#it’s mostly for hearing stuff/APD

[thatdeadaquarius]

after scrolling through your posts i felt complelled to send an ask (i wonder why)

This kinda? relates to all the languages posts you've been making (was giggling and kicking my feet while reading them, and got inspired) but because I only speak English, I wanted to put a twist on it.

Creator who has audio processing issues and doesn't realise that Teyvat DOES actually speak the same language as them for a good while.

Because as a person with very good hearing, i sure don't fucking understand what people are saying most of the time, especially in big crowds. (its like listening to the sims sometimes man, i'm fighting for my life trying to understand😭)

So imagine a Creator getting dropped into Teyvat and getting found by a group of hunters or treasure horders, who instantly start panicking and talking all at once because 'omg our god is here' and all that.

And the Creator is still confused and diorientated, so all they're hearing is ✨words✨and they just assume that no one in Teyvat will understand them.

And then when they arrive in one of the nations and get to meet the vision bearers for the first time, the Creator makes a thirsty comment about one of them (probably would be Diluc in my case) and the entire crowd just goes SILENT.

So silent that the Creator can perfectlly understand what that vision bearer said in response.

Anyway, i love your blog :) not sure when you're going to get this, time zones are funny, but I hope you like it

Giggling and kicking?? Over my stuff??? 🥺🥺🥺💘💘💘 You sneaky little charmer ✨️

ALSO

AUDIO PROCESSING DISORDER ASK!!!!?????!!!!

:D

IM IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING TO GET ADHD DIAGNOSIS AND GOT AN APD TEST NOT TOO LONG AGO BC THOUGHT I HAD IT!!

FRIENDO!! THIS IS INCREDIBLE!!! ✨️✨️✨️🌸🌸🌸

Have a cookie!! 🤲🍪 tysm for the ask im very very happy to see it!! :D!!

(subliminalmessagingyouwillgoclicktheaskbuttonandsendmeanasksubliminalmessaging)

AHFJDLLAHFAAJSK!! LOSING IT OVER THIS!!

(Me from the future editing: Sorry i wrote an entire sloppy written scenario over this its diluc focused, jfc sorry and i hope u get smth outta it 💀)

Oh good lord you being some kind of Creator god after getting sucked into the goddmn video game world is absolute HELL for your APD

Aint nobody tellin u nothing bc i can totally see that scenario happening bc everyone is like blabbering at you constantly, they all wanna get close to you to talk so its just [insert that general cafe crowd noises here]

Like u wish u had lofi to go with it bc u sure as hell cant get a word in edgewise

I know i keep writing abt Mondstadt, mostly bc first city -> intro to game -> therefore you land there

But i promise ill branch out guys but i got an excuse this time u mentioned Diluc 🔥

Honestly bc u probably arent trying to talk back to them (which they dont rlly know why? Bc they totally have heard ur voice while u were in ur world, when they were ur vessels)

They kinda assumed either A. You lost your voice B. You're overwhelmed, ppl r getting WAY too close to you, back off Npcs C. Or you don't speak THEIR language

So ofc Mondstadt brings you into the city and their planning a big ol festival, u came right in time for Windblume anyway, and by the time your done shaking hands and just waving and smiling (bc what else can u do u cant hear these fuckers, maybe u caught a "the" or a "hello" but you could've definitely been imagining it)

And finally you are free of the general crowd, but most of the Vision bearers (Allogenes) who were ur vessels wanna stick around, so u all end up in Angel's Share somehow

It's hella packed, and it's a bar.

So yeah u still can't hear shit, and now it just sounds like one of those fantasy medieval bar audios ambience videos

Ur just kinda kicking ur feetsies on a bar stool while like,, 4 or 5 differrent special character dishes are sitting in front of you

Diluc's behind the bar, and has been so sweetly attentive to you all evening, no matter how many tipsy patrons come up yelling for refills or drinks (or at least thats what u assume, bc u kinda end up just,, jumping and hitching ur shoulders up and trying to be lowkey about covering ur ears...)

He always comes and refills ur glass when it gets to even half-full, swiping away plates that have gone cold, and if you still want smth off of it, he's so perceptive no language needed bc he just sees your face and starts heating up the plate again with his vision with his hand :)

He's actually been the best thruout all this bc he already isn't super talkative, so ur pretty sure you've only seen his mouth open a few times, but otherwise u just communicated with him via actions/expressions

So ur chilling, well sorta, ur starting to kinda get overstimulated by the day and now this loud ass bar, and the fact that ur convinced no one speaks English here...

But hey!

Diluc's cool, u got food, and maybe u can charade to him u wanna find somewhere to retire to now for the night,,

You try and do that but he's pretty busy running around still,

"Damn, at least I get to see his ass though."

.

..

...

Diluc freezes.

You freeze.

Jean, Lisa, Venti, Amber, Kaeya, Rosaria freezes.

The whole bar goes silent.

Their god of gods finally spoke.

Oh they can understand you alright. (Also u were looking right at Diluc when you said it so, kinda obvious who u mean, somebody points to you behind Diluc)

Diluc just kinda,, sputters, like jerkily turns around and everything like a fried robot

"I- ahem- I- um- y-your Grace- I-"

Poor guy.

He doesn't even know what to say 🤷‍♂️

He has been progressively getting closer and closer to his hair color, his cheeks, his neck, his ears its a full white boy flush he cant escape its so obvious (should he say thank you? How do u even begin to thank a god for complimenting ur ass??!!)

He's caught between facing you and turning around and ducking back into the kitchen and never coming out again (unless it's just you two)

...Was it always this hot in here? Or did Diluc do this to you? 😵‍💫

(Well at least it's a lot quieter now)

You take the next logical step in this situation, and gently let your head thud into the bar.

...

It's a tie between Venti and Kaeya who busts out laughing first.

CHRIST ALMIGHTY IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I HOPE TUMBLR MAKES IT "READ MORE" BC I CANT FIND THAT OPTION ON MOBILE

IF U KNOW WHERE THAT BUTTON IS PLS LET A BITCH KNO 😭😩

UPDATE I FIGURED IT OUT FUCK YEAH

Cheers,

🌒🌊🌧Aquarius♒️🌌🌘

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Hello! I know you're one of the people who ship Moon and Solar (TSAMS) And y'all have gotten me into the ship as well! XD I'm not caught up on the lore of the show(s) So i haven't even seen Solar IN SHOW before (i am very behind to before Lunar was Sun and Moons brother :' D) But I have some ideas I'm debating writing for the ship buttt....I have no clue how Canon Solar acts??? Do you know if theres somewhere I could find a Summary on his personality? (and I suppose...new Moon?) I'll probably unintentionally make them OOC...never written for anything TSAMS related, but i'll try!

And is there a ship names thats...like used for them instead of Solar X Moon or is it just called that?

Anywho, I hope you have a good day/night!!! You make awesome stuff! (And I know theres been some people making drama over the ship, I hope you don't let them get to you too much tho!! <3 /P)

🦈Anon

AWESOME!

Heheheh. Thank you. I've been shipping these two since June 2023 so I'm glad I can share the brainrot and some people are more welcoming and cool then I expect. (mostly the ones who can't think critically are the youtube audience but that's expected. Since a lot of the youtube target audience are... like.. minors or really young adults who can't conceive the concept.)

I rewatch that Episode where Solar changes his name and rebuilds the Daycare in a week just for Moon constantly cause it's just... so much admiration and appreciation Moon has for Solar in that episode. I swear I don't know if it was a flub on the actor's part... but I swear Moon calls him 'sexy' as he's dragging him to charge. the stock sound effect of "OOOOH" doesn't help my APD and I've listened so many times and I have no possible idea what Moon could be saying to Solar other then 'come here you stupid, sexy-...." (trails off) sooo... idk. I might have misheard that severely but that's just what I'm hearing.

Like, in terms of New Lore of the show, it gets pretty complicated.

So complicated in fact, TSAMS themselves released a new video on the subject.... But it's NOT a very good guide, as it misses a lot of things. (and no I don't mean the stupid guest cameo stuff) this is more or less an abridged take on what happens with no emotional impact:

Like, this is a good starting point if you want the barest of bones, but it misses so much stuff. I think they don't even mention how Solar gets introduced into this family. lol. Just like "yeah Im here and I helped kill Eclipse" fheahehf. It's a super well made video though, and I don't mind the editing mistakes (clearly when the actors change the avatar on screen.... whoops. Happens a few times)

There is also the Fan Wiki, but as of now, it is incomplete, (@twinanimatronics is working tirelessly on updating the wiki and I wish they got more reconignition from the tsams community as a whole ) but it does give a decent look into Solar

There is also the huge TSAMS Lore Document, which Ceph(twinanimatronics) also worked on which contains a further detailed explanation of the story so far, for those who don't have time to watch 2 years worth of youtube content that aren't in a concrete playlist. (TSAMS. PLAYLIST YOUR STUFF PROPERLY. YOU HAVE TWO YEARS OF LORE HERE)

Liike.... yeah... this is okay but like..

This is VRchat. Aka the lore. Which also includes when they play videogames in VRchat, which don't impact the story... Like Uno, Amongus and SCP stuff.....

And it doesn't divide the arcs. Something that TSAMS severely needs more then any other SB Show channel.

Also, in the early days, the gameplay videos USED to be part of the lore. As the concept of Eclipse itself, being a rouge evil ai that lived in Sun's head (as it was presented initially but we know the truth it was the killcode moon planted in Sun when they separated.)

These days, they kinda dropped the gameplay videos being directly connected to the over arching plot. Other then just saying that their vids are pre-recorded or "we're back" after an annual halloween takeover.

Not to mention... When Earth and Lunar got a show, they became intertwined with the Sun and Moon show. LAES is very much it's own thing, but it's the ONLY Security Breach Show that consists of two Original Characters spawned from the Sun and Moon show. A rarity. So their lore continues off from the Sun and moon show, giving more info on Lunar these days and Earth (their sister)

Then you have the Monty and Foxy show (which is my least favorite of the shows... Personal Preference. I try not to complain cus I know some people like it. But I do not like the plot points in that show, or the character writing and weird directions they take while being connected to the same universe.)

And Monty is a character voiced by Davis, who also voices Sun. So Monty started out as a prominent character on the Sun and Moon Show, and then got his OWN show... at a point in TSAMS history after Eclipse got the star and killed Lunar.

So yeah. I wish the playlists were better organized here. So we knew when each era starts.

(people say Matpat should get on this show lore... And noooooooo no thanks. Keep him away. We got you covered. Ceph honestly has enough info to make a video guide at this point.)

But long story short, Solar is a "Good Eclipse" from another dimension that the Old Moon introduced to Lunar, when Lunar was struggling with his trauma of leaving Eclipse. Good Eclipse and Lunar become friends.

Anyway, here are some key episodes that outline NewMoon and Solar's relationship, as Solar had never met the Old Moon.

Old Moon had never met Solar. It was New Moon who introduced himself to Solar to help defeating Eclipse once and for all. (and by this point lunar had died)

He was actually surprised that this Moon was a chill Moon and could be reasoned with and talked to, considering he was living a rather oppressive life from his own Moon.

There's also a whole episode saga of just these two bantering and talking while they work on the satellite together. I can't remember which specific episodes those are.

You can also see the difference between the Evil Eclipse and Good Eclipse here in one of my all time favorite episodes:

Moon saving Solar's life: (also the death of the bad Eclipse)

Everything is good and happy after Eclipse dies for awhile. (aside of Ruin and Bloodmoon wrecking shit) He goes back to his own dimension... and you get to see what his sad life is like:

From his Moon calling him "byproduct" and failure very often.

But... Something happens and Solar is forced to come to Moon's dimension

here's Solar at his poor little meow meow "I have nowhere to go" stage and just... thought to go to Moon immediately due to their history.

Moon's only question about Solar moving in, is that if he wanted him to blacklist his dimension once he heard what was going on with his Moon.

And immediately, Solar jumps in to help Moon with his problems.

Also during the halloween takeover part 2 electric boogaloo, Solar was the one to help get Sun and Moon back after being teleported to a different dimension with no hopes of returning

Also, after Ruin was cured and Bloodmon ran off, Solar rebuilt the ruined Daycare in a week. And Moon is so grateful for it. (i rewatch this episode a lot. It cemented the ship in my mind and built the commodity that they've been building up for months)

We also get what Solar's daily life is like so far... How out of place he feels, being someone from a different dimension, despite the Brothers (and sister's) insistence, he still doesn't really feel like he's part of the family. He feels like an outsider. (He also has less opportunities to hang out with Lunar. As he expressed interest in playing games with him like the good old days, and as of recently, they have not yet)

also a good example of the Celestial family changing minds on family dynamics because they are robots. Lunar flat out rejected Vegeta-Animatronic is his brother even if he technically is. Like, they're robots. They can change their relationships to each other based on their word. I like to see it more flexible then it is in reality with actual people/humans.

Moon also trying to make Solar feel comfortable and feel like he's adjusting well here. Expressing his concern for him doing so much for him and his family. And hoping to not pressure him into so much work.

As of recently, his Sun died, and he killed his Moon. And in his therapy session (on the Lunar and Earth Show) he expressed regret over "Leaving" them...

But he has not properly told anyone about this.

My reasoning is that he probably thinks that the family will jump on the chance to call him "Evil" .....They don't have good luck with Eclipses.... and every Eclipse they met other than him has been Evil. (that must weigh on you. Every version of yourself is deemed as evil across every dimension. You are the only good one. Maybe there is something wrong with you)

I'm already at the video limit, but on Lunar and Earth show, there is an interesting episode where Lunar goes into Solar's head, and his mindscape looks like the Willy Wonka TV room, because it was a movie he watched with his Sun before they separated and Sun died. Showing that he did care about his Sun a whole lot... Which is probably why he doesn't interact with our Sun that much alone.

He also compartmentalizes everything before he can feel emotions, playing his own memories in third person as if he's not experiencing them.

Not to mention, he organizes and separates his thoughts on NewMoon and HIS Moon, just so he won't associate the two.

I also missed what episode it was, but Solar is always the first to call Moon out when he's being angry, or irrational, and Sun admits in his therapy session, that Solar is the only person who can calm Moon down. (mainly cus he's used to it, but unlike his old moon, this moon listens)

Anyway...

I love Solar a lot, can you tell?

[00-theguardians-00]

Hello im Finstel you can call me finley or fin!

This blog is still in work so yeaaah might undergo some changes

This blog is mostly about the guardian's so it's not only about the Xmas au if you want to ask one of them please tell me who and i will awnser :]

My other trumblr blog is called @morpheus-the-sandman hop in if you're interested and take a look around!

The pictures hight difference is by the way referenced by clowns drawing just so you know!

im not good at writing and my grammar isn't that great so forgive me for typos :'D I also didn't used Tumblr as much so I'm still

Important none of the stories are Canon to clowns og project!!

!! Boundaries!!

Yes you can

✅ make fanart absolutely tag me please!!!

✅ Shipping? Yes ofc but please only ocs sonas or yns yeah you can also ship Eddie and frank since I ship it too

✅ Im also okay with interactions trough I can't promise I will do all of them I mostly do what I feel like and if I don't feel like it I don't do it it also might take a bit

Donts❌

Please no applecest no wallycest no proships!!!❌

No nsfw with these aus mentioned here!!!❌

Don't do Ai bots of my aus I'm doing alredy bots but it takes a bit I get really exausted after a bit of working on bots like I get sleepy and all it takes a bit I know I'm working on them for quite a while now but still have patients I'm also not an expert when it comes to bots I'm still learning!! ( not sure if I make any ais of the aus here I see idk)

❌❌❌

Don't message me privately if I don't know you please if I know you for a bit from my comment section you can ask me if you can message me and I might say yes , please have patients with me I don't feel comfortable calling you my friend so soon so I just call you a mutual if I know you for a longer while I might call you a friend! I had a really bad experience with an ex friend of mine I knew since my childhood and that left marks , I might get easily overwhelmed or exausted so I might dip or don't talk at all please don't feel like I'm ignoring you or anything I'm not I'm simply not feeling like talking or it is to much at that day for me!❌❌❌

🌟Things about me that are important 🌟

my pronounce are she/her, he him, im genderfluid and aroace bisexual ❤️

I have auditory processing disorder or called

(APD )

Wich makes me slower I might forget alot of things or I also have hearing problems sometimes like when somone calls me it doesn't end up in my brain I'm also very sensitive so sounds loud notices specifically

I also take a while to understand things so be patient with me

(HSP ) I am a highly sensitive person

I also have social anxiety

I'm really sensitive like I would say emotionally there are often times where I do take things too serious or something please tell me talk to me about those things if I understand stuff the wrong way

I'm 23 years old and German

I only speak English and German I can't speak other languages

🌟Refs of my sillys🌟

What's the Xmas au about??

What is the Xmas au about??

Well I think you can guess Basacally they make gifts for everyone

Wolly Julie yn and Sally are outside to check the houses and make them ready for Santa home to enter before he comes

Eddie brings the letters from everyone to Santa home

Frank makes sure everything goes after plan

Howdy does work both as a shop keeper but also helps around and carries heavy things

Poppy well she bakes

Barnaby also helps around!

They are also able to travel trough aus

If one of them talks it's gonna be red

Because I'm planning on bringing in this blog also other aus so stay tuned!

[dissociacrip]

new pinned

☁️ mid-20s, they/them + neutral terms

🌙 complex/multiple trauma survivor

☁️ developmentally delayed, medically complex, neglected about all of it, & under-diagnosed

🌙 sighted (mild BVD) & hearing

☁️ PT/ambulatory mobility aid-user; i own a standard cane, forearm crutches, and a manual wheelchair

🌙 white + TME

support

etsy store - my original art

ko-fi - just a "tip" jar atm

more/disclaimers

"main" diagnostic stuff

☁️ autism (verbal+LSN), ADHD combined type, complex PTSD, severe MDD, etc.

🌙 congenital hypotonia, POTS, ambiguous lumbar spine disease w/ radiculopathy and pain flares, etc.

☁️ mild divergence excess/IXT and suspected ADN/APD but i'd say i navigate the world as a sighted/hearing person

things to know

i compulsively worry about my health and release that on this blog, the medical neglect is part of that as i'm having to play catch up, sorry

i'm a real-life person, not inspiration for fandom or original fiction (certainly not for free) unless i explicitly state otherwise

confusingly dissociative, obligatory not "anti-endo" but complex dissociative disorders =/= plurality

nonverbal & nonspeaking aren't terms for autistic people who can speak most of the time but have temporary episodes of speech loss

physical & mental disability aren't the same thing because of body-mind dualism but because they are separate (albeit overlapping) sociocultural constructs with different histories, etc., "mental illnesses are brain diseases" or any variation has never been a radical statement (yes this also means means you're not one of the cripples for having ADHD)

being nosy is mostly fine, go for it

that's the end, thanks for reading 🌌

[tiny-talks-big-tales]

Cyborg upgrades are... pending? Question mark?

In true ✨my life is hell✨ fashion things happen and look promising and then either stuff gets delayed or it just dissolves into the fucken aether or something, I don't know. Anyway. Status updates! This is honestly a great way for me to sort the chaos in my thoughts out as well.

New power wheelchair

Okay this one is mostly proceeding as expected. After the 1st fitting in April, they ordered like 40 parts to bring for the 2nd fitting. We had the 2nd fitting in June. During that, one of the more important parts was missing a mounting bracket (not their fault, shipment error somewhere along the way), otherwise we got to try most of the stuff as intended. It went okay, I sat without help from other humans in the chair for a while, which is huge! And it answered most of our remaining questions about how to configure the chair.

So after that 2nd fitting we had a list of 6 remaining things to sort, one of them being the missing mounting bracket, 2 of them being parts the local tech will handmake for me, and the remaining 3 being additional things to order in. The correct shape table, a different height and depth backrest, and a different type seat cushion. The cushion is made on demand and not kept in stock, so that's a 6 week wait. It gets made in Mexico at the Jay factory. For anyone who's curious it's a Jay J2 Deep Contour. Here's some funny photos for anyone who doesn't know what that is.

The cushion is made up of 3 main parts: Foam base, gel pad, and cover. Foam base is firm and can be cut to shape if needed, and takes the bulk of more rough pressure relief. Gel pad is, as the name implies, a thick-ass pad full of gel inside. It can shape with the body a bit and protects the skin by distributing pressure evenly. And the cover just goes around both for... cover reasons.

There's also extra blocks of foam that can be used to keep the legs and hips in the right spot by adding more edge to the sides and a bigger wedge between the thighs at the front. I'll be having that.

So yeah the wait between 2nd fitting and the upcoming 3rd fitting is PRIMARILY just waiting for this particular cushion. It should be here by first week of August, unless there's been delays. If all's well then 3rd fitting will be in 1st or 2nd week of August most likely.

And the 3rd fitting will double as delivery! Which means I'm super close to having a wheelchair again. I can't describe how hype that is after 9 months trapped in bed just because some bitch didn't wanna do her job.

Hearing aids (HAs)

The hearing central appointment was a disaster and they proceeded to deny further healthcare from there based on "hearing aids don't work for APD" (factually incorrect) and "you don't seem motivated" (dismissing my words as lack of motivation is mean tbh).

I've sent an appeal and a complaint about the way they spoke to me and the long stream of factually incorrect nonsense they made me listen to, such as "so hearing aids work by amplifying all the sounds equally much and you can't filter or be selectively louder in some things than others". I guess 20 EQ channels in proprietary audiology programming software and a dozen different noise filtering and clarity improving technologies are just there for decoration, then /s

While I wait to see the outcome of appealing that nonsense I went ahead and bought a used pair of Phonak Paradise HAs, that's the previous generation from Phonak and I got the version with telecoil (RT) and highest technology level (P90). I paid about a 1/5th of what the equivalent model in the current generation costs new.

That means I get to learn how to program HAs myself! It's gonna be fun. I'm waiting for a hardware device needed to connect them to the programming software in the mail, but the HAs themselves already arrived along with some small tidbit supplies I ordered.

"Fine, I'll do it myself. >:("

The AAC trial device

Something's wrong with the eye detector on it I think, no matter what we do it doesn't work right, so I gotta wait until my guy at the disability aid central is back from vacation to ask about that. At least this time it's technical errors, not human error. And I've been using the device plenty otherwise, just not with eye access. Keyboard and trackball go brrr.

Breathing sucks help

I have no idea what happened there. Went to the appointment, spirometry put me in the low yellow areas I think, got sent home with a sleep study kit, used that but unfortunately couldn't fall asleep while wearing it, got someone to deliver the kit back to the clinic... and then radio silence? Okay? Hmph. I'll nag my primary doc about it whenever he returns from vacation.

TL;DR

Possibly getting my new wheelchair in 1st or 2nd week of august, as long as no part deliveries are delayed and that's super exciting.

Hearing central appointment sucked and it would take a clever 7 year old approximately 5 minutes to debunk their claims with a fact check search online. But it's ok because I'll just do it myself then :) Bought some used hearing aids that I'll DIY the programming on.

The portable AAC device with eye access that I'm trialling has something not working right with the eye access part, but the dude who can help fix it is on vacation.

Breathing stuff appointment went okay, kinda bad but not horrid results as expected, then I failed the sleep study by not sleeping in it, and it's been radio silence since. The dude who can help with the radio silence is also on vacation.

I'm tired, boss ._.

[growing-as-a-group]

Stares into my An hc list

Anyways! -🌐🎧

An is genderflux! And he goes by any and all prns!

My dude has insomnia (due to the experiences she had within VOT like ghost and paranormal stuff)

Is Colorblind (Red weak colorblindness/Protanomaly)

They may or may not have heavy eye bags under her eyes from the lack of sleep

An does wear light make up and nail polish from time to time even if he isn't much of a cosmetics person

Yes you hear me right An is a Filipino

The small stars clips are a gift from Nagi, purple star clip and normal yellow hair clip given by Haruka

Speaking off which:

(An bought ALOT of those small hair clips Nagi gave her she likes putting them on people's hair (mostly vbs, Haruka and Mizuki) at random)

He has a matching bracelet with all of vbs!

Age regressor with no lean (also on the bigger side of regressing going from maybe 6-8 and 10 could be her highest at times main caregiver's are vbs and ken)

An owns 3 plushies! A husky named Koda, A blue lizard called Liz/Lizzy and the scented hamster Haruka got her named Ham/Hammy (And she has slipped one or two times when said plushies are within her reach)

She does have random bruises and scars from accidentally hurting herself when she was a child (She was very accident prone)

They actually has a chewelry necklace sometimes cause she needs the stimulation and just b i t e

He would fall asleep at any given time due to the fucked up sleep schedule of her insomnia (or just can't sleep at all)

An has the following:

AuDHD, APD, BPD, BD II, DPD

Tw for negative and a bit more darker hcs under the cut! 😅

Will push away any sort of negative feeling or absolutely will cry none stop for hours on end it's possibly a never ending cycle

She will always always try and help others in need and not think about herself for the most part if she does she will actually feel bad cause right now it shouldn't be about him and they should focus on others

Very indecisive with things due to her dpd and usually has to ask anyone she knows on what she needs to do at times

One time when he was young someone tried to take her away from vivid street (luckily the kidnapper is a stupidhead and did it in the middle of the day in vivid street and half the people there caught what was going on and took action to stop it)

Now An does get slightly uncomfortable when someone touches her hair or head without permission

[the-king-of-nighmares]

Hello im Finstel you can call me by fin, finley

This blog is still under work so there might come changes in the future

Warnings for this blog

There will be death

There will be also unsettling scenes staring and such

Somone that gets hurt ect gore probaly too not sure eather that or puppet Gore as I call it be warned, if any of these topics triggering. To you then don't click on it please thank you!

im not good at writing and my grammar isn't that great so forgive me for typos :'D I also didn't used Tumblr as much so I'm still

Important none of the stories are Canon to clowns og project!!

!! Boundaries!!

Yes you can

✅ make fanart absolutely tag me please!!!

✅ Im okay with interactions trough I can't promise I will do all of them I mostly do what I feel like and if I don't feel like it I don't do it it also might take a bit

Donts❌

Please no applecest no wallycest no proships!!!❌

Don't ship home with anyone please he's really toxic and absolutely not interested in any relationships he dosent care about feelings he dosent care about people 🙏❌

No nsfw im srs!!!❌

Don't do a Ai bot of him I doubt I do an Ai bot of him !! ❌❌❌

Don't message me privately if I don't know you please if I know you for a bit from my comment section you can ask me if you can message me and I might say yes , please have patients with me I don't feel comfortable calling you my friend so soon so I just call you a mutual if I know you for a longer while I might call you a friend! I had a really bad experience with an ex friend of mine I knew since my childhood and that left marks , I might get easily overwhelmed or exausted so I might dip or don't talk at all please don't feel like I'm ignoring you or anything I'm not I'm simply not feeling like talking or it is to much at that day for me!❌❌❌

🌟Things about me that are important 🌟

my pronounce are she/her, he him, im genderfluid and aroace ❤️

I have auditory processing disorder or called

(APD )

Wich makes me slower I might forget alot of things or I also have hearing problems sometimes like when somone calls me it doesn't end up in my brain I'm also very sensitive so sounds loud notices specifically

I also take a while to understand things so be patient with me

(HSP ) I am a highly sensitive person

I also have social anxiety

I'm really sensitive like I would say emotionally there are often times where I do take things too serious or something please tell me talk to me about those things if I understand stuff the wrong way

I'm 23years old and German

I only speak English and German I can't speak other languages

Blogs I will tag once I posted this

🌟Ref of my silly🌟

He will talk in red so you know

Here is poppy

Through I won't tell you what her porpose is just yet!

When she talks it looks like this

Eddie is homes little helper he has to be obidiant or home will be Mad

When he Talks it looks like this

He dosent talk alot since he isn't really allowed to

But he does sometimes see fairy frank and ends up spending to much time with him

[ramblingdisaster73]

Do you have any theories for the stills of TK looking put out and Carlos and Detective Washington in a hospital waiting room?

The fact the Detective is there makes me think it's related to a case rather than personal, and Rafa had hinted we would see more police work for him. Also, while he's tense, her expression doesn't match 'my co-worker is risking to lose his fiancé/father etc'. And also why would she be there waiting for him if that was the case, they're not friends?

For TK, he doesn't look sad like he's thinking about Gwyn or something (which was my first thought) but maybe this is sort of an aftermath of that and he's about to decide to go back to temple.

These are just my 2 cents, I'm interested in hearing yours 😊

I am happy we are getting Det. Washington, I am not ready for Det. Grier to come back any time soon.

I do find it interesting that both detectives we know by name are in Missing persons. Which would be something that Carlos would be/is pretty passionate about. Something has been shown to go beyond his job to get to the bottom of, like with the girl in 3x05 & more recently with Iris.

There was that pic that was posted a while ago of a ranger hat, under somewhat ominous circumstances, so there is always a possibility that this pic could be connected to that, but I would think it would be the Rangers looking into anything with Gabriel over APD, so I am not 100% on that.

Another theory in my head is that they are working a case like 3x05 together again, which would probably make more sense.

Rafa did say that we would be seeing more of Carlos at work and there would be both drama & fun. This looks like the drama portion - or at least the fallout of it.

He doesn't look worried to me, so much as contemplative. Both Carlos and the Det. look like they are having a conversation and she kinda looks like she is encouraging or trying to get him to see something.

There is a piece of me that thinks there is a part of Carlos that is struggling with trusting his instincts right now. We saw him correctly follow his instincts on multiple occasions, even still doing so (to a point) in 4x03 looking into what Iris had told him about her abductor. But this time, his instincts almost got him killed, so I wonder if that will be something that comes up.

I am 50/50 on this being TK sad about his mom missing their wedding and him just trying to get through the chaos of getting married with his father and almost mother-in-law driving them nuts.

I do think we will get more mentions of Gwyn the closer we get to the wedding, so there is a real good chance this could have something to do with that. I am not so sure that they will go with a religious storyline, it seems like that coma talk with Gwyn last season was a bit of a throwaway line, but I wouldn't be upset if they did go that route.

I kind of see TK as more of a secondary character this season, similar to how Carlos has been in the previous ones. Not saying we aren't getting amazing TK content - but I think that we will be getting mostly work & Tarlos TK (like we got work & Tarlos Carlos before).

I think a lot of TK's job this season is to help others (Carlos & Owen) work on their stuff - which finally!!! Ronen did say that this season is stressful for TK, which considering what we have seen so far & know what is coming - this pic definitely shows that.

Only two more days til 4x08...then another week til 4x09. They are really keeping us guessing this season.

[social-buttface]

I also want to chime in a bit of my own experience. I’m a white cis female who has ADHD, clearly coming from my mother and both bio grandmothers, and maternal grandfather, so I was always predisposed to it. However I was only diagnosed with depression as a child, at 8, and was put on a cocktail of SSRIs from ages 11-18 when I quit cold turkey in college, because my dad was no longer there to help me remember to take them. Lost a ton of weight and had pretty severe withdrawal symptoms (my roommate was scared for me, as I was throwing up from the shakes and anxiety every day).

About a year later I started to realize I have ADHD due to posts like these, and began pushing for a diagnosis. However, at first they didn’t want to diagnose me, because I’m moderately-severely hard of hearing & have been my whole life, so it was too much of a “confounding variable” for the first therapist I had. The second therapist, however, actually listened to me, and nearly diagnosed me just based on the ping-pongy way I was describing my symptoms to her. I got a diagnosis test from her 3 months later (that was as often as I could get an appointment; I’ve since given up). She concluded I did indeed have inattentive type ADHD with some symptoms of the hyperactive type (fidgeting, rambling). She instructed me that I had to get a drug test & an EKG before I could be approved for medication.

An avid weed consumer as a way of self-medicating (although it only makes my symptoms worse, but, y’know, it feels good so I did it a *lot*) I had to go cold turkey off weed for like a month. Got the pee test. Passed. Time for the EKG!

A couple weeks after the EKG I got a call from my physician. She noticed an unusual pattern in my heart’s electrical impulses, indicative of WPW (Wolff-Parkinson-White) Syndrome, in which I essentially have an extra nerve in my heart that causes palpitations & lightheadedness and even fainting (“Oh…so THAT’S what all that was about my whole life.”) I’d told my parents and doctors of these symptoms since I was a child and all they said was “You’re overweight, lose weight and it will fix it.” Well it turns out losing weight would do nothing and “fixing it” involves invasive heart surgery where they burn off that extra nerve. Might get it in the future, because:

This *new* diagnosis rules me out of being eligible to do what I was trying to do in the first place, which is get medication! On top of that I am already registered in the system as having nicotine and weed addiction/dependency issues, which I was trying to get help with during quarantine, and am now regretting because it will only be used against me. So not only did they not want to diagnose me at first because i’m HOH, but now they won’t/can’t give me medication because they think I’ll abuse it and i that it will cause a heart attack.

So I drink coffee every day & am looking into caffeine pills. It’s the only thing that helps me focus at all. I also still have an incredibly difficult time not smoking weed/nicotine when it is available to me, because it provides temporary relief and my impulses are stronger than the knowledge in my head. I know weed makes my symptoms worse and makes me uncontrollably anxious half the time, and I know nicotine will give me cancer. It breaks my partner’s heart when they see me smoking, and they’ve told me to stop, and I’ve agreed and intended to stop, but every time it is available I do it again. It’s even worse since I’m now 21. I should exercise, but WPW makes it pretty painful for me to do so at times (cardio, anyway). Besides, ever since I was put on SSRIs as a child I gained a lot of weight at it has stayed with me, even as an adult and with the withdrawal weight loss. My skin is loose and hangs down. So it’s difficult to exercise with all my body fat swinging around. I like my belly and boobs but they makes things hard sometimes. It sucks! It really fucking sucks and all I ever wanted was to be taken seriously as a child and maybe this all could have been prevented.

anyways can we start recognizing adhd as an actual and serious disorder that

can affect on functioning in every day life so badly that it interferes with taking care of very basic human needs

is not 10 yrs old white boy exclusive disorder

is not a fake disorder created to benefit medicine companies

definitely should not be reduced to “kid who cant sit still and wont stop screaming” stereotypes because adhd has a whole fuckton of symptoms ranging from serious memory issues to fine motor control difficulties

[thatdeaffeel]

tdf when your friends are in a group call and you want to hangout because they're your friends and you love chatting but you also know you'll catch very little of what's said so you end up isolating yourself instead of joining

[purplespaceace]

very few characters actually have adhd in media, and when they do, what people mean by that is just that they fidget a lot, not that they have adhd. the only character with adhd I can think of where I’ve watched/read it and I’ve gone, “oh, this character actually has adhd” is Jake peralta from Brooklyn 99. so, here’s my take on how to write adhd, with examples from Brooklyn 99.

I’ll do the best I can to separate them into three categories; the three things people look for in adults with ADHD, which are rejection sensitivity dysphoria, an interest-based nervous system, and emotional hyperarousal.

I’ll also randomly bold and italicize bits so people with ADHD can actually read it.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria makes people with ADHD overly sensitive to criticism, even if they perceive a rejection and there actually isn’t one. Their emotions are also very strong generally. Because of RSD, people with ADHD become people-pleasers and can develop anxiety because they’re so eager to please.

For me, RSD makes me cry an embarrassing amount for any little reason. in your writing, make your characters overdramatic, criers, and/or people-pleasers. They’ll have trouble saying no. They may also be over competitive, as their perceived rejection may include losing.

how does Jake show this in b99? When Jake comes up with a catchphrase and Rosa says it’s terrible, jake is far more hurt than he should be. He hates losing, and he gets overly upset whenever someone says they don’t like him or don’t trust him, etc. he’s also a people pleaser who has trouble saying no.

An interest-based nervous system

An interest-based nervous system includes hyperfocuses and an inability to pay attention. It stems from the fact that we can’t make as much dopamine as neurotypicals. This means that while neurotypicals get dopamine after completing a task, people with ADHD don’t. That means that people with ADHD don’t have any reason to do tasks, especially those they don’t like. This leads to executive dysfunction—people with ADHD will know they have to or want to do something, but they can’t seem to do it. people with ADHD hyperfocus on things that bring them dopamine. I was obsessed with warrior cats for three years. But hyperfocuses can also last a short amount of time—I’ll have a drawing idea in the middle of class and won’t be able to concentrate on anything else before I finish it. this is where our impulsiveness comes from. we can leap into things we think will give us dopamine without thinking, which can lead to injury. We also tend to tell people personal things they don’t want to hear because of this, and don’t have very good boundaries. We sometimes say whatever comes into our head, which can also result in us being rude on accident. Our voices can also get very loud or we can interrupt people frequently because we’re so impulsive. When people with ADHD hyperfocus, they can forget about anything else. I’ll forget to eat if I’m busy reading a Wikipedia article about feminism in the 1850s, and won’t go to the bathroom or drink water either. It’s also important to note that taking away distractions doesn’t help, because we can do things like pick at our skin and daydream—something that people with ADHD do a lot of. Because of executive dysfunction, people can call people with ADHD lazy or irresponsible.

people with ADHD can also be extremely indecisive because ADHD affects our executive functioning, and making decisions requires planning and prioritizing, and task initiation, which are both executive functions!

people with ADHD also have poor memory for important things, but tend to remember random bits of trivia. Poor memory leads to object permanence problems, which means people with ADHD can forget to call a friend back for weeks, forget that they need to read library books in a closed cabinet, or forget that the vegetables they got will go bad. People can sometimes say that people with ADHD don’t care about anything because of this.

people with ADHD can also be prone to depression because of under or overstimulation. Boredom feels painful for people with ADHD. If we’re overstimulated, we can experience sensory overload—if things are too bright or too loud, if too many things are touching us at once—often it’s not because the thing is too intense, but because too many things are happening at once.

We also have something some people call dolphin brain, where we jump from one thing to another. From the outside, it looks really random, but I find that when I’m talking to another neurodivergent communication is generally easier. For instance, someone with ADHD might see a bee at a baseball field and tell their team about the time they saw whales at seaworld because their little brother was also stung by a wasp there. people will see no connection on the outside, but it makes perfect sense to the person with ADHD.

people with ADHD can also be overachievers, either because they hyperfocus on schoolwork or their RSD makes it so that failing at something isn’t an option. people with ADHD can also be very controlling and stubborn, probably because we hyperfocus on something and cant handle it being any different, and any change to our plans can be seen as rejection.

we can also have a hard time ordering our thoughts or doing stuff like math in our head. a lot of the time I number my thoughts like, 1. this reason, 2. this reason, etc. even if theres only two or sometimes I just need the 1. as a transition for my brain. when I don’t write it down or organize it like that it feels like I’m trying to grasp ropes that have been covered in oil (it’s not going to happen) and then my brain gets all jumbled and I have to restart at the beginning. this is probably just me, but it feels the same way when I’m reading long paragraphs of something uninteresting, or even short bits of historical documents because the way they phrase things is really pompous and hard to process.

also, stuff like caffeine calms us down and helps us focus. people who don’t take medication (me) often drink coffee or caffeinated sodas to focus.

another random tip, but if your character with ADHD also is genderfluid or genderflux, they might have a hard time figuring out their gender sometimes, because we can be known to have a hard time putting our feelings into words or our brains will just go, “nope, not thinking about that right now” and move on, which can be pretty frustrating.

people with adhd also have a trait called time blindness, where we have no idea how long something takes and therefore can’t manage our time very well. this often results in us being late or just sitting around the house because we got ready way too early.

we also have something called consequence blindness—we do things and are completely unaware of the consequences. if I don’t brush my teeth, I get cavities. but I don’t think about that when I’m deciding I’m too tired to brush my teeth.

in b99, jake regularly stays up all night solving cases and watches documentaries on random topics. He’s also very distractible—when they’re trying to find the person who sent Captain Holt death threats in the train yard, Jake says he and captain holt should take a train trip together sometime. Jake says that he’ll forget Amy if they don't work together because he’s like a goldfish.

Emotional hyperarousal

This is the only thing people tend to include when writing characters: the fidgeting. People with ADHD tend to need more stimulation than others, so we’ll do things like draw during class and chew on pens.

people with ADHD can also have apd, or auditory processing disorder. we tend to watch shows with subtitles on and may take a second to process what you’re saying, or hear it wrong. The subtitles thing may be partially do to creating just the right amount of stimulation, but if I don’t have subtitles, me and my other friends with ADHD will watch tv with the volume turned up very high. People with ADHD also can have a hard time interpreting other people‘s tone and have a hard time controlling their own. They can be bad at social cues and have poor manners because we don’t pick up on that stuff.

people with ADHD also tend to observe everything or nothing at any given time, mostly based on the amount of stimulation they have—if they dont have a lot in their main task, they’ll need to take in something else at the same time. Likewise, if I’m hyperfocusing on something I often don’t notice anything else, like if someone asks me a question.

in b99, Jake fidgets with things a lot. In the intro, he’s picking up and examining a figurine on his desk, likely because he was bored with paperwork or some other task.

[bellakitse]

To Love is to Know You

“Carlitos got hurt at work,” she whispers, her face pale and frightened. “He got shot, and they are rushing him to the hospital.”

+

When Carlos gets hurt on the job, his parents find out about the important parts of his life he’s been keeping from them, mainly the man he’s in love with.

Gabriel Reyes' POV

*there is accidental outing in this since this isn’t how Carlos planned on telling his parents.

6.3k

They’ve settled in for the night and are in the middle of watching a movie their son recommended when the phone rings.

“Carlos really likes this?” he questions skeptically as more blood goes spraying across the screen.

His wife chuckles at his tone even as she winces at the scream the protagonist lets out for the 100th time.

“He’s young, Gabriel. I don’t think we’re actually supposed to like what Carlitos likes,” she tells him as she leans across the couch, reaching for her phone. She turns to him with a smile as she shows him the caller ID. “Hablando del diablo,” she says fondly before pressing talk on their son calling.

“Tell him I’m questioning his choices,” Gabriel jokes, pausing the movie as Andrea says hello with a smile. He watches as that smile quickly drops, his heart seizing in his throat as she lets out a gasp and a shaky ‘what?’ to whoever she’s speaking to. It’s obvious now that it’s not their boy.

He waits for her to end the call with a fearful ‘we’ll be there soon’ before she turns to him with tears in her eyes.

Even before she speaks, he knows, and his hands shake as they reach for hers.

“Carlitos got hurt at work,” she whispers, her face pale and frightened. “He got shot, and they are rushing him to the hospital.”

 ֎֎֎

 The drive to the hospital is both short and the longest drive Gabriel Reyes has ever had behind the wheel. Next to him, Andrea grips the rosary his mama gave her after they got married. She doesn’t pray, though, and he thinks she’s too worried to remember any prayer at the moment.

“He’s going to be okay,” he tells her, his voice rougher than he would typically use with his sweetheart, but he can see her starting to spiral, and he needs her to focus on his voice and not on all the troubling thoughts he knows are running through her head at the moment. “Carlos is young and strong. He’s going to be fine, he –”

“Is our baby boy,” she whispers, looking at him with those big brown eyes, so like Carlos’ when he was little, looking at him to make everything okay.

“El va estar bien, amor,” he tells her softly, willing himself to believe it too.

He pulls into the hospital parking lot. They quickly exit the car, holding hands as they rush towards the doors and the front desk. He’s sure they both look a fright as they ask the girl behind the counter for information.

“Mr. and Mrs. Reyes,” calls out a tired voice to them, and when they turn around, they find a familiar-looking young man with brown hair and green eyes standing before them in an EMS uniform.

Gabriel is struck by his eyes. They’re wide, the worry in them plain to see, and it’s obvious he’s been crying by how pink and puffy they are.

“I’ve been waiting for you both; I didn’t want you to get lost,” he tells them, pointing to a door at the far end of the hall to the left. “We’re in there.”

“How’s Carlitos?” his wife asks at the same time as he says. “We’ve met you before.”

“Uh – yes – you have, sir. I’m TK,” he answers with a grimace. Gabriel knows it is the young man’s effort to smile but just can’t. “We met at the farmer’s market about nine months ago.”

TK turns to Andrea, his expression softening instantly. “They took Carlos to the back when we got here, ma’am, but we haven’t heard anything yet.”

“What happened?” he asks TK and is struck again by how expressive his eyes are. Gabriel sees pain, fear, frustration, and anger cross his face.

“We were answering a call to a disturbance; a man was threatening to set fire to his ex-bosses place and was holding them hostage inside. He was armed, so Carlos and the rest of APD went in first,” TK takes a pause, swallowing hard, and Gabriel is struck by how the young man is keeping it together when it’s undeniable that it’s difficult for him to do so. “Shots were exchanged, and the suspect was neutralized but not before he hit Carlos.”

“Where?” he asks, hoping against hope that his son was wearing his vest. TK’s face, scared and apologetic, tells him it doesn’t matter.

“T – the,” TK clears his throat, lifting a hand to run through his hair. Gabriel catches the slight shake of it. It’s not the only thing he spots on them. Though mostly clean, Gabriel notices specks of blood on them. Looking him over once more, he sees some on his uniform too. “The neck, sir.”

Andrea lets out a gasp, bringing her hand to her mouth to try and muffle the sound.

“You worked on him,” Gabriel realizes. He needs to focus on something other than the information they’ve just been given.

“Yes,” TK answers, biting down on his lip to the point that Gabriel wants to wince at how painful it looks. Given the redness of his mouth, the kid has probably been doing it a while now. “My Captain didn’t want it to be me – ” TK stops.

He takes a breath, collecting himself. “We stabilized him on the field and then brought him over. My Captain is here if you want to speak with her while we wait for the doctors.”

They follow the young man down the hall into a private room, and Gabriel is shocked to see how full it is with first responders, most still in uniform like TK. Everyone seems to turn to look at them when they walk in.

“These are Carlos’ parents,” TK explains to the crowd before turning to a tall woman with a sympathetic but no-nonsense look on her face. “Captain Vega, could you – ” he gestures towards them.

The Captain nods, standing from her seat to walk over to them. She has a bag with her that she hands over to TK.

“Nancy brought your stuff from your locker,” she says to the kid with a kind smile. She places her hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “Why don’t you go change while I speak with Carlos’ parents.”

TK nods, looking relieved. “Yeah, Cap, thanks.” He turns towards them, looking like he wants to say something else but doesn’t. Instead, he gives them a small nod and walks away, leaving them with his Captain.

Gabriel focuses on her, reaching out to hold his wife’s hand as Captain Vega goes through the emergency in more detail. She’s compassionate but honest as she breaks down her assessment of Carlos’s injuries on the scene and their handling of it.

“TK is one of the finest medics I have ever worked with,” she tells them, with something akin to pride in her voice. “And it’s Carlos. He wasn’t about to lose him,” she continues softly, knowing. “We got him here, and they’ve had him in the back for the last hour. I’m sure they’ll come out and tell us something soon. All we can do now is wait, unfortunately.”

“And pray,” Andrea whispers thickly.

“Never a bad idea,” she says with a small, understanding smile. She looks away from them when someone calls her name, an older man in uniform walking towards them.

“Tommy, any word? Where’s TK?” he asks, rushed.

“Nothing yet,” she answers the man whose uniform says, Captain Strand. “And TK is changing. We didn’t want him to still be in the uniform that – “ she pauses, her eyes drifting to them.

“Right,” Captain Strand nods before his blue eyes turn towards them. Gabriel watches as he quickly recognizes who they are. “Mr. and Mrs. Reyes?” he questions, exhaling loudly when he answers him with a nod.

“Owen Strand, TK’s dad,” he says, extending his hand to Andrea first and then him. “Nice to finally meet you. I’m sorry it can’t be under better circumstances.”

Gabriel cocks his head at the peculiar comment.

“You work with our son?” Andrea asks politely, probably trying to distract herself from the worry she’s feeling.

“Often,” Owen gives them an honest smile. “He’s one hell of a police officer, good instincts, good head on his shoulders, strong,” he tells them intentionally. “He’s going to come through this just fine.”

Gabriel appreciates the comment, if anything, because it makes Andrea smile for the first time since they heard the news.

“Why don’t we sit down,” Owen continues. “We’re going to be here a while,” he points towards three firefighters with the same 126 insignia he has on his clothes, and they quickly get up, giving them the space. “Maybe we can get you some coffee or tea?”

He shakes his head but nods towards Andrea. “Some tea might be good for your nerves, vieja.”

Andrea nods absently, and Owen turns his head towards the trio who gave them their seats. “Strickland, Marwani, Chavez – “

“On it, Cap,” says the young Latino whose chest tag says, Chavez. “We’ll get for everyone.”

Owen offers the kid a grateful smile. “Get TK a sandwich. I know he hasn’t eaten.”

“He might not want to,” says the other man in the group with a deliberate look.

“We’ll sit on him and force him if we have to,” answers the young woman in the headscarf with a glint in her eyes that tells him she’s not joking. Gabriel watches them leave the room.

“They’re good kids,” Owen comments, catching his gaze. “They care about Carlos very much,” he says with a soft laugh. “Probably because he’s always feeding them when they hang out at his place.”

Andrea smiles at the comment, but Gabriel finds it curious. He doesn’t find it strange that his son would be welcoming. Like his mother, Carlos has always strived to make everyone feel at home. He is just surprised that his son is so close with this particular firehouse and its members.

TK comes back into the room in a hoodie and sweats, looking around. Gabriel watches as his eyes land on them before moving over to his father. He watches as the kid’s shoulders drop at the sight of his dad and quickly makes his way over, almost plowing into him as Captain Strand stands with his arms open, circling them around his boy.

“He’s gonna be okay,” he hears him whisper into his son’s ear. “Carlos wouldn’t leave you, you know that.”

Gabriel takes a sharp breath at the words; he looks over at his wife, seeing that her eyes have gone wide as she stares at the father and son with a newfound gaze, and he knows she’s caught it too.

Before they can come to terms with what it might mean, a doctor in green-colored scrubs walks in with a manila folder in hand. “I’m looking for Officer Reyes’ family?” he questions, startling as everyone stands or looks over at him.

Gabriel is surprised himself but warmed by the idea that so many people care about his son. “Over here,” he calls the doctor over. “We’re his parents.”

The doctor nods in response, crossing the distance between them until he’s standing in front of them, TK and his father joining in. “We’ve stabilized your son enough to move him,” the doctor starts. “He’s in the O.R. now; we’re repairing the damage. He was lucky that the bullet didn’t hit his carotid artery.”

“Is he going to be okay?” Andrea rushes to ask, fear coloring her question.

“We’re doing everything we can, ma’am,” the doctor answers softly with a sympathetic look. “He’s holding strong and was brought in quickly.”

“When can we see him?” he asks, his heart dropping at the shake of the doctor’s head.

“It’s going to be a while,” he answers. “We’re not sure how long it will be in the O.R., and then in recovery, it’s going to be a couple of hours.”

Gabriel feels the room deflate around him at the answer and feels the same.

“For now, I need his next of kin to sign off on some waivers,” the doctor continues as he looks inside his folder, reading out of it. “Who is Tyler Kennedy Strand?” he asks, the question filling the room with sudden tension.

“Uhh – me,” TK stammers, his eyes going to him and Andrea awkwardly. “But his parents – “

The doctor cuts him off with a shake of his head. “Officer Reyes’ work forms have you as the one with the power of attorney over any medical decisions on his behalf. You are aware of this, yes?”

TK looks pained and uncomfortable, apologetic even as he looks at Andrea before nodding. “Yes,” he says softly. “Carlos and I spoke about it a few months ago.”

“Then I need you to come with me, Mr. Strand,” the doctor answers, his eyes shifting over to them as well. “It’s just a formality, you understand.”

TK nods again, gesturing for the doctor to go first, following him out of the room, leaving the rest of them in silence, and he and Andrea stunned.

“They’re involved,” he states, not sure to who, but he catches Captain Strand’s slight wince.

“TK will explain when he comes back in,” he assures them, though Gabriel isn’t sure what he would have to explain. It’s pretty obvious the kid is someone important enough to his son that he would leave him in charge of his care if anything happened to him, and he and his wife know nothing about him.

Andrea reaches for his hand. When he looks at her, he sees the same confusion and hurt in her eyes he’s feeling. He squeezes it reassuringly as they retake their seats, neither knowing what to say.

They stay like that, silently waiting for TK or the doctor to come back. Owen walks away from them, drifting towards the other Captain.

After a few minutes, the ones who walk in are the trio of firefighters the Captain sent out for a snack.

“Te de manzanilla,” Chavez says with a boyish smile as he hands the cup of tea to Andrea. “My Abuela says it’s good for nerves.”

Andrea takes it but doesn’t drink right away. “Thank you – um?”

“Oh! I’m Mateo,” he answers before pointing at the other two who are finishing handing out bottles of water and coffees. “That’s Paul and Marjan. We’re friends of Carlos,” he says with another friendly smile as they come over to them.

“Nice to meet you all,” Andrea answers, elbowing him in the side to do the same.

Gabriel checks out, his mind drifting while his wife picks up the slack and chats with the trio, exchanging small talk. He only tunes in when Mateo asks about their new filly.

“You know about Sally?” he questions, frowning, confused. He gets a few nods from all of them and smiles.

“Carlos showed us pictures of her the last time we were over at his and TK’s place for dinner.”

Gabriel can’t help the sharp breath he takes at the comment.

“They live together?” Andrea asks, shocked, her voice above a whisper.

“Oh,” Paul says softly, his eyes widening with realization at their lack of knowledge. He exchanges worried looks with the young woman Mateo called Marjan. Both open their mouth as if to speak and then stop at a loss for words. Luckily for them, TK walks back into the room, making his way towards them.

“Guys, could you give me a second with Mr. and Mrs. Reyes?” he asks politely but firmly.

“Yeah, of course, man,” Paul says quickly, while Marjan tugs on Mateo to stand, moving away. Paul starts to follow them, only to stop and look at TK, speaking again with an apologetic look on his face. “We’re sorry, we didn’t know – “

TK waves him off, a half a smile on his tired face. “Don’t worry about it, Paul.”

Paul gives him a nod, looks at them, and nods again before walking away.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions,” TK tells them softly, biting down on his lip for a moment before taking a breath, straightening his shoulders. “I’ll do my best to answer them. Should we find somewhere a little more private?”

He looks over at his wife and finds her studying TK with a curious eye. He’s not surprised. He’s more than curious himself about this man who is important enough in his son’s life to be making decisions of life and death for him and apparently living with him. “I think that might be best.”

TK nods mostly to himself, motioning for them to follow him.

He leads them out into the hallway and into another room that Gabriel realizes is the chapel.

“Is this okay?” TK questions nervously. “I don’t want to be disrespectful,” he gestures towards the altar.

“It’s fine, TK,” Andrea assures him.

They take a seat together towards the back of the room, TK sitting across from them.

Nobody says anything for a long moment. He sits watching TK as he taps his foot, and Andrea plays with her hands, struck by the similar nervous motions. He recognizes as TK looks at them with a worried wrinkle between his brow, he doesn’t know where to start, and Gabriel is struck by how young he looks like this. It reminds him of Carlos’ nervous habits growing up, so concerned with disappointing them.

“How long have you and our son been together?” he questions, ripping off the bandaid.

“We’ve been dating for over a year,” he answers honestly, wincing when Andrea lets out a shocked sound. “But we’ve known each other for over a year and a half. It took a while for us to get – us, right.”

“A year?” Andrea questions, surprised and more than a little sad. “He’s kept this from us for a year?”

“He didn’t mean to,” TK rushes to explain – to defend their son to them, Gabriel realizes. He stops looking nervous, and Gabriel can honestly feel the wave of protectiveness coming off the young man.

While the part of him that isn’t still shocked at this sudden news is pleased that Carlos has found someone obviously loyal to him, another part of him is at a loss at being someone this young man thinks he needs to protect his son from. It leaves an unpleasant feeling in his stomach he tries to push down before he reacts in a way that he’ll regret later.

“Then what did he mean?” he questions, trying to understand. “Because if you guys have been dating for a year, that means you two were together when we met you at the market, and he called you a friend from work.”

He feels bad as his words cause the kid to flinch, and a small cynical smile twists his lips upward for a second.

“Yeah, that caused a big fight between us,” he answers dryly. “Look, this is something you need to talk about with Carlos when he comes to. We both knew it was a long time coming, and trust me, he’s been working up the nerve to tell you both about us.”

“Why would he need to work up the nerve?” Andrea questions while Gabriel watches as TK’s eyes flash, his hands curling for a moment. He’s struck by the fleeting anger he sees there – at them.

“Because you’re both more traditional, and he didn’t want to rub your noses in our relationship,” he answers tightly, making Andrea gasp.

Gabriel feels his hackles raise at the resentment he hears in the words. “Hey now, you don’t get – “

“Carlos’ own words,” TK interrupts, his voice sharp enough to stop him. TK stops too, taking a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment.

“I apologize,” he starts again, his voice calmer. “It’s not my place at all, and Carlos needs to be the one to explain this to you.”

Gabriel exchanges a glance with his wife, letting out a sigh when she gives him a serious look. He turns towards TK again, taking a calming breath of his own. “But he’s not here right now, and we’d like to understand.”

TK lets out a sigh, nodding at them after a moment. “You’re right,” he agrees quietly, running a hand through his hair. “I just really wish he was here, though,” he pauses, the pain and love in his eyes as he speaks striking a core with him. This man loves his son. That much is clear.

“Okay, first things first. Carlos loves you both so much,” he tells them reassuringly. “He speaks of both of you with so much respect and admiration. Please don’t doubt that for one second. He didn’t keep us a secret from you because he doesn’t love or respect you.”

“Then why?” Andrea asks, trying to understand.

TK presses his lips together, giving her a helpless shrug of his shoulder. “Because he was scared of upsetting you, of disturbing the tentative peace that the three of you have had since he rocked your world by telling you he was gay at 17, and then none of you ever spoke about it again. He didn’t want to disappoint you.”

By TK’s expression, Gabriel knows that he hasn’t just spoken with any malice, yet he still feels his words hit him like a punch.

“But – that’s,” he stumbles at a loss for words. “Carlos could never disappoint us,” he looks at Andrea to find her with tears in her eyes. “We love our son.”

TK gives him a smile; it’s kind and understanding. “I don’t doubt that,” he tells them, looking at Andrea. “He’s so easy to love, of course, you love him.”

“You love him,” Andrea says in awe, still crying, but it feels different than before, almost happy in the middle of the hurt.

TK’s eyes fill with tears; they spill over even as he gives them a bright smile. “More than I have ever loved anyone in my life, ma’am. He is everything to me.”

Gabriel hears how much he means it in his voice and instantly remembers something from earlier. “You worked on him at the scene,” he exhales over a dull ache in his chest at the thought. “Jesus Christ, kid, how did you – “

“The worst moment of my life,” TK whispers, losing his smile, his bottom lip trembling. “And life has thrown some curveballs my way,” he inhales deeply in an effort to control his emotions. “But I wasn’t about to lose him, not like that and not now. We have our whole lives ahead of us, and I plan to spend mine with your son.”

Gabriel hears the conviction and the subtle threat he’s issuing them. He’s telling them he’s not going anywhere, and while a small part of him wants to be annoyed at the warning, Gabriel finds himself mostly impressed. He finds himself liking the kid despite the situation.

“You love him so much,” Andrea whispers, shaking her head to herself. Knowing his wife, she’s mourning the fact that they’ve missed out on seeing it. “And he loves you?”

TK nods quickly. “He never lets me doubt it, not for one single second,” he swallows before another smile takes over his face, soft and involuntary. “He’s wonderful.”

“I’m so sorry we’ve missed it,” she tells him, and Gabriel smiles to himself at how easy he can still read her. “It was never our intent to make Carlos feel like he couldn’t share with us his life. When he told us he was gay, yes, it was a surprise, but we never loved him less,” she frowns, letting out a soft breath. “We wanted him to feel like nothing had changed, and instead, we made him feel like he couldn’t talk to us.”

“But he can,” he continues for Andrea, hoping TK will understand.

Andrea nods in agreement. “He can,” she repeats. “We want to be part of the life he’s building with you.”

TK smiles. It’s wobbly but iridescent as it lights up the room. “He – we would like that very much,” he tells them, chuckling softly. “You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to know you both. You need to tell him when he wakes up.”

Andrea looks fearful again as she turns from TK to him and back again. “What if – “

“No,” TK answers resolutely. He holds out his hand for Andrea, covering it when she places it in his. “Carlos is going to be fine. He’s not leaving us.”

Gabriel watches them hold each other’s hands, his wife taking comfort from the man in love with their son, and hopes, for all their sakes, that he will turn out to be right.

 ֎֎֎

 The next three days are the longest of Gabriel’s life. After over seven hours of surgery and recovery, they’re allowed to see a sleeping Carlos.

If there was any doubt in his mind about TK’s feelings for his son, they’re wiped out the moment he sees him at his bedside. The way he takes his hand in his, holding it for dear life as he whispers in his ear that he loves him and that he’s there, that they all are.

They wait, hours and hours they wait for Carlos to wake up. The doctors tell them the surgery was successful, and now they just have to wait for Carlos’ body to recover enough for him to wake up. They’re not sure when that’ll be.

He walks into his son’s hospital room after taking a call from work to find TK alone with Carlos, his wife nowhere in sight.

“You know, sweetheart, if this is payback for the time I got shot and ended up in a coma, then message received,” TK talks to a sleeping Carlos, bringing his hand to his lips. “You can wake up now because I’ve learned my lesson.”

“You were shot?” he questions, raising an eyebrow, wondering exactly what these two have been through.

TK blinks up at him. He lowers Carlos’ hand but doesn’t let go. “Yeah,” he nods, clearing his throat. “Before Carlos and I officially got together, it was a house disturbance gone wrong, an accident, but I got hit in the chest and ended up in an eight-day coma. Carlos had to sit through it, the eight worse days of his life, he likes to remind me,” he turns back to Carlos, his expression softening. “I really didn’t need to learn the hard way how this feels.”

Gabriel makes a sound at the back of his throat. He takes the seat he’d been occupying next to Andrea, finding her purse still there.

“She went to the restroom and to get something to drink,” TK tells him. “I told her I would stay with Carlos.”

Gabriel nods in understanding, and the room goes quiet as neither says anything else. They both just watch Carlos, focusing on the rise and fall of his chest. His eyes stray to TK —his focus on Carlos, the way he reaches out to touch his skin like he can’t bear letting him go for a moment for fear he’ll slip away. The last few days, he and Andrea have gotten to know the kid better, along with the rest of his crew.

Their love for each other and their love for Carlos is evident in every gesture and kind word they have to say about him. It still hurts him to know he and Andrea have missed so much. As he laid in bed holding his crying wife, more than a few tears slipped his own eyes at the lost time. Every day that passes, he promises to fix it when his son wakes up.

“You know, when he was around ten, he convinced his cousin to help him up the stallion at the farm,” he starts telling him, lost in the memory. “And this was a rough horse, even I didn’t ride him much, but he got on, and the thing, of course, sent him flying,” he shakes his head to himself. “He was knocked out maybe five minutes, but they were the longest five minutes of my life.”

“Was he okay?” TK questions, concerned even though it obviously turned out okay in the end.

“A fractured arm,” he answers, chuckling. “As soon as the cast was off, he was right back at it – this time bribing the horse with apples, carrots, and beetroots until he won him over. By the end, it would only let Carlos ride him. He was so smug about it, tipping his hat at us as he rode him.”

TK grins from ear to ear. “Tell me there are pictures of him in the hat.”

Gabriel stands, pulling out his wallet. He fishes out an old worn picture, passing it over to TK. He watches as the boy takes gentle care, running his index finger over the image as he smiles down at it.

“Damn, that’s cute,” he murmurs, handing back the picture after a moment longer. “You know, he won me over with patience too.”

Gabriel raises an eyebrow at the comment, waiting for him to continue.

“When he and I met, I wasn’t in a good place emotionally,” TK starts to tell him as he looks back at Carlos, reaching up to brush his hair back. “I’d gotten out of a relationship that left me messed up, and I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I hurt his feelings at the beginning, and honestly, he should have just cut his losses.”

He looks over at him. “But Carlos doesn’t give up on people, especially when they’re hurting, so he became my friend, someone I could trust with the not-so-great parts of me. He never judged. He just cared about me more, making sure I knew that I was worth the effort even when I wasn’t so sure of that myself,” he smiles as he retakes Carlos’ hand. “He loves me even when I don’t always love myself.”

“I’m sure you do the same for him,” Gabriel answers. Even with Carlos asleep, he’s seen enough to know the two of them genuinely love each other. Now he just wants his son to wake up so he can see it for real.

“I try,” TK answers. “He makes it easy.”

“Do you think he’ll forgive us?” he can’t help but ask, the question playing in his head the last few days as he learned more of the parts of his life Carlos felt the need to keep to himself for their comfort.

TK frowns as he looks at him, shaking his head slowly. “Carlos will tell you there is nothing to forgive. He doesn’t blame you.”

“He should, though,” he can’t help but argue, feeling frustrated, angry tears at the back of his throat. Fear clawing its way back after three days of waiting for his boy to open his eyes and wondering if it will ever happen. “He was 17, a kid, scared but brave as he told us his truth, and while we accepted it at that moment, we didn’t make sure he knew that it would always be okay with us. That’s on us. We should have done better.”

“Do better now, Gabriel,” TK says to him quietly, shrugging his shoulder when he looks at him, his expression nothing but kind. “Forgive yourself, because Carlos never blamed you to begin with, and do better now.”

“Are you always so wise, kid?” he asks, smiling when TK lets out a bark of laughter.

“That is the last word anyone who knows me would use to describe me,” he shakes his head, still giggling. “Usually, it’s stubborn or reckless. Carlos has been known to call me a brat quite a few times,” he says fondly as he looks down at the bed.

“Because you always get your way,” Carlos rasps out, eyes still closed.

Gabriel isn’t sure who’s gasp is louder, his or TK’s as they both stand to get closer.

“Carlos? Sweetheart?” TK asks, cautious but hopeful, and Gabriel holds his breath as he waits to see if Carlos is genuinely back with them.

It takes a minute, maybe two, maybe three, but slowly Carlos opens his eyes.

“Hi, sweetheart,” TK whispers, tears falling even as he smiles widely down at Carlos.

Gabriel watches as his son frowns as he tries to weakly reach up to touch TK’s face. TK helps him, lifting his hand and holding it against his cheek.

“Don��t – cry, Ty,” Carlos gets out slowly, brushing his thumb under TK’s eye, earning a wet laugh from him.

“I love you so much,” he says to him, and though he’s obviously tired and in pain, the smile Carlos gives TK is the brightest Gabriel has ever seen.

“Love you too, amor,” his son whispers back to his boyfriend, sounding just as hopelessly in love with him. It reminds Gabriel of him and Andrea, and he can’t help the small sound that escapes his throat.

“Dad – “ Carlos says softly, surprised as his eyes find him; they shift back to TK, concern coloring his expression.

“It’s okay, babe. I promise,” TK assures him with a smile as he gives his hand a squeeze.

“It is mijo,” Gabriel tells him, hoping to wipe away the slight fear he sees in his son’s eyes. He never wants to be the cause for that look again.

TK looks over to him, smiling at him reassuringly, and Gabriel remembers what he said to him moments before Carlos woke up. Forgive and be better.

“I’m gonna go find Andrea and a doctor,” TK declares, giving him a nod. He turns back to Carlos, leaning down to kiss him on the forehead. “I’ll be right back.”

TK steps away from Carlos, squeezing Gabriel’s arm as he walks by him before leaving the room, leaving him alone with his son.

Turning back to Carlos, he finds him still looking concerned as he stares at him, and that simply won’t do for him. He shifts over to where TK had been standing, now next to Carlos. “How do you feel?” he questions gently, getting a tiny shrug back.

“Tired,” Carlos gets out, his voice raspy. “Thirsty.”

“Oh! Of course,” Gabriel says quickly, turning to grab the pitcher of water on the bedside counter and a cup. Filling it, he turns back to Carlos, raising his bed a bit before bringing the straw to his lips. “Slowly, mijo.”

Carlos does as he asks, all the while looking at him. After he’s had his fill, Gabriel pulls the cup away, putting it back on the counter. He reaches out to his son, running a hand over his curls like he would do when he was a little boy.

“You scared the hell out of us, kid,” he whispers, swallowing hard as the last couple of days catch up to him. “We were so scared we were gonna lose you.”

Carlos leans into his touch. As he closes his eyes, a tear rolls down his cheek. “Sorry, pop.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Gabriel shakes his head. He takes Carlos’ hand. “These last few days have shown your mom and me how much of your life we have missed, and we’re so sorry.”

“Dad – “ Carlos tries. “I – “

“We messed up, Carlos,” he continues, needing to get it out. “We thought we were keeping things normal by not making a big deal out of you coming out, and instead, what we did was make you believe that you needed to keep parts of your life a secret for us to be comfortable. But our comfort isn’t the most important thing. Your happiness is, and as long as you’re happy, so are we.”

Carlos’ eyes fill with more tears, and Gabriel is struck by how young he seems as he looks up at him hopeful.

“We met your boyfriend,” Gabriel chuckles fondly. “I mean, obviously. He’s pretty special, Carlitos. You picked a good one.”

Carlos laughs. It’s wet from tears but joyful. “I picked the best one.”

Gabriel smiles at the pride he hears in his son’s voice. “We’d like to get to know him, son,” he says. It’s a hope and a request in one. “Your mom and I, we’d like to know him and you,” he swallows hard as his eyes burn. “We love you so much, but loving someone isn’t always knowing them. If it’s okay with you, we’d like a chance to fix that now.”

Carlos stares at him, mouth open, and there is the slightest tremble of his bottom lip.

“Carlitos.”

He and Carlos turn their heads to the door where Andrea and TK stand together. Carlos smiles at his mom, the smile growing when he notices that she’s holding hands with TK.

“Mami,” he says softly.

Andrea walks towards them, tugging TK along with her. Reaching the bed, she reaches out to touch his face. “Baby,” she whispers, shaking her head as she tries not to cry. “Please never scare us like this again.”

Carlos lets out an amused huff, closing his eyes for a second. “I’ll try, Ma.”

“Good,” Andrea grins at him, amused by his tone. “And you better be ready to be smothered for a while. TK and I have been making plans. We’re not letting you out of our sight.”

“We have a shifts chart,” TK teases him, sharing a grin with Andrea.

Gabriel watches with amusement as Carlos looks scared again, this time at the team he sees being created before his very eyes. He laughs, happy and relieved, when Carlos turns to him for support.

“I wouldn’t fight it, kid,” he warns him. “You know how your mother is, and your boyfriend seems just as bad; just accept it. They’re bonded. We all have.”

Carlos looks around at all three of them, the contentment he sees in his son’s expression, a blessing, and Gabriel knows it’s going to be okay. There is still a lot of time that he and Andrea will have to make up for. Conversations that will still need to be had.

But his son is alive; he’s safe, happy, and in love with a good man. He and Andrea haven’t missed it all, and they don’t plan to miss anything else when it comes to their boy ever again.

Carlos grins at him. “I think I’m okay with that, dad.”

Gabriel smiles back. He’s okay with it too.

[autspoon]

Hej Lykke. Could I ask you to explain your hearing more please? I have CAPD, or at least have thought I do, but am currently questioning if I have minor hearing loss and possibly tinnitus instead. And I don't know any others really that have hearing problems. I'm going to try getting to an audiologist but I dunno how long that'll take and I wanted to try and get more of an idea in the meantime. Tusen takk ❤️ and you can answer this privately if you prefer.

When you hear less than the average, one still can actually struggle in the same way to process sound. One just simply gets less to work with! But honestly, I feel like if you only look at how it is on surface, it might be indistinguishable between people who are hoh vs have apd.

But anyway, I think what a lot of people don’t realize is that when you lose hearing... It’s not that things are necessarily “quieter”. It’s that you hear less pitches, or certain pitches get muffled and muted more.. I hear less of higher frequencies.

So like, that means that higher stuff being louder changes nothing. This translates too with literally everything else.. Being louder doesn’t make me hear thing better, if anything it needs to be clearer.. So I’m more likely to catch as much as possible from what I’m given.

Higher voices are harder for me to hear, and I probably don’t hear most of what people say when they have higher voices.. But this also translates to like.. everything. I find it hard to listen to music, because not enough of it really is something I can hear clearly. I need bassy music.

Bassy music is in the ranges I can hear: They are deep... But also there is more “physical” vibration.. I can physically feel bass.

I think most things of hoh and capd overlaps.. For example struggling a lot to process or understand what people say. Which is namely the definition stuff of both the things. You struggle to process stuff in the speaking range with capd, and you struggle to hear frequencies in the speaking range with being hoh.

So in a sense.. They are in a way the same. One is physically in your ear, the other is just a physical processing of sound in your brain.. In practice I’d say they amount to mostly the same sort of experiences though.

[outoforderaro]

pac rim uprising is.... profoundly... *shrugs*?

like if you know me, you know that pacific rim is Entirely My Shit. extremely important to me. and i think may be if this was in a vacuum id be more towards “p alright” but

[spoilers]

here’s way too many words bc pacific rim is Extremely Important to me 

idk it’s like they looked at pacrim and just took out “oh people love big robot fights, and big monsters” and sure, you’re not wrong, but there’s a lot that made pacific rim not just a popcorn action movie to me, so im disappointed there.

they got rid of almost the entire cast (granted a lot of the chars were dead), for one, keeping just: mako, newt, and gottlieb (and glados for the jaeger voice). and of those: mako has basically no screen time or lines before they kill her off, newt’s character is entirely changed, and so it just feels like gottlieb is the only one they’ve kept. but the new chars feel kinda flat and just kinda “there”. i could put a trope name to them, but there wasn’t really any emotional heart to it. (also hearing john boyega with a british accent is weird and i had problems hearing him just bc apd stuff) also john boyega’s char as the offscreen son feels weird im not into it

drift compatibility lost its emotional heart a bit? like for all that it was a Thing in the first movie, it felt manufactured here. idk ive considered it a bit of a skill (stacker pentecost’s bit about like “i bring nothing into the drift”, eg) but it just didn’t seem like it was connecting people here. Newt and Gottlieb feel really connected at times tho from their drifting which felt good

in general the movie lacks a lot of the emotional heart of the first one? like, there are some good moments but im just an emotional person lol. also how dare they put allo shit into my pacific rim. (and then also never like, “resolve” their love triangle bs (go out and write poly fic! it has a v poly moment, also jake is bi ))

but like, the first one is All About (and that’s why im in love with it) people being close platonically, trusting each other, getting platonically intimate, getting literally inside each other’s head, and why that’s gonna save humanity. this movie doesn’t have that. even gottlieb’s determination to save newt doesn’t save him, he just gets locked up (indefinitely?) and teases sequels

the fights were alright, when we finally got to one (it takes a while to get to even the first sort-of fight scene) but nothing special, and most of them are the jaegers just getting tossed around, there’s only one fight where they seem halfway competent. kaiju designs were ok, the jaegers were ok, but couldve used some breakup in design esp in silhouette. obsidian fury and avenger were basically identical (also they did not fix danger’s name problem and instead kept it. they shouldve called it [anything else] danger to keep the callback)

pacing was weird. we spend the first while on a slow pace (much in contrast to the immediate start of pacrim) and then finally get to a fight, then it seems to set up for an investigative thing but then NOPE. and the bit with the drones felt like a minor hiccup almost, besides all the damage. also the movie spends the first several minutes, and a few conversations later, recapping pacrim (where i was hoping it’d end with: “and now theyre back, let’s go!”) but then also doing lots of weird stuff that doesnt really fit with the first movie, and a lot of questions of what happened to people from that movie. 

also, calling the aliens the “precursors” is weird? theyre not a precursor for anything, why did you pick that name for the nameless aliens? halo and pacrim are in the same universe?

mostly, it just feels like what it is: a fanfic of the pacrim universe with ocs (that’s not disparaging at all. it’s a new creating staff doing a work based on an existing work. it’s still fanfic when men do it, even if it usually gets called by other names when men do it)

[americanpsycho1991]

Talking about myself and how to deal with me (long ramble):

I hate the moodiness.  call it a pd thing, mood swings, whatever you wanna do but the fact is that in the moment, it really does feel that bad.  And for people on the outside, that’s very hard and frustrating to understand, because my moods often change so fast that it’s hard to believe I wasn’t just being a drama queen before.  It’s hard to take someone seriously when you know they have a pattern of freaking out and then being fine 30 minutes later.  But to me, it always feels ‘genuine,’ it always feels exactly as intense as the way I express it.

I know how draining it can be to deal with someone like me because your efforts feel wasted.  Taking the time and energy to think of something to say to comfort me & make me feel better is asking a lot of someone!  And for me to bounce back in an hour and be totally fine must feel like a slap in the face.  Some people just stop taking me seriously after a while, which hurts, but I understand it.

I do think there’s a middle ground, though, between me expecting everyone to expend all that emotional energy on me when I’m in a bad swing, vs everyone thinking “yeah big deal, she’ll get over it in an hour” and ignoring me.  I guess a good way to deal with it is to address and acknowledge that I’m upset, but basically find a way to stall time.  That’s what I do for myself when I’m still collected enough to think about it rationally -- I just distract myself until it goes away.  Obviously there are times when that’s not enough, but much like something upsetting will seem much more manageable after a good night’s sleep, just focusing on something else for an hour or two (something emotionally detached from my real-life situation like a movie) can be enough to get over it.

I really am trying.  I really am.  And I feel like I drain everyone around me, demand all this attention and energy, and give nothing back and I’m sorry.  I really am.  I want to offer support and love so badly but when the moment arrives I never ever know what to say.  I’m terrible at it, and on top of that, my memory is god-awful so sometimes I forget to check in or ask how someone’s doing.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone I know, and I’ve noticed they have a new haircut, but it genuinely doesn’t occur to me to say something, and then eventually they say “hey did you notice my new haircut?  What do you think?” and then of course I look like a liar when I say “oh yeah, I noticed that right away, it looks great!” because if I had noticed and I liked it, why wouldn’t I have said anything?  I do things like that a lot, I don’t know why, I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with me.  But I do notice, I do care, I am interested.  I just struggle with getting those things out of my head and effectively communicating them.

I really, really need to get back into therapy, and in the time that I”m out of it, I’m starting a list of things I want to bring up and work on.  One positive result of having needed therapy for so many years is that I’ve become very good at articulating my own mental issues.  I’ve finally, after many, many years of practice, gained the skill of being able to recognize patterns in my behavior, my thoughts, and my emotions, and being able to express them clearly in a therapy setting.  My last therapist (who I painfully miss) actually mentioned this several times, and -- while I’m sure she was partially saying this just to be nice -- when we finally said goodbye she actually said the way I spoke about emotions and experiences was ‘poetic.’  I’m not sure I agree with that but that compliment was one that really stuck with me.  Given that I’m going to have to be in therapy for many years to come, I may as well have something to feel good about.  So, I’m proud of myself for that.

But yeah, mostly I just want people to know that I am self-aware.  I know the way I act, and I know it’s extremely frustrating and taxing to deal with.  I have to deal with myself every day, I know how futile it can feel to try to make a difference.  And I’m sorry.  I just want people to know that I know, I’m sorry, and I promise I’m working on it.

One of my biggest fears is to end up stringing people along who don’t really like me, but feel obliged to pretend they do and to keep supporting me, because of how often I talk about how lonely I am and about how it’s been so hard to have so many people leave me over the years.  I’m massively paranoid that everyone who’s being nice to me is only doing so out of politeness or obligation.  Let me tell you, someone telling me straight up that they’re not that fond of me and that they find me exhausting would be a thousand times better than finding out someone who I thought was close to me was just pretending to like me because they felt sorry for me, or they felt like they had to support me because I didn’t have anyone else.  The former will upset me, but I’ll get over it.  The latter is my worst nightmare and would only serve to confirm and re-enforce this constant, nagging, irrational fear I have.

And even if you do genuinely like me, never feel like my wellbeing should come before yours.  Do not feel like you have to “always be there for me” if it’s taking a toll on you.  Again, I would so much rather someone say “I’m sorry but I can’t talk this out with you right now, I’m dealing with some stuff of my own” or that you just don’t have the energy, or simply that it’s not a good time.

^^ that’s been a problem for me as well -- one of the problems with these irrational social fears I have is that I’m a hypocrite; I’ve done all these things to other people, and I hate that I’ve done it.  But regarding the last point, I’ve learned that it’s better for me not to say things like “you can talk to me anytime” because honestly, I am often totally unprepared to listen to someone’s problems and offer support.  And I’ve told people they can come to me, with the absolute best of intentions, because I really do care about them and want to support them, but then I’ve let them down.  Because I’d had a bad day, or I was feeling drained, or because I had no clue what I could say that would comfort them.

Also, if you’re just having a good time and you don’t feel like taking on some emotional weight, it’s okay.  If you’re scrolling tumblr and I send you a message with some heavy shit but you want to keep having fun, don’t feel like you need to pretend you’re not online, or that you have to reply to me right now.  Keep having a good time!  I would so much rather deal with my mood swings on my own than reach out to someone and know that I’m dragging them down and ruining their mood too.

I would love for people to tell me what kind of support they need.  That would be perfect.  A win-win situation -- I finally figure out what to say, and they hear what they need to hear.  But frankly, most people don’t know what kind of support they need.  My parents have given up asking me how they can help me, because I never have a useful answer (well, that and because they’re totally unwilling to change their own behavior & they think ‘care and support’ should consist entirely of them telling me how to handle my own behavior... but that’s another story).  It’s hard enough to figure out your own feelings and behaviors, let alone coming up with ways that other people can behave that will help you.  But, if you’ve figured anything out, or if there are specific things that you definitely don’t want to hear, tell me!  I think the whole world needs more bluntness.

I have trouble with emotional permanence.  For instance, consciously I know that my mother always loves me, but half the time I’m convinced she hates me.  I’m not saying you need to remind me every 2 hours that you really do like me, and that yes, you really do mean that, but I think it’s one of those things that’s hard to really understand unless you experience it.  It’s not that I think you don’t like me, I feel that you might not like me, and if I don’t have occasional clear evidence to the contrary, those feelings will strengthen, I’ll keep getting paranoid and seeing signs of people hating me wherever I look, and those feelings will slowly solidify into real, convincing thoughts.

That’s one of the reasons I’ve lost so many friends over the years.  I have huge problems with social avoidance.*  I don’t contact someone for a while & self-isolate like usual, and over time I become more and more convinced they never liked me in the first place, so of course I never contact them again because why would I try to guilt them into spending time with me again?  They’re much happier without having to pretend to like me all the time!

*not that anyone cares that much, but while I never got far enough with that particular therapist to come to a specific diagnosis, we formed a pretty good impression of the whole personality disorder thing (which is why I’m not that specific about it -- at this point I’m damn certain I have a personality disorder, it’s just that there’s no official diagnosis yet of what it would be called or how it would be classified).  I know that labels of disorders are meant to describe a group of commonly clustered symptoms, not the other way around, but for the purposes of articulating my issues here it’s better to work backwards.  Essentially I have a lot of BPD traits, but I’m missing a few key ones that are required for a full diagnosis.  The thing is, the “reason” I don’t have those traits is because they’re canceled out, so to speak, by several big traits of avoidant personality disorder.  For instance, it’s not that I don’t feel like engaging in impulsive and risky behavior, but I don’t tend to -- yet the reason I don’t isn’t because I know it’s unwise, the reason is because I’m irrationally terrified of encountering a negative social situation, a bad interaction, facing consequences and immediately breaking down in tears, getting extremely embarrassed, etc.  So basically I’ve got some BPD and I’ve got some APD and of course I’ve always got the good-old, regular, everyday, dependable depression.

- I care so goddamn much

- I never know what to say

- I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing

- sometimes I’m bad at remembering things like checking in to see how people are doing (and complimenting new haircuts)

- I have trouble with emotional permanence, it doesn’t matter if you’re my own mother, I will be paranoid that you’re tired of me and only putting up with me because you think I’m sad and pathetic and you feel bad for me

- when I’m having a bad mood swing, if you’re in a place where you can offer support, please know that there’s not much you can say that will pull me out of a mood (I tend to keep saying the same things over and over and get into a very stubborn place where even if you offer me the perfect solution to my problem, I’ll be convinced it won’t work), but knowing that someone is there helps a lot, and if you can help to remind me to take some time and simply distract myself from the problem, that it might all blow over in a few hours.  Sometimes it doesn’t, but most times it does.  And to be clear, I still feel upset over whatever problem I was freaking out over!  It’s not like I invent new problems on the spot (...usually...), it’s just that there’s no chance of my actually taking constructive steps to solve that problem when I’m really freaking out over it.

- please please please do not give me “comforting” lies.  I mean please don’t be an asshole either but harsh truths are simply upsetting, whereas lies or only supporting me out of obligation, just... I can’t even begin to explain what that does to me.

idk who the hell has read this all the way to the bottom, but if you have, thanks for doing so.  I would honestly love to make more friends, but please remember that I’m very, very bad at it!  It’s not for lack of caring, though.  Thanks.

[princeandreis]

i just. ok. so ive always had great hearing but ive become really concerned i have auditory processing disorder (especially because it so often accompanies adhd which i have)

sometimes i experience tinnitus i think

and today at cheer practice at the beginning we did some running and stuff and i have exercise-induced asthma (which IS. a thing even tho it sounds fake) so i kinda brushed this off like a side effect but my hearing went super muffled for a couple minutes???? like it was the same volume mostly but the sounds werent as sharp as they are normally and it was really freaky and then it happened again later

i took an online screener test to see if i should get my hearing checked and my results were like “YOU VERY LIKELY HAVE EXPERIENCED SEVERE HEARING LOSS” and also said if your hearing gets fuzzy during exercise to get help right away but like my parents are both at work and my mom kind of gave me a lecture about overdiagnosing myself when i told her i think i have apd and i just dont think she’ll believe me and i’ll get another lecture but i NEED to sort this out soon plz help someone