#it’s been a long day of being sick
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you can take the family out of the psychics but you can't take the psychics out of the family
#i think about the aquatos especially these four every single day of my life#just. the complicated mess that is being a psychic in the aquato family. i'm obsessed with them#psychonauts#psychonauts 2#nona aquato#lucrecia mux#augustus aquato#frazie aquato#razputin aquato#my art#honestly i might go back and fiddle with this one some more but right now i'm just sick of looking at it#you ever try to draw something and you have a Vision and you do a ton of Planning and then it Does Not Work? yeah#or maybe it's fine and i've just been looking at it too long. it definitely isn't what i wanted it to be though. alas
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#basically what happened#i woke up to see the breaking news in my inbox#felt sick for 0.2 seconds thinking of the dictatorship and all the times that korea#used its military against its people#this wasn't that long ago! immediately wondered how my parents would feel#and then got sidetracked all day only to log in and find out the coup failed LMAOOOOO#so we just turned on the korean news on yt and loudly went 'WHAT AN ABSOLUTE MORON' without worrying#he should have been forced out of office 0.01 seconds after being elected#but MAN FINALLY!!!!! impeachment process let's go!#why would you ever think this would fly in a country that remembers the dictatorship (it happened in the '80s! SO many people remember it)#and all the trauma associated with the past several decades of authoritarian rule and military/state violence#is no longer the same country it was back then#and ousted the last president who was unhinged and idiotic (park geunhye) 7-8 years ago#because ONE THIRD OF THE WHOLE COUNTRY (16-17 million people) PROTESTED IN THE STREETS and broke records for protest numbers#we didn't even have time to check in on everyone we knew because it was over before we knew it#dying because my friend told me 개새끼 is trending hfasldfjsakfja#okay time to delve into all the fun posts about this
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#kirby#ask to tag#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#having a lot of feelings today about being so sick for so long.#they're not. good ones.#I turned in the last of the additional evidence for my va disability compensation earlier this week#it was around this time in 2015 that I got whatever bug was going around the barracks because everyone got it that's just how it works#I've been debilitatingly ill ever since.#that's not the day that's filed as the breaking point but it's when things went bad.#(there's a specific day in late january where I ran out of compensatory mechanisms and truly broke.)#(that's how it's saved in my head and also literally what's documented in the military files.)#anywho. thanks for reading my little rambles those of you that do#oh yeah also reminder if you have any prescriptions that will run out before new years you should really refill them asap!#when I'm putting my pill organizer together for the week I always check if I have enough for the following week as well#if I don't I make sure to order it before the end of the week I just put together#(this is not a wholly accurate representation of the number of pill bottles I have to sort every week - it's only about 2/3rds)
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BEE KISS TOMORR- *dead* /j
If anyone wants to watch me drawing this like a little victorian child then the timelapse is below the cut 🤣
(FLICKER WARNING. It's all through out so be careful!👍 )
#RWBY#Bumbleby#Blake Belladonna#Yang Xiao Long#Foxarts#YOUR HONOR I HATE THEM (that's a lie actually)#I'VE BEEN STARING AT THIS FOR 3(?) DAYS NOW AND I'M SICK#Technically this doesn't contain spoilers but let me know if I should add the tag!#In reality I think cloud scene will happen episode 7-ish BUT being delusional is what being a bee fan is all about-#This is the first time I've actually tried drawing a kiss sooooo hope it turned out ok xDD#I am the one who looks away when anyone kisses for more than 2 seconds so.#Kisses aren't very photogenic that's all I'll say (I had 3 tutorials open and 5 references pulled up)#This was so messy- I forewent line art because I hate it and I thought it wouldn't be bad to just clean up the sketch. I was kind of right.#Watching back the recording is funny because I've always known I'm disorganized but just watching it play out is hilarious.#Enjoy my little notes and doodles 😌😌#They're so soft I want to scream.#I SURE HOPE I DIDN'T FORGET ANYTHING 😭#Risking my livelihood for these stupids since 2020 *strikes pose*#Anyways that's enough of my rambling.#HAVE A NICE DAY Y'ALL!!
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they are ignoring my big beautiful pathetic himbo wife and his cute little platypus tail that he has for some tank part reason im too dumb to understand why
#how can u laugh 😿 this is not a JOKE 😾⁉️⁉️⁉️#love the way starscream was smiling and entertained by demo's people pleasing and having to make himself frown#so he can make demo even more exasperated by his apathy#'it's funny when he nags cyclonus but he can stfu around me pls '#part of what makes armada starscream so cool is demo taking a lot of the more pathetic sides of his ppl pleasing#starscream's ppl pleasing is more for competitive career (power) reasons and fear#demo's tries to be but also he just wants megatron to like him and be nice to him pls :(#whereas megs actually likes starscream and wants him to succeed one day just not today lol#and starscream is like no wtf ure weird i just want ur position . gtfo#it's like the one worker the manager wants to make a new manager one day but the worker hates it there & just does whats needed then leaves#& trains new ppl by being like 'yea so the fuckass manager likes it like this so if u see him then do that shit but heres how i do it lol'#new ppl being mini cons who hes like that cool younger adult to wholl send ppl home instantly if theyre sick & is chilled but professional#meanwhile demo is the suck up tryhard who just needs to put the fries in the bag bro#he wants to be manager so bad but hes also annoying and dumb and megs just wants him to leave his office so he can pretend 2 work#cyclonus is the broke guy who just goofs off bcs if he gets fired then he gets fired but they havent yet bcs theyre understaffed#n he knows it too. he sleeps on the job if it slows down for 1 second. but hes an adrenalin junkie who can get distracted#demo wants meg to want his effin cookje so freaking bad... i love pathetic men#sideways secretly has 3 jobs total & 2 of them are at their competitors' who pay better so he dgaf abt this one#he never picks up shifts and doesnt care abt working less hours. hes hust here for the drama tbh#he clocks in wondering if demo will ever get that megadck hes been bitching abt#he clocks out a disappointed fujoshi#it's ok bcs karen hot rod who works at their competitors comes storming in with his kids & needs rizzed up#by either starscream or sideways bcs they fucked up his kids' orders on purpose after hr gave them a spiel abt their long list of allergies#demolisher#starscream#cyclonus#transformers#maccadam#tf armada#sideways
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1) this might be the MOST embarrassing thing I post here ever…I was TRYING to escanciar bien but 😳…I SWEAR I DID A GOOD JOB UNTIL MY BF FILMED ME😭😭 pouring cider like this is a lot of fun and traditional to where I live🥰 (also you can hear the traditional bagpipes in the background😆)
traditional asturian cider (sidra asturiana) is VERY dry…not sweet at all, and it’s poured like this to aerate it. You have to pour in very small amounts and then drink it super fast before the carbonation leaves. There are special lids etx that you can put on the bottle though so that it pours a lot more easily and you don’t end up spilling all of it like I did😭😆
ANYWAYS every year my city does the cider festival…and we try to break the world record for the most people pouring cider at the same time. We didn’t get it this year😔🙏 but two years ago we did!! It started raining a little bit an hour before we were supposed to do it & lots of people bailed🙄 it rains every day here…what did they expect…
2) the sunrises lately have been so beautiful!!!💓
3) the gremlins👹
4) some of my “normal” art…I don’t really post it here but I like how this one turned out a lot💓
#IM TIRED OF BEING SO SICK😭😭😭😭😭#like the fever broke a few days ago but I’m STILL SO TIRED…so bored…so blah…#I’ve just been walking when I feel fine and watching lots of movies etc#maybe today I’ll do another drawing💓#anyways it’s been a long time since I did a diary post bc I feel like I have nothing interesting or anything#but maybe you’ll find the cider thing funny😆😆#everyone is always so surprised Asturias is part of Spain…our traditional things are NOTHING like the Spanish stereotype..#and the bagpipes are so funny😭😭 I try to avoid them in the streets bc the noise hurts my ears#but from far away I do like hesring them#ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE AN AMAZING DAY😙💓😙💓
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can ppl in this fandom like... stop... implying that transmasculinity in hcs or (especially) canon is shallow or misogynistic or even transmisogynistic on princible, like literally just by being prescent in someones mind or in the text. like that doesnt fuckin feel good. thats kind of really nasty to imply. if its not okay to say about other trans experiences, maybe dont say it about this one either. why is there a weird little exception here. yall KNOW how much that sucks to hear all day every day. what the fuck
#my t#idk how to tell the hs fandom that every piece of trans coding in roxy in hs1 can be read as transmasc too. like transfem and transmasc#at the same time from the EXACT same reasons. its almost like we all share experiences just by way of being trans. weird i know#its almost like being trans rlly truly highlights what it is to be human and how we are all in fact at the end of the day human together#i just want everyone to stop trying to 'poke holes' in other fans trans hcs FULL STOP across the board no matter who they are#or what the hc is. its needlessly hurtful and more often than not trips into real peoples dysphoria which then#makes the target more likely to lash out. so the person poking them abt it can do a ''SEE? THEYRE ALL MEAN ONE OF THEM#WAS MEAN TO ME JUST NOW'' routine. its so obviously a 'im not touching u!!!' playground maneuver like holy fuck grow up#if you wanna fight for transfem/me folks right to just exist random fans personal headcanons is not the fuckin time or place#the XY in roxys name could be read as her having been DMAB or it could be hussie having a long running giggle about him preordering#his own transmasculinity. roxys colour being pink could be bc shes a girl or it could be compcis!!!#roxys desperation for a bf is from loneliness in canon but its often read as her feeling like she needs one to be a real girl#it can ALSO be read as another aspect of him struggling with compcis and comphet esp w/ his fantasies abt being 'a mother'#yknow what i never fuckin see that rlly highlights the fact that this is just a shitty 'girls rule boys drool' thing? theres like. no#discussions on the potential of roxy being any kinda intersex. absolutely none. he could be mtftm for all you fuckin know#but oh yknow being mtftm is A Shallow Read so we cant have that. hs is only for girls didnt you know we need to terf- i mean turf#out every single instance of queer mascness bc its Evil in the text didnt you know#god help the fandoms word of god token trans boy dirk strider for 'choosing' his eternal misery while everyone else is enlightened#by way of transforming into a girl. bc we must place girlhood on an inhuman pedistal of perfection and niceness and joy and rainbows#like what IS this mahou shojo brand gender essentialism???? im fuckin sick of it#can we remember that girlhood isnt & wasnt safe or joyful for everyone & that that can translate into how we curate our fandom experiences
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When people ask how I am doing today I will try not to say "I feel like I am dragging my own rotting corpse behind me but I might make it to winter break before I collapse" and instead say, "hanging in there!"
#I was on a call on monday and the person said you seem exhausted long day?#And I was like no long decade#Long month#Long week#Alternative is that I have been saying it's not that my job is so hard it's just that I so profoundly don't want to do it#People really relate to that#I should mention i work in clean energy policy and trump being elected makes my job suck#It's so much grief for the world and the work i got to do under biden that I can't do now and climate grief broadly#It's real#zenaida talks (too much)#It's not that this is my first rodeo I'm just so fucking sick of the goddamn rodeo
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i dont kno what my body is doing but ive been waking up so sick everyday n then after like 10 mins it just Vanishes
#at first i was like o this is nice actually itll spare me from the usual horrors of my body being (tmi) horrifically constipated for a bit#its been going on for So Long#every single day#n its so out of character for my body#i dont know whats goin on in ther.....#might just be its still fighting the stomach flu i guess but i never had these symptoms when i was sick#i just hope it doesnt become the new normal o(-< i dont need a new gross body trait
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#yesterday i had this moment where i cried so much and so hard in a way i haven't cried in so long#it was a moment of pure soul crushing grief. it was like i had lost my dog already. i felt like i was never gonna see her again#(she's still here. tired and sick and currently sleeping. being very loved. still here.)#i was talking to my mom and sister a couple of hours ago and they said they had a moment like that too yesterday#and i think for me that was an extremely difficult but necessary moment of acceptance#in that crying i let go of my fear and denial and fully accepted that there is no getting better this time. she will be gone soon.#and god animals are so very sensitive aren't they? because it's like my other two dogs know too.#it's like thay had that moment of acceptance as well. they were so quiet yesterday. they didn't eat all day.#it's unbearably painful. i'm extremely sad and my heart is shattered. but i'm glad that i'm at peace#no dog has ever been as happy and as loved as she has been her entire life. i'm sure of it. and me and my family are going to be okay.
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I often try to remind myself to interact more with the fandom, that I should make more friends and have a better sense of community. Look for more people, read more fanfics, broaden my horizons.
And then when I do that-
. . .
Let's say I am once again reminded of why I am so fucking insular in the first place.
#it has been a long fucking day guys#you wouldn't believe the shit show I dealt in ao3 recently#and that's not even mentioning the other shit I saw today#the denial#the stupid ship wars#on both sides honestly I had needed to scold ghostflower shippers before#the racism#recently I found a fic that got me fucking sick of how much antiblackness it had in it despite Miles being a protagonist in it
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no ones ever gonna understand how much i love daigo doin this stupid shit after dissolving the tojo
#snap chats#is this a gaiden spoiler. its been like five months catch up you nerds#ANYWAYYYYY NOO I LOVE HIM ....... this whole bit is like four seconds long but i love it so much#i just reminded myself i should probably make gaiden/y8 videos for daigo.. i'll make it a JP/ENG comp or somethn.. one day#not soon tho like its barely anything since he's not in those games Long At All but still. im lazy 💀#excuse me while i gush about daigo for twenty minutes now because hehee HE'S SO CUTE I CAN'T GET OVER IT#this is literally the middle aged equivalent of going yippee like YOU CAN TELL HE'S SO RELIEVED IT'S SO CUTE#got the energy of a student with crippling anxiety after they somehow get through giving a presentation without throwing up#AND his lil smile ......... thank you gaiden you made me wanna eat drywall with daigo's sad puppy dog eyes about kiryu#and then immediately made up for it a minute later#sorry i keep scrolling up to look at him and i love him so much. what if i threw up#i dont like using babygirl lightly but this is actually the most Babygirl frame of him ever ive decided#thats my boy .... i love my boy so much ..... he's so cute ... come so far in life congratulations king ..... ily ...#him lookin up at the sky for a minute just to breathe i know he thankin god for the fact he somehow isnt dead yet#im gonna ignore the fact all of this was for naught so i dont bash my head against a wall anyway stan daigo#im gonna be sick i love him so much#if i redraw this later shut up. i love him...#this is why i try not to look at cutscenes anymore cause when i do i feel my brain being put in a microwave and start to melt#its not my fault i love my guys so much .... ok bye i have work to do ....#and then when i finish that work i can go back to loving my guys YAAAAAY !!!!!!!
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Hello again tumblr ^-^
It's been a while...😅
#I know I don't have to but I always feel a need to apologise when I disapear for long periods of time#i'm sorry to anyone who's been waiting for more art or stories#I'm sorry to the freinds I've lost touch with (I still love u I promise)#If anyone cares The reason I've been gone is I'm actually pretty sick atm ^^:#still no idea with what (most probably more then one thing)#but I've finally found a doctor I don't have to fight with to be taken seriously#(why and how is someone who doesn't belive in sickness a doctor?)#so although I'm not actually better I have a little more energy that was previously being spent fighting my idiot of a doctor#so I really hope to get back to writing and drawing and posting real soon#I can't promise it'll be regularly or scheduled but i'll try#cuz boy have I missed it#I've missed everyone and I've missed the joy of sharing art and stories with you all#thanks for reading this ramble#hope ya'll are having a good day#keziha rambles#random stuff
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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.
Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.
#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that#here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking#that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like#have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production#on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still#get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues#as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing#days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials#and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic#and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that#done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated#on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big#Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually#hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary#everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I#enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all#lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like#I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the#architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of#city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public#transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those#spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still#definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter#ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise#condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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happy birthday to me i celebrated by looking at my favourite sequence of images in the world and crying over it at half past midnight.
#im. 24 now.#appleyaps#gonna be honest with you guys idk where the fuck my life is heading atm.#but if this manga taught me anything its that i have to keep making choices in order to achieve my own happiness.#ive been making strides... im now exclusively using the men's toilets wherever i go.#and im working on getting a professional diagnosis so i can go on hrt... but the waiting lists are so long.#i took the transfer but now it turns out i still have to wait longer... even though i was promised help quickly.#i dont know how much longer i can take this though. being uncomfortable with myself. im sick of it. i just wanna live.#theres so many things id like to do. but my body and my voice are holding me back from it.#my mom and her boyfriend know now. but my mom doesnt understand and has never referred to me as a woman as much as she does now.#at least everyone at school uses he/him for me now. i was finally assertive about it in my new class#and everyone there calls me teddie. though i'd like people to use tom for me as well. my friends do.#i just need to be even more assertive from now on. im working on it. im doing my best. i wanna live.#at least i have lots to look forward too. thats whats keeping me going honestly. and my friends.#the hope that one day i get to look in the mirror and finally see myself. i want to believe that it can happen. i need it to happen.
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