#it’s currently almost 2 am
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The Myserious Art of Coping - part 2
Part 1 | Part 3 | Part 4
Ao3
Wattpad
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02. 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞
"σσн, єα¢н мσяηιηg ι gєт υρ ι ∂ιє α ℓιтт��є, ¢αη вαяєℓу ѕтαη∂ ση му ƒєєт (тαкє α ℓσσк αт уσυяѕєℓƒ) тαкє α ℓσσк ιη тнє мιяяσя αη∂ ¢яу (αη∂ ¢яу) ℓσя∂, ωнαт уσυ'яє ∂σιηg тσ мє? (уєαн, уєαн) ι нανє ѕρєηт αℓℓ му уєαяѕ ιη вєℓιєνιηg уσυ вυт ι נυѕт ¢αη'т gєт ησ яєℓιєƒ, ℓσя∂ ѕσмєвσ∂у (ѕσмєвσ∂у), σσн, ѕσмєвσ∂у (ѕσмєвσ∂у) ¢αη αηувσ∂у ƒιη∂ мє ѕσмєвσ∂у тσ ℓσνє?"
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-important notes about this chapter
• Cruising was a movie that came out in 1980 starring Al Pacino. His character, Steve Burns is a detective that has to catch a serial killer who is killing homosexuals. In the process, he has to go undercover in gay S&M bars to find the culprit while the police department's homophobia gets in the way. In the process, he discovers that he identifies with the culture a lot more than he expected and becomes distant with his girlfriend.
• Parting Glances is another LGBTQ movie that came out in '86. It's about a successful gay man who has to choose between two lovers. One is currently his boyfriend and the other who is suffering from HIV.
• In this chapter I heavily implied an Autistic Eddie. Everything I wrote is about some of my experiences even though I'm not diagnosed. I also did some research and read some comments to help me along the way.
• As someone who has Anxiety Tics, I also implied that with Eddie so keep in mind that the clicking he does with his tongue at random isn't a random thing I brought into it. It's something that I personally believe his character has
The black curtains that were put up to shield the sun from the boys' room weren't putting much effort into doing their job this morning. The sun had started to rise thirty minutes prior and was now higher up in the sky above the tree lines and at the perfect angle to shine in Eddie's small room. The beams were starting to take more room on the pillow next to Eddie as each minute passed, taking as much space as it could before falling on the back of his head. The dreaming boy was very unaware of the imposter in his room, he enjoyed his room being very dark and shaded so that when it was a really hot day his room would be the coolest one in the house.
Mumbling in his sleep Eddie moves his right hand to scratch his scalp before letting it fall back on the side of the bed. Nothing coming out of his mouth was coherent, just random words that didn't mean anything. His other arm that wasn't falling off the side of the bed was currently underneath him in a very awkward position. If he had been awake it would have been a very uncomfortable position for him. Normally he sleeps on his stomach and sprawled out like a starfish most nights. But with his reoccurring nightmares, he moves a lot more in his sleep.
Everything was silent and for once very peaceful in his room. Normally it was chaos as he ran around his room looking for something he lost or loud music blaring as he bobbed his head to the rhythm throwing his limbs around awkwardly. Though the peace doesn't last much longer as his voice gets a little louder and his free arm flies up in the air landing on the sunny pillow. In the process of him moving from his side to laying on his back, his breathing started to pick up. His body jerked as if he was trying to get away from something. He moves his head to the left a little and now the bright glare coming from his window is flashing into his eyes.
Making a ton of noises as his cramped arm moves to cover his eyes he begins to whine as he slowly starts to wake up. The feeling of his blanket wrapped around him making him feel like he was being suffocated. This was what was starting to set him off into a sensory overload. The feeling of the item scratching against his skin, the birds chirping outside and the sun blinding him the second he tries to open his eyes were all overwhelming him. The combination was pissing him off a little as he begins to grind his teeth out of irritation. After a second of laying there he quickly kicks the blanket off of him and he's moving with sunken eyes to try and cover his window again. Fighting with the curtains before making a relieved noise when the sun wasn't bothering him anymore.
Stretching a bit hearing the loud pops of his back he begins to wince as he tries to shake his limbs back awake, making even more noises of complaint over his dead arm. Making a mental note to try and not to sleep on it like he had again. Which would be very difficult as he could only fall asleep on his stomach with one of his records playing in the background. Running a hand through his hair he winces at the knots and makes a face at how greasy it feels. Sure it could easily be played off as a part of his aesthetic but he felt too disgusting to be able to go through with that.
As he calms his senses down, he looks over at his clock to see that it was only eight am. Raising his eyebrows, he was very much surprised. Normally he would sleep until three in the afternoon. With no longer going to school he found that it was easier to just forget how time and days worked. Stretching his body a little more it also clicks in his head that he feels somewhat motivated today. Maybe even leave the house as he was becoming bored with staying cooped up in the place.
Standing up his socks meet the carpet and he rubs his stomach underneath his shirt feeling the sweat stains and smelling them. Gagging a little at how disgusting he felt he worked his way to the bathroom where he strips as fast as he can. Looking in the small mirror he tilts his head as he moves his eyes up and down his body just taking himself in. He felt like one of those cocky douche-bags when he did this. The only reason he did most days was to ground himself. Knowing that he was real and not a part of some messed-up dream.
His hands move to his chest first where he traces over the tattoo of the head on the left side. Smiling proudly as it was one of his favorite drawings he's ever done. He continues to move his hands down feeling his rib cage reminding himself that he was very real. He was indeed flesh and bones. His hands move over the tendered wounds that he thought he was going to hate but ended up loving. Though they were still sore so he wasn't surprised at how he winced and grunted a little in pain. His hands move down to his stomach. Something he enjoyed a lot about himself. That and his thighs, using both body parts as a drum set whenever he was listening to music. His rough fingers then move to his v line as he traces that for a second as he begins to breathe in and out for a few moments grounding himself the best he can. He also did this to help calm himself from his senses.
He could feel his hair falling lightly on his back the grease was bugging him but he ignores it just for now as he moves his fingers back up to his neck. Not opening his eyes as he takes his necklace off and carefully sets it down on the counter. Opening his eyes he now moves to his face where he stares into his red-rimmed eyes. They were watery and glossy an obvious sign that he just woke up. Licking his lips a little he moves away from the mirror and moves into the shower. Turning it on and adjusting it so the temp was where he wanted it. Often he would get in the shower and fall into the comfortable warmth for it to only then go really cold and send him into another sensory overload. He didn't want that this morning.
When he's finally standing under the water he feels so much better. His hair sticks to his forehead and back and he hums to himself as he starts to sing without much thought. The acoustics were amazing in here so why wouldn't he take advantage of that. The tune was playing in the back of his head and the song was already stuck in his head. He most likely would be singing it for days after this.
"Come mothers and fathers Throughout the land, And don't criticize what you can't understand, your sons and your daughters are beyond your command, your old road is rapidly agin', Please get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand, For the times they are a-changin'." his voice rasps out a little as his hands scratch his scalp cleaning himself the rest of the way before stepping out of the shower still humming the tune. Moving and grabbing his toothbrush and started to brush his teeth. Though he's quick to start gagging not enjoying the flavor but he powers through it as his mouth was currently overwhelming him. Wiping his mouth he huffs as he takes a towel wrapping it around his waist before he moves out of the bathroom heading to his bedroom. Though before he can make it he hears a knock on his door.
Groaning and making even more noise he moves to the door nearly naked. Only holding his towel up with one hand as he opens the door not caring. Unsure who the hell was at his door right now. Slightly paranoid that it was some asshole who wanted to kick his ass.
Though when his eyes finally adjust to the sun he sees that it's only Jonathan and Argyle. Both of them looking way to sober. "Like dude, if we don't buy some weed from you right now I'm going to like. Lose my marbles." Argyle says talking with his head and Jonathan turns to look at him with a what the hell look. It seemed like the two of them didn't want to come off desperate but they were.
"Yeah, yeah. You caught me with my pants down I'm afraid. The only stuff I have at the moment is my own personal stash." he hums before he pauses wagging his finger a grin forming on his lips. "Actually boys, I can do you better," he says excitedly and Argyle looks confused and Jonathan's already starting to talk.
"I'm sorry we don't do anything harder than weed man," Jonathan speaks as he pokes his head inside the trailer a bit as he watches Eddie moving to his room. Surprisingly feeling more energetic than he had been lately.
"That's not what I meant," Eddie says as he quickly changes into clothes not bothering with his boxers. "I meant something else." He returns out in less than a minute holding his bag of weed. Argyle's eyes light up as he moves into the trailer without much thought. Eddie didn't mind as he moves his hand up stopping the other from just grabbing it.
"There's just a few things. I'll give this to you for free if you can drive up to my supplier and get some more weed off from him for me." Eddie says already doing what he normally did when he was in business. Argyles looks at Jonathan before shrugging.
"Okay man I can do that," he speaks slowly trying to grab it again but Eddies making soft tsking noises as he looks over at Byers with a serious look on his face.
"There is one more thing." He hums as he ignores how bad the carpet felt against his feet. Normally he would be throwing a fit over it but he didn't want to embarrass himself right now and not be taken seriously. "Byers you still taking photos of innocent girls without clothes on? Oh and almost forgot the last detail, without their permission. I'm sorry man but I'll happily sell to Argyle but you..." he shakes his head scrunching his nose up. "I don't like peeping toms."
Argyle is turning and looking at Jonathan with a look on his face that Eddie can't describe. Jonathan's face is going a little pale and even more pink as he stutters a little. All three of them go silent before Argyle shakes his head at Jonathan even more. "Not cool man. That's hella weird." He says as Eddie moves to cross his arms a little bit. The tension in the room was starting to build up as Eddie taps his fingers against his chin.
"Though if you prove that you aren't a creep anymore I'll consider selling to you. I mean you've gone through a life-changing experience so for all I know you've learned there's so much more to live for besides staring up skirts." Eddie says casually as that's Jonathan's last straw as he pushes himself out of the trailer. Moving to the van with a red face. Eddie was sure he had most likely made the other cry but truth be told he didn't care. He didn't have many rules when he sold but when it came to creeps he made sure not to sell to them.
••••
A couple of hours pass before he decides that playing the guitar was fucking boring after going for a few hours straight. His hands hurt and there were already some blisters forming on his fingertips. The plan isn't thought out all that much as he slides his shoes on and gets himself situated. Locking the door behind him and carrying the key on his necklace he works his way down the road to his van. The vehicle had taken a lot of damage and thankfully he was able to replace the windows and tires after Jason and his stupid groupies decided to destroy them in the name of Justice. Who knew Hawkins had their own personal Batman.
Eddie cringes stopping his negative thoughts when he remembers that Jason had fallen victim to Vecna himself. It explained why he had gone completely off his rocker so easily when Chrissy died. Though he snaps himself out of his thoughts as he moves to hop up on the driver's side before he's hearing his name being called from across the dirt road. "Eddie! Wait up!" He turns his head out the door squinting his eyes from the sun as he sees Max running towards him holding her skateboard. He freaks out a little as he hops out of the van quickly meeting her part way thinking something was wrong.
"What's wrong?" He asks sounding spooked. Looking around to make sure there wasn't anyone watching them or worst something chasing Max. His panicked expression seems to register to Max a few seconds too late as she tries to catch her breath.
"Oh nothing, I was just hoping you could give me a ride into town?" She asks looking up at him with an 'oopsie' smile. Eddies relaxing though his heart and body weren't. He felt the anxiety floating through his veins causing him to twitch and shake a little. Breathing in deeply he shakes his head holding his chest a little before he's moving back to his van and getting in the driver's side.
"So... is that a yes?" Max asks as she bites her lip hoping she didn't have to skateboard all the way into town. Eddie sighs dramatically as if it's the worst thing he could be doing with his free time.
"I suppose, where are you going anyway?" He asks. Not looking at her as he moves his body over to unlock the passenger side. Pulling the lock up and opening the slightly broken door for her. Watching to make sure that she got up there without getting hurt. The number of times he's hurt himself trying to get in the van was crazy. But she moves herself like she's done this countless times, maybe she has he doesn't know and now there she sits in the passenger seat like it's a throne. Moving to her right grabbing the door handle and closing the door behind her. The boy can't help but feel a little impressed that she got the door to close completely on the first try.
"Skate park." She answers as her hand moves to the radio already. Eddie doesn't mind though as he leans to his left grabbing his door and closes it. But like always it clicks back open and he groans as he opens it trying to shut it a few times before it finally closes all the way. He glances over seeing Max already going through all of his tapes. Her eyes skimmed between each one. The kid also looked very tired but he didn't want to bother her too much about it.
Turning his key in the ignition the van stalls for a second before it finally starts and they are both finally on their journey to the skate park. He buckles himself in almost forgetting and makes a comment to Max about it. Who groans in complaint. "Hey shithead, this van is pretty beat up. If a tire or something pops off and I accidentally swerved into a tree I don't want another murder case on my hands because you flew through the window and snapped your neck. I don't think I'll be so lucky this time around." He chuckles. Max looks at him like he is crazy and gives him a bit of a dirty look as she clicks on her seat belt.
Out of spite he presses the brake fast jerking her forward as she yelps dropping a few of his tapes. Grinning he glances over at her. "See. Told you." He says amused. The younger girl is already moving and hitting him in the arm as he takes a turn, taking a shortcut to the skate park.
"God I hate you." She huffs dramatically as he starts to laugh like a crazed man on the driver's side. Though she finally chooses a tape and pops it in, the familiar guitars start to play and Eddie glances over with a huger grin when he realizes that she not only chose Metallica but she knew the songs. Bopping her head for the next five minutes before the next track comes on and Eddie's tensing up a bit when he recognizes Master of Puppets. Each cord that played reminded him of his own concert down in the upside down.
"What's wrong?" Max asks catching on to the sudden mood shift. It was hard not to, Eddie was always goofy so when he went silent with no noise. Not even his fingers tapping the wheel, not humming a little, or even clicking his tongue something was definitely up. She didn't think it was the music but she wasn't sure what it was that made the other go strangely silent.
"Oh, it's nothing... it's just." Eddie pauses as he runs a hand through his hair as his hands begins to shake again making an involuntary clicking noise as his anxiety rose. "When me and Dustin were in the upside down together this was the song that I played to distract the bats from everyone. And- it's so stupid but it's making my scars sting just from the memory." He lets out an uncomfortable laugh as Max moves forward and presses skip on the song. Listening to it fast forward.
"It's okay Eddie. I cant listen to Kate Bush without going back to that horrible world either. That and I can't listen to Kill 'em all without crying still. That was Billy's favorite song before he died." Max explains as the next song starts to play lowly in the background. Now this was what Eddie needed. Breathing and calming down realizing the other wasn't going to give him the whole, "you're save and nothing is going to happen ever again so you don't have anything to worry about" speech. He looks over to see that she was having just a difficult time talking about her emotions like he was.
"Were you close with Billy?" He asks with a raised eyebrow noticing how the other seemed tense under the silence. He wasn't good with social cues but the other looked like she wanted to get something off her chest. Still paying attention to the road he also glances over at the other to make sure he read this correctly. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. You just seem like you need to get something off your chest, and like I'm horrible at reading people so I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable it wasn't my intention." He rambles out nervously tapping the wheel again as his leg starts to bounce.
Max looks over at him before snorting a little, "You are the strangest Metalhead I've ever met. And I've met a shit ton when I lived in California." She says amused. Eddie rolls his eyes amused not taking it to heart because it was true. He knew he wasn't the stereotypical have no feelings all I care about is Ozzy's vibes like typical metal heads did. He opens his mouth to retort back at her but Max is speaking again.
"But yeah? And no?" She answers. "Back in California, we were sort of close. Though he was still very reserved off on a lot of things and I'm not sure what was his Dad forcing him to be nice to me or what was actually him. Then he started high school and he changed completely. He started to see a lot more girls, started to work out more, and started to get in more fights. Then one day Neal walked in on him with a guy and totally freaked. Packed our shit up and we moved here back to Neal's hometown within a week." Max talks as she freezes as she looks at Eddie a little panicked.
"I shouldn't have said anything about the whole sleeping with a guy thing. That wasn't for me to talk about and oh god you could out Billy for all I know." She rambles out. It was now her turn to panic like the other had before. Eddie was actually in shock that the Billy Hargrove slept with guys too. Apart of him was in shock and the other side was disappointed because he totally could have had a chance to sleep with the other. Though realistically the other would've punched him in the face but he could dream, right?
"Yeah... not really your place to tell someone about. Though secrets safe with me. God knows you've seen a few guys come into my trailer from time to time." He says nonchalantly. Max's eyes grow wide for a second before she decides to not make a big deal out of it. Eddie was grateful, but he knew that him saying something, even though he wasn't sure where she stood, would ease her nerves about outing Billy. The second that came out she was a target for bullying.
"Well anyway, we moved here and he was okay for a bit. Sleeping with a bunch of girls, working out, and joining the basketball team but then something changed. He saw Steve at some stupid party and he started to go a little weird again. Then after the fight with Steve in the trailer, he went even weirder. He slept around with girls a lot more, worked out more, worked on his car more, went to more parties and I'm pretty sure he had a date with Nancy Wheelers Mom." Max rambles out her nose scrunching up a bit as Eddie's eyebrows skyrocket up his forehead. Though he tries not to come off as judgmental.
"He hurt Steve really bad and a lot of other people. And like, I'm not even sure what was actually him or what was the image he created for himself for his dad. Like he was friends with a lot of people in California but the second he saw me become friends with Lucas he started to act racist you know? I don't know if he was actually or if he was acting like that to get me to stop hanging out with Lucas so Neal didn't find out. Neal would've freaked and beaten the shit out of Billy if he had." Max rambles out as she rubs her arms a little self-conscious as Eddie parks in a spot near the skatepark. Seeing kids going down ramps and doing kickflips.
"And part of me wished he would die you know? He was the hugest dick ever and I never thought he actually would. We weren't close or anything but we both had to deal with Neal and that sort of made us teammates? Like I remember one time he accidentally broke a dish trying to grab something off the top shelf and Neal freaked. And I quickly swept it up and said I accidentally did it. At that time Neal wouldn't touch me because of my Mom. Then the next week I accidentally burnt dinner and Neal started to freak out on me and Billy was there and took the blame for me. It sort of made me think we were siblings on a certain level you know?" Max rambles out as Eddie nods his head just listening.
The van goes silent and the kid looks as if she just got rid of the worse weight she's ever held in her life. Eddie smiles softly as he moves to pat her shoulder. "It's not your fault you know. Or Billy's. It's Neal's. You and Billy just had different coping methods you know? But that also doesn't excuse the racism or dickhead remarks he made. He made his choice and now he has to go along with the consequences." Eddie speaks softly and Max turns to look at him. She smiles a little as she looked a lot calmer.
"Thank you, Eddie. For the ride and well the talk. Steve tries but his anger for Billy normally takes over." She admits as Eddie shrugs as he takes one of the toothpicks from his cup holder and puts it in his mouth chewing on it a little.
"It's no problem. Have fun, if you need a ride back I'm going to most likely be grocery shopping and going to family video to harass Harrington and Buckley." He says amused. The girl nods her head and smiles as she hops out of the van waving at him before running to the skate park. Pausing as she turns seeing he was still watching her and she laughs a little flipping him off, getting the same hand gesture in return.
••••
The open sign was in the window as Eddie walks into the small store. He felt stares at him the second he arrived in town but he attempts to at least ignore them. Walking into the movie rental place he looks around and his eyes brows scrunch up in confusion when he sees that no one was there. Looking around for a few more seconds before shrugging and going to look at each VHS that was available. Running a hand through his hair as he finds a movie that catches his attention. Picking the tape up with Al Pacino he decides that 'Cruising' it is. He just hopes he doesn't get judged for putting it on the counter to rent. Though before he moves to the counter he catches Tim Curry's face and groans as he decides he mind as well. Go big or go home as he holds not only 'Cruising' but 'The Rocky Horror Show' in his hand moving to the front counter setting them down.
Seeing the bell he decides to continuously press it, his other hand moving to hold up his head as he waits very impatiently. He hears loud complaints from the back room and he grins when he recognizes the voices. "Hold your horses!" Steve's yelling as he walks out of the back room with a little bit of jelly on the side of his mouth. Robin is right behind him as Eddie shakes his head still not stopping. Personally wanting to annoy the two but also the dinging noise was giving him some enjoyment.
The two finally look at him as they move into their small little cut-offed area. Steve looks surprised the other was there but was holding a smile anyway. Robin was equally shocked but it quickly disappears when she moves taking the bell from the boy, who makes a noise of complaint immediately. "You're like a five-year-old - oh my god." Robin starts to tease him before the movies that were in front of her catch her attention. Eddie's going pale as he quickly snatched them and decides he changed his mind. He's just going to put them on the shelf with a pink face. Do the walk of shame.
Steve is oblivious as he looks confused not aware of the two movies. Though he catches the title and asks, "wait aren't those the two movies we almost had to take off the shelves because of what's her name?" He asks confused as he looks at Robin who's glaring at him to shut up but nodding her head. He catches the hint quickly zipping his lips still very unaware about what was going on and why Eddie was getting shy and flustered all of a sudden. He didn't even know what the movies were about.
Robins moving around the counter as she moves to grab another movie as she holds up the cover for 'Parting Glances.' moving in front of Eddie forcing him to stop in his tracks. "This is personally another movie I liked." She hums as she sets it on the tapes the boy was holding. Winking as she moves around the counter again as she moves to the computer already pulling up Eddie's account. "Ok hand them over." She hums as the boy does reluctantly. Steve looks at them before either of the two can stop him.
"Oh! Isn't this the movie you forced me to watch Robin?" He asks still not caught up with the situation that was happening in front of him. Robin makes a show of slapping her forehead.
"Yeah, you dingus. Now, will you go wipe the jelly off your face before I smack it off?" She says in a playful tone and the boy groans after looking at his reflection moving to the back room. Eddie's honestly going to have a heart attack. He moves a hand over his chest just to make sure if it did beat out of his chest he would catch it. Then the realization starts to hit him as he moves closer to the girl with a confused expression.
"Steve Harrington actually watched a gay movie and liked it?" He asks confused and very surprised. Every time he thought he knew something about the other, something would happen and everything would flip upside down and he's lost again.
Robin looks at him with a little bit of amusement. "Yeah, he did. Though we both prefer fast times or any David Bowie movie." She hums as Eddie catches onto her hints. He nods his head as he doesn't say anything else both of them letting the conversation die. What else were they both supposed to do? Though before he's able to say anything else he hears a loud crash from outside. Jumping a little he turns his head to see a group of people surrounding his van. Taking baseball bats to it and someone's even taking spray paint, writing something not nice onto it. His eyes go wide when he realizes that if they see him he was most likely free game.
He's not the only one to realize this, Robin does to. The other watches all of this too for a few seconds longer before she's quickly tugging the other to the back room. He's stumbling as he takes the movies in his hands after she forced them there. Poor Steve is sitting at the small table in the corner finishing his sandwich and looking very startled about Eddie being back there. Just looking at the Metalhead he could see he was close to some form of a panic attack.
"Steve you need to get Eddie out of here while I call the police. The whole town is destroying his van as we speak and I don't know how many of them have seen him come in here." She rambles out. Steve goes a little pale before he's dropping his sandwich and quickly moving to the back door. Eddie's like a rag doll moving from Robins's hand to Steve's who's now dragging him in the back parking lot shoving him in the back of his car. All of this is starting to become a blur for him as he just does whatever is asked of him.
"Make sure not to poke your head up above the window." He says quickly as Eddie nods his head and curls up into a ball in the backseat breathing heavily trying to calm himself down. He was very overwhelmed and close to a breakdown. Steve's in the driver's seat and they are moving away from the store and away from the public. He's swallowing down fear as he lets Steve take him somewhere safe. He's having horrible flashbacks to when he was on the run and he's not enjoying them one bit. Though he's so completely unaware of his surroundings and lost in his head he doesn't even realize that Steve's now in the back with him forcing his yellow sweater over his head to cover his clothing.
Hopefully, no one would think it was him. It wasn't much of disguise, but hopefully it would work in their favor. Everyone wouldn't be expecting Eddie Munson to be wearing a bright yellow sweater. He then moves to grab one of his old baseball caps and forces it onto the others head. After taking the other in one more time he pulls the other out of his car and into his house. Everything was happening so fast that Eddie wasn't really able to process everything that was happening. All he knew was that he was being shoved down onto a couch with a equally freaked out Steve who's moving back to his door to lock it.
#this is a old fanfic that I started to pick up#I’m writing it along with my bang fic#I love hurt and angst#it’s currently almost 2 am#why am I like this#you can also read it on Ao3 lmao#it’s also on wattpad#Steve and Eddie are close to my heart#Steve would need to make the other smile#Dustin is a little asshat but I’m starting to come up storylines for that#I wrote this pre part 2#stranger things#steddie#steve x eddie#eddie munson#steve harrington#bxb#eddie and steve#god i’m in love with this#this is going to be angst
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I was *not* longing, I swear.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#wen ning#If you have not listened to this scene in the audio drama I am *pleading* for you to#It's so funny. Oh my god the voice actors nail the part. Plus the music cutting out abruptly#Genuinely incredible comedic timing.#WWX voice: 'I was almost caught having an (unidentifiable ) emotion. How embarrassing. It will never happen again.' (lie)#wwx has unlocked: aesthetic attraction. He is now starting to develop emotional attachment.#This is a incompatible program with the current version of WWX. He requires an additional update#Please note that the actual countdown is *eight* seconds before passing out. My memory was fallible when I did my blocking#pd-mdzs lwj gets an extra 2 seconds. One for each bunny ear.#This comic kicked my ass a little. Normally I don't re-do comics unless its pertinent#but I struggled with getting this one 'just right enough'. And I'm happy with it! B*)
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TW: FAST MOVEMENT!!
#eddsworld#eddsworld tom#ew tom#tom shat his pants#eddsworld fanart#eddsworld angst#tom ew#tom eddsworld#its a little vent ig#its currently 4 am and a half#i haven't slept normally in like almost 2 months now#insomnia really be kicking me in the spot#ignore if u want#idc idm#i just wanted to let it out my system
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of all the star wars movies, which of them do y'all 1) enjoy the most 2) consider the best quality and 3) think you've rewatched the most. add your answers in the reblogs or replies, i'm genuinely curious how much of an overlap there is within everyone's three answers. mine don't overlap at all! they're revenge of the sith, empire strikes back, and the force awakens :^)
#len speaks#star wars#revenge of the sith#empire strikes back#the force awakens#not tagging more films than that bc i cant b bothered. incoming tag ramble ahead bc i have sw brainrot rn and im making it everyones prob❤️#i rlly struggled 2 remember if id watched tfa or aotc more. i went w/ tfa bc it was formative to me as a teen and ive seen it probably 6ish#times? whereas aotc was the first sw movie i remember (specifically the scene of obiwan serving c*nt in the bar lmao) but i've only seen it#for sure 4.5 and maybe 5.5 times. the .5 is from when i got bored after obi-wan's scene ended and ran off to go play in the mud or smthn 😭#i'm sure tfa will eventually get surpassed in number of rewatches by aotc and rots bc i don't fw the direction of the ST but that's my#current ballpark estimate of my total number of rewatches#as an adult tho if i just wanna watch a star war i'll go with aotc bc it's fun and ends semihappily and i can turn my brain off for the#spinny lightsabers. it's great background noise or for if you're sick or whatever. rots on the other hand? i won't talk through that unless#i'm quoting it with my brother and i am LOCKED IN 100% entirely entranced by it all#i almost picked rogue one for the best quality answer but i think the character writing is weaker and the facial cgi is creepy. esb beats#it by a hair imho bc of that. the vader hallway scene goes hard tho!!!#also i'm not covering shows or games or books or anything else in this post - simply the films. might ask abt shows later but that might#also give me hives bc so many of the shows suck ass and i don't rlly want ppl extolling the virtues of t.bb in my notes 💀#and yes i do think one's enjoyment and one's opinion of quality are two things that often overlap. but sometimes you just like something#bad and that's awesome. like rots is the best of the prequels by a large margin and i adore the opening and characters and many of the#scenes but that doesn't mean it's the best star wars has to offer ykwim? it's my specialest most favoritest sw movie but that doesn't blind#me to the dialogue lmfaooo
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I think there’s something wrong with me
#yakuza#like a dragon#like a dragon infinite wealth#eiji mitamura#coda’s sona#my art#y8 spoilers#maybe. idk ive always thought he looks like a guy with repressed anger#also um. about the second one…. i want him to tell me that 👉👈#also thats me choking him btw bc i wna beat him up so bad#fun fact. im currently commissioning 2 ppl to draw me beating him up#okay its almost 6 am i should sleep aobehwhqdwjsbdh
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You have been sending a lot more i.n lately is there a new bias wrecker 🧐
since I've never claimed a bias, how could I have a bias wrecker
#if youre like 'But all your posts and behaviours' all i can say is: i never grew out of my behavioral issues#and denying what seems to be obvious is always a fun time for meeeeee#bc being contrary is fun to meeeee- im a changeable person too so i almost never have favorites- not colours or foods or movies#but also after a cursory glance at my old blog and this one it seems like ive made about 100 innie gifsets or edits in the past year#so like. ive always been jeonging#not as obvious as my channery or my seungmining or my leeknowing but its legitimate in its own right#and thats without mentioning my side blogs i e changbin seource *please tag me in your binnie posts btw#im not monogamous is what this post means i gave genuine affection for all 8 lmao#HAVE#not gave#same with dynamics like sure i got ones that stick out to me more but i enjoy all of them#same things happening with nmixx currently#like first i was only lilying and then i was haewonning but bae kept being tall and now ive watched more im like oh no...#theyre all my pretty lil princesses.... lol#respect to the ppl who have only room for 1 or 2 but its not meeee#ask#actually i lied im not changeable im actually super consistent but i still dont like picking favourites lol#.... although adding that tag. maybe i am changeable#what i am not though? on my adhd medication 😂#what i am? making another jeongin set#long post#apologies to everyone who doesnt have collapse post on#its friday im allowed to be crazy and tangenting on friday
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he doesn't even like purple all that much :/
#simblr#ts4#ts4 cas#my sims#show us your sims#cas err#err#sym ribes (he)#(( snap 📸 he ))#if you know who his fictional counterpart is no you dont (he will get very upset if he gets recognized fhsasjkfha)#anywayyyy long time no cas post! its currently almost 2 am. collapses and falls over and-
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Something that will not leave my mind is the idea that Striker has a gold tooth because he belonged to someone at one point. If it's true that Angel Dust has his because it's to match the branding of Val, who's to say Striker didn't get the same treatment from a similar situation? Not to say he was sexually abused or anything but just the general idea that he used to BE a royal pet- that and the conversation he butts into between Blitz and Fizz feels very... Vindictive. Like he's talking from some kind of personal experience himself. I just wonder if he didn't escape a scenario where he was being treated like dogwater; maybe even killed whoever he was under
Just shower thoughts because he has way too many quirks. Someone did SOMETHING to rattle the snake. He could always just have the gold tooth because it looks cool and fits his motif. He is a bit of a self centered kinda bastard- I wouldn't be surprised. Still, from what I understand about gold teeth, unless it's fake, either he got it removed just to look cool, or someone took it out for him. By force. And I want to know why.
#helluva boss striker#babble#this has been in my head for fucking weeks im sure someone else has thought of this but like. knowing Viv#i think too hard about characters and how they behave.#also currently almost 2 am haha
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I have only two possible emotional responses to feeling really safe and warm talking with a new person:
1) Withdrawing from them almost instantly and rarely responding, even if against my wish or control, because of reflexive fear of attachment since usually everyone I felt safe with blocked me out of blue and revealed that all along I was giving them """red flags""" I didn't even know existed
2) Somehow not falling for withdrawing reflexively, but in turn the value of everyone else I know that does NOT make me feel safe (so, 95% of the people) sinks in my perception and now I have to struggle against a very strong wish to abandon everyone except The Person. Why waste time on anyone less than this?
#/vent#personal#lol I am so traumatized it is almost comedic xD#the hardest thing about paranoia is how everyone WILL take it personally!#'kat but how could you think I'd ever hurt you maliciously and intentionally after everything?'#dude it isn't personal#it is that every time I trusted someone in the end turned out I should not have#and they *all* seemed and acted like decent and compassionate people..#currently I am struggling with number 2 from the list.#tempted to softblock and cut off a lot of people because why? if new friend likes me?#and what stops me is knowing that when this new friend betrays me I'll NEED to fall back-#-on some people again.#I learned to be able to tell when things are too good to be true by now#if I feel safe with someone it is just a trick to leave me vulnerable.. it's all anyone wants of me
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chapter one of the strawberries are dying , my byler 1930s au, is now up!
The year is 1933.
At the height of the stock market crash, the Wheelers are the richest family in Roane County and in need of domestic servants to fulfill their estate's needs. In a bout of desperation, they end up hiring the Byers family, much to everyone’s (except Nancy’s, who has a crush on Jonathan) chagrin.
However, in the midst of it all, two outcasted young boys from completely different lives find a light in each other. And—slowly—their lives begin to intertwine to the point of no return.
please please PLEASE check this out i am working very hard on it :)))))
#yeah um. i am going insane actually#hi guys. it's currently almost 2 am but im scheduling this post for like 9 am probably#anyways#kisses smooch smooch#stranger things#byler#byler fics#byler fanfic#mike wheeler#will byers#ao3#📝#st.txt
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tbh the reason i even still go to uni is cuz the government pays me a lot of grant money and the disability pay is not enough to live on
#well it is technically for me cuz i got so so lucky with the place i am renting but i do not currently have a lease here so. could end#but yeah like i never meet anyone i want to befriend and it takes up so much of my time and i am constantly#not very intellectually stimulated bc i am still doing lower level classes cuz i can only handle 1-2 classes a semester#i only take 2 cuz that gives me more money but i am almost always bombing one of them#cant see myself being able to do a research job with my inability to send emails and shit
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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just had the wildest night ever.truly.
#so I’m currently at a place I am typically not.for abt a week.for Reasons.anyways there was a party 2night n I figured I would go for the#Funsies. Bc of reasons almost everyone there was lds so I didn’t expect many beautiful queer folks but I still fagged it up justtt in case#so I’m dressed up doc martens and heart shaped glasses ready to just kinda vibe when suddenly and without warning not 1 not 2 not 3 BUT 4#GUYS COME UP AND ASKTO DANCE WITH ME ?!? HUHH??!??..#one of them is also fruity but the rest where typical Mormon guys they did not see my flagging. Wild and insane.#AND THE GUY.THE FRUITY ONE.hes so sweet but he’s such a flirt and I Don’t Know How 2 Respond.oughrr..#anyways that’s enough of oversharing on tumblr dot com.👍👍#a ghosts rambles
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babygirl !!!
#bdoubleo100#bdubs#hermitcraft#smileymothart#the shiniest eyes and also lipstick because why not#working on semester stuff all day just to reward myself w a bdub drawing <3 worth it#may look wonky bc it is currently almost 4am and ive been working on and off since like 4pm... finished schoolwork at like ... 2? 1?#i got 4 things done today and i still have 6 to go and these are ones that need more time and labor i am going to explode
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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end
#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask#december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery#and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc#and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh#every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night#oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes#and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester#and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu#oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well#and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also#pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc#so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal#honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know#like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc#but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated#also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm#is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is#incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship#so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year#at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately#i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new#my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper#and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been#like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare#idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling#and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa
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want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length#but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this#middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl#i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know#how short that is. it might not look good so i worry#the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this#i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day#tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will#be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden#iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason#i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again#idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier#buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything#and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first#correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs#i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again#i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything#i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all#i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces#in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed#i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not#i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on
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