#it’s much more common for autistic people to fall into abusive and manipulative relationships

[scary-narco-psychopath]

Blog introduction/common misconceptions

Brief intro post so people aren’t totally off put by my username/photo/misunderstanding what it’s all supposed to mean. Hi, I’m a self identified psychopath and narcissist. In this context these words mean something different to me than their clinical definition. I am 18 years old, American, and my gender is irrelevant. To answer your most pertinent questions:

No, I do not murder people for fun (or for work, for that matter)

No, I do not kick puppies and torture newborns

No, I do not derive pleasure from others suffering (not very often, anyway—it takes a real asshole for me to wish harm unto someone)

No, I am not an abuser, manipulator, or generally an asshole. I’m actually a pretty normal and nice person if you know me irl—you wouldn’t even know I’m a narc/psycho at all.

Yes, I respect other people’s existence and have basic cognitive empathy—treat others as you would like to be treated. Basic stuff.

Purpose of blog/why call yourself that?

I identify this way because I do not fit into a conventional category of mental illness for the reasons stated above (and many more), yet I find myself perpetually isolated, alone, and alienated from the “shared human experience” that unites the rest of society (supposedly anyway).

To be fair, I am clinically diagnosed—with depression and anxiety—but that is much besides the point. The issues for which I made this blog have hardly anything to do with my Major Depressive Disorder or my Generalized Anxiety Disorder (though, to be honest, they do exacerbate some of the symptoms of those conditions).

In essence, I have discovered I lack many basic, fundamental “normal” human traits, including but not limited to:

Genuine love and attachment to people and living things. I do not form bonds or real “relationships” in the proper sense—to me, people are functionally objects. I will treat them with great care, but only to the degree required of me. Furthermore, If they leave my life, I will not miss any of them.

Sharing of emotion, or “affective empathy” — I do not “feel for” other people. I do not rejoice in their happiness. I do not grieve in their despair. When I hear of tragedies or witness horrific violence, I feel barely anything more than casual disdain for the world. The only thing I really care about with people I know is if they have something in jealous of or if they can provide me with something I desire. Other than that, I have no genuine interest in them and their emotions.

Interest outside of myself and my image—kind of explained in the last point, but I am very narcissistic—I think largely about myself, almost all of the time, and there is little thought I dedicate to other people—when i genuinely try to “think” about others, it is highly forced and unnatural. I try to be subtle as I can about my narcissistic tendencies, but ultimately all I genuinely care about is my own happiness and personal whims—the service of others is secondary.

Ability to grieve or “feel gratitude”

There’s probably more I’m forgetting but those are some basics about me. Basically, I’m externally “functional” and have enough decency and cognitive empathy to distance me from the label of ASPD, as well as not enough trauma or disruptive symptoms to have NPD. I am also not autistic (though I’ve had some doubts in the past). However, I fall in a grey line between normal and abnormal, and the perpetually isolating reality of my condition is crushing to me. Hence why I’m here, making this blog.

I suppose part of me wants to hope someone out there feels a little bit like me, too—not because I care about those people, but so that I don’t feel quite as painfully alone.

Or maybe this blog is just another way to stroke my huge ego and fill the boundless void inside me that craves constant and endless attention from people.

Follower rules

All that aside, I hope you enjoy my blog. Almost anyone is welcome to browse or interact, regardless of mental health status, as long as you are not an asshole or acting aggressively and hatefully. Feel free to drop me questions in my inbox about anything, related to these topics or even random questions. Keep in mind I have the right to decline a question if I deem it too personal or wish not to answer, but I invite you to ask whatever you want—respectfully of course.

You are not welcome on my blog if you are:

Transphobic

Homophobic

Racist

Xenophobic

Bigoted

A Zionist

A nazi

I believe that’s all for an intro post. Sorry for making it SO long, just wanted to be thorough and establish a clear idea of what this blog is for, what the rules are, etc. I hope you enjoy your time and stay sane out there! It’s a crazy world <3

[faerygardens]

Trying to put to words who the concept of quackcicle really grossed me out and I finally figured out all I need to say on it

[quiet-in-the-wild]

Autistic Headcanon, Teddy from Bob’s Burgers 

Hope you are liking the series so far! As I mentioned earlier most of the characters from Bob’s Burgers are neurodivergent. (I love Teddy he is probably my favorite character) I could definitely see Teddy being autistic. Here are some examples I’ve compiled:

Teddy has difficulty in social situations, one example is when he tries to flirt with Angie, Linda’s new friend who sells essential oils, the episode “Lorenzo’s oil? no Linda’s”

He struggles to understand unwritten social rules. 

He takes things literally.

He is clumsy and often gets hurt on the job- however he is hyposensitive- meaning he has a high pain tolerance, as shown in, “Housetrap” when he falls off the roof. He also loves big hugs (also a sign of sensory seeking sensitivities)

He has a routine, eating lunch, specifically a burger of the day, at Bob’s Burgers, and is very upset when his routine has changed. 

There is something called samefood- which basically means autistic people tend to find one or a couple of foods that aren’t sensory hell and we tend to just eat those same foods over and over because we can rely on it. Teddy’s samefood is a beef burger with fries. He is upset if it’s a veggie burger, “Friends with Burger-fits" and he is upset if there aren’t fries, “The Horse Rider-er”

He is resistant to change and doesn’t like unexpected changes. 

He is not that great at small talk and tends to over share. In “All that Gene” he accidentally shares with Kathleen, that he’s going home to poop instead of asking her if she want’s coffee (which is what he probably rehearsed)

He is unaware/unable to control his vocal volume especially when he is excited. 

He vocal stims while listening to Jazz music, in “The Secret Ceramic’s room of Secrets” 

He was in a narcissistic relationship with his ex wife. Autistic people tend to experience emotionally abusive relationships because we are, generally trusting, take things as literal, and have often had a history of emotionally abusive relationships or childhood bullying and because of this, unfortunately we can be easy to manipulate. 

He has meltdowns, the first example that comes to mind is when he has to confront his hoarding in  “Thanks-Hoarding” 

He doesn’t take directions well- he has difficulty comprehending and applying directions. So many examples for this one, “Thanks-Hoarding” and “Christmas in the Car” are the first too examples I can think of. 

He definitely is verbose which is a common autistic trait. Meaning he uses a lot more words than is needed when he is talking.

Again, I think character analysis is so helpful when you’re in that self discovery phase of realizing you’re autistic. It helped me so much to see actual examples of autistic behavior, since sometimes I am a visual learner. 

[argaliaofficial]

i started typing this earlier but then had to go to work so now im just gonna finish it so i get it off my chest

back when i was with my first ex, meg, we went to this private christian school i prolly made a post about this on here before but its topical right now i didnt sleep at all and im tired enough to spill my fucking guts out some more 

so anyway we went to this private christian school and thats when it happened. ive honestly repressed a lot of my time there i was not doing great but what i do remember just makes me feel sick. like, meg aside, the school just sucked. 

for context the way it was set up was that we had “placement tests” to see where we were in subjects like math and english, and however we did made us get placed in PACEs according to our skill level. in theory this is fine i suppose, but the thing was that there were no alternatives to the PACEs. 

PACEs were part of the learning curriculum of our school which was ACE- Accelerated Christian Learning. they were basically little study pamphlets that went over instructions on how to learn certain subjects and whatnot, while also having a christian perspective on things. scripture verses were abundent in them, and they had like a continuous series of comics going in there about their character Ace Virtuson and friends. 

Along with the PACEs, the classrooms were set up like an “office” of sorts with cubicles that you sat in. For me honestly that was one of the many hells because it was so cramping and clinical and I just do not learn well in that sort of environment. so you’d sit quietly for like 8 hours a day with occassional breaks with nothing but your PACE pamphlets to work on. you couldnt speak to any body, and if you needed help, there was a flag system in place where you’d put a flag up and have to sit around and wait for a teacher to come assist you, and usually their assistance only lasted briefly because theres countless OTHER students to get to, and nepotism is a thing and if they dont like you or think of you as a problem kid, you’re less likely to get the aid you need.

i was one of those problem kids. 

early on, i could manage that set up when my work was easier, but when i hit “high school age” and got into more advance work i began to suffer horribly. it didnt help that at this time, i got with meg, but less about her right now and more about how this school system fucking failed me and others tbh 

i do not learn by reading information. at least, i dont retain it. i need to discuss with people, with my peers and professors. i need one on one sometimes, especially with math- my biggest struggle. but how the school was set up made that sort of learning almost impossible. your peers were all at different levels, so group discussion was rare. their were attempts, but they never lasted long, and the extent of the help basically surmounted to the teachers just reading what the PACEs already said and vaguely explaining more, and that blew. 

so, me, being a hands on group learner who has to talk and listen to even retain information and needs to be allowed to move around often instead of being cramped up, started to fall behind in my studies. badly. and of course, instead of the teachers trying to asses WHY it was you were falling behind, you got written up and had to have your parents sign a slip. you could get written up for a few things and these were always detentions of sorts. usually they were lunch but if you were bad enough you’d get an after school one. i accumulated these almost once a day and after a while i got tired of having my parents sign them EVERY SINGLE day and just forged their signatures. i got away with that like 75% of the time lol 

like they were just for the same shit ‘oh ur kid didnt do their homework blah blah ur kids out of dress code blah blah” and so i was just “whatever” because like... nothing seemed to change i was just being perpetually punished for being unable to keep up in my studies. my parents tried to get a math tutor for me but halfway thru i think freshman year she moved and that was that

i got so fucking sick of just being behind while my other peers seemed to be moving forward that i started bullshitting my work just to get thru. ofc that didnt do anything because i wasnt learning the work, and because i lied about my answers and cheated i got punished again. and i was just like “whatever” 

i cried all the time. parent teacher conferences were hell. i always cried. it felt like i couldnt convey to them why i was such a fuckup. like i wasnt making sense, or i was being overemotional. instead of trying to make changes they just talked about how i had to work harder. least i think. i’ll be honest i always just disassociated during those meetings before going into meltdown mode.

on top of that, i was in a “gay” relationship with a classmate, and lots of bad stuff happened. ive always had an overactive imagination. great for being a wannabe artist. not so great when youre already an easily manipulated undiagnosed autistic child. me, her, and my current gf actually had our own little world! thinking back on this now, for me at least it was escapism to try and just cope with how miserable i was at school 

i dont know how soon in the “relationship” it was before things got sexual. my concept of time during those years at foursquare is so scattered. according to posts ive seen on dA me and her were together or at least “friends” for 2 years? so actually i think my saying “freshman year in high school” is inaccurate and things got bad the tail end of middle school and continued until i was a sophomore before switching schools.

ANYWAY, so yeah, along with all this school nonsense, i was in a gay relationship, one that was abusive in many aspects. ofc at the time i didnt know that i was being abused! i just thought yknow her forcing herself into me sexually was kinda par the course and i was already kinda a sexually curious kid growing up so like.. i was looking for that i guess? it hurting cuz she went in dry is just to be expected, yadda yadda. pretty sure i cried? and i know for a fact that i still sleep in the room where she raped me like that and its sometimes just “yea i was literally right in that spot when i was raped lol”

and she would constantly want me to touch her sexually too, and when i said “no” and pulled my hand away that she had been trying to force down her pants because i wasnt personally ready to do that she’d always complain and make me feel bad cuz i wasnt comfortable touching her. “i always get you off but you never get me off!” 

and at the time i didnt just tell her to fuck off cuz i didnt know any better. i didnt know that it was ok for me to not be ready to do that. i thought i was a bad person for not being ready to pleasure my partner, even tho its not my fault if shes ok w/ pleasuring me, and im ok with being pleasured (even tho tbh it was hit or miss sometimes she just did it lol), but im not ready to touch her, i guess? and like i tried to communicate with her and im pretty sure i told her that if she didnt wanna jerk me off cuz i couldnt do it to her yet that was fine but whatever

on the fourth of july she started groping me out in public while we watched the fireworks and i remember trying to get her to stop cuz i wasnt comfy with doing this in public cuz a) this was years ago and homophobia was a lot more common especially in this boonies town and b) i dont like seeing other couples being handsy in public so i dont want to be handsy in public either

and i remember while shes groping my chest and im trying to get her to stop theres this group of older kids in front of us and they see. and they start snickering. they started snickering at the sight. and i was so mortified and wanted to die.

looking back those kids should get hit by a fucking bus for laughing at someone getting molested and being obviously uncomfortable with it but i guess its funny cuz “lesbians! haha look at that pervy lesbo touching that other lesbian!”

and thats the story of why every fourth of july i want to kill myself

things kept progressing, ofc. i remember one night, while we were camping, i finally caved and fingered her. i forced myself to think “yeah ok i can do this” and i just thought the crippling anxiety i felt was cuz i was nervous to be intimate with my girlfriend for the first time like this, but really i was probably scared she was gonna hurt me since by that point she had. she had made herself perfectly clear in her mannerisms and tone of voice that she was stronger and bigger than me and could hurt me. 

and a few occasions she did. one time she started choking me so badly that i honestly thought “oh my god, shes going to kill me here at school”. i still sometimes feel her nails digging into my throat, and i dont think ive ever been as terrified in my life as i was in that moment. i dont think she would have stopped had a teacher not intervened. 

there was only one time i ever hit her, and that was before school started, and i had finally lost my shit over how much she kept fucking with me. all i remember was i came to school angry at her. over what i dont remember. she was always toying with my emotions, and i think that it had built up over the time that i finally snapped walked into class before school started, walked over to where she and alyss were talking, and a slapped her across the face before i walked over to my desk

i dont think i got in trouble for that cuz no one snitched? idk i mightve, but i didnt care. i was angry at her, angry at the school, and suicidal. 

i remember one time during a break i was crying. a teacher from another class came up to me and asked what was wrong. i told her i wanted to die. she just looked at me all uncomfortable. i think she mightve said something before walking off?

nothing came of that. 

i was more worried that i would get in trouble for being in a gay relationship than as apposed to thinking that these teachers- people who are supposed to protect their students- would help me. i gave up on them even recognizing the signs of me being abused. i feel like they wouldnt have even taken it as seriously as we were both “girls”, and this was back before talk of how women can be abusive was more common place. abuse was still strictly seen as male on female violence. and to some people, gay violence was comedic. 

eventually, one night, it all came to light. at least, that she and i were sexually involved. that week was a blur. she was taken out of school. it was brushed under the rug. everyone trying to save face i guess and keep other kids from finding out, but somehow i always felt like they knew. they knew that she was taken out of school because of me. because we were gay

i tried to move on, but my studies never got better. i just grew more jaded. i never did any work. i mouthed off to the teachers, continued getting detentions and just plainly stopped caring. no one could get me to do anything. i would play hooky. 

and that was just.... my life. perpetual anger at a system that failed me spectacularly. to this day i still hate that place. i cant be there. i was groped and molested and it was treated like nothing

so yeah

thanks for listening to my ted talks

[writersriot]

Review: Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel by Sara Farizan

At Armstead Academy, everyone knows everything about everyone. Well, everyone thinks they know everything...

Leila has made it most of the way through Armstead Academy without having a crush on anyone, which is a relief. As an Iranian American, she’s different enough; if word got out that Leila liked girls, life would be twice as hard. But when beautiful new girl Saskia shows up, Leila starts to take risks she never thought she would. As she carefully confides in trusted friends about Saskia’s confusing signals, Leila begins to figure out that all her classmates are more complicated than they first appear to be, and some are keeping surprising secrets of their own.

This was a decent book. Entertaining if I ignore some issues with it. Some spoilerish discussion of the characters and plot below.

I love the #ownvoices for lesbian and Iranian American perspectives. Leila was an empathetic character as she traversed high school and first love and family. I wish I connected with her more, but I could say that for all the characters. Leila was also unapologetically lesbian, she thought about her attraction to women in the narration, which was actually kind of refreshing. She wasn’t out yet to anyone else, but she was openly out to herself, and that was an important aspect to me. It was not done with any subtlety, nothing in this book was, but I could go with it.

Leila’s family was a little stereotypical, but I think their love for each other more than made up for it. The friends Leila makes in the school play were also subverted a bit because Leila assumes all the stagehand girls are lesbians. Turns out they’re not, but they still each fit into a certain type of mold. Even Tomas, the gay boy in theatre is often treated like a pet by the “cool girls.”

Again, not too much of an issue. Characters and plot lines I’ve seen before made for a really easy read. It was mostly fluffy, but I did have some problematic issues with it, which I’ll cut here for my long thoughts for those interested.

Trigger warning for discussion of an abusive relationship that happens in the book.

Firstly there’s Saskia, who is portrayed as a crazy bitch. The book’s words, not mine. Saskia is also a stereotype of an unhinged manipulative sociopathic character who becomes the antagonist. I felt bad for Leila, but she also seemed terribly preoccupied with Saskia’s attractiveness to the point that it outweighed some of the horrible shit she does to Leila (in Leila’s mind for most of the book). I’m not victim-blaming at all, because Saskia absolutely manipulates and verbally and physically/sexually assaults Leila against her will a number of times. But sometimes Leila focus on how gorgeous Saskia is instead of that fact. Sometimes I was just like, “Wake up!! You don’t like what she’s doing to you right now, no matter how pretty she is!” But maybe that was just to show how much Saskia messed with Leila’s mind?? I feel like it was just hormones over common sense at this point.

It isn’t until almost the end that Leila has an ah-ha moment regarding Saskia. And it literally goes like, “Oh. This bitch is crazy.” I don’t like that ableist word, especially when someone is “unhinged” the way Saskia is portrayed. I mean, her behavior is obviously deplorable, but I don’t think anyone at any point suggests she needs help. Instead, her parents are usually absent so she is without supervision and free to do whatever she wants. Saskia was basically messing with anyone and everyone because she could. She needs help. Whatever. I just didn’t appreciate a one-sided “crazy” girl being the antagonist in this slice of life story. It happens too often for my liking. But I do think it was important to portray an abusive queer relationship because so often they can go unacknowledged in the community and elsewhere. But maybe if it had been portrayed with more...empathy? Maybe I’m expecting too much from YA, but honestly I don’t think so. It can be done.

Anyway, I also liked Lisa, who is Leila’s childhood best friend. They had grown distant in high school, but they start reconnecting in this book. Lisa is at first one of the “cool girls” and for most of the book she seems fairly distracted and absent due to a tragedy in her life. She basically comes out as queer to Leila, which helps the two become friends again. More than friends. In fact, it feels like the moment Lisa is maybe an option for Leila, they actually head in that direction. Like just because Lisa could be an option then Leila could fall for her??

I can understand Lisa having feelings for Leila since they were kids, but I didn’t get the reverse so much. I think Leila missed her former close friend, but that the girl she knew isn’t the same girl as in high school. And I didn’t get any real consideration or longing on Leila’s side other than, again, appreciating Lisa’s beauty. Leila might just be pretty shallow lol. Maybe it was just so easy for Leila to fall for Lisa that I didn’t notice the point at which she was truly interested in dating her. *shrug* I’m asexual/aromantic and autistic though, so maybe I was missing the cues. Or maybe the characterization was mostly shallow and one-sided for just about everyone??

But Lisa was protective and supportive at the end, and I still liked them together and wanted them to be girlfriends after the disaster of Saskia, so it was a HEA for them.

The only thing that really got me near the end is that Lisa says she likes some boys too, so Leila asks if she’s bisexual and Lisa answers, “Can’t some things just be? I’m a Leilabian for all I know.” At this point I’m dragging my hands down my face because I just want a possible bisexual character to SAY they are bisexual. It’s not too much to ask for, I swear. I think the teacher Ms. Taylor also started to say she once had a lesbian phase in college though she only dates men now. (In fact Ms. Taylor was way too close to Leila for a teacher-student relationship and they probably shouldn’t have been discussing her romantic/sex life.) There’s also Saskia who sexually manipulates more than one gender. It’s just...why. Why did the author feel the need to have this kind of bisexual rep??

I also felt like the constant name dropping of product brands was unnecessary and made me feel like the author was just trying to relate to younger people. I don’t know, it’s just a pet peeve of mine, I guess. It always throws me out of a story when name brands are dropped. I end up thinking about those specific things instead of the story that mentions them. A little thing, but it grates me.

But overall, I liked that this book had some good representation for lesbian and Iranian girls, which there needs to be more of. The bisexual representation and ableism could have been fixed with some good sensitivity beta readers. It should have been fixed, anyway, before being published but at this point I’m not surprised anymore, just disappointed with how much some of this seems to be subconscious for authors. And editors. And agents. And publishers. Dude, the sheer number of people who needed to sign off on representation like this is just mind blowing. Anyway.

This was a simple plot and an easy read yet still treated the abusive Saskia and Leila relationship with some maturity in recognizing that Leila might need to get help from other adults in her life and such. I wanted a little bit more on that side of events, but the book hinted at a lot of stuff in the future for the characters that would go beyond the scope of this book. I felt like Leila and Lisa’s story was just starting by the end, and I wanted more. I wanted to know more about them and the lives of their families and the lives of the somewhat interesting supporting characters. The ending was definitely rushed, and there could have been more depth to this story and the character motivations at times. There was a lot of telling where there needed to be showing, etc. But as such, it felt more like the younger end of YA, and it was fairly enjoyable.

Onto the next book~