#it’s very gross and painful and im having a hell of a time with my new insurance

[sleepyjim2]

yap sesh in the tags ! <3 nothing new im just frustrated abt my disordered sleep schedule as always . woke up at 5 pm and i will probably be failing my All Dayer and going to sleep shortly At 8 am and then sleeping for 1 billion years

[whorelaud]

꒦꒷ 𓈒 𓈒 𓈒 hushed fantasies ¡

pairing brother's best friend¡nicholas chavez x fem¡reader

summary thinking you were messaging your friend, you accidentally sent your brother's best friend a thirsty paragraph about him, with Nicholas opening it before you get a chance to delete it. what you were not expecting was the leading conversation, causing realization to wash over you as he hints your desire is not one-sided after all.

contains suggestive, sexual tension, a bit of dirty talking, a brief kiss, flustered reader, cocky nic, hes also very freaky (uhh???)

a/n this is the silliest thing ive ever written i was giggling the whole time while writing it. likes and reblogs are v much appreciated!!!

word count 1.7k

You: the amount of self control i have is insane because why do i not have this mans dick in my mouth rn please i need nic so fucking bad its not even funny anymore he is everything i want in life id let him use me any day morning afternoon n night im available ugh i dont even get the ick when its him he was acting like a dad earlier yelling at us to grill the meat right and it was so adorable ill call you daddy u want me to call u sir i dont kink shame im down for whatever king omg stop he got hurt earlier and he GROANED???? i almost fell to my knees YAHOOO he definitely whimpers #needthat 10/10 i just know its thick ooh tip pink shade #d97e77 thats insane till my knees are bruised and my throats scratched my panties fell tears are rolling down my thighs OMG PLS can you feel my pain hes so bodangshis how does my brother look at him and not wanna fuck him id be all over him if that was my friend gahhhd!!! hes actually so sweet he kept speaking to me earlier so i dont feel left out of the conversation and i find that adorable do u think he slaps it before he cums oh my his girlfriends so lucky im ab to put her in a headlock ahaha this is gross no man should have this much of an impact on u unless their dick is big and the sex is absolutely amazing yooo what he probably knows how to please a lady id be hard if i had a dick rn STOPP he has a happy trail im gonna lose it hahah lets find out where it leads i dont wanna think ab that im going crazy literally pulling my hair out that should be u baby GIVE ME A CHANCE?!!!! thinking ab him makes me so nervous this is getting a little too srs ahaha okay im sorry hows life?!? i miss u :(

Sending that message, you were anything but expecting the response you got in return, not from the man himself, that’s for sure.

nic: oh?

nic: i think you got the wrong person

You audibly gasp, realization washing over you as you read over the message. That was, in fact, not for Nicholas, nor was it for anyone but your friend to see.

You panic, putting your phone down to process what happened, needing a moment before responding. Right, you needed to do that.

But why did he see it so fast? He didn't even give you time to comprehend your message, the text switching to read in an instant.

Hell, it was midnight, and it’s been a long, tiring day for the both of you, having been out the whole afternoon, merely to come back to the hotel and spend more time with your other friends.

Everyone decided to end the night off early; early being a bit before midnight, with you heading to your room afterwards. Your brother and his best friend shared the room taking place next to yours, making it easy to reach out to him.

And for that, you were grateful since Nicholas was with him; meaning you got to see more of him throughout this trip.

You’ve had a crush on Nicholas for god knows how long, with it starting the moment your brother befriended him. You’ve technically gone through all the phases he experienced, hell, you saw him more than your own parents.

He was sweet, a little too sweet, perhaps it bothered you. Nicholas was very known among women, he knew how to attract a lady, showering her with praises until he eventually got what he wanted.

That made you extremely jealous, knowing you couldn't have him. He was forbidden, off-limits, someone you could only admire from afar.

And that stupid crush of yours led to this conversation, one you didn't want to discuss.

You: i didnt mean to send that to you

The text switched from delivered to read right away, causing your breath to catch in your throat.

nic: clearly

nic: i dont have a gf btw

Why did he feel the need to clarify that, and why were you relieved over hearing it?

You buried your face in your pillow, feeling heat reduce from your body. You’ve never been this embarrassed before, not around Nicholas. While you were weird sometimes, it was never this bad.

He wasn't supposed to know about this, nor discover it the way he did.

You: cover your eyes pls

You: this wasn't for u

nic: you sure?

nic: are there any other nics in your life?

Your stomach twisted at the message, hand coming up to cover your mouth as an audible gasp escaped your throat. How could he say that?

You felt all sorts of emotions wash over you, unable to process each one of them as you read the message over and over again.

You: what if there is

The question was risky, it could either end with him telling your brother, or him teasing you over it and brushing it off. Either way, you couldn't have him, so why not just fuck it and go with the flow?

nic: then that would be disappointing.

Your breath caught in your throat, vision going blurry as Nicholas’ bubble kept appearing and disappearing.

nic: id really hate that you feel this way about someone else

Oh my god, were you dreaming?

You could not believe your eyes. You turned off your phone, letting the dimness of the room seep through for a moment before you unlocked your device once again, heart skipping a beat when you realized it was real.

Nicholas, your brother’s best friend, might have been flirting with you, but that’s just in your head, right…?

You: ??? wdym

nic: you first

nic: was this about me, doll?

The pet name made you weak to your core, spiraling you over the edge as you put your phone down for a second. You took a deep breath, feeling your face heat up at how suggestive the boy sounded.

He sounded so desperate, you weren't sure if it was the tiredness, or him being genuine. Either way, you’re fucked, because you’re willing to do anything for him, even if it means breaking your heart.

You: what if it was

You: what will you do ab it

You felt nauseous as you waited for a response, groaning when the boy disappeared for a minute. Did you say something wrong? Why did he suddenly leave?

nic: then id risk it all

Speechless. Your mouth hung open, chest filling with lust as a breath heaved out of you.

You: are you saying this because you’re tired

nic: no

nic: god no

There was no ounce of self control in your body left. You almost screamed, overwhelmed by a new sense of emotions.

Is this how it felt? Because fucking hell.

You: it is

nic: it is what?

You: this is so embarrassing

You: why are you making me admit it you know exactly what im talking about

nic: baby

nic: jus tell me

You: no you suck im going to sleep

nic: WAIT no come here youre so cute

You blushed at the message, unable to suppress the smile forming on your lips. God, he’s such an idiot. And you were totally swooned for him.

You: i literally just sent you a message talking ab how much i wanna suck your dick what about that is cute

nic: oh? so you do admit it

You: …

You felt nervous, realizing how serious this has gotten. From a silly message turned into you contemplating whether this was a good idea. The last thing you were anticipating while typing that message was a confrontation, one from Nicholas; at that.

nic: you couldve told me yk

You: do you hear yourself

nic: ? what

You: nic you know this is wrong

You: youre gonna wake up tmr and forget all ab it

nic: you knkw

nic: yoirw so fucjinf hot

You came to a halt, noticing the amount of mistakes the boy was making. Your mind wandered somewhere else, feeling heat crawl past your neck, all the way to your face.

You: what are you saying

nic: fucking hell

nic: take the hint baby

You froze in your spot, tongue coming out to wet your lips, suddenly feeling heat travel to in between your legs. Don’t give in, don't give in, don’t give in.

You: what

nic: you couldve asked me if you were curious

nic: i wouldve happily showed you

That sent you over the edge. Your mind went fuzzy, unable to process the last few texts you received from Nicholas. He was being serious, dead serious, you were sure of that.

The texts you exchanged always revolved around your brother; usually Nicholas asking whether he was home or not. However, this one was different.

He was hinting something, something very risky that you were unable to resist.

You: dont say that

nic: what, you don't believe me?

You: nic

nic: give me five

You stared at the message on the screen, confused on what he meant. Your eyebrows furrowed with puzzlement, awaiting a message, merely to get nothing in return.

As you were about to shut your phone and go to sleep, it pinged, the notification startling you awake. You clicked on it immediately, mind going hazy as you read the message over and over again.

nic: open the door

nic: im outside your room

You didn’t hesitate as you got up, swiftly walking your way to the door. You unlocked it with haste, vision going blurry as you caught sight of Nicholas, who was standing inches away from you now.

He looked just as desperate as you were, maybe even more. And that was it, it was all you needed to pull him by the collar and cease the distance between you two.

The moment his lips collided with yours, you realized that maybe it’s worth ending up with a broken heart, because Nicholas tastes fucking addicting, and you found every way to make good use out of that obsession.

The possession of knowing he’s off limits, yet here he was, eagerly kissing you numb.

[stylishanachronism]

The problem with giving up takeout for lent is that I’m not actually up to cooking anything right now and I’m out of instant stuff, which would normally be solved by takeout But

[sxtvrns]

Hihi! Could I request a OT6 p1harmony reaction where the reader is on her period and is cramping? 😭

If not it's COMPLETELY ok and ignore this please!!🙌🏼

Thank you bby🩷

end of discussion, period

🎶 now playing: emergency - p1harmony

P: OT6!P1Harmony + Fem!Reader (platonic)

S: Your best friends are unusually well versed in dealing with that time of the month.

G: fluff, hurt/comfort

N: hey yall if you havent seen my other post i would like to let yall know p1harmony is no longer my ult </3 I CAN STILL WRITE FOR THEM JUST PUT IT IN UR REQS but my profile will end up undergoing a transformation!! anyways ik i picked a silly song for this but this is a silly little fic so enjoy and KEEP THOSE REQUESTS COMING I LOVE GETTING UR LITTLE PROMPTS

please interact if you enjoy!

On the outside, you’re keeping a stone cold expression, hyperfocused on the show playing on your TV. The rest of your place is quiet, the only other audible sound being the running air conditioner in the background.

On the inside, you’re fighting demons as your cramps fight wars in your stomach, the pain constant and increasingly tedious. At this point, the pain had become a nuisance and was at the forefront of your mind.

You were desperately trying to get it to go away because you were supposed to meet with your friends later; so far, the pain doesn’t seem like it will subside.

Of course, every sense was heightened because of your period, including the sense that you’d die on your couch and succumb to the torture of your cramps.

Your friends would be pissed at you for cancelling and you know it. The more you try to move, the more the pain moves around in your stomach. You felt gross and unkept, despite having taken a shower a few minutes ago. This couch was your deathbed, and the ceiling would be last thing you saw before you died.

Slowly, you picked up your phone and texted the group chat.

👤: guys

👤: it’s hell rn

🐺: i mean yeah it’s boiling outside

👤: i can’t go

🐺: WHAT

🐿️: Y/N WE’VE BEEN PLANNING THIS FOR MONTHS

🐯: we planned this 2 weeks ago

👤: IK im sorry but im glued to my couch right now and i can’t get up

🐶: lazy ass

🍟: (*´-`)

👤: i am in physical pain and it very much hurts

🐺: did you get stabbed

🐿️: are you okay

🐺: why aren’t you at the hospital

👤: calm down it’s not that serious

🐯: then why can’t you come?

👤: …

👤: cramps

🐶: ohhhh

🐶: sorry

🐶: you’re not lazy

👤: you better be sorry

🍟: (・∀・)

🐿️: those cramps

👤: yes jiung period cramps

👤: they’re hurting really bad this time and it’s hard for me to move

🐺: stay calm don’t panic

👤: what

🐯: keeho is running around the dorm rn

👤: why

👤: you guys??

👤: hello??????

“Assholes…” You muttered, putting down your phone and accepting your fate.

You shut your eyes, trying to find some sort of relief in the void that is the back of your eyelids, and though it helped distract you, it didn’t exactly help get rid of the pain. On top of that, the guilt you felt for canceling last minute was starting to get to you.

Sure, you only planned this outing 2 weeks ago, but everyone was really looking forward to it. You hoped they’d go without you, but knowing them, they’d rather stub their toe on every surface than do something without you. But it would be such a waste if they didn’t–

“Y/N! Open up!”

You hear a voice yell from outside, along with aggressive pounding on your door, and the confusion overtook the pain as you walked to check who it was.

All 6 of your friends were outside your apartment with grocery bags and panicked expressions, except for Soul. He was staring into the camera. Keeho was knocking on your door rather unintentionally hostile; you knew he was just worried about you.

You slowly unlock the door and let out a soft groan, your voice matching the volume. “Hello?”

“Y/N, sit down.” Jiung gently guides you back to your couch, the rest of them flowing inside with the door closing behind them. You sit down, groaning in pain. “Where’s your heating pad? Why don’t you have it?”

“I was too tired to get up and get it–“

Jongseob suddenly drops it onto your lap, plugging it in and turning it on. You grab it and press it against your abdomen. “This is the setting you like, right?”

“How did you–“

“Made you some tea.” Theo put a mug down on the table, the steam telling of its freshness. Though the temperature doesn’t help with the weather, it would certainly help with your pain. It was even the right flavour too.

Soul put your favourite movie on the TV, and you could hear Keeho and Intak conversing in the kitchen.

“That’s too big, cut it smaller!”

“Not my fault the oranges are huge!”

Their bickering is soft, but you’re brought back to the people in front of you, sitting on the floor and watching the movie.

“Did you guys wanna sit?” You speak up. All of them shake their heads and assure you that they’re okay. Soul suddenly gets up and goes to your room.

“How about you lie down, Y/N? On your stomach?” Theo suggests, and you slowly get into said position, feeling comfier.

“Guys… seriously, what are you doing here?”

Jiung joins you in the living room. “Well, we weren’t just gonna go out without you. And besides, it’s super hot out.”

“Usually we’d be able to handle it, but it feels empty without you there. We can go out another time.”

The oranges Keeho and Intak were bickering over were finally placed on the coffee table in front of you, everyone lunging to grab a slice of their own.

“Most of all, we wanted to help you. At least you won’t have to deal with this on your own.” Keeho says. “Hey, save some for Y/N!” He scolds his group members.

You chuckle. “You guys are seeing me while I’m hot shit.”

“You don’t look any different, Y/N.” Intak adds, sitting down and taking an orange slice for himself.

“Do you guys even know what you’re doing?” They all freeze, staring blankly at you.

“You complain about your period sometimes, so we have a general idea of it…” Soul mutters loud enough for you to hear.

“Are you guys sure you’re okay with… chilling here?” You ask, unsure. They all nod and Theo speaks up. “Your air conditioning is saving us right now. You can kick us out at any time if we hoard it too much.” You chuckle. The next thing you know, you doze off.

For a moment, you’re pulled out of sleep and hear faint bickering.

“The congee is burning!”

“Calm down, it’s just the towel– oh my god, the towel is on fire!”

In this heat and with your pain that’s slowly but surely drifting away, you couldn’t care less.

it’s an emergency! 🎧

[artdcnaldson]

LISTEN artdcnaldson femcel nation is having a spiral session RN?? just in time cuz i was about to come on here w this anyway u all just get me

so i started a new job and we’ve had two trade shows this week and last week and i always see and chat w this really cute videographer ,, today there were models at the show and he was really busy taking content w them we didn’t have time to chat .. it made me like kinda upset i guess (and i was like this is not normal ) i think cuz everytime i find someone attractive the high of having a crush barely lasts a week.. im immediately hit w the painful realization that it’s never going to be me that’s chosen and idk how to become that girl who’s chosen .. and i just feel so lost that no one’s going to want to date (or fuck me) and idk how to change or when things will look up

anyway! i drowned myself in work and cried to the blonde by tv girl on my way home! and considered therapy ! 😭

that’s my contribution to this discussion daddy!! as always i wish u and all my fellow femcel queens healing !! WE GOT THIS 💖

🔮 anon

This is SO true like how do I go from this to being actively desired when it seems like the longer this goes on the smaller my dating pool gets… like it genuinely feels like there’s a huge ticking clock over my head and my options are getting slimmer and slimmer it’s HELL!!!

I probably do need to go to therapy again but the past few times it just has not been very successful bc again… idc what someone else tells me if they’re like “ohhh it’ll happen when you least expect it” or shit like that when I want them to openly tell me what is gross and bad about me so I can cut that part out entirely 😍 also I have a problem with lying or like hiding how I actually feel from therapists bc I want them to think I’m nice and sweet and perfect 🩷

[hatchan]

Memories of being 11 in 2007

becoming grotesquely self-aware of my physical body

acne started and I didn't understand it

pretty much from day 1, pimple 1, I was popping them to just get rid of it, get it out get it out get it out. I'd wash my face with water afterwards but it took me a while to realize that that didn't make my face perfectly clear again. in fact that was probably making it all worse and I'm still a compulsive popper at 30! lol! lmao! lmfao!!!!!!!

hair started growing places and it felt weird and gross and I felt always weird and gross

and wow now I'm bleeding from my nether regions. this is horrible and weird and gross and I just have to DEAL WITH IT???????? started like a week after I turned 11 too

my 11th birthday was at a stable. my parents arranged for my friends and I to ride and hang out with horses and have some pizza and cake. it was fucking awesome. I love horses. that birthday party was probably the highlight of the year for me lmfao being 11 is a difficult ass year

had braces put on me. that shit HURT

went 24+ hours without consuming food upon getting braces. mouth hurty too much, I remember the pain of trying to crunch a potato chip. big fat NOPE

I was angsty as HELL but also, looking back, justified as hell

to try to make myself feel better about how I looked, you know, because the braces and pimples are plummetting my self-esteem and I've become aware of the fact that I exist to other people very recently, I opted to get my hair cut short. MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE EVEN WORSE

it was fun getting to choose different colors for my braces every month. it was my way of "making the best of it" and getting some choice in the whole thing. I don't remember being asked if I wanted braces (its possible I was asked, but I don't remember). I remember it being a "Ya you need braces, here's how its gonna work, let's go" kind of vibe

the KFC popcorn chicken/mashed potato bowlwas my special treat for after appointments. before I stopped eating meat when I turned 12

I noticed that distressed jeans were becoming popular, so I took a pair of scissors to one of my existing jeans. I was gonna get on the trend with holes in my jeans, see. snip-snapped a bunch of holes in my jeans, see. random holes everywhere, see. like on the hips and legs and knees and everywhere, see. I think that's when I mom knew she was in trouble

oh man. I was horrible to my parents.

I was so mad at myself and my circumstances and my unwanted changes and the more awareness I was getting of the world made the world seem like a more-bad-than-good place, and I took it out on my parents a lot.

I found a card in a stationary store that says "I'm sorry for what I said when I was a teenager" and I need to send that to every relative I have

but being 11 is also when I watched anime for the first time. that is, I was on a flight (red eye, overnight) and couldn't sleep so I was flipping through the tv channels on the airplane seat. it was midnight or so EST, but why was there a cartoon playing? I always loved cartoons/animations, so I was down to watch it, but the first thirty seconds of it the dialogue was something like "He's going to kill me.... I'm loosing so.... much... blood!" and it was a fight scene and so MY fight or flight, sheltered child instinct kicked in and I went OH NO THIS IS A GROWNUP CARTOON I SHOULDN'T BE WATCHING THIS ITS VIOLENT AND RATED R!!!!!

it was Fullmetal Alchemist. Edward Elric was fighting the suit of armor that is the Slicer brothers in one body.

later that year, I was similarly flipping through the channels, landed on a scene from Inuyasha (of people talking), but the channel name on the bottom was Adult Swim so I again went OH NOO I CANT SEE THIS IM NOT AN ADULT

I was totally cool with reading about violent acts, that's when I first got into mystery thrillers and serial killer biographies.

my parents started getting grey hair that year.

[bluntforcespatter]

trying's still good too ywy o u g h yeah, i get that. we spent way too much time on the internet too, my system n stuff i mean, to distract from irl stuff. tho ofc that led to. way more stuff happening, but i'm not gonna get into all of it rdgtfnhj but it was def easier to throw ourselves into pixels than deal with irl issues, esp when there were good things among the bad. most of our friends have been online, since ig maybe we aren't really someone ppl are interested in irl =w=;; anyways, i get it in my own ways lol. OHH we were on Quotev when we were younger. still go on at times, but we're way less active. most of our roleplays took place on Amino n Facebook tho which were....yeah lol. still, it was fun. kinda miss doing rp, less for the...acknowledgment of identity ig n more just cuz it was fun. but it's def hard, esp with current issues n such. hell ya, digital bestiess ywy YEAH, yeah. unfortunately i also get the whole...static brain thing. sometimes it calms down but it's been pretty constant over the past...year or two? cuz of stuff. anyways yeah, it's nice to have some sorta physical reminder ywy n yeah np! that all sounds nice =w= hopefully by the time you get this you'll be at home n stuff. n that's fair, good to know drthb i'll try to keep all that in mind ywy aa well thank you, idm the cheese, it's nice. :3 i appreciate it lol n dw about the switching, i get it lol, it was still cohesive n made sense so it's chill :3 - 📺

oh it's cool tht you're a system too !! we have been wanting more sysfriends (°ロ°) ! it's nice to gave people who understand. sort of. like of course all of our experiences are different but. ╮(￣ω￣;)╭ i find other systems are less likely to be like "wtf are you talking about you crazy person" and more likely to just. accept. which is nice.

i do get the Bad Internet Stuff (tm). i simply refuse to think about the bad stuff that happened to me because if i do i will actually disintegrate (◎ ◎) i think im the same way, my best friends are all internet peoples... it's really hard to talk to people in person. i don't make enough eye contact because it causes me physical pain. i've found in person people seem to find me off putting, i get called creepy and weird a lot. i sort of stopped trying to interact with people because of a very bad experience i had when i was 19-20. i do try very hard !! but i think i try way too hard and freak people out. ugh i dunno it's just. yeah. im don't think im someone people like IRL either.

it is super fun to RP !! it's harder for me now because like... people can be gross with it and so i don't like to do it with strangers, but it was SO FUN. i miss world building and doing fanart for everyones charas and stuff... i also used Facebook to RP jskwhshsj i was just pretty popular on QV because of my stories and quizzes n stuff. i was part of the creepypasta craze... Decidedly Normal Now (lying)

＼(＾∀＾)メ(＾∀＾)ノ

my brain is a big swamp bog full of fog. brain is mud soup. no thoughts head empty etc. it isn't great but again we try our best and whatnot ٩(× ×)۶ if you ever need to talk about it, i am allegedly a good listener (￣ ￣|||) i do my best anyways.

and thank you !! i am pleased to hear from you again, thank you very much for this conversation (*^_^*)♡

[punk-rockrz]

Love the art you posted today of Hook tending to Scavenger. The dynamicism of the posing between them both. It's very clear how much pain Scavenger is in, conveyed through his shaking servo and his building tears (I adore the detail of him getting rust too), and I can imagine his bucket tail shuddering as Hook scrapes the rust away from him. The frustration in Hook exudes off your art, and I love how you have written how he speaks. He feels like Hook completely. In his frustration, but his care for Scavenger. (Love his roman nose too...) Also, love the teeth detail. Love Cybertronians with sharp denta, so much, especially within the Con ranks.

Just loved the piece and have been in a massive Hook brainrot since October, so seeing this piece today made my absolute day. I am eager to see more of the dynamic between the Constructicons, especially with Hook as the medic for the Cons/his brothers.

Wowerz thank you! <::) i appreciate this a whole lot for serious

Just for you (and well. Er. An excuse to talk about my thoughts) I'll give you a little look into my awesome epic mind about them...

I think for starts a lotta the stuff I've been making has slowly detached from any one continuity, just because theres so little of the combiners in each one. I mostly just kinda mash together g1 personalities and general idw lore in my brain (you could say honestly that its more of a "idw but pretending the combiners were written like actual characters" more than anything.)

I view the constructicons as having a very weird relationship. Like a secret third thing between friendship and romance (with that im also gonna mention that i completely see them all as separate beings, as in i dont see any combiner team as being related like i learned. Some people apparently do. N id just like to be very clear on that cuz i personally think incest is deeply gross and uncomfortable and the idea of my work being taken as such disturbs me 👍) theyre all simultaneously grossly lovey with each other one moment and then Bonecrusher is trying to throw long haul because he decided he was hogging the remote or something. But as far as decepticons combiners go theyre the most functional as a group. They're in it for life despite the annoyances.

Some other thoughts.ermmm...apolocheese these will be disjointed. Im not very good at being comprehensible. i think gravedigger should exist for Bonecrushers lore. Hes dead as hell. Sorry. Functionism killed his ass and Bonecrusher is radicalized from it.

There is lore to my personal designs too, mainly in the faces. None of them initially had mouths, just the mask then the grinder below it, but hook kinda convinced them all to let him upgrade them (my idea is that mouths are generally seen as better by most, but for him he just wanted to show off on them) they all had their own reasons for taking the opportunity, such as Bonecrusher thinking himself being upgraded was a "fuck you" to others and scavenger thinking hed be liked more easily by others if he had the "better" option. Scrapper was the only one to deny getting the upgrade because he genuinely doesnt see the point. Hook keeps trying to convince him but hes trying less and less as time goes on.

And scavengers rusting yaaaay :D i think he gets those often because he's not the best at remembering his own upkeep and is one who spends a particular amount of time in environments that cause it to spread exponentially quicker. Ends up meaning that hook has to spend hours scrubbing it out of his plating if not replacing entire chunks of him frequently, something that progressively annoys and slightly concerns him and it definitely does nothing good for scavengers self esteem.

Some rapid fire of hook headcanons then I'll wrap up actually, uerrhh if anyone wants to hear my thoughts more though im not opposed to questions abt my thoughts on them and combiners over all. Theyre all chilling out in my brain for the moment it seems like.

- hes skilled in most if not all creative subjects, he almost seems to view creative subjects as his territory to defend, he HAS to be the best at all of it in his mind

- he'd rather die than ever admit to it, but he adores earth fashion and drag shows. He finds them fascinating. Sometimes he's just hiding away to look at videos of drag performances or he's sneaking glances at people he thinks are dressed particularly nicely. He almost wants to take up adding everything related to making clothing to his skillset.

- he wasn't initially a medic, he only picked up the knowledge he initially had for perform progressively more complicated cosmetic procedures. Eventually he got so engrossed in it when the constructicons found themselves partaking in a full blown war, he found himself saddled with the title of medic. Luckily for him its not as unwanted as he expected, finding the work of putting someone together again as satisfying as his actual passions.

- hes also unexpectedly excellent as a medic, any poor con who ends up with him at their repairs almost expects him to rip them apart out of frustration or just sadism, but hes surprisingly one of the gentler ones the decepticons have. Its not necessarily out of care, its just that he'd rather die than mess up anything. The only bad thing anyone can say is that he doesnt see patients as anything more than an object, its easier for him to dedicate himself that way, but it makes for an odd experience for the patient.

- hes the one who least enjoys being a combiner out of all of them. Well, really its more like hes the one with the most conflicted feelings about it. He enjoys the way it gives him more notoriety and power within decepticons, but the idea of people attaching who devastator is to their perception of him makes him shudder. He finds devastator particularly stupid and overly brutish, to be fair an opinion he holds of most, but especially the combined form of him and the others.

- will not be affectionate a single bit with his gestalt unless its extremely private. He doesn't want people having that image of him

- he has issues about control, honestly, particularly related to others perception of him. He hates the idea of anybody seeing him as anything but the image he painstakingly tries to uphold of him

Ummermurm.. thats kinda all i hauve rn. If u read all of that wowie thank you ::) i hope it made sense at all. N thank you once again i real appreciate how much you liked it 🦇🤘

[jyndor]

im the anon you told to fuck off here to say thank you.

i had read about terrorist organizations using that slogan and i had a gut reaction. im a jew and i fear for both muslims and jews with everything that is going on right now. because i read what you wrote and i researched again and i see where propaganda got the better of me (even if those words have been used by terrorists). and i see time and time again where propaganda gets the better of most of us on something as fast paced as the internet.

as i read i remembered. the naz*s took a symbol that was once peaceful and turned it into something the world cannot look at the same way ever again-entirely their fault not the fault of the original culture from which the symbol came.

i dont want to see that happen with words that are truly important and stand for something i do believe in which to be clear: is a free and peaceful palestine where no one has to live in fear.

in saying what i did based off of a gut reaction i made a mistake. i did the same thing i hate from others on the internet which is speaking on an issue before doing further research and i am ashamed of that.

but i am also committed to learning and doing better tomorrow. no one can become an expert in any part of this as quickly as plenty have claimed to. im writing this to share my perspective and as a reminder of fallibility for whatever that is worth.

i think its important for ensuring we dont become what we wish to stand against.

thanks again for sharing your research. you told me to fuck off but ill sign off by wishing you well

anon I'm shook no okay so hold! on the fucking off pls do not fuck off I recant the fucking off. its how I handle anons (I'll explain later) until yall prove you're not trolling or bots or whatever.

it's worth a LOT. like really it's worth a lot. Unfuck off, I would love more people in my orbit who don't just critically engage with criticism but also go on to look into it for themselves. instead of just taking my or someone else's word for it. I try to do that myself because I can be such a fucknugget and sometimes need a good smack lol.

I just want to say I'm sorry that you're experiencing the fear you're experiencing. and um I have jewish cousins and family who I am scared for always, I try not to bring them up bc it feels kind of gross in this context but yeah, I don't want to invalidate your fears.

I mean what the n*zis did with that symbol is a whole other thing and I don't feel like I should speak on it other than to say fuck n*zis they ruin everything they touch. I liken this more to the way that black lives matter gets misconstrued because I know more about the history of that phrase than I do about that symbol you're talking about. I also don't like to bring up n*zism in the context of israel/palestine because actually almost every time I have seen that comparison with israel, it is a cheap shot at jewish people. Like in a youtube comments section or something, not thoughtful discourse - because tbh these are very, very different situations and the comparisons could be made of almost any other genocide, but like the commenter knows it's a painful thing for jewish people and so like I said, it's a cheap shot that's easy to take and says more about them than it does about palestinian liberation or israeli apartheid.

I know plenty of anti-zionist jewish people do actually talk about the shoah in the context of why they support palestinian rights but for me it just doesn't feel right.

and yeah i understand falling for shit - I've done it, it's easy as hell to read something and feel like it's right, like yeah I personally don't actually say from the river to the sea all that often, you won't find it as a tag on my blog because I think it's best coming from palestinians?

you're totally right - no one can possibly learn the history quickly. It's taken me 16 years to feel like I am actually relatively well versed in the history and I'm not even well versed, I'm just decently versed lol. and if you add into it the propaganda that we've all been told for years, and then the added generational trauma you have? of course it's hard to fight gut reactions because often they're somewhat based in experiences we've had or others have had.

the reason I told you as an anon to fuck off is because of my history and views towards anonymous asks more than anything else, btw. THAT is a gut reaction but it is also informed by my experiences. I hope this maybe explains why I may sometimes come off a little harsh towards anons (and why I decided to turn them off - until rebelcaptain secret santa forced me to open them back up lol).

so I used to love to keep anonymous on because I know that a lot of people don't feel comfortable reaching out for a number of reasons and I wanted to remain accessible as a user of this shithole site lol. however what happens is sometimes, a lot of times, people will just be saying anything. and then they'll say "I'm an x person and y is true" and often people getting those anons will be really well-meaning and just accept it at face value. because genuinely so many people want to be on the side of marginalized groups and want to be good allies. and so shitty people will just be saying bullshit about whatever, and people who may not understand the details of whatever situation anon is talking about will say, "oh shit I didn't realize that! Thanks for educating me!"

and often it is legit! and it's also important to remember that no group is monolithic, so if an anon comes into my ask box saying that they are from, idk let's say, venezuela. i don't know a whole lot about venezuela. I know there is a lot of propaganda and shit from the us, and I know that there are class dynamics and racial dynamics that I vaguely understand because I have a relatively okay understanding of the entire region but it's not good enough to hold up more than a little bit under any kind of actual pressure like being told something by someone who claims to be venezuelan and says that everyone is actually indigenous (which i do understand to be indigenous erasure), and so it would be more comfortable for me to just say, "okay thanks for the info, my bad!" etc etc etc which... okay but like what if they're not venezuelan? what if they are and they're actually just anti-indigenous? what if they're a right-winger or a bot or idk just wrong lol. some people can be just incorrect without it being disinformation, right? so if I post that without any pushback or skepticism, I'm now spreading misinformation that is used to harm indigenous people.

so for me, because anons necessarily get to hide their identities more than even these already relatively anonymous social media accounts do, my policy has always been to handle them with skepticism and frankly to assume the worst.

not everyone does that and also like I don't have a big following but I don't have a TINY following either so I do feel some responsibility to provide accurate information. and that's just from years of experience and not always doing that lol.

anyway sorry for being long-winded, and thank you for reading what I wrote and more importantly for not just taking what I said at face value but for doing the research yourself. that's what is most important.

[funnywormz]

top 10 lobby boy looks please and thank you rate this man like he's in an issue of cosmo and we're ripping him asunder

this was a toughie bc idk anything abt fashion and his outfits aren't described in as much detail as the manager but i still had fun!! decided to only use publicly accessible canon episodes for this (no bonus eps, nothing patreon exclusive) hehe. also let me reiterate once more that i have the worst fashion sense in the entire world

NUMBER 10: 4.10 - audrey burns

awesome episode but this fit sounds boring as hell. it doesn't sound BAD but just...... boring.......... doesn't even have a hat. sad

NUMBER 9: 4.1 - perry sherwin

he doesn't like it and i don't either. white is definitely not the best colour to be wearing when you're employed at a slimy gross murder hotel lol. maybe it looked kinda cool but thinking abt him trying to get the stains out makes me a little sad. also plain white is kinda boring imo....... although it could look cool in a kind of stark way i suppose

NUMBER 8: 4.17 - debbie houston

putting this one low on the list bc it's uncomfortable for him and he didn't like it which is sad. but it's at number 8 not lower bc i instinctively know he was serving cunt here. like i know he looked kinda sexy in it. but he doesn't like it and comfort should always come before fashion imho, hence its low spot on the list. also he didn't even get to wear it out of the closet.......

NUMBER 7: 4.16 - alex potenski

made the manager cringe but i think it sounds kinda cute in an ugly way. like he could wear this to a barbecue or to the beach or something. i like it when madam hotel puts him in pink.........

NUMBER 6: 4.7 - dorothy rennup

it's giving librarian. it's giving tumblr history teacher aesthetic. unfortunately i have a weakness for that kind of outfit so i think it sounds cute. it also sounds comfortable and warm which is important! and the collared button up under a sweater look is always something i enjoy................

NUMBER 5: 4.3 - the habers

we never actually get this one properly described to us which is why it isn't higher on the list. based on the hotel taking on a 70s aesthetic in this episode and the fact that even THINKING about this made the manager cringe kinda fills me with joy bc i know it was ugly and campy as hell. in my heart i know he was so garish and awkward looking and sweaty in this episode and i love it.

NUMBER 4: 4.9 - mr platt

i think this sounds cute sorry miss manager. once again i like it when the hotel puts him in pink outfits. by "coral" im assuming it's a pink/peachy coral type of colour which i think would look cool in combination with black. tidy but a little bit ugly in a way that i enjoy greatly. idk exactly why i like this one as much as i do. but i do.

NUMBER 3: 5.2 - it watches and it smiles

LOVE THIS THANG! underrated episode imo. i love the way this episode combines ominous terror with like, pleasant night time tropical beach vibes. it's rlly good. the description of the lobby boy in this episode is also rlly good. something chunky and very low to the ground that can't move fast but has very very long grabby arms and bulging big eyes and an evil grin........ i love it. sounds very spooky. love it when he's at the window menacing the guy inside. it's easy to get a vague idea of this creature in my head but hard to pin it down to a specific design which i think is intentional, and i rlly like it. very shaped animal. sounds like he might look at little bit silly if you caught him in the daylight perhaps, although that isn't necessarily a bad thing

NUMBER 2: 2.2 - cracker man

sadly we don't get much of a description of cracker man but im putting him high up bc i think he is awesome. bones sticking out everywhere, joints and the wrong angles, all skinny and tall and bulging and swollen and creaking........ love it. i bet he looks so scary. the idea of the monster chasing you being all broken and sad and in pain itself is very compelling. also the body horror side to the cracker man where he's constantly creaking and snapping with every movement is so uncomfortable (in a good way). also as someone with very creaky and sometimes painful joints i can relate to him.

NUMBER 1: 4.5 - robert watson

maybe this sounds underwhelming but hear me out. HEAR ME OUT OK! this is one of the few episodes where the lobby boy is described as wearing the classic red lobby boy uniform, and it's extra shiny and fancy and pretty this time. i think he was physically at his peak of lobby-boy-ness here. the red outfit with the hat and shiny buttons is a classic and it's his most iconic look ever. most people in the fandom including me draw him this way. it might seem boring or generic bc it's so common but to me this outfit is just His Outfit. it's the lobby boy outfit. unbeatable imo. if he was a cartoon character and wore the same outfit every episode i just KNOW it would be this one. it's a classic. i will not be swayed on this.

[butchviking]

what was stopping you before you made the decision to get top surgery?

hmm a lot of things. there's just so much to go over. surgery is obviously scary, the thought of the post-op care grosses the hell out of me, big change is scary too, what if i have bad outcomes (lifelong nerve pain is a huge concern), what if the entire urge magically blows over in a couple of years, what if my body feels alien to me what if i don't like the results what if i regret it and i can never go back. what if what if what if. and some of those things there's no solution to, no way to know and no way to prevent. so ultimately i just had to say "yeah, but what if im happy? what if it all works out?"

i was going 2 leave that answer there tbh but. nah u know what. u know one thing that im not sure if ive ever discussed on here cause its like actually my biggest most pathetic fear abt it all lol and has probably held me back more than even worrying about pain and death. what if women don't like me? what if lesbians aren't into me? ive seen the way some women talk abt trans/detrans bodies. with the 'mutilated' and all. and my gender-critical views mean most of the kind of pro-trans/t4t ppl who would b into someone who's had top surgery aren't exactly an option dating-wise. literally what if im alone forever. that's been one of the biggest things that's held me back n thats. very sad. but eventually i had to just say... we all talk abt the idea of stuff like makeup and uncomfortable clothing and cosmetic surgery being 'for yourself' and how ultimately it never really is bc its still something that was put into u by society. and definitely this is something that was put into me by society. but at a certain point i realised that living in a way i didn't want to & holding myself back bc i didn't want to be unattractive to other lesbians.. how is that any better? how's that better than someone wearing makeup and heels to be attractive to men? how is punishing yourself bc you're scared of being alone ever a good thing?

and anyway, times are changing. having a flat chest and scars doesn't always have to be the end of the world, sex/romance-wise. ofc in some circles its completely fine & accepted, but ofc i don't always get along w the ppl in those circles. but even amongst lesbians, i see more and more detrans women who've had surgery & are in happy relationships w other women who love their body, scars n all. so maybe there is a place for me after all.

[theemomarshmallow]

ALL OF THIS! (Rant incoming)

I can’t do physical activities the way I used to because Lymes has been fucking with my joints since I got it. Yeah I can lift weights, I also suffer after.

I can’t do high energy activities because of the chronic exhaustion I always have no matter how much sleep I get.

I can’t stay in places with more than one source of noise for too long without noise cancellation because it will set my nervous system on fire and make me want to scream and I will sob hysterically. It scrambles my brain so much and I can’t think straight. Then I have to stop whatever I was doing and go to another room to just ride it out. Because if I try to stuff it down it gets so much worse. It’s fucking unfair.

Since I’ve unmasked my ability to articulate myself verbally has diminished a lot. Including temporary verbal shutdown in some instances.

Since I’ve unmasked my tolerance for stress and mild pain has diminished.

Since I’ve unmasked my slow processing is at least way more noticeable.

When I feel even slightly slighted, I completely draw away for a long while. The rejection and sometimes even betrayal I feel is so potent and sharp. Especially if it’s someone I’m close to. I am working on the rumination but some days…

And when I’m truly betrayed? Truly hurt? You’ll know. You’ll fucking know because I will not fuck with you any more after that. I may forgive but forgetting? No. This isn’t the kind of stuff I get to forget.

If I don’t watch (primarily 24th century) Star Trek and listen to music and dance/pace all at least once a day I will get very disregulated and depressed. Long enough it will limit my functionality A LOT. And I feel silly for it. It’s all I can talk about and people I think find me irritating for it. And those are the socially acceptable special interests.

Since I’ve unmasked my meltdowns have become more prominent and more painful for me. Yes, they HURT!

Im in physical and mental pain damn near constantly even with therapy and medical intervention. To the point where now some days I need a cane for my knee pain specifically on bad days now.

I have to use a calculator for even basic math problems because my brain refuses to process the numbers and symbols; leading me to make the most basic mistakes every time. Remembering long numbers? Remembering even three numbers at once? Oh come now let’s not get crazy!

And most doctors *DO NOT LISTEN* when I tell them my autistic symptoms. They will not test me without me fighting tooth and nail. And I don’t have the fucking energy to fight tooth and nail I just don’t.

And so on and on and so forth.

I’m 24 and feel like I can’t be very open about it because most will at best pity me and at worst make it all some kind of moral issue. I told my Mom the other day about my cane and the look I got…mostly confusion but something else I couldn’t place. Whatever it was stabbed me in the chest with shame. She didn’t say anything. I felt distinctly I shouldn’t have either.

All of this, especially now that I’m a parent (hell of a time to discover the ol ‘tism right). Especially since I’ve not been able to hold a job or friendships or meet general “adult” expectations (eg. Driving, holding a job longer than maybe three months, keeping fully up with tasks like “normal” people). My babies are cared for-and then as soon as my partner is home and has settled in I need a few hours of recoup time at least. I’m fucking blessed to have him. And I struggle with it every day even though I know this is the only way I can parent effectively.

It adds to the parental guilt that always just seems to be there.

But hey I’m “high functioning” (fucking gross) so I’m totally fine, right?

I did not ask for this. I just wanted to ride my horse in the woods as a child. I just tried to fit in the best I knew how and foolishly still try to.

And all the while people will see my struggle and choose to judge. Without asking me what’s happening what need support with. They don’t care about us.

So if I complain, yeah, it sucks. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend it’s not happening at all. Talking about it is how we deal with it.

And dealing is better than ignoring.

All I wanna do is live, man.

abled people really act like if your illness or disability isn’t terminal then you’re not allowed to complain about it or grieve the life you thought you’d have and it’s so fucked up

[sincelastsession]

Vent post. Take with grain of salt.

My articulation is not how I wanted it to come out and so idfk if it'll read right. Just understand I'm not trying to act like a bitch. I'm processing.

I was gonna get food but now I feel like I can't fucking eat. I feel once again completely misunderstood and it's really frustrating.

I feel like assumptions etc are constantly made. I'm not even known yet. Have the charts for all the work I have done been found?

Am I just bad at being a person.

Sure I'd love to have a magical fix it medication but I'm on xanax (nessesary not only for psych but for other issues) and I smoke weed for pain and ptsd. It's highly unlikely I'll ever get Adderall to function unless I stop the weed. The weed is primarily for servere chronic pain. I used to get punished for CRYING so I'm not really ever showing how much I hurt.

I understand a conversation is turn taking. I am worried about time. I'm worried about being misunderstood. I feel rejected. Idk perhaps it was the delivery. I'm triggered. It just feels like the same as everyone else tired of me and when they tell me I'm too much. There's people that don't who have no problem with me being myself just talking how I talk. I understand it's not conducive to every situation. I don't like how this lack of hunger and anger and irritation and frustration is the result of that. Because how do I know I've been understood. How do I trust that?

It's incredibly hard for me to even be open enough to process it via writing in this blog.

I get it and I don't get it.

I really wish I could get my charts to save a hell of a lot of time. Yeah there's urgency for me. I never feel like I have time.

I miss my old psychiatrist because this shit wouldn't be happening. I'd be able to take my med and he would be brave enough to speak to the medical board.

I think a lot of people think I'm trying to discount how hard I'm struggling just being a person doing normal things. My executive dysfunction is terrible.

As far as meds go I've been on EVERYTHING and it's quite possible some of those meds contributed to fucking me up. I see a geneticist. I've had medical testing done. I have genetic mutations that cause me issues with a whole mess of medications.

I'd have to stop taking certain thinks to do the ket treatments and with my cptsd I'm not sure that that is a good idea. I don't want to experience side effects or an adverse reaction. I've almost died enough. I'd LOVE to try a SGB or TMS but my insurance doesn't cover it.

The sheer amount of adrenaline rush I felt and what I was able to absorb is not great. Just being told that even though no harm was meant was super triggering because it's not something I've been able to easily fix. The sheer amount of energy I'm putting into managing other things while I'm trying to listen etc I wish I could get someone to understand.

Idk if there's a different way it can be looked at. I'm not trying to be ride or take the session over. I know it's best intentions but honestly it felt like criticism and a cognitive distortion like an assumption directed at me. I understand that I'm not easy. But understand I don't have control over it fully. I don't always feel like im driving this fuckin flesh prison.

It is frustrating to have a brain that goes incredibly fast.

It's frustrating to feel completely rejected even tho I was told that's not what it was it still feels that way because it's very hard for me to trust anyone fully.

It's frustrating to be at a loss for words.

I do feel like I need to defend myself. Because shit I'm so fucking tired of hearing how I'm difficult basically. No it's not easy for everyone to talk to me an no not everyone can wrap their brain around what I'm experiencing.

I just feel gross. I want to eat I went to get food but now I'm sitting in a fucking parking lot with a cop staring at me as I cry and vent and feel overwhelming feelings.

You know it's not just family that hasn't heard or seen me. It's been therapists and doctors etc...

So that is related to trauma.

This is a controversial opinion of mine but I truly feel sometimes that a therapist will think they have me figured out and they don't, I feel like this process happens way too fast. I didn't even notice a cue or get a chance to jot down a reminder. I'm trying to listen to listen. I was trying to save time. I was trying to communicate.

I needed to talk about other things. But I feel like I've just been told everything I'm doing and saying us wrong and that is generally what people do to me when I try to speak.

It feels so shitty.

It takes forever to regulate when people point shit out that I'm aware im doing but can't really control. Like yes I get it. It does make things hard.

I feel that ppl think I'm trying to shoot down everything but this isn't new to me. I'm not trying to be defensive or whatever it looks like. I'm just trying to communicate before the thought poofs from my brain or save ppl the trouble of telling me shit that I'm completely aware of. I don't really plan to fuck up and interrupt etc it just happens and I don't feel that I have full control over that.

I am pissed because I'd really like to get my damn files from the last therapist I'd made headway with.

I originally thought I'd be doing emdr which we've discussed you aren't certified in.

I don't want to quit therapy. I'm scared I'll get the talk and it feels like I'm already about to be discarded so quickly.

Do I have proof that any of this is true? No.

It's just currently how I feel.

I had plans the rest of the day and now I can't even think to figure out where I needed to go and what to do. I can't pick a food. I'm not wanting to go to the post office. I feel like I'm shutting down.

I do have a suggestion that may actually help because I'm not sure if you know how you came across visually when you spoke to me.

I notice patterns I see micro expressions. I can see anger in people even if it's more a frustration.

So idk maybe put a mirror up and look at how the body language etc may come across. Or better yet perhaps say it to yourself in the mirror.

Look I'm probably still coming across in a way that will be misinterpreted or would be by someone else.

I don't want to build resentment so I'm sharing my CURRENT feelings which are subject to change.

I wish you could understand what's going on in my brain and could just magically understand but it takes time with me.

And yeah I'm always worried about everything.

I'm worried you'll read this along with everything else and just be like OH GOD NOPE

A Tree can't describe the Forest.

I have trouble wording things so sometimes also when I've got it in my head worded well and I'm telling people and I get chided even gently even just someone pointing out that I've interrupted and that is so triggering because it took me so long to try to figure out how to word it and then it goes unheard everyone feels unheard there's this mess and it's my fault and the import thing is gone. I get tongue tied. I stutter. I have trouble articulating sometimes.

I'll try to continue to not fuck up but I already feel I have with this post with my reaction with the obvious frustration which is not invalid because I know you're trying to help.

This is similar to how I react to my mom and dad via text but honestly 1000x nicer.

I don't even feel like I've said anything right in this post.

I feel like I'm completely not understood.

I understand locus of control. I don't feel that I even have a full locus of control though.

When you have autonomy when you first develop it and it's suddenly under micromanage control and you grow up with passive neglectful controlling fucking insane people who do the same shit you get fussed at about it's really hard.

I don't feel like a whole person. I feel like I'm just the manager or the pilot. Idfk where my core is my inner child etc. I know that I age regress sometimes. I know I do a ton of things but I'm not always in the driver's seat.

I don't understand myself either. I feel like parts of me are in charge of various things.

I hate this entry.

I just feel shame. I just want to hide.

Maybe I should play the 13-15 or so minute long audio I have of a past abuse so you can understand how absolutely nasty I'm spoken to and why it's so triggering to even hear constructive criticism etc...

I'll make more entries later. I still need to let my emotions chill out.

I am worried that therapy is now a trigger. Not because of you. Because it has always been me trying to tell people what is happening. I had times where cps should have been called but because I was interrupting etc... that was more of a focus than my own safety. No adult in my life has stood up to any abuser and done anything about it.

Now I'm an adult who is profoundly fucked up and like idfk how to be understood or to trust that I'm being heard or understood or anything

I feel like the people that get it in my life are the ones that have had a very hard life not the same as me but on level with me.

I don't know if this shit is gonna help you understand me any or if I've just unintentionally confused you more or whatever.

I have to go ahead and go home. I don't have the bandwidth to do anything else today. I'm pissed about it. I had plans.

Is it your fault? No. You don't know me. You don't know everything. You weren't not being professional. I don't know how to explain how it triggered me. If I could play it back to you I'd point it out the moment so you could understand.

I don't want to delete parts of this that I could go write better. It's hot, I'm trying to wrestle my emotions, I'm embarrassed, I'm still various forms of upset. I need to eat but im just sitting in this wholefoods parkinglot crying like an idiot. I feel like I've wasted a session talking about the wrong things thus creating a stupid kerfuffle.

I guess I'll see you next week.

[mbat]

no im thinking about pregnancy again, as in, how awful i think it is and how people act about it

i guess i have to start with hey! this is just my opinion! if you feel different, hell yeah! im not shit talking you or telling you to feel different! this is literally just me talking about my personal feelings on pregnancy and i dont expect anyone to actually read it and i dont really care if anyone does

anyway i hate how people act like pregnancy is one size fits all. i hate how people act like if you have a vagina and a uterus and whatever that you HAVE to get pregnant one day, that youre going to want to get pregnant eventually even if you very much dont right now. hell, that if youre a "woman" at all, they think youre going to want to be a mother in general.

it really does just go hand in hand with gender role bullshit and how people think that you HAVE to be and do and love whatever youre born with and if you step outside of that that youre the weirdo and youre the one in the wrong, and not that theyre the weird ones for trying to force this stuff on you.

pregnancy, like anything, is for the individual to decide. but god forbid you decide it isnt for you.

pregnancy to me is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. im terrified of it, im disgusted by it, it sounds straight out of a horror movie to me, ive been around it twice irl and it... it just doesnt feel natural to me even though its apparently one of the most natural things we can do as humans. its like looking at the uncanny valley and being told nothing is wrong but theres that pull at the back of your mind telling you to look away, something is wrong, something is so very wrong.

i had a dream many months ago that i got pregnant, and i was near the end of the pregnancy, i had somehow missed the window to get an abortion. i was in a living room surrounded by people, they were all so happy for me. i remember looking down at my stomach and feeling the worst dread. i was too late to stop it, to prevent it, to end it. my options were very few, and all of them were horrible to me.

and of course i havent even mentioned children. i dont want kids! again, its not one size fits all, its the individuals choice! i dont think id be a good father, and i dont want to be one anyway, i want my freedom, my time, my money, my life! why would i want to bring a child into this fucked up world anyway, just to fuck them up more because i really wouldnt be a good parent.

i dont even want to think about the actual birth part. endless hours of pain and disgusting things happening and emotions and... i could never. i could never i could never i NEVER will. i hate disgusting things happening and i hate pain

all of pregnancy is gross though. you are out of control of your own body. its like a parasite to me. something that isnt you is inside of you, and its changing your body and controlling it whether it even means to or not, and you cant just take it out, and its growing and

thats not even mentioning that you can feel it moving around. what. the. fuck.

i hate that people expect this of me. hell, not even just expect, but want this of me. my dad clings to the idea that one day ill give up all my 'i dont want kids' talk and finally be "normal" and want kids and whatever, because hey he wants grandkids :(. you have grandkids!!!! you have 3!!! its not my fault that only one of them is biologically related to you, maybe you should get over your weird attachment to things being biological and just learn to love regardless! i love my nephews and niece, theyre amazing and i love seeing them! i dont hate kids, by the way! i just dont want them for myself!

but honestly the whole reason i even thought about any of this is because, well tmi i guess, i think im starting a period and i just get so distressed about it. i hate that my body does this, i hate that its something i cant control and its disgusting and horrible. i just wish i could take my reproductive system out of me. and so i was like, i wish i could just pay a doctor to get it out of me! but then i remembered that theyd never do that because theyd be like OH BUT WHAT IF YOU MARRY A MAN AND HE WANTS KIDS. YOU NEED TO HAVE AT LEAST 2 KIDS BEFORE WE EVEN CONSIDER IT. and how if someone said that to me i dont think id be able to hold back from telling them that if i ever got pregnant and couldnt get rid of it that i would seriously consider offing myself. if i ever changed my mind about having kids (why would i) i would just adopt anyway.

i hate that my body is expected to belong to someone else, that my choices and my wants dont matter and im just a silly little girl and what i want will change anyway. im a person. im a full on person, and this is my body. i havent even mentioned how being trans factors into this because what more is there to say than 'im a man and that affects how i feel about this thing that people see as feminine'? or my pcos, which i have even less to say about because like, what is there to say ??

i hate that people dont care what i have to say about my own body, and my own future. i hate that my dad wants me to change how i feel about who i am and what i want, i hate that people i dont know that i havent even met expect me to do this thing that changes everything. i hate that people care more about hypothetical people than me. i hate that people think they know better than me about my own body and wants.

i never want to get pregnant. i never want to have kids. that is my choice as an individual, just like its someone elses choice to get pregnant and have kids. theres already enough people doing that in the world, there wont exactly be a shortage because i decide not to. its not my fault that other people see my choice as abnormal and the other as normal, that sounds like a them problem.

[daddyd0nt]

As an autistic with very strong sensory issues let me throw in my two cents. Hair growing in is a sensory nightmare, so if you've already started shaving, it feels like the lesser to two sensory evils, thats why men never talk about body hair giving them sensory problems, but ask them about their beards and they will say the same, if you arent going to grow it long then keeping up with shaving keeps it from becoming itchy. Long leg hair (body hair in general) is attached to a lot of nerve endings and can be painful when rubbed the wrong way by your jeans or pit hair snagging on a dress clip or pubes sticking to a maxi pad. My little sister used to rub her sneakers on my leg in the double stroller at the grocery store because the sensation of my leg hairs being pulled on sent me into a meltdown. If you shave, you avoid all of that.

I have not shaved in half a decade (including my face other than once at the barber when they cut it without asking). I am not pro-shaving, female body hair removal is bullshit invented to sell more razors because too many men died in the trenches of WW1 and razor companies started to market hairlessness toward women (which is mad weird because every adult mammal has body hair, am I trying to hide that im an adult or a mammal by removing it, what part of being an adult mammal is dirty or shameful?).

But if you've already shaved it is sensory hell to grow out. It itches like mad, it feels rough and stubbly, it rubs wrong on clothing easier. Once you've grown it for like 3 months- a year it becomes downy and soft and stops being a sensory nightmare and yeah once you get to that point theres no reason to cut it but 3 months of being itchy is a long time not to just break down and shave again. Not everybody can tolerate the sensation of hair growing in, even though it is less of a sensory invasion once it is fully grown in. I didn't used to shave because smooth legs felt good, I shaved because my legs were on fire from the sensation of the stubbly hairs rubbing the wrong way on my jeans.

I also didn't stop shaving as some grand feminist action, I was in the psych ward for a few months where my hair grew out and I wasn't trusted with sharps when I got out (If I wanted to shave id have to get a ride to my moms house, sign a razor out of her room where she keeps them if she knows im coming to the house, shave in full view of her so she can be sure im not cutting/"slipping" on purpose, and sign the razor back in) and once it got nice and soft I didn't feel any reason to remove it. And then I read about the history of female body hair removal and how it is capitalist bullshit so I never went back.

Ill never understand people who prefer their partner's business shaved. Like I appreciate a little manscaping, a little trim, I trim my bush on my period so it doesn't get stuck to my pad/because the sensation of bloody hair bothers me, but id never shave it bald. He shaved his bald once because he read online it would make it look bigger and I was just like "I can't blow you, I feel like im changing a diaper when I see your hairless dick" and we didnt have sex until it at least somewhat grew back in because the sight of a bald dick was so gross to me, why isnt bald pussy gross to men?

I cannot believe that anyone would have sensory issues so debilitating that they need to shave, but not so debilitating that they'll swipe a literal razor over their skin multiple times.

[seresinhangmanjake]

Wanting it all

Jake “Hangman” Seresin x Reader

Summary: Hangman ends up in the hospital from a very similar Phoenix/Bob/birds situation, and you suddenly regret keeping a big secret from him.

Notes/Warnings: it’s pure fluffiness. future dad!hangman, near-death stuff, I guess. Cursing, im sure. best friend Rooster! In anything top gun related i write, there is likely to be something incorrect. I only saw the movie once and it was back in May, so I try my best but i don’t remember the details of everything.

Words: 2833

When you got involved with Jake Seresin, you knew exactly what you were doing. You knew what it meant. You understood the sacrifices. You accepted that there was an element to your life that would always contain a well of fear. You knew, because he was very careful to be clear when he laid it all out for you.

Before you, Jake didn’t do relationships, but he told you there was a piece of him that fought against that choice, a piece that was desperate to have you and call you his, a piece that forced him to make an exception. In the same way, you had made an exception for him in being a part of the life he led, with all of its trials and tribulations that a man not in his profession wouldn’t demand of you.

But it was not something you ever had to mull over. When he told you how a life by his side would be, you had already decided that he was what you wanted. Come hell or high water, you would be with him as long as he also wanted you.

“Not wanting you isn’t something you will ever have to worry about, sweetheart,” he had told you, “Wanting you was as much a choice consciously made as it was something completely out of my control. My heart decided for me, and my mind willingly agreed. So don’t waste time worrying about that.”

But there would always be other things to worry about: the dangers he faced, his health, his safety. Those nagging pieces were tucked away in the corners of your mind, never quite leaving you in peace. And then for the first time since you made the thing between you official, Jake had come horribly close to not coming home to you. Some stupid birds almost got your boyfriend killed, and now more than ever, it struck you at your core.

 ---

Returning with oddly soft, quiet steps for a man of his size, Rooster sat beside you in the uncomfortable plastic chairs under the harsh florescent lighting and dumped an array of vending machine snacks on the small table between you. Bags of chips to tubes of candies to packets of gum made a mountain that you would slowly pick at for the rest of the day; and to say you were relieved to see the junk food that wouldn’t nutritiously sustain you for more than an hour would be a gross understatement.

“I didn’t know what you wanted, so I just got a couple things from each row,” he said, and you nodded your thanks, grabbing a random bag of chips and tearing it open. He watched how severely your gaze was glued to Jake. “If it’s any comfort, he could be in much worse condition.”

But it wasn’t any comfort, unfortunately. Pain medications, exhaustion, and mild trauma to your boyfriend’s body had him completely passed out in the hospital bed; and he’d been that way for hours, asleep in misleading peacefulness even before Rooster got the chance to call you and tell you to come down to the hospital.

You knew Jake would be fine. But not yet seeing the green of his eyes or hearing the deep sound of his voice pricked at your nerves. The kind nurse's reassurance was not enough to soothe you, leaving you no choice but to wait for him to wake.

Rooster nudged your elbow with his, drawing you out of your daze, and you turned to him. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes. It would have been out of character for you; maybe not so much when you were dealing with Jake, but Rooster didn’t deserve such a reaction from you. Not when he had practically adopted you as his little sister and did everything he could to protect and take care of you when you needed it most.

“You mean other than my boyfriend having to eject from his jet, which according to what I was told, crashed into a mountain less than five seconds after he got out?”

Rooster winced. “Yea,” he said, scratching at his jaw, “…other than that.”

You faced forward, eyes training on the ugly beige coloring of the wall as you put a chip in your mouth. You chewed, swallowed, sipped your water, then took a deep breath and said, “I’m pregnant.”

“Wha—” Rooster’s head whipped to you, and the candies he had been picking away at fell from his hand, M&Ms of all colors scattering across an equally ugly, beige tiled floor, but neither of you cared. “Are you sure?”

You snorted. “Pretty sure.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean for that to sound insensitive,” he blew out a breath and ran his fingers through his hair, “It’s just—”

“It’s fine, Roose. I asked myself the same question about fifty times before the doctor confirmed it.”

He nodded. “How are you feeling? Wait, does he know?”

You shook your head, considering before saying, “I am happy, though. Absolutely terrified, but happy. I just don’t know how he’s going to react.”

Rooster took your hand in his and laid his other on top until a warmth encased your fingers, but the act made it all the more difficult to hold in the overwhelming tears you didn’t even know were at the ready to fall. “Shocked at first, I’m sure.”

You sniffed and wiped at your cheeks.

“But anything less than absolutely thrilled would be hard to imagine.”

“Can you know that?”

“Y/N, you think he’d be upset that you’re carrying his child when he loves you as much as he does?”

Jake loving you wasn’t something you had to question. Both of you knew a life together was what you wanted. But the pieces of that life that, for you, when combined would make a beautiful whole: a marriage, a house, a kid or two, somehow you and Jake never actually got around to discussing. Instead of talking about everything, the two of you made plans to talk. At the time of the plan-making you didn’t quite see the difference, but now, understanding how close you came to losing Jake, you realized that talking and planning to talk were most definitely not the same.

So here you were, living by what you assumed Jake wanted with you, what you were ninety-nine percent sure he wanted. But ninety-nine percent was not a hundred, and Jake had never explicitly told you he wanted to get married, he never told you he wanted children. That one percent could flip your world upside down if it turned out that’s where his wants, thoughts, and intentions laid.

“Y/N?”

You hummed in question.

“You’re getting that glazed over look in your eyes,” Rooster waved his hand in front of your face. “I get nervous when you overthink.”

Shaking your head, you pressed your fingertips against your closed eyelids until you saw little colorful spots in the darkness. When you opened them, a hazy purple hovered around the intense overhead lights, and you blinked hard a few times to readjust your vision.

“I’m just tired,” you said. A half-truth, but the yawn that followed your words aided in convincing Rooster.

“You going to stay here tonight?”

“Is that allowed?”

Your friend tilted his head and ran his tongue over his teeth. You could practically see the gears turning in that crafty mind of his. “Probably not, but I could try to work my charm.”

“Your charm? On what?”

“Not what, who.” He chuckled at the concerned look that took over your face, then he stood and asked for your house key, which you handed him. “That cute nurse kept looking at me in some sort of way and was doing an awful lot of blushing,” he continued, a playful smirk on his lips as he tossed your key up and caught it again. “I think I might just be able to get you an overnight free pass and me a date at the same time.”

“Oh, I have no doubt in your abilities.”

Carried by the confident stride that historically had every girl but you and Phoenix swooning, Rooster went to the door. “I’ll be back in a bit with a change of clothes for the both of you,” he said. Then with a wink and a click of the tongue, he left, the door closing gently behind him.

 ---

 It was soft, warm presses on your forehead and spine shuddering tingles from light tugging on your hair that roused you. Your brow pinched as the arm you’d thrown over Jake’s waist squeezed and tightened in a dazed attempt to pull him closer.

A little grunt echoed in your ear followed by a calm whispering. “Ow, baby. I’m bruised there.”

Then the kisses to your forehead and the sifting of his fingers through the strands of your hair continued, lulling you back to sleep. You were almost gone when your mind finally caught up with your surroundings, and your head shot up as you said,

“Jake?”

Eyes met, and he immediately frowned. “Why did that come out like a question?” he asked. “Was there another pilot’s hospital bed that you were supposed to be crawling into?”

You wiggled your body up a bit until you could press your lips to his.

He chuckled into the innocent kiss, his large hand moving to cup your cheek.

“Are you ok?” you asked when you separated. “When did you wake up?”

A smile spread wide across his face at your eagerness as he tucked a stray lock of hair behind your ear. “An hour ago. And I feel fine, baby. Beat to hell, but fine,” he said, pecking your lips.

“Beat to hell means you’re not fine.”

“Well, the nice nurse came to check on me and said I’ll live, so that’s good enough. Though she didn’t seem that surprised to see you in my bed at one a.m.” a blond eyebrow quirked, “I was scrambling to come up with an excuse, but she didn’t even acknowledge that you were here; just worked around you while you were laying all over me.”

“Rooster may have done me a favor,” you said.

You glanced over to the short row of plastic chairs where you and Rooster had sat hours before to find one of your drawstring bags, likely stuffed with clothes for the morning. He’d clearly come through, in more ways than one, and you were absolutely going to grill him for the details of his date the next time you saw him. But right now, that wasn’t what was at the forefront of your mind. You needed to tell Jake before you lost your nerve. The band-aid needed to be ripped off before it reached the point of being disrespectful for not telling him. And as it was, you were pushing it.

Turning back to your boyfriend, you said, “Jake, I have to tell you something.”

“Uh-oh.” He gave you a bright smile that didn’t quite conceal the hint of nerves.

You swallowed the lump in your throat. “No, it’s not bad. Well, maybe—well, no it’s fine, I think. Yea…yea, it’s ok—we’re going to be ok.” You took a deep breath, then the words spilled from your lips in an anxious, rushing wave that left no room for you to properly inhale. “Basically, I wasn’t feeling all that great, but I didn’t think twice about it because it didn’t seem like that big of a deal, and you know how I am when I think I’m getting sick, I just ignore it, so I did, but then it got worse and worse and I got annoyed about it, and then I started having other symptoms and I thought I was going crazy so I took a test, and then four more tests, and they all had the same result, so what I’m trying to say is that I’m—I’m—”

“Pregnant?” He finished for you, his voice soft, eyebrows pinched.

You bit down hard on your bottom lip. “A bit, yea.”

The unreadable expression on his face completely unnerved you. A million questions flashed across those green eyes of his, but he settled on: “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know how you were going to react.” Which you knew wasn’t a good enough reason to keep it from him, more so considering that you wanted the baby. You wanted to be a mother, and you wanted him to want to be a father. But in the minute and a half you’d given him to adjust to this information—impatience overpowering your ability to be fair—he wasn’t giving you any indication of wanting the same. “How are you reacting exactly? I can’t tell.”

“How far along are you?”

“That’s not really an answe—”

“Y/N.” He shot you stern look that was a little too reminiscent of the look he’d often given you that somehow never failed to get you into bed; a look that sparked the event that lead you to be in your current state.

You sighed and sat up, one leg folding in front of you, the other dangling off the side of the bed. “A few weeks.”

The bubble of disappointment you expected to consume you both didn’t come, but neither did Jake smile with full commitment. The corners of his lips didn’t reach far enough up his cheeks to convince you of its sincerity; that rare meadow-green shade of his irises didn’t shine any brighter, or glisten with unshed tears of joy, which you also would have settled for. You couldn’t decipher what was in front of you, but then he said,

“Come here.”

“Ja—”

The deep noise he made in his throat as he shook his head stopped you. Grabbing your hand in his, he guided you closer, then he patted your side to let you know to straddle his hips. You settled yourself down and rested your hands on either side of his neck while his own slowly slid up down the tops of your thighs.

“Y/N, I’ve known that I want to marry you and have you as the mother of my children for a while now,” he said, finally grinning in a way that lessened the uneasy rapidity of your heartbeat. “So, seeing as we’ve just ticked one of those boxes, how do you feel about ticking the other one?”

“Wh—” The words, you definitely heard, but the comprehension of those words momentarily short-circuited your brain. “Are you—” Your eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Jake…are you serious?”

“I obviously wasn’t planning on doing this in a hospital bed, and the ring is at home, but—”

“You have a ring?”

He ran a knuckle over the blush that coated your cheeks. “I’ve had a ring,” he said, “for a month. I couldn’t figure out how I wanted to ask you, but I don’t want to wait anymore. I love you.”

You leaned your body into his, chests meeting, and wrapped your arms around his neck. It was a melting feeling to be so close to him, the warmth of your combined body heat practically joining you as one despite the layers of clothing between you. But it was always that way with Jake. From the moment you met, if his hands were on you, you were putty for him, completely malleable and moldable for him to do with what he wished.

Mouths barely brushed against one another. You whispered, “I love you,” and before you could close the space to kiss him deeper, he beat you to it, putting a hand on the back of your neck and pulling you forward so your lips could perfectly slot together.

You don’t know what you would have done if you’d lost this, lost him. But now it wasn’t only you, it was your child as well. Your son or daughter who might never have met their father. So you kissed him for more than just the feel and taste of him. You kissed him for more than just expressing your love. You kissed him because he was real and alive, and you shared something that would forever bind you.

You kissed until you forgot what it was to breathe, and it forced you to pull yourself away.

Calloused hands cupped your cheeks. Thumbs ran back and forth along your cheekbones. His eyes scanned over the features of your face, lazily lingering, in no rush to speak or end this moment of simply knowing without the slightest complication or hesitation that you loved one another. You loved one another and everything you made.

“Will you marry me, Y/N,” he asked, “…please.”

A mocking gasp of shock parted your lips. “Did Jake Seresin just say please?”

He swatted your ass. Your chuckles mingled. “This is a yes or no question, Miss Y/L/N. It does not require additional question or commentary.”

“Yes, Jake,” you didn’t hesitate to say. “Of course, it’s a yes.”

Tags: @marvel-ousnesss​ @nobody7102​ @marrianena​ @fangirlingoverfangirls​ @blue-aconite​ @my-soulmate-is-mycroft​ @dempy​ @chaoticassidy​ @alana4610 @hotch-meeeeeuppppp​