#it’s also hella expensive and it scared me i broke it and it’s a shared department machine💀

[transmechanicus]

Fuck this thang for not detecting it was balanced for like 40 fucking minutes bc it turns out it has a weight limit that is only written on the product info for the disposable bottles it uses🖕🏻🖕🏻

[gabzlovesu]

VALENTINE'S DAY STORYTIME:

here’s what happened...

we celebrated valentine's day on saturday because i wasn't sure what my schedule for monday was gonna look like — nursing school doesn't stop for nobody yall and i can't afford to get behind. i had to study for an exam on sunday and the restaurant wasn't gonna be open that day, so we settled for the latest reservation we could get at char on saturday, which was 12:00.

ok say boom, friday night i washed my hair and prepped it for my wig and stuff, but ya girl was in distress because i didn't finish until like 1 or 2 in the morning and my hair was still a little damp. so i'm like, i'll just get up in the morning to put it on.

saturday morning i get up at 8 and to lay my wig — almost burning myself in the process — and do my makeup. and look...i'm no pro but i did wtf i had to do! i was on crunch time with only 3 hours to get ready and i mf did that! i literally did not get dressed up until the last minute and i was scared that we weren't going to make our brunch reservation. here's my otufit ig, i literally don't know how to take pictures so don't say nothing:

i tell him to pull up to my dorm because i'm getting dressed and it will only take a few minutes to get myself together and the resturant was just down the street. AS SOON AS I GET DRESSED I REALIZE I DON'T HAVE MY WINTER COAT! but being the bad bitch that i am i was just gonna suck it up and go out in the 30 degree weather and just grab my coat from the car. that would be fine right? NOPE! i fucking forgot that my sister took the car to work that morning so i wouldn't be able to get my jacket. when my bf pulled up i literally sprinted to the car with his gift in my arms looking like a skank 😭 but yall would do it too for a check!

we made it in time, we get our table with no wait at all. cool. and i just know people are staring at me for being dressed like this when its freezing outside, idgaf tho and they need to worry about they food. we had the stupid chocolate milk debate at the table lmaooooo. anyways, i got the shrimp and grits and he got the chicken and biscuits (ya know some real southern shit purrr). now exaplain to me why my shit was expensive and i got like a cup of grits and 5 pieces of shrimp and this man had hella food for less. i was cheated yall, but he did share some of his food with me hehe 🥰 we got desert also, which was alright but the options were limited and i'm a picky eater lol. here's my food:

he takes me back to my place so i can change into some comfy clothes and clean up my room before i go to his apartment. and we made a quick stop by walgreens on the way to his place.... iykyk.

so we walk up the stairs and he like pauses before he opens the door, and i'm just like, you good bro?? BUT IT TURNS OUT HE HAD ROSE PETALS LEADING TO HIS ROOM WHERE THEY WERE ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND ON THE BED IN A HEART SHAPE WITH CHOCOLATES AND A BIG SQUISHMALLOW!!! he knows i loves squishmallows, they're so cutee aaghhhhh. he also said that he will take me to get a mani pedi wenever i want; he didn't want to make an appointment in advance because he knows nursing school has my schedule all fucked up. then he opened my gift which was a basket full of candy, a card, the new pokemon game that he wanted so bad, and a nike gift card.

and ummm this is the nsfw part so go away if your not 18+ or you don't want to read it. so we started making out and shit and my clothes just disappeared like idk what happened yall 🤷🏽‍♀️ he at my coochie, as he should, and then broke my back while folding me in half like a lawn chair. there were some slipups, like a rose petal got stuck in my butt crack and i didn't even know lmfao, and i said "you gonna fuck me like a slut?" and he didn't respond how i wanted him too and i was embarazzed (he's so vanilla yall, we're working on that tho). then this man said — and i quote— "squirt all over my dick" EXCUSE ME??!!! WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT BECAUSE I AINT NEVER HEARD YOU SAY THAT BEFORE OMGGGGG...but i did it tho sskksks.

when we were finish we really just laid around and had a chill day after that, we don't have to be doing much to enjoy each other's company. i watched him play the pokemon game for a little bit before watching tiktoks on my phone. eventually he fell asleep (that coochie knocked him out 😮‍💨) i was fighting off sleep but i stayed up to study a little for my exam. we eventually went on a food run with his friends that night an then went to sleep. i did unfortunately loose my BRAND FREAKING NEW set of lashes that i had put on that day :(

BUT I LOVED OUR VALENTINE'S DAY AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH OKAY BYEEEE!

[willowistic22]

New jomike hc au!post college

I came up with this au in my head for awhile now some hc’s regarding this new au on a whim bcs i wanted to tell my friends abt it on a discord server. I thought it’s time it sees the light of day bcs i simply cannot keep it in me anymore. Also this is kind of inspired by the song Dorothea - Taylor Swift. 

Everyone is graduating so que the sappy goodbyes as they’re all gonna be scattered not just all around the us but also all around the world

The couples made a truce whether to do long distance or they share the same dreams so they do it together

But mike and jojo didn’t make things work in the end so they broke up before graduation but still went to prom together

y’know those kinds of high school hearthache

Bcs Mike stayed in new york but jojo flew away (like england or sumn idk) 

To some fancy elite school bcs he’s smart yknow

He wanted to from the start but he’s always been a bit torned bcs he knew from the start of the relationship mike was the one (call it stupid young love or whatever you want, i call it destiny:))

And mike never wanted to hold him down so he was the one that proposed the idea to him

For the most part it worked out

Jojo flew away to chase his dreams

Mike stayed and did the same thing

Both of them only kinda sorta moved on. Met new people but never fully stopped thinking abt the other. Wishing the other was by their side right now

And so they’ve gotten their degrees and gotten their dream jobs

Mike is a coder working in a video game company while jojo is in social media marketing after finishing business school (or whatever major required for that job field idk)

And they kinda hv their life together. Jojo living on his own in a studio apartment with a cat called Dorothea (see what i did there:)) money doesn’t concern him all that much bcs the job pays nicely and he’s good at handling his finances 

Mike lives alongside with his brother ike in a nice apartment too. He manages to get a position that allows him to work flexibly at home yknow. He also has a new kitten he saved from the streets named Honey (bcs his fur is orange like honey) and since his older cat had died of old age

But mike lives with ike who also lives with hotshot. So he’s like always the third wheel. Even worse when ike and hotshot are hving the occasional double date with race and spot. Mike feels even more worse at those time

Decides to hide away in his room or go out with the excuse being work

And its even worse remembering he used to go on double dates with ike and hotshot when him and jojo were still a thing

So ike is like ‘yknow what? I hv enough of this shit’ and hv one good brother to brother talk

‘Dude. It’s been years already. How are you not over him?’

‘Bcs he’s jojo...’

‘Ok? So why don’t you call him?’

It’s not like mike has never thought of calling him. Very much possible. They still follow each other’s social media’s so if his old number had changed he cld always just ask from a simple dm since mike knows jojo is still active in his social media accs

But mike is like ‘i can’t. He cld be taken for all i know. Even if he weren’t, he seems to be doing fine on his own’

‘You can’t really get to know a person through instagram posts. Remember how you tried that the first time you wanted to ask him out? You thought he didn’t like guys and yet still went on a date with you anyways’

That was a real slap in the face type of sentence yknow so mike is working up a lot of courage and planned a lot on what he’s gonna do

He first wanted to message jojo. Seeing if it’s still okay to call and all. But he cldn’t figure out what to say so he procrastinated on that part

Ike got sick of it so he took the phone from mike and messaged ‘can we call? I miss you’

Mike was hovering in between i will murder you or thank you @ ike

Either way jojo texts back with his new number. It’s gonna add up on his usual phone bill but he thinks it’s worth it.

Ok so they talked for like soooo long

7?8?hours?

Basically the whole night for mike

It felt like high school all over again

They were just catching up with each other and talking abt absolute bullshit at the same time

Till they got to the point where they mentioned how they’re both single and the air kinda shifts

Deep down mike and jojo knows what this means

As far as jojo is concerned, mike was the one that messaged him that he misses him

It’s easy now for mike to word out come home without indirectly saying it out loud in case that’s not what jojo wants

Bcs after that catching up, he knows that as much as it’s a dream for jojo to work at a big well known fashion brand (he’s pretty fashionable lmao) and get free products that are usually hella expensive from the brand, he hates everyone he works with. Real snobs and ruthless when it comes to getting a higher position

The other things abt his new life is pretty interesting and he loves it. But he admits there’s always been something missing and mike so badly wants to be that something missing in jojo’s new life

So it comes out straight forward. Not like how mike had planned, but it works in the end. ‘Come home’

And jojo does exactly that. He agrees to come home for the weekend. He books a ticket to new york then back with only a carry on duffle bag filled with a few assortments of clothing and booked it out after telling dorothea he won’t be long.

He rushes to the airport bcs he kinda booked the flight that leaves for new york as soon as possible. Perhaps deep down jojo really does know what he’s been missing in his life?

He lands in new york on a friday night new york time

Mike tells him not to worry abt what he’s wearing bcs he just wants to meet jojo at a central park bench that has long became an important spot for them

Jojo insisted on meeting as soon as he lands which is tonight. So the whole time he’s in the cab, he’s like soooo shaky and nervous it kinda drove the cab driver anxious as well. Bcs like jojo’s not talking and didn’t like say anything abt why he’s going to central park this late at night and not to some fancy hotel as most travelers wld do when they first arrive at new york

The moment the cab stops, jojo basically threw him a wad of cash. Probably too much than the actual price of the ride but he just called out from the back of his shoulder saying it’s a huge tip. Secretly, he’s thanking the cab driver for not asking him why he’s in new york and why central park at this time. It’d most likely make him even more nervous

He’s running on the path. He doesn’t reach full speed bcs his duffle bag is weighing him down. He doesn’t even know why he’s going so fast. It’s not like mike has anything else planned

Picture jojo frantically looking around the area like he’s a lost little boy in the dark. Barely seeing anyone else in ten vicinity, so any figure out at this ungodly time rn cld only mean is mike.

But he’s growing worried bcs it doesn’t seem like he’s around

Until ofc ‘jojo!’

Jojo whips his head around and sees Mike walking up to the bench from a different direction

They didn’t really do anythign at the start. They just stared at each other while standing in the dark approximately 10 feet apart. Jojo waits for a sign from mike to do anything else, though mike was doing the same thing for jojo

Until mike decides to break the 1 minute long silence ‘jojo-‘

But he didn’t continue bcs jojo was already running up to him the moment his mouth moves and tackles him into the tightest hug ever

His duffle bag was dropped halfway from the run so there was no holding back. The hug very much pushed mike’s soul out of his figure as much as it did to his body

Thankfully, mike hugged back just as tight. If not, it was a sign for jojo that it wasn’t okay to go in for a hug just yet and he wld pull back really quick

In time, jojo did end up pulling back to look at mike’s face up close and whisper ‘i still love you’

Which is really out of nature for jojo bcs he’s never really known to be the risk taker between the two

And mike was so happy at that moment that he just pulls jojo in for a kiss.

And that folks, is how they got back together:)

So everyone has agreed that airplane food sucks ass (for the most part at least. 

Jojo was forced to eat it on his plane back to new york but he didn’t like finish it

Probably bcs he was so nervous and it also didn’t look so appetizing

So after they’ve said their heartfelt ‘i still love you’s and etc mike took him back to his apartment after finding out he doesn’t hv a place to stay. He’d stay at his parents place but the de la guerra’s hv long moved out of new york. You can say the similarities between jojo and his parents are that they like to travel. They sold their house and ended up backpacking across the world to look for a place to retire inevitably. Last time he checked up on his mom, the old couple is driving to Netherlands.

So mike took him home and cooked him dinner. They hv the apartment all to themselves since hotshot and ike are out

Unknowingly, jojo had sat on honey’s favorite spot on the couch and earned a disapproving meow from the little cat

Not until mike had properly introduced them that honey started to be nicer to jojo. And so they eat dinne ron the couch and talked.

Mike admitted calling him has been on his mind for quite some time but was too scared to act up on it. And jojo said what he did just now was the most compulsive and adrenaline rush thing he’s ever done. The roles had reversed for the moment

But now they’re back where they’ve always belong. In each other’s grasp while looking out the balcony in the tiny living room to watch the sunrise and then getting surprised seeing ike and hotshot pile in the apartment

And so now they’re back. They make the most of the weekend to talk abt what they really want

Jojo wants to quit his old job. The firm is full of snobby and arrogant ppl

And it has him working almost 24/7. He doesn’t want that

Mike on the other hand wants to hv a period of his life where he’s traveling full time

So they took inspiration from ike and hotshot’s current plan : get a mini bus to convert it into a home

In conclusion jojo quits his job, moves back to new york along with his cat dorothea so he can live with mike to make that converted bus plan. After securing a proper job that let’s him work at home flexibly like mike’s, they get on with their plan and sets off to travel in their house on wheels with their two cats. They end up getting married ofc and lived happily ever after:)

Thank you and goodnight folks hsnsgsbssjshmshssmhs

[bokutosbubblebutt]

A/N- I know Valentine's Day is over but I was really busy with school and I had no chance to finish it

And it turned out really cute and I like it

It's Valentine's Day

Awsten and you were roommates for almost two years now. None of you has a partner and honestly weren't interested in anyone. You were really close and liked each other a lot. You actually like him more than a friend but sadly you were to shy to ask him out. And if he'd say no it would be really weird for the both of you.

It was Tuesday which means 3 days before Valentine's Day and none of you had a valentine. You never talked about it so you didn't even cared if you have someone or not. You would be sitting in your room and would watch some cheesy teenage romcom movies while eating ice cream. Last year awsten wasn't at home because he met this girl but he went on a date with her just two or three times. You thought she was kinda sweet but a little bit dumb to be honest.

But this year it was different.

Both of you were sitting in the living room on your phones. Not speaking with each other or anything. But after a while the green haired boy broke the silence.

„Geoff is going to surprise his wife with a romantic wellness day on Friday. I think that's like really cute." he laughed and put his phone away.

„Hm? Why, what's on Friday?" you asked a bit confused.

„Valentine's day." he just said and stared against the floor. You could feel that he was nervous because he played with his rings and his leg was bouncing all the time.

„Ouh! I forgot. But yeah, that's really sweet. They definitely deserve a little bit alone time. Where is Farore gonna be?"

„I don't know. I guess by her grandparents? And he didn't asked us to take care of her." he laughed. „Uhm, are, are you going to do something on Valentine's Day?" Nervously he stared at you and hold his breath.

You shook your head and looked at him. Is he going to ask if you wanna be his valentine this year? I mean you wouldn't say no since you have a big crush on him. „Nah, and if, I would tell you." you answered and smirked.

„Maybe, maybe, do you wanna be my valentine this year? Like we could go to a fancy restaurant and then watch movies. Or at least we could spend some time together?" he asked very shy and almost scared of your reaction.

You giggled and could feel the heat in your cheeks. He was so cute and it's really nice that he asked you. „Awsten, of course I want to be your valentine." you said and pet his knee since you were sitting next to each other on the couch. Happily he started breathing again and had a cute smile on his face.

———————TIME SKIP————————

The last days you didn't talked about Friday evening. You just said to him that you don't have to go to a fancy restaurant or do something special but he told you he already made a reservation. He was really sweet and every time you are falling even more for him.

You got really close over the years of friendship and since you are roommates. You have your own little routine everyday. When you leave to work and he's still asleep -which is almost every time- you make him coffee and write him a little note on a post it. And when you come home from work and he's not there he leaves you one, too. Sometimes he tries to cook something for you, since you are extremely good at it and he always feels bad that you have to make the food, but he's not very talented at it. People ask you a lot why you are not in a relationship but you just laugh it awkwardly of. You really have a crush on him but sadly you are too shy and embarrassed to ask him on a „real" date.

Is this Valentine's Day thing even a date?

It was 5 pm as you got a text from him.

»I'm going to pick you up at 6

»Wear something nice like the red dress you bought

The last time you were shopping with him he forced you to buy this red dress you really liked. It was short, really tight and had a few lace ornaments on it. He even made you to try it on because you said you would look awful in it but then it fitted perfectly.

Honestly you wanted to look good today. Not as always like a bag of potatoes. You started to do your make up and finished 30 minutes later with a pretty good look. After you put the fake lashes on, you straightened your hair and tried to make a kind of messy ponytail but it didn't worked out pretty well so you just went with your hair opened.

Finally you were standing in front of the mirror looking like a snack. Now you started to panick a little and got really nervous. Of course you went out with him a few times but today it's really special.

Your phone made a sound and you got a message from Awsten.

»Are you ready? I'm waiting outside

                                             Yeah, I'm coming«

Nervously you put your shoes on, which were black pumps. You also grabbed your purse and put the last things in it. A last check in the mirror and now you opened the door to go outside of your apartment. You had to go downstairs and you could feel how weak your knees were.

What the hell is this boy doing to you?

Minutes later you opened the last door and saw Awsten leaning against his car. He raised his head and looked a you. A exited smile was on his face. Quickly he grabbed something behind his back and now he is holding a bunch of roses in his hand.

„Hey! These are you for you!" He grinned and gave you the flowers. „You look great! Like amazing!"

The blood was rushing to your cheeks and you could feel that they are bright pink now. He is so sweet.

„I didn't know you were such a hopeless romantic. But Thank you and I think you knew that I don't need things like that. But thank you. And you look also really good." you laughed and smelled the roses. They smelled amazing. And awsten looked really good today. He wore a black blazer and a white shirt under it. You never saw him like this and it made him even more attractive.

He helped you getting into the car and you put the flowers in the back seat. You were still kinda nervous but not that much anymore. Awsten jumped in and started to drive.

„You look really amazing. Like damn." he laughed and tried to make a conversation.

„Thanks. And thanks that you forced me to buy it." you giggled and looked at him.

His green hair was glowing because of the black blazer.

He asked about your day and you told him everything you did. Then he did the same. After a 20 minutes drive you stopped at a really expensive looking restaurant. You never saw it but it looked pretty nice.

He got out of the car and opens your door.

„Miss Y/L/N!" he reached out for your hand and you gave it him. Awsten gave someone the car keys who's job is it to park the cars. After that you walked in the restaurant still holding his hand.

„Good evening! How can I help you?" a butler greeted you.

„Hello, I made a reservation." Awsten answered.

„What's your name, sir?"

„Knight! Mr. Knight." he said. The butler searched and found his name on the sheet.

„And you are the girl he had to rescue?" the butler joked.

You just laughed and looked awkwardly to „your knight".

„This is the Seat. Another butler will come and take your order."

Awsten was a real gentleman tonight and helped you even with your chair. That's so unusual for him. Of course he's always really respectful and he had good manners but today he is giving his best. The restaurant was really fancy and looked way to good for you. The aesthetic was red and gold and everything looked so expensive. But both of you matched the vibes.

„Do you like it here?" he asked.

You nodded. „It's way too good for me." You chuckled.

The other butler came and ordered the drinks you wanted.

„If you want to drink a glas of wine or I don't know champagne, that's okay! I don't care." awsten said but you shook your head and ordered also a water. The butler gave you the menu and went away.

„I can't decide! Everything sound so delicious. But it's also hella expensive." you said while you was going trough the menu.

„You know what? First of all, the price doesn't matter and the second thing is, I'm going to choose what you eat!" he said. You rolled your eyes but at least you don't have to pick a dish.

The rest of the dinner was pretty chill. The food what Awsten ordered was really good and it couldn't be better. A few musicians played music and Someone even did a proposal. That was really cute.

„Let's Play a Game." you Said. „We have to guess what other people are talking about. I start!"

you picked an old couple.

„Bob, stop chewing with an open mouth. I don't want to see what you eat." you mocked the old lady.

„Margrett, why are you always picking on me?"

„We are married for over 50 years now and I told you a hundred times to stop doing it!“

„Doing what?"

Awsten started to laugh and you also giggled a lot.

„Okay, okay now it's my turn! Do you see this couple right there?" You nodded.

„Honey, what do you think the kids are doing now?"

„Darling, I told you to forget the kids. Today is our day."

„But they are so small!"

„They are not even alone-"

Awsten got interrupted by a butler.

„Since today it's Valentine's Day, every couple gets a free dessert." he said and put a good looking chocolate cake with some ice cream on our table.

We both said thank you and looked at each other.

„Wait, close your eyes!" awsten said and I did what he told me. After I few seconds he told me to open my mouth and he fed me with the cake. It tastes really good.

„Mmm!" you almost moaned because it tasted delicious. The cake was still warm and the ice cream made it even better.

Awsten also tasted it and closed his eyes. You watched him while he enjoyed the food. After he opened them again you were staring into each other's. It felt like the time stoped and only the two of you were there. You could see how his pupils widened and he started to smile.

„Uhm, yeah! It’s really good.“ he broke the moment and brought us back to the reality.

You cleared your voice and grabbed your own fork. Silently you shared your dessert.

What the hell was this? Can I get this again? The feeling was wild, you just zoned out and it was only you and him. You could feel the butterflies in your stomach and your whole body was feeling kinda fuzzy.

After we finished it and a butler came to get it, there was a uncomfortable silence.

„Uhm, you are not going to pay alone! We will split!“ you said and grabbed your purse.

„Nope! I will pay!“ he also grabbed his purse.

„But I don’t want you to pay everything alone.“

„But this date was my idea!“ he laughed.

HE SAID IT!

„A date?“ you chuckled. His cheeks turned bright red and he looked embarrassed away.

„I guess! I really like you, you know. And I thought this would be a good chance to, I don’t know, make it not that obvious.“ he explained and smiled shyly.

„You like me?“ you Said and giggled a little Bit.

He nodded and looked up into your eyes.

You grabbed his hand. „I like you too, awsten.“

Your faces where almost an inch apart from each other. He slowly came close to you until he finished the last part and you were kissing.

Your whole body was exploding and felt really fuzzy and sparkly. The feeling was amazing.

His lips were soft and his mouth tasted like chocolate.

[lacrimosathedark]

Help, please

I know I have 2 posts like this but I just need to elaborate why I need monetary assistance and why I keep asking. I feel you have the right to know, to some limited extent, what you’re paying for. I also kind of need the vent...

I have major depressive disorder, multiple overlapping anxiety disorders including generalized, social, and PTSD, body/gender dysphoria, and an attention deficit and/or autism spectrum disorder. I may have more or my official diagnosis may have shifted so I may edit this part, but last I talked to my therapist about it that was my diagnosis.

I’m going through medications that don’t work. Or they don’t seem to. I also can’t keep taking them at a consistent schedule because my sleep schedule is incredibly out of whack, I’m incredibly forgetful, and even when I have a decent schedule, I get thrown off when my body starts “bloodletting”, because I try to sleep through it, stay in bed as long as possible so I don’t have to think about blood leaking because gravity, and then for at least the first day I’m curled up in pain desperately trying to sleep through it.

I currently don’t have the mental or emotional capacity for a full-time job and am not on assistance so I have no income. I want to do commissions, but I’m not certain I’m capable of doing anything or completing big projects. I can’t even complete my own projects.

Despite this, I pay for my own phone every month which is about $40, and with no income that’s terrifying because I end up begging for work or a loan from a family member.

I owe my father just short of a thousand dollars (he bought my laptop, which is faulty out of the box and I’ve been too anxious to return it and I was gonna pay for it with my financial aid that never came in) and I owe my mother over two thousand (for rent). And because I owe my father, I can’t bitch at him to replace the window he broke in my room. 

I have no means of transportation. I have been trying to be taught to drive for 5+ years and I am still without a licence cuz no one has taught me. The person who usually helps me get places is now too busy to do so and will be having surgery soon so she won’t be able to drive at all. I’ll hopefully be in a program soon to learn to drive, but I haven’t heard back yet. I also don’t have access to a car.

I have no friends so I have no reason to leave the house, and nowhere to go should I be able to leave. My therapist is not happy with me staying at home all the time and neither am I.

Last year I put in an application for group housing/assisted housing. Find out this past week my application had never been processed. That’s fixed but the waitlist is long and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get out of here.

A month or so ago I put in an application for food stamps/SNAP. Last week I got a call saying they didn’t have an application for me. My case manager still doesn’t know what’s going on.

My brother is abusive. He constantly makes an annoyance of himself. He stays up late and watches TV even when he knows I have a hearing sensitivity and sound outside of my room at night makes my skin crawl and I can’t sleep. He gripes on the fact that I’m an adult and I do less chores than him (I’m disabled as previously stated and he thinks he’s neurotypical, and he doesn’t even do the chores he’s assigned), that I can’t drive (no one will teach me I try so hard), and that I’m living at home (even though that’s not unusual anymore). He bitches about me living at home constantly. He calls me stupid, dumbass, retarded, idiot, slow, dumb, and many other things when I say something he finds odd or annoying. He has also called me bitch, whore, and cunt, amongst other things (whore doesn’t even make sense, he’s aware I’m not sexually active) (he has also jokingly called me a faggot in the past). He never leaves me alone even when I’m having a full meltdown and screaming. He laughs at me when I cry. He brushes me off whenever I try to explain things to him. He repeatedly tells me he doesn’t care. If I get bitchy enough and upset him beyond laughing at me, he will physically hurt me. I’ve had red marks and bruises. He’s ripped buttons off my clothes, that’s why I haven’t worn my cat hoodie in months. My bedroom doesn’t have a lock, so he can come into my room whenever, I can’t feel safe there, in my own space. He has and does openly mock my gender identity, recently he commented on my chest which is where I experience dysphoria most. He has no respect for anyone else’s things and I get in trouble when he eats mom’s food.

My mother is overworked. She works all day and most nights and she barely makes enough for us to get by. Because she’s so stressed, if I ever ask for anything, help, food, anything, she gets bitchy. I try to make helpful suggestions for the household and she turns it around like I’m the problem. She’s never around to do anything about her son and she gets mad when I call or text her at work for help because he’s upsetting or even scaring me. She tries to respect my gender identity but she gets frustrated when she realizes she messes up and she gets angry when I correct her and looks at me like I’m a bug on her shoe when I try to make suggestions to make it easier. When she’s extremely mad, she’ll use my issues against me, ex. yelling when I can’t look at her or when I glance away at a sudden movement, or screaming in my face despite my sensitive hearing. This is her at her worst, but her best is very rare because she’s under far too much pressure.

I haven’t bought clothes in months, maybe years. I don’t have anything that really matches my fashion sense, or anything I could wear for something like a job interview. Most of my clothes are hand-me-downs, and/or I’ve had since middle school.

I need to save up for surgery for a double mastectomy, or at the very least a reduction, both for my dysphoria and my health, because my chest is too large for my frame and it hurts my back and posture and I often have trouble breathing.

I’m having an increasing number of health problems and no understanding of how insurance works and with this political climate I should know this stuff, if something is really wrong I can’t afford to fix it.

I don’t want to be alone when I move out, I’d like to take one of the dogs or cats with me when I move out if I’m allowed, so I need to be able to support them too. I can’t be alone. It’d also be great to get them trained to help with anxiety/panic attacks, but that’s so hella expensive.

Sometimes to soothe my depression/anxiety I like to buy small treats or presents for myself, like candy or ice cream or coffee or soda (recently I’ve been buying raspberry Crofter’s), and I can’t afford to do that. I also like to bake when I’m stressed, and it makes me feel good to share what I make and have others enjoy it, but I can’t afford ingredients to make anything. 

This isn’t even listing things I want. This is all needs. If I started listing wants this would be much longer. But as you can see, I need a lot of help. Some people have already been ridiculously generous (I’ve gotten donations of $30 how??? and thank you!!!!) , but I feel like you should know why.

[diariesof-kg]

Listen Linda!

08_15_21

I am excited!!  My VH1 credit should be on my IMDB page real soon.  Pause why Black Panther is filming in ATL and I never knew when they started filming.  I definitely need an agent in ATL, I have the financial ability to fly back and forth.  I just don’t know if I am willing to shave my head.  Even if they offered me 500k, I’d still be hesitant. Lol.  And they are filming in the middle of fall and winter and I can’t stand being cold.  God is good!  I am unsure what to do with my health though.  Again, I’ve come to terms years ago, about what could possibly happen.  I bet ol girl would be happy if I perished, she wished it on me anyway. Lol, But that besides the point at hand.  Something is definitely wrong with my body and I am beyond over it.  Thank God for life insurance I guess.  I barely have debts except for my school loans.  I wrote out my goals, I just need to make a vision board at this point.  I am definitely hoping everything manifests.  I’ll be debt free by December of this year.  And then my credit score should be above average and then I figured out how to get a Tesla without spending 40k.  The most I am willing to spend is 30k but that’s where negotiating comes in.  Unless the car goes over 300 miles per charge, I am not spending that much.  I’ve driven a Tesla. Model S and the charge goes down quick with all the usage.  I want a model S so bad, but Ill take the Model 3 or Y. 

My child got out twice now.  I told her the outside is for the street cats and she’s not about that life, of course she responds. Lol.  I am definitely blessed for her.  Who would have thought I’d have a cat that responds and talks to me.  Understands commands.  It’s beyond crazy sometimes but I am grateful.  I remember after the incident I was crying so bad and Zena was trying to get in my lap but I kept putting her on the floor.  I feel so bad she waned to comfort me and I rejected it.  But I truly love her to death.  I bought her a leash to train her to go outside but she isn’t having it, but then yells at me to put it on.  I guess she runs everything.  She also loves helping the clients.  Lol.  Whether that’s talking while I’m on the phone or typing random shit from the keyboard.  

I finally broke my silence.  Not entirely.  I’m still hesitant about reaching out to my community about what happened to me.  I told one person in the industry and I said, it’s not about exploiting or exposing but it’s about safety.  If I was attacked I am sure it’ll happen to someone else and that’s the point of speaking on it.  I would be in the wrong if it was lies and I made up this whole story for revenge, but unfortunately it really happened.  I have the court documents saved as PDF and people can look it up with my name or the case number.  This is why I am blessed my record is clean.  Because on my IMDB, it shows if the industry is googling you or reviewing your page.  And if I had a criminal or something as a restraining order on my record, I could lose out on bookings.  Reputation matters.  Producers always call me back for a gig.  And no one wants to work with someone who can’t control their anger.  Thank God that isn’t me.  I can be upset, but I’d NEVER put my hands let alone bite someone.  I am hesitant about posting pictures of the bite, but I feel like that’s my finally closure.  Closure and forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  I think that’s how I am able to receive all these blessings.  I always forgive people in order to set myself free.  The misery I would feel if I didn’t. 

*side note; I am craving Prank’s Egg white omelette and potatoes. ; with some syrup.  I am not sure when I’ll make it over there but it’ll be soon.  Most places don’t even do egg white omelette which too me isn’t as dry as a regular omelette. It’s like being in love with the first bite, it’s so good. 

Imagine on my birthday a Tesla arrives.  Yall I’d pass out.  Lol.  I definitely want that car and then I’ll get a townhouse.  The way they check your credit though itll be tricky I suppose.  And of course mom can rent out my room.  This room is beyond 600 sq ft.  Its a whole ass studio.  Matter fact if she takes the entertainment room, where my sister sleeps and my room and the bathroom, that’s a steal.  I have been looking for townhouses to rent but some are two bedrooms and are tiny.  And I am spoiled to be honest.  I refuse to live in a box.  Which means paying over 2k a month.  But that’s the whole point of upgrading your life.  I will never forget when I met my brother for the first time and he said I was boujie because I had a Champion jacket on. Lol, SMH!  What’s so wrong with upgrading your life.  Phew, black people never can just say something is cute or looks good without the extras.  The Champion jacket was hella expensive and I bought it on my credit card, because I was broke.  I like the color and how it looked. Lol, never knew it would categorize me as boujie.  

That’s why lowkey I am scared to get the Tesla.  Because when next year comes around and I FINALLY heal and get myself right to date.  I don’t want to go out on a date and they think, because I have a Tesla I got monies.  I was ignorant for that too.  My ex has a big ass house and a Mercedes and I quickly learned it wasn’t even like that.  Plus a Mercedes is really an expensive Chrysler, both vehicles share the same interior, but who gon tell them?  Can we just clap for people who upgrade their lives.  Can we do that starting 2022.  My plan is at the end of this year to finish doing overtime and then grab my savings and get a loan, hopefully at least 20k and I pay the rest like 10-15k.  And BOOM a Tesla is born.  I am always planning, I created a whole financial excel sheet to predict how much I need to make to reach my goals.  Then I have my Godson and his future.  I may go ahead and put 5k in his savings just to set him in stone for the next two years.  I am waiting for my credit card to say zero!  If I have extra I might send my friends a couple racks.  When I am blessed I have to pass the blessings to the next.

I love the BUFFINS!!!  I just can’t over how beautiful their lives are.  Sevyn wanted Annie and she got her.  They proposed and got married and three years later had their first child and I am just so happy for them.  I am like this, let me re-manifest someone from the ATL.  Because my homeboy literally is moving to be with his fiance after meeting her a short time and he’s a Capricorn.  Listen, I was so close but I ended up getting violated violently, so lets start over.  Caps are so loyal and faithful.  But I am not ready to find someone yet.  I kind of want to establish a few things first.  I want to HEAL.  This was definitely a traumatizing experience.  Adding more to my PTSD.  I want to be comfortable speaking about it if asked.  There is a lot to work on at this time.  Plus, I want to get this car and this townhouse.  Also, I don’t want to be afraid to jump into the deep end.  Like when I fall in love again, I dont want to be hesitant to make someone my girlfriend, even if it’s a short period of time.  I don’t want to rush but I don’t want to hold back my emotions either.  I pray I can fall in love again.  I honestly do.  I thought I couldn’t and then I did to a person who attacked me.  Feels wasted.  I want to take chances.  I should have taken that second date with this other girl. Lol, fuck !  And I wouldn’t have been in this mess.  

To end this, I know relationships are not easy, I was in one for five years.  I have the strength but also, I don’t have to tolerate shit.  If the universe sends me a damn Taurus, we going straight to counseling, because I refuse.  Lol, they are literally all abusive asf.  In the meantime, I am waiting for the victims group to get back to me about my case.  If they agree, somebody going to jail and it’s not me.  I mean literally what happened to my bff ex, lordt.  we call her crazy bish, but she was mad she was arrested for the DV.  Like how can people be upset about their own actions that they chose.  Now you see why, when my bff asked if she was a Taurus and she said yes, why they were scared for me.  Lol, because them May Taurus are real life abusers.  Someone prove me wrong and Ill give them 10k.  But on a good note.  God is good!!!!!

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

The Diary of Losing You

Day One

I cant believe it, never did we ever talk about breaking up before this .. and now all of a sudden its happening. I cant process it. I cant accept it. Sure, we’ve had fights but I never felt like they were toxic. We never got to that point - we weren’t even close to that point. Was I too stubborn? Did you not like that? Because no matter how much I begged and bargained - you kept telling me, it was over. That you didnt have to explain things to me but you were doing it out of courtesy. But its hard to accept - not only because it was so sudden but because you told me you still liked me - and god knows, i still like you. You told me, you couldnt change and you knew that about yourself and honestly, I kind of admire that. I havent had a lot of boyfriends but the first one I had to accept cuz he stopped liking me - the other two were long over by the time we broke up - there was resentment in our relationship but we didnt know how to let go - so we kept holding on - even when it got so toxic and even when it was obvious we were much better off without each other. But its still hard. Why don’t you think we’re worth a second chance. i didnt even think it was so bad that it needed to be classified as a second chance - just that we were still trying to figure out the kinks with the first one. Even when I told you that if the same situation happens even one more time, you could break up w me - even if it was two weeks later - i wouldnt complain. But you told me that in that case you would just break up with me two weeks later because for you, the relationship was already over. You didnt think we were worth a second chance and that hurts a lot.  I spent hours begging you to reconsider - knowing that you wouldnt - but i still had to try. and then I spent hours after talking to two friends and crying my heart out to them. all i could think about was all the plans we made that would no longer come to pass. I questioned myself if I was missing the thing wed do together or miss you and yeah at that time i was grieving our breakup but grieving more the things that would no longer come to pass. Im used to seeing you once every three weeks but three weeks werent up yet and it still felt relatively normal i guess. but the fact that I also knew the sadness would hit when the three weeks were up also scared me.  sleep was my solace - when i sleep, i dont need to think anymore.  Day Two teaching as usual but then in the times i didnt have to actively teach - i could feel the tears forming in my eyes but its okay, i dont think anyone noticed. but then we had a break between classes and i started to talk to another friend and then i couldnt stop crying. crying so loud that my coteacher heard it and asked what was wrong, and of course needing to explain things out loud with my voice made it that much worse. I could pull myself together for when i was actually teaching the class but - i still miss everything about you. I had my sixth grade class and I was so happy. They were my worst class last year but they did so well on this exercise we thought they would have trouble with - and they did, but with some help they managed to finish, and they did well. The first person i wanted to talk to was you. I felt like all i ever did was complain in our relationship I really wanted to give you the good news. And you were nice enough that you listened to me, and told me that even before, just hearing from me was good news. and that felt incredibly bittersweet. before leaving school my coteacher told me to feel better but all i could think was that i missed you. I had dinner plans that night but they got cancelled - I called my cousin and he talked to me for hours just listening to me cry - and then talk about life - and listening to me cry again. He told me that you probably didnt like the way we communicated and decided to end it before it gets harder later on. I can respect that I said, but its too soon to call it quits - we never even tried. To him, I just wasnt worth trying.  Day Three teaching kept me busy for most of the morning - i didnt have much time to think about you. but after lunch, the sadness began to manifest itself again. I dont think anyone noticed, or maybe they pretended not to. but I started to think back on the times before you moved away. Before we were long distance or even a couple. How you were so good to me. How you made me food. How you stayed with me when i was sad and i just have so many regrets I wasnt adquately able to tell you how i felt about you. How i was constantly unsure about myself but how when you did ask me out, you told me that it was okay that i didnt know - it was okay if i was never able to say i love you because you could feel that saying “love” signified a very strong emotion for me that i wasnt sure i ever felt before, and even with just me saying “like” you knew and could tell that my feelings for you were really deep. Why is it that you miss them so much more when theyre gone? Why do i feel like I shouldve treated you better i shouldve done more and thought of you more and expressed my feelings to you better. but hindsight is always 20/20. I went to pole and then to see my friends at night. we went to karaoke and at this point only one of the two friends knows because i didnt wanna ruin the birthday celebrations coming up of the one who didnt know. Well we were singing “payphone” and she said that we were singing it like someone had broken our hearts and all i could do was pretend to laugh. For the record, I dont think u broke my heart. or i dont blame you. i just wish things ended differently - i wish we were worth another shot in your mind. But all of this, is just wishful thinking. And i know that.

Day Four

its the weekend, and the day we celebrate her birthday. its a rainy day and somehow every little thing reminds me of you. I havent felt like this after a break up in a long time - im not sure if ive ever felt like this after a break up at all. My last two were long over before we ended things and the one before that was the definition of puppy love - sure i thought about him, and maybe its because its been so long but i dont remember every little thing reminding me of him. The rain reminds me of you. I saw a couple walking under an umbrella and remembered that you bought this hella big and expensive umbrella so that we could share it together in the rain. when I was at the aquarium all i could think about was how nice it would be if i was there with you. I saw a boat and i could just think about your job and how youre a shipbuilding engineer. Even looking at myself in the mirror, i thought about how you bought a jean jacket so we could match. I thought about the white tennis shoes we wanted to buy so we could match together when a friend mentioned she needed new white shoes. I thought of all the cute little cafes you took me to when we went to eat a cafe. my friend said she wanted to go to a marsh she saw in my photos - the very same one you took me to. we went to a coin karaoke place and the first time i ever went to one was with you. and sometimes i didnt need a reminder - my mind would just wander and i would remember things i didnt even know I remembered. the time when we fought about women in the workforce and your industry in the cafe and at the car. how when i asked if you were still mad at me you said that you wish you said “oh maybe i am a little bit, but ill make a lot of money and buy u a nice purse” to defuse the situation instead of getting mad. How our very first date lasted two nights and three days. How you couldnt spend my birthday w me but spent valentines w me the next day. The night you asked me to be your girlfriend - and how scared but also how happy i was. How you always took me to so many places. How i always could complain to you and you would always listen w patience - how i just wanted you back - how i wanted you to hold me and tell me it was a mistake - that you didnt really wanna break up w me that you thought about it and you wanna try again.  but i also know, its wishful thinking and i know, that you wont come back to me.  Day Five No plans. it’s still raining. No reason to go out. Can’t find the will to clean my apartment thats getting messier and dirtier by the day. I just want to lie in bed. I’ve been swiping on tinder and talking to some ppl - not to find a rebound but just to talk to people - to feel less - lonely? dejected? idk. but it doesnt really work - it feels like a lot of effort that I cant give. Were conversations always this hard? i feel like ours were so easy. And then i start to think again. all the promises we made. You said you would still try to be friends with me. Can we still do the little things? even before we went out you said u would take me skiing in the winter - is that still on? you told me you would buy me a hanbok - how about that? will you still take me? I keep asking why its over for you. why another chance will never happen. but the whole day, i just lie in bed. I cant bring myself to do anything. I keep searching up things like how long it should take to get over you - but at the same time im not sure i want to. Its not over for me yet even if its over for you. I guess, im feeling all the beginning stages of grief at once. Shock and Denial - i know its over - my head knows it - my head knows that you wont take me back or give us another go but my heart still has that false hope. my heart doesnt want to give you up. Guilt and Pain - well the pain is self explanatory but the guilt - i just keep wondering if this was my fault. if I was too unwilling to change - or didnt know i needed to change until i realized u were serious when you said you were thinking of breaking up w me - if i never said “how about we just never talk again” in anger and sadness, would we have gotten to this point? Anger and Bargaining - im not really angry - i mean i dont think this was your fault or mine but i guess i am kind of upset at the fact that you dont think we’re worth a second shot. anything we argued about, even if it spanned across a couple of days, has never come up again. and this was the first time this particular issue came up so why could we both make steps and amends to keep this from happening. are we both too stubborn? but i was willing and it felt like you werent. you told me that even ur past gfs have said that sometimes they didnt feel like they really had a choice and it wasnt just me. so im assuming that this is something youre eventually going to have to fix for yourself or you find a girl whos okay with that - but you also said you didnt want a gf or a wife that was like a doll who just agreed w everything you said. so this just means to me that youre not willing to try and change. honestly, if youre aware of it, it shouldnt be a hard fix but you already made up your mind that you werent going to do it. in reality i just wasnt the one you were willing to make those steps towards. and that is where my sadness and anger come from. now bargaining - im really willing to make changes and kind of the biggest testament i can give to that is that if we could be together again, i could quit that game ive been playing for 2 years cold turkey. For whatever reason, you never liked me playing that game and if it means i could have you back, i would gladly get rid of it. as for the other things - i promise i wont pressure to be with you longer cuz i know your tired - now i know youre tired. because you never told me before. Im sorry i dont like to lose arguments and i get defensive - i know i need to communicate better too. but i just really miss you and it kills me that we never even gave it a chance. yes, maybe youre right and things wont change and i know you think youre doing me a favour by ending this sooner rather than later but it kills me more that we never tried. Depression Loneliness and Reflection - self explanatory maybe im not fully in this stage yet but I do realize that the bargaining is not going to work even if i hope that it would.  it isnt over to me and to be honest, im not sure i want to get over you yet, even tho i know i should. Day Six

a monday. i asked you yesterday if we could talk and you said you were busy. I’m sure even tho i know your answer, i will ask you today if you would reconsider. im sorry if this puts pressure on you but i think its also necessary that i know I at least tried for my own sanity instead of letting this go. I’m going to tell you everything ive been thinking the last several days just to get it out. and yes, there is still that false hope that you’ll take me back and when that’s crushed i will probably inevitably cry again. I’m not sure if talking to you so soon is the right answer, if later would give me a clearer head. but my heart is telling me that i need to ask you to reconsider now and not later - if only for the confirmation - that nail on the coffin, that we’re really not happening anymore. I asked you when you had time and you said 10pm. So after work, i go home and i write down everything i want to talk to you about - at least everything i can think of at the time of writing much of which i talked about here already - how i thank you for loving me and all the things you did for me, how i still hope youll keep ur promise about buying me a hanbok, about a possible snowboard trip, about my stages of grief - my denial, my anger, the bargaining, how it wasnt just you who needed to change but i do think you will eventually need to change for someone - that i was sad it wasnt me. how i wish you told me about the stresses of your job so id be more understanding, how you were the first guy i thought i could say i love you to. how im not good at this cuz my last two and only serious relationships ended long before we called it off but right now i still feel like i was starting to like you more and more. how u know to break it off now because it would hurt more for me later and you no longer wanted to see me cry but for me second chances and trying is important - which is why im bargaining with you even tho i know you will say no. i need to know i did everything I could. that im sad we didnt meet earlier and have a more stable realtionship and maybe it woulda worked out - that i was sad you had to move for your job because if you were still here things wouldve worked out differently. but i dunno - i hope youll listen with as open a mind as u can, really think about it before you reject me and ill know i did everything i could. 

[nottswitch]

I Did Something Bad

This is a song from Taylor Swift's Reputation, it spoke to me at the very moment I heard it. And writing about Billy is so much fun!

This whole thing turned out kinda quick and all over the place, in my opinion, but I wanted to share it anyway.

Hope you enjoy, guys :)

You had never trusted narcissists but they loved you. That's solid truth that couldn't be denied in any way. Somehow you always ended up with one of those selfish assholes who dumped you right after getting in your bed. Once you had enough of lonely mornings and cold beds and made a great, lifechanging decision — never get with a narcissist ever again. At first you were good, playing them like a violin.

"You make it look, oh, so easy, girl, how?" your friends often asked you. You just merely laughed at their words, being more than proud of yourself. Of course, it's easy, you thought, shutting the door of another guy's house.

He was just one of your toys as you were sure. He couldn't be anything more — although he was hella fine, you should admit. But they were all fine, it's a pattern with those guys to be hot and handsome.

His name was Billy Russo.

You met him in a bar, where, in your opinion, he didn't fit at all in his luxurious black suit and lacquered shoes. He looked out of this place — but so did you in a slim black dress and high heels, with a gold necklace that you rarely worn. You couldn't really explain how did you end up in a bar after an official meeting, but here you were, taking a cold glass of beer in your hand and staring at a handsome stranger, who, by the way, also seemed interested. He was obviously checking you out since the moment you walked in and after some minutes of glances at each other he decided to come up.

"What is such a fine woman doing in such a dirty place?" were the first words he said to you, putting a smirk on his lips.

"The same to you," you replied, eyeing his suit and appearence in general. "You don't seem like a kind of a person to visit small bars in city slums."

He grinned.

"I'm not this kind of a person indeed," he said to you. "But I didn't hear any response to my question."

"I can't explain why I'm here," you answered, taking a small sip from your glass of beer. It tasted awful so you put it away, wrinkling your nose from disgust.

"Horrible, right?" The stranger pointed in beer's direction with his head. "Never tried anything worse."

You nodded.

"Are you doing a secret task here that no one's allowed to learn about?" the man wondered, leaning on the bar counter.

"Maybe," you smiled mysteriously but then immidiately chuckled. "No, if for real, I don't know why the fuck my legs got me here. I have never been in this part of town."

"And is this your casual everyday look that you're wearing?"

"Not really, I hate high heels," you admitted. "I had a meeting — you know, those boring as fuck meeting when you don't know where to put yourself and just suffer as it goes."

"Oh, I'm familiar with those," he chuckled. "And I fully understand your hatred towards them."

For some time you both fell silent. You didn't know how to keep the conversation going, so did the man standing next to you. He knocked his fingers on a wooden surface of the bar and heaved a sigh, just to make some noise and fill the quietness. You did the same, thinking how awkward the moment was. And suddenly an idea crossed your mind.

"What's your name?" you asked him eagerly and his face lightened up with a grin. He was seemingly pleased to continue talking.

"I'm Russo. Billy Russo," he answered.

"What, like, Bond-James-Bond?" you teased him, raising your eyebrow and laughing slightly. "How dare you compare yourself to a legend?"

"I'd say I'm a better version," Billy said with a large smirk on his face.

"You don't suffer from a lack of self-esteem," you answered, rolling your eyes. He was just like all these guys you dated. Just like them.

Billy merely laughed in reply.

"You didn't tell me your name."

"I'm Y/N," you said, giving him your hand. He shook it, holding it a little bit longer and a little bit tighter than needed.

A devil in your head grinned. You already knew that you wanted to play with Billy Russo.

Everything went fast, to say the least. Billy definitely wasn't the one to be overly romantic and take you on millions of dates, he admitted it straight away. But nevertheless he often sent you flowers — expensive bouquets, usually red roses. He gave you jewellery — golden earrings, a beautiful diamond ring and what not. He took you to a luxurious restaurant on the second day after you first met. If you were an ordinary girl, you would fall for him already. But you've always remembered what your goal is. Play. Have fun. And then leave.

Love confessions weren't a thing in your case. Once you ended up in his bed and that's all. You remembered every second of that night — how his lips felt on your neck, how his hands gripped your waist, how your nails left scratches on his back. He was damn good, you couldn't deny it.

You were thinking about it while lying on his bed with his shirt on. Billy was right next to you, already sleeping. It was the right time to leave. That was exactly what you always did — had sex with a guy and then shut the door to his place and never came back. 'You gotta leave before you get left.' Those were the words you lived by.

But somehow you were hesitating now. What was happening to your rational mind? You didn't know but Billy Russo was doing something. He made you want more. You compared him to a strong drink: you get it once and then only want to taste it again. Billy had kind of the same effect.

You got up from the bed, trying to escape these harmful thoughts. You dress up and leave right now! And better do it as fast as possible, you don't need to wake up the man.

The next morning you could've been found in Billy's shower, hot water flowing down your body. You didn't leave and hated yourself more than usual.

"So, what's next?"

You two were sitting at the table in the same bar you first met at two months ago. Yes, two months have passed and still you were by Billy's side. You didn't believe yourself every time you stayed after a night. You didn't believe yourself every time you agreed to go out with him to have dinner. He was surely doing something to you and that something should've been got rid of.

"What's next?" you asked, slightly shaking your head to throw off your thoughts.

"That's what I'm interested in knowing." Billy frowned. "What comes next?"

"After what?" You weren't really understanding what he was talking about.

"After... us? I don't know," he hesitantly mumbled, being unsure all of a sudden. Did he went too fast? It was never a problem with him and his relationships, but now it became one. "Do you want... more than what we are?"

You widened your eyes, parting your lips, not believing what you just heard. He must be joking!

"You must be joking," you repeated after your thoughts.

He did went too fast. And too far.

"Your answer is 'no' then?"

It wasn't how he expected this conversation go, not at all. Billy Russo was used to girls jumping on him. Billy Russo was used to girls thinking he was the best man they have ever met. Billy Russo wasn't used to rejections.

"I mean... I haven't thought about it," you lied, looking away. "We can, maybe... talk about it later?"

This was it. The moment when you understood that you need to escape. You had two choices: you either leave as soon as you can or stay and break your heart. The first one seemed more appealing by all means.

"We can," Billy agreed, heaving a sigh.

You nervously laughed to yourself, your face still showing no emotions. You've never felt so afraid of your decisions. But it was right. Maybe you've been trying to persuade yourself, but it was right. You haven't fallen in love. For sure you haven't.

You have though. You realised it while packing your stuff tomorrow evening, your plane just three hours away. No, actually, you realised it earlier, while writing a message to Billy, explaining yourself. Not everything, just that you were flying away from the city. He wouldn't even notice, you thought. He's just one of the many.

Deep down you knew he wasn't. If he made you feel this way, he wasn't.

A phone call interrupted the silence. You frowned, looking at the unknown number, and reluctantly took the call. You weren't expecting anyone to call you so it was kinda surprising. As soon as you did, you were met by a worried voice of no one but Billy Russo.

"What the fuck, Y/N?" he exclaimed and you could hear him pacing around. "What the fuck is your fucking text about?"

You didn't know, what to answer. You also wasn't sure about why Billy called you from the number that wasn't his. You stood at one place, frozen and not being able to say anything.

"Is it because of our talk today?" he continued at the meantime. "I scared you off, right? Sure I did, why am I even asking!"

You wanted him to stop. You didn't want to hear a word from him ever again. Every single one he said broke your heart. You wanted to stay. But your mind told you that this move would make everything even worse. And you were eager to listen to your mind until it's too late.

"Please stop," you begged in a whisper. The voice on the other end of the line went silent. Billy was waiting for you to say at least something.

"My decision is unchangable," you continued, trying to sound more determined, but your trembling voice gave you away. "Completely."

"Why are you doing this? What's wrong?" It was obvious that Billy was worried. You had never heard him speaking this way before. "Is it my fault? I horribly fucked up?"

"It's not your fault," you simply said. "It's just... It will be better."

"For whom? For whom?!"

"For... us."

You never called you and Billy by this word. You covered your mouth with your hand, afraid of what you said. But Billy didn't seem to notice.

"Listen, Y/N. Is there anything I can do to persuade you to stay?"

It was a lot he was capable of doing. You knew it. He could pick the right words and you would obey. You didn't want it. That's why you answered nothing, ending the call, your hands shaking.

You left this evening. A tear rolled down your cheek as you watched the city, little by little disappearing in the clouds. You left your life there. You left Billy Russo.

He didn't say you what he could've said. He might have confessed you his feelings, that he never had before. Right after you hung up, he ran out of his house and started his car in a hope to catch you. He ran through the crowd, pushing the people from his way. But he was late. Your plane was ready to take off by that time. He watched it rising to the sky as he exited the airport. A lonely tear rolled down his cheek, just like yours did at the same exact moment.

You could have been the only woman to ever own Billy Russo's heart. Instead you became the only woman to make him cry. You did play him as you first intended. But did he do the same to you? Perhaps you just played each other. Or you both played yourself.

[thesefcknwurds]

Wrote this looking back /vent piece to get everything into words. It's just how I feel. I may or may or may not share this with you. If I do it's not for any specific intention except for putting it out there and maybe you understand. Understand why it affected me so much and why I responded the way I did. Understand what I mean when I say you fucked me over. Understand I'm hurt a lot more than my words can explain.

How in my moment of extreme weakness I needed your reassurance. And you left under the assumption that someone else will help me up. By the end of it you blamed me for being hurt. The entire time I was afraid of appearing too emotional or just looking like a bitch. In what was is your head a "gentle break up" was nothing but a lie you told yourself, and it sucks you tried to tell others that's all it was. The shit you told Sim Den was a disgusting oversimplification. Sure, the reason why was relatively simple, but the circumstances that you left me to deal with were just awful. There was a lot more that either you didn't pay attention to or didn't care. I don't think I overreacted, just obviously strongly and the opposite of how you wanted me to deal with things. It's where doing things your way got us, another example of it clearly not being healthy.

Not to say I was perfect, there are a few things I regret doing and saying... But I can't say any of it was without a reason behind it. I wish I didn't panic and blame myself as much as I did when the jealousy kicked in, but I know why it felt so strong and that It was ultimately there for a reason. Due to a few comments that you made before about you actually only being able to handle one partner at a time, and the complete 180° you made that week. You went from giving me lots of attention to "busy" with him and I could feel you drift away... And it fucking hurt and I was so incredibly scared. The worst part being that my jealousy wasn't even unjustly placed, because you did break up with me, you were thinking about it for days. When you just casually mentioned he came over so soon I knew you guys fucked and I knew you were ignoring me to do so. That was just another knife twist. But I tried to be calm about it at the time, I wish I didn't. I couldn't even tell myself I was being crazy or that I just pushed you away with my jealousy, cause I was right. That's why it disgust, angers, and saddens me when I think about it, not only what I said before about the destruction of my pride and trust, but because it reminds me of all that anxiety and fear that kept me up at night. It wasn't technically cheating but it was extremely heart wrenching, and absolutely gut churning nonetheless. I'm not a jealous person and you still found a way to make it hurt. I stated from the start that I'm fine with a lot of things and you did the thing specifically I stated I wasn't ok with. You used being poly as an excuse or a disguise to find someone new to attach to before you dropped me. You manipulated me to looking like the idiot for being jealous in a poly relationship. And when you made that cuck joke in sapphs that was way too far. It exploited everything about that situation, and it cut so fucking deep I literally started shaking. Especially after straight up ignoring me that was fucked up, regardless if you meant that as "just a joke". That rebound shit is garbage and I can't believe you tried to pass that off as an ok thing.

That trip meant a lot more to me than I think you considered. It was a chance to go somewhere and do somethings new that I probably won't get the chance to do again for a long time, realistically not before that passport expires. I've never been anywhere that wasn't in driving distance, I've always wanted to visit another country even if it's just Canada. I've never been to a concert, and a bunch of other stuff you promised we were gonna do. I know some people would think it's dumb for me to commit to something like that but I made the decision knowing it wasn't the smart thing, but something I really wanted to do. I don't get to follow my heart or even go out often and I wanted to indulge myself for once, it was something I felt I needed. I know you're jaded when it comes to travel, but I still haven't been places. When I made the decision we were still just friends, so seeing you was only a part of the reason I wanted to go, and I only decided to go against my better judgement cause I trusted you. And to cancel that a just A FUCKING WEEK before is nothing short of completely crushing. The months of excitement, the promises, completely empty now. It's pretty embarrassing to have to tell my boss and coworkers why I couldn't go on that trip I was excited about for months. I really really wanted to go to that concert. It's impossibly hard not to think about, especially when I'm forced to sit at home more days out of work cause you took super long to respond and the schedule was already made. The idea of what could have been happing just intruded itself in every other thought. I don't know what to do with this travel bank shit, I have no interest in going anywhere else, nor can I really afford to. I wish I had that money back, it would be really useful right now. This was an expensive break up completely at my expense.

I wanted to avoid getting to where we are now so much, and doing things your way got us here anyway. I wanted to be different, but I'm not sure if there was any avoiding it. I unknowingly gave you all the tools to hurt me and you used them. I needed to be friends, or at the very least for you to actually communicate with me and you kept pushing me away. Ignoring me. Wearing the fact that you were over it immediately like a badge, and moving on to the next. Like it's something to be proud about, or that it makes you more mature. Because it comes off emotionally dispassionate and needy for romantic attention rather than being ready for an actual relationship. You being in this "on to the next one" mentality that you have is fucked up. I tried to understand things from your perspective and get why, it was really hard since you rarely told me how you actually felt. I tried to take some of your past relationships into accounting, how your parents treat you, and how damaging it is for you. It reflects with how you've carried yourself, and you project it onto others with the way you disconnect yourself. Along with your current mental state (at and before the time of writing at least), I'm sorry about what you're going through. That being said it didn't excuse anything. It just sucks being put through the process of being pushed away, and ignored, and being treated like everyone else that came before me, regardless if I was a good boyfriend or not. I guess I'm not worth being sad over. It makes me feel chewed up and spit out. I'm a person not a process.

Every decision you made was deliberate, and I know you're very aware of your own actions. You gave me the emotional equivalent of a shrug. You say you cared but you did very little to prove it. I simply asked you not to gloat about your new relationship in front of my face and you couldn't go a week without unapologetically doing that... is that really too much to ask? You say you wanted to talk and proceed to ignore me. Then you get mad at me because I'm somehow "still" upset about it. I can't believe you said I was harassing you. From the days you actually talked it did actually make me feel slightly better, because it's hard trying to justify your actions with just "this was really hard" and "...". Saying you care and intentionally ignoring me doesn't mix. You'd be hella upset if you were in my position. It wasn't about me not being over you. I got over that after the first day, cause I'd never let you be in a relationship you said isn't good for you or even pressure you at all if you weren't happy. It was about trying to deal with the situation at hand, with your apathetic attitude not really helping and at times making it worse. I wanted to deal with it in a healthy way and you refused to do the bare minimum that I deserved. You weren't the friend you said you were gonna be.

Ultimately you lied from the start despite your intention. You also broke a bunch of promises. You broke your promise of being open and honest with me, you convinced me you were okay with poly and let me get attached before you could admit the truth. Everytime Noah called you out in sssh it made you mad cause he was right and you were too stubborn to admit that. So you let it get to the point we were at instead of doing what was better for everyone near the start. It takes a lot of me to say I love you and mean it and you spit on it and made me feel like a test dummy. Wether I want it to or not it's probably going to affect future relationships to a certain extent, hopefully not a lot. For the few months of incredible happiness you gave me, November felt like a years worth of depression and sleepless nights compressed into a month caused by your actions.

This fucked up my trust on a bunch of levels, and hurt ...a lot. I feel damaged. How you did and said things that you knew would hurt me, and other things you did without any consideration at all, pushing me away as if I did something wrong. I tried to be mature and calm about it at first, it just piled up, and I got mad as I think anyone would've. Looking back I was probably too calm and passive about it, one of my mistakes. I'm just trying to take away something more positive than negative from this. Having to deal with all this do you really think you'd keep a level head? Genuinely? It wouldn't be a positive response would it? No normal person would respond well, and you're much more irritable than I am. I held back at first to spare your feelings cause I assumed you actually felt bad. Another one of my mistakes. It's a good thing you never had to meet me or else that thing you do where you detach yourself wouldn't work, which I guess was your goal, now I'm just a name on a screen to you. You never had to see me cry. You left Skiey to deal with your mess.

I don't think you fully understand the impact you can have on people, nor do I think you get that your actions have consequences even if they don't affect you. You shove your problems under a rug instead of dealing and growing from them. You should've known what you were getting into, both both involving yourself in a poly relationship  **and** having me come visit. Both of which you actively encouraged, and then threw it back in my face. You never

Understood so I had to pay for it. You shouldn't have let it get to where it was and then called me a child and an idiot for being upset about it. I know that you would've kept ignoring me were it not for other people asking. It took literal public shaming for you to do another half apology.

If I send this to you it's probably because I may or may not become active in discord again and I've decided to unblock you. You've single-handedly made it a terrible place for me. But I'm not going to block you again seeing as there's no point. You can block me, tell me I'm still being childish, ignore me or whatever tf makes you feel better I don't really care, but you can't say it was a simple breakup, or I just can't handle being broken up with or that it's cause I can't get over you. I didn't "flip shit" for no reason and you can't say that without being a blatant liar. I just ask if you're not going to be genuine please avoid talking to or about me outside of dms, it's probably better for me to avoid you at this point. To put it extremely lightly we're not on good terms and I don't want to bother since you made it clear you don't care.

12/15/2018

TL;DR

I saw a road work ahead sign and it made me sad

[lugoisnumerouno]

CFG 2018

What else can I say besides lit? 

Flog Gnaw was fun and it was very hectic and I made some rookie mistakes as a concert veteran. I fainted (LOL) during the Internets set when Sid was up there and I had to be carried out of the crowd by security and helped up by strangers.  I slept on a mans chest, a strangers bosom for a hot minute. We were swaying back and forth with the crowd and it was low key romantic ?! A different boy bought me a expensive bottle of water just out of sheer kindness in a moment of difficulty. Proving to me that chivalry is in fact NOT DEAD! I dropped my friends sweater onto the floor of a portapotty and it soaked up some nasty ass piss. I put on said sweater when it got really cold bc I refuse to ever be cold and someone in the pit said “SOMEONE PISSSSEED THEMSELVES” and I just laughed bc if they only knew lol that the stinky was actually the damn sweater they were rubbing all up on, they wouda laughed right with me. JAJAJA!! I also got a bad case of the munchies on the first day and I ate a: corndog, chicken strip, a slice of pizza, lobster mac and cheese and pad thai. The pizza was actually really good I would 10/10 recommend but the pad thai was trash 0/10 do NOT recommend, I actually don't recommend pad thai from any music festival its all trash. But the pizza though for sure please give yourself that gift. I saw Jorja Smith, Jaden Smith, Raveena, Billie Elish, Banes World, Post Malone, Rex Orange County, Hobo Johnson and the Lovemakers, Raphael Saadiq, A$AP ROCKY, and Kids See Ghosts. I saw the city lights from Dodger Stadium and got some good views that are literally priceless.I got to share this experience with one of my best friends, Cassandra and one of her roommates (Destiny). It was a hell of a good time and it put a couple of things into perspective for me that I will explain later at a different time on a different post. I had fun. I copped a cute ass golf le fleur bag, got hella **** during Kid Cudis set when he sang Pursuit of Happiness. It was super lit. Hella tight. Dope as dopity dope dope dope. It was fun. OH YEAH and when I fainted and security dragged me out they abandoned me lol and left me to my wits and dumped my ass on one of the sides of the pit out in the open and shooed me away. And later when Cassandra found me we sat down and I got startled by the crowd and THREW MY WATERBOTTLE  WITH THE FORCE AND MIGHT OF ZEUS HIMSELF AND SLAMMED IT AGAINST THE WALL AND IT EXPLODED AND SCARED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE !! And then moments later the mosh pit crowd exploded and we were bunched up against the emergency exit fence and like a pimple  exploding with puss WE BROKE THROUG HTHE GATE FENCE AND GOT BACKSTAGE and I told cassandra it was our CHANCE !!! OUR CHANCE TO BE EPICCC!!!! but alas, we had to leave. But it was cool seeing what went on back there for a bit and I took pics so yes. Also another thing when I was fainting during the Internet I took some pictures that I don't remember taking and the background against the performer said “You fucked up.” and oh boy, was that a thousand percent true! Next time, I’ll stay hydrated and won't pass out. See you next year FLOG GNAW <3 Ill be twenty-one next time I see yah <3 <3 <3