#it sounded illogical and unfair and no one explained why it was so

[iamnot-theboynextdoor]

i never know how to respond when people (especially receptionists or nurses), in trying to make idle smalltalk, say something like "your name is arin? that's an unusual name for a girl!" or "is aaron with an i the girl spelling?" or (once, horrifyingly) "it must be such a shame for you, being stuck with a boy's name"

and i just go "haha yeah"

like, is it even worth correcting someone over a five second interaction? i don't want them to think i'm Offended or Upset or being passive-aggressive or, god forbid, being a special snowflake/triggered tranny/"did you just assume my gender??1!?!?!?" (i know this one is paranoia on my part, but i don't want to be, like, The Only Trans Person someone has met and give into negative stereotypes).

and it always happens when i start to feel okay about my appearance. i wear the most Just Some Guy clothes i have to appointments like this, i talk in a lower register, i have a flat chest now, but none of it is ever enough. and i know there's nothing i can really do about that, i accept that i'm 5'3" and curvy and have a round face; and on their own, none of those things bother me. just when i get misgendered i'm like "ahh fuck thatse right i look like a cross-dressing hobbit".

and it's not the other person's fault at all, and i'm not upset with them! i just feel like any response i give would be very awkward and would surely make at least one of us feel bad, and if that's the case, i'd rather it be me.

what would i even say? i don't want to OVER-explain, like i usually do (like i am doing). "i'm actually a guy" sounds so unnatural, and my imposter syndrome/"you don't pass"/"they will think you are delusional" kicks in, and i freeze up.

do i say "i'm a guy, but i was born a girl so i get the confusion, no worries" or is that Too Much Information?

i sometimes make the mistake of saying "yeah i spelled it weird when i changed my name," because that has led to people asking "oh, why did you change your name? what was your name before?" which i know is just smalltalk and them being polite and vaguely curious, but then i'm like "oh fuck the only thing i can think to say is to mention to this Total Stranger that i am trans, but what if that would make them feel bad, or be inappropriate, or maybe they will be judgemental" and i freeze up again.

it always gives me what i can only call a Dysphoria Flashback. it makes me think about about how shitty getting misgendered felt when i first came out and was super emotional and raw and self-loathing, and even though i was pre-everything and knew it was illogical to expect any different, it hurt a lot. and if i showed any of that hurt, my mum would say "you just have to put up with it! don't correct people, don't make a fuss!" (i never corrected anyone or said anything, my reaction was limited to Looking Uncomfortable and maybe crying in my room, but that was enough to make my mum start telling me off).

in the last year i recognise things have changed for my mum (i started medically transitioning, she joined a Parents Of Trans Kids facebook group), and she's been way more supportive, and i appreciate that. nowadays, she says stuff like "can't you just tell them briefly?" and i know it's unfair of me to keep thinking stuff like "but you told me i just have to put up with it and never get upset?"

all this to say that i just wish i was braver. i wish i wouldn't freeze up, that instead of just going "haha yeah" i could just say "i'm a guy, but don't worry about it" and laugh it off.

[nael-opale]

☝︎

THIS. ABSOLUTELY.

Okay now buckle up kids, because I have two fantastic examples to bring to the table to show just how true this is... 

@karadoc​, @iloveallofyounerds​, @kabbal​ and @little-water-lily​, my sweet homies-against-linguistic-purity, please listen ! Maybe you know about that already, but you might find it interesting anyway. ❤︎

💠 Did you know that the French grammar rule "the masculine prevails over the feminine" was put in place by misogynistic scholars in the 17th century ?

Because I learned about it rather recently and I sure am mad about it! (ah, I remember discovering it in this article on Audrey Alwett’s blog, what a revelation)

In 1634, the Académie Française was founded by Cardinal Richelieu.  This institution’s purpose was to decide what the good use of the French language would be. 

So, an elitist group of forty men got together to devise the new norms of the French language. Were they objective on the subject ? Absolutely fucking not, but they sure thought they were.

Back then, there were groups of intellectual women, women of influence and power… Des femmes savantes… And there were words to describe them : poétesse, philosophesse, médecine, autrice, peintresse…!

The Académie’s reform required to keep only the masculine form of these words and to make it the neutral form, because these professions were considered too “savant” for women.

“Cette femme est poète, philosophe, médecin, auteur, peintre…”

And by erasing the words to describe them, they tried to throw the discredit on these women, to strip them from their legitimacy… 

And they did not stop there with the erasure.

The Académie decided that from now on, masculine would prevail because... ➳ “When both genders meet, the most noble must prevail.” - Dominique Bouhours, 1675 ➳ “The masculine gender is deemed more noble than the feminine gender because of the superiority of man over woman” - Nicolas Beauzée, 1767

They were grammarian, not biologists. But it was enough of an argument to change French grammar for centuries to come…

Nowadays, the Académie Française still exists.  Its members are known as “The Immortals”. Since its creation, only nine women were accepted among them…

Remember the debates around inclusive writing (a way of writing French that includes the feminine and the masculine forms at the same time) ?

Obviously, the Académie was against it, and even called inclusive writing a “mortal peril” to the French language. (who’s the sensitive overreacting one in the debate, please remind me ?)

In February 2019, they finally surrendered about something… They finally accepted feminine job titles. Because they are already in use anyway.

Pierre Desproges said that he despised French academicians because “they possess the language as if it was dead when it is a living thing”.

Our language is constantly evolving. It shapes the way we think, it gives us the words to define ourselves, to describe our reality, to create new concepts… It can broaden our horizons. It’s ours.

So now that I provided you with an example of language being weaponized by classist, sexist, elitist academicians who thought they were above everyone else...

💠 How about discovering a secret gay “language” that was a tool against oppression...?   I'm talking about Polari. 

(and it blew my mind to learn about it !)  

I wonder if we had something like that in French ? It’s very likely we had some kind of secret gay slang... (oral culture is dope but so frustrating, I swear !)

So what can we learn from all that...?

➤ Fuck the Académie Française. ➤ The people our oppressive culture erased deserve to become the new “Immortals”. ➤ Let's bring back the secret queer language, it rocks.

Well at least that's my take on it ! 🤷‍♀️

╱╲╱╳╲╱╲╱╲╱╳╲╱╲

Bonus : here’s a pro-tip if you want to use the word “autrice” and people around you find it “ugly” and make stupid comments about how “it sounds wrong”... “Actrice” / “Autrice”... Almost the same damn word. Autrice is not an ugly word, you’re just not used to it yet and you’re reluctant to change your habits. Deal with it.

[olderthannetfic]

Hi! I know you're one of the older fans on Tumblr & I wanted to ask you about the anti movement. I'm 19 & when I see people talking about the ages of anti fans, they're often within the 14-25 age range & I have no idea why. I also feel it's a little unfair to say that younger fans tend to be antis, though it is understandable since I've also made mistakes when I didn't know things. Why do you think most antis are younger fans? What should younger fans who aren't antis do to be more involved?

Hee! I’m 40, which, tbh, actually isn’t that old for Tumblr (though it’s certainly old compared to the common perception of tumblr), so sure, I can probably answer this. I guess there are two questions here: 1. Is it true and 2. why, if so?

1. Experience suggests that antis do tend to be young... but it does not follow that young people tend to be antis. (You’d have to know the proportion of antis relative to the overall population of fandom, which we don’t. I think the majority of people of any age tend to want to read fic in peace and not be roped into endless wank.) I definitely see some ringleaders who are older and good at manipulating fandom trends for their own ends too.

2. Why would this be the case?

When I was in college, we used to joke about all the freshman year Marxists. It’s an eternal phenomenon: people who don’t have much experience learn a new thing and are on fire to change the world using the one tool in their toolbox. (To a man with a hammer, yadda yadda.) There’s no passion like the passion of the newly converted, and young people tend to have a lot more energy and often a lot more free time to yell on social media. Antis may be one expression of this among people currently in that age bracket. It’s not like people my age didn’t do other annoying-ass things when we were that age. You just don’t see it because it was 20 years ago, a lot of it was never online, and all the websites/platforms from then have been systematically destroyed. (Often by yahoo. Fuck yahoo.)

The other half of the reason, in my opinion, is that there have been concerted efforts to sway lefty/socially liberal people in specific--often TERFy--ways. It’s somewhat reminiscent of the right wing radicalization of gamer guys.

People are susceptible to it because their lives suck and because they don’t know enough history or have enough confidence to form their own opinions and stand up for them. Sure, some people are going to go hardcore for anti views no matter how much they know, but a lot of people are just being swept along with the tide because something sounds superficially pro-gay or pro-protecting kids or whatever.

I cannot emphasize enough that the things that make someone ripe for the alt right are the same things that make them ripe for cults and for various kinds of toxic fandom shit: it’s usually the smart, sensitive overthinkers who don’t have enough close actual friends and who aren’t in a good place in their lives.

---

So what can you do?

You can try to make fewer more significant friendships and make sure your support system isn’t people you only know because you currently share a fandom. Most of my offline friends are people I found through fandom meetups, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for making fandom your life and only hanging out with fandom people, but we’re just regular friends who have dinner parties and shit (well, when it’s not the plaguetimes). Most of the time, we don’t share specific ships or fandoms. It’s vitally important to have a real support network that can’t be ripped away by social media wank.

The next thing we can all do is publicly stand up for what we believe in and not cave to pressure just because someone yelled “think of the children”. It’s important to be clear about the real history and logic behind these things, whether it’s the history of censorship that inspires people to support AO3′s extremely permissive policies or the fact that ‘queer’ was a fully reclaimed umbrella term in the 90s.

It’s okay if we don’t all agree. What’s not okay is appeals to emotion and ignoring science. A lot of anti bullshit is like “Rape fantasies are an abnormal red flag”, and this goes against every damn thing we know about human sexuality.

Part of this is examining our own stances for illogic and hypocrisy. If thought crimes aren’t real, then all of them aren’t real. I see way too many “Okay, but that one gross kink though!” comments from people who claim to be on my side, and this is very silly.

Possibly the biggest thing, though, is that we as a planet need to start being savvier about shitty social media and how it’s destroying our mental health. I don’t have a good overall solution, and obviously, I’m still on tumblr, but we all really need to cut down the amount of time we’re on sites like Facebook and Twitter and probably tumblr too. The more it has an algorithm and the less it has moderation, the more it’s a problem. Individual discords and spaces that can have moderation are better. It’s fine if some of them are 100% antis. The point is to have multiple spaces with rules that suit different groups.

A thing you can do is make your own spaces: be the owner of a discord for your ship, not just a passive participant at the mercy of shitty mods in an existing one. Run a fic exchange with rules you think are sensible and be firm when people try to scream about problematique things you don’t agree are a problem. One of the most pernicious anti problems is mods breaking the rules of their own spaces (usually a “no kinkshaming” one) to cave to social pressure from the loudest, most assholish set of people in the server. They don’t know how many people quietly disapprove and quietly leave their fandoms because they only fear the loud harassers, not the silent toll of caving to them.

Honestly, the climate of fear is the big issue more than a bit of yelling: I routinely meet 20-somethings who live in fear of being canceled and shunned. You can help this by... not being like that with your friends. If they’re friends with a canceled person, don’t ask them to drop the canceled person or face the same fate. If you disagree about some fandom hot take, talk about it calmly and don’t act like the friendship will be over in 5 seconds and you’ll use all your knowledge of them against them in a public callout because they didn’t instantly agree.

Basically, have some self confidence and don’t be fucking terrified all the time... which can be a tall order and probably explains the age thing also.

[watchinglikeafangirl]

The problem with GMMTV shows

Many, many Thai BLs were published and lauched by GMMTV and some of these shows are probably the most popular BLs in the genre, although other ones like ITSAY also get a lot of attention these days. GMMTV definetly is a monopole when it comes to producing such content because they produce the most BLs per year. There's always a new fandom rising in the background and that's not necessarily a bad thing but everyone knows by now what to expect from a GMMTV show and these expectations are pretty low. At least my expectations have sunken to zero when it comes to acting and I'm already impressed if the kiss looks real or if they actually cry some tears. I know, crying is hard and I find it unfair they don't even try to change the script, so the actors won't have such a hard time. I think the worst crying I have seen so far would be Tine in 2gether when he thought Sarawat was in love with that girl. Left alone that his reason doesn't make sense storywise, his crying was aweful and I actually skipped this scene because I was cringing so much.

Anyway, back to my topic.

Honestly, I have to give GMMTV credit for their marketing office because the marketing and promotion of new shows is pretty good. They publish posters, drop a cute trailer and give us a shipping to wait for. Although the design of the posters is not good and the trailers don't match the show's actual story, we are willing to wait. The bad design doesn't leave our minds and we are curious what new low quality show will be published. GMMTV knows pretty well, we all make fun of the shows and don't find them good but watch them nevertheless. That's how they make their money.

I can't help but wonder if the actors sign binding contracts or not because every one of them has at least more than one GMMTV project going on. Mix for example is in atoats, a short movie and in futs. Earth was already seen in Kiss me again, then atoats and this short movie. I find this very suspicious.

Now, lets get to the low quality of all the GMMTV shows. They really mastered their strategy. First, they create a world only revolving around the main couple, so we get a lot of screentime and cute moments of them. Second, the character traits and backstories look interesting at first, catching our attention. Third, the characters are pretty flat, so everybody can somehow relate to them. Fourth, the world these characters live in is simple and the less we see of it the better, because then we can project ourselves into it. Fifth, create a plot that looks interesting from afar and then let it play out in the most passionless way but everybody watches anyway because they want to see the happy ending.

In all these BLs the dialogues, story and acting is not really on point. It is average, but they try to cover it up with jokes, sound effects and cliffhangers to make you believe you had a good time, so you go back the next week and watch the new epsiode.

Here three examples with which I'm gonna explain how the stories are created.

Fish upon the sky - the beginning

I only started watching this show because of the title. It contains a metaphor we don't know the meaning of but we sure know it has a nice vibe and probably a deeper meaning between the two main leads. It seems like a private thing only the these two understand. In general, this metaphor is kind of cute, I have to say. This whole "fish upon the sky" vs "star in the ocean" thing, they got me there. But the rest and the way it plays out is boring.

In the trailer, only these scenes with the metaphor and deep talks were cut together, so we thought this whole show would have that vibe and I still hope but after this 8th episode my expectations nearly vanished.

So, in the first two episodes, the characters are introduced alongside the problems and relationship they have. Thank God, Pi doesn't have friends, so he can have more screentime and not even more people have had to be casted, right? No, because friendgroups make more clear what kind of person the protagonist is, but okay, he interacts with his brother instead. Problem is, Duean is - how do I put this - aweful. He is terrible and only exists for the jokes. So, no deep conversation there. We get nothing from Pi. His character is build up and within the first two episodes we know his character completly because GMMTV characters are designed as simple as possible, so you won't have a hard time understanding them and their actions. You don't have to analyze to get them. This leads to inconsistency and plot holes later on.

During these two episodes, the most story happens apparently. So, we think as much will happen later on, but no, this is GMMTV. But since we're already invested because of the simple world and relatable characters, we don't stop watching every week.

Tonhon Chonlatee - the middle part

I guess this show is the perfect example of catching us with an okay story and then letting our hopes drop at an instant. This ending showed how you don't do it. But okay, we're not talking about the ending here. It's about the middle part.

This is the main problem with GMMTV shows. Nothing happens in the middle part and I guess Tonhon Chonlatee is the perfect example for that.

We know Chon has a crush on Ton since they were little kids and he gets super excited when Ton shows up again. Sadly, he turns out to be pretty homophobic. Okay, that is a conflict I can understand. But the thing is, the characters don't have another story apart from that. They don't grow. They don't change their mind. That just happens at the very end. Tonhon is introduced as homophobic and stays homophobic during the whole middle part. Not many moments take place and he doesn't seem to regret what he says against the LGBTQ-community. There's no confrontation to raise my excitement. The show goes on with no real input.

This is something all these shows suffer from. The middle part is very poor and they don't even try.

A tale of a thousand stars - the end

Okay, this example is based on my upopular opinion and wish for a bittersweet ending because I still believe this ending didn't fit.

This show wasn't as boring as the other two examples but it still wasn't great. After a boring middle part, we get a lot of drama until they finally get their happy ending. The problem with atoats was Tian suffering the whole time and without a detailed explaination why. Maybe I missed something but I think they could've gotten more into this idea with him living with another heart inside but instead they chose to give us a bunch of cuteness between Tian and Phupha and Tian and the kids.

In the end, Tian tells everyone that Torfun is dead and he cries a lot because Phupha totally overracts. There's a bunch of crying and I was sitting here still not getting it. Why is it such a bad thing he has her heart? Why is it such a burden? Still, the explaination in the middle part was missing. The inconsitency and plot holes I mentioned earlier are showing up and make the ending illogical, rushed and forced.

Outro

They just threw the drama away and came up with a solution to give them a happy ending to let us believe we had such a good time because we got what we wanted and what we've all been waiting for.

GMMTV knows we expect a happy ending and just hang on until we get it. That's why I went behind my back and continued futs even though I was extremly mad about the racism. Because I know, PiMork will have a happy ending and I'm curious hownit will play out. The middle part is awefully boring but I can't stop wondering. That's probably the essential part of GMMTV's strategy. They create boring shows which are compelling nevertheless.

Anyway, this is just my opinion on what I saw of GMMTV so far. Feel free to dicuss. Maybe someone of you has an answer to my questions about atoats...

[theatresweetheart]

Childish Innocence

Summary: Logan was never too sure the little egg he’d rescued would actually hatch. However, when he starts hearing the egg cracking, he realizes he has a decision to make.

Warnings: Brief mention of losing a child. 

Pairings: Parental/Familial Analogical

Characters: Logan, Virgil.

Word Count: 1867 words

A/n: I finally got around to writing more dragon content, and I’m pretty happy with how this came out, too!

Continuation/AU: Thunderstorms and Stowaways, A Snowy Twilight Find

                                      ——————————

The nights quickly grew colder every passing day. The little egg he’d rescued from the cold embrace of the snowbanks stayed still, motionless.

Logan had half a mind that the egg wouldn’t hatch.

And so what if it didn’t?

This was how life worked; sometimes eggs hatched and sometimes they didn’t.

It was unfortunate, yes, but it could not be changed.

However, this truth didn’t mean he didn’t keep it warm. Logan may not believe the babe would hatch, but it didn’t stop him from caring for it. Most of his time was now spent curled around the little one when he wasn’t out hunting—which he did only twice a week. The cold made his joints ache anyhow and livestock was scarce in the frigid breeze, so it wasn’t too much of a hindrance staying tucked inside.

His gaze shifted down to the little egg that was snug between his underbelly and silks and maps. The glowing was soft, but still lightly pulsing. It was only showing him that the babe inside was resilient enough to hold on a little while longer.

Logan knew he had grown somewhat attached, as illogical as it was. Yet, it didn’t mean he would keep the child with him. It would be far easier to take the pup and give it to another– another that could care for it better and give it the attention and affection it would crave.

The dragon yawned as the sun began to sink out of sight, slowly casting the world in a darkening and cool light.

Logan stretched after a moment, before settling back down into his hoard and relaxing languidly. Letting out a soft huff of air, he let his eyes flutter shut for just a moment. Sleep hadn’t been coming easy since he’d brought the egg into his care, however, he took every chance he could get to catch a few extra winks. If the egg hatched and the babe did survive, he had an itching feeling he’d be losing sleep until he found a suitable place for the hatchling.

The minute he was beginning to drift off, he heard it.

It was soft, just a tiny sound at first. He opened his eyes, lifting his head to scan the area in front of him. He was tucked as far back into the cave as he could be for an adult dragon, so the entire entrance to the cave was in his complete view. It was how he watched for intruders and stowaways if they so dared to enter.

When he didn’t see anything, or anyone, his attention shifted downward when he heard the same sound, this time a little louder.

When Logan’s gaze met the egg, he saw a hairline fracture running down the length of it. Slightly surprised that this was happening, the dragon rose himself into a stand, hovering over the egg.

He’d watched others back home (before he’d split off from the group) who let the baby hatch on its own. The parents hovered close, standing together as they awaited the little one inside to make their grand debut. Logan had thought, at the time, he would never have to feel that anxiety flutter through him—the worry that maybe the child wouldn’t hatch and he’d have spent all this time keeping it warm for nothing.

Of course, he reasoned, he shouldn’t truly be as nervous as he was. This wasn’t his babe nor was he intending on keeping them, it would only cause more trouble. His own parents had died defending him, so being a parent himself was a rather frightening thought. Not that he was frightened.

But giving one’s life for that of a child who would be ungrateful?‌ Only for it to be in vain? That was unnerving.

The egg cracked further and Logan sat down a pace away from it, knowing that assisting the hatchling through this process may be detrimental. He could recall elders of his old group explaining to young and worried parents why they could not assist their baby hatch.

It is a very real possibility to accidentally kill the child because one had intervened too early in their attempt to “help.”

Logan would only step in if he felt as though he needed to.

Hours passed as the egg continued to crack slowly but surely.

Logan had been keeping watch on it, as well as keeping an eye out toward the front of the cave. It was surprising to notice how paranoid he’d become about a wandering and aimless traveler, even though he was well aware it was the dead of winter. No human with half a brain would be about in this weather, especially not at this time of night. But there was such a vulnerable life in his care now, until he decided what he was going to do.

Finally, after what had felt like forever, the babe pushed the rest of the egg open and lifted their head, taking their first real breath of outside air. They coughed, eyes glued shut as they tried to take their first step forward. Instead, the little one’s legs wobbled shakily and toppled forward onto the soft silks of the hoard Logan had been on hours before.

Logan took in the sight of the little one, a soft scale-less violet babe.  

He stood quickly, cautiously moving toward the little hatchling as they chirped softly. He leaned down, snuffling at them for just a moment and imprinted their scent, just as the babe reacted to his warmth. They chirruped again, leaning forward and trying to meet Logan head on.

Surprised, Logan moved back and the babe whined, their head swiveling from side to side trying to find the adult again.

Logan leaned closer to it again, eyes alight with curiosity at the tiny life in front of him. Covered in slime and fluid from their egg. He pressed his snout gently into the little one’s side, nudging them over so they laid more comfortably on the blankets. The babe hummed as they squirmed on the comforters, confused by the new sensation.

“Look at you,” Logan mused after a moment, crouching down so he was level with them. The babe followed his voice and they turned their head to face him, scenting the air and trying to familiarize themselves with the way Logan smelled.

Logan snorted softly back at them, and the babe tried to mimic the sound.

Slightly amused, he moved forward once more. Bathing the child was the next hurdle and then cleaning them up. He’d need to get the babe’s eyes cleared as well, which would help them open them.

Cleaning the hatchling took more time then he expected. The baby didn’t seem bothered, as he sat with his little tail swishing back and forth. He was standing unsteadily on his wobbly legs, as Logan sat nearby, ready to move in case he tipped over again.

The little one tested the air once more, trying to find Logan without the use of his eyes. His eyes were free of grime, which included anything that could keep them glued shut; Logan had made sure to make quick work of easing it off gently.

The babe chirped and Logan repeated the sound. The hatchling startled a moment, whipping his head to face where the noise had come from.

“Yes, I’m here little one,”‌ he said, just as the baby toddled toward him.

The child sat down a few paces from his snout and Logan titled his head to the side, curious. After a moment of nothing happening, he watched as the little one rubbed at his eyes with his claw-free paws, letting out soft sounds as he worked. Not five minutes later were there two big, shining, violet eyes blinking up blearily toward Logan–whom of which was watching in quiet awe.

He’s yours, a small part of the adult whispered, nudging a protective instinct of Logan’s forward—a part he hadn’t known had been there. He’s so trusting, you can’t let him down by giving him to someone else. You’d feel godawful about it as well.

“Hello there,” he greeted the babe quietly, his head resting down on his forearms as the hatchling chirruped excitedly back at him.

The little one was trying to take in all of the larger dragon, however, it seemed his attention began to wane and a yawn split his features. Logan was granted a toothless yawn and the babe wobbled on his feet again. Logan leaned forward, using his snout to keep the babe upright, however, that didn’t stop it from nearly toppling to his other side.

Letting out a soft breath of air, he stood up just enough to lean down and nab the babe by the scruff of his neck. He hefted the little one into the air for just a moment, before settling him down into the mass of blankets and soft cloths and silks. Logan then curled around the little one, offering warmth and comfort and protection. The babe snuffled  before yawning again, his eyes fluttering shut as he curled up against the bigger dragon.

“Sleep,” Logan said to him, watching as the little one barely reacted to his voice, seemingly only liking the vibrations. Truthfully, he knew the babe wouldn’t be able to speak on his own. That was something Logan would need to teach him, not that he minded. “You’ve had a long day.”

The child didn’t respond, of course. Not that Logan was surprised, however, he knew he also couldn’t refer to the little one without a name for much longer. Though, what would suit him?‌

His eyes glanced over the little form, almost already sound asleep.

Since the moment his eyes had opened, they had been constantly on the move. Looking from Logan himself, to shining coins, to the tapestries that were laid strewn across the stone flooring.

That vigilance was something Logan would have to hone further into him. The act of being wary was something that could keep him alive when the time to survive on his own came inevitably. However, looking so far into the future was unfair to the babe curled up directly into his side, snuggled up close and reveling in the warmth Logan radiated.

Vigilance.

Another moment passed. He let his eyes flicker to the babe’s features, soft as they were now. His scales would eventually grow in, he noted quietly.

Logan hummed low in his chest, the sound reverberating and causing the babe to try and repeat the sound—only earning some softer squeaks in response instead. “As for a name,” he spoke gently, the babe’s purple eyes fluttering open lazily, watching the parent in front of him, “how do you feel about Virgil?”

The babe blinked at him, exhaustion clear in his eyes, before he trilled softly. The hatchling’s eyes quickly slid shut after giving the sound of acceptance.

Logan felt something soften in him, watching as the little one drifted off to sleep. He leaned down too, adjusting just slightly enough to find a comfortable position to sleep in. He stayed curled close around Virgil, the newborn vulnerable in this great big world.

“Sleep, my little one,”‌ Logan rumbled, “you’ve got a full life ahead of you.”

                                      ——————————

TSAS Taglist:  @isle-of-gold  @rosiepupper @anxiousvirgil0 @imstupidhowyadoing

(if you wish to be tagged in future works in this verse/or in general, let me know!)

[silvysartfulness]

Meta asks: 4, 11, 20!

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

Xue Yang seemed feral, with unkempt hair sloppily twisted into a simple knot, his face locked in a rabid sneer with teeth bared and eyes narrowed to slits. He looked as though he'd like to sink those fangs into the throat of the world, ripping and tearing, never satisfied until the universe itself had bled out at his feet.

This one’s a favourite, and one that multiple of my input-readers also commented on! It’s just very raw and very Xue Yang, I think. ♥

11. What do you envy in other writers? 

Consistency. The seeming ease with which some writers I follow manage to produce words. For me, it’s always a struggle to overcome executive dysfunction to be able to write at all, and I’m baffled by people who manage to just... decide? To sit down? And produce words? And it works for them?

Native grasp of the English language seems an unfair advantage too, sometimes. XD

There are also some people whose concepts and prose will just punch me in the gut, and make me go “oof, that’s good shit”, but that’s equal parts envy and appreciation since it means I will also get to enjoy said prose and plot. ;)

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

Whoooboy. There is actually so much thought and symbolism going into my stories, and Heaven Has A Road is no exception.

I think one of the first things is trauma, and how people respond differently to it. That is honestly one of the core themes of the whole story, how each of the three individuals cope with their own trauma, and how they relate to each other, sharing the pain of everything that happened in Yi City. This is all very much show, not tell - it comes through in their reactions, their body language, the way each narrator’s voice focuses on some things and ignores others, sometimes almost to the point of lying. It makes their actions almost illogical and self-destructive at times, but that’s what coping mechanisms and instinctive responses are. It’s not always straightforward or elegant or one-hug-cures-all. I find their broken edges endlessly fascinating, and it’s always a major part of the scenes I write!

Another, more subtle part is all the Daoist philosophy threaded in there. Some is very outright, literal quotes, but most of it is a lot more subtle, baked into the way (two of) the characters relate to the world at large, and everything they’re going through. And even for all that they stand on the common ground of their teachings, Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen still approach those teachings differently, and for different purposes. I write Song Lan as more rigid in his philosophies, more literal, putting the principle of the teachings above almost all other things. Xiao Xingchen is more fluid and adaptive; for him the doctrines are a life philosophy, too, but also tools that he’s no stranger to bending and reinterpreting to fit the goals he puts even higher - to help people, mostly (but also, sometimes, to justify the things he himself selfishly wants).

As for other symbolism, Xiao Xingchen is fascinating to write, because a lot of his sense of symbolism isn’t sight-based. Some is, he remembers what it’s like to see, but since losing his sight, he’s also putting a lot more intuitive thought into his other senses, and his inner allusions and comparisons are as often sound/touch-based as relating to sight.

A lot of Xue Yang’s symbolism is to do with physical wounds; shattered bones, broken fingers, pain and blood and gore. He relates a lot of things to anger and pain, because those are the deepest forces driving him, and they hijack everything else from time to time (another typical trauma response, to be unable to tell any strong emotion reaction apart from anger or pain).

Song Lan’s symbolism-language is very art and writing-based, likening things to art styles, brush strokes or lines of poetry. A sophisticated gentry-educated scholar’s frame of reference... Except where Xue Yang is concerned, where he allows himself to be quite crass - delinquent, snake, beast, monster.

There is a beautiful inverted parallel in how Xue Yang and Song Lan each relate to Xiao Xingchen - or perhaps how he relates to them. With Song Lan, the trust is absolute, but he yearns for something more, a physical connection, and while the first few kisses have been awesome, he wants a lot more. He is extremely touch-starved, and probably wishes they would escalate that aspect of their relationship a lot faster than Song Lan is willing/capable of doing. Meanwhile he has had a very physical relationship with Chengmei/Xue Yang, and it’s an outright itch sometimes, that he can’t allow himself to get the touch and physical closeness he needs from there. Because there the opposite is true - it’s the trust that’s missing, and that is very, very slow to rebuild.

Poor Xiao Xingchen. He is very frustrated. X3

Other than that... there is actually quite a bit of subtle hints baked in here and there that I think will make more sense on a second read-through, just bits and flashes of character angles that click better once more facts are presented. To some extent, the Kuizhou-chapter reads like that, making Xue Yang’s bizarre behaviour click into place for Xiao Xingchen once he realizes where they are and what that means. There’s more of those, but it’s hard to give examples without spoilers, especially since most “reveal” chapters haven’t been written yet.

Also a few things mentioned in passing that will pop up again - quite a lot of people called it on the apple from Tanzhou, which made another appearance in a later chapter and that I’ve confirmed in asks here on tumblr that Xue Yang still carries with him.

At the moment, the relationship I’m having the most fun with is Xue Yang and Song Lan learning to play nice. Which is, understandably, quite a mess. But they are slowly getting there - the upcoming stretch of chapters has quite a bit of character development and relationship development all around. Things are - for the moment - improving. Ish. Mostly. Sometimes. ♥

Thank you so much for asking! :D

[mbti-notes]

So I was talking with a friend about a deep experience I had with forgiving others and self-forgivdness. I am an ENFP and I said I didn't felt good with myself anymore for doing bad to people (I have been hurt/ hurting, ex: craving for revange) and I explained: if I myself know how painful being hurt can be, why would I want to do smthg like that to another human being, but the reply was philosophical, ethical, moral? Humans like evil and even rejoice in the suffering of others. (part 1)

[con’t: We are no good, we are imperfect, we seek hurting, we even feel good about it. the empathy you describe is beautiful but utopian if we think about human experience in society.” Then I said I wasn’t thinking in a philosophical way but in a personal one and that despite the lack of objectivity, factuality and “philosophy” in my view, I was certain of the importance of my empathic perspective for my personal and everyday life. But the question is: do you think my thoughts are conforming with Fi dev? Or I’m sounding like a “light chasers” (…) “they wanted the “light” of knowledge to overcome the “darkness” of suffering.” And also do you have any philosophy book that deals with the issue of morals and ethics to recommend me, please? I would not like to be always too naive and with idealistic thoughts/ speeches, friends often call my attention in this sense. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this!]

Yes, it might be related to Fi development, but more universally, it is consistent with human moral development to learn how to take full personal responsibility for: 1) the kind of person you want to be in terms of what character virtues you choose to nurture in yourself, and 2) the moral consequences of your decision making in terms of whether you’re causing harm to yourself and others.

Anybody who’s really devoted themselves to studying human psychology and/or moral philosophy will tell you that the human mind is extremely complex and that there’s a lot more to moral reasoning than reductive blanket statements. Humans are not just one thing, and if someone tries to convince you that they are, they’re usually pushing a hidden agenda and/or trying to bamboozle you. 

Examples of weird motives? Someone who tries to discourage others from betterment usually has a deep vested interest in preserving the status quo for themselves. Someone who feels threatened by positivity is usually a failed idealist and projects their fear of hope onto you (in a misguided attempt to save you from the disappointment that they’ve suffered). Someone who tries to convince you to take the easy way out might actually be seeking validation of their own bad choices. 

Any time someone tries to convince you of something, especially when it goes against your best instincts, you should question their motives. By pushing on your moral beliefs, they might be doing you a favor by forcing you to reflect on the quality of your moral reasoning (this seems to be the open-minded attitude behind your question), but they might also be doing you a disservice by making you constantly doubt your own moral instincts… and to what end? It’s fine to want to defend yourself better when your values are under attack, but not every fight is worth fighting. Healthy Fi grants a strong sense of moral responsibility. It’s not there to make you feel “unshakeable”, rather, it’s there to give you good judgment about when harm is being done so that you feel compelled to stop it.

Research strongly suggests that infants already possess a rudimentary sense of fairness and get upset over injustice. Some scholars speculate that human morality evolved to help us succeed through cooperation, and our sense of morality became increasingly complex as we established larger and larger groups. The more people you have in a group, the more difficult it is to keep them together, so rules have to be drawn up and people have to commit to following them. You don’t need to become a moral philosophy professor to understand morality. It’s built into your judgment process, and I argue that developing your F function is exactly how you get in touch with the natural moral instincts that compel you to address unfair/unjust/harmful treatment. Actually, to understand morality only in the abstract often does more harm than good. When you don’t have the basic components of morality in the form of genuine empathy and compassion, then it’s easy to intellectualize moral concepts and then use twisted logic to justify all sorts of negative behavior. Hitler is the cliche example in that he seemed to genuinely believe that he was righteous in using genocide to achieve some abstract ideal of a perfect society.

There is already quite a lot of research about moral psychology and moral reasoning, and it handily proves that the cynic you’re paraphrasing is misguided. If they genuinely believe that human nature is irredeemable, I would advise against being friends with them, since that belief system, taken to its logical conclusion, would render someone morally bankrupt and completely incapable of loving relationships. Other than a basic sense of fairness, you aren’t born with a whole moral philosophy that you can write down in a book, rather, you pick up your moral beliefs through life experience and learning from the choices that you make. The moral beliefs that you choose to hold on to gradually come to define your moral character. For instance, to believe that human nature is fundamentally irredeemable actually tells everyone that you have absolutely no faith in yourself - it’s a projection.

If you really understand what “personal responsibility” means, whether or not other people choose evil is irrelevant to what you choose for yourself. A cynic either has to argue that humans can’t choose to be good because they are “born evil” (fatalism) or that what they choose is “meaningless” as long as others choose evil (helplessness). Either way, it means relinquishing the natural creative power of humans to be better and make things better. And what do you have left after you’ve given up your creative power? Resign yourself to powerlessness? A cynic chooses powerlessness, so they cannot help but begrudge your attempts to use your power.

Again, humans aren’t just one thing. They are indeed capable of evil, but disappointment about evil must not obscure the fact that humans are also granted the intellectual power to overcome their basest impulses. The fact that being moral is often the harder road to take makes it all the more meaningful when you’re able to choose it consistently. For civilization to be possible, for love to be possible, for long term planning to be possible - all of them difficult uphill projects - a significant number of people have successfully devoted themselves to performing socially beneficial behavior. The proof is right before your eyes in the people around you. Just because some people relinquish their moral responsibility, doesn’t mean you should ignore all those who embrace and accept their moral responsibility. Ignoring all the good is just as illogical as ignoring all the bad - either way, you’re not in touch with reality.

Are you a “lightchaser”? A lightchaser lives in fear of darkness, so they live in denial of their own darkness. Repressing it is what causes it to turn into something ugly and evil. However, once you recognize the reality that humans are a very mixed bag of positive and negative motives, you free up your mind to nurture your potential and address the things that hold you back from being your better self. You have the power to identify and address the things that promote evil behavior. How you choose to use that power is the main point.

[flickityfics]

Chatting It Up

So this was tough to write but the incidents I mentioned involves the new girl parts I have developed. It's weird cause I don't know what to do or what the cause is. I wouldn't even be doing anything but at random times I feel myself getting slick? Also a strange throb, please explain this. Also you'll be happy to know I went and got proper clothes just as you said, a nice lady really helped me out with all sorts. Hope you're doing alright.

-Sokka

_____________________________________________

Hey gaang! How is everyone? The construction has been going smoothly just alot of work, it's tiring and boring so send me letters to keep me from dying of boredom please. I'm missing our adventures, I've been doing nothing but reading and taking notes for blueprints, it isn't all bad though, I've been watching the kyoshi warriors train and thinking about training with them again. I've gotta get back to work so hope I hear from you guys soon.

-Sokka

_____________________________________________

Sokka had just dropped off his letters when he decided it was a good time to harass Zuko at work. He came into the Jasmine Dragon with a bounce to his step spotting Zuko immediately serving some customers. He grabbed the same small table near the kitchen and sat himself down. Rummaging through his bag did he find one on 'Dangers of Enchantments' Sokka was starting to think he should rule out enchantments since most had apparent side effects which he couldn't seem to find or sense, enchantments also needed to be kept up and if not he would have reverted back by now. He decided it was best to cross that one off.

"You like magic?" Zuko asked when he came up to her table finally. He noticed Miyuki with another book in her hands, her books seem to be all about magic so far.

Sokka smiled up to Zuko, "Actually I hate magic. I think it's illogical, impractical, it's dangerous and quite frankly I don't understand people's obsession with it." He stared up at the fire bender completely exasperated.

Zuko couldn't help but let out a small chuckle, it's funny seeing Miyuki looking so irked by the subject of magic.

"I don't understand it myself but my uncle loves talking about it and bringing it up often. He loves saying magic is in everything." Zuko couldn't help revealing, it was nice opening up to someone even if he still had to lie about who he really was. He never got to open up to anyone not even his uncle when he tried to and he didn't have his mother anymore, and it was never an option to tell his father or Azula, any sign of weakness would be exploited by them he thought depressingly.

"I think me and your uncle would have interesting debates on the matter." Sokka supplied, he didn't know much about Zuko's uncle except that Toph likes him but he'll still keep his suspicions just like with his nephew. "Anyways will you be taking a break soon?" He spoke hoping to get more time with the fire prince.

"Oh, uh my breaks in twenty minutes. " Zuko was surprised that Miyuki wanted to talk with him more. He didn't know what to expect from this girl but he knows he's enjoying it.

"Perfect, enough time for me to order and wait for you." Sokka said sweetly to Zuko.

Zuko shyly smiled back, "What would you like to order?" He waited, Zuko was curious about what Miyuki and he could talk about. He wasn't known for being quite versed at talking to ladies. So far conversations with Miyuki have been awkward but nice.

"I'll try the three berry flavored tea you guys got." He doesn't really like tea but this fruity one looks promising he figured.

"Alright, it'll just take a moment." With that saud Zuko walked back to the kitchens while Sokka went back to his reading.

"Here you go." Zuko had finally come back and settled himself across from Miyuki passing over the tea as he did so. He told his uncle that'd he take his break early and the old man just smirked and couldn't rush him out the kitchens fast enough something about, 'young love is in the air' ugh his uncle was going senile.

"Ah thanks." Sokka slipped his material's into his satchel making room for the fire prince as he sat down. Zuko seemed to have his own drink when he took the chance to look at him properly, he noticed the other boy seemed nervous and quiet so looks like he'll have to start the conversation.

" So what books do you read when you have the time?" Sokka asked.

"Boring stuff." Zuko didn't want to admit how he only read books on war strategies, weaponry materials and maps mostly. He didn't really know how to talk well with other teens his age but he knew talking about war strategies and the stuff alike weren't fun topics to discuss.

" Boring stuff as in..?" Sokka wasn't gonna let this go, he needed information from this guy. It seems like he has to pull teeth just to get this jerk bender to open up.

Zuko could only sigh seeing no way to avoid it if he wanted to talk to the water tribe girl. 'just hope she doesn't find me dull and annoying like my sister and her friends do. It's not my fault I never got to make any friends'

"I read up on some weaponry guides mainly on dual broadswords..uh lots of maps and very rarely on occasion a bedtime book that I kept from my mother."

Sokka didn't know how to take Zuko's somber expression mentioning his mother. He knew exactly how hard it was losing a parent but was it okay to comfort the person he despises? Sokka thought it was best to offer some bit of comforting. He leaned forward and reached out his hand to grab Zuko's elbow and gave a squeeze.

"I'll have you know maps are my favorite things to read even though I'm not too good at reading them but maybe some time you can show me." Sokka hated to admit that he couldn't read maps too well, 'the stuff is honestly hard to understand' but he knew Zuko would be the best considering how fast he always managed to track down the gaang so fast.

Zuko couldn't help chuckling at the girl and finding comfort in her presence. Something about Miyuki made things so simple plus she didn't pressure him or get awkward about mentioning his mother or make fun of him for his lack of social skills.

"Sure. I don't mind telling you more about maps, I've got tons of them." Zuko quirked his lips into a smile, he couldn't help finding it amusing that Miyuki found maps enjoyable, she was probably just faking it so he didn't feel so embarrassed about himself. He knew his life wasn't ideal for friendships or socializing of any kind but he was getting better since deciding to let go of his obsession with getting his honor back and working the tea shop with his uncle.

"I have a few myself but alot of them aren't updated which is annoying. Since my travels to Ba Sing Se, alot of new paths weren't mentioned or even the dangers that came with choosing a path, I've gotten lost and into trouble so many times because the maps we're wrong and dumb. I swear someone needs to re-write these maps with a lot more detail oh oh and even small detours you can take that are nice relaxing spots or even good food locations and duh of course the dangers to look out for, ugh there's so much you can say and people will appreciate it, I know I would!" Sokka had to take a drink from his tea to shut himself up realizing he went on a whole unnecessary tangent.

"Why don't you write that book? You've got some really valid points there." Zuko was honestly impressed with the girl, she went from exasperated to excited with so many ideas real fast and all very good ideas actually. He never got to enjoy his travels or any detours searching for the avatar but maybe if he traveled for himself he'd get to enjoy it for once with new opportunities to discover.

"You think I should write a book? And you have no problem with that?" Sokka genuinely found himself surprised with Zuko the fire prince Zuko telling a girl, a civilian water tribe girl nonetheless to write a book with no problem, 'geez this guys got more layers than an onion' Sokka was really finding it hard to keep hating this guy.

"Yes and no?" Zuko was now confused, what was he suppose to say? He couldn't tell if she was upset or if that was a trick question."Uh..I think your ideas are great for a book...I see no problem with it?" He suggested questioningly.

"Lee, do you know how many books I found written by women from the library and bookstore I visited here? Ten total and all about cooking, fashion, crafts, mannerisms for young ladies, gardening, how to be a proper wife, events planning, dancing, proper childcare and cleaning steps. Sadly I myself never noticed the lack of books by women. And I've met tons of women with great ideas and adventures of their own throughout my travels who could write the most amazing things."

"Oh, I never noticed that either. Maybe you should you try your hand at it and who knows it might just inspire other women to do the same." Zuko suggested. When he really thought about it, it really was unfair that women still didn't get many opportunities as men do solely based on their gender. He's met women who were quite tough and challenging yet they still had no voice or real power when it came to a man usurping them, all it would take was a man's words to completely debase a woman.

"I-huh..well thanks for the support." Good to know Zuko was somewhat of a decent guy but it still doesn't excuse his behavior towards the gaang. Zuko seemed to be to putting on a good act here in Ba Sing Se but how far did that really go? Sokka knew he needed to find out Zuko's motives and fast.

"Tell me more about yourself, I've been talking here the most." Sokka encouraged the other boy.

"Well I meditate, train and work." Ugh, how pathetic did he sound? He now felt even more hopeless in front of Miyuki. He just sat there hanging his head low gripping onto his drink praying to Agni that his embarrassment passed over soon.

"Well sounds like you need to get out more. How about we go to a poetry session that I know of? We can laugh at all the bad ones they come up with and cry over the good ones, I'm emotional I'll have you know but really I find it quite fun and enjoyable." This was the perfect opportunity for him to keep Zuko by his side and maybe keep him distracted from bumbing into his sister and friends.

Zuko couldn't help keep the surprise from his face, he's never been invited to hangout before and Azula forcing him out with her friends didn't count. Someone wanting to spend time in his company for a long period of time no matter how boring and embarrassing he was was a nice feeling.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

"Great, I'll hear out for the next poetry session and come visit you with the plan."

"Alright and my breaks up, I'll have to get back to work. See you tomorrow?" Zuko hoped he didn't sound to desperate to see her again, it was nice having a friend? It was probably too soon to say that but maybe they could be.

"I can come by tomorrow after my errands. Thanks for the drink." Sokka had gotten his pouch out and handed Zuko change. Sokka couldn't help noticing Zuko's crazy warm hands, 'huh, must be a fire bender thing' he thought.

Zuko felt as Miyuki put the cold change in his hand and couldn't help look at the beautiful contrast their skins made, his a pale white to her beautiful dark brown. He had to shake his thoughts from imagining their hands entwined and smiled at Miyuki before heading to his uncle in the kitchens to help with the next orders.

Sokka left as soon as he saw Zuko go back into the kitchens. He had a big day tomorrow so it left him a nice chance to prepare early and plan things for tomorrow.

[scienceglitches]

Proposed Hypothesis: Emotions are based in memories.

How far back did his go? Far enough. He is no protoform, no youngling. Where did they stop for him? If he gave himself even a moment to ponder far enough back he could remember coming to...Rising from a haze of silent slumber, to the distant sounds of cheering that overshadowed the sounds of metal clashing viciously against other metal with the anger of different facets; The situation, the unrelenting determination of life, the simple fact someone had stolen the competitors share of energon that morning.

No. This is not where it started. Shockwave’s memory banks went even further.

 From day one, Shockwave had always shown promise, his ways ever methodical in a particular way that no one had quite yet matched. A wonderful, beautiful, flow of thought that lead to many massive discoveries for the Cybertronian race. Modifications, additions, and acclimation of weapons both defensive and offensive, transportation, and quality of life. So many of them credited to that of a single scientist, and the few that could stand to tip toe around his dance as some disappointing title of dance partners. A even greater portion of that already trifling number sticking around not for the pursuit of science and adventuring beyond the horizons already set by those of past, but rather the glory that came with it.

Initially coming off as abrasive, most lab partners that he was tasked with wound up wanting little to nothing to do with him by the end of the first project they’d complete with him. Shockwave could swear on his spark that it all only came from a place of passion.  A wanderlust to go where no other Cybertroni- No, A wanderlust to go where no other lifeform had gone before. The commodity of praise served no purpose to him and the destinations with which he strove to reach..., and he once only hoped that his endeavors could and would inspire others to take interest in the Scientist class. Willfully ignorant to the privilege he rested comfortably in to be blessed with his gift of mind. Willfully ignorant to the unfair caste system that plagued those around him immediately or far off- beyond even his ever expanding vision. For his eye only saw what was right in front of him, his most recent projects and perhaps the next one to come after them. Never did that single optic ever stray from his lab tables and off into the distance to the civilians who were effected most by his findings and research. Whether it were the unjust enforcement on the lesser caste of a weapon he had modified, or the no questions attitude he’d taken on for his research when given death row criminals to test with. 

 Whether that death row criminal was deserving of their sentence or not, mattered nothing to him. The question of ‘why’ never passing through the scientist’s ever driven processor. A question that should be there always. It’s the ‘why’ that beats the first beat of life for any project.

 It’s the ‘why’ that drives any living things compassion, regardless of the spectrum that it operates on. 

 To ask ‘why’ is a true sign of life.

 Inevitably, the projects started to become too “inhumane”. Requests for particular study being turned down, and others being heavily monitored where as before the senate had been fairly trusting of the scientists and his advancements. Ever eager to tighten their grip on the growing and evolving society of theirs. 

 The risk outweighed the reward, even when it came to experimenting on inmates. Death row or not. 

 The study was so close, he recalls. The framework was done, he’d crunched the numbers and data countless times instead of resting. Shockwave became restless with the project that could prove to be a huge advantage when dealing with traitors and spys. 

 The Cortical Psychic Patch was at a breaking point. 

 Looking back now, of course, he knows it’s flaws. Knows how long it would actually take to come to perfect the Psychic Patch so that it posed as little threat to either of the two participants. Sees where things could have been adjusted more proper. Leaving less room for error and the unfortunate tragedy that was to follow him. The event that would haunt his ‘why’ as long as his spark beats. 

 Eager to fine tune it, eager to finish it, eager to show the senate what he could be even more capable of if they would just entrust him with even more facility and bodies that he may need in any capacity;...Caution became a third thought. So sure in himself, he did what he thought was the only logical thing at the time. 

 Scientist became experiment. 

 He’d breached the idea with some of his most recent assistants, requesting their help in recording data and keeping optics on any wrong goings. For them to make in the moment decisions and adjustments, should the need arise.  All of them declined, all very unfortunately aware not just of the Senate’s disapproval in the cortical psychic patch research but also their extent in which they would go to punish those that disobeyed them. How far they would go to spin and weave just how wrong the person of persecution actually was, even if it couldn’t have been further from the actual AllSpark seeing truth.   Shockwave cannot remember the disappointment, offense, and upset he’d experienced at his colleagues lack of interest in the project, and the almost down right fear they exhibited.

 Scientist became experiment, alone.

 All of it had been completely illogical to act so recklessly on. Stupid. 

 Shockwave still had gone through with it, and it’s the last memory that he has before everything went emotionally black. What actually happened during the attempt didn’t matter match, there were no others in the lab. He’d had to go in at an offline time of cycle, which would wind up being none too strange for him. Leaving on time, or earlier, was more uncommon or question raising than this. As the head scientist, there was hardly anyone to retort on it. Another instance where his  privileged class left him ignorant and stupid, abusing his power for no good reason other than science. Becoming the experiment would wind up having him to pay for his hubris. Setting everything up was simple enough for him, and too simple at that- because it was no where near a point where it should have been ready to be doing this. Let alone on himself when there was no telling the outcome. Such a delicate procedure that had only been dreamed of until this point, all relying on the bots in question of participations’ processors and mental capacities. 

 So certain and proud in himself is Shockwave, though, he does not consider for a moment the consequences. Either he would succeed in this testing and preparation stage, be praised by The Senate. Fail, and they would slap him on the wrists for not listening to them. At worst, he’s offlined by his own experiment- and in that he is completely okay with it. In fact, that would most likely be his preferred way of going however that is not the topic at hand. 

 No, the outcome would be worst than his own experiment sending him to the Well of All Sparks. Shockwave can very clearly remember the pain it put him in. Wired directly into his spinal column, it sent large waves of electricity through him- forcing him to convulse. Going from leaning against a lab table, to a terrifying thud upon the ground. Something that would have certainly alerted any other bots in the vicinity were it not so late into the night. The pain burned him from within, yelling and screaming. Destroying itself as it so desperately attempted to find it’s way outside of his body, not only did it force him more into the ground in a needy attempt for a solid plateau it also forced some of his energon out of his body. Slow, meticulous, trickles evacuating from his joints as Shockwave makes attempts to focus on his survival rate at this point. Morbidly still collecting and recording data and numbers for the next group were he to not survive this. 

 As he solemnly reached, and over extended his restarleus, it seemed like survival was sliding through his digits one astro-second at a time. It felt like eternity that several times the tips of his claws would graze across the top of the leaver, only for him to fall to the ground once again.

 Filling in the space, Shockwave can recall the pain stopping and his body falling to a pathetic pile on the floor with no antagonizing energy puppeteering his body. He does not particularly recall his hands managing to make contact with the proper leaver and end it, but it’s what had to have happened. There was no way to confirm otherwise than his still beating spark against the record time it took for him to pass out after relinquishing the intrusive energy.

 Not too soon after, once he’d finally booted back up from recovery, he was put on a private trial with the senate. Something he could not believe, they were actually going to persecute and sentence him. It was almost unthinkable.

However, the most disturbing part that came to his processor was the fact that he felt nothing. Not “nothing” in the way someone would feel terrible and unforgiving after being caught doing something unthinkable. No there, simply, is not anything there for him to feel. Instead of feeling angry and betrayed at the senate and his fellow lab workers- he could only think of how it was logical that the senate felt it right to put him on trial for punishment. He’d disobeyed some direct instructions from the senate, explicitly done something they’d forbade him from doing after he plotted against that ban. 

 The risk outweighed the reward, so here he stood.

 Chances were given for him to try and appease to them, to attempt to explain himself out of the situation but even if he could go so far in his brilliant mind there was no extracting it out of him. Processor much more occupied and concerned with trying to figure out the absence of shock over these most recent developments. Trying to feel without, apparently, having emotions.   The trial passed smoothly enough, a member here or there passively expressing their disappointment in him- but there was no overlooking his blatant disregard for their authority. It’s nothing something that could just be glossed over, let alone for somebot that is only a scientist at that. 

 Shockwave is escorted to a transportation vehicle with what looks to be a handful of other rapscallion and criminals, silently staring and observing their every moves and taking the time to preoccupy his mind by predicting their next movements based on what he’d learned from them already. Once they’d all arrived at their apparent final destination, the sounds are only amplified from what he’d been subjected to on that vehicle. Only now it’s amplified to the umpteen degree. 

 As he scans and takes in the layout and other inhabitants the ruling plays again in his mind. Because of his background, he is technically medically equipped to handle a doctor’s job when given the proper tools. (Though Shockwave would argue that true for any able body out there, regardless of their class before pseudo doctor.) And with his larger frame, it made more sense for him to be sent to the pit. To deal with the gladiators who either lived with the class drafted to them or those that wished for their next opponent to finally be the one to end it all. Shockwave could physically handle these brutes if they became unruly. Here, in the gladiator pits, he could silently fade away. Either he’d live the rest of his days out caring for those the rest of society saw little more than entertainment in, or be brought to an end by those very same brutes. The problem would be solved one way or another, on a day later or sooner, eventually. 

 Even now, however, Shockwave looks back into these memories searching for any sign of emotion. Turning up fruitless, and finding that he does not even experience a light tinge of disappointment or frustration.   The working theory is that if one cannot visually recall memories than they should be able to ‘feel’ those same feelings from that moment in time. When he focuses he does not remember anything beyond the night he decided to turn himself into the experiment on his own. Everything is blank within his mind’s eye, which by all proven data is- Abnormal. 

 There is something in him that knows this is wrong, something that spirals out of control in his chest plate, but even he is unable to label this “something”. Since that life changing incident, he’d done his best to substitute outwardly where he lacked internally. Acting out and mimicking motions and habits of other bots that he deemed viable enough to do so with. Some part thinks that, perhaps, if he enacted emotional vulnerability on a physical level it would entice something in his spark...Eventually that theory was dropped, now only acting in habit or for the sake of giving Soundwave something to read off of. To be more “approachable”. 

Conclusion: Undetermined.

 Other things called for him now, much more important experiments. Experiments that he knows can logically be finished. 

[foxyotomelady]

Another love, Chapter XI (JuminxReader)

Author’s notes:

Be aware of: strong language, angst, violence. Yes, this is another rather dark chapter.

Grab some handkerchiefs and be ready for:

Chapter I | Chapter II | Chapter III | Chapter IV | Chapter V | Chapter VI | Chapter VII | Chapter VIII | Chapter IX | Chapter X | Chapter XI (You are here) | Chapter XII | Chapter XIII | Chapter XIV | Buy Me A Ko-Fi Have a nice reading!

Zen's POV 

Several days have passed since the Y/N's abduction. Everyone was losing their minds, her parents also knew what had happened, the police and security guards were looking for her days and nights. There was no trace of Yuwoon either.

It was early morning when Zen and Jumin were searching around the city. There were no bodyguards with them because Jumin insisted that they should separate in small groups to increase their effectiveness.

Zen was angry at himself that he didn't immediately recognize the woman in his dream - but when she appeared in it, he saw her for the first time. He found out who she is just after all that kidnapping. 

Zen didn't think it would ever happen - but he was worried about that jerk. The guy looked bad, he was pale, he had circles under his eyes, and well... he smelled like alcohol.

They were checking every suspicious alley, asking people... everything for nothing. Finally, as they walked through one of the narrow alleys, Jumin stumbled and would have fallen if Zen had not caught his arm in time, "Dude, be careful!"  Jumin jerked away from his hand and adjusted his shirt, which was still in disarray, "I'm fine." "You're not fine! Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?" "Even in this situation, all you can think about is a good look." "Not what I meant!" Zen got mad. "When was the last time you slept?" "Sleep? How could I sleep in such a situation? You’re illogical as usual." "And you're a jerk as usual! Don't you understand that you don't help her that way? You have to get yourself together if you want to help find her!" Jumin leaned his back against the wall and slowly slid down to sit below it on the ground. He buried his face in his hands. Zen didn't know what to do. He saw this guy in such a state for the first time in his life. "Zen... What if we won't find her?" "Don't even think so! We'll find her! Safe and sound!" "I just can't... I keep thinking of what this bastard could have done to her so far. I'm losing my mind..." Zen felt his throat clench, "We're all worried about her-" "You won't understand this," Jumin interrupted. "I've already lost V, if I lose her now... I will be completely alone." "Dude! What is this absurdity? You must be forgetting something! You have us! The RFA!" Zen couldn't believe he really said those words. To this jerk! But he couldn't look at his depression anymore.

Jumin rubbed his eyelids and sighed, "God... That it came to that I must hear such words from you." "Believe me, I didn't feel like telling them at all," Zen explained angrily. "But you have to get a grip on yourself, dude!" "It's not like I don't appreciate your friendship," Jumin began, rising slowly, propping up from the wall. "But no one can replace her…"

"Of course-"  "I made so many mistakes with her... I won't forgive myself if I don't have the opportunity to fix them."  Did Jumin Han just admit his mistake? In front of him?! It was that moment when Zen understood: this jerk really loved Y/N. In a twisted way, but still...  "We will find her, man..." Suddenly Jumin's cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket so hurriedly and in such panic that he almost dropped it to the ground, "Speak. What? Where?! Send me the exact location immediately. And send coordinates to Assistant Kang. She will know what to do with it next." Zen felt his heart beating hard, "What? Why? What did you find out?!"  "Saeran got the bastard's IP and discovered where he was constantly going."  "What?! Where?!"  "He'll send me- I have it! We'll go there! I'll call Driver Kim along the way."  "Wait! Shouldn't we notify the police?!"  "Jaehee will take care of it. There is no time!"

YOUR POV 

You didn't know how many days had passed. It was almost constantly dark in the building. You were thirsty and hungry. Yuwoon occasionally fed you and gave you something to drink, but it wasn't much. At first, he tended to untie your hands, and you tried to use these moments to somehow oppose him and run away - it always ended in him beating you brutally until you gave up. Then he even stopped untying your hands, you ate and drank from bowls like an animal. When you needed to take care of your physiological needs, he just sat you on a bucket and waited. You had to do it in his presence - which you failed at first - you couldn't force your body to do it. As a result of this, you got wet in your pants a few times when Yuwoon left and took the bucket with him. At first, you felt very humiliated. But after a few days, you didn't care. You were just terribly tired, your body was weak and in bruises.

It was morning when Yuwoon came to you again. He smiled at you in greeting, "How is my princess today? What is that indifferent expression on your face? You should be happy to see me! I brought you something to eat." 

He came to you. This time he reached his hand to you, he kept dry bread in it and put it under your mouth, "Come on, eat it obediently from my hand." 

You were too hungry to refuse. Yuwoon laughed as you chewed bite after bite.

While you were eating like that, you noticed a figure at the entrance. After a while, you realized that it was Yoon. He put a finger to his lips, signaling you to be quiet. You didn't have the strength to react anyway.

Yoon approached Yuwoon silently and suddenly grabbed him by the neck from behind. Yuwoon groaned and cursed. The men wrestled with each other for a while but finally, Yoon hit your kidnapper in the back of the head and he fell to the ground. Unconscious? Dead? You didn't care.

Yoon came up to you quickly, you saw worry and fear on his face, "It's all right, Miss Y/N! It's all right..." The poor man almost cried over you as he untied the ropes from your arms and legs, "Miss Y/N, say something please! Where does it hurt? What did that bastard do to you?"

You didn't feel like answering. You just looked at him. Your wrists and ankles were bloody, blue and mercilessly burning you.

"The coordinates of this place have already been handed over to the police and everyone else, they should be here soon," He continued, looking at your wounds and bruises. "God, it's a miracle I was around!"

"Yoon..." You managed to make a weak voice. A thought suddenly crept into your numb mind. You didn't feel like it was absurd at the moment, "Jumin doesn't want to fire you, right? I'll convince him not to." 

Yoon stared at you completely lost and moved. He could barely hold back the urge to cry now, "I deserve to be fired... It's my fault that you were kidnapped, Miss..."

You shook your head and then two more figures appeared at the entrance. Your heart jumped at the sight of Jumin and Zen. They both looked at you in shock, pale. Then Jumin hurried over to you, pushed Yoon away and fell to his knees in front of you. 

"Y/N... Y/N..." His voice broke, his hands trembled and he was afraid to touch you. "God... You're all bruised... God, your hands..." He took your hand in fear and stared at your blood-ragged wrist.

All your indifference and emptiness began to disappear. Jumin's presence awakened such a wave of emotion that you shuddered all over your body. All the trauma you went through came back to you.

"Jumin..." You looked into his eyes - they were red and had dark circles around, you could see the beginning of insanity in them. That was the last straw for you. "Jumin!" You cried and, despite your aching body, hugged him. In return, he embraced you so hard that you thought he would crush you. But you didn't care, you just wanted to be close to him. You couldn't stop crying and after a while... you both were crying.

"I thought I lost you ..." Jumin stammered through his tears, pressing your head against his shoulder. You wanted to answer, a storm of thoughts reigned in your head, but you choked with tears to the point that you were hiccuping and unable to speak.

"Shhh..." He tried to calm you down, though he didn't stop shedding tears as well. "It's alright, I'm here."

You suddenly heard someone's groan. You looked out of the corner of your eye and saw Yuwoon regain consciousness. The memories of everything he did to you came back to your head. Panic and fear overwhelmed you, you screamed and backed away, pressing your back to the wall. Jumin looked at Yuwoon who was massaging his neck and jumped to his feet, "You...! I'll kill you!" 

You've never heard Jumin so incredibly angry. You didn't want to know what he would do if Zen didn't grab his shoulders and stop him when Jumin threw himself in the Yuwoon's direction.

"Calm down, dude!" Zen shouted. "The police will be here soon and will take care of him!"

Yoon didn't let Yuwoon escape, he stopped him until the police arrived. An ambulance also arrived and you went to the hospital with the company of Jumin, who was holding you by the hand all the way.

You spent two weeks in the hospital. It turned out that in addition to bruises and bloody abrasions, you also had a sprained ankle. Moreover, you were starved, dehydrated and your head was heavily battered, now bandaged.

Jumin almost sued the hospital for refusing to let him stay with you all this time. In the end, he simply bought the whole room, making sure that only you could stay in it, and he slept on the bed next to you - although he did not sleep peacefully and not once when you woke up at night you saw him napping in the chair next to your bed.

During the day he just sat next to you, read to you, gave you water and talked to you. The first dinner you got was so miserable that... Jumin almost sued the hospital again. Anything he considered insufficient had to be rectified immediately. You almost felt unfair toward other patients, because Jumin's influence led to that all the staff was running around you like you were a queen. 

Other RFA members often visited you. When Yoosung saw you in the hospital bed for the first time, he cried like a child and you had to comfort him, patting his head in embarrassment. Seven smuggled you unhealthy food, including his favorite Honey Buddha Chips, but Jumin didn't let you eat it anyway. Jaehee brought you tasty fruits and at each visit, she also complained about the enormity of work and asked Jumin to return to the company. You also tried to convince him - thanks to him you already had excellent care here - but he was too stubborn.

When Zen visited you for the first time, he brought you a bouquet of red flowers, which of course caused a small argument. Jumin was just reading, sitting on the chair next to your bed when Zen entered the room with a wide smile and shouting "Baby~!" in his sweet voice.

Jumin, with a stoic expression, only raised his eyebrows without taking his eyes off a book, "What are these flowers for?" 

"What? Are you serious?" Zen came up to you and gave you a bouquet, for which you thanked with a smile. 

"Flowers won't help her recover," Jumin said professionally.

"Dude, I just want her to feel better!" 

"She needs neither you nor your flowers to feel better." 

This quarrel would probably continue for several minutes if you didn't start laughing.

Even Saeran visited you. You thanked him for what he did because without his work, searching for you could take longer or... no, you didn't want to think about it. 

"Now I am worthy of becoming your dog?" Saeran asked sarcastically. 

"You are worthy of soooo much more," You answered honestly. 

"I will make sure you get a proper reward for your work," Jumin added. 

Saeran blushed! "Stop with this stupid kindness. You're making me cringe..."

Yoon also appeared. He apologized to you and Jumin, and although he was the one who freed you from Yuwoon, Jumin continued to look at him sharply. You stood up for him and only because of your request Jumin did not fire him. But without blinking an eye he fired all the bodyguards Sarah had bribed.

And the day came when your parents visited you. You were sorry when you saw their condition - your mom didn't have any makeup, her wrinkles seemed to got worse, your father also seemed to age a few years, when you last saw him, he wasn't so gray on his head... Your mother obviously started to cry - much worse than Yoosung. Your father was like an iceberg, and he didn't take his eyes off Jumin. "Why didn't you tell us what was going on?" Mother asked you. "Why didn't you say you had problems with Yuwoon? That you moved out of your apartment?" "I'm sorry, mom... I didn't want to worry you...I didn't want to involve you in my love problems. I'm not a child anymore." Jumin handed your mother a handkerchief, without a word, stoic as always. "Oh, thank you..." Your mother blinked, picked up a handkerchief, and began to wipe her face and eyes. "Well, we're involved now, you want it or not," Your father said, then turned directly to Jumin, in a tone that made you feel cold and uncomfortable, "Don't get me wrong, young man, but I don't like your relationship with my daughter. I think you are partly responsible for what happened to her. You are a known person, you have your enemies. Now, when there are so many rumors about you two, my daughter will be constantly threatened." "Dad..." You started, squinting and pouting. "I understand you, Mr. L/N," Jumin replied calmly. "I am aware of what I am responsible for and why I have been at fault. Still, I would like to continue this relationship with your daughter, with your consent. I promise her kidnapper will be punished with the greatest punishment. My lawyers will take care of it."

Your father didn't look convinced. Ultimately, however, he took a deep breath under the pressure of your irritated look, "Well... Y/N is an adult, I can't stop her from anything. But if she ever gets hurt because of you again..."

"I understand, Mr. L/N," Jumin still had a stony expression on his face.

Your four talked for some time - Or rather... it was mostly you and your mother who was talking. Your father and Jumin... not so much. The tension between them was huge.

When your parents were about to leave, your mother, much to your embarrassment, grabbed Jumin's hand with both of her hands and said, "Unlike my grumpy husband, I am grateful to you for looking after my daughter. You are a very nice man."

You had to bite your lower lip to avoid laughing. You have never seen Jumin so embarrassed before. You knew that the compliments from other women never impressed him, but apparently praise directly from your mother confused him completely.

"I... Uh... Thank you, Mrs. L/N," He answered. "I will try not to disappoint you."

When your parents left, Jumin cleared his throat and looked at you, "What? Why are you smiling like that?"

[deadlines-in-life]

Deadlines.

Purpose, the things that make life worth living, or so I’ve heard. From youth I’ve listened to people pose the question, “What do you want to be?” I never have an answer. The question has become an incessant ear worm, tormenting me wherever I go. As children, our duties are limited to watching television or making friends to go on play dates with. After becoming a young adult the biggest problems in life are being popular or taking Stacy to prom. Once we’ve finally overcome the unpleasant hill that is puberty, you learn that nothing that mattered really matters. The perfect mental condition in which to dive headfirst into university, where you’re taught how to pretend to be an adult. Four to six years later, when you’ve reached the top of the food chain, you may find yourself at the bottom of the barrel once again. Sitting in a brightly lit cubicle doing a nine to five job you didn’t really want, but it lets me have warm showers and makes my parents proud. What is the purpose of choosing to struggle through this shitty process, money, recognition, maybe happiness? Happiness. That could just be the key to finding my purpose, otherwise how could my classmates, teachers, and parents prattle on for so long about it, it must mean something. What does it mean to be happy though? I was always told to do whatever makes me happy, but truth be told, I couldn’t care less. I’ve never been “happy” and life has been swell, twenty-eight years later I’m still alive, even without a purpose. Maybe happiness doesn’t exist, I mean it's just a word, a label for something that no one has been able to explain to me. What a worthless obsession, honestly it’s just something people use to justify their stupidity, like religion but worse. 

That's why I live my life around deadlines. It’s the only reliable thing that seems to make time move forward. The one thing that allows us to be in control of our own meaningless and mundane lives. No human can predict the future, but a person with a deadline can create a future. Ever since I can remember, I lived religiously for my deadlines. Dedicated to experiencing that momentary euphoria of completing a project on time. It is truly an inexplicable sensation. When time slows down to a snails crawl and you feel your issues wash away. I’ve tried explaining this to a few people, but no one ever gets it. They ask me, “is this really what you want in life”, or “are you truly satisfied with just this?” I wonder, where else you would seek satisfaction but from finishing a gruesome deadline. After you’ve poured your heart and soul into a project, after dozens of coffees and hours of fatigue, only to feel it dissipate in a single moment. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/take-the-mbti-instrument/home.htm?bhcp=1

The pursuit of happiness.

This is so stupid, happiness is plaguing my life again. I have a deadline tomorrow, but I just got off the phone with my co-worker and she told me my work doesn’t feel genuine. What in the world does she mean, it’s a goddamn news article, why does that need to feel genuine? Facts are facts, I just need to report them, who cares if some people are offended by reality, that would be illogical. I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow, she better not screw up my deadline.

Great, now I’m being sent sensitivity training by HR, all I did was call her a bitch when she called my writing miserable and obnoxious. She did that on purpose too, now they’re using her piece instead of mine. HR said I needed to lighten up and be happier. I’ll fucking show them happiness, my next story will be on the front page swear to god. 

That sensitivity training was a joke, all I had to do was spout some nonsense my teachers used to tell me. Is happiness that fickle and fake, I told the therapist some shit about aspirations and goals and now i’m “happy” and fit for work.

I can’t think straight, my legs are restless and I’ve written nothing since sitting in front of my laptop. Perhaps I need a change of environment, I’ll give the new cafe down the street a try. How ironic, of all things to assign me for this week's publication, it had to be “the pursuit of happiness.” Why am I so stuck though, I just have to do what I always do, make up some crap that panders to the audience. Where can I find inspiration?

My dog always seems so happy, I wonder what it is that can excite him so. Food, walks? Hmm, maybe I can write about exercise, or veganism. “A healthy lifestyle is what brings happiness, remember to walk at least ten kilometers a day and maintain a diverse diet!” Perfect. Why does it feel so lacking… 

Shit, my deadline is approaching but I don’t want to submit this piece.

*Why?*

I can’t miss out on two deadlines in a row, I need this job.

*How come?*

Just send it in damn it.

*What's the point?*

If I don’t, they’ll use something from that bitch again.

*Does it matter?*

Does any of this matter?

I couldn’t do it in the end, but I still don’t know why. Could it be the sensitivity training? No way, I learnt nothing over there. It's possible I may be sick, that would explain why I haven’t had an appetite for a while. Yet, it doesn’t feel like it, It felt like my writing was missing something. It's probably just because I’m tired, I’ll go visit the doctor tomorrow.

Two weeks notice.

Have you ever felt your whole world crash in an instant? Well, I came back from the doctors and it turns out I was sick, I’m terminally ill and was told I had two weeks to live. How did I never notice my health declining, but more importantly, what kind of deadline is given with only two weeks notice, it's unfair. What now?

The doctor told me there was nothing anyone could do, he told me to just try and make the most of these last two weeks, be happy. What would normal people do with this information. Party, take drugs, travel, maybe visit their family and friends. Do those things make people happy? That just sounds like a chore. I don’t really want to do anything, I don’t want to move. I think I’ll just go back to work. 

Is this how I pictured my final hours, it’s not like I imagined I’d have children and grandchildren around me in my final moments lying in a well lit a hospital room. The reaper will have to settle for this harshly lit office cubicle instead. I don’t feel frustrated or angry, so why does this feel again, so lacking. I feel discontent about something, what could it be. Fuck.

I was just told to pack up my things and leave, I’ve been fired. Apparently an anonymous complaint was filed which claimed inappropriate behaviour towards my co-workers, probably that bitch again. Screw it, what does it matter, I’ll be gone soon enough anyways.

The past week has been a blur, and it feels weird to be one week closer to death despite not feeling any pain. I can appreciate a painless death though, never did like pain. I cry too easily whenever I’m hurt, it’s quite embarrassing. I remember when I was younger, my mother would sing to me whenever I was hurt, and then the pain would disappear. It was a similar feeling to the stress of a deadline washing away after completion. Wait, why am I crying, have the pains finally set in?

I’ve come to really like this new coffee shop, It's quite fun to spend my days just sitting at the front of the shop where I can watch people go about their lives through this massive window. It’s made me realise how many sensations I will never feel though. Couples walking hand in hand, parents guiding their children along with their gelato from the store next door. I am familiar with the hustle and bustle of rush hour though. Watching people run late for work, or bumping into one another while focusing on their phones, and I see at least five people spill their coffee everyday.

Is this envy? I don’t know, but I’ve never felt such a strong desire to be one of those people rushing to work. I mean they have their whole lives ahead to experience things I never will, even the prostitute that comes out on the street corner at night has had sex and I haven’t.

Wait, I’m not ready, this isn’t what I wanted. There are still so many things I need to do before I go. Please, I haven’t even felt happiness yet. This deadline isn’t fair.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2582846/

[0418-r-blog]

Parallels

genre: angst, romance, university! au, mentions of sex characters: reader and Jiwon (Bobby), Ikon, others word count: 1855 summary: Jiwon doesn’t get attached and Y/n knew that.

Part 1 I only say the truth

Jiwon was a fuckboy. And you knew that.

It's been almost two years since Y/n moved to the apartment. When she arrived, Hanbin, Yuji and Jiwon already lived there and she took the place of another friend of them that went on a exchange program. At the beginning she was afraid she would feel outcasted but they welcomed her warmly and with time, all four became very close.

Hanbin was gentle and focused but was always trying to put up a bad boy facet that (almost) everyone believed in. Yuji was was sloppy, lazy and unpretentious in the most adorable way possible. Everything she did seemed to be a path to disaster but her charisma would always win. And Jiwon was transparent as a glass. He was sweet but at the same time, ruthless. He seemed quiet at first glance but his ability to relate to others was immense. He loved his friends, that was clear. But in addition, he was extremely devious and confident, traits that some hated and others loved. In the case of girls, it was the latest.  

Jiwon was a fuckboy. Y/n knew it and every girl at the campus also knew it but for some illogical reason beyond her comprehension, they would still get involved with him. He wasn't a complete jerk that prevented people from liking him or being his friend. He'd always let his intentions clear and be brutally honest about everything, never getting attached to anyone while attaching himself to everyone. He was the type of guy that Y/n would usually find to be a jerk but maybe for knowing him in completely different circumstances, she was found of him.

-

"Good morning" a voice came from her back. When she looked, it was a complete stranger with a sweet smile, "good morning" she responded, having absolutely no idea who she was but pretty much knowing she's with Jiwon.  A minute later, Jiwon comes out and gives his good mornings while displaying a shy smile to Y/n, that gave one in return.

"I'll be leaving now. Call me?" she smiled to him, gesturing a phone.

"Sure" Jiwon responded while opening the door.

"Is that coffee I see?" he asked.

"Yes, do you want some?" Y/n offered.

"Thank you" he flashed his bunny teeth and Y/n giggled while shaking her head for his cynicism about the situation. After that She quickly left to uni and promised that she'd go watch him play at night.

Each one of them had their own routine. Y/n went to her classes in the morning and in the afternoon she worked at the archiving department from University. Hanbin had a part-time job in the morning, classes in his afternoons and took the nights to compose or go to musical events in the city. Jiwon studied in the mornings and worked in a record store until late nights, playing twice a week at the campus radio as a DJ. And finally, Yuji, that was already graduated, worked in a office all day and took her nights and weekends to sleep, see her boyfriend and go clubbing.

This semester was incredibly dull to Y/n. The classes weren't exciting and everybody was super busy, barely being able to meet. Surprisingly her dull job at the University's library was quite exciting as unlikely as that might seem.

Drowning in books and documents all afternoon was strangely therapeutic to her. All her daily stress was unleashed in the solitude of the enormous file-room, the little laptop, scanner, and headphones that accompanied her since the beginning of the year.

After leaving work, she headed to the store that Jiwon worked. There was Hanbin, Yuji, and other of his close friends. Friday's on "Radio 3" had become one of the hottest spots in the city. The parties were practically infested with college students for it's proximity to the campus and the youthful but vintage vibe of the place.

Y/n was probably the shyest of the four and despite loving the company of her friends and getting a little tipsy at the end of the week, staying 6 hours grinding at a club was not her first choice. But Jiwon played at least once a month and she tried to show up some times.

Jiwon was very good at it and while his own productions were going a little slower because of work and school, he paid his bills by playing the music of others and his and Hanbin productions. Besides being best soul friends, Hanbin and Jiwon shared their love for music, and both, in their own way, ran after their dreams.  

Arriving there, Yuji welcomed her with a tipsy smile, handling a beer in her hand,

"Hey love" she exclaimed

"Hey" Y/n responded

"Tired?"

"Pretty much" she chuckled putting the beer away and grabbing a bottle of water at the bar.

"Just stay for a while and then go home."

"Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. Let me say hello to Jiwon" she said and turned around.

"Ok, go there hottie"

"Haha ok" Y/n responded laughing to her drunk friend.

"You're specially hot these days" her friend responded with a silly smile.

"Yuji, control yourself, your boyfriend is right there" she pointed to her boyfriend while he waved backed, laughing.

"I can't!" her friend gestured putting her hands on her heart.

She pulled away from her friend and headed for the cabin to give Jiwon a shy wave, which he returned with a smile.

"You came!"

"I always do"

"Only when forced"

"True" she giggled. "But hey, at least I come every other month, stop being demanding"

"Ok, you're right, it's a honor already"

"Are you thirsty, DJ?" both laughed of how corny that sounded.

"Yes, please." He said while grabbing the water of her hand.

Y/n intentions of staying only a little became a little different as the night go on and she felt like dancing and staying a bit more.

1 am. "Damn I need to go home" Y/n said out loud.

"Already?" Hanbin asked while dancing with Yuji.

"Yeah, I'm super tired. I'm gonna say goodbye to Jiwon. Bye, loves"

They waved back.

"Jiwon, I'm leaving now, see you tomorrow!"

"Hey wait, I'm leaving too. The other DJ will take over"

"Do you want me to wait you?"

"Yes, It'll only take a few minutes."

Y/n stood outside for 5 minutes when Jiwon came out and they started to walk towards the bus stop.

"Sorry, I was exhausted."

"It's fine, I'm dead" he laughed with his visible tiredness. "These last weeks have been brutal with the midterms and work but I can't stop playing here, it's the only way I have to share my music"

"You're not paid for playing?"

"No. The owner pays me for my work at the radio, as a cashier, to clean the floor, anyways...but playing is the bonus I have, a opportunity. So even when I'm dead, I play."

"That's good because your set is amazing"

"You don't have to please me, Y/n" he gave a small smile.

"No, I mean it. You're great, both your remixes as your own productions. Don't stop believing" she said while she signed the bus to stop. He gave a coy, thankful smile and both entered the bus and sat at the second to last row of benches.

"And you, what have you been doing?"

"Oh no, my life is not as exciting as yours"

"How's that, what your life has that is not interesting?"

"Everything!" she laughed. "I only study and go to work at the library in the afternoons"

"You don't like it there?"

"To be honest, I love there haha. But it's far from being a crowded club or dreams of being a artist or anything slightly exciting"

"I think everyone has a dream, a path. And if...uhm...-"

"Archiving"

"Archiving is what you like then archiving is exciting because you are exciting"

"Stop it, now who needs to try to please me is you. Not even the famous and coveted Dj Bobby saying that archiving is cool is gonna make archiving cool"

"Maybe?"

"No"

Both giggled loudly.

He cleared his throat and asked "but what do you mean with coveted?"

"That was the word you decided to remember?"

"Yes, explain yourself"

"What do you mean explain myself?  You're the sensation among a lot of the girls at the campus and you know that very well"

He gave a cocky smirk.

"I just think it's unfair for you to be talking about me when you barely comment about your love life"

"What love life?" she giggled while Jiwon stared at her in confusion.

"That's right, while I admit my indiscretion you are so private I almost don't see any of your love conquests"

"Conquests? Jiwon, my love life is as agitated as hers" she stated while pointing at a old lady that was sitting in the first few seats of the bus that looked like she was at least 90 years-old.

"You don't know, maybe she's living the best life. It's 1 am after all"

"Oh my god, you're right, I'm even worse" both laughed uncontrollably earning some bothered looks in the bus.

"But really" he resumed "I find it very hard to believe in that"

"Why?"

"Well, how can I say this"

"What?"

"That's our bus top"

She got confused until she realized their bus stop has indeed arrived. Both walked in silence for two minutes towards their home until she got curious.

"What were saying?"

"Nothing"

"Tell me!"

"It's nothing"

"C'moooon"

"I was gonna say that I find it hard to believe that you don't have a love life when you're that hot"

"Jiwon!" she exclaimed while laughing.

"What? You wanted to know" he backed while also laughing.

"Stop messing with me"

"What do you messing with you, girl?"

"I'm not hot"

"You're very hot, gorgeous, A++ so stop being shy about it or I'll keep going" he warned.

She laughed, embarrassed, while both entered the empty apartment.

"That's what you say to all girls?" she mocked him.

"I'm not that lazy and girls don't fall for that, Y/n"

"Sorry" she said, embarrassed by her own statement.

"I usually invite them to see me play, then I take them to the bus stop, we chat and then I compliment them" he spoke while having the most vicious look in his eyes.

Y/n never saw him looking like that to her before.

"Jerk" she murmured while soft smiling. Her hands were getting strangely cold and her heart started to pound. She then rested her body against the kitchen counter and looked again at his eyes. It was pure lust. Her stomach was on fire, she wasn't even trying to understand what was going on.

"Are those compliments usually true?"

He smirked, slowly walking in her direction "I only say the truth"

She slightly bite her lips and softly murmured "I doubt it"

"Don't doubt me" he said while getting too close. Both bodies connected and in a snap of fingers, they began to kiss uncontrollably. It didn't take long until those desperate kisses on the kitchen migrated to his bedroom.

-

Thank you for reading!

[thesffcorner]

Empress of All Seasons

Empress of All Seasons is a YA fantasy written by Emiko Jean. It follows three characters: Mari, a yokai Animal Wife whose only mission in life is to conquer the Four Seasonal Rooms in the Imperial Palace and marry the prince; Taro, the prince, who prefers surrounding himself with his metallic inventions rather than humans; and Akira, a half yokai, half human, and Mariko’s best friend, who gets caught up in a yokai rebellion. I am so disappointed in this book. When I started reading it, I was absolutely captivated by the world of Honoku, and all of the Japanese folklore, and I was excited to follow Mari on her adventure. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that this book wasn’t going to deliver on most of this amazing world building, and by the end, what started out as a potential new favorite fantasy, turned into a mess.

World-building: This is the part of the book I unequivocally enjoyed. Empress of All Seasons is set in Honoku, an island inspired by Japan, where humans and demons or yokai live side by side. The yokai have been enslaved by the humans, and live subjugated, especially in the Imperial City. This was all great; I absolutely love Japanese folklore and mythology, and it’s not something we see often in fantasy; I absolutely adored all the different creatures. Japanese mythology is extremely different to European mythology, so all the different types of yokai and oni, their powers, the way the society is set up and the subversion of having women fight over the prince instead of vice versa were all great. I also really enjoyed the use of the Gods as a means to explain the backstory of the island; it was a very clever way of delivering backstory and a glimpse into the morals and culture of the world. I also liked Jean’s writing style; she uses descriptive but simple sentences and gave the world a certain charm, that made it very fairytale-esque, and readable. The issue with the world-building was unfortunately that it felt unfinished and lacking in execution. While the setting and different creatures were all interesting, none of them were truly explored or even developed. The issue comes down to the book’s length; at 350 pages, it’s simply too short to fit in this much world-building, mythology and plot and execute it well. As a result, we get introduced to the yokai being slaves in this world, and Mari’s clan, the Animal Wives being the last remaining yokai that aren’t enslaved, but this concept has no impact on the world. For one, it creates these cool supernatural creatures with no powers; only a few characters have powers that they actually use, and the rest are all nerfed. For another issue, in spite of this world operating on slavery, we never truly see any consequences for this. As an example, though I didn’t entirely like Children of Blood and Bone, it nailed this part of the story. There were consequences for the way the world is set up: characters were in constant danger of abuse or death, there was overpowering mistrust and fear, there was a true sense of injustice at how the society operated. Here, even though 2 of our leads, and many of the prominent secondary characters were yokai, there was never any sense of danger or peril; Mari was a yokai surrounded by deadly samurai and priests and never once was I worried she’d get found out or using her powers would have bad results. Tone: Along with the unfinished world, the tone was also an issue. Characters die in this book. A lot. And yet, like I said, there was no point at which I genuinely felt any of our leads were in danger, or really care about any of the characters who died. As a result the tone fluctuated wildly between fun, fast-paced action-adventure (think Kabaneri), and, gritty, grim action-drama (think Attack on Titan). One moment, a character’s entire village gets destroyed and all her relative and friends are killed, and the next we are back to funky shenanigans of planning a coup. Lines like 1000 against one; those are unfair odds. For them, don’t work juxtaposed to something as genuinely horrifying as slave collars that burn the skin off of whoever touches them, and when the horrific things and deaths happen, there is no time to mourn or feel the loss because of the Pacing: The issue that compounds every other issue in this novel, and it’s the pacing. Like I said; 350 pages is not enough for the amount of things that are squeezed into it; as a result, characters have no time to grow, and things that should and in other series do take up whole books, take up barely a chapter. As an example, let’s take Akira. He starts of as a cowardly, weak boy, in love with his best friend and preferring to hide and cower, rather than stand up and fight. He follows Mari to the Imperial City, thinking that if he became like the ronin who escort her, he would become worthy of her love. In said city, he overhears rumors of a yokai Weapons Master and a yokai rebellion and sets out to find them. He then trains, becomes a master shuriken thrower and reconnects with Mari. Sounds fairly simple right? Firstly, it takes Akira exactly 1 chapter to find the Weapons Master. Then, it takes another chapter for him to start training and get accepted by the rebels, and another chapter to become a COMPLETE MASTER SPY AND MASTER AT SHURIKEN. His hesitance at being part of the rebellion, comes of an completely illogical flip flopping, because one chapter he’s ready to run, the next he’s facing down 100 samurai by himself. One chapter he loves Mari and wants to escape with her, the next he’s completely fine with her being in love with someone else. One chapter he’s a coward, the next he’s saving the Weapon’s Master herself from an ambush. All of this in LESS THAN 5 CHAPTERS. I can’t even call his training training, because there’s no montage of him gradually becoming good at spying and throwing the shuriken; one chapter he’s bad at it, and the next he discovers the one thing he needs to do to be a master and becomes a master! Easy peasy. What should rightfully take up half a book (learning to fight, becoming braver, getting closer to the other yokai and the Weapon’s Master, changing his mind about Mari and the rebellion) take up barely a few chapters. That’s so fast, I wondered if I was accidentally skipping over chapters! And if you think that’s fast, let me remind you that Akira is 1 OF 3 LEAD CHARACTERS. Mari is the only one out of the three that has a sped up, but at least understandable character arc. Taro? His heel turn is so quick, I wonder why he was even a POV character. Plot: There is just too much going on in this book. Several rather major plots like Mari’s best friend and her child, Sachiko, Nori and Asami, Sei the servant girl, and the priests don’t even get resolutions! Heck, the main plot doesn’t get a resolution! Now with the title and the small synopsis I gave you at the start, you’d think that the main plot of this book would be the competition of the Four Seasons. And you’d be wrong; the competition takes even less time than the Essen Tach did in A Gathering of Shadows. There is 1 chapter per room, and the last room isn’t even a real one, it’s a duel. There is a bit of clever writing here with the puzzles in addition to the elemental obstacles, but none of the rooms were interesting. We don’t know any of the other 99 girls, and the ones that we do get to know are quickly discarded; Mari doesn’t even get to defeat any of them, they get dispatched completely independently. There is nothing interesting in the rooms, no elemental magic, or seasonal obstacles. The Winter Room was the worst by far, because you’d think a freezing snowstorm and four named characters would be the highlight, but it’s just as disappointing as everything else. So if the competition isn’t the main focus, then what is? Glad you asked; it’s a war! Not only is it completely unnecessary, we don’t care about any of the characters on either side, and it’s over in 3 chapters, the ending is so anticlimactic, that it genuinely brought down this book from a 3 to a 2 star. Without spoiling anything, we don’t get to see the actual conclusion of the book and we don’t even know if the main characters succeed in what they set out to do. Characters: This book has a LOT of characters. I’ll try my best to avoid SPOILERS, but for some it’s impossible. So if you don’t want to know anything, skip to the end. The Emperor is a pale copy of King Saran from Children of Blood and Bone, even down to his motivation. He was boring and uninteresting. Satoshi could have been interesting, but instead he was a completely one dimensional character, and a cliche. Not only that, but he’s also an implied rapist! Love that! Sei likewise could have been more interesting, but unfortunately she was also a cliche. She exists to provide a reminder that yokai are enslaved, and she’s a completely powerless and agency-free character. We never see her yokai powers, and her ending was likewise used to further another character’s plot. Out of the other competitors, Asami was the only one I’d call a character. Even still she’s completely underused, and though we get to see her powers and they are supremely cool, she ends up doing nothing for the plot. I was annoyed at her ending and also hated that her queerness and relationship were only implied. Hideko was the most interesting and my favorite character. She was a bit extra and a bit crazy, and though her monologues were very on the nose, she did get the best dialogue. I wish we could’ve seen her powers, though she did make up with her appearance and her pet ferret, Large. She also got an interesting backstory, but like Asami she doesn’t do anything; she just gets captured a lot. Yay. Akira we went over already, but what I really hated about his character was that both his cowardice and his overcoming of said cowardice were both informed traits.He watches someone use their power and statute to bully Sei into letting him in her room, where she is collared, alone and completely unable to protect herself and doesn’t intervene. Later he watches her gruesome murder and again, even though he can easily stop it, by, I dunno THROWING A SHURIKEN AT THE PRIEST he lets it happen. He wasn’t brave, he was an idiot and his character was completely static, and often made really dumb, unmotivated decisions that then had destructive consequences. Before I talk about Taro, I want to talk about that damn love triangle, as if this book didn’t have enough plot threads already. Why write in a love triangle if you won’t commit? If you’re going to do it do it! Don’t pussyfoot around it, and make one character suddenly completely understanding and fine that the other has fallen in love with someone else. It makes no sense and just wastes our time. Taro, the other half of this love triangle, was an even worse, even more incompetent and confused version of Inan. Everything about him is an informed trait; he is broody and cold and that’s about it. He is incredibly dense and gullible, believing what everyone tells him too with no evidence, falling in love with Mari after seeing her once, turning into a genocidal maniac with very slight provocation, in spite of displaying no signs that he’s violent or hateful. How and why he turns from someone who is compassionate to yokai to someone wanting to enact genocide is BEYOND me. His relationship with his father is strained and very slight, and his relationship with Mari was rushed. His ending too was an absolute train-wreck; he’s never faced with the consequences of his actions and because of a ‘twist’ basically everything he does is pointless. Mari was the only lead I liked, and she deserved a better story. I liked that she was genuinely stubborn and rash, that she spoke before she thought, that she was small, plain and not pretty and that she was already a capable fighter and warrior before the book started. I hated the love triangle, and her rushed relationship with Taro, but I loved her relationship with her mother and even liked the small rivalry/friendship she had with Asami. Like Taro, she too was a bit dense; she never really solves any of the puzzles in the rooms, and she’s constantly being saved by someone, both in the rooms and in the war. She has what is meant to be a big turning point for her character after the Winter Room, but there is no time for her to mourn or be properly dejected; it’s from one plot point to the next and her characterization suffers as a consequence. Conclusion? This is not a good book. I wanted to like it, I really did, and there is so much potential in here. If you are looking for a very quick, fantasy with a cool world and lot’s of mythology, then maybe check it out. But if you like your worlds with a little more substance and characters with a lot more personality, then skip this. There are better fantasies out there. 

goodreads

[enigmasalad]

You’ll Be in My Heart

(Based off of @awkwardeko6 ‘s flying Virgil & Baby Patton fanart. READ IT PLEASE @awkwardeko6 !!!1) Virgil stumbled into his cave. These ‘cryptid hunters’ were becoming more and more persistent. And what’s worse is they were getting closer and closer to his home. The last guys put up a huge fight. One of them had a knife. The guy sliced and stabbed at Virgil. After ”disposing” of the greedy and desperate bastards Virgil realized he had some deep wounds. So now he was in his home. He made his way to where he kept medical kits from the people who ran in terror or accidently left them behind. As he walked bright purple blood dribbled from his leg, arms and side and dripped in puddles on the stone cave floor. “Shit. These guys knew what they were doing.” He mumbled to himself. Virgil took out a roll of bandages and began wrapping his wounds. Being a winged being meant he could heal faster and was resilient to things like “bacteria”, or that’s what humans called it. As he wrapped his arm up, his massive wings knocked something over. It fell down with a loud thud. A few seconds later a loud crying could be heard. Virgil cursed and finished up wrapping his wounds before venturing deeper in the cave. “Uwaaaaaa!” A Virgil rushed more, the loud crying got louder and louder. Finally, turning on a large battery light, he could look at the creature more carefully. Of course calling his own son a creature was..incorrect. “Hey kiddo. Did I scare you?” Virgil asked while picking up the small infant. The baby cried still as Virgil shushed and bounced it. The child in the gray kitty onesie snuggled closer, his cries slightly diminishing. “That’s right Patton. Im here. Your dad’s gonna keep you safe.” Virgil soothed.

Since Patton was still crying he had to resort to plan B. “Come stop your crying, It’ll be alright.” At the sound of Virgil singing, the infant stopped crying and looked up at his father. Virgil smiled widely as the child gently held his index finger when he gave it to the boy. He was grateful his baby wasn’t scared of his massive wings. “Just take my hand, hold it tight. I will protect you, from all around you. I will be here don’t you cry.” Patton gave a small baby squeal as Virgil lifted him a bit into the air. Virgil chuckled quietly at his son’s cute laugh. “For one so small, you seem so strong.” Virgil brought Patton close to him again and started walking away from the crib. “My arms will keep you safe and warm.” He could see the cave opening and the moon. He knew he had to do this, for the safety of the son he loved so much.

  “This bond between us cant be broken. I will be here, don’t you cry.” Virgil sang. Stepping out into the moonlight, Virgil looked around them. The coast was clear. He smiled down at Patton. Patton looked up at Virgil and lifted a tiny and chubby hand to the winged person’s cheek. Virgil spread his wings out and with a bit of force, he and his baby were in the air. Patton squealed with glee and wiggled his chubby legs. “Cause you’ll be in my heart. Yes you’ll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forever more.” Virgil sang as he continued his lullaby. There were a few clouds in the sky. It was a perfect night for flying. Patton cooed excitedly. The baby always liked  flying with Virgil.  

  “You’ll be in my heart, no matter what they say. Youll be in my heart, Always.” Virgil smiled once more at the sight of Patton looking at the many sparkling lights of the massive human city below. “Abagh” Patton cried out in excitement. Virgil held his son closer as he swooped down to a more residential area. Worries filled his mind. Would his son be safe? Was he doing the right thing? He could always fly back home! He could go back home with Patton and act like he had never done this. He could continue this life he and his son were living. “Why can’t they understand the way we feel? They just cant trust what they can’t explain.” Virgil sighed as his wings flapped silently. He looked down to Patton. The child’s eyes were becoming droopy. Virgil smiled and nuzzled his son’s cheek. “I know we’re different, bit deep inside us, we’re not that different at all.” Virgil sang quietly. Patton yawned and smiled sleepily. Virgil pulled the hood of his cat onesie up. He thought back on the human who was Patton’s other father. The man wasn’t greedy and he was very kind to Virgil. Virgil tried to keep this man away but he persisted. They became fast friends. They also became lovers a little too fast. The man was happy when Virgil said they would have a baby. He rushed to his truck and drove to immediately start buying things for Virgil and his future baby’s comfort. He never came back. Virgil learned from a newspaper obituary the man had died in a car crash. He was alone. Patton was his son. Human, yes, but still his son. He was all he had left in this world. Soon Virgil saw his destination and swooped down into a tree. There was a basket with a blanket and two notes in the branches. Virgil had stashed it the previous night in this tree. He put his son in the basket and tucked him in. Patton was fast asleep now, hopefully dreaming of bright moonlight, sparkling stars and dark fluffy clouds. He hoped his son would dream of such things forever, but he knew it was illogical. With a kiss to Patton’s forehead he continued his lullaby. He didn’t want Patton to wake up soon. However it was harder to continue it. Tears blocked his vision. He held the basket closely. “Don’t listen to them, cause what do they know? We need each other, to have, to hold.” Virgil sighed. “They’ll see in time, I know.” Patton let out a happy sleep sound. The boy was surely dreaming of something pleasant. His rosy cheeks make his cute freckles stand out in the night. He was truly a shooting star; the best wish Virgil had ever made. Virgil flew down from the tree with his own rock-a-bye baby and walked towards the front door of the two-story green house. “When destiny calls you, you must be strong. I may not be with you, but you got to hold on.”

  Virgil definitely felt the emotions now. Devastation filled his chest and mind as he looked down at his sleeping baby. The last remaining piece of his human lover, the person he’s protected, his biggest miracle. He was about to give it away. The anxiety of his mind screamed for him to go back home with Patton. To leave the basket and notes and put that baby back In his crib at home. He could protect him! He kept Patton safe!

“They’re see in time,  I know.” Virgil sobbed.

He knew Patton couldn’t stay with him. It wasn’t safe. These cryptid hunters were getting too close for comfort. What if they found Patton? They’d steal him! They’d send him off for “science” or something! Hell they could

murder

him!  If Virgil came home having to wrap himself up as often as he’s been having to, he can’t raise his son. It would be unfair to Patton. Its unfair to put his precious son in danger.

“You’ll be in my heart. Believe me you’ll be in my heart. Ill be there from this day, now and forever more.”

Placing his child down on the doorstep, he lowered himself on the ground and sat on his knees. He pulled a wing closer to himself.

“You’ll be in my heart, yes you’ll be in my heart. No matter what they say, you’ll be in my heart.”

Virgil pulled a dark purple scale from his wing and put it on Patton’s chest. One last memento so perhaps his son might remember him.

“Always. Just look over your shoulder.”

Virgil kissed Patton’s forehead one last time and rang the doorbell. He flew up into the air, high above his sunshine. He watched as a woman came out and looked down at the doorstep. Another woman came and they both looked down at the note Virgil wrote for them. He forced his eyes away as these humans took his son into their cozy house.

“I’ll be there always.”

[siyizhangblog-blog]

Annihilation, destruction or rebirth?

I watched this movie, Annihilation, with my friend in a cinema near the college. Usually, we would like to talk about our feelings with each other when we finish the movie but this time we didn’t. It was so complicated to summarize the main idea of this movie and my feeling to it even though I was totally attracted by its picture, music and lines. And I failed to fall asleep at this spring night and couldn’t stop thinking about it in a chorus of insects.

It was not the first time I encounter with this movie. In fact, I read the original work named the Southern Reach Trilogy two months ago. Jeff VanderMeer, the author who won Nebula Award in 2014 because of this science fiction novel created a mysterious and enthralling world for a romantic and also thrilling fantasy story, which was perfectly reproduced on the screen visually and aurally by director Alex Garland. A team of five female scientists consisting of a psychologist, a physicist, a geologist, a nurse and a biologist are sent into an area known as Area X to explore what is happening behind a shining border. The biologist, Lena, also wants to unravel the puzzle of her dying husband who is the only survivor of the previous expedition and find the way to save his life. Although the plot seems to be reasonable, it does gives the audience, especially, me a lot of surprises in terms of the atmosphere, the connotation and insight.

          Figure 1 Five female scientists (the second from left is Lena)

Why is the atmosphere of this movie so significant? Because the atmosphere is the essence of unique and evident Cthulhu style throughout the entire one hundred and twenty minutes. Different from other horror fictions, Cthulhu Mythos scarcely put a group of teenage friends into a dilapidated medieval castle hovered by a ghost, a desolate and cursed forest or a typical party with an unexpected visitor but intend to build a horrific, desperate, depressive and melancholy atmosphere and background which hits on viewer’s nerves all the time. Even without the specific symbol or incarnation of horror and fear, you can still feel the insanity contained in words and sentences. That’s how I felt when I first read the novel, At the Mountains of Madness, written by H.P. Lovecraft, the father of Cthulhu Mythos. The similar tension and anxiety grasped me again when watching Annihilation. No background music and no monologue or dialogue, just silence, the movie starts only with a woman (the biologist) in a white hospital gown sitting in a separated room. The whole picture looks dull and gloomy, which reminds me of a distant memory or a childhood nightmare in blur. More than the quiescent and depressing tone, the movie also successfully integrates fantastic and beautiful scenes with when following the female expedition to enter this unearthly Area X. The leafy and thick forest interspersed with small flowers, lucid stream and strange animals as if they come from the fairy tales. But remember, beauty always comes along with death.  

                 Figure 2 A book cover of At the Mountains of Madness

Quite a lot spectators left negative comments on the Internet to criticize the ambiguity and mystification of this film resulted in the weak and illogical storyline. However, in my opinion, it is unfair to deny the value of contemplation on the meaning of life. In the movie, Area X is surrounded by “the shimmer” that reflects everything, lights, sound waves and, most importantly, genes, the basic genetic materials in charge of growth and propagation. They are disrupted into small pieces and arranged into a completely new order, which explains those strange and incredible creatures like the twin deer and fish, a crocodile with shark-like teeth and a bear whose howling sounds like a man speaking. And the same effect happens on human who visited this area. We may think naturally that is a huge destruction and catastrophe to creatures in this area in that they are no longer themselves, but how about thinking of it in the other way? Instead of standing on a human-centered viewpoint, it can also be the prosperity of new life form and the beginning of an unprecedented era. Is it a death or a rebirth? That’s probably why Annihilation, a physics term, was chosen to be the appropriate title of this movie.  

                              Figure 3 Plants grow into human shape

                                    Figure 4         Twin deer  

                                         Figure 5          the shimmer

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.” Said by H.P. Lovecraft. We are born to be afraid of things we have ever known or understood. That is what Area X means to us, no matter the characters in the movie or the audience. Nevertheless, human beings are too proud to give up so called “the most intellectual creatures and the center of this planet” without realizing how minimal we are compared with the infinite universe or something superior to us, which is also the main idea of Cuthulhu Mythos, a strong dispute to “Man is the Measure of All things”.

[cheesetrap0113]

Keys To You

“What?” dumbfounded, Jaehee asked her boss for the 3rd time. 

“You heard me. I think you should give me a duplicate of your keys.” 

“I heard you right Mr. Han, but for what purpose?” she argued, slightly raised up her eyebrow, subtle enough not to notice. 

“I think it’s just unfair that you have access to my house and I don’t have to yours. It’s in business. For a deal to go through, both sides should be equal,” Jumin explained, in his usual businessman demeanor.

 “I do get the basic logic of business Mr. Han. What I don’t understand is why would you need my keys? Besides this business man talk here doesn’t even apply to the situation. You’re demanding without enough reasons.” 

“I already told you. I just want equality. You have my keys, I will have yours,” he pushed the argument more. 

“Just a reminder that you sir, gave me yours. I did not asked for it,” she crossed her arms. “Besides, you said that it will be easier for me to come to your house if I have your keys. So even though you’re not around and I need some documents from your home office, I could make myself at home,” she finished. 

“That’s exactly it...” Jumin pointed. 

“That’s exactly what?” puzzled, she narrowed an eye on his statement. 

“That’s the reason why I want your keys. To make myself at home.” 

“In my apartment?” she slightly raised her voice. She’s not angry, but at this point, Jumin’s just being illogical and irrational that made her sarcastic. 

“Who else’s?” Jumin blurted out, and honestly his answer doesn’t help her bewilderment go away. 

“Why do you need to be at my house? Mr. Han, telling me that you want to feel at home in my apartment doesn’t sound to convincing,” Jaehee is just one more argument close to snapping at his boss. He’s not just irrational at this time but he’s being a “dick” as well. “Mr. Han I’m--”

“I want a breath of fresh air...” he sighed, wrinkling his forehead.

“My apartment is in the middle of the city Mr. Han. There’s no fresh air at there at all--”

“Assistant Kang... one more word of refusal, I will deduct a thousand won from your salary,” his tone changed and it’s obvious that he’s serious.

“What?”

“Give me a duplicate of your keys…” he insisted.

“Mr. Han, even though I might be able to receive my salary this month for saying this but, I can’t give them to you unless I hear an acceptable reason,” her eyebrows fall flat as she reason out with her boss. Handling all the works given to her is one thing but, she had never seen Jumin this irrational which throws her in a puzzle.

Jumin exhaled deep.

“Mr. Han, if you’re done talking, I’m—“

“I just wanted to be surrounded by your scent…”

For a moment, Jaehee was stupefied. Did she hear it right? Hello? Is Mr. Han talking?

“Mr. Han… what was that?”

“You heard me…”

“But, why—“

“Ms. Kang” Jaehee was abruptly called out by her subordinate. “Sorry to interrupt but, someone is calling on your line and she can’t get through… if you can just prioritize this urgent matter…”

“Oh. Okay. Please wait for a minute,” she placed the phone once again against her ears. “Mr. Han, I need to go…”

“Jaehee. Keys. Later. Or salary deduction…” he threatened her.

“Fine,” she sighed and hung up. She looked around to see that all of them are looking at her, whispering at each other.

Apparently, using company line to flirt around isn’t a good idea.

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“Well, being a boss isn’t a bad idea…” Jumin smiled, as he plays the keys with his hand.