#it's also been turning my 'extremely realistic getting killed' nightmares into 'extremely realistic self body horror' nightmares which is

[multicarinata]

podcast update: I'm nearly done with it which is so scary. hoping that marn's flagrant violation of shut the fuck up friday means that roseroot and everyone inside it has already been burned to ashes

[timerogued]

JACK’S MENTAL HEALTH.  

TW  for  mental  health,  depression,  anxiety,  suicidal  thoughts,  the  lot.

jack’s official and clinical diagnosis were not completed until he was around the age of 24 but has suffered from the symptoms of his illnesses for as long as he can remember. his diagnosis was done professionally first by counsellors at his workplace, then by a doctor, and finally by a clinical psychologist. in his official notes jack is described as high functioning which comes into play a lot - this will be talked about a little bit later on.

his diagnosis are: clinical depression, anxiety (generalised and minor social anxiety), and minor psychosis. with reference to his psychosis, he has not had it checked out or determined as much as the other two so his counsellors are unsure if his psychosis is there because of his depression (which can develop if not treated correctly) or because of other underlying causes - aka. because of everything he has seen playing around in his mind and developing the psychosis on its own. ( psychosis can develop on its own but is more common under depression ).

DISCLAIMER: DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND PSYCHOSIS AFFECTS EVERYONE IN DIFFERENT WAYS. I WILL BE EXPLAINING / EXPLORING JACK’S MENTAL HEALTH THROUGH MY OWN EXPERIENCES, MY OWN DIAGNOSIS, &. RESEARCH OF THESE CONDITIONS.

DEPRESSION: the main symptoms that jack suffers with are bad self-esteem, constant manic-to-depressive episodes, lack of motivation, suicidal thoughts / suicidal tendencies, being irritable / sensory overload (which falls into his anxiety too), a lack of appetite, and a disturbance of sleep.

SELF ESTEEM: this does not just focus on appearance but also extends to having bad self-esteem about everything he does. jack can often be heard mumbling “i can’t do this” to himself and can slip through in conversation if his anxiety about something is high - and can be about absolutely anything. depending on how bad his days are he can feel like this about minimal things - ie getting changed, making food. if he drops a glass of water this can set him off because “fuck, i can’t even do this right!” it can also mean he has pre-thoughts about doing something. he’ll expect the absolute lowest of outcomes when doing work, food, anything.

on top of this he’ll often apologise for anything. remarks of “i’m sorry it’s not great”, “sorry i’m like this”, “sorry for being a downer all the time” with no prior conversation on the matter. this leads to an eager / want to please his peers and often doesn’t realise he’s doing it.

his self-esteem about his appearance does not affect him as much as it used to but small things still linger. when looking at a mirror he’ll often just stand in silence at his reflection - analysing everything about his face, an acceptance that he’s “alright looking” and will follow with a defeated sigh. however, he’s learnt to control himself from doing this and so-often will say a compliment to himself.

jack has learnt to almost deal with most of his problems. it’s not an acceptance or change about them but deals and carries on his life feeling like shit. he can often feel uncomfortable when in public or even at home when wearing the wrong type of clothes. ( self-esteem about his face includes the shape and the fact he always has dark circles around his eyes. he’s more inclined to hate his body - including his scars and the fact that he’s not exactly “in-shape”. again, he’s learnt to deal with this ).

to carry on with being uncomfortable, jack can be very hit and miss about compliments. someone has to be persistent for him to “accept” what they’re saying, but too many can draw too much attention to him and can make him extremely uncomfortable. if you want to compliment jack, don’t be too forward but be soft. he’s more likely to say thank you about it!

MANIC TO DEPRESSIVE EPISODES: when jack is manic he’s still depressed but takes a twist on it all; there’s laughter and jokes about what he’s suffering with. during these episodes he’s more likely to be accepting that his mental health is being ridiculous but will often follow them with a shrug. eg. “hey i feel like i want to die but whatever who doesn’t anymore lol”. this can cause adverse reactions on those around him - you are more than welcome to call him out and tell him it’s making you / the muse uncomfortable.

but be warned: once he comes out of his manic state it’s straight back into being depressed - but it shoves him right down to the bottom. he will mentally “beat himself” up for what he has said / done during these. this is a period when his low and irritable mood will be at full effect. this does not happen every day and he will tell when he feels like it’s about to happen.

MOTIVATION: there will be days / weeks at a time where jack will have minimal motivation. he will still do things due to him being “high functioning”. high functioning is defined as suffering with these issues and feeling the full effect of them, but still be able to go about their day. with jack, this affects him in the way of: he’ll still do things he needs to but gets little to no satisfaction from completing the tasks.

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS / TENDENCIES: he likes to believe he’s past his suicidal thoughts but during bad nights they will come flooding back. he does not act on them. suicidal tendencies come through with a lack of self-care: crossing roads without looking, looking for rushes that could potentially kill him, a willing to sacrifice himself without a second thought.

sometimes he can be irritable and suffer with sensory overload - this means he can often come across as nasty but he won’t act on it. he’ll probably just warn you that he’s not feeling great and any anger that comes from him is because of that. he will never take anything out on another person.

APPETITE: he has very little. he’ll eat one to two meals a day with occasional small snacks if necessary. he can and will go days without eating because he just doesn’t feel hungry or, due to a lack of motivation, can’t be bothered.

disturbed sleep and insomnia come under the psychosis diagnosis more than the depression but he has no average sleep. sometimes he’ll be out for an entire day, other times he’ll have breaks of being asleep, but more often than not he’ll find himself up until the early hours of the morning and surviving on 3 or 4 hours - then sometimes not sleeping at all.

PSYCHOSIS:  this can be determined as its own diagnosis or as an episode. jack’s still hasn’t been completely determined. an episode can be anything from only suffering with it once, to consistent suffering that could last years. psychosis has been defined as a “lower schizophrenia” and medically has been linked to the eventual development of the condition - however that is not all cases. jack suffers with: hallucinations, paranoia, and confused disturbed thoughts / speech.

HALLUCINATIONS: jack’s hallucinations are limited to shadows / silhouettes of objects or people and can often be seen as things rushing past him. hallucinations can include hearing voices that are not there which jack also suffers with. these voices used to affect him more but after much training and accepting that the voices aren’t there, he’s getting used to them. a big thing about jack’s hallucinations is knowing that they’re part of his mental health issues which grounds him big time. this does not stop them from happening and on certain days could affect him more by causing them to be more realistic or the belief that they’re there to hurt him.

DISTURBED SPEECH & THOUGHTS: disturbed speech and thoughts is when someone will switch topics during conversations or lose their train of thought during a conversation and can bring it to an abrupt pause. jack does both of these. as with everything else, it’s something he’s learning to control, but during bad episodes (manic, depressed and even affecting with his anxiety) it could appear more frequently. how to know when jack does this is that he’ll often say “uhh where was i going with this” or “shit. what was i gonna say?” literal seconds after knowing. he will give absolute no warning when switching topics. he cannot help this.

his depression / psychosis can be affected by the change in seasons. this is called seasonal affective disorder (abb. sad). his psychosis is worse at night which results in him not sleeping and will lead to extreme paranoia when he’s out in the dark. things he will be paranoid about is seeing people / shadows around him and thinking that they’re out to get him. when he’s in bed he can often see these faces come right up to him and he believes if he doesn’t wake up in time they’ll get him. there’s always the anxiety that something is behind him. behaviours he’s picked up from this is anything from double-checking an area he knows is safe, a build-up of anxiety around opening doors, and having to close windows / curtains at night for the fear that he will see something ( he often does ). this can cause nightmares and they can become very visual due to everything he’s seen from work / the streets / his mutant ability.

ANXIETY:  anxiety disorders can be different for everyone and can randomly be triggered. for most people anxiety can be physically and mentally draining which untreated can develop into anxiety and depression. to jack, this is his worst disorder that he suffers with because he can’t deal with the symptoms. there are two aspects of an anxiety disorder: the physical symptoms ( panic attacks etc ) and the mental symptoms. jack mostly suffers with the physical aspects but can feel the full mental side of them too. due to his anxiety being untreated for a long period of time he also suffers from minor social anxiety.

PHYSICAL ASPECT OF ANXIETY: jack feels like he’s always full of energy. this energy can come from excitement or happiness but can quickly turn into a panic attack if untrained. people can often find it difficult to separate anxiety attacks from genuine excitement ( i suffer largely from this ). this causes him to be restless and hyper-fixated on things going wrong around him. time can seem to slow down and during panic / anxiety attacks he feels like there’s focus on him and him alone. this will stop him from doing anything.

this can trigger for no reason. there will be random worry about anything - but it is more likely to happen when in a social situation. jack does not take medication for his anxiety (or anything) but drinks to “calm his nerves” before doing certain things. he is not reliant on alcohol. however, this can affect his depression the next day and turn into an endless cycle.

his panic attacks start with a twist-feel in his stomach before becoming restless in his legs and arms - usually shaking. this then turns to his breathing which becomes rapid and difficult to control, which then leads to his heart beating uncontrollably - when your chest hurts during a panic attack this is usually the reason. ( panic attacks can be confused with heart attacks - that is how serious the feeling can be ). these can last from a few seconds to at least 10 minutes. after a panic / anxiety attack jack will be very much on edge and anything could cause another. he can have up to 10 a day.

MENTAL ASPECT OF ANXIETY: having the boundless energy locked inside of you can cause extreme mental issues. it’s exhausting. anxiety can cause different reactions in different people, some can get angry, others upset. jack gets upset and will cry. this then makes him feel awful for the rest of the day. he’ll get migraines which in turn can make him more exhausted and his depression can be worse as a result of that. after an episode of panic jack will be extremely vulnerable depending on the situation. as he’s got older he’s been able to have one and go “okay that was an inconvenience. anyway” and continue on; this may not happen all the time.

he’ll often feel like a failure for having them, which in turn feeds his self-esteem and so the cycle continues on.

SENSORY OVERLOAD: sensory overload occurs when one or more of the body's senses experiences over-stimulation from the environment. it is more common with people who suffer anxiety and autism - however i can only speak for the anxiety side of it. bright lights, loud noises, they’re part of sensory processing issues that can be a key part in one’s anxiety. my own personal sensory processing condition means i cannot look at certain lights without me triggering an anxiety attack and if in the facility of a loud noise i will have an anxiety breakdown. jack also suffers with this but not to a high extent. loud noises can set off his anxiety but will not push him into an anxiety attack. however, constant subjection to them can have a serious impact on his mental health.

HIS MUTANT ABILITY: the sensation he has after activating his power is extremely similar to a panic / anxiety attack, and could actually trigger one if he is not focussing properly. during times of extreme anxiety it can set his mutation off and could send him somewhere in time he doesn’t want to be and if he doesn’t calm down - he might get stuck there for a while.

jack has seen many things with his mutation; whether it be for his job or normally, he’s seen a lot of death and has seen things happen that he cannot stop from happening. this can, and has done, trigger a mass depressive episode if bad enough.

sometimes his anxiety can work in his favour. jack is terrified of arriving late, doing something wrong, not submitting things on time - this does mean that he’ll be up to 15 minutes early before things, submitting things hours before they’re due, and making sure that everything he is doing is right (don’t get me wrong, this also affects him because if it’s not perfect then i can’t do anything right - feeding back into his self-esteem). in his own words: “hey it may cause me to have a mental breakdown but at least i did what i needed to!”

jack will see his mental illnesses in a humorous light and is extremely open about them. he’ll make / share jokes about what he suffers with - this can lead to suicide jokes so if you’re uncomfortable, tell him. he believes if he can’t make a joke about this then he’s not really moving on / accepting what he suffers with and ultimately can defeat him and is why he’ll make light of a situation ( even if it is inappropriate. because he’s an idiot ).

[o0o-chibaken-o0o]

Communal 2018 Drarry Rec List

IT’S HERE, EVERYBODY!!! And it’s long! Thank you so so much to everyone who sent in their favorite fics written in 2018! To make this easier to navigate, I’ve created categories that make sense to me based on this collection of fics — obviously many fit into multiple categories, but I tried my best to place them accurately! I had so much fun looking through these and talking to everyone about their favorite fics, and I’m already super excited to do this again next year!! :D

Note that all recs were written by the person who submitted each fic, and they are in no particular order within their categories :) 

ENJOY! 

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EIGHTH YEAR

The Nightmare Club by Elle Gray / @diligent-thunder (85K)- Hermione and Ron are going back to Hogwarts to do N.E.W.T.s, Ginny isn't. Harry hasn't decided, until he has, in front of the Wizengamot and now he's responsible for Malfoy as well. A tale of enemies who learn to get along, get it wrong and get it on. Everything is purple, some things are on fire and no-one is sleeping properly. But don't worry, there's tea! Wishing you could curl up on a purple couch in an eighth year common room stocked with hundreds of varieties of tea and eavesdrop on our favorite Hogwarts kids as they attempt to adjust to a normal school year? If you love awkward miscommunications, snuggling, open minded acceptance, kind-hearted friends, and—of course—mutual pining, this fic is for you. 

Sex and The Art of Castle Maintenance by birdsofshore (15K)- "Come on, boys," Zabini drawled. "You’re only delaying the inevitable." Trouble always had a way of finding Harry, and eighth year was obviously going to be no exception. The antagonism, tension, and heat leaps off the screen, and I could NOT put this story down. 

To Hurt and Heal by @cassisluna (21.5K)- They say that everybody who gets out of Azkaban comes out a little mad. After the war, Draco Malfoy spends three months in Azkaban. He just wants to go insane in peace, but Harry Potter finds that he, inexplicably, still can't leave Draco alone. I went into this expecting angst, but by the end I got Eighth Year fluff and a whole lot of eating breakfast. Can't say I didn't love it.

Orbit by HenryMercury (52.5K)- "The classical problem of celestial mechanics, perhaps of all Newtonian mechanics, involves the motion of one body about another under the influence of their mutual gravitation." *They don't like each other. They're not friends. There's not even a ceasefire of any sort because they're fighting as much as ever—but there's definitely something different about it. An added layer of self-awareness they don't dare identify, but which colours every Scared, Potter? and Do your worst; each You wouldn't dare and Then prove it. 8th year fic that does such a fabulous job of bringing Harry and Draco together, that makes their pairing so realistic, even non-drarry shippers would be able to see the appeal. 

Once Upon a Time by @fantom-ftnoise (12.5K)- This is the story of Hansel & Gretel - er, that is, Harry & Draco. A wonderful retelling of Hansel and Gretel, with amazing (and delightfully creepy) sensory descriptions, humour, nail-biting tension and a glorious happy ending. 

Eighteen Kisses by tigersilver (10K)- Harry is being targeted by a very determined and wily Malfoy, a Malfoy with sly hands and a sweet, sweet mouth. The story features adorably fluffy Draco and insanely flustered Harry, with chocolate and sweet kisses 

It takes 36 Questions to fall in love by @gnarf (14K)- After returning to Hogwarts for their 8th year, Harry and Draco can't seem to stop fighting, much to the irritation of staff and students alike. Their last fight escalated and Harry and Draco are forced to room together by a pretty angry Headmistress. They will have to stay in their new quarters until they overcome their differences. But it wouldn’t be McGonagall if she didn’t have a plan. To help them achieve this goal (and to save everyone else from going crazy because of them) she gave them a charmed parchment that will ask a series of personal questions. Over the next couple of days they'll learn much more about each other than they could ever have imagined. A precious they-finally-start-understand-eachother story that left me feeling fuzzy and happy 

Oblivious by lealamalfoy / @gregqoyle (17.5K)- Harry doesn't believe his Amortentia's scent is correct, and starts questioning the potion and his feelings. Of course Malfoy, of all people, is the one to answer these questions Harry's lack of communication with the female population and Draco's lack of communication with Harry is infuriating to new levels

Heart of Silver/Heart of Gold by @lettersbyelise (54.5K)- Draco Malfoy, a young demon specialising in school bullying, has lived hundreds of uneventful lives. Until his world is turned upside down by his newest assignment a few days before Christmas: to get rid of 8th year classmate Harry Potter, Defeater of Dark Lords and thorn in the side of all things evil. Trouble is, Draco’s world has been upside down for a while… ever since he started having very human feelings for a certain bespectacled Gryffindor. It’s a slow burn fic where Draco is a demon sent to torture and kill Harry buuuuut feelings are involved; also there’s a Niffler names Jeff and some very amusing Ron moments! 

AUROR(S) / CURSE BREAKER(S)

Ten Thousand Reasons Why Not by @lqtraintracks (8.5K)- Harry and Draco are stand-ins for the usual witch who gives the workplace harassment and sexual consent talk to the Auror trainees. Amazingly funny and sexy fic, featuring public UST, great dialogue and banter, and smut to die for.

Changeling by Obscurus343 (86K)- The assignment seems to be an excuse to get the Boy Who Lived away from the press for a while – Head Auror Savage is human, after all. But when they arrive to Barebone Castle, Aurors Potter and Malfoy realize that something sinister may indeed be going on. It's terrifying. It's cursed. It's some next level freaky shit that nobody can explain. But not to worry! Two lovestruck idiots are on the case. warm and funny, with a wonderfully crafted cast, spooky mystery and more handholding and cuddling than your heart can take

Cold Like Fire by @queenofthyme (12K)- Head Auror Harry Potter had no problem with mandatory consent training for his team. He’d actually been looking forward to it, that is, until he discovered who the teacher was. Now, he had no idea how he was going to get through the training without throwing a hex at Draco Malfoy. Or a punch. This fic is absolutely hilarious and full of so many wonderful drarry-y moments! 

The Partner, the Rival and the Very Big Case by oceaxe (24.5K)- When Harry and Nott are paired up to go undercover as fake boyfriends, Draco is disappointed not to get the assignment. It's just professional jealousy that's making him feel so upset. Obviously. He's engaged to be married to Astoria, after all.But when he walks in on Nott kissing Harry for 'practice' and has a wild magic outbreak, he starts to think that something else might be going on. Is Nott right? Is Draco a homophobe? Or is there... just possibly... another explanation? Funny as hell and sexy too, it features a Draco grappling with his attraction to Harry, his jealousy regarding him, and his own sexuality, when their partnership gets split up for a case. 

Cabin in the Forest by @justdrarryme (23K)- Of course Harry would get partnered with Malfoy when Ron leaves the Aurors, nothing in his life could ever be easy. What he hadn't counted on though were his feelings for the other man. Or, Harry and Draco get trapped in a Bundling Bed and are forced to work their shit out. The art that this fic is based on (by ano-ka-ba) is incredible, and the way these two get out of their predicament is hot as hell. 

Still Catch The Tide by @dwell-the-brave, art by Razielim and Apriicat (57K)- When a ravaged body is found on Blackpool beach front, newly partnered Aurors Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are sent to investigate. This is a make-or-break case for Harry - solve the case and not scare his partner away, or risk his career. But when another body appears, and another, this mystery goes far deeper than either of them could have imagined. from Big Bang, this Auror partners casefic has suspense, rich writing with a thread of melancholy, and gorgeous art.

In Our Blood by @secretsalex (38K)- Draco is an accomplished pure-blood curse breaker, and Harry is tasked with accompanying him on his latest job—cleaning up the Van Boer mansion, which has been under a devastating fertility curse for seven generations. reading this is like watching a gorgeously shot, terrifying horror film. Don't let that scare you off - it's compelling and will leave you thinking about it long after you close the tab. 

COMING OUT / LGBT+ THEMES

Little Compton Street (One Rainy Night in Soho) by @writcraft (65.5K)- Draco is lonely, Harry hates the press and it won’t stop raining in London. Harry discovers a magical street that’s close to disappearing forever and Draco realises he’s one rainy night in Soho away from finding everything he’s been searching for. This fic is a BEAUTIFUL ode to LGBT culture and community, and was so so moving in addition to being an extremely entertaining read with a great relationship between Harry and Draco

Rookie Moves by Elle Grey / @diligent-thunder (60K)- So the war's over and Harry's a Rookie Auror, and everything seems... fine? I mean, he's single, his life is mostly work and he hasn't been out in ages and he's tired and annoyed most of the time, and he should probably be a bit more social, but the last time he kissed a girl he had to Obliviate her... but that's normal, right? And then Robards throws him a file, yells at him a bit and he finds himself guarding Malfoy of all people, and maybe that little feeling in his gut he thought he'd disproved as indigestion once and for all.... maybe was something else. Something lots gayer. A tragically under appreciated coming out fic that legit made me laugh so hard I cried.

Around You Moves by ignatiustrout / @dracomalfoyofficial (29.5K)- Harry knew Draco was gay when he invited him to move in. He’s never had a problem with this. So why does he feel so weird about Draco bringing men home all of a sudden? a fabulous fic in which Harry thinks he’s homophobic when he hates seeing Draco with other men ... and then he realizes a few things about himself ;)

Harry Potter and the Bisexual Awakening by @writcraft (23K)- Harry is perfectly content being single, heterosexual and living in Godric's Hollow with his very clingy rescue dog, Snitch. When Draco Malfoy turns up on Harry's doorstep demanding that Harry teach him how to drive, things quickly become a lot more complicated. Funny, sharply-written and sexy, HPatBA has everything I love about reading drarry (snark and UST, fantastic prose, emotional connection and hot sex) but brings an awesome new perspective to coming out, in queer fic.

When You Kiss Me (What a Lovely Way to Burn) by @femmequixotic (22K)- A drag fairytale of New York in which Draco wears red lipstick and Potter can’t get enough A fantastic piece of writing that explores a genderqueer Draco, working at a drag club in New York, where he sees Harry for the first time in years. (note from chibi: THIS FIC IS SO BEAUTIFUL IT WILL GIVE YOU A SEXUAL AWAKENING AND I WANT TO HOLD IT CLOSE FOREVER)

DANCING/CLUBBING

Kill, Fuck, Marry by @lettersbyelise (12.5K)- Malfoy leans toward him with a baleful look. “I do believe Pansy Parkinson, my best friend, paid you to spend the evening with me. It’s my birthday, Potter. So you’re going to get off your Gryffindor arse, and you’re going to dance with me. I want to dance. I want to win. I want that bloody trophy on my shelf before the end of the night.” Harry and Draco unexpectedly meet again on Draco’s birthday, years after their last encounter. Incredulity, banter, witty conversation, gin and tonics and impromptu dancing ensue. It’s only natural, of course, that Draco would expect his birthday night to finish with a bang… Perfectly in-character dialogue and great heat during what starts as an awkward, unintended date between Draco and Harry.  Two Truths and all those Hidden Lies by @keyflight790 (7.5K)- It didn’t matter whether Draco knew about the Polyjuice or not; nor did it matter what face Harry deigned to hide behind in the club. Draco could spot Potter a mile away. Polyjuice could change his face. It could change the way his hair sat along his scalp, and the color of his eyes, and the shape of his lips. It could change his height and the way his muscles rippled beneath his shirt. It could change the swell of his arse, the length of his... Not that Draco was thinking of that. The fact that Draco can recognize Harry even without his awful glasses and stupid scar warms my heart every time. 

Brick by Brick by @agentmoppet (8K)- There’s something between the two of them, something that builds beneath the smoky lights of the club and grows stronger during midnight conversations held on a rooftop high above the streets of London. But Draco wants to wait. deals beautifully with consent and all the waiting the two men go through to build something that is not just sex. 

ANGST & HURT/COMFORT

Away Childish Things by @letteredlettered (154K)- Harry gets de-aged. Malfoy has to help him. “You’re crying over that fan fiction about the children again, aren’t you.” -my husband

I could be wrong, I could be ready by @harryromper (57.5K)- (...) Harry Potter left Britain after the war and didn’t look back. Ten years later, when Gringotts discovers a vault containing his parents’ belongings—including their badly spell-damaged wedding rings—he’s forced to face up to friends and family who’ve grown in ways he could never imagine, a wizarding London rebuilt beyond his expectations, and the anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s the entirely unforeseen problem of Draco Malfoy. Featuring pureblood wizarding traditions, ancestral magic, open mic nights, marriage equality, a diner in Brooklyn, and the return of Fleamont Potter. I am like ......so overwhelmed by how this fic is so amazing like my goodness

Chocolate and Pastry by @agentmoppet, art by @anemonensblog (50.5K)- When Pansy bets Draco that there is no chance he and Harry could carry out a genuine romantic relationship, he and Harry form a plan. But as their fake relationship progresses, Draco sees a side of Harry he never expected. Harry is struggling with something, pushing it far down inside him where he doesn't have to acknowledge its existence. Draco starts to worry, and then he starts to care, and then... horribly... he starts to fall in love. Fake relationships are always fantastic, but this one just hits you right in the feels, and is so beautiful!!

Things You’ve Told Him All Along by thirdeyeblinkings (19K)- Anonymous fire calls, blind dates, awkward run-ins, and kissing in the d-a-r-k. But besides all that, a story about hiding, coming out, and starting over (and over). It is so wonderfully written with artist!Draco and it tackles mental health issues just beautifully.

you’ve got the antidote for me by Kandakicksass (20.5K)- When Harry Potter unintentionally severs their soulbond before it can fully form, Draco Malfoy resigns himself to a slow death and decides not to burden Harry with a soulmate he's made it very clear he doesn't want. He's never been selfless before, but for Harry, he can try. This fic is wonderful and devastating and one of the best I’ve ever read. I think I cried 5 times while reading this but it’s worth it because it’s so beautifully written.

Antlers and Ivy by @violetclarity (19K)- The thing is, Draco has always known he wouldn’t be able to marry his soulmate. Finding out his soulmate is Harry Potter shouldn’t change anything. Or: soulmarks, a masquerade ball, and gratuitous use of The Daily Prophet as a plot device. A beautiful examination of the soulmate trope, filled with longing that made me ache and a resolution that made me want to cheer. 

That Which Marks You by @belleslettres-love (8K)- After the war, Harry is struggling… He knows his heart should be aching from the loss of his loved ones. Instead, he feels nothing. Draco feels everything… cold, hunger, pain from being forced out of the Wizarding world… forced to be a beggar—or worse—just to survive. When Harry sees Draco, shivering on a street corner, he knows one thing: Draco Malfoy is the only one who can make him feel. It starts with dark!Harry which is not my thing usually, but it devolves into cute relationship that we all love.

SLOW BURN

Charming Chocolates by @fantom-ftnoise (100.5K)- The summer following the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry Potter visited his parents' graves and disappeared in a mysterious attack. His wand was recovered but the trail soon went cold and the world moved on. Twelve years later, Remus Lupin discovers James Charming, of Charming Chocolates, a mute man with no memories before July of 1998. James Charming, father of identical twin boys and loving boyfriend to a Scottish Muggle named Monty, is ripped out of his comfortable life and forced to rediscover Hogwarts, magic, and a whole world of past memories. His Mind Healer helps him to balance his new life with his old memories. A rift is formed between James and Monty, and he finds himself wanting to spend more and more time with Healer Malfoy. Meanwhile, Auror Weasley tries to solve the mystery of who is out for Harry Potter's head before it's too late. A breathtaking, heart-warming, story that explores trauma, disability, dysfunctional relationships, family, bravery and love.

Nero su bianco by zuzallove (35K)- September 1997. Hogwarts is under the regime of Voldemort and the Carrows. Finding himself alienated by both his friends and his supposed enemies, Draco puts quill to parchment, and writes letters. He addresses them to the only person he can think of, as Hogwarts rapidly falls into chaos and ruin: Harry Potter. He goes to great lengths to ensure the letters are never discovered, and he’s pretty certain he’s done a great job. Until the day of his trial. Its heartbreakingly sad, beautiful and funny at the same time featuring Trial!Draco required to reveal his feelings/true self in front of the Wizengamot

It actually hurts by @parkkate (52K)- For years, Draco has tried to avoid Harry Potter. He just knows he’ll make a fool out of himself if they spent more than five minutes in a room together. Unfortunately, Potter suddenly seems intent on becoming Draco’s friend, but neither of them are prepared for the inevitable consequences... There is so much love and emotion in this, so much body-positivity and so much pining - it’s simply beautiful.

Never Grow a Wishbone by ShanaStoryteller (65K WIP)- She almost smiles, and true alarm starts to build in his chest. “I’m afraid I’m not here for something so small. Professor Roberts has resigned.” “Good,” Draco says honestly, “Would you like a list of suitable alternatives? I know a number of competent potions masters abroad, but then of course you’d have to hire another teacher to act as the Slytherin head. I’m afraid you’ve dried up all the half decent Slytherin Potions masters.” “Not all of them,” she says quietly. [...] a hogwarts professor au which consists of a lot of world building and lore

CREATURE FIC

Soup-pocalypse and the Great Curry Cataclysm by SquadOfCats (104.5K)- Eleven years after the war, Draco Malfoy leads a quiet, boring, and perfectly respectable life, thanks very much. Or, at least he does, until a sudden and very unexpected veela awakening causes him to throw soup all over Harry Potter in the middle of the Ministry cafeteria. This is a fantastic take on the classic creature fic, which plays into some Veela tropes and turns others on their heads; very funny and warm and realistic drarry, too. 

Hush, Darling by @magpiefngrl (23.5K)- Draco is in trouble. To get out of it he needs to seduce Harry Potter. One of the coolest, most original creature fics ever, featuring Draco as an Incubus who's tasked, under threat, with getting something from Harry -- who he makes the mistake of falling in love with. 

In The Red by @bixgirl1 (45.5K)- When Harry goes looking for a vampire at a Creature club, the second-to-last thing Harry expects is to find Malfoy working there. The last thing he expects is to fall in love with him. It's so beautifully written I gasped, so hot I died, and so damn good I'm going to reread it for years to come.

ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE(S)

Tangiers by @magpiefngrl (4K)- The one where Harry and Draco are archaeologists, ex boyfriends and seeking the same priceless and possibly cursed object. Featuring a revolver, the spirits of dead monks and a bed they can hardly fit in. Adventurous, sexy and highly relatable, the AU of AUs, ladies and gentlemen, a masterfully crafted tale that feels simultaneously fantastical and down to earth, that includes a substantial backstory that left me wanting more, that presents a version of Harry and Draco that is incredibly true to the characters and kept me on my toes every second. 

Purple, Peach and Vibrant Green by @queenofthyme (3.5K)- Draco Malfoy has a waiter pretend to be his date to impress an ex. Of course, it helps when that waiter is exceedingly attractive and happens to be Harry Potter. Solid fic. 5/10. (note from chibi: @jadepresley is very rude to her friends but she actually loves this super cute fic and so will you) 

Men Who Love Dragons Too Much by fencer_x, art by @danasauurrr (479K)- [Extensive re-telling of Deathly Hallows] As in Half-blood Prince, Draco is charged by Voldemort with killing Dumbledore—only instead of trying to do his best with the challenge, he realizes he’s been set a futile task and focuses on finding a way to save both himself and his parents. He eventually decides to spend his sixth year studying Animagecraft, convinced it's his best shot at escaping the impossible situation he's found himself in. But just his luck, his Animagus form turns out to be a dragon, and a rather randy juvenile at that, intent on finding its mate: one Harry James Potter. from Big Bang, an inventive and unique story with Draco as a dragon animagus, and a retelling of Deathly Hallows. With art! 

Every Me and Every You by @bixgirl1 (69.5K)- Harry liked his life just fine, thankyouverymuch — so it was bad enough when a sly fairy cursed him to leap into alternate realities. But seeing Malfoy in all of them? Definitely way too much. And worse yet: needing the bastard's help to figure out how to get out of of it. It was a disaster waiting to happen, really. Well... probably. Fabulously written, stunningly complex and multi-layered, with sizzling tension between H/D, LEGILIMENCY SEX (and other hot, hot sex), inventively plotted, perfect in every single way.

survival is a talent by ShanaStoryteller (219K WIP)- In the middle of their second year, Draco and Harry discover they're soulmates and do their best to keep it a secret from everyone.Their best isn't perfect. a soulmate au that starts in 2nd year, when harry and draco find out that they’re soulmates - my favorite fic ever 

FAMILY / KID!FIC

All I Want For Christmas (Is For You To Stop Talking) by @femmequixotic and @noeeon (163K)- The Niffler's Garden is the most prestigious wizarding nursery school in England and has been for the last century or more. Harry Potter's boys are both enrolled as pupils at the Garden. When he volunteers to assist with the Yule pageant, he has no idea that he'll be working closely with another parent, Draco Malfoy. Although they haven't seen each other much since their own school days, Harry faults Malfoy for not being a hands-on dad to little Scorpius. Will the intense weeks of preparation fan the fires of enmity or something else entirely? This is the most perfect holiday fic ever with children and a pageant and amazing side characters and tons of lovely winter feels! 

Sunshine, Fresh Air, Telly, and Time by frnklymrshnkly (32.5K)- Immediately following the war, Andromeda and Harry must look after Teddy. But who will look after them? a wonderfully loving and bittersweet tale of Draco, Harry, and Narcissa living with Andromeda after the war—all raising Teddy as they grieve and heal together. 

Failed Application of Thought by RuArcher (67K)- Draco sighed, knowing he would live to regret his next words, “I’m willing to do anything it takes to get Scorpius the life he deserves, even if that means pretending to be madly in love with you, you intolerable buffoon.” This is a fabulous fake dating fic filled with all the feelings you could ever desire, and it has one of my favorite Dracos ever-- I just want to wrap him up and protect him and Scorpius forever! 

papa says harry potter helps people by jilliancares (10K)- Draco Malfoy is reintroduced into Harry's life when a little boy enters his shop, lost. The same little boy upends all his bookshelves, which Draco holds himself responsible for. It all kind of escalates from there. contains very adorable Scorpius moments, Harry running a book shop, and Draco and Harry slowly falling for each other. 

POST-HOGWARTS

Ynys Afallach (I will give my Love an Apple) by @femmequixotic and @noeeon (42.5K)- Professor Waverley Root's tutorial in the history of magical food is something of a legend at Flamel College. Draco Malfoy wants to apply it to his work in sustainable wizarding agriculture. Harry Potter's taking it for his interest in historical overlap between the magical and Muggle worlds in the West Country. When Root pairs them together, the fireworks (and the apples!) fly. Now if only they can find something original, perhaps they'll make it through to complete their degrees on time. Okay this fic is highly underrated and needs 5x the current kudos- it has university students!drarry, sexual tension out the roof, amazing use of arthurian legend, brilliant magical theory, and is just all around brilliant as fuck!!

Silver Soul by @dracoismytrashson (75K)- It's about a year after the war, and Draco is a bit of a London hipster working at a record store. Harry is lonely and confused about what to do with his life so hanging out with Draco and listening to shoegaze records to pass the time seems like a perfectly viable option. one of my favorite Draco in the Muggle world stories ever. Misunderstandings, softness, snarkiness, shoegaze. 

Tell Me the End at the Beginning by @harryromper (36.5K)- St Mungo’s is the last place anyone wants to spend the festive season. Harry finds himself there anyway. Or: Harry's an Auror suspended from duty, Malfoy's wearing the hell out of three-piece suits, Hermione is entirely over everything, and Kreacher just wants to be left alone to decorate for Christmas. Draco Malfoy wears three-piece suits. Like, if that's not enough to convince you, I don't know what is. 

Chasing Treacle Tart (and Draco Malfoy) by xErised (23K)- Malfoy, who is sentenced to work as a dinner lady in the Ministry canteen, has an annoying habit of withholding desserts from Harry. Harry puts up with it, but when Malfoy stops him from getting his beloved treacle tart, Harry is determined to do something about it. And Ron? He's really just there for the awkward flirting. This fic is funny, sexy, compelling, and just all around delightful :) 

Castle on the Hill by tsundanire/@breathofmine (1.5K)- Based on Ed Sheeran's "Castle on the Hill"Harry takes a "road trip" back to England after spending a few years in Romania working with dragons. It had been 10 years since Harry left, and the honest and pure relationship he built with Malfoy over letters is gorgeous. They both just hope that meeting again after all that time will be just as wonderful. (and it is) 

Highly (in)Compatible by @gracie137blogs (37.5K)- Draco’s been shagging The Prat Who Lived on and off for a few months when his soul mark starts to change. Draco’s had to accept a lot of adjustments to his life, but accepting that Harry Potter could be his soulmate is one step too far. It can’t be true? Can it? One of the best takes on soulmates I’ve read with excellent magical theory and an exploration of free will, and which includes a wonderful cast of characters and lots of humour and banter; Draco’s voice here is fantastic.

The Kitchen Thieves (and the Kitchen Herself) by @potteresque_ire (Pie) (67K)- In a deserted cottage miles away from Hogsmeade, two young spirits waited for a new owner to call the place home. One day, Auror Harry Potter bought the cottage. One evening, farm wizard Draco Malfoy showed up to spend the night with Harry...and steal a pepper shaker from the kitchen. Maybe Kate can tell you all about them? She’s the spirit who looks after the kitchen, and she’s got quite a bit to say… Pie took the sentient houses trope and ran with it; utterly unique fic, with incredible rich characterisations and an emotional arc that had me reading the last part through copious (happy) tears. 

SMUT

In the dark, the light by Phrynne (32K)- ‘Potter… It’s Malfoy. Do you still want this?’ It started like that. Malfoy’s breath on his ear, his voice low, hot against his skin. Harry shivered, though he could feel the heat from Malfoy’s body just behind him, too close, but not touching him. Even if he could. For the rest of the night, he could do whatever the hell he wanted with Harry. The best bdsm I’ve EVER read.

Whole New Kinds of Weather by @lower-east-side (2.5K)- She’s just as compelling as she’s ever been. Incredible UST, perfect dialogue, scorching, fabulous sex, and Draco as genderqueer: a fic not to be missed.

Kettle by @magpiefngrl (3.5K)- Draco likes to put up a fight. The most tender exploration of hardcore kink within a loving, committed relationship that I've ever read, and hot as hell, too.

In Deep by @lqtraintracks (9K)- Harry isn't sure when he went from hating Malfoy's snide, smug mouth to wanting that mouth all over his cock. Gorgeously hot exploration of BDSM kink in a new relationship that manages to be tender and sweet at the same time.

DEFIES CATEGORIZATION (by me at this time)

Love Him More by @bixgirl1 (17.5K)- A love story. Several of them, really. Delicate, bruising, and uplifting all at once. 

The Drarry Sestina by @julcheninred (<1K)- Sometimes I dream I’m bleeding from my scars... This gorgeously written poem took my breath away and left me haunted but ever hopeful for Draco and for the both of them 

Dwelling by aideomai (83.5K)- Curses, James and Lily Potter ride again, several Ministry balls, a teenage Summer of Love, a grim young adult dystopian winter, a few different Draco Malfoys, secrets and the problems re: not having any, alternate lives, impossible lives, real lives, allusions to Dirty Dancing, and just because it's not called the Mirror of Erised doesn't mean you shouldn't know better. The most mind-blowing fic I read this year, a story that allows the reader to see how much it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, besides giving us a delightful relationship development and some seriously hot moments, all wrapped in a glorious package of plot and overall awesomeness.

A Holiday in Provence by @dracoismytrashson (32K)- Harry Potter is turning 50 years old and feeling lonelier than ever. Divorced, retired, and learning he’s not quite as straight as he thought he was, Harry reluctantly accepts a birthday gift from his friends for a week’s stay at an idyllic French vineyard. Too bad Hermione and Ron neglected to mention that the owner of the winery happens to be a certain quick-witted blond Slytherin… The world-building and the dynamic between the characters in this is nothing short of magical. 

Memories of Draco Malfoy by ImmortalAcorn (14K)- “He had to live, I knew. Without him there would not be much to see. I guess the world would be just ashes and smoke and blood - that's at least how I imagined it. He had to live. Whatever it would take.” a series of short poems (I guess) about Draco and their relationship. There is another one, from Harrys perspective. They are short but perfect. Angst is real and sooooooo good.

‘Til Our Compass Stands Still by china_nightingale (9K)- "It was an unconventional relationship, if one could call it that. It was the way it had always been - bodies colliding while lips stayed closed, dueling and caressing and ripping one another open while hearts stayed locked safely behind cages covered in bruises from curses and kisses. There were never many words spoken. If they talked, chances were that ugly things would tumble from their tongues like they did so easily during their Hogwarts days." Harry and Draco eventually realise that things don't always go to plan, even if it's a plan they've been carefully crafting to keep themselves safe from each other. a little harsh and gritty, but so full of unspoken love <3 

Thank you again to everyone who contributed!!: @dracothecupcake @ebbet @keyflight790  @bixgirl1 @magpiefngrl @hogwartsfirebolt @amrame @bonzicatgirl @lillyevans @harryandhislittledragon @hermionejeangranger @lower-east-side @jadepresley @findingsilencetheymadelove @lqtraintracks @queendomcosplay @threeh plus several anons!  <3<3<3

I’ve done my best to tag all the writers whose tumblrs I could locate, but if I’ve missed anyone, please let me know so I can tag them!

[back-and-totheleft]

A test for ‘Platoon’

In January 1987, the Chicago Tribune invited a group of Vietnam veterans, then in treatment for PTSD, to privately screen Platoon and provide their reactions. They were accompanied by a mental health professional for safety and support. As the article notes, “Most of the veterans were visibly shaken or in tears, well after the movie had ended.”

The critics have embraced it; audiences across the country are now flocking to see it. Indeed, the national opening of the Vietnam war film ''Platoon'' was pushed up two weeks in response to intense media coverage of it as a special event.

But the one audience reaction that hasn`t been heard from yet, as Ted Koppel said on a recent ''Nightline'' program devoted to the film, is the Vietnam veteran himself. What do combat veterans think of the film that claims to be the first fiction film to truthfully portray ground fighting in Vietnam?

To find out, we enlisted the help of the Chicago chapter of the Veterans Bedside Network, which assembled a group of six Vietnam combat veterans to watch a private screening of ''Platoon.'' Five men, all of whom saw front-line duty as Marines, were accompanied by a social worker-vet who has been treating them recently for post-traumatic stress disorder, which can strike anyone suffering from trauma.

Warning for frank discussions of violence, combat and mental illness.

Most of the men are 40 years old now, which meant they were about 20 when they saw battle. Each had resentment about how the war was conducted at the command level and how he was treated when he got back home.

More subtle, in some cases, was the barely hidden pain caused by having participated in or at least witnessed the killing of Vietnamese civilians. That nightmare is recalled in ''Platoon'' by a My Lai-style massacre sequence that makes such hideous violence seem reasonable.

For those who have yet to see ''Platoon,'' the movie was written and directed by Oliver Stone, a college dropout, who like the film`s young hero, played by Charlie Sheen, volunteered for infantry action in Vietnam to prove his manhood.

The film follows his bloody tour of duty with a platoon near the Cambodian border in 1967. And Stone`s film did its job extremely well, according to the veterans in our group, providing an eye-popping portrait of what Vietnam combat was all about: the heat, filth, confusion, fear and rotting bodies -- white, black, and yellow.

The veterans watching the movie were told very little about the film before it started. They were simply asked to take notes and to keep their reactions to themselves for a series of individual post-film interviews that would avoid any influence of ''group think.'' Then, they were told, they would reassemble as a unit to discuss the film and just how true-to-life any war film can be.

What follows, first, are the individual reactions of veterans and their counselor. Most of the veterans were visibly shaken or in tears, well after the movie had ended.

THOMAS WILLIAMS

''I served in Vietnam in 1966. I was a scout. And that scene of [the American platoon] being overrun, I've experienced that. The pain and the killing is shown right -- there`s no mercy.

'Having to kill like that and then having to come back here and having to pretend like nothing happened because you can`t tell anyone the horror of what it was like: This is what Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome is all about.

You get flashes of scenes like the ones in this movie, which is the closest I`ve ever seen to the real thing.

It was hell, man. And the first thing they had written on screen before the movie began -- that quote from Ecclesiastes about `losing your youth and becoming old` -- that`s very deep. That`s what happened over there.''

Williams, 39, with tears in his eyes, said he saw combat for 9 1/2 months in Vietnam. The most brutal battle he was involved in was called Operation Hastings.

''We fought the 324th B Division of the North Vietnamese. We fought them for 4 1/2 hours. They cut off our platoon from the rest of the battalion. Thirty-two of us killed approximately 1,000 men. That scene at the very end of the movie with [the overhead shot] all of the dead bodies in the valley -- it was exactly like that. Exactly.''

Tears were running down Williams` face.

''I thought I was going to die [in that battle]. The guy next to me, a round went through his head and blew the left side of his brains and skull onto the right side of my face. The guy carrying the [Vietnamese] flag, I hit him, and the guy next to him I unloaded a magazine [of bullets] in him and he still didn`t want to drop. I reloaded and I threw grenades, and that`s the only way that I made it. Out of 32 Marines, only five lived.

It hurts, man. It hurts. `Cause a lot of guys died for nothing. For nothing. Nothing."

FRANK KAUZLARICH

''The character portrayals were outstanding; they didn't `Hollywood it up,` '' said Kauzlarich, 40, who served in 1968-9 as a helicopter crew chief. ''They had the details right about the leeches--and the dust everywhere when [the college kid] arrived in Vietnam in the very first scene. I saw the same dust and the body bags when I first got there, and I thought to myself, `What the hell am I getting into?`

''The characters were all right on: the good, the bad, and the ugly, you might say. Also it showed the things you had to do -- the people you had to leave behind. As a helicopter crew chief, I saw areas I simply couldn't get into, and we had to leave people behind.''

Kauzlarich was different from the rest of the group in two ways. He didn't want his photograph taken, and he appeared to be the most composed after the movie. His self control, he intimated, grew out of his job in Vietnam.

''As a crew chief, I lived in my chopper. I had to maintain the chopper and make sure I was always ready to take off and get our guys who usually were in deep [shit].

''But my eyes were watered up during the movie. 'I just had a little more time to get myself together. I`ll be keyed up for a couple of days. It`s a good movie. He portrayed it all very well: the noise, the dust, the crap.

He did a good job, but no one could ever tell you about Vietnam in a movie. They can`t show the pain, the absurdities, the horror. You end up being an animal yourself in order to survive. You don`t have time to register the horror, until it just wells up in you. It was 13 years before I began reliving the thing. I got flashbacks of sounds and smells.''

TERRY TIDD

''That`s the most realistic movie I've ever seen,'' said Tidd, a burly, bearded man, who has just turned 40. ''I`m shaking inside."

''One thing that was good about it is that they didn't glamorize the killing and dying. Some of the other movies about Vietnam made it look like it was too much fun.

I just want people to know that [American soldiers] did go back and kill [Vietnamese] people in villages like that. But the people that did it,'' Tidd said, his voice cracking, ''weren`t rotten people. But if you go into a village, and there are no VC, and all you see are women and children, and you step outside of that village and you saw your buddies getting killed, and they`re screaming, well, some guys went back to the village.

''And this film showed it was that kind of a dirty war. I just wish people could know that we weren`t just a bunch of baby killers. We really thought we were fighting for our country and to stop the spread of Communism. And people who died over there, maybe they have an advantage over us who lived through it. Because we know it was a lost cause. They died not knowing it.

''I want to get my ma and dad to see this movie. I got a 13-year-old boy I might want to take. It may be too heavy, but he`s asked me a lot about Vietnam, and I probably should take him to see this.''

Tidd served in 1966 with the Marine I Corps near Da Nang.

''If anyone wants to know what the war is like, this would be a good one for them.''

LARRY BRIMM

"It can`t be fully felt unless you`ve been there. [The taste of death] just stays in your throat. I brush my tongue every morning, but I can`t get rid of it."

Brimm, 40, a 1965-6 Marine Corp veteran, also seemed composed as he stepped out of the screening room to talk. But then he opened his hands. His palms were full of sweat and creases formed by dug-in nails.

''As far as the technical end of the movie is concerned, it was good. It showed that for each man, it really was their own private little war of staying alive. There weren`t a lot of massive sweeps of men.

''When [order] broke down, you counted on your buddy to the left and your buddy to the right, and that was it. There wasn`t another squad, another platoon. There was just you and what was happening within three feet of you. And I got that in this film.''

Brimm also said he found the emotional transitions of some of the characters to be accurate.

''For me in 1965, I went over there idealistic. After a while though, I realized there was no point about fighting Communism. It was all a matter of simply staying alive. And then you start hating yourself for the things you have to do to stay alive -- like killing civilians.

I can really empathize with that scene where [the Americans] burned that village because of all that had gone on before. In 1965, it was more of a booby trap, sniper war of not being able to see the enemy. So to retaliate, you just didn`t care. But now I have to live with that.''

BILL BURTON

"In Vietnam there wasn`t the racism I find here. We called each other names, but we were there for each other when it counted. All of our blood was red."

''It was almost real,'' said Burton, a Marine who fought in a variety of locations in 1968-9. ''There were some things I saw in the film that I did.'' He began shaking his head.

''No, I`d rather not say,'' he said, taking out his handkerchief. ''It affects me to this day.''

Was he glad he saw the picture? ''Oh, yes,'' he said, ''it might help me. I`ve never seen anything since I`ve been back to compare to this. I could identify with a lot of it. For example, the scene where the [American soldier] shot the [Vietnamese] woman. It happened, man. You saw it happening all around you, and it was scary that it started to make sense.''

RAY BLANFORD

"The emotional side of the experience can never be communicated. If you fought and lived through that war, you were damaged."

Ray Blanford, who served two tours of army duty in Vietnam, now serves as a therapist in the Stress Disorder program at the North Chicago Veterans Hospital.

''I have heard the exact stories that were up on that screen--everything from the blood on the soldier`s face [when his buddy bashes a Vietnamese man`s skull] to the loss of control, the hate, the fear, and finally the killing of the [Vietnamese] guy with one leg. It was so real. The emotions in this film could have been taken right out of what we get in the Stress Disorder unit."

Blanford, 52, said he handled the stress in Vietnam because he was older than the average soldier. ''Most of the guys that fought were pretty young. We`re talking about, in many cases, mere high school kids. Forget the real war, if you simply subjected them to what you saw in this movie, you would have a bunch of traumatized kids.''

Along with the other vets, Blanford took special note of the film`s opening scene. ''I could almost smell the fuel of the C-135 [aircraft] and the dust, as well recall the confusion of the body bags going out and the men coming in.''

--

Now the men were brought together, and they were first asked to react to the final line in the movie in which actor Sheen, in voice-over narration, speaks, in effect to all veterans, saying that they, as survivors, ''have an obligation to build again, to find a goodness and meaning in this life.''

To a man, the veterans said such noble sentiments were a pipe dream. One exception is a cause promoted by Thomas Williams.

''The goodness and meaning that we`ve found on the ward is to try to find housing for the many homeless Vietnam veterans. Through our own illness and strength we`re trying to help them through an organization called Veterans for Housing, Inc."

But in general the mood of the vets turned dark when they were asked about their chances of ''building again.''

''I find a lot of irony in that,'' said Frank Kauzlarich, ''in that our society doesn`t want to give us a chance to build again. They just want to forget the mistakes that we and our government made over there. We`ve been looked down on since we`ve come back, and consequently we look down on ourselves.''

Bill Burton had a more specific complaint. ''I`ve only been able to hold onto a job for two years since I`ve been back. I just need a chance. I need a job. I live on the North Side, and it really gets me, man, to see these Vietnamese with jobs, but I can`t get one myself."

''It`s funny,'' said Burton, who is black, ''in Vietnam there wasn`t the racism I find here. I mean, we may have called each other names, but we were there for each other when it counted. All of our blood was red.''

At that point, Burton grabbed the hand of Terry Tidd, who was sitting next to him.

''That last line makes me angry,'' said Thomas Williams. ''They don`t try to understand us. They never tried. There were no parades -- everybody knows that. But what they don`t know is the sense of powerlessness we feel.

''I mean there`s a real power you have in `Nam when you have a gun and you`re killing. Then you come back, and you`ve got nothing. You`ve given up your flesh, your blood, and your mind. So that bit about coming up with a new life is bullshit. People just don`t care about us. The government doesn`t have the money to treat us. Thousands of vets are going without help.

''Hell yes I`m angry. Many of us lost our families `cause we couldn`t handle life when we came back. Build again? That`s a joke.''

''You get your ass blown up, they want to give you peanuts,'' said Terry Tidd. ''I got hit twice in my legs, they give me 10 per cent of my pay -- 126 dollars a month -- the absolute minimum for legs that are filled with metal. When I get X-rayed, they ask if I was in a car accident. I`m supposed to build a new life on that?!''

''On a job application,'' said Frank Kauzlarich, ''it`s not too smart to put down that you`re a Vietnam veteran. You`re better off putting down that you`re an alcoholic. Chances are the boss drinks, too.''

''The damage done to the warriors does not always go away,'' said Ray Blanford, the social worker.

The anger of the vets was a surprising turn of events, considering that their praise of the movie had been so effusive.

Some might say the group we interviewed was heavily battle-scarred. That may be true, but realize that only a small fraction of the people who served in Vietnam saw combat, and that combat soldiers is what ''Platoon'' is all about.

As it turned out, the veterans` anger was also rooted in their treatment at home, today. It became apparent when the vets were asked to complete the following thought: ''It`s a terrific movie but, even so, it doesn`t communicate...''

''It can be accurately portrayed on film,'' said Larry Brimm, ''but it can`t be fully felt unless you’ve been there.''

''The movie is missing the taste of death,'' said Bill Burton.

''It just stays in your throat,'' said Larry Brimm. ''I brush my tongue every morning, but I can`t get rid of it.''

''It was so hot in `Nam,'' said Thomas Williams.''The movie didn`t show people tying T-shirts over their face to cut the smell of death. But the smell you can never get rid of. It will always be with you.''

It was up to Ray Blanford to sum up.

''I say to all the veterans: See the movie, but be with somebody you care about so you can talk about the emotions the movie brings back. And if you need help, call us.

'As for the public: See the movie, but know that the emotional side of the real experience can never be communicated. A movie can`t communicate the terror or the lasting damage. If you fought and lived through that war, you were damaged. And I want every kid who sees this picture and thinks that war is exciting to know that.''

-Gene Siskel, “A Test for Platoon,” Chicago Tribune, January 4 1987 [x]

[reactingtosomething]

Solo Reaction to Orphan Black Episode 510: “To Right the Wrongs of Many”

Well Done, Show.

The Setup: This is it, Clone Club. The final ride has ended, and I for one loved the hell out of it. Check below for my final Orphan Black solo reaction. Spoilers for the last five years, basically.

SARAH: Art knows what they need and is not the one who is Helena’s twin, clearly she should go be with Helena and he should get the medical supplies. I mean I know it had to be Sarah vs. “PT” at the end, obviously. But in-universe I’m right about that logic. But yeah, Sarah killing him with very little ceremony and none of his acolytes to watch was pretty appropriate.

OH GOD they pulled no punches with that suffocation visual.

This is EVOLUTION. More on that later.

The Sarah/Mrs. S parallels during the births, though. Sarah (and all the clones) are moving out from under the control of their lives and destinies. They are not S’s to watch over or Neolution’s to control. They are the adults. They’re raising each other and their kids.

Sarah and Helena’s joyful laugh/cries after the birth(s) are just lovely.

Is Sarah getting her GED?? I’m so proud! She’s turning into such a grownup, but is also still herself. Well done, show.

Honestly I do think that Sarah should sell the house. She needs to become her own version of an adult, not just step into S’s shoes entirely. Like, don’t move away to wander the earth apart from the whole support system, but get an apartment instead maybe.

Sarah. Get your ass back in there and take the GED test!

“I don’t know how to be happy. There’s no one left to fight and I’m still a shit mum.” There is SO MUCH here. For one thing that language is super telling—Sarah may not always be good at being a mother, but she’s far from a shit one compared to Coady, the other person who’s been described as such. There’s no question about Sarah being wrong here. (Admittedly she has not always been a good mother but she has been improving and she does always have Kira’s best interests at heart.) For another thing, this is very important and realistic. Ending an all-consuming battle and returning to normal life is never simple. Sarah was good at guerrilla warfare, essentially. Those skills don’t immediately translate to healthy coping mechanisms or finding a day job. Sarah is still Sarah. They’re all still the people they were before and during this shitshow. Alison is still the woman who sold drugs and hot glue gunned her husband. They’re all still just people and they can’t go from living one life to living a totally different one with no bumps, even a normal/“easier” one. Just because Sarah can’t do it immediately doesn’t mean she can’t do it at all.

None of them are perfect and they’re all in it together and it’s the most mellow but effective multi-clone season ender ever. No one look at me.

HELENA: This is basically a nightmare birth situation and I am NOT a fan.

Helena is preparing for vengeance even while ACTIVELY CONTRACTING and all I can say is damn, woman. Props.

OH MY GOD Art and Helena are such a good team! That was highly effective tag team murder.

It’s a boy. Of course they’re boys. Kira was (nearly) exploited the way Kendall and the Ledas' birth mothers were. Kira and Charlotte are the intermediates, the ones who are part of the Leda story but won’t grow up entirely within it, but these boys are the true next generation. They’re not just repeating the script over again, they’re a departure from the Neo controlled past.

That is the cutest and creepiest mobile ever.

Orange and Purple!! Ok, but babies lose their socks ALL THE TIME. This is an imperfect method.

“Always when I eat, he poops.”

Super into her Hawaiian shirt over overalls look.

“Where does this sand come from?”

They’re still not going to explain the black part of Orphan Black, are they?

I’m touched by the significance of naming the boys after Donnie and Art, but doesn’t that get confusing? Sure, call the baby Arthur instead of Art, but there’s nothing that far away from “Donnie,” sound-wise. And at least for now they live on the same property. (The one bit of Judaism that has managed to enter my psyche the most is the custom of not naming kids after living relatives, so I’m a little weird about this kind of thing.)

RACHEL: Is Rachel coming? Is that the secret person Felix is expecting? Yesssss. Even if she can’t be a part of the happy family, she is still a part of this and the show/Felix acknowledges it.

So we’re just straight up discussing this in front of the uber driver?

She gave them the list of Ledas. Rachel’s final redemptive act saves the rest of the clones she helped to subjugate, and is a final screw you to the people who made her do it for so long.

General Rachel thought: Rachel needed redemption. She was cruel and a part of the structure that controlled and killed a lot of people. She was a product of a deeply abusive situation that made her that way, but she still was that way. She still stomped on the potential cure, she still ordered the deaths of clones and others. In a way she and Helena are a better “two sides to the same coin” comparison than Helena and Sarah are. Both were raised largely without love or proper socialization. Both were made “self aware” while fairly young. Both are taught that they are the special one, and can only continue to do they terrible things they do by believing that fact. Both self-harm. Both learn that their extremely black and white world views are limited primarily by being exposed to the family of their clones, primarily Kira. Helena made the change much more quickly, but they are both on that arc.

ALISON: “I was a drug dealer for Pete’s sake” is peak Alison Hendrix.

The Hendrixes have joy and laughter as a part of their sex lives and I am happy about this.

I know this is not from this episode, but it’s amazing

COSIMA: Cosima is curing the Ledas!! She is doing it! And of course she feels like it’s not enough because she’s Cosima, but she’s doing it!

Science monkey! I love this.

Cos, you don’t have to be good with kids if you don’t want to be. Although she actually is excellent with kids, just not babies. So I guess the point is you don’t have to be maternal if you don’t want to be. You can love the children in your life without wanting your own. And if you do want children, being scared doesn’t mean you can’t do it.

Cosima is coming so close to meeting all of these women, but not quite. That’s beautiful and sad in its own way. She’s always been the one to embrace sisterhood the quickest, so I imagine she loves each of these sisters a little bit. But she’s not destroying their lives by telling them about all of this when there’s no need to. There is an argument to be made about not making the decision for them by keeping the info from them, but telling them would also be making that decision for them. I’m going to choose to believe that they leave a semi-conspicuous web trail so that any Ledas who start to become self aware can find clone club if they’re looking.

Also, can we talk about how gorgeous this artwork is and how I’m now obsessed with it? Please illustrate all of their adventures around the world.

TONY!!!! Guys, Tony has at least been acknowledged again! He and Krystal are cured and that is good.

EVERYONE ELSE: Goddammit Coady why are you so resilient?

“PT” (AKA JOHN) losing his grip is both terrifying and delicious. I was honestly hoping he would die of a heart attack—none of his cruelty or his science could save him from a simple failure of the body. But again, it being Sarah’s action was probably necessary.

Honestly, this was an underuse of Enger after they set her up to be such an interesting character in such small moments earlier. Clearly the focus here is on the Ledas more than their subjugators, but come on. I wonder if she had anything that ended up being cut for time? I’m excited to follow the actor’s career.

I know I already used this one, and it wasn’t from this episode. But look at how compelling she is! And this ^ isn’t even as good as the toothbrush scene!

There really is a kill them in the throat theme this season.

Art calling people sestra is adorable!

274??? Living or total ever? That’s so many!

I’ve done a lot of discussing parenthood as a sign of adulthood, and I certainly don’t want to say it’s a 1:1 situation. I think it has come up a lot this season especially because the show is a discussion of both family and evolution. It’s hard to have evolution without future generations, so there is a lot of kid focus. I don’t think the show goes to far in the direction of accidentally suggesting that motherhood is essential for adult womanhood—that’s the beauty of having a lot of women in your show. You can tell multiple stories, and multiple versions of the same story without suggesting that it is The Story.

I have no idea how intentionally Fawcett and Manson created this discussion of feminism and bodily autonomy. I think the later was the main intent and the feminism came out of the realization/acceptance of what they were already in the midst of creating. By making the lead a woman, they made most of the leads women, who all had to be different from each other. They couldn’t fall into the tropes many writers do when it comes to female characters. And when they began discussing This may be wrong and ungenerous of me—they may have had exactly this intent from the beginning!—but two things: 1) I think if they had a huge focus on feminism from the beginning there would have been more than one director who was a woman in the entire run (Helen Shaver, 3 episodes) and 2) Honestly, them learning the lesson as they went and freaking going for it is kind of great. Without meaning to (from the beginning—I’m not suggesting they were totally unaware this whole time!) these guys made a show that is all about women reclaiming their bodily autonomy from a big-for-tv version of forces that are very real in our lives. Realizing that that was the story and leaning into it effectively and without becoming a morality play is impressive and it gave us the show we have known and loved.

Ok, “this is evolution.” So true, on the science side and the personal side. Sarah and Helena have always been the outliers. It was a quirk of biology that lead to twins. And then their birth mother was willing and able to keep them safely away from Neolution. And they are actually able to conceive. None of these facts were intended or planned for. Evolution comes from gene mutations. Sometimes mutations are harmful, but sometimes they’re beneficial or neutral, and they get passed on and help the species become something new. If that happens enough times, you get a whole new species. There’s nothing intentional or graceful about it. You can’t plan for it, and you can’t do much to control it. “PT” tried to, and it never worked out for him. There were always other changes, or not enough change, or the small detail of people being people and thus not entirely controllable. He was beaten by the results of the uncontrollable parts of evolution, an unexpected twin who unexpectedly became a mother. And Sarah has evolved as a person because of both of those things, as well as everything else. In killing “PT" she completes the final step of not just no longer running from her problems, but truly stepping out from underneath them.

Finally, let’s talk happy ending. Finishing this was hard—I’ve had trouble taking a long view of anything this weekend, in light of the events in Charlottesville, VA. This is the first time I’ve sat entirely still in at least a day. It’s made me even more glad that this show, which has always contained darkness and some shocking violence, let the “core four” of clones and most of their nearest and dearest survive. There were deaths along the way, and a shit ton of suffering, but they could have gone much darker about the ending for the sake of Realism and I’m damn glad they didn’t. The show was about finding the light and hope and family amidst all of this darkness. Sarah has been trying to be allowed/allow herself to be a part of her family since she got on that train. It doesn’t look like what she thought it would, but neither does she anymore. This is the version of family that works for this version of Sarah, and it works for the show too. Everything’s not perfect. S is dead, Rachel will never be a part of the family. They’ve all suffered massively. But they made it, and they have each other for support moving forward. Bad things can end. Good things can endure. That hasn’t always been an explicit message of the show, but it is the one they chose to build to.

That’s all, folks. For more weekly reactions, check out Kris’s GoT series. For more ass-kicking genre women, check out Wynonna Earp. For more of Miri have a lot of feeling, check out The Bold Type (and I guess this blog in general).

[welcometocaritas]

oh wow look an update

Title: The Ghosts of What Happened

Chapter: 6

Characters: Marina Andrieski, Julia Wicker

Pairing: Julia/Marina

Fandom: The Magicians, Hannibal

Format: Multi-Chap

Summary:  

Reynard’s gone. It’s the first thing she notices when they pop back into Marina’s apartment. The next is the body. Marina, sprawled unceremoniously in the center of the carpet, eyes closed, lips parted with blood.

links: A03, FF.Net

A/N: So I’m going to start this off by saying that I’m really, really sorry for how long it’s been since my last update. That’s really sucky of me and I apologize. But I do have a good excuse! Or in my mind a good excuse. Unfortunately, both my physical and mental health have taken a downturn this year and are continuing to get worse so updates still aren’t going to be regular (sorry!) but I’m going to try extra hard to get chapters out. Hospitals and doctor visits also sap a lot of the energy I would normally put towards writing so that’s a pain.

Fair warning, this chapter is extremely rough. I’ve only proofread it one and half times (as opposed to my usual anxiety ridden dozen) but I figured it was probably just best to get it out to you guys instead of keeping you waiting. Hopefully it’s not too disjointed either. I’ve had some problems with thinking coherently and memory these past couple of weeks and I know it’s affected my writing. It’s also been split in half. The second part will probably be up in a few days since I haven’t finished it. I thought that way you’d at least get something instead of waiting for me to finish it so I could post it as one chapter.

I’ve gotta say I’m disappointed with how the writers decided to let Reynard go. Whether or not Julia kills Reynard is entirely her choice. Whatever feels right for her is what's best. If she wants to kill him, she would be justified. If she doesn't want to, she would also be justified in that. But I hate that he is basically escaping unpunished. There is no evidence to show that Persephone will do anything to make him pay appropriately for his crimes or that she will even contain him. She’s had centuries to deal with Reynard. She knew what he was doing and she let it slide. Twice in the last forty years he’s gone on a rampage and yet she stood back and did nothing. She would have continued to do nothing if Julia hadn’t proved that she was about to kill him. That doesn’t sound like someone who’s willing to dispense justice. For all we know, he’s living it up wherever she’s taken him (probably not but we don’t KNOW that) What’s to say he doesn’t return to earth and start up all over again. Maybe not in Julia’s lifetime but somewhere down the line? Reynard needs to be eliminated, not just because of his crimes but because he’s a threat. A huge one. It also felt too much like how in real life rapists get off most of the time with barely a slap on the wrist, if even that. And what, it’s OK to kill Ember and Umber but not Reynard? They may have ruined people’s lives but they’re nowhere near as bad as Reynard. And it could be said that they were mirroring that, trying to be realistic or some such, and show Julia having to cope with what many survivors of rape go through everyday - the knowledge that their rapist is still out there and that there will be no justice for what they did to them. But I don’t think the writers were even considering that. I don’t think they’ve been thinking about the messages they send at all which, in my opinion, is one of the worst things you can do as a writer. What you put out into the world shapes it. There are consequences to what you write. You can do great harm as well as great good and it’s important to keep that in mind. (and of course there’s this post http://welcometocaritas.tumblr.com/post/159979289101/margopluchinsky-feel-free-to-disagree-but)

Paired with the fact that they took away Julia’s shade as punishment for getting an abortion - perhaps not the message they intended but one that came across nonetheless - I remain very disappointed in her storyline this season. They can’t even blame these things on sticking to the books. Reynard was killed in the books (by Kady) and there was no pregnancy or abortion to speak of.

Also, note that alcohol is not actually a good way to combat insomnia. It may help you fall into a deeper sleep and do so quickly but it can cause you to wake up more frequently and to feel less rested than before (this is a very simple overview of the consequences). However not everyone is aware of this and will use it to self medicate anyway. Not to mention, as someone who has insomnia, wakes up frequently and is tired all the time anyway, anything that will help get you to sleep that first time can seem like a miracle and if I drank I’m not sure I would care too much about said ‘consequences’ as long as it meant I wasn’t lying awake forever.

Little piece of trivia: I’ve planning for a while now to make Our Lady Underground Persephone and Reynard’s mother. It was supposed to be a surprise twist but apparently the writers had the same idea so ‘Surprise?’. My version of Reynard and Persephone and their motivations is going to be slightly different, though, as I’ve already constructed the story around that. So hopefully nobody minds that too much.

Anyway, I would just like to thank you all for being so patient with me and I really am sorry about the wait.

. . .

Darkness

noun

the state or quality of being dark

absence or deficiency of light

wickedness or evil

obscurity; concealment

lack of knowledge or enlightenment

lack of sight; blindness.

"Where can I go?

When the shadows are calling

Shadows are calling me

What can I do?

When it's pulling me under

Pulling me underneath . . . "

- Deep End by Ruelle

…

Marina has never been a heavy sleeper, not since those far off nights as child, and so she's awake almost the instant Julia shifts beside her. Clearing the fog from her mind, she is relieved to discover that, unlike the last two nights, a decent amount of space has managed to remain between them. Thank God. Small mercies really can't be appreciated enough.

It also means that Julia's not tossing and turning on top of her.

They're still holding hands, though.

Marina frowns as she feels the hand in hers clench. It's sweaty and hot, only further increasing an already powerful need to let go.

She doesn't.

She doesn't know why she doesn't.

Craning her head, she can just make out Julia's face in the darkness, twisted in discontent. Her lips move in frantic, silent words. Moonlight catches the faint shine on her cheeks.

Marina's face flushes with heat and she clenches her hands before she knows what she's doing - flinches when she again feels the soft skin pressed against her own.

A tear bleeds down the brunette's temple into her hair.

She makes a concentrated effort not to tense up, not to react. But fire licks at her insides, egging her on.

It boils her blood and she wants to lash out, to maim.

She hates him.

And if she ever gets the chance, she'll make sure he knows just how much.

She's not a sadist or particularly keen on torture - especially the kind that involves blood - but she wouldn't hesitate in making an exception for him.

Fire still building, she reaches out her free hand - the damaged one - and hesitantly rests it on Julia's cheek, wiping the wetness away.

The other woman's energy keens under her touch, she can feel the distraught static of it against her fingertips. Oddly enough, it seems to ease somewhat under her administrations, each stroke dampening the violent buzz to a weary hum.

Julia turns her face into her hand, skin too hot as it presses into her palm.

She doesn't want to let go.

She wants to let go more than anything.

Soundless murmurs against her skin, lips brushing with each syllable.

She has to focus to ensure that her rigidity doesn't extent to her fingers, that her nails don't dig into vulnerable flesh. Her heart pounds.

- the monsters are here. The monsters have come to get her. She can sense them hiding in the shadows of her room, watching, waiting. Any moment they will strike and devour her. Now that they 're no longer confined to her nightmares.

"Shh, it's okay, Abby Baby."

But her dad is here. Curled up beside her, arms wrapped around her sobbing frame - a shield. The monsters won 't dare attack while he's here. He'll keep them away.

He always does.

A rough hand soothes the tears from her faces and she buries her head in his chest, hiding from the shadows.

"You're safe. No-one's going to hurt you."

She believes him, even with the terror still thrumming in her blood, sharp and wretched.

She believes him.

There is nowhere safer than in her dad 's arms. Those arms, strong enough to toss her up into the air and catch her without a grunt, again and again until she's crying with laughter. Those arms that can operate a gun and a knife as easily as she does a pencil. What monster would dare touch him?

No, he 'll protect her. He would never let anything hurt her.

He 'll keep the monsters away -

Marina tears her hand away and releases her hold on Julia's - a tad too violently but the brunette doesn't stir.

Not sparing her a glance, she rolls over, curling her body inward, away from the risk of touch, of past, of feeling too much. Squeezing her eyes shut, she wills sleep to return, to push this into the forgotten hallways of memory.

It doesn't.

At three in the morning, she considers swiping a bottle of Irish whiskey from Julia's kitchen to help the process along. But that would only raise the risk of nightmares and she used Ανονείρευτος, the dreamless sleep spell, just last night - hardly worth wasting it on the few measly hours before it's time to get out of bed. So she gives up and retreats to the bathroom to run through her drills again. All of them this time. From the top.

She turns on the light. Not because she needs it - she's long since passed the stage where she needs to watch the sharp, intricate movements of her hands; the patterns are etched into her body, the height of muscle memory - but because the darkness is oppressive. It takes her back, to those nights as a child, shadows closing in-

It takes her back to gasping on the floor, vision fading as the blood pools-

Trapped in the dark, nothing but the illumination of a few meager lights that always, inevitably are swallowed by the shadows. The walls around her, tighter, closer every day. She tries not to feel them. Tries to sleep. When He's not there. But the thump of footsteps above her, creak of floorboards, and murmurs of voices, familiar and otherwise, keep her alert, keep her awake. Maybe one of them will find her. But does she want that? Yes. No. She's safe here (she will never be safe here), He'll protect her (is that what this is?). The people out there want to hurt her, bind her in chains and sink her to the bottom of the river (Witch! Murderer!). But the darkness chokes her, wraps around her just as tightly as those chains, and she-

Head screaming, bursting, a sickly smirk out of the corner of her gaze as she writhes, falls, gives into the black-

Nothing good has ever come of the dark.

"IŞIK!" Light bursts between her hands, stronger than any manmade flashbulb, the kind that would have hurt her eyes if she was still in darkness. She thinks of a basement and a time when she would have given anything for such light, and the energy that buzzes under her skin is familiar, a comfort. The only one she has.

She doesn't leave until Julia knocks on the door five hours later.

Of the two-hundred-and-fifty levels she once achieved to perfection, she only manages fourty-two.

When she steps out the door, there are cracks in the mirror again.

. . .

". . . Darkness is sinking

Darkness is sinking me . . . "

- Deep End by Ruelle

. . .

After she and Julia swap places in the bathroom, she unearths the disgusting remains of her clothes from their shoved place under the bed. She sets fire to them with a click of her fingers - thankfully, that's still one spell she can do without trouble. No denying that there's something cathartic about watching things burn. Maybe there's a closet pyromaniac inside her. Might be entertaining to have them come out more often. First order of business would be blowing up that TV - there's only so much 'Gilmore Girls' she can stand (about a minute and a half).

With Julia in the bathroom, now's her chance . . .

Lost in this train of thought, she forgets about the firealarm which promptly goes off with a piercing shriek the moment the smoke from her clothes reaches the ceiling - well at least it's operational. The problem's quickly solved with a wave of her hand, though not before a disheveled and partially dressed Julia bursts from the bathroom, wide-eyed and hands at the ready.

"Reynard?"

Of course - the wards around the house have that same migraine inducing scream when they've been triggered. Marina feels the slightest slither of guilt twist inside her as watches the other woman look around wildly, searching, equal parts eager and afraid. It's possibly the most animated she's seen her apart from when she stood seconds away from plunging a knife into Reynard and ending his miserable existence for good - if she ever gets her hands on Kady's boytoy . . .

"Fire alarm," she explains, tone blunt, expression unapologetic.

Julia's shoulders sag and it's hard to tell whether she's relieved or disappointed. Maybe both.

After that, they return to their respective corners of the apartment.

Martin - who failed to budge from his spot on the couch all through the disruption - leaps upon this new invention with glee and she and Julia spend the next few hours silencing the hell out of the alarm every time he sets it off.

Marina is never burning anything again. She'll be nursing this headache for days.

It turns out Julia does have some scarves tucked away in that closet of hers. She's surprised she missed them yesterday but supposes it's not entirely out of the realm of possibilities - even she can admit that she wasn't in the best frame of mind to go clothes hunting. She exchanges the turtleneck for a black sweater and a navy blue scarf. It wraps around her neck like a boa constrictor -

hands squeezing, air -

And she rips it off and retrieves the turtleneck again. She's had more than enough of scarves for this lifetime anyway.

When she gets some alone time in the kitchen, she starts collecting the ingredients she'll need, same as yesterday, only to find that there's not enough witch hazel left to make the healing paste. And she's not ready to leave the apartment and get some more. Not yet.

Right now, the wards surrounding them are the only thing protecting her from Reynard. True, it's unlikely that he'll find her if she steps outside them. After all, he probably thinks she's dead and he doesn't seem the type you'd run into at your local supermarket. But a needle of dread still pierces her at the prospect. She can't risk it.

Not since she's reverted to amateur level when it comes to magic. And even when she was at the top of her game, she was no match for him.

It's a truth she has to face as much as she hates it.

She is, for the first time in almost two years, humiliatingly (terrifyingly) weak.

And Reynard . . .

She was held captive by a cannibalistic serial killer for months, ever aware of how any minute shift in circumstance could lead to her being served up for next week's dinner party. There's very little that can scare her these days.

Reynard does.

He has all the power. All of it. And absolutely no qualms when it comes to using it.

He's not the first to try to destroy her. But he does happen to be the one with the most likelihood of succeeding.

Disgusted, she tosses the meager beginnings of her spell into the bin and stalks off. Julia watches her from the couch, gaze burning into her back as she retreats to the bedroom.

Dinner that night is, if possible, even more awkward. Maybe because it's the first time all day that they share more than a minute in the same room - Marina is nothing if not a master in the art of avoidance. Looking at Julia, even now, assaults her with sensations she's done her best to push down since last night - hot, sticky skin pressed against her own, too soft, too much; the race of her pulse as she squeezed the hand in hers; the familiar but foreign tightness in her chest, too tight; her father's hand against her cheek, the coarseness of his sweater against her face -

She clenches the fork in her hand.

Scavenging a plate and disappearing into the bedroom to eat would have been preferable but it would also have been pathetic. Then there's the fact that she has something she needs to discuss with Julia, something she's put off too long already.

- cooking with Martin is its own special circle of hell, one Dante conveniently forgot to mention (not his fault, he was fortunate enough to live in a time period that didn't include the asshole) and the kitchen knife is becoming harder and harder to pass up. It's true that she has a temper and whilst usually she can contain it with her iron control, Martin somehow knows all the right buttons to push (possibly he has a death wish).

He is determined to interrupt her calm wherever possible.

She wonders whether he was born this annoying or if its a curse he acquired with age. She pities his family and friends. Or family anyway. No way did Bubl é have friends.

"Did you not sleep well last night? You are looking a tad wane." The prospect seems to inspire in him an unpleasant mix of curiosity and delight. It's been a while since she's entertained such graphic fantasies of murder but for him she'll make an exception.

"I slept just fine." She pastes a smirk, the kind that used to make first year Brakebills students pee their pants. It's unsurprising but still disappointing that it doesn't have quite the same effect on him."How was your night, though? That couch must be murder."

Her attempt at deflection fails. He shrugs unconcernedly. "I've experienced far worse. It would of course be perfectly reasonable for you to be suffering nightmares after your ordeal with Reynard." He grins, all teeth, all predator.

His hands with the knife is so close to hers. Just a breath away. Her eyes flick to it as she forces the smirk to remain. "That may be true for you but I slept just fine."

He scrutinizes her, entirely too gleeful , entirely unbelieving. A cat, toying with a mouse.

She hates being the fucking mouse.

"I was unaware that peaceful sleep was so . . . loud."

Just a breath away . . .

Fortunately, or unfortunately, Julia chooses that moment to approach them, putting a stop to whatever crime scene was surely about to erupt.

Marina keeps the knife at the edges of her vision, anyway. Just in case -

Just thinking of the conversation she had with Martin yesterday is enough to make her murderous all over again. She's not sure who she wants to kill more. Him or Reynard.

It did, however, raise an important question.

"Did I . . . say anything?" she forces out, fiddling with her knife. A nervous habit she thought long since defeated.

"What do you mean?"

She grits her teeth. "The other night. When I was sleeping."

The second time she was in Port Haven, they had a shortage of beds and stuck her with a roommate. She was able to inform Marina that, because her luck really is that bad, she'd somehow developed the ability to sleep talk. When she asked her what she would say when she did, her roommate was evasive at best.

'Nothing really. Sometimes names. You mention your dad. Mostly you just cry.'

The last part has her stomach churning now and she has to put down her fork and avoid looking at her plate of food so as not to risk any further humiliation. It's fear of what she might have let slip in her unconscious state that has her raising a topic she would give anything to leave dead, though.

Remembering the nightmare she had, she can only imagine the kinds of things she might have said. None of them ease the wave of anxiety, swelling up inside of her. She might have told Julia the bare bones of what happened to her, or rather one of the things that happened to her - because she's lucky enough to have a colorful variety - but that was when she was assured she wouldn't actually remember any of it.

She's not ready for Julia to know her like that. She's not ready for anyone to.

There is a pause that drags on too long in which Julia watches her carefully. Marina can't pick apart what lurks in her gaze but her gut twists with unease. Whatever it is, she doesn't like it. There's something far too knowing there.

But whatever Julia might have heard, she doesn't know a damn thing.

No-one does.

"You uh . . ." Julia pauses, pushes the food around on her plate in thought. There were enough leftovers from her cooking last night to see them through dinner but she notices the other woman has done little more than pick at hers. She'll have to keep an eye on that. It'll do them no good if they finally get their hands on Reynard only for Julia to pass out before delivering the killing blow - however she's going to do that. Not to mention, magic becomes excessively tricky (read: nigh impossible) to wield when you're malnourished.

She can attest to that.

But back to the problem at hand. Ascertaining that Julia remains as oblivious about her life as ever.

She's stalling, that much is obvious. Uncertain on what the best course of action is, what answer would serve Marina best. That doesn't exactly bode well. "You mentioned your dad."

"Oh." Something in Marina shuts down. Her heart lingers on a beat too long, her blood freezes her in place. For a moment, only darkness fills her mind. No thought. No feeling.

Darkness.

The moment ends. "What about him?" She tries to sound nonchalant, unconcerned with the answer. More or less succeeds. Enough practice will do that.

Her heart skips, picks up to an urgent race. How much could sleepy mumbles really have revealed? Enough to trigger the memory of that moment when they were in Julia's mind, when Marina confessed far too much? Is such a thing even possible? She's not looking at her like she knows. Knows all the gory details of her life.

She's seen that look enough to recognize it in an instant.

Julia shrugs, looking up from her plate. "Nothing. Just called out to him, I guess."

The relief is so strong that she doesn't pause to inspect whether the other woman might be lying to her. She can't. "Right. That sounds about right." She thinks about throwing in something about the nightmare having been one of those generic memories of being lost in a shopping mall as a kid, terrified and desperate for her father to find her. But that might be too obvious. She's not the type to overshare and Julia knows that. Telling her the (false) details of her dream would probably encourage more suspicion rather than snuff it out.

Marina turns her attention instead to eating, finishing off the last few mouthfuls of pasta. They settle uneasily in her still twisting stomach.

Julia hesitates. "Are you and your dad close?"

Her mouth thins. She pastes a smile that should pass for halfway convincing. "Hardly. And he died a long time ago, anyway."

Julia trains her gaze back on her plate, stirring with a tad too much focus. "Oh. Yeah. Mine too."

It's a revelation of sorts and Marina offers a weak smile, not sure if she's grateful or uneasy by Julia's willingness to share this information with her. Then again, her dad's probably not the big elephant in the room that hers always seems to be. Their relationship probably wasn't quite that colorful.

Probably died from something mundane like cancer. Maybe a car accident.

Tragic but average.

She can't deny her interest. She has a particular thirst for unearthing people's vulnerabilities, turning them around in her head, inspecting for ways they can be used to her advantage. Weak points.

It's habit to do that again now and she has to struggle to put on the brakes and halt the process. Morality is somewhat elusive to her these days but there's something uneasy in her chest that tells her it wouldn't be right. At least, not for the time being. Not after the other night.

What Julia did for her.

Even through the anger and shame at being seen, there's a trickle of gratitude for her. For what she did. For not not bringing it up, even now when Marina herself has broached the subject. She doesn't have it in her to thank her. To shine a light on what happened, or to lay herself bare in that way ever again.

But she can resist the urge to delve into her weaknesses and carve weapons from what she finds there to use against her.

She can do that.

At least for now.

. . .

"The spoken word converts individual knowledge into mutual knowledge, and there is no way back once you've gone over that cliff. Saying nothing was more amendable, and over time I'd come to see that it was usually your best course of action." ― Karen Joy Fowler, We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves

. . .

So it's been almost a week since returning from Fillory, and she's no closer to figuring out a way to destroy Reynard - has actually gotten further away from that particular destination - or figuring out what's going on with Marina. Granted, the last is little more than a side project to keep her mind off how everything seems to be going-has gone to shit. It's not working very well.

Maybe because she's exhausted all of her information. There's nothing new to go on. All she has is a vague feeling of knowing something that she doesn't and the distorted murmurs caused by a nightmare.

There was a moment, during dinner, when Marina broached the subject with her, giving her the perfect opportunity to fish for clues. But she didn't. Quite the opposite, actually. She went so far as to deny knowledge of the little information she did have. To reassure Marina.

Because she saw it. The fear in her eyes. Skillfully hidden but by this point she likes to think she knows her well enough to detect those kind of irregularities in her demeanor. Fear at being seen, being known. Of whatever she wants hidden seeing the light.

And all the questions disappeared from her then. All the curiosity and thirst for distraction. None of it was important.

All that mattered in that moment was eliminating the fear in her eyes. She never wanted to see it there again.

(knew she would)

It's a relief to know that she cares. For a minute there, she began to doubt that she still could. That when Reynard hollowed her out, he did so completely, stealing away with her humanity on top of everything else.

But she still loves Quentin - the feeling is dulled, easily ignored, and she doesn't experience the guilt she knows she should for betraying him, instead she feels anger at his interference in the trap they set for Reynard, that he might have ruined the one chance she had to take him down, but he had warned her, and she had warned him right back, and it's all just a jumbled mess of confusion that most days doesn't even register. But she knows she loves him.

And she knows she cares whether Marina is hurt. Whether she's scared.

And it's a relief.

"I have something for you."

The voice startles her and she flinches, eyes almost wild, and glances around for the source. But it's just Marina, coming into her room, a handful of papers in hand. And she tries to relax, really she tries. But her body is rigid and her heart is too loud, too fast and the headache that's only just started to abate resurges with a vengeance.

Marina pauses in the doorway, expression inscrutable. Julia knows she sees, though.

She feels lightheaded. And it's only then she realizes that she's holding her breath.

She exhales, too harsh, too quick, and feels a rush of dizziness for the effort. But her muscle relax slightly as she pulls fresh oxygen into her lungs and the bite of her nails into her skin - she notices her hands have clenched into fists - distracts her from the pounding in her chest.

After a minute, she breathes a little easier, sees a little clearer.

Her head still hurts like a mother fucker.

"What time is it?" Because disorientation is starting to set in and she can't remember how long she's been sitting in here, on her bed, staring at the wall. Only that it's darker than she remembers and the scrape of her throat speaks of dehydration.

"Almost nine," Marina answers. She doesn't comment on Julia's freak reaction or her current confusion and for that she's grateful.

Nine. She's been in here for three hours. There's a book beside her on European folklore. It's from the days of FTB when they were looking for anything they could dig up on Our Lady Underground. She hoped it might offer some insight on Reynard for them now but there's not much to find.

French.

Fox.

Trickster.

Benevolent.

So basically just a bunch of crap.

She came in here to read it. But she couldn't concentrate. And then her thoughts got ahold of her. The rest is a blur.

She sighs and rubs her eyes, suddenly feeling her exhaustion. "Did you say you had something?"

Her heart picks up again but this time it's not fear that makes her sit at attention. It's hope. Or what she can manage of it. Maybe she's done it. Maybe she's found what Julia can't. An answer. A-

The other woman nods and comes further into the room, taking a seat on the bed. There's a near meter of space between them. She's not sure if it's for her benefit or Marina's. Possibly both. Either way, it's welcome.

"I wrote down the basic steps of that dreamless sleep spell," she says, drawing her attention to the papers in her hand. "Figured you might want it."

Her shock overcomes the familiar pangs of disappointment. She's surprised at the gesture. Though maybe she shouldn't be. "Thanks."

Marina scowls. "Please, like I want to go through the effort of casting that spell on you myself all the time. And this is hardly the first spell I've ever given you - which reminds me, we need to work on expanding your repertoire if you're serious about taking on Reynard."

That's true and she remembers days and nights hunched over binders and papers in the Safe House, Marina seated beside her, talking her through the process, correcting her errors and giving rare but useful advice.

Things were so much easier then.

It might even be nice, to return to some semblance of that. There are so many spells out there and it would be a lie to say she doesn't still hunger to get her hands on all of them. Marina, at least, has the knowledge to bring her just a little closer to that dream.

She doesn't comment on the Reynard part. Marina knows she's serious. They both are. There are some things that don't need to be voiced to be understood.

"Still," she insists. "I appreciate it."

And something falters in her gaze, just for a second, maybe even half, but Julia catches it. Even so, she's not sure what it is that she sees.

Last night, when Marina was in the shower, she unearthed her scarves from the chest she kept them in and scattered them in conspicuous - but not overly so - places in her closet. What she really wants to do is heal the other woman but knows the offer will only make Marina retreat further. Or lash out.

But Marina is still wearing that same damn turtleneck - the one she wore for her Brakebills exam and hasn't touched since - and she wonders if whether she should have been more obvious after all. It's not something she can ask about, though. Just another question to lock away inside her and ponder for answers.

She doesn't do well with unanswered questions.

That old thirst rears its head as she looks the pages over after Marina relinquishes them. She soaks in the feeling, the fire. How hard it once was to get her hands on even the barest traces of magic. It still feels a little like a drug every time she grasps some but it no longer controls her - that craving.

Well, no more than her caffeine addiction does.

Marina's writing is in block letters so as to be more legible - Julia has complained about her confusing scribble in the past - but it's the diagrams that hold her attention. Drawing after drawing of hand positions, surprisingly detailed and accurately, as well as sketches of what she should picture in her mind as she performs the spells.

They're good. Far exceeding anything Julia can create with a pen.

"Just . . ." Marina shifts. "Use it sparingly, okay? Or you might find yourself with some unpleasant side-effects."

"What kind of side-effects?" To be honest, Julia doesn't even care. Not really. If it'll get rid of the nightmares, if she can stop reliving that moment again and again, she doesn't care if it makes all her hair fall out.

Marina shrugs. "Oh, you know: paranoia, panic attacks, hallucinations. The usual. I knew one guy who started eating shit because he thought he was a dung beetle . . ."

Julia grimaces.

All of a sudden she's reluctant to take the spell but not so reluctant that she won't. She'd eat shit if it meant a break from the nightmares but she'd rather not have to.

"How often is too often?"

Marina considers the question for a moment. "It varies. I'd start with one night on, three nights off. See how that goes."

Sounds reasonable enough. Even a temporary reprieve is better than none.

"Thanks," she says and means it.

This wasn't something that she asked for. Marina didn't have to give it to her. Especially after the incident with Reynard. But she did this for her anyway. Even gone the extra mile and, instead of just showing Julia the spell, writing it out for her so that she can learn it in her own time. The pile of pages isn't thin - it would have taken a while to complete.

Thing about Marina is, for all her obvious protestations to the contrary, she does care.

- "Jesus, Julia, I wanna help." -

It's just a little harder to spot than with most. But when you see it, you see it.

And you can't close your eyes to it.

You're stuck with the knowledge, whether you want it or not.

(she's not sure she does)

It's a care, a kindness she's not sure she deserves after everything that's happened. As much as she wants to escape the nightmares a small part of her wonders if she has the right to. Maybe this is her punishment to bear. For summoning Reynard. For all the lives that he's destroyed. For betraying Quentin.

(he betrayed you too, he said he'd help you catch Reynard and instead he ruined what might have been your only chance to stop him)

Marina turns uncomfortable at the gratitude. "Yeah, well, it's more for my sake than yours. You keep kicking me in your sleep."

She doesn't know if that's true. James always said she slept like the dead, even when she was dreaming. But that could have changed. Nothing else has stayed the same, so why should that?

"Oh. Sorry." She feels something that might be guilt, or shame. It's hard to tell, weak as it is. It's an uncomfortable emotion whatever it is. But deserved - on top of feeding her to Reynard, she's also cutting into her sleep time.

"It's fine." Marina's response is terse and, if anything, she looks even more uncomfortable with the apology. Unbelievable. Before Reynard, she'd never even glimpsed a flicker of unease in the other woman. Now it seems to be happening far too much. It uneases her. Things have changed too much already. "I'm going to take a shower."

It's the regular excuse slash exit strategy that both of them have been employing, to various degrees of success. Sometimes you just need to run.

Julia nods, and lets her go.

. . .

"Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change. Kindness that catches us by surprise brings out the best in our natures."

- Bob Kerrey

Işık (Turkish for 'light, sun’) is a spell used to create light in the books. It’s the hedge witch version of similar one taught at Brakebills and is the spell for Level 1 that hedges need to be able to demonstrate in order to be let into safe houses. The way they use levels is a lot more ambiguous on the show and I’ve decided to incorporate a lot more from the books when it comes to that and the world of hedge magicians. Mostly because I like the descriptions of it in the book and how it seems to be an organised, worldwide network operating right under the noses of ‘real magicians’ who for the most part don’t even know it exists. On the show, they seem more like crack houses that those at Brakebills are fully aware of (as evidenced by Elliot in the third episode). So I’m going for a mix of these two.

I can’t recall if I’ve mentioned this before but just in case Port Haven is the Psychiatric Facility they stuck Abigail in after her family was killed. I’ve got some theories about this - and how I’m not convinced it was entirely legal or was, at the very least, an abuse of power - but I’ll get into that another time.

There is also a reference here to the time Hannibal kept Abigail in his basement. I don’t think he kept her in there 24/7 - we know he took her out at least once to manipulate her into slashing the throat of her father’s corpse - but we do know from Word of God that she was kept in there. Seeing as, apparently, Beverly Katz saw her down there before Hannibal killed her. It was also dark enough down there that Beverly needed a torch to see at the time.

Note that alcohol is not actually a good way to combat insomnia. It may help you fall into a deeper sleep and do so quickly but it can cause you to wake up more frequently and to feel less rested than before (this is a very simple overview of the consequences). However not everyone is aware of this and will use it to self medicate anyway. Not to mention, as someone who has insomnia, wakes up frequently and is tired all the time anyway, anything that will help get you to sleep that first time can seem like a miracle and if I drank I’m not sure I would care too much about said ‘consequences’ as long as it meant I wasn’t lying awake forever.

Also, someone asked if Quentin would be coming into this and I can tell them that eventually he will because I think he’s a very important part of Julia’s life and that he will need to be involved in some way for Julia to fully heal. However, it won’t be for a long while. Right now, the story is very much just about Marina and Julia. Although, Kady will be coming into it to at some point, probably around part 3 (to give you some idea when that might be, we are currently about halfway through part 1 or just over that). Because I love Kady and I love her relationship with Julia and I need her in this story.

Also, if you’re interested, check out my Marina/Julia vids where I attempt to make people cry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQ_sTg5Y6Xg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yl1MnbVCBtQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-kNwZCE-3Y (a julia vid) I made a really bad intro trailer for this fic https://youtu.be/JrZNJh8crYI Say hi to me and we can cry about Marina and Julia together! Twitter: https://twitter.com/BonnieLextra