#it’s just so surreal… and scary!
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Lumi and the Great Big Galaxy got a small shoutout in a Saberspark video and never have I ever felt more gobsmacked than I have in like. Ever
#like what do you mean my silly little oc project is in a video from a guy I used to watch on bronies react????#I’m literally just. what. huh. HUH!!!!#but not in a bad way of course#it’s just so surreal�� and scary!#Lumi could potentially get a lot of attention which is cool but also terrifying???#I’ve just been stunned all day I have no idea what to say#just?? wow??? holy crap??#Evan bleats
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get urself a slightly unsettling dream sphynx for you
#tpot 10 spoilers#tpot 10#winner tpot#loser bfb#loser tpot#<-WHAT THE HELL!!!!! NOT HER NAME#its actually so surreal taggigng that but i mean ? yeah shes there? SCARY#nate.art#also yeah i wanted to pretty her up a bit . more lion-like big cat with gold stuff just to rub it in#im literally so crazy man#also yeah i made her unsettling slightly (mostly just having a mostly stuck expression) cuz lke. it is a nightmare after all HAAH
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just so you all know i am just straight up never going to be cool or perfect ever. im always going to be lame and a bit weird at times and im going to fuck up SO many times actually. i am also going to be a pussy and not stand up for shit, so please don’t get mad at me online ever cuz i cant assure you that if that happens i won’t delete every trace of my existence and never go online again out of fear
ok thank u!!i see people expecting wayyy too much of other people online and like…im not the person you wanna expect anything of. you all build an opinion of me that’s like 10000x better than the actual me and that’s great I’m not complaining but my line of good takes is going to end one day or another because i cannot believe ive gotten this far, and when i make a bad one i need you to not get mad at me thanks
#im so scared ill make a bad take and y’all will do a 180 on me#this is like the first time ive ever been even#SORT OF ‘popular’ online#(don’t consider myself it tbh but some do???)#and it’s SCARY#because by all definition I’m just some lame ass weirdo!!!!#and you think I’m so much cooler than i am!!!!#i used to be the person who butt into conversations others would have awkwardly#or who made posts that got 0 notes on average#with my biggest post being 18 notes#this is so weird and surreal and scary#having people like my stuff or care about me online#weird shit#people who LOOK UP TO ME???#insane.#i don’t get it!! or understand!!#I’m autistic (surprise surprise) and having people LIKE me is unheard of#willddd shit#it probably seems small to others#im not like. insanely popular#or highly well known#im not a figure by any means necessary#but#enough people like me to make a difference#a good one! but a scary one#idk aaa#this is gonna be an 8-noter boys i can tell#at best
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and when I say big things I mean....! ohhhhh...I'm very happy ;_;
#it's very surreal...! i almost never thought this would happen. but there's so much hope left to hold onto really#and it feels so good...! it feels like as though just maybe - finally - i am alive.!#and living. and feeling real feelings once again...its been a very long time. it feels like nothing has been so real such as this not for#not for a long long time#very scary. i want to leap fowards into it; it is very hard to wait and hold onto patience now that it has been said...#but of course there has been much patience and a lot of waiting for literally over a decade so. surely it should not be hard to hold onto#aaaaah!!! very lovely. very happy. less terrified than i ever thought i could be#very strange!
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everything i learn about tsv (i've only listened to the first ep) makes me INTENSELY scared,,, it seems so well produced and well written that it scares the artist part of me and the surreal "contemporary (it is set in the present, right?) reality but weird and fucked up" thing just unnerves me so much... i can't deal with unexplained absurdity/surreality like that. also the ending being so tragic (it was tragic, right) makes it all feel so... hopeless?
#HOW DO SO MANY PEOPLE LIKE IT ITS SO SCARY#also about the surreal thing i literally cannot listen to wtnv because its too WEIRD for my brain to comprehend#not that i don't like weird stuff its just that its never clear (to me) if the weird stuff in the story is supposed to be weird#to the characters too.#i did really like alice isn't dead though idk why that one worked out for me#maybe its because the weird stuff was more believable because like of course youre gonna see weird guys while driving.#or maybe its cuz the character in alice isnt dead is new to the weird stuff and finds it weird alongside me#i think it also has to do with the setting#i understand the roads of alice isnt dead i dont understand the rural america (??) of tsv or the small town of wtnv#so the setting itself is already strange and foreign to me
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SO UH.
FOUND THIS OUT TODAY
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!!!!!! :DDDDDD
it means a lot to me that so many people find my silly internet shenanigans interesting enough to get me to 50 entire followers!! it might not seem like a lot compared to other blogs, but to me, it's basically everything. genuinely, you guys are awesome and i appreciate every single one of you
...and that's why i decided to give you guys something in return!! i'd like to present to you...
THE OFFICIAL MEATBRICKS ARCHIVE!
i figured that i'd give something to the people who stuck around for this long first, so here's an official online reupload of every fanfic i've ever written for my dearly departed urbanspook request blog, meatbricks! i hope you guys enjoy, and once again, thank you SO much for being here and supporting me <3
#scary crane milestone#not fandom#does this make me a niche internet microcelebrity now???#anyways uhh. i might post another thing here too for the people who are new here and/or have no idea wtf a meatbricks is#i'll have to figure it out though lol#anyways thank you guys again; i know i've said it a million times but i'll say it a million times more#its SO surreal to me to see that 50 on my screen. i didn't even think i'd get 5 followers on here honestly#it's so good to be appreciated even by just one person; imagine how it feels when there's 50 of em#seriously i cant even describe how overjoyed i am right now
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indie horror tier list but i designed it specifically to reflect my actual opinions piss off everyone
#i mean everything below c-tier has a shit starting idea for starters#by the 'never played' thumbnail though i can tell that 90% of them are the same#the 'corruption of your childhood/an established property' thing#which has gotten so fucking old im hunting through its attic stash for dress patterns#are my standards too high for horror? or are horror standards too low#because it feels like AAA horror is the one AAA industry actually doing somewhat unique ideas with its genre#and it's indie horror that's inbred as fuck#we have mascot horrors and nostalgiabait horrors up the arse.#and the only good one is still godzilla nes because that one also gets pretty fucking surreal and original with its imagery#amanda might get points for not being a soulless cashgrab but it's still an unoriginal idea.#isn't indie horror supposed to be where your ideas aren't hampered by studio interference?#why are all the fucking games the exact same as each other#and it's just whether Michael Rat or Your Dad or The ScreenChubs or Thomas The Tankin Dankin or Blinky Fucking Bill#chasing you through the childrens playground/theme park/house/secret hell#yes i get it woooo it's that thing from my childhood i liked but it's DARK and EVIL and SCARY#and it wants me DEAD#i want me dead too bitch!#come up with another reason for me to be scared!
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This is my favourite example of recursive dialogue in DE: where sufficiently high Inland Empire will allow you to talk to inanimate beings to the extent you will be called out for thinking you can talk to inanimate beings, by the very inanimate beings who are talking to you via Inland Empire in the first place
#disco elysium#magistralucis plays disco elysium#disco elysium spoilers#ask for tags#close contender: mr evrart is helping me find my gun :)#on my first playthrough my tie never woke up so this was a really scary surreal horrorterror moment with just me and the man#then on the second i got to this part... and the FUCKING TIE SPOKE and sent the mood skyrocketing ksjhfhhffh
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I saw a video from the West Hollywood pride parade that showed FBI agents there with guns and one of them was wearing a shirt that said FBI in rainbow colors on the back 😐
#I tried to google it as a fact check even though the person who posted it was there and seems trustworthy#and even though they weren’t in full uniform and we’re just wearing shirts that said FBI#I can’t think of any reason why they wouldn’t have actually been the FBI#especially given the fact that the FBI sent out a warning saying they thought ‘foreign terrorist organizations’ would target pride#actually ‘foreign terrorist organizations and their supporters’#(so basically pro Palestine protesters)#anyway I couldn’t find any news source about it just right wing discussions boards peddling their homophobic conspiracies in response#but like I said Im pretty sure it’s real#which is scary and the rainbow fbi thing is a bit surreal
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saw a really fun show tonight! got home took pee and became an ex-member of the never passed out club
#it's oversharing time on tumblr bc I'm a little freaked and have never fainted before haha#we got home and I just suddenly got a lot of pelvic discomfort and nausea like food poisoning#at some point I was thinking oh better go tell my mum in case she needs the bathroom/wondering why I've been up there a while#hey listen don't come upstairs I'm gonna poop massively#and apparently I did actually do that. but I don't remember because the next thing I saw was her looking over me on the floor downstairs#so I still feel like I dreamt that conversation and also the first few things said to me waking up#which is probably normal for passing out right.#really surreal and not a fun thing to happen. fortunately only happened for a few seconds but felt like I was out longer#I'm sure experienced faintees are looking at this as no big deal but it kinda shook me ngl#I'm better so I think I'm just dehydrated (I do drink through the day. maybe it's still not enough as it should be tho?)#but apparently I went grey and blue lipped which is just scary for everyone! I'm ok now#I'm just lying here searching my symptoms and going hm. fascinsting like a cartoon scientist in-between being dramatic and scared#I never did poop
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okay so i'm in chile right. real famous for its andes mountains. its huge mountains. but man i never came to realize how looming they were
like yes them bitches pretty and they look pink sometimes! but!! isn't it just odd how they're just. there. watching you, locking you in????
#idk if its cause im so used to seeing the sea or something#but these mountains definitely feel surreal and ethereal and real scary#i guess my brain just cant process how big they are#santiago chile#andes mountains#rants
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I find it kinda funny how a few youtubers have said tpn was the first horror to actually get under their skin like. bro tpn is an action anime
#related note#i find it funny how so many horror reviews will say oh THIS will scare you this is different from everything else i dont find horror scary#but this scared me#and then its like. incredibly tame#or its just mildly surreal#like im sensitive to horror but tropes i like tend to be in horror and half the shit ppl say stuff like that about just. isnt deeply scary#ddlc really is not peak horror 💀 i love ddlc but the horror really isn't the player's#its far more scary to monika than to you lol
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during the pandemic I got (multiple times) a call from unknown numbers that was just a robot voice slowly saying "stay safe" over and over again and every time I think about it I want to hide under my bed
oh you're in a horror film/book and your phone died/has no bars? how boring. I think phones in horror SHOULD work. they should ding only to have the protagonist check and find nothing. they should get calls from somebody you don't know but is still somehow in your contacts. google maps should lead you to one place, no matter what address you type in.
phones are such a big part of our daily lives, removing them from horror removes the horror from our experience. what if the horror felt like it could happen to you, right here, right now? what if it felt like it was already happening?
#that's not a horror prompt that's just a real thing that happened in 2020#but also#this is the sort of horror that I love because it so genuinely scares me#anytime a character in anything gets a scary/surreal phone call voice message whatever ITS SO SPOOKY#that before-last addition with the getting texted a picture of yourself is nightmare fuel I love it
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"Maybe you believe deep down that no one will ever be able or even willing to meet your needs.. :-(" yeah haha maybe. Maybe NOT so deep down lol
#like yaaaaaa being used and abused and mistreated and taken advtange of all yr life can do that#like genuinely can i just have a deep calm love 😂#where i dont feel like im walking on eggshells or need to play a role or make myself uncomfortable to make it work 😂#where im never pressured to do things that will harm me or be blamed for my own mistreatment 😂#can i just have that 😂#it feels so impossible. like yes subconciously ive played a part in it obviously#i have things im attracted to that arent good for me#but genuinely i didnt realize up until now#im nuturing yes and love to spoil but i dont think i actually LIKE being 'mommy'#it just feels familiar. it feels like that's what is wanted and expected and so i play into it#idk my heart breaks for all the shit i did in the beginning of the relationship that i didnt really want to do#i genuinely 100% THOUGHT I WANTED TO. I THOUGHT i liked it but looking back i was just#doing what felt familiar and doing what i felt i had to to not get abandoned#and it just hurts my heart#how much i betrayed and hurt myself just so someone wouldnt leave me#and now i see that if i had just been myself and he left it would have been an alignment#a moment of 'oh we're not right. oh well'#i mean it wouldnt have gone down that way and i didnt know the knowledge i do now#but just. idk.#my heart just hurts for myself tonight. how badly i want to be loved and belong but how impossible i make it to FEEL love#how i assume other people dont like me so i hang back and save them from having to experience me#yuck! you dont wanna be around me! im annoying! im cringe! i dont want you to have to pretend to like me when you dont it's ok#and it ends up pushing ppl away. i have to be myself to attract the people i belong w#which is so scary#if im myself if im just open and authentic then it's also up for anyone to reject me and judge me#but it lets people see me who WANT to know ppl like me#but even that feels so surreal to me#i force myself to believe my friends want me around because it's so mean to assume they dont#but i just cannot believe it#anyway idk i reached tag limit. im just sad and wish i had more community
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seeing people my age talk about how scared they are of memory loss, which they only associate with old age, is so surreal to see as a 24 year old who has actively experienced memory loss for a long time now
there are causes for memory loss besides dementia and alzheimer’s, i hope y’all know that. dissociative disorders, trauma, brain injuries, thyroid problems, even just stress and lack of sleep can fuck up your ability to store, process, and access memory. and that’s just a few of the many causes i can think of off the top of my head right now.
please stop treating disabled people like some scary “other” that you might become only in the distant, decades-away future. we are your age, too. you may become one of us sooner than you know. stop acting like memory loss marks the end of a life, when so many of us have so much living left to do!
#diary#memory loss#memory disorder#dementia#alzheimers#dissociative disorder#dissociative amnesia#dissociation#dissociative identity disorder#trauma#brain injury#memory#amnesia#actually dissociative#complex dissociative disorder#osddid#osdd system#dissociative system#other specified dissociative disorder#did system
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Update on my mental health: I am doing better! Just in case anyone read those concerning posts the past few weeks and was worried.
I have kinda long-winded advice sorta shit under the cut if you are thinking of top surgery but know you don’t deal w/ change well, or have got it but are wondering why you still feel like shit weeks later when everyone else seems to feel better. And then some more rambling in the tags if you’re into that sorta thing.
Oh boy it’s long under the cut… Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Some advice: if you have a hard time w/ big change, small change, any kind of change. Be prepared to have a hard time w/ top surgery recovery. The general consensus if you research it is that post-op depression is over by abt the fourth week, and that is actually deemed late by some sources. Many said the second or third week. If you are starting to feel worse after that point it does not mean you made a mistake! Don’t panic!
Even though I wrote several notes to myself before the procedure explaining that I did in fact want this, and I know I am bad w/ change, that did not help me when I was in the pits of a doom spiral. I’m ngl that was genuinely the worst I’ve been mentally in years. I had to ring a suicide hotline at one point because I thought I’d lost the point of life. Talk to someone you trust abt how you’re feeling. I just straight up sobbed into my mum’s shoulder abt how I didn’t understand anything anymore and I was terrified I’d made a mistake getting surgery. She talked me through it and reminded me that I’d wanted this for years, that I didn’t go outside w/out a binder on, etc. She reminded me that everyone deals w/ things at different times, just because most ppl feel perfectly fine by the one month mark it doesn’t mean I would. Then after that I just hung out w/ her. The day after that we went and did some chores outside the house. A little time outside is often a good idea, I do regret to inform you.
I’m not gonna say I’m all fixed and perfect now. I’m still low energy and back to hiding in my baggy hoodies (now I can get them on again yippee!!!) but I’m not pushing myself rn. And I wish I had some good advice other than idk have a good system of loved-ones. If you have a therapist talk to them. Don’t be like me and bottle shit up. I’m so good at bottling shit up that I do not notice smthn is getting bad until I’m at the very bottom of the fucking doom spiral and I look up and see how far I fell down it lmao.
I wrote a whole diff paragraph but deleted it. Better version though is just try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Surgery is exhausting, and feeling burned-out even after a month isn’t smthn to be ashamed of. Just focus on keeping yourself sane. If possible take it easy, do things half-assed and low-effort for a while if you can get away w/ it. Just while you mentally catch up to your new stuff.
For some ppl top surgery “fixes” all their problems, but for most it does not. Whatever mental or physical problems you had before surgery, you will still have. Now, my surgeon literally told me surgery would not fix everything. I knew this before going into this, before I even had my first conversation with him, and I still had a bad fucking time mentally. So don’t expect to feel perfect. I was in a weird surreal bubble for the first like 3(?) weeks where I was just physically recovering before my head fucking lost it.
I don’t wanna put anyone off, and tbh worrying abt how bad you’re gonna feel can be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just wanna say that it can get rough. But if it does, you are not alone!!! You’ve not ruined your life, it’s not the end of the world, you still have something to live for. Keep pushing through, take it slow, talk to someone you trust. Try to do things that comfort you and help you feel safe. You’re gonna get through it.
Idk man I just wanted to share my experience on this. Because in my frantic research from the bottom of the pit all I could see were smiling faces saying they felt the best they’d ever felt in their life. It was euphoria all day every day. And the only ppl who weren’t feeling perfect were the ppl unhappy w/ their results. But the thing is I love my results, everything looks as expected. It’s literally how I drew it lmao, couldn’t have gone better. Not to brag sorry. But the point was, nothing was wrong physically. The majority of the physical healing was done, but my brain hadn’t been healing at all during that time. It was just putting itself to the side while the body did it’s thing. And when even proper medical sources are saying that ppl usually start to feel mentally better after the fourth week, and I was actually starting to feel shitty by that point, it rlly made me worry smthn was wrong. I was frantically trying to blame something for what I was feeling. And it was likely a whole mess of shit, with the main culprit being my inability to process change. Dude I freak out when a loved-one gets a tattoo or a piercing or changes their fucking hair. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. It stresses me out. And although I always get over it eventually, I should’ve known that this was gonna happen. After those early weeks of the itchy haze, I totally should’ve known a mental spiral was on the horizon. But I was just so lost in the sauce that was the whole experience.
I would not change the experience of top surgery for the world. I only wish I’d been more prepared for the dive my mental health would take so late in the game. I expected post-op depression. But as I said that’s usually only in the first couple of weeks. So when it didn’t happen I thought I was okay. But oooooo boy. I forgot how slow my brain is at processing shit. And hey, if I did “make a mistake” in getting my tits chopped off. If in the future I’m like “Hey I’m a woman now!” then so fucking what. There are titless women out there, and they’re no less woman than a woman w/ tits so big they break her back. Life is for living so fucking do that. I’ve not butchered or ruined my body even if my gender does change in the future. Get rekt transphobes.
ANYWAY… I think I’ve rambled enough. If I remember smthn I’ll prob add it in a RB cos this post is already long enough now. Thank fuck for the “read more” function. So I can hide all my stupid mushy shit under here and not clog up someone’s dash. Yippee!!
#shut up ray#after four days in a row of crying and doom spiraling and feeling like an alien in a strangers body whilst also lost at sea#i finally fucking talked to my mum abt how i’d been feeling#i think i was overwhelmed#thats the short version of it#im not gonna go into every individual piece of that fucking nightmare jenga tower#but boy did it topple quite spectacularly#suffice to say i do not regret top surgery#IBS still sucks ass but im not ready to kms over it just yet#and i do actually still have shit to live for#change is fucking terrifying#its also scary when you’ve been looking forward to getting smthn for YEARS#youve been single-mindedly fixated on getting this thing for abt a year#unable to think abt mucn else as you prep for it#then you get it and youre sorta still in that surreal haze while your body heals#after that though its like ‘wtf so i do now???’#i was feeling a LOT of that#and it rlly hurt tbh#id been so focused on getting top surgery i couldnt think of anything else i wanted in life#i thought ‘welp… thats it i guess’#its not tho is the thing#im only 23 lmao there is so much i can still do#even w/ a chronic illness its not the end of the world#i do feel like i need to look into getting checked for some other mental problems but ehhhhh#i dont have the energy#okay even the main post got WAY longer than i though it would….#hope it helps someone?#it is now 1 in the morning and I’m still writing this aslsjkdsjdh
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