modestonvl211734-blog

[ven-of-oath]

I love being in a space where it's like 'okay so this is a trans positive discussion 💖💖' then you have to sit through an hour and a half of the most 'no hate but [the most biased and transphobic statement about an event you've ever heard]'

[formula-fun]

my love. today I read your venom au finally (idk why I was putting it off, probs bc I wanted to enjoy as much of it as possible before I go into venom!max brain rot). RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ABSOLUTELY AMAZING FIC!!!!!!! DETHRONED YOUR OWN ABO FIC FROM MY LIST OF ALL TIME FAVESSSSSSSSS

in all seriousness tho, I loved it so much, max is so silly there:] he's just a big goopy lad who's obsessed with his human and I have to respect it (me too, mate, me too).

now my love, I have a question that burns me which I'm afraid I have to ask: how upset is max that he can't get his human pregnant? and does he make his indignation with charles' biology known? alternatively: mpreg? 🤲🏻? venom style mpreg? 🤲🏻🤲🏻? for me? 🤲🏻🤲🏻🤲🏻? lestappen with a lil goop baby that wrecks havoc and who lives in charles' pockets? 🤲🏻🤲🏻🤲🏻🤲🏻?

thank u for the fic mwah mwah kissing you loving you all that shabam

my LOVE! thank you sm i'm glad you liked it!! <3333 dethroning if i had words is CRAZY my evil little goo fic has come so far hashasahsah no i have so much fun writing them being silly and bullying each other in charles' brain, it's a good time!!

and im gonna write under the cut because i love this question, i have many many many thoughts. this is also gonna show how little regard i have for the source material unfortunately. but im having FUN

so i wrote a snippet a little while ago abt max's reproductive cycle because apparently this au wasnt weird enough, and basically long story short HE can get pregnant and has in the past, but symbiote babies are very vicious and hungry and their first act in life is usually either to eat their parent or be eaten. so max's parenting instincts are pretty nonexistent. they also reproduce asexually, so his mating instincts are similarly nonexistent. sort of. for a while

max is in love with everything about earth though. he loves that so many creatures instinctively care for the young of even other species, he loves that reproduction is a decision between two parties, he loves that humans devote so much of themselves to raising their young. he finds it all kind of sweet, but the weight of it didnt really click until charles found out max could have babies but was disappointed to learn they couldnt raise them and love them like humans do. its like he hadnt really considered that could even be possible for them, but once he learns there might be a way he goes all warm and soft and max is like ??

cause then max realizes all at once, like. he wants to make something with me. he wants to do the things that humans do when they raise their young, he wants to be with me forever and ever, he wants me because his oldest most ancient instinct thinks i would make a good mate and i would take good care of his babies. he wants to have sex because it feels good and he wants it to be me because he loves me, but maybe also he wants it to be me because he wants me to help him make something thats a little bit of both of us?? and welcome 2 earth alien blob max w a breeding kink

and i dont know, i would like to say they find a way around the problem eventually. maybe there's some way it works out? maybe it's some sort of nature vs nurture situation where max's babies end up being super chill because they were raised in a loving environment, or maybe symbiotes arent driven by a base urge to consume, it's just a product of their hive mind which has been silent since the civil war started. maybe any babies max has end up taking on a lot of charles' characteristics simply because charles was hosting him when they were created. it's possible they find a way around it and get a lil goo ball to call their own. maybe max almost does eat it until he feels how anguished charles is abt it, and then he looks down and registers that their baby is the same soft pink as charles' palms and eyelids and the tips of his ears, and all at once he just can't do it

but yeah definitely a lot of room here for exploration and discovery to say the least dfjskfjsdf

[sasoxichomoshi]

are the pathless and abzu related? yes, and this connection is way more important than people give credit for (i will be rambling now)

visual cues are everywhere; the beheaded shark statue right at the start of the game, the purification process and the spirit realm architecture all nods to the previous game as the shells and the locked door at cerno's domain are literal imports from abzu, which are all sweet references present in the pathless

everything that concerns the spiritual realm has a touch of abzu (pantone abzu blue when)

i'd also add that i have autistic urges to just write about how the pathless feels like this result from accumulated knowledge/experience from past Nava games - the pathless has both the 'myth of creation' and the journey of the hero combined in order to tell this lil story with these silly characters (i see it all as if giant squid team woke up one day and said "what if we made like a fancy fanfic yknow" really best decision ever), however knowing myself it''d just feel like nonsense rambling (even worse than this) and a bit off topic, but i had to mention or my skin wouldn't stop itching

anyway back to the two games -

i have this recurring impression that abzu allegories and symbolism are woven in the fabric of reality in the pathless - it's not about them directly, but are foundational for whatever is being told here and now

you cannot, in full consciousness, tell me that these are just easter eggs in the pathless that giant squid introduced because it's a past title from the studio; not when there was giant effort in blending the two games sensibly - abzu is brought up in the symbolism, the color palette (red/blue), in the environment, and it's even present in the soundtrack

in short, tying the universe of the two games together was intentional

but despite visually tied, it still made no sense to me; ok we share the color palette, we wander around with the help of a tall one, we defeat the bad one, what else there's to it? is it just the start of the giant squid MCU? giant squid cinematic universe? or gaming universe? (i feel stupid)

regardless, as i answered the question to how, i wanted to understand why - and to make sense out of it all, i resorted to a feature unique to the pathless: written text

what is so important to tell the player that you need written text, something you were avoiding in all your past games but that suddenly you bring back out of nowhere to tell a story in a way you havent done before? i can just assume some topics were too necessary to just left it implied (at best), or never explained (at worst)

one of the reasons i have written this blog post until this point (the main reason, actually) is that i feel there's a bit of an overlook of an essential part in the established the pathless n abzu crossover (can i call it that?), something that permeates everything, but it's not really visible in a literal way

--

as i played the game, godslayer perspective and motives stood out - they are the focus of a good part of all the tablets and dead people's memories - and as i dived deeper into the abzu connections (pun not intended) certain lines got too remarkable:

so,,, godslayer deems this world broken because it's made out of pure chaos, ok i guess it makes sense uhhh wait wait im having flashbacks i have seen this befo-

uhh oooooohhh ok ok get it i can see some parallels ughhh woooow just wow omg

the underlying factor here is that chaos is origin, foundation for both games universes (tho we can all see that at this point it's the same universe)

in abzu, by ordaining chaos the diver brings back life; in the pathless the ordained chaos, the one that constitutes all life, is at risk because someone decided that having everything made out of (essentially) chaos wasnt really suitable for the second industrial revolution i guess

note: if you know nothing about abzu i recommend reading this post cause it explains a bit about what chaos means in abzu, hence it's relevant to the pathless too

and understanding the chaos that impregnates existence as a whole is central in the pathless, which brings us to another focal point the game brings up: religion

you see religion a big deal in the pathless in the sense that it defines factions; you pick a side, and it's what drives the line of action of almost everyone in the island - the pathfinder quest against the tall ones, the godslayer followers vs the tall ones followers, entire communities dedicated to their local gods, and so on

superficially, it's easier to go to the "bad vs good" route where godslayer must be defeated to keep the order and the light and tall ones good guys whatever, the problem of this line of thought is: too much black and white and no gray to be seen

the pathless final message speaks about decision making: you are free to trace your own path (and this message is reinforced through game design and the title and at the final boss fight, you can name it) however, here lies the detail: similar to the chaos surrounding us, it goes unnoticed that the will to take a determined path comes from within

that's why religion is a hot topic in the pathless, it's what allows people to trace a path in a chaotic world, literally

the myth of creation - the eagle mother, the branch, her children - in itself is a form of understanding reality, religion - prayers, sacrifices, lines of conduct, contemplation - is also a form of grasping the real, and from this understanding, this particular view of the world, you are invited to take action; you cultivate the land and you build temples dedicated to your god

you take action based in what you believe, and you can see it better in the dead followers you can commune with through the island, they are fierce in their beliefs, which leads them to make a stand or fight back

it also stands out how the tall ones are imbued with negative traits; nimue shifts moods like summer rain, kumo is terribly jealous and childish, sauro despite everything will resort to violence, cernos is too shy, heck even eagle mother as gentle as she is let atrocities took place before any meaningful action was considered

all the tall ones have their virtues and imperfections because in the end they are also made out of chaos, essentially they are not that different from any tree on the plateaus; but, as the tablets about the masks state, they see things beyond this realm, and with this knowledge they try to guide those that dont see it - it's like this for their followers, and hunter is also guided by them

godslayer is no different, he took a path lead by his beliefs, beliefs those that reject the idea of having life from chaos, which lead to his obsession of fixing what he deemed broken; from his perspective, he suffered in the hands of the tall ones and their followers which made him believe that anything of their nature was treacherous - he failed tho, failed to understand that a single path would lead to perpetual suffering (as some memories states, "i was not meant to bloodshed"), which was a fate his followers had bittersweetly tasted

in this scenario, hunter is special: she's an outsider, she doesn't comprehend her mission just yet neither knows those lands; she's facing chaos in its pure form and in order to make sense of her new reality, she takes the eagle mothers advices; upon taking on the trials of the island she witnessed chaos in its many forms, and she assimilates it, not good nor bad but a 'in between' - that's why (from my understanding), on purifying the godslayer final form, her eyes glow in bright blue not because she's some 'declared since birth' allied of the tall ones, but because it signals purpose, she understands the chaos, the one that causes life and death, and she embraces that view from within and translates it into strength to fight back and endure

there's not a single creature in this world that doesnt feel lost and be it whatever creature - human, tall ones, demons, animals, everyone is trying to make sense of this confusing world we live in, be it through any path at hand - and religion is just one of the possible ways in the sea of infinite available paths

as hunter explores deeper into the island, she bonds with the tall ones but make no mistake, she's not really a faithful follower - and she doesn't need to be - cause she has the understanding that the tall ones represent this organized chaos necessary to the flux of life, she respects them

pathfinder, unfairly treated, will look at the tall ones and see just lies, refusing their guidance, he will strive for a new path not taken before and ignore any previous knowledge about the world, he will build up a single vision for a brand new reality absent of chaos because that's how he was conditioned to see and absorb the world around him

(and that makes godslayer feels even more tragic, having the possibility of seeing the world through new lenses by wearing the mask of the ancients yet he persisted in his views and ignored the reality as it was - chaos neatly woven - perhaps out of hate and sorrow for all past injustices; even in the end he resisted to accept the world that nurtured him, as he too was made out of chaos - and for that he's forgiven)

you and i can both worship sauro, but in the end we will look at the surrounding chaos from different perspectives and i will decide that pottery is the way to go while you see the sword as the suitable option; as the truth stands, this is a pathless land - there's no defined answer

the pathless, beyond the 'pathless land' lesson, has something more to tell - that perhaps the path is already established and to you is given the choice of going forward that path or re-evaluate and change directions;

if i had to define the pathless i'd say it's about what touches the eye and where you rest you hand (which can also explains why the eye is an ever present image throughout the game); through perception you grasp the world around you, you create your views and based on it you take action - will you release the bow string? will you strike with your sword? will you cultivate the land? or will you shed blood? what have you seen that made you act like this?

what a chaotic world

anyway, i have too much to say and no one to listen so my only options are write Big Blog Post or bang my head against the wall if you read until here (complete madness) thanks for enduring until the end

(cant wait to see the pathless references in sword of the sea i have faith)

[thebossestunicycle]

finally obtaining the work ethic i wouldve had if i wasnt so miserable in grade school. im on top of my assignments (some are done days early!) and i’m not afraid to ask for help when i need it. i know how to give myself breaks. i’m stressed, but it’s a good kind of stress that’s more like a constant urge to learn as much as i possibly can. i’m starting to realize that maybe i wasn’t stupid and lazy back then. maybe i just wasnt in the right environment to learn correctly.

[prickly-pores]

mid2023

this app is such a time capsule for me. so many bad memories, so many good, so much growth has occured since i went on here daily for escape, inspiration, community, looking for meaning and solace. damn. my emotions are gratittude and pride rn. love to see it. 

life update wise time, this year, my little sister, newly18, moved in. I spent many weeks planning for, shopping for, and building her dream bedroom, full of bookshelves, fairylights, art, her first double bed, and even a window seat that I handmade using my growing tool collection, and i feel really good and warm about that. While i didn’t move out of home myself until i was sure she’d be safe, I was still worried for her. So its just good to be able to watch over her and keep guiding her through life n healing from the the scars of our childhood. I’m very grateful that my partner and I can provide her with a safe loving home environment to live out the rest of her teens. Especially given the housing and rental market these days. Having a the level of housing security we have is also just something i’ll truly never take for granted. 

I guess thats another thing I’m proud of this year. I’ve put so much blood, sweat and tears into making this house a home, I’ve taught myself so many skills from plumbing, tiling, plastering, carpentry, landscaping and how to use countless power tools. I’ve taken sledge hammers to walls, I’ve pulled up flooring and replaced it, I’ve trimmed out doors, I’ve hung doors, I’ve built cabinets and cabinet doors even benchtops from scratch, I’ve built so many bookshelves and painted so many walls, I’ve reupholstered, I’ve made and hung curtains, I’ve just taught myself so many skills and shown so much determination and pluck in the face of adveristy. I’ve pulled mutiple 80hr work weeks to finish projects I thought would be a simple weekend job. I’ve truly put my heart into this house and I am just so impressed with myself. True, I look around me now and see 101 unfinished projects, but I’ve progressed things so far, and for the first time ever in my life i’ve let myself really see my adhd as something to work with not against and the results have been astounding.... 

Relationship wise. no doubt about it. i am in deep. I used to think that deep love like this wasnt real or sustainable. or that it meant a type of unhealthy enmeshment. but i think ive realised, as scary as it is, u do just gotta be vulnerable, you’ve got to let them guards down to let someone in, to let yourself be cared for, to care for another, and i’ve never felt love like this before. every year that passes i feel closer to him than ever before. i dont believe in one off soul mates, yet our connection does feel like whatever people are getting at when they use that word. wild times. 

Overall checkin wise, I’m starting to feel more like my old self, or should i say my young self, that young girl who used to be full of energy, love and cheek. And that’s something I never would’ve imagined was possible. It really does get better... when you put the work in and find good people to surround yourself with, when u work thru your trauma with a therapist, when u have a partner whos willing to learn and grow with you, who serves as a corrective experience, as a model of secure attachment, age old wounds can begin to heal... 

anyway, its nippy outside rn and i just feel the biggest urge to go for a walk in a wide open field, climb to the peak, and yell into the wind. so imma go do that. 

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se3, ep11 (part 1)

Breaking toxic bonds & accepting healthy ones isn’t a miracle. A bond that started with love could end up chained & toxic, another that started wrong could’ve become the joy of a life time. You can do it. Break the cycle of abuse & stand up for yourself, it is easy yet so difficult, you aren’t alone, tho, loved ones stand nearby cheering. Be kind on yourself, otherwise you’ll throw your life away. Life isn’t just happiness & joy, it’s also sadness & loneliness. Break free from the shackles that held you down. Embrace life & Live.

-Tohru’s “ I’m okay” mask is finally shattered! (the Importance of kyo’s rejection for her development):

This is the last part of tohru’s character development! The last few eps were abt her role in Akito’s redemption & their similarities. she staood up for herself & choose a path away from her mom while keeping her mom’s memory in a healthy manner. No more planning my life according to mom’s wishes, no more talking to mom ‘s picture 24/7. Now, I’ll plan my life & move forward even if it is with the guy mom said she cant forgive. even If it is without him, I’ll move forward. I love him so much, yet I won’t force our bond & let go. So easy yet so difficult!. tohru doesnt know anything abt kyo after her fall. All she remembers is his heart-broken face as he wept beside her. Those tears on his face, she caused them. He cried cuz it is too painful to see her hurt. She was a burden to him! tohru restored to her old coping mechanism of pretending “ i’m Okay” & smiling. She did so numerous times before. Always worked. No one noticed. Except him. Se02, ep7. he urged her to show her true fears. Now, she’s faced with a pain so big she can’t pretend no more. the pain of loosing him. She cried in front of yuki! The smile & chatting abt chores couldn’t conceal the running tears! Yuki’s first time seeing her like that. Se01, ep14, yuki wondered how could tohru smile after her mom’s death. She can’t pretend no more! She’ll have to wear her feelings on her sleeve! cuz it IS ok to do so! She tells kyo to give her a moment to compose herself. She couldn’t lie & pretend like she did with yuki. Here she either run away or just try to compose myself! I LOVE THAT! This way, whenever kyo/tohru fight or have any misunderstanding in the future as a couple, you’ll know tohru won’t just bear it & pretend, “ i;m okay” No! she’ll talk to kyo & express herself! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It gives her so much strength as a human & I’m happy all the obstacles & set backs in kyo/tohru’s romantic journey has led them to be better ppl little by little to build healthier & more realistic love! 

-The mechanics of writing a compelling slow-burn romance:

1. Igniting the romantic feelings slowly: Slow burns don’t work with love at 1st sight. It must first sparkle naturally, slowly & subtly. Both kyo & tohru repeatedly stated they don’t know exactly when they first fell in love. The author’s decision to create an environment where the two live together is a genius way to start & nurture their romance quietly & subtly. Kyo was tricked to stay in shigure’s house while tohru had to stay cuz she had no home, Natural reasons that force the two to spend days together & get to know each other gradually.

2. Dynamics of their personalities: For slow burns to work, the two characters need to be similar yet opposites! Kyo & tohru are both kind, endearing, innocent, good at chores, independent & hardworking. They both have history with their mothers that is filled with love yet traumas. However, tohru is calm yet prefer maneuvering around subjects, can’t stand up for herself, reads ppl easily, tends to trust ppl easily & disregard herself. Kyo is fierce, strong, tends to distrust ppl, despite ppl loving his spontaneous character, he has hard time figuring out if they’re mocking him or teasing him, very straightforward with his words & actions. The similarities helps them understand each other, however, the differences creates chances to clash & come even closer thro various situation. Ex, se01, ep2, kyo apologizing for hitting her head with the table which created the situation where she needed to confess she always loved the cat zodiac! It is HER gush of emotions that struck kyo. ppl really want my friendship? the cat is loved? Thro those difference they learned to better themselves so they won’t hurt the other, kyo toning down his anger for her, tohru desiring to know him even more as he becomes even more awkward.

3. Creating natural, realistic  & convincing obstacles that prevents them from being together:  This is the most important part! Slow-burn is two characters in love & cant be together despite everyone wanting them to be! if the reason that stops them from uniting is trivial, stupid, one-sided, can easily be solved, then the slow-burn would be a fillery & no one would cheer for it! Takaya-san is a genius!

Kyo can’t be with tohru cuz he thinks (a) he killed her mom! we saw thr flashback, he could’ve saved her & couldn’t save her. It was a split of a second difference & he hates himsef for NOT trying! that split of a second also prevented from thinking of better ways to save her than holding her! it happened to fast, he couldn't think of a better alternative cuz this was his 2nd time loosing someone (b) his mom’s sucide being pinned as his fault created this immense guilt & defeated feeling that “ no matter what, I just cause death & misery! There’s (c) too!, he knew tohru! thinks she deserves the world & cuz he didnt save her mom, he watched tohru talk to a freaking picture for two years! heck! he is the only one who can see thro tohru’s “ i;m okay” mask, so in se01, ep 14 in the grave yard! kyo wasnt the only one who is sad! tohru was too! & kyo could tell! (d) her mom’s death is the reason tohru is accepting shigure’s offer to stay with them rent-free in exchange of doing housework! (e)? he saw her confess crying her heart out abt missing her mom so much that she imitated her dad! so tragicly sad! (f) he saw her die in his nightmare!! how can he accept her love,now? Perfectly orchestrated obstacles! 

Tohru, unfortunately, in the anime it wasn't that clear due to shortening her backstories & trauma in se03, ep6. But she too couldn’t see herself confessing love to kyo. Tohru is has low self-esteem, always thinks she’s a burden to others, an orphan who just wants her mom, so scared, lonely & sad! we the audience believed the mask! we saw her work her motherly charm yuki, isusuz, kisa & believe her issues are not that deep.  tohru wont cry for herself but shed rivers for others! grief is so ugly it broke her! I cant let go of mom, must keep her always in my heart, such a hard emotions to write & I believe 100% the director couldn’t understand her grief & decided to split ep6 between her, kyo, isuzu & shigure. But Tohru struggling to confess to kyo is no laughing matter. ppl who are grieving find it the hardest to live after the loved ones die. they wont mostly commit suicide, they are alive, but they arent living. they just go thro the motions & live for the sake of those around them but not themselves. Tohru deciding to confess to kyo is her deciding to live for herself.

4. Writing a perfect psychologically & emotionally packed climax: I dont need to explain how perfect kyo’s rejection of tohru in se03 ep9 was. How much we felt for him yet were mad at him. He we were “ ugh! kyo no!!!! I mean I get why you do that , but you idiot no! come back! poor kyo! He was just so sad & broken! OMG he’ll kill himself after finding tohru’s injured body!! he totally would! his nightmare came true! But Tohru reached him! she wanted him to be okay! he wont kill himself but still feels hella guilty! but so utterly in love with her that his instinct upon seeing her come to life after near death is kiss her! Perfect display of psychology & emotions! filled with right, wrong, sad, happy, guilty, innocent! basically so human~ As the audience you MUST have this mixture of feelings of wanting to hug him so bad cuz this boy has been killing himself for years now yet want him to stop & just see that he was a good boy afterall. Tohru is THE best girl & if the audience are cheering for kyo to be with her, kyo really deserves her! The only problem is for kyo to see that now.

5. The Perfect wrap up of all romance: If you make your audience suffer the slow-burn this long, you gotta reward them good! & Takaya-san delivered! Just like how the entire romantic story is realistic, the reunion must be as realistic too! Tohru is hurt by kyo;s words. Facts remain his words were hurtful to her. I love that was addressed! tohru gets to tell her side, too! If you love someone, you are bound to be hurt by them as much as be happy with them. Simply cuz they matter so much to you! you arent one person, but two ppl coming together. Kyo must work hard for this confession. Must run & chase her. Must earn her proper! He gets on his knees, I cant express how important that is! he is way taller than her, Imagine apologizing while she looks way up & he looks down? He gets on his knees & apologize like a man, for every mistake, all while not loathing himself. He aint going back to that deep abyss again. He did wrong by her & he is owning up to his mistakes. Give me one chance. I’m not gonna force you with persistence or guilt you into taking me. Give me ONE chance cuz i deserve it & no more. The choice is yours. She asks to confirm, he shows her, they kiss, they hug, they are rewarded with a blessing from the heavens! One of the most simple yet emotionally fulfilling confessions in anime!

- Hugs over kisses: (And her kiss hugs her & the curse was lifted):

Prince charming kisses the princess & she wakes up~ they live ever after~ except furuba is all abt “ eternal ever after is not true, real life is where the real love is”

Kyo kissed tohru once, she didnt wake up, she didnt even think he loved her back. didnt even remember the kiss.

Kyo hugged tohru once. se01, e024, He initiated it, tohru was all in tears, surprised, happy & so utterly in love. he called her name for the first time ever, for a brief moment, they both connected, they both comforted each other. The rain stopped, he became a man not a monster, she got him back. She got her kyo that she fought for with none other than kyo himself.

kyo hugged her again, se03, ep6. They both initiated it. He made the first move, pulling her just a little closer, she made the second move & hugged him hard, he transformed, it was a moment were they both connected, both so sad & broken, both feeling needy for the other, both desperate for the other, both just living the moment. the result is them coming closer, her wanting him more, him realizing her love, there is no escape. Admit it. she loves you. You can tell.

Kyo hugs her again today. He asks permission. No spur of the moment feeling. But a long lasting permission to be together. To hug. He wants to hear her acceptance of his cursed body. “ is ok to hug you? this body will cause you pain as it wont be able to fulfill your wishes of constant hugs & intimacy”. She responds, permission granted, for love, for hugs, for a life long acceptance of you as a whole. weakness & strength, sadness & happiness. I accept you all in better & worse! we’re invincible. Why? cuz we understand love isnt magic. It is a path for us to walk together~~~ reward curse break!

Every time kyoru are closer it is a hug. The one thing the zodiacs cant do. A hug. They can kiss. But cant hug. comes this Zodiac Ruler girl so lonely, away from ppl, so sad, meets a cat boy who comes to the house she’s living in, a house away from ppl, the boy is drawn to the girl, However, when the boy needed to leave, the girl was able to let go despite loving him, the boy comes again, this time wanting to stay, the girl accepts the boy. They both accept the realistic reality of life. Embrace the obstacles & the achievements, celebrates the weakness above the strength. Both so imperfect. Both so endearingly dumb! that’s why the girl’s hug broke the boy’s curse. The girl’s acceptance of the cat broke all curses.

Side Note:

Kyo’s confession is so kyo! so straightforward, so direct, & so physical. He’s on his knees, holding her hands, looking at her eyes. “ i want to be WITH you. If I’m gona live, I want to to do it with you & no one else! cuz I love you” that’s it. That’s all.  So sincere & so romantic!

it is crazy how different tohru & kyo are now after the confession! she stood confidently & happily & said “dont you know, I love you!” all while teasing him, her giggle is so girlish & cute! my girl is a happy woman in love! long buried the angelic mother image of se02! YES! also, kyo’s happy face is love! Dude! when was the last time he smiled so freely? Did he ever do that? He smiled in se01, ep4 with kazmua, but not like this! T_T. my son is healing~

Kyo’s “ i wont ever feel afraid if you’re with me” is a huge growth from his “ I want to protect her” mindset. Now he realizes it is two-sided mutual desire. She gives him strength as much as he does! <3

I dont like open eye while kissing, but here it is so perfect for tohru in this moment! cuz she spent days thinking kyo rejected her & even ran away as soon as she saw him, now he’s not only confessing, apologizing, admitting she is his life, but also kissing her signaling they’re romantic couple. kissing on lips is so personal, what more evidence she needs? still, her thoughts? “ it’s like a dream?” aww~~~ tohru~~~ my precious girl! she just cant believe all her suffering is over, now? She was just practicing “ i’m okay” smile & now she’s an official girlfriend to the man of her dreams? He just bent da kneeee~ go for it queen!

yuki’s face when tohru cried is exactly what I meant of “ allowing yuki to have strong facial expressions”! XD these types of faces humanize yuki so much into the teenage boy he is! Unfortunately the anime team only sees him as the pretty prince in most times. That’s why fave yuki is when he’s with kakeru. He becomes so un-princly as he should be.

Speaking of yuki, I see you anime team~ postponing his moment into next ep so him & machi wont be overshadowed by the long awaited kyoru!! While this defies the perfection of all cursed zodiacs breaking on the same ep making akito’s breakdown less perfect & poetic, I take it as the anime team admitting they underdeveloped yuchi & decided let’s give them more screen time & not putting them in close distance from any couple. A week later ep is enough with lots of time. I dont mind at all, I’m just saying more time after/while confession is not what i was hoping for~~ sigh~ At least I hope yuki would say sth along the lines” all this time I was looking at you, i realized i love you” to imply he was thinking of her as a lover not his kindness for someone he helped. I just dont want their love to be sudden simply cuz yuki needs happy ending. oh well~ I’m sure whatever it will be, the anime will give it utmost attention.

That sad moment when kagura wasnt allowed a moving image. lol. girl was given a still image that didnt even move with the breeze! T_T

Not gonna lie... the scene with kazuma & kyo was underwhelming. Why the wide shot? I mean you dont need budget for that. Just give me a closeup from the waist up with kyo head buried in kazuma’s chest. Dont need to waste budget on kazuma’s face, either.... do the old trick of hair covering eyes & show me glittery tears~  why the awkward shot of kazma towering in his own house! how tall is this man & why cant he he fix his roof?...lol

Also, shigure, you got scars man... who can hurt shigure? akito? gotta be her. I dont think hatori scratches...lol.. Aya? nah~ too busy with Mine! yup, akito... another steamy night? could be, she’s changed as he wish now. But scratching a face is weird while..um..kissing? a quarrel? but why? I bet she wants him now & we know he wants her....

More on part 2! especially abt the curse’s lore~

[despairofthefuture]

She may be looking for Sonia Nevermind, the Ultimate Princess, or Gundham Tanaka, the Ultimate Breeder. They're both into dark occult stuff. They're also in the same class as Chiaki and Ryota. I think they're pretty close friends, so if you find one you'll probably find the other not far off.

"Princess!?" Hiro repeats, his eyes widening. "There's a princess at this school!?"

"As amazingly cool as that is-" Leon says, trying to bring them back on topic. "-this Gundham dude....Why would a...breeder know about occult bullshit?"

"The same reason a princess would?" Hiro mutters under his breath.

Chihiro furrows his brow in thought, the small boy looking very worried. "W-well, Mukuro did say it had nothing to do with his talent." He reminds them. "So perhaps it's a hobby of his?"

"Well, regardless, this is all we have to go on, and you guys havent been wrong yet!" Leon says determinedly, flashing the spirits a grin. "Since Mukuro specifically said 'he', we should check up on this Gundham weirdo first. So hurry the hell up, Hiro! Look up this Gundham guy!"

The clairvoyant nods and does as he was told, looking up a picture of Gundham Tanaka. When he finds one he stares at it in surprise. "This...this guy works with animals?" He asks, stunned.

Leon looks over his friend's shoulder and raises a brow. "Damn. Yeah, he looks more like an Ultimate Clairvoyant than you do! He obviously seems to be embracing the occult for a start!"

This earns the ghost a glare, but Hiro quickly shakes his head and returns his phone to his pocket. "Well, whatever. We know what he looks like, so let's go to his dorm."

As he begins making his way there, Chihiro frowns. "You know, the fact that Mukuro knows about this Gundham means she and Junko must have been studying him, or at the very least his class." He points out. "Which would make sense considering how much of her plan revolves around 77-B." His face saddens. "Poor guys. It's bad enough Junko put us, her classmates and friends through something like a killing game, but to basically torture a whole other class?"

"Its sick." Leon agrees, his eyes narrowed angrily. "She's sick."

Hiro simply nods in response, a frown on his face as he walks. Suddenly, he freezes in place. "Wait, what about Hajime?!" He asks. "I was supposed to meet up with him and-"

"That can wait a minute!" Leon interrupts him. "If we dont hurry and stop Mukuro, who the hell knows what could happen!"

Hiro nods in understanding, breaking out into a sprint towards the dorms, causing a brown haired boy in a Reserve Course uniform to look up and give him an annoyed look as he passed.

~~~

Hiro was thankfully able to find Gundham's room with relative ease. As he stands in front of the Ultimate Breeder's door, he hesitates.

"Dude, what's the hold up?" Leon asks impatiently.

Hiro frowns and begins picking at his skin. "Its just...the energy surrounding this room...its...really heavy and...dark..." He mutters.

Leon groans and rolls his eyes. "Oh for the love of-Hurry the hell up!" He snaps.

Hiro sighs and nods, reaching a hand up and knocking on the door.

A quiet exchange of voices could be heard along with some shuffling until the door is opened.

"Who dares disturb the Overlord of-"

The boy behind the door stops when he sees Hiro. The two lock eyes, and a wave of energy courses through the clairvoyant.

The extravagantly dressed man before Hiro stares at him for a moment more before he smirks. "Heh. I had thought the dark lady and myself were the only ones dabbling in the forbidden arts, but I can sense they run through your veins as well."

Hiro blinks in surprise at the guy's strange speech patterns. "Uh...i-if by 'forbidden arts' you mean fortune telling, then yeah!" Hiro finally responds, forcing a smile onto his face. "My names Yasuhiro Hagakure. I'm the Ultimate Clairvoyant!"

The other man lets out an impressed hum. "Clairvoncy, hm? Then have your visions sent you to my side for the aid of my dark powers?!" He suddenly poses in a strange way, and Hiro blinks in confusion.

"Uh...y-yeah. More or less. Youre... Gundham Tanaka, right?" He asks, scratching his head as he begins to regret coming here.

Gundham's smirk widens as he nods. "My reputation of course precedes me. Indeed, that is my name! GUNDHAM TANAKA!" The...eccentric fellow bellows out his name, cause Chihiro to flinch slightly.

Leon rolls his eyes. "Dear Lord this guy is gonna be annoying." He mutters.

Hiro gives a subtle nod in agreement before forcing the smile onto his face again. "Well, great! Do you, uh, mind if I come in, Gundham?'

Gundham shakes his head and steps to the side. "But of course not! A fellow user of the dark arts is always welcome in my abode!" He declares. "Although my Third Eye has failed me, for I did not forsee your visit." The breeder suddenly blushes, catching Hiro even more off guard as the man attempts to hide the flush by raising his scarf over his face. "I currently have...company over. The dark princess, Sonia Nevermind. But do not fear! I am training her to be my apprentice, so you need not hold your tongue with anything you must tell me!" He declares with finality as he turns with a flourish and walks into his room.

Hiro stands still for a moment longer, sharing an unsure look with Leon and Chihiro, before following the breeder into his room and closing the door behind him.

The dark atmosphere Hiro had felt from outside the door was tripled the moment he took a step inside, and he shivered. Gundham's room was dark, light blotting curtains hung at the windows that allowed the only light inside the room to be the many lit candles that were scattered around. There was a bookcase against one of the walls, and on it several heavy looking leather cased books.

"Well I guess we found the right guy." Leon mutters.

Hiro nods in agreement as he continues scanning the environment. His gaze stops at something that seemed out of place. A brightly colored hamster cage where four happy looking hamster were currently rested inside.

"Well, he is the Ultimate Breeder." Hiro thinks to himself. "I guess it would be more weird if there wasnt anything animal related here."

"Oh, Gundham! You have company!" A sweet, feminine voice speaks up, causing Yasuhiro to turn his head in its direction. He couldnt help but stare. There was a beautiful blonde girl, sat upon Gundham's bed.

"Indeed I do, dark mistress." Gundham confirms, coming to a stop in front of the hamster cage. He opens the lid and places some treats inside, the four critters skittering over to them and eating them hungrily. "He says his name is Yasuhiro." A grin spreads on his face as he turns from his four pets. "He is also a user of the arts."

The girl, who Hiro assumes to be Sonia Nevermind, gasps and clasps her hands together excitedly. "Really?!" She exclaims happily. "There is another one at the school?!"

"It indeed seems that way, Sonia." The breeder confirms, his gaze going to Hiro. "He says he is a clairvoyant, and that he received a vision that called him to me."

Sonia gasps and looks to Hiro as well. "Is that so? Then please! I insist you inform us of the details of your vision at once!"

For some reason Hiro felt extremely compelled to bow towards the upperclasswoman and the need to hurry with the explanation. He blinks and clears his throat, attempting to calm his nerves. "R-right. Well, it's a long...and, well, pretty unbelievable story if I'm being honest." He sighs before continuing. "But I swear to you, Buddha, Gandhi, Mother Earth or whatever deity you believe in its true.

It started when my classmate Junko Enoshima came to me, asking me to read her future...."

~~~

"...and then Mukuro mentioned someone else with knowledge of...occult stuff." Hiro finishes explaining, holding back the urge to explain his distaste for the occult. "And the spirits mentioned it could be one of you two." He looks between Sonia and Gundham, both of which look extremely surprised. "And since Mukuro said 'he' we went to your room first." He chuckles and rubs the back of his neck. "So...yeah. We wanted to make sure Mukuro's ghost...future ghost...didnt come here and find something she could use."

Gundham stares at the clairvoyant for a while, seemingly at a loss for words. Finally he clears his throat. "Well...that certainly is...quite the ordeal." The breeder recovers quickly, a grin forming on his face as he poses. "However you are in luck! I am quite skilled in this department, and while I cannot see your apparitions-" He walks over to his bookshelf and shifts through the many books before letting out a soft 'ah ha!' and pulling out a rather large one. He flips through it before placing his finger on a page. He then begins muttering something, which causes Hiro to frown and shift uncomfortably.

Gundham's eyes close, and a soft wind suddenly blows through the room, despite there being no open window. When he opens his eyes, he meets Hiro's eyes. They then shift over to Leon and Chihiro, his grin turning to a smirk.

"Ah ha! Hello there, fiends!" He looks over to see the shimmering outlines of the unknown spirits. "And to you as well."

Hiro's eyes widen in surprise. "You...you can see them?!"

"Of course!" Gundham boasts, slamming the book shut with one hand. "Did you believe these tombs were for show?!"

Hiro holds his tongue.

"Now I can be of more help to you and your miss-" He stops, his gaze slowly moving over to his bookshelf. He narrows his eyes. "....I assume this is the fiendish ghoul you mentioned."

Hiro blinks before following his gaze. His eyes widen further. There, looking through the books, was Mukuro's ghost.

Gundham Tanaka can now hear you! He is open for questions!

A/N: I hope things arent getting too crazy lol. I promise everything has a purpose! Supernatural stuff is canon in Danganronpa, and its especially important in this AU, so please bare with me lmao

[bushelofmuses]

Reluctant Realization Starters

@the-champions-of-the-just asked: “This alliance is temporary and on record, I will hate every second of it.” - O @ Cole

If Cole didn't need to be here, he'd have bolted much sooner than this. As it was, he was stuck with his sometimes-friend-but-usually-enemy in an environment he was NOT pleased about. Literally stuck.

Whoever cursed Lucius had a twisted sense of humor because Cole was sure it was them that did this to him and O. He glanced at the thin, golden chain around his wrist, then at the one on O's. They could be confused for bracelets, but Cole could see the invisible magic that bound them together until they found a way out of this. Twisting and curling, like braids of golden steal that linked the two bracelets. He doubted anyone but them or other spirits and demons could see it, but that didn't matter. He couldn't remember the distance they could put between themselves before the link had no slack left to give. Ten feet maybe?

However, they thought the one responsable might be here. If not here, Cole would suggest asking an enchanter about the bands to see if the curse could be undone.

Which meant Cole was stuck here, feeling like a mouse tossed into a pit of vipers. Half of the people around them were enemies of the Inquisition, quiet supporters of anyone who'd bring about its failure. What that meant for him was: Danger. Fuck. Run.

His saving grace was probably his newer attire and the lack of his large-brimmed hat. For once, his pale, golden hair was neatly brushed and shined, and the front was pulled up and back to keep it out of his face while the sides and back hung loosely to a little passed his shoulders. Cole had grown it out a little, enjoying the extra layer of privacy when his hat couldn't cover all of him.

Also being dubbed as the Lord Seeker's newly created position of Draper was certainly ironic, given Cole's abysmal sense of fashion. It was that or Almoner and while Cole knew he'd be able to more aptly fill that type of roll with his skills and knowledge, playing the part of someone within the Chantry that was previously never heard of before would weaken any excuse for why no one knew about him. However, Lord Seeker Corin's Draper never leaving his side was odd.

One dip into someone's mind and Cole had to fight a grimace. I wonder if the boy could be swayed to work for me instead. Wasted on a soldier.

So, his hair was neat and tidy, and for the first time, Cole was forced to wear something new and nicer, though he thought it gaudy. Perhaps in a softer gray or brown, he'd be comfortable in it, but a sickly gold was not his color...and too noticable.

The stares were getting to him.

And this damnable man hadn't stopped complaining since they woke up to find they were trapped together. Cole thought himself a patient and forgiving person, someone who had control over his anger and irritation but geez, he had his limits.

"You're not the only one miserable," he mumbled, faking a smile when one of the other guests of this dinner smiled at him. Cole let it fall, only to try to keep his expression blank. He slowly returned his gaze to O.

'But I'm the only one that matters' Cole mockingly mimicked in his head. Geez, he knew the man's voice well enough that he knew damn well how smug his snarky comments would sound.

"Hot and hateful, hollow words and hungry smiles to hide and hold back their violence." He shuddered and fought the urge to hide his face or, worse, duck behind O to hide himself from everyone. "They're your people, your monsters..."

What he wasnt saying was: I'm terrified of being found out, even if the chances are slim to none.

"Do you know what face to look for?"

[shhhhyoursister]

do you have anymore autistic!matteo hcs? or other headcanons in general? I just love your ideas

let me see if i can think of some rn!!!! am i projecting?? perhaps!!!

***

- when matteo got his first pair of noise cancelling headphones, he was almost a bit scared to try them out. he didnt have the money to get an expensive par and he had read the reviews and picked the best ones he could afford, and he knew that they werent going to be perfect. he tried them on the first time when he was alone in his room, and he put on his go-to calming song (just happened to be take me to church) and slid them over his ears, pressing the button to turn on the noise cancelling feature. he walked out of his room, past the kitchen where hans and vicki were loudly talking, but the sounds were muffled, and went away completely when he raised the volume up. he spent the next week walking around with them on his head, sometimes with his hands pressing them tighter onto his ears, a smile on his face and his eyes closed as he paced around the room. david would sit and watch him from wherever he decided to settle, happy to see matteo so content

- he had bad days, obviously. days where no matter who was talking to him or what they were saying, he needed them gone, even if it was david. the first time it happened matteo felt so guilty over needing to be alone, too overstimulated with david even just being in the same room as him, but too overwhelmed to say anything about it, and he could tell that he was either going to completely shut down or explode. he didnt want to explode. but it kept building, even though david wasnt saying anything or doing anything besides drawing silently at matteo’s desk because he could tell something was off, and it kept building and building until matteo felt like he was filled to the top with lava that was threatening to pour out of his mouth, his stomach actually jolting with the need to get something out to let david know that matteo needed to be alone, now, right now right now or he was going to scream. his entire body curled in on itself and he buried his head in his knees, not even realizing that he was letting out quiet whimpers with each exhale until david asked him if he was okay. matteo shook his head so fast it hurts his neck, the usually calming sound of david’s voice like sandpaper in his ears. david asked him what he needed, started listing things when he realized matteo couldnt say it himself, and got up and left once he finally settled on “do you need to be alone?” and watched matteo nod his head in tiny jerks. the second he was alone matteo relaxed just enough to realize that he had basically just kicked his boyfriend out, and texted him the word “sorry” at least ten times before pulling his headphones on and squeezing a pillow tight to his chest, panicking for a completely different reason, knowing that he wasn’t going to be able to move for a while. david hugged him the next day and called him stupid for feeling bad about it.

- one day david showed him a website he found that had a bunch of different fidget and stim toys, and matteo spent a while getting lost in all the options as he opened the products in new tab after new tab. each had a detailed description and a video showing how it worked, and he got caught up watching something that was long and black that slid through the person’s fingers, a string of a bunch of interconnecting little joints that could also be snapped apart and put back together, and after watching  matteo watch the video three times over david grabbed the laptop from him. matteo protested but david handed it back quickly, showing an order confirmation screen. matteo tried to argue but david just grinned, said it was already ordered and there was nothing he could do about it. matteo just glared before tackling him in a hug. it came a couple of days later and matteo was grinning as he took it out of the packaging. he slid it around his fingers, grabbed it in one hand and wrapped it around his fingers and stretched them out so he could feel the plastic press into his skin, grabbed it in the middle and pulled until it snapped apart and then put the pieces back together. he lifted it right next to his ear and squeezed his hand around it, smiling and wiggling a bit at the weird crunching sound that came from it. he took a selfie like that, with it held close to his face, a big grin on his face, and sent it to david with a bunch of thank you’s and hearts. 

- matteo was still shocked anytime he realized that david really, actually listened to him whenever he was rambling. he knew that his tendency to infodump annoyed most people, even if theyd pretend to be listening, and he had learned over the years what that looked like, and got good at knowing when people were bored. didnt always mean he could stop, and then he would get overwhelmed with knowing that the other person was annoyed, but still needing to get the words out of his body, because people didnt understand that it wasnt just him rambling, there was a physical side to it as well, it wasnt him just trying to fill the silence, he knew that he physically needed to get the words out of his brain, but to most people that didnt seem to make sense. he had learned to be quieter over the years. until david came, and there was somebody there who not only let him go off, but cared about what he was saying. david would sit on the bed, cross-legged, as matteo paced around the room talking about memes, or the environment, or cooking, and when matteo would say something like “and you know when you crush garlic, it releases this chemical called allicin thats really good for you” david would respond, would actually respond and say “oh yeah i see you do that every time you cook”, and it was so simple but it always filled matteo with so much love and so much of that good buzzy feeling he got throughout his whole body when he was able to satisfy whatever urge his body and brain had, when he was encouraged to

[mental-health-advice]

Submission about addicted parents

1/? Im the second kid of addicted to practically everything parents. My mom abandoned me when i was younger. She says she didnt and that my dad threw her out and my dad says the police threw her out for hitting my older brother. She blames my dad for not being around when i was younger and my dad says she was welcome anytime. The only time i saw her in my childhood was when i was brutally raped at 7 by one of my dads 

2/? Friends and she wasnt even there for the first two days i was the hospital. In the 4th grade my dad went to jail for doing cocaine and i was sent to live with her. She dropped me off everywhere she could. One time i was sick for a month and she never showed. She got a house and had me move in with her but consistently locked me out and after a while i just started staying a house down the road. We moved and i started avoiding the house all the time. She was gone everyday and i had to learn 

(3/?) how to care for myself. I had lice and was bullied at school for a while. My dad got out of jail and i moved in with him bc i thought it would be better. It was for a while but it went downhill. My brother gets everything he wants and gets to do nothing while im expected to do all the chores and keep straight a’s. He told me that since im 15 im supposed to care for myself and now refuses to buy me anything i need like soap and pads. He gets angry a lot and is now abusing drugs to the point 

(4/?) where hes destroying his brain. I injured my knee and i can barely walk on it but he hasnt bothered to take me to the doctors. He slapped my hand yesterday. I annoyed him so it’s not that bad though. My mom keeps trying to get in contact with me but every time i let her She ignores my opinions and puts me down. I tried to tell her how she makes me feel and she told me to stop because she didnt care what i had to say but it was annoying her. I dont think my parents are abusive, theyve just 

(5/?) bad luck but i have no clue what to do. I dont want to go back to foster care bc i now have little siblings to watch after (ive practically raised both from 5th). Please help. I have severe anxiety and i self harm and i just cant do it anymore 

Hey lovely,

I’m really sorry to hear about all of the hardships that you’ve gone through in your life already. I am giving you so many virtual hugs right now. Know that we care a lot about you and truly hope for you to get to a much better place and for you to be treated much better, as you deserve <3 

Maybe your parents have had bad luck. Fighting addiction is tough. But that doesn’t mean that their behaviour towards you isn’t abusive. In fact, it really does sound like abuse to me, or at the very least neglect. You really shouldn’t have to deal with this all by yourself though. It can be so overwhelming to think of a solution and that’s not a burden for you alone to carry. Is there anyone that you could reach out to? Perhaps at school? If you’re worried they will take action that you don’t necessarily agree with, you could see if it’s possible to phrase it more into a hypothetical story; ‘a friend of mine is in this situation’ or something like that. If you have someone by your side, you can look into the possibilities of getting out or your household together with your little siblings and finding a new home together.

I don’t know where you live and therefore I don’t know what the laws / rules are for these kind of situations. I do know that it sometimes it’s possible to become emancipated at a younger age than 18. There will be certain conditions to meet and it might not be possible at age 15, but it might be good to look into the conditions already so that you can work towards being able to become emancipated as soon as possible. 

Since it’s hard for us to give more specific advice regarding the situation you’re in, I hope I can still offer some tools that can help you deal with all. When it comes to self-harm, if you want to stop you first need to feel the motivation to do so. We have a page with reasons not to harm. I would strongly recommend you to make a list with your own personal reasons. Then when the urges to harm yourself become strong, you can look at the list and find the motivation to keep fighting against the urges. Alternatives can help in this fight. You pick a different alternative based on the underlying reason of the urge. For example, sometimes you might want to feel the pain, in which case a good alternative could be to let an ice cube melt against your skin. If alternatives don’t seem to do the trick, there also always are distractions. I would use these most often. My urges would get highest in the evening, and I’d continue to distract myself until I felt my eyes closing and I was so tired that upon putting the distraction away I’d fall asleep almost immediately. 

We also have an anxiety page series that gives a lot of information and tips on anxiety and how to deal with it. You might also want to have a look at our mindfulness page, to see if that’s a technique you’d like to learn. There are lots of mindfulness apps. 

I realise this might not be an option for you, but I do hope you can see a mental health professional for your struggles very soon. Even if the situation can’t be changed yet (which of course I hope is possible), they can still help you find healthier coping tools. And I really do hope you can look into getting out of this situation with your siblings as soon as possible. This is not a good environment for any of you and you deserve so and so much better.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[plxgue]

FROM THE FOREST

Drip, Drip, drip.

The shadows of the night gave away to the rays of the morning sun, the light shining just a little onto the purple grass of the tangled wood.

The smell of dew was heavy in the air, a rain had just fallen, a force of nature brought by both Windsinger and Tidelord.

Drip, Drip, Drip.

In a small clearing, a purple mirror laid. Black okapi markings covered her legs and such, and she scrunched up her nose.

Drip, Drip, Drip.

The flicked the water off as best as she could as she sat up with a start. She gave a soft sneer, shaking her head again before bringing up a claw to try and dry it off.

She didn't want to freeze. Winter was rolling in from The Southern Icefields and she didn't want to turn into a dragonsicle.

She pushed herself up, a glowing yellow orb shifting from under her wing. She blinked tiredness out of her eyes and gave a stretch, her purple eyes looking around.

She shyed away this time, from the water dripping from the leaf, and looked to the side. The fins on her head twitched, and she stretched again.

Her claws made marks in the ground, tail stretching out. She shifted her wings to catch the sunlight on the darker parts- hoping to soak in enough sunlight to keep them warm. She had heard stories of dragons losing their ability to fly through their wings freezing- she didn't want that to happen to herself.

From behind, a small glowing orb nudged her back leg, and she pulled it away. She looked back, and then gave a sigh. "I suppose you are right. We should get going before the brambles get us." She said.

Even as a hatchling born and raised in the tangled wood, she still hated those brambles. It seemed they hated her aswell, catching her whenever they had their chance.

The yellow orb simply floated up to beside her, and she simply nudged it back.

Banshee looked out over the red sands of the Scarred Wasteland. Just like the stories of lost flight, the Scarred Wasteland had it's own stories and legends.

Her parents had always told her to not wander too far- she may get caught, torn apart by the beastly dragons that roamed. They said all they cared about was strength- the halos that some bore were only parasites. They say she could get lost for years- and become a skeleton just like most of the other dragons.

Hah.

Old bats.

She wouldn't listen to them anymore. She was here now. She looked back at the woods, and flicked her toungue out. The thoughts of her parents still left a bad taste in her mouth.

She then turned back, and started towards the sand.

The sound of dripping water faded behind her, and she stretched again slightly. Ah, yes, it was much, much warmer here. She enjoyed it.

Her build wasn't that of a plague-born Mirror-no, it was of a shadow-born. Though, despite this, she felt at home here. It was as if Mother Plague was welcoming her home.

Though, the light was harsh- it was something she would have to get used to. She may have liked the darkness more, but for the science wonders that appeared here? She could deal with it.

There was another nudge from her orb. She had stayed still for too long, it was getting impatient.

She looked back, and gave a look. She wasn't one to be rushed, and the orb seemed to cower behind her leg slightly.

She looked back, and then started forward again. She wasn't sure what she was doing, where she was going, but she knew she would hit the wyrmwound, or a clan at some point.

Her tail dragged behind her, making a trail through the sand. She could feel the gaze of both scared animals, and indifferent animals. She wasn't being preyed upon, yet, and doubted any of the smaller creatures would prey upon her for now.

If they did though- she always had Kaleo. The small metal square that hung off her side to preserve its energy- a mechanical dog. A scrapmetal tracker, which had served her well in her experiments, in her old clan.

Along with her tail, her claws and paws made tracks aswell. Any dragon would be able to track her easily unless one of the winds blew soon-yes- but she didnt mind. She had the swiftness of a shadow dragon, her lithe form allowing her to glide through air and through environments with no problem. Her wings never seemed to get caught- her tail small enough to slip through any bramble untouched.

She could outrun any dragon in this wasteland, she was sure.

It was cocky, yes, but she had a habit of being like that. She didn't know what clan she would be a part of, or maybe she might have the pleasure of being a disciple to Plaguebringer herself.

Oh yes, that would be a pleasure.

She stretched though, and blinked, taking herself out of her daydreams. Her tongue flicked out, and she gave another stretch, before starting off again, looking around.

Nothing much, only bone spikes, only the skulls of unlucky dragons. This wasn't a unusual sight for her though, her old clan collected these things. Festivals were a common thing, and she took joy in participating them.

That would be the one thing she would miss from her clan, she supposed. And the workshop- she hoped that either Plaguebringer or the clan she would be taken into would have a good workshop or labratory, and maybe some fun festivals.

Her fins laid back. Ah, maybe that was a far-off dream though. The only festivals she had heard of in the Plague clans were battle ceremonies, with the Nature clans.

She blinked, and then looked around. What was that?

She had heard footsteps- she swore. Who was it?

The orb buried under her wing, away from the heat that she was becoming all too wary of. She felt so exposed in this wasteland- she had underestimated that feeling, coming from a very dense woodsland.

The flaps of wings sounded overhead. She looked up, and then tilted her head. A skydancer and a pearlcatcher- the light catching onto their wings. A manticore followed behind one of them, flames and ashes flicking into her trail.

Dragons!

She paused though. Did she dare follow? They were heading towards dragonhome.

The heat above her though, reminded her of where she was, and what lurked here. She was confident in her abilities-yes, but not stupid. She knew that a clan, or just near a clan, would be much safer than in the open.

She tucked in her wings, then started off. She would take it by ground- they were probably much faster fliers, but she was a faster runner. She was a shadow dragon- you couldnt fly much there, so you had to be skilled on foot.

She kicked up sand in her wake, the orb struggling to follow. It shook in its struggle, but she didn't slow.

She flicked her toungue out again, tasting the air. She watched their forms fly ahead of her-

And hadn't been watching the ground.

Sandpits were much, much more native to dragonhome then the Scarred Wasteland. Earth dragons sometimes had tunnels too close to above ground, causing heavier dragons to fall through them.

Sandpits in the Scarred wasteland were usually dragon-made, and had steep drops into deep underground clans. The time of winter was a time for this especially- the extra winds eroding the ground.

She gave a small shriek as she stumbled down, her wings flaring out to try and catch herself. Her claws grasped at air as she failed to do this, tumbling down all too quickly. Luckily, this wasnt a dragon territory yet, just a cave. If it was dragon territory, then it was currently uninhabited.

She felt the wind get knocked out of her though, as she was roughly caught by something- or someone.

The skydancer above her curled his claws around her to keep her steady. They were of similar sizes- but he was big for his breed.

"Maybe you should watch your step, instead of watching me next time, eh?"

As Banshee caught her breath, she looked up at him. The skydancer then felt a sharp pain across his cheek, as he was slapped harshly by the mirror.

He let out a small yelp, then a hiss. He wouldnt drop her- even though he felt a strong urge to.

He simply flapped upwards, before finding a safe space to set her on the ground. Once that was done, he backed up to rub his cheek. "The hell was that for?"

"Do not assume I was looking at your for eye candy. I was simply looking for someone to lead me somewhere, not an ugly feathered bastard to act like hes the hottest thing on Sornieth."

The skydancer winced. "Well that's a stab at my pride." He huffed, looking to the side.

The pearlcatcher who had been accompanying him finally flew down, gliding on colorful wings. He landed in the sand, then looked between the two. "Who is she?"

The Skydancer looked at him, then at the Mirror. "I dont know. Maybe she should tell us."

The mirror looked at them, then down in the pit. Perhaps she should jump to save herself from these fools.

She looked back though, with a soft sigh. "My name is Banshee. I'm a scientist from the tangled wood, and I'm looking for a clan." She said.

The two looked at her, then the skydancer looked towards the sky. "A clan, huh?"

The mirror narrowed her eyes. "Yea, that's what I said, if you couldn't hear me."

The skydancer rolled her eyes. "I heard ya loud and clear, sweetheart." He said, a bit of venom laced into his words.

The pearlcatcher frowned slightly, then looked at the mirror. He gave a small smile. " well, if you want to be in a clan so much...then why dont you join ours?"

The mirror seemed taken aback. She had been following them- yes- but she wasn't expecting a blatant invite to their clan.

"I...would have to see what it is like." She said, fins lying back.

The pearlcatcher gave a smile. "I'm sure our leader would be happy to have you for a few days, then. New dragons are always welcome, no matter how long they stay."

The mirror watched him. Were all plague clans like this? Surely not.

She looked away slightly, eyeing them still though, and then gave a nod. "Al..right. I suppose I'll check it out."

The pearlcatcher gave a smile. "Great, well then just follow me and..." he looked over.

The skydancer wasnt there- had taken off already on skilled wings. The pearlcatcher gave a sigh, and looked back. "Flyaway." He said blankly.

The pearlcatcher's ears tilted back, and he gave another small smile, before taking off quickly, and easily.

The mirror watched them, before taking steps forward. She picked up pace though, and was soon running with cheetah-like speed after them.

She supposed, that this, may aswell be her day today. Maybe she would find a brand new home, along the way.

[syfypredator]

Im finally in love with a straight guy

Ive been told that every gay guy has been in love with a straight guy at least once in their life. But that had not happened to me... until tonight.

I thought it was weird for me not to have developed feelings towards a straight guy yet, but I just thought it was because I’ve just never been close enough to many straight guys to be actually attracted to them. Attraction? Sure, feelings? Never.

Tonight it changed. It was honestly a rollercoaster. This is my last night out in Loughborough and since my breakup (like three weeks ago) I’ve just had the desperate urge to find someone to fill the void. Despite this town being a shithole to find gays, I’ve had some options, but nothing really happened woth them. Sometimes I just wasn’t interested or maybe it just wasnt mean’t to happen.

The point of this story is that I met Hunter. Hes not even straight, in his words: “I’m definitelly in the spectrum but I’d never have sex with a guy”.

This person kissed me like an hour ago, a long, passionate kiss, that still has me really confused, but inmensely bewitched.

Hunter happened a week ago. I was going to a house party in “hell house”, where a boy, which i get shivers everytime i see, lives in. My friends forced me to go but my intention was to stay for a bit and then leave. The point is, I got fed up and left. But although my intention was to go home, my friend texted me wantig me to go to her pres. I did.

I get there and I see this white guy, who was looking at me. I was interested. And he looked interested.

We go to the union at midnight and the queue is insane. There’s me, my friend Imogen, this other girl and Hunter. And this fucker has the brilliant idea to say “lets not get lost” and then he holds my hand, interlacing his fingers with mine. This is not what a straight guy would do, and definitely this is something I would not do. I got really confused but I was enjoying this, I felt desired again after the breakup, I felt lucky again. Long story short, nothing happened that night. Although he did add me on snapchat.

It gets weirder. He finally messaged me. I was surprised because I thought he was just not that interested. But to my surprise, he was just asking for advice on how to glue down his eyebrows for the upcoming drag ball. The ball came, he was there, and he stared at my ass the whole night. Thats all it really happened that day.

This was on a sunday, now today is friday and I had not seen him in a week.

I was determined on having sex tonight. Last day of term, my last night out before the christmas break. I had to end it with a bang. I even downloaded grindr again (I had deleted it when the relationship with luke got serious). I had some suitors, many sex propositions, but I just wanted him.

I was just so intrigued about hunter, this guy was showing a bit of interest, but not enough. I finally see him tonight. He tells me he was very impressed by my outfit at the drag ball, he congratulates me on my winning, and i congratulate him on his. I see him for a second time and I discover that he is actually not russian, or german, or anything other than pure english. I see him for the third and last time. By this time I was decided to get some answers. I pat him on his head and he comes to me.

Hes dancing and smiling at me. I’m just so charmed. But i had to ask: “What’s the deal with you?” “Like, fo you wanna be my friend? Or..?”. He just says “I don’t know, I’m confused”. I say “well, I really need you to tell me what’s going on”. He doesn’t say anything, instead he just keeps dancing. Next thing I know he’s kissing me, tougue, biting and hands. It lasted for a long minute. But I had to say “I heard you were in a weird open relationship?”. Again, I still needed some answers.

“Lets go outside” he says.

Once outside, in the cold. He starts telling me about how hes different, hes a weirdo. He’s not sexually attracted to boys but he felt the need to kiss me. That he grew up in a very open environment, and that he wishes straight men weren’t forced to act a certain way. “I just do what I feel like doing in the moment, and in that moment I felt like kissing you”.

It was a long talk. He told me about this breathing excercise that hes practicing when its cold. How he has a girl at home that he cant wait to have sex with. How the fact that kissing me was like litting the gossip fire with his friends. But I got stuck with one thing: “you are the only person I’ve kissed in this three months in Loughborough, and the second boy ever”.

Why tho? If youre not interested in me like that, why kiss me? Why tease me? You dont know what ive been through, you dont know all the time boys have done whatever the fuck theyve wanted with me. Why making me feel special saying “ youre the only...”. Whats the need?

I had a few options to choose from tonight, i couldve had sex tonight, easily, I just had to choose a guy. But I chose Hunter.

I went home and cried after we talked. Not because I hated this guy, but because I might have fallen in love with this guy.

5:05 am . 15/12/18

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review (ch 90-91)

Since I discussed the first few pages of ch-90 that contains kyo & tohru in my previous preview, this one will only be kyoko’s story.

Kyoko’s story brilliantly explores the effects of unhealthy domestic environment on children without the use of the zodiac curse as a metaphor for abuse. My first-reaction of kyoko’s story is the following:

I really enjoyed how kyoko’s descend into darkness was explored & how the psychologically-informed writing of her behavior was depicted.

I was troubled by how Katsuya was presented as the magical solution to all her problems. Kyoko was saved by romantic love in a more basic writing than machi. Both girls just needed a guy to listen to them vent abt their family issues once & tada~ they’re in love.

Kyoko’s story made me realize that Arisa is just a more modern & healthier kyoko.. The only difference is that Kureno didn’t save Arisa. She herself changed gradually due to kyoko & tohru’s influence.

1) Kyoko’s descend into Darkness:

Kyokyo told kyo that she was already “out of control delinquent before she got to middle school”, “ fell into the wrong crowd”, “ enjoyed beating innocent ppl”. subtly citing the influence of “delinquent peers” & the innate desire be noticed at home. I’m bad, notice me! love me, listen to me!

There are some elements in her story that faintly reminds me of yuki & strongly reminds me of kyo:

Kyoko’s parents gave her a treatment similar to “ yuki’s parents”: cold, neglect & devoid of love. Her dad, similar to kyo’s dad, felt ashamed & disgraced by her.

Kyoko similarly to kyo was angry, full of self-loath & self-destruction. However, kyo was never violent like she was. I believe kyo’d have turned like her if he didn’t have Kazuma to discipline him with love, care & attention. Hence, we saw kyo carry on a code of “ not beating girls, or ppl who aren’t hurting them, or don’t know martial arts”, like Arisa or the student council guy whop loves yuki.

Kyoko’s mom similarly of kyo’s mom talked abt the dad venting his anger on her after being pissed off with kyoko. So, a hint of domestic violence between husband & wife.

Kyoko described herself as “ made of shattered glass”. Tohru once said both kyo & yuki are very sensitive. yuki blocks the world behind the prince mask & kyo puts on the annoyed attitude to push ppl away from hurting him.

Society thinks that “delinquent/bad ppl” are always happy with what they’ve become. Satisfied with their destructive choices. When in most of the times... they’re as bewildered & confused as the community around them..

I really don’t blame the teachers for being defensive. Teachers aren’t supposed to be “life-coaches” or “saviors of students”. That’s sth the educators with their research gush abt & what society demands & what families wish for. The fixer-teacher!!!! Teachers are ppl teaching a subject, doing a specific job, underpaid & overworked most of the times, also, they come from various backgrounds, beliefs, & sometimes even if they meant good & wanted to “ save” a student, they aren’t equipped with the suitable psychological training. Yeah, there are ppl for that in schools, but so many students with lots of issues. Also, let’s be real, we love kyoko cuz she’s the “epic mother of tohru, we grew on her teachings thro out 3 seasons” but if you meet a loud, delinquent, gangster head, violent chair throwing student who rarely comes anyway, would you wanna deal with them?

2- Katsuya “ the magical savior”:

so, why did teacher katsuya helped a screaming delinquent? cuz he IS interested in kyoko. He said so. He approached her, talked & tried to help cuz he intended to “never let her go since he saw her honesty” ~ romantic? maybe to some.. I find it weird & creepy. him eyeing her & getting interested & approaching her & earning her trust. It is true that he has no intention of hurting her or forcing her & he DID save her in more ways than one. But why is this all wrapped in romance. He DID flirt with her intentionally many times from the moment he saw her until then.

If Im being honest, had he not be her teacher (trainee or not), & had she not be very veeeeery young! I’d be enjoying his flirting so much. He’s so smooth, playful & cool (not looking head over heels in love) which is normally such a fun dynamics. She was so head over heels, tho. Finally found someone who noticed her tiny efforts “ drawing eyebrows”, someone who listened & someone who didn’t forced her to do her “duties”. She tells him (her teacher) that she is ditching classes & he’s okay with that~ not lecturing, not urging. why? cuz He only wants HER. she comes to see him in the lunch break everyday. school? classes? that’s her choice~ not his business~ In a way, Katsuya is intentionally made not morally correct. Why? cuz a good moral adult wouldn’t be in love with a middle schooler & would care for her future as an independent person from him. He must be written with intentional desire to NOT care for morals or right or the likes. Yes, he later helps her to study & graduate but ONLY when that is HER choice & she made it ONLY to catch up with him. To cleanse herself & be “ like the other girls” . Kyoko deemed katsuya “ good person” &  herself “ bad person”. That’s why she was motivated to be good to catch up with him since she can NO LONGER see him everyday in lunch break. He fixed that. How? teach her in the weekends & provide better chances to flirt since he’s no longer a teacher & she’s his student. The issue is not teacher-student love... it is adult-kid love!! but hey~ they’re cute (they’re written to be, so they are) so it’s cool ( it isn’t at all..eww).. oh the dilemma that is Takaya-san’s love for weird big age gaps where one is an underage teenager...

Furuba’s has this big theme of “ love doesn’t heal or save”. yuki took tohru’s love & grew up by himself. Kyo’s love for tohru didn’t save tohru, she was scared to be in love & forget her mom. Tohru made the decision to be free from her past, herself.  Tohru’s love to kyo made his trauma 10 times more complicated & he acted based on his love for her & decided to leave her. It wasnt until he decided to face his trauma, past & bio dad by himself, that he accepted tohru’s love. Only two characters were totally saved by love:

Machi: has the excuse of being solely created to be yuki’s reward for acknowledging platonic love for tohru & everything abt her is rushed & made as a lighter copy of all yuki’s issues to quickly create shared grounds for them to connect. Machi needed to vent her issues to yuki once & all her issues were never brought back to the service again. She was happier, calmer & healed.

I expected more for kyoko. She IS a bigger character than half of the zodiacs! but she just needed katsuya to listen to her & she was in love & her issues solved.

I don’t deny that it IS true that sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us. Tohru herself said so & even yuki said it to kyo. But Even if someone listen to us & we love them, the issues that troubled us dont magically disappear until we face them or do sth abt them aided by those who love us. Kyo’s issues remained even with his love until he faced them, tohru’s too!

Katsuya:

had off-screen issues with expressing himself. He said that he loved kyoko cuz she was “honest abt her ugly feelings” while he pretended to “humor & please his dad”. He gave a wonderful speech to her parents abt the expectations of parents on their kids & the refusal of their “human weakness” again furuba’s main vision. Unfortunately, this was followed with confessing, marriage proposal & kissing her on the lips all while the whole issue is abt kids/ parents exceptions of middle schooler/ neglect & his own acknowledgement that she’s minor while he was “in love”.

Like the author wants to tie kyoko’s issues & katsuya’s issues so bad & present him as her ONLY chance for normal life. Kyoko was just repenting & understanding that her actions got consequences which is an epic moment! but romance triumphant & saved the day~ yay~! marriage!

The story would’ve been better romantically if it was given time for kyoko to “ grow up” just like katsuya himself said when they were at the beach. He said “ grow up, middle school is not the world”. He continued meeting her but never confessed & never crossed the line despite the flirting. But he KNEW what he was doing “ i never planned to let you go since I saw you”. He was cementing his place as the ONLY one in her world.

Had kyoko grew up, saw the real world, kept taps with katsuya, he helped her broaden her world, then they’ll marry without needing her dad to sign papers, then that would be a better love story than this.

Side Notes:

The writer didn’t shy away from confessing that pairing Katsuya & kyoko is problematic & stated it in canon (kyoko called katsuya “pedo”). She did the same with Arisa & kureno (Arisa thought the age gap is big & hana questioned if kureno is a married man). However, making the story acknowledge that as an issues doesn’t make it less uncomfortable, but at least, I respect when writers do what they plan to do regardless of fans. even if I dont agree with the writer. It’s way better than when writer becoming fans toy/ fans pleaser.

Still, couldn’t the author state that kyoko was held back few years in jmiddle school & failed & repeated school years? like make her i duno 17 or sth... this would at least lessen the big age gap... but no~~~ kyoko is what? 14? ... -_-’.

You bet this won’t change a bit in the upcoming anime spinoff abt kyoko. Just this year an anime abt an adult man & his high school love interest that he pursued stubbornly was highly popular & my real life friends were gushing abt “ him finally winning her/ being respectful & only kissing her lips once or sth/waiting for her to “catch up” with him”/ consent age differ in X & Y countries..I’m not dictating my beliefs on anybody or any country or saying my way of thinking is the just way. I’m saying, Personally, I think, there are better romantic stories than adults & kids couples.. The fact that this trope of (adults & kids romance) is still popular even today is sad~~

I dont mind HUGE age gaps as long as BOTH characters are adults. If any of them makes a crime, they’ll be held responsible by the law. & sometimes the younger adult is the one dominating the relationship. but “kids or teenagers” can’t. They’re easily groomed & manipulated, so it bothers me when a love story between an adult & a kid is portrayed as  “equal”. it isn’t.

I’m not judging whoever loves such trope in “ fiction”. it IS fiction, & as long as you don't pursue a real kid/teenager in real life, you can like whatever in fiction. moving on~

kyoko’s delinquent life is well-written & if done right, would send a powerful message of being able to start over. But the romantic love aspect will steal the spotlight by (a) directing uncomfortable hate/disgust towards the story & hence all the discussions will abt the “pedo” aspect. (which is fair). (b) Perceived as so lovable romance since katsuya is the prince who to saved the neglected princess which is a trope that has stood thro time garnering lots of support & attention always, so all the discussion would be abt their “cute romance”. (which is fair since the author weaved elements that endeared their romance, such as: cute nicknames “miss no-eyebrows”, him giving her space, home & respect, saving her from the streets & poverty & having the most endearing tohru”. So, yeah, the romance will be the center of attention regardless.

I like katsuya’s character type in fiction generally: the flirty, mischievous & a bit cool guy who is so aware he’s wrong most times & plays his cards smart to not get caught red-handed. He’s a cooler version of shigure. It’s just the blatant fact that he’s been planning to “get” a middle schooler from the first glance & that she is wayyyy young for this, that is bothering me so so much~~ T_T.

I wont expect the anime to change their age gap cuz it is the essence of their story that she’s a lost kid with no protection against the world & he’s the savior providing everything at once!~ Remember kyoko went on to be the savior of an entire clan tho tohru~ So in a way, katsuya saved the sohmas by saving kyoko....

“ i’m like a stray cat that he looked after instead of chasing away”. kyoko with katsuya is like kyo with kazuma! >_<!. When kyo met tohru, he wasn’t a stray cat, most of how he dealt with her was cuz he already knew her & was tormented by remembering kyoko’s death & feeling guilty towards tohru’s constant pain. That’s why when kyo started falling in love with tohru, he unconsciously stopped pushing her away little by little & just wanted to be with her until akito said “ i’ll hurt her” that’s when he totally gave up.

the way katsiya appeared in the right moment to save kyoko from her dad~ oh the drama. XD

Hospital Discharge & chase. like mom like daughter~ but thank God the kids got a more balanced love story.

Comparing kyoko/katsuya to Arisa/kureno in the broad writing of their romance without diving into details: (a) I hate the age gap in both but at least Arisa is older & nothing happened until she graduates & become an official adult. (b) Kyoko/katsuya are more fleshed out & if you forget the age gap,m their dynamic is so cute & endearing. (c) the love at first glance, never meeting afterwards yet still sickly in love to the extinct of screaming made Arisa/kureno shallower. (d) now that I saw teenage kyoko, Arisa is really just her clone! I hate that this steals from Arisa’s uniqueness. (e) both couples ate ramen in their first meeting/first unofficial date signalling their blooming love.

I’ve said this more than once, but I was the high-schooler that fancied adult independent men growing up, I never pursued anyone tho cuz I understood it was a crush even tho I’m pretty sure my “ *_*” face was clear to one or two, but I’m definitely lucky none of them tried to woo me or influence me. Now that I’m a grown woman, I think back & laugh at my self. I fancied them cuz they were independent & mature compared to the silly high school boys, which is what those men are supposed to be (adults) & what those boys are supposed to be (living their young age). lol. Still, I wish I found someone somehow to be my life’s partner since then, it would’ve made my life less lonely~ T_T.

[short-simple-crystalclear]

To answer this question I need to tell you a bit more about the background. You know about those things more or less but I will interlink them with one another and it will be clearer when they are in one place.

I will tell you how my life looked before we happened.

Unstable, no commitments, jumping from one place to another, disappointment with people, constant nonfulfillment, the same companion all the time - me and me only. You know already that I am a seeker, every day, every minute, seeking for satisfaction, for meaning, for something that could fill that void inside me. It was very hard, I was unhappy, always acting as if everything was alright, being there for others and not for myself, changing environments as often as I could to finally find a place where I would feel good and comfortable. Apart from this, highly developed self criticism, constant efforts to improve myself - my interpersonal skills, my education, qualifications, my personality, my appearance. Because I still had this void in me, what is it? Lack of meaningful relationships? Low self-esteem? Lack of self acceptance? I didn’t know, so I worked on everything, always pushing myself over my limits. And constantly distracting myself from this feeling of emptiness and lacking. Either by next job, next bartender or barista training, excel courses, tax advisory courses, work and travel in America, study exchange, crossfit, yoga, japanese, eating, sleeping, going to the cinema alone, listening to the music at full volume. Everything I could find to meet new people, to forget about myself for a minute and to find meaning. I really was miserable, I could be surrounded by people who cared for me and adored me, and I still felt as if I was alone. But because it has been lasting for so long, I learned to deal with it. And here comes my mindset, my habits, everything that I must have given up before deciding you will be my future husband.

Freedom and individualism - those became (subconsciously) my most important values in life. I could go anywhere I wanted, so I was going, I didnt have any relationships, it was great, I didnt have to explain myself and my bizarre ideas to anyone. But because it was quite painful I started creating this vision of myself in my mind - what will I do, where will I work, where will I go during those times of the year which are associated with family and other people. I have experience in spending New Years eve alone (or with my parents, so the same thing) since 2014. In Poland not going to a party on New Year’s Eve means that you are a loser and a social zero. So I was both, invisible and social zero, no one could know about this, it is too shameful, it shows how unattractive I am, so I had to lie about my plans to people who asked me what was I doing. But yeah, I already had experience with New Year’s.

Next, Christmas - right after I move out from Poland I most likely wont go back home for Xmas because why would I? For the past 3 years I have treated every Christmas spent with my family as the last one. So I made peace with it too.

Next, and this is the biggest one, my normal everyday life - I will hire myself in a company or sth, climbing the career ladder, not worrying whether I will have kids or not because I wasnt even sure if I wanted them. How my life would look like? I live alone, go to work in the morning, go back from work in the evening, I go to yoga class or any other place and then I sit at my home and look for more opportunities for myself to grow. Still, no commitments, maybe random sex maybe not (depending on my confidence and relationship with my body), no adjusting to anyone else, changing social circles often (to avoid commitment) or being alone since I am so comfortable with my own company after all of these years. Besides, I cant trust anyone, people want to hurt me or destroy my plans and make me fail. It’s easier to be alone and observe everyone, and silently work on my achievements so no one can see. Do you remember our first fight? About sleeping around? That’s exactly what I (and you) was fighting with, I said “When it comes to me, sex was the only thing left that I couldn’t do without a man”. Exactly. And I wrote even more concerning this “I could imagine myself hitting 30, with my “dream job” making me miserable, with good apartment, surrounded by expensive things which were supposed to make me less lonely, with my eating disorder thriving, and with my vibrator in the drawer next to my bed, definitely overused one.” Similar to what I have written a couple of lines up, right? But that was my future in my mind, I planted this seed and accepted it. This was the way to prevent myself from more disappointment, broken heart and loneliness. I prepared myself in advance for all of them. I knew it was bad for me, but it was the only way I could cope with my hopelessness.

So what did I have to give up when I started a relationship with you? That I could go anywhere I wanted without much planning, that I could be fully flexible with my decisions because there was no other person involved, that I didnt have to know where I will end up in the end because I can always move and find a new place for myself. I had to give up my constant search for meaning and fulfillment. I had to give up my independence. Because if I am in a relationship I cant have secrets, I cant make plans that nobody knows about, I cant just go out without saying anything, I cant make decisions by myself without taking anyone else into consideration. I cant follow my strategy anymore - that no one really knows who I really am, no one knows my stories. I still perceived myself as not ready, not good enough, not having enough to give, because I knew how unstable I am, I knew well my urges to run away from people, I knew that I indeed loved being careless and free. Freedom, I understood and loved it, and I couldn’t give it up. I didn’t have much but I had this total independence, no matter how many mistakes I made, how bad my situation was, I could just turn around, change my living place and create my new identity over and over again. I also used it to stay myself, after giving away myself to others for years, I could go away and recover. I knew the costs were high, but at least I didn’t have to pay the greatest cost - being myself and accept everything that comes with it. I knew it was bad for me, I knew that. But that was living in me, so strongly, those were my reactions and thoughts which I had for years. That mindset was very important to me - not staying anywhere for too long, trying new things, being independent and not having to explain myself to anyone, changing people so they cant develop expectations. I didnt start any romantic relationship to protect myself from exposure and rejection when he finds out how I really am.

When I met you I had to give up all of that thinking, I had to make a mess with my life and destroy the whole system with no guarantee that I wont fuck up this relationship too because my demons will take over.

Now you can see why I behave in a way I behave, why I misbehave and do those unpredictable things. I decided I would give up all of this, but they are still troubling me, they dont want to let go. They are hijacking me from time to time and I have to fight with them. Unfortunately, sometimes I lose the duel, and then hurt you. Examples are: when I run away in September, when I wasn’t replying to you at the beginning of January for the whole day, when I triggered our first fight about sleeping around, female masturbation and vibrators, that’s why I still considered HPV vaccine even though you said we don’t need it, that’s why I dont like sending pictures of me to you, that’s why I say “everything is fine” even if it isnt, that’s why I had this dilemma about Toronto and couldnt see from the very beginning that you are most important to me, that’s why I didnt want to tell you about antidepressants, that’s why I was thinking and thinking again about our relationship and assessing whether I am still an asset to you, that’s why I asked if you would accept me if I leave you now and come back after a couple of years, that’s why I was pushing you away and pulling you closer, that’s why I ask for reassurances when you say you want me or you love me, that’s why I provoke you and actually cross the line, that’s why I make you uncomfortable sometimes with what I say, that’s why I kept you at arm’s length distance sometimes, thats why I believed that no one is irreplaceable and that love is conditional, that’s why I didnt want to go public with our relationship, at least on my side, that’s why at first I was telling you that you will have another wife, because I was afraid I will hurt you and let you down, that’s why I wasn’t so sure if I want to start a relationship with you at first, because I was sure I will ruin you and hurt the person that I love the most on this planet. I was pushing you away not because I wanted freedom, I was pushing you away because I could see how strong these demons and this thinking are inside me. And I was frightened that I would leave you one day in the future when it’s already too late, when you invest too much, when you completely adjust your life to be with me and when it’s too late for you to forget about me and find another girl for yourself. You can see that I had a lot of issues from the very beginning but you didn’t know because I wasn’t communicating them. And now I am communicating them but they are not as strong anymore.

And this void is still present there, I am still self conscious and too shy. When you came you didnt fill these holes in me, you didnt fix what was broken. No. You created new things, you created spheres that I never had, you built your own creations in my mind. And they are all warm, loving and comfortable. And now my mind and my body is colorful, there’s a lot of vibrant colors which you brought but there is also a lot of darkness. All I have to do is to give up on those destructive mechanisms that are old and no longer supportive and focus on the new ones. And I am relieved it is like this, I really am. You know why? Because you have built something sustainable, you are not a guy for one night who will help me forget about myself, you are not amphetamine which could get me high for a couple of hours. And it brings me peace and tranquility, that I am not using you to fill this void only and discard you when you stop “working”. But it will take me some time to unlearn all of the things that I was doing for years. I can clearly see how much I have changed during the past 6 months, from a complete doubt through confusion to a total belief. How I perceived myself unworthy of your love and now I accept it.

It wasn’t a coincidence that I was single. And you know how many opportunities I had to start a relationship, but I never had one because no one was worth it. Worth leaving my principles and plans. Until I met you. And when I am saying that I don’t want to be with anyone else I know what I am saying. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

And this Toronto thing, oh Elias. I never did something like this before, I think it was the biggest sacrifice of my life, because indeed, I did sacrifice my “alternative life”, pleasing others, forgetting about myself and helping them, doing the most unexpected thing without consequences, cutting my current relationships, turning my life upside down. But giving up Canada is a one thing, I won’t even apply, even though I already paid for the application fee, it means that I didn’t leave a second door for myself, I can’t run away in case I change my decision, there’s no way back, and I always, always leave a buffer zone for myself. Not this time, I can’t change my mind next month or in two months. It’s like I gave up my own security, my backup, part of my identity. I have never done more to any other person, never. I gave up my way of living. And it’s all for you.

[johnmarkv]

Pace e felicita non vi possa dare

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when the school year 2017-2018 had started

i was already facing with big challenges.

people tend to see the other side of me.

my friends who are struggling with their problems are feeling envy of me as they thought that i have no problems in life because i am always smiling genuinely and laughing out loud.

little do they know that i am actually having health issues.

the previous school year was terribly stressful as our classroom adviser was pushing me to the limits just to produce at least one outstanding honor from our class who can get on the stage. i had sleepless nights due to pressure and i was stressing out because i need to get a line of 9 general average for the 4th quarter which, I thought, was real impossible.

so the stress, the pain, the strain, the pressure from the previous school year? yes, i carried it out all through the school year 2017-2018.

people weren’t much aware of my mental breakdowns. my mental breakdowns visited me more often during the 2nd semester of the school year. there was even a time na someone pulled the trigger, and there, i had a mental breakdown in the school. and it was bothersome. my friends kept on telling me to stop crying, to not make any eye contact with the teachers, and to stop overthinking. worse comes to worst. my mental breakdowns often comes with suicidal thoughts. it wasnt really easy for my closest friends of course. they were there to calm me down, to calm my thoughts.

due to stress from the toxic environment in the school, i tend to do “stress-eating”. but without me knowing, i was actually binge eating. and every time i eat excessively and uncontrollably, i always feel the urge to puke. my best friends know this concern of mine. that’s why, i decided to eat less and sometimes not eat (not even a single meal) for a day because I know i’ll just vomit right after. it wasn’t easy living a life having this disorder. as people around me may know, i eat like a construction worker, but they didn’t know that i’ll keep on vomiting right after. and that is why i dont gain any weight. i keep on losing weight ever since i transferred in this school. it was really really hard for me.

it is hard to wake up every morning getting depressed early in the morning for an unknown reason. it is hard to sleep at night due to overthinking. it is hard.

battling with depression, anxiety, and bulimia is never easy...

and no, the battle is not yet over.

you might see me giggling, but i am actually suffering from these.

and i don’t know if can really win against this battle between me and myself.

[oc-review-shop]

OC Review: Keith Gatti

Review by: Mod Charle

(continuing with the dating sim idea, although lookin it closely it fits better for a reverse harem… here’s the first dateable guy) human name: Keith Gatti

It does seem more like a reverse harem series than a dating sim. However, it is possible to make this into a dating sim by changing the backstories of each alien to have them appear around the same time.

real name: unknown,due to his language being incompatible with human languages

I do wonder, if this is the case, when in human form, is Keith able to communicate with Ida and others?

biological age: around 26-27 years old Height:  1.65 meters- somewhat taller (has two personas, but essentiallty they are the same)

If they are the same persona, I don’t feel the need to keep “two personas” in his bio. If they are the same, it is one persona.

Weight: HEAVY Body build: skinny/muscular

If he is very heavy, I would assume he is more big and muscular rather than skinny, like bodybuilders. Skinny doesn’t seem like it fits.

Voice: high pitched, soft, cute / rough, deep (closer to his true alien voice) dere type: Yandere. it will be explained why.

Yandere.... hmm.....

gifts from him: flowers, rollerskates… Approach level: VERY EASY

He kinda seems like a loving puppy lololol

chronological age: 5470 years old, but he spent time on earth (and the space (research) station ) only 40 years (dude, he travelled to earth, and didnt have faster than light time travel)

I am very confused on his age. His biological age is 26-27 years but there are 40 years, and 5470 years sprawled in this little section. How old is he? In alien years? In human years?

Species description: Keith’s species are some sort of gigantic amphibians, living in equally big aquatic enviroments, their skin is coloured accordingly to the “sand” and vegetation of the environment, having a stocky build to resist the changing pressure in land and underwater, and fins, to build resistance.

The species are also predators, but rather than chasing down the prey, they  just lure them using changing patterns on the skin and their visible veins to create a mesmerizing visage, and when the prey approaches, they hold it with their legs and commence eating them, first sucking their juices dry and then munching their dry bodies like a snack. besides obvious predator abilities, they can read feelings, and the reasons for those feelings, they just hold their claws onto the location of the heart of whoever they are reading and using their eyes to make them focus on the reader, its really simple, y'know-

I really like the species description and how each “amphibian-like” creature appears, but I am a little put off on how they lure their prey in. Generally, prey would only go near something if it looks like something familiar or safe. Therefore, I would have to recommend their skin and veins create different colors that resemble coral and such, although I do really like the idea! Also, you may need to go more in depth about how these creatures read feelings. Human emotions and alien emotions, I would imagine, are drastically different given they’re from different worlds. I suggest elaborating a little more on how they vary and how they are similar.

about keith: Keith is one excitable, cheerful boy, who’s really amazed by everything and might as well be a dog, loving to cuddle and nuzzle, however he has a cruel, jealous side, that he shows whenever someone outside the social circle he is in steps in and takes an interest to Ida,and uses their fear to his advantage, or manipulates them to do his biding.or else he would eat them, although he does it more on an impulsive whim,  Ida has no idea of this , thinking he is an uwu soft dumb marshmallow , and neither does Mabel, who would tell Ida inmediately, Caleb knows but shrugs it off, Drake is really angry at this because it might blow up their cover, and Xander just scolds him because eating people isnt nice, and because Ida might find out. yeah… (I know this only covered a few personality traits…sorry)

I think this is a good personality trait for Keith. He seems lovable but is easily jealous and vicious. This dating sim or harem would actually work out very well because Keith is a character that could easily get into the way of another character’s move on Ida.

while not much of his past is known other than him being the first of his batch to hatch, it is theorized that his jealous, manipulative, vengeful cruel persona is the real one , due to other members of his species cowering in fear in his presence, however, he IS genuinely cheerful around Ida and truly supports her and her dreams.he is also very optimistic in that he is going to be her one true love, despite all his jealousness

Keith has some major issues lmao

He still remembers the first time he met Ida, he was going to go crazy after years of isolation, the only contact he has had was with  scientists who just checked him up and left, but then came Ida, she was just cleaning up stuff, looking him and rambling about some things about travels and tourism, venting about her frustrations, he felt the urge of cheer her up, playing like a cat, humans like cats, however, maybe due to his size, she was more scared and angry , thus she searched for the nearest object which happened to be a metal bar that was used in case the door needed to be extra locked, and she knocked out two of his teeth with it.

Man, if I was looking for a man to be my significant other, I would search for one that would knock two of my teeth out with a metal bar on sight. But this is very reasonable. While it is cliche, if you were all alone and someone came to give you company, I bet something would start to blossom.

Keith understood perfectly she was ready to kill him in self defense if necessary, and she was about to start a ruckus (she does have anger issues, and her training was strictly cleaning related) , and she was going to get kicked out, thus, he was not going to see her again, he just calmly laid a claw on her, and looked her directly in the eyes, and found her frustrations and issues.

I think another reason why Keith might have the jealousness is because he was the first to meet Ida. You could maybe add in that these creatures have an “imprinting” thing going on that allows one to claim someone else as their significant other. This could work, but then again, all the other aliens are also going after Ida. Idk it’s just a thought.

Though he needed to talk to her and meet her outside of the job, the morphing device that was on a laboratory was perfect for creating his new persona, his human self, but he needed dna, which… wasnt hard to obtain, Ida’s suit was probably full of hairs, and whatnot, so he did what he had to do, take her suit and go away, it was a hard and painful process until he took a completely human form.

Dang that must hurt. However, I feel like using Ida’s DNA would make him look more like a girl. I would change this to Keith finding a way to obtain a male’s hair and then complete the transformation.

I think I explained in Ida’s profile what happened the next day…

Yes, yes you did.

Relationships:

with Ida:  he is completely infatuated with her, idolizing her, and admiring her, although this is not good, but once he starts respecting her as a human being and acknowledging her faults the ship can sail, if not, there’s suffering for both of them, he is taking steps, for example, he respects her space.

Overprotective but not pushy. Honestly Keith isn’t that bad of a dude.

With Mabel: Mabel is helping him woo Ida, although she isnt aware of his Yandere tendencies.

What a girl Mabel, yes. But I still think Ida and Mabel could be a route in this sim.

With Drake: they dont get along very well, because despite Drake being violent and bloodthirsty he doesnt sugarcoat it , they like to play toghether though…

If “play” means “trying to rip each others’ throats out”, yeah, I guess they love to play.

With Caleb : Caleb and Keith get along very well with each other, is not hard since both of them are very approachable.

Good boys.

With Xander: both are very jealous of Ida, although Xander fears keith, and keith fears xander as well, no reason

I feel like there should be a reason they fear each other. We generally know why Keith is feared, but Xander should have an underlying trait or secret that makes him extremely dangerous. Its always the sweet/quiet ones.

Trivia: *He adopted the manic pixie dream guy persona to cheer Ida up, he loves seeing her smile *According to Ida he weights like a horse, it might be hyperbole though. *His human form presents no glamour failure at first, but if very stressed he shows parts of his true form. *And mantaining his cute voice is difficult for him too *he is an amphibian and thus needs to be hydrated constantly, he carries a purse full of bottled water.

I honestly really like Keith a lot more now. He originally seemed too generic and likable, but he has flaws and I do want to learn more about the fear everyone seems to show around him. Don’t be afraid to send in your other characters, i would be happy to review them!

Thanks for reading, and I hope this helps! (◕ ω ◕✿)

*All OC credit goes to daniluni

~Mod Charle