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cyeli-no · 2 years ago

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Idea: What Scares Cyno [Cyno & Kaveh]

Summary: Kaveh wants Cyno to openly be scared because that means he can finally rely on someone else and not over-exert himself. The first time Cyno shows his fear, it is with Kaveh and Kaveh is way out of his depth. He can't help Cyno as he watches his friend get dragged back to the Temple of Silence to be experimented on. It takes a month to find him, but he returns back a shell of his former self. He dissociates constantly, protecting himself from sudden noises or movement. He functions in fear, and Kaveh has to watch as his wish is granted in the worst possible way. As Cyno starts the path to healing (which is difficult and ugly and slow and it is incredibly frustrating and tiring), Kaveh struggles with his own guilt. His survivors guilt morphs to be an overwhelming feeling as if he is the cause for Cyno's suffering and he knows Cyno will never return to the person he was before.

The idea of Cyno getting captured for a friend is similar to my Cyno and Al-Haitham post, but their different reactions make me feel justified.

Relationships: Cyno & Kaveh (romantic/platonic), all Cyno friendships (background)

Trigger Warning: Human experimentation (non-explicit), drugging (non-explicit), torture (non-explicit)

─── ⋅ ⋅ ∘ ☽ ༓ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅ ───

Kaveh has never seen Cyno scared before, but he understands Cyno is not above feeling it at all. He knows Cyno's happiness and excitement more than he knows his anger and resentment. For all the rumors that curse the General Mahamatra as a monster, Kaveh found a friend who feels with his whole heart without expressing it.

He knows Cyno does not show his terror, is more used to be the cause of it, but he tries. He wishes that one day, he will feel safe enough amongst friends to tell them, "This scares me." It is a stupid thing to hope for, maybe even as cruel as Al-Haitham claims it to be, but Kaveh doesn't care.

Cyno is never afraid because being afraid is useless. He has a responsibility that he alone carries the weight of. If he afraid, no one will finish the job and he cannot afford that. Kaveh knows, so he prays for Cyno to have allies he call fall back on. Trustworthy people that he can turn to if he cannot finish a job. But, he understands thar Cyno would never turn his back on his duty that easily. He doesn't just pass his work to others, no matter what.

It was stupid, a drunken mistake. He lives with the displeased and annoyed judgement from Tighnari and knows he has no one to blame. It was always a passive thought, he never meant to tell Cyno about it. (He feels guilty enough without Al-Haitham reminding him, "You told our General that you were worried about his emotional stability." "I worded it badly!")

It isn't until a few weeks after apologizing and explaining what he actually meant (It was a long conversation and Cyno mostly sat and listened, like he always does. It makes his heart ache, how easily Cyno understood Kaveh's explanation. He was a mess and his sentences were barely coherent, and Cyno still accepted it without malice.) that Kaveh regrets ever hoping for Cyno's fear.

He hadn't realized how terrifying it would be to be with him as he stops fighting. They are both in a dangerous position, Cyno's blood already soaking into the sand and Kaveh entire body being flattened against the floor. The cloaked men speak in a language he doesn't understand, but Cyno clearly does. He reacts right away, body tensing at each word and face draining of color. He watches as Cyno faces him, uncertainty straining his expression for the first time, and his heart drops. He wanted to be Cyno's support, but is left helpless when he searches for it. His panic must've been clear on his face because Cyno's body steels itself again and he walks towards the source of his terror without hesitation.

A trade-off; Cyno returns to the source of his nightmares and a hell for childhood for Kaveh's freedom and life. No matter how much Kaveh screams, he can't stop it. He will never be able to forget the expression on his friend's face, will never shake the burden of guilt for being the reason another loved one will die, and will never forgive himself for being so weak that Cyno felt the need to comfort him moments before being dragged away. "I am stronger than I was before," he promised, "I will survive." (Words have always been important to Cyno, never the type to lie. So, it doesn't slip past Kaveh that Cyno will survive because he knows he will not be fine.)

When he is found, he has lost the tears and cries for a man lost in the desert. He is alive, but at what cost? He is brought back to be taken care of, but he demands they begin the search first. He is lightheaded, can barely walk, but he promises to answer every question as long as they find Cyno. Kaveh really can't be blamed for how he blabbers on their way back to the Akademiya, telling the disgruntled Al-Haitham about it all in vivid detail. He talks about Cyno's fear, the haunting memory of the General Mahamatra stumbling to stand and his eyes glossing over as the cloaked men drew closer. He whispers his own fears, fears that Cyno may be gone forever, and he pleads for Al-Haitham to go after him.

The issue is that they have no leads. Cyno's childhood is a mystery, even Cyrus does not know the full details despite raising him. Without information, all they have are allies.

From Kaveh's POV, he is just feeling overwhelming survivor's guilt and all of Cyno's friends trying their best and failing to find Cyno just makes it worse.

Dehya is the first to join the search. Her anger is relentless, sometimes casting Kaveh a furious look when she thinks he doesn't notice. He understands, he is not friends with her and the person who is remains trapped in a place they can't reach. Sometimes, it is at the General for being a fool who didn't bring anyone reliable with him into the desert. ("Someone who knows the desert, someone who would have his back!" Kaveh doesn't mean to hear that, but he does.) Candace offers as many supplies as she can to anyone who passed through her village in pursuit of Cyno. It is usually Dehya, sometimes it is Al-Haitham or Kaveh himself. She offers comfort, but it feels out of place when Kaveh can see her worry in the way her shoulders sag at news of failure. She doesn't blame Kaveh, even tried to talk him out of feeling it for himself, and he feels the familiar guilt building. She offers him comfort and he can't provide her any. ("All that matters is his safe return." She tells them during their first visit, the tired plea, "Al-Haitham, bring him back.") Tighnari can't traverse the desert well, but he will go whenever the weather permits. He would've aided in the search, but Al-Haitham denied him right away. "You have a child under your care, and we do not have time to waste to find you if you realize the sun is too bright." It is cruel and an argument does break because of it. Kaveh doesn't dare interject, just listening to the two snap back about the best course of action to save their mutual friend. Another fight breaks after a few weeks, Tighnari swearing he will go look for Cyno regardless of what he says. ("You've made no progress!" He doesn't mean for it to hurt, and maybe that's why it does even more, "Honestly, you wouldn't be able to catch me if you tried!") Collei is strictly not involved in the search. So, instead, she makes food for people who drop by to talk to Tighnari about Cyno. She sends them off with supplies and food, enough to last until Aaru Village and more rations in case. She sends letters to Candace for updates, but neither can afford to exchange too much information in case someone intercepts them. Still, it helps put her at ease to have someone she can always talk to while Tighnari is gone. (Sometimes, when everyone is busy in their hunt, she makes tahchin. She leaves it on the table and tells Kaveh, "If he comes home, he'll probably be very hungry.") It takes three weeks before finding the lead that will take them straight to Cyno. Nilou is out of her element the entire time because there is nothing she can do to help. That is until she hears some people at one of her dances. Some adventurers returned from the desert with whispers of a man who appears similar to the General. Apparently, he was seen walking into some temple ruins deep into the desert, somewhere Tighnari and Dehya searched a few weeks prior. She instantly sends word out to Nahida and Al-Haitham, which is how Kaveh finds out. (He is the first to see her, to talk to her, as she smiles, "At least, now, we have something.") Nahida is fast to demand action, to call Dehya back and to send her and Kaveh to the temple. Tighnari and Al-Haitham are to visit some of the nearby ruins to see if there is any lingering information there. Nilou insists on going with Dehya in case they miss anything. As Kaveh follows them into the temple, the feeling of uselessness drains his energy. The duo are already friends and have worked well together before. Him? He is barely on good terms with Nilou and Dehya seems to still have lingering tensions.

From Cyno's POV, he suffers the entire time. They are doing tests on him, trying to separate Hermanubis from his body and move it to a different vessel, one who did not turn their back on the desert and its pantheon. The people from the Temple of Silence realize that without his vision, he is much more compliant. Hermanubis wants to protect Cyno, but his body is too weak to properly house it. Not wanting to kill him, the priests do give him days of reprieve to heal. Around the third week, when Cyno's body has enough energy to be possessed, Hermanubis tries to escape. They manage to get out (which is when the adventurers saw him), but it overestimated its vessel. He is dragged back, trapped for four more days before he is rescued.

Al-Haitham manages to retrieve his vision easily and they all end up escorting Cyno back. It is supposed to be a happy ending, Kaveh believes. He thinks, the entire ride back, that at least Cyno is home. He is home and he is safe and everything will be better—

He watches Cyno fall apart. They try to connect him to an IV because he is severely malnourished and dehydrated, and Hermanubis instantly takes over. Nahida needs to drag him into a dream-filled slumber before they are able to start to take care of him.

Even when he wakes up, he seems to be in comatose. He doesn't respond to anyone, barely even looks up from where his arm is connected to machines. When Collei sees him, her entire body stiffens and she has to rush out of the room. The intense pain of being sealed away aches more. (Tighnari suspects it's because of something the Temple of Silence did, but Collei doesn't care. It feels as if all the progress she made was useless because some people could not afford to leave Cyno alone. She cries bitter and angry tears, ones that Dehya sits her through because no one else seems to understand them as much. Kaveh catches the sight on accident, but it won't leave his mind.) The worst part is how Cyno doesn't even react. He watches her run out as if it is a stranger.

Whenever the doctors try to work on him, it is as if his mind leaves his body completely. His eyes turn glassy, seeing something no one else does, and he remains stiff the entire time. He relaxes when told, stiffens when they draw closer, and it is a horrendous cycle of forcing his body to ease up in a way that clearly makes him uncomfortable. His friends try to offer support, but none of them are really able to get through to him. No one except for Kaveh.

The anesthesia is doing its job, pulling Cyno back into darkness, and the General can barely hold back a shudder. His eyes narrow, struggling to focus on the blonde. His voice is hoarse and his throat burns from disuse. It takes less than a second for the man to fly to his bedside.

He doesn't even need to ask before Cyno admits it all, loose lipped. There is shame that crawls up his veins as he trembles from something that is supposed to be bringing him comfort. It is cruel for them to ask when he is so vulnerable, when he is closer to asleep. ("It's necessary to ensure he is taken care of." Al-Haitham says, but Kaveh doesn't know how Cyno will react if he finds out they betrayed him in such a way. Would Cyno even consider it a betrayal?)

So they get some details about it all. Mostly, it comes in the form of how Cyno could not control his body at all. He was drugged to the point where he could see them cutting through him without feeling it. He watched them every movement and his body refused to obey his commands. ("I should've been able to escape." He goes silent after, insistent of that one fact.) And, the more he talks, the more Kaveh sees shadows of the fear-filled expression from all those weeks ago.

He can see it so clearly in the way Cyno bites his tongue now, how he instinctively moves further away from doctors and always inches towards the door. He sees how Cyno's body will freeze at anyone's touch and his mind and body shuts down quickly, always trying to protect itself from everyone. He watches his friend cower away and all he can remember is all those months ago, when he told Cyno he hoped for this.

(Not like this, he tries to convince himself, I didn't mean it like this. I wanted Cyno to feel safe enough with us to not force himself to be strong. I didn't want this—)

It's cruel how Celestia ended up granting his wish and how it won't answer Kaveh's new plea.

#cyno #cyno angst #kaveh #cyno and kaveh #kavehno #general maha-martyr #fic idea

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my-darling-boy · 4 years ago

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Genuinely asking, isn't self-diagnose with a condition kind of dangerous? Because legitimizing self-diagnosing opens a door to many malicious people who would want to exploit the fact they can self-diagnose? And in turn, make the space of autistic people worse?

Was going to skip this, but I’m writing a LONG response because I’m VERY exhausted with the amount of misinformation I see on this “self dx is dangerous” take, so buckle up and allow me to info dump.

Recently, authentic_autism_advocacy, an Instagram account run by a supposed medically diagnosed autistic woman was discovered to be a non-autistic woman, Connie Manning, posing as a medically diagnosed autistic person to spread hate and anti-self diagnosing speech. In reality, she is a neurotypical mother who regularly uses her autistic son for clout; she also turned out to have a hand behind CalmWear, a brand of sensory compression products designed for disabled people. Not only had she been spewing hatred towards other autistic people, she had been accusing well known AFAB autistic tiktokers like beckspectrum of faking being autistic and threatening self diagnosed autistics and saying they are a danger to the community, and engaging in other incredibly discriminating behaviour. Yes, she herself was a neurotypical person posing as a medically diagnosed autistic to perpetuate hateful rhetoric about self diagnosed people and used her voice to speak OVER autistic folk for financial gain and exploitation of autistic people, including her own son. If you want to read this roller coaster of a story, an autistic person wrote an entire article on it with tons of screenshots and sources.

So let me make one thing clear to you.

The purpose of actually, genuinely self diagnosing is not done to attract attention or to parade around and exploit other autistic people. Self diagnosed autistic individuals have recognised due to difficult life circumstances, financial hardship, bigotry and stigma within the medical/legal world, being a minor, lack of insurance, lack of proper access to safe care facilities, being denied assessment due to incompetent or biased practitioners, and/or any other obstacle that they may temporarily or permanently be barred from diagnosis. Self diagnosis does NOT instantly mean a person is posing for clout, nor does it indicate a person is trying to wring money from assistance services or exploit other autistics. And nts who use self diagnose with intentions of harming the community? That’s NOT self diagnosis, that’s abuse of something meant to aid people blocked from medical care or financial means to that care. All we can do for autistic people, no matter who we perceive them to be, is treat them the same way we would any other autistic person. Because the moment you start deciding by your own book who deserves respect and who doesn’t, you’ll be on a slippery slope to locking out thousands of autistic people from the community. If it’s discovered a person like Connie is literally abusing the system of self dx to intentionally mislead the community, by all means, we must hold them accountable. But you cannot simply go about granting and revoking access from people just because someone lacks a diagnosis or doesn’t fit your idea of what being autistic looks like, especially if it’s based on stereotypes.

Moral of the story? Isn’t it ironic how anti-self dx people will 100% believe a user who claims to be medically diagnosed but shows no “written proof” of it, yet always demand written proof from a self dx person? It’s almost like even anti-self dx people can’t tell the difference between someone who is medically diagnosed autistic and someone who isn’t. Well, that’s because they can’t. While there might be common traits, autism has no set model, it is a spectrum, no autistic person is alike; Policing self diagnosed people about their self diagnosis isn’t a form of protecting the community. It’s a form of gatekeeping. If you find yourself granting instant acceptance, without asking for proof, to a person insisting they are medically diagnosed like this neurotyical mother, but then prohibit self dx people from entry entirely on the grounds of not showing proof of medical assessment, you are upholding a double standard. This is why policing autistic people’s diagnosis, self or not, is inherently useless.

So here’s the thing... instead of asking people to stop self diagnosing, what you should instead be asking yourself is, “Why do people self diagnose? What kind of medical system could possibly be in place where people feel they need to resort to self diagnosis rather than get an actual diagnosis?”

Well, it’s mainly common knowledge among most of the autistic community that diagnosis is NOT easy to come by.

One of the main reasons why people cannot get a diagnosis is due to financial/insurance reasons. It’s reasonable to estimate that by the end of 2020 almost 30 million Americans alone were without health insurance. I’ve heard costs out of pocket for an autism diagnosis are between $500-$6000. If a person or a family cannot afford health insurance—which by the way on average is around $5,400 a year for a single person and $13,800 for a family here—where are they supposed to pull out $6,000 to get screened?

You might be asking, “Well aren’t insurances supposed to cover disability?” Sure, there are options for disability care through health insurance—not even going to get into that—but like a lot of things in the US, this is a severely flawed system. A lot of private health insurance will stop or limit coverage for an autism diagnosis or assistance services once a person reaches 18 to 21 years old. In most states, coverage has a higher chance of being denied to autistic adults coming with the added age cap or ONLY covering ABA, an abusive, manipulative “therapy” used to force social compliance and trait suppression on autistic people. The fact that ABA, a conversion therapy, is covered, but little else, shows exactly what insurance companies think of autistic people: they’ll only cover us if we want to learn to be “normal”. This can leave many undiagnosed autistic adults who cannot afford analysis, insurance, or safe assistance services with nowhere to turn. If I was not on my parents’ insurance, there is NO WAY I would EVER be able to afford a diagnosis. I don’t have $2,000 lying around. The MONEY ALONE would prohibit me from getting a diagnosis, no matter how many autistic traits I presented.

When I was going through this system years ago to start a diagnosis, I was shocked to find no therapist within three hours of me was accepting adult patients. “Up to 18 only” their websites would say. And in the event I had found one (1) that accepted me as a then 20 year old with X insurance, and that person refused me diagnosis, I would be out of options unless I planned a 5 hour drive which may have also led me to another biased screener. A person seeking self financed assessment can waste thousands of dollars therapist hopping.

People will say, “Well I live in X place, and where I come from, it’s covered!” Well the reality is that everyone in the world does not live where you live. It’s not realistic to assume everyone is in the same position as you or your family to afford care or access the same resources as you. When you say, “Just go out and get a diagnosis! It’s not that hard!”, understand you are speaking from your personal vantage point where screening may be easily accessed or easily covered/is free OR you have no personal knowledge of what that process is like yourself.

The second thing that bars a ton of people from being diagnosed is the fact that when autism was first discovered, its research was HEAVILY centered on white, cis, heterosexual men. The idea that autistic people are ONLY cis, white, heterosexual men carries on to this day. If you are an outlier to this stereotype, your chances of being misdiagnosed with something else or refused diagnosis skyrocket because so-called “professionals” don’t know how to observe traits in any other person besides a cis, white, heterosexual man, and refuse/fail to recognise the endless ways in which a person can be autistic. ALL the time I hear how AFAB people will go in to get screened only to find out their screener does not believe AFAB people can be autistic, because yes, sexism and anti-lgbtq+ ideas play a huge role in the incredibly outdated diagnostic process, because autism is still believed to be an “AMAB only” thing. People report going into a therapists office and being asked questions like, “Do you like going outside? Do you like having friends?” and being told that if you agree with either of these, you cannot be autistic because criteria at some places is so backwards, you can’t even say you enjoy conversation without failing the test. Other things commonly heard during the analysis are screeners telling someone they are too smart/articulate to be autistic, gas lighting them by saying they are mistaking their symptoms for something else/making them up, telling a person they seem normal, dismissing clear autistic traits by saying they’re unique “superpowers”, or intentionally misdiagnosing a person as ADHD INSTEAD of autistic. People on social media have also pointed out what influences racism has on the diagnostic process as well and how lack of research and understanding of autistic POC contributes to under-diagnosis and stigma has only contributed to refusal of care and under-representation of POC in the disabled community, as one autistic Black woman points out on Instagram, “I found excellent articles that support and validate my feelings and experiences, but I could find no research on autistic Black people.” Additionally, because research has primarily been done on young men, this means anyone who is not a cis man and is over the age of 18 and is seeking a diagnosis has a much higher chance of not receiving one because screeners don’t understand how autistic traits may present differently in adults, especially since adults are very likely to mask. Some autism screeners are so against autism they have told clients they would only diagnosis a person autistic if it was their last resort to avoid “placing a burden on their shoulders”. These reasons are largely responsible for why autism is incredibly mis/under-diagnosed. This ask would be the length of a novel if I included every single type of discrimination and mistreatment during the evaluation process alone, but understand it can be incredibly biased, sexist, transphobic, racist, or just flat out ableist. And guess what? Though this process can take as little as a month to get sorted, that is rare. The assessment SHOULD be very short. But a lot of autistic people have reported their diagnosis took more than 2-4 years because of having to waste time, energy, and money hopping from therapist to therapist looking for someone to take them seriously, as many autistic people compiled on the actuallyautistictiktoks page on Instagram point out.

The last thing I want to touch on is this idea that people have that self diagnosing is dangerous. “What if someone self diagnoses and they take advantage of services that are meant for autistic people?” ...The Big Things you think I am going to take advantage of as a self diagnosed autistic person, like scholarship money for instance or SSDI, I do not have legal access to without a formal diagnosis. I cannot waltz into a law firm and ask for a $5,000 scholarship for autistic people without a diagnosis, because they WILL NOT give it to me!

Let me tell you some of things I’ve “cruelly taken advantage of” as a self diagnosed autistic person. I bought glasses with blue light protection, because screen and fluorescent lighting at work and even natural blue toned light from the sky lowers my threshold for some sensory input like noise and social interaction; wearing them to work everyday has improved my sensory thresholds incredibly. I’ve talked to my manager and told him I’m autistic and that I have a hard time understanding vague direction and may need to step away briefly on occasion to tend to a shutdown before a meltdown comes on at work; he had no problem with this. I use subtitles; sometimes I have trouble processing audio or reading facial expressions and tone, and being able to see the words displayed on the screen gives me a significantly better understanding of what I watch. All my life, I have been having meltdowns which I had mistaken for mental breakdowns or panic attacks and having access to resources that walked me through preventative methods and tips on what to do if I have one has been ENORMOUSLY helpful to me. All my life, I was trying to deal with them thinking they were something else; becoming aware of this and accepting that they are in fact autistic meltdowns has helped me not only go through them, but has helped me redirect stims which at their worst previously had me hitting and clawing my arms, slapping my face, and even hitting my head. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to wait 4 years for a diagnosis to use resources I could be using to make my life more accessible right now!

People will say, “Oh well yeah, I don’t mean You are one of Those Types of self diagnosed autistic people, you clearly sound/look autistic, I’m talking about other people.” The thing is, there is no broad “sounding/looking autistic”, that’s stereotyping, and you can’t demand everyone who interacts with you show you their Autistic Card, because again, not everyone is able to be diagnosed, especially given the mistreatment and stigma present towards autistic people in the medical field! And what made you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “don’t seem autistic” to you? Why didn’t you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “seemed autistic” to you? By denying anyone who doesn’t have a diagnosis resources they may very well need, you are denying assistance to thousands of people who are without means to be diagnosed. And I am SO tired of seeing comments online on self diagnosis posts that “people don’t know what they’re taking about” as if they know us personally, like are you me? Are you my doctor I’ve consulted? Did you watch me academically research and consult with other autistic people about being autistic for over 3 years? I’m tired of “well, one time a self diagnosed person laughed at my actually autistic diagnosed friend...so all self dx people are evil” because there is ZERO correlation between a person being self assessed and their behavior towards a non self assessed person. The fact both those arguments are in use whenever self dx comes up is yet another form of gatekeeping.

Self diagnosing autism is not begging for attention or Evil Criminal Money Funneling Schemes. It is a result of a deeply flawed medical and insurance system that has failed to give proper attention and care to those who need it, it is a result of resources not made available, of safe support systems not there for kids and adults alike. You want to talk about what’s truly dangerous? How the hate group Autism Speaks has been parading itself around since 2005 as an advocacy group for autistic people and has been misusing millions of dollars worth of donation money and promoting stigma and hatred around autistic people; no autistic members are present on their board. How Sia and her new film Music was nominated for 2 Golden Globes despite it replacing the original autistic actor with a neurotypical actor, using offensive stereotypes, and using the main autistic character as a prop, and featured an extremely dangerous bodily restraint scene on an autistic person having a meltdown in public and featured very insensitive content due to Sia’s lack of consulting with autistic people to make the film (spoilers in that article).

Instead of policing autistic people, whether they fit your idea of what an autistic person is or not, redirect your efforts and your energy to dismantling systems and holding others accountable for perpetuating harmful stereotypes about autistic people that are legitimately dangerous on such a scale that they have created insurmountable damage to the autistic community. But I guarantee you, worrying over whether your classmate is “faking it” will not do any justice to the decades worth of discrimination autistic people face still today.

I understand. You care about the community, you don’t want autistic people to be exploited or taken advantage of. I don’t want to be exploited and taken advantage of as an autistic person, and I don’t want that for others! But I also understand that when we self proclaim ourselves as judges of random autistic strangers on the internet or start accusing people of faking or demanding to see medical paperwork from people when the basis of our suspicions is “this person doesn’t look like my stereotyped view on how I think an autistic person should act”, THAT is when you really run into trouble. Because if you are allowed to deny self dx people entrance into the autistic community, what’s stopping you from thinking you have the power to deny ANYONE entrance into that community?

And there is power in self diagnosis for many autistic people. When the evaluation system is literally rigged to set you up for failure and put you through unnecessary hardship, self dx is a self affirming, empowering tool to take back control from a process designed to gaslight and crush you. The evaluation process was NOT formulated by an autistic person, nor was it made to be inclusive of all autistic people. Until the evaluation system in place for autistic people is safe, accessible, and free to ALL, you have EVERY right to self diagnose.

#like this isn’t even half of what I want to say #but I’m gonna stop cos this is So Long #no clowns in my inbox pls #long post #ableism #autism #actually autistic #ok to rb

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blueburds · 4 years ago

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Companion: Altrethir Valran - a continuation

First off i’m so glad yall have enjoyed that follower meme <3 second, i saw a few that had bonus details such as companion gifts and a character bio! figured that’d be fun to do for Altrethir. ALSO i included some random dialogue that i thought might be fun. implications of a random questline i made up are present throughout the dialogue.

original post is here. this will be an addition to that! i’ll be writing this as though he’s an Onslaught companion for a Republic character.

NAME: Altrethir (full: Lord Altrethir Valran) GENDER: Male SPECIES: Twi’lek AGE: 36 OCCUPATION: Inquisitor (Force-user) AFFILIATION: The Galactic Republic LIKES: Luxury, justice, learning of ancient artifacts. DISLIKES: Recklessness, close-mindedness, cold weather. GIFTS: Luxury(Love), Cultural(Favorite), Delicacies(Favorite), Weapon(Like), Imperial (Like).

BIO: Since his late teenage years, Altrethir possessed a strong connection to the Force. He was recruited to the Korriban Academy and trained to become a Lord of the Sith. Altrethir wholly trusted in the Force; he always had faith in its guidance. And when the Force wanted to go down a different path, he listened.

The Sith Empire’s ideals didn’t align with his own whereas the Republic would have fought for them. He defected and began to seek balance in the Force. Not Jedi, nor Sith any longer, Altrethir simply adopted the title of “Inquisitor” to suit him.

DIALOGUE CONVERSATIONS:

(First meeting)

Altrethir: “Greetings, Commander. I have heard... phenomenal things concerning your work. It is an honor to meet you in-person.”

Good to meet you, too. -- “’Phenomenal’ is certainly a way of putting it. I trust we’ll work well together.”

Altrethir: “As do I. With pleasantries aside, let us brief you on the mission.”

[Flirt] The pleasure is mine. -- “I’d love to hear exactly what you’ve heard about me. But, I think I’d also love to hear more about you.”

Altrethir: “Of course--but perhaps once the issue at hand has been settled.”

You’re Imperial? -- (Force-users): “You’re Sith--I can sense the darkness of your aura.” (Non-Force-users): “The Republic’s relying on defectors now? I don’t know if I can trust you.”

Altrethir: (To Force-users): “I have harnessed control of the Dark Side; never again shall it back me into a corner.” (To non-Force-users): “The Republic fights for freedom and justice. I want nothing more than that for my people.”

(Post-mission conversation dialogue)

Altrethir: “Reports say that the Empire’s swollen pride has taken a hard blow.” “You’ve done incredibly well--better than I could have anticipated. I never had my doubts.”

It was a hard-won victory. -- “Many innocent lives were lost. The choice was a difficult one, and not one I made lightly.”

Altrethir: “I do not blame you. Civilian casualties are inevitable in war, but minimalizing them should be a priority.”

[Flirt] It was better in-person. -- “You should’ve been there. I would have loved to see you in action.”

Altrethir: “I am a man of many talents. In this particular scenario, my non-combatant skills were needed elsewhere.”

They had it coming. -- (Republic class PC’s) “I’ve fought the Empire for years. It always feels good to hit them where it hurts most.” (Imperial class PC’s) “No one knows what it takes to wound the Empire more than I do. I hit them where it hurt most.”

Altrethir: “We mustn’t gloss over the amount of civilian damage caused by our mission. Imperial or Republic, civilians should never be caught in the cross-fire of military operations.”

(New mission dialogue)

Altrethir: “Commander.” “An opportunity to send a message to the Empire’s allies has arisen.” “Members of the Hutt Cartel have shifted their allegiance, abandoning their former Republic allies in favor of the Empire.” “Imperial-loyal Hutts have taken members who are still loyal to the Republic hostage. By launching a rescue mission, we will succeed in showing our allies that we don’t abandon our own, nor do we tolerate vicious threats the Empire makes.”

Let’s go. -- “The Hutts are powerful allies and none we can afford to lose. Where do we go from here?”

Altrethir: “Nar Shaddaa. A place you could’ve guessed yourself, hm?”

You don’t like Hutts? -- “Given what you’ve told me about your past, I don’t see you willingly putting yourself at risk to save Hutts.”

Altrethir: “This is a matter of saving useful allies of the Republic. Not about my own personal distaste.”

Leave them to rot. -- “Hutt business always goes sour. We wouldn’t lose much by letting them go.”

Altrethir: “If my calculations proved that to be the case, then I would never have brought this matter to your attention. But the Republic needs these Hutts.”

(continued) Altrethir: “I shall be joining you on this mission. I’ll present you with more details during the ride there.”

(First time on Odessen)

Altrethir: “Such a marvelous world; the Force is in balance.” “While its aura is not fiery like that of Korriban, nor is it soothing like Tython, it feels... neutral. I am content.”

Ideal for the Alliance. -- “The Eternal Alliance is made up of people from all sorts of backgrounds. Jedi, Sith, some in between--such as the defected Knights of Zakuul. Odessen’s neutrality probably helped everyone feel safer.”

Altrethir: “Indeed. The subject piques my interest. Perhaps I should do some independent research on the matter later.”

[Flirt] You want a tour? -- “The base is pretty big, but the wilds are where the real beauty and charm lie. I should show you around.”

Altrethir: “And I would not object. Your company has been ever pleasant.”

I don’t care. -- “There’s got to be something better on your mind than that.”

Altrethir: “Matters concerning the Force are always something worth thinking critically about.”

(continued) Altrethir: “I am inclined to speak to the leader of your Force Enclave: The Voss Mystic, Sana-Rae.” “If there is nothing else for now, Commander, I shall be heading on my way.”

Go ahead -- “I’ll see you around. You know the way?”

Altrethir: “I do. Farewell for now, Commander.”

[Flirt] I’d rather show you around. -- “My offer for a tour’s still open, Altrethir. You sure you don’t want just a quick look around?”

Altrethir: “Since you are quite insistent, it would be rude of me to decline. Shall I meet with you somewhere after I’ve concluded my business?”

PC: "My personal landing zone will do just fine.”

Altrethir: “Then I shall be no longer than twenty minutes.” “I will see you then.”

(Continued scene, prompted from flirting)

Altrethir: “You were right; the wilds are utterly gorgeous. While perhaps a bit warmer in temperature, I daresay they remind me of Alderaan.”

PC: “Have you been to many worlds?”

Altrethir: “I have, yes. Once my old Sith Master granted me the freedom to travel where I pleased, I abused that power.” “After being chained and enslaved for the first twenty or so years of my life, I wanted to see everything the Galaxy had to offer.”

You weren’t only a slave to the Hutts. -- “Knowing the Sith hierarchy, you traded one master for another.”

Altrethir: “I do not disagree. Still, Lord Sen’tulo--my late Sith Master--granted me a level of freedom I’d never experienced before. I was grateful for that much.”

You fought for the wrong side. -- “The Empire openly oppresses people--aliens especially. Why waste so much time with them? Why didn’t you defect sooner?”

Altrethir: “I wanted to prove that success could be achieved no matter one’s species. By becoming a Lord of the Sith, I spat in the face of those who tried to drag me down throughout my endeavor.”

Sith Master? -- “You haven’t mentioned this Master before. What were they like?”

Altrethir: “Lord Sen’tulo was an honorable woman. Rational, level-headed, logical. Stern, but held compassion. She broke several Sith stereotypes. Perhaps that was what lead to her ultimate downfall.”

(continued) Altrethir: “Freedom is important to me. I cannot bear to see innocent individuals shackled as slaves.” “I know what that cruel life is like first-hand. Initially, I sought to use my position of power in the Empire to find an end to slavery. My desire clouded my judgement.” “The only way to end the practice was to fight against it. Thus, I defected.”

A noble cause. -- “I can tell how important your ideals are to you. You did the right thing.”

Altrethir: “Who determines what is right or what is wrong is irrelevant. But--I understand your meaning. I did what I believe was right.”

Position of power? -- “Just how powerful of a Sith were you before turning to the Republic?”

Altrethir: “A Darth, but not on the Dark Council. I nearly reached the position when I had my revelation.”

The Republic’s wary. -- “The Sith are ancient enemies of the Republic and the Jedi. Do they wholly trust you?”

Altrethir: “I would imagine there are many who don’t. But the team I work with does--they are all I need to prove my loyalty.”

(continued) Altrethir: “Your hospitality has been greatly appreciated, Commander.” “Though we’ve known one another for a relatively short period of time, I speak truthfully when I say I’ve enjoyed every moment of your company. You are quite the inspiring leader.”

[Kiss] So have I. -- “And I’ve enjoyed your company.”

(post-kiss) Altrethir: “Commander, you are as charming as you are alluring.”

We should head back. -- “It’s been nice. We should be heading back, though.”

“I concur. Thank you for this time to speak with you; it has been a pleasure.”

#AND ALSO SOME ROMANCE DIALOGUE CUZ AHHH #if we can have a twi'lek wifey we should have a twi'lek hubby too thats all i'm sayin @bioware #writing stuff #swtor #swtor oc #Altrethir Valran

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crystalelemental · 4 years ago

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I have 20 minutes before I have to feed the cat and get started on these courses that finally allowed me access, so let’s take a moment to talk about my good friend Thracia 776.

I made it through Chapter 5, and got both sidequest chapters along the way. So that’s fun. I decided to play on Paragon mode, because I don’t give a shit about challenge, I’m here to try and enjoy the experience for a game whose story I actually really like.

Currently, Leif is doing pretty well, mostly seems to do great with strength and speed, but his skill is bad and I don’t think he’s gained any build so that’s fun. I think Macha’s been the most unprecedented hero so far. She’s had two 6 point levels. That’s really good. Brighton’s had mostly 1 point levels so he’s not doing so hot. Asbel seems super magic screwed, he still only has like 4 magic at level 7. Not looking forward to that long-term. Tanya actually got some fantastic levels too, including a lot of extra strength, so I’ll be doing my damnedest to get her back.

Chapters 1-3 remain pretty enjoyable. Moreso now that I understand capturing as a mechanic and how to do that effectively. A big issue before was not knowing how to set up a good capture, but now that I’m in the swing of it...I kinda like this feature? Like it’s kinda cool. Only kinda, though. And the “only kinda” part kicks in as soon as you hit Chapter 4, where everything starts breaking down, but I’ll get to that.

I’m currently playing with the Lil Munster patch, which also allows me to see the hidden skills for units. Such as Miracle+ on Eyvel, which just literally prevents her from ever dying. I did not know that was a thing, and let me tell you, everything going on with Chapter 5′s pitfighters is suddenly a lot less bullshit. Yes, you can argue all you want that it increases the tension when you don’t know it’s there, but also fuck that.

Chapter 4 is really where I think I’m going to start complaining. Which is funny because on a second playthrough? This is actually a pretty fun chapter. You know, mostly. Facilitating the escape of the civilians was pretty simple and fun, and it honestly helped out Karin the most, since she wasn’t particularly threatened by a guard holding a captive. I was also pleasantly surprised at how engaging that map managed to be in terms of just...gathering Vulneraries. Like, looking at it, I expected a disaster, but judicious use of the thieves and maybe a capture here and there actually nets you enough to equip everyone with a full vulnerary.

Until the trouble. Let me be frank: I am always one for soft resetting when a character dies, and I’m trying to break myself of that particular habit a bit. It’s not that I want to not care about characters, so much as recognizing that some characters I don’t give a shit about so why reset everyone else for them? I play a quick run of Shadow Dragon before this, and just let people die, and honestly it was a lot more engaging when you’re not resetting for stupid things. But there was one unit who causes two of the three resets, because I couldn’t afford to lose him. Julian. I couldn’t just lose the thief and that utility. Resets occur not because of character love, but because you cannot give up the utility presented.

I feel like that’s part of early Thracia’s problem. Chapters 1-3, it’s pretty easy to keep everyone alive, especially with Eyvel being actually invincible, and having three super units in Eyvel, Dagdar, and Finn. If you got the Vouge and the Brave Axe, Osian and Halvan are actually ridiculous too. But once you hit Chapter 4, things feel like they change to a level that’s a bit absurd? If you didn’t successfully set up recruitment of Dalsin, I kinda feel like Chapter 4 and 4x are just impossible. The only way to damage these armor knights are Leif’s Light Brand at range, and Dalsin’s axe. Pretty much everyone else is dealing about 2 damage, and hoping for a crit, with none of them having the B-rank swords to make use of Armorslayer. So the chokepoint strategy to the north feels decisively impossible because of how much damage you take, how little you deal in response, and how hard it is to actually break through and take out the mages when their numbers dwindle. Not to mention one less unit means you have less defense against the soldier reinforcements, and it’s that much harder to protect your thieves. Which, actually, speaking of: Thieves plural. Which requires you actually got Lithis. You probably did, his condition is super easy to achieve. But. My recollection is that the original version of this game didn’t give you little icons to tell you when people could talk to one another. So unless you just figured out that Leif can talk to Eyvel (but not the other way around, that’s too much), you’d miss the hint about “Just catch him and hold onto him.” At which point I feel it is fair to say people might release him after taking his stuff. And then you only have one thief. Which is. Not great. And slows down that prison escape significantly.

Then there’s 4x, where you really need 4 strong frontliners to block off attacks, and if you don’t have Dalsin I honestly feel like you’re just hosed, both in terms of taking too much damage, and having too few units to deal with the mages. I’m not going to say it’s impossible to deal with, but for a putz like me it feels pretty impossible without the big tank man on deck.

Then there’s the issue of capturing. Capturing only works if your build is higher than the opponent. If you have a lower build, you can’t capture anyone. Which is all well and good when you have four chunky axe bros and a cav on your side. Then you can capture just about anything, especially with Tanya and Ronan giving you some nice chip damage to set up those easy captures. But Chapter 4-5, you really don’t have many options. Brighton is consistently able to capture, but Fergus isn’t. 8 build isn’t bad, but it’s not enough to capture one of the soldiers and take their vulneraries. So if you didn’t get Dalsin, you have one guy who can consistently capture people. One. The thieves can steal, but Lara’s build is so low she basically can’t steal anything heavier than a vulnerary or door key, and she’s got 14HP so good luck leaving her in range of anything. So like. That’s fun.

Point being, some of these challenges feel distinctly impossible without save states as a result. I think the biggest offender was admittedly an optional one: the two Loptyr mages in front of the chests in Chapter 5. Man, those guys are fucked. Tremendous damage output, poison, and had an absurdly high crit rate that would one-shot anyone if it hit. I think Leif was able to deny the crits with Light Brand but I’m honestly not sure. The fact you had to deal with two of them, or risk Leif having to chip them 3 damage at a time at range, was kind of a problem. That’s the kind of thing where I don’t really know how you’re supposed to manage that, and save states feel incredibly necessary if you’re going to stand a chance. Granted, this is optional, you can escape and just leave those chests. But this isn’t the only situation I can think of where the game just plays stupid, and usually the stupid is with mages, because magic is resistance and no one has any. Except Karin, who is delightfully too weak to actually KO a mage in response. So that helps. Situations across Chapters 4-5 have been difficult, because of the presence of magical hits that can 2-shot people if they connect, and a lot of situations feel like you’re desperately hoping for a particular attack to connect so you don’t start losing people left and right. And then the attack misses anyway because 100% accuracy doesn’t exist, and whoops now you’re gone.

Despite that, I’m still enjoying this more than my first time through. Maybe it’s familiarity with the game and its mechanics, but I do feel like being able to clear Chapter 4 without screaming is a good indicator that maybe it’s not as bad as I remembered. We’ll see though, there’s much worse to come.

#personal shenanigans #thracia 776

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onedayillbeasaint · 5 years ago

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I need some advice about my college decision!

I previously attended a university in 2017-2018 and came home due to mental health issues. I’ve been attending community college for the past two years and will be finishing my associate’s degree once I finish a science course this summer. I really wanted to go to Boston University but there is no way I can afford it, even with loans. I was devastated when I got their financial aid offer; it ticked all of my boxes and I was looking forward to going. My options are now the University of New Mexico, Texas State, or my local public university. Both Texas State and UNM will cost around $3k-4k after aid (which includes $7k in federal loans) meaning that I will have to take out a private loan, because my family cannot help me pay for school. UNM offers my major, Texas State does not, but I can study a similar subject instead. I have family living in Albuquerque, and I don’t like the city that much. I’m not keen on UNM, but my family really wants me to go there. I like Texas State’s location better.

My local public university would be about $1k after I use a Pell Grant to pay for tuition. They do not offer my major; I would have to major in something else. I’d have to live at home, though my mom will be moving away once my sister graduates high school next year, at which point I will probably move in with my grandparents while I finish my degree.

I’ve wanted the romanticized, stereotypical college experience. My family thinks I’m crazy for wanting that because it doesn’t exist and I need to just get my degree. I know that not everything is as the media portrays it, but I’d like to think it’s possible to enjoy myself in college. All I’ve wanted to do for the past seven years is leave my hometown - I feel so restricted here.

Anyways, with the coronavirus, I’m assuming that schools will hold classes online again, which I don’t want to do. I have an incredibly difficult time learning online, so I thought I could defer admission for a semester or a year. I’m also planning on reapplying to some of the schools I was rejected to, and, now that I have a clearer picture of transfer financial aid, apply to schools that I know will offer me a substantial amount of aid.

I have to make a decision on my offers on June 1st - where should I be going? UNM, Texas State, or my local public school?

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buzzworddotie · 5 years ago

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A little (not quite) Anxiety Ramble

Do something! Do SOMETHING! Don’t stop doing something!

Welcome to 2020.

It won’t stop, my brain will not shut off. We’ve been in lockdown for… to be honest off the top of my head I can’t even get dates right but I’ve been in isolation mode, working from home for about 4 weeks now maybe?

On week 2, I became more lethargic than I ever have in my life, I withdrew from any contact with other people, my brain was in a fog, I couldn’t focus. My muscles were tired and refusing to function and my energy was entirely zapped.

I managed to pull myself out of that by attempting to not guilt myself for eating that bowl of carb loaded cereal or allowing myself to rationalise that it’s OK to just watch a movie.

But here I find myself in that cloudy little place again. My anxiety is in such a way that my brain refuses to shut down and my motivation is becoming a precious commodity that I’m unsure of how exactly to keep it in a steady flow.

When the anxiety kicks in like this for me, I stress and worry about every and any thing. Things entirely out of my control, other people, how I am perceived, why I am not now or have ever been good enough for anything or anyone.

My rational brain packs its bags and heads for the door as I stare in the mirror and hate everything I see looking back. My doubts, my insecurities, my shame - every dark little voice that can be mustered up gets louder and louder.

And so I overthink every action I make, I try too hard to impress a version of myself on people. I try too hard to force anyone who might give a shit that I am in fact OK! And you know there’s nothing saner than someone screaming “I’M OK!!” directly into another person's face manically.

Sleeping is the worst, or in my case not sleeping. It doesn’t matter how tired I may or may not be, I can be assured that as soon as I lay my head down that anxiety demon comes alive.

I cannot remember the last time I slept for a solid 7 - 8 hours. I can recall what it feels like to be at complete odds and ends at 4am because it’s happening every goddamn night!

Is this a symptom of what is happening in the world right now or is it just an exemplification of how screwed up I might actually be? These are the beautiful thoughts which haunt my brain in between scrolling through Twitter or Reddit, telling myself to not scroll through Twitter or Reddit and then, you know, casually reminding myself that I will never be good enough for whatever the fuck I think I should be good enough for!

I’ve always been a bit of an introverted extrovert, or am I an extroverted introvert? I’m not sure, the point is I’ve never had a problem being a bit “isolated”. I’m quite happy in my own company and just pondering about, in my own little world doing whatever silly things I decide to do with myself. However, that world of mine was always interrupted with everyday interactions - people I work with, the ability to visit someone and general activities which we just take for granted.

I’m starting to even question if I am as introverted as I liked to think I was at all! I told myself that being locked down wasn’t a big deal for me, not a massive shift in my life. I’m single, I live alone… Just a real wholesome and healthy picture there! “I’m OK!!!”

First World Problems.

One thing about me I’ve known since childhood is that I love my independence. I was told by my parents growing up I was the most independent of all my siblings. There is a sense of freedom that comes with independence and I think losing that is throwing me for a bit of a loop.

The freedom and independence to just make a decision to do something in the moment and being able to just do it. Even the smallest, stupidest of things like going for a browse in a shop. Such a boring and mundane activity but an activity that clearly ticked some kind of box for my mind.

Of course, I am wary of banging on about this word “freedom” but allow me to state, I do not mean freedom with the gusto of some hardcore, right wing, gun toting Murican (Or the Irish lady, she whom shall not be named… We all know).

No, I’m not trying to suggest my first world concept of freedom is being threatened on some conspiracy level, I accept the merit in the fact that for a period of time we have to do what’s best for the greater good. But jaysus, it’s not easy at times is it?

Without the fundamental freedoms which I take for granted as everyday life it’s as if my brain is being withheld vital nutrients for it to operate full steam ahead. Don’t get me wrong, this anxiety trip isn’t a new phenomenon for me, I know the bitch well, but I had such a great grip on things and I think the hardest part for a minute there was trying to figure out how I was allowing it all to spiral so ferociously when I know I have the tools to not do that.

It also bothers me because I am, by nature, incredibly laid back and positive. I flip between Energizer Bunny, Everything is Awesome and easily passing for a hippie stoner on my good days. So seeing myself behave erratically at times now makes me not recognise or like the person I am having to live with during this lockdown! Her neediness and desire to please is very, very off putting to me.

But maybe I just need to let her be a little bit, maybe I just need to let her know that it is fine. It is fine if a momentary lapse in the mind causes a mini freak out which embodies itself as wanting to just shut down, it is fine if she does just go a bit OTT at times with people to overly compensate for how weak and low she is feeling. It’s fine.

It is fine. Once you recognise that that’s all it is, it does not lessen your worth to behave in a way you might later regret and it does not lessen your value if you allow your insecurities or vulnerabilities to sneak through every now and then. You just have to hope that whoever is lucky enough to get the brunt of your vulnerability can appreciate the value in getting a taste of it at all. Because that right there, that vulnerability, that is a precious thing which is not afforded to many, if any at all.

It is the most beautiful aspect of humanity, to be vulnerable. And it is really fucking hard to let go of. Vulnerability takes an incredible amount of strength, it’s a feather that keeps on floating through regardless of how much dirt and debris gets attached to weigh it down. It is delicate and strong all at the same time.

And for me, it is terrifying to let that wall down. It feels frightening to think for a moment I let someone see weakness or gave a hint that I, with all my positivity and strength and being there for other people, could have a moment of weakness. It cracks the veneer of who I want to pretend I am.

Meet my friend, Anxiety.

Anxiety has been an under current which has existed within me since my childhood but something I only recognised as I began to get older and, yes, get help. Speaking to a professional allowed me the opportunity to begin to understand myself and learn about myself, gain self awareness.

Where I am now compared to where I was back then are completely opposed. At its worst, I was consumed by my anxiety and all the other little niggly things which tortured my brain. It all manifested in self-hate usually, maybe hate is a strong word but certainly a really strong dislike of myself! I would allow that to spin in circles in my mind until I was lost in it and trying to fix a million and one things about myself and others which really, was all very surface or non-existent.

The difference today is that I can, at last, recognise it. I can see the signs, at times I am deep within them and it takes a step back to shake it off and see it but at least I can find it within myself to rationalise and take that step back.

It doesn’t make it easy, there is nothing easy about managing mental health in the same sense there is nothing easy about managing physical health. If I want that toned stomach I will have to feel the burn and it has to work the same for mental health too!

Jesus, it is not easy at times. I will always remember an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race in which the contestant Katya suffered severely from debilitating anxiety. During a walk through Ru asked the Queen if she was, in fact, addicted to the anxiety. This registered with Katya and as time has gone by and that interaction replays in my own mind, I realise it often registers for me too.

When it is all you know, you can easily become all consumed by the anxiety, the worry, the stress and you can get sucked right down into it. And you can find a level of comfort within that discomfort, it’s recognisable and it can feel easier to submit yourself to it than seek out the light and pull yourself back from it.

When I break it down I can see the various triggers for my anxiety:

Opening up and being vulnerable = Opening myself up for rejection.

Feeling like I cannot help = Opening myself up for failure.

Failure, rejection = Not good enough.

Attempting to improve and increase my self worth is really something that I never understood was such an issue for me, mostly because the concept of “self worth” was never something that even showed up on my radar. But guess what? It’s a thing!

Self love is not about having an over inflated and delirious ego, it is about recognising that you do have worth as a human being. Recognise yourself as a human being.

Oh god, she’s going to talk about her childhood...

So, why is it that I may not have always recognised myself as a human being, worthy of care and love? Well, I will refrain from the details that will cause my very being to quiver but I was raised in a home in which I received a lot of love, but it was unstable. Arguments, raised voices, depression and a lack of seeing love between my parents. A tumultuous family backstory which, while I was not in existence for much of it, carried a heavy cloud over all proceedings. I was in existence for difficult times with siblings and parents who butted heads constantly.

I was a witness, I was shielded from being on the receiving end for the most part but I still stayed awake at night waiting for things to take a turn for the worse. I jumped at nothing and everything, like a scared little mouse. I was reserved and private with friends, I held the problems into myself and did not expose anyone to it.

As well as this, I faced a level of mental, physical and, like so many other girls and women out there, sexual abuse. I won’t delve into all the details but it seems like some sick, twisted joke that once you are forced to be subjected to this as a child, you do not recognise the issue with it which leaves you vulnerable for it again as you mature into an adult and set off on your own.

This is because your self worth has been destroyed. So when you see ladies coming to the fore as part of #MeToo or another movement, or no movement at all, don’t be so quick to judge. These ladies have likely held their tongue because their self worth has been so low that until they became exposed to others discussing it they didn’t even realise what had happened to them.

I won’t dwell too long on that, I could spend a long time dissecting it but it isn’t for now.

I will note, neither of my parents were responsible for that abuse. However, what my beautiful, kind and lovely parents were responsible for was me and as much as it absolutely kills me to have to admit, there were failings. Aside from generally being exposed to an unhappy home, as a child I was used to bridge the gap. Something which ran into my adulthood.

If my father was angry, upset or, as I now reflect and realise, in a spiral of depression it was my responsibility to pick him out of it. From a young age, I was the fixer - a tool to try to make things better.

Until I actually discussed this with a professional I never saw the problem here, everything was normalised to me, but apparently not great! It’s a lot of pressure to put on a child!

Add into that a complex / chip on my shoulder of never being as good as an older sibling, whom I perceived as the ‘golden child’, feeling like I had to keep things hurting me hidden for fear of disrupting an already disruptive home for which I felt responsible for keeping the peace or holding together and well, you get yourself a nice little stew that is a recipe for absolute fucked up adulthood!

Honest Reflection.

How could I ever expect to grow into a well developed individual? The balance of genuine love I did receive from my parents is what I believe kept me from falling down an even more desperate track, a track which I pondered along on many occasions. A dark road with flickering lights where the allure of escape was often far too real.

However, my internal commentary of having to be responsible for others actually kept me from ending it on many occasions as I could not release the feeling of not wanting to let anyone down.

Jesus, unpack this shit and it’s an absolute shit show! But I don’t claim to be special or unique, the sad reality is how many people went through a similar journey or worse and are now in their early to mid adulthood and attempting to get to grips with it all. And that’s only if they managed to find the tools and resources to recognise it in the first place.

Recognise that 1. You are not mental and 2. You are not a terrible human being.

I can’t speak to anyone else but clearly I have lacked the tools to manage or cope with my emotions. Anything outside of my control freaks me out and I lose the absolute run of myself! I panic, I seek out approval and validation and often in unhealthy ways. I have had eating disorders which I have been in denial about, I have drank too much, gone off the rails and slept with far too many people!

What now? What triggered my writing, which has evidently turned into an unintentional essay about myself (fair play if you’ve made it this far, you’re a better person than me).

I recognised irrational behaviour and a deep dip in my mood as well as an increase of self critical behaviours. That was when I began writing, this is now the future, or present, or wait, is this inception? I’ve incepted myself, just know as you read now a couple of days have passed.

And it took those couple of days for the lightbulb to click on but better late than never!

Let there be Light!

I began writing this aimlessly as a means to just put my thoughts down and that was a step in the direction of realising I had to do something. I am now slowly picking myself back up from it all.

First step, I went to the chemist and I just asked what can you give me for anxiety, I am not sleeping, I have not had a proper night sleep in close to two weeks or more - I asked for…… Help!

Gulp, scary, try it sometime.

The Pharmacist gave me a product called “Avena Sativa” (check it out). I added 20-30 drops to a little bit of water and it immediately relaxed and eased my mind. I took more before bed and baby, when I say I slept! Pure, deep, joyful sleep - all the z’s.

But wait, there’s more! Thinking I might as well hit this from all angles, I also grabbed some Vitamin D supplements and began retaking my B-12. I don’t know if one or all of these things did the trick but I can certainly feel the easing effects.

So that’s the taking stuff, but that isn’t all I did - Oh no, that would be too short for me!

I knew I really needed to hit this hard if I wanted to pull myself out of the hole I could eventually be down deep within. I’m a fan of meditation, I get that some skeptical people might huff it off as new age hippie nonsense or whatever, but it can work. Youtube has a host of wonderful meditation videos and for me, switching off from the world and onto one of those helps me massively.

Additionally, I stopped hanging out of my phone, for the best part at least. I have a bit of anxiety with my phone (of course I do). I went through a period of time where my phone was a bearer of bad news, any phone call could have been bad news and eventually, it was. I realised I find it hard to let go of that, the idea that if I do not have my phone on me and with sound on 24/7 I risk not getting an important piece of news, I risk letting someone down or not being there as I should be.

Should = dangerous word. Don’t let ‘should’ govern your life or mind. Every ‘should’ is an expectation and additional level of stress you are putting on yourself. Best advice I received was to replace ‘I should’ with ‘I want to’ and see what the end result becomes.

Let’s wrap this up.

All in all, this is a time that can lead those susceptible to anxiety, and even those who are not typically, to find themselves in the mental trenches. It’s imperative to look at yourself from the outside and attempt to recognise what might be the deep rooted cause of what is effing you up. Do you really hate your body right now or is your self worth a bit low because of some other reason that deserves to be addressed?

Maybe consider going a bit easy on yourself? Don’t beat yourself up over that response or message that you regret. Don’t assume you can control others, just be yourself. Speak your truth at any given time and allow yourself that beautiful release of scary, scary vulnerability.

Don’t run from it or beat yourself up over every and any little interaction or negative thought, give yourself a break and pull yourself out of the addiction of dark thoughts. Seek out help, ask for help - even if you are just asking yourself. Make healthy choices that will have a knock on effect of making you feel good about yourself or happy in your decision.

It is far from easy, but again, nothing worth having in this life is ever easy. But then the end result, when you push through and put in that effort - it is so, so very worth it to be able to have that moment of that day when you actually don’t doubt yourself or hate yourself.

I will keep motoring along with my own work and efforts and I ask that you do the same, if you find yourself in that dark place. Push through and don’t give up on yourself, you’re all you’ve got and that’s a pretty amazing thing to have.

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charliejrogers · 4 years ago

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The Hate U Give

I change my phone background to a particular movie's poster every time I see a movie that really floors me. As of yesterday, The Hate U Give has unseated Avengers: Endgame for space on my phone after its nearly 15-month reign.

This is a must-watch movie for anyone who is struggling to make sense of the current protests across America and their fight for people to recognize the injustices facing Black Americans. It’s a film that teaches without being preachy. It moves emotions without feeling manipulative. It tackles difficult questions about race, the role of the police in perpetuating Blacks’ oppression, and white people’s complacency in that oppression, in a thought-provoking manner, that still effectively argues for its own point of view.

Much of this success has to do with how the movie grounds itself within the point of view of Starr Carter (and don’t ask her why there are two “R’s”!), a 17-year old Black girl who attends an elite, nearly all-white private school, who is conscious of the fact that she needs to “act white” at school so that no one treats her like she’s from “the hood.” But, she is from “the hood.” She lives in Garden Heights, a fictional neighborhood of an unnamed American city, which is predominantly Black and run by a local gang, the King Lords. It’s a neighborhood devoid of real opportunity, so much of its youth turn to the gang as the only chance to make something of themselves. It’s a world her father used to be a part of, but after a stint in prison he has sworn off completely, agreeing with Starr’s mother to make sure their children have the opportunities to get out of Garden Heights. But, still, it’s important to Starr’s father, and for Starr as well, to not pretend that their people don’t live in Garden Heights. It’s the kind of complex relationship between white and Black America that isn’t often shown on screen.

And so our protagonist Starr, played incredibly well by Amandla Stenberg, lives something of a double life. The moment she arrives at school, she takes off her hoodie and never uses slang. But back home, none of her white friends are ever getting an invite to hang. She’s spending her weekends at parties in Garden Heights. Starr moves well in both circles, but at the beginning of the film doesn’t fully fit in with either. Her best friend in Garden Heights wants to start a fight with another girl for creeping up on her man and asks for Starr’s help which she feels is all but guaranteed within her understanding of friendship, something echoed by others in Garden Heights. But Starr doesn’t want to jeopardize her standing with her school by getting into a fight and causing too much controversy. Meanwhile, at school, her relationship with a white boy draws disapproving stares from nearly every passerby.

Starr is a wonderful character, and one of the more memorable on-screen characters I have seen in recent memory. She is wise beyond her years, but not incapable of having a good time. And Stenberg does a fantastic job of bringing her to life, granting her an infectious smile and laugh, as well as a righteous anger when faced with the sudden death of her longtime best friend and crush by a police officer in a traffic stop gone wrong. This movie may be fiction, but the movie hardly takes place in a fantasy world.

And it’s that interaction that serves as the film’s catalyst to greatness. Prior to it, it’s an interesting movie in its own right, chronicling a Black girl’s struggles in navigating her two lives. But it quickly transforms into something more engaging. Starr is in the passenger seat when the cop murders her friend Khalil, and is therefore the lone witness to the event. No longer can she afford to sit by idly and keep her two worlds separate. People at school will really know “who she is,” and Starr will have to make the unfair choice of whether to disrupt her comfortable existence in order to bring about justice for her dear friend Khalil.

A word should be said about the magic of Khalil, played by Algee Smith. His time on-screen cannot be more than 10 minutes, but his charisma, and in particular his chemistry with Starr is pitch-perfect, capturing the feeling of two childhood friends realizing there may be something more to their friendship. And this is crucial, because if the scenes and the performances that introduce Khalil weren’t so on-point, the film would lose a little of its power and motivation as it focuses from here on out on achieving his justice.

I want to be clear, though, and say that Khalil deserves justice because he was unjustly murdered, regardless of whether he has charisma or not. What I’m saying is that the film quickly introduces us to Khalil, shows us what kind of person he is and what he means to Starr, allowing us to feel a fraction of Starr’s pain and keep us anchored to her point-of-view even as the movie continues to puts roadblocks in her way.

Many of these roadblocks take the form of people vying to convince Starr to embrace their point of view, and I think it is here that the film rises above others in its attempt to take on issues of race. It doesn’t shy away from opposing arguments; it forces its character into creating a dialogue. And each side gets a fair shake, the movie refusing to just prop up straw men. It helps that it’s a rock solid cast. Common shines as Starr’s uncle who is a police himself and tries to justify from his POV why black men keep getting shot. The local gang kingpin is played intimidatingly by Anthony Mackie who sheds all signs of friendliness from the MCU, and he posits another philosophy: one of forgetting and moving on, that Khalil’s death is unfortunate but it’s bad for business to rock the boat. Starr’s own mother, a fantastic Regina Hall, pushes Starr to think about her future and that the attention the incident would bring her if she speaks up might overwhelm her. And then there’s her father, Maverick “Mav” Carter, played by the imposing gentle giant Russell Hornsby, who encourages Starr to let the light of her truth shine forth.

Yes, the conflict between Starr and the local gang might be a little over-dramatic, and the film’s ending and how it addresses the movie’s titular theme, “T.H.U.G.L.I.F.E.” (The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everybody) might be a little too on-the-nose, but a film this thoughtful and this smart is certainly not bogged down by such little squabbles. For white people in particular, it highlights our own role in perpetuating this cycle. Our general propensity towards defending cops, our inability to see Black people as anything other than “one of us” or “hood,” how our media will spin these stories to highlight the victim’s past misdeeds even though it's unrelated to their present murder, and our love for maintaining the status quo. It’s a tough film to watch, but carried on the back of Stenberg’s incredible performance, it is one that highlights film’s important role as an empathy machine, as Roger Ebert called it. The Hate U Give is one for the ages, and one everyone who has questions about the BLM movement should watch.

**** (Four Stars out of Four) - An Instant Classic

#the hate u give

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zaryanovaspeaks · 6 years ago

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@mercyspeaks

15&16

//I somehow deleted your question, but the answer has already been written, so here it is, sorry! :'D

Oh, dear... I guess now I will be torturing you with my long tales, but I really couldn’t answer these questions briefly - they caused so many different memories! It seems, I turn into a grandmother who loves to chat about everything, you just ask her about it, hehe.

15. Have you ever done something you know is wrong but enjoyed it?

Oh, haha, I don't remember me telling someone, but there was a moment in my youth when I was just starting to make my first sports achievements and was not too well-known – and I even was kind of arrogant. Then something like underground arm wrestling was spread. It was really popular with a certain circle of people. Strongmen from other countries came to us, having heard about local "buffaloes". It was divided into several leagues, depending on the level of physical strength of a person. People fought very fiercely for the championship and for the high places in the leagues. Because it naturally brought tremendous honor, it was for money and for, hm, all sorts of other valuable things, so the excitement of the participants sometimes crossed the permissible boundaries. But they were underground fights, as I said, so the organizers didn't care what happened after the unsuccessful battle with someone - only the stakes were important. Sometimes the really strong participants with whom I was familiar didn't return to the league due to... injuries received after the victory from other rivals.

Well, this is the preface. My "sin" in that I watched these battles for a long time was only a faceless observer, I evaluated each of the participants, their habits, limit of forces. It was quite easy for me to do this, considering how much workout I endured and endure to this day. I was even a little proud that I could read them so easily. I learned by heart all the tricks of each participant. And at the moment when there was an opportunity, I, having called myself by a different name, entered the lower league. And thanks to my observations, and, of course, my superior strength, I smashed my opponents with one movement. Whenever I reached the top of the next league, I'd crush the best of the best without much effort. I was even considered omnic for a while because of this, huh.

Of course, they tried to quietly “brush me off”, like other outstanding winners before, but is it worth saying that they couldn't even seriously hurt me.

I ruined the fate and pride of people who were considered the strongest, with one hand movement, without batting an eye. Some of them left our underground fights forever, unable to recover after a defeat. Then hot blood boiled in me, I triumphed, reveling in the defeats of the best. Now I understand that my participation in these battles wasn't too correct, not to mention *what* I did with the opponents.

And I smashed them one by one, climbing to the top. While not faced with a new, obviously unearthly man. He spoke with a clear German accent, and was twice as big as any other fighter. I could argue that he was more than twice my age. And he was the first to temper my ardor. After the first defeat, I was simply broken - before him no one even managed to reject my hand. After that, because of our fame with him, the observers were very unhappy and demanded a rematch. The organizers, seeing the size of the bets, couldn't even think about refusal. And soon we faced again. That time I was able to hold my hand for a long time, but I still lost. He was a worthy adversary, but he couldn't afford it. But instead of becoming sworn enemies, we became good friends because of our common athletic interests, haha.

But in less than a couple of weeks, he suddenly left without saying a word to me, and I never saw him again. Later, I learned that he was called to the debt home. But spending time with such a great opponent was really nice...

16. Have you ever enjoyed hurting someone?

I rarely recall the case, because it happened a long time ago, but... It seems that this story will be longer than I'd like, because this question cannot be answered in two words. Sorry, honey, huh.

Once we went to the front with a detachment of fighters. In this detachment, we all knew each other for a long time, but among them was one man, with whom we... were incredibly friendly since our early years. He, like me, lost many relatives because of the war (he only had an older sister), and went to the front as well, where we met again years later. We made a great team. All our joint tasks were carried out cleanly and harmoniously, and it seemed that nothing existed that could have caused our quarrel. We were ready to substitute under enemy fire for the sake of protecting each other, and even there were cases when we did it - and still remained alive.

Sometimes, when more people were needed, we performed tasks in the squad. It happened at that time.

The task was difficult, but the two of us, as some of the most experienced fighters, were, of course, assigned to it, along with a small detachment of elite fighters who were almost as powerful as us. Having previously discovered the location of the enemy and their number by intelligence, despite the danger, as always, we were confident of success. It was not blind overconfidence, but something taken for granted.

We moved to the task. Breaking through the enemies to the control point of capture, I caught a glimpse that in addition to omnics, there were a lot of male soldiers, but they never really bothered me.

And suddenly it turned out that the scouts had miscalculated - we were fooled. The necessary point was on the other side, and we fell into the enemy trap. And while I and my partner, standing back to back, were fighting off omnics arriving from all sides, the enemy soldiers managed to take a winning position for themselves - and just awful for the two of us. I began to understand that we were specially lured to the open space in order to sort out without the intervention of our detachment, from which we were cut off.

Standing back to back, we were struggling with our last forces from the remaining omnics. But in their place came an uncountable number of soldiers who surrounded us with a dense wall. Our armor was smashed to pieces, and would hardly be protected from the next powerful bullet.

And at some point we understood, at the same time and without words - only one of us can get out of here alive. Each of us was willing to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of the other.

But then we touched our backs, and then... oh, forgive me, Angela, give me a minute.

*sigh*

For a long time I didn't remember that day. It turned out to be harder than I thought.

Then I heard his low voice. (It seems that he laughed a little, or maybe it’s just my imagination.): "Don't even think about it. You won't die here, Sergeant Zaryanova."

And I didn't have time to take a step to push my partner away and close him from enemy fire, as I felt myself literally thrown aside - and the next second a wave of shots rang out.

For a while my eyes went dark; blood gushed from somewhere on my forehead, and I couldn't see anything. Only heard his fierce, almost insane cries, and a flurry of shots. Whose shots were those - him or his enemies... I didn’t know for sure. I don't know how much time has passed. But when I was able to stand up and rub my eyes, I saw him lying on the ground. I remember how everything inside me broke at that moment. I thought I was dead. I remembered my childhood and the beginning of that fateful war. And they took away my loved one again.

“He flinged a little, but we quickly laid him down” - grinning, one of the soldiers said (he looked like one of the main ones), and put the dirty boot on his face - “Now you’ll go after him, girl.” However, after this desperate attack for the sake of my (huh) salvation, the ranks of the enemy soldiers noticeably thinned out - of the twenty barely a dozen were alive, and five could stand on their feet. And I stood and looked at my partner, on whose belly a bloody dark spot spread, and as the ground around him slowly turned red.

Only then he was already dead. I saw... no, I felt it, as soon as I got up on my feets. Some kind of hole appeared inside me, as if a whole piece had been torn out of my heart, and it was impossible to fill that void.

But as soon as I heard what came out of that soldier’s dirty, filthy mouth, something inside me cracked.

This is almost all I remember before... that happened after. I only remember how the blood flooded my eyes, I remember men's heart-rending screams, pleading, some furious dark force inside me... and the feeling of the crunch of other people's bones under my fingers. Some kind of ominous triumph mixed with genuine childish joy swept over me. I grabbed anyone who would fall under the arm, without restraining my strength, forgetting about the concept of "humanity." It seems that I twisted the neck of someone... I remember how someone shot, but probably didn't hit - I didn't feel pain.

I was terrified. Even now, remembering this, I can't help but shiver. At that moment everything was foggy, and I don't remember what exactly I did with those soldiers. But you better not see it.

It’s better if no one see.

When I woke up from this bloody nightmare - I knelt in front of the cooled body of my partner, who gave for me the most precious thing he had - his life. The one whom I had to defend died because of me.

From the defender of the people I turned into their cruel executioner.

And whatever my uncontrollable revenge was - there was no point in it from the very beginning. Everything was useless.

After that, I woke up in the hospital. I was casually informed that a specially prepared detachment arrived at the place of that ambush in order to carry off the bodies of the enemy soldiers... piece by piece.

And despite the fact that later I couldn't think of that day with anything but horror, devastation and grief, I still distinctly remember with a shudder that childish delight that devoured me when my fingers closed on someone's thin neck, when I felt how someone's blood was streaming down my arms.

And I still see it in my nightmares.

#mercyspeaks #ask a big woman #long Zarya's post

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lethe-distillery-blog · 6 years ago

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Tall, Dark, and Fictional

I stepped through the door and took a long deep breath, appreciating the smell of old paper, glue, a miasma hanging thick in the air. The second hand bookstore on the corner of Fifth and Main didn't have a proper name so far as anyone I knew was aware but if you mentioned either 'The Book Store' or the owner Bartholomew, everyone who did any sort of reading in the surrounding area knew exactly who or where you were talking about. It wasn't a big shop, though that was difficult to discern, six hundred square feet or so I think though the floor to ceiling bookshelves or random stacks of books at the end like hastily thrown together end caps created a winding labyrinth that shrunk the already small space into something that felt almost like a giant hug from old friends.

I smiled as much as I could at Bartholomew, he refused to answer to Bart, who sat behind the counter; he wasn't an old man, despite his name, in fact he didn't look much over thirty with eyes that were a deep royal shade of blue and auburn hair and a comfortable personality. I saw where he had his own book neatly set on top of a tiny table that served as a checkout, though it too was piled with books. He waved me over. "I have something for you." Being a regular had special perks with Bartholomew, he tended to follow what you bought and then be helpful and warn you if you accidentally bought a second copy, or if he got something in that he thought you might like. Where he stored all of that information, I had no idea. Especially since that was all on top of his store and the knowledge he needed for that as well as any personal life he may have. My mood must have shown as I walked over because I saw the slightest frown on his features. It wasn't that his lips had turned down but there were a couple faint wrinkles between the eyebrows from them drawing together ever so subtly. In all the years I had known him, I hadn’t known him to express emotion much, my guess was that he was slightly autistic. "That asshole bugging you again?"

I flinched reflexively as memories came floating back. "Yeah." It came out weaker than I wanted, I hated that I let people affect me so much. It wasn't like I wasn't used to bullies, in fact, I had been teased all the way throughout middle and high school, thank God I had finally grown into my buck teeth and they weren't quite so pronounced anymore and though I could do with putting on some weight I wasn't nearly so lanky, and I wore contacts now instead of glasses. Yeah. I was still haunted by the demons of my past, and it seemed, the present too. I had no idea how people could be so willingly cruel. A warmth covered my hand breaking through the memories and dark thoughts and I looked up to see Bartholomew's hand covering mine. Even through his white reading gloves I could feel his body heat. It was nice, the moment of contact, a reminder that I wasn't alone. He pulled back and I smiled my appreciation and he nodded. "So what did you have for me?" I asked, forcing a subject change off of me, he took the hint. I glanced over the assortment and took in some details as I looked over the scattered assortment of mysteries, romances, even a couple World War II biographies lay strewn about.

Going to a nearby pile Bartholomew brought over three books. One was the next in the series I was reading, I had purchased the previous two last week and I was already done them, they were incredibly addictive. One was a book I had asked him to reserve for me, The Historian by Elizabeth Kristova, a remarkable Dracula rewrite that I had read quite a few years ago and had wanted a copy, and the last was a book I hadn't seen before. Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice. I flipped it over to read the blurb. It sounded interesting enough. "Thank you Bartholomew, I'll take all three when I'm done looking around." I smiled again, feeling in a much better mood and he nodded and set them aside for later. Aside from Bartholomew, I was the only one in the store, not really surprising given that it was Friday at two in the afternoon, though I knew it picked up later when everyone was done work. I had actually left college early to make sure I was alone. I hadn't intended to spend anything today but I had just wanted to the warm comfort that books provided to me, and here it was especially prevalent.

I wandered the narrow allies slowly, taking my time in the claustrophobic spaces finding new friends stacked amongst the old and even a few that I might have to take home with me at some later date. The Resurrectionist: The Lost Work of Dr. Spencer Black was one such book, it looked to be a fascinating study of cryptids though the anatomical drawings in the back of the book were what really piqued my curiosity. Still, I set it back regretfully. I had no money to spare until the end of the month, rent was due and I didn't have nearly as much to start pulling things off the shelves because I knew once I started I wouldn't stop. Didn’t know how I was going to afford the three at the counter either but I would try.

I frowned to myself, stopping suddenly and squinting. Yes, that was in fact a book tucked up on top of the others. It was small, tiny really. Nothing much more than what people used for a pocket day timer. It was wrapped in what felt like leather, old, worn, but well cared for obviously. It was unadorned, not even a title or author, just a canvas of leather. It felt old, the pages looked thicker than average, vellum maybe? Whatever it was, it looked old. Though it seemed odd that it was packed here, tucked in amongst the paperbacks in young adult mystery. I flipped through the book, the words seemed blurry almost, indistinct, had the book been damaged? I couldn’t tell for sure, it looked, fuzzy almost, yet the rest of the world around it looked clear and crisp, thanks to my contacts, or else I would have thought I had forgotten to put them in. Something that happened so frequently it could almost be called habit at this point. Confused a bit I stopped flipping through and turned to the front page by some strange compulsion.

There was writing there, a crisp written script that was both beautiful and masculine, it looked, messy wasn’t the right word but it was the only one coming to mind. As if the writer were using a fountain pen, that slight smudging of the letters as the ink spread and dried. Still though, whomever wrote it had a beautiful hand, it was an elegant cursive that spoke, through with nothing more than swirls on a page, of power, elegance, and refinement. I started reading.

“It’s been a long time.” I could practically here his words, rich and cultured and a deep cadence that made me think of my favorite treat, chocolate covered caramel, why did I think it was a him? Still, I couldn’t stop myself. “I suppose that introductions are in order.” I could swear I heard him sigh with resignation. “My name, if you want to call it that, is Nefelibata Lacuna, though I won’t be offended if you cannot pronounce a mouthful like that.”

Stopping, I tried, just the faintest of whispers. “Nefel la bata, La coo na.” I felt silly, but Bartholomew was the only one in the store and I was far enough away that I doubted he heard me, or even if he did, I doubted he would care.

“Close,” I read on, frowning, “Closer than most in fact, glad you are smart as well as beautiful. Good. Neh fell lee bah ta. You pronounced the other correct.” The voice was patient, smooth as it spoke but I frowned, stopping my reading. This, was a bit too creepy, a bit too, close for comfort. Flipping through the book again it still seemed blurry. Indistinct, blurry, letters jumbled together, but the moment I focused, everything became clear. “I think I concerned you.” The voice inside my head seemed to be thoughtful, a bit concerned even as I kept reading. “Was it too much? I thought that an introduction would be the best course of action after all.” My curiosity kept me reading, a morbid curiosity that wanted to know where this was going. “What is your name my lady?” I looked at the next line and it was blank. In fact. The whole page was blank now. I flipped through the book. The entire thing was blank, plain white pages, even the front page. I went back to my spot, but I couldn’t find it. Everything was a plain, off-white sheet, without page numbers even. I frowned in confusion.

The front door bell tinkled and I slammed the book shut, breathing hard. I was, nervous. Of what? All I had been doing was reading a book. A strange one granted, but still. It was just a book. I glanced down at the leather bound tome, my hand was shaking, I reached out and set it back on the Hardy Boys, went to Bartholomew, quickly bought the three others and left so I could catch the bus back home.

Nefelibata Lacuna.

I shook my head trying to focus, I had The Historian out, soaking in a bath after a long day at work. I knew the story, not perfectly, but I knew the jist. I just couldn’t focus. I had a specific voice that hadn’t left me alone for three days, a memory that haunted through my thoughts at the most inopportune times. The rich, caramel chocolaty smoothness of his voice made all others sound pathetic by comparison. And, as pathetic as it sounded, being called beautiful, even by nothing more than words on a page and my idealistic imaginings of a man inside my head did things to me. I wanted to be beautiful. Thank god the braces were off. I wanted to be normal, not the tall, gawky, nerdy girl that was good at numbers and had no ass and nearly nothing for breasts.

I sighed, trying to focus on my book. I was set for relaxing. Candles flickered around my small bathroom basking everything, and me, in a warm golden glow. The scent of lavender filled my head, the bubbles a soft blanket while the water provided the warmth. I had a glass of Apothic Crush red wine, and a small plate of cheese and chocolates. I was set. And yet, despite everything, despite my every possible comfort tended to. I had yet to read more than the first paragraph. Just a quote, not even the book yet.

“How these papers have been placed in sequence will be made manifest in the reading of them. All needless matters have been eliminated, so that a history almost at variance with the possibilities of later-day belief may stand as simple fact. There is no statement of past things wherein memory may err, for all the records chosen are exactly contemporary, given from the stand-points and within the range of knowledge of those who made them.

-Bram Stoker, Dracula, 1897.”

I finally set the book aside, finally giving up after the fourth attempt of reading and retaining the words in order to flip the page and start where everything started. I leaned back, closing my eyes and focusing on the warmth and comfort that the bath provided. Rick the Dick had been a nightmare today, constantly belittling me and almost made me cry, again.His cruelty had no bounds and it was getting to the point I was tempted on looking for another job, even though I loved working in the bank, and the other ladies were fantastic, it was getting difficult to convince myself to keep going back and dealing with Rick every day. I sighed and forced myself to relax. Long, slow breaths, just like yoga had taught me. Meditation. I had thought of it as a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but it really had helped, a lot. There was only one issue the last few days. “You are smart as well as beautiful.” The voice soothed through my senses, overwhelming me so much I could never stop it. It rushed through me with a giddy exhilaration and a warmth that spread from my chest all the way to my toes.

“Who are you?” I couldn’t stop the plaintive whimper, not even knowing I had spoken aloud.

“Nefelibata Lacuna.”

I sighed. I knew his name, still didn’t know why I thought it was a him, but any time I set my imagination to say the words with a feminine voice it came up blank. Nothing. I had no voice for a feminine version. So here I was, stuck with a voice in my head that sounded like sin and satisfaction. The very essence of masculine pleasure. I couldn’t take much more of this. I was going crazy.

I was going crazy. Here I stood. In the bookstore, on the corner of Fifth and Main, with a proprietor by the name of Bartholomew. And here, in the comfortable confines of his establishment I found a corner, it was the only real place there was enough room, I sat and in my hands I held a small book. It was about the size of a time keeper with old leather casing that was worn in places but well cared for and faded nearly to black. My hands were shaking as I lifted the cover, and read. “It’s been a long time.” I kept going forwards, my breathing coming out in harsh pants. “Did I frighten you?” It, he, remembered me. My breathing hitched. “I’m sorry I cannot be more personal.” I took a long shaky breath, feeling all sorts of on edge, nervous, and perhaps a little crazy, I spoke.

“My name, is Monica.” I swallowed, feeling all kinds the fool. “Monica Brewman.”

“Monica.” One word. One simple word as though he were sampling my name on his tongue like fine wine. One word, rolled about and I felt everything in me melt, all the tension, unease, all the stress of another long day at work, the bath last night hadn’t really helped much at all. One word, and I didn’t feel alone anymore. “Take me home Monica.”

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crowleplays · 6 years ago

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Tursio Feresa

(sprite artwork by Brinytrolls)

Your name is TURSIO FERESA and despite everything life’s thrown at you, you’re trying to remain OPTIMISTIC. After all, you’re VIOLET, you can afford to get roughed up by the world, and so long as people are focused on YOU, they won’t go after the more VULNERABLE types you associate with.

It’s PRETTY EASY to stay in the spotlight when you’re a MUSICIAN, especially now that you’ve branched out to more MAINSTREAM territory with your recent works. For someone that should be ACCUSTOMED to being the center of attention, you’ve NEVER felt all that comfortable when everyone’s eyes are on you. Everyone wants to be FAMOUS until they are. Still, you try not to let the ANXIETY get to you, along with the LITANY of other personal issues you keep mostly to yourself. By Alternian standards you’re SOFT, but even soft types know to keep weaknesses hidden away. Maybe you’re a little TOO good at looking OKAY sometimes, but you can handle it, it’s fine, don’t worry about it. OTHER people need help more than you.

(My love to Danny at teamstarlightcollectors for letting me use his bio layout)

Name: Tursio Feresa

Age: 14 sweeps (wriggling day November 11th)

Gender: Nonbinary

Sexuality: Bi/Pan (Only poly in red and black)

Blood color: Violet

Lusus: Bottlenose Dolphin

Sign:

Physical Characteristics:

Height: 5′3″

Injuries: Torn, damaged fins, scars around his gills, a large scar that runs from his temple to his collarbone, and an injury to the base of his spine that’s been mended by a biotech implant

Deformities/Mutations: Shifter/Shadowdropper; form is a big fuckoff feathery dragon. Very difficult to force him to shift. Shifter form is highly protective and territorial, though not outwardly malicious or destructive. It is not afraid of killing people though.

Tattoos/markings: Twin back tattoos in the shape of watery wings

Other notable aspects: Iridescent hair (it’s dyed), symmetrical paired fangs, short for a seadweller

Strife Specibus: Weaponized violin, which can shoot hard light projectiles, illuminated snare nets, and sonic blasts.

Occupation: Musician

Face Claim: Renan Pacheo

Voice Claim: Adam Young

—-

Troll tag: aberrantComposer

Typing quirks:

Replaces e/E with €

Quirk example: “If I cannot figur€ this m€lody out I'm going to scr€am.”

—-

Ancestor’s Title: The Composer

—-

Notable Skills/Abilities/Powers: Very good at being able to pack up and disappear off the map in about 24-48 hours, knows how to use his size to his advantage in a fight against a bigger opponent, can recover incredibly fast from wounds that aren’t inflicted with silver

—-

Interests/Likes: Video games, tasteful neons, sweets, sour candy, stargazing, Pokemon, comfy clothes, fiction books

Dislikes: Paparazzi, stuffy formal wear, too many loud noises, hemoist bullshit, being yelled at, having his personal space invaded

Extra Information:

Lowkey involved with hemorebels and his music often carries undertones of this

His bloodcolor when in public is usually anonymous, as he’s not known to be a violetblood by the press

Super friendly and easygoing but can’t stand overly negative people and will just walk away from a conversation with one

Tursio Things

Tursio Aesthetic

Relationships

The Dissident: When you first met Peraux, she broke your nose. Granted, you absolutely deserved it at the time and had it coming. She’s the person who made you take steps to be a better person, be someone worth befriending and knowing. In a way she saved you from yourself, which is something you’ve repaid with sweeps and sweeps of love. (Spitfire)

The Old Friend: Satare’s someone you’ve known a long time, and you’ve both seen each other’s ugly histories. Beyond just that, you’ve been through hell together and come out the other side. He’s a rabble-rousing shit-disturber with something to prove and you wouldn’t trade him for anyone else.

The Sucker Punch: Vlinde earned that title when your crush on him came out of nowhere and sent you reeling for the next few perigees. It wasn’t helped by the fact that he’s completely oblivious to romantic hints. Somehow, despite all your collective idiocy, you started dating, and just like Peraux he means the world to you. (Breakbeat)

The Reminder Of Your Old Life: Faldur is a piece of goddamn work, that’s for sure. Thankfully, he’s not yours, and while part of you wishes he could get better, most of you knows he won’t. Everything your old friendship was built upon is mostly gone now anyways. It’s better this way.

The Nerd: Honestly, messaging Sarkan was the best thing you’ve recently done. He’s an absolute goofball and the best person to have on a stream, not to mention one hell of a friend.

The Pain In Your Ass: JUST WHO DOES THIS ANGELO PRICK THINK HE IS?! No, really, someone telling you would be nice since you can’t remember much about him.

Status

Relationship Status

#Troll Bio #Tursio Feresa #MY BOY IS HERE AND UPDATED

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shadowsong26fic · 8 years ago

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Another Random AU Because Why Not

A couple months ago, I outlined a Heralds of Valdemar crossover/fusion/AU (which I’ve done some more Pondering on since then because it’s fun/hilarious). And then I did the Rabbit Hole AU, which was even more hilarious/fun.

Anyway, now that I’ve plugged my previous crack AUs, as you do, I have decided to outline another one! And for Reasons, it’s #10 on my List of Things I’ll Never Actually Write.

::ahem::

Without further ado, I present to you: Bail Organa Unfucks the Timeline

So, point the first (and this is an important one): Bail doesn’t know how he died.

I mean, he kiiiiiiiinda does? Like, the thought occurs (once he has a second to think, which takes a while, as we’ll see shortly). He knows what happened to Jedha, and possibly to Scarrif (which I can’t spell). But at the same time, there’s this sort of denial aspect to it. Like--even Tarkin would never.

(Also, he didn’t actually see the Death Star. He was not near a window/on the wrong side of the planet/something.)

So, he decides he had a stroke or something.

Point the second (also important): That whole ‘inform the Senate that all aboard were killed’ message? Never reached him. Because a) Alderaan had no actual Senator in place on Coruscant/Imperial Center/whatever the cool kids are calling it these days at the time to hear said message, and b) the Senate was dissolved like five minutes later so whichever of his friends drew the short straw on that one got a wee bit distracted.

All clear? Good! On to the fun stuff.

So, one minute, Bail is in his study, going over maps or supply routes or other war-preparation-y things with a trusted aide, and the next, he’s back on Christophsis.

More specifically, he is being tackled to one side by someone yelling “GET DOWN, SIR” just as something explodes over his head.

Which leads to: wait why is a stormtrooper tackling me wait how did a stormtrooper get into my study wait that helmet is twenty years out of date wait how did I get outside wait why is the sky the wrong color WAIT WHY IS THE SKY ON FIRE

Bail needs a minute.

And a drink.

(Why is he even on Christophsis while the sky is on fire? Is there actual canon explaining this? Do I care? ...probably not.)

In the interests of not, y’know, dying, Bail decides to just run with it for a while, until he has some breathing room and can figure out wtf is going on.

Bail is a very smart man.

Eventually, he gets his five minutes and comes to the conclusion that nope, this is not a dream, I am apparently back in the past, the War is in its early days. I can, quite possibly, fix things. Stop Palpatine. Save the Republic/Galaxy.

This seems like an excellent plan.

(NB: He is aware that doing this means losing his daughter--or at least his relationship with her/her as he raised her. And a part of him will always wish that...a part of him will always mourn her, and that world/life he lost. But this is the one thing that is worth that sacrifice. Plus, if he missed this chance, the Leia he raised would never forgive him. So a part of him is doing this for her. Giving her the galaxy she deserves, despite how much it costs him.)

The question then becomes...well, how?

He eventually decides to focus his work on the Senate, and try to limit Palpatine’s expansion/power/ascent as much--and as subtly--as he can.

Subtly because, well, he would very much like to not get caught and killed.

Not getting killed also seems like an excellent plan.

Also, pretty much no one is on to Palps yet. I mean, yeah, there are people side-eyeing him a little bit for holding on to/accumulating power the way he does, but what Chancellor hasn’t been accused of such things? And it’s not...it’s not like it will be two and a half/three years from now. And Bail cannot afford to alienate allies he will need later, depending on how successful he is/how long this takes.

Bail has been doing this for a while. He is not taking his success for granted. He is covering all his bases, just in case.

Fortunately, Bail has twenty years of running an underground resistance under his belt. This? This, he can do.

There are other problems too, of course. Like...the War is an actual thing that still needs to be resolved. But there’s not much Bail can personally do about it, not while Palpatine and Dooku are, between the two of them, derailing any attempts at negotiation. Apart from, of course, careful Senate maneuvering to remove Palps from power.

(He’ll figure out a way to deal with Dooku/Grievous/Etc. later. One problem at a time.)

Next question--who does he read in on all of this?

Breha, of course--she is his wife, and his partner. He needs her beside/behind him. Plus, it’s not exactly fair to her, to keep her in the dark about this. She’ll be expecting the husband she knows to come home to her, not a man made...let’s say incredibly cautious by twenty years of, essentially, espionage. To say nothing of the fact that he raised a child, and they’re still--trying. There’s a lot of emotional baggage there, too. They’ll make it work, somehow, he knows they will--but she needs to know. She deserves the truth from him, no matter how hard it is for him to explain/how hard it is for her to hear.

(Look, I have a lot of FEELINGS about Bail and Breha’s relationship. Even though I kind of ship him and Obi-Wan [for which I mostly blame Reprise, despite the fact that said fic doesn’t actually ship them], if I ever wrote something with the two of them together [as I might in this fic, and sort of am in one other though that one it may never actually come up on page], it would be with Breha’s full knowledge and consent. ...end random tangent, sorry.)

As for everyone else...he decides to wait and see, feeling people out as likely possibilities. Just like he and Mon did for twenty years, building the Alliance. Only this time, the barometer is more “who will believe me” as opposed to “who won’t betray me.”

(He’s aware that Obi-Wan and Padme should be pretty high up on that list but--hell, where does he even start?)

(He decides to shelve that problem for now. He’ll tell them when the time is right. ...hopefully, he’ll know when that time arrives.)

And now, the moment I’m sure you’ve been waiting for--how do we approach the whole Darth Vader issue?

You thought I’d forgotten about it, didn’t you.

(I didn’t.)

(Neither did Bail)

Okay, so, the problem, as he sees it, is that he’s...not exactly in a position to intervene.

He had no real personal connection with Anakin the first time around.

Sure, they worked together on occasion, and their relationship was certainly cordial when they did, and of course they had a mutual friend or two, but all their interactions were fairly distant/professional.

Besides, while he can extrapolate/guess a fair amount of what happened (and, more important, how/why it happened), he has no actual knowledge/frame of reference for how accurate his guesses are. (Because, LBR, even Obi-Wan might not know the full story, though he’s at least guessed almost all of it, and even if he did, he wasn’t exactly talking about it in the five minutes they were working out what to do with the twins, etc.) And if he’s wrong, he might well make things worse.

The second problem is that he has no idea how he’ll feel about/react to meeting Anakin again, given that basically the only real context he has here is the future he lived and is now trying to avert. He figures there’s two ways its likely to go:

Option one, nightmare scenario: He meets General Skywalker, and all he sees is Vader. This is...nooooot exactly very productive/conducive to him getting done what he needs to get done. In this case, Bail will avoid him as much as possible, and try to find a way to tip off Padme and/or Obi-Wan.

Option two, acceptable scenario: He meets General Skywalker, and there is a total disconnect between the person he is now and the monster he could become (did become? might become? time travel is weird). In this case, Bail will keep things more or less as they were last time; and focus on derailing Palpatine and fixing the problems in the Senate, and hope that that makes a difference.

And he’ll try to find a way to tip off Obi-Wan and/or Padme. Bail ain’t stupid.

Of course, there are two major factors here that Bail hasn’t considered.

For starters, he’d forgotten how young Anakin was.

True, some of the other Jedi Generals weren’t all that much older (to say nothing of the Padawan Commanders), and he knows there were too-young soldiers in the Alliance, too, but at the same time...

It hadn’t stuck out to him all that much the first time--maybe because it, unfortunately, wasn’t unusual/was just How Things Worked, and his personal context had been of course different, as he’d been significantly younger himself. But, despite that and the continued youth of the Rebellion... Look, dropping back into the GAR now, and seeing this twenty-year-old kid put in these situations is another thing entirely when one is on the far side of sixty (mentally, at least) and all too recently had a child his age.

ON A RELATED NOTE, major factor the second: Bail hadn’t realized just how much like Leia Anakin was.

So, when they finally do meet, Bail starts noticing all kinds of little details--a certain insouciant little smirk, a particular defiant lift to his chin, a familiar inability (equal parts endearing, alarming, and incredibly frustrating) to keep from mouthing off...

So...all of this basically means that, when Bail encounters Anakin, every instinctive Papa Wolf fiber of his being says, “This is my child now. Fight me.”

(well, not so much “fight me.”)

(Bail isn’t really a “fight me” sort of dude.)

(But you get the point.)

So now, Bail has to add ‘bond with Anakin Skywalker and help keep him sane’ to his increasingly-daunting to-do list.

This actually turns out to be...not as difficult as he expected?

(the first half, anyway)

Because, yeah, there’s a bit of a shaky start because Anakin Does Not Like politicians

(unless they’re from Naboo)

(and their name starts with Pa)

But once he works his way past that, it’s--Anakin likes having friends, he wants to like people, and he wants people to like him. Making Friends not his superpower, like it is with Luke, but it’s actually pretty easy to win his affection and respect, if you just reach out to him a little.

(thinking of that one meta post that was going around a couple days ago, about the bit with Ki-Adi Mundi at the Second Battle of Geonosis, talking about how--you know Another Friend in the Order, and then Obi-Wan says it’s a rare thing and look at how it wasn’t actually that hard for Mundi and--anyway, that sort of thing, y’know?)

So, Bail reaches out, and makes friends.

(Good Lord, he thinks, does this kid need a dad. Obi-Wan was that, and did very well, for a while at least, but he’s too thoroughly made the transition to ‘brother’ since the war started and Anakin was Knighted to fill that need.)

(You know what else he needs? is the next thought, as Anakin runs off into unnecessary danger AGAIN. A goddamn leash.)

So, we’re still pretty early in the War, and things start to shift a little bit.

Only a little bit, and fairly subtle. Bail is, after all, used to playing a long game with limited resources and everything to lose.

He worries, sometimes, that he’s moving too slowly in the Senate, but it’s such a delicate balance, if he upsets it...

But he is making progress. ...glacial, minuscule progress, but the galaxy is on a somewhat better path this time around. Palpatine finds things just a little bit harder this time around. Maybe that’ll be enough, and all the little changes will add up. That’s what Bail’s hoping for.

Unfortunately, this is Palpatine, and he has backup plans for his backup plans, and is course-correcting rather nicely.

Fortunately, that means Bail isn’t quite annoying enough to get offed.

Bail is also gradually working people into his network. Mon and Bel Iblis, to start; a few others. He decides against telling anyone he’s from the future. Compartmentalizing is better. Safer.

He involves Padme, too, of course; while he’s still not quite ready/able to approach telling her the full truth (though he knows he can’t get away with half-measures like he can with the others), her support is invaluable. He’s keeping track of what she notices and when, with regard to Palpatine’s machinations. While she is starting to waver a little, she still mostly trusts her former adviser; and Bail knows that she’ll have to decide not to on her own. All he can do is nudge her in the right direction, when he has the opportunity to do so.

He’s also gathering evidence, so that when he finally makes a bold, public strike, he’ll be able to back it up and the Republic will survive the blow to morale and the power vacuum that will inevitably ensue.

Anakin, actually, becomes a bigger change. Because while Bail has become an expert in slow, subtle progress that you don’t notice until it punches you in the face five years later, Anakin is....not.

Also, this is, like, the best year of his life. Even in the original timeline. He has a job he’s good at, he has his wife, he has his brother, he has his sister, he (at least thinks) he has a father figure in Palpatine...

And this time, he also has Bail.

Which means a confidant outside the Order, who is Not Palptaine. Who is, in fact, a very good counterweight for Palpatine because they’re both playing on the same emotional needs.

But Bail, of course, actually genuinely has Anakin’s best interests at heart.

So, Palpatine is starting to notice that Anakin is...worryingly stable. That will never do.

So, he pushes a little bit harder than he did, this early on, in the other timeline.

Not enough to make Anakin notice, of course.

(Smart as he is, Anakin is also really really dumb about some things)

But enough that when someone finally points out that, hey, Palpatine is sort of sketchy, he won’t be quite as resistant to the notion.

Because he feels--unsettled, more often than not, after meeting with Palpatine. And he tells himself it’s just because of the problems the Chancellor is pointing out to him. He convinces himself that’s all, but each time--it’s maybe just a tiny bit harder to believe.

(Strangely enough, although sometimes he and Senator Organa talk about similar things--his issues with the Council, etc.--he never leaves those conversations feeling like this...)

All of this comes to a head--oh, we’ll say about a year later.

Not much has really changed (at least in the parts of the story we, the audience, see) other than Bail is a little more integrated/involved with Our Heroes than in canon. Basically, it’s not just Padme he follows down to the docks with a sidearm to keep her from getting herself killed.

(Side note: he also would very much like to take Ahsoka home and just keep her. BAIL ORGANA IS ADOPTING ALL OF THESE KIDS AND KEEPING THEM SAFE FROM PALPATINE AND HIS SCHEMES, OKAY.)

Anyway. Bail eventually comes forward and tells Anakin--pretty much everything.

This occurs under suitably melodramatic circumstances--i.e., Anakin was playing security/escort for something Bail was doing, and they crash and are stranded together for a few days, or something. Because while Bail is like the chillest dude ever, Anakin attracts more than enough Drama to make up for that.

He’s like a Melodrama Magnet.

Also, them being stranded means Anakin can’t ragequit the conversation, losing all the ground Bail has gained over the last year.

This covers a lot of ground--even though Bail tries to stick to just what he knows is true.

But this is damning enough.

But Anakin needs to know.

“I’m doing this,” he says, “for our daughter.”

“Our daughter,” Anakin repeats.

And then Bail tells him about her. All the things he’s wanted to say this whole year but couldn’t--because it would hurt Breha too much, and who else could he confide in about the daughter he lost?

BASICALLY ALL OF THE LEIA FEELS BECAUSE HER DADS. JUST. HER DADS.

It is a long, difficult conversation, but Anakin--Anakin is not yet so unstable that he won’t listen. And Bail is his friend, someone he trusts. And he--knows there is darkness in him, he remembers what he did in the wake of his mother’s death, and he knows the truth of what Bail is telling him.

“It’s not you,” Bail says. “Not yet. And it doesn’t have to be. We can fix this, before it goes too far. I can’t solve these problems for you, but I can help. I want to help.”

(And he finds a way to shut down that insecure voice in the back of Anakin’s head that doubts Bail’s friendship for a minute there, because he can see those wheels turning, and he knows Anakin well enough by now to guess at those particular cracks in his psyche.)

(Quick note: I did say that this Bail tells Anakin almost everything--but he does leave Luke out of the conversation. As I mentioned before, he’s too cautious not to hedge his bets.)

Another thing Bail does not do is he does not--specifically implicate Palpatine, because he doesn’t know how far Anakin has drifted away from the Chancellor’s influence and doesn’t want to risk a denial-induced overcompensation reaction, where he falls even deeper under the Sith Lord’s shadow.

(but Anakin, while being kind of dumb, is also a very smart man. And he knows that the list of people who have that level of influence on both him and galactic politics as a whole is a very short one.)

They come out of this with the whole--idea, that Bail genuinely trusts Anakin’s abilities, and trusts him to help and do the right thing, and Anakin can come to him for help/perspective when it all gets to be too much, emotionally speaking, without worrying about disappointing him to the point where Bail will abandon him/not want to be his friend anymore.

(Because Bail has seen the worst he could possibly be. As long as Anakin doesn’t go that far...)

After a day or so, they get picked up from wherever they were stranded. Probably by Obi-Wan, who can tell that Something Important happened. But Anakin is being quiet, and Bail deftly changes the subject.

And then they get back to Coruscant, and a different kind of hell breaks loose.

Because Bail made a very slight, but very important miscalculation--Anakin and Leia are a lot alike, in how they approach problems, in how they view the world, in that they both operate from a fairly black-and-white way of thinking--there’s another meta post I’ve read I’m going to reference, talking about how Anakin and Leia are Justice, while Luke and Padme are Mercy.

But Leia has the advantage of a stable childhood. And a certain amount of common sense. These temper those instincts, and help her rein herself in until the time is right. Anakin...not so much.

So, Anakin, once he’s through with his preliminary debrief at the Temple, goes to confront Palpatine, about everything Bail told him, and everything he figured out from there.

(He manages to protect Bail through this, and everything that will come after--he had a vision, he tells his false friend; so convincingly that even Darth Sidious believes.)

Some time later, Bail gets a call from Obi-Wan.

“Have you heard from Anakin? I can’t reach him. Neither can Ahsoka, and he usually doesn’t duck her calls. You’re his friend, I thought, perhaps...”

Bail has a Bad Feeling(tm) about this.

Because Padme hasn’t heard from him, either.

“He’s probably racing,” Obi-Wan says, but the doubt shines clear in his voice. “He’ll be back soon, I’m sure...”

Bail takes a deep breath, because here’s another incredibly difficult conversation he’s been putting off for a year.

It’s time to read Obi-Wan--and Padme--in. On everything, just like he did with Anakin.

...that’s about as far as I have planned out in detail. But there will be a Rescue Mission, and Palpatine will end up Very Very Dead, and life will be--good. The Republic will stabilize, and Bail and Padme and Mon and their allies will fix the problems that Palpatine found and exacerbated there. And the Order will survive and adapt, becoming a little more flexible as it moves forward into a new golden age.

And while a part of Bail still mourns the good parts of his other life, he and Breha will eventually adopt another little girl, as they discussed; and Anakin will practically be his son anyway; and he will watch Leia grow up again, in a peaceful galaxy, the one she has always deserved, and he will be very pleased with what he accomplished.

#shadowsong26fic #shadowsong writes star wars #things shadowsong will never actually write #au outlines for the win

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nyerus · 8 years ago

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In Regards to Hate: On Victuuri

I don’t know what suddenly happened again but there’s a shitton of hate for Victuuri/Viktuuri(/etc) in the tags lately. People are welcome to feel however they want for a particular ship, but I just wanted to give my two cents by tackling the common complaints I’ve seen. I’ll start from the beginning so I’ll be addressing basically all the arguments against this ship I’ve seen so far. I’ve tried to maintain some sort of order for these, but honestly I just winged it at some point. A lot of these arguments are also heavily character-based, so keep in mind that I’ll be deconstructing several scenes as well as character motivations as I go. (As a note, this assumes you’ve seen the whole show. Also, I’m only using canon evidence from the show itself.)

This is like an informal follow-up to my super old post but also not really.

No I’m not avoiding work why would you say that.

WARNING: This is a massive post/wall of text. Grab popcorn.

1.) “Victor shows up naked at Yuuri’s home and continues to be uncomfortably forward with him.”

First let’s all remember that Yuuri’s family runs an onsen. People are naked in onsens. Very naked. That’s how hot springs generally work. And Yuuri is probably extremely used to nudity, which in and of itself is treated with less shock in Asian culture than it is in most western countries. Not to mention that Victor is unashamedly proud of his body. Also… in hindsight, we sort of understand why Victor was so forward with Yuuri. It’s because the last time they met, Yuuri grinded against him, nearly naked, after pole dancing. Then they proceeded to have this lovely dance together that basically changed Victor’s entire life. Victor genuinely thought that Yuuri remembered at least part of the banquet and just sort of cuts straight to the chase of “hey let’s get to know each other, personally *wink wink*” because he assumes that they’re past formalities by this point. When he sees that Yuuri is super shy and uncomfortable with this, Victor quickly changes gears. From the moment he realizes what Yuuri’s boundaries are, he never oversteps. All physical contact he initiates from then on is reciprocated or welcome (even if Yuuri is bashful about it).

2.) “Victor fat-shames Yuuri and never apologizes.”

People have already gone over this but as a competitive figure skater, Yuuri could not afford to be at the weight he was in episode one. It was dangerous, plain and simple. As someone who works in the medical field, I can’t understate how big of an impact weight has on joints in something like figure skating. Especially given how jumps are a major part of every routine, and landing those at a reasonable weight itself is rough on joints. (Not to mention, getting height for your jumps would also be more difficult.) As for people who’ll no doubt say “but Yuuri managed to do all the jumps in Victor’s FS perfectly at that weight”: no, he probably didn’t. We know from established canon that at that point, Yuuri could not yet reliably land a Quad Flip—which was the second jump in Victor’s FS. So even with just that information we can safely infer that Yuuri probably turned the Quads into Triples (or even Doubles). When Yuuko praised him on his perfect copy of the routine, she was probably telling him how he nailed the choreography as a whole—which in itself was hellishly difficult.

Victor is not the only person who points out Yuuri’s weight, as it’s Minako who first criticizes him for it. It’s not just an aesthetic thing. More so than his weight, Yuuri is out of shape. (He’s not able to run as far as he later is, etc.) And Yuuri himself knows this—he starts working out even before Victor shows up in Japan. Victor urging Yuuri to lose the weight is not abusive or fat-shaming, it’s just him giving Yuuri professional advice. Is it tactless and a little mean? Yeah it definitely is, but Victor is sometimes extremely blunt. More on this below.

3.) “Victor calls Yuuri ‘little piggy’ which is mean.”

I can’t really argue with ya there in that it was kind of mean. But just to clarify, the phrase he uses is “Kobuta-chan” which is oddly endearing and less “little piggy” and more “piglet” which has a different connotation entirely. Also the nickname is obviously not random because Yuuri’s favorite dish is a Pork Cutlet Bowl (which was the main culprit behind his weight gain). Like, that was the entire joke. It was based on katsudon. That was the whole point.

But anyway, Victor used the nickname for like one episode. Between episode two and three. After that he only ever refers to Yuuri by his given name, nothing else. It didn’t hurt Yuuri’s feelings, either, and we know Victor cared about Yuuri’s weight only in terms of figure skating.

Victor can be an asshole sometimes, and that much is true. But he’s not ever intentionally cruel for the sake of being hurtful.

4.) “There’s an inherent power imbalance because Yuuri’s idolized Victor for so long and now Victor is his coach.”

One of the major points of their entire relationship is the balance of power between them. First let’s examine the Victor-->Yuuri dynamic. At no point in time does Victor think of Yuuri as anything less than an equal. He never talks down to him, never belittles him, never makes him feel weak or lesser. Nor does Victor ever abuse Yuuri’s self-esteem issues; instead helping Yuuri seeing that he’s worth so much more than he realizes. He never uses his “power” over Yuuri to get his way like he probably easily could have. He knows that Yuuri’s idolized him for years, but he’s Victor Nikiforov. Everyone idolizes him. He’s a goddamn living legend, a Russian hero. Honestly, when this show first started, I was worried we’d get a weird hero-worship based relationship and the very thought of that made me super uncomfortable, but that entire trope was so masterfully subverted. In fact, Victor’s been pining over him for months before the two of them meet in earnest. Victor is enamored with Yuuri both as person and as a skater. It wasn’t just a really elaborate booty call. He was incredibly impressed with Yuuri’s skill and decided that he could help him, all the while trying to find his own inspiration again. It’s a symbiotic relationship.

Now the Yuuri-->Victor dynamic is a little more complex because it takes Yuuri time to get over his hero-worship stage. But he does. He completely does, and that’s a very important milestone in their relationship. By the end of episode four, he’s stopped seeing Victor as this God-like being and instead starts seeing him as a person. The change in their dynamic is instantly clear. Yuuri becomes a hundred times more comfortable around Victor as soon as he realizes that Victor—another human being with human fears like aging and male pattern baldness—is someone who’s going to meet him in the middle. (Interestingly, after the beach scene in episode 4, Yuuri uses more informal language with Victor instead, like how he does with his family. Beforehand, he always used very polite language only. This is a little bit lost in translation, but is actually really important. It shows how comfortable he’s become around Victor.) Yuuri’s infatuation turns into real love because he’s found someone who is patient with him, who doesn’t intrude upon his heart or his feelings, but pushes him to be better every day. And it’s important to note here that Yuuri never allows Victor to think of him of anything less than an equal. He calls Victor out on his bullshit, especially showcased in episode seven, where he yells at Victor in the parking garage and later when he roasts Victor in his head for the entire first half of his Free Skate. “Victor no baka!” is an important line, guys.

Victor and Yuuri are both consenting adults and Yuuri’s career does not depend on Victor. He can very well drop Victor and get a new coach if he wanted. (Let’s remember that he’s Japan’s #1 Figure Skater—there will be no shortage of people ready to be his coach, regardless of when it is in the season. And funnily enough, they would all probably be more qualified to do this than Victor is.) Yuuri is under zero obligations here.

5.) “Their relationship moved unrealistically fast with little development.”

See, the problem with a 12-episode anime that isn’t actually about their relationship but about Yuuri’s Figure Skating career is that we’re not going to get very much screentime for relationship development. After all, it’s a sports anime and not a romance. We need to read between the lines a lot because even when the writers want to give us more, they simply cannot (e.g. how they wanted to give us the beach date scene but couldn’t, and had to stick those stills in the ED instead). Victor and Yuuri’s relationship did not move at some whirlwind pace that people make it out to be. There’s like an eight month gap between when Victor shows up in Hasetsu and when they get engaged in Barcelona. Granted, it’s not a whole lot of time, but I know people who’ve gotten married in faaaaaarrr less time than that. But for those eight months (most of which we are NOT privy to, because it takes place off-screen), the two of them are together every day. There’s going to be a lot of development happening there, and we see clear evidence of it. For example, the two of them are EXTREMELY comfortable with physical contact from episode six onwards. Let’s take a moment to remember what happened in the previous episode. Yes, that lip balm scene. But also? Yuuri’s speech on live television. Between episodes 5 and 6 there’s about a month and a half gap where the two of them have gotten very comfortable with each other, probably aware that there’s mutual attraction. Their relationship is actually moving at a reasonable pace, all things considered. And honestly? Every relationship is different. It depends on the people involved in that relationship and how comfortable they feel with how it’s progressing. It’s not like there’s some guidelines like “must attain quota of 17 lunch dates before frick fracking” or something. No one gets to dictate the terms of someone else’s relationship. That’s silly.

6.) “It’s abusive for Victor to stipulate that they’ll only get married if Yuuri’s wins gold.”

Look, we know that Victor is very clearly romantically interested in Yuuri and had no real intention to cockblock(/weddingblock) himself. If anything, he meant it as a motivation for Yuuri to do his best and also in a teasing manner. It’s a way of Victor showing how much faith he has in Yuuri, that he’ll snag that gold medal. (After all, what Yuuri asks of him is his full faith and support in him, and this is another way of Victor taking that request to heart. He doesn’t even entertain the idea of Yuuri losing—in his head, Yuuri’s going to win, plain and simple.) Yuuri’s shock to the announcement was due to the fact that he was just put on the spot in front of his competitors, all who want to win too—not that he was uncomfortable at Victor’s “ultimatum.” If that were the case, the rings would not be treated with such attention and importance in the following episodes. Yuuri very clearly holds their rings in high regard, emotionally speaking.

7.) “They’re not actually engaged.”

Listen, I’m very close with a few of my friends but I’ve never bought 800€ gold wedding rings to be exchanged in front of a famous basilica with a choir singing in the background following a romantic shopping date. Yuuri says that they’re good luck charms (“omamori” actually, which are a bit more than just good luck charms in Japan—but like a spell or a wish, too; though traditionally they are a specific type of amulet) to thank Victor for everything, but Yuuri very specifically chose those rings and chose to give it to Victor in front of a church. Where people get married. He could have done it anywhere, casually, like outside the shop or back in their hotel room. But he decided to do it there, blushing the entire time. It means Yuuri was very aware of what he was doing and what he WANTED, even if he was too afraid to say it aloud. And Yuuri is very much the type of person who would be afraid to straight-up propose to Victor because of his own self-esteem issues and also the fact that he isn’t sure of Victor’s plans post-GPF. Yuuri is not good with his words, but he is far clearer with his actions. It’s a key facet of his personality. Here, by giving Victor a gold ring in front of a church, he’s made his intentions known in a very Yuuri-like way. And Victor understood. He has always let Yuuri set the pace in the relationship, he never pushes too hard, so him “accepting” Yuuri’s “good luck charm” is him meeting Yuuri in the middle. And when he slips the other ring on Yuuri’s finger, Yuuri is clearly surprised. He’s overjoyed when he smiles back at Victor because he knows that Victor wants to be with him.

But okay, fine. Let’s leave that. Let’s go to the scene in the restaurant where Victor says in PLAIN WORDS that they’re engaged. He literally says the words “engagement rings.” It’s even partly in English so it can’t be mistaken for anything else. Yuuri freaks out when Phichit announces that they got married because, well, they didn’t get married. But Yuuri never, ever denies their engagement. (Neither does Victor, of course. No one does, in the show.)

Also an interesting point I have to bring up: Yurio. He asks Victor at the beach why he’s “so damn happy to be looking after that damn pig”—meaning Yuuri, of course. Looking after him??? What, like just bros??? For like, the rest of their lives??? Just in a totally bro way??? Clearly not. The entire conversation at the beach was Yurio being super pissed off that this could possibly mean that both Victor and Yuuri meant to retire after this season and would run off to get married and settle down. We see how much both Victor and Yuuri mean to Yurio, so he’s very clearly upset at the idea that he might never see either of them on the ice again after this. (And he’s basically like “well fine if you’re going to leave then just leave already” because #AngstyTeen.)

I also feel like a lot of these doubts stem from the fact that the way a western audience perceives such a relationship is inherently different than a Japanese audience. But in a lot of Japanese shows (and Asian shows in general), even when there’s a heterosexual couple, there is often no inherent declaration of love or on-screen kiss. Same goes for other forms of media. Many times they will imply that the two characters are together and then do something like a time-skip showing them with their kids or having dinner together at their home/a fancy restaurant, further implying that they’re married. And you know what? In these situations, no one ever questions the legitimacy of that het couple’s relationship. I know many people are scared of being queerbaited—and I’ll be honest, there’s a part of me deep down that always lives in fear of this because of how often we’ve been scorned—but I want everyone to keep in mind these cultural differences. (Furthermore, as someone living in South Asia right now and who watches Asian shows, I can re-iterate that things like on-screen kisses are SUPER rare (yes, between het couples). They’re on the level of being scandalous and not so long ago, they were literally illegal here.)

(*And a slight spoiler here for the video game Final Fantasy X, to help me illustrate my point about cultural differences (I’ve seen other people mention this and am essentially using it myself, but cannot remember specific blogs—sorry!): in the English/International release of the game, the main female character Yuna tells her love interest (the main male character, Tidus) “I love you” at the end. HOWEVER, in the original Japanese version, Yuna says “thank you.” The phrase “I love you” is never uttered in that entire game, yet Yuna and Tidus’ relationship is never questioned. Not once.)

I know we want explicit confirmation and I know why that’s important (and that it’s also important to discuss this and demand better from creators) but let’s not outright dismiss what we got so far. But ah, we could spend years talking about this one thing and others have already done it, so I’ll finally move on.

8.) “They have so many communication issues.”

I agree with “they have communication issues” but not the “so many” part. People against this pairing seem to be under the impression that they constantly miscommunicate and I have no idea where that stems from. They’ve had two big failures in communications (episode 7’s garage scene and episode 11’s hotel room scene) and sometimes they may not be on the same page in terms of their relationship, but they actually do remarkably well. Remarkable because both of them are both actually quite terrible at communication in general. I’m going to heavily break down both of those aforementioned scenes so we can discuss what exactly happened.

We know that Victor has never had any serious relationship in his life. He admits himself that for the last twenty years, he’s basically ignored both life and love. So he has very little experience in comforting someone else—because he’s just never had to do something like that. He doesn’t know how to handle Yuuri’s anxiety because it’s not a problem he is familiar with, and while he knows that Yuuri has anxiety, it’s never manifested this intensely before. So it’s no wonder he’s at a loss for what to do. He does what he can: making sure Yuuri gets a little bit of sleep, advising that he not to any jumps during warm-up, not berating him when he does those jumps anyway and instead being calm and supportive, and taking Yuuri away from other people when he sees it’s detrimental. When nothing, absolutely nothing seems to work, Victor becomes desperate. He decides to try something out of left field that will hopefully jerk Yuuri out of his self-destructive state. And thus the infamous “if you miss the podium I’ll take responsibility and resign as your coach” speech. And I want to point out that Victor very specifically says “I’ll take responsibility.” As in, “I’ll attribute it to myself.” While this is actually somewhat noble of Victor to avoid ever placing blame on Yuuri directly, it actually only makes matters worse. This is because we know that what Yuuri’s primarily afraid of is not messing up, but messing up and having it reflect badly on Victor. He cannot bear the thought of people talking ill about Victor—someone he loves very dearly—and while Victor was trying to be as gentle as possible while, well, shattering Yuuri’s heart, it ends up backfiring doubly because of this.

The last thing Yuuri wants is to drag Victor’s name through the mud and the idea that Victor would do that himself, if Yuuri messes up, is horrible. Never mind the very idea that Victor would leave. (Though, of course, Victor actually never says this either—only that he’d resign as Yuuri’s coach, not that he would straight-up leave Yuuri; though since Yuuri doesn’t know the full extent of Victor’s feelings for him, he assumes that Victor quitting as his coach would also include him leaving Hasetsu altogether.) And of course, Victor doesn’t mean any of this. This is probably how he was motivated by his coaches (and seeing as he’s new to coaching, he’s probably taking ques from them) so he figures, hey, since nothing else is working, maybe shocking Yuuri out of his funk will do the trick. It absolutely does not do the trick and Yuuri ends up bawling his eyes out—but not at the prospect of Victor leaving. No, he’s furious that Victor would say something like that. Victor backs down IMMEDIATELY. He doesn’t try to justify himself, he doesn’t try to give any sort of explanation or defend himself. He just apologizes because he knows he fucked up. This is more than most people do in an argument. And not only does Victor apologize, he takes this to heart. He never, ever pulls something like this again. He actively changes his behavior. This is so important.

And now, since neither of them are very good with words, their official “make up” doesn’t happen there, even if Yuuri wasn’t actively mad at Victor after the fact. But he didn’t know how to express that and Victor probably felt like he was walking on eggshells at that point so he smartly kept his mouth shut. Still, Yuuri knows its important to communicate that he isn’t angry at him. So what does he do? The head boop. It’s a clear throwback to episode 4—the scene that showed that Yuuri was coming out of his shell and impulsively acted upon realizing that Victor was a normal, human person with his own fears and insecurities. And this is Yuuri’s way of essentially rubbing that in, in an affectionate way. Saying “You’re an idiot, but you’re my idiot.” (By the way, this is the final step of Yuuri letting go of his idolization of Victor and fully coming to see him as a normal guy with his own shortcomings.) And if Victor had any doubts of Yuuri forgiving him, Yuuri does the Quad Flip at the end of his routine to signify that yes, you’re forgiven (and also I will surpass your wildest imagination, among other things). They didn’t have to implicitly say “I’m sorry”/”I forgive you”/etc. It was all made crystal clear in the one way they always communicate freely in: skating.

Coming to episode 11…. Yuuri, being the nervous ball of anxiety he is, often has moments of intense self-doubt. Often times he thinks “what does Victor see in me” throughout the show and is quick to become disappointed in himself. This is what happens in episode 11. Yuuri doesn’t do as well as he wanted to in his Free Skate, causing his anxiety to kick up to 100. But Yuuri doesn’t say anything about it. He doesn’t tell Victor what he’s feeling or what he’s afraid of. So Victor has no way of understanding what’s going through Yuuri’s head and reassuring him that everything will be just fine, regardless. After his own lackluster performance, Yuuri sees that Victor is watching other skaters and assumes that Victor wants to go back to skating. And sure, while it does sort of spark that competitive spirit in Victor, his only concern at the moment is Yuuri. But Yuuri completely misunderstand Victor’s appreciation of other skater’s performances and jumps to conclusions because that’s what anxiety does. It takes an otherwise innocuous situation and twists it until you can only think of the worst-case scenario. To Yuuri, this is Victor leaving him behind to go back to Russia. And this is where it becomes a sort of double-whammy.

Despite his moments of confidence and delight at being the one who “stole Victor away from the world,” Yuuri suffers from an immense amount of self-doubt that tells him “you aren’t good enough.” He feels like he’s keeping Victor from doing something that he loves (skating) and after that lukewarm performance, he figures that maybe he’s not worth Victor’s time, coaching-wise. And he loves Victor enough to not want to hold him back anymore, either. He feels like he’s a burden and thus should cut Victor free and let him go. And after all, didn’t Victor say it was until the Grand Prix Finals anyway? But moreover, what Yuuri does at the end of episode 11 is a defensive tactic. He’s terrified at the prospect of Victor leaving him, yet he feels backed into a corner, so he decides to put distance between them in order to protect himself. (Remember Victor’s line from episode 10 about how when athletes feel pressured into a corner, they sometimes act unexpectedly? Foreshadowing.) Yuuri is giving Victor a way out, should he want it. It’s Yuuri’s way of minimizing the pain he thinks is inevitable.

But what Yuuri here doesn’t understand is that Victor is fully invested in their relationship. Victor’s shock makes this completely evident. He never for a moment entertained the idea of parting from Yuuri, especially not now. He just lived under the assumption that once the Grand Prix was over, they’d go onto Nationals and Worlds and so on. Victor had NO IDEA the turmoil that’s been plaguing Yuuri this entire time (who has honestly spent much of the show afraid that his time with Victor is limited—and that’s another reason the rings were so important to Yuuri; they were genuinely a wish he made of keeping them together). For Victor, skating doesn’t hold the same joy it once did for him. Without Yuuri there, it feels lackluster; he’s tired of feeling alone. I will argue that yes, Victor’s competitive spark was re-ignited by Yurio (and also Yuuri) breaking his world record, but Victor clearly values his relationship with Yuuri more than he does his skating.

Now, we don’t get to see the rest of what happens in that scene but they at least got to the point where they put it on hold until after the Finals—because it was obviously important that Yuuri focus on that, first and foremost. And what happens at the finals? At lot of things, really. The most important thing is that Yuuri’s Free Skate is his way of communicating to Victor what he feels. His skating says “do you see how much I love you?” and Victor—with tears in his eyes—understands. They communicate a lot through skating; that was the entire point of the Quad Flip as I mentioned before. It was a conversation between them. But now I’m veering off into poetic territory, so I’ll bring it back. Yuuri realizes here that he doesn’t want either his career or his relationship to end there. In the end, they not only decide to keep going—together—but also apparently have to redo whatever their initial plans were and move to St. Petersburg together because they can’t bear to be apart—and that much is confirmed canon.

Do they still have issues to work out after this? Absolutely. There will no doubt be more things that come up if we get more seasons. But Rome was not built in a day, people. And to expect a perfect relationship with zero miscommunication ever is highly unrealistic. That’s unhealthy. Even couples who have been married for decades and are on the same page regarding everything still have their squabbles now and then. You’re not always going to understand what your partner feels/thinks in a given moment unless you have telepathy, and you’re going to disagree over things. That’s just how it works. The most interesting part of Victor and Yuuri’s relationship is how genuine it feels, for these reasons.

***Now mentioning two additional points that are not strictly about Victuuri, but YoI as a whole***

9.) “Other shows have done representation better.”

I know other shows like No. 6 and Shin Sekai Yori (which are both based on pre-existing novels and not original works like Yuri!!! on Ice) have done things like show explicit kissing between two same-sex characters and should not be forgotten or dismissed, but “better” is a really subjective word. (*Spoiler alert*) In neither of those two shows do you get a queer couple that is happy and together by the end of the show. In No. 6, Shion and Nezumi part ways and we are never explicitly told if/when they reunite and if/when they officially get together. In Shin Sekai Yori, Shun is killed off and Satoru marries Saki, instead. (Though this in itself is not horrible, per se, the “Bury Your Gays” trope is so prevalent that I personally couldn’t help but grind my teeth at it.) However at the end of Yuri!!! on Ice, Victor and Yuuri are both alive, happy, engaged, and looking forward to a future together. Take this to mean what you will. Some people value an explicit romance even if it ends in tragedy more, but personally I prefer when my same-sex couples are alive and happy together for once.

And just to say it: even though other shows have been more explicit about homosexual or otherwise queer relationships, not all of them have handled it with the same level of respect they do with heterosexual relationships. More below.

10.) “Yuri on Ice doesn’t address homophobia, and thus Victor and Yuuri’s relationship is unrealistic.”

I for one am exhausted. Exhausted because so many shows featuring queer characters inadvertently turns into a struggle due to those characters’ identities. It becomes a part of the plotline (and often is the whole plotline) and while I think it’s incredibly important that we do have stories like this—because they’re especially important for young people who are finding themselves—it’s also important that we showcase a world in which equality exists and a character’s sexual orientation does not encompass their entire story; and in which they are allowed to have story arcs about literally anything else like their heterosexual counterparts. I was dreading this happening in YoI following the kiss, to be frank. I didn’t want to tune into the next episode and see homophobia of any sort. YoI was like a safe haven for me and so many others—a blanket you could wrap around yourself and find hope that one day, yes, the world will really be like that. It seems so wonderful and simple and liberating. I didn’t have to watch this show with a dark feeling in my gut, angry at the world. I could watch it feeling happy and light for once. I am so grateful that Yuuri and Victor’s relationship is treated the same way as a heterosexual relationship would be. No one makes snide comments, no one doubts their legitimacy, it’s never the butt of a joke, none of that nonsense occurs here. Normalizing same-sex relationships is an important step, especially when such a relationship aired for all to see in a country where gay marriage is not yet legal. (And also the fact that the relationship features an interracial couple who both come from conservative counties.)

There are no doubt a ton of things I’ve missed here and I’m not going to get into things like “YoI has poor animation” and “YoI didn’t deserve all the awards it got” because that’s not the point of this post—and this post is monstrous enough. Everyone, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But once you make your opinion public, you are inviting discussion. You can’t spout hate against something other people love and not expect to be challenged.

I know I’ve basically been preaching to the choir with this post, and thank you to everyone who’ve taken the time to read this or skim this. Hopefully it helps you organize your own thoughts. For dissenters who’ve read this post, thank you as well and I hope we can have some interesting discussions regarding Victuuri and Yuri!!! on Ice as a whole.

TLDR; Victor and Yuuri’s relationship is not picture-perfect, but that’s what makes it all the more compelling. It feels real and genuine because these characters feel real and genuine—flaws and all. If anyone has anything they want me to address specifically, please drop an ask or a message!

#victuuri #viktuuri #yuri on ice #yoi #yuri!!! on ice #victor nikiforov #viktor nikiforov #yuuri katsuki #yuri katsuki #katsuki yuuri #why are there still 2348209842 ways to tag everything in this fandom lmao #also i can't believe i took the time to actually do this #nyerus.txt #meta #i feel like i should go back and add pictures lmao

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garudabluffs · 8 years ago

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Neil deGrasse Tyson: Science Deniers In Power Are A Profound Threat To Democracy

“You don’t have the option to say you don’t believe E=mc2. It’s true whether or not you believe it.”

“And Tyson warns that every minute someone is in denial of a scientific truth delays the “political solution that should have been established years ago.” READ MORE http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/degrasse-tyson-science-deniers_us_58f99e89e4b06b9cb91572a1

enlightenment = the misery of suffering dukkha x the constant of delusions** compounded by cultural conditioning and self-sustaining eghost “I” “me” “mine” habitual sensibilities...

“Decay is inherent in all compound things. Strive on with mindfulness.” - Sidhartha Gautama. These are attributed to be the final words of Gautama

ALL DHARMAS are marked by EMPTINESS = all dharmas are impermanent, impersonal,multiple~&~mutually~formed arisings : multi~dualistic~expialidocious

** duality : what is / what is not.

time for meditation,but no money for food,lodging,instruction. Can’t afford to go on or even travel to retreat centers. Working has giving me the money, but no time-off... I’d rather be unemployed and working than meditating in my leisure time, when i should be earning money instead to pay for my living expenses. Having either/or and not what is/ what ought to be... as the situation incident event circumstance i happen to be in... interferes with my meditation, as my mind is pre-occupied with thoughts about how a sedentary occupation like meditation has no human social value. Dharma Zen teacher once interrupted sesshin to say out loud “ is this self-indulgence,or real zazen?” We all spoke afterward how we all thought he was talking about us, or admonishing us, or inspiring us. Years later i asked him about this highly unusual,unexpected, & unprecedented outburst, and he said he was thinking to himself, - - just so happened to be outspoken this one time.. when silence & stillness the ideal...

containers of Silly Putty i have that can’t be recycled and discursive thinking that the human mind generates continuously & continually are forms of matter all dharmas mark with emptiness- which- “Emptiness is not a mere emptiness, but rather fullness in which the distinctiveness of everything is thoroughly realized.” -MASAO ABE, Zen and the Modern World

EMPTINESS & DEPENDENT ORIGINATION READ MORE

http://www.advayavada.com/the-philosophy-of-emptiness/

“emptiness is a room with no room in it for the likes of its contents” j.f.

will only take credit if equally to blame; & if not forgiven then best forgotten . . . “IT is better to do nothing than to waste your time.” Steven Armstrong’s suggestion for entryway above Insight Meditation Center main hall,Barre,MA. <>guess it wasn’t what was in mind when inscription selected...<>

p.18 “...in E=mc2, “E’ stands for energy, “M” for mass,”C” for speed of light. As mass is not lost,it is turned into energy. E=mc2 gives the exchange rate. p. 68 It takes light from the Sun about 8 minutes & 20 seconds to travel the 93 million miles that separate the Sun from the Earth. That means if the Sun were to stop shining now,we’d know about that (rather big) problem in 8 min.&20 sec. It also means that,from the Earth,you will always see the Sun as it was 8 min.& 20 sec. ago. Never as it is NOW. The Sun that shines in the sky on a sunny day never really is as you see it when you see it.It isn’t even where you see it anymore. During the 8 min. & 20 sec. its light takes to reach your skin, the Sun moves by about 73,000 miles on its orbit around the centre of our galaxy. / Now, the furthest light that we have managed to detect in our universe has travelled for as much as 13.8 billion years before hitting our telescopes,straight from when the universe became transparent.” p. 67 Anytime a star shines,its light carries an image of itself. (at186,282.397 miles per second) p.76 “... the actual distance between faraway galaxies and us is growing all the time. It means that space stretches,and therefore grows on its own./ / It is the very emptiness of space that is being stretched. /// They call it the expansion of the universe.”p.81 In other words, it is the fabric of the universe that is expanding.” - from “The Universe In Your Hand: A Journey Through space,Time,and Beyond” , _Christophe Galfard, N.Y. Flatiron Press,2015,2016

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Rachael Leigh Cook was behind the original "your brain on drugs" ad. Her update shows how far we—and she—have come. April 21, 2017

http://www.alternet.org/drugs/remake-classic-your-brain-drugs-ad-slams-disastrous-drug-war

21 comments “It is a conundrum. Stop instigating and fighting wars in other countries and you get unemployed soldiers looking for jobs. Stop fighting the senseless war on drugs and you get maybe even more unemployed enforcement people, lawyers, court staff and prison personnel looking for work. From an unemployment perspective alone there is no way they will stop either of the war games.”

the WAR on DRUGS? “The refuge of the morally, intellectually, artistically and economically bankrupt is war.” ~Martin H. Fischer (1879–1962)

"Philosophy is at once the most sublime and the most trivial of human pursuits." - Willie James

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1363/why-did-william-sidis-the-worlds-2nd-smartest-human-achieve-so-little-in-life

“Robert M. Pirsig, author of the cult classic Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, who wrote about Sidis in his book Lila: An Inquiry Into Morals. He's now solidly ensconced in the pantheon of beings Too Smart for Their Own Good. Lord knows I've been there myself.” — Cecil Adams ]

The Moral Equivalent of War, the last public utterance of William James, is significant as expressing the opinions of a practical psychologist on a question of growing popular interest.

“Greek history is a panorama of jingoism and imperialism — war for war's sake, all the citizen's being warriors. It is horrible reading — because of the irrationality of it all — save for the purpose of making "history" — and the history is that of the utter ruin of a civilization in intellectual respects perhaps the highest the earth has ever seen.Those wars were purely piratical. Pride, gold, women, slaves excitement were their only motives. In the Peloponesian war, for example, the Athenians ask the inhabitants of Melos (the island where the "Venus de Milo" was found), hitherto neutral, to own their lordship. The envoys meet, and hold a debate which Thucydides gives in full, and which, for sweet reasonableness of form, would have satisfied Matthew Arnold. "The powerful exact what they can," said the Athenians, "and the weak grant what they must." When the Meleans say that sooner than be slaves they will appeal to the gods, the Athenians reply, "Of the gods we believe and of men we know that, by a law of their nature, wherever they can rule they will. This law was not made by us, and we are not the first to have acted upon it; we did but inherit it, and we know that you and all mankind, if you were as strong as we are, would do as we do. So much for the gods; we have told you why we expect to stand as high in their good opinion as you." Well, the Meleans still refused, and their town was taken. "The Athenians," Thucydides quietly says, "thereupon put to death all who were of military age and made slaves of the women and children. They then colonized the island, sending thither five hundred settlers of their own.Alexander's career was piracy pure and simple, nothing but an orgy of power and plunder, made romantic by the character of the hero. There was no rational purpose in it, and the moment he died his generals and governors attacked one another. The cruelty of those times is incredible. When Rome finally conquered Greece, Paulus Aemilius, was told by the Roman Senate, to reward his soldiers for their toil by "giving" them the old kingdom of Epirus. they sacked seventy cities and carried off one hundred and fifty thousand inhabitants as slaves. How many they killed I know not; but in Etolia they killed all the senators, five hundred and fifty in number. Brutus was "the noblest Roman of them all," but to reanimate his soldiers on the eve of Philippi he similarly promises to give them the cities of Sparta and Thessalonica to ravage, if they win the fight.” READ MORE http://www.constitution.org/wj/meow.htm

“when the last ammunition has been used in the fireworks that celebrate the final peace”

crime pays the wages of war crime pays the wages of war crime pays the title is derived from an American anti-war slogan from the hippie subculture during the Vietnam War era, popularized by Charlotte E. Keyes in her 1966 article for McCall's magazine titled "Suppose They Gave a War and No One Came".[2][3] a 1969 feature film.

“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” George Orwell

“My first wish is to see this plague of mankind, war, banished from the earth.” – George Washington

“War is only a cowardly escape from the problems of peace.” –THOMAS MANN

“To establish any mode to abolish war, however advantageous it might be to Nations, would be to take from such Government the most lucrative of its branches”.~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thomas Paine (1737-1809) English intellectual. “If you insist upon fighting to protect me, or ''our'' country, let it be understood soberly and rationally between us that you are fighting to gratify a sex instinct which I cannot share; to procure benefits which I have not shared and probably will not share.” Virginia Woolf (1882-1941) British novelist and essayist. “There are two things which will always be very difficult for a democratic nation: to start a war and to end it. “ Alexis de Tocqueville (1805-1889) French social philosopher. Anton Chekhov : “Artists and intellectuals must deal with politics insofar as is necessary to put up a defense against politics.” + “Writers and artists should should engage themselves in politics only to protect themselves from politics.” + + “The personal life of every individual is based on secrecy, and perhaps it is partly for that reason that civilized man is so anxious that personal privacy should be respected.”

#science #deniers #Your Brain On Drugs update

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scottmapess · 5 years ago

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BITCOIN HALVING CRAIG WRIGHT MARKET CRASH?!! USA STOCK MARKET CRASH TOMORROW!! CRYPTO NEWS!

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

With Bitcoins prize taking a nosedive last night and they’re only being 24 hours left till halving, what can we expect over the next 24 hour period and slightly beyond? How is Bitcoin’s price going to react to the halving event? Will it bump up in order to make the hash rate profitable again for miners overly crushing to oblivion as miners start capitulating? Coupled on top of this, we still have the issue of is Craig right, Satoshi or not? Now, I know that ninety-nine point nine percent of people on Earth believe that he isn’t including myself in that. But there is always that zero point zero one percent of people that do believe they could be an element of truth to it. And in today’s video, there is a complexity that has arisen in the Craig Wright case. I’m going to tell you about it’s regarding tax complexities of dumping two billion dollars worth of Bitcoin in a single sale. Other than that, we are going to look at the traditional market sector where the Dow Jones index is looking very, very Szekely. And like we’re finally going to get that jump that it’s been looking like it’s going to occur for an increasing amount of time. So if you are interested in crypto news, traditional news, market analysis, please make sure you have slept like on today’s video. Make sure that you are subscribed in less hill. Dubai’s in a VIP. Just Ryan Gosling eyes on me when I’m on a fun up in a weirdly styling. So starting out today’s video and it’s with a heavy heart that I say this, but yesterday’s market analysis was 100 percent correct. And this trade is now 400 percent in profit now have closed most of that at this point. However, I do believe Bitcoin is going to continue to blow. I think it looks at least like we’re gonna retest the eight thousand two hundred dollar level before ultimately breaking below 7900. To me, it’s looking like a very tempting level to retest all of the costs for the next 24 hour period. But we are going to get deeper into that in just a moment because there is actually some upside potential for Bitcoin with these larger market moves being made on the weekend. But again, I’m going to get into that in just a moment. You’re going to start today’s video by talking about Craig. Right, and the fund that Craig writes. Although we discussed this story yesterday about him filing a motion for summary judgment against IRA Kleinman, because this was done on a Friday, three days before Bitcoin halving would take place, it probably means that this motion for summary judgment will not be granted by Monday, meaning that he cannot abide by this statement that he made, saying that he’s giving long term advance notice to sell a large number of bitcoins. Not only that, but the Craig race Satoshi case is going to trial on July 6th, hence why he put forward this motion for summary judgment against IRA Climbing because he doesn’t want to go to Cox. It’s more than likely that he will lose is not the first time that this court case has been thrown out. Coupled on top of that, Craig has got a big old problem, which is regarding taxes, because the state tax in the US where this case is taking place is 40 percent, meaning that Craig would have to sell two billion dollars in order to pay the estate tax on the money that he owes to IRA Kleinman. I almost point out I do own a substantial amount of Bitcoin S.V. because just in case this is all true, I mean, in the very unlikely event that is true, Bitcoin ASV v will more than likely. And if there were to be a displacement of value between the two, then Bitcoin S.V. could well be like a ten thousand dollar coin and like a two days time. How incredible would that be? I mean, to be terrible for bitcoin, but I mean it ebby a weird situation to be in. I think it’s also important to bring up the fact that there’s been a lot of Bitcoin sent to exchanges recently. One of these transactions is very early in this transaction here. You’ll see that there were 90000 bitcoins sent to a different wallet address. And we if we trace these transactions down the line, we’ll see that these 90000 bitcoins ends up in a cold wallet here, of which thousand five hundred of those bitcoins were actually sent to an exchange. Now, there have been some quite significant speculation regarding the origin of these funds. And it is this Craig dumping his Bitcoin RTC via bit Phoenix because that would make sense, providing liquidity. Of course, nobody in their right mind would market sell Bitcoin to that extent on an exchange. Is Craig doing some backdoor dodgy dealings and in turn not dumping the price of Bitcoin? I’d like to know your thoughts on that in the comments section below. But as you can see here, the money actually arrived within this address here. And this is a bit Phoenix wallet address. People always talk about Bitcoin as the secret Internet money that’s so hidden and dodgy and drug dealers. It’s not the case. You can trace exactly where those coins have been throughout their entire existence. And so before we do today’s Bitcoin analysis, the first thing that I’m going to do is show you how the Dow Jones index and other traditional assets are performing and how we expect them to perform going into the new week. Looking at this chart here, you’ll see I’m not expecting the prices to perform particularly well. Now, this is partially due to news like this. American companies spent years in an economic boom and this thing hit. Can’t say that word, unfortunately. But if we go over to CMBS money economy page, then you’ll see that there is a lot of bad news all of a sudden. And you know what that means. That means that is more than likely that all the government officials are now out of their position on his. Time to resume the dump, because ultimately a lot of these major market moves are made by retail traders trading on derivatives exchanges and panic selling. So kind of expecting the panic selling to continue again next week with a mom expecting a huge jump in the Dow Jones index. Once it starts going, once he starts moving to the downside of his head and shoulders formation that is currently in. And once it breaks below around twenty-three thousand three hundred weeks, we’re going to start chugging downwards very, very quickly. A nice something to be deeply, deeply concerned about with regards to the FTSE 100 here in the UK. Same things happening with forming a gigantic bear flag right here. And we’re going to dump to the downside very, very shortly as the markets open on Monday morning and everything goes very, very wrong. And I don’t want it to happen. But part of me, the anarchist inside me. I mean, I love stuff like this. I love to see bankers losing money because we see it time and time again. And the market cycle for this seems to periodically speed open. You know, we see them messing around with finances. We see them lending money to people that can’t afford to borrow the money. And we can see that in the fact that people are now really struggling for money and they’ve all got loans to pay them, bills to pay. And no one can survive this amount of time without making a decent amount of money. And so with Donald Trump deregulating the financial sector and with Boris Johnson deregulated the financial sector and then going, oh, this is fantastic, the economy is going better than ever. There is one big problem with deregulation that is that you’re getting rid of regulations that were put in place in order to stop bad events from occurring. And yes, when you do that, you may create a short course, but ultimately it’s a bad thing. You put that regulation there in the first place, although it may slow things down, it keeps things safe. The people at the top of the food chain at the moment are so fiscally irresponsible if fiscally think is disgraceful. How do these people get in power in the first place? It boggles my mind. He does not know that his time to analyze Bitcoin’s price, which is now eight thousand four hundred fifty-three dollars. Now, where am I expecting Bitcoins price to go over the next 24 hour period before Bitcoin having a curse? Bitcoin is looking quite dumpy at the moment, but honestly, I would be quite surprised if Bitcoin broke below the seven thousand nine hundred dollar level. Yes, a dump does look quite inevitable at this point in time. And what we’re having right now is obviously just a dead cat. However, recently Bitcoins Bilqis from these minor dumps has been significant and it has been quite quick. And one of the biggest bullish factors for Bitcoin right now is looking at the CMA group’s exchange. You can see right here that the CMC gap is all the way up at ten thousand dollars, indicates you want to have some huge volatility over the next 24 hour period. The volatility of this is like a thousand dollars worth of volatile bitcoin could literally cause the CMU gap in the next couple of days, which wouldn’t be out of the ordinary pushing Bitcoin’s price all the way back up. So currently there are two scenarios for what could happen to Bitcoins price after halving has occurred. No one scenario would be that Bitcoin’s price rises to somewhere between 12 and sixteen thousand dollars, of which that would be profitable to mine Bitcoin at that moment in time. The other scenario would be that minus start capitulating, they all start turning off the high street starts to decrease massively and Bitcoin’s pricing turn starts to dump along with the miners that would have to sell their bitcoins that they’ve mined. And then you get into this whole spiral that we’ve been in many, many times in the past. This is what happened when we broke below six thousand dollars the first time around for Bitcoin. And if we get into that spiral, it’ll be very, very difficult to break out of it. And we could see two thousand dollar Bitcoin by the end of the year. Ultimately, I don’t feel like that is the most realistic scenario here. I think that the most realistic scenario here is we get a little bit of a shock dump. And I’m going to explain to you now with all the different timeframes, why I’m expecting Bitcoin to dump him, where I’m expecting to season support. So I’m expecting this shocked them to occur and I’m expecting it to occur at least two, you know, mid seven thousand, possibly as low as seven thousand one hundred dollars. But I’m not expecting to go that much below that. The reason for that being Bitcoin has value. Bitcoin’s value is around 7000 to 8000 dollars currently. That’s where I would personally put a person. I still think it’s overpriced at eight thousand four hundred dollars. However, on the one-hour time frame, Bitcoin’s price is looking quite nice, to be honest with the market. Just taking bullish to history. I’m just taking bullish on the RSI. Not looking too bad. I mean, he’s slightly oversold a little bit, but equally, you know, there’s room for recovery there. Looking at the four-hour chart, much the same. This, honestly, can you imagine it going much lower? I mean, yes, it’s perfectly plausible, but there is gonna be an element of recovery in between. You would expect is so interesting is this and the only way of knowing what is going to happen essentially is to make sure you trade with a stop loss. If we break below this level here and this is gonna be my analysis for the day for Bitcoin. If Bitcoin breaks below eight thousand one hundred dollars, I will be shorting Bitcoin till seven thousand eight hundred dollars. And if Bitcoin breaks below seven thousand four hundred dollars, then you can kind of expect Bitcoin’s price to resume trading at seven thousand one hundred dollars. If Bitcoin’s price Brigg’s back above nine thousand dollars, then I’m expecting Bitcoin to resume trading around the 10000 dollar range. Closing that CMC gap. Ultimately, there are only two scenarios that can happen here, but. The two is going to arise and we’re going to have some humungous volatility and I will be trading their hell out of this. Just yesterday, the largest trader on Betamax got liquidated for 20 million dollars of spot value. Bitcoin is going to be the first of many casualties. In fact, yesterday here, over a hundred million dollars worth of liquidations on BET. Max, make sure that you’re not trading during this pair of time with high leverage. You may notice that my short position I have opened here is a 25 X shot. The reason for that is air because the percentage looks much nicer and is quite high. But also it’s because when I open this trade, I open a fault. I was a forty thousand dollar short position that I opened at nine thousand eight hundred essentially, and I left 1000 just over 1000 dollars open to show you in today’s video the position that I had because it’s very difficult for me to articulate what trades I’m doing during videos, especially if I’ve got to open a trade for our video. So for me, it’s better to leave a very small proportion open and show you exactly what the result of yesterday’s video was. To gain a break below 8100 is going to yield. Some lower laws are least stopping around seven thousand seven hundred eighty-seven thousand eight hundred. And I do not note, guys, I really do hope you’ve enjoyed today’s video and takes positive away from it. And I hope you have like unsubscribed to the channel. So still not is a lot of people to watch. My videos aren’t actually subscribed. So make sure that you are a bunch of referral links in the description if you want to check any of them out. I really hope this doesn’t do too badly overnight. And the day after tomorrow is gonna be the day that I promised my trading tutorial. For those of you that are interested in that cause I won’t be posting it tomorrow because tomorrow will be Bitcoin halving day and that’s gonna get some volatility. I’ve got to talk about that. Have a great day. I love you. I appreciate it. This video is over now. You’ll find something else to watch. Just watch this video. I know we had a lot of fun, but you can’t stay on this handsfree forever.

source https://www.cryptosharks.net/bitcoin-halving-craig-wright-market-crash/ source https://cryptosharks1.blogspot.com/2020/05/bitcoin-halving-craig-wright-market.html

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jeffrmayhugh · 5 years ago

Text

BITCOIN HALVING CRAIG WRIGHT MARKET CRASH?!! USA STOCK MARKET CRASH TOMORROW!! CRYPTO NEWS!

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

source https://www.cryptosharks.net/bitcoin-halving-craig-wright-market-crash/ source https://cryptosharks1.tumblr.com/post/617990832524591104

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