#it's all self-imposed
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work stress makin me feel like im about to implode
#the worst part is that the shit im stressed out over is shit i really shouldnt be stressed about#it's all self-imposed#and internalization of stuff#idk i just feel!!!!! incompetent and stupid and slow and like im behind and should be doing better#:(#and now it is time to go study for an exam i dont really know if i want to take#to advance in a career i dont even know if i want to be in#i guess on the bright side the studying/exam taking will only take a year#so. in the grand scheme of things. if i ever change my mind and decide i cant take this anymore. its not That much time really#i mean#i am very fortunate for the job and degree and experience i have#i realize that dont get me wrong#but the constant guilt and anxiety is still Always There regardless#tho really itd still be there with anything i were to do as a career#idk i just feel like i lucked into something i dont deserve/am too incompetent for#and im gonna fumble and drop the ball#and people are gonna be like. god. why did we hire her#mine
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got a long-form comic/story i wanna do & wanted to have fun doing twins designs yaaaaaaaay
#gravity falls#mabel pines#dipper pines#gf nevermind all that#stump art#its MY fanfiction so i can make dipper as trasn as MUCH AS I WANT#mabel being cagey about her fashion choices is entirely self imposed btw#she just likes the drama of it#krita i hate your text editing tool btw <3
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quick lmhs itafushi because god help me i have Not been able to get the concept of yuuji smiling/laughing into kisses out of my head
jjk atla!au with @philosophiums
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#itadori yuuji#fushiguro megumi#itafushi#fanart#jjk fanart#yuuji#megumi#jjk atla!au#atla!au: art#lmhs#shade skin with green without making the characters look Nauseous challenge#...success???? i mean i sure HOPE success :'>#i blocked in a green (bc lmhs i...usually block in a green...) but then i thought. i will try putting hints of it on the skin Also#and i like it !!! i fr one do not think they look seasick#i love lmhs itfs because the colour scheme is so Earthy (pun intended). moss green... warm browns... my beloveds <333#but even more than that#i love love loVE. drawing yuuji looking at megumi like he is all that exists in the world#bc i Also look at megumi like he is all that exists in the world#also im sure this is a common artist thing to have designated Spots fr characters when drawing them interacting#like fr me . normally when i draw itfs interacting in any way (read: smooching) i default to putting megu on the Right#so this admittedly threw me a bit GHSGJ#anyway!!! i realized it has been a whole WEEK since my last lmhs itfs and that simply will not stand.#my quOTA D: D: D: my self imposed QUOTA#i am going to get a bad grade in long term passion project :( sam is going to kill me and then Fire me#speaking of sam i shant say much but yuuji is currently experiencing The Horrors(tm) in draft1 so he can have a distraction :3 my treat#one of us has to be nice to him and it seems it is my turn#anyway i amn eepyyyy goodnight smile :)
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Midnight visitor.
#one layer#i did all of this on (mostly) one fucking layer#i have a love hate relationship with lineless art and this was supposed to a self imposed challenge#i mean i like how it turned out but. man. man#anyway tags#the mandela catalogue#tmc#the mandela catalog#the mandela catalogue gabriel#the mandela catalog gabriel#tmc gabriel#alternate gabriel#archangel gabriel
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“Maître in the bedroom. Maître only when it's hot or convenient.”
Interview with the Vampire, S2E6, 'Like the Light by Which God Made the World Before He Made Light' (2024)
The Duke of Burgundy (2014) dir. Peter Strickland
#iwtv#interview with the vampire#the duke of burgundy#loumand#jacob anderson#assad zaman#peter strickland#ellisgifs#iwtvedit#filmandtv#parallellis#iwtv s2#iwtv spoilers#i finally watched the duke of burgundy this week so this parallel was all i could think about this scene#the apologies and the hollow comfort....#the one with the power in the relationship getting kicks out of playing the submiss ive#and their partner straining under the weight of their imposed masterhood...#trying not to yell 'the very stuff of my self is splitting apart right now and you seem to care more about playing your game'#eventually you can't role play your way through all your unacknowledged baggage.... eventually you have to actually TALK about it#iwtv parallels
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characters taking a break from their mental-breakdown arcs in their solo titles to show up in crossover events is always big 'ok you're sick but who's gonna cover your shift?' energy :P
#superman about to self imposed exile from earth but showing up in invasion#dick in war games#which like! makes sense b/c a wholescale alien invasion thing where many people are dying is a case of all hands on deck#but damn XD#dc comics#crossover events#war games#invasion#superman#edit: and suicide squad 23 showing up in invasion is reminding me waller is also having her own guilt/stress induced hallucinations#worst time for everyone truly in invasion
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reminder: g/t is not about trying to Get A Good Grade In Morality. g/t isn’t about making things palatable to others. you can use those fucked up ideas you have. you can draw that NSFW. not all g/t content has to be Ideologically and Morally Pure. you can do whatever you want actually. preferences and likes in fiction do not equal IRL values. fiction =/= reality. write that fucked up g/t shit
#its…… fiction. its fiction. its fake. all of this is fake#like as long as the content is tagged appropriately then people can do whatever they want !#sorry i was thinking of my fucked up gt ocs and how i never talk abt them bc it feels like I Cant#but….. thats a self imposed limit. why do i impose it on myself? why do any of us?#ppl talk about how weirdly puritan the fandom is and its like. itll be so until we let ourselves be freaks#i should let myself be a freak more. and you should too!
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little red riding hood but there's no hood and the big bad wolf is a cat and I don't think there's anything to ride in the forest and ringo could be littler so really it's just. red.
#puyo puyo#ringo ando#ecolo#necolo#i guess i can tag necolo separately lmao even if its the same chara#took part in the eppc drawpile n drew ringo! ive been wanting to draw something little red for such a long time#ever since i properly listened to drama 3-3 and clocked ecolo saying 'the uniform's nice but the dress is a nice change of pace!'#and i zoned in on it immediately. as someone given access to working hands i am able to draw ringo in more dresses and by god im doing it#(even if technically this is a blouse-skirt combo. shh)#also while coloring i tried to limit my palette as much as i could#so everything that shares a color is the same shade and all#much easier to color and it looks cool so win-win!#took artistic liberty with ecolo by making him grey instead of blue but such are the perils. of self-imposed limitations#i traded that out by making the green more blue to fit his original palette as opposed to ringo#(since she got the majority of first color decisions anyway)#anyway it was fun. i love drawing what i personally want to see and making it everyone else's problem#my stuff
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#iasip#it's always sunny in philadelphia#always sunny#macdennis#macden#analysis#meta#a beautiful smile to hide the pain...#what if i told you this post was inspired by me listening to SURFACE PRESSURE from encanto and thinking ''it's mac''#who am i if can't carry it all. if i falter......#i think if dennis could see mac's hole that hes hidden so well it would humble him. because he thinks mac doesn't care. he does#hes under a lot of pressure all the time. self imposed. to make sure everyone is safe. shouldering it all and pretending to be fine.#to be worthy of their love. to be in control#if they could see each other's holes and realize how similar yet opposite their experiences are... like foils.#hiding their vulnerability from the other#i could talk about this dynamic of taking care of each other for days dont try me#can we talk about also that part in hits theroad where they were talking abt a guy seeming fine then going crazy right before mac says that#can we acknowledge that it was about mac. and he really could snap any moment from the pressure#the more demanding dennis is of his help. the thinner mac is spread. can weeee talk about ittttt#parallels
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day 7 of torikasa week is future! what will they do after graduation?
#torikasa#enstars#ensemble stars#tori himemiya#tsukasa suou#art tag#torikasa week 2024#i fear im tagging it slightly differently every day#the first page is actually from may hsldkjfhlsjfds#and you can kinda tell because that was the height of my ''they should be in different continents.'' era#promessa fixed me later#but i still entertain this thought often....#after this tsukasa says something dismissive and hurtful and tori gets angry because he was actually excited to share this!#why can't you be happy for me!#but tsukasa can't be happy. because it means he can no longer be by tori's side. then realization. then ooook a lot to unpack there#then maybe he offers to help tori with english#he doesn't want to cut off his wings after all!!!!!!!!!1#then maybe and only maybe he ends up going along with tori despite everything#since this is more like a self-imposed distance in the end#tho if we're being real since this is enstars tori would end up going back to japan like twice a month izumi-style#this writes itself. im not drawing it rn but it does#i think both separation and going abroad together is good#terrible roommates at college sounds so fun............. that should definitely happen in canon my favorite business majors#comic#nearly forgot that one
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hey kim dokja why does the protagonist you identify heavily with and who is foundational to your identity have so much transfem coding. why did the character you invented to put into the story literally become a trans girl while you weren't looking at her. come back here I have more questions for you
#narrates#orv#YES part of the point of both yjh and jhy is how these characters exist outside of the fate imposed on them by the text#AND the ideas kdj has about them. what tls123 intended doesn't exactly matter in the face of their self determination#same with kdjs interpretation of them. it does and doesn't matter#but HMMMMM is all im saying
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#kris#ralsei#kralsei#deltarune#doodles#sunday doodles#drawings from last week#they have acquired a lengendary item#the comforting power of boyfriend jacket is unparalleled#sorry for the kralsei spam lately#been feeling a little lonely irl#self imposed but there all the same#i shall continue to project onto these two until you guys say its annoying#and then i will continue to do so unposted and in the privacy of my sketchbook
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SUITORS' DAY!!!!
IT'S THEM!!! MY FAVORITE GUYS!!!
#dracula#dracula daily#it's physically impossible for me to design a trio without my self-imposed “circle square triangle” rule#the desire for shape language is too strong#also i know that my arthur doesn't look at all like his canon description#but i don't care#if i want a short red-haired clean shaven befreckled king i'll draw a short red-haired clean shaven befreckled king#arthur holmwood#dr jack seward#quincey morris#the suitors
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What are your headcanons about Marcille's mom if you have any? It's interesting that what drew Donato to her was cause she lived the history he studied, or that was said somewhere at least. She must've had an interesting life.
so this was going to be just a normal answer but then I realized I have a Lot of Things To Say. so here goes, a compilation of what we know for a fact from the canon, what I've extrapolated from the visual cues and details, and my theories based on all of that.
Things we know for a fact about Marcille's mother because they were explicitly stated in the manga and supplemental materials:
She was a court mage for a Tall-man kingdom at the southern part of the Northern Continent
Donato, a court historian, fell in love with her because she had lived through the history he was studying, and he courted her for 17 years (age 15 to 32) before getting married
She was a cheerful person who rarely showed extreme emotion and took things as they came
She always cooked a huge meal for Marcille on her birthdays
She remarried a gnome after Donato's death and a short distance away from Marcille's childhood home
Pipi, Marcille's pet bird, was actually older than Marcille and originally belonged to her mother (bird died at 62)
She was extremely heartbroken when Donato died and ultimately ended up instilling a deep fear of mortality in Marcille with her words
the only time she showed extreme emotion in front of her family was when Donato could no longer eat his favourite dish near the end of his life.
She scolded Marcille for being cruel to ants (implying she can have a stern side when needed)
Things that are explicitly shown but mostly through visual cues
She has a very distinctive style of dress always involving a ribbon choker (mirroring Marcille's habit of always wearing a matching choker with any of her outfits that don't cover her neck)
She was almost stereotypically good at housekeeping and traditionally "wifely" things (very frequently depicted wearing an apron or doing some domestic chore when not at work, seems to have been an avid cook).
She knits? (also, note the affectionate smile as she's looking at Donato and Marcille reading a book together in the full panel)
She was as excited for Marcille's milestones as Donato was.
She didn't tell Marcille much about elven food
(there are a couple things that this panel in particular implies:
She lived a good deal of her life (if not being born and raised) in a mainly elven country in the West, implied by her knowing enough of an elven region's cuisine to prefer Tall-man food over it
seems to have a pretty carefree and casual demeanour overall, if this is how she replied to Marcille asking her about it (sounds like she never gave her culinary preferences that much thought to begin with)
slightly related to number 2, it seems like she and Marcille had a fairly casual parent-child dynamic (especially in comparison to the Toudens' memory of their father)
(local elf tastes Italian food once and never goes back))
However, she seems a lot more... serious in most of the other times we see her? Almost like the very stereotypical archetype of a graceful elf.
Subsequent conclusions about her personality:
Usually pretty carefree and cheerful at home, has been a loving and attentive parent throughout Marcille's childhood (while not being so doting that she didn't discipline Marcille).
Slightly more conjectural theories on her personality:
Had a much more graceful and professional personality at work, which would explain the more serious portraits we see of her.
Given that both she and Donato had positions at the royal court, it seems a little odd that she'd go out of her way to do all the housework herself, so maybe she just enjoyed doing it?
Now taping all the evidence together and toeing the line between analysis and fanfiction:
It's clear that she loved Donato very much and was utterly devastated by losing him. But there's one thing that really stuck out to me in what little we see of her:
Doesn't she seem... angry? The way she's gritting her teeth, clutching the tablecloth, and how this is the first and only time we see her eyes opened that wide. In the following panel, you see her being quiet and dejected after her initial outburst. She's still crying very intensely, but her brows are furrowed, and she's not really responding to Donato's affection in her body language.
We're not told the details of how she felt about losing Donato other than that it upset her. But this, to me, implies that she was angry and resented that he was aging, that the end of his life was approaching. An "it's not fair" type of preemptive grief. And if this was the first and last time she cried like this in front of her family, she was either very good at coping in private... or very bad at letting herself feel unpleasant emotions until they become unavoidable and end up overwhelming her.
It's not too remarkable a detail on the surface. It's even reminiscent of what the audience has seen of Marcille. But... when it comes to the big picture, you'd think an elf who voluntarily chose to marry a tall-man and have a half-elf child would have been better prepared for this.
It kind of recontextualizes her cheerfulness to me.
"I'm sure everything's gonna be okay!" (or some variation thereof, depending on what translation you have).
And this is stated to contrast her extreme grief when finally confronting Donato's failing body and eventual death. But I'm wondering if... maybe this optimism was why she was so upset. What if she went into all of it thinking "everything's gonna be okay"? What if she was a little young by elven standards, and just followed her heart thinking that her own resilience would get her through anything?
Of course, only to get completely overwhelmed when she actually loses Donato. She turns into a completely different person. And that's heartbreaking on its own-- but what the audience sees is the effect it had on Marcille. Can you imagine being her, watching your invincible and upbeat mother suddenly lose all the light in her eyes in one go?
I've already made a huge post about how I think Marcille models her "work persona" off her mother, but another thing that stuck with me as I was looking for more details in the manga was this:
copy pasting from the other post i made about it lmao it's like... the second she resigns herself to lifelong pain and terror, there's another portrait of her mother facing her like this. with their heads bowed, in mirrored body language of resignation and despair and sorrow. Except it's posed like Marcille is still looking at her mother but her mother is looking away.
It took me a second to realize, but I think that it's a visual metaphor for the fact that Marcille's mother was the only long-lived role model she had-- and she failed to model healthy grief for her daughter. I don't say this as an accusation or to disparage her as a character, but just as a matter of fact. In her, Marcille was seeing herself older and losing a short-lived spouse or loved one of her own, and all she saw was hopelessness.
But her mother didn't mean to instill hopelessness and terror in her. She wasn't really thinking of how it would truly affect Marcille at all (at least, that's how I'm interpreting her looking down and away from Marcille in the metaphor), she was just sad. And she, in her own way, was trying to protect her daughter and help her prepare for future losses.
What she meant was "loss is inevitable, and you have to learn how to be in pain but live on anyway." What Marcille heard was "loss is inevitable, and you will be scared and hurt for the rest of your life."
Again. Marcille's mother doesn't feature explicitly in the story the way her father does -- but in so many ways, her shadow, her silhouette, her reflection is always hanging over Marcille.
All that to say... headcanon-wise (everything from here on is 100% without evidence lmao), I'd like to think that she matured and realized that she failed Marcille. I imagine her being regretful about it, wanting a chance to fix it but never finding a way to insert herself back into Marcille's life when Marcille is so so so busy becoming the most accomplished mage possible. I imagine her being herself again, now, so many years after her loss and after remarrying -- but with her cheerfulness tempered with a lot more wisdom and the pain of having gone through loss like that. I think the second Marcille actually tells her what happened in the dungeon, she'd want to go running to her daughter again -- if Marcille tells her the full truth instead of just being embarrassed she let things get that far. (oh, the tragedy of her wanting to be more like her mother and an accomplished adult who doesn't need to be babied... being embarrassed to actually tell her mother how much she fucked up...)
There's also the tension of her having remarried -- I know that there's at least a little bit of resentment that Marcille harbours about that, because she's childish like that at heart even if she makes an effort not to externalize it. I think that her mother would be aware of that, potentially adding to her sense of guilt and apprehension at trying to reappear/intrude on Marcille's life. I honestly don't think Marcille has met her stepfather -- or even considers him a stepfather rather than "mama's new husband" and kind of a total stranger. I think she and her mother actively don't talk about it in their correspondence, like an elephant in the room.
but, ultimately, I think her mother is on her side no matter what. Ancient magic? Dark necromancy? Sure, she'll feel guilty and like she was partially responsible for setting Marcille down such a painful path, but she wouldn't care. that's her daughter!! she would've moved back west and been petitioning for her at the court, buying a house right next to the Canaries barracks and visiting her every day that she wasn't on a mission. And if her husband had opinions on Marcille becoming a "dark arts user," he either gets over it or it's divorce with him. Yes, she might have had her optimism completely humbled by losing Donato like that -- but she's still headstrong and self-assured and she doesn't care what people think of her. It's her way or the highway and she's always going to be in Marcille's corner.
(She also needs a name lol. I went with Juno, just to be cute about "Marcille"s closest real life equivalent being Marcella, which is the female version of Marcellus, which in turn is a diminutive of Marcus, which was derived from Mars. Absolutely in love with Marcille potentially being named after Ares/Mars the fucking god of war btw)
#asks#she could easily be interpreted as distant or neglectful after Donato's death too#with how little involvement she has in Marcille's life/the fact that Marcille doesn't even mention her when talking about her life prospect#and that's fair! I will argue to hell and back that she was a loving parent when Donato was alive#but there's nothing that suggests she remained a loving parent afterwards#I just think that like... parental relationships are so complicated in dungeon meshi#you cannot deny that the toudens' mother loved them dearly but that she failed them both miserably as a parent#and i think it'd be more compelling if Marcille's mother was a little like that too#not a totally and easily dismissable deadbeat#but someone who truly loves her daughter but was only human herself and couldn't be what Marcille needed at a crucial moment#and regrets it deeply#and that the distance between them is mutually self-imposed by complicated feelings of guilt and fear#and a little resentment from Marcille's side that she hasn't really properly processed#I don't know if I'll ever get around to writing it but i had this idea where Marcille does finally spill the beans to her mom and she just#immediately arrives in Melini#and its awkward for a bit but they do finally have a heart to heart and air it all out#and marcille starts freaking out that her marriage is rocky rn bc her new husband wants her to distance herself from marcille#on account of the crimes and all#marcille's like no you can't blow up your marriage for me and her mother just shuts that shit down#'you didn't choose to be born. i was the one who made that choice for you'#'i brought you into this world and i'll be damned if i don't take responsibility for that the entire way'#'you are entitled to *nothing less* than my unconditional love.'#and obviously that's not a sentiment that's exactly healthy as a universal statement about parenthood#but i think its what her mother would believe and what marcille needs to hear#and dungeon meshi does such a fantastic job at just... letting imperfect things just *be* without having to justify it immediately#it expects the audience to do their own critical thinking#and know that its not trying to make sweeping universal statements in every instance#marcilleposting#marcille donato#junoposting
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Steddie Mermay! 16/16
#steddie#eddie munson#steve harrington#mermay 2024#I DID IT#thanks for joining me for my silly self imposed challenge lol i'm very proud of myself for doing all 16 days
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gremlyn's danganronpa: despair time x limbus company au: hell's chicken edition (in which arei is also the ultimate conflict escalator)
the number of students who canonically can cook is actually rather high, but with 17 of these bastards running around there's bound to be Multiple incidents... (more yapping under cut!)
drdt cast's canon cooking abilities notes: -) has cooked in-universe: eden (ch1e3 baking + ch2e1 breakfast), hu (ch1e5 dinner), levi (ch2e1 breakfast), nico & veronika (ch2e3 breakfast), charles (ch2e4 cucumber flowers... do they count?? but he can cook eggs by ch2e8 so i'm putting him here) -) implied that they can cook: min (ch1e3 baking; afaik eden does most of the steps but she was there for the scene and understands the processes so i'll just put her here), rose (ch1e3 baking + ch2e6 lunch: "i was apparently supposed to help cook this meal"), j (ch2e1: "...the last thing i feel like doing is cooking"), arei (ch2e1: "but i also don't want to cook. what to do...") -) stated in qnas: whit (best cook in the cast, specialty is french), david (can cook decently but is usually too lazy to), xander (has a weak sense of taste and compensates by adding in Too much flavor, so his food is inedible to everyone else) -) disaster in the kitchen: teruko (ch1e1 investigation + ch1e5 dinner uses this exact wording, but i assume this mostly pertains to her bad luck fucking up electronics since she makes her own food throughout ch2) -) unknown: ace, arturo (afaik these two's cooking ability have never been mentioned so far!), mai (we barely know anything about her. so)
i split up all 16 sinners (replacing whit with mai, since arei banned him from the competition) into four teams of 4. i initially tried randomizing it while sticking to my personal rules of "xander and arei in different teams", "arei and eden in the same team (so they can cook together once before arei's character development)", and "hu in the same team with a 'sabotager' so she doesn't win", but i eventually decided to just make the teams manually. in-universe you can see this as arei rigging the votes.
this didn't end up as chaotic as canon limbus, but i guess that's what happens when most of your cast can canonically cook, so you have to provoke them to beefing with each other...
-) team 1: xander, ace, j, david. there was not enough common sense to counter xander's tastebuds and he learned absolutely nothing. sad! -) team 2: arei, levi, nico, eden. there was not enough hater energy to counter arei's sabotage. also arei had fun even disregarding all the sabotage she did but she won't admit that (yet) -) team 3: rose, arturo, veronika, mai. it's less "food" and more "abstract art piece" that horrifies their poor client, inflicting 10 sinking potency and 8 sinking count -) team 4: charles, min, teruko, hu. with hu's guidance they actually made a really good "family restaurant"-style chicken dish. the ones where it's a big portion for a family to share. they try to get teruko to carry the dish but min realizes and stops teruko from touching the plate. Unfortunately teruko's luck kicks in and min ends up dropping the dish anyways -) won by default: mai secretly let whit in team 3's kitchen and let him cook a backup dish just in case every team fucked up. papa bongy accepts the dish and they eventually un-distort him, making him mvp of the mission and winner by default!
#gremlynposting#ingin menjadi illustrator namun enggan menggambar#danganronpa despair time#drdt#gremlyn's drdt x lcb au#xander matthews#teruko tawaki#j rosales#ace markey#min jeung#veronika grebenshchikova#david chiem#arei nageishi#whit young#everyone else is mentioned in the yapping but i won't tag them since this was. meant to be an art post#that is Hopefully understandable with the little context i wrote on the top?#whatever. silly guys in a self-imposed cooking contest. thats all you need to know!! yaaaaay!#also testing how i want to make “comics”
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