#it's a walking distance but like just the concept that someone is fucking sick and absolutely no one

[kohakuhibiki]

Wow I can't believe I woke up in time so I can have the delightful experience of going waste my time with service canada. It will be great.

[lunarleonardo]

I might draw a little something for the idea and not much more. But I always thought a really interesting concept to play with for ndrv3 simulation would be if Shuichi glitched out-of-bounds of the map. The kind where you can walk in the space between/behind surfaces and see out of them (like a 1 sided mirror) but can't get back through. No one can see him, no one can hear him, and his regular physics are disabled being nothing more than an avatar that can float around like a ghost. I think a very very fun idea would be if his silhouette could appear pitch black (no light renders on him) in reflective surfaces (mirrors, metal) if he's close enough to them (rendering distance excuse). It would be a while before he figures this out.

How would he glitch out of bounds? Some sort of weird logic collision. Water would probably be the key to it (because it's a phase-able solid in game) and he either falls into the pool or himiko's tank, and then fall through the walls into the out-of-bounds area. He would ideally be completely alone, with the simulation only rendering intense water physics when more than one person is nearby to make the program more run more efficiently when there's no possibility of murder.

There's many ways to interpret his disappearance in the game's logic. It could be registered as suicide, an announcement that "shuichi has dropped out of the killing school semester" (his classmates think he escaped the school without them), or there is nothing to register and he is just missing.

If he is just missing, there's an even funner (and tortuous) situation possible. His classmates would be searching for him, and while everyone is busy, someone commits a murder that shuichi is witness to (and registered as the first witness before anyone else for the body announcement) while he can do nothing to stop it, being trapped behind the walls.

I would love to write this fic myself but I'm semi verbal and consider writing to be a cruel and unusual punishment, so I might make a drawing or two for it. You have a lot of cool ideas for V3 so I thought I'd share mine and see what you think about it.

- @blorboindulgence

hi this is SUCH a cool idea oh mygod ???? щ⁠(⁠゜⁠ロ⁠゜⁠щ⁠) The water thing is SO incredibly creative !! Imagining him as the shadow people you see in the corner of your eye... Someone glances at a window or a mirror and jjst sees this black figure watching them from afar and NO ONE believes them at first. That would be so unsettling I LOVE IT

And the TRIAL POTENTIAL with the body discovery announcement trigger too!!??? THE CONFUSIon??? Shuichi stabding at his podium genuinely tweaking over not being able to help everyone???!! This is so fucking sick dude I would LOVE to see something on this (⁠●⁠♡⁠∀⁠♡⁠) a fic, art,... anything rlly i just love seeing peoples ideas come to life. AAAAAAAAGAHHH they trapped him in the shadow realm !!!GET HIM OUT

I think this idea is AWESOME and I hope you find the motivation to indulge in it ^^ good luck out there soldier !! ★

lmfao you're never gonna believe this but

lunarleonardo telepathy strikes again

[bropunzeling]

Director's commentary, anything from mattdrai soulmate AU (or future snippets!)

hello anon! gosh it's been a while since ive looked at this one; here's the early section where they are in germany and going for a little walk:

Leon harries Matthew until they’re both dressed and ready to go, grabbing a spare key from the table in the hall. The weather outside, once they get there, isn’t too bad; it’s a little brisk, but nothing that either of them can’t handle compared to an Alberta spring. Matthew still looks shivery, though, hands tucked into his sweatshirt pocket and head bowed. [poor bondsick matthew! in all seriousness figuring out how to portray bondsickness was honestly really fun - just being a pathetic lil mess until someone touches you. idk if i ever said so explicitly in the fic/fully committed, but in my head/memory as of now, i think it's one of those things that is not so much caused by physical distance but by emotional distance. they haven't figured out/reconciled their feelings = you get sick. leon leaving was just a triggering event. but the beauty of never saying so explicitly is i can't get it wrong either way lmao.]

“Hey,” Leon says, bumping Matthew with his elbow until Matthew looks up. “You okay?” he asks, feeling like a broken record, but there’s not—what else is he supposed to do? [leon just actively flailing throughout the whole of the 2022 sections was also fun. he's a demonstrative guy but it's hard to be demonstrative when you don't have a clear sense of what either of you want. also, he is not yet willing to internally acknowledge how important matthew is to him, so he's just gonna... kinda suck at it.]

“Yeah,” Matthew says flatly. There’s big purple circles under his eyes. It makes Leon think again about how badly Matthew’s taking it, much worse than how Leon’s doing. Sure, he supposes he didn’t feel great for the twenty hours they were separated by an ocean, but he also didn’t look like he’d been run over by a zamboni. [bc you are not in emotional turmoil my guy]

Leon knows, at this point, that he should know better, but he’s still not sure how exactly all of this works. Bond-sickness is a thing from romance novels and weepy made-for-TV movies, not for a couple of hockey players who are regularly a continent apart. [again because it's an emotional thing, and leon isnt ready to clue into the emotional aspects of their relationship - purposefully oblivious] Leon leaving shouldn’t have done anything, he’s pretty sure. What difference would the Atlantic make, compared to North America? [bc you ~left~ him/aren't easily accessible anymore!]

Besides, in every depiction of bond-sickness he’s seen—which was mostly the one movie Kim watched on repeat when she was thirteen, some weepfest based on a Nicholas Sparks novel that Leon got so sick of he threatened to snap the DVD in half [my favorite thing about writing aus is figuring out alternate media for aus. i love a shitty reality tv concept. i love a bad romance novel. i love an ed sheeran ballad. it's the most fun part and also is such an easy way to add color and a sense of heft to your world building.]—it always happens to both sides of the bond. He’s pretty sure that if Matthew’s sick, he should be too, or else neither of them should be. [more hinting at one-sidedness] Which—that’s something he’s not sure he wants to interrogate too closely.

“Here,” Leon says finally, pulling at Matthew’s arm until he finally manages to get at Matthew’s hand. “Let me just—”

The second his fingers wrap around Matthew’s, Leon has a sensation of realignment, like one of his joints has eased back into place. Matthew starts to look more alive, color returning to his face as he sighs with relief. It’s kind of fucked up, how much touching makes things better, but it’s kind of cool, too, that this is all it takes. [one of my fave lines! (a) i think that would be the appeal of a thing like a bond to me, that you can make each other feel better and (b) i like it as an unconscious acknowledgement on leon's part that he wants matthew to feel better. he gives a shit! it isn't really platonic anymore even if he can't see that or admit it]

“This okay?” Leon asks, darting a glance at Matthew before looking down the street.

“Yeah,” Matthew says, fingers squeezing once. “I mean—if you don’t mind.”

“Whatever will help,” Leon says, more sincerely than he means to.

Leon started their walk without any destination in mind, but it isn’t far from his parents’ new house to the west bank of the Rhine. Once they get to the river, they stop, looking out at the Rodenkirchen bridge, huge and coppery green; the trees dotting the riverbank on the opposite side; the water reflecting the bridge as it flows north. There are ducklings following their parents down through the current, people walking past with dogs and strollers or only themselves. It’s peaceful to be around other people, to hear pieces of their conversation and the rush of the river and Matthew’s steps in time with his own. [i never made it to cologne but it looks really gorgeous in pictures! love a big bridge by the river. fixes me every time]

He wonders what it’s like for Matthew, somewhere unfamiliar, where not even the background noise is the same. [there's a thing about this that like, is tricky to articulate but i'll do my best lol - when they were both in alberta, they were both far from/couldn't always go home, which is a theme i find compelling (see marriage bets) but leon is obviously more separated. and during the 2022 sections of the fic, it was fun to explore matthew as the one far from home, in an unfamiliar environment, with leon as the one fixed point. idk! it's a fun theme.]

“Want to go farther?” he offers, tugging their hands towards the river. “Not too bad right now.”

Matthew nods, fingers tightening around Leon’s. “Sure,” he says. “If you want to.”

“Yeah,” Leon says. Now that he’s looking at Matthew, it’s like he’s gotten stuck, gaze snagged on Matthew’s eyes, as clear and blue as the spring sky. [ur in love with him. hope that helps.] He has to blink hard before he can look away, back to the tree-lined path and the river ahead. “Yeah, I want to.”

They spend another half an hour walking down the river and back, until it’s too cold to continue. [i just love a romantic walk!] Then they turn down into the neighborhood, wandering streets that should be more familiar to Leon than they are. [another bit of that far from home theme; what even is home in the first place if you've spent your adult life somewhere else?] Eventually they find a café and Leon gets them coffee, more to warm their hands more than anything else. Matthew stumbles through a “Danke schön” when he takes his.

“Did you practice or something?” Leon asks, raising his eyebrows.

The tips of Matthew’s ears flush, [he has been practicing for at minimum six months and at least a year. maybe started during those summer calls. he has an irrational hatred for the duolingo owl] and he takes a long sip of coffee. Leon decides not to push. It’s just—unexpected, is all.

Eventually they find their way back to the right street. Matthew’s shivering again. Leon should’ve given him one of his heavier jackets; they’re close enough to the same size. [them being the same build is important and sexy to me] He’ll remember next time.

“You good?” he asks again.

Matthew nods, takes another sip of coffee. “This is strong,” he says, narrowing his eyes.

“I’ve been telling you, your coffee is shit,” Leon says easily, accepting the misdirection. [european coffee just is better. alas.]

“Just because you’re a snob,” Matthew retorts, and they’re back to not quite normal, but closer. When Matthew nearly shoves him off the sidewalk mid-argument, it’s practically a relief. [they will always be a little bit butting heads but in a fun flirty way :)]

[fettsvette]

Never Worn White (Part Two)

Cloud City, Bespin. Boba Fett is on the hunt for a casual fuck before he cashes in on Han Solo’s bounty. You’re a naïve virgin, saving yourself for an adolescent fantasy… and it just so happens that he’s in town. Upon encountering the object of your infatuation though, you didn’t expect he’d be so willing to help you out.

Pairing: Boba Fett x Reader Words: 6.8k Rating: Explicit Warnings: Loss of virginity and unprotected sex

Can be found on Archive of Our Own here.

Mando’a terminology

 vaar’ika - little runt

  nehutyc’ika - feisty one

 cyar’tomade - fans

   -

  “Your boyfriend’s at the Atrium.”

  The words were like a lightning strike through the very fiber of your being, your whole body vibrating, no matter how teasingly and sarcastically they were meant. Your head jerked up so fast from the holopad screen you’d been gazing at that you felt as if you had just given yourself whiplash, and your blood pressure instantly skyrocketed, leaving you feeling light-headed and dizzy. Your roommate grinned lecherously at you, their eyes glinting mischievously. They were one of the few people to know about your feelings for Boba Fett, and it was obvious now that they were torturing you, feeding you false information and getting your hopes up just to watch you fluster and squirm like a giddy schoolgirl. Of course, they didn’t know the extent of your infatuation, and what you were planning if you ever happened to cross paths with the infamous bounty hunter during his unprecedented stay in Cloud City. You didn’t intend to allow them to find out, either.

  “...What are you talking about? Stop it...” You replied faintly, gazing up at them dumbly from your perch on the couch, uncrossing your legs and attempting to knead the life back into the prickling muscles. Your gaze drifted to your hands as you did so, trying futilely to get them to stop shaking just so your flatmate didn’t have something else to rib you over, and then skirted over to the wide window looking out over the city. Neat rows of transports crisscrossing in every direction lined the nighttime sky, carrying Cloud City’s citizens and tourists alike to where they needed to go. You couldn’t help but direct your vision towards the vicinity of the entertainment district, its bright lights plainly visible from your apartment. The Paradise Atrium was only a short distance away from your apartment on Figg Avenue, even closer than the landing bay where the Slave I was still docked. There was no way. It was too good to be true, simply meant to be. He was coming closer and closer to you.

  “I’m not kidding. Boba Fett’s at the Paradise Atrium, right now . I had to stop there on my way home to drop off a couple containers of glitterstim my boss owed the slimeball that owns that place, y’know? I walked in and he was literally right there in the cantina, just sitting at one of the booths in the corner… the ones they always reserve for the really top-tier VIPs.” They explained seriously, and you envisioned the layout of the lounge in your mind, an establishment you had visited quite often. Your thoughts brought you to the very rear of the adjacent and aptly-named Paradise Cantina... into the recesses of a shadowy booth, where sat an imposing figure in a battle-worn suit of Mandalorian armor, reclined against the plush backing of the stall, legs spread almost obscenely wide. His codpiece was mysteriously absent, and you could see everything . He beckoned you closer with the twitch of a gloved finger ...and you shook yourself from your reverie, acutely aware that a cold sweat had started collecting on the back of your neck. You fought the urge to slap yourself across the face, the imagined mercenary still calling to you from your subconscious.

  “Okay, okay… crik. Are you absolutely sure it was him?” You pleaded desperately, and your roommate openly rolled their eyes in your direction, shaking their head incredulously. You needed to be sure . You’d heard of the Fett imposter Jodo Kast, and even though the presence of the Slave I on-world was an immediate indication that the visitor was the real deal himself, there was still a niggling disbelief in your mind. This just could not be happening right now.

 “Of course I’m sure! Kriff, how many Mandos do you think are just walking around Cloud City? Beefy-looking buckethead wearing green scrap metal, more weapons on him than stars in the sky. Poor kid they had serving him was terrified, the guy was shaking so bad he almost dropped a whole tray of brinebrew on the graysuits that were in the booth with him. And - okay, are we just going to ignore the fact that I called Boba kriffing Fett your boyfriend and you didn’t even blink? Honestly, I really can’t believe you sometimes…”

  You didn’t even wait for them to finish. The fact that there were apparently high-ranking Imperial officers meeting with this mystery man was all the information you needed for any seed of doubt in your mind to be crushed. The holopad fell from your hands to land screen-down on the floor, entirely forgotten. Leaping up from the couch and power-walking towards your bedroom on tremulous legs, you flung the door closed behind you and hurriedly began rooting through your closet, looking for something halfway presentable to change into. You stripped yourself of your sweatpants and ripped t-shirt, having instantly settled on a glittering shimmersilk dress that you’d impulsively bought as a present to yourself after your last pay raise. You paused as you pulled the thin material over your head, debating whether or not to put on a bra before you dressed any further. With a curt sigh at yourself, you continued to slip your arms through the straps, smoothing the bunched fabric over the swell of your breasts. There was no point in bothering with one of those itchy, lacy garments you owned, that only you had ever laid eyes on - if all went according to plan tonight, your bra would just be coming off sooner rather than later anyway. You bent to slip your bare feet into a pair of plain black flats - you’d considered heels for a brief moment, but decided against them on the off-chance you had to make a quick getaway - when you were interrupted by the bedroom door colliding with the wall as it was unceremoniously flung open.

  “...And just where the frozz do you think you’re going wearing that ?” A disbelieving voice intoned harshly from the doorway, and you looked up to see your roommate blocking the light flooding in from the living area, a panic-stricken expression written across their features. You paused, your arms hanging limply at your sides, staring determinedly back at your roommate, whose face was beginning to reflect a dawning sense of horror and understanding. 

  “ Out. ” You answered in a bland monotone, snatching your handbag off the bed and peeking inside of it, making sure that the keycard to your apartment door, as well as your credit chip and a healthy pouch of physical Imperial credit coins, were tucked away safely inside. Your roommate strode forward, grabbing your forearm and squeezing tightly, causing you to wince as they forced you to look them in the eye.

  “Out where ?”

  You didn’t reply, your plans already dangerously close to unraveling. Your roommate’s grip tightened to the point of pain, and you were stunned to see that their eyes had filled with tears of fright. You knew you should feel guilty for putting them through this sort of duress, for worrying them to the point of weeping over your safety, but the only thing you found yourself feeling was a sort of grim pleasure. The fact that someone you had grown so close to in your years of living in Cloud City, a creature you considered to be one of your closest friends, could be frightened to this level by the thought of you becoming somehow entangled with the notorious Boba Fett, did nothing but give you a sick sense of satisfaction deep in your gut. It heightened the swirling arousal that was already building deep in the pit of your belly, fantastical images of what this night’s adventure could possibly bring already brewing in your mind. Your roommate finally loosened their vice grip on your arm and shook their head unbelievingly, backing away from you as if you were tainted.

  “Oh, stars … I know what you’re thinking. Please don’t do this. This isn’t some game of Droids and Guards, you fool, he’s dangerous .” They begged, seeming nearer and nearer to tears with every word. 

  “Don’t worry about me. I know what I’m doing. I’m not going to get myself into a situation I can’t handle, I just… I just want to see him.” You adjusted the strap of your handbag on your shoulder and heard the childish, lovestruck pleading in your voice. You hated yourself for it, for letting yourself get this much in a tizzy over a mere man - but this truly wasn’t just a man, was it? You could very possibly wind up in bed with none other than Boba Fett by the end of the night, if the galaxy was kind to you. He was going to be the first to ever claim you - as you pushed past your roommate and headed for the door, you were certain of it. This was your darkest, deepest fantasy come true, something you had been pining for and secretly dreaming about since you were old enough to even fathom the concept of sex, of virginity. Boba Fett was the only man you’d ever thought about giving yourself to for years now, and this was quite possibly your only chance. There was no turning back now.

  “Didn’t you hear me say that he was surrounded by Imps?! High-ranking Imps ! He kills people for money! He’s here working for the Emperor, I know it, and that big brute Vader’s still lurking around -” You held up one hand to silence them, and to your surprise, they immediately stopped, wild-eyed and staring at you imploriously, hands raised above their head. You had never seen your friend this keyed up, this stricken by concern for your wellbeing. It felt strange to say, but other than mynocks in your stomach from thinking about how the rest of the night could go, you didn’t understand just what this panic was all about. You weren’t stupid enough to interrupt important Imperial business, and it wasn’t like Lord Vader himself was going to be sitting at the bar, nursing a drink - right?

  “Just… don’t wait up for me tonight. Okay?” You quietly begged your friend, your voice sweetly soft and as neutral as you could manage. A long moment passed between the two of you, no words spoken, just gazing into each other’s eyes. Several beats passed in silence, only the traffic outside interrupting the heavy tension that filled the room. Your roommate was the first to break, their shoulders sinking, defeated. You felt a new burst of energy and smug satisfaction, but couldn’t help but feel somewhat remorseful at your reaction towards their obvious distress. The feeling passed quickly, however, when your roommate bowed their head, the ghost of a smile on their lips as they clucked their tongue and shook their head at you.

 “Dank farrik… you’re a real pain in my ass, you know that? ...But okay. You win.” They sighed. You kept your expression even, although you were screaming with joy on the inside, and were about to reach out to embrace them, when they took a step back and pointed in your face. You felt yourself going slightly cross-eyed, following their finger down the bridge of your nose, and had to stifle an ill-timed giggle. “But if you’re not back by sunrise, I’m contacting the Wing Guard and reporting you missing, and I’m going to tell them who you were trying to meet up with. I’ll get Baron Calrissian and the Alliance involved. Don’t think I won’t.” They continued, and your heart skipped a beat. You certainly weren’t expecting that turn of events, but weren’t exactly surprised either. With how sympathetic your roommate was to the Rebel Alliance, especially concerning the events of the past week and the installation of what the locals were beginning to call the ‘Iron Blockade,’ it made sense that they would threaten you with action involving the Rebellion, even if it was just out of concern for your safe return. It wasn’t that you didn’t support the Rebels yourself - their crushing blow to the Empire in the form of the destruction of the Death Star had reinvigorated your hope in their cause, especially after the horrific obliteration of Alderaan - but the purely selfish, immature side of you wondered what would happen to Boba Fett if the Rebellion were to come out the victors of this current Galactic Civil War. He was one of Vader’s most loyal hunters, and you had a feeling that the Rebels wouldn’t smile kindly upon his transgressions against them. Especially since one of their most famous generals, Han Solo, currently had a bounty on his head large enough to buy an entire spice mine, and it had been speculated on the HoloNet that Fett was one of the many mercenaries attempting to cash in on this coveted prize.

  You walked past your roommate without another word, slipping past them in the doorway of your bedroom, and padded easily across the living area carpet, knowing now that they’d had put their last word in and would no longer attempt to stop you. Settling your hand upon the doorknob leading into the hall, you were about to let yourself out into the night when you heard the Aruzan softly call your name, and you turned. They stood in the center of the room, smiling sadly, arms folded across their chest, a look of intense worry upon their face as they watched you exit, hoping they would find you back home in the morning. Their last words to you rang in your ears as you made your way across the night sky in the space taxi that would deposit you right on the steps of the Atrium.

  “Good luck.”

  -

  You stepped into the main lounge of the Paradise Atrium and instantly felt incredibly out of place, and exorbitantly underdressed despite the expensive shimmersilk you had draped yourself in for this special occasion.

  The room was filled with regal-looking creatures from all over the galaxy - a large group of Twi’leks sat on a couch in the far corner, smoking from a hookah and emitting large columns of purple and green smoke through their nostrils in between bouts of gay laughter, and a company of important-looking Nothoiin congregated around the elaborate carbonite sculpture placed in the center of the room. You’d attended gatherings at the Atrium many times before, but you’d never been in the presence of so many upper-class individuals. You wouldn’t be surprised if just one of these creatures was currently carrying more credits in their pockets than you would ever see in your entire lifetime. Not to mention, there were several armored stormtroopers, their white plastoid suits gleaming in the artificial light, holding sentinel near the staff entrance at the rear of the room, a sight you’d never seen here before. Something was definitely going down in Cloud City, and you had walked right into it. That realization alone made you want to sink into the floor, and what made it even worse was the fact that there was no sign of Boba Fett.

  You had crept into the Atrium as discreetly as you could, almost on tiptoe, and in hindsight you weren’t exactly sure what you had been expecting. Had you thought that you’d walk in and Fett himself would have been standing there, awaiting your entrance like a prince from ancient myth, on call for his princess’s arrival at the ball? Heart hammering wildly, leaning against the wall for support, you had scanned the room twice, then thrice over, looking for a flash of green, a swirl of cape, any indication that he was present, only to come up empty. He simply wasn’t here; at least he wasn’t anymore, if he ever had been in the first place. As much as you loved your roommate, and despite their almost violent reaction they’d had to the knowledge that you were - at the very least - trying to meet Boba Fett, it wouldn’t terribly surprise you if they had been pulling your leg all along. You’d trudge back into your shared apartment, dejected, and your roommate would be there, grinning smugly, lecturing that the moral of this story was to never seek company with strange men.

  Gazing around the room once more and seeing no sign of Fett, or at the very least, the Imperial graysuits that he’d apparently been here meeting with, you found yourself almost embarrassingly heartbroken. You’d banked so much on tonight, only for it to wind up being a missed chance, if not a complete fake-out. You refused to give your roommate the satisfaction of heading straight back home, though, so you figured now was as good a time as any to drink your sorrows away at the bar. The Paradise Cantina was adjacent to the Atrium and contained a half-moon bar as well as several comfortable private booths, and you sidled onto one of the stools at the center of the console, directly in front of the bartender, a distinguished-looking Bothan who eyed you dubiously.

  “Anything I can get for you, kid?” He asked gruffly, polishing a glass and looking you up and down, feeling you out. Although you had lounged with friends at the Atrium, even attended a few workplace parties there, you’d never really been a patron of the bar, and you felt the clientele ogling you suspiciously. It obviously wasn’t an ordinary occurrence, to see a scantily clad young woman sitting alone at a high-class bar, and the various eyes on you made your skin crawl, although you did your best to ignore the unwanted attention.

  “Just a Jedi Mind Trick, please. Make it a double” You replied softly, keeping your eyes down, tracing your fingernail against the wood grain of the bar. You heard the Bothan snort, probably amused at your choice of such a strong drink right off the bat, doubting you could hold your liquor. The way you saw it, though, you’d rather spend the rest of the evening getting shit-faced here than simply slinking off home alone, to wallow in bed self-despairingly. 

  The bartender had just set the triangular container full of bright blue liquid on the counter in front of you when a door you hadn’t noticed on the far side of the room slid open, and a figure stepped out. A hush immediately fell over the room, which had previously been filled with glasses clinking, quiet conversation and laughter, and a holographic jizz band being broadcast. You didn’t bother to look over at first, too absorbed in your own self-pity to care, picking up the glass and knocking the entire drink back in one gulp, leaving the edges of your mind slightly blurred.

  That’s when you heard the spurs.

  Kshnk. Kshnk. Kshnk.

  At first you assumed it was solely a figment of your imagination, an effect of the alcohol being absorbed into your system, until you realized that the room had gone silent, that even the hologram of the band had ceased playing. You looked up at the bartender, but he was staring over the top of your head, paused in the act of refilling another guest’s stein. The jangling sound filled your ears until you could hear nothing else, not even the sound of your own breathing, and a chill went down your spine. You were clenching your empty cup so tight that you were surprised it didn’t shatter in your hand. Gingerly, you turned around to acknowledge the cantina’s newest arrival, your stomach rolling with anticipation, your blood singing in your veins, your heart pounding like a gigantic drum sitting in your chest cavity. You looked up.

  And there he was.

  Boba Fett.  

  He was shorter than you expected.

  You felt a near-hysterical giggle rise in your throat as the realization crossed your mind, that this was your very first thought upon seeing the man you’d envisioned fucking you time and time again - in person, finally. The laughter died in your throat as he turned to cross the room, only several meters away from you, and you got your first real look at him.

  Stars, he was beautiful .

  Boba Fett walked slowly, methodically, with more purpose than you had ever seen another creature move, even though it seemed his only motive at the moment was to find a place to sit down. The dented helmet that concealed his features didn’t break its steady gaze straight ahead even once as Fett crossed the room, even though every eye in the cantina was locked to him. There was no way the man didn’t know that he was currently the center of attention, the reason for the palatable silence in the air, and it was quite obvious that he didn’t care one parsec. The green armor he wore was littered with scrapes and scars and dents, but still shone in the low light of the bar, as if it had only just been waxed, and you shivered at the thought of getting to press your bare chest against the battle-flecked breastplate. A ragged cape was tossed over one shoulder, and your eyes were drawn to the string of inexplicable numbers glowing out from an interface on the right-hand side of his armor, and to the strange symbol mirroring its position, a stalk of grain framed by a bright red drop of blood and what looked to be lettering in a language you didn’t recognize, directly above his heart. There were several long braids of multi-colored and variously textured hair thrown over the opposite side of his shoulder plate, the sight of which sent another delicious chill up your spine. You knew you should be repulsed by the sight of those trophies of war alone, but it served as a confirmation of something you already knew - this man was dangerous . There was debate on the HoloNet as to the origin of those braids - some who’d been following Fett’s career, as you did, were adamant that they were made of the scalps of Wookiees he’d killed; yet others claimed they were the braids of Jedi Padawans he’d hunted down at the request of Lord Vader himself. Your eyes flitted downwards to below his waist, heat flushing through your system. The greenish codpiece was just as battered as the rest of the armor - even more so, upon a closer look. Judging by the craggy yet shallow indentation located almost in the dead-center of it, some unfortunate soul had made a last ditch effort to save themselves by taking a shot at what they must have thought was the most vulnerable area on Fett’s body. They had obviously been wrong, and you were grateful for it. 

  Almost seeming to move in slow motion, the bounty hunter passed directly by the bar, and you could have sworn you could sense his body heat even from several meters away, could smell blaster smoke and blood on him. As repulsive as those scents should have been, reminiscent of battlefields and death and suffering, you felt almost soothed by the thought of being able to press your face to the rough cloth that held the Mandalorian armor together, breathe in those aromas as deeply as you wished, a smell that was so distinctly him . You focused your gaze on Boba Fett once more just in time to see him settle himself at a raised table in the corner, reclining back casually. He seemed to finally notice that all other movement and conversation in the cantina had ceased upon his arrival, and his helmet swiveled first to the left, then to the right, making direct eye contact with several goggling patrons, who uneasily turned away under his gaze. Fett’s visor then turned in your direction and your heart walloped frantically in your chest - ‘ has he noticed me?’ - but it became obvious quite quickly that he was looking past you, straight at the Bothan behind the bar, who regarded Fett for a long moment before offering him a grudging nod. Almost as if this were some sort of cue, the holographic band started up again with a lively rendition of ‘Sugaan Essena,’ and the muttered discussions, tinkling of glasses, and laughter resumed. The clients of the Paradise Atrium and Cantina seemed eager to forget that the deadliest bounty hunter in the known galaxy was seated in their midst. Fett, however, had cast his gaze to the city outside, watching the rows of traffic track across the nighttime sky, gloved hands resting firmly on his knees, deep in thought. 

  You watched out of the corner of your eye as three young Zabrak women wearing matching skin-tight baffleweave bodysuits made a beeline for Fett’s table as soon as the atmosphere had settled down, obviously over-eager for their chance to flirt with danger. You sniggered when the armored figure sent them away with a wave of his hand before they even had a chance to close in on him, watched them turn tail with their heads down almost as quickly as they had first come. You tried to ignore the coiling pit of unease in your belly as you considered moving forward with your plan, despite the fact that it seemed for all intents and purposes that Fett did not want to be bothered. You continued to watch the man as his attention was drawn back to the outside world. ‘ Oh, hell. You only live once, right? What’s the worst that could happen, he tells you to kark off?’

  “Hey… would you send a drink over to that table in the corner? Whatever he usually orders when he comes here.” You waved the bartender over, pointing a thumb over your shoulder at Boba Fett, jerking your chin in his direction as well for emphasis. You were trying to play it cool, sending a drink to the table of one of the most bloodthirsty men in the galaxy, but you were sure that the bartender could see your hand shaking as you made the request. The tall Bothan looked at you as if you had asked him for a diamond-encrusted barrel of Coruscanti bitters, straight from the Emperor’s private reserve.

  “...You sure about that, kid? You do know who that is, right? Boba Fett’s one tough customer. You’d be better off not messing around with that barve.” He leaned down towards you, warning you off as if you were a child, trying to play with the older kids who would only include you in their games if it meant beating you within an inch of your life. You nodded, looking back with what you hoped was a steely determination.

  “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

  The Bothan looked at you for a moment with great pity, as if he were gazing upon a creature that had just consigned itself to its doom. Heaving a sigh that quivered the fur lining his muzzle, the bartender turned and started preparing another drink.

  You couldn’t even look as the liquor was brought across the room by one of the ornate serving droids that wandered the cantina. You kept your head low, jiggling one leg on the stool beneath you, digging your fingernails into the glossy wood that encompassed the top of the bar. The minutes seemed to tick by excruciatingly, and you were overcome by the notion that maybe you should leave, get up and bolt when you still could, escape before Fett was aware of what fool had sent him the drink, go home to bed and forget any of this had ever happened. But too late - just as you were beginning to shift in your seat, to lean in the direction of the doorway and gather up the momentum to run, the bartender cleared his throat, causing your head to pop up at the sudden noise. The Bothan looked you in the eyes and did nothing but give you a subtle bob of his head, watching a point across the room. You followed his eyes, and stopped dead in your tracks.

  Boba Fett was staring at you.

  Openly leering at you was a better term for it, his entire body turned in your direction, lazily slumped in his seat, his legs spread comfortably wide. Kriff, this was just like your daydream. As soon as he was sure that he had your attention, and as if he had read your mind, one hand rose from its spot resting against the ample meat of his thigh, and two deft fingers hidden under an off-white glove of bantha leather beckoned you closer with a quick curling motion. It was an action that whispered, ‘ Come hither, my dear. Let’s play.’

  Your stomach lurched and your vision suddenly filled with black spots, and you bit down hard on your lower lip, the quick pain bringing you back from the brink of passing out. Your eyes refocused, the dark points fading away, and there he still sat, his position unchanged. He was waiting for you to come over. You looked back at the bartender for guidance - by now you were sure he had seen this song and dance played out here many times before - and the Bothan gave you a roll of his deep-set dark eyes, and a noncommittal shrug. He’d already written you off as another casualty, the sad result of human naïveté in the face of the galaxy’s bloodthirstiness.

  You rose from your stool on legs that felt as if they were made of bacta, your feet seeming to glide across the floor of the Atrium, bringing you ever closer to Boba Fett. The cantina patrons seemed to part like a sea for you, and you didn’t give a womp rat’s ass if they were staring, whispering about you. Your eyes and thoughts belonged only to the helmeted man who had beckoned you closer, and whose parted legs you were standing almost directly between when your long walk ended. You were so close that you could see yourself reflected in his blackened visor, dumbfounded. You were visibly trembling, and you could feel Fett’s body heat rolling off him, soaking into your own legs as you stood before him. It took you a moment to comprehend that he was waiting for you to speak, for you to make the first move.

  “...You’re here for Han Solo, aren’t you? Everyone knows you two have a rivalry and that you’ve been after him for ages now, and he’s here, and you’re here, and that can’t be a coincidence, right? It’s like -” The words rushed from your mouth in an excited torrent, and you were fully aware that you were babbling at him, but you couldn’t stop yourself if you tried. Every nerve-ending in your body felt sparked with the fire of a planet’s core, you were absolutely thrumming, and you didn’t care whether you sounded like an idiot in front of this man who you’d lusted after for ages, just as long as you were talking to him, that you had his attention. Mercifully, Fett’s palm came up, the same move he had used on the Zabraks earlier in the night. You stopped mid-sentence, your mouth still hanging upon, your eyes wide.

  “I’m here on business. What exactly that pertains to is none of your concern.” The reply was smooth and unhurried, and he didn’t even look at you. Boba Fett seemed much more concerned with what was going on outside the Atrium’s walls, his line of sight falling past you, towards the lights of the Administrator's Palace. Where Han Solo probably was, if the rumors of him being Leia Organa’s consort were true. So you were right. Even if he wouldn’t admit it in words, it was almost like the bounty hunter was showing you. At least, that’s how you chose to take it.

  “...Oh. Okay. ...Fair enough, I guess.” You cautiously replied, unsure of how to proceed when he offered no further conversation, and cringed inwardly. Stars , you were truly awful at small talk, especially with handsome men. No wonder you’d never gotten laid. Fett’s helmet snapped towards you like a sharp cut with a blade, his restraint with your dallying almost nonexistent, and you felt yourself flush hotly as you realized you’d just been staring blankly at him the entire time, drinking him up just as greedily as any Hutt would look upon a dancer. There was no way he couldn’t tell your intentions, and your confidence and excitability wavered. 

  “So what exactly is it that you want from me, girl? I don’t have the time nor the patience to be followed around and gifted tokens at bars by starry-eyed brats. Say what you will, or I’ll have you removed from my sight. Now .”

  There was ice in his voice, and you found yourself slightly afraid for the first time. The idea of Boba Fett growing angry with you was not something you wanted to experience. You had to say your piece now, or risk losing what you wanted forever. You balled your fists so hard that you were sure your nails were cutting through the skin of your palms, but you stood your ground. You weren’t going to let Fett intimidate you away from what you wanted of him, not now. You were too close.

  So you told him, blunt and straight to the point.

  “I’ve never been fucked. I want you to be my first.”

  Fett’s form stiffened in his seat, the gloved hand that had been nonchalantly resting on his thigh almost imperceptibly gripping the hard muscle beneath. You didn’t notice, nor were you able to sense the fact that he was holding his breath. 

  Despite the extraordinary self-control Boba Fett had cultivated over every aspect of his functions during his decades of bounty hunting, he felt his cock twitch involuntarily within the confines of his flight pants. He’d encountered plenty of cyar’tomade across the galaxy over the years, desperate creatures of all types looking to spend a night in his company just for the later bragging rights, others looking to fulfill some sort of bizarre erotic fantasy - he’d taken up plenty of those offers, and turned down even more. Boba Fett was a man who enjoyed sex, and he made no secret of the fact that he had been scoping the lounge for a prospective bedpartner after the meeting with Lieutenant Sheckil and his graysuits. That wretched smuggler Solo had a date with a carbonite chamber tomorrow evening after he and Vader’s planned ambush at the Administrator’s Palace in the morning, and Fett fully intended to vent some excess energy tonight before finally collecting on the barve’s hefty bounty. It was back to Jabba’s afterwards, and more bounties to collect on, and even less downtime. Fett enjoyed his life of solitude, practically thrived on it, but still… he was only human, and he had his needs. 

 What he hadn’t expected was being cornered and propositioned by a willing and eager virgin. And such a pretty thing, too. This was a first, and he had to admit he was already getting hard at the thought of teaching this naïf how to please a man, to be the one to take her like nobody had before, to show her just who exactly she was dealing with.

  “ Well … aren’t you a bold one.” He finally exhaled, still avoiding any semblance of eye contact with you, his focus seeming to be on stirring the cubes around his drink. You swallowed thickly, watching Fett’s index finger push the straw back and forth. He hadn’t touched the drink at all, but you didn’t care. You wanted that finger in your mouth, down your throat, glove and all, but shook yourself from the daydream when it occurred to you that Fett was watching, waiting for a response. 

  “I’ve found that fortune favors the bold.” You pushed yourself into the chair opposite him, trying to conceal how badly your legs were wobbling. You had waded chest-deep into completely unknown territory, and you felt as if you were going to faint at any moment if you didn’t take a seat. To emphasize your point, you reached out and grasped the drink you had sent to his table just minutes ago, tipping your head back and draining half of it in one swig. Your head swimming from the sudden rush of hard liquor, you settled the container back on the polished wood and steadied your gaze on the bounty hunter. Fett cocked his helmet at you, an amused snort emanating from underneath, a static edge to it thanks to the vocoder that helped conceal his voice. He laid his forearms on the table, leaning his upper body forward towards you, the posture of a gossiping schoolboy, mocking and insolent.

  “And what makes you think I’d want to be the one to break you in, vaar’ika ?”

  He almost purred the question, sickly sweet. There was no outright malice there, no, but he was teasing you; you could hear the laughter in his voice. You could tell he thought you were nothing but a stupid little girl who didn’t know what she was getting herself into, and it shamed you into silence. You felt your throat tightening, your eyes starting to burn, and you begged yourself, ‘ Don’t you dare start crying and prove him right. You know what you came here for. Don’t you dare. ’ But it was much easier said than done, and your attempt to coax yourself out of this panic only seemed to deepen it. You came this close to fulfilling your fantasy, you could have practically reached out and touched it, but it all had to fall to pieces because you were really nothing but a blubbering baby. You weren’t worthy of being with Boba Fett, and it had been a pipedream to think so even for a moment. 

  “I… I-I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what I was thinking , coming here. I’ve made an ass of myself and I’ve completely wasted your time, I’m so sorry -”

  Your eyes brimming with embarrassed tears, hot and heavy on your lashes and threatening to spill over at any moment, you ducked your head and pushed the chair out as quickly as you could, moving to brush past the still-seated bounty hunter and make a break for it out into the cool night air. With a harsh gasp, you felt yourself suddenly being jerked back by the elbow, almost stumbling with the force of the pull. Boba Fett’s gauntleted hand was gripping your arm in an iron hold, the black void of his visor locked onto your face. There was no way to tell, of course, and you couldn’t say how you knew, but you could have sworn he was smiling at you.

  “ I didn’t say no , little one . Tell me again what you want of me.” Fett intoned evenly, but not unkindly, releasing his hold on you. To your shock, he ran his hand down your arm as he let you go, and it almost felt - of all things - reassuring . Arousal pooled to your core so quickly at Fett’s surprisingly soft touch and tone that it took you a few extra moments to even register what he had said.

 ‘He didn’t say no. It wasn’t possible. Does he actually want to? ...And he called me ‘little one.’

  You could have died then and there, on the plush carpeted floor of the Paradise Atrium, but your words found you, every ounce of courage in your frame flooding through your veins at once.

  “Take me back to your ship. Let me give myself to you. I want to be yours tonight… only yours. Please .” You laid a trembling hand on his wrist, still expecting to be violently brushed away, told to back off and go home if you knew what was good for you, threatened with disintegration or a blaster shot to the chest or something . But the harsh gesture or violent threat never came. The scarred green helmet tilted downwards to regard your fingers clutching at the armor, and after a quiet beat, Boba Fett’s gaze returned yours. Although you couldn’t see the eyes hidden behind that dark, T-shaped visor, you could feel them burrowing into your very soul, sweeping over you greedily, like a prize to be taken. Shivers rippled up your arms and your stomach rolled, but you weren’t afraid. Not anymore. Silently, you withdrew your fingers, letting your hands fall limply to your sides, and Fett nodded, seemingly satisfied with your plea. 

  “As you wish, nehutyc’ika. Come, then.” With that, Boba Fett stood in one swift motion, and held one palm out for you to take, open and inviting.

  You felt as if you’d been kicked in the chest. You were instantly sober, any trace of alcohol from the night’s earlier wallowing fully flushed from your system by the influx of adrenaline currently screaming through your body. Your skin felt like it was on fire, and for a brief moment you wondered if he was playing with you, if this were some sort of sick joke, but you knew in the deepest recess of your heart that it wasn’t. He was serious. He’d made a career out of not backing down on deals. Boba Fett was a man of his word. 

  So you took his hand and let yourself be spirited away into the night by a figure from your best daydreams, and from other creatures’ worst nightmares.

[trashcatsnark]

I love that Johnny is the kind of person who would kill for you no problem and fuck you untill you can't walk, but stuff like holding hands or saying geniuine compliments just cause him to short-circuit and he just can't do this. I think it's an interesting part of his psychology, that he's all about grand gestures (kill for you/die for you) and physical intimacy (sex and whatnot) but he's still very closed off and unwilling to engage with just like, small acts of affection that can't be easily brushed off. And, of course, he thinks he's being sooo slick and nobody can see how much of a fool he is around V, like, he's such a clown, I love that about him.

YESS YESSSS YESSSSSS SPOILERS WITHIN, I WENT ON ANOTHER RANT IM SORRY

I read a fic I believe it’s called 505 on archiveofourown, which in general, has had a lot of ideas and concepts I love and has birthed inspiration to some of my own brainworms (the idea of V getting stuck in like 2010-2012 in a like manufactured cyber pocket universe lives rent free in my brain and i really wanna play with that concept in my fic too cause i needed more flashback content,  and like wanted V to properly have some sort of interaction with the past versions of Rogue, Alt, Kerry, and Johnny, like it’s so good and i highly recommend checking the fic out, yeet!) 

And they state that Johnny’s basically the kind of guy who if you called him up, its life or death, he’d be there for you in a second. But, if you just texted to ask how his day is, he’d leave you on seen. He tends to think, act, and operate in extremes. Everything is always cranked up to eleven and high stakes; filled with passion for everything he goes near. Cause those moments revolve more around doing, acting on something, rushing in; whether its attacking Arasaka or fucking, its all about doing something and he doesn’t really have to put his emotions or his heart out there. He feels intensely, extremely, passionately, but he can’t properly articulate that when it comes to people on an individual level. He can scream until the cows come home about his ideas about society and the people on a grand scale, on the big picture, but when it comes to individuals and his intimate relationships the action should be enough, to him, should say everything. He can hide behind the extremes, act on his feelings without having to truly bare his soul. There’s a comfort in that, he can act on his feelings while still keeping his distance. 

But, that’s harder with domesticity, its harder with everyday intimate affection, its harder with someone who knows you inside and out. Because he’s now committed to not only being there in the extremes, he’s there for the mundane and monotony. He’s not just there for hard fucks and terrorists attacks; he’s there for V casually (though they’re also screaming inside) grabbing his hand as they walk somewhere together, he’s there for mornings that start with a kiss and a cup of coffee, he’s there for cleaning the apartment, taking care of a cat, cuddling on a couch while watching bad tv, trying to help V cook (once they get an apartment with a kitchen cause why the fuck doesn’t v have a kitchen cdpr), there for conversations that have nothing to do with life or death, and casual i love you’s being dropped because that word is no longer an emotional bomb, but a simple reality. 

No walls, no barriers, no fucking off until the next time someone needs him to die or kill for them/fuck them. Emotional intimacy becoming a part of daily life. And oh boy is that a fucking scary ass concept. 

Cause being there and sacrificing himself when V could potentially die, feels like a no brainer, of course he’ll do that, that’s what he promised, what’s right by them, and he’d die for them any day. If that’s what they need that is what he’ll do. And he’ll say so to anyone who asks, proudly. Cause he can to an extent hide behind it being the right thing to do, its the right thing to honor his promise, to try to save them from this unfairness, even after mikoshi he can explain it away as he owes V his life, he can hide behind his own moral code. Brush it off as being “right”. In Mikoshi when he tells V he plans to keep his promise; there’s no introspection of the emotional intimacy they built, he’s still trying to keep some walls up. Its’ “we’re sticking to the plan” “I won’t do you wrong.” He can hide and frame it as a promise, what’s right, which is a huge aspect of it no doubt, but we know he has feelings beyond that. His own guilt, he own care and concern for V, hell, there’s apparently even a line where it seems he gets mad at Alt, like genuinely mad that they can’t save V. 

“You promised this poor little shit a new life and you lied! You fuckin' lied!”

It was about more than a sense of duty and keeping his promise, but he can hide behind that. (And with just sex, he can hide behind sexual gratification, paint it as selfish desire)

But holding V’s hair back or rubbing their back when they’re sick and puking; not relic sick, not dying sick, just neurovirus/ate something that disagreed with them/or drank a bit too much, regular sick...is different. Because V doesn’t objectively need him in that moment; they will survive without his hands in their hair or rubbing down their back, They will survive without him checking on them and once they get it all out, carrying them to bed. There’s no right or wrong even, cause its no one elses job to care for V. 

It is a choice born purely out of an unselfish desire to make them feel better, to care for them even in the mundane troubles of life. And he can’t, though he’d try, pretend that it’s anything else. It puts his feelings on the table, bares his feelings in a whole other way. 

[shawtygonemad]

Circle the Drain: Part 3

Circle the Drain

Daryl Dixon x Reader

Masterlist

WARNING⚠️: Mentions of drugs, alcohol, sex, mature themes, body image issues, overdose, pregnancy, miscarriage, and basic Walking Dead gore.

We lived in that sweet bliss for weeks... months... I couldn't really keep track of time. We just continued in that cycle of partying, drugs, sex, booze, bliss. The only thing that interrupted the cycle was work. The only time I semi sobered up to attend. Day and night blurred together most days. Sometimes I wouldn't even sober up to go to work. Good thing our customers were blitzed themselves to not notice.

The people I once called friends started to distance me when they noticed how fucked up I was most days. My family hated to watch me go down the wrong path. Everyone turned their backs on me. Soon I had no one but Daryl, and Merle by default. This resulted in me befriending the other addicts that Merle brought around.

Most days we laid around the living room floating on cloud 9. We'd giggle and chat as the TV played. Some times of baby sensory cartoons to ease our minds from a bad trip. With time feeling like a bizarre concept we slowly let our bodies wither away. We'd forget to eat or drink anything. The only thing we took into our bodies were candy and alcohol. Nothing sustainable to keep the average adult going. When we'd come down our bodies begged for sleep which we gladly gave it hours upon hours. It was truly no way to live, but we didn't care. The blissful high was too addicting to give up.

My body became weaker than usual and made me incredibly sick. I thought nothing of it. It was probably due to my lack of nutrients. Feeling this way made me try to slowly eat a little here and there. I'd have a pj sandwich, or chips, or even an apple we had laying around. None of which helped. I couldn't keep anything down.

"Still not feeling good," Daryl asked as he brushed the sweaty hair from my forehead.

I was leant over the sink panting heavily. My body felt like it was shutting down. I don't think this was something I could fix myself. I was going to need professional help. Something was seriously wrong.

"I think I need to see a doctor," I groaned.

"Need me to call in today? I can drive ya," he offered.

I shook my head and gave a weak smile. My shaky hand patted his cheek.

"Babe, you already called in yesterday. And twice last week. Anymore 'sick days' and they'll fire you. Then we'll really be screwed," I told him.

"I can get Merle to take ya," he started.

"No offense, D, but I'd rather crawl to the ER then have Merle drive me," I weakly joked.

"I don't blame ya," he chuckled. "Are ya sure ya can make it yerself?"

"Yeah," I breathed.

Slowly, I made my way to the local urgent care. They took their time even though they hardly had any other patients. During the exam they threw tons of questions at me. Most of which I lied about because I didn't want to get in trouble with the law even though it was against HIPPA to report. Something I didn't remember due to the blurriness of my mind.

My heart raced as they took the multitude of tests. The thing I was most worried about was if they'd find any drugs in my system from the blood work and urine samples. I didn't care about anything else. Not even what was wrong with me or about my well being. That's why I was completely thrown off by the results they gave me.

"Pregnant," I asked, baffled.

"Yes ma'am. Congratulations," the doctor smiled.

My whole world was turned upside down. I was pregnant... Daryl and I were going to be parents. It made my blood run cold. I had a little human growing inside of me. Someone I'd be responsible to take care of for the rest of my life. There was no way in hell I could do it.

I could always get an abortion. The thought just made me queasy and sad. Something told me that I shouldn't get one. I didn't want to. I'd have to discuss it with Daryl. What would he want? We've never talked about kids before. Did he even want them? This would be a big step in our relationship. We'd definitely have to get our lives together.

I was trembling and terrified the entire time as I told Daryl. I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. Would it be anger? Sadness? Every possibility ran through my head. However, I never thought of the reaction he actually gave. Excitement and happiness. It was something I didn't expect, but something that gave me great joy.

"Y/N/N, are ya okay? What did the doc say," Daryl asked as he gave me a quick kiss as he entered our bedroom.

"I'll survive," I smiled into his embrace. "But D, I have something to tell you," I whimpered.

"What's wrong," he asked worried.

I sighed before gathering the courage to confess to him.

"I'm pregnant."

He stared at me in shock for a few moments. He didn't seem to know what to say. When he finally came to, he wrapped his arms around me.

"What do ya want to do," he murmured into my ear.

"Can I be honest? ... I think I want to keep it," I shook.

He planted a big kiss on the side of my head and held me even tighter.

"I was hopin' you'd say that," he sighed with relief.

I pulled away to look into his beautiful blue eyes.

"Really," I asked, hopeful.

"'Course! I'd want nothin' more then to start a family with ya," he smiled at me before leaning down for a kiss. "Shit, we got a lot to do though! How along did they say you were?"

"Not too far. About 4 weeks, so we still have plenty of time," I grinned at him.

Merle, on the other hand, wasn't as delighted. He thought keeping the baby was the stupidest thing we could do. I didn't let his negativities get to me. However it did help me open my eyes. We needed to clean up our acts. No more drugs and parties. No more skipping work to fuck around. We needed to both move full time in order to afford this child. The trailer wouldn't be able to hold all of us, so we'd have to start saving money for a bigger place. Anything and everything needed to be done for us to become good parents to this little child.

However, giving up the addictions were hard, even for me. I had the sweats, shakes, and extra mood swings from the withdrawals. If I wasn't doing this for our child I would have given up easily. Fortunately, I didn't. I keep pushing forward for little Dixon.

I wish I could say the same for Daryl. He promised to stop for the baby and me. Merle just kept pulling him back in. Finally I laid down the law and banned alcohol and substances from our home in general. Sadly, this just drove Daryl out. He would be doing so well then he'd collapse again from his brother’s pressure.

The spiraling continued and got worse. It seemed like since we found out about the baby he kept circling further down the drain. He promised that he'd only take anything for special occasions. Begrudgingly I agreed. But soon everything became an occasion and lost its specialty. He distanced himself more. His love didn't feel the same. It felt colder and hollow. It was like he had become a shell of himself.

My heart broke every night I went to bed alone. It was like I had lost him completely. More times than not I spent by myself. My heart stung, but this child kept me going. I'd keep going for however long I could and prayed Daryl would get his head straight and join me.

***

Part 4

[jungkookiebus]

Hellblazer  pt. 1 | jjk

Genre: demon!au, smut Rating: M  Pairing: demon!Jungkook x FemConstantine!reader Warnings: demonic possession, wounds that would correlate with a “possession��, minor character death, mentions of suicide, rough sex, hair pulling, face sitting, multiple orgasms Summary: “Few people really think about dying... paranoids worry about it without really understanding it. Victims of fatal accidents and murder don't have time to think. You only really think about it if you take the time to. And you only take the time if you know it's going to happen.” -John Constantine, Dangerous Habits Pt. 1: The Beginning of the End, Issue #41. Author’s Note: You can blame the concept photos from today. Also, a kind anon requested it. :D

The girl’s deep, otherworldly screams filled the room as you secured her hand to the headboard.

“Hold her down!” you yelled.

Three men were on each corner of the bed trying to hold the frantic young woman down as she thrashed and threatened to rip everyone’s balls off.

Just your run of the mill demonic possession.

Sweat began to roll down your brow as you fought her. You were strong and equally strong willed, but these men were either scared to hurt her or scared of her. Probably both. She gnashed her teeth in your direction, spit flying, and her black eyes were focused on yours.

“You’ll never fucking get me out of here, Hellblazer,” she growled.

“Oh yea? Then how come you’re letting me tie you to this bed?” you struggled out as you planted your foot on the edge and pulled with all your strength on the rope.

“Your blood is just like mine. Why fight us?” her growls filled the room.

The priest that was residing over this possession was tucked away in the corner, clutching his Bible as if his life depended on it, and maybe it did. The girl’s mother cried in the arms of her husband begging the demon to let her little girl go. Apparently, she had been possessed for months and when the priest was at a dead end, he contacted you.

Little did they know was that you were doomed to fail. You always tried, though, to redeem yourself for your sins; hoping that helping others would make up for what you had done.

When she was sufficiently tied down, you moved to your leather bag to pull out the relics you had brought. You always moved through the same motions, knowing what you were doing was right, but never quite getting there; a punishment in which you wish you could be freed.

The cross you held out in front of you pissed off the demon as it should since it was made from the same wood from Christ’s crucifixion, having been passed down through your family for thousands of years. Or so your dad had said.

“Sancte Michael,”

Saint Michael,

“defende nos in proelio”

Defend us in battle.

The demon writhed against its bindings as you continued the prayer.

“ut non pereamus”

That we might not perish.

“You’re going to hell with me, you bitch!”

She was pulling so hard now that the bindings were beginning to cut into her skin. Her eyes fluctuated from solid black to her natural green and back again. The veins were black and blue against her paper white skin, her hair was sparse where she had been pulling it out, and her body was covered in bruises. The demon was essentially killing her from the inside out.

“in tremendo iudicio.”

At the dreadful judgment.

Two hours later and the girl was gone. Yet another failed exorcism. As if you felt like this would go any differently. You told the uncle who was there to help it was probably because the demon had been inside of her for so long. At least it was half true.

You shielded your hand as you lit a cigarette, took a long inhale before holding it and releasing it into the air. Standing outside on the cobblestone street, you squinted up past the dim streetlights and up into the night sky. The stars sparkled above you, ever present and totally oblivious to the shit show going on down here. You suddenly wished that you were among them, burning until you exploded and became part of the universe once more. Maybe then your stardust would land on some other planet that didn’t see shit like that. But maybe there was a Hell there too.

Your boots clicked on the uneven, wet stone. Looking down at your watch you saw it was three a.m. The night was cool, it had just rained, and you breathed in deeply the fresh air. Your lungs expanded appreciatively, with no sickness, not anymore at least. You took another drag of the cigarette, noticing you were burning through it quickly. Your nerves were still on edge from the exorcism and you knew you’d be thinking about it for weeks before the nagging feeling of failure went away.  

“Hello, little demon hunter,” you heard from the shadows of an alley you were passing.

You stopped, frozen in your tracks, but it wasn’t uncommon for you to meet unwanted people…or creatures for that matter from time to time. You made a mental checklist of every weapon and talisman on your body as you swiveled on your heel. Clicking the safety off your handgun, you pulled it from under your coat and pointed it into the darkness. You heard the click of a tongue in the darkness.

“That won’t do much.” It was a male voice, smooth as silk but layered in heat. Hell had a certain dialect and you knew that lilt anywhere. You were the only human that you knew that could travel through Purgatory, Hell, and Earth.

You saw the shine of his eyes even though none of the streetlamps reached into the darkness and you knew the dreadful darkness was made even darker by him.

“Then come out if you’re so tough,” you challenged.

He was a beautiful sight, as were most demons you had encountered, but this one was different. Based on his clothing; black turtleneck underneath an equally black blazer, dark jeans, and shiny boots, he was one of the higher denizens of Hell if not a general. One you had never met at that.

“What’s your name?” you asked, not lowering the gun.

“Why would I tell you that? Just so you can banish me?”

You scoffed as you squared the gun right between his eyes from that distance.

“I told you that won’t work.”

“Yea? Maybe I have special demon killing bullets since you seem to know me so well.”

“It’s not like I can possess you.”

“But you can kill me.”

“I can ensure you that I do not want to kill you.” He held his hands up defensively.

You examined his face. His hair was pushed to the side, exposing his forehead and the smooth expanse of his skin. You noticed a few tattoos on his fingers and hands as he raised them, but you still couldn’t figure out who he was, and you usually prided yourself in knowing everyone and everything from Hell. It was the smaller demons, the ones that possessed humans, that you didn’t know. The generals and Princes of Hell didn’t lower themselves to possession unless it was someone they desperately wanted. You knew of one Pope that was possessed for his entire career.

“Are you scared, ____?” he smiled.

“I’m never scared of your kind.”

He made a face like he was hurt by your words, clutching one of his hands to his heart. You saw a crown on one of his fingers and a few other odd shapes you couldn’t make out. Who was he? Then you saw the sigil when he moved a little closer. It was a small brooch on his lapel, and you didn’t need to make out the rest when you saw the gold glint of goat horns. He was of blood in the House of Satan, but who?

“Please lower the gun?” he asked innocently. His eyes softened as he looked at you and he dropped his other hand to his side, the other still firmly planted over his heart.

For some reason your resolve deflated. Slowly, you lowered your gun and by the time it was by your side, the man wore a wide smile.

Such a pretty smile…

You shook your head, bringing up the hand still holding the gun to press the ball of your palm into your temple. Eyes screwed shut, you willed yourself to think logically.

“What are you doing to me?” Your breath came out a little more erratic than you would have liked.

He looked even more innocent, eyes almost on the verge of watering as he stepped just a little closer to you. The tension between your brows relaxed and your hand dropped once more. He looked a little more satisfied this time as he approached. The clatter of your gun hitting the stones didn’t make it to your ears. Around you, the world seemed muffled. It felt as if cotton had been stuffed into them. A passing car, a person’s laugh, and crickets sounded around you, but you were deaf to everything but him. You still heard his footfalls the closer he walked. His grin was turning up at the corners and for a second he seemed wicked and a trickle of fear ran down your spine.

“Poor little demon hunter.” His voice dropped an octave as he stuffed both hands into the pockets of his jeans. “That exorcism didn’t work. They never do.”

This time his smile was wicked, and you felt exposed. He looked at you as if you were something to eat while still exploring your face for any change in your expression. You tried to not let your emotions show. You knew exactly where this was going.

Now, he was right in front of you. Dangerously close as your chest heaved in mild panic. You felt rooted to the ground. The world was no longer muffled, it was hauntingly silent. He leaned in closer and he smelled like a freshly burned out campfire with just the slightest hint of sulphur. His cheek was a hairsbreadth away from yours when he spoke again.

“That little suicide of yours will never be redeemed. You’re too selfish for that.”

Heat flushed through your body as the panic set in. He placed his hand over your heart now, pressing into your skin as he felt your heart beat furiously in your chest.

“And I know your soul is no longer in here.”

Your mouth was dryer than a desert by this point.

“But your blood is just like mine. It sings to me and I’ve never felt that before.”

His hand slowly slid up your chest and to your neck where he let his hand lay loosely there. His skin burned hotly on yours, further providing evidence that he was more than likely higher than a general. The higher you got the hotter the fire burned.

“And I’m not so sure I like that quite yet.”

His voice contained a mild threat. You had encountered many a demon and even Satan himself, been through the circles of Hell many times, and heard the cries of those stuck in Purgatory; but this type of fear was different. You were in awe of him, but at the same time completely repelled. You weren’t interested in seeing him in his demon form any time soon either.  

His lips brushed your cheek as he turned his face. He wet his lips as he paused against your skin.

“But I’m more than willing to find out,” he breathed.

His grip on your neck tightened and you felt your body flush with a different kind of heat as your eyes fluttered shut. Why? you asked yourself. Why were you doing this? The rational part of your brain was starting to be overpowered by the irrational.

“You want to as well,” he whispered. “I can feel it in that soulless body of yours. You’re just as empty as me.”

You grabbed his wrist and he gasped at the coldness of your skin. Your eyes came open to meet his as he leaned away from you. They were no longer human, no, those baby brown eyes were now replaced with a solid black with a deep red burning within. A quick rush of wind surrounded you, enveloping you so tightly that you couldn’t breathe, your lungs constricted as you fought to take a breath, and right as your eyes started to burn, air filled your lungs as your back hit a soft surface.

You gasped for breath, enjoying the burn of oxygen flooding your lungs, before a pair of lips were on yours. He was over you and you felt an expensive silk blanket beneath your fingers. His tongue slipped passed your teeth and he moaned as he got his first taste. You dared to explore as yours brushed passed a suspiciously sharp tooth.

“Hmmm, careful,” he smiled as he pulled away from you.

He sat up, bringing you with him, and was slipping your jacket from your shoulders before you knew what was happening. He then reached for the hem of the sweater you wore underneath and pulled it up and off. Your mind could barely keep up as he examined you. His eyes focused on exactly what he was looking for. A scar. The sigil of Lucifer was burned into your skin over your heart. He ran his finger gingerly over it and you took his distraction as a chance to look around. You were sat on a large, four poster bed in an opulently decorated room. But it was so, so dark and not in just a way that you were standing outside at night, but the feeling was there as well. The shadows were omnipresent and seemed to be teeming with some dark fear. You could tell that there was a large fur rug before a roaring fire, but there seemed to be a dark gray film over everything. The only thing you could see in full color was him. He seemed to almost glow in the darkness, his alabaster skin absorbing any light it could.

“A deal’s a deal, huh?” he asked rhetorically.

He leaned down again, capturing your jaw in his palms and kissed you, inhaling deeply as he lowered you back down. He kissed hotly along your neck, suddenly desperate for more.

And you were more than willing to give it to him.

You grasped tightly at his jacket, feeling the metal of the brooch dig into your finger. He smoothly pulled the jacket off and broke away from your skin just enough to pull the last layer over his head. Blearily, you looked at him and noticed his chest was covered in tattoos, there were some runes you recognized, but beyond that you weren’t sure. They seemed to wrap underneath his arms and disappear behind him as well.

“Don’t look too close, angel,” he said as he dipped low, flicking the front clasp of your bra open, and attaching his lips to your nipple.

You moaned, chest arching, as he sucked on the sensitive nerve endings. His hand was on your stomach, fingers splayed across your skin as he pushed you further into the mattress.

Dread seeped through your bones when at the same time he was pouring warm honey into you. You were in the deepest depths of Hell. No normal human could survive here, but when you didn’t have a soul the effect wasn’t so bad. Regardless, you had feelings and right now they were so mixed that you didn’t know which way was up.

Somewhere in the mix of his wet mouth trailing across your chest to the other side, he had disposed of everything below your waist without having you notice.

Fucking demons, you thought to yourself.

His splayed hand was travelling downwards, and he was just on the crest of dipping his fingers under your hood when he stopped. He nuzzled his nose on your neck and breathed deeply.

“My sweet, little demon hunter. I’ve been wanting to taste you for so long.”

Your hips came off the bed, wanting him to touch you, but he kept his hand in place. He rose above you again, moving swiftly as he stepped off the bed.

“Up,” he demanded, motioning you to get off the bed.

He then took your place but this time he let his head hang from the bed.

“Ride by face, baby,” he said, hands reaching for your waist.

Whether he had planned this, or this was another one of his tricks, you were at perfect height.

“Wouldn’t it be easier if you were the other way?”

“I want you to stand.” He was forceful as he grabbed your hips and pulled them, easily slotting you over him.

You gasped loudly as his tongue made contact with your clit. He pulled you harder against him as he sucked loudly on your clit before releasing it and laving his tongue over it. His mouth felt divine against you as you caught yourself on your hand. Your hips seemed to move on their own volition as you started to rock against him. He moaned loudly in approval the same time you looked between the two of you. With every other rock you exposed his glistening chin and strong jaw and you felt yourself getting more turned on. You ground harder against him mouth, rotating as he switched from stiffening his tongue to licking you sloppily. He sucked, licked, and moaned against you until you were shaking above him. You were on your tip toes, him chasing your pussy so that his mouth never left. You could see the prominent bulge in his jeans and you felt your mouth salivate at the prospect. Closing your eyes, toes curling as much as they could, and fingers digging into the silk, you came on his face. His moans almost matched yours as you continued to ride out your orgasm and he was licking up all your had to offer.

When your body began to shake with aftershocks and you flinched every time his tongue hit your clit, he pushed you off him. You landed on your back against the silk. He swung his legs around, stepping off the bed again and quickly disposed of his jeans. Weakly, you sat up and you physically felt your eyes bulge.

There was that wicked grin again.

“All fours,” he said, rotating his finger, demanding you turn around.

You flipped over but not fast enough for his liking as he yanked you to the edge of the bed by your ankle.

“You need to move like you want it,” he seethed between his teeth.

Your knees were almost at the edge as you got on your hands, shins and feet hanging off the edge. He ran his left hand slowly, soothingly down the middle of your back, hand creeping in your hair and you were about to lean into the touch when he grabbed your hair by the roots harshly and pulled back. At the same time, you felt the slam of his cock inside of you, and to the hilt. There was more pain right now that there was pleasure as he pulled you back against him, still holding you by your hair.

“Shhhh,” he whispered as he brought his fingers to your sensitive clit. “It’ll feel good soon.”

He cooed as you melted a little, pleasure coming back into your system as he rubbed small circles on the swollen bundle of nerves. He pulled out until he was barely in, bit down on your neck, and slammed back. Then, he started to move slowly, circling his hips every now and again to hit you a little differently while still rubbing slow circles on your clit. The skin of your shoulder burned as he bit and sucked, his sharp teeth surely leaving scars. His grip in your hair tightened as his pace quickened.

He gasped loudly as he detached his lips from your skin, eyes closed, cheek against yours as he gripped you tightly, thrusting into you faster and with more purpose.

There were so many sensations inside of you, pain, pleasure, fear, euphoria. The mix was intoxicating, and you found yourself losing yourself to him again. You were pushed over the edge and you felt a growing wetness as he pushed harder against your clit, rubbing and thrusting faster.

“Fuck, hng, ______,” he muttered as you tightened around him.

He was sweating and the slap of his hips against your ass was wet and loud, his chest seemed to stick to your back, but god was it hot.

You were slipping further and further. You wanted to beg him not to touch you, but he wouldn’t even hear you now. His breathing was heavy, uneven, and loud in your ear. His fingers dug into your scalp, skin burning as he pulled harder at your hair. His fingers, relentless, were throwing you into another orgasm that had tears streaming down your face. You no longer had the strength to hold yourself up, cry, or speak. His breath caught in his throat suddenly as he stilled, toned body rigid behind you as he came. All at once, his breath came out in a loud exhale as he moaned, body shuddering, cock still inside of you and filling you up to the brim. His cum mixed with yours, leaking out and down around his cock as he thrust a few more times. The sticky liquid dripped down your thigh and to the bed below you. After a few moments, he stopped. His chest still heaved behind you, but his hand in your hair loosened while his other wrapped around your waist. He kissed tenderly the bruises and small punctures on your shoulder, and you shivered at the contact.

“My little, demon hunter,” he breathed. “The taste of you is so sweet.”

You awoke to your alarm. Confusion settled in and you weren’t sure where you were. Pulling the covers from your face you squinted as the sun assaulted your eyes. You moaned as you rolled over, suddenly regretting the action as every muscle in your body protested. Every part of you ached in a way you had never felt before. Your neck burned and there was a slight headache between your eyes.

Was that some illusion leftover from the exorcism?

Fear, disgust, and a little of something else you didn’t want to admit washed over you as you turned to silence your alarm. Your heart stopped in your chest as your hand grazed across something cold. He had left his signature. Once again, turning the brooch in your hand, you didn’t need to examine it further to know there would be the golden goat horns.

He had been real. A demon of Hell had taken you as his own.

[ghostdrew22]

Death By A Thousand Cuts

Requested: No Pairing: post-war Draco Malfoy x fem!reader Warnings: alcohol and lots of angst

WORDS : 1211

~~~

Song - Death By A Thousand Cuts by Taylor Swift

"i get drunk but it's not enough because the morning comes and you're not my baby."

"my heart, my hips, my body, my love- trying to find a part of me that you didn't touch, you gave up on me like i was a bad drug."

"our songs, our films- united we stand. our country- guess it was a lawless land."

"you said it was a great love- one for the ages. but if the story's over, why am i still writing pages?"

~~~

Y/N L/N looks at the wedding invitation on the table and sighs- running her eyes over the names over and over again.

'Draco Malfoy & Astoria Greengrass.' It feels like a scene out of a movie- too perfect to be real. The rehearsal dinner is tonight and the wedding, next Saturday. For some reason she'd RSVP'd for both when the invitation had first come in all those weeks ago.

"To solidify their eternal love?" She reads aloud and laughs coldly- remembering how only months before he'd told her that he loved her and that their love was one for the ages. Her blood boils at the memory and she throws the nearest object straight at the wall- which happens to be the empty bottle of Merlot that she finished the night before.

Shards of broken glass land on the floor while drops of red wine slip down the wall and onto the wooden floor. She sighs in frustration and gets up to clean up the mess. She grabs her wand and ushers the broken glass into a corner then picks up a cloth to wipe off the wine.

How did I get here, she thinks to herself- trying to figure out how she'd gone from Draco Malfoy's girlfriend to his alcoholic, jilted ex-lover in a matter of months. One day he was lying next to her in bed and the next he was engaged to Astoria Greengrass. One night they were walking through the streets of London together and the next she was getting drunk to forget the feeling of his hand in her own. Four months have gone by since that horrible afternoon- four months of binge drinking and sleeping- but nothing can seem to erase the pain of waking up without him by her side.

He'd come home one afternoon- to the cottage on her family property that they shared- and broken up with her out of the blue. Saying that "they wanted different things" and "he couldn't be with her anymore", then two months later he was engaged to Astoria. It makes sense that he decided to marry her- why marry a half-blood when you can marry a rich and powerful pureblood- but it still hurts nonetheless. Especially because no matter how hard Y/N wants to hate Astoria, she can't. They'd been friends briefly during school and Astoria had been one of the kindest people she'd ever met- it's just unfortunate that she chose to marry the love of Y/N's life.

After the engagement had gone public Y/N's mother had encouraged her to move out into the muggle world and distance herself from the wizarding world for a bit. So Y/N RSVP'd,  packed up her stuff overnight and moved into an apartment in London- hoping that by the time the wedding came she'd be better.

She throws the glass into the bin before walking back toward the invitation. She picks it up and sighs- deciding that it's too late to back out.

"Maybe it'll give me closure."

~~~

She was wrong. The rehearsal gave her everything but closure- it was like the wound had been cut open all over again.

Beside the fact that Draco and Astoria look incredible together, the entire wedding is made up of concepts that Draco and Y/N came up with together. From the decorations to the music to the food- everything down to the detail is the wedding that her and Draco were meant to have.

Draco even has Harry Potter as his best man- someone that he wouldn't even have the luxury of being friends with if not for Y/N. After the war she'd smoothed things over between two of them- deciding that childish rivalries needed to be put to rest- and they'd become the best of friends.

By the time that the ordeal ends Y/N is fuming- ready to take out months of anger on the devilishly handsome blonde. She catches a glimpse of him walking into a room that's behind the alter and decides to follow him while Astoria is conversing with a few guests. It's no surprise that she's doing all the talking while he hides away- he's always hated formal events.

She walks into the room and he turns to face her just as soon as she's inside- almost being knocked off his own feet by shock.

"Y/N." He breathes out- taken aback by how different she looks now. "You cam-"

"Have you no shame?"

"What are you on about?" He furrows his eyebrows- even though he knows exactly what's coming.

"These are our songs- our plans! The life that we were meant to have together, you're starting it with her."

"Things change Y/N." He looks away from her- trying not to get lost in her eyes.

"Overnight?"

"Yes!" He runs a hand through his hair, "This is my life now."

"You could've picked a life that we didn't plan together."

"It's not like you were using those plans."

"You asshole." She laughs coldly, "I can't believe we ever loved each other."

"Don't get me wrong, I never stopped loving you Y/N." He looks at her sternly and gulps. "But what we had once is gone now."

"So it's just over?"

"Yes."

"If this is it then why can't I move on?"

"You're not trying hard enough."

"I'm not try- I'm not trying hard enough?" She shoves his chest and he stumbles backwards in shock, "You have no bloody clue how hard I've been trying."

"Y/N-" He warns- noticing how her voice is rising.

"You're every part of my life. You're the wind at night and the sun in the mornings- you're the sheets that I sleep on and the water I use to shower. I've spent the last four months trying desperately to scrape the feeling of your hands off of me but I can't even find a part of me that you didn't touch. You consumed every inch of me and then you discarded me."

"Y/N-"

"You gave up on me like I was a bad drug." Tears are running down her face now- she's letting out emotions that she's been trying to shove down for months. "Fuck you, Draco Malfoy."

She turns on her heel and makes to leave the venue- not even giving him a chance to reply. She bumps into Astoria on the way out- her smile as bright as the sun- and concern washes over Astoria's face.

"Y/N, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm okay." She quickly wipes the tears off of her face and gives a small smile. "This all looks fabulous- you're going to have an incredible wedding."

"I hope so." She breathes out nervously, "Thank you so much for coming, I know that it must be hard-"

"Don't even worry about it. We were friends once and I owe it to you to be there."

"You're amazing." Astoria pulls Y/N into a hug and she hugs back reluctantly. "I have to go but see you next Saturday!"

Y/N bites back more tears and goes toward the door so that she can leave. There's an image of Draco and Astoria by the door- they look so happy that it makes her sick- and it takes all the self-restraint she has to not kick it down. She clears her throat and walks out- sighing as the cold night air hits her.

"It should have been me." She thinks to herself as she makes her way home.

[nosebleedclub]

The Dark Suburb

((Posting again because the original post on June 11th, 2017 6:09pm is no longer available due to me deleting and re-making this blog.))

This is a compilation post of Nosebleed Club prompts from 2015-16 revolving around the concept of “the dark suburb.” 

Family Melodrama

something is wearing your mother

oh god his intestines strung up on the christmas tree

your dog’s body all over the house

banging on cellar doors

a creaking sound in your dead sister’s bedroom

warriors with spears and shields painted on the dining room ceiling of a violent family’s mansion

a woman in an expensive coat and an expensive car headed to her nephew’s funeral

coming home to a completely alien mother

getting a doberman on christmas morning that won’t let you leave the house

the reason your parents fled the city to live in the suburbs

summers in palermo where your father was looking for something

mother’s breakdown in the supermarket

the supernatural car you and your twin got for your 16th birthday

parents strangely and deeply interested in the boyfriend you brought home

a mom urging her son to quit basketball; she senses something is not right

all the holes - dozens of them - your mother dug in your backyard

grandparents hiding the reason your parents are away during your winter holiday break

your best friend doesn’t want to go to your house anymore

grandpa’s ghost followed us into the new house

dad hates her bc she killed her twin in the womb and then her mother

Do I Love You?

your boyfriend’s basketball shorts, his boy-aroma, his ghost between your legs when you watch the video of his last game

girls kissing in a gas station convenience store and a third recording them on snapchat

the boy you like drawing flowers on your ap biology practice test when you switch tests with him to grade

walking across a supermarket parking lot by yourself thinking of a boy you love

red mouth

girlfriend scrubbing the blood off her arms in the bathtub

in a tiny white house in florida, sitting on a beer-can-covered counter, legs spread apart, a boy between them

in a drug-induced haze i left home for his semi truck

he never fucked me without his ski mask on

a girl and a girl and claw marks on the door“don’t ever take me back”

The Occult

the incantation that annihilated a whole suburb

a body that drags other bodies into an oven

the witches gathering in the red lake

inhuman sacrifice

dogs gathered at the edge of town refusing to cross the boundary to the outside

a 10 year old girl with memories of a serial killing spree that occurred when her parents were children

white shirts hanging on branches all over the woods

the town of three-eyed children

arrows raining down on a soccer field

feeding time

mysterious scratch marks on your back

a fairy ring in the field where your sister disappeared

Crimes

just throw it in the back

snap!

we found the body but not the head

clearing in the forest where police found a blessed severed head

jar of baby teeth as evidence

children dressed as angels at the crime scene

seeing a face you thought you buried ten years ago at the supermarket

half a fraternity frozen under a lake

fbi agents rolling into a tiny town in appalachia

a severed arm among the hydrangeas

young men howling on the bridge one year after the murder

police cars prowling through your neighborhood, one after another - watching this from your bedroom window

Teen Dream

getting whipped by a towel in the locker room

best friend making the varsity tennis team

taking a shot of vodka in the bathroom after second period

boy gets a boner during gym class

“i’ll be like helicase i’ll unzip them genes (jeans)”

drunkenly reciting the quadratic equation

fear-mongering homecoming queen

track star died in a car accident

dead bodies photography club

“sorry i fucked up here’s some ice cream” “i’m lactose intolerant you douche”

article about demonic possession in the school newspaper

last pool party before summer ends & her hand on your thigh in your dad’s sports car

the first day back from summer vacation & someone in your friend group brings the whole #squad starbucks

a bonfire, lana del rey & drake blasting, the moon

weekend road trips to the ocean

walking around on the track alone, contemplating some philosophical concept you read about on tumblr the night before

coming out to someone completely random - a junior varsity basketball player

the last homecoming dance

lying on the track at your high school after sunset

getting picked up really early in the morning to go on a spontaneous weekend road trip

the sunday after the homecoming dance where you’re kinda tired kinda still energetic from the night before

inside a fast food restaurant drinking milkshakes eating fries until it closes

chill basement party where there’s white balloons gold confetti / glitter two girls who love each other kissing

sitting in the backseat your parents occupying the front of the car you look out the window you see the rural countryside crawl by

pool pizza party at night simple pleasures like that

on the bleachers during a powderpuff football game

sweating so much you might as well have been swimming it would be embarrassing but all the other boys are sweaty too

lost in the suburbs at like 5am and the world is still pale blue

lost in the city at 5pm the sun sinks its head behind skyscrapers

fights on the lawn of an all boys private school

applying makeup the morning after a breakup

huge friend group made up of oracles + boys’ swim team + legendary heroes + valedictorian

aesthetic blogging on a sunday afternoon just chillin in your bedroom

feeling like you could be something big if you work hard enough at it

getting psychoanalyzed by your teachers and parents and extended family

school bathroom pale blue tiles

a dream with damien hirst-esque elements

sleepover at your friend’s villa and you’re the only one awake

looking out at a black sea from your dead cousin’s bedroom window, seeing a light in the distance

funeral mass

chill that runs down your friends’ spines when you enter the classroom the morning after they tried to kill you

the sickness that spreads through the high school

sometimes i was a body in a dump sometimes i was a saint

he said he’d snapchat my burning body to all his friends

my body was evidence she was trying to get rid of

poison disguised as an eighteen year old

a world war between us

$$$

first: “super rich kids” by frank ocean

fast cars flecked with blood

girls who know you won’t be prosecuted if you’re young and rich and pretty enough

snapchat of a boy with red eyes and a glass of dom perignon with the text IS MY LIFE FUCKING REAL

snapchat of a girl’s dad’s black amex with the words MONEY CAN’T BUY HAPPINESS BUT IT GETS CLOSE

taking your middle-class friends out to nice restaurants but knowing they’re with you mainly for the money

“dude i know you’re only a year older than me but sometimes i think of you as my sugar daddy”

traveling to punta del este to find yourself but losing yourself instead

identifying heavily with the versace logo

an imperial bedroom and all one feels is the weight of all that empty space

“even my funeral has to be luxurious”

Hometown Visions

three dead owls on the side of the road

trees bare, houses barren

lanterns lit up on the dirt road at night

moths in a forgotten shed

a dusty old attic filled with dead rats and flies

seeing half your face in a splintered mirror. washing machine making dangerous sounds

midwest: watching a tornado funnel form from a window that won’t shut all the way

grass in the yard growing tall

girls carrying stray cats home

a cellar door swinging open and a man you never wanted to see ever again stepping through it, into the light

snake skins and insect carapaces organized on a torn mattress

a lovely place god abandoned

bat-filled house at the end of the street

a girl crawling out of a burning car

birds in jars

Hide & Seek

not being able to find anyone in a dark forest because they actually left you and it was just a cruel prank

person seeking you is something much worse than what you thought they were

being trapped in your hiding space & no one can find you no matter how loud you call for help

hiding in your friend’s house and finding evidence of a vile crime their parents committed

finding half of your friend

[taehyungs-perm]

strawberry girl pt 4

taehyung x reader; college au; childhood best friends to lovers au; jock!fratboy taehyung

genre: fluff; major angst lol

word count: 11k

summary: i can pretend i don’t miss you. i can pretend i dont care. all i want to do is kiss you. what a shame you’re not here.

Part 1 here ; Part 2 here; part 3 here; part 5

playlist vibes

i like me better | lauv 

get you | daniel caesar 

japanese denim | daniel caesar 

lovers | anna of the north

comfort crowd | conan gray

idontwannabeyouanymore | billie eilish 

It was probably not ideal to start your morning by sobbing in the lap of your best friend, but it be like that sometimes.

Hana was softly combing the little strands of hair out of your face, “_________, it’s okay. Why are you so upset about this?”

You rolled over so you could see Hana, brushing the hair out of your face, “Because Hana, I told you what happened last time. I fell for him and it hurt me so much. I was trying so hard to avoid this.”

She looked at you with a serious look in her eyes, “__________ you can't choose what feelings you feel. But you can choose how you act. You have to tell people how you feel when you feel it. You missed that chance two years ago but you have it again now. This is a good thing. Tell Taehyung how you feel.”

You sat upright, looking at her seriously, “Hana, it’s not that simple. He probably doesn’t like me back. And if I confess and he says he doesn’t like me like that, then what? I’ve ruined our friendship over something that doesn’t even matter.”

“It does matter! Your feelings do matter. And that won’t happen. I’ve seen the way he looks at you when you aren’t paying attention. He definitely likes you. Stop over thinking.”

“I’m not overthinking. If anything, I’m not thinking enough. I just should keep my mouth shut and hope this goes away.”

Hana shook her head, “What the fuck will that do? You’ll just sadly pine over him from a distance while he continues to fuck the rest of campus. Will that make you happy? Seeing him do that?”

“Hana, if Taehyung and I were meant to be, we would have been by now. But we aren’t. We are two different people and he just doesn’t see me like that.”

“And I’m telling you that he does! Even Jungkook has noticed the way Taehyung acts around you. It’s obvious to everyone but you.”

“It was just like this last time too, Hana. I thought he was so into me, but he wasn’t. He was into some other girl the whole time. It made me feel like a piece of shit. Like I was worthless and that I created this romance all in my head. I’m sick of waiting for love and I realized my life isn't anything special.”

She put her hands on your shoulders, “You have to start romanticizing your life. You have to start taking risks and do things for yourself. If you keep being afraid of what could happen, life will continue to pass you by and all the little things that make it so beautiful will continue to go unnoticed. You can’t keep wallowing in self pity. You need to do something about your life and for once not let it fuck you over. This isn’t just about Taehyung. This about how you live your life. I know you better than you think __________.You have to start thinking of yourself as the main character. You need to change your mentality of thinking you’re worthless and not enough.” 

You sighed deeply, knowing everything she’s saying is so true, “I know it okay. I know it’s the fucking capitalist misogynistic society that cultivates these ideas of insecurity and women and profits off of it to create an endless cycle of ‘I don’t feel enough’. And I want to get to that point where I can feel like I’m enough on my own. But it’s hard.”

Hana pulled you into a hug, “________ I know it’s hard. I just don’t want all of your fears and insecurities to stop you from achieving your dreams and going after things you want.”

You pulled away from her, “Do you really think I should tell him?”

She nodded excitedly, “I really, really do. Tonight is the perfect chance.”

You let out a deep sigh, releasing all the pent up tension in your body, “Okay. Tonight.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Hana made your way through the somehow already crowded lodge.

“God, Jungkook is such an idiot. I told him not to invite too many people because he only has one house, but guess what?” Hana said huffing as she firmly gripped her duffle.

“What?” You were following closely behind her so as to not get stuck in the crowd. 

“He somehow got permission to use his neighbor’s lodge too. As long as everything is exactly how it was. Which there’s no fucking way that’ll happen.”

You nodded in agreement. There were already too many fucking people here. But to be fair, you and Hana did arrive late. Most people arrived in the early afternoon to go skiing and tubing. You and Hana decided to catch up on homework and studying and arrived in the early evening instead. Hana ensured that both of you dressed in cute outfits because she really wanted to take photos for her Instagram. 

Hana was wearing an emerald green satin tank top with black skinny jeans with black strappy heels.

You rarely wore dresses because the lack of practicality with no pockets infuriated you but Hana somehow convinced you to buy the maxi length black floral dress you were wearing. It had thin straps so you paired the dress with a black long sleeve shirt and white sneakers.

She dragged you upstairs. “Jungkook gave us this room,” Hana said, taking you down the hall. 

“Us?” You asked snarkily. 

“Okay, in theory I’m supposed to stay in this room with you.” 

“But?”

“But...I’ll stay with Jungkook and Jungkook’s roommate will stay here.”

You already knew where this was going and you felt your anxiety growing. You rubbed your temples, “Don’t tell me..”

“Taehyung said he’s perfectly okay with it so...”, she said through a large grin.

“Hana, I told you. I just-”

“And I told you! He likes you too! This is your chance. Your opportunity!! You two are so cute together. You just need to talk to him about your feelings,” she said pushing you into the room. Thankfully, there were two beds. You felt like you couldn’t handle another night next to Taehyung. You might literally have a heart attack, feeling his body that close to yours again. 

“I don’t know Hana. I don’t know if tonight is the right time,” you said, setting your duffle bag on your bed. 

You were about to continue before you heard a knock on the door. At the doorway was Taehyung and Jungkook, the causes of your incoming migraine.

Jungkook walked over to Hana and enveloped her in a big hug. “I missed you, love,” he said as he kissed her forehead.

“Miss you too,” Hana mumbled from his embrace.

Your heart yearned with longing at this interaction. How you so badly you wanted someone to love you. How so badly you wanted Taehyung to love you back. You then remembered that he was in fact standing right in front of you.

You smiled awkwardly at him. His fluffy curly hair was covering his eyes a bit. He was dressed in a somewhat sheer black floral shirt tucked into black skinny jeans. He looked like a model. He waved recognizing that you were a bit uncomfortable.

Jungkook, still with Hana in his embrace, left the room, saying something about how she needed to see the beer pong table in the basement.

“Hey,” Taehyung said casually, leaning against the door entrance.

You felt your heart beating fast. God, did he always make you this uneasy?

“Hi,” you squeaked. Oh my god. Why are you acting like this? Can't you just be chill?

He laughed, “Are you okay?”

Be chill. Act normal. “I’m fine. Just tired. I was at the library since you left this morning.” You were trying to distract yourself as you started unpacking some things from your duffle. He walked over and sat on your bed next to your duffle.

“Hmm. Seems like we’ll be spending another night together,” he said, grinning wickedly. 

Your cheeks reddened at his words. You cleared your throat, ”Well, you’ll be sleeping in your own bed. So not really.” You continued to take out items from your bag, so you didn’t have to make eye contact with him. 

He angled his face in front of your bag so you had to look at his doe eyes, “Oh really. It’s just that after last night, I don’t know if I can sleep without you next to me again. By the way, I usually sleep shirtless.”

You immediately felt your face flush and the textbook that you were holding (you brought it just in case you got bored) slipped from your hands, thudding loudly on the wooden floor. 

He gave you an infuriating smile as he leaned down and picked up your textbook. 

“Sure everything is fine?” He said handing you the book.

“I’m perfectly fine! We should go downstairs,” you said hastily as you set the book on the bed.

“Okay, let’s go,” he said standing up.

“Wait lemme fix my hair,” you said glancing in a mirror. It looked like you just woke up. Which to be fair, you kinda did sleep the entire way to the lodge.

You undid your braid and pulled it into a ponytail. You turned to him and he frowned. 

“What?” You said, feeling self conscious.

He walked over to you and pulled the hair tie out of your hair, “I like it when your hair is down.” He secured your dark pink scrunchie around his wrist. 

Your heart fluttered. Wait, did that mean he didn’t like when your hair was styled in other ways?

He pulled your hand and gave you that contagious smile, “I know what you’re thinking. I do think you look good in different hair styles. I like it when you wear braids or ponytails. But you rarely wear your hair down. I want you to know that I like that too.”

You looked down at the wooden flooring, trying to hide your smile, “Fuck off. I could care less what you think.”

“Ayy, there’s my girl. Now c’mon you look pretty let’s go!” Taehyung said, leading you down the stairs.

It seemed like time had no concept here as everyone was drinking and dancing as if it were midnight. Taehyung led you to the basement where there were somehow even more people. The colored lights were flashing and the music was blaring.

You found your friends sitting on the couches towards the back. Hana was sitting on Jungkook's lap next to Yoongi and Hobi. Even though you technically came with him, Taehyung’s presence was making you overly jittery so you opted to sit in the free seat next to Jimin. He gave you a cheerful smile and you tried not to look at Taehyung as he sat opposite of you two. Hana glared at you in frustration when she saw your seat choice. You responded by flipping her off and turned to talk to Jimin.

Your conversation with Jimin was cut off by Jungkook exclaiming, “Okay, let’s play truth or dare.”

Hana scoffed, “Are you kidding Jungkook? That game is for children.”

“Not the way we play it,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

You immediately shook your head, “I’ll sit this out.”

Jimin whined at you, “Cmon ________ you have to play.”

You shook your head, laughing, “In your fucking dreams.”

Jimin stroked his chin with his hand, thinking hard, “You have to play otherwise...”

Hana chimed in, “Otherwise I’ll hide your textbooks.”

You narrowed your eyes at her, “You wouldn’t dare.”  

“Try me bitch” Hana said with a smirk. 

You sighed, giving up because you knew she actually would do it, “Fine but if it starts getting fucking weird I’m leaving.”

The dares got weird pretty fast. 

Jin was dared to lick whipped cream off of Yoongi's leg. Hobi and Namjoon were dared to go skinny dipping in the pool. Taehyung had to sit on Namjoon’s lap for the rest of the round. Jungkook revealed almost too many truths about himself, talking about his fantasy threesomes and his kinks. Hana was dared to do body shots off of Jungkook (she seemed a little too excited for that). Jimin was dared to remove his shirt for the rest of the game.

Luckily you had only been asked two times and chosen truth both times. Namjoon and Hobi were nice enough to ask questions that weren’t too exposing. However, things started going downhill once it was Hana’s turn again. You swore you saw her eyes glitter with mischievousness. 

“_________, You already used up your two truths, right?”

Fuck, you forgot about the two truths only rule. 

Jimin piped up, “Yep! She did.”

God, fuck Park Jimin for being such a boy scout. You nodded weakly. Your heart started to pound. You knew she was going to say something stupid. You uneasily glanced over at Taehyung. He had been suspiciously quiet to you all night, but you also were actively avoiding him. 

Hana cleared her throat, making sure to get everyone’s attention, “Okay so _________ I dare you,” she smiled widely and you knew you were fucked, “I dare you to make out with Taehyung.”

Your mouth gaped open. She didn’t. You looked at Taehyung and his face was almost as shocked as yours. 

You chuckled nervously, side eyeing Taehyung, “No, no.” 

Taehyung spoke softly, “Nah she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to.”

Jungkook laughed loudly, clearly having a great time at the expense of your misery, “It’s the rules. She has to. Other people had to do way worse tonight.”

You felt your face heating up and your heart was beating faster with anxiety. 

Jimin was trying to help the situation, “How about they go in the guest room so it won’t be as awkward.”

Hana pondered this for a moment, “You have to send a picture then. We need evidence that you guys actually kissed.”

You tried protesting but Jimin physically pulled you off the couch while Hobi did the same to Taehyung.

“Guys, guys, how about you give me another dare? I promise I’ll do that one. Just give me a pass,” you pleaded as Jimin dragged you to the guest room.

Your pleas went unheard as Jimin and Hobi pushed you and Taehyung into the guest room with the rest of your friends following behind. Once Jungkook slammed the door close, you tried pressing against the door but it wouldn’t budge. You sighed and dropped to the ground. 

“C'mon guys just let us out,” Ttaehyung tried to say in a serious voice, leaning against the door. 

“Kiss and then we will let you out,” Jungkook shouted through the door. 

Taehyung ran his hands through his hair and sat next to you, “We can just wait it out. They’ll let us out eventually.”

You nodded and buried your face in your hands. Then you heard chanting outside the room “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” 

Oh my god, I’m going to literally murder Hana. I am not going to do this right now.

He leaned next to you and whispered quietly, “I know you don’t wanna do this so let’s just sit here and wait. It’s okay, don’t let what they are saying get to you.”

You looked at him and felt your heart swell. God, you were so in love with him. 

The best you could hope for was that they get tired and give up. However, It had been like 10 minutes and the chants were still going strong 

You looked at him, desperate, “What the fuck do we do?”

He chuckled nervously, “Um...we could kiss?”

You looked at him. You could but this isn’t what you wanted. You wanted him to want you because he liked you, not because of some game.

You felt your anxiety come to a point where it was overwhelming and you weren’t thinking properly so you said rather forcefully, “No!”

His puppy dog eyes lost its spark. He dropped his head, “Oh.. ok. I know you think I’m really annoying or whatever but I didn’t think you hated me.” He sounded hurt. 

You groaned, shutting your eyes in frustration, “Ugh it’s not like that.” God, he was totally misinterpreting the whole situation.

Taehyung looked at you, clearly confused, “Then what is it like? Cause it seems like you’re so repulsed by the idea of kissing me.”

Then without thinking, you frustratingly yelled, “Oh my god, I just don’t want it to happen like this!”

Your eyes widened in realization of what you said. 

You began to stumble out your words, “I mean like I just think it’s weird because we are so platonic and like it’s weird and I think we can forget everything I just said.” 

Your words were becoming a train wreck and you couldn’t watch the disastrous scene unfolding in front of you.

He stared at you, wide eyed. He leaned his head against the wall, completely silent.

Oh my god, I need to fucking get out. You looked around the room and saw a small window at the top of the opposite wall, next to the bed. Bingo.

You glanced over at Taehyung. He was on his phone, texting. He probably thinks I’m a fucking psycho. 

You tightened the laces on your shoes and walked over to the dresser next to the bed. You climbed on top of the dresser and then you pushed on the window hard. It creaked open 

You heard Taehyung's voice behind you, “_________, what the fuck are you doing?” 

“I just need some fresh air you know. I just need to do this really fast.” You pushed the window fully open and you felt the cool air of the night press against your face

You were able to reach your arms through the window and once you got a good grip on the grass, you began to hoist yourself up.

“_________! What are you doing?” You couldn’t look back at Taehyung, but he sounded very confused and shocked.

“Um I just really need to go. I'm feeling so claustrophobic,” you struggled the words out as you pushed yourself through the window. Once one of your legs made it through, you began crawling out the window, “Ow! Why are there so many fucking rocks?”

You hadn’t realized that while you were struggling to crawl out the window, Taehyung had shouted to your friends on the other side of the door about your antics. 

You heard voices fill up the room and Hana’s voice yell, “_________ get the fuck down here! You could get hurt! What are you doing?”

Great, this is exactly how I wanted the night to go. But it was too late, you were already more than halfway out.

“It’s fine.” You shouted back, “I’m okay!” 

You exclaimed a cheer of victory once you were able to make it through the fucking window. You stood up and looked down at your clothes. Your dress was caked in mud. This is so great. Your life was a fucking mess. 

You looked around and realized you were by the pool. You desperately hoped none of your friends would come up looking for you. You dusted off the dirt from your dress and walked around the pool. You walked into the kitchen and breathed out a sigh of relief when you didn’t recognize anyone there. Then you heard Taehyung’s familiar voice and immediately ducked behind the kitchen island.

You glanced up and sighed when you saw him with Jennie. She was smiling and had her arm wrapped around his neck. He was keeping his distance with him trying to pull her arm away from her. You didn’t wanna stick around any longer because you were worried you would see something that would upset you. You made your way back to your room upstairs. 

Obviously seeing Taehyung with Jennie hurt you, but what could you do? They had history, real history and you were simply Taehyung's friend. How could someone like you ever complete with someone like Jennie? You loved Taehyung but how could that even compare what Jennie could offer him. He said to you that he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, just sex and Jennie was giving him exactly that. It was so fucking stupid of you to think you could confess to him.

Once you got to your room, you changed into black sweatpants and a simple gray tee shirt. You grabbed a towel and headed to the empty hot tub in the back of the house. 

Finally a spot where there’s no one and where no one will find me.

You rolled up your pants and soaked your legs in the hot water. You pulled out your phone and started reading the new book you started this week, Malcom X’s autobiography.

It felt really relaxing and peaceful to simply be by yourself for a while. Being social situations always drained you out a lot. You became so absorbed in your reading that you didn’t notice Taehyung walking up to the hot tub. 

“Hey strawberry girl,” he said right into your ear.

You got startled by his closeness, almost dropping your phone, “Oh my god, you’re so annoying.”

“So...what happened? Why the fuck did you crawl out of a window?” He asked, concerned 

The million fucking dollar question. Time to play it off chill. “I dunno. It just got kinda overwhelming. I told you I was getting claustrophobic.”

You obviously couldn’t tell him you were so fucking afraid of your feelings toward him and how you couldn’t possibly kiss him (game or not) because he most likely doesn’t like you back.

Luckily, he didn’t press further “Yea, it’s actually really nice and quiet out here. Can I sit with you here?”

You nodded and he sat next to you, not dipping his feet in the water.

“I’m so fucking sore from all the practices and games this week,” Taehyung said, stretching his shoulder.

“You should get in the hot tub. It'll relax and soothe your muscles,” you said still reading on your phone, not looking up at him.

He stood up, “That’s a good idea.” 

You assumed he would agree and then go and grab his swim trunks. Except Taehyung didn’t do that.

You heard a light clanking noise and looked up at him. He was taking off his belt and unzipping his pants right in front of you. You felt your entire face redden, mortified at what he was doing, “Taehyung. what are you doing?” You said averting your gaze.

“I’m getting in the hot tub?”

“Go and get your swim shorts!”

“Nah, fuck that. Don’t worry _________, I’m not going in nude.”

Thank god. You don’t know what you would’ve done if he decided to do that.

You peeked at him from the corner of your eyes. He was wearing blue boxers and he was unbuttoning his floral shirt. He luckily was wearing a black short sleeve shirt underneath. He had really nice calves, tanned and well defined. 

Taehyung stepped into the hot tub and let out a deep moan. Your face reddened at the sound. 

Then, your eyes met. Then, all while giving you a deep stare, Taehyung reached behind his neck to pull his shirt off. You felt your face flush even further. He has to know what he’s doing to me. He has to know that he’s riling me up with all of these moves. 

You gulped at the sight of his prominent collar bones and honey colored skin. You tore your eyes away from him and tried to concentrate on your book. 

It didn’t work because Taehyung's suspiciously quiet presence unnerved you. 

You set your phone done and raised your eyebrows at him, “What?”

“What? I haven’t said anything”

“Exactly. You’re being quiet. Which is weird.”

“You said you liked how peaceful it was out here. So I wanted to let you enjoy it.”

“Whatever. It’s weird when you're quiet,” you sloshed your legs in the water.

“_________?” Taehyung wasn’t looking at you anymore, he was staring at the water. 

“Yea,”

“Why haven’t you had a boyfriend?”

Ouch. 

“Why are you asking me that?” you said a bit hurt.

“I didn’t mean it to come off as mean. I’m just curious. Because, I don’t know, you say you want love. But did you go after it?”

“Why are you thinking of that?”

“Well, cause I dunno. I never thought about love. Or getting a girlfriend. But on the way here Namjoon hyung and Jungkook were just talking about how great it is. Being in love and having someone to love. And someone loving you back. And Jin hyung said he has met someone as well but he’s keeping it lowkey. And then you talked about how you want love too. That’s why you’ve waited. I know you've had crushes. But I don’t know why you haven’t gone for it yet. Or why you haven’t had a boyfriend yet.”

You stared at your feet in the water. He wasn’t trying to be mean. He just wanted to know about your life. You felt like you should be more honest with taehyung. He was always so genuine with you.

“I don’t know Taehyung. There’s so many reasons.”

“What are they?”

You gave a cold laugh, “No one has ever liked me like that. So there’s that. Then I’m scared. I’m scared of opening up to someone and they leave me. I talk a lot of shit I guess for someone who has never been in a relationship. I want love but I guess I realized love doesn’t come without heartbreak. So that’s what scares me. But I guess it’s fun to romanticize something that’ll never happen for me.”

“What are you talking about? Are you saying you’ll never fall in love?”

“I’m saying no one will ever love me like that. So I can say whatever I want about wanting love and a boyfriend. Because that won’t happen.”

He looked at you, astonished, “________ what the fuck? Are you being for real?”

You exhaled deeply. You knew he wouldn’t get it. Taehyung has never been in your situation. He’s always been wanted, adored, loved. You’ve never experienced anything like that.

“Yes Tae. I’m being serious. I’m not really looking for sympathy or anything because I’ve accepted it but I know guys don’t really like me. I know why, but I’m not going to change myself for a guy. It’s just the facts are there, Taehyung. I’m almost twenty and no guy has ever been interested in me. So it’s just whatever now. It’s kinda blessing though. I can just focus on school and not get distracted or sidetracked by any guy.”

He scooched over time where your legs were dangling. He held your hand that was planted firmly against the concrete. 

“________ please don’t think like that. You deserve love. Stop saying that you don’t. And you will find it. I promise you. I don’t know why you think guys don’t like you but I swear, you are literally perfect the way you are and I’m so glad you didn’t change for anyone. Your strawberry boy is out there. And he’s probably the most perfect guy to exist.”

You felt tears welling up in your eyes. Your strawberry boy did exist. And he was the one holding your hand. You didn’t want anyone else. You wanted him. You wanted Kim Taehyung.

You reflexively made a joke, just to move away from the fact that you were about to cry over his words, “I guess. You’ll have to beat his ass if he doesn’t like strawberries tho”

Taehyung laughed, “Don’t worry. I’m always here to beat anyone’s ass for you.” 

He rested his back against the edge and looked up into the night sky. 

“So... are you into Jennie? Is that why you’re thinking about love and girlfriends?” you asked cautiously. You honestly had no idea why you asked this question. You didn’t even want to know the answer. 

“Haha no. It’s just...I dunno I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve always said I didn’t want a girlfriend but I don’t even know why I’ve had that mentality. But now.. I think I want that.”

“Want what?”

“That closeness, that dependability, that love”

“Then what’s stopping you?”

“The right girl I guess.” 

You winced at those words. Were you not the right girl? 

Trying to distract yourself, you pressed further, “I mean you dated Yeji did that not count?”

“No, it counted. But our relationship was definitely highschool. It wasn’t....deep I guess. The way Jungkook talks about Hana...I know I never felt that in my relationship with Yeji.”

“I’m sure you can find a girl who makes you feel like that.” You hadn’t meant for that to come out as sneakily as it did.

He chuckled, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well...you’re literally the most adored boy on campus. And Jennie really wants to date you. So it’s not like you don’t have options,” you said truthfully.

“Yea, but none of that matters,” he said, sighing. 

You gave him a quizzical look.

He continued, “If I’m going to date a girl, I want to be friends with her first. I want to fall for her. And then I want to date her. I don’t want to be unsure of my feelings for her.”

Friends first? We’re friends. Could this...no. Taehyung and I have been friends for so long. If he had caught feelings, he would’ve said so by now.

You kicked your legs in the water, sad because it just seemed this talk with Taehyung just showed you to your face that he didn’t like you. 

You spoke softly, “That’s a good idea. No point in wasting anyone’s time.”

“Exactly.” He stretched his arms out, “Aren’t you going to get in the water?”

You shook your head no

“C’mon, get in. It feels so good.”

You continued to shake your head, “I didn’t bring swim clothes.”

“I’m not in wwim clothes,” he said, looking down at himself.

“If you think that I’m going to go in the hot tub in my underwear, you’re fucking insane,” you said cackling. There was actually no fucking way in hell you would ever do that even if it was your own hot tub, much less with Kim Taehyung right in front of you.

“Okay, just come in with your clothes on.”

“Tae I literally didn’t bring clothes for this. These are the only pajamas I have.”

He pulled your arm and your legs slipped into the water, your pants getting soaked.

“Taehyung!” You exclaimed, shocked at what he just did.

“I have clothes here, you can wear mine. Now please, relax for a goddamn second” he said, laughing.

You narrowed your eyes at him and flipped him off, “I can’t believe you did that.”

He was still laughing and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

You eased your back against the wall of the hot tub, your shoulder touching Taehyung. You didn’t know if your body was heating up because of the water or because of how close Taehyung was.

He perked up, his eyes dancing with excitement, “Guess what?”

“What?” You couldn’t help but feel endeared at his cuteness.

“I finished the second season of Avatar!”

“For real? Oh my god. Wasn’t the ending insane?”

“Bro it was fucking insane. I can’t believe Zuko sided with Azula. And I can’t believe she shot lightning at Aang! That was crazy,” He ranted ecstatically.

You and Taehyung had given each other anime recommendations since you both were looking for new ones to watch.

He rambled on, “I don’t get why you’re in love with Zuko. Like he literally betrayed his uncle, the one dude who was on his side. Maybe for a minute when they were in Ba Sing Se when he was a cute tea shop boy, I understood, but now?”

“Patience Taehyung. You’ll understand soon enough. He’s just lost and confused okay? He just needs someone on his team.”

“Ugh whatever I guess. I’m still not convinced.”

You shook your head, he would understand once he finished the show.

Then you remembered his recommendation, “I’m almost done with the first season of My Hero Academia.”

“Bet. Isn’t it good? Who’s your favorite character?”

“It is good. I like seeing Class 1A interact with each other. They are all so angsty teens, it’s so funny. Umm it would be a tie between Todoroki and Bakugou.”

He looked shocked, “Bakugou? You like him?”

“Yes okay! I believe in him. He just is confused. I'm rooting for him. I think he’s a sweet boy.”

Taehyung shook his head disappointed, “Do you just like all the broken boy characters?”

You opened your mouth to retort something back but couldn’t come up with anything. He was right, you really did love the broken boy arc. It was just the fact that you desperately wanted to help them and show them the love they deserved. Your eyes caught Taehyung and you couldn’t help but feel the same way. You wanted to be the girl that gave him those feelings of real love, to be a real girlfriend to him.

You and Taehyung continued to talk for a while until you realized you two were probably in the hot tub for way too long. 

Wrapped in your towels, you and Taehyung trudged upstairs, shivering from the cold.

Taehyung dropped you off to your room and mentioned that he would be back with clothes. You sat on your bed, buzzing with a warm feeling. Even though the voice at the back of your head was doubting every moment, telling you that Taehyung doesn’t like you like that, you couldn’t help but hold a feeling of hopefulness. He was here, with you right? Didn’t that count for something? 

He came back, dressed in shorts and a black t-shirt, clutching clothes for you. 

You took it from his hand and went to the bathroom to change. You smiled when you saw he brought your favorite sweater of his, the soft gray one, for you to wear. His pants were obviously way too large but you managed to fold up the pant legs so you weren’t drowning in his clothing.

Taehyung was laying on your bed, stretched out scrolling through his phone. He sat up when he heard the bathroom door open and grinned, “You look so cute wearing my clothes.” 

“Shut up,” you said trying to hide your smile.

You walked around the room and noticed the glass double doors between the beds opened. You pushed open the doors and the coldness of the night sent shivers up your spine. You walked over to the edge and rested your elbows on the railing.

The back of your mind was still spinning with Hana’s voice, “Just tell him how you feel!” But you couldn’t do that. There was just too much you were risking: your friendship with Taehyung, your heart.

You tried to calm your waves of nausea and anxiety by taking deep breaths. Was this even worth it? You looked up at the night sky and saw the moon above your head. You sighed, your gaze fixating on a dim star by the bright moon. It actually was quite a beautiful night. It was quiet, a comfortable temperature warm with a light breeze, and the stars amplified the moon's beauty. 

You heard Taehyung's voice behind you, “Damn jungkook really gave us the best room.”

You turned your head and saw Taehyung's boxy smile leaning against the railing right next to you. Your heart skipped a beat when you saw him. You immediately turned your head back to the star.

“Maybe he felt bad for making Hana ditch me,” you smirked.

He gave you a teasing smile, “C’mon ________ you didn’t want another night with the most handsome guy on campus?”

“And you wonder why I don’t shower you in compliments like everyone else on this fucking planet,” you said shaking your head.

“It’s ok. I don’t need the verbal confirmation from you. I know what you think of me.”

You glanced over at him, “And what’s that?”

“Even though you find me annoying, you also undeniably find me endearing. And you also think I’m hot.”

Your jaw dropped in shock at his words, “You’re so fucking full of it.”

He leaned in and brushed away the strand of hair covering your eyes, “Deny all you want but I know it. I can see it in your eyes.”

“My eyes?” you said, scoffing at his ridiculousness.

“Yep, your eyes give away everything.”

“Oh really? What else do they give away?” You said playing along with his game.

“They give away that you definitely don’t know how beautiful you look right now.”

You rolled your eyes. He exclaimed, “See! Right there. You don’t know that. I got that fr-“

You interrupted, chuckling lightly, “From my eyes, right? You’re so full of shit. I bet you use that line on all of the other girls.” 

“What other girls?” he said innocently.

Taehyung was definitely something, creating his own understanding of you, pinpointing things you didn’t even notice about yourself. He looked at you, his big puppy dog eyes glittering in the moonlight, his fluffy curly hair ruffled by the soft breeze of the night. Everything about him made your heart ache with want. 

He cleared his throat, grabbing your attention, “_________ why did you climb out the window? You weren’t getting claustrophobic in a bedroom.”

Oh, so he didn’t believe your answer. You tried to answer as calmly as possible, trying to not let your nerves show, “Um..I just didn’t wanna play the game anymore.”

“What did you mean by when you said ‘I don’t want it to happen like this?’ ”

Oh fuck he didn’t forget you said that. You dropped your head, desperately not wanting to make eye contact with him, “Huh? I don’t remember saying that.”

“Well, when I asked why you didn’t want to kiss me you said that.”

“I think you misheard. I said ‘nope not this’ ”

He said in complete disbelief, “I misheard? With you standing right in front of me?”

“Yep. It’s okay. You should go see a doctor about it though.” You quickly tried to divert his attention, “The stars are really beautiful tonight.”

Luckily, he seemed to understand that you were obviously not answering his questions.

“Guess which star is my favorite?” his head tilting in the direction of the night sky. 

You laughed, “I don’t know. There’s so many out there.”

“Just guess. I have one that’s my favorite.”

“I don’t know. I guess that one” you said pointing to the brightest star in the sky. It was quite far from the moon. 

“Nope. Try again”

“Taehyung, I’m never going to guess it. I give up, just tell me.” 

“That one.” He said pointing in an area near the moon. 

You tried pointing it out with your own finger, “That one?”

He leaned over and placed his hand over yours and guided it in the right direction. He looked at the star for a second and then looked at you “That one.”

You were fixated on the star and when he pulled your hand in the right direction, you realized he was talking about the star you had been staring at the whole night. You turned your head to exclaim to him the coincidence and you found his head only inches away from yours. 

The words got stuck in your throat. His jet black eyes were staring into your soul. 

“That star is my favorite because it’s the most beautiful. It might not be the flashiest star out there and it’s trying to be hidden in the brightness of the moonlight but I see it. And I think it’s the most beautiful star in the entire night sky. “

You realized you had been staring into his eyes for too long. He took both your hands that you hadn’t realized were trembling and enveloped them in his. 

You were panicking. Your heart was beating insanely fast . Your palms felt sweaty. You tried to back away from Taehyung, pulling your hands away. You took a couple small steps back.

He doesn’t like me. He doesn’t want me. Why would he ever kiss me? I’m not even half as pretty as Jennie. You needed to get yourself out of this situation before you get your hopes up and it fucked you over completely.

Your thoughts were interrupted by your arm being tugged back in his direction. You spun into Taehyung's arms and he caught you in his embrace.

His hands were placed firmly on your waist and your arms were wrapped around his neck. You never realized how tall he was. You were on your tippy toes and you still had to crane your neck slightly to clearly see his face. Tilting downwards, his face was centimeters from yours. His eyes were sparkling with a mischievous glint and he was smiling.

It felt like your whole heart was going to explode. 

What the fuck? Why did he do that?  Is he not completely revolted by me? 

You were attempting to speak the thoughts running through your mind but your brain had completely stopped functioning the second you got a whiff of his cologne. Your mouth was just slightly open trying to breathe because you truly were so confused as to what was happening. 

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered. 

The only thing you could manage was a small, shy nod. 

Then his soft lips molded against yours. You closed your eyes as you felt your brain short circuit. The way his lips pressed against yours for the first time didn’t feel like electricity struck you. Instead, it felt comforting. It felt like home: his embrace, his lips, his hands on you. Like this was always meant to be. He tasted like strawberry chapstick and spearmint His right hand crept up to the side of your face

and cupped your cheek. Your breath hitched. Taehyung tilted his head at an angle to open your mouth further.

You took this opportunity to push away for a second and breathe. “Taehyung,” you breathed out.

“Shut the fuck up,” he pulled you back into a needy kiss. His plushy lips sucked on your bottom lip and you moaned for a second. Your cheeks reddened at the sound you made. 

“That was so fucking hot,” he said in a shaky whisper. Your hands shift from his neck into his curls, balancing on your toes. You tugged on his curls, pulling his head closer to yours, something you’ve daydreamed about.  He cupped your face and brought you even closer to him. the kisses became deeper, more fervent. As if he couldn’t get enough of you. 

Your mouth opened in response. He took this opportunity to slide his tongue into your mouth. His tongue gilded against yours.  It was better than you ever imagined, better than you hoped, the feel of him; it was making you lose your fucking mind. 

One of Taehyung's hands remained at your waist and the other moved to the small of your back, pushing the front of your chest onto his. 

It seemed like time had stopped. Once you realized you were completely breathless, you pulled away. You were breathing very hard, your heart hammering, and your mind completely numb. He placed two more soft, sweet kisses on your lips. His pupils were completely blown out and his hair was a fluffy mess.

He breathed out, shakily “This is what you meant right?”

Before you could say anything, you heard a knock on the glass door.

“Hey, Taehyung, we need you downstairs.” Jungkook’s head poked out the door. 

Tae’s eyes looked apologetic when he looked at you. 

“I’ll be there in a sec,” he called to Jungkook

You were still kinda breathless. His hands were pressing into your hips as if he didn’t want to let go.

He leaned in and kissed your cheek softly. He whispered in your ear, and you felt a shiver trace down your spine, “I’ll see you soon.”

You nodded and he nuzzled your neck for a second, his lips barely grazing the mole on your neck. 

He slowly let go of your hips, his hands skimming your elbows and then your hands.

You watched him leave as your legs wobbled beneath you. You stood there, in complete shock as to what happened. Your whole body was buzzing, your arms covered in goosebumps, chills from what just happened. 

A cold burst of wind finally snapped you out of whatever trance Taehyung put you in. You softly closed the glass doors behind you as you re-entered your room. You laid down in your bed with a stupid grin that you couldn’t get rid of. You curled up into a ball and relaxed against the pillows. For the first time in a long time, you fell asleep with no thoughts of insecurity or worry plaguing your mind.  

You slowly opened your eyes and felt a familiar weight on you. You carefully looked behind you and saw once again Taehyung completely enveloping you in his embrace. His body heat felt so inviting and comfortable. Your face heated up when you saw he was indeed true to his word and was in fact sleeping shirtless with you. You grabbed your phone and saw a text from Hana.

Hana: leave by 10:30?

You: yep

It was almost 10:30 so you shifted in the bed to get up. Almost immediately, Taehyung pulled you back and whined sleepily, “Where are you going? Sleep with me.”

You giggled at his cuteness, “I have to go. Hana is waiting for me. And I have to get shit done today.”

He nuzzled himself in the crook of your neck, “Okayy. My smarty pants girl has to study.”

My girl? Does that mean...? No, he used to say stuff like that before. God, you and Taehyung really did need to talk about whatever this was. But for once in your life, you didn’t feel insecure. He must like you somewhat, right? He kissed you. That has to have meant something. You slid your hands against his broad chest, tracing his well defined muscles, “Yea, I do. But you can text me once you get back to campus. You should sleep in for now.”

He nodded and lifted his head from your shoulder. He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on your cheek. You couldn’t hide the smile that was blooming on your face from him.

You packed up your stuff, got ready, headed downstairs after saying bye to Taehyung. 

You texted Hana to let her know that you were ready to go. You sat on the empty couch in the living room, patiently waiting for her to join you. You were scrolling through Instagram when you heard a petite “ahem” in front of you. You looked up and saw an overly cheerful Jennie in front of you.

“Hi _________!” She said planting herself in the seat next to you.

“Hey Jennie,” Why the fuck is she talking to me?

“So, Taehyung was with you last night?”

“Uh ya,”

“So how was it?”

You wrinkled your eyes in confusion, not understanding her question, “How was what?”

She squealed, “The sex silly! How was it? It was your first time right? That’s such a big deal. Can’t believe you let taehyung be your first! You know he doesn’t get feelings for the girls he fucks right?”

You opened your mouth to say something but she kept going, not stopping once to take a breath, “Oh my god, wasn’t it so good though? I mean actually it might not have been that good since it was your first time but Taehyung is so caring, especially when it comes to sex. And oh my god, isn’t his dick so big? I know I shouldn’t really talk about that but since you guys hooked up I can talk to you about it. But his dick is so huge like you don’t even know since you haven’t been with other people. I’m honestly so surprised you guys fucked though. Like Taehyung usually likes girls with experience. And I guess girls who are...more into the party scene. Like it’s totally cool that you are into school but you're just like not really his type. But it’s okay because you guys fucked so his type might have changed, but I seriously doubt it. Anyways, I’m rambling. So tell me how it was!”` 

You blinked a couple times to fully process every word she said. Every single feeling of insecurity that you thought had disappeared came rushing back into your mind. 

What the fuck. What the fuck was I thinking. I never even told him I liked him. And he never told me. Taehyung is a fuckboi; he doesn’t catch feelings. He could have just kissed me because he was bored or some shit. Why would he trade a relationship with an average looking girl like me for fucking hot girls every weekend. I’m so stupid, what was I thinking!

You took a deep breathe and gave her a smile, “We didn’t fuck. We aren’t together. “

“Oh. Well. Then like girl to girl, I just wanted to let you know that Taehyung and I will probably be together officially very soon.”

You raised your eyebrows at this comment, trying to stifle a laugh, “Does he know this?”

Jennie looked offended but before she could ramble on again Hana texted you that she was outside. You immediately got up and headed to her car.

She squealed, “Soo what happened last night?”

You tried to act nonchalant, “uh, nothing much. We kissed.”

She almost crashed the car when you said that. 

Hana berated you with questions and you gave her the sparknotes of what happened, including Jennie’s weird little monologue in the living room. Hana was almost in tears when you recapped the embarrassing moment of you crawling out a window so you didn’t have to kiss Taehyung. She apologized for her stupidity in suggesting that dare but she insisted you needed the push.

You told Hana how you were feeling, especially how unsure and insecure you felt about the situation with Taehyung. She agreed that it was definitely unclear because neither one of you actually said the words “I like you” to each other. 

You and Hana came up with the plan thay the next time you were to hang out with Taehyung alone, you were going to confess. 

You only piped up the courage to do so because Hana made the convincing argument that Taehyung must like you back. 

However, once you returned to campus, the entire week, you were absorbed with finals and studying. Because of this, you and Taehyung were unable to find time to peacefully spend with each other. Also, your finals were finished a day earlier than Taehyung’s, so you went home early. 

This proved to be working against you as with all the free time at home was only more time for you to worry and overthink about Taehyung. Then, once again you were back to avoiding Taehyung and his messages because you were too scared to actually tell him how you felt.

Tae: hey. just got home last night. wanna hang out? 

Tae: ??? 

Tae: ur so annoying u don’t even have school what could u be doing 

Tae: im literally going to come over i live in ur neighborhood in case u forgot 

You didn’t think he would actually follow through but Taehyung did indeed ring your doorbell that evening. You pressed your ear against your bedroom door to hear the conversation between Taehyung and your mom.

You heard his deep voice, “Hello Mrs._________. How are you doing?”

You rolled your eyes at your mother's overly cheery voice, “I’m doing good, Taehyung. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. You’ve grown up so much!”

“Yes it has been awhile. I’m glad that _________ and I are good friends again. Speaking of __________, is she home? I tried texting her but she didn’t respond. Is she alright?”

“Oh, you’re so sweet! She is feeling a bit under the weather. She’s barely left her room since she’s come home. I’ll let her know that you stopped by.”

“That would be great. It was nice seeing you again Mrs. _________.”

“You too Taehyung. You should come over more often! I know _________ missed you a lot.”

Ugh god, your mom was embarrassing you. 

“Of course I’ll try to stop by once _________ gets back to me. Bye!”

You heard the door close and you groaned. You had to face Taehyung soon. 

Your mom ended up coming to your room and went on and on about how Taehyung was such a nice boy. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes. That’s what he needs, more praise.

You laid on your bed, trying to fall asleep but of course it didn’t come easily. As you were trying to focus on the white noise, you realized you kept on getting distracted by a loud pitter patter sound. You got up and heard the sound coming from your window. You walked over and peered out your window.

“You have got to be fucking with me right now” you said, rubbing your temples. 

There was Taehyung, standing outside, throwing pebbles at your window. 

You opened your window, the cool air immediately giving you goosebumps. 

You yelled in a hushed tone, “What are you fucking doing?”

His body smile immediately lit up, “Hey strawberry girl.”

“Taehyung, are you stupid? What are you doing here?”

“Uh, I’m here to see why the fuck you’re ignoring me.”

“I’m uh sick,” you gave two fake coughs, hoping he would be convinced. He was not.

“Cmon _________ I know when you’re lying.”

You heard some clatter coming from downstairs. Fuck. Your parents would be pissed if they saw taehyung outside your window. They obviously thought he was a good guy but your parents had a strict no guys rule. Taehyung was the only exception since you two grew up together but even he wasn’t allowed to come up to your room. 

“Taehyung, I have to go. My parents will see you and we will both get in trouble. We can talk later.” You were about to shut the window but he called your name again. 

“__________! That’s such bullshit. You keep avoiding me. Can’t we talk now?”

“Tae, I can’t keep shouting from my window. I’ll call you. Just go home.”

He stood firmly planted out your window, “Nope. You won’t do that. I’ll stand here all night throwing pebbles at your window. I don’t care if I get in trouble with your parents.”

Fuck. fuck. What should I do? Then you remembered. You went to your closet and found it stored on the highest shelf. Taehyung had actually bought you a rope ladder a long time ago for this very reason of sneaking you out. But you never ended up using it because you were always afraid of getting caught. You threw down the ladder and climbed out of your window quietly. 

Once you landed on the ground, you walked over to Taehyung, arms crossed, pissed that he made you do this. Before you could start yelling at him for being so fucking annoying, he pulled you into a giant hug.

“Missed you. Don’t ever ignore me again,” he whispered into your ear.

And with that hug, you realized how much you missed Taehyung. His warmth, his embrace, his cute smile, his fluffy hair. 

You mumbled, “Missed you too,” softly, hoping he would hear.

You pushed away from him and tried to hide your smile, “My parents are literally going to kill me. I hope you know that.”

“__________ you’re in college. You’re legally an adult. You don’t need to be afraid of getting in trouble with your parents.” Taehyung said, chuckling. He shoved his hands in his hoodie and pulled up his hood, shivering in the cold.

“Okay but you know my parents. They don’t give a shit.”

“Actually, that is very much true. I don’t think they like me very much.” He tugged your arm, leading you down a familiar dirt path. 

“Nah, they like you. For some reason they think you’re like a good kid.”

His mouth opened in shock, “What do you mean for some reason? I’m a great influence on you.”

“Oh really? Like sneaking me out or taking me to frat parties or..” you were trying to think of more dumb shit Taehyung had fully encouraged you to do.

“Or sleeping with you?” He said with a wink.

“Shut up. But for real. They can never know. They would bury us both alive.” 

“Man, we’ve known each other since forever and they still don’t trust me around you.” 

“Don’t take it personally. You’re a guy. They are just strict about boys in general.” You began to recognize whereTaehyung was leading you to.

“Is that another reason why you haven’t dated anyone?”

“Yea I guess. My parents think dating is a distraction. Unless it’s for the intent of marriage then what’s the point. Which I understand. “

Taehyung gripped your hand as he led you down a rocky path, “That sounds lonely.”

“It is. But like I said, it’s not really something I chose. It just kinda happened to me and it’s whatever.”

“I guess I understand in my own way. Dating does take up a lot of time. And I guess I’m afraid it’ll end the same.”

“Same as what?” 

“Same as Yeji. We broke up and I was so upset over it. It hurt a lot because we realized we had no future together. It was just sad that we made all those memories together and now we barely speak.”

“Fuck, that sucks.” 

He nodded, fully agreeing.

Suddenly the path opened up to a clearing, a grassy field with a large tree planted by a shimmering lake. 

He still held onto your hand as you made your way to the tree. You sat down, leaning your back against the tree and Taehyung laid his head on your lap. You started to ruffle his curly hair, playing with the strands.

“Remember how we used to come here?” Taehyung said, softly smiling.

You nodded, recalling how you and taehyung would come here on the weekends, having picnics, reading stories, playing cards. This tree by the lake was filled with precious memories for you and Taehyung. You kept coming even when Taehyung and you weren’t friends.

“Why were you ignoring me _________?” He asked looking up at you with his big brown eyes filled with worry.

“We were both so busy with finals I just wanted us to focus on our studies,” You said, only being partially honest.

“Sure, it’s not cause of anything else right?”

“What else could it be?”

“Maybe the fact that I kissed you and we haven’t spoken about it all.”

You closed your eyes, regretting opening your mouth. Fuck, you really didn’t want to talk about your feelings. You felt the familiar anxious feeling creep up into your heart. You took a deep breath and tried to remember Hana’s words, “___________, this boy likes you.  A lot. He kissed you. He spends time with you. He texts you.. He cares about you. He treats you like a girlfriend and he wants to do boyfriend things with you. He likes you, there is no doubt about it.”

You snapped back to reality, “Yeah that has to do with it.”

“Okay so let’s talk,” He said sitting upright, leaning again against the tree, his shoulder brushing yours.

“Um. Why don’t you go first?” You said as you felt your heart race in your chest. You were going to do it. You were going to finally tell him how you felt.

He gave you a cute little smile, “Well it was a really nice kiss. How did you like it? It was your first kiss.”

“Um uh yea it was really nice. Really sweet,” You babbled out.

“Okay cool. Well then that’s that. We don’t need to be awkward around each other right?”

You nodded. It was now or never. He seemed to have such a chill response to the kiss. He didn’t freak out so he must have enjoyed it. So that means he likes me, right?

Your voice got quiet, “Taehyung.”

His eyes met yours. You whispered out, heart pounding, “I need to tell you something.”

“What is it?” He asked, earnestly.

“I um...” you were racking your brain trying to find the right words to say. You were fiddling with your hands, hoping it would calm you down.

Taehyung looked at you, wide eyed, and took your hands into his.

He leaned in close, his breath tickling your ears, “Hey. You can tell me anything. I'm listening.”

Your brain shut off the second He held your hands. “It's you. It’s fucking you. I like you. I like you a whole fucking lot Kim Taehyung. I think I might love you at this point. And I just really needed to tell you.” 

It went dead silent. All you could hear was Taehyung's soft breathing, the rustle of the wind, and the quiet ripples from the lake. 

Then he smiled and let out a light laugh.

Your heart immediately lifted. He’s smiling. That’s a good sign. He’s going to tell you that he likes you too and then you could be a couple. You were freaking out over nothing. 

“Are you being for real?” He said shakily.

You narrowed your eyes brows, confused at his response.

He laughed nervously. Your confidence was going down rapidly. 

“__________ you aren’t being serious right?”

“What do you mean? Of course I’m being serious. I meant what I said.”

“Cmon ________ why would you do this to me?”

Your heart dropped. Oh my god. It was slowly becoming clear to you. He doesn’t like me. He’s mad that I told him how I felt. This was literally your biggest fear. He doesn’t want you. He never did. 

You couldn’t look at Taehyung anymore. You tore your gaze away from him, “What are you saying? You don’t have feelings for me?”

“__________ I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. But you literally do know that I’m not interested in dating anyone. I’ve told you this.”

Your voice was faltering as you tried to maintain a calm demeanor, “But...you said that...you were thinking about it.”

“Yea I was thinking about it. That doesn’t mean I want to involve myself with someone right away. I’m honestly not ready for a relationship again.” He sighed, clearly frustrated, running his hand through his curly hair. You were frozen, you felt hot tears well up in your eyes but you were determined to not let him see you cry.

He continued, sounding somewhat angry, “I just told you how much my break up with Yeji hurt me.” 

You closed your eyes, letting yourself absorb all of his hurt words. It was too late now. You couldn’t take it back. You let it all out, all your thoughts and feelings and it turned out to be exactly how you feared. You were an idiot. You let your guard down again and you let him in again. And he broke your heart. Again. 

You voiced another nagging thought, “But you kissed me...”

His words were sharp and cold, “It was just a kiss __________. It’s not that deep or that big of a deal.”

This is exactly what you were afraid of. Losing these meaningful moments with someone who not only doesn’t care about you but also someone who finds them unimportant. The kiss meant everything to you and absolutely nothing to him. 

Taehyung's voice softened, “I’m sorry ________ but I don’t know how I feel okay? I’m confused. I do like you but I’m just not sure if it’s the way you want me to.” 

You felt his hand cup your cheek and he tiled your face towards him, finally making eye contact. He saw your teary, red eyes that you tried so hard to hide. “I’m sorry,” he whispered out. The way your heart was thudding against your chest made you realize no matter what he did, no matter how he hurt you, no matter how many times he would take your heart and crush it into tiny bits, you would still love him. God you were so fucked.

You whispered back hoarsely, staring deep into his dark eyes, feeling brave enough to speak your mind to him one more time, “Don’t be. I just...always had this hope in my head, I guess. Maybe that with time...you could love me the way I wanted you to. But if we were meant to be, we would have been by now. Someone like me doesn’t end up with someone like you.”

You couldn’t take it anymore. You got up abruptly and left. You heard him distantly calling your name but you couldn’t turn back. Every muscle in your body wanted you to turn around and just say “forget it” to Taehyung and have things return back to normal. But for once, you listened to your head, it was over, you told him how you felt and he didn’t give a shit. 

You walked home, alone, feeling comforted by the coldness of the night. You climbed back in your room and threw the ladder deep into your closet, knowing you would never need it again. You laid in your bed, processing what just happened. You believed in something that wasn’t even real. You glanced at your tear stained face in the standing mirror across from your bed. You couldn’t help but wonder what it was about you that wasn’t enough for him. The truth was you couldn’t be mad at Taehyung. You didn’t even love yourself. And that’s how you understood why Taehyung didn’t either. You closed your eyes, finally letting the exhaustion set in and breathing slowly, as if all of the pressure of stress and anxiety were dissipating from your body. 

The reality settled in your brain and your heart: being lonely fits you. 

author’s note: part 5 will definitely be the last part. i was writing this and i realized it was getting very lengthy and there are some plot parts im still working out lol. anyways i was very inspired by some tv shows and movies i rewatched recently for this part (new girl, princess diaries 2, & ofc to all the boys). lmk what you think and if you would like to be added to the taglist!

tags: @fleurmoon @tangledsparkles @chocolatebelievercrusade @brokenobserver @ncitydreamies @soulstaes @bonnyskies @thelilbutifulthings @busansgloss @imluckybitches @xlectrahearts @embrace-themagic @bts-dreamybaby @belshka @trinbin039 @xxlostinseoul @sheislikearock @madjammil @guksflavor @yn-the-reader @kingjvngins @ggukkieland @waves-and-woods @aa-ronpa

[specterchasing-a]

Sucker Punch || Alfie & Eddie

TIMING: The day after I Swear It’s The Truth

LOCATION: Eddie’s apartment, downtown White Crest 

PARTIES: @yikesimonfire​​ and @specterchasing​

SUMMARY: Nothing will ever be the same for Alfie and Eddie, and now they know why.

CONTENT: Internalized homophobia tw, homophobia tw, emotional abuse tw

(This is an emotionally heavy thread. Let one of us know if you need a summary.)

It wasn’t often that Alfie found himself at Eddie’s apartment. For the most part, the time they spent together was almost exclusively at his place. Even when he dog-sat Bucket, the pomeranian was dropped off at Alfie’s. He never complained. In fact, it was more convenient that way, even when he was decidedly too busy to entertain guests. But things were different now. Bex was in the picture; not as one of Eddie’s friends, but his girlfriend. Not even 24 hours in, Alfie was struggling with the concept. It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. It should have been fine. He should have been happy for him — he wasn’t. The thought made him sick.

He thought about cancelling. Throughout the day, Alfie composed several messages to his friend as a means to get out of their plans, but he couldn’t bring himself to hit send. He couldn’t back out. Not now; not on Eddie. Not when the plans were made before the events of last night. So he persevered. He wanted to be a good friend, no matter how much emotional distress he was in; no matter how many silent tears he shed before finally falling asleep.

Taking a deep breath, Alfie rapped his fist against the door to Eddie’s apartment, the sound causing him to flinch. He didn’t exactly know why he knocked. The front door was unlocked. Alfie knew that. After a moment of hesitation, Alfie managed to still his trembling hands long enough to crack the door open and slip in, mindful enough to not let Bucket bolt out of the door at his arrival. 

“Hey,” he called out. “Just me.” Obviously. Who else would it be? Bex, maybe, if the time hadn’t been reserved specifically for Alfie. He didn’t want to think about that.

Until last night, Eddie didn’t know how much change a single kiss could bring about. He felt disoriented, partially because the knots in his stomach kept him from getting any sleep. It didn’t make any sense. He should be happy. He wanted to be happy. Instead, he felt worse than before. Alfie’s reaction to finding out about him and Bex didn’t add up. He sounded distant, disappointed even, as if Eddie having a girlfriend changed something between them. That was a line of thought Eddie decided against pursuing as bile gurgled in his stomach. He didn’t want things to change.

Eddie nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a knock at the door followed by the sound of Bucket’s paws skittering across the living room floor. He only did that for one person, the man in question, Alfie. Eddie half-expected him to cancel after the way he acted last night. Realizing he assumed wrong, his heart leapt into his throat before plummeting into his stomach to be eroded by the crashing waves of acid. Why didn’t his heart leap like that for Bex? Never mind, he didn’t want to know.

“Hey!” Eddie called out from his office, rising from his chair to meet his visitor. At the sight of Alfie, Eddie’s heart thumped pitifully as it drowned. “Fancy seeing you here.” He tried acting casual. Fake it ‘till you make it. “Everything’s all set up, even brought in an extra chair.” Why did he leave the office in the first place? Alfie knew the layout of his apartment, he would’ve made it there fine without him. Did he really need to see him so badly that a few more seconds of waiting would hurt? So many questions and not a single answer he wanted to acknowledge.

“Warning you now,” he said, walking back to where he’d come from. “It’s boring. All we’ll be doing is staring at my face and deciding what can go.” Eddie plopped into his chair, rolling back a few inches from the force. “You sure you wanna subject yourself to this?” Please say yes.

The sight of Bucket rounding the corner to meet him at the door gave Alfie a momentary rush of relief. A sense of normalcy, although fleeting. He crouched down to stroke behind Bucket’s ears as Eddie came into view. His heart lurched at the sight of him. It shouldn’t have. He wished it didn’t. Yet there Eddie was, beaming at him like everything was fine — or at least, almost. There was a sadness twinkling in his eyes that Alfie couldn’t quite place. It didn’t make sense. Surely, he must have imagined it. 

“I could say the same to you. Come here often?” Alfie foolishly flirted. Stupid. He regretted the words as soon as they left his lips. What was happening to him? He wasn’t usually like this. Or, if he was, he wasn’t usually so aware of it. But even now, standing in Eddie’s apartment, chittering off cliche pick-up lines, there was a stark contrast between Alfie’s tone and the look on his face. He tried to smile — to pretend that everything was normal — but his features mirrored the same despondency he could have sworn he saw in Eddie’s.

Without another word, Alfie trailed behind him to the home office, wriggling his fingers and clicking his tongue for Bucket to follow. At least he had Bucket. Even if he was about to subject himself to spending hours staring at Eddie’s face on the computer screen, the pooch served as a welcome distraction. 

“I doubt it’s boring,” Alfie retorted. He wanted to say that he didn’t mind staring at his face. To take his words out of context and insist that none of it ‘needed to go’. Not only would that have been uncharacteristic of their friendship, it would have made Alfie seem pathetic. Instead, he eased himself into the spare chair next to Eddie, careful to keep his distance. “Absolutely. I’m eager to see your, uh… process.” Had he said that nearly verbatim last night? Shit. 

And there they were, standing face to face in mutual mourning over something that never existed in the first place. Or, did it? Eddie had to wonder. Grief like this didn’t appear out of thin air. He had a girlfriend now, did that come with a hidden cost? If he looked at the fine print, should he expect to see Alfie’s name crossed out? When he kissed Bex, it didn’t occur to him that the average life he wanted so badly might exclude the one person he thought he couldn’t lose. The dejection written on his best friend’s face registered immediately, years of memorizing his expressions and the meanings behind them made it obvious. 

“Cute,” Eddie quipped, trying to pair the word with a laugh, but it came out hollow. He didn’t know he could miss someone standing only a few feet away from him. Deep within his chest, he felt something awful clawing its way up. If it managed to reach his throat and break free, he knew regret would quickly follow.

“Mm,” Eddie hummed skeptically as he pushed his hair away from his face, hands shaking as he did. His chair scooted forward, closer to the desk. Even when he wasn’t looking at Alfie, he was imagining his face. He tried removing the sadness from his eyes, but it didn’t work. He struck a key and an application opened. “So,” he started, clearing his throat. “This is Premiere, it’s the, uh,” Eddie trailed off, blinking at the computer screen. It wouldn’t come into focus. “It’s the editing software that I use,” he said with a slight shake of his head. “Adobe, y’know.” What was he saying?

Eddie pushed back from the desk and brought his hands up to his face, letting them slide down a moment later. “Sorry,” he mumbled. He needed a moment to regain control, he couldn’t let Alfie see him like this. “I haven’t taken my meds yet, it’s making it impossible to focus. Give me just a sec,” he explained as he stood up and slipped past Alfie, leaving the office in pursuit of his bedroom.

He closed the door behind himself and pressed his back to it. Eddie stressed the heels of his hands against his eyes and let out a pitiful, but quiet sob. “Why are you so fucking useless?” he berated himself internally. “Get it together, it’s just Alfie. It’s just Alfie.” The words repeated in his head, an endless loop, never successfully convincing him. His hands fell to his sides and he straightened up. If he kept acting like this, the chances of Alfie leaving would skyrocket. He needed to keep him there for as long as he could. Eddie shook out his arms and bounced on the balls of his feet, trying to get his blood pumping. A sharp exhale escaped his nose. He could do this.

Eddie waltzed back into the office and reclaimed his chair. “Okay, where was I?” He gripped the mouse, sounding more invigorated than he had before. “Right, Premiere. It’s expensive, confusing, and constantly crashes, but we love disappointment in this house.” A video opened on-screen, a mirror image of Eddie. He turned his chair to face Alfie, their knees brushing in the process. He tried to ignore it.

“You want the whole editing process, right? Technically, it starts as soon as I have an idea for a video. You always plan a concept with editing in mind,” Eddie explained, his hands falling limply in his lap. “Camera angles, movements, position, all of that should be mostly figured out before filming starts. But, uh, I’ll ease up on the behind the scenes talk and get to the feature presentation. We’re gonna have to watch this about 10 times, so,” Reaching towards the desk, he hit play on the video. His voice played through the speakers, spilling information about fae. “Someone actually warned me against making this one,” he mused. “Something about dire consequences. People are so dramatic.”

This wasn’t right. None of it was right. Clearly, Alfie’s behavior was affecting Eddie. Even last night, he called him out for being quiet. Just tired, Alfie had responded. He tried to cheer up, to act like the news didn’t eat him up inside. But it was easier to hide in a world of pixels and code than it was being next to him. “I’m vaguely familiar with Premier, if that helps,” he said monotonously; a desperate attempt to encourage Eddie to push forward. It didn’t help. 

In an instant, Eddie was rattling off an excuse about his medication and removing himself from the office altogether. “Yeah, sure. Take your time,” Alfie murmured, his voice breaking in the process. His eyes — and Bucket — followed Eddie out of the room. Suddenly, he was alone. Even as Bucket strolled back into the office, giving Alfie a confused head-tilt and a pitiful gaze, Alfie was alone. 

“What?” Alfie questioned the ginger ball of fluff. Bucket’s tail thumped against the floor, eliciting an exasperated sigh from Alfie. “You have no idea, do you? Not a single clue.” Not one brain cell was firing off behind the dog’s eyes. “You’re lucky,” he added. 

Coming here had been a mistake. He could probably still leave — slip out the door while Eddie was gone. But Alfie couldn’t bring himself to budge from the chair. Instead, he sat in silence and watched Bucket watching him. 

Before long, Eddie returned. His gaze didn’t meet Alfie’s as he elected to focus on the monitor instead and dive straight back into where he’d left off. Ignoring the fact that Eddie’s meds were not immediately effective, Alfie turned in his seat to give the other man his undivided attention. He had to put on a brave face; he didn’t have any other choice. But then Eddie’s face was on display. He seemed happier in the still shot. There was passion behind his brilliant eyes, and it made Alfie’s heart swoon. He stared longingly at the image on screen, interrupted only by Eddie’s knees brushing his as he turned towards him. 

Alfie swallowed the knot in his throat, glancing down at the space between them. Making eye-contact would be a mistake. There was no hiding the vacant gloss of his eyes, no matter how hard he tried. “Just… pretend I’m not here, if that helps,” his voice wavered. Alfie looked back up at the screen when Eddie started the video. Please pretend I’m not here, he thought, catching a mere glimpse of his friend’s face in the screen’s reflection. Two entirely different faces greeted him. 

Nervously, Alfie ran his tongue across his bottom lip. His hands clasped tightly together in his lap. “Like that’s ever really stopped you in the past,” he absentmindedly chided. This was going to be absolute torture.

It felt unfair, seeing Alfie in so much pain while working hard to keep his own out of sight. At the same time, it felt familiar, but that only made it worse. Eddie, in a desperate attempt to keep people close, became a stranger to himself. Put on a show, keep them entertained, but don’t let them know what’s lurking beneath the surface; they’ll love you less. And Alfie did love him, he knew that now, which was also unfair.

“Don’t,” Eddie pleaded softly, gazing at the ground for a moment before an unprecedented surge of irritation flooded his mind. “I didn’t know, okay? How could I?” Either Alfie would understand what he was referring to, or he wouldn’t. In a way, he preferred the latter option. 

“The first time I came into your apartment through the balcony, it was because you wouldn’t answer the door. And I think that pretty much sums up our entire friendship.” Anguish settled in his eyes, he couldn’t bring himself to fight it. “I turn my music up too loud because I know you’ll message me to complain. I bribe you to spend time with me. I do whatever it takes to get you to notice me.” His chest heaved with every breath. Eddie didn’t like being so honest, so vulnerable, but he didn’t deserve to be cast as the villain in this scenario.

“The past few months have been a little different, I didn’t need to work so hard, and I’ve always thought it was worth the effort, anyway. I know how you are, you’re not loud like me, you need a little convincing. That’s fine, I like that about you sometimes, but if you do this…” Eddie gestured at the way Alfie held himself. “If you make me feel guilty for having something in my life that doesn’t revolve around you, then I…” He trailed off, biting back tears as they formed in his eyes.

“I just wish you’d take a second, one second, to look at me and notice that you’re not the only one who's scared. Alfie, you are so important to me in ways you don’t even realize. Ways that I can’t make sense of without throwing my entire world off its axis, and that’s why I need this to work with Bex. With her, it’s simple—it’s expected. So, just… I can’t ask you to be happy about it but, for my sake, try to understand that I can’t be what you want me to be.”

Don’t. The word shook Alfie to his core. At that moment, he knew he fucked up. His shoulders tensed — his entire body did, actually. He was frozen, still locked onto the computer screen and staring straight past Eddie. Leave it to Eddie to see right through him. He anticipated a lashing of reproach; that Eddie was disappointed in his behavior. That’s exactly what he got,  tenfold. 

Alfie tore his eyes away from the monitor as he shifted his gaze to finally look at Eddie; a look of pure bewilderment. His thoughts began to run rampant as he processed what was being said. With each line came a blow to his gut and Alfie’s throat constricted, forbidding him to speak. But he didn’t look away. He couldn’t. Not when Eddie very plainly laid his grievances out on the table for Alfie to see. “If you make me feel guilty for having something in my life that doesn’t revolve around you, then I…” Guilty. He made him feel guilty. All because Alfie couldn’t bring himself to pretend for one goddamn second that he was happy for Eddie. Because he was consumed with jealousy over a relationship that was “simple” and “expected”. 

After a painstaking lull, it was Alfie’s turn to speak; to say something — anything — that might smooth things over. An apology would have been a good place to start. But “I’m sorry” were not the words that came out. 

“You think it’s easy for me?” Alfie scoffed, choking on the knot that threatened to suffocate him and forcing back the tears brimming in his own eyes. “That I haven’t even considered how I’ve made you feel over the years? How horrible I’ve been to you because I couldn’t deal with—” It didn’t matter that Eddie had pieced it together; he still couldn’t bring himself to say the words aloud. “What do you have to be afraid of, anyway? That I’d try to hold your hand? Or, god forbid, kiss you?” 

Eddie didn’t deserve the backlash he was receiving from Alfie. Nor did he deserve to be saddled with the responsibility of carrying their entire friendship. But Alfie was terrified to face the reality that they were both now painfully aware of. “I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry I ever tried to push you away. I’m sorry I’m not happy for you and Bex. I’m sorry, Eddie.” An errant tear ran down Alfie’s cheek and he flicked it away with a terse laugh. 

“I didn’t ask for this. I tried so hard to not— to not feel the way I do about you. I’m still trying. But I look at you and I—” Alfie cut himself off by biting his bottom lip. It wouldn’t do any good. Nothing he said was going to change the fact that Eddie would never reciprocate his feelings. He made it evident that he couldn’t be what Alfie wanted him to be — his own words. “I’m sorry,” he reiterated, once again unable to meet Eddie’s gaze. “I’m trying, really. I want you to be happy.”

Over the past few months, Eddie and Alfie reached a new level of closeness. As Alfie became more receptive to him, Eddie realized how thin their boundaries were becoming. It terrified him how much he liked the idea, so much so that his only option was running away. Enter Bex. He thought the answer to all of his problems started with her, but Alfie proved him wrong when he plunged into a comeback diatribe. 

At the mention of physical affection, Eddie bolted upright and out of his chair. He needed to put distance between them. His legs carried him to the farthest corner of the room, which still felt too close. Alfie didn’t do well with subtext, he should have known better than to rely on it to get his point across, but the idea of openly admitting to how he felt made his chest tighten. 

A barrage of apologies hit him in quick succession as he nervously combed his hair out of his face. Eddie couldn’t let Alfie think he was afraid of him, not even to save himself.

“I’ve never been afraid of what you might do, Alfie.” His voice shook as he gave his confession. “What I’m afraid of is that I’ll like it.” Eddie crossed his arms over his chest, as if bracing himself for whatever came next. “You’re not the monster here, I am.” He wanted this to be easy, but shards of glass lined his throat in the wake of truth. 

“Neither of us asked for this.” Eddie found it impossible to look at Alfie. Instead, his gaze remained fixed on a gap in the wood flooring. “But it happened anyway.”

Alfie was certain that he’d hit the nail on the head as soon as Eddie shirked away to the other side of the room at the notion of romantic advancements. Between the two of them, Eddie was always the one to initiate physical contact. It was never intimate; Alfie knew better than to believe it ever could be, and his friend’s present reaction only solidified this theory. If Eddie felt the need to withdraw himself from the situation, he wasn’t going to stop him. He didn’t move in his chair or turn his head to follow his movements. He stayed put, staring at the space the other man previously occupied. In fact, Alfie was so convinced that he was correct in his assumption that Eddie’s next words gave him whiplash. 

Afraid that he would like it?

Bewildered, Alfie shifted in his seat to face Eddie. His eyes desperately tried to search a face that couldn’t bear to look at him. It was impossible for Alfie to discern the truth behind these statements without proper facial cues. He was forced to take Eddie’s words at face value. 

For a second time in the twenty-four hour period, Alfie’s heart shattered all over again. “Oh,” he breathed, unsure of what to say. Nothing he could say would relieve Eddie of the sheer panic and shame he felt. Eventually, he settled on a single-minded question.

“Do you really believe that? That it— that you’re a monster?”

Alfie didn’t have much to say, only offering up a simple question. A simple question that Eddie choked on. His hand raised to cover his mouth as an influx of contradicting emotions lashed out from within. He nodded wordlessly, closing his eyes tightly to fight back tears. He wanted to beg Alfie to tell him how wrong he was, to dissuade him from believing the lies his parents told him, but the words wouldn’t come out.

His back hit the wall and Eddie slid to the floor. He bit back a sob, trying to stay quiet. His dad lived half-way across town, but he still half-expected him to suddenly appear and tell him to keep it down. According to Jim Carridine, Eddie only cried for attention or to make people feel guilty. It never stemmed from anything real, only girls cried their pain out.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie instinctively apologized as he wiped the tears from his eyes. He noticed his position on the floor and cringed; he wanted to shrink his existence. Eddie did the next best thing and pulled his knees to his chest. 

“I don’t know why it hurts so much,” he admitted with a sniffle. “I don’t think less of anyone else because of who they wanna be with, I really don’t, but when it comes to me…” Eddie shook his head sadly. “I’m already so different. People don’t need another excuse to tell me what I’m doing is wrong. And, yeah, it’s just their opinions, but it’s still too heavy. I can’t carry any more.”

He didn’t know what to expect from a question like that. Honestly, Alfie wasn’t even sure why he chose to focus on that part specifically. Maybe it was because he was afraid that Eddie did think he was a monster, but chose to carry the burden himself as a martyr. Or, maybe it was because he knew how fragile Eddie’s sense of self-worth truly was and that suggesting otherwise wouldn’t have accomplished anything. 

But then Eddie continued to break, all because he asked him if he actually believed it. Of course he did; Alfie should have known better than to doubt how much hatred his friend harbored for himself. 

“Hey, hey— whoa, whoa, whoa,” Alfie sputtered, more or less flinging himself from the chair to join Eddie on the floor. This wasn’t the first time that he caught Eddie in a vulnerable state. He’d seen him emotional, probably even shed a few tears. But moments like that never lasted long. Eddie was an expert at masking his emotions.

This was different.

Not only was Alfie bad at comforting people in general, he was entirely clueless as to what Eddie needed right now. A friend — he could give him that much. Alfie managed to swallow his own pain just enough to drape an arm over Eddie’s shoulder. He wouldn’t blame him if he pushed him away, but he had to try. 

“Eddie, listen to me,” he began softly. “That’s not true — none of it. Okay? This sucks. It fucking sucks. But you are so much more than what anyone says you are, alright?” New tears pooled in Alfie’s eyes and he quickly brushed them away with his free hand before extending the gesture to Eddie. “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry I was an asshole. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to—” 

A deep frown etched onto Alfie’s features and he let out a trembling sigh. If he kept this up, he’d likely make things worse. “You’re my best friend, Eddie. That’s not going to change, alright?” He wasn’t in the position to make promises like that, no matter how much he wanted to believe it. At the end of the day, he still had to go back to his apartment where he’d only be left with his thoughts. “Bex’ll be good for you, right? So… so, okay. Give it a chance. You owe it to yourself to try, right? And you’ll still have me.” He hoped that wasn’t a lie; for both of their sakes. 

Turning points, both big and small, happen every day. Intentional or not, change is both constant and inevitable. As Alfie embraced him, Eddie knew nothing would ever be the same between them again. The truth about their feelings stripped away the comfort of denial and ushered them into a new chapter, one that terrified Eddie. As far as he could tell, he had two options. The first involved swallowing the truth and dating Bex. The second was wiping away his tears. It didn’t occur to him that his choice should include his feelings as well as Bex and Alfie’s, Eddie didn’t think in those terms. 

When Alfie encouraged him to keep playing house with Bex, claiming nothing needed to change, Eddie sprung forward and wrapped his arms around his best friend. He knew a lie when he heard one. No matter what choice he made, things were irrevocably different now. No amount of pretending would undo the past two days, but he appreciated Alfie’s dedication to the fabricated life he said he wanted.

Eddie breathed in Alfie’s scent, unsure of when he might get another chance. So much begged to be said, additions to his initial confession, but he stayed silent as his grip tightened. In a perfect world, the two of them would stay like this and the rest of the world would leave them alone. But they didn’t live in a perfect world. Alfie would eventually return to his apartment, the change would set in, and their friendship would slowly dissolve. Eddie wondered how much damage a kiss would do. Just one, to know what love felt like pressed against his lips. Too much, probably.

“You changed my life, Alfie,” Eddie whispered with his eyes closed. “No matter what happens, I want you to know that, at least. And I don’t regret any of it.”

Eddie released his hold on Alfie and pulled away enough to look him in the eyes. “One of these days, I’m gonna catch up to where you are. Until then, keep the balcony unlocked for me, okay?”

[fallout-lou-begas]

Elevated Extras: Ranger Ghost Companion

You a Courier? If so, this might be your lucky day...if you don't mind walking a bit and your eyes are good. 

(Original sketch by @tarberrymentats / based on the OC Companion Meme by @falloutfandomeventhub / if you borrow this concept please tag it as #fallout elevated extras)

General

Name: Ranger Ghost

Location: Mojave Outpost

How to obtain: Complete the sidequest “Keep Your Eyes on the Prize,” then begin the sidequest “Giving Up the Ghost” to get her reassigned from the Mojave Outpost. Once freed of her assignment, she can travel with the Courier to monitor Legion activity throughout the Mojave.

Companion Quest: “Giving Up the Ghost.”

Ranger Ghost, like everyone else, is sick and tired of being stuck at the Mojave Outpost. Unfortunately, orders are orders. With the courier’s help, though, she just might be able to come down from that rooftop, but dealing with NCR bureaucracy might be a worse ordeal than Legion crucifixion.

Companion Wheel

I think we should travel together. You probably can’t tell, but that’d make me very happy. Let’s get the hell out of here.

Let’s talk about your tactics. Sure. Lecture the ranger on tactics. Go ahead. / What’re you thinking?

I want you to change your combat style. (humoring) Alright. / If you insist.

Use a melee weapon. Close combat, then. / Sure. We can hold their hands and tuck them in while we’re at it. / (Wild Wasteland Enabled) Try to remember the basics of CQC.

Use a ranged weapon. (stating the obvious) It’s what I do. / You going to spot for me? / (deeply sarcastic) Aww. Finally remembered I’m a ranger?

Be passive. Sure, give peace a chance. / Don’t go pacifist on me, now.

Be aggressive: Locked and loaded. / (mocking the company line) Right, and with “extreme prejudice.”

Enough about tactics. Agreed. Anything else? / Are we good, then?

Let’s talk about how close you’re following me. Is there a problem? / What are you...implying, exactly?

Wait here. Right. Things to do, places to be? / Holding down here. / I’ll keep watch here.

Follow me. Let’s roll out. / Finally. Don’t like waiting. / Right. Skip to my fucking lou.

Stay close to me. (sternly cautious) Define “close.” / Got it, on you. / Just don’t bump my gun.

Keep your distance. Positioning, got it. / Yeah, covering you. / (facetious concern) Don’t get lost, now.

Let’s trade equipment. Don’t get fucking handsy, now. / Just don’t hog the ammo.

(Overburdened). I’m not your fucking pack brahmin. / (exasperated) I’ve only got so many pockets.

(Sneaking). Staying low. / (wryly imperative) Quiet, now.

(In Courier’s iron sights). What the fuck is wrong with you? / (slowly, emphasizing) Watch your trigger discipline. / Don’t make me take that away.

(Courier lays mine). I’ve got my eyes on that. / You’d better have a plan for that.

It’s time for us to part ways. It’s because i’m a bitch, isn’t it. / Such sweet fucking sorrow, I bet.

I’d like you to go to the Lucky 38. Hm. Sending the Ghost to the haunted house. See you there. I’ll try not to spook the Securitrons.

We can meet again at the Mojave Outpost. (sucks teeth) Guess I’ll report what I’ve got back to headquarters. Hopefully by now they’ve got someone else watching the brahmins shit full-time.

Injured: (seething) SSShhit. / Didn’t want it like this. / (with conviction) I didn’t get off that roof just to fucking bite it.

Damaged Limb: (shout of pain) Fucker clipped me! / Sure could use a fucking medic.

Regaining Consciousness: What...what the hell happened? / (trailing off) Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck...

Death: (death rattle) / (weakly) Ghosts...can die, huh...ha...

Attributes

Aggression: Aggressive.

Confidence: Brave.

Assistance: Helps friends and allies.

Karma: Neutral.

Perks

Ghost of a Chance: When Ranger Ghost is by your side, so are the odds. In addition to gaining an extra 3% chance to critically hit, any single attack that would kill you may instead leave you just barely alive and invulnerable for a brief moment..

Drops, if killed

Ranger Vest Outfit

Ranger Grey Hat

Authority Glasses

Cowboy Repeater

Combat Knife

Iguana Bits

Grognak the Barbarian

Dialogue, Quest Details, and Ending Slides:

Dialogue

Why do they call you Ghost? What, don’t I scare you? Boo? Nothing? (beat) Well, if you gotta know, it stuck pretty quick back in basic. Not like there were many other albinos in boot camp. The all-white spooky bitch who shoots better at night? Yeah, that’s a ghost, alright. Pissed me off at first, but I came around when it started giving privates the heebie-jeebies. Just a little kick, is all.

What’s an albino? Albinism is a pigment disorder. You know, the color of your skin and hair? As in I don’t have color. Pale as a sheet.

[Medicine 35] A sharpshooter with albinism? Isn’t your vision affected? Done your homework, huh? Well, these big, bad sunglasses aren’t just for intimidation, doc. They only come off when I sleep. Sucks enough being photosensitive in the goddamn desert, but like I said. I’m a lot better at night.

What’s your real name? (the thousandth time she’s answered this exact question) If I told you that, I’d have to kill you.

Aw, come on. Curiosity killed the courier. Don’t push it.

[Speech 40] I’m just trying to understand my partner better. Then “understand” that I don’t owe you shit except loyalty. Just call me Ghost, and you’ll get that.

[Cherchez La Femme] Surely you’ve got a name to match that lovely personality. (flustered) Are you d-...I-...Yeah, I do.But you can just keep calling me Ghost. (quietly) For...for now.

What’s the deal with Ranger Jackson? Man hasn’t got a thought in his fucking head...which is why he’s such a good C.O., from the top down. He’s a nice enough guy on a good day. He’s...principled, for sure. But the man wouldn’t budge on an order from brass if it’d save his life. Stranded caravaneers get so bored and restless because of the impasse he’s overseeing that he’s started (excessive emphasis) “hiring” the rowdier ones for odd jobs off the grounds, which is why we’ve been “losing” supplies for a while. Gets shit done, I guess, but wish he’d show half that drive when bitching to HQ, but no. They tell him to sit tight, he says yes sir, and then he takes it out on us when we get frustrated at the frustrating bullshit.

Do you know Major Knight? (standoffish) Yeah. Good guy. Known him a while. Hell, he’s been at M.O. longer than I have.

What does he do? Repairs, mostly. With all the caravans backed up, we sort of have a monopoly on maintenance and upkeep. And believe me, he does damn fine work.

[Confirmed Bachelor] Is he...you know…? Is he...oh. Between you and me? Yeah. He and I are...alike. I mean, I’m the bitch everybody hates, so I don’t really give a shit, but beneath that…(thinking how best to describe him, ribbing him a bit)...accountant exterior of his, he’s really the soft, sensitive type. Needs someone to talk to sometimes. I’m that someone, sometimes, but if you get the chance...it’d do him good just to know he’s not that alone out here.

How can I best use your skills? Hard to find a way that’d be worse than all the wasted time at M.O., but I’ll make it easy for you: give me a target and let me shoot it. If it’s too close to shoot, I’m trained in hand-to-hand, and if it’s too far to shoot, it’ll never see me coming. Standard repertoire for a ranger.

What’s your opinion on the NCR? High enough to keep me enlisted, low enough to where I’ve got plenty to mock. We’re a good country, a damn good country. We’re the only real country actually left in the West. We’d be the best thing to ever crawl out of the bombed-out ruins of this war if it weren’t for all the bureaucratic bullshit, and the brass getting duller the higher you go. It’s all just song and dance and sloganeering to them out here. Whatever looks good on paper. They don’t give a shit what really happens to people out here, and if Caesar doesn’t kill us, that might. At least on the inside.

What’s it like being a ranger? Ranger training is the best, most brutal gauntlet this side of the Colorado. Hours and hours of days and days spent shooting, drilling, fighting, bringing the body to its breaking points, pouring blood and sweat just to get an inch past the wide-eye hopefuls who were always going to just wash out...and all of it just to stand on a fucking rooftop staring at ants and malnourished raiders on the interstate. I swear, if you gave headquarters a golden egg, they’d fucking cook it.

Were you at the battle of Hoover Dam? Was going to be, but believe it or not, I sat out sick. Got the fucking flu right before and was stuck at McCarran the whole time, half-lucid. Let me tell you, the whole tent of coughs and sneezes crowding around that radio, listening to the reports...when Hanlon ordered that retreat out of Boulder City, we were grabbing our rifles and getting ready to march out on foot, even if we could barely stand. We thought that was it. Of course, it wasn’t, and we cheered so loud when they radioed about the explosion that I hope Caesar damn well heard it.

Do you wish that you had been there? Of course I do. If I miss the next one because I’m stuck at the Outpost or some shit, I’m deserting with a dozen fed-up caravaneers to flank his fucking fort myself, if only for some goddamn excitement.

How do you feel about the Legion? Love ‘em. Joined the NCR because I just wanted to meet them that bad. Their new Legate’s such a heartthrob, I hear.

You’re not serious. (sucks teeth, deep sigh) Look. You saw Nipton. It was just a taste of what they do. I’ve seen good men die on crosses, and that’s a mercy compared to the good women. I hear when women sign up now, they get about five extra “are you sures?” from recruiters. Not officially, of course. Brass would never let people back home know how bad it is. But it’s just another thing that makes me glad I’m a sniper, sometimes. Engage at range. Out of reach.

What about Legion society? Do you know anything about life across the river? There’s nothing across that river. Nothing. (beat, pondering) Do you remember the Enclave War? Bitter, bloody, big explosion at Navarro? And the Brotherhood campaign out here? Even worse of a shitshow, but still, we won that out, too. But the Enclave and the Brotherhood at least stood for something. They were societies, or at least promises of one, and if things had shaken out the other way for the NCR at least something would still be standing here. The Legion isn’t like that. They aren’t “something.” They’re one big razor across Arizona, shaving everything down. And if we don’t stop them here, we never will.

What about their Legate? (with contempt) Lanius, “The Monster of the East.” Caesar must’ve plucked him out of hell or something after his first legate blew it at Hoover Dam. Word from recon is that the only reason we’re all still twiddling our thumbs there is that he’s out making friends for Caesar someplace, and he’ll be bringing them all back for a whole ‘nother goddamn jamboree soon. (tension broken by a funny thought; spoken dryly) Or should I say a Damboree. Since it’d be at the Dam.

Do you know anything about Mr. House? No. Closest I’ve ever been to the Strip has been McCarran, where I was too proud to get wasted on expensive booze in the casinos. As punishment, I got stuck with nothing to do but get shitfaced on cheap booze at the outpost. All I know is Mr. House runs the whole Strip himself, and there’s one casino, the Lucky 36 or something, that’s supposed to be all his. No one’s allowed in, no one’s ever come out. Frankly? Just strikes me as fucking weird.

Companion Quest: Giving Up the Ghost

After completing the sidequest “Eyes On the Prize” (in which the Courier checks Nipton for survivors), Ghost will remark that the Mojave’s going to hell, and all she can do is sit and watch. The Courier will reply that she ought to stop watching and travel with them, to which she’ll respond that her orders are absolute—but if the courier can change her orders somehow, she’d be indebted. The quest then begins.

= = = Stage 1: Deal with Jackson = = =

First, the Courier must speak to Ranger Jackson and convince him to consider Ghost’s reassignment. They can do this through the following dialogue options:

[Speech 80] This outpost is just waiting to be overrun by Legion. You’ll be the next Nipton unless you’re proactive.

[Speech 55; completed “Can’t You Find It In Your Heart” beforehand] Maybe I could tell your superiors about where I “found” these “lost” supplies, then.

[Barter 80] Ghost is an exceptional asset to the rangers. Stationing her here is a waste of valuable NCR resources.

[NCR Fame] There’s work to be done for the NCR out there, and Ghost is who I trust to do it with me.

[Black Widow] I’ve ways of making men come around...especially handsome men in uniform. (The Courier must then sleep with Ranger Jackson)

Note that the Courier can not simply complete the quest “Can’t You Find It In Your Heart?” as a favor to Jackson for Ghost’s reassignment. While he’ll let a caravaneer go, it’ll take more than clearing some ants from the road to get him to compromise his standing force and let go of a ranger. 

Alternatively, Jackson’s death will advance the quest.

Kill Jackson. Similar to Cass’ companion quest, Jackson can simply be killed. However, Ghost is far less sympathetic to this course of action and will confront the Courier over the murder. If Jackson is simply killed, the Courier will either need a convincing alibi [Speech 90] to argue that they weren’t responsible or admit to the murder. If the Courier fails the Speech check or admits to the murder, Ghost will turn hostile (“Maybe you didn’t fucking think this through, but do you know what we call someone who kills an NCR ranger? An enemy of the NCR rangers. Now, eat shit.”). Alternatively, the Courier can intimidate Ghost into silence with a [Terrifying Presence] option, after which a shaken but seething Ghost will simply ask the Courier to leave the outpost and never come back. Passing the Speech check is the way to not fail the quest from this option.

Kill Jackson and frame Cass. If the Courier kills Jackson themself, attempting to loot Jackson’s body will trigger a message suggesting that they could frame Cass for the murder by splashing whiskey on the body (so long as Cass is not currently the player’s companion and is currently at the Mojave Outpost, not the Lucky 38). By adding a whiskey bottle to Jackson’s body without themself or the body being discovered in the meantime, they can successfully implicate Cass for the murder, and explain as much to Ghost. She’ll buy it, since Cass was one of the most frustrated residents of the outpost and was drunk almost all the time. Cass will then disappear from the game, and if Lacey, Major Knight, or Ghost (if the Courier left the outpost before speaking to her again) are asked, they will explain that Cass was arrested by the NCR.

Have someone else kill Jackson. A desperate, fed-up caravaneer named Paul by the brahmin pens is willing to kill Jackson for 5,500 caps. This price can be negotiated down to 4,000 with a [Barter 60] check, and 3,500 with [Barter 75]. At midnight that night, Paul will attempt to sneakily kill Jackson. Alternatively, Paul can be incensed into attacking Jackson immediately and for free with a [Hot Blooded] trait check. In either case, though, there is no guarantee that Paul will succeed, and if Paul is killed then the Courier must advance the quest another way (though they can loot their spent caps from Paul’s body). When spoken to afterwards, Ghost will remark that she saw the Courier speaking to Paul and ask if they had anything to do with it. By passing a [Speech 50] check, the Courier can convincingly lie that they were trying to talk him out of it. With either the [Black Widow] or [Cherchez la Femme] perks, the Courier can lie and say that Paul very foolishly did it to try to impress them. With [Low Intelligence] the Courier can earnestly say that they thought “taking care” of Jackson meant doing something nice for him.

Somehow allow Jackson to die. If Jackson just somehow dies in an unaccounted way, such as from a spawned-in deathclaw eviscerating him in his own office, Ghost will remark on the strangeness of the situation but won’t blame the Courier. This is a failsafe option to prevent quest breakage.

= = = Stage 2: Find a Replacement = = =

If Jackson is alive, he’ll agree with the Courier that he ought to let Ghost go, but he’s still under orders to maintain a standing force at Mojave—a standing force which includes a highly trained sniper. If Jackson has been killed, Ghost will mention that Major Knight is next in command and would be glad to give her clearance, but that he won’t be able to do so without a replacement sniper, either. Either way, the Courier is tasked with finding a suitable replacement. The Courier can ask her for advice:

Who should I look for to be your replacement? They have to be NCR, obviously. Ex-NCR might work, too, so long as they’re in good standing. Any Dick or Jane off the road is a no-go, since brass put the kibosh on officially contracting mercenaries. Oh, and anyone you get would have to be well-trained. Not necessarily a ranger, but good enough to replace one, even for a sit-on-the-shitter job like this. Only the best and brightest get to stare at this fucking road all day, apparently.

Where should I look for your replacement? If you checked out some of the ranger stations around the Mojave, they might be able to move some people around. Hell, take it all the way to McCarran if you want, or with Hanlon. If you’re going to give them shit on my behalf, by all means, go nuts. A lot of higher-ups can be greased with enough favors, anyway. Whoever you get just needs the right credentials. Legion attacks get dragged asses and twiddled thumbs, sure, but bad paperwork would set a goddamn fire at headquarters.

The following characters can be recruited as the Mojave Outpost’s new watch:

A generic ranger. By speaking to the commanding officers of at least three of the NCR ranger camps across the Mojave with sufficient [NCR Fame], the Courier can speak to Chief Hanlon to arrange for Ghost’s replacement with a generic ranger. This option is impossible if “Return to Sender” has already been completed.

Craig Boone. If the Courier has completed “I Forgot to Remember to Forget” in a way that makes Boone repentant over his past, he can be persuaded to take over Ghost’s position as a good way to put his skills to use. Otherwise, he will refuse, either preferring to stay in Novac where he lived with Carla or not wanting to be stuck as a watchman again when he could be out killing Legionnaires. If selected, Boone’s home marker will change from Novac to the Mojave Outpost.

Manny Vargas. Novac’s other sniper can be convinced to take up Ghost’s post, but only if the Courier has completed “One For My Baby,” “Come Fly With Me,” and eradicated the Legion presence from Nelson. Once convinced that Novac seems safe, for now, he’ll be willing to reenlist if paid a generous salary. The Courier can either pay Manny 5,000 caps to reenlist now, pass a [Barter 65] check to explain that it’s a provisional reenlistment and reduce their bribe to 3,000, or if the Courier has already passed the [Confirmed Bachelor] check in dialogue with Knight, they can tell Manny about the cute little major sitting behind the desk all day there by his lonesome. Once convinced, Manny will relocate to the Mojave Outpost and take Ghost’s place.

Bryce Anders. This keen-eyed ranger can be recruited to Ghost’s position if he is rescued from the Vault 3 Fiends by the Courier. Once spoken with in Camp McCarran, the Courier can explain that the Mojave Outpost needs a new ranger stationed there. He will defer to Colonel Hsu’s authority on reassignments, and with a successful [Speech 60], [Medicine 40], or [NCR Fame] check, Hsu will agree to the reassignment on the grounds that it’s a useful position still sedentary enough to not complicate the ranger’s recovery.

Little Buster. The listless bounty hunter at Camp McCarran is looking for another career path and would be willing to take over Ghost’s do-nothing position. However, the only way to recruit him is to fabricate both credentials and enlistment records by either stealing personnel files from either Colonel Hsu’s office at Camp McCarran or from the filing cabinets at Camp Golf, or speaking to Daniel Contreras, who “knows a guy” who’ll take care of it if the Courier has already acquired access to Contreras' expanded inventory by siding with him in the unmarked quest “Dealing with Contreras.”

Private Halford. The sole survivor of Camp Guardian mentions that he wants to head back home through Mojave Outpost after being rescued from the mirelurk caves, at which point the Courier can mention no one is allowed to leave through there, and ask if he’d like to take Ghost’s position there instead. At first he’ll refuse, but with a [Speech 45] or [NCR Fame] check he can be convinced that a quiet, do-nothing watch assignment would be a lot better than anything else after what happened at Camp Guardian, to which he’ll agree. He will also relocate to the Mojave Outpost after being freed anyway, getting stuck like everyone else so that the speech check can be re-attempted. However, Halford isn’t considered well-trained enough for a ranger’s job. The Courier must speak to Jackson (or Knight, if Jackson is dead) and pass a [Speech 80] or [NCR Fame] check to make a strong endorsement, or a [Survival 55] check to explain how impressive it is that he survived an attack from so many mirelurks. Alternatively, the Courier can fabricate impressive enough credentials through the options required to assign Little Buster.

Once Ghost’s replacement has been assigned to the Mojave Outpost, the Courier only needs to speak to Ghost again. She will explain that she’s been “reassigned” to open patrol across the Mojave, ostensibly to track Legion activity, so long as she does so with the Courier. She also gains an additional dialogue option dependent on your choice of replacement:

What do you think of your replacement?

(Generic ranger) For this job? Any ranger’s as wasted as any other. I almost feel bad, I doubt she’ll like that fucking roof any more than I did...almost feel bad. Doesn’t quite cancel out the relief.

(Boone) First recon is one hell of a pull. Took right to it, too, like he was already used to it. Strikes me as the...quiet, contemplative type. Likes to think. Not much else to do up there, anyway. I bet those brahmin pins have never felt safer.

(Manny) First recon is one hell of a pull. Took right to it, too, like he was already used to it. Seems like a nice enough guy, and seems to be getting along with Major Knight. Hell, you love to see it.

(Bryce) A good man. Heard about what the Fiends did to him, and after all that, he certainly deserves a break. Didn’t think of this shit job as much of a vacation before, but seems like it’ll do him good.

(Buster) Not sure where the hell you found this guy, but if (Jackson / Knight) gave the okay, then...okay. I would’ve put a goddamn brahmin in a beret up there if it could have gotten me another assignment.

(Halford) The mirelurk guy? Yeah, he seems alright. I’ve never actually seen a mirelurk, but after hearing his story, I don’t think I want to. I didn’t even know we had a camp that far up there.

Speaking to Ghost after her replacement takes her position completes the quest, and from then on, she can now be recruited as a companion. However, similar to Boone, she will only remain the Courier’s companion if they maintain good reputation with the NCR, and as an active-duty ranger, her intolerance for anti-NCR actions is even more strict.

Ending Slides

If "Giving Up the Ghost” is started, but never completed:

NCR Victory. Ranger Ghost remained at Mojave Outpost, dutifully, thanklessly, and restlessly. When the rangers there received word that the Legion had made their move on the dam, the entire outpost went silent. Waiting. From her rooftop perch, at least she was the first to see the bearer of good news come up the road. In the moment, at least, it was worth everything to be there.

Legion, House, or Independent Victory. Ranger Ghost remained at Mojave Outpost, dutifully, thanklessly, and restlessly. When the rangers there received word that the Legion had made their move on the dam, the entire outpost went silent. Waiting. From her rooftop perch, she was the first to see the NCR’s retreat, as civilians and troopers alike began fleeing through the Long 15. She was right: this whole time, all she could do was watch.

Ghost is dead. Ghost, bitterly, died as she lived...(deep sigh) at the Mojave fucking Outpost.

If “Giving Up the Ghost” is completed:

NCR Victory: When legionnaires by the score descended upon Hoover Dam, Ghost was proud to have been one of the many rangers in the battle that kicked their shit in back across the Colorado. She celebrated with the rest of them, even a smile creeping onto her face every now and then. Still, Ghost returned to business before long, as part of a squad out East tracking down the straggling remnants of Caesar’s retreating Legion.

Legion Victory: Ghost was among the many rangers who fought at Hoover Dam, but when the army of legionnaires led by the Courier, to whom she owed her very presence there, proved unstoppable, she was ultimately among its many casualties. Their advance was too sudden, too overwhelming, for a clean evacuation, and a grisly duel with a centurion trapped her near the front. Still, the Legion never took Ghost alive. She made sure of it.

House or Independent Victory: The arrival of the Securitrons at Hoover Dam was a surprise to every NCR trooper stationed there, including Ghost. Their sudden turn against the NCR, and their allegiance to the Courier, even more so. The triumph of vanquishing the Legion was short-lived, then, as Ghost joined the forced retreat, one pale face in a sea of many. 

Ghost is dead: Despite her name, there was no supernatural flourish when Ghost died. She simply died like a ranger, fighting to the end. That’s all that mattered.

(Bonus) Cass’s Ending Slide if the Courier frames her for the murder of Jackson:

Rose of Sharon Cassidy spent all of her time at the Mojave Outpost in a drunken stupor, which is why when Major Knight oversaw her arrest for the murder of Ranger Jackson, it took so long to get exonerated. By the time the alibi was pieced together and the evidence was admitted as circumstantial, the battle of Hoover Dam shifted NCR’s attention elsewhere, and the crime was never solved. For a few months in the clink, though, at least Cass got what she wanted: home, and finally away from the outpost.

[uwua3]

first time he kissed a boy.

🍁🥇🍰 settsu banri x hyodo juza

summary: a collection of moments where juza and banri kiss and never speak of it again, until they do

warnings: alcohol, arguments, enemies/rivals, insomnia, internalized homophobia, kissing, mentions of death, nightmares, sexuality crisis

author’s note: firstly, there is no serious nsfw in this song fic! the most you’ll see, as seen in the title, is kissing !! :D i do not sexualize minors even if banri & juza are in university in this piece !!! this is angst with a happy ending :)

word count: 2,522

music: first time he kissed a boy – kadie elder, touch – troye sivan

TROUBLED FACE, HEADPHONES ON

FORGETTING TIME AND PLACE, ALL HE WANTED

“Scared, Hyodo?”

Banri’s touch was wicked—his hold on Juza’s collar was deadly tight, like a king snake’s grip on its victim. His tongue was sharp with words only a man unafraid of hell could speak, and as Banri leaned in closer, Juza questioned how much of this he could have.

“You don’t fucking scare me, Settsu.” Juza cursed, his back rigid against the wall and arms holding himself up in the closet. It was such a small, cramped space; one wrong move and this would be over. Banri laughed meanly, like always. Everything about Banri was so cold, like a double–edged sword that hurt even the wielder. Yet, here Juza was, firmly taking him by the hilt and accepting any injuries.

“Then, kiss me. You won’t—”

When Juza closed the distance and let himself close his eyes, he felt Banri’s breath hitch in his throat. It was such a small, unnoticeable sound, but pride burned at the pit of Juza’s ego knowing he caught the Settsu Banri off guard. Banri quickly adjusted, sitting on his lap and tightening his vile clutch onto his long time rival and sworn enemy.

It was supposed to be nothing more than a drunken dare, a challenge that would never be spoken about again after that awful round of boredly playing seven minutes in heaven with their college friends. But, with the intoxicating liquor upon their lips and the bass bumping in the background as the party went full swing, it felt like more than just two university students messing around in a frat house’s storage closet.

Banri’s devilish smirk tasted of years of unsaid confessions, hidden meanings, and secrets he’d take to the grave. It was something that made Juza realize this wasn’t the first time Banri kissed a boy, he was just the one of many.

When Banri pulled back seconds before the closet door swung open to the cheers of partygoers, Juza swallowed nervously as he felt himself stand up. He felt sober, because that was his first kiss with a boy. Juza’s first kiss was with Banri all because of a stupid dare—and, he liked it.

FEELING STUCK, SET HIM FREE

RUNNING OUT OF LUCK, ON HIS KNEES

It was 3 A.M. when Juza woke up to Banri. Banri, an insomniac who didn’t dare let himself be alone in the middle of the night, was asleep. It was one of the few times Banri was overcome and conquered by his own nightmare monsters, where he either succumbed to the draining force of tiredness or died trying. Tonight was when Banri passed out, unwillingly allowing the darkest crevices of his mind to run rampant and haunt him in the dark.

Banri was muttering something about freedom, a vain concept that others viewed him as the poster boy of, before thrashing in bed, his movements wild and unpredictable. Banri didn’t let himself sleep often because when he did, the worst parts of himself became fueled by nightmare energy. Juza sleepily blinked, pushing himself out of bed to softly walk over to Banri’s side.

A side of the room Juza never dared attempted to trespass until now.

Before Juza could place his hand on Banri’s cheek, Banri immediately yelled and shot up, his breathing uneven and heartbead pounding in his ears. Juza flinched back, not used to such a broken visage of Settsu Banri. Banri made sure that he always come off as an indifferent bastard that got what he wanted. But, now, he was vulnerably himself. The person Banri was most afraid of at night, was himself.

“H–Hyodo, you’re here...” Banri breathed out, attempting to mask the gratefulness and exhaustion weighing down his words. Juza didn’t react at first, simply settling his weight on the bed warily, waiting for any sign to stop. When Juza finally put his hand besides Banri’s, who was slightly shaking, Banri carefully took it, lacing their fingers together.

Banri’s hands were made of irresponsible and childish stories of his past, relentless and unsilenced anger at the rest of the world, and the pain and suffering of someone who burnt out with no purpose a long time ago. These were the calloused, scarred hands of someone dangerous—but, Juza didn’t care tonight.

When Banri turned his head and they were only inches away from each other, when Banri’s half–lidded eyes glanced down at Juza’s lips with no strings attached, when everything that made up Settsu Banri was uncertain, Juza knew he should’ve left. He should’ve never come over to Banri’s bed in the dead of night just to hold his enemy’s hand, just to step over unspoken boundaries from years ago. But, he didn’t move. He didn’t want to.

Banri moved in first this time, his palms sweaty and eyelids fluttering closed with a quiet sigh. When Banri pulled away to drop his forehead on Juza’s shoulder, whispering a quiet “thank you”, Juza didn’t say anything back. Juza slept in Banri’s bed that night, and Banri was gone by morning doing god knows what. Something they’d both regret, for sure.

Juza didn’t ask if Banri was okay from last night’s nightmare, and Banri didn’t bring up how for the first time, he slept for hours without fear.

FIRST TIME HE KISSED A BOY

HE HAD NEVER NEVER KNEW

COVER UP IS WHAT THEY TOLD

FEEL SO COLD

Juza didn’t know if he liked boys. Was it... normal? Why did every adult say boys had to like girls? It didn’t feel right—to see women in a romantic way, he’d never date one. He didn’t recently think this until that one frat party after literally coming out of the closet with his long time rival. Damn, Settsu, always fucking up his head in the most unpredictable ways.

Juza didn’t know why he was questioning if he liked boys. It more came down to whether he liked boys, or he just liked Banri. Settsu Banri, the bane of his existence, who was currently underneath him. Juza never thought he’d see the day Banri would come out on the losing side, but here he was, out of breath but cruel as ever.

Banri claimed Juza was the only person in the whole entire world that could even have a chance at beating his ass. He wasn’t necessarily wrong, but sometimes, it felt like an excuse so Juza could pin him to the ground in victory.

Ever since their second kiss, it suddenly became a casual thing for them to do. To tease each other mercilessly, to initiate intimacy on a wavering grey area, to pull each other close and never let it go. It was all from years of pent up tension that never left them even into college, now they could act on it without defining what their exact relationship was.

Fighting, was one of those previously normal activities that changed in an instant. Banri could’ve easily just swung his legs out to knock Juza over, but he chose not to. Instead, he grinned with his teeth sharp like some sort of tricky predator, letting his wrists be pinned above his head.

“I’ll never lose to you, Settsu.”

“Come on, you know you want to—” Before Banri could finish, he heard the practice room door swing open and Juza was a foot away. Banri sat up and numbly agreed when the Director asked if they were rehearsing a combat scene, to which Juza hurriedly ran with. It wasn’t until the Director left that Banri stood up, facing off with no casual intentions like before.

“What the hell was that, Hyodo?” Banri scoffed, but Juza saw right through it. Settsu Banri was hurt—insulted that he was just some secret Juza kept all to himself. It made Juza feel sick with confusion why he suddenly started giving a fuck about how Banri felt. But, Banri couldn’t know that. So Juza straightened his posture, using his half inch to his advantage and presenting himself angrily.

“Spit it out, Settsu. No one understands anything if all you do is swear.” Juza fought back tooth and nail, but Banri came in swinging, asking the inevitable question that’s been following Juza ever since that party closet challenge.

“Why do you always act like we’re just friends? Are you straight?”

Juza didn’t answer—instead, he looked down at the ground where Banri used to lay. Was it shame that stopped him from responding? Why did Juza feel like he should’nt be into boys? Juza knew there was inherently nothing wrong with guys, but why couldn’t he say it out loud? Banri laughed, but it was so cold that it sliced through Juza’s indecisiveness like a double–edged sword. It was his fault, anyways, he took the hilt early on.

“You—You, you fucking used me?” Banri started off with pure, untamed fury but it trailed off into a moment of weakness. Juza shook his head, eyes wide as he tried to come closer, only for Banri to stumble back immediately with a pointed glare that should’ve killed him on the spot.

“No, no. I didn’t, I swear to god I didn’t. I just don’t know, I’m not ready.” Juza blurted out and the practice room went quiet, with nothing but their labored breathing. Banri took the words in and refused to show any signs of pain, instead crossing his arms and rolling his eyes as if he didn’t care. But, he did, tremendously so.

“Figure it out, goddamn it. I’m not your experiment, Hyodo. I never will be.” Banri finally said and left, leaving whatever undefined relationship they had together. Juza let him go, letting the door slam shut and winced at the sound of someone kicking in a trashcan.

“I like you, Banri...” Juza whispered, his fingertips ghosting over the curve of his lips before forming a fist. Juza didn’t know how hard he punched the wall, but a hole the size of his heart was left in its place.

FIRST TIME HE KISSED A BOY

HE HAD NEVER NEVER LOVED

WALKS ON A CURVY ROAD

FEEL SO COLD

Juza now knew he liked boys in one way or another. Especially one boy named Settsu Banri, an ex (if Juza could call him that) who wouldn’t give him the time of day now. Any walls or defenses Juza managed to take down were rebuilt even stronger, and Banri was not his anymore.

He didn’t know how to tell Banri that he was into him, as way more than enemies and anything else they proclaimed themselves to be, until one motorcycle ride.

“Are you serious? Why do I have to go with him?” Banri complained, emphasizing who his partner for the night was. Juza, unluckily, knew how to ride a motorcycle and all the other seats in the available cars were empty. This meant Juza would have to sit with Banri for over a hour, after avoiding each other for weeks.

As much as Banri was stubborn, Sakyo was terrifying. Relenting, Banri swore underneath his breath and locked eyes with Juza, narrowing them to show he was indeed pissed off about this predicament. Banri’s vivid purple eyes were something that lingered at the back of his mind, and now they were staring him down like he was the worst person in the world. Juza just looked away, his thoughts heavy and all focused on one vengeful boy.

When everyone began preparing for their destination, Juza felt Banri’s arms wrap around his waist and his mind blanked. It had been so long since they last touched each other, that everything within Juza was shutting down. If Banri was made of empty lies, rich boy pretentiousness, and inherent privilege, Juza was made of hardhitting truths, quiet humbleness, and a life of many adversities. How could one boy so opposite of him make him feel so alive? Juza ignored his heart that stuttered at the touch of Banri, and revved the motorcycle engine instead.

Juza looked over his shoulder to check if Banri was wearing his helmet. He wasn’t, but Juza could live with that. Almost on impulse, Juza almost leaned in to sneak a quick kiss before the realization dawned on him: they weren’t each other’s anymore. Whatever that meant to them. So, Juza faced forward and drove off into the night, ready to get this ride to wherever Mankai needed him over with.

As the road curved and the motorcycle’s beams illuminated the street alongside the lamps, Juza exhaled sharply as he felt Banri’s head on his shoulder. It was just the second of what they could’ve had that made Juza park to the side. Banri stirred awake for a moment, the prominent eyebags telling of how little sleep he’s been getting ever since him and Juza called it quits. As Banri opened his mouth, Juza beat him to it.

“I like boys.”

KEEPING BACK THE GHOST INSIDE

LOCKED HIM IN A PACK, ALL HIS LIFE

“I don’t know what I am, but I do know I like boys. I like girls, boys, anyone. I don’t know my sexuality for sure, but I know... I like you.”

Banri took a while before leaning back, examining Juza’s face underneath the flickering street light. It was honest, truthful, and certain, like this was something he knew all along. Sighing, Banri crudely shrugged and revealed his classic Settsu smirk.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Banri ran his hand through his hair tiredly, willing himself to stay awake for this conversation as he hummed something. Juza gripped the handle bars tighter, the anxiety from confessing such a secret loud in his veins. Would anything change? Could they get back to being together? Were they ever together?

“We... You don’t have to tell anyone about this, Hyodo. I just needed to know this wasn’t some fling.” Or a mistake, Banri finished quietly, his words barely audible over the sound of cars driving past them. The tension in Juza’s shoulders bled out as he turned to face Banri with subtle relief. The pressure to come out suddenly became non–existent.

“So, we’re...?” Juza trailed off, unsure on how to define their relationship with one another. Just friends didn’t do what they did, but friends with benefits wasn’t exactly the case. Juza was sure repressed feelings wasn’t apart of any of those subcategories. Banri let his hands rest at the back of the motorcycle, holding himself up as he stared at Juza with a knowing smile.

“I’m all or nothing, you know that.” Banri laughed and Juza didn’t realize how much different it sounded compared to those seven minutes in the closet. Having a boyfriend, that sounded more than okay.

GET LOST, GET LOST, GET LOST

“Scared, Banri?” Juza was so scared but he was willing to take the risk just to be Banri’s.

“You don’t fucking scare me, Juza.” Banri was absolutely scared, that the boy he’s been obsessed with could just go in and break his heart anytime. But, Banri would let him if it meant he was Juza’s.

Juza didn’t remember how many times he’s kissed Banri at this point, but he did it again and again. Juza kissed Banri—and, he liked it.

[infinitegalahad]

Falling For High School! Snafu Would Include...

This is going to be apart of a series. Just an idea I had roaming in my head! It’s pretty bad but I just had to get this out here. High School! Snafu is an interesting concept...✨✨

You met Snafu in your French class sophomore year

You originally knew him as Merriell since the teacher would always call him that (or call him out for not paying attention)

He’s the only junior in a class full of underformers

At first glance, you’re kinda weary of him because of all the rumors you had heard 

I mean, his nickname had said it all for you 

Everybody knew him as the “werid” older student 

Just seemed like nothing more than a weird dude

It’s like any other day and your in French

You get assigned to work with Snafu on a project 

Great, not only your with the older werido, but he also most likely won’t do the work

He moves to your desk with a cheeky smile on his face

“Y/n, innit?”

“Yeah, and you're Merriell?”

“You can call me Snafu, darlin’”

Snafu to say the least was very unpredictable 

He was fluent in French and did his fair share in the project

You guys actually got an A+ on the project

It had sparked a sudden friendship between the two of you 

Hanging out during your free blocks, exchanging numbers, etc

Heck, he even came over for dinner

Your mother absolutely loves him since you convince him to put on a goody two shoes act so he doesn’t give your poor mother a heart attack

He would hang out in your room as you guys made tik toks and played Among Us

But the more you guys became “friends”, the more you noticed his long stares and sleepless nights you would spend texting

It was pretty obvious that Snafu had been not so subtlety flirting with you

Burgie, a friend of Snafu and you, even notices but doesn’t say because he likes to watch all the drama unfold from a distance 

He would call you cher, pat you on the head, and be way too nice to you

“Why don’t you go poking around with some girl around your age?”

“None of treat me like you do, cher.” 

“Ah, the sympathy card. Try your luck next time, Shelton.” 

He was a cigarette smoking Cajun while you were a goody two shows with straight a’s

Snafu could have have anybody else but yet he puts all your attention on you and only you? 

So anyways, there’s this bully in your Latin class named Lukas

He’s overall an asshole who especially loved to harass you

Since Snafu became your friend and possible crush, he had been leaving you alone-ish

But the harassment still didn’t stop and the comments would get even worse

“Whats the matter? Gonna cry about it to your fuck buddy?”

“He only likes you because he feels bad for you. Look at you.” 

Lukas wasn't entirely wrong since nobody ever paid attention to you except Snafu

It was a dirty confession, but you sometimes liked the attention he gave you since you had never expiernced it before

So it’s the end of class and you’re packing up all of your stuff 

You stayed after to talk with the teacher so your all alone

Wanting to fill up your water bottle, you walk to the nearest water fountain and fill it

Returning to the classroom, your in absolute hororr

All of the books in your bag had been spilled all over the place and your phone screen had been smashed 

The notes you had done for an important quiz had been all ripped up

Down the hallway, you can hear Lukas and his friend snickering 

Not knowing what to do, you burst into tears 

Snafu had forgotten one of his books and walked in on you, sobbing your eyes out

He walks over and sees the mess

In an awaked manner, he bends down and pats your back as you let it all loose

“Merde sacrée! Y/n, you good?”

You shake you head as you can barley breathe from all the tears

Snafu furrows his eyebrows as he shakes his head in disgust

“Who did ‘dis, cher?”

“L-Lukas...but please don’t interfere.”

“Only because your sayin’ it, I won’t. But let me drive you home.”

Snafu drives you home and he’s there when you explain it to your mother

She calls the school and wants it sealed with immediately 

Snafu gives you a hug before going back into car

Throughout the night he’s sending you funny Tik Tok’s and memes because he’s such a himbo

So it’s the next day of school and your kinda shaky but know it’s going to be dealt with

As you grab your books for Geometry, you hear students running to the Cafeteria 

Curious, you follow and are in absolute shock

Snafu was on top of a whimpering Lukas, beating the living shit out of him

“Think it’s funny to bully other’s to jazz ya cargo pants boo?”

“G-get off of me, bug eyes!”

Lukas was begging for him to stop with a bloody nose, crying 

It gets split up and both of the boys are dragged away

So after you finish your classes you wait outside of the nurses office and see Snafu walk out with a bruised eye and bloody lip

He smiles at you, acting like nothing bad at happened

Walking over, you slap him really hard

“What the hell is wrong with you!”

“Whaddya mean?”

“I told you not to confront him, and yet you do!”

“He was hurting you. What the hell did you expect me do? Let him kick yah around?”

“It was none of your buisness!”

You were right up in his face, your rough breathes being the only noise

Digging throguh his pocket to find his car eyes, Snafu says “Fuck it. Let’s go.”

“What?”

“We’re outta here. Fuck this prison.”

“But I have a test in Phy-“

“Just Get in my damn car, y/n.”

There went your perfect attendance. Your mother was going to be worried sick but Snafu, despiste his insane judgement, was right

You and Snafu drive around in his Jeep in utter silence

Bringing you into a forest area, you guys stop as you overlook a cliff

Pulling out a box of cigarettes, he begins to smoke. You look over and admire the way his calloused fingers fiddle with the lighter. The way the cigar caseually hung from his lip.

Your staring was a little too obvious as Snafu looked over, offering a Cigarette

“No thanks. My mom says they kill your lungs.”

“Doesn’t you mama have a lot to say about everythin’?”

“She does. But those nicotine sticks give you cancer.”

“Are you gonna let her control you for da rest of ya life, Cher? Swear to god, you’ll be livin’ with her right by ya side. Even when ya married she’ll try to give you the birds and bees talk.”

A chuckle escapes from your lips. Snafu laughs along with you. He was right. For the few hours you were away from your overprotective, might as taste freedom. What was the harm in doing so?

“You know what? Fuck it. Hand one over, please.”

“Be careful, darlin’. Don’t get too cocky.”

Handing you a cigarette, you place it on your lips. Snafu brings a lighter close to your face. He grabs your chin gently to pull you close in order to lite the cigarette and suddenly my pants are wet

It took you by shock. His hands were dry, yet soft. As he lite your cigarette, his hand didn’t leave your chin. The two of you looked at eachother with a long gaze. There had been so much tension between you. Snafu had truly cared about you more than anybody in the world. There was something innocent about you that he simply adored.

Taking out the cigarette to blow smoke into his face, he leans in more to connect with your lips

Instead of rejecting it you happily accept the kiss. It was your first kiss and it had to be the Cajun bad boy. Not that you are complaining. His lips were like heaven. It was passionate and lasted for over a minute before you separated to breathe. Some of the saliva ran throguh from tongue. There is obvious regret on your face.

“You know why I like you, y/n?”

“Why, Snafu?”

“Because your a smart, and extremely hot person. Someone who’s decent in this fucked up place. Take that as a compliment.”

“That was a lot to take in. Thanks, I guess?”

There was a silence, before Snafu broke it

“Would you wanna do this again by the way? Y’know, except without the fight. And when your not studying.”

A smile appeared on your face as you blew out cigarette smoke, “I’m free on Saturdays.”

“Then Saturday it is, darlin’ .”

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - The Delta Paradox. Chapter 1: Deceit

Rumor is the outbreak spreading like fire around the world is somehow Dr. Morbius’ fault: people turned into monsters after getting bitten by the ones already ravaged beyond the irreversible mutation. The last news broadcasted four months ago suggested not all creatures are mindless beasts, a few might still remember who they are and The Joker is about to find out if the story is true.

“Dad…” you whisper and point at the box on the shelves. “I found some peas.”

The Joker turns around and silently walks your way, signaling you to fill up your backpack while he patiently waits for his turn.

The King of Gotham and his 23 year old daughter are scavenging the convenience store on Halsey Street for supplies: food was running low and they had to come out of the bunker in order to acquire basic necessities.

It’s hard to see in the darkness with the tiniest flashlight since they can’t risk being detected.

“Did you find water?” you mumble under your breath.

“No.”

“Dammit, we only have six bottles left,” you sigh, upset at his disclosure. “Should we raid the mall too?”

The Joker covers your mouth, carefully listening.

You can’t discern much until an unnerving screech echoes in the air followed by others in the next second.

“Ssstttt,” J removes the restrain and you clutch to his arm, scared to death.

“Dad…”, you gulp at the commotion happening in the distance: the creatures are probably hunting and you are not willing to become the prey.

“What do we do?” you barely utter and The Clown shakes his head, worried.

“Let’s use the sewers entrance by the dumpster to make it passed the dangerous radius; it’s still open from last time we were here.”

“Ok…” Y/N quietly agrees.

J adds the rest of the containers to his rucksack and lifts it up when he accidentally knocks off a light bulb: the fragile glass shatters to pieces and the two of you stare at each other terrified for a few moments.

The turmoil outside immediately intensifies as The Joker urges:

“Run!”

The panicked Y/N follows her father and she can’t even hear what he’s saying over the deafening roars that seem to come from above the building. Suddenly, the mad man turns and gives you a violent push against the loading dock exit; it’s so unexpected you stumble and before you have the possibility to process what’s going on, J locks it.

“Dad?!” your eyes pop at the small, broken window just to distinguish him backing away. “Dad?!” you start crying. “What are you doing?! Let me in!” The Princess pleads with her parent.

The Joker bites his lip, conflicted at his desire to survive no matter the cost: even if the price to pay is his own daughter.

“Daddy?!” Y/N sobs, petrified at his behavior. “Please?...”

“Better you than me,” he grumbles and runs in the opposite direction, covering his ears when your screams reach him. J rushes out of the shop and drops in the sewer, three monsters already on his trail attempting to grab him; yet they fail because thankfully these beasts are so much larger than the humans they used to be: they can’t fit through the narrow gap The Joker used.

Your father keeps navigating the convoluted catacombs in the darkness while the dim flashlight fails to warn him of the obstacle floating in front of him. He staggers on the dead dog and plunges in the disgusting waters, instantly resurfacing after the initial shock of how bad it stinks. J crawls to near the concrete wall, panting up a storm succeeding the whole ordeal and it hits him: Y/N didn’t pursue.

How could she? The Clown sacrificed his daughter in order to save himself and her agony still resonate in his mind. She was brutally ambushed without any chance of escaping her fate: The Joker made sure of that when he forced her out of the mini-market.

The same daughter that came back for him at the Penthouse when it was clear things are going downhill - no other gang member ever returned; the same daughter that accompanied him in their perilous searching trips as it all went to shit; the same daughter that took care of him when he got sick in the bunker and risked her life in order to bring her father antibiotics; the same daughter that was the only family he had left on this God forsaken planet.

And now she’s gone.

The Joker is all alone like he was always meant to be: nothing can withstand his poison.

**************

8 Months Later

The King of Gotham sneaks in the blackness with precious cargo: tonight was a lucky one. He found soda, crackers and peanuts at a vending machine inside the mall. The road to the bunker is not a short one and he has to be alert; food is scarce and each time he has to venture further and further to find needed items which is why he’s still roaming at this late hour.

Surprisingly calm atmosphere in this neighborhood; J saw a lot of creatures on McCormick Avenue and then an infested Main Boulevard made him backtrack and take this path. It was the correct call because his progress has been steady: moving in shadows has developed into a skillful talent.

He abruptly stops noticing movement blocking his route West of 5th Street. The Joker had no idea it’s swarming with the infected also.

J barely notices something splattering at his feet and freezes: it’s difficult to discern what it is but he has a vague concept. He looks up only to see one of the winged scouts landing on the broken light pole whilst drooling and sniffing the air. The Joker’s body is stiff, his senses sharpened to the maximum: what is he supposed to do? Try to leave? That’s an enormous risk and motion could unleash a chain reaction among the beasts if the one above identifies the helpless individual. Stay? The threat would be equally menacing.

The high pitch snarl belched by the demon’s throat makes him inhale in fear: was he spotted? Or is this merely a power display from the crazed predator?

The Joker feels there’s something behind him and before he can act a sharp pain in his forearm makes him yell. Another bite in his leg makes him lose balance and he collapses to the ground, unable to defend himself from the hoard. The burning sensation is taking over completely: the creatures tear his flesh apart and he passes out without having the strength to shout for help anymore.

*************

The Clown opens his eyes and rapidly blinks since the sunlight is hard to endure.

“Ugh…” he groans and rolls on his side on the concrete pavement.

Everything hurts, including the brain: it’s as if someone drilled holes and he can’t concentrate or form thoughts.

He aims to lift his torso off the walkway unsure why it’s strenuous to accomplish such a simple task; J doesn’t register the reason why is the different anatomy he now has: scaly, gray skin, long, distorted arms with sharp claws, inverted knees and membranous toes. The wings certainly don’t add to his ability to sport the same agility he was blessed with while still a person.

He finally manages to gather himself up, surprised to experience an odd sensation: The Joker is so much taller after his mutation and everything crushes down once the hideous reflection shown in the partially broken glass belonging to “Macy’s” department store glares back at him.

“Ahhh!” J blurs out alongside an uncanny roar emerging from his transmuted vocal cords. The frantic sound gets the attention of beasts in his vicinity, then they ignore him because he’s one of them.

“Fuck…” he mumbles in disbelief at their reaction, grateful they didn’t attack.  

The Joker’s raspy breath scores big with a creature nearby though.

Apparently a female due to her red orbs, she’s approaching the former human with a certain restrain.

The Joker would love to bail: unless he can control the horror of what’s happening to him in a few moments, he might get out of there in one piece.

The curious monster is inches away and J had nothing better to do than articulate:

“… Do you… understand me?”

“Grrrrrrr…” the female sneers, unraveling her fangs.

“Y/N… is that…is that you?” The Joker tosses the question out there for the lack of a better plan.

No answer, just a low howl that makes a few males digging in rubble unhappy: why is the group’s favorite displaying interest in the newcomer?

They shriek and emerge more and more agitated, drawing the attention of others in the proximity. The displeased attitude seems to elevate the mood in a negative direction to the point of having a large flock landing on the same street too.

“Crap…” The Joker assesses his situation and it’s not good. “Shoo!” he gently gives the female a nudge and she coos as her distorted fingers touch his grotesque face. Nevertheless, her gesture unlocks the gates of hell: the female’s keen dart towards the unfortunate Clown with the sole purpose of finishing him off. Competition is not tolerated from a rookie and that’s how The Joker is perceived by the mindless crowd--a threat to the hierarchy.

A loud, eerie scream covering all others makes the murderous bunch halt in their tracks: a humongous female leading the group that arrived moments ago is making them retreat. She keeps shoving them and growling while followed by a huge specimen: definitely The Alpha Male with his yellow eyes and dominant figure that don’t allow disobedience.

The party showing The Joker affection gives up on her advances as you stand in front of your father, not necessarily excited about the encounter.

“Dad?...” you smell the air out of habit.

“… … Y… Y/N?... …” The Joker stammers at the inexplicable revelation. “You… You’re alive??!!”

“If you consider this being alive.”

“Delta, we have to go soon!” one of your fighters announces. “They might snap again!”

Your parent is baffled and you bother to enlighten him a bit:

“I’m part of a coven made of turned humans still self-aware. You’re lucky we flew by and saw you. I felt you were born but I didn’t know it was you until I sniffed you. I wished I knew so I won’t waste my time!!!!” the bitter statement brings to life past memories. “Let’s go!” you raise your voice.

“We’re not taking him with us?!” The Alpha Male inquires, baffled. “He’s self -aware!”

“Trust me, we don’t need someone like him amidst us!” you spread your wings and prepare to fly.

“Y/N… “ The Joker gulps. “Can I come?... Please?... I don’t want to die here.”

Y/N ignores his plea and angrily replies:

“Better you than me!”

How can he justify his behavior in these circumstances? It’s impossible to request forgiveness when you’re at an obvious loss regarding your daughter.

��I’m sorry I did what I did, ok… Pumpkin?”

“I am NOT your Pumpkin!! I am Delta!!!” Y/N mutters.

“Huh?” the clueless King inquires and your obvious disapproval suggests you hate where the conversation is headed.

“Delta is more valuable than any of us and we must protect her at all costs until we find Morbius,” one of your companions gives away details you don’t care your father knowing about. “She can do incredible…”

“Enough!!” you cut him off. “We’re leaving!”

“What… what things?...” The Joker attempts to distract you from the imminent departure.  

“None of your business!” you float in the air, the other 40 sets of wings following you while he is left behind with the horde that made him an outcast: brainless monsters already clustering around once more in order to punish his transgression.

“Hey!!!” The Alpha Male glides on top of The Joker. “Delta said you can come!”

“Really?” hope flourishes in his heart.

“Hurry up before they shred you to pieces!”

“I don’t know how to fly!” J shouts.

“Don’t be an idiot! Move your shoulder blades!”

Your father would normally go ballistic at such affront but he actually ignores the disrespectful sentence due to the insane events leading to today’s reunion.

What other choice does he have besides taking advantage of this unique opportunity?

The Joker clumsily bumps into a trash bin and finally ascends towards the blue skies trying to keep up with the flock.

His daughter might be a mystery now but one thing is undeniable: he would rather suffer a thousand deaths before abandoning her again.

 Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho

[yeocult]

euphoria | k.hj

genre: angst, inspired by ‘euphoria’

wc: 3.6k words

synopsis: sometimes two people in the universe who aren’t meant for each other find each other

cw: explicit language, unhealthy relationship(?), panic attacks, slight mentions of addictions/meds

—

another sleepless night, another morning, another day. 

they all seem the same, and there weren’t anything you could do to help yourself escape this depressing hell hole. there wasn’t anything necessarily bad about your life, but when you hated your brain, the rest is hard to enjoy. then everything else collapses like a long, never-ending domino effect.

suddenly you find your whole days blending together creating one endless and suffocating loop.

exhaustion hits after a couple of hours of dancing, you sat on the concrete steps outside of the building. escaping from the intoxicating atmosphere of obnoxious teenagers filled with emotions and hormones packed together along with the noisy music ringing your ears. you weren’t a huge fan of the dj’s music taste in the first place.

everything felt blurry, you couldn’t make out the lyrics of whatever song was playing from the distance anymore. quietly watching people enter and exit as you quietly sat on the ground, hugging your knees close to your chest.

the feeling is similar to those special effects used in movies or shows; where the character is moving in slow motion, but their surroundings are racing past them while they are stuck in one spot.

the corner of your eyes caught a bright blue hair and you immediately knew who exactly it was. it wasn’t hard to miss hongjoong, especially with his current hair colour.

every year school dances would just be every other regular day. there wasn’t any excitement or joy in prom for you like the other students had found. well, it wasn’t like you had anyone to attend it with, so what’s the point? but this year was a little different. because ever since the new boy came to town, you knew things would not be the same.

never in a lifetime would you see yourself all dressed up, let alone go to school dance. you had to admit,  his influence was strong. you found yourself stepping out of your comfort zones more often when he’s around. he insisted to doll you up in anything other than your usual joggers and a hoodie. it was hard to reject his pout, he knew that too.

so you let him do his magic, you could tell he was having a blast playing dress-up with you. loving the way he dressed you up, the two of you even had a mini photoshoot before attending the dance. a new polaroid added to your wall along with the many other memories.

“what’s wrong?” hongjoong took a seat next to you on the steps. his cold fingers slightly brushing your ears, he gently tucked loose strands of hair behind your ear for a better view of your face.

“i fucking hate this town.” you blurted out.

hongjoong snorted at your blunt words, asking if you took anything today and you shook your head. you were dead serious and one hundred percent sober—you’ve been for a while now.

there wasn’t clearly a reason, but when you’ve been living in the same neighbourhood your entire life, you’re bound to grow sick of the place. you could say with your whole chest that this town did fucking sucked ass, but hongjoong made it a little brighter. he flashed you a smile, showcasing his perfect teeth. it was the type of smile that showed he was interested in whatever you were thinking.

“don’t we all? everyone in this town’s so fucking boring. i’d set it on fire and watch it burn to the ground if i could!” your eyes widen when he shouted his brutal thoughts out loud, not caring if the other students were glaring at him with a concerning look. because the last thing hongjoong could give a fuck about, was other people’s opinions.

student’s faces quickly turned away when met with hongjoong’s finger and his smirk. he leaned back spreading his legs out and supporting himself with his hands. he looks up at the sky, admiring the bright stars in the night inhaling the cool summer air.

nothing in the world compares to hongjoong. to you, he was without a doubt, the best thing to exist in life. he was attractive in every way possible. you always joked about how the heavens really took the time crafting hongjoong just to see him smile and burst in laughter. only knowing him for a couple months, you knew for the fact that he’s a fucking great guy.

glancing over to hongjoong, looked stunning tonight, causing you to swallow nervously. his eyes surrounded with glitter with little stars and dressed from head to toe with his most outstanding outfit. normally, his bold choice of fashion would make people turn their heads to him. either with admiration or confusion, sometimes both.

tonight took the trophy. his ears and fingers were decorated with jewellery that made him shine more than he ever did. he never held back on jewellery, “i didn’t poke ten holes in my ears just to cover them up”, he once told you. smiling to yourself at the memories of him flashes through your mind.

remebring just a couple of minutes ago in the dance. loving the way the fuchsia and blue lights softly bounced off of his smooth skin when the two of you were on the dance floor earlier. the orange lights shine bright in the background, complimenting his blue locks beautifully.

when you twirled him around, so would his little half skirt that he wore for this exact reason because he thought it was pretty. he held your waist with his hands, suddenly the world went dark and the only thing that mattered was the person standing in front of you.

even now, when the spotlight isn’t focused on him in the dark, his aura glows brightly like the sun. it makes looking at him for too long will burn you. but to have the sun so close is an honour, even if it burns you.

“it’s just—i’ve been thinking…” you trail off, biting your lips. you started to fidget with your shoelaces, unsure of whether the words you wanted to say was a bad idea. after being around hongjoong for so long, you lost the concept of bad and good. everything around you looked so grey.

ever since hongjoong walked into your life, a lot of your life has changed. that’s just how life is, right? it’s constantly changing, whether we like it or not.

he moved here from the city with his father for a fresh start, things around his small town have been different. was the change a good thing? you weren’t sure nor did you really care. all that mattered was that he made living a little bearable. you wanted to live because of him.

he painted this boring town with his vibrant colours.

the two of you immediately clicked. you’ve never had someone like hongjoong. actually, you never really had that many people in your life, to begin with. you would occasionally join any group of people that would allow you in, but they would all fade away and forgotten within a few weeks. they weren’t memorable.

with hongjoong, you didn’t need anybody else. he was worth millions, and you couldn’t afford to lose him.

you were both broken in your own ways, and yet you both attracted each other like magnets, holding on to each other’s broken pieces. maybe it was how he didn’t judge you no matter how fucked up you can be sometimes. or that he was just as fucked up as you and that you weren’t in the position to judge him either.

although you would never say it out loud, for a short moment, you believed that maybe hongjoong was your soulmate. it was silly of you to even think about it. then again, after watching so many people come and go throughout your life, you yearned for someone who could always be there for you. you craved the stability that you thought hongjoong could give to you.

there was no title that defined the relationship you have with hongjoong. little things he does with you might be couple worthy; how he kisses your lips once in a while, how he would fall asleep in your bed or knock on your window at three in the morning, he would twirl and spin you around in the kitchen like old lovers to some jazz music on your mom’s record player.

what you both have was unclear. after all, you’re both young teenagers who both have a lot to figure out. and teenagers don’t have to point a finger and settle for one person right away. maybe the best choice was to leave it how it is.

nothing more, nothing less. it’s not like you were going to marry him and the two of you could grow grey together happily ever after. it wasn’t that simple. however, it’s nice to have something to dream about, even if it’s for a moment.

hongjoong hummed a tune, letting you continue.

you took a deep breath before letting it all out, “fuck it. what if we, like just fucking left. what if we just went home and packed a bunch of our shit and just bought a ticket, and like went to a new city or something? what if we just ditched this dance—this whole town, and just fucking left?” letting out an exhale after your long ramble.

tilting his head to the side, hongjoong’s eyes widen at your spontaneous idea. “you’re fucking insane.” soon the shock face formed into a mischievous look with a huge grin and glimmering eyes, he liked the idea.

“yeah… you’re right, maybe i am.” you chuckled. looking up at the night sky, looking at absolutely nothing. the sky was clear of stars and the moon wasn’t in sight. “but you aren’t any better.” fuelling hongjoong with your words.

without any hesitation, hongjoong jolted up with excitement and adrenaline flowing through his whole body. “then what are we waiting for?” he grabbed your hand, pulling you up. “let’s get the hell out of here!” laughing in the cool air, 

two young souls without a care in the world, rushing towards the unclear future.

the both of you ran without stopping. your feet felt heavier with each step that brought you closer to his home. you held his hand tightly, strengthening your grip every now and then because you were afraid if you weren’t holding on to him tight enough, he would run off leaving you behind.

quietly opening his front door, the two of you tiptoed upstairs to his room making the least amount of noise as possible not to wake up his father who was sleeping in the room down the hall. he roamed around his room, grabbing a duffle bag and stuffing it with as many clothes and other belongings he could possibly fit.

you sat on the edge of his bed, panicky eyes start darting around his room. every time you feel good, you think it’ll last forever, but it doesn’t.

and that’s when it hits you. like an oil truck on the highway going a hundred miles per hour and you just got rear-ended, everything explodes with fire. it hits you that maybe this wasn’t the best decision, you needed more time to think this over.

but it was too late, hongjoong had already filled up his bag and was ready to leave.

feeling the wave of regret drowning you. he could feel your discomfort, it wasn’t hard to read your facial expression. dropping his bag, hongjoong stepped closer, holding your hand in his. he caressed your palm to relieve your nervousness, “we’re gonna be okay.” he says as he planted a quick kiss on your forehead.

there’s this saying that goes something on the lines of, “in the bad times, there will be good times. but that also meant during good times there will be bad times”, that’s what your mother used to tell you. wishing life was as calming as that sounds because if you were being honest, those words cause nothing but confusion.

in a blink of an eye, you two were no longer in his bedroom and hongjoong was already purchasing tickets for the train that was ready for departure in just a few minutes from now. he grabbed your hand and lead the way.

you know you shouldn’t be here, “joong, i just realized i left my phone at home and fuck—i forgot my medication.”

“we could like, get medication anywhere. plus, you could use my phone for now.” hongjoong suggested. there wasn’t any hint of anxiousness in his voice because the truth was, he’d been prepared to leave the moment he steps foot into town.

“n-no…i think if i miss a day that’ll be really fucking bad. and i need to call my mom, a-and what if something bad happens to her when i’m gone?” it’s fucking one o’clock in the morning, you started to stress over how your mother is going to react when you weren’t in your bed. you started to think of all the worst-case scenarios, you couldn’t help it. you owe it to them, you didn’t want to mess up again. one wrong move could fuck up every thing good in your life.

squeezing your hand, “you can always use my phone, okay? we’ll figure it out, i promise.” he reassured you that everything is going to work out well, like he always does. and he never fails to make you feel safe. but this time it didn't feel the warmth of his words like before.

the station was relatively quiet, with only a couple of people around, but your head was banging and noisy. the feeling was overwhelming. your stomach was like an ocean during a bad storm. water sloshing, crashing and hitting all sides, changing the intensity as it gets worse and worse. the heavy smell of gas and the dim lights flickering once a while wasn’t making the environment any better. frantically looking around the station, to the left, right, up, and behind. trying to keep your eyes busy with anything except the path in front of you.

realizing how small you were in this world, with everyone around you so calm while you felt like exploding and breaking down at any moment now. how insignificant your mere existence was, how you could disappear right now and everything would still be the same. the trains would still be running and the days will go on. and hongjoong would still go to the city.

the universe is just out here not giving a single fuck.

you began to panic and second-guess the whole plan. you can’t quite pinpoint the cause of your anxiety, or the cause of your chest pain and mouth feeling dry. all you knew was that this was a mistake, being here with him was a mistake, this whole plan was a mistake. your brain felt as if it was breaking down, being split into two hemispheres.

“joong, i-i don’t, i don’t think this is a good idea.” you couldn’t control how shaky your voice was.

he laughs it off, “but it was your idea.” he didn’t know why you were acting so strange all a sudden. when you offer or sort of just throw the idea out there that, “we could run off and just go to the city and be happy”, of course, hongjoong would jump at that in a heartbeat.

“i-i know it was, it was my idea. but now, i don’t think it’s good anymore, we should—”

“listen,” he cuts you off reassuring your anxiety that everything is going to be okay, “what do you mean? it’s a fucking great idea.” he says with a higher pitch than usual, an attempt to lift up your mood.

that’s because, for hongjoong, this is the most fucking brilliant idea. since he came to town, his life has become increasingly fraught.

hongjoong has been thinking about leaving this town multiple times. not even on his second day of moving to his new house, he had already lashed out at his dad for moving them here and that he rather stayed with his mother who currently lives in the city. maybe he was selfish for that, he just wished things were different.

the one time he left for a couple of days to visit his old friends in the city was the time when you and hongjoong weren’t on good terms, it was an outlet to cool off. experiencing some of the best moments of his life being surrounded by neon lights, busy roads, and his friend’s loud chatter. 

it was the best feeling, nobody knew what he was going through. he didn’t have to worry about all the negative thoughts, he didn’t have to overwhelm himself with unnecessary overthinking, he didn’t have that burden on him.

because here, nobody gave a shit. his only worry was which club he would show up that night with his friends.

coming back to the dull town he despises with this whole being after this trip being filled with adventure and high energy only made him crave the city even more. it’s what his friend would call addiction. having a taste of something once, coming off the high, and finding himself craving for more.

hongjoong appears to be glowing after his short visit to the city, you noticed that. it made you yearn to be the type of person he would use to describe his friend, someone he can enjoy the city life with.

he was smothered by the life he lives in the suburbs. he wanted an escape. a reinvigorating trip to the city might be the best for hongjoong.

but for you, all you wanted was to be in the comfort of his bedroom, having his arms wrapped around you as the two of you doze off to dreamland or watching some horrible rom-com tv show that he always failed to stay awake. 

those were the peaceful days, the days where your brain wasn’t flooded with thoughts that would weigh you down. you wanted hongjoong to be by your side at all times, even if it seemed selfish.

your feet failed to match his pace. “can we just slow down for a second? i-i’m trying to think. you know, my mom she’s probably freaking out right now. it’s one in the morning, and, and my sister, she won’t see me when she wakes up it’s just i, don’t want her to fucking panic—”

hongjoong stops his tracks for a second, meeting your glossy eyes. you can tell how much this means to him. “look at me,” tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ears for a better look. cupping your face in his hands, wiping your tears with his thumb.

and for a moment, you think that maybe it’s not that bad.

but that feeling was quickly swept away by the train that just arrived, opening its door for passengers. the swift wind blowing hongjoong’s little half skirt just like how it would when you would twirl him around.

“it’s not that far,” hongjoong stressed. his eyes disappear into crescents and gives you a small chuckle too short to be called a genuine laugh. how could he even have the energy to find amusement in a situation like this?

“and like, we’re good, okay? trust me. you can always call or visit them.” he continued his pace towards the train doors.

while hongjoong remain calm and unbothered by the situation, you were frantic and your head was spiralling. you started to think about your family, the look on your mother’s face when she overthinks about your wellbeing and the chance you might not come back. your heart sinks at the thought of your sister’s face when she wakes up the next morning only to find you weren’t in your bedroom.

with each step hongjoong dragged you towards the train’s door, the harder it was for you to breathe. there was no air. it felt like the two of yu were trapped in space and hongjoong was the only one floating while you were gasping for air.

no amount of deep breathes can help you. “yes b-but what the fuck am i supposed to say? they’re gonna think i’m missing—”

hongjoong step foot onto the train, “we’re good, c’mon. it’s gonna be great.” he coaxes you onto the train. you planted your feet on the ground while still intertwined with his hand.

“hongjoong…” there wasn’t much to say anymore, the usual nickname didn’t roll off your tongue as easily as it did before.

deep down, you just wanted to say, “fuck it”, and hop on that train with hongjoong. but the words die down in your throat. as much as you wanted to be the spontaneous, pack-up-and-go person for hongjoong, you know that couldn’t.

you came to realize that getting on that train could do more damage than healing.

hongjoong stumbled in your life without a map or a compass. eventually, he would leave, going back to where he originally belonged. at some point, he would have to make his choice. you loosen your grip on his hand, letting him free. sometimes two people in the universe who aren’t meant for each other find each other.

he grasped your hand back into his grip, you only shook your head telling him that you couldn’t do it. when your tears started to spill over that fact, hongjoong knew he was going to the city alone.

“please,” hongjoong begs from inside of the runaway train. “i love you.” he did. he loved you and you loved him.

still, you refused and let the door close, separating the two of you from each other’s reach. you look at him one last time with glossy eyes and watch the train leave from the platform.

it was all in slow motion, the train speeding past you while you were unable to move your feet. all you could do is watch people come and go and there wasn’t anything you could change.