#it wasnt even that i had any bad notes given to me i just have to emphasize one word more but my brain was like

[ankhisms]

once again fighting tooth and nail against the deeply engraved insecurities and issues we got notes emailed to us from rehersal last night and my brain launched into OHHH WERE NOT DOING GOOD ENOUGH WE SUCK SO BAD AT EVERYTHING like hey. calm down. its ok. take my hand we can keep trying to improve

[legy]

hi! i'm caelum. you might know me from @goldentruths-pod or from posting online. im in a financial quicksand pit and i really, really, really need help.

i'm disabled and receive approx ~$950 a month from social security. this has gone from "rough but survivable" when i first started receiving SSI to "i am literally not making ends meet" in 2024. right now my current status is that i am covering my basic needs but any kind of extra purchases are impossible. and the extra purchases i need to make keep piling up because i just can't afford them. some things i need include, in vague level of priority:

dolphin, my cat, is years overdue for a vet visit. this is going to be $300 minimum, possibly more because she has an adversarial relationship with the vet. she needs dental work done which they had quoted me as being $1500 but ive been putting it off for so long that i would not be surprised if that's more expensive too

i have learned today that my gold crown needs to be replaced. really unhappy about this one. it was a miserable experience the first time (everything that went wrong did go wrong, i'll spare you the details) but what is relevant here is that my insurance does not cover this and it was $900 last time. insurance also does not cover extracting the tooth either so that's cool. i have some time before this one is due (my next consult is in july)

my phone is approaching "unusably broken". i've had it for close to 4 years now. the call speaker no longer works (i can only use the phone on speaker mode) and it struggles to run apps or a web browser which makes things like GPS pretty dire. this would be like ~$100-$150 probably, i havent done serious phone shopping yet

my driver's license is expired and i need to get a new one. this was $110 last time. note i havent driven a car in years due to the disability but it's really valuable to have a universally recognized form of photo ID and ive already been hassled over it being expired

god this one is so embarrassing to get into but i had to flee my previous apartment last year due to it escalating into a DV situation. the other tenants did not pay the heating bill, which was in my name (and my dumb ass didnt close the account because it was the middle of february and i didnt want to freeze them to death) so i have a $250 utility bill in collections. i might be able to dispute or debt forgiveness this one but tbh ive been so fucking drained given everything else going on and also my phone barely works so i havent pursued it. especially since i can't afford to pay it if i cant challenge it

i would really like to have a passport again. my previous one was destroyed by my landlord in 2018 but even if it wasnt it'd also be expired now. not sure how much this one costs. likely $200?

my food stamps were slashed in half (covid emergency ending lol) and do not cover my food costs for the month so im paying like $150 a month on food that i didnt have to previously. i can maybe fix this one but im slowly losing my mind from malnutrition from trying to not go into debt and also eat. so i havent had it in me to go 1v1 welfare bureaucracy and possibly make everything even worse

my shoes are probably two months out from fully decomposing. they were $100 three years ago and id like to get something comparable given they lasted me this long

the rest of my clothes are also very literally becoming threadbare, falling apart, or are too big and keep slipping off. i legitimately feel embarrassed to go in public these days because i dress so shitty all the time

insurance doesnt cover my HRT anymore so that's $30 a month i didnt used to have to pay

im sorry this turned into such a ramble. i'm in such a bad way right now, i have been for quite a while and the dental work news is really just the final straw. i can't really have a fundraising goal because due to the SSI asset limit i can never own more than $2000. & i'm aware both that this is the poor people sending each other the same 20 dollars website and that there are people urgently trying to raise money to escape an active genocide. but i held off from making this post as long as possible & idk what else i can do

anyway if theres anything you can contribute to help me i would appreciate it more than anything. at the very least i need to do something about my tooth.

http://paypal.me/hivehum

[jess-the-vampire]

I genuinely don't understand the gripes a few people have with how Belos was handled in the finale. "Dont just brush him off as being evil" Well, why the fuck not? Dude wasnt born evil but he purposefully chose destruction and death at every possible opportunity for 400+ years. Nothing about his backstory would have made any impact on the characters affected, because its not an excuse, its not even an explanation! Caleb had the same childhood and he loved the Boiling isles. Eat boots Belos.

Ok, buckle up cause this is gonna be a long one, we gotta have a chat about Belos as a character, because there's been so many takes about this i keep seeing about " he never accepted the isles the way luz did" and "He had 400 years to change and he never took the took the offer", because it just seems like the fandom wants to kinda ignore a lot of the nuance about his situation and why it's not that simple?

and i'm for sure certain it's because the fandom is obviously already pretty biased against him since he's the villain, and what he does to the main characters as well as represents.

And that's fine, obviously he becomes a pretty bad person, no one is obligated to like him and it's ok to feel uncomfortable given the character he is.

But i think a lot of these issues as to why people have such mixed opinions about the finale has a lot to do directly with the fact the show DID keep his backstory as vague as they did, when if they had gone into it i think we would've had less of this discourse.

Now none of this is me excusing him obviously, but the fandom is very adamant to just not allow him to have depth either, when....he's allowed to be irredeemable and have depth at the same time. He's meant to be a very human villain, a character that could happen to anyone under the right circumstances

So not exploring that depth, why it got how it did, and how things like it can be prevented is a flaw within the show and among a lot of fans.

And to be fair, the show does not HAVE to do it, but the show also clearly wrote his character to have a lot of implied depth whether people like it or not, him coming from a very real religious group alone and making him a foil to luz has turned what could of been a very one note villain into one with a lot of layers to his villainy.

And if the show wants to make belos a very one note villian, no depth, they could of very easily done this by just cutting out details like his love and care for his brother, or just make make him want to destroy witches simply because he decided on his own they were worth destroying.

But that's not exactly what they've presented belos as being.

The show thrives in having characters who aren't just simple nor cookie cutter.

Hunter isn't just some cocky sidekick, he's an abused teenager who craves love and affection, and is willing to go high and low to earn it, terrified to be thrown away and replaced and constantly is forced into a mold just to get the affection he craves. He's highly sheltered and isolated just because his father figure doesn't want him to be his own person since that wasn't what he was created for

King isn't just a tiny little brat who craves power, he's a child whose been lied to about his past, and he wanted nothing more then to be taken seriously and feel a sense of belonging. He believes that he wants power, but finds out he really only wanted to be treated like anyone else, and that he's far happier with a family that loves and cares about him rather then being a powerful demon king.

Lilith isn't just a self important antagonist who wants to force eda to do what she wants, she grew up close to her sister and wanting to be by her side well into the future, but felt a sense of inadequacy in comparison to eda. The pressures of the coven system and need to win against her sister made her make a drastic choice she regrets and she wants nothing more then to fix it and make everything the ideal fantasy they grew up wanting to have together. She's also a large nerd, craves the attention of higher figures since her own mother used to put all the attention on eda, and changed her appearance just so people would take her seriously.

And the show does this with most of it's cast, obvi there's the exception like tibbles and even bosha who don't have too much to them, but they're also very minor antagonists and there's still stuff you can pick up on.

Belos however is the main antagonist, everything that happens in the show, happens because of him, his entire backstory is basically why the plot of the show happens.

Not just that, but also caleb and evelyn, if it weren't for the drama between these three, there would be no show.

And people are WELL aware these three aren't the main leads, they aren't going to be the main focus of most episodes and obviously the show was going to end in the favor of the main characters.

But

the story the show tells between these three ties very strongly into the ones with the leads too. We are given at least enough details to notice parallels between stuff that happens with characters like luz, and characters like philip.

We know philip and luz grew up in gravesfield, we know there were outcasts there, and they had one family member they relied on to support them there. They ended up in the demon realm, they both learned magic, and they both are strongly motivated by their beliefs regarding the isles.

So there's a lot they share in common, which makes it really easy to take a look at philip and say "Well it's his fault for not being like luz and accepting the isles like she did".

But, there's a lot of differences here

Luz grew up with fantasy, with magic stories about witches and heroes and demons. Philip grew up in a 1600s puritan village which demonized this stuff, he was a young child growing up being told this stuff was evil and he was taught to fight against it.

Luz felt odd for her interests and out there personality but at worst she felt isolated and misunderstood, she didn't like her mom's efforts to change her to be "Normal". Philip actually conformed to gravesfield, caleb clearly encouraging his brother to do so, just so both of them could fit in with the town. Had they not conformed at best they'd be isolated, but at worst they'd be dead.

Camilia is an adult who eventually opens up and talks to luz about how it was wrong to try and change her to be "Normal", that she herself hid her own interests to do so.

Caleb, was a child, he did not have any open conversations with his younger brother. Caleb hid evelyn and his interests with witches from philip and then on top of this, left philip behind.

You could absolutely say the fact caleb didn't talk to philip is pure speculation, and not confirmed at all. That all of this could be summed up to unreliable narrators.

But we know caleb left for the isles before philip did, we know it took time for philip to find him again (because his beard grew out), we know caleb had a wife who seems to be pregnant, that he was introducing philip to (Implying he not only hasn't seen philip in awhile, but that eve and philip have never met to caleb) and all of that alone feeds into the fact caleb left him behind to start another life. This is all shown in his memories alone, stuff we can't chalk up to unreliable narrators.

So the most logical conclusion to come to is caleb left philip to start a new family, we don't have a lot of details as to if caleb ever planned to return, if caleb had good reasons to do what he did, or much about his mindset.

But we have enough to know Philip loved and looked up to caleb, that he relied on caleb, and caleb lied and left him.

There is again, reason to tie this back to camila and luz.

but this is not a child leaving a parent behind, this is a parental figure leaving a child behind.

This is what i mean by the issue being lack of clear answers, people claim caleb left when philip was an adult, but we actually have no confirmed evidence for this. We have enough of philip's memories to know 2 things, that he was still a teenager when caleb was meeting evelyn, and he was an adult when he arrived.

You could argue philip was an adult by the time caleb left, but it's so vauge you can also argue caleb left when philip was a child and philip didn't figure out his way to the demon realm till adulthood and there's not enough proof to go one way or another.

now titan dad says philip had no genuine reasons for his actions, that he did this all for glory, but as steve put it back in OTWAT, the titan is just a guy.

And given the collector situation, he can make mistakes and screw up just like anyone else.

Titan dad only sees what he can see and make observations based on what he sees. He saw a human come to the isles with a bias already against witches, who ended up killing his brother, who claimed to come here to save others and that's all he's going to see philip as being. Someone who wants to save others but just hurts them instead.

He has no reason to know what philip grew up under, nor does he have reason to know philip and caleb's story before they arrived. There's no denying philip did love caleb, and that they were close, but that caleb leaving him behind for witches drove them apart.

I think the problem ppl even have with what titan dad says is purely because the fans take it at face value, because let's be honest, most fans will believe the objective heroes for what they assume over the villians. And since the show again, leaves philip's story vauge, and never puts it in the main focus, people will just assume what titan dad says must be the truth.

Like yes, you can pick up on these details if you are paying attention, but most people won't do that, so a lot of fans will listen to the god telling them what philip's motivations are coming from rather then put together the sense of betrayal from caleb that hurt philip that most of the evidence is actually pointing to.

philip had no parents, and had no one but caleb as far as we can tell, and then caleb left him too, like he didn't want him anymore.

And he left him in a bigoted town, alone.

the damage this could of done if he was a child is pretty darn bad, and for philip to assume this happened because of a witch means reinforcing everything he's been taught about witches.

Caleb lied about his changes, so when caleb sees him again, caleb seems to be a different person, which does fit with what philip says to luz about the isles "Brainwashing people".

tho you can argue that that's not the truth, that philip knows caleb did it on purpose and killed him for betraying him, cause of how he blames him in episodes like FTF.

But again, this is the result of leaving things vague, because either situation is plausible.

it's plausible philip never intended to kill caleb at all and he died as the result of trying to protect eve because the show says he was trying to target evelyn to save caleb, and it's plausible he died on purpose out of philip's rage for caleb leaving him. Because guess what? That means caleb had the means to go see him and could've seen him but made the choice NOT to, so yeah, that's pretty heartbreaking.

again, this also comes into play regarding Philips's guilt.

People objectively keep saying philip HAS no guilt regarding caleb, but we have evidence for both guilt and non guilt.

Now, sure, his portrait of dead caleb implies philip is not guilty for his death based on his expression after the fact. We also have the fact philip shows distain towards the grimwalkers, that he never outright expresses he feels bad to anyone.

But, we also have caleb's death being treated as one of philip's worst memories in KT that he objectively recalls in horror, he says he "Tried" to save caleb in FTF, which implies he wanted to save him and that he's mad he didn't manage to do so. The grimwalkers and caleb could be seen as ghosts, but also as hallucinations, and if you are seeing them as the latter then it makes sense he'd be seeing them out of some level of guilt towards having them killed.

If the show had these details explained more fully, it would be easy to either deem belos as being a murderous dick with no remorse who thinks killing was the right thing, or as a guilt ridded stubborn murderer who wants to not acknowledge he was wrong and screwed up.

it's why people are split, because you could objectively choose to see him both ways and the ending will affect you differently depending on what you picked up on.

But now let's talk about philip not changing, because people have bashed him for not doing so in the 400 years he's been there and that he had opportunities to do so but didn't.

And i think this is half right, half wrong.

Philip came to the isles with biases, he basically grew up in a cult, he came in thinking he was traveling into hell to go find caleb. Caleb encouraged his hatred, and then his hatred got further pushed when caleb seemed to be kidnapped, and then further pushed when he was surrounded by nothing but bigots.

So this man was already on a bad foot compared to luz, who was here to live out the fantasy books she grew up on, and objectively would have no reason to hate or fear witches nearly as much.

And we do know while the BI can be compassionate, it also has it's issues, even luz faced discrimination for being human herself while on the isles. Being powerless there is well, not great, it's why luz had to figure out her own way to do things alongside everyone else.

And the Bi ARE dangerous, especially for humans, so it's at least understandable philip is not going to just show up and look past the flesh eating plants, the evil weather, and the lack of anything he can even objectively eat.

Now philip could of considered things outside of his bias, and made the effort to try and look at things from a new perspective. But we also have to acknowledge that it's not easy to come out of this long time brainwashing either, and that it takes time and help to do so.

And philip, didn't seem to have that.

Yes, caleb grew up the same way, but not only was he older, which already set him up to question things more. But he had evelyn, he had someone to challenge him and his views and change his mind.

Philp, doesn't have that, there is no confirmation anyone ever really chose to challenge his views or make him realize he was following a lie.

Caleb could of but caleb left.

All we see is philip, isolated, following the beliefs he was taught and being hostile to witches, and witches rightfully being hostile back, which just further is feeding into his bias.

You can assume philip had chances to change but didn't, but there's no real strong evidence of that being offered to him either. That any witch ever tried to make him question anything.

It's pure speculation.

Now Philip is a stubborn ass dude for sure, so yeah, we can claim he just simply didn't want to consider it.

But people are claiming Philip was shown help that he didn't take and that's just not true. We never see anyone asking him to do the right thing or making him question things, at least not compassionately.

no one to our knowledge ever did challenge him, or did reach out to him, not even in the show itself.

Luz is rightfully hostile towards him even when trying to challenge him, hunter does attempt to try and come up with helpful ideas but he would silence himself if his uncle didn't like it (Not to mention the existing fact that he is supposed to be a caleb replacement so his existence comes from philip not wanting him to change or question things philip thinks caleb should not), and well....collector giving him a hug isn't gonna do anything at that point to stop him from thinking the worst of the isles.

This is partially because belos has the power in scenes, that if he hears what he doesn't want to hear he can quickly silence the individual and ignore it.

He's basically put in situations where no one is challenging him and if they are, they're usually doing it with distain and he's responding like a dick right back.

So maybe not much could of been done when belos has become emperor, outside of some rare occurrences where he has no choice but to listen or if he was challenged by someone he respected and would be less willing to hurt. Maybe he's too far gone to back out now and has too much power to even allow himself to consider what anyone had to say, even if they did do it kindly and wouldn't face his wrath.

but he was only emperor for 50 years too.

So ok, what about before that?

Well, yeah, maybe there were chances he could of been, but that's a period of time we only see so much of, and none of it shows one way or the other that Philip was offered the chance to improve.

I think had we gotten a scene of philip being offered a chance to do good, to consider things, that he knew he was wrong and still rejected it, it would back up this whole "Philip made the choice to not get better" thing people claim.

but truth is, it's speculation, we don't know.

A guy who spent his life buying into where he grew up and came in with biases that became a cycle of him being terrible and witches reinforcing what he thought isn't just suddenly going to change his mind and be nice now on a whim unless those biases are challenged in a way he can't deny.

it's on him for not considering looking on things outside of his bias for sure, but people seem to think doing that is simple and easy and it's really not.

Philip had no evelyn, he was left with no one but his bias and stubborn mind.

It's like king said back in hollow mind " People don't want to believe they've been following the wrong person their whole lives", and philip didn't have a luz like hunter did to help him realize how wrong he really was.

Instead it got worse and worse.

This is why philip feels real, because this can happen to people, that they can grow up with hate and never receive the help they needed to pull them out of the mindset. So they get worse, they become worse people.

and we can argue philip didn't deserve the chance to get better, but you'll never know if you don't try and we don't know if anyone did try before he was too far gone.

to think all of this could of been avoided if caleb actually spoke to his brother and gave him the chance to change...

Tying this all back to the beginning-

Philip's story ties into luz, they are foils in a lot of ways, but people need to remember they have differences outside of luz being a good person and philip being a bad person. Those differences make them into the people they are.

That luz was set up to love the isles in a way philip was set up to come in with a bias against it.

That it is not as simple as "Philip should of just got better" given what happened to him and the lack of help he had.

That philip never really is objectively shown to be offered genuine chances to reconsider his views on the show as much as people keep claiming so, and it's mostly all assumption at this point.

That so much of this argument over whether he's one way or the other could of been fixed if the show hadn't kept things vague.

By doing so, it leaves a lot for interpretation about him and therefore means people will have different views on what he thinks and feels and therefore will have different views on how his death should of been handled.

Caleb and philip tie into camila and luz, they tie into the clawthrone sisters, they are the basis for the plot of the series, they tie into hunter and the themes of being understood and being honest about yourself and conformity and it is no wonder people care about them.

It is incredibly valid if anyone expecting this story, that tied into the plot so hard ,as well as the themes, was upset it felt unexplained or dropped in the finale.

Especially since the fandom, with an obvious hatred for belos, responded to it by treating titan dad's word as god and simplifies philip's story completely despite everything i just mentioned here.

It is perfectly fine if you are not someone who cares about belos, but the people who do are perfectly allowed to be bothered that the show itself kept the complexity vague and not addressed and none of it mattered when it came to how his arc ended.

And that the only person who properly gives a personal opinion of what he thinks his motives are, simplifies him to being evil, and the fandom roles with that and the show never tries to do much to prove otherwise despite the evidence.

because this is a fascinating story about how conformity and bigotry can drive two close brothers apart and it feels like a story the show should of at least dedicated more of an episode to.

Especially since there's no clear idea if we'll ever get extra toh content to really tie any of this up.

Again, none of this excuses belos/philip for what he did, does, or tries to do, no amount of his life being screwed over and people treating him bad and not reaching out to him will ever excuse the fact he went so far.

But let's also just, not pretend it was an easy fix either, that someone can just....stop believing what they believe with the drop of a hat.

Especially given how this can reflect real people who are made into people like this.

He is nuanced, and people are attached to this villain for good reasons.

Nothing is simple about him, and it's just a product of how the show has handled his character.

[candyskiez]

thinkin about the conversation abt guilt between jon and helen again. and how the distortion realized “i wasnt going to stop doing it so i decided not to feel bad”. and how Feeling Guilty About It never changed anything for jon. it didn’t stop him from feeding. didn’t stop him from hurting people or being rude or abrasive. certainly didnt fix the apocalypse he was tricked into causing. his guilt never helped or saved anyone, and his choice to carry it around with him was mostly for self flagellation purposes. but also it was because he never stopped seeing people as people. even when they were his prey they were people. it’s just. !!!

GODDD YOU DONT EVEN KNOW. SEASON FOUR KILLED ME. SEASON FOUR CHANGED ME AS A PERSON. Grggrgr. God you don't even know. Ok ok.

Jon wants so badly to be a good person but he doesn't want to *get* better. He wants to BE better. Which. I never saw portrayed so accurately in fiction before and kind of felt like seeing my internal organs just. Out there. On the screen. But yknow. He wants so so bad to be good and he has no idea how to actually Stop hurting people and giving up these awful behaviors means giving up the things thatve kept him safe his whole life. His desperate attempts to do better in s4 are often met with rejection, and regardless of how understandable the others actions are (and I will argue it was understandable till the heat death of the universe) it ends up leaving him in this limbo where he doesn't feel like changing is Working. And it doesn't really help that he only tends to actually understand his feelings and other people's perspectives until they've blown up and he can't ignore them anymore. He so badly wants to be a good person but he's kind of just. He's not given up on per say but he's so angry and frustrated about it because nothing he does seems to be good enough or actually seem to improve in any meaningful way.

Ok ok on the note of the actual conversation you brought up. Sorry i got very sidetracked. Jon and guilt is so so interesting because it's embedded so deep in his personality. So much of who he is was fundamentally shaped by guilt and shame. And it doesn't actually fix anything. Most of his actions fueled by guilt or wanting to Repent don't actually do anything good. It partly stopped his whole murder crusade but tbh. There was also other things going on, less just Jon Guilt and more so Jon actually reflecting. It's almost like actually reevaluating your shit is more effective than self punishing. Guilt is so deeply rooted in every aspect of his actions throughout the series and it doesn't make him kinder most of the time. If anything it makes him more bitter and impulsive. But he can't afford to let go of his guilt less he starts just letting himself hurt everyone near him, but it was never actually the guilt that stopped him. He only really started stopping himself from doing shit out of compassion and care for the few people he had left. Guilt never stopped him, but he never let go because he Needed it to stop him from doing worse. But it wasn't the shame that had stopped him, he'd been ashamed his whole life and it actively made him worse. What did stop him in the end was the one person he had left being so furious at him but staying with him anyway, because he loved him.

Also I have Big Feelings about Jon and Helen's relationship and how Jon giving up on Helen was when he gave up on himself but that is a topic for another day. Jonathan Sims the man that you are. Boy why are you so guilt.

[autismsupersoldier]

as upset as i am over deleting my prev account, it has been incredible joy to see how many people reblogged my stuff with "ive reblogged this before and its still amazing" or even people who are seeing my art for the first time. its so lovely, thank you all :-) 🧡🧡🧡 i feel a lot calmer about this whole ordeal.

ok thats the short version of my musings, bit of a ramble below

it was never really about losing my followers for me, or anything like that. though that is also a reasonable thing to be upset over if youre for example trying to sell your art (or for any other reason, actually), but since that wasnt my intention, im fine with rebuilding my followerbase again. i have also noticed that, simply put, it really isn't very much about how many followers you have - what plays more of a role is whether you make fanart that resonates or not. most of my popular posts had more notes than i have followers - hence why i assume this to be true. but all that is to say, the real thing that caused me distress is a lack of archival. i have real bad memory issues, so a big thing for me is being able to archive my comings and goings on the interwebs, so that i always have a bit of a thread linking me to my past self. when a thread like that is lost, its terrifying - i know i am losing months, or even in some cases, YEARS of my past life, that i most likely won't be able to remember at all (yes, it can be that bad). but i think maybe im trying to live with it? yknow... things fall out, more things get put in. its not a good system by any means but its what i was given and i can work with it. i can learn to, at least. theres a reason i even developed such bad memory issues, and that was to keep me safe and well during my Survival Years, shall we put it. so i am not mad at myself, i should not be. maybe its fine to sometimes lose big chunks of your life. who says it has to be terrifying? my brain is just making space for more memories as it can feel our storage running out of GBs, so to speak. im still just trying to make my way through life yknow. im good. sometimes I'll forget. and people will tell me a funny story about myself that i had no idea about at all, ever. and I'll laugh just like them because it's still funny, even if its the first time i hear about it. i dunno. theres obviously bad parts of it and im not going to portray it in an Only positive light, but... im livin with it, n whatnot.

[bismuthburnsblue]

pre project write up: the coat!

ill keep this short (for me) because i worked through most the details with the wearable mockup from last year, but i wanted to reintroduce this project & the fabrics ill be using :)

This is the final version of my winter coat project, which i am starting at a great time (ill probably finish this well after its gotten cold!) Ive started with a base of McCalls M6800, because im not super confident in my ability to draft a pattern with the correct ease for this type of garment. Ive made some minor fittings (far too much room in one of the front seams for me, and i took some volume out of the skirt area. the shoulders were. weird. i honestly wouldnt rate this pattern super highly it had some grading issues that should have been caught, but it serves my purposes) and now i should be ready to go! i wont be following the instructions very much but theyre pretty basic anyway, so ill just go my own way and see where i end up!

this is kind of the inspo if you want a visual!

the main body of the coat will be made out of this gorgeous, velvet like wool (i think its a blend?). In true Nyx fashion, its black and absolutely impossible to photograph. its probably one of the most expensive fabrics ive ever bought but i looked through dozens of options and this was by far the best one i found. im really particular about textures and this one is just, so nice, and its quite thin for a wool (not in a bad way, its just compact rather than fluffy) which is something im going to appreciate with the amount of fabric in this coat.

Next: the lining! given that i was going to all this effort to make my own coat, i wanted this to be a completely unique garment, in every aspect, including the lining. I knew i wanted something with a design on it, and something that was a dramatic contrast to the outside, so when i saw this gorgeous 'chinese brocade' fabric i knew it was the perfect thing. Its very much. not a lining fabric and was past the budget i had in mind for my lining but i didnt see anything that came even remotely close to this in my mind so i caved and bought it. Even a year on im still enamoured with it and hope i have some left over to use for other things! I did get extra of the slippery black satin i used to line the mock up coat and i plan to use that to line the sleeves just for the extra glide, but ill use this for the main body.

one last fabric! one of the changes i wanted to make from the red version was to add a fur collar so i tracked down the softest faux fur you have ever touched! again awful to photograph, but its perfect, and it was by weight, so now i have a huge piece of this :D

i do also want to make note of the buttons i picked! theyre absolutely gorgeous and i, once again, hunted for ages to find the perfect option and here they are! they photograph a lovely colour but irl the gold is a little pink toned so my extra ass has bought some rub n buff to tone them into a better shade. yes. the buttons. for my coat. listen.

im generally happy with my mock up, but there are a few changes i want to make. the obvious one was one that was in the plans from before i even started the red one, which was changing the collar. i wasnt super sold on it in the first place and the further in i got, the more i wanted a fur collar! since i have so much of my fur, im also planning on adding it around the cuffs and i do keep tossing up doing the whole hem but i think that might be a little much.

The other major change i want to make is to how i finished the coat. im actually pretty happy with the hemming method i chose for the reasons i chose it, but for this version i want to do something different. the plan this time is to do a facing in the outer fabric on the lining pieces and have that completely attached through the inside, removing any opportunities for the lining to show unintentionally.

Theres also a couple of minor fit things i want to change, i want to add more width to the back in case this fabric is tougher than my mockup, i want to rethink how i did my buttons because that made me miserable last time, and i want to add a little length to the hem. oh and better pockets! i need to give it my mega pockets. but overall im pretty much ready to go straight into it! im so nervous

[mojavepumpkin]

"so we beat on, like boats against the current. borne back ceaselessly into the past." (cliche, i know but i can't get over that line)

sunday, march 3rd

haven't written in a while, haven't had my computer in a while. left it home when we went to fernandina. it was a good weekend. i was on my phone more than i'd like to have been, the weather was worse than i'd have liked it to have been. still managed to walk 12ish miles, all in all. the weather wasnt so bad when it wasnt raining. cooler than normal, especially sunday. saturday was nicer, walked 9 miles. had a conversation with a man in a silly hat selling free advice. he was nice but i dont feel all that helped, i still appreciate the conversation.

i am disturbed by my lack of preparedness for this literary thing. i have no idea what's going on, what im really doing, who even is running it. oh well, it can only help me i spose. or i could embarrass myself, but i guess i shouldnt get too hung up on that.

i might be getting a new car, or should i say, old truck. which is exciting. this summer. my car is the most expensive out of all of our cars, it was originally mom's and she gave it to me. the insurance is super high, so once we pay it off (in june), we can sell it and get something thats cheaper for me. it just so happens that i have a cheap taste in cars- or trucks. anyway, i hope we'll be able to find a 1998-2011 ford ranger. a tiny little truck for lil ole me.

anyway. im considering deleting youtube. it's tough. it's definitely my most used social media, and i can say 100% that it has made me better and more informed. if you can call it social media. but its also a big "crutch". eating food? watch youtube. getting ready in the morning? watch youtube. cleaning my room? watch youtube (this one is more understandable.)

given it more thought. i will delete it as an experiment. i think i need to learn how to practice mindfulness instead of consuming content every waking moment of my life. i need a book on it, maybe. definitely.

my mind feels very busy at the moment. let me think. the tv is very loud. i feel very hot. my room is dirty. okay. breathe.

what will happen tomorrow? anything of note? not that i can think of, i might make plans. that could be nice. i like keeping myself busy. i wish i could've figured out plans with J today, but nothing materialized - i just went outside by myself. i haven't read very much. but i haven't been on my phone very much. so i guess i've been doing things. i dont have any homework due. i dont have work tomorrow. i should be happy. i need to return a book to the library, and i cant think of anything else i need to do.

tomorrow might be a good day to walk. i'll speak to some folks. i'm trying to incorporate some more southernness into my speaking voice. idk, i'd like to feel like my voice is some kind of connection to the place from which i originate. i tried so hard to get rid of it, now i dont have it all and want it back. thats life.

despite not having known him for very long or very intimately i see a lot of my grandfather in myself. he has become sort of a kindred spirit i spose, for myself. maybe i do believe in the afterlife, i can still kind of feel him. maybe thats the afterlife we get, the feeling we leave with people. even though he isnt my biological grandfather, he was the only grandfather i knew on that side of my family that i ever knew. and now is certainly the only positive father like figure there. maybe all of those parts of him that are in me now are like little shrines i've built so that he can live on. our love of johnny cash, western movies, ford rangers, and straight-edge shaving. maybe i should start fishing more seriously, honestly i've thought about it often. i'd like to go fishing with a buddy. i just need a pole and some know-how, or my friend being the know-how could work too. i love him very much now, even though he is somewhat of a stranger to me. he loved my grandma, i can see that. i read one of their letters and was moved to tears. life is something incredible.

[borathae]

Sooo there is this guy I am talking to and he is really sweet and kind. We started talking last December and it has been good. I think we are kinda dating?? He makes me feel very special and so bubbly inside. He is funny, very attentive to my words. He never made any comment or did anyrhing that made me uncomfortable being alone with him. He means well. I met his uncle which made me super nervous but it went super easily. He makes me very shy (flustered might be better). he thinks I am “innocent” (i bet he doesnt think i call myself Taehyung’s number one whore). II am very okay with him being my long term boyfriend. However, he can get a bit possesive. I try my best not to ignore his very strong tendency to pick up a fight but his friends says he wasnt like this before. He literally a moment away from punching a guy because he hold the huge door at our deparment builng, you know huge old European doors that could smash you. I dont want to judge him solely on his because I know that he has some issus with sharing. And he didnt do anything bad other than this weird incident. Also I dont want to be blind because I have to be careful as a woman. So this is out the way, i want to share another incident.

So the thing is… I am small. I am around 155cm and I weigh around 50kg, maybe 52 with my thick sweaters and winter shoes. And this lovely boy borders 198cm. I dont need to say We look ridiculous together with the height difference. Sometimes i cant hear him because he is so up there.

The reason i told all of these is that we had a moment together that shifted so many things. Despite being bery good friends, we didnt do anything physical than just holding hands very briefly (i look like his kid whe he holds my hand even though i am a year older). So a few days ago, he was sitting on some bench at the corridor at our faculty. He was waiting for me and he was kinda sad. Family problems. I met him where he was sitting and before he could stand up, I hugged him. I know that only a hug could make difference. Please note that this boy is twice the size of me and had never seen me in summer clothes. So when we hugged his face went straight to my boobs. He literally dive into my boobs. And oh boy, he DID NOT expect me to have 90C titties. He held me so close that I felt my breast squeeze and mold against his face and he stayed there for a good minute without saying a word. When he looked up, he was a CHANGED man. He didn’t comment but he went for a second hug, which was waayyy closer to my left nipple but he doesnt have to know that.

I felt very nice. I think i was relieved that he enjoyed it this much. Since then he does try to be closer but our bodies dont work together. (I am all for give me a big boy vibes but this boy is too big. I accidentially hit my head to his elbow. I literally jump off my seat when he sneezes.)

So what do you say? I am scared he has some issues with possiveness but. I really do like him. Should I make him my big baby toy?? 😂

Honestly him acting like that because of someone merely holding a door open (no matter how heavy or light) screams "do not engage romantically" to me. Maybe I'm overreacting but he's first of all, not your partner and second of all, even if he was your partner this is a toxic reaction to have and should not be seen as the norm. Also, third of all, given how you are just friends this makes it even weirder. Never in my life would any of my male friends react to someone holding a door open like that. The only time they would wanna punch someone else is if that person harassed me and even then they would resort to violence as the last help.

And in your case. It's a door. Someone literally just held a door open for another person (and given how you said European door I assume you’re in Europe which means holding doors open for people is just something common that people do lmao).

The thing you should do right now is tell him that his behaviour was toxic af and set boundaries (if you feel safer do it in public where lots lf people are around. Which btw, you shouldn’t ever be so scared to set boundaries with a person that you need to be with other people. Keep that in mind too). If he sees his errors and proceeds to respect your boundaries, maybe all he needed was a wake up call and he IS willing to better himself and he didn’t even realise how utterly DUMB his behaviour was. If he doesn’t or he gets even weirder with you or worse scary, you dodged a bullet and please make sure you are safe.

In my opinion, you should set boundaries about how he acts first before you do anything else. (Even with friends you can have boundaries btw this doesn’t have to be an exklusive romantic thing)

If anyone wants to say their own thoughts to that topic please leave a comment. I personally wouldn’t engage with someone like that romantically.

Edit: Also ask yourself does he make you feel safe or do you simply enjoy that one act of allowing a guy to rest on your tiddies? Because if the answer is "I just like it when guys rest on me" it's a general feeling you have about yourself and not about the guy. And if your answer is any kind of way "I don’t feel safe with him" then you know what NOT to do (aka start something romantically with him).

[jackienautism]

Now I’m really curious about your thoughts on the other counselors. I don’t really have any strong opinions on them much tbh idk why. Maybe it’s the whole “horny teenager” trope or something

(finally getting around to this. sorry for taking so long dfkldg)

yeaaaah fair enough dfgjndg thats exactly why i get pissed off playing the game tbh. it just becomes so convoluted with this romantic whatever bullshit that it gets SUPER TIRING...... but that's ok though bc silas kaylee and caleb need someone to love them unconditionally right?

anywho! i appreciate you wanting to see my other unfiltered opinions on the characters kdfgdfjg bc gosh do i have a lot. especcially for TQ bitches. as i just ssaid,

i AM going to get unfiltered and potentially brutal so if anyone is your ultimate bestie i recommend not reading (abi and laura are safe though of course<3) (mainly because nothing about either of them necessarily irritated me LOL and im easy to irritate)

im going to reference my thoughts on the characters from a note i wrote after playing through like ? chapter 4 for the first time. but honestly not miuch has changed. and just to preface this a good portion of my negative opinions come from the campfire scene in chapter 2 LOL like. when i first played the game i began disliking like more than half the characters here alone

//

dylan: talked about him here (its not positive)

//

nick: i just think hes a prick who doesn't deserve abi 🤷 of course he was given the short end of the stick in terms of screentime, but its kind of funny bc kaitlyn has a similar amount of Actual walk around time and she's there like. the entire game LMAO so yeah that pisses me off. nick has 3 moments where you play as him, and kaitlyn has 5/6, depending on how you separate her section in chapter 10. they both have the same amount of Get To Explore And Walk Around time though, which is a whopping total of one thanks guys. anywho. even before he began acting like a creep i didnt like him lol... and no surprise but it all stems from chapter 2...

long story short, i dont doubt that nick actually cares for abi and likes her but i think in the grand scheme of things it mostly has to do w/ him wanting tits and ass... sort of similar to mike's whole deal... and i believe this based on the bullshit he pulls w/ emma. yeah he says that "tHiS mIgHt NoT bE a GoOd IdEa" and yet he still plays along despite dylan saying that 2 people can kiss AS LONG AS everyone consents. he could've gotten out of the situation. and yet he fucking didnt. i dont care if he didnt realize the consequences of his actions, if he TRULY liked abi he wouldnt have done this shit in the first place. "ive had my moments, im not proud of some of the stuff ive done" DOG YOU JUST HAD A MOMENT AND YOURE NOT EVEN FUCKING APOLOGIZING TO THE PERSON YOU HURT!!!!!! idc if it technically wasnt totally his fault. he still was involved in humiliating and upsetting abi. all he blames it on is playing alonog with emma's plan to make jacob jealous and aside from that just being such a shitty anf fucked up excuse in general, its not even ???? true?????????? GOD. IM SORRY. THE WHOLE SITUATION MAKES ME SO UPSET

//

jacob: as said in my previous TQ / UD rankings... i really flip flop w/ him alot. however im def leaning towards neutral to dislike NGL. i HAAATED his whole thing w/ emma like incredibly so. however. i did feell real bad for him during chapter 1, despite already knowing that he was the one to bust the truck up and keep everyone there another night. i felt bad despite already having a reason TO dislike him. kaitlyn was being mean for no reason. nick and dylan were being mean for no reason. it's just... it's almost like he was being used as the group's laughing stock. but as time went on i just continually became less and less willing to sympathize . hell, he's just a INFINITELY less sympathetic josh... of course seeing him crying and upset in ch 3 was sad, but at this point i don't really know what he expected im sorry. he really dragged all these other people into his bullshit with emma. and it's more than clear how emma feels about their relationship, of course emma wasn't great either with him, but jacob isn't an angel ... EITHER in this situation. of COURSE he couldn’t have known that the night would go the way it does, but it doesn’t negate the fact that fucking up the truck was a shitty move regardless LMAO as said previously, i HAAATe how fucking possessive he is of her. like when nick tells jacob that he could see what emma wantss? and jacob just laughs it off? it's so fucking stupid dog. character wise though, he of course has a lot going for him and i can see why people find appeal in him. especially seeing hwo many stereotypes theyre subverting, in terms of jacob showing emotions and shit. but for me personally, it's a no

//

ryan: my man🤝 even after all this time.... i find him very respectable and i very much appreciate him. similar to my deal w/ abi, even his more "asshole-ish" moments / dialogue choices (aside from a few off the top of my head LOL) are like. justified... and in character... like. him being so pissed off at and wary of laura? like????? laura is my beloved but this random girl just popped out of nowhere, killed one of his closest friends, and now wants to kill what he has of a father figure? like yeah id be acting like ryan too if i were put into his situation LMAO yeah you can be annoyed w/ his actions and behavior, but in context? the way he's acting is understandable and justified. it doesnt DESERVE criticism, because there's nothing to criticize! he's acting as any normal person would! of COURSE it's annoying how he doesn't BELIEVE laura, that's a whole other can of worms, but overall he's allowed to be a pissed off little bitch. and him potentially going against the whole party idea? that line of dialogue is just more in character for him i will not accept any other answer. it makes no sense that he'd suddenly go against chris' word. and it PISSES ME OOOOFF seeing how the game still like ? has ryan show up to the party despite being adamant against it.

ANYWAY.... ppl don't appreciate his autistic swag like i do. "he has no character" "he's boring" TO YOU. y'all rly see a character mainly speak in a monotone voice and rarely smile / show expression and go. yeah he's boring . do you not see the like . connotations of that. like be for real. he’s like. one of the only few genuinely good ppl here lmao and seeing how chris says that ryan is one of his fave counselors and how he TRUSTS him enough to hold all this responsibility + have all these in depth talks w him it’s just. you see what kind of person ryan is just from that. and how so far ryan is the only character (while you’re in control) who’s able to interject whatever bullshit is being said at the moment it just. i’m sorry. he’s just a good guy. i respect how he’s willing to go against the bulk of the group during the whole party or lodge thing. i also respect that he’s willing to put a fucking end to dylan’s invasive fucked up truth question. i KNOW that it all depends on the Player to choose these specific options BUT. they just fit ryan’s character more so🤷 what can i say. fuck everyone else

//

max: my bf (real)

laura: my gf (real)

abi: me (irl)

//

emma: in my original note i said that i was leaning torwards neutral to dislike lmao....... oh have the turns havbe tabled. anywho. i think shes such a stupid dumbass bitch. she's so funny for no goddamn reason. i am shoving her down a flight of stairs. i love her character sooo much. i hate how she acted with jacob (despite most of it being her people pleaser side Showing but, that's a whole different conversation i am willing to have). she's suuuuch a beloved but gooooooood god i draw the line at being such a shitty friend to abi. that's my biggest complaint when it comes to emma and her actions. i understand that she has a moment where she's like "you're my best friend, i need you" and i fucking eat that shit up but almost everything else that happens and happens prior..... just goddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

to get started. most of this is gonna be nitpicky and personal shit, so if you think it's small and shouldn't be addressed, then you're probably right LOL im just ultra sensitive to this sort of stuff due to past personal experiences. ANYWAY!!!!!! you know the little teasy comment emma makes towards abi after you avoid hitting the squirrel? how she's like, "this is her first time asking a guy out like EVER"? it makes me wanna beat her up fr kldfggnfg bc it's like... it's not a thing to joke about... i see sooo much of myself in abi meaning i see her as autistic and that's just. you know how much being autistic hinders those sort of abilities? i obviously can't say for sure but, seeing how abi later talks about people wantingher to interact w/ others better? hence why she went to summer camp in the first place? i'd say that probably isn't too outrageous to think...

and sort of continuing off that same topic, when abi is having trouble choosing someone for truth or dare, how emma is just like. "ding ding ding, my turn!" LIKE. AS HER FRIEND. WHO PROBABLY KNOWS ABOUT HOW MUCH ABI STRUGGLES SOCIALLY. DON'T YOU THINK SHE'D BE LIKE? "OHH ABI JUST PICKK ME" INSTEAD OF HUMILIATING HER? LIKE. BC THERES SOOO MANY DIFF WAYS OF MOVING ON AND HELPING ABI OUT....... GOING ABOUT IT THW WAY EMMA DID ISN'T THE WAY TO GO......... ESPECIALLY KNNOWING HOW SOCIALLY ANXIOUS ABI IS.... anyway. while we're on the campfire scene, it's so fucked why she chooses to kiss nick lmao like ok yeah it may work in the end (potentially) but its still ?????????????? girl you know how much abi likes nick (SUPPOSEDLY) why go about this shit in the most destructive way possible? and what makes me even MORe mad is that. they dont even ever address this scene ever again???? despite it being such a huge and humiliating and probably traumatizing moment for abi??????????? YES they're able to have a more in depth andf heart to heart conversation about their relationship. but its not fucking enough! bc that fucking stupid ass dare and its outcome was the catalyst for the rest of the night's events lmao! imagine beign brushed aside and seen as a social fucking experiment for your entire life. which is something im SURE abi has felt and experienced. and emma, her best friend, LITERALLY CONTRIBUTES TO THAT!!!!!! ITS SO FUCKED AND IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY. i could probably go on about this topic but ill leabe it for a separate post i guess anyway if i were abi id be fucking pissed off and upset

her character means so very much to be like her whole people pleaser and "curate myself to each individual person ive ever met to keep them fromn leaving me" resonates so so much with me and i love it so much. ive talked about this b4 in a previous post but i can only imagine how lonely she feels, acting the way she acts. no one will ever truly know who she is. shes in a constant state of performance. every single person she's ever met has a different perception of her in their head. and, in one way or another, it's all wrong!!!! i love you emma mountebank i love you abigail blyg

//

kaitlyn: i wont even lie i instantly fell in love w her after hearing the INSANE shit she says fnsjfjsnf esp felt it after the “jacob go upstairs. jacob get bag. kaitlyn moves on with her goddamn life” fell in love fr. and her whole stupid monologue after jacob was like "yeah i mean, what did i expect would happen?" SHES LITERALLY INSANE. but. like. i was not and still Am not happy w how she treated abi during the campfire scene though. due to 1. her telling abi to basically hurry the fuck up despite seeing how much she was GENUINELY struggling, and also potentially knowing about her social struggles prior. bc they're friends. right? and 2. just coming up wiht the dare in general lol it was such a fucked up thing to do and as ive said w/ emma, the fact theyre unable to actually jhave a convo abt it later is suuuuper dumb and shitty imo. esp seeing just how upset abi got, and the most fucked up thing is, neither kaitlyn NOR emma seem to show any remorse for it!!!!! that's just so fucked up

anywho. hate how both of their asian girls (emily in until dawn) are characterized as bossy and very. my way or the highway. it’s actually real fucked up in that light. fuck you supermassive. y’all are lucky that these 2 characters are their respective games’ baddest bitches . i SUPPOSE it isn’t THAT as big of a deal in this game bc. there are like. objectively more unlikable characters (in the guys AND girls) so kaitlyn doesn’t stand out as much (as emily did. she was practically written to be hated. bc NO ONE ELSE was as strong personality wise as her. i suppose jess comes close but 1. i think ppl shit on her for other stupid shit anyway SO and 2. she effs off for more than half the game) but it still doesn’t make it ok lmao. bc it’s a trend that is very :/ mmmmmmm. even if it’s not that much of a cliche stereotype for asian women, seeing them write both of their asian girls ALMOST THE EXACT SAME WAY is a bit sussy goddamn baka. went off a bit there lmao. anyway. i’m a weak pussy bitch and after she softened after abi returned freaked out i 😭 i love you. more positive (and NON GUY related) interactions between the girlies please. i literally love her relationship w/ abi so much it's so interesting to me.

and just... to talk about her character real quick, i mmentioned in my tier list that her character frustrates me. and you wanna know why? ive talked abt this b4 but her character is basically a watered down emily davis. and i say this bc. they both overall are the same archetype. except. in kaitlyn's case. there's really no reason for me to like ???? feel bad for her? djjfggkj LIKE. THERE'S LITTLE TO NO SUBSTANCE TO HER CHARACTER.... AND THERE CERTAINLY ISNT MUCH TO FEEL SYMPATHETIC FOR..... i say this bc. almost all the other TQ characters have this moment of ): aw, here's why i should care about and feel bad for you. BUT KAITLYN????? NEVER REALLY OUTRIGHT HAS THAT MOMENT,..... it's almsot like they threw her in there and threw in her characteristics last second.... nothing's really established w/ her. you just. you just keeo finding new stuff about her as the game goes on. like. oh. shes a good shot. oh. she cares about abi. and shit like that. im probably explaining this so terribly rn but hopefully some sense can be made from this scramble. it's just.... thye toook away the interesting aspect(s) of emily'scharacter (her anxiety, her fear of death, her complex to be protected while being fully capable of protecting herslef in times of danger etc etc) and thus gave us kaitlyn. to me she just. she isnt that interesting character wise! there isnt much there for me to grow attached to! people only like her bc shes associated w/ dylan! like shes one of those characters where you sort of HAVE to mold and shape into something that's familiar and Good

re reading htis it really sounds like i don't like her fdjkdg BUT I DO I PROMISE.... i gotta stick w/ my asian girls

//

abi but for real: 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 do i even need to say anything? its like supermassive made a character purposely JessCore or something like that. i like. haven’t gone In Depth abt why i got so fucked up over what everyone else did to her during the camp fire scene but. know that it hit a little toooooo fucking close to home. like. I Could See Me Sitting There In Abi’s Spot and it HUUUUUUURT!!!!!!!!!!!! like ): seeing her avert her gaze and how she was fumbling over her words i ))): LIKE. AUGHH. esp after being asked THAT question? since not sleeping w/ anyone by this age is seen as “abnormal”? i could feel that so bad man ): no one deserves to be singled out like that. esp not a VERY much autistic girl who is pretty clear to be on the “outside” of the group. bc she’s not “normal” or not “like everyone else here” and it’s just. fuck you all fr choke. enough of that. i just. she’s so fucking cute too? like girl i love you so MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! her lil like. expressive noises and shit are so awesome and make me happy fnsjfjsf you only see them like twice BUT. you don’t really see that from the other characters. so basically: stims. autism. yeah. they rly made abi a little TOO realistic nd relatable fnsjfnnsf but ohhhh man do i love her oh so much. after the camp fire scene i was just. she’s my friend now fuck all of you

//

laura but for real: I MISSED HER AND MAX SOOOOO BAD WHILE PLAYING THROUGH CHAPTERS 1 - 6 SKLDDFJDF i was literally so upset and sad seeing that they werent at camp after the prologue. du eto like literallty all of the characters getting on my nerves I WANTED THEM TO COME HOME SOOOO BAD.... AFTER THE CAMP FIRE SCENE EVERYTHING WENT DOWNHILL AND I MIIISSSEED THEM SOO MUCH i needed them back for real. other than that though, i dont have much to say about laura. i mean of course she's my BELOVED i mean look at my user but. yeah! i think about her often and project some anger shit onto her<3 specifically towards travis for specific and personal reasons<3 even if it's not like character stuff or w/e i think about, i often just rotate herin my mind. i love her so much. plus she's literally a combo of emily and sam aka my 2 fave UD characters how could i not love her?

//

max but for real: i honestly dont have much to say abt him? and i suppose he and laura arent /technically/ a part of the other counselors since they never, yk, showed up. but w/e fdfjgndg i think he's neat. i honestly thought he was like one of the only Good Guys of the game when first playing through,. and that still holds true! i still see ryan as a great guy too though. max just seems like such a good partner and guy in general and i love him. don't necessarily think about him much but as i said before, he's my bf (real)

[irlkanamedate]

Trying this again and again with multiple attempts deleted and gone forever all cause i can not put together the words in a way that makes sense or is, in my eyes, remotely understandable. but maybe i shouldnt try to put everything together in a neat manner.

nothing i struggle with is neat or pretty or even comprehendable to people who dont struggle with this. and maybe i just want someone to at least acknowlage this. to just be heard. that and just get shit outta my head too.

From here on out there is just a general content warning for many very heavy topics and unsavoury mentions. Very serious warning.

i also dont want pity or for anyone to go im sorry. or for anyone to tell me how strong i am. i actually detest a lot of that a lot.

Anyway. My name is Aspen. I find it hard to exist. There is something deeply wrong with me i think. a lot just being speculation. Autism, DID, Psychotic disorder, EDS, being *Severely* suicidal. and probably more speculations. but nothing can be confirmed mostly cause im poor as fucking shit and america is a fucking joke and im a visiably asian queer guy living in fucking texas.

I technically was raised good i guess though verbal and phsyical abuse really fucked me up. among another form i dont really want to mention. then just struggling with simply existing. i felt ive always been noted to have something wrong with me since young (not that i can really remember much actually).

I struggled with school, making friends, understanding people, understanding cues. and sometime in elementry school i had a deep paranoid existenial crisis over the thought of death and how that scared me so much i just cried and cried and cried. and it sort of cemented the start of my deep rooted phobia of death. or rather the thought that there was nothing after it.

i held a lot of love in my heart for my mom at the time and the idea that she would be gone one day broke me. and it still does really especially now that im 27 and with a lot more people and things i love. i try not to think about it too much or else i really get thrown into a deep spiral of dread and fear that pretty much paralyzes me.

i still need to check out the things a friend recommneded to me to try and help cope with it.

and ironic enough with the phobia of death, i am deeply suicidal. mostly passive about maybe 90% of the time but still suicidal. i dont even remember when it started. for all i know its been my whole life given i struggled mentally the whole time. so pretty much ive struggled with this.... lingering idea. that gets tossed back and forth of wanting to live so so bad and wanting to die. and being passive about it well usually means i dont act on it. but its still there. its like a version of me thats mirroring everything i do but the only thing it can do is tell me to hurt myself, to end it, to just get it over with. and i guess thats most of my intrusive thoughts really. the urge to hurt myself or kill myself is near constant. and its been hard trying to just manage through that and exist especially in a world where it is already so so hard to just live.

and sometimes it does win. smaller batches of self harm. cuting, starving myself, lashing out at people i care about and ruining the relationship, isolating myself from everyone and jsut getting worse and worse. though sometimes i cant really help but actually want to do worse. i dont really. honestly the worst i have done is really starve myself for a good few days. really not good but hey thats being suicidal and deeply hating yourself does to you.

i do try to make the effort to maage it. games, friends, going out, various small fun things but sometimes shit just piles up and well. theres only so muc i can do at a time. this isnt even to mention the other shit that ends up adding to it.

ive come to realize how... unstable i really am as a person but i never had any realy frame of refrence to what was normal and what wasnt along with getting this idea that im fine and just not trying hard enough really ends up with me having such awful issues that i have no idea how to even handle myself. its so fucking frustrating actually. delusonal, psychotic, unstable mood, rejection sensitive dysphoria, probably some fucking personality disorder. i dont know. there is jsut something wrong. i just want to live. i just want to not struggle anymore.

theres people i fell out of touch with. or ran from, or jsut driven away or blocked. and i am so. deeply sorry. theres some now that i honestly cant muster anything to keep in touch because im scared. i miss my friends. im trying and trying but god theres so much. and i just. ended up with the habit to run cut it myself so it doesnt hurt as much. not that it doesnt hurt a lot but. man.

i feel myself losing steam on this and im not really making much sense. im going on tangents and its hard to really bring it all together.

but no matter how much i try, i just dont seem to get a break. not much of one really. i still try regardless but i am so tired.

im so god damn tired.

this isnt even to mention the fucking bastard that keeps living with us cause my mother is too fucking nice to just. get. rid. of. him. i shouldnt have to suffer years of his ass basically tormenting and harassing my mother and being an angry self entitled piece of shit. i shouldnt have to have had my hand broken becuase he got high and drunk and had a bad trip and was threatening to kill my mom. i shouldnt have to suffer living in the same house as a man to fucking threatened to rape me. who shows no respect at all to my mother and fucking laughs at her when she gets angry or gets aggressive. honestly sometimes i feel like it is better to just fucking kill him now than deal with any of that or anything else he has done anymore.

no surprise hes the reason for a lot of my recent really dangerously bad spiral where i really did consider just ending it all.

i am so tired.

i still kinda want to end it.

i still am scared of interacting with most of my friends again. im scared of reaching out to the ones that i havent spoken to in a bit. im terrified of fucking it up and hurting my partner all cause im so stupidly unstable and just unable to hold everything together.

and how pathetic it is i cant even make a call to a psychiratrist all cause im so violently incapable of making a call cause i hate it to the point it phsyically hurts.

not to mention the usually struggle with doctors also in not bothering to actually make effort listening to me.

not to mention inablity to work cause of being disabled and unstable.

i am gods favorite clown cause my life is a fucking joke.

but ill still try. to at least keep living. even when i hate it some days. even if im deeply suicidal nearly everyday.

cause i still have my cat. i still have some friends. still got games to finish and movies and shows to watch. ill still hate living sometimes but i really cant help but be in love with life.

i guess thats all i have to dump out of my head. cant think of anythign else to complain about.

[pikawarrior]

Welp welcome back to my random rambles im just gonna talk bout alot of random stuff mainly my stories so here for go lets hope this is understandable

Story/maybe comic stuff

Turning of the orange | The Strawberry Patch - Old soon to be remade/written stop motion strawberry shortcake zombie movie me and my dad were making when i was in elementary schoolish. We unfortunately didnt make it that far since he had to leave often and for long times cuz work, but recently i found my old tablet with all the pics and my notes so rework time baby. Im about to use all my years of angst/horror writing to fuck these bitches up even more

The Butterfly Effect and It's Consequences | The Phoenix Effect -

The Butterfly Effect is my main rottmnt fanfic series. About my little rottmnt oc's (Ame) life and how the gang adopting them into the family changed everything mostly for the better but the bad things kinda got alot worse. Idk been focusing on the phoenix effect more

The Phoenix Effect is kinda an extension of that. Its basically the same thing but adds the cass apocalypse series into it. Basically how future Ame being there also changes things and how oopies mystics powers are hard to control after being half dead in stasis for about 12 years hope Ame does trys to leave to protect everyone from himself only to get kidnapped putting everyone in worse danger also oopies isnt that the super dangerous alien someone accidentally freed awhile ago

The Future Diary - So i watched The Hot Box's video on the anime future diary and well here we are

Another rottmnt oc thing. Ame obtains a diary from his future self being like "hey so the world is gonna end soon here's how i think you could possibly stop that. Pls dont do this all alone ur like 5" and ame decides to do it all by himself.

Got all eight chapters planned out already with two already at stage two (aka fully written out just needs to be edited and stuff). I just dont know how to use ao3 in this sense or how to tag stuff plus i got anxiety so its just sitting in my notes app

Video stuff cuz yes

Currently working on a few more special videos. On my channel ive technically reached 100 videos (i unlisted alot of old ones/never posted a bunch more so technically i reached that months ago but shhh let me have this) plus i got 135 subs now so celebrations are in order. Idk what to say bout this, am making a video using the ok ko ending song idk the name, one is a fake collab a friend made and another is an original meme a youtube mutual/friend by association made. Plus like so mant mini things for my ocs, Dimension and Watcher are gonna get so much development and cute couple moments.

Also everyone else is gonna go through so much trauma my gods its gonna amazing.

Also ive been trying to like voice things, audio quality sucks cuz im working off of my tablet but like ive voice a few of my own videos (only one posted) and like its so fun i wish i had proper stuff to do this so i can do it more

Other art stuff

I got a toyhou.se (its EnviousDeath), pls enjoy these characters and stuff

Im trying to make my art more mess and chaotic while staying clean? If that makes any sense. Still a lover of doing gacha stuff but am trying to branch out more.

Also btw how do people just idk do social stuff like trade characters, comment, and just aaaa idk what am doing i forgot how to do social stuff and also i never understood how to do this type without being awkward as hell

Character stuff

Watcher - *slaps religious trauma onto them* bitch gets sacrificed. Okay okay so Watcher, wasnt always Watcher. Before they used to be Ena a simple kid who was sent away for reasons i havent thought of yet to a church. Blah blah corruption, Watcher gets sacrificed for not falling in line blah blah they were saved and given a second chance.

Dimension - *slaps alot of anxiety and identity issues onto her* bitch got issues. Same as Watcher, Dimension wasnt always Dimension. Before she was Ellie a poor girl hated by her whole town because of the lies their mother spread about them and their father who had left years ago. She only had one friend, Watcher. Somehow they managed to make contact with each other despite being in different universes. Eventually Dimension snapped and went on a killing spree, slowly ripping apart her world in the process because this wasnt supposed to happen (think spiderverse canon events but different ill explain later) with her world crumbling around her, Dimension messages Ena one last time, not knowing Ena was already long gone, and accepts what they assume to be death only to fall into whats basically the anti void from utmv, gets corrupted and became a villain technically more of a multiversal criminal.

(For time and length reasons im cutting this segment short)

Multiverse stuff

OKAY TIME FOR WORLD BUILDING

How does what happened to Dimension's universe work? The way i explained it is like spiderverse canon events but different, but heres the details. Idk how to explain this but bare with me

Imagine each universe as a game in a folder on a computer. Each game has different code, story, art assets basically all are mostly different.

Most games are coded to have very specific story events and when something goes wrong everything breaks. Like take a spaghetti thing of code that shatters the moment you try to do something like trying to talk with an npc while having a status effect and thats how some of these worlds are like. And Dimension's was very much one of those worlds, and her breaking down like that shattered the code of their world and everything fell apart.

Im too tired to continue but my main multiverse is like one big computer own by a game creator who only sometimes knows how to make a stable game

Feel free to ask about any of what ive just ramblef about am always willing to ramble bout my stuff

[dogmouthhorse]

um. extended thoughts under the cut.

hi ummm. this is genuinely one of the worst things i have seen in a long time. genuinely baffling. i dont think i have anything positive to say about the actual product? whenever i try to think of something good i realize that its a sort of hypothetical good? like how the watson seemed gay but i dont think the actor or anyone else on the team knew that? plus once he spoilers i guess is presumed dead and holmes sings a whole song about love at his funeral i felt like a tiny speck of hope. until he say down and was like you were like a brother to me :( um so. and i'm not the type to think that having lgbt characters makes something good. but i would've genuinely thought there was something redeeming about it if they were gay at the end but. not so‼️

also god just every aspect of it was. i mean to be fair amateurish. but also just deeply deeply soulless and dull and uninspired. i genuinely almost said we couldn't watch it after the first song was a grating hamilton copy but we persisted! and it did not get any better for the rest of the show! every time a song would end i would forget how it sounded and when the next song came along i would be surprised bc the songs were so forgettable i had even forgotten it was a musical at all? the choreography was childish the prop use was insufferably hamilton inspired as well the rhyming schemes were sucking lmm's dick every second. just every song impressively bad.

and the soulless feeling extended to the acting as well! there were 2 people who really felt even somewhat engaging and they were moriarty (who i wish wasnt there) and a chorus member who had a brief role as a cab driver. moriarty at least had the good sense to make facial expressions and try his best to breathe even a modicum of life into the material he was given. the cabbie was just sort of vaguely charming to watch with at least some energy to him? he seemed like he wanted to be there at least. um but the main cast. every moment down to holmes weeping over watsons death made me feel only a vague frustration. like all it could elicit from me was an eye roll? bland line reads with seemingly no understanding of the characters.

BUT LIKE. on the note of no understanding of the characters‼️ i know this is a big claim and i know it comes down to recency bias. this is one of the worst interpretations of sherlock holmes i've ever seen and i genuinely think it might take first place. just rude with no purpose but also completely humorless in the attempted comedic rudeness. pretending to forget a random working class woman's name is both not funny and not how he operates? he has always been a character that at his heart cares about people. he want to help. and people who are rich and haughty and unjust are far more likely to directly receive anything more than some snippy boredom from him than anyone else. so what's the motivation here? he's just a complete husk of a character who everyone keeps repeating that he has no friends which is, first, not true, and second, deeply childish and boring. he's not a my little pony character he's a catty autistic queen! his bad manners come from both his moral compass and him being gay and a bitch. <- ik some of this lends to personal interpretation but like come on. he doesn't get along with his brother which im so BOREDDD of seeing his deductions are either surface level or untrackable nonsense and there's this horrid line in the opening number about how if you cross them you'll lose your freedom? which is such a baffling misunderstanding of how he works? his work is first and foremost dedicated to 2 things. one being his boredom and need for stimulation and the second being people. both in the individual and society as a whole. he does not respect the police and he does not care if you do a crime as long as it's either harmless or justified. he broke into a house watched a man get murdered and then destroyed the evidence that would get the murderer caught and left. he's not anti crime or something?

also the plot itself was just frustrating and dull and meaningless. it felt like every scene was written in isolation and character motivations were confusing and unconvincing. why was moriarty an accelerationist. he's a mob boss where is this idea coming from and how do you plan to back it up. the second i knew he would be there i was bored and frustrated but the reality was even more grim than expected. like i truly felt bad for the guy playing him. the material was genuinely beneath him.

also like. 1 milliom minor gripes like watson not knowing how to use his cane and his status as doctor being brought up exactly once and his disability disappearing whenever convenient and the boring choice of making it black and white and the weird anachronisms like everyone using first names when it's super inappropriate except for one our of place exchange where they use holmes and watson and then ditch that within the same scene and that guy saying xavier emphasis on the x. anyway. genuinely appalling piece of art. thank you.

hi i just watched sherlock the musical and it was genuinely so bad this hour 40 video took us 3 and a half hours to get through bc we had to keep pausing to talk about how bad it was 😭

[startrekin-it]

Post top surgery tips

As of posting this I am one month post top surgery- most of this was noted down within the first fortnight of my operation. I know there are plenty of these posts floating around but I figured I would add my own experience and advice to the mix ✌️

Do not be afraid to ask for help, and stand your ground on your limitations after surgery

For some people this may not be an issue but for me i have always struggled to ask for help- if you have just had top surgery you physically do not have the capacity to do everything yourself. PLEASE ask for help as and when you need it. ESPECIALLY concerning your work life, should you go back to working soon after

No heavy lifting. In fact avoid lifting anything heavier than your blanket or a tablet.

Take any medication particularly pain medication offered/prescribed

You may think- this pain isnt too bad, i can manage this pain. Firstly, you are lying to yourself. Secondly, you should not ‘have’ to cope with pain. The goal is to heal and rest in the first two weeks and for that u need to be as comfortable as you can be.

Depending on the pain medication given you can run the risk of becoming constipated- so please ensure you have some laxatives or something to assist you- and start taking them regularly following your operation along side this pain medication. Do not wait until you are constipated this will cause you a world of pain.

PILLOWS: pillows and cushions are your best friend. If youre like me a front sleeper, or even a side sleeper, the healing process is going to be hell on your sleeping pattern. I cannot recommend constructing a little pillow fort around you in your bed enough.

Remove the possibility of rolling over and your comfort will increase whilst trying to sleep. [Update: I am a month post op and i still would not risk laying on my front yet but i can comfortably lay and sleep on my side]

Just because you can get a T-shirt on does NOT mean you can get it back off again.

I pulled one on without thinking when i left the hospital- and it wasnt until i was home and ready to go to bed that i realised i was stuck. PLEASE if you do not already have any stock up on button up shirts, or borrow some for the time being.

Just because you think you feel fine does not mean you are ready to walk around for extended periods of time

I went for a ten minute walk from the bus stop 4 days post op thinking it would be fine. I was not fine it felt awful which brings me onto my next point…

SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. If you have bandages/bindings around your chest slow your walking speed down.

I am a fast walker and that was FULLY half of my problem and why such a trivial walk for me hurt so much. Walking fast. Public transport. Anything that will jolt your body suddenly may cause you to feel a stinging pain.

Honestly after a week and a half I was feeling pretty good. Good enough to go back to my campus anyway, and other than not being able to carry too heavy a bag I was all good.

My only major advice is to listen to your surgeon and any after care they suggest- and dont feel uncomfortable about reaching out to them if you have any concerns about how you are healing or you are having any problems. Eat your veggies, drink plenty of water and make sure to keep moving around once in recovery✨

God speed, and although this was not an extensive list its all ive got to offer.

[ @wrathofbones good luck for February, im sure it will all go fine- and I hope you have a speedy recovery too]

[sylusjinwoon]

{ 02 }

- when he protects you from a nightmare -

yuta okkotsu x fem.reader

notes: i can't write or stick by any dark content after all 🥺 honestly i deleted my last imagine because it seemed so icky of me to paint yuta in such a dark manner. as an apology and a palette cleanser, have something fluffy instead.

yuta was always known to be a light sleeper, even during his time at tokyo jujutsu high, he often filled his nights with restless daydreams or just simply by scrolling through his phone.

so when he feels the bed jostle with some movement coupled with the sounds of whimpering, yuta immediately opened his eyes.

it takes him a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, but once he was able to see clearly, all he saw was you curled up into a ball as your body trembled with sobs.

running solely on his desire to protect you, to keep you safe, yuta quickly picks up your form and whispers your name

he keeps kissing at your forehead, threading his fingers through your hair as he begged you to open your eyes.

after what feels like eternity, you slowly woke up, confusion painting your features as you take in his concerned expression, "hey baby, are you okay?"

as if recalling your nightmare, you cling to yuta, hiding your face within his chest as he softly comforted you.

"it's okay, it was just a dream."

it was then that you tell him how it felt so real, how you dreamt of him dying during a mission-

how you never saw him again, and that it felt so real to you that you cried in your sleep over him.

with his heart in shambles over your pain, yuta holds you even closer to him, whispering to you, "i'm here, i'm where i will always be, and that's next to you for the rest of my life."

even without telling you, he knew about your fears pertaining to your nightmare all too well, experiencing such a loss firsthand when he was too young to understand the severity of his actions.

"sssh, my love don't cry anymore. you know i'm strong enough to always come back to you. i wasnt given the title of a special grade sorcerer for no reason, you know."

he watches as you sniffle a bit, glistening eyes revealing themselves to him when you move your head away from his chest for a brief moment. "do you promise to always come back home to me?"

"always."

he presses a kiss to your lips, tasting the saltiness of your tears as he thanked every god in existence for bringing you to him.

he always thought he would be alone, that he was too cursed to receive the proper love he needed to flourish.

yet here you were, completely enamored with him since the first time you had met him. your feelings remained unchanging even after so many years had passed.

here you are crying over the thought of losing him-

and yuta had never felt so loved before in his entire life.

so with you settled back into his arms, allowing the gentle sounds of his breathing and steady beat of his heart lull you back into a comforting sleep, he feels your body slowly lose its tension

you end up cuddling even closer to him as you pressed a kiss over his chest, "thank you, yuta...i love you..."

"i love you, too. now sleep, stay in my arms like this and i'll keep the nightmares away forever."

luckily, he was able to keep his promise of warding all the bad dreams away as you fell into a peaceful slumber, with soft dreams pertaining to your lover's comforting embrace filling your mind as you smiled in your sleep ♡

extra notes: ive been caught in my yuta feelings again after listening to jjk 0's opening on repeat.

all stories are written by rei; reposts, translations, and plagiarism are not allowed.

[cryptidofthekeys]

Ah

Well guess that gives me the incentive FHGDJKFJDK- so yeah I had a ‘lucid’ dream with the big man himself, the big fucking bastard-

Trigger Warning: A SLIGHT bit of gore

but uh yeah again, very iffy with the lucid term on this but uh- I’ll try to describe it the best way I can? Also gonna get a read more bc it’ll be a bit lengthy

--------------------------------

So uh, to start off with I was in Boys n Grills- like near the back section of it essentially- I remember I was about to head out a doorway into the main like DINER area n shit- but before I could- Bob comes through the doorway and to give a better picture of this, it was v e r y much- like a irl kinda thing? like he didn’t look realistic, he still looked- like- uh...

----------------------

2D? i-is that what ya call it? jhfkdldj either way, it was all the spooky month style essentially but I was like fully in it, looking around as myself cause usually my dreams have a camera pov- no this was all me looking around so first thing to note, we all know hes a big fella right? Yeah uh lemme just say, to say hes a big guy is kinda an under statement to me now

...His hand was probably bigger than my entire fucking face ngl

but either way- my point is-

This man is fucking HUGE, im a big person, not in height- oh god no lmao im 5′5″ but im a fat dude,, this man dwarfed me not only in height but weight too jfvdfksdds but he was taller than the fucking doorframe, he literally had to somewhat lean down to come through, it was like looking up at a skyscraper

-----------------------------------------

...okay m-maybe that is a LITTLE bit of an over-exaggeration but my point is, man was fucking h u g e and dwarfed my ass in more ways than one- oh i forgot to mention hjfdkjdks he WAS in his devil costume- ya know, signature red turtleneck, face paint, horns, etc-

--------------------------------------

I can’t remember if he spoke or not, tbh i was,, actually pretty fucking terrified i remember that- he was grinning also like usual- he started advancing toward me and i just kinda,, started backing away- neither of us spoke or said anything- but eventually my back kinda hit a wall

--------------------------

and fucking hell he’s not only a huge dude he’s strong as HELL,, picked me up with one hand like I weighed NOTHING and slung me over his shoulder, I remember fighting, hitting at him, etc but i can’t remember if i said or anything or screamed or cried i feel like i might’ve??? but that detail’s blurry-

anywho-

oh yeah btw THE O N E AND O N L Y redeeming pro of this entire thing was that he was actually really soft and warm but other than that, he fucking reeked- he smelled of blood and death and i mean given he’s a cannibal ...fair enough-

--------------------------

He started carrying me to the back fuckin dead by daylight style- carrying me to the room with the meat hanging up (it smelled like raw meat obviously ...eugh the smelling part and the feeling parts were the most HORRENDOUS btw) and that’s when I realized something...

...He’s carrying me to a hook

---------------------------------

I remember fighting even harder but that did nothin to this fuckin- slasher mfer- so i got carried to a hook and put up on it- like- it was on the right side of my back- before it could possibly get any worse though i shot up in my bed, grabbing at my back- bc keep in mind y’all, I could see, feel, smell, and hear things

meaning i could feel the EXTREME pain that was going through my back

-------------------------------------

after waking up and scanning my room in a fucking panic i realized ...oh,, just a dream, there wasnt a hole in my back either but ...it did still kinda get MUCH LESS bad pain but still phantom pain throughout the day

--------------------------

So in conclusion, I can tell y’all, meeting Bob in my ‘lucid’ dream if you can call it that-- was... While I am excited bout it now a day later hjfdkjdska bc holy fucking shit my first dream like tHAT- where i could feel, hear, etc things ya know? ...But man that shit hurted-

....Overall, 0/10 would not recommend meeting him tbh- It was incredibly terrifying to see him like I would see a person in an irl situation- meaning THAT close to me-

----------

oh also i did also write this in my first story with him so i guess y/n’s friend is giving me karma apparently via ‘lucid’ dream? lmao i mean i guess deserved

[driflew]

beholden outlines and notes

i got a review on beholden yesterday who pointed out its been, yknow, well over a year since i updated the fic. obviously those of you following me here know ive been writing other stuff, and so it shouldn't come as a surprise that im not rlly planning to go back to working on it

why? other than getting into another fandom, i honestly just wasnt really happy w how the fic was turning out. i loved s1, but s2 i just wasnt liking as much. and as much as i was excited for how s2 (and the fic in general) would have ended, i just couldnt get myself to keep working and Get there. besides that, i started beholden on quarantine, and when class/work started up, i simply didnt have the time to write so much. beholden was already 70k. to finish would have probs doubled the length, and that's not time i could dedicate

as such, ive decided to post my outlines/notes for what the rest of beholden Would have been if id ever gotten to finishing it. this is, i guess, my final sendoff for beholden. here's every doc / outline i had guiding my writing of this fic

ill say in advance this fic was a mix of plotting and pantsing, so not everything in the outline is completely fleshed out. but the main beats are there, esp in scenes i was more confident about

...these also weren't meant to be viewed by anyone but me, so they might be sort of confusing/under-explained. il add a bit of commentary/context when i can

first, here's my detail on how the rest of season two would have gone:

NOV 3: Jordan Kennedy statement

toll his Knowing and rereading old statements

talk about Peter! self-isolation as a way to 

1. Ready himself and his friends for his death, by not being too deeply attached, 

2. Keep peter and elias’s attention on him rather than his assistants, 

3. Get peter to agree to yeet any threats into the Lonely, to keep his marks low

Dust to Dust. michael shelley is there. implies jon might have known abt the tapes all along and they could very well be the secret?? 

does this implicate michael in gertrude’s murder

Tim and Martin have an argument at flat while the three of them are listening to tapes. 

Jon has been guiding, but Tim worries he may be guiding Away from the truth (paranoid)

Martin worries Tim is so focused on finding Jon’s secret he’s getting distant from Jon. 

They’ve been listening to tapes at Martin and Tim’s whenever possible. 

martin’s tired of it! hes doing work at home basically, and tim’s kind of erratic now that hes got the idea in his head jon might be a monster. it worries martin too but he knows that even w the shit jon pulls he IS their friend

sasha’s gonna have. Thoughts abt the Michael thing as well, given Michael and Jon clearly have some kind of shared past / understanding

something something… Michael talks about a shared past, Jon about reverting the Change… they both worked with Gertrude…… Gertrude and Jon reverting “the Change”??

but what the fuck is the Change? what “changed”??? why did they need to undo it? why do only they remember it? do they need to prevent it from “changing” again?

could she talk to Michael?

WHERE DID THIS PLOT COME FROM 

Group intervention, 

Martin trying to make them stop being so suspicious of each other. Gearing up for the “if we were all happy would that be so bad” bit

DEC 1: Daisy drops by in place of Basira to give a statement / talk to tim. Jon half avoids this one bc 1, not feeding on a friend, 2, daisy will Kill him if hes noticeably not human (esp since she figured it out thru him changing in her dreams last time)

asks Tim about the nathaniel thorp statement. she wants to see it. 

looked back into the guy. he wasn’t named nathaniel thorp, but its been a long time. she’s not about to rule out a fake name

JAN 7: Tessa Winters 

WHAT HAPPENED IN CANON:

tim and jon argue

martin tells jon to fix shit w tim

not them encounter in the tunnels

talk to elias

JAN 25: Caroline Gorka

Jon takes this one. hungry

jons on his isolation arc

FEB 11: Maxwell Rainer raid

Feb13: Melanie statement 2

Tim bumps into in the library while researching and asks her abt what she’s been researching. she talks abt the notThem, and the table, and the statements Jon has given her copies of. Tim frowns and tell her that they know where the table is, it’s here, why would Jon lie about that… unless…? they decide fuck the library and fuck work and just leave

they do some research into jon’s past. Tim, Melanie, and Georgie go thru Georgie’s old pictures, but she doesnt have any (messy breakup… she got rid of most of it). talk abt the sudden personality change, etc. 

Tim decides that he must have changed. they talk abt how there’s usually someone who can see the difference, and Tim decides that since it isn’t any of them, it must be someone else in the institute. he asks around about what people think Jonathan Sims looks like, and “rosie” pauses before describing a complete stranger. tall, close-cropped hair, broad shoulders. and then this strange short man came in and she assumed they must have fired Sims, since he really wasn’t qualified, and hired some other Jon…

and that’s it. that must be. jon’s dead and this thing replaced him. 

Feb 16: axe to table

Tim calls Daisy, since she has experience killing these things. Melanie and Georgie decide to help—Melanie bc she was researching them, and Georgie bc that was her friend. Basira tags along too. Tim tells Martin and Sasha that they should come w him (without explaining), and to not tell Jon. rosie is more than happy to let them thru to artifact storage.

they all go, Tim explains that Jon is NOT Jon, and he’s going to prove it. then he turns around and puts an axe through the table

Jon shows up and is like. rosie wouldn’t let me in please tell me you didnt break the table. and Tim is like its too late, you bastard Jon-killer! 

chaos. 

dunno how this bit goes BUT 

shouting match in which they both talk abt rosie, and Martin realizes that rosie has been replaced

daisy attacks Jon and he panics, sending her to the Lonely as per the deal w Lukas. thats a problem! but also this fic equivalent of the buried

notRosie attacks, and the rest of them escape. idk how. Jon gets them to the tunnels probably? barricades them in the archvies? they deal w notRosie somehow. 

Jon has to come clean! its time t explain everything!

this might be a separate chapter. end on a cliffhanger and then in the new chapter Jon must explain….

new exposition dump chapter! here’s everything Jon has to explain (or not explain)

he is a time traveller, sort of, having sent his own memories back in time

he knew all of them (and daisy). all of them died. the world ended. he’s here to prevent it

probably toes the line between “it was my fault” and “im on your side.” yes he caused their deaths. no he doesnt want to cause them again. everything he’s done has been to stop those deaths from happening again.

explains he had to hide it because of Elias. probably explains how serious he is about this by explaining how he blinded himself to keep things from Elias and the Eye

…which leads him to explain shit like the Eye, the entities, the rituals, etc. 

which is a great lead-in to the Unknowing!

stresses repeatedly that he’s being honest, he’s telling them a lot and he’s willing to admit everything, but keeps two things to himself: he and Martin dated, and he’s going to kill himself in the Unknowing

...and that would have been s2! i was really excited for the not-Jon thing, but never got to it.

anyway. i also had these two notes at the end of the doc as things to consider in my writing of jon's interactions with Sasha and Tim

“sasha is jon’s favorite, theyre probably comfortable with each other”

“jon’s got stronger memories / more memories of tim hating him than tim being his friend, thats gotta be weird for how he feels about tim”

speaking of Tim, i ALSO have a doc specifically for guiding tim's arc. sasha's arc was mostly me rolling with the punches and working with what i thought she might be able to figure out, but Tim i had the beats planned more directly

TIM PLOT OUTLINE

peter lukas props Isn't human, jon Is helping him

jon is doing other shady shit, helping michael (also not human)

jon is very pointedly guiding them towards the unknowing but not saying what he knows or why

research avatars and learn ppl can lose their humanity / become monsters.

combine melanie's info on ppl replaced, like the notThem

horrible conclusion: on either was human and isn't anymore, or really isn't jon. were they ever even friends with jon?

(worth noting: if Jon truly was replaced when his personality changed, then all their moments of being genuinely close came after that. the person he is close friends with is not Jon. its the thing that killed Jon. the realization he “never actually got to befriend Jon at all” is going to do weird things to his heart, im sure)

(remember the table? tim can compare notes having seen it w melanie, who has been looking into the notThem) (statement info plus it now being revealed

jon is hiding shit from melanie as well) maybe have georgie in here looking for polaroid images or tape recordings of jon from college, which she can't find. no way to confirm he is who he's supposed to be

basira and daisy.…... basira can tell tim and sasha she's sectioned and that daisy believes Jon isn't human

AS FOR THE REST OF THE FIC...

when i started writing beholden, i plotted out the entire fic. i did s1 in detail, and s2 and three in... not a lot of detail. when i started s2, i made a new doc and more detailed outline, which is what i showed above. as i never got to s3, the s3 outline is... not super in-depth. had i made it to s3, i would have fleshed it out more, but alas. anyway, here's what i had:

Everyone knows MOSTLY whats up. 

There needs to be trust building! rights for jonmartin?

Jon plans to kill Elias after the Unknowing. Hes barely human, his friends are okay, and if they destroy the institute after his death, there shouldnt be any danger. In getting htem to trust him he accidentally forgets this means theyll be attached to him and wont Want him to die

elias now has to go on the offensive to get jon marked. Entities jon needs to be marked by still: buried, dark, desolation, end, flesh, hunt, lonely, slaughter, stranger, vast

At some point in this season, they have to find out what Jon’s real plan is 

FEB 17: starts. Does anything need to go here? Jon isnt on the lam. I guess re-bonding. Since most of them thought he was guilty of murder. Less “heres the past i remember” and more direct talk on his actual plan (but vague on how he plans to do the actual killing). can explain that hes not any more human than elias is. Also that they cant just Kill Elias or else it will kill all of them, but jon has a plan (that he cant tell the others, bc elias can read minds! Thats def why he cant tell them the plan)

APRIL 24: jude perry. If Jon wont go to her, Elias probably needs to bring her to Jon… oof. I think Tim is gonna get hurt by the desolation. 

Im putting the confrontation w elias here. Elias probably Knows what Jon is planning (or at least that hes planning to kill Jon, but not how) and Jon demands to know why the others are hurt. Learns Elias doesn need jon alive or to be The Archivist, it can be anyone, and elias isnt afraid to get a second one if he has to

APRIL 28: mike crew

...probably Simon this time, since Elias i think could get him to visit the MI anyway

Also I want to vaporize simon fairchild

Which i guess means jon avatar moments, which i want/need anyway

Unknown date: jon gets kidnapped by the stranger. Helen kills Michael simply bc i like Helen more. i will find real justification for this by the time i get here, probably

Coming back from being kidnapped is rough for jon bc he hasnt Known in a while or relied on his powers too much but, uh, hes starving

Assistants helping jon manage his inhumanity, which is uh… a tense issue, im sure. But theyre more sympathetic bc they like him more and also he did give up his humanity for them. having several anchors will make it all easier to manage

JUNE 29: is in the USA, is kidnapped by Trevor and Julia. Probably gets a Hunt injury here, since hes clearly not human, 

I think the fact jon had to leave the country to do this alone for some reason right now while theyre preparing for the unknowing stuff raises questions. Why cant this wait until after elias is dead??

before the unknowing, Jon records a tape explaining that killing the archivist means everyone else will be freed from the institute, to be listened to after he kills himself in the unknowing. He lists elias’s weakness of being in the panopticon, mentions leitner in the tunnels may be able to lead them. its a goodbye tape, saying sorry for lying about this last thing, and this is sort of his penance for killing them and the world. he can die instead this time, satisfied with saving the rest of them and confident they can finish out the rest of saving the world now that hes helped them survive and given them the tools to take down Elias. fic equivalent of testament, i guess?

AUG 6: plant explosives at the wax museum. They dont actually have to detonate during the unknowing, since the ritual would fail anyway, so? They can probs just blow it up right before while the circus is in the building getting ready, without getting Strange

I think same crew as canon go. Since theyre not waiting for the actual event or anything and are going beforehand, these were the ppl who knew how to set up the bomb and all

Jon plans to tell them he’s on the other side of the building, watching for anything that might come out and escape to kill it. He’ll text tim when hes there and tell tim to detonate. (

Jon actually plans to go inside, sit down w a bomb, and tell tim to detonate w him inside. So he’ll die and they’ll be free to kill elias

(he still wants to give Tim the option to get revenge on the circus, and sort of Still feels like. yknow, if Tim detonated it on him once, it'll be fine to do it again)

(will be fun to have Tim and Jon talk afterwards abt how Tim feels about Jon planning to use Tim to kill himself)

Sasha listens to the tape Jon left, figures out its jon’s suicide note, and calls tim immediately to stop him from detonating. She doesnt listen to the whole thing, just like. enough to hear the tone of jon's voice and Realize. Tim and Basira go in to stop/help Jon

and thats season 3! as i said, not particularly fleshed out. it def needed a lot of work, and besides, i wanted to flesh it out more when i had written more of s1 and s2, since i think its easier to do once you know what's actually on your page. but. didnt happen, clearly.

...you might be looking at these bullets and thinking "wait, wasnt there a bullet point about sending daisy into the lonely at the end of s2? where did that plot go?" and the answer is: it didnt exist when i started plotting the fic, but it was added later. i hadn't yet fleshed it out fully, but it would have worked similarly to pulling daisy out of the buried. i hadn't yet decided when to pull her out or whether the person o do so would be Jon or Basira. Jon would have gone and had a similar moment as the coffin where they bonded over losing their humanity, while Basira it would have been similar to the s5 plot line in which Basira had to take a long hard look at the stuff she allowed daisy to pull (since, yknow, you need to See someone to find them in the Lonely). i hadn't got far enough to figure out the details, tho, but figuring out what to do with daisy was something i found... particularly tricky, considering her character

ANYWAY. in addition to all this, i had, uh, a whopping THREE bullet points for "season four," which was basically rolled into arc three

They need a new plan to kill elias and i have no fucking idea what that plan is

Nvm. gertrude was gonna blow up the institute so thats what jon will do. Hes strong enough to survive and everyone else will be able to w the institute gone

...burn employment contracts? So they dont all die?

...that was all.

another thing i had decided (but not written down) while working on s2, however, that i didnt want to do "season four" and that i wanted to end at the unknowing. my plan was that id figure out what to do when i got closer to the end and had more information on what had transpired in fic. i think my vague plan was essentially "once they find out Jon was going to sacrifice himself they make him Not and do some shit to take the Institute down in that moment, based in the idea of destroying the institute."

one thing i wanted to do what play around with the fact the eye canonically favors Jon over Elias/Jonag and the fact that the lives of the assistants are tied to Jon, and see about burning the institute to weaken jonah further. if Jon was more powerful/favored, perhaps he could supercede jonah's power and thus, when jonah died, the lives of the institute employees could be tied to Jon instead? or something? i wasnt sure, esp w Jon being less favorable/weaker in this fic than canon.

the ending bit i was excited for was the unknowing, and everything that came after was just sort of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

.....well! that's everything, i think! not all the way polished, but these were the ideas i had for how beholden would have gone. i also had two scenes half-written for the next chapter, and a random scene of flashbacks written on how the original cast died (written before daisy died in canon). i might post that as well, like, later

if you've read this far, thanks for still being interested in beholden! i cant express enough how grateful i am for all the support i received on this fic, including the fact that im receiving comments on it even now. it was a lot of fun to work on, even if i dont plan on finishing it. i hope seeing my notes, however patchy, helps you get a bit of closure on how this fic would have gone!

and, finally, if you'll allow me to be a bit silly: i love you, Beholden. sorry for never getting around to wrapping you up, but im so proud of you and grateful to you for existing. youre the most writing ive ever done in a single piece, and im thrilled to have you to show for how much i can get done if i really put my mind to it