#it’s so easy. y’know? and you don’t get to use the ‘i’m from a conservative state so what’s the matter’ card when taylor herself

[an-ivy-covered-summer]

maybe i’m just too old and tired of lame extremists who want to make the world burn to prove a point on how they’re holier than everybody else and actually don’t get anything done, but the “both sides are the same” discourse really irks me and rubs me in the worst way possible. especially when you have gained such a wide platform from which you could do a lot of good, and even more so when you’re part of communities that are at the highest levels of risk if one specific party wins. both parties are NOT the same, and to say that is just… it’s just incendiary, and irresponsible and outright stupid.

[rlyc00l]

Rhys is going to put his skills to work and make these people trust the crap out of him if it kills him (Actually, he doesn't want it to kill him, he's actually going to try to avoid dying). Zer0's ego goes through some stuff. Everyone could benefit from like, team building exercises or something.

Also under the cut

The first thing Rhys did, after giving up on lying sleeplessly and considering his new position, was draft a message for Vaughn and Yvette. “Hey, I’m alive, on Pandora. Vasquez tried to have me killed. Sorry for doubting you. I don’t know what he’s gonna do now, be careful. I’ll be back soon.” He paused and deleted the “soon”, replacing it with “Sorry to be vague. I’ll explain everything next time I see you.” before sending. It wouldn’t satisfy them. When he got back to Helios, he’d launch the two of them up the corporate ladder (just slightly below himself) to make it up to them. And then he’d brag about this forever. 

But first, he had to secure his victory.

Step one: Gaining trust. He’d been a pro at that up on Helios. Building trust with your coworkers was one of those pillars of success in business (it went hand-in-hand with “strategic betrayal”). There was even an acronym: DARGH. Dependability, Approachability, Respect, Gratitude, and Honesty. Three out of five were easy, he could do those without trying. He’d have to do away with honesty, which left dependability. Dependability required competency, and he was far from competent in this setting. He still hadn’t even figured out how to reload. Luckily, he had the ECHOnet. He activated his ECHOeye and pulled up everything the Hyperion database could teach him about guns and shooting, and found diagrams of the two guns in his possession.

By sunrise he was outside, dry firing the pistol while aiming at distant bullymong holes, trying to get used to the gun’s auto-stabilizers. 

“What are you doing?” 

Rhys flinched, fumbling with the gun. It was Zer0, of course. The others were still asleep. His immediate impulse was to snap at them–why the hell were they always there? He restrained himself for the sake of DARGH and instead summoned all his Hyperion brand faux-affability. 

“Oh, hey Zer0.” Fake smile. Cheery voice. “I-I’m practicing. Getting ready for today, you know? You’re welcome to join.” Goddamn, that sounded phony. He was better than this. The whole double agent thing was throwing him off his game. 

Zer0 looked at him, then his gun. “There’s a camp, not far. / Living targets are better. / With a loaded gun.” 

“That…I-I’m good, thanks. I’d rather conserve ammo, y’know? For those uh, those Fleshripper guys?” 

“There’s a vendor, there.” They thumbed over their shoulder. An Ammo Dump vending machine leaned haphazardly against a nearby building.

“I don’t have–” 

“Oh, right. Your wallet’s empty. / Save your bullets, then.” A smiley face.

“W-wait, you saw who stole my money?”

They ignored that. “Still, practice, needless. / Today, I’ll kill the bad guys. / Just stand back again.” The word “coward” didn’t fit at the end of their haiku, but it was implied. Their “>:P” made that clear.

Later, as they ventured through Fleshripper territory, he did his best not to deserve the label. At least, his best within reason. He stood back, sure, but only because he didn’t have a shield and the others did. A thrown buzzaxe bounced right off of Axton’s head when it would have split his skull open otherwise. Salvador walked right into oncoming gunfire to kill the shooter. A grenade landed at Gaige’s feet and only gave her a few scratches. A shield was undeniably a necessity, here. 

Rhys checked bodies for one when he got the chance, but there was little intact for him to take. A few dollars here, some bullets there. The bandit’s actual killers got first dibs on everything. So he was forced to shoot from afar, careful to avoid his “allies”. Most of his shots missed, but sometimes they hit, and sometimes the bandits died. Those kills didn’t feel like that first time, but at least he wasn’t almost dying. Small victories.

A further small victory came for his “DARGH initiative”. With Zer0, of all people. 

Bringing up the rear occasionally put him near them, when they’d switch from up-close fighting to sniping. Their sudden appearances had startled him the first few times. They seemed to teleport, but it was a clever combination of hologram and cloaking technology. Rhys found that if he paid attention, he could sometimes see when their footprints in the snow parted from the hologram. Even then, he missed it more often than not.  

Zer0 may have been a total asshole, but it was pretty cool to watch. They’d appear with their sword buried in one man’s back. When the next bandit fired on them, the hologram would feign an attack from the front while they climbed a nearby roof, blowing his brains out without him ever knowing he’d been tricked. Rhys wondered if Jack knew about their method, or if he should report it. If Zer0 meant to fight Hyperion, the soldiers should be forearmed with that knowledge, the way these Fleshrippers weren’t. 

As he was considering recording them for Jack, a gunshot rang off from his left and two bandits dropped dead at the same time. Zer0 appeared with their sniper rifle on a low roof next to him. “Holy crap. Did…Did you just do that?” 

“Yes.” They projected a “:D”. 

“That was actually pretty badass.” 

They didn’t respond, only moved to a higher position, taking out another pair of bandits the same way, then a third with a headshot.

If he didn’t know better, he would have thought they were showing off. But there was no way they cared what he thought, right? It was worth testing. Rhys was well-practiced in the art of sycophancy. “You, uh, you think you could hit that guy way down there before Krieg gets to him? The one taking cover behind the crates.” 

The bandit in question was on the other side of camp, firing at Krieg as he charged. Only a small portion of his head was visible. 

A second after he said it, they’d shot, and the bandit’s head vanished in a spray of red. Krieg slowed to a stop, with a bellow of “Disappointed!” 

“Nice!” The enthusiasm in his voice wasn’t hard to fake. He never expected Zer0 might actually be easy to win over. 

“As I said before. / You need not participate. / I’ve got this handled.” 

“Right, clearly.” It was the same on Helios, flattery didn’t get you respect in return. Still, if he’d swallowed his pride and sucked up to Vasquez, the man wouldn’t have tried to blow him up. Zer0 was more the “literal backstabber” type, but still, the point stood. 

———

Captain Flynt, leader of the Fleshripper bandits, was the last thing standing between the Vault hunters and the mainland. He’d made his throne on a wrecked freighter sitting precariously atop an icy clifftop. Rhys lost count of how many the group had killed on the trek through the surrounding camps and the climb up to the ship’s deck. At that point, a reasonable person would surrender. Captain Flynt wasn’t a reasonable person. 

Claptrap had raced in ahead of the rest of them, waiting at the top of the ramp that led to the ship’s deck. “Yoohoo! Minions, this way!” He waved them on impatiently. 

Maya stopped there. “We should go in with a plan. One would have to be pretty hard to kill to lead a bandit clan of this size for more than a week, and Hammerlock claims he’s tough.” 

Zer0 barely glanced at her as they moved on after Claptrap. 

“I was thinking we shoot him full of bullets. Until he dies.” Salvador said, passing her.

“Yeah, that was more or less what I was gonna say?.” Axton stopped for only a moment, hesitating before jogging after Zer0. “Sorry, not about to let them get all the glory!” he called over his shoulder.

“I need to get keelhauled!” Krieg followed the other three. 

“Hey, wait up!” Gaige had the decency to look guilty as she passed. “Sorry, Maya, but I mean, we have more guns?” 

Rhys could only offer a shrug. “For what it’s worth, I was onboard with the ‘having a plan’ plan.” 

The battle was underway by the time he and Maya caught up. Flynt wasn’t alone, at least twenty more bandits fought alongside him. He was unmistakable among his cohorts. The man dwarfed even Krieg–but part of that might have been the thick, padded suit and the tall horns atop his helmet. He wielded both a flamethrower and an entire anchor with ease. Also, he was on fire, which didn’t seem to bother him.  

Yesterday, Rhys might have stayed on the ledge overlooking the deck, never directly joining battle. Today, he had a promotion and a turbomansion to look forward to, and DARGH to think of. Amazing what getting contacted personally by Handsome Jack could do to a guy. At least, it was enough to make Rhys hop down onto deck–only to slip on a patch of ice and fall on his face. Thankfully, this went unnoticed. The bandits were too occupied with those who got there before him. Each Vault hunter seemed to be fighting their own battle. Huge plumes of fire intermittently shot up from the vents in the deck, leaving thick clouds of smoke in its wake. Maya was already further up, he saw a flash of purple lift Flynt into the air. A buzzaxe-wielding bandit took notice of him as he was getting to his feet. Rhys shot him as he charged, and he stumbled to the ground and didn’t rise again. Then a second bandit was shooting at him. Bullets whizzed past his face, barely missing. Finding flimsy cover behind a wooden crate, he returned fire. Either one of Rhys’s bullets hit the mark, or someone else’s did. Regardless, that bandit fell too. 

He got another glimpse of Flynt near the broken edge of the ship. Zer0 was behind him, sword bearing down at his back. Flynt turned, delivering a blow with his anchor that knocked them off their feet. He lifted the anchor, ready to bring it down on them. Flames went up. Rhys fired a few shots where he’d seen Flynt. The fire faded. Flynt was running at Salvador, whose pair of shotguns seemed to do little to slow him. No sign of Zer0. 

“Krieg, come on! You’re in the way!” He heard Axton before he saw him. He was shooting over a pile of crates. His turret was perched on a crate firing at Flynt, only, Krieg was in front of its target. 

Fire again. A flaming bandit came rushing out of a nearby vent, screaming in agony. Rhys backed up, pulled the trigger. Out of ammo. The bandit fell anyway. He ducked behind cover. His shotgun held only two shots in it, and he’d never actually used it before. It would be better to stay here and wait for the fighting to stop. He heard more screaming–a voice that had to be Gaige’s. 

Could be a hero. That’d be worth points. 

He moved along the intact edge–towards the screams, trying to keep track of Flynt. The jet of fire from his flamethrower gave him away on the far side of the ship. 

When he found Gaige she was crouched behind a junk pile, reloading her submachine gun. Her robot was fighting off a bandit on the other side. Another three bandits lay dead nearby. 

“You okay?” he needed to raise his voice to be heard over the battle. She was soaked in sweat and covered in ash but otherwise, she looked okay. 

She gave him a strange look, then turned to finish that last bandit. 

He ducked down next to her. “I–someone was screaming. Was that Maya?” It hadn’t sounded like Maya.

“Oh! Yeah, that was me! Look at this shit.” She stuck out her leg. Her nylon tights had partially burned away, revealing her calf red and blistered beneath it. “Hurt like a bitch!” She’d sounded like she was being murdered. “Right. So you’re not in any immediate trouble?” 

“Nope. You’re bleeding, by the way. Like a lot.” She turned back to the battle. It was quieter now.

“Haha, what?” He looked down, not seeing any blood on him. “No, I’m not.” “Your face.” 

He was so soaked in sweat, it took a moment to find the blood on the right of his face, longer to find the gash starting at his temple and ending just past his ear. He hadn’t felt it until now, but suddenly his body seemed to remember that this was supposed to hurt. “Oh jeez… How…How bad is it?” “I think you just got grazed, dude. You’re fine.” 

“Owwww…” It burned.  

Gaige, put away her gun, getting to her feet. “Anyway, I think we’re done?” 

Clutching his head, he followed her lead. There were dead bandits everywhere. On the far side was Flynt, lying in a heap on the deck. Flames had stopped coming up from the vents. “Huh, wonder if he was like, remotely controlling the fire somehow…”   

“Dunno.” Rhys couldn’t find it in himself to be that curious right now. He couldn’t remember the last time so much blood was coming out of him.  “First time being shot?” Axton joined him and Gaige as they crossed the deck to meet with the others. 

“Kinda hope it’s my last.” Axton laughed. “Good luck with that.” He looked him up and down. “Hell, did you ever get a shield?” 

“Couldn’t find one.” “Why didn’t you say something?” Axton stopped, opening his storage deck holoscreen. He was using his left hand, his right hung at his side, covered in blood. 

“Kind of got the sense that uh, begging would be a bad look?” 

Axton shrugged. “This isn’t Hyperion. And I mean, a little more to the left and you’d be dead.” He’d produced a Tediore shield, handing it to Rhys. 

“Thanks.” He clipped it to his belt.

They passed Salvador, looting a corpse. “Y’all see what happened to Zer0?” he asked. “Cuz if they’re dead, I already called dibs on that gun. The acid one.” 

Rhys glanced at where he’d last seen them, half expecting their mangled corpse. They weren’t there, but between the sheer number of corpses and trash on deck, they could still be dead and he’d just missed them. He didn’t feel like looking so hard, his head hurt. 

Maya and Krieg waited outside the deckhouse, beneath Flynt’s throne. Krieg sat on a still-panic-moded Claptrap. A buzzaxe was half buried in his shoulder, and Maya was trying to calm him enough to pull it out. She scowled when she saw them. “Couldn’t have spent a few minutes trying to coordinate an attack?” 

“Hey, the guy’s dead, right? And we’re alive.” Axton radiated self-satisfaction. 

“Hell yeah, you are!” Claptrap popped out of his panic-mode, almost knocking Krieg over as he rolled out to gloat over Flynt’s corpse. “Take that, Flynt! My minions are certified badasses!” 

Maya ignored Claptrap, grabbing the buzzaxe’s hand with both hands. “Your turret drained Krieg’s shield.” She gritted her teeth as she yanked the blade out. 

“No! I needed that there!” Krieg protested. The wound already began to knit together before Maya jabbed a hypo in the flesh near it. “Augh! How will I find anything now?!” 

She ignored that too. “Not to mention, if I hadn’t made it in time, Salvador would have gotten crushed by that anchor. And, I have no idea where Zer0 went.” 

“Another one into the pit!” That one took her a moment. “Wait, they went over the side?”

Krieg tensed, grabbed his head, and then managed an exaggerated nod. “Anchors aweigh!” Crap.” She looked around at the others. “There’s more hypos inside, get yourselves fixed up. I’m going back for Zer0.” 

Inside the deckhouse was what once was a lounge for the crew, when this was still a functioning corporate cargo ship. Now, maybe it was still a lounge, but hanging from the ceiling were bouquets of human skulls, and staked to the dart board was a man’s corpse, dead at least a few weeks. After the bandit camps, this kind of decor seemed pretty standard. Rhys took a seat on one of the lopsided, threadbare couches opposite the corpse. At least it was cold enough it didn’t smell, much. 

Gaige, Salvador, and Axton were going through the chests and crates that lined that wall, arguing over loot. “I did get the kill, so y’know, I think I should get the shotgun.” “You only got the kill because my turret softened him up!”  

“Oh come on, you guys killed one guy, me and Deathtrap killed like, a gazillion of them while you were fighting him.” 

“Those little guys? I was saving them for after.”

“Yeah, they weren’t exactly our primary objective.”

“So next time I should just let them shoot at you? Cuz I totally will.” 

Rhys tuned them out, absently studying the crude map next to the dartboard corpse as he tried to distract himself from the pain. The map must have been made by one of the bandits, it was an indecipherable mess, there was no way it was to scale. Was that supposed to be the ocean? Then that there would probably be Sanctuary… But what was that thing in the center? It didn’t match up with the maps he studied in his ECHOeye, but maps of border planets tended to be lacking… 

“Oh, right, Rhys!” Axton crossed the room to him, holding out a hypo. There was a bullet hole in his forearm, rapidly closing up as he offered it. “Hate to see a face like that go to necrosis.”

He took it with a “Right, thanks so much,” and a forced smile. It was only once his face started to heal that he realized Axton had probably been flirting with him. He didn’t know what to do with that fact, did it still count as a win for DARGH? Did that mean he was doing a good job winning these people over, or should he just take it as a testament to his looks? 

It was then that Zer0 finally limped into the cabin, just ahead of Maya. They crossed the room without looking at any of the others. “The path is open. / We board Claptrap’s freakin’ boat. / And get out of here.” They sounded pissed. 

“Couldn’t have said it better myself!” Claptrap said as he followed them. “Let's board me mighty vessel and kiss the shelf goodbye!” 

“Woah, wait, Zer0, You alright, dude?” Axton asked. 

“Yes,” they said. 

“Cause I have like, one more insta-health here.” He held up another hypo, smirking. 

“Give me it.” “I dunno. If you’re okay, I might save it for later. Does our untouchable assassin really need some healing?”

Zer0’s hand closed around the hilt of their sword. “You have eyes.” 

“Axton, just give them the damn instahealth.” Maya stepped in. 

Axton sighed, and Zer0 snatched it up. “This feels like enabling their crap, y’know?” 

———

Considering that the boat they were to take belonged to Claptrap, Rhys expected the prize to be some sad little dinghy. He wasn’t well-versed on boats, but it had actually probably been some sort of fishing trawler. He wasn’t sure how a Claptrap would end up with something like that, but it had SS Claptrap spray painted on it. It was a good-sized boat, even with eight passengers there was space to spare. Sturdy, too, though that didn’t make Rhys feel much better as they lowered it into the water from a pair of cranes attached to Flynt’s wreck. He clung to the side as it was slowly lowered into the water, wondering if the shield would save him from falling to his death. Every bump felt like it might be the end, but somehow the ship touched down without incident.  

“So, how long is it to the mainland?” Gaige asked when they finally got moving. 

“Fifteen hours! But don’t worry chums, I’m sure it’ll pass in a flash! I know some great boat trip games!”  

“Ugh. If anyone needs me I’m gonna go over there and tune up Deathtrap.” 

“Yeah, uh, shouldn’t you be steering? Keep us from hitting any icebergs, or something?” Rhys tried.  

“You’re absolutely right! I guess you guys can have fun, I’ll provide the background music. Just gotta load up some sea shanties, and it’ll be a party in no time!” 

Rhys just hoped that Pandora wasn’t home to any horrific sea monsters. Before anything else, he found a tiny little bathroom in the boat’s cabin, a mirror on the door. There was a sink, but no water ran through it. Instead, he was stuck wiping what blood and sweat he could get off with his sleeve–Maybe Sanctuary would have actual laundry machines. 

It was then that Vaughn called him back, the notification lit up in his ECHOeye. He ignored it, no telling what the Vault hunters would do if they caught him communicating with someone on Helios. A moment later he got the voicemail and played it directly into his implants. 

“Holy shit, Rhys. I just saw your message. I’m so glad you’re okay. Or, I hope you’re okay. I’m gonna choose to believe you’re not answering because you are busy actively surviving that hellhole. What happened? Where are you? Can we do anything to help? Yvette can send down supplies? You, uh, you don’t have to worry about us. Get this, Vasquez disappeared, his nameplate’s gone, office cleaned out, no one knows what’s going on. But supposedly, he got called in for a meeting with Jack, and you know… Try to get back up here soon. And don’t drink the water down there! Or eat anything weird. Call me back. If you’re still alive, I mean.” 

Rhys texted a reply, practicing with the ECHOeye functionality he’d used to message Jack: “Still alive. Can’t call you, I’m surrounded by bandits. We’ve reached an understanding though, they trust me. I’m not going to be in mortal danger anytime soon unless I start openly talking to someone on Helios.” 

The text response from Vaughn came a minute later: “Holy shit, dude. Are you sure they’re not planning to eat you? I heard Pandora is chock full of cannibals.” 

“I’m sure.” 

“Okay, still, you should really find a Hyperion base or something.” “I’ll keep an eye out.” A lie, but he wasn’t about to give too much away. 

“I gotta get back to work, Don’t want anyone else up here getting called into Jack’s office. I’ll message later. But seriously, you need anything, let me or Yvette know.” “Yep. See you later.” He had to smile–Vaughn had nothing to worry about up there, Jack had already done him a favor and gotten Vasquez out of the way. He played this right and he could get his friends comfy, safe positions before this was over. 

He passed Axton on his way out of the cabin, already napping on one of the little cots. 

Outside, the rest of them were keeping their distance from each other. Krieg was at the prow of the ship, yelling incoherently at the sea ahead. Maya sat on a crate nearby, somehow ignoring him enough to be reading a book. Gaige worked on her robot, disassembled parts laid out across the deck in front of her. Salvador was cleaning his shotgun. Zer0 was just leaning against the side of the boat, arms crossed, things like “B0R3D”, “...”, and “UGH” occasionally flashing over their helm. 

Claptrap, at least, was too occupied with steering to bother anyone with more than singing.

Everyone still seemed too tense to approach, but he still had a lot of material on the Hyperion database that may or may not come in handy to study. He sat down leaning against the cabin’s outer wall, and pulled up an entry of their destination, Three Horns. 

“Three Horns is a small region named for its three stone crags. Ringed by mountains to the east and precipitous cliffs to the west, the area is…” 

“That should be removed.” Zer0’s voice interrupted his reading. They were kneeling in front of him. “Before we reach the city. / It may get you killed.”

“Wha..?” He closed out of the ECHOeye entry. “What?” 

They poked his chest.  “Oh. Yeah.” It barely peered out under the bandit’s jacket, only the “Hy” visible, but it was undeniably Hyperion’s logo on his vest

“In Sanctuary / I hear they find clever ways / Of killing your kind.” They projected a “;)”. 

“Right…” It was a nice vest. Expensive, hardy. He couldn’t just throw the whole thing out. But he could probably cut through the stitching. “You’ve got a knife or something?” 

“Yes,” they said. 

He waited. They made no move to offer him anything. 

“Can I use it?” 

They cocked their head, seeming to consider for a moment. “No.” They stood and returned to their prior spot. 

After half an hour of fighting with the label, he’d managed to pull it a third of the way off. Hyperion stitching was good. He was considering resorting to using his teeth when a folded pocket knife landed in front of him. He looked up to see Zer0, and took the knife with a “Thanks? Wish you’d given this to me before?” 

The knife was marked “DAHL”. 

“Er…Did…Did you steal this from Axton?” 

“He is still sleeping. / If I were you, I’d work fast. / He will wake angry.” They projected a “:3”. 

[curiosity-killed]

hua cheng, the accidental person

okay this is for @bodhimcbodeface because i can’t shut up and make this concise enough for discord. spoilers ahead yeehaw

this is...not comprehensive. i’ve written 11 tgcf fics and am generally a bit fixated on Hua Cheng as a character so. there’s definitely things missing but i tried to hit the main points that i thought of while writing? also obviously this is just my interpretation! i do not expect anyone else to be like “ah yes curio the sage is so correct i have changed my thinking on this” like go live your life with your own versions of hua cheng! this is just the hill upon which i have firmly planted myself and from which i refuse to be budged. as u do.

anyway, LONG explanation of my very niche and very uh self-indulgent, not-necessarily-support-by-canon hua cheng apologism LMAO

tl;dr: (this is really Too Long i’m sorry) I think Hua Cheng reluctantly becomes a person during his 800 years of searching, starting from a point where he views Xie Lian not as a person but as an immutable god and focus of devotion and developing into a person who doesn’t really acknowledge that he’s a person because realizing that you want to live and do things for yourself is scary and overwhelming at times, and he ultimately falls in love with Xie Lian during the novel itself as he recognizes and is in wonder of the humanity of Xie Lian instead of his divinity or absolute judgment.

POINT 1: Hua Cheng doesn’t actually fall in love with Xie Lian till the ox cart

but curio! you say, “my beloved!” he calls him his beloved! and the land of tender!!

shhh. IMO Hua Cheng is more Wuming than Hua Cheng for those 800 years. By which I mean, for most of that time he’s, at his heart, a nameless soldier trying to find and serve his crown prince/general/god. He still views Xie Lian as this perfect and immaculate figure—a sculpture, a painting, a work of art that is untouchable and immutable. And he’s utterly and wholly devoted to that figure but devotion is not the same as love

So Hua Cheng is searching and trying to serve Dianxia all these years and then His Royal Highness finally ascends and is a god again and Hua Cheng shows up in all his glory to give this power and strength and wealth to serve him and—

and he’s met not by a powerful and reckless martial god or an unstoppable calamity but by a young man dressed in bridal robes who lets Hua Cheng lead him up a darkened mountain, who doesn’t lash out with spiritual energy or a sword but instead, only eventually, with the cursed bandage he was carrying back in the darkest part of his life.

and i think that throws hua cheng. like he’s had this image of his god all these years, this divine painting made over and over and over again—and he carries that belief and devotion with him, but there’s a crack in the sculpture and the stone is starting to flake off to reveal a human underneath it

so he puts on an approachable, malleable, unassuming skin and finds xie lian collecting scraps and being a lil awkward, a lil bumbling, generous and kind — and i think hua cheng, after 800 years of knowing everything, having everything — I think he looks at this discovery with wonder

Bc tbc this does not mean Hua Cheng views them as equals. For him it’s like, dianxia has even more to him, is even more than I knew. He’s seen Xie Lian as the flower crowned martial god in all his glory and as the white-clothed calamity in all his horror — and now here he is, wonderful, multitudinous, and human

Meanwhile I don’t think Hua Cheng even views himself as a person really, much less a human.

also i mean. the internet & allo ppl prove time and time again that you don’t need love for horniness so. land of tender’s right out as proof on that

POINT 2: The Live For Me thing

so obviously and undeniably, using one person as a reason for living is....not healthy. Not going to argue that. but my take on it personally is that, when Hua Cheng’s a kid who really, actively wants to die and sees no reason for living, Xie Lian gives him a reason to keep going. he doesn’t have to live for himself—that’s too much, that’s too big of an ask—but he’s been given a command and purpose by the one person who’s been kind to him/whom he respects. it’s a little like... “My life has no meaning but my cat needs me to feed him and clean his litterbox and so I need to keep getting up and taking care of him even if I don’t see a larger intrinsic purpose to my life.”

and i think like...it’s easy to forget that for all of books 2 & 4, Hua Cheng is young. He doesn’t live past 18—he’s still like...a kid. And that’s not to say that teenagers/young adults can’t make moral and rational decisions but I’m going to be honest, when I was that age I contemplated joining the Air Force because of tuition assistance and the snazzy uniform despite the fact that I was a vocal pacifist and repeatedly got into arguments with teachers about school rules and conservative politics. It’s not like. The Most Rational and Mature Age, lbr. 

so Wuming is absolutely capable of looking at what Xie Lian is doing and being like “hey maybe war crimes aren’t a great idea” but he is young and traumatized and the one person he believes in, the one person who gave him a reason to keep going, is deadset on this task which tbh I don’t think either of them (or...necessarily...the society in which they live) views as war crimes in the modern sense (which isn’t to say that we as readers should view it any more lightly bc i think the narrative directly and firmly contradicts that idea) but as revenge, as an eye-for-an-eye. so, bad, but character-wise, I think it’s more nuanced than we sometimes consider

anyway back to the fixation on xie lian. i stand by the assertion that in those 800 years, hua cheng wasn’t exclusively focused on xie lian. like was finding and serving him his top priority? oh god yes. undeniably. there is no other version of this story. BUT eight hundred years is like....a lot of time. and i think in that time he started doing things for himself, even if under the guise of serving xie lian. hua cheng is curious and adventurous—he clearly likes to learn even if he plays it off as nbd—and i think he starts to realize that about himself in those centuries even if he doesn’t allow himself to acknowledge or consider it. 

POINT 3: Mt. Tong’lu in General

“okay, sure but what about the thousands of sculptures and murals of xie lian, curio. what the fuck about them.”

Yeah. FINE. okay we will DEAL with this. dealing with this is the entire reason i wrote “(like i do) in the tall grass.” 

disclaimer: this is probably not supported by canon! i also. Do Not care. My Ghost King Now.

so I have two general avenues I take with this:

going back to the devotion > love — when Hua Cheng reaches MTL, he’s seen xie lian beaten and cast down. what do gods need to survive? worship! we see throughout how important divine statues/portraits/etc. are throughout canon. in this interpretation, the cave is a concentration of all that worship in an effort to support and serve xie lian and hua cheng doesn’t view himself like...as part of it. the sculptures could have been carved by any hand so long as they are xie lian and the worship and devotion that goes into their making can support and bolster him.

my personal favorite version: amNESIA IN THE CAVES —okay i don’t have the text pulled up rn but y’know how Guoshi says Hua Cheng was almost dispersed, in terrible condition, etc., when he reached Mt. Tong’lu. so if baby boy is in terrible condition, barely hanging on, etc., then my immediate favorite option is that he doesn’t, at that time, have even the...uh threadbare sense of self he did in life/as Wuming and is running on only a vague and urgent sense of Something driving him—something he has to do, someone he has to serve—and in that case, the paintings and sculptures are part of his trying to piece together and process his memories as he can grasp them and figuring out who he is/what his purpose is. Is this canonical? PROBABLY NOT. and yet here i am. firmly planted on this hill

Also w/ MTL I think a thing that’s often skated over is the mortals, creation of E’ming, and his ascension. Which is important from a meta lens of Hua Cheng and Xie Lian vs Jun Wu but that’s not the point of this rambling monstrosity and i’m trying not to get too distracted. ANYWAY I think this is one of those times when Hua Cheng does something that he would probably excuse as like “well His Highness would’ve wanted me to” or “His Highness wouldn’t have been willing to sacrifice the mortals” because Xie Lian is still largely his moral compass—but it also is a peek at the complexity Hua Cheng doesn’t acknowledge within himself.

uh i got distracted anyway and no longer know what point i was making here. Hua Cheng Ascension Important....maybe i will remember this at some other point...

POINT 4: Live For Me (Revisited)

I sort of got distracted writing that point but anyway coming back to it now: I maintain that although Hua Cheng’s primary pursuit is protecting and serving Xie Lian he also does develop/realize his Accidental Personhood throughout his 800 years. this includes a lot of things, as previously stated, that are under the guise of serving Xie Lian (I’d put learning the Banyue tongue, finding out about the Gilded Banquet, collecting swords, beating the 33 officials etc., in this category) and things that maybe could be but...are not really (e.g., his friendship alliance with He Xuan, Paradise Manor* in general, the Gambling Den, learning the Wuyong tongue, bullying Qi Rong*, bullying FengQing*, playing with gold foil palaces, etc.)

(*these are ones that like...could be said to be for Xie Lian and I think he might say are for Xie Lian but also have a personal element that is just for him. 

Like yes Paradise Manor is a lavish and well-stocked residence fit for a god or crown prince...but it’s also a luxurious and extravagant collection of all the things he couldn’t have in life. it’s like giving a kid a credit card with no limit and letting them run wild through uh. Fuck. A Fancy Department Store. 

And sure Qi Rong was awful and turned on Xie Lian in pretty damning ways, but I also genuinely think part of Hua Cheng’s grudge with him is from the childhood abuse and from just...hatred that Qi Rong is around and looks like Xie Lian and gets to be there when Hua Cheng can’t find Xie Lian (which is about  Xie Lian but for Hua Cheng). 

Similarly with FengQing, sure a lot of his hate is for them abandoning Xie Lian—but he doesn’t even know till Book 3 when they abandoned him, and consider how much more he hates Mu Qing, the guy he blames for kicking him out of the army, etc. Some of it is totally “in service” to Xie Lian but some of it is because Hua Cheng carries a grudge like a goddamn pro and finds catharsis in beating the shit out of immortals who bounce back and can’t stop tripping over themselves and onto his blade.)

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Seventy-Two

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: Fluff, smut, and angst if you squint. 

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

You and Eleanor sat out on the balcony for a bit while so Harry and Louis could go hang out up in the loft and talk pictures and cameras and stuff.

“You look great, El.”

“Thanks, just wish I felt great.” She laughs. “I was hopin’ I’d be one of those pregnant women that only gain weight in the belly. Feel like everythin’ else is growin’ with it.” She sighs. “Although, I’ll say I’m startin’ to feel less gross now. At least you can tell I’m pregnant and not just fat.” You both laugh.

“You know Harry talks about wanting a baby all the time. He’s cooled it a bit now that we have Buster. I feel like he thinks the whole process is going to be a breeze.”

“Well of course he does, he’s a man. His hormones don’t get thrown out of wack, his body gets to stay the way it is, oh and after the only thing he gets to have happen to him as that he’ll be tired. I know I shouldn’t, but I’ve read so many disgusting stories about after havin’ the baby. The things they don’t really tell you. Like rippin’ all the way open to your arse, and what’s it’s like to really go to the bathroom for the first time. Your body is tryin’ to recover, meanwhile you’re expected to take of this new thing that just came outta yeh. Fuck’n terrifyin’.”

“Can I ask…I mean, was this planned, did you two have a slip up?”

“A mix of both actually. I had gotten off the pill because I knew we’d be wantin’ t’try in the next year or so and I just wanted to give my body some time to adjust. So naturally we switched to condoms.” She takes a sip of her water. “Lou, god love ‘em, didn’t notice that one of ‘em broke while we were usin’ it, I didn’t either. Next thing we knew I was throwin’ up most mornings and when we took the test sure enough it said I was pregnant. Broke his heart to move the date back for the wedding, but I refuse to either still be pregnant or have this nasty baby weight on me.”

“I don’t blame you at all. Your wedding day is supposed to be one of the best days of your life, you don’t wanna look back on the photos and be unhappy.”

“Exactly! I know I’ve been snippy with him lately, and he’s been so patient and understanding. With his ex he was the same way, probably more so, so she wouldn’t snatch Freddie away. Not that she would, but it was always in the back of his head.”

“Harry told me he talks to the baby every night.”

“Oh, he does.” She chuckles. “It’s actually really cute. He’ll help me rub some cocoa butter on, it’s to help with the stretch marks, and then he’ll hum and chat with it.”

“Are you going to wait to see what you’re having?”

“Yeah, we really wanna be surprised. No one does that anymore. Everyone’s doin’ these gender reveal parties now, and I really don’t like ‘em. You’re already determining the kid’s life and personality before it gets here.”

“I agree, they’re way over done.”

“Love?” Louis steps outside with Harry. “We should probably get goin’, wanna beat the traffic and all that.”

“Alright.” He comes over to help her up, not that she needed it. “You boys have fun lookin’ at your cameras?”

“Yup.” He smiles at her. “Thanks again for havin’ us.”

“You’ll stay with us again for the studio opening?” Harry asks. Louis freezes and looks at you.

“Um, I think Niall called dibs on us for that. Gotta take turns y’know?” He laughs.

“Oh…alright then.”

The two leave. You and Harry flop on the sofa with Buster.

“Poor thing, she’s not having an easy time.”

“Yeah, Lou was tellin’ me a bit this morning…they haven’t had sex in nearly two months.”

“Can you blame her? She feels disgusting. God, I’d probably feel the same way. Having literally no control over the way your body changes every day. Not to mention the bump getting in the way all of a sudden. I’d feel like I was crushing you.” Harry swallows hard, his anxiety returning. “Not to mention the resentment.” You laugh.

“Resentment?”

“Yeah, you know the cliché, you did this to me?” You laugh again, but his face stays solid.

“Do you really think it’s that bad the entire time?”

“No…I mean, everyone’s different. I know people who have had really easy pregnancies, but it’s not perfect one-hundred percent of the time. I’m sure things will get better, she’s just starting her second trimester, I heard that’s when things sort of level out.”

“Right…” He looks at Buster and pets him. “Glad we have this little guys for now. He’s all we need for the time being.”

“Couldn’t agree with you more.”

“Can I ask an awkward question?”

“Sure.”

“Erica and Kyle…I mean…that was a weird thing to bring up yesterday.”

“Oh god, I know.”

“I mean, not that I expect you guys to talk about your sex lives, but they thought I was chokin’ yeh to hurt yeh…”

“Yeah, they’re idiots.” You sigh. “We also grew up in sort of a strict home…sort of conservative about certain things. We watched movies that had sex and stuff in it, but I never had like a talk with my parents about it. And anytime I wanted to talk with Erica I just felt awkward. And god know Bridget had no experience. I learned most of what I learned from reading shit on the internet. Plus, I was always nervous with boys in high school. That first kiss story? I was fourteen right? Didn’t kiss another boy until I was seventeen, about to graduate from high school. Then, the next person I kissed was the guy I first had sex with nearly two years later. Did everything for the first time all in one night.” Harry nods. “See, I feel like I was the only one that was able to really explore sex because I was the only one to go away to school. Bridget and Kyle commuted. He had a couple girlfriends, but my parents made him sleep on the couch if he wanted one of them to sleepover.”

“Ah, classic.”

“As if my brother would do anything, his room was right next to my parents’.” You laugh. “And Erica’s been with her boyfriend for nearly ten years. I mean she had a few different boyfriends in high school, but she was locked down when she went to college. And then there was me…”

“You know, you’ve never told me your number.”

“And you’ve never told me yours. It’s not something I think we need to share. The guy I first slept with was the only guys I slept with for about four months. It was just a sex thing. He, however, had a few girls on rotation.” You roll your eyes at the memory. “Things ended in a bad way, it was messy. After that I got a Tinder and I started hooking up all the time. Had a few little relationships here and there, but nothing serious. I think my siblings would be shocked if they knew about all the shit I did, who I did it with, and where it was done.” You say blushing. “I basically told Erica she just needs to mind her own business, and that was that.”

“Good, because I don’t need anyone shamin’ us. There’s worse things we could be doin’ anyways.”

“Yeah, cause you know, anal totally isn’t worse than lightly choking someone.” Harry bursts out laughing and pulls you on top of him snuggle.

“Nope, not worse at all.”

//

“Bug spray?”

“Check.”

“Sun screen?”

“Check.”

“Water bottle?”

“Check.”

“Inhaler?”

“Check.”

“Sleeping bag?”

“Check.”

“Deo-“

“Babe, I promise, I got all my toiletries.”

“You’re going to be up in New Hampshire for two nights with probably zero cell service, I need to make sure you’re alright and have everything you need.”

He cups your face in his hands and kisses you.

“You’re gonna miss me a little, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am.” You pout. “I’m just glad Buster’s staying here with me, I’ll have someone to cuddle.”

“What are you and the girls doin’?”

“Well, they’re setting up shop here, in the guest room. We’re gonna do some face masks, nails, watch a ton of movies. It’ll be fun.”

“Good.” Harry looks at his watch. “Nearly eight, I gotta get this shit in the car and head out with Niall.”

“I’ll walk down with you, Buster probably needs to pee again. C’mon baby, let’s go say bye to daddy.” You pus the leash on him and walk down. Sarah was with Niall at Harry’s car.

“You’re never on time for anythin’.” Niall laughs.

“Alright, have a safe trip and a good time. If you have service, let us know when you get there.” Sarah says to Niall. They kiss and he gets in the car.

Harry gives Buster a hug, then looks at you.

“I love you, be good.” He says. You fake gasp.

“I am always on my best behavior.”

“With those two, oh yeah, for sure.”

“Love you too.”

He wraps his arms around you and gives you a deep kiss. You bite his bottom lip before he lets you go.

“Right.” He coughs. “Uh, bye.”

He gets into the car and drives off.

“You two…are disgusting.” Sarah laughs.

“Stop, we are not.” You sigh.

“Did you tell him we’re going out tonight?”

“You know, it slipped my mind.”

“I didn’t tell Niall either.”

“Come on, I’ll make us some breakfast, Rachel will be over later this afternoon.”

//

Harry and Niall mostly listen to music on the drive up. They pick Louis up on the way.

“What’s El up to this weekend?” Niall asks.

“Her mum’s actually visiting this weekend, so this couldn’t have come at a better time.” He laughs. “They’re talkin’ about havin’ her stay with us for a bit once the baby’s born.” He sighs. “Wouldn’t be the end of the world, but still.”

The three have a nice ride up to the campground. All the talk is pretty lighthearted. Harry pays to park, and one of the rangers tells them where they can set up. They find a nice spot that had a fire pit and they set up their tents.

“Harry, m’bunkin’ with yeh, I didn’t have a tent.” Louis says.

“Yeah, mate, no problem.”

The boys have lunch and decide to go for a walk. They knew they’d be sitting around doing a lot of drinking later, so the least they could do was walk around and enjoy the beautiful area there were in.

//

Rachel came over around three in the afternoon. You all decided to make frozen margaritas and sit out on the balcony listening to music.

“So, what’s Mariah up to this weekend?” You ask.

“She’s catching up with some of her own friends.” She says taking a sip of her cool drink. “God, I can’t wait to go to Seth’s tomorrow. Nothing like day drinking on a Sunday.”

“I know! And his apartment is so cool, heated pool and everything. It’s gonna be really hot out tomorrow, I’m definitely bringing my swim suit.”

“Plus, we’re going to that indoor/outdoor place tonight. I’m super excited.” You say.

“Did either of tell Harry and Niall about Seth?”

“You know…” Sarah says sipping her drink. “It didn’t come up.”

“Harry just let go of thinking something was happening between Niall and I, no way was I going to bring up going to a guy friend’s house party. Can we please just be careful with posting pictures?”

“I thought they weren’t going to have service.”

“Well, they could, and they could always see stuff later.” Sarah says.

“How sad that the two of you are afraid of your boyfriends…”

“We’re not afraid of them.” You say.

“Sometimes it’s just easier to leave certain things out.”

//

A little before dusk, Harry and the boys got a fire started. The cracked open their beers and snacked on chips. Louis took a joint out of his bag.

“Lads?”

“Pass it over.” Niall says and takes a hit. “Harry?”

“Sure.” He takes it. “Can’t remember the last time I smoked.” He smirks and takes a hit, then passes it back to Louis.

“Got plenty for the weekend. Haven’t been able to smoke since El got pregnant.”

“Can’t mention this to the girls at all.” Niall says. “I know it’s just weed, but I think Sarah would kill me.”

“Same with Y/N, I don’t think she’s kill me, but it’s just better if it stays between us.”

“What happens in New Hampshire, stays in New Hampshire.” Louis says.

Eventually all the boys themselves laying on the ground, looking up the stars, staying cozy by the fire.

“We hikin’ tomorrow?” Louis asks.

“Definitely, lotta great trails around here.” Niall says.

“Lou, are you scared to be a dad again?” Harry asks out of nowhere. Louis props himself up on his elbows so he can better look at his friend.

“What? Not really, no. It’s a little scary I suppose that I’ll be doin’ it full time. And I’m a little scared that Freddie’s gonna think I’m replacin’ him…but not scared to be a dad again.”

“Does Freddie know he’s gonna be a big brother?” Niall asks.

“Yeah, we told him a few weeks ago. He said he’s excited to have someone to play with.” He smiles. “Bri took it really well too. I think she’s happy he’ll be a big brother too.”

“It’s nice you all have gotten to a point where you all can get along.” Harry says.

“I mean, I walk on eggshells with Bri, but I’d rather do that than fight with her.” He takes a sip of his drink. “How’s havin’ a dog goin’?”

“Oh, it’s great. Think it’s just what we needed. I think it’s added a little more structure to our daily routines. Like we have to get up and take him out, stuff like that.”

“They call each other mummy and daddy.” Niall says laughing.

“A lot of people do that with their pets, don’t make fun of him. So, uh, when else does she call you daddy?” He smirks and Harry nudges him.

“She doesn’t.” He laughs.

“I still can’t believe you’ve made a life with someone. When yeh told me you were seein’ someone and already asked her to be your girlfriend, I was shocked, but really happy for you.”

“I don’t know what it was, I feel like I found my soulmate or some shit.” Harry sits up and starts sniffling. The other two sit up as well.

“Now I remember why you stopped smokin’, yeh always cry when yeh have too much.” Niall says, giving him a pat on the back.

“Shut up.” He sniffles.

“Why are you cryin’?” Louis asks, putting his hand on his knee.

“I’ve just never said that out loud to anyone before.” He wipes his eyes. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, it’s fuckin’ terrifying.”

“Do you think she feels the same way, that you’re her soulmate?” Louis asks.

“She must, right? I know she sees a life with me or she wouldn’t have agreed to gettin’ a dog. I…you know she had a pregnancy scare a couple months ago, well sort of, she just missed one of her pills. And I really didn’t think it was a big deal, like if she got pregnant we would’ve just dealt with it, but now I’m sorta glad she didn’t. The whole thing seems really stressful.”

“It’s very stressful, mate. Worth it, but it’s not a movie. She’s got a nephew right?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, enjoy just bein’ an uncle for a bit. Hell, enjoy bein’ an uncle to my kids. I know you’ve always wanted to be a dad, and you’ll be a great one when the time comes, but there’s really no rush.”

“I’m startin’ to see that…” Harry looks at Niall. “What about you, is Sarah your soulmate?”

“I don’t really believe in the soulmate thing.” He shrugs. “Do I think she’d make a great partner in life? Sure. I mean, I’m grateful every day we went out with the girls that night and we met. I enjoy spendin’ my free time with her, and we’re in love there’s no doubt about that.”

“Do you think you’ll marry her some day?”

“Too soon to tell, to be honest with yeh. You know me, I live in the present. I think once we’ve been together a year I’ll ask her to move in with me.”

“You two really are on opposite ends of the spectrum.”

“Yeah, and you’re right in the middle.” Harry jokes.

“Well, when are you poppin’ the question to Y/N, know you’ve thought about it. Surprised you don’t have the ring with yeh now.”

“It’s been purchased, and it’s in London. I plan to pick it up when I go home later in the summer. I’m waitin’ for us to be together a year before I ask. Her family’s a little conservative, so I figure if we’ve been together a year, then no one can really tell us we’re movin’ too fast. Plus it takes like another year to actually get married with all the planning.”

“God, look at us. We’re so grown up.” Louis says. “It’s fuckin’ disgustin’.” They all laugh. “I mean really, if someone told me six years ago I’d be gettin’ ready to be a father of two, you’d be gettin’ ready to move in with a serious girlfriend, and you’d be just about on your knee ready to propose, I’d of laughed in their face.” They all laugh, but Harry feels tears prick at his eyes again.

“I just don’t want this to change. No matter how much we keep growin’ up, or no matter how busy we get with our own lives, we have to make time for this.” He says through sniffles. “She may be my soulmate, but you two are like…”

The both hug Harry. Nothing else needed to be said on that. The three of them loved each other, and they knew it.

//

The three of you had a great time at the bar. You didn’t stay out too late because you knew you’d be out all day tomorrow. The three of you camp out in the living room, which makes Buster very happy. You all decide to watch a movie and just snuggle up with each other like old times.

“Okay, now that we’re drunk, there’s been something I’ve been dying to ask.” Rachel says just as the movie starts.

“What’s that?” You ask.

“Well, Sarah’s told me all about her butt adventures with Niall…she let him get in there you know?”

“I do know, I also know she didn’t like it very much.”

“It was just incredibly awkward and embarrassing, but it’s shut him about it so we’re good.”

“The last time we talked about it you asked me how a strap worked…” She starts giggling.

“I think…I think that’s something that should remain private.” Rachel and Sarah squeal and giggle.

“That just means you used one!” Rachel says. “How often? Did he like it?”

“Guys…I really don’t think he’d appreciate me talking about it.”

“As if they’re not talking about. That’s what guys do when they’re alone, they share sex notes.” Sarah says. “You can’t possibly think they’re out there, laying under the stars having a deep conversation.”

“No…I suppose you’re right…okay, I’ll tell you a little bit, but please, it’s so personal…”

“We won’t say anything. Everything this weekend stays between us.” Rachel says.

“We’ve…done it a few times…it’s incredible. And he actually likes it, it feels good for him.”

“Obviously, once you get a man’s prostate in the mix, there’s no going back.” Rachel says.

“I was surprised, honestly. He took it so well. I told him he could be the one to ask for it after we first did it because I didn’t want him to feel pressured. He’s so cute, one time was like,” You look down and put your two index finger tips together, “got some more lube today, love.”  They both squeal.

“God, Harry is the shyest, cutest thing sometimes.” Sarah says.

“I wish Mariah was here, she tells the best stories about Harry. He has this really tough exterior, but he’s such a good person.”

“Yeah, he’d take the shirt off his back if someone needed it.” You smile.

“Now that he’s not sitting right here will you please tell us what the fuck was up with your neck last weekend?”

“Oh for the love of god, sometimes we choke each other, lightly, when we’re doing it. He happened to do it to me the night before the party and he didn’t take his rings off so they left bruises. Clearly I didn’t cover them up correctly.”

“Hot damn.” Sarah says. “You know I let Niall choke me sometimes, it’s pretty hot. It’s like just a little bit of pressure.”

“Exactly! And I do it to Harry too sometimes.”

“You choke him, you peg him, damn, he’s a trooper.” Rachel laughs.

“He does things to me too, it’s not all me. We’re just very comfortable with each other. I wouldn’t take Niall as the choking type.”

“The same could be said for you my friend.” Sarah says and you all giggle. “So…you have this apartment, you have a dog, when do you think he’s going to pop the question?”

“I have no idea, not anytime soon. I mean, I know it’ll happen eventually, but there’s no rush. I think we’re both happy with how things are right now.”

“How often do you talk about it?” Rachel asks.

“A little here and there. Like if I say if, he’ll always correct me and say when.” You start to tear up a bit. “I never thought…I never thought I’d ever be someone that someone else would want to marry and have a life with.” You full on start sobbing and the girls hold you. “Like…he’s my everything, you know? He’s truly my person. I never thought I’d get this lucky.”

“You deserve the whole world, Y/N.” Rachel says. “And Harry wants to give it to you, I know he does.” You look at her and smile.

“Yeah! And Niall says all the time that he’s never seen Harry like this with anyone. I think you two really sparked something within each other.”

Buster starts yipping and comes over to you. He licks on of your cheeks.

“Aw, mumma’s okay Buster.” You pull him into your lap.

The three of you talk a bit more, and then settle to watch the rest of the movie.

//

The next morning the boys get up early to go for a hike. Harry and Louis had shared a tent, and Louis’ laughter wakes Harry up.

“What?” He grumbles.

“Let me see, your head’s in my neck, and you’ve got an arm and a leg thrown over me. Someone miss their lady last night?”

“You know I’m a cuddly sleeper, this isn’t news.” He looks up at him. “What are yeh, suddenly not manly enough to have a cuddle with me?”

Louis wraps an arm around Harry and pulls him in closer. Niall unzips their tent and crawls in with them, going to Louis’ other side.

“Really glad this is a secluded area. Someone walkin’ by would think this is an orgy.” Niall jokes.

“Someone would just be jealous they couldn’t snuggle with three fine men such as ourselves. Now, I’ll give it five more minutes and then we need to get up.”

Harry took some pictures along the trail. He wondered if you’d ever go hiking with him. It took them about two hours to get the summit. They sit there for a while just taking in the view.

“Harry?” Louis asks.

“Yeah, mate?” Harry says, just biting into a banana.

“How do you think you’ll propose to Y/N when you do it? I feel like I had the campus thing with El planned for months.”

“I don’t know yet. I want her to feel really special, but I also want it to be a complete surprise, you know? I have a song in mind I’d like to have playin’ in the background, and I’ve thought a bit about what I might say, but I haven’t really thought of where yet.”

“You should recreate your first date.” Niall suggests.

“Can’t, she did that for my birthday. Besides, she’d suspect somethin’ was up.”

“True…you could tell her there’s some fancy party you have to go to so there’s your excuse to dress up. Oh! And you could just have her meet you wherever it is, so she could walk into the scene.”

“Wait, I’ve got it. Tell her you need her help for one of your freelance gigs. Then she won’t suspect a thing.” Louis says.

“That could actually work. I’d want it to be at night, outside I think. Lights strung up in some trees.” The three of them look off into the distance imagining it. “It’d be beautiful.”

//

The three of you head to Seth’s around noon. Your mom came over to watch Buster for the day. He’d be fine on his own, but you felt bad leaving him either way. The three of you looked cute, as always. You were wearing a pair of high waisted jean shorts, tennis shoes and a green crop top. Sarah had a casual sundress on, and Rachel had a pair of black shorts and blue crop top on. You all packed your bathing suits and towels, and headed out.

“Hey!” He says to you as you make your way to the backyard of his apartment. “It’s been forever!” He hugs all of you. “Help yourselves to whatever you want. You should know a few people here. Pool’s open and heated.”

“Seth, I brought some veggie burgers for myself for whenever you start grilling, where should I put them?”

“Toss them in that cooler near the grill.”

“Thanks.”

The truth was, both you and Sarah had slept with Seth in college, multiple times. It wasn’t weird for the three of you. A lot of time had passed, but the little memories still lingered.

The three of you start drinking and mingling with others at the party. Seth gets the grill going and he calls you over.

“Alright, how the fuck do I make these things?” He slings an arm over your shoulders.

“Well, and here’s the amazing part, there’s directions right on the package. Did you forget how to read, Sethy?” He rolls his eyes at you playfully.

“Okay smarty pants, can you read them to me while I get the other shit on here?”

“Sure.”

“Hey, smile you two!” You both turn around and smile at Sarah as she snaps a picture.

“Get in here too, selfie.” He says. Sarah holds up the phone and takes a selfie of the three of you.

“How are things with the two of you anyways?” He asks, throwing a veggie burger on the grill. “You both have jobs and boyfriends?”

“Yup! I’m a third grade teacher, and I’m dating one of Y/N’s best guy friends.”

“Yeah, and I work in marketing and I date my best guy friend’s guy friend.” You laugh. “What about you?”

“In between ladies at the moment, but I’ve got a good job so no complaints.” Rachel calls Sarah over for something, but you stay with Seth. “He treating you alright?”

“Yeah, his name is Harry by the way. Wanna see a picture?”

“Please, show me.” You smile and take out your phone. You show Seth some pictures of Harry and tell him all about him. “Seems like a great guy, Y/N.”

“He’s the best. I couldn’t be happier.”

“Well, I’m happy for you then. And for Sarah.” He smiles. “How about Rachel, how’s she?”

“She’s great. She’s dating Harry’s friend Mariah.”

“Wow, nice that all worked out.”

“Yeah!”

Later on, a ton of you get into the pool. Somehow you end up on Seth’s shoulders and you start playing chicken with some other friends. You were happy you wore your hair up in a bun. Sarah also took a turn on Seth’s shoulders while playing chicken. All in all it was a really great day.

You all dry off and change and hang out around the fire Seth started. One of his friends brought stuff to make s’mores. You couldn’t remember the last time you just shot the shit with your friends from college. It was nice.

//

Harry, Niall, and Louis found a bar to go have drinks at not too far from the campground. They were all looking to eat something a little more filling. Because they were at a restaurant, they all had wifi, so naturally they all started checking their phones.

“Who the fuck is Seth Rowan?” Harry asks.

“Who?”

“This guy, with his arms around Y/N and Sarah.” Harry shows Niall his phone. Another person had taken a picture of the three of you and tagged you in it.

“No idea, where’d you find that?”

“Facebook…I feel like I’ve seen his face before…” Harry goes onto your Instagram, and scrolls back deep. “Christ.” He runs his hand over his face and shows them. There was an old picture of you two kissing, on the mouth and the caption said, spin the bottle.

“Yikes…an ex-boyfriend?” Louis asks.

“No.” Niall says. “That’s an old friend from college. I actually think Sarah might’ve dated him.”

“Well, it fuckin’ looks like something happened. And they were all hanging out with him today. Did you know they were going to a party?”

“No, and clearly you didn’t either.”

“Maybe it was a last minute invite.”

“Or maybe they didn’t want us knowing they were…wait Rachel just posted on her story.”

Harry taps the video.

“You have to do it Y/N! You accepted the dare!”

“You all suck, fine!”

You get up and someone turns the music up louder. You turn around and bend over, shaking your ass. Then you pop your ass, twerking. You stand back up and take a bow as everyone cheers. You sit back down, wrapping yourself in a blanket.

“Hope you all enjoyed that. You’re next Rachel, truth or dare?”

The video ends and Harry’s left there, mouth hanging open.

“Oh…my…god.” Is all he can say.

“Oh my god!” Niall shouts. “Look! Look!” He says showing them Sarah’s story that she made so only close friends could see.

“Sarah, I dare you to kiss Rachel.” Someone says.

“Jesus, as if anyone hasn’t see that before.” She shakes her head and looks at Rachel. “It’s up to you.”

“What the hell, why not?”

The two kiss, only for a few seconds, but the crowd cheers and Rachel curtsies as she sits back down.

“I…I…who are these people?! Certainly not our girlfriends.” Niall says.

“Are you seriously complaining that you just got to watch your girlfriend kiss another girl?” Louis asks. “You both need to chill out. They’re all just havin’ fun.”

“They didn’t tell us they were-“

“Do they need your permission to go out while you’re away?”

“No, but-“

“But nothin’. You two are idiots to get mad over this.”

“I don’t appreciate seein’ my girlfriend kiss someone else, another girl that happens to be her best friend doesn’t make it okay.” Niall huffs.

“I agree.”

Louis shakes his head at the two of them.

“Stupid thing to get mad about.”

The three finish up their drinks and dinner, and head back to the campground. They start up the fire and start drinking more.

“Wish we never looked at our phones. Who knows what else they’re doin’.” Niall says.

“Don’t worry about it, mate.” Louis whines. “It’s literally not a big deal.”

//

“Um…guys?” Rachel says in the uber on the way to your apartment. “Harry looked at my story of Y/N earlier…”

“And Niall saw mine…” Sarah says. “What the fuck, I thought they didn’t have service.”

“Maybe they went somewhere that did. Fuck, you know, I told you guys to be careful with what you posted. Now he’s seen me popping my ass for a group of people he doesn’t even know. Bad enough someone tagged us in a picture with Seth on Facebook. He probably saw that too.” You groan. “Great, I’m sure I’ll be in for it tomorrow.”

“Me too…”

The three of you get back to your apartment. Your mom had left Buster good to go and he was very happy to see the three of you. You all decide you’re done with drinking and just curl up to watch a movie.

//

Once again Harry and Louis wake up cuddling. The two laugh as they get up. They clean everything up and load up the car.

“Please don’t let what they did ruin such a great weekend, lads.”

“We’re not.” Niall says. “But they’re gettin’ a stern talkin’ to.”

“Yeah, very stern.”

Harry drops Louis off, hugging goodbye of course. Rachel had left your place, but Sarah stayed behind. You both figured if you were in trouble, then maybe you could be in trouble together. Harry tells Niall to come up with him, figuring that Sarah would still be over.

“So what’s our game plan?” Sarah asks you.

“I’m…going to jump on him and hug him and kiss him.”

“Okay, okay, that’s good. Soften him up a bit.”

“Maybe he’ll just take me right to the bedroom and we’ll fuck, then talk.”

“And what does that mean for me?”

“Take Niall home and fuck him there.”

You both hear the jingle of keys and you stand up. You hear the boys talking and then stop when they see the two of you standing there.

“You’re home! How was the-“ You start waling towards him, but they both cross their arms.

“Who’s Seth Rowan?”

“Why did you think it was a good idea to post a video of you and Rachel kissing?”

You and Sarah look at each other, then back to them. You both move a little closer to them. A scent hits your nose and your face scrunches.

“Why do you both smell like weed?” You ask crossing your arms.

“Answer our questions first.” Harry says. “When I asked you what your plans for this weekend, it didn’t seem like a party was in the mix.”

“Seth is an old friend from college.” Sarah starts.

“Just a friend? Because I’m pretty sure there’s more to it than that.” You gasp.

“What did you do, creep on my Instagram?”

“Maybe.”

You and Sarah both roll your eyes.

“Friend...with benefits.” Sarah says. “To both of us at one point.”

“You both were hookin’ up with the same guy?” Niall asks and you both nod. “Why?”

“I feel like the answer to that wouldn’t really help our case.” You say. “Look, Seth usually has a Memorial Day party, he invited us and we went. Everything that happened was a long time ago, no harm done.”

“So you shakin’ your ass for a group of people is no harm done?”

“I’m going to fucking kill, Rachel.” You groan. “We were playing truth or dare, what was I supposed to do?”

“Tell the truth about sometin’.”

“I couldn’t.”

“What did they ask you?” You look at Sarah. “Don’t look at her, look at me, what did they ask you that was so bad that you decided to do a dare instead?”

“They asked me…god…they asked me if…if I ever…please Harry, don’t make me say it, just know it was really bad.” He sighs.

“Fine…you know you could have told me you were goin’ to a party.”

“No because you would’ve questioned who Seth was and-“

“Of course I would have, and you could’ve just told me he was a friend from school, come on.”

“Sorry.”

“Niall…”

“I’m assuming they asked you a stupid question too?”

“Yes.”

“Can yeh please just not do that again? Friend or not, I really don’t want yeh kissin’ someone else.”

“Of course! I’m so sorry!” She lunges onto him and kisses all over his face.

You look up at Harry and give him your biggest eyes and pout. He sighs and opens his arms and you jump into them. He lifts you up and you wrap your legs around him.

“Love you both, but I’d like to give my man a proper hello now, so please leave.” They both giggle and head out.

“Where’s Buster?”

“Taking a little nappy.”

“Ah.”

Harry walks you down to the bedroom.

“We’re taking a shower, you wreak. Did you smoke?” He sets you down.

“Yes.”

“Harry…”

“Lou brought a joint with him, it’s no bid deal.”

“Alright.” You start taking your clothes off.

“Alright?”

“You’re letting my weekend slide, so I’m doing the same.”

“Okay.”

“So was it fun?”

“It was great, actually. We went for a hike, got to really see the stars at night. It was nice to just catch up and talk.”

“Yeah, same for us.”

Harry strips and turns the water on in the shower. He looks at you and squints.

“Why don’t you ever dance like that for me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’d love for you to put on a little show for me like that. Maybe a little lap dance sometime.” He grins.

“In your dreams.”

“Come on, it’ll be a new character for role play.”

“Maybe something CEO does for her assistant?”

“Exactly.”

“We’ll see.”

“Fine, then in the meantime, I’m going to fuck you into the tile.”

“Harry!” You squeal as he yanks you into the shower.

His hands are all over you and his fingers are up inside you before you know it. He nips at your neck as he pumps in and out of you.

“Fuck.” You breathe as his thumb works your clit. You reach to grab his cock and you start pumping it. “You know, this is the only cock I want.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, makes me feel so good. Want it all the time.”

He takes his fingers out of you and sucks on them. He grips one of your thighs and raises it over one of his hips. He thrusts into you. Your back arches against the cold tile. You hands sink into his shoulders as he rocks up into you.

“This is the only cunt I want.” Before you can’t bite your bottom lip, he’s already doing it for you, sucking it into his mouth. “This entire body, actually. It’s all mine, isn’t it?”

“All yours.” You smile at him and he smiles back. He pulls out and turns you around, entering from behind. Your entire front was pressed to the tile. Your head rolls back to his shoulder. “I love you, Harry, fuck!”

“I love, ngh, love you too.”

It doesn’t take either of you long to come. Harry throws his laundry right into the washer, and you both get cozy with Buster on the sofa.

“I really hope you know I didn’t intentionally try to make you upset or anything,”

“I know.” He strokes your back as you lay on him. “I don’t want you thinkin’ that I’m gonna blow up at you though.”

“I guess…because of how things were with my dad growing up, I feel like it’s easier or safer to leave pieced of information out. I know you’re not him, I wouldn’t be with you if you were anything like him, but sometimes those little things are there in the back of my head. I’d do anything to avoid a fight with him, so-“

“Babe.” You look up at him. “I know I get jealous sometimes, and that’s not always fair. But please don’t be afraid to tell me what you’re doin’. The most important thing to me is that you feel safe with me, always.” You nuzzle into his chest.

“I do feel safe with you, I promise. Some things are just hard to shake, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry your dad fucked you up so much.” He sighs and kisses the top of your head.

“Me too…but I can’t blame everything on him. If I did I’d be just like Bridget. I just know I have certain habits. Like, you know how I always line our shoes up so we don’t trip over them when we walk in?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I do that because of my dad. If there was a hair out place when he got home from work it was like World War three would erupt. I do certain things because I feel like he could just come in at any moment, which is stupid, I mean this is our home, not his.”

“S’not stupid…” You look up at him and kiss him.

“I am sorry though, I was wrong.”

“Yeah, you were.” He smirks. “But it’s okay. I had a really nice time with my friends this weekend, and I suppose I’m glad you did too.” You kiss again.

“What did you guys talk about?”

“Oh, you know, just guy stuff.”

[feifiefofum]

big pharma conspiracies and my problem with a lot of it

look, i have beef with a lot of the conservative ‘big pharma’ is out to kill us narrative is very simple- you lot are over aggrandizing these selfish, money pinching pricks.

‘they’re out to kill us’, ‘they wanna track us’, ‘they wanna sterilize us’. like, okay, that last one’s been done- but with the vaccine they rolled that out to white people first, so, i dunno, makes targeted sterilization a bit harder.

especially, when, y’know, the one’s administering this stuff, poking needles in arms are often poc of all across the color palette, so, kinda hard to keep it a secret when the head of the department is gonna have to tell their staff, ‘hey, this batch for your people only, this batch for the whites’. like, that shit would be clocked on social media in a snap. someone, somewhere is gonna drop the goss. in the age of twitter and social media, how you gonna keep all that under wraps.

which leads up to my next point- where’s the profit in all this? look, i know and understand that the rich assholes want to keep themselves as the only ones rolling in the lap of luxury. but what part of killing the peasants (us) keeps their prosperity machine rolling?

keep it simple, people. the bottom line is usually the bottom line with profit margins and everything. if you can’t rule of acquisition up in this here joint, you don’t have much of a baseline.

you do remember when this started getting serious for us, right? when the masses became too scared to go into work, grinding the profit machine to a screeching halt? that’s when it all got very serious for the higher ups. not the bodies piled up in refrigerated trucks outside of hospitals, not when hospitals got overcrowded- none of that mattered to them.

there’s a saying that one shouldn’t ascribe malice where incompetence or ignorance would suffice. for capitalists, don’t ascribe malice where greed would suffice.

capitalists are motivated by one thing, and one thing only- money. and as much as they lie to us about how much we’re worth (fractions of pennies of hundreds of dollars) they understand perfectly that nothing gets done without the working class getting back to work.

look at all the large corporations- they’ll do the absolute minimum to get back to money-churning. all of them have or had mask mandates, work from home, vaccine requirements, and covid testing.

did they fucking drag their feet? hell yeah they did! and why did they do it? because greed!

did they eventually mandate masks, tests, and vaccines? hell yeah they did? why? because greed! it was more expensive to replace personnel when they’re dropping like flies.

the concern with big pharma is not that they’re out to kill us- it’s that they’re out to charge us through the nose for basic life saving medicines that should cost only a pittance. insulin is the go to example. the guy who made and patented it didn’t want insulin, an easy to manufacture and cheap to make medicine to cost the people an arm and a leg to acquire.

you wanna know who fucked that dream up?

big pharma.

they’re the ones constantly rebranding the same molecules with one or two tweaks so they could re-patent and then charge consumers a king’s ransom to acquire their modified insulin.

is this evil? hell yeah! but are they outright just out to kill us? no. the goal is to get rich quick. the side effect is that people die.

look, i’m not trying to defend big pharma here, but you lot are making them out to be some dark lord out to conquer the world when that’s absolutely not the case here.

the evil is so mundane, even the xtians got it right, it’s greed baby!

frankly, i get it- it’s hard to believe that these monsters aren’t malicious, they’re just callous in their evil. we have to ascribe some line of reasoning, some hatred to make sense of this indifferent cruelty. but that’s just it- such callousness is borne impersonally, when you don’t consider the unwashed masses as human, when you treat certain lives (the poor) as insignificant, you find that indifference has a higher body count than actual hate.

there’s a reason why in the nuremberg trials that so many of the rank and file were all just ‘we were following orders’. like yeah, some of them hated, but most, the majority just didn’t care.

[gilded-green]

In celebration of the 10th anniversary, I’ll probably reread GG and send updates/highlight areas and as for commentary. Probably XD

But first. What aspect of Gilded Green was your favorite? What was something you put in a lot of world building for but never got to show either in fic or on tumblr. Who is your favorite character and why, what makes them special in your eyes? Which character has turned into a completely different one as soon as you started writing them? Which part of the fic did you like most when you finished it, do you still like it? Similarly, which part do you dislike most?

Lasty, anything about gg2’s story you want to share/talk about/rant?

-love, the dai li fangirl

Haha, no pressure! But at the same time yes if you do feel free to send me passages for commentary here! <3

What aspect was my favorite? Hmmm. *thinking face* I think, when I first came up with it, I was just thrilled to have these two small things - minor character Lu Ten, overlooked villain organization Dai Li - that I was able to combine into something so big. That was pretty nifty!

As I started developing the story, I think what really caught my attention was the fact that “Wow, all these characters are awful people!” Like. The Dai Li aren’t good.The Fire Nation aren’t good. Lu Ten is a victim but also an oppressor. All off these people have extremely different beliefs and worldviews - Fire supremacist, police state enforcers, classist academic gatekeepers - and all of them think THEY’RE in the right here and none of them are. I think Tien and Hoang might be the only people with a decent, non-oppressive worldview in the story so far. XD I was growing out of the storytelling trope of black-and-white morality at the time, so it was really fun to start experimenting with writing awful people as enjoyable, sympathetic characters.

World building? Hmm. I was just learning how to use my worldbuilding muscles back then. I seem to remember reading up a lot on how brainwashing actually works in the real world and going “I don’t think this is compatible with what we have in ATLA” and just kinda tossing that whole thing out. XD I also recall looking up a lot of stuff for the bits about Jouin, some of which - kalua pig! - has since shown up again in WFFD. I also recall someone on FFdotnet at the time saying “All this chapter did was tell us more about a dead character than the living one” and I was just kinda like -_- yes because he is DEAD and this is your chance to feel sorry about that, we’ll get plenty more of the living one later on account of him still being, y’know, alive. XD

Oh, and Shirong’s personal side projects. I finally got into that a bit in A Meeting of Minds, but the dude DOES have his own stuff going on, which Delun so rudely interrupted to drag him off to see Long Feng about brainwashing a Firebender.

I also did a bunch of research for the birthday party interlude, I think. Mostly appropriate alcohol for such an occasion? And....okay, this’ll sound funny, but.....food containers. I wanted Fen to pack up leftovers for Suyin and Shirong. That’s what my Italian family does after get-togethers, and I assumed that a Chinese family/friend group would do the same! But I also had, like, zero exposure to everyday Chinese life, let alone everyday Chinese life in the 1800s, and I just didn’t have the...idk, cultural osmosis? to figure it out. Like, if you asked me how Victorians would transfer food I’d probably come up with “Idk, wrap it in cloth and stuff it in a basket?” and I assumed people living in modern China would also be able to explain what their people did for food storage/transport 150 years ago but I didn’t have that cultural background, now, did I??? Also this was 10-12 years ago I was looking this up, mind you, the internet was still very different, there was plenty of information on Chinese historical events but not on everyday life objects, CDramas weren’t easy to find if they were translated at all and I certainly didn’t know they existed, and no one was posting beautiful aesthetic videos of life in a rural Chinese mountain village to youtube yet. Eventually I learned that bamboo baskets were a thing, but there wasn’t much info on THOSE either and I wasn’t sure how to describe them, so I just tentatively typed “basket” and called it a day. XD

YOU CANNOT ASK ME TO CHOOSE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER THAT’S LIKE ASKING ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN MY CHILDREN!!! *shoves Yong off a cliff*

I’m very fond of the Dai family, along with the Trungs and Sais. I’m very proud of how Tuan turned out. I adore Yuan, who you’ve barely met, and Xun, who you haven’t. Huang and Wu Sheng are also definite faves and I can’t wait for y’all to get to know them better.

Characters do usually behave for me in terms of personality development. They surprise me, but they never really turn out to be the complete OPPOSITE of what I was expecting? They just kinda develop organically. Huang and Wu Sheng surprised me, tho, those boys got deep. I knew they had the potential, but developing their backstory actually caused Stingrae and I to develop Ba Sing Se’s socio-political backstory and Long Feng’s rise to power, all because of an inkling I had. That was a very satisfying few years of worldbuilding and story development.

Um, favorite part of the fic....idk, I’m very fond of the final scene, with Azula and her wall chunk from Lu Ten. I’m doubly fond of it because of how it always resonates with readers. Heck, during Azula week last year, I used that chunk of rock as an ongoing theme in Sandstone, and someone commented like “I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WROTE GILDED GREEN” and that made me really happy!

Lu Ten’s time stuck underground - I used the seven stages of grief to get through that one and it was very helpful in structuring that part of the story, and I figured it was deep or something because PSYCHOLOGY.

I’m also proud of myself for getting through the dark brainwashing scenes. So, like, FYI, fanfiction could get...very dark, back in the 00s. People love to play purity police these days and complain about how nasty people get can, but listen. Listen. Do you have any idea how dark FFdotnet got back in the day? Legolas And Aragorn Get Captured By Orcs And Brutally Tortured was an entire genre. I feel like torture fic was actually a lot more common back then, and darkfic in general - I’m sure someone could write a whole thesis on why it’s not so prevalent anymore, I’m gonna guess the fact that fandom is less-insulated and more public now could be part of it, maybe also the fact that the internet is more social media/influencer culture based so people care about their image, and also the purity police which is its own kettle of worms, but I also think that the Bush Administration had something to do with it? You have all these kids who were pre-teens when 9/11 happened, growing up during the Iraq War with an awful presidential administration while everyone was scared and conservative Christianity started to realize that their control over the nation’s “morality” might be slipping and reacted accordingly......yeah there was a lot of darkfic back then.

And I read a lot of darkfic too, but, uh....well, statistically speaking, a lot of writing is bad, okay? A lot of those fics were just weird; you could see where the writer had this idea, and also where they failed to execute it in a way that resonated or made sense. And whatever, writers were young and just wanted to pound out some catharsis, it’s cool, but it still just felt narratively awkward when you could tell how the writer was more focused on LET’S MAKE THIS AS DARK AS POSSIBLE instead of “Let’s tell this as well as possible.”

So the first several attempts at writing the brainwashing scenes, I was nervous because I didn’t want to get TOO dark, and when I finally decided “eff it” and said to Stingrae “I think I need to let this be as dark as it needs to be” I was still nervous because I didn’t want it to end up WEIRD. Idk if that makes sense, but anyway I seem to have done a decent job at it!

As for parts I dislike the most, uhhhhh Iroh’s retreat (I didn’t care, I just wanted to get it over with), Enlai might’ve been promoted too fast? idk, the fact that I came up with Nanyue AFTER I finished publishing GG so I couldn’t work that into the Quy bits, the fact that I was young and innocent and didn’t understand sexual slang or innuendo and randomly chose Dong as the name of the court physician which could lead to some awful puns except no one ever seemed to pick up on that and maybe I’ll regret pointing it out but the man IS going to appear again so I might as well get the first shot in myself. XD

I might have GG2 stuff to talk about but not sure, if I do I’ll make another post on that!

<3

[bigskydreaming]

What job would you pick out for Dick? I like physical therapist or maybe emt/firefighter? I know the latter wouldn’t work unless in a no capes au but I think they fit him

Tbh, I haven’t put much thought into no capes AU scenarios since they tend not to occur to me that much - I like the superheroics part of things too much to spend a lot of time thinking of settings without those elements, lol. But as far as the traditional superhero settings go......I could see physical therapist, but I usually default to gymnastics instructor.

I know it sounds like a pretty easy answer, but for me it actually combines a lot of different factors. The biggest and most important thing is I’m a big believer in balance. 

Like, I hate Dick as a cop because y’know, ACAB, but also because I just don’t view it as healthy or sustainable for him to live his life 24/7 devoted to putting himself at risk and in dangerous situations for others. I mean, this actually goes for all heroes, tbh, but him in particular with all the stuff I talk about him having a low sense of self-worth....I think an inevitable end result of that sort of around the clock lifestyle is that its almost impossible for him to NOT end up with a skewed sense of his own value, where he just fundamentally doesn’t believe his life is worth as much as other peoples’, or that his life only has as much value as he in turn is of value or use to others. To me, that’s just a recipe for disaster and longterm emotional harm when talking about Dick in particular.

Then there’s the element of constant exposure to human suffering and misery - and this is also something that I would see carrying over to careers like emt/firefighter.....in the real world, people who work those jobs have off hours. They take a break from all the pain and death they’re witness to when on the job, and that’s incredibly crucial IMO, because nobody can be around that 24/7 without it taking a toll on them, even if its in the name of helping people. One of the things I think could use more focus in examinations of vigilantes/superheroes is that like......nobody can exist JUST to help others, having no identity of there own outside that, you know? This is what they CHOOSE to do with their lives, but that doesn’t mean that’s all their lives are FOR, and like, they need time to just be themselves too. 

And when you take a character like Dick, who is extremely empathetic among other things, and if you look at him in the context of someone who’s been exposed to tragedy and heart-ache in just his personal life since he was a little kid....and then add to that all the horrors he’s seen and witnessed in his vigilantism and superheroics as Robin, as a Teen Titan, as Nightwing....all kinds of murder and torture and misery, and like....I think its crucial that he have time and opportunities to just....recharge, and get a chance to bask in the good parts of life and ENJOY things and remind himself of what he’s doing all of this for, that life isn’t just an endless stream of suffering, no matter that that’s inevitably what it looks like a lot of the time from his POV as a superhero....or as it would appear from any other sort of job where on top of his superheroics, he’s constantly being bombarded with people in pain and suffering from losses of their own.

So for me, I pretty much always like to pair superheroes with jobs where they just get to lay their burdens down for awhile and recharge by immersing them in things that they enjoy. By all means, like, let it be something that still contributes to society or gives back or is a way to improve other peoples’ lives, I think that’s still very inherent to Dick’s character.....but I feel like its important that HE gets something out of it too. And from my POV, gymnastics or acrobatics is always going to be where those things intersect most for Dick. Because its not just something he’s good at, and that he enjoys, and that he can help other people become good at and enjoy too....its also a way for him to stay connected to the Grayson part of him as much as the Nightwing part of him. 

I focus a lot on his first family, because like.....I’ve always felt that fandom pays a lot of lip service to how important they and his family history are to him, without a ton of actual focus on what that IS and what that MEANS or looks like. And when you consider how important the idea of legacies is to the DC universe as a whole, to me its incredibly significant that Dick, who is pretty much the first legacy character in a lot of ways, like....however Robin began eighty years ago in the comics, its most commonly accepted rendition at this point is that for Dick, it began as a legacy every bit as much as it became a legacy after him. Its the legacy of a family of acrobats who passed down their acrobatics from generation to generation, who lived their entire lives together as a tight-knit family unit, inspiring others, entertaining others, making other peoples’ lives better TOGETHER. As a family. 

And I think for Dick, that’s what it all comes down to, that’s what’s most important to him. Its why I feel he was able to put aside his own resentments about Robin being passed on without his inclusion and just embrace Jason as a brother, why he was able to do the same with Tim despite mourning Jason at the same time, why he was able to use Robin, specifically, as the vehicle for forging a strong bond of brotherhood with Damian....his life is about helping other people, yes.....but its also about family, and how important the very IDEA of family is to him.....and so that’s ultimately why I always go back to gymnastics teacher or coach for Dick as a ‘day job’.....because IMO its what allows him to be most complete, while being true to all sides of him and his history. 

By night, he helps others as Nightwing, in the spirit of his second family, who make the world better via their superheroics. And by day, he helps others as the last Flying Grayson, in the spirit of his first family, who made the world better via their acrobatics and entertainment. Two sides of him, both equally important to him, and both equally deserving of his time and energies, so that he can kinda....stay balanced, without being weighted too far over in a direction that ultimately is doomed to be unsustainable IMO....if he has no opportunity to ever ‘course correct’ when things get too heavy and he just needs a way to put down his burdens or responsibilities and take a step back, just so he can catch a breath.

Incidentally, I view this as equally crucial for all the Batkids....my ultimate headcanon is for them all to end up pursuing passions for their day jobs, that allow them to...indulge themselves, while enriching others in ways that feed their own souls at the same time.

Like, for me, a pretty ideal future for all the Batkids is Dick as a gymnastics instructor, Jason as like, a pulp fiction novelist who gets a kick out of drawing from just the utter absurdities of various things he’s lived or been witness to in ways that cater to his morbid sense of humor and tendency to kinda make a joke out of a lot of the darkness he’s been subjected to. Tim I could see enjoying being a video game designer. 

Cass, I like to headcanon as a choreographer.....yeah, I like her getting into dance and ballet as an outlet for herself, but rather than dance professionally I see that as something she keeps just for HER, but choreographing professionally....that lets her use her skills to help others pursue their own passions for dance, and also I see a lot of opportunity there for her to use her unique perspective to like.....not just enjoy the stories that are told through dance, but to tell her own stories through dance, imbue it with her own messages and emotions. 

Damian, I like combining his love of animals and his art but adding a little twist in him eventually developing a passion for photography, especially if it becomes an unexpected way for him and Tim to finally bury the hatchet once and for all and bond, with Damian seeing value in this skill that Tim ultimately is the best suited to help him with....and then with Damian ultimately becoming like, a nature photographer, and any future environmentalism or conservation efforts of his guided and shaped by that particular focus.

Steph and Duke I’m still working on. Have a bunch of different thoughts for them but haven’t yet found the ones that fully click the way these do for the others.

[chamerionwrites]

@tobermoriansass asked: 🔥🔥 free space + star wars!

Second half of my response to this unpopular opinion meme (for SW opinions, see here), because sometimes I’m a wordy bitch:

I’ve grown to really dislike “conservative protestantism in a gay hat” as a description for fandom purity wank. 

I have nothing against the phrase itself; it’s immediately evocative and in many ways accurate. My issue is that in many (maybe even most) cases, people have taken it to heart not merely as description, but as diagnosis. I have repeatedly seen it suggested that the root of the problem is people who were raised in conservative religious environments, and left/superficially changed political labels without ever examining or confronting the underlying authoritarianism of the worldview. Which seems like a reasonable hypothesis on the surface! Except that in my personal experience - and anecdotes are not data, but they can be suggestive - it’s precisely those people who have the most vehement kneejerk NOOOOPE reaction to the purity police, sometimes so powerfully that it resembles (or just straight-up is) a trauma trigger.

I’m not denying that one factor here is a certain sort of cultural puritanism, or saying that someone like me (because lbr, I am exactly the kind of person being described here) might not have some unexamined ideas they need to work on. Most human beings do, because y’know. We live in a society. Like I said, I don’t even have a problem with the phrase itself. And I generally keep this discomfort to myself, because I think I may not be the ideal person to make this point - it’s pretty easy for anyone who’s not inclined to agree with me to dismiss my opinions as defensiveness. So people will just have to take my word when I say that I’m mostly motivated here by an earnest belief that if you’re going to confront a problem it’s important to understand it.

Because I WAS raised in that environment, and I have an extremely good (some people might say “oversensitive”) radar for that particular brand of bullshit, and I’m telling you that when the rhetoric of ideological contamination is precisely the thing you’re trying to fight it’s counterproductive to fall straight into the rut of the same exact thinking yourselves. Yeah, maybe it’s a milder form. But it’s still the same basic logic chain of Bad Thing In Our Community [hysteria about dark or transgressive fiction] Imported By Undesirable Others [conservative fundamentalist Christians, or ex-Christians still unconsciously adhering to much of the worldview] With Incompatible Values [disgust-based morality and the belief that mere exposure to less-than-perfectly-wholesome subjects is inherently dangerous and/or corrupting]...with zero consideration of the possibility that the call might be coming from inside the house, so to speak. 

Imo you should always, always be wary of the idea that problems within a community are imported by a particular undesirable group, as opposed to arising organically from the structure of the community itself. The resemblance to fundamentalist Christianity is real (that’s why a lot of people find it triggering!) but a lot of what people are identifying specifically as “conservative protestantism”...isn’t. It’s dogma, and authoritarianism, and those are neither uniquely religious nor uniquely right-wing phenomena - they crop up anytime a large group of people derive such a sense of power or self or safety from a given way of thinking or doing things that the slightest bit of criticism or questioning or exploration of complexity is perceived as an existential threat. (In this case I think a lot of the issue is tied up with people seeking a sense of safety, and thus pretty sympathetic to a degree - but it’s still reactionary and harmful, and I don’t think you can address that if you get stuck on the idea that it’s an outside issue imported from religion.)

Basically I have no issue with the phrase itself, but I think the way a lot of people use it actively interferes with a fuller understanding of the problem.

(I also think this particular interpretation demonstrates a distinct lack of imagination about other people’s experiences - most people don’t just...abandon ideologies, especially ones that have been deeply instilled in them as the ultimate standard of truth and morality which they could be literally damned for challenging, without a lot of wrestling and soul-searching and leaning into questions and doubts; I wouldn’t say it’s impossible to do so without confronting the underlying structure of the worldview, but I would venture to guess that it’s relatively rare - as well as the broad difficulty a lot of folks seem to have conceptualizing why an oppressive environment might be harmful in and of itself, as opposed to just for the way it interacts with some facet of one’s identity like gender, race, queerness, etc. But those are larger discussions for another day, and also ones that I find much more personal and difficult and vulnerable to articulate.)

[ftslianne-blog]

            (  KIM  DOYEON  ,  CIS  FEMALE  ,  SHE/HER  )  did  you  just  see  LIANNE  RYU  pull  up  on  campus  for  the  new  semester  ?  they’re  the  TWENTY  ONE  year  old  in  DELTA  ZETA  ALPHA  right  ?  i  heard  they’re  a  TREASURER  .  it  makes  perfect  sense  because  they’re  RANCOROUS  ,  but  at  the  same  time  BEGUILING  .  i  wonder  when  the  black  sheep  is  going  to  drop  the  big  secret  that  they  PAID  OF  THE  PEOPLE  SHE  USED  TO  BULLY  TO  KEEP  HER  REPUTATION  INTACT  .  anyway  ,  i  constantly  hear  them  blasting  SPICE  GIRL  BY  AMINÉ  ,  tell  them  to  keep  it  down  ,  it’s  quiet  hours  .

            whew  ,  miss  doyeon  could  step  on  my  neck  !  hello  angels  and  gems  ,  i’m  koa  and  i’m  super  excited  to  be  here  .  i  love  a  good  greek  life  rp  ,  so  i  was  happy  to  come  across  this  in  the  tags  !  i’m  not  gonna  lie  ,  lianne  is  a  pretty  brand  new  muse  but  kind  of  a  mosh  of  characters  that  i’ve  played  in  the  past  ,  so  let’s  cross  our  fingers  that  all  goes  well  .  my  discord  can  be  shared  dependent  on  request  as  sometimes  it  doesn’t  want  to  let  people  add  me  ,  but  if  you’re  down  to  plot  in  the  dm’s  i’m  fine  with  that  too  .  i  have  a  link  to  some  connections  that  can  be  found  here  ,  and  at  the  bottom  of  this  intro  you  can  find  some  more  !  without  further  ado  ,  here  is  miss  lianne  ryu  !

BIRTH  NAME  :  ryu  do - hee  .  PREFERRED  NAME  : lianne  ryu  .   NICKNAME(S)  :  lia  ,  exclusively  . BIRTHDATE  /  AGE  : january  17th  ,  1999  /  21  . ZODIAC  :  capricorn  .   HOMETOWN  :  sherman  oaks  ,  california  (  take  a  peek  )  . GENDER  : cis  female  . NATIONALITY  : korean  -  american  . ETHNICITY  : korean  . HEIGHT  : five  foot  ,  eight  inches  (  5′8″  )  . LABEL(S)  : the  sovereign  ,  the  million  dollar  baby  ,  and  the  amaranth  . ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION  : biromantic  . SEXUAL  ORIENTATION  : bisexual  . OCCUPATION  : international  relations  major  at  ucla  ,  treasurer  of  delta  zeta  alpha  ,  and  outsider  hitter  for  the  women’s  volleyball  team  . LANGUAGES  SPOKEN  : english  ,  korean  ,  and  conversational  french  (  as  a  major  requirement  )  . POSITIVES  :  beguiling  ,  candid  ,  ebullient  ,  intelligent  ,  and  cosmopolitan  . NEGATIVES  :  rancorous  ,  haughty  ,  bull - headed  ,  unscrupulous  ,  and  sanctimonious  .

background  .

            bang  ji - eun  and  ryu  tae - ho  were  students  at  the  university  of  southern  california  when  they  met  one  another  .  tae - ho  was  a  human  rights  student  with  intent  on  becoming  a  lawyer  ,  and  he  encountered  the  beautiful  romance  language  and  literature  major  that  was  ji - eun  when  they  both  attended  a  peaceful  protest  .  the  two  wound  up  next  to  one  another  and  sparked  a  conversation  from  there  ,  and  once  their  protesting  was  over  ,  they  decided  to  go  on  a  date  that  very  same  night  .  their  relationship  was  something  of  a  whirlwind  ,  and  within  a  year  ,  the  two  were  eloping  at  the  courthouse  .  

            their  families thought  they  were  crazy  ,  especially  since  their  rings  consisted  of  little  cheap  ones  from  macy’s  (  and  tae - ho  proposed  with  her  favorite  food  )  but  it  was  that  shared  weirdness  that  kept  the  couple  together  .  as  tae - ho  worked  his  way  through  law  school  following  their  graduation  from  usc  ,  ji - eun  jumped  right  into  working  for  a  publishing  firm  .  the  couple  didn’t  come  from  a  wealthy  background  by  any  means  ,  but  they  were  living  comfortably  .  after  a  couple  of  years  of  marriage  ,  tae - ho  graduated  from  law  school  and  went  to  work  as  a  defense  attorney  .  it  wasn’t  an  easy  job  ,  but  he  loved  what  he  did  and  made  that  evident  in  the  work  that  he  did  .

            fast  forward  a  few  more  years  ,  and  ji - eun  has  moved  up  in  her  company  as  has  tae - ho  .  they’re  making  more  money  ,  and  they  make  their  move  to  the  beautiful  suburbs  of  sherman  oaks  .  they  work  hard  for  more  years  ,  and  just  as  they  enter   into  their  mid - thirties  ,  they’re  welcoming  their  first  and  only  baby  girl  into  the  world  .  they  decide  to  name  the  big  brown  eyed  baby  do - hee  ,  and  she’s  showered  in  their  love  .  her  parents  began  calling  her  lianne  from  the  time  she  was  a  baby  ,  often  switching  between  korean  (  where  they  called  her  do - hee  )  and  english  (  where  they  called  her  lianne  ,  but  sometimes  the  lines  blurred  )  .  as  lianne  grew  older  ,  her  parents  made  even  more  money  with  her  mom  becoming  the  editor - in - chief  of  the  publishing  house  and  her  father  becoming  one  of  the  most  sought  after  defense  attorneys in  the  los  angeles  area  .  

            for  lianne  ,  that  meant  growing  up  with  whatever  she  wanted  .  however  ,  her  parents  were  still  quite  hands - on  with  her  ,  so  she  was  never  left  in  the  care  of  nannies  .  she  grew  up  doing  everything  she  could  imagine  ,  but  that  didn’t  stop  her  parents  from  putting  her  in  different  week  long  camps  over  the  summers  .  she  tried  her  hand  at  tennis  camp  ,  basketball  camp  ,  ballet  camp  ,  and  even  a  stem  camp  ,  but  when  she  was  in  middle  school  she  attended  a  volleyball camp  right  before  her  seventh  grade  year  .  she’s  been  hooked  ever  since  .  lianne  always  made  sure  to  keep  up  her  grades  while  playing  because  she  never  wanted  to  miss  a  game  ,  so  it  was  no  surprise  when  she  obtained  a  partial  athletic  scholarship  to  ucla  !

            during  her  high  school  years  ,  though  ,  it  was  no  secret  that  lianne  was  at  the  top  of  the  social  ladder  .  she  played  a  sport  ,  was  whip  smart  ,  and  was  student  body  president  so  it  wasn’t  all  that  shocking  for  her  to  be  mean  to  the  students  around  her  .  it  wasn’t  necessarily  on  purpose  ,  but  she  can  be  quite  domineering  at  times  .  she  didn’t  know  how  to  take  no  for  an  answer  despite  not  being  ridiculously  spoiled  as  she  grew  up  ,  but  she  was  also  in  the  mentality  of  being  an  only  child  so  she  ultimately  did  get  what  she  wanted  .  she  definitely  wasn’t  the  bully  that  got  onto  people  about  their  lack  of  money  ,  but  she  was  definitely  going  to  get  in  your  face  about  voting  for  her  for  something  she  was  running  for  until  you  stuffed  the  ballot  with  her  name  .

            lianne  is  an  international  relations  major  at  ucla  and  she  joined  delta  zeta  alpha  during  her  sophomore  year  ,  and  worked  her  way  to  becoming  the  treasurer  of  the  srat  .  she’s  super  into  her  major  and  will  probably  go  off  to  work  in  politics  as  a  political  analyst  ,  or  she  might  pull  a  meghan  markle  (  also  an  international  relations  major  )  and  dismantle  a  royal  house  .  you  know  ,  icons  only  .  that  being  said  ,  she’s  still  relatively  new  so  i’m  still  working  out  some  kinks  ,  but  that’s  the  gist  of  my  daughter  !

headcanons  .

she  cruises  around  los  angeles  in  a  white  volvo  xc60  .  we  love  a  practical  queen  .

she’s  been  playing  volleyball  since  she  was  in  middle  school  ,  and  has  stuck  with  it  ever  since  .  she  does  club  during  the  summers  to  remain  in  shape  ,  but  she’s  sad  that  it’s  coming  to  an  end  .  

some  people  don’t  think  she’s  an  international  relations  major  because  she  wants  to  be  ,  but  she  does !  

that  being  said  ,  she  doesn’t  dress  as  conservatively  as  most  business  majors  but  she’s  very  serious  about  her  major  .

she’s  100%  based  on  red  head  doyeon  at  this  current  moment  but  black  haired  doyeon  is  gonna  make  an  appearance  once  i  get  tired  of  it  lmao  .  

a  tennis  skirt  enthusiast  .

she  uses  way  too  many  emojis  in  her  texts  and  that’s  never  going  to  change  .

she’s  most  comfortable  in  her  own  space  ,  but  she  likes  being  around  other  people  as  well  .  her  favorite  thing  to  get  food  from  is  leo’s  taco  truck  and  that’s  probably  never  going  to  change  .

personality  .

overall  ,  lia  is  a  girl  who  knows  her  worth  and  isn’t  going  to  let  you  forget  it  .  she’s  really  smart  ,  but  not  in  an  annoying  way  ,  and  she  definitely  won’t  dumb  herself  down  for  anyone  .  she  likes  to  have  fun  and  when  she’s  out  for  the  night  she  definitely  won’t  be  thinking  about  school  ,  but  if  she’s  studying  ...  don’t  even  ASK  her  to  go  out  .  you  gotta  have  a  solid  work  /  life  balance  ,  y’know  ?  very  headstrong  and  it  takes  a  lot  to  admit  that  she’s  wrong  ,  but  she’s  also  the  worst  person  to  cross  ,  so  be  careful  !  she’s  fun - loving  and  she  isn’t  an  outright  bitch  for  no  reason  ,  but  she’s  not  gonna  take  that  and  just  sit  back  with  it  .  she  barks  back  .

desired  relationships  .

            as  for  some  connections  ,  i’d  genuinely  love  just  about  everything  !  i’ve  listed  some  specifics  down  below  ,  but  if  you’d  rather  work  based  on  chemistry  or  if  you  want  to  simply  brainstorm  we  can  do  that  !  also  ,  if  you  had  anything  that  you  wanted  to  do  ,  please  let  me  know  !

a  best  friend  !  they  don’t  necessarily  have  to  be  from  delta  ,  but  honestly  someone  who  she  gets  along  with  the  best  and  who  she  can  really  be  herself  around  .

i’d  die  for  an  enemy  /  rival  ?  someone  who  she  genuinely  does  not  vibe  with  or  like  at  all  ,  and  there’s  really  no  way  of  them  ever  becoming  friends  .  they  probably  subtweet  each  other  or  be  really  shady  on  instagram  ,  but  they  feed  into  their  dislike  for  one  another  and  probs  let  their  friends  hype  them  up  sometimes  ?  i  don’t  want  to  godmod  the  plot  ,  but  it  could  it  could  be  fun  !

some  generic  things  like  friends  with  benefits  ,  gym  buddies  ,  high  school  friends  ,  confidant(s)  ,  good  or  bad  influence  ,  one  night  stand(s)  ,  ex(es)  ,  enemies  with  benefits  ,  and  frenemies  .

ooo  ,  a  squad  from  high  school  !  maybe  they’ve  since  drifted  a  part  or  they’re  still  as  close  as  ever  ,  but  omg  reliving  high  school  memories  🥺  .

alright  i  am  a  lover  of  any  and  everything  written  in  angst  ,  so  please  give  me  an  angsty  exes  thing  so  i  can  hand  you  my  heart  on  a  silver  platter  !  

a  slow  burn  /  will  they  ,  won’t  they  would  be  so  much  fun  too   ESPECIALLY  if  there  are  extenuating  factors  on  why  they  can’t  be  together  and  ugh  .  please  rip  my  heart  out  i’m  actually  begging  you  to  .

[paint-pilot]

shit it’s been a second, guess it’s time to update again

edit: holy christ this is long, i’m gonna readmore it. tl:dr tyler has many badweird feelings but is getting through it. fun body changes, including hair growth and an unexpectedly nice voice. surgery and legal matters are Annoying. tw for menstruation

it is truly bizarre to think that i’ll have been five months on t in a little under two weeks. another month after that and it’s half a year. it’s uhh...weird. quarantine has just made this all feel weird. it’s like i fast-forwarded through this whole journey i was supposed to go on i guess? like i got randomly torn out of my life one day in march with no warning and then just as suddenly got spat out in august with a new life - new name, new face, new major, new identity - and no transitional period whatsoever. my classmates, my professors, my students, they all have only known me as tyler. and only ever will know me as tyler. and that’s great! it’s great, and i’m truly just blown away by how markedly easy it’s been and how weirdly good my timing was in transitioning. but it almost feels like i’m still a ways behind everyone else, i guess. i’ve spent so much of my life hiding, and lying through my teeth, and covering my ass every second of every day to protect myself, and i don’t have to do that anymore but the instinct is 100% still there and that honestly doesn’t feel good. of course i’m not making any of it up - i’m happier now than i’ve ever been, and i know i’m making the right choice - but it still persistently keeps feeling that way.

it’s just difficult, i think, to balance wanting to be read as male (and, to a large extent, wanting to keep my transness hidden both for safety reasons and so people don’t start treating me differently) and finding it difficult to hide this truly massive life change that, like, four people are really seeing anything of. and y’all, i guess, lol. it’s one thing to talk about all this in therapy, but it’s another entirely to just be able to share it with strangers and not worry about it being weird.

i was writing this with the intent of it being a mostly happy update but i guess there is some negativity boiling up so. gotta be honest, i guess? there’s a lot of fun trauma stuff i’ve been going through lately that i won’t get into but it’s culminated with this bullshit in this really fun way where my mom gets upset because i get kind of uncomfortable when she shows me childhood photos or tells stories about me as a little kid and then i just break down for reasons i really can’t discern. i’m going to try and articulate this, and who knows how messy it’s going to get, so i apologize if it gets kind of incoherent from here on out. as far as i can tell the root thing that she really gets upset about is that i’ve “thrown away” my whole previous identity. like, not a direct quote, but “you can’t just pretend [deadname] never existed. because she did, for a long time.” and...sure, i guess. i know this has been hard on my mom. i know she was raised in a conservative family, and while she has worked hard to adopt an accepting and open mindset she still doesn’t 100% grasp all of it and will make mistakes. i’ve made my peace with that. and yet. it’s not so much, really, that i was this other person and then became tyler, y’know? tyler did not appear suddenly two years ago where she once stood. tyler put on a mask, even before he knew he was tyler, because tyler was scared and ashamed but people seemed to like her and, for a time, she was an easy person to be. and i hated her. that is so fucking scary for me to say, and i’m not sure i’ve admitted that until literally right this second, but i did. not because she was a bad person. because she had a voice and a face and a body that i hated. because people saw her and assumed they knew me. because even she had many faces, because there was no real base or identity to her, just traits designed to paint a pretty picture and make people like her. because i knew, when i finally threw her away, people would miss her. compare me to her. expect me to be like her.

so i don’t know. i don’t have a satisfying way to wrap this up, because i honestly don’t know how to face this because i know it is absolutely not just the trans thing that created this situation. i’m kinda warring with myself, because i do kinda want to go back through this blog and delete photos of myself with long hair and whatever (because jesus, i’ve had this thing since i was like 14) but i genuinely don’t know if that’s healthy. i know i’m going back on my bullshit, fretting this way and that over whether something is “healthy” as though that’s an objective term without considering what’s going to make me happy, but honestly? i don’t know anymore. i keep sensing the mental block - the swathes of my childhood that i cannot recall, just vague, constant unease - and i don’t really know if i want to dig into all of that and learn what lies underneath because i’m sort of afraid of it. like i said, i’m happy now, happier than i’ve ever been, and i’d sort of like to just leave it like that. but i guess the length and tone of this post might argue otherwise.

anyways. anyways. enough mental health therapy, more actual hormone therapy updates since that’s what this goddamn thing is supposed to be i think? i’m finally starting to grow some noticeable hairs - my chin hair is coming back after my mom made me shave it before i left for school lol, as are a handful of mustache/lower lip/sideburn hairs. i keep feeling phantom bugs on my legs/feet and i’ve only just now recognized that that’s just leg hairs brushing against places i’m not used to. my appetite has picked up like absolute hell again, too, so i don’t know if i’m just having a metabolic spurt or what. also, i’ve started bruising more? idk what the hell that’s about - i fucking never bruise unless i’ve been hit Hard, and i kind of assumed testosterone would make you less likely to bruise, but then that’s probably just not related to the hormones at all. i was gonna put this in the tags but seeing as this post is already so long i might as well put a readmore and just put this here lol: my period is late, like, four days late, which is exceedingly unusual for me and might mean i’m finally done. or almost done. fingers crossed.

my voice has started to settle, it seems like. i popped out an e2 yesterday, which is Sick, but i’m not as focused on that anymore as i am on the actual quality of my tone. which is...good? i’m not just a baritone, i’m kind of a good one, at least it seems like. i’m really working right now on just getting familiar with my instrument - i’m second-guessing my pitch sensitivity a lot, but i think i really just need to drill and practice until everything starts feeling like second nature again. but since the musical didn’t happen for me, my coach wants to enter me in a classical solo competition next spring. so...no more retirement from competitive singing. i’m back! and thank god, because i’m starting to go crazy without being in musical work lol.

jesus fuck, i have a lot to say. i should probably split this into two posts but i don’t care. i am frustrated; i tried to get an appointment with a pro bono legal program for a name change, but it happened today and i wasn’t invited so apparently i’m on my own. and i’m frustrated. i’m trying to look at internships and shit for next summer, but i kind of can’t apply right now because my legal name and sex don’t line up with my presentation, and i don’t really know how easy it is to get away with that in this day and age and especially in my field. genuinely, if anyone has any advice, i’d appreciate it. i don’t know how long this will take, i don’t know what the requirements are, i don’t know if i’m better off just applying now and hoping they don’t eliminate me before ever getting me an interview. and, of course, i’m working on getting consultations for top surgery, but i keep catching myself procrastinating that. which seems weird, but listen. i’ve said it before but i have to emphasize, i am capital-t Terrified of getting this surgery. i know i need to, i know it will make things better for me, i know now is the time, i know i hate binding and can’t really get away with not doing so, but jesus fuck i am so frightened of anesthesia it’s not even funny. but i guess i’m mostly just calling myself out here and telling myself to quit being a big baby, schedule the thing, and give myself a few months to prepare.

anyway. that’s all i have to say. i’d apologize for ranting, but honestly...i dunno. i know at the start of all this a handful of you requested these updates, and i have to imagine it’s because at least some of you are transitioning, are thinking of doing so, or know someone who is or will be soon. and i just hope someone out there can at least relate, because there honestly just aren’t a lot of comparable life changes out there. or maybe this is just therapeutic for me, that’s fine too.

i have two midterms next week i should be studying for. i should do that.

[littlemonstersau-blog]

Meet The Parents

Written by @jkl-fff, illustrated by me

————————————————————————————————

Bill, meticulously arranging props in front of laptop: … Okay, that looks enough like organization getting unintentionally messy … [puts cotton balls in cheeks to make them rounder, straightens tie, puts on stolen glasses, picks up pen] And now, to wait for the skyelp to come through! [bends over “homework” as if dutifully studying … holds exact pose for over 5 minutes while quivering with excitement]

*laptop chimes as skyelp comes online*

Dipper, excitedly: Will? You there? I’m here with Mom and— [registers costume (especially new additions of sweater vest, tie, and glasses) and gasps]

Bill, beaming and voice-cracking: Dippy!

Dipper, breathlessly happy: … h-hey there …

Ms. Pines, squealing softly to her husband: My gosh, he’s so cute!

Mr. Pines, just as softly and trying not to laugh: He looks like a tiny, Irish accountant. Like he’s balancing the ledgers for the Leprechaun King.

Ms. Pines: I know! I just wanna pat his chubby, little cheeks and put a pencil behind his ear!

Dipper, blushing: M-Mom! Dad! Don’t embarrass me with B-Will! [clearing throat] Um, Will. This is m-my Mom and Dad.

Bill, dripping with wholesome enthusiasm: Pleased to meecha, Ms. and Mr. Pines! I’m William Corduroy, but you can call me Will. Or even (ugh) Willy, if you like.

Ms. Pines: Well, Willy, it is sooo nice to finally meet you!

Mr. Pines, sternly: What are your intentions with my son? [gets smacked by wife while son groans] What? C’mon, I had to ask it at least once. I’m a dad!

Bill: My intentions? [flashes through everything he’s imagined doing with Dipper since the twins had to go home … it’s pretty wild; blushes; starts to sweat] hhh … HOLD HANDS! MAYBE KISS FACE! CH-CHERISH! [gestures helplessly at Dipper] I mean, look at him! What else could anyone intend with him?!

Ms. Pines and Dipper: D’awww!

Mr. Pines, still sternly: You tell me. What else do you intend?

Dipper, burying face in hands: Oh, Moses, Dad …

Ms. Pines: Dear, stop, you’re making the poor boys nervous. And teenage boys already sweat enough as it is. Just look at Dipper.

Dipper: Mom!

Ms. Pines, insistently: We can have a talk about … safety and responsibility later. [Bill and Dipper exchange a horrified look] Right now, we’re here to get to know Dipper’s little boyfriend. So stop acting out clichés for 5 minutes, please. Now, Willy … um … How’s your day been? What’ve you been up to?

Bill, relaxing visibly as things go back on script: Oh, y’know. Same old, same old. School. Now I’m just here at the library, gettin’ my homework done for the weekend. [gestures at prop “homework” like a good student] Sorry I couldn’t do this at home where you could meet my dad, but we don’t have a computer. If you can believe that. It’s also why I’m still wearin’ these school clothes.

Dipper, confused: School clothes? Gravity Falls schools don’t require uniforms. They’re public.

Bill: Oh, well … Today was … special.

Dipper: Did you … dress up just to impress my parents?

Bill, a little defensively: Golly, I just wanted to make a good first impression! So your folks’ll, y’know … like me. And let us keep being together.

Ms. Pines, charmed: Oh, don’t worry, Willy. It worked; I think you look absolutely darling!

Bill: Gee, thanks! I can see where Dippy gets his sweet personality!

Ms. Pines: Oh, you!

Mr. Pines, rolling eyes: Okay, honey, dial back the falling for cheesy compliments. Anyway, Will, what do you like to study?

Bill: Oh, I really like math. Especially … trigonometry.

Dipper, snorting: Pff! Seriously? Oh, um, inside joke.

Bill: Perpendicular.

Dipper: Hahaha! C’mon, man, be serious!

Bill: Let’s see … I also like psychology. Dream analysis is fun, ‘cause then I getta tell people that, like, I’m the boy of their dreams … analysis! At least, I getta tell Dipper that.

Mr. Pines, snorting: Okay, I’ll give you points for that one, kid. Dad Joke level of corniness. 6.5/10.

Bill, grinning: Gee, thanks!

Mr. Pines: You getting good grades in math and psychology?

Bill, playing at modesty: Oh, golly, sir. I don’t wanna brag … But it is easier to work hard when it’s fun, y’know? Unlike the way they do history classes here.

Mr. Pines: Boring teachers?

Bill: Yeah. Plus, they’re complete schills for the conservative military-industrial complex. It’s bad propaganda done borin’ly.

Mr. Pines, perking up: What makes you say that?

Bill: Oh, the usual. The don’t even teach that Ben Franklin was secretly Gwen Franklin, that JFK was killed by mobsters from the future to keep him from becomin’ a robo-dictator, and that Ronald Reagan was a mind-controlled puppet put in power by a conspiracy of billionaires to keep colonizin’ other countries for their resources and essentially slave labor.

Mr. Pines: Ugh! Tell me about it! And it’s all because they want to keep the populace uninformed and easy to pacify.

Bill, defiantly: But it’s not gonna work on me! Or Dippy! We do our own historical research and stick it to the man!

Mr. Pines: Boo-yeah! Tear down corporate capitalism! [turns to wife] Okay, I like this kid.

Bill: I can see where Dipper gets his keen judgment of character. Along with his striking good looks.

Mr. Pines: Oh, go on!

*Dipper gives bill a secret thumbs-up*

Ms. Pines, smirking: Okay, now who has to dial back the falling for cheesy compliments? [turns back to Bill] So, math and psychology and rebellious history study … Given any thought to what you’d like to do with those when you grow up?

Bill, feigning thoughtfulness: I … think … I’d … like to make video games. Coding and design and such. But ones that make players think and be creative.

Ms. Pines, impressed: Really? Has Dipper told you that’s the kind of work I do?

Bill: What? No! Gosh, Dippy, why’d you never tell me! That’s just swell, ma’am! What kind?

Ms. Pines: Indie games, so there’s a lot of side-scrolling and retro RPG elements—very basic gaming elements— but sooo much more heart. And, like, artistic integrity. The kinda stuff that really touches people.

Bill, starry-eyed: That’s the kinda stuff I wanna make!

Ms. Pines: It’s not easy … but it’s worth it. So, how’d you and Dipper meet? When’d you start dat—

Mr. Pines: Wait, sorry, hold up. Is that a freakin’ skull? [points at shelf]

Bill, genuinely surprised: What? [turns, has to take off glasses to actually see] Well, gosh, it looks like it is.

Dipper, mouthing silently: Why in the 79 hells would you even put that there?!

Bill, honestly: I’m honestly not sure why the library’d have that. I didn’t even notice it.

Mr. Pines: Might wanna get your prescription checked, kiddo.

Bill: They’re reading glasses, so …

Dipper, mouthing silently: Where’d you even … ARE THOSE GRUNCLE FORD’S?!

———

[Meanwhile, back at the Shack, Ford, stumbling around all squint-eyed: Ah, Stan, there you are! Have you seen my glasses?

Sascrotch, standing mutely like a taxidermied figure: …

Ford: It’s the darndest thing. I’d swear I set them on the end table when I laid down to take a nap, but couldn’t find them when I woke up. Of course, I’m not having much luck finding my glasses without my glasses.

Sascrotch: …

Ford: What? Oh, am I still getting the silent treatment for saying you’re too old to have hair that long?

Sascrotch: …

Ford, indignantly turning away: Fine, who needs you anyway? I’d find them without your hel—

Ford, tripping: AAA!

Ford, lying flat on his face: … I’m alright!]

———-

Bill, continuing as if to the Dad, but actually to Dipper: It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. [goes and puts a book in front of the skull] There! Problem solved!

Mr. Pines: Yeah, that’s much bet … Is that The Necronomicon?!

Bill, genuinely surprised again: … Huh. Looks like it is. [picks it up, pages through it … shakes head] Nah, it’s just The Nockoffronomicon. You can tell ‘cause it doesn’t mention Shaggy or even Bob. And instead of Cthulhu, it’s dedicated to Cthhula. [puts different book in front of skull] The best dancer among the Elder Gods, am I right?

Mr. Pines: Heh … 7/10 for that one.

Bill: Gee, thanks! Anyway, um … D’you mind if I tell ‘em, Dippy? You’re sure it’s okay? [pretending to get bashful] So, um … Dippy used to have a crush on my big sis, Wendy. And ‘cause she works at the Shack, they’d be, like, hanging out together a lot. He even came over to the house a few times. And, um, naturally I had a crush on him from the get go, ‘cause just look at him! Who wouldn’t?

Dipper, blushing: Ah, jeez …

Ms. Pines: D’awww!

Mr. Pines, grudgingly: D’awww …

Bill, making himself grin and blush wholesomely: So I started coming along to hang out. Then, before I knew it, it was just us hanging out alone together. And we were exploring the woods one day when we found some wild mistletoe—golly, I told him, “That’s wild mistletoe. That’s what it looks like in the wild.” and then he said … No, he stepped under it first, then he said, “Guess we gotta kiss now.”—and so we kissed.

Mr. Pines, slapping his son on the back: You sly, little dog!

Bill: And I was like, “Gee, that was swell!” Can you believe it?! Real lame-o line to follow a first kiss, right? And he was like, “We could do it again, if you want.” And I said, “But, gosh, we’re not even dating! Everyone’ll think I’m a boy-floozy!”

Ms. Pines: HA! Oh, that’s precious!

Bill, giggling: Y-yes, ma’am! It was! And then Dippy, he said, “Well, be my boyfriend. We’ll start calling our hang-outs dates, and I’ll fight anyone who calls you a floozy.” It was soooo chivalrous!

Dipper, beet red and with his hands in his face: Stahp …

*a while later, after the parents have left*

Dipper, relieved: That … That went a lot better than expected. And they sure loved Willy Corduroy.

Bill, self-assuredly: Natch. I’m inescapably charming, no matter the alias. [pulls out cotton balls and tosses them in the trash] If you ever call me Willy, though, I will shank one of your stuffed animals. That was me takin’ one for the team. Which is us, by the way. The team is us.

Dipper: Heh! Yeah, I gathered that.

Bill: Still, I’m surprised they never asked about my eyes …

Dipper: Oh, I “warned” them in advance. Told them you had a medical condition, and that you were really sensitive about it.

Bill: Good thinking. You’re so smart. And handsome. And sexy.

Dipper, grinning: Stahp!

Bill, grinning back: Nope. Never. Because I love you.

Dipper: Hehehe! I love you, too … Willy!

[dgcatanisiri]

So... I have had THOUGHTS swirling in my head, and, well, I need to word vomit some. This gets LONG. I apologize for the lack of a cut, but nowhere really seemed fitting during my writing.

If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s going around - an article about fandom hating on women. A very long, very researched article. And I absolutely do not dispute that core premise. I am not going to dismiss the work that the writer put into it. I am not standing here saying to dismiss it at all. And, hell, I DO feel a little uncomfortable, writing this massive response to it, being a man writing something that is directly responding to a female experience. Just... My brain would not let me focus unless I wrote this all down, and wrote out my feelings on the matter to a conclusion.

When I first saw it the other day, it sparked a rant of my own, because something about it didn’t sit right. Its focus is on how this hatred of women has gone after those who ship a certain ship, one I avoid calling by name for a very specific reason. That reason being I legit fear being bombarded by people who search the tags for that ship getting a ping of me commenting about it negatively and lashing out at me.

Now, I am not saying that I discount the article writer’s experience or research. Far from it. This is, much as I am loathe to use the term, something I am willing to say that, within the fandom, develops an element of “both sides” to it, where an incident with one side (those in favor of the ship) leads the other (those against it) to respond on the defensive, and back and forth and back and forth, intensifying in each volley, because one random stranger attacked another random stranger and made them hostile to a third random stranger saying things similar to the first, and so on down the chain. It’s like the game of Telephone, just played with tactical nukes.

But, the thing for me in that rant, is that there is a very blatant MISSING of the element of racism that fueled that ship that will not be named, of there being a significant element of the fandom around that ship transplanting the characteristics and even history of the character played by the black man onto the character played by the white man. Like, talk about sock puppet accounts fanning flames and all, but I’ve SEEN fics for this pairing that vilifies the black man and props up the white man. I have SEEN the massive metas that try to explain how the white man kidnapping this woman involved a bridal carry that expresses his true love for this woman he’s just met, interpreting and reinterpreting and pouring over the screentime they have, and only a fraction of it being spent on what seemed like, in the first appearance of these characters. I have SEEN the ignoring and transferring of character backstories repeatedly. Like... Those are a lot of work for it to be mostly the work of sock puppet accounts - A Tweet is easy. A 15000 word fanfic takes time and effort. A meta dive that rivals the length of this post takes time and effort. 

That’s been MY experience in seeing this ship. That’s why I’m being non-specific, because I’ve SEEN the hostility come in and I am taking the steps that I can to avoid that coming in to my inbox. And even when it’s not hostility... I’ve gone and explored the tag for the female character in this pairing. On those occasions, frequently content solely for her is drowned out by the content for the pairing, or about her influence on him. His tag does not have the same issue - there, it’s probably around half shipping content, half individual character content. What I see is that she is neglected by those who claim to see her as part of the pairing they love, and he gets glorified. 

That’s the sexism that I see. That’s where I see the hatred of women happening. On the part of those who claim to love this pairing, but that really seems to just mean that they love him and want to make her stand in emotionally for everything they want to give him. That those who are against the pairing, at the least, want to see that character in particular, her unique characterization and dynamics, in a relationship with someone who is going to treat her with compassion, consideration, and respect.

And, of course, there’s the issue of the fact that this pairing EXPLODED in popularity, while her relationship with another character, with a black man, was from pretty much day one minimized and reduced and ignored, and the damage reflected into the on-screen portrayal so that they never really had any character rebound from the imposed separation in the middle of this content, while strengthening the reduction of this female character to the white guy’s sexy lamp.

It’s not that I’m opposed to women in fandom or that I see something inherently wrong with whoever ships this pairing. It is that I have seen the blatant and thinly veiled racism implicit in the ways that these people go about shipping it, dismissing and denouncing the canon portrayal of an interracial relationship, to the point that when even the (notoriously tumultuous) production came back to write the stories that followed up on their initial appearance, that black man and his relationship with this white woman was downplayed and rendered “less important” to her connection and relationship with the white man - the white man who, in that first appearance, had kidnapped and tortured her, greatly wounded her friend, and killed her mentor. 

Like, I’m just saying, I do not see how one goes from that point to everlasting true love, but I CAN see how that leads to a deep abiding hatred. And yet, you know, nearly 16000 fics for it on AO3, while only about 10% of the other pairing. So, hey, I guess I’M wrong.

This is, again, to say nothing of the reductionary way many portrayals of this ship approach the female half - she loses her characterization in their portrayals to become a stand-in for the (predominantly) female writer/reader, whose love redeems the bad boy from the darkness in his soul. Her contribution, as a singular, unique character vanishes so that she becomes his reward for turning around, and she cheers him on, supporting him while never upstaging him.

It’s the Twilight phenomenon all over again. And I say that as a fact statement, not a value judgement, that this is the kind of thing that we saw within the reactions to Twilight, a vocal segment dismissed it entirely, and we saw a relationship be romanticized when you could actually use it as a bullet-point list of abusive behavior (I say this because it has been - there are plenty of articles using those characters as such). 

I mean, I can easily see this whole thing basically as being “well, the Twilight readers are now adults, let’s throw them a bone and “grow up” the characters for them” on some level. And... Actually, this is going to get off topic, let’s stick a pin in this and come back.

So, look, if this ship is your jam, fine, okay? I’m not making any individual value statements on the subject. You do you. I’m not shaming that act in and of itself, even if, as I’ve made very clear, it is very much NOT my thing. Likewise, I won’t discount that it was investors and shareholders, a notoriously conservative group, who got cold feet and basically wanted to excise the “risk” of an interracial relationship, as opposed to trying to “appease the fans” or something like that.

Like, I know I’m not immune to propaganda. I know I don’t look too deep when a random post crosses my dashboard and talks about this group of people behaving badly - because I’ve seen fandoms and productions be racist. I’m not trying to start a round of victimization Olympics here, but in this case, this is discussing an issue that is wrapped up in BOTH sexism and racism. And on the one hand, that certainly makes it all the easier for bad faith actors to kick up dust and turn people against one another.

BUT...

As important as it is to bring up these issues on their own, you CANNOT. DISENTANGLE. THEM. FROM. EACH OTHER. Like, there are patterns to fandom. You see this repeat itself in every fandom. Fandom at large latches on to a pairing, and shoves most others to the margins. And frequently, when the media in question centers on a character of color, THEY are shoved aside in order to prop up a pairing of white characters. Major canon characters who are not white become secondary - or tertiary - characters in terms of their fandom’s creative output. This happens frequently enough that to try and say “well, maybe the character is just not appealing to the fandom” is actively ignoring the issue.

And this often takes the form of shoving aside healthy relationships and solid, established friendships in the name of pairing up antagonistic characters, declaring the antagonism to be “sexual tension,” that the characters dislike each other not because... y’know, they dislike each other, but because they’re repressing a deep-seated desire to fuck, and THEN they’ll miraculously starting being nice to one another.

Like, this is NOT an isolated thing, you can look beyond the scope of this particular fandom and this pairing and see the pattern repeat itself across media. It is still the outlier when the main fandom pairing is an interracial M/F pairing. 

It’s not isolated. But it’s magnified given the massive size of this fandom in particular. This is a generational fandom, where parents - even grandparents - are sharing it with their children. And those biases we as an audience have reinforce themselves on subconscious levels, we don’t even acknowledge these things until we finally have it pointed out to us - and then we see it everywhere, because we have been blind to it, but it is all over our media, our fiction, baked into the very tropes we are using to assemble our stories.

Pull out that pin, we’re back. When something engages with multiple generations, when this is something you can look back on as a fond memory you shared with prior generations, with people you love, you will become protective of that thing. So when someone comes along and says “hey, [thing] has issues with [whatever],” a gut reaction is to get defensive, coil protectively around it. 

I mean, tell a millennial you don’t like The Lion King (original animated version, I mean), and you’re liable to get crucified. And it traces its lineage to (at a minimum) Shakespeare and probably further. So if, for example, you want to criticize it for, say, only have three female characters of note, none of whom actually interact, in opposition to the nearly three times as many male characters of note, you need to approach the subject with some delicacy (okay, maybe not the most fitting example, since this was part of the reason that the Broadway version made Rafiki a woman, so the issue Is Known, but it does get the point across, okay?).

And it’s the same when it comes to a subject like this particular fandom and media that isn’t just something many get hooked on in their childhood, but is also something that may be among the fond and cherished memories of family figures, some who may have passed on. To say “that thing you love is flawed” becomes a personal attack, not just on you for loving it, but also that beloved family member who brought it into your life.

And absolutely, this is not a rational reaction. It’s pure emotion. But we are emotional beings, and we need to acknowledge that emotions will make us respond and often respond quickly and respond poorly.

Here’s where I think the bigger issue lies if what you want to talk about is how fandom hates women - rather than look at it in the lens of “this ship is called abusive and racist,” go in the direction of “why is THIS ship the one that seems to resonate?”

Because this is the kind of ship that fandom, as a monolithic entity, often gravitates to - the dynamic that says that being enemies will inevitable lead to being lovers. 

Once again, I do not want to shame anyone for enjoying this dynamic. Lord knows my search history has instances of them. BUT... We don’t really know how to approach the dynamic. It is frequently reduced to “well, we made out, so now I’m gonna become the snarky asshole friend no one likes and we’ll bone.” 

Like in general, writing redemption arcs seems to be a hard thing for media, but it really seems to only work when the active narrative endpoint does not end in a major romance - when a romance becomes a major narrative element in said redemption arc, it frequently reduces the subject to “[character] was bad, now they’re in love, so they’re good!” No further work needs to be done.

And so when you have a character who is in need of redemption, it is a problem to just toss them at another character and have them make kissy faces. But that’s what you can sum up much of the concept of enemies to lovers in this fashion. The work isn’t done to show the earning of redemption, just declaring it attained because of another character’s love.

And I’m being intentionally non-specific with gender, because I do have a prominent example of this happening in a female/female fanon relationship in mind, which I am also avoiding mentioning in the name of discretion. So this isn’t solely a M/F phenomenon. This is a media thing, this is an “our understanding and approach to these dynamics and portrayals in media seems flawed and needs examination” thing. 

I mentioned Twilight above, and how that features a relationship that is used as an example of domestic abuse. Now, look, we can go back and forth about interpretation, the thing to acknowledge about it is that there are a great many who walked away from these books, their movie adaptations, and saw this particular interpretation. While you can probably take any relationship in any media and spin it in such a way, I think there is something to be said for the ensuing argument: When this is exposed to young people who are beginning to seek out romantic relationships, if their example for what love is, what love looks like, has a basis that, based solely on interpreting the text alone, the actions and words of the characters involved, the narrative text, the exploration of their thoughts, is unhealthy, is something that doesn’t need to have a word or action changed to be legitimately cited by experts within domestic abuse counseling as the warning signs... What does that say about our perceptions of what love even is?

And this isn’t getting back into the element of racism, either. Because we could go in that direction, where the black characters in fandom see this selective reinterpreting of their characters, turning what are gentle, caring, loving men into scary figures who loom ominously when they feel threatened, which starts to seem like all the time. There are a set of stock characterizations for black characters, for really any minority character, and the fandom will make them exhibit them in their interpretations, even if it does not fit anything established on screen.

There are a lot of threads that tie into the problems within this fandom and in the approach to this ship in particular. I feel like just pulling at one of them is doing so at the expense of the others, ones that run as deep if not deeper. And it seems like a disservice, both to the complexity of the issue and to anyone impacted by these matters, to only do that deep dive on the one. And, if you are not capable of doing it alone, which, I understand, this is a tall order, then I think it also is important to acknowledge this and actively seek out the alternate views and perspectives that aren’t just total opposition to you (meaning the references to the groups that sprung up in alt-right forums and such), but also those who are going to say “okay, maybe you’re right about x, but your statement on y are missing a lot of context you do not have from your position,” and seek the necessary education.

While I can appreciate the time and effort put into this article and the points it wants to make, it IS wrapped up in elements that run far deeper than any single ship, and just really seems to ignore the intersectional element of fandom at large, how fandom’s problem run deeper than just hating women. To talk about how fandom hates women, you are also needing to open the door to how fandom hates black people, hates people of color.

There is a hierarchy to this, and at best, you are missing a lot when you only focus on the top layer of the issue, rather than even acknowledging the deeper dive that inevitably comes from this. Like, it’s bad for a white woman, dealing with sexism. It’s worse for black women, dealing with sexism AND racism. It is something of a position of privilege to only examine the sexism in fandom, without exploring or acknowledging the racism.

Fandom’s hatred of women IS real. I am in no way disputing that. But I do not think that this is the best example to that point, because it becomes all too easy to dismiss the valid complaints and concerns with the trolls and bots and sock puppets found in the process that deserve legitimate consideration - this is one of the things I have been over when I have (oh god, I’m about to break the self-imposed rule and directly reference the media and characters in specific...) been over the problems I have with The Last Jedi. It’s not that I dislike Rose or Holdo, but I feel like they came into the narrative to teach Finn and Poe (both men of color) lessons that either comes at the expense of the previous’s movies arc for Finn or the previous movie’s characterization for Poe. It is not the characters themselves, it is the utilization within the narrative, using these women to impose a lesson on these characters. That, as I said above, Rey is reduced to a sexy lamp, there to try and bring back to the light a character she has no reason to ever even care about.

That was my experience with The Last Jedi - I had honest issues with the film that weren’t “women? In my Star Wars? Unpossible!” But the surrounding discourse CONSTANTLY felt so toxic to anyone who disagreed with the idea that it had been a win, that it was a bold new direction for the series, and that anyone who disagreed MUST be a sexist/racist/whatever who couldn’t take a changing face to the franchise. 

Hell, that may even be why I got this ultimate feeling of defensiveness, both in my opinion of TLJ and the ship in question (yeah, that one I’m still not acknowledging), because what I saw was a lot of really prominent voices not seeing the issues I did, and making it come across like the people who disagreed with them HAD TO BE the ones who were mad on the basis of characters like Rose and Holdo existing, or complaining about Leia’s Force use, or things like that. But... THOSE things weren’t my issues. But I couldn’t talk about those issues on any platform where there was regular engagement on the subject, considering the amount of explanation I would have to do.

Probably also explains some of my inherent response of trying to figure out how I feel about this article, too, come to think of it...

That was how things were after TLJ, and that’s when a lot of this push and pushback really started to gain traction as far as I can see. And maybe we could go and blame this on *ahem* bigger issues that were happening in 2017/2018 that proceeded to exacerbate matters. Like, we’re still in the midst of cleaning up the worst of all of what went on because of the time we live in, since things are still getting messier while we deal with prior fallout.

So... I honestly don’t know how to sum this up as a TL;DR. It was kind of a process for me to get to this point, and I don’t even know if I really have a conclusion. The best way I can go about summarizing is that I do not disagree with the article’s core idea. But I do not agree with its focus, while I understand that a portion of it, if nothing else, justifies why it is the focus. We are dealing with a very complex and complicated web of issues on this, and while I understand focusing on a single thread of that web, it feels like doing so also fails to acknowledge the various connected threads that wrap around that singular thread, in particular the racial elements, which, considering the profile image included, I do not believe this article was written by someone who is inherently aware of these aspects (while I’m also aware that, as a white person myself, I only have so much room to talk). This is all a very long way for me to go about saying “fandom has a lot of issues.”

[davidmann95]

So, Superman, Action Comics, Justice League, Superman: Up, Up, and Away, and other titles... how do you feel about Superman's place right now?

Comics-wise? Superman’s in an incredibly positive place right now! Action Comics is generally being regarded as a really solid book. Superman: Up Up and Away is largely I think going to achieve deserved perennial status even with the one truly bad chapter weighing it down that’ll be reprinted in #3. He just had an absolutely phenomenal showing in Justice League in that book’s best arc since the Morrison years with The Sixth Dimension!, with by all appearances more quality Superman content to come from that corner. And while even as the official Bendis Superman liker I’m ready for the Unity Saga to be done in Superman proper, I’m still enjoying it and I’m incredibly excited by the descriptions of upcoming stories suggesting it’ll tap back into the promise of the first issue by dealing with the likes of (rot13) na rivy Ybvf Ynar pbzznaqrrevat gur Sbegerff, gur Yrtvba neevivat gb erpehvg Wba, naq Fhcrezna'f arj wbo qrfpevcgvba bs Cerfvqrag bs Rnegu. Fuck, I’m even one of the two weirdoes who thought Superman: Year One’s first issue had worthwhile elements. Throw on Lois Lane and Superman’s Pal, Jimmy Olsen, from what I understand Supergirl being merely forgettable rather than actively bad at the moment, a AAA Legion of Superheroes relaunch on the horizon with at least one major connection back to him, and Superman serving as the spiritual linchpin of the Wonder Comics line, and this is the best his lineup has been since the mid-00s, if not in fact in decades.

That all being said:

Anonymous said: Will Superman ever truly escape the shadow of the Jurgens mediocrity and the latest Tomasi mediocrity (with a renewed dose of Jurgens) in the long term? Or are we doomed to more Doomsdays and dull text lacking ambition, imagination and execution, which keeps reasserting itself in the place where greater texts (read Morrison Action, or Maggin in general) oughta be?

Truthfully, much as I rag on the both of them, they’re symptoms rather than the issues themselves. It’s from an editorially-enforced popular conception of Superman - one most easily traced back to John Byrne and the Donner movies, but its roots are in his vague public image period - as fundamentally a simple character inhabiting a simple world, whether that’s considered his charm, his damnation, or the simplest way of dealing with him on the part of those who don’t really give a shit. And damn it, it’s successful up to a point, and it’s safe. Which makes it potentially more corrosive to his image in the long-term than even the try-hard faux-deep darkening of his world, since that tends to receive immediate, severe backlash.

Bendis has his Bendis-isms I know rankle people, same goes for King, but ultimately they’re writing fairly classical takes on Clark himself. The scope of the backlash beyond the very fact of their names I think comes down to that there’s flavor and there’s risk to what’s being done with Superman at the moment, that it’s about stuff other than how great he is and how great he makes us feel, and a whole lot of people find that antithetical to his whole deal or at the very least a warning sign of doom to come. In a post-Snyder world folks are wary and looking for the next incoming blow, but even that aside there’s a whole lot of people who think this is all there is to Superman…

…and plenty believe that’s exactly how it should be.

(Fuck I hate that page, all the failings of What’s So Funny About Truth, Justice, and the American Way? and Secret Origin amplified and condensed into a single moment of square-jawed, smirking, condescending ‘wholesome’ small-c conservative Americana lecturing us cynical modern city folks on how you just gotta be nicer and love the problems away - I suppose it’s actually perfect Manchester Black is the final villain of the run and that arc specifically.)

Add that a lot of the best creators such as Maggin, Busiek, Waid, and Ennis are either thoroughly in the rear-view mirror or have scattered/sporadic/relatively little work with him, or both, and that Morrison’s Action was swept up in the same issues as the above? And that the last Superman story smacking of rocking the boat that still went on to generally widespread acceptance and acclaim in American Alien almost immediately became one we by and large Do Not Talk About Anymore because of, y’know, all that stuff? While meanwhile the very fact of the simple takes on Superman being simple means they’re easy to repackage? I actually don’t think the Rebirth years will have much staying power outside a devoted few given they’re roped pretty heavily into continuity shenanigans, but Death of Superman is sticking around forever.

The boring, impossibly difficult solution is “do really good stuff with Superman for decades until that becomes the predominant image of him”. Somewhat more practically even if it’s still by no means simple, what the dude really needs - much as I’m enjoying the current status quo and will take it for as long as I can get it given the general alternatives - is something akin to a Ewing and Bennett on Hulk, or Hickman and company on X-Men. An impossible-to-overlook new injection of vitality into the title/s by creators with both the skill and fandom clout to get away with that sort of thing and be widely embraced for it, who can do something Big and New and Exciting that without twisting away from what it’s always been about at heart show it’s more than worth taking the leap towards something more nuanced and energetic and bolder. Not that that would stop plenty of crap Superman comics being made, comics even that would actively, consciously work to undo whatever such a run brought to the table to return it to the glory years of Jurgens and Tomasi. But it would make the sort of impression that means that eventually someone would be dedicated to recapturing those ideas and that spirit, in the same way that no matter how many crap comics Daredevil or Batman might get in a row there’s an understanding now that they simply won’t be permitted to go too long without a major fan-favorite run under their belts. Not a perfect solution, but we don’t live in a perfect world.

[feifiefofum]

anti sjw star trek fans

what the hell’s going on? like, are you getting the same message from the show that i’m watching?

like, star trek has always been an sjw show. if not outright on the left, definitely left leaning. always has been. where do you get the idea that they were ever on the right wing conservative side?

was it the space communism/socialism that made you think it was on your side?post scarcity society? ferengi were called a ‘young race’ and ‘foolish’. if you missed it, ferengis represented capitalism.

was it the fact that it has always been anti-war? the federation, the big military of the show is constantly all about, what was it again? exploration, meeting new life forms, building bridges. 

y’know, kinda the opposite direction that the right wing’s all about.

when racism was still fashionable, they put an interracial kiss on air. when global warming was still being covered up by big oil, they criticized the short sighted nature of their own federation to make a point.

in the tng era, there had been female admirals. in case you military otakus can’t figure it out, they outrank your precious picard, who’s a captain.

star trek has always tried to be on the leading edge of social discussion points. the thing with discovery and the klingons? allegory for terfs and feminism.

don’t believe me? unifying voice calling for social change in a people, the message is co-opted and used instead to cause harm and distort the original message of the founder of said movement, leading to a split where those who called for unity now have to regain control of the movement. sounds like a social issue to me.

second season’s a little easier with the whole surveillance state thing and losing control of an empire/republic/federation to said secret spy organization with no oversight. also a side-eye at out of control AI.

picard is so easy, i shouldn’t even have to go into it. fear of the unknown, leading to persecution, leading to a glorious backhand across the face of bigotry. self fulfilling prophecies and all that. you hate them, they’ll hate you right back.

and then there are some y’all complaining about how ‘it don’t make sense for spock to have a secret sister’. completely forgetting the fact that until his parents came onboard the enterprise, james didn’t even know they were spock’s parents. 

y’know, his bestest space husband. who i’m sure he tells everything to. including the fact that he was engaged to some vulcan broad. who tried to orchestrate his death so she won’t have to marry him. y’know that talkative bastard.

and i’m hearing some rumblings in some corners of the fandom, that picard don’t make sense. if the romulan homeworld was destroyed, where’d they get all them warbirds? forgetting the fact that spock created a fucking blackhole and traveled back in time. forgetting that this solution was the experimental wacky science kind so you’d want to evacuate just in case this don’t pan out. forgetting that a supernova could affect lightyears worth of a sector. remember that futurama episode where a star went supernova and there was that throwaway line about billions suffering but at the right distance, the radiation acted as a ‘love ray’? remember science? 

but where’d they get them warbirds? if my mentioning the fact that spock curtailed the worst of it didn’t patch the plothole for you, and the fact that they also had access to a friggin’ borg cube along with said tech goodies to go with it, well, i’m sorry, but you can’t extrapolate for shit.

look, picard tells us that no society just breaks past bigotry and fear and stays enlightened forever. it warns us that we can’t be complacent, that we can backslide as a society and be every bit as unsightly as we are today.

and frankly, i think that’s a pretty good point. 

discovery told us to 1) the logical route (shoot first and survive) may not be the morally right route and 2) complacency and feeding our personal information to big data is not a good idea. season 1 did it better, but the first episode just puts out the thesis. should we be moral always or morally flexible? captain georgiou (goddess, ephemeral, phenomenal, perfection, please step on me) says we should stick to our guns, always. burnham says, uh, not if it gets us killed. by the last episode, michael comes around to phillippa’s way of thinking and thus graduates to the mindset of the usual captains of starfleet that the audience sees.

basically those that hate burnham could probably learn a thing or two from her. about learning a thing or two. because i have to spell it out for you. honestly, i have no faith in your lots ability to read between the lines.

also, why you hatin’? it’s so rude? like, she’s too vulcan, and she’s not vulcan enough. like completely forgetting her backstory where she’s raised by human parents for a good ten years. then a vulcan education. of course it’s going to be a bit of mish mash of both cultures. and are we really forgetting the fact that vulcans are hardcore emos that said ‘yo, that’s embarrassing, let’s be logical and shit’. like pretty sure that’s mentioned in tos, tng, ds9, voy, ent, and dsc. like, smooth waters have hidden depths. 

i seem to have lost the thread of this, but star trek has always been about that sjw juice. do they show side titty to distract the right from the sjw agenda? hell the fuck yes, from tos to seven of nine, to captain georgiou (again, goddess, step on me, don’t even care if it’s former empress georgiou, either or-) star trek has always been about anti-bigotry, equality and putting women on the bridge of a fucking starship, from uhura, to janeway to michael fucking burnham. try to point at any episode that’s supposedly right wing, and you’ll probably just see a nazi getting punched instead.

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Two Hundred Fourteen: New Coat ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: A Light Amongst Shadows ] [ AO3 Link ]

Hinata has always been the frugal type. Her clan’s rather conservative ways - including the monetary - were drilled into her from an early age. Spending money on anything superfluous - even clothes she thought she didn’t really need, or a simple snack when she really wasn’t that hungry - would nag at her until she gave in and let the guilt outweigh her wants.

As soon as she started earning from her missions, nearly every spare bit was socked away and saved. While many of her friends would spend their ryō on outings and meetups in Konoha, Hinata always managed to dodge the events...either by skipping them altogether, or insisting she wasn’t hungry when they went for lunch, or that she’d just gotten new clothes when dragged into a boutique with the other girls of her year.

Even after the war, old habits are hard to break...but she does her best to try to...relax. The past year has taught her a lot...and she keeps learning as she goes. Life is short. What’s going to be the point in keeping so much money saved up if she ends up dying young? Sure, the war is leading to great change...but many aspects of their world are still dangerous. She still takes missions. Still puts her life on the line as a now-jōnin. Sure, she can leave it to someone - most likely her sister. But the Hyūga clan’s stinginess regarding money means having rather hefty coffers. Even without her sister’s potential inheritance, Hanabi will never want for anything.

And, well...it’s not like she has any children to leave it to.

...yet.

So...Hinata starts taking baby steps. A little trinket here, a little edible goodie there. Nothing extreme, nor too frequent. Just allowances to her own money, and her own happiness.

And as she gets to know Sasuke - another previous penny pincher - she only gets better. He, too, clung to every spare monetary reward. While the Uchiha fortunes were tucked away for him ‘when he got older’, he had a small allowance from it to live on...and anything extra, he’d keep in case of an emergency. Like Hinata, he really had no need to...even if it was unwittingly, his clan and family left him a generous living...that was regulated by the village until he reached adulthood.

And by some miracle, it wasn’t stolen away during his absence. With not just himself, but Itachi and Shisui too returned to Konoha...that money was very quickly taken back into their custody, and the village has no more hands in their pockets.

Even so, he remains a fairly light spender. His rather focused lifestyle as a child means little attachment to things. He hates clutter, and finds little point in things like knick knacks. Sentimental objects are another story...but those rarely have to be bought.

But even he notices that Hinata takes a bit...too far. So he tries to encourage her.

“Hm...I don’t know…”

“Get it.”

“But- ?”

“You like it, don’t you?”

Hinata looks back to the shirt she’s eyeing. “...well, yes. But -”

“Do you think it would afford you its price worth in happiness?”

A blink, and then she checks the tag again. She’s...never thought of it that way before. “...I...think so.”

“Then get it.”

“But I have a full wardrobe already -”

“Then why are you looking?”

Lips pursing at his incessant questions. “I...I don’t know…”

“If you don’t actually want something here, then there’s no point. If you want something, but aren’t going to let yourself have it, you’re just being mean to yourself by standing here and pining over it. It’s an article of clothing. It’s not going to expire. You can wear it as much as you want until either it wears out, or gets torn, or you outgrow it. Point is...you like it, you want it, you’ll use it, and it’s hardly about to wipe out your savings. So why say no? And no,” he cuts in, seeing her open her mouth, “saying you already have clothes doesn’t cut it. It’s still something with a use. Having another in your arsenal doesn’t detract from what you have. If anything, they’ll all last a little longer because you have another to cycle through.”

The pair stare at one another, and...Hinata finds she has no retort. “...okay, fine. But just this one.”

Sasuke nods.

Baby steps.

On their way up to pay, having to stop behind a few other customers, Hinata glances around idly...and then pauses. There’s a clearance rack in a corner...she hadn’t seen that before. And just in plain view, as though taunting her...is a beautiful cream and lilac coat. It’s long, and on her petite height, it would practically reach the ground. Long, swooping sleeves...a hood...and a zipper.

...oh no...she wants it…

Sasuke, staring off almost dazedly as they wait, startles back to the present as Hinata bustles by him. Watching her go, he sees as she tugs it out from the rack a bit to get a better view. A sly smile grows on his face, sauntering over. “...find something else…?”

Her lips purse in a pout. “...I already said I would...that I would only get one thing…”

“...and?”

“...and...it’s the middle of Summer. I don’t need a coat.”

“Winter will be here before you know it.”

“I...I have a coat…”

“That’s the same one you’ve had for years.”

“It...it’s still…”

“Hinata…”

She gives a light whine.

“Look...it’s half off. No one wants to buy coats right now because it’s hot. But that just means you can tuck it away until it gets cold again, and then you’ll have a pretty new coat to wear this Winter.”

“But Sasuke-kun…”

“You’re not convincing me that you don’t want it.”

She mumbles something he can’t quite hear.

“What?”

“I...I want it…”

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Flushing pink in a mix of embarrassment and frustration, she repeats, “I want it!”

“Then get it.”

“But -?”

“If you give me one more excuse, I’m buying it for you.”

A gasp. “No!”

“Then get it yourself!” he rebukes, having to choke back a laugh. Gods she’s cute.

Giving him a stubborn look, she swipes the hanger off the rack and marches back to her place in line. Sasuke follows, a satisfied smirk on his face. Once everything is paid for and they mosey back into the street, she mumbles, “You’re a b-bad influence on me…”

“Anyone could have told you that. In fact, they have...and you didn’t listen.”

Huffing, she bumps him with a hip.

“Hinata...it’s all right to put yourself first sometimes. To just...indulge in something because you want it. Stop policing yourself so hard.”

“I...I’ve always been that way. Changing my habits isn’t exactly e-easy…”

“I know. That’s why I’m trying to help.”

She gives a short snort. “That was you helping?”

“Never said I was good at it.”

“...no, you did fine. I guess I just feel bad…”

“Why? It’s your money. You earned it. There’s nothing to feel bad about.”

“I...don’t want to…” She hesitates, going red in the face.

“...what?”

“To...r-rely on you too much. Y’know, if...if we…”

Sasuke blinks. “...that...is a bridge we’ll cross when we get to it. But even then, if we...do, I’d never be unhappy about supporting you.”

“B-but I can support myself!”

“Never said you couldn’t. What I mean is...if we do end up together that...much, then it’d be a partnership. If one of us has trouble, the other steps up and helps. And the same in reverse. Sure, I don’t want you blowing all your money, but it’s still your money. There’s a pretty wide grey area between being a penny pincher, and going overboard when spending on yourself.”

She considers that quietly, still pink. There’s another aspect, of course...but she can barely talk about being together, let alone saving up for k-

“Anyway...you’ve got your new shirt, and your new coat. And you’re happy with them, right?”

“...right.”

“Good. Then that’s settled. Now, I’m going to buy you lunch.”

“W-what?”

“You heard me!”

“Sasuke-kun!”

                                                         .oOo.

     Oof, I had a looong day, so I'll be brief!      I've had something...kinda like this before? Where I elaborated a bit about my headcanons about Sasuke and Hinata's monetary habits. I see both being very cautious with their money when young, and having some trouble breaking out of that when they get older...but Hinata more so. Careful girl is careful.      Buuut...yeah! That's all I got for today, lol - had a long day on v little sleep, so I'm gonna go hit the hay! Thanks for reading~

[justlookfrightened]

Number 3 for NurseyDex please >////

No. 3: “Please don’t walk out of that door.”

From this prompt list

“You have to at least try, Nursey,” Dex said, throwing himself backwards in his chair. He scrubbed his hands over his face and through his hair. “You can’t expect me to just do all the work because you’re too chill to be bothered.”

Nursey sat on the bottom bunk, looking artfully tousled, like some magazine art director’s idea of “just rolled out of bed.” Well, if that included clothes that somehow looked casual and expensive at the same time.

“I am trying,” Nursey said, sounding entirely too calm. “I just don’t see why this has to be so hard.”

“It’s not hard if you just pay a little attention,” Dex said, shoving his chair back and standing up. “I have work to do. Why don’t you try thinking about this?”

Nursey sat up straight, his chill deserting him.

“Please don’t walk out of that door,” he said. “Dex, I’m begging you. I need you.”

That was really not fair.

“You really don’t,” Dex argued.

“Yes, I do,” Nursey said. “I can’t get this to work on my own. I don’t speak computer.”

“No, because that would be too easy,” Dex said.

“And this is too hard,” Nursey argued.

“I could teach my eight-year-old niece to write a program like this,” Dex said. “All you’re asking is for a simple guessing game, where the computer picks a number and the player guesses it, and the computer counts how many tries it takes. That’s it.”

“But saying, ‘Please, Mr. Computer, let me guess a number’ isn’t working.”

“That’s because you have to break the task down,” Dex said. “Set a range, get a random number in that range, prompt a user to guess, compare their guess to the number …”

“And you say poetry is complicated,” Nursey said. “It is,” Dex said. “With fifteen different layers of meaning in a three-line poem, according to you English majors.”

“If you’re talking about haiku, they’re Japanese, at least originally,” Nursey said. “And they use the senses to convey a meaning, usually. Poetry is about going beyond what’s on the surface, because the most important stuff is deeper.”

“But if it’s important, why not just say it?” Dex said. “Why try to hide it?”

“It’s not about trying to hide things,” Nursey said. “It’s about conveying more meanings.”

“Right. And this is about conveying one meaning, clearly and in order. What’s your first line going to be?”

Nursey thought for a moment and then typed, showing it to Dex for his approval.

“Funny how you could ask that about a poem, too,” Nursey mused.

“Think about your assignment,” Dex said. “Not poetry.”

“Y’know, I could have helped with your lit class last semester,” Nursey sauid. “How come you never asked?”

“Because I didn’t want you plumbing my untold depths?”

Nursey snickered.

“You realize that’s a double entendre?” he asked.

Dex felt his face flush. “That’s what I don’t like,” he said. “How one thing can mean different things at the same time. How are you supposed to know what it’s supposed to mean?”

“It means what it means,” Nursey said. “To you, to the author, to other people who read it. But don’t worry, bro. I’m pretty sure you meant it both ways.”

Dex had to think – he didn’t want Nursey plumbing his depths – and colored more deeply.

“Sorry,” Nursey said. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s okay,” Dex said. He nodded at Nursey’s laptop. “You’re making progress.”

Nursey wrote another line, then turned to Dex again.

“People don’t exist just on the surface,” Nursey said. “I mean, you’re not just a conservative lobster fisherman from Maine. I know that. But I know there’s probably things I don’t know about you too. And I know there’s things you don’t know about me.”

“I know that,” Dex said. “But you’ve heard the saying, ‘If someone shows you they’re an asshole, believe them.’ You don’t have to read into things too deep.”

“Maya Angelou,” Nursey said. “But she didn’t say ‘asshole.’ The quote is, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’ So score one for the poets.”

“But that’s not poetry, that’s just paying attention,” Dex said.

“But that’s what poetry is,” Nursey said. “It’s paying attention, even to the things that aren’t said in words. Like … take Bitty. Pretty open guy, right?”

“Right,” Dex nodded.

“He’s a gay hockey player who figure skated and likes to bake,” Nursey said. “He’d tell anyone all that, right?”

“Right,” Dex said. “Well, now that his parents know.”

“And the team knows he was so scared of checking he used to faint when anyone touched him on the ice.”

“Well, yeah,” Dex said.

“So how do you know that he’s both open-minded and judgmental as hell, at least when it comes to things like manners and food?” Nursey said. “Or that his heart is bigger than his body? He would never say that.”

“He doesn’t have to,” Dex said. “It’s obvious from knowing him. None of that’s hidden, not frpm anyone who’s spent any time with him.”

“But he doesn’t have to say it,” Nursey said. “Like I have to tell this computer that if someone picks the wrong number, it’s wrong.”

“But the computer’s not judging or drawing any kind of conclusion about you,” Dex said. “That’s not what it does. It needs you to give it direction, and direction works best when it’s clear. Like this program is now.”

Nursey closed the laptop and pushed it away.

“Thanks, Dexy,” he said. “I couldn’t have done it without you. You’re good at giving clear directions.”

“Glad I could help,” Dex said.

“And for what it’s worth,” Nurse said, “I know a lot more than that about you. I know that you get frustrated easily, but you persevere anyway. I know you’re generous even at the cost of what you need to do for yourself. You’re a good friend.”

“Shit, Nurse, why don’t you just tell me you love me?”

“Nah,” Nurse said. “You’re already pretty red. Wouldn’t want you to actually combust. But Shitty would point out there’s nothing wrong with friends declaring their love, right?”

Dex shook his head.

“Fine, Nurse,” he said. “You drive me crazy, but I love you.”

He grabbed his bag to go to the library – finally – and hoped Nursey didn’t understand all the ways he meant it.