewhere else.

nasty

Anonymous said: Good, now I don’t have to watch the Grammys this year, I’m glad tbh since I’m not really a fan of any of the other nominees and I’m sick to death of hearing the same five songs all fucking year lol, that issues song? Fucking hate it, have since day one, can’t believe it got nominated for shit lol. However Jeff needs to get Harry a radio deal since clearly that’s all that matters to voters, considering Harry did all the courting of the voters he could and still got fucked.

i literally haven't even heard most of whats nominated its such a joke

Anonymous said: Most nominees in the important categories are poc so I’m not completely mad and besides Despacito or however you write it (which is a horrible song) they nominated well deserved ones. I still think SOTT should’ve got at least one nomination but I think that maybe because harry is fresh out of the oven they’re not gonna straight up give him a nomination even if he deserves it.

yea i mean its awesome theres actually diversity this year but SOTT literally deserved a ROTY nom

Anonymous said: Nah Harry will get Brit nominations because he’s respected in his own country, the Brits also nominated 1D they don’t hold being in a boy band against him which clearly the Grammy voters do, which is a real shame tbh. But the Grammys are continuing to dig their own grave and become more and more unimportant every year.

i cant wait till the grammys just make such a food of themselves no one goes

Anonymous said: Pls the whole Grammys is a conspiracy theory lol I told you

a mess

Anonymous said: The Grammys lost all credibility after giving Adele Album of the Year last year and not Beyonce. They stick to the basics and just anyone who doesn't "break the rules of music" Harry's first solo song was a 6 minute long rock ballad, which doesn't go with what was expected to be put out. They don't care for originality or you know talent, that's why Ed Sheeran's wack ass has won 🤷🏼‍♀️

SERIOUSLY

Anonymous said: He'll probably get nominated for Song of the year and Video of the year at the Brits. Pretty sure both are fan voted. Maybe best male as well. Also maybe best album but then again probably not because it depends. Also maybe global success. I can't think who else would get that right now. Maybe Ed Sheeran again.

i hope so

Anonymous said: Grammys? I don’t know her. Anyway I hope Harry knows how proud everyone is of him and I hope he’s proud of himself I love my baby 🤧💕

ME!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: i feel so much for harry i mean he did everything he could he put out a phenomenal single and a stellar album and worked with amazing producers and writers and did the grammy performance thing and all that stuff with cbs and like i know im biased but he deserves SOME recognition for all of that like he really did put out amazing music this year that was so much more worthy than despacito like come on he was robbed i just hope he feels okay and valid bc he IS :(

i know :( like i hope he knows he still has done such incredible things this year and his album is so good and he doesn't need a stupid grammy anyway

Anonymous said: Taylor is nominated for two (one for the country song she wrote). Like no offense the the American music industry but you need to get your head out of Taylor arse and stop being snobs. SOTT deserved a nomination.

when will they stop kissing her ass

Anonymous said: Harry broke records held by legends, had a BBC special, performed at the record academy, and sold out an arena tour in minutes. So Julia Michaels and Ed Sheehan can take their boring ass music along with their nominations and shove it up their asses.

TBH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: I’m sorry but I have to point out the irony. The lyrics of the song are literally stop your crying it’s a sign of the times. and I know there’s a deeper meaning, but this year fucking sucks

i know :(

Anonymous said: All that hype for nothing. Boy was robbed. Sign of the times deserves a Grammy.

ROBBED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: Everyone knows no one, NO ONE deserved a nomination more then Harry. White old men disappointing me again. Like every fucking person said Harry deserved one. ISSUES AS SONG OF THE YEAR? YALL I NEED THEIR CRACK DEALER CAUSE CLEARLY ITS SOME GOOD SHIT TO GET YOU TO THINK FUCKING ISSUES IS SONG OF THE YEAR. Nah fuck them.

FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: I’m so?? Noah fence but the songs that got nominated? What the fuck???? Harry deserved to be up there whether it was roty or aoty idc he just deserves to be nominated.

seriously

Anonymous said: LISTEN in 10 years time people will look back and say why the fuck wasn’t SOTT a Grammy winner... he is timeless and he’ll win in the end!! The Grammys are fucked

THEY WILL REGRET IT

Anonymous said: The Grammys just proved again how much they don’t matter lol, Harry’s song and album was on every single list as one of the best of the entire year, and the you know who wasn’t? Most of those other songs lmao so whatever man I know the Grammys matters to harry, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore they continue to be irrelevant and continue to nominate mediocrity.

its such a joke lmao

Anonymous said: Yeah honestly the Grammys really do only care about awarding the same people over and over again, and it’s like, no offense but who cares lol. I’m sure Jay Zs album is good but he’s nearly 50 and been nominated a ton like idc anymore lol. And I like Bruno mars but seriously? The songs he was nominated for really aren’t that great lmao.

seriously tho like j*y z has enough awards

[redlemonz]

Day #23

The growing loneliness is consuming me further, and the emptiness and nothingness I was experiencing a couple days ago is returning. Maybe it’s my mind’s way of actually accepting the circumstances that have unfolded, and to advise me that my life has already peaked and that I’ve had my golden moments, thanks to her - so it’s time to come back down. I don’t even realise my own sense of depression sometimes anymore because I’m just this lost, wandering soul who’s walking down an empty street on his own. My head even feels physically heavier these days, carrying the burdens that I’ve created for myself and am a consequence to. Yet at the same time I’m so empty and forsaken. For a guy who is accustomed to a lot of spice in his life, I feel extremely plain and robotic, losing touch with my humanity again - as if I’m being forced to walk down this street in an absolutely straight line. It feels as though I’m just over everything this life really has to offer. The constant array of disappointment on a daily basis and never being truly satisfied, as is human nature. Part of me has shut down and given up in bothering to continue to try to alter this reality, as I seem to always end up strolling along in this endless circle of despair nevertheless. It’s a numbing extravaganza to say the least. I’m drifting away into the abyss, further away from the rest of my world, and her - just wish I literally could leave. Another day to get through with this mask that forcibly has to be glued to my face. Thinking of her and imagining the thought of her hand holding mine tends to guide me through these days. The smile on her face, the good memories and the sincere companionship and comfortability we both shared together is always a golden recollection in my head that enables me to keep walking now, even if it is currently in this never ending circle. And each time I click back to reality from being stuck in those day dreams, a combinative sigh of both relief and disappointment at the same time are released - as a result of the memory being created at all, and the current outcome I’m living. It’s sort of like that moment in Inside Out (as real as Disney movies get to be fair) in which the sadness combines with the core memories of happiness present in Riley’s mind, to provide a beautiful display of the whole, real picture. So I do cherish all these amazing memories shared with her, that constantly bring smiles to my face when I reflect upon them. I just don’t want them to end.. I want our story to continue.

Day 23 - lost & alone

Bloody hell, I’ll tell you one thing that never ends at work though. My colleagues constantly asking me how she’s doing, or how things with us are. Those use to be some of my favourite questions up until a month ago. Im so accustomed to it always bringing me extreme joy and a big smile across my face, to be reminded and know that I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have this beautiful girl in my life. A few of them have met her too, as she’s encountered a couple as her own colleagues at the casual security role we undertook together. She’s also attended a work social event in which I had organised a dinner and movie night, at which she met a bunch more and even got a hug from the future bride to be colleague at the time - who’s wedding we ultimately attended together. Even more so, she caught public transport upon my recommendation to actually come over, which is generally unusual. What gave me the utmost cheerfulness and filled me with happiness in these moments was being able to actually hold her hand at the movies, and dance with her at the wedding, with a familiar family of faces around rather than strangers for a change. It was so fulfilling and delightful to actually bring a plus one who I wanted to keep as a plus one for the rest of my life. I just felt so proud and joyous to be able to not hide from people, the fact that this is my absolutely beautiful and stunning best friend, who I’m in love with. These are also continuous and further reminders of the displays of the amount of time and effort she actually contributed into being a part of the various aspects in my life. She emerged out of her comfort zone on plenty of these occasions, to make me happy and presented her love to me by doing so. I just wish I had more chances to do the same with her, even though I tried (but probably too eagerly, and too much - which pushed her away from me and reduced my chances if anything). Nevertheless, we all know how the story goes - yup, took her and all of it for granted. So here I am, smiling at the friendship I’m still lucky to hold onto and be graced with, and answering these questions with a half smile. She’s doing really well, yeah, architecture firm in snowy mountain town down south - but unfortunately we’re not together anymore. Though I only respond with that second unfortunate part if they even ask the latter of the two questions aforementioned - which I usually hope they don’t, because it’s consistently crushing to vocalise the true reality. And then, because after that rain on my lack of a parade of a day, the clouds of my mind never seem to cease bursting. At least I got the opportunity to literally walk around a bunch more (for work purposes obviously) than usual today, and tried to clear my head in the process. It’s a funny thing though - putting your right hand on the Bible and swearing to affirm the verifiability of documentation being true and correct, when the idea of religion and God has been belittled throughout the years of my life. The amount of trust that society can bestow within you, a stranger, to tell the truth really does display a beautiful quality within humanity. Which in turn also makes it an absolute shame and an act of dishonour, that I failed incredibly highly to have enough faith and reliability in her, and ironically placed that doubt about us in her mind. Oh the on-going regret and lack of realisation until it’s all been stripped away pains me as much as the day before. The quantity of times I’ve shaken my head in more than simply a metaphorical manner at myself in disbelief of my behaviour and mistreatment is unfathomable at this point. Oh woe is me, right? Nope - I’ll just continue digging away, with my shackled ankles, at my endless pit of all these negative sensations that formulate this damn self loathing. It’s exhausting and agonising as hell to keep at it, but I can’t stop digging, because I don’t have the capability to walk away with these chains stranding me. And I don’t want to stop digging either, because I’m very afraid that if I do, that pit could some day turn into a grave.

Another evening at indoor, another goal scored. What an absolute champion, right? Nah - we got absolutely thrashed. Probably because our bald headed eagle of a superstar wasn’t in attendance tonight unfortunately. I noticed tonight that I just felt out of place, and am slowly detecting an increasing sense of estrangement. Even amongst friends now, I don’t feel as though I have much of a recognition of belonging anymore. Maybe it’s just a passing phase which I’ve unintentional indulged as a side effect of this insanity I’m currently experiencing. Maybe it’s a sign of a new chapter beginning in my life beyond that horizon. Guess I won’t know straight away, and have to learn to embrace the virtue of patience much more. I’m ready for life to take me into a different direction, so that I can have a fresh chance at rebuilding myself and starting anew. I just wish she could be on the journey with me. But for the interim I’m just feeling down right depressed in my lonely state, and I can’t really do anything to change it. It feels as though the depression is the core part of me, which controls me and fundamentally branches off into who I am as a person. Sadness is simply familiar and comes along quite naturally, as much as it sucks. In the end, no matter what vacation my mind ends up taking, the happiness from that is temporary, and I’ll eventually find a way to ruin everything and return home to my sadness, because it’s where I belong. It’s how things are just meant to be. That’s okay though, it’s normal, and if it hurts, then it hurts because it actually matters. I can truly understand one of the reasons why she couldn’t end up loving me either - because I don’t even love me. But I can’t say that I’m sorry for loving her and hating myself. I’m struggling and fighting each day to get over this atelophobia; fear of never being good enough. It’s not a battle one should ever rely on or ask anyone else to assist them with by doing things to make you feel more worthwhile or recognised, and constantly seeking their attention accordingly, the way I did. I’m constantly trying my best though, and even if I have to keep my mask up for the sake of others, I will. One of my favourite comedic actors who was actually a victim of depression and unfortunately lost his battle with himself, once stated that he thought the saddest people always try their hardest to make others feel happy, because they realise what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and don’t want others to feel that way. That’s always being the inspiring goal, and I feel as though I can actually identify with that statement. The worst part as a consequence to failing in that regard though (as I constantly seem to) is that your level of worthlessness increases, and you don’t see the point in yourself anymore after you feel as though you’ve been sacrificing and trying anything and everything you can to make things better, and haven’t given up. But when the other person openly gives up on you, and decides it’s not worth it anymore - well, fuck. There’s not much more you can do, other than continuously brawl with the waves to save yourself from drowning (and I can’t even probably literally do that, let alone in this regard). This game of life isn’t over yet, and you’re not going to let it conclude either. One painful, tiring day at a time. Im not apologetic for the constant repetitive themes and descriptions each day either, even though I realise it’s all really mundane. It’s repetitive for a reason, because my daily reality is all over the fucking place, just as my scrambled head is. And I’m also just a naturally boring person, with nothing of actual value to offer. On a lighter note, I had another fun and lonely burger date without her tonight. Missed her again. Better sleep before it gets later - because the darker the night, the more torturous the mind. Ah, sleep - the ultimate escape.. that is, until she conquers your dreams with that smile too. Except that I love it.