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wendy-arnott · 3 years ago

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My Pregnancy and Birthing Story

Finding out we were having another baby was definitely a shock for us but once we got our head around the idea of another baby and after a traumatic labour and birth with Ava, I was determined this time around would be different and so the research began!

I found comfort in reading, knowledge is power and in this case I came to realise the power was all mine! I borrowed books from my sister in law who helped me through my journey so much, always there offering advice. We also made the decision to see our Chiropractor throughout my pregnancy, she also practices in Kinesioloy (she previously helped get Ava's ezcema under control but thats another journey to tell later). Together we worked in controlling my magnesium levels which my body was deficient in and which I would come to learn actually plays a huge part in controlling blood sugars. We cut dairy out of my diet which was not an easy thing for me to do at all!!

Then came the dreaded Glucose test, iv previously had Gestational Diabetes with both girls so prepared myself to have this again but no!! By maintaining my magnesium levels I managed to avoid GD this time....amazing!!

I can honestly say, this had been the easiest pregnancy of all my pregnancies!

Given my previous history and being classed as high risk, my specialist and GP wanted to induce at 38 weeks like we had done with the girls previously. I went against medical advice and declined this option to the horror of many people! At that stage there was no medical reasons for induction and in all the research I had done i learnt that any form of induction carries its own risks both physically and mentally and Ava's birth certainly backed this up so i wanted this time, which would be my last birthing experience, to be a calming, healing, empowering moment whilst obviously doing this in the safest way possible.

I wasnt naive and knew my birthing plan may need to change as the pregnancy progressed which i was prepared to do and if induction was medically necessary then of course i would agree to it.

Fast forward to the day before Freddies birth. I had been up all Sunday night with Braxton Hicks which wasnt unusual as I had been having these strong for weeks before and thought I'll mention it to my midwife at our weekly CTG the next day. She confirmed I was infact having contractions at 10 minutes apart but as I wasn't in any pain these may fizzle out or progress, it was a waiting game, a game which I was slowly getting over constantly second guessing myself!

As the day went on no change!

Come 10pm that night we were on our way to the hospital. We hardly spoke in the car, nerves were kicking in, not about the labour but at the idea of having another baby and feeling guilty. Poor Ava went to bed that night as normal but when she woke up her whole little world would be changed for good and this was hard for me to accept.

Hooked back up to the monitor, contractions were more regular and I was 3cm dilated. I refused a stretch and sweep to "speed things up" but then Freddies heart rate started to slow down, which wasn't a major cause for concern at this stage but wasnt "normal" for him so we made the decision to break my waters.

We got settled into labour ward and waited for our midwife to arrive.

1am my waters were broke, i was 4cm dilated at this stage, my next check would be 5.30am.

Contractions started coming more regular and more painful pretty much straight away, i couldn't lay down any longer and started to walk, rock my way around the room. I remember poor Darren pacing the floor worrying about us at the same time while trying to "look" calm for my benefit.

My midwife was amazing, not once did she try and make small talk with me (like my notes said) and didn't offer me any pain relief as requested. I knew if she had asked me, in a moment of weakness I may have gave in and i knew I would regret it afterwards.

3am i fell to the floor with the suddeb urge to push. Lauren, my midwife told me to listen to my body and "go with it", it knew exactly what to do and she was right!!

3.33am and Freddie entered the world, on the floor! I remember thinking wow, he's tiny and looks just like Ava....did i seriously just do that, on my own, with no pain relief. Did my birthing plan actually go to plan.....yes, yes it did!

After such a successful birth my placenta had other ideas and didnt want to come out!! After half an hour I agreed to have the injection to birth this as theatre definitely wasn't in my plan! On the last push it finally came out.

Darren left to tell the girls they had a brother as due to covid we wernt allowed any visitors.

10am that day I was at home with my girls and my SON!!

Im so proud of myself and Darren for fully supporting my plans, to have had the exact pregnant and labour i wanted. I still cant believe to this day and get goosbumps thinking about it. Did i really go against medical advice and family worries to give birth spontaneously..YES i did and i wouldn't change a single thing about the events leading up to and during my birthing experience.

My boy is now 11 weeks old and thriving. He knew exactly when he wanted to enter the world and im glad i gave him that and didn't force him before he was ready!

People look at me like im a crazy lady when i tell them my birth was truly amazing and if i could i would do it all again tomorrow!!

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luxexhomines · 6 years ago

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Hello! I was reading through your blog and wanted to ask if you could write for Tsumugi with a female S/O who is the Ultimate Witch? In or out of the V3 universe is fine. Thank you!

Hullo, anon! Thanks for the request!! Although Tsumugi isn’t my favorite character, I so enjoyed writing this. I put it out of the V3 universe, so there are no spoilers for anyone wondering. Wasn’t sure if you wanted the reader be doing “real magic” or magic tricks, so it’s a little vague, haha.Icon credit to 64pxs! Also wow my third request finished in one day although it’s past 1AM & technically a new day here now!

Guess I’d classify this as fluff, too. It’s not that long, so it’s not under the cut. Here you go!

Tsumugi x Female! Ultimate Witch! S/O

You knocked on her door and grasped the doorknob, fully intending to open it and peek in the gap, but your plans were abruptly foiled by her voice.

“Don’t even try,” she cackled. “The door’s locked and I’ve got a chair keeping it closed, you know?”

When you tried to turn it, it was true. It wouldn’t budge an inch.

“Oh, come on, Tsumugi!” You whine right outside the door, making sure she could hear you loud and clear. “I haven’t seen you leave that room for a third day now! I know that you’ve got snacks and a bathroom connected to your room, but that can’t be healthy,” you beg. “Please come out…”

Either she’s ignoring you, or she’s ignoring you. Two perfectly possible options. You could even hear her plaintively humming a random tune, a tune that seemed reminiscent of a folksong–but what did that matter now, when part of her reasons for doing so was to drown out the sound of you?

“Can I at least come in, Tsumugi?” You knock on the door again, but you’re soundly rejected.

“No! You’re not allowed in here for the rest of the week, even if I do come out of the room,” she says firmly.

She was getting strangely obsessive about hiding the contents of her room from you, and you were extremely worried. The only times she ever pulled stunts like this was when she hadn’t finished preparing a cosplay for a con coming up soon, but the problem was that there were no cons coming up soon. As you understood it, she had taken a leave from work to do whatever it was she was doing in that room, and you had no clue what was so important that she’d take a week off of work to do it. She thrived off of that income to make living wage and make cosplays in addition to all her the money from her sponsors.

You could only sigh at the plain white door and walk back to your own room, resigned to your lonely fate for the rest of the week. It was anyone’s guess what she was doing or why she was hiding it from you, including your own, despite being her girlfriend.

You supposed you’d go practice your magic for the upcoming magic show you were holding while Tsumugi did…whatever it was she was doing. There was no time to waste at her doorway, calling her name to a silent answer or pounding on the door in exasperation.

You took a deep breath and gathered your focus for the first act, a rather simple attention-getter with birds flying from your sleeves like colorful ribbons spewing from them. Somehow, it was always the easiest magic that was easiest to mess up, so you ended up practicing the act for at least an hour, worried about the possibility of success in a live performance.

Falling back on the bed, you pant slightly in exertion. Who said magic was as easy as waving a wand? That’s only what magicians wanted other people to believe, after all. If the magician was dropping dead from exhaustion, no one would enjoy the show–no, it was much better for them to believe that the magician possessed unlimited amounts of mana and could continue performing magic for an entire day but just ended it at around an hour for the audience’s scheduling convenience.

But even magicians weren’t immortal. You decided to take a break and walked to the kitchen, grabbing a drink of water to hydrate yourself before returning to practice, throwing a bitter, yearning look toward Tsumugi’s closed door.

It was going to be a long week, just you and your magic.

On the day of the magic show, you hoped Tsumugi would emerge from her cave, maybe make an appearance. But it was fifteen minutes before the show, and she still hadn’t come.

You let out a sigh of disappointment and return to your dressing room as you pick at your ratty, ripped seams of what used to be a smart looking, black long-sleeved tailcoat and matching pencil skirt. You’d had it since your very first show, and you liked it very much, but it was ready to retire and had been for a while now.

In fact, you were surprised Tsumugi hadn’t commented on it–she usually would make note of any clothes you owned that were no longer serving a functional and aesthetic purpose and bring you out to buy new ones. Speaking of Tsumugi, your dressing room just burst open with a long, blue-haired girl in spectacles and carrying what looks like a newly pressed outfit in black.

“Tsumugi! You’re here,” you gasp. “I thought you weren’t coming.”

She rushes over to you, out of breath and frenetic.

“Oh, good, you’re in your dressing room! Take this,” she thrust the plastic protected outfit at you along with a box of what you assumed to be shoes. “Sorry I’m late, it took me so long to finish this. Go change, your show is starting in ten minutes!”

You look at her in confusion, but do as she asks. You’re used to her frantic nature, even if she was rather laidback most of the time. When you finish dressing, she claps her hands together in delight, and swooning.

“Oh, I knew you’d look great in this! I’ve had this idea for forever, I’m so happy I finally get to see you wear it. I can die happy now,” she declares passionately, almost drooling with excitement, her blue eyes glimmering brightly.

You examine the outfit, which includes a pair of white gloves, black heels, a black top hat, and a similar black tailcoat, black dress shirt and pencil skirt, along with a tie of your favorite color wrapped snugly around your neck that curves over your bust gently.

“Tsumugi, you made this for me?”

She nods proudly.

“I think I did a bang-up job of it, too! It’s absolutely perfect for you,” she beams at you, as lovely and warm as the golden sun, and you can only grin like a fool in response.

“You sure did. You sure did,” you repeat, amazed by her accurate, neat needlework and toiling dedication she had offered you in making the outfit.

“Now, go out there and amaze the crowds,” she encourages you, giving you a light push on the back and going out to join the audience below.

The magic show goes splendidly–you don’t know if you’ve ever done a better job, and all kinds of flowers, roses, daffodils, daisies, skyrocket toward your lone figure standing at the center of the black stage, hoping to be caught by you. You wave at the audience happily and skip on and off the stage to the standing ovation before exiting for good.

Luckily for you, Tsumugi is waiting at your dressing room, so there’s no need for you to push through the masses to find her, and you immediately envelop her in a hug, tackling her, and her breath leaves her with the impact you’ve come at her with. She wraps her arms around your back, and you can feel her pride for you simply seeping out like radioactive waves.

You don’t let go of her for a long, long time, and when you finally let go of her, you smile at her in a daze. You can’t believe your girlfriend is this gorgeous, kind, devoted, thoughtful girl standing in front of her.

“I think I’m in love with you, Tsumugi,” you say, staring straight into her eyes, endless pools of blue.

She smiles back, pushing her spectacles up slightly.

“A good thing, too, because I think I’m in love with you, too. That is, if you couldn’t tell after I spent over a week cooped up in my room to make this ensemble for you,” she replies, gesturing at your outfit.

You pat her on the head.

“Yes, yes, I know, good girl. But I was so lonely,” you pout. “Did you have to leave me alone like that for such a long time? I could have died of loneliness!”

She simply laughs full-heartedly.

“I suppose we’d be in trouble if you were a rabbit, huh? But there’ll be no more loneliness on my watch. That sounds rather presumptuous of me to say, but you can trust me on that,” she smiles charmingly as she puts a hand on her hip.

You laugh back at her, sharing in her joy and playfulness.

“You’d better live longer than I do, in that case,” you tease.

Tsumugi bends toward you and places a small kiss on the tip of your nose.

“Your wish is my command, royal magician of the court,” she chuckles.

You smirk and slip a hand around the small of her back, pulling her in closer so that both of your bodies are pressed against each other, and kiss her on the lips deeply.

“Then, my first command is that thou shalt stay at my side for the rest of our mortal lifespans.”

You can feel the corners of her lips stretch out and upward at this, and you take that to be her response as you draw her in for many more sweet kisses.

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chaos-and-cookies · 6 years ago

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I can't sleep so i guess i gotta get this off my chest or else I'm just going to continue to be seething in it.

So if u don't know by now atm im in Trinidad and so far, much like last time i was here when i was a chid, the experience has been shit for me because my family members seem to collectively hold 5 whole brain cells and need to take turns using them. I'll just do this by a night/day scale to tell how my personal experience has been.

Night 1) finally arrive after 15 fucking hours of traveling. Flight 1 from ny to miami was shit and on a plane that was not made with humans in mind and flight 2 kept having the fucking gates changed then had 2 delays, 1 delay being an hour and a half long WHILE WE WERE ON THE FUCKING PLANE. When we got there at 1am (we left our house in NY at 10:30am so this is 1am the next day) we were told no one had food/no one cooked, so we had airport KFC for what was basically our first meal of the entire fucking day and ngl it wasnt bad because it wasnt american so it wasn't covered in 10 gallons of grease and is actually halal?? Once my uncle drove us to his house everyone was getting ready to leave for Jouvert(?) Some kinda night festival the sunday night/monday morning before carnival that goes from 2am to like 10am but i said fuck that idec I'm exhausted im going to sleep. My mom basically said the same thing and we showered and attempted to sleep but the music the neighbors were blasting and upset animals were so loud we literally couldn't even try to sleep either. It wasn't til things finally calmed down around like fuckin 8/9am that i was able to sleep.

Day 1) after sleeping for only a few hours because my mom claimed there was things to do or we could go shopping or something i got up around 2/3 i think, and waited for my cousin Celine (the one closest to age as me) to come to my uncle's house to do something. My mom wanted me to eat and there wasnt much in the house and we both wanted trini food but my uncle kept claiming that its carnival Monday so everything is closed so heres day 2 of eating fast food, KFC again. Me, my cousin, and my uncle go grab kfc again and then a few hours later they say lets go out to see the bands/parades. They choose port of spain so we drive to the city to go. My uncles up front and 5 grown women clusterfucked in the back seats. I already feel like shit from exhaustion, but i have a bad back, bad hips, and bad shoulders, so this was extra shitty for me. The entire way there its terrible traffic and my uncle drives slow. And when we finally get there there's nothing going on, just ppl everywhere and garbage covering the streets (i never wanna hear ppl say NY is filthy ever again tbh) and since nothing was happening, after a whole 5min (not even exaggerating. 5min.) Of walking up and down a single block they go 'ok' and get back into the cramped ass truck and go back home. No "oh well let's see if there's something else", no "well we can still walk around and see the city a little bit", not even a fucking "well we might as well at least get some food while we're here", they literally just walk back to the car and say nothing's here and go back home on the slow traffic filled drive while we're cramped to high hell. I'm exhausted, my body hurts and that shit car ride made it worse, I'm starting to lose my mind a little bit because my aunts were fucking humming while we were cramped back there like everythings fuckin honkey dorey, as soon as we got back home i immediately changed and went to bed cuz i couldn't take any more b.s for that day. I could have spent it resting for carnival but no i had to spend my night in that fuckery. I don't think they understand that doing that to me is like if i took them to manhattan in a cramped car, after a parade passed, looked at the trash filled streets, walked up and down one single block for 5min and went "whelp we missed it nothing to see here" and drove them all back home while they sat in those cramped seats for another 40+min.

Night 2) my mom said everyone was going upstairs while i went to bed so i tried to sleep. Slightly successful until everyone got drunk and took their loud asses down stairs thus waking me up. My mom came into bed (we share a bed cuz other family is also staying at my uncle's house) and she did nothing but toss and turn all night, and even when i thought she finally stopped and i was about to doze off she would jolt awake and go "whats that noise" for some shit that was probably happening down the goddamn street. Another sleepless night! 2 in a row! Did not get any rest for carnival what a fuckin start to this vacation!!!

Day 2) we drive out to the city at around 11am to go see the parade. What we watched was something so strange and disappointing idek what tf it was or why ppl do it. We went to a stadium to watch an entire parade slowly....go thru a small stage and then leave. They didn't even have like special performances or anything it was literally what you'd expect from a parade, but not being able to go down and enjoy it up close like how you're supposed to. And no one explained this to me! I still don't know why we did it everyone just acted like "yup this is carnival aint this fun?" And i am STILL baffled. We were sitting on hard concrete stadium bleachers, shit headed people were still bumping into me and dropping shit on me, the bass was so fucking loud you couldn't even hear the music, all you heard was the thud of the bass and a guy screaming on the mic. I've been to EDC twice and got up close and personal with those stages and never have i experienced a sound system so shitty that 1) you cant even hear the music and 2) it makes you feel physically ill until now. My family kept trying to talk to me but i had no fucking idea what they were saying, it especially doesn't help that i was having hearing problems days before this trip. I was legitimately disappointed and annoyed at this whole experience, having to watch the parade from stadium seats with shitty sound, and we watched it for a good 3hrs. At certain points i tried to sit by myself to collect myself and not be near the shit heads conatantly bumping into me or spilling shit near me or dropping things on me but my family cant accept that and kept bringing me into the crowd with them. And then fucking again for the 3rd time on this damn trip, after we watched...whatever tf that was, we had american fast food to eat. Burger king and popeyes. Ffs.

Night 3) i was laying down with a heating pad cuz i wasnt feeling well (like always). My mom said they were going to Biche to see carnival there and i said they could go ahead I'm not feeling well, she leaves to talk to my family. My mom comes in again and says i should come cuz I'll see my cousins and grandpa, i think i give her a maybe as a response. She comes in a 3rd time with my american uncle and he says we're in trinidad, already came all this way, might as well go. At that point i was already putting medicine on my legs cuz i already agreed. We drive down to biche on this awful tiny rainforest road that I've hated since i was a child and my other uncle (the one who we're staying at) is either a dumbass or was purposely teasing me, asking if i wanna look or if he should stop. The road is shit and dangerous and just fucking sucks all around and it's the bumpiest fucking thing ever and bumpy roads/shit driving always makes my pain worse so I'm feeling shittier and shittier before we even get there. When we finally do it looks like how i always imagined carnival would but i didn't even rly get to enjoy it because again, i fucking feel like shit. And for some reason, trinidadians must not know how a sound system works because all they do is turn up the bass all the way and call it a fuckin day. I was getting one of those headaches where it just feels like pressure in ur face from how exhausted i am but i didn't complain. I never complained. I just stood there quietly and watched as everyone partied and enjoyed themselves. Eventually tho the bass became too much again, and with the pressure in my face it just started making my eyes water which became a domino effect with how i was already feeling and i just straight ended up crying and unable to rly talk. That's when everyone started asking whats wrong, i guess, again i couldn't fucking hear over the bass. Luckily it was towards the end of the ceremony and my mom and uncle took me home to get rest. But at this point I'm ofc being called selfish among other things by my mom and "i need to speak up". Speaking to her is literally a dammed if u do damned if u dont situation so i always choose don't and just let myself fall off into a corner until one of 2 things happens, i break down or ppl get selfish and think me simply being there with them isnt enough i need to actively act like im enjoying myself regardless if i am or not.

Day 3) i finally got some fucking rest. Finally got some sleep. Didn't need to go anywhere, all i went was to go get some chinese food for dinner with my cousin, aunt, and mom. (Yes there are chinese ppl in the Caribbean. Yes the have an accent. No it isnt weird.) I posted a few things from yesterday on my instagram/fb. One post being a couple of videos from the first festival where i was confused on what the everloving fuck it was and i put what was essentially a read more rant on it because no one ever clicks readmore on instagram videos. Well aparently some nosy shitheaded family member read it and made a huge drama about it amomgst my family, my mom calling my dad upset about it, and me getting shit when I'm honestly the last one who should be getting shit over how me and her have been treated this entire trip in all honesty. My dad kept saying i need to try and enjoy myself but thats hard to do when ur family is just so goddamn ignorant and literally wants nothing more to do than to start a bunch of bullshit drama rather than confronting someone who's simply upset about how they've been treated thus far during this trip. My mom on the other hand called me a "fucking liar" when i was explaining what i posted and she said "everyone was asking you what was wrong if u wanted water etc etc) and i said i couldn't even hear anything over the fucking bass. She said that i give a nasty look to people and they don't like it. Well fuckin sorry they don't like my resting face and i refuse to smile thru my literal pain!!! It's not my job to comfort people by smiling!!! Women shouldn't have to do that bs just because their resting face isn't inviting!!! Fuck that!!!! She ended up talking to her dad (my grandpa) at the same time as her and my dad were reprimanding me over my rant post and got even more upset cuz my grandpa is a shithead and aparently got so dramatic she started looking for flights back home but they were $3k. Uhhhh excuse me? This whole fucking trip was for you not for me. I never said i wanted to come back here after what i experienced as a kid. I came here because you wanted to see ur family/dad and also havent been here for carnival since before i was born so outta the kindness out of my heart i agreed to go with you but honestly fuck ever doing this again, i literally can't be nice to her without her calling ME selfish and shitting on my entire life for no fucking reason. Her 2 faced family starts bullshit because they're too no-balls to ask me about it face to face thats on THEM not ME. I took down the rant (and its down below if u actually got down this far in this whole rant and are just THAT curious) but i said what i said and i ain't folding on that shit at all. And they always do this to us. Whenever they come to us in NY we go all out in showing them everything but when we come to them? They can't fucking be bothered by showing us something nice and honestly they can go fuck themselves.

I know mercury is is retrograde rn. And for a while i didn't believe in its impacts. But seeing all the shit that's been happening this week i think it's safe to say i can blame at least some of this mess on the universe's alignment atm because honestly.....what the fuck man....

Also if you made it all this way, 1) wtf why what is wrong with u and 2) congrats. U get to read the rant i had on my instagram post if ur that curious:

Idk if words can describe how pissed/annoyed i was when i was told this was carnival when all it was was a shrunken down parade that slowly passed thru a stage inside a stadium and you had to watch from the bleachers. And the sound was so bad you couldn't hear anything past the deafening bass and people screaming on mic, I'm surprised you can actually hear music in these vids tbh. Like I've been to music festivals and parades so I'm fine in these conditions but the bass was literally so bad i actually felt sick from it here.

I always imagined carnival like how music festivals are, with people and performers runing around and dancing together in one big party so seeing this was beyond disappointing. The night festival made up for it i guess but at that point i was so beyond spent i couldn't even enjoy it. 🙁

and ofc it all comes back on me being called selfish because i had a breakdown towards the end of the night even tho all I've done is say yes and go wherever people wanted me even if i said i didn't want to go with because i knew how beyond exhausted i was from the start. I should have been resting the day before so i could have enjoyed yesterday but no, after only getting a couple hours of sleep and barely eating that day, that night i was forced into a truck being squeezed in by the 4 other adults in the back seat of a truck to slowly drive around for an hour only to stop and walk around literal trash filled streets for a whole 5 minutes just to go back into the overly cramped truck and go back home. I already felt like crap and have a bad back and hips and that just made things worse but no I'm just being overly sensitive and boujee. I tried to sleep but my family just got drunk and made a ton of noise all night and by the time my mom went to bed it was late, and she does nothing but toss and turn all night so again i went another day w.o any real sleep. So i spent my first carnival 2 days sleep deprived, in pain, and thoroughly exhausted. I kept to myself and stayed quiet thru everything but that's never enough, but in all honesty it should be. I don't need to show that I'm having a good time, especially if I'm not.

#personal

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sassassanddaisies · 6 years ago

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The #FireWifeLife... Or Just Life.

Disclaimer: Not a wife, yet 😉

Let me start by saying that that hashtag carries a certain stigma with it that makes me puke in my mouth a bit. It makes me think of those wives who mainly pretend to have it all together and glorify their spouses job. And at least around here, the trend is the more ya talk about it, the worse you probably are at it. Just the way that cookie crumbles. I make no effort to hide this shit show. If I did, well, I wouldn’t have anything to write about. So, as a collective whole can we agree that this life is anything but glorious and we’re probably all just looking at the clock and doing the mental math and counting down the hours until we’re reunited again? Because that. Is. Me. Let me tell ya, 24 hours has never felt longer and don’t get me started on 36. Some days we’re just ships passing in the night and miss each other by a few minutes. At the same time, I also really appreciate having the bed to just me and my dogs. It’s called balance, right?

Our story: Tom and I met while I was working at the local harness racing track for a trainer. He was on standby on the medic, and I had an little run in with a 1200lb animal, and the rest is history.

At that point in my life, (which was only three months ago,) I really wasnt looking for anything at all. I was happy being single. I didn’t have time for men. Dating was rough for me. Every guy that took me out was just missing SOMETHING. Wasn’t talkative enough, too talkative, too touchy feely, or, my favorite, would just flat out undermine me. I was working three jobs and was just tired of wasting my time and had honestly taken a solid break from men. It was the holidays and I was ready to spend time with my family and enjoy a much needed break from pharma and spend time with my four legged boys.

And so my first day of winter break, I let Tom take me for a drink. A drink turned into dinner (because I am never going to say no to a beer and nachos.) Dinner turned to coming home at 1am. A car ride filled with whiskey induced singing to Bowling for Soup and Frank Turner is really what won me over. Because let me tell ya, I was skeptical that he was too good to be true because the connection we have has been there since the very beginning. He claims he fell in love with me that night. What an idiot.

Whenever his job gets brought up in conversation, people are constantly taken aback and the average response is “omg that’s so dangerous, how don’t you stress or worry all the time?!”

I don’t let the stress of his job burden me. I don’t make a conscious effort to really worry about him or his safety. He’s a trained professional. Sure, the “what if’s” creep into my head sometimes, but I’m sure he feels the same way while I’m on top of a 1200lb animal and I’m alone. But we’ve both been doing it for so long it’s second nature.

Then the second go to is “you poor thing, you must spend so much time alone!” Let me tell y’all, 90% of the time, I LOVE my alone time. I work alone and I also live alone besides my dogs. I love my ability to be independent. I live a life completely separate from his. I work my own jobs, on my own time. Sure we absolutely enjoy our time together and get as much as that together as we can, but if I didn’t have my own life outside of our relationship, I’d just be waiting for him to come home. Independence is key to making this relationship work. As I mentioned last week, I don’t have much time for anything other than work right now anyway. The balance in my life is so delicate, when it gets off by even a bit, it tends to throw the rest of my week off.

The “secret” to our relationship success from the beginning has always been open communication. About anything. Any time. 3am even. We talk about our work days. Our stresses and anxieties. Tom has a a lot of his plate- full time at the department, part time as a private paramedic, graduate school, air national guard, being a dad, and of course me. We’re never shy about how we feel. And that’s why this works. And we’re always there when the other needs us to be.

That’s not what’s going to make me a good FireWife. That’s what’s going to make me a good wife in general. I am so excited to see where he takes me. And I know that even short term, I may not get to be a legit FireWife. Tom finishes his MBA program in July and from there, who knows where we’ll end up. But for now, I’m endlessly proud and he deserves all the recognition and then some.

#firewife #firewifelife #drugrep #drugs #wife #wifelife #firefighter

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medicatemedrmccoy · 7 years ago

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All Along

I was listening to the radio yesterday and was struck with inspiration for fic.

I shared this fic idea with @imoutofmyvulcanmind and she wrote a sister fic that goes along with this fic and features Jim. All About Loving You, found here. It’s beautiful.

So here we go! Lyrics are in italics, sprinkled throughout the story. It might not be the most perfectly matched song, but its what came to mind for it.

Leonard x Female Reader(there really wasnt much getting around this one this time)

3,771 word(s) of pretty much just fluff(kinda got away from me a little)

No warnings - but it is a little different as most of this is from Leonard’s POV. Hopefully it’s okay and you guys like it.

Leonard stood at the small living room window, staring out into the backyard where you lay gazing up at the stars, with two glasses of tea in his hands. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t hear his mother come up behind him.

“I know that look. What’s on your mind, Leonard?” Elenora asked as she was drying her hands with a small dish towel, coming to stand by her son to see what had captured his attention so completely. Leonard glanced at his mother, her eyes curious and concerned with the way he’s been acting tonight. Leonard almost didn’t want to say, but in the end he decided to spill, hoping to get a second opinion.

“Mom, do you ever take a step back and realize that something has been staring you in the face the whole time and you were too blind to see?” Leonard began cryptically as he walked away from the window and sat down on the edge of the couch. Elenora went to follow, but not before catching a glimpse at what Leonard had been staring at before, a knowing smile crept up on her lips.

I've been a walking heartache, I've made a mess of me

Flashback:

A young girl sitting on the side of the dusty gravel road, clutching her knee tightly and sniffling. Her bike laying haphazardly in the road, next to the big rock she had tumbled over.

“Hey, are you okay?” A small boy called out as he noticed the small girl wipe away a tear and look up at him. The girl whimpered softly and shook her head as he watched her clutch her knee tightly. The boy frowned as he made his way over to her quickly and laid down his bike.

The person that I've been lately, ain't who I wanna be

“Here, let me see it.” The boy asked with his hands on his knees. The girl moved her hands away from her knee and the boy made a small grimace, it looked pretty bad but he wouldn’t admit it out loud to her, instead he jumped up to his feet and made his way to his bike. “You wait here, I’ll be right back, okay? I promise.”

The girl nodded her head with another small sniff and the boy hopped on his bike and peddled as fast as he could through the field and back to his house. He jumped off his bike and dashed inside, running quickly to the bathroom. Thankfully his parents were both out back so there wouldn’t be any questions of injuries.

The boy quickly climbed on the sink to reach the top shelf and grabbed a small bottle of ointment and a few bandaids and quickly made his way back to his bike and sped off the way he had come. The girl was thankfully just where he left her as he hopped off his bike once more, red faced, and almost out of breath at this point.

“I brought you some stuff my mom always uses for me. It burns like the dickens at first but it’ll help, I promise.” The boy said as he pulled out the small bottle of ointment and a couple bandaids.

“Want some help?” The boy added in as the girl made no movement to grab the ointment. The girl nodded slightly as the boy slowly and carefully moved her knee and pulled her ripped jeans away from the scrape.

But you stay here right beside me and watch as the storm blows through and I need you

“This is going to burn okay? But it’ll go away soon. I promise” The boy reminded the girl as he got the ointment ready to put on her knee. She nodded in reply and closed her eyes tight, waiting for the burn. The boy wasn’t lying and it burned like crazy. The girl bit her lip and shut her eyes tighter as she took in a small gasp from the sting, but the boy was right, it soon went away and when she opened her eyes she had a fresh band-aid on her knee.

“Feels better doesn’t it?” The boy asked, standing back up and offering his hand. The girl nodded with a small grin and took his hand as he helped her to her feet.

“I’m Leonard by the way, what’s your name?” Leonard asked when the girl was firmly on her feet, testing out her knee.

“I’m Y/N. Thank you for helping me.” The girl replied as she wiped the remaining tears from her eyes, her smile growing wider and in turn making Leonard sprout a big smile of his own.

:End Flashback

'Cause god gave me you for the ups and downs, god gave me you for the days of doubt

“Ahh yes, I remember that day like it was yesterday. The two of you took to each other like ducks to water after that day. Hardly a day went by that the two of you weren’t off causing trouble.” Elenora remembered fondly as she sat down next to Leonard, patting his knee softly.

“Yeah, we were inseparable.” Leonard smiled at the memories of the two of you out in the field on summer days, the snowball fights in the winter, playing in the leaves in fall, and chasing rabbits in the spring.

“But it’s also got me so confused mom. I don’t even know where to start, or if she even feels the same way? And I’m as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.” Leonard continued, making Elenora pause for a moment and pursed her lips slightly before lifting her head to look at her son, meeting his eyes.

And for when I think I lost my way, there are no words here left to say, it's true, god gave me you

“Son, I don’t claim to be an expert, but this is what I know. You’ve come a long way since you were just a boy and copying your father in his clinic all those years ago. You’ve made some mistakes along the way sure, but you’ve always learned from them and made the best of it and kept going. You’ve been through some extremely tough situations and known more heartache than anyone ever should. Even despite that, you have a wonderful outlook and a heart of gold and a forgiving nature and I couldn’t ask for a better son. Whatever you do, all I know is that you deserve to be happy. You’ve suffered enough Leonard. Y/N has been with you through everything and if this is going to make you happy, then you should seize it with both hands and never let it go.” Elenora finished with a fine sheen glistening in her eyes. Leonard looked back at his mother fondly and lovingly, a sheen of his own almost apparent in his eyes as well before he blinked them back quickly.

“You’re right mom. Here goes nothing.” Leonard said, his mind made up as he got up from the couch slowly and made his way to the door, pausing at the screen door, gazing out across the lawn to you once more, his mind slipping back once again to all those years ago.

There's more here than what we're seeing, a divine conspiracy

Flashback:

“Hello? A tired voice mumbled groggily into the phone. Leonard cringed inwardly, he hated to be a bother, especially with how late he knew you had been working lately.

“Hey Y/N, I’m sorry, did I wake you?” Leonard’s voice was unusually quiet and hollow on the other end of the line. He just couldn’t muster the energy to try and make himself sound anything but empty.

“Its…” There was a pause for a moment and Leonard guessed she was looking at the time. “1am Leonard, of course you woke me up, but what’s going on, are you okay?” Her voice suddenly going from slightly annoyed to concerned, it wasn’t like Leonard to call this late at night.

That you an angel lovely, could somehow fall for me

“Yeah I’m okay, but no I’m not alright. I mean, I don’t know.” Leonard sighed into the phone, before taking a deep breath on the other end. He hated burdening her with this. She had already been a tremendous help with everything else these past couple months, but there was no one else he felt he could turn to right now.

“Its alright Len, you can tell me.” She encouraged softly, otherwise staying quiet until Leonard decided if he really wanted to talk about it or not.

“I think… I think Joce and I are finally done.” Leonard confessed quietly after several seconds, so quiet she almost didn’t hear it. Leonard wasn’t sure what else to do.

“Oh god Leonard, are you sure this time? I mean…” She trailed off quietly. She knew Leonard and Jocelyn had been having problems, and there was talk of divorce but she had always thought that they would work through it and had been nothing but encouraging.

“Yeah, I think it’s for good this time.” Leonard breathed out, as if the words had actual weight attached to them. The stress in his voice just oozing through the phone, it was the first time he had admitted it outloud since him and Joce had finally agreed a couple days ago.

“Oh, Len, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. If there’s anything at all I can do to help, you know I’ll do it.” Leonard could hear the sincerity behind her words and he breathed out a small sigh of relief, already feeling somewhat better, just by hearing her voice and knowing she was there for him.

You'll always be love's great martyr, and I'll be the flattered fool, and I need you

“That’s kind of why I called Y/N.” Leonard sighed softly into the phone. “I can’t… I can’t stay here anymore. Would it be okay if I maybe came and stayed at your place for a couple days? Just until I can think things through?” Leonard asked hopefully, he hated to ask but he couldn’t stand to be under the same roof as Jocelyn any longer.

“Of course you can, Len. You know I’ve only got that old lumpy couch but you’re welcome to it as long as you need it. Are you coming tonight? I’ll fix it up for you.” She said quickly and Leonard could hear the rustling of sheets in the background, waiting on Leonard’s reply before she fully got out of bed.

“If it’s not too much trouble?” Leonard asked hesitantly. “I can’t be here right now.”

“Sure. Come over and I’ll have it ready for you, okay? No worries.” She replied as she got up out of bed and Leonard could hear her closet opening where he knew she kept a few extra blankets.

God gave me you for the ups and downs, god gave me you for the days of doubt

“Thank you, Y/N, thank you so much. You’re amazing.” Leonard said softly into the phone. “I’ll be there soon.” Leonard finished quietly before hanging up the phone. Leonard breathed out a heavy sigh as he sat his phone back down on the island. If he had nothing left after this divorce was over, at the very least he would still have Y/N by his side, and that thought comforted him.

:End Flashback

Leonard took a deep breath, shaking his head of the memory as he fumbled with the door and the glasses of tea in his hands until Elenora finally came and opened the door for him.

“Thanks mom.” Leonard replied with a sheepish grin. Elenora returned his grin with a wink, and shooed him quietly out of the door. Leonard’s grin turned into a smile with a small eyeroll, he mouthed “wish me luck” to his mom as he walked slowly out the door.

Leonard slowly and quietly walked to the end of the porch, watching you as you put your arms behind your head, pointing and drawing out the star constellations with your fingers. Leonard couldn’t help but grin at the sight, even if his heart was beating faster and his stomach was in knots. Leonard began walking down the steps as his mind wandered once more as he made his way to where you lay.

And for when I think I lost my way, there are no words here left to say, it's true, god gave me you

Flashback:

“Good lord, I didn’t think there would be so much work involved!” She groaned loudly into her pillow as she looked around the floor at all her books scattered around and all her note tabs on her PADD.

“No one forced you to follow me, Y/N.” Leonard said with a smirk as he watched her from his small bed, his own PADD in his hands, going over his notes and homework, laughing to himself. Secretly he was grateful that you decided to follow after him. It made the transition easier and it calmed his nerves and eased his mind knowing you were beside him still, backing him up.

“What? You really thought I was going to let you come alone and have all the fun and adventures? I think not, Leonard! Who else is going to take care of your grumpy ass?” She said, trying to sound offended, but Leonard knew better and gave her a small snort in reply. He’d never admit that she was right, and he probably would have never made it this far without her.

“Then you better get to work, Y/N. That paper isn’t going to write itself.” Jim teased from his small bed on the other side of the room, prying himself away from his own studies to take a jab at her.

On my own I'm only half of what I could be, I can't do without you

“Oh now it’s two against one? I thought you were on my side, Kirk? Who asked you anyway?” She replied with a huff, tossing her pillow at Jim’s head, hitting him square in the face. Leonard always thought that she had a good arm, and she could prove it, he remembered those snowballs to his own face none too fondly. Jim just stared at her pillow in shock. Leonard then rolled his eyes and continued his homework.

She didn’t expect to actually hit him. Her hand quickly went to her mouth as she tried to hold in her laugh, but failed miserably, she cracked up at the incredulous look on Jim’s face. Leonard had to admit to himself that it was pretty funny, and hid his smirk behind his PADD.

“Oh you think that’s funny do you? This means war!” Jim declared, returning fire with his own pillows, but missing and almost knocking over her drink on the table.

“Alright you infants, that’s enough before you break everything in the room.” Leonard glared over his PADD at the two of them, they froze in mid throw as he spoke. The two of them exchanged knowing glances and both quickly turned to look at Leonard, with mischievous grins on both their faces.

We are stitched together and what love has tethered, I pray we never undo

“Oh no, don’t you dare! I will hypo the two of you into next week if you so even…” Leonard warned but he didn’t get very far before the pillows were flying in his direction, he barely had time to block the shots, returning fire in kind. Laughter and squeals filled the room as the three of you battled it out, letting off some much needed steam.

:End Flashback

“Did you get lost?” You teased as you heard Leonard’s footsteps getting closer, leaning your head over in his direction, snapping Leonard out of his thoughts.

“You know how mom is, always needs help with something. In this case, the dishes.” Leonard lied smoothly, covering up his and his moms earlier conversation, he had hoped anyway. He was grateful that it was dark outside, so it hid the fact that he was beginning to sweat.

“You should have hollered, I would have came and helped.” You said as you sat up, taking the tea from Leonard’s outstretched hand, taking a long sip. Leonard’s mom really knew how to make a mean glass of iced tea.

“Nonsense, I didn’t ask you to come with me to visit so you can do dishes.” Leonard laughed slightly out of amusement and slightly to try and hide his nervousness as he sat down close to you in the grass.

“Thanks for the invite by the way. It was nice seeing your mom and dad again, it’s been way too long.” You said, glancing over at Leonard, sitting your tea in your lap. You regarded Leonard closely, it hadn’t escaped you that he had been acting odd tonight.

'Cause god gave me you for the ups and downs, god gave me you for the days of doubt

“No worries, Y/N. My mom loves having you over, sometimes I even think she likes you more than me.” Leonard said with a louder laugh, causing you to laugh as well. Leonard loved to hear you laugh, it was like music to his ears, and always made his heart light as a smile spread across his face for a brief moment.

“Y/N…” Leonard cleared his throat. Might as well jump right in, right? “I have a small confession. I didn’t bring you out here just for a visit.” Leonard continued, not quite looking you in the eye, choosing to half look at the stars.

“Oh?” You said curiously, waiting on him to continue as you quirked an eyebrow in reply, something you had perfected from hanging out with Leonard so much.

“Yeah, I uh, I don’t really know how to say this and you can tell me to shut up anytime and we’ll forget I even said anything, okay?” Leonard rubbed his face nervously before finally looking you in the eyes. There wasn’t any backing out now, it was now or never.

God gave me you for the ups and downs, god gave me you for the days of doubt

“Y/N, we’ve known each other almost our whole lives. Were the best of friends, just don’t tell Jim that okay? We know everything there is to know about each other. We’ve been there through each others high points, and our low points. You’ve always been by my side and never left me and have always been in my corner. And I’ve been an idiot, a real idiot for not being able to see what was right in front of me all along.” Leonard rubbed the back of his neck with his hand nervously. His mouth was so very dry, despite all the tea hes drunk and his hands were so sweaty.

“Leonard, are you asking me if I’ll go out with you?” You said as a smirk began to form on your lips as you gathered where Leonard was going with this, there was no other explanation for his nervousness or his words.

“Well, I mean, yeah? I guess I am. It’s not weird is it? It’s just, after Nero’s attack, and us almost not making it back and the thought of losing you or never seeing you again, I guess it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I care about you Y/N, and up until now, I didn’t realize just how much. I care about you more than a friend and I mean, I get it if you don’t feel the same way, we’ve been friends for so long and…” Leonard rambled on before you brought your fingers to his lips, shushing him.

“Can you stop talking for 3 seconds and let me get a word in edgewise?” You teased, laughing at the look on Leonard’s face. You had never seen him so nervous. Someone who was always calm under pressure, even when someone was bleeding out underneath him, Leonard never lost his cool this badly. You knew he had to be a nervous wreck and had been thinking about this for a while.

And for when I think I lost my way, there are no words here left to say,

“The truth is, I’ve been thinking about this a lot too. I just didn’t know how to bring it up and you just so happened to beat me to it.” You answered with a smile. The look on Leonard’s face was priceless as it lit up slightly with hope.

“You have?” Leonard asked in almost disbelief, his eyes going slightly wide. He never imagined that this would be your reply. He envisioned every possible scenario of you running away, screaming for the hills, or even worse, that this might even ruin your friendship with his confession.

“I think a part of me has always liked you Leonard but the timing had never been right, or one of us had been in another relationship or school or whatever, but now? We’re finally where we both want to be and have nothing to get in the way of us making the future that we want. And I think I like the thought of a future with you and me.” You answered Leonard with a smile, all the fond memories you had of the two of you flashing through your head as you thought back to all the good times the two of you shared.

Leonard couldn’t believe his ears and almost asked you to repeat yourself, but didn’t dare, in case you decided you change your answer, and only put on a huge grin from ear to ear.

“Y/N, you’ve made me the happiest man alive. Where do we go from here?” Leonard asked, the two of you were such great friends, and already knew practically everything there was to know about each other that the typical first date seemed kind of out of place.

“Well, we could start here?” You suggested as you leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Leonard’s lips. Leonard jumped slightly at your touch before melting into your kiss. It wasn’t weird like he thought it might be, it felt right, it felt like home. Warmness crept through him as his heart skipped a beat, and he knew he made the right decision.

You felt equally as happy as you pulled away slightly from the kiss, a smile plastered on your face as you saw the excited gleam in Leonard’s eye.

“I like the way you think, darlin’.” Leonard laughed as he gave you a quick peck and stood up slowly, holding out his hand. You took Leonard’s hand as he helped you off the grass.

“I’m Leonard by the way, what’s your name?” Leonard asked playfully with a big smile on his face as he brought you carefully to your feet.

“I’m Y/N. Thank you for helping me.” You replied with a laugh, poking Leonard in the ribs, causing him to join you, both your laughter mixing and dancing in the warm summer air. You hardly believed that he remembered that day so very long ago. Leonard kept a hold on your hand as he brought you in close to his chest and wrapped his other arm around your waist and began to rock the two of you slowly in small circles.

“You really are beautiful Y/N, you know that?” Leonard said softly as he looked down at you with awe, eyes dancing around your features, as if it was something that had escaped him all these years. He planned to make up for all those lost years, and then some.

“You old romantic, but I think that’s going to take some time to get used to hearing from you.” You giggled softly, burying your head in Leonard’s chest, hardly believing what was happening, it all felt like a dream come true. Everything falling into place. Being with Leonard was as easy as breathing.

“You know me best sweetheart and we have all the time in the world to get used to it.” Leonard replied as he dipped you quickly and bringing you back up to meet his lips. Leonard couldn’t believe you had returned his feelings as his mind wandered to all the possibilities that lie in front of you both. He finally felt happy and hopeful for his future.

“That I do.” You agreed, kissing Leonard back slowly before resting your head on his shoulder as the two of you continued to dance around under the stars, not needing to speak as the two of you enjoyed being together. There was plenty of time to figure out everything later, tonight it was just the two souls that had been destined to be together after all this time, finally becoming one.

It's true, god gave me you, he gave me you

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i-have-a-wonky-eye-too · 7 years ago

Text

What we’ve always wanted!

wildefire said:If you’re still doing requests I’d like to know if you could do a stucky x reader skit? Where the reader and has a sort of jealous animosity towards the bous, and the rest of the team gets tired of it so they get locked in the gym together?

I hope this is okay. Sorry it’s taken me a while, I kinda struggled with it strangely.

Y/N: Where are you?x

Steve: out with Bucky, why?x

Y/N: Oh... we were meeting for lunch, remember?x

Steve: yes?

- Sorry doll. I completely forgot.

- Bucky says you’re welcome to join us. Will you? Please?x

Y/N: I’m okay, thanks. It was only for a catch up x

I sighed as I walked into the common area with my earphones in, blasting AC/DC. Thanks, Tony. I had’t been back to the tower all day and I’d been avoiding any calls. I just needed to be on my own for a bit. Sometimes I found being an Avenger overwhelming. I wasn’t a ‘super-soldier’ like Steve or an amazing assassin like Natasha. I was a computer geek, a hacker so to speak.

For what seemed like the 100th time my phone rang and I hung up. Suddenly my earphones were pulled out of my ears scaring the hell outta me. “What the-”

Steve frowned down at me, his arms folded over his chest. “Why’d you hang up?”

I rolled my eyes with a sigh. “I’m in the tower. I was gonna come and find you.” I lied, hoping Steve wouldn’t look into it.

“Right, so, you’ve been where, all day?” Steve shrugged his shoulders as he asked in his Cap voice. I rolled my eyes again at him. “Y/N! Stop, with the eye rolling, it’s annoying.” he sighed.

I shook my head, looking him up and down. “Where are you off?” I referred to his appearance.

“Oh, Bucky, Sam and I are going out for the night.” he beamed. My face dropped at his words. “Don’t change th-”

“Are you kidding me?” I creased my brow.

“What?” he shrugged.

“It’s Saturday night.” I said like it was obvious. He shrugged again. “We were gonna watch the next series of Sherlock, together.” I frowned.

“Oh, we’ve already watched it.” Bucky pattered my shoulder as he walked past me. I growled a little as I watched him enter the elevator with Sam.

I turned back to face Steve. “Why’d you watch it with, him? That was our thing.” I frowned.

Steve began laughing at me. “C’mon, doll. I can watch it again with you.”

I shook my head. “No you can’t. You’ve ruined it.” I sighed pushing passed him.

Bucky sighed dramatically. “You’re such a baby...C’mon, Punk. Let’s go.”

After binge watching Sherlock for about seven hours in my room, I headed down to the kitchen to get something to eat. It was well after 1am so most Avengers will have already turned in for the night. “Isn’t, it, past your bed time?” I ignored Bucky as I passed him, Steve, Sam, Natasha and Thor who were in the common area drinking. “See! I told you, she hates, ME!” he laughed.

I stood in the kitchen making myself a sandwich for myself trying to ignore the laughter in the next room. “Okay, what’s up your butt?” Nat asked from behind me.

“Nothing.” I shrugged.

“Y/N, don’t try to lie to me. I know you like the back of my hand.” she smirked as she stood next to me. “Spill, now.” she demanded.

I sighed putting the knife I had in my hand down. “I- I just... feel, I dunno-” I shrugged shaking my head. “Lonely.” I frowned looking up at her. “Without... Steve.” I dropped my head.

“Sexually?” she questioned with a raised eyebrow.

I screwed my face up ‘ewing’ at her. “What? No!” I shook my head almost gagging at the thought of me and Steve.

“OH MY GOD!” Bucky burst out laughing behind us. “That’s, hilarious!” he held his stomach as he bent over laughing. I groaned closing my eyes, wishing the floor would just open up and swallow me whole.

Steve ran into the kitchen along with Sam and Thor, all looking ready for an attack. “What’s wrong?” Sam asked.

“She- her-” Bucky couldn’t talk cause of the laughing. “Brother-”

“Brother?” Steve raised his eyebrow at Bucky before looking at me and Nat. “What’s going on, Y/N?”

I shook my head about to speak but Nat piped up first. “Y/N is lonely, without you.” my eyes widened. “Possibly sexually?”

Steve and I pulled a face of disgust at each other as we stepped away from each-other. Bucky began laughing even more as did Sam. “I do not understand? I thought the two of you were, siblings?” Thor asked.

Bucky managed to calm his laughing down a little. “That’s, what I was trying, to, say.” he snickered. “It’d be like Nat asking me it.” I rolled my eyes at him.

“Well, you and Steve are a lot closer tha-” Nat looked at me, a smirk forming on her lips. “Ah...” I shook my head as I once again picked my sandwich up and began leaving the kitchen. Nat following closely. “Are you jealous?”

“No.” I sighed as I walked into my room, sitting back on my bed. “I don’t hate him, either.”

“You heard, him?”

I nodded taking a deep breath as I placing my plate on the bedside table. “I don’t, hate him, Nat.” I sighed looking down. “Thor was right. Me and Steve were so close at one point, he was like my big brother but, I dunno, ever since Bucky came back into the picture... Steve’s, forgotten me.” I admitted. “I didn’t have a family growing up and Steve was starting to feel like what I was missing.”

“Have you told him? Them?” she sat up looking at me.

I shook my head. “Every time I try to, they go off to do something... I mean, are they fucking?” I blurted out making Nat burst out laughing. I covered my mouth as I began laughing with her.

Nat: Don’t forget training this morning x

- Don’t be late! x

Y/N: Yeah yeah. See you in 5!x

I headed down to the gym to meet Nat for our early training session. After last night I wasn’t really in no mood for anyone. I pushed the door open expecting to see Nat already running on the treadmill or getting somethings out for our session. “Nat!” I shouted. “Nat?” I frowned as I lifted my wrist to look at my watch. “Asshole tells me not to be late.” I muttered.

“Language!” I jumped at the sound of Steve’s voice behind me. He chuckled as he walked over to me. “What you doing here?” he asked dropping his stuff next to me.

“Having a party.” I shrugged. Steve rolled his eyes looking away. “That’s annoying.” I smirked a little, mocking him. “Why are you here? Don’t you usually go for a run this early?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, but Buck wanted to train in here this morning.”

“The hell I did.” Bucky announced his arrival as he burst through the door. Both Steve and I frowned at his loudness. “You, were the one who wanted to train. You said it was a tea, thing.” he shrugged.

Before I could say anything else the sound of the doors being locked caught our attention. “YOU THREE AREN’T LEAVING UNTIL YOU TALK!” Natasha shouted through the door.

“About what?” Steve asked.

“Y/N knows!” Sam shouted.

I sighed shaking my head. Of course she told him. “There’s nothing to talk, about.” I answered.

“Not even the feeling lonely without, Steve?” Bucky smirked at me over his shoulder.

I rolled my eyes as I turned round to take a seat on the bench. “You make me sound creepy, saying it like that.” Bucky began laughing at me, making me annoyed. “Why do you think I hate you?” I asked.

“You do.” Bucky sighed resting his back against the doors.

I shook my head sighing. “I don’t, Bucky. How could I?... you’re lovely.” I smiled at him, making him look away trying to hide his reddening face.

“So, why do you, act, weird around, me?”

“Cause, I’m jealous.” I admitted.

“Of Bucky?” Steve chuckled taking a seat next to me.

“Thanks, Punk.” Bucky frowned at him.

Steve held his hand up in defence before putting his arm around me. “Y/N, you don’t need to be jealous of Bucky.”

“I’m not!” I got up quickly. “No offence dude but, my life is pretty good... apart from my parents dying when I was a kid...” I frowned. “I dunno, ever since you came back into the picture... Steve’s, forgotten me.” I admitted.

“I haven’t forgot about you, Y/N.” Steve admitted. “But, Bucky needs me more than-”

“No, I don’t.” Bucky sighed getting up. I watched him as he walked over to where we were. “Look Steve, I appreciate everything you and everyone has done for me so far but, I’m not a porcelain doll. You can leave me on my own once in a while.” he smiled placing his hand on Steve shoulder before sitting down next to him.

“I know, Buck, I just... worry, about you.” Steve sighed. “I’m sorry... to the both of you.”

There was silence in the gym for a brief moment before Bucky spoke up. “So, what are you jealous of?”

“Hmm... Steve’s like my big brother but I kinda feel like, he was just waiting for you... I didn’t have a family growing up and Steve was starting to feel like what I was missing.”

Bucky sighed getting up form the bench and stepped forwards. He hesitantly lifted his arms and wrapped them around me, pulling me into a hug. “Ya’know, I always wanted a little sister.” he smiled against the top of my head.

I wrapped my arms around him as I smiled into his chest, holding him closer. “Me too.” Steve joined the hug, making me laugh as they squashed me between the two of them.

“GET A ROOM!” Sam shouted, causing the three of us to let go of each other. “AH! What was that for?” I burst out laughing, knowing Natasha probably punched him in the arm for ruining a nice moment.

#Steve Rogers #Bucky Barnes #Steve Rogers x reader x Bucky Barnes #Stucky x reader #request #friendship #avengers

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survivormetaverse · 3 years ago

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Episode 12 - "i'm baaaaaacckkkkk 😈" ~Jodi

An iconic moment happened today and I accidentally voted my closest ally out of the game. So Brayden got sent home and he is going to hate me when he finds out what happened. I did kind of get him out on accident I did not mean for Brayden to go I wanted Jay gone but I was blindsided by Colin and Josh and Elle AND AMY!!??]£[_[3 Omg. Im really upset that hes gone i miss him so much and I dont know how Im gonna go on without his brain. I dont trust Jay but Jared and Jay were both messaging me about how they already forgive me and stuff so thats a little crazy. I think it could be fake or they are just desperate for numbers. But I am with Josh and Amy and Colin and Elle now. I want to be with their numbers. I talked to all of them individually and they said they all were sorry for lying to me and causing me to get my friend out. I know its just a game but I just feel awful and so guilty right now. This has probably been the worst day of my life. He probably will never play another org with me again and hes the only reason i play orgs its boring without him. We are best friends increal life and I hope he can forgive me. I havent said anything to him because thats breaking the rules. But when he finds out im literally so scared of what he'll say to me. I pray he will forgive me I am literally so dumb af.

i'm baaaaaacckkkkk..................... 😈

This is literally worst case right now with jodi winning the play back like throughout the day she has won back her allies including anastasia since she swapped coins with her. Elle, colin, and josh all gave me all their coins to grab immunity before the other side to protect me but also it makes me a bigger target lol plus I gave elle some swapped to get the second thing the leftover because I THOUGHT it could give us an extra vote since that was ony menu but I was tired and drunk and it was a LOT of words and it was just the hunts which I knew didn't have any and I feel terrible bc 150 tokens and my actual alliance is going to be so mad when they realize THAT I HAVE THE LAST ONES and fucked up in suggesting it at all. First they were going for info. So now I think Jodi got all the other sides tokens and they are pooling for something idek. It's literally worst case like we were set to be up 5-2 or at least 4-3 and now it looks like it's 4-4 again hahaha neat. And it looks like colin is chatting with jodi again and they are making deals lol like tbh if she gets to the end I am voting for her to win I've said it many rounds. Turns out anastasia and brayden not only know each other irl they are besties so she mad mad. And Josh looks to be making deals and thinking about flipping so I am on borrowed time but tbh I never expected to make merge. I am glad I have immunity bc I physically couldn't do the challenge anywU here lol and I fucked that up too hahahaha. Good times all around. Like I want to tell them about my steal a vote to have official numbers but now they'd just be mad hahaha literally colin and I had every advantage except jared's idol now. Ahhhh idk what to do but it remains hilarious. I'm expecting Raffy to give my info in these in the market and that is no bueno ahahahaha. I am tempted to just give colin everything bc it's funny. Also jodi talked to me until 1am just trying to guilt me into being back with her I said I have to sleep goodnight like 5 times minimum. Her social game is so good that's why I think she has them all back with her and possibly josh. The problem is that I was keeping her close bc she had the info from others and from my game. I really never had a number one lol bc I was just vibing and I guess now colin is bc I flipped with him lol and I think it's hilarious he grew his army from 0 to 5 almost.

I have a suspicion colin and anastasia have actually been closely aligned this whole time and she knew everything all along. Colin sure loves giving out info haha. And apparently deals are happening all over, none of which I have made 😂

Jodi's backkkkk, wild wild wilddddd. The challenge went poorly, darn thats like 20 minutes wasted. We bought the refresh and there was nothing there 💔 that's 150 tokens wasted 😅. But! We got Amy immunity✨ and then Colin won the challenge so tbh everything's still going great lol. Wonder how we're gonna vote this round :/ we'll see how this goes! I've stopped worrying whether I'm going completely, it either happens or it doesn't 💖 xoxo, gossip girl (this is misleading I HAVE NOT SEEN THE SHOW i just know way too much about it because i have friends that did lol)

So after I voted my showmance Brayden out of the game I was left with an interesting situation. I had cried to Josh Colin and Amy that I was alone now and that my whole alliance hated me. With Jodi back in, I dont think they believe me. I literally flipped sides so I could be in their alliance because I didnt trust Jay and Jared and Jodi. But they literally lied to me about the vote and said it was nothing personal to me but they didnt tell me the plan because they wanted to see if I was lying. Which sucks for me because I then voted Brayden out :( Now that they know that im truthful they said they would work with me now. But all of them have been pretty inactive today. I talked to Amy the most and a little Colin and a little Josh. But I wasnt in their alliance. So I asked Amy if I could be added into an alliance chat since I was apperently in their alliance now. And she said sure. And they added me to a vote block. That is not an alliance group chat btw. So I was like wow thanks. But inside I was like screw this. So before this all happened, Jodi, Jay and Jared put me in a true alliance group chat. This morning I was ready to work with Colin and Josh but not anymore. Not after they put me in a vote block chat clearly saying to me that I am just a number to be used. They don't even need my vote either because Amy has an idol and Amy and Colin are safe. So I'm obviously voting with Jay, Jared, and Jodi. And I know they probably have a final three without me. They could call it something really cool like the three J's. But I called Jay and explained everything to him. (Also Jay forgave me for literally trying to get him out. He umderstands that its a game and all of my motives about not trusting him anymore.) He said he would be a hypocrite if he didnt forgive me because he told people my name in the chaos vote. So I actually think we are cool. And I told Jay that I am his number one. Which is true. He told me a lot of things about how Amy is actually really smart and stuff (I thought that girl was just a goat that I could take to the end with me) But her and colin are tight and both immune. This is bad. Basically we will go to rocks unless Elle flips to our side. Jay is giving his pitch to Elle tommarow. And maybe I will apologize to her correctly tomarow too. ALSO SPELLING THE WORD TOMARROW IS THE HARDEST THING IN MY LIFE. Also I took 62 minutes to complete a puzzle today so thats kind of emberassing. Anyways bye everyone this was so much fun to type omg.

Lol I woke up to a text from jodi asking if anyone was taking about votes yet and I said no because I went to sleep early bc I almost passed out from heat yesterday and had just woke up and she responded "ummmm lol...." 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry I sleep. She's in Colin's dms saying how I was legit her number one and now we can't even talk about votes. Like yeah girl we worked our asses off to get you out of the game sorry I'm not happy you are back. Also I'm still at disney world so I don't have the time for a million conversations. I know I'm going to be the Russell Hanz of the f3 /if/ I make it. So what's jury management lol like she was already pissed I voted her out and I plan to do it again. Anyway it looks like it's hilariously about to be a unanimous jay vote tonight but I am thinking we throw one vote somewhere else in case of an idol. But if jodi did get anastasia back we can't do that. Anyway lol I'm immune so whatever. Elle and Colin discussed like if it's on elle (which apparently jared proposed an alliance of 5 which included myself lol!) Then we could go to rocks and have only josh as a possibility and statistically he won't go if he is willing to go to rocks that it. All this to say I'm f7 and I want to keep my extra vote to f6 if possible so I can use the idol for fun at f5.

https://youtu.be/snpKevncc44

My quest has come to an end. I joined this game to be someone who could be there for Jodi. Jodi and I played survivor subrosa together and we both had rough experiences due to a player in the game who harassed jodi and tried to convince everyone I was misogynistic. As much as I love Survivor, I didn’t play this game to win. I played this game because Jodi told me she was playing it and I wanted to be her body guard. I wanted to be someone who could be there for her both as a number but also as an enforcer, anybody who ever dared to do anything to Jodi would’ve had to have dealt with me. Tonight, Amy and Colin have immunity, and either amy or josh or elle have an idol, so there’s no point in making any noise tonight and wasting Jared’s idol. None of those 4 trust me, and I doubt any of them like me. It is what it is, it’s best for Jodi, Jared, and Anastasia’s game to move forward without me, and it’s smart for Jared to keep his idol. Tonight, I will be voted out, and I am 100% at peace with it.

Since Elle, Josh, Amy and Colin pooled their tokens for immunity and advantage refresh, it means all the advantages and disadvantages are on our side. Plan is to send Elle a disadvantage and let Colin know because honestly it’s not hard to find out anyways. Jay doesn’t mind getting booted at some point cuz he wants to stand for me on the jury, but I don’t want to boot him right now. Obviously they won’t boot Elle, so I’m going to see if Jared will propose Anastasia. The thing right now is me/Jay/Anastasia/Jared also know next round is invisible. So I want Jay or Anastasia to send Colin and Amy disadvantages because if they’re paranoid seeing me Jared/Jay/Anastasia have advantages and they have disadvantages, they might be paranoid enough to play all their idols. I also wanted to keep Jay for this round as it’d be unanimous and something everyone can settle on. Jared wanted to do me/Jared/Josh/Amy/Colin as an alliance but has concerns about the 3 of them being in top 5 in the majority snd also Colin having his ideal f3. I told him my plan has the best shot at flushing all idols and hopefully we can either get Josh to flip or at least have Amy/Colin vulnerable at 5/6. Last thing is Jared is worried he’d be blindsided this round. I told him my plan and I said even if he wanted to flush his idol this round, next round should be ok if we all vote out Jay and the rest of them flush idols. Good to be back in the game! I genuinely believe Colin wants me as a shield at least for this round, and if I can make it through, I have a game to play.

Not everyone saying they only bought an advantage lol what about those other 70 tokens 👀👀👀 Like it must be jay unless someone is lying haha i am hoping people are just busy bc these answers I'm getting from Josh and Colin are concerning 😂 It looks like only elle and got disadvantages ☠️ I am really hoping not to be a target next round even though I know I will be haha. Next round is only 7 and I'd love to take out jodi and jared before they turn on me ☠️ especially since colin creeped on jodi's insta and it is possible they know each other from sports irl. And she was so concerned about all these pregame connections 😂 and here it was likely to deflect. Anyway I just swapped my position of having jodi do all the social work with having colin do all the social work knowing full well I'm not gonna get those end votes. I'm just trying to pull up my placement average now 😂. I hope everyone sees me as having no social game to take me to the end lol bc realistically I don't bc I don't care to put in that time this game. As I write from the pirates of the caribbean line 😂 So anyway if I'm not being lied to which I might be it looks like unanimous jay tonight but also I think the other group was talking split on jay like a 3-3-2 and I'm like wait the 2 wouldn't help. Elle are you okay with that? So I think they must have figured out I have stuff ☠️ I wonder what people REALLY bought haha okay bye

Jodi is back, not just Jodi Jodi, but player Jodi. Player Jodi thinks a LOT. When I was out, the entire time I was hoping somebody caught on that Amy flipped because they knew to put a stray vote on Colin to protect him from chaos idol, but they left Josh exposed. Why? Because Colin knew Amy was going to throw a vote on Josh. Also, Colin tied with me for closest ally and that set off an alarm too. Onto the next. So Colin won immunity, Amy bought immunity, but this could possibly be good because it means they are playing knowing they are not at risk themselves. Anastasia is voting with them this round, but she's actually working with us. She told us that the actual plan on that side is: "Jay, Jared, Jodi vote elle and Elle, Amy, Colin vote Jay and Josh and Anastasia vote Jodi" Anastasia will vote me here to continue "working" with them for the next vote. Essentially, they thought that Jay had the merge idol this whole time and Colin was weary about it, and that's why he got nervous about sending out Jay last round. That told me Colin did not have the merge idol. Josh came to me too about Jay having the merge idol. But the way they're splitting the votes this round shows me now that somebody has stepped forward to mention they have it (likely Elle) because if Jay idoled, Elle goes in this split vote plan. Therefore, somebody must've been like "ok let's just be safe and split the votes, I have the other idol". That's good and bad because now Colin has no merge idol paranoia, and they're also able to use it together. It also did confirm to me they've talked about it. Here's where things get tricky. Player Jodi is so tempted to run with it and do a 4-3-1 Josh-Jay-Jodi but it's so risky and could possibly destroy the long term social game, especially if they idol for Josh and Jay goes anyway (we are not idoling for him here). So instead, I'm going to use Jay's vote out to the best of my advantage. Hopefully flush an idol if possible, maybe a steal-a-vote, something. Knowing about next round being invisible is good info for us. Having this info is so key and usually I would think that immunity for a round is bigger than this but being able to plan ahead for a GAME-CHANGING twist is crucial here. My move here is to play the game through psychological distress. I have no advantages! Since they're out of tokens from buying immunity, me/Anastasia/Jared/Jay bought advantages for ourselves and also sent out disadvantages to Colin/Amy/Elle. Seeing that not only we have advantages but also them having disadvantages, they probably still feel like things will be ok because they'll just split votes or whatever and one of them needs to win immunity. But given this is an invisible round, I think Amy is honestly paranoid enough to just play her idol, hopefully Elle does too, and then between me and Jared, we'll idol for one of us. I also plan on bluffing an advantage coming back from Jury, and say something along the lines of having to survive one round before the advantage got activated. I'm going for the win, everyone, I know that if I get to the end with anybody, I have a solid shot at winning. I just need to get there and to do that, I must play an adaptable game – more than ever. PS I am holding onto Jared's idol right now. Power (temporary) feels amazing. Dw I'm giving it back....😈

this has been the most chill round in a while. which is really weird consider JODI IS BACK AND WE BLINDSIDED BRAYDEN LAST ROUND this round is turning out to be what I WANTED last round to be. everyone is talking with everyone, people are trying to disband the sides and all intermingle. it's really interesting how no one else was on board with this until after they lost majority. seems like people don't like playing from the bottom. weird huh now these bitches know how I felt >:( anyway. jodi is back. it's weird. she knows that amy flipped now and everyone is playing very carefully my ideal boot this round was either jay or josh, in that order. so when my gay ass WON IMMUNITY I immediately put out jay's name. we already have the numbers, but I also like said my piece to jodi and jared, this is yalls chance to prove to me that you're really with me and sides don't exist. the ball is in their court do i trust them? no. am I worried? no. i have immunity, the scariest thing rn is that I think Jay is voting Elle, and if Jared and Jodi are with him then that's scary, bc Jared has an idol. The ONLY people I would play my idol for is Amy and Elle, and Elle being in trouble means I might have to play my idol on her if Jay idols himself. We have enough to split, so I'm not worried, I just hope all goes according to plan. sorry my confessional is lame. its the weekend now so i have time uwu. I'll write more the next few days

So this whole token twist thing has really annoyed me. Because of me wanting to show my loyalty to my alliance, i gave away all my coins to Amy so that she could but immunity. And against my wishes, Elle wasted her coins on the “advantage” which turned out to be a dud. I wanted to get coins together to buy game info or better yet, trade coins with other people. But i was left with nothing, while all the people on the other side used their coins to buy advantages in the next immunity challenge making it even harder for me to secure my safety. Maybe this new 2 Gays and a Jared alliance might actually pan out but im tired of getting the short end of the stick with everything.

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Anastasia: She is in the middle of the two sides. They both need her for the rest of this game before a side is terminated. She is the most powerful because she is in the middle.

Jodi: Has regained a lot of her footing in this game. Is being used as a shield by the people who voted her out. The decision to vote out Jay is questionable, but she still has a lot of power thanks to the knowledge Anastasia and Jared feed her.

Colin: The head of the opposing side. Seems to not know what is really going on with Anastasia. But his allies are willing to take him to the end which is good. Needs to avoid falling into a Jodi pitfall.

Amy: Her rat behavior has been exposed, but her allies are still willing to defend her. Second in command on the Colin side. She is being handed these immunities.

Jared: Jodi’s new #1. Will probably make it to the end of this game. However, he isn’t calling the shots and is in danger of being targeted as an “easy” vote or being called a goat at the end. Needs to start taking fate in his own hands.

Elle: Lost a lot of footing because of not telling Anastasia the truth. This move caused Anastasia to go back to Jodi’s side which will hurt in the coming round. Is the next target for the Jodi side.

Jay: Died on the sword for Jodi. I am confused why they didn’t just stack 4 votes somewhere else, but it is whatever. Has basically given up.

Josh: Left out of a lot of discussions. Is on the outside of his alliances and from the opposing side. Is the most in danger of getting targeted or being a casualty of an idol.

#episode #episodes

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thedappleddragon · 4 years ago

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haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go.

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever. another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #April 2021 daily #2021 daily

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johnnydora · 7 years ago

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hi im not the biggest taylor swift fan BUT jake is so it gave me feelings and then this happened pls cry with me also shoutout to @mermaeids bc she’s the only taylor stan i follow and i got 99% of my info seeing her on my dash oops

okay so taylor dropped “look what you made me do” while jake was in prison and obvs amy plays it for him thru the phone and its rly quiet and awful quality but jakes LIVING for it and amy tries to relay all the media drama that came with the release bc she knows jake would want to keep up with everything

lets be real its probably one of the first things jake does when he gets home like obviously he has higher priorities first but,,, he definitely plays the single like 10 times in a row at like 1am and he’s definitely NOT CRYING okay

he cried

jake freaking out when the other singles dropped though and the “ready for it” MUSIC VIDEO listen he’s got this playing at the precinct he’s showing it to everyone even the perps like !!!!!!! its on mute oc because holt wasnt having it but its okay its fine jake already knows all of the lyrics and sound effects and he’s mumbling them under his breath

but okay here’s the kicker when the ALBUM drops you know our boi is gonna stay up to buy it immediately he’s pretty chill about it for most of the day but in the last hour he’s HYPED is incapable of thinking bout ANYTHING ELSE

amy just goes to sleep like listen her fiance (FIANCE!!) is adorable and she loves him but she cannot keep up with his enthusiasm

she wakes up like 2 seconds later when jake starts yelling and dancing around the apartment as soon as he hears the first note and like she knows sleeping was futile she’s prepared to now spend the next two hours dancing in the living room with him and its maybe a LITTLE cute okay but she trudges out of the bedroom very gloomily

“oh babe youre up!!! listen to this!!”

okay im not even kidding listen to me “dress” is jake’s favorite song i will FIGHT EVERYONE bc listen it has highkey peraltiago vibes but also a super hella vibe (and maybe it’s just my favorite song too but u cant prove anythin)

but LISTEN TO ME the peraltiago vibes bc most of taylor’s songs are badass don’t fuck with me songs and jake is YELLIN but my baby’s got a soft heart for the more romantic songs don’t even deny it and then to be dancing around goofily to lyrics that?? remind you of ur cute sleepy fiancee who’s sitting on the couch and laughing at you but looking at you with so much love okay bye

but the bEST PART ABOUT DRESS is that the line is,,, literally,,, “i only bought this dress so you could take it off” and listen jake’s just telling amy why he likes this song cuz it reminds him of her a little and then her teasing him about thAT LINE and listen im not saying jake literally buys himself a dress so amy can take it off but he definitely does that

and okay but AMY my precious this isnt her type of music yknow and she can appreciate jake loving the music and having fun with him but when the last song comes on,,,, “new years day” THIS SONG its cute and slow and lovey dovey and amy is digging it

like jake is suddenly not sure what to do because he can’t excitedly dance to this one but its okay amy is Overwhelmed bc this song ignites FEELINGS in you trust me and she’s jus thinking about how?? lucky she is?? to be listening to music at 2am in the morning and singing along and dancing (or at least watching jake do most of the latter)?? and she just?? loves him so much??

so she gets up from where she was curled up on the couch to kiss him and he’s like !!! bc unexpected and then they start slow dancing around their living room but like a giggly, sleep deprived slow dance with lots of stolen kisses

im not saying they dance to that song at their wedding but they dance to that song at their wedding okay bye

#HI JAKE LOVES TAYLOR AND I LOVE HIM #idk what else to say #or tag this as????#yup cool bye

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wanna1things · 7 years ago

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Prince!Ren AU

this was such a GOOD look for ren please bring this back amen thank u

Genre;; royal!au ++prince!au fluff uhhhh aka my fave

Warnings;; none,, i mean not that i know of??? It’s pure fluff?? maybe a tiny bit angsty idk but if u dont like boys who can’t cook dont read??

Pairing;; Choi Minki/Ren x reader

Requested;; yes (by anon)

Summary;; Ren is a prince who has moved to your country to study to be a King, and he happens to be your neighbour. Things don’t go too smoothly when you find out his identity...

Style;; bullet point + stuff

Word Count; 2530

AHHH i love royal aus so expect this to be;; long and detailed;; because i also stan minki,,, and he is already a prince,, coming up with a plot for this wasnt hard lmfaoooo;; i got my big ass 2litre bottle of water ready its 1am and its WRITING TIME

Ren was born into the royal family of a small country in East Asia

He was originally second in line until his brother Minseok gave up his right to the throne so he achieve his dream (that didn't involve being king lmao;;)

So little 8 year-old Minki is now thrust into the spotlight

Up until this point he’s had like;; no training on how to be a King

So he decides when he gets to his twenties he’ll go abroad to study politics and languages and stuff

So he can still be a good king when the time comes;;

But he doesn’t want to be treated like a prince wherever he goes so,, he instead decided to go by his real name rather than his royal name when he’s abroad (which less people know)

(okay it is a thing like prince harry’s name is actually henry FUN FACT)

But he’s super talented like;; he has a way with words and he’s really popular in his country

Because not only is he really beautiful but he’s also amazingly funny with a great personality

Like I mean it when I say he could probably make friends with a brick wall

He’s a little;; weird;; but it just makes him even more loveable sdjhfgjsd

He’s honestly treasured by his country because he just seems like a normal human he doesn’t try to act better than anyone else uh BLESS how kIND

ANYWAY

So the time comes for him to go;; and he chooses on going to your country!! (and your university what a coincidence am i right)

Now you’re just a lowly university student living in a block of flats not far from the campus

And it’s a nice block of flats but you’re on the 8th floor and the lift doesn’t work;; yikes

I mean at least you’re not on the 10th floor right??

So when you see someone moving into the flat next to your with boxes and boxes of stuff you are overcome with pity like;;; yeah you did that once before too

And you muster up the courage to go and help out this guy who is reALLY struggling with his suitcases

He nods a thank you as you pick up one of the suitcases and carry it up the last flight of stairs,, too tired to even speak (i feel u bro)

When you both reach the top he points out which room to take his bags to and guess what

He’s your new neighbour! (yay)

You help him put all the bags in his room and after about 3 minutes of trying to get all his breath back he manages to whisper a ‘thank you’ and offers you some tea

Obviously you take him up on the offer I mean you’re a uni student free sustenance is v good

BUT you have to go back to your room because;; well;; a welcome gift??

All you have in your room that's suitable are like candles and stuff but… don’t get me wrong but this guy doesn’t seem like the biggest fan of candles especially after walking up 8 flights of stairs

So you decide on giving him some of your sweet potatoes and a cute little keyring that your friend gave you that you’ve never used

It’s a little rabbit with a tiara on how ;; cute ;;

When you return to his apartment suddenly the shaggy looking guy who you helped carry his stuff up the stairs is now;; this beautiful man;;

Hes mid-way through making the tea when he notices you’ve returned

And he looks up and flashes you the cutest lil eye smile lol

Oh my god are they the same people even

He finishes making the tea and walks over to shake your hand

‘It's a pleasure to meet you!! I’m Choi Minki~’ he smiles, taking your hand in his

Shfsdhfjgshdjfh his hands are soft what (listen my fave hc is that minki has super super soft hands @ me on this gn)

‘Ahhh hi yes,, i’m y/n and i’m your neighbour!! I got you a present’

His face lights up when he sees the present sdfhdjhf

‘How did you know i love bunnies??’

You both sit down on the sofa in the middle of his flat surrounded by boxes

Drinking your tea and talking about life

You discover he’s attending the same university as you;; studying politics and modern languages

He’s like;; super smart but he doesn’t show it off at all??

But there’s something about his face that seems really familiar

Like as though you’ve seen him before but you don’t know where

So you just assume he reminds you of an old friend or something

As time passes you get really close

You walk with each other everyday to campus and back, you tell each other absolutely everything and you even cook for one another on alternate nights

One night when it was Minki’s turn to cook he was making some food from his home country;; cold spicy noodles (i love those pls omg)

And ahh he is not at all good at cooking but he tries hard so;; let’s let him off yeah

But he concentrates so hard but he genuinely just;; burns everything like idek how he does it don’t let minki cook;;

In the end he just;; gives up so you cook together!!

And as you’re quickly making a batch of pancakes together he decides yeah good time for a food fight

Proceeds to chuck flour all over you

And as he’s laughing at your pain you realise wow okay yeah his laugh is cute oh nOOOO you got a crush on your weird neighbour????

Obviously you ;; don’t make this known and eat your damn pancakes in peace

After chucking flour right back at Minki of course

Over the next few days he just suddenly stops coming into uni because;; he’s in a couple classes with you let’s just say you’re a politics student lol

You try knocking on his apartment door a couple times and nobody replies even when you call his name

You basically put 2 and 2 together

And make 5

And assume that he’s deliberately avoiding you because he realised your crush

In reality there’s been a minor problem in his country;; a law is being passed through government that’s quite controversial to do with like;; minority rights and stuff;; so he’s had to return to fight to get it passed and he didn’t really want to leave without saying anything but;; he also didn’t want to reveal who he was to the whole world

It’s a constitutional monarchy and democracy thing okay pls; i can’t explain political systems;

One night about a week after Minki’s sudden disappearance

You decide to turn on your tv because damn life is boring when you can’t go to Minki’s house and play snap lol

And on the news they’re talking about minki’s country bless where the spicy noodles come from

But the news report tells the story of this brave prince who is attempting to pass a law to protect the rights of the people of his country and wow this prince is a nice guy

And they show a clip of a press conference he held earlier on in the day

And

Wow

Okay

That prince looks suspiciously like your neighbour Minki???

Wait

THAT IS MINKI??!!

Minki = Prince Ren what the ??

Not long after this the law is passed and Minki returns back to his apartment next to yours and oh my god

You see him walking up to the entrance and you freak out again because

You have a crush on a prince???

He didn’t even tell you he was a prince???

What??? Is???? Going????? On??????

He comes and knocks on your door like usual and as you swing open the door he quickly pulls you into a hug

‘y/n!!! I missed you so much!!! I’m sorry for disappearing i had family stuff but I’m back now!!!’

And you just tense up a little because oh god this is a prince who basically lied to you for your friendship so far

‘Hello, Ren.’

Uh oh

You can feel Minki just tense up slightly and pull away from the tight hug

And he kind of just stands there awkwardly looking at the floor wondering what to say next because oh my god how did you find out

‘Y/n, please don’t treat me differently now you know who I am… I wanted to tell you I really did… How did you even find out?’

He looks into your eyes like he’s searching for something because uh oh the girl he’s liked for a while and the only girl who treats him like a normal human being is reallllllly pissed off with him and he,, doesn’t have any idea how to fix it

‘You were on the news, Minki. How long were you going to keep it from me? Were you even planning to tell me at all?’

‘Listen, I was going to but there was never a good time and honestly, I thought you wouldn’t want to be friends with a Prince?’

You just sigh heavily at his answer and go to slam the door in his face but he stops it with his foot and holds on to your wrist tightly

‘Please, y/n, can we talk properly?? I’ll make food.’

You take your hand off the door and stand back to let him into your flat and he immediately heads to the kitchen and pulls out a ramen packet

He starts to cook it all while you sit at the kitchen counter, watching him as he tries desperately to not burn everything sdjhfgsjdgh poor minki

He manages to,, kind of make it (well done minki)

And he places the bowl in front of you and sits down next to you in complete silence like ok this is getting a little awkward

So perk up the mood he just managed to cook without burning the whole block of apartments down

‘So, the prince can cook ramen but nothing else hm?’

He giggles slightly at your comment and nods

‘Yeah my parents always tease me about it too, especially since my brother is amazing at cooking’

He laughs again and picks up his chopsticks to shove in a whole load of ramen

So you finally turn to look at him and you notice his eyes are red and oh my god you made him cry??

Part of you is like yeah but listen he deserves it he lied to you for like 6 months

But then again;; it is understandable that he wouldn’t want everyone knowing he’s a prince

And it doessssss make you feel a little special that he didn’t want your relationship to change at all

You do what your heart tells you to do

And you pat his head and ruffle his hair a little

He looks comPLETELY BAFFLED LIKE,,, WHERE DID THIS COME FROM

But he smiles really wide and giggles again

‘Is this how you show your forgiveness?’

‘No way Minki, I want at least 5 more meals cooked by you before I can get over this’

And omg

He doesn’t get that you’re joking at first

And you just see this look of absolute terror go across his face like

Ohhhh no if he even tries to cook another meal the whole building is going up in flames like

Ramen was hard enough he had to keep checking the packaging every 5 seconds to make sure he was doing it right

Then he realises you’re joking

And he laughs because oh my god

What kind of gullible-

Sooo as time passes from here you get even closer

Some people suspect his identity but you vouch for him and say that ahh no he’s no prince lol i know he’s beautiful but nooo you’re mistaken

And minki is sooo thankful for you and you both just fall in love with each other even more compLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO EACH OTHER’S FEELINGS (idiots)

That is until one evening Minki announces out of the blue that he’s going back to his country

And he wants you to come with him

And you’re leaving tomorrow

He leaves you with a ‘pack quickly~~’

Like wow thanks for the suddenness of this i hAVE TO PACK EVERYTHING IN LIKE 3 HOURS

But you manage;; somehow

And you get on the flight and Minki is so damn nervous for some reason

Like is he scared of flying??

What??

So you hold his hand during the take off and landing just in case lol

Minki would never admit it but that made his heart race even more

As soon as you land he takes you straight to the palace and walks you into this big ballroom and asks the servants to call for his parents

And you just assume like ok yeah

He’s just introducing me to them as his friend from abroad thats cool

But when they turn up Minki suddenly stands up all stiff and proper which is like

Woah okay

And he kneels down before his mum and dad and starts to say something which is almost inaudible

‘Mother, Father, I have brought before you today the person I told you about, the one I am in love with. I intend to marry this person once the time is right but I thought you should meet them in person first. I am very sorry for rejecting the many royals you previously brought before me, but it is because of them that I felt I had to turn them down.’

Yo yo

Hold up a second

Minki??? Told his parents about you??

He is in love with you too okay what???

He turned down other royals because he liked you?? Okay wow

Shooketh

‘Please, let me introduce the light of my life, y/n’

Woah okay

You step forward to stand next to minki and oh my god his face is like a bright red it’s so cute

‘Your Majesties, it is a pleasure to meet you.’

You bow, curtsey whatever idk I’m not a royal person idk how this works

They smile and just say

‘Ahh, Minki you didn’t have to go to so much trouble!! We would’ve accepted pretty much anyone as long as you were happy!!’

And this look of relief washes over his face and he turns to you and grabs your hand, dragging you out of the room

You reach the palace gardens and you’re surrounded by cherry blossoms and roses

And he doesn’t let go of your hand but instead brings it to his lips and kisses it gently

‘I should’ve confessed to you first but I wanted to get this out of the way… In case you didn’t catch that, I am in love with you, y/n’

Ahhhhhhhhh

Heartbeat rises

‘You could’ve at least given me a hint! I almost had a heart attack!! But… yeah… uh… me too’

He giggles lightly and leans in to press his lips against yours

It’s a little cheesy but

It’s Minki what do you expect

And you couldn’t ask for anything better

DHSGJFHGSJDH I CANT DO A PROPER ENDING BECAUSE I’LL START BLUSHING SORRY;; i hope this is good lol ++ that yall enjoy it but it’s like time to sleep now here so goodnight!! other requests will be posted as soon as possible but i’m a little busy still so;;

#nu'est #nuest imagine #nu'est imagines #nuest #nu'est w #ren #choi minki #minki #nuest ren #nu'est ren #produce 101 imagines #produce 101 imagine #p101 imagines #au #royal au #prince au

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dancinginstatic · 8 years ago

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Trip Report: 25/2/17

Took a stamp which was 200mgs around 8pm. Bought it off a stereotypical acid dealer who looked like an ancient time lord who was descended from owls. I started to come up on the train, things looked a bit wavy, had a monstrous smile on my face which like in past trips I could hear and it was deafening. I felt a bit anxious so I started drawing things that went by alongside the train. Get to my friends house and her pictures around the house were like the ones in Harry potter, moving, life like. At this point everything was hilarious and my smile got bigger and bigger which at the same time really annoyed me and made me feel more and more anxious. My trip sitter friend started smoking joints and we decided to start calling people to come over. (My idea, never let Acid make plans.) A few minutes went by which felt like a lifetime and I started getting worried because they hadn't arrived yet. My vision now was very fish eyed and rooms seemed endless. I decided to walk towards the people who were coming as acid outside is much more fun. Did I go the right way? No, of course not. The road I was walking on seemed extremely long and I felt like talking to everybody who went by while also feeling nervous about being murdered and how loud my smile and breathing both were. Walking by a house I saw two people arguing inside. I wasn't sure if they were really there and I was tripping but I wanted a closer look so what does acid do? It stands right on front of their window, yep they noticed. Right then, my trip sitter called me to come back to the house because the people arrived, I realized where I was standing and ran "back to the house" the wrong way. After many phone calls I got back. I was confused as to why more people were there, it was my idea but why? They weren't the type of people who drink or experiment with drugs like acid. At this point I started feeling sick and everything I looked at made me really dizzy and confused. I kept asking people to count the stars because I wasn't sure if I was seeing a lot or tripping a lot. Everyone started smoking joints and I felt like the acid was ready to come down (This was just over an hour in, I hadn't even peaked yet.) so of course I joined in on that. Afterwards I stood in the back garden against the wall looking at the stars and feeling like I should never leave that one spot for as long as I live. I went back inside to an awkward atmosphere, the only talking was shadey stoner talk, no one felt like they should be there. At this point I was reaching my peak and everytime I looked at someone the room melted around them, cornering them. They weren't speaking languages anymore. I tried drawing again but forgot how to hold a pencil for a while, eventually I got the hang of it and couldnt stop drawing glasses, no matter how hard I tried to draw something it'd end up being glasses. I felt awkward, extremely awkward and forgot how to speak so I sat behind a sofa and went into a short lived ego death, forgetting who everyone was, who I was, where I should be, what I was doing. Everything in the room was about to attack me, the walls were flashing different patterns and colours. I looked over to one friend, the blinds behind her started waving around extremely fast and became rainbows of colour while she looked like a painting with edgy grunge filters over it. I couldn't look at one thing for more than a few seconds or else I'd feel extremely sick. My speech was slurred and echoed really loud while the noise of silence from everyone elses voices was terrifying. I wouldnt shut up trying to speak, the more I socialized the better the trip went and the less sick I felt. At 1am the people left and it was just me and my trip sitter. We went to watch a movie, (I do not recommend Hot tub time machine on acid, it sounds like a good idea but nope blood blood blood) The movie wasnt in any language again, I wanted to sleep but I also couldn't. I kept feeling sick and great over and over and continued to draw which was my only safety net. I felt too out of place to communicate with my trip sitter who fell asleep. The acid started to come down and I went for a smoke out the window. While rolling a smoke, it appeared to be a rat which I thought was normal and continued to smoke it. Halfway through my smoke, a cat outside meowed at me, which became a taxi, back to a cat which looked like it was cut out of space, it fucking shot star bullets at me and I fell back nearly burning down the house from my unfinished smoke. I started drawing again and eventually fell asleep, on acid. Woke up fine.

#acid #trip #report #lsd #lucy #cat #hot tub time machine #movie #harry potter #trippy #drugs #weed #joint #friends #sitter

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xerospaced · 5 years ago

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A few months ago, I genuinely thought my sister may have been dead. And had no means of finding out. A Facebook post confirmed she wasnt. But still no contact.

Today, she turns up at 1am, out of nowhere.

Come to find out, we damn near lost her.

And here I am, days after accepting that repairing my relationship with my mother is a total loss, deciding that I need to put all the energy I’d wasted on that, into myself. That I could have been further along than I am now.

After deciding that I’m ready to stop taking responsibility for other people, and focus on myself.

And now, just two days later, I have this woman in front of me, completely broken, and I am the only person with the capacity to save her, the only one with the ability to get through.

And I can’t say no to this.

I was told that I have to stop taking responsibility for people. That I’ve done what I can. That I need to leave them to it and work on myself.

I’ve been messed up, and I’ve healed, and I’ve fallen, and I get back up again and I recover and recover and recover. And I am fortunate enough that I have saved enough of myself to be able to have the kind of mind I can still step inside of to rationalise and find sense.

But what’s she’s been through is undeniably unimaginable, and I will never find peace knowing that I didn’t do everything I could to help her.

It’s gone 4am, and I was supposed to be enjoying my one night of sims, pull myself out of the lows of this week, distract from the hardship, prepare to work harder, push forward.

I don’t even know how I feel anymore. I don’t know that I have the space to process all of this.

I have a mammoth task ahead of me. I just hope she sticks to it.

I’m exhausted. I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been regulating my own emotions, my ma’s emotions, my emotions off the back of the impact of my ma’s emotions, and now... now I have to find a way to maintain the most unstable, volatile, and damaged of us all.

I’m just rambling at this point I guess. I really don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m just at a loss. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m overwhelmed and I think I’ve actually, finally, been knocked into dissociation. My heart wrenched and then... nothing.

I can’t lose sight of my goals tho. Job. Uni. Career. Save. I need to build my foundation despite this.

#mine #Zee #personal

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oflgtfol · 5 years ago

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ok i had a dream last night that like there was a ghost in my house

so the dream started off with some weird stuff with my dog. i cant remember Specific Events, it was almost like this was the Past and so i knew Of it but it wasnt currently happening. so like my dog has a pink collar irl, and in this weird backstory thing the collar had somehow disappeared, only for us to find an orange version of it somewhere in the house so we put that on

so in the Actual Current Events segment, i was home alone and my dog needed to go outside. so i took her outside as i heard my brother pulling up in the driveway. and so she did her thing and when i was on the patio i saw on the table that her pink collar was back. it had just appeared there. i was weirded out but i was like ok whatever and put it back on her. my brother came outside then and i was explaining to him what was going on

so fast forward to dinner then, my mom got home at some point, and so we were all at the dinner table. in front of the table we have this big bay window thing so there’s this ledge inside it that my mom puts a bunch of decorations on like candles and shit but theres still a small place to like, put stuff down. so we were all talking like normal (i even remember my mom asking about college stuff, like it was so mundane) when suddenly i looked at the ledge, bc i sit right in front of it its hard not to, and there was this plate with like. a sandwich on it, but the sandwich looked like only 2 slices of bread but it was cut in a triangle like a sandwich. so i was like “uhm. where did that bread come from”

now its weird bc i had another like, memory thing. it felt incredibly weird like i knew it happened but it wasnt actually in the timeline of the dream, it was just back ground knowledge within the dream. a few days ago at like 10pm i was in the kitchen getting water and i had seen the same bread in the same place but i was across the room, and i had thought it was just my dad eating something before bed. but then i had seen this large indentation grow on the bread as if something was pressing down on it, but nobody was over there. and i was in the middle of watching a minecraft video so i was just like OK! weird and i just brushed it off and went back to watching the video

BUT. then in the current timeline. i saw a similar thing happening to the bread. i was closer this time so it looked like a hand print but i still wasnt at the right angle so i got up to look and it was. a hand. in the bread. and then i remembered that weird “memory” thing and i just started getting really uneasy

i was like “oh my god its a hand. theres a ghost in the house” and i was freaking out a bit honestly. so i went to sit back down in my chair and then like. another plate of bread appeared right next to the other one. then it disappeared. literally me my mom and my brother were all freaking out and i started trying to video it. then the bread reappeared, but then it disappeared AGAIN but this time it left the plate and a small chunk of bread behind (almost like someone ate 97% of it in one shot)

there were like 30 seconds between each Occurrance so my brother was like “skip ahead!” for my video and i was like “no i dont want anyone to think i manipulated the video”

anyway so my brother just stopped caring by the end of it meanwhile i was like panicking. like theres a GHOST dude. and he didnt care, he just left to go hang out with a friend, and my mom was uneasy but not as much as me. and so i said to my mom “im terrified right now because when he’s out of the house i’m alone for a long time in the middle of the night. both you and dad are asleep so early and when he’s not around i’m all alone for a solid 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. i’m gonna be alone with a ghost at night, i’m terrified”

and like NO ONE was treating me seriously even though like IRL WITHOUT a ghost i’m still so damn uneasy at night. LIKE LEGIT i’m basically home alone for several hours at night because my parents go to sleep so fucking early. when my brother’s home from school it’s a BLESSING because i’m finally not the only one awake at fucking 10pm, the problem is that he’s often out of the house anyway so he may only come home at like midnight or 1am so i’m still Alone from 10-12 or even 9-12

anyway i woke up for school and my first thought was that like. ok my fears were valid but like, the ghost wasnt hostile? and so maybe if we had like. established communication idk. then i’d feel better about it. but like Writing Letters To The Ghost In Your House is probably a fiction thing so lmfao whatever. then i was just focused on not forgetting everything while i got ready so i could type this out lol

#my dreams #sorry no read more cause im on mobile :^(

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