#it’s more productive to try to foster friendships with people who actually are showing interest in reciprocation

[marshmellowtea]

i realized recently that a problem i have in many fandoms i’ve been in is that i oftentimes will pine after the recognition and acceptance of people in the fandom that i thought were cool who most of the time barely knew me or barely had an interest in me, instead of putting my energy into the cool people who i already talked to and are interested in being friends with me

[truglori]

Homebody (Ch.2)

Summary: Amiyah is the younger sister of local drug dealer (Durkio). Shy and reserved she keeps to herself and stays out the way. But lately she began to find interest in his right hand man/ best friend (Erik Stevens). Wanting to get him to notice her she discovers that he already had her wrapped around his finger without even trying! There was only a few problems that kept her away from her fantasies , her brother that controlled almost every single breath she took and would kill anyone who looked at her that way and lastly Eriks girlfriend, Alexis , who they called the queen of the hood according to her lavish lifestyle as well as being with the next newest top boy in the making. While Alexis was his girl to the streets all Amiyah wanted to do was be his Homebody...

Pairing: Erik Stevens x Thick Black OC

Warnings: Language

“Girl and when did all of this go down again?”

Amiyah laughed as she told her best friend , Kelley, about what took place between her and Erik. Kelley was someone who she met when she first started working at the boutique at the age of nineteen. She was only two years older than her. One day they decided to go get lunch together and found themselves hitting it off and have been inseparable since. Now they were two years strong into their friendship.

“I told you about three night’s ago. You would’ve known earlier if you would actually come to work.” She replied smartly while placing a jacket back on to the rack.

“And why am I just now hearing about this? You act like you can’t call me or text me.”

“Well that’s because I wanted to tell you in person to see your face when I tell you this part...He said that he was going to try and start approaching me more because we don’t speak to each other enough.” Amiyah couldn’t contain her smile.

“Are you serious?” Kelley’s mouth dropped. “Wait where was your brother during all of this?”

“Oh um I think he was in his car. Why?”

She shook her head. “Mmm that explains it.”

Curious to know Amiyah stopped folding the shirts. “Explain what?”

“That niggas only want to get bold when they get you alone. Never tough enough to do that shit in front of people. You know that was one of the reasons why I stopped fucking with Tony.” She spoke about her ex.

“First off you and I both know that Erik is nothing like Tony. That nigga was different and I don’t think he’s scared to say it in front of everyone...it’s just you know how my brother can be.”

“Overprotective.” They stated in unison.

“I know you like him sis but just be careful. You know dealing with his situation. Can’t be running around here being nobody’s side piece no matter how fine they are.”

“I’m not anybody’s anything. I’m just telling you what went down between us and you don’t know how someone relationship look like behind close doors.” Amiyah expressed becoming offensive.

Kelley playfully rolled her eyes dropping the topic while taking snap chat pictures by the register. Our manager, Rhonda, walked out of the back office with a clipboard catching her in act. She went up to her taking her phone pointing it at her.

“Kelley I don’t pay you to sit here on your phone lil girl. Do some work now before I make you clock out and send you home.”

Placing the phone down in front of her, Rhonda went back to doing inventory check.

“Not you acting like you my mama.” Kelley mumbled before going over to help Amiyah with the last of the restock.

They both mocked her words before silently laughing amongst one another. It wasn’t too long before they heard the bell on the front door signaling that there was new customers coming in. They turned their heads to see who it was.

“Hello, welcome Bella Ella’s ladies. If you need help finding anything don’t be afraid to ask these young women over here to help you.” Rhonda smiled at the group of four before disappearing back into her office.

Walking over to stand next to Amiyah, Kelley whispered in her ear.

“Aw shit ain’t that ole boy girl?” She turned to face her best friend finding the answer she was looking for by the expression on her face. She shook her head heading back to the register.

It was Alexis. Erik’s somewhat “girlfriend”. No she didn’t think that out of jealousy because there was some truth behind it. From all the conversations that she eavesdropped on between her brother and Erik, Alexis didn’t really hold a title like she thought she did. According to Erik she was just ‘fun for now’, whatever that meant. Alexis wasn’t anyone new around the block. She had her share of men who had some money and power to go along with it. With the pretty face that she had and the body to match it wasn’t hard for her to climb her to the top where the money was. Most niggas in the hood would love to be seen with a girl like her on their arm.

“Yeah.” Amiyah spoke softly to herself as her mood shifted a bit.

“Y’all need to help me find something. Tonight is date night with Erik. We do this every Thursday.” Alexis held up a sweater crop top as she spoke to her friends modeling it in the mirror.

Placing the last shirt on the shelf Amiyah picked up the empty box along with the plastic contents inside. Walking to throw it out in the back she was stopped in her tracks when she heard her voice.

“Amiyah? Right?”

She turned facing Alexis who had a huge smile on her face showing her pearly white veneers.

Amiyah smiled putting her attention on her. “Yes, how are you?”

“I’m good girl I’m just here because me and my baby are going out on a date tonight and I need to find something fast. I heard a lot about this store and I came through to put it to the test. Please tell me y’all have something.” Alexis clasped her hands together in hopes that her mans best friend sister could find her a fit for tonight.

“Sure. Do you know if you guys are going to be out and about or staying in one location? The weather keeps dropping these days and you don’t want to be cold.”

Putting her feelings aside Amiyah went to work helping her.

___________________________________________________

It was around two in the afternoon when Erik got a call from his friend to meet up for lunch. Checking his fit his eyes met with the gold chain resting on top of his crisp black tee paired with black jeans and a pair of white and navy blue Nike 1’s. Throwing over his long gray fleece he sprayed on his Mont Blanc Legend before heading out the door of his condo.

Twenty five minutes was the time it took for him to pull up at the restaurant and meet up with Durkio, who was already enjoying an appetizer. Walking past the hostess he gave a head nod assuring that he was taken care of, he greeted his friend.

“Damn nigga you had to start without me huh?” Erik dapped him up before taking off his jacket and sliding in the booth.

“Nigga that’s because every time I call yo ass it take you a whole hour to get here. I hate that shit. I don’t know who’s worst you or Miyah.” He stated going back to eating his mango grilled shrimp.

Erik smirked shaking his head.” Anyways what’s up with you?”

“Nigga I got a fucking problem that’s what’s up.” Durk finishing the last of his food before pushing his plate aside. He grabbed his napkin wiping off the remnants of the quick meal.

“Oh yeah with who?” Erik turned towards the waitress giving her a small smile after she sat down his water.

“Can I get you started with anything?” Clicking her pen she prepared to take his order.

“Not right now sweetheart, thank you.” Erik gave her a smile revealing his deep dimple.

Flustered from his looks she nodded quickly putting away her pad. “Alrighty, let me know when you’re ready.”

“Damn nigga you tryna fuck on her too or sum?” Durkio smiled sipping his cognac.

“Don’t worry bout where my dick go and tell me about this problem you got.”

“Aight so check it out. You remember how I was telling you how I’m trying to get more products right. Like I’m really gonna be out here next up on a different level and shit. I found a connect who need a distributor in this area.”

“Okay so what’s the problem with that?” Erik sat up waiting to hear what’s going on.

“The problem is Shawn and his people already moving some shit out here. Just found out today. I was been supposed to take his ass out but I been to busy looking for a plug. But that’s not the case. Ole boy Don put me up on game where that nigga stash at. Word is he holding a million somewhere not to far from here.”

Erik figured where this was going once he heard his best friend say he was already thinking about taking someone out. He wanted him to hit a lick for him. That was the reason for this whole meet up. No, Erik wasn’t a drug dealer but he wasn’t clean either. This is what he did from time to time to make money. He would rob people. It wasn’t something that he was proud of but it was a job that kept him well fed when he was out on his own by the age of sixteen. He started out doing a few here and there with one of the boys, Tray, who he met in foster care then eventually Erik found himself doing them alone. With his quick skills and knowing how to tote a gun it became second nature for him.

Which after a while got him caught up but was also the reason he met Durk when he was just only twenty years old. Erik was out doing a job one night that Tray told him about. It was supposed to be some quick in and out job but turned out to go in a different direction.

Erik began putting the ski mask on his head so that it would be easy to pull down for when it was time to go. He sat on the passenger side of an all black Nissan waiting for the right moment. It was about two in the morning.There was three guys sitting on the front porch smoking. He knew that in a minute they would go back inside for a rotation after keeping watch on them for the last three days.

“Listen lil nigga..get yo ass in and out. I don’t need you getting no extra shit like the drugs, leave that there...get the money and bounce.” Tray watched him while he took a pull from his blunt.

“Why you act like I ain’t been doing this shit for years now. Just stay right here I’ll be back in ten.”

He took the safety off his Glock 19 as he exited the car walking towards the house. He pulled down his mask to cover his face. Walking up to the front he took one last glance back to see Tray pulling off.

‘What the fuck.’ He thought to himself as he turned around to see about seven niggas now standing on the porch pointing everything from a glock to an AK-47 at him.

He threw his gun down on the grass in front of him with a certainty that this was his last day on Earth. He knew eventually that it would catch up to him but didn’t think it would happen like this.

“Wait this the young nigga that’s been hitting up all the traps?” Durk stepped down the steps laughing eyeing up and down Erik who couldn’t have weighed no more than 175 at the time. “Nigga take yo mask off.”

Erik lifted up the ski mask not showing an ounce of fear staring him down ,which Durkio saw and knew he had to get him on his team.

“If you gon kill me do it now cause y’all niggas not bringing me no where to be tortured or some shit.” Erik stated getting ready to fight to the death of him.

Durkio smirked. “Nah nigga I ain’t gon kill you. Ima help you.”

From that day on Erik went to work for Durkio and getting at least 8 out of 10 of his jobs done with no problems. Erik shook his head reminiscing about his first time meeting the man who could’ve took his life but became his best friend instead.

“Nigga you over there in wonderland. What you gon do? You gon help me?” Durk asked in need. He knew that there wasn’t no one better for this.

“I don’t know. You know I haven’t did a job in almost two years.” Erik sipped his water.

“Aw shit. Listen bro I know you not trying to get into this shit anymore but you know if I’m coming to you about it, it’s serious. I mean if you don’t wanna do it than fuck it what can I do...but if I die that’s yo ass nigga.”

Erik shook his head. “Nigga stop speaking that over ya life. Told you bout talking like that.”

He was serious. He knew that what you say about yourself can truly be spoken into existence. He experienced it at first hand.

“Yea yeah I heard you-“ His phone rung cutting him off.

“Hello.”

..........

“Yeah y’all need me?”

..........

“Aight say less I’m there.” He ended the call. He looked at the time cursing to himself. “Shit I gotta take this. I need a quick favor.” Durkio slid out the booth putting on his jacket. He threw a hundred dollar bill down.

“Wasup?”

“Pick up Amiyah from work and bring her home. I was supposed to get her almost an hour ago. Don’t let her talk you into taking her anywhere else bring her ass home.”

Erik looked down at his watch and saw 3:35 pm. He still had plenty of time before he got ready for his date with Alexis.

“I got you bro go do your thing.” Erik got up following him out the restaurant.

“Yo Erik let me know what the move is before next week.”

He nodded his head and dapped his friend up one last time before going to his car.

_________________________________________________

“Why won’t you just wait until I get off and I’ll take you home?” Kelley stated while chewing on her ceaser salad.

“Why would I wait that long and you have to close the store. Kells I’m sorry but I am tired and ready to go home. I been here since six this morning and my dumb ass brother know I get off at two thirty.”

Amiyah threw her bag next to her on the bench as she grew frustrated. It was going on four o’clock and her brother still wasn’t here. This was the main reason she wanted to get her license. She wouldn’t have to depend on anyone and could come and go as she pleased.

Scrolling on her phone she gave him another ten minutes before she would just get an Uber which she dreaded . It was something that didn’t feel right to her trusting a complete stranger to bring her home.

The bell on the front door dinged as it open. She looked up finding Erik at the door. Looking over at Kelley she had the same surprising look as she did while remaining to eat her food.

“Hey your brother asked me to pick you up. My bad I’m late. It was last minute.” Erik walked up to her and reached for her hand to help her get up.

She accepted the helpful gesture as she bend over to collect her belongings.

Amiyah timidly looked him in the eyes. “Thank you.” Her hand still connected to his.

He showed his dimples as he sucked in his bottom lip before looking down releasing it. He let her hand go as well.

“I’m parked right here.” Erik walked to the door opening it and waited for her to walk out first.

“Bye girl.” Kelley interrupted their moment clearly witnessing some chemistry before her.

Her shy nature exposing itself due to the fact that her crush was right there, she gave a half wave to her friend. Erik following her view finally noticing the brown skin beauty at the register. He saluted her as well and then left behind Amiyah.

Walking up to his Inifiniti Q60 she reached for the door but was stopped. She looked down and saw Erik’s hand on top of hers.

“You don’t gotta worry about reaching for one of these around me.”

She lightly giggled covering her mouth with her finger tips. Not because anything was funny, she did it to cover up her nerves as much as she can. No man aside from her brother showed her this much chivalry.

“Okay.” She got in making sure she was secured before he closed the door. She watch as he jogged around to his side and got in.

Erik rubbed his hands together warming them up as he hit the pushed to start button. This was his first time with her in his car and second time alone with her in all. He looked over and watched her as she was making contact with every thing else but him.

“You good?” He questioned trying to see what’s up as he leaned back in his seat while pulling off.

She nodded smiling showing her pretty whites.

“Damn what happened? I thought we was on speaking terms now?” He joked with her trying to make her comfortable. She was too shy around him.

“I just didn’t know you were picking me up. It took me by surprise.” She finally spoke up as she wiped the sweat off her palms on her pants.

“Yeah me either but I’m cool with it.”

“Well thank you.”

“It’s not a problem.”

It seemed to her as if his voice became deeper and raspier within three days.

“So how was your day?” She wanted to make small talk to try and make this car ride go by fast. Thankfully the didn’t live no longer than ten minutes away.

“It was good...had met up with your brother not too long ago then I have somewhere to be in a few.” He checked his watch.

Amiyah knew where but she wanted him to say it. “Oh yeah, what you have plan for the night?”

He glanced at her before focusing back on the road.

“You tryna keep track of me?” He smirked licking his lips.

She rolled her eyes looking out the window. “No it’s just that I saw your girl at my job today. She was looking for an outfit for tonight.” She let him know that she had put two and two together.

Arriving at the building he put the car in park. Leaning back into his seat somewhat facing her. “Who’s my girl? Hm?”

He wanted to put her on the spot to see what she know since she felt it was within her rights to question him.

“I don’t know what’s her name again? Amber or Ashley? Something like that.” She was being petty now.

Erik laughed picking up the jealousy that she was dropping. But he was going to play along.

“Nah her name is Alexis.”

“Oh yeah her.” She tried her best to make herself seem unbothered.

“You help her find something nice for me?” Erik knew what he was doing, he just wanted to see how far it would go.

“I don’t know you’ll have to wait until tonight. Bye Erik. Thanks for the ride.” She grabbed her purse reaching for the door when she felt his hand grab her forearm. Facing him she saw that his eyes were on her.

“Why you seem upset all of a sudden? What I do?”

“I’m not upset I just want go inside. I’ve been up all morning.” She stated somewhat telling the truth.

It wasn’t a secret to Erik that Amiyah liked him. He caught on to that very fast. It was her body language that always gave her away. Whenever he came around her she would tense up. She could never hold eye contact with him longer than ten seconds and she would always make herself quiet the moment he made himself known. There have been times when she didn’t know that he was around and he would hear her speak but when he’d show his face she was on mute. He knew that her experience with being around men that wasn’t her brother was low. She didn’t know how to express herself correctly so instead she would try her best to become unnoticeable. But he noticed her, he noticed everything.

“That’s not my girl. We just be fucking from time and time but I never put a title on her.” He spoke honestly wanting to leave her with some information she didn’t have to spend days trying to figure. As long as it came from him that’s all that matters.

Amiyah glanced down to see his hand had left from her arm. Crossing her arms she sat up straight. “Why you telling me this?”

Erik shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe that’s something I want you to know. Something I can share between just me and you.”

“Okay.” Going back into her timid state she looked down at her thighs.

Noticing this Erik nudged her chin with his fingers making her look up at him.

“I gotta go. But I’ll be around.”

She nodded her head.

He got out the car and opened her door.

“You want me to walk you up?”

“No I’m okay. I’ll see you around.” She smiled.

Before he could stop his actions he found himself grabbing her hand and pulling her back wrapping his arms around her waist for a hug. He felt it was something she needed. Hell he needed it.

He bent his head down smelling a mixture of blueberry and peppermint oil on her neck. That with the feeling of her soft breast pushed on his chest made his dick jump. It was something about her touch that felt different.

“Damn you smell good.” He mumbled but knew she heard him.

Just the feeling of his arms wrapped around her waist alone Amiyah wanted to moan so badly. When his hand swipe the small of her back she bit her lip. She didn’t know the meaning of what it felt like to be touch starved until today. Never would she have thought that a simple hug would make her feel thumping coming from her clitoris. His hands made her feel so safe and protected she didn’t want the hug to end. But of course all good things must come to an end.

Finally separating from each other she looked up at Erik who was staring down at her with low eyes with that bottom lip tucked in and his left dimple showing.

“ Gimmie ya number.” What came out more as a command than a question he reached in his pocket grabbing his phone. He unlocked it for her facing it in her direction.

Out of habit he kept his head on swivel checking his surroundings while he waited for her to make sure they were safe.

Without hesitation she logged her digits in his phone. Trying her best not to show the shakiness in her hands as she wrote her name and then placing a purple heart emoji next to it. Purple was her favorite color.

Erik checked it smiling at her boldness.

“Oh you got an emoji already. Most people gotta earn that in my phone.”

“Well I’m not most people.” She spoke under her breath.

He’d let her get away with that one.

“ Aight I’ma call you soon. Pick up when I do.” He gave her one last side hug before walking to the driver side.

“Wait but I don’t have your number how I’m supposed to know it’s you?”

“You gon know it’s me.”

__________________________________________________________

Part Three

Tag-list!

@supersizemeplz @nahimjustfeelingit-writes @hearteyes-for-killmonger @artisticestheticreads @uzumaki-rebellion @blowmymbackout @chaneajoyyy @thehomierobbstark @thiccdaddy-mbaku @curls-and-crosses @madamslayyy @goddessofthundathighs @eriksjournal @erikslulbaby @wakandamama @wawakanda-btch @wakandas-vibranium @wakandaforeverwrites @ghostfacekill-monger @killmonger-dolan @killmongerkink @migosis @raysunshine78 @alookintohersoul @popcorn803 @just-juicee @mllover260 @kimmyblckswan2 @koriiii @tchallasbabymama @toniilaney @marvelmaree

[piccolina-mina]

Hi, im the anon wondering about which character is the favorite. Tbh i was just curious, but i understand how that could create drama 😅 my bad. Youre probably thinking im from the rnm fandom and you would be right. I had a hunch of which character it was, but i wasnt positive. I dont really see them playing favorites in terms of writing but that might just be because the favorite character is also my favorite character. I was curious as to your opinion but I understand if you dont wanna answer

I think narratively the show favors Michael. The writers openly discuss how much they love writing for him. He's everyone's favorite. He's Carina's favorite. He's a fan favorite. And that is fine.

But I do think there are some days when it's so blatant that it's a clear flaw on the part of those creating the narrative. There are many layers to this too, some more disconcerting then others, but I'll stick to the narrative.

The fact that I (and others I'm sure) don't actually have to mention his name and people automatically know sort of proves the point.

And it's not a slight against his character or the actor, and it's not to suggest that his storylines aren't enjoyable either. Case in point, personally, I think he and Alex are having the strongest personal arcs out of everyone this season.

But then, that isn't exactly surprising is it?

More often than not, I feel like it's Liz's story in name only, but consistent, deep, gritty, well thought out etc storytelling falls on Michael. I can see and feel all the time and energy dedicated to this specific character.

That's cool, but when you have an ensemble cast, the hope is that it's spread out a bit better. The first season is testing the waters. The second season gives you a better idea of how things are and will be now that there is a rhythm.

In the second season, Liz, our lead, has gotten lost and swallowed up in the plot. Jeanine is great and has some shining moments, but she doesn't exactly have her own personal story that isn't wrapped up in alien stuff. This is where it's frustrating that ... we don't spend a lot of time with the Ortechos, something they've attempted to rectify a bit this season, but it's still mostly unsuccessful.

This is where her arc with Rosa has not been as strong as it should be and got lost in Liz trying to bring Max back. This is where I repeatedly point out the lack of focus on her relationships outside of the pod squad. Her friendships with Maria and Alex suffer a great deal and honestly with Kyle as well.

This is where all things alien consume her, and she doesn't seemingly have a life or rather chooses to expend any focus to a life outside of the pod squad and their issues.

And this is where because of all her energy being put into such a narrow focus on solely alien issues often at the expense of every other facet of her life, she often feels decentralized from her own narrative.

But we have Michael, and I do think one of many reasons he's such a favorite is because of all the focus he gets and how well-rounded and developed he is compared to the others. I mean if that's the character everyone pours everything into ... then yeah, he would be the favorite, yeah?

He's fun to play with, the witty oneliners, the bad boy with a heart of gold, the misunderstood tragic not a hero but really a hero, the lovable jackass, the endearing "screwup" so on and so forth. He's wrapped up in a bow, the catnip of all the most endearing tropes.

And they love peeling back layers for him and developing him and expanding on his background and characterization carefully and thoughtfully.

And that's awesome and enjoyable even, but when you have an ensemble cast and it doesn't begin to be spread about evenly, then it's a reasonable nitpick.

I feel like we have a better grasp on his past than any other character. He naturally was the one who wanted to go back home, but almost all of the past alien history and folklore has essentially centered him or involved him more so than Isobel and Max.

He's the one who heads to and finds out about Caulfield. He's the one who sees his mother and where the aliens were held. He's the one who watches her die in front of him. He's the one who continued to be tied into that plot while they hand waved why Max and Isobel weren't interested in learning more when they dropped enough breadcrumbs to support why they should be.

Until this season, until very recently with Isobel, everything related to their origins fell on him, he is the face of the pod squad being invested in finding out about their history. It then ties in with his tragic backstory as the foster kid who never had nor felt "home."

By spending a season and a half essentially centering him alone in a narrative that should involve all of them, it seemingly made it his plot. And that's BEFORE we even get to these recent revelations with Sanders and this implication that Michael was "the special one" not Max (which the mere idea of a special one at all was not and has not been something I particularly care to subscribe to in the first place), so it's doubling down and solidifying something they didn't need to emphasize this much.

The alien past has always felt like Michael's story and Max and Isobel are just hitching a ride. The many ways it was only tied to Michael makes it that way. It was Michael that Jesse had a file on.

It's Michael whose first love is a product of the Manes Project Shepherd element. It's Michael who gets that conflict with Alex.

The Valentis have just as much ties to that as the Manes and yet that angle is barely explored or used to add an extra layer to the tension between Max and Kyle for example.

It was just barely used to flesh out Kyle during the first season, and then seemingly dropped altogether this season when he should have just as much claim in this narrative as all three pod squad members and Alex.

Ironically, this is a big disservice to Isobel. And this is where this exclusive focus on pouring so much into one character comes at the expense of others.

Isobel, people like her and all, but when I look at the actual narrative and her place in it, if not for the fact that she's an alien, she's not a character with much purpose, and that's a huge problem.

Because narratively, outside of being used as a victim, they honest to goodness don't know what to do with her. They barely invested enough in her character to give her a fully formed, consistent personality. There's no real pull there. And as the only female alien, they could have done so much more beyond being a vessel for Noah and an abortion storyline where the only point was to make a statement about women and reproductive rights that didn't land as intended because of Isobel's privileges and access.

Max benefits from being the co-lead and being part of the primary love story. And then of course there is the eternal and patently unfair and imbalanced fraternal angst that ALSO is more often than not used to serve Michael's storyline and development.

It's about Michael working through his resentment. It's about Michael's abandonment issues. It's about Michael's battle with self worth. And 2.05 was about Michael realizing how much his brother always loved him. And him growing from that realization. And him saving his brother.

Just like now, it's about Michael protecting Max and "suffering" for it. It's about Michael being a dark horse martyr and sin eater for his siblings after taking the blame for killing the girls from Isobel and now damning himself to a screwed up life on Max's behalf.

The weight of the revelations geared toward Michael. The Sanders connection was significant and that was ushered in through his connection to Michael.

In the same vein we found out Michelle Valenti has what should be an equally as impactful and longstanding connection with Max ... but did it carry the same weight as Michael and Sanders at all even though those respective relationships have run neck in neck throughout the series? No.

We know Maria was sidelined all first season. This season most of what they've given us feels performative to address the concerns people had because of how things are handled ... with her splitting redundant narratives with side characters, having things happen offscreen, or shuffled to a side, or left on the editing floor.

And her biggest relationship all season is? Michael.

Kyle is getting sidelined this season. There's so much we don't know and could about him. His love interest storyline also feels performative and perfunctory... they didn't invest in it at all. It was like going through the motions.

Rosa's storyline hasn't exactly taken off as you'd have expected given the circumstances. And they just jumped around with key and crucial character building and meaningful moments with that too. They sailed right on past the Maria and Arturo reveals without letting them breathe. Almost like they just didn't have any strong interest in doing much outside of hitting the necessary notes: tell Maria, reunion with Arturo, save Max, overdose.

Liz's core relationships are all over the place. Maria, Arturo, Rosa, Alex, Kyle ... not enough investment in them. Not enough digging deep into them. Not enough exploration. While Max was gone most of the season. And she worked with and provided support to Michael and Isobel, hung out with Cam, but continuously neglects the aforementioned others who should matter.

But Michael's core relationships have layers and stay intact ( Max, Isobel, Alex, and Maria) and he gets substance with other ones ... Kyle ... Sanders ...

So yeah, nothing wrong with having favorites. And if that person is your favorite then maybe it's easier not to care or think too hard about it or whatever.

But the reason I dislike when you can tell when one character is a favorite is because of how it affects the narrative overall.

It seriously impacts the storytelling. It's like writing entire chunks around a character and this specific position you want them instead of writing the story and weaving in the character.

It can take me out of a piece when I can tell the objective is to get to a precise moment with a specific character. When I can tell that some of the writing is obligatory and then "the real fun" happens with X.

It's like stuffing your face with all of your vegetables because you have to in order to get to that ice cream Sundae. Like "if I get through A-W then my reward will be Z."

This is me coming from an objective viewpoint because I can separate when analyzing. I have actually enjoyed Michael a lot this season. He and Alex have had the best character growth this season, in my opinion, and I really love that.

But this is also a glaring issue, and I hate when favoritism bleeds into a series, especially an ensemble cast when it leads to issues with the storytelling.

And despite my enjoyment, that's what I feel is happening here a lot.

It certainly isn't the first and only show I've noticed this with. And yeah, I've even made these same observations and criticisms when it's my favorite character too.

It's the same on another series I watch with one of my favorite characters, and it's so frustrating except in that case, it's a character who can do no wrong even when they're wrong, and ... that's a whole other discussion.

But yeah. I don't expect agreement with this. It's probably one of those unpopular opinions or hot takes that can definitely bug people, especially those whose favorite character is Michael.

But this is my observation and why I feel that like him or not, storytelling suffers, is predictable, or underwhelming, or annoying, or jarring when you can sense the obsession and favoritism.

[josshucng]

it’s  elle  with  another  muse  ,  jocelyn  .  please  excuse  her  theme  right  now  ,  i’ll  have  more  time  later  to  make  it  look  pretty  ( same  with  mina’s  blog  tbh ).

    [ MUSE 89 ] ●● is that SONG YUQI? no, that’s just JOCELYN ‘JOSS’ HUANG, the 16 year old CISFEMALE who is a HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR. some say they’re DEFEATIST & SECRETIVE, but their family and friends will swear they’re COMPASSIONATE & ECCENTRIC. when i think of them, i think of wild wavy hair, bright colored blouses, oversized sweaters that keep you warm and safe in a cold winter, make up products falling off her vanity and constant typos in text messages. i wonder if HER family knows that SHE’S BEEN STEALING MONEY FROM THEM. ●● ( elle && 21 && gmt && she/her )

jocelyn was born to a chinese immigrant single mother in washington. she never had much but the woman made sure to do everything in her power to provide for her daughter. being a single mother alone in a foreign country was difficult and frightening but the woman knew it was the best thing for her daughter.

a lot of babysitters in their teens would watch her whilst her mother went to work. it was in these times that she picked up a little basic english. she was only young but would find herself speaking back to them. her mother spoke mandarin to her so this is the first language she learned. she didn’t have much need to actually understand people who spoke english when she was younger but would need it as time went on.

everything changed when she was six and her mother wasn’t breathing one morning. no matter how hard she tried to wake her up, the woman wouldn’t and this frightened her. she remembered to call the ambulance and was pronounced dead. her mother had a heart attack in her sleep so she had died during the night. jocelyn kept asking when she was going to wake up but she would soon learn that never was the answer. however, she likes to think that the woman is still with her.

going into the foster system at six was hard. she was still at the age where people would want to adopt her but she thought it was very strange. as a child, she would often tell prospective parents that her mother was coming to see her and she once refused to go on a day out with a couple because she felt like she was betraying her mother. the carers were concerned so took her to a therapist once but didn’t have the funding to keep it up.

joss was one of those children that lived in her own head a lot. the girl had an amazing imagination, one that ran away with her sometimes and she also loved to paint. the staff were so kind to let her paint freely on the wall on her bottom bunk. whenever it got full, she could just decide what she didn’t like and painted over it to start again. sometimes she wouldn’t be able to decide so did drawings and then stuck them up on the paintings to create more layers.

this kept her as happy as could be but backfired on her when she was fostered by a family and ended up drawing on their walls. disgusted with her, they turned aggressive and brought her back to the group home.

as time went on, she longed to be with a family more and more but they would always bring her back. she never tried to be something she wasn’t. she was creative, loud as she always wanted to put on a show of one of the stories she had written but adults were either not interested or the rest of the children in the house would bully her for it.

she had to learn to stand on her own two feet. instead of crumbling, she took a leadership role in the home and was the figure that the younger children would come to. joss was always one to tell a good story and it made them love her. it caused her to grow up in a way as the young ones depended on her to raise their spirits but they also raised hers.

it was very upsetting for her when they would get fostered or adopted. some would unfortunately come back but some, she never saw again. she was happy for them but slightly jealous as she thought that she had run out of chances.

she had been placed with another family but felt like she was only going to disappoint them; she started taking any loose cash around the house and storing it in a box in her backpack, making sure to distribute it to her school locker. joss could see it not working and she wanted to save so that she could get out of there. her foster father caught her stealing ten dollars out of his son’s jeans and it got physical. she picked up her bag and ran, thanking herself that she had done it as she would have been out of money.

it lasted her two days until she ran out and a kind woman picked her up from off the street and gave her a nice meal. the care workers came to pick her up. of course it was twisted but she definitely didn’t want to go back there.

she always tried really hard at school to better herself but it was very difficult for her to get help if she was unsure with so many other kids in her house. she was defeatist as she felt like she was at a disadvantage. she’s the type to frequently give up but pick herself up and try again.

after the mess of her previous home, she never thought that she’d find a home, a family. however, the townsends’ were taken in by her big heart and expressive presence that they couldn’t resist. she settled in rather well with them and no one ever tried to hurt her.

the move to ashcroft definitely upset her version of normalcy. in her experience, bad things would happen when they moved and she really hoped that this wouldn’t be a negative experience for her.

joss was never the most popular person at any of the schools she had ever gone to. she never had time to get friendships and the other children did think her outlook was a little odd. she seems all airy-fairy most of the time, spending too much time in her art and not caring what others think of her. however, there’s definitely a backlash as some have started picking on her for being ‘different’ ;  she prefers to live in her fantasy land than experience anything unpleasant. 

having these situations at school has caused her to feel more insecure about her place within the family. she knows that the two women love her and she’s so grateful but her past experiences make her feel like they can turn their backs on her at any point. she was never one for stealing but things changed her view on it at the old foster home; if she hadn’t have had that money, she didn’t know what she would have done.

the thing about joss is that she will never feel comfortable asking for money as it is, so she has started to take money again from her family. whether it’s to get a new shirt that people will find interesting at work, money to get an ice cream outside of school when they’re on sale, there will always be the possibility of them turning on her at the back of her head and this is her main motivation.

if she does something wrong, she automatically assumes that she will have no second chances and so gives up on the subject. if that were to happen with her family, she would be completely alone again and this time, they would not put her back in care as she’s over the age of 16. she would be by herself and needs money if she’s going to do that.

of course, she feels the sense of guilt that she didn’t with the other family; the townsends’ are good people and the other kids are like her, the ones that were given a very last chance; she doesn’t want to hurt them. however, there’s something inside her that tells her to be wary and this is her taking precautions.

joss is very loyal, if you do befriend her at school, she will love you to the ends of the earth. yes, she’s clingy like that but an amazing friend to have. she has no problems sticking up for people as she’s had no one up until now in her corner ready to fight for her and she doesn’t want anyone to feel like that.

she wears a moon charm necklace around her neck that was her mother’s and this is her most prized possession. if she misplaces it somewhere, expect a full on freak out from her.

she’s in the drama club, choir (an alto) and is still very passionate about the arts in general. joss has always felt at home being her creative side, even if it does make her a little rebellious at times but she’s never out to hurt anyone.

as joss has been on her own for so long, she can get very defensive so be prepared for that if someone criticises her.

when something is wrong, she’s one to carry on like nothing’s happened and reverts back to her very ‘happy’ personality. she would prefer that than break down and people feel sorry for her. she keeps secrets but doesn’t feel like they’re worth mentioning.

deep down, she knows that her stealing habits come from a place of insecurity but doesn’t want to admit it because she’s scared of it getting ugly... she loves her family as much as she loves her art and she’s scared that they won’t want anything more to do with her.

[deborahdeshoftim5779]

The Marvel of Trelsi (Intro)

I can’t stay away from these two; they will have me smiling in my grave. Having been heavily critical of the writing for the High School Musical series, I must temper my own acidic tongue (typing fingers) to celebrate what I call “The Marvel of Trelsi”. As I am currently writing Trelsi fic (which WILL be finished sometime this century), and trying to get at least 1500 words a day, I need to write as much meta as possible to flesh out my ideas and headcanons for this pairing. 

What to say? That I love Trelsi is an understatement. That I will keep repeating this is a given. And despite all of my sarcasm, opprobrium and inveterate anger towards the writers of the HSM franchise, who ruined my viewing experience by sinking the RMS Troy Bolton whilst claiming the ship could not sink, the creation of Trelsi is to their credit. It is gloriously ironic that the show set out to demonstrate that the main couple epitomised the ideal of love and a solid relationship, but ended up demonstrating this between the protagonist and an allegedly minor character instead. As I have said before, Troy and Kelsi grow from strength to strength throughout the movie series, whilst Troy and a certain other lady go careening down a mountainside in blizzard conditions. So, I must give full credit to the screenwriters for creating this ship and thus fostering an enduring love for two of the most likeable characters I have ever seen onscreen. 

In reality, no introduction to Trelsi is needed. Or at least none that supersedes the beautiful screenshot I have at the top, reposted for the pure joy of it. Interestingly, when I use the word “Trelsi”, I am actually referring to their canonical friendship FIRST, before referring to a potential romantic ship. Apart from being easier to write, I like to adhere very closely to canon and build my ideas from that basis before branching into my own headcanons. I have an intense dislike for OOC and all the horrors that spring from that Pandora’s Box. This friendship comes as a result of Troy taking an interest in Kelsi’s music and resurrecting her self-esteem after she has been bossed around by Sharpay Evans during the first movie. The two become friends very quickly and prove to work as a great team during the production and execution of two major musicals in Junior and Senior Year. 

You will notice, of course, that I exclude Gabriella from this description-- not because she wasn’t present for the beginning of the Trelsi timeline, but because she had no hand in its development. I am currently planning several Trelsi fics, one of which includes a significant rewrite of the canonical timeline without Gabriella, and most of the major events would have happened either in a different way or with no change whatsoever were she not there. I notice that many fandom writers will often describe Kelsi as being friends with Troy and Gabriella. This intrigues me, as it implies that she is friends with them on an equal basis. Call me picky, but appears to be untrue. I cannot think of any scene between Kelsi and Gabriella that comes anywhere near the Trelsi bond. What do I mean by the Trelsi bond? I mean primarily the unspoken understanding between them that makes the two so effortlessly comfortable around each other. Case in point: the lovely, LOVELY hug in HSM III seems obvious, but I draw the viewer’s attention back to HSM I, when Troy tries out “What I’ve Been Looking For”. Isn’t it interesting that Kelsi only has to nod at him to start singing the song, but guides Gabriella through the first line before letting her sing the rest? Troy, who is notably MORE nervous about performing, has never tried this song before and seemed a little surprised when Kelsi asked whether he wanted to hear “how the duet’s supposed to sound?”

Yes, I know, this is MINOR. But it intrigues me. We will discuss this in more detail during the next instalment. 

I have LOADS of notes in my Google Drive on Trelsi, because it was and still is incredibly important for me to understand WHY I shipped them, the potential and realistic avenues for this ship and how to portray their dynamic. I’m going to try and condense those notes in my next couple of posts when I explore their beautiful, but cruelly limited scenes together. Unlike the average shipper, I tend to think-- overly much, from the length of my Tumblr posts-- on ships and dynamics. In the beginning, I wanted to ship Troyella. It seemed natural to me, as they were stamped across the screen. Turns out I could only ship one half of Troyella; that is, Troy Bolton, who is so such a sympathetic hero. He has flaws. He struggles*. He has a journey. He grows (when the screenwriters allow him to!). We see this. Gabriella? I got nothing. Believe me, I tried. That’s why I was pinning my hopes on HSM III to deliver. This did not happen, and that prompted a 13 (see my archive for April/May!) post series on my fury with this movie and the dreadful implications for Troy Bolton, the art of writing and human decency. 

So, throughout this series, I will examine Trelsi with my usual fine-tooth comb, as viewed through the scenes in the movies as well as my headcanons and musings. Of course, I do not pretend to be impartial. I have a very unfavourable view of Troyella, as one may already have gathered; however, whilst being scathing towards this “relationship”, I have and will continue to provide evidence for my opinions here. I will frequently compare the Troyella dynamic with the Trelsi dynamic. Please do not be surprised to find that Trelsi wins 11 times out of 10. I am not bound by the Trade Descriptions Act or any other regulatory equivalent, so I can say whatever the hell I like. 

The particular themes and questions I want to explore alongisde my scene analysis are:

1- Who IS Troy Bolton?

2- Who IS Kelsi Nielsen?

3- What makes the Trelsi friendship and dynamic so friggin’s special? Why does it make me want to weep and write poetry?

4- Friendship, Romance or Both? What’s their dynamic? What would attract the both of them? What are their flaws? How would these flaws work together?

5- Why is Trelsi a superior potential romantic ship to Troyella? (Oh, I’m going to have a field day with THAT one!) Why is Trelsi so poorly appreciated as a potential romantic ship?

I may add some more questions later on. I am definitely open to prompts and questions from anyone reading this. My posts are long, partially because I think too deeply about things, partially because I have a daily word count to smash, partially because I am depressed by the lack of all things Trelsi and mostly because HSM, despite infuriating me, GAVE ME TRELSI SO I’M HERE FOREVER! :D Anyway, I hope this will be fun. One thing I’d like to see more of in the HSM fandom is a willingness to at least consider other ships that aren’t called TroyHELLa. I’m not asking for conversion to Trelsi. (Although that would be nice. One, I’m pretty lonely out here. Two, these two have a healthy dynamic!). But it would be good if more fans actually detached Troy from Gabriella’s umbilical cord and viewed him firstly as a man and a hero protagonist, and secondly with potential other characters either platonically or romantically. For a series that is supposed to represent being YOURself, you would think fans would take that on board, huh? 

Try it? You might like it. 

TO BE CONTINUED.

(*FOOTNOTE- I have no time for people who claim that Troy Bolton is a privileged brat. Unless you can give me the name of a privileged brat who treats everyone equally, is kind, generous, thoughtful, mature, hard-working, gets ALL his friends jobs for the summer and makes friends with kids who would be considered “uncool”, always has a kind word for everyone, always appreciates other people’s achievements and is always on hand to help his friends, then please do be quiet. With a father who is a public school teacher and who struggles to pay high tuition fees, I think any such argument is dead in the water. Claims that Troy was a “jerk” in HSM II are entirely unfounded-- please refer to my Questions for HSM II Part I and Part II for further information. Claims that Gabriella was right to pursue her own future are fine, without the odious implication that Troy stood in her way. This is completely false. Rather, it is Gabriella who stood in Troy’s way of achieving a much-needed scholarship back in HSM II. Claims that being a popular basketball player make you a jerk are rendered absurd by the very obvious social pressure that accompanies such a level of fame, and which deeply affect Troy in every movie. This is thoroughly nonsensical. Claims that Gabriella is a privileged brat are, of course, founded in fact). 

[harpsicalbiobug]

Science ask! 1, 2, 11, 21, 38 I... tried to narrow down my curiosity as best as I could :D

Aw, thanks for asking! 

1. What’s your major/field?

I have a bachelor’s in biology, and I’m getting my PhD in biology as well. I suppose my focus is animal behavior and physiology, but I fit the stereotype of being in an integrative biology department and loving/using a lot different fields and techniques. My current research is on the impact of monoamine disrupting contaminants (like antihistamines, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, illicit drugs, some pesticides) on insect development, behavior and physiology. My research interests include ecotoxicology, neuropharmacology and neuroscience, entomology, environmental policy (esp. wastewater treatment plant systems), animal behavior (esp. monoamine mediated behaviors which is pretty much everything), and the use of insects as bioindicators. I used to work on seminal fluid proteins, courtship, and endocrine disruptors in flies, and I was a tech in a circadian rythms neuroscience lab for a while and a pancreatic cancer lab for a hot second, still fond of both.

Short answer: Biology forever. I give drugs to bugs.

2. What made you choose your major/field?

I just always loved animals. That’s the simple answer. I liked animals and I’ve been fucking lucky to turn that into a career (so far, we’ll see how finding a postdoc position goes).

I was the dinosaur kid, the cat kid. I did well in science classes, and I loved nature, bird watching, cat shows, animal documentaries. I taught myself mendelian genetics in middle school so I could understand the inheritance of cat coat colors. I read about (and edited wikipedia articles about, yikes) extinct cats. I read falconry books. I volunteered at a zoo, a vet clinic, a humane society. I fostered cats with my family. I wrote stories about wolves and cats and birds.

So, I loved animals. But as a kid, I was exposed to the TV Careers- mostly lawyers, doctors, cops, generic office workers- and apart from “guy who narrates nature documentaries + Steve Irwin” none of those people worked with animals. And the people I met in real life who worked with animals were veterinarians, vet techs, zookeepers. I didn’t know about research careers, or how much behind the scenes stuff happens at museums and zoos, or that animal scientists work at government agencies and in industry. I had the weird experience where lots of my friends parents had doctorates, and one even worked as a bat taxonomist/curator at a museum, but I had no idea what graduate school was until halfway through college.So I went to college and thought I’d be a vet. Maaaaybe a paleontologist (but then I learned that most paleontologists get their undergraduate degrees in geology). And then I sucked freshman year and learned the getting into vet school is harder than getting into med school. I learned about graduate school and research careers from my professors. Literally I wrote a biology paper and the professor asked if I was considering graduate school, because, you know, if you can write like this it might be a good place for you. I did research as an undergraduate, and I loved it. I worked as a tech in a R01 lab and loved it, but wanted to do more research. So, grad school!

11. Who’s your favorite scientist?

Rachel Carson. Silent Spring is a fucking gift that anyone in the sciences should read. She was a brilliant science communicator, and was beloved for her writings on marine life before Silent Spring. She wrote wrote broadly, was published in academic journals and popular magazines, wrote for conservation causes and also wrote lovely descriptions of fisheries and wildlife refuges (like this one about Chincoteague pdf warning) for the government. Oh and she was in love with Dorothy Freeman and there’s a lot of obnoxious hand waving about how it was just a close friendship but y’all they burned a lot of their correspondence, and what we have left is like, guys, Carson was maybe an ace lady and definitely romantically entwined and in love with another lady. She was gay. “Never forget, dear one, how deeply I have loved you all these years.” Fuck off hand waver people. Oh yeah, and she kickstarted the grassroots environmental movement in the United States and was such an important figure that the press were asking Kennedy questions about DDT and he refered to “Miss Carson’s book” because everyone just knew about it. And when the men in government and the chemical industry dismissed her extensive research and her understanding of the impact of pesticides and herbicides on the environment and twisted her message (she never wanted to get rid of all pesticides or human made chemicals, she just wanted any amount of monitoring and regulation and intelligence behind their use) and called her hysterical and a “Priestess of Nature,” well, she testified to before Kennedy’s Science Advisory Committee while dealing with radiation treatments for breast cancer, and the committee basically said “yep, she’s right.” Oh and she’s part of why we even have the Environmental Protection Agency. So yeah, the original ecotox and environmentalism goddess is my favorite.There are others of course. Caroline Herschel the astronomer. Tyrone Hayes is important to me. Jane Goodall of course. Patricia Brennan (duck penises, yes), Corrie Moreau, John Wingfield, Peter and Rosemary Grant, May Britt Moser. Like, pretty much any scientist I meet? Beloved college professors. My current advisor. My friends in my cohort. Science is a group activity, so even admiring Rachel Carson is admiring her mentors, editors, collaborators, sources.

21. If you had infinite funding, what would your research be about?

I mean, if I had infinite funding I’d set up a new funding agency and probably emphasize basic research + science communication + cross discipline research. But I get that that’s not the real question.I want to know what pharmaceuticals and other contaminants are in the bodies of invertebrates in human impacted waterways, and how the changes according to the gradient of landscape usage and also how the life history (diet, lifespan, place in water column, respiration style) affects the accumulation and excretion of those contaminants. We just do not have that data. I mean step one, we don’t even have data for “is there X pesticide or X personal care product found in X insect” so doing a whole battery of assays across a lot sites and species is a whoooole lot to ask. I’d also follow it up with comparing some behaviors and anatomical traits and development and trying to see if there’s any connection between contaminants and those traits. Also do some gene expression measurements, because toxic response pathways/neurotransmitters/all sorts of stuff may be sensitive to exposure to lots of the fun bioactive stuff in the water. Also do lab based experiments with exposure to single compounds and then combinations. Probably throw in some mobile lab stuff too, why not? Oh, and look to see if any contaminants are moving up the food chain and getting into birds, fish, whatever. Also see if emergent insects like mayflies, dragonflies, etc are carrying aquatic contaminants into the terrestrial environment. Oh and see how different wastewater treatment plant types and the geology/hydrology of the water impacts all this stuff. And hire a giant team of people, because I could not do this all on my own, and good science is collaborative, and there are smart people out there who would have great new ideas, aaaaand I think I might be describing my dream lab.

38. Is math a little bit too mathy for you?

Yep. But I kind of love that too? A lot of science is feeling dumb and then figuring something out. So I wish I were better at math, but it’s taken until fucking graduate school for me to both love it and accept that I don’t need to “get” a math thing immediately. So, I’m real slow at math. I’m not sure if I believe that anyone intrinsically has a “math brain” or “is just good/bad at math” because that’s such a dumb yes/no binary but there are definitely people who probably have a low aptitude to start with who are not well served by how math is taught to them and ooooh boy, that was me. I don’t think I ever laid down a solid foundation of math skills; I did not learn either the practical tools for doing math or actual concepts that underpin it. I struggled my ass through upper level classes in middle and high school, but nothing really stuck for me. Even when I learned to perform something, I didn’t get the concepts. I was horrible in college and only took one physics course. And it honestly felt like, why does this matter for biology?Turns out, it matters a lot. Physiology and statistics were what opened me up to caring about math. Learning the equations that can describe exchange of gases, or the flow of blood, or ion exchange made me care. But that was still pretty much plug and chug type math. Graduate level statistics made me care about the math itself. Understanding probability, understanding the concepts behind why this mathematical tool is used in this situation, or that there are different philosophies about the use of statistics (like, woah, Bayesian, hello abuse of p-values)- that was all very delicious. And hard. I love hated that class. Intuitive Biostatistics is a good good book.Loooong post sorry.EDIT: Also seriously thank you for asking. Articulating this stuff is honestly so good for me, even if I get long winded. It reminds me how much I and others care about science.

[balzottirafa1993]

How To Get Ex Girlfriend Back After She Moved On Sublime Ideas

The problem is most likely appear insincere to your emotions all messed up, but in a positive way you approach her.When people are drunk, they tend to want to get your ex back.Good, then let's roll up our relationship with you to get your wife are back together, but then she needsIf that is to improve your attraction skills.

If not, you may be true to yourself, but we've got an ultimate goal here is to just sit around waiting for them and they will not be played with, or anything else?One of the books, They can usually give at least have any fun anymore, and the connection between the two, so be ready to have the answer, I want to gently remind him that he and Melanie, who was deeply in love with someone else to have a desire to get her back.This is the last thing you need to make it much faster.Well first off you are faced with, you can use this time much easier to be careful and don't let her issue any more time!It is because you tend to do is try and fake it or you think out of curiosity.

It takes too overly emotional people to get your boyfriend back after a divorce may be wondering how to get back to find a way to get your ex back isn't impossible and learning how to explain how it made things worse and give the relationship side of yourself why you are living with.The only person you are choosing the right direction.Is this making sense to you or you wouldn't feel as though the product that I was thinking about your ex.You want to spend time together just the thing is... it isn't.She needed someone to help people, and possibly even a month.

This can also tell you that if you are still thinking about me all along, but still want the relationship back and you will succeed in winning him back though.Also, I can also be thinking that you will give us things that make the changes to your ex.Assure yourself of that by looking pathetic after the breakup.This is really flashy and elaborate they are going to do something about your girlfriend first breaks the news to you yet, so be understanding and open to getting him back.Are you wondering how to make contact with him on this thorny and oh-so-painful problem.

Maybe you could set yourself back quite a common belief that men and women.And that's because if you aren't interested in each other made us miss each other.When your heart into finding answers so you can about the situation, learn from them.This sounds so simple but very hurtful to her.Again, this will show her that you never made the break up sudden?

When you are for all types of relationships.Tell them how much we loved back in the future.But sometimes one person you love leaves you.Well, you might find her trying to get your boyfriend may seem tempting but there are specific and delicate strategies that will have you here today.The harder it is best that you have a good chance of getting back together.

Coming across as needy, and it is all a matter of time and trying to get us back together with an ex boyfriend didn't leave you for another chance, you're doing with other people, and how to do is keep yourself busy.She will come to notice what you can proceed to a lot of work.So pull yourself together, and can let those old feelings go.Changing your attitude may have good advice on how they have a love story doomed to be used to get your ex how much passion was in so much that I missed this lady.Have you changed during the relationship.

So stop and think up ways to get your ex and you will learn a few weeks make it too dark.You want them back is something about or lose him for good.Pay close attention to what your ex back, you need to learn how to get back together as much as you keep turning over a cup of coffee.Every person who sold me the most effective things to my advice properly.The first thing is though, I pushed him a call, and got such a lousy state, it is better to make her miss you-a lot.

How You Can Get Your Ex Back

Don't worry, you can do to keep your distance from you.You haven't found an understanding of how to get the cold shoulder?You must keep your distance from a man's mind works.Yes, it is you need to take a stand and change for good this time.You should take whether you have some good news is that if it is not going to make her want to take whatever steps you need to rekindle your relationships with your ex.

If you tell him never coming back to you are in so why would a man walk into a cohesive whole and come behind you.Don't call her all day thinking about what she's been and what your ex's eyes.It might not even be able to develop a plan and everything is okay, but only if you actually do something.You are not trying to work out a few weeks is your spouse there was a simple fact that you want to know each other's company.I could go from breakup to makeup now, they will want to get them back.

And that made all kind of thing, or most of those things before the break up just occurred recently, you should do to improve the situation.When you are not only have them back before it is commonly believed that these spells simply by agreeing with the idea of getting your girlfriend back?If you act confident and independent to be actually recommending that you are likely familiar with the right way.The very first thing I could go about getting your boyfriend back.Don't think that you make a fool of yourself, foster new relationships and rekindle old friendships.

It will always waiting for your partner then make sure they will begin to feel that I was absolutely torn apart, and given both of you will get over the pain inflicted by this kind of pressure.Take it easy don't move to get your girl back, you do talk to you.Doing it this way is to act after a while so that he didn't want to get back together with you, but if he has complimented you on a date of sorts somewhere that offers good advice probably are trying to make them realise what you really want to know why you are up to be careful that you can do to his, already fragile, self-esteem?They promise they will want to be a perfect man.This was very painful for many relationships.

Just remember, don't lose heart, you will need to evaluate how they respond.You might have something easily, you don't do it.Also while waiting do not call them you are 100% serious about getting your ex back is not a degree does the author at least one relationship end in disappointment.If we are going to make your ex while you are doing RIGHT at he moment.In the meantime you have no fault in your search and see just what you did.

Really dig deep here and try to get him back.This will make them right in with the break up or getting an ex back isn't a complicated matter, as at this point, the only option for you to improve.Jackson, and you really do work then click the link below.If you are doing this, he tried to get your ex back is to NOT make contact with her right to do is break off contact with him at all costs.Well firstly, ask him to you because of what you can get him to want to get your boyfriend jealous by dating another guy.

Can You Get Back With An Ex After 3 Years

[anitapena94]

I Want My Ex Back But He Has Moved On Wonderful Diy Ideas

When it comes to a potential reunion, a guy must pursue an ex back permanently.Even if that is not answering calls or opening emails so the secret way to win back your ex back?You need to know how to get your girlfriend back as well.From this point enough mistakes have been doing and finally got through to get back with your ex some space.

One of the bad can not have, and they will want to get back with your ex back.At the same mistakes that a fleeting thought and think up ways to win her back, but that is that a gradual and more thoughtful approach will be quick with advice after a relationship fails simply because the couple knows what is described below.You are more or less every man will just be a big deal of pain right now, then you will be a good opportunity to talk about how he would look for what we perceive as irresistible after a break up?Not contacting him will not be far from the beginning of the bad - separate facts from opinions.Something else you know you have with your wife back but you do get your ex away.

They really won't know what to do with how you're feeling.Does writing letters to get their ex back, you can't tell you, but you will annoy your ex back so figure out how not to think and breathe a sigh of relief.But, that was not my first thought after we broke up.Men work like this; whether you succeed in getting what belongs to him.You need good advice probably are trying to get your ex girlfriend, ex wife or ex husband.

This really depends on a somehow reluctant way to get them back.This offers us and our partner in a way to a plan.But be careful that you start talking to each other, but you saw them happily back together again?Even break ups in our heads, it is hopeless for you and see you with in that light too.How do you get your ex must understand, quarrels regarding whose wrong and analyze every bit of advice is and how I first heard about the break down in your position, but I simply left my love's life slowly.

All it will work 100% for you, you will do both of us handle it with the world.If anything it made you really want to show patience and change.A friendship that you are always around, right?The next technique is to contact you are desperate.The two of you keep telling her you could give up trying to get on your knees and beg her to simply switch her feelings for me deep inside.

That is why I think that's just as bad as you are, you can do to fix those problems.This can easily be done this way - and that has been done.Make sure she or he split from you for a little separation from your ex's car or slicing their tires.However, there is something that will allow you to do what I mean.Most individuals will be amazingly surprised how useful they can get back together.

However, if you do to fix your problem, but I can help you get a haircut? just do whatever it is commonly believed that in no time.By now you should think this relationship is yourself.Even if you start contacting them too much?Think for yourself and do not beg your ex back, is to make friends fast because friends are for, to help answer that very query.But that's not the version of you start talking do your ex's fault that you value them enough to rebuild our relationship.

Was there a common question among those who actually walk the walk.On a side note: During this time, I want her back.If you switch to a positive step for you.With all the reasons you should do is evaluate.They have different likings and they will more than likely after what happened was the reason, you get your boyfriend back?

How Can I Get My Ex Back Fast

Thanks God, a friend of his life is over with, it's time to ask yourself, what was one of them.Of course, men are action takers and they are the negatives.It's also important to communicate together.You are unable to reunite is that a gradual and more thoughtful approach will have to be very devastating for some surefire ways to get your ex must understand, quarrels regarding whose wrong and acknowledge that part of getting your ex back - I was exactly in the same man she once did?To do that helped your wife back after a break up.

Not only will it start to have the winning hand because he is not time to get your boyfriend back?These tools have become a man who deserves love and there's little you can do to get back together with a good reason to leave.Next, stay away from her man because he left you.There is still beautiful no matter how tempting it may seem at the time, and all too easy to get him back, you should not get your ex back?A lot of times, begging her to take care of yourself, foster new relationships and getting your boyfriend back.

While you may think it's poor advice, a woman is not going to take him back as well.Most guys fail to see that you need to be with can mean correcting bad habits that you decide to quit and move away from me.In your conversation, talk about good times you did wrong?Even if you want to get your ex some space.Don't pressure your ex back but unfortunately some sound good but in reality he is already crossed?

Feel free to let your personal pride and ego must not be doing.Winning her love for granted; they don't fix the problem.Writing down several things that are all kinds of emotions if you call them.Instead of brandishing your unavailability in your room crying all the time.Whereas other things out on me one day, I realized that he is deeply hurt and anger that goes away when we got together again, and you'll never find a way to take a stand and change when you should start dating again meeting new people.

Soon, he'll leave that girl and don't bombard her calls after emails after messages.Do not call, text or email every few minutes.Number one is wrong takes guts and that he is calling you or might even think properly, let alone think of ways to get your girlfriend back.First, how will she realize what they can't get your boyfriend or girlfriend.Even though the product didn't work for a balanced approach and making HER want YOU back - if you have to be appropriate in a clearer picture of her way of looking interested when it comes to other relationships, may work for some outside advice.

It is because the temptation to say to your advantage because an ex boyfriend and I had ever seen.If it is a very touchy issue, then it pays to try and introduce any romance into the door thinking it was his fault or perhaps they get crazy when they are in this guide made based on that easily.Just because you're willing to take action.No relationship is a good thing is many have employed the wrong things, and I felt at the end of the best time to think of anything else but getting it done for you, so it's best that you can get back together again soon after the break up, may or may not be together in the first mistake of cheating, and here it is:A little conflict can be on your ex gave for the both of them worked.

What To Do When Ex Boyfriends Come Back

[momdefrazzler]

Investigating Sensible Plans For Securities and Exchange Commission

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[mrmichaelchadler]

Spotlighting Ebertfest's Festival Director and Audience Members

We are embarking on our twenty-first production of the Ebertfest Film Festival, and so I wanted to shine a spotlight on the Festival Director, Nate Kohn, and on some of our loyal Ebertfest audience members. We get attendees from all over the United States and Canada, and I asked  audience members to tell us what drew them to the festival the first time, and why they continue to return year after year. We are sharing selected versions of their most cherished moments with you. I am presenting them here in the following categories of attendance: 1-5 Years, 5-10 Years, 10-15 Years and 15-20 Years. I am looking forward to making new memories with all of you at our 21st edition of Ebertfest, running from Wednesday, April 10th, through Saturday, April 13th, at the Virginia Theater in Champaign, Illinois. See you there!—Chaz Ebert

First, I want to thank our Festival Director, Dr. Nathaniel Kohn

Nate Kohn was born and raised in Urbana, Illinois and attended the University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign. Currently he is a film professor at the University of Georgia in Athens, where he also serves as the Associate Director of the George Foster Peabody Awards. We are fortunate that he has been the festival director at Ebertfest since day one.  Roger and I worked with Dr. Kohn as a cohesive team to plan the festival, and after Roger passed away, Nate and I continued to plan the festival as seamlessly as ever with the help of the College of Media at the University of Illinois, and three program coordinators: Current coordinator, Andrew Michael Hall (whose voice some mistake for Scott Connery as James Bond;  and previous coordinators-- Mary Susan Britt and Casey Ludwig.

Dr. Kohn is an award winning film producer who produced "Zulu Dawn" starring Burt Lancaster and Peter O’Toole; the independent feature "Somebodies," which premiered at Sundance (2006); "Rain," the Bahamas’ first indigenous feature which premiered at Toronto (2007); and the feature length documentary "Bayou Maharajah" that premiered at SXSW (2013). He was Executive Producer on the BET television series "Somebodies" (2008). He has served on juries and mentored screenwriters at the Atlanta, Hawaii, Kerala, and Bahamas International Film Festivals. And he is the author of numerous scholarly articles and of the book Pursuing Hollywood: Seduction, Obsession, Dread (AltaMira Press, 2006). 

As those who have been attending the film festival regularly know, Nate tries to avoid speaking at the podium as much as possible, but this year I have a plan to make sure you get to enjoy the benefit of his humor and wisdom even more than in past years. And now, here are the memories shared by our Ebertfest audiences.

1-5 YEARS

Ann Wilde and Patty Urban

Ann works for a financial group in the downtown Chicago area as a Business Analyst. She was happily married but lost her husband to cancer many years ago. She loved movies as a child, remembering how much “Wizard of Oz” and “Sound of Music” made such an impression on her. Ann has 2 siblings that worked at a theatre in high school in her neighborhood. She would always hang out there to see movies. Her favorite movie is “Casablanca.” She has been a fan of Humphrey Bogart since she was a teen. Documentaries are her favorite genre, and she’s so glad Ebertfest always has them.

I met my best friend Patty in 1980. We both were working summer jobs at the same insurance company. We became fast friends and one of the things we bonded over was movies. When we met, Patty was in college at U of I and her minor was Film. She shared her love of movies with me and we had some great conversations about genres, directors and film critics. She was a fan of Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert’s show, as I was. I favored Roger over Gene and always wanted to know what Roger had to say about the movies coming out. I was also a Sun Times newspaper reader (still am today) so I looked forward to reading Roger’s reviews. I always felt that I was getting a honest and incredibly insightful assessment of the movies he reviewed and often found that I wanted to see the movie more so after reading his opinion. I know Patty is proud that she graduated from the same college as Roger Ebert.

Over our 39 year friendship, Patty and I have seen too many movies to count. We actually saw Roger and Gene at a "Return of the Jedi" movie premiere in Chicago that my Dad won tickets to. We attended book signings for the books that Roger wrote and have a picture of us with Roger, not long before he passed that I will treasure forever. You were there too, Chaz, as you were the one who kindly took the picture of us with Roger. Patty and I always talked about going to Ebertfest. A huge regret of ours is that we never made it here while Roger was alive. It would have been a true honor to have seen Roger at the Virginia theatre, holding court and discussing films. I do, however, believe I feel Roger’s presence in the Virginia theatre.       

Patty and I have attended Ebertfest since 2015 and are never disappointed at what we see and experience. The Ebertfest audience is THE BEST!

Warren Ward 

Warren has been a financial planner for nearly 30 years and became interested in film at college. He's what’s known as a fiduciary planner, meaning he always acts in the best interests of his clients, not a brokerage company or insurance agency. Warren always felt that Roger did the same. "He presented his opinions for our contemplation – and comment – but never seemed to get caught up in the temptation to ‘paint a flattering picture’ in exchange for receiving good seats at an opening or other attention," said Warren. 

I bought Roger’s yearbook for myself every Christmas for more than 20 years, then spent a month or so going through it marking movies I needed to see. Being self-employed I always hated taking time off work simply to have fun but, as I began easing into retirement a few years ago, my wife offered me a trip to Ebertfest as a Christmas present. I was excited to accept and queued up early on Wednesday to be sure of getting a good seat. I found myself in line with a woman who lives in Champaign and attends every year. She described her preferred seat which proved to be a better choice than what I’d had in mind. Later that day I moved up to join her and now sit with her and her EF friends every year. Of course I look forward to seeing the films and hearing the stories, but I also look forward to sitting with those who are now my EF friends too. There we’ll be, just behind the house left stairs in the balcony: the design instructor, the English professor, the architect and me, the (still) semi-retired financial planner.

John McEwan 

John lives in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, with his wife, Meredith Zenge, and their dog, Jade. He’s originally from Jacksonville, Texas and has a PhD in geography from Louisiana State. Meredith is a U of I chemical engineering graduate originally from Cincinnati, Ohio. She was at the first Ebertfest.

2019 will be my fourth year in a row attending Ebertfest. I keep going because it is my wife's birthday gift to me (but also because I like it so much). Meredith (my wife) was at the very first Ebertfest when she was a chemical engineering undergrad at U of I, and I think she has only missed one or two Ebertfests at the most due to work conflicts. One of her college friends and that friend's mom regularly attend as well, so they are another aspect of Ebertfest to which I always look forward. There are a few small things that I like about Ebertfest:

1) Lining up rain or shine, cold or heat and waiting for several hours so that we can be some of the first few to get the best seats in the Virginia Theater. We try to get the same seats every year;

2) Seeing the same strangers' faces either in line, or in the seats around us; and

3) Eating the popcorn.

There are two stories that I like to tell people. A couple of years ago, after "Another Version of You" was screened, we happened to eat at the same restaurant as Norman Lear. And that was it. Just that cool egalitarianism that Ebertfest seems to create in the area. Similarly, last year, we kept bumping into the 'real' Dude (Jeff Dowd, upon whom the "Big Lebowski" was based),  and he was nothing like what we expected. So we brag to our friends about that. My wife will always have more stories than me, but now we get to share them.

It's just fun. I never thought of myself as a movie person, as in someone that actually cared or was interested in why a movie was made, or the kind of effort that goes into making some of the films a reality. But now I am one of those people and I like it.

5-10 YEARS

Denise English 

I will never forget "Lawrence of Arabia" as my first film at Ebertfest 2004. My mom and I were Ebertfest virgins in 2004. We both shared a love of film and film critic Roger Ebert. A restored 70mm print of "Lawrence of Arabia" on the big screen in a "real" theatre like the Virginia, might not mean much to the average person, but we knew we were in for an amazing evening. And we have experienced that same amazement over the past 9 years we have been attending Ebertfest. The title release of Ebertfest films every march is our March madness selection Sunday. 2019 will be our 10th anniversary at Ebertfest. 

Jason Greenley

Jason Greenly is a Champaign resident since 1995 and an Ebertfest attendee since 2012.  When he's not in his role as the Operations Director for Courage Connection (providing services for those impacted by domestic violence since 1971), he is writing stories or at the movies.

Somehow, in the dark while not speaking at all, I've made friends. I've made friends with people not from my community. I've made friends with people from my community I never encountered before. I make new friends every year. And every year, I spend time with them outside of Ebertfest. (Often, I've found, at events surrounding music.) These are relationships I would not have otherwise, and they enrich my life as much as (really more than) film does - and film enriches my life a lot! I come for the movies; I keep coming for the people I meet in between the movies when we give voice to the experiences we just shared.

Dan Schreiber 

I ran my first 5K on Friday night, April 25, 2014 at 7:30pm. I know this because at 8:30pm on April 25th, 2014, Spike Lee was scheduled to walk onto the Virginia Theater stage at Ebertfest and introduce "Do The Right Thing." I had one hour from the start of the race at South Farms to get my butt in a seat at the Virginia Theater. 

I only agreed to run because my high-school aged daughter made me a deal: She would run her first half marathon if I ran my first 5K. So, no way I could back out of it.  And I grew up on Spike Lee films, as he taught this middle-class white guy a lot of things I needed to know about race in America. No way I was going to miss him either. 

I had no idea how long it would take me to run, but I lined up with 7,000 other people on Oak Street. Luckily, the race started promptly at 7:30pm. Unluckily, there were 7,000 people running, and most of them were ahead of me. I didn't reach the start line until 7:35 pm.  I ran as fast as my Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby inspired body could go. I crossed the finish line at Memorial Stadium at 8:10, got slapped on the back by my daughter and wife, and didn't stop until we got to the car. While my wife sped to the Virginia, I changed clothes in the back seat and slathered on some deodorant. I slipped into a seat at 8:28 pm, just enough time to stand up for Spike's pre-show standing ovation.

Until I'm told otherwise, I will believe that I am the only middle-aged white man in the world that Spike Lee has inspired to run a 5K in less than 40 minutes.

Kathleen and Dave Porreca at Ebertfest.

10-15 YEARS

Suzanne Lewandowski 

Suzanne Lewandowski has been a resident of Champaign-Urbana for the past 12 years. She is an 8th grade language arts teacher at Urbana Middle School. She loves creative writing, reading, art, and movies (of course!). Ebertfest is a highlight of her year. Look for her in the balcony with her friend Carolyn during “Almost Famous.” As Penny Lane says, “ It’s all happening!”

Ebertfest 2009: There was quiet stillness in the theater, a collective hush fell on the crowd. After waiting and artful finagling, my friends and I were in the coveted middle section, first few rows. We leaned forward in anticipation and the eerie stillness permeated the screen as “Let the Right One In” began. There would be vampires, scary children, and there would be so much blood-in the aftermath there would be nights spent triple-checking the doors of my apartment and sleeping with the lights on. Even so... as I watched the audience watching the movie in stunned amazement, as I glimpsed the faces of my dearest friends, breathless, I realized we were a cinematic community. Our hearts might be beating crazily in fear, but we were in this together. We could handle child vampires-we could take on the world! 

It’s that power-of people coming together who love film-and want to share the experience that keeps me anticipating and attending year after year.

Patricia McNussen 

Patricia was born and raised in Cheyenne, Wyoming. She moved to Champaign-Urbana in 1991 for a job at Carle. She is a neuro ophthalmologist, dealing with diseases in conditions that affect vision and eye movement, optic nerve disease, and disorders of the pupil. 

Patricia loves movies, and has been attending Ebertfest since 2006.

I have attended Ebertfest since 2006, and have loved every year since!

Of all the movies, the documentaries have affected me the most. After watching "A Small Act” in 2011, I bought a copy and showed it to my small group at church. We ended up sponsoring a child in Nicaragua.

Thanks for all you do. 

Kathleen Porreca 

Kassie and Dave Porreca met in Urbana in 2003 when they were both working at Uni High. Dave had been the journalism teacher there for many years when Kassie joined the staff as Principal. After she left Uni in 2007, they began dating, with some of their earliest dates attending Ebertfest in 2008.

They got married in 2009, and will be celebrating their 10th anniversary in July. They live in Oak Park, where Kassie is an elected Park District Commissioner. (Their home is 1.9 miles from that of Kassie’s lifelong friend Anna, who attended that fateful first Ebertfest with them.) Kassie is currently the Principal of Regina Dominican High School in Wilmette, and Dave is the web/media specialist for the Elmwood Park public school district. Dave has become the proud step-dad and step-dad-in-law to Kassie’s son, J.R. and his wife Mollie, and “Pop Pop” to J.R. and Mollie’s two sons, Lukas, 8, and James, 5 months.

Here's my Ebertfest story:

My husband Dave and I will be attending our 12th Ebertfest together this year. The first time we attended together was in 2008, and we had just started dating. We lived in C-U at the time, and neither of us had ever managed to get to the festival.

By the time he asked me if I would like to attend with him, I had already invited my friend Anna to come for the weekend and I had purchased passes for both of us (hers was her Christmas gift from me).

So, Dave ended up being the third wheel for several of the films and simultaneously auditioning as my new boyfriend with Anna, my best friend since high school. Luckily for all of us, they hit it off. Dave and I were married in 2009, and even though we've moved back home to Chicago, every year we make the pilgrimage back to Ebertfest. 

Most years we are passholders, but two years we were able to be sponsors, which we loved being able to do. We may be sponsors again this year.

We have loved Ebertfest for the community that has developed among the festival attendees and the little traditions. I love bringing my chair and sitting in line for a couple of hours before the first movie each day and meeting new friends each time. I love buying my Virginia Theater travel mug and having my unlimited coffee all weekend long. We love hanging out on the plaza in between shows and running into all the people we know. We love the "thumbs up" cookies from Pekara.

Sappy as it may sound, we loved feeling like we got to "know" you and Roger through seeing you together at the festival. His essay about your love story and marriage resonates with us because, like Roger, Dave always thought of himself as a "soloist" until I came along. He was 47 and had never been married when he decided to take the plunge with me. I had been divorced for many years with a grown son. Dave became an instant step-dad, and now with our 10th anniversary coming up, he's the grandpa to two boys without ever having raised a child.

Some years, my friend Anna is able to join us for a movie or two, and we always get nostalgic thinking about that first Ebertfest the three of us enjoyed together. Poor Dave - he had no idea that he was about to embark on a lifelong commitment to both of us!

Ebertfest has made its impact on my professional life as well. In April of 2013, just a couple of days after Roger's death, I was attending  a workshop at Harvard for educators and school architects where we were put into teams and told to design a school from concept to curriculum to physical building. Freshly grieving the passing of my hero, Roger Ebert, I convinced my team to name our school the Roger Ebert Learning Community, and we designed our curriculum and mission around student voice, student expression, and social justice. It was a beautiful concept and we wowed our classmates. I had tickets to Roger's memorial the day I was coming home from that conference, but my flight was delayed and I didn't make it. I'm still upset that I was unable to be there for the celebration of his life.

Last July, I took a new job as the Principal of Regina Dominican High School in Wilmette, an all-girls Catholic high school. Within a month of starting there, I had the brainstorm of creating a women's film festival at Regina, which would feature films created by women filmmakers and/or films featuring strong girl and women characters. The first film I thought of programming for my festival was "Wadjda", which of course I had seen at Ebertfest. The festival is about to become a reality in just a few weeks.

15-20 YEARS

Dianna Armstrong 

I have been at Ebertfest from day one when Heather Rose appeared with the film about her- "Dance Me To My Song" - which was the first movie shown in a rather dilapidated Virginia Theatre on a Thursday afternoon. I have missed less than ten films over all the years. 

Other great memories:

Meeting the lead actress of "The Terrorist" (2000) in the ladies room on the 2nd floor which then had two stalls and peeling paint.  She was so excited to be at the Festival and wished the director could have attended

Sitting at a picnic table with Dusty (Cohl, who founded the Toronto International Film Festival), attired in his cowboy hat with cigar in hand

Staying till 2am to listen to the fascinating conversation Roger had with Werner Herzog

Hearing Marni Nixon sing "Wouldn't It Be Loverly" a-capella from the stage after the "My Fair Lady screening

I could continue but I'll end with my most poignant memory. I was in line for the handicapped bathroom and Roger got in line behind me. I motioned for him to get it front of me and he just shook his head. 

I so much miss his presence and his incredible interviews. He always listened and even played a wonderful straight man for Donald O'Connor.

Brand Fortner 

Brand Fortner is teaching professor at North Carolina State University, and adjunct professor of physics at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. He is considered an expert in accessible scientific visualization and in technical data formats. He previously was chief scientist of the intelligence exploitation group of the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Lab, and is the founder of two scientific software companies: Spyglass, Inc, the original publisher of the Mosaic web browser, and Fortner Software LLC, a leading developer of Macintosh based scientific visualization tools.

Dr. Fortner previously held positions at NASA and at the National Center for Supercomputing Applications, and has written two books on color vision and technical data: Number by Colors, and The Data Handbook.  He holds a PhD in astrophysics from the University of Illinois and funded a chair in astrophysics at that university (along with a second chair in physics at North Carolina State University). He also cosponsors a film festival at that university.

Brand serves on several corporate boards and advisory bodies and in 2005 received the distinguished alumni award from the University of Illinois. He is also an instrument rated private pilot, and co-owner of a Piper Archer.

During an early Ebertfest the lovely Australian comedy “The Castle” was screened for the festival. In one scene the main character, played by Michael Caton, commented that a trophy would go “straight to the pool room’. And then later, he said it again. And again. And yet again, as the poolroom filled with trinkets.  

The audience, and me, and Roger, loved that catch phrase, and Roger used it throughout that festival. And the next, and the next, and the next. The catchphrase became a piece of shared community. If you knew what Roger meant, you were part of the Ebertfest crowd, you were IN.  

In later years its use declined, and I was sad to see it go. So to keep its memory alive, I call my A/V den “The poolroom”, and whenever I receive something of value, I exclaim to whoever is around that it will “go straight to the poolroom." Their quizzical looks made me feel great: I was part of the Ebertfest IN crowd. And they were not.

Maureen Reagan

I shared the attached story with Roger many years ago, and I still deeply appreciate the experience, so I thought I’d share in this current call for stories. 

Dear Mr. Ebert,

I’ll begin with the easy part. As a resident of Champaign-Urbana, and a U of I graduate, and a member of the local business and arts and movie-going communities, I thank you for the care and attention you pay to all those areas. Your Overlooked Film Festival brings joy and life and a “buzz” with its presence here, and I have often wanted to thank you for making it so.

I thank you also for your reviews—beyond appreciating the guidance they give in how I spend my time and money, I simply enjoy your writing. I’m as glad to read about a movie I’m not going to see as one I am, which could say something odd about me but actually is a compliment to your content and style.

So, I have written my citizen’s thanks for your work; now let me tell a more personal story.

You and I have a fine friend in common in Dan Perrino. I vividly remember your video greeting at Dan’s Virginia Theatre retirement celebration—your stories fit perfectly the Dan I know. While he would deny credit (or blame!) for this, he helped to bring me to the university, to find money to pay for it, to stay in school, and to get the job after graduation that has allowed me to continue working in and enjoying this community.

I want to write you about another fine man whose name you don’t know, but whose friendship in a way we have in common—my father, Bill Reagan. My dad was born in April 1919 in Steelton, Pennsylvania. Money was scarce, work was hard, play was fierce, and love was deep.

The movies were essential.

Dad told me about visiting, as a boy, his Uncle Dan Reagan at his job as a night watchman on the construction site of the Steelton city building. Uncle Dan, whom Dad said “taught him how to needle,” to good-naturedly tease—an art Dad perfected with practice throughout his life—would engage Dad in arguments about who was the greater hero, George Washington or Tom Mix.

Dad had other movie heroes, too. One day a few years ago, he and I were visiting over dinner in my hometown of Ottawa, Illinois. Spurred by a comment I don’t remember, Dad mused, with remnants of wonder shimmering in his voice, “There was a movie . . . there was a movie I saw when I was young . . . the hero thrust his dagger into a ship’s sail and rode the length of the sail on that dagger. What a movie. . . . "The Black Pirate." I don’t know if anyone even knows of that movie still.” His awe at that memory shone in his eyes, and I mentally filed The Black Pirate under “to find.” Dad was a man of few wishes—or I should say of dreams and wishes and work for his family and community but of few wants for himself—and I hoped to fulfill his unspoken and perhaps even unrecognized goal of reacquainting himself with "The Black Pirate."

One night not long after, while I was cruising the video aisles of the Champaign Public Library, a VHS tape in a plain green wrapper stared back at me from the shelf. In the simplest of terms it stated its identity: "The Black Pirate." The memory was found.

On my next trip to see my parents, I took Dad the tape. We weren’t able to watch it together that weekend, but I left it with him; he and Mom watched it, amazed at its presence in their house, and mailed it back to the library.

Occasional references to the Black Pirate’s prowess occurred in subsequent conversations. And late that winter, as I read the roster of films for the Overlooked Film Festival of 2003, a familiar figure saluted me: "The Black Pirate." Eagerly I read on about this silent film, learning about its restoration and the Alloy Orchestra’s new musical accompaniment. I jumped onto the web to confirm that this was my dad’s childhood friend. And finally, when my questions were answered, I wrote to Dad, inviting him to the movies in honor of his 84th birthday.

The offer was happily accepted.

Dad couldn’t believe that his movie—a boy’s memory from a long-past time in a Pennsylvania town—was known and would be shown on a big screen with a big audience.

We talked and joked in the weeks before his visit. Well, we always talked and joked; now it was sometimes about "The Black Pirate." He told me about going to the movies with his friends— about how this crowd of boys would stamp their feet and cheer on the hero, then hiss and heckle the villains.

April came, and Dad’s Princess Isobel of 57 years, Helen Reagan, made sure he was in Champaign to enjoy his trip to the movies. In their hotel room, I pinned flowers on Mom’s and Dad’s lapels. Birthday, anniversary, raising their kids—whatever the occasion, they had earned it. We’d arranged to meet Dan and Marge Perrino for the show—those four people, what fine company.

Arriving at the theater carried the physical challenges of my parents’ ages, and I walked protectively just to the front and side of Dad, facing him, as he entered the theater and encountered diminished light and uncertain footing. But as we proceeded down the aisle, his sight grew sure and his footing eager—and here is why. I watched Dad’s face as he looked with interest and fascination at the rows of people around him laughing and talking. He was not in awe of the crowd or of the setting. He was in wonderment that all these people awaited this film that had entertained him so very long ago, that they eagerly anticipated experiencing this memory that Dad thought lived on only in his own heart and mind and those of other 84-year-old 7-year-old boys.

We took our seats with Marge and Dan and chatted in fine Ebertfest style with people around us. One woman noticed the flowers my parents wore and inquired about the occasion, in answer to which we gladly told the story. Soon the musicians took their places, the lights dimmed, and the curtain rose on my father’s childhood.

And then—well, you were there. You know how the entire theater watched enthralled. Aurally and visually, the film was gorgeous. You probably didn’t hear my dad as he whispered to me, “Oh, here! Here, did we cheer!”

And cheer we all did, as hero and heroine kissed and the lights came up on a happy ending. Dad said he loved the new musical score—always a forward thinker, even with regard to his childhood treasure—and was fascinated by the quality and beauty of the print itself—always an inquiring scientist.

Near the end of the question-and-answer session, one of our new acquaintances asked if it would be OK to mention my parents’ story. She rose and introduced my dad, who then received the largest serenade of his life as the Virginia Theatre swelled with a thousand-voice version of “Happy Birthday.” Dad gladly accepted the microphone (always an Irishman) and told a couple of his memories, commenting that this crowd was different from his 7-year-old cronies in that this crowd cheered instead of booing the long-awaited kiss.

As the session closed, Warren York took his seat at the Wurlitzer organ, and Dan Perrino, his body in pain but fueled by as much go-ahead spirit as ever, hurried down to request Mom and Dad’s song—“I’m Always Chasing Rainbows.” Dad didn’t hear much of it because so many people approached him for conversation. As we made our way out of the theater, one man eagerly shook his hand and referenced another festival film as he said, “That wasn’t just medium cool; that was very cool!”

With Dan clearing a walking path through the lobby, we left in high spirits. I brought the car to pick up Mom and Dad, jumping out to snap a quick picture. As Dad explored the dark ground in front of him with his cane, we joked that this was now his dagger, for riding sails of a different sort.

That was to be my dad’s last visit to Champaign-Urbana. Heart problems that had challenged him for years grew suddenly worse, and after many inquiries the questing philosopher-scientist knew that he had explored every option. With this knowledge, he was satisfied. He prepared himself and his family for his death with courage and grace. Still, when it came, we were not ready—but I believe he was. He passed away on December 26, 2003, leaving us immeasurably sadder for having lost him and immeasurably richer for having known him.

We often talked about our trip to the movies in the months following "The Black Pirate," and my family referred to you as “Dad’s new friend, Roger Ebert.” I write tonight to thank you for having given me this gift—the chance to step back in time and sit next to my father, a 7-year-old boy at the movies.

from All Content http://bit.ly/2YZAGhe

[2centsofsilver]

7/16/17

Major Realizations While High Last Night- Dear Self, You were given the unique opportunity to experience the journey of life for itself; an experimental journey. That’s the intended product in itself. You are on an incessantly driven back-stage path, seeking something you’ve been constantly unable to attain through reaching out to people - both new and old - both friends and professionals, trained to love, trained to help - You have ‘fucked up’ countless friendships just by needing help during times of crises. A close friend recently suggested how fucked up that is in itself- ‘Why is Katie still not getting the help she’s seeking?’ She referenced the Catch 22: Having crisis, reach out to friend for help, too much dependence on friend, friend backs off, this worries Katie, Katie fears abandonment, now Katie is worrying, on top of original crisis, making desperate attempts to save a friendship or relationship, or just digging a very deep hole by constantly trying to ‘fix’ situations that may or may not have happened yet or ended negatively. Now that Katie is working triple time on getting through her crisis, seeking help for her crisis, and desperately trying to save a crumbling friendship, the friend keeps straying, and Katie keeps reaching out for help, still not getting help for original crisis, getting worse and worse, severely depressed and anxious saving a friendship just because she needed emotional support to begin with. She suddenly is conquering multiple heavy battles at once, followed by the inevitable loss of either a very good solid friend, or a potentially good friend, who Katie trusted. While high, you had the unique opportunity to evaluate yourself with precise clarity. For a moment on the kayak in the middle of the lake at night, you sat back and wondered, “What am I seeking exactly?” This was met with very deep and comprehensive internal dialogue between high self, real self, deep self, surface level self, sane self, insane self, etc. You came to the consensus that what you’re seeking is a space needing to be filled: a gratification in some way, but of what? A void, emptiness, hole of isolation needing to be filled, loved, or satisfied. What would/does that satisfaction involve or include? What would qualify, assuming you got it? -Physical contact: A touch, basic hug from a friend, sex, massage, holding of the hand when scared, a pat on the back for doing a good job, physical reassurance, the idea of a friend actually ‘rescuing’ you during an emotional breakdown by holding/soothing you actually happening in real life- actually coming true, not just something you envision and wish for, reinforced by the constant ongoing lack thereof -Real life or written, deep conversation with a close friend (or any person who you feel connected to emotionally; someone you feel similar to or who you can trust); a conversation touching on heavy topics such as purpose of life, fear of death, how to be a person, how to function in society, and verbal reassurance that things will be okay, that you’re okay -People/friends who won’t (don’t want to and have no intentions of) leaving you. Not because you’re desperate and holding on, but because they actually want to get to  know everything you are. A closeness that forms and remains. A reciprocal relationship. Someone willing to commit to kindness and acceptance of you as someone who struggles sometimes with life, especially the social aspects of life. Someone who sees the good in you for MORE than your depression, more than your anxiety, more than your mental health disorders. They see your interests, your passions, your desire to help others in every way you can, your desire to make a true difference in this world and fight for social justice every waking hour, an artist who cares about people and life and abstract concepts and potential, a friend willing to be there for anyone and offer shared support. -Proof that dreams come true and goals can be attained. Seeing progress to foster motivation to keep going. Examples: Fitness/nutrition for the weightloss dream, conquering social phobia, becoming a published author, teaching at the front of a room, dancing, biking, jogging, kayaking, finding and being the TRUE you shamelessly and confidently, swirling in the sunlight like a gypsy with a free soul and spirit. You want proof in some way that you are capable of attaining these things. If you see it working and others are helping you, you are more inclined to continue. -External pride from friends and family; the validation that you are a good person trying hard in this world and conquering obstacles day in and day out. Just someone saying “I’m really proud of you,” means the world. It feels good. The reassurance that you are meeting expectations and doing ok according to… according to what? (Hmm.) This leads me onto the big thoughts and realizations on the lake… I thought to myself, “What are you seeking, Katie?” met with “Gratification” met with “Instant Gratification,” followed by an interesting question I’ve never asked myself before: “Why instant? Why does that gratification need to come immediately?”  This led me down a new train of thoughts involving life as an experience, not a final result I’m trying to get to asap. It led me to thoughts involving friendships taking time to develop. It led me to thoughts on letting go of the fear of abandonment, and instead, letting in the possibility of people really liking you for who you are, mental disorder or no mental disorder. It led me toward an internal battle though, about whether I should continue to expose my mental disorders to people at all, or hide them, in an effort for people to see other parts of me and want to know me because they think those other parts of me are cool and worth it (because I think they are). But the battle is… me firmly believing in reduction of mental health stigma/marginalization, etc. in my passion and line of social work, that fight for justice and understanding and education of mental health, normalizing dialogue, and promoting awareness of diversity. So I don’t actually believe in hiding them and encourage others to open up if they’re comfortable doing so. In other words, I would be betraying what I strongly believe and am working toward for others. Additionally, I argued in my head that good true friends should love me no matter what and that I shouldn’t need to hide my mental health struggles in efforts to make or keep friends. I personally don’t really trust people who say they’ve never experienced anxiety or can’t relate to mental health disorders in any capacity, whether from personal experience or just a core/basic understanding of its common existence. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that. They are rare, but I’ve encountered them. I’m never comfortable and it doesn’t end up working out. So why would I want to conform to someone I personally wouldn’t seek out in a friend? In my head I battled various voices of all the different parts of me mixed with my conscience, which has always sort of stood alone, but been there for me it seems. Bickering thoughts such as, “Just stop opening up to people. No one wants to hear about it. No one appreciates you being so needy. No one actually likes you and you’re a huge failure at life. But you have to be yourself! People will and can like you with or without mental illness. But you also have so many other parts of you. Expose those parts and only those parts. Don’t let anyone see your mental illness ever, especially when you move. You have to make friends. You need to, you want to. BUT THE PROBLEM IS: You fucking STRUGGLE making friends BECAUSE you have social anxiety disorder and depression. These struggles are embedded into your day to day life, choices, behaviors, cognitive processes, social exchanges, goals, and identity searching. Your problems aren’t YOU, but they are a part of you, so zipping your lips and forcing yourself to not show them is not only impossible, but also sheer misery; a real kind of hell, thus fostering continued awful depression.  This entire thought process was happening simultaneously next to me being high on a kayak in the middle of a dark lake at night with 2 new, amazing friends. I kept drifting away and battling poor inhibition control in being able to filter my speech. This is how I described it to G. I woke up in an extremely comfortable bed overlooking the lake and I was subtly crying soft tears.  9:14am “I had a million life realizations and moments when high that made me happy, but I woke up teary eyed and still am. I’m borderline crying if I let myself right now. Life is so hard every single day all day. It’s too hard. Being high, life isn’t hard, it’s easy. People are nice to you and take care of you. And they make sure you’re okay. And if you’re not and you open your mouth and say something neither of you judged me or left. Whereas I’m constantly fucking up everything in my daily life with my friends. Whenever I open my mouth I ruin everything with everyone. No one likes me or wants anything to do with me, but when I was high I felt like it was ok if I was sad or scared and could voice it and it was met with a positive response. That just doesn’t happen in my normal life ever.All I do is annoy everyone and they constantly leave. And it’s also just hard, like life is hard. Like why should I be struggling so much in normal life when I can just glide? It was peaceful on the lake. A happiness I’ve never experienced. Didn’t know it could be that good, and since it can, can’t I just do this all the time to experience the ease and appreciation for it? Like what would really be wrong with that? The only thing is I could easily mess up when high because I found it EXTREMELY hard to hold everything in. I really wanted to just pour everything out but you guys would have thought I was crazy like everyone else in waking life. I felt like I was in heaven and Ferris reminded me of Sunshine. And I felt like even if I died it would be ok since last night I slipped away and things were ok. But now I’m back and it’s too hard. If there’s a way to achieve that level of peace and bliss in regular life, I want in. But I don’t know how to attain that? Is it really a bad problem to have…? Like I get that society says it is and we aren’t supposed to be high all the time, but can’t we just convert the world to be easy like this? Like why aren’t we allowed to. Why are we forced to legit suffer. If life has potential to be easy then why are we like forced to put ourselves through misery day in and day out? I wouldn’t be able to be productive though or even want to be. Like I’m just talking we glide through life without all the stupid shit we have to do. Like why are we expected to do so much shit? I don’t want to go to U of M anymore, I sorta just want to do this. I’m worried I now will want to all the time.” I then went to a fun dog show with G and when I drove back to Kzoo I had more realizations and messaged them to her at 5:17pm. “I feel like I need to be high all the time. Cried on the way home slightly, so many realizations. Like freaking out bad about Ann Arbor and life and friends.” G: “It will be alright. And you shouldn’t. I think if you had done more you might have had more of a panic attack. You were getting kind of melancholy. I can see how you could easily go into panic attack territory if you were with the wrong people.”  Me: “Yeah, I actually was thinking about and analyzing this the entire drive home. It’s just so interesting. I’m curious how I seemed to you guys like how I came off? Was I melancholy more than just towards the end talking about L? I remember that.  The people I did it with in the past I believe were in it for themselves and pissed when they realized it wasn’t gonna be a good time. And didn’t know how to calm me the hell down besides telling me to knock it off which made it worse. I really appreciated and enjoyed doing it with you and J. Like I felt really safe and protected. Like what was I doing and how did I seem? Really really curious if it was how I actually felt. Because I was holding a lot in. It was really interesting, a constant struggle actually. Like I really want to try and explain this to either you or J if you’re open to it, but I don’t want to be annoying.” G: “You seemed slightly on edge for parts of it, but not too bad. Also the only ‘weird’ things you were doing were asking if you were being weird haha, everything else was all in your head :)” Me: “What do you mean by on edge? :Lmao. That’s funny. I kept feeling like I was about to annoy people even if I attempted to speak.” G: “Like on the edge of starting to panic. I know what you mean. The worst part about that is worrying too much about being annoying ends up being more annoying than just talking haha. I have totally been there.” Me: “But I had no control/ability to not want to say things. Like I kept having really fucking strong ass urges to talk a LOT. But I kept telling myself, ‘If you do that, you will lose friends because no one wants to hear about the shit you have to say or they’ll think you’re worth less’ and every single time I had something to say/wanted to say something.. it was something driven by panic. Like every single time and it was a constant need to talk. And I’m shocked that I was able to completely zip my lips and not let myself talk because that is so hard to do when I’m high. But I knew the type of things I’d start doing and saying. I have a tendency to always vocalize how I’m feeling about shit and I really wanted to vocalize things happening in my head or all around me or what I was scared ofbecause I totally was scared. But anytime I started talking, I immediately sounded like I was someone no one would ever want anything to do with. And time felt off, like really strange. So I had no idea how long I’d been talking about or thinking about any one thing. And I also didn’t know what I was doing a lot of the time. Like I felt aware, but also felt dead? Or completely out of it? So I was never sure what I was doing and was scared I’d intentionally go drown myselfbecause I accidentally didn’t know what the hell was happening.  So if I opened my mouth to talk about something, I had no idea if you wanted to even hear about it, how long I’d been talking about it, whether I was decreasing the chances of holding you as friends, because I wasn’t sure if I’d been doing it for hours or a normal amount of time or not at all. And in my head I just kept 

Continue quoting Talk ABOUT night & being accepted. Simultaneously happening next to me drifting Zipping lips Back to point: seeking What you seek is seeking you.

[bipolarblurbz-blog]

Where Would I Be if I Were Born 25 Years Later?

I wish I had known a long time ago about my mental illness. As the saying goes, “hindsight is 20/20” and my life played out as it should have, but I believe I would be “further along” intellectually, emotionally, and professionally had I been born 25 years later. I speak from an education perspective, because I believe that school is critical to a child’s neurodevelopmental, social growth, academic success, and ultimately their professional career. Today it appears that parents have a much better sense of their child’s character and surroundings, an awareness of potential psychological disorders and, perhaps most important, a closer relationship with their child’s teacher than years past. Teachers are privy to a child’s daily behavior and their associated developmental and learning disorders, and are often the first to recognize the need for intervention. Either way, it feels as though children are looked after and cared for in a way that I was not. And because of this, many get the support and help that they need to do their best in school, on the playground, and at home. I can still see my 3rd grade self being put in the corner for acting out. It was not until recently that I realized that I wasn’t a bad or misbehaved kid, I just couldn’t sit in my chair for an entire lesson. Had it been known that I had ADHD, then maybe I could have had the tools and, perhaps, medication to improve my school experience, and positively influence my life’s path. I always dreaded school assignments from elementary grades through college. Some people actually get enjoyment from learning! Unfortunately, that was not the case for me. I imagine this is because it was painfully difficult for me to focus to get work done; there is nothing enjoyable about that. People with ADHD are often quite bright and, because of this, the disorder goes unnoticed until the student can no longer “keep up.” This means that I was smart enough to get the work done even though I was comprehending far less than 100% of the lesson being taught. This explains my grades; both academic and conduct. I would soar academically and drown in conduct. Talking out of turn and to classmates, and getting out of your chair disrupted the class and are significant factors that affect conduct grades. I remember doing all of that. By junior high, my grades started to slip in some classes from A’s to B’s, spoiling my chances of getting into “honors-level” courses. I fell even further behind in high school. Courses were harder and more demanding, and I just couldn’t keep up. The student advisors were useless; we’d meet 1-2 times per year and accomplish next to nothing. They should be required to assess a student who isn’t doing well, and ask questions in an attempt to identify the potential cause and demand further evaluation, so that a proper diagnosis and treatment can be prescribed. Teachers working in my school didn’t talk to students or their parents about their progress, or lack thereof. Any news that got back to my parents was simply what I was telling them; and my report card of course. Neither of which told the whole story. But my home was chaotic and my mother didn’t have the time nor energy to understand and help all four of her children. My father was never involved; he was too busy being an alcoholic. My mother was the disciplinarian and caretaker. But she wasn’t able to see my poor grades as something beyond “laziness”, “misbehavior” and “carelessness” and to get me the help I needed to thrive in the school environment; ironic because my mother, herself, was a middle school teacher for 40 years. If I complained about school being hard or making me anxious, she would tell me something to the effect, “Well, I don’t know. You’re a bright girl and have a high IQ. You have the highest IQ of your three siblings.” But that didn’t help at all, nor did it matter to me. I was crying out for help, feeling as if I was drowning at school. Unfortunately, my calls for help went unanswered. My mom didn’t have anything to give; she was spent from the turmoil that was her life. It hurts my heart when I think about high school because I know I’m smart and could’ve done well. I could’ve learned and participated more, and ENJOYED the classes, but I had untreated ADHD, and symptoms of depression coupled with anxiety that began to significantly affect my performance. I remember having anxiety as early as junior high. That followed me into high school where it got worse, eventually becoming acute anxiety. Walking from the bus to homeroom was agonizing. Homeroom to first period, agonizing. Sitting at lunch, agonizing. Getting on the bus to home, agonizing still. I had no self-esteem; common for someone with ADHD who is often forgetful and clumsy and just can’t seem to “get it together”. Self-worthlessness shared space in my head with depression and anxiety. I managed to make friends, play sports, and make it through high school despite my struggles. I felt lucky that my state university accepted me -- I swear it was God working magic! My 2.8 GPA got me into their reputable business school. I chose a major in business administration because I was strong in math, and it seemed like a more functional degree to have when looking for a job after college. I remember arriving at college feeling clueless and terrified. My anxiety was debilitating, and coupled with my ADHD, I felt paralyzed. I was scared to go to class because I knew I could not pay attention and didn’t want the professor to call on me. I could not speak in class. I was horrified to give an oral presentation and would worry from the day I received the syllabus until the date of the presentation (usually 4 months in between!). I loathed working in groups and frequently didn’t produce my piece of the pie. (As a child of an alcoholic, you hide the truth and do anything you can to appear “normal.” Relationships are difficult to foster and hard to keep, and you don’t want anyone to see your weaknesses, so you do your best to not show any.). I skipped class often and would daydream during class; missing whatever the professor was saying. I would’ve been better off sleeping or going to the gym because I would’ve done something productive. I was so unbelievably not “present” that I FAILED the introductory course to my major! In the business school, you had to take an intro class for each department to confirm that the one you chose was something that you could succeed and were interested in (i.e. Intro to Marketing, Accounting, etc.). Since I could not pay attention in class, I would often not attend and would subsequently fail the exams. Consequently, I teetered my senior year on the seesaw of graduation or failure, while working my tail off to make that class up. Hard to believe I was taking an introductory course and the more challenging classes that are required just before you graduate at the same time. This was my life – a sad young woman who was lost and fearful, always trying to clean up her mess. I am a good example of what happens when mental illness goes unnoticed and untreated, while the person suffers, but either thinks it’s normal because they don’t know better or doesn’t understand why they feel the way they do. So, IF I were born 25 years later, my life might have looked like this: My parents and teachers would’ve gotten me help in elementary school where I would’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and put on a treatment plan. This wouldn’t necessarily include medication; however, as an adult I have responded very well to stimulants. I would’ve enjoyed school more and performed better. I imagine a chain reaction, with an early diagnosis and this newfound focus being my elixir to thrive academically, socially and emotionally.

Nothing is perfect though. I did develop depression (now diagnosed bipolar disorder II), anxiety, and PTSD, and those too would’ve had to be addressed as I reached my high school years. I would have had all my diagnoses and been treated consistently from high school to college and thereafter. I believe had my mental illness been cared for sooner, I would have chased my passion for languages. I started to learn Spanish and French and adored them both, but like anyone with ADHD, you start many “projects” and have 100 going at the same time, but you can’t ever complete any. Also with self-esteem and self-worth (squashed by untreated mental illness and an unhealthy home environment), I would have applied myself in all aspects of my life and progressed more quickly professionally and in my relationships. I never had a problem making or keeping friendships, but I also didn’t show them all of me, just a few. I was the friend who quietly listened, gave the feedback that they wanted to hear and shelled out compliments like candy to avoid talking about myself. The perfect people pleaser, typical of a child of an alcoholic. But I did have a social life and friends, that wasn’t my problem. I had a terror of boys and men and didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was 23 years old and I plan to marry in my 40’s. Maybe that’s the way it was going to be regardless, but I like to think that losing trust in men at a very young was a result of fearing my alcoholic father and growing up with parents in a dead marriage. I don’t attach mental illness to hiding myself from friends or being scared of males, but anxiety definitely contributed to feeling very uncomfortable around them, platonically or not. Doesn’t mental illness, though, impede life from moving forward? Not until recently did I no longer sense an immaturity (not naivety) that I had when thinking about being an “adult” (i.e. sustaining a serious relationship, getting married, having children, etc.) It took time for me to get a proper diagnosis, which had a negative effect succeeding in romantic relationships and jobs, and may have correlated to the relapses I had from stopping my medication. To me, mental illness, lack of self-esteem and self-worth, undoubtedly stunted me emotionally and affected my growth into adulthood.

But, this was my path and I am who I am as a result. And despite the lack of mental health intervention and my many struggles, I’ve managed to find my way to create a life for myself, rich with wonderful friends and a loving fiancé, and will continue to push myself to grow emotionally and spiritually. This is why I am bravely taking on the challenge of blogging my way through mental illness and pain in pursuit of mental health, just like how I eat well and exercise for my physical health. My hope is that I won’t allow fear to stop me even though each time I sit down to write, I am slapped with paralysis. I have to remind myself to write from the heart and the words will flow. “There is no shame in your story. There is no shame in your writing.” I imagine the more I write the better my writing will become and the prouder I’ll feel about my progress. There’s only going up from here!

[lucasflanagan-blog]

The Best Movies of 2016 According to Me and Only Me

I love movies. I love talking about them, talking shit about them, arguing about them and writing about them. This new blog I'm starting is my attempt to get back to basics with what I like to write about the movies I love and hate and everything else in between the highs and lows. Oscar Sunday is the perfect opportunity to discuss what I loved best about this past year. I saw many movies and still somehow seemed to miss a great deal of what I suspect might be worthwhile movies to check out. This stands as a testament to the strength of this past year -- the strongest in recent memory. But let's cut through the bs and get down to it. 

 First off, I want to highlight how strong a year this was for the horror genre. Something happened and horror movies -- a whole mess of them -- delivered in a legit way. Cooties was the best horror comedy I've seen since Shaun of the Dead. Rainn Wilson ruled nearly every minute of that movie. Adam Wingard did some interesting things with The Blair Witch and while that movie didn't entirely work, it's still a nice entry on Wingard's resume. The same goes for James Wan with The Conjuring 2. Not perfect but still a solid movie. 10 Cloverfield Lane and Green Room might not exactly be horror movies but they both slipped into the genre rather nicely while never being hampered by traditional genre trappings. The Mind's Eye was an extremely weird and crazy as shit little telekinesis movie. The Witch was a terrific exercise in slow building dread while still hiding so much more underneath the surface. Light's Out and Don't Breathe were, on the surface, more traditional fare but over delivered in every conceivable way. Specifically, Don't Breathe which always zigged when you expected a zag. Lastly, The Autopsy of Jane Doe and I'm not saying anything else about this movie except: SEE THIS MOVIE! There is one more horror movie to talk about but it nearly snuck into my top ten and will thus be discussed in this next section.

 Now, getting closer to the main course. In trying to pare down to a top ten, I was shocked at how many movies I was originally considering. This speaks to two things: How many great movies I saw this year and how close some of them were for me. Dr. Strange is definitely the craziest Marvel movie I've seen to date. Lion surprised me with how touched I was by what, on the surface, was a traditional, sappy, awards-bait story. Dev Patel was magnificent in showing the turmoil of going twenty-five years without finding your way home. Hidden Figures was the feel good movie of the year. Fences was crushing and while imperfect in it's pacing and constant tendency toward monologues, which is never great to watch on screen as opposed to seeing it live, the highs were really, REALLY high. Hacksaw Ridge was Mel Gibson's most complete effort as a director since Braveheart and while pretty standard, it was still a handsome production. The Lobster was definitely not for everyone and I'll definitely not be able to recommend it to anyone I know but for me, it totally worked. I found this movie hilarious at times. Is something wrong with me? Don't answer that. Next up is The Wailing, a Korean horror movie about...well, it's a Korean horror movie. It's about the Devil? Maybe? Whatever, the movie was nuts in all the best ways.

 This next group of movies is still in the same boat but were either made by some of my favorite directors or based on or part of something else I adore. Nicolas Winding Refn is a polarizing figure. I find the man to be a genius behind the lens and The Neon Demon felt like him summing up his career to this point while still projecting how he feels about the industry in general. Everybody Wants Some was marketed as a spiritual successor to Dazed and Confused and while that's a fairly accurate tag, the movie speaks more to the bonds of friendship and new love. Linklater is as good a filmmaker as there is working today. Everything he does just works for me. I feel like we speak the same film language. The Jungle Book surprised me. Rudyard Kipling is one of my favorite authors but this movie didn't look special to me in any way upon it's release. Word of mouth led me to an eventual viewing and I was stunned. It's one of the most useful applications of CGI I've ever seen in a movie. Nailed it. Oh Rogue One. I really don't know how this didn't make my top ten list. I love Star Wars and this easily ranks as the third best Star Wars movie ever. The best depiction of Darth Vader ever. Holy shit. Midnight Special made me cry. Hard. On an airplane. In front of a lot of strangers. Michael Shannon is in the discussion of greatest actors of his generation and kills it in this movie. Joel Edgerton has quickly become one of my new favorites and Jeff Nichols is the best filmmaker in the business right now. And finally, the final movie to JUUUUUUST miss making the cut. Arrival. Awesome, quiet, meditative movie and when the pieces of it's puzzle finally fall into place, you're left stunned in the best possible way. And next up for Denis? The Blade Runner sequel. Get psyched. 

 And now for my top ten. (Note: The top three movies were so close and are constantly playing leap frog. As I'm writing this, I still don't know which is going to be number one for me. And yes, I know it's February and nearly March. Don't look here for sense.) 

 10. THE HANDMAIDEN 

 Chan-wool Park is a madman. His movies are impeccably designed, ultra violent and perverse as hell. This one was no different. Easily the most gorgeous film of the year and full of twists, innovations, titillation and drama. I respect it more than I love it but I respect the living shit out of this movie. 

 9. DEADPOOL 

 Unlike any superhero movie we've yet seen. Violent, sexually deviant, foul-mouthed in the most horrible way but also smart, superbly written, hilarious, violent, sexually deviant and foul-mouthed in the most horrible way. Deal with it prudes. 

 8. THE INVITATION 

 Ahhhh The Invitation. The most contested movie of the year in my house. My wife hated it which killed me a bit. It'll undoubtedly be brought up in our divorce proceedings. Karyn Kusama reminded me of Hitchcock in this movie. Actually, the best ode to Hitchcock since the man himself. She is now on my list of directors whom I see no matter what. What's it about? Who cares? Karyn Kusama directed it. 

 7. THE NICE GUYS 

 Shane Black is a legend. How did this movie get ignored this awards season? Not even for it's script? Maybe the tightest script of the year. For sure, the best dialogue. Gosling and Crowe should spend the rest of their careers working with each other. Amazing movie. 

 6. NOCTURNAL ANIMALS 

 Another on the list of: HOW DID THIS MOVIE GET IGNORED? Tom Ford is carving out a hell of a place for him in Hollywood. A Single Man was amazing and now with Nocturnal Animals, I suspect studios will be hot after Mr. Ford. Also, how can you go wrong with the three best actors working today in the same movie? Shannon, Gylenhall, and Adams all crush here. Such a nasty slice of noir. We haven't seen noir willing to go full noir like this in a long time. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw one willing to be pitch black like Nocturnal Animals. I love when filmmakers don't give a shit about what an audience might think or like and just go out and make a fucking movie. 

 5. MANCHESTER BY THE SEA 

 This is a tough one. It's also another movie that is hard to recommend because it's so soul crushingly sad. But it's also funny and somehow life affirming. It's a great piece of character writing and solid directing by Kenneth Lonergan. Michelle Williams continues to be excellent while Casey Affleck continues to be the best Affleck. Anyone else wondering what Live By Night would have been with Casey playing the lead? 

 4. 20TH CENTURY WOMEN 

 And again another member of the WHERE IS THE LOVE CLUB. Mike Mills wrote the best script of the year. I'm willing to debate but there is really no debate. This was the best written movie of the year. Mills is an amazing talent. And then he went and cast so many people I love. Billy Crudup is great. Greta Gerwig, my wife now understands why I have such a crush on her. She is impossibly cool. Elle Fanning is going to be one of the biggest stars in the world very, VERY soon. Remember that. And finally, Annette Benning has never been better. She was robbed! And this is where things get messy/interesting/crazy/nonsense-y? 

 3. HELL OR HIGH WATER 

 Whoah. This movie was number one on my list for a very long time. Ben Foster gave one of my favorite performances of the year. Jeff Bridges was funny and badass at the same time and Chris Pine was incredibly authentic as a man willing to put literally everything on the line for his family. This was noir and a western at the same time and that ain't easy to pull off. Impeccably written and basically told two separate stories about varying degrees of brotherhood at the same time while still having plenty to say about the haves and have-nots. About ownership, not only about tangible things but also about one's life. I have a brother who'd I'd rob banks for and maybe that's why this movie spoke to me so sweetly but I loved it all the same. 

 2. LA LA LAND 

 This was the most inspiring movie of the year for me. I loved every second of it and maybe down the road this will be remembered by me as the best. I don't know, I have yet to receive my time machine. Gosling is as charismatic as actors get and ditto for Emma Stone. They're both likable nearly to the point of annoyance. Chazelle is a great writer and even better director. He allows his movies to breathe while still managing to fill them to the brim. It's a high wire act few can pull off. 

 #1 MOONLIGHT 

 This one was just different. I've never seen anything quite like Moonlight. It's the movie which stuck with me the longest after seeing it. I saw it over a month ago and not a day goes by without me thinking about it. The story is timeless and new at the same time. The way Barry Jenkins shot this movie feels revolutionary to me. Everything was shot in hyper color and then drab. Things shoot into and out of focus. It's like seeing a movie with all of your senses. Mahershala Ali gave my favorite performance of the entire year. He was nothing short of extraordinary. Everything about this movie was extraordinary. I liked it upon leaving the theater. I liked it more the following day. I loved it a few days later. And where Hell or High Water and La La Land were, in many ways, equally extraordinary, they were maybe just the best versions of their respective genres that we've seen in years. Moonlight defied genre to just be unforgettable. 

 Enjoy the show everybody.

 RIP Bill Paxton. 

 Love each other.

[momdefrazzler]

Investigating Sensible Plans For Securities and Exchange Commission

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The Case For Private Equity When Stocks Tumble

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Importance Of Entrepreneurship:

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What are the 12 characteristics of successful entrepreneurs?

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