#it's all for Her (the dropdown menu)

[garden-ghoul]

oh yeah I kept getting distracted and forgetting to post it but I've finally achieved my dream of many years: when confronted with a dropdown menu for honorifics I can choose "dr" instead of a gendered address 👍

[amazinglyashy]

I Think You'll Be Okay

Read on Ao3 Pairings: Rafayel x Reader Summary: You find yourself face to face with an old flame. Your heart pounding loud enough for you to hear it, but your feet refusing to move, refusing to get you to safety. That's alright though. Safety comes to you. Or You meet up with your abusive ex-boyfriend again when waiting for the train. Luckily for you, someone else decided to take the train today. Tags: Past Domestic Violence, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Protectiveness, Rescue, Hurt/Comfort Wordcount: 6,107

You fiddled in your pocket, trying to dig out your phone. You had shoved it there earlier when you had left work, on your way out in a rush, trying to leave before any more was put on you. That is, on top of what had already been dumped on you today, forcing you into overtime when you really just wanted to go home. You really didn’t want to be heading home any later than right now, with all of the creeps coming out soon to prey on young highschoolers hanging out in the city after classes, or single women like yourself getting off of work late. The time was already squarely at sundown, which meant you were making it out just in time.

The sun was setting to the left of the platform already, the golden haze casting an orange glow over everything it touched. It was a nice change, you admitted to yourself. Usually when you were leaving, the sky was still a misty shade of blue, the evening only just barely peppering the surroundings with its presence. The platform was also so much busier at that time, with crowds of people trying to shove themselves onto the train, filling every gap they could to shave just a few extra minutes off of their travel time rather than wait for one of the other coming trains. Last you had checked, you were one of very few standing on the platform- the only others being a small group of highschoolers chatting with each other a ways down to your right, and an elderly man dozing off on a bench near the stairs, leaning against his cane as he snored quietly. He didn’t seem like he was waiting for a train though, there being benches much closer to the boarding area that he wasn’t anywhere near, so you had decided to leave him be after you had noticed him initially. 

I’ll leave the waking him up to whoever he’s waiting on. You muse to yourself as you pull your phone from your pocket, unlocking it and giving your missed notifications a scroll. 

There were a few texts from Tara, asking about this coming weekend. She hadn’t sent too many, having seen the pile of work still sitting on your desk by the time of her own clocking out. You felt bad. You were working the next weekend, again, and you felt bad turning her down so often. You didn’t want her to feel as if you were avoiding her, or that you didn’t want to continue being friends, but you were just… busy. You sighed to yourself, deciding to shoot her a call later on tonight. You figured it would be easier to avoid her taking anything to heart if you spoke to her directly. 

You thumbed over the rest of your notifications, swiping away most. A few advertisements, some updates from your mobile games, some social media follows and suggestions, an email or two- nothing particularly eventful. It was almost like magic, though, as you were mulling over one of the emails you had gotten, a name with a heart next to it popped into your dropdown menu. Instinctively, you clicked it without even pausing to read the sample text. 

You couldn’t help it, as the messenger loaded. It was automatic at this point. Or at least, it felt automat-

“Oh hey! I know you-!”

Your head snapped up from your phone at the sound of a familiar voice, the hairs on the back of your neck standing boldly, a scatter of goosebumps forming across your skin. The elderly man hadn’t woken up, no one had come to meet him yet either. The highschoolers were still deep in conversation at the other end of the platform. None of them had spoken to you, and none of them had seemed anywhere near as recognizable as that voice was. 

You glanced over to your left, where your eyes fell on a man who was waving, his hand comically high in the air, as he quickly made his way directly towards you. 

Your feet turned to stone. 

The breath in your throat hitched, and you didn’t even realize you weren’t breathing anymore. 

Why?

Why was he here?

Why was he in front of you?

Why was he approaching you?

How had he found you?

Why was he-

He had closed the distance between you before you had even processed him approaching you fully, you freezing up making it easy for him to pull you into a hug that made you feel like a thousand ants were crawling across your skin. Your shock and disbelief had taken over, overriding any thought in your mind that was telling you to run . You weren’t even sure you would have been able to listen to it even if your feet weren’t frozen. The pounding of your heart had become loud enough to drown out any coherent thought you could have come up with.

He squeezed you, and you wanted to slip down into the ground so desperately. 

You were in danger. You were in danger. You were in danger. 

You were a Hunter, you were proficient in hand to hand combat, a decent marksman, and pretty good swordsman. You’d killed countless Wanderers, and come and gone from the N109 zone with barely a scratch on you after your countless visits. You were fully capable of protecting yourself from anyone and anything, and if you didn’t seem like you could, you would manage. 

But you couldn’t protect yourself from him. 

You couldn’t take back what he had taken from you. You couldn’t stop as your mind was slowly regressing backwards, back to where it had been.

Back to the memories. 

He pulled away, but the respite was shorter than a breath, as the train approached the platform. It felt like time was moving in slow motion. His smile, the people deboarding, the lack of people entering the car that he was pulling you into- Something about going the same way? - his hand gripping the upper part of your arm. But it wasn’t gentle. It never was. It never was. It never was. 

“What have you been up to? Is that a name card from the Hunter’s Association?” He asked, his tone cheerful as you felt your heart dropping through the very rails the train was sitting on. He sounded so friendly, but you knew he wasn’t being friendly. He wasn’t asking you a question, he was making a statement. 

He was saying ‘ I found you~ ♪ ’.

“I-...” You take a small gasp of air, finally processing how little you had been breathing up until the point. He flashed you a little smirk, his hair falling across his eye as he tilted his head at you. Had his hair always looked like that? You didn’t know. You didn’t care. You couldn’t-... remember. 

God, you couldn’t remember a lot of back then. 

It was horrible.

It was scary.

Why was he still gripping your arm…?

It hurt. 

It made other spots hurt, echoing with pain you had forgotten- no, not forgotten about. Pushed away. Tried to not remember. But still, ghost feelings that would sneak into your mind whenever something made you flinch, whenever someone tried to give you an over-enthusiastic high five, whenever you were trying to please yourself alone in bed, whenever someone raised their voice- be it out of happiness or anger, it really didn’t matter. The anxiety would pound into your chest like breaking a door down, like breaking you down until you were tiny little pieces strewn out across the floor, sobbing alone to yourself because no one else could help you. You were alone. This was your cross to bear. You had gotten yourself into this mess, it was up to you to get through this. It was up to you to get yourself out of this. 

“Wipe that shitty fucking expression off your face, you’re making people think I’m doing something wrong.” 

His voice was dangerously low, and sinisterly similar to how he used to speak to you. It was nice to see that nothing had changed, so much longer later. That the same circumstances that led to the bloodied sheets strewn out across the bed and floor were happening again. That the same knuckles that had made forceful contact with the high of your cheekbone were gripping so tightly, they were turning white across the top of your upper arm. You pressed your lips into a thin line, trying to appear as neutral as possible, as the only other patron in the train car with the two of you- tucked back in the corner but raising an eyebrow at the situation, nonetheless- watched. 

He gave you a small shake, and you let the corners of your mouth turn upward in a smile that didn’t reach your eyes. You were just two old flames meeting again, goofing around. Reignited that old flame once more. 

But to you, that flame was a bomb. And it was going to go off the second you were alone with him. 

There hadn’t been any closure when you had left, there couldn’t have been. You could have left with bags secretly packed without so much as a goodbye thrown into his messages while he was at work, or you could have spent three hours talking to him trying to get through to him one final time. But it wouldn’t have mattered. Men like him, were men like him for a reason. They didn’t change, they didn’t find what they were doing as something wrong , and they never would. At least, that’s what everyone had told you. That’s what you had learned at the end. But standing here as the train rocketed towards another new location for him to find out about, you were finding it harder and harder to remember everything you had taught yourself just to get away from him. 

“Are you going to be ungrateful again? Going to run away because you think for some reason you can get better, despite being some fucking whore who runs her mouth? With a bodycount?” He practically spat the words at your face, turning to face you and keeping his back towards the other patron, who had closed their eyes with their head resting back against the seat, waiting for their stop and avoiding getting involved. 

“After everything I’ve done for you, you can’t offer me even the littlest bit of appreciation that you didn’t want to show me back then? I thought you had changed. That you were different.” 

You let out a deep breath, trying to keep your mind steady, but it was hard. You’d gotten used to the word disassociate ever since you’d learned about it. You’d slip into dissociation even on your best days, at random. Talking to Tara, riding your bike, fighting Wanderers, avoiding Luke and Kieran’s pranks- it didn’t matter. It just… happened. And it came on worse when you were reminded of things that had traumatized you. Or were faced with the very things that had caused that trauma- as you were finding out right now. 

He reached up, grabbing your other arm into his other hand, the grip matching the vice-like pressure of the first one that still held you. “You listen to me, you little bitch. I still fucking own you. I don’t give a shit if you’re living in some fantasy land where you think you’re moving on, but you will never find anything as good as me.” He hissed. “Not for what you’re worth. I treated you so well, and you think you can keep treating me and people like shit? Fuck off.” 

He gave your arms a yank to emphasize his words. You just stared straight at his chest, stumbling slightly as the train stopped at the next station, but his grip kept you relatively upright. The time between now and the last stop wasn’t anything you could remember clearly, and you could already feel your mind slipping from your body slowly. You couldn’t stop it. You didn’t want to. It was something you couldn’t explain, but it acted like a muffled fast-forward button on situations like this. You couldn’t say you liked it, but you liked it more than being present for what your ex had to say.

But it was horrible, because no sooner did you start to slip away, did the doors to the train open, and the only bystander that had been seated in the corner left. Whether this was their stop, or they wanted to avoid the situation, you didn’t know. You didn’t care. In your heart though, you knew that was just how it went. You’d be lucky if they called the police, but wouldn’t do anything. There was no proof of anything happening. You didn’t have any. 

You knew he was right.

But then why did it feel like electricity when someone boarded the train? You knew the footsteps without being able to place a name, and the sheer presence was something you sensed without knowing what form it took. 

“Cobalt blue, but maybe phthalo… Oh, Miss Bodyguard. Didn’t think I’d see you tod- Mm?” 

Your heart dropped further than it had at the station when you had first gotten approached.  

No.

Why was Rafayel here?

His comment was cut short, ending in a small hum as he came into your view. You could see a cloud cross his expression as he took in the situation in front of him. You were still doing your best to seem relaxed, and had tried to add a smile as soon as you had realized Rafayel was here, but it didn’t seem like it was working. You wanted so badly to be sick to your stomach, but you also knew if you were, it would only make your ex lose his mind completely. 

“H-Hey, Rafayel, how are you?”

“Do you know him?”

The question was asked by two separate men at the exact same time. One was nearly whispered, the tone borderline violent. The other was gentle, devoid of its usual bratty aftercomment. You just paused, before nodding your head as slowly as you could. 

Fuck, it was so easy to keep your ex under control when it was just you. You hadn’t managed him in front of others in forever, and you had forgotten how to make other people let you handle things. Usually it was as simple as a look. No one wanted to get caught up in the middle of a lover’s quarrel, and were quick to leave. But the doors had already closed behind Rafayel, and his expression was telling you that he was already planning on getting more than involved. 

“Yes!- Yes. Yes, I know him…” You stammered, looking between the two of them, your ex robotically releasing his grip in favor of moving to put his arm across your shoulders. You had to swallow the bile in your throat, but you didn’t move away from him, his expression stormy, while Rafayel’s remained concerned, but fairly unaffected. 

“Rafayel’s an… employer of mine.” You continued, gesturing towards him as he gave the two of you a nod, a small smile flashing in addition. “And Rafayel, this is my-” 

“Boyfriend.” 

You swallowed. 

Rafayel’s eyes narrowed, but he kept smiling. 

“That’s really funny, she’s told me she’s single. Several times actually, whenever I've bugged her about it.” 

You can feel the blood in your veins freeze over. 

No.

You can’t even bring yourself to look up at your ex. You knew what disagreeing with him did, and you knew what blatantly calling out his lies did. You’d experienced the consequences of doing either towards the earlier days of your relationship, before you had learned to follow everything he said. To do everything how he said it. 

And yet it was still not enough, most of the time. 

Rafayel smirked coldly. 

“So, buddy. Do you want to take your hands off of her?” He tilted his head slightly. “Or do I really need to help you?”

The arm across your shoulders felt heavier, until you could feel the pressure disappear. You want to breathe a sigh of relief, but the air gets caught in your lungs as a hand comes down between your shoulder blades at the top of your spine. You’re lurched forward, and Rafayel catches you as you stumble into his chest. “I don’t deal in bitches that can’t treat people with respect or kindness. You can have her.” Your ex spat, knowing that for whatever reason, this man before him wasn't going to fall for his usual tricks. Tricks? No, you thought as you stumbled. He thinks everything out of his own mouth is true, and anyone who disagrees is insane. 

You hadn’t even pulled back away from Rafayel before he had moved you quickly, but gently and carefully to the side, stepping forward as your stomach turned over. You spun around to grab at him, only succeeding in latching onto his arm. 

“Rafayel, stop. You’ll only make things worse.” You stammered as you gripped his arm. He pulled away quickly- but gently, despite his anger. 

“Worse how? Geez, you don’t know this man anymore. You shouldn’t be bothered by strangers on a train platform, and they should know not to approach single women.” 

He emphasized, staring straight at the other man as he did. As if warning him, with his usual snark still backing up his comments. Your ex glared at him. “I don’t know what you’re trying to imply, but I’ll bet you I’ve known her longer than you have. I know all her tricks.” 

“Time is relative.” Rafayel retorted back, taking another step towards him, which your ex matched. Your anxiety was pounding through the roof, and you were desperate to think of anything that could diffuse the situation as they both shot daggers at each other with their eyes. Your ex let out a small chuckle, the kind he would whenever things were about to hurt. The air was leaving your lungs again, but you felt Rafayel shift next to you, and you could feel the predatory behavior like static crossing the side of his arm through the thin linen of his shirt. He had moved, shifted just a step towards your ex, and spoke before you could process what he was doing.

“I’ve done this dance a million times with a million people like you, for less, don’t try me.” Rafayel’s voice was so low, it could barely be described as more than a whisper. It sent a surge of ice through your blood, despite it not being directed towards you. You slowly turned your head, raising it to look at him carefully. You could only see the side of his head, his height also blocking his full expression from you, but you could see just enough of his eyes to feel the cruelty in his gaze.

He wasn’t joking. 

This wasn’t like him.

What was going on?

You reached out to brush against his arm again, but you didn’t know what to do. 

The train lurched as Rafayel reached forward, towards your ex.  

No.

You couldn’t let this happen.

Not here. 

Not towards him.

Not from him .

Your body moved on its own, as you turned your body, the same time the train started to hit its brakes for the next stop. You lost your footing, but you couldn’t let that stop you. You couldn’t let that stop you from stopping Rafayel. The worst of it was the only thing stopping you from falling was the weight of your ex’s torso, the feeling of chills returning the second your body made contact with his again. 

“I-I-” You stuttered, your mouth feeling like it was full of cotton as you stumbled backward into your ex’s body. “No, please. I don’t- no.” 

Rafayel stared at you, his expression blank, before flashing through several different emotions you couldn’t quite make out. Surprise? Absolute fury? Betrayal? Whatever he cycled through, he landed on one you didn’t recognize.

You are now at East Garden station. Next station- West Garden. 

The doors slid open behind you, and a few people filed on as you broke your gaze with Rafayel and glanced over at them. At least there were witnesses. You knew your ex wouldn’t act out too badly in front of so many strangers, and Rafayel, while a little bit feral when it came to columnists and fans that would go too far, you had a pretty good idea that he would remain a lot more calm in the presence of people as well. You let out the breath you had been holding unwittingly. 

“Go.” 

He gave you a slight shove, and you almost tripped onto the platform. As you regained your balance, you processed two things at the same time. 

Rafayel wasn’t behind you. And- 

You could hear him still, his words seething with a poison you had never heard come from his mouth, from any action he had ever committed. 

“If I ever see you in her general vicinity ever again, I will destroy you until there is nothing, nothing , left.” He seethed. “I care about her. Whatever we are after that doesn’t matter. You won’t come back and destroy her peace ever again. You won’t have the chance to. Do I make myself clear ?” 

As you move to turn, to see what would happen next or to hear your ex’s response, you spin face first into Rafayel’s chest, his hands reaching up, placed firmly on your shoulders to turn you back around and continue forward. You try to keep up with his pace, but it’s hard. Despite your stumbling, he doesn’t stop. Not until the two of you are off of the platform and out on the vast sidewalk in the middle of the city. 

You blink, trying to garner your surroundings as some means of grounding yourself, as Rafayel pulls out his phone. His fingers fly, sending a text to someone. The golden hour had passed, and it was twilight out now. The next train wasn’t going to be for another twenty minutes, and the ride itself was more time on top of that. It looked like you weren’t going to be accomplishing your initial goal of getting home before the dark hit. That was too bad. 

It was really cold outside.

Maybe that was just you. 

You swallowed hard, trying to force a deep breath just as Rafayel looked up from his phone. He pocketed the device and moved to step towards you, but his movements were… awkward. Hesitant. He paused a step away from you, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. 

“I… I’m sorry. I-” He let his hand drop, both hanging loosely at his sides as he looked like he wanted to look anywhere except at you. He didn’t let it break his gaze, despite it. “...Geez, I’ve never experienced anything like that before. I didn’t know what to do, what I should do. What I-”

He stopped himself. Tilting his head, his expression shifting into one of concern. 

“More importantly, how are you?”

“I- what?”

“How are you feeling, seashell? What do you need?”

You blinked, and you tried to open your mouth to respond, but your breath hitched in your throat, the sound caught on the lump that had appeared in your throat as your eyes began to burn. Fuck, what? What was going on with you today? First, you’d gone back to everything you had ever been back with your ex, forgetting all of your progress- all of your healthy habits in favor of how he had always made you feel under his touch. Then, you’d been unable to keep Rafayel calm and relaxed despite your ex trying to start shit all over again. And even still, you hadn’t even gotten to go home on time, hell you didn’t even feel safe enough to go home anymore. 

“He-” You choked. Your voice was squeaking, why was your voice breaking so badly? “H-He… He knows- knows where I work now.”

Rafayel stared at you, but his expression was oh so gentle , and seeing that look in his eyes did something to you that made you feel so ugly . It was like the final crack in an old dam as you began to wail. You tried to muffle your sobs, reaching up to cover your face in your hands as the initial shock had finally started to wear away from the meeting, finally started to let the emotions pour in. And all the emotions were fear, fear, fear . 

You couldn’t do anything to stop it as the tears just kept coming, as the choked sounds from your throat as you needed to get the crying out, but find air in between at the same time. Your shoulders wracked with pain from the after effects of the grip your ex had had on you, surely purple and yellow bruises forming where his knuckles had turned white with power just moments ago. It was just going to be another grim reminder of your world coming down, all because of a stupid train ride. 

“Seashell.”

You tried as hard as possible to quiet down, to stop and listen to Rafayel to avoid making him angry. You felt like a kid. You wanted him to help you get to your home, or a hotel, or somewhere your ex didn’t know about. But if he was angry, that would be impossible. That would mean you would be left standing here on the sidewalk bawling like a child, until you managed to pull the effort together to handle it yourself, like you always had don-

“Tell me if you don’t like it, and I swear I’ll stop, but I’m going to hug you now.”

“Wh-”

The word had barely even formed in your mouth, your hands only managing to hover over your eyes as you tried to pull them away at his words, before strong arms had wrapped around you so suddenly. One hand was resting at the nape of your neck, pressing your head so delicately against his shoulder as he leaned down for you- as he leaned down into you. The other was wrapped around your waist, squeezing you against his body like it was everything to him just to have the chance to pull your pieces back together. And somehow, it was so much worse. It was everything, as you began to wail all over again. It was everything and so much more. His actions on the train, his expression when you had stopped him and protected your ex- none of that, none of your worries meant anything in the tightness of his embrace. 

It was like he was telling you everything without speaking, he was telling you it’s okay, it’s all going to be okay . Like he didn’t harbor any ill feelings towards you, that he didn’t hate you like you were hating yourself every single second leading up until this moment. And coming from Rafayel, that was everything, everything, everything. 

“Geez.” He breathed against your hair, his breath labored as he tried to keep his own emotions in check for your sake. “I wish I had found you so much sooner. None of that would have ever happened to you.”

And you knew he wasn’t talking about the train- getting on sooner. Finding you before your ex did, but you didn’t say anything. You couldn’t. But you knew he meant he wished he had found you so much sooner than that first meeting at the fountain with all of the fish, his brochure hanging lazily in hand. Found you long before that man had ever laid his hands on you, had ever wrecked you to the point you were at now. 

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” He breathed the words against you, his hold tightening just slightly. “What are you apologizing for?”

“I-” You held back a sob, trying to compose yourself as best as you could. “I’m so ruined, I’m so sorry I’m such a mess.” 

“You’re not a mess, I promise you, you’re not a mess.” And the way he spoke, you almost believed it immediately. He sounded… tired. “None of it, not any of it, was your fault. You have to know that.” 

You didn’t. You wouldn’t, not for a long time. But the way he had been on the train, no matter how brief of a moment it was- how he was right now, clutching you so tightly in his arms as if you would shatter if he let go for even a second- You had a pretty good feeling that you would someday. Someday, as long as he was around. But for now you settled for feeling everything you were feeling in his embrace, just thankful that for whatever his reasoning, he didn’t hate you for what you had done, for what you felt. 

After a while, you nuzzled your face against the crook of his neck, before gently trying to pull back, signaling to him that you were alright enough to break the hug. He let go of you, but his hands lingered on you just a moment longer than they should have. You stared at the ground as you fiddled with your hands, trying to figure out what was supposed to come next. What you were supposed to do or say next. 

“What do you mean, you didn’t know what you were supposed to do?” You asked quietly. You already knew the answer. Honestly, how often was it that someone would witness what he did happening to someone close to themselves, especially when the person it was happening to was supposedly so strong? So capable of protecting yourself from even the worst of the Wanderers that traversed the city? 

He let out a breath, thinking for a moment, before he opened his mouth to answer your question. 

“Really, the only thing I know is to make sure you’re safe.” He shrugged, crossing his arms as he avoided your gaze. “If I wasn’t confident I’d be able to protect you from the whole thing, and even afterward, with whatever crazy he may try to do, I would have played along with you and not been so aggressive. But besides that, I really don’t know how someone is supposed to handle a situation like that.” 

You blinked. 

“What?”

“What-what? I don’t exactly want you getting hurt, I just wasn’t sure the best way to accomplish that. I wasn’t going to fail, though. I’m not some idiot.” 

You could feel your eyes starting to burn. “Yes, but you wanted to protect me?”

He looked at you abruptly, confused. “Wanted? Bodyguard, it’s not past tense. I don’t care what I call you, pay you for, what we are to each other- Believe it or not, I... don’t want you hurt.”

He flinched a little, watching the tears start to stream from your eyes again, but he just shook his head. “No, no. Geez, what are you doing?” He uncrossed his arms and reached out towards you slowly, gingerly brushing your cheek with his thumb. “No, why is this your reaction? Why are you crying over me caring about you?”

He knew why. He had just seen why. And that was just the tip of the iceberg on what your past had been.

“But-”

“I really don't want to hear it. It’s just going to be you saying bad things about yourself again.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose, and you couldn’t think of any denial or lie that he would believe. “You really need to learn to trust me, seashell. If you don’t want to go home or to work, I get it. But you’ve got to believe me when I say it. When I say nothing is going to happen to you.”

You reached up to dry your eyes again, all but running out of tears by now after the heavy cry session you had just had wrapped up in Rafayel’s arms. You let out a small hiccup, before offering him a small nod. It didn’t really matter if you believed him, but honestly- it was so much better than anything before. So much more comforting than any of the times before. Any of the times where you sat in your bedroom alone, praying that you could get one more extra day squeezed out of the week, out of going back to the university, to avoid seeing the man who had ruined your entire life as he ‘explored’ the ‘public’ campus like some sort of shark circling your bleeding body. 

Rafayel watched you as you slowly composed yourself, reaching out a hand to rest on your shoulder, tenderly. His kindness radiating from the contact. “Now, is it okay if we go somewhere? I think it would be better for you if you could go somewhere you can relax for a little while. I invited you to my studio, maybe we can go there.”

You blinked at him. When had he invited you?

He watched your expression, processing that you were confused on the ask. “Did you get the text I sent you? Or were you already in trouble then?”

“Text-” You pause, then you remember the notification that had popped up just before your ex had seen you. You shook your head. “It had just come through as he-... approached… me. I didn’t see what it said.”

He flashed you a small smile, one that would win every prize in your book. 

“It was asking you if you were already off work, and if not, would you want to meet me at the station, so that we could head to my studio and finish up some work I need to get done.” 

You stared at him for a moment, your mouth slightly agape, before you smiled back at him. It was timid, and you were still nervous. But with his hand against your shoulder as the two of you walked through the edges of Linkon City back towards one of his studios, you couldn’t help but feel just a little bit better. 

Just a little bit more at ease. 

—

And a week later, you were back at work. You had been for the last few days. You’d gone on a few missions, taken down a dozen Wanderers, and saved a few civilians in that time. But nowhere had you seen your ex- not on a street corner, not running down an alleyway, not even at the doorstep of the Hunter’s Association. 

But you’d seen Rafayel. 

One day he was sitting at the cafe across the street from the Association’s building, sketching charcoal as he invited you to come and get something to eat for lunch, to sit with him and talk about your day. Another, he was there when you got off, a light drizzle sprinkling the street as he offered to share his umbrella with you and walk you home. On your day off, he ended up at your door, huffing about his next exhibition, and whether or not you wanted to come with him to stave off the boredom he was surely going to be drowning in. You weren’t stupid, you knew what he was doing. But there was also no pattern to his appearances- sometimes you wouldn’t see him all day, only speaking to him through incessant texts and phone calls. Other times, you’d see him two or three or more times throughout your day. Something about the chaotic approach made you feel even more… comfortable. Despite everything that had happened. It felt like he was always around, even when you didn’t expect it. 

It felt like he was always keeping watch for you. 

And maybe you still hadn’t gotten over what had happened on the platform, and you still felt uneasy stepping on the train, arm hooked in Rafayel’s as he complained about not being able to find the green he needed to finish a piece. Maybe you still felt worthless, for still caring about what happened to that wretched man, after everything he had done to you, after all of the pain he had caused you. 

But at least, as you stared up at the splashes of color that coated the canvas in front of you, late after work the evening before your day off, sitting in Rafayel’s studio as he dozed off over a few cups of color he had been working on while you scrolled through your phone, you had someone. 

At least you had someone who was intent on changing everything for you. 

Who was intent on making sure you were okay. No matter what.

[spnscripthunt-inactive]

WHAT IS #SCULLYCOFFEE4NF?

In the summer of 2016, I noticed that coffee shop baristas yelling out names reminded me of Mulder yelling out “Scullaaay!” on my favorite show, The X-Files. So I gave my name as Scully for a laugh, shared the picture with some other fans, and encouraged them to try it, too. I even promised to donate a dollar to the Neurofibromatosis Network for everyone who did it. I didn’t raise a whole lot of money, but the idea to have a #ScullyCoffee4NF day on Scully's birthday was born.

Gillian Anderson rose to fame on The X-Files playing Special Agent Dana Scully. She continues to delight her fans with memorable roles in The Fall, Sex Education and The Crown just to name a few. Ms. Anderson has also been a longtime supporter of the NF Network. As fans of Gillian, we thought this would be a fun way to support the work of the NF Network & celebrate her iconic character’s birthday.

Since 2017, X-Files fans have donated over $13,000 to the NF Network on #ScullyCoffee4NF day. Thank you to everyone who has donated in the past, thank you Gillian Anderson for inspiring generosity in your fans, and HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY SCULLAAAAY!

HOW TO PARTICIPATE ON FEBRUARY 23RD:

1. Use the name “Scully” at your favorite coffee shop, or just take a creative coffee picture from home. We love the fun pictures, but we want you all to be safe this year, too!

2. Take a picture or video and share it on Facebook, X or Instagram and tag it #ScullyCoffee4NF.

3. Make a donation to the NF Network in honor of ScullyCoffee4NF day. Be sure to select ScullyCoffee4NF from the dropdown menu under ‘contributing towards.’  Every $10 donated gets you a chance in our donor prize drawing - prizes pictured below. So $20=2 chances to win, $30=3 chances to win, etc. Only one prize per person.

If you can’t get to a coffee shop or you don’t drink coffee, no problem - be creative!  The important part is to make the donation at the NF Network, you’ll still be entered in the drawing-the coffee pictures are just for fun!

2024 DONOR PRIZES

Open to everyone, as long as your mailing address is located on planet Earth!

—

Donor Prize #2 - Donated by SPN Script Hunt (hey, that's us!)

Unproduced script from The X-Files Season 10, from the collection of Chris Carter.

—

This fundraiser is why I got a group together to buy this script, let's kick it in the ass! - @lets-steal-an-archive

Update 02/27/2024

[salemsimsrender]

Beginner Blender Tutorial Basic Render: Part One (Importing a Sim and Adjusting Textures)

To learn the basics, we'll begin with a super simple render: one sim, one pose, one background.

But first, the anatomy of blender.

(image & list courtesy of Blender's online manual)

Yellow - 3D viewport (workspace) The 3D Viewport is used to interact with the 3D scene for a variety of purposes, such as modeling, animating, texture painting, etc.

Green - Outliner The Outliner is a list that organizes data in the blend-file, i.e. the scene data, Video Sequencer data, or anything that gets stored in a blend-file.

Blue - Properties The Properties shows and allows editing of many active data, including the active scene and object.

Red - Timeline The Timeline editor, identified by a clock icon, is used for manipulating keyframes and scrubbing the Playhead.

The tools I use most I've highlighted below:

I won't outline their uses just now, but we'll be going over them as we use them.

Different creators like to split their blender window up in different ways, but this is my preferred setup when I'm working:

I use the yellow half of the screen as a render preview/3D workspace

I use the blue half for shader editing, posing, etc.

You can set yours up like mine or find what's comfortable for you.

When you first open blender, you'll be greeted by the default cube, lamp, and camera.

Delete them! You can do this two ways:

Click and drag your mouse over all 3 and delete or Select all 3 in the side menu and hit x on your keyboard

Step 1: Importing our Sim

After deleting the default items, we'll import our sim. This tutorial assumes you've already ripped your sim (if you haven't, check here for how to do so!)

Now, let's import.

Click file -> import -> collada (dae) Select your DAE and click "import"

Your sim will look a little... off (thick eyelashes and a weird shine), but that's okay we're going to fix it! Your sim might also look solid white. If that's the case, make sure you're in the right mode. You can adjust modes by clicking on one of the four circles in the top right of the screen.

These are your viewport modes.

Wireframe (far left) - good for mesh editing Solid (middle left) - good for posing Material Preview (middle right) - what we work in most, shows everything with textures (color) Rendered (far right) - this shows your render preview We'll be working mostly in Material Preview

You can also switch between modes by hitting z on your keyboard then selecting which one you want I'll be using mostly keyboard shortcuts but I'll show you how to do both as we go along

Step 2: Adjusting Our Sim's Textures

Let's fix our sim's textures.

First. set up your workspace. Separate your workspace into two windows (as shown in the picture above with a yellow half and a blue half) and select "shader editor" in your right-side window. Like this:

Next, navigate to your Outliner and click the little dropdown beside "rig"

Under "rig" you'll see your sim's body parts listed. We're going to select "Body" When we click "Body", these colored blocks will appear in our shader editor window.

These are called Nodes. We use Nodes to adjust textures for various items in blender (sims, walls, furniture, etc). To add a new Node, you can select "add" in the top bar, or hit Shift+A on your keyboard and add in the node you need.

We're going to add in a Mix Shader and a Transparent Shader (both found under the Shader tab) and adjust our nodes this way:

Snug the Mix Shader between the Principled BSDF and the Material Output. Now we have to connect our Nodes and adjust our Principled BSDF. For the sake of this tutorial, I'll show the basic Node & Shader adjustments, but we'll go into each of them in a later tutorial.

Adjust your Principled BSDF like this, then connect your Node lines exactly like this:

You'll see that our SIm's body looks a bit different from her head, hair and shoes. That's good! Now we need to duplicate that texture to the rest of our sim.

Navigate to your Outliner again, and use Shift+Click to select the rest of the body parts in the list Don't select pose or rig.001 and make sure the Body is selected first EDIT: You'll only see "body" if your sim has a full body outfit on! If they have a shirt and pants, you'll have "Bottom" and "Top" instead! In this case, select "bottom"!

Now, hover your cursor over your sim/the 3D viewport window, and press Ctrl+L on your keyboard. This brings up the Link/Transfer data window. Select "Link Materials"

Our sim is looking better, but her eyelashes are still dark, let's fix that now.

In your Properties area, navigate to Material Properties (the little red ball)

Change your Blend Mode to Alpha Hashed We will always set Blend Mode to Alpha Hashed

Now our sim looks right!

In Part Two, we'll pose her, set up the scene, and run the render!

[bladeweaver-if]

Devlog (28/01/24)

I took a few days' break after this update, though I've been bugfixing when they come up.

(Spoilers for Chapter 2) Right now I've been writing a scene between Callen and Sonia where the details change depending on who had a mishap down on the surface, so there's going to be extra details in your gameplay such as Callen adjusting his bandage or Sonia being angsty about her unwanted haircut, depending on who went down there.

There's also going to be the opportunity to pick your MC's favourite colour coming up. There are... a lot of options, so I've opted to just make this a dropdown menu by default, regardless of the choice you made at the start of the game to choose cycling links or dropdowns.

All in all, I've written about 2k-ish words today, maybe a liiittle more.

Bye!

[annellspethraven]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Sloan Spencer (@sloan_spencer_author)

It all started here. I woke up and looked at 'my' Discord server for the bloated tic of a fanfic (hey that rhymes, neurospicy two seconds!) I write with my partner SonaBeanSidhe, Aran Thranduil's Dining Hall. There hadn't been enough tea yet so the natural response was 'wth is this?' Well, THIS was going to Hoover my next two days and counting. Just visit the post, dear friends of the writing persuasion and you would see (I'll save you time because I'm nice this way) that there are many screenshots supporting just what the meme says: This Instagram OP knows a writer who found herself in a steaming pile of mess with the Google Docs TOS (which is really also the Google Drive TOS, making it somewhat difficult to locate said TOS. I'll save you more time. Here:

This information comes from https://support.google.com/docs/answer/148505#zippy=%2Csexually-explicit-material So, it was the act of sharing the files, not having created or stored them that triggered what had happened. Okay, still not reassuring. In the meantime, I was concerned enough to post what had happened to r/FanFiction. Within minutes, my post had been frozen by the mods there. I can see their concern. I believe they had only seen the meme-like first screen of the Instagram post, and it does come off like a bad Snopes Fail. They asked me for more proof. The first thing I did was a search for previous instances of Google having frozen Drive accounts previously. They are limited, but they exist. The concern here had to do with the current lack of information as to why the action happened, and whether we who collectively authored and had shared Docs with explicit content were about to have our Drive accounts fall before the scythe of an overzealous AI rollout on the part of Google. Which led to the second part of this. My first response to the mods was as follows:

A little while after I sent this, an update appeared on the Instagram OP's account (easy to find) so I added this:

The salient point of the update was that the author had received restored access to her Drive, but NOT the Doc that had started the entire difficulty. I waited for a response. And waited, and waited. In the meantime, I had no means to add to, respond to, anything to my original post or defend myself against some fairly sharp initial criticisms leveled against me by individuals who clearly hadn't read anything beyond the initial meme. Special. While I understand a sub this large likely has a lot of messages to field, I also felt that given they managed to freeze my post in a matter of minutes, they were really taking their time responding. So I weighed in on Instagram with a message of support. If nothing else is taken away, please take this: Back up your files. It's easy to create an alt Google account; this other account will have its own Drive storage. Share your folders and files with yourself. If you don't already realize, in Docs under the File dropdown menu the third option is Make A Copy. If you have shared the original document 75 times, you won't have shared that copy at all. Consider backing up your works to Indie platforms like Get Hermit, Ellipsus and The Quill. There may be others. Your own external hard drive is also a very good idea. But wait, you ask. What about just using MS Word, or having copies as a PDF file in the Adobe cloud? Not so fast, my friend. Look at Microsoft and Adobe's TOS regarding sexually explicit content...you'll get an unpleasant surprise. I did. In the meantime, a third update came from the OP on Instagram shedding far more light as to what had likely gone wrong. She had shared the Doc with she guessed 18-20 people as beta readers. The belief is now that one of these persons actually turned her in to Google via their abuse form. To quote one of the commenters on that update: "I heard from an agent that Google will only do this to your account if someone reports it. Google isn’t scanning docs for explicit content (except maybe images), but yeah, for this to happen, someone had to report her document to Google." This felt like a relief...and yet is still packaged inside a cautionary tale. How many of us have shared by 'whoever has this link'? I have, or rather, I had. I revoked all such permissions to all large stories and folders in favor of my few trusted long-time friends and beta readers. The works are on AO3. I don't need those Docs links to be free floating all over the place, not after seeing what can happen. I was on vacation in England some years prior when I realized I had lost the ability to send out all outgoing Gmail. It took me several days to figure out what had gone wrong and nearly lost me my ability to receive Covid test results at a time when that was a travel necessity...almost disastrous. Fortunately I had multiple email accounts and could work around the problem. Which brings me to the last of this.

While including the subreddit mod's responses here may seem retaliatory/petulant on my part...I'm at best miffed at their shortsightedness, maybe mildly insulted, mostly shaking my head at the fact that there is something to have been learned here that could have affected any one of us. No one was spreading misinformation. Something had indeed happened. The source of it had been unknown at the time of posting. Had they left my post alone I would have gladly redacted as it unfolded; the reason for placing it on that sub was not to create a giant stir but to let others know of the risk of this happening at all and to encourage backing up that which most writers invest a considerable amount of their emotional well-being; the safety of their written works. Yes, I'm neurodivergent. No, I don't always see the world as others do. No, I still don't think this difference allows the response to be interpreted as much other than a slight and working against the interests of authors (I'm on their side and last I checked, readers need the authors to have the things that are written in order to have the things to read. Just saying). Whatever, what really matters is, if you feel this is worth sharing, share, take away the important bits, and if someone out there just wants to write it up in 3 sentences so it isn't a tl;dr, do that too.

Have a Googly day, to all near and far, in these times in which we live...>.>

[albywritesfiction]

Hi Alby, I loved the update & can’t wait to see where your story goes! 💖 I saw you mentioned wanting feedback, so would it be possible to streamline the character creator? I found the number of options overwhelming, and I didn’t know what a lot of them were (like cardinal, goldenrod, cordovan, bole) or the differences between some of the options. I don’t know if this would be too complicated to code, but is there a way to just give basic options at first (i.e. eyes: brown, black, green, blue, grey) and then when you’ve picked it will open a menu to specify further (i.e. green eyes: jade, emerald, sea green)? Basically a way so you’re not presented with every colour variation off the bat?

Also for the first page (gender options), could there be a quick way to choose an overall default for everything (i.e. female + she/her + set all titles to feminine), alongside the more granular current approach where each one is chosen separately. I’m guessing most players would probably choose one of the defaults anyway and would want to get into your awesome story as soon as possible.

Thank you for the suggestions! I have an idea for how to implement your suggestion for the eye colors so the first thing you'll is a list that says "shades of red", "shades of orange", "shades of yellow", "shades of green", "shades of blue", "shades of violet", "shades of brown", "shades of black", so I can definitely do that! I'll see if I can also implement a hover effect that can show the html color codes for each color so it would be easier to envision the base color? for the complexion, i'll probably do the same and group them as "dark", "medium", and "light". For the gender options, I'll have to get back to you on that cause I'll need to figure it out first 😅

UPDATE: I've implemented dropdown things for the eye colors and complexions and added some images as well for the color palettes of each group of shades to help with visualizing the different colors! As for the gender options, I've decided not to implement an option for defaults since the time it would save wouldn't really be that significant.

[dedalvs]

This month's Fiat Lingua is an incredible new resource for conlang documentation and creation by Jessie Sams.

First, GramBank is a new online resource that is somewhat similar to WALS, but even more useful. GramBank features around 200 mostly yes/no questions about morphosyntax (e.g. "Is there a distinction between inclusive and exclusive?"), and culls data from grammatical descriptions of more than 2,000 languages. By way of comparison, a similar entry in WALS has data from 200 languages. This is a great place to go if you're wondering what kind of variety there is for a particular area of morphosyntax, and also if you want to see how common a particular strategy is.

Second, the Fiat Lingua article itself (linked to above) has two parts. First, it's a description of how to use GramBank to document/share a conlang by Jessie Sams, and then there's an example Jessie created via a spreadsheet of GramBank features she created using one of her conlangs.

If you go to the .pdf, you'll see in the latter description that there are links that don't work, because links don't export from Google spreadsheets to .pdf. In fact, the ideal way to share this information is via a link, and that's the last thing I wanted to share.

Jessie created a thorough spreadsheet on Google that lists every GramBank feature, along with a link to its description, and a dropdown menu for each feature, along with a column to provide a description of each feature. The sheet is read-only, so what you do is copy the sheet to your own Google Drive, and then you can fill it out for whatever conlang you're working on, and share that (ideally as a read-only spreadsheet) as a way of showcasing your conlang. There's a second tab that describes how to use the sheet. The ideal here is a sheet like this can be kind of a shortcut when someone asks, "What's your conlang like?" You can link the sheet and get a ton of information about the language in bullet-point form.

Again, the blank spreadsheet that you can copy and fill out can be found here.

An example of a filled out spreadsheet, featuring Jessie's conlang Zhwadi, can be found here.

Finally, as with Payne's Describing Morphosyntax, the GramBank list can be an aid to conlang construction, as well, as it serves as a series of probing questions about your conlang's grammar that, depending on where you're at in your creation process, you may not have answered yet—or which you may have actually answered without realizing it, but haven't formalized anywhere.

As always, if you have anything you'd like to share on Fiat Lingua, please feel free to contact me. It just needs to be a .pdf. Right now the queue goes all the way to next year, so there may be some lag before your submission is posted, but it'll get there.

[stabthecode]

So I was looking at internships, went to apply for one and immediately ran into this:

[Image id: Screenshot of a job application window showing the input fields for the Resume/CV, Full Name, Pronouns. All fields are currently blank. Under the Pronouns input field are multiple select boxes next to the following pronouns: He/him, She/her, They/them, Xe/xem, Ze/hir, Ey/em, Hir/hir, Fae/Faer, Hu/hu, Use name only, Custom. Under the list of pronouns the screenshot reads Let the employer know what pronouns you use so they can address you correctly.]

I was honestly surprised. I'm going into the engineering industry and the vast majority of the applications I've put in still have a basic drop down menu for gender with the options "female, male" or if I'm lucky "female, male, choose not to identify". One application I sent in allowed me to write in my gender identity only to later on have to choose from one of those dropdown menus.

It is very difficult to know that while I identify as genderqueer, most of the people that look at me will immediately default to female. It's difficult to know that when I say that my pronouns are they/she, many people will take the easy path out and only use she. It's even more difficult when I am trying to make my way into an industry that clearly doesn't actually see me and recognize that I'm not male or female but something different. It's so much more difficult when I know that so many of the internships I've applied for will end up defaulting to she because I put female because it's the closest damn thing that was offered.

In comparison, I almost want to cry over the basic courtesy of asking for my pronouns at the beginning of a job application form. That it is taken just as seriously as any other piece of information. Like of course you would start off by giving your resume/cv, name and pronouns.

I have a very weird relationship to the concept of "woman" that has only been exacerbated recently due to an assignment that I had to do involving a podcast specifically talking about the data deficit regarding females seen across literally every single aspect of the world. It hasn't been helped any by companies that I supposedly want to work for forcing me into their boxes that don't fit.

It's a breath of fresh air to just be straight up asked for my pronouns off the mark. It gives me some hope that maybe things are moving forward. Slowly, but forward nonetheless.

[tatsuminui]

feelings over woedraws art (<- minors dni w their twt)

[ id: a digital drawing of a crying girl in a seifuku. she's in a thought bubble on a backdrop of enlarged flower doodles. she is being patted and surrounded by hand cursors and arrow cursors. several drawn UI elements are laid overtop the draw: there's a camera recording UI, hover text reading 'Windows logo + shift + S' (the shortcut for taking a screenshot), and a right-click drop down menu featuring options for opening an image, saving it, and copying it. there's an arrow cursor over the dropdown menu's option for 'Save image as...' end id ]

[ id: a reaction image of a conversation between jerry and george from seinfield with the text edited.

jerry says, "You're crying from a nonexistent girl resigned to her fictitious nature?"

george says, "The love found in creation bound for oblivion, art that will be forgotten, that which will one day be past recollection got to me.

jerry says, "All right."

end id ]

[gayfranzkafka]

The Atlantic fucking published what is essentially a pro-conversion-therapy argument in their "Up For Debate" column today. I just wrote a letter to the editor, but if anyone wants to join me in that, that would be great. I'm copy + pasting the full text of the article below the cut because it's behind a paywall/that way we don't give it more views. I'd read it for yourself before writing in--the context is that this guy choses one topic a week & then publishes a variety of reader responses without commentary. But I think it's a) reprehensible to choose the "transgender issue" as a topic of debate and b) to include the "question" from James that is essentially a pro-conversion-therapy argument. Obviously CW for transphobia below. You can write a letter either by emailing letters@theatlantic.com or by going to this page & selecting "Letter to the Editor" from the dropdown menu at the bottom of the page.

"What Readers Really Think About Gender"

Welcome to Up for Debate. Each week, Conor Friedersdorf rounds up timely conversations and solicits reader responses to one thought-provoking question. Later, he publishes some thoughtful replies.

I recently asked readers for their thoughts and questions on transgender issues. What follows is a first batch of responses; more are to come.

Kate favors trans rights but has two concerns:

Any American should agree with your quotation “Trans people have rights to liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and equality under the law, same as anyone else, and ought to be treated with respect and dignity.” And despite social-media storms, most of them do.

I do.

My only problems with the current push, if you will, are twofold. First, as an older woman who has lived both sides of before and after Title IX, to have biological men competing in women’s sports is the very definition of unfair. Second, I am concerned that a female child who is a “tomboy” is perhaps being told by activists (in schools or online) that she is probably a boy. I am concerned that a boy who enjoys ballet might be told, in the same way, that he is probably a girl. Will we lose the Mikhail Baryshnikovs of the world? Will we lose the Billie Jean Kings of the world? The list of such people could go on and on. It’s okay to be a boyish kind of girl or a girlish kind of boy. But with the very loud voices that the activists of today’s world have, my biggest concern is that we are not letting men and women, boys and girls, just BE, just be who they are. It’s all okay. It’s okay to just be who you are; you probably are not born the wrong gender.

That is very rare.

Sally describes her experiences in early-childhood education:

I work with young children at a preschool that works very hard at being inclusive of all genders. I’m a nascent senior. I’m often known to use the term guys in mixed-gender settings, and I think that guys (in the plural sense only) is morphing into something useful and inclusive. I’m working on switching to using folks as a sign of solidarity, though.

Sometimes our gender-sensitivity training does make me want to roll my eyes. Explaining to a toddler working at toileting that some boys have vaginas and some girls have penises is not something they are focused on––learning how to manage one’s own plumbing to avoid making a mess is challenging enough. The struggles of a transgender boy to access the appropriate bathroom don’t yet resonate for those who are still sitting side by side in an all-gender bathroom. That said, the parents who are using they/them pronouns for their young child might be giving them a respite from conforming to gender rules. And having kind and attentive teachers who aren’t cis gives them additional positive role models to look up to. All toddlers I’ve been privileged to teach have loved sequins, sparkles, tutus, and firefighter hats, and all those young humans ought to be able to explore every aspect of themselves without judgment.

. . .Can humans learn to value the diversity that is probably our greatest strength as a social species before we create our own demise? I hope so!

Lois is confused:

If gender is only true if it is self-defined, and societal norms are constraining, why should anyone aspire to transition from one undefinable and nonexistent gender category to a different one? How do they know the identity they are wanting to take on is real? Doesn’t transitioning simply affirm the male-female binary from the other direction?

Dave asks that you believe his account of his child:

I figured it was just a matter of time before this topic came up, so I have kept my trans dad hat ready. I am the father of a 10-year-old transgender son. He has identified as a boy since he was 4 or 5. In many ways, he’s the prototypical example of a gender-incongruent kid. To quote from some in the medical community, he has been “persistent, insistent, and consistent” in this identification. Before he even knew what the word transgender was, he would describe himself in one way or another as having “a boy brain and girl body.” In no time in the past five to six years has this wavered in even the slightest.

I think there is a feeling in some circles that parents of trans kids see their biologically female child play with a truck three times and rush to change pronouns, throw away dresses, and cover all pink paint with blue. For us, this was not even remotely the case. As our son’s identity began to express itself, we were confused, uncertain, and, to be perfectly honest, a little frightened. Our son began refusing anything remotely “girly” about the time he was 4-and-a-half. He began demanding short haircuts, boyish clothes, and mostly boyish toys.

Of course, my wife and I rushed to change his name and pronouns, began wearing we’re proud of our trans boy! T-shirts, secured spots for him on Pride parade floats, and booked his medical-intervention appointments––at least that’s what many people in America seem to think, as if we’re all quick to fast-track our gender-curious kids to trans identities. How do people who believe such things operate in the world being so divorced from reality? We had no idea what to do. Somewhat guiltily, I will admit that we didn’t fully accept (or maybe want to accept) the reality of our son. We weren’t cruel or entirely unsupportive. But we clung to the idea that it was merely a phase. That he was just playing with roles.

In pre-K, he was starting to ask for male pronouns. We nodded and brushed it off. In parent-teacher conferences during the autumn of kindergarten, his teachers again told us this, as well as about him asking to use the boys’ restroom. We replied that we were fine with that in school if that’s what he preferred but we still used she/her at home and planned to continue doing so. “We just want to see where it goes,” we said.

At the request for short haircuts, we avoided “boy” cuts, trying first a bob, and then a shorter bob. Our son would come home from those appointments sullen and sometimes angry, because he had been pretty clear on his desire (a short, boy-style cut) and we had opted for a short, girl-style cut. We were hoping it might be enough, and frankly hoping he would get over it and everything would go back to “normal.” We did roughly the same thing with clothes. He’d want to shop in the boys’ section at Target; we would keep trying to steer him to the girls’. Books too; we were always sneaking in empowered-girl books, thinking maybe he just had developed some weird, bad impressions of women and girls. He would dutifully put them on his shelf and never take them out.

We persisted in using female pronouns at home and referring to him as our daughter and our other son’s sister … even when he was referring to himself as a brother. In short, we did loads of non-gender-affirming things. If you would have asked us then if we thought it was a phase and that he’d “change back,” we would have dutifully done what liberals in a progressive city do: assured you that wasn’t true and that we loved and supported our child. And we would have been lying; while we of course loved and supported our child, we hoped this whole “I’m a boy in a girl’s body” thing would fade away.

We feared telling our families and potentially facing their rejection and judgment, their possible assumptions that our time in “liberal Madison” had something to do with our child being transgender. We feared we would cause harm by labeling our child too soon. We let our fears hinder us from being the parents our child needed. We were wrong.

I share this to underscore how complex this process is. Because there does seem to be the idea that parents of trans kids aren’t making an effort to “make” their kid conform their gender to their biological sex, that we are just rushing headlong into embracing our child’s trans identity. That there aren’t transgender kids, just over-indulgent progressive parents using their child as a political totem. Or, from the other political extreme, that if we have any doubts or fears or missteps, that we are anti-trans bigots pushing our children toward certain suicide. None of those ideas are true. That this is a deeply difficult thing to process doesn’t seem to occur to some people.

My wife and I finally came to terms with our son's gender identity three years ago when he was seven-and-a-half. Our son was getting increasingly sullen, angry, and defiant. He was unhappy in general, but also angry with us. Even through that winter, we still danced around his gender identity as the cause, as we didn’t want to accept that it was true. We still wanted to believe we had a daughter, not another son. To let go of that idea felt like the equivalent of losing a child. But by that spring it was simply impossible to ignore. We had a conversation and made an appointment with his pediatrician, telling her all we had seen and heard. She confirmed what we had tried to avoid accepting: Our son exhibited all the signs of being transgender.

That was the day we changed our perspective. We went home and told him we were going to start using his preferred pronouns. We compromised on a nickname. He had been named after my wife’s grandmother, and we explained that it was important to carry that on in some capacity, and he accepted a shortened, gender-neutral (and pretty coolly unique) name to go by that used his birth name as a jumping off point. His brother struggled a little with the change, but quickly adapted. And what happened? The sullenness, defiance, and anger disappeared. Our beautiful, buoyant, zany child sprang back out, bigger and better than ever. He switched from Girl to Boy Scouts and thrived.

In the three years since, he has given us not even a tiny glimpse of any of this not being utterly and totally true. He has thrived at his public school—kids are incredibly accepting of things when allowed to be—and at home. His extended family has embraced his identity (some more easily than others). He is as great a kid as anyone could ask for.

I know that there will be people who, were they to read this, would say or think Yeah, sure … he’s only that way because you indulged it and his teachers and school indoctrinated him. To which I’d reply, it could possibly look that way from the outside, if all the evidence you have is one dad’s personal account. But what the people who say those sorts of things don’t see is the daily, lived experience of my kid. A lived experience that reaffirms constantly the truth of who he is. My son is a boy with a girl’s body. I don't understand how that happened, I don’t know how that works, but I know it’s true.

This acceptance doesn’t make the coming years any easier or less terrifying. We can see puberty on the horizon, getting closer every day. We know the huge, terrifying decisions that are coming. We are terrified of making the wrong decision, of doing something that might irreversibly alter or hurt our child. We know that the science, while not as in doubt as opponents want people to believe, has areas of uncertainty. But we need the ability to make the best choices for our kid based on the best medical understanding that exists. And to have the ability to do that suddenly cast into doubt, alongside the possibility of being accused of abuse on top of things, is terrifying and infuriating.

The idea of medical intervention is frightening. But it’s not simply thrown around, at least not in our case. We’ve already had a preliminary meeting with a pediatrician specializing in gender care. Did we leave with a bag of puberty blockers and testosterone vials? Of course not. There is a process we will have to go through to get our insurance company to even cover puberty blockers. As for hormones, that can’t happen until he’s at least 15. And it’s important to remember something else: None of these interventions are required. Many trans kids and adults opt for a range of options, from no medical interventions at all to a full package of interventions. Some start, then stop. It’s all a choice, one parents and kids and doctors need to have the freedom to make.

You may have noticed that earlier I referred to my son as gender incongruent rather than gender dysphoric. That’s not just me being cute with language. I didn’t refer to him as dysphoric, because he isn’t. He’s a super-happy, well-adjusted kid. Why? Because of the support he receives from his family, his friends, and others in his life. There is no dissonance for him because he’s allowed to be who he is. But dysphoria is always lurking out there, whether in the creeping specter of puberty or just the often-unaccepting outside world, and with it the potential for crippling anxiety, depression, and even suicide.

Are there risks to medical interventions? Of course. But the health risks of dysphoria are real too. Given that, it’s still in our best interests as parents to trust the opinions of major medical organizations like the World Professional Association for Transgender Health, the AMA, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the various doctors and therapists our child has seen. We don’t have the luxury of latching on to individual critical voices. The stakes for us are just too high. That doesn’t mean research shouldn’t continue and that critical voices shouldn’t provide a dose of healthy skepticism; that is a critical part of the scientific process. But until it becomes clear that the consensus on gender-affirming care has changed, we will trust the current consensus.

A lot of people struggle with accepting that being transgender is real. It’s counterintuitive. I really do get that. As I said, I don’t understand why my son is who he is. But it’s true. Be skeptical and ask questions. But also know that this is not a fantasy. It is not something made up. Not a phase. It’s real, and the kids and adults experiencing it are real too. They are not making it up. They are not deluded. They are not freaks.

They are human beings. And so are their families.

James has a question:

If there is a recognized incongruity between what a trans person’s brain feels and what sex their body is, there would seem to be at least two logical responses: Either modify the person’s brain to accept the body that they have or modify the body to conform to what the person’s brain thinks they are. Why, then, is there opposition to any suggestion that you can treat the brain to “correct” gender dysphoria?

A reader with the initials P.S. worries that educators will become gender enforcers, and wishes that schools would focus on collective rather than individual identity:

Creating new gender categories, with divergent lists of characteristics and atomized response requirements, is onerous. I don’t think schools should be enforcing strict gender stereotypes or that they should be guiding kids to identify with new categories, and certainly not secretly or against the desires of the parents. Especially at the lower grades, kids need to be learning about what makes us a collective and the rules that make us a cohesive and functioning society. Focusing on gender conformity/expression elevates and centralizes it—it reinforces “me” over “us,” prioritizes adopting an identity group over belonging to a society, and suggests forcing society to conform to individual preferences over conforming one’s behavior to societal mores.

[brittapcrrys]

in dnd/etc character creations, i think u should just automatically be granted a feat (like, [choose a feat here] so HAVING a feat is granted but whatever that feat is, is up to the player or whoever’s making the character) like either as a default for all ancestry&culture templates (u get size, walking speed, approx lifespan, and then the now flexible/customisable ability score increases....and there could be a slot for a feat) OR just like. level 1 of any/every class, a spot to choose and apply a feat.

im looking at all my ocs and i just............. it would go a LONG way towards adding Flavour and Individuality (esp just on the character sheet / generally ‘on paper’) to these dudes if i could pick a unique feat befitting my vision of their background, skills, values, combat style etc like i dont even necessarily care abt getting many bonuses or advantages ????? like yeah feats do that but im here for the Vibe of it all, being able to point at it like “hey this includes ~character info~ in a fun roleplaying flavour way, but also how that applies mechanically!! neato!!

it also makes this character, who once again fits the [class] & [background / alignment / ancestry] combo that i seem to keep repeating, feel DIFFERENT !! bc we all now from the get-go that he was a rigger on a ship so is good at climbing, whereas that one is not quite an undead being (altho being able to apply dhampir, hexblood and reborn details from lvl 1 without having to homebrew the entire “race”, class or background for the character WOULD be something i would utilise if it was part of their story that hey yeah they were already That Thing when they turned to a life of adventuring) bUT i did drag them  into DnD-land from Dragon Age:Origins and the Darkspawn Taint n warden-y blight-y stuff is very crucial to their state of being n call to adventure, and SHE lost an eye in her adolescence but later received an enchanted glass eye that doesn’t grant her like actual vision but dOES grant her “visions”/true-sight under specific circumstances/actions and i needed a way to make that Known, Obvious, and Mechanically Relevant ..... feats at creation / 1st level would do all of this !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

could those things go in bio / other notes? and could i not just painstakingly customize the related ability scores and adv/disadv on character sheets by hand (and put the explanation/reasoning....where?) ?? yeah yeah sure of course. but with the way a lot of the online tools for character sheets, bios and general creation WORK it would just................ dropdown menus exist and get utilised for so many other parts of it, and now the actual cc “rules” and expectations are more customisable so like. whyyyyyy tf does one have to choose the “variant human” ~race~ just t get a feat from step 1?! it is Silly

[salemsimsrender]

Beginner Blender Tutorial Basic Render: Part Three (Adjusting Render Settings, Adding Lights, and Rendering!)

(Continuing from Part Two)

Step 1: Adjusting Render Settings

I exclusively render in Cycles, and though I'll be doing some Eevee runs for the sake of tutorials, I'm going to share what I know today and show you how to set up a Cycles render the way I do

Navigate to Render Properties and select "Cycles" in the Render Engine dropdown

If you have an older system, leave CPU selected If you have a newer or beefier computer, select GPU complete I render on a MacBook Pro, so I'll select GPU

Under Sampling -> Viewport, make sure you click on the Denoise, this will clean up our render preview so we can more easily see what the final result will look like

Under the same Sampling tab, adjust your Max Samples to match mine (32 in the viewport and 128 in the render window, this will speed up your render time)

Click into Output Properties and select "Render Region" and "Crop to Render Region", and change the frame rate to 50fps In the Output tab, change the Color Depth to 16 Nothing will change in our 3D Viewport, but the settings are ready to go

Step 2: Adding Lights

Right now, if we were to change our mode to Rendered, we'd have nothing but a black box. This is because our sim is in a cube with no light source Let's add some lights! For portraits, I like to use a combination of Spot and Point lights You add in lights the same way you add in the camera and the cube, either by clicking "Add" in the top menu or with Shift+A on your keyboard and selecting Light -> Spot or Point I'm going to add a Spotlight first I like to add in lights in Rendered view, but be careful using rendered view as it ups the chances that your Blender will crash

I added in a spotlight but it appears that nothing happened Objects are added into Blender at the Cursor point. I never adjusted mine so it's at the center of the axis, meaning below my sim's feet and outside of the box Using G and X,Y,Z, I'm going to move my spotlight up

Now the light is above her, but I want it shining on her, so I'm going to rotate it forward Rotate objects using the R key and X,Y,Z directions on your keyboard

That's not bad, but I want more dynamic light. I'm going to add two more spotlights for 3 point lighting

This is looking better, and you can see where my lights are and how they're oriented Now let's adjust the background Select your cube in the Outliner panel and navigate to Material Properties Click "new" in the bar Then navigate to your Shader Editor window and you'll see a Principled BSDF Node is here

We're not going to do anything too fancy here, just change the color of the cube and some aspects of how it looks Change the color of your box using the color wheel then adjust your nodes to everything is set to zero except roughness

You should have something like this (of course use whatever color compliments your sim best)

I don't want the background to be super flat, so I'm going to adjust the Metallic value on mine Now I have this:

I like the lighting but I think it might be a little too bright Let's adjust it a little In your Outliner panel, select one of the spotlights then go to "Object Data Properties" (the little lightbulb)

I'm going to adjust the Power to 5 and click off multiple importance and click on shadow caustics, like this:

Do the same for all three spotlights and you should have something like this:

That's better, but let's draw attention to her face with a Point light Add in a point light the same way as a spot (shift+A, light -> point) or Add in the top bar) and move it in front of her face

This is obviously way too bright, so let's adjust it like we did for the spotlights I've changed the radius and adjusted the power to 8, as shown here:

Here's the result:

That's much better! Normally at this point I would probably change her hair and add in jewelry and make minor adjustments to this and that, but for the sake of this super simple beginner render, we're ready to go! Before you run your render, save this file somewhere easy to find. I'll be using the same file for future tutorials!

Step 3: Rendering!

Once you've done all the setup, rendering is actually super easy Make sure you switch your 3D viewport back to Material Preview (rendering while in rendered mode has a tendency to make blender crash) Then go up to the navigation bar and select Render -> Render Image

A new window will pop up, and your render will begin!

Rendering time will depend on how complex your scene is and how many assets you've added in. Ours is very simple so mine says it'll take about 6 minutes

And it's done! Save your render and either post it or edit it in your favorite photo editor!

UPDATE 7/17/23

As you can see, my render was looking very glowy. I didn't know why (there was no glare node in the compositing settings or anything that would cause this, or so I thought), until I adjusted the roughness values on my sim.

Now it looks like this:

So if yours is looking glowy, adjust the roughness to 0, then back up to 10 and that should fix it!

Homework:

Your Render School homework is to create a simple portrait render using these tutorials and tag me in it! I can't wait to see what yall make!

Please leave any questions in the comments below or send an ask and I'll help as best I can!

Happy Rendering!

[mitskicentral]

mitski has officially surpassed 3 billion streams across all credits on spotify

(📷 first two images by ebru yildiz; third by dario catellani for dazed)

— click "read more" if you want to know how this was calculated

definition of a credit: any song on spotify that mitski is featured in. this means that her standard songs are counted as credits, along with her side tracks (love me more clark remix, this is a life for everything everywhere all at once soundtrack, her collabs with other artists.)

this also takes into account the only songs mitski has pulled from spotify ever: shame (jammin' out solo version) and square (solo piano version). those two songs had amassed around 5 million streams from rfsncib release (august 1, 2013) til removal (july 31, 2022)

how to see the number of streams on a song: 1. open the spotify desktop app (i don't think it works for the spotify web app on phones and computers). 2. go to mitski's profile and scroll down to the "discography" section. 3. click the "show all" button on the right to open up mitski's standard discography. if the app is functioning right and you have an internet connection, the number of streams should show up beside the song title. it's to the left of the song duration.

for mitski collabs, go to mitski's profile, scroll down to the "appears on" section and click the "show all" button to the right. click on the albums and look for the song mitski is featured on to obtain the number of streams.

for the two deleted songs, go to spotify settings and enable the "show unplayable songs" option under the "playback" section. then, go to mitski's profile, scroll down to artist playlists and click on "mitski discography by mitski". scroll down to the rfsncib chunk of songs and hover your cursor over either one of the deleted songs (they will be greyed out). click the three horizontal dots to the right of the song duration label (or right click) and click "go to album" from the dropdown menu. the deleted songs should appear with the rest of the tracks now. (they are at the tail end of the album.)

[doitwrite]

From The 3 A.M. Epiphany

Exercise 17: "SYNESTHESIA. Use synesthesia...in a short scene—surreptitiously, without drawing too much attention to it—to convey to your reader an important understanding of some ineffable sensory experience. Use sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. 600 words"

Level 4

The sky was purple-green in the distance, sour and sharp like an unripe grape. The taste was unpleasant on Proctor’s tongue. That color indicated that the air was thick with Crustium…Level 4? Overhead, sea bats screeched warnings to each other. The waves shoved at The Storm, boiling up and sinking back into the depths. She could taste the approaching hurricane on the wind, the clouds crowded on the horizon in a wooly mess of gray shot through the metallic taste of a battery. The metal eyepiece of the telescope was warm from being held against her face. The world shrank into a circle.

They’d never come up against anything higher than a Level 3. Proctor strained her eye. Her lips were salty. The silhouette of something dark and huge snaked out of the water, no bigger than her thumb at this distance—a tentacle? An arm? It vanished back down just as quickly, and Proctor closed the telescope, stomach curdling. Her clothes flapped in the wind, which had risen sharply as if to hurry her along. Jethro barked, flicking his stump of a left ear as he observed her from his usual perch next to the steering wheel. That’s right, she wasn’t alone.

“Are you ready, boy?” She squatted, trying to calm herself by patting his head. His hair was matted, as always. He gave a happy bark and licked her hand.

Jethro followed her around as Proctor swept around the deck, jerking on the knots to guy lines to ensure they were tied down tight. All her books were already safe downstairs, and she’d locked up the rest of the rations in the cabinets.

When did it get so dark? The world seemed to have dropped into a minor key; just twenty minutes earlier the water had been a sparkling turquoise and the sky was a crisp pink, the color of a freshly sliced watermelon. Now it looked like the sun had been swathed in layers of green and purple tulle, light barely reaching a boiling dark sea that looked thick and poisonous. The sound of the crashing waves was drowned out by screams and distant splashes that echoed from the inside of her head. Bodies in the water, their staring eyes bloated with salt and webbed over with death.

Not like last time.

Proctor leapt up the stairs to the helm, dimly hearing the clack-clacking of nails behind her and felt a wet nose nudging at her hip. It took her two tries to pull up the digital navigator. The edges of the screensaver were pulsing red, warning her of the approaching threat. She’d jabbed at the glowing “Combat Mode” option on the dropdown menu when the First Call came.

It was so short.

 The deck tilted under her feet.

The other Gaunters had sounded exactly like she’d read about: deep, extended rumbling that sounded like the earth itself was splitting apart, hundreds of miles beneath the water.

But all she heard was a single clear note, silvery and cold as glass, as if someone had tapped on the side of a champagne flute.

Sweat trickled, gray and cold, down her back.

Had she made a mistake? With shaking hands she consulted the Axiom. Proctor’s eyes kept flicking around the screen. The sea was churning now, but there was no sign of the Gaunter.

Level 4 and above— Purple/Green/Blue Horizon.

Signs of approach: deep vibrations, rumbling, low roaring. Possible visual indicators of entity appendages or attack technique (see also: Identifying Gaunters, Preparing for Combat/Capture).

That couldn’t be right. Jethro whined at her feet.

Desperately, she clicked back to the search page.

A flume of water exploded upwards in a roar of white two feet from her face, and all she could think was no no no this was all wrong, all wrong—

[the-glowing-stars]

Hiii! if it's alright to ask, how do u use psd's? (｡>﹏<｡) idek really know what they are even (｡ŏ﹏ŏ) ohh and I love this account btw! it's very pretty!!

☆ Hi there PSD (known as Photoshop Documents) is an image file format native to Adobe's popular Photoshop Application. It's an image editing friendly format that supports multiple image layers and various imaging options and Whenever you want to edit your design again, just head back to Photoshop and the File dropdown menu. From there, select Open and search for the PSD in question. Double-click on the file, and it will automatically open in Photoshop, all ready for editing! (Like an Example Use Photopea!) If that doesn't work please Ask Mod Saki in her editing blog!