#it’s ok I’m safe my brain will never be fully developed

[dawnrider]

From the post notes, @scaponigifs requested Song 13 for InuKag, which happens to be Coloring Outside the Lines by MisterWives. This ended up being another snippet from the Modern AU with slouchy jacket Inu and college student Kagome from @heavenin--hell's art. So enjoy some fluffiness to close out Thursday!

Kagome took in a sharp breath through her nose as she woke very suddenly. Her heart was racing, pulse pounding in her ears. “Oi. You ok?” The voice in the dark, the proximity it came from, made her jump. Only to find she was held tightly in a pair of strong arms.  “Kagome. Hey. You’re ok. It’s just me.”

Her brain needed another moment before it could fully understand that she was safely tucked into bed with Inuyasha’s arms around her. “I… Yea.” She swallowed hard. “A dream, I guess.” He shifted, rolling her over so she was facing him. His eyes glowed faintly as they reflected the little bit of light from the streetlamp outside their apartment window. The blinds only did so much to block it. Kagome kept meaning to get blackout curtains for that window, but it was never the priority. “What scared you, huh?” he murmured, hand smoothing over her hair. “You’re shaking.” “It was like everything that could go wrong, did. The school kicked me out before I graduated. My job… Then the apartment was on fire. It was just…” Inuyasha hushed her, kissing her forehead and holding her a little closer. “Graduation is this weekend. You’re already done. Your new job starts next week. Everything is alright.” She nodded against him, eyes closing in relief at his words. All the things that could be wrong were not. They were safe and, finally, their future was in motion. Inuyasha had breezed through his GED and was enrolled online at the local community college to complete general education courses before applying to the same university she was about to graduate from. They would still be in their apartment a little while longer, but with her tuition paid off, they could focus their finances on paying his tuition instead. He had taken a shine to computers and seemed to excel in the few free online courses he had found on coding and web development. They were hoping he could do almost everything online so he would not risk being identified as not human… “Kagome?” Her eyes lifted from his chest to his face. “We’re gonna be alright, ya know?” She could tell by the tone of his voice that he was smiling. “You’ve worked… so hard. I know how stressed you’ve been, and I know I’ve added to that.” “No, Inuyasha.” She sighed, squirming until she could frame his face with her hands and pull him into a soft kiss.  “This is all for us, right? Together.” He nodded. “We support each other. That’s how this works. We work together.” “For the life we want together,” he whispered, rubbing his nose against hers. Kagome smiled, eyes closing in relief. Having him near made her feel better, but knowing they were still on the same page let her heart settle enough that she started to feel sleepy again. “I’ll make pancakes in the morning,” he promised her as her eyes grew heavy. She chuckled drowsily. “Don’t laugh. I’m gonna get them right this time.” “I’ll eat em anyway.” It was his turn to chuckle at her.  “I know. You’re too nice.” “Mmm… You always say that.” A yawn grabbed her. “First thing you ever said to me.” “I know. Still true.” She could feel him take a deep breath, likely sniffing her. “Best thing I ever did,” he murmured to her just before she drifted off.

[jiminrings]

Hiiii jiminrings aka one of my favorite authors everrr aka supreme ruler of angst and pathetic, sniveling men! I must say I've never read angst quite as cutting as yours, blood running cold, jaw hanging open, you know the type. Thanks so much for sharing your creativity and time with us!!! I really mean it.

I've read some of your previous works, but fail safe has managed to hit different, and that's very hard considering hbjimin!!!!!! and 478jk!!!! (Ik I'm echoing a popular sentiment on here, but you deserve your flowers)

I need to confess that when I first started reading fail safe I felt so taken aback by your oc's characterization, to the point I didn't even like her. But halfway through the first part, I had a big, fat epiphany and realized the only reason I felt unsympathetic towards here was because (SHOCKER!) that's my twin lowkey 😭😭 I was like oh....... so this is how it feels like to have a mirror held up to your face 😂🫵

Even though I've always grown up as a pretty responsible, independent kid who had big dreams and a sense of passion I'm currently at a point in my life where I feel very lost and confused and unsatisfied with my life. I have felt that spark of fashion almost totally dampened, and as a result I feel like (some of) the people around me kinda look down on me a little / are very worried about my near future / are very condescending about where I'm at emotionally and existentialist (basically oc and yoongi's dynamic). Making that connection.... hurt and made reading this fic so much more emotional.

This means I have a HUGE VENDETTA AGAINST FS YOONGI FOR TREATING OC LIKE SHIT AND BEING A CONDESCENDING, PEDANTIC ASSHOLE!!!!! He's borderline demonic, talking to her life that throughout her teen hood, no wonder she has such a negative self-image, in spite of working to build herself up. But the issue is that she's working from such a shaky foundation and she hasn't healed one bit 🥺 kinda feel she's self medicating through her work (like yoongi maybe but I don't care about his bum ass). She's in a very unfair position cause she doesn't have anyone in here corner in terms of like her immediate family circle (except for her mom but she can't talk about it with her cause it will break her heart knowing yoongi has always been like that to her 🥺- like seriously what is his issue???? did he flip on oc cause he has unresolved romantic feelings that he couldn't act on cause of 1. age gap and 2. Namjoon). Speaking on Namjoon, WHAT AN ASS!!!! He gave me ptsd to all the times my brothers chose to be insensitive towards me and not stick up for me.

Overall, there are so many mixed feelings. I understand her still having a complex with yoongi cause there's too many unresolved issues and hurt feelings that have been repressed for too long and that just keeps her on a cycle instead of allowing her to fully let go. So I don't judge her for it cause I've been there, done that.

I'm sooo excited for what's to come. I'm looking forward to the mysteries being revealed (my prediction for second lead is mr. kim taehyung himself), gut-wrenching lines courtesy of your lovely brain, and oc development! I'm ready to scream, cry, run around, jump off a cliff, swim in circles ❤️

I apologize in advance for the long ask. Also, star emoji anon, you're a legend lmao

ok first of all thank u second i love yew n third u don’t know how much this means to me!!!! fs yoongi is rlly up there with his predecessors (hbjm and 478jk) and for him to be the superlative of something (derogatory),,, that rlly says something!! i won’t ever get tired of thanking sweet sweet people like you and ur flowers <3 if i could digest them i already would’ve . STOPPPPP U R LITERALLY TWINS !!!! triplets if u count me n quadruplets if u account for all the other anons that had fs resonate w them!!! i feel you So So much bc we r almost exactly the same!!! being ambitious as a child (i’m the youngest if u couldn’t tell… womp womp) without no clear picture of what you want to be, then turning into someone who has no actual passion at all except for the desire to live a good n secure life… whew!!! thank god i only have irl yoongi on my side though and NOT fs yoongi bc that would’ve been really something 😑😑😑 thank u thank yewwww i actually love it whenever people tell me they have mixed feelings bc oh my god yer telling me that i made you think really hard???? THANK U SO SO MUCH AGAIN!!! never apologize for long asks bc i love them a lot and star emoji anon rlly is a legend n i can confirm that!! LOVE YEWWWWWWW

[caffeine-and-melatonin]

✨Bad Batch S1 Finale Pt 1 Spoilers✨

AHHHHHHHHHHHH Y'ALL AHHHHHHHHHH SEND HELP

Let's look at the absolute chaos that was my train of thought during this episode...

- A trap? Right away? No build up? Only stress? Yeah this is gonna hurt my feelings a whole lot isn't it

- Speaking of hurt feelings, Cross looking Hunter square in the face and saying that they would come him makes me wanna cry. Like the fact that Cross is fully aware of gravity of them leaving him behind and the fact very clearly upset him UPSETS ME!!!! I just want him to be safe why is that so much to ask for

-ECHOOOOO!!! Look at him go! being all level headed and further stepping up as a leader! I'm so proud of that sweet boy

-Tech...back at it again...laying down underneath a control panel (how long until the edits come out? Just wanna make sure my schedule is clear)

- Lol something about Gregor hanging out with Cid is VERY funny to me

- Ahhhhhhhhhhh Kamino.....y'all I'm so scared

-Fuck you Rampart

- HOLD UP!!!!! FORESHADOWING??? ARE WE GETTING CROSS BACK??? PLEASE???

- Something about Echo asking where the rest of the fleet is doesn't sit right with me

- Tech's gentle tone while he talks to Omega is just so 🥰

- Serious shout out to the animators!

- Ok hidden elevator tube thing is pretty cool looking

- ECHO CHECKING IN ON OMEGA!!! FEELINGS!!! EMOTIONS!!! AHHHHHH!!!

- Adding to the list of things that hurt my feelings, Omega having to push her trauma aside in order to save her brother....wtf filoni why must you do this

- Me: *sees TK trooper standing in the control room....thinks about Shaak Ti* HOW DARE YOU STAND WHERE SHE STOOD!!!!!!!

- "They don't leave their own behind...most of the time." AHHHH SHIT NO CROSS SAD HECK NO BIG UPSET

- "We didn't have a choice." "And I did?" I AM NOT OK RIGHT NOW I DON'T THINK Y'ALL UNDERSTAND

- Hold up is that why no one ever saw Omega? Because she could only move around via the tube system?

- Wait she was there????? That's why she knew so much about them from the beginning. The poor baby was separated from her brothers.

- Hi AZI!

- Crosshair's sigh before he said it was time to go....BRAIN VERY FULL. Is he gonna? Is he? Y'all?????

- Agh seriously the extra wide shots in this show are just immaculate

- Tech, my love, the last time you said you all were gonna do something he wouldn't expect, Cross was all like "Teehee gotcha bitch"

- BOYS DON'T GO UP THERE!!! FISH IN A BARREL! REPEAT! FISH IN A BARREL!

- REX??? IS REX GONNA POST UP??? PLEASE

- I'm living for Cross with dialogue. The pure sass and sarcasm from that man is just *chef's kiss*

- Omega...sweetie...not the murder bots...the boys are still up there

- "We're loyal to each other." "You weren't loyal to ME."

- The fact that we have gotten more character development for Cross in like 10 mins then we have the whole season is...interesting, but somehow it works. I'm not complaining by any means

- Pls don't shoot the baby

- THE MIRRORS!!! CROSS!!! YOU ARROGANT SOB!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!

- THE WAY I CALLED CROSS BEING ALL LIKE "IF MY BROTHERS WON'T SAVE ME I'LL JUST DO IT MYSELF"

- Direct shot from Omega! Look at her go! Echo must be so proud!

- THE THEME MUSIC WHEN CROSS STARTED HELPING THEM TAKE DOWN THE DROIDS!!!!!

- Hunter....growling....while talking down a murder bot....with only a knife....hmmmmmm

- He didn't get his chip out. There's no way. The Empire would never willing give up having control over him. Why would he say that? I'm not ok with this. That's it! Add that to the list of things that hurt my feelings

- Hunter finally being visibly worried about Cross...thank god we finally got something

- STUN ROUND!!!!! HE'S FINALLY COMING HOME!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

- For crying out loud Hunter, respectfully, just hug the damn child it's not that hard

-"You did the same for me." CALL BACK TO THE RYLOTH EPISODE

- Hunter doing the right thing and not second guessing the decision + Omega looking at him and acknowledging it is fantastic. It's such a brief moment but it's so important

- AND NOW THE THING THAT HURT MY FEELINGS THE MOST: THE DRAMATIC MUSIC AND THE SHOTS OF DIFFERENT PLACES AROUND THE CITY! like it's so beautifully done but also fucking hell they really did just blow that place up

- If Crosshair really did think the Empire cared about him, what's he gonna think when he finds out that they open fired on the city while he was still there?

So normally I do a "final thoughts" section at the end of these things, but I think I'm gonna save that for either after pt 2 or I honestly might just do a season wrap up later, so look for that next week.

But yeah this episode was so well written. A lot of it hurt my feelings, but I'm not mad ya know what I mean? Anyway this is gonna be a long week before pt 2...I'm already stressed out.

(PS thank the maker they announced that season 2 is happening because I don't think I could physically handle them pulling a Rogue One)

[washymylifeaway]

KyouHaba Fanfic recs

Hiya! How much do I love KyouHaba? Yes. This is one of my favorite ships and one of my comfort ships <3 KyouHaba has got some amazing fics, so even if they aren’t really your thing, you should still read this :D Anyway, onto the recs!

As always, pls check WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES for fics before reading (esp since KyouHaba usually deals with darker topics and not all of them tag/warn for it!) and make sure you’re taking care of yourselves (since mental health is key!) Stay healthy loves <3

CP:

Close to the Chest by darkmagicalgirl (T) 61.1k // THIS ONE man anyway I just love the progression of their relationship and the way this fic is written! The way we really go into who Yahaba is really what makes this fic great! Also there's some slightly ~angsty~ IWAOI so look out for that hehe.

Police Dog by surveycorpsjean (E) 34.9k // if you’re super against like any *furry* implications, pass this one LOL. But TBH I don’t like furries, but this one was pretty great (hence why it’s here LOL) and they make me laugh. Also I really like some of the head cannons for Kyoutani in this one and the writing style is super freakin’ good, so it’s definitely worth the read~~~ Pls CHECK TAGS AND WARNINGS cause there are a couple REAL spicy scenes in this one ;)

Team Mom by All_My_Characters_Are_Dead (T) 2.7k // so as I was going through this tag (because that’s what I do LOL), I remembered this fic and I love it. Like yes Yahaba is the fear factor and yes Kyoutani is the DAD. I really like the team dynamics in this one, and the first years make me laugh pls.

Camellias by kiyala (T) 1.9k // I love this fic and when I starting looking for this ship, it was the first one I thought of hehe. I really love magic and their interactions are so cute and the PLANTS ARE DOING THE MOST. Pls read both in the series, cause domestic KyouHaba is best KyouHaba ngl LOL. I love the plants, and if you read the second one, someone tell the trees to stop bullying Yahaba.

Sixth Time’s the Charm by tsumekakusu (T) 2k // ok THIS was SO FREAKING funny, please Yahaba how dumb can you get LOL. The number thing made me facepalm so hard, but the ending was cute and that’s all that matters, right?

Sleep by GangstaCrow (T) 5.5k // the plot twist…. omg…. I had to pause and take a moment of silence for the people suffering because of LL… Poor Kyoutani….. But this is a really funny but cute fic at the same time :D

a little bit funny, this feeling inside by postcanons (G) 5.4k // PLEASE THIS ONE omg crow matchmaker ftw. Like I said, I really love magic and this one is just so freaking funny. Also, very informational curtesy of one Kyoutani Kentarou.

meet me at the fucking pit (and let me hold your hand) by anyadisee (T) 5.4k // IF THE TITLE ISN’T MAKING YOU LAUGH ALREADY WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING????? (JK but am I really?) This was SO funny and it KILLED me,,, like all the conspiracies and how everyone was so seriously invested in it. Yes, CHAOS.

if not, winter by knightswatch (M) 54k // YES THIS FIC. THIS ONE RIGHT HERE. I love the development of their relationship,,, IT’S SO GOOD. Like when our boy Yahaba goes on that really friendly field trip and Kyoutani takes matters into his own hands? UGH YES. And when they visit? CUTE OMG. Yes this fic is it.

Isolated Parts by darkmagicalgirl (T) 3.3k // I love this fic cause old men KyouHaba are funny (fight those refs) and I love the nonlinear plot. It really adds another layer to the fic itself, and slowly unraveling the plot through the different years was SO IUAHFJF. I really loved it and piecing everything together :’)

Magicked by HoneyBeeez (T) 8.4k // CHECK TAGS, I love KyouHaba Hogwarts fics, and this one is SO good! We do love some slightly oblivious Yahaba and fake delinquent Kyoutani LOL. Though there is some violence and homophobia so if that puts you off, steer clear of this fic :)

stardust by InkCaviness (G) 1.4k // like I said, in love with KyouHaba and hogwarts fics, anyway,, this one was so short and sweet! It’s full of fluff, and honestly, if you like KyouHaba, read this entire series cause I really love these KyouHaba works :’)))))

New:

knightswatch // GREAT writer, but most of their KyouHaba works are explicit/mature, so be careful as you go through their works! My fav T one? all you have is your fire by knightswatch (T) 6.4k, but they’ve written some of the best KyouHaba I’ve read (they’re just mostly M)!

kiyala // another amazing writer and their works usually alternate between G and E LOL. But, all of their Gs are amazing, and rn my favorite was between Room To Grow by kiyala (G) 50k or Cost by kiyala (G) 1.1k cause it was either secret doggy relationship or magic LOL. But all of their fics are worth reading, and there’s a large variety of AUs!

snoqualmie // I love this writer, but they don’t have much KyouHaba (enough that I would put them here though LOL) My favorite? Mixed Signals by snoqualmie (T) 7.8k // it’s a really cute fic and I love the hc that Kyoutani has the good family! It has like a semi continuation (I think it’s in the same verse as it), but Jan. 6 features the sisters again! (Also yes for veggie fiend Kyoutani,)

tale as old as time by crossbelladonna (series) 30.2k // AHH this series is fully of such good KyouHaba fic!!!! I really love all of them but my favorite is through open doors by crossbelladonna (T) 4.3k // I love soulmate AUs and salty Yahaba is best Yahaba. Also at the end when the coffee incident happens, I love Kyoutani :’)

Words Not Spoken by Dogsocks (series) 51.5k // this is a continuous fic series (meaning all the fics are in the same verse and related to one another), but it’s so FREAKING good and I love reading it!!! It’s got some mentions of ABUSE, and things like that so please read the tags carefully!!!

kyouhaba week by InkCaviness (series) 6.7k // I loved KyouHaba week (all of them are just such AMAZING fics and tropes) and my favorite from this list was stardust by InkCaviness (G) 1.4k // I mentioned what I loved from it above, but it truly is a great fic :D

Kyouhaba Trash Week 2016 by HoneyBeeez (series) 28.9k // all three of these fics are SO good. I literally cannot choose a favorite because I loved all of them :’) Like no joke, just go read all of them because singing Kyoutani? Yes please. And also like the tattoo one was SO ajksdhfkjshdfjkln I LOVED IT AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE HOSPITAL ONE. I loved loved loved the ending, and her going to the school? UGH ADORABLE. These fics were some of my absolute favorite KyouHaba fics!

Venom and Vulnerability by darkmagicalgirl (E) 48.3k // OAAJKSFNKJ I LOVE THIS ONE YES. The concept? AMAZING. Execution? FLAWLESS. This is a GREAT fic and it’s done SO WELL,,,, I realllllly loved the plot in this and their teamwork is making the dream work! WARNING check the tags and warnings cause there’s smut, (non kinky) bondage, and death!

it's tradition. by hicsvntdracones (T) 5.5k // this fic made me want to die from second hand embarrassment. GOD, the awkwardness and really the way they went HARD on those dares PLEASE. If you don’t mind feeling embarrassed (and even if you do) go read this fic cause it’s V funny and the comedy factor cancels out the embarrassment LOL (does it? That’s what I’m tellin myself LOL).

An Equivalent Exchange by Chibs (E) 14.5k // PLEASE THIS WAS FUNNY,,,, like chill Kyoutani, Yahaba is trying his hardest okay? BUT NOT HARD ENOUGH anyway it’s a happy ending in the long run and no one dies :D how nice is that <3 (but the baby agenda? yessssir.)

The Wall Thing by rideahorse (M) 6.8k // THE TENSION :0,,, but I love how many fics go based on that one KyouHaba wall slam in the middle of the Karasuno match LOL. Also, I love the dynamics they have in this one and the way fighting ~is their communication~ Some smut is here so WARNING and they do something about the tension LOL obviously :))) Constantly curing KyouHaba is good, happy Kyouhaba.

Sixteen by surveycorpsjean (E) 13.4k // Yahaba is a basic btch and Kyoutani does football LOL. Honestly, I think that’s a pretty good summary (jk) but what’s a fic without some good tension ;) Also, cheerleader Yahaba lives in my brain rent free and I would like to propose it live in your head as well :D Aren’t I such a kind soul~

Safe in Your Hands by shions_heart (T) 8.9k // um soft KyouHaba? I think yes,,,, this also do be a common trope in the KyouHaba realm, but I’m not complaining,,,, it’s a good trope :) There IS ABUSE in this fic so big warning here! Check the tags and warnings! But the real mvp is the girl on the bus and points to Yahaba for playing spot the difference unintentionally.

The Sweetest Smile by FindingSchmomo (T) 6.6k // cake making! Yes! Bakery! Yes! It’s a great time and think about it, Kyoutani, our baby, working in a bakery making cakes? UGH my heart :’D Yes Oikawa is right, a cute grumpy puppy making flowers (CUTE VERY CUTE) and it doesn’t help that Kyoutani looks like a total bad boy in this fic too :DDDDDD

wear your love like it's made of hate by parenthetic (renaissance) (T) 3.3k // we are starting this off with the alt title totally worked and I would’ve read it either way LOL. Also, the ending was funny and thinking about why everyone was wearing it would’ve been so confusing to the other teams (also shout out to Yahabas line and Kyoutani calling his eyeliner a whore). But yes to random sexual tension, this is KyouHaba nation.

captain's orders by whitemiists (G) 3.7k // okay we love Watari in KyouHaba nation (surprised I haven’t talked about loving Watari yet but better now than never right?), but also Yahaba being messenger for Kyoutani (baby first years are ajhsajdfh). I love this trope and also I love rooftop lunch crew is yes :D

Running In Place by cleiioo (T) 33.3k // GUYS OMG THIS FIC. CAUTION ABUSE AND RUNNING AWAY AND BAD PARENTS SELF DEPRECATION I COULD GO ON BUT BOTTOM LINE IS BE CAREFUL READ TAGS! This fic is UGHHH YES. First, twenty questions make another appearance, and DUCKS. Yes, ducks. But this fic is just written really well, and honestly Kyoutani might be a tad bit ooc, but it’s okay, you don’t even notice. Distracted by the amazing writing :)

Something About Fate by patteh (T) 4.6k // SOULMATES! And then they were soulmates :D I love a good soulmate denial AU, and this is no exception. I loved Yahana’s backstory in this, and I think it set up a great framework for the plots progression! Also, the ending was really cute (and we all know, I’m a sucker for a cute ending :D)

toeing the line by masi (T) 2.7k // the mcDonalds cause WE’RE LOVING IT! But this was a fun read cause a. it goes pretty fast and b. communication exists? ANyway, I like the ending cause Yahaba is one smooooooth btch! It’s just a lot of banter (playful and not), and I’d read tags jic for this fic :)

bumblebee by shizuoh (T) 1.5k // he got sht on by a bumblebee. Points for creativity Yahaba, points. But this is just a fun, random AU where pepperoni on pizza is a universal aggrievance (esp the infused on cheese kind,,, I feel you Yahaba), we disown furries (for good reason), and you confront people staring at you! This IS a flirting 101 textbook. (also yes Yahaba, murder Mattsun!)

The art of fighting in heels by boxofwonder (T) 8.7k // yeah don’t question this fic. It’s like,,, you just kinda,,,, well,,,,,, I mean who doesn’t want to read about Iwa fighting in heels? Like you’re not thinking about magical guy Iwa? Maybe you should. (the way the summary has nothing to do with KyouHaba, I swear they’re a main component, but no thoughts just Iwa in sailor moon cosplay.)

yahaba vs. the miyagi captains by blessings (T) 3.7k // I love this hc and I wish there was more of it because Yahaba picking fights with everyone is fun and I like the chaos :D Like honestly, the creativity of some of the burns? Just amazing, it filled me with serotonin. I’m not kidding :0 But like, Kyoutani having to make sure that he doesn’t go overboard was askfkahf.

Love the One You Hold by shions_heart (T) 3k // f tough KyouHaba, I’m here for the soft, loving KyouHaba. Like mushy feelings KyouHaba, the kind which makes me feel singler than I already am single. Reassuring of feelings and ajsfdhla KyouHaba. The ending is KYAAA!!! Caution for implied bad parents!

a thousand and one roses by rorarot (T) 3.4k // I love florist Kyoutani and it’s honestly a crime I didn’t recommend more florist Kyoutani fics :( Points for the pun, Yahaba, points. Also, the progression of their relationship was YES, and this fic was SUPER cute :D

It Takes Two by Poteto (G) 24.1k // IT’S COHESIVE KYOUHABA WEEK! I really loved this fic and I enjoyed how they incorporated each prompt into each day! There is homophobia and running away so be careful when reading this fic, and check the tags!

So I Like Your Dog by helloyesIamtrash (G) 4.8k // FIRST, this is within a series of soulmate AU fics (all in the same verse) and SECOND, this was really good! I loved the way Yahaba’s family are a bunch of late bloomers and how YAHABA DIDN’T LET THE MF RUN AWAY. Yes communication, WE LOVE AND STAN.

but tonight i'll need you to stay by InkCaviness (G) 2.2k // the feels were strong with this one :’( Pushing my SOFT KyouHaba agenda. But I LOVE this one for the feels and also because they don’t dance around it. Just straight forward, random a confessions. It’s a great time. But also, I can’t believe he slipped LOL.

Down River Road by carafin (G) 4.4k // I love list fics, I think they’re great and I think I might just have a thing for lists in general (LOL). But also, I love the growth both of them undergo over time and the interactions with Oikawa in KyouHaba fics are always fun :)

I (Heart) You by darkmagicalgirl (T) 3.6k // I really like this fic. Like REALLY like/love. Maybe it’s the ending where Yahaba goes ham on that one guy. Or maybe it’s the magic. I think it’s just cause it’s written spectacularly. But no seriously, it’s a great fic and I really loved the AU :D

Five Times Kyoutani Failed to Say 'I love You' (And One Time He Didn't) by patteh (T) 3k // a 5+1! Yes! TBH I don’t understand the importance of saying ily to your significant others (maybe it’s just because I don’t understand romance very well LOL someone explain it to me), but if it’s important to them, IT’S IMPORTANT TO ME. Also, Kyoutani is dog agenda, full force ahead.

Baby steps (or 'Yahaba's guide to applying eyeliner on a grumpy puppy') by ghostsgf (G) 1.5k // more Yahaba and eyeliner fics! Of course :D If you can’t tell, KyouHaba nation and I really love Kyoutani + eyeliner, so yes. Eyeliner. But also, fractured arms and toilet adventures!

baby don't hurt me by orphan_account (M) 4k // LET ME BEGIN THIS WITH THE A/N AT THE END. YES I AGREEEE. Also SMUT alert but like nothing really happens? And again, while I don’t 100% get the ily thing, this one makes more sense to me and I can see why Yahaba got angry. We love crying boys though ahaha.

Retrograde by dreyars (T) 19.5k // AJFJLSFJLASD ANGST THE ANGST AND I- I love amnesia fics, they have such GREAT angst potential (which was totally used in this fic YES!) and UGH this fic. The feels you go through while reading this but ALSO THE ENDING! YES I LOVE. IN LOVE. THEY’RE IN LOVE YOUR HONOR.

restless by Crawlingthroughashes (T) 2.4k // PLEASE the petty Yahaba agenda is back and the way I ajfhdjkadshlf when he started his plan. BRB CRYING (of laughter ofc). Also the CONFRONTATION. Smooth Yahaba, oh so very mf smoooooth (very much so nailed it). Sugar high trick-or-treater in bunny slippers.

The Time Yahaba gained a boyfriend by sammysosa157 (T) 3.8k // PLEASE I saw the post for this fic and it was SO funny! I really loved this prompt, and the execution of it was done really well. Boo for weird food combinations, though ig if you’re in college and you’re broke, you gotta do what you gotta do :/

wanna give you a kiss by Slumber (T) 2.8k // kith give kithes muah muah (omg I’m so sorry you had to read that no regrets tho ahaha only shame). But this fic is SO cute and boyfriend chicken is fun :D Like the fluff in this fics is just so AJKKJAF and like Watari knows best.

Touch by tetskuroo (T) 2.4k // aihdjk PLEASE. This is SOFT! KYOUTANI! and non a hole but pushy! YAHABA! There is HUGGING cause WHY NOT! But the soft Kyoutani agenda is getting pushed hard today LOL. I mean the mans starts to turns the waters works ons. What more could you possibly need? (other than a cuddle session cause why tf not >:( and me to write normally LOL)

what the night does to the day by deathbyglamour (G) 9.9k // AHH HOGWARTS! I realized I forgot to add this fic to the Hogwarts list and I was so angry at myself. The potion version of our get along shirt :) I loved this fic and their relationship development was lovely :DDDD

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back by Asimi_Shadowborn (T) 30.6k // I love magic AUs and this was ahdjsjjfjs. The trope was amazing, the execution was flawless, and the communication? Nearly nonexistent just how we like it :’) it’s a great read and you’ll regret nothing.

Baby, I bought a dragon by tetsuskitten (T) 1.1k // AJKSFHKJ WITCHES. I love them being witches/warlocks cause IT’S AN AMAZING TROPE DUH. But like the dragon made me laugh, the conman Kuroo is KJAFN. But yes, THERE’S ANOTHER FIC AND IT’S AJSHKJASF YES READ <33333 (why didn’t I just put it as a series, cause I forgot and then I got lazy, leave me be.)

Thorne-blessed by fish_wifey (T) 19.4k // (again, another that HAS ANOTHER FIC but then I was too lazy to transport it up to the series section deal with it.) But THIS YES. First tattoo artist Kyoutani is a sight to see. But also, Yahaba is baby. And like the ending of how it all got resolved was so satisfying and the conflict execution was really creative :D CAUTION FOR THIS ONE, some bullying and violence-ish!

what a wonderful kind of day by qingting (G) 1.2k // PLEASE. I love it when Kyoutani talks to animals, it fills me with joy. But also, ofc points to Yahaba for the new nickname, dog whisperer. Cute and I like it more than Mad Dog chan. Also, Kyoutani’s thoughts on Yahaba were funny and are worth the read LOL. I like pats too, Shiromaru.

what becomes of broken hearts by plumtrees (T) 8.1k // OOOOF some angst right here. Like I’m in paiiiiiiin. But you should read it so we can be in pain together :’D Like the way we had to witness the falling out AND the break up to be happy again. UGH. Just don’t think too much and jump in.

we both know what we know by Slumber (E) 4.7k // UHH EXPLICIT FOR A REASON LIKE WITHIN THE FIRST SECTION I THINK BUT THEN IT CONTINUES AHHAHA. But also, riling Kyoutani up and just teasing him in general? Fun times (at least Yahaba thinks so LOL). But like also, random thought but the comments on the (fake) IwaOi divorce made me laugh LOL.

new constellations by thealmostviki (G) 4.3k // reincarnation AU, but it’s like non linearish! It’s really good and the writing is very eloquent :D I really loved this fic and the ending was UGH adorable! I love references and the way they still feel things in the next lives :’) Milk and honey guys, milk and HONEY.

FINALLY DONE. WHEW. I hope you all enjoyed these fics, and ik my commentary got/was super bad but pls just pretend like you’re not seeing it. I swear once upon a time it was informational but now it’s just me writing random sht down LOL. Again, I love KyouHaba so this honestly was a lot of fun to make (even if I kept complaining about it) and I ended up not splitting the list hence why it’s so long! I hope I made all of you into KyouHaba lovers cause it’s one of my favorite ships :D

[princekirijo]

BRO, YUKARI. 👀👀

OK HERE WE GO STRAP IN FOLKS IT'S YUKARI TIME! Also a lot of this is kinda salty? I guess? So just a fair warning I just have strong opinions on Yukari 😔

Ok so Yukari. I love her so so much she's one of my favorite characters in the series and one of my trio of comfort characters (the other two being Akihiko and Mitsuru). She's such an interesting and complex character that gets heavily misinterpreted by a lot of the fandom (*cough* cishet men *cough*).

Like ok first off people say that she's mean but while she can be very rude and one of her big flaws is that she doesn't consider others' feelings she's not entirely a bitch either? I think the best example of this that not many people I've seen talk about is how she's the only character who objects to the protagonist and Fuuka joining immediately and wants to make sure they're not being forced into joining. While ultimately both of those characters join of their own accord, Yukari asks them multiple times if they're ok with joining, something the others never do (Mitsuru is guilty of being quite insistent on them joining but that's a discussion for another time). She also feels incredibly guilty for spying on the protagonist at the start, pointing out multiple times that it is a violation of their privacy. Both of these show that she genuinely cares about other people. Pictures are from you lol <3

On that subject when Ken joins Yukari is actually the nicest to him out of all of them, often making sure that he feels welcome and making an effort to talk to him. I think the only other character that does that (if my memory serves me right) is Fuuka. In her social link too she helps out that little kid that was crying in the middle of Paulownia Mall, staying with them until she found their parents or that they were safe. And even in Ultimax her relationship with Ken is just so cute she's so nice to him, she really is like his big sister. So to say that she's just mean and just a bitch is wrong because there's plenty of examples of her being a very nice person.

And actually a lot of people hate her because of how 'easy' her social link is to reverse (I've seen people on YouTube mention this a few times so I thought I'd talk about it). I think it's either rank 5 or 6 there's a scene where Yukari loses her purse and goes back to get it. You find her surrounded by a bunch of guys who are threatening her and are very close to hurting her. The protagonist steps in to stop them and then chases them off. Now I think it's only in the male route this happens (again my memory is bad so sorry about that 😞) but she gets annoyed at you for helping her and then you're given a few options. The correct one is to leave her alone (or something like that) but the one that most people go for which reverses the Social Link is the option to hug her. And people (male youtubers *AHEM*) get annoyed about this because oh yeah of course in this scenario hugging Yukari is a great option and why the hell would she get angry and reject them like that. Like jeez I don't know definitely not the fact that she's very clearly shaken up by the fact that she was almost attacked by three men (who could have done god knows what to her if we hadn't intervened). And definitely not because she's said lots of times that she doesn't like to rely on anyone (particular men) given the whole situation with her mother. The other thing is that I don't think it's outright stated but I really wouldn't be surprised if Yukari was super touch averse given the situation with her mother throwing herself at random men all the time. And (as we discovered lol) there's a very high possibility that her mother was an alcoholic because of this she says in the answer after Junpei's past where he talks about his alcoholic dad:

So like if her mother was an alcoholic there is a high chance she could have suffered some form of abuse which would lead her to being very anti touch. So it really drives me mad when people get annoyed about her Social Link being so easy to break because if you think for a second before doing anything, you'll realize it makes sense that she wouldn't want to be hugged.

But that's enough salt, I love Yukari for a lot of different reasons but the main one is (predictably given that it's me) her relationship with Mitsuru. Regardless of how you want to view it, they are so important and integral to each other's character development. From the tension between them at the start of the game to the end where they're so close, it's honestly one of the best relationships in the game in my opinion. You can really see how much they grow to care for each other. Yukari is the only character brave enough to call Mitsuru out for her bullshit and you can see how Mitsuru grows to appreciate that (because as much as I love Mitsuru, Yukari is absolutely valid to call her out for some of the stuff she does and she needs Yukari to do that). Yukari also ends up being the catalyst to Mitsuru's ultimate persona awakening. At the start of the game too, we're made to believe that both of them are very different. But as the game progresses we're shown that they're actually quite similar. Something I love that the movie does is this scene here (again thank you for pointing this out to me):

The way Yukari finishes Mitsuru's sentence so to speak shows that they actually have pretty similar reasons to awakening to their powers (Mitsuru in order to protect her father and Yukari to protect her father's memory and find out the truth about what happened to him). Yukari also helps Mitsuru open up to others (she's the only other person aside from Akihiko that Mitsuru calls by their first name) and Mitsuru helps Yukari (in a way I can't explain because my brain is failing me) to not judge people as much. They're so important to each other and their character development is so interlinked I just love it so much and it's a big reason as to why I love both of them.

And my other reason as to why I love Yukari is that she's allowed to express her anger in a way that isn't fake or cute (I honestly can't think of another female character who is allowed to do this but I'm sure there's other examples). The best example of this is of course the Answer which I've spoken about before so I'll do my best to keep it brief. I think Yukari's anger in the Answer is a very real response to grief. She's upset over the loss of the protagonist (whom she's heavily implied to have feelings for but I don't think it's outright stated) and she's jealous of Aigis because she inherited his power. She wants to save him so badly because she really cared for him so now that she has a chance and the others are stopping her (in her eyes) she feels betrayed so of course she's going to lash out. Now I fully acknowledge that what she was doing was wrong and she is acting very rude but as I said it's her way of dealing with grief. Something P3 does very well is show how different characters react to grief (eg Mitsuru closing off even more from the others, Akihiko deciding to take it in his stride, Ken having a similar reaction etc). And Yukari's way is no expectation and it's not bad because there's no bad or wrong way to deal with grief. Something people forget as well is that she acknowledges and apologies to the group after the Erebus fight for her behavior and she explains herself (another example of how she is actually a nice person and not a total bitch). I just really related to how she dealt with the whole thing and I love her for that. I also think that some of the other characters in the series (Ann mainly) should have been allowed to express their anger in a more... Real way? Ugly way? I'm not sure how to describe it but I would have liked to see them get angry in a way that wasn't cute (somebody pointed out that the negative reaction to Yukari's anger is probably what stopped future female characters from doing just this and it was an excellent point).

OK so this was super rambling and if you got to the end then wow thank you. I just really love Yukari and it makes me upset how a lot of fans treat her, either as a typical oh this is my persona waifu uwu or she's such a bitch I hate her with no thought process. I honestly understand why some people don't like her but I just ask that people think about how she reacts to certain things and why she acts the way she does before just essentially watering her down to a bitch with daddy issues. She's my emotional support bisexual and I adore how she interacts with the other cast (especially Mitsuru).

[ilikemesometaetaes]

OH MY GOD BABY KISSES OF GRAPHITE IS SO GOOD I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN THE FEELINGS I HAVE RIGHT NOW PLEASE YOU ARE SO TALENTED

the concept of this fic is so unique 😭 sexy brain I guess - I’m obsessed with how you characterised MC in this and how she slowly develops with each feature - I can’t lie when I read the blurb I didn’t expect this. Now I am frustrated I didn’t read this masterpiece earlier. Again i cannot begin to explain how beautiful this piece of work is- literally every part is a work of art I’m so proud of you for this! I like how she kind of reflects you too especially with the not liking kids and liking thunderstorms haha x

No but the way the MC was made as a reflection of JK throughout this - truly meant to be 😭 like even when she gives up when she fully acknowledges he has too but not on her but given up on himself BUT BECAUSE SHE GIVES UP TOO BECAUSE SHE LIVES FOR HIM (and because of him) so poetic oh my.

and apologies if this is not the right place to say it but PONYTAIL JK HE CAN RIP ME APART TO SHREDS AND THE PIERCING - YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST PUT THAT IN THERE AND I’LL BE OK??

AND HOSEOK ‘don’t worry love’ CALL ME LOVE AND I WILL FALL IN LOVE PLEASE THIS MAN IS GOING TO MAKE ME DELUSIONAL 🤭♥️

AND THEN WHEN JK HAD THE AUDACITY TO THINK HE IS NOT LOVABLE OH - it made it even worse when he kind of reflects the jk we see irl with him liking JB and just generally being good at art and everything. That is another thing I love about your writing: how you incorporate these little characterisations into your characters - it just makes it so much more enjoyable to read. BUT THE ANGST IN THIS OH DEAR MY LITTLE HEART CANNOT TAKE IT - it’s so well written especially from the point of jk where he continues to stay in his state of emptiness even after all these years - it just goes to show the power of one’s mind and being helpless and trapped within the confines of your own mind!

And MC too when she fades into nothingness - it kind of felt like she gave up on herself and she also became trapped within her mind- like it truly clicked that she could not do anything for him whilst inside the paper (again this concept is so wild and you have just written something so beautiful)

OH AND WHEN SHE CALLED HIM ‘MY ARTIST’ LIKE NOT EVEN AS HER CREATOR BUT HER OWN MANSSS HER OWN LITTLE ARTIST JK OH MY GOD IM CRYING ACTUAL TEARS I LOVE THIS PAIR SO MUCH I WILL START FIGHTING FOR THEM PLEASE

oh and the smut 👀 absolute perfection. no words. empty mouth (sadly) (jk) (unless...). you never disappoint with this and I can’t lie I do look forward to whenever you write smutty fics ahaha whoops

BUT OVERALL THIS IS A WORK OF ART AND IF I COULD RELIVE THE FEELING THAT THIS GAVE ME WHILST READING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN I WOULD SO LOVE TOO. THE ANGST WAS BEAUTIFUL BUT THE BUILD UP WAS IMMACULATE. THEY BOTH ARE SO PERFECT INDIVIDUALLY AND FOR EACH OTHER AND I CRY FOR JK (oh my and how he has teary eyes like I can just imagine his wide eyes just glistening noooo 😭😭😭) BUT YES THIS IS PERECT THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS AND THIS CONCEPT IS JUST OUT OF THIS WORLD. SUCH A GOOD AUTHOR AND I HOPE YOU PRAISE YOURSELF FOR WRITING THIS (and if you ever get the time I would love to hear your through process or inspo behind this?!).

I LOVE YOU.

I hope you’re looking after yourself tho lovely ♥️♥️

Stay safe cutie xx

HI THERE LOVE! I’M SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT! I was really worried about how this story would settle with my readers, but I’m glad that it’s been received well!

I came up with this idea after watching the music video for Take On Me by aha lol. I watched it for the thousandth time and wondered… hmmm… what was so special about the drawing that it came to life?… and what would happen if the drawing wasn’t able to contact the viewer nor move? (Obviously, because I love angst) What would happen then?

Thus, the idea of KOG was born.

Yes, ponytail Jeon fucking Jungkook can tear people apart… @ressjeon… fuck off.

But yes, the idea of Kook being her artist was always an idea of mine that I wanted to incorporate ever since I started relating Jungkook with Titanic. “Paint me like one of Your French girls.” That type of thing, you know? I wanted to find some way to make it happen without making it too close to Theophany.

To be honest with you, a lot of my smut is inspired by real events… hehe… 😈😏 Ya girl gets some action once in a while.

I hope that KOG is a piece you can read over and over again… I try to make stories that give you a different interpretation every time you read so that they may never get old. One can only wish to achieve that level of artistry.

I can go into more detail about my writing process if you wish, as I do with all of my stories, but I always listen to a certain song when I write my stories. It’s how I make my stories- by envisioning a music video to the songs with our Korean men as the stars with OC.

I hope to hear from you soon, anon. As always, much love! 🖤

[asthmaticbee]

Ok guys since my brain ain't shutting up I decided to just word vomit any and all Ishvalan Veteran Edward AU scenes that come to mind into a doc so I can eventually come back to it and edit the motherfucker.

Again, this won't receive actual serious work until I have finished other fics and my thesis and I actually have, you know, the time and brain power to plan and write this properly.

That does not, however, mean I won't randomly send snippets out into the tumblr void to make you all suffer alongside my dumb ass.

(that's like half the motivation for writing PTSD war veteran Ed in the first place, the other is that my mid-20s ass has developed an obsession with writing about war and PTSD for some godforsaken reason)

So, have fun, I guess?

Disclaimer: these snippets might get edited or scrapped when this undergoes its final writing process. You may also go and go crazy with the AU idea to your heart's contend. I mean it. Go nuts.

Part 1 for the curious

--

Alphonse doesn’t say goodbye.

“I can’t believe him,” Winry’s voice is small as she walks him to the train station, the streets deserted as they have been for months. Most people in Resembool had been evacuated long ago.

Edward stays quiet, eyes far away. The blue uniform is stiff, new and never worn. It feels more like a collar than the silver watch ever did, and weighs more than his metal limbs ever could.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?!”

He stops midstep, eyes wide and aware for the first time since the summons. “Winry, what-,”

Tears run down her cheeks as she glares at him. “First they take my parents and now-,” she hiccups, and her voice breaks. “Now they make you-, Ed, this isn’t right.”

In the distance military personnel shouts orders, preparing the train that will carry him away to a desert covered in blood and ash. There is a chance he’ll return in a casket, and this truth has been hanging over them like a fog for the past weeks.

“Ed, I-,” she’s cut off by his arms wrapped tight around her, and her hands come up to clutch the back of his new black coat. The fabric barely gives under her fingers, crisp and unforgiving like a shroud. Edward feels distant like a ghost rather than solid against her, and it is as if he’d already died.

“I’m sorry, Winry.” It’s not what she wants or needs to hear, but Edward won’t make his last words a lie.

“Don’t go.”

Her plea is useless, and they both know it. When he pulls away from her his eyes are alive for once. “I really am sorry, Winry. That’s not why I asked you for an arm and a leg to stand on,” he goes for teasing, and he almost seems like his old self in that moment. Then he swallows, and his face closes off, his eyes like golden disks. There is a distance between them, then, civilian and soldier.

Winry doesn’t think that distance will ever disappear again.

She looks at him, decked out in military blue and death black. There is the briefest flash of two holstered guns underneath his jacket as he bends to pick up his suitcase again. The four golden stripes and singular star marking his rank are covered by his coat but she knows they are there. A fifteen-years-old Major; she thinks it sounds like a bad joke but she must have missed the pointe.

Their eyes meet again as he straightens back up, and he hesitates briefly. He moves the suitcase to his left and shifts, then holds out his right. When Winry looks down she sees the silver of his pocketwatch shining in the morning light.

She meets his gaze again, and there is a wry smile barely visible on his face. “Keep it safe for me, will you?”

It’s the closest he dares to promise his return, and she swallows thickly, wiping at her eyes. Winry nods once, taking the watch with a white-knuckled grip.

“You better take this useless hunk of metal back, you alchemy freak.”

“As if I’d let you keep it forever, you automail fanatic.”

Edward takes one last deep breath and straightens fully. Winry wonders if he’d always been this tall or if it’s just the way he seems to have aged years in the span of mere weeks, before he’d even been deployed.

His gold eyes are hard, and he sets his jaw. “Goodbye.”

Winry can’t bring herself to say it back, just nods and tries to keep her tears at bay long enough to see him off.

The last she sees of him before he boards the train is his retreating back.

As the train departs, she weeps.

[somedew-fictions]

ok so for the apology thing, can i have 1 w/ sebastian and a s/o who’s apologizing to him bc they keep avoiding him after being friends for like a whole year and it’s bc they’re terrified of losing him bc surprise they’re in love and that’s Scary As Shit for them preferably ends in something nice but angst for the most of it, and just. gn s/o pls n thank u 🥺

This kind of took a life of its own, so I’m sorry for that, personally. I tried to make it short so the imagery isn’t fully developed but I found this a lot of fun to write and I may just revisit this one day to make it more coherent. Please enjoy :D

#1: "I'm Sorry."

Sebastian always smells like smoke. The farmer used to hate it, but now? Now the scent has meaning, symbolizing something that was greater than themselves that they desperately wanted to smolder.

He was sitting directly beside them, their thighs touching as the two of them gaze across the ocean's vastness, their legs hanging over the edge of the pier. The farmer could feel their blood rushing through their veins, hear their heart beating in their ears, see the silent shroud around them, taste the dryness of their mouths, and smell the smoke on Sebastian's clothes. Yet their nose didn't wrinkle up the way it always did when they focused on his scent, but instead it seemed to lower the intensity of all their other senses, calming their nerves and bringing a strange sense of comfort to them.

What was going on?

"Hey," Sebastian's head turns to face the farmer, his smile faint. "I was thinking."

The farmer's eyes flutter closed, listening to his words but unable to turn their gaze towards him. If they couldn't see him, maybe his words wouldn't be real.

"You've been living here for quite some time now and..." the farmer can barely hear his clothes rustle as he lifts his arm and reaches out his hand towards the farmer's face. One of his knuckles brushes the farmer's cheek, but they can barely feel it. They feel desensitized, trying not to focus on him, but with every breath they take all they can smell is smoke. It smells so intense, wafting from his clothes and invading their nostrils, refusing to go away as all their other senses fade away.

"I think we have grown a lot closer..." Sebastian is practically talking in their ear but the farmer can barely hear him. They try to block him out, their mouth falling slightly agape, trying to focus on breathing through their mouth instead of there nose, but his scent perseveres, ingrained into their memory and wrapping around their wrists to sink into their skin and tickle their brain.

"And I..." Sebastian's voice fully fades away and the farmer forces their eyes open. Everything appears blurry, the colors smeared together into incomprehensible reminisces of the real world. The farmer swallows hard, turning their face towards Sebastian. Everything looks so much darker now- scarier as everything melts away into chaos yet the smell of smoke refuses to dissipate. It remains, tangling around them and forcing them to appear calm-

The farmer opens their eyes, bright sunlight filtering in as they remember where they are. They are currently kneeling in the fields of their farm West of their house, fertilizing their seeds to ensure a good harvest later in the season.

They take a deep breath to steady their shaking hands, the scent of smoke missing from their environment. The farmer hasn't seen Sebastian in over a week after that night on the pier, and they can't stop thinking about it- how they wanted to panic but they couldn't. How the harder they tried to shut him out and pull away from what was happening, the more they were thrown into it.

The farmer shakes their head and stands back up, deciding it was time to change their point of focus to keep their mind from wandering.

The farmer spends the rest of the day on simple tasks, changing their focus whenever their mind began to lose focus. They were panicking, trying their very best to take what kept arising in their thoughts and bury it. They didn't want to acknowledge what they were feeling, and they certainly didn't want to let anyone else figure it out.

By nightfall the farmer assumes it is safe to leave their property and head into town. Being inside their house wasn't ideal, and being in town during the day time wasn’t either. People ask questions, and certain objects carry memories, so the farmer wanted to do their best to avoid both settings. 

The farmer stops in the middle of the dirt road, spotting the bus stop in the distance. Something wasn’t right- but it isn’t until a certain scent wafts into their nostrils do they realize what it is.

“I was worried about you,” Sebastian’s voice calls out from the darkness, his silhouette coming out from the bus stop’s general direction as he steps into the road. “Is the farm work holding you up?”

The farmer feels through throat tighten, watching as Sebastian casually wanders over to them. He is wearing the same black hoodie he always wears and they spot him shoving a carton of cigarettes in his hands into his pocket, hiding them away out of sight.

The farmer wished everything was that easy; to simply take something and hide it away like it wasn’t there. They were trying to take Sebastian and hide him away in the depths of their brain but he just kept forcing his way to the front, his smile radiating in their mind and his scent torturing them even when he wasn’t around.

“We left on a strange note last week on the pier...” Sebastian admits, his voice fading away from the farmer’s ears despite him drawing closer, stopping in front of them. “When you didn’t reply to my texts that night I just thought you needed space but I...”

The farmer can no longer hear the words he is saying, their eyes meeting his but his face washes away like diffusing water colors. They try to act like they are paying attention, their fists clenched together at their sides as they try to wring out their emotions from their body without him noticing.

Sebastian was being so sweet, couldn’t the farmer see that? He was taking the leap the farmer was too scared to take, but didn’t he understand how hard the fall could be if he doesn’t make it? How there is no possible recovery from such a fall like that? Couldn’t he just sit back in his room as if the farmer had never existed and continue with his life- was risking their friendship worth it?

The smell of smoke swirled around the farmer’s feet before inching upward towards their face. Sweat began to form on the farmer’s face as they tried to ignore it, but the scent just poured into their pores, forcing them to acknowledge what was right in front of them. 

The farmer lets out a heavy breath and their eyes flutter closed. They then slowly inhale through their nose, allowing the smell of cigarette smoke send a shiver through their body. Their fists fall open into a more relaxed state, the sound of Sebastian’s voice slowly tuning back in. They lean forward towards him, their arms opening up wide. They would have fallen forward if Sebastian didn’t step forward to close the gap between them, engulfing them into a hug before they can tip over.

The farmer nuzzles their face into his hoodie, the scent it is stained with soothing their thoughts. They could only think of one thing, and a soft smile covers their face against his hoodie that falters into a deep frown, a soft sob escaping their lips.

“I’m sorry,” they whisper against his chest, returning his hug with a tight squeeze. “I thought I could close you out and I just...”

“It’s okay,” Sebastian assures them, the smile being heard in his voice. “I just missed you.”

“I missed you too,” the farmer nods and Sebastian hugs them tighter, letting the silence sink comfortably in.

The farmer couldn’t deny their feelings anymore, and maybe that leap Sebastian made wasn’t so scary after all if the person on the other side is willing to pull you up if you fall short.

[velkynkarma]

So I’m suuuper late to the party, but I finally, finally finished Rhythm of War. 

I am delighted by it. Thoughts and reactions under the cut, just in case for spoilers.

OKAY SO I had a lot of feelings about this book, and I wanted to be able to sit down and read the book properly and devote time to it, instead of sneaking paragraphs here or there during work breaks. So that’s why it took me so long to read it. In a way I feel like a terrible fan for taking so long when I was so excited about reading it for over a year, but in another way I am satisfied that I did it justice.

General thoughts/reactions:

I am legitimately impressed with how well Sanderson handled Shallan’s Dissociative Identity Disorder. DID is one of those mental illnesses that gets butchered so hard in media, and carries such a stigma of being “evil” or “creepy.” But Shallan’s representation seems much more factual in terms of how we know DID works today, including but not limited to:

Created from a severe trauma at a very young age, in which the brain starts splitting itself in order to protect against traumas and form survival mechanisms

Alters exist to protect the system and handle tasks for the host that the host cannot handle. Both Veil and Radiant handle tasks/functions that Shallan can’t

Also establishing that different alters can have different skills (such as Shallan being good at drawing and Lightweaving while Veil is bad at it, or Radiant handling espionage poorly)

Establishing that actual DID treatments do include encouraging alters to learn to work together and establish communication lines between each other. I like that the three create a pact to work together and rules to stand by and enforce them on each other to the best of their ability. They mess up sometimes (Radiant killing Ialai, Veil forcibly taking over sometimes). But they try. 

But also establishing that prior to Shallan’s realization of what was happening at the end of Oathbringer, each of these alters had their own memories and ways of handling things and did not necessarily communicate with each other

Establishing that multiple times in prior books when Shallan thought she was ‘acting’ she was actually Blending with another identity, either Veil or Radiant. This becomes more apparent when Veil or Radiant actively discuss being the ones to do things that were previously from “Shallan’s” perspective (such as Veil learning slight of hand/etc at the beginning of Words of Radiance). This stuck out to me as especially interesting since accounts of people with DID often mention not knowing they have it or are switching for years, but being semi-aware of doing things differently than normal. 

Veil being a protector-type alter and a trauma holder is extraordinarily common in DID cases and made an absolute ton of sense. It also suggests that she’s been around for YEARS longer than before Shallan ‘created’ her which, again, is not uncommon with DID cases

Veil, at least, also acts like she’s much older than Shallan, even calling her things like ‘kid.’ While Veil is, of course, no older than Shallan, this is completely accurate that alters can have different ages and even different genders to the host body in terms of how they perceive themselves

Establishing that fusions/integrations are possible, with Veil being ‘absorbed’ by Shallan at the end. This is a part of DID treatment and I like that it was handled in a way where both alters consented and the trauma was released, but it was handled. Even if Veil developed additional skills over time, it’s clear her first and foremost job was as a trauma holder alter, and once the trauma was no longer being hidden, her ‘purpose’ was done. And now Veil is a part of Shallan, and the expectation is that somewhere down the line, Radiant will join too.

Very very VERY VERY importantly, establishing Shallan’s interaction with other characters as a system with DID in a way that did not make her look like she was ‘crazy.’ DID is super serious and systems are often stigmatized. But I adored that Adolin is supportive and treats each alter on their own playing field (and even seems to be able to recognize them without Shallan changing hair color). I love that other characters like Kaladin admit they don’t exactly get it, but do their best to be respectful of it anyway. I love that nobody treats Shallan like a freak and sticks her in a padded room, and that people DO respect her wishes and treat Veil and Radiant as equally viable people. I love that it’s treated so healthily. 

Honestly my only real ‘hmm, not exactly like that’ moments were thinking back on how Shallan ‘created’ personalities. Veil being a trauma holder for Shallan’s old memories implies she’s been around for a long time, so she wasn’t really “created” in that sense, just given more of a face/name. But Radiant appears to have been created spur of the moment when Adolin was all ‘hey, let me teach you to swordfight!!!’ To the best of my knowledge people with DID don’t really have control over when they split, nor do they really get to actively ‘design’ their alters. It’s more like alters form as needed to handle something. But considering how accurate everything else is, and that possibly this is just Shallan’s way of handling her splitting in a way that makes sense to her, I’m willing to give this a cautious pass.

Also maybe lost memory moments. People with DID generally can lose time. Shallan doesn’t seem to, but then towards the end we also see she’s not a reliable narrator in her own right, since somehow Radiant managed to kill Ialai when we’re reading that passage. So it’s possible we the readers are missing things because Shallan is, too.

That said, the way DID works, it will never really go away even if Shallan does fully integrate. I’m curious if more alters could form down the line. I thought this had been happening with ‘Formless,’ but Formless didn’t turn out to be another alter so much. Oh well.

I had wondered about Shallan and Pattern’s bond for a while, and I’d been wondering if maybe she had a different spren ever since Pattern mentioned he could go away or she might kill him too back in...Oathbringer, I think it was? It seemed strange to me that Shallan wouldn’t have seen him around for a long time in his pattern form, or that she’d get chased by so many cryptics in book 1, if she’d been bonded to him this whole time. Or that she had a shardblade she could summon in book 1, but Pattern hadn’t been established as a character yet. And then when Adolin met a deadeye Cryptic in Shadesmar, I was like, ‘damn, that’s Shallan’s first spren isn’t it.’ And I was vindicated. I feel stupidly proud of myself for catching even one of Sanderson’s twists.

I think this is the first book in the series where Kaladin’s arc didn’t really grab me as much as the others to start. Not that it was bad, I still really enjoyed it, especially towards the end. But I was surprised to find when I got to Part Three and Kaladin’s name was listed but Adolin’s wasn’t that I went, ‘awww, damn,’ and used that as my break point for the night. 

I think part of this is that so much of Kaladin’s story that I love and adore is about not just Kaladin, but Kaladin’s friends and found family arcs with Bridge Four, and so much of that was taken away from him in the early part of the story. Like Kaladin, I guess I was just sad about everyone moving on and him being along. Sigzil going off to be the new Windrunner leader, Rock leaving, Rlain leaving (for a while at least), Adolin and Shallan leaving...it was hard. I felt his depression. Unfortunately, it made it a bit difficult to read, I guess.

On the flip side though, Kaladin’s ending arc in the story was A+ and I loved it. I love that his Fourth Ideal is specifically accepting that he cannot save everyone, which is something he’s struggled with from his very first appearance in the very first book. I love how this sheds so much light on that moment in Oathbringer where Syl is calling for him to speak the words and he just can’t, because at the time, he wasn’t ready to accept that he couldn’t save everyone. I love that he admits to Dalinar that he really did need help and a chance to recover, and that his setup for the next book doesn’t seem to be as Stormblessed, the soldier, but as a healer. And I love that he made up with his dad in the end, and did manage to at least save him.

ROCK. NOOOO.

TEFT. NOOOOOO! 

And yet as always, Sanderson books are the only books where I really feel...ok with character death. It’s sad, for sure, but also deaths have purpose in his stories. Nobody is killed meaninglessly. 

I think my favorite arc was Adolin’s, throughout the whole course of the book? I can’t help it. I love my enthusiastic, optimistic himbo who is just doing his best. Every time he was like ‘well I’m useless since I’m not a Radiant, but I’ll do the best I can’ I was like NO, HONEY NO, YOU’RE SO IMPORTANT, DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE REALLY? Look at all the people you help!!! Just look at them all!!! 

As stated earlier, I love that he’s just so damned supportive of Shallan’s condition. Even if they don’t have words for ‘DID’ in Roshar or even understand it in their own terms, he’s just so damn supportive. She tells him she’s got multiple alters and he’s just like ‘cool, how can I help.’ He loves his wife. He’s friendly with Radiant. He’ll share jabs with Veil. He just wants to help, always. 

I love that he’s so supportive of Kaladin too. I adored towards the beginning, where Kaladin’s going into a depressive spiral, and Syl gets Adolin because Adolin is one of the few people he can’t intimidate. And I adore that Adolin is supportive, but in a way that shows he gets it. He knows it’s not safe to leave Kaladin alone with himself and refuses to let that happen. But he also doesn’t force him to participate and acknowledges that yeah, you can feel like shit, and that’s ok, but you’re gonna feel like shit around other people, because it’ll help you. And it does. And I love that a thousand pages later Kaladin starts going into another depressive spiral and happens to mention, ‘fuck, Adolin’s not here to pull me out this time,’ recognizing what Adolin can do. I just love how much their friendship has progressed.

I love that he’s still so supportive of his brother, even if Renarin was barely in this book. I love that he even briefly defends Renarin against Shallan, even when he recognizes she doesn’t really mean any harm. 

I adore his continued arc with Maya. I love that he was so excited to go to Shadesmar so he could see her again. I love how he’s clearly had offers from spren or other Radiants to talk to spren about bonding to him, and he’s like, ‘nah,’ cause he’s loyal to her. I love how everyone keeps insisting ‘deadeyes can’t speak, deadeyes can’t feel’ and he’s just like, yes?? Yes they can??? Have you ever fucking tried??? I love that it’s his genuine connection to Maya that helps her recover enough to actually talk on her own with more clarity, and how she’s clearly coming back to herself. And what a revelation, that Maya and the others deliberately sacrificed themselves. And I love that ultimately it’s his bond with Maya that gives him success with the honorspren. He did this his own way, with his own skills, in a unique way that nobody else has ever done before, because maybe he’s not a Radiant in the shiny new sense of the word, but he’s the only person out there willing to treat his sword like a partner and show kindness to spren and that shows. 

I also really do hope he works stuff out with his dad because he’s got every right to be angry but also, I want him to be happy :( 

Ultimately I adore Adolin’s whole polarity, that he’s a masterful duelist and combatant, and has probably killed hundreds, and yet his best quality is his sheer kindness. He has really grown on me as a character since book one, honestly. I remember not liking him in book one. I still don’t, when I reread it! But in the rest, he’s probably second only to Kaladin as my favorite.

Venli. I remember not really liking Venli in earlier books. I thought Eshonai was cool, but Venli I remember just not really vibing with. Seeing her story really made her a lot more interesting to me though, especially since I love her whole gradual growth as a character. Openly admitting to herself that she’s a coward and just wanted to get attention against her sister...and then doing something about it to better herself. Doubting her abilities to do so and being uneasy about it the whole time, but ultimately doing it anyway. She’s a flawed character, but she’s a good character, and I grew to like her so much more after seeing her story. 

Also, I loved Eshonai’s mercy at the end there. Fuckin yes. Bittersweet smiles all around.

Szeth-son-son-Vallano wore white on the day he was to kill a king, because apparently white is the listener battle color, it makes SENSE now

I am also veeery curious what is going on with Szeth, who wasn’t really in this book all that much. And I’m curious if ‘Sixteen’ in Lasting Integrity is actually his dad, because they sure drew attention to a hiding Shin man and then immediately never mentioned him again. 

Raboniel. MAN. What a fucking character. I was fascinated with her from the beginning. I never knew exactly what to think of her, because we see her from so many perspectives. Leshwi, who has been established as possibly the ‘goodest’ and most sane of the Fused, openly tells us not to trust her. We learn she’s done terrible things in her lifetime, like trying to create a plague to destroy all of humanity, and one of her titles is just straight-up scary af. She learns how to really, truly, actually kill spren, which is terrifying. She tried to kill the Sibling, which is obviously Super Bad. And yet, she’s such a compelling character. She’s polite and reasonable, to a degree. Clever and enormously genre-savvy, but also blunt and to the point, knowing full well Venli is being used to spy on her and Navani is working against her and blatantly stating so. She’s so intelligent, and is willing to both respect Navani and work with her to create things together, and recognize her worth. I never fully trusted her at any point, because we know she’s done so much to be scared of, but man, I enjoyed reading her segments so freaking much. I was sad when she died, and her weird frenemy relationship with Navani was really intriguing. 

I really enjoyed Dabbid’s little segments. I’m so happy he’s comfortable talking around the others. I’m also happy to see Sanderson delving into including more autistic characters in different points on the spectrum, while also showing other people treating them well.

Taravangian. I still don’t know where to stand on this guy and I’m very nervous now that he’s basically a god and apparently smart enough to outwit everyone else again. I was excited when he actually managed to kill Rayse but fuck, we might have been better off with Rayse.

SOMEBODY ACTUALLY MANAGAGED TO OUTWIT HOID AND I’M SCARED AF AT WHAT THAT MEANS

Moash. I just. Fuck. I don’t even know. I’m not even sure if this counts as him killing under his own power or not. He doesn’t really want to take responsibility for his actions, and as long as Odium takes his pain and feelings, he doesn’t have to. But that moment when he wasn’t protected, he seemed upset with what he had done. So I really have no damned clue where his story is gonna go. But fuck, it’s scary how easily he almost undid Kaladin completely. He knew exactly what buttons to press. We’re lucky the Pursuer ignored him and attacked anyway, or he really would’ve won.

I’ll admit, my Cosmere knowledge is less than stellar, so I’m still not entirely sure I understand the stuff with the Heralds and Mraize. But I am definitely curious to see where it’s going on a surface level, at least. 

LIFT USES LIFELIGHT that explains a lot. I wish she’d been in this story more because I adore her lol. 

I know Sanderson announced Ace Jasnah a while back, but I love that it’s been so firmly established in the book itself. No beating around the bush or leaving people to wonder. She just straight-up says she’s got no real interest in sexual stuff and never really got how it drove others. I love it. I love seeing that so honestly and bluntly stated. 

Anyway I’m sure there’s a lot more to be said but overall, A++++ as always, super adored, next one when???? 

[bumblebee-moreno]

I just wanna make a quick post about interacting with kids, because people on here seem to not know how kids work. (quick note before I start though: this is all spoken from my experience in working with kids--I do not have children of my own. I volunteer every year at an elementary school, working closely with younger kids who are struggling with learning certain subjects but don’t necessarily qualify for special ed (COVID has put a pause on this but I fully intent to resume as soon as it is safe to do so.) I am also a facilitator for a support group through a nonprofit--I’m part of the team in charge of facilitating the middle school group (ages 11/12-14). I didn’t really want to make this post because a lot of people get offended by these viewpoints, but the more I observe how kids are being treated by the adults in their life, the more I realise I need to say something.)

***I encourage you to reblog and add your own thoughts: I want to have an open discussion about this. 

Ok, first of all: Kids are a LOT smarter than you think they are. 

The problem is, they don’t know how to communicate and apply this yet. Calling them dumb and treating them as if they have nothing to offer conversations doesn’t support their development at all; in fact, it is one of the easiest ways to discourage a kid. This doesn’t mean turn off your filter and talk to kids the same way you’d talk to your friends. It just means, genuinely listen to their perspective and allow them to be part of intelligent conversations. Kids can’t learn responsible, mature ways to communicate if you don’t give them the opportunity to try it. 

One city in Colorado did a project that got kids involved in city development. In fact, this project was so successful that they are still continuing it! The classroom I volunteer in did a project inspired by this a few years ago. The first grade classroom was tasked with creating a city that could be applicable to real life. Their only restrictions were that they had to include four things: recreation, housing, jobs, and education. How they did that and what else they included was up to them. They were allowed to be as creative as they’d like. 

The teacher, other volunteer and I expected the city they made to be something out of a fantasy world. What we saw, though, was absolutely incredible. 

The kids created a detailed park complete with a pond for wildlife, a pool for recreation, walking trails, parking, wheelchair ramps, disability accessible bathrooms, community gardens, playgrounds designed specifically for younger kids, and another for older ones. They included apartment buildings and bus stations. They added traffic lights to intersections and lowered speed limits nearby their school. They made several large public schools, as well as a college (which they insisted, unprompted, was low-income accessible. They made a hospital and a fire station. 

Their instructions were only to create a city with only four boxes to check. They weren’t required to do any more than build the layout of it. But when we asked them to give us a tour of their city, they not only told us what each building was: they described laws that protected minorities. They told us about what roles people would have in their city, including the roles of kids.

No, it wasn’t to the great detail and precision that an adult could. Yes, there were many holes in their creation that would cause problems in the real world. They obviously weren’t thinking in terms of budget or government restrictions. But in a way, that made their ideas so much better. They weren’t tied down by the expectations adults had. They added features that we’ve been fighting for for years, such as basic accessibility, both physical and financial (such as their insistence about free college education).

Kids’ lack of experience doesn’t make them stupid. In fact, I believe it’s part of what makes them so smart. They observe the world around them and aren’t seeing things in terms of criticism and limits. They see something that needs to change, and they aren’t afraid to come up with creative ideas to make that change.

Talking at kids doesn’t do shit.

Telling a kid to do something or not to do it is probably the quickest way to encourage them to do the exact opposite.

But you know what I’ve found works almost every time? TWO WAY CONVERSATIONS!

Saying “don’t talk to people like that” is a very easy way to not change behaviour. Rather, help them understand why they shouldn’t talk a certain way. 

When working with young children, I usually start off with saying “When you said [x], my feelings were hurt because...” And then they usually figure it out for themselves that they said the wrong thing. 

This works so much better because:

1) the kid doesn’t get defensive. When you scold them for misbehaving, they quickly learn to guard themselves from that. When you can calmly explain to them what was wrong about that situation, they’re less likely to try to protect themselves from your words: because they won’t need to.

2) They learn exactly what was wrong about what they said. When you just tell them they’re wrong but refuse to talk to them about how or why they did something hurtful, they can’t always take it the right way. When a kid says “you look dirty” and you tell them that’s rude, they don’t understand why. In their heads, that may have been them trying to say you have mud smeared on your pants, or you have food spilled on your shirt: they may have just been trying to help you. When you explain to them exactly what about that statement was hurtful, and perhaps offer a kinder way to say it, they’ll recognise their mistake much quicker and remember it better.

3) They’ll learn how to express their own feelings in a much more healthy way. Kids learn from their surroundings. When you snap at them for making a mistake, you teach them to do the same. Then, later on down the road, you may hurt their feelings, and they may lash out at you. When you teach them to communicate more openly, they’ll learn how to address their problems in a productive manner.

4) It gives them the opportunity to problem solve. When you say “this hurt because” instead of “you’re wrong”, it allows them to come to the conclusion that they made a mistake on their own. It’s basically the child-equivalent of providing someone with sources to try to disprove them. Except when it’s taught from a young age, they’ll learn to accept the criticism instead of attack it.

On a related note, when you see a problem coming up repeatedly, or a child is growing upset about something: Share your feelings about the situation, ask them to share theirs, and then help them come up with solutions.  

Mistakes are healthy

Stopping a young person from making a mistake isn’t always helpful. Obviously, if they’re about to hurt themselves or others, stop them. But if it’s a little mistake, let them make it. And then talk to them about it. Help them come up with ways to first fix this mistake and then to avoid making the mistake again in the future.

It conveys the message of “you’re human and mistakes are normal: I’m here for you.” instead of the message of “You can’t do anything right, just let me do it for you.”

You can’t learn and grow as a person if you’re never allowed to put yourself out there and make mistakes. Give young people the chance to try things themselves: but make it clear you’re here for them when they need support. 

Listen to them.

This piggybacks off of a lot of what I said above, but listening to kids is important. 

When a teenager says they need help, it’s far more effective to ask them how you can help them than it is to tell them why they’re struggling and then refuse to help them solve it. I can’t tell you how many kids I’ve had reach out to me saying they feel alone because of this. They’ll come to me saying that they went to their parent to say they feel depressed (or even are on the brink of hurting themselves in some way), only to be met with “well you should think about how I feel” or “you’re just being dramatic.”

When a kid says something hurt them, LISTEN TO THEM. Kids’ feelings are every bit as complex as those of an adult. You don’t turn 18 and suddenly have a real brain with real emotions. You have that your whole life; humanity doesn’t come with age. experience based decisions do.

And, spoiler alert: kids know themselves better than you do. No, this doesn’t mean when your 11 year old refuses to eat vegetables or brush their teeth, you can shrug and say “well they know themselves best”. This means when they try to share how they’re feeling (ESPECIALLY when they’re sharing a feeling about something you did), listen to them and try to compromise when it’s reasonable to do so. If you hurt their feelings--apologise. If they feel like they deserve more freedom, offer up ideas for how they can earn your trust. 

TL;DR: Kids aren’t brainless creatures you can ignore and wonder why they aren’t becoming functional adults. They don’t lack intelligence: they lack a method to communicate that intelligence

Treating kids like adults (in an age-appropriate way) gives them the opportunity to learn the skills needed to act like adults when they’re thrown into the real world. You can’t treat them like they’re dumb their whole life and then ask why they’re not succeeding.

[theteej]

“You need to take serious time for yourself, do self-care, or something,” my best friend Mark said to me, uncomfortably earnestly. 

“I’m serious.  You haven’t been letting anything in, and you just have to sit and stop running.  Go process, or feel, or just let it sink in that you did things and you surprisingly don’t suck.”

Fuck, he’s right.

And so that’s what I’m doing.  Last week I booked an Airbnb in La Jolla, a tony coastal enclave of San Diego near where I went to undergrad.  I pretended I was on vacation, but in a pandemic.  I booked a small studio near the water, and planned to spend these next few days reading, reflecting, walking along the ocean, and staying otherwise indoors and trying to wrestle with this whole semester.  I pulled up to the studio last night, unpacked my bags, and cried.  Like cried a lot.  I felt lonely and scared, but also so numb.  I felt a sea of blankness all around me, and a sense of trepidation.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do about all of my stupid feelings.

 

Where to start?

 

I feel like I’ve been anxious nearly my whole life.  It’s absolutely something that developed as a kid with a violent, drunken father.  You learn to live in between heartbeats like that, always testing what’s about to happen, trying to think of the next thing to plan in order to stay safe.  Sure, your brain says tauntingly.  Things are OK right now, but what if they’re not in a few minutes?  Or even worse: Things ARE terrible—what are you going to do if they stay that way forever?  These are the gifts Tyrone Tallie Sr left me, along with an unoriginal legal name and a stubborn widows peak visible whenever I grow my hair out for a few weeks.

Couple that with a natural tendency to think quickly, and you have the birth of a personality that masked my calculating self-security by turning those constant permutations into clever moments for interaction or comment.  Like many people, my wit is born of trauma; the ability to process things in quick time is born out of needing to feel safe, and frequently gets deployed to put others at ease.  That’s one of the weirder contradictory things about being me.  I am simultaneously witty and clever and in control, and I am also always quietly freaking out, or at the very least, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Which is why this has been….a damn semester.  Teaching two classes fully remotely with panicked, overwhelmed students in the shadow of an ever-worsening pandemic that stretches on and on without end and feeling daily gaslighted by the endless selfishness of your fellow citizens—what a gift for the anxious.  Ironically, anxiety helped to a certain extent because I didn’t have the shock of falling into a new world of uncertainty or fear that so many non-anxious folk did this year.  But that’s hardly a gift, is it?  Congratulations! You’re already living as if a bomb can go off at any moment, so you’re not struggling to adjust to the new horror show of life!

Teaching this semester has been…just without any context.  I’ve taught online, but not in this same planned way and with everyone panicking, and the looming threat of pandemic and election.  And yet we did it.  We pulled ourselves together, and my students were honest about their needs and their breakdowns and I tried to model humility and grace and confusion and rage as well as they did.  We didn’t fuck it up.  Or, we all fucked up, and it was okay.  We learned things. Students surprised me, and it was glorious.  I got to be broken and I didn’t die.

It was an intense semester of overworking as well.  I was on a bunch of committees, formal and informal, and we managed to get a new minor—African Studies—passed.  I’ll be heading a new program on campus next year, and that’s exciting and terrifying.  And on top of all of that, I couldn’t stop volunteering for stuff, or talking about things I cared about.  In addition to teaching, I gave fourteen different presentations or talks this semester, an increase in expectations or agreements on my part thanks to the ubiquity of zoom.  It grinds on you: the whole, get up, trudge to the back room, power up a personality for the zoom camera, and pour yourself digitally into a screen, only to feel yourself broken into little packets of light and data and scattered across the universe.

The talks went well.  The student evaluations went well.  Honestly, both were fucking great.  And I haven’t let myself feel a goddamn thing.  I let it slide off me like rain on a waxed deck, the droplets beading on the slick wood before slipping away into the darkness.  I cant let it sink in, because then something good might be happening, and the very skills that have made me capable—the whip-fast reflexes, the self-deprecating humour, the rapid analysis—are also tied to the very deep-seeded anxiety. Everything has to be calculated and understood and prepared for, because at some moment a dark curtain is going to fall over the face of a man with my same name. He will smack me so hard I will go flying out of a chair and hit the wall with a soft, sickly whump, a particularly unpleasant of me at seven that I carry sewn into every cell of my skin and fiber of my being. 

I can’t stop and let it sink in because I have internalized the worst calculus of overachiever life—push harder, don’t stop for the good, that’s normal.  Stop only for the bad to learn from it, take in its horror, and let it never happen to you again.  And so I found myself at the end of the semester holding a bag of relative joy like a party favour, looking around anxiously for bullies to come snatch it out of my hands.

And then Jeopardy fucking happened.

I got to be on television. I got to talk to Alex Trebek, the same man who held my grandmother’s hand on Classic Concentration and saw that her for the beautiful, formidable queen that she was. I got to turn silly trivia knowledge into cash—and I got to do it while being me. And to my confusion—people liked me.  It went well, they felt I resonated with something inside of them, and they liked it.

I do not, in my own skill set, have the tools to deal with that.  I am supposed to be clever and fast, and witty, and engaging and lovable—but I do not know how to actually think of receiving goodness.  I know how to process being witty and clever and delightful—I did what I was supposed to do, good job, next—but I don’t know how to actually take that positivity in.

I keep waiting for all of this to fall apart, for everyone to hate me in the reassuring ways that I distrust or marginalize or disbelieve myself.  And yet, I know that’s not helpful.  Hence, overachiever’s therapy: forcing oneself to prematurely trade on prize money and spend a three day love/relaxation retreat, less than fifteen miles from my own apartment.

I woke up and cried a little.  I then tried to mediate or at least focus on the positives of late.  Nope. Nothing came.  I decided it was time for coffee.  I drank some that I made in the Airbnb, but realized I needed to get outside for a walk.  I changed into a bright yellow caftan and an extra-dramatic face mask, and went for a walk on the streets of La Jolla, the bougie and strange bubble by the sea.

La Jolla can double in weird ways like other parts of the world I frequent.  It feels sometimes like I’m in Durban (if you’re more partial to Umhlanga Rocks or Durban North) or Wellington (if you love Mount Vic or Oriental Bay), or even Vancouver (if you feel like West Point Grey or the haughtiest parts of Kitsilano are your thing).  It’s a rich place, one that I don’t belong in, but one that I can feign a few hours of enjoyment and sun.

Today I walked down palm tree lined streets in the perfect weather, the breeze pushing through my still-short hair with a strange urgency.  I picked up a cold brew coffee and a freshly caught and grilled halibut sandwich that my therapist recommended (we decided to briefly be pescatarian for a day and chalked it up to the ‘medical advice.’), then I turned toward the coast.  I sat for a long time looking at the waves—unsurprisingly—with a bit of anxiety. 

What if I relaxed WRONG?  What if I couldn’t let myself feel joy?  What if I just wasted the day by…eating this sandwich and not fully appreciating the beautiful ocean waves, golden sun, or nature all around me.  After a while I realized that sounded ridiculous, and just forced myself to sit.

And as the old Zulu language dance song “Unamanga” by the late Patricia Majalisa started to filter to my headphones, as I stared out at the sea and the sun, something shifted.  I felt something like, I don’t know, a failure in the sealnt around myself, and some drops dripped in, slowly.  Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t have to do this in a grand gesture.  I could enjoy myself and the small joys I’d found in life so far. 

I could be grateful and quietly glad for the little things that happened.  It wasn’t about deserving it, or about it being worthy of me.  I could imagine for right now, that this was a thing that I could have.  I could sit and marvel that some great shit happened to me, and it was OK.  Let’s not get it twisted—I didn’t have an epiphany, there were no turnbacks on the road to Emmaus.  But I did find a little quietude in my soul for a second and stopped frantically Teflon-ing my heart from joy for a second.

I survived a hell semester, and did well. I got a wonderful opportunity and it went well.  I could just let hat happen and also not ignore that it happened, to focus on negatives in an outsized way.  I could, in this single afternoon moment, be delighted that things had gone okay.  And not worry or strategize about the next disaster, which would happen on its own anyway.  And…that’s all I can do right now.

Also, I’m going to work on this more, this whole letting people love me and letting it sink in.  I usually avoid it because I feel like it keeps me off my game from the inevitable disaster to follow.  But that’s not how I want to live.  I’m going to try to think about what it means that some of you all tell me you love me, and then to show it.  I need to reconcile the nonstop whirligig of my mind also turns menacingly in on itself so often, and that acknowledging the gift of calculated wit and mirth also means I have to cultivate love and joy.

So tomorrow, I’m going to go for a brief run, I’m going to drink some lovely coffee, and I’m going to walk along the ocean again.  (And then I’m going to keep staying in this Airbnb so I don’t catch or spread this plague.)

 

What a fucking semester, y’all.

[eddieonthemove]

Early months

Finding that pink line on the pregnancy test was a complete surprise for me. It was unplanned, unexpected and to be honest, couldn’t have been more badly timed. Looking back now, the pregnancy itself didn’t get any easier. When people say that pregnant women have this kind of bloom around them, for me it was more of a gloom. I was sick, tired, couldn’t sleep or eat properly, and on top of that serious problems in the relationship and a very stressful job. Not ideal!

When I was 23 weeks pregnant I started showing a tiny bit, although I still looked like I had a bit more for lunch than normal rather than being pregnant. For the coming weekend my partner Ben and I were planning to go to Snowdonia. That didn’t go as planned. Instead, I woke up on Thursday that week and was bleeding a bit. I googled the symptoms and then walked to work as usual, because Google said it can happen. My colleagues persuaded me to call my midwife and then called me a taxi to go to the hospital. I didn’t take my pregnancy notes, I literally thought I would be back at work in a few hours. Instead, after the examination, a doctor sat me down and told me “don’t panic but you’re in labour”. Well, you can imagine I started panicking. At only 23+5 days pregnant.

The following few hours I went from crying, being petrified, calling my parents, wanting to leave the hospital because the doctors were obviously wrong, to being scared that Ben wouldn’t even show up. If I ever thought before that I wasn’t ready, I definitely wasn’t ready for this. I was transferred onto a delivery suite immediately and got a midwife assigned to me. Within a few hours I was given lots of painkillers and other medication to try to stop the labour, as well as steroids for the little one. Ben arrived with a few friends and I basically cried through it.

Many doctors talked to us after that, explained what little chances there were, what were the possible outcomes, and told me I needed to keep the baby (until that point the sex wasn’t confirmed) inside until at least 24 weeks. The people, nurses, doctors, midwifes, and everybody involved were absolutely amazing. Contractions started slowly but surely and by Saturday morning I was praying for whatever to happen to stop this. At that point, we knew it was going to happen that day and I had never felt less ready. I felt like I needed years to prepare for whatever was coming. I needed my parents, who were thousands of miles away. I wanted as much medication to kill the pain as possible, however I couldn’t get any because it was too risky. Another hard thing was deciding about the unborn baby’s life, just in case. Deciding whether we wanted for the doctors to do everything possible to keep the baby alive or to let nature do what was meant to be. We agreed to give it a try but not to push the little one if he didn’t want to stay with us. I had never felt so lonely in my life. We had been waiting until late evening for my water to break, but once it did the rest happened very quickly.

Eddie was born on Saturday, 12th of May 2018 at 24 weeks of gestation, weighing only 640g (1.4 lbs), breach, but despite all that decided to fight his first big fight for life. Doctors asked us if we wanted to see him, I’m not sure if Ben did, but I was so exhausted that the only thing I wanted was to sleep. Eddie went straight into an incubator and got transferred to the neonatal unit. I got morphine and thought I would rest, but hallucinations and sickness followed. In the early morning hours we were woken up to be transferred to a normal room and after a couple more hours of sleep a nurse came to ask if I wanted to start expressing milk. Honestly? That was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t even want to see my baby. The first journey to the neonatal unit was horrifying, all I wanted was to go home and forget about everything that had happened. Eddie was at the far end, where the sickest babies were, and he was also the smallest one at the unit. When we first saw him, he looked like a little alien without any body fat, with see-through skin, red in colour. I felt awful for not feeling the supposedly instant maternal love.

NICU became the place where I spent most of my time and yet the place I hated most. The dim blue lights, the beeping machines, the hushed tones of doctors and nurses, medical language I didn’t understand despite being fluent in English, everything sterile… On top of the early arrival, Eddie had a large haemorrhage on his brain on both sides and was fully incubated. It was a miracle he survived. That day was the beginning of his long journey. I rushed to get home to sleep in my bed and asked to be discharged the same day. The whole thing felt surreal. For the first few days Eddie was doing amazingly well, but then he got sick very quickly. We were scared to be called in every minute of every day. I felt constantly on edge and unable to relax. I would lie in bed clutching my phone, petrified whenever it rang in case it was bad news. Multiple complications, multiple “you should say your goodbyes now”. Every day was a nightmare with so much stress and fear. Expressing milk every three hours became a very hated chore, especially since Eddie couldn’t receive any milk because of so many complications.

Two days passed and it felt like a week, every day dragged so much. A couple of weeks after Eddie was born we were called at night and spent a day and a half on the unit nonstop as everything was pretty bad; even Ben burst into tears once. Eddie proved the doctors wrong and despite all odds he kept fighting and got better again. I had my first skin to skin cuddle with Eddie with about 6 nurses around just to make sure Eddie was ok. I felt like I couldn’t even move or touch my baby. However, I slowly became familiar with the nurses. Their guidance was great and we could have been involved as much or as little as we wanted, or that is at least what they said. Over the time Ben slowly stopped paying Eddie frequent visits, everything seemed to be much more difficult and the mental health of both of us was slowly hitting bottom. I felt so much pressure; I am the mother, I was the one who always had to come and visit. A few times we planned a trip somewhere and some nurses encouraged me to have a bit of a normal life, but on return to the hospital some nurses couldn’t not mention that I hadn’t visited Eddie for a day. I felt like they judged me and wondered how I could possibly dare not to show up for a few hours.

Most days I felt a strong urge to either curl up in a ball or run away and not have to face life as it was. I felt like jumping out of the window. I don’t think I would have done it, but I felt lost, lonely and distraught. I went through days when I hated even the thought of going to the hospital and days when I couldn’t be anywhere else because it was the only place where I felt safe. I needed Ben but he wasn’t able to be there for me. None of my friends understood (and I don’t blame them) but I felt like I was abandoned. I lived for my job and felt like it was taken from me. Everything was falling apart.  Anybody who tried to be there for me was just not good enough. I felt helpless and hopeless. I kept expressing milk and in the first weeks I did so well that even nurses told me I had to store it at home as they had no space left. That quickly changed, because mental health clearly affects everything. SCIPS, a charity that is based in the hospital offered me private counselling, probably because I cried most of the time, not only when Eddie was not well, but even when he was getting better. I started attending weekly sessions and it took a good 6 months for me to realise that this was not my fault. The idea that every woman has a pregnancy that is 9 months long is just an ideal situation, but what happened to us can happen to anybody.

“Life can throw us many curve balls, with children undoubtedly being one of them. Factor into that medical problems, our very young age as parents, my lack of desire to ever be a parent and an unsure future and you have the mother of all curve balls. To say that I dragged my heels at the thought of being a father would be an understatement. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and to accept that, like it or not, I no longer have the choice; I have a son. The whole journey from finding out that Eli was pregnant to Eddie finally being discharged from hospital has been the most harrowing and emotional yet maturing and life-changing experience that I could ever have imagined going through. Despite initial reluctance towards fatherhood, I was amazed at Eddie’s spirit and will to keep fighting. Despite numerous complications and a few near-death scares, he has found a way to pull through, in no small part thanks to all the staff at the NICU and his own stubborn willpower. Eli was and continues to be incredibly brave and has been so strong for both Eddie and me throughout all of this and is the most wonderful mother that Eddie could ever hope for. Even now with a long way to go before he starts to catch up with the development of children his age, he still manages to astonish us with his progress, and always with a smile on his face. The experience of an un-planned, extremely premature birth has without a doubt taken its toll on our mental health and our relationship, and yet the future still seems brighter than ever with such a lovely, happy boy to light the way. Although Eli and I may have not made it as a couple, I feel that we are doing all that we can to succeed at being the best parents that we can to Eddie and now share a special relationship as a family that has brought us all even closer than before. Seeing his progress after a mere two-hour session at the Bobath Centre was incredible, leading us to believe wholeheartedly that they can aid him in his growth and allow him to live a normal life, regardless of his premature birth. Above all else, I am immeasurably proud and grateful that Eddie is as stubborn as his parents with his never-give-up attitude towards life. He has seized every opportunity so far and I hope that he continues to do so for the rest of his life. He may have been unexpected, but the best gifts are always a surprise.”

Ben, Eddie’s Dad

Eddie was slowly getting better and once he was off any help with breathing, it was just a waiting game until he was ready to go home. I gave up on breastfeeding as the pressure of it and the slow decrease of my milk supply was bringing me down even more. Another hard thing on the unit was seeing all the babies come and go. Nurses told me to talk to other parents many times, and I did, I made a few friends, but most of the time I was jealous of their babies’ progress or the support they had around them… Most of the people I met through NICU always come back and look for a reason to drop in and say hi, but the journey through NICU is the one thing I would very much like to forget about. However, I am and will always be so grateful for all doctors and nurses that helped Eddie to fight for his life.

Eddie got discharged on the 12th of September, exactly 4 months after he was born. Ben and I roomed in for the last night, I don’t think we even exchanged one single word that night, now I know that Ben had never been that scared in his life, and I was too. Unfortunately for me, I was the one who had to be ok and strong. It was just expected of me. We were actually lucky, as Eddie didn’t need any oxygen help at home or a feeding tube, and yet it didn’t feel great.

The first few months at home were definitely not a piece of cake, but I guess it never is for any new parents. I can’t say we didn’t go through anything abnormal (apart from using a lot of syringes and medicine every day), just a lot of crying and the usual things that come with a ‘newborn’ baby. I had to take Eddie back to the hospital three times, twice for a bad episode of bronchiolitis (when once his lung partially collapsed) and once for a hernia operation. Apart from that, our Eddie has grown to be a very happy little boy and I’ve grown to love him more than anything in the world. So did Ben, despite all that’s happened. Our relationship didn’t survive, we failed as a couple, but not as parents, Eddie gave us the strength to realise that even when things aren’t going as planned, we can survive.

Eddie’s now 15 months old. He would have been 1 year old on the 1st of September 2019 if he was born on his due date and weighs an amazing 10 kg! He doesn’t roll over much (even though he can do it), he can’t sit up by himself, he doesn’t crawl and is behind with most of the normal milestones. I stopped taking Eddie to baby groups because I couldn’t cope with other children developing normally and felt like I wanted to give Eddie as much as I could to be able to give him a normal life. After contacting Bliss, an international charity for sick and premature babies and Bobath Centre for children with cerebral palsy, Eddie has been admitted onto the Early Intervention Scheme in Bobath Centre Wales and had his first assessment with a senior physiotherapist in August. We will have more sessions to go to and an intensive block every 4 months. It will be a lot of hard work and exercise and we are praying that Eddie will be able to have a normal life one day.

I wouldn’t wish for anybody to have an extremely premature child but I am happy to be the person I’ve become and that’s pretty much shaped by what I’ve been through over the last two years, even though I am still very far away from being ok with everything that’s happened. I have severe panic attacks and strong anxiety, I’ve become terrified of sharing personal things with people around me and I know this experience will affect me for a long time. Writing this story, however, and going through everything again seems to be the right step now, a step forward. All of my family, from my one thousands of miles away to my one here including Ben and Ben’s family and my close friends, we all love Eddie very much and I wouldn’t change that for anything. He is our little miracle!

Eli, Eddie’s mum 

(originally posted on  15th August 2019) 

”We did not know that our son, Ben, and Eli were expecting a baby until less than a month before Eddie was born, so everything seemed to happen incredibly quickly thereafter.  We were very worried when Eli went into labour so early and whilst delighted at the news that Eddie had come into the world, we were also very anxious about not only our first and only grandson being born so prematurely (and all the health issues and problems arising from that) but also the pain and worry that our son and Eli would be going through, given the circumstances of Eddie’s very early birth.  We tried to give as much support as we could, in whichever way we could, but living a 5 hour return journey away meant it was difficult to visit and we didn’t want to get in the way, so texts were the main means of information exchange.  Ben and Eli kept us as well informed as they could, and news that the hospital had told them to go and say their final goodbyes on several occasions was truly heart-breaking, but Eddie clearly had different ideas and decided he wasn’t ready to leave. We first visited Eddie in the hospital incubator when he was 6 weeks old; he was so tiny and so beautiful, we fell in love with him immediately. We were overwhelmed at the wonderful support and care given by NICU and marvelled at Eddie’s fighting spirit. When Eddie came out of hospital, we visited again and the first time we babysat for him overnight, was really truly scary; there were so many things to remember: when to give his meds, when to feed, what to do if he choked, and so forth, but Eli and Ben’s calm parenting (plus the fact they were just a couple of streets away!) put us at ease and we had no problems at all; we thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience as any grandparents would.  When we babysat again a few months later for 3 whole days all by ourselves, we loved every minute of it and just wished we lived closer so that we could help more readily.We know our son was affected very deeply by Eddie’s birth and struggled at first to cope as a father, and although this whole experience has taken a toll on Ben and Eli’s relationship with each other, we still very much see them all as part of our wider family. We have never ceased to be amazed at how wonderful they both are as parents, and at the strength and fortitude of Eddie – he is such a fighter. We are so happy and proud to be his grandparents, and were delighted that Bobath accepted Eddie onto their Early Intervention Scheme so that he can have extra help with his developmental issues; we’re sure this extra help will make all the difference in the world to him in the future.” Anne and Simon, Proud Grandparents

[rickybowxn]

hey!! ok so i just need someone else’s opinion bc i haven’t seen anyone talking about this and i literally can’t wrap my head around it lol ok so ricky and nini dated for a YEAR and never once said i love you? and if ricky isn’t ready to say it was he going to wait till 2 years? 3? 4? or was he never going to say it? i also don’t understand why he doesn’t understand that he broke her heart :( i love him but he essentially broke up with her after she told him she loved him on their anniversary 😭

hiya! this is such a great line of discussion and so there’s a lot to break down, bear with me this is gonna be a long one :)

let’s start with the thought that ricky doesn’t understand that he broke nini’s heart. i agree and disagree with you on this. i think that as a 16 year old boy, in the heat of the moment after he saw the instagram post and was clearly overwhelmed by it, he definitely didn’t know that he deeply hurt nini when he decided to not say it back and break up with her. he was as impulsive and sudden in action in response to a post/declaration that in his perspective, was impulsive and sudden by nini. he definitely underestimated the consequences and the weight of him not saying it back in respect to nini’s emotions, and thought that there was space to come back from not saying it back (and i’ll get to why he assumed that in a bit). now, fast forward to junior year, i think he’s definitely understood just how much he broke nini’s heart. i think kourtney’s resentment toward ricky in respect to how nini was treated and more importantly, nini’s general irritation/stand offishness and just distaste towards him throughout the first three episodes allowed ricky to understand how hurt she was by it.

now let’s get when ricky was supposed to/will say ‘i love you’. i don’t know about you but i personally believe that every relationship has a pace, and that pace is different for everybody. saying ‘i love you’ simply doesn’t have a timer on it, it could happen in weeks, or months, or years. how fast or how long it takes to say those words neither validates nor weakens the relationship, and that’s what i believe. personally, i’d argue that throwing around ‘i love you’s’ at 14/15/16 is more unusual/immature than a healthy/mature response (and i’ll elaborate on that in a bit as well) in a relationship. with respect to rini/rickini/ricky and nini, it’s more about each character’s motivation and circumstance with respect to their relationship, as well as their relationship as a whole. tackling that first bit, ricky is in a really rough spot in his perception of love atm, it’s been skewed into negativity since his parents’ marriage started falling apart, i’ve mentioned it in another post of mine when i was analysing ep4 - ‘the only concept of love that he grew up with, his parents - he witnessed them be in, and slowly fall out of love. his only understanding of love is that it is temporary and painful’. now parallel that with nini’s perception of love, beautifully explicated by the subtext of kourtney’s (kinda) monologue in ep5 “i don’t get it, what happened to the seventh grade nini who used to belt this song… ever since you discovered boys, you’ve spent way too much time trying to see yourself through their eyes”, we know that they are worlds apart in how they perceive and pace the idea of love, as well as a relationship itself. nini, from what kourtney said, can be deduced to loving the idea of love - having a boyfriend, getting attention and affection etc. she’s a 14/15 year old girl who started a relationship with the first boy she met and seriously had feelings for. it’s even safe to assume that she jumped into saying ‘i love you’ because she thought ricky was ‘the one’ and she must have watched about 3737328473 romcoms and musicals that pushed the agenda and romanticised relationships and being in love (which no doubt influenced her version and understanding, which is still completely valid and integral, of love). it’s really important for us to understand that just like ricky’s understanding of love is twisted, so is nini’s, neither of them have really gotten to knowing the depth of how good and not so good love can be, and how big of a commitment it is, and that’s because of what i talk about next!

the bombshell that has created the entire arc of the ricky and nini relationship is immaturity. immaturity! ricky and nini are teenagers who are still developing skills such as communication, their independent values and beliefs, as well as self-image. these are all fundamental aspects that encourage and foster a healthy environment for a romantic relationship to grow. getting into a relationship so young, at 14/15 and committing to a person is so difficult simply because you don’t have a developed skillset of these things yet, and ricky and nini are a poster example. remember how i said i’d get back to why ricky thought that he could come back from not saying ‘i love you back’ to nini? well we’re here now, it was immaturity. ricky didn’t have the empathy or emotional maturity to understand how it would effect nini, and nini didn’t communicate, (and actually still hasn’t communicated), why not saying ‘i love you’ back hurt her, she’s just been lashing out so far. now the mature thing to have done is to have sat down with ricky and talked through it, asked him and understood his train of thought. she didn’t do that and ricky just walked away without explaining himself. that, is called a lack of communication. and that skill, comes from learning and ageing. yes it was obvious to us as an audience what he’d done was so wrong, but seriously, as a 16 year old coming from a broken home and never having experienced/seen a healthy relationship, i doubt you any of us would be able to fully grasp it if it was happening to us. and that’s why i’d argue that taking a relationship slow, feeling it out and getting into it as older and more mature individuals is more thought-out. your feelings at any age toward another person are valid, especially in the case that they are reciprocated, but that doesn’t mean you will have a functioning relationship. that’s because relationships. are. work. and kids can’t handle the work because they don’t have the skills that match the job description. ‘i love you’ encapsulates that promise - exercising communication, empathy and support, it’s more than just an emotion i think. in this case, i actually think that ricky understands that better than nini does, because as i said in my other post, one of the motivating reasons he didn’t say it back is because his parents didn’t keep their promise - they fell out of developing their skillset and supporting each other. 

now the most important side-note: none of us will ever perfect these skills that make a relationship work, its constant practice in empathy, in communication, in understanding, in esteem and confidence, and in support. i just think that nini and ricky never got to experience even developing those skills independently and that’s why their relationship fell apart in the way it did. this break has already matured them, ep5 showed nini gaining genuine confidence in herself and ep4 showed ricking communicating to nini how he felt about everything going on at home. them independently going about their lives and growing is already inevitably readying them for being in a relationship and committing to them the right way, when they’re ready for it! i’m so excited to see it

finally, as for when ricky will say/was planning to say ‘i love you’ - i think the writers are taking us on that journey right now! the break ricky and nini have been going through is perfectly setting them up for that mutual and satisfying understanding of the love they have for one and other. i personally think that ricky has loved nini from the get-go, his fear of externalising those emotions is that he’ll have the same outcome as his parents, his insecurities right now don’t allow him to believe that he can have, or even deserves, more than his parents’ fate. hopefully gets out of his rut with talking about how he genuinely feels about nini and how he’s ready for that relationship soon. nini is already getting better at being more sure of herself and what she wants, i think she’ll soon realise how ricky is different to her, and how that doesn’t take away from his legitimate and very strong feelings that are ever-present for her.

what ricky did sucked and he was undoubtably a douche. but that was the exposition to his, and ricky and nini’s story, it only gets better from here! it already has xx

(i’m so so sorry it’s this long, you just really got my analysis flowing lmao, hopefully this wasn’t just a mumble and was kind of an insight. i have so much to say but my brain feels like ramen rn)

[coffee-mugz]

Patton and Logan theory- Two Blues?

Ok, so I haven't been active very much (I'm sorry) but another theory/headcanon hit me in the head so here we go again-

So, I noticed that both Patton and Logan share the color blue (wow such a surprising thing)

And then I wondered: "Hmm, that's strange. Why would there be two variations of blue while everybody else is their own color?"

Then, it hit me.

Everybody knows Logan tries to be as robotic as possible. He doesn't like emotions, and yet Patton is absolutely filled with them despite sharing a color.

So, I thought: "What if Patton used to be logic, but then he got too emotional to BE logic. Since emotions form a sort of bias towards certain things and take out the entire "logic" aspect of it, he would inevitably be scrapped aside, on purpose or not. Certainly, it may have been subconscious, since in my head it would make sense if Thomas was criticized for how he thought about certain situations at a young age and would inevitably create a more "pure" form of logic to make up for it. A logic that didnt have bias. Logan.

It would also make sense from a character design view. Patton and Logan both wear glasses, they both wear polo shirts, their symbols are both placed on their chest and they are very similar to each other, and they both have something tied to their neck (tie/cardigan). And if I'm not wrong, they wore similar pants and belts as well, just different colors.

And then I realized, morality may not be a necessary side to have. The sides themselves all have their beliefs and personalities, but they would all, in the end, be influenced by Thomas. To better describe it, it's more like an animal instinct; they never learned it, they just act upon it through instinct (if it makes sense). Although this part hadn't been as thought our as other parts, it's still something I semi-think about, despite its plotholes.

Lastly, it would also explain Logan trying to avoid emotions as much a possible. He doesn't want to drop-out of his duties, leaving Thomas without any common sense. He naturally wouldn't want to make Thomas's life harder. So in order to not become what Patton become, he used Patton as an example and tried to become as non-bias as possible, and in turn influencing his view on emotions as "bad" for him. He would probably think Thomas is past the age to create another form of logic- his brain is already fully developed, he is an adult, his views aren't as shakable as he was as a child, etc.- so he wouldn't risk it all for a test.

Extra note: I doubt Thomas remembers such a thing that early in his childhood, so that would explain why he's ignorant about it.

So here's another theory. Stay safe, wash your hands, stay inside, and be healthy!

[whatdorothyhaleknew]

Something I wrote when my mother was dying.

My mother is dying, and not in the Buddhist, Sylvia Plath "we're all dying, all the time" way. Her body has been compromised, the messages her cells send each other got confused, and now there is rapidly developing cancer in her lung, and most horrifically, in her brain. Just typing that disgusts me enough to taste stomach acid rising, the most brutally unfair place to become ill, a desecration on the shrine to her life, her person. I've been staying  at home a lot, obviously, and unsurprisingly, my university work has been put on the back burner while I cope emotionally and practically. Mum has been her usual stoic self, we don't talk about it. She just wants to sleep, drink her tea, keep on smoking (as laughably distasteful that seems), listen to her radio. She doesn't want to disrupt any of our lives. But despite her stiff upper lip, her cancer is catching up with her. First, she couldn't make it up the stairs, so she had to stay downstairs. But she still was ok. Then she had her infection, knocking her out completely over Christmas. Back then we still didn't know she had cancer, she had kept it from us. She seemed to recover a bit, she came home, she was back to normal. It wasn't until later that she began to decline. Now, she is frailer than I could ever have imagined her to be. She moves with a tricycle/walker that we got from the NHS, which she could use by herself at first. I stay at home as much as I can. I stay up late, listening for her needing my help. When she could move easily by herself, getting out and into bed with no problem, zooming around with her walker, going up and down the steps no bother, it wasn't such a big deal. I went to sleep without any worry. Then she got thinner, slower, she needed more help with getting up the little step to get into the kitchen. I started staying up late, listening in my bedroom for the telltale sound of the kitchen light flickering on, coming down and making excuses, assuring my mother that I was up anyway, and that I just wanted a tea, like her. About 3 or 4 times a night I would sit with her until she went back to bed, trying to make conversation. I still haven't talked about her cancer, or her terminal diagnosis, with her. It feels too cruel to do it, to someone I love, who is dying, who never wanted to have the difficult conversations. I dread when people ask me how she is. She's getting worse, more confused as the tumours annex more of her brain and more of her, she's thinner, getting lighter for her final journey. The last week or two, she has had trouble getting in and out of bed. Now there is no pretense, she knows I am up for her in the night, because she calls me to come down. She knows I stay awake. Yesterday, I had the horrible thought that all of us were just waiting to be bereaved, trapped in between two points, the names of which I am too frightened to fully acknowledge with words. Mum was adamant that I stay in university, and so I have also been thinking of all that tedious business, in the back of my mind. Now there are some deadlines coming up, and I have threadbare theories to work with, subjects that I struggle to care about. Today, I came back to my flat near the university, and headed to the university library with my laptop, intending to bulldoze my ideas and theories until I produced something. I stared into space when I tried to read, I desperately switched to Buzzfeed, Facebook, Twitter when I tried to write. Without realising it, my fingers seek distractions from when I try to let my brain out of its safe space. About 20 minutes ago, I was finally pushing my thoughts forcefully onto the Word document, rough, shoddy work, but at least it gave me a mound of clay from which I could sculpt my argument. I had stopped, just for a second, to think, or to not think, just for a second. I had Spotify on my earphones, on shuffle, my playlist including over 9000 songs. In that dead space, my brain briefly off-lining itself while I gain momentum to write again, Amanda Palmer came on, freezing me with her words. "Love of mine, soon you will die, And I won't be far behind, I'll follow you into the dark." I sat through the entire song, not sure if I should just have skipped it, as I felt that icy boulder I have in my gut thaw, a real, bitter taste to my throat. Embarrassed to say that I cried there. I swallowed that mysterious lump that comes from crying. I think the Chinese guy to the side of me saw that I was crying, but I'm thankful he didn't say anything. After I got myself together again, after I grew used to the wound that the song had created, or exposed, I felt....the same? Worse? Better? My life at the moment is like a kaleidoscope of brown and grey, even when it turns and changes, it's just more of the same aching dullness. This whole thing with my mum at first made me scared about where would she go when she died. I was raised a Catholic, then I was an atheist in my teens, and now I confess that I am agnostic. I don't know, and neither does anyone else. I don't think the picture painted in the Christian Bible, or the Muslim Qua'ran, or any other holy book is the perfect, accurate story, I don't think it is the exact blueprint for how the cosmos works. Ultimately, these religions were created, I think, to act as an adhesive for communities, creating immutable laws for everyone, and explaining unknown things. Of course, the belief in the afterlife is part of that last thing. Even knowing this, in my cold, rational brain, I can't quite believe that a person ends completely. Part of this lack of belief in disbelief is something I can't explain without sounding mildly insane. I have always had this sense, that the pair of eyes I look out of is a complete fluke. That I could have just as easily be looking out another pair of eyes, and using a different pair of hands, being called a different name. I have never liked labels placed on my identity, or people assuming I like this or that because I am female, or because I am straight, or English. Because I am well aware that there is a part of me, deep in my mind, which is neither female or male. It has no sex, no nationality, no race, no preference. I would stay awake for a long time as a child, thinking about this other me, that was looking out of my eyes, knowing they were only mine by chance, and knowing that these eyes are only mine for a limited time. As a child, when I went to sleep, this is all I would think about. As I got older, as I absorbed the culture I grew up around, I did not have so much time to reflect on this opinionless, sexless, ageless edifice in my mind, thinking instead about how I could fit in with the others, whether I'd get a job, if I would fall in love. But that thing still lives, it has always been there, it sits, unchanging in its appreciation in the randomness of this body and this life, a dark, hard, immortal rock in ever-changing currents, the mountain my house is built into and on. I don't know what to call it, not entirely sure if I can call it part of me, and if that it is the "real me", and the personality I have developed is just a growth. I don't want to use the word "soul," as it is too value-laden, but it suits this rock within me in some ways - it is unchanging, it watches, it is nothing but itself. If I lose both my legs, this rock of me will not be chipped, it will not be scratched, it will remain as unmoved as it always has been. I could lose my eyes, and it will only increase in its heaviness, in its presence. If the part of me that is me is my brain, what happens when it rots? Does it rots away around this rock of me? Does the rock of me stay?

[lia-jones]

Growing Stronger - Chapter Fifteen - The Perfect Trap

“Victor wants to do what ?! Wait a minute.” I could barely believe my own ears, dropping the pile of documents and the coffee cup I was holding on my office desk. “Say it again, Terry.” I asked as I sat down.

“He wants to be discharged. Says he will sign the papers to leave. He actually wanted to leave today, but the doctor managed to convince him to stay until tomorrow, saying he had exams he needed to run.” Terry let out a frustrated sigh. “Could you please talk him out of it? He might listen to you.”

It was my turn to sigh. Victor was incredibly stubborn. I had a better chance of making a pig fly.

“I honestly don’t think I can help, Terry. It’s Victor we are talking about. When he gets something in that thick head of his--”

“It’s hard to convince him otherwise, I know. But you could at least try to get him to hire a nurse. He refused to. He is still not fully recovered.”

It seemed like I had my work cut out for me. I needed to get to Victor in a very good mood, use some hard logic with him, and maybe pull a little at his heartstrings. And even so, odds were against me.

To make matters even worse, the conditions I was working with weren’t anywhere near what I would need to persuade him. Victor was in a nasty mood most of the time, practically climbing the walls with boredom, eager to get back to work and get in on the action again. Terry gave him his laptop, hoping it would keep him somewhat busy, but it only made him more anxious to return to LFG. He also had been refusing to take painkillers since he had woken up, claiming they made his brain foggy, and thus,  he was in a lot of pain. And to add insult to injury, he had people around him coddling him. I could tell he was tired of it. Even when we dated, it was very clear he needed his alone time once in a while, maybe a little more than the ordinary person. At the hospital with me, his aunt, and the nurses flitting around him all the time, he was unable to find solace, and it was starting to drive him crazy. All these things made Victor insufferable and moody, and, for the time being, there wasn’t a lot that could be done to improve his mood and make him more receptive to new ideas.

That didn’t mean I wouldn’t try, though. I convinced his aunt to leave at 2 pm, and give him an hour alone until I got to the hospital at 3. One hour wasn’t enough for him to overload with work, but maybe if he recharged for a bit, I would find him in a better mood. I went home after lunch and baked him his favorite peanut butter cookies, which I had already been planning to do since he woke up. Hopefully, that would also make him happier.

I had a plan. It wasn’t a perfect plan, but it was a plan, nonetheless. I knocked on his bedroom door, but got no response. I slowly crept in, careful not to wake him up in case he was sleeping. He was lying down, very quiet, his eyes closed. However, when you sleep with someone for quite some time, you tend to pick on some cues, so it was evident to me that he was not sleeping, but avoiding me. Not in a good mood then.  

“Victor?” I whispered. No response. “Giving me the silent treatment, are you?” Still no answer. “I can tell you’re not sleeping, you know. You snore when you sleep on your back.” I teased.

“I do not.” He refuted, opening one eye.

I smiled mischievously at him, having caught him in his lie. He scoffed at me.

“I was trying to sleep when a certain someone came and interrupted my rest.” He complained.

“Oh, I’m sorry, then.” I pretended to believe his lie. “I actually needed your help with something, but I can come back later.” I started gathering my things, hoping he would take the bait. “I even brought cookies to reward you for your trouble.”

“What do you need my help with?” He asked, his eyes wide open now, watching me.

“Nothing important.” I shrugged. “You need to rest, I’ll come back later.” I tried to sound casual, knowing he was falling into my trap.

“I’m already up, you can tell me what it is.” He elevated the head of his bed to sit up, clearly interested. “What is it?”

I refrained from smiling. Gotcha.

“Well, remember when you said I needed an assistant? I have all these resumes, but really need some help deciding who I should interview. I’ve never had an assistant before.”

I could swear I saw Victor’s eyes twinkle briefly, his expression becoming focused. There was nothing that Victor loved more than being useful, especially if it was for someone close to him; one of the traits I admired in him the most. He seemed standoffish to most people, but he was actually extremely giving. I handed him the pile of resumes I had in my briefcase. He gave me a mocking, dismissive look.

“Did you bring coffee with those cookies?”

“I didn’t.” I palmed my forehead playfully. “Let me correct my mistake.”

I went down to the cafeteria to get us coffee. When I returned, Victor looked perfectly happy, a determined look in his eyes, organizing the resumes into piles. He took the coffee from my hand and nibbled on a cookie from the box in the table beside him, while he explained his method.

“I divided them into three piles. The best candidates are in this pile, these are the ‘Maybe’...” He pointed at the piles in front of him.

“The ‘Hell no’ pile?” I joked, pointing at the pile in front of me, that he hadn’t mentioned yet.

“I was going to say ‘Unfit’, but that works too.” Victor smirked at me. “You can put that one away, we won’t be needing it.”

“Are the cookies to your liking, Mr. Lee?” I asked.

“Acceptable.” Victor bit another cookie, trying to hide his smile.

“I didn’t have the time to make them in your favorite shape, I apologize for that.” I smiled, teasing him. He coughed slightly, the memory of the bachelorette party still very present in his mind.

“Shut up.” He said, swallowing the piece of cookie he had in his mouth. “I still haven’t fully recovered from that.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his uneasiness. For someone so poised and collected, he was too easy to tease sometimes.

“Do you really need my help or are you here just to ridicule the injured?” He pretended to be offended.

“You are right, I’m sorry.” I picked up a resume from the ‘Maybe’ pile. “Ok, this one clearly belongs to the ‘Hell no’ pile.” Victor snatched the paper from my hands, reading it.

“Why? She has experience, speaks other languages. Not as experienced as the other, but not a bad choice either.”

“She’s wearing a cat sweater! In her resume! If I’m not careful, I’ll end up having a cat shrine in my office.” I joked.

“So? Tell her you’re allergic to cat pictures.” He joked back, making both of us laugh. “I’ll admit it’s a poor fashion choice, but she has the skills. She belongs in the ‘Maybe’ pile.” Victor put the resume back in its original place, not before I got another resume from that pile.

“And this guy! Look at his eyes. He has the eyes of someone that will kill you in your sleep.” I didn’t really mean it, but it was too fun to tease Victor.

“Don’t sleep on the job then. Are you taking this seriously? Don’t make me waste my time.” He scolded, but I could see he was having fun too.

We went together through the piles, leaving me with five candidates to interview, and two replacements. I was putting away the resumes in my briefcase when I decided to bring the subject up.

“So, your aunt tells me you want to discharge yourself tomorrow.”

Victor gave me a dirty look.

“Is that why you’re here?” He scoffed, his bad mood returning in a blink of an eye.

“No. I came to see you and I could use your help. I’m just commenting, that’s all.” I felt bad for lying, but it wasn’t a complete lie. I would’ve done those things, eventually, if his aunt hadn’t called. “But now that we are talking about it, don’t you think it’s a bit premature? I know the situation isn’t ideal, I know you well enough to imagine why you can’t stand it, but wouldn’t it be wise to wait until you have recovered a little bit more?”

“You’re not just commenting, you are trying to convince me into changing my mind. Don’t think I can’t see right through you.” Victor spat, clearly finished with the subject.

“Look, I just want to make sure that you are considering all the factors at stake here. You can barely walk, you still have trouble moving your arm. How are you going to cook for yourself, or even get a shower? Who will be with you if the pain gets worse?”

“Do you think I’m incapable of taking care of myself?” His tone showed a hint of annoyance and anger. I had taken a wrong turn in this conversation.

“I know you are perfectly capable, when you are healthy.” I looked at him with earnest eyes. “Either way, if you decide that is what you need to do, you won’t hear from me ever again. But you have to admit there are risks. What if you slip on the shower and get injured? Better to be in the hospital for three additional days than end up having to stay fifteen more due to a fall. If you really want to do this, at least hire a nurse.” I urged.

“To help me shower?” Victor raised an eyebrow at me. “Do you really see that happening?”

“Why, you didn’t like the sponge baths here?” I bantered, trying to lighten the mood.

“Would you like a sponge bath yourself? I can call you a nurse.” He bantered back, his face serious.

“Would the nurse be a hot male? Maybe I wouldn’t mind.” I playfully wiggled my eyebrows at him.

Victor looked away, giving me a frustrated scoff.

“Ok, let’s drop the subject. Just think about it, ok?” My tone was soft. “I just want you to be safe.”

His expression softened.

“I’ll take your words into consideration, though I can’t promise I will agree.”

Being here with Victor, having coffee and cookies, even in a hospital room, reminded me of past happy moments. It didn’t matter if we were together or apart, our relationship status did not change the companionship we had developed during the time we were friends and lovers. I felt completely at home with him, and I was perfectly aware he felt the same way too. Victor had a side of him he didn’t show to just anybody, but made easily available to me. And it was so familiar to me now that I could hardly remember the aloofness and severity in him, that made me dislike him at first.

We were talking and sipping our coffee, when suddenly his aunt erupted into the room.

“I got the answer to all our problems! The perfect solution.”

“If you are trying to deter me from leaving, let me tell you in advance it’s pointless.” Victor warned.

“No, not at all!” She was almost panting with excitement. “You get to go home, and you won’t be at risk.”

“Let’s hear that miraculous idea then.” Victor furrowed his eyebrows, still unconvinced. “What do you have in mind?”

“Well, to be honest, it’s not actually my idea.” She sat, gesticulating while she talked. “I went to LFG to hand them those documents you signed, and your assistant’s wife came to ask how you were. The subject of you wanting to leave came up, and she offered a very reasonable solution.”

Diane offered the solution? This couldn’t be good.

“Which is?” Victor’s impatience was undeniable now. Even I was starting to get annoyed at how long Terry was taking to get to the point.

“Well, you want to go home but you need someone to be with you right?” Terry started.

“I don’t need-” Victor tried to argue, but his aunt wouldn’t let him.

“You do! You can barely walk! But you don’t want a stranger in your house, understandably. So we ask someone with whom you feel at ease, who knows you well, and, most importantly, who endures your moods.” She glared at him during this last part, and I stifled a laugh.

“And where can we find such a saint?” Victor’s tone was dripping annoyance at this point.

“Right beside you.” Terry said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Andrea could go. You would do that, wouldn’t you, sweetie?”

I froze at her question. Instinctively, I looked at Victor and found him looking at me, apparently trying to read my expression. And for what seemed like an eternity, neither of us was capable of uttering a single word.