#it's a weird thing to experience as an adult bc it is such a blurry line and when u spend time

[inkskinned]

she says he won't let her get a dog, which is fine, because they're in an apartment, and that's the kind of thing people say about their partners. he won't let me get a dog. and you're at a dinner party and you tilt your head a little to the side just like that dog he won't let her get, because is this the thing that's going to upset you? you don't know every corner of their relationship, she could be joking, they could have had so many healthy conversations about the dog, right, and maybe she's not letting herself get the dog because of money and time and whatever. but, like, she did say let

and she wants to move away from his hometown and he wants to stay and then he tells you with a wink and a conspiratorial stage whisper don't worry i'll convince her and she laughs about it - so clearly this is something they laugh about. but you do just stand there and stare at him like what the fuck, man. you can't say what you want to say which is why do you get the final say on everything because they're both obviously aware of the other person's stance on this and have obviously had private conversations about it and what are you going to do about it except make a scene and then he'll be mad at you and call you one of those bitches behind your back and she'll cut you off, which is a loss that doesn't feel worth it just because he makes you a little skeeved out every 3rd comment

and they both agree he just isn't the type to get flowers which is fine because everyone shows love differently, and are you really gonna judge someone based on their sense of individual relationship responsibility? maybe he's constantly cleaning her car and writing her poems and making her furniture or something. maybe she doesn't even like flowers and this is perfect, actually. and no you couldn't date him, obviously, ew; but like, she tells you she's happy. you almost send her a tiktok that says don't be 25 and the cool girl that doesn't need anything, you'll hate not getting flowers at 30, but that's like, starting drama & you shouldn't start drama needlessly.

and you're a little older than her but not so much older you can pull the whole trust me on this one babe thing and besides that wouldn't have worked anyway (when does it ever) and besides you have trauma so you and your therapist both agree that you're always looking for a problem even when there isn't one. and you tell yourself that just because you see them for 15 minutes every month does not mean you can identify every single red flag based on a single shitty half-joking(?) comment

and besides, what are you going to do? she says i actually wanted another stand mixer but thankfully he stops me when i'm about to spend too much money and you're standing there like are you okay? is this normal? is this just something people say? and again - what are you going to do?

to your therapist you try to language it - it's not, like, any of my business. but sometimes, doesn't it feel like - you should do something. there's got to be something, right? you've tried dropping little hints but they sail right through and you've tried having a single serious conversation and she got upset because why does it matter to you, yes it's different but we're happy, it doesn't need to make sense to you and you're like. really unwilling to push a boundary about it anymore; because the truth is that you know logically it shouldn't matter to you, as long as both parties are happy.

and besides, you've been wrong before. it's just... like, every time you see them both, something else happens, some kind of shiver down your spine like do you even hear each other when you talk. it's their strange, bickering orbit. just the way he's on his phone through dinner or watching sports instead of helping in the kitchen or, fuck, another one of these little throwaway comments he makes about we'll see about that, babe. she laughs when he calls her passions stupid shit and meanwhile she gets him tickets to see the knicks and he tells you well at least she's smart about something and still! it's none of your business.

you say get the dog anyway and she laughs. like, this is is you being funny. and not you saying - no really. get the dog. get the dog and get out of here. pack up and start running.

[souvenirsofsurgery]

monty’s horror movie list

no one follows me for this but i’m back in my horror movie obsession era so here we go. some of them are good, some of them are bad (but I love them), and some of them are kind of unacceptable, like, morally tbh, I’m sorry

anyway, in no particular order:

mother!: I just watched this one today so it’s on my mind. get ready to be stressed out by deeply uncomfortable social situations for like, the first hour and a half and then genuinely disturbed for the last twenty minutes. i finished this and then sat in my room mouthing “what the fuck, what the fuck”. v good, 10/10

Orphan: What if you adopted a kid but they sucked?

Absentia: I was really impressed, cause this was like a low-budget, crowd funded movie but it’s so so good. This one is about a woman whose husband went missing years ago, a creepy tunnel, and family relationships. V quiet and sad

Possum: Not very much happens in this movie for a long time but the atmosphere is so good, and it’s genuinely creepy. The ending also made me so uncomfortable I almost couldn’t watch it, so there’s that

The Wolf House: Incredible unsettling stop-motion animation, and I’m a sucker for good animation. Makes more sense if you know a little Chilean history, but it’s interesting even without that context

Amityville: It’s About Time: Jumping right from that foreign arthouse film into cheesy schlock, what if a clock made people evil and fucked up?

Hell House LLC: More! Schlock! This is a fake documentary/found footage movie about people trying to make a haunted house in an old hotel... but what if it was haunted for real??

Host (the 2020 shudder original): Unfriended if it was good

Hereditary: Made me sad :( This was one of the first movies to genuinely scare me in a while, and my sister-in-law won’t even let anyone talk to her about it. The story about a family dealing with grief and complicated relationships is also just so interesting to me, this one’s in my top 10

Anything for Jackson: Reverse possession movie: they try to put a spirit IN someone! Hell yeah. So many good, weird ghosts in here, I love some good, weird ghosts

13 Ghosts: (the early 2000s remake) Speaking of good weird ghosts. What if your estranged uncle died and left you a house but there was a ghost jail in the basement? I just rewatched this movie with my little brother and remembered how much I love it. Very schlocky, Matthew Lillard’s acting is off the fucking walls and I love it, why does he act like that??

Kindred: One of the only “is it in her head, or is it real?” movies where I actually really wasn’t sure. It’s about a woman whose husband dies right before she’s about to give birth, so she ends up staying with his family and slowly starts to question their motives

Parents: What if you were just a little kid and you started to suspect your parents were eating people?

Basket Case: I’m not crying over a B movie, I’m not crying over a B movie. In this one, two conjoined twins are surgically separated against their wills, with one of them getting thrown in the trash. As adults, they start hunting down the doctors who did it to them

The Poughkeepsie Tapes: Very depressing fake documentary about a serial killer. Just fucked up and sad

The Taking of Deborah Logan: One of the few found footage movies that I think is actually good. A small documentary crew goes to film a woman and her aging mother who’s suffering from dementia, but they start to think that... huh, maybe this is something a little worse than dementia...

Ju-On: The Grudge (the original Japanese one): this movie just freaks me out, I don’t like how Kayako moves around, I don’t like the sounds she makes, and I don’t like her weird little son

The Ring (the American remake): I saw this movie when I was like 8 bc someone recorded it over the Willy Wonka VHS I’d gotten from the thrift store, and I’ve been fucked up ever since. In it, a woman sees a cursed tape that will make you die in seven days, and has to try and figure out how to save herself before then. GREAT atmosphere, very creepy

Sadako Vs Kayako: What if the girl from the Grudge and the girl from the Ring fought each other? Hell yeah. Plus, love that a ghost hunter comes to help with the situation and he’s got a random mean little girl with him. People are like “why is she here?” and he’s just like “she’s my associate” okay?? Where did she come from??? I’m obsessed with this movie

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: A classic. Rancid, nasty atmosphere, just feels gross, 10/10 

Society: Rich people suck so so bad and are very fucked up

House of 1000 Corpses: I love this movie and I’m sorry, its just some disgusting, campy fun. Like, what if your car broke down the night before halloween and ended up in a house with some terrible (but very entertaining) people?

Oculus: The idea of being a little kid, stuck in the house while your parents are slowly losing it, or potentially being possessed by something evil, is really scary to me. This movie does it so well. It moves back and forth from the main characters going through that in their childhoods, to them as adults, back in the house where it happened, and it’s so so good

Hellraiser: You tell me it’s about the blurry line between pleasure and pain and I watch it. The designs for the cenobites are so good. I like this first one a lot, but I also really enjoy the second one bc the torture dimension looks like MC Escher designed it and it’s sick as hell

The Others: This is one of my favorite, like, classic haunted house kind of movie. A mother keeps her kids inside an old mansion, with all the curtains drawn, because they have an illness that means they can’t go in the sunlight. Very, very creepy

The Blair Witch Project: This one just feels so real, I’ve never seen another found footage movie that reached this level. The actors knocked it out of the park, how am I so freaked out just by a couple of people wandering around the woods? It’s the blueprint, honestly

A Nightmare on Elm Street: You guys know this one, he gets you in your dreams! Probably my favorite of the classic slashers, I love some good old practical effects. my brother actually just bought me the WHOLE box set for my birthday so I’m gonna start working though the ones I haven’t seen yet 

Jennifer’s Body: What if your best friend, who you have a very homoerotic relationship with, started eating dudes? Iconic. No, but seriously, this movie has a lot more going on than you might think 

House of Wax (the 2000s remake): Bad, but so good. It’s really got that uncanny valley thing going on, love that fucked up wax museum

Ichi the Killer: Pretty unacceptable, I can’t in good conscience tell you to watch this movie, but it’s definitely an experience. Very very very violent, like super violent, but in the wildest fucking ways. Basically, what if you were a masochistic Yakuza member with a weird joker mouth and you just wanted a sadistic vigilante to beat the absolute shit out of you? Anyway, I think there’s something wrong with Takashi Miike and probably also me

Black Christmas: This is one of the og og slashers. It’s about girls getting killed in a sorority house, but surprisingly it’s like, not really an exploitation film, and I really like the characters. Good, unsettling killer, too

The Baby: WEIRD. Weird and uncomfortable. I’m not trying to kink shame anyone when I say this, but it’s probably definitely a fetish thing. In it, a social worker takes on the case of a family with an adult son who they’re claiming has the mind of a baby. This one’s probably kind of unacceptable too, to be honest with you

[branzycrafted]

that syscourse post just came up on our recommended which i find so ironic bc i read the post saying littles shouldnt have social media while scrolling through my own social media account as a little like. oh. ok.

its such a weird take like. i had to be the host for a while so it was fine for me to be in high school and working a job, but not to be online? like? i drove us to school at 6am but i cant look at #webkinz on tumblr?

and not to mention like. if we see dangerous things, we switch. and even if we cant switch, i can deal with it enough to block them or get the post off our dash. even if im small i still live in an almost adult system and i still understand what the brain understands and know some of what the brain knows, and that includes stuff like curse words ill see online and what tags i should block so i dont see weird things. if im ever fronting "alone," austin is usually there by default so theres still an adult alter to help if i need it, and if he isnt or if its too blurry, i was still a host and had to have times where i took care of myself and protected myself otherwise we wouldnt have gotten by during the time i was our host. and when im like smaller i have like an army of people who adopted me as their younger sibling (/hj) to monitor anything that we come across online, and theyre all adults/older people and most of them are protectors whos focus on fronting with me is to keep my spaces safe.

like. even the syskids that act like real children like toby and like me half the time, our brain has still seen what its seen and knows what it knows, we wont like discover bad stuff through social media, we were traumatized to be here and know bad stuff exists bc we went through it. and we know how to handle ourselves to survive and to function, i wouldnt have been a host if i couldnt do that. theres syskids with multiple roles and syskids who are hosts and syskids who are older or agesliders and syskids who are protectors and syskids who just know how to take care of the system, and in general, syskids arent like singlet kids in the sense that we have the lived experience of an older person and the brain of an older person. a 6 yr old singlet didnt go to highschool, i did, i can handle myself online and talk to people like im older even if im not bc our brain is still older than me and at the end of the day its also my brain. im a kid, but im not helpless. it would be more dangerous for null to be online than it would for me, or for bug despite them being an adult. an alter's vulnerability and capability has nothing to do with age.

they were so confident like it was such a hot take and such a good cool thing like it was so profound but it was so not. like. literally not at all

-🌼

(I hope you don't mind me answering like this let me know otherwise!!)

YEAH!!! Literally I saw that and was like "Well I literally know of child alters who don't act like little kids like you apparently think they all do", they were so confident in their take and the replies were like lol you're so wrong

We have adults in-sys who have been more vulnerable than the children sometimes???? It's so not about age?????? And again it's REALLY bold to go out and claim that every system ever that lets their littles/syskids touch social media is an idiot and not keeping them safe. Cause that also is So Wrong!! As far as I know we've had syskids on social media to some degree while actively being with someone that was watching over them??

Also!! Body age goes above alter age!! That goes both ways, it goes for adults in minor-bodied systems and minors in adult-or-almost-adult-bodied systems or whatever. A 9 year old in a system that's like 20 bodily would not at all be on the same level as a singlet 9 year old—

I recall one reply saying they should replace it with "vulnerable alters" if anything and yeah I to some extent agree, like still not necessary 100% true but it's better than just broadly saying littles/syskids. Literally just,, any alter considered vulnerable can do whatever it's just that they should have someone with them to keep them stable or safe or vice versa.

And again I think it's so hypocritical how they said "let the kids live" but were actively making a point that would not be "letting the kids live" cause like you said if you wanna go on social media to look at webkinz you should be allowed to, that's literally "letting the kids live", letting them look at things that bring them some kind of happiness or comfort. "Let the kids live but actually don't just coop them up in headspace cause they're oh so unsafe otherwise" lol

Grrrr child alter can literally work a job but can't go on social media to look at content relating to a kid's game >:((( WE'RE HERE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA BUDDY LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE

[thejudgingtrash]

I wanna hear the Dom/sub discourse!!! Also love ur blog :) (I personally am a proponent of dom percy just bc I like that idea but I’d love to hear yours!!! I didnt even know there was discourse!) love to hear your thoughts and again super cool blog!!!! :’)

* ALSO WOULD LIKE TO CLARIFY IF IT WASNT ALREADY ESTABLISHED BUT ONLLLLLLY IF THEY ARE LIKE IN THEIR OLDER 20S!!!! ppl doing that in the context of teens is *gross* (previous anon who sent in the ask before) :)

Oh! Thank you for the compliments. I’m still not used at being so visible now to people 🥺😥😅

Good that you’ve added your points because that essentially brings down my issues with this whole spiel. I guess I’m going to play the other card. My main issues with this whole thing are:

A) the fandom sexualizing kids

B) people not understanding that looks/behavior in or outside of a (romantic) relationship don’t necessarily have to correlate with sexual behavior, especially when powerplay is involved

Of course Percy is easier to grasp for us. We have five whole books where we hear his every thought, follow his every move and think we get to know him (that automatically makes Percy not a reliable narrator, just saying).

For every book quote that puts Percy into the „Dom“ slot, there’s also a book quote that would be fitting for Annabeth (the dance from TTC comes to my mind). I can see both going either way. Despite them having mostly different personalities (Percy internalizing his thoughts and motives, whereas Annabeth is doing rather the opposite), they are very similar when it comes to leadership and end goals. Annabeth can range from emotional to bossy in a similar way Percy does. They just express themselves on different levels and get seen by outsiders in different ways.

Did you catch that? Did you see the hypocrisy that I just committed? We are using book quotes to justify placing characters that are in that context and in overall canon minors/teens/essentially fucking children in sexualized categories. Tbh, as much flag as you can give Riordan, I can’t blame him for blocking people who do this. Not every author is a fan of fanfiction and fan theory and what not.

People throwing these BSDM terms around without a second thought makes me cringe (tbh, I’m too lazy to explain the psychology of power play and kinks in that regard, just know that the instigator is not automatically the top/dom and there are many, many, many layers in a pp relationship). You cannot base sexual behavior from the canon itself. We know nothing about Percy and Annabeth in that regard to even justify the slightest. Ripping actions out of context to give them a label doesn’t work like that so easily unfortunately.

The only way to settle this question for once and all would be by simply doing this:

The whole debate that happened months/weeks ago (quarantine makes everything blurry in my memory) was just fucking stupid?

Imagine being a 15 year old, anxious, frightened girl. You’ve been deeply traumatized since you’ve been seven years old, you’re scared to death because you have a crush on your best friend and think he might perish (newsflash: of course you as the reader can foreshadow that in that context the series goes on. The characters can’t as they lack that specific insight. Percy didn’t have to wind up dead in the books, but he could have been severely mutilated, gone missing (guess he did later), bruised, etc. apart from his mental struggles. The super power part is essentially the only thing that’s keeping him alive), you give him a kiss because you’re too shy to admit your feelings for him and he’s being an awkward cheeky bastard before looking for a fight and then some adult asshole has the caucasity of calling you a bratty sub. Literally what.

Some anon (or a group of anons, don’t know which) contacted a bunch of people with that Dom!Percy and Sub!Annabeth stuff. Anon, Liebste, homegirl, my love, mija, if you see this please slide into the DMs because whaddefuck? Your thought process hotdamn. Where did you pick this up? Let’s be open about this discussion. You didn’t go from A to B, you went from A to Z and robbed Jeff Bezos on the way out. I mean what???

People using canon to justify their headcanons is simply something I can’t get behind in this matter. The main issues is that they are children/teens/minors in canon. There is no way around it. Trying to justify/back up some of your thoughts in that regard with actual quotes only makes it worse because you aren’t only sexualizing them in your fanon, but you are also automatically transferring these thoughts to the actual books and thus fore sexualizing them in canon. You’re changing the basis and narrative.

I honestly don’t get the obsession that some have with their teenage sex life? This isn’t a personal attack on people but I’ve seen this throughout several group chats and social media platforms like Twitter, Reddit, Pinterest even and of course Tumblr. And popular stuff like Riverdale, Euphoria, 13 Reasons Why and New Adult Twilight rip-offs á la Shades of Grey and that Harry Styles fanfic honestly don’t help with the portrayal of „curious“ teens.

This also isn’t a strict PJO phenomenon, it happens across all fandoms. The odd trend with sexualizing kids/teens or things intended for kids has been going on for ages. I get it, you grow out of the related audience but that doesn’t justify the means? Canon won’t change simply because you do.

Percy and Annabeth are awkward teens that have never dated anyone else and had barely half a year between pjo and hoo before getting caught up in another mess. I’m not saying that teens aren’t curious and don’t experiment, some do drugs and/or have sex (let’s be real the probability of something happening in the stable scene in MOA is very high) but still? Putting dom/sub labels on them is sketchyyy. Also throw your fucking sex god headcanons out of the motherfucking window. They are 17-ish, if you need the mental image of some weird kids flopping on top of each other for two whole minutes for some odd reason, good for you but I’m side eying the fuck outta you.

You can’t really blame Riordan for not being more explicit. A) the series is for middle schoolers (aka kids), so it’s not strictly Young Adult and there’s only so much you can do B) publishers/editors interfering is a thing (especially with society’s views of sex = bad and violence = just fine) and c) the probability of sexualizing the characters of his own creation in that sense might have made him uncomfortable. Better to play safe, than end up with a bigger mess, just saying. I’m all for the sex talk in a non-berating, (slightly) educational approach when it comes to that in non-adult literature. Or even just stating a sex scene in a mere sentence. (Karen M. McManus did an amazing job with portraying struggling teens with a right approach in One of Us is Lying. Stating it or making it very, very, very clear between the lines. Then again, not everyone can pull that off or wants to go in that direction).

In addition to that, seeing stuff like the infamous ”the sea doesn’t like to be restrained“ or ”Percy has handsome features which shifted from humor to anger“ quotes getting constantly shredded is so… Meh. One simple question: what does Percy having a mean resting bitch face to do with his sexuality/sexual behavior? What does him being annoyed and on the moodier side have to do with it? For me absolutely nothing. The correlation isn’t really clear and out there. Pissed Percy doesn’t translate into Percy automatically being the dominant (in Percabeth’s sex life)?

I mean I get it. We all grow up. Erotica is a wonderful genre and art form (if you waddle through the trash). You will never be able to get that out of fiction and fanfiction. That’s also neither my goal nor my place to decide. As cheap and stupid as it is, I’d rather have people intentionally aging the characters up and stating their headcanons in that regard rather than people attempting to abuse canon where the characters are minors in order for sexualizing them. There’s no good way to prevent this from happening unfortunately (unless you really want to abolish all explicit fanon stuff).

Whenever you post a sexy headcanon just hold on for a second. If you have abstract future headcanons sure, go ahead, personally don’t see a problem with that. But if you use source material to fixate your thoughts on minors in canon to give them sexual labels… I urge you to seriously rethink that.

Stop sexualizing minors. Please. Pretty please.

Peace

[moonstonediaz]

you definitely don't have to answer this (like, at all) but i was wondering if you got your mri results back? i know from experience that it can take ages to speak to a neuro after, dep. on where you live, but since you mentioned yours thought it could be m.s. i just wanted to say - as someone who has m.s. myself - that i hope it ISN'T m.s., but also if it IS i am rooting for you ♥

hey! i have a habit of over sharing (it’s my toxic trait ��️) so no issue on that front. i’m actually surprised i never posted about it after the fact lmao.

so, my MRI was normal! my dove, i’m not sure i could ever imagine living with MS. i’m sending you love and light and warm hugs if you like hugs 💙

idk if i told the whole story before, but i’ll tell it now! under the cut just in case it gets long and boring

tldr: it did 🙂

SO. my symptoms began seemingly out of nowhere in august of 2021. it started at work while i was sitting at my desk. my head started pounding—not like a headache, it was throbbing, like my brain felt like it was swelling in my skull—it was pulsing in time with my heartbeat, the sound of my pulse/blood rushing through my veins filled my ears, i felt unbalanced (still in my chair) and vision in my right eye went blurry. it lasted for maybe 10-15 seconds and then it went away. i though “huh. that was fuckin weird” and went about my day. it happened four more times that day.

it took me two months to see my doctor about it. during those months my “episodes”, as i began to call them, only increased in frequency. they went from about 3-4 times a day to about 8-10, still only lasting about 15 seconds each time. once the episode would end, everything was back to normal. but i began to develop new symptoms too. my hands and feet would get tingly, the initial blurriness in my right eye went to complete black, and i started to get really, truly, honestly dizzy. i emphasize this because anytime i would explain my symptoms to people, they’d immediately try to tell me i was dizzy and i WASNT. until i was. one day when i was at my desk, an episode started. and i can’t really explain it but all i could think was “i need to get up.” so i tried going to the bathroom and nearly ate carpet after about 4 steps. i had to sit on the floor until it passed.

i know what you might be thinking: tiffany, you waited two months before seeing someone about this? and listen, i don’t hate doctors but i certainly don’t like going to see someone when i only have vague ways of describing my symptoms. at least at the time all i had were vague descriptors like “idk i feel unbalanced and wobbly” and “i can HEAR my BLOOD in my EARS” and “my head throbs in time with my heartbeat but it ISNT a headache. it doesn’t HURT”

so i went to my regular GP and he decided to run an ekg on me right then and there. (my heart is fine! blood pressure is fine! all healthy in that regard) and then he said it sounded like it could be migraines (insert worlds biggest eye roll here) and then he said “you know, i don’t like throwing these words around bc it puts you in a bad mindset but it could be a tiny brain tumor or it could be a symptom of MS or any number of things. i’m going to refer you to neuro.”

(small backstory here: i saw a neurologist in 2017 for migraines. we did an mri and it was clear (“you seriously need to get a copy of your scan. this is a perfect brain. i’d frame this if i were you” - my neuro at the time. he was completely serious. no i never got the scan lmao) anyway, we discovered that my migraines were due to a reaction to diary. who! knew! regardless of this, i’ve dealt with headaches in some form my entire adult life. i’ve had migraines, ocular headaches, sinus headaches, headaches from lack of caffeine, regular ol’ headaches. just. headaches.)

he sends me to a different neuro at the same office because “he’s good! i’ve worked with him before!” so i’m like whatever i’ll give it a shot. immediately on the first visit he said “migraines” and i wanted to demand my copay back. but i decided to hear him out. no way they were giving me my $50 anyway. so he put me on a medicine that gave me severe dry mouth and didn’t help any of my symptoms. so i had to go back and get put on a different medicine. and that didn’t work and i had to go back and get on a different medicine. and that didn’t work and i had to go back and get on a different medicine. and that didn’t work and i had to go back and get on a different medicine. at that point, he raised his fists and cried out “why couldn’t you just be textbook?!” and i’m like “tell that to my bank account, friend!” so he’s like maybe? this ISNT? MIGRAINES? 😳 wow. novel concept. that’s when he started throwing out names of stuff like POTS (tested for it. not it.) and lhermitte’s phenomenon (close! i guess?) and MS.

when he said MS my heart stopped and my eyes lit up. because while i absolutely did not want it to be MS, if it was then at least we had an answer. not to mention MS came up almost every time i googled a symptom. so that’s when he scheduled the MRI. i paid the damn $1100 (relieved it was this low actually) and stoically went to the hospital because i’m a big girl and can go to the hospital alone 😖 and had my 45 minute long MRI. my hands were numb the entire time and when i asked the tech if that was normal she said “oh……………uh. no?” and that was that! *insert clip of me driving home on a sunny day happily sipping my treat-myself-smoothie to the tune of 1976 Hall & Oates classic “Rich Girl”*

this was on a friday so i didn’t get my results until monday. i wasn’t nervous or anything. i had actually forgotten all about it (intuition, man!) until they called on monday. “your scan was normal” was all they said. i expected to feel relief, but i was even more dejected than i was during the trial-and-error of pills. no medicines were helping at all. my scan was normal. no one knows what’s happening to me. back at square one.

and that’s where my story ends! i’m still having symptoms (my episodes are about 45-60 seconds long now, but happening less frequently. and my vision during an episode went back to just blurry!) but i stopped seeing the doctor. $50 specialist copays add the fuck up and it’s hard to justify when i know he’s just going to throw more pills at my head and hope he never has to see me again bc i’m the meDiCaL mYsTeRy

the only other thing i’ve been able to come up with that it could possibly be is “idiopathic intracranial hypertension” and that is only helped with, you guessed it, more pills! i probably should have seen him one more time for a follow up after the MRI. i really should have. and i still can! i just don’t know. idk what i want to do. ignoring it does nothing, but neither does addressing it. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🥲🙃

[sakkac]

i had a dream about the guy who groomed me and fuck it was detailedddd like, usually my dreams are blurry in an almost artistic way for some reason? and ive only dreamed about this person two or three times when i actually was in contact w him. but the recent dream we were our current ages, both adults, and in a minimalist apartment together. i was sat in the bathtub and he was looking over me, asking if i wanted him to wash my hair and i kept refusing, insisting we chat instead, bc the dream me remembered how he would sweeten me up w words like this, yet i had wanted neither to give into or ignore him completely.

it felt like the dream lasted for hours and i recalled thinking about was how much deja vu i was getting from him, even tho i couldnt see his face. just his mouth, his unchanging smile. when i spoke to him in the past, i always imagined he was smiling at me, not bc he enjoyed it but bc we were both upholding facades in a way. in the dream, he was like i missed you so much. i tried to tell him how much he hurt me and how some of me cant move past that, and he would apologize but it would feel empty, and he’d repeat he missed me again. and i would think like how weird it was that im lonely enough to tolerate him and his toxicity…. but at the same time, again i didnt think abt leaving completely. it was like, ik his was a fake love but it was a love, but also: it’s just a dream, one of us will leave soon enough. i woke up twice during the dream and went back to sleep just to return to the bathtub again. in my other dreams, if i want to hold onto them, they rarely stick the way i want them to, but this dream stayed intact the whole time orz

i put some trust into what my dreams say abt me, but this one… :/ i think this happened bc 1 i miss my old best friend, and 2 i recently reunited w someone who was close to and was also a victim of this groomer; we bonded over alike personalities and circumstances, and had a discussion abt him. ive been missing her too bc she’s busy rn. and last week, i came across some screenshots of sweet things he said to me in one of my photo cloud sites 😔 when i was looking over them, i didnt feel as pained or flighty as i did maybe a year or two ago, but they left a subtle weird feeling that, i guess, probably aided in creating this dream 😁💢

in the end i think this was something that was bound to happen, and it’s nice to reassess where i am w this experience.

[many-but-one]

Personally I feel like the lines between DID and OSDD-1b can be blurry at times. I have a system friend who is prof dx'd DID but she never leaves front fully. If another alter fronts, she co-fronts. She has VERY LITTLE amnesia. This is because of trauma that happened in adult life and so she is required to remain in front all the time. Her diagnosis hasn't been changed, but what she really experiences is something more along the OSDD-1b line now. And I am also someone with DID, but I co-con a LOT more than I used to and have MUCH less amnesia than I used to. I rarely ever black out anymore. (In exception to this week, which has been a weird week bc of a recent split, but comme ci comme ça.) Would I be considered OSDD-1b now because of less amnesia? Or am I still DID because I get amnesia when things get bad mental health wise? The lines are blurry there simply because of my progress in therapy and how well I've been dealing with amnesia barriers between frequent fronters.

Tbh I'd say don't even worry about the distinction unless you are going for a professional dx, and even then, the diagnosing person you go to will be the one to handle the semantics of it, not you. You know what you experience, and not everyone's experiences are the same!

Hope this helped! Cheers!

-Jules

Tbh at this point, 3 years in, idek if it's DID or OSDD1B and I wish i could just smash the two together and call it a day. It's probably DID tho. Considering all the times I have "said things" I have no memory of. And how many times that has caused issues in my interpersonal relationships. Happened just last night. Uck.

So confusing.

Just so confusing.

Luckily it doesn't matter too much to any of us which it is, though clarification would be nice when dealing with other people who are informed.

[plantanarchy]

do you think you could talk a little about being autistic? im wondering if i might be autistic and im still not sure bc i like pass as neurotypical rlly well so far and i thought it would help to hear about actual people's experiences. you don't have to though and im sorry if this is weird!!

This has been in my inbox for a bit, I’m sorry! But yeah, I can talk about it. Keep in mind that everyone’s experience is different and its less of a “spectrum” from mild to severe/low to high functioning and more of a complex where different people have different experiences. A lot of people use functioning labels to dismiss the experience and opinions of “high functioning” folk when it comes to being autistic because tjey “don’t seem autistic” or “aren’t like those other low functioning autistic people”, but really “function” is relative and can even change day to day… on someone’s bad days they could be totally nonverbal rocking back and forth and on good days pass better at neurotypical than I do…

Ok so, I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was ~10. I was essentially non-verbal in school and other high stress social situations and had been since I was very very young. This was interpreted as “very shy!” despite me having severe difficulty from a young age in saying anything at all to teachers, doctors, church people, even many of my peers, etc and often feeling like i was physically unable to speak but you know… because I spoke at home and with my neighborhood friends, I wasn’t considered non-verbal at all. Or I guess selective mutism is the correct term which is something I definitely still struggle with. Like when I was in middle school, I spent a few years literally being known by my mom’s friends and by some people at school as “Meep” because thata fuckin all I could physically say when somebody tried to talk to me haha

BUT ok that got away from me, point being: i was diagnosed with Aspergers at a young age which is a diagnosis that no longer exists/has been absorbed into the greater Autism diagnosis. Aspergers was separate for a long time because it was basically used to say “these kids are high functioning and different than those low functioning non communicative kids!”. Basically because I had most of the “cool and good” autism traits, my “not as cool and kinda crippling” autism traits and needs got shoved aside and essentially ignored for a long, long time. Which I think happens to a lot of kids! Even to the point of not getting a diagnosis at all or getting a wrong diagnosis and only realizing later in life what may be going on and what was missed.

Whoops before this becomes a bitter tangent, back to my experience of autism I guess. Ok, so on top of still being selectively verbal/mute (some days are worse than others and sometimes it isn’t even directly anxiety related it’s just a mostly mute day), my other symptoms include 1) it’s almost physically painful to make eye contact with anyone 2) formal social situations are beyond me, I never know what is correct or what’s coming next and usually I survive informal social situations by cracking jokes and making weird references to shit or being obnoxious and just accepting the label of “weird ass obnoxious kid but that’s just bre” 3) usually feel like I’m just two steps away from understanding what’s going on in some social situations lol like sometimes i have good intuition, can read people, can guess at what they’re thinking and then something happens that makes me question my entire interpretation of the situation and I realize maybe I wasn’t reading them correctly the whole time!!!! It’s the social equivalent of being the only one to get a wrong answer on a math problem and frantically rechecking your work lol 4) sensory overload yayyyyy when too many things happen at once (which can be like… 2 thing), I zone out and feel like my environment is unreal or blurry (fun and cool dissociation) and I can never predict what will cause that overload or when but also a lot of people have the very dramatic “autistic child screaming from sensory overload” image in their brain and thats not always accurate… my overload results in shut down 5) also along with that, I have sensory issues such as texture, sounds, etc. Certain fabrics as a kid would legit make me cry if I touched them or if my mom made me wear them (WINDBREAKERS ARE SENSORY HELL) and that still happens lol also with stuff like… chewing sounds, shoes that touch my toes in any way, loud music/bass, etc 6) along with that and with sensory overload… stimming. Stimming is basically a self-regulatory response to overwhelming stimuli and plenty of non-autistic people also do similar things when faced with high anxiety situations. Like foot jiggling, pencil tapping, nail biting, pencil chewing, etc it’s basically a soothing compulsion and not always something many autistic people can control without great effort and that control comes at the cost of not regulating anxieties or sensory overload well. I’ve got and always have had a lot of verbal/language stims and am very reptitive in my speech and writing patterns (y'all and lad anyone???) which is kinda self soothing. I have literally always had catchphrases. When im on my own i also do rock baxk and forth and other repititive body motions, also fidgeting with objects, especially cool round objects 7) catalog all the useless info in my brain!!! I can memorize information very well (not numbers though) and when I was a kiddo that got me labelled as #gifted and I was “savant” level in reading and writing but that is less cool and fun to people than beinf a math or science savant or something. 8) anyway related to that, as evidenced by this blog, I get VERY INVESTED in certain topics/ “special interests” to the point that it eclipses all other thoughts in my brain yay!!! Which isn’t a bad thing, I mean it gets me through and also if you have “good” special interests, people think you’re smart and interesting and ask your advice about stuff lol

Symptoms I don’t have that a lot of people think of when they think of an autistic person 1) I am horrendous at math I fuckin hate it numbers are the devil!!!!!! 2) 99% of my humor is sarcasm and I can understand it and figures of speech lol though sometimes i do get it wrong if i can’t read you otherwise 3) I don’t have “zero empathy”, I can feel for the plights of others VERY strongly, and can usually see any (most) POVs if it’s explained to me

There are others probably and there are certainly autistic people who have thise traits and who have different traits than I have. There are LOADS of different ways to be autistic. But also, there’s a lot of overlap between autism and between other things like ADHD, anxiety disorders, etc! So keep that in mind. Some people are strongly anti-selfdiagnosis of autism but knowing how easy it can be for kids who don’t present 100% stereotypically to slip through the cracks, I am all for it. I pass a lot of the time as neurotypical and can do most society things ok, though I have a steep learning curve compared to others… and with passing as neurotypical comes the frequent dismissal of my opinion on autism related topics and the lack of acknowledgement that actually I often DON’T pass as neurotypical and at those times my lack of passing is interpreted as rudeness, deliberate lack of effort on my part, stubbornness, lack of intelligence, lack of professionalism, an assumption that I’m angry with someone or don’t like them, etc etc. It’s an endless, awful cycle!

And I don’t really have too much personal advice for figuring out if you’re autistic or not… I did go through a point in time where despite being diagnosed I strongly denied that I was autistic and kind of had to come back to that as a near adult and realize nope… definitely autistic. And then knowing what to do with that info once youve figured it out is just… I mean there’s not much. There are little to no resources for autistic adults, very few support groups made up of autistic people and led by autistic people, very little resources directed at autistic people themselves in general, usually the focus is on the parents or guardians and talk aboit autistic people as abstract concepts… whoops, can you tell I’m bitter haha gonna end this before I go full “mental health professionals failed me and I’m a mess” etc

[hyfdanielle-archive]

After Hours Aquarium Distractions → Granielle

TITLE: After Hours Aquarium Distractions CHARACTER(S): Danielle Panabaker and Grant Gustin @theflashgrant SETTING: Whistler, BC Canada on March 11th CONTENT RATING: PG-13 SUMMARY: Danielle and Grant have a date night at the Vancouver Aquarium, participating in the After Hours exhibit that they have, then coming home with a heart to heart conversation and distraction.

Grant was enjoying a nice relaxing Saturday with his wife, daughter and the dogs, glad they didn't have anything to do all day. After the rough encounter he had with Caity earlier that morning. His mind was going a mile a minute, trying to process everything she had told him and just the fact that he ran into her, quite literally, in general. He wanted to try and not think about it and have a distraction, which made him come up with a great date idea for him and Danielle. Liz was watching Ali and the dogs and Grant wanted to take Danielle to an aquarium that was called After Hours Aquarium. It was for adults only and a way for them to experience the aquarium differently than they would with children. They had alcohol and snacks provided while walking around the place and had various shows and exhibits they'd be able to look at as well. Dale was driving them to the aquarium and Grant was quiet for the ride, still lost in his own thoughts on what to do with the whole Colton and Caity situation. When they arrived, Grant got out of the car and walked into the place with Danielle, paying for two tickets. "You gonna get wine or beer to have?"

Danielle had a good time on this lazy day, but it was still different all the same. It was a Saturday where her little family would be able to relax without a care in the world; but something was off with her husband. She couldn't figure it out, but didn't want to press about it all the same. Instead, she showered him with affection until their baby sitter arrived so they could have their date night. Usually, she and Grant would try for one night out of the week to have alone and this was their night. They were going to go to the aquarium, but a special after hours event filled with drinks and food. They'd be able to look at the exotic fishes that were in the tanks and have fun without the bombardment of adulthood looming over them. Danielle was so excited, but couldn't help but worry about what was going on with her husband. "You know me and wine", she teased of him, laying her hand on his back while he paid for the tickets to go in. "I wonder if we'll get to see the sharks like we did when we went to Baltimore. Remember that? That was a fun trip."

Grant smiled and nodded, assuming that Danielle was going to get wine. Usually he would join her since he liked wine himself, but he needed something stronger and that was beer right now. Grant liked both either way so he knew it wouldn't matter which one he chose. Smiling as she mentioned the sharks they saw in Baltimore, Grant nodded. "It was. I was proud of you for coming to an Orioles game with me. I might just have to tempt you to do it again over the hiatus. Or maybe this time we'll see the Mets play in the city," he said outloud. When they got their tickets, they went straight to where they were selling beverages so that they could have them while walking around. There were different things to do and Grant wanted them to experience all of them, knowing it was open for a certain amount of time to do just that. Once they each had their drinks, Grant led the way to the first exhibit which had to do with sharks like Danielle had mentioned. "Guess we'll get to see sharks after all. And this shows us the four different ways they can reproduce. Well. Now I know why this is for adults only," he chuckled.

Danielle let out a scoff and shook her head, promptly showing signs of nostalgia when Grant started talking about the game that they went to. "We can go back", she told him, knowing that it made him happy and she wanted to do things that made him happy as well. But now they didn't say much of anything else before they got their drinks. They'd be walking around in them and that was great, giving her time to look through all of the exhibits with no rush and no fuss. They had gotten to the sharks fairly quickly and her eyebrows raised at the exhibit that they were seeing. "Is this what you wanted to show me? Shark Porn in Vancouver. There are more than one ways they can reproduce? What an industry to be in for a shark", she teased out, which got her a few looks from people that passed by. Blushing gently, she brought her glass of wine to her lips and stayed close to her husband now, not wanting to get into any more trouble as it was.

Grant smiled softly when Danielle said they would go back. He didn't want to start planning their whole hiatus now, knowing the time was limited as is and he wasn't much of a planner. If anything hiatus was so that he could be lazy and catch up on sleep but it was nice to know that Danielle was up for going again if the opportunity presented itself. Smirking when Danielle spoke, Grant shook his head. "I mean I knew there were...some R rated things here hence the whole after hours thing but I did not know we would be seeing how many ways sharks can have sex," he teased, shaking his head in amusement. He was intrigued, even if it sounded weird and when Danielle said it's a great industry to be a shark, Grant nearly spit out his drink. They started looking at the exhibit and Grant was mind blown. "I mean I guess it's like how humans have different positions to have sex, right?" He whispered to his wife, not wanting anyone else to hear. He couldn't believe this is what they were looking at right now but it was definitely distracting him and giving him a source of entertainment that he was happy for.

Danielle looked at her husband now when he started out with his drink. "Honey", she turned to him worriedly, wondering if he was okay, but everything was fine and collected and she was most thankful for it. For now, she stayed close to Grant and didn't dare to venture away from him while they learned about the reproduction cycle of a shark, listening to the sound byte that was coming from the speakers near there so they can learn. "That's true", she whispered out then, finishing another sip of her glass. "I wonder if they prefer one thing over another and if they're adventurous like that", she mused out now and shook her head rapidly. Danielle was getting way too invested in learning about this and though it was the norm, she felt amused that she was here learning about it. But as she turned back to Grant, she took his free hand with hers and laced their fingers together. "Where are we going next?"

Grant nodded and shrugged. "I'm sure they do, just like we have our preferences," he said before taking another sip of his drink. Grant was pretty sure he'd never look at an aquarium the same after this but it was interesting regardless. When Danielle laced their fingers together, Grant looked around to see where they would be going next. "This is another exhibit about reproduction underwater," he chuckled, listening as the man started educating them. The main focus was on coral sex and otter love and Grant raised his eyebrows. It was weird to be hearing about how these different creatures in the water had sex but at least they would be learning something different. "At least it's nice to know that these animals and creatures get some lovin' too. Good for them," he said out loud, mostly to his wife. When that exhibit was over, the crowd was led to a small theater where they were given 3D glasses to watch a short film about coastal predators. "This should be cool."

Danielle widened her eyes when Grant started speaking, mostly because the people around them had snickered like they heard the funniest thing. "Oh yeah", she said as she downed the rest of her wine glass. This was beginning to get fun, not like it hadn't been before, but she was learning something new and getting a lot of new material for jokes and conversation. "We've done a lot of that underwater if you think about it", she mused out again, this time whispering so that only Grant could hear and hid her face in his arm. There were a lot of couples here as well, maybe on dates, so it was enough for Danielle to feel like this was intimate but still with a large group. But now they were lead towards a room with 3D glasses, bottom lip going in between her teeth. "First we saw otter loving and now we're going to watch them get killed", she said as she put on the glasses and turned her frame towards Grant. "Everything is all blurry right now, babe", she let out. "Maybe I should put this when I get to sit down."

Grant chuckled when Danielle said they had done similar things underwater. "You have a point there," he said, taking another sip of his drink. Once they were inside the room, Grant watched as Danielle put on the glasses, stating that everything was blurry. "Yeah, you should probably wait until it actually starts. Won't be able to see much until does," he told her. "It's going to be a sure change of events, but still interesting," he said to his wife. As funny and amusing as the sexual things were, it would be cool to see something about the predators in the water, even if it might freak him out slightly. "As long as these things aren't in familiar waters or anywhere I can come into contact with them. That would start to freak me out," he said. A few minutes later, the film started and Grant put his glasses on, seeing the different predators come off the screen in 3D form. It was cool and even made him jump at certain points, the whole thing feeling so real.

Danielle took off the glasses until it was time to put them on again, shifting her weight in the seat in order to see everything. Her eyes were widening at every single predator that came onto the screen and even though it was basically the circle of life, she couldn't handle it at times. "Oh my god", she said as she took the glasses off and then put them back on, shaking her head and calmed down enough to continue watching. When the movie was over, there was a soft green look for Danielle now, but she didn't mention to anyone when she gave the glasses back. Her hands were outstretched for her husband and she was a bit more affectionate now than what she would have been if she hadn't seen so much blood, but at lease they had something to tell everyone when they were asked. "I won't ever look at an alligator the same way again", she mumbled out now, lingering in the lobby of the theater. "Can we go see the otters after the tour? I liked that they were so friendly."

Grant was mindblown once the film was over, taking off his glasses and sighing heavily. "That was intense, wasn't it? Damn," he said, standing up and following the people out of the mini theater. "Well we've known that alligators are bad this whole time. But it was crazy to see everything they're actually capable of," he said, grimacing at the thoughts. When Danielle asked if they could see the otters once more before they left, Grant nodded. "Yeah, they were cute. There's not much left on the tour, I believe," he said to his wife. "There's only one more thing to do and that's getting to touch the sea stars and sea urchins. That'll be cool," he said, following everyone into what was called the Star Lab. There were workers there who were showing everybody the different creatures that would be able to be held and Grant was a little nervous as to what they would feel like. "I don't want to hurt them or anything. This is going to feel weird."

Danielle nodded her head and followed Grant now towards the wet lab, where they would be able to touch and play with the sea stars and sea urchins. They'd have to be careful because of the poisonous barbs, but it was okay to touch as long as they didn't harm the animals. "Have you ever touched a sea star", she asked of her husband, giving him a soft smile when they entered. The tour was simple and in a line, they'd be able to spend as little or as much time with them as they would want. "You'll feel like they're sticking to you", she said before she took one of Grant's hands and put it in the water with her. She was holding onto his finger and guiding it towards one of the legs of the stars, keeping her attention only to her husband to see what his reaction would be like. "Now sea urchins, I don't know what I would do if I touched one", she told him. "Aren't those the ones where if they sting you, then you'd have to get someone to pee on you so it would be healed?"

Grant shook his head when Danielle asked if he ever touched a sea star. "No, I've never really gotten the opportunity to. I wonder what they feel like. I mean they look hard..." He trailed off, watching as Danielle brought his hand into the water, carefully guiding his finger towards one of the stars. "Really?" He asked his wife, realizing what she meant once he touched it. "Whoa," he mumbled, surprised at the feeling and caught slightly off guard. "That's definitely not what I expect," he chuckled, moving his finger against it gently. "It's cool though," he said to Danielle. "I don't know, isn't that a jellyfish?" He asked his wife while shrugged. He was pretty sure if you got stung by a jellyfish, pee was the solution to get the sting out but maybe it was the same with sea urchins. "I don't think I'm going to touch one, I don't see how that's safe. I mean...some people are so I guess it is but I'm gonna have to pass."

Danielle smiled at her husband's reaction to the sensation. "I know. I don't want to pick it up because it'll be like taking it out of its habitat, but I would touch it underwater if it's safe for the both of us", she started out. The brunette adored all sorts of animals and would only want the best for them. It was the reason why she didn't want to disturb any of the animals that were in the water like most other people. Instead, she chose to listen and learn, shrugging her shoulders like Grant did when he said something about a jellyfish. "I wouldn't want to be stung by any of those either. Sometimes you die automatically", she spoke out, completely grim with her words until it came time to touch some of the manta rays that were there. "We can play with them", Danielle whispered out, tugging Grant over to where most of the adults were crowding around. A school of manta rays were swimming back and forth and they were table to touch fins if they were lucky enough. "You know, watching Nemo was perfect yesterday, because now we get to experience it in real life, right here. Right now."

Grant nodded when Danielle spoke. He wasn't sure he was going to be as brave as she was but maybe if they did it together, it'd be okay. "Since when do you have so much experience with this kind of thing? When have you touched a sea star before?" He asked curiously, wanting to know all these little details about his wife. "You can, yeah. It's dangerous but I think that's a rare case, otherwise not many people would be in the ocean constantly," he shrugged. Grant never really thought about the risks of going in the water when at the beach, just enjoying swimming around and messing around in the waves. He couldn't wait until they were back in LA to do that often. When Danielle said they could play with them, Grant furrowed his brows. "What even are they?" He asked his wife. "I know, it is pretty perfect. I definitely didn't even plan that," he said while chuckling.

Danielle looked to Grant as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "You never did any of this on the beach", she asked of her husband. Sure, there were beaches where there were too many people and not enough water exploration, but sometimes you'd get lucky and it'll be a memory for life. "Sometimes we'd go on the beach and there would be a few things here and there. I'm surprised that there isn't much of this to do on Hilton Head beach." But now they were at the manta rays and she pointed to them when Grant asked what they were. "You know the school bus in Finding Nemo. Those dudes", she started to explain and soon she bent down to the water and ran her fingers through it, letting out a squeal when her finger tips had touched a bit of their skin. "Baby, come on. You'll have to try this. Then we'll go see the urchins again." Even now, Danielle turned back to Grant, offering her dry hand that wasn't wet from what she did so that she could keep him close.

Grant shook his head. He realized that there was probably an opportunity to do it on the beach when he was a kid in Virginia or even when his family went to Hilton Head every summer but it never ended up happening. "Whenever my siblings and I were on the beach, we usually played games. Frisbee, volleyball, football. All that stuff. Maybe Gracie paid attention to the hermit crabs and shells and all that stuff but Tyler and I were never really that interested," he chuckled. When Danielle explained what those creatures were in Finding Nemo, suddenly Grant was able to make the connection. "Oh okay, now I see," he told her, watching as she put her fingertips in there by the manta rays. "Does it feel weird? I don't know..." He trailed off, letting out a sigh. At this point he figured he should try it if Danielle did so he put his hand in and touched them. "Whoa. So slimy and smooth," he said to his wife. They then moved back over to the sea urchins, though Grant was sure he wasn't going to touch those. Danielle didn't seem like she was going to either so they looked at them for a little bit before realizing that everything was coming to an end. People were leaving and Grant figured it was time for them to do the same. "Well that was fun, right?" He said as they made their way out of the aquarium.

Danielle stood way far behind the sea urchins and Grant while everyone would be touching them. "To think people eat them too", she whispered out. Everything was coming to an end and a close, and there was a disappointment to her now that they didn't get to see the otters again; but that was okay. "I had so much fun", she told her husband truthfully. "Finished all of my wine. Saw some shark porn", she started to list out, wagging her eyebrows playfully at her husband before letting out a soft laugh. It was nice to be able to relax with her husband like this and be able to just hang out and learn something new. It made for a memorable date night and something that she'd tell everyone in the meantime. "And I learned so much. I think this was amazingly fun." While she spoke, she turned to stand in front of Grant and cupped his face, making it so that her hazel eyes would lock onto green. "I love you and thank you for this."

Grant made a face. "What? People eat them? That's disgusting," he said, making a face. "But yeah, I'd say tonight was a success. Definitely not like any other date night I've had," he chuckled. It was nice to be in Vancouver for these sorts of things, knowing it provided entertainment that you most likely couldn't find in Los Angeles or anywhere else. "I learned a lot too, so I'm glad we did this. And being able to drink while going around is pretty cool," he nodded. Once they got to the car, Grant smiled softly when Danielle cupped his face, thanking him for their date night. "Of course. I love you too," he said, kissing her on the lips gently before getting into the car. Grant stayed quiet for the ride back to their apartment, lost in his own thoughts about what transpired that morning. It was great to be distracted from it while at the aquarium and he succeeded in forgetting about it while there but now it was weighing heavily on his mind again and he didn't know what to do. When they got home, Grant thanked Dale and made his way up to their apartment, inside and greeted Liz once he saw her. He thanked her and said his goodbyes, watching her leave and making his way into the living room where he greeted the dogs briefly and sat on the couch, rubbing his face with his hands and letting out a sigh.

Danielle furrowed her eyebrows at the silence that filled the car. It wasn't awkward by any means. It was just unsettling, like there was a weight that didn't and couldn't be described. The kiss before that was wonderful, kind, but the aloofness that radiated after unnerved her. The brunette didn't say much when they got home, greeting their baby sitter and realizing that their daughter was probably asleep in her bedroom. She wasn't going to disturb Alison, but instead chose to sit down beside her husband and place her feet onto his lap. "Penny for your thoughts", she prodded out, giving him a soft smile to encourage him to do so. Part of the reason why Danielle prided her relationship was the ability to communicate with one another, no matter what the circumstance may have been. "You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Is there something wrong, Honey?" Danielle showed concern, but if Grant didn't want to approach it, she'd leave it be.

Grant watched as Danielle sat down next to him, pursing his lips. Ultimately he knew that he was going to have to tell Danielle what was going on, even if it wasn't exactly his place to say. She was his wife and he didn't like keeping secrets from her and since it was bothering him so much, maybe she'd be able to help if she had some insight on what was going on. She put her feet in his lap and Grant sat there, wondering where to start and what to say. Shrugging when she said it looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, Grant sighed. "That's kinda what it feels like," he said, rubbing the back of his neck gently. "Kind of. I mean...I don't know," he mumbled. "I ran into Caity this morning when I was getting us breakfast and coffee. And well, it was just weird. Seeing her again, since we haven't talked or seen each other since the whole...thing happened. And then she ends up telling me that this thing...is a lie. She never actually cheated on Colton," he told his wife. "She lied because she wasn't ready to make a big commitment to him and that was the only thing she could think of that would make him walk away from her," he said. "So now I know this and no one else does. Besides you now. And I just feel like I need to tell Colton but it's not for me to tell. It's for Caity to tell. And I tried telling her to tell him and I'm hoping she will but I just feel weird, like I'm hiding something from my best friend and I just don't know what to do."

Danielle pressed her lips together and listened. She didn't interject. She didn't say anything. She just took everything in that Grant was telling her. There was a part of her that was proud that he would trust her with this secret; but there was another part of her that ached for the couple in question. Her husband was in a tough spot and it wouldn't be great for any of the parties involved if all of this comes out of the woodwork. "I'm sorry you're in the middle of it", she told her husband truthfully, taking her legs from his lap and moved closer so that she was able to wrap her arms around his frame to hold him. "You're doing the best thing by letting them work it out on their own, you know that right? They need to talk this out about this. They need to have that open and honest communication in order for their relationship to work." The advice wasn't much and Danielle knew that. She just hoped that she could help just a little bit. "In a way, I'm also glad that she trusted you with that secret. I know how close you and Caity were and it's taking a step in the right direction again--building up that trust."

Grant sighed as Danielle spoke. He didn't like that he was in the middle of it either but he was glad Caity told him the truth, especially since it changed everything. Her not cheating meant something entirely different and now her only problem was that she lied about something as serious as that just so Colton would walk away from her. Smiling slightly when Danielle wrapped her arms around him, Grant sighed and rested his head against her shoulder. "I know. I just hope she doesn't wait too long. He deserves to know. I mean this is a huge thing. And I'm glad she told me, although I think most of the reason she told me was so that I wouldn't be so angry at her for cheating. Which I get. I mean this changes everything now. I was so angry at her for doing that and I still don't agree that she lied to him about it but if she didn't really cheat on him...well then that's a good thing," he said. "I guess I'll just have to see how it plays out. I hate lying to Colton. Even if I'm not lying to him, I guess it's more of keeping something from him. I don't like doing that either."

Danielle understood the plight that her husband was going through. On the one hand, a friend just divulged a huge secret about that same friend and it wasn’t good to be in the middle of it. If anything, she was more than surprised that Grant had been so silent about this for so long. “This must be eating you alive”, she whispered out to his head now, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “He’s your best friend and to know something like this and keep it from him must be torturous.” Danielle felt for Grant, and it was right then and there that she vowed that she’d help him with anything regarding this matter. “What do you feel like doing? Regarding this? Obviously you can’t tell Colton because it’s not your secret to tell; but what do you want to do?” All the brunette did at this point was try and soothe, running her fingers against his arm that was close to them and press light kisses upon the top of his head where she could reach.

Grant nodded and stared down at his hands. It had been bothering him since this morning and he wasn't sure how long he'd be able to hold back. He didn't like keeping things from Colton, especially something as serious as this but he just hoped he got through to Caity when talking to her earlier. "I don't know. I mean I guess I'll give Caity a few days. That seems like the right thing to do. And if Colton still doesn't know or doesn't bring it up, then I'll have to talk to Caity and tell her that I can't keep hiding this from him. I mean I know he'll probably be mad at her for lying but you would think she'd want to tell him she didn't actually cheat. Unless she just doesn't care...I don't know," he shrugged, letting out a deep sigh. "I guess I should try and forget about it for now. It's out of my control," he said while rubbing his face with his hands.

Danielle let out a soft smile. “I love you, you know”, she told Grant truthfully. Seeing him like this now solidified one of the reasons why she fell in love with him in the first place. He felt everything, was sensitive to those around him, and cared so much for his friends and family. It was a very admirable trait and one that she adored. “And everything will work itself out when it’s supposed to work itself out. You know that. I know that. I’m glad you told me what was bothering you. It must have been hard for you to do so. I’m happy you trust me enough to keep this secret for you.” But Grant was right. They both needed to let this go because it was out of their hands. As much as they wanted to help, they couldn’t—at least, not right now. “Okay, so let’s forget it for now. The baby’s asleep. The dogs are somewhere around the house. You and I are alone and free to do whatever it is that we want. You know what we haven’t done in a while?” Her tone of voice was light, wanting to distract her husband from the thoughts that surrounded him, but she had to break away in order to do so. Moving towards the television now, she pulled out two of the remote controls to the XBOX that she hadn’t touched in forever and showed it them to Grant.

Grant smiled softly. "I love you too. And I'm glad I have you to talk about anything with. I trust you completely and I don't want to keep anything from you. You're my wife," he said to Danielle. Nodding when Danielle told him that they should forget about it right now, Grant wondered what they would be able to do instead. The way his wife was making it sound was that they had alone time to do whatever they want, which usually meant something sexual. But now she had caught him off guard when saying it was something they hadn't done in a while, making her way over to the living room TV. Grinning when she brought over the XBOX controllers, Grant looked up at her. "You sure know the way to my heart," he teased, waiting for the game to turn on so that they could play. "I really don't know the last time I played either, even on my own. Everything's just been so crazy busy."

Danielle agreed completely with the sentiment. Everything has just been so busy that there was no way that they had the time to do the things that they enjoyed. With the baby, the job, and the dogs, there usually wasn't much time left in the day; and Grant needed the distraction right now more than anything. With that said, she turned on the XBOX the only way she knew how and handed him the first person controller. "I don't remember much, but I'll play with you", she told him. The game flashed on the screen and it was the football game that he taught her to play a while ago. It wouldn't be much, but at least they could probably get in a few rounds or so before they'd crash for the night. "It's a bit of a contrast after what we learned at the aquarium now, isn't it? I promise I won't mess with your controller when I start to lose, but I make no promises if I start leaning on you because you're comfortable."

Grant smiled and nodded, glad that Danielle would be up for playing with him. "You'll do fine," he told her, knowing they've played quite a few times together and even if Danielle didn't play nearly as much as he did, she usually picked it up pretty quickly. Chuckling as she mentioned this being different from the aquarium, Grant nodded. "Completely. Huge turn of events. But I think it's good to end the night doing this. I don't want to have sex dreams about sharks doing it," he teased while shaking his head. "That's fine with me. Lean on me as much as you want," he told her, leaning towards his wife to kiss the top of her head gently. When it was time to pick teams, Grant obviously picked the Giants and waited for Danielle to pick her team before they would start. "Do you remember the buttons? This one is to pass, this one is to tackle, you use this to run," he told her, showing her on the controller. "You'll do great. Good luck," he teased, winking at his wife before focusing on the screen.

Danielle giggled at the suggestion that Grant let out, scrunching her nose afterwards. "Do not want you to dream about shark porn", she mumbled out, a bit of determination to her voice. "If anything, you're supposed to be dreaming about me not the sharks." True to form, the brunette looked down and nodded as her husband started to explain the buttons. She needed to pick out a team and now that Grant had chosen the Giants, she'd go with one of the random teams that she knew. The Panthers were chosen then and soon the graphics started to change and go off towards the football field in which they'd be playing. "Coin toss", she told him and now they were ready and reeling to go. "I'm going to need it, I know. You're the pro when it comes to this. But I have my ways." The saying was ominous at best, but Danielle was focused. Once the coin spun on the screen, she pressed her choice and awaited for the verdict to come through.

Grant chuckled and shook his head. "I think I'll pass on that. I'd much rather dream about you. Having sex with you. That sounds nice," he said, grinning at the thought. Seeing Danielle choose the Panthers, Grant waited for them to do the coin toss and to see how that would turn out, listening to his wife say that she had her ways even if he was the pro. "Well consider me intrigued," he smirked, licking his lips. Danielle ended up winning the coin toss which made him laugh. "At least you're a pro at that," he teased, waiting for her to choose. Now that it was time to play, Grant did what he usually did and while he knew he should go a little easy on his wife, he decided not to. "I don't go easy on Tyler so I'm not going to go easy on you either," he smirked as he got a touchdown right away.

Danielle gave Grant just a look before leaning over. "That is nice, isn't it", she whispered into his ear once before pressing her lips to it in a soft kiss. That was all that she would to do distract him for now, considering they had a game to play. The game was intense. Everything that Danielle thought she had forgotten came back and though she didn't get a chance to block the first touchdown, she did try to put up a good fight. "Don't play easy. Go hard, go rough", she started to egg Grant on, her tone of voice softer than what it usually was; but that was probably because she was still speaking against her husband's skin. This time, Danielle nipped at Grant's jawline gently, going forward with her plan to distract, but mainly it was distracting her more so. The game even started beeping for her to choose her next play and she laughed gently, looking down to press a button and continue on with the game. She didn't gain as many yards as she would have liked and soon it was fourth down on her turn. "I think I'm just a bit rusty", she spoke out now, shaking her head at the television.

Grant listened to Danielle telling him to go hard and rough, not easy. "If you insist," he teased, playing like he normally would. He felt a little bad since Danielle wasn't close to being experienced but she wanted to play with him so he was going to enjoy it. As long as she was having fun, that's what mattered. Once he was on defense, he was able to stop her pretty quickly, despite his wife distracting him slightly by kissing his ear and then his jawline. "Mm," he murmured, biting down on his bottom lip as he kept his eyes on the screen. Chuckling when she said she was a bit rusty, Grant shrugged. "That's okay. Me too. I'm only winning by fourteen now and it's halfway done," he teased, continuing the game. It was nice to be doing this with his wife and it was the perfect distraction from everything that was on his mind. He loved that she always knew exactly what he needed and once the game was over, he looked over at her lovingly. "Thank you. For doing this. I know it's not exactly your favorite thing to do but it meant a lot to me and kept my mind off stuff which is exactly what I wanted."

Danielle lost by a long shot, but she didn't mind it. This was supposed to be a chance for her to distract Grant and she was glad that felt better. She returned the look that her husband gave her, nodding her head as she listened to him speak. "I just want you to be okay", she confessed out to him. That was one of the best things that they could do for each other. In her vows, she stated that she would be right beside him through everything and she wanted to uphold it. "Whatever it is that you need, I'll be there to help you through it. You're not alone because I got you. I have your back always." But now Danielle dropped the controller onto her lap and wrapped her arms around her husband to hold herself close to him. "So, now that you're distracted, do you think you need one more game or can we get ready for bed? I can make us a midnight snack too if you're hungry."

Grant nodded. "As long as I have you, I'll be okay," he told his wife sincerely, staring into her eyes. She was already helping a great deal and just talking to someone about it helped in its own way too. Smiling and wrapping his arms around Danielle as she did first, Grant buried his face into her shoulder and let out a sigh. It felt good just to be hugging her right now and he felt so much better than he did this morning after the whole conversation took place. When Danielle asked what he needed next now that he was distracted, Grant thought about it for a minute. "I think getting ready to bed sounds good. I'm not hungry and I feel pretty tired. More emotionally or mentally than physically but either way, we had a nice night and it's getting late anyways," he shrugged, slowly getting up so that they could both head upstairs. When he got upstairs, Grant couldn't help but check on Ali in the nursery, wanting to see her even if she was sleeping soundly. He watched her for a few moments before leaving the room, not wanting to risk waking her and went into the bedroom to start changing into his pajamas.

Danielle gave her husband the okay and moved away from him so that they'd be able to go upstairs. The brunette would go into the kitchen to make sure water was filled for the dogs before going upstairs with her husband. She was right behind him, watching him watch their daughter as well before she broke away from him first. Alison was asleep and they needed to let her rest. For now, she was getting dressed in what would be required of her--loose fitting pajama bottoms were always a plus as well as a shirt--and crawled into bed. "Oh, it feels so good to be laying down after all of that walking", she mumbled out, snuggling into her side and pulling the covers over her frame. Her eyes now were glued to Grant's, her tongue darting out of her mouth to start licking her lips and watching him get ready for bed. "Thank you for a fun night out, baby. And the game was fun even though I lost. It just proves you're the pro between the both of us", she whispered out now, reaching from her side of the bed for him.

Grant smiled softly when Danielle got into bed, knowing it must have felt nice after walking all night. He couldn't wait to get into bed and snuggle with his wife after a long, exhausting day. At least there were good parts to it and that's what made everything worth it. Joining Danielle in bed, Grant let out a sigh and stretched his legs, feeling as great as Danielle did to be laying down now. "Definitely feels nice," he mumbled, snuggling into his wife. "Of course. I'm glad we were able to experience something new together. Not like anything else," he said with a smirk. "Well, we have our hobbies. Mine is video games so of course I'd be better at that. If there was a baking contest, you'd blow me out of the water," he said, smiling softly. Turning off the light, Grant got comfortable against the sheets and closed his eyes, letting out a yawn. "Night, baby. Love you so much," he mumbled before drifting off to sleep.

Danielle had been amused at his sentiment, but Grant was right. "True, but I do believe that you could rival me in a cooking contest. If it was burgers then you're going to win, definitely", she continued to speak out. She had so much pride in Grant, was proud that he could do so much, and adored him just the same. She really and truly believed that she was lucky to have him in her life. But the day was short and soon she was grasping for breath while stifling a yawn, knowing that sleep would be very much needed tomorrow. "I love you more", she said as she reached back to turn off the light that was on her side of the bed and followed her husband right back to sleep.