#it's a favourite pasttime of his

[teddybeartoji]

18+ mdni; gn!reader

toji has an oral fixation.

oh, how he loves having his mouth on you. it's one of his favourite pasttimes; no matter whether it's making out and sucking on your tongue, or trailing his scarred lips over the side of your neck, pressing warm kisses against your jaw and pulse point like it's the only thing he knows. he loves having his mouth on your nipples, too. wrapping his lips around the sensitive bud and watch you arch into him while he plays with the other. he loves littering your chest with hickeys and he loves watching them bloom. his marks on you, from his mouth – it drives him wild. and last but not least – he loves giving you head. slobbering all over you, covering you in his saliva as he tries to devour you whole. feeling you cum on his tongue? absolutely nothing can compare to the sensation of that. nothing.

he loves the way you taste, he loves the way you sound, he loves the way you writhe under his burning touch. you're sweeter than anything else he's ever had and he simply can't get enough of you. he'll have you in every way he can, in every way you'll let him.

toji also loves sucking on your fingers.

of course, he'd be a little (read: very) ashamed to admit that out loud, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like it. there's just something so freeing in the way you let him melt into you, the way you don't tease him for wanting to let go. he wants to feel good, too. he wants to give up the power and just feel.

it is new to him though; you were always the one with his fingers in your mouth, so having the roles reversed, toji does feel a little small. in the best way possible.

having you on top of him, sitting perfectly on his stomach with your one hand firmly on his chest and the other caressing his face, toji can't help but feel himself twitch in his sweats. his mouth salivates at the sight of your cunning little smile and the twinkle in your eyes as you purr about how good he looks under you. he doesn't argue.

the tips of his ears burn and his adam's apple bobs, feeling your fingers tracing over the scar on his lips. his hands hold onto your waist like you're about to take flight, his strong grasp bruising your soft skin, making you let out a quiet moan. toji's hips buck upward and he watches your smile widen.

"open up, baby..."

your voice might also just kill him. it's sultry and still brimming with love, you're gentle and just a tad bit teasing – it's the perfect combination. toji's lips part without an objection, his mossy green eyes glued to yours as they do the same.

you push two fingers in and hum at the overwhelming warmth that envelops them immediately. toji's chest rumbles with a groan of his own at the way you run them over the sharp edges of his canines. leaving yourself a little closer to them, you place a kiss to his cheek while holding your fingers to his tongue, pressing it down as you slide them further into his mouth. toji holds back a gag and lets his eyes fall shut; your scent fills his nostrils and the way you're now nuzzling your face into his is not making any of this any less erotic.

finally toji's lips close properly around your fingers and he feels you smile against his skin. and then he feels your hips grinding ever-so-slightly on his stomach and now he really feels like he's losing his mind. you're all over him, but what gets him the most is that none of this is the usual 'sex stuff'. he's always been open to experimenting, he's willing to try just about anything you'd ever want to with a few eyelash flutters and a few pretty 'please's', but this? this is something else.

for starters, you're both still fully clothed. clad in your most basic pyjama, you're making him more turned on than he's ever been. and he's just so, so used to be the one in control, to be the one on the top – so submitting to you feels foreign, but so fucking good. you're making him discover things about himself that he never could've even dreamt about. him sucking on your fingers while you're humping his abs? oh, you'll kill him one day for sure.

but he's not complaining.

his tongue swivels around your two fingers as he begins to push and pull your hips to help you grind against him. you lick the side of his face, covering him in your saliva before pulling back just a little to look at him. below you, with your fingers in your mouth – he looks fucking extraordinary. you feel over the moon about the fact that he feels comfortable enough with you to let you have your way with him. you're utterly thankful for the glorious sight and you will most certainly reward him for it as well.

there's a soft squelch when toji hollows his cheeks and sucks on your digits. a sickeningly sweet coo spills from your lips and his eyes crack open; your gazes meet and you swear his whole body twitches under you. his hold on you gets tighter, his fingers sinking in deeper and you can't help but wonder how big of a mess he might be making in his sweats.

spit makes his lips glisten under the light emitting from the tv; shadows of the long forgotten movie dance on his skin, the whispers getting muffled by the sounds that he keeps making. he doesn't feel as embarrassed anymore, slowly succumbing to the hazy feeling in his head. he's addicted, he wants more and more and more.

and as if on cue, you force your fingers deeper down his throat once more, eyes set on the way his own roll right back into his head. his head dips forward, sinking into the pillow behind him and giving you the most beautiful view of his blooming neck. you're matching – he marks you up and you do the same. it's love.

pulling your fingers with a 'pop', a whine slips from toji but before he can really complain about it, you press your mouth to his. your lips smack together as you cradle his face with your spit-covered hand, tugging him closer and closer. his big arms wrap around your middle as he pulls you flush to him, moaning into your mouth when you decide to suck on his tongue in turn.

he can taste your desire, the need to make him feel good and to take care of him as you push yourself further into him. toji feels like he's about to explode. he wants to kiss, he wants to feel your fingers again, he wants to make you cum, he wants to make love to you.

hovering just above his face, you bring your hand back to his mouth and grant him his wish. he doesn't need to say it out loud, you know exactly what he wants and what he needs. slipping your index and your middle finger between his lips, you both groan at the feeling.

you give him a smile and butterflies bloom in his belly. you give him a peck while still having your fingers in your mouth and cum seeps through his sweats.

toji fushiguro is a weak, weak man and you have him wrapped around your pretty little fingers.

literally.

[slutforpringles]

I'm convinced his favourite pasttime is chatting absolute rubbish usually with a bunch of words he doesn't fully know the meaning of (affectionately).

via: Behind The Scenes F1 Drivers Opening Titles

[polakina]

what they're like during an argument

call of duty headcanons #4

hc masterlist // masterlist

craving a bit of angst rn...so kaboom

rating: mature

-

you both raised your voices in heated arguments

everybody on base steered clear of the captain's office whenever they heard you shouting through the walls

he wasn't shouting out of anger, more out of fear. feeling protective over you

the mission had gone south and you were almost caught in the crossfire, escaping the bullets with a few grazes and some bruises from a fist fight

he got worried about you, asking if you were alright, but the consistent check ups began to aggravate you because you knew he paid more attention to when you were injured than the other boys

it made you feel like he didn't trust you out in the field as much, or as though you needed to be supervised

so when you snapped at him, that's when things got heated

you blew up about how he never trusted you to do your job

he blew up about how he needed to make sure you were okay

there was never physical contact involved, nobody threw anything, but the room filled with your screams and shouts until eventually one of you stormed off

it was price who came to you a few hours after you'd slammed the door in his face, knocking gently on the door to your office and peeking inside

you were too stubborn, too prideful to go to him first to apologised, and you hated that about yourself

so, of course, when he came into the room and apologised, you'd broken down and said he wasn't his fault

because it wasn't. you snapped first. he wasn't in the wrong here

deathly quiet

its kind of scary

the whole argument came about when he was set to leave for a dangerous mission and wouldn't tell you anything about it

you'd grown tired of his vague responses and the way he'd brushed away your questions

so you got angry, spouting comments on how you'd never know if he got hurt while on mission because he never talked to you, how you were constantly worried when he left for work and came back injured or had new bruises you hadn't seen before

he stayed quiet, sat on the edge of the bed, taking the one sided argument on the chin and saying nothing in response

but that only infuriated you more

he never shouted at you. never got angry or emotional

he was a violent man when he was with the 141. ruthless and cold and calculated

but with you, he'd never raised his voice in your whole relationship, and he never would. you, and this house you both lived in, were his safe place to come back to

so when he didn't speak to you the whole time you let your emotion take over and you tear into him, you only grew worse until it practically reduced you to tears

the second he saw that shine in your eyes, he was off the bed and had his arms wrapped around you in seconds

his fingers softly raked through your hair, his other hand drifting up and down your spine comfortingly as you tried to fight your way out of his grasp

eventually when you succumbed to the embrace and hugged him back, wrapping your arms tightly around his waist, he kissed the top of your head, muttering that he would never leave you alone. that he would always come back home

and he always did

you didn't really know how the argument came about

soap often liked to poke and prod at you to rile you up

arguing with you was something he took enjoyment in. he found it to be one of his favourite pasttimes

if it was anyone else, they'd be cowering, most likely. your assertive voice and threatening stance usually made them back into a corner

but not him

there was often a goofy smile on his face when you shouted at him, since he knew that this was exactly what was going to come about after he'd twinged your last nerve

the other boys in the 141 often berated him for riling you up, knowing they'd all after deal with your mood after, but it never stopped him

so when he'd poked fun at you in the meeting room, he saw your eyes glare at him in that certain kind of way. saw your nostrils flare and your head tilt in his direction, he knew he was fucked

the other guys cleared out of there pretty quick. price, now used to your constant back-and-forths, dismissed the meeting and closed the door behind him, sighing disappointedly when you didn't even wait till he was out of the room to start having a go at him

you stood over him, seriously laying into him about how childish he was, how stupid it was to pick a fight with

you didn't know whether to feel more angry or just amused at the way his eyes lit up and his lips were painted with that stupid goofy grin as he looked up at you

he loved these fights. he loved watching you get annoyed with him and raise your voice at him

but he also knew you were too much a 'quick to jump the gun' of a person to ever let the slightest thing slide, and he was too much of a child to never not poke fun

so it was a silent compromise that you both agreed on. you shout at him, and he just sat back at happily took it

hated fighting with you

it was always over something stupid

but his evasion to dealing with arguments never settled them any faster. he wasn't a man of confrontation, but knew you needed to get it out when you had to

so when he came home scarred, bruised and beaten, you lost it

he'd expected it, so when you forced him to take off his shirt and show you his wounds, he sat through the verbal abuse he received while you reluctantly patched him up

it was an argument, of sorts

it was more like you scolding a child for putting himself in a situation where you knew he was going to get hurt

there was an underlying sense of 'i told you so' lacing your tone

you disinfected and wrapped his cuts, purposefully not warning him when you applied alcohol to the cut and making him flinch in pain

he'd apologised at least eight times since sat on the bathroom counter, you stood between his legs as you cleaned the wounds on his chest

but it didn't mean anything. not right now, it didn't

he'd never raise his voice. he listens to your side of the story entirely, and apologises when you're finished and when you've calmed down

after leaving him once his wounds are tended to, you go about your duties that you usually take on when you're stressed. he doesn't bother you

but he comes up to you when you're leaning over the kitchen counter, drumming your fingers on the worktop, your anger now diminished and leaving you feel bad for Gaz who you just verbally berated for almost an hour

it was your way of showing you worried, and it could get a little intense

he came up behind you, his hands on your waist, kissing your shoulder gently, rubbing circles into your hips, apologising into your skin

you turned, meeting his lips with a soft kiss

he had some making up to do for making you worry. and this was a start

[roseglazedlens]

I lieu of October coming up, how would some of the resident evil characters spend Halloween with the reader? ♡♡♡

𝗛𝗢𝗪 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗬 𝗦𝗣𝗘𝗡𝗗 𝗛𝗔𝗟𝗟𝗢𝗪𝗘𝗘𝗡 ✧.*

┇LEON S. KENNEDY┇CARLOS OLIVEIRA┇ETHAN WINTERS┇ ┇CLAIRE REDFIELD┇ASHLEY GRAHAM┇ADA WONG┇ content: SFW! Ada's part is slightly suggestive! a/n: thank you for the request! I had problem with some of these for a while, but with halloween around the corner i found the festive vibes for this!! hope you enjoy, dear! thank you for requesting again!! « masterlist┇reblogs appreciated! »

LEON S. KENNEDY

Leon doesn't usually dress up. It's out of the way for him to do so usually. But he can be bribed with a good meal and hug.

Old man thinks he's too cool to enjoy Halloween. But he actually really enjoyed dressing up in his low budget vampire suit from the discounted section of a Halloween store.

This is the only time in the year he would slick back his hair with gel in spite of how you think it looks really good on him, framing his features and accentuating his blue eyes. He is very stubborn and likes his hair down.

Now he wears the same costume every year. So much that you're getting really sick of it. He insists that it makes him look good (and it does)

He tries to act cool, but he hates horror movies. When you are watching it together, his hand will be clasping your arm tight, shaking a little.

"Are you sure you don't want to watch something else?" You would ask, and he would respond with: "Pfft. Me? I'm not scared at all."

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Halloween is Claire's favourite holiday! She LOVES it.

And so does the kids in her neighbourhood. She always has a huge smile on her face with trick or treaters, will compliment everyone's costumes and give away extra treats.

I see her going all out for Halloween parties. She learnt SFX makeup and a bit of sewing so that her costumes and make-up are really scary.

Which is a stark contrast with her brother, Chris. He thinks dressing up is a chore and a waste of time. When he does dress-up, it's always in uniform (e.g. firefighter, cop). He thinks it makes him look cool. (He's not wrong but, what is up with Chris and uniforms?)

Already planned out her costumes for the next five years (Ideas keep changing too). She definitely wishes there are more days in Halloween because she has so many ideas.

CARLOS OLIVEIRA

Carlos is a menace during Halloween.

In no way is Carlos the best at making costumes or doing scary make-up, but Carlos is very creative.

Years ago, Carlos disguised himself as a stuffed doll sitting on the porch. Gave all the kids the fright of their life. He will watch them scram away in fear, and bellows a laugh. (traumatising kids is his favourite pasttime)

Another year, he devised a mechanism that springs up a shadowed figure anytime someone rings his doorbell.

He became infamous in his neighbourhood for his antics, and it's now an attraction for both kids and grown-ups every Halloween.

I also see him and Claire becoming really good friends from their united love for Halloween!

ASHLEY GRAHAM

I headcanon Ashley to crochet, so with Halloween coming, I see her crocheting a spooky themed sweater top, or a granny square bag to embrace the season.

I think Ashley loves to host Halloween parties. With the size of her dad's house, she can accomodate a lot of friends. Often going over the top with themes and decorations.

This year's theme is Harry Potter. She custom ordered a 3 metre (10 feet) tall animatronic of a Dementor in her party and everyone loved it!

She also loves bingeing spooky movies during Halloween. Ashley loves horror movies so much! I don't see her screaming at horror movies, she has grown an immunity to them from watching too many.

ETHAN WINTERS

We already know Ethan has meticulously planned for Halloween almost a month in advance just for Rose.

He is determined to make Rose experience the best childhood, and that includes Halloween too.

Ethan loves matching costumes (would never admit it though), especially with Rose and you too.

When he finishes dressing up Rose, he snaps a million pictures of her, claiming he will show it to Rose when she's all grown up. And Rose will say "Dad, I don't want to take any more photos. The treats are gonna run out!"

Very protective. If anyone has a scary costume, he will steer Rose away from the scary man. Same for people who are underdressed, or is just generally creepy. Not on his watch.

ADA WONG

Halloween is not Ada's cup of tea. She goes out of her way to avoid going out during these days.

For trick or treaters, she leaves a candy bowl on her porch for kids to help themselves. Ada enjoys seeing the silly costumes the kids wear, but she despises interacting with them.

If you are special to Ada, she will put on a sexy Halloween outfit in the privacy of your quarters just for you. She won't take responsibility for whatever you guys might do afterwards. But those are just for your eyes only.

Ada watches horror movies with a blank face. At this point, nothing phases her anymore. I think she'll find them boring and slightly frustrating, with the stupid things the protagonists do to get themselves in danger. She rather watch true crime instead.

thanks for reading! come check out my other works. —yours truly, rose. tags: @valsthea @kennedyswhore @emilzke @daydreamrot @j3llyd0nut @ovaryacted @obsolescent © roseglazedlens — please do not repost, plagiarise, or feed to ai.

[stopisa]

your shared bedroom is typically very quiet if you ignore the snuffs of breath your boyfriend exhales through his nose sometimes in concentration. tonight is a different matter, a completely different matter, actually. an otherwise peaceful space has been disrupted with four very distinct sounds; flesh slapping against flesh, the ringing of a cow bell, your partner’s grunts and the helpless moans that escape your plush lips.

your face is buried into the pillows, moans barely muffled by the fabric every time ushijima withdraws that abnormally long cock, heavy balls slapping against your sensitive clit when he forces his way back in. you’d think it was his favourite pasttime to mount your smaller body, large calloused hands palming at any inch of your body he can - he particularly likes to grab at your ass, pulling the flesh of your cheeks apart so he can watch the sweet cunt he loves to breed so much struggle to fit every inch of that god forsaken cock of his.

the bell is a constant reminder of ownership, healthily of course. you’d gifted it to him barely two years into your relationship and he’d refused to part with it since. in your household, it’d become a familiar sound to hear it chiming as ushijima moves around. but when he’s clambering over your back, roughly trying to shove as much cock into you, it’s just a futile reminder that you’re not the one owning him.

“—jima!” you wail out, almost drowned out by his vocal grunts by your ear, his hot breath fanning across your skin. he’s either planning to bend your body in half or merge you with the mattress - either way, you’re feeling it in the morning.

he’ll continue until the pillows are damp with your drool and pretty crystalline tears, not a thought in your head other than the numerous loads of thick cum he’s dumped into your womb, filling you up like an unsatiated hunger. he’ll continue even if your legs are shaking and quivering, your body struggling to hold yourself up. he’ll continue even if he has to flip you onto your back, your hands grabbing at his shoulders and long protruding horns for some semblance of something to cling onto while you endure just another mating season with your beloved partner.

you wouldn’t change it for the world.

hybrid tuesday order no.1 !! 🌷

hoLY SHIT thank you so much for blessing me with some bull hybrid!ushi😭😭 i am so grateful u went through the lengths and feeding me like this. fuck but now you have given me such ushi brainrot that you plus others will have to hear me yell about !!

all i kno is this is how i b post-mating szn

[youhavehitawall]

Average day on Team 86.

Hicks is the kind of guy who just ploughs through whatever he doesn't even notice. He's like a slab of rebar with wheels. Wall? Gone. Door? Gone. He crashes through the entryway and Zach and Bruiser fall in after him like a mean girls parody. He is banned from most public spaces and doesn't know what a frappe is

Zach and Bruiser fully support this by the way,

Bruiser is the PR manager which means a lot of short clips of Chick either being an absolute nightmare of a car, or getting stuck in a blanket for a solid ten minutes. One of his favourite pasttimes is egging Chick on to see what happens. Boy howdy does he love putting that guy in Situations!

Zach is the chillest of the crew chiefs and basically lets his rabid racecar do whatever. He thinks its funny and noone else is willing to take Chick on so he gets to keep primary ""babysitter"" privileges. [that being said, he is also the most normal of team 86, and is the voice of reason. he stops things getting out of hand without ruining the fun]

[distantlaughter]

BEWARE OF SERIOUS MEN WITH BABYFACES…: Rosberg smiles frequently, but his default expression as he waits for each question is with eyes narrowed to attention. By his own admission he values precision above all else in his own life and in the people around him. He later commends me for being well researched. Just half an hour with Nico and you’re left with one very strong impression of the man: he is serious. He has the energy, and youthful appearance, of an excited child when the conversation turns to table tennis for example – his favourite pasttime to sharpen his reflexes off the track – but on the topic of 2014, his eyes sharpen again to laser points. You might call it a ‘game-face’, but Formula One is no longer a game for him. If a breakthrough season with multiple podium finishes is ever going to happen, it is now, this year. He had his first win last year at the Chinese Grand Prix in 2012, his Mercedes AMG Petronas car has closed the gap on their opponents in terms of its performance and his new teammate is an old go-karting mate, the “very talented” Lewis Hamilton.

(2014)

[neoromeoart]

Watching Sacha brush his hair before they go to sleep is one of Bull's favourite pasttimes, even when it has him faced with the visual reminder of the time he failed in his duty as Sacha's bodyguard, and Sacha's largest scar.

(During the Inquisition Erimond once kidnapped Sacha, and 'stole' the magical tattoo from his back via flaying.)

[shrimpalbuspotter]

Get ready guys because this is a DOOZY and it's LONG

I've been thinking about an alternate cursed child timeline where Harry Potter lived (no need for logistics... cough) but Voldemort still ruled so the world was Dark, and Harry has all three of his children (albeit, Albus and Lily were accidents. Oops) but when James is 9, Albus is 7, and Lily Luna is 5, the Death Eaters find where they had been hiding. Ginny and Harry are killed almost immediately, and being the Gryffindors they are, James trys to save them and Lily refuses to leave her big brothers side, whilst Albus runs off to hide. James and Lily die. (At this point, Snape would be teaching and Hermione is out scavenging with Ron. None of them could have helped. They blame themselves, but Snape always tells them it was inevitable despite being distraught himself)

We cut to see Voldemort and Delphi (who would be 15, as she's only 8 years older than albus I think) walking around the house the Potters had been hiding in, and Delphi makes the discovery of a trembling little boy hiding in a wardrobe. Now, Delphi had been waffling on about wanting a pet for years. Typical child things, which Voldemort always refused, as he sees them as useless, and isn't Nagini enough? She's much better than some pesky Kneazle.

But alas, looking at this terrified child gave Delphi a new idea, one her father might just not refuse. Upon asking Voldemort if she can keep this halfblood as her new pet, promising to feed him and train him and wash him all by herself, Voldemort laughed. Wouldn't it be the cruelest revenge on Harry Potter, and his blood traitor slash mudblood friends that just keep causing trouble, if he took in the young boy? Yes. It would.

Now when I first thought of this timeline it was really dark like, Albus wasn't allowed to go to Hogwarts as he was The Augureys pet and a Halfblood, so his whole education was locked in a room with Delphi Riddle whilst reading tens of books a day. Ofcourse, this was all useless, as he wasn't given a want and infact, his pasttimes included snapping the wands of the people who they capture. Also, he wasnt socialised at all until he was 11 and spent those 4 years alone with death eaters. He worked as that of an assistant, to both The Augurey and on occasion the Dark Lord if he was needed. Albus is given the nickname Munin, one of the messenger birds of Odin. It's rather muggle, but Delphi had an odd fascination for those types of things. In this timeline Albus isn't as snappy or angry. Instead, he's jittery and hyper vigilant, he still hates loud noises but his reaction to it is always rather 10x more, so he'll rather physically jump/scatter to hide behind Delphi OR he'll look as if he doesn't care at all, merely blinking. He also still hate seeing touched, but doesn't do anything to stop people if they pat his shoulder or his head in passing. He scurries instead if walks, like he's constantly scared he's going to be late to something. But he never stutters, speaking clearly and calmly whilst rubbing his sweaty hands together to stop his nerves. Basically he's anxious, all the time. Besides this, he's in some parasocial relationship with Delphi where he worships her like she's some type of god because she has tricked him into thinking that she saved his life, and without her he'd have been avada kedavrad already. Delphi doesn't play into these silly feelings but she absolutely uses them to her advantage. Albus would be sent off to deliver messages to people, or help out on voldemort day, or chaperone Delphi everywhere. He needs to declare whenever she enters a room. She'll often taunt him by making him tag along with her on matters which don't need him, usually because they are in Hogwarts. He hates walking through Hogwarts, getting whispered about always makes him feel sick. (Now just letting you all know everyone HATES Albus because he's Harry Potters son, but they can't do shit about it because he's also The Augureys favourite.) It isn't all bad though as during a lone mission in Hogwarts to go deliver a message to Headmaster Umbridge is where he first met Scorpius, the Scorpion King. (They were 11)

But... now that I've really gotten into the timeline, I feel like it isn't silly enough... like, why not. Why isn't it silly. Why can't I make it a little silly. So, I kept everything that was dark about it, and just added small stuff that was stupid.

Albus talks back to Voldemort and has no idea why everyone else always panics when he does so, because Delphi does it all the time so isn't it normal.

Albus has free range of whatever Manor Voldemort resides in. He is always in that fuckass kitchen eating crap

He writes a letter to Hermione, Ron, and Snape once every 2 weeks when they finally have the ability to talk to him again because they hadn't seen him since he was 7, Snape being the exception, but they never had the chance to speak). They are so confused by the shenanigans he gets up to. Also, why does he keep telling them about Delphi sneaking into the Dungeons to talk to some muggle girl?

Him and Scorpius or on that bullshit. Like, they are always up to something whenever they see eachother.

Instead of having a dark mark like everyone else, he has a matching Augurey tattoo with Delphi on his back. It works like a dark mark, but the charm on it is less potent.

He also has matching outfits with Delphi, he's kind of like her dress up doll. She gave him a little feathery cape and a backless suit.

He quite literally sits at Delphis feet like a dog. He sleeps on the floor with like pillows and blankets. His back aches.

One time Hermione had told Albus they should all meet up, and said she'd make a plan so he could leave safely without getting caught and hurt for wandering around. Albus asked for where they would be meeting and as soon as he got a reply, casually just strolled out of the Manor with a simple nod to one of the deatheaters on watch outside

There's more stuff... more serious, more silly. I'd say he's alot like Snape with Voldemort but he really isn't. Delphi quite literally just views him as a cute little pet she can carry around and show off, and all the assistant things he does is just some added bonus. He isn't a spy for whatever Is left of The Order, refusing to give them information when they first met up (information he knows because he is always following behind Delphi during meetings and mission etc etc)

I might draw him... maybe.

[enbysiriusblack]

Regulily timetravel AU

ooh. i never read timetravel aus, so honestly do not have many ideas about it (my picturing of a marauder time travel au is literally just james & sirius as bill & ted ngl 😭)

but,, let me think.. hmm.. okay i'm thinking lily being a quirky 80s character (idk!! time travellers are always from 80s films!! let me have my 80s lily!!), huge science dork. decides to build a time machine just for the kicks. it works (she thinks) so she travels back to the 1200s for kicks. when trying to leave the 1200s she realises she can't & is trying to figure out how to when she meets nobleman regulus who is currently trying to avoid having to go on a hunt with his father. she tries to explain the science of her time machine to him and he does not understand a word but is completely enamoured. they then keep meeting up when regulus is avoiding hunts (a favourite pasttime of nobles, but he does not have the stomach for it) and lily is trying to fix her time machine whilst regulus sits on a tree log nearby silently for hours.

[anachronistic-falsehood]

physically hurts me william saying "vyncent can you drive? i've fucked up enough today" like he's so fucking upset he doesn't even want to engage in his favourite pasttime which is pretending to be good at driving. he doesn't even want to sit behind the wheel and not look at the road and then drive into a ditch. thats his favourite thing to do aside from solve mysteries and get himself killed. fuck

[inkykeiji]

can you do #16 pasttime with sd!nat shouto please? 💙

prompt: past time series: sugar daddy natsuo warnings: use of the word daddy, touya being touya briefly mentioned, ASPD mention words: 1k

The sun is just beginning its descent below the horizon by the time you arrive, smearing the sky with strokes of pink and orange. The dense scent of burnt rubber infuses the air, and your nose wrinkles cutely as you exit Shouto’s Aston Martin. He laughs, giving your hand a gentle squeeze as he leads you toward the entrance, gravel popping beneath the rubber of your sneakers.

Jaku Go-Karts. 

It’s a dingy little place now, rundown and ruined by the passage of time, but Shouto loves it all the same. 

The concrete is cracked, stained with crisscrossing skid marks from rubber burnt. The thick tractor tires that line the racetrack are worn and fraying; scars they bear from constant abuse. That shitty little snack-shack, pitched off to the side of the speedway as though thrown in as an afterthought, is still the same; all white chipping paint and stale funnel cakes, with the old arcade having shrunk to a mere three units, all unheard of, screens washed out and flickering. 

Even after twenty odd years, the track hasn’t changed a bit, and Shouto knows every twist, every curve, every fork, the route seared into the tissues of his brain with such accuracy that he’s sure he could drive the whole course with his eyes blindfolded. 

“This was one of our favourite past times, when we were kids,” he tells you as he rests his wrists on the chainlink fence, notes of melancholy in his tone.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It was one of the few things we all loved doing, together.”

“Even Touya?”

“Even Touya,” Shouto nods, pausing for a moment as a memory flashes through his mind, then exhaling a snort through a sardonic little smirk. “Granted, I’m sure Touya enjoyed this mostly because he got to repeatedly run me off the track.”

“Why am I not surprised,” you respond dryly. 

The image of three Todoroki boys materializes in your head; Touya already the smallest, his younger brothers towering over him, but still the ringleader nevertheless, marching onto the track with their souped up go-karts—Touya’s plastered with crude stickers, peeling and veiny; Natsuo’s all clean lines and glistening paint; Shouto’s full of dents and dings, paint scraped in sharp strokes, revealing the silver metal beneath. 

It must’ve been nice, even if only for a moment; a short instance where they all got along, despite a few bumps and patches, co-existing in some semblance of semi-peaceful, enjoying a singular activity, together. 

“It was a rare, acceptable method to torture me.” 

And although Shouto’s voice is wry, there’s a small smile on his face, eyes glazed with nostalgia-tinged memories—hazy, soft, coated in sugar.  

“Once, my kart even caught on fire. Natsuo pulled me from it before any real damage was done,” his gaze shifts downward, blunt nails picking at his cuticles, huffing out a mangled imitation of a chuckle. “Touya was so angry he didn’t talk to him for days. Said he ruined a perfect instance of ‘poetic justice’. Said it was divine intervention, and he should’ve just let it play out.”

“That’s terrible,” you breathe.

“That’s Touya,” Shouto shrugs with a weary acceptance. 

“So he’s always been a sociopath, then.”

That gets Shouto to laugh, sweet smile dispelling most of the despondence from his face, gaze flicking to yours through the corner of his eye. “Technically, he couldn’t have been diagnosed with ASPD just yet. He was only about fifteen or so. But yeah, he’s always been messed up.” 

Questions itch on your tongue, and you fold it in on itself, pressing it to the roof of your mouth in an attempt to smother them. 

Why was it only him? Daddy and Shouto and Fuyumi have their issues, sure, but doesn’t everyone? Maybe their personality flaws are a bit more severe than the average person’s, but that can be brushed off and explained by the fact that they were raised by a billionaire, can’t it? They all grew up under the same roof, so why is Touya so much worse? 

Your tongue flattens, then curls over your teeth, sucking for a moment before slowly scraping against the edges. It’s none of your business, and it shouldn’t matter anyway. 

“Enough about Touya,” you demand with a wave of your hand. “We came here to race, didn’t we?” 

Laughing again, Shouto shakes his head, fondness settling in his eyes. “Yeah, sweetheart, we came to race.”

“I’m gonna leave you in the dust!”

“Bold statement to make to a seasoned pro,” he quips. 

In the end, you do leave Shouto in the dust, but only because he allows you to, slowing down around wide corners and crashing into sharp turns on purpose as you whiz past him. Nevertheless, it’s still fun, your cheeks sore from incessant smiling and your throat raw from grating laughs and screams, and he still treats you to ice cream, just like he promised he would if you beat him—Don’t tell your Daddy, okay? He’d flip if he knew you were having sweets before dinner—the tips of your fingers encrusted with glittering sugar from the sugar cones, mouths stained blue and pink from the artificial dyes. 

You’re practically falling asleep in his arms by the time he gets you back to Natsuo, who coos and quickly takes you from his little brother, his most precious possession being returned to him. 

And after you’ve been washed and brushed and put to bed, Natsuo sits down with Shouto, sweating crystal glasses filled with whiskey and ice in their palms, and asks him why he did it. 

“Why I did what? You asked me to take her out, give her a good time, and I did. As I always do.”

Natsuo fixes him with a look, features flat and unimpressed. “You know that’s not what I’m asking. Why did you bring her there, of all places?” 

Swirling amber in his hand, Shouto shrugs, staring at his glass and clinking ice against the sides. 

“I thought it’d be nice, you know, to make new memories there. We loved it so much when we were kids and I—I didn’t want to lose that. I won’t lose that.” He looks up, mismatched eyes shining in the dim light of Natsuo’s study. “It’s time we start reclaiming some things.” 

[the-fuckwizard]

Sam Liveblogs The Enemy Of The World Pt.1

Within two minutes of the start of the episode, The Doctor runs down a beach with the giddiness of a 5 year old.

Two wears long johns as a base layer. Noted. and then goes in the water with them and presumably puts his clothes back on OVER(?) the wet long johns?

Victoria: Oh Doctor, what if we landed in a world of madmen? Doctor: They're human beings, if that's what you mean, indulging in their favourite pasttime of trying to destroy each other.

Jamie punches a guy.

This episode set in the future is now in the irl past. 2018 according to the registration in the helicopter.

Victoria is sitting on Jamie's lap in the helicopter. My touch starved ass needs some of that. Get me a clingy scottish twink.

The Doctor actually patches up someone's wound for once then insists he's not a Doctor of medicine. He didn't need to say that. Astrid wouldn't have know any different. Yeah, keep her wondering...

Is this old clown flirting???

Oh this Salamander fellow has a goofy accent. Is that supposed to be spanish?

"Impersonate Salamander.". "Yes, that's what I thought we were leading up to." Me too.

I leave this with a greater respect for Patrick Troughton's acting abilities.

[candied-boys]

🍯 Honey Cakes 🍯

Luke Randolph x fem! Reader

Tags: merpeople au, lazy! Luke, happy! Luke, possessive! Luke, romance, picnics, cottagecore, eventual smut, happy ending

1500 words

The sound of a babbling brook singing against the rocks, the bounce of tender moss beneath your shoes, the weight of a basket full of goodies in hand — each warming your heart like the gentle spring sun above.

Today is the perfect day for a picnic...

After all it is your only day off, which is why you're making your way through the royal forest towards the hidden lake. With the castle spires just barely visible over the lush green canopy you aren't particularly worried about getting caught trespassing.

Especially not when you discover the perfect spot on the farthest side of the water — a little alcove at the foot of the mountain’s steep rock face, shaded by evergreens and warmed by black granite. Far enough from the waterfall to stay dry but close enough to enjoy the view, you spread out your tattered and patched sheet near the edge and plop down.

Watching the clouds slip past has been one of your favourite pasttimes since childhood. After kneading the dough from the wee hours of the morning, popping loaves in and out of the wood fired oven, and preparing for the next day until the bread sells out, giving your feet a rest and enjoying the calm of nature is the perfect change of pace.

As the sun peaks in the sky you begin to grow hungry, so you rummage through the overflowing basket and pull out the food you packed — leftovers from last night's dinner, fresh bread to pair with homemade jam from last autumn's harvest, and the little round cakes Mrs. Baker gave you last night when they didn't sell.

The Bakers are the very sweet old couple you work for. They run one of the local bakeries out of the first floor of their house where you live in the cozy little attic. Since you have no family of your own and since their children have long since grown up and moved away, they spoil you like a grandchild when they can. This usually means that when the bread and pastries don't sell out before the end of the day you get to keep the leftovers.

By the time you finish last night's stew, a few chickadees have stopped by to steal the crumbs off your sheet as have a raft of ducks — no doubt hoping to plump up for the ducklings that will soon be born. Tossing the crust of your bread piece by piece out onto the water you watch them fuss over who gets first dibs. It's so much fun that you don't even spare your precious dessert, taking one bite for yourself and one chunk for the ducks.

The cake is heavier than the bread was though and it quickly sinks beneath the surface when you don't throw it close enough for the birds to snatch up immediately. This is even more entertaining, however, because the ducks dive for the bits of cake and show you their adorable tails.

Lost in the wake of the birds frolicking, you don't notice the subtle disturbance of the water nearing the rock ledge next to where you sit until a dark-red mop of hair pops out at your feet and says, “Oh, so it is you that threw that sweet stuff in the water.”

Too dumbfounded to shriek, you just stare at the man who crosses his arms on the ledge and looks straight at you.

Quickly regaining your senses you scold him, “Are you crazy?! What are you doing? You're going to catch hypothermia!! Get out of the water!!”

“It’s already the end of March. It’s not that cold no more,” he counters and lays his chin atop his forearms.

You're pretty sure the lake only just began to thaw this month, but he doesn't show any signs of chill — no shivers, no blue lips, no disorientation.

As you look him over you can't help but comment, “You… uh… have weeds in your hair…”

“Oh — just part of livin’ in the lake. So do y' have any more of whatever y're feedin’ the birds?” he drawls up at you while tugging the verdant leafs from his messy rust coloured locks.

“Yeah, I have more if you like,” you answer automatically and turn to fetch another cake from the tin behind you, but before your hand reaches the container you find yourself squealing.

“Wait!! Living in the lake?! What are you talking about?!!!”

“Oh, d'y think I'm human or somethin’?” he laughs and pulls himself up to sit next to you.

Taken aback by the sheer beauty of his emerald tail, it hits you too late that you might be in danger. The moment you try to scuttle away he catches you by the wrist and pins you beneath him.

Yet his gaze isn't threatening. His jade eyes aren't even on you.

Stretching over your head he snatches the tin full of dessert before sitting upright and prying open the lid as if he didn't just push you over and leave you lying on the ground.

For a second the idea of leaving everything behind and making a run for it crosses your mind. However, despite visibly being at least twice your weight and pure muscle, he looks fairly harmless when he smiles like that.

“Sho gwood. Wha ish dish shtuff?”

“They're honey cakes…” you reply cautiously as you pull yourself up and rearrange your skirt.

“Oh, I've heard of honey from the birds. The bees make it in some kinna nest, eh?”

Leaving aside whatever he is for the time being — if he's not a dream or hallucination — you tell him plainly, “Uh yeah… The honey we eat doesn't come from wild nests, but that's originally where you'd find it…”

He hums with curiosity, pale green eyes round and holding yours, urging an explanation.

“We make homes for the bees so that we can collect the wax from the hives. Then, we crack it open to get the—”

Frightening you enough to make you jump, he suddenly yelps.

You look around frantically for the source of his panic but discover the cause just as quickly when he turns the empty tin upside down and shakes it violently.

“I ate ‘em all already…?” he murmurs thoroughly dejected.

You'd think he was a six year old boy from his pout.

“I'm sorry. I don't have any more…’’

“Really? I can still smell honey though?” he mumbles looking all around.

Following his gaze to the basket on the corner of the sheet, you begin rummaging through the basket until you find the little pot of honey you packed with the jam.

“Is this what you smell?” you ask and offer the tiny jar to him.

He takes it with a broad grin, his touch far gentler than you expected it would be for the eager look in his eyes. You watch him, just as amused as you were watching the birds clamour for your crust earlier, draw out the miniature honey dipper and stick it in his mouth like a lollipop.

The way his eyes close and his shoulders relax is so charming that you almost forget he has a fish tail until you catch sight of it splashing in the water the way a happy child kicks their feet.

“So… uh… Are you real? I thought… merpeople were just a myth…”

He doesn't answer right away, his mouth full of sweet syrup, and the moment gives you pause to realize what you said is both very rude and quite pointless.

“Ah, What I mean is… why aren't you hiding from me?”

He shrugs, answering as he dips the wooden stick back in the honey, “Why'd I be ‘fraid of a lil' thin' like y'?”

Fumbling through your thoughts you eventually mumble, “I could tell others about you…"

He chuckles heartily and quips, “Y' really think they'll believe y'? They'd probably think y' just spent too much time under the sun or ate some poisonous weeds.”

He's not wrong.

“Why hide at all then?”

“‘Cause we dunna really like humans. They always end up tryin’ to turn us into slaves to do their biddin’. Y're all so obsessed with money.”

Reflecting, you're forced to admit that humans will attempt to make use of anything remotely intelligent for their own benefit, and quickly shake away the thoughts before they turn any darker.

“How do you speak the local language then if you never talk with humans?”

Finishing off the last of the honey he answers easily, “I dunna. Y' just think I do.”

“What?! Wait… Is that what you meant when you said you'd heard of honey from the birds?”

“Yup.”

He passes the empty pot back to you and slips gracefully into the water once more.

“Will y' bring more honey cakes again?” he asks with a yawn.

“If I come without the cakes, will you even talk to me?” you query honestly while thumbing the empty jar.

A cheeky grin is your only answer before he dives beneath the glittering, clear water.

Part two...

[greenyvertekins]

Presenting my first fanfic in 17 years. Just a fluffy little story about Sonic and Tails during the rainy season in the Mystic Ruins. This is the first part. I might continue it.

Please note that no part of this is intended to come-off as romantic in nature. SonTails really isn't my thing. I view them as brothers.

"Remind me to look up the weather forecast before we go shopping" If one stood by the Mystic Ruins train station during this one rainy day, they'd have seen a cerulean Hedgehog and a golden orange Fox with two tails running through the deluge carrying numerous shopping bags. The Hedgehog kept a decent lead but the Fox was not far behind, each of them kicking-up moisture from the drenched ground with every step. Barely a minute had passed when they reached the sole building apart from the station for miles around - A laboratory with two levels. Electricity-generating mechanisms swirled in a small brick pool, providing the only sound other than the pitter-patter of incessant rain. There was a dome covering one half of the building with a small circular platform atop it, an apparatus for holding a telescope being its only feature. The rest of the upper level was taken by a small house with a chimney and a single window. Sonic and Tails stepped through the lower door to the hangar, Sonic immediately dashing off to the bathroom to grab towels for him and his friend. Both were drenched head to foot. "Brrrrrr!" said Sonic as he took each of his quills in his hands and twisted them to wring-out the rainwater they had absorbed. He shook his entire body to rid himself of residual moisture. "That was sort of refreshing in a way" he added, dabbing his body with his towel. "I thought you didn't like water?" Tails asked curiously, mimicking Sonic in shaking himself off. His fur immediately became bushy, his twin tails looking no different to a pair of white-tipped orange feather dusters. Sonic tried not to laugh at the sight. "Rain is....tolerable I guess. But miss me with a lake or swimming pool. Totally not my thing" "Here" Tails said, holding his hand out for the towel, his own tucked under his other arm. "I'll dump these in the laundry basket. Can you go light the fire in the upstairs lounge Sonic?" "Sure thing!" ~ ~ ~

A single strike of the ferrous rod and a blaze of orange and red erupted within the fireplace. Feeling the warmth rush over him, Sonic outstretched his palms to dry his gloves and warm his soaked hands. The heat was soothing and most welcome after the deluge he had been subjected to outside.

"Hey, come over here Tails! The fire feels great!" "Not right now" the Fox child replied from the lab, fishing around in his toolbox now having put away the shopping. "The Tornado seems to have a blocked fuel line" "You're gonna catch your death of cold if you don't dry-off fully 'lil bro!"

The young Fox just shrugged and continued looking in the toolbox. Sonic gave a sigh. "Very well. I'm gonna continue reading my current book. Already reached chapter 12 y'know"

Tails just gave a nod in response, evidently having found the tool he had been looking for.

He sat on the couch and reached for the book on the coffee table titled "RUN ON THE EARTH", turning to the page where a bookmark had been inserted. Reading during the rainy season was one of his favourite pasttimes and was generally preferable to running outside in the pouring rain. Having torrential rain pelt his eyes when moving at superspeed was not a pleasant experience.

Crossing one leg atop the other, he placed the book atop them and traced the text with a finger in order to find the place he had left off on.

~ ~ ~

About an hour and a half had passed. Tails was underneath the Tornado on his wheeled mechanic's creeper, tinkering away. Sonic was fully invested in a chapter about the water Kingdom of Soleanna and was fascinated by its article about the Festival of the Sun, a national ceremony. Though he hadn't visited this place before, viewing the photos of the canals, the castle town and the dancers beneath the fireworks felt oddly reminiscient. It was a bizarre feeling, one he couldn't quite put his finger on.

All of a sudden, Tails sneezed from under the biplane.

“Bless you” said Sonic without looking up from his book, largely consumed by this strange feeling of familiarity.

“Thanks Son…A-tishoo!”

The Hedgehog glanced up from the page he was reading with mild concern to see the young Fox had emerged from beneath the Tornado on his creeper and was sniffling and rubbing his nose with his fist, eyes scrunched tightly.

“You ok little bro?” Sonic enquired, one eye ridge raised. “I hope you're not coming down with a cold”

“Just a tickle” Tails replied, sniffling harshly. If Sonic didn’t know any better, he’d swear he could see the cub’s nose streaming slightly. He got up from the couch and approached him, looking a tad worried.

“Here. Use my handkerchief” he said kindly, putting the book down, getting up from the sofa and walking towards Tails whilst pulling the white fabric from the inside of his glove cuff. He always kept a clean one on him due to his hay fever and had many to spare after the events of a previous adventure. The azure Hedgehog gently wiped his little nose, pressing more tightly when his breath suddenly began to hitch.

“Heh…he…heshoo!”

Sonic grimaced slightly, quickly turning to a sympathetic smile as Tails sniffed, eyes teary. He sounded quite congested.

“I’be sorry Sodic *Sniffle* I don’t doe why I’be suddenly sdeezig like dis”

“No worries” he replied gently. “Just blow your nose. You really sound like you need to“

The little Fox obliged, producing a surprisingly loud honk as Sonic wiped his nose thoroughly.

“There you go” he said as he removed the handkerchief and tossed it onto the wet towels in the laundry basket. He removed one of his gloves and placed a bare palm on his forehead, brushing the trio of bangs to the side as Tails blinked confusedly. Though the surrounding fur was still damp, the Hedgehog could easily feel considerable heat emanating from his brow.

“Hmmm…. you feel a little too warm." Sonic mused, one brow furrowed. "Why, I do think you’re coming down with a cold Mr. Prower” he remarked in a lighthearted imitation of an upper class gentleman, putting his glove back on and guiding Tails to the sofa.

"You need to rest. Lie down here and I'll make some tea" The Hedgehog grabbed both of their empty mugs and took them to the kitchenette.

"I can't get sick right now! I have things that need working on!" Tails exclaimed, sniffling lightly.

"Bud. Your health is your priority. Not your inventions." the Hedgehog replied firmly though not unkindly as he walked from the kitchenette to the cupboard, kneeling and taking a small folded throw blanket from the bottom shelf and a box of tissues from atop the drawer. He wrapped the young Fox in it, leaving only his head out. He placed the tissues on the coffee table beside the globe.

"They'll still be there when you're better" The sick cub gave an annoyed growl under his breath as Sonic walked back to the kitchenette and filled the kettle with water. "I said you'd catch your death of cold if you didn't dry off completely" the Hedgehog muttered darkly as he placed the kettle on the lit stove, attention focused of fixing-up some hot drinks for him and his friend. He placed a tea bag in his own green mug and a thick slice of lemon, half a teaspoon of ground ginger and a tablespoon of honey in Tails' mug. The young Fox pouted, holding his throw blanket tighter to his body. Before he could do anything else, he felt the tickling sensation in his nose and sneezed again. "Gesundheit" remarked Sonic, glancing over to the sofa as Tails plucked a tissue from the box and wiped his nose with it. "*Sniff* Thanks"

Sonic placed the two mugs on the tray and carried it into the lounge. He placed it atop the coffee table and handed Tails his mug. "Here you go. It's lemon, honey and ginger. It'll help with that cold" The Fox took a sniff of the hot drink. Though his nose was very much stuffed-up and he couldn't really smell any of it. Taking a precautionary sip (Since Sonic was certainly not a wiz in the kitchen. As previous experiences had taught him), he could at least detect the spiciness of the ginger on his tongue. He took a gulp and was soothed by the sweet yet spicy hot liquid as it went down and warmed his chest. "Dis is really gudd" "I'm glad you like it" the blue Hedgehog replied with a smile as he took a sip of his own tea, Spagonia's finest blend with a bit of milk and two spoonfuls of sugar. Just the way he liked it.

"That drink always makes me feel better when I'm under the weather" Sonic added, taking another sip of his tea and savouring the flavor.

~ ~ ~ TBC.

[deusexlachina]

Cheeseaged Exocolonist Year 19 2/2: Cement my power by letting people fuck

The finale to my perfect life, in which I reconcile Tangent and Dys, civilization and nature, human and Gardener. And rule over all of it with an iron fist.

CW for discussion of ecofascism. The villains are pretty foul.

My first act as governor is to immediately fire Seeq for attempting to bribe themselves. I install Marzipan in their place. She jokes that she intends to be leader of the opposition, which is funny, because this is a one-party state.

She is actually not joking; the ending confirms that she leads the opposition. I can only assume that her insincere levity is to make herself look nonthreatening; the last politician to oppose me, Lum, was last seen dragged off by soldiers. He is never mentioned again in this visual novel.

On my inauguration, the council advised that I spend individual time with everyone. Naturally, I do this in the form of barista therapy, because Tangent needs it and so does Dys. I warn Dys about the dangers of drugs, which he dismisses, presumably because I am telling him this while giving him drugs. Just because I'm a hypocrite doesn't mean it's not good advice.

In between these sessions, Instance comes in to vent about Tangent facing too much pressure, perhaps because she is queen-consort of the most powerful human on this planet. I tell her not to push Tangent too hard. This reduces Helped Tangent even more. This has no mechanical effect, because Tangent doesn't even have enough time to be a supervillain. But it's still sweet to see Instance realize the error of her ways and stop pushing Tangent too hard. Before she kills all non-terrestrial life on the planet.

Having narrowly achieved 90 Friendship with Vace, he texts me that he's going to go to therapy and apologize to Rex for bullying him for being a furry, redeeming himself a literal month before the end of the game.

At the end of the year, the Gardeners amass a vast army of animals and genetically-engineered monsters, with the intent of wiping out humanity if we cannot reach an accord. A responsible leader would prepare either for war or for negotiation. However, I am drunk on my own power, so I decide to spend the final month of the game reconciling my wife and brother-in-law.

They share that they've missed each other and felt terrible. Tangent recommends an antidepressant implant. Dys refuses, because I have taught him well and he says no to drugs. Then he sips his second cocktail of the night.

Having reconciled a decade-long grudge by plying each party with drugs until they are intoxicated enough to talk about their feelings, I am now in a good headspace to negotiate on behalf of humanity. The negotiations go smoothly until Nocticulent demands that we stop fucking.

I know my people will not stand for this. How will Tammy engage in her favourite pasttime of being pregnant? How will Rex be able to sire a wave of children like a furry Ghengis Khan? As leader, I step forward and renegotiate. This requires a social, mental and physical check, each of which I complete effortlessly because I have a fidget spinner and am stimming constantly, unnerving Nocticulent, who must be unsure if this is some kind of alien sorcery.

Nocticulent is impressed with me, because I have learned a lot "in ten years." I do not correct him that I am trapped in a timeloop, with the combined knowledge of countless lifetimes. He cites my learning as a sign of human potential and thus cause for peace. He does not say whether this decision was informed by my godlike powers or by my wife being a supervillain who can turn his own plagues against him to destroy him at the genetic level. You decide.

Grateful that I have ended the war, and, more importantly, preserved the right to fuck, my people rejoice, and bow to me as I rule this planet for my long life. I have it all: power, women, fulfillment.

And my mom is finally proud of me.