#it's a little weird and a little sad and a little fascinating and also STRESSFUL

[darthcunnilingus]

i've been busy working on a portrait of my coworker's sister who recently died in an accident and let me just say that staring into the face of someone you met who is now dead for hours as you try to capture this likeness is... weird. i feel like one of those old photographers gently painting rosy cheeks onto the photo of someone's dead relative. i've never been invovled in someone's death/grief/mourning process like this before now.

[hxney-lemcn]

This is Home — Osamu Dazai x gn! reader

summary: reader and Dazai's bond grows, feelings are revealed and Dazai shows a rare moment of vulnerability.

tw: mention of Dazai being suicidal, slight angst (mostly fluff), slight hurt/comfort

a/n: I hope I didn't write Dazai's character wrong. He's such a complicated character and I made him super lovesick so oops. Also this is super self indulgent (tbf I always write the reader in relation to how I would act).

wc: 3.3k

Master List

Your life outside of work wasn’t too exciting. After coming home from a stressful day of talking down a hostage situation or tracking down a criminal ability user, you were grateful for the peace you found at home. The Armed Detective Agency wasn’t what you expected to do as your career, but you weren’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Besides, after dealing with troubling situations all the time, laying down in bed and watching whatever managed to keep your attention was all the more gratifying. 

It was funny looking back, when you had been afraid of growing up lonely and bored. You got more than enough excitement at work, and you almost saw your colleagues as family. You truly loved them, they were everything (which was a bit sad but you digress), but you also enjoyed the tranquility of your home. The time you had to yourself was something you always appreciated. 

Today was one of those rare peaceful days. It was the weekend and you all were given a much needed day off. You had been letting your top coat dry, being careful as you scrolled through your phone, tv playing something in the background. Your pet cat laid peacefully on your feet, her cute little head snuggling into your legs. Days like these were your favorite. The weight of your job was lifted momentarily, soaking in as much of this relaxing feeling as possible. 

What you hadn’t fully expected (you can never underestimate what he’d do) was for Dazai to pop into your bedroom…at least he had the decency to knock on your bedroom door before entering. How did he get into your apartment? Lock picking. He totally lock picked your door. Much to his amusement, you hadn’t even batted an eye at his appearance. He hadn’t done this before, but from the way he acted around you in the office, this was bound to happen. Your only grief was that your cat had jumped away in apprehension of the ‘stranger’. 

Dazai let out a gasp, eyes starry as he noticed the nail care products that were on your bed stand, “You do your own nails? I always thought you got them professionally done.”

“Nah,” You shrugged. “You think I have the money or time for all that? I’ve been doing my own nails for as long as I can remember.”

“You’re so talented,” Dazai praised, jumping onto your bed next to you. Taking one of your hands in his own, he took in your work, even though it was just one color he was staring like it was the most fascinating artwork he’s ever seen.

“Want me to do yours?” You asked, unsure why he was so enraptured with your usual nails. You always tried to keep them nice. You could neglect any other aspect of your health, but you always tried to keep your nails looking good. You weren’t sure why, but maintaining them was relaxing, as well as a routine that calms you down. 

“Would you really,” Dazai gasps, now clasping your hand in his, an exciting grin dazzling his beautiful features. “You spoil me truly, Abelia.” That was something only Dazai called you. His fawning over women had slowly fizzled out, the pet name belladonna long forgotten. Instead, he had turned that attention towards you tenfold. If someone needed Dazai (mainly Kunikida), the first place they’d look was wherever you were. He would constantly drap himself over you, complimenting you and fawning over you. It was weird, you weren’t used to such attention, but you had started to look forward to the next time you’d see Dazai. You soaked up any and all attention he was willing to give you, while he had been doing the same. 

You looked up Abelia, unsure what that was. It was a plant, just like belladonna. But except being the name of deadly nightshade, it was a flowering plant, a part of the honeysuckle family. It was a unique, but heartwarming nickname that you had grown fond of quicker than you’d like to admit. It was hard for you to fully comprehend if Dazai actually was interested in you, or if this was his weird way of showing you affection. Although as mentioned earlier, he had stopped his flirting with women altogether, which made you wonder if he was okay (he’s just whipped for you). 

“You can pick out any color you want,” You motioned to the small rack of nail polish you owned. You had more than you needed, but that gave Dazai a wide variety. You watched him, the warmth in your eyes clear as he made a show of what color to pick.

“Ahh what do I choose?” He sighed, hands pointing to different colors. “There’s so much to choose from.” Suddenly, he perked up, picking up a color and quickly sliding up to you. A grin formed on your face as he waved the sparkly pink color in front of your face. 

“I’m warning you now, those sparkles are a pain to get off,” You warned, grabbing your nail file and cuticle cutters. “I had to scrape them off even after all the nail polish was already gone.”

“All the more reason,” Dazai smiled, watching as you fully turned towards him. Dazai didn’t hesitate when you held your hand out towards him, placing his in yours. Your touch always warmed him in a way he hadn’t felt before, the simplicity of your routines is what drew him in. That wasn’t to say you were boring, it’s just all he had known was chaos. If he wasn’t the center of chaos, he would create it. You were the complete opposite. You gave Dazai a taste of something he thought wasn’t meant for him, and he was slowly becoming dependent on you to show him more. A world that isn’t bloody and terrible, a world where he can be loved even with the terrible things that he’s done. A world where he’s with you. 

Dazai didn’t pay any attention to the tv, warm chocolate eyes watching your every movement. How you gently filed his nails into a nice looking oval shape (he couldn’t believe how better they looked just after the first step). How your eyes would dart to the tv every so often to keep up. How you made sure he wasn’t hurt when you clipped his cuticles, he was in slight awe at how you made it look so easy. Finally you put on the base coat. It had been thirty minutes and Dazai was already feeling a bit antsy. Sitting still wasn’t really his style even though he could be the laziest motherfucker alive. You were just so close, and he felt like it was a crime that he hasn’t held you close yet.

Even though Dazai knew his feelings for you ran deeper than they should, he hadn’t been able to tell you. Yes…he was kind of obvious, but he could tell that you would always interpret his affection as nothing but friendly. It was amusing and frustrating at the same time. He wanted to move past this stage, for you to be his, and him yours. Yet he was held back, knowing he didn’t deserve such kindness. How many people has he killed that wanted the same? How many people has he killed that had that warmth, only to extinguish it? 

At the end of the day, he still felt that hollow feeling. He didn’t really care about whomever he killed, they were just blank faces adding to a number. That alone made him feel guilty, because he knows you wouldn’t see it as such. You were so kind, kind enough to see a monster like him and care. He’s been shown the light time and time again within the ADA, and you only furthered that. At first it was hard for Dazai to understand the difference between the brutality of the Port Mafia and the ADA, but it slowly became clearer over time. You had been the nail in the coffin, showing him the true beauty of protecting someone. You had become a shoulder to cry on for many victims, almost crying with them sometimes, sharing their pain. He didn’t understand how you did it, but he’s trying to learn. 

That antsy feeling in Dazai slowly rose, the way you gently treated him as you continued to apply the polish to his nails only fueling the feeling further. That warm, fluttery feeling was getting worse and you were his outlet. Oh how he wanted to hug you, cuddle you, squeeze you tight to get those feelings out of his systems. What a predicament he put himself in. 

“Careful!” You gasped, holding his hands still with wide eyes. “I just put on the top coat, you gotta let it dry.”

“How long will that take?” Dazai whined, a pout forming on his pretty lips. 

“A while,” You replied, waving his hands to help them air dry a bit faster. “I don’t have an exact time, I mostly just wing it. When you can tap your nails without them sticking to each other is when they’re completely dry.”

“I don’t know how you do it,” He whined again, dramatically swaying as you continued to hold his hands still. “How am I supposed to live without you in my arms?”

“You survived 22 years,” You teased back, a sly grin on your face (Dazai thought he was going to die at the sight). “I’m sure you’ll live.”

“You’re so cold,” Dazai bemoaned, tilting his head back (but making sure his hands never left yours). You found yourself stuck holding Dazai’s hands until his nails fully dried. You had almost let go and he nearly ruined all your precious work. It was nearly dinner by the time his nails dried, and you found yourself making plans with him. 

“Take out or should I actually try to make something?” You pondered, looking into your fridge to see if the latter was even possible.

“Take out,” Dazai replied instantly. Glancing at him, you watched as he beckoned you towards your couch, arms stretched out like a child asking for a hug. Although this was the first time either of you had done anything like this before, it felt completely natural, almost like this was how it was always supposed to be. 

“Alright,” You shrugged, closing your fridge and approaching the man that took up your couch. “I’m kinda craving pizza, what about you?”

“Pizza is fine,” He mumbled, gently pulling you to lay on top of him. You felt yourself fluster slightly, unused to such an intimate hold. Yes Dazai would cling to you almost 24/7, but this was in the privacy of your home, and without the company of your friends that kept you grounded, it felt like the moment was more tender.

Taking out your phone to the best of your abilities, you kept making sure Dazai was okay with your decisions (he would eat dirt with you if you asked). After you confirmed everything, he had started playing with your hair, making almost completely melt into him (he had quickly found your weakness). Dazai watched with fondness as your eyes fluttered as he scratched gently at your scalp, it was so cute how you tried to act so nonchalantly (it worked greatly to his advantage that you were also touch starved). 

At that moment, it felt like your relationship with the suicidal detective had shifted. An understanding washing over the both of you. You had both been the others this entire time, you both were just too cowardly to speak it outloud. The warmth in your chest hurt so nicely, enjoying every second that Dazai’s nimble fingers twirled your hair around, never wanting him to stop. Unfortunately for you both, the pizza arrived quickly, causing you to pry yourself off Dazai as he tried to tangle you into him further.

“I have to get the pizza,” You grumbled, the more responsible of the two.

“Fine,” Dazai relented, allowing you to stand up properly. 

…

You couldn’t hide the lovesick grin on your face as Dazai showed everyone his nails the next work day. Atsushi complimented him, albeit hesitantly, asking when you did them. Dazai held the most shit eating grin when he mentioned you both hung out over the weekend, causing Atsushi to sweat. The look on Atsushi’s face as he looked at you read ‘my condolences’. 

If you thought Dazai was clingy before, he was basically a leech at this point. That day had changed him, and he found himself becoming more selfish. He wanted to call you his. He wanted to be yours so badly, the thought of you both sharing more domestic moments consumed him. 

Such a moment happened after work. Dazai was feeling particularly romantic, and who was he to deny you such affection? You deserved the world and he would give you no less. He brought you to a park, a thick blanket and a bag of food for you two to share (he sadly couldn’t find a picnic basket in time). Since your work day ended at five, the park wasn’t too full. Parents were starting to take their kids home and some people were having their evening jog. Dazai had brought you to a more quiet area, placing the blanket beneath a tree. 

You felt flattered at the amount of attention Dazai had put into this. The blanket was a nice thickness so it wasn’t super uncomfortable to sit on the ground, the foods were your favorites and Dazai currently held a chocolate covered strawberry up to your mouth.

“Say ahh~” He giggled, clearly amused with the situation. You opened your mouth hesitantly, feeling embarrassed at the situation. This wasn’t the first time someone’s fed you something, albeit it wasn’t often, this scenario was more intimate then anything you had experienced. 

“Is this a date?” You couldn’t help but ask after you swallowed the berry (it was delicious). Normally you’d shy away if the topic was brought up, but at the moment you couldn’t find it in yourself too. After that domestic day, the way Dazai treated you was warmer than normal, and it felt 100% genuine. He had desensitized you to the notion of dating him, and it seemed to work in your favor. 

“If you want it to be,” Dazai hummed, grin widening.

“I don’t mind,” You replied, picking up a sandwich. “As long as that’s also what you want.” 

His heart fluttered, an occurrence that had become normal in your presence. The fact that you wanted his full consent, even though he’s the one that planned it warmed him. You were so sweet he could feel his teeth rot. If anything, he should be asking you if you really wanted this. Even though you knew he was an ex-Port Mafia executive, he didn’t think you truly understood the sins he had committed. What he’s done without a second thought. The sadistic acts he did for fun. You had nearly cried over a song about a rat being killed, how would you react if you heard the details of his crimes?

You had sensed the change in Dazai’s demeanor. The shine in his eyes dulled, even if everything else hadn’t changed. He suddenly looked drained, the eye bags under his eyes were dark. At first you were worried that he didn’t want to date you, but that thought seemed silly. It then dawned on you that the charming, lovely Dazai might have been feeling inadequate. 

“Of course,” Dazai smiled, masking his feelings as quickly as they appeared. “I would be honored to be yours, Abelia.” He grabbed both of your hands, holding them up to his cheek as he swooned dramatically. A smile tugged at your lips as you noticed the polish on his nails, they had slightly chipped, but they were still nearly intact. 

Sliding one of your hands out of his grip, you caressed his cheek (a bold move on your part), “You know I care for you, right?” His dark eyes widened, a small blush rising over his cheekbones. Your thumb gently rubbed his cheek as he kept your other hand clutched in his own. 

“You shouldn’t,” Dazai muttered, letting you see a fraction of how he felt. He wasn’t sure why he admitted such a vulnerable thought so quickly. It was like the honesty in your eyes had compelled him to tell you the truth.

A frown tugged at your lips, unwavering adoration filling you, “Everyone deserves someone to care for them.”

The determination in your eyes, your kindness, it had all caused Dazai to turn into a gooey mess on the inside. You said such astounding things with such a strong truth. He knew you meant what said.

“Everyone?” Dazai repeated, raising an eyebrow, trying to lighten the atmosphere. 

You paused, thinking of some bad people from history that were definitely not worthy, but decided to stand strong (or your defense could easily be dismantled), “Everyone.” You noticed that the shine of despair still clouded in his eyes, his smile unwavering. That’s when you realized he truly didn’t think he deserved to be loved and cared for. Taking your other hand out of his grasp, you held his face in your hands, a seriousness taking over you.

“You may have done bad things, you may have hurt people, but you’ve changed,” You stated, staring deeply into his eyes in hope to get through to him. “And as long as you try to be good, to atone for what you’ve done, then you deserve a second chance. Osamu Dazai, you are not a bad person, and you deserve to be loved.”

The formidable Osamu Dazai, the carefree, lazy, unbreakable, cunning Dazai had cracked. And you, sweet, loving, caring, kind you had been the one who managed to break him. He had never expected to hear such kind words aimed towards him, he never had expected to show anyone his guilt he carried. He never expected to have someone like you in his life, who would love unconditionally. He thought people like that were fools who were oblivious to the horrors of the world, but you fought frontline and still smiled and loved ceaselessly. 

A bittersweet look fell onto your face, and when he felt your thumbs brush something wet away from his cheek, he realized he was crying. Something he had never done in front of someone else. He supposes it was a sign of how deeply he trusted you, when he thought you couldn’t get any kinder, you had shown him that some people simply didn’t have evil in them. Yes you could be selfish, no you weren’t perfect, he knew you were insecure and sometimes your kindness was due to you being a people pleaser. He had seen you become devastated at the thought of someone not liking you, how you’d do something for someone at your own expense because you want them to be happy. For someone who was extremely independent, you were still quite dependent on others' views on you, for someone so trusting, it was hard for you to fully trust someone.

“This was supposed to be a romantic date,” Dazai sighed, a small pout on his lips.

“I think this went quite well,” You replied. You smiled gently as you lifted a strawberry up to Dazai’s mouth. “Say ahh~”

Dazai couldn’t hold back his delighted giggles, happily chomping on the strawberry you offered him. He felt lighter than he ever had, who knew telling someone your problems could make you feel better, even if it's just slightly (get therapy man, it works). You had managed to endear yourself even more to the bandaged man (if that was even possible). If you wanted to get rid of him now good luck, he wasn’t letting you go anytime soon.

If only he could mutter those three words that rested at the tip of his tongue.

[sampersandman]

[MetalInsider] a couple of the times recently Brendon has talked about the themes of Masculinity. I may add on to this as I recall stuff, because there is actually depth to the stupid dick jokes throughout the show and the movie, it’s just happens that he’s explicitly acknowledged that more recently

where he’s basically talking about the scene where Nathan reconciles with the band and apologizes to Abigail, he’s literally reconnecting with them and consummating the relationship. But this theme is present in A LOT of the show, like I can’t stress enough how many times a dick joke doubles as some metaphor for their characterization. For instance, “Black Fire Upon Us” (the episode) has the alternate title “Dethrelease” because it followed Dethrecord, where they’ve finished it and now they’re trying to release the thing, But it’s also called Dethrelease because half of the episode is spent on the band (minus toki) trying to suck their own dicks. They’re interrupted by Toki being hurt and they talk to each other about how they’re not supposed to care about each other, go back to trying to suck themselves off (unsuccessfully) and throwing a release party (celebration of themselves) which gets cut short because mordhaus is attacked by the people who want revenge on Dethklok for how they’ve been hurt by the band’s selfishness. At that point they’re finally forced to be selfless but it’s too little too late and their manager is dead, and they can’t get their release. Going Downklok follows the same logic, with “going down” taking on 3 meanings. That scene in the movie becomes the final answer to it.

idk it’s just sad that there’s like 0 people around who actually want to talk about it because I’m pretty fascinated by the whole thing but I feel weird talking about this lol

especially for how long he’s been addressing it,

October 2009 November 2009

Like he reflected on it in that month’s time and came back with that answer haha, but it stuck. back to another recent interview;

I’ve considered it a lot and I think that with the movie there’s an overarching theme for all the characters where they have to confront their relationship with masculinity and what they consider femininity, in addition to what they literally call “gay” throughout the series (emotional investment and sincerity). In the show, their relationship with women and femininity is represented by their respective mothers. And in the movie, in order to finally mature, they have to embrace their “feminine sides” so to speak. Which is more or less the point of this line:

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

Personality through quote

Thanks to @elsie-writes here and here and @leahnardo-da-veggie here!

Rules: have your OCs respond to a given prompt then give the people you tagged a prompt

Got long, below the cut :)

[A quote about feelings]

Lexi: "I have a lot of feelings...they all are pretty intense. Every emotion is like that for me. When I'm happy, I'm ecstatic, exhilarated. When I'm sad, it's like I'm depressed. I get just a little stressed and my anxiety flares up, and I start crying. It's a lot, honestly."

Maddie: "Feelings are fine and cool, I guess. I like my feelings toward Lexi and Kelsey. Don't really like my feelings toward someone like Brycen. Not sure how I feel for others, though. They like me, which is cool. I dunno. Feelings are super weird."

Ash: "I think I'm starting to understand feelings of others better now that I've discovered my telepathy. It's interesting, seeing how I experience other's emotions. It gets a little metaphorical. Fascinating stuff."

Gwen: "I mean, Lexi was once upset and I was sent to comfort her because I was apparently the most empathetic there. I'd say I'm in touch with my emotions. I get a little too emotional at times. I hold back a lot more than people think, though."

Robbie: "Dude, feelings are kinda dope. Like our brain just feels sad and our chest physically hurts. Doctors can't explain it. [Pause] Okay, both of my parents are doctors and they kinda can, but it's cool regardless."

Akash: "Huh. Well, it's important to feel feelings, and it took me a while to face them. I'm good now, though. I think it's important to face them."

Jedi: [silent for too long] "Well, *rubs back of neck* "I like to...think of myself as someone in touch with his own emotions...."...*nods*

Carmen: "No."

[A quote about their thoughts on NFTs and/or cryptocurrency]

None of these guys would like it but this is a fun prompt!

Lexi: "Isn't crypto a scam? I don't like the idea of that. Just stick to regular money."

Maddie: "NFTs don't make any sense. Just right-click the image. Downloaded."

Ash: "Honestly, I feel like owning an image sounds fun in a silly way, but I'm not that reckless with my money. Would rather spend it on tangible things."

Gwen: "I'm uncomfortable with the idea of people charging you to own an image, fake money or not. I mean, why not make actual art?"

Robbie: "Oh my God did you see the NFT ape movie? Dude, it's so bad. I can't believe there are people this stupid."

Akash: "Not only is it unethical, it literally makes no sense. The money isn't real? Why would you do that? Like, have you looked at the value of crypto?"

Jedi: [intently listening to someone explain crypto and NFTs] "Well, now that is just ridiculous. How in the world do they expect to regulate that?" [A few more minutes of baffled rambling]

Carmen: [also had to have someone explain it to her, but she interrupted more] "Are you kidding me?! Is stupidity a common genetic trait among Ceters?!" [More ranting]

[A quote about remembering the ones they lost]

Well uh I'm not gonna go into any major spoilers so I'm gonna expand the meaning to more than just death.

Um, gradually gets sadder because my first few have not experienced their main trauma yet >:)

Lexi: "Oh, I had so many friends in elementary school! I mean, I still have a lot of friends, but I miss those who went off to different intermediate schools. It's okay, though! I found them on social media, and a couple had phones by fifth grade. I should totally hook up with them again! Thanks for asking!!"

Maddie: "I guess Brycen. He was my friend before he became a jerk. I would like to be friends with him again. Like, then him before he was a jerk."

Ash: "I miss the friendship I had with Shelby. I don't know why, it was literally only for a week or two. But there was...something about her friendship that sucked me in. I still have Lexi, so I think I'll be okay. Then there's my ex-stepdad, Frank. He was sometimes fun. Toward the end he became rude. Before that, though. I miss when I felt like he was a dad, I guess."

Gwen: "My grandfather died when I was very young. He was amazing, though, and I am just glad I remember him. He read stories to me and played with me. And then there's my cat, who we lost a few months ago. She was really sick. I still miss her."

Robbie: "God, I miss Lalika, Akash's mom. She was basically a second mom to me. I talked so fast around her as a kid. She was just starting to learn English when we met, so I don't know if she got everything, but she would always smile and laugh when I did, paying attention to my emotions so she could respond appropriately. But I also loved to read aloud my favorite books to her, so I helped in that regard I guess. She went to all my plays. She made sure to get something for my birthday, and Sam's, separate from Akash's gift. She was amazing."

Akash: "My mom. Every day, I miss her. It's...hard to move past it, I guess. She would listen to you. I still remember her songs that she'd sing, and I still listen to them. She loved taking pictures and filming everything, which I am so grateful for now. She fought for me, when the school district dug their heels in about something. Made sure I had everything I needed to succeed. She was the best."

Jedi: "My mother fought for me my entire life. She pushed to get me an accelerated academic program, fought to drag me and my sister to a better place where I could thrive. Fought my father when he...let us say, went too far. She was fiercely protective. I owe her my life. I just wish I could have repaid her."

Carmen: *scoffs* "I knew Atsila my whole life. Why wouldn't I miss her?" [Yeah sorry that's all you're getting out of her]

Tagging @dyrewrites @ceph-the-ghost-writer @elsie-writes @mk-writes-stuff @aalinaaaaaa @sam-glade @thebejeweledwatercat @winterandwords @mysticstarlightduck @somethingclevermahogony + anyone else ;)

Prompt: A quote about a weird habit they/someone else has.

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @finchwrites

[tunashei]

First Impression of Animorphs!

I'm listening to the Animorphs series while I work, through Animorphs Aloud - a fan made reading of the series. Here are my first impressions/random thoughts about them! Spoilers below if you haven't read them.

Book 8: The Alien

OOOOOOH AX POV! Ax Pov! This is not a drill! I am so hype

Oh the mental imagery of Ax watching the space battle above him while sitting alone in this artificial dome is so...so emotional. The strange disconnect of watching helplessly in a veritable garden of eden as your brother and others fight above you in the cold vacuum of space. I'd like to draw it

And then the absolute terror of being ejected from your ship and falling into the ocean of the nearby planet. Stuck beneath miles of water pressing down on you. Chills

Also now I'm really curious what the surface of the sea looks like if you're looking up at from below many miles

Ooooh we got little diary entries! Very amusing! This book is starting off so strong

Loving the amount of planning for taking Ax to a movie, they've learnt from previous times!

One of the reasons I was so excited for Ax pov is stuff like learning all these Andalite words, and bits of biology, the different ways of observing things. Alien perspective is so interesting

Confession time, I listened to this book before Megamorphs 1 which is before this book in the timeline. So I had no idea was a Veleek was and was rather confused they'd beaten one

I love the regular forays into Ax's Adventures with Food. Please don't eat cigarettes baby

I was cracking up at work for this whole sequence. Got some funny looks.

Going to make a prediction. Seerow's Kindness is referring to Andalites helping out the Yeerks somehow. Also Seerow is Visser Three's Andalite Host.

My man eat with he feet

I'm so here for Ax and Tobias best buds friendship

Ax confirmed canonically hetero this is a sad day for us all :(

Ok why after the semi-disaster of the movies would you take Ax to school, that is one of the most stressful confusing environments for anyone. Also schools have registers they're not going to just let you bring in a new kid

Unless maybe the teacher won't care because they've got a bloody Yeerk dying in their head! The book has predicted this predicament!

However, very unrealistic that the kids fled the room instead of crowding around the freaking-out teacher. You'd spend 20 minutes chasing them out the room and they'd still crowd around the door peeping in.

Oh this is...a bad thing to have hidden Ax. Poor Jake. This whole conversation is very tense. Ax bringing up his brother as if to remind Jake he's already lost HIS brother to this war

Ax is always described as blue-and-tan, implying he's more blue than tan. I have a hard time believing people would think he's a deer from a distance considering his colours

Huh...wouldn't it be weird to never have moonless nights? The stars are always brightest on those days, great for stargazing. I wonder how bright the night would be if you had multiple moons. Or would it not be additive?

Fascinating evolutionary implications from a species having a biological clock that makes them war every 62 years. Some kind of mass population cull? Ensuring only the strongest breed?

Ok this is pretty funny but actually made me reconsider how we appreciate stuff?? Actually kind of mindblowing. We really don't appreciate food as an art form. After I'd listened to this bit at work, my boss gave us all a tin of chocolates. Ate them on the way home and took some time to really savour the flavour. My life is being enriched by these books.

'He was a male-as all human fathers are' Implication Andalites can have female fathers??? Maybe. Would be cool.

Ax totally winning at social interaction

Aw Ax, you are being very brave :(

Huh so this Yeerk controller loved another Yeerk? I could have sworn in a previous book it said they were incapable of love, I think the one where Jake gets infested

Poor Ax. You really feel his struggle in being compared to his brother, now having to take the blame

The yeerk just fuckin bailed out the andalite?! I was not expecting this. You beat Visser Three?!

Aight so the Visser's andalite was not Seerow. He's just...some guy. Ngl was hoping for a bit more info on that, I've been very curious how Visser Three got an andalite which no other Yeerk has acomplished

Although...they're on the home world? Maybe there are other andalite controllers. Ruh roh

You guys are absolutely going to regret not putting this andalite out of his misery. He's literally begging for death and you know the horrors of being infested, and will be an incredibly powerful enemy again if you leave him. I mean, you couldn't even try to lug him out of there? How many people are going to end up killed in the future because Visser Three remains an andalite?

Called it on Seerow's Gift being helping the Yeerks. I kind of get it though I'd feel sorry for any sapient species that had to life it's entire life as a slug in a pool

Winced when Ax confessed his fears of giving humans help that would lead them to be conquerors, and Marco brushing it off. Humans would absolutely become conquerors, it's in our history

Wow. This is definitely my favourite book so far. I expected it would be, I'm very into xenofiction (when a book is written from a non-human perspective) but I think the emotional journey was also great in this. The ending was a bit quick and weak. But overall great.

[elysium-the-true-faceofsalvation]

So, to celebrate me releasing all of the character profiles, i've decided to create a "silly" post with a bunch of trivia of all of the characters! Not all is silly

Silly Headcanons

(is it a headcanon if it's created by the writer?)

Aoi has an old tennis ball that is basically completely destroyed, but he refuses to throw it away.

Emari always walks around with a golden earring on her left ear, but she would never explain how she got it when anyone asks. And her favorite food is ice cream :3

Syouga always has a pen on his pockets that he keeps fidgeting with. Never let this man near a clickable pen, he will NEVER stop clicking it.

Reika has a diary that she had ever since she was 15 and she never misses a day of writing on it. Everytime that it got full, she would try to buy one that was basically identical to it.

Haru's gay gay homosexual gay and had a boyfriend he met in 8th grade :3. Also, he dropped out of highschool.

Harlow always wanted to have a child, but she has never met someone to do it with and never had the time to adopt one.

Genki doesn't know how to read, but he will never admit to it out of fear. But he will always try to practice every day, but he has a hard time with it.

Saki hates being at her school and at home, so, she spends most of her time on the streets doing nothing.

Eisuke is an elementary school teacher and works on 1st to 5th grade classes. He also has a very hard time falling asleep at night.

Even if it doesn't seem like it, Akari is a very introverted and indoor person. She doesn't really have any friends as she doesn't bother to make any. Weird for someone like her, right?

Numen is really bad at cooking, but only a few have the heart to reject what they cook, because everyone knows Numen would be heartbroken if that happens.

The Overseer is literally just a face on a TV. No one has seen him physically, not even Numen.

Lyrics of songs that really fit them

(That's a long name)

Aoi: "Support the family, don't stray, display, obey, you must be perfect, oh-oh You suffocate the ones you love, that's not just something you forget. But I'm done with your games, I'll go my own way"

Emari: "Wheeze through the night as my lungs burn inside. As I fake through the day that never subsides if I, Can't call to mind all the words or the lines, I'll try; To ride the train wherever it will go tonight"

Syouga: "Secrets you bury deep within the sand. Like truth trapped in the night. The fears behind your eyes. Tell me what's hidden deep within your mind."

Reika: "This is what I've come to be (This is what I shouldn't be) This is what I wanna be."

Haru: "Before I knew, it withers way too soon, that one word that rings true. And now, a fruit will bloom in my heart, I can't move. Within the mirror's sight, there's a painting inside. A sign of "makeup" lighting the loss in my life."

Harlow: "Come on, let's throw away our minds. Dance on cloud 9. Forget about the stress of life, ra-ta-ta. We'll fight the sun and have our fun until tomorrow comes. So wipe the tears from your face, and roll the night away."

Genki: "Deep inside I've always been Reaching out for a hand, so don't let this be the end."

Saki: "The mourning of one still alive."

Eisuke: "It's a fragile state of mind. Like I'm losing sense of time. And the world is moving on while I am left behind. It's a never ending wait. For a sign to change my fate. Like I'll never reach the end of this forsaken chase."

Akari: "Give me your love, give me your love, give me your love. More, oh more, oh. Give me your love, give me your love. Going insane by love so much."

Numen: "Both of us are hated by our own lives! As we're both intoxicated by a sad goodbye. Without ever knowing what it means to die. Both of us are hated and berated by our own lives."

The Overseer: "Look at how they crawl around Upon the ground like little ants. Yes, but how they fascinate, confusing fate. With what is merely chance."

(I wonder if somebody knows where each of those lyrics belong to.)

Voice Headcanons

Numen: [x]

Aoi: [x]

Emari: [x]

Syouga: [x]

Reika: [x]

Haru: [x]

Harlow: [x]

Genki: [x]

Saki: [x] (She hates her voice.)

Eisuke: [x]

Akari: [x]

The Overseer: [x]

Andddd, that's it! I hope that can keep you guys well fed while i'm working on the Numen Voice drama and the Undercover mv. I hope i'm able to release it soon!

[cambrian-creature]

Hello, and welcome to M*A*S*H enjoyers anonymous

Now tell us, why are you here?

(basically just a free space to talk/infodump, be free my sweet cheese)

Oooooh boy.

MASH is a show about war, but also mostly it's about people and how people react under stress. Something to note is that it's about the Korean War, but it's actually about the Vietnam War.

It's got its issues, definitely. It's not particularly respectful to Korean people despite being set in Korea. But it was the 70s so like. Idk, can't expect much. There's a lot to unpack in the way of imperialism. The show is very anti-war, but mostly focused on the Americans, which is pretty damn reductive if you ask me. There is also the misogyny and if one more person calls Major Margaret Houllihan "hot lips" I am going to throw hands. I'm not making excuses for any of this, but it's an old ass show and you can't get too hung up on it. ANYWAY, you asked about the good stuff.

The main character, Hawkeye, is this. Unhinged, sleep deprived, alcoholic surgeon who's just. Unreasonably good at his job. Despite the Horrors of War, he's still one of the kindest, most lovable people, and he only put Frank in a shipping crate one time, so it's fine. And the blood he stole was for a good cause. As was the money he stole and the one time he gaslit a guy into thinking he'd lost his mind. All for a good cause. He's so cool, he's a menace, he's a slut, he's deeply psychologically damaged, he's a little silly, he invented the principle behind Goncharov, he's even bisexual.

Hawkeye's best friend and roommate is Trapper John, fellow manwhore and prankster extraordinaire. He always makes me a little sad cause I think he's Hawkeye's best friend and Hawkeye isn't his best friend? To him, it's all temporary, and he'll get out of Korea and go back to his wife and kids and probably try to not think about any of it ever again, but Hawk's such a ride or die friend, and he depends so much on not being alone and. Fuck, man. He's just like me for real. No shit, I realized this a couple years ago, and it sent me into this huge spiral of wondering if my friends love me as much as I love them and it lasted like. Years. And then I did that thing people do where they tell other people about their feelings? Which was weird. But it was also cool and now I do not worry about that as much anymore. A little bit, because the fears never cease, but y'know. It's cool. Apparently I am also sad and lonely because I am FULLY spilling my guts here lmao. Don't read that. Fuck whatever BJ has going on, THIS is the Trapper Complex.

Also Trapper leaves like three seasons in and is replaced by Blow Job Hunnicut, who keeps saying shit like "man, I bet you sure had fun with Trapper, huh" and "boy this must be just like the good ol days with Trapper" like we get it, you're jealous. He's also deeply psychologically damaged. I don't like him so much, but I also haven't seen a lot of him yet so I guess we'll see.

Okay, now MARGARET. She's amazing. She's cool and fascinating and ALSO deeply psychologically damaged! She's a strong woman in the 50s, she's so angry all the time, she just wants some goddamn respect and also someone to hang out with her to do manicures. She has this fascinating mix of wanting to be feminine and pretty but also needing to be masculine and angry to get respect. She's a hardass, she's obsessed with the rules, she's so mad at everything all the time because she has so little control over her situation, she's just like my mother and I love her so much. She could do any man's job in that camp so much better. I like to think after the war she goes back to medical school and becomes a doctor and gets some GODDAMN RESPECT.

Also she's dating (she dumps him don't worry) this absolute schlub Frank who is. A garbage human being. He's so pathetic and funny but also like genuinely terrible and canonically homophobic. If he were in modern times he would vote for Trump. He's Mr. Patriot. He's the Yankee Doodle Doctor. He's a shit doctor. He's so funny to watch cause everyone around him is so funny and witty and good at snappy comebacks and he says shit like "ohhhh you- you- guys!! >:(" Like yeah Frank. Get em. Don't hold back. He's a real "why I oughta-" kinda guy. Apparently the actor got so much hate mail he quit the show which is honestly so mean and tragic because Frank is such a fun character. I want to watch him fail again and again and again and then cause more problems. He could call me a slur in a Walmart parking lot and I'd just laugh at him and ask him if his wife knows about his girlfriend. She doesn't.

When Frank left, he got replaced by this other guy and I have no idea what his deal is. My apologies to Charles Emerson Winchester III. People like him I guess. He seems boring next to Frank tbh.

Now lemme tell ya about Klinger. Actually lemme show you.

He's beautiful. Gorgeous. Show stopping. He started out as a bit character and the joke was that he was trying to get a section 8 discharge (sent home on the grounds of being mentally unfit to serve), but everyone loved him so much that he became a recurring character and the outfits kept getting better and it went from "haha man in a dress" to "he's a genuinely deep character and this is his coping mechanism and he is so afraid of this war. Also he's the hottest guy around and everyone knows it. Even the priest wants him carnally." Genuinely the best fucking guy. In the early seasons, the laugh track goes off every time he enters a room and it makes me so mad. Take his whimsical ass seriously.

Also I mentioned there's a priest. I'm not sure why they have a priest, but I think that was just a thing in the 50s. He's got too many names. You can find him currently in the Catholic Characters Tournament and it's funny cause the person who runs that keeps getting his names out of order. It's John Patrick Francis Mulcahy, cause they gave him one name in the movie and then changed it in the show like twice at least so. Four names. Anyway, he's the only priest I trust. He literally just wants to help people and he has no way of knowing that he's doing any real good so he wants recognition for his efforts but that goes against what he's meant to be doing, he's meant to be completely selfless, but he wants to know that he's at least doing something, otherwise what's the point. What's the point of everything he's worked for. What's the point of devoting his life to this. To these people and to his god and to being a good person. Because if he thinks of himself, if he wants anything for himself, does that not mean he's selfish? And that's bad, he can't be selfish, but he is because everyone is, that's just human nature to want to know the results of your work. Also he's convinced he's the second coming of Christ or some shit. I can't fully explain this one, but he really does think he's like. God's special little boy. Which is kinda fair, cause he gives fucking EVERYTHING to these people, to the doctors, to the soldiers, even to the enemy, because he just wants people to be okay. He wants people to stop fighting and to heal and to love one another. And he also wants someone to tell him he's doing a good job and that he's making a difference and he wouldn't believe them but it would be something. Also he wants to punch people sometimes. All the time. He could kick anyone's ass in single combat. I love him.

Am I missing anything.

RADAR!!!!! They put a child in a warzone but luckily he is hyper-competent and literally psychic. He makes me sad because he is 19 years old and he has a teddy bear and he is short and angry and eats a lot because he's a growing boy and everyone makes fun of him for having teenager behavior when he is!!!! A teenager!!!! He graduated highschool yesterday!!!!! He's the same age as me and he's in a warzone!!!!!! Get him out of there!!!!! Put him in college and let him work a boring ass fast food job like a normal teenager!!!!! And stop laughing at him for having a teddy bear!!!!!!! He's not even that short, it's just that all the guys in this show are at least 6 feet tall. Anyway, he basically runs the camp because Henry is fucking incompetent (affectionate) so yeah. This child is their commanding officer and the only one anyone respects.

Their actual commanding officer is Henry Blake. He just wants to go home and see his wife and kids again and go fishing and chill the fuck out. He's a good surgeon but genuinely a pathetic army man. But also I love him so much cause listen. He could just fuck off. We see another guy in his same rank and position who just hangs out in Tokyo the whole time making money off this shit. So despite being very afraid all the time, Henry sticks around in a shitty camp 3 miles from the front to patch up kids full of lead. He stays not out of any duty to the army, but a duty to his patients and his people, because he's a good person and a good doctor and genuinely one of the bravest people around. He could've been a coward and hid, but he stayed and he helped people and even though he knew the risks, it just never occurred to him that he could abandon his people to do it all without him. He stayed and he died and he never saw his wife and kids again and he never met his newborn son. He tells his oldest son over the phone to be good while he's gone, to stay strong and keep everything running until he comes back, and he never comes back. I am genuinely crying. Fuck. I hope he's catching the best fish at the big lake in the sky.

Anyway. I'm gonna stop before this gets out of hand. More than it has.

[hawkhills]

masriel

bless 💕 chaotic-ass answer for a chaotic-ass ship, I have so many feelings about them

What made you ship it?

if I'm being honest I have no fucking clue what it was originally - I first read the trilogy at age 10-11ish and I distinctly recall getting that specific ship-based neuron activation going on despite it not making any sense at all at that time to me

but right now as an adult, I'm finding myself deeply fascinated by the apparent psychological depth of their fucked up relationship, and the amazing ways they push and pull each other. granted, it might mostly be cause of the fantastic work the writers in this fandom do (lbr pullman has not given us all that much), but I can't recall any other ship I've ever been invested in with this kind of twisted, soul-wrenching, all-or-nothing kind of a dynamic. it's just?? so fun and addictive to think about??? there's so much to unpack and explore there, and I just can't get enough arghhh

I also kinda sorta think it might be some sort of weird escapism-like mechanism based on how my own life is? like when I myself was a sad little lonely blob I was prone to get invested in ships whose dynamics were ultimately cute and healthy. now that I've been in a healthy, stable relationship for a long time, I seem crave content that explores fucked up, dysfunctional relationships with a larger-than-life, albeit destructive kind of love. I can't think of any ship fitting this criterium better than masriel lmao

also they're fucking hot and the smut writers in this fandom are literally insane istg yall write the best sex scenes ive seen in my almost 15 years of reading m-rated fic

What are your favorite things about the ship?

I really wish I could make it not sound so cliche but I can't - I'm such a sucker for this larger-than-life attraction and passion that burns so hot it literally scorches everything on its path, the people involved included

also ngl the abovementioned smut @hbo release the m-rated masriel cut you cowards

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

I don't really know what's unpopular and what isn't, but judging by the majority of fic I've read it seems that people headcanon them literally just going at it the moment they first meet and being unable to keep their hands off each other. and while yes, HOT, I do prefer depictions of their younger years with a more slow-burn approach - you know, angsty glances, self-restraint against everything, and - I cannot stress this enough - the attraction being intellectual even more so than physical. give me all your scholars falling for each other over mutual work au's

[mediaevalmusereads]

The Little Stranger. By Sarah Waters. Riverhead Books, 2009.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Genre: Gothic fiction

Series: N/A

Summary: One postwar summer in his home of rural Warwickshire, Dr. Faraday, the son of a maid who has built a life of quiet respectability as a country physician, is called to a patient at lonely Hundreds Hall. Home to the Ayres family for over two centuries, the Georgian house, once impressive and handsome, is now in decline, its masonry crumbling, its gardens choked with weeds, the clock in its stable yard permanently fixed at twenty to nine. Its owners—mother, son, and daughter—are struggling to keep pace with a changing society, as well as with conflicts of their own. But are the Ayreses haunted by something more sinister than a dying way of life? Little does Dr. Faraday know how closely, and how terrifyingly, their story is about to become intimately entwined with his.

***Full review below.***

CONTENT WARNINGS: blood, injury to a child, animal abuse, arson, blood, self-harm, suicide

OVERVIEW: I'd never read anything by Waters when I picked this up, but she's one of those authors that has been on my list for ages. This novel was available at the library, and since I'm reading all kinds of eerie tales for October, this seemed as good as any place to start. Overall, I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed this book. While I can see some readers being frustrated by the pace, I personally think it was crafted quite masterfully, thus earning 4.5 stars from me.

WRITING: Waters's prose flows with such ease that I was able to sink into it quite quickly. There was just the right amount of telling versus showing, and I loved the post-war atmosphere combined with the crumbling Hundreds Hall. Some of my favorite parts were single descriptions of the peeling wallpaper, the outdated furniture, and the old fashioned manners and dress of the family. Combined with the general setting - with old families declining in prominence - it was the perfect mood for a Gothic lover like me.

PLOT: The plot of this book follows Dr. Faraday, a county doctor who befriends the inhabitants of Hundreds Hall. Hundreds is inhabited by four people: Mrs. Ayres, her two adult children (Caroline and Roderick), and their teenage maid (Betty). Faraday becomes unsettled when the members of the family start behaving strangely, and it isn't long until unexplained phenomena test the doctor's scientific rationality.

I really loved the Gothicness of this book. Waters brilliantly gives us a crumbling house full of supernatural weirdness and characters who feel out-of-time. I especially loved the focus on class and how the Ayres family seems torn between their past and present. All characters struggled with class in their own way, and it was fascinating to watch as things continued to deteriorate in the house.

CHARACTERS: Faraday, our protagonist and POV character, is fine as our guide through the story. His profession makes his comings and goings feel plausible, and though he can sometimes feel kind of blank, he also has anxieties and doubts that make him feel more fleshed out. He also feels somewhat complex in that he doesn't always behave well; I thought his pursuit of Caroline was a little aggressive, but that added to the general dis-ease of the atmosphere.

The Ayreses were also wonderfully complex and felt distinct from one another. I liked that Mrs. Ayres insisted on old fashioned manners and customs while her children struggled with the contemporary things. Rod's post-war trauma and stress from being the heir to the estate was palpable, and Caroline's ability to take care of everyone with a stiff upper lip was admirable if a little sad. Even Betty was endearing in her way, and I liked that she was loyal yet insistent that her experiences be taken seriously.

I also appreciated the side characters, such as Faraday's colleagues. They didn't distract from the main story, but they did make it feel as if the protagonists were part of a larger community- not just floating around on their own.

TL;DR: The Little Stranger was a delightful Gothic tale set in a post-war England, focusing on the crumbling of the old class system and the modern rise of the working class.

[measuringbliss]

Spider-Man Read-Through 072 Silvermane Dies (SSM 69-71)

MASTERPOST

Hehe, 69...

In this post, we some some guests back, and I analyze Peter Parker's mindset post-first Clone Saga (=after Conway's run).

Also, I get really, really tired of Debra Whitman.

Hey, that's a cool cover!

And a gorgeous top half of the first page.

And the trend continues.

So the Cloak and Dagger investigate drugs, which apparently come from Silvermane...

I'm sorry but this issue is so gorgeous!

Peter reminisces about Uncle Ben in his old house, which May wants to refurbish to make into a "boarding house for oldsters".

Nathan Lubenski notices Spidey leaving the house and is curious about that. He also has a plan to get money and make of May's dream a reality.

After an unproductive encounter with our mysterious duo, Peter's back in class, having trouble following what Dr Sloan's teaching.

He's a dick to each one of his colleagues, particularly to Debra, who knows his secret...

But I do love his outfit so I forgive him.

I think it's pretty clear that Peter's downright avoiding any sort of social interaction by pretexting he needs to be Spider-Man and arrest some goons any time he feels stressed. It's a coping mecanism, and we see more and more how terrible it is. He doesn't have any actual friendship with any of his colleague; his old friends are nowhere to be seen. Ever since the clone debacle, Peter has had no solid relationship.

You could almost write meta about it, because it's been a constant thing for what, 6 years of publication now? Some of it may be accidental, some of it may just be the writer's impression of how Peter behaved before, but I feel like it's been much worse for a while now.

Peter Parker has been depressed ever since Gwen's death, the clone saga seriously messed him up, and developing relationships has probably felt (unconsciously?) impossible.

Like sure, Wein's run was mostly action. Wolfman's run wasn't much better. Meanwhile, Spectacular has been quite flat, static, and uninteresting. I'm latching onto any social aspect, but it's far from fascinating like the Coffee Bean Gang could be.

Stern, you CAN do something about it. But I'm not sure you plan to. And Bill Mantlo's SSM issues so far aren't stellar.

I don't know, I feel like at this point, it's been a phase of his life, where Peter's meandering and mostly fights unconsequential fights.

...

Anyway.

To find Silvermane, Jean DeWolff tells Spidey he has to go talk to the Kingpin, whose adress is no secret.

Hello, handsome.

The Kingpin gladly gives him the address. He's likeable now! I like him. I'm not asking for more Kingpin, but if "more Kingpin" = "more Kingpin like this", I won't mind!

Anyway, Silvermane's in a pretty sorry state, and the Dagger ends up killing him.

Blood, again! (See last post.)

Spidey's getting GRUESOME. Edgy? I don't know, it still feels weird.

In #70, Silvermane's doctor attempts to revive him and Peter has to escape.

Alright, I'll accept it.

That's a great expression.

Anyway, what happened with Saruman?

This is frankly disgusting.

Could Peter's teachers stop being assholes? I know it's give exposition, but there's a moment where constant reminding of some things throughout some characters really sounds awful.

However, he calls Biff "preppy" and I'll take that as another confirmation of his bisexuality.

Anyway...

This is miserable. These characters are miserable and that storyline is miserable. I can't imagine following the magazine at the time of publication. 6+ years of pushing poor Debra around with little to no progress. Jeez.

Apparently, she leaves in SSM 74, and to be honest, I can't wait because this whole thing has been sad to witness.

Anyway, Silvermane "dies" "again" ("probably") and everything ends well.

She has a teddy bear, which is great, but goddamnit girl, get a hold of yourself!

Alright, 71 time.

During a robbery, the victim shoots a thief dead while Spidey attempts to resolve the situation.

Then: a discussion on gun violence.

Quick, someone tell Robbie 1980 is not happening anytime soon because Gwen died, like, two years ago at this point.

The discussion reads like baby's first "guns in the US" debate, it lacks subtlety but at the same time, I welcome the message. It's a shame things are no different 4 decades later.

The subject is upfront throughout the entire issue. Very upfront. I think the shocking aspect works, at the very least.

Anyway, the weapons are found.

I just like seeing angsty Peter.

[artificial-horizon]

assorted post-atc test day ramblings and blogging ahead (sorry idk how to do a readmore lol)

The past few days have been so unforgettable I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all... I literally feel reborn, like a totally new person starting a totally new chapter of life! I haven't felt this happy in a long time, that sort of happiness that's mixed with so many other intense emotions and makes your head spin a little (my favourite). I mean the day of testing was absolutely brutal, like nothing I've ever experienced before, but honestly it was so invigorating - and definitely very motivating after passing everything lol. I'd been having some serious doubts about whether I could do it, feeling like my weird brain would sabotage me and prove that I wasn't cut out for the only dream job I've ever had, so yeah lmao I did quite enjoy the ego massage of doing really well and not even finding the tests super difficult.

Outside of the testing there was so much that was just... intoxicating in the best way. Travelling solo for one, cos I think that's one of the greatest things on earth, but really it was the people that I met that just filled me with such a feeling of, well, I guess love? As an aromantic I struggle with the idea of love, but personally this is my equivalent; a love of humanity and human connection and sharing the same experiences while coming from such different backgrounds. It's probably inevitable that you'll bond if you're thrown into a room together to do ridiculously intense assessments all day, but genuinely I've never felt so excited and chill and myself around literal strangers like I did this week. There's always so much hiding when you're queer/trans/brown/ND in majority cishet/white/NT spaces, but there was something about being around other people with the same weird niche interest that was fucking liberating.

I mean, this was the first time I've ever met other people (especially other people of my own age!) who are also nerdy about not just aviation, but air traffic control specifically - like, in day-to-day life you talk about this stuff and most people are like "ummm okay u do u", but holy shit... to be able to infodump to people who are also interested in the very same thing and ACTUALLY WANT a conversation about it is incredible! (Which yeah, is sort of sad when you think about it cos what a low bar, but society is just anti-autistic like that ig.) We just *got* each other on that level, and makes me hunger even more than I already did to be in this world because this really fucking proves to me that this is where I belong tbh.

There's also something so electrifying to me about random brief connections like this, when you know you'll probably never see them again (aside from the other people who got into the next stage of interviewing, ily cya in a few months!). Definitely not the first person to say this, but there really is a level of honesty and openness that this kind of experience creates that is legitimately beautiful to me. We spent hours partying together and sharing so much conversation, no small talk in sight, just learning about each other. The next day I was hopping from city to city with this one guy as we tried to navigate our way to the airport (there was a storm that had shut down almost all transport) and even that, although stressful, was a fucking adventure and I really sort of loved it and we got pretty deep into some fascinating chats. And like I literally asked some random people if I could take the last seat in their Uber cos I overheard they were going to the airport too, and that is not something I EVER thought I could do as someone who's often too scared to approach people in public lol.

Depression has been telling me for the past year that I'm not capable of shit, so this was the biggest and best fuck you to that because oh my god I actually CAN!!!! I can do shit!!!! It may not all seem like much to others, but I'm actually proud of myself and am seriously riding on this high rn. I'm treating this as a new lease on life and I'm gonna keep this energy going as much as I can, because my future is seeming more and more like a thing that will actually happen. I just like... ugh I love all the people I met so much in a way that would probably sound weird if I told them, cos it's not really "love" but just absolute awe at the whole experience and how amazing people can be. Intoxicating honestly is the best word I can use to describe it.

Also literally the first person who said hi to me on the test day was a fellow gay lol, I guess the gaydars of aspiring ATCOs are just that good ;) Anyway onwards and fucking upwards, next stop is the interview and then...? The thought of it is too much I can't even write it down lkjdfsdajkfljkdkjdlkj

[symbolsought]

More  stuff  I've  been  thinking  about !!  Regarding  Toshi's  mother. I  don't  think  the  two  of  them  were  insanely  close. Not  because  there  was  any  resentment  there  but  much  like  Toshinori  is  now,  his  mother  was  a  huge  workaholic. She  spent  most  of  her  time  working  and  leaving Toshi  on  his  own  because  Toshi  was  a  'good  kid'  who  'never  complained'.

 She  often  praised  him  like  this  but  the  relationship  was  still  a  little  distant  as  a  result. She  also  liked  to  tell  him  he  looked  so  much  like  his  dad,  though  he  started  wondering  as  he  grew  up  if  she  meant  that  as  a  good  thing  given  she  often  seemed  sad  when  she  said  it.

 None  the  less  Toshi's  "neglect"  in  his  youth  is  the  reason  he's  always  been  very  self-sufficient. His  childhood  largely  consisted  of  him  looking  after  his  mother,  perhaps  more  than  she  looked  after  him. He  would  get  up  for  school  every  morning  and  make  breakfast  for  them  both  so  his  mum  didn't  have  to  stress  about  it  and  could  focus  on  her  work,  and  he  would  make  dinner  for  them  both  when  he  came  home  from  school  of  an  afternoon  for  the  same  reason.

 The  office  building  his  mother  worked  in  was  totally  destroyed  by  during  a  villain  attack. She  was  among  the  causalities. He's  not  sure  he  ever  came  out  of  the  shock  of  it,  but  maybe  this  was  also  because  of  the  'distance'  that  had  already  been  between  them,  so  it  turned  out  losing  her  wasn't  some  huge  adjustment  and  he  met  nana  pretty  soon  after  that  which  helped  a  lot.

 Regarding  his  dad,  Toshinori  doesn't  know  much  about  him  other  than  that  he  was  American. His  mother  didn't  talk  much  about  him  but  she  told  him  he  died  before  he  was  born. To  be  really  honest  Toshi  always  had  a  quiet  fascination  surrounding  his  dad  and  what  little  he  knew  about  him. One  of  his  earliest  memories  was  when  his  mother  stopped  at  a  kiosk  and  he  found  a  comic  book  from  America  on  one  of  the  stands.

 A  that  time  he  could  hardly  even  read  it  properly  but  he  instantly  he  thought  about  his  dad  from  America  and  asked  his  mother  if  he  could  he  have  it.  She  was  in  a  rush  and  knew  he  barely  ever  asked  for  things  so  she  just  said  yes  and  he  was  very  happy. It  kept  him  quiet  for  a  few  days  and  she  ended  up  getting  a  new  one  every  week  on  their  daily  commutes  until  he  got  older  and  would  get  them  himself  on  his  way  to  school.

So  needless  to  say,  Toshi  had  a  lot  of  comic  books  as  a  kid  and  his  fascination  with  his  dad  is  what  evolved  into  his  fascination  with  America.

You  could  also  say  Toshi's  thing  with  trying  to  befriend  and  care  for  almost  everyone  around  him  stemmed  from  being  a  bit  of  a  lonely  kid  growing  up. Despite  how  friendly  and  approachable  Toshi  has  always  been,  he  never  really  had  that  many,  if  any,  close  friendships  as  a  kid.

 In  his  later  years,  this  has  a  bit  more  to  do  with  keeping  folks  at  a  distance  due  to  his  life  as  a  one  for  all  user,  but  as  a  kid  he  was  always  considered  a  bit  "weird"  by  other  people  and  this  wasn't  just  because  of  him  being  kind  of  "different"  as  the  "quirkless"  kid  because  it  wasn't  really  too  unusual  back  then  not  to  have  a  quirk.

 Instead,  this  was  more  due  to  things  like  his  bubbly  demeanor,  flighty  impulsivity,  and  honestly  sometimes  just  seeming  a  bit  out  of  touch  /  dreamy,  and  maybe  even  a  little  disorganize.

Never  in  a  truly  "negative"  way  as  Toshinori  was  never  classed  as  any  kind  of  'delinquent',  oppositely  he  was  often  considered  a  'good  kid'  despite  these  'faults',  but  these  were  all  traits  that  still  made  him  seem  a  little  off  or  "crazy"  to  people.

In  fact,  it  can  probably  be  said  that  Toshinori  might  actually  have  undiagnosed�� ADHD. His  impulsivity,  poor  time  management  skills  and  struggle  with  any  kind  of  'paper  work'  has  continued  into  his  adult-hood  and  caused  some  struggles  in  his  day-to-day  behind  the  scenes  as  a  hero.

Thanks  to  people  like  Sir  Nighteye  and  even  Naomasa,  Toshi's  been  able  to  get  away  with  being  late/sloppy  with  the  paper  work,  but  he  still  doesn't  manage  his  time  the  best  and  is  still  as  "impulsive"  as  he's  ever  been.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Barry: it takes a psycho (4x04)

Well. I am sad.

Cons:

One of the things about this show that always takes me just slightly out of the moment is when Sally is "acting". Because the woman playing Sally is a good actress, absolutely. But how good am I, the viewer, meant to think that Sally, the character, is as a performer? I find it frustratingly ambiguous, and maybe that's the point, but I always get taken out of the immediacy of the scene a bit. When Sally examples the monologue to try and help Kristen, am I supposed to be impressed? Or embarrassed for her? A little of both? When it comes to the commentary on Hollywood and acting in general, the show is clearly trying to say something, but I feel like I never quite know what that thing is.

Pros:

It's a brilliant move to keep Barry out of the majority of this episode. He's escaped from prison, we don't know where he is or when he'll pop up. It's like he's a slasher villain, in a way. Super effective way to build tension through every moment in all the scenes, whether with Hank, Cousineau, or Sally. And then when he does turn up, it's to find Sally ready to drop everything and run with him. Which I both did and did not expect to be how it happened. I find it fascinating that Sally's willingness to run with Barry is completely dependent on how poorly her own life is going at the moment. She's on the cusp of opportunities, but she's being overlooked in favor of the taller, more curvy acting student Kristen who doesn't actually have her talent. Then Barry is there, and you can basically see it take over her face: fuck it. Let's go. I loved Barry's reaction, that meek little "really"? As he kind of can't believe the thing he's been wanting but which seemed so improbable, is actually happening.

And we also see the weird... daydream? Flash-forward? Of Barry and Sally older, seemingly with a kid, who Barry goes to comfort after he gets into a fight with another boy. What a weird insight into Barry's fantasies, if indeed that's what we're seeing, where his image of a family with Sally is framed through his son being upset and violent.

Cousineau gets taken to his cabin where he'll be out of the way, but when he learns that Barry is free from prison and on the loose, he's terrified that he's going to be killed. He shoots Leo, who came to bring him food, and as the episode ends we're actually not sure how badly Leo was wounded. Not a ton happened here, other than us just not being sure how much Barry even cares about vengeance, how much danger Gene is really in. It's interesting how this show very convincingly makes every character the main character of their own story. Cousineau is understandably terrified about Barry coming for him, but we're not sure if Gene is even on Barry's radar, or if he's just focused on running.

I never thought I'd feel sympathy for Fuches, but my god, it was rough watching him get beat up! He doesn't actually know where Barry is, but there was still the suggestion that he wouldn't turn on him no matter how much he got beaten up by the guards. It's so strange, watching this man have such... loyalty, to Barry? If that's even the right word? Parental responsibility, maybe? I find it so fascinating. Fuches is a character where I have genuinely no idea where they're going to take him by the end of the show, and there's so little time left to find out!

And of course I've saved Hank and Cristobal for last. Jesus Christ, this was a torturous half hour of television to watch with my eyeballs. I was vibrating out of my chair, it was so stressful and viscerally awful and sad.

Just the tragicomedy of Hank being a total sociopath and giving all these dudes a fun little party before murdering them in a sandpit... like I feel like if you tried to explain that this is what happens in the show to someone who's not watching it, it just sounds so stupid and baffling and this strange mix of horror and cartoonish, and... yeah. It's brilliant. Cristobal shouting for Hank's help is going to haunt me.

And then that breakup, and Hank sobbing, and the unceremonious, off-screen way Cristobal is shot and killed... like, fuck me up. The roller coaster I have been on with these two characters. When last season ended with Hank going insane to save Cristobal, you wanted them to be happy, you wanted them to have some sort of peaceful retirement. It's heartbreaking that Cristobal had these genuine dreams of going legit and finding a less risky way to make money and live a comfortable life, but that Hank is too afraid, or too ambitious, or both, to be able to get on his wavelength. He lied, he did an insane thing, he murdered a bunch of people, and he thought Cristobal would just fall in line and be cool with it. Barry and Hank have a hell of a lot more in common than I'd previously appreciated.

I can't wait to see what Hank is like now that all the happiness and light has been sucked unceremoniously out of his life. This show makes me want to watch everyone just take the darkest possible turn into violence and despair. It's going to be amazing.

9/10

[erensproudsimp]

Experiment

Hange Zoe x fem! reader Oneshot

⚠ Sexual Content Ahead ⚠

Summary : Hange and you have been dating each other for quite some time. One day due to rain, you went over to Hange's and hehe hot stuff happens.

I've used they/them pronouns for Hange due to them being non-binary, hope y'all don't mind. :)

"HANGEEEE!" screaming down the hallway near the university laboratory, you entered said place joltily.

By this time all the science students were used you to coming by everyday while causing a ruckus to meet your significant other. You couldn't help yourself being always excited to see the only person who could make your day a million times better and today as usual you had something interesting to show them. Well, by interesting you meant something random you saw that day and just picked it up to give it to Hange. Never were they ever weird out by this as they were as eccentric as you.

"Look what I found today!" proudly bringing your hand close to their face to show them the red rock you saw in your yard.

"Heh, as usual my dear y/n, you never fail to fascinate me," they chuckled eyeing the objet closely.

"I shall add this wonderful rock to my series of collection of stuff you keep bringing to me everyday!" smilingly Hange took it.

This brought a faint blush on your cheeks as just the thought of Hange keeping the random stuff you bringing daily made you feel somewhat special.

" Sooo, what are you working on today?" you questioned them while looking at the equipment on the table.

"Ohohoho you don't know what I've just made!" they excitedly said dexterously arranging the mess to show you.

While they were enthusiastically explaining to you her recent invention, you couldn't help but stare at their jolliness. The way they made absolutely anything sound captivating just spellbound you. To describe it, it was like a meteor shower falling enlightening the night sky which you could gaze for hours, yeah, that's how Hange was.

"Hihi, that's awesome! I'm so proud of you!" you praised her happily.

"Hehe, I'm glad you appreciated my invention, after all I am your better half," haughtily they said which made you subconsciously smile.

Right at that moment a loud thunder was heard making you jump. Since morning it's been cloudy and you really hoped that it wouldn't rain in the evening as it would pose a problem for you to travel home by bus. The droplets were hitting hard against the window panes indicating it was a heavy shower. Disappointment filled your being.

"Noo, now how would I reach the bus stop on time with this weather," you complained utterly dejected and tensed.

"You know y/n, you can always ask me for a ride in my car right?" Hange said while pouring a clear liquid in a testing tube.

"I know but I don't wanna bother you."

"Oh come-on y/n, how can you ever bother me?" they reassured, "and if you really don't want to sound like a trouble then come over to my appartment. It's win-win situation, you reach home and I would get more time to spend with you."

"W-what, Hange please, ugh okay then I'll come with you," sighing you responded.

Waiting for Hange to finish up whatever they were doing but it wasn't as though you as a finance student would understand it to be able to help her out. Instead you were scrolling on Tiktok when they came up to you without warning making you jerk, "GOSH HANGE! YOU COULD HAVE CALLED FOR ME."

Chuckling, Hange grabbed your hand to make you stand up. Losing your footing, you fell in their arms which they gladly grabbed you. Giving you a brief forehead kiss, they proceeded to drag you to the parking lot. At first you didn't process the action making you scream but when you got the hang of it, you ran alongside with them hand in hand laughing.

Hange unlocked the car and you got into the front passenger seat. Both of you were laughing while still catching your breaths.

"Now off to my house we gooo!" Hange yelled as you were wearing your seatbelt.

Throughout the whole ride both of you conversed about each of your days and the daily news.

"Can you believe that Sasha and Nicollo are finally going out with each other? I always knew that they were a match made in heaven," you rambled as Hange listened to you intently while also focusing on the road.

"I mean I could see it happening seeing their compatibility and the way they complete each other, just like you complete me," Hange added.

Her last words made your face heat up which you hid by looking outside. Luckily for you, you finally reached your destination. It wasn't the first you came over to her appartement so you took her keys and ran inside. Normally her place would be messy like a dumpster because that human barely had time in her hands to take care of their house but for once it was spotless clean.

"Did Levi come over?" you asked them, hand on your hip.

"I-yeah. Yesterday he did. But I swear I'll try to be more responsible from now on!" Hange affirmed.

You took a deep breath and asked, "so what are we eating tonight?"

"I don't know y/n, you choose," they replied kicking their boots off to enter the residence.

"How about we order Pizza?"

"Sure thing love," grabbing her phone to order said food, Hange said.

"How about you go take a bath while I take out plates?" you suggested.

"I mean only if you're willing to join me," they smirked while leaning on the door.

Out of embarrassment you threw a pillow laying on the couch at her, "NO!"

"Sad, I was really hoping for some fun in there," they replied before running into the bathroom as you were about to hit them with another pillow.

While you waited for her to come out so that you in your turn could go freshen up, you arranged everything to be able to eat. Having such nights with Hange is always something you've dreamt of doing but you never had the courage to ask.

A few moments later, Hange came out with hair dripping wet which they were trying to dry with a towel. Damn they looked hot in that condition. Before you could start simp over them, you excused yourself to go bathe.

Feeling the warm water touch your skin evaporated all your stress from you as you relaxed. Coming out of the bathroom wearing Hange's clothes, you went to sit next to them on the couch. You noticed that the pizza had already arrived so you took a piece of it to eat. You two watched this popular series called 'Attack on titan' together until the pizza was finished.

Throwing the pizza cardboard in the bin, you went to see Hange already laying on the bed. Scooting to them, you placed your head on their shoulder as they held you tight with one arm and the other holding their phone. You were watching memes with her laughing when suddenly there was a video of two girls kissing came up which made your heart beat faster. You could tell Hange felt so as well as she swiped quickly to prevent awkwardness.

A little bit of tension remained in both of you yet no one made the first move. It kept growing as you felt their hot breath on your face because you were leaning on them.

Feeling bothered and assuming that Hange wasn't going to initiate it, you snatched their phone from their hand and kept it on the table next to the bed for you to straddle on them.

Shifting yourself to be more comfortable, you leaned down to smack your lips against theirs. Still processing whatever just happened, Hange went with the flow. For this moment at least. Hands on your ass, they squeezed them as you laid your body on theirs.

Lips still crashed against each others and tongues still fighting over control, Hange's minds began to fill with sexual fantasies that they could enact on you in this precise moment.

Pulling back from you, they settled your body on the bed to go search for something in the wardrobe. They came back with a blindfold facing you.

"Do you mind if I take your vision away for a while? I don't want to ruin the surprise of what I'm going to do to you."

Gulping hardly you took the black cloth and blinded yourself.

"Good girl," Hange praised giving you a headpat to continue their rummage.

With no warnings, you were pushed on the bed lightly. At first you didn't understand what was going on but that was before you felt a rope on your wrists which was being wrapped around them individually then pulled upwards signaling it was being tied down to the bed. The same thing was done for both of your legs.

Anticipation mounted in you as you felt hands running from your chest to your stomach.

"I hope that the ropes are not too tight, are they?" they concernedly asked.

You shaked your head to say no still having the blindfold on.

"No? Well, then I think you would love this being in your mouth," they said coming closer to you. You were expecting her to stuff her fingers in but it ended up being something you certainly didn't anticipate at all.

Holding your head up, they made you wear it. Initially it was uncomfortable but you managed to deal with it as it only turned you on more. It was a gag ball.

You laid your head on a pillow desperately craving Hange's touch but of course they were still searching for something.

"Don't worry y/n, I'll come to you as soon as I find that one thing I bought last week I wanted to test out," Hange spoke from the other side of the room.

Trying to keep your growing lust in control, you fidgeted with the device in your mouth.

" Ah-ha! found it, now wait for me y/n, I'll fuck you into oblivion soon," their voice coming out breathless.

Feelings the sides of the bed sink and a presence hoving above you, you became more excited to what Hange was going to do this time.

Their soft lips colliding again against yours as their hands ran down to unbutton your shirt leaving your bare chest naked as you weren't wearing any undergarments. For a few seconds Hange didn't do anything. As you were ripped from your eyesight, you couldn't see that Hange was in fact staring at the prefect roundness of your boobs displayed to them .

Unable to contain themselves, they ran their tongue on one of your breasts while the other was being fondled with their hands. Your breathing was quickening at their doings. Out of nowhere they bit your nipple softly making you bit the gagball stifling a moan.

Going lower on you they pulled down your pants while they kissed you on your bellybutton. Without warning again you felt a pain on your hip and teeth leaving your skin. Biting you again on the other side of your hip, Hange caressed your inner thighs. This time you couldn't contain the moan as it escaped your mouth through the gag ball.

Looking at your entrance, Hange saw that though they didn't yet completely lay hands on you, you were soaking wet. Then they assumed that it was probably from the long amount of time you had to wait for them.

You heard the opening of the cap of a tube. Your mind raced through all the possibilities of what it could be.

But of course it was the least thing you could expect as you felt something touching your cunt.

It was a lukewarm rubbery thing that was being ran through your swollen folds.

"Wanna guess what it is? Y/n," Hange said as you felt the object or whatever it was penetrate you. An 'hmm' came out of you as your back arched graciously making Hange widen their eyes.

"Ahaha, y/n you beautiful creature! You never cease to amaze me the more I explore you,"Hange complimented pushing the thing deeper into you.

" Lemme reward you for blessing me with his gorgeous sight and return you back your vision, "they continued.

Your insides felt empty as Hange had to remove the item to open the blindfold. You must say you had quite of the shocker to see them. Straddling you was a Hange that you didn't recognize.

They were wearing a black lingerie delicately complimented with black thigh highs and on their pelvis area was a strap-on-dildo.

"I wanted to experiment this on you," they gave you a light smirk before positioning themselves in front of your pussy. Taking the small bottle thrown on the bed nearby, Hange opened it. It was lube. Dropping quite some on the dildo, Hange jerked it to spread the lubricant.

Placing their hand on your hips for support, Hange inserted it again.

They couldn't describe how much they ravished to look at you in this state. As they were thrusting their hips in and out, the room became filled with your moans and Hange's name.

"Yes y/n scream my name louder. Make the neighbours hear how good I'm making you feel," Hange panted.

'Hmmm Hange I'm getting close, go faster please, "you begged them.

Taking your wishes into consideration, Hange did not double up the speed but rather trippled it. You were practically shaking on the bed as your screams got louder and louder.

Not late enough, you released yourself on them. The pleasure was so unbearable it almost hurted. Panting on the bed, you looked at the ceiling to regain control of yourself. Then looking back at Hange, only to see that they were already staring at you lovingly.

"Can you untie me now? I need to pee," you coughed.

"Ahaha, no piss on the bed," Hange declared as you were startled by their statement.

"Just kidding lemme help you refresh yourself," Hange joked making you feel relieved.

End.

Thank you for reading this. :)

[ravysu]

Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

for @bend-me-shape-me's SPN Advent Calendar 2020. prompts (II & III): childhood memories + motels.

dedicated to @xojo <3

"Dude, I swear."

Dean enters the room to Sam's laughing voice, and glances around to take note of the occupants. Cas is sitting with his chin in his hands and wide eyes, cross-legged at the edge of one bed (his and Cas's, Dean guesses), while Sam is sprawled out on the other, pink-cheeked (drunk) and shaking with mirth (drunk again), the storyteller of the evening.

The sight makes his stomach drop — kind of — but in a good way, and he bites his lip to contain a smile as he puts the dinner on the closest table and goes back to lock the door.

It's been a while since all of them shared a room, but it's almost Christmas and motels are crowded, so here they are.

And as much as Dean loves sharing a bed with Cas every night, even if they're not at the bunker (also, minus the unenviable cost of Sam bitching his ears off about needing brain bleach the entire next day, even if all they did was spoon and Sam's obviously the one with the problem) — sometimes he misses the three of them just hanging out. And there's no better place than a shared motelroom for it. Case-free, stuffed with diner foods, and up to absolutely nothing of 'import'.

"Dean wanted to be Santa so bad." Sam finishes, and Dean's pulled back to reality; the one where letting Sam and Cas spend time without him mostly just meant them feeding each other fodder (blackmail, usually for laundry-related situations, or plain, simple annoyance ammunition) about Dean.

"That's fascinating." Cas says, sounding absolutely delighted, because of course he is.

Dean picks up the food.

"Screw you both."

"Hello, Dean." Cas smiles up at him, reaching up with a hand Dean belatedly realizes he's supposed to take. He does then, blushing, and Cas beams, squeezing as Dean sits down beside him (and starts untying his boots with just one hand because goddammit, he still wants to get his feet under the damn covers) and turning back to Sam. "What happened then?"

Sam gives up on his (failing) attempts to fake-gag effectively, easily ignoring Dean using his not-occupied-in-being-held hand to flip him off, and continues. "Epic things, Cas. So Dean shows up, right, at the audition — or, you know, whatever it was supposed to be, choosing ceremony, christmas cult initiation, something — and there's all these kids, about his age, but they're all dressed up in tights, and —"

Dean groans, cutting him off.

He remembers this story.

It had been one of the longest hunts until then, and Dean credits that now to having been just a month away from thirteen — the perfect age, John decided, to leave Sam with him for days without checking in. That's about when it started to become the norm.

Dad had moved them from a ratty motel to an even rattier, and considerably colder apartment before leaving. One bedroom, one couch (although Dean avoided it with a passion; it was springy, smelled odd, and felt too obviously not theirs, so they ended up living almost entirely in their beds that December) and a kitchen so cold Dean remembers debating with himself if he should just bring the damn plates to the bedside table and call it a day.

God, he'd hated living there.

Way more than he ever did in worn-out, roadside motels with staff you could befriend and most guests (albeit concerned, but) easily persuaded to make conversation. It had felt more deserting, more abandoned, and certainly more alone.

But of course he'd played it up for Sam — the kid was eight for hell's sake — and the building-wide Christmas gig (weird, for such an otherwise to-each-their-own sorts of people, but semantics didn't bug Dean at the time, and they don't bug him now) had seemed like a perfect opportunity to solidify his claims of this being a better place to spend the holiday season, Dad or no Dad.

So he'd decided to be Santa.

(In Dean's defense, when the building manager had showed up — old, gruff, but not unlike Bobby Singer — he'd told them they could participate in whatever way they wanted to, and shortly after, told them about the Santa Claus & Elves gig.

Probably because he thought Sam (not Dean, right?) might be into something like that.

He'd obviously not anticipated a skinny twelve year old boy would pick up from those informations that he wanted to be Santa, or he would've stressed a little more on the options, well, skinny twelve year old boys had.

More specifically, green-pointy-hat and striped-tights-wearing options.)

He sighs.

Dean can tell Sam notices it all coming back to him, because the bastard's dopey smile widens. (Way too little tolerance for being the size of a friggin' door, Dean would've claimed, but he's more than familiar with Sam's eggnog recipe.)

"What's the matter, Dean?" Sam snorts, clearly pleased with himself for having brought up an embarrassing enough story, god knows how. "Let me finish for Cas, at least, geez. Don't —"

Dean buries his face in his palm.

"— be elfish."

Cas tilts his head. "I believe you mean selfish, Sam."

"Oh no," Sam cackles. "I really don't."

*

The night ends soon after a late dinner, with a smug Sam passing out and starting to snore the minute he's on his pillow (bitch really just played into all ridiculous drunk stereotypes, Dean scoffs) and Dean emerging from the shower to find no Cas in the room, and the door unlocked.

He spots the ex-angel staring at the sky the moment he steps out of their room to look, and joins him, circling an arm around his waist to slide a hand into Cas's warm pocket, entwining his fingers with the latter's.

Cas leans into his warmth. It's midnight. "Merry Christmas, Dean."

Dean presses his lips to Cas's cheek, just for a second, because they're not in their room and he isn't keen to get into a fight at twelve am on Christmas Eve because a random dickhead sees them. "Merry Christmas, babe."

The air is cold, heavy, but it doesn't remind Dean of that godawful kitchen — just waking up blanketless, because the love of his life is a sworn-to-denial blanket hog. Similarly, the sky's speckled with stars, and he can tell it invokes emotions — nostalgia? — in the former angel, but he doesn't look sad. He just squeezes a little more snug against Dean.

As if in each other, they've found ways to forget the pain, the guilt, and the sadness. It's not just the proximity, not just the heat, but the reassurance, the company and the comfort.

And isn't that exactly what love's about?

"So," Cas gently breaks the quiet, as if he understands that Dean's thoughts have drifted somewhere. "Santa Claus, huh?"

"Man, I'd even borrowed a hat." Dean grumbles back.

"Don't elves wear hats too?" Cas teases, mouth quirked in a half-smirk, radiating happiness and fondness, with a hint of pride at probably understanding a relatively human concept, and he sounds so much like himself, and so adorable, and god, Dean loves him.

So he buries his face in Cas's shoulder, hiding a smile he can't hold in.

"Okay, screw you too."