#it’s felt like I’ve just cleared a massive hurdle

[blueskyheadleft010]

*grits teeth and hunches over the laptop for 2.5 hours*

Finally… The first drawing for my animation is complete.

[gaytropolis]

Atomic Habits and a New Perspective on Life

Lately, my train rides to work have taken on a different vibe. I've started reading Atomic Habits by James Clear, a book recommended by my psychologist. And honestly, it couldn’t have come at a better time.

Recently, I’ve been feeling like the universe has been throwing endless roadblocks my way. Between running into issues with PayPal and Amazon while managing my business, Wizards Of AUS, it felt like everything was working against me. But then I cracked open the first chapter of Clear’s book, and something clicked.

The book reframed these roadblocks as "hurdles" rather than massive obstacles, making them seem more like minor annoyances or, dare I say it, first-world problems. It made me realize that maybe, just maybe, the world isn’t conspiring against me after all.

I’m only a few pages in, but already I've learned a powerful lesson: If I can get just 1% better each day, those small improvements will snowball into something remarkable. Clear’s math is simple yet profound—by the end of the year, a 1% daily improvement can make you 37 times better. Wild, right?

So, what’s my first step toward that 1%? Well, my psychologist has been encouraging me to write down one thing I’m grateful for every day. I’ve been avoiding it because, honestly, I didn’t believe it would make a difference. I tend to have a negative view of the world, often feeling like the bad far outweighs the good. It’s not that I think there’s no good out there—I just struggle to see it amid the chaos.

But Clear’s book gave me another wake-up call. He explains that when you focus on seeing people as selfish or negative, that’s all you’ll notice in the world around you. So maybe gratitude could be my first small change, something that could eventually shift my outlook from negative to positive.

And today, my first moment of gratitude is for my mum. She’s always been there for me, no matter what. She’ll drop everything to come to me when I need her. She fills my freezer with homemade meals so I can still have a taste of home, even when she’s not around.

Today, I am grateful for my mum.

Let’s see where this journey of small changes takes me.

[olderthannetfic]

It's really surprising that you're so well versed in older fandoms and yet participate in new popular ones (that cdrama, kpop) is this by design? Im in my twenties and my interest turnover is already way slower than it used to be

You know, that’s a really interesting question. I wouldn’t say it’s by design exactly in that I do tend to just follow what strikes my fancy, and I can’t force myself to want to write fic for just anything. (I find it easier to like reading fic without serious involuntary emotional investment, but writing takes more. Vidding I can do on command most of the time, but I don’t usually bother unless I have a lot of feels or I’m fulfilling someone’s prompt.)

However, me getting into BTS was 100% due to me wanting to understand BTS enough to explain to people who weren’t very interested but wanted to know what was going on in fandom lately. Under normal circumstances, I run the dance party at Escapade, the oldest extant slash con. We borrowed vividcon’s thing of playing fanvids on the wall--all of them set to dance music--as the soundtrack for the dance party. This means I’m creating a 3-hour mixtape of fannishness, which has amazing potential to make people feel in the know about Fandom Today... and equal potential to make them feel alienated if nothing they care about shows up. Only about 100-150 people attend the con, so it really is possible to make a playlist that feels inclusive yet informative--it just takes a huge amount of work.

Every year, I do a lot of research on which fandoms are getting big and look for vids from vidders people won’t have heard of, so there is an element of consciously trying to keep up with things. Generally, I only get into these fandoms myself if I had no idea what they were and then suddenly, oops, they’re my kryptonite, like the buddy cop android plot in Detroit: Become Human, which sucked me in hard for like 6 months on the basis of a vid.

(So if you’re into cross-fandom meta and associated stuff as one of your fannish interests, you tend to have broader knowledge of different fandoms, old and new, than if you’re just looking for the next place you’ll read fic. It’s also easier to love vids for unfamiliar things than fic.)

But though I was only looking for a basic primer on BTS, BTS has 7 members with multiple names and no clear juggernaut pairing, not to mention that AU that runs through the music videos and lots of other context to explain. The barrier to understanding WTF was going on at all was high enough that to know enough to explain, I had to be thoroughly exposed... And once I was over that hurdle, oops, I had a fandom.

--

In terms of old vs. new, here’s the thing: kpop fandoms in English and c-drama fandoms in English right now feel a lot like anime fandom in English did in the early 00s. I had a Buddy Cops of the 70s phase in the middle, but my current fannishness is actually a return to my older fannishness in many ways.

What do I mean about them being similar?

Yes, I know some wanker will show up to say I think China, Korea, and Japan are indistinguishable, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the way that I used to routinely meet Italian and French and German fans, Argentinian and Mexican, Malaysian and Indonesian and Filipino too. English-language fandom of SPN or MCU may have all those fans from all those countries, but it feels very American most of the time. English-language fandom of a non-English-language canon is more overtly about using English as a lingua franca.

It also tends to attract people who as a sideline to their fannishness are getting into language learning and translation, which are my other passion in life after fanworks fandom. (I speak only English and Spanish and a bit of Japanese, but I’ve studied German, French, Russian, Mandarin, Old English, and now Korean.)

Nerds arguing about methods of language learning and which textbooks are good and why is my jam. This is all over the place in English-language fandoms of Chinese, Japanese, and Korean media. Those fandoms also tend to be full of speakers coming from a Germanic or Romance languages background who face similar hurdles in learning these languages. (In other words, if you’re a native Japanese speaker trying to learn Korean, the parts that will be hard for you are different than if you’re an English speaker, but you’re also usually not doing fandom in English.)

There’s also an element of scarcity and difficulty of access and a communal attempt to construct a canon (in the other sense) of stuff from that country that pertains to one’s fannishness. So, for example, a primer explaining the genre of xianxia is highly relevant to being a n00b Untamed fan, but just any old thing about China is not. A c-drama adapted from a danmei webnovel is perhaps part of the new pantheon of Chinese shit we’re all getting into, but just any old drama from decades ago is probably not... unless it’s a genre precursor to something else we care about. Another aspect here is that while Stuff I Can Access As A N00b Who Doesn’t Speak The Language may be relatively scarce, there’s a vast, vast wealth of stuff that exists.

This is what it felt like to be an anime fan in the US in 2000. As translation got more commercial and more crappy series were licensed and dumped onto an already glutted market, the vibe changed. No longer were fans desperately trying to learn enough of the language to translate or spending their time cataloguing what existed or making fanworks about a show they stuck with for a bit: the overall community focus turned to an endless race of consumption to keep up with all of the latest releases. That’s a perfectly valid way of being fannish, but if I wanted that, I’d binge US television 24/7.

Anime fandom got bigger, but what I liked about anime fandom in English died, and I moved on. (Okay, I first moved on to Onmyouji, which is a live action Japanese thing, but still.)

Hardcore weeaboos and now fans of Chinese and Korean stuff don’t stop at language: people get excited about cooking, my other other great passion. Times a thousand if the canon is something like The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty, which is full of loving shots of food preparation. People get excited about history! Mandarin and Japanese may share almost nothing in terms of grammar or phonology, but all of East Asia has influence from specific Chinese power centers historically, and there are commonalities to historical architecture and clothing that I love.

I fell out of love with the popular anime art styles as they changed, and I’m not that into animation in general these days. (I still own a shitton of manga in art styles I like, like Okano Reiko’s Onmyouji series.) I’ve become a filmmaker over the last decade, and I’m very excited about beautiful cinematography and editing. With one thing and another, I’m probably not going to get back into anime fandom, but it’s lovely to revisit the cultural aspects I enjoyed about it via live-action media.

BTS surprised me too, to be honest. I really dislike that early 90s R&B ballad style that infests idol music (not just Korean--believe me, I resisted many rounds of “But Johnny’s Entertainment though!” back in the day). While I like some of the dance pop, I just don’t care. But OH NO, BTS turn out to be massive conscious hip hop fanboys, and their music sounds different. I have some tl;dr about my reactions in the meta I wrote about one of my fanvids, which you can find on Dreamwidth here.

--

But back to your comment about turnover: I know fans from the 70s who’ve had one great fannish love and that’s it and more who were like that but eventually moved on to a second or third. They’re... really fannishly monogamous in a way I find hard to comprehend. It was the norm long ago, but even by the 90s when far more people were getting into fandom, it was seen as a little weird. By now, with exponentially more people in fandom, it’s almost unheard of. I think those fans still exist, even as new people joining, but we don’t notice them. They were always rare, but in the past, only people like that had the stamina to get over the barriers to entry and actually become the people who made zines or were willing to be visibly into fanfic in eras when that was seen as really weird. On top of that, there’s an element of me, us, judging the past by what’s left: only people with an intense and often single passion are visible because other people either drifted away or have seamlessly disappeared into some modern fandom. They don’t say they’re 80 or 60 or 40 instead of 20, so nobody knows.

In general, I’m a small fandoms and rare ships person. My brain will do its best to thwart me by liking whatever has no fic even in a big fic fandom... (Except BTS because there is literally fic for any combination of them, like even more than for the likes of MCU. Wow. Best fandom evar!) So I have an incentive to not get complacent and just stick with one fandom because I would very soon have no ability to be in fandom at all.

My appetite for Consuming All The Things has slowed way down, but it also goes in waves, and a lot of what I’m consuming is what I did back in 2000: journal articles and the limited range of English-language books on the history of m/m sex and romance in East Asia. It’s not so much that I have a million fandoms as that I’m watching a few shows as an expression of my interest in East Asian costume dramas and East Asian history generally.

I do like to sit with one thing and experience it deeply rather than moving on quickly, but the surface expression of this has changed depending on whether I’m more into writing fic or more into doing research or something else.

But yes, I do do a certain amount of trying to stay current, often as a part of research for fandom meta or to help other people know what’s going on. Having a sense of what’s big doesn’t automatically mean getting into all those things, but I think some fans who are older-in-fandom and/or older-in-years stop being open to even hearing what’s new. And if you’ve never heard of it, you’ll never know if you might have liked it.

[auguriium]

@niveusveritas​

   Mist dampens his long hair and pale skin as the thick mass of clouds covering the gray skies create an unrelenting fog all around him. The brim of his hat feels heavy with the moisture clinging to it, and the stray strands of verdant locks cling awkwardly to his clammy cheeks as he peers fruitlessly through the seemingly solid wall of haze. The air is heavy. Every time he inhales it settles like a rock in his lungs, and he can taste the bitterness of sea salt when the wind rushes down his throat. His clothes stick to his lean frame, and all running the sleeve of his shirt across his eyes in an attempt to clear up his vision does is make his face wetter. And squeezing his eyelids shut doesn’t offer much relief either. The unfavorable weather serves to make everything around him appear blurry, and it’s nearly impossible for him to tell east from west and north from south despite the knowledge he has at his disposal. He can feel the drum of his heart picking up in speed and volume with every silent beat of Zekrom’s leathery wings against the clouds from an array of emotions he doesn’t quite have a name to describe, but knows, without a doubt, fear isn’t one of them. And his expression is calm despite the manner in which his brows are scrunched up in worry, and the way his nose wiggles whenever the massive dragon plunges through a willowy cloud, effectively giving him a face-full of chilled water that sends a shiver down his spine. A low grunt always following shortly afterwards that makes his lips curve upwards into a smile at his partner’s somewhat sheepish apology that mixes with the low buzz of the dull blue static that rolls over the Pokemon’s entire body. But he hardly minds. He doesn’t need his eyes to get through this fog anyway. 

     In the distance, he can hear the high-pitched cries of Latios and Latias calling to them - guiding them. Their pleasant voices ringing out loud and clear to them. And though they’re actively conveying directions to him, they’ve largely come to understand that these skies aren’t intended to allow humans safe travel. Yet, he harbors nothing but trust towards them and Zekrom who carefully follows after them. While his partner is wholly lacking in their grace, their broad body is easily built for poor conditions, and so following after the twin dragons isn’t difficult, even if Zekrom does so with a certain thundering intensity N has grown terribly used to over the years they’ve been traveling companions. Though he does lean down to whisper to the dragon to, perhaps, quiet the crackle of their wings as they soar through the air so they don’t frighten their current guides or any of the Pokemon on the islands he’s perfectly aware are nestled beneath these clouds, even if he can’t see them. But the warmth he feels drifting upwards towards them implies they’re flying rather close to the water - low and far from view of anything but the two dragons soaring in and out of his meager range of vision. Their voices slowly going quieter - softer. They’re afraid. Or rather, they don’t want to cause a fuss. And their reasoning threatens to make his heart sink into the very pit of his stomach. They had both warned him of Reshiram’s condition before he had managed to convince the pair to lead him to the dragon of truth and, by extension, their trainer. But the closer they drew, the more it truly settled in, and the more desperate, concerned, and nearly ill he felt. 

     He inhales sharply, nearly choking on the fishy and tangy smell of the sea in the process, in an attempt to calm himself when he can feel the static flowing through Zekrom’s body grow a bit more agitated in response to his heightening emotions, but it’s next to impossible to bury them. Not when his heart is doing jumping jacks between his gut and his throat, and the fog is slowly beginning to lift around them as Latios and Latias bid them farewell for the time being - their voices quickly fading in the background. “Thank you,” he whispers softly against the wind as his fingers slowly stroke Zekrom’s neck. His pale lips pursing as the clouds begin to part, and the sea beneath them is replaced by lush, dewy grass and vibrant flowers that only briefly catch his eyes before the cries of the wild Pokemon still able to thrive in such a remote location steal his attention, and he offers them a sheepish smile and a series of apologies for startling them. Zekrom’s little growls of their own apologies, admittedly, don’t help too much, but he supposes they’re not fleeing or regarding them as a threat - instead, they’re simply tucking out of the less than graceful dragon’s way as they right themself - massive claws sinking into the moist ground as Zekrom makes landfall with a soft ‘plop’. 

      With quite a bit more grace, N dismounts from the dragon’s back, and removes his hat, tucking it into his back pocket before trying to wipe his eyes once again - this time with significantly more success now that the warm air has helped dry him ever so slightly. “Are you—” Before he’s even able to finish that sentence, Zekrom’s entire demeanor has changed. Their tail flashes a bright blue, and they’re off - stomping through the grass and hurdling themselves into the mouth of a cave covered in moss. “Ah, Zekrom, please be—” Gentle, but the last word never escapes his throat when it finally dawns on him that Zekrom isn’t chasing after the wild Pokemon to befriend, but has singled out exactly what - rather who - they had come here to find in the first place. If his heart had been a personal roller-coaster before now, it had gained at least three drops and five loops in the few second it takes for that realization to click. And he swallows hard around the lump that forms in his dry throat as his lips quiver between a frown and a smile. A mixture of joy, excitement, heartache, worry, and dread all threatening to drown him at once. He’s lost track of the years since he had last seen the other; lost track of the countless almost’s and so close’s he had to finding Touya over all of them. Guilt lingers for not being able to find him sooner - Latios and Latias had made Reshiram’s condition unsettlingly clear to him, and it made worry for Touya’s sake. Was he well? Was he just as worse for ware as the dragon? A part of him is afraid to move - to find out, but how badly he’s longed to see the other again; to speak with him, and to hear his voice. 

     His heart lurches when he hears Zekrom call to him - wandering why he’s simply standing there - eyes wide, and heart on his tongue. He doesn’t know either. He shakes his head, and quickly combs long fingers through his hair in a pitiful attempt to make it vaguely presentable before racing after the dragon. Small pants heaving past his lips by the time he makes it to the dragon’s side, and another surge of awkward emotions strikes him hard enough that his heart swells, and he grips the fabric that covers his chest tightly in a loose fist. His knuckles as white as his shirt. “I’ve finally found you...Touya.”  

[wrestlingisfake]

G1 Climax 30 preview

This is New Japan Pro Wrestling’s annual heavyweight singles tournament, scheduled for 19 shows between September 19 and October 18.  The winner receives a trophy and a contract for an IWGP heavyweight championship match at Wrestle Kingdom on January 4.  Whoever holds the contract is expected to defend it in singles matches, sort of like a championship.  If the IWGP heavyweight champion himself holds the contract, he may name his own challenger for January 4.

The G1 is a 20-man round-robin tournament, split into two blocks of ten men.  Each participant has a match against every other man in his block.  That works out to 45 matches in A Block and 45 matches in B Block.  Points are awarded for each block match, and whoever has the highest score wins the block.  The A Block winner then meets the B Block winner in the final on October 18, to determine the winner of the entire tournament.

Each match is worth 2 points--the winner gets 2 and the loser gets 0.  A 30-minute time limit draw awards 1 point to each participant.  I could do a deep dive into scoring and potentially complicated tiebreaker scenarios.  But through the magic of pro wrestling, scoring is mostly straightforward, and usually each block comes down to two guys who just happen to face each other in the deciding match in the last round.  So I’ll go over the three final shows (October 16-18) in more detail when we get there.

Western wrestling fans are more accustomed to single-elimination tournaments, so newcomers might find the G1 Climax a little confusing and arduous.  It’s nineteen shows, all in one month, with ninety-one tournament matches.  The story is mostly told in the ring, with few if any angles.  And it’s fairly predictable, so a cynic could just skip to the last few shows without missing a lot of bracket-busting surprises.  The actual point, though, is match quality.  Every participant wants to deliver their personal best performances of the year, so you’re kinda guaranteed about a dozen four-star matches.  Besides, it’s perfect entertainment for staying at home binging TV--I have been going nuts waiting for this since the pandemic started.

Let’s take a look at the participants...

A Block

Jay White - The leader of Bullet Club and a former IWGP heavyweight champion.  White has been the de facto top foreigner since Kenny Omega left.  Prior to that New Japan kind of had a “Big Four” (Okada, Tanahashi, Naito, and Omega) that would be heavily favored in big events like this.  Now it’s more of a “Big Five” (Okada, Naito, Tanahashi, Ibushi, and White), and I would argue White just barely makes the cut by virtue of being the top heel and the biggest dick in the company.

Other than a couple of matches for New Japan’s LA-based show, White has been out of action since February.  I actually almost miss the bastard.  Before he left it felt like questions were brewing about KENTA eclipsing him as the biggest dick in Bullet Club.  While they were both away, Bullet Club reorganized around EVIL as the dickiest dick that ever dicked.  I smell a very slow burn storyline.  Since White’s not in the same block as the others, we probably won’t see him meet Evil or Kenta during this tour.  But I expect it will be very interesting which of the posts the best performance.

White’s style is to counter offense, often by going limp on the mat to prevent an opponent from hitting a signature move.  He’s honed this into some very solid chickenshit heel work that gets massive heat from the crowd, but I’ve found it incredibly tedious to sit through.  His matches with Okada, Ibushi, and Ishii will probably be heavily promoted as main events, but I’m more curious to see how his shenanigans will mesh with Taichi, Will Ospreay, and Minoru Suzuki.

Jeff Cobb - He’s a free agent, although it’s been strongly rumored that he’s about to sign with somebody and it’s probably going to be New Japan.  Because of the pandemic, there are a lot of hurdles for non-Japanese wrestlers to come in for a tour, so I’m pretty glad this absolute unit made it in.

Cobb was in last year’s G1, but many of his opponents this year weren’t in his block last time, so he’s got a lot of fresh matchups.  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Cobb vs. Okada, Cobb vs. Ibushi, or Cobb vs. Suzuki.

The big issue for Cobb is that he ought to do better than his 8-point performance in last year’s tournament.  To get to 10 he’s probably going to have to score a big upset.  A victory over White is plausible but probably not in the cards.  Okada, maybe?

Kazuchika Okada - The leader of CHAOS and a five-time former IWGP heavyweight champion.  This seems to be a rebuilding year for Okada, as he takes a break from the limelight to give Naito a chance to shine.  That could mean he’s set to come roaring back in 2021, which could mean he’s booked to win this tournament.  On paper he’s a clear favorite, so I suppose he’s my pick to win A Block.  But as far as winning the whole tournament...I’m not feeling it, for some reason.

Ordinarily, Okada is either the defending champion or a top contender, so he loses very few tournament matches, which makes it a big deal for someone to actually beat him.  This year, though, Okada has been feuding with the likes of Taichi and Yujiro Takahashi, and getting pinned by Toru Yano.  So maybe they figure Okada won’t be back in title contention for a while, so it’s okay to make weaker opposition look stronger against him.  If he fails to win at least 10 points, that would be a very ballsy storyline.  At the very least, they might tease the possibility with an early slump.

Okada’s match with Will Ospreay on October 16 is probably going to decide the entire block, so I expect that to be a centerpiece for the tournament.  Okada vs. Ibushi is a rematch from Wrestle Kingdom and should also be excellent.  I’m personally most interested in Okada vs. Shingo Takagi, since I can’t recall them ever meeting one-on-one before.

Kota Ibushi - The 2019 G1 Climax winner, and a former IWGP intercontinental champion.  He represents Hontai, the default “home team” faction for all the purest babyfaces.  Ibushi has been a fan favorite for years, but New Japan never went all the way with him because he was a free agent.  That changed last year when he signed a long-term deal, although I was surprised they still had him choke at Wrestle Kingdom.  Nobody has won the G1 Climax two years in a row since Hiroyoshi Tenzan in 2003-2004, but I could see Ibushi doing it.

The story for Ibushi this year is that he needed to recover from going 0-2 in the Double Gold Dash series at Wrestle Kingdom, and he found new purpose in a tag team with his idol Hiroshi Tanahashi.  But the new Golden Ace team lost the tag title to Zack Sabre Jr. and Taichi, and it quickly became apparent that Tana is the weak link in the team.  So there’s intrigue about whether Tanahahi should pack it in, and whether Ibushi should leave him behind to pursue a top singles title.  An Ibushi-Tanahashi match in the finals would be a really easy story to tell.  Or they might be saving that for a non-title match at Wrestle Kingdom, which would mean neither of them are winning this tournament.

Ibushi has two modes--daredevil flippy guy or stiff strong-style mean guy.  So his matches with Will Ospreay and Tomohiro Ishii are always scary and nuts, for wildly different reasons.  I personally get a kick out of Ibushi vs. Suzuki, because Suzuki is all >:( and Ibushi is all :D

Minoru Suzuki - The leader of Suzuki-gun and current NEVER openweight champion.  Last year’s G1 was so stacked that Suzuki didn’t even make the cut, but he’s back with a vengeance.  The cool thing about Suzuki is that he’s old as balls, but he’s scary as fuck, but he’s not invincible.  So it’s sort of like having the Undertaker in the G1, except he can do four or five jobs and maintain credibility so he doesn’t have to squash everyone.

There are plenty of fresh matches for Suzuki in this field, but I’m particularly interested in Suzuki vs. Taichi, since they’re in the same faction.  Suzuki-gun vs. Suzuki-gun matches tend to be wild, vicious brawls, and I don’t remember these two ever meeting one-on-one before.  This is probably the year to do it, since Suzuki is only getting older and Taichi’s career is at an all-time high right now.

Anyone who beats Suzuki during the G1 should be in line for a future title match, although big-name guys like Okada, White, and Ibushi may pass on it to pursue bigger opportunities.  In terms of setting up future challengers, though, I think Ospreay, Cobb, or Takagi would all make sense.

Shingo Takagi - A member of Los Ingobernables de Japon and a former NEVER openweight champion.  Shingo is big and mean and tough and I like him a lot.  I’d like to think he’s being set up for bigger and better things down the road.  But for now he’s a middle-of-the-pack guy, and middle-of-the-pack guys don’t win the G1.  It’ll be a moral victory if he finishes in third or forth place for the block.

I’m kinda looking forward to all of Shingo’s block matches.  He’ll demolish Yujiro, he’ll give Taichi and Jay White the fight of their lives, and he’ll hang with big mean guys like Ishii, Cobb, and Suzuki.  Takagi vs. Ospreay might have been my favorite match in 2019, so that should be treat this year.

Taichi - One of the IWGP heavyweight tag team champions, and a member of Suzuki-gun.  The tag champs have not appeared in the G1 in recent years, but Taichi is a full-time regular, and he was in the tournament last year, so it’s not like being a tag champ was going to be held against him or anything.

I’m not expecting Taichi to do particularly well, but he needs some wins or else way too many guys will be in line for tag title shots.  It’ll be interesting to see which guys they’re willing to feed to him, because it’s hard to imagine most of the field jobbing to him.

Tomohiro Ishii - Basically the #2 guy in CHAOS and one of the NEVER trios champions.  Ishii is always an imposing obstacle in the G1 but he never actually strings together enough wins to really matter in the endgame.  So I think they’ll make a big deal about the threat he represents to guys like Ospreay, White, and Ibushi, but then they’ll just beat him like it’s no big deal.

Oddly, the one Ishii match I’m really interested in is with Taichi, because they were doing a program last year where Ishii brought out the best in Taichi and motivated him to fight honorably.  I’m interested in how they revisit that.

Will Ospreay - A member of CHAOS and the RPW British heavyweight champion.  Last I heard, Ospreay planned to live in Japan, but he got stuck in the UK when the pandemic travel bans went down. 

I heard a lot about how Will’s mental health was suffering from being away from wrestling.  Then he was distraught about Hana Kimura’s suicide.  Then he got called out amid the #SpeakingOut movement.  If I understand correctly, he was accused of helping to blackball a woman from the BritWres scene because she claimed a friend of his sexually abused her.  So there’s a lot going on here, and I’m not sure how it all will affect his career or relationship with the industry and fans.

In light of the allegations against him, I expect some Western fans will not be happy to see him back in New Japan.  I get the feeling New Japan will ignore the controversy, which may frustrate fans agitating for Ospreay to face consequences.  Speaking personally, I considered Ospreay a sentimental favorite last year, and I’m not sure the things he apparently did rise to the level of “kick him out of the business,” but it feels weird bringing him back like nothing happened.  I’m not sure how he can repair the damage to his reputation, and I don’t think I want New Japan to give him a free pass on doing that.

Dave Meltzer has suggested that, before the pandemic, New Japan planned to start pushing Ospreay hard as a heavyweight, with a lot of key wins in the G1.  If that really was the plan, could the pandemic have changed all that?  I guess we’ll find out.

Yujiro Takahashi - Bullet Club’s resident prelim guy.  This is his first G1 in five years, and even back when he regularly appeared he didn’t score very well.  I strongly doubt he’d be in this thing if they’d been able to fly in more foreigners.  But someone has to lose a lot for the big names to rack up points, and he’s suited to the role.

The most interesting thing about Yujiro is that he’s accompanied by PIETER, who is hot.  Unfortunately, Pieter is not exactly what you’d call an essential worker, which is probably why she hasn’t appeared at all since the pandemic.  Watching a Yujiro singles match without Pieter is kinda like just reading Playboy for the table of contents.  Actually, the most compelling thing Yujiro could do here is a match with Taichi, and that’d mainly be to see Pieter interact with Miho Abe, who probably also won’t be on this tour.

B Block

EVIL - The turncoat who betrayed Los Ingobernables de Japon to join Bullet Club.  Evil captured both the IWGP heavyweight title and IWGP intercontinental title from Tetsuya Naito earlier this year, but lost them back to Naito a few weeks ago.  Everybody was kinda “Really?  You’re pushing Evil?  Really?”  So it’s fair to say he’s got a lot to prove.

I don’t expect Evil to win the block.  But as a recent former champion, he needs a strong showing, if only to sell the idea that anyone who could win the title is a serious threat.  You don’t want to Jinder Mahal this guy, and I think New Japan knows better than to do that.

I think everyone in this block has had a singles match with Evil, but few have worked with him since the heel turn, which freshens up those matchups.  I’m curious how he’ll interact with Yano or Sabre, for example.  There’s obviously a grudge match in Evil vs. Naito, but Evil and SANADA were tag team partners for years, and we’ve conveniently avoided getting Sanada’s take on the Evil turn. 

The big deal, though, will probably be the match with KENTA.  I’d rather see Jay White have to face Kenta or Evil, but this will have to do.  Every Bullet Club vs. Bullet Club match in the G1 kinda plays out the same, but every year I put on my clown wig and hope we’ll see a real rift form in the group.

Hirooki Goto - One of the NEVER trios champions, representing CHAOS.  Last year they made a big deal about Goto reinventing himself at the LA Dojo, but it’s a year later and he’s pretty much the same Goto.  I just don’t have any confidence in him to score a win that’s going to move him up the ranks.  He’s easy to take for granted.

I’m all for seeing Goto pleasantly surprise me with a hot run, but how would he even do that at this point?  I guess he could pin Naito to set up a title match, but that wouldn’t get me to believe he could actually win said title match.  A victory over Evil or Tanahashi would be more doable, but does that really get him anywhere?  Maybe he could beat Sabre to set up a tag title program, but I’m so bored with matching the six-man tag champions against the regular tag champions.

Hiroshi Tanahashi - The eight-time former IWGP heavyweight champion and leader of Hontai.  He’s already won this tournament three times, a stat that puts him up there with legends from the 1990s and early 2000s.  But New Japan has been increasingly playing up the idea that age is catching up with him.  At 43, he’s not the oldest guy in this tournament, but the idea is that his knees are shot and he’s only hanging in at this level through sheer god-given talent.

In principle, you can always do a “living legend proves he’s still got it” story with Tana defying age and the odds to win one more G1.  The problem is, they already did that story in 2018, and there’s no good reason to rehash it so soon.  So I figure he’ll probably get beaten down a lot in the early going, to build sympathy for him having a bad run, and then he’ll rebound to give fans hope, and then he’ll come up short in the very end.

The biggest marquee match in this block is Tanahashi vs. Naito (they’ve been kept apart for a few years now).  But I’m more interested in seeing him battle fellow white-meat babyface Juice Robinson, or mega-dicks like Kenta or Evil that he hasn’t worked with much since they turned.  Of course, the strongest grudge match for Tana is against Sabre, playing off the recent Golden Ace/Dangerous Tekkers feud.  That one’s set for the last day of B Block, and I get the feeling it’s because Sabre is finally going to put Tana’s knees out of their misery.

Juice Robinson - Joliet, Illinois’s favorite son is finally back in Japan.  Juice had a memorable feud with Jay White in 2018 to win the IWGP US championship and take a big leap forward, but unfortunately it’s been choppy sailing since then.  He benefited from feuding with Jon Moxley and the Guerillas of Destiny, but he also lost those feuds.  At the same time, Will Ospreay has kinda leapfrogged him as the top babyface foreigner.  We’ll never know how he might have recovered from all that if not for the pandemic.  But the road back starts here.

Even as a Juice fan I don’t think he has any business winning the block.  But he’s one of those guys that is in striking distance of finishing a G1 with 10 points, and I think that would be a big milestone at this stage of his career.  Trouble is, I don’t even see four matches where he’d be the favorite, let alone five.  To get that 5-4 record he’s going to have to shock someone like Sabre or Kenta, and that’s pretty hard to imagine.

KENTA - Kenta came to New Japan for last year’s G1, and then turned heel and joined Bullet Club at the end of the tour.  Since then he’s held the NEVER openweight title, but he’s probably more infamous for beating up the retired Katsuyori Shibata, and ruining Tetsuya Naito’s celebration in the Tokyo Dome.  In a faction of dickasses, Kenta is the dickest, assest one of them all.  It’s almost admirable, in a dickish sort of way.

Before the pandemic, Kenta’s heel heat was so hot that it seemed like he was a potential rival for Jay White’s leadership of Bullet Club.  Then most of Bullet Club was unavailable this summer, and what was left kind of reorganized around Evil.  So does Kenta just accept being the #3 guy in the faction?  Or does he remind people he’s still in the “who should lead Bullet Club” conversation?  The answer is probably somehwere in the middle.  But his performance in this tournament might give us a clue.

SANADA - The dark horse of Los Ingobernables de Japon, and maybe the whole promotion.  At the end of 2019 I was dead-certain that Evil and Sanada were stuck as the two guys just below the Big Five, with no hope of upward advancement, so they’d just keep winning World Tag League forever and ever.  Now Evil’s been the champ, and Sanada fandom is heating up.  Pretty sure I saw some betting site give Sanada the best odds of winning the whole tournament.  It seems kinda crazy to me, because I’ve been watching him fade into the background for years.  But I sure wouldn’t mind if he just went and won the big one.

There’s not really anyone in this block that Sanada can’t beat.  I don’t think he ever has beaten Naito or Evil, but I certainly believe he could.  Really, the only guy that consistently makes Sanada look like a chump is Okada, who is conveniently in the other block.  Sanada having to beat Okada to win the G1 would be a really good story.  So I don’t know, maybe it really could happen.

Sanada vs. Naito and Sanada vs. Evil are clearly the big things here, but for my money you can’t go wrong with Sanada against Yano or Sabre.  Those matches always go down smooth, for incredibly different reasons.

Tetsuya Naito - The leader of Los Ingobernables de Japon and the reigning IWGP heavyweight champion and IWGP intercontinental champion.  Neither of Naito’s belts are on the line in this tournament, but anyone who beats him during the tournament is practically guaranteed a title shot by the end of the year.  To that end, he will probably lose very few block matches.  But since the point of the tournament is to name a challenger for January 4, it doesn’t do much good for the champion to win.  So watch for him to finish at like 7-2, but still come up short.

The usual pattern for a champion in the G1 is that he loses a couple of matches to set up main events on the Destruction and Power Struggle tours in September, October, and November.  That’s tricky this time because the G1 is so much later in the year, so there will be fewer big shows between now and January 4 to book Naito title matches.  In addition, Naito is a double champion, and has expressed a preference to defend each title separately.  So maybe they could do a thing where he loses G1 matches against, say, Goto and Kenta, and then they book Naito vs. Goto for one belt and Naito vs. Kenta for the other on the same tour.  But it’s pretty clear New Japan is kinda playing 2020 by ear, so they may not even be sure where they’re going with this stuff.

For several years now there’s been a lot of concern about Naito’s body being “thrashed,” and whether he can keep up with the physical demands of a top champion.  In New Japan, working the G1 is the most demanding of those physical demands.  He had a few months in the spring to heal up, but that was a couple of tours ago.  Now the real grind begins, so if he’s still having problems, that probably doesn’t bode well for his long-term career.

Toru Yano - The first KOPW titleholder, representing CHAOS.  Yano’s gimmick is that he seems like a prelim comedy guy, but he’s so good at cheating and misdirection that you have to take him seriously.  He’s not going to win the block, but he can definitely hang in long enough to play spoiler.  Last year he notably handed Jon Moxley his first New Japan loss--it was by count-out, but two points is two points.  You underestimate Yano at your own peril.

Yano’s matches are often pretty short, and don’t involve a lot of hard work for the wrestlers.  It’s sort of like each of the other guys gets a “night off” by playing his game.  Some fans think he shouldn’t even be in there, but I’ve come to look forward to all the different ways he’ll try to steal wins.  For fans expecting “sports entertainment” in the G1, this is your guy.

YOSHI-HASHI - One of the NEVER trios champions, along with Goto and Ishii, from CHAOS.  Yoshi is a journeyman, who just won his first NJPW title after 12 years with the company.  There’s a “lovable loser” quality to the guy, and he has his fan following.  But in terms of the G1, he’s a jobber.  He hasn’t been in the tournament since 2017, and that year he went 2-7.  I’m not expecting much better this time around.

Zack Sabre Jr. - A member of Suzuki-gun and Taichi’s partner in the IWGP heavyweight tag team champions, Dangerous Tekkers.  Sabre’s emphasis on chain wrestling, grappling, and submissions causes the style of his matches to stand out from the rest.  Where other heavyweights train for size and strength, he stays lean and noodle-y to wriggle out of holds.  He’s completely different, which is vital to avoid the feeling that every G1 match is just, like, two strong style dudes slapping the shit out of each other.

Sabre has always impressed me but that doesn’t translate into big pushes for him.  They’ve given him some key feuds over the RPW British title, but it never feels like he’s really truly in the mix with the top guys.  I’d like to see that change, and maybe get him back into the 10-point range.  But in a way he’s kinda like Ishii and Sanada, where they talk like he’s a big deal but then he loses a lot to make other guys look better for beating a “big deal.”

Like I said before, Sabre vs. Tanahashi is a natural grudge match and will probably be the main focus of this tour for Zack.  But I think it’ll be interesting to see how he handles Evil and Kenta now that they’re heels.  And Sabre vs. Sanada is always a treat.

Predictions

I think I’ve talked myself into an Okada vs. SANADA final, but I could see New Japan going in other directions.  Ibushi vs. Tanahashi would be a rehash of 2018’s tournament, but that was a great match so I don’t know if anybody would mind.  The biggest match they could do might be another Okada vs. Tanahashi match, but I don’t know if this is the right year to go there again.

Of course, the G1 final doesn’t have to be a dream match.  You can put the guy who’s going to win in there with someone that nobody thinks can win.  Kenny Omega vs. Hirooki Goto in 2017 and Kota Ibushi vs. Jay White in 2019 were foregone conclusions, but they made you believe that maybe there’ll be an upset when you kinda knew there would never be.  I could see them doing something like that with Ospreay, Takagi, Kenta, or Sanada.  Actually, an Ospreay-Sanada final might be hot because they’d both feel like underdogs, so you wouldn’t feel like one of them definitely has to win.

If that was like picking a Royal Rumble winner, I’d think WWE wants to pick a new guy to push as a top babyface challenger, and Sanada would make sense.  But I’ve seen so many years where New Japan stuck with what works that I’m reluctant to pick anybody outside the Big Five.  So I guess I’m going to pick Okada to win the G1, and then kinda hope I am pleasantly surprised.

[make-it-mavis]

Homesick (Entry #33)

(cw: discussion of addiction) ----------

01/21/88  3:30 PM

Hey.

So… therapy.

Therapy, therapy, therapy.

If you were here, you’d no doubt want to hear how it went. Or how it didn’t go. How much I botched it, or what garbage mumbo jumbo it was. I wouldn’t blame you. Me, going to counselling? Group counselling? No way.

But I would also tell you to hold your horses, because before therapy came detox. Oh, yes. Me and my good friend, withdrawals. Not fun to hear about, I know. Less fun to experience. 

I won’t get into the nitty gritty of how sick I was. I’ve described it enough times by now. Let’s just say that it was twice as bad as the worst withdrawals I had ever had before. It had all the usual intense illness, but peppered with little blackouts. I also practically went insane over the need for GC. But, being confined to my game, there was no way to get any. Fix-it endured a whole lot of my screaming and breakdowns… again. At some point he took away my brush for my own good, and as outraged as I was, I think that mostly snapped me out of it from then on out. I could have my brush as long as I stayed calm. I was being treated like a freakin’ child, but I had to just roll with it. I was too weak to fight him, and I couldn’t be without buffs and without my brush.

As I started to come to my senses, I began to remember and understand the memory that I saw in my trip more and more. But what was strange to me was that I could hardly manage to feel anything over it. I knew for sure that those memories were packed full of emotions that could have wrecked me. But at the time, I felt numb to them. As if they just weren’t a priority compared to all else I’d been dealing with. The whole concept of counselling was taking up a whole lot of space in my brain, and I guess I could only feel so much at once. I suppose I ought to have felt thankful for that, but honestly, I felt kind of guilty.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe I felt like you deserved to have someone hurting over you, even though I’d already offered up so much pain. And even though I knew I still had more to give.

Still, slowly but surely, I recovered. It took the full two weeks for me to fully detox. Even then, I wasn’t at 100%. I was, maybe, 85%. I wasn’t shivering and throwing up anymore, but I still felt like a damp, moldy rag. 

It was around that point that I finally told Fix-it that I would try counselling.

I think he tried his best to play it cool so that I wouldn’t be embarrassed out of my decision by his enthusiasm, but I could tell he was overjoyed. Not disappointing him for once felt… different.

He went to tell Surge as promised, and he came back with a little pamphlet about the program for me to look over leading up to the first session. Just looking at the thing nearly turned me off from the idea, and actually opening it up and reading it was… so much worse.

The program seemed to be built upon twelve ‘steps’ (hurdles, more like): Honesty, Hope, Surrender, Courage, Integrity, Willingness, Humility, Love, Responsibility, Discipline, Awareness, and Service.

Yeah. That’s a lot of gross words.

As if that wasn’t enough on its own, so many descriptions for these supposed steps were so explicitly Devout, like my faith in the Devs would be what pulled me through this whole thing. Reading it, I almost wondered if I was being tricked into some kind of cult, or enlisted in some kind of military conditioning. Everything about it screamed that I would not fit in. At all. It wouldn’t work, I’d just humiliate myself, and I’d be locked up for two years anyway.

I wanted to quit. Really badly.

But one thought of Tapper was all it would take to guilt me back into it.

When I was ready as I’d ever be, I met Surge in our cord station, and he let me know just how things were going to work. Sessions were on Tuesdays and Fridays from 10:30 PM ‘til midnight, and they would be held in the center of Pac-Man. Yeah, Pac-Man, where some of the best GC is, and where I had my last hit that had been so devastating. I pointed out the bad decision to Surge, and he assured me that he was aware of the risks. He had a few volunteer guards attending all the meetings, making sure no one slipped into the maze to get high. Besides, the whole thing was run by that little orange ghost, Clyde. Why? I don’t know. I guess he’s a philanthropist or something. But keeping him in his own game seemed like the safest option on his part, which seemed fair.

I still think it was stupid.

Surge would escort me to and from the meetings, but I would go in alone. He has too much work to do to sit in on a group therapy session for an hour and a half. But then he told me the worst part -- I could not bring my brush and paint can to the meetings. My tools were to remain in my game. They were considered weapons, which, in the right context, they can be. That much was fair. Less fair was the fact that when too much distance is put between me and my tools, my code gets stretched out. I glitch, I get very, very uncomfortable, and am definitely put in a far less receptive state to counselling that I already don’t want to attend. I explained as much to Surge, including the fact that my brush didn’t even have its full spectrum at the time, but it was no use. Defective or not, I’m too powerful with my brush.

It would have been flattering if it didn’t suck so damn much.

But, I agreed to it. I just wanted to get it all over with. It felt so humiliating and futile. I’ve never been the sort to tolerate being locked in with a bunch of losers blubbering about their feelings, or whatever the hell. I automatically reject pretty much any and all advice, just by reflex. I could not imagine having someone tell me what to do about deeply personal, painful feelings and having it help literally anything. Knowing me, it might have just made it worse.

Yet, despite all that, there was a very real, very conscious part of me that was willing to give it a real shot. I was almost at the end of my rope, just holding onto fraying strands. I wanted to get better, I really did. 

So I went into this experience holding onto that will like a lifeline. 

Surge escorted me to Pac-Man that night, and, obviously, I went in alone. Inside, right off the train, there were these two big army guys from Front Line waiting at the entrance of the maze. Seemed like a good choice for guards, with how beefy they are. They walked with me into the dark maze, and as we wove through the bends and corners, I just kept thinking about how easily I could drop both of them and run off for a sweet hit of GC if I had my brush. Which just validated Surge’s decision to ban my tools, I guess.

We arrived at the conference room, and my burly chaperones opened the doors to show me in. When I entered, I jumped. Everyone was already there. A group of around nine or ten sat in a circle, and all eyes among them were fixed on me. Along with the eyes of that little orange ghost himself.

“Make-it Mavis,” he called calmly. “Welcome.”

I did not feel particularly welcome, not with the nervous looks and spiteful glares pointed my way. I just stood there, waiting to be told what to do. I was not interested in pleasantries. I just wanted to do the work and go.

Sensing that, Clyde nodded to an empty chair next to him. “Come, sit. Don’t be shy.”

I wanted to throw a retort at him, but I just went with it. Every time I got the urge to screw it all up, I remembered Tapper, and hot shame in my belly put me back in line. I had to do everything I could to ensure that I would never do something like what I did to his game again. I had already spent too long thinking your blood was on my hands. I did not need to throw someone else’s into the mix.

I walked into the fluorescent-lit meeting room and took my seat, and noted immediately that the space around it was far more generous than anyone else was getting, like even the chairs were scared of me. I felt so low, so hot, so embarrassed. I was in a massive hole that I’d tunneled my own way into, putting me on the same level as all those other miserable suckers. I was only there because I had been too weak to stop myself from taking my last buff. I couldn’t stop berating myself over it all. I was lethargic, sweating, ashamed, with my code stretched clear across the arcade. At least the cold metal chair felt pretty good on my feverish ass. I had that going for me.

“Alright, everybody,” Clyde addressed the group in a non-threatening voice, “let’s open up this evening by welcoming our newest member, Make-it Mavis.”

Silence. There were a few hesitant murmurs, so quiet that I definitely would not have heard them if the room was not already silent as the grave.

“Come on now,” Clyde prompted gently. “Say hello, everyone.”

I folded my arms and sighed. “They all knew I was coming,” I grumbled to Clyde, before saying to the group, “Yeah, I know. I’m here. And you don’t like it. Well, TS, ‘cause neither do I. Better learn to deal with it.”

“Actually,” Clyde responded, “there is some truth in what you’re saying, Mavis. None of us wanted to find ourselves in these situations, but everyone in this group did. And maybe we don’t understand each other as well as we could, but that’s just because we don’t know each other’s stories. That’s why we share them here, so we can recognize that addiction arises from a feeling that all living beings share -- pain. We are stronger against pain when we are united, rather than divided.”

There were a few appreciative claps. I wanted to blow my brains out.

“Everyone did know you were coming,” he told me. “But why don’t you give us an introduction in your own words? Maybe let us know why you’re here?”

He was already placing way too much trust in me. Still, I sighed loudly and stood, looking out over the group. Some were big, some were small, most I’d seen in passing, but all were looking at me with full understanding of who I was. An introduction felt superfluous and quite daunting at that point.

"You…" I said slowly, leading into a sigh. "You all know. Or you think you know. There's no point. Just-- just forget it and get this rollin', okay?"

I sat down.

There was no applause, not even awkward and scattered. There was only silence, while some glared at me and others squirmed anxiously. Even Clyde was silent for a moment, but I could see him studying me out of my peripheral.

He then spoke as pleasantly as ever, “You’re not feeling ready to share. That’s alright. Everyone’s expected to participate, but we go at our own pace. Remember that there are no judgments here, and nothing leaves this room.” He then addressed the group, “Why don’t we welcome our newest member with our own introductions? We’ll go clockwise from my left.”

The introductions began, and I made a painful effort to listen. For the most part, they seemed to be the same basic sob story. The unplugging on the 7th put the fear of Litwak in them, and buffs were the only way to escape the existential horrors they had been plunged into. It was supposed to make me feel welcome, but it seemed to just piss me off. It felt like a punishment. I was supposed to sit in a room with a bunch of random losers and pretend we were going through the same thing. All of them could go home after the meeting and have a life waiting for them in the morning. They had roles. They had purpose. They probably still had plenty of sprites who loved them. I didn’t see how I could stand to benefit from the same treatment as sprites who had not gone through the hell I did. Sprites who could walk down Game Central free from harassment or attempts on their life. Who were not being blamed for a tragedy they had nothing to do with. Whose dead best friend was not being remembered as the most hated, corrupt, murderous sprite in history, while they barely had the space to mourn.

But as they carried on, I began to hear things I didn't understand. There was grief in their voices. Some said that buffs were their only escape from how much they missed someone. They talked about loved ones and game mates being lost to the 'Roadblasters incident,' and at the time, it made no sense to me. Up until that point, I thought that you, the twins, and all of Roadblasters were the only casualties. But according to these sprites, some were 'mowed down,' 'caught in the blast,' or even 'burned to death.' Apparently, you'd killed a handful of innocent bystanders somehow, which is… I mean, I’m not gonna lie to you. 

That’s horrible.

Obviously, I remembered none of it. Well, I thought I didn’t. But there were things buried in my brain that burned like coals with every story that came. My mind didn't feel right, like it was suddenly struggling against the hold of reality, desperate to fly into another time. I felt so distressed by what I was hearing, so physically ill, that my sensitive, stretched-out code glitched slightly. Not enough for anyone to notice, but enough for my hand to clip into the seat of my chair where I was gripping.

That was just what I needed. Another way to humiliate myself. It kept me distracted from the harrowing stories, at least, as I tried to find a subtle way to tug my hand out of the pixels of the chair.

Then... she spoke.

The sound of one of the group member's voices startled me so deeply that my hand glitched free again. Her voice was not abrupt or loud or frightening -- in fact, it was fairly low, just a smoky, raspy mutter. But I felt it wriggle down into the crevices of my brain, trying to connect with a memory.

I looked at her, but it did not help much at first. I had never seen her before, as far as I could recall. She was a bipedal insect creature, modestly bigger than me, with a dull, lavender carapace and yellow wings folded behind her. She had huge red eyes that took up most of her head, but her tiny slit pupils never seemed to look my way. I still remember exactly what she said.

"My name's Worluk, and I'm an addict," she said, as if she had said it many times before. "Senseless violence killed a sprite I considered a sister. I can't just accept a reality where that's allowed to happen. Where someone so innocent can just die and there's nothing I can do about it. Everything's wrong. There's nothing I wouldn't do to make it right. Buffs took the edge off, but… they didn’t end up righting any wrongs."

As she spoke, I watched her serrated teeth and mandibles move, and stared at her weird spindly fingers that gave me some disembodied, distant ache. I knew her voice, I swore I did. But it sounded off-key. Out of context.

She finished her speech, "Committing crimes alone is one thing, but, then I got my friends involved and, y’know… that’s on me."

Then it hit me. It hit me like an ice-cold tidal wave made of everything I'd been through, everything that had led me to that moment. The nightmares. The trips. The echoing voice in my head that blamed me for your death. I should have recognized that voice the second I heard it.

It was hers.

My attacker, the ringleader of the attempt on my life in Dragon's Lair, that sick, disgusting psychopath who broke my brush and carved your name into my skin, was sitting just across the room from me.

The blood in my veins froze. My heart clenched. I could feel every sick, weak muscle in my body tighten with intent to spring, like an animal with prey in its sights. I stared at her, and she finally met my gaze coolly.

I thought getting through counselling was going to be hard before. I had no idea.

[samthemarvelfan]

Graveyard: Prologue

Summary: Waking up on a trash heap is never ideal. Getting imprisoned on a planet you’ve never heard of? That’s way worse. Ella was one of Asgard fiercest and most cunning protectors, but when Loki’s rebellion threatens her people’s safety, she’s made it her mission to do one thing and one thing only; kill him. By any means necessary. 

Pairing: Loki Odinson x OFC

Warnings: Imprisonment, fight scenes, general calamity, canon typical brouhaha. 

A/N: So idk where this is gonna go just yet, but here’s a lil tasty morsel. This is my first non-Bucky fic! and it features my first Marvel love--Loki <3 Tags are open :)

The acrid smell of rust and filth surrounded you as you woke.

Sitting up, you realize that, once again, you’d awoken in your cell. Wishful thinking kept alive the hope that this was all a dream.

“Raaagg!” The guard with the tentacles shouted as he chucked the tray of mush under your door.

You grimaced at the sight of the chunky grayish-blue mush. “Thanks a lot.” You mumble as he walks away.

“...asshole.”

The substance jiggled when you poked it. Begrudgingly, you spooned some into your mouth. How could something this color taste like rotten carrots?

“Morning, Ella.” Korg said through your bars.

You smiled halfheartedly at him. “Hi Korg. Where’s Miek?”

“Ah, he’s part of the welcome wagon today.” He said cheerfully. “I guess a special guest arrived last night.”

You nod, eating your mush. “Really? Who is it this time?” You didn’t care, it was just nice to have a conversation with someone who could actually speak your language.

“Not sure, you know. But rumor has it he’s a King.” He said.

Rolling your eyes, you looked to him, “Aren’t they all.” The words dripped with sarcasm.

“No. Not everyone.” He said plainly. Korg was a...simple guy, sarcasm often escaped him.

“I know, Korg...I—forget it. I’ll see you tomorrow?” You ask.

“Actually, rumor has it a few prisoners are being released to the work shed to make room for new ones. I put a good word in for you!” He said happily.

Your head perked up. “Really? Thank you, Korg!”

“No sweat. Well, I have to go draw and quarter some Skartelians. Bye-bye, then!”

When Korg had left your cell front, it was once again just you, your slop, and the first glimmer of hope you had. A chance to finally be out of this fresh hell.

You’d forgotten how long you’d been in this place; a week? Maybe two? A month?

The days were long and they all blurred together. Your only solace was plotting your revenge against that repulsive megalomaniac who put you here in the first place.

The day before your capture:

“We must get to Heimdall.” Sif whispered to you. “The people need to leave this place before he enslaves them all.”

Your bloodshot eyes scanned the area. The sound of the riots outside grew louder, and guards patrolled every exit.

Almost every one.

“Sif, look.” You said, nodding to the archway just off the main corridor.

Your stealth is something you were known for. Being as clever and cunning and careful as any warrior before you. Not only that, but Sif had been the one that trained you for battle. You were just as fierce and skilled as she was.

The cold stone of the pillar pressed against your back, “I’m going. One of us needs to tell Heimdall to open the bifrost.”

Loki had cloaked the palace in a spell, blinding those in and around it from Heimdall’s sight.

She nodded, “I’ll give you as much cover as I can.”

You crouched and rolled a ways to get to the next pillar. Your steps and movements were so light, not even you heard them.

The palace guards had just done a rotation to the next corridor, and that’s when you made your breakaway.

You slipped through the archway with ease and began running down the stairs. The cobbled flights of steps were your last hurdle, then it was just a long, but mad dash down the bridge to get to Heimdall.

“Going somewhere?”

You froze. Your foot had just touched the last step, but it was too late. You’d been caught...he had caught you.

“Hm, it looks like you are. Perhaps running to that golden eyed oaf to tell him what I’ve done?”

Loki.

You swallowed thickly.

“What’s the matter, darling? Cat got your tongue?” He smirked.

“Another cheap trick? Had to conjure up a spell because you couldn’t find me yourself?” You spat back at him.

Loki began circling you. When he was right behind you, he spoke next to your ear. “Why don’t you make a run for it and see?”

It was a test. But you knew Loki would never be out here, so close to the riots. The ‘scourge of the kingdom’ rebelling against his reign and rule over Asgard.

“Alright.” You turn quickly on your heel and sprint.

You made it 20 feet when a log appeared out of no where right under your feet. You hurdled forward, stumbling and rolling on the ground.

The slam of the dirt knocked the wind clean out of you.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk...” Loki tutted. “Next time toss a pebble. That’d be a much wiser test.”

You stood as quickly as you could, and charged him. “I’d rather toss a dagger.” Your blades dropped from your sleeves into your grasp.

Slashing at him, the blade narrowly missed his throat. He stepped back smoothly, circling himself around you, before casting his duplication spell.

Suddenly you were surrounded by dozens of him. Each of them taunting you.

“Come and get me.”

Slash

“I’m over here!”

Slash

“Did you miss me?”

All attempts futile. The God of Mischief certainly was worthy of the name.

“You coward! Fight me!” You shout.

In a snap, the copies disappeared. Loki stood behind you, and cleared his throat. “Would you really kill your King, Ellaria?” He asked, using your full name.

“I’m not loyal to a throne, nor am I loyal to a murderer.” You seethe breathlessly.

Loki’s jaw clenched as he took a step away from you.

“Guards?” He said simply.

Suddenly, a dozen Asgardian soldiers surrounded you. “Please escort this little minx to the dungeons.”

You were trapped. The golden men circled you as Loki watched, enjoying the torment.

“Ella! Now!” You heard Sif shout. She had her crossbow at the ready, and fired on the guards. At her fastest, she could fire 30 arrows a minute, plenty to take out a dozen guards.

In an instant, their shields went up, and Loki crouched behind them. “Stop her!” He shouted, staring at Sif.

“Loki...” you called.

He turned quickly, and you slashed you dagger across his face, leaving a small gash on his cheek bone.

His fingertips went to feel for blood, and sure enough, it began to drip.

Loki laughed, his teeth chewing on his lip.

“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?” You smirked.

You planted your boot on the shield of the guard next to you. They were all crouched so it was easier than expected. Backflipping out of the circle of them, you ran as fast as you could down the bridge, praying Loki’s spell didn’t cast that far.

“Heimdall! Heimdall!” You scream.

A quick glance over your shoulder confirms your wonder if you were being chased yet.

“Heimdall! Open the bifrost!” You’re screeching now.

Suddenly, the bridge shakes. He’d heard you!

“Ellaria, stop!” Loki shouts from behind you. You glance to see he’s on a horse, riding fast.

Your lungs expand once more, but before sound escapes you, you see a tidal way approaching you. Angry water pulled from the sea beneath you barreling down from behind you.

“Heimdall! Open the bifrost! Please!” You’re desperate. The maniac chasing you had indeed cast a spell; one to end your life. 

You watched as the bifrost began to spin, he’d heard you at last!

Suddenly the wave over took you, launching you down the length of the bridge towards Heimdall.

You were rolling and churning in the waters Loki had cast, running out of air fast.

You’d gotten sent so far by the massive wave, somehow you been forced past Heimdall and into the still-turning stream of light that was the bifrost.

The surge of energy sent your body into a whirlwind. You were soaring through the universe in an iridescent ray of light made of enough energy to light up a continent.

After what seemed like mere seconds, you felt yourself enter and atmosphere. Shortly after that, you’d landed on a pile of...trash?

The tingles rushing through your body drained you. You’d never been in the bifrost alone before, and it was clear your body couldn’t handle the amount of power surging around it.

Clicks and pops made you open your eyes. Shielding them from the sun with your hand, you found yourself surrounded by humanoid creatures of every size and color. 

They were speaking. Communicating to one another.

“Help me. Please help me.” You begged, hoping feigning weakness would stop any unwanted hostility.

The orange creature reached his hand out--a hand with eight fingers, and you took it. He hoisted you up to your feet, and gave you a half smile. 

“Thank you.”

He nodded, “Mezbanjala fo tutu.” He clicked his tongue quickly.

“I-I’m sorry, I don’t understand you.” You said, shaking your head.

The group of creatures eyes suddenly widened, and the lot of them began shouting and running away.

“Hey! Wha--”

You felt a sharp pain in your neck, and then everything went black.

[artificialqueens]

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, Chapter 2 (Crygi, Jan x Nicky) - Joley

ao3 link

tumblr link

Crystal had spent two days trying to figure out how to explain this new situation to Gigi. She considered testing the waters by joking about it, then thought maybe she should just rip the Band-Aid off and tell her outright. But any train of thought drove her right into a wall. And Jan wasn’t much help either.

“Maybe you could text her,” Jan had mused offhandedly. She was trying to help as much as she could – her suggestion was made while she was sitting in front of her laptop researching what actually went into planning a wedding, method acting, if you will. They were committed to this lie now, it seemed like there was no choice but to go all in.

“Text her?!” Crystal’s eyes were wide, she couldn’t possibly be serious. “I can’t just be like, ‘Hey Geege, Jan told Nicky we’re getting married lol T-T-Y-L and hope for the best.”

“Well, obviously not that, no one says T-T-Y-L anymore.”

“Jan!”

Jan sighed, spinning her desk chair around to face her. “I’m sorry, but I already have a lot of ground to cover. Telling Gigi is your job.”

Crystal threw her head back and whined. “But I don’t wanna.”

“Would you rather I do it?”

She quickly put her hands up in surrender. “No, no, I got it,” she assured. “She’s still at the studio, I’ll just… go there and tell her when she’s finished. I’ll call you if I need backup.”

“Get it done, sis.” Jan hummed before turning back to the screen, mumbling under her breath about how unreasonably expensive wedding bouquets are. “They’re flowers. Why would you pay that much for fucking flowers?”

And Crystal had hoped the walk she took from there to the studio would help her build her nerve, but she was hit with a new wave of anxiety the moment Gigi saw her.

Gigi waved her over, not straying from her work station. “I’ll be about another fifteen minutes or so, but you can just hang out if you don’t mind waiting.”

“Oh, yeah, no that’s fine,” she assured, sitting at one of the empty stations. On a normal day, she would enjoy watching Gigi at work. There was something almost magical about watching someone create art they were passionate about that Crystal found absolutely entrancing. Plus, it was Gigi – she could watch her read the phone book.

“So, what’s up with you?” Gigi asked casually, holding up two different types of lace against white fabric.

Crystal wasn’t sure what she opened her mouth to say, but she ended up blurting out, “We need to pretend to be getting married when Nicky comes here to visit Jan.”

That stopped Gigi in her tracks. She set the lace down and turned to face her friend. “I’m sorry, what?”

Crystal took a deep breath, feeling almost relieved that she had ripped the bandage off, but still worried that she wouldn’t be able to explain herself in a way that would actually get the other girl on board with this charade. “So… here’s the thing. Jan obviously really wants to see Nicky in person, but they haven’t been able to commit to a plan. So I, being the super smart person I am, suggested she tell her there’s an event coming up that she should fly out for. And… long story short that event is our wedding and now we’re along for the ride.”

Gigi blinked, taking the time to digest the information she received. “What the fuck, Crystal?” She pressed her lips together and shook her head. “Well, when’s the ‘wedding?’”

“In like, a month. Maybe two.”

With her lips still in a fine line, Gigi let out a strangled noise of frustration. “In a month or two,” she repeated, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment. “You know what? Fuck it, let’s do what we have to do.”

Crystal felt a massive weight lift from her chest and she exhaled deeply. “Really?”

“I mean, I’m never gonna let you hear the end of it, but yeah. Sure. Why not?” She shrugged. Glancing over at her dress, she decided she’d done enough work for the day. “I guess we better reconvene with Jan then.”

As she pushed herself back to her feet, Crystal still felt a little lightheaded. Sure, she was thanking every possible deity that Gigi was on board with this half-baked scheme, but now she would have far fewer chances to suppress and ignore her feelings. “Yeah, she’ll definitely appreciate that.”

When they did return to the apartment, Jan was still on her laptop in her room, deeply immersed in her research. It took Crystal and Gigi getting right in front of her for her to even become aware of her presence. “Oh, hey guys,” she greeted, setting her laptop next to her on the bed before looking at Crystal. “Did you tell her?”

“Very subtle, Jan,” Crystal retorted flatly. “But yes, I told her.”

“When did you tell Nicky to come here?” Gigi asked.

Jan shrugged. “I didn’t give a specific date yet. So, you know, work that out amongst yourselves. Also, you guys should get registered at some stores. At least that way if someone stumbles upon it, you could get like… a toaster or something.”

“I do love toast,” Gigi mused. “But I wanna know just how far we’re taking this. Like, are Crystal and I gonna pretend to get married? Do we break up? Or are you gonna wait til after you get Nicky in bed with you and then tell her the truth?”

“I… haven’t actually gotten that far yet,” she admitted. “I don’t think we should stage a fake wedding, though. Because then you guys are just gonna have to keep up the act indefinitely or get a fake divorce. We’ll work it out as we keep going.”

Crystal leaned against Jan’s desk, finally coming to terms with the fact that the three of them were definitely not backing out of this, that there was no chance of just scrapping the plan and calling it a day. “So other than that, what do we need to do?”

Jan picked her laptop back up. “We need to make a couple of invitations, I figure we could just get one or two free samples, just to send one to Nicky and keep one for our own records. Crystal needs to rent or borrow a dress, and we should probably go through the motions of planning a wedding without like, going fifty thousand dollars in debt.”

“Rings!” Gigi suddenly exclaimed. “What are we gonna do about rings? That’s a pretty fucking important part of being engaged.”

Crystal and Jan looked at each other, both of them searching for an answer, but there was the slightest bit of amusement in their expressions when it became clear that Gigi was now taking this as seriously as they were. “I’m sure we could get some convincing fake ones online. It’s not like she’s a professional jewelry appraiser,” Jan suggested.

“I’m not wearing something that’ll turn my finger green,” Gigi warned with a grave deadpan. “I’ll see if my mom has anything we can borrow. She has a collection of vintage and like, random, unique jewelry. I’m sure she’ll let me temporarily poach something off of her.”

Jan arched her brow. “So you’re gonna rope her into this too? Or are you gonna give her some other excuse?”

That gave Gigi pause, and she realized she was either going to bring another person into the party or dig all of them into a deeper hole. “I should probably just tell her,” she decided, the other two girls nodding in agreement.

“I would really like to watch this conversation take place,” Crystal piped up.

“Well, why don’t you guys do that? I’ve got a call with Nicky in ten,” Jan chimed in, looking at her phone.

“Well, far be it for us to interrupt your sexy Skype session,” Gigi retorted with a soft laugh. “Come, Crystal,” she curled her finger, and the two of them left Jan to her own devices.

Jan waved them off before getting up to fix her hair and makeup in the mirror, then moved her laptop to her desk so she could look at the screen dead-on. When she saw Nicky calling, she beamed brightly as she answered it. “Well damn, what sort of runway are you dressed up for?”

Nicky laughed and looked down. Her hair was styled up in a bouffant and the normally straight locks were in gentle waves. Her makeup – which Jan knew she did herself – was immaculate beyond reproach. “Don’t jinx it, I had my friend take some headshots for my portfolio today. So, fingers crossed there are runways in the future.”

“It’s basically a given, I can just tell,” Jan grinned, her elbows propped on her desk and face in her hands. The look in her eyes was full to the brim with enamored adoration; even she was surprised that Nicky hadn’t picked up on her feelings. “And then I’ll get to say I knew you way back when.”

“Bitch please,” she scoffed. “If I ever get famous, you know I’m flying your ass out here first class. It wouldn’t be fun without my sweet Janice by my side.”

She blushed, her hands moving from her face to stroke her ponytail. Hearing Nicky call her ‘hers’ in any capacity had her heart ready to leap right out of her chest. It was times like that that made her wonder if it would’ve been that crazy for her to profess her feelings, if she was building all of this fear and anxiety over owning her feelings for nothing. It sometimes felt like a declaration of love was dancing on the tip of her tongue, threatening to slip past her lips.

But nothing was ever enough to get her over that hurdle. Her stubborn fear of rejection outweighed even common sense. So, instead, she kept it sweet and vague. “Well, you know I’ll always be there whether you like it or not.”

“I’m offended you think there’s a chance I wouldn’t.” Nicky scoffed playfully. “Anyway, what have you been up to today?”

“Oh, just… helping the girls with planning and stuff.” It was technically true, so she counted it as one less lie she was telling her. She found that the easiest thing to do was to just keep the focus off herself until she felt more confident in this charade. “It’s just boring details really. Have you been working on learning any songs lately?”

Nicky shook her head. “Actually, I was hoping to convince you to sing for me,” she cooed, batting her lashes in an over-exaggerated manner.

It was a look that Jan was an undeniable sucker for that look, and she was certain that Nicky had figured out that much. “I suppose I could do that. Any requests?”

Nicky tilted her head, taking a moment to think. “Can you do that one from Grease? The magic one?”

Jan giggled softly, knowing she meant ‘Those Magic Changes.’ The song had been buried in her repertoire for ages until she’d stumbled upon a clip of her performing it in her freshman year of college. She’d sent it to Nicky, just thinking it’d be a cute throwback of sorts, but her penpal absolutely loved it, and brought it up every time she could. She didn’t quite get it, but she was thrilled that there was something she could do that would make her so happy. “For you? Of course.”

Once Jan found the karaoke version of the song on her phone, she played it and sang along, serenading Nicky as she’d done a number of times. While it was night time in France, it was still late afternoon for her, so she wasn’t concerned about the volume. Though, even if it had been later, she probably would have risked it – it just wouldn’t be the same if she used her ‘neighbor friendly’ voice.

Nicky applauded cheerfully when Jan finished. Her eyes were bright and warm with the enthusiasm of a child who just heard their favorite bedtime story despite getting it every night. It simply never got old for her. “You’re going to have to sing me to sleep every night once we’re in the same time zone,” she mused.

“You know I will,” Jan smiled softly, her mind conjuring up the image of the two of them laying in bed together, cuddled up close after a long day. Nicky would hold her in her arms while she sang to her, then fall asleep in her embrace, knowing she would sleep soundly because she got to wake up in her arms. She already knew what she smelled like, thanks to her scented letters, and longed to be able to wake up to it lingering on her skin instead of soaked into paper, she just yearned for the day where none of her senses were deprived of the other girl.

“You’re so good to me,” she cooed.

“That’s right, now I’m going to remind you to take that makeup off.” She chuckled. “It’s like, a quarter to eleven where you are, I don’t want you falling asleep with all that on.”

Nicky snorted softly. “There it is.” She rolled her eyes fondly, then reached across her desk. “I came prepared for this,” she explained, holding up a pack of makeup wipes. And, just to assure her she was actually following through, she took a wipe out and began cleaning off her face.

Jan grinned triumphantly. “See? I knew I’d start to rub off on you sooner or later.” Of course, she was guilty of just as many bad habits, if not more. But that was beside the point as far as she was concerned. Either way, she watched until Nicky had finished cleaning off her face, and she almost found it unfair that someone could be even more flawless underneath the makeup.

“Okay, I’m going to get ready for bed before you lecture me about that too,” Nicky teased. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, bye!” She blew a kiss at the screen before they ended the call.

After the call ended, Jan closed her laptop and got up to look in the mirror. She stared at herself, silently questioning why she was like this, so hopelessly taken with someone that it clouded her judgement, that she let thoughts of her cloud both her waking thoughts and her dreams. It was as frustrating and painful as it was intoxicatingly addictive.

The only thing that pulled Jan from her train of thoughts was her phone ringing, and she nearly dropped it as she got it out from her pocket. “What’s up, Crystal? Please tell me this isn’t a crisis call.”

“No, no, everything’s fine,” Crystal quickly assured. “We’re at Gigi’s mom’s house and she invited us to stay for dinner. So I won’t be back for like… another couple hours, give or take.”

“Oh, okay, cool. I take it the ring issue was taken care of?”

Crystal beamed, admiring the ring on her finger as if Gigi had actually proposed to her with it. “Everything’s fine on that front, trust me. I have to send you a picture of this, you’re gonna die.”

Jan laughed lightly. “I’m sure I will. Go ahead, then enjoy your dinner. Tell Mama Goode I said hi.”

“Can do,” Crystal assured before hanging up, her eyes still trained on the ring. The ring itself was rose gold, the band carved with vine-like design. The diamond at the center was square-cut and surrounded by tiny, round diamonds. While just towing the line of being over-the-top, it had the sort of unique, quirky vibe that made it perfect for someone like her.

“It’s like it was made for you,” Gigi had told her when she picked it out. “It’s actually kind of spooky.” She had picked out a ring for herself as well, one that had more of an antique aesthetic that she appreciated. It was gold with diamonds embedded along the band, centering an ornately-bordered radiant-cut diamond. It wasn’t as flashy as Crystal’s, but she was drawn to the details in the ring.

When they put their left hands on the table next to each other, they noted that there weren’t any significant similarities between what they’d chosen, but both of their personalities seemed properly represented. “We should have a little hand-modeling shoot for this,” Gigi mused, figuring she could ask her mom for help with that as well. They had explained their circumstances right away, and much to their relief, Gigi’s mom had found their story to be very funny and agreed to help however they needed under the condition that she could retell the tale once everything was over with. Crystal was happy to agree to these conditions, while Gigi did so more reluctantly.

Crystal wouldn’t admit as much, but as she sat down for dinner with the Goodes, it felt all too right. Like she was just having a meal with her future wife and mother-in-law, the energy that flowed among the three of them was always so calm and natural, even-keeled and even quiet at times. It was a stark contrast from her own family dinners in both positive and negative ways. But when it came down to it, what stood out the most to her was that she felt so perfectly at home with them, she couldn’t help but wish this at least felt fake. It would be easier to bear when it was all over.

[missjanjie]

Signed, Sealed, Delivered | (2/?)

Title: Signed, Sealed, Delivered Summary:   Jan is in love with her French pen pal, Nicky. Her roommate, Crystal, is in love with her best friend, Gigi. A (perhaps ill-thought out) plan emerges: give Nicky a reason to visit by inviting her to Crystal and Gigi’s wedding. With a month to pull the scheme together, no one knows how this will end up. Word Count: 2.9k (this chapter) / 5.8k (total) Relationship(s): Sportsdoll (Jan Sport/Nicky Doll), Crygi (Crystal Methyd/Gigi Goode Rating: T (so far)

Read on AO3

and thanks to @janssports for beta-ing~

-

Crystal had spent two days trying to figure out how to explain this new situation to Gigi. She considered testing the waters by joking about it, then thought maybe she should just rip the Band-Aid off and tell her outright. But any train of thought drove her right into a wall. And Jan wasn’t much help either.

“Maybe you could text her,” Jan had mused offhandedly. She was trying to help as much as she could – her suggestion was made while she was sitting in front of her laptop researching what actually went into planning a wedding, method acting, if you will. They were committed to this lie now, it seemed like there was no choice but to go all in.

“Text her?!” Crystal’s eyes were wide, she couldn’t possibly be serious. “I can’t just be like, ‘Hey Geege, Jan told Nicky we’re getting married lol T-T-Y-L and hope for the best.”

“Well, obviously not that, no one says T-T-Y-L anymore.”

“Jan!”

Jan sighed, spinning her desk chair around to face her. “I’m sorry, but I already have a lot of ground to cover. Telling Gigi is your job.”

Crystal threw her head back and whined. “But I don’t wanna.”

“Would you rather I do it?”

She quickly put her hands up in surrender. “No, no, I got it,” she assured. “She’s still at the studio, I’ll just… go there and tell her when she’s finished. I’ll call you if I need backup.”

“Get it done, sis.” Jan hummed before turning back to the screen, mumbling under her breath about how unreasonably expensive wedding bouquets are. “They’re flowers. Why would you pay that much for fucking flowers?”

And Crystal had hoped the walk she took from there to the studio would help her build her nerve, but she was hit with a new wave of anxiety the moment Gigi saw her.

Gigi waved her over, not straying from her work station. “I’ll be about another fifteen minutes or so, but you can just hang out if you don’t mind waiting.”

“Oh, yeah, no that’s fine,” she assured, sitting at one of the empty stations. On a normal day, she would enjoy watching Gigi at work. There was something almost magical about watching someone create art they were passionate about that Crystal found absolutely entrancing. Plus, it was Gigi – she could watch her read the phone book.

“So, what’s up with you?” Gigi asked casually, holding up two different types of lace against white fabric.

Crystal wasn’t sure what she opened her mouth to say, but she ended up blurting out, “We need to pretend to be getting married when Nicky comes here to visit Jan.”

That stopped Gigi in her tracks. She set the lace down and turned to face her friend. “I’m sorry, what?”

Crystal took a deep breath, feeling almost relieved that she had ripped the bandage off, but still worried that she wouldn’t be able to explain herself in a way that would actually get the other girl on board with this charade. “So… here’s the thing. Jan obviously really wants to see Nicky in person, but they haven’t been able to commit to a plan. So I, being the super smart person I am, suggested she tell her there’s an event coming up that she should fly out for. And… long story short that event is our wedding and now we’re along for the ride.”

Gigi blinked, taking the time to digest the information she received. “What the fuck, Crystal?” She pressed her lips together and shook her head. “Well, when’s the ‘wedding?’”

“In like, a month. Maybe two.”

With her lips still in a fine line, Gigi let out a strangled noise of frustration. “In a month or two,” she repeated, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment. “You know what? Fuck it, let’s do what we have to do.”

Crystal felt a massive weight lift from her chest and she exhaled deeply. “Really?”

“I mean, I’m never gonna let you hear the end of it, but yeah. Sure. Why not?” She shrugged. Glancing over at her dress, she decided she’d done enough work for the day. “I guess we better reconvene with Jan then.”

As she pushed herself back to her feet, Crystal still felt a little lightheaded. Sure, she was thanking every possible deity that Gigi was on board with this half-baked scheme, but now she would have far fewer chances to suppress and ignore her feelings. “Yeah, she’ll definitely appreciate that.”

When they did return to the apartment, Jan was still on her laptop in her room, deeply immersed in her research. It took Crystal and Gigi getting right in front of her for her to even become aware of her presence. “Oh, hey guys,” she greeted, setting her laptop next to her on the bed before looking at Crystal. “Did you tell her?”

“Very subtle, Jan,” Crystal retorted flatly. “But yes, I told her.”

“When did you tell Nicky to come here?” Gigi asked.

Jan shrugged. “I didn’t give a specific date yet. So, you know, work that out amongst yourselves. Also, you guys should get registered at some stores. At least that way if someone stumbles upon it, you could get like… a toaster or something.”

“I do love toast,” Gigi mused. “But I wanna know just how far we’re taking this. Like, are Crystal and I gonna pretend to get married? Do we break up? Or are you gonna wait til after you get Nicky in bed with you and then tell her the truth?”

“I… haven’t actually gotten that far yet,” she admitted. “I don’t think we should stage a fake wedding, though. Because then you guys are just gonna have to keep up the act indefinitely or get a fake divorce. We’ll work it out as we keep going.”

Crystal leaned against Jan’s desk, finally coming to terms with the fact that the three of them were definitely not backing out of this, that there was no chance of just scrapping the plan and calling it a day. “So other than that, what do we need to do?”

Jan picked her laptop back up. “We need to make a couple of invitations, I figure we could just get one or two free samples, just to send one to Nicky and keep one for our own records. Crystal needs to rent or borrow a dress, and we should probably go through the motions of planning a wedding without like, going fifty thousand dollars in debt.”

“Rings!” Gigi suddenly exclaimed. “What are we gonna do about rings? That’s a pretty fucking important part of being engaged.”

Crystal and Jan looked at each other, both of them searching for an answer, but there was the slightest bit of amusement in their expressions when it became clear that Gigi was now taking this as seriously as they were. “I’m sure we could get some convincing fake ones online. It’s not like she’s a professional jewelry appraiser,” Jan suggested.

“I’m not wearing something that’ll turn my finger green,” Gigi warned with a grave deadpan. “I’ll see if my mom has anything we can borrow. She has a collection of vintage and like, random, unique jewelry. I’m sure she’ll let me temporarily poach something off of her.”

Jan arched her brow. “So you’re gonna rope her into this too? Or are you gonna give her some other excuse?”

That gave Gigi pause, and she realized she was either going to bring another person into the party or dig all of them into a deeper hole. “I should probably just tell her,” she decided, the other two girls nodding in agreement.

“I would really like to watch this conversation take place,” Crystal piped up.

“Well, why don’t you guys do that? I’ve got a call with Nicky in ten,” Jan chimed in, looking at her phone.

“Well, far be it for us to interrupt your sexy Skype session,” Gigi retorted with a soft laugh. “Come, Crystal,” she curled her finger, and the two of them left Jan to her own devices.

Jan waved them off before getting up to fix her hair and makeup in the mirror, then moved her laptop to her desk so she could look at the screen dead-on. When she saw Nicky calling, she beamed brightly as she answered it. “Well damn, what sort of runway are you dressed up for?”

Nicky laughed and looked down. Her hair was styled up in a bouffant and the normally straight locks were in gentle waves. Her makeup – which Jan knew she did herself – was immaculate beyond reproach. “Don’t jinx it, I had my friend take some headshots for my portfolio today. So, fingers crossed there are runways in the future.”

“It’s basically a given, I can just tell,” Jan grinned, her elbows propped on her desk and face in her hands. The look in her eyes was full to the brim with enamored adoration; even she was surprised that Nicky hadn’t picked up on her feelings. “And then I’ll get to say I knew you way back when.”

“Bitch please,” she scoffed. “If I ever get famous, you know I’m flying your ass out here first class. It wouldn’t be fun without my sweet Janice by my side.”

She blushed, her hands moving from her face to stroke her ponytail. Hearing Nicky call her ‘hers’ in any capacity had her heart ready to leap right out of her chest. It was times like that that made her wonder if it would’ve been that crazy for her to profess her feelings, if she was building all of this fear and anxiety over owning her feelings for nothing. It sometimes felt like a declaration of love was dancing on the tip of her tongue, threatening to slip past her lips.

But nothing was ever enough to get her over that hurdle. Her stubborn fear of rejection outweighed even common sense. So, instead, she kept it sweet and vague. “Well, you know I’ll always be there whether you like it or not.”

“I’m offended you think there’s a chance I wouldn’t.” Nicky scoffed playfully. “Anyway, what have you been up to today?”

“Oh, just… helping the girls with planning and stuff.” It was technically true, so she counted it as one less lie she was telling her. She found that the easiest thing to do was to just keep the focus off herself until she felt more confident in this charade. “It’s just boring details really. Have you been working on learning any songs lately?”

Nicky shook her head. “Actually, I was hoping to convince you to sing for me,” she cooed, batting her lashes in an over-exaggerated manner.

It was a look that Jan was an undeniable sucker for that look, and she was certain that Nicky had figured out that much. “I suppose I could do that. Any requests?”

Nicky tilted her head, taking a moment to think. “Can you do that one from Grease? The magic one?”

Jan giggled softly, knowing she meant ‘Those Magic Changes.’ The song had been buried in her repertoire for ages until she’d stumbled upon a clip of her performing it in her freshman year of college. She’d sent it to Nicky, just thinking it’d be a cute throwback of sorts, but her penpal absolutely loved it, and brought it up every time she could. She didn’t quite get it, but she was thrilled that there was something she could do that would make her so happy. “For you? Of course.”

Once Jan found the karaoke version of the song on her phone, she played it and sang along, serenading Nicky as she’d done a number of times. While it was night time in France, it was still late afternoon for her, so she wasn’t concerned about the volume. Though, even if it had been later, she probably would have risked it – it just wouldn’t be the same if she used her ‘neighbor friendly’ voice.

Nicky applauded cheerfully when Jan finished. Her eyes were bright and warm with the enthusiasm of a child who just heard their favorite bedtime story despite getting it every night. It simply never got old for her. “You’re going to have to sing me to sleep every night once we’re in the same time zone,” she mused.

“You know I will,” Jan smiled softly, her mind conjuring up the image of the two of them laying in bed together, cuddled up close after a long day. Nicky would hold her in her arms while she sang to her, then fall asleep in her embrace, knowing she would sleep soundly because she got to wake up in her arms. She already knew what she smelled like, thanks to her scented letters, and longed to be able to wake up to it lingering on her skin instead of soaked into paper, she just yearned for the day where none of her senses were deprived of the other girl.

“You’re so good to me,” she cooed.

“That’s right, now I’m going to remind you to take that makeup off.” She chuckled. “It’s like, a quarter to eleven where you are, I don’t want you falling asleep with all that on.”

Nicky snorted softly. “There it is.” She rolled her eyes fondly, then reached across her desk. “I came prepared for this,” she explained, holding up a pack of makeup wipes. And, just to assure her she was actually following through, she took a wipe out and began cleaning off her face.

Jan grinned triumphantly. “See? I knew I’d start to rub off on you sooner or later.” Of course, she was guilty of just as many bad habits, if not more. But that was beside the point as far as she was concerned. Either way, she watched until Nicky had finished cleaning off her face, and she almost found it unfair that someone could be even more flawless underneath the makeup.

“Okay, I’m going to get ready for bed before you lecture me about that too,” Nicky teased. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, bye!” She blew a kiss at the screen before they ended the call.

After the call ended, Jan closed her laptop and got up to look in the mirror. She stared at herself, silently questioning why she was like this, so hopelessly taken with someone that it clouded her judgement, that she let thoughts of her cloud both her waking thoughts and her dreams. It was as frustrating and painful as it was intoxicatingly addictive.

The only thing that pulled Jan from her train of thoughts was her phone ringing, and she nearly dropped it as she got it out from her pocket. “What’s up, Crystal? Please tell me this isn’t a crisis call.”

“No, no, everything’s fine,” Crystal quickly assured. “We’re at Gigi’s mom’s house and she invited us to stay for dinner. So I won’t be back for like… another couple hours, give or take.”

“Oh, okay, cool. I take it the ring issue was taken care of?”

Crystal beamed, admiring the ring on her finger as if Gigi had actually proposed to her with it. “Everything’s fine on that front, trust me. I have to send you a picture of this, you’re gonna die.”

Jan laughed lightly. “I’m sure I will. Go ahead, then enjoy your dinner. Tell Mama Goode I said hi.”

“Can do,” Crystal assured before hanging up, her eyes still trained on the ring. The ring itself was rose gold, the band carved with vine-like design. The diamond at the center was square-cut and surrounded by tiny, round diamonds. While just towing the line of being over-the-top, it had the sort of unique, quirky vibe that made it perfect for someone like her.

“It’s like it was made for you,” Gigi had told her when she picked it out. “It’s actually kind of spooky.” She had picked out a ring for herself as well, one that had more of an antique aesthetic that she appreciated. It was gold with diamonds embedded along the band, centering an ornately-bordered radiant-cut diamond. It wasn’t as flashy as Crystal’s, but she was drawn to the details in the ring.

When they put their left hands on the table next to each other, they noted that there weren’t any significant similarities between what they’d chosen, but both of their personalities seemed properly represented. “We should have a little hand-modeling shoot for this,” Gigi mused, figuring she could ask her mom for help with that as well. They had explained their circumstances right away, and much to their relief, Gigi’s mom had found their story to be very funny and agreed to help however they needed under the condition that she could retell the tale once everything was over with. Crystal was happy to agree to these conditions, while Gigi did so more reluctantly.

Crystal wouldn’t admit as much, but as she sat down for dinner with the Goodes, it felt all too right. Like she was just having a meal with her future wife and mother-in-law, the energy that flowed among the three of them was always so calm and natural, even-keeled and even quiet at times. It was a stark contrast from her own family dinners in both positive and negative ways. But when it came down to it, what stood out the most to her was that she felt so perfectly at home with them, she couldn’t help but wish this at least felt fake. It would be easier to bear when it was all over.

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told

Spoilers up to Chapter 37 of Baghdad Waltz

Hi everyone,

I’m so very sorry for being so late with getting Chapter 38 out. Writing that Spent Brass put a delay in everything, though it was really crucial to get it posted before this next chapter.

This has been a really tough chapter to get right for me. I’ve gone back to the drawing board more than once for a couple scenes. I’m not sure when it will be out, but I’m working on it daily and making some good progress. Thank you for sending me your words of encouragement and letting me know you’re thinking of me! I’m thinking of you too and know you’re really looking forward to more. It will be a doozy, in terms of content, so I hope it’s worth the wait.

In horrifying news, BW is turning THREE YEARS OLD on March 13th. Kill me. (But not before I finish this fucking thing.)

In the meantime, here are some answers to some Asks-------

Thank you so much for the very kind words. I’m so pleased that this story checks off so many of your boxes, and I’m relieved to know that the structure and methods I’ve chosen for storytelling have lent to a balanced narrative where you can appreciate both of these characters. I figure people don’t have to like each character equally, or at all. I just really want their choices make sense, for each character to have a distinct psychology, to have each action and reaction be believable, even if it is infuriating or illogical (it can still fall within the character’s internal logic, based on their own worldview). And I am so honored that this fic can serve as some inspiration for your own. God knows I have mine I go to on the reg when my stuff sucks and I can’t string two words together to save my life.

This is a deceptively silly question, I think (because I can’t keep anything simple). Working out together would be a nice little nostalgic throwback, wouldn’t it? I sometimes pop back to earlier chapters when they were in Baghdad and think about those times with a wistful smile. I think about the way they related, the way they looked, the relative lack of complications in their lives, and it’s such a profound departure from the way things are now.

Steve obviously has kept up his gym going with Matt. We’ve also seen that working out for him is about more than just being swole and hawt; it’s about control and regulating his emotions. And for Bucky, working out used to be a way of maintaining peak fitness for his career, which was one of the ways that he evaluated his self-esteem. If he was fit, he had value. Also, if he was fit, he was sexy, and we know that sexual capability is also one of the primary currencies he uses to determine his self-worth. He also used the construction of his physique as a way to develop his masculinity, the correct form of [gay] masculinity, rather than being a twink or a sissy. This was always a struggle against Bucky’s natural slim body composition, which has become his default again now that he’s been out of the military.

Now Bucky faces a couple of hurdles to exercise, whether he would do it for health or for building his physique. He has the challenges brought about by his many injuries - compromised grip in his left hand due to his massive forearm injuries and inconsistent rehabilitation efforts, ongoing pain in his right foot and a continued limp from that, significant back and hip pain due to very heavy load bearing and overcompensation from his foot injury. This would make it challenging for him to engage in any intense fitness program. What he really needs is to go back to physical therapy, and probably occupational therapy as well, but last time didn’t go so hot last time.

Even if he didn’t have to contend with his injuries, Bucky is at a bit of a crossroads in terms of how much energy he wants to put into rebuilding and maintaining his ideal physical self, which seems to be based on some prototype he picked up long ago (more on that in a future chapter). No chest hair, no body fat, muscles, a perfectly shaved asshole at all times… But he’s not 21 anymore. He has a boyfriend now. And even though he’d probably love to go to the gym to shoulder in on Steve’s time with Matt, I wonder if he would want to go for himself anymore. I wonder if going with Steve would be intimidating or make him feel pressured to fall back into his old patterns. Because now at least he has the excuse that he can’t lift heavy, that he can’t run, so he might as well not even try. But if he could, it would be interesting to see where his path would go as a 31-year-old man.

See? You thought it would be a simple “Yeah, there’re totes gonna go to the gym together, chapter 41, stay tuned!” or “No, probs not, I don’t think he’s much of a gym goer anymore.” Alas. I give no simple answers. This is why you have to wait 5 months for a BW chapter.

This is a good observation. Bucky loves himself a good drunk pizza. He also watches a lot of food-related TV when he drinks. Bucky has had to think a lot about food for various reasons. One is building muscle and physique when his body is telling him NO I WILL NOT. One is not eating so that he can get drunk faster. One is eating the right kind of diet so that he can have anal sex without having to worry about digestive issues (constipation, feeling too full, not being ‘ready,’ too much or too little shitting), which is a thing he would take seriously a hardcore bottom. I see things like pizza as a comfort food, family food, something Winnie would get for them every Friday night after they moved to New York. It’s a very emotional food for him, but he knows it’s “bad” for all of the aforementioned reasons, because it will make you fat and slow your buzz and stuff up your colon, so he might be most inclined to eat it when deep in a bender and doesn’t give a shit about those other things. Because Bucky not only drinks to forget and manage intense emotions, but he drinks also to just relax the relentless march of self-perpetuated, often absurd rules about what and who he is and what he can and should do. So yes, Bucky has some disordered eating, most of it functional, though a lot of his lack of eating recently is likely anxiety-related and/or stomach illness-related.

Another excellent observation. For those who might need a refresher, since this was in chapter 36:

The morning after Bucky shows up at Steve’s drunk and they have sex and many revelations are made about drinking during their relationship, Bucky gets honest about what happened the day before. He tells Steve:  “I had my interview. It— I really don’t know how it went. I was so out of it. I’ve been so fucked up these past couple weeks. Just— it’s been bad. Really bad.” He tells the story of what happened at Scott’s. Steve asks why Bucky didn’t tell him he was struggling, and Bucky says that he didn’t want to get into it. Steve shifts in to talking about whether they should get back together.

I think there are a couple things here I could say. Yes, Bucky saying that he’s struggling is an example of some unusually straight-forward honesty that’s also a personal risk for himself. That’s a real measure of progress! But while I think this honesty is something that’s pretty new, the fact that he’s in a bad place mentally is not new information to Steve. I think back to the chapter before, after Bucky’s PT appointment with Luke, where he was clearly very distraught and having an extremely difficult time. Steve couldn’t get him to say what was happening then, but it was clear that it was something very major.  So I don’t think this really felt to him like a major revelation, like Bucky’s really been holding it all together perfectly while imploding on the inside. I think this observation was more like, why didn’t you just TELL me you were struggling rather than having to have me wonder and then get wasted and come here drunk? Steve has a long history of asking Bucky if he’s okay and getting the brushoff. He’s probably starting to get tired of always asking and getting shot down.

Another part of your question is also very valid - is this the right time to get into a relationship??  Haha. Ha. Well, nobody said these two were good at making relationship decisions. But on a more serious note, Bucky having struggles is not only not new information for this month, it’s not new information for their relationship. Bucky has always had a secret life of pain that Steve has had to wonder about, ask about, beg to be let into, and he probably figures that one of the best ways he can affect change is if they’re in a romantic relationship. It will let him get close, give him some leverage, etc. So although it might come off as callous, Bucky’s struggles are the rule rather than the exception, and Steve probably figures he needs to get this relationship locked down so that he can get them into therapy and much-needed help.

Of course, there’s plenty of dramatic irony here, right? Steve doesn’t know what we know, which is that what Bucky is struggling with here is the REALLY BIG STUFF. He probably just thinks it’s his usual stuff. So. We’ll see where that goes. Bucky is going to maintain this illusion for as long as he possibly can.

Yes, @pitchforkcentral86​ and I had several conversations about whether Bucky should have an animal. It’s a common trope in fic, and a joyful one to read. (Omg, I didn’t know about Alpine until now and I am thrilled!) And yes, service dogs, emotional support animals, therapy animals, pets, they can all be very healing, can provide meaning and purpose, and can also help to structure the lives of people who feel destabilized in various ways.

However, I have held back on giving Bucky an animal because a) his aforementioned history with animals, and b) I’m not sure if that’s what he needs at this point in his journey. I do really think Bucky has some sort of healing that needs to take place around animals. He loves animals. He loves nature and is a true soft boy (TM) who has been deeply hurt by his experiences. It was very inconsistent with his values to do the things he did, see the things he saw, and it’s so painful that he doesn’t know how to reconcile it.

But he’s in such a precarious place now emotionally, with such low resources, and he can barely even share the smallest pieces himself with other humans. People are a lot more complicated, yes, but animals are a lot of responsibility. He would be so hard on himself if he didn’t do a good job, if he didn’t react well to his animal companion, etc. And I think it would probably be more bang for his buck to devote that energy to trying to increasing his emotional intimacy with his partner or his sponsor or other important humans in his life who are asking for his trust. He could GO BACK TO THERAPY EVEN.  

I do think something that would potentially be helpful and pretty low resource cost is to have a therapy animal in his life, like something he could go periodically, a therapy dog at the VA or something he could visit and pet once in a while. It would be a good start.

But that’s just my thinking for this character specifically. I think service/emotional support/therapy animals are wonderful and can create incredible bridges for people to improving their quality of life.

Well, that’s all for now! I will continue plugging away at BW and will get it to you as soon as I can. Thank you, as ever, for your patience! And thank you for the wonderful Asks <3 <3 <3

[hellishvu]

Imagine BTS (maknae line): when they are inexperienced with luv

— this SHIT IS SO CUTE, TELL ME WHY IM CRYING but while i have a massive breakdown i also wanted to kinda experiment with texts/media in my imagines because they are rlly rlly fun to make!! also there is one sex joke in this, obviously it’s not meant to be taken serious just for a giggle.

Park Jimin: ˚✧₊⁎

Jimin had a mission, he bought the empty scrapbook and the obnoxious amount of crafting paper full of floral prints and poke a dots. The amount of glue on his hands when you two had a first, it was... uh annoying but the final product was always worth it.

Like that one time you two went on a date, for the first time. He pulled out his old dusty Polaroid camera that he bought on instinct. You squeezed his hand walking down the streets of his hometown. Pointing out things you’ve never knew were there, while Jimin took photos of you pointing them out seeing your bright smile. That page was filled of purple themes and the receipts of the snacks you two bought together.

Or like that one time when you kissed him on the side of the beach that you drove hours just to get to. Jimin dropped his camera when you pulled him close to you pressing your lips against his, slowly closing his eyes before wrapping his arms around you letting just one tear spill from his eyes. The page was filled of sea shells he got from the beach, the photos of the ocean waves and you posing with him as you took the photo.

There was a time when you made him a playlist of songs that reminded you of him, and dear god he cherished that playlist like it was the only playlist that existed in the world. The small giggles and the flustered Jimin as he heard lyrics. Since there wasn’t room on the page to fit in all the songs, he picked his favorite songs and the lyric that made his stomach fill with butterflies.

This scrapbook was a one time thing, he simply can’t imagine doing it for anyone else. You were his first and maybe this was creepy he thought. Just recording all of the memories together, maybe you thought he couldn’t live in the moment that he always had to record but that ended quickly when you sent him a video edit of you recording him. Jimin tears up when he recognized the song instantly, the one being on the playlist.

The videos were filled of kisses, whining from Jimin, him kissing your cheek, full of mukbang moments of him shoving his mouth before blushing when he saw you recording, and when you caught Jimin looking around vulnerable was the word to describe what he looked like. It was almost a month since you two started dating but there was already so many first’s.

Of course there were first’s that were a bit scary, like going to his concert for the first time. Holy shit the amount of people and you got special tickets to the front of the stage. Seeing so many people cheer on your boyfriend and the members, I mean he told you he was famous but not worldwide! The adventure of just buying a lightstick that Jimin said was important to get, so waiting in line for 3 hours to get a lightstick was just the beginning.

Of course Jimin said he would pay for everything you just needed to say the special word to the cashier and they will bill it to him. Of course you bought... all the available Jimin merch possible just to show your support to him.

After the concert you waited till you got escorted to the back of the stage seeing Jimin sweating, you gave him your water bottle seeing he needed it way more than you did. You pulled him into a hug being the most proud boyfriend in the entire universe. All of the members could see just by the little interactions that you two were made for each other. 

“Scrap booking will have to wait for tomorrow or the next few days till I can feel my legs again.” Jimin chuckled seeing your little Jimin fan and Jimin poster peeking out of your clear bag. Jimin widen his eyes seeing the legendary scrapbook in your bag, disguising it with a blanket.

“Thought you might want to take this with you while on tour.” You smiled giving it to him seeing him frown already missing you even though he hasn’t left.

Kim Taehyung: ˚✧₊⁎

Taehyung got the courage from many of his members to ask you out. He pulled you away for a second while you were on a break at work. You questioned what he was doing here because he hadn’t talked to you since forever.

The reason for the distance was because one night while you two were out, drinks were being shared and intoxication was a main part of the event. Next thing Taehyung knows he woke up next to you in shock. Taehyung did like you like... a lot but this wasn’t the way he wanted to confess to you while he vomited his guts out on the toilet seat. So he left and he thought you two ever being a couple was history now. Distancing himself even though all of his members told him to just talk to you but he ignored their advice till he saw you with another guy. In reality you two were just friends but Taehyung’s head was like a ping pong machines with the possibility of you and that guy.

“Taehyung what are you doing here?” You asked still having your cheesy work uniform. You could see the nervousness on his entire face and body posture. “Here we can go in the back if you want.” You pulling him behind your workplace to get some privacy. Taehyung paced around you making you dizzy trying to keep up with him.

“Okay, uh- You’re gorgeous. No. Wait I mean you are but that’s not what i’m trying to say.” Taehyung sighs covering his eyes feeling the heat rise up.

“I like you! I want to do all those couple things, I want to kiss you, I want to hug you all the time, and I want you to be my boyfriend.” Taehyung quickly releases all his built up feelings.

“Yeah I want that too.”

“And I know that like I left you on seen in life when we hooked u- Wait you feel the same?” Taehyung jumped up his poor heart bouncing all around.

“Yes, I’ve liked you since you brought me to your concert. I want to be your boyfriend.” Taehyung gasps out, remembering how long ago that was. You two were like jumping through hurdles, trying to see who would confess first.

“I can get someone to cover my shift if you want to go out and get some ramen.” You smiled. Taehyung nodding, you left to tell your boss while Taehyung was spamming the group chat of how he has a boyfriend finally.

“Well I got an okay! Let’s go even though I smell like smoothies and organic fruits.” You chuckled queuing for Taehyung to walk with you to your car.

You two walked in but before that you had to adjust your outfit and your hair wanting to look nicer for Taehyung since this is the first date. You and Taehyung sat a booth looking at each other. To strangers you two already looked like a couple for years rather than minutes. The waiter came around snapping both of you two out of luv world.

“Yes, I would like to order pho and for my boyfriend he would like ramen.” Taehyung said eyeing you, seeing your massive grin. You could get used to being showed off, maybe Taehyung already was the one, it felt like it in your soul.

Jeon Jungkook: ˚✧₊⁎

Jungkook finally got time in his schedule to have a sleepover at your house, Jungkook would love if you could meet the members but he felt that it was too early for you to meet them. He didn’t want to overwhelm you with meeting so many important people in his life. You were excited to have your very first sleepover with him, to be able to see him in a more vulnerable state was all you could think about.

The way you thought about him sleeping next to you, feeling his heartbeat when you pull him closer just so you can feel his body next to yours. You were his first boyfriend, just asking him out was an adventure itself because Jungkook spent much of his time conflicting with himself when he said yes then no... then back to yes. It was scary for Jungkook as dating anyone in general of gender he always questioned what would happen? I think he thought his sweaty hands, stuttering sentences, and blushing moments were just because he thought he wasn’t comfortable with you but that theory was shut down quickly because he knew he that was wrong.

Jungkook knocked on the door but you knew that someday Jungkook would just enter as he pleases being completely comfortable with you. You walked to the peephole to see Jungkook with his pajamas already on, but he hide himself with a black hoodie that was probably two size larger than regular. Seeing a massive army bag behind him that was the size of him.

You unlocked the door opening it to see Jungkook looking around before he noticed that you opened the door. Jungkook smiles widely walking in, giving you a hug. You had trouble hugging him back due to his bag that looked like he filled it with his entire house.

“What do you have in there Kook?” You asked making Jungkook look at the bag before setting it down on the ground, sitting on one of your armchairs basically opening the pandora’s box which would be his backpack.

“So I brought many things such as movies, clothes, snacks, and board games.” Jungkook pulling out each item showing it off before setting it down on the coffee table.

You had netflix but you didn’t tell him since he brought such a wide collection of anime love movies to horror movies. You smiled seeing the many changes of clothes wondering if he was going to spend more than one night with you.

“Wait board games?”

“Yeah! Like Jenga, Twister, and Life! I also brought pillows, blankets, and condoms-” You choked on the glass of water that you were drinking when Jungkook had mentioned the last part. Jungkook looked up in concern seeing you in a coughing fit.

“Condoms- Jungkook we- We’ve been dating for 2 weeks-” You said in between the coughs. Jungkook looking up wondering if this a thing couples do. Maybe you were his first romantic interest ever. I mean he told you, you are his first boyfriend but you never thought his first first romantic relationship.

“Yeah but I didn’t know when that comes to play.” Jungkook explained pulling out more boxes of condoms making your face heat up, trying to cover them. You felt exposed even though no one was in the room besides you two.

“Okay Kook, we aren’t going to do that tonight. You will know when the time is right, but just because we both are guys doesn’t mean we are going to go at like rabbits every second.” You explained to him holding his hand, you saw that he also heated up realizing that maybe he was jumping the gun with that. I mean he wasn’t forcing the intimate moment onto you he was just purely confused and you could tell just by his face. Jungkook learned that he was fine with kissing and holding hands, that is all he needed in his life. 

“Also why is there 6 boxes of them?!”

[nadziejastar]

You know, I really wouldn't have cared if this girl had her own adjacent subplot dealing with her memories and the age of fairy tales. It doesn’t sound very interesting to me personally, but whatever. I wouldn’t have even cared if she was an acquaintance of Lea and Isa because they were ALL test subjects (not besties, though). So, yeah I guess I think it was possible that they both could have been “Subject X”. Of course, in KH “X” is not a random letter. It is associated with the Recusant’s Sigil and creating vessels. It means “death” and “endings”. Since this random chick has nothing to do with any of that, she shouldn’t be named “X”. She should be Subject Z or something.

I think all the these characters time-travelling to the present is kinda dumb, but that’s not even my main gripe. No, what really bugs me is that her subplot has totally replaced everything about the original story in the most heavy-handed manner possible. Axel never mentioned this girl before. I had a previous anon tell me that Nomura probably wasn’t that invested in the idea of Isa and Lea being test subjects, and that he left it open on purpose. It’s just my personal bias that they were test subjects. My response to that is: Bullshit. The story was not left open for Lea and Isa to be apprentices just because it was never outright stated. KH3 is just treating the fandom like we’re stupid.

KH3D was setting up one very specific story, then KH3 started following an entirely new one with no warning. It was an incredibly jarring and unconvincing shift. Yes, I find Lea and Isa being test subjects a million times more interesting than them being apprentices. Who wouldn’t? But it is not my personal bias that is fueling my criticism. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together, who took an honest look at the story, could see that it was drastically changed from how it was originally envisioned.

Ansem's Report 2

It is my duty to expose what this darkness really is. I shall conduct the following experiments:

Extract the darkness from a person's heart.

Cultivate darkness in a pure heart.

Both suppress and amplify the darkness within.

The experiments caused the test subject's heart to collapse, including those of the most stalwart. How fragile our hearts are! My treatment produced no signs of recovery. I confined those who had completely lost their hearts beneath the castle.

Some time later, I went below and was greeted by the strangest sight. Creatures that seemed born of darkness...What are they? Are they truly sentient beings? Could they be the shadows of those who lost their hearts in my experiments?

Originally, the focus of the unethical experiments was the darkness of the heart. Yes, Ansem was experimenting on Xehanort to get his memory back. 

Unbeknownst to me, my six apprentices then began collecting a large number of subjects on which to perform dangerous experiments into the "darkness of the heart." As soon as I found out, I called my apprentices together and ordered them not only to cease their studies, but to destroy the results of their research thus far.

But the apprentices then went on to do far worse things. There is no mention EVER that there were more than six apprentices. But there was mention of the apprentices kidnapping people and performing dangerous experiments on them. Now it seems like these experiments have been retconned to be about memory only. All the focus now is on this one single Union X girl and her super duper special important secret memories.  

Xemnas: Our experiments creating Heartless were attempts to control the mind, and convince it to renounce its sense of self.

But originally Xehanort was not concerned with the subjects’ memories. The purpose of the original experiments was to create vessels. Empty puppets who have no self-awareness. 

Xemnas: You feel nothing. Nothing is real. I can give you purpose.

Roxas: Roxas.

Xemnas: That is right--the new you.

The definition of a vessel is a hollow container. That’s what Xehanort needed so he could have 13 copies of himself—they’d all have the exact same heart and mind. Nomura said Seekers of Darkness were “raw material” for the X-blade. The point was he needed just their BODIES.

Xehanort: Roxas... Now, there was a worthy candidate. But, unfortunately, he became too aware of himself, and returned to Sora. Organization XIII's true goal is to divide Xehanort's heart among thirteen vessels.

The less self-aware the person is, the less able they are to reject Xehanort from taking over their mind, body, and heart completely. It’s heavily tied into the Recusant’s Sigil, which now seems to have vanished from Kingdom Hearts lore entirely. I guess they are hoping we just forgot about it, since it got so little attention anyway.

Day 7: Meaning

A name defines an object. Describes the span of it. Gives it purpose. We embarked upon the Replica Program to ensure our new power stays ours. Now, our shadow puppet, "No. i," lives. It needs a name. Something to define it. To give the hollow vessel purpose.

But Xehanort put the “X” into all the original members’ names because he planned to make vessels out of them once Kingdom Hearts was completed. Now suddenly we have a Subject X in the spotlight, but she has absolutely nothing to do with making vessels? 

The Ultimania said that Xemnas was using the Chamber of Repose to communicate with Aqua, and looking for Ventus because he was trying to complete the new Organization XIII. Now suddenly he was doing all of that because Ven was from the age of fairy tales? I’m sorry, but this is bullshit. I don’t think I’m being an unreasonable or petty fan by saying this is EXTREMELY bad storytelling. KH has had a lot of retcons, but this is far worse than anything I’ve seen in this series before. It’d be like if Sora, Donald, and Goofy just randomly stopped looking for Riku and the King in the middle of KH2 and started looking for a random Union X girl instead. That’s how Lea and Isa in KH3 felt to me.

Secret Report 4: Experiments of the Heart – Notes on Subject X, Excerpt 2

Secret Report 4 is obtained after clearing Battlegate 4 at Toy Box: Galaxy Toys / Kid Corral.

Subject's memories have not returned, and our conversations remain less than lucid. What fragments can be gleaned evoke a bygone world, like one out of fairy tales. As improbable as it seems, the question may not be where she has come from, but when. If she truly has crossed through time, the prospect of probing her heart is all the more compelling.

My pilot studies used a handful of subjects, but none possessed the fortitude to endure them. Ultimately, all suffered mental collapse. I knew it would be a heavy blow to lose a subject as unique as she. Upon discovering the tests I've been conducting, my master demanded that I cease my work immediately and destroy what research I have compiled. Worse still, he ordered the release of my remaining subjects. She is gone.

Where is Subject X now? Has "wise" Master Ansem hidden her away? Whatever the case, I will not be deterred. I will take her place as the first subject in the grand experiment to come.

You can see how similar the wording in this report is to the original Ansem reports. Even the part where Ansem ordered them to destroy their research. But now it’s that the subjects experienced mental collapse. Not that their hearts collapsed. The victims of these experiments were supposed to have lost their hearts and become Heartless. This was the precursor to everything that happened. They were supposed to be absolutely horrifying and dangerous experiments. Vexen wouldn't go down into the basement, and even Xigbar said he didn’t like going there. He even called it a “graveyard”. 

Braig’s dealings with Master Xehanort in Birth by Sleep make sense now, as he was to become a vessel.

Nomura: There is a certain reason for Braig to proudly exclaim, “I’m already half Xehanort.” Isa (Saïx) is included too. I think you’ll understand the details about their circumstances eventually.

We were clearly supposed to learn about these experiments in great detail. And it’s obviously why BBS teased us by showing Lea and Isa trying to sneak into the castle while these experiments just happened to be taking place. Isa just happens to be a vessel. He just happens to have the Recusant’s Sigil in the middle of his face. Axel just happens to say that his personality completely changed from how it used to be. Saïx just happens to be the most unfeeling and heartless Nobody of them all, and can't "see" Xion.

Secret Report 5: Memoirs, Excerpt 1

Secret Report 5 is obtained after clearing Battlegate 5 at Toy Box: Galaxy Toys / Main Floor: 1F.

The castle was a wonderland to us children. Within its walls, Ansem the Wise conducted his research, and the fruits it bore allowed everyone outside to live in peace and happiness. That alone was enough to stoke our interest, though not all of the rumors that escaped its walls were so benevolent. By night, the muffled sounds of human wails emerged. There was talk of dangerous human experimentation. Lea and I couldn't help but hatch a plot to steal inside and sate our curiosity.

The two who stood guard at the gates were researchers themselves, though you wouldn't think it to see them, massive and barrel-chested as they were. And slipping past that duo was only the first hurdle. It proved one not easily cleared; we were found and tossed out on our ears, time and again. On the day we finally secured our entry, we descended the long spiral stair at the heart of the castle to find a dark space below it, lined with cages. There wasn't light enough to see if they were inhabited, and we were in no position to call out to any occupants within. Yet we could feel it. A definite presence, there in the black. Terror washed over us, and we immediately regretted coming. But just as we turned to flee, we heard the faintest of voices. The urge to run was nigh overpowering, but someone or something beckoned us on. There, framed by a tenuous sliver of light, we found her.—Saïx 

This report about Lea and Isa sneaking into the castle just happens to be found at Galaxy Toys, where Xehanort discovered he could create vessels after experimenting on the toys. Galaxy Toys was a good fit. The castle looked like a fun place for kids to play on the outside, but on the inside horrible experiments were being conducted. It seems like these experiments aren't even going to get much (if any) attention going forward. It's all about this random girl’s memories now. 

What happens to the hearts of those who have had Master Xehanort’s heart planted within them?

Nomura: They’ll gradually be swallowed by it. As for Master Xehanort, he plans to control them completely. The planted parts of the heart are captured rather than disappear.

In KH3D, Saïx acted exactly like you would imagine a so-called vessel to act. Unlike Xigbar, he was completely still, completely mute, completely blank and expressionless, and didn’t act until Master Xehanort looked over at him (which he would have had no way of knowing unless they were telepathically linked). We know Master Xehanort had the power to transfer his consciousness into his vessels. That’s what makes them vessels, after all. Gee, I wonder if Saïx awakening to a new purpose over time had aaaanything to do with his heart being gradually swallowed by Xehanort? 

I’m sorry, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that Saïx was set up to have a backstory as a test subject. Nothing about his character was left open to be an apprentice. Nothing. Subject X could have had any other role in the experiments if they really needed to introduce her to this timeline that badly. But no, she stole Isa’s backstory. That’s how ill-conceived this sudden shift to Union X was. It appears to have happened on relatively short notice. If that’s the best way Nomura could think of to introduce “Subject X”, she has no business existing in the story.

[pisati]

I haven’t really had to think about it before. I guess I still don’t have to, but sometimes I want answers to “why am I like this?”

a post from 2017. I was so hurt. so upset. 

I'm not waiting for any man to save me. I won't let myself weaken at the thought of settling in. The memories of those quiet nights. How mindlessly you held me. Weak. Weak. Weak. Feelings are weakness and I will not let myself be weak. Not right now.

I told myself that it was weakness. that admitting I missed those things, enjoyed them, was weak. that was a culmination of things I’d already been feeling for a long time. 

a poem I’d written in early 2016, embodying the feeling before I even knew what it was:

I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I could tell you what I liked. I want thick, pretty hair. I want you to pull it from behind Shove me away "Get down there." Slowly work your way down my stomach And back up Wrap your fingers around my throat Ask me if I like that. I wish I could ask you to bite; Leave all the marks he used to So maybe I could forget the aching I miss you I miss you I miss you Maybe a new pattern of reds and purples Greens and yellows Would speak different words to me Whispers of god and you

“I wish I could tell you”. I couldn’t even fucking tell him-- the one I wrote that poem about. I didn’t realize at the time that it’s really not healthy to not be able to communicate those things. to feel afraid to. to feel like he’d judge me. I was so afraid I’d scare him off. with what? with daring to have feelings? how did it not occur to me that if I was afraid to be open about those things, it wasn’t something I should have kept up my hopes about?

remembering that time in my life hurts a lot now. at least... having a different perspective on it hurts. I know if I were listening to someone else telling me about these things as if it were them going through them and not me, I’d have been outraged. 

at first it felt like it could’ve been something. god, I was so happy the first time that boy kissed me. I’d wanted that for such a long time but I was already scared to even allow myself to think it; I was already used to it being weird if I was interested in anyone, thanks to high school, and I’d already dismissed the idea of him as a possibility, as much as I liked him. and then it happened! that first time, I was over the moon. I’d written about him enough; I don’t even have to go back and read it now, I remember how I felt. I didn’t want to feel that way. I was almost angry at myself because I knew it wouldn’t work. but he gave me that small hope in scraps of what looked to me like genuine affection. I fell way too hard. I’d wondered when the first time would be that I’d actually spend a whole night in his bed, but I was happy enough with just most of the night. once I stayed a while, and he’d fallen asleep curled up next to me-- arm across my waist, head on my chest. I’d been absently brushing through his hair when he twitched, suddenly jerked awake. I held him, asked what he dreamed about. I knew he had distressing dreams sometimes. when he sat on my bed with me, sharing a blanket. we’d decided to watch Boondock Saints but my laptop kept overheating so we had to take it outside in the frigid air every so often. which ended up working out for cigarette breaks. when he woke me out of an accidental nap I’d taken next to him on his couch while he played video games by scratching lightly behind my ear, the way I told him I liked it. when he’d poke fun at me for being so picky but make me something plain anyway, just so I’d eat.

the one time I ever, ever tried anything. once, out of all the times. I didn’t even try that hard; it was just innocent, but obviously a little nudge. he looked at me and said I know what you’re trying to do, and no. and that was it. I never tried again. I’d let him if he wanted to, for the most part. I still enjoyed it. I still had that hope that maybe he’d change his mind. I shouldn’t have, but I didn’t know better. 

I remember waking some nights, watching him asleep next to me. I’d wanted to brush his hair away from his eyes. to hold his hand-- more than that, I wanted him to reach for mine. to show me it was okay. I was never sure. he only held my hand twice that I remember. once right before he pulled his usual, once at my first farm jam, when it was too dark to see the ground and I was trailing behind him. it felt so normal, but I had to tell myself it was nothing. even that.

I’d learned to keep it quiet. to act like I didn’t even care. because that wouldn’t scare him off, and then maybe one day he’d change his mind. that was absolutely the wrong way to go about that, but you couldn’t have told 19-22yo me that. 

I learned that that’s how I have to be, so I’m not overbearing. because it’s weakness to admit you want those things; to admit feelings, god forbid. to want to hold a hand, to want to be held yourself. could be fear of rejection. I wait until they show interest first before I even dare to consider it. if they make it clear they’re okay with it, and if I’m interested, I’d be more inclined. but that hasn’t happened in a long, long time. 

I’m still incredibly perceptive, as aloof as I seem. that day at the safari park, your hand brushed mine for the briefest second and I felt you hesitate, like you wanted to take it. but you didn’t think I’d take to that very well, I’m sure. 

here’s the thing. I did want you to. but I wasn’t about to go reaching for your hand either. you didn’t think I wanted that, so it would contradict that idea you had of me, that I wasn’t at all interested and I wouldn’t want it. what would you think? how much more confused would that have made you?

I can already hear the question: well if you wanted to hold my hand then, why didn’t you want to at first?  it’s like I’ve been saying. I need to warm up. eventually I let you, the first time. and I realized it wasn’t all as scary as my fears told me it would be. it was just holding a hand. you didn’t try anything. I remembered what it was like, and that it could be a neutral, even good thing. amazing how trauma will make you forget simple things like that. that little nothings feel good and can be good.

this is where my keeping to myself, acting disinterested, bites me in the ass. I’m too scared to admit that how I feel isn’t how I act. that the image I put out there isn’t accurate; I can’t even say it isn’t me, because obviously it is. but it’s not how I want to be. I’ve just caught myself up in this web of fear about how I’m perceived. 

I know my asexuality seems like a hurdle, but it really isn’t. all it does is make me a little different, at a baseline. most everything else, a lot of my aversion, is due to trauma. I’m not trying to change myself, least of all as a move to keep you around. I just know that this isn’t how I am, and it’s a problem that’s fixable with enough trust and patience. it reminds me a little of my picky eating; yes, that is kind of just how I am. but it also doesn’t have to be. it’s a sensory issue. it would be maybe too big of a task to overcome that entirely, but I know there are ways to work with it and I know I could improve if I just knew how to go about it. it would be a lot easier on me and everyone else if I could get myself used to more foods, but I need patience and time with that too. maybe changing that is for a personal benefit, but I also just want to.

I want to learn that affection isn’t a bad thing, and especially not coming from me. that’s a lesson I can tell myself over and over but I won’t believe it until I have proof. I know it’s not an impossible task, but it’s a unique one. not many people have issues with even showing interest in another person. beyond that, interest in things of a not-quite-innocent nature, made more complicated by the fact that they’re asexual (grey-asexual at that; as if asexuality weren’t already hard enough to understand). there’s already this preconception that by virtue of my asexuality I can’t possibly be all that interested, and that’s been really harmful to me. asexuality is so misunderstood, and unfortunately I feel like it’s almost impossible to understand if you haven’t experienced it. it’s exhausting sometimes trying to explain it, especially as someone who’s seemingly a walking contradiction (so wait, an asexual who can enjoy sex? are you sure you’re actually asexual? I thought asexuality meant you were really grossed out by it? and so on ad nauseam). I get that for a lot of people it’s hard to separate sexual attraction from the desire to be sexual with other people. it’s hard to imagine the desire without the attraction. but for some of us that’s just the reality of it. I can explain it to the moon and back; I can try to come up with metaphors and try to explain that it’s more about feeling than anything directed towards another person (unless it’s a specific person; for this particular grey-ace that kind of attraction is possible but it’s rare). but sometimes it’s just something you have to experience firsthand.

this started years and years ago. well before the trauma actually happened. I guess you could call it trauma in its own right; learning from such a young age that you have to keep your feelings hidden because people get weirded out when you have them-- I didn’t even know I was asexual then. I’m not even sure if I was, yet. so it wasn’t out of fear that people would think it was uncharacteristic for me (though in a way I’m sure some might have; I used to be the real innocent one). I used to ache over just wanting someone to like me. I had my ‘crushes’ back in high school, but I could never let them know. they all inevitably asked other girls out; I remember my junior year, having a massive crush on this boy from my math class, and being absolutely devastated when he asked another girl to prom. I’d made him a mix CD too; that was about the most I’d ever ventured to do. I gave up after so long. I’d kinda laugh about the fact that the only time I got asked to prom it was a joke. I still had my little crushes (there was one gentle-eyed boy in my physics class senior year, and sometimes I still wonder how he’s doing even though I haven’t seen him probably since we graduated). but I never even bothered to entertain the idea of anything ever happening. I’d already pretty much accepted that it just wasn’t realistic for me. I was 17 by the time I gave up hoping. 

there’s no one to blame, really. more myself than anyone else; for taking things so hard when they really weren’t all that significant. sometimes I wonder if the trauma was self-inflicted. if i blew things out of proportion and upset myself over them. if it really was just a series of rejection after rejection that had nothing to do with me being gross or weird. regardless, this is just kind of how it is for now. I’m just glad I know it’s not irreversible. I used to feel like it was, but time’s gone on and it’s gotten better. just a tiny bit. I haven’t ever had the opportunity to fully heal all these issues. but hopefully that time’s coming. 

[smugshiranui]

Shamefully slides a smutty fic of my OC with Sano and Kyo onto my dash at 3 AM when most people are asleep.

Anyway here’s my Modern AU OT3

Sanosuke always preferred Askr’s apartment.

Unlike his own living arrangements, her place was entirely to herself. A humble one bedroom apartment. Despite Mibu house’s massive size, she had privacy above all else. They could hang out together without having to worry about any of the guys coming to interrupt - and though Harada did enjoy his friends, there had been enough awkward moments where someone like Shinpachi would make some sort of commentary on Askr and Sanosuke’s relationship and whether it might be more than platonic.

Not to say he didn’t wish it was more than platonic, but that kind of stuff could never be easy - popularity and good looks could only get a person so far.

Not to mention Harada did have competition.

In this case, it was the three of them hanging out together in the apartment, Harada, Askr and Shiranui for the first time in a confined private space.

Although both of them had been pretty obvious with their rivalry, it seemed out of respect for Askr’s comfort they dialed their efforts back significantly, not wanting to put her into any sort of awkward situation in her own home.

Of course, both men sat on either side of her on the couch as the credits for the show they’d been watching rolled and the next episode started. 

For some time, things remained comfortable - and though Harada had been skeptical of spending such alone time between someone he wanted to be more than friends with and someone who had the same goal in mind, Shiranui’s company had been enjoyable enough as well. 

They were alike in enough ways to be friends, at least.

Being young, in one’s prime and pining for someone was enough on its own, but when things got steamy in the show they were watching, Sanosuke’s throat felt thick suddenly, the contact from Askr’s thigh against his own as they sat in close enough proximity was something he became much more physically conscious of.

The sudden regret for wearing comfortable grey sweatpants set in shortly after.

Things took a turn for what seemed to be the worst when Harada heard murmuring from Shiranui, glancing from the corner of his eye to see Kyo whispering something in Askr’s ear. He couldn’t make out most of it, but when Shiranui pulled back from her, he caught the tail end of the conversation.

‘Just tell me if you want to stop anytime’

The two men locked eyes as Shiranui reached towards Askr’s lap, his hand carefully taking hold of hers. Sanosuke’s stomach dropped, suddenly feeling out of place as though he became a third wheel in that moment. A questioning glance of his amber irises towards Askr didn’t give him any answers - she seemed just as uncertain herself as Shiranui guided her hand over towards Harada.

Holding his breath, the redhead watched dumbfounded as Askr tugged down the waistband of his sweatpants, unsure of what to make of the situation but - the anticipation made him throb, despite his confusion.

So he helped her free himself from beneath his underwear, tugging down the material to expose his experly groomed treasure trail before revealing his semi-hard cock; watching curiously and finally remembering to exhale and relax as he decided to go with the flow and just allow things to head wherever they were going.

Askr’s fingers, guided by Shiranui, wrapped around Harada’s length, pulling back the skin lightly to fully expose his sensitive head. 

He let out a pleased sigh from the contact, leaning back against the couch to allow his body language to do the talking.

Long red eyelashes gently ticked along his cheekbones as he watched the two hands work together to stroke him to complete hardness, his teeth gently sinking into his lower lip to contain his contented, breathy sighs.

As he looked over to Askr, a realisation struck him and he raised a hand to her face, gently cupping her cheek.

“I’ve never even kissed you,” he murmured, leaning closer until his lips ghosted over hers, tickling with each word as he continued to speak, “I can’t let it stay that way.”

His calloused fingers tucked a strand of her long dark hair behind Askr’s ear as his lips parted and pressed against hers, moving slowly and methodically in time with her languid strokes around his cock. Sanosuke couldn’t help but groan against her lips.

When he withdrew, his cheeks felt hotter than he maybe would have liked, but the red tinge to Askr’s cheeks in the dim lighting of her living room was to die for.

“That’s really sappy,” she teased with a light smile - one unlike the way she usually smiled when she teased - this one a lot more… kind?

“He’s right though,” Shiranui murmured, cupping Askr’s face to turn her attention towards him, “that’s somethin’ I need to change too.”

Kyo closed the distance faster than either of them could blink, his lips moving against hers with an obvious hunger like he’d been waiting a long time for this - and he definitely made it last; tilting his head to the side to get a better angle at her lips. Despite Kyo’s intense focus on Askr, they didn’t leave Harada’s need neglected, Shiranui’s grip firm and steady around Askr’s hand to keep her strokes well timed.

It all left Harada stunned - he was used to being in charge and in control and he was certain Askr didn’t have much experience based on late night conversations they had with each other and yet Sanosuke felt like he was acting like the one with the least experience of the three of them; his face perpetually hot and each stroke feeling better than he could ever imagine someone’s hand could be.

Eventually Shiranui came up for air, and though before he had been the most composed of the three, Kyo now seemed to have caught up with the others with how much of that composure he’d lost; reducing the three of them to a disaster trio experimenting with each other on the couch with little clear direction on where any of them wanted to go.

“Nnnh-Askr,” Harada exhaled a pleased groan, beads of precum dribbling from the slit of his head and down the shaft. He glanced at the two of them briefly, hesitation clear on his face as he worked up the nerve to follow himself up and speak, “haa- Kyo, faster…”

No amount of preparation could have helped it not feel strange saying Shiranui’s name like that, but it made Harada throb regardless; and Kyo obliged him, tightening his grip around Askr’s hand and guiding her into faster strokes along the length of him.

Not wanting to be the complete centre of attention, Harada twisted his torso so that his upper body faced Askr, burying his face into her neck where he peppered the expanse of skin with soft kisses, eventually settling directly above her pulse point where he suctioned his lips around her, soft moans escaping his throat against where he sucked a bruise onto her skin.

Shiranui, catching onto what Sanosuke had been doing, angled himself to follow suit, his teeth teasingly scraping against her neck and nipping at her before he latched onto a spot he liked and sucked his mark.

The way Askr whimpered as the two of them laid claim to her tightened the knot in Harada’s abdomen, his hips rolling lightly as he sought further stimulation from the hand - or, hands - around his aching cock.

“You’re gonna make me cum like this,” Sanosuke purred low in Askr’s ear, nipping playfully at the lobe.

Perhaps she gained a sudden bout of confidence in their experimental situation, but Askr surprised Harada when she dipped down and returned the favour of showering Sanosuke’s neck with attention, her trailing down to the base.

“That is what I want, you know,” she tried to sound confident, but the embarrassment was obvious in her voice enough so that Harada felt it was a shame her face was hidden in his neck - even if the sensation of her lips as she began to suck against his skin felt good enough for him to not want her to stop. 

“Nnng-Ah, fuck…” he hissed, not expecting it to feel as good as it did as the suction of her mouth tugged at his skin and popped the delicate vessels beneath the surface, making her own mark on him like Kyo and Sanosuke had done to her.

It sent him unravelling quickly, a hand reaching desperately for Askr’s face so he could cup her cheek and kiss her, his tongue eagerly poking past her lips as he moaned into the kiss. The bit of his visible abs harden as his torso flexes, trying to draw it out as long as possible before he reached his peak. His lips broke from Askr’s, bringing along trail of saliva from their rather sloppy kiss, and he watched her with a strained expression as he teetered closer to the edge.

“Sanosuke...” Kyo growled, causing the heat in the redhead’s cheeks to become unbearable as he made eye contact with the other man, who’s violet eyes narrowed in a lusty gaze as he smirked and picked up his pace.

Shiranui nudged Askr towards Harada slightly, as if trying to get her to do something, and with a moment of hesitation she leaned in and ghosted her lips above Sanosuke’s. 

“Cum for me, Sanosuke,” she murmured, giving him a gentle peck on the lips after her command.

The words sent Harada hurdling to his climax, he couldn’t focus on returning Askr’s kiss and instead his lips parted in a silent ‘o’ as he lurched and his cock twitched in their hands, cum spilling from the head onto his stomach and down the shaft, coating both Shiranui and Askr’s hands as they continued to stroke him through his climax, his breathing ragged between low groans, and one particularly soft whimper as the two made him unravel so completely under their touch.

As he came down from the high, Harada’s muscular chest heaved with his deep breaths, his gaze tired and half-lidded as he looked over to the two with an awkward, satisfied smile. There was a bit of a mess, but most of it got onto Askr and Kyo’s hands as opposed to his own body.

Shiranui released Askr’s hand and stood, holding his cum-messy hand above his other to make sure it didn’t drip anywhere as he made a quick move towards the bathroom.

“There’s way too much…” the two could hear Kyo murmur to himself from the hallway.

Askr seemed to be less in a hurry, watching Harada with a wide-eyed gaze so cute to him that he couldn’t resist leaning over and brushing his lips softly against hers.

“That was…” he breathed, “actually really nice.”

[calliecat93]

Top 5 Things I Disliked About RWBY Volume 2

(Top 5 Likes)

It’s hard to believe that Volume 2 aired over five years ago now. Unlike V1 where I watched it just as it ended, I watched V2 as it was airing and I still remember my excitement over it. It was a different time back then as well as this aired during the Summer, while every volume after happened halfways through the Fall. Ah, the days of innocence. Anyways, IDT that V2 is as memorable as other volumes, which IDT is necessarily a bad thing but it’ not one that you see many people talk about as a result. But ho boy, do I remember the discussions going around during the time that it aired, especially about the finale. Oh God, the finale...

So then, what are my thoughts? Well, I’ve got a few. Let's go ahead talk about my… not so good ones. Which tbh, these are mainly nitpicky cause I really don’t dislike much about V2. It’s overall a good volume. Not as good as others, it’s my five on the list and may drop to six depending on how V7 goes. But I don't have any rela issues with it, but I was able to brain up a few. Therefore, here are my Top 5 Thing That I Disliked About RWBY Volume 2!

#5. The Dance Arc

As I said, this list was hard.  I was able to come up with four things that I disliked, but I couldn’t think of a good fifth one I thought about doing Ironwood and Glynda’s Ship Tease that went nowhere, but… it was a lot minor than I remembered and didn’t bother me like I thought it would. Anything else that I thought of I already had written down and going through my old posts from back when V2 aired provided nothing, so… the Dance Arc was the only thing that I could think of to fill in the spot. Which is kinda unfair because all in all, the arc is fine. It’s more of just dance arcs being a pet peeve of mine. It brings the story to a screeching halt to focus on relationship drama that I nor ally don’t give a shit about. A good example is the Yule Ball in Harry Potter, which single-handedly made Goblet of Fire my least favorite entry in the series, both with the book and with the movie.

RWBY’s arc though avoided most of that. It doesn’t do much in terms of story, but it does have Cinder’ break-in that’ll have consequences later. There isn’t really any relationship drama or nothing that felt overblown. Blake in particular hd some good development and seeing her happy at the dance was really nice. Jaune had some… bad moments. Moments that I’m gonna talk about here in a bit. But nothing so bad that I was annoyed. It did a lot of good character stuff, had the great JNPR dance sequence, and was overall just nice. But it’s not an arc that I particularly care about either, and I’m hoping that V7 won’t do a Ball like I know that a lot of people do half because it likely will focus on relationship drama there and because it’ll just be repeating V2. Still, it’s overall fine, but I needed something to fill in the Number 5 slot. So.. there we go. It was fine, but I could also live without it.

#4. The Season Finale

To this day, I can STILL remember how much the finale was derided by the fanbase when it aired. Kinda funny now since people seem to get bad if RWBY doesn’t end with a massive brawl, but people hated it when they did it here. I didn’t min the finale when it aired… and tbh, I still don’t. But I do have a better understanding of why people disliked it now. Part of it is something I’m going to get into later, but… what did the finale really wrap up? Not much. It was just a bunch of fights just to have a bunch of fights. Monty maybe went a little overboard with it here and it really feels like nothing truly wrapped up as a result. But IK how else they could have done a proper finale without messing up things that happen later, so… meh. Again, the finale doesn’t bother me and I do think that it feels more like a finale than V1 at least. But it certainly is one of the weaker ones and I don’t blame people at all for not liking it.

Oka, so 5 and 4 only barley count as dislikes. They’re more nitpicks than anything else tbh. Can’t say the same about the other three though. Speaking of…

#3. Jaune Cringe

In this volume, we see Jaune trying hard to get Weiss to go out with him. He continues to fail and makes himself look like an idiot. Now in itself, this isn’t so bad�� but IDT that it’s aged well. Mainly because the narrative kinda feels like Weiss is int he wrong for continuously rejecting Jaune’s advances. It’s kinda hard to say how much that’s intentional because she doesn’t get punished for it or anything. And it does end with Jaune essnetially letting it go, calling Neptune out on his petty reason for rejecting Neptune despite liking her, and getting him to quit worrying about looing cool to make Weiss feel happy. It shows that Jaune can realize his mistakes and make it right and that he isn’t into Weiss just because she’s pretty or rich. He did have genuine feelings for her, and gave it up once he finally realized that Weiss wasn’t interested and was looking at other people. He hasn’t repeated it since aside from RWBY Chibi, where he suffers for his idiocy, so I do think that he learned. Which is good!

But… ti is really hard to watch. The narrative frames it like we’re supposed to find Jaune an idiot, but also sympathize with him. And we’re supposed to find that Weiss is being cold and harsh in how she keeps rejecting him. Again, this has not aged well. I don’t think that Miles and Kerry had any bad intentions whatsoever and would probably do ti differently nowadays, but… Weiss was completely in the right to keep turning Jaune down. He refused to get the hint and just move on. Sure, he knows how stupid it was now, but the narrative makes it feel like we should feel bad for Jaune. But.. why should we? He kept being an idiot. He refused to just get the hint no matter how many times that Weiss said no. Do I hold him against him? No. He’s no Adam. As I said by the end, he seemed to let it go and his part with Pyrrha greatly redeemed him. But I do wish that Jaune got called out for it and that they did a better job at painting him in the wrong because he was. Weiss could have maybe been nicer about it, but we saw as early as V1 that Jaune acted like this, so she’s been dealing with it for a pretty good while so… yeah, I don’t blame her in her reactions.

Again, I don’t hold it against Jaune. His character has grown greatly since this volume and he hasn’t repeated his cringe since. If anything, I appreciate how far he’s come after seeing this again. But it was not fun to revisit and I’m glad that we’re past this part for good.

#2. The Post-Credit Stinger

UUUUGGGGHHHH! This stupid stinger! So… as we all know, at the end of every volume, they put in a scene after the credits. These have all been canonical in some fashion...except for this one. This one ended with Yang finding Raven at the Beacon Courtyard, in which the unmask herself and says that she and Yang have a lot to talk about.

And then Yang doesn't meet Raven in person until Volume 5, three volumes later… okay!

So… I know that some stuff changed when they began working on V3. For example, the Maidens thing was created by Monty in between Volume 2 and 3 and when he passed away, they decided to keep it. I can only assume that after they decided to make her the Spring Maiden, the plans for Raven changed, so whatever the plan was with the stinger got tossed aside. I don’t mind that so much since I was perfectly happy with what they did go with. But every time that I watch V2 and we get to this, I just get… annoyed. Really, really annoyed because this scene exists, and is apparently non-canon.

It’ hard to get mad about it because I get it. Plans change. But at the same time the show pretty much promised us something and didn’t deliver it. It’s like if Volume 4’s stinger that showed Oscar meeting Qrow suddenly got tossed out in V5, making a promise that they ended up not upholding. It’s frustrating as a viewer, especially since you gotta figure out what to do with that scene after. I guess we can just say that Yang dreamed it, but still. It’s not that big a deal now and so far, they haven’t repeated that mistake with the later stingers. Still, I remember how much this frustrated me all the way up to V4 when I finally realized that the stinger was non-canon now, so I still hold it against this volume. Hopefully, this won’t happen again, but you never know what’ll happen.

#1. What Does This Volume Accomplish?

Each volume of RWBY has a clear goal… except for this one. V1 introduced us to the world and characters. V3 had the Fall of Beacon. V4 was reaching Haven. V5 was the Battle of Haven and getting the Relic. V6 was reaching Atlas. We can argue about how well the volumes accomplished those goals, but they did accomplish them. Volume 2… what is the end goal? Hat does this volume want to be? I didn’t think about it much back when it aired, but now? I… honestly don’t know what this volume’s purpose was.

I guess it was to bring Team RWBY closer together? Flesh the girls and their motivations out? Which is fine… but the story itself doesn’t seem to have a clear place where it wants to end. It’s why I think that the finale was how it was, there was nothing to truly wrap up. The girls couldn’t figure out the villains’ plans because then V3 shouldn’t go the way that it did. But since finding out what the bad guys’ plan was their goal and they don’t do that… it just makes you wonder why you invested our time in it. The girls’ reaction makes it seem like they know that the ending is flimsy, but that the viewers are just going to have to accept it. The good guys didn’t make any progress. The villains were no closer to being defeated than they were before, and none of the hurdles like the bombs going off early did anything to affect them. Which makes them look OP as Hell.

Volume 2 is not a bad volume. In the character development department, it is very good. It’s pacing and flow is better than Volume 1, hence why I place it above it. But it also doesn’t feel like it 100% knew what it wanted to be. At least, it didn’t know where the final destination was. So I still pace 3-6 above it since all of those knew where they wanted to end. Even if some had bumps in the road, they did accomplish their primary goal and I could see what that goal was. IDK what Volume 2 was meant to do outside develop characters. I guess it did do that, but it didn’t really progress the story. I guess it made V3’s impact all the greater, but still… it makes me conflicted.

Okay, that’s one post down. One more to go. Likes will hopefully be up later this afternoon. So I hope that you’ll all enjoy that~!

[storyunrelated]

Exquisite corpse

I may have mentioned this before but I’m mentioning it again.

I think an exquisite corpse-type setup would be very neat indeed. Doomed to failure with me at the helm, what with me being a pariah who doesn’t interact with anyone, but that doesn’t diminish how neat an idea it is!

Even came up with some steps one my walk home, behold!

Preliminary:

1. Gather names of interested parties

This would be the proverbsial ‘first hurdle’ at which the thing falls down.

2. Decide on starting point.

I would comb back through my shit on here and dig out a handful of the more open-ended flash bits I’ve done. Why my stuff? Because I’d be running it, that’s why. Make hay while the sun shines, fuckers.

Once I had a handful I’d put them up to the vote and whatever got the most would be the starting point, boom.

If nothing came out on top then I’d pick one at random. Boom.

3. Order up those involved.

Just to shake it up out of “Listed in order of who came first”.

4. Get it started.

Get it started. Obviously.

In-progress:

It would kick off with me sending the decided-upon starting line to whoever was first on the list, they’d do it, send it to me, I send that to the next person and so on.

How people would want to get their bit would depend on how they felt it best, but whatever. That much is obvious, right?

Generally, the process would look a little like this:

1. I send bit to next person on list.

Pretty self-explanatory.

2. Person writes their bit.

Again, clear-cut.

3. Person send their bit to me.

Yes.

4. Repeat until concluded.

Boom. Slap ‘em all down, shove it out the door, job done.

Of course within that there would be some details...

Minimum/Maximum length

I have no frame of reference here but the idea would be for whatever someone got to be enough for them to work with, you know? Have enough of a thread that they felt they could spin something out of it, and not so long they got daunted or the whole thing ended up being massive.

Right?

So, I don’t know, minimum four hundred words, maximum fifteen hundred? Sound good? Yes? No?

Answers on a postcard, please.

Deadline

I would expect - or would like - bits back two days after being sent, if not earlier. If they don’t come back by then I would write the bit instead, and pass that onto the next person.

Harsh? Maybe, but the expectation of this whole thing is that something is produced, so you couldn’t say you were going in without knowing.

And bear in mind that I am a massive softy, so if you just came up and said you weren’t feeling too great I’d probably give you an extension anyway.

Content

Um. I write stuff where, like, daughters greet their fathers by vomiting in their mouths? And people get shot in the head a lot? So it doesn’t matter to me.

But it does matter to some people, and in the interests of keeping things pleasant why not let’s say we all make an effort to keep it PG, eh? Keep the bodily fluids to a minimum, the violence comedic and just have everyone in the story walk out the end as friends?

Not strictly that, I just mean keep it clean, you know? To the best of your abilities.

And that’s it

That would be it, really.

Complete waste of time me hammering all this out, obviously, because as said I am a pariah with no pull whatsoever, and this’ll pass without a ripple.

But I do like the idea though. That shit’s fun. So if someone who does interact with other humans went off and did their own version I’d still be chuffed.

More words is always good, yeah?

Yeah.