#it’s been since 4th grade that I’ve read this | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

eugenedebs1920 · 17 days ago

Text

I’ve been a political junkie since before I could vote. I remember, I was in 3rd or 4th grade, listening to the radio when my mom was driving me somewhere. A news brief comes on and it’s about George H.W. Bush and Desert Storm. When the segment ended I said, “George bush sucks!” My mom got mad at me, not because of the statement, but because of the word suck, saying, “where did you learn that word Eugene?! Do you even know what suck means?” Honestly I really didn’t, but I knew it was an insult.

I have never! Not once, bailed on my civic duty to vote since turning 18. Presidential election, midterm election, special election, local. If I was given the opportunity to voice my opinion, I was about it.

I’ve always stayed pretty informed. Sometimes, like the current moment, far too much. The whole process fascinates me. Both the campaigning and the idea behind a representative , democratic election. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wearing a light up, goofy hat. Although I did attend a Democratic National Convention once. Not the convention itself but I saw Rage Against the Machine perform for my second time, and the DNC time was free!

My first election I voted for Al Gore. I liked him. I thought he was smart. I liked his stance on the environment. I liked that he had the experience under Clinton that he had. I will also tell you, I didn’t then, nor have I ever, repped hats, or shirts, or flags of ANY president or presidential candidate. A pin or two the day I received em, or on my backpack maybe. Never though have I walked around with my political affiliation, or my affliction to a politician on full display. There were times when it wasn’t hard to tell with long hair, patchwork pants, big beard but.

That’s what has me so perplexed, not the hair and beard thing, but the devotion. I don’t get it. It would be different if it was, I don’t know, not Donald Trump! I mean, who really is that guy?

I saw him on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, a couple times as a kid, thought he seemed smug even then, I missed the whole Apprentice thing, didn’t even own a tv during that time. Was too busy living life. Is that where this follow derives from? I never saw one episode. I heard it wasn’t that good, nor did it have that high of ratings.

He isn’t a very elegant speaker. Go read a quote of his. When he says it, it kinda makes sense, but when you read one, it’s nothing. He says a bunch of words but he doesn’t say anything. It’s actually embarrassing that Trump quotes will forever be part of American history. Here’s an example from a rally when talking about Kamala Harris “back home to mommy. And she goes back home to mommy. ‘Was that you darlling?’ And then she gets the hell knocked out of her. Her mothers a big fan of ours. You know that, right? Her father, her mother. No, you always have that.” Mind you a couple things here. Right before this little snippet I clipped, he was talking about California and “whether you’re a Democrat, Republican, or independent this election is your chance to send a message”. Directly before, the next words are the mommy thing. It doesn’t piece together at all! Also. Kamala’s mom passed away quite a while ago from cancer. What is he even talking about!?

Now compare that to an Obama quote from 2004. “Yet even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. Well, I say to them tonight, there's not a liberal America and a conservative America - there's the United States of America. There's not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there's the United States of America. The pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats.”

See. It’s coherent, it has a driven message, it’s passionate. I can get behind that. Not talks about Hannibal Lecter, and electric boats. I don’t get it.

Moving forward.

Let’s talk about his presidency. What bills did he pass? There’s the massive corporate and wealthy tax cut that did very little for 98% of Americans. What else? Anybody? “Well, he built the wall and Mexico payed for it” that is false. There have been small sections built, but scattered, not even one long area. He increased the national debt by over $7.5 trillion. His policies, or lack there of with Covid caused hundreds of thousands of avoidable deaths. Those stimulus checks to keep Americans afloat are the cause of the inflation that we just now got back to normal. When he had to “print” money to give us so we could survive, the value of the dollar went down because there was more capital with no transaction, so with less value the dollar represents, the more things cost in relation to it. Economics is some weird, complicated, almost dogmatic stuff, but it kinda makes sense.

Then there’s the whole not accepting the election results thing. I’ve written and talked about over and over again. It’s exhausting! This is BY FAR the worst thing potentially ANYONE has done to America. More so than the 9/11 terror attacks, Pearl Harbor, Boston marathon, that’s a bold statement. Yet, through his narcissism not allowing him to concede to defeat, and claiming the election was rigged, it is an immensely damaging assault on the very foundation of this whole American democratic experiment. His words have sown doubt into the fabric of democracy with his baseless lies. He absolutely had the right to contest the results, do investigations, recounts, audits, and file suit with the evidence he had supporting his claims. The thing is, he had no evidence, there was no proof of any fraud because, there was none. Thats the end of the behavior that was acceptable. When all those court cases were dismissed for lack of evidence, that should have been it, but no.

All the tweets, all the interviews, all the scheming and plotting, after the court cases and recounts and whatnot, that’s sedition! Thats purposely conspiring against the United States. He knowingly pushed false information to Americans, who believed their commander in chief, and perpetrated the worst assault on our nation’s capital since the Civil War. Thats treason!!

The fact that that wasn’t the end is flabbergasting! The fact he is still in the public eye, let alone running for the seat he so immensely betrayed blows my f*cking mind!!

I don’t care about party affiliation, first and foremost we are Americans. First and foremost our allegiance is to the constitution. First and foremost we abide by the law. This sycophantic groveling to this guy is disgusting! It’s saddening. It’s unamerican.

This upcoming election will, and is saying a lot about us as Americans. The outcome will reflect who we are. I’m not sure I can say with confidence what that is. In the words of 4th grade Eugene, It sucks.

75 notes · View notes

dancingtotuyo · 4 months ago

Text

Scathed 10 (Javier Peña)

Rating: Mature

Warnings: anxiety, trauma, self worth, smoking, references to the drug war and colombia, Narcos season 3 spoilers

Notes: Thank you @janaispunk for always beta reading for me. I love you!

Words: 3956

Series Master List | Author Master List

Journal Entry September 4th, 1994 Dear Javi,

So it’s been a month since you left. I’m trying not to be hurt by the lack of communication. Dad said you’re alive. The reports out of Colombia sound like you’re doing well even. I know you called your dad. He mentioned it at Ale’s riding lesson.

School is kicking my ass. Passing the GED and actually going to class is a huge fucking difference. For the most part, I’ve managed the social situations fine. Classes are small, I can sit in the back. People don’t notice the old lady in the back. I’m pretty sure I’m only retaining a quarter of what I need to. I’m on too high of alert. I knew it would be hard, but it feels like my anxiety has gotten worse again. I feel like I’m moving backward.

Standing outside the Embassy, Javier lit a cigarette. The habit had returned in full as he fought to manage the stress of the day and ghosts of the night. He’d managed to keep his bed empty and his ashtray full. It felt like the better option of the two.

He still hadn’t called home. His voicemail still held last week’s message from Alejandra. He fought with himself every night. The push and the pull to talk to Emily, but every night ended the same, drowning in smoke and whiskey. He wasn’t clean enough to have her or the kids. It was better this way.

He felt useless down here. What good was the DEA if they weren’t going to actually do any enforcing. He and the whole agency were just expensive window dressing here to make it look like everything was above board, to get the DEA stamp of approval on this surrender deal. Javier hated it all.

“Can I get one of those?” A woman appeared next to him, her dirty blond curls threaded with the soft grays and white of aging. Javier offered one up in a silence. “I quit four months ago.” She smiled before bringing it to her lips.

Javier cocked his head to the side, still assessing her motives. He hadn’t seen her around before. She wanted something, Javier just couldn’t decide what. He lit the cigarette for her as they both took a drag, sizing one another up as they did.

He briefly wondered if her hair style was what Emily had in mind when she mentioned cutting it shorter. He still preferred the idea of her long curls. His chest tightened. Not that he had any right to a say in that.

The woman squared up to him. “Carolina Alvarez, El Tiempo.” She held out her hand.

Just what he needed, the press. He let her hand hang in the air just long enough to make her feel uneasy before taking it with an admittedly poor handshake. As he suspected, it didn’t take long for her to launch into whatever introduction she had planned, pulling up his history with Los Pepes and the current politics happening with Cali’s plea deal.

It was a power play. Javier refused to let her win. “You can call the press office if you want a comment, Miss Alvarez.”

“Carolina, please,” she said.

In another life, Javier wouldn’t give her the time of day. Of course, he didn’t have to deal with the press last time. That had been above his pay grade. He tossed the cigarette butt to the ground, stomping it out with his foot. Of course, he didn’t have to deal with her now. That was what the press office was for. “Have a nice day.” He turned, started to walk away.

“Have you heard much about the Cali accident?” she asked. His steps slowed down. He turned back around. “Four more people dead. Children. Dozens more sick.” She stepped toward him. “An empty chlorine gas canister was found nearby.”

Javier kept his face straight. His shoulders tensed. He’d seen the initial report, but hadn’t thought too much about it.

Caroline continued, taking his silence for permission. “There’s a rumor its manufacturer is linked to a front company operated by the Cali Cartel.”

“It’s like you said, it was an accident,” Javier said, expression etched in stone, not giving anything away.

Carolina let out a humorless chuckle. “By the end of the day it will be. No matter what the truth is.” She met his eye, giving it a second for emphasis before lapsing into Spanish. “Thank you for the cigarette.”

She walked away, leaving Javier in the same place, same expression on his face. He fought against his surging emotions. He wasn’t going to let some journalist use him to do her research. Even so, it nagged on him throughout the day. He found himself taking extra smoke breaks.

When he found himself watching the evening news, the investigator calling it an accident, caused by a natural gas leak, Javier felt anger surge through him. How many families had to be torn apart to protect these men? Innocent children had died. Mothers had children to bury. That wasn’t right. That wasn’t justice.

Pictures flashed across the screen, the children killed by the exposure. He’d seen children die before. He’d watched a man he respected shoot a teenager in the head as a warning. He’d held a gun to a kid. Those incidents had messed with his head enough, but these kids were in their homes, tucked into their beds. They were supposed to be safe. How many times had Javier watched as Emily ushered her children to bed, kissed their heads, and trusted that they'd be safe in their bed. That they would wake up.

Javier was never good at guessing the ages of kids, but each face that flashes across the screen seems to remind him of them. Miguelito. Alejandra. Mateo. Children he’d grown to know, to love even…

This wasn’t right. Cali didn’t get to get away with it. Not this time. He shut the TV off, walking over to Chris Feistl’s desk. He leaned against the wall. “You got a partner, right?”

Chris looked up at him, confused and a little shocked. “Uh, yeah. Kinda.”

Maybe it could be different this time. Maybe he could still bring justice.

“Good, you’re going to Cali.” He walked away before Feistl could respond.

This time would be different.

Journal Entry September 18th, 1994 Dear Javi,

It hurts not to hear from you. Dad said all reports from Colombia have been good. I’m sure you’re getting restless.

I had a panic attack in class this week. I had to leave ten minutes into the class. I hadn’t had one since Escobar was killed. That’s the longest I’d been without one since I came home. I was starting to think maybe I’d never have one again.

I feel… disappointed.

Javier met Carolina at a cafe. She gave him information about Cali's money launderer, Franklin Jurado. She pushed him in a way he needed just as she had in their first meeting. It seemed weird that perhaps his moral compass would come in the form of a nosy journalist.

“Are you going to take these men on or what?” she asked.

Javier let out a quick breath, formulating his answer very carefully. “I’m going to do my job.”

“And your bosses?” Her gaze was piercing, like she was trying to see his soul or haunt his dreams until the job was done. “Do they know what you’re doing?”

His eyes drifted to his coffee. “No comment,” he said, putting the cup to his lips, pinning her with a soft glare he was sure she saw right through.

She called him with the address an hour after he left.

Javier didn’t have to sit long before Franklin appeared on the steps, bags in tow. He was going somewhere, but where was the question. A driver appeared, helping the man with his bags and once they were packed, a woman walked toward him. Javier watched from his SUV as Franklin took her hand. She didn’t look happy to be saying goodbye, and then he held her tight.

A pang shot through Javier’s chest as the blonde woman folded into her husband’s arms. She didn’t want him to go, but she was there to say goodbye anyway. An image of Emily flashed through his mind. The night before he left, she hadn’t cried, but he saw it in her eyes, felt it in the way she hugged him. He wondered if his coldness had made her cry since that night. This was better for her. She would be better off without him. He let out a sigh as he turned the ignition to follow Franklin’s, cutting off the thought before it wracked his body with guilt.

After following Jurado to the airport, Javier headed for his own flight to follow him. Stechner blocked it, pulling him into the jungle with a couple of senators to rub elbows, to take him out like a show pony, the man who brought down Escobar, except he wasn’t even in the country when that happened. Everyone seems to ignore that part.

He seethed on the helicopter ride in, feigning a broken headset to avoid talking. There were plenty of other places Javier would rather be, anywhere else really. He was supposed to be taking down Cali, despite what his orders were. Hell, he’d rather run for his life through the communas again than take a couple of stuffy senators on a stroll through the jungle.

Humidity hung heavy in the air as sweat soaked his shirt. He was used to the weather, but in dress shoes and slacks it was hell. To make it all worse, it was apparent from the get go that it was a set up, a fancy, high tailed lie to raise support for whatever the CIA was gunning for, fighting communists or whatever. Javier found the whole pursuit to be a gigantic waste of time. He’d smuggled a communist out of the country once, he’d do it again without a second thought, but one thing became abundantly clear. Cali’s surrender had nothing to do with the war on drugs and everything to do with fundraising.

Javier’s blood boiled the entire ride home, replaying his conversation with Stechner. The way the CIA agent had laughed about the drug war as if it was a joke. Maybe it was, but Javier wasn’t ready to let this one go.

“The drug war? We lost it. You were there!”

It echoed on a fucking loop, driving him crazy as he made his way back home. There weren’t enough cigarettes in the world to numb the blows and they kept coming.

“Did you ever stop to think that someone who takes this as personally as you do, is doing it wrong?”

He stubbed out the bud against his truck door as he got out, marching up the steps as he knocked on the door.

This was personal. He couldn’t go home empty handed. He couldn’t face her without knowing he’d made an impact on this fight, brought down men like the one who’d inflicted such scars on her.

Colonel Martinez opened the door, breaking Javier from his thoughts. He looked surprised to see him.

Javier cut to the chase. “Want to go after Gilberto Rodriguez?”

Journal Entry October 2nd, 1994 Javi,

Where the fuck are you? It feels like my best friend abandoned me. You abandoned me.

The day they arrested Gilberto Rodriguez, Javier went through the wringer, the emotional ups and downs. The DEA was excited. The bullpen had given him a round of applause, wanted to toast him. He didn’t like that. The ambassador had torn him a new one. Javier wasn’t a fan of that either. A meeting of high ranking Colombian officials with the American representatives showed the scope. Some felt this gave them more leverage while others feared it would make things worse, but the president ordered that Gilberto go through the same process as any other citizen. Javier considered that a win. He didn’t take pleasure in the press conference.

By the time he made it back to the office, he had a killer headache, but it was thankfully empty by then. Javier pulled out the whiskey and the cigarettes. He didn’t necessarily feel happy, but he felt as if he’d done something finally.

Javier didn’t stop to celebrate or rest. He turned focus right back to Franklin Jurado, refocusing his attention on the launderer, but not before stopping to put a big, red X through Gilberto’s picture. That brought him a moment of happiness, but he paused to wonder.

He wondered if she had heard the news, seen the press conference. Did Emily know how much of a driving force she was to him? How much he wanted to clear the earth of every single cartel and drug boss, to make her feel safe again. For a second, he contemplated calling her. Could he know? Had he atoned enough? He shook his head at the thought, gripping the marker tightly in his hand. He would never atone enough.

“This is Peña. Leave a message.” BEEP

“Mr. Javi. It’s me. Alejandrina.”

“I’m here too!” Mateo’s voice called out, sounding more distant than his sister’s.

“Miguelito is here too. Mom is working in the yard.”

“You shouldn’t be doing this!” Miguelito said. “Grandpa is going to see it on the phone bill.”

“You never called me back.” Alejandra continued. “I saw you on the news in grandpa’s office. He didn’t know I saw. It sounded like you caught the bad guys. Can you come home now?”

“There’s more than one bad guy.” Miguelito reminded her.

Alejandra sighed frustratedly as she went off in Spanish at her older brother. There was static on the receiver and then Mateo started talking as his older siblings fought in the background.

“Mr. Javi. Stay safe. We love you. Bye.” The machine clicked off.

Javier spent the next week in meetings getting berated or praised for the DEA’s actions, but mostly the berated. The doubt crept in at times. Maybe he should have left well enough alone, but it never stayed for long. He’d done the right thing. He was certain of that.

Neil spent most of his time listening to the Jurado tapes in search of a location of Franklin. Nothing was turning up yet, but he still held out hope. Each conversation Franklin and his wife had tugged on something in Javier’s heart. Maybe it was the way she begged him to turn himself in, her worry, the anxiety.

Even as he sat at the end of the bar, eyes pinned to Christina Jurado, Javier felt the guilt ebbing at him. Last year, he wouldn’t have thought twice about using Christina’s situation to get the information. It was easy enough, buy her a drink, pull out the charm, trick her into telling him where Franklin was. So why did he feel so damn bad about it? Why could he only picture Emily in the same position?

Her situation had been nothing like this. They were two separate people in two separate realities. So why was he struggling with this? Why couldn’t he separate the two women? He should call her.

Javier shook his head, waving the bartender over. He ordered a drink for Christina, clearing his head and dusting off the charm as he waited for the drink to be delivered.

She looked annoyed at first, but the moment his English caught her ears, he watched her entire demeanor change. Javier knew he had it in the bag, but it didn’t feel as good as it used to. And then the words slipped out, almost like his mouth had a mind of its own.

“You reminded me of someone. Someone from home.”

She liked that line, but he wanted to shower the moment he said it. What right did he have to utter even her existence in this place? None, but he’d done it anyway. Further evidence that he’d done the right thing by not calling her.

Even through the guilt gnawing at him, Javier played the dutiful flirt. Almost lost himself in it, almost dared to enjoy it.

“So what could pull him away from-” He looked her up and down. “From all this.”

The words repeated in his mind. What could pull him away from her? In both cases the answer was the same. The Drug War. This all powerful thing that had left him battered and bruised yet kept drawing him back in.

Christina paused, gave him another once over and then slid from her seat. “Say hi to Texas for me.”

Javi gave her credit, she was committed to her husband, or maybe his flirting skills weren’t as good as they used to be, either way, it was plan B. He called out the name she’d never told him, told her who he was, and she all but spit in his face.

When Javier showed up at her front door later that day, she didn’t turn him away. He may not have learned where Franklin was, but she gave him the time of day. She listened. She all but told him she would try to convince her husband to turn himself in. She couldn’t look at him, didn’t look at him as he set his card on the coffee table, a far away look in her eyes, no doubt replaying the past, just like Emily when- Javier cut the thought off. This wasn’t her. This was different.

He reasoned that he was doing this to help Christina, to keep her safe, but he knew that wasn’t true, his own selfish motives landing in the forefront of his mind. It was for the greater good, but how many people had he harmed for the greater good?

Before he left, Javier vowed to keep Christina out of harm’s way. It was the least he could do. This time would be different.

It worked. Christina called Franklin almost as soon as he left. By the grace of god, the tap caught the man thanking someone in the language, specific enough to track him down to Curaçao.

Before the night was over, Javier sat at the airport bar tapping his fingers against the smooth surface. He still couldn’t shake the feeling, the deceit of it all. He was caught off guard when his SAT phone rang. He answered, keeping an eye out at the bar around him.

“Peña,” He answered, taking a sip of his whiskey.

“Uh, it’s me… Christina Jurado.”

“I’m glad you called… You okay?”

“Please don’t lie to me,” Christina said. She sounded nervous, worried. “If I do this- if I get my husband to- you can protect us? We can go home?”

Javier’s chest tightened. He finished off his drink. “You have my word.” But he didn’t know how much his word carried these days.

She hesitated before answering. “I talked to him.”

“You did? That’s good.”

“He’s gonna cooperate.”

“He said that?” Javier picked up his duffel bag.

“No, not yet- but he will. I just… I need a little time.”

“That’s fine.” Javier walked down the terminal. “You take all the time you need.”

He hung up without another exchange, just before his flight was announced over the intercom. Internally, he repeated his early promise. He’d keep her safe.

Journal Entry October 15th, 1994

I dropped my classes today. I haven’t been able to make it to class. I thought I could do it. You thought I could do it…

Javier had almost forgotten the adrenaline rush of chasing down the bad guys. The hunt for Gilberto had been one thing, but the thrill of actually chasing someone down, weaving through the crowds, finally getting him. It felt good. It felt like a win when even his wins felt like losses these days.

In all of Javier’s days in law enforcement, he’d never had someone ask about their wife. Never had anyone worried for anyone’s safety but their own, and he assured Franklin that she would meet them in Miami.

Javier couldn’t help but admire the Jurado’s commitment to one another. For one, it made it a lot easier to get his witness, yet there was something about them. Tangled up in this mess, but still committed, still loving each other.

As they landed, his phone rang again. Christina called him, freaking out about the men at her apartment. He had to tell her they’d arrested him. She reacted as he expected, upset and anxious, and surprisingly, his guilt had subsided. Maybe it was because they had Franklin. Maybe it was because he knew if she could get herself to the embassy, she would be safe. He’d done it. He’d brought Franklin in, and he hadn’t destroyed a family in the process. She just needed to get herself a couple miles before they found out Franklin was in custody.

“Christina, you want it, this is it.” He cut off her rambling firmly. “As soon as we hang up the phone, you get yourself to the American embassy. You don’t talk to anyone. You don’t call anyone. You get yourself there.”

He caught the whispers of her agreement before the line went dead.

He paused a second after the call ended, staring at the keypad. Maybe it was the American soil. Maybe it was the fact that he was actually starting to feel good about this. He thought about calling for real, so close to punching the numbers he had memorized. Then he was reminded that he was on the tarmac. The job wasn’t done, but afterward, maybe he would call her. Except, Christina never made it to the embassy.

An envelope with Emily’s handwriting greeted Javier when he got back to his apartment in Colombia. The return address confirmed it as he stared at it in the dim light of his apartment, rereading the address like he might catch a clue to its contents in the ink strokes. He debated opening it. The kids’ secret phone call to him from a couple weeks ago, the only message that accompanied Emily’s on his answering machine, ran through his mind.

It was too late for this. It had been a long couple of days. The guilt that had returned tenfold since he left Miami without calling Emily, with Christina’s whereabouts unknown, but he ripped the seal open anyway.

It was likely Emily ripping him apart, angry with him for abandoning her. Even the kids’ voicemail hadn’t been enough to make him call. He didn’t deserve them. Any of them. He was better off out of their lives.

He rubbed his forehead as he unfolded the paper, but it wasn’t words that greeted him, but bright colors and advanced stick figures drawn in crayon, five people. He furrowed his brow, looking back at the envelope. In the corner was Alejandra’s name atop the return address. In the picture, two adults, three kids, and a couple of horses all smiled back at him. He couldn’t help his own smile that ghosted his lips. Paz and Hurricane. His heart clenched. He hoped that Ale was still taking lessons at the ranch, and the boys practicing with the lasso. Alejandra had written their names above each person.

He’d been a dick. Hadn’t returned calls like he said he would, promised he would, but Ale still wanted him to have this, Emily still sent it. She didn’t have to. She could have lied and thrown it in the trash instead.

Javier cleared his throat as the page began to blur a little bit. He needed to go to sleep. He grabbed the maintenance magnet, using it to pin the drawing to his fridge.

This time would be different.

...........................................................

Taglist: @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @burntheedges @southernbe @fanyyoouu @greengirlwurld

@mysterious-moonstruck-musings @weho2kcmo

#scathed (javier peña)#javier peña x ofc #javier peña #javier peña fanfiction #narcos #pedro pascal fanfiction #ppcu fanfiction #pedrostories #pedro stories

60 notes · View notes

nyaagolor · 2 months ago

Note

wanted to send u a message not on anon because i'm not a coward: i've been following you since i think your 4th episode read? you are incredibly insightful!! i love living through other people's first reads of umi! thank you keep on going drawing butchler, it's honestly what we lesbos need 🙏

WAHHH THANK YOU OP!!!!! Ryukishi is really really good at making me feel like a grade A dumbass so for a while i was very nervous about all the analysis posts I was writing bc I thought they were too surface level QuQ

also do not worry Butchler is here to stay. I’ve decided it’s canon in my heart

#umineko #battler ushiromiya #butchler #mod vex #vex art #ask

31 notes · View notes

beemoon17 · 18 days ago

Text

Just want to write a bit about my experience with the whole starting testosterone process in PA. I have had a really great experience and I really hope this can help other trans people to feel more confident going into this process.

I’ve been out since I was in 4th grade and this year I started the process to go on t. I made an appointment with my regular doctor, just a “well checkup” and spoke to her about my desire to start testosterone. She was incredible, no invasive questions, she was respectful of my desires, spoke to me about some options she was aware of and recognized that she didn’t known enough. I went home, she did her research, and she made me a referral to a gender clinic near me within the week.

My mom called the gender clinic for me, they put me into their system and said I’d get a call within 2 weeks to schedule a therapy appointment. The therapist would be the one to give me a referral to the medical doctor at their clinic. They called us back within 2 days NOT weeks. And much to my joy and disbelief there wasn’t the wait list I expected. My appointment with the therapist was going to be the very next week.

Today I went to the therapist. She was the most queer informed cis het individual I have ever met. She was understanding of and knowledgable about not just the medical and psychological side of being trans and queer, but also of the culture and media. She didn’t make judgements of my competency based off of my past mental health experiences or my autism. It was the first time I ever felt understood by or seen by a therapist or health professional. She was non-invasive, her questions were respectful, her understanding of gender and transition as existing outside of just a “hatred” for one’s body and as a range of experiences in and outside the binary was beautiful. At the end of the appointment after speaking to me and my mom she had decided to give me the go ahead for the medical doctor in order to receive testosterone. Once again I was surprised: I had faced no ignorance from the therapist, there weren’t a million more appointments for me to attend, or months of begging for something I have clearly and consistently wanted for years of my life.

When I went to the front desk to make the appointment I once again expected some disappointment or an obstacle. Perhaps a months or even a year long wait to see the medical doctor, after all everything had gone so well so far, surely there would be an obstacle here. But no, my appointment was scheduled for the 4th of this upcoming month, 12 days from today. Not even 2 weeks. On that day I will more likely than not receive my prescription for my testosterone.

I am so full of joy and hope with this experience. For the first time in my life I feel like my future is real, like my life will be fully mine. I feel confident and full of anticipation for the future. And I’m so touched by the understanding and support from the medical professionals I’ve worked with to get to this point, who have worked so hard to be understanding and inclusive and kind. I understand my privilege here, I’ve read the horror stories, I know how so many people struggle, and I feel deeply in my heart for everyone in our community who has been met with barriers and ignorance and fear in their journeys to medically transition. But I hope that my story can spread some joy and hope for others, and maybe alleviate some fear for some. Sometimes, as rare as it is, we do get breaks, things do get to be easy and kind for us, and with the way things have gone in this country the last several years I’ve needed proof of that so much more than ever.

I’m looking forward to sharing more of my journey with medically transitioning! I’m happy to answer any questions about the process to getting there, what my therapy session looked like, and going forward about the physical and mental changes testosterone causes!

#trans hrt #ftm hrt #hrt #hormone replacement therapy #trans masc #transgender #trans man #trans ftm #trans pride #transmasc #trans boy #trans love #trans joy #ftm trans #queer community

20 notes · View notes

ofstoriesandstardust · 10 months ago

Text

miss americana & the heartbreak prince (b.r.b.)

note: if this fic looks familiar to you... well, that's because it's been here before. and the response was less than kind but i've cleaned a house a bit since then so it's coming back. remember that this fic is told with intertwining timelines and if you have something mean to say you'll get blocked. enjoy the read (or re-read!) :)

summary: The year Bradley left and the year he returned.

same mistakes

warnings: swearing, alcohol mentions, my general same mistakes warnings

word count: 4.9k

“It’s been a long time coming/it’s me and you”

You slip out into the warm September air from Sarah’s car.

“Bye! Have a good-”

The door shuts as you tug your bag higher on to your shoulder. You take a deep breath, beginning the walk down the stairs to the courtyard.

Almost immediately, the whispers begin.

“Did you hear-”

“Bradshaw won’t speak to her anymore-”

“Feel kind of bad-”

“How could she-”

“I hear her Dad put her into therapy-”

“Heard she kinda lost it-”

“Bradshaw is better off-”

You squeeze your eyes shut, willing to block the words out.

They didn’t know a single thing about you nor your family. They just knew what Bradley had reveled in telling them, with no care to the fact that you had to come back to this place.

You feel someone watching you, causing your eyes to fly open. Across the hall is Sienna and Ben, Matt and Madison, Andrew joining them from around the corner. And there, at the head of the group, is Paige.

Just a year younger than her older brother Lucas, Paige was someone who had spent so much time in your house. Where Bradley went, Lucas followed, and where Lucas went, so did Paige.

While Lucas graduated the year before with Bradley, you and Paige were in the same class together, had been since their family, also Navy, relocated to the Miramar base in the 4th grade.

Paige, who’d sworn she'd be caught dead before hanging out with the likes of Sienna and Ben, after you’d caught Ben cheating on you with the girl who was supposed to be your best friend just less than six months prior.

The bell ringing, signaling the need to head for your homeroom, does nothing to alleviate the weight of the year that you know is in front of you.

Bradley squeezes your hand as you walk up the steps of the house (read: mansion) April had rented for her birthday.

“You excited?”

You shrug, stepping closer to Bradley as an ocean breeze blows through.

“Are you?”

He nods. “It’ll be fucking amazing to see everyone. It’s been a few years since the whole group has been together. I mean I’ve seen Lucas and Paige any time we’re all in town, and Morgan has finally re-located back here, but I haven’t seen Andrew in like six or seven years.”

You swallow, feeling your nerves grow as you walk up the stone steps.

It felt like you were walking towards the death sentence of your relationship, uncertain about what (or rather, who) you would face on the other side of that heavy oak door.

Bradley rings the doorbell as he says, “Actually, Andrew texted me to ask if I was bringing you.”

Your stomach drops as you hear movement on the other side of the door. “Why?”

He shrugs. “The dude’s always been nosy. I think-”

You never know what Bradley is going to say as the front door opens, revealing a grinning April.

“Bradshaw!” She shouts, pulling him into a hug. “I’m so glad you could make it.”

“Happy to be here.” He says, words muffled into the girl’s shoulder. She lets him go, her smile equally as blinding when she sees you.

“You actually brought your girlfriend. Was starting to think you were hiding mini Mitchell away from us.”

She pulls you into a hug of her own, but it’s not fast enough, you catching Jameson Hall over her shoulder as he pokes his head around the wall to see who’s arrived.

You don’t miss the way his eyes widen and the way he chokes on his drink.

“Maybe you should join the cross-country team, I know tryouts are this Tuesday.” Ice says nonchalantly over dinner.

You raise an eyebrow. “Why?”

He shrugs. “It’ll be good for you to get out of the house, focusing on other… things.”

He says things in such a way that you know really means Bradley but no one was really willing to discuss his absence, not since that last night at Ice and Sarah’s.

“Plus, didn’t you get into running after seeing that grief counselor?”

Your Dad had put you and Bradley both into grief counseling when Carole passed in the spring, but you’d only gone for three sessions before seeing the old dude with an office that smelled like fish and a receding hairline had gotten to be too irritating as he tried to tell you how you were supposed to feel.

The only thing that had come out of the sessions was the suggestion of picking up an activity that allowed you to decompress and focus on other things. And you leaned into running, something that Slider teased you for doing willingly.

They didn’t need to know that every time you went a run, you went running to see if this would be the time you’d run so far you never came back.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Thanks for inviting us, April.” Bradley says, the girl shutting the door behind you as the two of you step into the foyer.

“Of course, I’m happy you guys came. You guys are earlier than the rest, you know how it is. Angelina and Jameson are in the living room-” She pauses as you both see the ill-hidden twitch of Bradley's lips. She holds up a hand, cutting off whatever he’s going to say. “Save it, Bradshaw. I already know.”

He shrugs. “Good.”

“Anyways, they’re in the living room and Alex is in the kitchen. Morgan and Paige are out by the pool, and Lucas and Andrew are on their way. I invited Ben and Sienna as well-”

Now, it’s your turn to raise any eyebrow. “April, that’s not funny.”

She gives you a weird look. “I wasn’t kidding, I-”

You sigh, letting Bradley’s hand fall. “I need alcohol if I’m gonna deal with the two of them.”

“Oh, c’mon, it was like two decades ago-”

“April.” Bradley says sternly as you turn, walking through the door next to you, avoiding the living room.

It takes you a few minutes to find the kitchen in the house, Alex perking up when you do.

“Hey mini Mitchell-”

“Why the hell did April invite Ben and Sienna?”

The question is rhetorical as you wrench the fridge door open, but Alex sighs. “Because my little sister has always cared more about being liked than being a decent friend. Hey, I hear you and Bradshaw are finally together. Congrats, that’s a long time coming.”

“Shut up Alex.” You mumble, popping the can open.

Your skin is sticky with sweat, but even that can’t stop the little skip in your step as you fish through your bag for your car keys.

You weren’t sure why you’d ended up trying out for the cross-country team like Ice had suggested, but it had felt so good to hear that you’d made the team.

Sure, they kind of accepted everyone who could run a decent mile pace but you aren’t sure that really mattered to you.

You finally had something that was yours.

Someone calls your name and you turn, catching sight of Morgan, the captain of the cross-country team for the last three years.

She offers you a beaming smile, tossing her bag into the back of the truck. “Congrats on making the team.”

You run her smile, feeling your cheeks go a little warm. “Thanks.”

She nods. “I’m glad you tried out. We don’t get a lot of upper-classmen trying out and I bet it can be kind of intimidating trying out for the team as a senior.”

You shrug. “Well, my godfather kind of suggested it. He thinks I need an activity, so…”

Her eyes are filled with mirth as she lets out a little laugh. “Makes sense. Say, uh, the other seniors and I are going to get ice cream. Would you want to join us?”

You begin to rock back and forth on your heels. “I don’t know…” You trail off, unsure if the invitation was genuine or a nicety.

Morgan was a leader as much as she was kind, why she had earned the role of Captain as a sophomore. She’d never let anyone feel unwelcome or excluded.

She shrugs. “It’s up to you, but we’d love to have you. If not, you should at least join us at the team barbeque at my house this weekend.”

You swallow. Dad was all about you making new friends and Sarah was always encouraging you to give people a shot so- what did you have to lose?

“Yeah, why not? My homework can wait a few more hours.”

You can hear people filling up the house as you stand in the kitchen, avoiding leaving and seeing people you’d rather not.

“Hey.” Alex whispers, glancing back out towards the source of the sound. “Now, you didn’t hear this from me, but Jameson filed for divorce last weekend. They haven’t told anyone yet.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Wait, why?”

Alex drops his voice even lower. “Apparently, Angelina slept with one of the Chippendales dancers on a trip to Vegas a few months ago. Jameson just found out.” Your eyes widen at the information and Alex nods. “Yeah, sometimes how we get them is how we lose them. C’mon, let’s go join the group.”

You follow Alex, despite the fact that you’re still reeling. “How am I supposed to pretend to be normal?”

He shrugs. “Just play along.”

The two of you don’t get very far before you’re intercepted by someone who looks oddly familiar to you, Bradley at her shoulder.

You blink.

“Senior night is tonight?” Your Dad asks as you step off the last step. You wince, turning to face him, the letterman jacket you’d be instructed to wear suddenly feeling too heavy.

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? This is so exciting-”

“I didn’t think you’d have time to go.”

He deflates at the flat tone in your voice, the paper crinkling in his fingers. “Well, I’d- I’d like to go if you want me there.”

“If you want.”

“Are- are you leaving right now?”

You nod, feeling the keys grow sweaty in your hand as you stare at your Dad, who seems to be growing smaller.

“Yeah. The meet is at 4, senior celebration at 6.”

“Well, I- uh, why don’t I meet you down at the school?”

“Sure Dad.”

“Hey!” The girl says brightly.

“Hi?”

A soft smile plays on her face. “You don’t remember me, do you?”

Bradley sighs, taking your hand. He intertwines your fingers, the rough calluses of his palm comforting you as he does. “You remember Janie, yeah?”

Alex lets out a laugh and an “Oh shit.” from his place next to you, lifting his hand to try and hide it.

“Have you ever thought about minding your own business Alex?” Janie asks, a smile still on her face.

“Have you ever known me to?” He shoots back. “But, alas,” he sighs, “I have enough respect for these two to start now.”

Alex disappears into the crowd, as Bradley’s grip on your hand tightens.

“I was just telling Bradley how happy it made me to hear that the two of you were finally together.”

Janie and Bradley had started dating just weeks before Carole had shared her diagnosis with the two of you. She’d tried to see him through it, coming to the hospital and cooking and getting his missing homework assignments, but after months of things getting worse with no end in sight, she’d broken up with him.

In hindsight, Bradley hadn’t even been all that sad, saying it was a mutual decision, that he needed to focus on his Mom before he could focus on a girlfriend.

“I always kind of hoped, you know, that after Brad and I broke up, that the two of you would figure things out. I always knew you liked him.”

You swallow. “Janie-”

“No, no, it’s okay!” She exclaims, waving a hand. “Really. Even then, I knew, and honestly, I was okay with it. The two of you were meant for each other. It wouldn’t have been right if it had been me and Bradley who’d ended up together. It was always meant to be the two of you. ‘Bout broke my heart when I heard the two of you weren’t speaking to each other.”

“Thank you, Janie.” You tell her honestly. “That’s- that’s incredibly kind of you to say.”

“Well, I mean every word of it.”

“Yo, Bradshaw!” Someone shouts and all three of you turn to the sound of voices entering the crowded living room.

Bradley’s face lights up, his hand leaving yours as he goes to hug the man. “Andrew!”

“God, you’d think they were dating.” You mutter into your drink, earning a chuckle from Janie.

You and your Dad walk in silence out to your separate vehicles. Any conversation he’d tried to start after the meet had been ignored, you desperate just to get home after seeing who’d be in the crowd tonight.

Why couldn’t they all just fucking leave you alone? You hadn’t done anything, not to them, not to Bradley. They didn’t even like cross-country-

“Hey.” Morgan calls, followed by the sound of a car door opening. “Mitchell.”

You swallow as you turn, gripping your track bag.

“Hi Morgan.”

She watches you with guarded eyes, leaning up against the side of her truck. “You know, when you tried out for the team, I wasn’t sure what to expect. You know, Bradshaw didn’t have a whole lot of nice things to say about you, so I’m pleasantly surprised by how you’ve done this season.”

Your eyebrows furrow as you take a step closer. “You know Bradley? I didn’t know that.”

She nods. “Friends since freshman year.”

Horror dawns on you as your stomach drops. “And you ran to him the minute I joined the team. Everything that I’ve told you this season, everything I’ve confided in you this season as my friend, you turned around and told him?”

As Morgan more or less confirms your words, it feels like the bottom is falling out on your life. You swallow down the nausea rising in your throat, the burning feeling making it all worse.

“Why would you do that? Why would you do that to me?”

“Oh, mini Mitchell.” Andrew sighs, from behind you. “Always with that victim complex of yours.”

“So is it true?” Andrew says with a grin as he pulls away, leaving his hands on Bradley’s shoulders.

“Is what true?”

“You and mini Mitchell, man! Did the two of you finally make it happen?”

Bradley chuckles as he nods. “Yeah, yeah, she came with me tonight.” He takes a few steps back, nodding to you as he does. Andrew’s face lights up, hand outstretched as he does.

“Mini Mitchell! How’ve you been?” Your eyes flicker down to his hand and back up to his face.

“You really expect me to shake your hand, Andrew? Really, after everything?”

His face falls, confusion taking over. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I remember the last thing you had to say to me not being very kind.”

“Damn, it’s been like twenty years, can you not let that shit go? You hold a grudge as bad as Bradshaw. Then again, he’s fucking you, so I can kinda see why he let that go.”

Your eyes narrow as they shoot over to Jameson.

Why in the world was he choosing to get involved?

“Jameson, isn’t your wife cheating on you?” You ask, tilting your head. He falls silent, shrinking back into the couch. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.”

You turn, spotting Andrew leaned up against his car. His trunk is open, where Ben and Sienna are sat, Paige next to them. Lucas is leaned up against the opposite side of the car.

You shake your head, tears pricking at your eyes. “I’m being ambushed in the parking lot of my own senior night.” You say miserably, throwing your hands up in the air.

“Bradley has had one hell of a lot to say about you.” Lucas comments, folding his arms.

“You guys used to be my friends.”

“Kind of hard to be friends with someone as awful as you.” Paige responds. You can do nothing but look at them, tears already trickling down your face.

This felt like betrayal in the worst way.

And it was all Bradley’s fault.

“Look, the bottom line here, mini Mitchell, is that you’re just a bitch. You’ve done the worst things you could do to someone and you’ve never once taken accountability or responsibility for what you’ve done to him. You’ve never once apologized and you just expect us to let that all go?” Andrew heaves a dramatic sigh, pushing himself off his car. “Then again, everyone has always liked him more than we liked you. You’re like a leech we can’t get rid of. Life-sucking.”

Your feet move before you give them permission, turning as your Dad calls out. Your tears are burning, same as your chest, as you slam your car door shut, throwing your bag into the back with little care as a sob bubbles out.

“Whoa, the tension is high in here.” Ben jokes.

Your throat grows tight at the sandy-haired boy, the shiny ring on Sienna’s finger. Bradley steps back, pressing a hand to your shoulder.

April huffs. “This is what I get for having friends who can hold a grudge like nobody’s business.”

Sienna laughs lightly, moving to give the girl a hug. The tightness in your throat blossoms into your chest as Sienna’s vision pivots to you.

She says your name softly, offering you a smile. “Would it be wrong to give you a hug?”

“Twenty years no apology from you and you want a hug.”

Your voice crackles somewhere along the way as you cross your arms, hoping to protect yourself from her.

“Don’t tell me you're still mad about that.” Ben says.

“How could I not be? My best friend fucked my boyfriend while one of the people who raised me was lying in a hospital bed dying of cancer.”

“Well, if you aren’t gonna put out sweetheart, you shouldn’t be surprised I found it somewhere else.”

Your body fully recoils at Ben’s words, disgust ripping through you.

“Fuck you. You have no idea what I’ve been through, how badly what you did fucked me up. I did not deserve that.” You say emphatically, tears tracking down your face. You wipe at them to little avail, before straightening up. “Fuck this, I’m a fucking one percent Navy pilot, I don’t deserve this-”

“I mean, don’t you?”

It all goes silent in the room as everyone looks at Paige.

“I mean, it’s not exactly like the Navy’s fond of you. There’s a reason why your old team hated you so.” She says, a coy smile playing on her lips. “There’s a reason why that all played out the way it did. You’re no victim in all this, sweetheart.”

“Paige, shut up.” Bradley’s words are sharp. “Don’t you dare talk about her like that. You know nothing.”

She smirks. “I’d bargain I know a hell of a lot more than you do. And I’m sure that we’ll be able to talk about all of that, when you realize what the rest of us do that this won’t last-”

“Okay, wait, that’s enough-” April intervenes, but it’s too late, you already shouldering past the people in the house.

You’re trying to gulp for air when you finally make it outside, fighting off the sobs.

Bradley’s only a few steps behind you, offering hurried apologies. You shake your head, desperately swallowing around the lump in your throat.

“Please just take me home Bradley.”

You’re unable to stop the flow of tears as you dial the number scrawled out in Ice’s handwriting on the scrap piece of paper.

Ice had tracked down a number for “emergency purposes” though you aren't sure how. Still, now though, it didn’t matter as you sink to the floor of Ice’s study, unable to take it anymore.

You hear the line come alive and a muffled, groggy “Hello?”, a voice you never thought you’d hear again.

“Bradley.” You whimper. “I want you to come home. Please come home. I don’t want to fight any more. No one is gonna win here. Please, please, please God, please just come home.”

You hiccup as your sobs catch up to you and you think you can hear him let out a breath from the other side.

“Please B, I’m so sorry for whatever it is I did, please you have to believe me. Plea-”

The line goes dead.

“Why are you people always in my house?”

Fanboy turns, grinning at you as he clutches the spatula. Bob is next to him, stirring something on the stove. Your eyes flash over to Javy, who’s sitting at the kitchen table.

“You know when I gave you a key, this is not what I intended.”

“We’re making you breakfast, at least try to be grateful.”

You roll your eyes, giving him a look before joining him at the kitchen table.

“So how was the party last night?” Bob asks, wiping his hands on a dish towel.

You make a displeased sound in your throat, shaking your head. “Awful.”

“What happened?”

“Just… stupid shit. A bunch of kids from my high school were there, including these two Navy brats I grew up with and one of them said something kind of fucked.”

“What’d they say?” Bob asks curiously.

“Just something to the extent that I deserved what I got from my old team.”

Bob shakes his head while Fanboy pulls a face.

“Where do you keep finding these people?” Javy asks incredulously.

“They’re Bradley’s friends.” You say with a shrug, watching Bob and Fanboy turning back to the stove.

You realize belatedly they’re making eggs benedict, a favorite of yours.

“What did they say?” Javy asks, his voice a little lower.

You shake your head, signaling to him that you don’t want to talk about it. You chew your lip for a few minutes before you lower your voice, watching Bob and Fanboy carefully.

“I did some digging last night on the girl who said that, where she’d been stationed where she might have heard about that.” Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Javy nod, showing you that he’s listening. “Her brother has always worked as an engineer, followed in their Dad’s footsteps, but she went a different route and worked in communications.” You swallow, looking at Javy. “She was there, on that aircraft carrier when we went down. She knew what they did.” You all but whisper as the pieces fall into place on his face. “It’s all still following me.”

The dinky little cell he’d gotten when moved out to UVA buzzed against his cheek. He blinks a few times, barely lifting his head up from the pillow to glance at the screen.

He didn’t recognize the number, but he knew the 619 area code meant it was a San Diego number.

He felt a tug in his gut against his better judgment and answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Bradley.” She whimpers. “I want you to come home. Please come home. I don’t want to fight any more. No one is gonna win here. Please, please, please God, please just come home.”

Please don’t cry, he thinks. Please don’t cry, because if you cry, I’ll cry-

She hiccups from the other line and his chest begins to ache.

He lets out a breath, mind whirring as he searches for something to say to her to make it all better.

“Please B, I’m so sorry for whatever it is I did, please you have to believe me. Plea-”

And then he remembers.

His fingers move before his heart realizes it, ending the call.

The screen goes dark as he slumps back against his pillows.

You hear the Bronco before you see it and you hear Bradley before you see him.

You’re standing in the kitchen, cleaning up the dishes from breakfast, the boys long gone.

You pause in your movements, as you wait for Bradley to say something, but he doesn’t.

“B?” You toss out cautiously, setting the soapy sponge down. “Is that you?”

He appears in the kitchen a moment later, looking haggard, though you can’t say that you probably fare much better at the moment.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispers hoarsely. “So sorry.”

Your eyebrows furrow as you wipe your hands off on a dishtowel, walking over to him.

“What? What are you sorry for?”

“I’m sorry that I hung up on you that night. You were in so much pain and I- I had no idea how awful they were to you. I had no idea what they had been saying and- and- and- here you were asking for help and I just ignored you. I was being selfish and I-”

“Bradley.” You whisper, reaching out for him. “What- Where is any of this even coming from? I’m not angry at you for that any more, you know that.”

“But I’m angry at me. And you should be too. What I did was fucked up and you just forgave me-”

“I did not forgive you overnight, you know that.” Your eyes search his, finally deciding to take his hand and intertwine your fingers. “B, I’m- I’m kind of lost. Where is any of this coming from?”

He heaves, his chest shuddering. “April called me this morning. Apologized profusely for how last night went, that she knew better than to stick you in that room with those people, that she should’ve known how badly they hurt you. But I didn’t- I didn’t know about them-” His breath keeps catching on his words and your concern grows. “I didn’t know about them showing up at your senior night.” He finally lets out in a hushed whisper. “I didn’t know.”

Your face falls as you squeeze his hand. “Let’s- let’s go sit on the couch.”

Bradley nods and you follow him out to the living room. He wipes at his eyes before sitting on the couch, you following behind him.

“I didn’t know what Andrew said. I had no idea they’d shown up there to taunt you. I- I- I- never would have let them get away with saying it.”

“They weren’t the only ones saying it.” You whisper. “Bradley, they just repeated what the whole school was.”

“And it was all my fault-”

“Bradley.” You say sternly. “I’m not going to sit here and say you don’t carry some responsibility in how it all played out. But I forgave you for all that. Neither of us were kind to each other in those years, you have to know that. I carry just as much responsibility as you do. And you’ve apologized, recognized that you hurt me. I’m not mad anymore.”

“So you can forgive me, but not them?”

“For the record, none of them except Morgan has ever offered me an apology. So I don’t know why I'd forgive them for things they aren't sorry for. Second of all, they have done and said things to me that you would never dream of doing and that’s what sets you apart. And yeah, maybe they’re right that I do know how to hold a grudge. I know that I hold what Ben and Sienna did to me a little too close to my heart, that them turning their backs on me cut deep. But I don’t hold that against you.”

Your fingers rest in Bradley’s curls as he sniffs. “I should’ve been there-”

“You’re here now. That’s what matters to me.” You take his hand again with your free one, gently kissing his knuckles as you do so. “I love you.”

His eyes water before he swallows, his adam's apple bobbing. “I love you too.”

You smile softly at him, pressing another kiss to his hand. “I know.”

The two of you sit there for a few minutes before you sigh. “Fanboy and Bob broke into my house to make eggs benedict this morning and there’s some leftovers I just put in the fridge. I can warm you up some if you haven’t eaten yet-”

“I don’t want you to think that we aren’t going to last.”

You pause, halfway up from the couch. “What?”

“What Paige said last night. That they think we aren’t going to last. I don’t think that and I don’t want you to think that either.”

You falter, sitting back down on the couch. “I-”

“It was bullshit and it’s not what I believe. I want us to last, more than anything else in this whole world. I know it’s only been just over a year but-” Bradley takes a shuddering breath. You’re my best friend in the whole world. I want you as long as you want me here and I know we’ve had our shit over the last year, we’ve had our fights and our people from the past but I don’t care about any of that as long as it’s you and me.”

“It’s always gonna be you and me.” You pause before sighing dramatically. “Well, maybe you, me, and a dog. If that’s okay.”

The corners of his lips twitch upwards, giving you a ghost of a smile. “Perhaps.”

#bradley rooster bradshaw #bradley rooster bradshaw x reader #bradley rooster bradshaw fic #top gun: maverick #top gun: maverick fic #same mistakes

63 notes · View notes

kernyen-xo · 5 months ago

Text

Long time!

Firstly, how y’all been? I’ve been wandering in from time to time and reading some of your posts. I just haven’t felt like posting myself until now.

Here we go.

What In the World: I walked out of Daiso and almost gave this woman a heart attack trying to get into my parked vehicle. My first thought was why in the world was this lady sitting in my vehicle, and why in the world the driver’s seat of all things?! I mean, why not the passenger side or the backseat?? And, why won’t my key unlock the door!? And then, almost immediately, after trying to open the door a second time, I was like, “Hold on now.. Uh oh. Oh no, this isn’t my vehicle!” Holy hot pockets! I immediately backed away, put up my hands, and told her, “I’m sorry,” several times, and then said, “My mistake, wrong car.” She just stared at me through the closed window, scared shitless. In case she didn’t understand what I said, I stepped back and gave her a respectful bow, and then hurriedly got into my car, which was parked in the next row. I hoped that when she saw me drive away, she was able to put 2+2 together because we had the same vehicle (same make, model, and color). Needless to say the humiliation of it all stuck with me the remainder of the day. I am such a dweeb.

Houston, We have a Problem: Went to Houston last month for my niece’s wedding. I just want to say that I don’t get why Houston is the 4th most populous city in our nation. I mean, the weather. It is pretty miserable. It was super humid and most of us were bitten by these mutant mosquitoes! Every wedding event my niece had was outdoors or it didn’t have A/C. Like the inside pickleball courts. She had a farewell outdoor crawdad boil for her guests, and the wedding and reception were also outdoors. All the events were pretty much held in the Heights area, which despite the weather is a nice historical area. But, you know what? I was glad that I went to Houston because my niece had a great wedding. I loved catching up with my nieces and nephews! I loved the serve yourself margaritas machines! Great people and great food and drinks! The kid and I went to Tenfold, a popular coffee place where I had my first cold brew with lemonade. It was was delicious and refreshing. On another day, the kid and I walked to have breakfast at this cafe with a great vibe. Attached to it was an antique shop, which we perused after we ate. We also did some shopping at Rice Village. We wanted to visit San Antonio but our schedule couldn’t spare the time.

The Kid Jr: My granddaughter graduated from the 8th grade last week! I’m so proud of her. I gave her a Kindle, which I was pretty excited about because she’s starting to enjoy reading, something she didn’t like before.

Saying Good-bye: I also attended my aunt’s funeral last week. Out of 8 kids, it’s just my mom and Uncle Junior that remains. It seems like yesterday when my generation of cousins were kids and our parents were still young and getting into their own shenanigans. It was a sad and bittersweet day. There were a lot of relatives that I didn’t even know, all of them cousins.

Books: I splurged. I decided I needed to start building up my personal library. It’s been a while since I’ve bought an actual book. I have been reading on my kindle or listening to audiobooks from the library app, Libby. It was time to start reading from actual books and adding to my home library. I used to have over 1,000 books but I got rid of most of them because it was becoming too much to pack and move them - especially when I was moving about 3 times a year. But now I have my own home and I’m not planning to move - at least for 5 years.

So, let the book buying begin!

The current book:

If you love birds, you’ll enjoy this book. Amy Tan’s backyard is a bird’s paradise. In this world of birds, you’ll learn about their habits, heartbreak, wonderful curiosities about the whys and why nots of birds’ actions. A lot of times unexplained, but if you are an avid bird watcher like Amy, her reasonings as to why the out of ordinary behaviors were interesting and entertaining. You will enjoy her drawings too.

The Kid and Me: Here’s what we did at the wedding 😆

The beautiful bride and her groom:

(Houston, The Heights May 2024)

How can they look so good in the sticky weather?

The Kid takes a picture of Yours Truly: (Grass Valley, May 2024)

My Loves:

(Sac-Town May 2024)

This post has been brought to you by Toodles, Inc.

#this has been a kernyen update #20240617

46 notes · View notes

yangkitties · 1 year ago

Text

fall for me ✩ l.hs

pairing: lee heeseung x gn!reader || word count: 0.9k genre: fluff || warnings: blood mention (non-descriptive), swearing synopsis: and so you fell, literally and figuratively. all thanks to lee heeseung. note: we are back in business bae 💪 this ones a bit of an oldie but i like it + i've been in my hee feels off late >.< anyways i hope y'all enjoy reading it and as always, my ask box is open :]

'Hee. Do we HAVE to do this. You know what happened the last time don’t you!?' You pouted as you held hands with Heeseung, who just reassuringly chuckled at you instead of answering your question. You gently bumped into your best friend, indicating that you didn’t want your question to go unanswered.

'And by ‘the last time’, do you mean in 4th grade when I specifically told you that I wouldn’t be able to skateboard alongside you but you STILL trusted me and tried to skateboard anyway? And then you ended up falling on your sorry butt?' He teased you, earning him a raspberry blown in his face.

But you did trust him. You trusted him with your entire life right now, just like you did 7 years ago. You had been best friends with Lee Heeseung practically since forever. You trusted him with anything and everything.

Except for one fact. That fact that you were irreversibly in love with him.

As you both continued your way to the skate park, you wondered what would happen if you told him. But you didn’t have time for those thoughts when Heeseung tugged your head back to reality with a squeeze of your hand.

'Hey. I won’t let what happened the last time happen again okay? I’ve gotten so much better! You trust me, don’t you?' His bambi eyes sparkled as he puffed out his chest slightly, knowing it would make you laugh. You giggled, falling right into his tricks. 'Of course I do. Now let’s get skating!!!!'

Soon, you had mastered getting on the skateboard without falling off. Slowly, you learnt how to travel a a short distance without completely face planting on to the concrete. The catch was that you still couldn’t do it if you weren’t holding Heeseung’s hands. And holding his hands made you extra nervous.

You’d held his hands multiple times. And they always made you felt like you were floating on a cloud. They had always fit right into your hands, no matter how old you grew.

'Okay I think I can do it without holding your hands now.' You said as confidence crawled through you. 'You sure? Because if you fall, don’t yell at me..’ Heeseung was holding both your hands, rubbing thumbs over your knuckles. Just the little action sent a million shivers down your spine.

You took a deep breath, 'Yeah. I know if I fall you’ll catch me.' You smiled at him convincingly and started to skate.

You went an inch. 2 inches. 10 inches. An entire 2 feet. Heeseung jogged behind you the entire time, arms out awkwardly waiting to catch you. 'HEE!!! LOOK!!! I’m doing it!!!!' You yelled, giggling at your small victory.

And then it happened. The board bumped into a small rock, and it sent you flying backwards.

You closed your eyes, expecting the hard ground to hit you, to experience cold blood slip out of the back of your head. But it never came…

Instead you felt a pair of strong arms catch you. You opened your eyes, one at a time, only to be met with Heeseung’s deep brown ones, shining with worry.

You scrambled off the skateboard and tightly hugged Heeseung’s waist, attempting to ground yourself. Heeseung gently strokes your hair, resting his hands on your hips.

'So… I guess you fell for me huh?' Heeseung joked, trying to lighten the mood. Adrenaline coursing through your veins, you said the first thing that came to your mind. 'Yeah. I did.'

Heeseung froze. His hands stopped stroking your hair and his grip on your waist tightened. 'I… what did you say?'

'I said yes. I fell for you. I fell for your stupid smile, and your angelic voice, and your bambi eyes, and your soft laugh. I fell for you 3 years ago, when we watched The Little Mermaid and you sang your heart out to ‘Under the Sea’, and I knew then, that I never wanted to leave you. And I fell for you again, a year ago when you let ME decorate your precious skateboard that you don’t let anyone touch. I really really REALLY love you but I don’t want to loose you as a best friend. So tell me right now if you don’t love me back so I can hit you over your the head with the skateboard so you can forget this ever happened.' You spoke in one breath, words muffled as you still had your forehead pressed to Heeseung’s chest.

And then you felt vibrations across your head. He was laughing. You had just poured your heart out and he stood their, you in his arms, and he had the audacity to laugh.

Just as you were about to pull away and hit his head with the skateboard, Heeseung hugged you tighter. 'I’m not as good as you when it comes to confessions, but I love you too. You really think I would’ve let you decorate my skateboard if I didn’t love you, did you?'

He pulled you away from his chest, fingers curled beneath your chin. 'Can I kiss you?' His forehead rested against your while getting breathed out the 4 words you had dreamed about hearing countless times.

You wasted no time, quickly pressing your lips against. Just like your hands, they fit like puzzle pieces. Your fingers entwined themselves behind his neck as he pushed you down, deepening the kiss. They trailed up to his pretty pink hair, gently pulling at it to push him back up, noses bumping against each other.

You pulled apart, breathless.

'I fucking love you.'

©️ yangkitties 2023 do not copy, plagiarise, or repost

#enhypen #enhypen fluff #enhypen x reader #en-web #en web #lee heeseung #heeseung x reader #heeseung fluff #heesung x reader #lee heesung #🖋️: nyx.writes ━ enha ☆

86 notes · View notes

sadalmostlesbian · 3 days ago

Note

How did you get into thg?

I first got into THG when I was in 4th grade, but my obsession really started in 2022 when I read the books again, and read TBOSAS for the first time.

I made this Tumblr after the TBOSAS movie came out in 2023 because I was so so obsessed with Sejanus and was honestly a little irritated at his portrayal in the movie. And I’ve been here since!

7 notes · View notes

thislovintime · 8 months ago

Photo

Some more Ask Peter Tork selections...

"Hello Peter, OK, it's hard to actually type anything here, because it is hard to believe this could be you. Remember me, the crazy lady in the 4th row at the concert in NJ, in the 80's holding a big sign that read, ‘I LOVE PETER.’ Of course you couldn't have noticed with that huge crowd, but I do want to say; thanks for the FUN! My question to you now is, about today's young people, and their strong dependence on their parents. I've seen other people my age (54) going through the same thing, and wonder if our peace, rock & roll, drugs, drinking, and party days, have contributed to their actions and behaviors now. My 25 year old son still lives home; he has things like, a TV, cell phone, guitar, drums, and some other smaller instruments. He over the years, had thoughts of being a rock star, had and has, drug, and depression issues. And like many other young men, loves beer, concerts, parties, clothing, girls, and sports; all just the same. There is no real motivation for much else, hence the still living at home. At least after the 60's/70's hullabaloos, our generation eventually went to work, moved out, and learned to be independent. Unless maybe today, things (even music) are just so expensive, it seems un-comprehensible. Are we as parents giving up, giving material items, and giving in, not wanting to be the same as our own parents? Are we way too cool to be more aggressive in how we talk to them? Are we still living our own "Hippie" care free life through them? Also, have you yourself ever actually witnessed what I'm talking about? Oh yeah, one more thing, is it easier for some parents to be able to kick them out 'For their own good,' than other parents? Yours Truly, Shell New Jersey"

"Dear Shell, I remember you well. You were awfully cute there in the 4th row. But on to important matters. First of all, I'm pretty sure there is no blanket statement about your question that would cover the situation. For instance, of course some parents find it easier to kick out their kids than others. That's just natural. But as to the general average of kids today staying more with their parents than in days of yore, well, I partly blame those who let the economy go to hell in a hand basket...or perhaps actively took it there is a better description. It's tougher now than it used to be to find a job, and there is less of a spirit that finding one will give one a real chance to come up in the world. It's therefore understandable that 25-year-olds and some even well older would be discouraged, and have very little incentive to go forth and make their way. Still, I am pretty sure that wanting to work rather than lay about is a preference in human nature, as long as no major roadblocks stand in the way. As to whether it was our hippie lifestyle that led us to treat our kids in ways that made them lazy, well, I wouldn't know for sure. But I do know that every generation is formed by the previous generation's reactions to their parents' generation, etc., etc., since time immemorial. We did the best we could with what we had, and if we don't like what we see, I'm not sure we can do much for the next generation anymore. I believe that my kids appreciate that I am still working on my own life, and that gives them encouragement not to give up, whatever else they may think of me. I don't have much to say about the way they live their lives. Of course, they aren't encamped in my basement, either. Meanwhile, I counsel patience and love, of course. Best of luck, Peter" - Ask Peter Tork, July 2010

"Dear Peter, My name is Mary and I’m in tenth grade. I’ve been struggling recently because all of my friends and teachers think that I should have a 'direction' to my life. They tell me that I need to have my future planned out right now. What college am I going to? What career field will I try to get into? I don’t know how to answer any of their questions. Should I know what I want to do with my life even though I’m only fifteen? Thank you, Mary C."

"Dear Mary, 'Should'? I don’t know from should anymore. I once heard someone say 'Don’t "should" on yourself.' I eventually worked it out to where the word 'should' requires the phrase 'in order to.' You 'should' turn left here 'in order to' get to the grocery store. Like that. So, the question becomes, 'in order to'… what? Check out the letter and answer beforehand. Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? No? Well, perhaps a little investigation is in order. When you were little, what did you dream of becoming? Airline pilot? Doctor, nurse, veterinarian or horse trainer? Wonder Woman? Rock star? Newspaper reporter? Or did you imagine that a life of marriage and kids plus a bit of a trade as, say, a hair stylist was heaven on earth? Go back to your early daydreams and see whether any of them still holds a charge. Be careful here: if you don’t know instantly what your dreams were, then it’s possible that you were discouraged from holding on to them. If that’s true, then that discouragement will get in the way of your trying to access those dreams now. Be extremely gentle with yourself, even to the point of sickeningly coddling yourself (for a little while anyway, heheheh). If your childhood dream comes to the fore, you will have all you need to decide whether and where to go to college, or whatever else you may need. One note: it’s wonderful to decide to, say, become a musician, but if “famous musician” is your goal, you may be in for more trouble than you want. If you pursue your dream for what it gives you and let it take you where it will, you will have a pretty cool life almost no matter what. I’m really sure about this. Get back to me if it’s not working out. Best of luck, Peter" - Ask Peter Tork, July 2010

#Peter Tork #Tork quotes #long read #more for the solid Tork advice files #The Monkees #Monkees #<3 #can you queue it

22 notes · View notes

the-himawari · 1 year ago

Text

A3! Hyodo Kumon - Translation [SSR] Afterschool Time for Two (1/3)

*Please read disclaimer on blog

---

Kumon: It’s lunch! I’m starving!

Classmate A: The line to buy food is gonna be crazy if we don’t hurry.

Classmate B: Let’s get a move on.

Kumon: (Hehe. I brought a lunch, so I don’t have to buy one!) Alright, let’s quickly head to the courtyard as usual! (Ah. But Azami has gym class, doesn’t he? He might be running a little late then.)

-pause-

Cat: *Purr, purr*…

Azami: …

Kumon: (Huh? Azami’s already here.)

Azami: Pft. You’re quite a spoiled one.

Kumon: (Is he playing with that cat? I might disturb him~. But I also wanna eat lunch…) Hmm…

Cat: Meow~?

Kumon: Oh crap. He spotted me!

Azami: …Hey, what’re you lookin’ at?

Kumon: Ah, nothing. You were playing with the cat and all, so I figured I might disturb you guys. Ahaha!

Azami: —.

Kumon: Hey, hey, more importantly! Aren’t you here pretty early considering you had gym for 4th period?

Azami: Ah. I miraculously finished 5 minutes early.

Kumon: Seriously!? That's never happened to me in my 3 years here!

Azami: We’re just built differently.

Kumon: EHH!?

Azami: Anyways, how you do know I had gym? Did you ask someone?

Kumon: Huh? How, you ask… It’s ‘cause I was watching you from the window?

Azami: What the? During class?

Kumon: Yeah…

Azami: Were you skipping?

Kumon: No! I felt a bit sleepy during class, so I was just glancing outside for a moment to wake up!

Azami: *Sigh*… That’s why your tests are always sad.

Kumon: That’s not true! My teachers were surprised and they've been complimenting me lately since my grades have improved from before.

Azami: Really now?

Kumon: I guess it’s because I studied hard for my entrance exams~.

Azami: …

Kumon: What’s wrong?

Azami: Nothin’. I just realized you’re also takin’ your entrance exams.

Kumon: Mhm, that’s right. And I’ll teach you when it’s your time to take your entrance exams! I’m older than you, after all!

Azami: Um, hard pass.

Kumon: Hey now!!

Azami: Ow. Don’t hit me.

Kumon: Geez!

Cat: Meow.

Kumon: …Huh? By the way.

Azami: Hm?

Kumon: Isn’t this cat a new face around here?

Azami: Ah. Now that you mention it, I’ve never seen this one before. Cats always drops by whenever we eat here, but…

Kumon: Those are the cats that are named after everyone in Summer troupe. I know those kitties, but this one’s different.

Azami: So he’s a nameless newcomer?

Kumon: Aw, he came all the way here though! Let’s give him a name. Mmm, lemme think. Your name will be…

Azami: …

Kumon: AH!

Azami: ?

Kumon: I got it! This kitty’s name will be AZAMI!*

Azami: Ha? Why the hell?

Kumon: It works! Right, AZAMI~ ♪

AZAMI: Meow~.

Kumon: See? AZAMI likes his own name too!

Azami: *Sigh*… that’s confusing.

AZAMI: Meow!

Kumon: AH! AZAMI stole Azami’s onigiri!

Azami: Ah, oi!

Kumon: It’s AZAMI, not oi!

Azami: Dude…

AZAMI: Meow~.

Kumon: Uh oh. He got away.

Azami: Damn it… Geez, guess I’ll skip lunch?

Kumon: Now, now. I’ll give you half my lunch! Here!

---

*The cat's name is Azami, but written with hiragana (あざみ) as opposed to our Azami written in kanji (莇)

| next

#a3!#a3! translation #hyodo kumon #act! addict! actors!

44 notes · View notes

feministdragon · 6 months ago

Text

There’s a pair of kids i work with, a 5th grade boy and a 4th grade girl; they have been friends since childhood. I’ve been trying to gain their trust for awhile so the real work of self-development can begin, and today it seemed like things were going very smoothly, they were comfortable with me and we were joking around and having a good time. At one point we were reading a book with two characters, one is a boy and one is a girl, but since they’re animals it’s not very obvious. So it took them awhile before they realised, when in the middle of the book the pig is called ‘she’. Since the boy was reading the pig part, he immediately insisted they change parts (the elephant is a boy). I was like, “Boys and girls are both people, we’re all just people, what’s the difference? and he literally said: “Boys are gods, girls are people.”

I immediately lost interest in having any relationship with this person, who just said to my face that he’s superior to me. So I just gestured to them to keep reading the book, and took out my phone to read something else to calm down. I think he could tell he’d done violence to our relationship, because he suddenly started reading the book very violently, and started to order his friend around. Or maybe he felt he had to justify what he just said?

This is exactly why I only want to work with girls. Because I don’t want to deal with this bullshit. I don’t want to invest in these trash human beings who can’t even see other people as human.

My friends say, “Oh, but that’s why we need you! to help change these boys!”

And I’m like, oh, yeah, i see this kid once a week for two hours, that’s really going to make a difference when he is looking forward to being a god amongst his inferiors. fuck that, what the hell difference can I make? and why is it on me?

Honestly I don’t even know what I could have said to him, what teachable moment there was in that, when all I could do was see red at how casually he had labelled me as inferior to him.

#fucking men and their dipshit philosophy #feministdragon #radfem #radical feminism #feminist #women's liberation #human rights #radfems #women's rights #women's rights are human rights #separatism now #separatism #female separatism

9 notes · View notes

kangamommynow · 6 months ago

Text

It was

A day

My coteacher needed to film students perform their public service announcements as part of our unit on extreme weather. That meant she would be out of the room most of the day. We had planned to have them work on choices from a bingo board where each box was a specific task.

This works really well for a lot of students. It provides them with choices, some agency. Alas, some of our students don’t have the time management, impulse control, self awareness yet to handle this level of self-regulation. It was chaotic and used every ounce of my patience.

After school we met as a special ed team to look at class assignments for next year. As a half time teacher, I take what they give me. My options were 4K or the DLI group. 4K would be a huge shift for me, since I’ve worked with 4th-7th graders primarily. It is only a half day, though, so in some ways that makes sense. The DLI (dual-language immersion) group is kind of a mess. My caseload would be one kid at each grade level, which makes collaboration with other teachers really difficult, but scheduling kids wouldn’t be too bad. The kicker is that we have one student who has been all day with one teacher, needing intense supports. He doesn’t live in the district anymore, so we thought he’d be going to another school next year, but apparently not. He’d be on my caseload. How I provide him what he needs while meeting with other students is a mystery to me.

I am going to take a nap, read a book, veg out. I do not wish to make any decisions the rest of the day.

12 notes · View notes

chirpsythismorning · 2 years ago

Note

hi! i’ve been reading your analysis/theory posts and i love them all! i had a question about your will being twelve theory, i definitely see how he could be, the only thing i don’t really get is how he would be at the lab and have a life outside the lab? like mike said the first day of kindergarten will was on the swings by himself and they’ve been best friends ever since, and joyce talked about the crayons for his eigth birthday and how his friends all got him star wars toys, so we know he was friends with at least mike and lucas (i think dustin came in the 4th grade so it’s possible he was also friends with will at this point) and possibly other kids when he was younger, so how would he be able to have this whole life outside the lab while also being a kid at the lab?

Hey! I’m so glad you love reading them!! And also apologizes for taking so long to reply!

I don’t think, based on any fandom-wide consensus of the events on the show, as of now, that I'd be able to provide a definitive answer?

Like there has to be pieces missing, which have been left out for a reason, and those are the details that I think will be necessary to fully transcribe to this theory. Until then, there's too much missing for even me to believe it fully.

However, if twelvegate is real, or at least close to what’s going down, then even despite the entire audience missing it, I do think there are probably hints in the details connecting Will to Hawkins Lab, that were either missed or not pinpointed properly, which may or may not hold some answers.

I do have a of couple theories about where some pieces of the twelvegate puzzle might be hiding in earlier seasons. Although, I think beyond pointing them out and talking about them, it will only lead us to more questions!

TBH, most of this post will just be me trying to come up with some possibilities. While I don't fully believe all the observations I've came across are leading in every direction I speculate them to be, I do think the answers for the ending have to be in the show. There are only so many options to work with here... And so, whatever. I'm going for it.

To start things off, a wise man once said:

I always wondered if this could be a hint to the audience that the answers to some major questions are hidden in some sort of papers we've seen/heard of throughout the show? Newspapers, documents, drawings perhaps?

This then reminded me of the newspaper clipping(s) they showed at the end of s1 related to Will's disappearance:

Hawkins Lab Blocks Inquiry (left)

Coroner Arrested For Falsifying Autopsy (middle bottom)

More Heads Roll in Ongoing State Trooper Scandal (right)

The Boy Who Came Back To Life (middle)

The former missing child Will Byers has been found after a week of searching. He is presently in stable condition in Hawkins General Hospital. Byers' mother, Joyce Byers, alleges Will was the subject of a secret government program run by the Hawkins National Laboratory. The allegation comes amidst a massive investigation into the hidden organization and its elaborate experimentations in perusal of mind control. — The abuse detailed in the first report includes prolonged physical duress and psychological interrogation. This [gove]rnment sanctioned torture has [prov]oked outrage amongst the American . . . In a statement issued yesterday . . . Ives mentioned her "disgust" . . . the organization saying, "our own [Ame]rican people are being treated like . . . we should be directing our . . . to the real target, the Soviets, not . . . own daughters and sons." Under legal . . . Brenner has issued no comment on . . .

An article by that same title resurfaces in s2. However, it seems to have changed some of the details about what happened, in an update of sorts.

The Boy Who Came Back To Life (s2)

"In a recent statement, the state coroner's office has admitted to misidentifying the body recovered from the Sattler Quarry as twelve year old Will Byers. Will Byers had gone missing two days prior, inspiring the town of Hawkins to form a search party in the hopes of finding him. When a boy's body was recovered from Sattler Quarry, the case seemed solved. Six days later local police, lead by Chief Jim Hopper, found Byers alive in an abandoned cave a few miles outside of Hawkins."

Obviously, the update of this article had to do with the State coming in and covering things up.

I've read up on it, but all I can find from the ga's consensus back then, is there was some confusion over the fact that the article went from being about Will and his disappearance being connected to Hawkins lab and experimentation and mind control, only to switch in the next paragraph to Terry Ives report on Jane's abduction. A lot of people speculated that it was probably just a copy paste error, where like the Duffers were too lazy to put something relevant there, and so they slapped on a random paragraph and called it a day?

Now, to be real with you, even if the Duffers themselves said this was the case, that it was just an error on their part, I would not believe them...? Because rewatching that shot, you can tell it's important? Like what else is the point of it, if not to hint at something? And then why have it return in the following season (literally one episode later?), with an update, that clearly covers up most of the details, if there's no deeper reason behind it?

One thing from the s1 version that has me side eyeing is, 'our daughters and sons' (Willel s1 crumbs?).

I also find it interesting that they refer to the quarry as Sattler Quarry, twice? It doesn't seem that important on the surface, but from what I remember Sattler Quarry was really sort of sus in terms of what they were up to and the way they were talked about, in connection to Hawkins Lab and them scrambling to cover up Will's disappearance by planting a fake body there? Idk it just feels weird...

Which brings me to this next small detail I haven't heard anyone talk about before, but I have a feeling it could be part of this, or perhaps part of something that is still yet to be revealed.

The night they find Will's body, Karen and Ted are watching the news. We hear the reporter talking about Will's body being found at the quarry. Though the audio is loud enough to hear at the beginning, the newscast shifts to quiet background noice as Mike's parents begin talking.

White text is easy to hear/red text is a little difficult to hear:

"Byers' body was found in the water of this quarry by state police earlier this evening. He was discovered by state trooper David O'Bannon, just after dark. The state police are mounting an investigation to determine Byers' cause of death. But an initial inquiry... *few indistinct words* suggests that foul play was involved. Will Byers was a 7th grader at Hawkins Middle School. He was reported missing on Monday morning by his mother. Now, Byers isn't the first person to drown in Sattlers Quarry, if you'll recall, only 7 years ago--"

Now, I have tried and tried, but even still now, I cannot discern what was said after "But an initial inquiry...", because Ted interrupts and it muddles up his words with the reporter's, to the point where I can't discern it well enough. I think I hear the word media somewhere in there?

As far as I know, no one has talked about this, at least not enough for it to even be mentioned on the Stranger Things Wiki timeline.

I legit checked the timeline while making this post, hoping to find it, and hopefully anything else that might have occurred that year.

TW: byler

Okay. Cool. It appears, according to Wiki at least, nothing substantial happened in the year 1976, other than the fact that it was the year Mike and Will met on the swings in kindergarten. I assume that would've been in August/September of 1976? Then this drowning at Sattlers Quarry would've been on Nov. 7th, 1976, a few months later (and 7 years before Will's 'vanishing')?

I always thought it was interesting that they said kindergarten specifically. Like kindergarten? That's such a cliche in and of itself. But what if that was the point? To make it something we heard and then just went with, but in reality they're giving us a hint? (Will and Mike would've been five years old in 1976).

I do think that the mention of something happening, exactly 7 years prior, to the day...? Like that's really odd? Not only is it connected to Will because it's the day he went missing, but also... 'it was a seven'?

Though, I feel like if it had to do with Will specifically, they would have included that (which reminds me, if anyone can transcribe that indiscernible part of the newscast, LMK!)? Also if it was another child even, wouldn't they have mentioned that too? That seems like it would be an important detail?

But then the scene cuts off right there. Like the second the word 'ago' leaves the reporter's mouth, we're suddenly in Mike's basement (interesting...). And so, apparently they were willing to mention this anniversary like event, with the infamous number seven, only to cut it short without any further context for what actually happened 7 years prior?

I guess I would have to rewatch and pay attention to see if there are any other hints that could somehow relate to this occurrence that happened in 1976, but since like I said, no one's really talked about it (correct me if i'm wrong pls!), there isn't anywhere for me to really go from here in regards to that.

But it does make me wonder if this was one of the easter eggs David talked about being all the way back in s1, because like? I just really don't see a reason for it be there at all unless there was a reason?

Specifically in combination with Twelvegate it interests me because, Sattler Quarry was the place that Hawkins lab decided to put Will's fake body (why did they need to go all out in the first place in Will's case??).? Is it possible they were doing something there 7 years ago, related to the lab?

Like this does make me wonder about the whole Will created the upside down theory? I've read some crazy theories over the years about how a lot of what occurs with the supernatural happenings going on in Hawkins, aligns with Will and his emotions at times? For example, there's quite a few times Will sensed the mindflayer before/after something occurred, often related to Mike, and then we'd see Will touching his neck. But it wasn't always like that from what it seemed, and so I never really thought anything of it.

And then s4 happened, and this theory has sort of slowed down after it was 'confirmed' Henry got banished to the upside down by El after the massacre at Hawkins Lab, presumably encountering the mindflayer, before Will?

However, in combination with twelvegate and everything, what if Henry getting banished there also had to do with Will? Because I mean technically speaking, if Will is Twelve, that would mean he was right there in the rainbow room with El that day, only like a few feet away...

What if they were doing wonder-twin shit? Will creation powers combining with El's destruction powers?

It's still unknown why Henry would target Will in the first place, like could it be because it was all Will's creation to begin with?

This also reminded me of the constant imagery of Twelve playing with the red tower in the rainbow room. We see this repeatedly, like a lot. We even see El hung up a drawing of said tower in her room at the lab... Twelve building that red tower reminds me of Flayed Billy's 'we've been building it!'...

TBH I had no idea what the red tower in s4 could possibly mean up to this point. But in the context of Will being Twelve with creation powers, it makes a whole lot more sense. (Is the upside down stuck on the day Will entered it, because the creator showed up and now it's just stuck on create mode? LOL... Wait, but actually???).

I think the only way it would work, is if Will was a unique case, which obviously he would have to be if he created the upside down? Though I'm not so sure I think that Hawkins Lab knows this? Or maybe they do?

TBH I think it's a lot more likely Will has been able to predict some things, for example, Owens keeps talking about how this has been a long time coming, they've been preparing for this. And that took me back to s2 when Will was at Hawkins Lab talking about a storm...? Could that have been Will sensing what was still to come? And was Owens taking notes? Because in the past he had been able to predict some things based on what he saw/how he captures what he sees in his drawings?

I mean Owens was literally rewatching Will's tapes. And there are moments with him that just feel like there's something deeper going on there that we're missing. Quite frankly a lot of the scenes with Will at Hawkins Lab are missing answers, so that in and of itself is, very weird to brush off.

Eery to say the least.

These scenes also remind me of the onlookers El was met with when she arrived at Nina:

I've said recently that Owens and Brenner give off good cop/bad cop vibes, and I still feel that way. However, what I think at this point is that Owens is more focused on the 'cause' aka the US military having the upper-hand against the Soviets aka what he could get out of this monetarily/reputation wise, as like a patriot/war criminal. This would also parallel quite nicely with Paul Reiser's character in Aliens, which is a movie that's heavily inspired ST since the beginning.

Yeah, Owens would rather not hurt people if he doesn't have to, especially if he's not even getting any results out of it. But even still, I think Owens would choose to exploit anyone if it meant getting the results that he is expected to be getting, in the position that he is in.

In contrast to Owens, what Brenner gets out of it appears to be some weird father/daughter bond, manifested from raising El in the lab, which was also manifested by Brenner's weird familial bond with Henry as well.

Notice how Owens refers to Brenner as Martin, like, twice...? He even refers to them as an us? These dudes are colleagues, they are equals. The only difference is Brenner has this weird familial lens guiding his actions, whereas Owens actions are all keeping the goals for their cause in mind. And what even is their cause exactly?

We basically get Owens revealing that Brenner convinced him this was the ONLY way they could do this. Which means there were arguably other options, though this was the plan they went with because Brenner insisted it would work, and now they're having to stick to it.

El was a unique case compared to all the other kids presumably, who were brought there at some point in their childhood. From what I recall, Kali (008) for example, was discovered in London, then abducted and brought to Hawkins lab at a young age, but not infancy. Even in her case, she managed to escape Hawkins Lab before the massacre. And so, it's not like every scenario has to look identical El's in order for it to work, though in Will's case, it would definitely need to be explained in a way that fits with what they've told us so far. Which I agree, would be hard to do.

My guess as of now, is that they came across Will's powers via him being able to predict things with his drawings (rainbowshipgate), and that might have inspired part of Hawkins Labs efforts in the year 79. That scene with Ten and Brenner drawing felt very much like this was their first time doing this, and so it must have been a recent disovery at the time?... Hawkins lab wasn't always like that, even when El was a kid growing up there, like SUPER young, it was a little bit different than the numbers 1-19, shaved head, nightgown 24/7 vibes. That version of Hawkins lab required them gradually getting to that point over the last decade, making discoveries as they went. As far as I could tell, they used to be kind of accepting of letting families in there back in the day, because they came off as more lenient in those times, before they cracked down and started being a lot more secretive, resorting to covering things up almost entirely.

Although I think it's likely they're unaware Will made the upside down itself (if he even did), they know something... There's something about this scene with Brenner and Owens in particular, that's just so downright suspicious, to the point where I don't understand why it's not talked about more.

This scene is from 4x07, right after Owens bitched Brenner out for not getting them any results. And so, what is being alluded to here, is that EVERYTHING we saw in 4x07, essentially what was presumably being presented to us as the real truth, after 6 episodes of us watching everything from El's confused POV, isn't even the whole truth???

Also, notice the tapes. Brenner takes the tape labeled with the day of the massacre, Sept 8th, 1979. However, the shot makes a point to show him almost hesitating. We see like 4 tapes from the month of August, and like 7 tapes already for the month of September, with no more tapes to follow after the 8th (obvs bc the massacre). Apparently it was a busy September. What I find weird is that there were two tapes for the day before the massacre, Sept. 7th, 1979.? There's nothing else I find too suspicious about this shot, besides that, and so I am curious about what this could possibly mean.

"How much time did you skip?"

Why not let the audience see what was skipped? It's almost like whatever they skipped over would be a major spoiler to us? And combined with everything else, I would not be surprised if whatever they didn't let us see had something to do with Twelve aka Will...

I understand your doubt with this theory, because I too struggle with figuring out how exactly it would overlap with our understanding of the story and the presumed timeline that's been presented to us thus far.

However, again, I think that there has to be small details in the story, which are essential to un-cracking this, even despite what the overarching narrative has been leading us to believe and assume up to this point. I also think it requires us being misinformed about some things, because otherwise it would be too easy to figure everything out. I mean look at us rn? They don't want people getting too close to the truth and so they need those barriers in the way stopping people from getting to close to the surprise. They literally depend on us assuming they are stupid to achieve all of this.

And even still, the Duffer's themselves have said that the final season will circle back to s1 to answer things that were never answered, along with David saying there's easter eggs from s1 that will make the ending wonderful, and Noah himself saying the show started with Will and will end with Will... And so, there's gotta be something here.

And honestly, upon some casual rewatching since coming across twelvegate, I've noticed a lot of details that connect Will to Hawkins Lab...

One in particular, is the fact that it's established within the first 5 minutes of the series, that Will lives near Hawkins Lab:

So there are arguably places for this theory to build off of, which already exist in the show...

One explanation in particular that I've seen a lot of fans use as a possibility to explain all of this, is Lonnie.

In s1 he showed up after Will's body was recovered, and he made a remark about how Sattler Quarry had no warning signs around it, and that they should be held accountable. Joyce grew suspicious of his behavior and went through his stuff, discovering that Lonnie only came to sue Sattler to receive a big sum of money.

And so within the context of the show, right off the bat, they are saying that not only did Lonnie make homophobic remarks about Will, treat Joyce like she was crazy, but he also apparently only came back after Will was dead, so that he could get a bunch of money out of it...?

There's been theories about this for years, but this could fit into Will, and now even Henry potentially, being brought to the lab, on the front that it would be treatment for conversion therapy.

The parallels between Will and Henry could be entirely related to the upside down/powers, but I just think the wording of those parallels between them, being tied mostly to Will's queer-coding, makes me very skeptical there's nothing more to it?

And like I said, Hawkins Lab was looking for any excuse to not only find kids with natural powers, but to also exploit anyone that posed as an opportunity to them.

Terry Ives for example, wasn't one of the numbered kids in Hawkins Lab, but she was still involved with others who literally volunteered there, and were put on experimental drugs (also another way Lonnie could have been involved with the Lab), which led to El being abducted with the guise that she died during a miscarriage.

People forget that mind control is Hawkins Labs' specialty. And that they used it for more than just studies and experimentation...

The lab did everything they could to cover up what's happened over the years, when it came to El and Terry especially from what we saw. And so, why wouldn't this apply to other kids?

I remember in s2 when Brenner got replaced, Owens said the everyone involved with the lab previously, was gone, with him insisting he was one of the good ones, practically begging Joyce (and Hopper) to trust him... And yet not even a few episodes later he was telling Jonathan and Nancy that he would stop at nothing to keep the truth from spreading... Nothing.

Which then brings us to the most complex of it all. Memories.

I think that it's possible that memory stealing could be a thing that spans multiple characters, and with an organization that specializes in mind control, with us literally seeing that play with Terry Ives in earlier seasons, and also with El's repressed memories in s4 (with the lab having tapes to bring back those memories), I'm gonna presume it's not out of the realm of possibility that there's more to all of this.

Not saying that it's going to be memory stealing in the most generic way possible. Same with the whole time travel debacle. I don't think how we understand these concepts, based on what we've seen in other media, is going to apply exactly in every shape/form for ST. I think it's going to be a lot more complex and have to fit somehow into our understanding of things in this universe already. Do I think it will be easy? No. But the Duffers have surprised me before so I do think that they are capable of doing it again.

And even still, I only feel comfortable speculating about this, in the cases of the kids and the parents, aka Terry and El, Will (Jonathan?) and Joyce, Hopper and Sarah...

And that's about where my theory starts to get kind of stupid.

If you remember, there was a theory way back in s2, that El, Will and Sarah could have all possibly been connected to Hawkins lab. And it's because they all 3 had similar stuffed animals.

Hopper is also shown to be at Hawkins lab in his flashbacks around the time of his daughter's death in 78 (1 year before the massacre). We also get a parallel shot of this, with Sam Owens in s2 (s/out Sam Owens is evil truthers)

BONUS: Shot of El in s4, in this same staircase in the flashbacks of the lab massacre in 79.

Back in the day, there were theories Sarah's death could've been a cover up, and that perhaps she was targeted by the lab similar to other test subjects. It just so happened that for whatever reason, her case ended differently than the others? Or so we think...?

Now you might be wondering, what could have possibly connected Hopper to Hawkins Lab?

Vietnam.

This is another avenue I could totally see Hawkins Lab recruiting test subjects. I mean, it's not like it's one of the most well known tropes in comic books for a person whose encountered radiation to gain super powers or anything...

I also find it interesting that Hopper’s daughter died of cancer, after having an episode quite similar to Will's, which lead her to losing all her hair. And this happened at Hawkins lab (what we can presume based on the setting), a little bit before the labs whole weird shaved head, crayon drawing renovation..?.

Interesting...

In all honesty, Hopper himself has been keeping secrets. This is something that David Harbour has alluded to since s2, when there were boxes from Hoppers cabin shown, with the one El went through literally being labeled Hawkins Lab.

Not to mention, s4 finally explored and introduced to us how Vietnam affected him and his family, sort of building up this storyline, with flashbacks of Sarah, which we’ve been seeing for like season upon season now? They really like showing us these flashbacks with Sarah for some reason… and I can’t help but feel like that storyline isn’t over. So considering some of the evidence, it feels like there could be something going on there.

Not to mention, at the end of s1, we get this moment where Hopper goes in a government vehicle and what happened is only really alluded to. But why not let us see what they talked about?

It does beg to question, that if a lab managed to convince Hopper his daughter died of cancer... Anything is possible.

I also think Joyce being referred to as crazy/out of her mind by herself, Lonnie, Jonathan and like everyone in town in s1, does make me intrigued by the prospects of s2 sort of covering up whatever facts they gave to us back then, bc like.. idk. There's room there for something to have happened I guess. Like the fact that she even felt an urge to check to see what Lonnie was up to, and found out he was trying to get a bunch of money out of Will's death? Like, was history repeating?

I also love that you mentioned the crayons for Will's birthday, because I actually came across Twelvegate when I was reading about another theory, Rainbowshipgate.

If you haven't read it, RUN!

Basically what it boils down to is how the story about Will getting crayons on his eighth birthday, using those crayons to draw a rainbow spaceship, which Joyce then hung up at Melvald's, even going as far as to apparently show it to every person that came in, saying her son drew it... could have been a hint that connects Will to Hawkins Lab.

In fact, this is something several casual fans have observed and talked about on reddit since s2, comments about how ironic it was that Will drew a rainbow spaceship, when we all know there's another major significance to rainbows in the show, ie the rainbow room at Hawkins Lab...

So it's like, are these the easter eggs David was talking about, or??..

I shit you not, reading everything I could about rainbowshipgate, I got curious and decided to rewatch the Hawkins lab scenes from s4.

I was thinking like, hypothetically, if rainbowshipgate was on track in some way? Couldn't Will be a lab kid?

And so I literally went into rewatching those scenes, looking for a lab kid that could be Will-coded. And I was not disappointed. There Twelve was, giving off major Will Byers vibes, and that's when everything sort of clicked for me and I started posting about it.

Also, for those that don't know, there were theories back in the s3 era at least, where fans were already speculating that Will could be Twelve... Though those same theorists haven't returned to update their observations for s4 (meaning all their evidence predates s4 evidence).

However, what I now personally am leaning towards, is that they are connected.

Because if Will's birthday is March 22nd, then it's possible that anytime throughout that year, someone from Hawkins Lab could have stumbled into Melvald's, observed the drawing, and told other higher ups at the lab about it. Upon a little bit of digging, they discovered this kid lived right in their back fucking yard?? I would not be surprised what lengths they would go through to get that kid. Like come on man, that's too easy!

That's another thing, the Byers' home being like right next to Hawkins Lab is just weird in and of itself? So that could be an easy explanation for how Will attended the lab. It would have likely required it being a secret between Lonnie and maybe Jonathan who found out and had to stay quiet. It also could have played a role in their divorce? Who knows. I do think that they're consistent mention of Will's sexuality/queer-coding as the main topic to come up whenever they talk about Lonnie is really suspect. But that's just a theory for now.

Personally, despite all the evidence, because there is quite a lot, I'm still not entirely confident in regards to all this.

It does make me feel more intrigued by other theories though, like birthdaygate and will having powers. I am like 99% confident in those theories, and so there is this element of appeal in that I feel like stuff we've already speculated about in the fandom before, fits quite nicely into twelvegate.

What I'm honestly excited for is ST5 promotion to start rolling out. As early as production starts, we should start getting some crumbs, and it will only grow exponentially from there!

And that's when all us theorists will have more to work with. Because they'll definitely leave easter eggs and hidden messages within the major promotion they drop. And this time a lot of us will actually be paying attention!! Whatever they leave here and there could have the potential to prove/disapprove theories we've been compiling for months before all of this.

Thank you for the ask!! And sorry again for the delay!

#byler #stranger things #twelvegate #will byers #will byers has powers #will byers theory #stranger things theory #stranger things meta #stranger things 5 #st5 predictions #this is me just spitballing here more than anything...#AGAIN if anyone can manage to transcribe that part of the news report on the night of wills body being found PLEASE IM BEGGING HELP

77 notes · View notes