#it’s so dumb bit the financial risk is too high and I had to make a realistic choice with it

[i-am-the-balancing-point]

not to randomly complain but I hate that I sorta have to justify not pursuing acting full-time to myself every day 🙃

[miserabull]

A very long meta-analysis on P2 Bad Grief

So, I've gone over every dialogue with this guy a few times, and there is some stuff I've never seen addressed before. This is a mix of analyzing and theory that have been in my head for a while, and I’d love to know if it all also makes sense to other people

The thing about Classic and P2 Grief, is that they are very different characters playing the same role. Who is Bad Grief? A thief, a kingpin of the town's criminal underbelly, and a smuggler working for Big Vlad. In P1, he's also a dangerous murderer who kills people for fun, but denies it, even claims that he kicks people out of his gang for daring to take up knives. Dude lies a lot. In fact, he maintains the lie up until the last route, the Changeling's, and then tries that on her too but ends up confessing. This is my very wordy way of saying that while I kinda agree with people who are like "he's not a violent murderer like P1 Grief", P1 Grief also claimed to not be one up to the last minute. I don't think they are making him a sadistic killer this time, yeah, but I'm pretty sure he's a liar, and that there's a darker secret. The game implies Grief keeps his cards close to his chest and there is more to him several times, like here, when you talk with Lara's reflection

Lara's Reflection: You see, she puts her stock in deeds and not in words. So Stakh was always close to her; for he would hear his heart, and act. A trait you share, Burakh.

Haruspex: And the most taciturn of us all, Bad Grief.

Lara's Reflection: He speaks so much yet does so much more.

or when Artemy confronts him at Aspity's Hospice:

Bad Grief: You heard about Rubin? Know why the Kin wants him dead? He's walkin' around all downcast, doesn't sleep. Says not to ask. Says it's safer like that. What's he done, I wonder? I wanted to ask Sahba, but maybe you know?

Haruspex: You're lying. That's not what you wanted to ask. I can tell.

Bad Grief: If I did lie, I wouldn't tell you the truth now anyway, would I? So back off. 

I'm not gonna go over the blowing-the-train tracks quest now, though I have some thoughts on it/what I think might be his plan there. For now it suffices to say that that whole thing is very odd, that his plan doesn't make sense(yeah, blowing up the tracks is a bad idea for his business. kinda meaningless though if the alternative is being hanged). That is to say, I'm pretty sure there's a hidden agenda there that we're probably only finding out in Changeling route.

So, what I mean is, if you think P2 Grief is harmless, or just a clown, or became a gang leader by accident, then, well. I think honey, you got a big storm comin'

A few more notes on Grief's character, and what I think of what we got so far:

-I believe the reflection(I have some thoughts about the nature of those too, actually lmao) is telling the truth, mostly. He is terrified, he doesn't want Artemy to think badly of him, he never wanted violence. P2 Grief is younger, more sympathetic, and very obviously more scared than his P1 counterpart. I don't think he's out there killing for fun. Still, I think he has a lot of blood on his hands anyway.

-I think his loyalty to his friends is sincere. He's kind of really big on companionship and loyalty, which fits, as a gang member. I really think that he wants to belong, to a gang, to a friend group, somewhere. Artemy mentions he's "always been weird" a couple of times, or stuff like "I knew you'd end up like this." and that thing with Lara's reflection... I think Grief was always a little bit on the margins, even in his own friend group, and that's why he made a place for himself as the leader of the misfits, of the people who don't fit what the town considers to be good society. I gotta get on with this because this is gonna be long enough without me rambling about every single thought and feeling I have about this bastard though

-He doesn't give away Stakh's hideout accidentally because he's goofy and dumb. He mentions more or less where it is like, three times. I think it's obvious that he's practically asking Artemy to go check on him, but he doesn't want to be a snitch, so he plays the fool like "Oooh no I gave you a hint, I sure hope you don't go looking for him now, don't ask me because I’d never tell!!". He's playing the clown, he's not that stupid

Okay, now we're getting to the heart of things. In P1, along with the reveal that he's actually a violent murderer who played another violent murderer(Barley) into taking the fall for his crimes, we get something else: he's working under the patronage and protection of Vlad Olgimsky. In P2, they put a lot more emphasis on that, Grief will tell you about it in the first AND second conversation you have. There is even a certain imagery associated with it... actually, allow me a quick digression here, I wanna go over some motifs around Grief. 

Grief is pretty into clockwork and gears, going by his choice of decoration for his Lair. The town itself is compared to a machine several times, by himself, by Big Vlad, and regarding how the Kains view it. I risk to say that the way Grief sees it is rather different from the Kains, at least at first.  For him it seems to be more of a blunt factory machine, while to the Kains...it means something else, more complex. Grief seems to have glimpsed what that is inside the Cathedral, near the end. That reminds me of something else, in the Diurnal End when Grief talks about how he used to be a clocksmith before, and now he's going to be "another kind of clocksmith", I don't think he's necessarily being literal in either case. Curiously, there's also a Clocksmith inside the Cathedral in Marble Nest...but I'm going off topic again

Bad Grief: Not a keeper of stores, but stories. This town, this great machine, the gears don't turn on their own, no, not till they're slick with secrets. 

But so, webs and puppets. We return to Vlad Olgimsky(old), who uses the metaphor of his “web”. There's also an important character in Grief's journey that is strongly associated with (spider)webs and strings, and that's Aglaya. The most notable time Grief himself refers to it though, I think, it's in the Theatre of Death, if you let him die:

“My path was not called 'The Spider'. No, think wider. It was 'The Silkworm'! The end of a railroad, I pulled strings firm; unaware someone more cunning pulled mine upstairs.”

So about that. He’s referring to the PTB right? Probably, but not only. A theme in Patho is like...these layers of manipulation. I’m gonna pass the mic to P1 Clara and Saburov for a second:

Alexander Saburov: Begin with the Olgimskys. That is the most important sin for me, and the least for him, for it is not his fault. So did Olgimsky protect his illicit trade? Did he benefit from it?

Changeling: He didn't just benefit; he presided over it. Grief was his stooge.

Alexander Saburov: Now then, we shall skip the issue of the barber gang, since it's clear now who their true mastermind was... thanks to your courage, my brave girl.

Changeling: Don't skip it just yet. Barley was as much of a puppet in Grief's hands as Grief himself was for Olgimsky. Everyone has their toys.”

Grief is a puppet in Vlad’s hands both in P1 and P2, as there he says he’s Vlads “eyes and ears” in the warehouses. In the Cathedral, he seems to more or less realize the extent of it, and how it goes against what he always wanted in the first place: to not be trapped by anything. 

Bad Grief: I used to be a thief, yet they made me a storekeeper. And what a perfect fit I made! I got my Warehouse kingdom, and with it, the insides of the Town's great machine. I kept Vlad's riches while havin' all I could dream of. Can't imagine a sweeter life.

Funnily enough, by that time he’s trapped in someone else’s web: Aglaya’s. That seems to be his thing, he thought he was in control and playing everyone, knowing all the secrets and pulling strings. In the end, he’s a Silkworm in the web of bigger fish. I mean, spiders.

Bad Grief: ...Yet they, too, are controlled by someone. Insane to think what kind of teeth you need for that.

But okay. Back to the start, I believe Grief has a lot of blood in his hands even before shit breaks loose. The things he seems to be most afraid of are also… interesting. This ties to his connection to Big Vlad, and the Kin.

Grief’s role in the payroll seems to be as a stool pigeon. He knows where everyone goes, what people are talking about, what they don’t want to become public. And he responds to Big Vlad. What I think is, hm, you know, even after Victoria passed it seems like the Kin and the Bull Enterprise never really defied Olgimsky, or had a leader in any way. Grief, too, seems to enjoy a pretty comfortable life for a gang leader. As an important piece to Vlad, he really doesn’t have that much to fear, since the guy “owns everything” and is very explicit to Artemy about how he can destroy anyone who doesn’t obey him. And probably has done that before. My guess is, Grief kept the machine working right by tattling, so no leadership or enemy to Vlad’s Enterprise could rise. I’d speculate that Vlad possibly paid the favor not only financially, but by maintaining Grief in that position. Basically, I think with Grief’s info, Vlad could eliminate any potential problem. That would mean that maybe without even having to shed blood himself there might be a lot of deaths Grief is responsible for, not to speak of the maintenance of that horrible system in the town. I think the route they are going for here is that Grief is a class traitor.

Why do I say that? Well, first let’s look at Grief’s relationship with the Kin: he’s remarkably close to them for a townie. Geographically, obviously, and also in the sense of living on the margins of society, but he also shares many of their superstitions, and seems to hold Aspity’s opinion in high regard(even calls her Sahba). I find it easy to believe that many of his men are part of the community as well, due to not being welcome in the town. At that time we see him in the Hospice though, and talking with the Kin people there, it’s pretty clear that they are planning some sort of uprising. That it’s imminent. Grief seems to know it. Seems to be absolutely terrified of that too, and to feel betrayed by Vlad.

Bad Grief: It's too late for me, Cub. I've only got one road ahead of me now. Perhaps the outbreak is for the best... Plagues are like fires, people forget old scores. And all hell will break loose here soon.

Haruspex: Any dark prophecies to share? You're the criminal mastermind here, after all.

Bad Grief: No need to prophesize. People fear hunger. Even honest workers will turn their hatchets and hammers to crime. Burglin' houses, lootin' corpses, guttin' each other. They will. Oh, they will.

Haruspex: Not all of them, Grief. Not all.

Bad Grief: The turf's so dry, you don't even need a match-a glare would start a fire. And when the Kin bares its teeth, that's when we'll all dance! They're slow on the start, but oh so fast on the draw! The Master likes them mute and obedient, but apathy makes them that way, not stupidity. They're only obedient till the time comes. And here it comes.

And the people who lose their jobs? They won't be too fond of staying home. They'll find new hobbies, like looking for food, or venting their anger. ...And Fat Vlad shut his facilities down the day before yesterday, didn't he? Crafty... Didn't whisper so much as a single word to me. Do you think he knew?

At the same time he seems to think that he deserves this, and it’s inevitable. “We reap what we sow”, paraphrasing him. He talks a few times about how there’s a vile beast inside each person in the town, about how they are all wretched and everything, including him, which I think might just be a way of coping like “yeah, I sold out, but anyone would do the same if they were in my place”. 

So, yeah. What I think is that Grief was a guy that had no power and money, with absolutely no perspective, who due to his very particular skills had an opportunity to climb up and took it(all while still getting to pretend he’s an outlaw, free from the chains of society!). And it’s...very bad. And he knows it’s very bad, and he’s not evil or sadistic, but he’s immature, cowardly, and desperately wants to be in control of his own destiny, and to not be alone, and all that. He’s still Artemy’s childhood buddy, a loyal friend, and someone who never really wanted to cause that much damage. He also knows that what he did is unjustifiable, and that no matter what he truly feels, the damage is done and he’s guilty of horrible shit.

[redqueen-hypothesis]

quarantime together ➳ mlqc

➳ WORD COUNT: 3064

➳ GENRE: fluff

➳ SYNOPSIS: what are the two of you up to during the quarantine together?

LUCIEN // has a shady history with viruses and flus

lucien has insider info on the virus as one of the most acclaimed researchers (although he’s a neuroscientist but at this point what is lucien), so he’s long prepared for the lockdown before loveland even gets a wind of it happening

he’s part of the team that’s doing research on the virus too, just... remote

did you think that just because he’s staying at home, there’s no more work to be done? no, the man works just as intensely as ever, researching, inputting algorithms, double checking the data on his research reports. you need to remind him to take a break every few hours

you’ve asked him to set an alarm on his phone but all he does is smile and wrap his arms around you tighter, saying that you’re much more pleasant and persuasive to listen to

knows you’re stressed about the virus and shares with you tidbits of information about it, explaining to you how the two of you should be fine just as long as you stay inside your apartment. together.

you get to see him in his glasses more often, which you find far too attractive when paired with that silently intense gaze he wears while buried deep in work. he looks up on occasion to catch you staring with far too wide eyes. caught red handed (or red faced)

what you don’t realise is that he’s watching you too, he’s just faster at looking away before you realise he’s looking at you with an impossibly tender gaze

when you whine a little about wanting to take this opportunity to spend more time with him, lucien doesn’t show it on his face, but his heart feels like it’s warming- oh, it’s melting in his chest

starts cooking dinner with you

much to your surprise, lucien can’t do everything (no, there’s something he actually can’t do) and cooking is one of them. he’s not fantastic at it, or maybe he’s just doing this on purpose so that you have to guide his hands with your own as he helps to chop the vegetables

leans down for you to tie the apron around his neck, and sneaks a gentle kiss or two when you’re most unprepared for it, much to your surprise (and happiness)

pulls you to him out of the blue and squeezes you around the waist before he releases you, saying the temperature is cold and he needs something to warm him up

in the evenings, the two of you snuggle of the couch together to watch old classic films that you’ve either rented out or dug out on netflix, sharing a blanket between the two of you

lucien engages you in discussion about the shows, from what you love about them to what you think of the characters, and sometimes if you’re lucky, lucien will let you pry just a little bit more about the enigma that he is - you feel like he’s unlocked a door to his heart only when he’s around you

occasional anime marathons, you didn’t think that he’d like them, but he seems to have quite an interest in attack of titan season three and death note

prepare for a psychological analysis of the man that is eren yeager

the two of you talk late into the night, until your discussions become more sleep drunk ramblings than any coherent thoughts, and lucien loves it because you’re so much more open and free about letting him know your opinion so much that he doesn’t realise he’s doing the same

lowkey wondering if he should prolong the virus somehow just so the two of you can remain in this little love nest for a little longer

coaxes you into the bedroom when you fall asleep on his shoulder, tucks you up in the blanket before he resumes his research (honestly, does this man ever sleep?)

if you wake up in the middle of the night to see him still typing away on his laptop, your sleepy voice gently scolding him for not taking care of his own health and the hand tugging at his shoulder is more than enough for him to set down his work for the night and join you in bed

he spends just a little longer watching your sleeping face before he joins you in your dreams

VICTOR // monopoly king

daily panique about the stock market (but he does it elegantly, so it’s panique instead of panic, he’s not emotional like other foolish mortals)

wakes up at the brink of dawn, this man is the head of the loveland financial group, a mere virus isn’t going to bring his company down and he knows that he’ll need to work extra to ensure his workers still have jobs to do

cooks breakfast for you while you’re still asleep while listening to the news on the television, gives you updates when you wake up

if you wake up early to the absence of warmth in your shared bed, however, you might catch the rare sight of the one and only li zeyan humming a tune as he beats eggs in what he thinks is an empty kitchen, or stumble upon him having a staring match with the oven

tries to sneakily slip food and drinks that he knows are good for relaxing the body and mind because you’ve been on edge with each news report of the virus that comes in, you notice the new trend in chamomile tea and dark chocolate, but silently eat it up with a smile and thank him for it - let this awkward man show his love in his ways

extremely busy from morning to afternoon with video conferences and phone calls, you press gentle kisses between his furrowed brow between meetings and watch as his expression relaxes before the phone starts ringing again

make a cup of tea or coffee for him, he appreciates it

there’s one time you kissed him on the mouth thinking he was on break but he wasn’t, and it wasn’t until you realised victor had frozen stiff as a board that it clicked - the entire board of the LFG had been watching through the video camera

you’re never stepping foot into that building ever again

even though he’s ridiculously busy with work, victor makes an effort to spend some time with you throughout his busy day. these usually happen in the fifteen minute to hour long breaks between his meetings

he needs something simple and easy to do with you in those small pockets of time

so, card/board games!

the only game he can play decently at the beginning is poker, but is absolutely terrible at uno and monopoly - he’s never actually played them before

calls these games silly at first, but by the third day he’s actually stopping time before his next meeting starts just so that he can count the reverse uno cards he’s put down and ensure his victory

becomes an absolute beast at monopoly and crushes you completely, you sort of regret teaching him this game because he starts educating you on economic theories

“you must buy as many properties as possible at the beginning, there is no reward without risk... this is the game of monopoly... become the monopoly!”

you just shake your head with a sigh. ah, the menace of capitalism.

he fares worse at monopoly deal, looks absolutely stunned at the idea of a ‘deal breaker’ and ‘just say no’

works out in his apartment gym and occasionally pulls you along, saying that you need to exercise and stay healthy or you’ll become a couch potato

you reluctantly go along with him but you’re rewarded with the sight of him working out, i assure you, it’s very worth it

sometimes you shower together which leads to more... if you get what i mean wink wonk

you help him with dinner prep, which is mainly you watching as he whips up a michelin worthy meal for the two of you

you claim you’re helping with the taste testing

that also leads to more. victor enjoys eating off the kitchen island - and more importantly, he enjoys eating you out on it

opens a bottle of wine or whiskey for sometimes no reason at all at night, just to enjoy it with you

the two of you sit at the balcony overlooking the entirety of loveland city from his penthouse, sipping at your wine and talking about everything and anything

dumb arguments like “you stole the entire pile of fifties when i wasn’t looking earlier???” victor is kind of a sore loser

you take some time out to teach him how to play on the piano, what’s the use of that ridiculously expensive grand piano in his penthouse otherwise?

it takes him two nights to learn simple pieces like “ode to joy” and three for “you are my sunshine”, he hasn’t touched the piano for a few years

the eager, almost child-like determination he wears on his face makes your heart warm as he fumbles to place his fingers on the right keys, and you play simple duets together

bedtime snuggles, victor cancels all his late night meetings or postpones them to earlier schedules so that he can hold you close in bed at night

realises what he’s been missing out the entire time and can’t believe that it needed the quarantine to let him know how much he loves falling asleep with you in his arms

resolves to do this more often after the lockdown is over

GAVIN // keep the fire station on speed dial

the entire of loveland city is under lockdown but unfortunately crimes are still happening - the criminals must not have gotten their stay at home notices

even though crime rates have dipped, there are still strange occurrences happening in the city here and there

the police force is still an essential service, and gavin is called out of the blue at the most awkward hours (when you’re eating, when you’re sleeping, when you’re having sex-) to handle high profile cases

you fuss about him while he’s rushing to change into his uniform, securing a mask on his face with a quick kiss to the lips before you put it on to hide his blushing cheeks

never uses the door, just straight up jumps out of your window like a cat burglar running off with your heart

you’re always worried, but gavin reassures you he’ll take care of himself and stay away from people on the ground - he can’t risk getting infected and passing it on to you

buys takeaway snacks and boba for you because he knows you’ve missed them

crashes on the couch if he comes back at odd hours because he’s too tired to get to the bed, wakes up to a blanket draped over him and the smell of frying eggs wafting over from the kitchen

at first he’s a little at a loss for what to do with so much free time, but you encourage him to pick up old hobbies he’s long forgotten about by asking him to share them with you

wii games!! nintendo switch!! xbox!! you’ve never seen gavin’s face light up so fast when he delivers a critical hit to your character in super smash bros... and immediately starts spluttering apologies to you like he’s committed a cardinal sin

kiss him to shut him up, and he sinks into it with a muffled sigh. poor birdcop needs a break

he misses his boxing gym, and the closest thing you two get to that are pillow fights, although he’s careful not to use too much strength as he gently bats you with a cushion

you always end up winning since he’s too soft to hit you with very much effort

tries to pick up ‘home cooking 101′ and searches youtube for asmr cooking videos

watches them so intensely you’re a little bit intimidated by the sharpness of his gaze (it’s a cooking video on how to make lemonade, for god’s sake)

peaceful cuisine and nino’s home are his go to channels

more often than not his solo attempts in the kitchen end up in disaster and you wonder whether it would be safer to have a fire extinguisher in the house. gavin wholeheartedly agrees as he rushes to slam the lid over the frying pan of flaming oil

he’s more at ease carrying out critically dangerous missions than turning on the stove, and flinches whenever the spark igniter sets the gas alight - this is why he sticks with instant noodles and cup rice

you offer to teach him, however, and he’s hard pressed to turn you down when you look at him light that

he’s good at kneading dough! it’s one of his only talents in the kitchen, but he’s very good at it. it also gives you a chance to salivate over those forearms, i mean, that tasty, tasty dough!

can make a mean soy sauce egg fried rice, but that’s about the only thing he can make

takes this time to fix up his motorcycle and make some improvements on it, but is kind of sad because he can’t go for a spin. he misses being on his bike

the plus side of this quarantine though, is that he can reach for you any time he has the urge to embrace you or feel you, and that is many, many times in a day

at first he was a little shy and awkward about it, but when you told him that you appreciate him being forward about what he wants, he’s become a lot more comfortable with initiating contact

pulls you into his lap for random cuddles, brushes your hair back to give the shell of your ear a light kiss, squeezes your hands when you’ve spent a long time drafting up plans for shows to make once the quarantine is over

has some uh... pent up energy that he needs to release without the adrenaline rush of the missions he’s used to

translates well to gavin being more dominant and vocal in the bedroom, something you’re very appreciative of. you hope gavin knows that as much as your neighbors surely do by now

braids your hair just for fun when the two of you are lying in bed with nothing to do

wraps his arms around you tight

KIRO // screaming into the unknown at the skyscrapers in the distance

is going crazy with cabin fever

he wants to go to the park!! he wants to feel the sun on his face!! his favourite food festival is cancelled!! he was really looking forward to seeing it with you :(

pouts for days, but is magically alright if you kiss him

“maybe that’s your power, ms chips! give me another kiss to make sure!”

wakes you in the morning (unintentionally) with his vocal exercises. you blink open your eyes to see him standing at the balcony with his hands on his hips and singing chromatic scales or practice songs to the other apartment blocks

sometimes someone shouts back if he starts too early in the morning and he retreats inside sheepishly

they’re getting a free kiro concert

it’s like having your own personal rooster/alarm clock, but his voice is so angelic you can’t be blamed for falling back asleep

brought his cat, cello, back to your shared apartment to take care of since he can’t just leave cello in the studio with the quarantine going on

you spend lazy afternoons as cat parents, putting gacha outfits on the cat and filming stories for kiro to put up on tik tok and instagram

#celloathome trends on twitter

weekly check ins with savin to say ‘yes, kiro isn’t only eating junk food’, ‘yes, kiro is doing vocal practices every day’, ‘you’re sure you’re not snacking on everything in the apartment?’

he is eating snacks that you’ve stocked up on but reminds himself not to eat too much since he’s not exercising as much anymore

teaches you the choreography to his favourite songs!

you’re lagging far far behind him in terms of skill and coordination but he praises you and cheers you on anyway

on the slow ballad tracks on his albums, he’ll pull you close and just sway with you along to the beat, pressing his lips to your hair

this little ball of sunshine wants the sun!! he needs to recharge on that good ol’ vitamin d, so he hangs out at a sunny spot on the balcony - more often than not you’ll find him napping on there, legs propped up on the balustrade and arm shielding his eyes from the sun

plays a lot of online multiplayer games such as DOTA, World of Warcraft and LOL, roping you along to play on his team. it doesn’t matter how bad you are at them, he wants you with him. he enjoys playing as the damage dealer with stealth abilities, and does ridiculously low baritones or high pitched simpers to hide his identity online.

plays the guitar to serenade you, but the difference is that he’s on the balcony begging forgiveness because you locked him out for making a mess of the kitchen in his snack raid

scrolls through social media constantly to update his fans about how he’s doing at home, and is very up to date with the trends on twitter like dance challenges

participates in every single one of them and makes you film them for him, but he’s so funny your hands shake with every take and the two of you have to try over and over again

livestreams!! concerts from home!!

let’s you dye his hair when you’re bored. pink mohawk? he rocks it. black curls? he looks stunning. silver dye?

“ahh, no, no i don’t want to look like an old man,” kiro laughs as he pulls the tube of hair colouring away from you as you pout. you find it in the trash a few days later.

kiro gets frisky when he’s bored, hands wandering over your hips and up your shirt when you’re unaware. sometimes you smack them away, sometimes you don’t

the two of you sleep at the strangest times, ranging from ten at night when you’re bored with nothing to do or four in the morning when the two of you binge movie series

this can’t be healthy but kiro’s smile makes it all worth it as he munches on microwaved popcorn next to you. it tastes like salted styrofoam but kiro takes what he can get - beggars can’t be choosers

he can’t wait to get back to work and seeing his beloved fans once again, but part of him doesn’t want to give up the peaceful lull of this simple, domestic lifestyle in which the world revolves only around the two of you

[mysticdragon3md3]

I too was excited to see why Ryuji is trending and... ;_;

People are comparing him to a sexual abuser, like Kamoshida? I mean, yeah he shouldn't have looked down Ann's shirt. That wasn't cool. And some of his comments about Ann's Panther costume when she first got it, were not in good taste. But is Twitter seriously saying that puts him on the same level as Kamoshida? KAMOSHIDA???????????? omfg... I just can't anymore, you guys...I just can't anymore... x_x

Just this past week, I watched an Anituber video essayist mention the ubiquitous female objectification in anime as "because you know anime is going to anime", and I felt so validated about sensing that the amount of female objectification in Japanese media has become pretty much expected, normalized, even in the most unnecessary, tiniest ways. I'm so tired of being gaslit about this. Yes, Japanese media in general has a problem with making sure to have close ups of girls' bodies being ogled and women being reduced to (romantic) prizes to be coveted. That beach scene in Persona 5 did panning close-up shots of the girls' swimsuits; not the guys'. All the dating options in Persona 5 are from the pool of female Confidants; not the guys. Because "guys as romantic prizes to be won? Feh, what a *riDIcUlOuS* concept!" I understand that sex sells, that traditionally female sexualization sells to a traditionally cishet male audience which is still presumed to be the largest demographic, and that the anime industry (and presumably other Japanese pop culture creation) is actually financially high risk with low financial rewards for most studios, so they have to desperately scrape for any advantage. (Though recently, the Japanese pop culture industries, like anime and videogames, have begun to realize that there is a cishet female market, large enough to cater to as well, by mainstreaming series like Touken Ranbu. And they've also even recently begun to recognize that catering to fujoshi is worth investing into mainstreaming the BL genre, even a little bit. Thus, we're starting to get more mainstream BL fanservice, through series like Free Iwatobi Swim Club, Yuri on Ice, and Classmates.) So it's kind of our fault, for incentivizing studios to mandate and ensure each thing they make contains female objectification. The audience's spending habits and the industries' presumptions of our wants/demographics, have made cheesecake fanservice and waifu bait the most reliable bet for most studios. We spend the most money on collecting waifu bait merch and gacha cards of waifu. We argue the most about who is the "best waifu" and show our allegiances by buying their merch. We have turned waifu and cheesecake fanservice of such waifu, into the most reliable financial returns on investment for studios. And with studios so constantly, precariously on the precipice of bankruptcy, we the audience, have incentivized the mandate of cheesecake fanservice (of women/girls), even at the cost of cohesive storytelling/characterization. I understand all that. Studios are desperate, and they need to stay afloat. They need to cling and scrape towards any advantage they can get. That's why I'm so tired of people saying we're just imagining things. Anime and videogames are mandating to insert female cheesecake fanservice for cishet males, even at the cost of cohesive characterization, story themes, and good writing.

This includes Persona 5 shoehorning Ryuji into being the horny audience surrogate, no matter how awkward, nonsensible, and misaligned it would skew his characterization and previous writing. This is why fans of Ryuji often say his more "perverted" actions in canon, simply feel like a case of bad writing. Those actions don't feel like him. They feel more like fulfilling the Japanese pop media "obligation" to objectify women, than aligned with his character, as set up so far. Because anime/games just *have* to provide a POV audience surrogate character for everyone to ogle the girls through. Or at least reinforce the types of reactions they want from their audience, after showing us all these T&A shots. It felt more like fulfilling anime tropes than further building upon Ryu's established character of defending people, including women, against perverts like Kamoshida. I mean, this is the guy who was chasing down Kamoshida's car because he knew that pervert might do something. This is the guy who ran straight to the faculty office to punch out Kamoshida for torturing Shiho to her tipping point. The guy who jumped in front of a moving cab to rescue Makoto. The guy who survived watching himself and his mom get abused by his dad. And you want us to believe he wouldn't think twice about looking down Ann's shirt on the way to Futaba's Palace? Or up Ann's skirt, when she laid down from a food coma, after they Yusuke's welcome-to-the-Phantom-Thieves meal? Or so eagerly coerce Ann into posing nude? o_O? Atlus wanted us to believe this was consistent characterization??? To the Atlus writers' credit, they did write Ryuji feeling too guilty about going through Project Maid-Watch and they wrote him ditching it at the last minute. But they also wrote AkiRen to look down Ann's shirt without any hesitations and they wrote morgana to also look up Ann's skirt when she laid down from food coma. The Atlus writers---and most Japanese pop culture---just seem to have an unwavering determination towards these female objectification scenes, and they just saddled Ryuji with it, because he's the "silly, rambunctious, comedy relief" character "that you won't have to feel bad when he inevitably gets hit with *slapstick* retribution". Nevermind, it's counter to the story's theme and his characterization, that they've driven pretty hard as being something to take seriously. So some Ryuji fans will just call-out his inconsistent characterization into being creepy towards girls, as "bad writing".

On the other hand, it's wholly possible and realistic for a guy to exist who is against all the sexual abuse, that scum like Kamoshida do, while still being a dumb horny teenager who will do dumb horny teenage boy stuff. (I'm sorry for all the toxic heteronormative presumptions. But that's kind of the archetype that Atlus has been trying to slot Ryuji into...unfortunately.) They grow out of it. Gradually learning to curb dumb horny inclinations, is _not_ the same level as a sexual abuser! Why are people conflating that today?! o~O????????

And from what I've seen of Ryuji in Persona 5 Scramble/Strikers so far, he has been growing out of it. There's a whole lot less creepy ogling coming from him (AKA the writers), even during scenes which any other anime would have. He didn't get creepy about the girls' yukata, he didn't strain to listen to the girls on the other side of the Sapporo onsen, he didn't make grabby hands at the girls' swimsuits again, etc. Any other anime---hell, even in the previous chronological episode of their story, in the original Persona 5---Ryuji and the camera would have been creepy about the girls' yukata, he would have shut up the other guys so he could listen to the girls compare boobs in the onsen, he would have tried to sneak a peek at the girls' onsen, and there would have been a repeat of that close up scene of the girls swimsuits, with Ryuji providing the expected lecherous audience reaction. But none of that happened in P5S. Heck, even if you choose the option to say onsen are great, as if to imply that overhearing the girls talk about their boobs is great, Ryuji gets embarrassed about the topic and immediately tries to change the subject. Watch any anime from the 2000s or earlier, and the goofy, masculine archetype, like Ryuji, would have not only agreed, but would have suggested sneaking a peek at the girls' onsen. I'm actually really surprised that the Kyoto onsen scene didn't result in fanservice, because that's usually what happens. Even in anime where the boys know to escape fast instead of sneaking a peep, there's usually a screw up where they'll Rube-Goldberg-trip into girls' boobs or trip into full-view of the girls without their towels. Any other anime or Japanese media would have done that. It's typical, expected. "Anime is gonna anime." And yet, none of that normalized perversion happened in that scene. Persona 5 Scramble/Strikers, including Ryuji, did a whole lot less "dumb horny teenage boy stuff", suggesting Ryuji was growing out of that with time. Because even if Ryuji can be a little bit of a "dumb horny teen", he still knows better than that, is curbing such inclinations, and is a much better person than to increasingly act on or nurture such inclinations.

Ryuji is a good boy. Please don't conflate him with Kamoshitty.

9:53 AM 9/17/2021 Ok. I found the original Tweet that started this shitstorm. https://twitter.com/HerielP48/status/1438677678400409607

But this Tweet isn't actually saying that Ryuji is the same as Kamoshida. I thought this Tweet was saying that the overall writing, using Ryuji as a mechanic for "pervert comedy" was a bad decision from Atlus's writers, especially since it contradicted the themes of the Kamoshida Palace story arc. I actually agree with that.

9:56 AM 9/17/2021 Oh, wait. There's a previous Tweet to that one: https://twitter.com/HerielP48/status/1438677262145101824

I see that you tried to save the first sentence, with your second sentence---which I agree with: I agree that the writing made an awful decision in having Ryuji or any character sexualize their female friends, after the sexual abuse they suffered. But your first sentence was still very strongly implying that Ryuji as a character is a problem, more than the writing injecting out-of-characterization into the character that they had already established with Ryuji thus far. That wording was just kindling waiting to start a firestorm. ~_~;

10:29 AM 9/17/2021

Well, the one good thing I'll say about Ryuji trending because of dumb, offensive reasons, is seeing the sheer avalanche of people jump to defend him. This wasn't something Ryuji got, early in the fandom! ;o; Remember when he was the most hated character in the fandom??? And now, everyone is overwhelmingly loving on Ryuji today! ;u;!!! Thank you guys. ;u; He is a good boy. ;U;

[khiphop-discussions]

Weird question, but would you ever date a khh person? You've met a whole bunch of rappers already, so who would it be in a perfect world?

I definitely would tbQh. I have quite a few crushes not gonna lie lol.

EDIT: I wrote this sentence after writing literally everything else in this post and I just wanted to say that this is weirdly WAYYY more thought out than I expected it to be lol.

I would say...Gray. Dog kissing aside, he’s hella cute, has a lot of money, seems stable as a person, isn’t always on some nonsense. Only problem (besides the aforementioned dog kissing) is that he’s out of my age range. We have an 11 year age difference (he’s turning 34 in December). I’m not an age gap type.

One. I like him. He’s handsome and seems like a cool dude. But he seems like he might lie and he said himself that he tends to just merge into whatever a girlfriend wants. That’s not really a good trait. Appears as if he doesn’t know himself and what he wants so as a result he is easy to get swayed by other people. He doesn’t know what he wants (which would include you) so your relationship would always be contentious. Also, I’m not sure what the money is like either. It seems like he could have a bunch of debt since he’s been under 3 labels, the 3rd one being his own that he either had to take out loans for or fund 100% with his own pocket money. That said, he’s hella handsome so I know the endorsement deal money would always be coming in even if his music flopped at some point.

Kid Milli - I would date him. He seems like a cool dude, he’s cute enough (he’s not conventionally attractive but A LOT of women like him. I’m guessing it’s the style and his face being an acquired taste but not a HARD one to acquire you know? At least that’s the case with me). He also has money. He seems like he spends a bit reckless though so I’d have to keep an eye out on that. That said, I suspect Milli will be around for a while and probably find a way to keep making money cause he seems like he has that hustler’s spirit. Nondisclothes is doing pretty good too. He could be like another Swings and open up a million different freaking businesses.

Coogie - I’d probably mess with him too tbh. He’s cute. Good personality and sense of humor. A lot of people like him. He’s not super rich yet but I think he’s living comfortable and making money. Especially since he has writing credits with SM artists, even if his music flops he’ll always have income because THEIR’S won’t. Only problem is he has LOTS of female fans and he gives off playboy energy. His songs he got famous off of all have references to basically being a fuckboy. Also, (I didn’t mention this with Milli but it applies to him too) he knows/is friends with so many people in KHH that if I was to ever break up with him I probably couldn’t date other KHH rappers even if we clicked. It’d be awkward as hell for everyone. Plus, who really wants to date a girl/boy that their friend already dated? Gray and One have a bit more of an exclusivity factor so it’s not as awkward if we were to ever break up.

DPR Live - He’s handsome but I feel like he’s more “pretty boy-ish” these days. Either way I find it attractive. Also, he comes of as a really genuine and cool person to be around. Then there’s the way he talks about women...he’s do damn dreamy. It seems like everything would be romantic and he would treat you SOOO well. He also has a certain level of an exclusivity factor as well so dating others after him wouldn’t be an issue (Actually the issue would likely be that no one else in KHH could ever measure up to what you got out of a relationship with him lol). Only problem is that I feel like his money is probably tied up since he’s independent. That means the financial burden of whatever has to do with his career is his and DPR’s pretty much. So who knows how much debt or how much profit he’s actually seeing. I think he does pretty well for himself though especially since he doesn’t seem to spend on stupid shit like pretty much everyone else on this list (besides Gray. But when he was their age I’m sure he spent a lot of money on dumb shit as well lol) so he’s probably good with finances. He’ll likely be better off financially than some of the rappers who might make more because he doesn’t spend it just because he has it. Also, I feel like out of everybody on this list we would probably make the most sense as a couple (even though realistically, me and no one on this lists makes ANY type of sense as a couple).

Side Note: But I told y’all I have a thing for Kris Wu as of late. I would date him too lol

I literally cannot see myself with anyone else in KHH. Everyone else seems highly incompatible (and like I said everybody I listed ALREADY makes no damn sense based on what I currently know about them and me as individuals) based on the little I currently know. 

Side Note 2: People are probably gonna be like “She talks about money so much” but I’m NOT a gold digger or anything. I TRULY believe that women should have their own money so as soon as dudes start acting up they can leave. However, I do think that women need to understand that dudes (realistically) already DO owe them money (reparations for patriarchy) but also through the relationship you will likely end up dealing with more labor than him (possible wanted or unwanted pregnancies, higher risk of contracting an STD, higher risk of losing reputation, emotional labor, possibly labor around the house, HIGH possibility of intimate partner violence, added to the fact that they are rappers and they tend to cheat which is basically emotional abuse + emotional damage, etc.) but then there’s also the fact that should you ever marry these guys you take on all of the debt they may have (which is why I made that point for Milli and One but it really applies to all of them). So you should be getting something tangible out the deal.

[risottostitties]

I love your headcanon posts! what are some of your headcanons (backstory and personality) for the rest of La Squadra?

Oh boy, these got kinda long. I hope you enjoy my dumb rambling about La Squadra (also my bias towards Melone and Sorbet+Gelato is showing I’m so sorry) I added the songs I used for inspiration on Sorbet and Gelato’s stands so that’s something lmao

Also also I’m still trying to figure out formatting on tumblr I’m so sorry.

Also also also I have so many dumb headcanons for the inner bureaucratic workings of Passione and what each ‘position’ in the gang entails and how Passione became a dominant force in Italy and oops I’ve slipped them in here a bit my b.

Fromaggio

-        He got his start smuggling. Drugs, weapons, people, Little Feet made that a breeze.

-        The thought of being an assassin never crossed his mind, because it seemed like a lot of work. More so than smuggling which was basically just getting stuff from point a to point b without getting caught.

-        Fromaggio was a confident dude, laid back and easy going with an agreeable personality that most people enjoyed.

-        He’s not exactly details oriented though, and that’s what came to bite him in the ass.

-        He was working with one of the few groups not affiliated with Passione and it was only a matter of time before the operation was busted.

-        Fromaggio never really asked many questions about his jobs, nor did he care very much who or what he was smuggling. He met with a man in Malta seeking entrance into Naples and was willing to pay handsomely. So of course, Fromaggio agreed.

-        If he’d been paying more attention, he would have recognized that man as Prosciutto.

-        Fromaggio brought the assassin right into their main warehouse and it was game over from there.

-        Prosciutto took interest in Fromaggio’s stand and decided against killing the man, instead bringing him to Risotto to see what the Capo thought about his abilities.

-        When offered a choice between dying with the rest of his old associates or joining Passione, the choice was obvious.

-        He really, really enjoys gambling. Prosciutto supplements his income with Fromaggio’s gambling habit.

-        Fromaggio gets along well with all of La Squadra. He’s always been an agreeable dude and he’s willing to give just about anything a shot once. So he’s at least passingly knowledgeable about the interests and hobbies of other members.

-        Fromaggio, Prosciutto, Pesci, Ghiaccio, and Melone make up the main ‘kill squad’ of La Squadra where Illuso, Sorbet, and Gelato handle clean up and intel gathering.

 Illuso

-        Illuso does very little killing himself. For the most part, he deals with disposing of evidence. The mirror world is great for that.

-        Because of this he has the lowest kill count out of all of them.

-        He is Sicilian like Risotto, and they converse in Siciliano when it’s just the two of them. Neither of them is particularly chatty though.

-        Ghiaccio and Pesci didn’t know he was a member of the squad for weeks because he rarely ever leaves the mirror. He doesn’t even have a room in their hideout, he just sleeps in the room of whoever forgets to cover their mirror.

-        Most of the time its Pesci’s room because he feels bad

-        I hc him at about 27

-        He joined La Squadra after Ghiaccio and was more or less ‘gifted’ by Polpo because of his quiet demeanor.

Ghiaccio

-        He’s baby (24)

-        His first kill was at age 18 when he was working in a chop shop and beat someone to death with a wrench.

-        Melone was the one to bring him into La Squadra, his bike was getting some work done in the shop and he was there to see Ghiaccio snap.

-        Risotto wasn’t keen on letting someone so young join La Squadra and initially turned Ghiaccio away. Which pissed the boy off enough for him to seek out Polpo, demand a trial, and come back with White Album.

-        He had never skated in his life, but White Album gave him the instinctive ability to do so.

-        He can only skate while wearing White Album. Without it, he actually had to learn.

-        He reflexes and balance also improved greatly after gaining White Album

-        He’s the only one not ‘trained’ by Prosciutto, instead Risotto took over his ‘training’. The Capo wanted to personally make sure he was equipped to handle the life that comes with La Squadra.

-        Risotto and Ghiaccio are quite close. Risotto was initially intrigued by White Album and Ghiaccio liked Risotto the most because he was the only person who was careful with his words.

-        He’s got a keen eye for detail and an eidetic memory. He enjoys taking apart electronics and seeing how they work (and how he can improve them)

-        Ghiaccio enjoys working with cars, but doesn’t like all the oil and grease.

Melone

-        I hc his age at 28

-        He was always too inquisitive for his own good, and very curious as a child. Most people found him annoying

-        Melone has absolutely zero respect for personal space. If he likes you, he will hang off you without a second thought.

-        And if someone retaliates jokes on you he think’s its hot.

-        It is possible to make him angry, but he won’t let it show out of spite. You really gotta be angling for it if you want to piss him off, and if you’ve put in that much effort into getting a rise out of him he’s not going to give you the satisfaction.

-        His mom was like Giorno’s, a party girl who resented her children for holding her back

-        He has an older half sister who took care of him when he was younger. They were extremely close.

-        From her he learned to paint nails, braid hair, and they both really enjoyed looking at horoscopes and other astrology/pseudoscience things.

-        She was 10 years older than Melone, and when she married Melone went to live with her (he was about 12 at the time) and he never really got along with his brother in law.

-        Her husband was in Passione, a low ranking Soldato but an ambitious one. She was aware of her husband’s occupation but decided the risk was worth the reward (and the financial stability)

-        Her eventual pregnancy led to Melone’s fascination with pregnancy and childrearing.

-        She died due to complications with a late term miscarriage when he was 16

-        After this Melone and his brother in law stuck together. Melone joined Passione, receiving his stand from Polpo’s Arrow.

-        The pair of them had a pretty good scheme going on but eventually his brother in law bit off more than he could chew, and Risotto was called in to clean up the mess.

-        Babyface proved to be a challenge, and instead of eliminating Melone as he was working with the target Risotto decided to offer him a choice.

-        Self-preservation won out and in a show of loyalty Melone had Babyface kill his former brother in law. At best, he tolerated the man because his sister loved him and after she died he was a good meal ticket so when his life was on the line it didn’t take much prodding for Melone to turn on him.

-        It took a while for Risotto to trust him because of how easily Melone’s loyalties shifted but once that trust was earned Melone never gave Risotto a reason to regret it even if his impulsive decisions (such as dragging Ghiaccio into Passione) caused him some trouble occasionally.

Pesci

-        Pesci is actually, genuinely, a sweet guy. He’s respectful of his superiors, polite (if not a bit awkward) to strangers, will offer help if he sees someone struggling with a heavy bag or something on a high grocery shelf, the whole nine yards.

-        He has a habit of second guessing himself and apologizing often but is quick to offer reassurance to people if he sees they’re having a bad day.

-        He also has a hair trigger temper and killed a man by snapping his neck with his bare hands.

-        That’s what landed him in jail.

-        Its like flipping a switch with this guy.

-        Risotto personally bailed Pesci out of jail and brought him into his team because of his brute strength. It was novel, to see someone so capable without a stand.

-        He received his stand from Polpo’s arrow.

-        Pesci is the newest member of La Squadra, but not the youngest (that honor goes to Ghiaccio) and I personally hc him at 25

-        His ‘training’ mostly consists of shadowing Prosciutto and observing how he does things. There is a lot to be learned from watching another stand user work, even if their stands are vastly different.

-        He lacks real strategy, which is another reason he was teamed up with Prosciutto (who winds up ‘training’ most of the new recruits anyway)

-        He’ll be considered a full fledged assassin once he completes his first job on his own (with Illuso or Fromaggio tailing him to observe, depending on the abundance of mirrors)

Sorbet and Gelato

-        Of the two, Sorbet is the most talkative. He’s got a pretty good sense of humor, and a natural charisma about him that puts people at ease if they don’t already know him

-        Gelato and Prosciutto are both card sharks and they keep their skills sharp by practicing on each other.

-        While no one would call any of them selfless, they would lay down their lives for each other without hesitation.

-        They have so many words unique to their relationship that people listening in would assume they’re talking in code half the time.

-        Sorbet and Gelato are the oldest members of La Squadra. Sorbet was 36 when he died, and Gelato was 41

-        Sorbet got his start in Passione, Gelato was part of a ‘merger’ so to speak.

-        The previous syndicate Gelato was a part of was assimilated by Passione after Diavolo returned to Italy. He was familiar with Pericolo as they had been part of the same group.

-        Sorbet and Gelato both have stands, although they were both born stand users.

-        Gelato’s stand is called Mack the Knife and it allows him to eat anything regardless of size (and his stomach acid has a ph value of 1.3). On top of this, it also gives him sharp and study teeth. If for some reason something he eats breaks a tooth he has more in reserve, like a shark.

-        Sorbet’s stand is called Fortunate Son and essentially it hides the user and anyone they touch in plain sight. They’re not invisible, but you must be consciously looking for Sorbet in order to find him when Fortunate Son is active.

-        They joined La Squadra before it was ‘La Squadra’ Risotto (being green himself at the time) wanted more experienced people on his team but had little to no luck recruiting people until these two.

-        They’re well known in the gang for their unorthodox (putting it gently) methods of doing things and kept most people from approaching them.

-        Primarily they ‘interview’ people for information on Squadra targets, but those interviews always turn deadly.

-        While they enjoy killing more than anyone else in La Squadra, they don’t typically get kill jobs because they’re just good at interrogating people. They make do with that just fine though. Neither of them enjoys leaving loose ends.

-        Before Illuso joined, Gelato oversaw clean up and disposal.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALRIGHTALRIGHTALRIIIIIIGHT.

Friday, May 1st of 2020.

7:42am.

General thoughts:

Satin sheets were a good investment, this feels... so sexy.

I hit up a kid from high school just for idle chat, we're praying that something good happens for the rest of 2020... like for example, getting epic powers. I think telepathy and the ability to phase niggas out of existence would make up for 2020, really.

Patrick #2 changed his phone number. A coward as usual. I'll vent out whatever thoughts of mild angst and overall general upset one way or another.

R*wan is a salty lil bitch. I don't know why? I think I requested him 69 cents and labeled it "broke bitch" on PayPal, but "half asleep at 3am and everything seems funny" me doesn't have the same responsibility as "awake and salty" me would.

Also psssst, don't be a creep to women, lil bitch. God, he needs help. (And yes, I am aware of the irony, shush.)

I still think Azalea is a stupid cunt. Not like that needed to be said, but hey, if it was true in December, let's speaketh thy reality in May as well!

And I also left Matty a voicemail last night, when on my "im really exhausted but cant sleep, time to be angry at some dumb niggas right now" moment the other night.

All I recall is saying things like, "I may not like you or that other stupid bitch, BUT make things up with her, dont do anything stupid, you have a tendency to do that", and "you have a higher chance of turning Trump into Obama than youll have trying to work shit out with me, man". I probably said more, but I don't recall. But all in all, "You're a terrible person, but goddamn dumbass don't cheat on a girl you've been with for 2 to 5 years just since you're too pussy to talk it out" is the general consensus.

I humored some dude that wanted to be an SD, and despite us not being compatible whatsoever, (i was looking for a more romantic connection, but nigga was the 'you don't do anal???? but you've never tried it??? you strictly use condoms???. ah. those are two big things for me.....' type of weirdo. Eugh.) And despite me saying I wanted a substantial weekly allowance, he tried to go "How about we start with PPM?", just to offer less than half of what I said I wanted for weekly with one or two meetups... Do men just.... not have braincells? Yeah sure dude, id totally adore meeting with your dry, monotone voiced self, with no care to bother speaking more than 5 words at a time unless trying to coax me about if I enjoy oral sex... ("SDs" are just dudes who couldn't get an escort, it seems.)

Long story short, I said the type of financial supporr I'd want back, he went "Oooo yikes, that's... a bit higher than I'm used to...." And then when he suggested the muuuuch lower allowance... I said no, then politely "Oh, look I've gotta go!"

For some reason, he decided to text me "???", and say that what I was asking for is doable.

....

I'm not even interested, at this damn point.

Once my mentality went from "its still money" to "idc ur net worth, dont be a creep and you better respect me and not come in here with no grossly sexual or weird shit", life has went smoothly.

Plus, men don't care for the screening process. Probably since they've done something. All the more reason niggas get robbed sometimes.

But anyway, just an interesting tidbit. I think I'm done with sugaring. Or at least that route. I swear.

I know the men aren't gonna be the most attractive or social people out there, or smartest, but DAMN give me SOMETHING TO WORK WITH WHILE HERE.

Not like I was gonna break quarantine to meet him, just would've preferred the type that wanted to boooond before meeting you know?

Whatevs, though.

Any thoughts regarding my ex?

Yeah.

The bad thoughts:

The way he disregarded my feelings a lot whenever we had talked.

His cowardice and resistance to have meaningful change or risks taken.

Him giving into peer pressure rather than doing what he wants. (That time he cried about his friends not liking me, and decided breaking up was better than a normal, "fuck yall shes baby as fuck", or just not letting it get to him.)

Azalea Cooch's entire existence. I still like to point out that I never felt sus or slightly weirded out by any other girl in his life, but the combination of "alright, no need to get paranoid over anything, just i should probably meet up with her and chris" (since yeah i didnt wanna actively feel weird every time she hung out with him all over hearing negative things correlating to me with those two, and i met his friends in other cities but not the ones 7 minutes away from us?????), plus "oh i messaged her and shes not bothering to respond, then proceeded to rage at my boyfriend and demand he no longer tells me things, and has a reason for not liking me that im unaware of and Patrick wont tell me, and, hes making himself seem really guilty lately".....

The birthday party. I literally told him to bring it up sooner if he didn't want me to come, since I didn't want problems to be caused or brought up way too soon. And that if he was 100% about keeping me in, then to be assertive about me being allowed to come... He did neither. The lowest is fucking what?

Ugh. Any negative memory of him makes me want to slap his fucking nose again. I don't think violence is a healthy way to respond to things, but, goddamn, all of the avoidable shit that could've been avoided with basic honesty, a spine, and trust... Yeah, the slap had eventually manifested from all of my overall irritations with him.

Let's pray that May means forgetting about his existence. Frankly, I regret ever speaking to this prick. We had a lot of good moments, until shit went South, and nigga supported Southward shit more than the fucking Confederate.

Anyway, boohoo, didn't get to peg him, and hes an asshole, karma will happen eventually.

I don't wanna bother writing the good memories anymore. Since he's just not the guy for that.....

I still want to slap him sometimes, but that's moreso an intrusive thought and internalized anger when in reality, I feel sad and wished there was more emotional openness between us that didn't have to come after some sort of fight.

But, he's a pathetic loser and a massive fucking pussy, hence why the lack of communication was apparent. He always lied for no fucking reason, damn him.

Damn him, I spit on his name, the name Patrick is for men that were born to annoy the fuck out of every woman.

.....

He was great at oral, though, that's what I miss. I still hate him, but if opportunity arose, then like.... you know.

Anyway.

8:52am. He sucks cock. I'm gonna take a nap, or something. Peace yalls.

[stereklibrary]

I currently read Gravity’s Got Nothing on You by zosofi and now I’m seriously craving some fake relationship au's. Do you have any recommendations?

Oh, I love this fic! You can find some more under the Fake/Pretend Relationship tag, but I made a list with some of my favorites as well. I also got a new tag page where you can combine tags, if you are looking for something more specific. Enjoy!

Gravity’s Got Nothing on You by zosofi (11/11 | 83,979 | E)

“Three weeks,” Derek says.

“Still don’t want to,” Stiles says.

“I’ll pay you,” Derek says, and that… that has Stiles interested. Alf’s Antique’s may be a great job, but it’s not a high-paying job, and half of Stiles’s tuition is coming from financial aid, so…

“How much,” Stiles asks, “are we talking here? Because I know your family, dude. And it’ll be kind of awkward after.“

“My family thinks you’re some sort of fucking gift to the world,” Derek seethes, like he’s jealous, “they’ll probably be pissed at me when we break it off, so don’t worry about that. Five hundred bucks.”

“A thousand,” Stiles says, because screw ethics. Also, the Hale family is loaded. Derek can deal.

The Hazards (and Benefits) of Channel-Surfing on Friday Nights by herbeautifullie (1/1 | 12,175 | M)

He’s watching TV over the edge of his laptop when Scott brings up the fact that he’s still a lonely loser in his third year of college without a boyfriend which, while being completely true, is really fucking unappreciated. It sparks a desperate need to save what little manhood Stiles has and, before he knows it, he’s blurting, “I totally have a boyfriend, dude. Shows how much you know.”

How was he supposed to know Scott would doubt him? It’s not Stiles’ fault that someone named Derek Hale really exists. It’s also not his fault when his lie grows legs and runs so far he can’t find it until it’s too late – too late and standing right in front of him, gorgeous and annoyed and not at all the person Stiles made him up to be.

Yeah, this could get bad.

Giving Craigslist Thanks by mossqueen (1/1 | 7,466 | T)

“Dude. Your family are like, the nicest people ever and I feel like such a douche bag right now.”

Derek blinked at Stiles through his reflection in the mirror. 

“What.”

“No, seriously, they’re trying so hard to be good to me even though I literally told your vegetarian sister to ‘suck it’ as I bit into a piece of turkey twenty minutes ago. What did they even do to you, man?”

-

Erica jokingly sends Derek a link to a Craigslist ad and Derek actually responds to it.

i love you a latte by kellifer_fic (1/1 | 6,692 | G)

“You… want me to come to your family reunion?”

“Yes.”

“And you’ll come to my best friend’s wedding as…my… date?” Stiles thinks the whole proposition bears repeating.

“Yes,” Derek says again, brows furrowing like he’s starting to regret asking.

Stiles Stilinski, Boyfriend Extraordinaire by MereLoup (4/4 | 14,429 | G)

“Beacon County Sheriff’s Department, this is deputy Mahealani speaking.”

“Oh thank god!”

“Stiles?”

“I, uh, I need some advice.”

“Advice?”

“Yeah. So, hypothetically, say you met your boyfriend’s mother and sister for the first time ever. Completely by accident. In the grocery store. And they convinced you to help them make a dinner to surprise aforementioned boyfriend when he got home after work. What would you do?”

Danny paused, and then, “Stiles, you don’t have a boyfriend.”

“That’s not the point! And I said hypothetically.”

“Stiles…what are you doing right now?”

Stiles never imagined he’d be in Derek’s kitchen cooking a surprise dinner with Derek’s family while they waited for Derek to get home from work.

Partly because their visit was a complete surprise.

But mostly because Stiles didn’t have a boyfriend.

Or even know who Derek was.

But he’d already come this far and Papa didn’t raise no quitter!

Easy Alpha by interropunct (1/1 | 4,602 | T)

Easy A/Teen Wolf AU. Wherein, Derek Hale is the high school hussy, Jackson and Scott really need to learn to use their inside voices. And, contrary to popular belief, everyone is still a virgin.

My World Is Filled With Cheer And You by bleep0bleep (1/1 | 10,832 | T)

“It was a last minute decision. Single parents with children draw attention to themselves in this type of neighborhood, and this department didn’t have a big budget to relocate all the werewolf and werewolf sympathizers that were targeted on this list. We’ve combined a lot of our relocation assignments. It ended up working out that another family, Mr. Stilinski and his son, looked like a good fit for you guys, so you’ll be sharing a home with them for the time being.” Markowski grins at him. “Congratulations! You’re married!”

-

In which Derek and his daughter are displaced just in time for the holidays, matched up with Stiles and his young son in a government protection program.

May I Interest You in an Apology Muffin? by Leslie_Knope (1/1 | 1,478 | T)

“Wait, seriously? Who is it? C’mon, just tell me.”

“Uh…,” Stiles said, buying for time while he looked around as surreptitiously as possible. “That guy over there,” he whispered finally, jerking his chin toward the dark-haired guy three tables over, a guy so hot that Stiles’ only chance with him would most definitely be in an imaginary scenario.

Scott looked over his shoulder at the guy and got that determined glint in his eye that Stiles recognized, just about three seconds too late. Scott was gonna do something that he thought was heroic but was actually dumb.

“Scott!” he hissed, grabbing for his backpack and nearly knocking over their coffee cups in his haste to follow him. “Oh, holy shit.”

can’t be hateful, gotta be grateful by HalfFizzbin (1/1 | 6,260 | T)

“Be cool, Dad, we’ve decided to con Grandma.”

(Or, the one where the Stilinski men drag Derek to Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma’s and she gets the right wrong idea.)

Fake Listed by Hepzheba (1/1 | 8,522 | T)

When Stiles answered the ad about someone needing a fake boy-/girlfriend for a trip to his family home he didn’t know what to expect. First of all, he expected someone ugly, not Derek Hale from his class. And second, he did not expect to fall for Derek or his kind, and somewhat weird, family.

A Cunning Plan by yodasyoyo (17/17 | 32,737 | T)

Stiles has a plan to get Lydia Martin to notice him. Derek is not impressed.

only fools rush in by decideophobia (1/1 | 13,594 | T)

Is it an imaginary date?

No. I met him in a coffee shop.

When?

This morning. It was love on first sight.

Find Me Sitting Poolside by TroubleIWant (1/1 | 14,286 | T)

“Oh, and you’re the Hales!” the host exclaims when Stiles slides the sign-up sheet back. “Or, Hale and Stilinski, I guess. For now.” She gives them a conspiratorial wink. “I have to say, we are just pleased as punch to see an adorable couple like you attending!”

Stiles tosses an arm familiarly around Derek’s shoulders despite all the bags hanging off them, and gives him a squeeze. “I know! We’re pretty much the cutest. Right, honey?” He shoots his Alpha a shit-eating grin.

Derek bares his teeth in what’s probably supposed to be a smile, except that it isn’t, in much the same way that they are supposed to be a couple, but aren’t.

-

To track down a rogue Alpha who’s endangering their pack, Stiles and Derek must go undercover at a Hawaiian couples retreat. Of course, this does mean that the two of them have to fake a relationship well enough to fool their supernatural hosts, or risk getting kicked out. Sharing a bed, hanging out poolside, tracking down a murderous Alpha… should be easy, right?

pretty in tents by kellifer_fic (1/1 | 7,657 | M)

Even though he’s making fun of it, Stiles thinks the whole thing sounds awesome and, like most stuff these days, the experience is going to be totally wasted on Scott.

A Shitty Bar by Callofthemoon (1/1 | 1,417 | NR)

Everyone imagines what their first conversation with their soulmate would be, but Derek still didn’t know how he’d ever respond to “I’ll give you twenty dollars to allow me to pretend to suck your dick and an extra twenty if you pretend that I’m the best you’ve ever had because my douchebag of an ex is in this shitty bar and when I caught him cheating he blamed it on my horrific blowjob skills.”

[raymondsecurityadventures]

Security Everywhere 3 - Risky Business

Low Risk High Impact Mini Case Study

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long-Term_Capital_Management

Disclaimer: I’m a finance major so I find this kind of thing interesting but you might not. 

Long Term Capital Management (LTCM) was an American hedge fund that used an incredibly low risk but high impact investment approach that some would argue would inevitably blow up in their faces. And which did, causing the hedge fund dream team that the partnership was consisted of, to haemorrhage 4.6bn USD in a month

LTCM used a single strategy to generate return for its investors, a strategy which at the time seemed cutting edge but in retrospect sounds pretty dumb. 

Sovereign government central banks issue debt instruments known as treasury bonds to help fund said government’s financing requirements. Most people trust that the government would not ever fail to make debt repayments, so this bond is considered the ‘benchmark’.  A 30-year benchmark is thus a treasury bond, whose principal (face value) is paid in 30 years.  Since everyone buys the benchmark, for numerous finance reasons, the bond is considered readily tradable, i.e. liquid, as benchmark buyers are everywhere. This liquidity, causes benchmark transaction costs to be lower as there are less hoops to jump through when selling and as such there is a premium attached to the liquidity of the bond: the more liquid, the higher the liquidity premium. However, the benchmark’s liquidity, and thus its liquidity premium, would tend to decrease as new debt instruments are issued by the central bank and people flock to purchase these new fangled shiny benchmarks. This would cause the old benchmark’s price to drop. 

What LTCM did was buy 29.75 year bonds (30 year bonds that have been issued for 0.25 years) and to short newly minted 30 year bonds. The idea was that the newly minted bonds would trade at a premium due to their liquidity, but would eventually lose their liquidity premium after a few months at which point the prices of the previously new 30 year bonds would have converged to the price of the 29.75 year bond. Since you shorted the falling bond (you sold at a high price and the price fell), you’ve made profit. This is known as a convergence trade and is considered very low risk as the payment obligations of shorting the 30-year bond would be covered by the cash flows from the 29.75 year bond.

However, the profit you attain from this strategy is minimal as the liquidity premium really isn’t that much. So LTCM borrowed vast sums of money, to the tune of 1.25 trillion USD, to make this trade and trades similar to these, assuming that these trades would always pay off. This assumption was wrong and this enormous amount of debt would screw them later on. 

You see, LTCM didn’t keep much cash on them. They would pay out their investors who had funded them after making successful trades, and keep a bit of the cut for themselves and then nothing would be left. 

When the Russian Financial Crisis occurred, investors worldwide panicked and purchased all the safest and most liquid securities they could find. This included the US 30 year treasury bond which was in record demand, causing the price to be bid up. This was very bad for LTCM who were short 400 billion dollars in treasury bonds and 800 billion in similar securities. The 29.75 year treasury bonds were in demand too, but not as much as the fresh ones.

And so LTCM’s strategy unravelled as the price of liquidity falling as the price of liquidity rose and convergence seemed an ever distant dream. Margin calls came in left, right and centre and LTCM’s lack of cash meant they could not afford to meet them as stock exchanges demanded that LTCM pay up for selling something that wasn’t theirs and now that something was worth far more. LTCM couldn’t afford to wait for bond prices to normalise and converge, they needed cash immediately and so, they sold their positions at enormous losses. They were haemorrhaging money and could do nothing about it. 

In the end, a group of banks got together and bailed LTCM out - injecting a bunch of cash to allow them to pay their margin calls but the damage was done.  What LTCM did was tantamount to picking up pennies in front of a bulldozer and while fairly safe, it took only one small outside event to cause a disaster for the company. 

What could LTCM have done differently?

If they wanted to continue pursuing their strategy, then all they really could’ve done was either:

- Reduce their leverage and total debt exposure: so that their losses aren’t amplified to ridiculous extents when their strategy fails. 

- Diversify their holdings i.e. buy financial instruments that move in the opposite direction to the price movements of bond prices, whose movements would offset their losses

in fact, they would be prohibited from pursuing this strategy today due to new-ish regulations limiting the amount of leverage that companies are able to take on; forcing them to hold more cash. 

[threewaysdivided]

Idea for an Age-swap AU

We’ve recently seen some age-swap and role-swap AUs floating around the DP fandom.  The most common of these are the direct reversals, where Vlad is the teenage protagonist and Danny is the adult villain.   Now, I’m not the hugest fan of the straight-swap versions because it’s not particularly interesting or in-keeping with the canon characters.  If Danny becomes the amoral villain and Vlad the plucky protagonist then you basically just have the original Danny Phantom again, except with the characters wearing each other’s skins.

However, a version of the age-swap that keeps the characters closer to their canon personalities has great comedy potential.

Imagine this:

Young!Vlad is a disaffected but highly intelligent freshman whose ‘genius’ is seemingly unrecognised by everyone in town.  Pretty much everything sucks for him - he’s bored at home because his parents are always away on work, he’s bored in class because he finds the material too easy, the school’s head jock and posse make a policy of ruining his day, the student body president is ‘inept’, and - despite Vlad’s intelligence and apparent ability to analyse people - he never seems to make it into the spheres of the influential or popular classmates.    He’s aloof and vaguely disdainful towards everyone around him, except for his two best friends; the naive and eccentric but occasionally brilliant Young!Jack, and the beautiful and sharply intelligent Young!Maddie.  He hangs out with them partly due to their mutual interest in the paranormal, but also because Maddie is the only person in town he sees as an equal and he really wants to date her (too bad she’s always making eyes at Jack).   [If you’re looking for a reference he’s basically a cross between Sue Townsend’s Adrian Mole and Velma Dinkley from Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated]

Like in the original series, the three of them attempt to build a proto-ghost portal as a step in their research.  This one goes even worse (after all, it was built by teenagers) and Jack rushing to activate it gets Vlad blasted with way more ectoplasm than in canon.  Just like the original it lands him in hospital for a bit - but in this case only a few months.  On coming back to school he is very resentful (mostly towards Jack though he’s a bit miffed that Maddie didn’t come to visit his room while he was awake) both for the accident and the Danny-like power-problems he’s experiencing.  Although in Vlad’s case he hides them from his friends and outwardly acts like everything’s been forgiven.

As he gains controls of his powers, Vlad decides to put them to use ‘correcting’ some of the ‘wrongs’ in his life; serving disproportionate comeuppance to the jocks, subtly embarrassing Jack in from of Maddie, scheming and manipulating his way through the school’s systems, and generally messing with people to alleviate his boredom.

It basically turns into a Deathnote-like moral situation, in which Vlad is a nominal ‘hero’ on the best days and an entitled, arrogant person at worst.  He may be the protagonist but he’s sure not the ‘good guy’ of this story. (He still makes himself a vampire-style suit and goes by Plasmius in ghost-mode because despite being highly intelligent he’s also a dumb 14-year-old who unironically thinks it looks cool.)

How does Danny get involved?

While Vlad is still in the nominally-heroic part of the story (dishing out retributions to people who actually had it coming, chasing away some minor ghosts that were attracted by the portal explosion, manipulating outcomes that fix genuine problems etc.) he starts to notice an older person hanging around and following him. At first Vlad’s concerned - has someone caught on?  Is it an enemy ghost?  A rival trying to take out the competition? - until Phantom introduces himself.  Danny’s a lot of things but subtle is not one of them.

Older!Danny is in his early 30s.  His parents were some of the first modern ecto-scientists and successfully built a working portal (the source of the accident that gave him his powers) but because the hauntings stayed localised near the portal (never spreading beyond his own hometown) their ecto-research didn’t reach mainstream science beyond a few ‘professional ghost-hunters’, paranormal aficionados and an obscure branch of government that mostly just makes messes bigger in their attempts to ‘contain and study all unauthorised ectoplasmic entities’.

Despite his unease, Danny is honestly happy to meet another half-ghost. He might have reservations about actual teaching (“I’ve got an Engineering degree, not a Dip. Ed.”) but he genuinely wants to help this new kid through what he remembers being a tough period of power-adjustment and guide him to use his abilities productively.   Unfortunately, Vlad is having none of it - who is this condescending fool to tell him what to do?  In his eyes Phantom is either trying to recruit him so that he can use his power (after all, that’s what Vlad would do) or he’s an idiot for wasting such potential. Actually, he must be an idiot either way because who else would try to manipulate someone of Vlad’s intelligence?

Eventually this devolves into a cat-and-mouse game in which Young!Vlad uses his brains and abilities in attempts to manipulate his way into Maddie’s affections, positions of influence and possession of powerful items, with Phantom having to step in and ‘defeat Plasmius’ before someone gets hurt.  Unlike in canon, where Vlad mostly toys with Danny to demonstrate his superiority, Young!Vlad learning techniques from their fights is intentional on Older!Phantom’s part. Phantom really wants to give this kid a chance to turn things around, and figures that letting Plasmius experiment with his powers in a relatively safe space might help Vlad get under control and avoid the temptation to do something truly stupid.  Unfortunately, all this actually does is teach his accidental-arch-rival to be a more competent villain.

Shenanigans ensue:

Vlad deliberately creating dangerous situations so that he can impress Maddie by ‘dramatically rescuing’ her from the ‘evil Plasmius’.  What he forgets is that, under her pretty face, Maddie is a top-tier asskicker - at least a third of the time the love of his life hands his ecto-hide to him long before Phantom can intervene. He’d find it attractive if it wasn’t so humiliating.

Jack also proves disturbingly competent with his ‘anti-creep stick’.  It’s literally just a baseball bat with a cross-stitched handle and the club logo sprayed on the side but Vlad still makes a point of stealing and destroying them whenever Jack makes a new one.

Maddie concludes that Plasmius and Phantom are both evil and working together.  

Vlad: “Of course, but as the older and stronger, Phantom is clearly in charge.  If we get rid of him then surely Plasmius will leave.”

This results in Vlad doing a very careful dance whenever he and Danny are in ghost mode while Maddie and/or Jack can see them.

In attempt to ‘eliminate the competition’ Vlad considers alerting the Guys in White to Phantom’s status.

Danny: “Look, kid. Vlad. If you go to them with that intel they’re going to wonder how you got it.  I might survive - my company holds the patents for a lot of their tech - but you’re a high-schooler.  You really want to risk outing both of us?”

This is one of the few things they eventually agree on: Under no circumstances is anyone to intentionally involve the GIW.

Vlad tries to recruit other ghosts in attempt to keep Phantom distracted.

This mostly consists of him failing to intimidate Skulker with his scrawny teen stature, then flattering him into it because “surely as the first and strongest of his kind Phantom would be a much worthier prize for such a skilled hunter.”

He has more luck with the resentful Yiddish vultures, although they can’t do much beyond being a nuisance.

The Box Ghost offers his services.  Repeatedly.

Vlad travels to Amity Park in attempt to steal ecto-tech from Fentonworks.  On arrival he is horrified to see just how haunted the town is due to its permanently active portal.  He beats a fast retreat after getting cornered and resolves to come back with better plans.

Vlad returns to Amity Park in attempt to recruit more minions from the thronging masses. This is somewhat successful, but a few rogue ghosts follow him home - forcing him to try to contain the situation while hiding it from Maddie and Jack.

Youngblood starts messing with Vlad’s schoolmates (interfering with some of his social schemes in the process).  As an adult Danny is incapable of seeing him, and Maddie and Vlad’s tendency to act older than their age means that Jack is the only one with a real handle on the situation.  Eventually (to his intense horror) Vlad has to do things Jack’s way to solve the problem

Jack: “You know what V-Man, I’m glad to have you back.  You’ve been so serious these last few months, I was worried you’d forgotten how to have fun!”

Vlad: *audible teeth-grinding*

Vlad refuses to swear because he thinks it’s a sign of inferior intellect and therefore beneath him.  Danny doesn’t swear because he’s desperately trying not to teach this kid any more bad habits.

Vlad makes a deal with Technus to steal some software for use in a financial scheme. Too bad that they make this arrangement in the same week that local Information Technology rising-star Tucker Foley is invited to speak at the school’s career day.

Vlad’s plans failing because his ‘superior intellect’ leads him to over-engineer excessively complex schemes.

Danny: “You know you could just have done this, right?”

Plasmius later tries Phantom’s suggestion and Danny is kicking himself because darn it I was trying to get him to knock it off, not give him pointers.

Vlad attempting subtler social schemes (e.g. overshadowing staff and student council members to make changes).  These sometimes work but other times Jack messes up the plan with his overenthusiastic support for his ‘best friend’.

Danny eventually recruiting one of Vlad’s classmates Red-Huntress-style because look, I’m running my parents company, volunteering at the observatory and trying to keep the ghosts under control.  I can’t be constantly flying to another town to make sure Plasmius isn’t bringing on the ecto-apocalypse.

Out of respect for Vlad’s privacy Danny doesn’t reveal the secret identity thing. Instead he asks them to keep Plasmius under control and also look out for Vlad Masters because the ghost might be interested in him.

What Danny didn’t notice was that this kid really doesn’t like Masters and has a pretty big grudge against Plasmius after being on the receiving end of one of his schemes.  What should have been a simple recon job instead ends up with them aggressively pursuing an intense rivalry with both of Vlad’s halves.  They also get overzealous in their ecto-hunter task and start going after Phantom as well.  So now Danny has two problems.

Jazz Fenton (a qualified and practicing psychologist in this AU) takes a job as the school’s councillor.

While there she works to convince Vlad of the benefits of altruism, tries to wheedle him into confessing his connection to Plasmius (Danny told her everything) and attempts to foil his social manipulations.  The first two aren’t met with much success but she does get in the way of the third a few times.

For his part Vlad tries different schemes to get her fired or make her leave so that he can continue plotting without interference.

Vlad sneaks into the Ghost Zone in attempt to steal a powerful item (Ring of Rage, Pandora’s box, the Fright Knights Soul Shredder etc.).  This goes about as badly you’d expect.  Unlike in canon, where Vlad bails and makes Danny deal with it, Older!Phantom drags Young!Plasmius back by the ear because you made this mess so now you’re going to help clean it up.

Phantom: “So, did we learn anything today?”

Plasmius: “I should do more research before handling powerful objects.”

Phantom: *aggrieved sigh* “You know kid, I honestly thought you were smarter than this.”

Whether Young!Vlad eventually learns his lesson or keeps spiralling until he becomes a canon!Vlad level criminal chessmaster is something that could go either way.  

What I’m getting at is:  Can someone please do a version of the age-swap AU where Vlad Masters/Plasmius is an intellectually snobbish, overly theatrical, entitled adolescent ‘mastermind’ (who isn’t quite as bright as he thinks) and Danny Fenton/Phantom is the well-intentioned and experienced adult hero (but poor teacher) who really wants to give this kid a second chance but is getting more and more done with all the villainy nonsense.

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 021421

14 February, 2021

Dear Dad--

Well...happy Valentine’s Day! In case you’re not doing anything special to mark the day, Zach and I are vigorously not celebrating it either. It’s a Sunday in the time of plague, and I no longer have the NFL to ignore. We’ll stay in and do chores, trying not to get breathed on by anybody. We’re both still alive and well, and we intend to keep it that way!

I spent yesterday ripping DVDs. It’s just like taking the songs off a CD and putting them on your computer by ripping the music disc, only it’s extracting the movie off a DVD. What this means is that, for the first time in my life (although I have friends who’ve been doing this for years), I’ve found a little free software application that will read one of my DVD movie discs and convert it to a digital file that I can play on my computer. This is something of a big deal for me, because it involved overcoming a technical hurdle: The makers of DVD movies don’t WANT you to copy them, so they put in anti-piracy safeguards to try to make it difficult. But the free application I found doesn’t seem to give a shit about copy protection! And, when it pulled the video off the discs and converted it to digital files, it kept the subtitles. I can watch it on my TV or my computer and still have the subtitles, which is good. 

All this means is that I’ve now ripped all of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, from the boxed DVD set I was given a few Christmases ago, into digital files. I have a small, old, cheap computer hooked up to my living room TV and it can play these files. I have stored all the episodes in the computer and made a playlist that will play them all, first episode to last, with one double click. In one sense, it means I’ve saved myself the egregious over-expenditure of energy required to put a DVD into the DVD player, and I can now watch the show by just telling my computer to play an episode at random. In another sense, it’s actually accomplished a few things. Firstly, I can now play every episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, in order, without having to change discs. Also it means I can sell the DVDs back, because I now have all of their contents on my computer, taking up no space at all. It all fits into my goal of owning less weight in stuff each year than the previous year. Trying to lighten my load.

After I spent several hours ripping every episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, I then spent several hours ripping 122 Beavis and Butthead episodes. I’ll say this about Beavis and Butthead: They were the best summary of everything that was laughable about my generation, and it was made by someone from Texas (Mike Judge, who then made King of the Hill), so a lot about the world in which Beavis and Butthead is set is familiar to me. There’s an episode where they’re temporarily running a neighbor’s yard sale, and when a woman asks why they removed the baby Jesus from a little manger scene for sale, they said the Jesus was sold separately, and added, as their selling point, “He’s naked. Uh-huh-huh-huh.” Incurious, destructive, and horny. It was everyone and everything I remember from middle school. 

After spending yesterday swapping DVDs out of my computer over and over, I have no such productivity planned for today, and I can go back to my primary pastime, which is waiting anxiously to see if I can get a Covid vaccination before my retirement savings runs out, so I can get a job without worrying about being exposed to other people. The state of Maine is actually getting its citizens vaccinated at a decent pace, but it’s still ONLY doing front-line medical workers, and people over 70. As for those of us under 70, there’s no waiting list, no place to sign up online, and no indication when it will come. I’m going to stay on top of this. I’m in a risk group, being over 50 and having sweet tea for blood, so I’m hoping that as soon as they open things up, I’ll be one of the first in the next group to get vaccinated. If it takes until summertime, I might be in trouble, but I’m still looking for jobs that can be done from home, or that don’t expose me to lots of other people. I just saw something in the news that said, by this point, fully one-third of Americans have been infected with Covid-19. And the news says, if you’re still going to the store for your groceries, you should probably stop doing that. Not sure what I’m supposed to do for groceries, if that’s the case!

So, as may be a bit obvious, I have had some problems with depression lately. It’s nothing too terribly worrisome, since it’s mostly external factors driving my emotions downward--financial, pandemic-related, social isolation-related, etc.--and those are a bit easier to fight than the ever-present internal ones. I wrote everything down into something I call my “Litany of Complaint,” which is a list of everything vexing me, re-written and updated as needed, where I let ALL the bile out, and sent the current version to Stacy. Stacy did what all good Stacys do, she empathized, and reiterated that, if our financial situation is ever sufficiently dire that we’re forced (metaphorically) to eat cat food, to call her for help. A Stacy safety net...a Stafety net, as it were!

I can report, therefore, that life is not all doom and gloom! I think a bullet list of all the things making me happy is in order. 

- The new occupants of trailer 1 (just in front of ours; we’re 1A) have installed something interesting: an orange light in the back bedroom that is as bright as the sun. It is a high-pressure sodium light. They are growing weed in their back bedroom. That’s legal here.

- Our two cats now sleep together, in a pile, on the electric blanket on the sofa, every day. Occasionally, they wake up and start to fight or lick each other, then fall back asleep. (Isn’t it fascinating how closely biting/murder is to licking/grooming on the color wheel of kitty behavior? They’re adjacent! One behavior will slip into the other, and slip back again, like a change in wind direction.) It’s ridiculously adorable. We hoped they’d become family to each other, and they did! We’re grateful for their dumb asses every day.

- We live between two Dunkin Donuts. There’s a Dunkin about a mile and a half in either direction of the road we’re on. Now they’re taking an abandoned Tim Horton’s on our block, and converting it into another Dunkin Donuts. So...no Whataburger, KFC, Taco Bell, or Jack in the Box, but I’ll soon be walking distance from three Dunkin Donuts. 

- I was computering on my computer a few days ago when I saw something huge land on our bird feeder outside. It was a big, gorgeous hawk-looking thing, and I called Zach over, stupefied, “Bird! Big! Big Bird! Big hawk thing!” Zach saw it too, and almost got a picture of it. After it left, we looked it up and identified it as a peregrine falcon. We have bald eagles in our neighborhood, too!

- I still love the snow, and it’s still goddamned magical whenever it happens.

I have one plan for today that might interest you; I’m going to look up a Revolutionary War battle that’s mentioned in ‘Hamilton’ and see what happened there! There’s a line in Hamilton about how General Lee “shits the bed at the battle of Monmouth,” so I’m now curious to learn exactly how he did so. I’ll let you know how it turns out!

As Mr. Spock says, live long and prosper. All my love to you both!

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

my boyfriend is paying half of his friends rent and he doesn’t even live with him. he lives with his mom where he also pays rent. we’ve been dating for 3 years now, 4yrs in April, and I don’t see him ready to commit to me. when i mention even a promise ring he laughs and thinks i’m joking, but i want a least a sign that if i stay it won’t be for nothing. is that wrong? if he’s paying for two rents instead of building a life with me should i worry? i hope my question makes sense. i don’t want to date and then break up at our 4+ years and seeing it was all for nothing when i could’ve been doing something else. i also don’t want to pressure him into commitment. i guess i’m just worried that he doesn’t love me that way.

Okay, so there's a lot more going on here than might seem so on the surface. So let's just pick everything apart, piece by piece, and address them individually. Because this is just a big, tangled ball of yarn, and we can't address the whole thing; we have to address each piece by itself.

So first, your boyfriend and his rent payments. At the end of the day, there's nothing REALLY wrong with this. Why is he paying rent for a place he's not living at? Maybe there's a reason, maybe there's not. I think it's dumb, but it's not my money. Should he be also paying rent at his parents place? That's a conversation for him and his mom, but again, that's his business. Effectively, with this rent scheme-thing he has going on, the final ruling is: his money, his business. You can give him suggestions on spending his money, and you can tell him how you'd like him to spend his money. But at the end of the day, it's his money, and he can do whatever he wants. ---------

Second issue: building a life with you. This ties into the first a little bit. Again, should he probably be considering building a life with you? Yeah, sure. But his money, his business, once again. He works for that money, and he's spending it in a way that suits his needs. Again, should he be contributing to your overall relationship? MAYBE？It really depends on what kind of commitment financially you're wanting from him. But in the same way that you should be spending your money on your needs, he can spend his money on his needs.

One thing that I usually emphasize for most people in relationships is you should not financially invest too much money into your partners. That might seem like a cheapskate sort of thing to say, but there is value in that. Money makes people fucking looney. Some people get really irrational around money, and it causes way more problems than it needs to. So just separating that from your relationship is very important. You should either strive for equal contribution for all parties, or no contribution from either party. Sure they can take you on a date, and you can pay for a gift for them on Christmas or whatever. But this is just you two spending your money for YOUR reasons; they wanted to pay for your date, you wanted to buy a gift; it has nothing to do with "exchanging" money, even though logically that's basically what is happening.

But the moment you start long-term money investment into another person's life, weird power imbalances start to occur. The person who spends more can feel like they're "owed" something for the money they spent, even though that's not how relationships work (outside of sugar baby / findomme sorts of relationships). It's basically IRL simping at that point, except with cash dollars. Further, money shouldn't be this weird give-and-take between people; money is just a thing, and you spend money, that's how the economy goes round. Nobody is obligated to do anything with that money they don't want to, and there should be no obligations set upon anyone unless those obligations are mutually agreed upon.

AKA, think of relationships like a Kickstarter. You are investing money, and you should have ZERO EXPECTATIONS for that account to return your investment. Yeah, maybe it will pay back some time in the future; but it also might flop. So that's a risk you are taking with your money; therefore, don't spend more money than you're willing to lose. That's just financial advice at that point. ------------ NEXT PROBLEM, you don't want to date for a long time and learn it was all worth nothing in the end.

This is an issue for one reason, and that is because you are literally describing all relationships. Whether they're coworker relations, people you're dating, or friendships, all relationships are throwing all your time and emotion into someone for that to inevitably not work out. This sucks for some people, especially people who preference long-term relationships, because you give a WHOLE LOT to a single relationship, and if it crashes and burns, that's very problematic to you in a million different ways.

An example: I fell in love with this girl in high school. We hit it off, she was one of the only people who treated me like a human being, she gave me affection and respect. I loved it, and I loved her. And she reciprocated to a large degree! We had a bit of an age-gap, making dating illegal (I just graduated, she was a sophomore), but we were fine just being friends anyway. We spent ALL OUR TIME together, and although our relationship wasn't explicitly romantic, we definitely felt the same way toward each other, and would love to take the relationship elsewhere when it was socially acceptable to do so. We were like that for THREE  YEARS, teetering on the brink of romance, giant crushes, physical affection, all that good stuff. And then... one day, she just changed. She started drinking heavily and partying, she started hooking up with randos (and not me, even though she said we should be together since by that time we could date). And eventually I just got the hint that she was just playing with my emotions. I didn't want to let that go though, because I mean, she was my best friend and someone I legitimately cared about as a human and as a romantic partner, and I put so much time and effort into fostering that space with her. But in the end, she was literally hurting my feelings by not treating me with the respect she used to give, the respect she taught me I deserved. So I left, and we stopped associating.

That story SUCKS, but that's just how relationships go. I didn't know she'd take a weird left turn at the end and start having loose sex with everyone she knew. But that's the way the cards were played, and it's not my job to figure out why that happened, but rather to react to the state of play as it's happening. AKA, to use financial terminology again, if you see that an investment is crashing and burning, continuing to invest time, effort, and money into that thing is a self-fulfilling prophecy, because you already know what's gonna happen. --------- Now the final issue: promise rings and pressure to commitment. This is the big one, so pay attention.

HOW THE FUCK IS THIS GUY NOT COMMITTED TO YOU AFTER FOUR YEARS OF DATING.

There's a reason I told that specific story from my past, because it's basically the same situation as yours in the scale of time. After that time, my girl didn't commit to me; she flaked on the idea of our relationship. YOUR PARTNER IS DOING THAT TO YOU, ACTIVELY, EVERY DAY. Are they actually dating you? Sure, that's nice. Do they take care of you or make you happy? Yeah, probably.

But let's think about this seriously for a minute. How much of that happiness is the security of you being in a relationship, and how much of that is actually fear of losing that security blanket which is not actually providing value to your life. Don't answer, because I know the answer: you're scared. You put so much time and effort into this thing and you want it to work. That's natural, you're just doing your best. BUT IT'S NOT WORKING. You know this already. You literally told me that you don't want to prove this was all worth nothing. But this is a self-fulfilling prophecy; that's what this relationship already is. You wouldn't have said that to me if you didn't already have a legitimate, logical fear that this was a true statement that you were stating to me.

But no, that can't be. Logical thoughts be damned, I WANT THIS TO WORK. So what do we do? We adjust the logic to fit our narrative. In the same people who are crazy about Trump form conspiracy theories to justify their worldview, you have changed the logic of your own relationship.

It's not that he doesn't commit to you, right? It's just that you don't want to pressure him into commitment. Sounds logical, right? IT'S NOT LOGICAL. YOU HAVE BEEN DATING THIS PERSON FOR FOUR YEARS. That is an eternity in modern-dating standards, and you STILL don't feel like he is putting the appropriate amount of effort into you.

But no no no, like, you just don't want to upset him; you don't want to make him feel pressured. Because then he might leave. Yeah, he might. Then what? What if he leaves tomorrow, no explanation? Would the relationship have been worth it? You know the answer is no.

"But but but, I'm happy. I feel good in my relationship." You do, yes, and I'm sure you have a lot of great experiences and memories with this person. But you also have bad memories, like memories of him LITERALLY LAUGHING AT YOU for the idea of wearing a ring that shows he cares about you. After FOUR YEARS. You have visions of your future with him where you are ready to throw your life into this relationship, but when you look at him, he can't even balance his finances, because you know it's impossible with his current circumstances to do that.

This is your brain speaking to you. It is telling you what is wrong, and you are making excuses because realizing that you might have been on the wrong path is uncomfortable. And that's okay, like my story told you, this shit sucks. Sometimes we waste time, and it really sucks. But if you were taking a roadtrip from New York City to Florida, and then realized you were actually on a highway to Chicago, would you keep driving to Chicago or would you stop and take the nearest route to Florida? That's only a question you can answer.

I say that for a reason. I can't tell you what to do; that's not my job. My job is to tell you the shit you don't want to think about, but the stuff that you know is true already, based on the evidence you have provided to me. And I see a person who is irresponsible with their finances. Is that bad? No, he can do anything he wants with his money. But do I see a person who laughs at their girlfriend when their girlfriend wants a sign of affection? Yes. Do I see a person who is struggling with their relationship and feels unfulfilled and unhappy about the future. So MY logical reaction is to let you know that you are more uncomfortable and unhappy than you are giving yourself credit for.

By all means, try to discuss this with your boyfriend. There's no shame in that, because you HAVE invested a lot, and it sucks to lose that. If you think you can fix this, you should do everything in your power to try to fix that. But you need to start fixing things ASAP. Because you're halfway to Chicago, and Florida is only getting further away.

Have a talk with him; let him know you're feeling unfulfilled. Let him know that you feel like he isn't committed to you, cite your reasoning. Let him know that you are concerned about the stability and future of your relationship with him. Let him know that it worries you about the way that he is spending his money, and you would ask if he'd be willing to invest that money into building a long-term future with you instead. Have those hard talks. And if he gives you the same sass or disregard that he's already shown you, DUMP HIS ASS.

Because maybe you have wasted your time. Wasting your time isn't a bad thing; it just means some time got wasted. I still have fond memories of my crush from high school, because she was great, and made me so happy and fulfilled. But she was not treating me right, so I had to get out. You are not being treated right, presently. It's time to either fix that scenario, or get out before you waste any more time.

[lamgrace1993]

How Do U Save A Marriage Wonderful Useful Tips

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Save Marriage Retreat

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Can Getting A Dog Save Your Marriage

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[hennessy-jacen]

Jacen Hennessy (Pre-Henneson)

Basic Facts.

What is Your Character’s Name?

Jacen with a "c", Denver like the city, Hennessy like the brandy.

How does the character feel about his or her name?

I like it well enough. It's a great conversation starter.

How did he or she get this name? Was it passed on from a family member, or did the parents read it on the side of a cereal box the day the child was born?

My parents wanted to be unique? Just swapped an "s" for a "c", an "o" for an "e"? They met in Denver and my dad is super

Irish

. Like embarrassingly Irish.

What is the meaning of the name?

It comes from a Gaelic name that sounds similar but is spelled with more vowels than I can fit in my mouth.

What culture did the name originate from?

Irish.

Super

Irish.

What regions of the world did the name come from?

Ireland. Like many Irish things.

What connotations or stereotypes does the name have?

I'm an alcoholic from Colorado named Jason?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

How old is your character?

25

When was he or she born?

October 5, 1991

What events were happening locally, nationally and globally the year your character was born?

Terminator came out. My parents got into a fight cause my mom insisted on watching it in theaters six months pregnant. So basically Arnold Schwarzenegger is to blame for everything that's wrong with me.

What is the zodiac sign?

Libra

Does his or her zodiac sign have any bearing on their personality traits?

My mom says I have great patience like all good Libras.

What Chinese Horoscope year were they born in?

The year of the great goat lol

How does this influence their personality traits?

I make b-a-a-a-a-a-ad jokes?

How does your character like to celebrate his or her birthday?

Like it was any other day. It's a treat to be busy and have consistency in my day to day life. I'm fine if no one knows or cares.

What does your character look like?

Like a pasty hobbit?

Is your character Athletic or Overweight? Tall or Short?

I'm 5'9 so reaching for things is a struggle but they made sure I could lift three times my weight if push came to shove during paramedic training so I guess I have that going for me.

Hair color and length?

I used to have blonde hair when I was a kid but it got darker real quick. It's pretty brown now and I like keeping it short-ish. Just as long as it's out of my way, I'm good.

Eye color?

Bl...ue? I think that's what my license says.

Any scars or birth marks?

A couple of scars here and there just from getting scraped up on the job. Nothing serious.

Does your character have a physical disability?

No, thankfully and luckily, considering how easy it is to get bent out of shape in my job.

What actress or actor would you have play the role of your character if it was a movie?

Haha, maybe if I was more photogenic, tall, and muscular, Ryan Gosling. Basically, if I wasn't a pasty hobbit then Ryan Gosling.

What style of clothes does your character wear?

I like being comfortable. But I also like looking good when I don't

have

to be comfortable. I own a lot of flannel plaid, a couple of leather-ish jackets, a ton of jeans, a lot of t-shirts and a lot of sweatpants. Not very inventive.

What clothes would he or she wear every day on a casual basis?

All the plaid in the world. And then some.

For a night out on the town?

I own slacks. Somewhere. And some button-downs that aren't plaid. And cologne.

To bed?

Shorts or just my boxers.

Does he or she wear any special jewelry or accessories?

Can't really wear jewelry to work at the risk of it ending up on the ambulance floor and at that point it's gone forever.

What type of shoes does your character wear?

Sneakers for days. All the Dr. Scholl's you can handle is under my feet, day in, day out.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Where does your character live?

Girard Estates, South Philly.

Is it an Apartment? House? In the backseat of his car?

It's the second floor of a house so it's pretty comfortable.

How does your character feel about the current living arrangements?

Pretty comfortable lol I've been there for a while, I like it, it's home.

Does your character live with anyone else? Who are those people?

Not anymore.

How does your character get along with his or her neighbors?

My downstairs neighbors are pretty cool. Their dog shows up on my doorstep sometimes so that's cute, I guess? Who has a dog door on their front door and not the door leading into the backyard? Anyway, they're a couple, they're cool.

What is the view outside of your character's window?

Trees, hedges, sidewalk, some cars. Most people park in their garages or driveways though.

What items do they keep next to their bed?

My phone, my Fitbit, a lamp. A chapstick when it decides not to roll off on its own accord.

What is your character's most valuable possession?

I value all of my material things with the same amount of indifference lol I don't have anything crazy valuable. I guess I'd be mad if someone stole my TV or laptop or headphones but that's just cause they were expensive, not cause they're sentimental valuable. Unless you meant monetarily valuable cause then definitely my TV. The thing cost an arm and a leg.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

What does the character do for a living?

I'm a paramedic.

Do they find this work enjoyable?

Yeah, it's rewarding even though it's like 80% organized chaos and 20% escorting highly inebriated people to the drunk tank to sleep it off.

What is your character's dream job?

I guess I'd like to properly go to medical school someday, get my degree and all...but I also feel like I procrastinated it for too long. I'm 25, by the time I go to school and get into the practice I'll be ancient...I dunno. Maybe one day. I love it where I am though and I don't know if I'd miss the energy if being a paramedic if I was confined to a building all day.

What is your character's financial situation?

I'm doing good, I'm comfortable. I can get nice things that I want without having to think too hard about it so it's a luxury I feel like I'm lucky to have.

What does your character spend most of his/her money on?

I spend a lot of money on food. It's dumb, I like to treat myself to nice meals. That and recreation, I like new experiences a lot so I don't mind paying for like scuba diving lessons and stuff.

What would your character do if he or she won the lottery?

I'd probably help some people out, like pay some medical school bills for some friends. I know some really good people who help others out a lot that are drowning in crippling debt cause they made the decision to help others out and that's not fair. And then I'd probably get myself a really good steak.

W

hat is your character's highest level of education?

I have a bachelor's in health science.

What things do they wish were different about their current profession?

I wish there was a little better support from administration sometimes. I wish equipment wasn't updated once in a century. My hospital isn't one wealthy or high enough on the radar to get trial equipment so we have to wait the years it takes for licenses, patents, and mass production to roll out things to us that could save lives today. It's frustrating to know there's knowledge and equipment out there that's reserved for the richest, the best in politics, and so forth.

...Is it too late to say don't get me started?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Who are his or her parents?

My dad is Caden and my mom is Angie. Hennessy.

Does he or she have any siblings?

Nope, they decided I was trouble enough. Kidding, I think they tried but it just didn't pan out before or after me.

A spouse or other romantic partner or love interest?

Not at the moment.

How about children?

The only person I figured I'd have children with left me so...no.

Other family? Aunts? Uncles? Second Cousins Twice Removed?

I have like 15 cousins. My parents both have a lot of siblings and a lot of them have kids who also have kids. Family reunions are kind of nutso.

How does your character feel about family functions and events?

Speaking of... lol They're okay, really. It's a lot of people but we usually rent out big parks or places where we can all exist without getting on too many nerves and there are ample hiding spots. The kids are cute and there's always good food and my parents always spoil me a bit hoping I don't get annoyed and stop showing up one year so that's nice too.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Who are your character's closest friends?

Mostly people I work with. I spend a lot of time with my squad so they really know me better than anyone else.

How did your character meet his or her best friend?

Work. I guess if I really had to pick someone I'm closest to on the squad it would be Jackson. I've known him since my first day on the squad, we started together.

What do they value most in friendship?

Fun, good naturedness. I like being able to relax, it's really important that I can just be myself around the people I hang out with.

Does your character make friends easily?

I guess. I don't get on people's shit list easily, I don't think.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

What was your character's first romantic encounter like?

Um embarrassing and in college? Also not totally sober? I went away for college so being away from home for the first time was an experience lol

How does your character display affection?

Uh...I like being close I guess? Like in proximity, I just like having people close and comfortable with me. I like holding hands and stuff. I dunno, just your generic stuff.

What is your character's idea of a perfect romantic date?

Something that makes us both really happy. Something meaningful. I like having a purpose when I go places, discovering things is so much more worthwhile with another person.

Has your character ever had his or her heart broken?

I mean, yeah.

What qualities does your character look for in a romantic partner?

The same stuff I look for in a good friend, I guess. I just want someone I can really be myself around. Someone that can make me smile and someone that I can make smile.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Does your character have any pets? What type?

Nope, I'm really not home enough to have a pet.

What are your characters favorite animals?

I like cats and dogs. I think it'd be kind of neat to have a ferret or a bearded dragon but I think I'd feel bad about keeping a bearded dragon in literally a tank all day.

How many times has your character visited the zoo?

I used to go a lot as a kid. My parents would bring me or I'd go with my cousins. Once for school, that was cool. I bought my parents a stuffed monkey from that trip and they still have it so I guess that's kind of important to me or whatever :')

_____________________________________________________________________________________

What are his or her favorite foods to eat?

I like a lot of things, food is literally my favorite. I like ramen and lamb and a lot of roasted greens. This is a hard question, I like a lot of things a lot.

Does he or she enjoy to cook?

Yeah. I get really ambitious and it isn't always excellent but I like to try.

Any food allergies or sensitivities?

No, thankfully.

What foods can he or she not stand to be around or eat?

My dad's family has a pallet for some things I don't love. Irish baked goods are just not that great and I don't get the hype about black and white pudding I'm soRRY I SAID IT YOU CAN KICK ME OUT NOW.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

How does your character spend a lazy Sunday afternoon?

Lazily lol I don't get up too late cause I know it'll throw off my routine but I like to make myself breakfast at my own pace and watch whatever I've been meaning to catch up on for days. Maybe make a trip to the grocery store and peruse the aisles at my own leisure. Come home and play some video games? If I'm gonna have a lazy day I'm gonna commit to total leisure.

What are their favorite places to go when alone?

With friends?

I like going to the park alone. Walks are nicer with a podcast to think about. I can be a part of society without actually bothering myself, it's basically perfect. If I'm with friends I like to get a drink or go play board games at someone's house, that's pretty neat.

Where would your character like to travel?

Anywhere! It would be great to take a break and just have the incentive to go somewhere and enjoy something new.

How does he or she want to get there?

Driving, flying? By boat. I don't care. I haven't found a mode of transport I've hated yet.

Does your character have preferences on types of lodging?

Not gonna lie, I'm not a roughing it kind of guy, I don't love fending for myself. I like somewhere with running water and internet at least. And no bugs. Don't like bugs.

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What are your characters favorite movies and TV shows?

I guess I like hour-long shows that I can really get invested in. Like Peaky Blinders and X-Files and stuff. I like getting immersed in the stuff I watch, which is a lot more TV than movies.

What are their favorite actors and actresses?

I like a lot of people. Peter Dinklage, Gillian Anderson, Sam Neill. A lot of people have a lot of talent. I have a fucking huge crush on Emma Thompson. That's embarrassing but she's literally so fun.

How often do they watch movies and/or television?

I usually watch TV to turn my brain off after a long day so often. Almost every evening? I usually watch something over dinner.

What genre of music would you find your character most likely listening to?

My iTunes is mostly rock, I guess.

When do they listen to music? In the car? While working?

When I'm working out. Or we play music in the ambulance sometimes when it's empty.

What artists and bands does your character enjoy listening to?

I like the Arctic Monkeys and The National and stuff like that. Stuff that I can really appreciate on noise-canceling headphones. If it can get me in my feelings I'm there.

W

ould your character go to a concert and enjoy it?

Yeah! I used to go to concerts a lot more often before but I do enjoy the experience if it's for the right band the right atmosphere.

Does your character play any musical instruments?

No. I used to play guitar when I was a kid but I lost interest ages ago.

What are his or her favorite books?

I don't read as much as I should...but I do like reading books of movies and TV shows after I watch them. When I can't get enough of the world it built it's nice to fill in the holes with the book.

What books are on his or her bookshelf at home?

A lot of my college reading material to make myself look smart to my dust bunny house guests. Plus all those movie and TV show books.

What titles does he or she borrow from the library?

I don't really go to the library. If I'm not sure enough about a book to order it online I usually don't get it at all.

What genre of books does your character enjoy reading?

Romance Fiction? Non-fiction? Thriller Crime Novels? Historical Fiction? Self-help? Poetry?

Historical fiction, post-apocalyptic, sci-fi, basically any kind of fiction really. I'm here for a good, gripping story.

What is your character's favorite quote and why?

“If not us, who? If not now, when?” ― John F. Kennedy

[evelyn-fenton-blog]

Family Fuck ups.

I sit at the desk. I had hoped the palace would make chairs more comfortable than the ones at my own home, but alas any chair sat in for more than four hours is a bad chair. I suppose I should be socializing.

Maya is now my friend, Eloise is my friend, I’m supposed to be seducing Prince Nathaniel. But I want to write. There’s just no inspiration. It’s not like the first time I wrote. Not like the first time I lost.

**************Flashback time***********

It’s almost time for finals, but I couldn’t care less. All I care about is him. My childhood friend, my only friend, my first love, and my boyfriend.

I wait after school for him hiding around a vending machine, using the angles to keep me out of sight. Once he is in my sight I leap hugging him, taking him by surprise.

“I got you!” I cheer. He laughs as we hug. Then he tries to kiss me, though I was still much too young for that. So I pulled away.

The next year we stayed the same.

He aged to 18, I aged to 16. We grew up together, holding hands together, laughing together. Being together.

Then it all stopped.

It started calm.

“This is a really good poem for just Ms. Wallis’ class. Why not enter it in a contest?”

“You know I don’t really want to be a writer.”

“You’re just saying that because I’m a six.”

“It’s not that.”

“If it isn’t how come that is the only time you truly seem yourself? Why do you put in words the things you’d never say? Why do you put writing above even eating at times?”

“I don’t know. Well.. I may love writing but I love you more I just want to be with you!”

“You don’t know what you want Evey! You’re a child!”

“Yes I do I want you! If I’m such a child why are you even with me then?”

***************************************************

I lean back in the seat and look at the time.

One in the morning. It’s time to wake him.

I walk up to the royals hall. I know I shouldn’t be here but I couldn’t send a maid. Then I knock on the door and wait.

“Brooks!” I yell in a hushed voice not wanting to wake anyone.

He groggily opens the door. “What? Evelyn?”

I giggled at his appearance. He was not a very dainty sleeper. “You have bedhead. Anyways, it's time for you to help me with my next book. Get dressed.”

He looked back into his room, presumingly at a clock. “It’s 1am.”

“Yup. This way we won't get in trouble, brains work better at night, and the cold can wake you up.”

He yawns “Fine.” then grabs a sweater and closes the door.

“Where're we going?”

“We're going to escape the palace. I read on a map there's a beach by here. In short we're going exploring.”

“We should tell a guard.”

“That would take the fun out of it. If by some magic they notice we're gone we'll just say you were kind enough to take me on a walk because I couldn't sleep. Just to the gardens.”

“I'm hardly allowed to go anywhere without supervision.”

“Well, you have my supervision. Come on.” I then took his sleeve to slowly drag him along which he doesn't resist.

“Good boy. Nooowwww how do you think we should escape. The beach looks closer to the garden and there's that big woods right by it so I'm guessing there's a weak point there.”

“We are so not going in the woods.”

“And why not?”

“I could be murdered.”

“By a bunny rabbit?”

“By Hooks Heave.”

I laughed, “You'll be fine. If Hooks Heave makes an appearance I'll write in a wolf to maul him.”

“Oh, thank God. I'm so glad I have your writing to rely on regarding my life.”

“You’re very welcome.”

“Are you planning on murdering me?”

“Nope this is not inspiration for Hooks Heave.”

“Damn.”

“Damn? Did you want to die?”

He grinned, “Oh no, I would never be so self deprecating.”

“Somehow I feel like that's sarcasm. Now i'm for sure going to push you into the ocean.”

“Excuse you, I am royalty and I do not take threats like that lightly. Watch yourself, peasant.” He then poked my forehead.

“Right. Dear me, now I may lose my head. All because of some cold salt water.”

“The real world is a cruel, cruel place.”

“Thats an idea for a book. Writing about the crudeness of the world. A woman falls in love with a man only to learn he's a dick then they fight and she finally storms out to leave with their 5 year old daughter. She packs a small suitcase and boards a bus out of town. As the bus leaves a giant octopus comes and crushes the town. Everyone dies but the daughter. The lesson is the world is cruel.”

“Yikes... I see why you need my help. Tsk tsk.” I thought that one was pretty good. Even when you want to escape to a nicer world, the world is not nice and will kill you if you try.

“Well I lost my past inspirations so now I'm just stuck with bad ideas but a good brain. It's a very complicated situation.” I lost him, and I lost her.

“What a tragic time. I don't know about you, but I'm partial to accuracy.”

“Yeah but I don't know what to be accurate about. Even if i took out the octopus the root of that idea sucks. My first book was a love story, the second was a murder mystery, now I need something new but all I have are octopi and hooks heave.”

“Okay, what about a coming of age story?”

“People like those, but that focuses just on one person. I'm not good at that.”

His face brightens, “A challenge!”

I sighed, why’d something I hate so much have to inspire him? “I don't even know where to start with a book like that.”

“Think of a main character.”

“Well I normally base my characters a bit on myself but I can't make it too similar ummm..okay so it's about a young girl, maybe 18. No idea what her name is.”

“Close your eyes.”

“Why?” I ask but close them.

“Just do it. Okay, what is this character like.”

“Ummm. She's a redhead, she's pretty introverted, she can be a bit aggressive and selfish too but that's because she  raised well. She likes sweets and cats.” Like you but meaner.

“What's her family like?”

“Her mother and father fight a lot. They stay together for financial reasons. For most of her youth she was neglected as they were trying to divorce but finally settled on living separately but staying married. She later had a half-sister who is much younger than her who's raised under the custody of her father who was a much nicer man than her mother as a female.”

“Does she have friends?”

“Not really. She doesn't go out much because she's scared people will hurt her like her parents did.”

“Is there a love interest in her world?”

“No men are horrible.....” A book with a female lead without a female love interest is risky. It might not sell well.

I sigh, “I guess she can have a male for awhile. But I write tragedies so it'll end with them breaking up somehow.”

“She finds herself, huh?”

“Always better to pick yourself over a man. That's the theme of my first book, not the one you were reading.” It’s what I should have done. Instead he forced me to have no choice but myself.

“Ah, but are you writing your first book?”

“Ah no. I wrote that book in 2 days, dont want a mistake like that again.” I wrote it sobbing, with a fever.

He left me. He made me pick writing over him. He broke me. I didn’t leave my home for a month afterwards. I failed all my classes, I was basically a high school dropout. All I had was a box of tissues, my laptop, my cat, and my feelings. I needed to vent it all out somehow. My first book was how.

“Think of what you want again.”

“Right. Book. New book. Book with brooks. Maybe I'll have it end with her picking her career over her boy.”

“Why can't she do both?” Right Brooks is a prince. He has time to do careers as hobbies along with his caste given duty.

“She's a three, her boyfriends a four and wanted to include her in the family. If she stayed with him she'd have to accept eventually becoming a four and no longer being able to be a writer as her career.” Make it a four. Make it seem better. Safer. Less of a risk. That way the idea of her dropping down a caste seems more possible. Instead of falling three.

“So she chooses work over love?”

“Yes. It's the wise choice. It's what will make her money and keep her afloat in a society which she is already disadvantaged in due to her gender. Because of her upbringing she is also taught to have the practical mindset that would lead her to that choice. Also she wants to make her mother happy so obviously there is no other choice for her.” It’s the choice I should have made. I should have left his ass. I should have won our relationship. Been the empowered woman. Not the deer in the headlights.

“What if she breaks past that?”

“She can't she shouldn't give up what she loves for a man. But I can't end it that way either. Even if he wasn't right for her, she's still a person. No one deserves to just live alone like that, without friends or anyone to love. Maybe she should have just settled so she wouldn't have to be alone with only a cat who would die three months later.”

“Stop writing what you're used to.”

“I don't know what else to write.”

“Do something you're not comfortable with.”

“What about a sci-fi book. I hate those so maybe I could make one I like.”

He laughs. What? I thought that was a legitimate idea. “Open your eyes.”

I open them, happy to see Brooks again. “Thank God I'm not blind. I was starting to get tired.”

“Do you have an idea of what you want to do?”

“I want to go swimming. If I go to bed I'll miss the window the brain is most creative in.”

“You should go to bed.”

“Fine. I'll walk back with you so you don't get murdered.”

“I'm so honored.”

“You should be.” I then held my arm out.

“Here you can even link arms with me that way if Hooks comes at you it'll be easier to hide behind me.”

“What if I'm Hooks?”

That stumped me for a moment. “Hmmm then I guess I deserve to be killed for being dumb enough to not notice, then lead you to a secluded area with me.”

“Let's just head back to the palace. And quickly too. I don't want the press getting the wrong idea.”

“What do you mean wrong idea? Plus I doubt there's any press out and about this late.”

“Well, it's a little weird a selected would be walking with me out here. And they're always around.”

“True but I could explain it. Writers always do crazy things. And thats creepy. Maybe I should write about journalists being aliens from hell.”

“Wouldn't be that far off. Luckily, I'm not in the papers very often.”

“Shocking, you don't want to be a drama llama and win all the attention?”

“'Drama llama'?”

“I like the rhyme, kill me. Your sister clearly shows off that even those who aren't the heir can get all the attention they need.”

He frowned and back away from me, unlinking our arms. “Are you talking about Mal?” Fuck.

“A bit? It's not a judgement just a fact that press likes the way she acts so she gets a lot of attention from them. Why does it matter?” shit.

“It sounds like you're speaking in the negative.” Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“You can't insult my sister to my face, Evelyn.” God I’m a moron.

“Right. Maybe I should not talk about your sisters at all, doesn't seem to go well.”

“Yeah, maybe you shouldn't.” We walked in silence. Great Evey, you are a master of conversation. Insult his sister to his face.

“I trust you can make it to your room from here.”

I apologize once more and leave. It seems everytime we talk I ruin it. 

[araneaxdragoon]

[ I have a bit of stuff on my mind and you’re welcome to scroll past this if you’d like. I just feel more comfortable venting off here than anywhere else because I feel safer here. Hence, the undercut.

So anyone who knows me; knows that I come from a rather large family. I’m the second eldest sister of 6 girls -- fourth eldest of 8 kids. Needless to say, I come from a large family. Coming from a family that has mainly females living in a single house hold; you can only imagine how protective the fam is. On that same token, however, I’ve realized that my mother is getting impatient with my sisters and I when it comes to settling down..starting a family and all that happy shit. I hate to disappoint her but those that do have a started family aren’t..doing too well. Not to mention that living in general is freaking expensive. To clothes, food..rent and a whole bunch of other bills..not to mention if you have little silly stupid stuff you need to take care of if you have kids, like stuff for school. Financial stuff aside, I don’t want to start a family just to make other people happy. If I ever did, I would want to do it because I want to..and honestly, I’m not ready to be a mother. I just have a part-time job and I can just barely support myself, let alone someone else. Plussssss...you know, I am single asf. Xixi is a marshmallow with somewhat high standards. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have..considering how many women my age are well..let’s just say there are a lot of dull knives on the knife block.

I know I have been told that my requirements are ridiculous but..-le shrugs- I could care less. If I end up remaining single, so be it. -Mutual respect -Somewhat similar interests -Can agree to disagree when it comes to things neither of us like -Has no problem with my weight ( shallow I know, but I am a bit self conscious about that and no I’m not going on a diet just to get a significant other. It’s either all or nothing honey.) -Can handle my mood swings -Has no problem with late night cuddles -Doesn’t mind me cooking for them from time to time -Understands that at times, I am shit at using words. -Realizes that, yes, I too am a gamer and a role player. I need alone time from time to time. If you wanna join, we can talk about how to involve one another in one of the two main hobbies I have. -OPEN COMMUNICATION. I..KIND OF know of someone who fits the bill but him and I are slowly talking again. I’m deathly nervous about talking with this guy because I feel like every time I make progress forward, shit seems to blow up in my face.

He’s quite the gentlemen and he is one of the reasons why I adore Zexion. His version of that character is what I try to lure out into my fan fictions back in our old days of role playing. He..knows that I have feelings for him and he has told me that he has feelings for me too..but we aren’t making things official due to well..distance. This guy...I’ve had on and off arguments with but thankfully we have learned to have stupid petty internet squabbles be water under the bridge. But while I am making slow progress with this guy, I see that my twin is getting further in relationship stuff than me. I don’t want to seem jealous but..I’m just..amazed that she, my twin sister who takes medication for anxiety and depression, is able to survive one relationship after another and STILL get people to be interested in her. When I, her twin sister, who doesn’t take meds for the minor anxiety I have, has trouble just getting ONE GUY’S ATTENTION.. Is it because I’m intimidating or...are my standards too much? Ehhn...I try not to sugar coat how I am feeling around people and I know for a fact that pisses people off. I’ve actually lost people whom I thought were my friends because I spoke my mind. Hm.. Am I truly a friend if I lie to make someone feel better or do I tell them the truth -- truth I know damn well they won’t take well? WELP.. Shit happens and if you don’t want my opinion on a topic you know I’m highly opinionated on; don’t ask.

I know I have issues. I’m not the easiest person to get along with and I know damn well that me being single is my own fault but honestly...? I don’t want to end up like my brother. He has two kids from two different women because he couldn’t make up his mind on who he wanted to be with..and both women used him. I might feel a little antsy every now and then but a relationship isn’t all about sex; contrary to what my idiot brother thinks. This..among other things, is why I want to be with an intellectual..not someone who bases a relationship on physical acts an appearance. Why on Earth would I waste my time with someone who only wants to roll in the sack but can’t keep either of us entertained via conversation? I want to be with someone who I can laugh, talk and confide in..not just looking for a thrill in the sheets.

But hey...maybe..just maybe..I can get things to work out with this guy. I want to say that we have a bit in common..and we’ve talked hours on end before. He seems almost too perfect and every time something falls through with us, we later on find each other again. Is this Lady Luck giving me a hint saying ‘ YES THIS IS THE ONE STOP PROCRASTINATING GURL AND GO GET HIM’...or is it just..dumb luck? I dunno..If this talking stage lasts more than a month then maybe MAYBE I will say something..but I don’t want to take too many risks. I’ve already had so many attempts of me getting with someone blow up in my face. All I can do is just be myself and hope for the best, right? I hope this doesn’t blow up in my face again. Cupid, give me a break bro. I’m done with this runaround shit..