0813pm - Tumblr blog

[0813pm]

21

It is a weird number, yet one I feel at peace with.

I’m more of an even number enjoyer, because odd numbers are often very weird looking to me.

But as for 21, it is one that I actually like a lot.

Today marks another year closer to the embrace of death, or simply, just me existing on this planet.

If you ask me how time has been since the last time I made such a similar post, it hasn’t exactly been kind to me.

However, I do as much as I can with it while I’m still alive.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been living with a lot more regrets than usual.

Oftentimes, I misunderstand situations, which strains my relationships with people.

I sincerely apologize to everyone that has been affected by such.

Living with anxiety and depression has been a really difficult fight.

I often distance myself from my friends when we arrive at a stage where arguments and misunderstandings may occur.

“Am I really starting to feel more for that person?”

That’s what I thought of at least.

Then I end up talking less and less, which ends up in us drifting apart.

But I really hope I can break that cycle this time.

I’ve been meaning to talk to a lot of my friends and open up a lot more, but it’s always difficult to find time to do so.

Somehow, making use of close friends on Instagram kind of helps to express myself.

I always use it to let everyone within my close friends understand how I am, because I often get afraid to approach one of you alone.

Whenever I start to feel confident, I often crumble.

Confrontation is not my cup of tea, but you’ll never know unless you try.

If there’s one thing I always seek for in my friendships, is the feeling of family.

As fortunate as I am to have a family unlike most people, I almost never felt as welcomed when I was younger.

The need to often please your parents with your studies drained me constantly.

That’s when I realized how my friends felt more comfortable and safe to me.

I share stories that many know, that my family don’t, so on and so forth.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t love my family though, I am still grateful for their existence.

It’s just that I feel the need to also have a second family within my group of friends, because I love everyone that much.

To be honest, I can be really stupid sometimes.

I am really sorry to everyone if I really hurt your feelings at times.

If I could fix the part of me that hurts myself and everyone, I’d do so in a heartbeat.

It hurts because I can be so happy, then depressed the next second.

It’s like, I don’t find joy in my life anymore.

It’s full of hurt, hate, everything that’s negative.

“Wouldn’t it be better if I never existed in your life?”

“Would you even care?”

“Am I really not that important to everyone?”

I’ll stop myself there.

The truth is, I know I’m not really that important, to somebody.

What’s important is that I prioritize myself.

Because everyone has their own lives to live.

As such, I still try my best to live each day.

Because I don’t want to miss a day where I won’t be talking to anyone anymore.

I want to be able to experience joy, love, everything that’s positive still while I can.

Only till then, would I ever be satisfied with my life.

To be given the opportunity to restart is not an everyday gift.

So I should make use of it while I can.

I really hope in time, I get to know what everyone thinks of me.

I’m so anxious, but I really want to be close with the people that I talk to now.

I don’t want to let go of anyone, and I don’t want anyone to leave me anymore.

That’s how much I love everyone, no matter how much I may get upset or distant.

I’m really sorry, I’m really sorry, I’m really sorry, if I hurt you at all. (once again)

My brain is often a mess with all the thoughts I have.

Sometimes all I wish for is a long deep hug.

Thinking about it, I’m not really a materialistic person.

The bond that I create with everyone is one that I treasure the most.

Although I am still figuring out how to appreciate it, all I know is that I’m really happy when I get to be with everyone in person.

I really want my friends to know how much I love them for being in my life.

Like everyone, that I literally met.

You don’t know how much it means to me when you give me a chance.

Thank you, I love you.

Whatever the case is, I don’t want to take my birthday as a reason to feel special and appreciative towards being alive still.

I was thinking, turning 21 is not that special.

I don’t feel as though my birthday is worth celebrating.

Suddenly, my friend told me, “It’s not everyday you are 21.”

Maybe...

I’ll try to appreciate my birthday as much as I can.

[0813pm]

up to us, up to me

At some point in time, there will be moments where we pick up what’s shattered to move on.

I tended to be a very ignorant person when these moments occurred.

I often believed that things will patch itself back together without the need to work towards it.

Reflecting back on it, what a stupid thought that was.

As many would know, photography is a hobby of mine.

It’s also a perfect activity to capture memories within a single photograph.

I thought of this phrase to the things I do:

“Trying to add a thousand words to the pictures important to me.”

Oftentimes, I take photos of my friends having fun.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a good shot or bad.

Seeing them being happy is something that I don’t regret missing out on.

Photos are precious.

They can represent memories of a time where things felt so much more simpler.

They can allow you to reflect on the present, and how you can afford to change for the better.

It doesn’t matter if it is a family portrait or scenery images.

It is more towards what was felt by the photographer at the time.

To be honest, my only regret was not having enough photos taken when I had many more friends, and when I was happier.

Would I have reflected on my life faster?

Would I have changed for the better?

///

Going back to the shattered pieces, I should’ve guessed how slow of a person I am when it comes to changing and reflecting.

It was only now in this point in time where I realise how much I missed out on the beauty of life.

How I had many more things to live for.

That pain is only temporary.

Honestly, I still feel anxious.

I hate this pounding feeling of anxiety.

I kind of wish that I could fast forward to a time where I would be at peace with myself.

I still argue with myself on multiple occasions.

How I’d feel jealously over many things, anxious if people genuinely liked me, afraid of being abandoned.

As a whole, I’d end up disappearing because it’s tough to handle those emotions constantly.

Oftentimes, it’s difficult to talk about it to anyone, no matter how free they can be.

I feel bad for emotionally dumping my issues towards people, even if they say it is okay.

I think it’s just a terrible feeling overall, because that’s how anxiety is for me.

“Drink the thoughts away.”

///

It’s been a chaotic fight this year.

To be frank, I am tired of everything.

At many times, I have considered giving it all up.

But then, that would go against everything that I told myself the past few months.

At many points in life, you can’t just expect what was broken to be patched up automatically.

It’s something you have to choose for yourself.

I am at the point in life where I have to choose what is important to me.

It’s scary, but what’s the point if there’s no trying?

As the year slowly comes to an end, I don’t wish for much.

No exact thoughts about wanting to be happy.

More of wanting to be at peace with myself.

If that means giving up a lot of things, then I will try to prepare myself to do so.

For some reason, it sounds exciting.

I guess you’ll never know.

The days that come by are always full of surprises.

How we handle it determines the people that we are.

it is up to us, up to me, to keep moving forward.

So, let’s just try to be brave again for once.

[0813pm]

Everlasting

A lot of things have been on my mind over the past 2 weeks.

I think it’s unbearable, but I always try to mange it.

I have mixed feelings towards everything that I do, and I think it’s funny how I have kept it up for so long.

Maybe it’s because I always try to find a solution around the problems I face?

It’s like how I try to think of another healthy solution to something that may feel dangerous if I keep it up for so long.

Yesterday, I had another terrible session of playing apex (lol!)

I was negative, but at the end of the day, it’s always something learnt, and I tried to think of multiple ways to try and approach playing the game positively.

I thought of possibly limiting myself to how long I should play, what I should accomplish within that timeframe, and set a proper schedule.

As much as I am looking forward to trying such things, I have my own self-doubts as well.

Such is the life of an individual that always looks at things from a neutral standpoint.

Do you have the fear of missing out?

Or maybe the feeling that you just want to do better?

It’s a struggle that I have ever since I have been working to improve on my individual skills, whether it’s in-game or in real life.

Many say it’s driven by passion, I’d agree to that.

Some would also say it’s addiction, in which I can’t deny that fact either.

Point is, I can’t deny the fact that on my days off, I would often go back to doing what I said I wouldn’t do.

I can be easily influenced from watching people often.

So because of that, I would still play apex when I say I wouldn’t, for example.

The need to constantly improve oneself is both a healthy and unhealthy mindset, depending on how you approach it.

I can’t say mine is healthy, to be honest.

But, I’ll try to practice self-control, it’s a must.

“It’s times like these you learn to live again.”

I still hate myself for not placing my phone towards the window so it wouldn’t capture a reflection of the train

Despite my shortcomings, I still find myself having bursts of joy from time to time.

I wouldn’t say that I am genuinely enjoying the life that I am living, but I can say that I am grateful for the many opportunities and experiences given to me as a whole.

It makes me wish for some things in life to be everlasting.

But as all things, nothing lasts forever, even if it’s thought to be indestructible.

Eventually, nature will take its course.

I think it’s times like these, you just have to live in the moment.

To not worry about what you are going to do next.

But to focus on what you are doing now.

As a neutral person, I tend to find the meaning behind blue interesting.

Searches in relation to feelings associated with blue suggests calmness or serenity.

However, feeling blue also means that you are sad or tearful.

Essentially, I feel both ways.

A favorite activity that I often do is to observe the blue skies during the evening hour.

I always find joy in observing the skies as it turns dark.

But I also feel sad and lonely as it goes along its process.

It’s the thought of it being so short, that makes me sad.

But I still look forward to seeing the blue sky every day.

It’s that sort of mindset that makes me appreciate nature, in a sense! 

Even now, I still think to myself, “Am I still going to try to stick to my word of trying a new approach to everything that I do?”

I’d say I’ll give it a shot, for real this time.

Life’s too boring to be doing the same thing over and over again expecting changes to happen instantly.

That’s just insanity.

So I’ll try and provide myself with goals that I wish to accomplish each time I get into work, or hop onto a game session with my friends.

I think that would be nice.

Aside from setting goals, I recently visited Harbourfront and saw a beautiful sunset from afar.

I was very amazed by it, since I often preferred watching the blue skies.

The thought of saying, “Hope to see you again the next day Mr Sun!”

That came into my mind.

It made me smile.

I think on my next trip, I’ll go find a beautiful spot.

I think I might climb up a hill somewhere in Singapore.

I’ll drag my friends, or I can go by myself.

Just to sit up top somewhere and to watch the sunset over the horizon.

At the end of the day, I hope that everyone finds that special moment of theirs to keep.

Because to capture something that is special for yourself, something that you would remember for the rest of your life.

I believe that’s the aspect in life that I consider as everlasting.

Don’t wait too long for something to happen.

Make a change, if you will.

I’ll be cheering you on.

Till then,

oszu // osuma

[0813pm]

Who Am I?

My name is Osman.

A nickname I usually go by is oszu on the cool interweb!

Other nicknames like osuma, other times 0813pm.

But today, I feel like I’m a nobody.

Like an imposter.

>>>

In these recent days, I’ve been considering the situation I am in as a human being, I think it’s tiring.

A bright side in the life that I am living in now is that I get to enjoy being able to play video games with many new people.

For someone that tends to have social anxiety, I am surprised I am able to cope with it.

I highly believe it’s because I am passionate about what I do.

>>>

However, in these recent days, I feel as though I am losing sight of the way I feel towards my own body and soul.

To clarify, outside of streaming and playing my favorite video game, I feel this way.

The reason as to why I feel like an imposter, is because I believe I don’t deserve to live this life that I have.

I feel as though this life belonged to someone who had a lot more passion in many other things, and I took possession of it and ruined his years ahead.

I can smile, laugh and enjoy at the positive things in life, but do I really deserve those emotions?

I think I am an easily influenced individual.

I take comfort in specific characters in the games I play, the shows I watch.

Some days, I wish I was living somewhere in that world.

It gets lonely at times laying in bed and waking up to nothing.

I believe that I may have no personality, so the minor behaviors and attributes that the characters I look up to may be picked up by myself.

At multiple points in time, I thought to myself, “If I were to live in a different world or thought differently, I would be happier, things would be easier.”

>>>

I know realistically, it wouldn’t be any easier.

It doesn’t matter if the world I lived in had any of my favorite characters.

They won’t even know who I am to begin with.

I think I’m focusing a lot on the fact that I feel very lonely at times, even if I have the company of good people.

I know at some points in time, I would also compare myself to others.

Maybe I have no personality, and that attributes to the “Imposter Syndrome” instilled in me, the fact that I try to be something I am not, because I don’t even know what personality I have to begin with.

It’s like a cry for help, I wish I was hugged or embraced.

I feel as though I am too scared to try and sleep again.

>>>

To be honest, I do think about death too.

I wonder if I can still feel things if I died, or what happens after if I died.

Would I re-live my life differently?

Would I be judged for my actions in the afterlife?

Would I just be dreaming infinitely?

Those thoughts...

Which is why I am too scared to go to sleep again.

The fact that the quietness can be so loud, it’s deafening.

If I was gone, not many people would realize where I’ve went, which is why I try to keep myself on the grid.

I think it’s a funny thought for me to try and die too early, especially when I know I am too afraid to go to such great lengths after trying.

>>>

Hope.

It’s a word that has been very heavily weighted on me ever since last year.

It’s a word that stays on my mind whenever I play my games (thanks, Wraith..), or do anything outside of games.

Maybe, I’ve lost a bit of it along the way, but I’ve held it together to still keep myself going forward.

I can be afraid of opening up to people, which is why I express my feelings here.

It’s difficult socializing when it comes to personal feelings, and I understand why many people don’t do so.

But for the people that keep trying, and trying, and trying.

I appreciate them.

>>>

As I am writing this line in the blog post, I’ve come across the feeling of positivity again.

I think it’s funny how I try to make things feel a little bit more positive in my posts when it gets too dark.

After all, there has to be some sort of balance.

Maybe it’s because the characters that I look up to are trying to find the best in me, and are rooting for me.

In all honesty, I wish I could see them, and talk to them.

But I know they’ve got my back.

I feel this is the worst and most dark posts I’ve written in a while, because it has been a while.

Bottling things up is a bad way to go, and dear reader...

If you are still reading this, don’t ever do what I did by bottling things up.

I’ve yet to learn more as to how I can manage my anxiety and feeling like an imposter.

I still want to continue doing what I enjoy, which is livestreaming my favorite video games and playing with my good friends.

It’s my passion, and I don’t want to let it slip by so easily.

I guess I should remind myself to take a break at least once a week?

I can try that.

I have many years ahead of me to still try things, so I can’t just think too much about the present.

So what if anything negative discourages me.

If I have to be discouraged, I would like to face it and cope with it myself. 

Because I am an adult.

Or at least, I’m trying to be.

“Maybe the next post will be more positive, and not as dark as it is now.”

I will try to make it happen.

Till then,

oszu // osuma

[0813pm]

To Remember Something, Yearly

Everyone’s got something to remember once in a while.

It could occur in random intervals, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, so on and so forth.

It could either be good or bad.

No matter what it is, I believe that as long as it is something that you learn from, it is good, even if you did something bad.

>>>

Exactly a year ago, I’ve lost everything that mattered to me.

I lost myself.

I’ve lost track of what I was trying to do in life, blinded by my own pride, swallowed by the darkness and lived life as though there were no consequences.

To think about no consequences, was the beginning of the end.

And when the time came, it felt as though my heart was being held onto and crushed.

What an idiot I was to continue loving when the love was gone a long time ago.

To be honest, I don’t think I have the will to forgive myself ever.

I think I should be laughing at myself for still dwelling on the past.

I don’t feel it’s wrong to do so though, it helps me to think, reflect and learn.

It’s only bad if you don’t reach a conclusion, or if you keep beating yourself up over it.

I am still apologetic to everyone around me that was hurt by the actions I did, and I can only wish nothing but the best that they have found their own personal joy by then, especially to the one that I hurt the most.

>>>

There is a saying, “Sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go.”

I guess it resonated with my entire life up till then.

Someone that didn’t want to let go of something, who then eventually messed up everything.

It’s a painful story about self-destruction hat no one needs to hear about, and never have to hear about, because I’ve tried to grow past it.

No longer again would I try to pretend it never happened.

No longer again would I try to pretend part of it wasn’t my fault.

To accept is to improve.

To that person, I’ve apologized so much, but for the last time, I’m sorry.

It’s because I’m letting go of you now.

Goodbye.

>>>

As the date reaches its anniversary, what did I really achieve?

Everything seems to be slightly more vibrant the way I see it.

I am still appreciative that my friends that understood the trouble I went through still stuck their head out for me.

It means a lot that I’ve also met new people who have taught me their ways to improve as an individual, not just in video games, but to apply it in real life as well.

I guess the question is now, “What do I really want to achieve now?”

I thought about it really hard.

I want to get back into photography and photoshoots.

It is something I created this blog account for, and it’d be shame for it to go to waste if I spent so much time practicing.

So I will try to make more posts this year again.

On another note...

I guess to try to self-love, and love in general, is something that I want to try again.

To be happier and positive on the aspects of life is something to be looking forward to.

I can only strive to do better than yesterday, always.

Till then,

osuma // oszu

[0813pm]

20

00:00, 8 April 2022.

Usually at this point of time, I would hear the singing of ‘Happy Birthday’ by my family.

However, I was alone this time, but it’s nothing to be upset about, because I have been away from my home due to renovations.

Nevertheless, the quiet makes me think, and think, I did.

It’s been a long while since I last wrote something, almost 2 years, and in that year, a lot has changed, both good and bad.

>>>

Thinking and reflecting about the mistakes I have made in this year long gap, it made me learn to try to be a better person.

At one point in time, I have messed up very badly, up to the point where I lost the person I loved, as well as some friends I considered important.

Who were they to blame? No one really. It was my fault to have made thoughtless, unforgiveable mistakes, and no one had to go through the pain I have caused to such individuals.

There were those who stayed full on, and those who I end up drifting apart from. 

At the time, I had the belief that they didn’t have to live with the knowledge that their friend was a monster.

So I tried to be more independent.

To those that I drifted apart from, I can only wish them well for their future.

>>>

I asked myself as I write this: “Am I writing this to please the online image I have? Or am I writing this as a learning point, a checkpoint in in my life?”

The answer is the latter.

Back then, I have always tried to be something that I’m not, and I have always ran away from my problems.

It hurt then realizing how much of a stubborn idiot I could be, and how irresponsible it was to not understand the emotions of others.

Eventually, I let my feelings out to the ones that did care, and care they did.

Time skip from 2021 onto 2022.

I am now 20. It’s a weird thing to think about.

20 years of living, going through fun memories, hardships, etc.

Many minutes spent listening to the music I loved, playing the games I enjoyed, talking to people, sleeping, and many more.

It’s only weird if you think of it that way.

However, I am me, and I am no one else, so I believe it’s not that weird!

>>>

To be honest, I still believe I have long ways to go; I never thought of myself as a good person, but with the people that I have still and now in my life, I want to try and change that.

I can only say thank you to the ones that gave me a chance to prove myself that I could do better with each passing day.

It really is a long process, something that I can’t exactly determine if I have made it through.

However, when I look at the people that remain present in my life, with the way they treat me back, I know that it is positive.

If you have someone that you care about, please take the time to tell them how much you appreciate them.

>>>

No one usually reads these posts, and I’m okay with it, because it’s more or less a blog for me to look back upon, and think, ”Hey, I’ve made it this far. Why stop now?”

A good friend of mine once said, “Life’s too short to be sad over the mistakes you made. The time spent could be used for something better, so make use of it. Don’t waste your life.”

Live your life to the fullest.

Cherish it.

osuma // oszu.

[0813pm]

A Short Message

I was going to write a poem here, but I realized that I’m a horrible writer, so I refrained myself from doing so.

Maybe someday I will actually do poems...

Anyways, I wanted to make a small update.

It’s been a crazy few months, but I am doing well, and I hope you are too.

I’ve decided to make this post short and sweet, hence no photos !

It’s going to be a very special day for everyone, because it’s Christmas.

I’d like to wish everyone to have a good day ahead, and to be safe.

Grab a drink, maybe a hot chocolate or so, kick back and relax with your families.

Watch some shows, play some games, maybe chat up with your friends.

Do whatever it is that you enjoy doing, however, make it a special one.

Till then,

osuma.

[0813pm]

Playback End Roll

Hello everyone, it’s been 3-4 months since I last posted!

I apologize for the failure to consistently update monthly, which was something I promised to do previous post.

I have been busy with school, and the many changes made to my daily life made it all the more difficult to talk things through.

Rest assured, I am doing good, and I hope all of you are too!

Also, my hair has outgrown a lot since the last time I updated, and I may need a haircut by then.

The last photo I took on my camera

Since the end of April, I decided to take a hiatus off of my social media.

The most important one to me was my Instagram account.

I stopped posting photos, sharing my stories, all of those.

I felt trapped within my own walls, and I wanted to be noticed by many people for my photography work.

But I realized that to improve, I had to start somewhere with myself.

So I spent more time to myself, and to spend time with the people that I love.

Every time I woke up, whether it’s stay-in or going out, it felt like a journey.

The addition of music helps too!

The more I walked alone, the more I looked up towards the sky.

Did you know that the sky is beautiful?

I didn’t, but I know now.

I wanted to capture those moments, but I didn’t have my camera with me.

So throughout the months, I took some photos with my phone, and it’s still beautiful.

It’s nice to see how the clouds change once in a while.

In fact, I saw a cloud with the shape of a lightning bolt.

It reminded me of Harry Potter’s scar. *lol*

It’s a nice thing when we sometimes decide to look up than to look down.

I also finally went to my new school.

The environment was nice, and I loved the feeling of meeting new people.

My new friends treated me well, and I’m very grateful for that.

I even joined a co-curriculum activity related to music.

Music was something that I’ve always loved, and I want to make memorable music in the future.

I’m happy everyone there treated me well.

Once in a while, when I get stressed in class, a thing I like to do is to walk out of the room to take a breather.

By breather, I looked to the sky again.

Some days, it’d rain.

Some days, it wouldn’t.

Hot Afternoon

The workload was heavy, and I felt like giving up sometimes.

But I’m happy I didn’t.

At the end of the day we’d meet, I was sad, but happy because I know we’d see each other again sometime soon.

I was also wondering: What music would you listen to when you are alone?

Recently, I have been indulging in Indigo la End’s music.

Mr. Enon Kawatani sure knows how to play with my feelings although I don’t understand the language.

Try listening to Indigo la End once in a while, I’m sure you’ll love the band.

Evening, 7 p.m

After these 3-4 months, you may wonder, did I learn or do anything much?

Physically, I didn’t.

Mentally, I guess I did a bit.

Although I can be upset at myself that I didn’t do much and feel like I wasted it, there were a lot of times where I don’t regret it at all.

I learned that you don’t have to do many things in 3-4 months to feel like you’ve accomplished something.

In those times, I learned to appreciate the things I have currently, and to appreciate the new people in my life, and to look forward to the things I have in mind.

I have plans to do more photography projects, learn more about music, and to always spend time with my loved ones.

In these times, it’s important to always inform them that you appreciate them, and that you’re always there for them.

If you are lonely, I’m here for you!

I wished I took some photos of the dark clouds though.

It’s a good reminder that in life, we can have our ups and downs.

Maybe some day, I’ll remind myself to take photos of the dark clouds as well.

I never really edited many of the photos on my phone.

I only edited my photos I took on my camera, which I will place at the end of this post.

Currently, my Instagram only has 1 post, which was my first post.

I’m making plans to finally post again when I have the time, which may take a while.

I hope you can be patient with me, as I’m doing my best!

For the time being, I hope reading this blog makes your day slightly better.

I’ve been posting a lot more in my stories, and the answer is clear: I’m back.

As for Twitter... *lol*

I suppose tweeting once in a while wouldn’t hurt ^.^

So this is it for my blog, for now.

To the current and new readers, I thank you for taking the time to read.

I wish you good health, and I hope to see you again another time.

I will insert my camera photos that I took in July.

Take care everyone!

13/12/2022: This post was dedicated to someone who was full of confidence, life and energy. I hope you are in the best version of yourself, better than what you were when you were with me.

[0813pm]

Goodbye, April.

Good evening everyone.

It is half an hour left to May, and to be honest, I’m still looking forward to the new month, regardless of what state the world is in right now.

To be fair, everyone is definitely losing their minds.

With the new rules basically putting everyone to stay home, I thought to myself about everything that has led up to this very event.

Have I done enough?

Maybe, maybe not.

Thank you, Reiss.

⚪︎

⚪︎

⚪︎

Being stuck at home is a horrible thing, especially horrible when you’ve celebrated your birthday just not going out at all.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I’ve turned 18 on 8 of April.

It was a pleasant birthday regardless, I’ve received a lot of love from everyone that I’ve known in my life.

For that, I thank you.

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These past few days in this week has been the craziest time of my life.

I’ve been in arguments, I’ve been in denial, I’ve been going through a very confusing pathway.

Stressed from the fact that I couldn’t go to my new school is very mentally exhausting.

To me, no one should ever have their first lessons in a new school, at home.

However, all these stress has tried to make me think in a better way, to try and be a better person.

I can admit I’m not a perfect person, I have imperfections, I’m human.

I want to be the best that I can be.

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In other topics, I have grown more attracted to DAOKO’s new song, Ocharaketayo

Although it was not intended by Daoko to be a song to relate to the current virus that’s being plaguing the entire world, but I find it a touching piece to relax to.

I’m happy that music is bringing everyone together in times of hardship.

So I hope that everyone has at least found some nice music to fill in the gap in your boredom. (Share if you do !)

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To everybody that is struggling, have negative emotions, afraid, don’t be afraid, and don’t give up:

I promise you that you’ll be able to walk out peacefully again one day.

I promise you that you’ll be able to meet your friends again.

I promise you that you’ll be able to do activities that you’ve wanted to do for a long time.

I’m looking forward to when this whole pandemic ends.

What a way to say, I’ve made it this far ! Let’s go on further into life !

With the small things I could have done at home this whole month, I can safely say that I’ve done a lot of things.

I’ve continued practice on guitar, I’ve learnt to try and be more productive towards study, I’ve learnt to write on my notebooks again.

All may seem small progress, that can eventually turn out to be a big success in the end.

I’ve always dreamt of being a game designer, a musician, a film / digital photographer, be known for the works I have put out, so I will not give up now.

Thank you April, for making me weak at certain points in time.

Thank you too, April, for making me strong at certain points in time.

I will always appreciate April because it has and will always be a special month to me.

I hope to make better memories in April 2021

Oh, the relaxing rain at night.

I hope it extends a bit longer for tonight.

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Thank you for coming to read again, I owe everyone this blog post after failing to make one on my birthday. (That was on me)

I hope my self-thought of how April was is good enough for everyone to carry on with their day.

I will promise though, to keep the energy alive.

I never want to stop posting updates.

To everyone, stay strong !

Till then...

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”

[0813pm]

Reflection Of Time

Hello everybody, it’s been a very, very long time.

I apologize for the false promises of updating my blog and all, it’s been rough weeks and times.

However now, I have the time to talk to everyone that’s reading this, and I hope to at least make this update be a little bit longer as compensation for the times where I said that I’d update.

Still sorry.

Today I was thinking about the times that I went to Osaka, Japan and started reflecting.

What a wonderful place it was!

Thinking back, it was super cold, yet, uplifting.

When I think about Japan, I think about the fun times I had walking in the cold wind, seeing the vibrant environment at the city area, and how cultural it was.

Osaka.

Overtime, I kept thinking about my friends, as well as my loved ones that were back in Singapore.

I missed them a lot.

However, their presence online as I chat with them on WhatsApp made me more calm as I travel the unknown far away.

I went to Nara to visit the deers too !

Though I will share that another time (I will do my best to remember to share a photo)

I did visit Kyoto, more specifically, the Fushimi Inari Shrine, and what a wonderful place it was !

Quiet and peaceful.

If you asked me about food, it was delicious.

I did miss the food back home, but the ramen I ate, was delicious.

I did try the sushi there too, and it was amazing.

Everything that I wanted to try in Japan, 3/4 was done and served.

Considering that this was my first time flying on an airplane, it was fine, I suppose.

It wasn’t as scary as I thought it’d be.

As the days went by, I stopped caring about the Winter season eventually, and I got accustomed to the cold in Japan, though I would continuously shiver as I made my way back to the hotel with my cousins at night.

Did I buy anything, yes I did !

One of my highlights was being able to buy DAOKO ‘THANK YOU BLUE’ and ‘ 私的旅行’ from a music shop.

I might have been blessed by a spirit in disguise as they were the only ones on the DAOKO shelf.

A relief, it was.

Kyoto.

One of my apparent favourite photo taken in Osaka.

Oh I did go to Universal Studios Japan and it was very fun to go for the Hogwarts Ride !

Though eventually, all fun things must come to an end.

I remember slightly tearing up as I took a final look at Japan as the airplane lifted up into the skies, same reaction I had as when I left Singapore.

As 2020 arrived, I believe that travelling to Japan left me in a better state than I was prior to it.

I tried my best to become more wise, and more willing to commit to my actions.

Though I might repeat same mistakes over and over, I’m still willing to be better.

I have had a rough month in January, even going over to take a hiatus from close friends because I didn’t want to cause any trouble.

But as February came, I got back up on my feet, and I have never felt so much better than before.

I can only thank everyone who was close to me for that.

I did succeed by moving on to a new stage in education, and it’s the course that I wanted, so I hope that everyone there will treat me well too.

Other than that, it’s been a fun journey of photography for me as well.

I have started to be more independent on my editing, and I try to look at inspirational photographers, one notably being Mr. Hideaki Hamada.

So with 2020, one of my goals is to have my work noticed by everyone.

In the end, I think my update might have seemed short, so I apologize once again.

I promise I won’t ghost off again somewhere and not update everyone.

Thank you to all that read my updates.

So goodbye, and take care.

Biggest of love !

“Cherish the things you still have in life, and always enjoy the moment to the fullest.”

[0813pm]

Month

Good morning everyone, hope you’ve been doing fine.

Going through August and onto Mid-September, it’s been a really stressful time period for me.

Especially with Science Practical being weeks away, bummer.

Nevertheless, I sought to find methods to calm myself down, and it works wonders.

Sometimes looking at the sky helps me to calm myself down.

At times, I feel as though someone is watching over me in the clouds.

I thank you for being there.

Sometimes, confiding in my friends, especially the person I love, can lead to many wonderful results.

Thank you, too for helping me.

Near the end of August, it was consistently raining.

I can only feel blessed to have a new umbrella.

It’s cute too.

Reflecting again on my time in 2019 so far, as much as I regret some things, I cherish the moments in it.

I learned a lot of things from people.

I learned how to care, love, and to be grateful.

As the second child, I’ve always been rebellious, still am at times.

But I hope people know that I don’t intend to be rude, and that I appreciate them.

Moving on, I also did a lot of fun things!

I went to eat at a sushi restaurant.

It was a pleasing experience as I finally decided to man up and eat those sushi.

Unedited, yes, I’m still learning how to hold the chopsticks.

I remember how my mother said that my sister couldn’t eat raw, which meant I probably won’t be able too, but I managed without difficulty.

Also the beef I ordered came in a huge size, when the image was small.

I’m not complaining!

I was happy it was very big!

Left with an empty bowl and a full stomach

I can say that these weeks were filled with new experiences as well as revisiting childhood deserts, like the Ice Kacang!

Also, there was a Japan Summer Festival that took place recently.

I got to meet many people who were passionate about the culture, as well as understand about it.

I didn’t want to make myself only be attracted to anime, as if I were to live in Japan one day, I’ve got to know about how things were done there.

Also, I’ll be in Japan in December, so definitely, I’ll learn more there myself.

My first Panorama Photo

I was quite sleepy due to an unexpected event prior to the day, but it was still mind-blowing.

Oh, and I got to watch Makoto Shinkai’s latest masterpiece, Weathering With You, twice, in fact.

The weather can go crazy on its own! Also, lots of raining, very cold.

So at the end of the day, I really had a pleasant time.

I thank you for still sticking with my journey.

Also, to the person that took the photo of me posing at the poster, I love you ;)

I have a lot of plans to look forward to as usual, after my exams.

I hope I’ll be able to continue to document my time with all of you still.

After this blog post, I’ll try and post based on my day itself rather than account for the many days since I last posted.

As always, I’ll be active on other social media platforms.

I’ll continue to work hard on my studies and finally graduate from middle school.

I’ll leave a picture of the sunset I took a while ago.

I’m sorry for the photo lag, the floating lamp post really ruined it.

Till then, take care!

“Don’t let dreams always be dreams.”

[0813pm]

Illusory Sense

Good afternoon everyone, it’s been quite a while.

It’s August and oh my, how time flies.

It feels as though 1st January was just yesterday.

Lately I’ve been reminiscing about the past and how beautiful it was back then.

Similar to last time, but this time, it was fully positive.

Maybe bittersweet..

reflections of our past.

It’s been quite tiring.

School work, exams, you name it.

Especially when majors are this year, and I wish I could punch whoever decided to stress us out in the face.

But who am I to judge.

So then, whenever I think about my times in my previous schools, I feel happier.

Maybe it’s the sense of freedom, but it’s usually the feeling of gratitude, being proud of what I have.

I had the most fun week previously.

Back to when it was 8 August, everything sparked so brightly.

I had the chance of taking photos with my friends: Something I’ve been missing in my 5 years of Secondary School life.

Trying to be independent was something that I never thought would pop into my mind.

But it did.

With simple steps, I’ve succeeded.

Looking back at all the photos I took, I can never be anymore happier because I’ve came so far.

I remember making this blog with the sole intention of speaking out my feelings on my life, and while not everyone reads it, I’m happy that a small amount actually do.

And I thank you for it.

Trying to represent my feelings out in public is something that has always been hard for me to do.

Because I am always afraid of the people who will judge me, and afraid that I will be rejected as a whole.

But to be able to do it with supportive people, it’s easier.

To everyone, I wish you the best.

thank you @ _niclxy_ for the photos

I can’t really show how appreciative I am of everything that I have in my life, because I always want more.

But taking time to rethink things, I really am, grateful.

Being able to wake up in the morning is truly a blessing, and I want to keep on doing that for a longer time.

There’s so many things I hope to do in life.

I hope that you too, will find what you want to do.

So I’ll end off my blog here for the time being.

I hope that the months haven’t been too rough on any one of you.

If so, whack it in the face and say, “I can do it !”

Work hard, and be safe.

Till then, thank you ! ! !

[0813pm]

The Anime That Changed Me

Hello everyone, it’s been a while. Hope you are all okay.

Recently, I stumbled across old songs, songs that brought differences into my life at 2 years ago.

RADWIMP - 夢灯籠 (Yumetourou) and  RADWIMP - 前前前世 (Zen Zen Zense).

These songs were in the anime movie that changed my life:

君の名は。-  Kimi No Nawa. (Your Name.)

“I came to see you. It wasn’t easy because you were so far away.” – Taki Tachibana

If this movie doesn’t ring a bell in you, then I’ll have to tell you to watch it. 

Believe me, it’s worth your time.

This movie came during the time of when I was a bright and happy student who was just starting to be more independent as the modules I picked in school encouraged me to do so.

During happy times, came the sad ones as well.

It was the last movie I watched with a close friend of mine before he migrated.

a scene in the movie (but not the first scene)

As soon as the movie started up, I was blown away, instantly.

So many places in the movie, I’d love to visit.

When I’m older, I’ll do so since I have plans for it.

Do note that, I came back into watching anime recently, and this movie was recommended and popular.

Being curious, I finally understood why.

It managed to bring out feelings that I didn’t think existed in me.

I was happy.

I was curious.

I was crying.

During the climax, I remember crying, terribly.

This movie was one of the few special animes that had made me to do better in life, whether it was in studies, or in character.

It’s moments like this, I realised how life can change a lot in such short timings.

My best friend, seeing me cry, handed me tissues to wipe my tears.

It’s nothing to many, but it means a lot to me.

After that, he left for Canada, and I lost contact with him.

However, I believe he’s alright, and I hope to see him come back someday.

As a person growing up still, I always tried to seek comfort in many people, usually my close friends.

At the end of the day, I wish sometimes I could receive tight hugs from everyone.

To me, it’s better than saying goodbye.

Thinking about my mistakes I made since then, I regretted a lot making time for the people that I realised aren’t worth my time.

However, I have sympathy for them, as if they dislike me, it’s their issue, not mine anymore.

Now, I struggle a lot, but I have it under control.

Though I have a better life compared to last year, my only regret was not spending more time with my best friends.

But the distance between us as they move on to different schools doesn’t stop me from being able to contact them.

So what did I do?

I moved on, and stopped caring about the smallest of doubts.

I was so afraid of moving on, but I know it’s inevitable.

Now and then, I tend to think about the past, but then it only brings good memories no matter how bad they are.

I try my best to be myself in front of everyone, and from what I see, they accept me, and I thank them for it.

When people judge you for watching such things, such as anime, saying it’s pointless, I’ll come up and say that there are some that teaches us things.

For Kimi No Nawa, from my point of view, it’s the importance of cherishing what you have still.

Say thank you to your friends, say I love you to your family, hug everyone that you know.

Be happy even if you don’t have anything at the moment because what you wish for will definitely come to you if you work hard for it.

I hope you enjoyed my blog update today, it’s one where I don’t include personal pictures that I’ve taken.

Recently, things have been rough on me, I have doubts of passing finals, but with your support, I can do it.

I’m really blessed with everyone that still supports me to this day, I’m really shy with your compliments, but I thank you a lot for it.

Till next time!

Love you.

“Treasure the experience. Dreams fade away after you wake up.” – 悦子 (Etsuko Ichihara), Voice Actress of Hitoha Miyamizu, Rest In Peace.)

[0813pm]

Nice Trip

Today’s weather kicked off in a good way.

Hot and sunny.

It’s often I face this annoying weather for many months, but I felt comfortable with it today somehow.

Today was going to be a good day.

It has been a while since I last visited the central part of Singapore.

Living in the east, it tends to be boring after a while, but like the things I said previously, those are one of the best things about living there.

However, travelling is good once in a while.

I managed to find more photos of plants.

I think it’s fun to take photos of plants.

In fact, I took another previously.

This was a few days ago.

This trip was a very special one.

Setting out with a good friend of mine, we ventured out to the central parts of the country  with the possibility that we may get lost.

But learning to find our way back is more exciting.

So many surprises, even I was surprised I met up at the designated location on time instead of being late.

I also saw palm trees. 

Rarely see it at the east, so I was happy.

At the end of the day, it suddenly started raining as I was on my way back home.

I haven’t noted it, but there were many mishaps with the photos taken.

But I wasn’t angry at all.

I was really happy that despite all the issues, it is to me, a successful trip with my friend.

To my friend, thank you for being patient, you are the best!

As I end the day off relaxing on my chair typing this out to my fellow readers, I hope that you had a day like this as well.

It doesn’t have to be a trip to somewhere at all.

If you prefer to be staying in your homes, cuddled up in your blanket, that’s good too.

To achieve such days, it is up to you to decide what makes you happier.

To me, it was this trip.

I hope that I get to have more of these days, and I hope you achieve it too. Look forward to your days. I promise it will be filled with fun times

Photo courtesy of my good friend @hanako.wren on Instagram

So at the end of the day, it was certainly a Nice Trip.

I hope to write more about life. I hope that everyone enjoys reading these updates once in a while.

Till then, I love you!

[0813pm]

Remember Me

Today I walked down the street, it felt sad, but happy at the same time.

I wonder if I feel that way because of memories.

I would always walk with my friends down this pavement whenever we end school, and the leaves blowing, it felt nostalgic.

That long pathway gives off a lot of vibes.

If you listen to any relaxing song, you’ll feel calm and you’d admire the walk.

But don’t get too carried away as well.

Sometimes when I walk down the pathway alone now, I get a lot of feelings.

Sometimes I actually don’t feel anything.

Sometimes however, I hope that people would accept me.

I’m happy because of the people I have, but I’m sad because of mistakes I made back then that let me to lose people along the way.

It’s bound to happen, the fact that I remember.

I regret the feeling a lot, but I also embrace the feeling a lot.

However, I had a lot of fun as per usual today.

It was mixed, but the positive feeling carried along, making me feel stronger.

To everyone, if you are struggling, please stay strong, and remind yourself to do better.

To the ones that I love, keep going on.

To the ones that I hated, I don’t wish any hate on you, so please work harder as well and get your hard work turn to a positive feeling.

I found this in my old gallery

At the end of the day, we’re all human, I suppose.

I feel like I can bring positive impacts to the people around me, and worldwide.

So, one day, when I am well-known, I hope that I can make a huge difference to people’s lives.

I hope that they can remember me.

[0813pm]

Cold Blue

Today was exam day.

The morning started out cold due to the rain from yesterday.

However, I wasn’t going to let such weather stop me from doing my examination papers.

At the end of the exam, I felt more than relieved to run out of the school happily, because I’ve done a major exam for the time being, at least.

However, the rain came again. I kept moving forward regardless. Silly me.

The rest of the day went out as usual, I played games, entertaining myself. Right after, I decided that maybe, I should get food.

So I went out.

The aftermath of the rain was astonishing. I wish you could see it from my perspective, but I hope a picture is enough to show it.

Photo taken at 6pm

Slippery surfaces, why not?

To add on, taking a photo of one of the plants from the trees turned out to have amazing results. I am really proud of my phone for once, being able to take such nice photos.

You could tell the coldness of the surrounding from this photo.

Other than that, during the day, I thought of a lot of things.

I felt like crying multiple times sometimes thinking about the past because of things people have done to me and my mistakes that continued from the effect.

However, sometimes when I think about the results after, I was happy.

Moving on from a painful feeling hurts, but to move on is a big challenge.

You can stop suddenly and want to give up.

But you shouldn’t.

At this time, I started thinking more about the people I still have.

And I’m grateful.

Moving on from the topic, I managed to get delicious food from the local food court at a mall I frequent visit.

Customer service was quite poor today, but I wasn’t angry because they were serving a lot of customers, and it can be pressuring.

So I applaud them for working hard.

Yummy! Fish and Chips.

Though I wish I took the photo from a better perspective.

I’ll work harder on that ;-;

However, at the end of the day, I had a really fun time.

I do not know how I could have turned such a boring exam day to a fun filled exam day with post activities.

From today, begins my long 1 month holiday.

(However that holiday isn’t really a holiday, more of revision of subjects week)

At the end of the day, I managed to get a nice view of the sky from my place.

It was plain, but beautiful.

However, I hope to see the countless number of stars that everyone talks about in different countries someday.

Maybe when I travel to Japan, I’ll be able to experience it.

Till then, have a good night!

[0813pm]

New Day

Good afternoon, 0813pm here.

Today, I made my own blog. Typically, many have their hosted website but, I’m not the smartest of types to do such things, and I prefer it that I do my blogs easily on a popular website that is easy functioning for the time being. Furthermore, I’m not really famous, so that’s that.

This week had the most amount of nostalgia that went into my mind. It was crazy. Out of the nostalgia, I found the colour that I thought I wouldn’t make me calm.

Blue.

It’s very calm, and soft. As I got out of my house to go to school, the sky was so blue. Listening to  DAOKO  「終わらない世界で」 helps with the feeling as well.

 With that, at that time, I suddenly felt.. Happy

But that only happened on Monday unfortunately. Other days, the sky was clear and bright white, the usual other days. However, that day brought significance to me. I felt more determined to do things, with that, I set my day off to do better.

Tomorrow’s going to be Monday again, as I write this, constantly working myself off to remember every single detail that I need to remember for my exam the following day, I’ll try and remind myself to always do better.

I hope to not flop the papers tomorrow. However, even then, I knew that I did my best at the end of the day.

So with that, I end off my first update. I wish you all a wonderful week ahead.

I will do my best to update from time to time.

Signing out.