#it’s starting to genuinely feel like i won’t survive the night im in so much pain

[hamausagi]

oh my gkd o

[hearts4werka]

Starry Kiss

Summary: you’ve always had a crush on your childhood best friend Chris but always thought your feelings were one-sided since he always had girls all over him and he could have anyone he wanted. One day you hosted a sleepover for your friends as well as Chris, night soon came and you two were the only ones awake and you go stargazing in the starry night where you confess your feelings to him and he responds with a genuine kiss you’ve always wanted to experience… Genre: FLUFF, childhood best friends, stargazing, sleepover, high school sweethearts, starry night, love confession, best friends to lovers, unexpected kiss & possibly more! Warnings: None! Just cutesy sweetheart best friends finally getting together!

Me and Chris have been childhood best friends and I've always had a small crush on him but never thought my feelings were one-sided since he always had girls all over him and once I even had to help him with his first crush who became his first girlfriend who later turned out to be using him.

The poor guy was devastated after that and I had to be his personal therapist for almost two weeks after he got over her and found a new girl to thirst over, it ended up not being me.

I never was good at expressing my emotions since no one never asked unless it was evident something was wrong, only ever Chris saw through the fake smile I would put on everyday to hide the real emotions I would feel, that's one of the many reasons why I have a fat crush on him since childhood.

After school we walk together to my house or his then I would vent to him and show him the real me no one else saw besides him. We could talk and laugh together for hours on end, I always tried to somehow give him blank hints but too scared to actually confess since Im afrain of ruining our friendship I love so much and will cherish all of our moments together fondly.

| - 🍂 - |

One day I decided to host a sleepover for my friend group, including Chris and some of his guy friends since I know he wouldn't survive being around all of my girlfriends so of course I made an acception for him.

And I’m sure my friends won’t mind.

Chris was the first person to get there since he came in early to help me with preparing all of the stuff that needs to be set up.

While setting up the designated place to sleep we got into a small pillow fight…

• Before Everyone Arrived…

When I was arranging the pillows with Chris’s help, I suddenly felt something soft hit my back and chuckling behind me. Slowly turning for dramatic effect I see Chris burst out laughing and I know he threw the pillow at me.

His laughter is soon muffled by a pillow hitting his face, I soon followed with the chuckles and choked out through the laughter filling the air.

“Thats what you get!”

He immediately went into action and started to throw more pillows at me and I followed behind, throwing pillows at him that were in my reach. We soon started a pillow fight.

I grabbed one of the longer and bigger pillows, he looked at me and put his hand out like eleven while laughing.

“Don’t you even dare!” He speaks between chuckles as I take the risk and hit him with the big pillow in my hand.

“Oh you’re gonna regret doing that”

Suddenly he tackles me to the floor, ending up on top of me with both of us laughing and pillows flying all around, he drops down onto the floor next to me as we continue to laugh at the whole playful situation.

I would be lying if the altercation didn’t fluster me even in the slightest.

| - 🍂 - |

7:45 PM

As the time of the deadline for everyone to finally arrive, me and Chris are waiting by sitting on the couch a bit too close, my head laying down on his shoulder and a simple hand wrapped around my waist and pulling me closer to him.

The whole time I'm trying to hide the slight pink hue growing on my cheeks, its not the first time we sit in such position that could be taken as an intimate one.

My friends often tease me and say to just confess to him like its thats easy. I dont want to ruin our friendship as it could be the last type of friendship we get like this.

While we wait for the others to arrive, the doorbell finally rings indicating they have just arrived, I shoot up onto my feet and to the front door.

Chris follows behind as I open the door, on the other side there’s two girls, my best friend Kayla and Natalie, one guy whos Chris's standing with bags in hand, all being my friends.

I greet them and quickly let them inside, leading them upstairs into the guests bedroom where we’ll be all sleeping since there’s more room there for all of us.

They all put their bags away and we start the fun part of the sleepover...

| - 🍂 - |

10:54 PM

After a little adventure around the night town only illuminated by old street lamps and a snack trip to the store for a small horror marathon we finally got back to my house.

I place the bag of snacks on the coffee table in the living room as all of us gathered inside of the room to start the horror marathon.

All of us take a seat on the couch, the guys sit on one side of the couch and the girls in the other. Me and Chris are in the middle separating the gender groups created.

Grabbing the remote I open the first streaming service I land on, which landed on classic Netflix.

I begin to scroll through the ‘horror’ section, everyone talking among themselves and suggesting what we should watch first before we finally decide on ‘Fear Street’ which is a horror series with 3 movies.

We get comfortable in our spots and I play the movie, some grab snacks and some grab drinks and then the movie starts…

| - 🍂 - |

• After a Horror Movie Marathon

1:31 AM

After watching a god knows how much hours worth of horror movies everyone was finally starting to feel sleepy except for me and Chris for some reason.

“I’m tired…” Kayla yawns, making sluggish moves to get up from her spot on the couch. Everyone else agrees they’re also feeling tired and suggest we should already go to bed.

“Yeah we should go to bed already” Natalie suggests, slowly starting to get up as well to head to our designated sleeping place.

We all follow suite but when I try to get up, Chris decides it would be a funny idea to randomly throw we over his shoulder and carry me to our sleeping place.

I let out a quiet yelp as he throws me over his shoulder, his little giggles echoing through the room as the group looks at us a bit surprised but used to us acting like this with each other.

Trying to protest for him to put me down, sending small hits to his back as he continues to carry me and walk up the stairs with the group until we make it to the room.

He finally puts me down and I shoot him a playful glare which only fuels the stupid grin on his face, we enter the room after everyone and close the door behind us.

We make sure to not step on anyone before both of us got to our sleeping spot for the night and lay down, pulling the duvet over my body as the warmth of it surrounds my body but even with the warm feeling, I find myself not quite being able to fall asleep.

I pretend to sleep, closing my eyes to trick my brain into making me fall asleep but I just lay there conscious with my eyes closed and little did I know that Chris was having the same problem…

| - 🍂 - |

• Two Hours Later

3:09 AM

After a few hours I’m still laying there and staring at the ceiling while everyone’s shallow breathing fills the rooms air and hits my ears in a smooth melody.

A sudden quiet whisper and slight nudge on the shoulder taps me out of my small trance and I look towards the source of the noise.

“Hey, you awake?” I feel Chris’s warm breath hit my cold skin and send a small shiver running down my spine as he speaks.

“No, what’s up?” Answering his question I sit up on my bed and make some room for him to sit down as well so he doesn’t have to keep kneeling down on the hard wooden floor.

“I can’t quite fall asleep for some reason.” He confesses, taking the seat infront of me on the bed. It making a small indent and elevating my own seating from his weight overpowering mine.

“Me neither.” I agree, looking around the room I glance over at the window where the source of the moonlight that’s illuminating the room is coming from.

Noticing the especially starry night sky tonight I remember I was reading an article about that there was supposed to be a starry night.

I suddenly get an idea, since we can’t sleep and I wanted to go star gazing tonight anyway and might as well drag Chris along with me.

“It’s a pretty starry night tonight” I state the obvious before looking back at him and adding, “Wanna go star gazing?”

He glanced between me and the night sky and chuckles quietly then nods his head in agreement. “Yeah, sure”

A soft smile spreads across my face as he agrees and the thought of sitting on a hill with a perfect view of the starry night sky just enters my mind as I imagine the scenery.

We quietly get up from my bed and I grab a blanket on the way out of the room, slowly closing the door behind us than make our way towards the front door to sneak out of the dark house.

On our way down the stairs, Chris suddenly almost trips over something in the dark. Silently cursing under his breath as he out of reflex grabs the my arm and the railing, holding on for dear life to not face plant down the stairs.

I’m trying my hardest to not burst out laughing at his terrified expression at almost falling to his death and making a lot of noise when we’re supposed to be quiet.

Quickly making our way to the front door and almost exiting in a hurry to not wake the others up, I start to lead him to the spot I was thinking of that will have the best view of the sky.

“You gotta place in mind already, princess?” He finally asks in a hushed voice, leaning his head down to make me hear him better. The little nickname he always calls me whenever he wants to gauge a reaction out of me.

“You don’t remember? We used to always go there as kids!” I remind him also in a hushed voice as we walk under the beautiful night sky up a medium hill.

Seeing how his eyes widen in realization as the childhood memories flood both of our minds at once, a small smile growing on my face at the cute moments we’ve had there together.

“Ohh, yeah now I remember” He realizes, scratching the back of his neck in slight embarrassment for not remembering to which I give him a reassuring pat on the back.

We start to go down memory lane of all of the special moments we’ve shared over the past years of our constantly blooming friendship, knowing we’ll never be dumb little kids together anymore just makes my heart ache as I would love to go back in time and relive all of those memories.

Some memories brought laughter, sadness or embarrassment. When we finally made it onto the top of the hill, we were immediately met with an a amazing view of the starry night sky.

My lips fall in an inaudible gasp at how beautiful the scenery is, I look over at Chris and he’s in the same state of awe as I am.

The way the moonlight illuminates his facial features and his long brown strands ghosting over his forehead and slightly above his eyes makes my head go into a slight spiral.

Shaking my head and looking away from him to not cause a too much of a blush on my face than the slight staring has already caused.

A sudden idea comes to my mind, it’s the perfect time and place to confess my longing love for him. It may sound like a typical love story but who knows, he could still say no.

With that thought in my overthinking mind, I start to doubt my idea and bash it. It’s the right place but might not be the right time.

He notices me being lost in thought, my eyes darting over all of the stars on the sky as if I was tracing every possible pattern with them.

His face suddenly is placed infront of my vision, snapping me from the small world my mind had put me in and back to reality.

“Hey, you good?” He asks with concern lacing his tone, a shade of worry shading his features in the moonlight as his brows furrow.

I shake my head, a small embarrassed chuckle escaping past my lips to try and laugh off the situation to make it seem I’m fine. “Yeah I’m fine, just zoned out for a minute”

Him not fully believing me but just brushes off the worry for now, he casually drapes a hand over my shoulder in an almost comforting matter.

Leaning my head on his shoulder we start to walk around the hill to find our spot, soon enough we succeed at our search and lay our backs down on the grass.

We watch the stars, pointing out the constellations we notice the starts aligning to create. It was truly a beautiful sight to witness.

As we observe the starts, I try to get the courage to ask him the question I’ve been dreading to ask him for far too long now that I can’t keep it bottled inside anymore.

I sit up so suddenly a feeling of dizziness washes over me, he follows behind me and the same look of worry comes back to cast a shadow over his features.

“Are you sure you’re fine? Why did you sit up so suddenly?” He questions with concern now thick in his tone, raising an eyebrow at my current actions.

Taking a deep breath before the word vomit begins without my permission and I can’t get it to stop no matter how hard my brain screams at me to stop.

“I can’t keep this hidden anymore, sorry in advance but…” I pause for a second, contemplating my decision before my mouth grows a mind of its own and decides for me.

“I’m in love with you. And I-I am for years now but I was always scared to admit it because of all of the girlfriends you’ve had that were way prettier than I could ever be, I’m so sorry for keeping this from you when we promised to not keep secrets from each other and tell each other everything that’s on our mind…”

After my small ramble I grow out of breath and my breathing grows slightly heavy, looking up at him I see his expression is unreadable so my apologetic instinct switches on.

“I’m really sorry, I know you probably don’t feel the same way and might hate me after this. I’m sorry if this could ruin our friendship in any way and I don’t want it to, I’m so fucking so-“

My words suddenly get cut off by Chris grabbing ahold of my jaw and smashing his lips on mine, instantly shutting my moving mouth up.

I’m at a loss of all words that I wanted to speak in that moment, my mind becomes blurry as I melt completely into the kiss and slowly start to kiss him back.

The kiss feels magical, like taken out of a fairytale. Finally finding my Prince Charming or sharing a kiss that’ll save me and erase all of the problems I’ve ever encountered in my life.

When we finally pull away from each other, I look at him in complete shock but a hint of relief in my features is only visible if you look for it hard enough.

“Why did you do that?” I question, feeling confused by his actions since I was sure I would get rejected by him but am so glad I didn’t.

“To stop you from rambling all night long” He confesses the reason behind the unexpected kiss, a smile growing on his face as a reaction to my confused expression.

“I thought you would get weirded out and reject me.” I as well confess to the reason I’m so confused right now, the relief slowly becoming more noticeable on my face.

“It doesn’t matter now what I could have done, so don’t worry about that now” He answers, the smile growing on his face. His hand reaches and lands on my cheek, caressing it with his thumb in an almost loving way that makes a smile of my own form on my lips.

“You’re way to calm about this right now, it’s concerning” I slip out with a hint of joking in my voice to lighten the tense air surrounding us, we share a laugh together before his lips land on mine again. Both of us smilling into the kiss as we fall back onto the ground and share another passionate kiss under the starry night, almost like a starry kiss…

@hearts4wertka

authors note: i’m so sorry that writing and posting fics has taken me a bit longer than expected but I don’t really have motivation or the drive to write so my head has been a bit empty lately, anyway thank you guys so much for the feedback on any of my fics I seriously really appreciate it and I love every single one of you! 💋

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[kadextra]

after my previous post, I decided to read ahead of the manhwa now bc I can’t wait!!! and I kinda feel like writing down some liveblog thoughts here while doing it :D

here we go, starting from chapter 184

[ MAJOR SPOILERS!!!!! DO NOT CLICK if you haven’t ever read before. I’m so serious its a lot of spoilers. pls just ignore this and scroll on ]

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ummm dokja saying “oh this scenario will be fine! don’t worry i’m prepared this will be problem-free & so very easy haha :)” + getting all emotional about his friends is setting off my red flag senses so hard. dokja you still have the fate message praying on your downfall….

dokja I’m scared. Dokja I Don’t Like This

ah. hah. the demon king guy is literally dead on the floor 🧍awesome

damn I knew this couldn’t be trusted and some plot twist would happen it was never going to be that simple. someone has to take the position now. I hate you nebulaes how about you catch these hands

OH NO JOONGHYUK?? YOU STUPID IDIOT STOP

my boys are fighting o(-(

yo wait turns out the world won’t reset even if he regresses??? but still :( he won’t be able to see this to the end and will get stuck back in the loop :(( joonghyuk has changed so much from the start and I’ve grown to like him a lot he doesn’t deserve this I’ll cry

OF COURSE DOKJA GONNA SACRIFICE HIMSELF INSTEAD. ITS HIS FAVORITE HOBBY!

dokja’s self reflection of how the reason he survived all the tragedies in his life is bc of TWSA & watching how joonghyuk never gave up…. the whole “it’s because you saved me so now it’s my turn to save you” from a person directed to their favorite character and their favorite story which was their life companion…. honestly I don’t quite have words to describe the way these lines make me feel. it’s just profound and deeply relatable

gilyoung my poor son he doesn’t want his hyung to die 😭

sighs it’s too late. at least demon king dokja looks cool…. now the wings fanart I’ve seen in passing makes sense…..

he’s a goner

I am going to be completely honest. I genuinely expected to be reading more of an epic shounen-style final battle where he uses all the cool corrupted demon powers and maybe goes a little wacky because that’s usually what happens in stories when the protagonist unlocks an evil power and has to fight his friends. NOT THIS????????

the situation has zero hope and he is just standing there one sidedly taking hits from his friends who are forced to kill him. while guiding them on how to do it. smiling and offering them words of encouragement. this is so devastating I feel sick

URIEL MY BABY seeing her cry is the worst it’s torture

of course his stigma is called sacrificial will

STOP

THAT ARTWORK

THEY ARE HIS LOVED FAMILY…… HE LOVES THEM ALL N JOONGHYUK WAS YHR PERSON HE LOVED MOST I CALLED IT I want to hit something

im full on crying now

all the constellations messages of they don’t wish for his death I’m not strong enough

reading this feels like getting ripped apart limb by limb

NO WAY THE FVGTIFJFJCKN HELD BY THE NECK THING RETURNS A THIRD TIME LIKE THIS??? STOOOPPPPPPPP

uriel T-T

he died

demon king of salvation

need to just lay here for a bit

ok I’m back joonghyuk is disassociating from the grief. relatable

“What if Yoo Joonghyuk went back and there was no Kim Dokja? or what if Kim Dokja never acted like this again? Yoo Joonghyuk was afraid of something for the first time.”

“He met Kim Dokja in his third regression and they became companions. Then he lost Kim Dokja”

he cares for him so much

a scenario without dokja.

whag did I just read

-

UGH that was so good. emotional damage was an understatement now I get why ppl were warning me

why did I decide to do this in the middle of the night…. I need to stop now I’m tired but how am I going to sleep? im haunted with thoughts

it’ll take a bit longer for the manhwa to adapt this part but I’m honestly really glad I continued reading and got to imagine it all myself in detail first- it hit so hard. I’ll let it sit and take a few days break before I continue. excited to see how they adapt it into drawings and cry all over again cause this wound ain’t healing for a while

I have the need to recommend this story to all my friends and family

oh right!!!!

the other day I went through youtube animatics & saved some that I could watch when finishing certain chapters into a note (thank goodness most put a warning of when to watch in the first few seconds!)

since I finished 188, I get to watch this one :D

I just watched it

I cry myself to sleep

[somnambulants]

hi!! i was just wondering if i could request more yelena where yelena introduces her gf to natasha and her family and she’s uncharacteristically nervous so nat finds it amusing? thank you :)

a bit of minor surgery

summary: Yelena tries to keep you to herself but her family has other ideas word count: 1.7K notes: so this is a little different to what you asked for but i hope you still like it! for the sake of this, nat, yelena, alexei and melina are just one happy family 

“But if we –"

Natasha holds up a hand and Yelena stops talking. “Do you hear that?”

It’s faint but there’s the sound of someone moving around on her apartment floor. Being the only person who lives on this floor and one of the few in this building is enough for this to raise the hairs on the back of her neck.

Survival for them has always meant constant vigilance.

Both of their heads swivel towards the front door as the footsteps become louder, very clearly approaching her apartment.

Yelena doesn’t have to look to know Natasha is mirroring her, pulling out her gun and scanning every entry-way for possible intruders.

On edge, Yelena presses herself against the door, readying herself until she listens properly and realises the approaching footsteps sound familiar. 

Somehow, she feels herself relax and become even more tense at the same time.

“Stop,” she says as Natasha moves towards the door as well, holding an arm out to stop her. “It’s okay. I know who it is.”

At her words Natasha relaxes, putting her gun away but she watches her face carefully as she does so.

The panic Yelena can feel building inside her must not be as well hidden as she thought because a slow grin spreads across her face as the sound of a gentle knock echoes through Yelena’s apartment.

“Is it..?”

“Yes,” Yelena replies curtly. “And no. You can’t meet them.”

Natasha gives her a wicked look, clicking her teeth together teasingly. “What? Scared I’ll…eat them?”

She snickers as Yelena reaches out and shoves her hard enough to knock the air out of her while also giving her a firm and clear: im going to kill you if you don't listen to me look as she goes to open the door.

Not that it's ever stopped Natasha before.

“Just stay there,” Yelena hisses and then wrenches the door open, finding you behind it with your hand still mid-air, prepared to knock a second time.

“Y/N!”

“Hi,” you say, looking a little startled but smiling at her none the less as you drop your hand.

Beside her and thankfully, just out of your view, Natasha, to her credit, is silent but Yelena can feel her gaze glued to her face and can especially feel the amusement radiating off her in waves.

She grits her teeth, forcing a smile. Your own fades a little as you take her in. “Is this a bad time?”

“No,” Yelena says quickly. Still out of sight, Natasha lets out a huff of laughter just quiet enough that she hopes she’s the only one that hears her.

“Not at all,” she adds, and since the door covers most of her body, it’s safe for her to reach out and pinch Natasha on the arm. Which is what she does. Hard. “Just --give me a second?”

Clearly still puzzled, you nod and Yelena closes the door, giving you a smile that she has a feeling looks more like a grimace.

Next she grabs Natasha by the arm and starts walking her forcibly towards the window. “Out.”

Natasha raises an eyebrow as she pulls them to an abrupt stop, looking at her then looking out the window. “You seriously want me to scale ten stories because you’re an idiot?”

As an answer, Yelena unlocks the latch and lets the window sweep open, giving her a pointed look that says: Yes. Obviously. 

Natasha rolls her eyes but to Yelena’s relief, she slides out the window.

“неудачник,” is all she says in parting before she disappears, dropping down the stairwell and vanishing from sight completely.

The word lingers in the air after her: Loser.

Yelena scowls after her for a second before she rushes back to the door and opens it, letting out a sigh of relief when she sees you’re still there, standing in the same spot.

“Sorry,” she apologises, swinging the door open. “There was just a uh, complication....a spider. I caught it and put it outside. I know you hate them.”

As she speaks, you slowly raise one eyebrow at her. The other quickly follows and it's then that she notices the narrowed look in your eyes.

When you start speaking, your voice is low and scarily calm. “So it has nothing to do with the woman I just made eye contact with as she was climbing down your fire escape?”

Something Yelena is proud to say is that in her life there have been very few times she’s been at a loss for words. 

This however is one of them.

She stares at you, blankly, knowing her panic must be showing on her face by the way your expression progressively becomes darker and darker as seconds pass and she fumbles frantically for something to say.

“I, uh, she is, she, uh –”

“—Natasha Romanoff. Nice to meet you.”

To her credit, Natasha has always been the stealthier of the two of them. Ignoring that fact, Yelena chooses to believe that her being distracted by you is why she doesn’t hear her coming back up the stairwell.

She also chooses to believe that she didn’t visibly jump at the sound of her voice and that the cough Natasha lets out is genuine and not covering up a laugh that says she’s going to mock her mercilessly for this entire thing later.

Of course, Yelena can’t fool herself but she tries anyway.

You look even more unimpressed as Natasha comes to a stop beside her and it clicks in Yelena’s head that you think her and Natasha – her and Natasha. She can’t even finish the thought.

As funny as it is, she doesn’t let herself laugh, knowing instinctively that it’s not a good idea. The flinty look in your eyes just confirms how much of a not good idea that is.

Just because you weren’t raised like her doesn’t mean that you couldn’t pack a punch; something she learned early on in your relationship when she’d accidentally snuck up on you once. She’d had a black eye for weeks after that.

“Natasha is my --” she isn’t sure how to say: ‘this is the woman I was trained to kill people with while we grew up being tortured and experimented on, remember I told you?’ In a way that won’t make you go running for the hills.

As she trails off, Natasha, sensing her panic, jumps in. Yelena knows that internally, she must be laughing hysterically though to her merit, she keeps it to herself. “I’m her… sister. Of sorts.”

You know about her past – all of what she was willing to repeat of it anyway – so comprehension quickly dawns on your face.

“Then why…?”

She watches as Natasha’s mouth twitches, sounding amused as she directly addresses you: “Well... my sister is an idiot. I’m sure you’ve noticed.”

Yelena tenses as you give her a once over, raking your eyes over her consideringly, before you turn back to Natasha.  “I may have noticed that. Yes.”

"Hey," Yelena protests, weakly. "That's not fair."

You give her a pointed look and she falls silent. Resigned to her fate, she lets out a sigh.

She can tell from the matching scheming looks brewing in both your own and Natasha’s eyes that this is only going to be the start of her own personal torment.

--

The one thing she really, really hates about her family is that they have this habit of showing up unannounced – you’d think that the whole being assassins and consequently, a little trigger happy as a result would make someone call ahead but no.

Never.

For this reason, it comes as no surprise when there’s the familiar three tap repetitive secret knock knock knock they had all come up with years ago on her front door early the following morning.

Silently, Yelena prays you don’t hear it and stay asleep as she drags herself out of bed and prepares herself for what she’s about to deal with.

Truthfully, she’s a little surprised that they’d had enough tact to wait until morning. She’d half expected them to be knocking her door down the second Natasha relayed last nights events to them. 

Yanking the door open, she comes face-to-face with Alexei and Melina. Taking them both in and cataloguing mentally that they look alive and uninjured, she lets herself glare at both of them.

“Is something wrong?”

They both frown. “No?”

“Okay I’m closing the door then.”

She starts to swing it shut but it’s quickly caught as Alexei shoves a foot in between it and the doorframe, giving her a reproachful look.

“Is your –”

“Yes,” Yelena interrupts, scowling harder than before, if that was even possible. “Now, leave.”

The look on Alexei’s face shifts, now suddenly a little too much on the wrong side of sneaky. “Can we—”

“No.”

“But–"

“I don’t care. You can’t meet them,” she barks, probably too loudly, as she shoves him back out into the hallway. If she has to throw them bodily out of here, she will. It just would likely attract your attention, which is the opposite of what she wants. “They’re asleep.”

“We can wake them,” he suggests, unhelpfully.

Yelena glares at him harder. “No.”

It’s faint but all of a sudden, she can hear the sound of a door squeaking as it opens. Her bedroom door to be more exact. Your voice calling out to her quickly follows.

“Okay,” she says. “I’m closing the door now.”

“Hey, no wait –” Alexei starts to protest. Yelena closes the door firmly in their faces and is working on dead-bolting it just as you appear in her line of sight.

You blink at her blearily, wearing just one of her T-shirts and nothing else. Thank god she hadn’t let them in. “Who was that?”

“Neighbours,” Yelena lies. “Looking for their …cat.”

Still half asleep, you don’t think to question her and she sags against the door in relief as you venture into the kitchen in search of coffee.

To her relief, there are no subsequent persistent knocks or calls through the door and after a second, she can hear the quiet sound of footsteps and Alexei’s grumbling as they retreat.

Natasha is one thing – their parents or pseudo-parents or whatever they are – are another thing entirely. She’d save that one for another day.

Or never, preferably.

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki Bakumatsu Kafusho Chizuru Mini Drama

*sigh* just when I think most of the stress inducing things for the month have past so i can can finally get back to normal-ish... someone I’m living with has tested positive. while im fine right now and don’t need to worry that much about getting too close as there is actually enough room to isolate, i’m giving up on trying to translate more than one piece of Hakuoki content a week this month. should hopefully be fine with getting my advance posts done again for september. sorrrrrrry! i genuinely tried! -.-

Anyway, this Chizuru’s モノローグ 「在るべき処」 drama from the 幕末花風抄 set of dramas.... also I hate Kodo (well when it’s not him from the musicals hahaha) in every route though he only redeems himself slightly in Hijikata’s route.

enjoy?

Hakuoki Bakumatsu Kafusho Chizuru Mini Drama “Where one should be”

(not entirely sure about how to word the title. there’s no subject so it’s kinda more literally “the place that should be resided in” i guess?)

Translation by KumoriYami

Chizuru: Chizuru: I'm back, father. Huh? Wind chimes? A gift? Thank you! They're so cute~ the goldfish pattern looks cool. Eh? They're round cheeks are like mine? No, mine aren't round. Really......... Ah.... Father...............  that was a dream.... 

Early that morning, I woke from a nostalgic dream. Since I wanted to decorate the kitchen at headquarters, I bought a (set of) wind chimes yesterday, so that was probably what reminded me of when I lived/the time I lived with my father in Edo....... Father, where are you now..... 

Looking upwards to the distant sky, the rain that had been falling since last night had lightened up. A thin ray of sunshine peeked through the gaps between the clouds. It seems the rain has stopped/is stopping.  

Yes, there's no such thing as a night that won't get brighter [I think this is more 'no night won't end with the sun's light], and there's no such thing as rain that doesn't stop. It doesn't matter, there will inevitably be a day where I meet my father again. Okay, I've going to start making breakfast. 

That's how my day at headquarters began. For now, it should be okay to hang them here. Summers in Kyoto are very hot, and the kitchen is even hotter when a fire is lit. At least the sound of the wind chimes will make people feel a bit cooler. Thinking this way, I hung the wind chimes by the window. Alright, then....  

It's been a year and half since I started living with the Shinsengumi due to unbelievable fate. Little by little, my life here has become more and more natural. However, it's not enough to be grateful/thankful for the kindness (shown)/ everyone's kindness, I want to do something to help. Seeing their resolute determination and how their eyes look ahead to exist/survive [reword later?], this way of thinking has become even stronger... 

The food's ready [actually says cooked but w/e]. Hot! Hei... that doesn't matter, it looks delicious~ the miso soup is almost ready. Now it's ready. Next, right, apparently Okita-san said that he'll be going to play [with/some] some children by the riverbank today. A few days ago, I accidently learned about Okita-san's condition. Although Okita-san still smiled and responded in the same way as usual, his smile rather looked even more pained. But at least I might be able rouse his appetite a bit and lift his spirits. With that in mind, I started making rice balls. If the taste of miso is a bit stronger, Okita-san might have more appetite... Oh, but Okita-san says he's in the the sweet faction [I think?]. hey... it seems like [he? or] the children were fighting over the konpeito [I assume it's konpeito. a candy gets mentioned here and I haven't checked the audio].

Okita-san, I've put some here. Please use [take] some/them.

Afterwards, while returning to [my?] room once the utensils from breakfast were washed, I saw the figure of Saito-san in the dojo practising his swings in the air. Against the back of the Saito-san who diligently practised and was never absent, itt seemed like there was a cool wind blowing [i think?]. It was hard to stay focused in this heat. I think he has great mental strength. But even Saito-san should feel hot... No, he probably doesn't it... Speaking of which, during both winter and summer, Saito-san wears a pure white sash [not sure if this is the sash or scarf. check audio later]. On the other hand, Harada-san, Nagakura-san and Heisuke-kun seem to be afraid of the heat and wear thing clothes even in the winter. Eh... haha... ah... no, it'd be bad to disturb those training [??? not sure the word used here is 稽古]---pardon me.

After the food is cleaned up and put away, [I] begin to clean up the house [tl is house or room] and courtyard. I unexpectedly like this time. When I wipe the dirty floor and tatami mats clean, my mood feels brighter and I feel cleaner too. Before I realized it, the smell of miso soup prepared by the people making lunch wafted in. It smells delicious, and seems to be moving? Huh? What's wrong, Heisuke-kun, it doesn't matter if you have another bowl. The words I unconsciously muttered were heard by Harada-san. In the evening, he would take Heisuke-kun out, so he said and went out.

Have a good trip! Recently, it seems that I'm not the only one concerned about how Heisuke-kun has smiling less. Because Heisuke-kun's liveliness and cheerfulness makes everyone happy, and I hope that they're always able to smile without restraint together. Maybe it's bit wishful, but I couldn't help thinking that way. But if you talk happily with Harada-san, you will definitely feel better. However if you're too happy and if you drink too much and are late to come back, Hijikata-san will be angry with you again.

When I took note of it [should be more along the lines of 'When I noticed it',  but I couldn't get the rest of the sentence to work], the two of them hadn't returned late together, but instead returned separately. After asking if they fought since I was so worried, Heisuke-kun said 'no', and responded with a very happy smile. The drunken Harada-san also nodded and said that it didn't matter. That's great.

I was relieved to see Saito-san making tea in the kitchen with a complicate expression on his face as I returned to my room. Ah, Saito-san, let me make the tea... Before even greetings could even be exchanged, Saito-san went out into the hallway. The direction he was walking towards was Hijikata-san's room. On the other side of the shoji door was Hijiikata-san, who was racing against the clock to complete his paperwork. His strained and broad shoulders, like the Shinsengumi’s Makoto flag, were majestic and strict. Deep into the night, you're still working hard [check audio]. Although it was impossible [for me] to be heard, I unconsciously whispered that.

Looking up to the night sky, a beautiful moon floated in the sky. Days at headquarters passed by quickly, however every day passed by just as quickly. Nothing seemed to be changing, but there were things that were changing. Although there are often times when I don't know what to do and get confused, and while I am still worried about my father's circumstances, I want to look ahead, and walk forward. I thought this to myself in the glow of the soft moonlight [more literally "soft moonlight falling" but that looks weird and I can't think of a different way to phrase that]. I'll work hard tomorrow too!

-end-

-------------

ended up translating this because i was freaking out for a good 15 minutes about where this was since I thought I lost it and the other dramas I had saved with it... as this drama was saved through a series of images in the wrong folder. 

[musicallisto]

Hi, congrats on 800 followers! Can I please get a Six of Crows ship? I’m have short brown hair (I dyed red last week) and green eyes. I don't mind if im shipped with a girl or a boy. I like reading (no romantic novels), music and photography. I'm Aquarius. I’m very curious. I'm a little shy and even cold at first. I’m not good with feelings, I mostly keep them to myself if I can, but I care deeply for my loved ones and would do anything to help them, even if I'm not very good at giving advice. ☆

hi! here’s your vanilla milkshake, I hope you like it! I ship you with jesper fahey!

You don’t imagine the extent of my joy to be able to add a gif of an actual real person for Jesper... however shall I survive until Aprid 23rd?

For the longest time, you thought the world started and ended at your corner of Fjerda, in your frozen estate by the True Sea.

You were descented from minor Fjerdan nobility, and your father, jaded by Court Life and its political intrigues - and, unofficially, penniless after giving his all for the sempiternal wars on Ravka -, had decided to leave the capital and retire to his family’s estate by the sea a few years after you were born.

All you had ever known were the large, marbled corridors you’d spend entire afternoons wandering, daydreaming about adventures in the confines of the country - or living the lavish life of a true Fjerdan princess, in an outrageously enormous bed of satin sheets...

The house was spacious and beautiful, with a marvelous view over the sea, gently carrying its boats to and fro before you - and you’d stay there on the balcony in your flowy white dress, admiring the ocean until you couldn’t fight the chills of the night creeping up your spine anymore; but as tranquil and languid as your existence was, it was also terribly lonely.

All you longed for was a sibling, a friend, a partner in crime, someone you could explore the world and go on quests with...

... until a lighting bolt tore the silence, one night.

You couldn’t sleep, so you had gone on a walk by the shore as you often did - your father was never worried about it, since you knew the rocks and their cracks like the back of your hand, and would know the way back home even with your eyes closed.

But you were so absorbed by the distant twinkling of stars that you didn’t notice the shadows creeping up behind you until it was too late.

Screams in a language you can’t understand; an arm around your neck in a chokehold, another slipping under your knees; you thrash around, slice all you can, bite and claw at all you can grasp...

Your abductors know better than to let Fjerdan nobility get away from their grasp. They don’t know exactly who you are - but they’ve guessed from the distinguished aspect of your house that there’s a fine sum to gain from whoever will be willing to pay for you - your father for a ransom, or anyone else, in Kerch, who’ll make good use of your services.

Those brothels in Ketterdam pay good money for young girls, they hear - even more so for a Fjerdan pearl.

When they throw you on an overloaded carriage like a potato sack, you’re still yelling at the top of your lungs, pleading for your father, for one of your maids, for anyone to help you.

But no one hears.

You shed all the tears you have in the first night, tossed around in a dark chariot, off to somewhere unknown. Your father hasn’t prepared you for this - nothing, not even your books nor your fantastical imaginary adventures...

But you don’t intend on being sold off that easily. So you devise a plan to get away.

The first opportunity to break free presents itself when your kidnappers force you to board a ship; but they manage to catch you before you’ve run very far.

But second time’s the charm; with nothing better to do during the voyage than to bide your time and gnaw at your bonds, you’re able to slip from your captor’s watch, and blindly run through the harbor - just to get as far as possible from the stench of this floating carcass.

The first thing that strikes you is the odor. You’ve known the sea forever - it’s clear and bright as ice, and smells of fresh mornings and cold salt; never of this green rot that festers everywhere in these streets... and all those chimneys, all those people, who stare you down as you run down these grimy streets, barefoot in your off-white dress...

You understand that you’re farther from home than you’ve ever been, and it’s not a thrilling adventure, it’s terrifying and overwhelming, and you want nothing more than to burst into tears.

But you don’t, because a pair of strangers flag you down in a language you don’t understand.

A tall and lanky dark-skinned boy, wearing vibrant fabric and a self-assured grin; and possibly the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen in your life, all bright eyes and genuine frown.

Paralyzed, you open your mouth, once, twice, incapable of making the slightest sound; until the girl notices your visible discomfort, and, eyeing your pale eyes, asks in the slightest of Ravkan accents;

“Are you Fjerdan?”

You nod with all your soul. You’re ready to cling onto them both for dear life.

“What happened to you?”

Your voice fails you - you can’t explain it - you haven’t even comprehended it all. You were curled up in front of the fireplace just the night before...

“Do you have anywhere to go?”

You shake your head with despair, trying to blink back the tears.

“Come with us. We know someone who’ll help you.”

You don’t mull it over very long. Maybe it’s your sheltered uprbinging that has made you naive; maybe it’s the curiously comforting warmth you see in the Ravkan girl’s eyes; but you simply have no better option, and you can’t understand a word of Kerch, or wherever it is that this barbarian folk speak.

Although your two saviors start arguing, probably about whether or not they can reasonably take you in, your tear-stained cheeks and desperate vulnerability are enough to convince them - so you follow them.

Into the lair of the Dregs, of whom you’ve never heard - and of Kaz Brekker, who you know very well.

After all, he’s the infamous gangster who invaded your homeland, broke into the Ice Court, and stole the Shu boy - or so you saw your father read in the papers. To know that you are under the same roof as that lowlife would be enough to give your father a heart attack...

You’re half convinced that he’ll throw you back to the streets, but Nina and, surprisingly, Jesper as well, plead in your favor with a greatly convincing fervor. You learn that it’s probably because Kaz has much greater worries on his mind - the criminal group is planning on retrieving one of their own from the clutches of a treacherous business partner, or so you’ve gathered.

Either way, you’re more than happy that the terrifying and redoubtable Kaz Brekker is leaving you alone, and that you can enjoy Jesper’s company.

You two become unexpectedly good friends overtime. He comes to visit you at the Crow Club, where you’re staying, almost every day. Yet communication is not your strong suit, especially in a language you don’t understand at all, and you don’t fancy yourself a particularly enthralling girl to be around.

Not when one has lived the life of a criminal, a sharpshooter, a wanderer, a playboy... well, all those things that Jesper prises himself on being, and all those words he’s taught you in Kerch.

(That and the curse words, of course, that you’re a bit intimidated to use at first, until they slip out of your mouth one evening when you drop your plate at dinner with the Dregs, and the entire canteen falls dead silent.)

“Did she just say ‘fuck’?”

“I think she just said fuck.”

“See, Matthias, she wasn’t immediately struck by lighting by Djel’s hand. You won’t die if you say it.”

Speaking of Matthias, he’s also a good friend of yours - it’s comforting and refreshing to have a familiar face around, one of Fjerdan roots and mores.

Although the rest of the group says you’re not that Fjerdan.

“You’re one of the feisty ones, at least.”

“I’m not ‘feisty’. Shut up, Jesper.”

“Ah, I see you’ve been working on the vocabulary I taught you!”

Matthias and you both have a lot of soul-searching and unlearning to do about the outside world - you were raised in particularly bigoted environments, you somewhat less than him. The hatred for the Grisha he’s been taught by the Drüskelle is fear in your case; you’ve been brought up on bedtime stories of bloodthirsty Grisha who devour unruly kids, and war and devastation caused by their unstability and blasphemous magic.

It’s even more of a shock to you when you learn Jesper is a Grisha.

Unbeknownst to you, you’ve started to fall a little for him - how could you not? He’s funny, charming, sarcastic and witty; always has the best stories to tell, and despite it all, sincerely cares for you amidst the chaos of their heist and revenge plans.

But to learn he was the kind of monster - no, the kind of creature - no, the kind of person, you force yourself to correct mentally - that you had been taught to fear for your entire life...

“I’m so sorry. You should never have been there.”

He’s pacing back and forth in your room after a shootout has gone awry and you were caught in the crossifre; it’s the first time he’s ever had to use his Durast powers to get you of the mess - and normally he wouldn’t have, because it’s a secret he wishes he could carry to the grave, but the fear of losing you was too strong...

“Thank god that I was there, though. What would you do without me?”

He’s fidgety and restless, nervously playing with his pistols, and his nervous laugh is all but genuine; and you’re huddled up on your bed, staring him down with wide eyes.

“Jesper, you...”

“Yeah, maybe not the best moment.”

“Jesper...”

“It’s like they have a knack for knowing exactly where we’re gonna be and when...”

“Jesper!”

He abruptly turns to look at you, and his eyes widen. He’s starting to understand, almost, but refuses to believe it. Your voice is a murmur, and you can hardly hold his gaze.

“Jesper, are you... going to hurt me?”

His words die in his throat. He remembers where you’re from... the garbage that they must have filled your ears and head with from the day you were born... how feverish Matthias was with Nina... he looks at his hands, and his Materialki magic rumbles like a dark curse.

“Y/N, you’re scared of me?”

The sheer hurt in his voice breaks your heart. Even though you’re trembling, you let him step closer to you, slowly. It’s Jesper in front of you, not some ungodly monster from legends... Jesper, your Jesper...

“I’m... I’m sorry...”

He cups your face in his hands, warm and just a bit moist, and stares into your eyes with a vulnerability you have never seen in him.

“I’d never do anything to hurt you, Y/N, I swear on my life. All I want is you to be safe...”

Safe from me, if that’s what you wish, he thinks for a split second, but you don’t give him time to doubt; you’ve captured his lips in a frenzied kiss, and hold on for dear life onto his lean shoulders.

Fjerda and its blind hatred is very far from you, now. You're locked in Jesper's embrace, and you won't have to hear their lies anymore.

You know you have nothing to fear from him; not now, and not ever.

800 follower sleepover CLOSED!

[benis413]

meds rant lol

i am so fucking grateful for my meds working. i started taking adhd meds like 1 1/2 yrs ago and it sucked ASS but i essentially got diagnosed, felt pretty fucking pissed at my shitty brain and got stimulants shoved in my face by psychiatrists and ig i kind of thought that would fix me? idk i was really excited and heard other ppl with adhd talking ab how amazing it was to get medicated bc everything “went quiet” and holy shit i would give several toes and a foot for that, but the meds just gave me a shit ton of anxiety and uncontrollable energy for like an hour. i tried just about every adhd pill under the sun and some weird non-stimulant that lowered my blood pressure so much that i passed out lol, and i honestly should not have stayed on the meds i was taking for that long bc the side effects i got were ass, but i was kind of in denial ab them not working. 

i also started taking zoloft in February 2021 and they did fuck all, but the doctors just kept telling me to try a higher dose so i went up to like 100mg and it still didn’t fucking work (shocking, i know) and then in September when i told them i wanted new antidepressants they literally told me to take more walks. i shit you not this bitch of a doctor told me straight up that “meds won’t fix all ur problems for you”. like i already go on walks at least once a day? i did everything they’ve fucking told me to, i went through hell and back and i still felt like SHIT. they eventually gave me cymbalta and oh my fucking god. i remember this one specific night a couple weeks after switching meds where i had just put up my mini christmas tree and i was eating ice cream and i felt genuinely at peace and happy and i just started sobbing bc it was such a fucking relief to finally feel effortlessly happy after months of having to constantly prevent myself from reverting back to my default mode of sadness/numbness. it hasn’t been perfect, i still am pretty unstable and get really low “dips” but for the first time in so long i feel like i dont have to drag myself through life. 

and whaddaya know, it turns out that if you switch ssri meds you can react differently to stimulants, so i recently started taking adhd meds again and they fucking work. i damn near started crying during a math lesson bc i realized that i dont actually hate math, i just cant focus! fuck my eyeliner im crying in the club rn and the past week of school has been so good, ive caught up(almost) with the rest of the class and ive been in school all week (which almost never happens). i didn’t even fall asleep after coming home from school or break down after the week was over! 

it feels fucking fantastic (obviously), but i still feel kind of suspicious, like it feels strange to not be behind on school and just life in general ig. its been so long since i felt so alive, and its fucking february. who feels alive during february?! 

im legitimately terrified that any day now im going to get worse and go back to feeling half-dead. i really fucking hope that this isnt just temporary bc i honestly dont think i could survive getting a glimpse of what i could be and then having it taken away from me lol

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

[doubleshotofsomething]

Needy

[ This is my submission for @sourpatchkidsandacokecan​ ‘s Little Darlin’ Mystery AU challenge. It is a three part soulmate au, inspired by the song Needy by Ariana Grande.]

What happens when you meet the one you had been looking for your entire life, only to find you’re not what they were hoping for?

Summary: You try to move on. You really do. But life just won’t let you.

Pairings: Bucky x Reader, Thor x Reader, Sam x Reader[Purely platonic]

Prompt: soulmate au. song prompt

Warnings: mentions of smut (nothing really major, unless you use a microscope), tiny mentions of abuse(microscopic), panic attack mentions, fluff maybe? for like a second?, angst(i think im getting good at that but probably not), Bucky is an idiot, everyone is an idiot here folks. Proceed with caution.

--

Prologue 

--

Part One: [I admit I’m a little messed up]

“—dizzy yet?” You looked up at Sam, his soft eyes assessing you. “Nauseous?”

You shook your head, lowering your eyes back to the drip attached to your left arm. He was the only one in the room with you. He was always the only in the room with you, willing to wait until you were well enough to leave. Willing to keep you company.

A part of you was thankful, the thought of being alone in the Bruce’s Lab was daunting. Not even the scientist himself was willing to be there throughout the entire process, unless it was absolutely necessary. Or maybe the thought of being alone with you was what kept him from staying every time.

You frowned at the thought, the likeliness of it was unsettling. You didn’t even see Steve as much, anymore.

“You know what would be funny—” Sam grinned, still leaning against the door as he had been for the past hour. “—if he died halfway through the transfusion.”

That would be funny. And you would have genuinely laughed, loud and unapologetic, if swallowing your own spit didn’t still seem like a challenge whenever your soulmate was around, if breathing didn’t seem so impossible. If you heart didn’t have that overwhelming ache that won’t seem to go away anymore.

You would have laughed, honestly, but nothing seemed funnier that your predicament anymore.

“Don’t give him any ideas,” you offer him a genuine smile, “he’d do that just to have the upper hand.”

Just to spite me, you thought bitterly.

Sam chuckled, shoving hands into his jean pockets as he wandered further into the room. He hated the situation just as much as you did, you knew that because he voiced it every time he had to pick you up. But he couldn’t do anything except offer his presence, keep you company until Bruce was done getting whatever he needed from you.

This time, just like the past last two times, he needed your blood.

As it turns out, your soulmate decided to be hero, as if he wasn’t already one, and used his body as a shield to protect his wife from sniper shot. He could have moved her out of the way, if he’s fast enough to get in the way then he’s fast enough to get her out of the way. But he’s an asshole.

He’s an asshole that could have just let her get shot at – she was wearing a bulletproof vest anywhere – but he didn’t, because he probably gets paid to make your life a living hell.

The previous time you had a tube attached to you, he had pushed Tony out of the way and ended up with a poisoned dart attached to his neck. Tony was in his iron man suit, so the dart would have just bounced off. But your mate is an asshole that got himself poisoned, so you had to be pulled out of your best friend’s wedding for a blood transfusion that ended up poisoning you.

Bruce claimed that the poison shouldn’t have been able to enter your bloodstream, that the antibodies in your system were strong enough to fight and render it harmless, that the injection he had given prior was supposed to make it impossible for the toxin to survive. You and Sam called bullshit, hydra base poison was hydra base poison and nothing to keep it from not being toxic, but that didn’t prevent you from being hospitalised for two weeks.

Because your soulmate is an asshole.

“They haven’t come back for more blood—” you frowned as you tried to look passed the lab doors, finding no movement outside of the glass. “—do you think he’s awake?”

Sam frowned at that, turning to face you fully.

You couldn’t feel him anymore, you haven’t been able to since the vows, and you hated yourself for finding some sort of comfort in that. In the fact that he, too, couldn’t feel you anymore.

Sam knew that. One look at the bruising around your neck and he knew that the ties that bind had been damaged for good. Which is why he hated this, more than he could ever put into words. He hated that they all ignored the signs, that they put you in danger, and still made you save his life every time.

“I hope so,” he said, his brown eyes gentle as they continued to watch you. “Because, honestly, you’re starting to look anaemic.”

At that, you grinned at him. “I was wondering why the room was starting to move.”

“Y/N—”

“It’s a joke, Wilson.” You chuckled, shaking your head as you finally removed the drip from your arm, having done so enough times to know what you need to do. “I think that’s enough blood for now, anyway.”

It wasn’t a joke. The room had been moving since you stepped into the Tower, but they needed blood and the thought of declining didn’t sit well with you. It continued to move as you made your way to the lab, your feet taking you there on instinct, as if going to the lab was as routine as going to bed. Even now, as your heart rate had finally calm down and Sam’s presence had eased your anxious stomach, it still moved at the thought of the idiot you’d let get under skin.

Assholes and idiots were truly your Achilles’ heel.

 He was awake.

You found out an hour later, after Bruce had cleared you and Sam had successfully convinced you to stay the night. You were too dizzy to be trusted on your own, and you couldn’t find it in yourself to force Sam to take you back home. So, you gave in.

He was still recovering, too weak to leave his bed. A part of you silently hoped he remained that way for the rest of the night, while a part of Sam vocally hoped he didn’t make it through the night.

Everyone else laughed and took that as a joke.

You laughed because you knew it wasn’t.

Sam stayed in the living room with everyone else, while you chose to go to your designated room for the night. You had accepted a little while back that this - whatever friendship you were trying to form with the group - would never work. It would never - could never, be genuine.

You wanted a soulmate, your soulmate, and they wanted a peaceful living environment. Resentment made for a terrible working environment and your presence brought about a truck load of it. So, naturally, they couldn't side with you even if they wanted to.

You hadn't noticed at first, the shift in the room whenever you were around. You just assumed it was the result of your nerves, or their unfamiliarity with you. So, you tried to ease the tension, to make it bearable for everyone involved. They had dealt with people trying to dismantle them, turn them against each other, and you just needed them to understand that that wasn't who you were.

Then, as the trips to the lab became more frequent, and Sam remained the only constant, you realised what the problem really was - you.

It didn't matter how good of a person you thought you were. Or needed them to know you were. Bucky would marry Wanda, and they would do nothing to help you stop that.

Bruce entertained your small talk because he was just nice, not because he was your friend.

Steve remained by your side only when necessary, only after your fights with Bucky, as if to ensure that you wouldn't lash out. As if you were that kind of person.

Natasha and Clint, in the brief moments that you had shared with them, were polite but always quick to leave the room. According to Sam, your entire situation was scary to them.

Tony only ever greeted in, only ever in passing. You were almost certain that you had talked more with Jarvis, than you had with him.

Sam was the only one that actually bothered with you, which was a problem for the team. Bucky didn't trust him to have his back anymore - not when he would side with you at any chance he got - and that made it impossible to send them both into field together.  You tried to avoid him, he was an Avenger before he was your anything, figuring that you were doing the both of you a favour.

Rather drift apart than lose his friendship in the worst way, you figured.

But he was persistent. And patient. And had terribly good taste in music, and a great humour. And you were lonely and weak, and in desperate need of a friend.

So, you stopped ignoring his call as much as before. Stopped ignoring him every time he showed up at your place. You stopped denying yourself his consistency and started accepting that he wasn't terrible company for someone who hated labs.

You knew where you stood with everyone, at least you no longer had to force things.

 --

 "You're not even gonna say bye?"

Blue eyes stared back at you, trapping you in his gaze as your hand remained frozen over the car door handle.

He shouldn't be awake. You were quiet. You had woken up an hour earlier than usual to avoid bumping into any one of them, but clearly you weren't quiet enough for the super soldier to not hear you.

Bucky shrugs, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants. "Figured you'd stay for breakfast, at least."

He says that so casually, so naturally, as if this was okay. As if what you two had - could have had, should have had - didn't fall apart at his hands. As if the marks on your neck would disappear within a couple of weeks, as if this was normal.

"I have things to do." Is your quiet response, neutral, as if your heart isn't beating painfully against your chest.

He frowns, taking a step forward, a step that has your eyes widening slightly at his movement.

"It's four a.m.," he states, eyebrows furrowing and face churning with a hint of disappointment. Disappointment with you, always you. "Calm down, doll, I can feel your heartbeat from here."

It's your turn to frown. He shouldn't be able to feel you, not anymore. Not after he chose her.

He seems to think that too, because he shrugs and lets out a sigh. "It's kinda hard to stay on bed rest when your anxiety is stronger than that coffee you drink."

You don't respond. You never do lately, and he understands that, knows that it's his fault. But you had moved to a different place, gotten a new number, changed workplaces, and he had to find all that out the hard way. With changed locks that his key no longer unlocks, sympathetic looks from the receptionist when she tells him that you quit over a month ago, and a different voice in the voicemails everytime he calls your old number. Despite both of your histories, you were still bonded to each other and you could at least talk to him.

You hate that he's doing this, to you, again. That he pushes you away, tells you he loves another woman, but still wants you to dance to the tune he's playing. You hate yourself even more for being too weak for this, too much for him.

His hair was still tousled and messy, his shirt wrinkled, and you hated seeing this part of him. Because this is the part that she gets, the part that should have been yours. The part of him that isn't fights and holes in walls and panic attacks in the middle of a shower.

This is the part that didn't have demons and freightcar and rusted and shattered glass every time you opened your mouth. This is the part that you don't get to have, because he could never give it to you, because Hydra was good, so damn good at making Winter Soldiers that the Soldat could never really leave Bucky.

Not while you're still alive.

"Breakfast?" he asks, after a moment of watching you. "Steve and I could drive you to work afterwards, I'm sure you still have some of your formal clothes here."

You shake your head at him, not able to find the words. Because this isn't how you pictured your relationship with your mate would be.

But this was the card you were dealt.

"Lunch?"

You frown.

"Come on, doll--" he runs his fingers - flesh, because metal is only ever reserved for you - through his hair, "--I'm trying to make up for everything."

"I have to go." You insist and get into your car before he can drag the conversation out, talk you into staying, into giving him parts of yourself he could never give back.

You leave and he lets you, for once. His chest heavy with the weight of your emotions, an ache for something he could never understand.

He couldn't be what you wanted, as much as he wishes he could. But he still wanted you to be happy. He'd give anything for you to be happy - almost anything.

Weren't you tired of being lonely?

 --

 You should have known who he was.

Who else could still stand after being hit by a car, at the speed you were driving?

But your vision was bleary, your stomach was cramping, and you weren't sure if your periods were early or if you were about to have another episode.

You should have known who he was. Who else could have been his height, had his strength and still asked if you were okay?

You don't usually cry when you first meet someone. But you cried when you met him.

You had rushed out of your car as soon as your actions registered in your head, practically stumbled your way to him, and wheezed as you fell on your knees in front of him.

"Are you alright?' His voice is deep, way too deep, as deep as the pit in your stomach it seemed.

You continued to wheeze, eyes wide with trepidation, struggling to find the strength to repeat his words to him.

You were having a panic attack; you were sure of it. You had left Bucky on an uncomfortable note and spent the entire day driving around in circles, avoiding your apartment. Scared that he had put a tracker, that he was following, that he would be waiting for you inside, vaguely aware that that line of thought wouldn't do you any good. Especially on your day off.

"Dead!" Is the first word that comes out of your mouth as your eyes frantically scan over him. "So dead! Oh, my, god--"

"Uh--"

"Gonna be attached to a tube in a prison cell--" your crawled closer to him, frantically feeling at him in search of any broken bones. "--I can't do prison. I couldn't-- I can't-- I'm not--oh, my, god!"

You couldn't calm down, not even as he assured you that he was fine, that he had survived far worse than a little bump.

Your car was dented where it had hit him, but he still got up without any difficulty. He helped you up as you gaped at him, still in shock and still rambling about things that neither of you understood.

He parked your car for you, took out your grocery bags - you didn't need to buy any of the things in them, but you were stalling so you bought whatever you thought you needed - and carried your things up the staircase with you.

You were still shaking and rambling and terrified. He took your keys and unlocked your door for you, letting you go in first.

You should have been terrified of him, he was a complete stranger and he could overpower you. He could do with you as he pleased.

But he told you a story about his brother pretending to be a snake when they were kids, and how his best friend would be proud to know that she wasn't the only one that could knock him off his feet.

Then he told you about his pet rabbit while extending his hand mid-air, caught an umbrella that flew in through the door and smiled at you.

Blue eyes crinkled at the corners as he watched you watch him, waiting.

You should have known who he was. What other human looked like him?

"Holy shit--" You cry again, harder than before, than earlier, because you hit an Avenger with your car and now, they knew where you lived.

Thor's smile disappeared slowly, then all at once. His eyebrows furrowed as he watched you back away from, his chest tightened when you started rambling about nearly killing him, and he was holding you before he even realised he had crossed the room.

He had been on Earth long enough to know that midgardian women had a habit of crying out of nowhere or for the oddest of reasons. They cried when they were happy, and sad, and angry, and holding them seemed to work every time.

So, he held you as you cried in the middle of your doorway, with the door wide open. He held you as you wheezed so hard, you passed out. Then he set you gently on your couch and waited for you to wake, to make sure you were alright.

 You woke up to a dry throat, swollen eyes, a headache and the god of Thunder hovering over you, staring.

His smiles as you groan, eyes lighting up as you attempt to sit on your couch.

You used to have a couch big enough to fit two, comfortable enough for two to cuddle, because you were preparing for two. You sold that couch when you moved, you sold everything when you moved, and replaced it with furniture for one - and the annoyingly comfortable armchair for Sam, because why not.

You narrow your eyes at Thor, which entices his smile to widen as he leans back and sits upright on your coffee table.

"I made you something to eat." He's grinning proudly, and the cynic in you is almost certain that whatever it is, it's probably poisoned.

He made you cereal. He must have made it a while ago as well because it's swollen and soggy from the milk it absorbed, and it looks like it had been left out in the open the entire time. It probably has been.

You look between him and the bowl, then narrow your eyes at him further.

"Did you eat that?" You ask, your voice sounding croaky and disgusting to your ears.

He shakes his head, frowning at the bowl. "The milk smelled curiously funny. Is it flavoured?"

"It's rotten." You forgot to get milk while you were shopping, you also forgot to throw away the carton that was in the fridge.

"Thought as much." He hums, setting the bowl back on the floor. "Midgard does have peculiar things, so I just assumed this was another one of it."

You blink at him, his eyes startlingly warm, too warm for him to be an Avenger.

"Midgard is what we call Earth," he continues, taking your silence for confusion. "We, as in Asgardians."

You know. You had been to the Tower enough times to know.

He watches you, sky blue scanning over your frame, and you suppress the urge to shudder. You're hugging the thin blanket that had been thrown over you, assumingly by him, feet still stretched out on the couch as you subconsciously attempt to sink further into it.

His eyes fall at the cotton on your arm, an expression that you can't quite read cross his face.

He must have been so used to people welcoming him with open arms, that he didn't think this situation was odd.

"You know--" he scratches at his stubble, eyes still glued to your arm, "--the last time I got hit by a car, I ended up in a hospital and woke up to eat pop tarts."

You blame the headache. You're hearing things and seeing Avengers in your apartment because of the headache. Plus, you were low on blood at the moment, so it must be that as well.

"Are you--" you pause to swallow, suddenly aware of how achingly dry your throat is. He seems to notice and is handing you a bottle of water before you can finish.

You frown, sure that he poisoned it as well, but still drink the water because there are worse ways to go -- and you survived poisoned once, maybe you could again. Best two out of two.

You let out a relieved sigh, the water cool as it trickles down your chin and soothes your throat. You're about to use the back of your hand to wipe at the water, but his hand presses a napkin to you before you can even lift it.

"I'm not sick," you tell him, and he shushes you as he continues dabbing at your chin. "I can do that myself."

"I witnessed you drop your key three times in a row before I intervened, so I seriously doubt it."

 He stayed until he was certain that you would be alright on your own.

He stayed until you were half-asleep on the couch and practically kicked him out.

Then he stayed the night when he had accidently walked in while you were in the middle of another panic attack.

He stayed until you started meeting each other during your lunchbreaks, at a cafe a few blocks from your work.

He stayed, with your hand in his hair and on his cheek, with his lips on yours and his arms around you.

He stayed, with his body on yours, connected in ways only lovers know. With his heat surrounding you, between you, within you. Chest to chest, lips to lips, he stayed.

He stayed, in your home, and then you woke up one morning to find him everywhere all at once. The toothbrush next to yours, shirts mixed up with his, beer next to the juice. He was in the warmth waiting for you on the couch and in your bed everyday - you, no longer shocked but expecting to find it every time.

He stayed, filling in the gaps, fixing the showerhead and the creak of your door and that window that wouldn't budge.

He stayed until you couldn't remember why you had cereal for dinner, while you waited for the food you ordered.

He stayed until he answered the door, and Bucky stood on the other side of it.

He stayed, until he didn't.

You should have known who he was. Who else could build you up and break you back down like an Avenger?

-----------

A/N: I stared at the word prologue so long, i dont think im spelling it right

[staruplatinum]

Wicked Game, part II

Everyone wanted a sequel to wicked game, the story I wrote for @moody-bloosh​ in which Prosciutto cheats on the reader. That story was all angst and this one is all smut.

so, enjoy 3,240 words of the reader having revenge sex with Risotto, filming it and sending the video to prosciutto ;-)

warnings: angst, slow burn, smut, creampie, gaping, dirty talk, rough sex, squirting

The hardest part was trying to survive the next few weeks. Only a week had passed, but in that time, your (now)ex-fiancee had already packed up his things and left to go live with Formaggio. Pesci had come by to apologize, and also ask for reassurance.

 “I’m still your friend, right!?”

“Yes, Pesci.”

You felt like your whole world was falling apart, and at an extremely fast rate. The sharp pains in your chest, hyperventilating, the tears - mixed with being completely numb -  it almost felt like too much to bear. It was almost as if someone had told you Prosciutto was dead - funny enough, you wished he was after putting you through this. 5 years of dating and 6 months of being engaged lead to this. He threw it all away, and you could never forgive him.

As you walked  back to your apartment one night, you slammed the door shut and made sure to lock it behind you. 

Nighttime was the hardest. The darkness always made you contemplate everything, and you hated it. For what felt like the millionth time this week, your eyes started watering once again.

How could he do this to me? I thought he loved me..

Your thoughts were interrupted, however, when you heard a dreaded knock at the door. Instantly, your body froze. You hesitated a moment, before checking through the eye-hole to see who it was. To your surprise, it was your capo: Risotto Nero. He hadn’t visited you yet since the rest of the gang had “found out”.

You sucked in a deep breath as you undid the chain lock from the door and let him in slowly. 

What an odd coincidence.

“Risotto I-” you paused, sniffling and using the sleeves of your house coat to rub the dripping mascara from your eyes. “What brings you here at this hour?” You tried to hide the fact that you had been crying. 

He shut the door behind himself quietly and spoke.

“I was using metallica to hide from the public, and I saw you crying on the way home.” He said bluntly. 

“Oh.”

“I followed you back here, to make sure you got in safe. But I assumed something may have happened. I wanted to check in with you to make sure Prosciutto was with you.” your Capo added.

You let out a big sigh and soft chuckle of sarcasm.

“Yeah? Well, he won’t be here with me. Not ever.” 

You wiped under your eyes, trying to hide the fact that you had been crying - though it was painfully obvious. 

Confused, Risotto slightly cocked his eyebrow, unsure of what you meant. Then you realized that he didn’t know what had happened..you smiled, and gently patted his arm.

“He cheated on me, Ris. and from what I found out, this wasn’t the first time either..” You began to say, feeling your tears start to water in your eyes. You looked down, trying to conceal it. “He’s been cheating on me for months. He just wants me as a housewife, meanwhile he fucks other whores every weekend. I keep thinking over and over - is it me? Am I ugly? Am I bad at sex?.. I guess I really was never enough for him.” And just like that, your tears spilt once again. So much for hiding your tears. 

Risotto took off his shoes, hat, and coat before he pulled you in for a hug. Most people would frown upon this - you hugging your Capo, but you had known him long before Prosciutto, and he had loved you long before that. 

You spent a few moments of silence in his arms, crying away your pain. It was weird, but Risotto’s hugs always felt like heaven. They were so fulfilling and calm, it truly felt like nothing bad had happened to you! Or maybe that was the serotonin talking…

After a few moments, you pulled away. “Im sorry, I-I don’t mean to cry on you I’m just so-”

“Shh.” Risotto said, pressing a finger to your lips to silence you. “You don’t have to explain, y/n. If Prosciutto wasn’t one of my most valued men, I would kill him for you. You know that.” 

Small hiccups left your mouth as you nodded, acknowledging his soft - but deadly - words as he cupped your cheeks, gently caressing them with his thumbs.

“How about I make us both some tea and we talk about it, Bella.” 

You smiled through your tears, leaning into his large palm. 

“I would love that.”

-

Risotto was familiar with your kitchen. He came here many times for meetings with you and Prosciutto. Some occasions, it was almost like a second home to him. After preparing you both a hot cup of chamomile tea, he brought it over to the coffee table and sat with you. Despite your efforts to not stare him down, it was nearly impossible to do considering his massive chest, tattooed biceps and toned torso were right next to you. 

Risotto smirked.

“See something you like?”

You blushed at his words. 

“Maybe.” 

It was a weird and awkward silence between you both. On one hand - you were beyond livid with your ex-fiancee, and you wanted nothing more than to get revenge on him. But at the same time, being this close to Risotto and having him be there for you, listening to you - it was a whole other soft feeling in your body that you couldn’t describe. Prosciutto never listened to you.

“I’m sorry he cheated on you, Tesoro. You didn’t deserve that.” Your Capo said, breaking the silence and taking a drink of the tea.

“I don’t know, Risotto. I feel like nobody will ever love me.” 

Your words hurt risotto to hear. He had known you for so long. You were beautiful, and the fact that Prosciutto made you feel anything lower than that really aggravated him. And knowing Risotto, nothing ever really made him upset - he is usually kept his cool. 

“That’s not true.”

Risotto grabbed you gently and pulled you in for a hug, inhaling  the scent of your soft hair as you laid on his chest, snuggling into his warmth. His large hand caressed your back, gently rubbing you in a comforting manner. Being with him like this caused shivers to go down your spine.He always knew what to say, and how to make you feel so good.

Then it hit you.

“Can you cuddle me in my bed, Capo?” You asked teasingly, though there was a hint of innocence in your voice. “What the hell are you doing?!” you thought to yourself while smirking. he was being so tempting. It was so perfect, laying on him like this. But at the same time, you genuinely wanted to cuddle with him. After not sleeping right for over a week, it would have been so comforting to fall asleep in his warm, safe arms. But deep down, both you and Risotto knew where this was going.

Placing your teacups down (on the coasters that Prosciutto always insisted you use-) you grabbed Risottos hand gently and guided him to your bedroom. 

A perk to living with Prosciutto was that the house was always clean, and your bedroom was no exception. It was probably one of the only things you admire about your ex-fiance, the fact that he was so clean. Your entire apartment was extremely minimalistic - something that instantly caught Risotto’s attention every time he had come to visit in the past. But now, with Prosciutto’s things gone, it had a different kind of emptiness to it. One that Risotto wanted to fill, and make a “home” out of. 

“Do you have a camera, tesorina?” he asked, keeping a straight face, while he tried to focus on his newfound idea.

“Yeah, why?”

“Go get it for me.” 

You nodded, following his orders and pulling the Camera out from the box in the closet. 

“I don’t understand why you need the camera - “ 

“Well, I can’t kill Prosciutto - no matter how badly I want to-  because he is like family to me, and he’s an amazing member of our squad. “

You crossed your arms and rolled your eyes. He was supposed to cuddle you and comfort you, not tell you how great your CHEATING ex fiance was. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing! 

“But I have a better way to get back at him.” Risotto said, looking over to you and slowly undoing his belt. Then, you understood. Your snarky attitude went away and you smiled.

“Oh yeah? What’s the plan then… Capo”

Risotto used his hand to pull you by the chin, grinning down at you. “How about your Capo fucks your tight little pussy, records it,  and sends the video to your ‘ex-beloved’”

His dark eyes stared down at your smaller form, trying to see what kind of reaction he’d get from this. Risotto wasn’t the type to do something if you didn’t want to. But what other idea could have helped you? You were all alone, not eating properly, not sleeping properly, meanwhile Prosciutto was off living what seemed to be a “good” life with his new hooker every night. Plus, Pesci so kindly took him in. (more like he had to because Prosciutto gu8ilt tripped him into it.)

The look on your face said it all. It was good. It was too good. This was the safest and easiest way to get back at Prosciutto. You bit your lip in anticipation. It was so wrong - to sleep with your capo. But you’d be a liar if you said you didn’t want him to destroy you. And, you really wanted to get back at Prosciutto. 

You smirked, passing him the camera and tripod, watching him set it up “perfectly” on the Vanity, which was right across from your queen sized bed. Risotto clicked the red button on the camera and before you knew it, you were both being filmed. 

“Take off your clothes. Now,”

That wasn't a question, it was an order. And boy, were you eager to obey.

As you tossed your clothes on the floor, you remained in just your lace panties and bra. 

“All of your clothes.”Risotto said, continuing to pull down his pants, leaving himself in his black boxers. You obeyed, unhooking your bra to expose your tits into the open. Your nipples instantly hardened from the cold air in the room. Your underwear came next, exposing your pussy and plump ass to your Capo. He smirked as You got down on your knees and looked up at him, fingers gently grazing across the massive bulge in his boxers. 

“So? Are you going to suck my cock or are you just going to sit there and look pretty?” Risotto asked, threading his fingers through your hair and scalp. 

Risotto wasn’t one for much dirty talk. You knew your capo as the stoic, intimidating man he was. And normally, he would never break that facade. However, finally having you like this at his mercy… it triggered something inside of him. He wanted to love you, yes. But he also wanted to wreck you and make sure that the camera got every moment of it. What better way to do that then to dirty talk you?

You nodded, biting your lip and looking at the camera - Shaking Risotto out of his thoughts once again.

“Of course, Signore.” 

Prosciutto used to beg you to call him that, so saying it directly to the camera was your subtle way to say : ‘Fuck You’, and proceed with the video. 

Risotto pulled out his big cock, completely hard and standing erect in the open. Your eyes lit up. He was so huge, how were you supposed to take all of him?

“What’s wrong, Tesorina? Too big for you?” 

You chuckled softly as he began to jerk himself off slowly. 

“Mhm. I don’t know how this will fit in my mouth, let alone my pussy .” You said, grabbing his shaft lightly with your fingers. He huffed at your statement, more or less from the anticipation of you touching him like this. As you stroked it a few times, you looked to the camera once again. “This is definitely an upgrade. Hah. and I thought 7 inches was a lot.” 

Ouch.

You both soon got over the awkwardness and shortly after you both were horny enough to do some regrettable things. You opened your mouth, having risotto place the head of his cock on your tongue, tapping it a few times before you eagerly took the head in. Your tongue swirled around it, trying your best to use your saliva to take more of him in, though, with your small mouth you knew that would be a challenge. 

Risottos hand gripped your hair tighter, urging you to take more than just the tip inside of your warm mouth, after all, you were going to want to make sure that both of you were properly ‘lubed’ up. 

“That’s good, cara” Risotto said, encouraging you to go deeper. You complied, taking in two more inches, your mouth salivating and stretching around his massive girth. Just like that, he was already hitting the back of your throat.

You giggled, looking up at him and batting your lashes as you pulled back a little - only to shove your face forward even more, taking half of his 10 inches in your mouth and down your throat.

“Fuck…” 

Risotto grunted. He was not the type of man to fall so easily. He wasn’t the type of man to give in, or even make many noises during sex. But you… you were breaking him and the two of you just barely started.

Risotto pulled his cock away from you abruptly, a trail of saliva connecting the top of his cock to your bottom lip, glistening in the low lamp light.

“Get on the bed.” Risotto said, breathing heavily. 

“You don’t have to ask twice.” You winked.

As you got up on the bed, you figured it would be best to just get in doggy style position directly. This seemed to impress Risotto, and he smiled at you. A dark smile - but still a smile nonetheless.

Risotto angled your ass so that it was facing the camera - exposing your asshole and slick pussy. He traced one of his calloused fingers along your slit, before abruptly shoving it inside. You moaned out in pleasure, catching his attention.

“That’s just a finger,” He stated.

You laughed, hiding your face in the pillow from embarrassment. 

“I know…” You added, too shy to look at him. 

He pulled your hair, forcing your head back as he added two more fingers inside of you, curling them downwards so he could hit your g-spot. 

“Oh fuck…” you breathed, sudenly overcome by the sensation of being at his mercy. 

“Keep making noise tesoro, I want to hear you scream for me.” 

All you could do was nod and moan, and before you knew it - your orgasm was approaching. 

“Ris- I-Im cumming!!” you shouted. Risotto chuckled darkly and pulled out at the last second, replacing his fingers with the head of his cock. 

His cock stretched your cunt out harshly, despite all the prep you had. Though you were disappointed about being denied your orgasm, you moaned into the pillow below you. You desperately tried to arch your back up so the camera got a good angle of risotto pressing a good portion of his 10inches inside you. It took you a few minutes to get used to his length, but risotto was a patient man. In fact, he waited almost 6 years to make you his, surely this would be an easy task. 

Risotto leaned down and whispered in your ear. 

“Take it all, Tesoro. We have a point to prove.” 

His words only turned you on further, and you moaned out his name. He smiled and leaned back up, making sure to prove a point. 

Risotto’s large hand came down on your ass, striking it hard. 

“Ugh- YOURE so - fucking tight.”

“Mmn. Only for you Signore”

“That’s right. This cunt belongs to me now.”

With the head of his large cock hitting your cervix with every thrust, you were sure you’d be bruised in the morning. 

“Do you like when your capo fucks you?” 

He was being mean, asking you things when you could barely form coherent sentences. 

He slapped your ass again.

“I asked you a question, Puttana.”

You swallowed your spit and nodded.

“Y-yes! Yes Signore. I love when you fuck me. No one can compare!”

That was just what Risotto needed to hear from you, and without waiting any further, he commanded you to cum for him.

“Cum for me tesorina, cum all over your Capo’s cock you filthy whore.”

And you did, your whole body shook, and you fell forward, moaning his name over and over as you squirt your juices all over the sheets, and all over your Capo.

Risotto followed soon after, Pressing his cock as deep as he could before cumming inside, shooting his load right at your cervix. 

After Risotto pulled out, he forced you to stay with your ass up in the air. He moved around so that his cock was by your head, and his hands were on your ass once again. You didn’t know what he was doing, but it became very apparent when he hooked two fingers (from each hand) inside your cunt. He spread you open wide, chuckling darkly as he watched your pussy gape, and watched his cum start to ooze out of you. 

“Look at you, Tesoro. You can’t even keep my load inside of you…” 

You were too spent to even say anything but moan. 

“Did I really stretch you out that much?”

That question was rhetorical. Though you couldn’t see what you looked like down there yourself, you could feel it. Risotto had a big girth to him, 6inches, to be exact, and as soon as he pulled out of you - slumped over and exhausted, you felt so empty. The camera was picking up everything as well, and when prosciutto saw this tape you were sure he’d be ruined by it. 

Risotto got up from the bed and grabbed the camera from the tripod, bringing it back over to you. He focused the lens on your cunt, which was still gaping and slowly dripping out his seed. He held your ass check with his hand, admiring his work, before zooming in.

“Do you like having my load inside of you?” 

“Mnm yes capo! You know how to fill me right up. ~” you purred. 

“Good, because you’re mine now” he hissed, slapping your ass once more and turning the camera off. 

-

A few days later, Prosciutto got a tape in the mail. He watched it, with the help of melone (he was too suspicious to ever watch a video alone) and what he saw.. Shattered him.

Melone found it interesting, but prosciutto ushered him out, cussing a slew of words in Italian. 

He needed… a moment. It seemed like smoking 10 packs of cigarettes wouldn't even be able to help him, and the worst part was - he couldn’t even kill risotto. He was his superior..

Prosciutto went to the same bar he always did that night, and picked up another hooker. As he fucked her, he couldn’t help but think of you, and everything he lost because of his selfishness. 

It really was over.

[cloudy-ocs]

— masterlist

1. The Survival Show

mari and jisung were aware of the mutual hatred between each other, they tried not to let it show during filming, but they did have their slip ups.

mari and felix were eliminated together, this was shocking to not only the boys but to everyone watching. for their to not only be two eliminations in one but to also have both the foreigners be eliminated, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

and unfortunately, someone had very strong feelings about it.

when jyp walked out mari was the first to let her emotions free, she covered her mouth as she began crying, arms automatically locking around the boy next to her, both shocked and disappointed.

the two got around, saying their goodbyes, hugging each of the boys, apologising profusely. there was really only one person left to say goodbye to, and that was jisung, who had his arms crossed as he tried not to cry.

when mari pulled him into a hug he didn’t refuse, though he didn’t make an effort to hug her back, only leaning in to whisper his disappointment to her.

“maybe if you listened to me and tried harder, you wouldn’t be leaving us behind.” and with that he pulled himself away from her, ignoring the look he had received from chan.

“i’m sorry.”

2. When They Became 10 Again

there was no way to describe the feelings she felt, the support from the audience, the boys, jyp, it left her feeling warm and excited.

felix, minho and mari all shared a hug, gripping each other tightly, almost as though letting go would mean one of them would leave again. they felt the others crowd around them, forming a larger hug around the three, everyone smiling from ear to ear.

the group dispersed into smaller groups, everyone celebrating the return of the three members with cheers and hugs.

that night was truly a night of surprises for mari, as jisung walked up to her, though he didn’t look too happy, and gave her an awkward hug, patting her back before letting go.

“welcome back, not that i missed annoying you or anything, i still hate you.”

and for once, mari didn’t take offence to it, giving him a smile she shook her head.

“i hate you too.”

3. That One V-Live “iM AUSTRALIAN.”

“who’s that behind the door? oh there’s someone behind the door ?” mari didn’t actually think anyone was behind her, she focused on the screen trying to watch for any movement and when she came up short she went back to the comments, not realising that there in fact, was, someone behind her.

he creeped up behind her as slowly and quietly as he could in a dance studio, though halfway through his patenience ran thin and he decided to just bolt at her instead.

he ran up behind her and slammed his hands against her as he yelled out, successfully scaring mari and making her drop the device she was using.

“jisung, what the hell!” clearly he was amused as he was now clutching his stomach whilst laughing.

“you should’ve seen how high you jumped, you were like a cat.”

unamused, mari got up and grabbed the gym ball closest to her, the camera capturing both of them perfectly in frame.

“yeah you wanna see what’s funny?” and without giving him a chance to respond, she threw the exercise ball, watching as it hit him square in the chest, laughing at him as he fell back.

however, the ball had rebounded off of him and was now about to hit mari square in the face.

without a second to dodge, mari was hit by the ball, also falling back from the impact.

the two, now both of the floor, looked at each other for a moment before laughing, not together but at one another.

“imagine being dumb enough to get hit by the balk you threw.”

“imagine being so weak you literally fly from the impact.”

“i’M NOT WEAK, I GO TO THE GYM WITH CHAN.”

“i’m gonna tell him you didn’t use formalities.”

“you never use formalities, hypocrite.”

“i’M AUSTRALIAN.”

4. Learning How To Produce

“you’re so bad at this, it’s actually painful to watch.”

“jisung, shut up, ive never done something like this before.” he laughed at her as she pouted, eyes still focused on the screen as she tried adding more bass to the song.

“you’re gonna overdo it.”

“i like a heavy bass, stop distracting me.”

“you’re gonna make the bass too overpowering and it’s gonna sound bad.”

“you sound bad.”

“i do not sound bad, thank you very much.”

“okay, sungie.”

he smiled triumphantly as she continued to work on the song, her mind solely focused on the production of the song, her eyes zoned in and her tongue slightly poking out between her lips.

“i think i’m done.” mari smiled proudly at the screen, then to jisung, who was already staring at her in amusement.

“okay, play it.”

so, jisung may have been right on the overdoing it, but mari wasn’t about to let him know that, he didn’t need a bigger ego boost.

“i love it.” she said whilst cringing outwardly at the sound.

she huffed, pausing the song before sheepishly turning towards jisung.

“can you help me fix it?”

“what’s the magic word?”

“...please?”

“wrong.”

“i-”

“tell me i am the most talented, amazing, handsome all rounder idol you’ve ever met.”

“lying is a sin, jisung.”

“i hate you.”

“it’s mutual.”

he glared at her then at the screen where the composed song was layed out, his glare turning into him trying to hold back his laughter.

“i’m sorry, i really don’t want to laugh but, it’s so bad. i didn’t even realise someone could make a song composition this bad.”

mari frowned at him, this time she was genuinely upset. sure it wasn’t the best, but she tried, and she was proud of herself, or was proud of herself.

she wasn’t necessarily angry at jisung, but her feelings were hurt and her ego was crushed, she sniffed before pulling the keyboard towards her, deleting the whole song before grabbing her hoodie and walking out of the studio.

she ignored jisung’s calls of her name and continued towards the elevator, okay so maybe she was being over dramatic, but she didn’t like being laughed at, no one likes being laughed at.

“mari i’m sorry, it wasn’t that bad, i was just teasing.”

“go away, i’m going back to the dorms.”

“please don’t go back with puffy eyes, they’re gonna think i made you cry and then felix is gonna get mad at me.”

“you did make me cry.”

“i said i’m sorry, here, i’ll help you make a better song, free of the magic word.”

“it wasn’t even a word you idiot.”

“that’s bullying.” he shut his mouth as she glared at him, wiping her tears as she held his gaze, he sighed before grabbing her wrist and gently pulling her back to the room, forcing her to sit back in the chair.

“i promise i’ll help you, and i won’t laugh, i know how hard it is when you first start.”

“exactly, you jerk.”

“i was just tEASING YOU.”

“yOU WERE BEING MEAN, you laughed at me.”

he let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing his face in annoyance before exhaling once again.

“okay, i’m sorry, i swear i won’t laugh.”

mari went quiet, looking down at her hands before slowly looking back up at him, holding out her pinky.

“pinky promise?”

“i-” he rolled his eyes, trying to hold back his smile as he linked his pinky with hers.

“pInkY PrOmise.”

“dONT MOCK ME.”

5. The Sydney oPrAh House

“i love sydney.”

“i know you do, mar.”

“i’ve missed sydney.”

“i know you have.”

“i want to go see the sydney opera house, jisung.”

“i know- wait what.”

“the sydney opera house? i wanna go see it.”

“opera? wait i’m so confused, i thought it was the sydney oprah house...”

“...”

“it’s opera?”

“are you dumb?”

“DONT QUESTION MY INTELLIGENCE, IM VERY SMART.”

“YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OPRAH THIS WHOLE TIME? WHAT NEXT, ‘oh i thought it was one of oprah’s houses’?”

“... maybe.”

“you’re annoying.”

“how do you even know that word? your korean isn’t even that good.”

“i take full offence to that.”

“good, you were meant to.”

“i hate you.”

“don’t worry mar, it’s mutual.”

and as the two bicker back and forth, chan and minho stare at them from a distance, watching in amusement as they argue.

“they love each other.”

“oh for sure, if something happened to mari, jisung would go wild.”

“same goes for mari.”

“ah, kids.”

[freddiesaysalright]

The Most Dramatic Season Ever - The Men Tell All

Summary: It’s your time now! You are ABC’s new Bachelorette and this is your journey! All these men (including our fav BoRhap boys and then some) are competing for your heart! Will you find love? Will you get engaged at the end? Or will you end up heartbroken? Find out, on the most dramatic season ever!

Word Count: 7.2k

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A/N: Alright, it’s the Men Tell All! Don’t worry, you’ll find out what happens with Y/N and Gwil before we get into the drama ;) ALSO thank you all for the love and support since I lost my grandfather. Today, I was at work and had lots of time to write, so I was able to finish up this chapter for you. You’re all so sweet about this story, and to me in general, and I appreciate it so much :)

Warning(s): Mentions of racism, mentions of bullying

Night 1  Week 1  Week 2  Week 3  Week 4  Week 5  Week 6  Week 7

The Men Tell All let’s go!!!

Chris: Hi. I’m Chris Harrison, and welcome to The Men Tell All. A live show where we revisit the most talked about guys on TV for the past few weeks. But before we get into all that, last week, we left off with our Bachelorette Y/N and her final three men in New Zealand. Y/N told not one, not two, but all three men that she is in love with them. An unprecedented move for a Bachelorette. She had two magical nights of romance with Ben and with Joe, who have both said they are in love with her as well. But when confronted about his feelings, Gwilym confessed to Y/N that he’s not ready to say ‘I love you’, and he won’t be unless he’s the one down on one knee at the end of this journey. Y/N told him she needs to know if he’s in love before she could accept a proposal from him. But - will they even get that far? Find out what happens next, right now.

The studio audience applauded and watched the screen.

***

“I dunno, Y/N. I just don’t know.”

You sighed heavily and looked at Gwilym’s troubled face.

“Well, I know where I am,” you said. “This is the first time we haven’t been on the same page.”

“You know how tough this is,” he said. “Being on this side of it. Having to wonder.”

“You don’t have to wonder!” you argued. “I just told you that I love you! How can I make it any more clear how I feel about you?”

“But you’ve also said your heart is with the other two,” he protested. “How can you love me properly if….” he trailed off. “If you love them too?”

“You don’t think it’s possible for me to love more than one person?” you questioned.

“No,” he said. “Not truly.”

You felt like walls were closing in around your heart. Walls to keep this hurt out. To keep Gwilym out because you felt like he was destroying you.

“Excuse me,” you said, taking your hand away from him. “I need a minute.”

You got up, shoving your chair back, and walked away from the table.  Your feet led you outside onto the patio. The salty breeze and the sound of the water didn’t calm you down at all. Tears stung your eyes, and you blinked, letting them fall freely down your cheeks.

“I don’t know what to do,” you sobbed to your producer. “I can’t let him go, but I can’t go to the fantasy suite either, not like this.” 

You took a deep breath and tried to gather yourself.

“But if he doubts that my feelings are genuine, then maybe we…” you swallowed the lump in your throat. “Maybe we aren’t right for each other.”

Back at the table, Gwilym was trying - and failing - to hold in his emotions. A single tear slid down his cheek, which he wiped swiftly away as he drew a deep breath in.

“How are you feeling?” asked his producer. “What’s going through your mind right now?”

“I dunno, I feel sort of numb,” he said. “I don’t want to hurt her, but I’ve got to protect my heart too, right?”

“What do you want from Y/N?” she asked.

“I want her to be patient,” he said. “I need time to get where she is, but I know I can get there.”

“Maybe you should tell her that.”

Without another word, Gwilym got to his feet and followed you out to the patio. He found you, looking out at the shore, arms folded across your chest. He saw your face, and the mascara that was smeared under your eyes.

“Y/N,” he said. “Please. I just need time.”

“We don’t have any,” you replied, turning to face him. “If you’re going to propose to me next week, I need to know that you’re in love with me. And if you’re not, then...then that’s it.”

“This can’t be it,” he said, voice cracking. “This can’t be how this ends.”

“It has to be,” you said. “We need the exact opposite things from each other right now. Neither of us are able to give them. I can’t stand here and tell you that you’re it and this is over. And I don’t have the time to wait for you to catch up to me. I don’t see what else we can do.”

“We can try,” he said. “We can try to make it work.”

“How?” you countered, throwing your hands up with exasperation. “How can we reconcile this?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “But the night is not over. We can talk it out.”

You shook your head. “I just don’t see a solution, Gwil. You need something I can’t give. And I need something you can’t give.”

“Well, if I told you now that I’m in love with you, you wouldn’t believe me,” he said. “You’re much too clever for that.”

“Because you told me that you’re not,” you said. “It would seem like you were just telling me what I need to hear in order to stay. And you’re much too kind for that.”

A long moment passed as you looked at each other. The air around you was charged with the tension. The impending goodbye.

“That’s it, then,” he said.

“Yeah,” you said. “That’s it.”

He reached out and pulled you into his arms. You buried your face in his chest, letting yourself feel his embrace for the last time. You couldn’t say how long you stood there. The moment seemed suspended outside of real time. You and Gwilym were just existing together. Soaking up what you could before you parted ways.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry it’s ending like this.”

“I’m sorry too,” you replied. “But...it is ending.”

You pulled away, unsure where your strength was coming from.

“Can I walk you out?”

“Sure,” he agreed.

He took your hand, and you walked back through the restaurant and out the front door. The walkway led to the street. A car was already pulling up. You stopped at the end of the path and looked up at his face.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

You nodded. “I’m sure.”

He sighed. “I’m going to miss you.”

You held his gaze steadily. “I know.”

He cupped your cheek in his hand, his expression softening. Then he pulled you toward him and kissed your forehead.

“Goodbye, Gwilym,” you said.

“Goodbye,” he returned.

You stepped away from him. Your eyes were trained on his back as he opened the door, slid into the seat, and closed it again. You watched as the car disappeared down the road. Your bottom lip began to tremble and you buried your face in your hands. Then you let out a sob.

In the car, Gwilym was also in tears. They streamed slowly down his face, and he wiped them away with the back of his hand. 

“It’s terrible,” he choked out. “My heart is just...broken. I can’t believe this is happening, but at the same time, I’m just...I dunno. I’m going to miss her. I wish so much that I could give her what she wants. But...I can’t. So, I wish her the best. Truly I do.”

You went to bed that night, still crying. You wondered if you could survive this kind of heartbreak. You debated telling production you changed your mind and you wanted Gwilym back. But you decided against it. What would bringing him back do? You would only circle around to the same argument. But still, it absolutely broke your heart to say goodbye.

The next day, you had a rose ceremony. It was in the afternoon, on the beach close to where you’d had your last date with Gwilym.

Joe arrived first and took his place on the little stage that production had set up for you all to have the rose ceremony on. The table was already out, the two roses on a tray, fluttering in the wind. Joe looked at them, hoping he would be receiving one.

Ben arrived shortly after. He smiled at Joe and they shook hands before Ben took his place on Joe’s right. He looked at the roses and then at his friend.

“Where’s Gwilym?” he wondered.

Joe shrugged. “No idea.”

When they looked out and saw you approaching, looking beautiful in a green silk gown, they grew especially worried. Chris Harrison helped you onto the platform and you looked at your final two men.

“Hi,” you said meekly. Your voice was hoarse from crying. “As you can see, Gwilym’s not here. Unfortunately, we had to say goodbye last night.” You choked up just saying it out loud. “I don’t want to dwell on it, so, uh...let’s get started.”

You picked up the first rose. You saw that both Ben and Joe had visibly relaxed at the announcement. This was the one rose ceremony where they truly didn’t have to worry.

“Joe,” you said.

He stepped to you.

“Joe, will you accept this rose?”

“I will,” he assured you.

You pinned it on. He kissed your cheek before taking his place again. You picked up the second rose.

“Ben,” you said.

Ben strode over.

“Ben, will you accept this rose?”

“Always.”

You pinned it to him. He started to walk away, but you grabbed his hand. He stopped, turned toward you, and gave you a questioning look. You reached your free hand toward Joe, who stepped forward and took it.

You looked at them.

“This is it,” you said. “The last rose ceremony. I want to thank you both for going through all of this with me. I’m so happy to be your Bachelorette.”

A tear leaked out and rolled down your cheek. Joe wiped it with his thumb. Then, both men wrapped their arms around you. Sandwiched between them, you smiled at last. Hope was not lost. 

***

“Welcome back to the Men Tell All!” Chris said with a clap.

The audience was still recovering from watching what they had.

“We just watched Y/N say perhaps the most heartbreaking goodbye of her season,” Chris continued. “I’m here now with all the guys, and we’re going to talk about all the drama, including what we just saw. But first, let me introduce the men!”

He went through each of the guys sitting up on the platform, introducing them one by one. They went in order of elimination, so the further he went, the more cheers they got from the audience. Luke got a lot of boos. Then, when he got to Taron, Allen, Richard, and Rami, the crowd was booming. Gwilym was the last one to be introduced, and he laughed as people screamed for him.

“Well,” Chris chuckled as it all died down. “We can see who the most popular guy is.”

They cheered some more and Gwilym offered a small wave.

“Gwilym, I do want to start things off with you,” Chris said. “Come join me in the hot seat.”

Gwilym stood up, amongst more cheers, and joined Chris on the stage, taking a seat on the two-seater couch across from Chris’s one-person couch. 

“What was it like, watching that back?” Chris asked.

“Ahem,” Gwilym cleared his throat. “It was difficult. Extremely difficult. I knew how I felt about Y/N and I knew I could get where she needed me to be, but we just didn’t have the time.”

“Do you regret not telling her that you love her?” Chris pressed.

“I don’t actually,” Gwilym said. “You know, I was being honest. I’d never tell her that if it wasn’t true, and at the time, it wasn’t.”

“At the time?”

Gwilym laughed uncomfortably. “Okay, that didn’t come out right. I didn’t realize it later on or anything. As much as it hurt me, I realized that I’d told the truth, and so had she. So she made the right decision. Even if she’d kept me around for the night, I think she would have sent me home at the rose ceremony.”

“So, you feel like you were going home no matter what?” Chris asked.

“Yeah, I do.”

“You don’t think you could have changed her mind?”

“No, nor could she have changed mine,” Gwil said. “We were at different places in the journey, and - devastating as it was at the time - we had to part ways. I’m grateful for knowing her.”

“You know, she’s here,” Chris said. “She’ll be coming out in a little bit. Have you two spoken since filming ended?”

Gwilym shook his head. “We haven’t.”

“Are you ready to face her?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Gwilym said. “She’s not coming out now, is she?”

“Not yet,” Chris said with a chuckle. “But I’ll definitely give you two the opportunity to talk when she does.”

He turned to the camera.

“We’ll be back in a little bit to talk to the rest of the guys and air out some of the drama of the season,” he said. “Y/N will be here to confront the men she rejected. Gwilym, thanks for sharing, man.”

They shook hands as the show went to commercial. When they were clear, Gwilym went back to his seat. A few minutes passed before they started again.

“Welcome back to The Bachelorette: the Men Tell All,” Chris said. “I’m here with our live studio audience and the men from Y/N’s dramatic journey as the Bachelorette. She’ll be out here pretty soon to face the men whose hearts she broke. But first, we’re going to discuss some of the most dramatic parts of the season.”

He turned to the men. 

“Lee, let’s start with you,” he said. “Night one, and you had already caused a stir. Take us back to that night, and what was going through your mind.”

Lee took a deep breath.

“I wanna start by saying I’m not racist, okay?” he began. “The pressure was getting to me, I’d had a few drinks, and I said something I didn’t mean.”

“Dude,” said Mike rolling his eyes. “If you have to tell everybody that you’re not racist, it means you’re definitely racist.”

“Yeah, and what do you mean the pressure?” Eric chimed in. “It was night one!”

“You called a man of color a diversity rose,” Kenny reminded him. “To refer to one of us as something token is super racist, and the fact that you can’t take responsibility and just apologize shows that you still don’t see why it’s wrong.”

Lee opened his mouth to respond, but Chris held up a hand to stop him.

“Rami,” Chris said. “You were sort of at the center of all this, I wanna get your two cents.”

“Well,” Rami began. “It’s funny you say I was at the center of all of it, when at the time I really had no idea what was going on. I didn’t know until Y/N came in and yelled at him.”

“What were you feeling when you heard the term ‘diversity rose’?” Chris asked.

“I mean…it didn’t exactly shock me,” Rami said. “Guys like me and the other men of color - Mike, Eric, Kenny, and John - we’ve all heard much worse. He didn’t use a slur or anything, so at first I told myself it was dramatic to be upset about it. But then we all got to talking about it, and I realized that it’s okay to be upset about microaggressions too. And that’s what it was.”

“A microaggression?” Chris questioned.

“Yeah,” Rami said. “Because it wasn’t overt, he didn’t think it was racist. But it shows a divisive mentality at best and a racist one at worst.”

“Very eloquently said,” Chris remarked. “Lee, anything else you want to say?”

“Rami, I’m sorry,” Lee said. “I’m sorry to all of you. I know ignorance isn’t an excuse...but,  I messed up. I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted, man,” Rami said. He turned in his seat and extended his hand. Lee shook it.

“Look, man, if ignorance is the problem, you have to listen when you’re told you’re wrong,” Mike said. “Educate yourself. I’ve got no problem with people who don’t know any better. But I’ve got a big problem with people who don’t want to know better.”

“I understand,” Lee said. “I’ll definitely do that going forward.”

“Glad to hear it,” Mike said, shaking his hand as well. 

“Well, I’m glad to see this talked out civilly,” Chris said. “Not that we’re looking to solve big issues like this on our show, but I’m happy to start a discussion.”

He took the show to commercial once again. When they came back, Chris started fresh.

“Welcome back to The Bachelorette: the Men Tell All,” he said again. “We just spoke with Lee and Rami about Lee’s sudden elimination night one. Now, I want to talk to the man who was the top trending topic on Twitter for three weeks straight. Luke.”

He looked at Luke, who shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Luke, why don’t you join me up here?” Chris said.

Luke, among some heckling from the crowd, got up, and took the seat Gwilym had occupied minutes ago. He straightened his jacket and then sat back.

“Welcome,” Chris said. “Before I let the other men address their issues with you, I want to give you a chance to defend yourself. But first, let’s take a look at your journey on The Bachelorette.”

Chris gestured toward the big screen, and all eyes fixed on it. The whole studio watched Luke’s emerging from the limo and meeting you for the first time. Then it was a highlight reel of the crazy things he said throughout. His arguments with you, his disagreements with the other men - especially pertaining the naked bungee jumping - right up until his elimination and sudden return at the rose ceremony. When the screen faded to black, Chris looked at Luke.

“Okay,” Chris said. “Thoughts?”

“I mean, I could have handled things a lot better,” Luke said. “But I was being genuine. I really believed myself to be on a mission to save Y/N’s soul. That it was my duty to love her and protect her.”

“You really felt like you were there to convert her to your faith?” Chris questioned.

“I think so,” Luke said. “I definitely could have gone about it in a more subtle way, but that’s just not who I am.”

“What was your goal when you showed back up at the rose ceremony?” Chris asked. “After she’d already sent you home. What did you hope to accomplish?”

“I wanted to propose to her,” Luke said. “I had a ring, actually, in my pocket.”

A shocked gasp went through the crowd. Chris blinked.

“You were going to propose?” he repeated. “Even though you knew she felt differently than you?”

“When God puts something on my heart, I chase it with everything I have, no matter the obstacles,” Luke said. “That’s how I saw it.”

“Okay, I’m gonna open the floor to the other guys now,” Chris said. “Who would like to start?”

“I’d like to,” Allen piped up. “I felt like we didn’t have a problem before, and then during the football game, you became so aggressive. My question for you, Luke, is - did I do something to offend you?”

“No,” Luke said, shaking his head. “I actually really regret that game. It’s probably my biggest regret of the show. I got really competitive, and I felt isolated from the other guys, and I think I just took it out on you. I’m sorry.”

“Alright then,” Allen said, surprised. “Apology accepted.”

“Hold on,” Taron interjected. “It’s all well and good that you’ve apologized to Allen, but I don’t think it’s fair to place blame on us for any of your actions. You alienated yourself, Luke.”

“How could I have alienated myself?” Luke challenged.

“When this all started, we tried to include you,” Taron said. “We tried being nice. But everything turned into something to evangelize us, and that’s exhausting to put up with. Then, you lied about Joe and Ben saying they weren’t there for the right reasons. How could you expect us to warm up to you when we saw you would blatantly lie to get ahead?”

“Look, I didn’t make it up,” Luke said. “I know what I heard and -”

“Luke, I’m gonna stop you right there,” Chris said. “The producers and interns looked through hours and hours of footage and audio - you guys are mic’d up all the time - and no one heard any conversation like what you described to Y/N. Not between Ben and Joe or any of the other men.”

“You sure you didn’t hallucinate it?” Richard said. “You f***ing psycho?”

“Hey!” Luke cried indignantly.

“Or were you just trying to get those two eliminated?” Taron added. “Because look how well that turned out.”

The audience laughed.

“All I can really say is,” Luke went on. “God told me everything I needed to do throughout this journey.”

“God spoke to you?” Chris questioned.

“Yeah,” Luke said.

Gwilym snorted in his chair and the two on stage looked at him.

“I’m sorry, that’s just ridiculous,” he said. “God spoke to you? Come on, Luke. It’s one thing to be sexist and a liar, but are you actually now claiming to be a prophet?”

“What does God’s voice sound like?” Rami chimed in.

The rest of the men snickered and then Chris interjected.

“Before we get carried away with this, Gwilym brought up a big point,” he said. “Sexism. Luke, did you feel like your attitude toward Y/N was sexist?”

“No, not at all,” Luke answered. “With the whole bungee jumping thing, I was just asking her to be respectful. Y’know, be considerate of the other men and how they might feel about someone else seeing her naked.”

“Now, I know Joe isn’t here to defend himself,” Chris said. “But he said to you that he didn’t really see anything. Do you think that matters?”

“No,” Luke said. “She still willingly took her clothes off for a man who isn’t her husband.”

“Luke, that’s nonsense,” Taron said. “Very few people wait for marriage anymore - yourself included - and yet you judged her for something that was actually pretty innocent.”

“Her past wouldn’t matter if she chose to wait from here on out,” Luke said. “And I wasn’t judging her. Like I’ve been saying, I just wanted her to be respectful.”

“But she couldn’t take it back once she’d done it,” Allen said. “What was the point in getting upset?”

“Weren’t any of you guys upset?” Chris wondered, addressing the group. “Did it bother you that she’d had this experience with Joe?”

They looked around and saw each of them shaking their heads.

“None of us cared that much,” said John Paul Jones. “We all just kinda wished it was us on that date, y’know?”

They all chuckled in agreement.

“Luke’s reaction was about controlling Y/N,” Rami said. “To claim her respect for him is based on what she does with her own body is sexism.”

“You guys are ridiculous,” Luke said, shaking his head. “It really wouldn’t bother you to know your wife was naked with another man?”

The guys exchanged confused and annoyed glances.

“Okay, let’s answer this totally different question,” Richard said. “Of course it’d be different if she was already with one of us. But she wasn’t. She’s the Bachelorette. She’s no one’s wife at that point.”

“But if her goal is to be a wife, she should act like one,” Luke argued.

“I don’t think we’ll ever get through to you how wrong you are for that attitude,” Gwilym said. “Arguing with you is pointless because you’re so rooted in the argument itself, you don’t even care if you’re right or wrong, you just want to be opposite of us. And honestly, watching the season back was frustrating. You constantly tried to bring Y/N to a faith she doesn’t believe in. You belittled her when you got upset, and when she called you out, you relied on gaslighting her and lying to her. You don’t know anything about forming a relationship because you’re so narrow minded, and relationships take compromise. If you can’t open yourself up to different people, then you are never going to be happy, Luke.”

The audience went wild at this speech, clapping, cheering, and whistling their approval. Luke shifted in his seat.

“Is there anything else you’d like to say?” Chris wondered. 

“There’s not,” Luke said.

Without waiting for Chris, he got up and returned to his seat amongst the men. A beat of silence passed, then Chris looked into the camera.

“We’ll be right back to talk to more of the men from Y/N’s season right after this,” he said.

The show went to commercial. During that time, Chris had Richard and Allen come up to the stage and sit on the couch. As he welcomed the audience back, he re-introduced them.

“I’m here now with Richard and Allen, who I wanted to talk to together because you two had an interesting week in Ireland,” he said. “Y/N said that you were both not far enough along to go to hometowns. Let’s take a look at your journeys with her.”

He indicated the big screen, and everyone watched as they cut between Allen and Richard’s introductions to you, their dates, the romantic moments, and then finally the goodbyes on the same day back in Ireland. Both men smiled fondly at the memories.

“So, I can see you’re both happy,” Chris said. “Tell me what’s going through your minds.”

“I dunno,” Allen began. “I had a wonderful time getting to know Y/N. I don’t regret it at all.”

“Richard?” Chris offered.

“I’m the same,” Richard agreed. “Things ended the way they did, and I’m alright with it. No regrets here either.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Chris said. “You two were pretty strong contenders at the beginning. Many even felt you were ahead of the two remaining men at times. What happened, do you think?”

“I don’t think anything in particular went wrong,” Richard said. “The relationship was solid, but we weren’t progressing at the right rate to feel like a commitment was the right choice.”

“That’s true,” said Allen. “I think in Richard’s case, she realized it before he did, and in my case, I realized it before she did.”

“Well, you’ve both been joys to watch all season and you’re Bachelor nation favorites,” Chris said, which the audience agreed with loudly. “So, if you’re open to it, I’d like to invite both of you to Mexico for Bachelor in Paradise.”

Bachelor in Paradise was the show where the men from previous seasons of the Bachelorette and the women from previous seasons of the Bachelor went to meet each other and try to make connections.

 The audience cheered wildly as Allen and Richard looked at each other and laughed. The other men were also encouraging them to do it. 

“I’m always down to take a shot at love,” Allen said. “I’ll go.”

“I’ll go as well,” Richard added. “I don’t have anything to lose, y’know?”

Chris beamed. “That’s great news for the women who have already signed up.” 

He let them return to their seats, and then invited Rami up to the couch. Rami was met with applause from the crowd as he made his way to the couch.

“So, Rami you were a fan favorite who made it all the way to hometowns with Y/N,” he said. “Before we get your side of things, let’s take a look back at your love story.”

Everyone looked at the screen again. Rami had a small smile on his face as he watched himself get out of the limo and approach you for the first time. How he spoke Arabic to you. Then all the dates he went on, the moments he got you during a cocktail party, and his one on one date in Ireland. Then, they showed the hometown date, the things that Jasmine had said, and the breakup afterward. Rami’s smile faltered. The screen went dark.

“So, tell me what it’s like, watching that back,” Chris said.

“Like Gwil said, it’s difficult,” Rami replied. “I felt like I really had fallen in love with her, and to have her say goodbye after that was just...painful.”

“Do you think the problems your sister brought up were there or do you think she got in Y/N’s head?” Chris asked.

“Honestly, when I watched the episode, I realized that Jasmine was right,” Rami admitted. “I don’t think she necessarily got in Y/N’s head, I think she just brought things to light that we had been kind of sweeping under the rug and not really dealing with. I’m not angry at my sister - though I was for a little while - and I know that it worked out for the best.”

“How have you been doing since the breakup?” Chris wondered.

“I’ve been okay,” Rami said. “I’ve been working and spending time with family and focusing on what I want.”

“Are you still in love with Y/N?” Chris pressed.

“No,” said Rami, shaking his head. “I’ll always have love for her, but it’s safe to say I’ve moved on.”

“Are you still looking for love?”

Rami paused a moment before answering. “I’m not not looking for it. If it comes, I’ll be happy, but I know now I’m not quite ready to get engaged or married.”

“So, I can’t interest you in Bachelor in Paradise?”

Rami laughed. “No, I’m afraid not. Even if I wanted to, I actually just accepted a lead role in a movie and we’ll be shooting at the same time Paradise is filming.”

“Hey, congratulations!” Chris cried, as the audience erupted with cheers and the other men whooped from the platform across the stage. 

“Thank you!” Rami called over the din before it died down. “I can’t say much about it right now, but more information will be released later on. I’m really excited.”

“We’re all happy for you, man,” Chris said, shaking Rami’s hand. “That’s awesome.”

He allowed Rami to return to his seat. Then Chris looked at the camera.

“We’ll be back with Y/N right after this,” he said.

The show went to commercial for a few minutes. A few of the men shifted in their seats. The anxiety of seeing you after weeks apart was making them fidgety. Most of them were fine, but the ones who had made it as far as Ireland were more uncomfortable.

Chris took a hurried sip of water before bringing the show back.

“Welcome back once again to the Men Tell All,” he said. “I’ve got the guys of Y/N’s dramatic season here with me, and now, she’s about to face them all for the first time since their incredible journey. So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Y/N!”

The whole studio went wild. You started toward the stage, legs a little shaky with nerves. You beamed and waved at the crowd to try and cover up how anxious you were. You walked up to Chris first, hugged him tightly, and then smoothed your dress out before taking a seat on the couch. The noise quieted and you took a deep breath.

“How are you feeling?” Chris asked.

“Nervous,” you said. “I’ve never been in a room with so many exes before.”

Laughter filled the room and you turned toward the men, looking at their faces for the first time in months.

“Hi, guys,” you said with a little wave.

Most of them returned with one.

“So, we started the show witnessing your breakup with Gwilym,” Chris began. “Can you tell us what that was like for you?”

You rubbed your hands along your thighs, looking down at your lap.

“Oh, yeah, that was…” you trailed off. “That was a tough one. Watching it backstage just brought all those feelings back up and I’m not gonna lie, I got a little emotional.”

“Why emotional?” Chris wondered.

“Because that moment was so...raw,” you said. “I wanted so badly for that night to go differently and for us to move forward. I remember lying in bed after sending him home and I literally cried my false lashes off. I went back and forth for hours wondering if I’d made a mistake. I don’t think I slept at all. It had just….completely destroyed me.”

“Do you still question that decision?” Chris pressed.

“No,” you said, shaking your head. “Watching it back reminded me that it was the right call. I don’t think I would handle it any differently if I had to do it all again.”

“Well, I’d like to invite Gwilym up so you guys can talk,” Chris said. “You ready?”

“Yeah, of course,” you assured him with a nod.

Chris looked over at the men. “Gwilym, come on over.”

Gwilym got up, straightening his jacket, and walked over. You had gotten to your feet as well. You smiled widely at him as he got closer, and then opened your arms for a hug. He gladly accepted. You took a moment to enjoy the feeling of him once again, and then you sat down together on the couch.

“It’s wonderful to see you,” he said.

“You too,” you returned earnestly.

“I can’t tell you what a relief it is to hear that you don’t question your decision,” he said. “Because I don’t either. I think if we’d gone forward, there would have been more trouble and just...disappointed hopes.”

“I agree,” you said. “As painful as our goodbye was, it had to happen.”

“And you should know, I was equally destroyed by it,” he told you. “It broke my heart, and I’ve missed you terribly.”

“I’ve missed you too,” you returned. “As I’ve been watching the season, I was remembering all the moments where I thought, ‘okay, I think I love this guy’ and it was a bit painful, but I just hope you’re happy.”

“I am happy,” Gwilym said. “I know you can’t tell us how your season ends, but I hope you’re at least that.”

You beamed. “I’m very happy.”

“That’s great, cariad.”

Your smile grew impossibly wider at the old endearment. He grinned back. 

“So, how are you two feeling about each other?” Chris asked.

“Similar to what Rami said, I think I’ll always have love for her,” Gwilym said. “But things feel...friendlier now.”

“I agree,” you said. “I will definitely always care about him, but in a way that’s platonic. Like, I know we’re always rooting for the best for each other.”

“Exactly,” said Gwilym. 

“I’m glad you two got some closure here,” Chris said. “Gwilym, you can head back to your seat, and I’m gonna open it up to the other guys. Anything you all need to say to Y/N?”

Gwilym squeezed your hand and returned to his chair, and you looked over at the men. They took a moment, but then Rami spoke up.

“I just wanna say, I’m sorry that things turned out the way they did between us, but I’m grateful for your choice,” he said. “Looking back, my sister was right, and I think we might not have stayed together if we had gotten engaged.”

“Yeah, I think so too,” you agreed. “I’m glad we’re on the same page there.”

“There is something I wanted to ask about you two,” Chris chimed in. “When you were breaking up with Rami, you told him you loved him. Was that to say you were in love with him?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure,” you answered. “I had fallen into something very deep with you, Rami, and I’m sorry if saying that confused you at all. I just knew that my heart was hurting so bad to say goodbye, and I didn’t know any other words to convey how much you meant to me.”

“I kinda guessed that,” Rami said. “I thought about it for a little while, but let it go.”

“Thank you for understanding,” you returned. “And hey, congratulations on the movie!”

“Thank you!”

“Now, I wanna talk to you, Y/N, about the most controversial part of your season,” Chris said. “And that was your fight with Luke about the bungee jumping. Tell us about what you’ve experienced regarding that.”

“Yeah, um,” you began, but you started to choke up. “Well, turns out more people think like Luke than I thought. Since that episode aired, social media has been kind of a nightmare. The night of the episode, I got so many Tweets and DMs calling me a slut, saying I was behaving shamefully, and that I was the most disrespectful Bachelorette ever. And those were the most tame comments I got. I was also called a selfish bitch, stupid whore, and a lot of other words that I can’t say on TV.”

You wiped away a tear that had fallen down your cheek.

“I can see you’re getting emotional,” Chris said. “What is it about these people that makes you so upset?”

“It’s the injustice of it,” you said. “Like, no one tweeted at Joe and called him a slut even though he did the exact same thing I did! Not that they should say that to him, but - y’know - it’s - it’s -”

“It’s the double standard,” Chris finished.

“Exactly!” you cried. “Yeah, it was fine for Joe to expose himself to a woman who isn’t his wife, but for me - a woman - I was suddenly a slut. It was driving me crazy, because people still like, gave him so much love and support when Luke came for him, but for me, they joined in the attack. And then -”

You stopped, emotion welling up in your throat. You took a deep breath as your chest got tight.

“The night I sent Taron home,” you sobbed. “I was totally bombarded by this one group of women. I think they were having a watch party or something. And they all got on Twitter and were telling me to kill myself because I was so stupid to not give him a rose. They were actually telling me I should die because I didn’t pick their favorite. That...that really, deeply upset me.”

“How do you respond to things like that?” Chris asked gently.

“I try to ignore it because I know that engaging them won’t do any good,” you said. Then you turned and found Taron’s eyes. “I actually wanted to say thank you to you, Taron. You have been my biggest defender online, and you actually responded to a lot of those comments to protect me. So, I did want to let you know how much I appreciate it.”

You sniffled and offered him a watery smile. Taron returned it.

“Those comments really upset me too, Y/N,” Taron said. “I think I speak for most of the men here when I say, we adore you. You’re an outstanding woman, and we’re all incredibly grateful that you were our Bachelorette.”

More tears stung your eyes at his words. The other guys began clapping their agreement, and then, before you knew it, the whole studio audience was on their feet applauding you. The men continued as they joined in a standing ovation. You laughed through your tears and offered a quiet “thank you.” You blew Taron a kiss. 

When they all settled down, you were even more emotional.

“I don’t think there’s a person in this room who disagrees with Taron,” Chris said. “I certainly found you to be an exemplary Bachelorette. You were fair and honest and gave it all of your effort. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Thank you, Chris,” you said. “I just want to remind everyone that the people on this show are real people. Not characters that are completely unaffected by what you say. We do read the comments and the DMs and they do hurt us. I don’t want to dwell on the negatives - because I also get a ton of lovely people sending me messages of support - but this bullying online has got to stop. Not just for me. But for every person who takes a chance like this.”

“Well said,” Chris agreed. “I’m gonna turn it back over to the guys. Anything else you all want to clear up with Y/N while we’re here?”

Nobody spoke up, so he looked back at you.

“Anything you want to say to them, Y/N?” he offered.

“Yeah,” you said. “I just want to say thank you to all of you for taking this chance with me. It didn’t work out for various reasons, but I’m really glad to have met you. I wish you all love and happiness in your futures.”

They murmured their thanks in return, all smiles.

“That’s sweet,” Chris said. Then he looked at the camera. “We’ll be back soon with a sneak peek of next week’s big finale of The Bachelorette.”

The show went to commercial, and Chris placed a comforting hand on your knee. You thanked him again for his words. For the few minutes of the break, you went over and chatted with the men some more, without the pressure of the cameras. It was really nice to see them all again. Then all too soon you were being called back to the chair.

“Welcome back to the Men Tell All,” said Chris. “We’ve reached the end of our show, but before we go, we’re offering you a little taste of what’s to come in the dramatic season finale. Take a look.”

For the final time that night, all eyes went to the screen.

***

“Coming up next week on The Bachelorette,” said Chris in a voice over.

“I am in love with two men,” you said to the camera.

They cut to a date with Joe and the two of you kissing, followed by a similar shot of you and Ben.

“I’m in love with Y/N,” Ben said to the camera. “I’m ready to propose to her. I know she’s the person I’m meant to love forever.”

“What Y/N and I have is so amazing,” Joe said in his interview. “I love her so much. I just want to get down on one knee and propose already!”

The next shot was a close up of you in tears, mascara raccooning your eyes as your bottom lip trembled.

“It’s not you,” you sobbed.

They followed with a shot of Neil Lane opening a case of diamond rings. A hand reached out and held one up. It glittered in the afternoon New Zealand sun.

Three shots flashed by: the first, you sobbing. The second, Joe crying and walking out of an interview. Then Ben holding his face in his hands and weeping openly.

The final shot was you, standing on a street in the dark, struggling to draw breath.

“I can’t do this,” you were fighting to say. “I can’t breathe...I can’t…”

The screen went blank as a producer’s voice shouted “Y/N! Oh, God, someone call an ambulance!”

***

The audience in the studio were shocked to silence by what they had just seen. Chris looked over at you and smiled. 

“Well, we all have something to look forward to with what might be the most dramatic season finale ever,” he said to the audience. “Find out what happens next week. Until then, good night, Bachelor Nation!”

[dredreadsdrawing]

Oc-tober Day 13: Future

........... Yall ready for a bigass story dump? Oh boi. Here we go..... (also bonus points and possibly a free sketch will be given to whoever guesses what this story was originally a fanfic of ;p) Again, hate these sketches but im short on time for these posts lol and my pen tablet broke. No more pen pressure, the lines come thick and round always now. big oof.

This story is set in an apocalyptic future.

Small note, i had written originally written half of this in a post, it crashed and didn’t save, so i rewrote it and it became more detailed and uh. im basically like. almost halfway through the fuckin story so..... please enjoy? :,3 I tried going full but its so much plz i cant ah i already have two other oc-tober prompts to complete ;o;

I would also like to specify that uuh this story situation is something I need to work out the kinks for lol. Definitely. Buuuut this is all I have for now XD please take it with a grain of salt. Oke here story:

-        First and foremost, make no mistake, the Yellow and Pink siblings are the main characters. I haven’t fleshed out the others as much as I have these two because of this.

-        It starts with Yellow and Blue. Friends since before they could walk. Their parents were already friends, so it was only natural. Pink was born once they finally hit school, and she grew up seeing Blue as a second brother figure. He was clearly a part of the family.

-        As time went on, though, these familial feelings were turning into something else. Yellow was hit with the realization that he liked his best friend. More than that, he was head over heels in love. But there were lots of problems with this.

-        For one, as soon as he realized his feelings, Blue had made it big in the newest gaming scene. The newest consoles had yet to be mastered, but he pioneered it, creating the first high scores, and charming the onlookers with his commentary as he did so. The rest of the bunker took him in as a new young celebrity.

-        Another big problem was, of course, how close they already were. ‘Brothers’ this, and ‘siblings’ that. The world already saw them as having this relationship, Yellow himself has told them before that Blue was this to him. But now he wasn’t. Yellow could die from embarrassment and shame.

-        And no matter how hard he tried following behind Blue, Yellow just isn’t as gifted; neither on screen nor with his people skills. Yellow does well enough to be a part of the top, but he never stands out. He doesn’t feel special enough.

-        Meanwhile, Orange and Pink are the best of friends. When Pink was little and saw how well her brother got along with Blue, she felt she wanted something like that too. She found her match at school, with the shy and quiet Orange. She was always nervous, but when she opened up, Pink found her to be clever, quick witted and sarcastic. She was a blast. They were inseparable babies, and quickly, they made a promise.

-        It started with Pink proposing to Orange. She liked her! They should clearly get married! But Orange wasn’t so quick to agree. Marriage is such a big commitment! Her mom would never allow it! So they compromised. No matter their future, they’d live close together. They’d always be together.

-        Even as Orange’s older sister took a dislike to Pink’s rowdiness.

-        As time went on, and puberty hit, some things came to light. Pink was very much into girls, in very explicit ways. Orange was…. Not. Nothing explicit for her, thank you very much. Through teenhood, the two kept their strong friendship, though, and always comforted one another. Lots of Pink’s girlfriends ended up jealous of Orange, but Pink would stop them at their tracks. Orange would always be a part of her life. If they don’t get along with her, there’s no point keeping a relationship that doesn’t recognize this.

-        Moving onto the plot, here it is. Everyone is already an adult, Pink and Orange being the youngest. There is a prestigious event that’s going to happen; the launch of the newest console that will feel the most life-like. To celebrate this launch, seven players will be chosen through competitions, and they’ll get to play the first quest in a livestream. It’ll take them three days.

-        Competitions come and most people that were already suspected to be chosen make it. With two surprises. Yellow, who barely got top due to pure luck. And White who… well, Orange is the best medic, hands down. Everyone knows she knows her strategies and most effective ways to save the group. She’s effective. Always where she needs to be. And yet, even though she got the highest score, she’s been pushed aside and her place in the team was given to White. Everyone screams malarky.

-        Pink is pissed for her friend. She was going to have a great time with her in the game! They would be pioneers together! Orange calms her down. Pink should have fun without her, it’s not a big deal. Orange still has her high scores, and she can keep her notoriety. This won’t affect them in the long run. Pink relents but isn’t happy. She hates White and sees him as a prissy elitist. As they go to get lunch, they pass Red. Pink casually invites her to eat with them. Red says she’s busy. Pink is disappointed and Orange laughs. Pink’s got her eyes on Red. If she can’t spend her time with her friend, she’ll be spending it getting closer to her instead…

-        Orange goes home and mopes in secret. She stayed calm for Pink’s sake but she’s really taken this loss hard. She needed to make a break in her record. Have a flashy accomplishment. And it was stolen from her. Her older sister comes in. She’s the head of coding for this new game. Orange mopes around her, begging for her to let her in, or to at least tell her why she didn’t make it. Her sister keeps her lips shut. But. She does concede that it was unfair. She prepares Orange’s favorite dinner and bought her favorite dessert. Orange smiles at the heartfelt show of sympathy and doesn’t bring it up again. Whatever it was that happened, it wasn’t her sister’s fault.

-        White is from a legacy of high-rankers. They’ve always kept their marks perfect, and drilled perfection into their kids. IF there wasn’t a white player in a prestigious event, they had failed. Out of the newest generation’s three, White is the youngest and…. The least skilled. They try! They’ve worked so hard all their life, but their reflexes aren’t as polished no matter how hard they focus. They just can’t be better than Orange, the true best medic. Before the tournament, he had become depressed. He didn’t even want to try out for it, knowing what would happen. But he ran into Red, an old acquaintance from past games, who picked up on how red his eyes were. She treated him to a warm drink. She let him vent. She showed genuine concern, and was gentle as she reassured him she knew his worth. He’s always been a great partner in the games she’s played with him. She knows he’d be a great addition to the team if he makes this. With her words of confidence, he’s flushed. A renown sense of hope…. And a new attraction makes him try harder. He competes. He pushes and pushes to save his teammates. But he’s just not as effective or calculative and Orange gets the big win save for hers. She won, fair and square. But when they present the awards…. It’s White they call out. He’s…. floored. He didn’t win. Why was he getting into the group?

-        He accepts the award. He’s not happy about it, but… it’s all he can do. He asks his family what strings they pulled. They never give him an answer. They don’t even congratulate him or leave any messages as he prepares to stream. He’s left alone to face the wrath of the people who knew Orange deserved his place, her best friend Pink at the forefront. To treat him like the petty sore loser he didn’t want to be. He slapped himself. He can’t let them win. He’ll do it. Red believed in him. He’ll show them what he’s made of with this game! He won’t die. And… he notices the looks Pink is giving Red. He doesn’t like that. He’s going to get closer to Red for sure. He knows he stands no chance with her… but he wants to be someone she opens up to too. And she may not like him romantically, but Pink is in no way someone who deserves her attention. With how brash, rude and self-centered she is? White hates her. They’re going to keep butting heads.

-        Yellow and Blue practice together nonstop. They are in sync, years of getting to know each other’s play style has them adept to being a team. After beating a favorite of theirs, they go out to celebrate. On the way there, Blue keeps being stopped to be congratulated. No one congratulates Yellow. Not that he minds… he doesn’t do well under the spotlight. But… as they sit down to eat, Yellow’s concerns bubble up. After a few drinks, he comes clean. He’s not sure he deserves to be a part of the team. It was pure luck that he barely scraped by and got the most points. He doesn’t even remember what he did to get them. Blue pats his shoulder, and shakes him. He reassures him its only his insecurities making him feel like this. Yellow deserves to be there. And he won’t be alone. Blue will always have his back. Yellow smiles and they have a good time the rest of the night.

-        After a month of preparation, presentations, and practice, it’s finally time. They wave to everyone as they step into the room that will start their procedure. They’ll be knocked out, have their bodies connected to the game, and awaken in it.

-        They’re up. They’re in a metal chamber. They’ve already got their armor suits on, and their weapons are right beside them. It’s a survival game set in what the upper world would look like. They must treat this as real life. Supplies are provided; this is just a trial of the game. The setting isn’t on difficult. Their main focus is to not die, and to get to the end of this delivery mission. They’ll send a note to a sanctuary, the path already set, and it should only take them three days tops. Easy enough. They leave the chamber and take in the view outside, blinking at the harsh morning light. Their livestream begins, their helmets broadcasting what they see.

-        The world is a dump. Nice graphics though. They step out and thus begins the journey. From this point forward, I’ll just mildly explain some events. Some will be more detailed than others cuz this is all a haze.

-        First, as they walk around, they catch the attention of people in cars. Their first bad guys. The bad guys don’t stand a chance against them, and retreat. Red is cautious of them coming back.

-        They stop when they reach an abandoned house, no neighbor houses anywhere. It looks so normal. They step inside and, though decrepit, everything looks ok. Until they reach the basement. An underground lab. Years of gaming has made them apprehensive. They can’t understand what’s going on but this doesn’t look good.

-        Before they can find logs on an old computer, the bad guys they fought before indeed burst through with reinforcements. It’s a close battle, and most of the lab is destroyed in the process. The team beats most of them as one drops a light. The building is set on fire. The team runs away, but Green dropped her gun. Black can’t let them go empty-handed, he leaves his sniper with her and goes back to get it. The fire reaches the lab, to the gas storage and the house explodes while he’s inside. Black is out of the game.

-        Green is miffed. He died so early, and for such a dumb reason! They told him not to go in!! Everyone crowds around them. He’ll be ok, they can yell at him when they win the game. They are comforted by that fact, but still, this loss is taking a toll immediately. They were supposed to be seven and now they are six. So they really will just die and not respawn. For now, they need to continue.

-        The team move forward a bit more but stop to rest for the night once they reach an old city. Red just lost her second in command. She needs someone else to fill in. Pink and White go hard trying to impress her all night. Their stumbling and forcefulness leaves Red more exasperated. She ultimately chooses Blue instead.

-        Where before, Yellow and Blue would be goofing off together, now he has to stay beside Red and help her be vigilant and strategize. Yellow feels a bit left behind again, but Blue reassures it’s only temporary. For them to win the game.

-        They take a rest in an old mattress shop. Perfect for their sleep. They take turns being on watch, not taking off their suits. They were told to keep them on at all times. For safety reasons. And the slight discomfort they felt sleeping with them wasn’t unbearable. It was a calm enough night.

 ~~~

-        A shift in perspective to Orange, she’s been watching the livestream nonstop from the comfort of her home. She checks the media (idk technology I guess these phones just work within their space? Underground? Lolol man idk XD sorry) and everyone is sad about Black being the first to go. Somewhat meanly, people start callously saying Yellow or White should’ve died first.

-        The question pops up. When will they be seeing Black? Now that he’s out of the game, he should be returning. No answer from the game manufacturers. Radio silence.

-        Her sister comes home late that day. She looks frantic and doesn’t even tell Orange hello. She goes straight to the kitchen, picks up a container, and packs in food. She does this when she’s staying the night at the office. Orange is concerned. She asks about Black’s return. Her sister flinches. She stops. After a few, quiet moments, she shakily confesses.

-        “He’s…. dead.”

-        It’s all over the media the next day. There was a malfunction in the game machine. There is a risk of the players dying in real life if they die in game. They just lost Black. Everyone is horrified and outraged. The government tries to reassure the public. They are looking into it. They will bring justice. Orange is beyond worried for everyone, but particularly Pink. She should’ve been there. She wouldn’t let them die. But here, at the Bunker, there’s nothing she can do. Only watch and hope.

~~~~~~~~~

-        Two days left. They’re doing well on time. Their map is a general one, only showing the straight line they need to take. No small details or markers to be had. Pink and White are still at each other’s throats, blaming the other for not getting the position beside Red. A scuffle comes to them. Not the same bad guys, new ones. More sophisticated ones. They aim for their heads, and shout insults at them. Calling them ‘Bomberbees’.

-        In the scuffle, Yellow notices something off. A child by themselves, no older than four or five, in the middle of the street, getting caught in the crossfire. They hide behind an old, toppled over car, but stray bullets hit the gas. It drips and Yellow remembers Black’s death. Without much thinking, they scurry from the fight to pick up the kid and run. Sure enough, a spark from a fire close by lands in the gas, and causes another fire. Then bam, second explosion. The kid is clinging to him, Yellow has gotten them out of the fire, but now they’re being chased by someone from the attackers. They get caught in a shop without exits. Yellow tries to shoot with one hand, but he can’t get the attacker. As they near, they pick up a heavy display, readying to crush Yellow and the kid. A shot hits them in the neck and stops them, making the heavy load also slip and fall on their head. They’re dead. Blue rushes inside. He’s furious.

-        He’s cursing at Yellow for putting his life in danger like that. Yellow lets go of the kid, and they run away immediately, scared of Blue. Yellow is anxious, wanting to follow the child. Blue is incredulous. It’s an NPC. Yellow tries to reason. Maybe it’s a side quest? It’s a kid alone in this dangerous hell hole. They should help. Blue shakes his head, they already lost Black. They can’t lose Yellow. Not for this. He uses his rank, as second in command. Yellow can’t look for the kid. It’s an order. They return to the group.

-        They had managed to kill enough for the bad guys to retreat, but the toll was heavy on their resources. In just these first two days, they’ve gone over half their ammo. Realizing their situation, Red begins prioritizing looting. She was right the first time when she said bad guys return with reinforcements. These new dudes can too.

-        Taking advantage of the big city, they venture a bit to get more ammo. They split into groups. Unfortunately, despite her protests, Pink gets put with White. Red was hoping they’ll work whatever they have going on. They bicker as they leave, and she already regrets her decision.

-        Yellow gets put with Green, and they go the opposite direction. Close to where the child ran off. He recounts what happened as they scavenge around, Green listening with only mild interest. Then she sees a kid herself, at the end of a street with a toppled skyscraper. It motions to them. They follow.

-        The kid leads them to their home inside the topped skyscraper. There’s a bunch more kids. They’re surrounding one of themselves, a hurt girl. The boy Yellow saved quietly steps forward and asks him to help her too. Yellow and Green look at each other. Side quest?

-        Blue and Red are on their own. They have the easiest time out of all of them. They started by looting the bodies. They never really got to appreciate it before, but these gory details…. Went above and beyond. Almost felt surreal to Blue that he was gathering bullets from the pockets of a man’s bottom half torso, his top half across the room. He suspected if he took off his helmet, the place would smell too. Red is quiet, but she eventually breaks the silence. She apologizes for putting Blue as her second in command without asking him. He shakes it off. It’s alright. Black’s death was unexpected. Black’s death. Blue almost shivers thinking about it. Everything in the game has felt so lifelike. He’d hate to go out with a bang like that. He tried making the situation lighter by bringing up what Black would be doing right now. Probably, he’d be escorted to the hotel nearby to stay and watch the livestream until his teammates finished. He’s probably beating himself up over being the first to die. Red shakes her head, remembering how her friend hated losing first. But more than that, he hated being separated from Green. This would be his true hell. And the comments he’ll get on his news feed! The roasts! They laughed, imagining it. All for his lover’s gun. Green has him whipped. Blue sorts through some more piles of trash, the laughter dying down. Behind his smile, he hid concerns. It was so fast to die here. No health bars to keep in check. Nothing but realism. He had to keep Yellow safe.

-        Cut back to Pink and White. Though they hate each other, they do work together. There’s no point letting their disagreements drag the group down. They manage to find an old gun store. Jackpot? As they scavenge, a wild, and mutated animal enters the store. A chase ensues. White is quick and small. He manages to get away fast, leaving behind the stocky and slower Pink. She curses at him for not sticking to her. She gets cornered as more of the same mutants show up. She decides she needs to blow them in one go. It’s her only choice. Though it’s one of her last three, she readies her grenade, but is beat to the punch by a giant beam crushing all three mutants. The dust settles and she sees White on top of the beam, having pushed it down with his entire weight. He’s hurt.

-        He turns on his healing, but it’ll still take a while. She helps him up. She’s salty, but grateful. He’s limping. They’re far from the group. And they still need to go back and check for ammo. Stuck together for longer, they finally break the ice. She was impressed by how quick he was. He hesitantly takes the compliment. As they continue, curiosity burns. She’s been chastising him for so long, she wants genuine answers. She asks him why he chose to be a medic. He says he didn’t. He was forced into it because, naturally, his siblings and parents already filled other roles. She doesn’t like this answer. So he relented?  Just like that? She lets him have it. Orange loves being medic. She put her heart and soul into her job. He just does this because of his family.

-        White bites back. Yeah he gave in. His family is so overwhelming. His entire life was already given goals he didn’t choose. An idea he had to live as. Of course she wouldn’t understand. No one but them would understand. He has no choice. But he doesn’t want to disappoint or be a burden. That’s his reason for training! He…. Breaks down at this. He cries. Pink is very uncomfortable. They reach the gun store and separate again. Its quiet with the occasional sniffles. Pink feels…. A bit bad.

-        They do find ammo. White heals. They walk back. Pink relents after a few minutes, and tells White that… he isn’t.. the WORST medic. He did manage to be second in the competition. That counts for something. He’s surprised by her try at peace. He also gives in. He says he’s sorry for taking Orange’s spot. He honestly didn’t ask for it. But his family… Pink is surprised by this confession. So he didn’t get in because he pulled strings. It was his overbearing parents. She finally gives up her hatred for the short dude. It’s not helping either of them. They return more successful than the others, being the second group back. To Red’s delight, White and Pink aren’t fighting anymore. She gives them both a pat and congratulates them. She’s proud they can work through their differences. As she leaves them, they both sigh at the same time. Then look at each other. Oh yeah. They’re still rivals.

-        Yellow and Green get back late. They tell the group about the kids. Blue is quick to groan, but Red takes an interest. She allows the team to accept the side quest. They just need to help one hurt kid, after all. They turn to White, pleadingly. Can he do it? White gulps, the pressure being on for him to succeed. Now was his chance to prove himself as a medic.

-        Still not sure how to make the healing system work exactly, but ultimately, he succeeds. The kids swear he’s a wizard, but he brushes it off. Still, he’s flattered and riding a high from his success. They say goodbye to the kids, who take a liking to White, Green and Yellow for being nice. They still don’t like Blue and are wary of Pink and Red. Either way, they leave, and the three favored talk about how real the kids acted. The NPCs in this world are well-made.

-        They’re on the move and there’s some lighter bickering between White and Pink as they continue trying to get Red’s attention, but she ignores them. They halt their walking as a familiar event occurs, dirty beat up cars coming and circling them. They stop and open. A big man, clearly in charge steps out. He’s there to give them a warning. When they stepped inside that normal-looking house, they were in Crumble territory. His lackeys foolishly followed behind, and now the building is gone. He’s barely placated these ‘Crumbles’ by making a deal with them. To catch this team and bring them back. His lackeys point their weapons. Are they going to come quietly or do they need to make a scene?

-        Pink is excited. “Oh the plot is picking up!” It’s a fight. It’s super close, the hardest fight they’ve been in by far, but it’s completely thanks to their armor that they get the upper hand, and leave by stealing a vehicle. All those driving games taught White how to be a getaway driver well. They escape, and along the way, ditch the car in case they can track it. They survived the second day.

-        Back to it being night, they make a fire and gather around. They have bedrolls to sleep in, but it’s uncomfortable. One person will stay guard while the rest sleep. They SHOULD be sleeping in their armor no problem. But especially with the bedrolls… its uncomfortable. So Pink takes hers off. As they choose spots to put down their rolls, she ends up setting hers next to White. She tells him he’s impressed her today. “If you can’t make it as a medic, you can definitely win competitions with those skills you know.” White is embarrassed, but… hopeful. He liked the thrill of going fast. Maybe… this could be something he’s good at. As Pink lays herself down, she slips and hurts herself on a jagged rock. She starts to bleed. White stares. They’re baffled. Having never taken their suits off prior, they hadn’t realized they can bleed. “It even hurts.” Pink laughs it off. “Damn, they went all out for this.” White agrees, but it still doesn’t sit well. Red passes them and his concern fades into thoughts of her instead. He gets up.

-        Red is first watch. He stops by to just…. Tell her she’s doing a good job leading them so far. Red is surprised. He never talks to her first, always shy and skittish. She smiles back at him, sadly. She thanks him, but she can’t take the compliment. Black’s loss was a failure on her part. A real good leader would’ve held him back by force. It was a stupid death, no way around it.

-        After an awkward silence (because White didn’t know how to follow that up), Red decides its her turn to be nice. She thanks White for saving them today. Her compliment is genuine, and she follows it with a head pat. He’s incredibly happy from this, and goes to bed looking beet red with a goofy smile. Pink notices. She decides it’s time for her to get a bit more aggressive. Gotta put down all her cards before slowpoke seals the deal.

-        Pink’s shift is next. As she goes to relieve Red, she also tries for small chat. It doesn’t work. Red calls her out for not being in her armor. Pink says she’ll get it in a bit. Red starts to leave, she is tired. Pink blurts in a moment of impulsiveness.

-        “When… all this is done, can we go for a drink?” Red stops and turns around. She’s confused. “Uh.. sure? I imagine we’ll all have a big celebration with alcohol anyways…” “Yeah, but I’m not asking to just get wasted. I’m asking to.. be able to get alone with you.”

-        Ah. Now Red gets it. She’s embarrassed. After a momentary pause that feels like forever, she speaks. “I’m… sorry.” Pink is hurt. She knew she had less of a chance with her but she’s still hurt. Pink brushes it off. “It’s ok.” Red still looks like she has more to say, but… she turns back. She’s tired and now isn’t a good time. The stream is still on. God, Red remembered and so did Pink. She just got rejected in front of the whole Bunker... Pink is frustrated and cant sleep even when her shift is done.

~~~~~~~~

-        Back at the Bunker, Orange watched the confession and felt terrible for her friend. She had been embarrassed today. Still, more than the concern for her love life, was the concern for her life. The confession was secondary to the threat of them all dying.

-        The media has blown up much much more. Everyone was scared for the player’s lives already, but after today’s stream, more joined in. The people that hated White have mostly turned around, finding his day as redeeming. Instead, blame was shifted onto his family as they were now seen for the perfectionist robots they were. But more than that, they have now effectively put their youngest in danger for his life by forcing him onto this game. Very unexpectedly, the Whites…. Showed remorse. They never expected to sign away their child’s life. It was just supposed to be another prestigious event to get their name into. They’re mad at the game developers and are with the people hounding the government to get answers. They’re mad, and they want their family member back. Alive.

-        Yellow also begins getting his own fans. Showing care for the NPCs, especially contrasted with Blue’s disregard of them…. Blue fans are buzzing. What kind of person doesn’t care for children, EVEN in a game? Defenders of Blue make their case, it’s a dangerous situation and they’ve lost Black. Though he doesn’t know it, keeping everyone in the team alive over NPCs IS the way to go. Still, it doesn’t sit well with half his supporters, and alliances are shifting. Yellow is gaining followers.

-        Pink’s bold declaration made her gain new fans. Many proclaimed that if Pink made it out, they would gladly take her. Orange grimaced at these. Red, likewise, got a lot of…. Hate. Pink fans thought she was too mean with her rejection. Red stans defended her right to say no. There was a battle between the two, and in any other day this would be normal, but the underlying pressure of either not making it highlights their hate for one another. These could be their last moments, and now they’ll spend them awkwardly. Orange sighs and drops her phone.

-        All day, Orange’s sister has been out of the house. Though she had taken food with her, Orange guesses it wasn’t enough. Orange hasn’t talked to her all day, not after finding out her friend was in danger and her sister was part of it. There are no words to describe her feelings. Still. With how stressful things are right now…. Her sister should be at her top game trying to fix this. She should be eating well. Orange makes her dinner, still… upset but resigned to what’s happened, and goes to deliver it. Having done this before, she has no problem getting through to her office. She meant to leave the packed, warm lunch in her desk if she wasn’t there, but she dillydallies when she finds the picture of White on her sister’s screen. She looks around. No one is watching her, everyone busy with the catastrophe at hand. She clicks through and discovers. Her sister specifically made the deal to keep her out of the game. To bring White in. In her emails, she seemed aggressive this be done. Even threatening to quit her beloved job. Orange hears the clicking of her sister’s heels and returns everything back the way it was. She sits down at her sister’s seat with the dinner in her lap and her phone in her hand, pretending to have been waiting for her. The interaction is normal. She hugs her, gives her the food, and leaves. On the way out, she sees a group of her sister’s coworkers rush out of a familiar room. The room that’s always been showcased as where the players would be held. She slips behind the cameras and peeks in through the door’s small window. The machine that was supposed to connect everyone’s minds is… empty. They’re not here. Orange’s stomach twists. Where are they then?

-        Hearing more people coming, she rushes out of the corridor and out of the building. She has too much to think about. Too many implications. She. Wants. Answers.

~~~~~~~~~~~

-        One day left. They are close! They wake up and get ready. Their last stop crosses through a town. They’ll get to interact with more NPCs! Everyone is excited. They begin the walk, Blue talking to Red, Green to White. Pink stayed quiet. Yellow is concerned for his sister. All their time spent here, she’s been making googly eyes at Red, and now she won’t even look at her. Oh no. He knows whats up.

-        He tries to cheer her up, reminiscing her old girlfriends… and some other nice girls waiting back home. Pink snorts. She’s not in the mood for this. Not from someone like him. Yellow is hurt. What does she mean someone like him? Much to his dismay, Pink gives him a look. Then she looks back at Blue. … she knew? “You knew?” “It’s… not exactly subtle.” She teased. “You’ve liked him since you wer-“ “PINK! SHUT UP!” “What? Rude.” Yellow looks furious. Slow realization dawns on her yet again. She forgot that they were on a stream. Ooh dear.

-        Now they were both in a bad mood. Yellow terrified of going back when they won, to having clips of his sister’s words thrown in his and Blue’s face. He never wanted to confess! This will ruin their friendship! And the audience backlash!!!! Blue has a lot of diehard stans that… to put it mildly, are not keen on giving him up. To hear his own best friend, whom they barely tolerated already, has a crush on him. Yellow. Was. Scared.

-        Pink feels so guilty. She was already in a crappy mood and now she’s gone and made things worse. It’s her turn to try to reach out and reassure Yellow, when more dust picks up from behind. They hear the sounds of vehicles. Oh great, there’s more. They ready for a fight, but are caught off guard when the cars aren’t stopping. They instead, zoom by, each one trying to wrap a rope lasso around a member as they move. Most of them dodge or cut the ropes in time. Pink doesn’t She’s caught by the midriff and dragged along, her armor taking most of the hits for her as she bounces along the ground. This is NOT her day! Her teammates chase after her, but the cars are too fast. Thinking fast, she pulls a grenade from her backpack. The one she didn’t use against the mutants. She aims, and luck is on her side as she’s able to chuck it inside the open window holding her rope. The car explodes and she’s blown back. She hits her helmet. She dents it. Her livestream is shut off.

-        Her teammates get to her just as soon as the cars double back and try to lasso them again. They’re prepared now, dodging and even pulling someone out by yanking on the rope. They kill them. Per Red’s orders, they aim for the wheels. They get one car to pop, the others drive away, having failed. The car they left behind is quiet. They inch closer. They see the figure inside, staring at them. He opens his mouth, but before he can say a word, Green from behind everyone shoots him in the head. She needed to practice using Black’s gun anyways. Everyone congratulates her for her aim… though it wasn’t as good as it could be. She laughs with them, promising to give up being a sniper one this was over. She’s only taking over because she lost her gun.

-        Pink gets up. From her reads, its clear her livestream set up is too jammed to start back up again. Her footage is lost now. It’s a bummer. Yellow helps her as they continue moving towards their destination, but neither speak. Still mad. Still guilty. They reach the town. It’s huge! And unlike the abandoned city, it’s full of people… They decide to stay and explore a bit. They had time, their destination was just a ways across from here. They’d make it.

-        Trying to distract herself from her conflicting emotions, Pink leaves the group when they’re not looking to go to a bar. There, she finds what she believes to be a mini quest. An old man is complaining about what he calls ‘the abomination’ taking his wares the other day. Pink jumps into accepting this NPC’s quest, to defeat the abomination and retrieve his goods. She follows his directions to the outskirts of town. To a normal-looking cabin. Wanting this to be quick she carelessly blasts the front door open and immediately, a fight begins. The abomination has green fur, different sized golden eyes, and scales and spikes scattered around its body. The abomination makes some clear sounds that reminisce garbles. So it can’t even communicate. This has got to be it.

-        They fight, almost destroying the home in the process. The abomination almost bites the dust with a full face blast, but manages to scurry away, Pink hot on their trail. In the chase, she follows it out of the town… into a valley… behind a fence clearly stating danger… The creature leads her to a cave where it gets darker… and warmer… By the time she notices her radiation alarms going off, she’s already feeling sick and exhausted. She passes out.

-        She comes to outside, feeling something in her mouth. She swallows unconsciously, but gags at the foul taste and sputters. She looks up at the person holding her. The abomination. Pink is quick on the draw…. Except her gun is not with her. Neither is her suit. She panics but a voice is heard from behind. “She saved you, and you still want to blast her?!” She turns around to see a shiny, scaled person judging her. “You should’ve left her in the cave, Charger.”

-        The abomination makes more garbles, with a shrug. Pink is confused. With the help of the draconic(?) (who is the abomination’s brother???) the situation is cleared up. So the quest was a lie. The old man is a smuggler, and the goods they confiscated where weapons stolen from another smaller town nearby. Pink was being played. Pink apologizes, not knowing what else to do. She had thought this was just another clear cut mini-mission. Who knew this game had moral complexity like this?

-        Charger forgives her, to her brother’s annoyance. Pink stick around for a bit, offered a place at their dinner table. She got to meet their oldest brother, and taste what local food is really like. It’s not bad. She gets back her suit and weapon. She’s allowed to go. But before she does… she ends up opening up to these nice NPCs. Why not? Her comms where off and her livestream camera was busted anyways. The NPCs nodded along and Charger gave her a hug by the end. The middle brother gave a few words of wisdom. “So it’s not what you wanted. But at least you’ve got a great friend to add to your collection. And she sounds pretty bad ass… you gotta keep those close.” Pink laughed. Yeah… she’s been lucky in the friend department. She mused how much she missed Orange. She got to leave finally, a load off her shoulders. She went back to the group, where stuff… is going down. The town is in chaos and her team is in the middle of it. What happened while she was gone?

-        When Pink left, the group had decided to split again. Green, Blue and Yellow went to see something (idk lol haven’t worked this out yet) and White and Red stayed together. They explore the local food and shops. They have a nice time taking everything in. They peak a few people’s curiosities, but they aren’t outright being aggressive, so the NPCs leave them alone. It’s a fun day…. One could even say…. It’s like a fun… date…

-        White can’t hold it in anymore. He’s ready to confess. He takes her to a secluded spot and very nervously fidgets with his helmet… taking it off and begins to talk by bringing up a memory. The day Red helped him. Red’s attention is piqued. What about it? White continues. That day, he had hit his alltime low. He was ready to quit gaming altogether. But she… gave him hope again. Made him strive to be someone worthy of working beside her. Her cheeks redden and her eyes widen. She’s realizing where this is going. White continues. Being here, watching her work…. He was content with just staying in the background... but after today. He holds her hand, he himself turning into a tomato. Nervously, he blurts. He wants to stay by her side, even outside of this game. He has his eyes closed. No sounds respond to him. He nervously opens them to see Red’s expression. She looks sympathetic… but that’s it. His heart drops. “White…” His face stays aflame, he wants to cry.

-        With a shaky voice he rushes out. “Oh-nonono its ok I just. I pushed this on you- Im ok I just-“ “No. White, listen to me.” He stops his tumbling and listens. He wont look at her, but he’s readying himself for her response. She sighs, and takes his shaking shoulders. “I like you White… but I’m not… interested in being in a relationship. With anyone.” White’s shakiness drops. Ok… now he’s looking at her. Her expression is sincere. White is confused. Red makes a disgruntled noise. “I should’ve explained this sooner to people… I’m not looking for any romance. I just. Don’t have any interest in it.” She looks away, taking another breath and continues. “I know most people don’t understand it but please… believe me. This isn’t me lying to you to make your rejection easier. I…. genuinely am trying to… get you to understand.” Her expressions. Her trying to hard. He’s seen enough. He’s convinced. And he’s honestly... touched. He sniffles and rubs his eyes, he was just about to cry a second ago. But he feels it’s silly now. He’s still sad, but more than that. He smiles at her. He thanks her for confessing this to him… he hopes this means they can stay friends. She smiles back, relieved, beaming. Of course. She thanks him for understanding and ends the conversation with a hug. It’s a nice rejection.

-        It’s at this moment, that they are attacked. Caught completely off-guard, they are easy targets. Still, they put up a fight. Red can get to her gun and fends them off. White isn’t as lucky. He’s knocked down easily, tied and gagged. He’s got a concussion, but he’s still fighting to stay conscious. Red chases after them, shooting. People around the streets flee from the scene. Green, Blue and Yellow heard the commotion. They run and are ready to help, weapons raised. The kidnappers know they are outnumbered. But they have leverage. They hide behind White, holding his struggling body. If they shoot, they can hit his soft nogging. The one holding him grips his hair tightly. White makes a noise of pain.

-        Pain. In game. The team looks at one another. Red tells them to put their weapons down. They slowly do. A car comes blasting through the now empty streets. Their ride. They’re taking White. If they want him safe, they’ll come with them without any problem. More bad guys get around them. They’re ready to bind them. Red is the quickest shot. She knocks back the person behind her, manages to shoot the two behind Green and Yellow, and Blue followed suit with his own. She points her gun to the one holding White, but a sharp cry of pain makes her hesitate.

-        What was he doing? He twisted White’s arm forcefully and doesn’t stop until it snaps. White is screaming. His arm socket has popped off. It hangs loosely. The holder is cursing at them. They should’ve played nice! He throws White into the car and jumps in, closing the door. The car slams it. They shoot but its too late. White is gone. They’ve lost a member to an unforeseen obstacle.

-        They’ve failed.

-        And more than that.

-        Those cries… wont leave their heads. Red throws her gun in anger. White was in pain. There is pain in this game. Real, fucking pain. Blue and Yellow immediately look at each other. Green is in shock. What the fuck is going on.

-        Pink returns to this, White missing and the group in shambles. Pink is confused. Of course there is pain. Had no one else noticed? They look at one another. They never left their suits. They never got hurt before this. No. Only White has gotten bruises from the pillar he toppled. Only Pink has gotten cut from a rock. Their only concerns were dodging bullets that didn’t even penetrate their armor. They didn’t think pain would be a factor. This new information sets a series of horrid questions through their brains. It was this easy to get hurt. And Black? He died in an explosion. His suit may protect him from bullets but not from fires that hot. He may be chilling back home now, but at what cost?

-        What madman programmed realistic pain into a fucking game.

[cupidssrosses]

i. love. ship. playlists.

so, i know for a FACT that im not the only one that uses songs to picture scenarios with a pairing i really love. like, sometimes im so set on the idea of a ship that i have to rewrite the entire show in my brain, rework it so that they end up together logically. songs are always so good to visualise too. harringrove is the BEST for this, because the show itself uses scenes set to 80s music all the time. 

anywho, this is a really longwided way of saying hey heres my harringrove playlist enjoy :)

this song has always been made for a scene where tension has to slowly build.

so, instead of the scene with billy and neil happening at the end of the season when theres much more world-end-y  things to deal with, it happens earlier. 

the  scene happens, billy goes to find max and ends up finding steve and the kids in that junkyard. 

“am i dreaming or is that you harrington”

(really rushed) “yeah its me dont cream your pants what the FUCK are you doing here hargrove you have to leave right now”

billy won’t shut the fuck up so steve has to cover his mouth and try to push him into the bus. then we hear a demidog, steve gives up on billy and gets ready to fight, quietly hands billy a broken pole or something just in case. 

the song starts from 0:00 right when billy sees the demidog, the camera pans in on his face, just so confused and scared, processing what hes seeing. then he joins the fight, he and steve back to back protecting the kids. this leads to billy being part of the gang, at least in some respects. hes strong as fuck and now they have to fill him in on the circumstances now so hes around more often to help. he wants to protect max, but also be near/protect steve. 

so ! during subsequent fights/situations, billy and steve get a little closer, damn they’re not in love but hey they’re getting more comfortable and theres deeeefinitely some mutal attraction, the energy from those shower and basketball scenes hasn’t gone away. if steves the mother figure billys the dad. 

on the “i need a hero” (BAM) part that leads into the chorus, billy saves steve with some kind of big action you know? RIGHT on the beat i swear i get chills every time i picture it to this song. like he pushes something off of him or pull him out of the way really suddenly after running reaaaallly fast to get to him. right after it cuts to steve looking all suprised and impressed while billy keeps fighting. 

same applies to the part that goes “watched out here i COME” in the second song, except its steve saving billy. 

since two thousand and fucking 17 ive seen this song as billys image of steve. it always sounded like his thoughts about him. 

this is one of the first moments billy realises he might really REALLY like steve. hes not just horny he might actually love this moron. at around 2:07 when all the instrumental goes away and its mainly the drums, thats when it happens. 

hes picking steve up from somewhere. theyve been spending more time together as buddies. he apologised for being a dick, theyve had some more serious conversations. hes taking him to hang out with the kids, maybe he just needed a ride home from school or work. anyway, its golden hour. hes waiting to see him and hes weirdly nervous, more than he ever was waiting to pick up a date with one of the hawkins girls.

and then he sees steve walk out onto the street, or come around the corner.

his heart STOPS. steve just looks so beautiful. the light hitting his hair. he smiles at someone he knows as the walk by. billys just HIT with hoe much he loves this stupid moron and his stupid fucking smile.

steves looking around for the car and looks so. happy. when he sees billy, billy smiles back. its been a while since hes smiled that genuinely. 

billy really really part of gang now. this might be sometime after the final events of season 2 i think?? billys saved them all, had a lot of experiences, hes built up some trust with the group and it feels normal that hes there. hes part of the family, and thats what this songs about. 

it night time, theyre at steves house, all the kids, nancy, jonathen, etc. some are swimming, everyones dancing, things feel a little more okay. 

at around 1:54, (again im a sucker for stripping away most of the instrumental and relying on a few key sounds, including loud drums) billy looks around. he has for one of the first times in a while this sense of FAMILY and ACCEPTANCE and SAFETY.

theres all these shots of everyone having fun, like 2 or 3 cuts, then to steve. just standing there laughing, hairs all wet from the pool, towel around his shoulders. he looks over, catches billys eye, gives him a smile, it feels like he knows what hes thinking, and he feels the same way. 

same night, during the part build up that starts at around 2:53, everyones trying to get billy to dance, hes been smoking on one of the pool chairs, not antisocial just not dancing. not his thing. plus he doesnt want to look like an idiot infront of steve. anyway. 

one of the kids starts it, starts gesturing for him to get up, pointedly singing the lyrics, the rest join in unti theyre all singing and chanting for him to join, all while the song builds and builds. finally steve joins in. maintains eye contact. thats enough for billy. he just keeps his eyes on steve as he stands up. its more like theyre dancing together, less like the kids are there. right at the end of that bridge he just lets go. takes of his jacket and dances around with everyone. he doesnt look stupid either. he looks good. and steve notices 

this is a small one, i dont even have a story to it. all i know is that comparisons between the scene that accompanies this song in top gun and the basket ball scene in st2 have been made, and itd be a super fun, corny scene :)

starts at the very begining. this song has ALWAYS felt so magical and me. i get chills every god damn time i hear the intro. i want their first kiss to be to the intro. 

its after the last fight of season three. someone else was flayed, someone we dont love. obviously billy survives. in FACT, he was along for the ride with robin and steve, all the shenanigens with the russians, billy was tied up and drugged too. BOTH he and robin admit their sexualities. 

billy still sacrafices himself to save the kids from the monster, he says something cute like “see ya round pretty boy” or some corny shit like that before he goes to run and save el, theres a moment when steve knows what hes about to do, theyre staring at eachother and theeeerse the electricity steve knows so much about. theyre really about to kiss, staring at eachothers mouths, but the monster makes a noise and billy knows its now or never, so he runs off. 

steve tries to save him but gets nocked out. he goes unconcious thinking billys going to or is already dead. 

it cuts to the end scene when theyre all in the car park. steves got an icepack to his face, hes obviously been sobbing. 

but he heres a voice. 

(clearly overjoyed and kind of smug) “am i dreaming or is that you harrington”

he looks up. its billy. we get a nice long run-jump-hug. steves in billys arms before he can even finish his sentence:

(nearly crying but SO excited) “yeah its me dont cream your pa-”

NOW. OKAY SO. i love love love they idea of billy steve and robin going home with murray, or at least showing up at his place. maybe billy cant stand the thought of going home, hell maybe neil was the one that got flayed and died idk. anyway.

nancy and jonathen are like, we know a place if people dont want to go home, and they go murrays place. when they show up at the door murray KNOWS. hes like “ffs two more people who have repressed feelings for eachother what am i a therapist. but he lets them in and they have a similar conversation that murray had with nancy and jonathen/joyce and hopper. poking fun at how much they like eachother etc. 

billy and steve have a really intimate talk. not sexaul intimate, just really open. theyre both so tiered, steve thought billy was dead, billy had to say goodbye to steve, who he KNOWS hes in love with by now, thinking he was about to die. they both KNOW how the feel about eachother now, but they havent said it explicitly. just lots of “i really thought id lost you”, “your my best friend”, “i cant believe youd do that for me” etc etc. 

they decide to go to bed, billy walks steve to his room, the one nancy stayed in when she and jonathen got together, theyre standing at the door. just staring at eachother like they were during that fight sequence. the energies back. billy really thinks he might go for it, but decides he doesnt want to ruin things if steve doesnt really feel the same way. he doesnt even know if he likes guys yet. so he just says “night steve” (steve, get it, not harrington, cause theyre close now and he loves him and those defensive barriers are down ahhhh). 

just as he turns to leave, steve does this:

this exact thing. he grabs billys arm, leans down and kisses him. he thought he lost his chance once, he nearly died like a million times in the past 48 hours. he cant stop himself. 

RIGHT HERE is when the intro to jump kicks in. FUck that synth, the rumbling note that runs through the whole thing. time. stops. its perfect. billys wanted this for so long, so has steve but in the grand tradition of fanfiction he didnt know it until he nearly lost billy for good. 

their arms are all over eachother, just as the rest of the instruments come in, at like 0:15, they both smile into the kiss and shut the door behind them, and it cuts away :). 

theyre finally together!!! theyre in the happy, honeymoon stage of realtionship. god theyre just fucking every. chance. they. get. i think this is a new season. it’s a montage of them hooking up all over hawkins. 

in the back of the video store, robin covering for them. in the car, outside school, steves house. someone walks in and billy has to hang out of the window. he makes a noise and steves like “thats probably just a bird or something” and billy MAKES A BIRD NOISE TO THE BEST OF HIS ABILITY. 

when steve helps him back inside he just stares a him with that “youre a moron but your my moron now” face. “~mimics the sound billy made~ really?” and then billy just laughs and goes back to hooking up with him. 

theyre just HAPPY. theyre comfortble, theyre stupid idiots whod die for eachother and horny as fuck allllll the time, like young guys are. i just want a really lighthearted, NOT INNOCENT, but lighthearted tone to a whole montage of them just being happy and stupid together. 

aaaaand we’re bassically at the end of the storyline i have for them based on music. these three i just like the thought of. i want steve do dance super shamelessly in his bedroom in a towel, not in a sexy way dont get me wrong he looks DUmb, and billys at his door window just admiring this stupid idiot dancing around. i cant believe im in love with this man this graceless lanky man i had to choose this one. but ill be damned if i wouldnt give my fucken life for him

and finally trust me go listen to any scorpions song its bassicaly a harrington anthem. it all started with rock you like a hurricain for me, i saw steve look at him, i saw billy and listened to the lyrics and just thought theres no god damned way this man is straight whats the bet hes into steve and then BAM same season hes just so obviously flirting with him constantly i-

anyway okay so

this song, like many other scorpion songs is allll about billy and steve in my opion. go have fun. 

PlayerEntity made this gif not me all credit to them i just wanted to include it cause its my favorite edit of them ever. 

and thats all!!! if youre seeing this and you thought it was cool thanks i had fun. i really just wanted to get this shit out of my brain its been up there since i was a fuckn 14 year old, now im 18 lol. 

i love these men more than myself and sometimes i forget that theyre not acutally together in show cause i live so completely through fanfiction and the sequence of events you just read. 

fuck why am i signing out like you just watched a youtube video or something i should just post this okay by now xxxxx

[rosyredlipstick]

R + E = LO(V)ERS

*takes a drag of a candy cigarette* clown embers? I havent heard that name in years

For the anon who requested a part 2 reddie fic rec list!! Seriously i can do this all day!!! Link to part one!!

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everything in its right place by richietosier

Stanley Uris takes a bath and decides to go back to Derry.

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How I already reached my daily amount of screaming about how much I love Stan Uris? Yes? All well, because THIS FIC DOES EVERYTHING RIGHT. Basically a retelling of chapter 2 with the excellent addition of mr. stanley uris, accountant man. I adore it. Please read it and message me to scream about how amazing it is that stan uris survived in canon.

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to feel awake when my eyes are open by winchysteria

“Aw, shucks, you’d really do all that for little ol’ me?” Richie fawns in his best-worst Southern Belle voice.

Eddie is offscreen washing his hands in the kitchen sink when he says “Yeah, dumbass, I have disposable income, and the office can cope without me for like two and a half days.”

“You’re serious?” Richie asks quietly, a little overcome.

“Yeah, man,” Eddie says, stepping back into frame. “Only if you want me to, though, I mean—” His eyebrows come in for a worried landing over his eyes, as they often do, and Richie loves them when they do that but he does not want to miss out on the opportunity to have Eddie in his house instead of on his grainy cell phone screen.

“No, I want you to!” Richie says frantically. “I insist, Eduardo. Come to California.”

Eddie’s smile pops up, just briefly, a flash of white pixels as he looks down at his hands. “Okay,” he says.

“Okay.”

a fic about the various hungers of richie tozier and how they are fed. but mostly about his birthday

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Read this fic. Love this fic. Check out winchysteria’s other fics and scream. ADORE THIS FIC. i just LOVE how the writer writes eddie and the layer of just,,,,love that runs throughout this piece. AH!

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the mind's a funny fruit by joldiego

A man wakes up in Derry, Maine with no memory and a hole in his chest.

He names himself Richie and moves on from there.

-

Oh my GEEEEE. This fic!!! I won’t spoil it for you, but I’m SO IN LOVE WITH IT. Warning: It ~~does~~ have kind of a cliff hanger and the series is incomplete as of now, but seriously READ IT ITS SO GOOD. 

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little world by fuckener

Eddie could see the layers and layers of tape he’d wrapped around the leg of Richie’s glasses over a month ago, shaped like a little cocoon. He reached out and touched it with the tip of his finger.

“These don’t even sit straight anymore,” he said. “Why are you still wearing them?”

Richie didn’t blink from behind the lenses until Eddie took his hand back.

“I don’t know. My life is kind of a mess right now. They feel appropriate.”

“Your life isn’t a mess, Rich.”

“It really, really is.” Richie straightened, started talking with his hands when he said, “Hey, shouldn’t you be shouting? I feel like this would be easier if you were shouting.”

“You said you’d take this seriously,” Eddie said.

-

Genuinely, I just love fics where Eddie visits Richie. Like, that alone for the premise of a fic has me hOOKED. But this fic has EVERYTHING - post clown depression, caring Stan Uris, getting your life together by leaving your wife, an amazing writing of Beverly--EVERYTHING. 

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nor rivers drown it by theparadigmshifts

"We promised to confide in each other, and cherish each other, and sustain each other, and all that jazz.”

Stan stares at her, blinks twice.

"And right now, that means going back to your horror-show hometown, and facing your trauma, and potentially killing a demon. Together."

---

Or: When Mike calls from Derry, Patty answers the phone instead.

-

Listen, I’m a reddie shipper till I die BUT STAN URIS IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER. Especially when the author explores his deep friendships with the losers??? AND gives Patty an amazing characterization???? ((Seriously Patty is SO COOL HERE) this fic is amazing, amazing, pls read. Also, the second installment in this series has a Reddie focus and it’s GREAT 

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convinced myself i'd never find you by playedwright

September 6th, 2014. This was the day Eddie first heard Dr. Richie Tozier’s voice.

Eddie worked night shifts because it meant he got to be alone, solely in charge of manning Mission Control, and because Richie slept weird hours and was almost always up to talk to him. They talked to each other a lot. More times than Eddie could even try to count. Eddie had assumed he wouldn’t fall in love with an astronaut he’d never so much as laid eyes on in person.

June 2nd, 2015. This was the day Eddie found out Dr. Richie Tozier was most likely dead.

(Or, a very loosely inspired Gravity AU)

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Ah, yes, more playedwright fic recs because they’re AMAZING AND CAPTURE REDDIE SO WELL AND SPACE AUS???? SIGN ME UPPPP. I recced their Martian AU in the last list and this is another space AU but they somehow make it feel and read completely unique from what they’ve done in the past and manage to layer Eddie’s emotions so WELL. I LOVE IT AND THEM.

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hi im a loser who only reads fic and only had to scroll to her second page of ao3 history to find these gems. read them, love them, pledge your loyalty to the writers by gracious comments. enjoy!!

[wetalkinboutbooks]

Deathless Divide by Justina Ireland

Summary:  The sequel to Dread Nation is a journey of revenge and salvation across a divided America.

After the fall of Summerland, Jane McKeene hoped her life would get simpler: Get out of town, stay alive, and head west to California to find her mother.

But nothing is easy when you're a girl trained in putting down the restless dead, and a devastating loss on the road to a protected village called Nicodemus has Jane questioning everything she thought she knew about surviving in 1880's America.

What's more, this safe haven is not what it appears - as Jane discovers when she sees familiar faces from Summerland amid this new society. Caught between mysteries and lies, the undead, and her own inner demons, Jane soon finds herself on a dark path of blood and violence that threatens to consume her.

But she won't be in it alone.

Katherine Deveraux never expected to be allied with Jane McKeene. But after the hell she has endured, she knows friends are hard to come by - and that Jane needs her, too, whether Jane wants to admit it or not.

Watching Jane's back, however, is more than she bargained for, and when they both reach a breaking point, it's up to Katherine to keep hope alive - even as she begins to fear that there is no happily-ever-after for girls like her (Taken from Goodreads)

Our Ratings:  

 → Geena:  ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

 → Kae: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ x1000

Overall: A killer sequel to Dread Nation, you’re constantly on the edge of your seat and each chapter is a new layer of stress. There’s never a moment of rest and repose because Justina Ireland hooks you with the first chapter and doesn’t let go until you’ve turned the last page.

~ Check out the spoiler-full review/plot discussion below!

The Bad: 

→ Redjack and Redfern

Geena: We’re starting with the bad because as Kae said ‘So much bad happens before the good’ and that’s the best way to describe this book. Let’s start off with our fave rogue from Dread Nation who turns out to be a WHOLE BITCH!!! Once Jane and Katherine and Co. get out of Summerland and meet up with him to plan their next move, Jane and them want to go to Nicodemus (a safe town run by a black man and a council of freed slaves and indigenous ppl). Redjack is like ‘it’s an overpopulated place let’s not’ but Jane isn’t dumb and sniffs out that there’s something else, and after Katherine and Jane both needle him we find out that… THIS BITCH IS MARRIED… AND HAS BEEN FOR A WHILE?????? ALL THE WHILE HE WAS FLIRTING AND MACKING ON JANE HE WAS MARRIED????????????? This is the start of the downfall of men in this book, it only gets worse from here… Jane confronts him about being played and he’s basically like ‘Jane you’re fun and all but like you’d never settle down, I seen you fighting and stuff just because you want to… I need a home for Lily’... and like… ok.... Jane is immediately like ‘He wanted a doormat’ and I DIED… but karma works fast and he gets bit by a shambler literally the same night lmao… and guess who kills him? JANE.. though it’s quite emotional because she had feelings for him. 

Jane also steals one of his letters when she kills him and kjnsfdskj we find out his wife is preggers but who’s gonna tell her that Redjack is capital d DEAD...  

Kae: Alright. MF’n REDJACK. This man… With his cute ass… He was just TRASH. A real fuckboy and Geena summed him up perfectly. I was like, a lil sad to see him go? But good riddance to him for playing my Janey Jane. She may be a tough-ass, but she absolutely has feelings (THAT SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH) but still. She has feelings. 

So now, let’s talk about Redfern’s shady ass. I’ve always side-eyed Redfern. I didn’t trust him. I had a very hard time trusting him because how you gone help The White Man ™  help enslave black and other indigenous peoples for your own gain? Like, boy fuck you. Shady ass. He’s the one that transported Jane, Katherine, and Red Jack to Summerland in the first place. So it was definitely a shock to see his fool ass in Nicodemus as the damn SHERIFF. LIKE WHO TF?

Geena: RIGHT I WAS LIKE WHY IS HE EVERYWHERE? IS HE CLONING HIMSELF??

Kae: And like, he jails Jane because when her and the gang arrive, the surviving folks of Summerland blame her for the small settlement falling to the dead. Redfern is like “Look, Jane. I know you ain’t do that shit. But I gotta jail you so they can stfu. You’ll get a fair trial.” And Jane doesn’t trust this and neither do I. Because black people didn’t get a fair ANYTHING back then. (We still don't) BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY. ANYWAAAAAAAY. Jane catches Redfern shooting the breeze with Miss Duncan and they eventually set her free. All the while, Katherine, a few homies they met in Summerland, and a few homies from Miss Prestons, are planning to break Jane out and BOUNCE. When Jane and Katherine finally reunite, Katherine is like “JANE. MY BESTIE. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU!” And Jane is like “Lol, yikes. We’re not even friends wtf?” Because again, Jane can’t handle feelings or people genuinely caring about her. That has a bit to do with mommy issues. NOW.  Jane has been trying to tell the council of Nicodemus that the horde of zombies will break down the wall that protects the city. But they’re like “HURR DURR SHUT UUUUP. We have machine guns. And that Gideon scientist boy has been keeping up gucci.” And Jane knows walls don’t hold forever. So she’s like we need to get TF up out of here. So she starts making a plan… And that’s when shit starts going south.

Geena: Like Kae said, Redfern is a traitor in all sense of the word… The only time he seems normal is when he’s hardcore crushing on Miss Duncan, but even then… He ends up telling Jane that he only cares about self-preservation and that’s why he’ll stab even his own mother in the back if it means he’ll be safe… OKAY HE DOESN’T SAY THAT BUT REDFERN 100% WOULD… Well kARMA GOT IT’S KISS FOR REDFERN TOO bc when Nicodemus falls, Miss Duncan also turns shambler so kjndsfkjsdfnsd

He ends up being a double agent near the end of the book, pretending to be Jane and Katherine’s ally, only to turn them over to the VILLAIN.. But then also helps them escape? A very morally questionable character and also another example of Deathless Divide saying ‘men aint shit’.

Kae: He triple crossed their asses. Triple agent mf 

→ The Fall of Nicodemus 

Kae: WHEWWWW. The fall of Nicodemus was something else. I knew it was going to happen, but damn, it was bad. So, we have bitchboy Gideon, who Jane has taken a bit of a liking to. And he wants her to convince the rest of the town to get a ‘Shambler Vaccine’ to protect them. She refuses because she has no idea if the vaccine really works. At least, not yet she does. So at some point, Gideon convinces all the people of Nicodemus to get vaccinated. But he vaccinates all of the original inhabitants of Nicodemus first, then the assholes from Summerland. But the thing is, he runs out of vaccines by the time he has to vaccinate the Summerland folk, and they’re being PISSY about it like “waaaaa, you vaccinated all the black folks before us, WAAA IM A FUCKIN BABY” so he hurries and makes a quick vaccine. Well, THIS QUICK BATCH TURNS THE FOLKS OF SUMMERLAND INTO ZOMBIES. THIS DUMBASS BITCHASS GIDEON TURNS THE DAMN PEOPLE. So he and Miss Duncan stuff them all in a barn or whatever, then DESTROYYYYYY the fence/wall in the back of the town to try to lead them out. Redfern helps too, I think. And then shit. Gets. Real. The machine gun they had isn’t holding them off and some damn zombies done came around the back entrance they created by destroying the fence, and they start CHOMPIN. 

Geena: AS KAE SAID… GIDEON AND DUMBITCH CO. MADE A WHOLE BACKDOOR FOR THE ZOMBIES IN AN ATTEMPT TO COVER UP HIS OWN MISTAKE… Reading about the fall was really sad, because this group of well meaning people WHO BTW AREN’T WHITE, that established a community where black and indigenous folk can find SOME SEMBLANCE of justice is overrun by zombies bc of a bitchass white boy’s hubris. So, the zombies get through the backdoor and as Jane and Katherine are slicing and dicing they stumble onto the group they traveled with.. Who also turned.. And Jane has to kill that little baby boy because he too, got turned into a zombie… Also, during the fall of Nicodemus Jane gets bit :( and separates from Katherine and Co. to die alone at the sheriff’s office… But then she doesn't… because back in book 1 when Gideon gave her a vaccine… it worked. So, Jane wakes up to Gideon… the last person she wants to see… who is basically gloating about his vaccine working and he’s making excuses for himself? Callie (a new friend) tries to kill Gideon, but he escapes and she ends up helping Jane instead… where Jane loses her arm :( 

Literally, a White Man’s ego can destroy a whole town built on the blood and sweat of freed slaves and indigenous people, JUST BECAUSE he thinks he knows better… 

Kae: So like, when Jane wakes up, she threatens to kill Gideon, even though she’s sick and basically puking the zombie virus out of her. While Gideon is gloating, Callie (Jane’s friend and future girlfriend) shoots towards Gideon, but misses. She then cuts off Jane’s bitten arm. The two of them spend a bit of time in the fallen Nicodemus, looking at all of the zombiefied townspeople and healing so they can leave. They both want to track down Gideon and KILL HIS ASS. Which I support. And now we venture into PART 2 OF THE BOOK BAYBEEEEE. 

The Ugly

→ Gideon

Kae: WE’RE GOING TO OFFICIALLY TALK ABOUT BITCHASS, SKANK-ASS GIDEON. Dawg, when I tell you I HAAATED this man, I mean it. I have never wanted a character to die more than I wanted Gideon to parish. This man caused the fall of not one, but MULTIPLE TOWNS AND THE WHOLE DAMN CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO. 

After the fall of Nicodemus, Jane and Callie set out to track down Gideon. On their tracking adventures, Jane becomes a bounty hunter in order to make money so she can continue on her search for Gideon. Jane is like, a hundred times more badass now. She’s a one armed, zombie slaying, bounty hunter that kills people who have done immense wrong to others. She and Callie learn through their travels that Gideon escaped safely and went on to get funded by some rich folk. In Gideon’s own escapades, he has caused the fall of another small town. And guess how he did that? This IDIOT vaccinated another town and they all turned ‘Shambler’ (zombie). Then he fucks off and escapes so he can’t get in trouble. Jane and Callie make it to California, where Jane hopes to reunite with her mother. There, she kills a man, which pisses Callie off. So while they’re shacked up in a hotel, Callie leaves while Jane is sleeping. And Callie’s punk ass takes all of Jane’s money with her, leaving Jane without anything but the clothes on her back. 

Geena: We don’t stan Callie in this house. If she loved Jane that much she would’ve left her SOME money wtf

Kae: TRUE. SO FUCK, CALLIE. LIL BIIIEEETCH. But yeah, Callie dips tf out and leaves Jane with nothing. Callie DID give Jane the option to come with her and start a new life, but Jane is kind of being fueled by her revenge and it’s blinded her. I feel bad too because Jane is also being haunted by Redjack’s ghost. So there’s that. 

Geena: Gideon the perfect example why ~intellectual~ men don’t deserve ANY rights. He’s so obsessed with his own research and bullshit, he thinks that no one knows what’s best for humanity other than him, that he brings about death and destruction wherever he goes. He’s the reason Nicodemus falls, he’s also the reason that the West Coast (which is seen as shambler free because it’s protected by mountains) also falls… BECAUSE THIS BITCH CAUSES ANOTHER SHAMBLER OUTBREAK with a faulty vaccine. When Jane and Callie decided to hunt him down I was like LIVING!!! LIKE KILL THAT WHITE BOY!! Who cares for nothing other than being successful… Also, the fact that every boy Jane has thought to be cute was trash is killing me… Girl… needs better taste HONESTLY…

Also, while trying to make himself look like a Sad Boy he forcefully injects his vaccine into Katherine… WHICH ALMOST KILLS HER, but SIIIKKEE because Katherine ends up killing him instead 😎 I personally wanted his death to be WORSE and more PAINFUL for all the shit he’s done but Justina Ireland kept it SHORT and Sweet. 

The Good

→ Jane and Katherine

Geena: THE ONE… THE ONE GOOD THING THAT CAME OUT OF THIS DUOLOGY… JANE AND KATHERIN’S FRIENDSHIP… LITERAL RIDE OR DIES... BC JANE TECHNICALLY DIES AT ONE POINT LMAO

Like Kae mentioned earlier, Katherine has fully accepted Jane as a friend by the time they get to Nicodemus, but Jane is still unsure (kinda thinks she isn’t a friend type of person). Katherin reaffirms that she will be there for Jane, but Jane is like Sideyes… But, as the story progresses, after Jane “dies” Katherine spends the rest of the novel constantly thinking of Jane and wishing she had said more.  ALL THE WHILE JANE is killing her way to the West Coast.

When they do meet though it kinda hurt because Jane is essentially like ‘Sorry, the old Jane can’t come to the phone right now... because she’s dead’ and Katherine is like ?????????. Jane believes herself to be a monster, because um… she’s just been bounty hunting bad people and because she’s driven by her rage against Gideon - IMO I don’t think that would’ve made her heartless or a monster, but Callie reiterates that she doesn’t like Jane like that (as a killer)… obviously, her resolve was weaker than Jane’s but n e ways. Katherine is also like ‘omg Jane killed that dude without remorse’ (Jane kills a r*pist in front of her, but Katherine doesn’t know what he did). REGARDLESS, uNLIKE SOMEONE (Callie) Katherine doesn’t give up on Jane and accompanies her wherever Jane goes because she knows she can bring back the old Jane and… when I tell you a bitch was emotional :’) AND ALSO THE ENDING WAS BEAUTIFUL though bittersweet

Kae: Okay, let me just say, from the bottom of my heart, that I absolutely adore Jane and Katherine’s friendship. Jane thinks it was built on their shared experience of being kidnapped, but in reality, it was built on their respect for each other. When Kate first saw Jane, she was SHOOK. And Jane was like ‘oh fuck, be cool. Act like you don’t care.’ and so that happened, as Geena explained above. But Katherine stuck around because that’s her best friend and you never give up on your best friend when they’re going through something. 

Jane continues to be a meanass to Kate, but Katherine ignores it to the best of her ability and pulls her knickers up and keeps by Jane’s side. In this, Katherine notices that Jane calls her by her full name instead of just “Kate”, which was something Jane always did because she knew it annoyed Katherine. So when Jane starts to let down her guard, she slips up and calls her “Kate” and this takes Katherine to the moon! She’s so excited to see her Jane coming back! But Jane is like “whoops, I'm showing feelings. Can’t let that shit happen” and she hunkers back down. 

While Jane was off being dead and bounty hunting, Katherine was on a boat (but I don’t remember doing what) with Lily and Sue (Sue is from Miss Prestons and Nicodemus) and her new friend, a man named Carolina. When they get to California, they realize that it’s not as black friendly as they’d hoped, but it’s presumably safe so that’s what matters. Katherine here’s that San Francisco might offer them a better life, so she and her gang make the trip to get there. That’s when they run into Jane and all the above happens. 

One of my favourite parts is Carolina not liking Jane because his first introduction is killing a man without hesitation. But Katherine is like “Pfffft, oh that’s just Jane! It’s FINE!” all the while internally she’s like ‘omgomgomg wtf’. And that’s when Katherine agrees to help Jane kill Gidon and also find her mother. 

In the end, they kill Gideon’s horrible ass and end up finding Jane’s mother safe and sound in a small settlement in the mountains called New Haven. Jane’s mother is happy to see Jane, but is totally dismissive of Jane's experience and all she had to do to get to her mother again. I felt really bad for Jane because she did EVERYTHING to get back to her mother and her mom was a DICK. Anyway, Jane leaves with Redfern so they can find a new place (as reluctant homies, not as a couple) and Katherine is like “AYO, YOU JUST GONE LEAVE ME WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE, BITCH? I SAID I’M YOUR BEST FRIEND SO WHERE WE GOIN!?” And then all three of them prance off into the sunset with a new goal of finding a better life and man, a bitch (aka me and Geena) were CRYIIIIING because it was so sweet and we just love two best friends who are down for one another.  

Geena: YEEEEEEESSSSSSS, the ending was bittersweet because like Kae mentioned, Jane had been searching for her mother and her Aunt Aggie hoping to find comfort in their arms. But.. when she got to New Haven, the old life she had been desperately longing for was no longer there. Aunt Aggie was dead and her mother had remarried, and like Kae said, she ignored everything Jane had been through- not wanting to share in her daughter’s sorrows. Jane quickly realized that this wasn’t the place for her, and up and leaves, and this is where the sweetness comes in because the whole scene of Katherine running after Jane 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 Like I had been so scared Justina Ireland wouldn’t give them a happy ending, because how can a zombie story end happily, but this was A LOT better than what I had expected… a bitch (Kae and I SDJKFNSD) teared up.. Just wanna thank Kae for hyping up this sequel before I read it because wow… IT REALLY LIVED UP TO THE HYPE 

Conclusion

Geena: Like I said before, this is one of the best sequels I’ve read. Usually, books end up falling flat when you get to the second but Justina Ireland didn’t fall into the same trap. We finally get Katherine’s POV and get to learn why she insists on wearing a corset, and that she’s not as perfect as Jane believed. There’s heart-stopping action and Jane kicking major ass and truly being The Devil’s Bride. Overall, once I finished this I was like Head Empty because I couldn’t read anything afterwards because I had to take time to digest the wild ride the book had been. Also, one of the biggest takeaways (other than ‘white ppl ain’t shit’) was ‘Men don’t deserve rights’ and honestly? Same.  

Kae: So there we have it! The story ended beautifully and I really, really enjoyed it. I still haven’t been able to read anything after finishing it because it was just THAT GOOD. It’s been about a month since I finished it and I’m still reeling from how beautifully written it was. It was really refreshing to read about two black women who had FEELINGS and were able to express them to the reader (because they had a hard time expressing them to each other lmao) and it was just really nice. Katherine’s backstory was great about how she was born in a brothel house and her mother tried to teach her that if she found the right man, she’d be fine. But Katherine didn’t want that. She wanted a life where she could provide for herself and be independent. What she brought with her from her old life was her corset and she wore because she basically felt it would hold her together and suppress her anxiety. 

Geena: Also, reading about the corset again can I say one of my fave details was Sue helping Katherine loosen it whenever they were in a fight… like the moment Jane disappeared Sue was there to help Katherine and support her …. Sue… the most underrated character AND THE FACT SHE GOT HER HAPPY ENDING MARRIED TO A MANS!!!!  

Kae: Jane learned, unfortunately, that not all things are golden. Her old life that she so desperately wanted a taste of, had gone sour. Her mother was no help to Jane and couldn’t even give her the smallest of sympathies. Those two things were initially what kept Jane going (along with her Aunt Aggie), until Gideon showed up and started doing dumb shit. What Jane also learned though, was that people do care about her and even though Katherine wasn’t blood, she was her family and truly loved Jane for who she was, flaws and all. 

It’s a beautiful story about two black women finding themselves and forming an unbreakable friendship. It’s more than fighting zombies and more than surviving. It’s about LIVING and finding a way to deal with all of the problems and anxieties they face along the way. It's a great story and I urge everyone to read it. Yes, it’s fictional history about zombies. BUT, it is very telling of the time period it takes place in and Justina didn’t sugar coat any of the prejudices Black people and Indigenous peoples went through back then and I appreciated that. Deathless Divide is beautiful and poetic and heartwarming in the best of way. <3