#it’s always so lovely to hear about celebs being queer

[stormblessed95]

https://www.tumblr.com/stormblessed95/735173163757010944/as-a-straight-army-if-jikook-hypothetically?

*feel free to not post if you don't want to start issues 💜*

i really do want to be nice bc feeling excluded is a real thing and it sucks, and i'm hoping that this anon is actually being genuine

but hearing cishets whine (sorry but it sounds like that) about not being included in queer spaces is beyond hilarious and annoying

As a straight ARMY if Jikook (hypothetically) would ever admit they are, or were a thing, I would at once be happy for them, but at the same time get a bit jealous, coz then queer ARMY would try to gate keep them like anything.

Queer fans can be rather possessive about queer celebs I have seen. I kinda get why they would, but still..

bts has always been for for anyone and everyone, but ok 🙃🙃

i'm hoping you mean that queer army would make liking bts/jikook a "queer only" thing and not us (queer armys) protecting them when they live in a conservative HOMOPHOBIC country where they can get thrown in prison for having same sex relations during military enlistment, being an "issue".... pls tell me that's what you mean 😐

bc having to deal with kpop stans and armys (yes some of y'all are fcking disgusting pos) being homophobic and transphobic towards jimin is already hard enough while he's closeted (if he's queer/bi), i don't even want to think of how bad it'll be if/when he comes out, especially adding in the locals and gp (and when jimin is literally south korea's sweetheart....)

then with the amount of "straightkookers" and y/ns, if jk is queer/gay it's going to be BAD

and if jikook are actually dating.....

also considering we've literally just had to report and email to protect the members (jimin especially) about people being homophobic and using their (bts') country's outdated and horrible laws for enlistment to harm or hurt the members, kinda want you to stfu

Queer ARMY already say BTS just for girls, gays and theys and they are mostly joking. But if Jikook or any BTS member for that matter were to come out officially, these wont be jokes.

y'all are allowed to make thousands of straight ("his wife/girlfriend") jokes about the members, but god forbid queer people have fun

and i'm sorry but YOU (anon) are the majority here, yet you're scared queer fans are going to "bully out" the straight fans 😭😭

BTS, especially the members who come out wont be considered as those with universal appeal, but be promoted, touted as queer icons instead.

as they should 😌

also plenty of queer celebs and artists are still loved by cishet fans

Straight fans who now participate as ARMY equally with non het fans, would now become "guests in a queer space/fandom)".

EQUALLY????

the amount of times i've been attacked bc i suggest a member might be queer (not even shipping related btw), the multiple stupid ass debates surrounding like crazy, face, seven, 3D, standing next to you, and golden, and the dumbass opinions during jimin's photo folio

also queer people are "guests" in real life already

Our opinion on their style, music choice, career trajectory would be shut down as #hetopinionnotvalid.

i mean if the topic is about queer topics or issues, then letting queer people speak on that is basic human decency imo

y'all let (or you should be 🤨) poc, women, ect speak on issues that they're affected by when bts does something related to those issues, so let queer people do the same 😞

Straight BTS fans would then be likened to straight women who go to gay clubs, as interlopers who are encroaching something that doesnt belong to them.

y'all want to be oppressed so bad 💀💀

it's MUSIC, just have fun and be respectful

"Yall want to be oppressed so bad"

*cosigned* thanks for dropping in anon

[statementlou]

Thinking again about how the other day that anon wrote me wondering why Louis was so popular with older adult women and I had a couple ideas but was basically like idk IS he or is it just the same amount as any other pop star but then the other day BBC posted that video of 1D members doing 1D songs* solo without Louis in it and the post was like go comment on all these platforms and I was like what the heck it's not like I use my facebook for much else- but that meant I ended up looking a few times at the other comments (being mad about Louis' exclusion) and like I KNOW it's FB so ofc it's skewed by who uses that... but like damn, there ARE a lot of middle aged and older ladies for Louis! Like A LOT!! So again I am thinking about it and I would love to know what other people think might be the reason... my ideas plus footnote under cut-

~He’s so fucking SMART and the older you get the more appealing and necessary that is to appreciate someone. ~His music has always been in large part 90s style stuff which may draw in folks who already loved that kind of music because they’re old enough to remember it. ~We’re queer and were drawn into this fandom by crying our eyes out over how beautiful baby Harry and Louis were together and wanted to give them the world and protect them (is this age dependent? see below for why maybe I guess but idk) But my top theory is that ~it's based on the combination of him being this beautiful goodhearted boy all the shitty things we saw happening to him for so long and wanting so much to be able to DO SOMETHING, to make things better for him and give him everything. Not saying this is age based but maybe this works more strongly on older folks than on people who feel like they are in the same boat? Anyway would love to hear if other people think 1) there are more older louies than other celeb fandoms/ the other members of 1Ds solo fandoms and 2) if so what do you think it is about Louis? or 3) no, all these things apply to me but I'm only (whatever young age) so that can't be it

*I have since figured out why they did that and it isn't because Louis is blacklisted or whatever it's because they just pulled their footage that they own of 3 of them playing BBC Big Weekend which Louis hasn't done, and footage of Zayn from his public insta, which isn't something they could do for Louis- to include him they would have had to like get footage from his management or something they can't just use whatever off youtube and it was just a silly SM post they weren't gonna do all that

[hislittleraincloud]

Jesus Christ, where to start with this mess.

@hislittleraincloud there is a LOT wrong with shipping platonic friends.

Newsflash: In the cases of Potter and Wednesday, we're all "shipping platonic friends", even after they've paired up in canon (Harry/Cho, Ron/Lavender, Romione, Hinny; Weyler, Enjax, and presumably Bianca/Lucas). The same could be said of any fandom on Earth that does not necessarily take place in wizarding/outcast schools. That's what fandom is about. We explore all ships, big, small, fluffy, and degenerate...because it's fiction. Fiction offering escapism, and offering deeper perspectives than the cursory character images we're gifted onscreen.

But go on.

I can make a long post about it later. But for the time being: don't forget that children at the ages of 6 to 10 are watching Wednesday.

I haven't forgotten, but I can tell you that 6 to 10 year olds aren't participating in this chronicaly online fandom bullshit (and if some of them are, they need to GTFO fr, because fandom is not for children). I know most of the young fandom here are being fed adolescents are children, but they're not. Adolescents are going through a rough hormonal change that will affect the entire rest of their lives; some do it early, some are late bloomers like Enid. They are very much different from kindergarten and elementary school children, brain-wise.

But lemme tell you what the average child sees when they watch Wednesday: They see two friends/best friends. Kids at that age are still adjusting to our colorful world, and socially (in America at least) are still clueless about things like The Cramps' version of "The Goo Goo Muck" being about oral sex and the whole visual 'joke' of a blowjob regarding Enid and Lucas; they just hear a funny, creepy-ish song with a danceable beat and see a girl who accidentally spilled something on her date. (Adults have been putting Adult Jokes in children's fare since the dawn of animation. See: OG Warner Brothers cartoons, Animaniacs, the Muppets, etc.) They're hardly thinking in subtexts or double entendres because their brains are still grappling with reality, they're still trying to learn how to read and comprehend what they're reading. Subtext is usually taught when children start maturing into young adults when they can start to question and understand the complexities of language and communication, and for me it was in 9th and 10th grade.

Is Wednesday then inappropriate for kids that young? I wouldn't say so, since they're ignorant of the subtext that the older adolescents are taking from it. Kids are resilient, more resilient than we give them credit for, and some kids adore dark n' creepy (because they ARE dark n' creepy 🫠). But it is rated TV-14, and it's always up to the parents to parent their kids as they deem appropriate. If they think that their kid can handle the gore and the teen love stuff, then that's on them.

But no parent should ever let their elementary-aged child participate in online fandom. Even if it's just uploading stories to AO3 under supervision. There's a good reason why a lot of sites say you must be at least 13 to join. And I'm talking this kind of fandom shit right here *gestures all around me*, not like...an official Star Wars website for young fans. I've seen so many cute little kids at cons with their parents who are all involved with fandom in one way or another, but this here is a cesspool of twisted ideas that they can't fully understand and aren't meant to fully understand.

These kids are exposed to daily se*ualizition of two girls( all over social media), who are portrayed as an embodiment of a sibling-like friendship.

Once again, kids aren't supposed to be here in fandom. "All over social media" is part of fandom. The kids you're worried about aren't here, and if they are, they're not supposed to be.

(ETA: Now realize that was a huge wall of text and added the cut.)

You may be queer, but you grew up in an era where platonic friendships were celebrated in TV and films, and everyone respected them. Children were allowed to be just kids and just friends for long years before they started thinking about romantic and sexual relationships.

Don't tell me what I am or what I grew up in. I've got 20 years on your ass, and the reason I can tell YOU what era you, your peers, and your generational subordinates (Z) are living in is because I'm living it too, and am capable of the comparison.

I grew up in an era where social media didn't exist, and none of us had a camera/video camera with us wherever we went. You know what we did as kids, though? We played doctor with each other (a lot like how it was depicted in Afterburn between young Wednesday and young Xavier). With each other and our plushies and other dolls. (And in my case, it was also playing gynecologist with the life-sized blonde doll my grandma sent me one year. I was the same damn age that you saw in the previous Face Reveal post.) Our parents didn't freak out over it, either, because none of it was sexual; going to the doctor was never sexual or sexualized for us kids. It was common and healthy curiosity. That was our "kids being kids" in terms of transactional discovery, but today someone somewhere would scream about how their children were sexually assaulting each other when the worst thing that even happened most of the time was a pants drop.

We had more freedom to act like little assholes, we got punished for it when we were way out of line/someone got hurt or traumatized, but I can't even pretend that we were completely shielded from 🏳️‍🌈 in the media. I was 6½ years old when I watched the first gay character on primetime TV (Steven Carrington of Dynasty; my mother liked Dynasty, Dallas, and Falcon Crest, so that's what we watched). I thought both actors who portrayed him were cute but then was educated on what gay men were by my mother. But instead of immediately feeling disgust, I was a kid who just understood that men can be with other men the way they were with women. It was no big deal to me, even as young and lacking in social connectivity as I was.

The internet, social media, and irresponsible parenting are making people so fucked in the head. Sometimes people are too suggestible, and when one person says something that is patently false, it will just be accepted regardless because they fear losing that shred of connectivity.

And then under that huge hive mind they're unable to recognize what the rest of the world outside of that mind sees. Millar & Gough and their writing crew set out to tell Wednesday's story of how she went from hating people and having no friends to tolerating people and having friends.

But lemme address this "you grew up in an era where platonic friendships were celebrated in TV and films, and everyone respected them" assertion of yours directly:

Like I just said, we didn't have social media. But we had print, and the first Captain James T. Kirk/Spock slash fan fiction was published fifty years ago this month. It was called "A Fragment Out of Time" by Diane Marchant. So for at least as long as I've been alive, NOT "everyone" has respected the celebrated platonic friendships in TV and films. "Fans" have always been freaky like that, and that's fine (I mean, I've mentioned it before, but I wrote my own fucking Purple Rain fan fic sequel 40 years ago, but it's lost to time/my parents probably tossing it...imagine how many others like me wrote fan fic that was just never published or shared anywhere). The only difference is now, we can communicate with others in ways that we only dreamed of before, and we can go out and find our peoples to commiserate, create, and share.

You are my peoples when it comes to a het ship like Wavier, but you are certainly not my fucking peoples when you keep doing things like saying "there is a LOT wrong with shipping platonic friends" while using ONLY slash/LGBT ships as your examples.

That's homophobic behavior.

I don't necessarily ship Wenclair, but I can appreciate the less obnoxious people who do, i.e. the reasonable people who know when they've got their ship goggles on. I support peoples' right to ship who/what they want, but shipping does not come without criticism. I get the criticism all the time, I'm an easy target because Wenovan is That Ship that only few will publicly sail. You get the crit because Wavier/Wenvier involves White. It's time that the Wenclairs also faced some crit, but you're fucking doing it wrong and it is heavily laced with homophobic intimation, so I'mma tell you one last goddamn time: KNOCK IT OFF.

This generation, however, doesn't have that option 🫤. Since every friendship in every show and film gets se*ualized. How is this OK?

This generation that's as strong on shipping as the Wenclairs also had their schooling and social development absolutely fucked by COVID, as well as being influenced by so. Much. Confusing. Shit. Online (which is also fucking with their social development).

None of y'all understand the separation of actors and characters because identity politics is suddenly taking a front seat in everything we do. And a lot of it revolves around gender and sexuality. People/humans have had their hangups about sexuality, but right now it's worse since the kids are objectifying the actors by meddling in their personal lives and aggressively dictating who they're permitted by fandom to be friends with (that much we can agree upon). It's a Mean Girl mentality to get cliquey and tell someone, "We don't like him, you need to stop hanging out with him!" As a former girl, I've seen girls do this to people for little to no reason at all. Anyway.

You feel like you're being inundated with gay ships and disrespect for 'platonic' friendships, but it's nothing new and has always been present in modern fandom. Don't use "because of the kids!" as an excuse to call a ship disgusting or wrong. That's not and has never been how it works in fandom. I was most active in Potter when Ortega was born (💀), and when you were in grade school. I think I can recognize when someone is couching (though not very well) their own homophobia behind the veil of concern, and if you can't see that you're being homophobic, then cycle back up to the beginning where it's about Ron and Harry.

You don't know the consequences of this phenomenon on young minds who unfortunately, never understood the value of building human friendships before they move on to more intimate relationships.

I do know because we're seeing it right now, however: I will agree that it's a massive, massive leap for someone like [Millar & Gough's and Ortega's canon] Wednesday to go from having zero friends to having a girlfriend. THAT'S not how THAT works, either. But at the same time, that would mean that we can't ship Wavier or Wyler either. If you want to respect real Wednesday canon, then by the end of Season 1, Wednesday still isn't looking like she will be partnered with anyone, let alone the werewolf who left her to deal with Xavier while she went to go make out with her boyfriend (canon Wednesday can't even bring herself to apologize to Xavier for fucking up his life because she doesn't ever apologize like a socially adjusted human would).

But fandom's fan works aren't absolutely required to respect canon (unless it's something like an official screen-to-page novelization of a show with a robustly nihilistic narcissist as its main character), you know that. Everybody should know that. We make shit up all the time about the characters, properly objectifying them as the fictional objects that they are. Sometimes studios can be irresponsible and try to play into fandom like they have with the queerbaiting in Wednesday promos/merch like Mejia's book, forgetting that online fandom is fractured and separate from the more casual (and youngest) public, non-chronically online fans.

Stop worrying about the kids who aren't a part of our fandom and start worrying about how the fuck you're coming across in your arguments. Sincerely ask yourself whether you hate the ship because of a fat chunk of its fandom fans and their delusional behavior around it, or if you just hate the ship because you find LGBT shipping distasteful.

Because from where my fat ass is sitting with your additional Harry/Ron comments, you're sounding increasingly like the same moralists* we've been fighting for decades, and I don't wanna fucking fight you. But I will.

@hislittleraincloud there is a LOT wrong with shipping platonic friends. I can make a long post about it later. But for the time being: don't forget that children at the ages of 6 to 10 are watching Wednesday. These kids are exposed to daily se*ualizition of two girls( all over social media), who are portrayed as an embodiment of a sibling-like friendship.

You may be queer, but you grew up in an era where platonic friendships were celebrated in TV and films, and everyone respected them. Children were allowed to be just kids and just friends for long years before they started thinking about romantic and sexual relationships.

This generation, however, doesn't have that option 🫤. Since every friendship in every show and film gets se*ualized. How is this OK?

You don't know the consequences of this phenomenon on young minds who unfortunately, never understood the value of building human friendships before they move on to more intimate relationships.

[whatiwillsay]

Just to be clear I'm not calling you a liar

I physically don't understand how you'l get such wildly different infor from other people. I watched a live a few days ago said they didn't believe in tilly at all (which is fine) but they also seemed to be sure that Joe was fake. Going so far as to say that Taylor is living in NYC and not london. This person claimed to get their info from a source who used to work with Karlie and even shows them an NDA whoever it was had to sign. It was honestly starting to sound a little like spade riddles to me.

yeah i mean on that live the insider claimed wildest dreams and this love were written in 2014- we know this to be false we have copyright dates on those songs. they also used the term "hetlors" which is not something an insider would say. they claimed they knew when taylor started identifying as queer and which relationships were real and which were fake. how would an employee of karlie's know all that. does karlie just walk around the office saying oh yeah here's all this highly personal shit about taylor swift. like no that's extremely silly. they claimed that joe jonas was a beard for claire calloway but taylor and joe dated almost a year BEFORE she ever even met claire. my guess for the insider on that live is a kaylor who wanted to confirm every kaylor theory that's ever existed got a hold of some convincing paperwork (or forged it) and went and had some fun.

like they claimed tayliz wasn't real. i agree tayliz wasn't a relationship (but it is a fun theory that's worth a look) but how would someone who worked for karlie in the past know to even ask about liz huett? tayliz as a fandom theory did not exist until late 2020 when the tayliz masterpost went live. how would the employee know to ask that before the fandom theory even existed? or why would karlie feel the need to assure this employee that taylor never dated this unknown backup singer before people even shipped them? tayliz the name is something that was invented ON MY BLOG. like this is obviously someone who reads gaylor blogs and just wanted to go shake things up.

i'm sorry but i don't think the people who received and spread this info did their due diligence on this information and the source it's coming from. one question cara and i always ask ourselves when we get a new friend of the pod is "are these people just telling us what we want to hear?" if the answer is yes we don't share the info they give us.

but my info is not all that different from the stuff that people like shannon from fluently forward, the celeb memoir bookclub girls, and even enty have heard. enty and i and shannon and i have privately compared notes like i'm friends with these people - people we all know for a fact are keyed into different celeb gossip scenes and not just here to ship kaylor. like yes of course my info is different from kaylor shippers. they're here for kaylor (which is fine with me) and i'm here for all tea and gossip. there's a reason my podcast and content extends well beyond gaylor.

i'm just extremely sick of being caught up in gaylor fandom politics. like i just don't want to do it anymore. i'm happy for kaylors if they've found a way to believe everything they ever wanted about their ship and if they're having fun genuinely who gives a fuck if they're right or wrong. they're having fun and fandoms are supposed to be fun. but i'm here for reality. i don't want to hurt any kaylor's feelings when i say i heard reliable tea that taylor was fucking a different woman on rep tour or when i say yes of course karlie and josh are real and yes of course taylor and joe are real. i'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or ruin anyone's day but i can't hold back well sourced information i get about the reality of our favs that we talk about.

i want to be a good gossip blog first and a gaylor blog second. i hope everyone reading this blog is ok with that. if i get reliable tea that debunks a gaylor theory im gonna share it because i am assuming y'all want the truth over your favorite pet theory. and when i get gaylor tea like the rep tour girl or julianne hough hook up i'll be excited to share that as well.

[chaoticlarrie]

A love letter to fandoms

I just wanted to express how much I love fandom spaces. It’s gonna be a sappy useless post but bear with me.

Since I was young teen, fandom spaces online have been a refuge for me. A second home. It’s one of my most effective coping mechanism for my very depressed brain and always has been.

I’ve always had trouble expressing strong emotions in my life. Because I was raised to be calm, collected, reasonable, smart and critical.

Strong outburst of emotions, positive or negative, were always fround upon, mocked or punished. So I had to find an outlet for my strong emotions. And for me it was fandoms. I can go completely crazy over a specific tv show and if no one in my life can bear listening to me going nuts over it, I can go online and find my people, the other ones that are just as crazy as me and we can be content with each other.

Because every one needs to feel strong emotions from time to time. For some it’s falling in love again and again, for others it’s partying to the point of exhaustion for the body and mind, for others it’s drugs, for others it’s extreme sports. We all want that rush of adrenaline, that euphoria. But none of those options are safe. And for me fandoms were that outlet. That get way to euphoria. I would fall in love with a piece of fiction or a band and their music and I would give them that power over me. I gave the power to a book, to a song, even to a celebrity to make me cry, to make me happy, to make me euphoric. I chose to gave them that power when I entered the fandom. Because I knew that it meant that the next time I hear news about it, I would feel that strong emotion.

We all chose to be emotionally invested, committed into these fandoms.

It’s about that rush of adrenaline when a big news drop about a new season of your favourite show, it’s about that warm feeling of being so proud of one of your favourite celeb when they accomplish something, it’s about that trepidation and the delicious and torturous waiting before a midnight release, it’s about that euphoria when you’re at a concert of your favourite band, surrounded by people who all sing the same lyrics with you, it’s about that deep sense of comfort and belonging when you find a piece of fiction that perfectly encapsulates everything you are and want to be, it’s about that immense relief that you get when you can finally listen to that song that makes everything better.

I don’t know where I would be if I couldn’t escape from time to time to a place where I see so many talented and passionate people talking about those things that are so important to me.

And yeah there’s drama in every fandom from time to time. But it’s always worth it and I feel like we’re always better off in the end.

So thank you to the Harry Potter fandom for the amazing creations, fan fictions, fan arts, plays, projects, for inventing real quidditch... for expanding this universe that he’s so huge and magical because of you, the fans. For taking a stand against the very author of the thing we have in common and taking it as an opportunity to raise awareness and inclusivity for every trans and non binary potterheads. For making Harry Potter OURS so that the legacy of the fandom can live on even if we leave the author behind.

Thank you to the One Direction fandom, that is always oh so full of drama. The one that got me onto tumblr all those years ago where I felt like I found my people. Thank you for your fics, your art, the gifs, the craziness and the dedication. Thank you for making me grow out of my “I’m not like other girls” phase. Thank you to the Larry shippers for making me believe in love. Thank you for the rainbow direction projects and movement that made us all feel celebrated. Being a 1D fan on Tumblr at the peak of 1D fame was some of the most fun I’ve ever had on the internet and I regret nothing.

Thank you to the Supernatural fandom, even if it’s only been 2 months for me. For making me want to see that show that is good but so bad but so good. Thank you for the memes. Thank you for hallucinating with me a better written version of the show. Thank you for the fix it fics. Thank you for using that random cw show as starting point for discussion around queer rep and mental health. Thank you for demanding, all those years ago, that even mainstream teen dramas on tv be better for all of us. You had a real and positive impact on how tv shows are made and thought of, don’t ever doubt it.

And I could so say so many thank yous to so many others but,

I guess what I’m trying to say basically, is a big thank you, to all of you, for not being cool.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re the coolest mofos on this fucking planet. BUT. We don’t play it cool. No matter the fandom, we all have passionate and very strong emotions about specific subjects and we’re completely unhinged on this hellsite (affectionate) about it.

I love seeing someone going apeshit in the tags of a Louis Tomlinson pic cause they can’t express how much they love him other wise.

I love seeing a long ass post about psychoanalysing Dean Winchester, putting more thought into it than even the writers of the show ever did.

I love seeing someone who spends hours making a very elaborate collage of Harry styles painted nails.

I love seeing the very elaborate fan arts of a potterhead who transformed Hogwarts in a place full of gays, ace, bi, non binaries, trans and poc through their drawings.

I love all the inside jokes and concepts inherent to each fandom. The things that you understand only after spending time in the fandom. The way that we can all be a bit too crazy about our passions on here without being mocked.

Fandom is a safe space for strong emotions and I love you all for that.

If I made any sense in this long ass post and you feel me, I would love for people to add what they’re thankful for in their apecific fandoms even if we don’t share it. Thanks, love you all 😘

[shanie-the-toyaddict]

So, I want to take this moment to say a few words about my Grandma.

2 years ago, on this day, my last grandparent passed away. My grandma Vi passed away peacefully on December 27th, 2018. Her passing was the direct impetus for my full time return to tumblr and, I gotta say, you guys have made it all worth while.

I have many regrets involving my nana bear, the biggest being the lack of time I spent with her at the end. I have a really hard time facing people aging. It’s why I find it hard to watch much of Shane’s stuff these days and why it’s difficult for me to see my mom without makeup. Most of the people in my life, both celebs and IRL, they have shown a habit of looking far beneath their age until, one day, they don’t. I don’t know exactly what day I looked at Shane and realized “Holy shit, he’s not a kid anymore”... probably somewhere around 2018. My mom is the same way, I don’t know when I first looked at her and realized she really was in her 70s but in both cases, it was a very difficult realization.

Something similar happened with my grandma. One day, she started looking very very old and I could no longer stand to see her because it made me confront her impending loss. Because of this, I didn’t spend much time with her toward the end, and I’m sad about that.

I’m also sad that she never truly accepted me for who I am. It’s true, I’ve never had a steady girlfriend, and that’s less about my not trying and more about not being able to find a girl who will go out with me. But my nana bear was a hardcore Polish Catholic who had no time for queer individuals, so I simply chose to pass as straight for her to avoid drama. But I had brought it up from time to time and it always went badly, so we just let her forget it and I regret not being able to meet eye to eye on that.

Another regret of mine is that she passed before I started writing fanfic. She always loved to hear my stories and anecdotes and I believe that, were she of sound enough mind at the time, she would have loved to hear my dream stories. It makes me sad that her mind was going towards the end and, even if it wasn’t, I didn’t start writing again until August 2019.

Finally, one thing I am GRATEFUL for is that she lived long enough to see my return to Christ. Being a Christian is something I don’t talk about much on here, but it’s very important to me (although I try to be as Chill about it as possible). As a devout Catholic, my nana bear always dreamed that I would find God again and the day that I told her I had been saved was a joyous one indeed. 

I miss my grandma. She was a good woman at heart, albeit a bit mischievous, and when the holidays roll around it makes me miss her more. We had all been praying that she would make it into the new year, but God was gracious and let her live past Christmas (although she was quite far gone and couldn’t get out of bed) and that her death came after the 25th. I now sit here, thinking of Brodie Lee and his family and how they will have to deal with heartache over the holidays now. I also think of Carrie Fisher’s passing two years prior to my grandma’s and how it must hurt her daughter greatly when the holidays come around.

In conclusion, the holidays can be a joyful time of year for those who celebrate. But it can also be a time of mourning for those who have lost loved ones and please remember to love each other and care for each other. Tomorrow is never a guarantee and you never know when the last time you see those loved ones will be.

[mehmehfwog]

Klaus AU

Ok so I have this headcannon that I really want written: In which Klaus gets sober a year after living on the streets. He goes to cosmetology school or is found by a celeb and then becomes a makeup artist and slowly goes up the food chain with his creativity and lovable personality. He paints celebrities faces until he has the money to eventually create a makeup line that becomes a multi million dollar beauty company that is like #1 in the world.

His colors and formulas are revolutionary and he is successful as fuck, but no one really knows the face behind the company. No one even knows it is a male who is running the company. (Think like pre-2000s). Before men wearing makeup was a norm) He is engaged to Modern!Dave( who’s a policeman? Simple farmer boy? Army guy?) and can summon Ben, who is beyond proud of his brother. The three of them live together in a big farm house out of the city with animals running around and a set of baby twins that have curly black hair and green eyes.(Ben gets to name them).

He sends letters to his family all the time throughout the years and tries to keep a connection with them because he loves them even if they are all dicks. Only Vanya (and sometimes Diego and Eudora)responds. The rest believe he is just reaching out for drug money because of that one time he stole some from Luther(because “hey he’s just sitting at the house with no job and it’s really dads money isn’t it?)even though he paid him back.

He builds up a relationship with #7 until the point that he calls Vanya almost everyday, visits her almost weekly and sees all of her shows. With the money for a car, a place for visitors, and a telephone, he convinces her to get out of the city and move closer to him( he may have offered to build a second house on his property). It’s around this time that he notices his sisters pattern of taking her childhood medication and how it affects her confidence. He and Ben notice how sketchy her pills are and immediately they beg her to slowly stop taking them. He is with her to flip out when they realize what their “father” did to her. He teaches her control and helps her learn about herself. (And shows her the beauty of fashion and makeup.) He lets out a collection of makeup called the “Vanya” line.

#3 never talks to him after he leaves and never responds to him when he reaches out. He waits for the day she calls or writes back to him. Meanwhile, it is a well known fact in the celebrity world that Allison Hargreeves loves his makeup line and it’s all that she will wear. Secretly his sister has tried to hire the mystery artist to do her makeup for award shows and when he blows up in popularity, she even talks in interviews about wanting to do photo shoots just for his makeup line. She tries to grab the secret artists attention buuuut.. Klaus promised himself (at Bens prompting) that he wouldn’t let the sister who ignored him until he was more famous than her, take advantage of him even though he feels guilt at basically ignoring her whilst trying to get her attention.

Diego was always Klaus’s favorite silbling(next to Ben of course) and it was the same for Diego. #2 distanced himself for awhile but always picked up the phone for his brother and tried to keep track of him. When he made the connction that Klaus was no longer on the street he was overjoyed but didn’t seek his brother out because he wanted to keep him away from the dangers of being a famous police officer (and secret vigilante). Eudora picks up the phone one day when #4 calls and they secretly become fast bffls. Klaus helps his brothers relationship when he explains Diego’s actions in life and prevents Diego being kicked out of the Police Academy. Eudora and Diego stay together(she doesn’t die). They keep more in touch and Klaus is happy just to hear about his favorite living brother’s life. #2 himself doesn’t really know what’s new in his brothers life because Klaus won’t say anything until he is asked because he is petty like that. (Eudora gets a lot of makeup sent to her and Diego just wonders where it comes from and where to put it.).

Luther is Luther and then he is Luther on the Moon.

Fast foward to March 24, 2019:#4 has conquered his telekinetic and showing Ben off powers. He struts in fashionably late to Reggie’s funeral with his makeup on point, a sexy dress with sharp heels, his hunky fiancé Dave, his twin toddlers, and his confident tiny sister.

Five was gone obviously but, when comes back, he is happy that his brother has his own family and has helped Ben and Vanya.

The rest of the siblings are stunned when they see how put together he and Vanya are. And that Klaus actually has a loving relationship with #7, his husband, and kids. (No Allison bashing buuuuttt..... she is jealous as hell that her brother has a future hubby looks like he worships the ground the Klaus walks on and not one, but two!!!kids that look so well behaved and love Klaus to death.Parenting just looks so natural for him).

Then #4 stops the end of the world with his big heart and queer powers alone.

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Nick Jonas doubled down on his stance as a straight ally after queer baiting accusations, even though I've heard firsthand he's closeted. He's someone who I doubt will ever "come out" (he's also in a PR marriage).With the way H has navigated his closet more recently, being more explicit in his attraction to men while also confirming Camille as an ex-gf, and the way he has not clarified his stance as a straight ally, despite some similar criticism, I wonder what that means. I do find the way 1/3

fandom has always framed the end-all-be-all as this big coming out, but I've never found that useful. I still think that there is a large possibility that will never happen. If Harry or Louis ever come out, it would not be to confirm "Larry is real" and this also negates the fact that so many celebs go their whole life without ever coming out of the closet, and I don't think it's against their will. I just find people in the fandom love to speculate on when they will come out and how they 2/3

will do it as if it's inevitable, and I just don't see it that way at all. I'm not sure if you've discussed your thoughts on if/how HL would ever come out, but I would love to hear them if you have any. 3/3

*********

There’s a lot here anon - and I’ll try and say a little bit about what I think.

The first thing to understand the current environment for celebrities coming out.  Celebrities are coming out more than they used to, but they tend to be younger and not to have actively performed heterosexuality as part of being in the closet.  The effect of this has been to erase any structural elements of the closet.  Coming out is presented as an individual choice, as opposed to something that is mandated by structures of power within the industries involved.

The last person I can think of who publicly performed heterosexuality and then came out was Kristen Stewart.  But she’s never denied her past - it just sits there and people can believe what they want about it.  

What hasn’t happened for a while (and I’d be interested if anyone can think of any examples) is someone saying ‘I’m gay and the story I was telling about myself before was a lie’.  Ricky Martin is the last person I can think about who came out, and made it clear that the relatioship history he had told publicly wasn’t true (this is leaving out people who were clearly outted like Phillip Schofield).

That’s a very tricky envrionment for Harry and Louis to navigate if they’re together and want to come out.  It would be possible I think for them to tell a story that didn’t present everything about their dating life as a lie (definitely possible for Harry and with enough lead time also possible for Louis). But trying to do that would be high risk, because lots of people won’t believe it - and will talk about how they don’t believe it - and there’s a risk of journalists runnig aritcles about why they won’t believe it.

But things won’t necessarily stay as they are now.  Celebrity changes and the experieces of being a public LGBTQ person change.  It maybe that in five years time celebrities are much more able to expose the nature of the celebrity closet in the 2010s. We live in an incredibly unstable time - the idea that we can predict what will happen in the short term is absurd - the medium term is unthinkable.  And there are all sorts of ways that current events could ricochet and create a different environment for LGBTQ celebrities.

We don’t know what they want, we don’t know how they see this, and I try really hard not to pretend that I do know.  But when thinking about whether they might come out - it’s useful to think about things that they might want that would be difficult if they remained in the closet.

First, I may be wrong about this, but I think Louis will struggle to be an interesting popstar in the closet.  And in the current environment you gotta be interesting to get any traction.  

Second, I think it’s very difficult for them to have children together, if they don’t come out.  If either of them were with someone non famous, or even someone famous where the relationship was under a little bit less surveillance, then there are all sorts of possibilities to have kids. But if they stayed together long term, I think they’d have to choose (certainly if either of them was living a public life of any sort).  

Finally, it may be the circles we move in (I have quite a restricted dash), but I don’t see a lot of discussion of coming out on my dash.  What I saw instead - was large parts of fandom turning on a dime.  When it became untenable for those with a grasp on music industry contracts to argue that they were closeted entirely because of their contracts.  I suddenly saw lots of arguments about privacy and their desire for privacy across my dash.  I think it’s very obvious that they have reclaimed a lot of privacy.  But I think it’s a huge leap to claim that that’s the reason that they haven’t come out, partiucularly when there’s a much more obvious answer.

I’m a materialist girl, and so I am going to look at what’s going on financially first, and there’s a huge amount of money on the line for Harry’s career.  I think it’s unfortunate that fandom refuses to discuss that, because I think the implications of that refusal are quite fucked up.  I think there’s a reasonably strong belief that it wouldn’t be OK that Harry is closeted, because a huge part of his audience is invested in a romantic fantasy boyfriend version of him.  And that’s why people don’t talk about the extremely obvious, because they don’t want to acknowledge it.  But I think that ends up blaming LGBTQ people for their oppression. If society cuts off opportunities for queer entertainers if they come out (which it does), the problem there is society.  And I think it’s really homophobic to suggest that there are wrong ways of navigating the closet. 

Ultimately I don’t think the line of question you focus on - how should fans talk about their closet in the future - is a particularly useful one. Thefuture was always unknowable, and feels much more unknowable than ever right now.  We don’t know what Harry or Louis’ short, medium, or long term plans are.  Or what might change so they end up living completely different lives from what they imagine.  I think there is a lot to say about the closet in the present (and their recent past), there’s no need to suggest we know what 2025, let alone 2035 will look like (or not look like).  

[migleefulmoments]

CCers and Donald Trump both love to rage and spin up their followers but neither knows how to handle the anger they generate

If you are going to spend your time frothing up your followers into an angry hornets nest of hate and frustration, you have to be prepared for dealing with that anger.  The current crop of “leaders” have no idea. They acting righteously indignant when the anger comes back on Darren. If they spend any amount of time reading what they wrote with a critical eye they would see that everything expressed by crissvoncolfer reflects the various tropes ccers love so much. Crissvoncolfer is missing the crucial step after hearing all of Darren’s failures one is supposed to immediately feel pity for Darren and blame those who surround him but NEVER DARREN. Nothing Darren does is his responsibility.

The ccers are like republicans -they want to find fault with everything he does, blame everyone around him for his failures but then give him mountains of credit for his successes. It’s like the American Capitalism under republicans- privatized profits and socialized losses (need proof- look no further than the bailout packages that went to mega wealthy corporations (a few which were caught and did give the money back), airlines, and now they are pushing for the automobile industry next but we CANNOT afford socialized medicine and we need to make cuts to social security-something we pay into- and Medicare- something that works -after they gave billionaires a huge tax cut).  

I really want to point out Notes post because it offeneded me the most.  Chrisdare is again speaking for all the gays while pretending she isn’t and Cassie is playing a version of “I’m not racist because I have black friends” switched to “Darren isn’t hurting the LGBTQ community by hiding in the closet because so many gay people say he’s nice”.  If Darren did all the things they claim ccDarren does, he would be pretty toxic. It’s not about letting him come out on his own terms, it’s about the many lies ccDarren has spun in order to protect his truth... all while living with Chris. Claiming that young gay kids wouldn’t be harmed by his message of “being gay is awesome but I”m straight”.  It’s one thing to hide in the closet publically but to get married in a lavish wedding week and to speak so freely on his wife and happy marriage make him ineligible for his ccstatus as an innocent gay icon who’s just too scared to come out this month, year, decade...maybe in the next decade?  

As for Cassie- maybe quarantine is getting to her...too much time with her dream lover? 

crissvoncolfer You know the more he talks about the beard and the strip club with a fucking smile on his face the more he’s going to look like a lying asshole when all of this comes out. He already looks like one to a lot of people in the lgbt community.

PS Fellow queer K/Michale deserves to be called out for feeding the beast when he knows what the score is. I don’t care if he needs the work.

chrisdarebashfulsmiles You know I’m tired of this. I can’t talk for all the lgbt community but my opinion is it would be hypocritical by people of our community being judgmental shit towards D.

I’m part of it and I don’t care what he has to do most of the time because the struggle is real and I know how hard can be in some environment to be not out for whatever reason. And I’m only a pan person who can talk like a straight one like R/aymond A/insley of HW seems white in the industry.

I don’t think that the community thinks D is good only when he helps to raise money… Otherwise shame on us as community… Really.

Let’s stop saying that he already looks like an asshole for a big part of the lgbt community. I don’t think we have made a poll to know for sure about it. What I see, personal experience, to be pressed about him are most of the time straight relative or friends of lgbt people who think they can dictate when that man has to publicly come out for their consumption and don’t really understand what a coming out could mean.

As far as I can see in every lgbtq forum checked since 2013 I’ve always found that most of the people fantasize about tap him and don’t care if he’s not out for the public.

I think we should all take a big breath and count at least until 100 before deciding to talk in the name of the community.

You think D’s is looking like an asshole? Be my guest I have no problem about it. You are part of the lgbtq community? Good. This is your opinion, valid as mine.

Let’s not talk in the name of others.

notes-from-nowhere What @chrisdarebashfulsmiles said. Most members of the LGBT+ community understand D better than anyone. And there is no way the blame is going to stay on his shoulders for long after the truth will come out.

cassie1022 Run along, you dick, and reblog that vile video for the 7,000th time. Have you SEEN how many celebs that identify as LGBTQ LOVE him? Have you? I doubt it. You think he’s an asshole? Skippy for you, I think YOU’RE an asshole. Did you forget how long NPH, Ellen, Ricky M, Wentworth M, and countless others were forced to stay in the closet? Seriously, fuck off. Leave the fandom if he makes you that miserable. (X)

[figmentof]

ourdesignatedgrapes replied to your post “Ok yes about the SC fandom being cliquey, you’re �� right and you...”

I would be very happy to hear your thoughts on SC and it's lack of diversity/ what could have been done better. I have my own thoughts but I'd really like to hear yours. Don't worry if that's a big ask, it's just something that interests me, and the more I think about it the more I conclude that SC could have done better.

Thanks for opening up this discussion with me! I never really thought anyone in this fandom wanted to talk about it because somehow having LGBT rep, albeit white, seems like it should be Enough™ and this fandom in particular tends to really avoid talking about diversity because then our favorite, heartwarming show has flaws *gasp* and that’s unacceptable!! That’s the vibe i get anyway

I think the first thing that should’ve been done would’ve been to just name-drop more poc celebs as Alexis or David’s exes. It’s bare minimum and doesn’t really do all THAT much but it’s a start? The next thing would be getting rid of Ray’s subtle but obvious Indian accent, seeing as Rizwan Manji legit doesn’t even have an accent and yet he has one on the show? Why????? Can we Asians for once not have an accent on a mainstream show or is that too much to ask.... Then there’s Ronnie, who, as the show has coded her, is a lesbian and seemingly butch which is nice-- but she’s also black and really aggressive towards Patrick, who is a white gay. And although it’s hilarious to watch Patrick’s people pleaser ass try his hardest to get on Ronnie’s good side and always failing, there’s..... an inherent problem there with having a black lesbian be antagonistic towards a polite white gay man. I’m sure people are gonna accuse me of not having a sense of humor and taking things so literally but there we go.

I’m sure you’ve seen the behind the scenes videos or pictures of the crew on insta/youtube, where it’s so white it’s like I’m staring at Canadian winter or something. Last I checked Toronto isn’t lacking in diversity so what’s the deal with that? Make An Effort™ at least. The writers room is white as all hell too, not to mention Dan did hire a bunch of his own friends and that makes me wonder does he have poc friends that work in the industry or..... like is Julia Chan who is half white British the only person he knows ksdjhfkjdhf

The pan aspect is refreshing and it’s pretty much SC’s main selling point because pansexual people are severely lacking in pan rep, and obviously Patrick’s entire storyline was done incredibly well. The talk/addition of diversity doesn’t take away from the queer rep but rather works alongside it. imo SC is like Parks and Rec (both with a black woman and an Indian man) except newer with better queer rep. Both shows make you feel good and you’re always in a good mood after watching them. However it’s undeniable that both shows are extremely white, at least for Parks and Rec there are more poc working behind the scenes than on SC, though the show ended in 2015 when SC premiered 👀

The Rose family had to be white because Dan and Eugene and Catherine, which alright, I’ll let that slide seeing as the journey they went on from being arrogant rich white people to being somewhat more humbled/normal is great to watch, but the supporting cast could’ve been poc. lbr Stevie could’ve easily been East Asian

Now I think Noah is incredible, I really do, I can’t see anyone else doing Patrick justice the way he does, but boy. boy imagine if David ended up in an interracial marriage with a gay moc. Wouldn’t that be something 😔Wouldn’t Patrick’s coming out story be doubly impactful if he had immigrant parents? idk

Anyway that’s my two cents lol

What parts of SC do you think they could’ve done better? I’d love to hear your thoughts as well!

[jmsa1287]

A Year in Review: The 15 Best Albums of 2018

More than the past few years, 2018 proved to be a year of consensus when it comes to music. There were a handful of artists who released must-hear albums, many of which were lauded. Ariana Grande, Troye Sivan, Drake, Beyonce and Jay Z, Kanye West and many more dropped albums we all had to stop and listen to. Some of those records appear on the list below, some don't. 

I’ve never had this short of a list in the 11 years I’ve been thinking and writing about music. Maybe it’s due to my age but despite a handful of gems, the landscape has been pretty dreadful over the past few years. 

15.  MGMT - Little Dark Age

14. Beach House - 7

13. Now, Now, -  Saved

12. Rita Ora - Phoenix

11. Oneohtrix Point Never - Age Of

10. Cat Power - Wanderer

Six years after her last album, singer-songwriter Chan Marshall a.k.a. Cat Power returned this year with the stripped down, raw and politically charged album "Wanderer." It's an effortless album that finds Marshall at her most minimal while she makes some of her biggest swings. The whispery "Woman," which features cooing from Lana Del Rey, is a hauntingly confidant song where their two voices create powerful layered sound. Marshall also adds Rihanna's ballad "Stay" to her lineup of covers and her take on the track is one Marshall's best takes on a pop song she's ever done.

09. Yumi Zouma - EP III

Although their newest EP only has four songs, Yumi Zouma's latest effort, aptly titled "EP III," is one of the year's best collection of songs. The New Zealand band have put a steady stream of their brand of shimmering dream pop. Single "In Camera" is a dazzling disco thumper that finds Yumi Zouma at the top of their craft. "Powder Blue / Cascine Park" is another highlight, a cool and slinky jam that comes with a soaring chorus. Yumi Zouma have two LPs under their belt but they seem to function best with EPs, offering small bursts of blissful musical sunshine.

08. Troye Sivan - Bloom

Troye Sivan's sophomore album "Bloom" is a radical shift for the out singer. It signaled a more mature and sophisticated sound, which fans noticed with his first single, the George Michael inspired "My My My!" a confidant explosion of love. The album's title track is radical queer expression — one not really heard in pop music before. Bluntly put, it's about bottoming, so says Sivan. More than that, it's a catchy bop. The same goes for the electrifying "Lucky Strike" and "Dance to This," which features Ariana Grande. "Bloom" also tender moments like the stellar "The Good Side" and the moving ballad "Postcard," featuring Gordi.

07. Ariana Grande - Sweetener

No doubt that Ariana Grande ruled 2018, easily one of the most talked about celebs thanks to her whirlwind engagement and breakup with "Saturday Night Live" star Pete Davidson, the tragic death of her ex-boyfriend rapper Mac Miller and, of course, "Sweetener," her fourth album. Though her most successful song of the year, "Thank U, Next," is from her upcoming fifth album, "Sweetener" is a powerful and emotional journey. It finds Grande working through her emotions about the Manchester Arena Bombing, her relationship with Miller and the highs of her romance with Davidson. With top-line producers (Pharrell, Max Martin, Hit-Boy and more), "Sweetener" has the confessionalism of a Taylor Swift album but the soul of Grande.

06. Sophie - Oil of Every Pearl's Un-Insides

Sophie's debut album "Oil of Every Pearl's Un-Insides" is a departure of sorts. The producer and musician previously released amped up pop songs — so sugary it would instantly give you a toothache. That glossy pop sound that sounds like music processed through a whacky funhouse mirror is found rarely found on Sophie's album. Instead, it's a deeply personal experimental effort that finds Sophie at her most venerable, like the raw balled "It's Okay to Cry," a queer anthem about self-acceptance. "Is It Cold in the Water?" is an atmospheric and painful ballad that flows and erupts with anger. "Ponyboy" is Sophie's sexiest song and the intense "Faceshopping" is another powerful song about identity. "Oil..." is an album that defies expectations and is incredibly rewarding.

05. Let’s Eat Grandma - I’m All Ears

The British duo Jenny Hollingworth and Rosa Walton made one of the most vibrant and impressive albums of the year. Under the name Let's Eat Grandma, "I'm All Ears" is a fantastical experimental record, that's both playful and fascinating. Skewering pop music with electrifying songs like "Hot Pink," "Falling into Me" and LP highlight "It's Not Just Me." Closing the album is the stirring ambient ballad "Ava" and the 11-minute "Donnie Darko," bonkers and epic synthy ride that solidifies Let's Eat Grandma as the future of pop music.

04. Mariah Carey - Caution

Mariah Carey's 15th album "Caution" may be her worst-selling albums since "Glitter," but it happens to be one of her best efforts in years. The compact 10-track album (a departure for most pop stars who usually offer an exhausting 15-20 tracks) is solid from front-to-back. Working with fresh producers, ranging from Poo Bear, DJ Mustard, Ninteen85, Blood Orange and even Skrillex, and veterans (Timbaland!), "Caution" is a sexy R&B album that finds Carey, who gets writing and producing credits on every track, figuring out the latest phase of her career. She never strains her vocals or even bothers for those iconic high-range Mimi notes: "GTFO" is a hilarious and sultry breakup song, "A No No" is another sexy and funny standout as is "The Distance," featuring Ty Dolla $ign.

03. The 1975 - A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships

The British band the 1975's third album "A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships" is their most ambitious and sprawling offering yet. Though it takes on a number of heavy topics, like lead singer Matty Healy's rehab and addiction as well as global issues like Black Lives Matter, #MeToo, the death of Lil Peep and so much more, "A Brief Inquiry" is beautifully positive; a glowing piece of music that offers hope in a chaotic and messed up world. The band does this while drawing on some of the best music ever made ranging from Radiohead's "acoustic" album "The Bends," the sophistipop U.K. band the Blue Nile, Kanye West, electro dubstep musician Burial, the Talking Heads, Justin Bieber, Michael Bolton and so much more. "I Love it if We Made it" is a hopeful anthem for a generation and the thesis of "A Brief Inquiry," an album that tells us the world is shit but there's still light at the end of the tunnel.

02. Robyn - Honey

Robyn's last album "Body Talk" from 2010 contained some of the best music of the 21st century, namely "Dancing On My Own." There were plenty of other highlights ("Hang with Me," "Call Your Girlfriend") but looking back eight years later, it's a flawed album. "Honey" is the inverse of "Body Talk." From start to finish there isn't one skippable song. The highs are higher on "Body Talk" and Robyn doesn't even bother trying to top "DONMO." Instead, the Swedish pop star unleashed a beautiful dance album that's sexy and emotional. On "Body Talk," she told fans she was a femmebot. On "Honey," she's a "Human Being" — a stunning and hypnotic song finding Robyn at her most personal. Elsewhere, "Because it's in the Music" is a shimmering nu-disco banger about a broken romance, "Beach 2k20" is a novelty song that sounds like it's the theme for a TV show about a cruise ship that sails across the universe. Closer "Ever Again" is a pulsating and glittery jazzercize-like jam where Robyn is at her most venerable and confessional: "Never gonna be brokenhearted / Ever again / (That shit's out the door) / I'm only gonna sing about love / Ever again."

01. Kacey Musgraves - Golden Hour

Kacey Musgraves' third album "Golden Hour" finds the country singer at her peak. Always a clever songwriter, Musgraves outdid herself here, penning some of the best songs of her career, including the breakup ballad "Space Cowboy" and the disco-country bop "High Horse." "Golden Hour" is a record, that sounds like it was inspired by Beck's iconic breakup album "Sea Change," that finds Musgraves going big and small, contemplating life, love and her relationships. The melancholy "Lonely Weekend" strums along until she hits you with the lyric: "I got a million things to do, but I haven't done a single one, no / And if my sister lived in town, I know that we'd be doin' something fun." The interlude "Mother," is a small devastating song that packs the biggest punch on "Golden Hour." "I'm just sitting here thinking 'bout the time that's slipping / And missing my mother, mother / And she's probably sitting there / Thinking 'bout the time that's slipping / And missing her mother, mother." Still, she makes room on the album to sing about drinking, doing drugs but infuses every second on "Golden Hour" with humanity that's earth-shatteringly touching.

[robronsecretsanta]

a madness to the method

(AO3)

Rating: E

For @notforonesecond . Merry Christmas! From your Secret Santa. May this bring you as much joy as your presence on here brings me.

:::::

He stands there, script page in hand and a growing pit in his stomach, as Robert Sugden walks up to him with a grin.

“What you waiting for? Get your kit off.”

:::::

It’s his third big role, but the first one that actually means something, Aaron having acted in a couple of big-budget blockbuster films to date; the last two even giving him some lines and some stunts, the latter of which he’d done himself. But so far most of his career has involved plenty of little-known stage work and a few well-received indies, as well as a particularly popular episode of Black Mirror.

He’s fairly certain that’s what landed him this script, his wide body of emotionally driven work. Not every day a Frank Clayton production sends a part your way. Not every day Harriet Finch is attached to direct. (Aaron’s pretty sure he’s one of the few people who’s seen the entirety of her oeuvre, even purchased some of the early stuff on DVD, forcing his best mate Adam to sit through whole movie marathons of her work, dissecting every shot inch by inch.)

The film’s a period piece about two young men who fall in love as a war looms over them; two lovers star-crossed in one of the worst ways possible. Both stuck going to war terrified the other won’t come home. Only they do, if not a little emotionally scarred and a little physically injured. The reunion is emotionally sweet and full of hope — exactly the kind of story Aaron wishes he could have grown up with. Because sometimes a happy ending really makes a difference. He’d almost learned that hard way.  

“You sure you want to do this?” His mother asks, curled up on his sofa in his flat in North London and peaking up at him with big brown eyes through dark, bit-too-long bangs. “People might start asking whether you’re gay, love.”

Aaron understands her concerns and where she’s coming from. Doesn’t stop him from shrugging them off and holding firm to the feeling in his gut.

“Let them,” he says, lips downturned at the corners as he paces across the living room determinedly. “Not got anything to hide, have I?”

Despite all his bravado, there’s a flicker of doubt. If this somewhat calculated risk doesn’t pan out, it could be the end of the upward trajectory of his acting career. For all it’s progress on the LGBTQIA-depiction front, Hollywood itself isn’t as accepting of openly queer actors. And while Aaron won’t miss the perks of rising fame at all, he will miss getting to work on more interesting projects or movies, like this one.

Still, Aaron Dingle has never been a liar, and he’s not going to start now. Especially when it comes to his sexuality.

:::::

His agent, a no-nonsense woman named Priya, approves of his decision immediately. She knows he’s gay, has known from the start. But it’s never affected her decision to take him on as a client. (It’s one of the reasons Aaron’s stuck with her so long; tying his rising star to her job.)

“You’ve certainly got the talent and the range to pull this off,” she states and it feels less like a dream and more like reality. “With Finch directing it, this could become potential Oscar material. This part’ll definitely get you noticed.”

Aaron smiles and nods along, because that is nice he supposes. He’s just glad the production company don’t want yet another audition, or even a chemistry read with his yet-to-be-announced co-star. He’s sick of them at this point.

“Who’s the other lead?” He asks, fingers picking at each other, left knee bouncing in the chair. He’s about ready to leave Priya’s office. But the second he hears her answer, he’s stuck bolted to his seat. His mind reeling with the news of it.

Robert Sugden.

:::::

To say he’s heard of Robert Sugden is the understatement of the century. If anything, he’s the one responsible for Aaron’s sexual awakening.

Like most teenage boys his age, he’d been obsessed with the Transformers movies. Only unlike his best mate Adam, he didn’t fall asleep and wake up hard to thoughts of the hot female lead. No, despite his best attempts at the time, his mind always drifted to the slightly older but also teenaged Robert Sugden; the son of a famous actor who’d also made it big quite young, starring in at least two popular TV series. (In hindsight, Aaron’s desire to purchase and put up a shirtless poster of Robert on his bedroom wall should have been a big hint as to his nascent gayness. But like all sexually confused teenagers he’d managed to convince himself he was more into the trucks instead; that he wanted to be Robert Sugden, not be with him.)

He’d spent a full summer when he was 15 watching his way through Robert’s early work, bingeing that one popular science fiction series where he and a group of teens investigated strange paranormal phenomena at their English boarding school. A part of him had come alive when a body-swap episode had caused Robert’s character’s body to be a possessed by a female friend’s, resulting in him kissing and making out with her boyfriend who’d been played by Pete Barton. (Aaron had spent the ensuing weeks reading and rewatching everything to with those few minutes of airtime, refusing to let anyone play over his recording. He’d worn out the tape till it could play no longer.)  

The first time he’d come was a few weeks later, Robert’s name on his lips as he’d pictured being kissed by him, his hand moving up and down the length of his naked shaft faster and faster; rock hard and aching at just the thought of him.

Robert. Fucking. Sugden.

What are the odds?

He doesn’t know whether to quit the project or just die of mortification. How is he supposed to act against someone he’s had those kinds of thoughts about? (He’s never had limits for who you should love and be with. After all, that would be a tad hypocritical of him. But some lines shouldn’t be crossed, no matter the project, and he’s fairly convinced this is one of them.)

He mentions this to Adam when he comes over to play FIFA on the PS4 later, only his best mate doesn’t quite seem to get it. Though to be fair, he’s never really had to deal with this, has he?

“So what? You used to jerk off to him. Big deal!” Adam shrugs, cycling through the options and picking his players. “If I said I’d avoid every female celeb I did that with, I wouldn’t be able to work with any of them.”

Aaron makes a face, even if he does concede that Adam has a point — not that he’s out there having to act against… (He’s actually not sure who this week’s flavour of the month is. Adam’s feelings of attraction waxing and waning like the moon.)

“Though,” Adam says, turning to look at him when he’s satisfied with his choices. “His sister Victoria is pretty fit. Do you think you could get her number?”

Aaron tosses a cushion at his face. Leave it to Adam to miss the point completely.

It bounces off and falls onto Adam’s lap, he picks it up and places it beside him.

When he turns toward Aaron this time, he looks a lot more serious, an earnestness in his gaze that wasn’t there before.

“Listen,” he says, voice soft yet firm. “You’ve wanted to be in one of Finch’s movies ever since I’ve known ya. Don’t back out now just because of Sugden.”

Aaron nods, though he’s still not convinced. Adam must see it because he then adds, “You’ll do fine. You’re an amazing actor. That’s why they wanted you for this part, you know, instead of me.”

Aaron shoots him a look and Adam just shrugs. Turns his attention back to the TV screen as he says, “What? I’m a scene stealer. Everyone knows that.”

That triggers a laugh and when it’s over, Aaron feels a lot lighter. But even as they both accept their team and kit selections and start the game, his mind drifts back to a young, shirtless Robert…

:::::

He keeps the part after all, the announcement making some waves in the press. However, any intrusiveness into his personal life is circumvented by the latest news about Robert. Rumour has it that he’s up for consideration as the new James Bond. Aaron had laughed when he’d first read the news. But laying in bed, later that night, he can’t help but picture Robert in a trademark suit, smirking down the barrel of a gun, the way he’s become known for.

It’s enough to make him shaken and stirred — not that he lifts a finger to relieve himself of the dull, building throb. (If there’s one thing Aaron Dingle’s sure about, it’s that it’s impolite to pleasure oneself to the thoughts of an upcoming co-star. Even if they were the starring role in his teenage fantasies.)

He ends up taking a cold shower instead.

:::::

Meeting Harriet Finch is everything like he’d imagined, and yet nothing like it at all.

Aaron spends all morning practicing what he wants to say to her, pacing back and forth in his newly assigned trailer — which happens to be both bigger and more luxurious than he’d expected. None of the words of praise he’s wanted to lavish her with seeming right for the moment, or even worthy of her, but he keeps practicing all the same.

That’s why he’s thrown when she comes to see him, telling him how much she’d enjoyed his turn in a small play he’d done last summer as a favour to an old friend (and ex-boyfriend), Ed.

She smiles at him with kind, dark eyes and outlines the many ways in which he’d knocked that role out of the park, followed by his performance in those few movies and, of course, Black Mirror.

“I knew you were the right man for the part the moment I saw you,” she says, voice like a warm woollen blanket, the words wrapping him up in a cocoon of comfort. “You’ll make a marvellous ‘Thomas.’ I just know it. I’m glad to have you on this project.”

But just as he’s basking in the glow of her reassurance, she asks the dreaded question.

“Have you met Robert Sugden?”

:::::

If first meetings dictate how the rest of a working relationship might go, Robert and Aaron’s is already off to a really bad start.

He’d shown up to Robert’s trailer and gone in after knocking a few times, only to find him in the throes of being orally pleasured.

Aaron hadn’t recognised the woman, just seen the back of her head, as she’d kneeled in front of Robert and blown him. Robert was sitting on the edge of his trailer’s bed and leaning back, both arms supporting his weight across the still-made comforter. His shirt was unbuttoned and he’d got his leather jacket on, neck exposed as he half lay there jerking and groaning.

He’d seemed to sense Aaron because Robert had looked up at once, locking eyes across the short distance. He’d given him a long hard look, then flashed him a wink and a smile, before closing his eyes and coming into the woman’s mouth not very long after.

Cheeks reddening and more than a little shocked, Aaron had turned and bolted. He’d wanted to spare that poor woman the embarrassment of knowing he’d seen this happening, but more importantly, process it all himself.

Standing in his own trailer he wants to kick himself for being such a goddamn fool. The tabloids had been reporting this side of Robert Sugden for years on end. But Aaron had ignored them because that’s what you were supposed to do. (And maybe, he tries not to acknowledge as his heart continues to pound, because it had ruined his fantasy of Robert and his younger self.)

But for all his talent — and he has plenty of it — Robert Sugden has always been a bit of a playboy; has the ex-wife and half a dozen ex-girlfriends to prove it. The result of this is a respectable body of work, but no one noticing because of all the gossip. (Aaron had once suspected this was Robert trying to undersell himself, maybe a bit nervous of all the extended limelight. He’d grown up Jack Sugden’s son, had had to bear that mantle, while also carving a name for himself, with not much room for error.)

Any sympathy he’d once felt though, has now been stripped away, replaced with cold, hard knowledge. Robert Sugden actually enjoys behaving like this, and Aaron can’t believe he’d liked him.

As he starts pacing, his heart still racing, Aaron gets madder and madder. They’ve both been given a golden opportunity being cast in these roles, and it’s something Robert wants to squander?

He’d wanted to walk away from this project because he’d been worried about his own personal hang-ups. Not wanting any former feelings for Robert to affect his performance. But now all he can think about is Robert’s smile and his wink, as if showing off his sexual prowess to Aaron.

This feels good, and I made that happen. Maybe I can do that for you as well?

Aaron growls, feels like punching something nearby, hating the small part of him that had kind of enjoyed it; that place deep within himself that still tends a tiny flame devoted to Robert Sugden; that place that had enjoyed watching him come.

It’s not your fault, Aaron tells himself, trying to banish the recent memory from his mind — though he’d spent years picturing and imaging exactly that. Him blowing Robert and feeling him coming under him, his palms flat against his thighs. (Sometimes he’d imagine the flip of it too. Him coming apart in Robert’s hands, his mouth smirking as Aaron comes right into it.)

He’s just managed to get rid of it, when he hears a dry chuckle, spins around to find Robert standing in his trailer, blue shirt all buttoned and jeans up and belted, like that midday blowjob hadn’t happened.

He smiles at him, blue-green eyes glittering, “So I take it you’re Aaron Dingle.”

It sends a thrill up his neck, short hairs lightly lifting, at the prospect of Robert Sugden saying his name. But then annoyance sets in as that memory comes back and Aaron grunts his affirmation.

“What do you want?”

Robert doesn’t seem deterred, doesn’t even seem to clock his rudeness. Just smiles at him like he said something funny. “To apologise. That wasn’t how I’d pictured our first meeting.”

“Why? You plan on having your cock in someone else’s mouth?” Aaron fires back, a little shocked that Robert had ever given meeting him any thought.

Robert’s eyes widen at the accusation, but whatever it is that came over him passes because he laughs and clears his throat. “No. Wasn’t planning to, actually. Just wanted to tell you what a big fan I am.”

His eyes flit away, and his smile kind of softens. Robert looks back at Aaron. “And that I’m looking forward to us working together.”

If Aaron hadn’t seen what he’d seen, he’d believe every word of this, Robert coming across well-meaning and earnest. But then he remembers just how good of an actor his co-star-to-be really is and snorts. “Nice try. Hope you’re better on camera.”

Robert winces at that, but his smile remains, even if it’s starting to look a little brittle.

“I’m sorry about what happened, alright?” Robert says, frustration colouring his voice at the edges. Aaron can see that this really is paining him; Robert not that good of an actor. “Let’s start over.”

He takes a step forward and holds out his hand. “Hi. I’m Robert Sugden.”

Aaron ignores it, crosses his arms across his chest.

“I know who you are,” he spits out.

Robert looks confused, studies him further before withdrawing his hand and eventually letting it drop. He puts it in his jacket pocket and renews his smile at Aaron. It’s just as small and soft as earlier.

“I’m trying, you know,” he says and Aaron can feel himself willing to give him that inch, to soften and forgive Robert so they can start over. But then he thinks about how smug and cocky he’d been just before he’d come right in front of him, and a wave of pulsing, hot annoyance shoots right through him.

“Then try harder,” Aaron half-growls, taking a small step further. And then, “And maybe try keepin’ your dick to yourself.”

:::::

Production kicks off without any further hitches, and he quickly gets to know the rest of their cast and crew — even becoming friends with a production assistant named Ellis.

Though most of the time Aaron just stays put in his trailer, constantly rehearsing and working on his character.

Harriet seems happy with his performance so far, giving him any extra takes he wants to do. But Aaron hasn’t been able to get in a groove that makes him truly happy; where he has an understanding of his character inside and out.

From the script, his own chat with Harriet, and the homework he’s done, he knows “Thomas James” to be a straightforward fellow, a little tentative, but earnest with his feelings.

He’s a farmer who owns and works his own farm, before one day he runs into Felix, his new and struggling neighbour. Felix’s family has lost most of their estate; bad debts and investments before the beginnings of the war hit. All they have now, is this one farm to their name, and Felix, a city boy — or rather, man — through and through has no clue how to run it.

Unable to stand it, Thomas steps in to help him, and Felix promises to do his accounts in trade. Thomas agrees, the spark between them growing and burning brighter.

Robert and he have played and shot a handful of those initial scenes, mostly set up for the rest of the story. But as their characters have seemed to find an easy camaraderie, there barely exists one between them.

For his part, Robert hasn’t really paused his efforts to win Aaron over, always making jokes and trying to give him an opening. Internally, Aaron struggles not to let go and give in, not having run into Robert with his cock down someone else’s throat since.

He doesn’t understand how Robert can just switch into his role and then right out of it, a slippery fish if there ever was one. He throws on Felix’s skin like it’s one of those button-up shirts he so favours, constantly remaining in costume longer than needed. (Aaron actually doesn’t mind that because it’s easy on the eyes and for their characters, Robert wearing 1920 period garb like he was born for it.)

Felix is smart and inept, but also charming and funny, a gay man in his shell, with no real interest in marriage. Just a blushing eye turned towards Thomas.

And that’s the part that kind of stings in their scenes, because it’s in those moments that Aaron feels he can really see the Robert he once had a crush on; a hint of him shining through.

It’s in Robert’s small smiles and the soft in his eyes, the blue-green of them a warm summer ocean.

But then Harriet says, “Cut” and it all disappears, Robert’s eyes growing cooler, his body more indifferent; tensed and held in a way he doesn’t when he’s Felix, like he’s holding a deep breath in.

That’s the first thing Aaron notices as they take a break before they shoot their first big scene, a first kiss where both men realise their mutual attraction.

They’re standing in a field, where Felix’s tractor has broken down, and Thomas has ridden up in his horse to help fix it.

As Aaron walks through the wet grass, his period accurate boots and jeans sinking into the mud a little, he gets his first glimpse of Robert.

His shirt sleeves are rolled back and his brow is plastered with sweat. He’s clearly been out in a full afternoon of labour.

They go through the dialogue, Felix directing Thomas to the back of the tractor, some kind of malfunction trapped within it. Thomas gives it a look, and Aaron produces a short grunt of surveyance, really giving it a decent study.

Then exhaling slowly he offers Thomas’ suggestion, that sometimes you just need to push it. He does as he says, and gives the tractor a shove, before letting his knees soften and himself fall forward in the muck.

Above him, he can hear Robert’s laughter bursting forth loud and clear, and he knows instantly it’s not his acting as Felix. He turns to his side and shoots Robert a dirty look, but in his chest his heart skips a beat at it.

Finally springing into action Felix leans forward and offers Thomas a hand, Robert bending and extending his hand out. The laughter still shines in his eyes, even if it’s not coming out his lips, his breath still short and him still panting.

Something surges in Aaron and he feels Thomas’ quiet sense of humour, reaches up and pulls Robert down towards him.

Robert captures all of Felix’ (and probably some of his own) surprise, his own knees bending as he falls atop Aaron; the hard firmness of his limbs utterly unexpected, and yet fitting against him perfectly.

He’s now laying on his back in the mud, feeling the cold soak into his tough warm denim, the flannel of his shirt doing little to protect him. But none of that matters as Robert gazes down at him, both their chests pressed together.

The script says this is where Felix kisses Thomas, too physically close for any more doubted restraint. Only Robert hasn’t moved, just keeps on laying there, mere centimetres away, his eyes trained down on Aaron’s lips, as if frozen by disbelief and nervousness.

Probably just nervous about kissing another man, Aaron thinks, flashing back to Robert kissing Pete Barton, and the way his hands had cupped his face. Probably worried that this time someone might think he’s gay.

Deep inside Aaron, something aches. He lets out a small, frustrated huff, his head relaxing back into the wet dirt, resigning himself to a long wait.

And then it’s like something snaps, because Robert leans forward, lunging for his lips with everything he has; his tongue barely waiting as Aaron’s lips part. (They hadn’t rehearsed this, or even really discussed it. Aaron not wanting to spend more time around Robert than entirely necessary.)

But as he lays here now, Aaron can’t help but give himself over to it, letting Robert’s fingers skim his sides before they bunch up in the warmth of his flannel shirt, his hands finding their way onto Robert’s lower back and his hair. He holds Robert’s head firm as he deepens the kiss. His co-star isn’t the only one who can improvise.

He doesn’t feel the lack of oxygen until the tail end of a groan, too deep into it to know if it’s from him or Robert.

When they pull apart both of them are panting. Robert’s gaze comes back up and they lock eyes again, a lock of his blonde hair dropping onto Aaron’s forehead, as his breath continues to tickle his lips; both wet and a little blitzed.

Deep in the depths of Robert’s green and blues, Aaron sees a spark of searching nervousness and hesitation. He brushes that bit of hair back almost without thinking; an unconscious act of soothing.

He can hear Robert’s breath hitch at the feel of his thumb pad on his skin, sees the way his eyes drop back down to Aaron’s lips. No longer nervous, and still barely thinking, Aaron leans up and presses another kiss to his lips, this time a more sweet and chaste one.

When he pulls back, Robert still has his eyes closed, almost cute in his stunned still surprise. Aaron finds himself smiling and recording this picture mentally; filled with the desire to go back in time and tell himself, “We kissed Robert Sugden!”

Robert opens his eyes and a second later Harriet yells, “Cut!” Aaron can’t help but feel interrupted.

What did you want to say? He wants to ask, as they both get to their feet. Aaron barely makes an attempt to clean himself off. He knows he needs a good shower.

Next to him, Robert seems to be avoiding his eyes, focusing a little too hard on dusting his pants off. Aaron tries not to spend too much time admiring his bum in the process.

They’re walking off set, when Robert makes the joke, voice flippant and tone just insulting.

“Feel like hitting a strip club, eh?” He says with what is meant to be a playful nudge. “Need to see some naked tits, pronto.”

It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, this being a movie and all, but it still stings hard and deep all the same.

Aaron feels hot anger come over him without much warning, and he explodes back at Robert in a rage.

“All of this is just one big joke to ya, isn’t it?” He practically spits out the words in a low, angry growl as he shoves Robert backwards into a nearby trailer.

He doesn’t care if anyone’s nearby, or if they even see him. All he can see and hear is Robert.

“These are people’s lives,” he continues, the line of his right forearm held against Robert’s chest, constricting the way he breathes slightly. “Do you even get that?”

“It’s just a joke,” Robert answers, sounding both defensive and soft.

Aaron couldn’t give a toss about it.

“Excuse me if I don’t think bein’ gay is funny,” he fires back, leans in a little and lets the anger radiate off his face, hoping Robert gets the message.

Apparently, he does, because his eyes just widen, and then he’s saying, “Aaron, I’m sorry. I didn’t-“

He knows he’s not exactly hiding his sexuality, but Aaron isn’t really advertising it either, so it sends him reeling back the second he realises Robert has figured out he’s gay.

He stands there panting, anger being replaced by panic, the air evacuating his lungs just as his heart takes residence in his ears.

He turns and walks away before his balance decides to go, can feel his knees weakening with each step he takes; thinks he hears Robert calling at him in the distance.

Calling him because he knows this thing about him.

Calling him because he knows he’s gay.

Shit.

:::::

He’s exiting his trailer when he runs into Robert again. Aaron almost bolts the instant he sees him — only to realise he’s blocking his way.

“Aaron, wait,” Robert pleads, looking up at him from the bottom of those short metal stairs. Aaron almost turns around and goes back inside.

But then he notices that Robert is still in his costume — which is not too much of a surprise — but it’s a sign that he’s been waiting outside this entire time. As much as he doesn’t want to, Aaron knows he must honour that. From what he’s seen, Robert Sugden does that for no one.

“You going to invite me inside?” Robert asks when he sees Aaron willingly to stick around in his trailer doorway.. His attempt at a teasing smile fades when he gets Aaron’s answer.

“Whatever you want to say in there, you can say out here.” Aaron crosses his hoodie-covered arms across his chest, retaining the warmth within it.

Robert nods, and takes one step higher, making this whole conversation a little more private. Aaron can smell him, even standing a few inches away; the intermingled scent of mud and sweat and Robert. (The note is slightly floral but kind of muted like Lavender, but Aaron can’t be sure because he doesn’t know flowers.)

“Sorry I made those jokes earlier,” Robert says softly, and Aaron can see that he’s being absolutely serious. “I don’t think being gay is funny…”

Aaron doesn’t say anything, just keeps on watching. He can see that Robert is on the edge of something.

After what feels likes very long pause, it finally drops. “… because I’m actually bisexual.”

He can’t seem to meet Aaron’s eyes as he says that, his cheeks going pink as he looks away and to the left. Standing this close Aaron can feel the tension radiating off of him in waves, coming over him in rapid succession.

Aaron swallows, not sure what exactly to make of it; his teenage dreams all coming true in an instant. So he bites his tongue and holds back his first three replies, and then offers the one he feels is most supportive.

“Thanks for telling me,” he says and he finds that he means it. He’s actually a little touched by Robert’s choice to trust him.

“Figured it was the least I owe you,” Robert says with a shy smile, and for a second Aaron really feels like he’s looking at Felix.

His inner Thomas makes him return it.

“That why you wanted to do this movie?” Aaron asks when the moment eventually passes. It’s a big question he knows, but he needs an answer.

“No, actually,” Robert explains with a chuckle, something raw and unguarded about him now. Like he’s been acting this entire time Aaron has known him.

“I’m a big fan of hers,” Robert says with an excited smile. “She was my mum’s favourite director.”

Aaron gets it and gives him a nod. “Yeah, I’m a big fan myself.”

Robert grins at this little piece of information, a bigger reward than he was expecting.

“Guess this means we should definitely be friends,” Robert suggests, shyness still lacing his voice. “Don’t know many people who’ve even heard of Harriet.”

Aaron studies Robert, takes the entirety of him in, considers it and then shrugs. “Guess you’re not a complete idiot.”

Robert’s smile when he says that is radiant.

:::::

That night he dreams of Robert, the same one he’d had when he was fifteen. Only this time his brain fills in all the missing details.

He needs another shower in the morning.

:::::

Things improve on set by a thousandfold. Robert’s one-sided jibes giving way to Aaron returning them, both of them ribbing and teasing each other between takes. Robert somehow becomes a mainstay on his trailer’s sofa, as they hang out a lot more between scenes, running lines and even whole scenes together.

They seem to have found a quiet understanding when it comes to each other and their space.. (Though, coming out to each other does that, Aaron supposes.)

It’s crazy, but he genuinely thinks it makes both of their scenes better. Both of them now freer with how they move and touch each other. Aaron had once read somewhere that it has to do with the language of how queer people sometimes act and speak; a quiet understanding of how love can be writ across their bodies. He doesn’t know how much he agrees with that exactly. But he does feel it when Robert hugs him as Felix.

It’s a gentle gesture, Robert coming from behind and embracing him around the waist, one hand coming up to rest over Aaron’s heart. Aaron presses those fingers close to his chest, letting Robert feel the steady rise of his heartbeat as he sinks back into him; Thomas leaning into Felix.

They stand like that in silence for a moment longer, Robert’s chin on Aaron’s shoulder, both of them

bathing in the pale sunlight of a cool autumn morning, as filtered through the dusty windows of Thomas’ work shed.

It’s as they’re standing, silently breathing and hearts quickly beating that Aaron is seized by a sudden urge. Following the wave of it, he brings Robert’s fingers up to his lips, gently pressing a kiss on each knuckle as if soothing away newly-formed blisters — the results of Felix’ recent hard labour.

The moment his lips touch skin he hears Robert’s breath hitch, but it only guides him forward. He holds that last kiss longest, before pulling away and spinning them around, Robert’s back now pressing into the edge of Thomas’ workstation, their hands caught between them; Aaron’s fingers wrapped around Robert’s wrist, his thumb resting on his speeding pulse.

Robert for his part, seems to be trusting Aaron implicitly as he gazes down at Aaron first with surprise and then excitement. He smiles softly, clearly anticipating a kiss. Aaron smiles back and obliges him.

It’s completely unscripted and wholly them and yet none of it feels any bit of wrong. Aaron leans forward, slowly edging closer, his eyes locked into Robert’s. He hovers for a second, feels his breath bounce off Robert’s lips, then dips forward and claims them.

This kiss doesn’t progress as quickly as the first one did, Robert letting Aaron set the pace by which they go by. So he takes his time, focuses on nipping at Robert’s bottom lip; gentle kisses that should convey Thomas’ affections.

But then Robert’s hands start to slide across his back, pulling and holding him closer — only nothing about the gesture feels overtly sexual. It’s just two men standing and savouring the act of kissing, two men revelling in their affections.

They kiss a little longer, the pace still languid, Robert letting him take his sweet time, before Aaron decides to pause and not take it any further.

He pulls away, lets out his own small exhale — the matching one to Robert’s. He smiles at him, Robert returns it. Then with another small breath he leans his forehead against the other man’s; shuts his eyes and feels the feel of his skin against his own.

A few seconds pass, Robert still holding him close, Aaron feeling like he’s just survived a continuous free fall.

It’s in the middle of this that he hears Harriet’s quietly spoken words, “And that’s a wrap. Not going to get a better take than that one.”

:::::

He’s on his way off set when Robert catches up with him, grabbing his elbow to still him.

He doesn’t let go even when Aaron stops in place, only does when Aaron looks at him questioningly, despite the whole thing feeling natural.

“You doing anything later?” Robert asks, both hands in his leather jacket pockets, a leather messenger bag slung across his chest and shoulders. “Thought you might like to come over for a drink.”

Aaron considers it, gives it a long hard thought, but it must make Robert panic because he blurts out, “We can run lines or something.”

“Yeah, okay,” Aaron tells him, giving him a nod. And then, because he thinks Robert might have the wrong impression of him and he doesn’t at all like that.

“We don’t always have to work, you know. I do have other interests..”

Robert grins and nudges him in the side. Then he goes into an impression of Aaron.

“I’m Aaron Dingle and I think work is fun. If you don’t, then you’re a right idiot.”

Aaron tries not to, but he can’t stop himself chuckling, a little charmed by Robert’s intonation.

:::::

He finds that Robert’s home is nothing like he’d imagined, more lived in and comfortable than overly posh — though he has all sorts of shiny appliances in the kitchen. A mark of either a man who cooks, or just someone who likes the aesthetic. (Aaron is willing to bet it’s the first one.)

The bookshelves — of which there are two big ones — are stuffed to the gills, brimming with books threatening to fall off them. The walls, a nice calming shade of blue, are covered in posters paying homage to some of his favourite works of science fiction.

“Didn’t know you were such a nerd,” Aaron says when he’s got a drink in hand, as he looks up at a poster of The Xavier Files, the show he’d been more than a little obsessed with. Robert is standing front and centre as the star, his boarding school uniform fitting him flatteringly. (Aaron swallows, his blood growing warmer as he understands where certain fantasies might have originated from. He tries not to think about it in case he’ll need another cold shower. He’s already taken one before coming to this place.)

“You just don’t understand art,” Robert retorts, coming over to join him. He looks at the poster for a good second and then adds, “Or quality science fiction.”

Aaron snorts at that, unable to contain himself. “Think you’re using the term rather loosely. The ‘Gavoorians’? Come on.”

Robert looks at him in surprise, and maybe a hint of pleasure, as he says, “Don’t tell me youwatched it?”

Aaron goes red, feels his mouth turn dry, so he answers as honestly as he can, trying not to let the truth of the matter slip out even as he looks Robert in the eye.

“Might have caught an episode or two one summer,” he says, voice straining to remain casual. Then he adds, because he can’t help himself, “Saw the one where you kissed Pete Barton.”

Robert’s face goes from surprise to embarrassment to all-out amusement, barking a laugh with his neck tipped back, his shoulders relaxing and also dipping down. Aaron’s never seen him this joyful.

“What?” Robert says, growing suddenly conscious, his laughter fading and his body going still. His cheeks are pink as he studies Aaron.

“Nothing,” Aaron shrugs, voice above a whisper. His ears are hot, his pulse pounding. “Just wasn’t expecting this reaction, is all.”

“Well, it’s a bit of a surprise,” Robert explains, as if it all makes sense. “Didn’t think you’d have even heard of it, let alone watched it.”

“Why not? Because I don’t understand ‘science fiction’?” Aaron teases, oddly thrilled at subverting Robert’s expectations like this. “Don’t have to watch a lot to understand quality.”

“So you agree,” Robert smirks, nudging him with his elbow, a twinkle in his eye. “It is science fiction.”

Aaron snorts, nudges him back. “I suppose. But you’re really stretching the definition.”

They smile at each other, then go back to sipping their drinks, settling comfortably in the silence.

“I loved working on that show,” Robert says after quite a long beat, his voice holding a note of pride. But it’s quiet and with absolutely no hint of preening. “And kissing Pete wasn’t half bad either.”

Aaron feels his cheeks redden as he pictures it again, teenage Pete and Robert going at it.

“Did you have a crush on him, or something?” He looks down at the glass in his hand. He’d never thought he’d be having this conversation with Robert Sugden.

“God, no.” Robert shakes his head beside him. “Pete was pretty fit, but he’s pretty much as straight as they come.”

He waits a beat and then adds, “Decent kisser though.”

How about me? Am I decent too? Aaron wants to ask. But he just chuckles in amusement, enjoying this behind the scenes glimpse into one of his favourite episodes of television ever.

“But what about you?” Robert asks, turning his attention to Aaron. He finishes the last of his drink and asks, “Did you fancy him?”

His smile is conspiratorial and all kinds of knowing. His eyes are dark but inscrutable. Aaron’s cheeks redden despite himself, as he struggles not to blurt out, No. I fancied you, you idiot.

What he does manage to say, after a long moment of waiting, is, “Well, I wasn’t watching for the plot. Was I?”

It doesn’t feel like lying, because it is completely true. Though he does see the flash of something in Robert’s eyes. It disappears behind a laugh a moment later.

“No, I guess not,” Robert concedes, turning and walking over to the sofa. When he takes his seat, it’s with his legs spread wide, all the focus on his crotch. Aaron struggles to not let his gaze drift downward, keeping it trained on Robert’s face instead. And honestly, it’s worth it.

Robert’s smiling up at Aaron, buzzing with excitement. Aaron smiles back because it’s infectious.

“If you liked The Xavier Files, there’s a film you should check out,” he says, switching on his TV, Aaron no longer the focus of his attention. He pulls up Netflix, slowly searches through it, before he asks, “Have you seen The Cabin in the Woods?”

The way he’s looking at Aaron now is just pulling at all his heartstrings, an element of youth befalling all of Robert’s features. His eyes are sparkling, his smile is crooked, and his excitement is radiating off of him.

Robert Sugden: Horror fan.

“Uh, no, I haven’t,” Aaron says shaking his head to clear it. It wouldn’t do to fall for Robert Sugden again. Not when he’s a full-fledged adult. Not when he could accidentally act on it. (Aaron’s always has a rule against dating fellow co-stars or crew members. But no one’s been openly queer enough to test that — or even simply Robert Sugden.)

“Oh, you’re in for a treat,” Robert says patting the sofa seat beside him. Aaron glances at the screen where the movie is waiting, already cued up, then goes ahead and joins him. “Joss Whedon wrote and directed it.”

Even sitting next to Robert makes his heart rate spike, as does the warmth he feels from his proximity. Robert’s choice to sit in the middle of the sofa and almost spread himself out means he’s just a few fingers far away from Aaron, their hands centimetres apart on the same cushion; the dip caused by Aaron sitting causing Robert’s hand to slide a little closer to him.

He barely manages a nod when he hears Robert talk to him, asking him if he can start the movie. (He would have said yes, but his tongue has ceased to work. Another symptom of sitting next to Robert.)

The film begins and Robert reaches forward and places the remote on the coffee table and suddenly Aaron can focus once more; the thought of Robert accidentally touching him no longer playing on his mind, now free to enjoy the movie.

But as he watches the story of a group of friends — one played by Chris Hemsworth — who decide to spend a weekend in a cabin in the woods, there’s a growing sense of disappointment.

He quickly looks over to Robert’s hands in his lap, and starts to wish they were once again closer.

:::::

He doesn’t have to worry for very much longer, Robert reaching out and grabbing his forearm, when the movie presents its first real scare. Aaron isn’t expecting it, the move causing his heart rate to surge for the monster on screen itself, the feeling of warm, solid fingers clutching him clear even through thick fabric.

As it turns out Robert’s not a very passive watcher, constantly leaning over to make asides or jokes. But mostly it’s all facts he finds fun about the movie. (Aaron agrees. They’re actually quite interesting.)

It’s sweet, Aaron thinks, as he gets more and more invested, both fretting for the imperilled college students and watching Robert.

Gone is the tall and handsome actor who practically grew up in the limelight. In his stead sits a tall, handsome, and surprisingly knowledgeable genre film buff. He’s on the edge of his seat and mostly turned toward Aaron, a bit of a contrasting match to his own seating. (Aaron’s sat back, leaning on the right arm of the sofa, a little too tired to really make himself sit up properly.)

There’s another scare. Robert’s grip tightens. Aaron hides a chuckle at Robert’s expression, the shock of fear stealing the words out of his mouth. He’s left eyes wide, mouth open, and gaping. It’s almost as if this is his first time watching the movie.

Robert doesn’t seem to notice himself holding Aaron’s arm as the movie ticks on, and for his part, Aaron doesn’t alert him.

:::::

He’s enjoying the movie well enough when Robert excitedly tugs at his arm.

“This is my favourite part,” he says, before turning to look at Aaron, eyes crinkling in delight at the edges.

He’s not sure what it is in that moment — the steady warmth of Robert’s grip, the pinks of his cheeks undercutting his freckles, or the reminder of how much he used to want him — but there’s a swell in his chest and Aaron leans forward and steals a kiss from Robert.

His lips feel just like they have every other time, soft, firm, and tender. But unlike all those times they’ve kissed on camera, his co-star isn’t responding.

Panic sets in and Aaron instantly pulls back. He sees that Robert is frozen in surprise; lips barely puckered. Instantly, he realises he got carried away by his feelings, and so backtracks as quickly as possible.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, getting to his feet, Robert’s hand falling away in the process. The loss of warmth immediately starts to smart, Aaron already having gotten used to the feel of it.

“Aaron,” Robert starts, but he just cuts him off.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Aaron swallows roughly unable to look at Robert again, his embarrassment turning his stomach. He feels like he might throw up. “Better go home now. Early call time tomorrow.”

With that, Aaron bolts out of the room and then out the front door all without waiting for another word from Robert.

:::::

He doesn’t sleep a wink that night, just replays the moment in his mind.

Each time it gets worse than before, Robert looking at him in shock bordering on disgust, green-blue eyes flashing. (Aaron knows objectively that Robert didn’t actually sneer at him, but emotionally he might as well have.)

This is what happens when you let your feelings get confused, Aaron chides himself, tossing and turning, his sheets all a tangle. This is why you can’t fall for your co-star.

By the time it’s morning he’s tenser than before. But at least he knows what to say to him.

:::::

He goes to Robert’s trailer before he goes to his own, knocking on the door once and then going right in.

Immediately he’s faced with an eyeful of half-naked Robert in snug boxer-briefs, pacing the space and going over his lines by himself.

Aaron loses his voice, his throat going dry. He just stands there in stunned silence. (He has actually seen Robert without a top on a few times before this, courtesy of a few of his movies. But like with all things, real life is proving better. He’d forgotten just how many freckles he has — and how much he used to want to count them.)

Robert notices him ogling him a few seconds later, and he pauses mid-pace. Just stands there frozen, script page in hand.

“Hi,” Aaron says, for lack of anything better. He smiles nervously, both his hands tucked in his coat pockets, watching Robert quietly.

“Hey,” Robert greets back, sounding almost relieved to see him. He doesn’t look like he’s slept either — probably trying to come up with ways with which to let Aaron down gently. Aaron swallows nervously.

At least you don’t have your cock out again, he wants to joke. But now hardly feels like the time for that.

“About yesterday,” Robert begins, taking a step forward, his tone already sounding apologetic.

Aaron takes that as his cue to take over, and so springs into action.

“It was a mistake,” he says matter-of-factly, having practiced this a few times coming in. “I got carried away. Forgot we’re not Felix and Thomas. Don’t worry it won’t happen again.”

Learned my lesson the hard way.

Robert’s brow is furrowing and he doesn’t seem too pleased. Probably because Aaron is issuing a gentle let down for him. He’d figured this was the easiest way to save face: to acknowledge his crime and issue an apology, save Robert the trouble of having to do any heavy lifting.

“Besides,” Aaron says, trying to lighten the mood, even though it’s absolutely twisting him inside. “Wouldn’t want any rumours ruinin’ ya chances, eh Mr. Bond?”

He offers him a smile, but it feels too watery and shallow. He’s barely able to keep his lips turned upward for long.

Robert’s expression doesn’t soften even a bit, just grows more dark and displeasured. He opens his mouth to say something, but before he can the trailer door swings open.

“Oh excellent,” Harriet states, coming in with a smile, happy to see both of them. “This should save me some time.”

She must sense the tension in the air, the trailer now thick with the smell of it. Her smile fades and she looks between them, then asks, “Everything alright?”

Aaron chances a glance at Robert and finds him looking almost inscrutable. (Though to be fair, his mind hasn’t moved on from the fact that he’s practically naked.)

“Just fine,” Aaron says, with another thin smile, this one a little easier than that first one.

He’s not sure if she believes him, but she does nod anyway, so he finds that to be heartening.

“There’s been a bit of a change in the shooting schedule, seeing as the weather forecast for today is a bit unexpected,” Harriet tells them, looking from Aaron over to Robert. “So we’re going to try and do today’s scenes tomorrow, and tomorrow’s stuff today. You fine with that?”

Aaron thinks real fast, runs through his memory, trying to figure out what tomorrow brings. He realises it a second later, his stomach sinking quickly, filled with dread about how they’re going to do this.

“Yeah, sure,” Robert replies, sounding quite casual, like what’s about to happen isn’t a big deal to him.

Aaron doesn’t know whether to be hurt or happy, so he just files it as a temporary win. He nods his acceptance when Harriet looks at him questioningly, then follows it up with a, “Should be fine.”

“Perfect! I’ll let the rest of the cast know, and I’ll get makeup in here first thing,” Harriet says, smiling in relief. “Why don’t you two work on any blocking you feel you might need? Especially since all of this is short notice.”

She turns and leaves, the door slamming shut behind her. Leaving nothing but aching silence.

When Aaron finally hazards a glance, he sees that Robert’s staring down at his script page, all focused like if he stares hard enough he can change what just happened.

“So do you want to…” Aaron starts, gesturing between them, unsure what else to say. He kicks himself mentally once again, for ruining any progress in the working relationship between them.

Robert sighs, long and deep, then says, “Suppose we can just figure it out when we both get there.”

He only looks at Aaron when he’s done talking, like he can’t bear to look at him.

Aaron nods his agreement. “Cool. Better get going then. Get into today’s ‘costume.’”

It’s meant to be a joke but Robert doesn’t respond. Just nods back at him pensively.

Aaron desperately wants to ask if everything’s alright between them, but he doesn’t want to make the situation any worse than it seems to be already.

“Yeah, great. See you on set,” Robert finally says, turning away, and walking towards the opposite end of his trailer. A non-verbal dismissal.

Aaron exits, then shuts the door, letting out a sigh as he leans back against it.

It was every bit as awkward as he’d expected — only now it’s been ratcheted up to a million. They’re going to need every single bit of their acting skills if they’re going to sell what’s about to happen. Because Aaron’s not sure how else he and Robert are going to get through the rest of this day, when they’ll both be shooting Thomas and Felix’ first sex scene.

:::::

He stands there, script page in hand and a growing pit in his stomach, as Robert Sugden walks up to him with a grin.

“What you waiting for? Get your kit off.”

The words hit him before the tone does, Robert’s voice sounding teasing but brittle. Aaron’s eyes shoot up towards him, and he sees that the smile on his face is nowhere near his eyes and he’s clearly keeping up pretences.

Right, of course, Aaron tells himself, after getting over the initial surprise of it. We’re all actors here. No point pretending.

It’s silly and it shouldn’t sting as much as it does but Aaron’s still aches at Robert’s reaction. It’s one thing to not be interested in his romantic advances, but it’s another thing to pretend they completely didn’t happen. (He knows it’s hypocritical to feel this way, seeing as he’d actually prayed they could do this last night. But now that he’s living the exact reality he’d hoped for, he knows to be careful what you wish for.)

Still, he smiles right back, feels it hurt to even do so, as he lobs back a response of his own. Both of them standing there in bathrobes.

“Why don’t you get yours off first?”

Robert’s eyes widen, but his smile never falters. Instead, he winks and says, loud enough for anyone standing close by to hear, “Looks like you’ll be getting your wish soon enough.”

Aaron rolls his eyes, but his cheeks are still blushing, Robert having hit upon a wish from his youth.

Thankfully, Robert doesn’t see it, Harriet having arrived on the closed, private set, the number of people limited to just her, the two of them, and a small team of production people.

When she gives them a nod, they both strip out of their robes, both of them left standing naked, except for their actors’ modesty socks hiding their cocks and balls. Aaron does his best to keep his gaze level and facing forward, as he goes and finds his mark. The scene involves Felix making love to Thomas, on the floor of the latter’s barn.

The wooden floorboards are tad bit cool and just a little prickly — stray stalks of hay strewn across them — Aaron discovers as his bare back and arse come to rest against them, the sensation causing his skin to stand on end and his back wanting to arch off of it.

Aaron doesn’t have much time to process it, because now Robert’s crawling into his position, slowly lowering himself across Aaron and coming to rest on both his forearms. Aaron keeps his eyes pointed towards the barn ceiling and the rig of artificial lighting, hoping to make things as less awkward as possible.

He can feel Robert’s breath against his cheek, and the heat of him on his arms and chest as they silently hold these poses for the lighting check; Robert is now laying between Aaron’s spread and bent thighs, his arse exposed for everyone to see — not that he seems to care or even looks embarrassed. Instead, Aaron can feel him looking down at him, pinning him to the ground where he’s laying. Still, he refuses to look back at him, his heart furiously beating, as he refuses to make even a hint of eye contact; his last vestige of privacy.

“This isn’t going to work,” Robert says with a sigh after what feels like a day and an age, and Aaron feels his stomach clench, preparing for Robert to clamber off him, already missing him despite no part of them really touching at the moment. “Not if you don’t look at me.”

That gets Aaron’s attention and he looks up into Robert’s eyes, where he finds nothing but calm and watchful understanding.

“What?” He whispers, not meaning to come off so rude, but he’s nervous about what Robert might say and this is a pre-emptive strike — a test to see if he can handle it.

“About yesterday-” Robert begins, and Aaron immediately protests.

“I thought we were done talking about it.”

“No,” Robert insists, voice firm and kind of steely. “You talked about it. I just listened.”

Aaron swallows and lays there, his heart in his ears, as he wishes himself anywhere but here.

But then without warning, Robert dips down and kisses him, a firm press across his lips before a tongue swipes against the bottom one. Aaron grants him eager entry.

Robert pulls back, a half a moment later, remains naked and panting over Aaron.  

“What was that?” Aaron asks, body locked in surprise, though his cock is already having a bit of a reaction. He tries his hardest not to think about it.

“What I wish I’d done last night,” Robert replies, speaking softly, as he shoots Aaron a tentative smile. “What I wish I’d done this morning.”

“You mean…” Aaron trails off, struggling to compute, still feeling like this puzzle is missing a few pieces. Any thoughts about his dick fall by the wayside.

“I like you, Aaron,” Robert says like it’s a well known fact, and not something he just demonstrated with his tongue down Aaron’s throat. “And as you can see, I don’t really care who knows it.”

Aaron glances around and sees that no one’s really paying them much attention, Harriet studying the film monitors in front of her from the director’s seat, the sound guys standing and chatting in the corner.

“Guess that’s a relief,” Aaron finally sighs, when he comes back to look up at Robert’s face. “Seein’ as I like you too.”

It’s like a wave ripples between them because suddenly they’re both touching in millions of tiny ways. Robert’s arms move a little closer, Aaron’s a little wider, both their limbs now settling together. Robert’s planking position lowers, causing him to actually lay across Aaron, their chests just centimetres apart, even as their belly buttons touch, and their cocks, swaddled in their actors’ modesty socks now rest against each other; both steadily hardening. (Aaron smiles as he realises that, flushed with pride that Robert Sugden wants him.)

“So, you going to kiss me back or what?” Robert then asks, smiling down at Aaron, his arms framing either side of his face.

Aaron shakes his head, grinning back cheekily. “Thought we’d save it for the camera.”

:::::

When Harriet yells, “Action,” Robert’s focused and gazing into his eyes. But he doesn’t lunge forward like Aaron expects him to.

Instead, he slowly comes forward, nudges his nose against Aaron’s, before touching their lips together and letting them hover that way for a second, before increasing the pressure, one hand coming to holding the side of Aaron’s face.

Slowly, Aaron’s waiting lips part, as he opens his mouth and lets his tongue curl and slide against Robert’s; allowing him to steal the breath right out of him.

They kiss like that for a couple of minutes, Aaron’s hands sliding up Robert’s back to wrap around the balls of his shoulders, half holding, half gently kneading.

Slowly and gently, Robert starts to rock in place, dragging his thick and hard cock against Aaron’s. He may be simulating sex, but the feelings are all real, as Aaron feels his own shaft throbbing and aching harder.

Robert kisses his way down his jaw, and then his neck and then his chest, Aaron’s back arching unconsciously against him.

Robert comes back up kiss at his lips, the movement of his hips growing faster.

Aaron closes his eyes and pictures his teenage self and all his exploration of sexuality with another boy in his class in the local village pavilion. None of that compares to Felix and Thomas’ first time, none of that compares to this moment with Robert.

Another wave comes over him and he gives himself into it, rolling them over so Robert is now under him; shaggy hair blending with the straw on the wooden floorboards. Aaron takes his lips in his and resumes their kissing.

He continues to grind, increasing the pressure and speed just a little, chasing that spark that shoots through him when their cocks touch through their socks at just the right spot. He can feels his balls tighten and Robert groan into his mouth, the sound of it soaked with wanting. His own cock feels swollen, now more than thick and leaking, the leaking come making the fabric stick to him and his erect shaft more than sensitive.

Aaron can see his climax rising on the horizon, can feel it gathering at the base of his spine, the pressure building to a tall cresting wave, threatening to crash down over him. Under him, Robert continues softly groaning, loose hands scoring up and down Aaron’s back; the movements causing a little thrill of pleasure.

Then just when his orgasm starts to move towards his peak, pushed onward by the friction between their penises, he hears a sound that causes him to stop almost instantly, and Robert to whine under him.

Aaron lays there panting, cock now more than aching, he curses the gods and this particular profession. He brings his forehead to rest against Robert’s. The sweat on both their brows mingling as the chill in the barn begins to set in.

“Alright,” says Harriet from somewhere behind them. Her voice is firm and brooks no questions. So they know better than to protest it. “This was great. But let’s try that again.”

Aaron drops his head into Robert’s neck and groans.

:::::

An hour later he starts to wonder if Harriet is doing this intentionally; guiding them close to the edge with her takes and directions, only to cause them to pull back again, just adding to their rising frustrations.

His only solace is the presence of Robert, who moves from over to under — and even one time, beside — him, as they keep kissing and grinding against each other for the camera; both more sensitive than ever.

“Come back to mine after,” Aaron grunts softly in the middle of one take, too soft for the boom controller to hear him. Robert’s mouth nipping at his shoulder.

“And do what?” Robert whispers, when Aaron rolls them over. It’s clear that he’s a little beyond thinking.

Aaron gets it, biting his tongue as a wave of pleasure sweeps through him.  

“What do you think?” He asks, through gritted teeth, as his hips begin simulating trusting. Then he grins slyly as he looks down into Robert’s unfocused eyes.

“Reckon we could run lines or something.”

:::::

They bolt off set before Harriet can even declare it a wrap — or pull either one aside to talk to them — neither of them able to keep the smile off their faces. Aaron tries not to speed, or run a red light, but it’s a struggle with Robert’s right hand on his thigh, slowly inching higher and higher the entire time.

He manages to still his breathing — and his body’s tetchy reaction — as they exit the vehicle and later enter his building. In fact, they make it all the way up and into his flat, without him making even a single move to try and tear Robert’s clothes off.

“Nice place,” Robert says, as Aaron shuts and locks the door behind. Aaron glances around at the classic film posters on his own living room walls and the lived-in state of his sofa; the prime location for all his movie marathons between projects.

“Thought you might want to see it,” Aaron says coming up to stand in front of him, his hands coming to rest on Robert’s lips.

“You were right about that,” Robert says, though his focus is on him. He smiles and adds, “I’m a big fan of Aaron Dingle.”

Aaron smiles back. There’s a flutter in his chest, like a flock of birds flying back after winter. He swallows roughly and gives his answer, his voice coming out rougher as his gaze drops to Rober’s lips, “I’m right about a lot of things. Guess you’re going to have to remind me.”

That’s all it takes because Robert’s lips are on his, with all the urgency of a man drowning.

Aaron grabs at his jacket and starts pushing it off him, as he also walks him to the bedroom.

They stumble a little, the room still a mess from this morning, Robert grabbing Aaron’s biceps so as to not trip backwards over a pair of kicked trainers lying in the middle of the floor.

“You know, a little tidying never hurt anyone,” Robert says coming back in for a kiss.

“Do you want to talk cleaning, or do you want to fuck?” Aaron growls back, still very frustrated from this morning.

Robert stripping him of his hoodie is his answer.

Grinning into the kiss, Aaron tugs Robert’s shirt up and out of his jeans and then makes quick work of the buttons up front — not caring if he loses one. He pushes it off him, and trails kisses down his neck, before pausing to nip once at his collarbone.

Robert inhales sharply, pressing closer into him. So Aaron does it again, just a little bit harder, earning him a groaned, Aaron.

Smiling again, he licks the same area once, then kisses it as if to make it better. Then he turns his attention to Robert’s jeans, his dick already bulging in the front of it.

Robert’s hands are once again moving, pushing Aaron’s own jeans down to pool against his feet. He tries to step out of them, while undoing Robert’s belt buckle, only to feel one of Robert cup his cock through the fabric of his boxers, the pressure firm but gentle.

Aaron lets out a gasp as Robert just chuckles, “Well, hello there Mr. Dingle.”

“Do you ever shut up?” Aaron asks, as he tried to focus on the jeans button in front of him, Robert’s cock already straining against his zipper, as his hand slips from outside Aaron’s boxers into them, drawing out a shuddered gasp as he squeezes his erection.

“Make me,” Robert says with a smug little grin, the words a low purr that goes straight to Aaron’s eardrum.

Aaron takes him up on his offer, kissing him thoroughly, before pushing him back against his mattress.

A thrill runs up his back as he sees a mostly naked Robert Sugden, resting on his elbows and across the unmade purple sheets of his bed. He kneels down at the base of his bed, then reaches up and pulls the hem of Robert’s underwear down. His cock springs out, already wet and leaking, and every bit as long and thick as Aaron had expected.

He runs a hand up it, giving it a test of a stroke, in front of him Robert twitches.

Pleased with the response, Aaron leans forward and hovers over it, feeling Robert’s eyes watching carefully. Then he smiles up at him, before dropping his head down as he sets up about fulfilling a fantasy.

On either side of his head, Robert’s thighs jerking and flexing — just like that first day in the trailer. Only this time it’s Aaron with his mouth on his cock, him being the one to draw the groans out of Robert.

Down between his own legs, his cock is once again aching, having been denied release too many times in one day. Aaron wraps a hand around it, smearing his own pre-come over his head and down around it, his thumb flicking the edge of his frenulum and causing a thrill of excitement. He keeps on steadily stroking.

When he feels Robert nearing the edge — now more than well-versed in his body — Aaron pulls off and hears the expected moan of disappointment. He gives him a kiss as he reaches for the lube, eager to avoid a painful experience.

He slides two fingers in, gently twisting and scissoring, Robert groaning and pushing down into it.

When he feels he’s ready, Aaron slides his now slick dick into Robert and gets a satisfied sigh for his efforts.

He waits a second for Robert to adjust to the discomfort, but all he gets is grunted, “Hurry up and fuck me.”

Doing as he says, Aaron sets up a punishing pace, the front of his thighs smacking against the back of Robert’s in a satisfying rhythm.

It’s not too long before he feels his climax once again approaching, having been at the edge of his fingertips all day. Below him, Robert’s busy stroking himself as he keeps on moaning Aaron’s name, punctuated by a gasp every time Aaron hits that special spot.

His neck is tipped back and his eyes are tight shut, his hand is rapidly pumping, Robert lost to the build of his own orgasm.

With his own edge within sight, Aaron makes a quick decision, he leans down, hips still rolling as he positions himself right beside Robert’s ear, and then whispers, “It was you I liked, not Pete Barton.”

He hears Robert’s strangled cry and his come hit his chest. It’s enough to make him come inside him.

:::::

He wakes up a few hours later to Robert on his phone, just laying next to him naked. The white light from the small iPhone screen illuminates the side profile of his face in a strong but gentle white glow; his features looking like he was sculpted from marble.

There’s a fondness in his eyes and a glow in his cheeks as he lays on his back, biting his bottom lip, staring at the screen intently, probably skimming the news on a gossip news site. (Aaron actually reads a few of them himself, a couple proving quite reliable in terms of casting news and breakdowns.)

“Anything good?” He asks, when he’s drunk his fill — though he’s finding that his thirst for Robert might be bottomless.

Robert doesn’t startle or even really flinch, just looks over at him like he was gently awakened. His smile is radiant — but more so in this light, white teeth flashing in the phone light, which also renders his freckles a little paler.

“Nothing as good as what’s right here,” Robert says, affection coming through loud and clear. He then lifts his right arm above his head, an open invitation.

Aaron accepts it, shuffling in closer, and bringing the covers with him. He snuggles in closer until his head is resting on the ball of Robert’s shoulder as he turns himself sideways on his left side. Robert’s arm comes back down, wrapping around his back and resting on the curve of his arse.

When Aaron turns towards the phone screen he sees instead that it’s a book, Robert’s attention instead captured by some kind of video.

It takes him a second to clock what’s happening on screen, because then he gasps in disbelief.

“Are you watching my episode of Black Mirror?” He shifts to gaze up at him, searching Robert’s face for any detail of an answer.

“Why?” He asks, horrified.

Robert turns from the phone to look down at him, and then says without any embarrassment or shame. “The first time I ever saw this, I knew I had to meet you.”

“You’re joking me,” Aaron barks a laugh. “My character was mental.”

“Yeah,” Robert agrees, his index finger now rubbing a lazy circle into Aaron’s hip, the feel and motion of it deeply soothing. “But you played him with such intensity.”

“Probably just thought I was fit, or something,” Aaron protests, rolling his eyes at Robert. “I spent half the episode naked.”

“Well, obviously there was that,” Robert concedes, but even with his playful tone, Aaron can tell he still means it. That he’d actually been attracted to Aaron’s acting.

“Does this mean you fantasized about me?” Aaron asks cheekily, even though he’s nervous about the answer.

“If I didn’t, I’d be mental,” Robert says with all the confidence in the world, like this is an undisputed fact.

He’d wanted to hear it, but it still makes him blush. Aaron rolls inward towards Robert’s shoulder. Robert’s hand and finger don’t stop their circling.

“Shut up,” he chides him gently.

“It’s true though,” Robert admits, voice quiet in the night, his face growing ever more thoughtful. “It’s why I wanted to do this project. Figure at least this way I’d get a chance to work with you.”

“More like, hoped you’d get a chance to shag me,” Aaron retorts, but there’s nothing in his voice but affectionate lightness.

“Not going to lie and say I didn’t dream about that,” Robert chuckles. “Though I did really hope you might be bisexual as well.”

“Worked out in the end, I suppose,” Aaron says quietly.

Robert hums his agreement. On his phone screen a younger version of Aaron fights against a male co-star.

Time passes, a few more moments go by, then Aaron says, trying not to keep the worry from creeping into his voice too much, “You know, if people find out about us, we might have to come out publicly.”

He doesn’t want to say it, but he feels like he has to, not wanting to cost Robert his career. “You could lose the Bond role.”

“I told you, Aaron, I don’t care who finds out.” It doesn’t sound flippant, and it doesn’t sound thrown away. It sounds sure as can be and confident. “Didn’t exactly take this job to prove I could do my own stunts. Though I think we both did well on that front.”

Robert pinches his hip as if to underscore the point, sending a spark of shock right through him. Aaron startles and arches his back closer, his bare chest now snug into Robert’s side.

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Aaron grumbles poking his chest. Under his left ear, Robert shakes with quiet laughter.

“Yes, but an idiot you like,” Robert says when he can finally answer. “And an idiot you had a crush on.”

Aaron rubs his hip sorely. “I can still kick you out of bed, you know.”

“You wouldn’t do that to a poor, defenceless, idiot,” Robert offers in his defence. Aaron just rolls his eyes at it.

“Do you seriously ever shut up?” He questions, not really annoyed.

Robert’s voice is low when he replies, “Like I said. Go ahead and make me.”

Aaron comes up for a kiss.

:::::

They do come out eventually, when doing the rounds to promote the movie, and all their fears are brushed aside as it makes their stock rise even higher. Suddenly they have interviews scheduled with all the top publications, with joint profiles in both The Guardian and Variety. (Aaron asks his mum to go buy extras of both, his idea to have them framed as an eventual moving-in present.)

The movie’s a success as it starts to do the circuit, opening first in limited release and then going wider and wider. It garners great reviews, most of it focusing on Aaron and Robert’s performance, with plenty of mentions of their chemistry. (Robert particularly likes reading those aloud in bed, pulling them up on his phone not long after Aaron awakens.)

Amongst all the furor and the immense fan support, the good news start to trickle in. George Miller wants to meet Aaron to discuss a possible part in Mad Max, while Robert has a meeting about playing Bond after all. As it turns out, times are very definitely changing, and the minds in charge of the franchise have decided they’d quite like to adapt along with it. Neither of them expect anything to actually come of it. But they still joke about Robert wearing that suit and celebrate.  

A few months after that, Harriet calls waking them both up, the film — as well as both their performances and her direction — having been nominated for an Oscar. They lay there together, Robert’s phone on speaker on Aaron’s bare chest, his cheek close beside it, neither of them daring to breathe in their shocked silence.

Aaron cracks first, a long and loud laugh, seconds later Robert starts to join him.

“Can you believe it?” Robert asks, lifting his head. The diffused sunlight from the hotel room balcony window backlights him, showing off his bedhead in all its glory.

“Sure I can,” Aaron shrugs easily, taking in the high cheekbones and the freckles dotting them, the unexpected pinkness of Robert’s lips. Then he looks into Robert’s eager eyes, letting the now-alert green and blue wash over him. “Harriet Finch, innit?”

“But you and me, nominated for an Oscar…” Robert quietly marvels. “Do you think we could win?”

Aaron just watches him, memorising this face, already planning their celebration. He brings a hand up, and cups Robert’s cheek, stroking a thumb across a warm cheekbone. Then he leans up, gives him a soft kiss, then lies back, his head hitting the pillow.

Robert’s eyes open slowly, and his smile grows softer; a small one that he reserves for Aaron.

“Reckon we could,” Aaron says, feeling himself return it. “Who doesn’t love a good love story?”

[lyricdissonance]

odds please! for ask thing

1. How do you define your sexuality?i’m bisexual, i also identify as queer3. At what age did you first suspect that you are sexually attracted to other girls?first started realizing i “like like” girls instead of just “like” at 15 I believe?5. Did you have an “aha I like girls” moment or was it more of a gradual realization?gradual realization, i had a whole lot of female actresses and musicians i really admired and then realized i was also attracted to them. then i kinda brushed that aside for a while, thinking that my celeb crushes didn’t count as real crushes, before i also got crushes on girls i knew irl which made me realize i definitely wasn’t straight7. How did you become comfortable with your sexuality?reading posts by bi bloggers on here helped a whole lot, they made me realize that i didn’t have to fit a narrow definition to be “allowed” to call myself bisexual. and as someone who grew up in a conservative environment, i probably wouldn’t have discovered my sexuality when i did without tumblr since i’d never been told before that it was ok to not be straight, and i thank the internet for showing me there are other ways to live life

9. Who was the first person you came out to? How did they take it?it was by text message to a male friend who was the only other bi person i really knew at the time. he was super supportive and we haven’t talked in a while but i’d love to catch up with him someday11. How out are you?out to friends and two family members, but closeted to most of my family. which means i can be gay on tumblr and twitter but not instagram and facebook. funny how that happens13. Was anyone surprised when you came out or did people seem to already know?a few people have been surprised, but these days when i meet someone new i prefer to casually mention my sexuality rather than do a real “coming out” and i don’t normally get any reaction from that15. How soon after meeting someone do you usually tell them about your sexuality?like the last answer, if i feel like i can trust them i’ll just try to slip it into conversation. i don’t have a timeline for when i do it though, it’s just whenever i feel ok doing it17. Have you ever wished you were completely straight?not so much that as just wishing my sexuality could be not a big deal. i’d love to be out to everyone but i know it would cause problems in a lot of my family relationships19. If you are not a lesbian, about what percentage of the time do you find yourself attracted to other girls?i gave up using percentages a while ago but i’m attracted to men and women about the same amount overall21. How often do you find yourself trying to sneak a peek or stare at a cute girl?only all the time because girls are Too Cute to not do that

23. What is your current relationship status?

single af

25. Do you remember anything about the first time you kissed another girl?i’ve kissed one person and she was nonbinary, we were hanging out in her dorm common room when she went for a kiss on the cheek and i was like “well we might as well do one on the lips too”27. What is your ideal first date?wherever we go i want us to be having fun! i love going out for food or drinks but if we don’t have a connection then it’s just us staring at our plates so there’s always that risk of it being too awkward. i’d love for us to try something new where we can talk and laugh while getting to know each other29. How flirty are you?i’m the certified worst at flirting. i’m trying to be more confident but my idea of flirting right now is staring across the room31 Do you want have children someday?no but i want to volunteer with children someday and do something to help make their lives better33. How often are you asked if you have a boyfriend?not often, i think my family is used to me saying no by now lmao35. Have you ever been on your period the same time as a girlfriend?nope (see above, single af)37. Have you ever been in a long distance relationship?nope39. Has a girl ever dumped you for a guy? Have you?nope and nope41. Have you ever had a crush on a straight girl?oh yes43. Would you ever date a trans woman?absolutely45. Where do you think is the best place to meet a potential lover?

a wendy’s parking lot in upstate new york 

somewhere where you can meet people who have a common interest, like a bookstore or a dance class or an lgbt event. but the romantic in me wants to believe that the love of my life could be found anywhere

47. Have you ever cut your hair super short? If not, would you ever want to?have not but would love to! even if i don’t like it i want to be able to say i tried it49. What is your opinion on septum/bull nose piercings?don’t want one for myself, but i think they’re cute51. How muscular are you?not very53. Have you ever been told that you don’t look gay, or that you’re too pretty to be gay?

hasn’t happened to me

55. Do you wear skirts and dresses? If so, how often?i may not consider myself very feminine but i do love how skirts and dresses look on me. so like once or twice a week on average?57. How much jewelry do you typically wear?i go without it a lot but i like wearing a piece of statement jewelry when i think an outfit needs it59. How often do you wear a bra?almost always when i go out, but home is a No Bra Zone61. Have you ever worn a suit?nope but i’d try it!63. Do you carry a purse?yep, i find it convenient to have all my stuff with me65. Have you ever worn any men’s clothing?because of my body shape finding men’s clothes that fit well is Hard but i’ve worn men’s shirts on occasion67. Have you ever shared clothes with a girlfriend?

no but i like this idea so cute girls who are my size please hmu

69. Who is your favorite LGBT celebrity?my faves include freddie mercury, janelle monae, st. vincent, and lady gaga71. Have you ever watched Will & Grace?nope73. How well do you feel LGBT women are portrayed on television?i’d like for us to survive to the end of the show for one thing. and not be overly sexualized. i’m glad that we’re seeing more positive and happy depictions like on b99 but we could always use more75. Do you watch any LGBT YouTubers?tbh i don’t really follow any youtubers77. Do you have a favorite LGBT themed blog or website?i follow a lot of gay blogs on here, too many to choose a favorite. and i really like autostraddle.com79. Have you read any LGBT themed literature? If so, do you have any recommendations?

i really need to start reading more lgbt lit, but shoutout to the misfits by james howe which was the first time i ever encountered gay characters in literature. i think it’s important that that book showed a gay boy who was unashamed about liking feminine things and had friends who supported him. i know my young mind was opened a little after i read it. and now that i’m looking it up again it turns out the author is gay which makes it even better!

81. Boobs or butts?Certified Boob Lover (tm)83. Ellen or Portia?

probs ellen

85. Have you ever been to a gay bar or a gay club?no but there’s a gay club that’s popular w people at my school that is on my list! 87. Do you have any LGBT relatives?my sister, no others that i know of89. How outdoorsy are you?i’m definitely more outdoorsy than i used to be! i’ve learned to enjoy a bit of hiking, kayaking, and exploring but i still don’t do well with heat and bugs lol91. How many rainbow items do you own?one rainbow rubber bracelet, and a couple of bi pride items93. Have you ever participated in the National Day of Silence?no, as far as i know it was never a big thing at my school? i knew one or two people who did it95. Have you ever attended a PFLAG (Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) meeting?no, i’m kinda curious about what a meeting would be like tho97. Have you ever been part of a softball team?nope99. Do you play any video games?

well i used to be a hardcore nintendogs player back in the day

101. (on a scale of 1-10, how attractive are...) Women who wear glasses?glasses on girls are GR8 - 10/10103. Women who are covered with piercings?kinda neutral on this, i support women getting the piercings they want but "covered with piercings” isn’t really something i look for in a person - 6/10105. Women with short hair?if you have short hair i am guaranteed gay for you - 10/10107. Tall women (i.e. around 1.83 meters/6 feet or taller)?

*wearing a shirt that says I

109. What does equality mean to you?to me it means i’m treated the same as anyone else and i have all the same opportunites111. Do you eat meat at all?yes113. How do you feel about the terms “woman crush” and “girl crush”?i find them harmful to girls trying to figure out their sexuality bc the implication of a “girl crush” is that all women have crushes on women and that it shouldn’t be taken as serious attraction. that being said i think a not-insignificant amount of women who say stuff like that just haven’t realized yet that they are attracted to women (i was one of them whoops) and i hope we can find ways to talk about the “girl crush” problem that leave room for questioning people to talk about their feelings115. How do you feel when people use the word gay to mean things such as stupid, dumb, boring, or idiotic?i hardly ever hear it anymore but i don’t like it117. What are your views on gender identity and bathroom use?everyone should be able to use the bathroom that they feel safest and most comfortable in, gender neutral bathrooms need to be everywhere, and any lawmakers who want to get in the way of that can fuck outta here119. Have you ever been called a gay slur?nope121. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your sexuality or gender identity? If so, please explain.not like, personally, but the number of people who have said in my presence that they “don’t believe” in bisexuality is Too High123. Americans: How did you feel on June 26, 2015?it was really incredible, i’d been watching as state by state (including my own) had legalized same-sex marriage and suddenly it was all across america. seeing all the love and happiness being poured out on that day was amazing125. Have you ever tried to “pray the gay away”?luckily i’ve never been there, but it breaks my heart to think about people going through that127. What LGBT stereotype do you most disagree with?"bi women are just doing it for male attention” excuse you i’m clearly doing it in the hopes that jenna coleman will fly to the states and elope with me get your facts right129. What advice would you give to a girl who is struggling to figure out her sexuality?

take your time! you don’t have to 100% understand your feelings but please let yourself feel what you feel and remember you are not alone. and i want to be here for questioning girls the same way that other people were there for me when i was questioning so if you need someone to talk to i am always here.

[selfsaving]

AISLINN  INFO  DROP   !

language

she  was  born  in  southern  ireland  and  has  spent  most  of  her  life  in  southern  ireland.  her  accent  is  definitely  southern  irish.

she  went  to  a  gaelscoil  primary  school ;  a  school  where  the  primary  language  is  GAELIC.

irish  gaelic  is  technically  her  first  language  but  she  is  totally  bilingual.  she  spoke  +  was  spoken  to  in  gaelic  until  her  ma  died ,  then  english  when  they  moved  in  with  trish.  the  other  schools  she  has  attended  were  a  mixture  of  irish  and  english  speaking.

as  soon  as  she  was  prescribed  hearing  aids ,  her  pa  was  extremely  keen  for  the  two  of  them  to  learn  sign  language     (   he  himself  is  hard  of  hearing  in  one  ear  but  never  learnt   ).     since  she  was  six ,  the  two  of  them  have  taken  free  isl  classes  and  are  both  fluent.  aislinn  has  also  taught  herself  the  alphabet  in  bsl  and  asl ,  as  well  as  some  other  basic  phrases.  but  she  can  sign  and  read  her  alphabets  REALLY  FAST.  like ,  often  too  fast  for  fluent  speakers  to  read  and  they’ll  have  to  ask  her  to  slow  down.

she  and  her  pa  talk  to  each  other  in  equal  measures  gaelic ,  english  and  isl  depending  on  the  situation.  there’s  not  one  she  prefers  over  the  others.

autism  /  ocd

aislinn  was  diagnosed  with  autism  when  she  was  six.  she  went  to  school  a  little  later  than  most  children  and  had  trouble  from  the  start.  disrupting  classes ;  fighting  with  other  children.

she  struggles  to  understand  other  people  her  age ,  mostly.  feels  separated  from  those  around  her  because  her  background   &   lifestyle  is  so  different.  she’s  always  struggled  to  make  friends.

BUT  if  she  sees  something  similar  to  herself  in  another ,  she  will  latch  onto  them  very  quickly.  likes  the  idea  of  being  part  of  a  group  of  outcasts.

she  has  a  very  bad  temper.  long  fuse ,  but  big  explosion.  she’ll  either  totally  shut  down ;  usually  ball  herself  up  in  a  corner  and  refuse  to  talk ,  or  she  lashes  out.  she  has  been  in  a  lot  of  fights  at  schools     (   that  she  always  lost   ).     only  ever  with  other  kids  though ;  she  isn’t  afraid  to  SCREAM  at  adults  when  she  thinks  they’re  wrong.

she  also  has  ocd  which  was  diagnosed  when  she  was  13.  HOWEVER  she  took  this  to  mean  that  because  she  has  ocd ,  she  is  not  autistic.  she’s  never  embraced  her  autism     (   having  spent  several  years  of  her  childhood  being  told  by  the  female  role  model  in  her  household  that  it  made  her  stupid  and  the  school  attitude  that  ‘ autistic  kids  are  trouble  kids ’   ) ;     instead  insisting  that  her  ocd  is  what’s  ‘ broken  her  brain ’.  she  has   !!!     a  lot  of  internalised  hate  over  her  neurodivergence  >:(

she  is  hypersensitive  to  touch  +  sound.  especially  shrill  noises.

sound :

when  she  first  went  to  school ,  she  found  the  noise  level  of  other  children  extremely  difficult  to  cope  with     (   even  when  she  was  older  it  sometimes  can  cause  panic  attacks   ).

her  hearing  loss  was  pretty  much  a  direct  result  of  this.  to  make  things  QUIETER  she  would  fill  up  her  ears  with  crayons ;  glue ;  anything.  they  got  very  badly  infected  as  a  result.

she  has  mild  hearing  loss  in  her  left  ear     (   can  hear  normal  voice  level  just  fine ;  cannot  hear  softer  /  distant  sounds   )     and  moderate  /  severe  hearing  loss  in  her  right     (   loud  sounds  like  traffic  are  extremely  muffled   ).

she  has  been  prescribed  and  given  hearing  aids  multiple  times  but  does  not  like  wearing  them  ——  prefers  it  to  be  quiet.  wears  the  right  one  maybe  50%  of  the  time  and  ONLY  EVER  wears  the  left  one  alone  in  the  car  with  dad     (   takes  both  out  when  she’s  angry  with  him   ).

touch :

she  loves  to  touch  other  people.  always  shakes  hands  in  greeting     (   and  is  uncomfortable  if  people  don’t  want  to   ) ,     loves  to  touch  others’  hair  or  sit  with  knees  touching.

she  also  touches  everything  in  supermarkets  and  other  big  shops  ——  especially  if  it  looks  soft.  her  fingers  /  hands  aren’t  actually  super  sensitive  so  she  finds  it  a  comforting  reality.

she  finds  uncomfortable  clothing  awful  and  has  always  hated  school  uniform  and  would  often  scratch  herself  to  bleeding  around  her  neck ,  stomach  and  on  her  arms.

her  dad  used  to  find  her  ‘ fairy ’  shells  /  flowers  /  stones  that  would  give  her  ‘ magic  protection ’  and  stop  her  scratching     (   it’s  something  her  ma  started ;  gave  her  a  seashell  necklace  made  by  fairies  that  would  always  keep  her  safe   ).     and ...  they  actually  worked ,  to  an  extent.  didn’t  make  it  any  more  comfortable ,  but  eased  the  obsessive  need  to  scratch  a  little.

she  still  wears  quite  a  lot  of  them  as  necklaces.  cant  stand  bracelets ,  or  more  than  one  ring  per  hand ,  but  is  always  wearing  at  LEAST  four  necklaces     (   in  even  numbers   ).

nearly  all  her  clothing  she’s  either  had  for  a  very  long  time  or  she  gets  second  hand.  her  clothes  have  to  be  pre - worn  and  SOFT.  shoes  and  socks  are  exceptions.

she  suffers  from  trichotillomania  ——  the  obsessive  need  to  pull  out  her  hair.  it  started  when  she  was  around  10 ,  partly  from  the  anxiety  of  moving  schools  and  everything  changing.

she’s  kept  her  hair  very  SHORT  since  then ;  between  shoulder  length  and     (   a  couple  of  times   )     totally  shaved.  it’s  probably  the  thing  her  pa  struggles  most  to  help  her  with.

things  they’ve  done  to  try  and  combat  it  include :  she  always  has  a  teddy  bear  or  soft  toy  that’s  FLUFFY  so  she  can  tear  that  out  instead ;  getting  out  every  couple  of  hours  on  long  journeys  to  tear  up  handfuls  of  grass ;  keeping  her  hair  braided  or  full  of  clips  /  flowers  /  other  things  she  can  fiddle  with ;  letting  her  shave  her  hair  instead  of  pulling  it     (   and  also  then  it’s  not  a  sensory  issue  around  her  neck  /  face   ).

the  one  that’s  been  MOST  SUCCESSFUL  is  to  keep  her  hair  dyed.  she’s  been  doing  it  since  she  was  12  and  has  been  just  about  every  colour  under  the  sun.  it  helps  in  a  couple  of  ways :  firstly ,  because  she  really  likes  the  look  and  idea  of  it ,  so  tries  her  hardest  to  keep  it  intact.  secondly  because  she  often  doesn’t  REALISE  she’s  pulling  out  hair ,  but  when  it’s  pink  or  blue  it’s  easier  to  notice  when  her  hands  are  full  of  it  and  she  can  stop.

gender

y’all ...  aislinn  is  18  years  old  and  super  confused  in  general  about  both  her  gender  and  her  sexuality.  she’s  has  fairly  limited  interaction  with  people  her  own  age  and  very  little  experience  on  the  internet.  she  also  lives  in  southern  ireland.  some  of  her  views  and  knowledge  is  skewed  and  misinformed.  she’s  had  very  few  female  role  models  and  even  fewer  queer  ones.

nearly  everything  she  knows  about  sex ,  gender ,  and  sexuality  is  what  she  can  talk  about  with  her  dad     (   they’re  best  friends  they  talk  about  anything  and  everything  openly   ).     he  is  surprisingly  well  educated  about  all  of  the  above ,  but  still  she’s  nowhere  near  as  knowledgeable  as  an  ordinary  british  18  year  old  would  be.

she  doesn’t  experience  dysphoria  but  something  doesn’t  feel  quite  RIGHT  inside  her.  she’s  not  sure  if  that’s  because  of  her  gender ,  or  her  neurodivergence ,  or  anything  else ,  but  the  only  way  she  can  think  of  to  figure  that  out  is  to  try  out  labels.

the  one  good  thing  about  moving  around  a  lot  is  she’s  had  a  lot  of  opportunities  to  restart  with  a  NEW  identity.  she’s  tried  using  they  /  them  pronouns ,  she’s  spent  a  couple  of  months  with  a  buzz - cut  going  by  ‘ jack ’  and  using  he  /  him ,  she’s  tried  calling  herself  non - binary  and  given  up  very  quickly  trying  out  other  pronouns     (   unable  to  cope  with  the  frustration  of  people  refusing  to  use  them   ).     but  none  of  them  felt  any  BETTER  than  she   /  her.

it’s  not  really  that  she  feels  like  she’s  anything  instead  of  female ;  there’s  nothing  that  feels  more  right ,  she  just  doesn’t  really  feel  CONNECTED  to  being  a  girl.

at  the  moment  she  uses  she  /  her  pronouns  and  the  label  demigirl.  she’s  not  totally  sure  about  it ,  but  she  finds  it  helpful  to  use  a  bunch  of  different  labels  until  she  finds  the  right  one  rather  than  wait  and  remain  label - less  until  she’s  TOTALLY  sure.

sexuality  +  sexual  experiences

y’all  guessed  it  she’s  pretty  confused  abt  this  too   !

what  she  is  most  certain  about  is  that  she  is  a  lesbian.  she’s  done  sexual  stuff  with  a  guy  once  and  Did  Not  Enjoy.  she’s  never  found  a  guy  attractive ;  she’s  not  had  a  crush  on  a  guy.

asexuality  is  something  she’s  felt  comfortable  labelling  herself  with  for  a  couple  of  years ,  but  she’s  still  not  totally  sure  if  she  actually  IS  asexual  because ,  like ...  she  does  feel  like  she  is  sexually  attracted  to  some  women.  thing  is  that  it’s  only  celebs     (   and  almost  excusively  much  older  women  as  well   ) ;     she’s  never  even  had  a  crush  on  someone  she’s  known  in  real  life.  so  while  the  idea  of  doing  sexual  stuff  with  a  hot  celeb  seems  appealing ,  she  hasn’t  enjoyed  any  of  her  real  life  sexual  experiences  so  it’s  like.  is  this  false  hope   ??     has  she  just  had  bad  experiences  or  is  she  actually  asexual   ???

which  is  the  reason  she  calls  herself  ‘ quoiromantic ’.  finds  it  difficult  to  distinguish  between  platonic ,  romantic ,  and  sexual  attraction.  honestly  tldr  is  she’s  muddled  about  this  and  while  she  doesn’t  know  What  she’s  feeling ,  it’s  nice  to  have  a  label  that  fits  her  confusion.

unsurprisingly ,  she  is  a  virgin.  she’s  had  a  handful  of  sexual  experiences  of  various  sorts     (   a  few  with  guys ;  mostly  with  female - presenting  people   )     +  a  couple  more  teen  kisses  outside  of  that ,  but  she’s  never  had  a  relationship  and  never  been  any  further.

she  is  still  questioning  and  that’s  ok.  she  thinks  she’s  a  lesbian  but  still  kisses  boys  sometimes.  she  thinks  she’s  ace  but  still  is  vaguely  sexually  active.  she’s  not  sure ,  so  she’s  still  experimenting.  and  that’s  all  ok  ok   !!!

random

it’s  pronounced  ‘ ASH - LING ’.

she  is  an  excellent  swimmer  and  can  hold  her  breath  for  nearly  two  minutes.

she  ‘ ran  away ’  quite  a  lot  as  a  little  kid  but  only  ever  to  mcdonalds.  it  would  only  ever  end  in  pa  coming  to  find  her  and  them  eating  chips   &   carrot  sticks  on  the  walk  home.

her  parents  weren’t  married  when  she  was  born     (   mostly  because  they  didn’t  have  the  money  to   ).     they  got  married  when  she  was  nearly  four  years  old.

she  loves  dogs.  hates  cats.  the  feeling  seems  to  be  mutual  with  each.

she  grew  up  with  a  german  shepherd  called  walter  who  was  her  ma’s  originally.  they  left  him  at  a  shelter  when  she  +  pa  ran  away ,  knowing  they  wouldn’t  be  able  to  look  after  him.

they  do  have  a  dog  now   !     his  name  is  romeo     (   ROO  for  short   ) ,     he’s  bright  white  and  85%  floof.  he  likes  to  sit  in  aislinn’s  lap  while  they’re  driving.

they  nearly  ran  him  over  when  he  sprinted  into  the  road  out  of  the  fog.  they  took  him  to  the  nearest  village  and  they  said  he  didn’t  belong  to  anyone  there  ——  he’d  been  living  off  rabbits  and  scraps  from  the  shepherd.  they  were  going  to  take  him  to  a  shelter  at  first  but  at  the  sight  of  him  sitting  up  in  the  back  seat ,  watching  the  landscape  pass  out  of  the  window ,  aislinn  burst  into  tears  at  the  idea  of  leaving  him.  he’s  been  driving  around  with  them  ever  since.  aislinn  is  100%  certain  he’s  a  ghost  or  an  ancient  god  or  something.

his  bark  is  actually  pretty  much  the  only  loud  noise  that  doesn’t  affect  her.  it’s  that  deep ,  sort  of  quiet  ‘ BOOF ’  that  big  dogs  do  and  it’s  probably  her  favourite  sound  on  the  whole  earth.

[pinkspaceclub]

Understand Your Sexuality!

Sexuality covers a broad spectrum, and is also deeply personal. It’s about understanding the sexual feelings and attractions we feel towards others, not who we happen to have sex with. There are different types of sexuality, and it can take time to figure out what fits right with you. If someone is giving you a hard time about your sexuality, find out what to do and who you can talk to.

This can help if: you want to know what sexuality is you want to learn about the different types of sexuality you want to better understand your own or other people's sexuality. Aerial close up of 2 girls holding hands Understanding sexuality Everyone’s sexuality is different, and it’s not necessarily as simple as being ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. Some people are attracted to only one sex, and others are attracted to a diversity of people regardless of sex or gender, with a lot of different preferences in-between.

How do I work out who I am and what it means? When you have that first moment of questioning your sexuality, you may wonder what it means and what you should do about it.

First up, you don’t have to do anything straight away. Take whatever time you need to work out what these feelings mean for you, your identity and your future. There’s no time limit, so hit pause and give yourself a break.

You could take some time to look at other people’s experiences of discovering their sexuality. QLives has a great series of videos, and celebs like Troye Sivan have also shared videos on YouTube.

It might help to read up on sexuality – it’s a broad spectrum of feelings and experiences, and is definitely not as black and white as some people might think.

Settle in with a book or a movie that explores the lives of LGBTQIA+ young people.

Types of sexuality People use a few common labels to identify their sexuality. Your sexuality isn’t defined by who you have sex with – it’s about how you feel and how you choose to identify yourself. The important thing is that you choose what label feels comfortable, or you choose no label at all. You might find, like many others have, that the label you choose changes over time.

Straight/Heterosexual

Attracted mostly to people of the opposite sex or gender.

Gay/Homosexual

Attracted mostly to people of the same sex or gender (refers to guys – and often to girls, too).

Lesbian

Attracted mostly to people of the same sex or gender (refers to women).

Bisexual

Attracted to both men and women.

Pansexual

Attracted to romantic and sexual partners of any gender, sex or sexual identity. (‘Pan’ means ‘all’.)

Polysexual

Attracted to romantic and sexual partners of many but not all genders, sexes or sexual identities. (‘Poly’ means ‘many’.)

Asexual

Not really sexually attracted to anyone.

Some people also choose the labels ‘queer’ or ‘fluid’ as a way of expressing themselves by their own personal feelings.

Your sexuality can be confusing Don’t worry if you aren't sure about your sexuality. Being young is a time for figuring out what works for you. Exploring and managing strong feelings is often part of the experience. Whatever is going on, questioning and exploring your sexual identity can be confusing and scary. You might be worried about how the people you love will react, or what it means for your future. It's important to remember that, while it might feel overwhelming, you’re more than capable of getting through this tough period – and it won’t last forever.

Do I have to ‘come out’? The phrase ‘coming out’ is often used for the conversations we have about sexuality. Most of the stories we hear about LGBTQIA+ people relate to how and when they ‘came out’ – and it can make it feel like a big event or announcement. While that can feel right for some people, it’s not for everyone.

You are the most important person in this situation, so don’t feel like you need to do or say anything that puts other people’s needs before yours. It’s entirely up to you whether, when and how you share your thoughts on your sexuality.

Twenty10 suggests that, rather than ‘coming out’, ‘inviting in’ can be a good option for some people. This way, you can share your thoughts on sexuality and what it means to you with the people closest to you.

Rather than feeling like you have to announce exactly who and what you identify as, you can just have a conversation about where your head’s at and what you think about sexuality, and take people on a journey with you.

I’m ready to talk – but how do I actually have the conversation? If you’re ready to come out or invite in, there are some things to keep in mind:

Think about how you will look after yourself after the conversation. You might want to put your feet up and indulge in a show that celebrates the queer community, or perhaps you’ll debrief with a support service. Be clear with yourself about who you’re ready to share with. Let those people know what you need from them. Do you want them simply to listen, or to share their experiences, or offer advice or support, or even help you talk to others? Give yourself the time you need to have this chat – you don’t want to feel hurried or rushed. Prepare what you’re going to say ahead of time so you feel as confident as possible. Allow people to be surprised. Give them time to process the information, and remember that it may take more than one conversation. Be aware that first reactions won’t always last. You may not get the reaction you want, but that doesn’t mean it will always be that way. If someone reacts negatively, be patient but remember that you can walk away. You don’t have to cop poor treatment, so get yourself out of the situation if you need to.

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to these things, so what has worked for other people may not work for you. It’s up to you to find your own way of handling it – to decide what it means for your life and how you eventually choose to identify. There’s no right or wrong way to be you, and you’re now well on your way to celebrating what makes you unique.

One of the hardest parts is deciding to get some support – and you’ve done that. We’re so proud of you! You’ve been courageous and strong just opening this webpage, so we know you’ve got what it takes to handle whatever comes next.

Dealing with people who don’t like your sexuality It’s important to recognise that we’re all different, and that the things that feel right for us are different from the things that feel right for someone else. We should be respectful of and positive about other people’s sexuality or sexual relationships, and support their right to explore their sexuality in a safe, consensual and responsible way.

If you need help

It’s never okay for someone to harass you or make you feel bad about your sexuality. You never have to deal with this kind of treatment from others on your own. There are a number of services that can offer you support if you’re being harassed or bullied based on your sexuality

[aikainkauna]

Apologies to @acitymadeofsong for not being able to respond to this in the normal way, because for some reason, Tumblr still isn’t letting me. (Do other people suffer from the reply arrows still being gone? Or have mine just been swallowed up by my AdBlock Plus settings or something after Tumblr’s layout fuckery?!?)

Anyway, yeah, I think a part of it is that fear. But it’s also fucking horrid because that sort of attitude creates nothing except stagnation, of course--we all imagine what life must be like for different people (and dragons and whatnot) all the time, but this idiotic callout culture censors our actually writing about it if it doesn’t fit into some (nonexistent) Politically Correct And Ideal Representation :P It’s like how the RPF haters scream about it being wrong and immoral when people have whacked off to celebs since the fucking gladiator days! And suddenly I’m immoral for fucking posting that fantasy I wanked to last night on the internet for like-minded people to share (the haters *really* ought to go after the Old Hollywood ‘biographers’ who insist their badly-written gay porn is Actually Real, for crying out loud; RPF never does and always admits it’s a fantasy). Same thing with photomanips; somehow it’s ok to *write* about the filthiest porn but photorealistic porn visuals are only EVER degrading, objectifying Blokey Porn and never, ever a visually-orientated woman’s fantasy about actual people, not objects, valid in its own right. Ho hum.

I do think a big part of the quality fail is the way the internet and fandom have become more navel-gazey, though. There are not communities as such, just a bunch of soapboxes and high pedestals of Specialness from which people can take potshots. There’s so little discussion--and with it, very little *flexibility* from anyone, little accommodation of others, and everything just becomes so bloody polarised. Nobody is prepared to expand their points of view or to genuinely think of different points of view even if there’s so much yelling about tolerance and diversity and whatnot. It’s never an inclusive thing anyway, just a bunch of egos that forget there are other ways of being Minority X or Gender Y or whatever than their own. If I, for instance, stuck to the Approved Idea of what mainstream--now-super-fucking-conservative-- Muslims want to represent themselves as (and what Western liberals seem to have swallowed as the only real, PC view even if they’d *never* support a Republican idea of what their own culture was), I could never write about queer ones or veilless ones or ones that enjoyed sex, for instance, and that would mean that the conservative view (being the loudest and most violent) would remain the only one, even if those other voices and views exist and have always existed.

But I digress. I do think the biggest problem is the navel-gazing, this autistic level of self-absorption and being locked up in your own experience (look, I’m fucking autistic; I have to be aware of those times I’m too trapped inside of my own head!). And it’s schizophrenic in the sense that you can pretty much crystallise female socialisation as the terror of “What About Other People?”--us always being made to be hysterically worried about what others may think--yet all these supposedly diverse voices are extremely introverted and blinkered and only speaking for that one individual.

It’s like how when you’re depressed and anxious and that makes you super-paranoid about other people and how they see you, but that concentration on your own flaws (or whatever you’re being Oppressed for) just literally makes you into a selfish git. You become so locked in this anxiety that you can’t put yourself in others’ shoes at all. And that means fanfics suffer because instead of trying to imagine what that particular canon character might do in a situation, all you can hear is your *own* logic, your *own* angst, your *own* coping methods. Or, in a more benevolent way, you’re so frenzied by lust that your fetishes override everything when you just really want to see your characters do Kink X as quickly as possible, with not enough character/plot development to give it a plausible context (I’ve most certainly been guilty of that).

Aaaaand the weight of the storytelling shifts more and more to the OCS because they allow you to write about yourself and your kinks even more heavily. But whether that makes for good fic is a different thing entirely. I know people go on about characterisation and the suspension of disbelief in *some* corners of fandom, still, but there’s this brain-breaking culture of “write whatever you want!!!” that allows a bit too much laziness and just shitty fic for my bullshit sensors to pass through. Like, nobody’s a genius writer when they start, but there’s this culture of effort and skill and even characterisation being made secondary to what YOU want and what YOU are all about. This well-meaning but misguided encouragement to “just express yourself”--especially when it’s in the context of fanfic is understandable, but that should never mean that you shouldn’t at least *try* and write your thing well if you are so desperate to get other people to like it. You know?

Why is nobody talking about that basic idea of “ok, write your fetishes and pet peeves BUT try and make them relatable instead of the story just being a blog post about yourself?” Luke Skywalker was George Lucas’s fantasy but he researched his Campbell and applied really basic narratives of many historical and legendary heroes to the guy, tried and tested stuff, and that’s why Star Wars worked. And when you’re writing porn, of all things--and shippiness in general--you’re working with such a big bag of relatable tropes and words and concepts and actions from the entire human history of love that it’s not even *that* difficult to write a good love story or a sex scene. I’d argue that’s at times the *easiest* way to get away with your fetishes, even.

But people just don’t even try anymore. And that saddens me a great deal, because when I go on Ao3 I want stories about my favourite characters, but just get plunged into teenage angst instead. If I want teenage angst, I will read Tumblr and agony aunt columns, for crying out loud. If you want to be so damn self-expressive, at least have to courage to admit it’s yourself and your experience you’re writing about. The having to hide, really poorly, behind fictional characters is *painful* to look at when it’s become so transparent people are losing the very skill to mask, let alone work their issues into altogether new stories anymore.

Even if a certain human anxiety is behind so, so many great works of art anyway--but the great works of art were and are different because the angst has been refined into an entirely new, engaging story. Medieval Danish princes talking about choosing between life or suicide in a way that’s at once believable for his medieval setting, relatable to audiences in 1600 AND still relevant in the 2000s, anyone?

It’s not even that bloody difficult to exercise some quality control and to walk in other people’s shoes for a bit. Honest. Even *trying* to work a bit harder to make your thing more plausible/relatable and Not Just About Yourself would help a great deal to lift fic out of this mire it’s now in.