#it’s difficult cuz that comic was a month of my life

[raysdrawlings]

I was scrolling through youtube and just saw your zelink comic as a videos thumbnail

(a dub video, tho the dub was made with text-to-speech)

it's pretty cool seeing art by someone i follow randomly at random places

(oh, and they did put your blog's link in their description)

Thanks for letting me know! 😔

My current dubbing policy that I’m fine if the comic is a one-off comic, i love dubs! But if it’s a series of mine composed of several parts (Over 3) I do not want it dubbed.

I ask that anyone wanting to do a dub of my comic, please ask first!

I really wanna avoid situations where I have to ask someone to take something down they spent time and work on, cuz I know that totally sucks, and I’m so appreciative that someone likes the comic I made- and I think we can avoid all this with just a simple “hey can I dub this?”.

So please ask!! It’ll also let me know when I can watch the dubs I’m comfortable with! ✨ And I’d love to see them!

[daveyfvckingjacobs]

Okay so me and @ vie-138 & @ inhuman-horrors have talked abut blink being a Pyro!

@buncha-angry-kids-with-no-money and @lyssiebiird have got me on Jack, blink, skittery are besties causing trouble train.

Spot protective train

I need your thoughts on who and for how long has been to the refuge cuz I have thoughts!!

hi anon I fell asleep so sorry about that ANYWAYS HCS

pyro blink is so fun actually. constantly nicking lighters, running his fingers through the flames so all the littles think he’s fireproof. burning all the unsold newspapers at the end of the day one by one and making a whole comical ritual out of it to cheer up anyone who sold badly. he experiments constantly with what will and won’t burn, wee plasters everywhere and definitely patched clothes that are a teeny bit singed around the edges. that comforting smoke smell hanging off him (that’s nicer than race’s cigar smell)

bastard trio yes. jack comes up with all the little schemes and plots and is usually the one to bat his eyes and get them out of it with his sweet talking. blink is very good at getting where he shouldn’t be or having what he shouldn’t have and has perfected his innocent face. skittery is the sentry, kicking his feet and minding his own business while sending everyone in the exact wrong direction when they ask where the others are

spot is SO protective in a very quiet way. while jack is a loud, obvious protective, spot is subtle about it. littles getting shit from older kids? wordless look from across the room until they’re left alone. someone’s struggling to sell? they’ll magically find an extra coin or two, hotshot or mack around to help. scaring off scabs and making sure more food goes to those who need it most. spot’s protectiveness is shown entirely through actions and never in a way that draws attention to it but all the brooklyn newsies know it’s there. spot acts like they don’t give a damn but god help you if you mess with one of their newsies

ohhhh anon my refuge thoughts are something. so many of the newsies have been there for one stretch of time or another. sometimes weeks, others months but most of them know what it looks like inside. as for specific characters my thoughts of as follows:

oscar and morris - from 7 and 5 respectively to when they were both 12 (morris having been there two years longer). they were handed over as opposed to sentenced/caught in any way and have a lot of built up anger about it. they knew/saw a lot of newsies while they were there but don’t really made that connection

jack - constantly in and out for short stretches throughout his whole life. the longest was when he was 12 for over a year, the shortest only a fortnight at 14. he hasn’t been since he was 15 by the time canon rolls around because he’s sure going in there again would kill him, and is more determined than he’s ever been to avoid it. he got smarter after he escaped and realised the newsies needed him, so basically wised up

crutchie/y - only once and he won’t talk about it at all, trying to put on a brave face for the others so they don’t worry about him. it was the most difficult two weeks of his life, and he truly believed for a little while that he would die in there

finch - a very short stretch when he was 11 after running away. his parents reclaimed him before he scarpered again but made very sure to avoid it this time around, living on the streets/in parks instead

albert - has never been in himself, but visits the windows on a regular basis because of benji (uksies) at risk of being caught. it gets harder and harder for him too, as security increases with every escape but he’s determined

race - three months when he was 15. tried to escape but fractured his leg and suffered immensely for it, so even if it was a relatively short stretch it it definitely hurt him mentally

skittery - he was very young, only 4 with a group of kids to look out for him. when they left (he doesn’t know why) he was left on his own and struggled a lot to survive. was let out along with a few other less troublesome littles due to severe overcrowding when he was 9

[kaminokilljoy]

using my tumblrblog to actually blog for once

I figured I would put down some thoughts about my art journey so far on here I have some things to say and where better than my suuuuper popular tumblr blog 😂? Just me screaming into the void and talking to myself as usual, just my experience, anyway some observations over the past like slightly less than two years of drawing people/ figures specifically, which I picked up around May or so in 2023 cuz that's around when it started to interest me (maybe the reason I didn't find it as fascinating earlier was because I didn't have as many people to draw? And I just liked drawing nature or whatever better I guess. But these days it's very fun for me) (loooong post LOL):

-a lot of "artist" youtubers are just straight up useless and although some people always tell new artists to watch the most famous art names a lot of them just peddle some art course or have same face syndrome or just dont really know what theyre doing in general.

-out of 2d and 3d reference images, 3d ones like real life figure drawing sessions, models, etc ended up being much more useful in the long run to learn like anatomy or whatever. I didn't bother with 3d anything at the start because I was told they would be harder to practice with, but I guess since I'd already been drawing a while and had some experience with realism for example it wasn't as hard on me as I was expecting. Also I feel like even if you're drawing in a 2d style there's still contour and depth to the drawing that you can't see, I feel like the 2d outline should have something invisible underneath it rather than just exist on its own as an entity I have no idea how to phrase that. I definitely struggled with proportions, lighting, whatever a lot more originally, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that studying photographs of real people or observing them in real life was more helpful for me to get a sense of things rather than practicing with premade 2d pose references specifically. (I also feel like a lot of the 2d references available are ridiculously sexualized if they are women, but theres probably a workaround around that) Practicing with 3d references was hard but it was really useful. That being said 2d was also really helpful but just in a different way, I feel like maybe 2d is better to get a hang of different styles and 3d is better for technicality. If practicing with a 2d reference I would rather copy out of a manga or a comic with a style that I like rather than a pose, I'd rather leave poses to 3d references.

-the best thing that I should have done for myself earlier is to just relax really, and learn as I went. At the very beginning I had some kind of complex that I wasn't allowed to actually have fun with my art and I had to just grind,grind,grind and learn about anatomy or whatever but that did not really go anywhere useful. I just ended up like forcing myself to draw the same reference of this one like "female outline" or something like 20 or 40 times and I got so frustrated because there wasn't any improvement I started panicking and crying. I had some sort of idea enhanced by someone who was in my life at the time that I had to improve those things quickly and like of course if you've only been drawing for two weeks anatomy is gonna be difficult for you!!! But I didn't have faith in myself that I'd be able to improve, I was terrified that I'd just be stuck at that level forever if I didn't gorge myself on "studies" and that just led to a lot of frustration and an overall negative experience. But after a little bit when I started making vent art to process some things that were going on, or just overall other art that wasn't like anatomy practice art, it let me actually SEE myself in my art and I do think that over time I've improved. I put together a drawing from like September 2023 and the same drawing in maybe mid or late 2024, 9 or 10 months apart and I noticed better understanding of facial and body proportions as well as more fine attention to details like the curve of the hands. I still have a long way to go, but art is an endless journey and the main reason that I was doing something so burnout inducing is because I thought I'd never improve, but I ended up doing so after I started drawing from my heart instead as corny as that may sound. After I let myself actually just draw what I wanted I could find MORE ways to do studies, like study Gerard Way or Amy Lee, or split complementary color studies of the danger days characters. The best way for me to improve was to meld studies with what I wanted to draw. Art as a passion, just like any other hobby is for the self and although I had that idea already I just didn't know how to apply it to myself. Improvement and stagnancy in art are in my opinion sometimes applied as made-up concepts. some people will learn quicker than others, some people just want to paint different types of strawberries their whole lives and that's all literally fine.

-"criticism" is not always all that useful especially depending on who it's coming from. There's an idea of like "oh but if nobody ever tells you then you'll never improve!" and I don't think that's entirely true, especially if the person themselves who is imposing that onto you still has a lot to learn. At first I didn't really ask for any, but then I started falling into that cycle of like feeling incomplete without any criticism or like i'm missing something, but again, pretty unnecessary emotions to have and I ended up figuring out my own mistakes a few months down the road the more I practiced. Now that I think about it I had been drawing and redrawing the same like small "anime" face in my sketchbook once every few months even before I picked up figure drawing as a serious thing, and there WAS improvement, I think that my overall self esteem was just at an all time low (dear maria hahahhhahahhhahahaha I'm so funny). a second eye can be great, but I think it's more useful with more niche things like maybe learning to draw wings, or how far away the "camera" should be in a drawing, than just blatant technicality like "the legs are too long" or whatever. I feel like those things come with time.

-I think I'm finally starting to develop my own "style" when drawing people, I think I just really like drawing small lines in quick succession next to each other and cross-hatching, so I ended up kind of honing in on a style that I used in a drawing a while back (that I drew without an eraser just kinda went with the flow and did whatever) and that tends to be the manner in which I draw a lot of things, it's fun and it works for me so that's exciting.

-balancing art and other creative hobbies like music, crafts, maybe makeup, and just going on walks in general or hiking or whatever also helps me in a way I think because it allows me to think about things differently which subconsciously? inspires me to draw? also just the sky is beautiful as hell sometimes and I have many pictures of it that I intend to make studies of.

-sculptures can be so useful and fun to study. I'd like to go to an art museum and just draw studies of all the paintings and sculptures.

-My cycle of art creativity seems to be sinusoidal with a period of a lot of inspiration and then a period of not that much ,maybe I slowly work my way back into it or maybe I don't but the first period shows itself again. No matter how much time passes it remains like this.

-I need to start actually using my stickers instead of of saving them for no reason

-something I've never really drawn before is architecture but it's starting to interest me, also mecha, I mean I've found that interesting for a while just never drew it

-I think I'm starting to get more of a hang of how to break things down into shapes as well as like confidence(not drawing so darkly that you can't erase it, but still having smooth lines), I think hands are also getting somewhat easier to draw, need more perspective practice and practice from back view but perspective studies can be fun

In summary really the best thing that I learned is to just practice and have fun lol, just as I'd been doing before I started trying to draw people specifically, patience and continuing to put in effort has been the key just as for anything else, I'm excited to see where my art style will go and hopefully how I will improve in the future . my idea was to kinda update this as I spend more and more time as someone who likes drawing .

(●'◡'●)

[cinnamogai]

aaa hi ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و u said u wouldnt mind ppl ranting abt our gender + pronouns soo heres my rant ig since gender + pronouns r a HUGEE interest of mine

my gender is constantly changing, sometimes i have a hard time keeping up w it and a hard time telling what it is, my main gender is noenfluid tho ! right now i cant decipher what my gender is, i’ll let u know once i find out dkdj i love having a fluid gender tho cuz one day i can be a really dark xenogender and then i can be the opposite the next day. its as if my genders constantly on the move

i also havent decided on a set of pronouns yet since pronouns are way more confusing to figure out, with gender, i just know instantly what it is. i adore trying out different pronouns though and currently im just dropping my pronouns for now ! its so fun scrolling through tumblr or different neopronoun lists or even making up different neopronouns/nounpronouns :))

sometimes it can get difficult since i like having my pronouns, gender, aesthetic, lifestyle etc. all be aligned and all corelate so i tend to box myself (i think bc of my autism? or ocd?) in which makes it hard for me to figure it out added on with my insecurities, it gets hard. but im working on it everyday and each day i become more comfortable in my gender identity :)

ive also learnt that i figure things out at a slower pace so even tho my friends have already figured out who they are months ago, im gonna take my time ♡

sorry if my rant was too long !!

!! my response is gonna be long too lol don’t worry!! i’ll tag long post for all of y’all who don’t like reading this stuff, though i must say the way you type is very exciting, feels like im reading a comic book.

gender and pronouns can be so confusing so it’s very valid that you are taking your time, cause i am too! it can be a bit hard to come out of your shell and accept that you feel things about yourself that you didn’t before. so do all that! switch it up! life was made to be lived and gosh my life consists of a lot of contemplating my gender lol. i also get the stress of fitting your identity into a certain aesthetic box, but gender is all about you! and you can’t fit into a box so you shouldn’t expect your identity to either. i’m learning to kinda expand horizons and realize that gender isn’t just what i want to be, it’s what i’ve always been yk? that’s way too deep lol. thank you sm for sharing!! <3 <3

[girzapata6]

Oh, yeah, I remembered I had this in my USB that I made like one month ago... I was hesitating if uploading it or not since it was supposed to be like some kind of mini-comic-idk-what(?), but as how you can see, I didn't finished it, they’re just sketches, sorry x’’d

Anyway, this still be useful for explaining some small headcanons I got for this AU...

... That it’s that the undead creatures cannot remember their past lifes since they get “Reprogramed” to just attack the player in the night or even make another tasks (Like protecting dungeons, spawners, mines, etc). Tho they might can get them back, but it’s really difficult to do so.

Also another headcanon was that there are kingdoms: The Sea Kingdom (Which is ruled by the linage of the Guardians), Minecarft (The earth?? The Land Kingdom or whatever), The End is also a Kingdom ruled of course by the Ender Dragon and The Nether wich is ruled by Herobrine himself, but he won’t make any kind of appearence in this AU cuz as how I said at the start of this, I don’t really want him actually on this since it’s just all about the Mercs as mobs/players and that stuff, y’know? Anyway, all these kingdoms (Mostly only the Land, the Water and the Nether) try as much as possible to not interact with eachother, since they’re are in like some kind of war, but not at all... It’s more like a cold war?? So that’s why the Mobs can get kinda hostile to each other... Even if they're on the same kingdom.(?

Anyway, that’s all, I really hope u like this even if it isn’t complete and are just sketches x’‘d

[enthusiastic-sarcastic]

For You (Part Two)

Pairing: Fionn Whitehead x Reader

Request: “Could you please write something based on any of Fionn and Joe songs? Like the story behind Don’t Go or For You, maybe?”

Warnings: Angst, some fluff.

A/N: Here’s the second part. Blame the mobile app for the weird spacing. I hope you enjoy!! I recommend listening to the song while you read, you can find it on YouTube or Fionn and Joe’s SoundCloud account (I would post it here but for some reason the link isn’t working cuz again tumblr is mean).

[Part One]

The room grows silent, as his slightly chapped lips press against yours, his eyes closed as if scared of your reaction. After what seems like an eternity, you’re finally kissing him back, and the room picks up again. Spinning as you place your hands over the sides of his face to pull him closer. Spinning when you let out a muffled moan against his lips with the release of all of the unspoken tension. Spinning when you quickly pull away from him, and he has to catch his breath again.

And now, you’re shaking your head, and so suddenly this night is reminding him of that one.

“No, I can’t—We can’t.”

Fionn’s breath is labored as he tries to come up with the right words to address the impending argument.

“I know—Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking—I ended things, I shouldn’t have-”

“You can’t do this to me. This can’t keep happening. Why did you kiss me when you made the decision about us years ago, Fionn?”

You’re quick to stand up, and all Fionn wants to do is grab you and never let go. But he understands your anger. He understands that look in your eye that he couldn’t quite place before.

“Because I think I’m still in love with you.”

You scoff at his words, your eyes getting red and puffy as more tears fall silently onto your cheeks. He attempts to make eye contact with you, but it’s almost as if you can’t bring yourself to look at him, and he can’t blame you as his heart beats painfully within his chest.

“You think? That’s not fair, Fionn.”

“No, god, I know that I’m still in love with you.”

“No, you know what—I can’t listen to this. I can’t bear it. I can’t stand the thought of knowing that you still love me in the same way that I love you. You’re making it impossible to move on, even years later, Fionn.”

“I—”

“I know, I get it. You wanted me to be happy and you figured that the relationship was only prohibiting that due to the demands of your career and I respect your decision. It took me a while but I truly do…But that doesn’t mean that I can just forget your words and move on—that doesn’t mean that we can just start over—it still hurts, Fionn, and I don’t want to complicate things any further.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be here…this should’ve never happened. I really shouldn’t intrude on your life, that’s not...that’s not my place anymore.” He’s shaking, with his hands stuffed into his jacket pockets and his eyes turned forcibly away from yours, as his vision becomes blurry and the room continues to spin.

And just like that, the silence has returned. And he can’t stand it when he knows that you’re standing right there with tears running down your face.

Eventually, he hears you sigh, before he feels your hand being placed onto his arm—a comforting touch.

“Fionn, I don’t want to lose you again…”

Your voice is constricted by the small sobs that fall from your lips,

“Can’t we just be friends? Go back—way back—to the way things used to be? That way, even though we’re almost always miles apart, it’ll seem like things haven’t changed—like we can just pick up where we left off—in those few moments when we can enjoy each other’s company, without all the hurt.”

I don’t see their faces

They walk right past by me

But it’s just empty spaces

A friend’s telling me to stop dreamin’

But I just can’t shake off this feelin’

The walk to the cafe seems to go on for ages before Fionn finally arrives at the scuffed doors of the place, just a few minutes before he’s expected, and that makes him increasingly more nervous than before.

After his last encounter with you—after that fated kiss—Fionn, against the pressure of a past heartbreak, agreed to attempt to reconcile your friendship with him.

Although, now, as he sits on a wooden stool at the counter, coffee in hand and heart racing at the mere thought of seeing your face again for the first time in eight months, he doesn’t think he will survive the hour.

Strangers walk by the glass window beside the counter, but his eyes don’t register anything except masses of grey and blue. In fact, his entire surroundings start to slowly bleed together, as his mind grows fuzzy in preparation to see you walk towards the cafe—towards him.

If Fionn was being honest with himself, he didn’t think he could bear to talk to you without wanting to kiss you again. You were always a looming thought in his mind. And ever since that night and your agreement, it had become difficult for him to focus on anything else. Food suddenly had no taste. Music was suddenly just noise. And so, for the last few weeks, Fionn decided that it would be best to just dive into his work—to assume the role of another—in order to cope with his profound feelings.

But you knock me out of my trance

Please just give me

One more chance

With you

Feelings that suddenly come rushing back into him as he spots your figure walking towards the cafe and the color returns to his eyes and the world around him reanimates itself.

He fumbles to stand up from his chair, as you walk closer towards the counter, and suddenly you’re hugging him tightly, and he’s kissing your hair.

It takes a few moments for you to pull away from him, much to his delight, and the friendly smile returns to your face as you finally speak to him,

“It’s been so long.”

He nods in agreement, a smile growing on his face as he takes a seat, your words softly repeating in the back of his head as if pleading him to do something.

With you

Once you order your preferred coffee drink, you sit down in the seat next to him with your knees almost touching by their close proximity.

“So, not trying to be pushy but what can you tell me about your latest project, movie star?”

Fionn’s face visibly cringes at the sudden nickname and it sends you into fits of laughter,

“Honestly, all I can say is that it’s coming out sometime towards the end of next year…”

“Aww that’s it…” You whine jokingly, raising your eyebrows suggestively as if doing so would convince him to share his secrets with you.

“Hey, I signed a contract. You’re just gonna have to wait til the trailer comes out along with the rest of the world” He laughs at you when you cross your arms and sigh dramatically.

“What about you…Anything interesting happening in your life right now?”

“Well, work is…work. I just got back from New York on Friday after sitting through hours of business meetings over winning the rights from some author for the new film adaptation of some bestseller…”

You trail off and shake your head, taking a sip from your cup before placing it back onto the wooden counter,

“It’s been exhausting but I guess it’s worth it…”

He nods his head with a soft sigh, raising his cup up to you comically, and you quickly follow his suggestion, clinking the cups together as if to preach the truth behind your words.

But I’m missing

The way that I used to be

I’m missing

The days when I was happy

I’m missing

The things that made me believe

That you and me

By the time that Fionn finally notices the empty state of your cups, the rain has really started to pick up outside, beating ruthlessly against the brick exterior of the building insomuch that it disrupts the sultry jazz tune that plays on the speakers scattered across the room.

“It was very odd to see you on screen, just casually chopping away at your fictional dad’s body…The whole time I just felt really bad about torturing your character, but in the end it was kind of amusing.” You chuckle, and Fionn shakes his head at you,

“Yeah, the layout of that entire scene was so morbid but honestly I had fallen—we all had fallen—so deeply into the hole of the project that I didn’t really think very much of it…I was drained.”

Fionn can’t help but admire the way that your eyes look under the dim lighting of the room as the rain continues to fall outside and a rumble of thunder echoes from the distance.

“Honestly, I almost cried when I got to the ending where Stefan travels back in time to be with his mom and ends up dying in his therapist’s office. That was one of the good endings but it was still so hard to sit through” You sigh contently, and start fidgeting with your hands as you lean against the tabletop.

Suddenly a phone rings, interrupting the peaceful silence that had settled between the two of you, and Fionn becomes suddenly aware of just how quick you are to grab your phone from the purse dangling from your chair.

A smile appears across your cheeks as the screen lights up, projecting a dull blue hue across your features. A smile that makes him wonder whether or not it appears on your face whenever you see that he’s texted you.

“Damn, I’ve gotta go…I’m sorry to cut this short but I have somewhere to be in an hour and I really need to change out of these clothes.”

You glance up at Fionn with apologetic eyes and a warm smile.

“Ooh why…do you have a fancy date or something?” Fionn teases, without really thinking about the meaning of his words.

“Actually…yeah…” You trail off and his face seems to visibly drop as you fiddle anxiously with you fingers again and continue,

“It’s just a small dinner and movie thingy with this guy that deals with our legal defense team at work…”

Fionn wants to smile, he truly does, but for some reason, it’s as if his body has frozen in place, and he can only stare back into your eyes,

You seem to fidget under his gaze, shaking your head as you look at him,

“I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable…that was really bad timing…I hope this doesn’t screw up the opportunity to see you again.”

Your words send his heart racing, and the color returns to his cheeks as he clears his throat in an attempt to clear the emotion lingering in the back of it,

“No. Sorry, it’s just—I’m sorry if I gave you that impression…It may not seem like it but I’m really happy for you, (Y/N)…Truly. I’m happy that you’re happy. I’ll always support you.”

He manages a smile the best he can—one that even crinkles the edges of skin around his eyes—and that seems to convince you because your lips curl into a smile that matches his.

“Thanks, Fionn…”

You throw your arms around him and hug him tightly—almost desperately—and he quickly succumbs to your embrace, nuzzling his nose into your hair. Although Fionn realizes that his time with you is coming to an end, he can’t bring himself to push down the numb feeling anymore. As you part from his arms, it begins to feel as if a part of himself goes with you, but you remain close enough to him that he can collect his thoughts.

“I’m happy that you’re in my life again” You admit, pulling up the strap of your purse onto your shoulder,

“And I hope that you’ve found happiness too”

Fionn’s heartbeat continues to speed up at your words, beating against his chest like the rain that drummed heavily against the rooftop of the stuffy room, and he finds himself able to fight off the impending sadness traveling through him.

He doesn’t want to let his feelings get in the way of your growing friendship. He doesn’t want to screw up it all up when it’s only just begun. He doesn’t want to—he can’t—stand to watch you walk out of his life again.

In all of the chaos of dealing with the perplexity of his own emotions, Fionn is only barely able to hear your utterance of goodbye before he finds himself waving in your direction, a routine smile plastered onto his face.

You give him one last wave before you turn around and walk out of the doors of the cafe and Fionn finds himself staring blankly at the spot where you once stood as the jazz music fades out from the speakers overhead and he suddenly has to blink tears away.

Stop crying

Stop crying

Well I’m crying

I’m crying

For you

[forgettinggirlinterrpted]

5/8 - 5/13/19

It’s so easy sometimes to forget why I’m here. That’s my problem- I forget things. I forget my keys, I forget to turn my car off when I get gas, once I even forgot I biked somewhere and ended up walking home.

But worse than that, I forget emotions. I forget how miserable not having AC in my car makes me until late April rolls around, I forget when I’m mad at someone, I forget how happy I felt during some of the most important moments in my life. Most importantly- I forget when I’m sad.

I have brief moments that pop up in a sea of darkness that allow me, for just a moment, to laugh and feel like a real person. These moments happen a lot. I can see light and laughter during a panic attack before the flip switches and my brain turns back into a train running off static electricity and black mold. The fog clears for just a brief stop on the tracks and the mold crawls back to its host.

But same as the the fog clears, eventually so does my forgetfulness. My ability to forget is just as weak as it is powerful. Slowly but surely those mold covered trains start moving again with no clear destination. The black creeps in as I sit in the real world, hunched over, grasping onto my surroundings- yet failing to grasp onto any sort of consistent breathing pattern. I can forget sadness, but I can just as quickly forget happiness.

So here I am, in the day room of a psychiatric hospital, surrounded by people just like me. We have become our own ragtag group of misguided grownups. When I arrived here 7 days ago almost a year after my last admission to this hospital, I felt the trains moving at full speed through a pile of sludge. I stared at the painting on the wall and began to fear that here, I may not be able to utilize my warped superpower: my ability to forget.

But slowly, the other patients and I have begun to forget together- somehow forgetting without truly forgetting. Together, we can laugh not through the pain, but alongside it. This is the place where I don't have to feel bad for my moments of forgetfulness. Moments of comic relief and simple enjoyment. I don’t need to feel like my laughter negates my 10-year-old depression diagnosis.

Here, we are embracing those moments. We embrace the moments of happiness and sadness- in whichever order they decide to arrive. In a room full of people so different it looks like the set-up to a bad joke, we can forget in a place that is simultaneously forcing us to remember.

When I got here, my doctors told me to embrace the community. “If you don’t want to talk about your anxiety and depression, then just listen.” So I listened. And then I started talking.

One night, we all gathered in the day room, attempting to avoid the loneliness of our windowless rooms. As a Die Hard sequel blasted in the background, the addicts in the room discussed their journey through meth addiction. I asked questions. They answered. We all laughed. A heroin addict around my age told me, “seriously, don’t touch meth.”

The man next to me, Nate, said through the bustle of conversation and laughter, “are you here cuz of a drug?” I said no, and in his thick, mumbled, country accent he asked me, “then why you here?” 

I told him that I’m sad. 

He sighed, looked down at his folded hands and said, “yeah, I’m sad too.”

Nate loves movies and reading, M&M cookies, and meth. Up until he injected 3 grams of “ice” in a suicide attempt, he has been living on the streets. I halfway listened to the ongoing conversation about how incredible and horrifying hard drugs can be as he told me about a time he was arrested after ending up inside a university dorm building thinking he lived there. We all took a brief break to laugh even more when another patient, also coming from a recent suicide attempt, tried to enter the conversation by saying he had only ever “done weed once.”

Later, in his mumbled speech, Nate told the group about when he was high and stood in the middle of park downtown for 4 hours with a knife in his hand. We asked him what the hell he was doing just standing there. 

He simply replied, “lookin’.” 

I think we were unable, or even unwilling to truly focus on the scary reality behind Nate standing in a public park, knife in hand, waiting for cops that neither we, or even Nate, knew for certain were even coming. 

So we just kept laughing.

As the night and following day before his release passed, I kept talking to Nate. I shared my extra cookies with him, and forced him to come paint in recreational therapy with me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how genuinely scared I would be if Nate tried to open my dorm room door in the middle of the night. Or if I saw him middle aged, 6’2”, with a bald head, tear drop tattoo, and the psychique of a retired bouncer, standing in park, knife in hand, having the time of his life.

I asked him if it scared him to be out of control like that. He said that was his favorite part; he didn’t mind losing control. Between him telling me about his attempt to end his life and the meth fueled antics that cost him both his new job in Florida and his boss’ iPad, I realized Nate was funny, knowledgeable, and vaguely socially aware.

During one of our conversations, we found ourselves trapped in a seminar about nutrition. He slapped his hands on his thighs and said, “well, time to go.” I whined and asked him to stay. My insistence on attending every activity offered was at odds with Nate’s style. A style that told me that maybe once he did have my naive enthusiasm towards recovery, but lost it somewhere along the way. He said “you want me to stay?” and plopped back into his chair. He knew I wanted him to be there, just as I had begged him earlier to attend a journaling group session- declining my invitation with a non-committal hand gesture and a “nah.”

We sat through the nutritionist explaining “My Plate,” an updated version of the food pyramid. Nate leaned sideways and quietly grumbled, “is that like MySpace,” and I chuckled quietly in a way that reminded me of my habit of exchanging bad jokes in attempts to survive a boring lecture. When the nutritionist asked what could be used as a meat substitute for protein, Nate shouted out every type of bean he could think of. She asked if anybody had eaten eggplant and he shouted, “oh hell yeah, I had an eggplant lasagna once and that shit was delicious.” His southern drawl made everything he said more melodic, and added a level of enthusiasm he often didn’t like to show- unless he is shouting expletives about his incredible experience with eggplant lasagna.

After I had completely tuned out the nutritionist and began to draw in my notebook, Nate leaned over and asked if we could be friends on Facebook. I sneakily handed him paper for him to write his name down. As he wrote, he told me he may not be able to respond for about 30 days.

It happened again. I had forgotten.

I had spent that day arguing with Nate about whether the book or movie version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is better. This was an especially unwinnable argument given that I had never seen the movie and only gotten 100 pages into the book, and Nate had only ever seen the movie. 

He had given me movie suggestions, quoted Carrie, and given me shit for thinking a Pink Floyd song playing on the radio was by the B-52’s. 

He ranted about the symbolism behind the music video for Another Brick in the Wall as he painted a birdhouse that he could have easily crushed by closing his fist.

So I forgot. I forgot when he interrupted my conversation with a social worker to mime towards my extra cookie I had leftover from snack time. He had already eaten the first one when I offered, and originally declined the second. 

I was happy he asked for this one though, since I had only asked for the extra cookies so I could give them to him. 

But he didn’t know that.

His casual mention of the 30 days made me chuckle, but also made me remember. Remember where I was, why I was here, and who I was talking to.

I remember that when we first met, Nate told me his father had been in this same hospital almost 23 years ago. He also told me he killed himself right after being discharged. He tried to tell me it didn’t bother him, but shrugged and mumbled, “I mean it prolly does but I don’t know.” I want to say he said it casually, but that wasn’t it. He wasn’t laughing, but he wasn’t crying either. Mainly, he seemed defeated. Tired, like this was just the beginning of a long list of bullshit he has tried to deal with in his own way.

He looked at me, but never fully turned his body. 

He told me the only thing he truly remembers about the day his dad died. 

During checkout, his dad checked a box on his discharge forms stating yes, he did think his time there had helped him. But his father made it clear to Nate that he didn’t think it helped his depression. When he asked his dad why he lied to the doctors, Nate’s father told him, “I just want to go home.”

This all flashes back, and I remember that despite a potential Facebook friendship, this was the last time I would see him. Mainly, I was forced to remember that I have no control over his sobriety- and that 2 days of talking and painting with a depressed 24-year-old is not going to keep him from running back to the life he is used to the moment things get difficult in his new facility.

I began to think about my plan of action if I see Nate in 30 days, 3 months, or 3 years from now, standing downtown waiting for a dealer, or embarking on one of the never-ending walks he takes to kill time when the meth steals his ability to sleep.

Would I stop for him? Am I prepared to know fully and truthfully that this attempt at sobriety had failed? That the system had failed? Am I ready to accept the fact that I live in a world where kind, smart, and funny people just aren’t given the chance at life they deserve?

I asked him why he thought this shot at sobriety would work, and he said, “I’m just tired man, this ain’t no life.” So again, I remember. I remember why he is here in the first place- Nate had tried to kill himself. What happens if this doesn’t all go according to plan? What’s next?

His favorite part of the drug he wants to quit is the lack of control, and his drug-fueled delusions grant him his own ability to forget. Nate wasn’t ashamed to tell me his stories, but made it clear he wasn’t particularly proud of them either- with an ambivalence that is both inspiring and troubling. 

I fear the thought of everything he hadn’t had time to tell me about. I worry about what will happen when he begins to allow himself to remember.

During our first conversation, I told Nate I was afraid to leave the hospital because I thought the real world was scary. Without fully looking at me Nate shrugged and said, “it’s only as scary as you let it be.” 

Before he checked out, I gave Nate my copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest to read in rehab. 

Maybe one day we can finally finish our debate on the merits of each version of the story. 

Selfishly, I mostly did this so Nate would remember me. But even if he throws the book away, I just hope he remembers to take his own advice. The world really is only as scary as we let it be.

In our groups sessions this past week, we have talked a lot about forgiveness and second chances. For the past 6 months, I have struggled to handle my anxiety and depression, making my constant battle between forgetting and remembering unbearable.

I’ve learned I need to give myself a second chance, and allow myself to to let go of the things that fuel the trains in my head.

Nate and I are both giving ourselves our own second chances- ones that might end up with us both back in this hospital. Ones that will be scary. 

Whether or not we crash and burn, these are second chances I think we both truly deserve.

The trains in my head will never fully stop, and that’s ok. I feel ready to go home. I feel ready to attempt to live in a world without fear.

And, for the sake of Nate and every single way our short friendship changed me- I just want to allow myself to forget, but always remember to remember.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #45

“i want blood, guts, and chocolate cake.”

how many keys are on your key chain? what do they go to? two; one goes to each lock in my house. have you ever taken a pregnancy test? nah. what is something that always makes you feel pretty? eye liner. does the thought of moving out from home scare you? yeah... i'm totally ill-prepared for life on my own. have you taken anyone’s virginity? no. on average, how many pizza slices do you eat in one sitting? four, 'cuz i'm a fatass. have you ever gotten a matching piercing or tattoo with someone? yes, "ohana" tat with my best friend. ever made out in a pool? not sure actually. own bright colored underwear? no. do you have a leather jacket? no, but i've wanted one for years. :( do you have weak upper body strength? yes. what movie did you last watch with someone? the new "tarzan" do you think people are intimidated by you? hell no. do you often take painkillers? no. do you wish you were in a relationship? fuckin' tired of being alone. do you ever feel guilty eating meat?  not really. what are you listening to at the moment? "think twice" by eve 6 have you fallen asleep in school? nope have you ever been hospitalized?  yeah do you eat when you’re upset? YEP what sort of music were you brought up on?  classic metal and rock is it hard to make you laugh? very. nothing's funny when you're a depressed fuck. is there a member of the opposite gender on your mind? fucking always what would you do if your ex called you? answer in a damn heartbeat while fangirling on the inside and probably having an anxiety attack is there anyone you hate? merely "hate" is too weak what is your background on your phone? lock screen is the bogeyman from "silent hill: downpour," but the artwork is from anne's comic. my home screen is pyramid head from white hunter have you ever taken a nap with a member of the opposite sex? i miss our naps... is there anything that you and your friends simply can’t agree on? sure. think about your ex, your crush, or the person you’re currently dating. were you attracted to that person as soon as you met them, or did the attraction develop over time? i thought he was a bit weird-looking but handsome at the same time??? it's weird. as far as personality goes, wow. i liked him so quickly. which do you use the most, smiley faces, kisses or hearts? smilies what’s the last thing you said to the last person you kissed? via writing, "because i promised." via actual words, i don't recall. would you feel okay about going to your parents for advice about sex and contraception? mom, totally. dad, no. has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you didn’t say it back? yup. no regrets though, 'cuz if i don't love you, i don't love you. what did you do on your latest birthday? went to texas steakhouse with family and friends favorite dog breed? beagles, shiba inus, chow-chows... what is your favorite not-so-famous band/artist? otep have you ever had any teeth pulled? no have you ever seen two movies at the theater in a row?  no do you own a nightgown?  no have you ever actually been stuffed into a locker?  no. thought that was going to be a much bigger problem as a kid. how many teenagers do you know who have babies?  too many to count. do you get your surveys from your subscriptions page or do you actually go to specific sites and search for them?  i get most of them from fellow survey-takers on tumblr. do you want to get pregnant right now?  omg how funny, i actually had a dream i was in labor with a baby girl last night. jason was the dad somehow. but anyway, no, i do not. have you ever housed a friend for a long period of time because they had no place to live?  nope. if you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them?  hurt her and i swear to christ you die. if you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? i mean, i guess she somewhat is? like she worries about me, so does that count? have you ever wanted to be in a band?  ha ha yup. the song you’re listening to right now?  "teen idle" by marina and the diamonds have you ever had a concussion?  ugh, yeah. have you seen the movie the dark knight?  yeah. joker made me love it. can't even watch it anymore tho... ptsd trigger. guys with six packs, yes or no?  sure? cool if you have one, cool if you don't. do you know anyone who has a pet gecko? yep. would you ever go bear hunting? no, nor would i go hunting in general. describe one of your most emotional farewells. he just... fucking left. we were talking on facebook; he was hanging out with dillon, talking about our relationship, then he said he wanted to end it because he couldn't handle me anymore. i can't remember what i said, but i guess it was cryptic or dangerous enough for him to wind up at my door, because i'd charged into the kitchen to slit my throat, but i ended up on the couch sobbing to my mom. i just screamed at him when he got here, shrieked through tears. he said we could still be friends. liar. then he left. still hasn't come back. how have your tastebuds changed since you were a child? uhhh. i liked peas as a kid. can't stand them now. did you find it difficult to learn how to drive? if you do not know how to drive, would you ever like to learn? yes, it's hard, imo. mostly due to my anxiety, though, i over-exaggerate every driving situation that presents itself to me. do you own plants? if so, what kind of plants? if not, would you like to grow any? not anymore, and no, because i'm too fucking depressed to take care of them. when was the last time you felt at peace? i'm pretty sure the answer's never. what’s one thing that's heavily weighing on your mind? just one? psh. are you self conscious? holy fuck yeah. but then again, no? and by that i mean, like, i barely put any effort into my appearance. for example, i only get dressed in actual clothes if i have to go somewhere and i like NEVER wear makeup. yet simultaneously, i care very much what people think about me, particularly when it comes down to my weight. do you think of others before yourself? it depends on the situation, really. i have to start thinking of myself sometimes. what are your plans for your next birthday? eat out for dinner with friends and family, maybe get tipsy enough to not care about life, get a tattoo. are you friends with your neighbors? nope. what’s your favorite planet? saturn! do you sing in the shower? no what's your favorite disney movie?  tlk what do you do when you can't sleep?  get back on the laptop, usually... do you know anyone who is blind? in one eye, yes. do you have a good singing voice? nope do you ever listen to music in languages besides english? german, yes. when you're sad do you prefer sad music or happy music? SAD. happy music will make me angry. do you have a favorite type of bird? owls did you have a webkinz when you were younger?  FUCK YEAH I DID would you rather go to japan or greece? wow that's hard. uhhhh... greece? why is the world still existing?   god doesn't want it to end yet? did america really put a man on the moon?   i think so. are there any television shows you’re looking forward to in the next few months?  no, i don't watch tv. when it’s time to dress up for a special occasion, are you more likely to wear a dress, a skirt, or dress pants?   dress, i guess. what band/celebrity/etc do you know the most information about? who would you like to learn more about?   i know a bit too much about ozzy osbourne lmao the last news you got that shocked you, what was it, and was it good news or bad news?   bad. if you have pets, who normally puts food and water in their dish?  depends on the pet have you ever taken a "break" of any sort in a relationship?   no, i don't believe in taking breaks. do you organize the pictures on your computer into different folders or are they all just under "my pictures"?   in my old laptop, they were organized.  new one, nah, 'cuz i don't have many pictures. do you think if someone is in a relationship, that it is acceptable to have sleepovers with other people of their preferred sex?   sure, so long they're not doing sexual things. do you feel uncomfortable sharing things like artwork or poetry you've written? Is it because you don't think it's good enough to show off or because it's too personal?  FUCKING YES BC IT'S PERSONAL have you ever played a drinking game? which ones?   i have not. do you like word or picture tattoos better?   pictures, generally. have you ever tasted goat’s milk?   no. have you cried in the past week?   yeah do you think you could handle having an autistic or mentally disabled child?   i sure would hope so. if you were given the chance to go scuba diving, would you?   hell yeah! have you ever seen a live seahorse?   yep. what color did you first ever dye your hair?  i got purple highlights sour skittles or regular?   sour when did you last visit a tattoo parlor? what were you in there for? do you often go into tattoo parlors?  some months ago when i had to photograph a person who works with their hands doing their work.  it was cool.  i don't go to tat parlors often, though.  i wish! in the past year, have you lost weight or gained weight? how much?   don't wanna go into how much i gained... is there a specific time you eat lunch every day, or is it always different?   i eat at exactly 12 PM

[racketnews]

Why are 2/3rds of US children ‘not proficient’ in math? Leading teacher demonstrates: texts LIE about ‘real-world math problems’, stupefy children to tune-out from counting what’s most important (like US .01% admitting they ‘lost’ $21 TRILLION of taxes)

*hyperlinks/videos live at source* hat tip: David Icke The US Department of Education reports that two-thirds of American school children are not proficient in mathematics (here, here). In 2016 I wrote an article series about public education that includes a section on math that documents: 1. Math texts lie about “real world math problems” with ridiculous and contrived word problems. 2. Math texts don’t even care to define mathematics or algebra. 3. Algebra 1 fail rates are up to 50% of students, and is connected to the above two points along with less than 1% of adults using algebraic formulas in work. The outcomes of such “education” include: 1. Americans concluding “math” is difficult and something to tune-out from; stupefying us from counting what’s most important in Life like US .01% “leaders” admitting they “lost” $21 trillion of our taxes (~$200,000 per average US household). Please pause to let that fact penetrate. 2. Training Americans as work animals to blindly obey a rogue state empire. 3. Americans blaming themselves as being “bad” at math, and too stupid to seriously engage in the numbers associated with competent citizenship. Math-hole Ph.D text author LIARS Those of us who apply mathematics to quantify reality, understand as comprehensively as possible what exists, and use math as a scorecard to upgrade real-world conditions abhor liars. Fraudulent data makes it impossible to understand the real world, misdirects our attention and work, and wastes valuable time. As you know, professionals quickly dismiss proven liars, and remove them from serious work. Again, look here for three examples of typical lying math word problems, that cannot be excused as anything but intentional lying with rejection to consult with anyone doing real-world work. Here are three more from the 1,200 page Algebra 1 text provided to my students. These are typical: From Module 14 Rational exponents and radicals, consider this claimed “real-world problem” on page 660: “The balls used in soccer, baseball, basketball, and golf are spheres. How much material is needed to make each of the balls in the table? The formula for the surface area of a sphere is 4????r2 and the formula for the volume of a sphere is V = 4/3????r3 . Use algebra to find the formula for the surface area of a sphere given its volume.” (table provided for the four balls’ volumes) Paraphrasing usual student observations: Oh my balls! Are these things empty of “material” and only have surface area?! This says the balls have nothing inside. Maybe the math-hole authors have the same problem of nothing inside their heads. Maybe so because they didn’t ask anyone who actually makes those balls. Golf balls are not spheres. It’s some other fucking shape with all those dimples. Not that this matters because I think the shit inside the ball is just as important as the outside cover for the ball to be any good for that sport. Yeah, we should just judge those balls by the cover and not look inside, just like we should ignore what’s inside our math book. People who use balls want to be good in those sports. Nobody good at those sports ever ever ever ever ever even thought of such a dumb-ass problem to waste their time. From Module 22 Using square roots to solve quadratic equations, consider this claimed “real-world problem” on page 894: “A contractor is building a fenced-in playground at a daycare. The playground will be rectangular with its width equal to half its length. The total area will be 5000 square feet. Determine how many feet of fencing the contractor will use.” Paraphrasing usual student observations: WTF (what the fence)? Just fence and no gates? Real contractors charge extra for gates ‘cuz they take more time. Are they going to throw the kids over the fence, dig a tunnel, or put slides over it for kids to get in and out? Where is the building where kids are inside??? The daycare isn’t connecting the fence to the building?! Nobody would do that. The kiddie cage the math-hole authors say is real isn’t at an existing daycare ‘cuz they’d already have a fence to keep the kids safe. Maybe a replacement fence would be real, but not this shit with a convenient 5,000 exact square feet that just happens to be a number that works evenly for a word problem about square roots. And anyway, if they know the area is 5,000, then they already know the width and length and don’t need to ask anyone. From Module 19 Graphing quadratic functions, consider this claimed “real-world problem” on page 1037 (with picture of a parabola): “Describe what the vertex, y-intercept, and endpoint(s) represent in the situation, and then determine the equation of the function. This graph models the depth in yards below the water’s surface (y-axis) of a dolphin before and after it rises to take a breath and descends again. The depth (d) is relative to time (t, in seconds as the x-axis), and t=0 when the dolphin reaches a depth of 0 yards at the surface.” Paraphrasing usual student observations: Wait. The math-holes say a dolphin swims up to zero to “take a breath.” The graph shows air as the positive numbers, and water in negative numbers. This means these dumb-x authors violate the definition of zero and don’t even notice :) No animal moves at perfectly constant speed in a perfect parabola. This is bullshit. So these authors find nothing in reality to show us other than these fake puzzles. Nice. The graph the math-holes give us show a speed of about 50 mph at 4 seconds before and after the fake “breath” where there’s no air. Is this a magic rainbow dolphin that’s the fastest in the universe? Will the magic dolphin be going 5,000 mph or so 10 seconds from the fake air? What’s an educated person to do? Call bullshit for what it is to expose liars, remove the liars, and rebuild with truth. Again, I wrote a series on the problem of bullshit public education. Next: see the bigger pattern of lies and empire, and remove those liars through lawful arrests: When Americans are told an election is defined by touching a computer screen without a countable receipt that can be verified, they are being told a criminal lie to allow election fraud. This is self-evident, but Princeton, Stanford, and the President of the American Statistical Association are among the leaders pointing to the obvious (and here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here). Again, no professional would/can argue an election is legitimate when there is nothing for anyone to count. The facts show Bernie Sanders won the Democratic Primary election, and claims by Democratic “leadership” of Russian election “meddling” are without factual documentation. US military now illegally occupy eight bases in Syria (and here), with escalating bombing of Syria and Iraq of over 4,000 bombs/month and over 84,000 since 2014. The US acknowledges ~500 civilian deaths from these bombs, with independent count of ~750 in just in June 2017. Among dozens of independent writers, I’ve documented that all “reasons” for wars on Iran, Syria, and Russia are easily proved lies (recently, here, here, here, and going back to 2005), with US Department of illegal Wars of Aggression (so-called “Defense”) claiming to have “lost” $65,000 for every US household. The US is a literal rogue state empire led by neocolonial looting liars. The history is uncontested and taught to anyone taking comprehensive courses. If anyone has any refutations of this professional academic factual claim for any of this easy-to-read and documented content, please provide it. Rogue state empire is the most accurate term to describe the US for the following reasons: People around the world view the US as the greatest threat to peace; voted three times more dangerous than any other country. The data confirm this conclusion: Since WW2, Earth has had 248 armed conflicts. The US started 201 of them. These US-started armed attacks have killed ~30 million and counting; 90% of these deaths are innocent children, the elderly and ordinary working civilian women and men. The US has war-murdered more than Hitler’s Nazis. The total deaths caused by rogue state empire for resource control (natural and human) in the last 20 years is ~400 million, more than all total wars and violence in all recorded Earth history. US ongoing lie-started and Orwellian-illegal Wars of Aggression require all US military and government to refuse all war orders because there are no lawful orders for obviously unlawful wars. Officers are required to arrest those who issue obviously unlawful orders. And again, those of us working for this area of justice are aware of zero attempts to refute this with, “War law states (a, b, c), so the wars are legal because (d, e, f).” All we receive is easy-to-reveal bullshit. The destruction of nearly all rights lawfully guaranteed in the US Bill of Rights within the US Constitution, and in Orwellian inversion of limited government. Corporate media are criminally complicit through constant lies of omission and commission to “cover” all these crimes. Historic tragic-comic empire is only possible through such straight-face lying, making our Emperor’s New Clothes analogy perfectly chosen. The top three benefits each of monetary reform and public banking total ~$1,000,000 for the average American household, and would be received nearly instantly. Please read that twice and imagine the connection between having a rogue state empire to enrich an oligarchy combined with internal financial manipulation to maximize those parasitical riches. Now look to verify for yourself. Iran has never threatened to “wipe Israel off the map” and only has IAEA-verified legal energy and medicine programs with nuclear materials. Trump and corporate media continues and escalates easily-verified lies to threaten more illegal war on Iran. Israel engages in lie-started and illegal War of Aggression on Gaza; ironically the largest concentration camp in world history. This is also easy to verify. Categories of crime include: Wars of Aggression (the worst crime a nation can commit). Likely treason for lying to US military, ordering unlawful attack and invasions of foreign lands, and causing thousands of US military deaths. Crimes Against Humanity for ongoing intentional policy of poverty that’s killed over 400 million human beings just since 1995 (~75% children; more deaths than from all wars in Earth’s recorded history). US military, law enforcement, and all with Oaths to support and defend the US Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic, face an endgame choice: Demand arrests, with those with lawful authority to enact it. An arrest is the lawful action to stop apparent crimes, with the most serious crimes documented here meaning the most serious need for arrests. Watch the US escalate its rogue state crimes that annually kill millions, harm billions, and loot trillions. In just 90 seconds, former US Marine Ken O’Keefe powerfully states how you may choose to voice “very obvious solutions”: arrest the criminal leaders (video starts at 20:51, then finishes this episode of Cross Talk): 3-minute video: Police, Military – Was your Oath sincere? I make all factual assertions as a National Board Certified Teacher of US Government, Economics, and History (also credentialed in Mathematics), with all economic factual claims receiving zero refutation since I began writing in 2008 among Advanced Placement Macroeconomics teachers on our discussion board, public audiences of these articles, and international conferences (and here). I invite readers to empower their civic voices with the strongest comprehensive facts most important to building a brighter future. I challenge professionals, academics, and citizens to add their voices for the benefit of all Earth’s inhabitants. ** Carl Herman worked with both US political parties over 18 years and two UN Summits with the citizen’s lobby, RESULTS, for US domestic and foreign policy to end poverty. He can be reached at Carl_Herman@post.harvard.edu Note: My work from 2012 to October, 2017 is on Washington’s Blog. Work back to 2009 is blocked by Examiner.com (and from other whistleblowers), so some links to those essays are blocked. If you’d like to search for those articles other sites may have republished, use words from the article title within the blocked link. Or, go to http://archive.org/web/, paste the expired link into the box, click “Browse history,” then click onto the screenshots of that page for each time it was screen-shot and uploaded to webarchive (blocked author pages: here, here). http://dlvr.it/QSlmDC

[ninatodita]

1. Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid. Being in the present 2. What was your favorite musical group when you were a kid? probably the black eyed peas or smth 3. When was the first time that you had alcohol? like 10  4. What is your worst dating experience? a guy showed me a picture of himself on a motorcycle as a way to “impress” me. i got like second hand embarrassment  5. What is the craziest thing you have ever done? if i ever told my mom that i smoked cigarettes in my room when i was younger she would hit me. so probably that 6. Name one thing that not many people know about you. i’m scared my ass is starting to sag 7. What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death? being quietly powerful 8. Do you have any phobias? heights  9. Name three countries you would like to visit. greece, peru, and india 10. If your house was on fire and you could grab only 3 things before leaving, what would they be? id, credit card, a sweater for later 11. Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets? ya 12. Do you believe in the paranormal? ya 13. What would be your dream job? having a desk in an office and i just do paperwork and input data in a computer. i get an hour for lunch and there’s parking right outside the building.                                               

14. If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? money, the desire to work out, and better natural eyebrows/ eyelashes

15. If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? i like my first name but i would drop my dad’s last name and take my great-grandmas 16. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? new orleans 17. If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left. eat, cry, listen to haydn 18. What crazy activities do you dream of trying someday? adopting a baby

19. If you could go on a road trip with any person (dead or alive), who would you choose and where would you go? i would choose prince and we would go where ever he would want to go 20. Any tattoos or pierced body parts? piercings on my face 21. What’s your favorite color? like that 70s mustard color and pastel purple 22. What is your favorite flower? plumeria 23. What is on your bedside table? lamp, glasses case, hand lotion, mouth guard, sleep mask, headphones, vicks, and 2 stuffed animals  24. What was your best Halloween costume for Halloween? dressed up as lydia from beetlejuice 25. If you could be any cartoon character, who would you be? gene belcher 26. Are you a morning or night person? neither 27. Name a singer whose voice you can’t stand. iggy azealia or however u spell that bitchs name

28. If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do? trapeze 29. What do you remember about your high school prom? my pretty dress and how there was no food  30. What’s your favorite holiday? halloween  31. Have you ever been mentioned in a newspaper? yes actually  32. Have you ever gone skinny dipping or streaking? no 33. What body part do you get caught staring at? asses and boobs ..the usual 34. Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic? boringly, the latter  35. What is your most treasured possession? my car 36. Adult Beverage of choice? cider 37. What is your favorite food? pasta the way i make it tho 38. Can you fake any accents? thick irish but only for like 30 secs  39. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their ugly ass faces 40. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? eat ass..im sorry im not brave enough 41. If you had to live under the sea what kind of an animal would you be? starfish 42. Most hated chore on the household chore list? buying groceries 43. In life who has had the most influence on you? my grandma 44. If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do?  45. If you could be one kind of beer which one would you be and why? i dont know beer  46. What extremely difficult life situation have you overcome and how did you do it? uhhh pass 47. What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? i didnt wear underwear one time and then wore a dress like a fucking moron. it was windy...etc 48. If you could choose, how would you want to die? laying in bed with clean sheets 49. If you could change the world what would you do? lmao 50. Name 1 thing you love about being an adult i take better care of myself now than when i was younger obv 51. Which would you rather have, $50,000 or true love? my instinct is to go for the money  52. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no not always 53. What song always makes you happy when you hear it? heart love -albert ayler 54. Who’s the funniest person you know? my old coworker  55. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? the voicemail at my dentist office 56. How big is your bed? its literally 2 military cots pushed together and held in place with 2 mattress toppers 57. What is the wallpaper on your cellphone? a painting of a dog gnawing at the cork of a wine bottle 58. What’s the first thing you thought about this morning? will i be forced to do errands with others 59. Are you afraid of the dark? sometimes 60. 3 things you cannot live without? this list is making me realize how boring i am. i cant think of anything besides the obvious: credit card, headphones, clean underwear etc 61. Favorite song? if i cant have you -etta james and harvey fuqua 62. Are you a giver or a taker? a lil bit a both  63. Virgin or not? no  64. Are you very sarcastic? sometimes 65. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? pfft no i slide those mf right off 66. Which you favorite icecream flavor? coffee  67. What was the last drink you drank? water 68. Do you prefer hugs or kisses? uhh by who? in general, none. 69. Have you ever gone cow-tipping? no im not a total loser 70. Do you like to sing in the shower? always 71. What’s your favorite midnight snack? captain crunch cereal 72. Whats your favorite movie? the first thing that came to mind was waynes world  73. Have you ever gambled at a casino? no and i never will 74. Have you thrown up in a car? no? 75. Do you scream on roller coasters? no 76. When did you go to your first funeral? 7 yrs old 77. Where did you go on your first airplane ride? 6 yrs old 78. Whats your favorite season? fall 79. Who was your imaginary friend? no one 80. Date someone older or younger? older 81. If you don’t know the words to a song do you improvise? usually 82. What turns you on about the opposite sex? chris hemsworth & winston duke 83. What turns you off about the opposite sex? arrogance and lack of self reflection 84. What scares you the most and why? dying and knowing im dead cuz its scary yo 85. What do you do in your free time? lay in bed and waste time 86. Name 3 things in nature you find most beautiful? birds chirping early in the morning, fog, and when sunlight peaks through thick canopies in the rainforest 87. Tell me about something you really regret? oh god so many little things  88. Tell me about your favorite book, magazine or comic? calvin and hobbes is nostalgic  89. Something or someone you miss the most from childhood? does myself count 90. Your best friend dies, what would you do? mourn  91. What is your zodiac sign? cancer 92. Name a couple of T.V. shows you watch a lot? the office, jane the virgin, the nanny, living single 93. Name a movie or movies you can watch over and over? beverly hills cop, zodiac, contagion, the princess and the frog 94. Would you ever go skinny dipping? if the water is warm 95. Have you been told you can sing well more than once? no lol  96. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? ballerinas were sitting on the banister and then one jumped on my back and tried to murder me 97. What were you doing the last time you really had a good laugh? teaching kids origami 98. What is your happiest childhood memory? the summer in mexico 99. If you could take a one month trip anywhere and money was not a consideration, where would you go? new york  100. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? consistency