#it's actually my own social anxiety but whatever | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nereidprinc3ss · 9 months ago

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hii i love love how u write spencer omds🥸

uhh i was wondering if you could write sth based off the song “we’ll never have sex” by leith ross? pls dont feel pressured to write this btw😭😭😭 hope ur having a good day lovely💗💗

hello my love i have no self control so this is extremely long and plotty but i love this song and i hope that this is any good at all crying emoji (i'm on a laptop LOL) enjoy!!

warnings/tags: angst/fluff, fem!reader, negative self-talk from reader, mentions of past sexual coercion/feeling used, mentions of past excessive drinking to combat social anxiety, ive been watching a lot of new girl lately and i think it shows, SO FRIENDS TO LOVERS, happy ending

You weren’t expecting to end up on Spencer Reid’s worn-leather couch at two in the morning, clutching a chipped mug of coffee in your hands as you listen to the sounds of the city from the street below. But there you are, sitting with your legs folded under you, in your favorite dress and first date-night makeup (now bleeding and smudged from all the crying.) And realizing that despite considering him one of your closest friends, you haven’t been to his apartment in a long time. There are, of course, good reasons for that—but you try to push those from your mind.

“I’m really sorry about this,” you sigh, staring at your warped reflection in the glassy black surface of your coffee. Spencer is coming out of the small kitchen, now bearing his own cup.

“Please, stop apologizing.”

You glance up, tentatively studying him from behind the safety of your mug. While he may not have been asleep when you knocked on his door ten minutes ago, lachrymose and barely verbal, he must have been getting ready for bed. He’s clad in patterned pajama pants, mismatched socks, and an FBI crewneck that is just big enough to reveal the collar of the tee-shirt underneath. He’s already taken out his contacts, and you were startled by the reminder that he also has glasses.

“So...” he begins, bringing you back to the present moment, “we don't have to talk about anything, if you don’t want to, but...”

You sigh, watching coffee bubbles swirl like stars in a galaxy.

“It’s fine. Honestly, I’m kind of embarrassed. I didn’t really think, I just... ended up here.”

“Yeah... where did you come from?” he laughs quietly. “Not that I’m complaining. But I recall you not living super close by.”

“No, no. I was actually on a date. Kind of.”

“Ah.” There’s a beat of silence, and ostensibly Spencer is waiting for you to say more, but instead you take a sip from your mug. “At two in the morning?” You nod dully, staring at the labyrinthine pattern of the Persian rug.

“I’m taking it that it wasn’t a very good date...?”

A whoosh of air escapes from your puffed cheeks.

“No it was not. Not by the end, anyway. It actually started really well, which made it even more disappointing when he...” you laugh, but there’s not much humor in it. “Well, when he kicked me out of his car on a street corner because I didn’t want to sleep with him.”

You don’t look to see Spencer’s reaction—only take another long, baleful sip of coffee and ignore the heavy silence.

“I’m really sorry. You... you deserve so much better than that.”

An attempt at a jaded scoff from you falls flat.

“Yeah, well. Tell that to the last three white house interns I’ve gone on dates with. It’s the same thing every time.”

“Have you considered going on fewer dates with white house interns...?” The nervous humor is a thin veil over genuine critique. You shrug, biting the inside of your cheek.

“It’s not just them. Every single guy I’ve liked since I was 15 has been like this. Even my past relationships, I felt like I was almost... tricked into, you know? I mean, these guys, they act all understanding and willing to take it slow or whatever, until you’re in a relationship, and suddenly they’re guilt tripping you so hard and making you feel so obligated to...” you catch yourself just in time, glancing up at Spencer. You’re not sure what to make of his expression. The drawn brow and slightly squinted eyes trained so intently on you could be sympathy, or anger, or pity, or apathy—you look away, not sure you even want to know what he’s thinking. “Sorry. You don’t need to hear all about that. Basically romance is exhausting and since I’ll clearly be single forever I’m considering running away to join a nunnery.”

When he doesn’t respond for too long, you look back up quizically.

“I’m not sure you know what romance actually is,” he says as soon as your gaze meets his, like the eye-contact activated some kind of hair-trigger in his vocal box.

You blink, lowering the coffee cup to your lap.

Says Spencer Reid?

“...sorry?”

He flushes, stammering to clarify himself.

“I just meant—I—I know I’m not exactly fighting women off with a stick—” he interrupts himself with a self-conscious (adorable) laugh— “but... but I have been in love, at least once.”

“Maeve,” you say, gently—trying to shove down bitter guilt as you remember how jealous you’d been when Spencer had first told you about her. “I remember.”

He swallows and nods.

“We never even met—we just talked. All the time. I had no idea what she looked like. But it didn’t matter at all. Because I knew her, and I loved her. Maybe things would have gone further if I hadn’t been calling her from public phone booths, but that wasn’t the most important thing to either of us. We were still in love.” You try to shut out the sharp ache in your chest. Being jealous of the way he speaks about a dead woman is so wrong.

“What I’m trying to say is that romance isn’t solely about sex, or even physical appearance. It sounds to me like you’ve been with a lot of men who don’t understand that. And it would be such a shame for you to write romance off in general before you even get to experience it. You are... an extraordinary woman. You’re funny, and intelligent, and kind, and so capable of being loved. One day, someone is going to see beyond your pulchritude and prove that to you. I hope you let them try.”

More tears blur the pattern on the rug, pooling in the rims of your eyes before spilling down your cheeks in fast, fat drops. Shakily you set the cup down, resting your elbows on your knees and hiding your face in your hands. You sniff once. Twice. Shake your head quickly, attempting to wipe the tears away without further smearing your makeup everywhere.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Spencer breathes, leaning forward but obviously unsure how to comfort you. “Please don’t cry, I wasn’t--I was trying to do the opposite of this.”

“No, I’m sorry! You didn’t have to—you didn’t—I’m sorry. That was way too nice.”

But you're not crying because he was nice.

Someone will love you, but not me. That’s all you can hear.

His voice is a mere whisper when he next speaks.

“I meant every word.”

You take a shuddering breath, allowing yourself a moment of reprieve behind the peaceful black of your eyelids. You can’t be looking at his face when you say what you’re about to say.

“I had a crush on you for the longest time, you know.”

Ringing silence. But it doesn’t last as long as you’d imagined. It’s not as world ending.

“Had?”

The little smile in his voice is like a fist around your heart.

“Yeah. You know what changed?”

“What’s that?”

Absolutely nothing.

“Every time I got super drunk and started hitting on you, you’d just drive me home. And I did it a lot. Like, for months. But you were such a gentleman. It drove me fucking crazy. So eventually I figured you just didn’t like me and I gave up.”

Another stretch of silence. A breeze comes in from the open window, fluttering the curtains and cooling the tears on your face. His response is sad when it finally comes.

“You thought I didn’t like you because I didn’t try to take advantage of you when you were drunk?”

“Pretty much.” You smile ruefully, fingertips still pressed over your eyes. “God, listen to me. No wonder I get treated like garbage.”

“Stop. Don’t talk about yourself like that. Did you hear anything I just said?”

You sniff, looking to the ceiling.

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. It was really sweet.”

More silence.

“But you don’t believe it.”

A bitter laugh poisons the air around you.

“I don’t know. I’m kind of tired of waiting for someone to prove it to me. Just for once, I want someone to be interested in me beyond having sex in the back of their fucking... Range Rover, or whatever. Like, maybe all that stuff you said is true, but there’s no evidence to support it, and I know logically you’re probably right but I can’t help wondering if... if I’m the outlier. Maybe there just isn’t someone for me like that. Maybe I’m just gonna be the sex in the back of the Range Rover girl forever.”

A noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob forces itself from your throat and you bury your face in your hands again, shaking your head.

“Wow, I am so sorry,” you say a little too loudly, “I did not mean to be this honest tonight. Did you spike my coffee?”

“You are not the outlier,” Spencer whispers.

You sniff, lifting your head haltingly to look at him.

“What?”

His voice shakes slightly as he speaks.

“You said you can’t help wondering if you’re the outlier, and maybe there just isn’t someone for you like that. That’s not true.”

“Spencer, those are just words. You can’t possibly know that. Statistical probabilities don’t count.”

“That’s... that’s not how I know.”

Your heart drops as you study his face.

No.

Surely he’s not saying what you think he’s saying.

Surely he wouldn’t do this to you after you’ve just told him everything you told him. You have been harboring feelings for him for years. Since you met. He can’t just spring this on you one night because you’re a little bummed out. If he felt the same, you would have found out a long time ago; he had ample opportunity to tell you. There was a period of months where you practically threw yourself all over him at every chance you got, and he did nothing. So this... this is just cruel—something you’ve never known Spencer Reid to be.

You stand up, trembling slightly with rage and grief and humiliation.

“Don’t do that. Don’t say things that you don’t mean just to make me feel better.”

“What are you doing? Don’t--”

You scoop up your purse, trying to get to the front door as fast as your gelatinous legs will allow. More tears are streaming down your face now and you don’t need him to see what he’s done to you—to see how much you care what he thinks.

“It’s fine. Thanks for the coffee, I’ll see you around—”

A hand around your wrist stops you in your tracks

“Stop. Just... please give me a second to talk, okay?”

With nothing left to give, you turn to him.

“Don’t be mean, Spencer. Don’t act like you liked me too. That makes me feel... so much worse.”

He takes a deep, shaky breath, as if steeling himself. Tawny eyes bore into your soul, and you realize that there is so much sheer nervous energy radiating off of him it’s infectious. Your heart begins to pound as he speaks.

“I’m not doing that. I’m being an idiot, because you just told me that you don’t feel that way about me anymore but... but I do. And I have to tell you now because for six months I tortured myself wondering why you would flirt with me so much when you were hammered and then act like nothing happened the next day. There were so many times I almost told you how I felt but I didn’t and now I am because even if it ruins our friendship you need to know that somebody... that I wanted to be that person for you. I still do.”

Your heart is like an unmoored zeppelin in your chest, bumping against your esophagus and threatening to either burst or jump out of your mouth. You take your chances, whispering so quietly it’s almost inaudible.

“You... you like me?”

“Yes,” Spencer sighs. “I have liked you for a very long time. And I’m sorry—”

Whatever ridiculous thing he was going to apologize for, you don’t give him the chance. Instead you launch yourself at him, capturing his lips in a kiss that feels so much better than it’d ever been in your fantasies because it’s real. You hear his sharp intake of breath, but it only takes a second for him to respond, cradling your face in his hands like you’re the entire world. For a moment, time bends. Years of longing, of buried dreams crash into the present in a brilliant, dazzling explosion.

And then, as quickly as it started, he pulls away. The absence of his touch is like a vacuum, so much worse now that you know exactly how it feels to have his lips on yours, even if it was only for a few seconds. How the hell did you live like that for so long? How are you supposed to live like that ever again?

“You’re not thinking clearly,” he breathes, tilting his head back toward the ceiling like he’s barely holding onto his self control. “You just want someone to comfort you, I’m not going to take advantage of you when you’re in an emotionally vulnerable state and confided in me which is manufacturing a false sense of attachment—”

You grab his wrists, which still graze your jaw.

“Spencer, stop intellectualizing for thirty seconds. I promise you I am thinking clearly.”

“You said you used to like me, past tense—”

“Yeah, I did. Do you believe every single murderer who says he didn’t do it?”

“No, but—”

“Have you ever heard the phrase; a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts?”

“Of course I have.”

“Then what more could you possibly need to be convinced that I really like you? I already kissed you! What is stopping you?”

Another deep breath is taken by him that seems to suck all the air out of the quiet room. Briefly, you wonder if you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake. If you really do like him so much more than he could ever like you.

Until he looks back down, eyes so golden-brown in the dim light, so kind and full of affectionate concern as he carefully assesses every square centimeter of your face, looking for... well, you’re not exactly sure what. It’s like he’s extracting every thought from your head, turning them over like sun-warmed stones until he finds what he’s looking for. He smooths his hands over your hair, brushing strands away from your teary face. Finally, after what feels like an eternity of holding your breath, he speaks.

“I just want you to believe what I believe about you. But I don’t want you to have to rely on me or anyone else for your own self-worth.”

“Well, don’t you think very highly of yourself,” you tease with a sniffle. He laughs—it's quiet, but his smile is so bright without even trying that suddenly you can’t remember why you’ve ever been sad. The small miracle of his laughter makes you feel so light, and you realize it has nothing to do with the way he makes you feel about yourself. It has everything to do with who he is.

Once the giggles die down, you tentatively mirror his hold on your face.

“Spencer, I don’t like you because you like me. I’ve liked you for an embarrassingly long time. I liked you enough that I gave myself a severe hangover at least once a week for three months just so I could have an excuse to flirt shamelessly with you.”

A half-sad smile pulls at the corner of his mouth, and he gently swipes under your eyes.

“You never had to do that. I would have welcomed your sober brazen flirting with open arms.”

“Well... do you believe me?” you plead. His amber eyes shine.

“I do.”

“Will you kiss me?”

“If that’s what you want.”

You nod, rising on your toes to meet him halfway.

When your lips meet again, it is sweet, and honest, and slow, and deep. Still, there is no desperation--no race to an imagined finish line, no clash of teeth and pawing hands. It is a kiss for the sake of it—as if it were the greatest intimacy. Not a precursor to sharing a bed, but something bigger than that in and of its own. Something just as worthy and important. For the first time, you think you’re beginning to understand romance. And while you wouldn’t mind if things did escalate, you also know that Spencer knows that’s not what matters right now. Because he actually understands you—he actually cares. He will wait until you understand that you mean so much more than that to him.

To that end, he pulls away, gently supplanting his absence with a kiss to the corner of your mouth.

“It would be polite of me to offer you a ride home, wouldn’t it?” he whispers, like it’s the last thing he wants to do. You bite the inside of your cheek, coming up with reasons not to go. One ridiculous one arises from the depths of your memory that you know he won’t be able to say no to.

“Or... I could stay here, and we could watch one of those nerdy foreign films you’re always talking about?”

A slow, perfect, high-watt smile blossoms on his face, and you know you’ve said exactly the right thing.

“Nerdy? Oh, my darling girl... Soviet-era filmography is far from nerdy. небесная машина will completely defy what you thought you knew about the life of an average Russian villager in the 1950’s.”

“Oh, good. Because I’ve really been meaning to change the way I think about the average 1950’s Russian villager,” you smile, already closing in to kiss him again.

------------------------------------------

epilogue

Three hours later, you’re crying because the life of the average Russian villager in the 1950’s was so much worse than you’d previously thought.

“It was good, right?” Spencer asks as the credits roll over a bleak snowy sepia landscape, leaning back to get a better look at you. You sit up from where you’d been leaning against him, furiously wiping your eyes.

“It was terrible! Why didn’t you tell me that everyone except the kid dies in the end?!”

“Because that’s the whole point of the movie!” he laughs, pulling you back into him. “I’m sorry. I probably should have explained how depressing this entire era of film was outside of the US.”

“And also how long the movies were. I was not prepared for how many five minute long clips of empty fields there were going to be.”

“You’re right,” he ammends, wrapping his arms around you in a way that gives you butterflies and makes you sleepy at the same time. “Next time we can watch whatever you want to watch.”

Time passes like that—you in his arms, watching weak light slowly flood the room with half-lidded eyes and listening to the sounds of the city waking up from the street below, underscoring the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. Thoughts float by like leaves on the ever-flowing current of your mind, and you’re happy to let them pass until one in particular catches your attention.

“Spencer?”

He hums, like he’d been deep in his own proverbial river of thought.

“What does pulchritude mean?”

It takes him a split second to remember the bit of conversation from earlier to which you are referring, but when he does, he chuckles, running his hand over your messy hair.

“Don’t worry about it.”

And so you let it float away.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x self insert #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you

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hadesoftheladies · 10 months ago

Text

actually, I DID have gender dysphoria as a teenage girl without being exposed to anything about it on the internet, on top of "racial dysphoria" and body dysmorphia

there were points I DID want to kill myself because i wasn't, or bleach my skin or change my body, i would have done anything to be a white boy at one point

which is both sad and funny to me because i remember two of my then good friends explain being enby and transgender to me and me being like "that doesn't make any sense" and it's because of trans-discourse we eventually broke up. the closest i ever got to accepting trans-ideology was transmedicalism with weak support for "queer" culture. i did not understand pronouns, but i understood dysphoria. but i did not understand how one could be a man or woman without the sex characteristics.

how did i heal?

one, i left church. that was one of the places i was most scrutinized for my physical body. two, i distanced from my parents, especially my mom. who often made my ocd and body-image worse (not because she was mean, but because she was always fretting about "decency"). three, i focused on bettering my personal space. writing, reading, watching my comfort shows, getting the focus off me. four, i started eating better, and my body became less burdensome. i stopped getting horrible period pain. five, i surrounded myself with self-confident women and stopped trying to resurrect toxic friendships with girls and boys (especially boys). started eliminating each toxic friend and focusing my efforts on healthier relationships. six, i'd started educating myself on my own history, watching and listening to more black and African people. even when i didn't enjoy what they made or resonate with it, i found i appreciated the experience and could allow myself to hate or love whatever i found.

by the time i discovered radical feminism, this was like, the final step for me: consuming women-centric literature and media. this was HUGE. i'd see paintings and photography of women in all shapes, colors and sizes. i'd listen to master musicians, read women philosophers, anthropologists, etc. this started mending a lot of what caused initial disquiet when it came to my dysphoria or dysmorphia.

basically, i took myself out of bad environments (especially those which force you to scrutinize every detail about yourself, like social media, i took long breaks from that), drew boundaries with people i couldn't get rid of, learned about myself (ocd, dyscalculia, anxiety, female biology) so that i developed understanding and could empathize, stopped centering men and white people.

now, while there's still a hint or trace of dysmorphia and dysphoria, it doesn't plague my life. it's like the occasional itch. more of a mild temptation to go down a dark hole than an actual threat. and i've learned how to handle those.

i learned the root of things. not just my history, but the root of how society worked and how it affected me. and i'm still learning, and my life is still improving.

so yeah, girls and women going through this is normal and common. anyone who is used to who they are being shameful is more at risk (like gnc lgb kids), but you can recover. usually better if you get out of the places that are making you sick.

#mine #radblr #dysphoria #dysmorphia

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sweetestcaptainhughes · 5 months ago

Text

say whatever you feel,

be wherever you are

Word Count - 3k roughly

Author's Note - I felt this need to write some Jack fluff since I'm been writing a lot of Jack being a complete idiot asshole lately. Thank you always for reading

Warnings - I truly can't think any

Summary - Y/N was a very social butterfly, she was blunt and witty. Not a single person that knows her would describe her as shy. But when it came to her expressing her emotions, she was definitely more reserved. Or three times Jack shows her that it isn't scary to show how happy he is, and the one time she shows him her own happiness.

Masterlist

Growing up you were never one of those people that felt as if they could show the world their every thought on their face. Maybe it was your personality in general or how you grew up, but you never showed how you felt to the entire world around you.Some people would describe you as shy for this, but you weren’t shy you were in fact a very blunt, witty person. It’s just for whatever reason you never let anyone know how a situation unfolding in front of you made you feel. It’s almost like you were always watching everyone else somehow seeing how they were responding and then reacting. Especially when it came to showing pure happiness, this feeling of carefree happiness and being lost in the moment of it. That entire idea was foreign to you.

Jack didn’t mind that you were closed off in showing your feelings to the world. He knew that you kept that part of yourself hidden from the world. A part of him actually found it like a small victory when he was able to have you act dumb with him even if it was within the private walls of your apartment. Jack wasn’t as dumb when it came to emotions as people in the media viewed him. Everyone thought of him as someone who was just a cocky little asshole who was nothing more than a hot head on and off the ice. But that was furthest from the truth, Jack was the first boy that showed you that the little moments in life could truly be some of your happiest fondest moments. Jack learned from you that sometimes not displaying all of your cards was actually better because when you were completely emotionally raw with someone it meant so much more. Jack knew you loved him with everything you had, and he loved that he was one of the only people on Earth to truly witness you being your truly carefree self. He loved how through each time you joined him in being completely carefree and happy. He felt like he was able to learn this whole new side to you even though you’ve been dating for months at this point. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It doesn’t matter where we are I’m happy with you:

Jack loved spending time with you, he actually was obsessed with spending every available second you both had free together. But due to the roadies schedule this year being insane he was about to go away for almost two weeks exactly. Since you guys started talking three months ago you haven’t spent that much time apart. The only problem was that you had a list of probably 10 ‘absolutely can’t procaste anything or my life will actually fall apart errands’ that had to get done today before your work week started tomorrow. But Jack left tomorrow morning and wouldn’t be back for two weeks.

Jack knew that if you weren’t able to do your errands that you would probably spiral all week due to feeling behind. He also knew even though you would never admit it out loud, that you were already having anxiety about how attached Jacks’ presence you were already and how hard this first roadie would be. Thus how he came up with what he felt was his most brilliant idea in months. Luke and Quinn didn’t agree in the groupchat and called him a simp and asked how Jack became whipped so badly and quickly. Jack decided to ignore his brother’s and facetime with you to tell you his idea. You answered immediately even though you were in the middle of making sure you didn’t forget anything before leaving your place to hop in your car.

“Hi bubs, what's up? I’m in the middle of something right now.” Jack can hear the anxiety rising in your voice and can hear you being distant on the phone due to it.

“Hi baby… I have an idea.'' It's hard for Jack to hide the excitement in his voice. His smile drops a little as he hears you sigh deeply, knowing that you're probably snatching your voice a little annoyed.

“Jack, I told you I need to get all these errands done so that I’m ready for next week. Which I would have already done if you hadn’t spent the last 3 days at my place insisting we don’t need to leave the bedroom except for snacks and gatorade.” Jack can hear you continue to shuffle around in the background, probably slipping on some shoes and throwing a jacket on.

“Yes.. which was fun but we don’t need to talk about that. Anyway, that’s actually why I’m calling you, let's have a car date.” you can practically hear the smile you know is radiating off his face right now announcing his idea to you.

“A car date?” you shyly ask.

“Yes, a car date. We can get fast food, blast the best music, and I can drive you around and we will complete all your errands. But we also get to spend time together.” Jak rumbles off his plan and you can tell that he isn’t as confident as he once was.

“okay.” you say shyly smiling at the idea.

“Perfect. Pick you up in 10.” he rushes out as he hangs up.

That Sunday you spend eating way too much snacks from gas stations, fast food and having your own little karotake sessions. As Jack drives you around town one hand on the wheel the other switching between your thigh and hand. He can’t help the warm feeling in his chest as he leans over and sees a small smile on your face.

“It doesn’t matter what we're doing, I’m happy when I’m with you.” he breaths out, and you can’t help but turn back to him as you let his words sink in. Jack knew that you probably wouldn’t respond. But when he felt you give his hand a squeeze he brought it up to his mouth to give it a soft kiss. Neither of you say anything else about it, moving on to scream singing to the next song that belts out from the speakers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am happiest when your attention is on me:

Jack and you were on an impromptu date night in Manhattan, deciding that it would be nice to go to the city for the night. As you are leaving the restaurant knowing that the night is coming to an end but not wanting it to. Jack offers to go on a walk for a little bit and maybe find some dessert. Spending time walking hand in hand, you couldn’t help but have a small smile on your face. But then you felt the never ending buzz of your phone knowing that someone was obviously trying to get in contact with you. Reductively, you reach into your back pocket to grab your phone, finding about fifthteen texts in the last 3 minutes from your cousin. Apparently, she was freaking out about something that happened in the family groupchat. Naturally, you slowed your walking pace to try and read all the messages. At first Jack was fine with you being a little distracting but then when you completely stopped walking. But once you got distracted and stopped walking completely Jack tried his hardest to be patient. But Jack isn’t really known for being the most patient guy or being good at staying still for long. “Who’s on the phone baby?” at the sound of his voice, you glance up.

“Oh it’s my cousin they’re telling me about what happened the family groupchat.” Once you see Jack nod, you return your attention to your phone. After a few more minutes Jack’s done waiting and wants to continue their walk.Due to his quick reflexes he quickly picks you up, throwing you over his shoulder and grabbing your phone in the process.

Immediately you start laughing, hitting his back. In the most demanding voice you can muster in the middle of your laughing fit you scream. “JACK let me down! Give me back my phone!” He knew you weren’t mad at him so he decided to push the limit with how far he could go with this as he started walking down the sidewalk.

“Nope, not till I’m done texting them telling them that you're busy with your amazing hot boyfriend. And that your boyfriend demands your attention because another minute longer he might cry.” Jack shifts your weight slightly and you can tell that he really is typing on your phone.

“Jack stop! I’ll give you my full attention, I promise.” as you continue to laugh while you hear Jack hum in agreement.

“Okay sent. Now I can let you down.” You can feel Jack’s arms tighten as he lightly lets you down, both of your breathing speeding up due to how close your faces are when your feet finally touch the ground.

“You said you're always happy with me.” you mumbled.

“I am but I’m only happiest when I have your attention.” he whispers, his eyes flicking between lips and your eyes. As if he was asking if he could kiss you in the moment, you slowly snake your arms around his neck and reach up to kiss him softly.

As you pull away you can’t help your smartass response “you're such an attention whore Jackey. But I love you for it.” As you stay in his embrace a little longer, completely forgetting about your cousin and whatever family drama it was. Simply just allowing yourself to be lost in this moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am happy with you because when I’m with I can block everything out:

Jack truly wasn’t afraid of his mind being quick witted, being loud or being too sarcastic. He wasn’t someone who was known for being shy about his personality. Especially when he would go out with you somewhere and it would be like his body transformed into someone new. Someone who wasn’t afraid to scream at the top of their lungs just how happy they were that you were his and he was yours. Someone who truly felt happiest with you in their arms,

Tonight was no different for Jack at the lakehouse. He was so happy that you were able to get a long weekend off and come visit him in Michigan. As per usual for the summer house, there were people everywhere, From Luke’s old Michigan teammates, to some of Quinn’s teammates, to friends they grew up with on the lake, to Jack’s friends from when he played on the USA Hockey team. If Jack had to guess there were probably about thirty people right now inside his house or outside at the bonfire. After spending the day with friends he was able to retreat to a lawn chair close enough to the fire to feel the warmth but far away enough that it's not insanely loud. Jack and you weren’t able to spend much of the party together sadly, due to the girlfriends of the boys pulling you away. It was nice to be welcomed but you were definitely missing Jack after having to meet so many people, you were feeling your social battery dying. As you exited the house, looking for Jack you were thrilled to see Jack not surrounded by people and just talking to Cole in some lawn chairs closer to the lake.

Quickly you felt yourself heading towards your boyfriend, very much just wanting to be in his arms away from everyone else. He quickly caught your eyes as you walked up and you could feel yourself blush as his smile grew seeing you. “Hi baby!” Once you were in arms reach, making grabby hands at you pulling yourself down into his lap. Your back was leaning against one of the arm rests of the chair. One leg between Jack’s legs, the other swinging over the other arm rest. Your arms quickly circling around Jack’s neck trying to pull him closer to you. Usually you don’t show this level of PDA in front of people you don’t know and you literally met Cole four hours prior to this. Jack tightened his arms around you, nervous something was wrong. “Heyy babyy.. you okay?” he whispers as your face digs deeper into his neck. You shook your head yes and Jack took that as an answer, and continued to talk to Cole. Lightly rubbing your one his hands up and down your calf that was hanging over the chair. His other tightly holding your hip to make sure you won’t fall. His thumb under your hoodie slowly creases the top of your hip. He continued talking to Cole like nothing happened and Cole knew Jack well enough to know not to chirp either of you in the moment or he would have to look for a new place to sleep tonight.

After a while Cole mentioned something about needing a refill and made his way back to the rest of the party. Jack knew that when you were ready to rejoin the world and be ready to talk to him you would. In the meantime he watched drunk people dancing to some soft country music softly singing along only loud enough for you to hear. You lightly smiled as you whispered “your lucky you didn’t go into the music industry because you are way off tone Jackey.” as you slowly move your head from his neck to his chest.

“What I’m offended! I am a great singer.” you could hear the sarcasm clear as day on his voice. It still didn’t stop your small laugh as one of your hands went to play with the stings of his hoodie. He couldn’t help but ask if you were okay again though “did something happen or are you just tired pretty girl?” His hand on your calf went to your hand that wasn’t playing with his hoodie and held your hand in your lap.

“Social battery.” you mumble sort of embarrassed that as an extraverted your social battery seemed to run out quicker than others. It didn’t slip past you that Jack’s hand gave you a squeeze as a form of comfort. “I just wanted to be held.” you let out the words before you even realize. Jack can’t help but lean down and kiss your forehead, knowing that you wanted to change the subject and he let you. After a half hour you can’t help but feel Jack’s head shake to the rhythm of the music. “You want to dance don’t you?” but Jack could tell by your voice that you weren’t feeling up to being around so many drunk people who were too drunk to know personal space boundaries.

“We don’t have to baby, it’s okay.” He says making eye contact with you so you know how serious he’s being.

“No it’s okay we can if you, I know how happy dancing makes you” as you start to shift to get off his lap, his hands tighten their grip on you.

“No Y/N.” As he reaches to cup your face with his hand, “I don’t want to dance. I like how happy I am right here with you, cause you block out all the noise. I am being here with you in my arms” As he leans in to kiss you deeply. “Okay?” he asks in a questioning tone making sure you understand what he’s saying.

“Okay Rowdy.” as you lean further into his embrace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can be the real you with me:

Suddenly you were back in your apartment, the season was in full swing. It was hard at times but you were slowly getting used to your apartment door becoming a revolving door due to Jack’s schedule. Jack started spending more nights at your place then his only because he said he missed being with you as much due to all the back to back roadies the Devils’ have had this month. At some point tonight Jack was supposed to come home and you physically felt your body shaking of energy at the thought. Craving something sweet you decided to make some brownies and figured that you could have them with dinner. Since you knew Jack was coming over you decided to make them gluten free so he didn’t feel terrible about eating them and breaking his diet a little.

Your text to Jack has still been left unanswered about what time he’s coming home today but you knew he was busy finishing up with the media team. As you entered the kitchen you turned on spotify and connected it to your bluetooth speaker, randomly shuffling your playlist. After washing your hands you got everything out and started making the brownies. As you were standing there making brownies listening to Revival by Zach Brynn came on. Slowly you felt yourself softly singing to the song, giggling as you remembered Jack singing this song to you all those months ago at the lakehouse. Slowly you felt your voice sing louder and as the song got louder and Zach kept singing about how he feels reborn. Slowly you started jumping and twirling around to the lyrics. You're not sure if the music is too loud or just being stuck in your own world. Next thing you know you feel arms sneak around you, and slowly move against you. At first your body froze, scared, until you felt Jack’s voice. “Hi babygirl, i missed you.” Slowly you let yourself continue to get lost in the song. Both allowing yourselves to get lost in the song and kitchen dancing. After the song slowly came to an end, you felt yourself slowly stop dancing but neither of you pulled away yet.

“Hi Jackey, welcome home” you whisper looking up at him, as the next song slowly starts playing in the background.

“Hey” he softly mumbles as he leans down and softly kisses your lips, no rush at all for anything more just pure love in the moment.

“I’m surprised you didn’t stop dancing when I came up behind you.” he admits softly.

You shrug your shoulders “I don’t know, I guess I can be my real self around you, I’m not scared of showing you my emotions.” As you hear yourself admit this out loud you realize just how big of a deal this really is not only for yourself ,but for Jack and your relationship.

“God I love you, but I really love when you let yourself be happy baby.” he admits, dipping his head down to steal another kiss.

#jack hughes fic #jack hughes fanfiction #jack hughes fluff #jack hughes x reader #jack hughes blurb #jack hughes imagine #hughes imagine #new jersey devils fic #nhl fanfiction #nhl fic #nhl x reader #schwritingsjh86

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thebibliosphere · 1 year ago

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I saw your post about ingram, and out of curiosity, is there some advantage to going through the whole self-publishing thing with retailers when you're just starting out? like I mean the way that fandom zines work is that they don't even bother going through ingram or amazon or whatever. they just set up a social media site (usually twitter) to gain followers, open preorders (usually 1-2 months in length) to generate the costs of printing upfront, and then sell anywhere from a few dozen to several hundred copies of their books (usually artbooks, but anthologies exist too). I've seen some zines generate over a thousand orders. they're kind of like pop-up shops, except for books. maybe the sales numbers aren't so impressive to a real author, but the profit generated is typically waaaay more than the $75+ apparently needed for Ingram Spark, so I still feel like new authors could benefit from this method too, especially if they just need some start-up cash to eventually move to ingram if they want to for subsequent runs of their book. I think authors would also have to set aside some of the pre-order money to buy an ISBN number to have printed on their book, and I'm not really sure what other differences there are, but I just wanted to ask about it in case there's some huge disadvantage I'm missing!

So, popup zines work well for some people, and I know some authors who kickstart their work successfully. But for a lot, it's just not feasible as a long-term stratedy. Or even as a means to get off the ground.

Fanzines succeed primarily because an existing fanbase is willing and ready to throw money at something they love. They’ve got a favorite writer or artist they want to support. Supporting all the others is just a happy by-product. They also take a HUGE amount of short-term but intense planning that just doesn’t always jive with how some of us work.

I, for one, would never offer to organize a fanzine. I’ll take part in them as a creator, but I’d rather throw myself off a cliff than subject myself to wrangling that many people and dealing with the legal logistics.

When it comes to authors doing anthologies, it'svery much the same. The success of the funding often hinges on having other big-name authors involved whose existing fans will prop up the project. Or having a huge marketing budget.

Most self-pub authors have zero marketing budget. I’m one of them, and I’m under no illusions that my work would not be as popular and self-sustaining as it is if I didn’t have a large Tumblr blog.

When I thank Tumblr in my forewards, I am utterly sincere. Tumblr brought fandom levels of enthusiasm to an unknown work and broke the Amazon algorithm so hard, that Amazon thought I was bot sniping my way to multiple #1 spots and froze my sales rankings.

That’s not the norm. And while I could probably kickstart my own work as an indie creator, that’s because I’ve put literal decades into building up a readership. I’ve been doing this since I was 16 and realized people thought I was funny. I didn’t know what to do with it or if I’d ever actually write anything, but it meant the groundwork was already there (thank you, past-me). I basically fell upward into my success by virtue of never being able to shut the fuck up and wanting to make people laugh. Clown instincts too strong.

New or first-time authors trying to sell their work without that will find it infinitely harder.

All of that aside, even if an unknown author somehow gets lucky and manages to fund their work, there’s still the question of shipping and distribution logistics. Are you shipping everything yourself? Better hope you’re able-bodied and have the time for it. (for reference, it took me months to ship out 300 patreon hardbacks because of my disabilites. It damaged my back and hands. I couldn’t type for several weeks after I was done.)

Are you going to sell primarily at conventions? Better hope you’re able-bodied, have the time and don’t have cripling anxiety about being in large groups...

Also, will selling a dozen to a few thousand copies in one burst be sustainable in the long run as a career? Not for me. Doing things via Ingram and Amazon means I earn a steady trickle of sales for the rest of my life provided the platforms remain and so long as I keep working and can generate interest in the series, not just when I have funds to pay for physical copies to sell. The one-time (in theory) cost of $75 to distribute through Ingram gets paid off pretty quick that way. And it doesn't require the same logistics as doing the popup/crowdfund.

Ultimately, it comes down to what you are capable of but also the type of work you’re doing. If you’ve got an extended network of fellow creatives who will back you or you’ve got a large following elsewhere, doing it like a popup might work for you.

If you’re an exhausted burnout who can’t fathom the short but intense amount of organization that sort of thing requires, not to mention doing it over and over and over... Ehhhhh. No thank you.

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rekino2114 · 3 months ago

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Hmm, how about Asa mitaka being asked out on a date by one of her male classmates. And she overprepares like she did with Denji, though this time it goes better cause the Reader is an airhead that marches to the beat of his own drum, so he ends up dragging Asa to multiple different places and she ends up having fun.

First date with asa mitaka

Pairing:asa mitaka x male reader

A/n:I decided to do this in a non devil au cause my girl needs a break (sidenote but your relationship in this is literally the definition of black cat/golden retriever love. Just something I noticed)

I didn't realize i wrote this much until I reread it to color it but that should tell you how much I love asa and want her to be happy

Asa is an anxious person in general, especially in social situation and especially when it comes to romance. She never had a boyfriend and never really thought about having one, and she's very clueless to love as a result, so when one of her classmates (who she admittedly had a crush on too) asked her out on a date she freaked out incredibly hard.

Literally, every minor thing became a concern for her. What would she wear? Should she put makeup on? How much? Should she plan the date or leave that to you? Should she try flirting with you? (She quickly dismissed the last idea as she had no idea how to flirt, and it would make things awkward very fast)

She eventually figured out what she was gonna do and went to where she was supposed to meet you, which was a street near school. When she was there and didn't see you, her anxiety kicked in very fast. It felt like everyone was staring at her. Did you stand her up? This was probably all a prank, and she should have never accepted. After all, who would love someone like her? She was ready to go home and cry herself to sleep when a masculine voice interrupted her thoughts

"Asa! You came"

You quickly tackled her into a hug making the black haired girl blush intensely

"Y-Yeah obviously.....to be honest I thought you were gonna stood me up"

"Why would you think that? That's so rude I would never do that let alone to such a pretty girl"

Asa's cheeks basically caught on fire the moment she heard that and her brain struggled to think of a response

"T-thanks y-you look......h-handsome too"

"Aww thanks ok let's go now, we have a full day ahead of us, I promise you'll have a lot of fun"

"O-ok"

As soon asa answered, you held her hand and started dragging her around, which made her blush even more if that was possible

After a while, you two arrived where you wanted to go, which was an arcade.

"An arcade?"

"Yeah, you don't like it? I wanted to play some games with you but if you don't want to we can do something else"

"Oh no it's fine"

"Great let's go then"

You walked inside and started running around and looking at everything until you arrived in front of a cabinet and pointed at it

"Look they have DDR come on let's give it a try"

"Oh no I-I don't know how to dance"

"Neither do i, don't worry, you don't need to know how to dance to play, just step on the plates"

Asa started to think: if she said yes, there was the possibility she was gonna embarrass herself, but if she said no, then you would probably think she was boring and wouldn't like her something which she really didn't want to happen

"A-alright, I'll try"

"Great! I know you can do it"

You two started playing with asa actually having fun, the game was dumb but seeing you get so excited over getting a high score made her want to smile too, you eventually finished playing and continued going around

"*gasp* a claw machine! Do you want a plushie?"

"Oh no thanks, those things are a scam anyway"

You put your coin in before she even finished the sentence

"Come on it's fine, what kind of guy would I be to not get you anything, I'm a pro at this anyway"

"Whatever you say"

You spent.....way too much time and way too much money but eventually managed to get a cute plushie of a cat

"Yay!!! Finally"

As you grabbed it and held it to your date you quickly realized something

"O-oh sorry I never asked which plush you wanted.......do you like cats?"

"Yeah actually I love them"

"Oh thank god"

You gave asa the plushie and she spent a bit staring at it happily before turning to you

"If I may ask, why did you get me this in particular?"

"Well you just seem like a cat person, if that makes sense like your whole vibe screams I like cats"

"........is-is that a compliment?"

"Yeah I love cats, they're really fluffy and adorable"

Asa smiled and hugged the plushie tighter

"I agree, they're really cute"

".....you look cute when you smile"

"H-huh?"

"I mean you look cute in general but your smile is extra cute, it makes me happy to see you happy"

The black haired girl felt her heart flutter once more at your words

"T-thank you"

"Don't mention it, now let's go, the date is not over yet you know"

You two went (you dragged her) to a bunch more places to have fun, which asa actually did, which was a surprise to her because she usually felt more comfortable alone but in this instance she genuinely felt happy to have said yes when you asked her out, your positive attitude made her forget all about the worries she had before, she felt like she could just relax and have fun with you.

Eventually evening came and the date ended so you started walking asa to her home

"Ah that was great I had so much fun"

"Yeah me too........thank you"

"No thank you for accepting, I don't know what I would have done if you said no"

"......you cared this much about me?"

"Of course, you're so pretty and cute and fun to hang out with, I had a crush on you for the longest time, denji was pressuring me to ask you out for a while"

"Wow really? I-i just-it's still kinda hard to believe someone can like me like that"

"Don't say that, you're awesome asa and don't let anyone tell you otherwise not even yourself"

Asa felt like crying a bit, you actually loved her.......she had struggled with actually loving herself, the fact that someone else could say that to her with a smile on their face and with nothing but truth made her smile so brightly

"......thank you, thank you so much"

"It's nothing. Do you wanna take a selfie?"

"Hm?"

"I just wanna get something to remember this day. If we do actually become a thing, I would hate to have nothing of the first date with my amazing girlfriend"

"Y-yes alright"

"Great. Say cheeeeseee!"

You pulled out your phone and did a peace sign to the camera while making sure to get asa in the shot too, you saw her smile like she did earlier and you loved it

"This looks good, great smile, I'll keep it, but tell me if you want me to delete it ok? I'd hate for you to be uncomfortable because of me"

"Oh no it's alright"

"Amazing, oh hey isn't this your house?"

"Yeah it is, thanks for accompanying me"

"It's nothing soooooo.... second date when?"

Asa giggled at how enthusiastic you sounded

"I'll text you when and where"

"Great so we are having a second date"

"Of course, like I said, I had a lot of fun and would love to hang out with you again"

"Thanks so much, I'm really glad you think so"

You got close to asa and kissed her cheek which immediately got red, asa put her hand on the place you had kissed before looking back at her date who in the meantime was already walking away but turned back to wave at her

"See you at school tomorrow!"

Asa smiled before waving back at you

"Yeah see you"

#chainsaw man x reader #chainsaw man #chainsaw man 2 x reader #chainsaw man 2 #chainsaw man part 2 x reader #chainsaw man part 2 #x reader #asa mitaka x reader #asa mitaka #asa mitaka x male reader #x male reader #male reader

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nayatarot777 · 1 year ago

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how do men vs women view you? • pac reading

• pile one •

men

cards: 6 of swords, page of wands, 6 of coins

men see you as someone who isn’t afraid to move away from conflict or anything that stresses you out for the sake of your own mental peace. you don’t jeopardise that for nobody. and you also seem to be someone who is all about learning how to experience certain things in life - leading me to think that perhaps you’re the type to date multiple people, or just not limit yourself to one particular thing or person. you’re extremely balanced in the way that you think and the way that you practically live your life though. from the outside, you could seem quite bubbly or excitable. someone who has a passion for experiencing life - i’m also seeing that men could feel like you’re very passionate about helping the less fortunate too. you seem to be someone who’s extremely charitable with your money, your time, or something else that you practically give away. i’m also seeing that some of you could dress “freely” too, so this either means that you’re happy with your body to dress revealingly, or you’re extremely creative with how you dress and just wear whatever you feel like wearing. your dress sense could even be seen as quite childlike - but it works. you also seem quite adamant on learning thoroughly how to be independent by yourself. and i’m also seeing that men may feel as though you’re someone who makes shit happen in your own life. to the point where you’re able to help others and show others how to help themselves - “leading by example”.

women

cards: 4 of swords, page of cups, page of coins

3 out of 4 of the pages in the deck have come out, so you guys could be seen as a young person (because you actually are - like a teenager), or that’s your demeanour that you show. with men, the childlike nature is seen through any excitability, confidence, or self-assurance that you might have around them. with women, they view you as someone who’s very introverted and shy for some reason. but they also see you as someone who notices and recognises everything there is to notice in your environment - to the point where it could come as a surprise regarding how much you know and notice. you might get along with men easier than you do women, because i’m seeing that women view you as someone who may struggle with social anxiety or just something that prevents you from speaking much. they see you as someone who just sticks to yourself, really. however, you seem so happy in this solitude. women view you as someone who has realised what truly makes them happy, and you seem to be very emotionally open and helpful to those who you choose to open up to. but i’m feeling a distance between you and them that most women feel. even if you’re a woman yourself, you might be a tomboy or just feel like you don’t have much in common with most women who you meet. they do see you as a very sweet energy - calming too - but they feel like you’d rather be left alone. yk what i’m hearing? it’s probably the women who are really full-on in their first impressions. you may just be reserved but i’m hearing that the way that some women speak to you, or how they approach you may be just too forward and maybe even alike to love-bombing.

i feel you, pile one. there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just very grounded and stable by yourself. both men and women see how independent you are. men just appreciate it more, probably because they mainly observe you at first, i’m seeing. whereas women want to interact with you more perhaps, and when they don’t get the reaction that they like or want, they feel like you must either just be shy or really introverted. when you’re not in actuality. when other people grant you the space to show your personality and open up naturally, that’s when they’ll see the fun and excitable side to you.

thank you for reading, pile one. if you’d like a personal reading, check out my pinned post here for details

check out my patreon if you’d like, too

☺️🫶🏾

• pile two •

men

cards: judgement, 5 of wands, queen of cups

men view you as someone who is extremely aware of aspects of life that not many people experience for themselves. particularly creativity and knowing exactly what you want to create. it seems like you’re creating the life that you want under any circumstances, and you seem to be quite defensive when it comes to this. some men could view you as someone who’s quite combative too, and highly aware of when you need to assert your energy in order to defend yourself from another’s. you could get into a lot of ego clashes with men, and that’s because they feel as though you’re aware of way too much. you could also either have a lot of competition or a lot of men competing for you, but it seems like overall, you come across as very self-protective (especially protective over your emotional space, what you give emotionally, etc) around men. i’m seeing you fight off men who don’t live up to your standards 😂. because you know exactly what you want. you’re extremely attractive to men but there’s a resistance there - thanks to how protective you are over yourself. they also assume that you really prioritise self care and put it at the forefront of your life. you could work out a lot, take care of your appearance - whatever it is. i’m also seeing you keep yourself out of petty drama and ego conflicts due to being focused on finding the answers to something significant within your life. to men, you’re quiet and calm, but you’re also on your own particular path regarding what you want and how you’d like to express yourself. you don’t let petty, insignificant energies influence how you feel about yourself and your life path.

women

cards: 5 of cups, 10 of cups, 8 of swords

for some reason, women view you as someone who’s grieving the loss of someone/some people usually. and they also view you as quite insecure, lonely, or just someone who doesn’t want to be seen. with this 10 of cups, i’m hearing that a lot of women project onto you what they want you to feel like. they could actually project their fears and anxieties onto you. especially because there’s something significant about how sexually attractive you are to a lot of people. i feel like it makes a lot of women feel insecure within themselves. women could actually cause emotional loss in your life to put you into this 8 of swords energy. it’s like i’m seeing women view you as someone who is experiencing emotional loss in the middle of seemingly having a life that is ‘supposed’ to be emotionally fulfilling. for women who aren’t vindictive towards you, they could see you as someone who has almost anything that you could want, but you’re still not happy. or perhaps these are women who know that you’d rather just get rid of certain people around you, going back to the energy of wanting to be alone and not wanting to be seen. women could also feel like you try to hide your beauty - not due to not knowing your beauty - but because of the smoke and mirrors that people put up with you thanks to trying to get close to you because of it. women can definitely tell that you worry so much - but they might not understand why. again, i’m seeing women view you as the “dream” person but someone who for some reason is focusing on people from the past. or some type of guilt or shame. a lot of women feel like you’re doing yourself a disservice through the way that you seemingly downplay yourself.

thank you for reading, pile two. if you’d like a personal reading, check out my pinned post here for details

check out my patreon if you’d like, too

☺️🫶🏾

• pile three •

men

cards: knight of wands, strength, 7 of coins

you’re viewed by men as someone who has no fear. literally. you have a very strong and healthy ego and you seem to make hasty decisions - when you want something, you go after it. you don’t wait for anyone’s permission. you could also have very good control over your ego. i’m hearing that some men have seen you transform from someone who struggled with their impulsive actions to someone who can now control what they say and do. you don’t pop off as much 😂. you’re also very stubborn when you choose to invest your time and energy into something - you don’t give up. especially if it’s related to self development and improving yourself as a person. you’re extremely self-focused but in the best way possible. i’m hearing that you don’t give up on yourself at all. men can tell that you’re someone who wouldn’t fall victim to other people trying to tear you down very easily. at all. you’re focused on overcoming adversities that you face personally, and you’re completely interested in making something of yourself.you could be “more developed” than a lot of other people your age, in one way or another. i’m also seeing that men can see that you have no issue with setting something on fire if you no longer see the point or the value in continuing to invest in it. and once you make a decision, then that’s it. you don’t flip flop and you don’t change your mind 50 different times. you’re someone who also knows how to use whatever tools that you have available to your advantage. you take control over situations and you make shit happen in your favour - or for the sake of your own betterment.

women

cards: ace of cups, page of swords, 2 of wands

women view you as someone who knows how to direct your life according to what you think would give you emotional fulfilment. you think before you speak, and think about the decisions that you’re making extremely logically. especially when it comes to new connections that you have - either with them or with other people. women can tell that you listen to your intuition about people and you have no problem with deciding to switch up your behaviour or way of communicating if you feel like it’s necessary. i’m also hearing that they feel like you decide to spend your time extremely wisely. you could be the type of person who hates to feel like they’re wasting time. or you’re just extremely smart with who you invest energy into and how much. women can tell that you know how to make rational decisions based on what you intuitively know that you should do, whether the messages that you receive is something that you want to hear or not. you could also be someone who’s extremely curious about connecting with others though, but there seems to always be a boundary put up between you and new people (as there should be). i’m hearing that women may feel like you only associate yourself with people who are constantly taking steps to do the work on themselves and their life, meaning that you only associate yourself with people who are constantly changing or moving in some way. women seem to recognise that you don’t like being around stagnant people. regarding the women who you care about, you take into consideration their opinions and use them as guidance, and you also guide other women quite a lot too. especially when it comes to their emotional awareness and emotions in general.

thank you for reading, pile two. if you’d like a personal reading, check out my pinned post here for details

check out my patreon if you’d like, too

☺️🫶🏾

#psychic readings #tarot reading #pick a card #pac #divination #pick a photo #tarot #pick a picture #pac reading

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scrubbinn · 6 months ago

Text

Slime HRT Day 1: First Pages

I was told I should write down my experiences in this journal. I'm only really doing this because I was told I didn't have to share my writings with anyone except for emergencies, whatever that means. Today is the first day of my new life, and becoming something not human anymore.

I've seen a lot of social media about species HRT. I think it’s supposed to be “Human Removal Therapy”. There’s a lot of people online bashing it, and I'm sure someone is going to try and ban it eventually, but for right now it's pretty unrestricted. To be honest, I am fascinated by it. Becoming something inhuman seemed so, I don't know, cool I guess, but it felt distant, like it would never happen to me, or I'd be labeled a freak by my friends. It was only until my girlfriend brought it up in a passing conversation that I gained the courage to admit I was curious about it. She said I should go for it. The amount of joy I felt then and there was like a 20 ton weight had just exploded out of my chest, but in a good way! We spent the rest of the night talking about treatments and articles, I never felt so happy except then and there, to be seen like that.

My legs were shaking when I met with that doctor. I was told it was normal to be nervous, but it really felt like I was going to just have a breakdown the entire time we talked. There was a lot of psychological exams and way, WAY too much paperwork that basically said I was sure I would be happy and cool with going through with this process. The doctor was patient at least, though he was rude with how little he tried to hide the boredom of his job. Besides that, there was something about him that just made him feel like this was the last thing he wanted to do, the kind of man who’s a total pushover. We eventually got to the question I was dreading “what was I here for, what am I looking to be?” My voice just suddenly stop working right there. It's so funny how I saw an actual dragon on my way here and somehow my request seemed so much more ridiculous. That stupid doctor kept prying me to just tell him until my frustration surpassed my anxiety, and I was able to blurt out that I wanted to be a slime.

I don't know when or why, but I've always liked the idea of slimes. It's their fluidity I think. Being able to morph myself the way I want whenever I want. I mean, how can I trust I'll be happy with my body shape everyday when I can't even pick a favorite color. I spent so much time writing out my own ideas of how their biology worked, or creating a bunch of slime girls for stories I never finished writing. It took me a while to realize I wanted to be just like them, like how it took me a while to realize I wanted to be a girl too.

I thought I'd get laughed out of his office, I mean I've seen the photos and stories of people on slime HRT but it just felt different, like I was going one step too far, I was probably just super anxious, I felt so relieved when he just showed me a list of slime variants instead of laughing. There were so many different options on the list, slimes made of just gel, sap, wax, and there were so many different colors, but that was the problem, they all felt right, I wanted to be any of them.

It was so selfish to ask, but I needed to know if a slime that could change color was possible, or something that could truly transform into any kind of slime. He asked what I meant, if I was looking into becoming a shapeshifter. I shook my head no and said I wanted something like a chameleon. He took off his glasses and pinched his nose, like the weight of every request he ever had just hit him. We, kind of, argued for a while. Well it was him telling me all the different reasons it wouldn’t work or how some people had set up safe LED strips to become a slime strobe globe of different colors, but for some reason it was the one thing I didn’t want to budge on. The one thing I was certain I wanted was that I wouldn’t be certain about my final choice. I was actually ready to just punch this old man until he suddenly folded to my demands and told me he'd need time to make a new variant for something like that. Something about a membrane and chromatophores I think. He also stated, bluntly, that I still needed to pick the type of slime. Being able to switch from red to blue is one thing but there needs to be a base.

There were a lot of good options, to the point it took me an hour to go through everything and just think about it. I was probably pushing him a bit too close to his next appointment with how long I was searching through options. It certainly makes me wonder how anyone can just know the answer right away. Eventually I had to settle on one and chose the soap variant. I was told it wasn’t actual soap, but it smelled nice and helped deal with germs. I’m not a germaphobe but I like the idea of smelling nice all the time.

After that, I was told I would be contacted eventually when my medication was ready. The wait could be best be described as brutal. There were a lot of calls I made only for me to be told it wasn’t ready yet. I thought I got scammed, like I went to the wrong place and that quack doctor was just faking everything and I wouldn't ever get to be the real me. The most I got was a message once a month saying the research was going well, if I was lucky.

It was about a year when I got a call back from him, explaining that my medication was ready. I'll be honest, I thought he wouldn't have ever completed it and just stole $600 out of my bank account for a single appointment. I have it now though, a bottle of gel capsules. They taste awful, like shoving soap into my mouth, which makes sense thinking about it. Apparently I won't need to take my normal hormone medication after a bit. Which is good because it's really expensive to pay for both. I guess that concludes my thoughts on the first day. The doc wants me to keep writing down my physical changes but also that I write down my emotional state as well. I don't really get why that’s so important, but whatever, it’s the least I can do if I finally get to be the slime girl I always wanted to be. I can't wait to see how I turn out.

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Thank you for reading through this story. While I’m sure it’s obvious, this is a story inspired by @ayviedoesthings own Dragon HRT as well as @welldrawnfish Fish HRT. I’ve loved these stories ever since they first came out. But I never felt like I had a story of my own to write until I read @sandyca5tle own slime HRT. Please check out all these people’s stories if you haven’t already, and thank you to sandyca5tle for really lighting the fire in me that made me want to try my hand at this sort of thing. I have plans to continue this for a while, not sure how long it’ll be but I want to be able to write a new segment at least one post every one to two weeks. I hope you enjoyed this, and please let me know if you have any advice on how to improve my writing. Thank you so much for reading all this, seriously, it means the world to me.

#slime hrt #slime girl #species hrt #animal hrt #transgender #original writing #dragon hrt #fish hrt #fiction writing #gender fluid #monster girl

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dehemetera · 5 months ago

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Omg I can’t believe I am actually posting her. Pls enjoy my precious oc and her wardrobe

Below you can find all the head canons I wrote so far about her, the relationship she has with her squad and with the other significant captains/lieutenants of the Gotei 13

Mira Komamura

General head canons

‌originally from the 4th squad ( vet section) on her own request as she doesn't really like to throw hands.

was assigned to captain Komamura strict medical crew when almost no one knew about his real appearance; specifically, she was tasked with providing emotional support for Sajin's social anxiety.

‌”Captain!? How did you dare to hide that lovely snoot for such a long time?! "

yes, she was basically his emotional support puppy.

as it happens very often, Sajin grew fond for his emotional support puppy and decided to adopt her ( literally) as his brand new sister, then insisted to move her to the 7th.

western origins ( abuses this 🤌🏼 while talking ).

fav animal: humpback whale.

fav food: eats almost everything, watch your hands. Really, this girl is a few snacks away from being your best friend. But if she had to pick one, it'll probably be french fries, no dressing, just salt.

‌fav colour : cold hues in general, blue/green/ purple.

likes stars. Like a whole lot. You give her something with stars on, she's gonna love it. She hoards things with stars on it. She doodles them on everything at hand. When friends are sad, she scribbles a star on the palm of their hand.

‌" you're now under the sign of the good vibes star. You can now enjoy the rest of your day. You're welcome."

now imagine her doing this on Captain Zaraki's hand and Iba's cold sweats thinking how to tell the poor Sajin about his adopted sister's premature departure.

the good vibes star must work thou, cause Kenpachi just patted her head like she was a puppy and walked away. Iba thanked whatever god was listening at that moment.

sassy AF

sarcasm native speaker.

cracks 2.000.000 dirty jokes in between three regular words.

must focus not to drop inconvenient comments during each Captains/ lieutenant meetings.

looks like a black cat personality at the beginning.

turns into a weird dancing parrot when comfortable around someone.

has a ridiculous attention span.

world of the living connoisseur ( western side). Spent several decades studying it by living among living people.

terrible traditional swordsmanship skills.

got Jedi Lightsaber classes on Earth and actually developed a pretty efficient fighting style; ‌Iba is genuinely confused and slightly concerned about that but as long as it works...

likes to sing, not very good at that but still on the average ( usually makes silly dances while singing to underline the lyrics).

pretty skilled belly dancer ( which at some extent she uses in controlling her shikai) but definitely won't dance in public cause she's too shy for that .

very body positive about other people, excessively critic about her own body.

very good painter. She mostly paint with her hands (" advanced kindergarten art skills") but could also use sponges, pieces or paper or rags, leaves, basically everything but a brush;‌most of the times she just likes to make little silly doodles.

then she turns those doodles into stickers and spread them across the seireitei.

Byakuya Kuchiki knows the Shinigami women's association held a secret meeting in his mansion when he finds small stickers with sassy quotes around the house.

take her to the water park; She just loves it.

beach girl

just loves to hang out in the water

‌of course this is the perfect excuse for captain Hirako to make jokes about her liking to be wet

she never denied the statement. 👍🏼

excellent resistence to alcohol. Hard to get drunk.

when that does happen though, she just unleashes all the power or her sass/ sarcasm/ unhinged comments

this usually leads to pretty amusing express stand up comedy shows where she eventually ends up oversharing something she would've preferred to keep for herself

pretends not to remember anything if the topic is pointed out the day after

About the 7th squad

she was gladly welcomed as lieutenant by almost all the soldiers due to her sincere support towards former Captain Komamura

Those affectionate soldiers appreciate her chill attitude prone to jokes and fun as a good balance to Iba’s serious demeanour

She introduced music during workouts and trainings. Music from the west, of course

Now witness the fierce 7th brigade soldiers casually humming Bad Romance while doing their daily chores.

Since Mira’s office is the coziest and most decorated once, Iba started throwing Shinigami Men’s Association meetings inthere

For Iba’s birthday, Mira decided to gift him a new HQ for his meetings by renovating an old, unused warehouse in the barracks, asking Ikkaku some help to edible and renovate the old furniture

Connections

Sajin Komamura : regardless of his full on canine appearance he is still officially her brother by previous adoption. Mira still takes good care of him, she has the most luxurious dog bed in her office for him to stop by. She also got him one of those speaking buttons board humans give their dogs to communicate.

Tetsuzaemon Iba : is definitely like a dad. All of their interactions have the warm yet bickering feeling of a father/daughter dynamic, including: communication issues, dad being jealous and over protective of his precious daughter when men buzz around, not understanding slangs. Mira signed up for Iba’s fan club to show support to her dad.

Shunsui Kyoraku : calls her Mira-chan and likes to invite her to drink together. He pays great attention to her drunken monologues as they’re usually pretty straightforward and accurate analysis of the current state of the Seireitei. He definitely trusts her guts and intuition in picking up the overall morale of the squads. Mira also signed up for his fan club ‘cause he’s the big boss and deserves support. Nanao Ise firmly oppose this.

Rose Otoribashi: is the only one whom has ever seen Mira dance. They sometime shares music afternoons with Rose playing music and her using it to practice her dance. They have a very respectful and delicate bond revolving on mutual arts appreciation.

Izuru Kira: it took them some time to get along due to Kira being really private person. Now they’re kinda cool about each other and Mira often tries to cheer him up telling him the whole hole in the chest thing is metal AF.

Shinji Hirako: this man bribed Mira in joining his fan club by offering her a bag of weed infused gummy bears. It worked. They operate at the highest level of shenanigans and communicate almost exclusively by flirting. Bombastic side eyes darting across the captain’s council room during meetings when they know the other one would be just about dropping the sassiest sh*t that would cost them the career. Regularly hangs out together both in the Soul Society and on Earth. Part of their flirt jokes revolves around the fact they would gladly date each other (but never actually did that).

Momo Hinamori: was the first to show Mira support when she was promoted to lieutenant. Therefore, Mira loves this girl and brings her gifts, treats and loves spending time together for a tea time. They share a heavy betrayal trauma and do their best to support each other in their healing journey.

Renji & Rukia: if Iba is her dad, Renji is her bro and Rukia is the sister in law you actually like more than your own brother. The three of them have a weekly “world of the living pop culture” themed night to binge watch series and movie marathons. Burping competitions between Mira and Renji are mandatory and Rukia is the judge.

Matsumoto Ranjiku: these two can love and hate each other depending on the mood and the topic. Sometimes they look like besties laughing together and mutually complimenting , ten minutes later they’re fighting over something, usually Matsumoto habit of exploiting men using her beauty.

Kenpachi Zaraki: these two really get along for reasons. Mira actually feels safe around him cause who would ever dare to fuck around close to him? She also thinks he’s illegally hot but never dared to voice that, not she would ever try to approach him with intentions. She just likes to fantasize about that amazing mass of wonder. On Kenpachi’s side, he likes to have a new brat messing around him without being scared, it feels heartwarming and nostalgic, sometimes feeds her the same candies he used to buy for Yachiru. Since Mira’s birthday is right after Kenpachi’s, she usually shows up at the 11th barracks with a cake to share to celebrate both their birthdays.

Ikkaku Madarame: for the better time they’ve been knowing each other, he just passively tolerated her, enjoying her little shows from time to time but never payed too much attention to the new lieutenant of the 7th squad. Then Mira came to ask his help in renovating the warehouse for Iba’s birthday gift and since the process took quite some time, they had the chance to spend time together, getting to know each other during those long crafty nights of recycling furniture. He is now heavily crushing on her and gets a little shaky and mildly flustered when she’s around, with Yumichika largest amusement. Mira has always appreciated her fellow colleague and was glad to have the chance to build up some kind of relationship with him but she’s genuinely confused by his friendly yet shifty and sometimes awkward behaviour towards her (she’s not good in getting the hint).

Yumichika Ayasegawa: oh the tea they spill. They don’t meet very often but when they do the amount of information they share can compete with the finest Seieitei’s intelligence. Sometimes they go shopping together. Yumichika tries his best to create opportunities for Ikkaku to be there when Mira comes over.

If you managed to read this far, thank you 💕

Some captains/ lieutenants are missing to the list but I already have them written, maybe I will add them in some future post.

Definitely expect more drawings about Mira’s adventures. I have more on the making (like about her zampakuto and other stuff.

I hope you enjoyed this little piece of my imagination,

✨comments, reblogs and likes are appreciated ✨

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