#it’s more like ‘there’s no emotional vulnerability if we just both fuck another person together’

[cqssqndrq]

despite the fact that they’re technically an m/f pairing, moonshine/hardwon has big “it’s not gay if it’s in a three-way” energy

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

calico jack sympathy is a very rich vein for emotional ed whump btw. not saying anyone needs to sympathize with jack at all bc he DOES suck and personally idc enough abt jack to sympathize with him for his own sake, but there is actually textual support for a sympathetic cj read. canonically he has the same traumatic pirate background as ed and the two of them went through a rlly rough time together. we have direct support from the show that jack’s rejection of anything “soft” or “weak” comes from hornigold—the very first mention of hornigold in the entire show is when jack sees the breakfast table set for ed and stede and starts teasing ed for it with “just the two of you? hornigold would shit himself.” plus ed tells stede “jack’s always been emotional” and “he can come on a bit strong but he’s insecure” which strongly implies that ed has seen a side of jack that we don’t get to see in the one episode where he shows up. it’s a side that very well might be completely gone now that jack’s a grown adult man but to me it runs counter to the text to claim that ed’s assessment of jack is completely wrong and this vulnerable side of jack never existed in the first place.

so anyway one possible angle here for sympathizing with jack as a vessel for whumping poor ed’s heart is the tragedy of two kids going through something awful together and not being able to count on each other during the whole experience. being trapped in a physically and emotionally abusive environment together and empathizing when the captain singles one of them out bc they know firsthand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of hornigold’s ire, but at the same time they’re not able to ask each other for support bc what if they use that vulnerability, that plea for comfort, as a weapon against you? what if you try to offer them support and comfort and they push you away? what if, when you DO rely on each other for support, your captain sees that bond and uses it to torture you both even further?

and what do you do if you both comfort each other, you both take care of each other, and then one of you fucking dies? because that’s how it goes—most of the pirates ed knows are dead, a pirate’s life is short but nice, the only retirement they get is death, you’re not likely to avoid near-death experiences in their line of work, heading towards a raid with the one hope being that a certain death ain’t slow. and it’s not just raids, either: your captain might have you keelhauled for a minor offense, might starve you for a week if you laugh at him during a speech, might feed you a live crab for nicking some rations, or maybe a disagreement with another crew member could turn into bloodshed. maybe someone will push you overboard for shits and giggles. what do you if you’ve found comfort with a crewmate, and then that crewmate dies? how do you cope? you’re probably better off not letting yourself care for anyone, rejecting people’s pleas for support or intimacy or friendship, because it’ll hurt less when they inevitably end up dying horrifically just like everyone else you’ve ever cared about.

and then the other big ed whump angle here is watching someone you know experience horrific trauma with not only fail to process the trauma in a healthy way but also become a worse person as a result of it. like ed knowing firsthand just how awful everything jack experienced was and remembering exactly what it looked like every time hornigold beat the spirit out of jack when he was ultimately just a vulnerable kid. ed hearing jack say some toxic macho bullshit and knowing exactly where jack learned that and how much it hurt for 20-something-year-old jack to absorb that lesson—and more than that, ed remembering when he used to believe that exact sort of toxic shit. and ed feeling like he can’t hold it against jack if he doesn’t grow bc he sees so many similarities between him and jack, and the only reason he was able to heal and become a better person is bc he met stede—and it’s not like stede was the only person in the whole world ed could’ve connected with, he had an entire ship full of kindhearted doofuses ready to offer him emotional support and he betrayed all of them because the recent back-to-back backstabbing compounded on a lifetime of trauma and made it impossible for ed to trust them. how can ed blame jack for rejecting opportunities to heal when ed did the same thing? when he can remember watching firsthand as years of abuse caused jack to gradually close himself off, the worst part of it being that it was like watching his own reflection as he also hardened under the pressure of just trying to survive another fucking day? how can ed judge jack, when jack is who he might’ve been if he’d never met stede?

[biceratops7]

*Wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ed and Stede give eachother exactly what they need. It’s the way Ed looks at Stede and the way Stede says Ed’s name. They share these rituals together in a way neither dreamed possible.

There is a running visual motif of Stede being looked at. In these moments we’re placed (literally, talking about the camera here) in his point of view, where we can feel how… confronting it all is for him. His father glaring down at him with dissatisfaction that’s long since boiled into anger. His wife staring at him in an awkward silence like the frustration of being lost in emotional translation isn’t even worth a comment anymore. Nigel’s mocking gaze, Izzy’s calculated focus, It’s all to make you feel how unflinchingly exposed he is… but not vulnerable. He doesn’t get that because in order to be so you need to be understood. Stede lives with all eyes on him, but is not seen.

Then there’s Edward, who essentially has the same crushing issue but with a different presentation. His motif is his name, and what the other characters choose to call him is indicative of if they know him, or just know of him. Blackbeard is what he answers to most, but it’s not something he identifies with in the present, at best he has a very complicated relationship with the person that name represents. The greatest sailor who ever lived, the devil pYrate, a persona he perfected that has flown to the tallest mountains dragging Ed behind him. The only characters that call him Ed/ Edward unprompted or unironically are Stede, and interestingly… Izzy. We’ll come back to that later.

Now here comes Ed, sauntering out of the hell fire and into Stede’s life like the patron Saint of leather daddies. And here we see that same familiar pov shot, and boy does Ed fucking LOOK at him. The last sight Stede sees before he conks the fuck out is this beautiful man who’s heard so much about him at his… well, Stede-iest, and is gazing at him like the loveliest thing in the world right now would be to know him even more. Ed’s heart eyes are no joke, they’re famous for a reason. Each time he looks at Stede, it is giving, it is wanting, it is a deliberate act of love.

Of course in the same sense Stede fills the hole in Ed’s life as well (not that one shut up), the desire not to be revered, but beloved, known. To just be… Edward.

Stede used to have no noteworthy opinion on the matter of Blackbeard, enthralled by the legends as anyone else… until he met him, saw this kind and excitable man who loved all the things everyone else found silly. And suddenly now it’s none of his business. Stede doesn’t push, gets offended when information is revealed to him without Ed’s consent. He treasures all the ways he can get to know Ed, and holds space for whenever he can’t. He still admires Blackbeard sure, but only because he’s one of many facets that create someone far more interesting: Edward. From Stede, Ed’s real name is spoken with love, playfulness, simple familiarity, returning the warmth of the way Ed looks at him like another fine thing he deserves. Even when he’s not actually around to hear it, the natural thought process in Stede remains.

I think it adds nuance and depth to each relationship that this is presented in foil with Izzy, because Izzy uses Ed’s real name as a commodity. It has value only as a threshold of hierarchy for Blackbeard’s inner circle, which as the previously sole member, Izzy is preoccupied with keeping exclusive. He’s possessive of a concept, and the more he learns just how different “Ed” is from it, the more the simple notion of Ed becomes ridiculous. Though both call him “Edward”, it’s only Stede that does so as an unconscious demonstration that he accepts Ed’s autonomy of personhood and is adoring of whomever that is.

The last time we hear Izzy say “Edward”, it’s mocking. To him the name now only represents the pitiful death of a greater ideal “Ed” decidedly is not. The last time Stede says it, it’s when he’s confessing to Mary that he loves him. One instance treats Ed’s name as a mask of his true self, and an inferior one at that, and the other is quite literally revealing.

The image he holds when he tells Mary he’s in love is Edward looking up at him smiling, breaking bread, completely un-pedestaled and joyful to be so. And Stede knows understanding now, being wanted, vulnerability, comfort. He calls those all Ed.

[tightjeansjavi]

his eyes still glisten

A/N: so, this is based off a real life experience that I and others have probably been on both the receiving end, and the giving end whether it was intentional or not. Healthy communication in all types of relationships is important, as are boundaries. We all make mistakes and hurt people sometimes, but the important part to remember is that as human beings, we feel. We innately want to do good, and sometimes these hard conversations need to be had. Remember to also hold compassion for yourself during a painful/stressful time. We always can do better, and be better. 🤍

~word count: 2.9k~

Pairing | Joel Miller x f!reader

summary: Joel is feeling neglected in his current relationship with you. He breaks finally when you are no show to a planned dinner date. You and Joel talk through your feelings and set healthy boundaries in your relationship .

warnings: angst, hurt, some fluff, miss communication,minor whump, comfort, arguments, light mention of alcohol consumption, uncomfortable conversations, boundaries being set, vulnerability, just two people trying to navigate in a relationship, resolution, no age gap, reader has no physical descriptions, +18 minors dni!

main masterlist masterlist

As human beings we often find ourselves being engrossed in our lives. It’s never often intentional, but it’s easy as sliced butter to inadvertently make everything about ourselves. Our jobs, our relationships, our opinions, our thoughts. When we find ourselves too focused on our own lives, we forget the important people. Our friends, our families, our partners. You’ve forgotten your Joel, and he’s not quite sure how much longer he can keep his voice silent.

It’s not that you’re a bad person, a bad partner, a bad listener, you’ve just fallen off the rails a bit. Joel knows that he too needs to work on communicating his feelings better. His problem is that he often finds himself bottling everything up for so long that it begins to chip away at his exterior, piece by piece. He’s hurting; but you don’t realize it. After being together for so long, the honeymoon stage eventually wears off. He’s always been there to listen, be the shoulder used to soak your tears in. You’ve been good to him, so good to him, but lately he’s been feeling neglected. He feels the uneasiness in the pit of his stomach. The trepidation that maybe you just don’t love him anymore.

He doesn’t want to jump to conclusions, but there’s only so much he can take before he breaks.

“Sir, are you ready to order?” The waitress at yours and Joel’s favorite restaurant asks with a gentle smile. She’s stopped by the table a few times now.

Joel checks his phone with a heavy sigh. You're running twenty-minutes late, but he wants to give you the benefit of the doubt. He gives the waitress a small, polite smile as he shakes his head. “No, Just a few more minutes. My girlfriend is running late.”

“Of course sir, no problem. Would you like another beer while you wait?”

He nods tightly before she even has the chance to finish.

The minutes begin to tick by as he nurses his crisp bottle Miller Lite. He feels pathetic each time he glances at the entrance to the restaurant. His mind plays a cruel trick on him as he searches for your face in the other diners.

Where the fuck are you?

He scrolls through his messages between you and him. Searching for any context clues as to why you were late. He calls you once, twice, a third time. He can’t help the dread that begins to seep deep into his bones. His palms are clammy to the touch as he imagines the worst possible outcomes; you’re breaking up with him, you’re seeing someone else.

No. No. He chants silently to his callous thoughts.

You’re just running late.

He finishes off his second beer as he begins to feel the tears sting the corner of his eyes. He refuses to show his emotions in a public setting. He won’t break down here, like this. He fishes his wallet from his back pocket as he slaps down enough bills to cover both the two beers, and a hefty tip for his waitress.

Once he’s safely behind the wheel of his truck, he finally breaks.

You were in back to back meetings all day. You were exhausted, burnt out, frustrated to the max limit, and your dinner date with Joel was forced to the back of your mind. Subconsciously, work was beginning to become your top priority, while your relationship was pushed to the backburner. It was becoming hard to juggle it all. Your sense of work-life balance was depleting faster than you could keep up. At the end of an extinguished flame that was barely holding on by a thread, was your boyfriend. Your Joel.

It’s a moment too late when you’re smacked head on with the realization that you fucked up. Shit, what day is today? Thursday. Oh–fuck, Joel. Your own sense of dread forces its way into your system as you frantically dial his number. You barely hear your co-worker telling you to have a good evening as you rush out to your car.

He doesn’t pick up. You try again, and again, and again.

He’s purposely ignoring your calls and you can’t seem to grasp the reason as to why.

A sense of relief washes over you when you find his truck parked in the driveway of your shared home. The lights in every room are turned off. He usually keeps a few on when he knows you’re working late in the office.

He hears your keys jingle at the front door from where he’s sat at the kitchen table. He doesn’t budge. He sits there with a stoic look on his face, and his hands clasped in his lap. Remnants of his tears laid streaked across his cheekbones like two cavernous streams.

“Joel, baby? Hey, I’m so sorry about tonight. I was in back to back meetings all day, Eric was being a fucking cranky pants, again. I had to stay late to work on this project that is due at the end of day Friday.” It felt like you were talking strictly to yourself as you softly closed the front door behind you, and plopped your keys in the bowl on the hall table right next to his. “Joel?”

Your ears perked at the sound of the kitchen chair scraping across the tile as you rounded the corner. “There you are. I’m so sorry, baby. I–”

“Why couldn’t you jus’ call me, or send me a text message. I sat in the fucking restaurant waitin’ for you. I could have changed the time of the reservation had I known you would be workin’ late.” He answers flatly as his forefinger nervously begins to pick away at the skin along his cuticles. A nasty habit he can’t seem to break.

“Baby, I know. I didn’t have a ton of access to my phone, and I just got caught up in a lot of shit today. You know it wasn’t intentional, right?”

He swallows down the urge to scoff at your dismissive response as his eyes slowly focus on you. “Can you..not call me baby right now? I’m trying to have a fuckin’ conversation with you, and you’re completely dismissing what I just said.” He bites back out of pure frustration.

“Dismissing you? Joel, I just said I was fucking sorry. I told you that I was busy–”

“Yeah, I heard you. You think I'm not busy too? Yet, I still take the time out of my schedule to communicate with you, because it’s the considerate and bare minimum thing to do! You couldn’t just take five fuckin’ seconds to send me a text?!”

“Joel, I never said that you weren’t busy too? Can you please not put words in my mouth? I was in back-to-back meetings. I barely had any access to my phone! What are you insinuating here? That I'm just making up excuses?!”

“You’re tellin’ me that you had zero time to communicate to your boyfriend?! I’m not insinuating that you’re makin’ up excuses, because that’s exactly what you are doing right now. All I'm asking for is some communication. Do you know how fucking pathetic I felt waiting around for you? I just wanted to have a relaxing evening with my girlfriend. I’ve been looking forward to it all day, all week, and it’s like you don’t care.” His voice cracked at the end. He felt utterly defeated as he scrubbed a hand across his face with an exasperated sigh. He hated confrontation. He hated fighting with you. It ripped his heart to shreds to see the way your face immediately fell from his words.

When you couldn’t muster up a response, he took this as his opportunity to get everything off of his chest.

“Look, I don’t want to hurt you, darlin.’ That is quite literally the last thing I want to do, but i’m at my fuckin’ breakin’ point here. You’re the most important person in my life outside of my brother, and lately I've been feeling neglected in our relationship. I don’t think you mean it intentionally, but these past few weeks I have been hurting. I know I should have communicated this to you sooner, but lately it’s been all about you. I know you’re busy at work. I know you’re stressed and frustrated with some of your co-workers, but what about my day? What about the projects that I have been working on? What about my stress? What about..me?” His eyes glistened like two shiny marbles under the warm glow of the overhanging kitchen light.

You were taken aback. It felt as if a freight train had collided with you and smashed your body down into smithereens. You hesitantly pulled out the kitchen chair across from where he was sitting before you slowly sank down. “Joel, I had no idea that you had been feeling this way at all. I truly thought that things were okay between us. I’m sorry I didn’t read between the lines and picked up on your change of mood. I’ve just been so caught up in myself lately, that I haven’t created the time for us to just sit down and communicate like this.” You softly spoke as you clasped your hands along the smooth finish of the wooden table.

“It’s not just about reading between the lines, I have some responsibility in this as well because I can’t just expect you to know exactly how i’m feeling if i’m not taking the time to communicate it to you. I don’t want you to feel like you need to internalize everything I'm sayin’, okay? I jus’ have done a disservice to us both for keeping this shit bottled up for as long as I have.” He murmured as he moved his hands from his lap and rested them along the table.

“How..else have I been making you feel lately, Joel?”

You watched as he took a deep inhale through his nose, before exhaling shakily through his mouth. You saw his lower lip wobble with uncertainty as his still glistening eyes met yours.

“Truthfully? I jus’ feel like I ain’t as important to you anymore. Like I could just get up and leave one day and you wouldn’t even notice that I wasn’t there. I feel like I'm always there to listen, and comfort you, but you don’t do the same for me. I feel like I constantly am seeking reassurance that you actually still want to be in a relationship with me. I feel like it’s a one way street, and my car is about to spin out because i’ve lost all capability of steering. I feel obligated to tell you the things that you want to hear, in fear of hurting your feelings unintentionally. I feel like i’m constantly putting my best foot forward in the relationship, and in the same breath, I’m trying to hold it together with some expired fuckin’ glue. I feel like I've been putting my everything into us, and I'm just becoming an afterthought to you.” Admittedly, it felt good to get everything he was keeping pent up off his chest finally.

“Joel, you are so important to me. I absolutely would notice if you just weren’t here one day. I’m sorry that I have been making everything about myself lately. I promise you it’s not in an intentional, or malicious way, I've just been getting sidetracked, and I haven’t been taking the time to focus on us and our relationship. I completely understand why you are feeling this way lately, and your present feelings towards me are completely valid. I haven’t been the best partner to you, and you shouldn’t feel like our relationship is a one way street. It should be a two way street, and I regrettably have lost sight of that.”

He had half expected you to blow up in his face over his vulnerable admittance. He had his own baggage from past failed relationships, so that unhealed side of him wanted to believe that you were just complying out of spite. The healed side of him was a gentle reminder that you were human too, and that mistakes are made, and people are hurt, but the most important fact was that you were listening to him. You were validating his feelings and holding yourself accountable.

“Darlin’ it’s okay. We’ve both been shit communicators lately. I think it's something that we both need to work on, don’t you think? Earlier this evening when I saw that you called, I was purposely ignoring you because I was feeling angry, hurt, and I was feeling bitter. I know I should have just taken the call, but I also didn’t want to explode on you either. I was at that point, and before anything could be said, I needed to calm down and collect my thoughts. I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes, and that’s also somethin’ i’d like to personally work on within myself.”

“Yeah, we can definitely use some touching up in that department. I need to start taking your feelings into consideration more. I’m glad that you didn’t pick up your phone, because honestly? It probably would have gotten ugly. I also think that lately I have turned you into my personal punching bag, because I'm constantly throwing my work drama onto your shoulders without even thinking about asking if you’re in the headspace to take on my emotions. I just open my mouth and spew, and I need to be more considerate on how you're feeling at that moment. I know we can always vent to each other about our frustrations, but maybe a boundary should be set?”

He slowly reached for your hands across the middle of the table as his fingers slotted through yours. He gave your hands a reassuring squeeze, followed by a soft smile.

“Yeah.” He rasped warmly, “I think it would be good for us to set some healthy boundaries. Sometimes I just don’t have the emotional capacity to take on your frustrations, especially if I am feeling particularly down on myself, or just in a general mood. With that, I really think it would be good for us to think about the positives as well y’know? Maybe we should try to not let our frustrations completely take over the vibe all the time? Cause honestly, I do find myself seeking your comfort and support when I find myself needing it most, but with that, I also need to remember that you might not have the emotional capacity to drop everything for me, and that is okay. We both have lives existing outside of the relationship, I jus’ think we gotta find that balance that works for both of us.”

You gently squeezed his hands back as you attentively listened to everything he was saying. “Yes, I agree that sometimes we both don’t have that emotional capacity for one another. Perhaps a level of consent can be established? Just a simple, ‘hey, i’m really frustrated right now, can I please tell you how i’m feeling?’ That way, it doesn’t just feel like we’re venting without checking in with one another first?”

“I think that is a great idea, darlin,’ why should consent and boundaries only be applied in the bedroom? I think it’s beneficial to have it present in all aspects of our relationship. I also would appreciate it if maybe we start having these conversations more? Maybe they can be like weekly check in’s to see how we're feeling? This might be considered to be a little lame, but it’s almost like we’re scrapbookin’ our feelings? Maybe that ain’t the right word for it, but I jus’ want our line of communication to be open, y’know?” He could feel his once tensed up nerves begin to gradually settle. His heart no longer felt like a twisted coil now that you both were communicating.

“Yes, we should make a point to sit down and make the time to have these conversations. It might be a bit tough at first, but I think we can manage it. I get what you mean with the scrapbooking comment. It almost brings a lighter element to it? Plus, we don’t have to just talk about the frustrating stuff. We can talk about all the fun and exciting aspects as well. Joel, I just want you to know that you don’t have to bottle everything up before it becomes too much for you to handle. You can always talk to me, and I can’t promise that I will always be readily available, but I will actively put in the effort to be there for you, just like you have been for me. You and I aren’t perfect. No one is. No relationship is flawless, but I think with a bit of nurturing, we’ll be alright.”

Your own eyes began to glisten as you listened to the familiar scrape of the kitchen chair along the tile as he padded over to you. Your arms instinctively wrapped around his neck, as his own looped tenderly around your waist. He nearly crushed you to his chest from how tightly he was hugging you. He really loved you that much. You were his girl after all.

“I love you, honey. Thank you for taking the time to listen and acknowledge my feelings. I appreciate it so much, and we’re gonna be alright. We’re jus’ hittin’ a little speed bump right now, but we haven’t lost control of steering entirely.” He nuzzled his face into your cheek. You could feel the bristles in his beard gently scratch your skin as he squeezed you tightly.

“I love you so much, Joel. Thank you for being honest with me, and I promise I'll do better.”

“I know you will, baby. S’okay. We’re all just human at the end of the day.”

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[hopefulromances]

Long Time Coming I Chapter 17 I It's Been A Long Time Coming

Summary: Being hired as the first female assistant coach in the league was a challenge of it itself. Being a football prodigy and University Football Legend was easy enough. Coaching Jamie Tartt was a challenge all on its own.

Chapter Summary: The final chapter. Read the end note for more.

Word Count: 5.3K

Warning: The most canon divergent I get (roykeeley endgame forever), a little more self-indulgent than usual, some more heated content but nothing smutty, I'm just sad y'all

Prologue One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve 13 14 15 16

Change was in the air. A lot of things were changing. There was a lot of good change. Nate was back! He was just working with Will right now, but I could already tell he was different from how he left. He apologized to me for all the nasty things he had said and done. I was a little wary at first, but Jamie reminded me that I’d given him a second chance and Nate deserved one too.

Another good change was that Roy and Keeley had officially gotten back together. Much to the relief of everyone else in the club who couldn’t bear to see them apart. It was nice to have another couple around our age to go out with. We already had a double date set up for the week after the last game.

Then, of course, there was some not so good change. When Ted told Roy and I that he and Beard would be leaving at the end of the season, I almost passed out. My personal plans aside, I’d never done this without him, and I didn’t know if I wanted to.  But Ted assured both of us that the club was in good hands with the two of us.  Many tears were shed and that was before we told the team.

Roy and I went out alone that night. I told Jamie that we had some stuff to plan but really, the two of us just needed to be with each other.

            “What was Ted going on about?” Roy asked, taking a long sip of his beer. “About not letting his decision get in the way of any plans we might have?”

I shrugged, playing with my cocktail, trying to be inconspicuous. But, as usual, Roy could see right through me.

            “I haven’t figured out all the details,” I said, finally. “But… yeah… something’s planned, a bit.”

I expected him to be cross with me for leaving him to deal with the changes alone, but he wasn’t. He just lifted his glass towards me.

            “To big fucking changes,” he offered.

I smiled, feeling a warmth in my chest. “To big fucking changes.”

            “And you know,” he stopped me before I could take a sip. “We’re always here for you. Not just me, the whole fucking team would die for you.” It was very sweet. Roy being vulnerable with me for a second. “Don’t go getting all… fucking… emotional on me, (Y/N).”

            “You know what this means, Roy.”

            “We are not fucking, hugging.”

            “Oh, yes we are.”

I when I got home that night, Jamie was there waiting for me. We always ended up at each other’s houses somehow or another though we promised we wouldn’t move in together until after the end of the season. But there he was waiting for me anyways, washing dishes in the kitchen.

            “Hey, babe, how was grandad?” he asked, finishing up the plate he was washing.

I smiled at it, at the domestic nature of the act, at the thought of walking home to Jamie every day for the rest of my life. I walked up and wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my head on his back.

            “Was good,” I answered, rubbing my head on his skin.

            “Now who’s acting like a cat?” He rumbled, smirking as he looked back at you.

I hummed a giggle, pressing a kiss to his shoulder blade before letting go again. I leaned against the island and waited for him to finished up. He threw the dish towel over his shoulder as he turned to look at me.

            “What?” Jamie questioned, smirking.

            “What?” I returned.

            “You got a funny look on your face,” he told me, reaching out to pinch my cheek. “Look all spacey.”

I batted his hand away, shaking my head. “No… it’s just,” I rubbed at my chin. “There’s a lot of change happening right now… isn’t there.” Jamie cocked his head at me, motioning for me to continue. “Well… Ted and Beard are leaving, Nate’s back, Roy and Keeley are back together – which is great – but… it’s just a lot.”

Jamie nodded. “Yeah… it is. Was there anything else… that was changing… that you might want to tell me?”

Jamie had come to know me very well. Too well for my comfort sometimes. He could tell there was something going on in my head, something I wasn’t telling him. But that was something I still didn’t want to share quite yet, wasn’t ready to share.

            “No, I’m just same old me,” I grinned, stepping forward to slot myself between his legs. His mouth dropped into that lazy smile that drove me mad. I took a shaky breath and nodded at him.  “And we… we’re not changing? Yeah?”

            “I don’t plan on changing a thing,” He quipped, wrapping his arms low around my hips. “That is… unless we’re changing the amount of clothes you’re wearing.” He tugged at my pants slightly, drawing a laugh from me. Safe to say, no matter what else changed, we would be okay.

The final day of training came and went. The boys put on their show for Ted and Beard, who loved it, of course. There was so much movement happening all around the locker room. I sat in the crook of Jamie’s leg that he kept propped up on the bench as we chatted with Cockburn and Dixon when Keeley walked in with her usual cheerful greeting.

I took a moment to look around the room. At the team, and the coaches, and the people, walking in and out. It felt so different. So different from the locker room I’d seen three years ago. It felt much more alive and warmer, inviting people to come join the family. I felt a pang of nostalgia for it already, and there I was, sitting in the moment.

It felt like the end of something. It was the end of the season sure, but it was more than that. With Ted leaving and the future so unsure, it was really the end of an era at Richmond. The Lasso era was ending. And I missed it already.

Jamie and Roy went out that night for a drink. Jamie was practically bouncing, excited that Roy had invited him out and was going to allow him to drink a single beer. So, I took the opportunity to go to Keeley’s to discuss my plans with her.

I arrived at Keeley’s doorstep that night. If anyone would be able to help me figure out the logistics of this, it’d be her. I hadn’t told anyone else about this idea, just Ted and the very vague conversation I’d had with Jamie.

            “(Y/N)!” Keeley squeal when she opened the door. “What are you doing here?”

            “Hi Keeley,” I greeted, smiling. “I had something I wanted to talk to you about.”

It didn’t take long, only about an hour of chatting for us to figure out how to go about the plan. Keeley had been so excited, jumping on board immediately, grabbing her notebook to jot down some notes and start sketching some logo ideas.

            “Do you think Rebecca will go for it?” I asked, nervously.

            “Go for it? She’ll love it!” Keeley enthused. She sipped on her wine. “Is this why you’ve been so weird at training and such. Cause it’s not just Ted and Beard leaving?”

            “Acting weird?” I scoffed, rolling my eyes. “Is that way Roy said?”

Keeley smirked. “Said you were plotting something.”

            “Yeah, his death for starters,” I laughed, grinning. Keeley let out a cackle that only she could make. Our laughter was interrupted by a knock on the door. I looked at the clock, it was late, later than a random passerby. “Did you order food?”

            “No, I thought you did,” Keeley shrugged, scooting her chair back.

At the door was Roy and Jamie, and from the looks of it, they’d been in some sort of scuffle.

            “My word, what’s happen to you two?” I cried as Keeley opened the door.

Jamie’s nose was bleeding, his head tilted back slightly as he pinched the bridge and Roy’s shirt had been nearly torn off. They had other bumps and bruises across their bodies, and I honestly couldn’t believe it.  We finally sat them down at Keeley’s table, Keeley and I sat next to each other facing Roy and Jamie.

            “All right, are you gonna tell us what happened?” Keeley asked, handing Roy an ice pack. I handed Jamie a fresh tissue, wiping his face with my thumb, even as he tried to duck away from me.

            “Better be a cool story, or else this is just sad,” I echoed, pulling back from Jamie finally.

Jamie looked over at Roy who shrugged, gesturing for Jamie to start.

            “We got in a fight,” Jamie started.

            “About the two of you,” Roy finished.

Keeley and I looked at each other a bit incredulous before replying in unison. “Why!?”

            “Well, we was just talking about the trip to Brazil coming up that the four of us are going on, and I was saying how great Keeley was at her job,” Roy explained, smiling at Keeley.

            “And I was saying how you’re fantastic at your job, too, (Y/N),” Jamie followed up quickly. “How you had improved the team so much this season, the lads really respect you.”

Roy shook his head and turned to look at Jamie. “And I was saying how, of course, I thought you were good at your job, but Keeley runs her own PR firm, she’s fucking next level.”

Jamie growled and turned to face Roy. “But (Y/N) is the first female coach in the whole premier league, and she’s the only Captain from the Imperial girls’ team to win three straight championships.”

Roy leaned forward to get in Jamie’s face. “But Keeley is who makes (Y/N) look good. Keeley makes all of us look good.:

Jamie matches him immediately. “But (Y/N) makes sure there is good stuff to make look good.”

            “Oh my GOD!” I shout out, slamming my hands on the table. Roy and Jamie flinch away from each other. “Did you really get in a fist fight to try and prove which one of us was better?” I pointed between Keeley and myself.

The boys shrugged, answering me without saying a word.

            “Are you joking?” Keeley reared. “Like are you seriously joking?”

She and I looked at each other. Without another word, we kicked the boys out and returned to our wine night.

I returned home later that night to find Jamie on the couch, munching on a chicken kebab, his nose stuffed with tissues. I shook my head as I came down to sit next to him.

            “You are ridiculous, you know that?” I chuckled, taking the kebab from him. He let out a grunt of protest but didn’t stop me from taking a bite.

            “Oi, I had to wrestle Roy for that one,” he settled me into his side, his arm wrapping around me.

            “Oh, I didn’t know it was WrestleMania tonight,” I gaped shaking my head. I brought a hand up and mussed his hair. “What were you thinking? Getting in a fight with Roy.”

            “I was defending your honor,” He defended, grabbing my hand to pull it away from his head. “Don’t see the harm in it, just guys being dudes.”

I almost choked on my kebab. “Guys being dudes? You really have lots it.”

He smiled and pulled me into him, turning the TV on. I leaned back against his shoulder, staring at the screen, chewing on the latter half of his kebab. Now was the time.

            “Jamie, I’m quitting coaching.”

            “What?” He flew up from his seat, knocking me to the side. “What’re you doing that for? Is it Nate? Did he say something? Or Roy? I’ll kill them both!”

“No! No, Jamie listen.” I grabbed his hands, coaxing him to sit back down. “It’s not anyone else… it’s me. It’s what I’ve been… planning.”

Jamie frowned, his eyes looking into mine for answers. “You’re not gonna coach me anymore?”

I felt my heart break just a little at his pitiful tone. I brought my hand up to his face, holding his neck in my grasp. 

            “No, Jamie… I’m not. I’m not going to coach anyone,” I started to explain. “See, what I realized, the part of coaching I’m good at is the playing bit. Understanding the players and how they think. It helped Ted a lot but… I’m not a coach. I’m a player.”

He furrowed his eyebrows. “You want to play? You’re gonna join a women’s team?”

            “Yeah?” I worried my bottom lip as he processed. Why was I afraid? Was he going to disapprove, god was this like with Matt all over again? “Is that okay?”

            “Okay?” His eyes lit up so bright. “That’s amazing.”

He lifted me up, spinning me around in his arms. I held on tightly, afraid to fall, even though Jamie would never let me fall. He placed me down in front of him, gripping my waist.

            “How fucking amazing is it that we’ll be the two best players in our leagues,” He mused, grinning widely. “Who you going to play for? I ‘spose Arsenal’s the closest for the women’s or Reading but you can do better than Reading.”

            “You’re assuming I’ll get to pick!” I laughed.

He made a pursed his lips and shrugged. “Obviously, they’ll all be after you, won’t they.”

            “Well, uh, the thing is, actually,” I looked down, playing with the hem of his shirt to distract myself. “That’s what I was talking to Keely about. I’m gonna convince Rebecca to start a women’s team at Richmond.”

Again, Jamie processed. Then he lifted me up again, twirling me around, cackling like mad.

            “You’re brilliant, you are, you know that?” He kisses me then, passionately in a way I’d never felt before. My breath gets pushed out of me as my hands flail to hold on to him. He kisses me again, slowly, before pulling back. “I love you.”

I look at him, wide-eyed, panting. “I love you, too.”

He smiled at me smugly, knowing exactly the effect he was having on me. He reached down and lifted me up over his shoulder, carrying me off towards the bedroom.

            “Jamie!” I cried happily, banging on his back. “Put me down!”

            “Oh, I’ll put you down,” he sneered, plopping me down onto the mattress. He crawled over my body, anticipation growing with in me as I propped myself up onto my elbows. He took his time reaching me, his lips ghosting over my skin. Up my chest, my neck, until they hovered over my lips, just out of reach of mine. “My girl…”

He kissed my cheek, nose nudging mine like he liked to do. I tried to press up and kiss him, but he pulled back, what a tease.

            “Jamie,” I frowned, whining. I pulled on his shirt, trying to pull him closer to me.

            “Hold on, sweetheart,” he murmured, pushing me down so I was flat on the bed. “I just wanna look at ya.” His hand travelled down my body before coming back up to rest on my cheek, stroking my skin with his thumb. “You’re amazing.”

I felt so soft under his praise, under his touch as he admired me. But it wasn’t just my body he was admiring it, it was me. All of me. And when he finally kissed me, it felt like the sun was filling my body with its warmth.

The day of the final game came, West Ham, again.  This time under George Cartwick, the bastard. But I didn’t feel more normal anxiety about such an important game. Yeah, this game could solidify our ranking within the league, but I didn’t feel too worried. Win or lose, we’d shown the whole country exactly what we could do.

I carried the box from Zava in my grasp, using my legs to readjust my grip as I waved to Laughing Liam.

            “Hello, lads,” I greeted as I walked into the locker room. The room erupted in a choral of hellos and greetings.

            “What’ve you got there?” Colin asked, coming over to help me set the box down.

I dusted my hands off, starting to open it up. “It’s a care package from, Zava.”

The locker room groaned, and I smirked, sneaking a glance at Jamie who seemed quite pleased with the response.

            No,” Dani spoke up from behind me, quite firm. “Thank you, but no. I will not let him hurt me again.”

            “Ooh, it’s t-shirts!” Will smiled, reaching across me to get one.

            “Can I have two, please?” Dani decided.

I shook my head, moving away from the box to reach out for Jamie. He pulled me towards him, chuckling at the antics, wrapping his arms around me to pull my back against his chest, my hands crossing in front of my body as I held onto him.

            “Oh, oh!” Colin exclaimed. “There’s a card.” He reached in and grabbed a card out of it. “’My brothers.’” The boys laughed. “’Good luck against West Ham. Please enjoy the T-shirts and this avocado from my farm. Never forget, I am always inside you, Zava.’”

            “What, he sent us one avocado?” Jamie questioned, his lips right by my ear.

Bumbercatch lifted the avocado from box and held it up so we could all see it. It was giant. I felt Jamie freeze in surprise.

            “Holeh guacamoleh,” he shuttered out. “Show me that, bro.”

He let go of me to grab the avocado, staring at it in awe. I laughed, shaking my head.

The beginning of the game was a little rocky, probably due to the video that Beard had made, sending the whole team into a sobbing frenzy. The first half quarter was a stalemate, but Jamie was keeping them on their toes, controlling the field with his excellent strategic passes. Nevertheless, Westham managed to score, twice before the half.

The boys were buzzing during the half, talking and strategizing with one another. It was a stark difference from the team I started with. That team would be silent, brooding, angry about what was going wrong. But this team still had hope, they still had believe.

Ted emerged from his den to address the team.

            “Well, fellas, we got our work cut out for us in the second half. But you know, I’ll get to all that in a minute.” I went over to my spot next to Roy, crossing my arms as I looked over the group.

“No, uh, right now, all I wanna do is let you gentlemen know what an absolute honor it's been to be your coach. Getting to work with y'all these last three years has truly been one of the greatest experiences of my life. I've loved getting to know each and every single one of you. Learning all about the men you were and getting a front-row seat to see the men… and women you all have become “

He looked over at me and I nodded, swallowing a thick ball of sadness in my throat.

“A-And I wanna thank you for your patience with me. You know, when I showed up here, I didn't know one thing about soccer. But now... Well, now I know at least one thing about football.”

We let out a chuckle, though it was well watery I could tell. He continued.

“I'm just so gosh damn proud to be a part of this team. You know? And I love you guys. I'm gonna miss y'all." My heart swelled. I didn't want to say goodbye. I swiped at a tear that had escaped my eyes.

"Now, regarding this second half... Yeah, I don't know what's gonna happen. You know what I mean? No one does. Sports would be a lot less fun if we did. You know? And you all would probably make a lot less money, so... You know?  We don't wanna know the future. No, no, we wanna be here right now. And look, I-I know we're down a couple goals. But I'm telling you, man, if y'all play hard, play smart, play together and just, you know... Just do what y'all do, and we'll go out with the peace of mind knowing we did our best. That we tried. Yeah?”

            “Yes, coach.”

            “Hm. All right. Anybody else have something to say?”

            “Coach.” Sam spoke up.

            “Yeah, Sam, what you got?”

Sam stood up and grabbed something from his locker, pulling out a small piece of yellow paper. Then Jamie stood up, pulling out a book from his locker that had a similar yellow piece of paper sticking out of it. Soon the whole team was grabbing things from their lockers and pulling out their own yellow pieces.

I sighed and reached into my pocket and found my wallet. I had a polaroid of Jamie and I, sitting at Sam’s restaurant, and taped on the back was my own piece of yellow paper. I held it up and walked over to where the boys were placing their pieces.

Soon there was a clutter of pieces all mixed up. The boys stared at it a second, wondering what was wrong with it. Then they moved into action, putting it back together like a puzzle. I smiled at Roy who shook his head and chuckled.

Finally, the sign was back together. The torn up believe sign put back together by the team that made it a reality. I’d missed the sign. Missed it more than I knew.

            “And there it is,” Ted mused, smiling at it. “Number four. Yeah?”

The fourth rule of total football. Believe. Believing in this team and the people in it. Believing in change and love and friendship. Believing in the fact that victory was within our grasp. Believe was filling this room. Starting from when Ted first stepped foot in the locker, infecting the place with his positivity. Now the room, and the whole stadium was filled with it, so even when he was gone, we’d keep it going. Believe.

            “Alright, let’s bring it in.”

We walked in together, Jamie standing right behind me so he could keep one hand on my hip while the other went in for the huddle.

            “I know they folks like to say, ‘there’s no place like home,’” Ted looked around the circle, at our team. “That’s true. You know. But man, there ain’t a whole lot of places like AFC Richmond either.” I let out a shaky laugh, the team following in suit. He addressed Isaac. “Richmond on three. One, two, three…”

            “RICHMOND.”

The second half feels more electric than before. More shots on the goal, with only one getting in from Jamie. The stadium erupted in cheers as Jamie scored, giving the crowd a shred of hope for Richmond’s chances.

Jamie gets in again losing his mark and heading for a second goal when he’s tackled. It’s a weak tackle and Jamie certainly played it up but it got us our penalty.

            “That’s it,” I muttered, nodding at Ted.

It took a second, Jamie passing the ball over to Dani who then passed it to… Isaac.

            “Oh, what the fuck,” I grunted, rolling my eyes. I loved Isaac, I really did, but I was certain he’d never even made a penalty before.

Isaac went for the shot, and it flew into the stands, causing a groan to go across the field. It wasn’t the end of the world but equalizing certainly would have been helpful. But then the referee went back to look at the net before turning around and signaling a goal.

I laughed and let out a cheer, patting Roy’s shoulder.

            “Who fucking knew,” I gaped.

            “Apparently, Dani,” Roy answered.

This wasn’t the end; we still had another goal to get but victory was just in reach. The game came to a halt as the grounds crew came out to fix the goal. Jamie jogged over to me, an excited look on his face.

            “How mint was that, eh, babe?” He asked, excitedly.

I shook my head handing him a water bottle.  “You could have made that easily.”

            “Yeah, but where’s the fun in that?” He grinned, downing the water.

As he did, I noticed Rupert on the field. Yes, Rupert Manion, as in the owner of West Ham, walking on the field like a villain from a Bond movie.

            “What the hell is he doing here?” Jamie snorted, watching the man.

            “Don’t know…” I murmured back. “But I’m going to find out, cover for me?”

Jamie nodded at me, turning back to the coaches, as I tried to wander over inconspicuously I made it seem like I was going to fill up my water bottle, trying to get within ear shot of whatever conversation they were having.

            “Tartt is out there doing whatever he fucking wants.” Rupert growled.

Oh. I see.

            “Yeah, but I’ve got two players on him already,” Cartwick responded. He looked terrified, and Rupert pressed further.

            “Take him out.” I stiffened, looking that way, as subtly as possible. No way he was implying what I thought he was.

            “Are you joking?” Cartwick retorted.

I looked back towards Jamie. If anyone got near him, I would kill them. I’d kill them with my bare hands.

            “Get rid of him.”

I was gripping the water bottle in my hand so tight I thought it would break. Water started overflowing, getting my arm wet but I couldn’t move. I thought that if I did I would go over and punch Rupert right across his stupid face.

            “I’m not playing the game like that,” George finally being a good person for once in his useless life.

            “You do what I say, or you are done,” Rupert threatened.

George started to reply when there was a thump that sounded, and I looked over finally. Rupert had pushed George to the ground, sending him flying and, unfortunately, revealing both of his testicles.

I flinched away, finally walking back over to our side. Jamie collected me, pulling me away from Rupert, even though we were already far enough.

            “What a fucking wanker,” he grumbled.

The crowd seemed to agree as Rupert started to walk off the field, shouting it at him over and over. Part of me felt bad for him- oh wait no it didn’t. He’d threatened Jamie Tartt. The love of my life, and I thought he deserved a lot worse than a bad name.

            “Everything alright?” Jamie seemed to notice my tense mood.

I looked back over at him, shaking my head. “Yeah, fine, just go out and smash it, yeah? Watch your left kick, you’re holding back.”

            “Heard,” he nodded, agreeing. “Anything else?”

            “Oh, yeah,” I imitated thinking. “I love you, and when you win, we’re gonna have banger sex tonight.”

He grinned wickedly at me. “Now that sounds like a plan?”

I could tell he wanted to kiss me, but we weren’t exactly public yet. Keeley said it would probably be a bad idea, might look bad for a coach to be dating their player. We weren’t a secret exactly either, but just private.

            “Go,” I pressed, pushing him away from me. He nodded, sending me a look that I could read. I love you, you’re amazing, thank you. I chewed my lip and nodded at him as well. I love you, too, go smash it.

The Hammers got control of the ball quickly and it seemed like they’d scored a pull-ahead goal but, as Ted pointed out, they had been offsides. That had been close, too close. We needed something. Jamie was trying to keep up his role as engineer, but he had been completely boxed in.

            “Okay. Come on. Talk to me, geese,” Ted brought is in.

We needed something they wouldn’t expect right now. Beard and Roy rattled off some plays, but I closed my eyes trying to picture the field, what I would be looking for. Jamie was who everyone was expecting to make a play, so we had to use him somehow, maybe as… as a fucking decoy.

 I opened my eyes and saw Ted looking at me. I could tell he’d just made the same connection I had.

            “Do you think it’ll work?” He asked me, cocking his head.

            “Definitely,” I stated, nodding firmly.

            “Alright, hold on,” he called over to Nate, getting him to come over to us before calling out to the boys. “Here hold this.” He mimed handing something to Nate, who took the invisible object. “IT’S AN OSCAR!” He shouted to the boys, giving Nate some instruction on how to hold it. “OR THE ESPY”

That seemed to resonate with the boys as they nodded finally, discussing amongst themselves.  They started off, Sam passing the ball to Dixon. Jamie sprinted into the box shouting wildly.

            “YEAH, YEAH! PASS ME THE BALL! ME, ME, ME! I WANT THE PALL! PASS ME THE BALL, PLEASE!”

I couldn’t help but let out a laugh. He really was selling it and it seemed to be working. There must have been four guys marking him. But Sam was left open and Dixon took his chance, passing him the ball. Then it happened, Sam took the shot.

            “Barbecue sauce.”

The ball soared into the goal, and we’d done it. The game ended shortly after. We’d won. Everything moved in slow motion, the cheer of the crowd, the jumping and celebrations, the ground shaking with excitement.

But I was just looking of one person. Jamie. I needed Jamie. And we locked eyes. His grey eyes stormy with excitement. I felt myself moving towards him, rushing onto the field to get to get to him as quick as I could. I jumped and he caught my in his arms, spinning me around, my legs flying behind me.

I took his face and kissed him. Right there. In front of everyone. I didn’t care anymore, I wasn’t his coach, I wasn’t anyone’s coach. And right now, Jamie Tartt needed a kissing. He stood there on the pitch, practically eating each other’s faces off until I remembered where we were and pulled away. He followed me, letting out a whine.

            “Not now,” I muttered to him, giggling. “Now we celebrate with them. But later…” I walked my fingers down his chest.

He grabbed my hand, tsking his tongue. “Don’t do that, love. Or I might just have to take you away right now.”

I shivered, tempted to let him do so. But then I looked over and saw Colin kissing his boyfriend, I saw Isaac and Sam hugging, I saw Ted starting to gain a crowd, probably ramping up to do something cheesy.

            “Let’s go celebrate, babe,” I said, taking his hand in mine.

We ran over to the group to watch Ted do his victory dance. We celebrated. We were on top of the world. That’s how I like to remember that time. The whole team together. All of us. I could see into the future. I could see Ted leaving, and that would be sad.

But I could also see Keeley and I giving Rebecca the plans for the AFC Richmond Women’s team. I could see Jamie and I going to Brazil together and Keeley and Roy joining us after the shoot was done. I could see Jamie reconnecting with his father, showing him exactly the man he’d become without him. I could see Roy and Nate running the team together brilliantly. I could see us, months from now, having dinner at Higgin’s house. The whole team, kids running in the yard, chatting with Roy and Keeley, laughing with Colin and Michael.

I could see happiness. A happiness that I didn’t have three years ago that I had now. A happiness that had been…

A Long Time Coming.

Taglist: @heletsmelovehim @higherthanheroes @ajax-petropolus-wife @oxxolovemelikeyoudooxxo @optimisticsandwichgladiator @kno-way-home @sleepy-time @wigglegiggle @skewedcherries @respondingtoshowerthoughts-blog @snubug @rana030 @ems-alexandra @jaymum @imfalling-inlove @littleesilvia @eugene-emt-roe

END NOTE: If you've made it this far, thank you. When Ted Lasso ended, I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I still had the characters and stories rattling around in my head. So I decided to write this, just to get it out of my head, as an OFC Fic on AO3 (That's being updated as well if you're interested in meeting my OC).

Coming to Tumblr was inspired by a number of writers. Specifically three people who I now am mutuals with and even would call my friends. @illiterateaffairs @its-time-to-write, @alwritey-aphrodite, and @sokkigarden. Each of them inspired my in their beautiful understanding of Jamie's character, their individual styles and personalities, all of them inspired me and encouraged me to continue my writing. They are truly such talents, and I respect them each individually very greatly.

Finally, I have to thank every single person who has liked, commented, reblogged, or even just scrolled through a chapter. every comment, I read, every reblog, I read. They all mean the world to me, and I know I say that a lot but I really mean it. I didn't expect this series to get any traction much less get me nearly 400 followers. You guys kept me going.

Thank you for reading. From me and Jamie <3

[mswyrr]

forgiving and needing to be forgiven

Moiraine threatened Lan with a serious violation: she threatened to have Alanna force a bond on him. Lan could have chosen to walk away after that. Instead, he chose to consider this--and the rest of her shitty behavior--in context of Ishamael's assault on her and her own subsequent serious illness. He chose to forgive her - and we see, in the beach scene, that Moiraine makes it clear she doesn't expect his forgiveness.

When they come back together, choosing to open their hearts to each other once more--and emphasis is on Lan's wince as his heart reopens to her; it is his freely made choice, but it has a cost, there are scars left by what they've both been through and how Moiraine has treated him--the magic circles them and it is beautiful. Freely choosing to understand someone you love is hurting and commit to forgiving their mistakes and wrongs is a powerful thing; it is what makes long-term relationships possible. It is a kind of common magic - how people can grow, change, fuck up, and choose each other again and again. It is beautiful.

Loving someone, sharing a life together, and knowing them so well for decades--whether platonically or romantically--is one of the most beautiful things an adult human can choose to do. It is hard work; it is pure joy; it is the cultivation of grace for another and their failings and wrongs and the humility to recognize your own failings and admit your wrongs.

It's understanding and being understood, even the parts of you that aren't pretty, even the parts of them that aren't pretty. It's caring for someone when they're sick--not only temporarily, but even in chronic ways that wear upon you, that motivate the person to be hurtful toward you, like Moiraine was sick in s2--it's experiencing the vulnerability of receiving that kind of care even when you're difficult and unsightly. And every day it is a choice.

Moiraine can choose to forgive Siuan in the same way that Lan chose to forgive her. The same ethics and emotional truths apply and the reasons for Moiraine to choose to do so go back even further, are rooted even deeper, than Lan and her and their platonic love.

Lan forgives Moiraine at this point in the story because their relationship is very important, but it isn't Moraine's big true love romance - Siuan is. Their narrative arc is just gonna be more fireworks and grand imo. Siuan wrongs her at this point in the narrative (and Moraine wronged Siuan by deceiving her for six months!) because their resolution is being reserved for later. It's probably going to come along with another, even higher stakes resolution in the larger conflict, and it is going to be gorgeous.

Rosamund Pike didn't write Sophie Okonedo a passionate personal letter asking Sophie to play her wife--and Sophie didn't agree to that!-- just so it could end this way. That doesn't make "behind the scenes" sense or narrative arc sense.

[gallafics]

𝙶𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚊𝚏𝚒𝚌'𝚜 𝚁𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚎𝚠

Title: Wipe You Clean With Dirty Hands

Author: @livinginsunnyhell/@marzgaperez (Ao3)

Rating: Explicit Series: N/A

Chapters: 3/3 Word Count: 43.6k

Archive Warnings: No Warnings Used

Favorite Character: Ian and Mickey of course. And this fic has my favorite version of Mickey!! There’s also a few great side characters!

Least Favorite Character: Ford and his “gang” of losers.

Ao3 Summary: The door opened behind him and Ian closed his eyes, bracing himself for what was to come next. He took a deep breath in. Steadily, he let it out as he prepared himself to face his new cellmate. Mickey and Ian meet in prison. AU.

Review: This is a lovely quick read, packed with detailed writing, sexy prison smut and slight angst. We’ve got fluff. We’ve got a meet-ugly. We’ve got sexual tension mixed with mutual pining. We got my beloved, protective!mickey. I adore Ian in this fic as well, our lovable dopey boy.

I’ve always been obsessed with the “mickey is a dick to Ian at first but is pining for him, becomes his personal protector and then falls in love” trope! What I love about this fic is that both boys are mutually pining for one another, and then get together in a very strangers-to-friends-to-lovers way. Mickey opening up to Ian is a great scene and them finally breaking the sexual tension is 1000/10, *chefs kiss*, sexy scene. Their dynamic in this is fantastic!

Spoilers Below↓

Favorite Moment(s): As I said above, my absolute favorite scene is when they finally break the sexual tension…

He saw Gallagher’s eyes dart down to his mouth and freeze there. Mickey subconsciously licked his lips and he eyed Ian’s hungrily. One taste…just once…

I also love when Mickey is trying to be all tough, like he’s indifferent to being intimate with Ian but then he just…

The juxtaposition of hot against his back and cold against his front, made him shiver. Or maybe it was Ian’s soft lips mouthing against his neck. He tilted his head so that Gallagher could have more access to the skin right under his ear. He just needed him to move slightly to the—like that. “Fuck,” Mickey whimpered.

Soft moments during sex always get me too…

Against Mickey’s skin, he choked out a whispered promise that they’d find each other again. They’d always find their way back to each other.

One of my favorite moments, a small part where Mickey shows some vulnerability around Ian

He ducked his head, so Ian couldn’t see his face. He watched as Mickey taped his finger against his knee.“Did you ever meet a kid who couldn’t be saved?”

And the ending…it holds a special place in my heart

They could be headed back to the Gallagher house or stopping at a diner for breakfast. Maybe Mickey would drive a few miles and pull over in a secluded area so they could fuck. Or they could continue driving until they ran out of gas and started a new life together wherever they ended up. Whatever it was, Ian didn’t care. He was with Mickey. What he did know was that he was about to be far, far away from Beckman. It might be the place where their relationship started, but it definitely wasn’t where it was ending. 

The story has many moments that brought me joy and excitement and occasionally even made me a bit emotional. It's a great read, despite the mature content, and can be enjoyed quickly while still offering a detailed plot. *I keep mentioning "quickly," and although 43k may not seem short, I mean the fic is written in a way that doesn't feel like a lot!*

Favorite quote(s):

Usually, people feared him. They cowered when he was around. But Ian was fighting back. He was coming closer. Not pulling away.

Or maybe he was a masochist and tended to be into men who wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.

“He and his last cellmate got into it. Milkovich stabbed him with a plastic fork.”

I wonder what his red hair feels like… Mickey shook his head and ran a hand through his own dark hair as he tried to brush those weird thoughts away. His hair probably felt like fucking hair.

He wanted Ian to read him, to understand exactly what he needed without Mickey having to say anything.

Mickey honestly wasn’t sure what he wanted. But he knew what he didn’t want. And that was to wake up in a cell without Ian. To go about his day without Ian.

I could go on and on about how many moments in this fic caught and held my attention. The plot and dialogue are fantastic. I don't want to spoil too much—just read it and see for yourself. You won't be disappointed!

Final thoughts: I was really intrigued by this fic right from the start. It it’s set during the prison era, canon compliant or AU, I'm into it. The way Mickey and Ian's characters are portrayed is so true to their original versions, even in this AU. The way Mickey's longing for Ian is written is beautiful, and it's different from Ian's own pining. I could really feel Mickey's desperation and desire so clearly that it felt like my own emotions on the page! The plot is great, the smut is hot, and the chemistry between the two characters doesn't hit you over the head right away; it builds up gradually, making you want to keep reading. But it doesn't leave you unsatisfied as it wraps up in the best way. I highly recommend it. It's short and to the point, giving everything you need in a fic!

Thank you so much, ProstheticLoVe, for blessing us with this fic!!

— Harley, Gallafics Reviews

*Note that you do need an Ao3 account to read this fic!*

[comorbidfascination]

Bo: Reclamation

You and Bo finally find a way to leave your old lives behind in favor of the one you've built together.

warnings: nsfw, pregnancy

slasher masterlist here

You'd always hated Bo's dad. His mom wasn't much better, but she at least tried to keep the other boys out of harm's way. Childhood was a sore subject for you both, but you'd be damned if it would be for the baby growing in your belly. When you had brought up the idea of starting a family the first time, Bo had scoffed at the idea. Said he wasn't cut out for it, but you knew better. For as sadistic as he could be, travelers with kids were never harmed. He had always looked after his brothers in his own weird way. He cared for you enough to soften just slightly, and you were convinced anyone could do a better job than his parents. 

---

When test after test turned up positive, you were surprised, but not all that nervous. You had been quietly coaxing Bo into the idea for some time, and there was no way you were giving up this baby, his baby. You already had a couple names picked out, but that could wait.

"Honey?" You padded into the living room to find your boyfriend right where you expected: laid back in the recliner watching soccer. "Got a surprise for ya." 

Bo looked up at you, your smiling face upside down from standing behind the chair. "Yeah? Let's see it."

You handed him an envelope, which he opened to find a photo of all four pregnancy tests with a note on the back that read, "From Mama to Daddy." The smile didn't leave as you remembered how discreet you had to be in asking Lester to drive you into town to print the photo without him seeing it.

"You serious right now?" His voice was uncharacteristically soft as he stared at the photo.

"Hundred percent, babe." You circled around the recliner and he set it down so you could sit in his lap.

"We're having a baby." His eyes hadn't moved yet. "You're pregnant...with our baby."

You tilted your head at him. "Not like I've been fucking anyone else." 

Bo snorted, finally looking up at you again. He pulled you closer to kiss all over your face, making you laugh and push him off, and he leaned back with a dopey grin. "I got something to show you too."

Nobody else really ventured into the basement of the garage, so Bo had plenty of time and space to put together his surprise for you. He told you he'd been saving up for almost a year, but you didn't know what until he handed you a small tool box filled with engagement rings. He had never looked so vulnerable and sweet as he did when you opened the lid and gasped at the sparkling gems. 

"Oh, honey." You carefully dumped them out on his desk, spreading the rings out to see them all. "This is amazing. I don't even know what to say..."

He wrapped his arms around you, "Y'could say yes."

It suddenly dawned on you that this was an actual proposal. Bo had never been the best at expressing emotion through words, actions suited him much better. "Of course I'll be your wife, darlin'. Honestly, I don't know why you waited three years to ask."

He accepted your kiss with visible relief. "Never felt like the right time, I guess. I've wanted to marry you since we were eighteen, so waitin' a few more years was nothin'."

You cuddled into him, happy to call him your husband even if the marriage was off the books. You both knew Ambrose needed to stay off the maps, so the subject wasn't even brought up when you sifted through the rings some more. You also didn't need to ask where he had gotten them after helping to go through victims' belongings time and time again. They made a sizeable pile, and the ones you didn't want would do well at a pawn shop. Business always went with pleasure in Ambrose.

---

At five months and a much larger physique, you found out that you were having a girl. You insisted that she not take the name of a relative, that she would be entirely her own person, and Bo agreed. After another few weeks of contemplation it was decided that your daughter would be called June.

You had more trouble with aches and pains than you did with self esteem, even at the tail end of your pregnancy. Bo was adamant that you were just as beautiful and spent all his free time doting on you. Family was everything to him, especially his wife. The secondhand ring gleamed on your finger as you swayed with him to old country songs anytime the radio was on. 

When June was born, your already busy lives became even fuller with a fussy baby around. There wasn't much time for intimacy, but Bo was determined to make you remember how much he'd always adored you. You didn't do a thing except focus on June until you'd had enough of missing him while he worked. The help around the house was nice, but you needed him there with you. 

"Honey, come to bed. It's late and I can't sleep without you." You stood behind his chair at the kitchen table where he was fiddling with some broken appliance. Hands on his shoulders, you kneaded the muscles until he leaned back to look at you.

"Sorry mama, I'm comin'." Bo stood and stretched before following you to bed. Though you weren't as big anymore, he'd formed a habit of helping you out of your clothes at night. He kissed your neck and wrapped his arms around your bare middle.

You sighed happily and turned your head to kiss him back, hoping he wouldn't be too tired to go further. "Can I ride you tonight?"

He hummed in agreement and slipped his calloused hands over your soft hips. He hugged you to him for a moment, then let go. You turned to face him with a smile. Bo kissed your lips as chastely as he was able and took his own clothes off.

"Lay down, sugar." He did as you asked and settled in while you climbed on top. You stroked his cock and felt it twitch. Your pussy clenched at the thought of being full after too long a wait. "Oh, could you get a condom from the drawer?" One baby was enough for the moment.

"Sure, sweetheart." He rolled it on and helped lift you over his cock. "Ready?"

You nodded and started to sink down with a breathy moan. He was thick, though not particularly lengthy; you still knew better than to rush. Feeling your already slick folds part to take him in made your skin tingle with equal parts satisfaction at having him under you, and anticipation for how much more you'd be taking. Bo laid as still as he could, but it was torture seeing your expression and feeling your cunt envelop him without being able to move with you. He groaned and tightened his grip on your love handles. He'd put on a bit of pudge over the years as well, and you hummed happily as you braced yourself on his thick thighs. You were over halfway down and kept the pace slow. Finally letting your weight rest on him was one of the most satisfying parts. 

When you could sit on his cock properly, you leaned over to kiss him on the lips. He sighed through his nose and wrapped his arms around you. The strength from hard labor was obvious even through cushioning from years of home cooked meals. Bo trailed kisses down your jaw, then pulled back to look at you with lovestruck eyes. "I'll never get tired of this."

You chuckled and rubbed the tip of your nose against his. "Sleeping with me?"

"Loving you." He flashed a dopey smile. "In any way you'll let me."

Flushed from more than exertion, you shook your head, strands of hair falling into your face. "I love you too, baby."

He tucked your hair behind your ear and smoothed his hands over the curves of your body. You didn't bother sitting up; his chest was warm and solid under your cheek when you relaxed against him fully. You rolled your hips slowly and felt his hands settle on the swell of your ass, squeezing when you clenched around his cock. The house was quiet except for the faint calls of crickets and the wet sounds of your pussy swallowing him again and again. Bo rocked his hips in tandem and kneaded your pillowy flesh. With a soft whine, you angled your body so that your clit could get some friction, however slight. Ever attentive to your needs, he slipped a hand between you to stroke the little bundle of nerves. You responded with a throaty moan and panted hot breaths onto his skin.

The coil in your gut was tightening with every thrust, inching you closer to the edge. As much as you enjoyed savoring the intimacy of love making, you needed more. Pressing your nails into his shoulders, you murmured dazedly, "Need you to fuck me, Bo."

"Yeah?" He kissed the top of your head. "Don't worry darlin', I'll make you cum as many times as you want." 

Your world spun as he rolled so he could kneel on the bed, then flipped you back over and pulled your hips up to meet his. You yelped and braced your arms underneath you. With a low chuckle, he grabbed handfuls of your ass and let go to watch it jiggle. You keened into the pillow, trying not to wake the baby sleeping just down the hall. Bo pushed your legs open wider and guided his cock back into you. The two of you shared a moan, then he started pounding into your cunt like he'd never get another chance. Biting the pillow, you gripped the sheets and pushed back as he thrust forward. You felt a bit lightheaded from breathing so hard and from the electrifying friction churning up your insides - you suspected he had been waiting for you to ask for this. It was getting harder to think, or do anything except take every harsh thrust like it was what you were made for. 

It could have been minutes or an hour before you were shoved off the precipice of a blinding orgasm. When your vision cleared, Bo was still going, though at a marginally kinder pace. He was muttering under his breath and you caught the words, "Perfect for me," and "Almost there." Knowing he wouldn't last much longer, you arched your back and told him to give you everything. With a low growl, he shoved his cock as deep as it would go and filled the condom; you could feel it expanding slightly inside you. When he was spent, Bo pulled out and gently lowered your body to the bed. He cleaned up while you tried valiantly to keep from dosing off. You reached out for him when he was done, snuggling into his warmth and allowing sleep to take you. 

[sixty-silver-wishes]

why do so many caligari adaptations want to make francis The Worst Ever he’s just a guy

like. yeah. he’s impulsive and angsty and doesn’t always think things through. but he’s not an asshole he’s just some nerd who’s suddenly forced into solving a murder.

and he CARES ABOUT HIS FRIENDS. idk why so many adaptations decide to make him a dick to alan for no reason when like. alan being killed is the whole reason why the plot is kicked off in the first place??? francis is so hyperfocused on solving his murder through the entire film he literally can’t prioritize anything else. we see how close they are in the beginning, even if only for a few seconds. and he trusts jane enough to put her feelings above his own, respecting her decision as to whether or not she’ll choose him, and valuing her and alan’s happiness over his own. and even though she doesn’t show any romantic interest towards him, he still sees her as a refuge and trusts her enough to be vulnerable around her. she’s the first person he talks to after he finds out alan died, and we see them walking back from the funeral together. yes, his drive to solve the murder does come before his consideration for her feelings after she was kidnapped, but like. from his end, the guy was up all night looking for answers and, from his perspective, had a valid reason to doubt what she told him. which, yeah, his timing was horrible, but it’s also significant that as soon as he could tell she was upset, he went off to investigate again, even if he didn’t believe her. he’s a flawed guy, but at the end of the day, the film shows he’s fiercely loyal and devotes everything to his friends.

and like. you can draw parallels between francis and caligari. sure. both are ambitious, goal-oriented, active participants in the narrative. they both can get aggressive. and there’s a more complicated reading you can make of both of them using the concept of changing another character’s name and role to enforce their own identity (caligari forces cesare’s name and identity upon him so that he can be “caligari,” while francis wants to marry jane, which would change her surname and her role as the object of desire. there’s a whole tangent I could go off on about this but I won’t do that right now lol). both of them exhibit strong emotions, particularly desire and hatred. but the difference between caligari and francis is that while both of them may exhibit these traits, francis cares enough about the people he loves to put their own happiness and comfort over his own. he’s willing to let go of jane if she chooses alan, and is secure enough in himself to remain friends with them if this were to happen. caligari uh. very much does not do that. while francis will sacrifice his own pleasure for his friends’ comfort, caligari goes out of his way to make people uncomfortable for his own pleasure (and it’s interesting that they both display these opposing traits with regards to how they view jane in particular).

come to think of it. why don’t more adaptations like. make caligari Worse. a lot of them seem to really want to play it safe with him. yes, they make him evil and mildly creepy, but there’s a sort of restraint that a lot of adaptations take that isn’t there in the film. the only one I’m familiar with that attempts to explore the abusive aspect of him is the fucking “they are accompanied by francis who beats cesare to death with a club” musical, and even that one seems to detach itself somewhat from caligari’s exhibition of medical abuse, as it has him controlling cesare through a potion instead of the film’s implied psychological experimentation. the 2005 film, for instance, cuts out the part where he “becomes caligari” altogether, and many others lessen his role in the story.

I feel like part of the reason why so many adaptations steer away from exploring the full extent of caligari’s character is because they’re not interested in the symbolism of it, focusing on telling a conventional horror/mystery story instead of a allegorical examination of abuse and trauma, or perhaps for some, the allegorical implications are intimidating. caligari is abuse at every level, and I think understanding that is key to adapting his character. we see his manipulation and aggression on multiple scales, from how he interacts with individual characters (especially cesare) to how he runs an asylum and his carnival exhibition. the idea of an authority figure represented in such a way was so subversive when the original film was written that janowitz and mayer had to change the script to make francis delusional; is it possible that perhaps even today, the symbolism behind caligari and what he could represent- a man in a position of power who uses it to harm others for his own pleasure and to potentially mask his own insecurities- may be too uncomfortable for some people to really get into? I don’t know. but I have to wonder why so many adaptations tend to ascribe traits more in line with his character in the original film to francis.

tbh, maybe it’s ableism. that sounds like a leap, but the adaptations that frequently emphasize that francis is “insane” are the ones that tend to portray his character the most negatively, even within the frame story. instead of exploring how, outside the frame story, being institutionalized by an ineffectual (and possibly malevolent) authority figure may contribute to francis casting himself as a hero so he can get closure in a traumatic situation, a lot of them will go, “francis is insane, so therefore he Must be an aggressive selfish jerk!” which can also serve to sanitize caligari’s character, especially the ones that decide that francis is completely delusional and wrong about everything, and caligari is simply a rational doctor trying to help him. which, considering the themes of the original film, does Not have good implications. and maybe they’re not trying to be ableist, but are still playing into tropes that stigmatize disabled people, especially those who experience delusions. but idk

[hide-in-imagination]

Ok you've written various versions of thIs so I just have to ask... What do you think is Simon and Ambar sexual experience before each other?

Oof, that's a hard question.

If we consider which countries they're both from and the average age in which people usually lose their virginities in those countries, then both of them shouldn't have been virgins by the start of the series (usually those first experiences are around 15 or 16)

BUT we have to consider their personalities too and their backgrounds, because they might not be the average teen.

If we only considered Season 3, then we'd have to say that they were not virgins because there's no fucking way with the sexual tension oozing out of them both. HOWEVER, I feel like a lot of the actors was slipping into the characters during that season, both of them 20-something adults with obvious previous sexual experience, so I feel like judging on Season 3 events would be an statistical mistake.

So, we'd have to judge based on Season 1 and Season 2 alone. In season 1, Ámbar has her 17th birthday, and it is mentioned many times, I believe, that she and Matteo had been dating for a long while previous to the start of the series, so, basing ourselves on that and, like I said, the average age in Argentina, we'd have to assume that Ámbar and Matteo had sex at some point (or, if not p-in-v sex, they at least did a lot of the other stuff that also count as sex)

The only thing that makes me question it is that, you know, Ámbar and Matteo didn't have the closest relationship from what we see in Season 1? Matteo seemed very dismissive of Ámbar and Ámbar looked like she was with him because he was cool and on the same level as her so they made sense as a couple and she loved the idea of them together more than Matteo himself. However, as many of you might know, you don't exactly need to have deeper feelings for someone to have sex with them 😂 And they were hormonal teenagers, so all they really needed was some mutual attraction and the opportunity to be alone (which I assume both of them would have plenty of considering they're portrayed as rich kids who their parents usually leave alone as long as they do well in school and stuff.) Now, would Ámbar want to be that vulnerable with Matteo? You know, the whole letting someone else see you naked and/or literally inside you. I would have to say no, she wouldn't. BUT, again, maybe she just didn't see it that way and it was just sex, just an activity that regular teenagers do with their partners, and I know that the Ámbar back then would want to 'be cool' and look cool in front of her peers, so she would definitely want to have sexual experience because, otherwise, she could look lame, especially if she'd been dating her boyfriend for a long time. It would be 'expected' of them to have sex, and Ámbar would want to meet those expectations.

So, going for that logic, I assume Ámbar did have sexual experience prior to the series. Definitely not an emotionally-based one though.

Now, let's go for Simón.

Simón is older than most characters in the show when it starts (we know because he already finished high school.) Now, it is never stated how old exactly he is (I've seen some magazines give him some age or another but, as I've been informed, those were not official), but we can assume he was either just turned 18 (Like, he turned 18 right before the start of the show) or he turned 19 at some point of season 1 that they didn't show.

If we based ourselves on the average age at which teenagers lose their virginity, and especially MALES, then there's no freaking way he would still be a virgen unless he was considered ugly or incredibly unpopular due to his personality, but I think we can agree he's neither of those things.

HOWEVER, the opposite thing to Ámbar happens here in which I think Simón would only do sexual things with someone he had an emotional connection with. He's shown as this very sensitive, golden retriever guy from the very start of the show, so while I know that that can totally co-exist with a rowdy, extensive sexual history in real life, I just can not believe that it would be the case for him. I just can't picture it.

So it all would come down to, Did Simón have a long-term girlfriend before the show? I gotta say it seems unlikely, because the only ex we're shown is Daniela, which, I believe, is mentioned they only had one summer together?? Or a summer thing that wasn't really a relationship?? You'll have to excuse me if I don't remember that right, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

I don't think Simón would go all the way with a girl he'd only been seeing for the summer. Sure, it could look 'romantic' in his head, but no way. I think it would seem too fast for him, and he also wouldn't want to get too deeply invested in a relationship that he knew was not going to last beyond the summer.

In addiction to this, we're also led to believe that Simón has been in love with Luna for a looong time and he just hadn't realized it yet. (Whether that's true or if it was everyone's insistence that made him start looking at his feeling for Luna that way, is up to you to decide.) If that's true, maybe that would make it a little difficult for him to have girlfriends ?? Like, maybe that's why he only had short flings during the summer with girls because deep down his heart already belonged to another ???? I have no idea honestly. I do imagine he had crushes and, like I said, short relationships with girls throughout his life (because he's too much of a romantic and too cute for him to NOT have had dates during school and stuff) but I don't think he ever dated one for like a year or something, unless it was like from 14 to 15, or from 15 to 16, I guess that could be possible, and then he had his fling with Daniela in the summer of his 17 year and that would be all.

So. Considering all this. Did Simón have sexual experience before the show? ....A little, maybe. Like I said, p-in-v sex is not the only way to have sex with someone else. Simón could have, I don't know, done some dry-humping with a girlfriend before?? Again, because they're hormonal teenagers and the age at which MALES, specifically, do those things is usually even lower than girls. I think some petting over the clothes during a makeout session is more likely. At much he touched a boob. And at much he received a hand job if he happened to have an experienced older girlfriend, but I think that's it.

Maybe I'm not being realistic enough and I'm picturing him too innocently. (I've received comments in Wattpad from south american readers who are firm believers both Simón and Ámbar had sex before the show because there's no way they wouldn't have at their age.) You'll have to excuse me if you believe that's the case, but I just can't see Simón having sex with someone before the show. Like, with the way his character is portrayed, I just can't see it. And, you know, I'm a 26-year-old girl with a lot of outside knowledge but personally I didn't even kiss anyone during my teenage years, so it's easy for me to imagine others also not doing it 😂 I think the answer to this question you asked me, anon, can differ a lot depending on the personal experience of the person receiving it.

IN SUMMARY. What do I think Simón and Ámbar's sexual experience was before each other? For Ámbar, I think she had sex before. Maybe not all the way but most probably yes. For Simón, I think he was a virgin.

(Again, all of this is not taking season 3 into account because if we did, both of them would obviously not be virgins anymore.)

I don't know what everyone else thinks. Do you agree with me or do you have your reservations? To be clear, it's not like I'm 100% sure of this assessment either. I like to play with all possibilities of this in my fics and I'm not married with an specific headcanon. The analysis I made in this post is only me using logic and trying to be as unbiased as possible, but I'm a human being and I can totally fail.

Thank you for your question, anon. I hope you have a good day 🌷

[catchyhuh]

What about other relationships? And I mean it also in the platonic way? Do you have any headcanons for each pair? :)

i would LOVE to elaborate and you know i would but the reality is that there's. 24 other combinations here and i really have thought of every individual one to a degree in both a romantic and platonic sense but the only one that's like. damn near ONLY platonic to me is fujiko and jigen and frankly it's interesting so i think we'll hit that point first 

i’m just going to say it. the reason fujiko and jigen are so bitter towards each other is because they’re so alike. i mean obviously fujiko isn’t learning sick ass trick shots and jigen isn’t taking advantage of what god gave him and all but i mean in a psychological sense. they’re both very slow to trust, they think only idiots would trust THEM (major exceptions being lup and goe), and see vulnerability as something stupid and precious at the same time. also they’re both very much in theft for the money of it more than the thrill (although the thrill is def a factor for them both, they get very smiley during insane car chases and shit) WHICH unfortunately leads to the major clash between them: Dude What the Fuck That’s MY Shit

the main difference is that fujiko gets away with her betrayal, almost always, and jigen, as evidenced by his many, MANY exes, can’t really seem to cut clean ties with the people who he just doesn’t need anymore. multiple characters have insisted jigen has “softened up” since meeting lupin, and while he doesn’t seem offended by the accusation, maybe even grateful that he’s not the type of person he was before, fujiko’s never had that push FULLY come to shove, or she just… wasn’t deterred by it like he was. they both KNOW they’re bad people, and they’ve both accepted that to various degrees but in. slightly different ways. and maybe that’s part of why they clash too, just from fujiko not seeing a need to change vs jigen being very sure that he needs to-- and beyond that, maybe he’s jealous because she’s achieved a level of guarded emotions that jigen clearly hasn’t reached, based on how easy it is for people to read himIs any of this making sense. be honest. 

the two of them are surprisingly more content working together than they aren’t! if it’s “we ran into fujiko and oopsies haha i gave her the crown jewels :P” then yeah fighting starts but when it’s a job job, they almost always put aside their differences with ease. they’re both at least smart enough to realize each other’s capabilities, and when fujiko tells jigen to cut that wire, or jigen tells fujiko to swerve left, they’re not going to just IGNORE each other on that front! it’s something neither of them would say, and jigen would vehemently deny while fujiko would dismiss the subject altogether, but… yeah, they WOULD die for each other. of course, that doesn’t mean they LIKE each other, and they’re not often going out of their way to do things for one another, but it’s an interesting dynamic. like, i can barely tolerate you, but i respect you, and if only because someone else cares about you, i care. 

IT’S REALLY STRANGE like. it’s kind of like. when you have an ex-friend who liked a certain thing, and then you see like a t-shirt with that thing on it, or smell their favorite food when you walk into a cafe, and you think, “man, if we were still friends, i’d tell them i just thought of them” but, you can’t, because you aren’t still friends. fujiko and jigen are kind of like that, but without there ever being a true “friendship” period? the funny thing is both of them have managed to indirectly give the other gifts at LEAST once because they’ll be with one of the other two and go “one time i heard jigen say he likes those ties but i think the color is so dull it wraps around into being eyesearing” and “fujiko keeps saying she thinks the dupes of this purse are ugly and ‘do a disservice’ to the original but really i think they both look like shit” and then when it’s their birthday and they get this very specific thing they wanted theyre like. omg! you know me so well goemon!! i don’t even remember talking about this with you actually,

i don’t know IT’S JUST INTERESTING IT’S ALL SUPER INTERESTING TO ME. i love dissecting every tiny move they make when working together but i think my FAVORITE thing they’ve ever done together is when fujiko was stressed about lupin and goemon fighting (didn’t end up being anything severe i mean this was part 2 after all lol) and jigen just kind of leveled with her and was like “hey dude its cool. just chill out over there, they wont actually hurt each other, y’know, so like, you want a cigarette?” and she paused and was like. “yeah actually, i would” and it was as simple as that. it would’ve been easy for fujiko to snap about him assuming how she felt about this, or for her to even tease him about being worried for her sake, and it would’ve been easy for jigen to ignore fujiko’s obvious discomfort and maybe even silently enjoy it, but he didn’t, and she didn’t. and when the two of them wrapped up, jigen called her attention to tell her it was over. maybe it’s just left such an impact on me because of how relatively early in the franchise a moment like this happens, and i know i said earlier that them working together during times of crisis is interesting, but really, this is such a small thing in comparison, where it WASN’T a “we have to do this or we die” choice, but just a “we don’t have to make this suck for the other” simple decision. god i hope any of this makes sense

[hardlypartying]

I’m curious why you decided to end up bad habit with Jiara. Did it make sense to you at the moment? I remember Rafe and Kiara were pretty good living together and then she goes to marry JJ. Torture to all of us Riaras😭 fix my broken heart and pay my therapyyyyy

Hahaha long story short I wrote bad habit at a very strange point in my life and I essentially used it as a form of therapy to work through that period— I was also very sad and cynical and didn’t see another way to end it lol. (Melodrama was on repeat iykyk)

As for the story, Rafe and Kiara were living in this fantasy world where only they existed and it was selfish and unfair to the world around them— even if they found someone who knew them better than they knew themselves. It wasn’t rooted in reality and for a while there they had that, the mundane makings of life and they were content. But I didn’t see that as something feasible for them, to continue isolating. Rafe was shunned by his whole family while Kiara just picked up and left everyone behind. It was a very arrogant move and the only way I could see it working out is if they dug their feet into the ground back home and not let everyone else get to them. But that was never them, they wanted it to be only them far away from anyone to see. Which is cute in theory but you can’t base your entire relationship off that.

The jiara element to that is really a throwaway, it’s finding something familiar and right. There wasn’t even a comparable level of pull that riara had in the fic between jiara no matter how hard I tried. I did feel a certain pressure to make that the endgame but not enough pressure to force my hand, I chose to make that the end to prove the point:

The inverse is that this is a story about knowing when you’re seen and holding onto that, I think very rarely we get an opportunity like that and it’s chaos in good and bad ways but it’s up to you to decide what you make of it. And the two did a brave thing to be together and I’ll never fault them for trying to make it work and finally being honest/allowing that love in. They were both very wounded people who mirrored each other’s hurt in a way that made their own more palatable. And in turn they helped each other heal. It wasn’t conventional at all but I think they’re better for it even if they have to leave the other behind to carry on the lesson they learnt. I feel like the outrage for the last chapter (rather the final paragraphs) is 100% necessary because I want people to read it and take a moment to reflect on the characters and if they related to any part of the story and do what they would’ve wanted from the story rather than the typical/miserable ending. I know it’s just a fic but I’ve found nothing better to kinda get me back on track than fics/books/media where I’m so fucking pissed off at the ending that I keep going out of spite. I wish they got a happy ending, I really do, but it was what I thought was the best for them at the moment and I can’t really find it in myself to deviate from that. I’ve forever got a soft spot for them. I hope this isn’t too much of an emotional answer for you but truth be told this story can’t be untangled from my emotions at the time. I honestly think that’s part of the reason why it reached as many people as it did and that was a hugggeee risk and super vulnerable to put out there.

I always knew I wanted it to have a bittersweet ending and still stand by it! My personal situational aside I’ve always loved an ending that stings a little. But I’ve been chipping away at an alternative ending/future between the two, it is a little sweeter but I don’t want you to get your hopes up because I don’t see myself posting that in the near future. Another part of me is just wondering if I should just let the ending stay that way and not touch it, I don’t want to risk ruining it by adding something else to it if everyone’s moved on haha.

All this is super super super subjective, idk what my feelings will be tomorrow vs today :)

[gregoftom]

ever just watch and replay the kiss to feel some emotion in your chest

the commitment to it the length of it the softness the firmness the eyes closed the eye open and unwavering in their contact the holding of his head the touch to his cheek and shoulder the pause on leaving to turn and nod, like the need to linger there, the want, the more that could be but doesn't come, the lack of words, the unfettered emotion

the length of time of that fucking press of lips to greg's forehead. the most raw outpouring of tenderness. of gratefulness. of getting to have and to hold and to keep. of being overcome by happiness and the expression of that is to kiss greg with such affection and care

to linger on that for as long as he genuinely wants to

to feel feel feel

to be almost in tears by it!

to be surprised by his own self for doing it. to have acted without inhibition, and that's what came

it's the softest thing in the world

and when he releases the kiss, to behold this angelic face in his palms...

ohhh my heart is aching for him.

and he had to remove himself from the corporate room of wives and bosses to let himself experience something so in need of pouring out of him. to be able to express that in front of greg, with greg. his release, his escape, his levity, his friendship, his comforting anchor of security. the one he's found and orbits to constantly since. the one he wouldn't want to do this without. a partner. a grounding presence. someone to be free around. someone he doesn't need to hide any part of himself around. he can be a prick, he can be macho, he can be loving, he can be feminine, he can be playful, he can be flirty, he can be sad, he can be tired, he can be grumpy, he can be nurturing, he can be seen in his socially weak moments without embarrassment or fear, and in fact taking greg's metaphorical hand to help him so openly. he'll be closed-off and angry at times but he can be weak and vulnerable. he shows his belly with undoubting trust.

greg's his one person I don't think he should ever have to go without in his life

(and really they should spoon and fall asleep together about it)

christ anon you want me dead!!! bc alllll of this - and the way tom does a little gulp and blinks afterwards, like he almost cant believe he did that, the way greg searches tom’s eyes for the joke, for a razz, and it doesn’t come, only genuineness and affection so he nods, understanding, his hands clasped almost in prayer like he’s a disciple of this hurricane of a man. the way tom’s fingers pet the back of greg’s head, such a tender action and something he knows greg likes, to soothe and answer his question; is it real?

yes greg, yes it is. realer than anything in this shitass world where people put on a meatsuit and pretend every day of their lives. it’s real with you. i’m real with you.

and about the belly thing, SO true but an actual visual example of this is the wrist in america decides - he exposes his wrist which is a vital weak spot to greg when greg takes the coke from it, representing so much in terms of their relationship. tom can’t help but expose himself, he loves greg so much. and despite it getting him burned greg loves him too, kissing his hand when pretending to snort the drugs [toms ring hand btw, which shows subservience indicating that greg Likes to be in that kind of position with tom and thus chooses to be and explains his pure joy at the sticker scene] bc these mfs are so desperate to press lips to one another that they find any way they can. skin other than mouth because they’re both too afraid to do that but they find any way they can because they want each other so badly.

they should you’re SO right and tom jetpacks greg, we seen that boy wrap his own arm around himself, he wants to be cuddled! needs to be! so he’d be so at peace and happy and feel so safe to have tom’s thick and warm arm around him.

IKR damn like. that really happened!!! and greg did the same in 4.08!!! damn these bitches are gay!!!! good for them!!! good for them…

[mielmoto]

Rate'em, honey! He's practically flaunting himself!

Drop me a character name and I’ll reveal my muse’s heart... | (accepting)

💔 Non-existent || 💗 Very low || 💗💗 A little || 💗💗💗 Hopeful || 💗💗💗💗 High || 💗💗💗💗💗 Maximum

wonderful, (that's more like it)—it would be her ABSOLUTE pleasure to do so, sunshine.

VISUAL ATTRACTIVENESS: 💗💗💗💗 (purely aesthetic appreciation of looks)

If Honey had a nickel for every brown-haired, blue-eyed high-energy golden-boy type she was wildly infatuated with, she'd have at LEAST two nickels, and probably more if put to the test—which is to say: he hits the high ranks, for sure, if not the absolute peak. Her highest echelons are generally reserved for the slightly beefier types, but that's no disparagement to Pit's trim, athletic, sprightly physique... (and that also means it's the full 5 hearts if we're borrowing this artist's rendition as a basis). But otherwise? Excellent hair, beautiful eyes, expressive and well-kempt, but also a little wild at the edges. Mwah, mwah. gorgeous.

FRIENDSHIP LEVEL: 💗💗💗½ / +💗 (how close a friend they consider them)

This one is a teensy bit of a mixed bag, isn't it? On the one hand: they're easily compatible as friends in the bantering, playful, mutually-impulsive and adventurous category. I see Pit bringing out the best in her in that respect, inviting her out of her sometimes-lazy or cautious nature (avoiding certain risky situations because eeek ooooh aaaah scary!!) with the pure sense of elation which comes from their shared company—the effortless sense of fun, of intrigue. They have similar attitudes, similar personalities; they're the life of the party as much as they are the party, which goes double when they're together... But it's not the deepest of friendships, in that right. Reluctant as either can be with emotional vulnerability, and what I think becomes an unintended expectation for both to maintain the high-energy, light-hearted atmos they cultivate between them—they don't exactly reveal much of their heart to one another, and it's difficult to say that they're really close with that in mind.

SEXUAL DESIRE: 💗💗💗💗💗 (...you know ( ͡°ᴥ ͡°) )

They are an absolute nuisance to everyone around them. Genuinely, they're so compatible in this respect it is annoying, and they can scarcely breathe a whole breath without saying something HEAVY on the subtext. Indulgent and wholesale unashamed in their enjoyment of one another, as well they should be.

ROMANTIC INTENT: 💔/💗(this could go ANYWHERE higher but for now??)

bad! at! commitment! gang! if one or both of them did/does end up catching feelings for the other, they'll probably capitalize on the whole (borderline) immortal privilege of dropping off the face of the fucking earth and hardcore ghosting the other person for a century or two rather than just come out and say anything. ruin their perfectly good, fun arrangement just because they got sentimental? perish the thought. which is a shame, really, on some level. they'd probably be good together. oh well. not a concern, at the moment, so fuck it: we ball.

[bullet-prooflove]

Hello again! I simply adored the headcanons you came up with for Matthew and Avery's story like omg it's all so good? Such delicious angst and lovely romance! Your backstory for Matthew is incredibly sad, but it also fits his character perfectly. I've always had a similar headcanon that he must've been very poor growing up and has a deep resentment of Neal because of it. His thick NJ accent (I have family from the "poor side" of Jersey and he sounds a lot like them) compared to Neal's upper class way of speaking is a big indicator of that for me. And I love that idea you came up with of the two of them often in each other's orbit by accident, but then Matt starts intentionally creating these "coincidences" for them. That's so cute and funny! I can easily picture it in my mind. I can see Avery snatching up some priceless pieces of art and just when she's about to leave Matt shows up like "I hate to interrupt your grocery shopping sweetheart but I'm afraid you've got too much stuff for the "10 Items or Less" checkout 😉" and then he takes some of the art she had and leaves lol.

And oh my goodness your little scenario of them casing a place as a couple and abruptly sitting down and asking each other how they felt about a particular painting from an emotional standpoint is super sweet I would definitely be the same as Avery and fall in love right then and there lmao.

Also, I saw that you're now writing for THE Daniel LaRusso yaaayyy I'm ridiculously excited! Ralph Macchio was one of my first childhood crushes, and to this day he is still a celebrity crush of mine. And Danny is a delightful character and I especially love how the actors and writers on Cobra Kai have made both him and Johnny evolve as people post the movie canon! So yeah, expect some requests for Danny from me in the future as well as my typical requests for Matt lmao

Anywho, hope you're having a good day/night!

- Kelnon

Hi Kelnon,

I honestly think Matt has real issues with getting in his own way. He hates the vulnerability that comes with being with Avery but craves it at the same time, it’s a constant war for him. He’s been taught it shows weakness, but with her it doesn’t feel like that, it’s almost natural. It fucks with him a little, esp when he starts revealing more about himself.

I think for me the indicator was the distain in which Neal said Blue Collar criminal, like it’s beneath him. Arguably Matt’s the one that has to work harder because he doesn’t have the same opportunities as Neal.

I think for both of them there’s always been an attraction but Avery is usually guarded when it comes to her work life and personal life intermingling so there wasn’t much opportunity to spend time together until he started orchestrating his own meet cutes. I also think he likes to see her a little riled up because it breaks that cold professional persona she’d created, he started to see the real her and he kinda likes it. I imagine that’s how their first time started. He turned up at another one of her heists, stole a bunch of art, they’re arguing/negotiating. She’s berating him, telling him what an asshole he is and he’s like but you kind of like it though don’t you, that I challenge you, I think you like it more than you let on and then he kisses her and it all goes to hell and their fucking amongst the artwork. He wakes up and all of it’s gone, he’s not even mad, he’s just standing there with half naked with the sheets wrapped around his waist smiling because she challenges him a little too.

I do think that Matt has a deeper appreciation for art, we see a little of it throughout the series. He has an appreciation for beautiful things. I feel like maybe as a kid when he needed to escape his home situation, museums were his refuge and that’s how his love started, I feel for him it’s more about the history and feeling the weight of it in each of the items.

I am writing for Danny, I write a small piece involving a hotel bar for him and his lady love. I really like the way they’ve expanded his character and built out him and Johnny. It’s a really well written series.

Feel free to request as much as you want!

[revasserium]

I suck at writing friends to lovers or anything where a relationship wasn't / hasn't been really established. Like, I jump straight into awkward feelings and blurred lines. Any tips for fleshing things out more?

oKAY so -- friends to lovers is one of my FAV TROPES bc it just *clenches fists* has UNLIMITED potential to either be the most whOLESOME shIT or SUPER GODDAMN AnGSTY.

right but, i think the most important thing is to establish the basis of the friendship first (at least imo). for me, friendship (at least the GOOD, TRUE kind) is always a kind of comfort, a certain level of familiarity with each other. and there are things that show that in text:

inside jokes

(lovingly) shitting on each other (one of my FAV TROPES!!! see: iwaoi)

physical touch

emotional vulnerability

etc etc etc

and i think esp for the FRIENDS aspect of this, there's nothing better than looking at your own life and your own frienships -- how do you act around your closest friends? what walls do you take down when they're around? how do you talk differently? how do you move around them?

start there, and take stock of those things. and then, translate them to the characters ur writing! and boom, you have the "friendship" part down.

if you want to go even further back and detail the beginnings of friendship -- the one thing to keep in mind is that usually friendships start because you share something in common with another person and then you bond over it right. so -- i have friends who are all writers, i have friends who went to the same college i did, i have friends i met through my bf but we all love fuckin drinking good wine and eating good food so we send each other insta reels of all the newest restaurants that we wanna try in town --

again, look at how your own friendships start, and transpose that into the story.

do your characters meet at school? in the library? on a crowded subway station when it's fucking 98 degrees outside and they're both so damn tired of the day but there's a dude screaming into his phone standing way too close and they catch each otehrs eyes and roll their eyes at the same time???? like -- commonality brings people together. shared experiences and honestly shared suffering brings ppl together too.

mOST of my best friends are my best friends bc we're all shady as fuck together. LMAO. use that. take that and put it into your story.

that's what builds a solid foundation and then -- you already know the rest :) the blurred lines, the awkward feelings -- the ????? WTF WAIT DO I LIKE THIS PERSON ?!?!??!???!

yeah, the gUD stuff.

anyway!!! i hope this helped! :D