#it’s just like really. complex in a way that NECESSITATES thought about it

[thecommunityoftrustworthysinks]

one of the most striking things about black sails is how LITTLE “characters i like” and “characters i agree with” actually correlate with each other, and how much that changes over the course of the show

[meanbossart]

Hi RJ, I deeply deeply love your art, your style is amazing and your Astarion is one of my favourite renditions. Thank you so much.

I would like to ask you a rather specific question about your process, if you’re alright with that.

What thought process goes behind choosing a color for your lights and shadows? How do you do it?

I think you’re a master in creating a mood with light and the colors you choose really make DU Drow look like himself (true drow skin, just like i imagined it before ever picking up non-table top version of anything d&d!!) and gives your astarion this gremlin-like soft ugliness lol

Anyway, take care and thank you for any tips xx

Thank you so much! Colorful art is kind of a "new" thing for me, I used to do mostly black & white for comics and such. When I got into BG3 and decided to wanted to draw all these silly ideas out, I realized I was gonna have to venture back into it - It's far too colorful a world to get away with grays and inks alone.

What I'm saying is that I'm still very much learning! I'm glad you guys like my art but I definitely feel like my grasp on color isn't all it could be. I just do what I think looks good and makes sense with the setting!

First of all I think it's important to note that I usually have several different layers of shadow and light. FOR EXAMPLE:

AND THEN FOR LIGHTS... Each text color is a different layer, and that's not even all of them 😂

And the reason for keeping them separate is this: when first painting them on, I make a rough guess on the color, AND THEN-

Yup. I just fuck around with this until I'm happy.

Usually this lands me on (very muted) blueish or purple-y tones for shadows on a multiply layer, with the "base" shadow and for the lights it can be all matter of colors depending on necessity. You can also select your flats and individually change these colors per-surface. You learn what you like as you go! This isn't even a rock solid formula, I still experiment a lot and depending on the piece, the process can be both a lot simpler or a lot more complex than this.

A rule of thumb to start with is that natural light will usually constitute of gray shadows and very, very soft-yellow light - if there is even a need for any depending on your base colors/style. Night settings usually necessitate a slight blue hue on both shadows and light... However, this is art baby, do whatever makes you go "oh that's sick" when you look at it.

As for DU drow's skin, it is nothing but a mix of a grayish/brown base, shadow, and a reflective light! That's what sets him apart from the way I color light-skinned characters; light, when bouncing off his skin, usually (but not always) has a gem-like blue color. You can have all kinds of variations of this combo to give the skin on darker characters more depth.

[chubunited]

Is it just me or is it hard for other people to create fetish material (even if it’s just for their own personal viewing) without creating a world and narrative that would necessitate the conditions presented in the art/writing? Because I feel like I need to make some complex fantasy project (which I do enjoy, very much) when I think about making my oc’s absurdly fat.

I’m just curious about the thought process of others. I just really like worldbuilding.

ngl part of the fun for me is expressing character motivations and exploring my own relationship to kink material that way. So, because I have complex feelings about it, I want the way I express that to be complex and detailed too! I dont necessarily feel I *need* to do this, but it adds another layer of fun when I want it to.

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

If it were up to you how would you change the Hunger game’s story to make it more cohesive?

I don’t have a ton of opinions because the core premise is just kind of silly to me. If the point is a government forcing its children to fight to the death over food rations then I simply would not focus on the pretty dresses or the protagonist making eyes at a love interest for cameras. But then that would drastically alter the series identity. So I don’t think that’s necessarily fair as a way to approach reworking the books

So with the understanding that I think the base idea and execution is flawed, my strongest opinion is that Catching Fire needed to be about Katniss participating as a mentor and essentially being forced to be complicit in the games. Putting her back in the arena feels like a major cop out, when according to the books’ own rules that never happens! I could live with her refusing to kill anyone in the first book. I think that made a lot of sense, and the penultimate moment with her and Peeta threatening suicide was basically what the entire book hinged on

But past that, if there are going to be more books, then she needs to get her hands dirty. And I think getting into the wheeling and dealing of the Capital would be an interesting way to do that. We could basically still meet all the same victors as mentors instead and get actually meaningful looks into their lives outside of the arena. And forcing Katniss into situations where she cannot rely on scowling or being the subject of the pageantry could be really interesting. I want to see the moral crisis of what she’s willing to do to keep her tribute(s) alive and how that will actually necessitate the deaths of others— until maybe The Plan is introduced to her. Much fucking earlier than in canon lol

The Great Info Dump Of Doom after the plot twist is just so staggeringly fucking incompetent and handled in such a bad way. I cannot believe Collins ever got away with that. Her sense of pacing and structure is genuinely just absolute garbage, idk look at Mockingjay and how Katniss’ disastrous side mission accomplished literally nothing narratively aside from shock value deaths to teach us that… idk no one is safe or whatever? I truly think Collins just needed to give Katniss something to do and just jammed that in. But that’s a tangent. Anyway Catching Fire just being entirely different to avoid that massive info dump would be great. Maybe Katniss can actually be in on fucking anything before it happens

Mockingjay was like mostly fine for the first half and then… yeah it devolved. I don’t have many thoughts on how to fix it beyond a) nix the dumb Katniss mission b) don’t tradwife her???

Worth noting, I did think Coin being awful as well and Prim dying were good beats actually. I think the former simply made a lot of sense given Thirteen’s refusal to help anyone else thus far/what it takes to successfully be in power. And exploring moral complexities in revolution is fine

But with the way the narrative completely discards Gale as a radical, while Peeta deserves to be deprogrammed, and Katniss gets tradwifed in a way that surreptitiously basically affirms Snow’s values (when all his plot contribution is basically being ridiculously over invested in forcing traditional femininity on her!) that adds up to something extremely weird in quietly thematically siding with the Capital

And yeah my answer is… simply do not do that? It is not very hard! Resolve it in any other number of ways! Primarily, like I said in my other post about the ending, I would like the resolution to focus on Katniss as herself a child. If we’re making a point of Panem’s children having a future now, that could and should focus on her? She has been forced into the role of unwilling caregiver from the very beginning. What better way to show that the children are no longer in danger than show her having the opportunity to heal and rest, and have the luxury to rely on other people? Anyway I think it should end with her decidedly not married, going to school, and like idk maintaining a hobby garden at home with some Meaningful primrose

[theamityelf]

You made a post a while back on the Hajime and Makoto being boyfriends and the reserve course students thinking Hajime is going to end up dead sooner or later but in he's also batshit crazy. PLEASE! I need to see more instances of this.

Also works for another post you did with Komahinaegi with Hajime being overly prepared. Imagine if one day Nagito's luck somehow caused a very complex machine to malfunction and everyone is running but Hajime just walks up and deactivate it with ease before it can do serious damage, everyone is confused asf and he's just like "Eh, another thursday." Or him coming in to save Makoto from life threatening situations and shrugging it off with his classmates thinking he's an Ultimate in disguise. Was it dangerous? Yes! Should no sane person attempt to do that? Nope! Would he do it again? Abso-fucking-lutely, no hesitation either!

Ah, thank you for this! Yeah, I love this dynamic for them.

My first thoughts, for this:

A fire or similar disaster befalls the main course building, necessitating an evacuation. Hajime sees that Makoto is missing from his class and runs into the building to find him. The entire school sees a reserve course student run into the flaming main course building and shortly trudge out carrying an injured luckster.

One of Makoto's (or one of his classmates') homework sheets blows away and winds up caught in one of Kazuichi's (unattended) machines. Makoto reaches into the machine to get it out, and his arm ends up stuck, and everyone is like "Oh no, don't move, if that machine does anything right now you might lose an arm. Where's Kazuichi?" Hajime is already pulling olive oil or some similar lubricant out of his backpack with one hand and calling Kazuichi with the other hand. "Kaz? No, shut up, it happened again; you need to get over here and make sure this thing is inactive, before we pull him out. Yes, now! My free period ends in a few minutes and Makoto might lose an arm!" Hangs up and promptly reassures Makoto, "You're not going to lose an arm."

Hajime sees any kind of commotion outside his classroom window and gets up, like, "I have to go." Comes back to class a few minutes later, saying (in the strictly Hinaegi scenario) "False alarm; it was the other one." In the Komahinaegi scenario, his classmates try to guess which of his boyfriends was the problem based on how exasperated he looks.

Hajime has developed an awareness of his surroundings such that he pretty consistently says "Duck," anytime a projectile flies in their vicinity. Makoto's reaction time has not improved quite as much, so about fifty percent of the time it goes like, "Duck." "...Huh?" Whack. Frisbee or ball to the head. Hajime promptly pulls any spare rag or shirt out of his backpack, wets it with his water bottle, and directs Makoto to hold it to his head while he walks him to the clinic. "I'm okay, really." "No, you're going to see Mikan." (Sakakura sends them both a dirty look as they enter the building, which Makoto misses but Hajime doesn't, sending him a dirty look back.) But since Makoto doesn't always duck in time, Hajime takes to just yanking him out of the way of things.

Hajime gets sick and has to spend the day in bed. Makoto visits his room in the morning, to bring him food from the cafeteria and tell him to get well soon, and Hajime hands him a folded note, like, "Give this to Kirigiri. It's her job to cover luck shenanigans today. This should be everything she needs to know." "She will be offended that you think she needs a note." "Give it to her anyway; I'm not taking any chances. And tell Kuwata to take the day off, throwing stuff."

Anytime Hajime is called to the clinic for Makoto, the first word out of his mouth is, "Shoelace?" In fact, he periodically texts Makoto "Shoelace" throughout the day, just in case.

He knows a lot about fire safety. "No, you don't use water on an electrical fire! You don't use that, either! Move over..."

Someone in Hajime's class: Ow, papercut. Who has band-aids? Multpile classmates: Hajime has band-aids.

[thatgirl4815]

Ray's Feelings

Ray's process of falling in love with Sand has such nuance to it that I think gets horribly overshadowed by his actions alone, not their context. Yes, Ray mistreats Sand. Yes, Ray has a lot to apologize for. But I think Ray is a broken person who has a lot to apologize for because he's in a situation that he is grossly under-equipped, both mentally and emotionally, to handle.

@victorialovesstiles' post here includes a great discussion of the moment Ray becomes fully aware of Sand's feelings for him in Ep8. Up to this point, I don't think Ray tried to pin down exactly how he felt for Sand because the situation didn't necessitate it. He and Sand were "friends," and that label was always fine with Ray, until it wasn't enough anymore, until Sand couldn't put up with it. Looking back on all of this progression, I'd argue Ray has had feelings for Sand for as long as Sand has had feelings for him, but he hasn't been in a place to confront them the same way Sand has. It makes sense given that Sand is the one in the bad spot, watching Ray chase after Mew. If their situations had been reversed, I think Ray would've had to contend with his feelings much more directly much earlier.

Ray makes comments like this that point to the depth of his feelings, but he never truly vocalizes them outright until later in Ep9. Ray realizing how happy he is with Sand and admitting to that is the first step in the recognition of his true feelings, that he sees Sand as more than a good friend who takes care of him and just so happens to sleep with him.

Ray's feelings are strong, but they are also delicate, as demonstrated by the fight at Sand's apartment in Ep10. This dialogue in particular:

Ray thinks he deserves to be upset for having his emotions played with, which says more than anything how much Ep9 meant to him. It's also important in the context of money, because Ray's self-worth is so heavily influenced by what he can offer other people: if nothing else, he has always had his wealth to fall back on. And here is Sand claiming to love him, but all Ray can see is someone who accepted payment. Every conversation they’ve about the separation of feelings and money is being put into question.

At the end of Ep10, Ray echoes his dialogue in Ep8. I personally like that Ray makes a point of saying how happy he is with Sand; what stands out to me here is that Ray is confessing this to imaginary Sand, so he's technically only really admitting it to himself. He makes me happy and I keep screwing it up. He does care, and he's always cared, but I can't do anything but ruin it. I was made to ruin things. Those are all thoughts that seem to lay at the core of his dialogue at the end of Ep10.

I guess my main point here is that we witness Ray returning to this idea time and time again that when he's with Sand, he's truly happy. Sand sees beyond his problems, beyond the brokenness. Even with how complex their situation is, there's something so beautiful about that simplicity. Sand makes Ray happy. That’s what it’s always boiled down to.

"I know now that you want nothing from me" -> I have a feeling this entire speech from Ray is going to form a deeper trust between Ray and Sand. Ray knows now that Sand is true. He knows that he has overthought everything. The reason why Ray skews the situation with Sand is because Ray is so used to viewing himself in a negative light, but he was clinging to the hope that Sand didn't see him that way. Even when other characters insult Ray for his behavior (which isn't entirely undeserved), Sand was always there to explain why he was wrong, to encourage him to be better. When it's Sand, it's about growth, not just recognition.

The ending scene in Ep10 is such a catharsis because Ray is finally coming to terms with the fact that virtually all of the doubts and complexities surrounding his relationship with Sand were created by him. But Sand has always been true. Sand has always loved him. And now that he sees that, he knows just how important it is that he clings to that love and never lets it go.

[swaps55]

Hi! Sorry if you have already answered this somewhere, I love reading about your writing process for Opus and was wondering if you would talk about how you pick and choose which missions to assign Sam and Kaidan, like Kaidan taking on the Project Overlord mission? Also, lol, will Sam ever have the misfortune of driving a Hammerhead and how much would he hate it?

Hahahahaha, Sam would hate the Hammerhead so much. I will probably spare him that displeasure, given how much else he has to deal with.

This is such an awesome question; thank you so much for asking it, and I am so sorry this answer is probably far more involved than you were looking for.

Stories like Cantata, Fugue, and Kaidan's portion of Mezzo necessitated missions that weren't main plot for the trilogy. But since the codex is so rich and there are so many side missions across the three games, I made it an unwritten rule that I wouldn't make up a mission from thin air if I could help it. Instead I'd pull something from canon and twist it into a new shape. That put less pressure on me to invent something from scratch, and it meant fun Easter eggs for the reader.

This has taken different shapes. In Cantata, the mission where Sam experiences a blood sugar crash in mid-combat was going to be heavy on action, which meant a fairly elaborate "combat chess board." Designing a visual setting is one of my big weaknesses as a writer, so I set it on Benning because I could then use the ME3MP map as a template to craft the rest of the mission around.

The underwater mission Sam does on Proteus is what it is because the codex states that combat diving is part of the N program. I thought that was cool, and while perusing planets in the codex, the description for Proteus included an underwater colony. "Great!" I said to myself. "What if I broke it?"

Virtually every place the Yang Gang visits in Cantata is pulled straight from canon, as well as what they find there. It's something I'm pretty proud of.

(The big exception is the thresher maw on Sharjilla, which is pure artistic liberty, but I am beyond delighted that people have played that mission expecting to find one because of Cantata. At one point I had planned a really great joke where Sam nukes the thresher maw from orbit out of pure spite, so when they come back to Sharjila in ME1 and Kaidan mentions threshers, someone could go, "wait, there's thresher maws down there?!" and Sam would growl under his breath, "not anymore." But I couldn't fit it into Cantata, lol.)

As for all the side missions I've woven in, they provide a neat opportunity to spread the love. They are Shepard's responsibility in the games because Shepard is the player character, so the entire world revolves around them. In fic, I don't have that constraint, so I am free to take missions that have some good narrative potential and give them to other characters.

Side quests like Bring Down the Sky don't offer much to the canon plot, but for Opus it provided an opportunity for some pretty sharp character development while also advancing my reimagined plans for ME3.

In the case of Overlord, I loved the complexity it would add to something like Horizon: if Kaidan got a first hand glimpse at the terrible things Cerberus does right before discovering Shepard on Horizon, suddenly his distrust and anger take on new meaning.

Kasumi became Kaidan's partner in crime because the cast of ME2 is so dense that I went looking for ways to weed down the cast without having to just leave people out or inflict mass casualties. Kasumi's skillset as a thief never made sense to me for something like the suicide mission, but Kasumi herself is a delight. And like Kaidan, she has experienced the death of a partner. They seemed like such a natural fit for each other, and Keiji's role as a double agent with the Alliance also worked narratively in my favor: I got to use him to answer questions like, "how the hell does Cerberus get their hands on the Normandy design docs?"

Fugue also incorporates a few ME2 side missions that, again, just dovetailed nicely into what I was trying to do. Superimposing Keiji over the Cerberus agent in N7: Lost Operative just worked well for what I wanted to do, and N7: Imminent Ship Crash gave me a good segue into it, while also giving me the chance to explore how Kara and Aslany dealt with the loss of the 'Yang.

So how I choose what missions I use comes down to what I need for the story. I have a vague idea of what I need to accomplish, then look for a side mission or DLC that can help me get there. The Hammerhead DLC missions are utterly terrible to play, but there is just enough of an interesting story to them that I was able to weave something useful to future Opus plans while also letting Kaidan grow into his role as a leader.

The DLC and side missions are really fun to work with, and one of my favorite parts of Opus, even if I almost went bald tearing my hear out over N7: Imminent Ship Crash. XD

[flownwrong]

one more writing tag game!

thank you @zmediaoutlet, really appreciate the tag! <333 i haven't written in a while due to questionable irl circumstances so it's nice to talk about it a bit, maybe claw my way back to the wips :)

1. How many works on AO3?

15! not great, not terrible

2. Total AO3 Word Count?

34,796 (a bit embarrassing for four years of intermittent writing, lol)

3. Top 5 fics by Kudos?

double exposure (no wonder, an event fic with marvellous @tgtbata's art!)

any weight beyond your own (i think it was also some kind of event? but i'm too scared to open it and check haha; first real attempt at a fic after some teenage dabbling, really)

never really opting in (huh! how did it end up so high?)

perpetuum mobile (which i'm quite proud of, so yays!)

and you shall receive (which i'm just as proud of, double yays!)

4. What fandoms do you write for?

mmm, due south and spn are the top two by count, but i dunno when any spn stuff i have is getting finished! (hopefully when and not if is applicable here haha)

i also have one fic for MASH, True Detective and Star Trek Discovery (oh god lol) each. if i'm brave enough, one day my other TD wip is getting finished, but after that I'm done with it — i feel too reverent of the canon, lol.

5. Do you respond to comments?

always! how could i not <3 appreciate every one!

6. Angstiest Ending?

mmm. I don't really have any of those, although I do have an almost finished resdogs fic up next that would have one, necessitated by canon. out of those I have, it's probably hold till better times, per the unrequited premise. tallahassee, cynosure and over / for technically fit the definition, but they're all too short to have endings per se, and all of them are inevitably hopeful, again, per the following canon, so.

7. Fic with the Happiest Ending?

perpetuum mobile probably has the most syrupy sweet one, as do all of my other due south non-ficlets, but i'd argue negating, repeating is the happiest of them all in spirit — newsom's namesake song didn't lie about that joy of life!

8. Do you get hate?

i'm not known enough for it, which is a situation i'm very content with!

9. Do you write smut?

i try my best!

10. Do you write crossovers?

i have one in the works i'm pretty excited about, but usually they're very hard to justify for me :)

11. Ever had a fic stolen?

as with hate — not known enough for it, and pleased with that :)

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope, but i hope it's yet :) i'd be delirious with excitement if that ever happened!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

nope, and it's hard to imagine how that would work... but i would love to try, if there was a writer in the circle i trust who's not my superior by a million points :')

14. All time favourite ship?

um, Fraser/Kowalski, i think! can't help thinking I'm still too young to know, lol. but fairly sure these two will haunt me the longest.

15. WIPs you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

all of them, lol most of my unfinished wips are this way bc i realised i lack skill to finish them, not because i lost interest, even if i stepped away from a fandom. i look at them longingly often enough and try to practice so i can come back :) but no, that one red meat coda i started early into my spn obsession is likely staying that way or at least becoming a ship of theseus bc the idea was shit.

16. Writing Strengths?

uh. voices, probably? i'm not too satisfied with them, but it's what i feel most confident about, anyway. kind @petymology told me my romance and sex dynamics never feel like they're retreading same old steps and feel complex, and many other kind people told me my prose is very sharp at times, so i choose to believe that as well :)

17. Writing Weaknesses?

plot, but also many many other things i lack practice for. i struggle with scene/summary balance, rhythm, flow and pacing, dialogue, fleshing out images... but i think i am getting better at most of these with every work :)

18. Thoughts on mixed language dialogue?

love when it comes up meaningfully! if i ever have a reason to use german in fic, i could probably do it believably. i think.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

jesus... sailor moon? i think? i lost my old hard drive and can't check if there was something else i forgot!

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

as z said before me, usually the most recent one. otherwise, it's a draw between negating, repeating and and you shall receive — both i stumbled into by pure inspiration which held back my insecurities and allowed me to give them my all.

i'd love to hear more from @gueule, @petymology, @rightspocko (or did you do this one already? idr!), @feroxargentea and @redmyeyes!

[qpjianghu]

Do u have any thoughts on the writing of Shan Gudao? I think earlier on in the series I was pretty excited that maybe Li Xiangyi really did , through his own hubris and difference in the way of seeing the world drove a wedge between him and his brother. Even after he was revealed to be alive I kinda wished he became ‘evil’ through a complex set of emotions and circumstances. I’m not saying SGD is completely 2D I just wonder if we could have had a more of a ‘Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian drifting apart (ie; not pure inferiority complex)’ style tragic slant. Li Xiangyi truly #did nothing wrong, but I kinda wish he was a little #more wrong.

Anyway, I’m sure SGD is still thematically very coherent, but is there anything you’d change/ponder changing about his storyline with LXY, or just your thoughts about this topic.

This is a great callout @lei-llustrations!! The short answer is that I agree, and if I had one criticism of the writing in Mysterious Lotus Casebook it would be this. Jiang Cheng is an excellent example of a protagonist foil with more internal complexity, and Shan Gudao is definitely very one-note. I wonder if part of it is the performance -- Jiang Cheng always projects this sort of buttoned-up rage, whereas Shan Gudao's jealousy presents itself as sadistic glee, which is just not as relatable (and believable) an emotion.

But at the end of the day I still enjoy the character of Shan Gudao as exactly what you said, OP -- a thematically coherent foil even if he's not a realistically coherent person. Because of MLC's overarching exploration of meta-narratives, I think his character works as a performance of villainy -- and maybe it even works better because it's so over-the-top and slightly divorced from reality. In fact, it's interesting to see the shift in the character of Li Lianhua after Shan Gudao's treachery is revealed, and specfically after Shan Gudao outs him as Li Xiangyi in front of all of Tianji Hall in episode 33: Li Lianhua suddenly transforms into the badass hero everyone imagines Li Xiangyi to be. You can actually literally see the change in his eyes from world-weary to steely when it happens:

(Cheng Yi, you are a marvel)

Or, I should say: When he decides to make that shift. Shan Gudao's grandiose display against Tianji Hall, and his specific call to arms against Li Lianhua, necessitates a turning point for LLH: Now that he's been exposed, will he once again take up the mantle of the heroic Sect Leader Li Xiangyi?

In this moment, he does, but by this point in the show we know that it's just a performance. However, at the end of the day, Li Lianhua still has a kind heart, so he reluctantly puts on the mask of the hero Li Xiangyi in order to save the people of Tianji Hall. As Shan Gudao pontificates about the show's MacGuffin, Li Lianhua agrees to stage the hero/villain performance with him. It even looks like he's literally stepping out onto a stage when he separates himself from the crowd to confront Shan Gudao and his army:

The scene is badass and triumphant... but it's also, on rewatch, devastating and tragic -- because it marks the moment where Li Lianhua seemingly becomes fatalistically trapped by the narrative he's been so desperately trying to escape. (And that's why I love love LOVE @redemption-revenge's post about Li Lianhua finally escaping the narrative at the end! Importantly in a "bonus" episode, which is... not a "literal" part of the show itself. ;)) Since Shan Gudao is performing as a paragon of villainy, Li Lianhua / Li Xiangyi must rise to meet him. (Yin and yang, in a sense.) And that's why Li Lianhua becomes so fixated on vanquishing Shan Gudao for the remainder of the show, though it feels quite out of character for him -- it's so like a prototypical hero. Shan Gudao's performance of villainy necessitates Li Lianhua's equal and opposite performance of heroism.

Which is so interesting and juicy!!!! because of Li Lianhua's series-long internal struggle trying to escape the hero narrative so many characters try to fit him into. (As @redemption-revenge also talked about here -- clearly we're brainrotting on the same wavelength lol.) In a weird way, I feel like the overall lack of nuance in Shan Gudao's performance of villainy actually allows for even more shades of grey in Li Lianhua's character. Not only does he have to reckon with in-world conflicts and consequences, but he's sort of engaging with the meta-narrative as well: can he escape the narrative that the other characters around him and also the show itself is trying to thrust upon him?

As a potentially controversial aside, this is why I actually loved the Nanyin royal blood reveal. It's so dumb and cheesy and predictable and part of the traditional hero narrative (maybe I'm looking at this through a very American "rags-to-riches" narrative lens, but bear with me here) -- but that's the point, according to the meta-narrative. Our reaction as viewers is also Li Lianhua's reaction. For Li Lianhua, this is the exact opposite of a gratifying, triumphant, and redemptive moment. I haven't gotten up to this in my rewatch yet, so I don't have have specific visuals in mind, but I do remember even from my first viewing the look of utter devastation and resignation of Li Lianhua's face in this scene. It marks the final nail in the coffin of Li Lianhua trying to escape the narrative. Like in epsiode 33 when his identity is finally revealed, Li Lianhua once again resigns himself to following the script of the traditional narrative, which is how/why he ends up heroically sacrificing himself for Fang Duobing and his family.

But anyway, back to Shan Gudao as an effective foil: In addition to serving a purpose for the meta-narrative, I also think Shan Gudao's one-dimensionality also works well with Li Lianhua's internal conflict regarding his feelings of guilt and self-blame. You're right, OP: I wish there was a bit more actual blame to lay on LXY -- though I think we can still blame him for being arrogant (to borrow the loaded iqiyi subtitle term) since he was clearly blind to his shixiong's real feelings, and blind to the feelings of those around him as well (including Qiao Wanmian). Though even if you take the track of Li Xiangyi truly never did anything wrong in his life ever (*heart emoji*), this makes his arc even more tragic. This is why I love him so freakin' much -- he feels less like a character and more like a real flesh-and-blood person. And the reason he feels so real is because he acts in ways that are often contradictory and self-sabotaging and illogical, because he's decidedly not following the traditional (heteronormative hero narrative) script. Even when there is a Grade-A villain right there in front of him to take all of the blame, Li Lianhua doesn't take the bait. He has a prime opportunity to look at Shan Gudao and come to the logical conclusion that he (LXY/LLH) actually did nothing wrong, that he's not to blame for any of the terrible things that have happened to him and to others in his name... but he doesn't take the out. He still refuses to forgive himself, he still internalizes all of the guilt, he is not suddenly "cured" from his trauma. He is so real for that, and it's gut-wrenching.

[bolognamayhem117]

Title: Rat-holed Memories.

Length: 4500 words

POV: Astarion

Pairing: Astarion/M!Elf!Tav(Rorik), rogue/paladin

Rating: MATURE 18+

Themes: mlm, consent, clarity of expectations, dissociation, manipulation, setting boundaries, light erotica, internal conflict.

Content Warnings: References to rape, incest, broken family dynamics, murder, slavery, mild knife play, anger, emotional outbursts.

Author notes: First and foremost, I created this character on my first playthrough after Robert and I bought the game a year ago. I picked up the controller with zero knowledge of the game's contents after being told you could play as a vampire. I said "That's bold of the developer, fuck it, I'll make Rorik's dumb ass and Smegol my way through the forgotten realms or whatever..." Turns out the person who told me that was referencing the Astarion Origin playthrough. I said "Screw It I'm Doing It Anyway! With the power of IMAGINATION." To my delight and surprise it really wasn't all that hard to use paladin spells, items, scroll hoarding, and armor to very closely model the homebrew build of Rorik the Degenerate Dhampir Sun Worshipping Paladin. He has his own issues which this ficlet hints at. He's cringe, be gentle.

@ghostkingart wrote a post desiring that the fandom wrote more fic about Astarion being denied intimacy due to concerns about intent and whether he's actually in the headspace to do so, with emphasis on his canon tendancy to go somewhere "a million realms away". I thought I could oblige. Digging in my docs for inspiration revealed that I'd basically already written this exact piece, give or take a few details. Decided to put on the Big Boy pants and be brave enough to post this.

I think healing is going to be messy for him. He's a big personality and these are some big complex feelings for a man who's been on the world's shortest leash for 200 years and also has had to solve every problem with either his body or a blade.

This fic also heavily implies that some healing and learning has already taken place so bear with me. Enjoy

“I don't know. It's veiled from me… I can't remember that clearly. Just. Parts… I think so.” Rorik told Astarion.

"Nothing? You remember nothing of circumstance or even who delegated to you at all?” Astarion scoffed and crossed his arms.

Astarion had been warned that some questions he might have may not have much of an answer, for Rorik was good at burying memories too sharp to hold. Knowing of the predilection toward purposeful forgetfulness didn't make this conversation any less frustrating. He wanted to know if Rorik had ever been sent to Baldur's Gate on loan, as Rainar often ordered him to do if a nobleman or another vampire lord bid high enough. He said he'd been to the city during that time, but maintained that he couldn't remember why.

“You want to know if Cazador ever paid Rainar to have someone vanish, don't you?” Rorik asked a new question rather than answer one they both knew the answer to.

“You told me the name Cazador Szarr was familiar, once.” Astarion probed.

“It is.”

“Then you should understand why that would concern me.”

"I do.” Rorik assured him with a single nod as he half-dozed, sprawled on his back.

Silence fell upon them as they lay still but restless in Astarion's slightly tidier than usual tent. Fitting two bedrolls in it necessitated some level of order. Frankly, Astarion hid the trash and used glassware behind his temporary abode. Rorik probably knew where the mess was, but said nothing.

“What would you say if you found out tomorrow that we passed like ships in the night long ago? What would it change?” Rorik inquired, appearing curious toward the demeanor of the bees in Astarion's bonnet.

“I'd ask what Cazador would have paid to have you do. I have to lay there, every damn night, wondering if that bastard sent the Gur down the street where I lost everything. It could just as easily have been you.” Astarion explained irritably. Sometimes Astarion felt like he had to spoon feed Rorik his thoughts. He should be able to string together the pieces by now.

"I have an opinion, Astarion, but it might not be a thought you want reinforced.” Rorik offered with a warning.

“give it.”

The dhampir spoke as if reading off law rather than opinion, the gravity of his tone leaving little room for argument. “Vampires are known to stalk a target for days. You should know, to a point. But lords, or true vampires, looking to create spawn for their own uses are different. They assign much, although sometimes arbitrary or even nonsensical, ritual to their pursuit. I'm certain, if he didn't send the Gur himself, he was already watching your every move for months.”

“...You're telling me he was inevitable.” Astarion muttered with venom and a curl of his upper lip.

“...I'm saying: vampire lords aren't spontaneous.” Rorik clarified.

“Well, all I'm saying is: you're missing my point. I wish you remembered. So I could be sure.” Astarion complained with a flick of his hands in the air above them.

“If it reassures you at all, I know for a fact that Cazador didn't send me. I'd have proper fucking killed you too completely to bring back.” Rorik abruptly stated.

“What!? Exactly what makes you so sure of that.” Astarion spat.

“Beating the guts out of a magistrate but not enough that a vampire cannot turn him sounds like a miserably delicate chore… I was never bought for things like that. I'm too heavy handed.” Rorik asserted bluntly.

In mostly mock hurt, Astarion went on the defensive. “No, I mean: what in the hells makes you think I was an easy mark?”

“Hmm? How much do you weigh?”

“Eh?”

Rorik sat erect to turn and loom over Astarion, arms caging the other as he held himself up with palms pressed flat to the floor by each of the elf’s shoulders.

He huffed through a smile full of sabers, he was about to tease, “Couple sacks of grain, if you were soaking wet, I’d guess. I could toss you over my shoulder and run up a hill without losing my breath. I imagine you wielded a quill and inkpot then. The sharpest thing in your arsenal might've been a letter opener.”

How dare this often bald cunt of a man wear that disgustingly smug grin, smear insults, and manage to be bizarrely charming all the while?

“Wrong,” Astarion rebutted, “men of Baldur's Gate are required starting at age nine to learn archery, and it is short sighted for an individual of my former station not to be prepared for scorned citizens challenging him to a duel over an unfavorable ruling. You would've bitten off more than you thought.” Astarion stubbornly asserted, completely guessing although he wouldn't admit that. He had no idea what he used to do in his spare time as a mortal, or where he lived, or even what his favorite food used to be…

“Hmm, you make a good argument, sure. But your hands wouldn't have known much hardship. Could they have fended off these ragged mits?” Rorik's right hand slid against the reed mat until fingertips found Astarion's elbow, from there encircling his forearm and following its shape until he met a wrist, then the hand he meant to squeeze.

Rorik's hands were square in their shapes, knuckles scarred until the skin remained thick and rough, crooked fingers from many breaks, and strange knots of bone that betrayed how many times he'd fractured his dominant hand as he gripped his sword and struck a shield or armor rather than flesh and bone. Astarion could feel every callus like a knot under the skin of Rorik's leathery palm. Their textures were jagged and would pull runs in fine silk.

Such a gnarled paw might've repelled Astarion a month ago. His always empty guts used to twist at the touch of a victim with hands like these. Those nights and those marks did feel as though they pulled vicious runs in the silk of his skin.

Rorik was just, as per fucking usual, the one outlier. Terrible hands on him, but they squeezed his fingers carefully, they were almost warm, and their textures were becoming nuanced to Astarion's touch. He was starting to think, perhaps, if you queued up ten men of the sword, whose hands were all terrible, he could pick out Rorik's while blindfolded.

He brought Astarion's knuckles to his lips, dragging them across his cheek with a sigh that teased a quick flash of his maw of ruthless thorns.

Rorik's eyes flickered an uncanny glimmer from the candlestick glow, the eyes of a smitten predator fixed to Astarion's equally haunting gaze.

“So soft now, softer still long ago I bet, but not as soft as your eyes.” Rorik cooed down to him from behind a finger he selected to kiss.

It made Astarion's throat itch dryly to hear that. His thirst always doubled when Rorik spoke of his eyes.

The bastard grinned against his hand with too many teeth showing. Rorik's way of flirting and giving a compliment was very different from Astarion's well practiced methods. He was much too frank. Rough cut gems was what the rogue called these moments in the relative privacy of his thoughts. Rorik was getting too cocky, however, so strange charms couldn't go unpunished.

Astarion hooked a heel into Rorik's knee, kicking that load bearing joint out from under him and destabilizing him just enough that the edge of a palm clapped around his jaw easily pulled him over. This allowed Astarion to roll with him, reversing the pin. His dagger, kept tucked under his pillow, was gathered in the lightning swipe of searching fingers and brandished at Rorik's jugular.

And Rorik? He simply went limp and chuckled. The Jackass had offered no resistance and gone slack under him, hands thrown back in surrender. It offended Astarion to be allowed to win their grapple, but Rorik's implicit trust in spite of the blade threatening him always made Astarion ache somehow. The inveterate crank under him snapped his jaws at anything that pressed his boundaries, but never Astarion. Adorable Idiot. To be fair, Rorik knew that these jabs and tussles were only fun and games.

“I was not entirely defenseless, and certainly no guileless lamb. Besides, you were no different than a spaw- pardon, but you were under the complete control of Rainar. If you were ordered to destroy a man without outright killing him, you’d have no choice but to comply.”

“I think you'd remember me. I'm not something you'd mistake for Gur. Unlike some people, I shall not name them, I actually look like an undead wretch.” Rorik shook his head -foolish to do with a blade pressed near to skin- and laughed softly against the cold kiss of Astarion's dagger.

The way the apple of his throat bobbed under the razor edge could wring any vampire’s stomach with hunger.

“...True, but not quite so any longer.” Astarion dragged a finger led by a languid arm from Rorik's navel to the space under his chin.

He meant to tilt this face for a closer appraisal. Rorik's expression changed, glazing over as Astarion's thumb followed the shape of his lower lip.

“You've turned rather pink since we began this little jaunt,” Astarion reminded him.

Interesting creatures, dhampirs. One foot in the grave at all times and a hand clawing a stubborn grip on life. Apparently, if they've been behaving like their undead half they will look the part, but Astarion had yet to observe Rorik feeding. That abstinence from the sanguine was reflected in his freckled, peachy skin. He might've been a touch sunburned across the bridge of his nose and the tip of each notched ear.

Rorik gazed up at Astarion, eyes searching, questing about his shapes. He stared as though he were looking upon that sun god he claimed not to love. Silly beastly thing. Blindly devoted damn fool.

“...Would you let me kiss you?” Rorik breathed.

What could one more impossible moment hurt? Who knew when Rorik would wake up and realize Astarion had no precious light to offer him?

“Mm, just this once, darling,” Astarion hummed with lips pulling into a loose smile. It was his turn to tease.

Rorik waited so very patiently, licking his scar streaked lips with what could be perceived as lewd eagerness, but eyes wide and full of something else that called softly.

Astarion retracted the dagger, slowly, making a show of it as he held it away from their bodies. Then, Casually, as he leaned back and settled his weight over Roriks lap, he allowed the blade to slip from his fingers and pierce the mats and dirt below. He left it sticking there, at the ready, but easily forgotten as he pitched forward to claim his companion's delectable mouth.

Rorik had tried to lift himself to greet Astarion, but palms clapped over his shoulders sent him back to the floor with a hollow thud resonating from his chest. The dhampir let slip the faintest moan of approval as his jaws parted for Astarion, offering the warmth within and the taste of his nightly herb brew. His arms wove themselves all about high elf.

Rorik always squeezed, held, stroked the rogue. It briefly repulsed Astarion that first time, when Rorik held so tightly and explored him so earnestly, but that had changed. The paladin longed to be close. He didn't want Astarion's body, Rorik wanted Astarion. That came with its own new form of revulsion. How could Rorik's standards be so low that he actually wanted all of the filth under Astarion's perfect surface?

Astarion knew the answer to that. He winced silently and masked the upset by delving deeper into the pleasures of Rorik's gasping mouth the moment he was done stealing a breath.

The ex-wife, Zarla, must surely be why Rorik found Astarion an acceptable partner. Astarion himself had uttered the perfect analogy for it once before. When you're accustomed to drinking from the sewer, even plonk is a marked improvement.

Anything at all must be better than being forced to swallow every last drop of misery to survive a borderline incestuous arranged marriage to a complete and whole nightmare of a woman.

Rough fingers massaged up the back of Astarion's neck, soon cradling the back of his head. Rorik seemed to like playing in his hair, since he had none of his own until very recently.

The moment Astarion thought of it, he moved to push his fingers though that scant half-inch of strawberry blond. Rorik had still been shorn up top the last time they… But he'd thought about it, curling his fingers in it, gripping it so tight, using it to shove Rorik's keening face in the pillow to muffle him.

Once, it was their second late night encounter, Rorik had mewled things in a tongue Astarion didn't know, both betraying the wellspring of his faint accent and revealing his patron god. A heathen sun diety which pre-dated Lathandor. That night many moons ago, Astarion had delighted in watching the paladin slap both hands over his gaped jaws to keep that holy name out of his mouth while he behaved profanely.

All Astarion could think about was gripping that short ginger crown and pulling Rorik’s head up from a pillow to hear his name mingling with half formed prayer. Oh, the things which come unraveled from Rorik's disciplined tongue when Astarion fucked him were always delectable. There was something sinfully gratifying in defiling a holy man. It must be the same thing which kept Rorik coming back for more and more of Astarion. He must crave to be engulfed by the elf’s tainted touch, like an addict who craved the deadly bliss in his own destruction.

Astarion slipped his curious tongue between the split halves of Rorik's. Maybe after, he'd ask why the man had his tongue sliced. Could be a faith thing, or perhaps a fun story, but hopefully not another rat-holed memory from worse times. He set aside the thought and chose instead to be gratified in the way Rorik arched under him.

Rorik's hands curled in hair and slid down Astarion’s spine, but that left claw hesitated at his waistband and instead formed a self-restraining fist in the elf's untucked shirt. No, no, he wanted Rorik to go further. He wanted to give Rorik his hit of destroying bliss, keep him close, keep him asleep and unaware of how unfit his favorite “pain in the ass” was for him.

His guts were grinding acid at the wolves playing tug-o-war in his silent chest. Rorik aroused Astarion's dead flesh and dead heart, that was true, but it repulsed him that the only catharsis he could summon for that were the things he could do to Rorik's flesh to lure him closer. It made it feel like working one of his marks, the men and women who’d walk and blush at his side without knowing they were good as dead. This felt like raping himself and Rorik with a predatory false self.

Astarion wanted to sink through the floor into the dirt and become beetle shit, he wanted to make Rorik wail his name, and he wanted to drag all of the beauty in the world through the tar in his soul for revenge. He hated feeling it all at the same time, but most of all, his worm-holed brain screamed to keep Rorik in place, with him, blind to his truth but with him.

Gods, five minutes ago he'd accused Rorik of potentially being involved in his murder, then held him at knifepoint while the fool giggled at the game. It was only a matter of time before he saw it all for what it was. The flailing of some irreversibly ruined creature. But he could keep Rorik coming back...

I just need a little more. Stay a little longer. A few more moments to last me once you-

Astarion flattened himself to Rorik's sprawled body to let him feel the arousal he’d inspired. Putrid. Rorik's lips stretched open to drag in a much needed breath, face screwing up as his head fell back while he was ground upon. He submitted to the desire to crush Astarion closer. His arms would snap taut about Astarion so fast when he became overcome by desire. This yearning squeeze was the signal of victory for Astarion every time. He'd won. Rorik was his. He'd pushed him to the-

Rorik broke from the embrace of their lips and turned his face away, sucking down two great breaths between his words “Solan's tits… Astarion?... Astarion, Wait.”

Rorik's arms loosened from him, then carefully lifted away. He put them at his sides and flattened his hands against the reed mat in a calculated manner. Astarion's command over the situation had slipped away. He could feel warm breath heating his cheek and sense eyes trying to find his own. Astarion didn't meet the other's gaze, he couldn't because he didn't want to see Rorik's bloody concern. It was worse than the most depraved leer.

“What? Darling, you're souring the mood. Wouldn't you rather…” Astarion tried to put them back on course by laying a perfectly placed kiss at the space just under Rorik's right ear.

Predictably, the man shivered at that delicate affection and his hands clapped over Astarion's thighs to apply their crushing squeeze of approval. Gods, you're easy. Right back on the road, like recalling a loyal mutt gone sniffing too far ahea-

The thought nauseated him the moment it completed itself in his head, comparing Rorik to an animal to be commanded. The revulsion turning his stomach gave him pause, stopping him dead in the middle of suckling a decadently soft earlobe between his lips to hiss mournfully.

Rorik's hands pressed over the mound of each shoulder. He pushed slowly, putting space between them. Chaos erupted within Astarion like a crowd of men shouting over one another.

No! Not yet… Gods, thank you… Don't leave!?

Astarion was made to sit up with Rorik as he rose from the mat. He was then seated in the paladin's lap, but there was nothing titillating about it. Rorik's eyes bore through him like drill heads. His stare made Astarion feel naked when they were like that, stripped, but not erotically. He just saw him. Through him. Into him. He used to hate that and it still unnerved him, being seen.

“Astarion, let's talk about this first,” He spoke much too softly, like addressing a sniffling child. It made Astarion feel infantile.

“Talk? Why? Don't you want to forget where we are? For just a moment?” Astarion pivoted, sliding a palm over Rorik's cheek to hook his fingers over the back of his neck, bringing him close again.

If he kissed and nibbled just right, between the scars, Rorik would offer a feed. Bastard loved pain. Probably needed it to get off at this point. A bite would put a stop to this nonsense, all Astarion needed was permission. It was time to bring a sword to a knife fight.

“Ast-... Oh my….- wait, wait! No.” Rorik forced his hands between them again to put a foot of distance between his neck and Astarion's fangs.

Gods damn it. Astarion's stomach twisted, but not out of hunger, at the word no. A word he barely knew how to use. He couldn't ignore it. Rorik had refused him. He had to stop.

“Astarion, I don't-... I want to be told what you want. I don't want to guess. We agreed not to, I want to be sure this is really what you want.” Rorik told him, again too gently, and let his hands settle at either side of the other's waist.

“I would have thought I seemed damn sure of what I wanted eight seconds ago, but I'm starting to think you've gone and robbed me of even that!” Astarion swatted at Rorik's hands to banish them from his body and spat bitterly before he could think better of it.

He’d lost at his own game, all because he couldn't hold his disgust at bay anymore. Rorik must have sniffed it out. Bastard had ruined him. Taken away the one thing he truly was good at. Or good for.

Rorik said nothing and only looked at him, brows pinching and turning upward just as his eyes revealed his exhaustion. Astarion had to look away. It hurt. It was fucking agony to be looked at that way and see how lost Rorik appeared on what to do or say.

I'm projecting. Fuck.

No, Rorik knew exactly what he wanted to do. He'd wanted clarification on what Astarion wanted and expected and asked. Astarion on the other hand…

“I-... I don't know what I'm trying to do.” Astarion lied and told the truth at the same time. Felt disgusting, hiding intentions but admitting uncertainty in the same breath.

“What do you not want to do?” Rorik asked, but Astarion wasn't sure what to make of the phrasing.

Ah! Yes, a reference toward Astarion's lurid tendencies. Yes, he used to pretend to “want” just about anything to hook a mark and gain their implicit trust. Astarion's palm struck Rorik, albeit not as hard as he deserved, upon the cheek and jaw to shove him away. Bastard's hands clenched in his shirt on reflex, making escape more difficult than it should be. “The hells is that supposed to mean? Do I have to spell it out for you again?! I played the role of a prostitute. It was all lies and-”

“No no! I meant that: Sometimes it's easier to know what you don't want.” Rorik barely restrained a bellow as he rushed the words past the hand which muffled him. He continued, more mindful of his voice. “Which is. I don't know… Something to go on.”

Gods, Astarion loathed to do it, to let go of the misfired anger, but the wisdom Rorik spoke was sufficient. He felt foolish for the misunderstanding, too, and he burned with renewed anger and irritability. He knew one thing he didn't want, and it left him feeling that he appeared inordinately needy as he dropped his hands into his lap uselessly.

“I don't want to be alone… Tonight I mean. I don't want to be alone tonight.” Astarion admitted part of the problem, painfully.

“And I am happy to resolve that. Anything else you don't want?”

Astarion was reassured, a little. Trying to think about what he wanted was, indeed, fucking impossible. He was too shameful to admit that he was trying to pick up where he left off seducing Rorik for fear he would one day leave him in the absence of sex. Astarion tried to figure out how to tell enough of the truth not to hate himself.

“I don't want to… I don't want to hate it. Sleeping with you. I don't want sex. But I want it.” Astarion gripped Rorik's shoulders tightly and mimed jerking him close, but his eyes soon had to crush shut to hold back tears. “...But I can't. The thoughts, the loathing. It comes when I used to be able to just. Put myself away and do what I came to do.”

Rorik's hands covered the back of Astarion's fingers where they pressed red marks into his shoulders, pulling them down to be held tightly between their bodies. Thumbs stroked over his knuckles so tenderly. It was far more than Astarion felt he deserved.

Rorik kept his eyes on their entwined hands. “I understand, I think.”

“I don't… Want to treat you like a victim. But I don't want you to..-” he lost his words in his throat.

Rorik lifted Astarion's left hand to his lips, as he so often did. He was starting to wonder if the man had a hand fetish. “You can tell me anything, I swear that I'll try to understand. What don't you want me to do?”

Why are you good to me?

“I just. Don't want you to leave… Tonight.” Astarion wasn't ready to tell Rorik that he was waiting for him to wake up one morning jaded and too exhausted from this game to carry on playing it.

lips pressed to the inside of Astarion's wrist. “Then you have me until Sol calls me to prayer, and then you'll have me again if you wish it. And you may do, or not do, whatever you like with me... And changing your mind is perfectly legal."

That made Astarion's chest tight. Bastard was getting too good at quelling the storms in Astarion's head. It scared him, the possibility that Rorik could use that new talent to manipulate just as he'd been manipulated. Drag along the carrot of innocent affections. But, to gain what? Rorik had offered it countless times with almost no gain. He just didn't seem work the way Astarion did.

I don't deserve this.

At least, for now, Astarion knew what he wanted after a moment more watching Rorik tenderly worship his hand with a savage mouth. He longed for more of that specifically.

“Would you let me kiss you?” He parroted, then added after another moment of careful thought, “...I want that. With certainty. I want to kiss you until our lips bruise, actually,”

Rorik smiled in Astarion's favorite way. His head tipped to one side while a silent laugh left him through a grin which pressed his eyes closed.

“I could gladly piss away the whole night with that if you let me, you should be careful what you wish for,”

“Oh? You're dealing with a professional. I doubt you'd last ten minutes.” Astarion goaded.

“Sounds like grounds for a bet. Loser has to be the big spoon.” Rorik taunted back.

“Done,”

Arms clenched tight under Astarion's weight, scooping him under the rump to smash him close. Rorik slotted his face under Astarion's chin for a kiss at the join of his clavicle.

“Cheeky,”

“You never specified where I was to kiss you, care to offer further instruction?” Rorik murmured into his skin.

Smart bastard, “You're tricking me into setting boundaries again, aren't you?”

“Yep,” was Rorik's shameless, one syllable admission of guilt.

“Fine, nothing below the neck.”

“And not my ears, please.” Rorik added.

“... Because that gets you-”

“Unreasonably hot, yes.”

A kiss brushed under Astarion's left jaw as Rorik's arms relaxed to let him sink again. It made him shiver.

“So, we have an accord?” Astarion had to beg one more assurance just because he knew he'd be given it freely.

Lips pressed dryly over his own before he got his answer. “Yes,” he heard right before another peck landed right between his eyes, followed by a chuckle.

“This isn't exactly what I had in mind.” Astarion complained softly, unsure what to do with the squirmy, restless feeling in his core. Rorik was being too endearing. That's what got them into this mess. Fucker kept making him feel- well…. Making him feel.

“Then, I will require another round of your instruction on how, precisely, Mr. Ancunin wishes to be kissed?”

“Gladly.” Astarion promised.

[t00thpasteface]

I forgot if I've already asked you this question, but who is your number one favorite Fictional Antagonist from Media? Rules are as follows; feel free to ignore:

If you want to choose a recurring villain like Bowser or The Joker, you have to choose a particular incarnation of this character. Like Alan Moore's Joker or Paper Mario 64's Bowser.

Specific Characters/Entities Only. You can't say, "Haunted Houses that aren't haunted by, like, a single ghost or anything in particular" like my mom wanted to. She settled firmly on "The Overlook Hotel" and she's a stronger person for it.

Villainous Duos like Boris & Natasha are accepted.

People have a hard time picking a #1, so you're allowed to list as many runner-ups as you like. Listen to your heart.

Protagonists who are their own worst enemies don't count!

Villainous characters who are protagonists in their story are very begrudgingly accepted. Whether or not George Costanza (A Villainous Protagonist) or Detective Columbo (A Heroic Antagonist) count is beyond the scope of this paper.

Thank you for your time!

hmmmm!! that's a really interesting question to chew on actually.

i'm not usually drawn to villains or villain-driven stories, outside of games that necessitate it as a gameplay mechanic or genre staple a la mario games or your standard JRPGs. and i wouldn't call a glorified game mechanic a character if they really don't do much besides throw barrels at the player to jump over. porky and giygas are exceptions but honestly not much; they aren't very complicated characters, even though they're snappily written, and most of where they shine is just the fact that they're one well-placed load-bearing piece in a larger cohesive narrative. they don't really capture my attention outside of their gameplay role.

i'm overall much more compelled by Romantic with a capital R stories about internal, oftentimes more abstracted struggles. i mean, i don't have to tell you that my favorite books EVER are "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" and "The Great Gatsby," both of which play with deuteragonists as foils to the narrator that inevitably spiral and leave the reader with something of a thought exercise regarding the intersection of nature versus nurture, intent versus action, past versus future, et cetera. the characters themselves are symbolic of sociological concepts so much larger than themselves, and because of that, they can't truly be classified into "hero" or "villian", because the topics those books grapple with are so incredibly messy and morally-fuzzy that the characters who exemplify them must reflect that same complexity and nuance.

as soon as a story starts to veer towards "all our problems are caused by One Guy who we can remove from the equation forever," it usually loses me, or if nothing else it just makes me zone out when the villain and his evil army of doom is on screen until we're back to introspective character-building moments between the protags, deuterags, etc. i'm the boring guy who likes slow, dialogue-driven things more than flashy show tunes.

ALL THAT BEING SAID......

villains really only shine (for me) if they're funny as fuck. that's the one way they can really get my attention as a character that has, by definition, been written into a unilaterally negative role that must be booed. they get to be FUNNY! and they get to be my favorite kind of funny: insane slapstick funny. i like seeing cartoony villains get absolutely pulverized, thrown around like wet dishrags, set on fire, flung off cliffs, you name it. the zanier the better. so here's my own elite 4 in ascending order:

fourth is 2012 avengers movie Loki. very hammy, very showy, extremely puncheable face, and he takes SO much physical punishment and writhes like a worm the whole time. super fun.

third is pokemon's Archie. emerald is my favorite game but archie SHINES in alpha sapphire. he's such a huge personality and he takes hits with a smile. and then he gets a big fuzzy redemption at the end because this is a game for kids, but even that is so over-the-top cornball that i just laugh and smile the whole time instead of rolling my eyes. a good wholesome time was had by all.

second is Mr. Burns in the simpsons. let me preface this by saying i really don't watch anything after, ehhhh, i'd say season 8 or 9, because that's about where my box sets ended growing up. any episode where Mr. Burns gets some slapstick gags about his incredibly frail body that runs on pure evil is a good episode. i especially love "the springfield files," "homer the smithers," "homer at the bat," and "who shot mr burns" parts 1 and 2.

and my favorite is undoubtedly Sheldon J. Plankton. similar situation as simpsons; i don't watch anything after seasons 1-3 and the first movie. he commands every single scene he's in, which is especially impressive given that he's literally just a single tiny copepod. he's got the best villain laugh EVER. he's even a delight in the game "battle for bikini bottom"... you GOTTA check out BFBB Rehydrated if you like the spirit and snark of the early seasons. i love him in "walking small," "F.U.N.," "the algae's always greener," and of course, the movie. he's evil! he's diabolical!! he's LEMON SCENTED!!!!

[ratshrieks2]

Something I think about a lot that I rarely see other people talk about is how crucial it is to how the story unfolds that Coriolanus has lived in like a perpetual state of terror since childhood. Almost every harmful decision he makes in tbosas is fuelled by his sense of threat - one that isn't even totally irrational, like, he's right when he feels that the adults around him don't care all that much about his safety, he witnesses and is victimized by evidence of this throughout the book - and it's noticeable to me how often he does something catastrophically damaging in a moment of fear and then later be all like "oh oopsie I did not think that through but it'll probably be fine because [bunch of reasons he uses to reassure himself that he didn't really fuck up that bad] and also I was right because if I didn't do that it would be worse probably and also I would have died" like. That is not the thought process of a guy going out of his way to be Evil, that is a guy who reacts impulsively when he's freaked out and only stops to consider the consequences once he's out of the initial freak-out.

Fear is what makes him so paranoid. He sees everyone as a potential threat and has a profound lack of trust in other people, which is again informed by his life experiences and not necessarily always irrational. He reactively judges people negatively and assumes the worst because in his experience people are untrustworthy and acts of selflessness/kindness make you vulnerable to exploitation.

Like, his whole worldview is shaped by his awareness of how common abuse, harm and exploitation are and how he believes that he needs to be the one doing the manipulating and using in order to avoid being a victim himself. Ironically, this same fear and paranoia is exactly what makes him vulnerable to being groomed by Dr Gaul - another character with a distorted understanding of the world and other people that leads her to believe that without harsh, cruel and authoritarian leadership society will collapse, and she goes out of her way to nurture the same outlook in Coriolanus as soon as he catches her attention.

My understanding of Coriolanus Snow is that, above all else, he's oriented to safety-seeking. Unfortunately he often is put in situations where he feels (and isn't always wrong about it) his personal safety necessitates harm to others (like going into the arena and killing a tribute, killing Mayfair, arguably even the whole Sejanus situation) and Dr Gaul teaches him that this harm is justified because that's just how the world is - people hurt each other and use each other and you just need to be the best at it in order to be in a powerful enough position to avoid becoming a victim - and he lacks a decent opportunity and enough insight to question this outlook because he's still stuck on trying to survive. In fact, he leans into this perspective by the end of tbosas because by then he is fully convinced of its validity. Dr Gaul ensured that he would be.

I care about this because I think it's incredibly relatable. I think - to get personal, speaking as someone with complex trauma as a result of abuse from early childhood into early adulthood and therefore with a lot of experience of being mortally terrified of other people - it's actually pretty important to grapple with how abject terror can create opportunities for people to cause massive amounts of harm to others all while feeling justified in doing so. That being scared enough limits your ability to make rational decisions in the moment, and can trigger you into making decisions you may regret in the long run, ones that may harm someone else, because your focus is entirely upon self preservation.

And yet you have to develop the ability to recognise your capacity for harm if you want to not do harm. You can't sit there and justify yourself in retrospect because it felt right at the time or you just weren't thinking properly, even though that's the truth. Something being true doesn't make it a justification, you know? It's not an easy thing to learn and it's even harder if your circumstances aren't actually safe yet.

I just think it's interesting and kinda annoying that despite it being such a prominent part of his character, so few people want to see Coriolanus as someone who is deeply afraid. Overwhelmingly, people prefer to think of him as purely selfish, calculated and cruel for no other reason than Just Because. Idk maybe people don't like a complex villain with relatable motives, but I think it's more that a lot of people don't want to admit that actions stemming from fear and trauma aren't always the right thing to do and certainly aren't necessarily harmless. Like, people think being a scared and traumatized person and causing harm are mutually exclusive. Acknowledging that as a character Snow is fearful, traumatized and insecure doesn't mean that the harm he inflicts upon other characters as a result is somehow lesser or justifiable. Just that his actions didn't stem from some inherent badness. I'd argue that Snow didn't actually do any deliberate calculated harm of anyone until the end of Ballad, once he'd fully adopted Dr Gaul's worldview and started to more intentionally participate in this cycle of terror and abuse.

Anyway. People don't generally hurt others because they woke up feeling Evil. I find it weirder to assume that a deliberately political story like thg would imply that harm stems from Evil as opposed to human beings adopting harmful ideologies for various relatably human reasons.

[ewaneneollav]

this notion around sufering is like al ongstanding undefeated thought pattern of me, less prominent lately but it kinda flared up tonight

i will try to argue you out of this buti gotta think about it. i think i've struggled against it and mostly won but it's definitely something that has an interesting place in my mind

there's several things going on here. one, i think generally speaking, youre taking something thats true at least on its face at a broad level (trans people experience violence and thus become familiar with it) and zooming in on it infinitely (if i experience something that is on its face less violent than another experience of violence somehow my experience is lesser) and i think thats just not how the whole is built but i dont know how to explain why. now, i used to think like this also, to a very strong degree, and i hold some of it with me still so its not like i dont get it. and the change was actually really long-form and like drawn out i dind tjust like decide against it or anything like that lol. i think like the first point of attack is that narrowly avoiding violence just cant really be analyzed as not experiencing that violence

like if i wasnt avoiding the violence i coulda chilled with that dood etc. Hypothetically

the violence intrinsically exists within the wall between you and the lyft driver and exists within the potentiality—it not happening doesn't make it not real because it doesn't stem from whether it actually happens. like threatened violence is obviously real. insofar as it has a real face the threat of death from something forcing you to coerce doesnt actually change your experience of it that much, not just metaphysically, but like, it barely changes your ability to register it

i feel like it also connects complicatedly with like Trans Womanness cause it gets in that whole complex about like Im just a Guy adorning the signs of people who actually cant get Outta this junk. or whatever tf that whole complex whatever

yeah that makes sense. i don't know how to rationally debate the forces that make you think that way no matter how obviously false it is / the fact that you can demonstrate its falseness because of its false consequences / whatever. but like i think core to it is like you are obviously experiencing gendered violence through coercion there. theres also the fact that the clarity you seem to be describing doesnt really actually derive from experiencing oppression on its own. believe it or not being raped didn't make me smarter it just gave me more information

thiking

i think underlying things might be like, opposite to Being Beaten Up To Understand Reality Better is just chill life go home & make a meal & pursue hobby. in peace. but i feel kinda fucked up about the latter one too so i dont draw the line between them as hard & i get mixed up

hmmmm perhaps these are opposite but do they really describe individuals you're still like an agent. like the thing is being beaten up doesnt make you understand reality better it just positions you in the class that necessitates struggle. and its not actually in itself morally just to suffer like at all

i guess umm. its not that im saying being beaten up WOULD make me understand reality better. i guess i meant the capitalization to intone a self-sarcasm. like i do prescribe like a Positivity to the latter calm way, its just that my sense of connection feels reality feels fucked up, so since im not adeptly pulling the positivity from calmness im just like. the two blur

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i guess im trying to pick apart the original message in its entirely to understand it even though theres more. and i feel like theres a core underlying statement that there's some sort of "anti-capitalist morality" or spirituality to the suffering. like i mean fucking rich people honestly love the idea that there's this inherent purity to being poor lol

im convinced i cant enjoy calmness because im not immersed in life & i suppose many things would SHOCK ME IN & pull me in & understand the stakes so that i can appreciate. because my sense that theres an underlying joy just to the fact of being alive is like, broken. i go around thinking i need horror to demonstrate to me by example why just being alive is good

is the horror the source of the goodness in being alive? or is it just like the contrast?

probably just the contrast

[quote from earlier conversation: “you have spent your entire life living in like new york and you think the world is composed primarily of Fashion, Design, and Ideas”]

i ask myself if this dude Likes Being Alive, & then im like ok so we got a Polarity here & its implications bother me

does he? in your view

i imagine him not really liking it

yeah. i struggle with this a lot. because like personally i view that life as extremely empty. but one thing i've come to realize is that people like that generally do like their lives, and that you can't just fully handwave it as like well actually being rich is bad for you and unfulfilling. i know someone whos life i view as like patently meaningless (because of like my own personal definitions) but nonetheless the meaning is there for them and they find it all the time. if youre oppressed going like, "all of these rich people live on top of the world but it creates emptiness" is like, comforting, but i have no confidence in itself that its actually true

you can always choose suffering and most people dont do it (although some people do). ive been trying to rid myself of like moralism about people though just because i find it very thought-terminating... it is kind of irrelevant who is good or bad and the result of like uplifting suffering seems pretty fetishistic and boring

it almost feels like there's a disjoint of perspective that actively cleaves "meaning" into discretized meanings so that we lose the ability to talk sensibly about the overall situation

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. like between us currently?

more like between you & the person you mentioned knowing. but like the perspective from which we sit here & deliberate upon the cleft meaning like doesn't work. cause if you're in that situation you're like on the other framework & you don't see out of it. so like our perspective can't contain a lack of sight, it invalidates itself

hmmm. i cant quite make that all fit together

if we try to comprehend the situation in full we disclaim any ability to truly subject ourselves to the blindnesses of any given perspectives & thus we subtract, from our conception of it, elements that make it full. like there's no phenomenological thoroughness that's possible

hm. another thing, less fundamental, worth considering is this: are the people at the house show more "full" because of their suffering? is it the act of their friend dying that put them there, that made that sense of fullness materialize to you?

i guess it'/s mm... i think i'd genuinely want to keep away from any position of authenticating identity through deaths suffered for it. but there's another side to the coin: i'm there & it's like the only thing tethering us all mutually is like the queerness of the environment, & the fact is theyve seen death for it & i havent, & i have trouble making sense of it. i guess i dont have to consolidate it to the position that it makes them "more 'it'" but it evokes weird feelings

hmm. what do you feel like you cant understand?

the only thing giving us commonality has been more burned into them whether they particularly wanted it or not, but regardless of whether they partidularly wanted it or not it's like. where am i if they have the bonds of dying for this

do you feel like untethered from any struggle due to your relative ease in the matter?

think this largely connects ot how in general i feel soo fucking apathetic & detached from all things, life feels so inconsequential to me, i feel cynical, it all feels like stage play in a way i dont know how to shut off

[bi-hop]

1, 11, 18 and 48 for kabru!

1. Do you project onto this character?

I do, but probably not as much as it seems. actually here's something I said about it this morning

anyway I feel like what I relate to him the most on is the people pleasing paired with the suppressed thoughts? it's not exactly the same, but I struggle a lot with imposing boundaries. so it's pretty often where I'm like "oh my god, I hate this person, I really do not care about them at all, but I absolutely need them to like me. I need them to do that. I'll do what it takes to make that happen."

buuut instead I feel like it looks like I'm projecting other experiences onto him instead when I'm not, hence my apologetic author's notes all the time

rest under the cut!

11. How did you “fall in love” with this character?

I'm always on the look out for characters of color. Especially brown and Black characters. I'm biased! I'll admit that with pride. So when my girlfriend showed him to me, I was immediately like "I like the design, sucks about the blue eyes though" and he assured me "no, they're relevant to his story" and then I accepted it. I think it was a gradual process of falling in love though. he happens to have a lot of traits I really enjoy in characters and put together in a novel way. he's such a hero, you know? but absolutely in a story where he doesn't fully get to embody the archetype to its fullest. and it's fun. he's fun! how could I not love him

18. Do you prefer to see this character suffer or know peace? Angst or comfort? Both?

I will say, I do like to see him suffer a bit but in a comical sense? I think it's fun when he's mad. I like to poke at him when writing him. and I like all of his scenes where he's screaming in his head from anger or despair. I find all of them to be really charming, which is why it baffles me when people hate him over it. But in the grand sense of things, I do want him to be at peace. So, it's always really mild stuff like "ughhh, why did he just say that..." Similarly, I don't really like writing angst for him that much. This is a funny statement to make when most of my more complex WIPs are a bit angsty at some points, but hey. I'm a hypocriteee, I'm a hypocrite! I think examining him in post-canon is really interesting, and that does necessitate a little 'angst', I suppose, because of examining what it means to be traumatized in the way he has been in a world that is fundamentally different in a lot of ways now. But I prefer comfort, I think. he should be happy

48. What’s your favorite physical/design feature for this character?

HIS NOSE!!! and his smile!!!!! they're both kinda tied.

just look at him...

(send me asks about my faves and I'll answer honestly!)

[pricemarshfield]

oc smash or pass

i was once again tagged by jackie @a-treides ! and y’all KNOWWW i’m going with tav.

rules: pretty self explanatory. include physical descriptions or pics, and propaganda. the “other” label can be used for “sexuality misalignment” (ie: oc is femme and you’re gay, vice versa or you aren’t into smashing but a specific thing you wanna do with them like perhaps hug or study them under a microscope idc).

basics;

full name: tav khoury height: 5'8 age: 32 gender: woman but in a male lead of a romance novel kinda way pronouns: she/her sexuality: bisexual

pros:

once you have her loyalty, it takes a LOT to lose it

very, very charming when she wants to be

she has expertise in insight and isn't conflict avoidant, so if you're not one to start a conversation about something that's bothering you, she will, AND:

high charisma, so she's good at communicating, and high wisdom, so she knows to actually do it before things reach a breaking point

the above two points combined means she can open a dialogue and resolve conflict before you've even realized that's what she's doing. a win for the deeply anxious among us

will stick by you for both a quiet evening in and a raucous night on the town, and be equally content with either

really thoughtful gift-giver; she'll get you enchanted goods that are not only good for you mechanically but also fit your Aesthetic

curious about everything, so you'll always have something new to talk about!

versatile, in all meanings of the word

she is covering all date nights. she's got forty thousand gold on her person at any given moment

not a jealous person; if you want a monogamous relationship, she'll stick by you happily, and if you want polyamory, she's down for whatever

SO fun to get drunk with. she's got the best stories, and most of them are even true!

cons:

devoted to the point of zealotry to a chaotic evil storm god. has killed a LOT of people in his name (but not like. people she knew. you don't have to worry about that. it's more that the blood on her hands rivaling the worst of her companions)

thinks arguing is hotter than flirting, and will do so without much indication that that's why she's picking a fight. this will continue forever

she is Weird(tm) about raphael. he's dead now, but you are still gonna have to deal with that baggage. she stole his incubus' underwear and wears it to this day (pro: she looks hot in it!)

vain about her own legend

control freak, but only in really specific, small ways that are more annoying than anything. you can bring down the wrath of an archfey or whatever on her, no issue, she'll help without complaint, but gods help you if you fuck with her organizational system in ANY way

loves lying. is SO good at lying. will become immediately defensive and resentful if any attempts at truth serum/magic are done to her, regardless of how serious the situation is that necessitates it.

high-insight also means that if there's something you're hiding she WILL know and it will INFURIATE her (she is a hypocrite). good luck trying to surprise her with anything

gets snippy if she thinks someone is smarter than her. also, has an intelligence score of 8.

warning for wizards specifically: she's weird about you. it is an inferiority complex thing on her part but if you say that she will call lightning on you both

her entire party wants her carnally and some of them are more jealous than she is (except gale. they get along fine it's just platonic as hell)

this is already long so propaganda can be found in her tag here :)

[bonerot19]

what are your thoughts on Jason and Roy? I have very complicated thoughts about them because on one hand they’re made out to be good friends so often I can’t be ok with them being strangers it makes me sad :( on the other hand they aren’t good friends not really no them because RHATO destroyed Roy :( so they’re in a weird space of “met this guy two weeks ago would’ve died for him for three days and now we don’t really talk” tragic friendship kinda vibe in my brain. I guess that’s even sadder??? But at least the love was there? Sorry for randomly showing up in your ask box 😭 I’m just curious

I have So Many thoughts on Roy and Jason.

I've been learning a lot more about Roy lately, his history and character and he's so cool so it makes me sad what's happened to him in canon (the account royboyfanpage is a wealth of Roy info I love following them)

my problem is that RHATO could have been cool. they could have made Kory, like, important and sentient. they could have just not reduced Roy to the stupid comic relief guy. they could have kept Jason's backstory instead of rewriting one of my favorite origin stories (stealing the batmobile's tires fucks so hard I can't believe Lobdell thought making him steal from Leslie was better??)

I think Jason and Roy have the potential to have a fun, interesting relationship — little brother stealing his older brother's best friends is hilarious. and I know some people (rightfully) have issues with Roy being aged-down to be closer to Jason's age but I think they still have the potential for hilarity at their relative canon ages.

I like fics that portray Jason and Roy as chaotic, and I do often like Jason/Roy fics because I think the dynamic can be really well written — especially in AUs. I like Jason and Roy bitching about Oliver and Bruce (even though Ollie is like, leagues better than Bruce in canon and loves Roy So Much)

I think what I've learned is that while I enjoy Jason/Roy I really understand why Roy lovers hate Jason because when Jason is in Roy's story it does necessitate some level of character assassination. either by changing Roy's age, changing his relationship with Oliver, changing his relationship with Dick, changing his character in general via Lobdell's bullshit (if I catch u Scott I stg)

which sucks, because I think there are people out there writing really complex Jason/Roy relationships that challenge both characters and complete some great character analysis. you just have to be careful and aware of the way Roy is portrayed to not shape his character to suit Jason, cause that sucks

in the end, I'll still read Jason/Roy, because I like it. sometimes I dislike it in the same way I dislike other characterizations of other batfam and batfam adjacent characters. but I'm taking my time learning about Roy and I'm adding some Green Arrow comics to my tbr (which is 10 miles long) cause if I'm gonna write about Roy I want to understand him