#it’s difficult cuz that comic was a month of my life

[raysdrawlings]

I was scrolling through youtube and just saw your zelink comic as a videos thumbnail

(a dub video, tho the dub was made with text-to-speech)

it's pretty cool seeing art by someone i follow randomly at random places

(oh, and they did put your blog's link in their description)

Thanks for letting me know! 😔

My current dubbing policy that I’m fine if the comic is a one-off comic, i love dubs! But if it’s a series of mine composed of several parts (Over 3) I do not want it dubbed.

I ask that anyone wanting to do a dub of my comic, please ask first!

I really wanna avoid situations where I have to ask someone to take something down they spent time and work on, cuz I know that totally sucks, and I’m so appreciative that someone likes the comic I made- and I think we can avoid all this with just a simple “hey can I dub this?”.

So please ask!! It’ll also let me know when I can watch the dubs I’m comfortable with! ✨ And I’d love to see them!

[daveyfvckingjacobs]

Okay so me and @ vie-138 & @ inhuman-horrors have talked abut blink being a Pyro!

@buncha-angry-kids-with-no-money and @lyssiebiird have got me on Jack, blink, skittery are besties causing trouble train.

Spot protective train

I need your thoughts on who and for how long has been to the refuge cuz I have thoughts!!

hi anon I fell asleep so sorry about that ANYWAYS HCS

pyro blink is so fun actually. constantly nicking lighters, running his fingers through the flames so all the littles think he’s fireproof. burning all the unsold newspapers at the end of the day one by one and making a whole comical ritual out of it to cheer up anyone who sold badly. he experiments constantly with what will and won’t burn, wee plasters everywhere and definitely patched clothes that are a teeny bit singed around the edges. that comforting smoke smell hanging off him (that’s nicer than race’s cigar smell)

bastard trio yes. jack comes up with all the little schemes and plots and is usually the one to bat his eyes and get them out of it with his sweet talking. blink is very good at getting where he shouldn’t be or having what he shouldn’t have and has perfected his innocent face. skittery is the sentry, kicking his feet and minding his own business while sending everyone in the exact wrong direction when they ask where the others are

spot is SO protective in a very quiet way. while jack is a loud, obvious protective, spot is subtle about it. littles getting shit from older kids? wordless look from across the room until they’re left alone. someone’s struggling to sell? they’ll magically find an extra coin or two, hotshot or mack around to help. scaring off scabs and making sure more food goes to those who need it most. spot’s protectiveness is shown entirely through actions and never in a way that draws attention to it but all the brooklyn newsies know it’s there. spot acts like they don’t give a damn but god help you if you mess with one of their newsies

ohhhh anon my refuge thoughts are something. so many of the newsies have been there for one stretch of time or another. sometimes weeks, others months but most of them know what it looks like inside. as for specific characters my thoughts of as follows:

oscar and morris - from 7 and 5 respectively to when they were both 12 (morris having been there two years longer). they were handed over as opposed to sentenced/caught in any way and have a lot of built up anger about it. they knew/saw a lot of newsies while they were there but don’t really made that connection

jack - constantly in and out for short stretches throughout his whole life. the longest was when he was 12 for over a year, the shortest only a fortnight at 14. he hasn’t been since he was 15 by the time canon rolls around because he’s sure going in there again would kill him, and is more determined than he’s ever been to avoid it. he got smarter after he escaped and realised the newsies needed him, so basically wised up

crutchie/y - only once and he won’t talk about it at all, trying to put on a brave face for the others so they don’t worry about him. it was the most difficult two weeks of his life, and he truly believed for a little while that he would die in there

finch - a very short stretch when he was 11 after running away. his parents reclaimed him before he scarpered again but made very sure to avoid it this time around, living on the streets/in parks instead

albert - has never been in himself, but visits the windows on a regular basis because of benji (uksies) at risk of being caught. it gets harder and harder for him too, as security increases with every escape but he’s determined

race - three months when he was 15. tried to escape but fractured his leg and suffered immensely for it, so even if it was a relatively short stretch it it definitely hurt him mentally

skittery - he was very young, only 4 with a group of kids to look out for him. when they left (he doesn’t know why) he was left on his own and struggled a lot to survive. was let out along with a few other less troublesome littles due to severe overcrowding when he was 9

[cinnamogai]

aaa hi ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و u said u wouldnt mind ppl ranting abt our gender + pronouns soo heres my rant ig since gender + pronouns r a HUGEE interest of mine

my gender is constantly changing, sometimes i have a hard time keeping up w it and a hard time telling what it is, my main gender is noenfluid tho ! right now i cant decipher what my gender is, i’ll let u know once i find out dkdj i love having a fluid gender tho cuz one day i can be a really dark xenogender and then i can be the opposite the next day. its as if my genders constantly on the move

i also havent decided on a set of pronouns yet since pronouns are way more confusing to figure out, with gender, i just know instantly what it is. i adore trying out different pronouns though and currently im just dropping my pronouns for now ! its so fun scrolling through tumblr or different neopronoun lists or even making up different neopronouns/nounpronouns :))

sometimes it can get difficult since i like having my pronouns, gender, aesthetic, lifestyle etc. all be aligned and all corelate so i tend to box myself (i think bc of my autism? or ocd?) in which makes it hard for me to figure it out added on with my insecurities, it gets hard. but im working on it everyday and each day i become more comfortable in my gender identity :)

ive also learnt that i figure things out at a slower pace so even tho my friends have already figured out who they are months ago, im gonna take my time ♡

sorry if my rant was too long !!

!! my response is gonna be long too lol don’t worry!! i’ll tag long post for all of y’all who don’t like reading this stuff, though i must say the way you type is very exciting, feels like im reading a comic book.

gender and pronouns can be so confusing so it’s very valid that you are taking your time, cause i am too! it can be a bit hard to come out of your shell and accept that you feel things about yourself that you didn’t before. so do all that! switch it up! life was made to be lived and gosh my life consists of a lot of contemplating my gender lol. i also get the stress of fitting your identity into a certain aesthetic box, but gender is all about you! and you can’t fit into a box so you shouldn’t expect your identity to either. i’m learning to kinda expand horizons and realize that gender isn’t just what i want to be, it’s what i’ve always been yk? that’s way too deep lol. thank you sm for sharing!! <3 <3

[girzapata6]

Oh, yeah, I remembered I had this in my USB that I made like one month ago... I was hesitating if uploading it or not since it was supposed to be like some kind of mini-comic-idk-what(?), but as how you can see, I didn't finished it, they’re just sketches, sorry x’’d

Anyway, this still be useful for explaining some small headcanons I got for this AU...

... That it’s that the undead creatures cannot remember their past lifes since they get “Reprogramed” to just attack the player in the night or even make another tasks (Like protecting dungeons, spawners, mines, etc). Tho they might can get them back, but it’s really difficult to do so.

Also another headcanon was that there are kingdoms: The Sea Kingdom (Which is ruled by the linage of the Guardians), Minecarft (The earth?? The Land Kingdom or whatever), The End is also a Kingdom ruled of course by the Ender Dragon and The Nether wich is ruled by Herobrine himself, but he won’t make any kind of appearence in this AU cuz as how I said at the start of this, I don’t really want him actually on this since it’s just all about the Mercs as mobs/players and that stuff, y’know? Anyway, all these kingdoms (Mostly only the Land, the Water and the Nether) try as much as possible to not interact with eachother, since they’re are in like some kind of war, but not at all... It’s more like a cold war?? So that’s why the Mobs can get kinda hostile to each other... Even if they're on the same kingdom.(?

Anyway, that’s all, I really hope u like this even if it isn’t complete and are just sketches x’‘d

[enthusiastic-sarcastic]

For You (Part Two)

Pairing: Fionn Whitehead x Reader

Request: “Could you please write something based on any of Fionn and Joe songs? Like the story behind Don’t Go or For You, maybe?”

Warnings: Angst, some fluff.

A/N: Here’s the second part. Blame the mobile app for the weird spacing. I hope you enjoy!! I recommend listening to the song while you read, you can find it on YouTube or Fionn and Joe’s SoundCloud account (I would post it here but for some reason the link isn’t working cuz again tumblr is mean).

[Part One]

The room grows silent, as his slightly chapped lips press against yours, his eyes closed as if scared of your reaction. After what seems like an eternity, you’re finally kissing him back, and the room picks up again. Spinning as you place your hands over the sides of his face to pull him closer. Spinning when you let out a muffled moan against his lips with the release of all of the unspoken tension. Spinning when you quickly pull away from him, and he has to catch his breath again.

And now, you’re shaking your head, and so suddenly this night is reminding him of that one.

“No, I can’t—We can’t.”

Fionn’s breath is labored as he tries to come up with the right words to address the impending argument.

“I know—Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking—I ended things, I shouldn’t have-”

“You can’t do this to me. This can’t keep happening. Why did you kiss me when you made the decision about us years ago, Fionn?”

You’re quick to stand up, and all Fionn wants to do is grab you and never let go. But he understands your anger. He understands that look in your eye that he couldn’t quite place before.

“Because I think I’m still in love with you.”

You scoff at his words, your eyes getting red and puffy as more tears fall silently onto your cheeks. He attempts to make eye contact with you, but it’s almost as if you can’t bring yourself to look at him, and he can’t blame you as his heart beats painfully within his chest.

“You think? That’s not fair, Fionn.”

“No, god, I know that I’m still in love with you.”

“No, you know what—I can’t listen to this. I can’t bear it. I can’t stand the thought of knowing that you still love me in the same way that I love you. You’re making it impossible to move on, even years later, Fionn.”

“I—”

“I know, I get it. You wanted me to be happy and you figured that the relationship was only prohibiting that due to the demands of your career and I respect your decision. It took me a while but I truly do…But that doesn’t mean that I can just forget your words and move on—that doesn’t mean that we can just start over—it still hurts, Fionn, and I don’t want to complicate things any further.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be here…this should’ve never happened. I really shouldn’t intrude on your life, that’s not...that’s not my place anymore.” He’s shaking, with his hands stuffed into his jacket pockets and his eyes turned forcibly away from yours, as his vision becomes blurry and the room continues to spin.

And just like that, the silence has returned. And he can’t stand it when he knows that you’re standing right there with tears running down your face.

Eventually, he hears you sigh, before he feels your hand being placed onto his arm—a comforting touch.

“Fionn, I don’t want to lose you again…”

Your voice is constricted by the small sobs that fall from your lips,

“Can’t we just be friends? Go back—way back—to the way things used to be? That way, even though we’re almost always miles apart, it’ll seem like things haven’t changed—like we can just pick up where we left off—in those few moments when we can enjoy each other’s company, without all the hurt.”

I don’t see their faces

They walk right past by me

But it’s just empty spaces

A friend’s telling me to stop dreamin’

But I just can’t shake off this feelin’

The walk to the cafe seems to go on for ages before Fionn finally arrives at the scuffed doors of the place, just a few minutes before he’s expected, and that makes him increasingly more nervous than before.

After his last encounter with you—after that fated kiss—Fionn, against the pressure of a past heartbreak, agreed to attempt to reconcile your friendship with him.

Although, now, as he sits on a wooden stool at the counter, coffee in hand and heart racing at the mere thought of seeing your face again for the first time in eight months, he doesn’t think he will survive the hour.

Strangers walk by the glass window beside the counter, but his eyes don’t register anything except masses of grey and blue. In fact, his entire surroundings start to slowly bleed together, as his mind grows fuzzy in preparation to see you walk towards the cafe—towards him.

If Fionn was being honest with himself, he didn’t think he could bear to talk to you without wanting to kiss you again. You were always a looming thought in his mind. And ever since that night and your agreement, it had become difficult for him to focus on anything else. Food suddenly had no taste. Music was suddenly just noise. And so, for the last few weeks, Fionn decided that it would be best to just dive into his work—to assume the role of another—in order to cope with his profound feelings.

But you knock me out of my trance

Please just give me

One more chance

With you

Feelings that suddenly come rushing back into him as he spots your figure walking towards the cafe and the color returns to his eyes and the world around him reanimates itself.

He fumbles to stand up from his chair, as you walk closer towards the counter, and suddenly you’re hugging him tightly, and he’s kissing your hair.

It takes a few moments for you to pull away from him, much to his delight, and the friendly smile returns to your face as you finally speak to him,

“It’s been so long.”

He nods in agreement, a smile growing on his face as he takes a seat, your words softly repeating in the back of his head as if pleading him to do something.

With you

Once you order your preferred coffee drink, you sit down in the seat next to him with your knees almost touching by their close proximity.

“So, not trying to be pushy but what can you tell me about your latest project, movie star?”

Fionn’s face visibly cringes at the sudden nickname and it sends you into fits of laughter,

“Honestly, all I can say is that it’s coming out sometime towards the end of next year…”

“Aww that’s it…” You whine jokingly, raising your eyebrows suggestively as if doing so would convince him to share his secrets with you.

“Hey, I signed a contract. You’re just gonna have to wait til the trailer comes out along with the rest of the world” He laughs at you when you cross your arms and sigh dramatically.

“What about you…Anything interesting happening in your life right now?”

“Well, work is…work. I just got back from New York on Friday after sitting through hours of business meetings over winning the rights from some author for the new film adaptation of some bestseller…”

You trail off and shake your head, taking a sip from your cup before placing it back onto the wooden counter,

“It’s been exhausting but I guess it’s worth it…”

He nods his head with a soft sigh, raising his cup up to you comically, and you quickly follow his suggestion, clinking the cups together as if to preach the truth behind your words.

But I’m missing

The way that I used to be

I’m missing

The days when I was happy

I’m missing

The things that made me believe

That you and me

By the time that Fionn finally notices the empty state of your cups, the rain has really started to pick up outside, beating ruthlessly against the brick exterior of the building insomuch that it disrupts the sultry jazz tune that plays on the speakers scattered across the room.

“It was very odd to see you on screen, just casually chopping away at your fictional dad’s body…The whole time I just felt really bad about torturing your character, but in the end it was kind of amusing.” You chuckle, and Fionn shakes his head at you,

“Yeah, the layout of that entire scene was so morbid but honestly I had fallen—we all had fallen—so deeply into the hole of the project that I didn’t really think very much of it…I was drained.”

Fionn can’t help but admire the way that your eyes look under the dim lighting of the room as the rain continues to fall outside and a rumble of thunder echoes from the distance.

“Honestly, I almost cried when I got to the ending where Stefan travels back in time to be with his mom and ends up dying in his therapist’s office. That was one of the good endings but it was still so hard to sit through” You sigh contently, and start fidgeting with your hands as you lean against the tabletop.

Suddenly a phone rings, interrupting the peaceful silence that had settled between the two of you, and Fionn becomes suddenly aware of just how quick you are to grab your phone from the purse dangling from your chair.

A smile appears across your cheeks as the screen lights up, projecting a dull blue hue across your features. A smile that makes him wonder whether or not it appears on your face whenever you see that he’s texted you.

“Damn, I’ve gotta go…I’m sorry to cut this short but I have somewhere to be in an hour and I really need to change out of these clothes.”

You glance up at Fionn with apologetic eyes and a warm smile.

“Ooh why…do you have a fancy date or something?” Fionn teases, without really thinking about the meaning of his words.

“Actually…yeah…” You trail off and his face seems to visibly drop as you fiddle anxiously with you fingers again and continue,

“It’s just a small dinner and movie thingy with this guy that deals with our legal defense team at work…”

Fionn wants to smile, he truly does, but for some reason, it’s as if his body has frozen in place, and he can only stare back into your eyes,

You seem to fidget under his gaze, shaking your head as you look at him,

“I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable…that was really bad timing…I hope this doesn’t screw up the opportunity to see you again.”

Your words send his heart racing, and the color returns to his cheeks as he clears his throat in an attempt to clear the emotion lingering in the back of it,

“No. Sorry, it’s just—I’m sorry if I gave you that impression…It may not seem like it but I’m really happy for you, (Y/N)…Truly. I’m happy that you’re happy. I’ll always support you.”

He manages a smile the best he can—one that even crinkles the edges of skin around his eyes—and that seems to convince you because your lips curl into a smile that matches his.

“Thanks, Fionn…”

You throw your arms around him and hug him tightly—almost desperately—and he quickly succumbs to your embrace, nuzzling his nose into your hair. Although Fionn realizes that his time with you is coming to an end, he can’t bring himself to push down the numb feeling anymore. As you part from his arms, it begins to feel as if a part of himself goes with you, but you remain close enough to him that he can collect his thoughts.

“I’m happy that you’re in my life again” You admit, pulling up the strap of your purse onto your shoulder,

“And I hope that you’ve found happiness too”

Fionn’s heartbeat continues to speed up at your words, beating against his chest like the rain that drummed heavily against the rooftop of the stuffy room, and he finds himself able to fight off the impending sadness traveling through him.

He doesn’t want to let his feelings get in the way of your growing friendship. He doesn’t want to screw up it all up when it’s only just begun. He doesn’t want to—he can’t—stand to watch you walk out of his life again.

In all of the chaos of dealing with the perplexity of his own emotions, Fionn is only barely able to hear your utterance of goodbye before he finds himself waving in your direction, a routine smile plastered onto his face.

You give him one last wave before you turn around and walk out of the doors of the cafe and Fionn finds himself staring blankly at the spot where you once stood as the jazz music fades out from the speakers overhead and he suddenly has to blink tears away.

Stop crying

Stop crying

Well I’m crying

I’m crying

For you

[forgettinggirlinterrpted]

5/8 - 5/13/19

It’s so easy sometimes to forget why I’m here. That’s my problem- I forget things. I forget my keys, I forget to turn my car off when I get gas, once I even forgot I biked somewhere and ended up walking home.

But worse than that, I forget emotions. I forget how miserable not having AC in my car makes me until late April rolls around, I forget when I’m mad at someone, I forget how happy I felt during some of the most important moments in my life. Most importantly- I forget when I’m sad.

I have brief moments that pop up in a sea of darkness that allow me, for just a moment, to laugh and feel like a real person. These moments happen a lot. I can see light and laughter during a panic attack before the flip switches and my brain turns back into a train running off static electricity and black mold. The fog clears for just a brief stop on the tracks and the mold crawls back to its host.

But same as the the fog clears, eventually so does my forgetfulness. My ability to forget is just as weak as it is powerful. Slowly but surely those mold covered trains start moving again with no clear destination. The black creeps in as I sit in the real world, hunched over, grasping onto my surroundings- yet failing to grasp onto any sort of consistent breathing pattern. I can forget sadness, but I can just as quickly forget happiness.

So here I am, in the day room of a psychiatric hospital, surrounded by people just like me. We have become our own ragtag group of misguided grownups. When I arrived here 7 days ago almost a year after my last admission to this hospital, I felt the trains moving at full speed through a pile of sludge. I stared at the painting on the wall and began to fear that here, I may not be able to utilize my warped superpower: my ability to forget.

But slowly, the other patients and I have begun to forget together- somehow forgetting without truly forgetting. Together, we can laugh not through the pain, but alongside it. This is the place where I don't have to feel bad for my moments of forgetfulness. Moments of comic relief and simple enjoyment. I don’t need to feel like my laughter negates my 10-year-old depression diagnosis.

Here, we are embracing those moments. We embrace the moments of happiness and sadness- in whichever order they decide to arrive. In a room full of people so different it looks like the set-up to a bad joke, we can forget in a place that is simultaneously forcing us to remember.

When I got here, my doctors told me to embrace the community. “If you don’t want to talk about your anxiety and depression, then just listen.” So I listened. And then I started talking.

One night, we all gathered in the day room, attempting to avoid the loneliness of our windowless rooms. As a Die Hard sequel blasted in the background, the addicts in the room discussed their journey through meth addiction. I asked questions. They answered. We all laughed. A heroin addict around my age told me, “seriously, don’t touch meth.”

The man next to me, Nate, said through the bustle of conversation and laughter, “are you here cuz of a drug?” I said no, and in his thick, mumbled, country accent he asked me, “then why you here?” 

I told him that I’m sad. 

He sighed, looked down at his folded hands and said, “yeah, I’m sad too.”

Nate loves movies and reading, M&M cookies, and meth. Up until he injected 3 grams of “ice” in a suicide attempt, he has been living on the streets. I halfway listened to the ongoing conversation about how incredible and horrifying hard drugs can be as he told me about a time he was arrested after ending up inside a university dorm building thinking he lived there. We all took a brief break to laugh even more when another patient, also coming from a recent suicide attempt, tried to enter the conversation by saying he had only ever “done weed once.”

Later, in his mumbled speech, Nate told the group about when he was high and stood in the middle of park downtown for 4 hours with a knife in his hand. We asked him what the hell he was doing just standing there. 

He simply replied, “lookin’.” 

I think we were unable, or even unwilling to truly focus on the scary reality behind Nate standing in a public park, knife in hand, waiting for cops that neither we, or even Nate, knew for certain were even coming. 

So we just kept laughing.

As the night and following day before his release passed, I kept talking to Nate. I shared my extra cookies with him, and forced him to come paint in recreational therapy with me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how genuinely scared I would be if Nate tried to open my dorm room door in the middle of the night. Or if I saw him middle aged, 6’2”, with a bald head, tear drop tattoo, and the psychique of a retired bouncer, standing in park, knife in hand, having the time of his life.

I asked him if it scared him to be out of control like that. He said that was his favorite part; he didn’t mind losing control. Between him telling me about his attempt to end his life and the meth fueled antics that cost him both his new job in Florida and his boss’ iPad, I realized Nate was funny, knowledgeable, and vaguely socially aware.

During one of our conversations, we found ourselves trapped in a seminar about nutrition. He slapped his hands on his thighs and said, “well, time to go.” I whined and asked him to stay. My insistence on attending every activity offered was at odds with Nate’s style. A style that told me that maybe once he did have my naive enthusiasm towards recovery, but lost it somewhere along the way. He said “you want me to stay?” and plopped back into his chair. He knew I wanted him to be there, just as I had begged him earlier to attend a journaling group session- declining my invitation with a non-committal hand gesture and a “nah.”

We sat through the nutritionist explaining “My Plate,” an updated version of the food pyramid. Nate leaned sideways and quietly grumbled, “is that like MySpace,” and I chuckled quietly in a way that reminded me of my habit of exchanging bad jokes in attempts to survive a boring lecture. When the nutritionist asked what could be used as a meat substitute for protein, Nate shouted out every type of bean he could think of. She asked if anybody had eaten eggplant and he shouted, “oh hell yeah, I had an eggplant lasagna once and that shit was delicious.” His southern drawl made everything he said more melodic, and added a level of enthusiasm he often didn’t like to show- unless he is shouting expletives about his incredible experience with eggplant lasagna.

After I had completely tuned out the nutritionist and began to draw in my notebook, Nate leaned over and asked if we could be friends on Facebook. I sneakily handed him paper for him to write his name down. As he wrote, he told me he may not be able to respond for about 30 days.

It happened again. I had forgotten.

I had spent that day arguing with Nate about whether the book or movie version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is better. This was an especially unwinnable argument given that I had never seen the movie and only gotten 100 pages into the book, and Nate had only ever seen the movie. 

He had given me movie suggestions, quoted Carrie, and given me shit for thinking a Pink Floyd song playing on the radio was by the B-52’s. 

He ranted about the symbolism behind the music video for Another Brick in the Wall as he painted a birdhouse that he could have easily crushed by closing his fist.

So I forgot. I forgot when he interrupted my conversation with a social worker to mime towards my extra cookie I had leftover from snack time. He had already eaten the first one when I offered, and originally declined the second. 

I was happy he asked for this one though, since I had only asked for the extra cookies so I could give them to him. 

But he didn’t know that.

His casual mention of the 30 days made me chuckle, but also made me remember. Remember where I was, why I was here, and who I was talking to.

I remember that when we first met, Nate told me his father had been in this same hospital almost 23 years ago. He also told me he killed himself right after being discharged. He tried to tell me it didn’t bother him, but shrugged and mumbled, “I mean it prolly does but I don’t know.” I want to say he said it casually, but that wasn’t it. He wasn’t laughing, but he wasn’t crying either. Mainly, he seemed defeated. Tired, like this was just the beginning of a long list of bullshit he has tried to deal with in his own way.

He looked at me, but never fully turned his body. 

He told me the only thing he truly remembers about the day his dad died. 

During checkout, his dad checked a box on his discharge forms stating yes, he did think his time there had helped him. But his father made it clear to Nate that he didn’t think it helped his depression. When he asked his dad why he lied to the doctors, Nate’s father told him, “I just want to go home.”

This all flashes back, and I remember that despite a potential Facebook friendship, this was the last time I would see him. Mainly, I was forced to remember that I have no control over his sobriety- and that 2 days of talking and painting with a depressed 24-year-old is not going to keep him from running back to the life he is used to the moment things get difficult in his new facility.

I began to think about my plan of action if I see Nate in 30 days, 3 months, or 3 years from now, standing downtown waiting for a dealer, or embarking on one of the never-ending walks he takes to kill time when the meth steals his ability to sleep.

Would I stop for him? Am I prepared to know fully and truthfully that this attempt at sobriety had failed? That the system had failed? Am I ready to accept the fact that I live in a world where kind, smart, and funny people just aren’t given the chance at life they deserve?

I asked him why he thought this shot at sobriety would work, and he said, “I’m just tired man, this ain’t no life.” So again, I remember. I remember why he is here in the first place- Nate had tried to kill himself. What happens if this doesn’t all go according to plan? What’s next?

His favorite part of the drug he wants to quit is the lack of control, and his drug-fueled delusions grant him his own ability to forget. Nate wasn’t ashamed to tell me his stories, but made it clear he wasn’t particularly proud of them either- with an ambivalence that is both inspiring and troubling. 

I fear the thought of everything he hadn’t had time to tell me about. I worry about what will happen when he begins to allow himself to remember.

During our first conversation, I told Nate I was afraid to leave the hospital because I thought the real world was scary. Without fully looking at me Nate shrugged and said, “it’s only as scary as you let it be.” 

Before he checked out, I gave Nate my copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest to read in rehab. 

Maybe one day we can finally finish our debate on the merits of each version of the story. 

Selfishly, I mostly did this so Nate would remember me. But even if he throws the book away, I just hope he remembers to take his own advice. The world really is only as scary as we let it be.

In our groups sessions this past week, we have talked a lot about forgiveness and second chances. For the past 6 months, I have struggled to handle my anxiety and depression, making my constant battle between forgetting and remembering unbearable.

I’ve learned I need to give myself a second chance, and allow myself to to let go of the things that fuel the trains in my head.

Nate and I are both giving ourselves our own second chances- ones that might end up with us both back in this hospital. Ones that will be scary. 

Whether or not we crash and burn, these are second chances I think we both truly deserve.

The trains in my head will never fully stop, and that’s ok. I feel ready to go home. I feel ready to attempt to live in a world without fear.

And, for the sake of Nate and every single way our short friendship changed me- I just want to allow myself to forget, but always remember to remember.

[d-structive]

Artist asks: 2 - 15 - 19 - 20 - 27 - 31 (MWAHAHAHAHAHAAH! >8D)

Okay..SO!

2. How long have you been drawing?

Honestly as boring it can sound, my whole life. Is a passion I always had. I still have memory of me, at the daycare, drawing stuff, while the other kids play around for the room…

15. How long does an average piece take you to complete?

Uff..Depends, to be honest….Sometimes I need just few hours, sometimes I need few days, sometimes weeks or even months. Depends by what I’m drawing, HOW I’m drawing it and how motivated I am. I try to be as quick as possible when we talk about commission pics, but if I can, I take AAAALL the time I need. Rushing is never a good thing, when you talk about art.

19. What is the most difficult thing for you to draw? 

Backgrounds. Screw the backgrounds. I cannot draw backgrounds. I try to draw them. I DO TRY. But they ALWAYS look like shiet. This is also why I did started to draw those comic pages recently…It’s an excuse to make some practice. I still hate them, though. Also, hands, feet and backs are hell to draw. Also butts. Have you ever tried to draw a naked butt? Geisus, its hard. (YES. I did drawn naked butts in past. Don’t ask. SHUT UP.)

20. What is the easiest thing for you to draw? 

Frankly, there is never an easy thing to draw for me…Like…Everything gives you issues, eventually…Probably chibies and faces/expressions are one of the things I can draw kinda quickly? I dunno..You guys judge.

27. For digital artists: how many layers does a typical piece require? 

Again…Depends! Nobody draws and colors in the same way. Some people use just few layers, others use a bunch of layers cuz they add more shades, lights or details and they want to keep them all separated from each others…Let’s say that in MY case, a normal ass pic of mine requires…From 10 to 15 layers…More or less…I keep my stuff simple, bro!

31. Show us your oldest piece of art you have on hand.

To be frank, I have NO IDEA where my old pics are…Luckily. They were shit anyway. BUUUUT…I can show you the oldest pic I have on my Tumblr, though…Which is this crap here.

https://d-structive.tumblr.com/post/167121298232/anti-again-i-really-have-to-stop-to-watch-youtube#notes

[platinumdragonchaos]

LBJ goes to LA

Some people love the guy, some people hate him, some are kinda in between. All I know is that he’s gone and the Cavs won’t be contenders for many years now. They have no money for any moves because of everything they did the past few years to try and win and they have no picks for the same reason.  But hell, all teams have to rebuild at some point.  

It was worth it certainly, having lived in NE Ohio my whole life and watching sports teams disappoint year after year often makes me question why I watch sports in the first place.  But LeBron is the whole reason I started enjoying basketball years ago and it was fun getting some other people into it also. I had a good time these past four years watching four straight Finals appearances and seeing such a great player be tested against one of the greatest teams of all time.  I feel things were left undone from a fan’s standpoint, especially since getting swept in the finals this year was the worst blowout since they lost it all to the Spurs back in 2007.

Year one of ‘The Return’ was pretty great.  Roster moves and additions made for one helluva team and they were fun AF to watch.  I think Cleveland had a very strong chance in winning it all in 2015 if not for injuries. Hell, if Booby Gibson has been able to keep playing I’m almost sure the Cavs would have resigned him and you can’t tell me he wouldn’t have been a great addition to the team that year.  Gibson and Irving were starting to mesh despite injuries and problems off-court.  They managed to win 33 games in 2013, a huge improvement over the previous three seasons of 19, 21 and 24 wins.  The team sucked without LBJ but they were getting better.  When James returned I didn’t expect them to make it all the way to the Finals and even though they lost the finals in six games it cemented that James’ return was the best thing to happen to Cleveland basketball (and Cle sports in general) since LeBron was drafted.  Dude tried to will the team to victory but losing two starters pretty much sealed the deal.

Then the year they won it all.  The coach, Blatt getting fired midway through the season was crazy and I really didn’t think they would pull it off but it was a great season and finally being good at something was wonderful for the entire city.  They had done it and LBJ was the hero Cleveland had hoped for.  They also managed to be the first team in history to come back from a 3-1 deficit (beating the team with the most season wins in NBA history).  True grit won those last three games and it was incredible.  I figured it was over when they lost game four at home but after game six I could hardly believe they had tied the series.  Could they possibly beat these guys on their own turf? I could go on and on about it but you get the idea.  They did the unthinkable and Cleveland’s 50+ year championship drought was over.  Also the Indians went to game 7 of the World Series and ALMOST won.  So...friggin...close.  It’ll be hard to top 2016 in Cleveland sports...perhaps for the rest of my life.

Last year they looked as if they had a chance of winning again.  It was another great season and until the finals they only had one post season loss.  Golden State adding Kevin Durant was huge and I’m pretty sure we got Bogut since he was the only person to stand a chance at guarding KD but that injury was prophetic AF.  I still can’t believe he got sidelined after playing for less than a minute for the Cavs. Only winning one game that finals was such a disappointment but you could tell from the first game that they didn’t really have what it took to beat such a talented team two years in a row.  If they were gonna win again it would have been in 2017 when the core of the team was still intact.

Then this year.  Ugh, they looked like crap TBH...all the trades and other BS going on, defensive problems, bad coaching calls and especially Irving leaving...the list goes on and on.  LBJ had his best year as a player ever, played in every single game, put up crazy numbers, etc. but no one else really stood out this year.  Still not 100% sure what happened with Isaiah Thomas after all the hullaballo about him coming to the team even though he was injured and then playing like crap but there were so many roster moves I forgot that Derrick Rose and Dwayne Wade were on the team at the beginning of the season.  For many reasons they just were NOT the same team anymore, not even close.  Losing Irving was the beginning of the end because they could never find a true replacement for him.

Getting swept in the finals last month still stings (especially that game one loss that they should have won...ugh, don’t even get me started) but they were lucky to get there at all considering.  Two 4-3 series in the post season they scraped by and then facing a Warriors team that was ready to beat some ass, which we were not.  It was like year one all over again except instead of injuries we just didn’t have enough.  It was not the ending I wanted - to see one of my favorite sports players of all time go out that way, leaving the arena for the last time in wine and gold.

So there you have the last four years of Cavs Bball in a nutshell.  They had a real shot at having three championships instead of one but one is what we got and that will have to be enough.

Basketball is what has gotten me through these past several Winters.  Let’s face it, when it’s cold outside there isn’t a whole lot to do and I really hate being stuck indoors for months at a time.  I go stir crazy before New Years rolls around and anymore it’s late April or May before the weather is consistently decent enough to enjoy.  It’s only July but time flies by and it’ll be getting cold out again all too soon.  I can still watch the Cavs play but I think there’s little chance they will even win 30 games.  Even 20 might be pushing it.  They just don’t have anyone good enough to fill in those huge shoes.  It’s the same when LBJ left back in 2010.  They didn’t have a winning season until he returned four years later.  In fact they had some of the worst seasons of the entire franchise’s history and it was extremely difficult to watch a team that was so entertaining look so god-awful.  Maybe it won’t be as bad as I think, maybe I’m selling the rest of the players short but playoffs are not gonna be in the Q again for a long time and winning another basketball championship is an even longer way off.  If they could only do it once with one of the greatest of all time how will they without?

It’s not even about winning so much or even the playoffs.  James was fun to watch, every game.  He’s the best player the league has seen in a long time, maybe ever.  That’s debatable, of course, but at the very least he is awesome.  If you want to compare to another great, as people so often do, Michael Jordan, he spent his entire career (before retirement and coming back) with the Chicago Bulls.  There’s reasons for that though.  The sport has changed since then and I don’t feel the team as a whole did enough to keep him around. 

I’ve read plenty of articles, some favorable some not so much but in the end I think James had to do what was best for him.  I’m not surprised he left Cleveland again.  The first time was certainly different, it was a low blow to everyone I think but you couldn’t blame him for wanting to go somewhere where he could actually win.  As for leaving this time, eh, maybe he’d rather live in LA than in Cleveland.  Given a choice of cities I think that’s a no-brainer.

He and the owner never got along very well and this last season was proof that losing Irving to the Celtics was pretty much the nail in the coffin.  LBJ once said he wanted to finish his career in Cleveland but I’m still blaming a lot of this on DG. To quote a twitter I saw earlier:

“Special place in NBA lore for Dan Gilbert, who backed into the best player of his generation, won the draft lottery three times in four years, spent like crazy, and still ran such a comically inept organization that LeBron bailed and everyone understands.”

I’ve also heard talk that DG was “glad to be getting his team back” and about 100 other things over the years that make me pretty sure that Irving leaving last year was just a precursor to LBJ leaving this year.  Maybe that’s a bit unfair...the guy did open his pocketbook quite a bit but he made that all back and plenty more.  James was often synonymous with drama and I suppose blame can be put on many shoulders for the way things went. It’s awful that LBJ could never commit to Cleveland and sign any long-term contract but in the end, whatever the reasons, what’s done is done.

I know there are many other factors in his decision to head west but being with the Cavs for 11 years and only winning one championship has to be one of the biggest.  NE Ohio will always be his hometown...more than just being born here and what he has done for the community and meant to Cavs fans the whole state over. 

I feel like I’m losing a friend and I never even met the guy in person.  He’s been the face of the team for so long, come October when the next seasons starts it’s gonna feel so empty and I dunno if I want to watch a team without the person who made me a basketball fan all those years ago when it simply won’t be close to the same excitement level. 

Maybe I’ll watch some Lakers games.  I’ll admit I didn’t really pay attention to Miami when LBJ was there but I didn’t really have the same view on sports then as I do now.  I’m older, most of my friends are married and I don’t really have all that much to look forward to.  A lot has changed in the last four years.

Anyway, it’s a blow to what has already been a rough year but it is what it is and there’s nothing I can do about it.  I’ll just have to remember that victory on June 19, 2016. Those amazing last minutes of that game seven and looking at the people around me wondering “Is this really going to happen?”  Maybe the Indians can do better than last year also. (cuz the Browns sure as hell ain’t doing anything, though they do seem to be trying, and with the NFL’s new helmet rule I think college will be about it for football)  As piss poor as the rest of our division is in baseball they are almost guaranteed a playoff spot so we’ll see what happens in October.  Winning the World Series would certainly soften this stinger.

Thanks for the championship, all the other wins, the great plays and all the memories, man.  I wish things had gone differently but you kept your promise and did more than any Cleveland sports fan could have ever dreamed.  You will be missed.

[lolakasa]

Hi :3 I followed you for a while but never told you how much I LOVE your art~ It was time! I am in love with your style, both as a fan and as a young artist and wanted to ask: how did it change over time? What influenced it? Did you actively worked for it or was it more "spontaneous" (dunno if I explained myself well). Everyone tells me my style is kinda Disney-ish, but I'm not sure if I'm happy with it and want to keep it that way, and something near your style would be true #goals to achieve

Thank you very much!!! I luckily have many of my drawings from when I was very young so you can judge by yourself! I think my style has changed a whole lot but there are still things that have remained over time c: I tend to take elements from the things, sometimes on purpose and sometimes it just happens :p that’s kinda normal imo and you can see similar stuff from ppl that enjoy things like JoJo, hq!!, SU, or broarder things like horror manga, sport manga, american comics, Disney

I drew even before this and won a PSX on a drawing contest in 2001 yo but I have nothing from then bc I only drew for school. Anyway, these are from back in 2004 and I drew SO MUCH then! I was for once having fun in school so I was always super hyped drawing that I grew huge biceps (not a joke). Shaman King and Hunter x were my shit. Occasionally drew Dragon Ball stuff

I’ve always almost exclusively drawn fanart but tried not to copy images unless it was difficult things like Alphonse’s armor (or if I was competing with my sister) These are from 2006 and I was obssessed with drawing bodies~ coloring them was a pain in the butt tho (I added the girl’s sword like 6 years later xdd) The year of Inuyasha, FMA, and Soul Calibur

Here is a void bc I stopped drawing the following year for five years bc life sucked and I craved death.

I was still super down when I started to draw again in 2012 but seeing how bad my drawings were made me super angry xd so I tried v hard again and got v happy when I started to remember the things I used to know (I don’t have drawings from that first year bc I mostly drew with pens in my school notebooks) but after 1 year of like 3 hours of daily practice~~~2013, the third coming of the drawing hype: I drew even more than before and it was weird bc I didn’t have much time. Soul Calibur owned my ass for the third time in my life. Here is when I got good enough to consider this a style :P I liked long,pointy noses and round lips

I decided to try to draw more realistically in 2014 because of AC: Black Flag and my love for Mary Read. Started to find strong jaws attractive

Then I got my tablet in December and idk what happened but I felt like I even forgot my name after a month of playing around in SAI xddd My first drawing was decent but from then on… yikes I don’t have drawings from then cuz I’ve lost my files like 5 times since, but I changed my url to lolakasa around april 2015 so you can look them yourself if you google lolakasa! I just checked and my eyes bled a few times xd but this one was actually the first thing I drew that I felt proud of

then my first attempts at getting that Isayama feel LOL 

That stayed with me and got mixed with the things I find attractive in ppl~ I don’t draw as much now as I did before and I wish I did bc I keep learning things and forgetting them for lack of practice xD The bodies I drew years ago for example were better than the ones I draw now bc I dedicate a few hours a week to draw (also I’m well into my twenties lol learning takes a bit more time)Hope this helps and that it isn’t discouraging (?)

Work hard for what you want!!

[padawan-jiejie]

Comic Accident #1 / 2

Summary: You’re at your first comic-con and you’re meeting your favorite actor since the second Narnia came out, Ben Barnes. BUT there are some troubles when you fell down the stairs and end up in the hospital. And Ben feels a little bit responsible so he comes to see you all the time.

Pairing: Ben Barnes x reader

Word count: 895

Warnings: !My English!, fall  - accident, fluffy fluff :3 

A/N: So this was basically my best friend’s idea, so thank you @ladyreedus I’d never make that up myself :* :* <3 And there’s going to be part 2 about Christmas, but I’m not sure if it’s gonna be till 25th, so... Be prepared >:) :D xD And you have no idea how hard and difficult is writing in English!!! And I am writing it especially, ‘cuz I wanted to write something when the Christmas is coming! Please tell what do you think and I hoped you’ll like it :* And sorry if there are any mistakes :-/  :-/ 

[1] - I was about to write there my own name xD

[2] - If you don’t like roses just pretend it was some other flowers!

(gif’s not mine + if I’d find him in front of my door like this I don’t think he’d EVER be more then 20cm far from me!!! 20cm is somewhere about 7,9 inches... Idk, guys, I was never using inches...)

You were so excited. Finally, you were there. Comic-con 2017. Your dreams came true. You’re going to meet the cast of Westworld at a panel. But most importantly you’re going to meet Ben Barnes! Your actor crush since forever! 

You were supposed to go with your best friend, but she couldn’t come, so you were going through all of that stuff alone. Yet you were enjoying it so much! Laughing and clapping hands with people on the panel. Breathing in the atmosphere. Watching Ben sitting there and smiling at the fans. Your heart beating fast.

By the end of the panel, you went to find the toilets. When you were heading back to the main hall you saw some people standing at the corner. You came closer to see there was Ben talking to some fans and taking pictures with them.

,,Yeah!” he giggled and the fans said goodbye.

Benny turned round to the sound of footsteps to see you coming closer.

,,Hi!” you greeted him like that because you had no idea what to say when your knees were already shaking and heart beating faster with every step towards him. Your first time talking to him!

,,Hey!” he said smiling.

,,I am a big fan! Since the Narnia Prince Caspian, you know! You had beautiful hair!”

,,Thank you! Although it wasn’t really all my hair back then.” he explained a thing you already knew, but you felt yourself giggling.

,,May I know your name, big fan?” he asked and you blushed bitting your lip.

[1] ,,Y/N.” 

,,Y/N? Wonderful name.” he said and you felt butterflies in your belly. Oh my God! He said I’ve got a wonderful name! Brain, remind me to thank my mom for giving me a wonderful name when I’m at home! you thought.

,,Thanks. Well... My mom should say that! She gave it to me! And... Just by the way your name is quite awesome too!” you mumbled.

,,Yeah, I’ll thank mine mom when I’ll see her for giving me a quite awesome name!” You both laughed at the comment.

He pulled out his phone to find out what time is it. His eyes suddenly widen.

,,I think I have to go.” Ben started,,I’m sorry. I’d really like to spend more time with you, Y/N, but my free time’s up!”

You were frozen. You didn’t know if you should tell him that you’ll go with him or if you should cry or say it’s okay. So you just stood there speechless.

,,Bye, it was nice to meet you!” he said and headed to the stairs. While he was running down the stairs you dared to make a step forward.

The best moment of your life was ending? What? No! No way! You wanted to talk to Ben about so many things! Such as when you first saw Narnia and you were completely taken by his character, Prince Caspian. Such as when your friend gave you a poster of him as a Christmas gift. Such as everyone at home knew who Ben Barnes was because there are times you can’t shut your mouth about him!

You decided that you at least get a hug from him! You ran after him.

,,Wait! I-” it was that very moment when you realized that it’s going to hurt. Much! You leg betrayed you and you fell on the stairs. But the gravity wasn’t on your side either. It happened so fast! The world was spinning. You landed on your back and then your head hit the wall. The last thing you remembered was Ben calling your name.

You felt soft bed underneath you and you smelt something. Pills, the doctor, but there something else behind that. Flowers? Where were you? Slowly you opened your eyes.

So you were in the hospital room. Okay. Weird. Why am I in the hospital? you thought to yourself. Then you started to remember the fall. The meeting Ben Barnes.

You tried to move, but you felt your chest hurt. You didn’t expect that! You probably broke some of your ribs.

,,Ouch!” you cried out and turned your head. You saw roses on the nightstand. Your favorite flowers. [2] But who brought them here for you?

Suddenly s nurse with red hair came into the room.

,,Oh, finally, you’re awake!” she said to your confusion.

,,How long have I been unconsciousness?” you asked with fuzzy voice.

,, Almost two weeks. Plus you’ve broken three ribs and you’ve had a concussion. But don’t worry! You’ll be alright! Just another 2 weeks and you’ll possibly go home.” she explained and you didn’t know how to react. You knew it was a really bad fall, but that much? That was a new!

Your eyes landed back on the roses.

,,Oh may I have a question? Who put there those flowers?” you asked and bit your lip.

,,Some really nice guy! Tall, brown eyes, beard. He sounded like a British thou!”

Your eyes widen! It can’t be! Too good to be true! But how?!

,,You’re serious?”

,,Of course, I am! Why wouldn’t I? If he’s not your boyfriend he’ll soon be mine! Trust me!” she declared.

You blushed. At the same time, you felt jealous. You didn’t like the idea of your crush dating some nurse that’s being rude. She wasn’t exactly rude, but you felt like she was.

,,When was he here?” 

,,Last time two days ago. He was here in every two days, so if you want to talk to him I suppose he’ll come today too.” then she left you alone in the room.

,,What is happening?” you whispered to yourself as you were thinking about what you’ve just found out.

In the afternoon at your room, a lot of doctors came to check on you. But the only thing you could think of was that Ben Barnes came in every two days to you. You couldn't believe that!

You were thrown out of your thoughts when you heard knock on the door.

,,Come in!” you called out tiredly.

You expected another doctor when you saw Benjamin enters the room.

,,Oh...” your heart beat fast and you were so nervous!

,,Hello,” he greeted you and you nodded.

,,Hi.”

He was now standing next to your bed and looking at you softly. ,,So you’ve finally woken up. I am so happy! I mean... I kinda... I feel like it’s my fault that you’ve ended up here. Because... If I’d say that I can stay a bit longer then... You probably wouldn’t be lying in the hospital... I am so so soo sorry!”

He seemed to be really sad and the was sad to you.

,,Don’t be! I mean - yes, I probably wouldn’t be here if you’d stay a bit longer, but who knows?! So don’t worry yourself! I’ll be okay! And in few months I won’t even know that it happened. So it is basically your fault, but I am not angry at you and I forgive you.” you said with a kind smile and he looked pretty surprised.

,,I didn’t think this would be your reaction.”

You shrugged your shoulders. ,,I am full of surprises! And... Thank you for the roses. It’s kind.”

He licked his lips and you blushed when you found yourself staring at him.

,,You’re welcome, Y/N”

You felt your heart skip a beat at the fact that he remembers your name. You looked at your lap and bit your lip. Oh my God! What is happening to my life?!

,,Ehm...” Benny cleared his throat, ,,Can we start this all over again? I mean... Our meeting?”

Now you were the one surprised. Should you do it? Should you tell him to leave? Which decision would make you happy? The second one? Or the first one? Or should you do something else? For example, slap him? Or kiss him?

But you just nodded. ,,Yes, we can.” was your answer.

,,Ben Barnes, nice to meet you.” he exclaimed and you shook your hands.

,,Y/N Y/L/N.”

Little did you know that this was start of something huge!

[chelfiecomics]

A Word or Two on Motivation

I don't normally post personal things on this account, but I’ve been wanting for a while now to take some time here for some real talk and be open about some of the creative struggles I've been facing.  And I hope through sharing my experience that this can help others as well.

So here's a story.

Or rather the story of a story.

Some of my followers are probably aware of my work Echoes of Arcadia. Maybe you've read it, maybe not. I know I don't promote it as much so the audience is very very limited. Quick history about it: It began as a school project back in... 2009(?) for my undergrad thesis to retell a greek myth, but I grew to love the story and the world, continued it into a second chapter, and had the intention to turning it into a full-length graphic novel to cover the entire span of the myth’s plotline.  However, once out of school, it became harder and harder for me to continue this one particular series.  The reason being is I don't have an actual personal workspace, I don't get paid for it, and I don't have many readers for something like this of a really niche genre. I don't have the accountability of school to get it done, and I live in an environment that getting seen engaging in comic work (particularly traditional methods) consistently invites comments that does not treat what I do as “work.”  The amount of work that goes into doing this traditionally honestly doesn't pay off.   I kept having false starts, and then dropping it for months at a time.  As much as I kept telling myself that loving and seeing worth in my own work should be enough... to be honest, it's not.  

There's deeper emotional struggles that coincide too, some that I'm only recently coming to understand about just how much my environment is not good at all for my creative work.  But it all amounts to, “Is this even worth continuing?”  As much as I love comics, the very nature of the medium is meant to be shared. If it cannot be shared with others, what's the point? If I love the work but no one else cares, what's the point? If I'm going to keep being questioned about my life choices every time I am seen drawing comics by hand, if my work as a comic creator is only treated as a hobby and not taken seriously, if it's only being promoted as something to pursue but not to gain, what's the point?  I'm only realizing now how much I've internalized doubt in my abilities that come from my environment that's not conducive for supporting me in creating works. (Honestly that's part of the reason why my next big work Lovesick Strays is completely digital. Because I don't get those questions and comments when I'm just working on the computer for some reason.)  

As someone who literally grew up drawing comics since I was a child, telling stories is something very very personal and important to me. And one of the most personally heartbreaking things for me is the death of a story. And that generally happens when there is no longer any motivation to continue, and then, like an old friend you once loved, you look back upon it with sadness at all the work you've achieved with it knowing it will never be finished.  And this has happened to me twice already with stories that are so near and dear to me.  I still am sad thinking about them, and I keep a silent hope that one day I will be able to revive them one way or another. 

Echoes of Arcadia was at that point where I was seriously questioning whether it was worth continuing.   Maybe some of you may remember a post in the past where I've even mentioned how to find a way to continue it; whether it was by completing it only halfway, or continuing it as a written work.  Even so, once again, I only got a false start and I saw the dying motivation happening fast.  I knew I was going to lose yet another work from this.  

And then Flamecon 2016 happened.  It was the first flamecon I've attended and I shared the table with a friend and one other person. I didn't make much sales there at all really but what won me over was the open atmosphere and a welcoming safe environment for the LGBT+ community. Honestly I felt it was worth it just for that.  Anyway, I was returning from a trip to the restroom and thought I'd take the opportunity to walk around and view the other artists.  

All of a sudden, a stranger stops me as I'm perusing and asks if I was the creator of EoA. And I'm like “Yes? I am??” Mind you, this is a very strange encounter for me. Generally, I don't recognize other people so easily and question myself if I do, so I honestly don't know how the hell others recognize me so quickly (but that’s just me haha).  But especially asking me if I was the artist of something, which I personally think that might be difficult making a connection if the artist wasn't actually at the table??? (Well maybe it isn’t, but just saying that's how my thinking works and the mindframe I was in.) So honestly I don't know how I'd be recognized out of a crowd outside my table and I was really caught off guard. But once I confirmed that I was indeed the creator of EoA, this attendee goes off explaining how he'd just purchased my comic from me the day before, read it that evening on a train, and was completely in love with my work, detailing how he loved the world and wished he lived there. And I can never forget the words he said that he'd “Never been happier to have judged a book by its cover.”

(Haaah.  Lemme take a moment, cuz I was about to cry right then and there and always on the verge when I revisit this.)

SO ANYWAY, he asks if it will be continued.

What was I to even say given the struggle I just mentiond above? I admitted I was sorta struggling with this work in particular, but in actuality, this work was just about on its death bed and I was ready to pull the plug. Honestly the irony between the history of this work and having this... very strange surreal experience happen is very hard to describe.  But I tell him, “Well, there is a side story I really wanted to explore between the two main characters in the beginning.” And he was delighted to hear that and said I should do it and he'd look forward to the work.

So, fast forward to 2017. I've signed up for Flamecon again (which happened in August) and now this is the one I really wanted to get some original work in.  I've planned since last Flamecon, that I WILL DO that side story I said I would do. But I had to wait until my grad school work was complete and then I planned to dedicate my summer to my artwork.  At this time too, I've already tried some different things in my work method through Lovesick Strays and some other short works that helped me figure out a plan to approach this short story.  So in effect, this short story is actually an experiment. I decided that if I were to continue EoA, I needed to change my work method to drastically cut down on the time while preserving the quality. And should this be successful, I may just find a way to continue the work.  But all the while, what kept me going was holding on to this one memory as much as I could.  If I knew just ONE person (who doesn't come from a biased position of being family or friends) earnestly saw worth in my work, and was eagerly waiting for more, that's all I needed. And that one man gave me just that. ONE person, is all it takes from me drawing a page or two and dropping it for months and ready to give up, to finishing 17 pages of a short story in a month and a half.  Because someone decided to take a chance on my work, and picked me out of a crowd while I was away from the table to tell me to my face what I needed to hear in a way that I couldn’t possibly deny to myself as a form of delusion. 

I don't make any promises, but I dare say this experiment was successful. And now there is a flame, even if it's a small one, rekindled to try once again to continue.

What I also am glad to share is this experience from this past flamecon gets a happy heartfelt sequel.  My only regret from last year's Flamecon is that I'm really terrible at remembering names. He gave it in passing but I couldn't recall, and I really wanted to dedicate the short story work to him for what was honestly a huge life-saving favor for me.  Really, this work wouldn't have been possible without him (after what I've explained above).  So, he became “that one guy” in the credits (xD), but although I didn't expect to see him again, I was secretly hoping he'd show up so I could thank him in person and give him the new book.  

And by some miracle, he did. And NOT ONLY did he show up, but was apparently looking for me as well.

(aaaah, sorry this is another moment I need to compose myself)

In the end I did get to thank him in person, and I do finally have his name to give a proper shoutout and credits for the next reprinting of the work.  So yeah, HUGE SHOUT OUT to Ryan! And if you're reading this, I know I've already thanked you over and over, but this is why and what the words you’ve said really mean to me and I honestly can't thank you enough! 

I hope to continue Echoes of Arcadia shortly, and just focus on one step at a time.  And each milestone will be a well-savored personal victory! And if you read all this up til now I thank you for staying and listening for what I have to say! But if not here’s the:  TL;DR

So why did I choose to share this? I’m not trying to gain sympathy. And I also am aware that I have a lot of internal struggles to overcome.  I just really want to convey what I've experienced about just how much weight and importance motivation plays in the creative process. I know I do not lack the skills, nor the drive and work ethic once I set my mind to something.  But it's the motivation that drives it.

SO TO CREATORS (of any creative endeavor): I UNDERSTAND YOUR STRUGGLE. AND IF YOU'VE TRIED YOUR BEST AND STILL CAN'T SEEM TO CREATE YOUR WORKS, CHECK YOUR ENVIRONMENT, WHERE YOU ARE WORKING, AND THE PEOPLE YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH. FIND YOUR TRIBE OF THE PEOPLE WHO WILL EMOTIONALLY SUPPORT YOU IN THE WORK YOU CREATE.

TO FANS: PLEASE GO TELL YOUR FAVORITE CREATORS BIG OR SMALL HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEIR WORK.  SUPPORT YOUR FAVORITE CREATORS. YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU WILL BE THAT ONE PERSON WHO MAKES A DIFFERENCE TO THEM AS WELL.  

So on that note, if you would like to read Echoes of Arcadia, it's all up online here-> http://echoesofarcadia.smackjeeves.com/

I will also be sharing the prequel short story Echoes of Arcadia: Dawn Beyond the Rift here soon about how Apollo and Haelan first met!  I hope you will all look forward to it. And thank you all for your support here following my blog. I hope you continue to enjoy the works I share with you~<3 Stay cool and Peace Out Everybody! 

[technotoastart]

Update: May 20th, 2017 - Summer Vacation

“Everything’s okaaaaaaaay, cuz I’m on vacaaaaatioooooooooon~”

Alright! How’s it going everybody? It’s been a while since I’ve really sat down and brought you guys up to speed on what’s been going on in my corner of the universe.

I’m currently on summer vacation from now until the end of August and I’m so glad to be able to sit back and relax and not do anything. B)

Except that I won’t be able to because I’ve got a bunch of things I’m doing:

I’ve gotten back into doing art streams over on Twitch.

Waiting to Cross is still moving along and I’m still in love with making it.

And my art store, The Toaster, is getting ready to be reopened now that I have more free time!

In addition to that, I’ve recently landed a new job and I’ll be starting next month!!! I’m very nervous but excited. It’ll be nice to have a consistent source of income again. Like a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

However, now that I actually have a job again, this might mean that things are still going to be quiet over here. I don’t know how my schedule will work exactly or how much free time I’ll actually have. I’m hoping it won’t stress me out too much or eat up too much of my time to the point where I can’t do anything once I get home. That’s how I ended up feeling during the last fall semester and it destroyed me.

I do miss doing fanart for random shows I’m watching and posting silly comics up here, but I’ve been so busy with school and my comic and just real life in general that I haven’t really been able to sit down and watch any series. I’ve actually been really into watching streamers on Twitch and playing them in the background while I work on either something for school or on Waiting to Cross. It’s actually kind of crazy how Twitch and Youtube has literally taken over all that time I used to spend watching anime or tv.

Speaking of Youtube, I don’t know if any of you guys care but I’ve stopped doing Youtube videos. Sure it’s fun to show you guys videos of me drawing, but it feels like there is no room for growth over on Youtube. Last year when I actually made a genuine attempt to work on my youtube channel and grow my audience, it felt like I was working for no reason and at the end of the summer, I gave up on it. I felt like I was wasting my time working towards a dead end when a fresh idea I really loved, which at the time was Waiting to Cross, was suffering and not getting nearly as far as it could have been. I don’t think I’ll ever really get back into doing youtube ever again. It’s too much effort for literally no joy and no payoff at the end. 

Besides, it feels a lot more effortless (and more productive) to just stream my work over on Twitch. (My only problem with Twitch streams is that real life always gets in the way and I can’t really help it if I can’t stream that day.) However, I genuinely  have a much more fun time being on Twitch than I ever did on Youtube. I try my best to announce my art streams over here on tumblr, but most of the time I go to twitter and instagram to announce them and post update pictures. But the very best way to know when I go live is to follow me over on Twitch.

Sometimes I try to stream myself working on comic pages for Waiting to Cross, but that can be kind of difficult since I don’t want to spoil anything that’s part of the main story. But trust me, I have been trying my hardest to work on W2C even back while I was still in school. During the semester I end up working on writing future chapters so at least I’ll know where I’m going when I get back into drawing out the chapters. Waiting to Cross is still my pride and joy and even when it gets really hard to work on it due to real life issues, I still have fun coming back to it and trying to continue telling this wacky story to you guys. Lately I’ve been even more pleased with the fact that every week I see some more and more people come in and check out the updates or check out the comic in general. I’ve gotten some comments about it during my streams, and I get one or two comments on the actual site itself and so far they’ve been positive and people find it funny. It makes me very happy to hear. I don’t think I’ve ever put out anything on the internet that made me this happy to make and this happy to hear any sort of feedback on. I hope that when I work on future projects that I’ll be able to get this feeling again. It’s a great feeling to be able to work on something you love to do.

A quick note about The Toaster: now the url is “thetoaster.tictail.com“ it makes way more sense to refer to it that way as opposed to calling it “technotoastart.tictail” AND I promise I will reopen it soon, it’s coming up with things that people want to buy that’s the hard part. Since I don’t really hear much feedback from any of my audience in any place on the internet, I don’t really know what it is that people like about me or what things they would actually buy from me. So right now I’m just hitting a creative wall with product and design ideas. It’s like part of me says “that you just have to DO IT and see what happens” but another part of me doesn’t want to just throw money at ideas that I know won’t even work. It’s kind of a stressful time when it comes to my art store and I hope I’ll figure out something soon. I’ll post about it again once I reopen it and hopefully have some cool product ideas worth buying.

ALSO QUICK SIDE NOTE: YES, COMMISSIONS ARE DEFINITELY OPEN NOW. We’re not in some iffy undecided place about whether or not I’ll do commissions now. I’m on summer vacation and I definitely do have time to take on more projects and draw things for people. At some point I will make a separate post and bring it up again to promote it.

Anyway, I think that’s enough rambling for now. 

Sorry I’ve been so scarce here by the way, with regards to the art I mean. Over on twitter I’m a lot more social and chatty, and art gets posted there a lot quicker, in case you’re curious.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #45

“i want blood, guts, and chocolate cake.”

how many keys are on your key chain? what do they go to? two; one goes to each lock in my house. have you ever taken a pregnancy test? nah. what is something that always makes you feel pretty? eye liner. does the thought of moving out from home scare you? yeah... i'm totally ill-prepared for life on my own. have you taken anyone’s virginity? no. on average, how many pizza slices do you eat in one sitting? four, 'cuz i'm a fatass. have you ever gotten a matching piercing or tattoo with someone? yes, "ohana" tat with my best friend. ever made out in a pool? not sure actually. own bright colored underwear? no. do you have a leather jacket? no, but i've wanted one for years. :( do you have weak upper body strength? yes. what movie did you last watch with someone? the new "tarzan" do you think people are intimidated by you? hell no. do you often take painkillers? no. do you wish you were in a relationship? fuckin' tired of being alone. do you ever feel guilty eating meat?  not really. what are you listening to at the moment? "think twice" by eve 6 have you fallen asleep in school? nope have you ever been hospitalized?  yeah do you eat when you’re upset? YEP what sort of music were you brought up on?  classic metal and rock is it hard to make you laugh? very. nothing's funny when you're a depressed fuck. is there a member of the opposite gender on your mind? fucking always what would you do if your ex called you? answer in a damn heartbeat while fangirling on the inside and probably having an anxiety attack is there anyone you hate? merely "hate" is too weak what is your background on your phone? lock screen is the bogeyman from "silent hill: downpour," but the artwork is from anne's comic. my home screen is pyramid head from white hunter have you ever taken a nap with a member of the opposite sex? i miss our naps... is there anything that you and your friends simply can’t agree on? sure. think about your ex, your crush, or the person you’re currently dating. were you attracted to that person as soon as you met them, or did the attraction develop over time? i thought he was a bit weird-looking but handsome at the same time??? it's weird. as far as personality goes, wow. i liked him so quickly. which do you use the most, smiley faces, kisses or hearts? smilies what’s the last thing you said to the last person you kissed? via writing, "because i promised." via actual words, i don't recall. would you feel okay about going to your parents for advice about sex and contraception? mom, totally. dad, no. has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you didn’t say it back? yup. no regrets though, 'cuz if i don't love you, i don't love you. what did you do on your latest birthday? went to texas steakhouse with family and friends favorite dog breed? beagles, shiba inus, chow-chows... what is your favorite not-so-famous band/artist? otep have you ever had any teeth pulled? no have you ever seen two movies at the theater in a row?  no do you own a nightgown?  no have you ever actually been stuffed into a locker?  no. thought that was going to be a much bigger problem as a kid. how many teenagers do you know who have babies?  too many to count. do you get your surveys from your subscriptions page or do you actually go to specific sites and search for them?  i get most of them from fellow survey-takers on tumblr. do you want to get pregnant right now?  omg how funny, i actually had a dream i was in labor with a baby girl last night. jason was the dad somehow. but anyway, no, i do not. have you ever housed a friend for a long period of time because they had no place to live?  nope. if you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them?  hurt her and i swear to christ you die. if you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? i mean, i guess she somewhat is? like she worries about me, so does that count? have you ever wanted to be in a band?  ha ha yup. the song you’re listening to right now?  "teen idle" by marina and the diamonds have you ever had a concussion?  ugh, yeah. have you seen the movie the dark knight?  yeah. joker made me love it. can't even watch it anymore tho... ptsd trigger. guys with six packs, yes or no?  sure? cool if you have one, cool if you don't. do you know anyone who has a pet gecko? yep. would you ever go bear hunting? no, nor would i go hunting in general. describe one of your most emotional farewells. he just... fucking left. we were talking on facebook; he was hanging out with dillon, talking about our relationship, then he said he wanted to end it because he couldn't handle me anymore. i can't remember what i said, but i guess it was cryptic or dangerous enough for him to wind up at my door, because i'd charged into the kitchen to slit my throat, but i ended up on the couch sobbing to my mom. i just screamed at him when he got here, shrieked through tears. he said we could still be friends. liar. then he left. still hasn't come back. how have your tastebuds changed since you were a child? uhhh. i liked peas as a kid. can't stand them now. did you find it difficult to learn how to drive? if you do not know how to drive, would you ever like to learn? yes, it's hard, imo. mostly due to my anxiety, though, i over-exaggerate every driving situation that presents itself to me. do you own plants? if so, what kind of plants? if not, would you like to grow any? not anymore, and no, because i'm too fucking depressed to take care of them. when was the last time you felt at peace? i'm pretty sure the answer's never. what’s one thing that's heavily weighing on your mind? just one? psh. are you self conscious? holy fuck yeah. but then again, no? and by that i mean, like, i barely put any effort into my appearance. for example, i only get dressed in actual clothes if i have to go somewhere and i like NEVER wear makeup. yet simultaneously, i care very much what people think about me, particularly when it comes down to my weight. do you think of others before yourself? it depends on the situation, really. i have to start thinking of myself sometimes. what are your plans for your next birthday? eat out for dinner with friends and family, maybe get tipsy enough to not care about life, get a tattoo. are you friends with your neighbors? nope. what’s your favorite planet? saturn! do you sing in the shower? no what's your favorite disney movie?  tlk what do you do when you can't sleep?  get back on the laptop, usually... do you know anyone who is blind? in one eye, yes. do you have a good singing voice? nope do you ever listen to music in languages besides english? german, yes. when you're sad do you prefer sad music or happy music? SAD. happy music will make me angry. do you have a favorite type of bird? owls did you have a webkinz when you were younger?  FUCK YEAH I DID would you rather go to japan or greece? wow that's hard. uhhhh... greece? why is the world still existing?   god doesn't want it to end yet? did america really put a man on the moon?   i think so. are there any television shows you’re looking forward to in the next few months?  no, i don't watch tv. when it’s time to dress up for a special occasion, are you more likely to wear a dress, a skirt, or dress pants?   dress, i guess. what band/celebrity/etc do you know the most information about? who would you like to learn more about?   i know a bit too much about ozzy osbourne lmao the last news you got that shocked you, what was it, and was it good news or bad news?   bad. if you have pets, who normally puts food and water in their dish?  depends on the pet have you ever taken a "break" of any sort in a relationship?   no, i don't believe in taking breaks. do you organize the pictures on your computer into different folders or are they all just under "my pictures"?   in my old laptop, they were organized.  new one, nah, 'cuz i don't have many pictures. do you think if someone is in a relationship, that it is acceptable to have sleepovers with other people of their preferred sex?   sure, so long they're not doing sexual things. do you feel uncomfortable sharing things like artwork or poetry you've written? Is it because you don't think it's good enough to show off or because it's too personal?  FUCKING YES BC IT'S PERSONAL have you ever played a drinking game? which ones?   i have not. do you like word or picture tattoos better?   pictures, generally. have you ever tasted goat’s milk?   no. have you cried in the past week?   yeah do you think you could handle having an autistic or mentally disabled child?   i sure would hope so. if you were given the chance to go scuba diving, would you?   hell yeah! have you ever seen a live seahorse?   yep. what color did you first ever dye your hair?  i got purple highlights sour skittles or regular?   sour when did you last visit a tattoo parlor? what were you in there for? do you often go into tattoo parlors?  some months ago when i had to photograph a person who works with their hands doing their work.  it was cool.  i don't go to tat parlors often, though.  i wish! in the past year, have you lost weight or gained weight? how much?   don't wanna go into how much i gained... is there a specific time you eat lunch every day, or is it always different?   i eat at exactly 12 PM

[racketnews]

Why are 2/3rds of US children ‘not proficient’ in math? Leading teacher demonstrates: texts LIE about ‘real-world math problems’, stupefy children to tune-out from counting what’s most important (like US .01% admitting they ‘lost’ $21 TRILLION of taxes)

*hyperlinks/videos live at source* hat tip: David Icke The US Department of Education reports that two-thirds of American school children are not proficient in mathematics (here, here). In 2016 I wrote an article series about public education that includes a section on math that documents: 1. Math texts lie about “real world math problems” with ridiculous and contrived word problems. 2. Math texts don’t even care to define mathematics or algebra. 3. Algebra 1 fail rates are up to 50% of students, and is connected to the above two points along with less than 1% of adults using algebraic formulas in work. The outcomes of such “education” include: 1. Americans concluding “math” is difficult and something to tune-out from; stupefying us from counting what’s most important in Life like US .01% “leaders” admitting they “lost” $21 trillion of our taxes (~$200,000 per average US household). Please pause to let that fact penetrate. 2. Training Americans as work animals to blindly obey a rogue state empire. 3. Americans blaming themselves as being “bad” at math, and too stupid to seriously engage in the numbers associated with competent citizenship. Math-hole Ph.D text author LIARS Those of us who apply mathematics to quantify reality, understand as comprehensively as possible what exists, and use math as a scorecard to upgrade real-world conditions abhor liars. Fraudulent data makes it impossible to understand the real world, misdirects our attention and work, and wastes valuable time. As you know, professionals quickly dismiss proven liars, and remove them from serious work. Again, look here for three examples of typical lying math word problems, that cannot be excused as anything but intentional lying with rejection to consult with anyone doing real-world work. Here are three more from the 1,200 page Algebra 1 text provided to my students. These are typical: From Module 14 Rational exponents and radicals, consider this claimed “real-world problem” on page 660: “The balls used in soccer, baseball, basketball, and golf are spheres. How much material is needed to make each of the balls in the table? The formula for the surface area of a sphere is 4????r2 and the formula for the volume of a sphere is V = 4/3????r3 . Use algebra to find the formula for the surface area of a sphere given its volume.” (table provided for the four balls’ volumes) Paraphrasing usual student observations: Oh my balls! Are these things empty of “material” and only have surface area?! This says the balls have nothing inside. Maybe the math-hole authors have the same problem of nothing inside their heads. Maybe so because they didn’t ask anyone who actually makes those balls. Golf balls are not spheres. It’s some other fucking shape with all those dimples. Not that this matters because I think the shit inside the ball is just as important as the outside cover for the ball to be any good for that sport. Yeah, we should just judge those balls by the cover and not look inside, just like we should ignore what’s inside our math book. People who use balls want to be good in those sports. Nobody good at those sports ever ever ever ever ever even thought of such a dumb-ass problem to waste their time. From Module 22 Using square roots to solve quadratic equations, consider this claimed “real-world problem” on page 894: “A contractor is building a fenced-in playground at a daycare. The playground will be rectangular with its width equal to half its length. The total area will be 5000 square feet. Determine how many feet of fencing the contractor will use.” Paraphrasing usual student observations: WTF (what the fence)? Just fence and no gates? Real contractors charge extra for gates ‘cuz they take more time. Are they going to throw the kids over the fence, dig a tunnel, or put slides over it for kids to get in and out? Where is the building where kids are inside??? The daycare isn’t connecting the fence to the building?! Nobody would do that. The kiddie cage the math-hole authors say is real isn’t at an existing daycare ‘cuz they’d already have a fence to keep the kids safe. Maybe a replacement fence would be real, but not this shit with a convenient 5,000 exact square feet that just happens to be a number that works evenly for a word problem about square roots. And anyway, if they know the area is 5,000, then they already know the width and length and don’t need to ask anyone. From Module 19 Graphing quadratic functions, consider this claimed “real-world problem” on page 1037 (with picture of a parabola): “Describe what the vertex, y-intercept, and endpoint(s) represent in the situation, and then determine the equation of the function. This graph models the depth in yards below the water’s surface (y-axis) of a dolphin before and after it rises to take a breath and descends again. The depth (d) is relative to time (t, in seconds as the x-axis), and t=0 when the dolphin reaches a depth of 0 yards at the surface.” Paraphrasing usual student observations: Wait. The math-holes say a dolphin swims up to zero to “take a breath.” The graph shows air as the positive numbers, and water in negative numbers. This means these dumb-x authors violate the definition of zero and don’t even notice :) No animal moves at perfectly constant speed in a perfect parabola. This is bullshit. So these authors find nothing in reality to show us other than these fake puzzles. Nice. The graph the math-holes give us show a speed of about 50 mph at 4 seconds before and after the fake “breath” where there’s no air. Is this a magic rainbow dolphin that’s the fastest in the universe? Will the magic dolphin be going 5,000 mph or so 10 seconds from the fake air? What’s an educated person to do? Call bullshit for what it is to expose liars, remove the liars, and rebuild with truth. Again, I wrote a series on the problem of bullshit public education. Next: see the bigger pattern of lies and empire, and remove those liars through lawful arrests: When Americans are told an election is defined by touching a computer screen without a countable receipt that can be verified, they are being told a criminal lie to allow election fraud. This is self-evident, but Princeton, Stanford, and the President of the American Statistical Association are among the leaders pointing to the obvious (and here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here). Again, no professional would/can argue an election is legitimate when there is nothing for anyone to count. The facts show Bernie Sanders won the Democratic Primary election, and claims by Democratic “leadership” of Russian election “meddling” are without factual documentation. US military now illegally occupy eight bases in Syria (and here), with escalating bombing of Syria and Iraq of over 4,000 bombs/month and over 84,000 since 2014. The US acknowledges ~500 civilian deaths from these bombs, with independent count of ~750 in just in June 2017. Among dozens of independent writers, I’ve documented that all “reasons” for wars on Iran, Syria, and Russia are easily proved lies (recently, here, here, here, and going back to 2005), with US Department of illegal Wars of Aggression (so-called “Defense”) claiming to have “lost” $65,000 for every US household. The US is a literal rogue state empire led by neocolonial looting liars. The history is uncontested and taught to anyone taking comprehensive courses. If anyone has any refutations of this professional academic factual claim for any of this easy-to-read and documented content, please provide it. Rogue state empire is the most accurate term to describe the US for the following reasons: People around the world view the US as the greatest threat to peace; voted three times more dangerous than any other country. The data confirm this conclusion: Since WW2, Earth has had 248 armed conflicts. The US started 201 of them. These US-started armed attacks have killed ~30 million and counting; 90% of these deaths are innocent children, the elderly and ordinary working civilian women and men. The US has war-murdered more than Hitler’s Nazis. The total deaths caused by rogue state empire for resource control (natural and human) in the last 20 years is ~400 million, more than all total wars and violence in all recorded Earth history. US ongoing lie-started and Orwellian-illegal Wars of Aggression require all US military and government to refuse all war orders because there are no lawful orders for obviously unlawful wars. Officers are required to arrest those who issue obviously unlawful orders. And again, those of us working for this area of justice are aware of zero attempts to refute this with, “War law states (a, b, c), so the wars are legal because (d, e, f).” All we receive is easy-to-reveal bullshit. The destruction of nearly all rights lawfully guaranteed in the US Bill of Rights within the US Constitution, and in Orwellian inversion of limited government. Corporate media are criminally complicit through constant lies of omission and commission to “cover” all these crimes. Historic tragic-comic empire is only possible through such straight-face lying, making our Emperor’s New Clothes analogy perfectly chosen. The top three benefits each of monetary reform and public banking total ~$1,000,000 for the average American household, and would be received nearly instantly. Please read that twice and imagine the connection between having a rogue state empire to enrich an oligarchy combined with internal financial manipulation to maximize those parasitical riches. Now look to verify for yourself. Iran has never threatened to “wipe Israel off the map” and only has IAEA-verified legal energy and medicine programs with nuclear materials. Trump and corporate media continues and escalates easily-verified lies to threaten more illegal war on Iran. Israel engages in lie-started and illegal War of Aggression on Gaza; ironically the largest concentration camp in world history. This is also easy to verify. Categories of crime include: Wars of Aggression (the worst crime a nation can commit). Likely treason for lying to US military, ordering unlawful attack and invasions of foreign lands, and causing thousands of US military deaths. Crimes Against Humanity for ongoing intentional policy of poverty that’s killed over 400 million human beings just since 1995 (~75% children; more deaths than from all wars in Earth’s recorded history). US military, law enforcement, and all with Oaths to support and defend the US Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic, face an endgame choice: Demand arrests, with those with lawful authority to enact it. An arrest is the lawful action to stop apparent crimes, with the most serious crimes documented here meaning the most serious need for arrests. Watch the US escalate its rogue state crimes that annually kill millions, harm billions, and loot trillions. In just 90 seconds, former US Marine Ken O’Keefe powerfully states how you may choose to voice “very obvious solutions”: arrest the criminal leaders (video starts at 20:51, then finishes this episode of Cross Talk): 3-minute video: Police, Military – Was your Oath sincere? I make all factual assertions as a National Board Certified Teacher of US Government, Economics, and History (also credentialed in Mathematics), with all economic factual claims receiving zero refutation since I began writing in 2008 among Advanced Placement Macroeconomics teachers on our discussion board, public audiences of these articles, and international conferences (and here). I invite readers to empower their civic voices with the strongest comprehensive facts most important to building a brighter future. I challenge professionals, academics, and citizens to add their voices for the benefit of all Earth’s inhabitants. ** Carl Herman worked with both US political parties over 18 years and two UN Summits with the citizen’s lobby, RESULTS, for US domestic and foreign policy to end poverty. He can be reached at Carl_Herman@post.harvard.edu Note: My work from 2012 to October, 2017 is on Washington’s Blog. Work back to 2009 is blocked by Examiner.com (and from other whistleblowers), so some links to those essays are blocked. If you’d like to search for those articles other sites may have republished, use words from the article title within the blocked link. Or, go to http://archive.org/web/, paste the expired link into the box, click “Browse history,” then click onto the screenshots of that page for each time it was screen-shot and uploaded to webarchive (blocked author pages: here, here). http://dlvr.it/QSlmDC

[ninatodita]

1. Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid. Being in the present 2. What was your favorite musical group when you were a kid? probably the black eyed peas or smth 3. When was the first time that you had alcohol? like 10  4. What is your worst dating experience? a guy showed me a picture of himself on a motorcycle as a way to “impress” me. i got like second hand embarrassment  5. What is the craziest thing you have ever done? if i ever told my mom that i smoked cigarettes in my room when i was younger she would hit me. so probably that 6. Name one thing that not many people know about you. i’m scared my ass is starting to sag 7. What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death? being quietly powerful 8. Do you have any phobias? heights  9. Name three countries you would like to visit. greece, peru, and india 10. If your house was on fire and you could grab only 3 things before leaving, what would they be? id, credit card, a sweater for later 11. Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets? ya 12. Do you believe in the paranormal? ya 13. What would be your dream job? having a desk in an office and i just do paperwork and input data in a computer. i get an hour for lunch and there’s parking right outside the building.                                               

14. If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? money, the desire to work out, and better natural eyebrows/ eyelashes

15. If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? i like my first name but i would drop my dad’s last name and take my great-grandmas 16. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? new orleans 17. If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left. eat, cry, listen to haydn 18. What crazy activities do you dream of trying someday? adopting a baby

19. If you could go on a road trip with any person (dead or alive), who would you choose and where would you go? i would choose prince and we would go where ever he would want to go 20. Any tattoos or pierced body parts? piercings on my face 21. What’s your favorite color? like that 70s mustard color and pastel purple 22. What is your favorite flower? plumeria 23. What is on your bedside table? lamp, glasses case, hand lotion, mouth guard, sleep mask, headphones, vicks, and 2 stuffed animals  24. What was your best Halloween costume for Halloween? dressed up as lydia from beetlejuice 25. If you could be any cartoon character, who would you be? gene belcher 26. Are you a morning or night person? neither 27. Name a singer whose voice you can’t stand. iggy azealia or however u spell that bitchs name

28. If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do? trapeze 29. What do you remember about your high school prom? my pretty dress and how there was no food  30. What’s your favorite holiday? halloween  31. Have you ever been mentioned in a newspaper? yes actually  32. Have you ever gone skinny dipping or streaking? no 33. What body part do you get caught staring at? asses and boobs ..the usual 34. Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic? boringly, the latter  35. What is your most treasured possession? my car 36. Adult Beverage of choice? cider 37. What is your favorite food? pasta the way i make it tho 38. Can you fake any accents? thick irish but only for like 30 secs  39. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their ugly ass faces 40. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? eat ass..im sorry im not brave enough 41. If you had to live under the sea what kind of an animal would you be? starfish 42. Most hated chore on the household chore list? buying groceries 43. In life who has had the most influence on you? my grandma 44. If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do?  45. If you could be one kind of beer which one would you be and why? i dont know beer  46. What extremely difficult life situation have you overcome and how did you do it? uhhh pass 47. What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? i didnt wear underwear one time and then wore a dress like a fucking moron. it was windy...etc 48. If you could choose, how would you want to die? laying in bed with clean sheets 49. If you could change the world what would you do? lmao 50. Name 1 thing you love about being an adult i take better care of myself now than when i was younger obv 51. Which would you rather have, $50,000 or true love? my instinct is to go for the money  52. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no not always 53. What song always makes you happy when you hear it? heart love -albert ayler 54. Who’s the funniest person you know? my old coworker  55. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? the voicemail at my dentist office 56. How big is your bed? its literally 2 military cots pushed together and held in place with 2 mattress toppers 57. What is the wallpaper on your cellphone? a painting of a dog gnawing at the cork of a wine bottle 58. What’s the first thing you thought about this morning? will i be forced to do errands with others 59. Are you afraid of the dark? sometimes 60. 3 things you cannot live without? this list is making me realize how boring i am. i cant think of anything besides the obvious: credit card, headphones, clean underwear etc 61. Favorite song? if i cant have you -etta james and harvey fuqua 62. Are you a giver or a taker? a lil bit a both  63. Virgin or not? no  64. Are you very sarcastic? sometimes 65. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? pfft no i slide those mf right off 66. Which you favorite icecream flavor? coffee  67. What was the last drink you drank? water 68. Do you prefer hugs or kisses? uhh by who? in general, none. 69. Have you ever gone cow-tipping? no im not a total loser 70. Do you like to sing in the shower? always 71. What’s your favorite midnight snack? captain crunch cereal 72. Whats your favorite movie? the first thing that came to mind was waynes world  73. Have you ever gambled at a casino? no and i never will 74. Have you thrown up in a car? no? 75. Do you scream on roller coasters? no 76. When did you go to your first funeral? 7 yrs old 77. Where did you go on your first airplane ride? 6 yrs old 78. Whats your favorite season? fall 79. Who was your imaginary friend? no one 80. Date someone older or younger? older 81. If you don’t know the words to a song do you improvise? usually 82. What turns you on about the opposite sex? chris hemsworth & winston duke 83. What turns you off about the opposite sex? arrogance and lack of self reflection 84. What scares you the most and why? dying and knowing im dead cuz its scary yo 85. What do you do in your free time? lay in bed and waste time 86. Name 3 things in nature you find most beautiful? birds chirping early in the morning, fog, and when sunlight peaks through thick canopies in the rainforest 87. Tell me about something you really regret? oh god so many little things  88. Tell me about your favorite book, magazine or comic? calvin and hobbes is nostalgic  89. Something or someone you miss the most from childhood? does myself count 90. Your best friend dies, what would you do? mourn  91. What is your zodiac sign? cancer 92. Name a couple of T.V. shows you watch a lot? the office, jane the virgin, the nanny, living single 93. Name a movie or movies you can watch over and over? beverly hills cop, zodiac, contagion, the princess and the frog 94. Would you ever go skinny dipping? if the water is warm 95. Have you been told you can sing well more than once? no lol  96. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? ballerinas were sitting on the banister and then one jumped on my back and tried to murder me 97. What were you doing the last time you really had a good laugh? teaching kids origami 98. What is your happiest childhood memory? the summer in mexico 99. If you could take a one month trip anywhere and money was not a consideration, where would you go? new york  100. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? consistency