#it'll be such a bittersweet end though...

[loveackermannn]

i am missing levi so badly, i've been deprived of seeing him on my screen for over a year......

[kimwexlersponytail]

The only thing that kept me going was knowing you were here.

[aethersea]

what's up with teen mom origin story?

that's actually the first stranger things fic I ever wrote! I jotted down a bulleted list of what I think happened to steve right after s2, to put him on the path to where he was at the start of s3. this was back in my "what no I'm definitely not going to write any stranger things fic" stage, but that didn't last, and now it's climbed a mountain and I turned around!

which is marked complete, because I reached a natural stopping point and couldn't figure out how to write the next bullet, but I do in fact still have a good handful of bullet points to get round to. and this weekend I spontaneously wrote 500 words for this, so we're back in business, baby!

He’d known that there would be no one to pull Billy off of him. He’d known that he had to win, that there was no other option, that if he didn’t win the pain would go on and on, maybe forever, maybe for good. He’d known, though it had been a brief fleeting thought and he hadn’t let himself dwell on it, that he might die. But it wasn’t the first time he’d taken a swing at a monster in that living room. So he hadn’t let himself hesitate, hadn’t let himself think, hadn’t let himself pull his punches.

[noxtivagus]

i'll read more from now on again

[zarla-s]

We move forward, 'cause we can't go back...

It's the EIGHTH anniversary of Handplates, and the first one after I finished the comic back in July! I decided to dig up a very old wip that I never finished and finally do it. I've always loved WeMoveForward by The Midnight, and I think it applies not only to the comic itself but also this period after it... there's no way to go back to when I was doing it, only moving forward after it's done.

Even more appropriately, since I did this wip, these characters all moved forward even further... even as this sat in my files, they moved forward, in a sense. I don't know, the song gives me a sort of plaintive, longing, bittersweet feeling... it's hard to explain.

I had a very insistent voice in my head that always made me do a Handplates page over the years I was working on it, no matter what happened. I wasn't sure if that voice would ever stop, even when it's done, but it has! It's gotten quieter now, mostly only nagging me about other projects I should be working on (Defrag, the Ace Attorney/Frozen fic, web design, fic ideas, art ideas...) whenever I'm doing something, much like it did before I started the comic.

How I feel about Handplates finishing though is strange. At times it doesn't feel like it's over, even if I don't feel like I need to do another page. At other times I get sad thinking about it and I miss it, and other times I look back on it with amazement that I was able to do it. Sometimes I look back on it and think about what was happening in my life at that time, and sometimes when I look at it it's unreal and it's hard to believe I even did it, like someone else did the whole thing. It's like it's there but it's not, it's present but it isn't. It's a very strange feeling, it's hard to describe or pin down. I know it'll always be with me in some way, but it is strange to be able to focus so much attention on other things without that feeling of having to set aside a few days to do a page every two weeks... not bad or anything, but I'm not used to it still.

I don't know! When I read the comments on the last page a lot of them made me cry, especially those talking about how the comic had been their childhood, and now their childhood is over. It was sad to think that I had a part in something like that ending... but it ends for everyone, no matter what you do. We, you and me, everyone... we move forward, 'cause we can't go back. That line was so evocative for me that I even used it as a chapter title for the penultimate chapter on Comicfury.

I don't know, just nostalgic thoughts! I don't know if that's the right word for it... but thank you to all of you who read it and enjoyed it. Even now I hear from new people coming to it and reading through it again now that it's done. Even if it's finished, it's still new to people just finding it. It's still "living" in a sense. And thanks to those of you who stuck around even though it's done, I appreciate it. |D

(As a note, the Gaster ukagaka has a surprise if you boot him on the anniversary after seeing the brothers, if you haven't done that)

[index] [patreon]

[rainyyynightssss]

Twisted Wonderland

Reacting to you trying to go back home

Characters: Overblotters

Notes: Yandere/Toxic themes involved

"Crowley thinks he might've found a way for me to get back home!"

Riddle Rosehearts

He looks at your smiling face and something in him breaks. He should be happy for you, he really should. This is what you had wanted from the beginning. To see your family and friends. To be free of magic and almost getting killed by overblots.

But you should've been happy here. He'd order his card soldiers to keep the rose garden in prim condition for you to gaze upon whenever you visited. The birthday parties always included a dish you liked. You got along well with Trey and Cater. Sure, Riddle was strict with his rules, but he grew more lenient with you. Surely, you could see that.

"That's wonderful news. And you're...happy to leave?" He tries not to let his voice crack as he grips one of the legs of the table they had just used to share dinner together. Apparently for the last time.

"Of course, I'll be happy to see everyone back home. It is a bittersweet feeling though. I'll miss you all." He chooses to ignore the 'all' part of your phrasing for a moment. You'd miss him and isn't that enough reason not to go?

"We'd all miss you as well....I, especially,-"

"But I think it'll be good for me to go and be back with my family, you know?" You add and he tenses again. He knows well how important family could be, and he also knows how burdensome they are. His mother forced him to adhere to strict guidelines, and while it shaped him into the respected house warden he is today, it also made him afraid. Terrified, even, that everything would go wrong if the rules were not followed.

Perhaps that's what you needed. A healthy dosage of fear and some rules to keep you in line. You were his perfect rose, blooming and unblemished. You had always managed to drag him away when he got too deep in his studies and talked him down when his face became as red as the flowers in his garden. But now your edges have grown frayed. You're trying to go back to your roots but he'd rip you out of the ground, thorns and all, to keep that from happening.

"Right. Well, it's gotten quite late and it wouldn't be proper for you to walk back to Ramshackle this late at night." He sensed your confusion even before you could voice it. You've taken plenty of late-night walks before and this would hardly be on the top list of most dangerous things you've done at the school.

"I can walk back-"

"I insist. I couldn't let you go...to your dorm! This late." Riddle shakes his head and covers his blushing face with a hand as he stands up from the table. "I have a room for you. If you'll take it?" He offers his hand to you, hoping you will miss the small trembles.

You smile at him again and take his hand, sending warmth even through his gloves.

"Just for tonight." You nod. Riddle gives you a small, though tight at the ends. His rose didn't need to know about the details of their stay, only that it was going to last longer than they thought.

"Of course. Although I must make sure you have an adequate stay. Rules indicate that guests should have the most hospitable experience, no matter how long that takes to fulfill." Riddle answers with ease and you see nothing wrong with it. His rose would blossom even more under his careful watch.

Leona Kingscholar

"And?"

The notion of you leaving was laughable to him. You had already managed to barge your way into his life, ruining his plans at the Spelldrive competition, ruining his nap routines, and ruining his pride as a prince. And he wouldn't have it any other way. Though the latter is still mostly kept intact.

You look at him, seemingly flabbergasted by his dismissal.

"And...that means I'll likely be leaving soon." You tell him. He sees your small frown. You must think he doesn't care that you're leaving. But it was quite the opposite. As much as he would never admit it to himself, he cares so much that he denies any possibility of it happening. He knows you don't actually want to leave.

Leona watches you sit up from his bed that both of you had been lying in for the past few hours. He grasps your wrist before it can leave the sheets. His grip is tighter than usual. Leona had always been like that. He demanded respect and expected you to follow. You, of course, were not so willingly submissive to him but that made it all the more fun for him to make you.

"Ruggie isn't going to be back 'till later tonight. I've got more sleep to catch up on. Especially after you bothered me last night." Leona tugs your wrist to bring you back closer to him while he rests his other arm under his head.  Last night you had came to him, clearly anxious about something and didn't want to be alone. Anyone else he would have turned away with a scoff, but he's found over time that he has a hard time refusing you. As long as it didn't involve you trying to run away from him.

"Are you even listening to me?" You narrow your eyes at him and he smirks.

"I have and it sounds like a buncha nonsense. Go back to sleep and maybe you'll forget your dumb ideas in the morning." Leona grumbles and pulls you to his chest. He hears you huff but you don't resist, lying back down beside him. He doesn't know exactly why you're having these kinds of thoughts but it doesn't really matter to him. If you want to run, he is glad to give his precious prey a chase.

Azul Ashengrotto

Azul's hands freeze in the air, his fork and knife about to cut into the juicy salmon that had been plated beautifully in front of him. He glances up at you, his smile also frozen on his face, as you were just talking about how much you enjoyed Night Raven College and the Mostro Lounge. All until you abruptly switched to this topic he thought he was doing a good job at evading.

"Ah, isn't that...delightful?" His words would have come off as calm to anyone else, but you notice the slight strain in his voice. You always seem to see right through him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you-"

"Upset me? No, quite the contrary. I think it's wonderful the headmaster has finally secured your passage back home." Azul muses and goes back to cutting his salmon, though it's obvious that his cuts are a bit more jagged.

"Yes... he said it could be any day now." You respond carefully. You try to offer him a smile as you take another sip of the drink he gave you on the house. He could see the small ounce of hope in your eyes of going back to your world. That wouldn't do.

"Is that so?" Azul takes a bite of his food, swallowing before adding, "It's really too bad you won't be able to go then." He continues eating, ignoring your confused eyes as if he didn't just say the strangest thing.

"Why wouldn't I be able to go?" You ask slowly. "I mean, the transportation might be difficult but-"

"It has been a while so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised you forgot." Azul sighs and dabs his face free of any smudges with his napkin. "You may not step out of the bounds of Night Raven College by any means, including the Dark Mirror."

"According to who?" You let out a disbelieving laugh.

"According to Article 3 Section 5 of the contract you signed." Azul takes another bite of the salmon, not letting himself react when you slam a hand on the table.

"What contract?! I never signed anything!" You snapped. He remains as calm as ever. This time, you couldn't read him, couldn't even see his eyes through the glint in his glasses.

"You must remember when you agreed to work in the Mostro Lounge for a couple months. I had you sign an employment contract. I warned you about reading it through to the end. A suggestion I don't give to most poor, unfortunate souls in this school." Azul answers.

He did indeed give you the small packet to look through and recommended reading it all. It wasn't his fault that Floyd made a commotion in the kitchen just as you started reading the end portion. Azul urged you to sign it while he dealt with the mess that Floyd undoubtedly caused and you did, just missing the statement that required you to be on-call even after your employment ended, and being on-call meant you always had to be within a certain range of the lounge.

"You can't be serious." You utter quietly with wide eyes, realizing exactly what he was talking about.

"I'm afraid I am. But don't fret too much. I think you'll come to like it here." Azul smiles again. A smile that's hardly recognizable.

He watches you jump up from the table and storm out of the lounge, passing confused customers who glance back at him. He takes a drink from his glass. Azul isn't worried about you walking out. You couldn't leave here, leave him, anyway. And if you tried to hide from him, he would just send Jade and Floyd to hunt you down. You have become one of his prized possessions, and he isn't going to let you go that easily.

Jamil Viper

"Really? It's about time." Jamil comments as he starts chopping the vegetables you prepared in a bowl.

He had invited you to try some new recipes with him that he'd then distribute to the Scarabia students. For the past few months, you had been inviting yourself into their kitchen, much to Jamil's annoyance. You always offered to help him and he always declined, especially when it came to Kalim's meals. He was not going to lose his job over a pretty face. You respected his refusals but you still liked to watch him for some odd reason. Today, he finally decided to let you help him.

He appears to be half paying attention to your words while you're stirring the stew. "Haven't you been waiting a while?"

"I have. Crowley's been pushing off researching but I finally made him go through with it!" You look quite proud of yourself and if Jamil wasn't so irritated, he might have thought it was cute.

He simply hums in response and continues swiping his blade through the onion, each cut sharper than the next. He should be fine with you leaving. People come and go, after all. It would make things easier for him as well. He would stop getting distracted so easily, riddling his fingers with knicks from the blade when his thoughts drifted off to you.

"Kalim also promised to help me pack my stuff. He's eager for me to see my family." He sees you smile absentmindedly as you stir. Jamil's hand clenches tighter on the knife.

"Of course he did." He mutters to himself. Kalim got everything we wanted, didn't he? He got the wins, the praise, the Housewarden title. And now he was going to send you off. Jamil bet he was even encouraging you to go and like always, Jamil would just have to accept it. Only this time, he wouldn't. Jamil never got anything he could have to himself, always having to share with Kalim. You would be the one thing he could keep just for him.

"That reminds me, I needed to ask you something," Jamil says and you look back at him. He takes a step closer to you and leans forward, whispering the name of his unique magic. His lips widen into a smirk as he watches your irises fade to red.

"You'll be staying here, won't you?"

Vil Schoenheit

He raises a perfectly trimmed eyebrow as he works to pluck yours with tweezers.

"Hm? That's not the line, darling," Vil says. In your hands is the large packet of paper that contains Vil's script for his upcoming film. He had asked you to practice lines with him. You agreed and in exchange, you asked him to put some makeup on you. It was something he's been wanting to do anyway so he obliged. All was going well until you dropped this bombshell on him.

"I know, I was trying to figure out how to tell you and I accidentally just blurted it out," You sigh.

"Mhm. And Crowley has- Close your eyes, now - provided a way for you to get back home safely?" Vil asks as he moves on to your eyes, brushing an eye shadow across your lids that matches your skin.

"I don't know if anything about that man is safe, per say, but he did seem pretty confident about this." You respond as you keep your eyes closed for him. Vil shakes his head with a small 'tut'. The headmaster didn't exactly have a track record for reliability. He voiced exactly this to you.

"Crowley may just end up sending you on a one-way ride to nowhere. There's no telling where he could send you, why not wait for a few trial runs?" He places a hand under your chin. "And besides, why do you need to go home so badly?" Vil puts the palette back down and takes a tube of lipstick in his hand.

"Well, I want to see my fam-" You're forced to stop talking until he finishes applying the lipstick, "I want to see my family and finish everything I had going on there."

"If that's the case, I don't see what you could do back home that you're unable to here. And if you want to see your family, shouldn't you make sure your travel is safe so you can get back to them in the first place?" Vil questions as he wipes the small smudge of lipstick from the bottom of your lip with his thumb.

"That's...true." You nod reluctantly. Vil smirks a bit as he moves his hand towards the back of your neck, his thumb tilting your head up so you can look at him properly.

"Correct. And if I'm not mistaken, you've built quite the life here, haven't you?" He watches you slowly nod and he soothes the back of your neck with gentle fingers.

"You really want to throw that all away?" Vil looks down at you with questioning eyes even though he already knows the answer. You shake your head.

"No...but I also know that's something I'll have to do if I want to go home." You tell him firmly. Vil lets out a sigh and turns away from you for a moment.

"If you say so, but at least let me leave you with a parting gift." He turns back towards you and presents a small perfume bottle with a fancy font across the lid that you can hardly. It would no doubt cost hundreds in the market.

"My own creation that I've been working on. You're the first to have it." Vil says as he hands it over. You take it with a bright smile.

"Thank you! I'll try it on as soon as I get back to Ramshackle." You respond excitedly as you move to stand up from his makeup chair but he places a gentle hand on your wrist.

"I'd like to hear your critique as soon as possible. You are my perfect model, after all." He says with a glint in his eyes. You didn't seem to have any problem with that and sprayed a few spritz of the perfume on yourself, promptly passing out in the chair. You would get it through your head eventually that you belong here. You just need a little more convincing.

Idia Shroud

"Hold up, what?"

Your sudden words caused him to press the wrong button and his character gets brutally killed by one of the forest monsters in the game. You wince and put down your controller, turning towards him on his remarkably soft couch.

"Yeah...sorry to tell you so late but it looks like it could be soon." You say and Idia tosses his controller to the side, facing you as well.

"So you're gonna go? Just like that?" He asks in shock. You only recently just started playing video games with him in his room. Before, you had to practically beg him just to play a game with you when you were both in different dorms. It took a lot of convincing but he soon gave in after some persuasion from his brother. Once, you showed up to his room to see if you could play in person and he stared at you with wide eyes for about five seconds before slamming the door in your face, apologizing later over text.

He was unbearably anxious around you at first but he got used to the idea that you wouldn't judge him so easily. So he showed you another side, his more competitive and ill-mannered side to see if that would make you go away. And you still didn't. You instead embraced him for it. So why now were you just going to forget about all that?

"I-I mean I have to," You were clearly caught off guard by the intense look in his eyes, "I have a home and a family and friends-"

"Yeah, yeah, sure but what about everything you have here?" Idia insists.

"Everything I have here?" You ask.

"Y-Yeah, those first years, Grim, your dorm, me- many other things!" He stammers out. It would be way too cringe to mention himself deep down he hopes he's one of the things that could keep you here.

"Of course I'll miss everyone, but I miss everyone back home too," You say. Idia sighs deeply as he throws his head back on the couch.

"You're reallly set on this, huh?" Idia asks. You bite your lip and nod.

"But I still-" You try to add but he cuts you off.

"No, I get it. I wouldn't wanna be around me either." Idia sighs again. You look at him with wide eyes and fervently shake your head.

"No, it's not like-"

"You must have better friends back home if you're so desperate to see them again." He adds as he looks away with a frown. You don't notice him peeking back at you. You sigh and tilt your head so you can fully meet his gaze.

"Look, I'll talk to Crowley, see if he can push it back a bit." You tell him. He looks at you curiously.

"Are you sure? I don't wanna pressure you if-"

"No, it's okay. I want to spend more time with you and everyone anyway." You give him a small smile and he smiles back. He could play the pity card all day if it meant you'd stay.

Malleus Draconia

Malleus pauses in his steps, looking at you with a wide, curious gaze.

"You're leaving?" He utters. The two of you had been enjoying your nightly walks together back to Ramshackle. After one too many fights and attacks happening after hours on campus, he thought it best to escort you back home. He could easily teleport you both back to your dorm, but it gave him a good excuse to be around you more.

"Yes, hopefully it'll be soon. I'm excited to go back!" You smile enthusiastically and Malleus can only offer a grimace back.

"I suppose you could say I'm a little surprised. I thought you were happy here. Did I assume wrong?" He asks as he continues walking you to your dorm. Normally you would have never been able to keep up with his pace but he always kept a slower one for you.

"Oh no, I am happy here. My friends have been wonderful and I'm glad I'm friends with you. There's just some things I could do without." You mention offhandedly as you gaze up at the moon. He looks down to see it reflected in your eyes. The moon is wondrous but all he can see are the eyes that pinned a man who could never yield so deeply. You managed to befriend a dragon who is intimidating in every manner. That kind of connection isn't so flimsy that it could be dismissed by thoughts of departure.

"Things such as what?" Malleus perks up at the idea of solving one of your problems. As powerful as he is, there are a number of things he can't help you with. He couldn't do anything about your assignment getting deleted after your internet 'crashed' or about the friendship problems you once had with the Heartslabyul boys, but he's always eager to listen, just as you always do with him.

"It's just some rowdy guys from Savanaclaw who are still mad about the Spelldrive competition. They've been bothering me a bit but it's not a big deal." You tell him and he stops the both of you this time with a hand on your shoulder.

"Bothering you? For how long?" Malleus didn't mean to turn his hard glare on you but he couldn't help the fury building up inside of him. Many of the students already noticed your looming shadow that often followed you around like a lost puppy, which was usually enough to keep them from trying anything. Malleus isn't naive enough to believe that students at this school are always on their best behavior when he has his own business to deal with in the Diasomnia dorm. However, he swiftly and discretely took care of any nuisances that he happened to notice. He didn't think you were keeping anything from him.

"Like I said, it's not-" You try to soothe him but his glare only hardens.

"For how long?" Malleus repeats and he doesn't plan to a third time.

"For about a month now...but I can handle it myself!" You insist but he ignores the latter half of your sentence as his face morphs back into a gentler one.

"So that's what's been burdening you? I wish you'd have told me sooner but it's no matter. I'll take care of it." Malleus assures you.

"I mean that's one thing, but I have other reasons-" He cuts you off with a pat on your head as the two of you stop in front of Ramshackle's doors.

"You don't have to ruminate on it any longer. Do try to tell me about any other troublesome students in the future. I'll handle them and anyone else who tries to ruin your happiness here at Night Raven College." He vanishes in a flurry of lights before you can say a word. Any serious notion of you leaving is unthinkable to him, and if you do come up with more reasons, he'll make sure to take care of those as well.

[bubbabooo]

Ao3 Recs

First Love, Late Spring by miyachondria

Oikawa x reader, exes to lovers. “Oikawa Tooru’s eyes are still the same shade of honey brown, and you still fall in love the way you used to: hard, plummeting, like a burning comet making its way across the night sky.” Loved this! This is an exes to lovers fic, and typically i don’t love those. The way this was written changed my mind though. It was so romantic and beautiful. Completed

filed of flowers by sukirichi Kita x reader, strangers to lovers. You're a princess needing to flee to the country side due to some conflict, lucky for you there's a certain silver haired farmer willing to take you in. I loved this one!! (yes I know I say that about every single one leave me alone). But this was so bittersweet. As you know I'm a sucker for royal au's. This one has a sad ending though beware! Broke my cold heart :( completed.

What Comes With by rightplacewrongtime Ushijima x reader, established relationship. Ushijima really only cares about two things: His wife and volleyball. He sees no other things to really focus on aside from his friends as well. However someone thinks it'll be fun to weasel their way into his life taking his wife's place. He see's all the red flags everyone else is just so painstakingly blind to. OH MY GOD!! This one evoked so much rage in me. The fucking audacity of Tachibana?? Like who do you think you are?? I like this one but it makes me so mad. If you decide to read this please tell me about what you think of chapter 7. The thing that happens in that chapter made me go fucking ballistic. Once you read you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Ongoing.

The Gift of a Greek God (orphan account) Oikawa x reader, PINING!!, enemies to friends to lovers, fake dating. Oikawa Tooru, otherwise known as Eros, can get anyone he wants. Throughout the centuries no one has resisted him. Except one person, you. REINCARNATION AU! REINCARNATION AU! One of my favs!! This trope has a special place in my heart. Oikawa lowkey an ass in the beginning but he obvs grows on you. You will literally fall in love with him by the end. Completed.

[withleeknow]

Can I req something for the milestone event with lee know using this prompt „time passes slower without you.”? ✨

navigation / masterlist / ko-fi

patience is a virtue, everybody knows that.

you know it too. the only issue? patience is a virtue that you don't have.

you're an impatient person by nature, born with an inherent restlessness within your bones that keys you up more often than you'd like to admit. in school, you were always thinking about your next degree. with work, you're always thinking about the next big thing, the future position you'll hopefully land once you gain enough experience. you're always waiting for something else, constantly looking forward to the days ahead instead of living in the now. it's a personal flaw, you're well aware of this.

it happens when it comes to even the most mundane things. what cafe should you try next weekend, even if you're not even half done with the caramel macchiato you're holding in your hands? what movie should you watch next, even if the one playing on your tv screen hasn't gone into its second act yet?

your impatience already flares up on a daily basis, but it's even more amplified and unbearable whenever minho is away. it doesn't help that he's often gone for weeks, if not months on end. you're always counting down the days until he's back before he's even out the door.

"just one more week, yeah?"

his words hang heavy in the silence of your bedroom. your phone is on speaker, set against the pillow next to yours so you could pretend like he's here with you when you close your eyes. you try to facetime every day even if it's only for fifteen, twenty minutes. just to catch up on each other's day and at least see each other for a while before you go to sleep. it's bittersweet, being able to look at him and hear him talk but only from the digital void of your phone.

even though you tend to hide from him how you really feel, how much you actually miss him and wish for him to be back by your side, you think it must still bleed through from time to time. be it the subtle way your voice drops during conversation or how your eyes glaze over with sadness just a little bit when you stare at his handsome face for too long on video call.

you know minho is trying to comfort you. he wouldn't be a very good partner if he can't tell that his own girlfriend is having a hard time without him, would he? and it's not like you bitch and moan any chance you get. no, you always try to hide it from him because it's not his fault that he has to be away sometimes, not like he's choosing to leave you just for the fun of it.

you know his gentle reminder is meant to mitigate your ache, but it only makes you be more aware of how time doesn't seem to pass when he's not here. the clock stops ticking the second he's gone, and you feel like you have to drag yourself through every minute of every hour and repeat the process for days and weeks and months.

"one week is too long," you say quietly. "time passes slower without you."

seven days. one hundred and sixty eight hours. ten thousand and eighty minutes. it's practically nothing compared to the time that has already passed, but that doesn't mean that you get to miss him any less even though it's only a two-hour flight away.

minho doesn't really reply directly to what you said. instead, he tries to distract you with anecdotes of his day - like a funny looking pigeon he saw on the street earlier or a cute photo of soonie that his mom sent him. it works a little. he considers it a success when you crack a smile and giggle at his theatrics.

he keeps the conversation light until you're biting back a yawn and he knows it's time to let you get some rest. even when you're saying your goodnights, neither of you mention what day it'll be tomorrow. you're sure that in the morning you'll wake up to messages from him - not entirely poetic because it's not his specialty, but they'll still be infinitely and wonderfully sincere. you don't bring it up in case he feels guilty, and you think he doesn't bring it up because the reminder that he won't be here might make you sleep restlessly tonight.

you fall asleep with a little bit of a heavy heart, and wake up when the sound of your doorbell ringing fills your apartment at precisely 7:06am. the other side of the bed still cold and devoid of your minho, but it's not the first thing that you notice like you do every morning.

no, the first thing that you register today is the vivid discomfort of having your peace disturbed so early on when it should be a day that you get to spend feeling nothing but comfort and contentment. or at least, as content as you can get without minho here. you carry that irritation with you all the way to the front door, wild bedhead and all.

the door swings open.

you're a deer in the headlights and suddenly your displeasure is vanished, gone in a second like it was never there to begin with.

"surpriseee!"

a sheepish greeting.

you rub your eyes, then pinch yourself on the arm.

you're not really sure what happens next. it's all just a blur of tears and ugly sobbing as you launch yourself into his arms, almost making him knock into the suitcase that's still perched right beside him. the bouquet of peonies in his hand becomes an unfortunate victim as it falls to the floor after the impact, but minho leaves it be, in favor of holding you as tightly as you're holding onto him.

his fingers tangled in your hair, your arms wound around his neck securely like you're afraid you're still dreaming and he'll disappear if you let go. you don't question why he's here; you just accept that he is.

minho peppers warm kisses to your cheeks, your jawline, your forehead and your lips. it's graceless and it's damp from your tears but neither of you could bring yourself to care. he murmurs with an upward quirk of his mouth where he's pressing his smile to your lips, all affection, all love. "happy birthday, baby."

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all rights reserved © withleeknow. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted 28.03.2024]

[genericpuff]

i had a post in the works talking about some of my personal life shit and the things i'm looking to do with rekindled this year to help make personal life shit easier aaand then i fell asleep for a nap and when i woke up Rachel announced that LO was ending in less than 10 episodes ??

sooo yeah i'm officially saving that post for later, because LO is officially ending, with an actual end date. It does mean that it's not ending at the start of Spring like my initial prediction, which is a bummer (because that would have been really cool LMAOOO) but it does mean it gets to go on long enough to resolve the current plot arc. As for every other plotline in the story... yeah, those aren't getting wrapped up, at least not in any way that could be satisfying.

For over the last year LO has been a series of "wait seriously???" and this is yet another, though it's kind of different this time. We knew the end was coming and practically begging for Rachel to pick an end date because for many, following along with this comic has become a Sisyphean task week after week. It's bittersweet in a way, but . . . I also kinda don't feel anything? Maybe it's just my 'tism, maybe it's just the fact that I'm so tired of following this series, but I just... don't feel joy, but I don't feel dread. It's ending and that's that. As all things come and go in life, some day there won't be any more LO, and that day is May 11th.

I will miss the weekly readalongs that I would do with pals, the memes we'd make out of the new material, but I don't think I'm going to miss the comic and everything it said and did. At this point reading LO feels like watching a horse struggle to breathe and you're just begging the farmer to put it out of its misery, but the farmer thinks "No no, it'll be fine! It'll get back up in no time!" and it's like... no, it desperately needs to be put to rest 💀

I still have my two drafts stowed away, both on opposing sides of the fence depending on how LO turns out-

-and now we finally have an end date on when those essays will be written.

I don't know how I feel yet about it ending. These are complicated feelings to sort through regarding a comic that's basically been my life for the last few years, even before I turned into a critic of it. I'm just glad there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm glad even my "love to hate it" energy has been waning on it the past few weeks anyways so that the end of it all can feel as painless as possible LOL Don't get me wrong, there will still be plenty to discuss after the comic, I don't think the antiLO/ULO community will just disappear into a puff of smoke as soon as LO is over, but I think a lot of us are also equally relieved that the comic made it this easy to stop reading and that it now has an end point.

And most of all, I'm hoping that whatever ending the comic brings, even if it just winds up being the S2 finale all over again for the critics, is still satisfying for the fans who have stuck around with it this long. The people who have loved this comic through it all at least deserve a proper send-off and I really hope Rachel gives it to them.

As for me... I'm not going anywhere, but it's been nice to stuff the overflowing clothes of LO back into its drawer within my brain. I want to make room for other drawers, other things, other pieces of work that will undoubtedly bring me more joy and entertainment. I don't know what yet, but it's nice to know the drawers aren't overflowing anymore.

And that's all I'm gonna say on that.

[barrenclan]

Everyone is jumping on the theory wagon so here are my personal predictions:

-You made a few posts about how one of the themes of PATFW is finding hope in hopeless situations which makes me think the ending of it won't be completly bleak. I think it'll be bittersweet, although leaning more on the bitter side. Maybe something along the lines of TMA's ending but a bit more melancholic

-Rainhaze is gonna die. There's no hope for him by now. Although, I think it would've been real fucked up if everybody except for him died and he was forced to go on without a purpouse. Fascinating but not that likely to happend imo

-I think both Blacknose and her kits will live, not only that I think at least one other character will survive so they can help her with the children. My bets on it are either Egrettail, Slugpelt or Daffofilpaw

-Barrenclan is DEFINATLY not getting reformed after the defience attack. I mean the previous chapter is literally called the death of Barrenclan

-I think Pinepaw will die at the end of the story, possibly in a murder/suicide in order to defeat Deepdark. It's sad, but I think it's a very likely possibility. Cormorantpaw will survive though and will have to live with only his memory :( Perhaps he'll get to reunite with his siblings though?

-I feel like to parallel the fire that burned down the forest that Roseclan resided in there's gonna be a fire near the end of the story. Not sure yet what it'll do yet tho. Perhaps it'll snuff out the defience?

-I'm not sure how likely it'll be but I think it'd be really nice if Pinepaw got to talk to or interact with some of the more unwilling members of the defience. Perhaps have a bit of a heart-to-heart with them as they're all stuck in the same horrible situation.

-To wrap this up, here are some other characters that I think will die: Redpelt, Beeface and/or Plumstripe (Either they both die defending the clan side by side and make peace with eachother, or only one of them dies and the other grieve the fact that she wasn't a better sister to her in life. Either way at least one of them is dying) and Prowl

YAAAAY I love these long endgame theory predictions so much. :D So much I can't say but I can read everything and nod my head sagely. ALSO I adore the bingos, they're so funny.

[neteyamyawne]

🫀— Another Love

༄ Pairing : Lo'ak x Fem!Na'vi!Reader

༄ Summary : He slowly falls for another and all you can do is see him be happy with her like he was once with you.

༄ Warning : Jealousy, slight one-sided love, falling out of love, emptiness (emotional), sadness, confrontation.

༄ Prompts : Falling out of love.

༄ Word count : 1.2k, proof read.

༄ Note : This is me first time writing for lo'ak so idk much 🥹 I'm improving for him!

༄ Glossary : [Tiyawn] - Love, [Yawne] - beloved.

◦ Angstmas || Masterlist

You saw it, of course you did, anyone who wasn't lo'ak saw it loud and clear…

Your favorite leather armband? Gone, the river stone choker? Gone and nowhere to be found until you saw Tsireya wearing it. The inkling of downfall starting from the smallest of things.

The swimming lessons were always him and her paired up, at first it was you, the one who left her forever home for him to come here, to an unknown clan and living in between unknown people, just for his love… your love..

His eyes were unfocused as you say near the coast with him, though his hand rested on your thigh, his mind was elsewhere, lost in thought, it was like, he was your lo'ak anymore.

“Ma lo'ak… are you okay? You seem distracted” his eyes snapped back at your face, a sheepish smile forming in his face as he squeezed your thigh softly.

“Yeah, yeah I'm good, Tiyawn” he whispered before his eyes trailed back to the shallow waters, where Tsireya taught the metkayina children how to ride the ilus and for a moment you thought if he suggested to go for a walk on the beach for a certain reason.

She looked splendid, everything a female should look like, the small shell at the crown of her head, the neat braids that cascaded down her back in tight curls would easily make anyone fall in love with her and from the way she sat close to him, her hand on his chest during breathing practice and his breath would stutter at her touch Every. Single. Time.

The dots were connecting but you weren't ready to admit it, it was hard to accept the fact that the one you love the most was falling out of love with you “Lo'ak, what's going on?? I know you're hiding something… I know”

He was startled by your confrontation, a look of guilt spreading over his features, though he looked unsurprised by your question, which only meant one thing, he anticipated it.

“I- I… it's nothing, y/n forget about it, it's stupid” he looked away embarrassed, he didn't want to say it, who would when they knew it would break the heart of the person who left everything behind for them.

“It's Tsireya… isn't it?” Your words grabbed his attention so fast it almost snapped his neck, eyes wide in surprise and resentment… not for you though, for himself.

He shakes his head worried about how he would be able to explain about this complicated feeling but if he saw deep enough, the answer was right there… the ocean eyed, metkayina princess.

“Y/n, No, it's- it's not… i mean yeah but-” he was struggling to form words as his eyes darted between you and her as if he was watching a ping-pong match.

But your heart sank deeper with every second of his hesitation, a void yawning open in the middle of your chest as you clearly saw the love on his face but it wasn't for you, as much as it broke your heart, it wasn't for you.

He was miserably failing to explain his side but you saw the yearning in his eyes for her, a bittersweet smile graced your lips and your hands trembled, so you fisted them as you spoke the next words “Go to her, It's okay… Go to her”

The stunned silence on his face was enough for you to break down right then and there, you loved this man with your entire life and this is how it ends? You let go? But it'll only hurt more if you hold on, though…

“Sweetheart- what are you saying…? Go to her? Are you sure?” That's when the tear slid down your cheek and his frown covered his features, knowing that his truth was your end, but what hurt the most is that he asked ‘are you sure?’ he was ready to go, there was no point in holding back.

It felt like you were ripping your heart out of your chest and shredding it into ribbons with your own two hands as you simply hid your pain behind a smile and teary eyes and nodded “yes, Lo'ak, go to her… as you want, you can go to her… i guess your love wasn't as strong as you said it was”

The hesitation and guilt was written all over his face as he saw the tears in your eyes, the hurt in your voice, nothing but regret filled him as he never thought this day would come “I'm so sorry… So damn sorry” he held your hand tightly but there was no warmth in it, his words were like Ash in your mouth, they meant nothing to you now.

“Just go… leave, go away” your eyes averted back to Tsireya who was unaware of the conversation, anger simmered in your chest but it didn’t cover the hurt that caved your chest, the jealousy that raged in your mind but you hid it well.

Lo'ak frowned, the little braids that framed his face falling away from his eyes, getting up from his spot beside you… biting his lip nervously as he knew he fucked up big times “Yawne, I'm really sorry… I hope you understand… I'm-”

But you got up "stop it please! Just go away! I- I don't want to talk, please!" and left, not wanting to hear the reason why you failed to be the one for him, it was all a mistake, a mistake to leave your home for the person who you thought was your everything, a mistake that he would be your love forever, a mistake to ever think he'd never leave you for someone else.

His heart sank as she watched you walk away after the truth was out, he felt terrible, HORRIBLE, for breaking your heart after everything you did for him but he couldn't keep you leading into a ditch after he knew his feelings were lost for you and held onto another and with a defeated sigh he walked towards Tsireya, with a smile, as if nothing happened and he didn't just leave you, the person who left her whole life behind for him, for the girl he met a few months ago.

Even when you walked away from him, sobs leaving your lips silently, you couldn't help but stop and watch from behind a boulder with tears glistening your cheeks as the smile he once gave you shone brighter when he looked at her instead, the look he gave you once now almost glowed with love for her.

Were you not worth it? Did your sacrifice mean nothing to him? Was it that easy for him to forget you and move on? After you spent years loving him? The questions swirled in your mind but there were no answers to justify them as the person you saw your future with left you with just your thoughts in a clan where you don't know anyone and had to live with his family to top it off.

You were foolish to think that he would keep loving you… but were you? Is this what you deserved? To be left alone and broken in a place you don't know anyone, away from your home and family and betrayed by the person you trusted the most? No, but your heart still broke as you say the on golden shores of metkayina but nothing seemed so colorful as it was to you before this happened…

Ho Ho Ho : @cryinginthemoonpool, @luvv4j4ybe11, @xylianasblog, @plooto, @itchaboi-itchyboy, @pandoraslxna, @taylormarieee, @thewiltedpeony, @neteyamswillow, @danniackerman, @hotdsworld, @zafrinaxyz, @xstarsdiary, @moondaisye, @puddle-nerd, @eywxveng, @minnory, @neteyamssyulang, @tavsianus, @ele-sme.

• Let me know if you want to be tagged in the next two angstmas fics!

©Neteyamyawne2023 | All Rights Reserved. Do not repost on other platforms, copy, steal, or translate any of my works!

[forbidden-sin-bin]

By Your Side - Chapter 3

Summary: Only appearing as a mere background extra a few times, your hopes of landing a large enough role to be truly seen dwindles by the minute. In the midst of the long wait, you bury yourself in being the hardest working part-time barista the café has to offer.

Oh, and say hello to your new manager, who’s also working hard to make ends meet.

---

August 27, 1997

---

Brushing your apron smooth, you made your way to the cash register with a your usual practiced smile. "Welcome to the Tango Palace. What can I get you today?"

The welcoming expression on your face was far from the reality of your situation right now. And boy, it was bad.

Ever since the trip from New York feeling like a success, the days of receiving nothing but silence on your end slowly melted into creeping disappointment. Waiting by the phone for hours on end, all for nothing, the day wasted.

And it wasn't just the callback that you were waiting for: you had dozens of tryouts in the race against many others - improvs, scripts, interviews, singing, even a literal hand evaluation - in order to take that one and only spot of being chosen.

Though your parents were always happy whenever you landed a spot as an extra in the background of a single scene, be it movie or tv show, it did nothing to quell the shot-through nerves of wondering if the agency would ever give you an update on that callback you did.

At this point, nearing the new school year for Quinn's first year of kindergarten was the only silver lining in all of this. No doubt, you were proud, but it was bittersweet seeing them grow so fast. It seemed as if it were only yesterday that you had brought him home from the hospital, and in a blink he's walking, talking and ready to learn how to read.

In fact, you were so lost in reminiscing you nearly missed your customer's order.

Realizing you may or may not have zoned out for a second too long, you mentally slapped yourself as you quickly typed out the order. "S-sorry! Was it a regular coffee, one cream, no sugar?"

"And a quiche." Your customer sighed. "Jesus Christ..."

You nodded as you forced down your panic and irritation at the backhanded comment, giving them the total as you set the register to print out the receipt. "Alright, it'll only take a second." Whipping around, you set to work on pouring out a steaming hot cup of coffee, freshly brewed, and placing a pre-prepared veggie quiche out of the fridge and into the oven, dialing the settings to heat it just right.

Holding back your own sigh, you leaned back on the countertop as you waited. Truth be told, you weren't sure if the thought of getting fired was more stressful, or the thought of becoming a good-for-nothing that's entirely possible in the near future was worse. Either way, you couldn't lose this job.

The owners were kind enough, and business wasn't overly crowded with people, but you wanted to show them that hiring you was the best decision they could've made. Thinking about anything that isn't the job is the complete opposite of what you're trying to prove.

'Don't think of anything but what's in front of you, right now.'

---

Later that evening...

---

You tossed each letter onto the table in two separate piles; One for bills, the other for junk mail. After an uneventful day of serving customers, you returned home as always, filtering out the mail for your parents before they came home.

It wouldn't be long before the school year started, and you'd have to cut your hours in order to pick Quinn up from school, elsewise he'd be stuck in the after-care program till six, which wasn't fair for him at all.

It wasn't as if your family was poor or in debt, rather down on its luck. Your parents working at desk jobs required them to be there from at least nine to five, there was little to no time to take a break, especially now that they're not just working to keep the house afloat; If all else failed, you'd have to pick a course and go through community college just to get some degree that'll help you find a job that pays.

A part of you feared that you'd be kicked out eventually, which terrified your thoughts of not being able to take care of Quinn. And not being able to take care of Quinn means you're probably getting kicked out of the house like every other parent does to their kid that doesn't deliver.

Alright, that last part is debatable. But it’s possible, and you weren’t taking any chances.

And by not taking any chances, you sure as hell weren’t about to let the phone ring twice as you practically leaped over the kitchen table to pick it up.

"Hi! Hello?! Sorry- hello?"

"H-hello? Hi, is this-?" A stressed voice stutters out your first and last name.

Your face, initially bright with hope fell comically quick as you realized it wasn't an agency calling you for a role. Instead, a somewhat nervous voice of a young man answered. From how he sounded you could tell he was sweating bullets coming out of the other side of the phone.

"Yes, hi. That would be correct." You replied, not bothering to hide your deadpan shift in mood. This however didn't seem to phase the stranger.

"Oh, great! I saw your resume sent in to my agency, and I see you're looking for an agent to represent you in the coming years? Hopefully trying to find work?"

A few seconds of silence passed as you processed his response. 'Oh shoot, they actually remembered?' You thought with wide eyes.

"He-hello?"

"Yep, still on the line. May I ask who's calling?"

"Sean Warden. Sorry I should've introduced myself at the start but-"

You cut him off. "All good. And to answer your question: Yes. I'm in need of assistance in receiving job offers. Is that sufficient?"

"Awesome. So, the reason I'm calling you right now is because I have a proposition to offer you."

Again, silence, as if he was awaiting a reaction out of you. You however, had already begun to lose patience. "...Please continue." You held back a sigh, beginning to wonder if this is some sort of prank call or scam caller.

Still, this 'Sean' guy seemed either desperate or eager as he revealed his intention.

"I would like to represent you as your agent."

...

A few hours later...

...

"I'm going to be honest with you: This is not how I expected a potential signing of a client to look like."

Sitting inside a Tim Horton's café, coffee cups in hand, you found yourself sitting at a two-person table with a young, skittish and scrawny looking man in his mid to late twenties. Admittedly, this isn't the kind of guy you'd expect to meet.

Sharing an awkward silence, both of you holding small black coffees, neither of you had the gall to break the painful, painful silence. At least, until you've finished reading the whole entire contract that he gave you.

Given you're in the middle of the second page out of... eight, this was going to be a long evening.

Flicking your gaze at him for a brief glance away from your reading, you saw no impatience, only anxiousness, in his face. "Sorry if I'm taking up your time." You offered, figuring it'd be the least you could do for someone who hasn't been pushing your buttons.

Sean waves you off. "No need, I'm just happy you've agreed to even see me. I'll take anything, really."

You raised a brow. 'Anything, he says.' Your thoughts wandered away to making it seem as if you weren't the first option of employment, probably the last.

"O-oh, no no nonono, I didn't mean it like that!" He corrects himself, probably noticing or fearing that he might've made you reconsider signing that contract. "I mean- like-" He sighs, covering his face with a hand, filled with stress. "Don't get me wrong, I absolutely wanted to pick you as a client. I've seen your resume and everything; I can see the potential you have, I mean it."

Nodding, you resumed scanning the papers. "Continue. I'm listening, don't worry." Seeing that he hadn't missed his shot, he relaxed a little.

"I'm not trying to sell a sob story, it's just the truth. As you may know, the work I do is to find others work; Aspiring actors, music artists, the like? I'm no beginner to this, I've had many clients in the past and I haven't failed finding them jobs. But when there's older, more experienced agents... Well, you'd want to be represented by them more than me."

You hummed in acknowledgement, not taking your eyes off the contract as you flipped to page 3.

"My last three clients have all decided to move on to find a more renowned agency, meaning that as of now, I've no one to find work for, which also means my wages are little to none at the moment." Sean finished, clasping his hands together and resting them on the table, looking down as he finished. "What I'm offering you right now isn't the end all, be all. I promise you, regardless of what's going on in my personal and home life, I'll give it my all to find you what you need." It almost sounds like a plead, coming from him. "If you end up parting ways with me in the future, that's more than okay! It's just... please. Give me this chance to help you out."

Finally, you raised your head to look at him. Keeping your face neutral, you finally spoke after a few moments:

"Could you do something for me, if I do sign?"

He nodded eagerly. "Yeah, of course! What is it?"

Taking sip of your coffee first, you then reached into your bag and handed him your notebook. Well, one of many... but you knew this one had something you were looking for, and you couldn't reach it by yourself.

Flipping through to the page you wanted him to see, you slid the notebook over too him. "There's someone I know that's been looking to release an EP this year... probably this year, I don't know exactly. Problem is, you can't find their stuff here, only in Detroit. Think you could help me out?"

"Can I?" He almost laughed in relief. "Say no more." Scanning the written contact info that wasn't written in your hand, you watched as he holds the notebook closer to his face as something flickers across his expression. "Hold on a second..." First starting from genuine interest slowly melted to confusion, then familiarity.

You raised a brow. "Is everything alright?"

Suddenly, Sean's gray eyes widened in recognition, and indignation.

"OH, NOT THAT BALD-HEADED BASTARD?!"

...

....

.....

A few weeks later...

...

"OH, NOT THAT SMUG FUCKIN TWINK."

Marshall's head snapped up from writing another let of lyrics as he looked at his recently-signed agent, Paul. "The fuck you goin on about man?"

Holding the letter in his hands, Paul looked like he was glaring daggers into the paper. "Not you! It's this guy that I knew from law school, fucking annoying is what he was." Tossing the paper to his table, he sighed as he walked out of the room. "Take a look if you want, apparently his client claims to know you or something. They're waiting for your EP."

'How the hell'd they know already, this fuckin early?' Marshall picked up the paper, lazily scanning through the content that somehow got Paul pissed enough to take a hike. The signed name of the writer, Sean Warden, didn't ring any bells except the one labelled: 'white guy's name', if it wasn't obvious enough.

No one here would name their kid Sean, for fucks sake.

The name of his client however... slowly, but eventually remembering that day they met, even if it was only for a few minutes, was not forgotten on either of them, it seems.

Marshall huffed out a laugh.

"Hoooooooly fuckin shit. That bitch actually did it."

----

(End of Chapter 3)

----

A/N: HAPPY 1 YEAR AND... *checks calendar* NEARLY THREE MONTHS Y'ALL

Yep.

I think you already know I'm about to apologize again, so uhh... I'm extremely, very sorry? If any of you are still waiting I'm incredibly sorry for the long ass wait. I said previously it was all uphill from here, which was a LIE IT SEEMS

But just to make it up to you all... Chapter 4 is coming THIS WEEK. So there's something to look forward too I hope! Chapter 5 is coming a few weeks after as well. But I hope this suffices for now, thank you for your patience <3

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[sepublic]

The Owl House's Ending Anniversary...

So it's officially been one whole year since The Owl House ended.

One year ago, I wondered how I would move on. How I would keep going. But I also knew I would, no matter what, because time keeps going on. Things will eventually pass, they always do, that's how so many moments and days for me have gone. Even entire periods of my life.

So I'm not surprised how things have gone on since then; I still had plenty more things to say about TOH, and I still love it just as I have. I've gotten new hyperfixations, and even returned to old ones as some of you can see with recent posts, so it's only a matter of time before TOH circles back again.

And man does it feel so slow, only to feel so brief, it really feels like this anniversary has snuck up on and surprised me! And once again, we have some other, appropriate event lined up; A solar eclipse on this anniversary! Luckily there's no sigils nor coven heads gathered to make me worry. But dang, it was raining in Connecticut when Luz returned there, and it was the rebirth of Jesus when Luz was resurrected.

Makes me wonder if anyone of the Boiling Isles, justifiably, has had PTSD from solar eclipses, and dreaded any that showed up, despite knowing it couldn't happen again. People must've held their breaths the entire time during the first eclipse, panicked at even the slightest fatigue, and then it passed and they realized it really was impermanent and over. And that there was another step towards moving on, which I guess I can relate to now, though this is something I'm much less happy to see gone.

I think a lot about how TOH has influenced both me and my writing, how I approach characters and stories now. I've found myself gravitating more and more towards personal, character-driven stories and situations now. I still have a bit of a taste for grander-scale stuff, but TOH was special for me in that it feels like the first time I really got and understood a show and its characters from the ground-up as I experienced it all in real time. The first time I truly grasped themes and character arcs and could make reasoned predictions based on those, some of which came true! It really feels like THE big start of my media literacy in a way?

It's been fun looking back at TOH as a 'whole' work more or less to reevaluate, and learning other things behind-the-scenes about the show. We've had a few more livestreams and stuff confirmed. Dana's done more drawings, including on her Patreon.

I haven't been writing as much TOH stuff lately, and tbf I've already said soooo much. I might have other, new things to say later down the line, and I do have a few thoughts I've written in notes that maybe could be fully-fledged posts in their own right. I've found comparisons to protagonists of other media, like Miles Morales, or Arin from Ninjago.

The Owl House still is and will probably always be something truly special to me; It feels like my first real fandom experience. My first time understanding and learning a show, appreciating it as it develops and even as I speculate. It broadened my tastes and horizons, my ability to participate with others in stuff.

I miss it; I miss new episodes, new developments. I'm still agonized over things that could've been, things I would've loved to see more of. I'm apprehensive over whether we'll get that Raeda prequel because I don't wanna get my hopes up. Plus Dana needs a well-deserved break and is trying and experimenting with new, different things. And I get that.

It's bittersweet, it's scary, it's freeing, it's sad, it's happy. I've gone so far, this show and fandom has gone so far. And it'll keep going, it has to, time keeps marching on. Luz had to lose her father Manny, process that, but still keep going and must be surprised looking back how much she's adjusted since then, how much she's still grown and gained and learned, while still holding him dear; The same applies for the Titan and the magic she once wielded. With grief and acceptance being a core theme in this show, I'm not surprised that it prepped up the viewers to do the same, and now we have.

And you know what? I'm gonna keep going on, like Luz Noceda, possibly my favorite protagonist of all time, one of the greats and a huge inspiration now for how I really want to write and focus on my own protagonists, too. I'm gonna keep doing this like it never ended. The rate and frequency might fluctuate, but every now and then I'll have things to say, and stuff to drop by and check, such as with the tag and the occasional trending post, others' reblogs, and so forth.

So again, thanks to Dana and the crew. Thanks to Luz Noceda, Eda Clawthorne, King Clawthorne, and the other many, many characters! Luz's story is one where it feels like the show really is about her at its core and wraps around to her, and I want to do a story one day that accomplishes the same feeling. And as I see how Dana has been inspired by past influences, I can't help but look forward to future generations and stories that will themselves have been inspired by The Owl House, I know I've been already, retroactively applying it to things that were already fairly compatible to begin with, and really needed the fresh breath of new inspiration.

I'm repeating a lot of the same things I've said last year. Will I say the same stuff another whole year from now? I'll see. But until next time... BBBBYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

[linkspooky]

MEGUMI WILL LIVE

Sukuna reverting to his Heian era form sent the fandom into a panic because everyone assumed that Sukuna fully reverting back meant Megumi is now permanently dead. It doesn't. I understand how the fans would be worried because of how unceremoniously Gojo was just offed, but remember even Gojo got a long fight beforehand only the finishing blow was offscreened. He's still in Megumi's body though, all he did was change the shape of Megumi's body to look like his heian era self. It's the same way that Choso transfigured his host body when he was inserted inside of it, or other members of the culling games like Hajime did. The original owner of the body is still alive, because if the owner dies then Sukuna would still die along with him.

However, not only is Megumi not dead currently he's not going to die and the rest of this post will be explaining why.

Angel explains in chapter 199, that the reincarnated players are cursed objects swallowed by bodies who then use the bodies as vessels, reshaping them and then suppressing the body's original owner. It's the same for Megumi, Megumi at the finger and became a vessel for Sukuna, but instead of transforming all the way Sukuna stopped the transformation halfway through - until now. However, even in that case Megumi's soul is still there just suppressed.

Angel: My objective is to wipe out all players who've recinarnated. Most of them do it by suppressing the vessel's original owner... whether internally or subconsciously. And that's against God's laws... so it's wrong. Megumi: God? Angel: That's just a name I give to my beliefs. Pay it no mind. Angel: So I decided to live in symbiosis with Hana. Megumi: Can your technique revert possessed players to their original state? Angel: It's not impossible, but it's extremely likely they will die... because the cursed object and body fuse. SO it's difficult to strip away one. Yuji: That's why Sukuna dies if I die.

Sukuna hasn't completely killed Megumi, he's just suppressed the host consciousness, that was essentially the entire purpose of both the bath, and then killing Tsumiki immediately afterwards to bury Megumi so deep he won't fight back.

However, as I said that's just the technical explanation. I'm going to make a thematic argument about why if only one character of the four main characters survives until the end of the manga like Gege predicted, it will be Megumi. Before I begin though this is just a theory, I'm not saying Yuji or Nobara deserves to die so if you're a fan of them please be chill. Megumi will live and here's why...

Megumi's character arc is about birth rather than death. Megumi is a child, the end goal of his character death is not for him to die and be at peace with his death like Gojo and in my prediction Yuji, but rather for him to grow from childhood into adulthood. Everything in his character revolves around this concept, even his name.

Megumi, named blessing by his father. A child who is blessed in many ways, born with a technique that would have given Toji acceptance in the Zen'in if he had it, born a prodigy that got the attention of Gojo Satoru, and not blessed in other ways, no father, no mother, no adult in his life to guide him and forced to become a sorcerer or starve from an early age. However, more than that the name represents Toji's desire for Megumi to have a better life than he did.

Toji: Take care of Megumi, okay? That place is ueslss for someone like me, but for him...for someone with potential...it'll be a little better. Toji: I don't care... I don't care anymore. Toji: Hey, what's your name? Megumi: Fushiguro. Toji: Not Zen'in, huh? Toji: Good for you.

I have said before that Jujutsu Kaisen is a tragedy, but tragedies aren't really hopeless stories where everyone dies and nothing good ever happens. Even while Gojo's death is tragic, his dying dream is bittersweet as he reflects on the fact he made great friends in life and protected a lot of people. Which is why I don't think Megumi's name is supposed to be ironic, he was named blessing because he's supposed to be where the chain of abuse that started with the Zen'in -> Toji and carried on -> Megumi finally ends by breaking that cycle.

Megumi is a child, episode 5 of Juju Stroll "had Megumi describe Panda's smell as "ohisama" (お日様) which is a super childish way of saying "sunshine". It kind of literally translates to Mr. Sun, and it's such a cutesy way of talking that the girls get flustered. It's also mentioned in one of the audio dramas where they go out to eat beefsteak that Megumi only wants to eat the sauce and Yuuji reacts by basically saying "Are you a kid??" He also dislikes red peppers."

These childish affectations are there to show us Megumi is not what he appears. That's also basically the twist with his personality too, because he has an incredibly serious personality, and is considered a jujutsu prodigy most people mistake him for being mature for his age when he's really just repressing his emotions all the time.

Fushiguro had intended to just pay and leave but with his serious personality, his idea of leaving was dismissed by Itadori’s reasoning. However, his eyes that were as deep as the night that peeped out from the bottom of a deep ditch became even more lifeless. Fushiguro tried once more to switch off his self-awareness. Numbness was the safety feature of life. If he did not think of a way to protect his spirit, it would not be strange if a curse was born.

Megumi is putting on airs of being an adult, but I'd argue he's the most childish of the main three, because at least Nobara and Yuji both had parental figures and normal childhoods until high school. Megumi was handpicked to be a sorcerer at age six and received no adult guidance outside of that, just training to be a sorcerer. Megumi is a child forced into sorcery at a young age in order to pay his bills and survive, in the manga where the central goal of one of the main characters is that children should be able to live out their youths. If Megumi dies before he's even able to grow up, that goal will be unaccomplished.

Ijichi: Then Itdori will have to go into hiding for good. Gojo: Nah, I'll have him ready in time for the goodwill event. Shoko: Why? Goo: Easy. I refuse to keep this kid from living the best years of his life. Not just him, but everyone.

Of course that argument works for Yuji and Nobara as well. They're also children who I am predicting will die tragically early, wouldn't that go against the themes of the manga too? My argument is this, we've already seen kids die young, Mai Zen'in, Kokichi Muta, Junpei Yoshino, because Jujutsu Kaisen is a tragedy. However, there will be a few characters who survive into adulthood and live to see a better world where losses like the above characters don't happen anymore. Those characters however, are characters where their character arcs revolve around them living.

Yuji's character arc is a contemplation of death and searching for a proper death (I'll talk more on the differences later) Nobara's is more tricky without talking about the quality of the writing, but let's say Nobara's death shows that even a "main character" isn't exempt for death. Which is appropriate as Nobara thinks of herself as the main character of a story. Megumi's character arc however is specifically about a cycle of abuse that started with his father, and continued to him. Unlike Nobara and Yuji who were outsiders who made the choice one way or another (traveling to Tokyo, or swallowing the finger) to enter into the world of sorcery, Megumi was born into this situation and his choice was become a sorcerer when he was a teenager or starve. Gojo had the chance to break the cycle of abuse with Megumi and he didn't, because he saw another potential strong sorcerer.

Toji: But then the unexpected happened 11 years ago, when Toji Zen'in appeared. he was physically gifted through heavenly restriction and on top of that he was an anomaly who had escaped from cursed energy. As a human being who had escaped fate through the power of restriction... he destroyed our destinies.

Jujutsu Kaisen is a story about cycles, and not only is the narrative goal set by Gojo to 'reset this crappy Jujutsu World" so that the cycle of abuse adults heap on children will be broken by the end of the story, but Toji himself is referred to as the breaker of chains and Megumi is Toji's son. Megumi, who he named blessing. The inciting incident of the story happened, because the Zen'in abused Toji to the point he became a remorseless murderer and killed Riko in front of Geto's eyes, starting the domino effect that led to today's plot. Megumi is at the center of that, he is in a way the central victim of the story in a way Yuji is not because even Yuji got the choice to eat the finger or not. Eating the finger, and being executed to destroy Sukuna are burdens Yuji willingly took on whereas Megumi was possessed forcibly by Sukuna creating the current situation. Yuji also wanted to be a sorcerer and wanted to get stronger as one when sitting in his room and waiting to have the fingers delivered to him was a possible option, whereas for Megumi the choice was to be a sorcerer or starve.

Jujutsu Society will not have changed from Toji's generation, or even Gojo's generation if Megumi the child does not survive to adulthood like his father.

Megumi is someone with very little agency or sense of control over his own life, just like a child too he is at every turn practically helpless to the forces of the adults in his life. Of course he's a character who makes choices, but he's still making those choices in the framework of a world of adults who have authority over him. Megumi doesn't get to retire at being a sorcerer or he'll starve, so the choice he makes is "I'll selectively choose who I save as a sorcerer" which is a comrpomise he makes.

He doesn't have a choice but to be a sorcerer, so he chooses to be a sorcerer for selfish reasons. He's also someone with little care for the institution of sorcery. Even his choice to be a sorcerer with the Zen'in, or to be a sorcerer with Gojo is made on the axis of "What will give Tsumiki a better life?" The same with his choice to save Yuji from execution, he doesn't care what is right or wrong by sorcerer society standards, just that he personally wishes to see Yuji saved. Afterwards when Yuji expresses remorse for Sukuna's mass murder in Shibuya, Megumi is pretty unbothered by the moral ramifications of it.

"We aren't heroes fighting for justice. No one can ever truly judge us, so we must continually prove the worth of our existence. and we don't have the luxury of thinking of ourselves. We've just got to save people. I believe that was the original principle behind your actions. So start by saving me!"

Those words aren't just foreshadowing for what Yuji's final task in the manga is (Hint hint, Yuji now needs to save Megumi from Sukuna's possession otherwise Sukuna will continue to rampage in his body).

It's also illustrative of Megumi's character, he's not someone who makes moral judgements at all, not really. He has no concept of moraity, justice, because those are adult ideas and he is a child trying to survive in the world of adults with what limited power he has. Megumi does make choices as I said he chooses to forgive Yuji for mass slaughter in Shibuya, during the Culling games he chooses to make saving Tsumiki a priority above everything else even innocent people inside the games (something only Yuta is shown actually doing) which is consistent with the choices Megumi has always made. Megumi has no choice to be a sorcerer, so he chooses to use his power selfishly to protect one or two loved ones (and his comrades sometimes) instead of using them for altruistic reasons like Yuji or utilitarian reasons like Gojo.

Megumi doesn't have morals, because he's not in a stage of development where he can actually think and develop morals. This is a thing in psychology, Jean Piaget was the first psychologist to study ways in which children processed the world different from adults. He identified stages of moral development believeing it correlated with stages of cognitive deveolpment (congition = understanding) which Kohlberg then defined into roughly six stages of development.

Stage 1. Obedience and Punishment. Child is good to avoid being punishment. Stage 2. Individualism and Exchange: At this stage, children recognize that there is no just one right view handed down by the authorities, different individuals have different viewpoints. Stage 3. Good Interpersonal Relationships The child / individual is good to be see as being a good person by others. THerefore, answers relate to the approval of others. Stage 4. Law and Order Morality. The child becomes aware of wider rules of society, so judgments concern obeying rules to uphold the law and avoid guilt. Stage 5. Social Contract and Individual Rights. The child becomes aware that laws exist for good, there are times they work against interest of individuals. Stage 6. Universal Principles. Pepople at this stage have developed their own set of moral guidelines they apply to everyone.

Megumi is trapped at Stage 3, his only concern is how his actions will affect his interprersonal relationships with others. Everything he does is in regards to maintaing those interpersonal relationships, and he casually just disregards outside morality all the time. Even Kurusu who bonded with Angel and entered the culling games because of one kind deed Megumi did for her in the past shares this same reasoning, she does good deeds because she wants to be approved of by the person she likes.

Hana: Fate is all. I believed we would someday meet again. So little by little, in hopes of being worthy to stand by your side... I help people.

Megumi's morality is-selfcentered yes, but he hasn't developed into a mature enough person to be able to think of the points of view of other people. Even when Megumi does attempt to assert some control in the world an adult appears and steals control from him, literally in fact when we learn that his attempts to save Tsumiki were pointless to begin with, because Tsumiki is possessed by Yorozu. Shortly after this revelation Megumi permanently loses control, because his bodily autonomy and basic ability to make choices is stolen from him by an adult. Megumi's life is defined by how little control he has in it, he says it in what is his first inner monologue.

Megumi: The only thing that is fair about life is how unfair it is to everyone. She was the kindest person, there was no reason to think otherwise, she was someone who deserved to be happy, but Tsumiki was cursed. My father who didn't even know my gender gave me the name Megumi. He's still alive somewhere. Karma doesn't happen on its own. Criminals are disciplined under the law. Jujutsu sorcerers are only a cog in this retribution. If only more good people could receive fairness. I'll save people whether or not it's fair!

That entire monologue but especially the first sentence is true to Megumi and his life so far, the only thing fair about life is how unfair it is to everyone. Everything is chaos, especially the world of adults, something Megumi has not been sheltered from at all. Megumi's name was blessing, but his father who was responsible for taking care of him just ran off somewhere else and left him to the wolves.

You could even draw some kind of sick parallel to the king of curses himself, who refers to himself as an unwanted child. I don't know if we're going to get a sob story for Sukuna, but if the greatest curse in history was created because he was thrown to the wolves as a child, then that says a lot about sorcerer society. Megumi is just more aware of the dog-eat-dog nature of Jujutsu Society then the rest of the characters, it's why he's constantly trying to tell Yuji that sorcerers arent' heroes. It reminds me of two quotes from Buffy the Vamprie Slayer from Faith, another homeless teen exposed to the world's violence at a really young age with no adults to sheperd her.

Joyce Summers: You don't know the first thing about Buffy... or m Faith:  Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter. You think you're a part of something, and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving, but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper every day, and nobody even sees! [...] Buffy: I gave you every chance. I tried so hard to help you, and you spat on me. My life was just something for you to play with. Angel - Riley- anything that you could take from me you took. I've lost battles before - but nobody else has ever made me a victim. Faith: And you can't stand that. You're all about control. You have no idea what it's like on the other side! Where nothing's in control, nothing makes sense! There is just pain and hate and nothing you do means anything. You can't even..."

Megumi's life is defined by this learned helplessness, he's not someone who at seventeen believed he had the complete freedom to do whatever he wanted like Gojo, he's trapped in the tar pits sinking a little deeper every day. There's a reason his Jujutsu Technique is shadows, which turn into muddy water when he uses his domain expansion, and why Sukuna bathed in black water to sink Megumi down to the bottom of his consciousness so he'd stop fighting back.

Megumi's someone with power, but with no real agency in how he uses it, as someone who avoids making choices, and asserting himself over ad over again. Unlike Sukuna and Gojo characters with overwhelming senses of self who seem to have complete freedom to choose, Megumi entirely lacks a sense of self, and therefore doesn't make his own choices.

Gojo: You sacrificed yourself so that Nobara could advance. Well, good for you. But people like Yuji and I... are always swinging for the fences. I'm not saying a sacrifice bunt is bad. Baseball si a team sport in which each member is expected to play their role. However, being a Jujtusu Sorcerer is an individual sport. Megumi: But isn't coordinating with other sorcerers important? Gojo: Yes, but no matter how many allies you have around you... you'll always die alone. Right now, you can only judge and match those around you instead of picturing a stronger future you. Maybe it's because of that ace in the sleeve you think in a worst case scenario if you were to at least sacrifice yourself all would end well. Keep that up and you can forget about becoming as strong as me, you won't even match up to Nanami. To die and then win, and dying victoriously are two completely different things, Megumi. Give it your all. It's okay to be selfish!

Megumi's narrative challenge goes beyond learning that it's okay to be selfish sometimes though, he's tasked with learning to cultivate a sense of self where he has none previously. You se Megumi is the most Jungian of Jung characters in the Jung manga, his power is literally the treasures he keeps hidden in his shadow. He's someone who continually fails to live up to his potential. He has no looked in his shadow at all whatsoever and therefore he's completly stunted in his development. His goal is to develop the ten shadows figuratively, but literally it's too cultivate a sense of self and reach adulthood as a fully grown individual and not the helpless child he is currently. He even is the first ten shadows user to develop a domain expansion, a domain expansion is a sorcerer using their innate domain (personal inner world) onto the outer world.

Megumi's endpoint is individuation (the process through which a person achieves a sense of individuality separate from the idenities of others and begins to consciously exist as a human in the world.)

As Jung Stated:

The aim of individuation is nothing less than to divest the self of the false wrappings of the persona, on the one hand and the suggestive power of primordial images on the other.

Jung's two theories on selfhood was divided between persona (what we are for other people) and the shadow (what we suppress about ourselves subconscious images we are controlled by). Here we have Megumi, someone who puts on the persona of being a mature, serious individual to survive in the world of adults, and also has the ten shadows which are representative of the suppressed undercurrents of violence but also his self-sabotage that Gojo identifies, suppressed emotions he is unconsciously controlled by. Both of these identities are Megumi and neither of them are.

Megumi's not a fully realized individual because he doesn't have a balanced sense of self at all, or even any sense of self because his two sides are all out of whack. In Jungian terminology the shadow is made up of primordial images shared by all of society, and what is more primordial then being literally possessed by a curse that's a character based off of a folk legend of ryomen sukuna in the real world.

Integration of the shadow is necessary for the process of individuation, Jung even names a confrontation with the shadow as a prerequisite for moral growth.

“The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge.”

Once again connecting back to Kohlberg's terms of moral development loosely, children see morals in terms of just outside consequences being applied to them. A child thinks "I can't steal this cookie because the adult who is the enforcer of morals told me it's wrong and will punish me." The final step of moral development is to create your own morals which apply to the world around you. Jung calls the shadow a moral problem because you have to become conscious that you yourself are capable of being wrong in order to properly render judgement on yourself. You can't judge yourself, or reflect on yourself, if you don't look at yourself properly, or ignore half of what you are because you don't want to see the bad in you.

The encoutner with theshadow and the confrontation with the beast is the first step of individuation, and what is Ryomen Sukuna if not one big shadow representing all the evils and selfishness of mankind. A cruel reflection of both Megumi, but also Gojo and Toji. Megumi, Sukuna says, this is how Gojo and Toji lived. They lived fighting from others and simply taking what they wanted, and no one could take from them.

It's extra ironic that Megumi is a blessing, and Sukuna refers to himself as an unwanted child.

Translation by @kaibutsushidousha

Sukuna is clearly a result of climbing to the top of the food chain after being thrown to the wolves, something which Megumi could become if he learned to wield his power that way and something arguably Gojo tried to push him towards (at least in the sense that Gojo wants to craft Megumi into a successor, into another Gojo). Megumi isn't nearly on Sukuna's level, but Megumi could become Sukuna, someone who only ever wields their power for themselves and only cares about being the strongest. That kind of person would never experience loss and discomfort the way Megumi did when he helplessly watched Tsumiki die. Sukuna is funcitoning as a beast for Megumi to compare himself to, even making Megumi himself feel guilty by getting Tsumiki's blood on his hands via killing her with his technique.

Kenjaku: What's the point of soaking in it? Ura Ume: To be near evil, and to submerge Megumi Fushiguro's soul.

Megumi has to confront Sukuna to learn that he is not like Sukuna. The other option is remaining helpless inside of Sukuna and just letting Sukuna completely have control. Regaining control of his body, and also discovering himself are essentially the same thing in this situation. Jung says that people who are unaware of their shadow, will be controlled by it, or at lest they won't realize that they're the ones messing up when things go wrong and will always attribute it to outside situations like fate instead of realizing they do have control and choices to make.

“The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside as fate. That is to say, when the individual remains undivided and does not become conscious of his inner opposite, the world must perforce act out the conflict and be torn into opposing halves.” (Carl Jung)

To briefly reference another manga.

For Megumi regaining control over his body and assserting himself would also mean accepting that he's the one making choices here, he's the one to blame when things go wrong, and he's responsible. I argued over and over again that Megumi is effectively helpless yes, but that's because he's symbolically a child in order to grow into an adult he would have to learn to take responsibility for his actions like an adult would.

Such a process would also involve having to admit to some degree culpability and fault to his own actions. To become a person living in the world and therefore capable of making mistakes, rather than a dead dinosaur sinking in the tar pits.

“If you imagine someone who is brave enough to withdraw all his projections, then you get an individual who is conscious of a pretty thick shadow. Such a man has saddled himself with new problems and conflicts. He has become a serious problem to himself, as he is now unable to say that they do this or that, they are wrong, and they must be fought against… Such a man knows that whatever is wrong in the world is in himself, and if he only learns to deal with his own shadow he has done something real for the world. He has succeeded in shouldering at least an infinitesimal part of the gigantic, unsolved social problems of our day.” — Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion (1938)

Megumi is obviously not even remotely close to there, not only is he blinded by shadows, but he's been referred to as a fool before this.

Let fate toy with you, before you die like a fool a prophecy which has been hanging over Megumi's head since the Reggie fight. You could take this as foreshadowing for Megumi's death, but honestly that's only if you're interpreting it in the most literal way possible.

Number one, what is fate in Jujutsu Kaisen?

Characters talk about it, but there's no canonical concept of fate. When Megumi asks Angel what God is, Angel says that you can just refer to God as a set of beliefs they have. In a Jungian reading, Fate is just what we attribute to things we think are out of our control but really aren't. It's not fate toying with Megumi, it's outside factors, and Megumi's own perceived lack of agency in his decision making.

Number two, what is death in Jujutsu Kaisen?

Remember this is the most Jung of the Jung manga, and when I hear die like a fool I think Tarot.

The Fool's Journey is a metaphor for the journey through life. Each major arcana card stands for a stage on that journey - an experience that a person must incorporate to realize his wholeness. 

In Tarot a set of 22 major arcana are used as stages in a metaphorical journey where an individual starts out as a newborn, a nobody, and becomes a fully realized individual through a series of stages and trials that prompt self reflection. Megumi would be in this manga the archetypical fool on the fool's journey, because as I said of the four main characters he's the one with the least sense of self and the most helpless. Megumi does not make choices, Megumi is pulled along by the nose.

We begin with the Fool (0), a card of beginnings. The Fool stands for each of us as we begin our journey of life. He is a fool because only a simple soul has the innocent faith to undertake such a journey with all its hazards and pain. At the start of his trip, the Fool is a newborn - fresh, open and spontaneous. The figure on Card 0 has his arms flung wide, and his head held high. He is ready to embrace whatever comes his way, but he is also oblivious to the cliff edge he is about to cross. The Fool is unaware of the hardships he will face as he ventures out to learn the lessons of the world. The Fool stands somewhat outside the rest of the major arcana. Zero is an unusual number. It rests in the exact middle of the number system - poised between the positive and negative. At birth, the Fool is set in the middle of his own individual universe. He is strangely empty (as is zero), but imbued with a desire to go forth and learn. This undertaking would seem to be folly, but is it?

The fool is in the center of his own individual universe, and is also strangely empty, a zero. A person who I'd argue like Megumi has no identity, and has to journey out into the world in order to find one. Once again, I'm arguing Yuji had a normal life for seventeenish years even if he's Kenjaku's science fair project, Nobara was raised in a small village, Megumi is the only person who was born within the small secular world of sorcerers and never experienced anything else (who is also one of the main four characters) and unlike Gojo is helpless and not the strongest dude in existence.

Death is a stage of the fool's journey, it's not the end or even a literal death but a transformation. The fool's journey argues that a symbolic death has to happen of the old self in orderto make room for a new one. Which is true for a lot of things of life, in order to grow into an adult you have to stop being a child. Entering the next stage of life requires leaving behind the last one.

DEATH: The Fool now begins to eliminate old habits and tired approaches. He cuts out nonessentials because he appreciates the basics of life. He goes through endings as he puts the outgrown aspects of his life behind him. He process may seem like dying because it is the death (13) of his familiar self to allow for the growth of a new one. At times this inexorable change seems to be crushing the Fool, but eventually he rises up to discover that death is not a permanent state. It is simply a transition to a new, more fulfilling way of life.

The next stage after death is the temperance, which has you know... an Angel, which there's totally not one of those in Jujutsu Kaisen. While I wouldn't say that JJK is a manga that strictly follows the fool's journey like say Tokyo Ghoul does where you can map out stages of the story to different major arcana, "let fate toy with you before you die like a fool" I think isn't a stretch to connect to the idea of death and what it means to the fool's journey.

Megumi arguably also has to let things die in order to progress as a person. Tsumiki is more or less dead by the beginning of the story. We never see her on her own terms just Megumi's memories and you can't be alive in a memory, there was never any chance of resucing her because we knew she was possessed by Yorozu we were just led into believing she might have been one of the people who awakened a curse technique instead. Megumi in a way as cruel as this sounds needed to let Tsumiki die, because there was nothing he could have done to help her, and he hasn't allowed himself to grieve or mourn her or move past her in any way. His entire identity is built around protecting his princess, but his princess isn't in another castle, she's dead. He needs to find a new identity, a new reason of living, and that can't be Tsumiki or even Yuji because Yuji is just a repeat of Tsumiki even in the sense that both of them are doomed by the narrative.

Megumi needs to let his sister die and mourn her, and that also requires being alive to mourn her when this is all over.

Sukuna: The destruction of Tsumiki Fushiguro will allow me to completely bury Megumi Fushiguro.

Sukuna argues that the death of Tsumiki will be the death of Megumi, but in reality that's just the death of who Megumi used to be. The person who defined himself entirely as being Tsumiki's protector and existing for the sake of her happiness is gone along with Tsumiki, but there's still a chance he could start from scratch. This is what Sukuna compeltely fails to take into account, but then again Sukuna doesn't even understand why people who are weaker than him bother struggling to live in the first place.

Sukuna: Well, allow me to ask. Why are you so weak? You're weak, yet you cling to life. Cotinuing on your path means destruction, yet you wish to be happy as long as possible. You should spend your lives stifling your misery/ Yuji: You should be the one trying to stifle this misery! Suuna: Come coloser. (Hm? Why is he so tough? No, that's not right! It's my cursed energy output that's low!) Damn you, Megumi Fushiguro.

Immediately after seeing this speech about how weak people should stop resisting him because it's futile, watching Yuji continue to resist him sparks inspiration for Megumi to fgiht back from within. All of this showing evidence that Megumi is not doomed, he himself can still move on to form a new identity after this "death" he's experienced of his old ones. In fact it's probably going to be what beats Sukuna, because this is Sukuna's blindspot he doesn't think weak people are capable of resisting him in any way.

Strong and weak are separate categories in his mind, he doesn't think people can grow. But you know, Megumi's whole narrative challenge is to grow up.

Why Megumi, why not Yuji?

Megumi and Yuji are close character foils and a lot of things I said for Megumi could be said for Yuji as well, but I am pretty firm in saying Megumi's going to live instead of either Yuji living, or them both living. As I said this is because of what I think the difference in Yuji and Megumi's arcs are, Megumi is the child that's supposed to grow up that's his backstory, that's what he is symbolically, the child neglected and failed by every adult who came into his life (Toji, Gojo) and by sorcerer society as a whole.

Megumi's goal is individuation, to grow into a fully developed individual, an adult. It would be too tragic even for this manga to have Megumi be neglected and abandoned all his life and then to die like a fool.

Well, wouldn't it be tragic for Yuji, too?

Yes, but Yuji's narrative has been setting us up for that tragedy since the first chapter.

Tragedies aren't just stories where sad things happen, it's a pretty rigidly defined narrative structure. A tragedy just like any story is about set up and pay off. You set up certain ideas early on in the narrative, you prepare your audience for an ending and you deliver on that ending, any last minute flips, twists, unless those are properly set up too are going to be seen as narratively unsatisfying.

Tragedies don't happen because rocks fall and everyone dies. Tragedies in the modern sense happen because of the choices of the characters made over the course of the story, in other words you reap what you sew.

Unlike Megumi's narrative arc which has been setting us up for him to grow up, Yuji's has been setting up the opposite since day one.

Grandpa Itadori: Yuji, you're a strong kid, so help people. It doesn't ahve to be all the time just whenever you can. You may feel lost. Don't expect gratitude. Just help them. When it's your time to go, make sure you're surrounded by others. Don't end up like me.

Yuji's narrative challenge, a literal dying curse given to him by his grandfather is for him to help people in his life so he'll die being surrounded by friends instead of dying alone. Everything Yuji does after that, and swallowing the finger in the first chapter, is contemplating the kind of death he thinks is a "Good/Natural Death" and the kind of ugly and unsatisfying deaths that curses bring on their victims.

Yuji's reason initially for agreeing to be executed is that if he eats all 20 sukuna fingers, then he'll prevent a lot of the unnatural deaths in the world that would have been caused by curses being drawn to those fingers. He draws a line against the abrupt, gruesome, early deaths caused by curses and their victims and the kind of death his grandfather had where he at least had a natural death at the end of a long life.

Death... Well, I can somehow feel death from the school. I'm afraid of dying. I wonder if grndpa was scared of death. No, probably not. I cried because I was sad, not scared. The death I face now, and Grandpa's death... how are they different? You're a strong id, so help epople. He was short-tempered and stubborn. No one went to see him besides me. Don't end up like me, huh? I guess so, but... I think you died peacefully, grandpa. (Faces a curse spirit) This is not a natural death.

No matter who they are, Yuji wants to spare them from an unnatural death, because he on top of that doesn't think he has the right to make judgement calls on who lives and who dies. Yuji is constantly contemplating his own death and what it means from the narrative.

In the Cursed Womb arc, Yuji feels like he can faith his death only for him to become so terrified in the face of fighting a special grade cursed spirit that he loses the ability to keep Sukuna under his control and can't switch back with him after letting him go. Yuji realizes his resolve isnt' as strong as he thinks it is when actually facing death for the first time, but also how to channel those negative emotions into something because he pulls off his first divergent fist in the heat of the motion.

When encountering Junpei and Mahito, not only does Yuji elucidate Junpei on why he doesn't want to make judgement calls on who lives and who dies because even if he inevitably has to be a murderer one day he feels like if he does life will lose its values, he also is confronted with Mahito the antithesis of Yuji's beliefs. Mahito's way of killing is to mutilate humans so horribly they are begging for death, the unnatural death possible. He creates victims who Yuji cannot save and cannot bring a natural death, only be mercy killed, and he creates another one of Junpei right in front of Yuji just as he was on the brink of saving Junpei from his unnatural early death and sparing him instead of hunting him down and killing him as a curse user as he is supposed to.

In The Origin of Obeidence / Death Painting Arc not only does Yuji realize the two people he's killed are living beings who cried for their family members (also his brothers what a twist), but also he is told face to face by Sukuna that his action of eating the first cursed finger which he thought would make less curses appear in the world, actually caused the curse fingers to resonate and draw stronger curses to them. The action that he thought would save more people in the long term, has in fact, killed some people in the short term because of this resonance.

In the Shibuya arc, basically everything is thrown in Yuji's face, what was foreshadowed in the previous arc that eating the fingers with Sukuna might not save a bunch of people in the long term turns out to be true. Now no matter how many people he could save by offering himself to be executed after eating all 20 fingers, Yuji still has caused the massacre of thousands in Shibuya because of eating the finger.

In the aftermath Yuji is mindlessly killing curses as a cog, until at least Megumi shows up and begs for Yuji to "start by saving me..."

Yuji's arc is a self-reflection and contemplation on death, and his goal is to die on his own terms, but also to die surrounded by people unlike his grandpa who would die alone.

Now, Yuji is currently the only character who has any interest at all in saving Megumi as a first priority (everyone else constantly just talks about the need to put Sukuna down first).

Saving Megumi at the cost of his life, fulfills Yuji's two narrative goals, helping people, and also dying surrounded by others. He also would be rejecting the cog mindset, because Jujutsu Society would say kill Megumi for the greater good above all else, it's what everyone else in this situation is prioritizing first. It's also fulfilling Megumi's request to Yuji "start by saving me..."

Yuji's death is tragic yes, but it would end in a way that's satisfying to his narrative arc. Yuji gets to determine the way he wants to die, and he dies out of choice, not as an unthinking cog, and not alone. Gojo's death is tragic, but it's also satisfying to his narrative, he wanted to live to be the strongest and using his strength selfishly even accomplishing some selfless goals and protecting others for selfish reasons and he got to go out on his own terms.

Yuji is the cage that Kenjaku built to contain Sukuna, and Yuji can probably devise some way to take Sukuna back from Megumi so he can choose once again to die on his own terms, this time at least for the sake of saving a friend who he can die beside.

Megumi's death would be tragic, and also unsatisfying to his narrative, because he wouldn't get the chance to grow up. He's not dying according to his own choice here either, if he's killed alongside Sukuna then he's being mercy killed, or sacrificed for the greater good (the greater good). Megumi didn't choose to get possessed, and if he's killed here by Yuji, or Yuta, or Maki or whoever he's not choosing to die either, or even getting to die fighting like Gojo did.

Jujutsu Kaisen is a tragedy, but it's also one where we have been telegraphed by the narrator that the society will have changed by the end of the narrative. The central goal of the narrative is to allow these ids to grow up in a better world, and become fully realized adults and in order to do that a few of the kids actually have to survive to adulthood. I argue that Megumi will be the one to survive, because he's the most childish, and with the most growing to do. It will still be tragic in a way, Megumi who only lives for others, having to learn to live for himself is about as bittersweet as you can get. However, if Megumi's narrative goal is to learn to live without Tsumiki, without Yuji, then the only way for him to do that is well... to live. Even if it's lonely, or hard, Megumi needs to live on past the end of the manga.

[laurents-laces]

It took me 84 years, but here's the notes for Pacat's Instagram live on January 22, 2022! You can find previous summaries here. This time I added a section for things that involve both capri and dark rise because there was a lot of that.

“It’s funny, I tend to write, as I think back on Dark Rise and then before that, Captive Prince, I tend to write these book ones that kind of don't necessarily reveal themselves until the end or cohere until the end or maybe are written for the re-read rather than necessarily for the first read… I kind of have this philosophy that difficult pleasures are the most enjoyable because you have to work to achieve them, and so you know, I like the idea that you get rewarded at the end of Dark Rise for reaching the end.”

Important Updates

There has been some progress on the capri News™, though it was epically delayed by the pandemic. It’s not a fourth book, hardcovers, Laurent’s POV, or a TV series

There were updates about Dark Rise and Fence too but none of it is news anymore because this happened so long ago. The capri fandom is just unlucky like that

Pacat has a new project! It’s very different and is more adult in tone than his previous works. It’s kind of monster-horror-gore, he’s been wanting to do something with a shounen horror vibe like Berserk or Attack on Titan. It’s coming in the distant future, not soon

Captive Prince

Pacat hasn't heard of the capri fandom term Smaurent (small Laurent) but thinks that the idea of him does exist in the books as he was a very different person as a young child. Pacat likes writing characters who explore the idea that one’s past leaves fingerprints on one’s present self and Laurent is the most extreme version of this that she’s written

A fan said that they think of “Damianos V” as being a roman numeral, so that Damen would be the fifth King Damianos. Pacat really liked the idea

Pacat cried for a really long time while writing Nicaise’s death scene. Got a few strange looks as he sat in the Melbourne State Library with tears streaming down his face for a few hours. Nicaise’s death was planned from the beginning, he was always a bittersweet character to write

Laurent is such a private person. Writing more from his POV would risk exploding the mystery of his character and might kill some of the tension in capri

The capri News is like a missive from Rohan- it's on its way and it'll arrive at some point, just when you need it most

A fourth capri book isn’t completely out of the question but there isn’t one planned for now

The Brazilian capri covers are their own thing but they don’t represent the books well. They have a very dark-ages-hard-masc-medieval aesthetic

How tall is Damen? Laurent thinks that he’s a foot taller and that sometimes it feels like more

Orlant: Rough exterior, heart of gold, didn't deserve what happened to him

Pacat pronounces Vere like Veer (veer off course) but that is not the correct pronunciation that Laurent and the Veretians use so feel free to pronounce it how you want

Pacat wasn’t really involved in the art for the Japanese edition but has been a fan of Chinatsu Kurahana for a long time. Usually the author doesn’t get much input for foreign editions. The Japanese publisher was very welcoming and let Pacat have some input, but he was such a fan of the artist that he let her do whatever her vision was. He gave a bit of a description for clothing but didn’t tweak any character concepts once they were drawn because he likes having different versions of the characters in different media. We shouldn’t think of it as an official version of the characters or as Laurent’s canon hair length

Dark Rise

The submission date for the Dark Heir manuscript was June 2022. At the time of this live, Pacat was just past writing the midpoint of the first draft, heading towards the climax. The climax has been planned for a long time

We absolutely get James's POV in Dark Heir. Pacat had just finished writing one of his chapters when this live happened

How would Anharion describe Sarcean in one word? The answer would change depending on whether Anharion was wearing the collar. If he was wearing it he would say whatever Sarcean wanted him to say

James is not named after the gay king james (James I of England)

We will find out about James’s mother at some point, either in book 2 or later

Pacat’s current favourite Dark Rise character to write is a new character from book two

It was important that the stewards were racially diverse. When Pacat was pitching Dark Rise he had little pictures of the characters to show what the aesthetic of the book is, it was art that he found online. Things might have changed since then but this was three or four years ago and it was really hard to find fantasy imagery of non-white characters. If you wanted to find mages or warriors in suits of armor, all the artwork had white characters. So he wanted to include different types of people in the traditional western fantasy aesthetic

Favourite part of Dark Rise #1 is the ending because it was all of the pieces falling into place

Cyprian’s surname is not St. Clair but saying more than that would be a spoiler

Stewards have family in the outside world

Pacat would love to write short stories for Dark Rise like the ones for capri but she’s a slow writer so it would be some time in the future

Dark Rise/Capri

Justice’s appearance wasn’t specifically influenced by danmei, he has long hair because all the Stewards have long hair. The Stewards have long hair because everyone in the Old World had long hair and the Stewards carry on the sacred traditions of the past. This was inspired by the delightful long-haired-Laurent contingent in the capri fandom because they were so underserved by Captive Prince. No one in capri other than Ancel has really long, butt-length hair so Pacat wanted to change that in a new series

Where do you get inspiration for jewelry like Nicaise’s earring or James’s collar? Pacat has been thinking lately about the importance of creating a strong visual aesthetic for a character. The earring was created as a plot device. It’s long because it had to be very gaudy and noticeable because Laurent would use it as a disguise later, and it has blue sapphires because blue is Laurent’s colour. It's one single earring instead of a pair because it felt more poignant as a memento. The earring was more about purpose than aesthetics, but Pacat paid more attention to aesthetics in Dark Rise. When working on Fence, Johanna is so good at creating characters with an iconic visual look, and Pacat was thinking about that when he created James. He started with the idea of red because it's the colour of blood. The collar started off as a necklace that was a drop of blood, but it was changed to be more interesting and to have more of an impact. Pacat often thinks about the scene from the Hunger Games when Katniss is about to prove herself to the sponsors and they're not paying attention to her so she shoots the apple in the boar's mouth. A lesser author would’ve had her nail the bullseye but Suzanne Collins souped it up one more level, to come up with something slightly cooler or more imaginative. So Pacat goes through his finished drafts and thinks, is there anything I can turn up to 11? And the necklace wasn't at 11. So he thought about making it a choker, then a collar. A choker with rubies looks like a slit throat and that’s a very cool image, so that’s what it was changed to

Pacat is an only child so Tom and Auguste as older brothers aren’t based on personal experiences, but the idea of siblings has a strong importance to her. Dark Rise is dedicated to her half-sister Mandy who committed suicide when she was 15, which was the year Pacat was born

Fence Comic

The process of creating Fence: First Pacat writes the script, then it gets sent to the illustrator Johanna. It goes through a few rounds of notes where the two of them talk about the kinds of things they want to see happen, what would be cute or great in the upcoming storyline, and then Johanna does sketches. Then art edits happen, but usually the art is so incredible that it doesn’t need many edits so the only usual change is to make sure that Nicholas is left handed when he’s fencing. Then Boom (the publisher) looks over it before it goes to inks, then to the colourist Joana Lafuente, then to Jim Campbell for lettering. Jim places the speech bubbles and fits the script onto the page. Where the bubbles are placed and which words are emphasized makes a big impact on the flow of the script. Then everything gets sent back to Pacat for proofreading and editing of the lettering and then it’s done

Pacat worked very closely with Sarah Rees Brennan on the fence novels. They talked a lot about how events would play out, biographical details of the characters, made canon compliance edits, saw the books at every level and loved them. It’s impressive how Sarah can turn on a dime between two sets of opposing feelings when transitioning between emotions. Her books have a lot of wit and charm but also a lot of hard-hitting emotion

There was information about Rise and a preview but I'll skip over that part because it's already out now

Personal

When creating characters, Pacat often thinks of them in terms of dynamics they’ll have with other characters, or what they want to achieve, or what kind of archetype they resonate with, or how to build a backstory that gives them layers. Characters are interesting when they have more than one motivation, when they look one way on the surface but then different aspects of them from the past are revealed

Pacat was an Earth sciences major

Pacat chooses all the fanart friday posts himself and then his assistant Hannah sends a request to the artist

Least favourite book trope: band of misfits who save the world through a hail mary pass. Pacat likes a highly confident crew, not a small rabble of people who fluke their way into saving the world. It's not a bad trope, he doesn't know why he doesn't like it. He doesn't like Firefly because of this trope

He often reads fanfic on ao3 for more of a story than was in the original or more of a dynamic that was underserved in the original. But authors can’t read fic of their own works for copyright reasons

Owns multiple copies of the Lymond Chronicles. Book four is her favourite because the ending is so intense and devastating. Pacat often thinks of that ending when deciding what to do with her own works because most authors would’ve chickened out of writing an ending like that. She read book one for the first time in a restaurant at 9:00am and stayed there until she finished the book. She probably looked like a mess because of all the laughing and crying, and at one point one of the waiters came over to bring her a handkerchief and said “are you okay?” and Pacat said “I’m just at a really intense part right now"

Pacat does brainstorming sessions with friends to come up with ideas for books and looks at art books for inspiration

He’s reading the BL manga Twittering Birds Never Fly

Danmei dramas/web novels are really long so he isn’t familiar with most of them, but he ordered MDZS and he’s looking forward to reading it because he’s heard a lot of good things about it

Pacat doesn’t usually like love triangles, whenever he ships something in a love triangle he ends up choosing the unlucky guy. He liked Gale more than Peeta and liked Edgar more than Heathcliffe

[shaylixie]

Coming Home

Word Count: 2.5k

Genre: Angst. Fluff. Smut.

Pairing: Bang Chan x fem!reader

Requested: No.

Part 1

Summary: Now in South Africa after the fight, you get an unexpected visitor.

Warnings / Contains: Language; smut. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT.

A/N: Looks like this fic may end up having several parts...☺️ As always, enjoy! Feedback welcomed.🤍

It's been a few days and you're finally settled in at home in your house that you never sold. Your mom has been staying with you, nursing you while you deal with your heartbreak. It's a heartbreak of her own too - even though she only met Chan twice, she loved him. Truly adored him. They called every week and spoke almost as much as you did.

You had only exchanged one message with Chan.

- "I love you, y/n."

- "I'll always love you, Christopher."

- "Come home to me?"

You could picture his pleading eyes...his gentle voice that he always used for you.

You didn't reply.

Now sitting on the couch, your phone forgotten in your room, you cried on your mom's shoulder. There was a knock on the door and your best friend came in with packets of God knows what and a whole lot of love. You had a mutually tearful and bittersweet reunion and then you switched to crying on her shoulder, recounting everything. She held you and soothed you and your mom looked upon her gratefully. They had always been close too. Eventually, you stopped crying and your friend accompanied you to the bathroom where you washed your face and tried to freshen up.

"Hey, I brought your favourite snacks and drinks. That hill we always used to go to as teens...it's still our spot, huh? Let's go. It'll be fun! You need some fresh air, babe."

You agreed reluctantly and kissed your mom goodbye. Getting into the car, your friend put on all your favourite music, which cheered you up just a little. You recounted all the stories from your years together as your drove until you were genuinely laughing. You felt lighter already, and you were grateful for your friend next to you. God, how you missed her. You went on to have what you didn't realise at the time was one of the most healing, memorable times with your best friend whom you adored.

-

When you came back home, there were three things you didn't expect. Your best friend about to throw her shoe; your mom looking guilty but happy; and Chan. In your house. In South Africa. And not in South Korea. But here. In South Africa. Where you live.

If you weren't frozen in place, you would have turned around and walked out - not because you were upset at seeing him, but just because you were so shocked, you didn't know what to do. But instead, that shock kept you rooted in place, staring at him. It's only when your mom shouted your best friend's name, followed by a "NO, DON'T!!" did you realise what was happening. You unfrozen just in time to see your best friend's shoe sail past Chan, who dodged it just in time. She stepped forward ready to do...something, and you held her back.

"Y/b/f/n, it's okay. It's not his fault. It's okay."

You stepped in front of her and then walked slowly towards Chan, as if not believing he's actually there.

"I'm so sorry...I can explain..." says Chan, looking sheepily between you and your best friend.

"You better," she replied. "But I don't want to hear it. Tell y/n."

She turned towards your mother and put her arm around her shoulders, guiding her out of the room doing a subtle, awkward hop without her right shoe. It was now just you and Chan.

"What are you...how are you here? How did you even-...I never told you-" you start.

"Shhh, shhh," Chan cooes, stepping towards you and cradling your head. You don't stop him. "I called your mom...told her I'm booking a ticket to see you and I'm not taking no for an answer. We spoke for a while and then she gave me this address. I had to see you, y/n."

"Why?" you ask, tears pricking the back of your eyes.

"Because I can't live without you. Because I'd rather travel 17 hours to see you be upset with me than live another second without you. I don't care what you say, y/n...whether you believe you "deserve me" or not...I'm here because I love you. I'm in love with you. And yeah, shit hasn't been great between us lately, and we're both at fault for that - but I want to fix it, and I know you do too. You're pushing me away because you think you don't deserve me for whatever reason, but it's not gonna work. I see right through you. I know you love me, whether you want to or not."

"But I don't deserve you, Chris," the tears falling down your cheek as you step back to look at him. "I said some horrible things. You're so good to me...so so good to me. And I was a total bitch. I took my anger and frustration and exhaustion out on you and...and "I'm sorry" will never be enough. You deserve to be treated completely opposite to how I treated you...it wasn't fair on you. It'll never be okay."

"So you'd treat me like that again?" he asks.

"What? No! Never again! I'll never make that mistake again," you say earnestly.

"Exactly my point. You know you made a mistake and you don't plan on repeating it. And so did I. Fuck, y/n. I wasn't any better myself. We were both toxic in that moment...but we can be better. Together. I'm willing to try if you are...and there's no one else I'd rather try with. This is our first big fight...and hopefully our last if we can help it. In a way, it's good, because now we know what boundaries we need and where we went wrong. We can heal together. That's what relationships are for, right? We might make mistakes but as long as they're not detrimental to us and we can learn and grow together, then we should. You feel like a monster rn...I know because so do I. But...but we don't have to stay monsters. We can heal. Together. If you'll have me..."

He steps towards you, as if in invitation, and you can't help it any longer. Chan's words shift something in you. You knew you could never live without him either, no matter how hard you'd try. You know that you never wanted to leave him in the first place. And you know that, if he's willing to give you a chance after all that, you're willing to make it up to him - to treat him better than you ever had before and to become someone who does deserve him, who is worthy of him, because you refuse to see him with anyone that isn't you. You refuse to let this beautiful, perfect man go. You crash into him and hold him against you, not planning to let go. This is where you belong. Whether on one continent or another, you belong with Chan. And he belongs with you. He lifts you up and holds you against him, your legs wrapped against his waist and your head on his shoulder, tears soaking his shirt. You feel his own tears fall onto you, and the two of you stay holding each other.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you," you say softly. "And for raising my voice at you like that...I promise to never do it again. Not if it's in anger. I'll speak to you with respect, no matter what. Because I respect you, Chan. And I'm sorry for not acting like it before."

He smiles against you. "I'm sorry for raising my voice at you too, y/n. And for swearing at you. I promise to never shout at you and swear at you in anger ever again, no matter how mad I get. Okay, sweetheart? I'm sorry."

You squeeze him for a second. "I forgive you. I'm sorry too. So so sorry, Chris."

"I forgive you, baby."

You chuckle then. "Boundaries, right?"

He laughs into your shoulder. "See? We're doing a good job already."

From the other side of the door, you hear a pair of sniffs. Rolling your eyes as Chan laughs and puts you down, you call out, "You can come in now!"

Your mom and best friend stumble in, not bothering to hide their tears.

"So much for privacy huh?" you giggle.

"We weren't eavesdropping at first, but..." your best friend starts.

"-it's not our fault you two speak so loud!" your mother finishes. "Come here, my son!" she calls out to Chan before swallowing him in her embrace.

Your best friend pulls you into an embrace of her own and then wipes your cheeks as you do the same for her. She sighs. "Guess I have to apologise now." You can't help but bark out a laugh.

She turns to Chan. "Chan...I'm sorry for throwing my shoe at you. I was just really mad that you hurt my best friend. I'm also sorry it missed...I think it would have made a funny story if you did get hit by it- Ow!" she yelps as you elbow her playfully. She sighs again. "No but really, I am sorry. I threw it without even thinking about how you travelled all the way here just for her...I just saw you and got mad. I'm sorry. I hope we can start off on a better note from now?"

Chan can't help but laugh before he pulls your best friend into a hug. "It's okay. I'm glad my girl has someone like you looking out for her, throwing shoes and all. And I deserved it, to be honest. I'm also sorry it missed."

"Chan!" you shout. "I mean...Chan!" you whisper-shout. "Don't say that."

He laughs at your poor yet playful attempt to conform to the new boundary, and walks to pick up your friend's shoe for her. "Here. Allow me."

He slips it onto her foot and she looks at you, fighting a grin. "Maybe he is a keeper..."

You all laugh, and your mother holds Chan once more, making your heart swell at your little family.

-

That evening, you all dined together and then hugged your mom and your best friend goodbye. You turned to look at Chan then...really look at him. You held his waist as you admired his strong nose ridge, his full lips and his tired eyes, the puffiness of it from all the crying you both did. But standing here in your kitchen, in your house here in your home country, he looked as handsome as ever. Had he gotten even more handsome? You couldn't tell. Chan's ears were turning red now.

"What?"

"Nothing," you giggled. "May I kiss you?"

It was Chan's turn to giggle.

"You may, my lady."

You pressed your lips against his, and he returned the favour. You savoured the feeling of his soft, plump, lips moving smoothly against yours. You couldn't help it. You let out a soft moan, making Chan smile against you.

"God, I missed this," he whispers. "I missed you. So much. I missed making you moan like this."

"Mhm? Like what, Chan?"

"Like this, baby."

He kissed you again, more deliberately this time. His lips moved in time with yours, and he sucked your bottom lip for a second, asking for entry. You submitted. He slipped the tip of his tongue in your mouth, stealing a quick taste. At the feel of your tongue against his, he pulled you stark against him, and then manoeuvred his tongue in deeper, fully tasting you now. His tongue moved softly, deftly, agonisingly against yours. He twisted it around your own, and you followed him before he moved to suck on your lip, biting it softly, making you moan that sweet moan that he loves so much. Reluctantly, he broke the kiss.

"Mmmm, like that," he said, his voice softer and thicker now.

You gazed at him for a long second and the ran your hands through his messy curls, down his face to his neck. You leaned against him as you tip toed to press soft kisses to his neck, letting them become progressively sloppier as you went down. You fumbled with the edge of his shirt, and he pulled it off within seconds. You continued kissing and sucking and licking a trail until you were on your knees before him. Your fingers went to the drawstrings of his sweatpants and undid them, but before you pulled his pants down, you looked up at him.

"Can I make it up to you, baby? Or at least start? Promise I'll make you feel good. Promise I'll show you how sorry I am..."

"Fuck," he breathed out. He gathered your hair in a messy pony tail and then said, "Yes, princess."

You pulled his sweats and his boxers down then and watched as his painfully hard cock sprung free. You kitten licked his pre cum once as he threw his head back, shutting his eyes. You kissed his red, swollen tip then and looked at him, his eyes still squeezed shut. Kissing down his long, thick length, you gently grabbed his balls and began massaging them.

"Y/n, please," Chan moaned.

You licked from the bottom of his cock to the tip, where more pre cum pooled. "I know, Channie, I know." You took him as far as you could into your throat then and stayed there for a few seconds, gagging. Chris moaned and you started moving then, bobbing your head up and down and pumping your fist over what your mouth couldn't reach. You found your rhythm and started moving in a way that made Chan grip the counter behind him, moaning your name.

"That's it, baby girl. Just like that. Ahhh- fuck...I'm...I'm not gonna last long-"

You pulled back and continued pumping his length with your hands. "You wanna cum in my mouth, Channie?" You licked his tip again, tongue tracing his slit. He shivered and cursed.

"Fuck, please y/n. Please, baby."

You buried his cock in your throat again then, sucking him and coating the throbbing cock in your spit. Chan couldn't hold it back anymore. He pushed your head gently as far against his pelvis as you could manage and came, spilling himself down your throat. You swallowed every bit of it and licked your lips, breathing in his delicious musk. Chan slumped against the counter after helping you to your feet.

"That was...that was...shit. It was amazing, baby. You're amazing," he panted out.

You leaned in to kiss him, and he groaned as he tasted himself on your tongue. Once he recovered, he stepped towards you and pulled off your own top, pleased to see no bra. He tugged on one nipple with his teeth before licking it and blowing on it. You moaned his name, and begged him to kiss you. He obliged as his hands moved to your waistband, taking your own pants off. Leaving you in only your panties, Chan picked you up and lifted you over his shoulder, causing you to squeal. He slapped your ass, grinning, and then walked into your bedroom, dropping you excitedly on the bed, hard again at the thought of all he's going to do to you tonight.

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