#it was the worst in assassins quest in the first series

[curiousserpent]

listen, i stand by my assessment that robin hobb is a really good writer (especially when it comes! to pacing!!) but by the gods her tendency of repetitiveness is really THERE in this book.

[anzulvr]

korosensei does this haunted house thing and makes class e go in it, the reader is really unamused so reader and karma work together to scare the crap out of korosensei

i've seen videos where people hide and reverse the roles in a haunted house instead of being a victim, i think it would be hilarious to see that with a stoic-ish reader and karma

Haunted - Karma x Reader // THIS THING DELETED TWICEE //

- End class had been completely transformed back into an abandoned looking building, much like its original state but with more of a horror factor. Korosensei went all out with Halloween decorations. He'd tried to set a few students up during the last school trip at the abandoned caves he called the "test of courage". It didn't work out, but second times a charm? He'd at least get one couple together this time.

The goal of today's "lecture" was to find a way out of the end class building without breaking any windows. Korosensei mentioned it would test everyone's problem solving abilities as assassins in training. First pair to successfully find the exit through a series of side quests, riddles and puzzles each got two free strikes at Korosensei's tentacles.

The catch? Everyone had a a rope tied around their wrist to a partner. Every move made meant your partner would be right beside you. You got stuck with Karma. You suspected it was not likely by coincidence.

Karma is very cute, but he's also the second worst classmate to be tied to. (First goes to Okajima)

“Karma will you stay still for one minute? You’re bruising my wrist!”

"I'm trying to reach the envelope on the ceiling, will you jump at the right time?"

"There's an easier way to do that."

You yanked the rope on him making him stumble over to you, you brought out a desk together and he was able to use it as a stool.

He opened the envelope and read it to you, "If you found this note go to teachers lounge to look for your next assignment.”

Hint: Keep your eyes out for something four-legged that cannot walk and has a back but no front.

You and Karma headed over to the designated location when you bumped into Rio and Okajima who looked like they wanted to kill one another.

Rios eyes softened when she looked at you. "[Name]! How's your search going?"

"Well we found a-"

Karma put his hand over your mouth before you could tell them about the note. He's not risking his win. "It's going boring, but we do need this room to ourselves, ya mind leaving?"

"Oh you want to be aloneee? Okajima get moving!"

Rio pushed him out the door. "Why couldn't I get stuck with Kanzaki..." "IM THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE COMPLAINING YOU..." Their argument got quieter as they left the area.

You looked back at Karma, "She definitely got the wrong idea."

"Yeah I wouldn't kiss you in this room."

You glared at him, "Solve the riddle before I choke you with the same rope we're tied to."

He mocking stuck his tongue out "Four legs, doesn't walk, it's obviously a chair [Name]! This is too easy."

He turned to get the envelope stuck under one of the chairs.

"Let's read it in the hall, the lights in this room are acting up."

You turned the handle but the door wouldn't budge. You started shaking the door harder hoping it would open. Karma chuckled, then he tried to open it himself and it wasn't so funny anymore.

"Do you think this is apart of the test or are we stuck?" You ask Karma.

He grinned "Change of plans, If Korosensei comes in here I'm going to need you to act possessed."

"I agree we've got to teach him a lesson on not playing Cupid or whatever but how do I do that?"

"Act crazy? Like you normally are but with more enthusiasm and growling."

You snatched the letter from him, "I'll read it."

Instructions: Close the blinds, then hold your partner's hands, chant your names in unison three times... the spirit you summon will lead you to the next step.

Holding Karmas hand while a spirit, Korosensei came to scare you two? It was clear He was trying to get you to cling onto the guy, you could only wonder how many classmates fell for one of his cheap tricks already?

Your question was quickly answered when you heard a girlish scream that sounded eerily like Maehara. Atleast one!

You chanted your names with your hands knitting together the lights completely went off in the room, you braced yourself for what would come.

Korosensei flew into the room and busted the door, you noticed his weird costume as he stood right in-front of you reciting cliche warrior dialogue you could've swore you heard in some movie Karma made you watch a week ago, Sonic Ninja something.

Without missing a beat you twisted your back and hands and started charging backwards towards your teacher, Karma had to crouch weirdly and run at the same time to not drag you down.

Korosensei sped out of the room yelling, about ten seconds later he was back with a set of candles and who knows what else to try to exorcise you.

By that time you and Karma were laughing trying to pick each other back up after you hit yourself on the ground because he stopped running and accidentally yanked you back.

Karma pointed down at Korosensei's wig which fell off when he flew out the class "Was he wearing a powdered wig?!"

Neither of you had noticed Korosensei made it back because of how much you were laughing. Karma ran his one free hand through your hair and face as if to check if you were hurt. It was weirdly gentle for how he usually is. He was casual about it, his confidence made moments like these feel completely natural and comfortable no matter how rare they were.

Maybe the haunted house didn't go exactly how Korosensei intended it to, but this was a sweet enough outcome.

"Nufufufu…"

"Korosenseiii, you ruined the moment!"

Karma laughed softly "That was a moment?"

You headed straight for the door.

"[Name] I'm still tied to you slow down!"

When you refused to listen he tugged back on the rope and wrapped his arms around you.

“Alright, I concede it was a little bit of a moment.”

[arvale-artist]

✨]|I{•⤜⟶ ⚔️ARVALE⚔️ ⟵⤛•}I|[✨

ARVALE is an old Game Series series with 5 games:

[🌿🗡️] Journey of Illusion (RPG - FREE - PC)

From gardener to guardian, JOI follows the story of Duncan Forsythe, who has been chosen by 'destiny' to be the new Brave Hero of Legend... It seems like a cliche fantasy story at first, but there's much more than meets the eye.

You can watch a Let's Play of the game here!

[🏹⏳] Ocean of Time (RPG - FREE - PC)

Torn through time, OOT follows the story of John DeMenchev, who has been blackmailed into finding artifacts that allow time travel... and subsequently ends up fighting false gods and saving the world. You get to explore Arvale once more, but this time through different periods of time!

[☀️🌙] Short Tales (RPG - No longer playable)

AST tells the tale of 5 different characters!

Varju the Druid, who seeks to regain his memory and save mother nature. Tabys the Assassin, who embarks on a journey of revenge and to find his long lost brother. Koden the Warrior, on a quest to save his wife and uncovers secrets about her true past. Lotus the Mage, persuing to become a magician against all odds with a powerful Fortune Teller as her mentor.

Beylord the Vampire, trying to regain his reign through violent vengence, but is halted by an old friend...

Abandonware, only playable on Pocket PC.

[🫂🔮] Treasure of Memories (RPG - Paid - Steam - PC)

You can watch my Let's Play of the game here!

A direct sequel to JOI! Here we are met with many familiar faces, this time assembling together as a group to embark on a new (and sadly final) adventure to uncover the secrets of a strange and corrupting material, as well as exploring many new places to learn and discover more of the world of Arvale!

Unlike the other games it uses art reminiscent of classic RPG maker graphics, but the writing and music was done by by the original legend, Jaybot7!

The game can have lag issues, but there’s a way to solve it: Open game properties → Select Compatibility Mode: Windows XP (Service Pack 3) → 16-bit colour mode → Run this program as administrator → Launch game from the program folder, play in windowed mode.

[⛏️💎] Melonchi Minecarts (Puzzle Game - No longer playable)

Taking place mostly in Melonchi, home of the dwarves and gems! Here we meet Duncan and DeMenchev again. Duncan, who experiences the consequences of his actions in Melonchi from JOI, and DeMenchev trying to test his theory about the origin of dwarves. It also introduces Grwyth, who has to brave every dwarve's worst nightmare and become the new jewel master.

Abandonware, only playable on Pocket PC.

Arvale is very dear to my heart. It inspired me as an artist and it saddens me to see this world be forgotten and succumb to internet decay. Thus I post and make art about it, to shed some attention and to show my appreciation. I also make videos about it.

[kyzveryown]

A part of me wants to see what Fairy Tail: 100 Years Quest is about but the fact that I don't like the series (for various reasons) is stopping me. Fun fact: I used to like Fairy Tail at one point. This was years ago though. What killed it for me was the increasing disappointment I had after rewatching it a few times (it was still ongoing at that point) and later reading the manga to the very end. You don't realize how bad something is until you start to recognize all of it's flaws, and the flaws become so apparent that it's impossible to ignore.

The worst part is, it never got better - it got worse! The story's pacing and writing, the endless abuse of the Deus ex Machina (a.k.a "ass-pull") trope, constant character assassinations, underutilized characters, inconsistent power scaling, repeated plots, fake-out deaths, abuse of the power of friendship shit, ridiculous battles (see: Erza vs. Kyoka), unnecessary arcs (Edolas arc), etc.

I couldn't take it anymore. So, while I am curious about the anime, it's hard for me to get past my disappointment of the first series. If I do decide to watch it, best believe I will talk about it here.

[hrodvitnon]

To me the funniest Dragon's Dogma incident was the fight with the Gorechimera (the black chimera that heals). So when the goat casts heal, it restores the body's HP, but not that of the individual heads, so when the goat and the lion are both low on HP it can cast heal repeatedly and get the body health back to near full.

Which then led to this scenario (not exactly a glitch I guess?) where you finally kill the snake, the lion and the goat heads: but the Gorechimera still has HP and is still running around aimlessly but with all the heads dead it can't really attack and the snake is just a flaming stump while the lion and goat dangle limply like they've had the worst hangover ever.

Guess the goat head picked a bad time to heal spam!

Now I need to share my most recent and absolute favorite Dragon's Dogma Incident. Buckle up for this series of unfortunate events...

I'd recently picked Dark Arisen back up to see how far I could get in Bitterblack Ilse before DD2 released and streamed it once or twice on Discord. Since I was running an Assassin with the intention of killing Death for a quest, thought I'd venture into the final stretch of Bitterblack. How bad can it be, I ask myself, I've bested a Gorecyclops, Garms and Elder Ogres, Evil Eyes, a Lich and multiple Cursed Dragons for Dragonforging purposes. How bad can it possibly be? Ah! So naive.

Rotwood Depository? Manageable, once the weakness for the Wraiths is sussed out, and minor heart attack from the Eliminator aside. Completely manageable.

I enter the Forgotten Hall for the first time and begin to pay for my hubris immediately.

DEATH SPAWNS.

I literally scream "OH SHIT!" into the microphone with what felt like genuine fear. Fortunately I'd saddled everyone in the party with Demon's Periapts and explosive arrows for the Assassarisen, promptly buff up and volley them into Death's nonexistent face like a living, panicking hwacha as fast as I can loose them. Death exits. Panic fades. Now to deal with the Lich and his gang of Resident Evil Medieval AU zombie cosplayers.

Okay... that happened. No big deal. Nobody died or was sent to the Rift. We can venture on, I still have curatives and support items aplenty. The Eliminator was once terrifying as well but now I can end that son of a bitch rightly without too much trouble! We're fine!

We were not fine.

The next area of the Forgotten Hall has Corrupted Pawns, Sirens, and not one but TWO PRISONER GORECYCLOPS. I decide to try being sensible and snipe the Pawns and Sirens at a distance, demanding my own Pawns stay at my side because I know they'll attack those giant damage sponge bastards at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately, the Fighter Pawn in my party must have developed Dragonsplague a game early because that motherfucker started CLIMBING ONE PRISONER GORECYCLOPS. NO. WHY. GET DOWN FROM THERE YOU'RE GONNA GET US KILLED OH GOD OH FUCK IT'S FREE FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK ME SIDEWAYS TILL I CRY

I stay in a corner as far away from the rampaging monstrosity as possible. The Sorcerer Pawn in my party, usually very useful and ready to drop meteors on a goblin's head for seemingly committing the sin of existing, is constantly knocked out and requires reviving. I can't just let the Rift take her, she's useful, but the One-Eyed Engine of Hate and Death has a fucking vendetta against her in particular like he's a regular basic-ass ogre. It takes a long time to kill the one. It was probably just several minutes, but it felt like an hour.

Okay, I decide, forget the other Prisoner Gorecyclops, we're gonna find the next rest area to recuperate and get the fuck out of here. Fuck this room in triplicate.

SUDDENLY

THREE GARMS

THE GARMS RELEASE THE OTHER GORECYCLOPS

NO NO NO FUCK EVERYTHING FUCK THIS FUCK THAT FUCK YOU I AM NOT CONSTANTLY REVIVING MY SORCERER'S ASS FOR ANOTHER FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES LIFTSTONE ME THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE ASSASSARISEN OUT BITCHES

I imagine poor Olra's confusion when the Arisen lightshows back to the Harbor with her Pawns and just fetal positions into the rest area like she's Medieval Shinji Ikari having a complete breakdown.

[themculibrary]

BAMF Phil Coulson Masterlist

A Direct Phone Line to a Mob Boss (ao3) - lilyfarseer clint/phil E, 13k

Summary: Clint, in a quest for coffee, accidentally stumbles into a mob turf war and saves a mob boss named Nick Fury. Fury gives Clint an IOU in the form of a cell phone with instructions for Clint to call if he ever wants to cash in a favor. After a decade of unfortunate events, Clint accidently types, "I want to be happy". From there, a strange number of things start occurring, starting with a text back of "Understood", and followed by a series of strange happenstances. Then there is that really handsome guy whose apartment he accidentally crashed into with big blue eyes who sometimes asks Clint, "Are you happy?" Which really, what exactly is Clint supposed to say to him?

Clipped Wings and Bared Teeth (ao3) - NinjaWolfBaby clint/phil T, 21k

Summary: Clinton Francis Barton, unknown orientation and unknown shift, is a walking human disaster.

But he's a deadly one, and Phil Coulson; Alpha and Epicyon shift, is sent to either bring the man down, or recruit him. Recruitment of course being preferred, but if that should fail... The man needed to stop interfering in Shield's affairs. But when he keeps evading every single tracking team Shield sets out... Phil needs to take a more hands on approach.

And then the wind shifts, and what should be impossible by any legal and moral standing of the word, is suddenly in front of him, lengthened eyeteeth and eyes narrowed with their pupil's blown wide. An AlphaOmega....

Da' Bomb (ao3) - cakeisnotpie clint/phil T, 2k

Summary: The Avengers appear on the Hot Wings Challenge, thanks to Clint's boredom, and something good comes out of it.

Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet (ao3) - sirona clint/phil M, 18k

Summary: "That little shit," Jasper snarls, throwing himself in the seat across from Phil in the mess hall, glasses slightly askew and eyes sporting that look Phil has come to associate with a certain specialist recently collected into SHIELD's fold.

Don't touch him (ao3) - awesome_goddess_of_mischief phil/tony M, 3k

Summary: After Phil's death, the team moves into Stark tower to keep bonding.

Tony is wearing himself thin trying to honour his husband's last wish, for the team to be together.

But it's slowly starting to become too much.

The team bullies continuely. Until one day the genius breaks. Luckily there's an unexpected guest ready to put the pieces back together again.

Everything That I Meant in a Minute or Less (ao3) - sincerelyyourstruly clint/phil M, 29k

Summary: Assassin-for-hire Clint Barton has been harassing newly minted senior agent Phil Coulson since he was eighteen. When a figure from one of Coulson’s first operations comes back to haunt him, he’s going to need more security than SHIELD can offer.

Good thing Coulson has Clint’s work number. 1-800-shootme

And good thing Clint has Natasha’s work number. 1-800-widowed

Extracurricular Mayhem (ao3) - viklikesfic (v_angelique) clint/phil, clint/phil/steve E, 7k

Summary: “How did you know about me, sir? That Nomad was me, and that I…?”

“I’ve studied your fighting style extensively.”

“Yeah he has."

(Steve, Clint, Phil, vigilantism, and murder kink. Whee!)

Funny one (ao3) - Kjam clint/phil M, 1k

Summary: Clint gets tortured for information, and he tries to hold on until Phil comes to his rescue.

Not a Soldier (ao3) - SailorChibi T, 9k

Summary: When a villain kidnaps the team and demands sex in exchange for the team's freedom, the obvious choice to offer up is the person who has the most experience (and the worst reputation).

Unfortunately, Tony didn't actually consent.

Our Favorite Morons (ao3) - Crematosis clint/tony, phil/loki T, 3k

Summary: When Clint gets himself captured and Tony's rescue attempt goes wrong, it's up to Loki and Phil to actually rescue their favorite disasters.

Second Time Around (ao3) - ArielT, NickiB clint/phil E, 21k

Summary: A year ago, Clint and Phil went undercover as a couple to stop a human trafficking ring and finally admitted to their feelings. Nine months ago, they broke up. Now the trafficking ring is back, and Fury wants them to reprise their roles. Will the masquerade work its magic a second time?

Show me the baby (ao3) - lilyfarseer clint/phil M, 22k

Summary: After an international incident forced Phil Coulson into an extended vacation, Phil decides it's high time he actually uses the apartment he's renting in New York. When a pregnant woman on the run stumbles over him and gives him her baby to protect, Phil vows to do just that. Unfortunately, it seems there are some very interested people looking for this baby, and they're willing to kill to get their hands on it.

The Creation of Strike Team Delta (ao3) - accidentallyonpurpose clint/phil T, 11k

Summary: Phil Coulson was a collector- his mint condition Captain America trading cards were proof of that. It only followed that he’d widen his scope to include damaged, emotionally repressed super heroes.

Or

How Phil Coulson became the Keeper of the Avengers&Co

The Space Between Feathers (ao3) - thegirlgrey clint/darcy T, 60k

Summary: All Darcy wanted was 6 college credits and her iPod back.

(That's what she wanted, but not what she got.)

Whosoever Holds This Hammer (ao3) - MiladyDragon clint/phil T, 2k

Summary: “Thor. May I have a moment?”

It was a perfectly polite question. Clint had heard it often enough, aimed at any single one of the Avengers at some point after they'd become a team, and it usually meant someone was in trouble.

It was just that Phil was holding Thor's hammer when he asked it...

[tomorrowedblog]

Thursday Releases for December 5

Friday is usually the busiest day of the week for new releases. Not this week though. For some reason there a bunch of releases on a Thursday. Whatever. Thursday Releases for December 5 include Creature Commandos, Jentry Chau vs. The Underworld, Fantasian Neo Dimension, and more.

Creature Commandos

Creature Commandos, the new TV series from James Gunn, is out today.

CREATURE COMMANDOS tracks a secret team of incarcerated monsters recruited for missions deemed too dangerous for humans. When all else fails… they’re your last, worst option.

Jentry Chau vs. The Underworld

Jentry Chau vs. The Underworld, the new TV series from Echo Wu, is out today.

As her 16th birthday approaches, a not-so-average teen rediscovers the fiery powers she’s long suppressed and is forced to face her demons — literally.

Black Doves

Black Doves, the new TV series from Joe Barton, is out today.

When a spy posing as a politician’s wife learns her lover has been murdered, an old assassin friend joins her on a quest for truth — and vengeance.

Beastars S3

The third season of Beastars, the TV series from Shin'ichi Matsumi and Nanami Higuchi, is out today.

Following the battle with the culprit who devoured his classmate at school, Legoshi decides to drop out and begins living alone at Beast Apartments. Louis has entered a prestigious university and resolves to face his father, Ogma. Haru also deals with many struggles as she tries to enjoy campus life. Meanwhile, the city sees an increase of devouring incidents. The fangs of the heinous criminal who is pulling all the strings begin to close in on Legoshi and the others…

Fantasian Neo Dimension

Fantasian Neo Dimension, the new game from Mistwalker Corporation and Square Enix, is out today.

Embark on an adventure to discover your memories and save the world from a mechanical infection. Maneuver your skill trajectories during battle, and dive into a new dimension with a unique twist on a classic RPG experience.

Uncle Chop’s Rocket Shop

Uncle Chop’s Rocket Shop, the new game from Beard Envy and Kasedo Games, is out today.

On an asteroid-bound service station in an unfrequented space lane, Wilbur carves out a paltry living as a mechanic, repairing as many ships as he can to afford the ever-rising R.E.N.T payments to his corporate overlord, Uncle Chop. Where most of his customers find meaning in pastimes like worshipping deranged space gods, feeding random crap to a sentient black hole, endlessly digging for The Treasure™ or mentally enslaving donut shop workers, Wilbur lives a more humble life, fixing the galaxy’s ills one broken ship module at a time.

The Hole

The Hole, the new game from BOBER BROS, is out today.

The Hole is a first-person horror game that explores the cracks in domestic life. Your neighbor’s drilling starts the nightmare, but the holes reveal dark secrets far deeper than any wall could hide. No cheap scares, only disturbing reality.

Overthrown

Overthrown, the new game from Brimstone and Maximum Entertainment, is out today.

Lift and throw anything as you build and manage your kingdom in this chaotic city builder for 1-6 players. Harness the power of your soul-stealing crown to defend your citizens from bandits and mutants, farm the land, and gather resources. Keep citizens happy or see them desert you!

Behemoth

Behemoth, the new game from Skydance Games, is out today.

Skydance’s BEHEMOTH is an original story set in the Forsaken Lands, a fallen kingdom haunted by tragedy. Play as an outland warrior, Wren the Hunter (the player), and embark on a perilous quest to save yourself and your village. Your only hope is to slay the unslayable, the monstrous Behemoths.

Marvel Rivals

Marvel Rivals, the new game from NetEase Games, is out today.

Marvel Rivals is a Super Hero Team-Based PVP Shooter! Assemble an all-star Marvel squad, devise countless strategies by combining powers to form unique Team-Up skills and fight in destructible, ever-changing battlefields across the continually evolving Marvel universe!

Mythwrecked: Ambrosia Island

Mythwrecked: Ambrosia Island, the new game from Polygon Treehouse and Whitethorn Games, is out today.

You’re shipwrecked on a lost mythical island. As backpacker Alex, you must befriend the forgotten gods of Greek mythology and restore their memories. Explore the dynamic island and its story sandbox to build new friendships, solve the mystery and save the gods.

The Thing: Remastered

The Thing: Remastered, the new game from Nightdive Studios and Computer Artworks, is out today.

The Thing: Remastered is a faithful restoration of the cult-classic 2002 third-person survival horror shooter game inspired by Universal Pictures’ genre-defining 1982 film, The Thing.

[iinafarawaygalaxii]

Assassin Creed | Valhalla : Freyja’s Promise

Assassins Creed Valhalla | Eivor Varinsdottir x Vili Hemmingston

PHEW!

Guys Ive been super excited for this one. Assassins Creed is one of my all time favorite game series in the whole world. Valhalla is one of the best with the WORST romance ever. Eivor Varinsdottir is a Queen who deserved way more than she got especially with her childhood sweetheart Vili Hemmingston.

I got to say, I wish Ubisoft did more with their relationships as it was the PERFECT set up for a storyline outside of the main quest. But thats okay, thats why we fanfic writers exist-

To create what hasn't been.

Please enjoy my rendition of what was to become of Eivor Wolf Kissed, post finishing the game and how her life unfolds

Side note my E key is broken so... If you see the error, I deeply apologize lol.

And before you continue. A friendly reminder that my page is dedicated to those 18+ So minors.... go.

Enjoy!

Fic Summary: Eivor has become Jarl Ravensclan and England has been pacified. With whats to come of her future- she does not entirely know. But after the infinite amount of visions she's had over the course of her time in England, this is one she did not expect. For this difficult path she is due to follow... comes more than just glory.

Prequel i : The Prince and a Legend

Summary: Alas! Eivor Wolf-Kissed is now Jarl of Ravensthorpe- operating independently from any king in any land and the first to do so but with all the 'Jarl' things to do, attempted assassination wasn't on the list. After an attack on herself and the village including other allied lands, an Althing was called for the Kings and Jarls in the North, East, and Western territories of England where a new, unexpected, destiny awaits her.

Warnings: Blood, Gore

Rating: SFW

WC: 2.2k

Notes:

*Drengr- in old Norse means 'Warrior'

*Skalds- poets/storytellers

*Althing- assembly allies to discuss the state of territories

*Hugr- mind/consciousness/soul/thoughts

-----------------------------------------------------------

The air was sodden- heavy with mist in a fog like state with only the rushed prints of Eivor's dire wolf, Aseir, filling the void as they ride towards Jorvik, the Capital of Northumbria as a whole. Though the forrest laid quiet, it was highly unusual in these parts of Eurvicscire to be so silent-Knowing the creatures that stalk this land and the enemies that hide within it , shows her wariness was not misplaced.

Upon reaching the flatlands of snow that incapsulated the Capital of Northumbria, she started picking up rustling in the bush line traveling along side her, instinctively slowing Aseir down to see what was amuck. Though, even after the short pause and quick gander... everything was still irritatingly silent with nothing but shadows of bushes and trees casting in place.

* snap *

A branch broke in the distance- She's learned well enough what that meant. Eivor peered down to her wolf who growled low, positioning herself in a defensive position as a menacing warning for the ones watching to step back. It made the young drengir wonder what was lurking about as she took one final scan of the area before scoffing- taking a frosty breath and whipping the reigns of Asier's harness to continue along the road to Jorvik at top speeds...

Until the sounds picked up again.

"Synin...", She sent her raven through the fog, channeling Odin's gift of foresight to scout the trail ahead and to, not her surprise, sees shadows of people who were heavily armed, littered along her path with axes and bows in hand. Ready for the din of battle as the sun boarded the horizons, inches from its reveal. The goal?

To take care of them before the light graced this land.

A small grin emerged on her face as she readied her axe, throwing her hood over her head and leaned in to whisper in Aseir's ear to keep running before jumping into the brush line of the trees above- hiding her presence in the thick fog. Arrows started flying towards Aseir who continued running down the trail directly to Jorvik leaving the dull minded assassins unaware of her location. No doubt from the fog as they continued chasing the wolf down the path to pin its rider.

That was.... until they realized the wolf was riderless.

Before they had the chance to realize what that meant, she had already spilled the first blood of this newly made grave. Stabbing the perpetrator through the chest with her gift from the hidden ones while throwing an axe into the next- and in a flash.. peeled her axe from his flesh as she continued giving the mysterious men a taste of their own medicine. She used the fog to her advantage and Odin's vision to detect those nearby, felling the assassins one by one with a blur-volley of arrows. A single shot to the head or chest, an instant death.... and something she was most well known for.

With 6 men down, the other assassins had -finally- caught on that half their troop disappeared, calling for retreat. But before they had the chance to fall back, they too had joined their brethren in death. Bodies dropped within 2 minutes since she recognized their presence. 2 minutes and the sun had finally made its debut- giving light where there was none, only to illuminate the 12 men who were now a memory.

Thats just how deadly she was.

Eivor, the Wolf-Kissed, a storm of steel and a weaver of words – so the skalds sang, and their tales weren't far from truth. Truth Teller, Honor Keeper, King Maker and Killer, Hero to all - a tapestry of titles woven with blood, victory, and glory. These accolades, she thought, should have shielded her from this. Perhaps, in another life, they might have even drawn a different kind of attack, one she could anticipate. But here, with shadows lengthening before the Althing, the ambush left her with a single question: who dared challenge the legend?

Eivor surveyed the aftermath, the rising sun painting the battlefield in an eerie glow. The fog, once a shroud, began to dissipate, revealing the fallen warriors. Each body, a testament to the brutality of the recent conflict. She stalked amongst the dead, a silent predator collecting the arrows that had claimed their lives. The metallic tang of blood hung heavy in the air, a grim souvenir of her victory.

A flicker of movement caught her eye. On the periphery of the carnage, a faint whimper pierced the silence. Instinct flared, and Eivor surged forward, her hand instinctively reaching for the hilt of her blade. But the sight that greeted her wasn't another enemy, but the remnants of the attackers, their fight thoroughly extinguished. With a flick of her wrist, she dispatched the final whimpers, ensuring a swift end.

Silence settled once more, broken only by the mournful sigh of the wind. A shift in the air, a subtle change in its direction, sent a shiver down Eivor's spine. It carried a faint whisper – a premonition of death. This wasn't their first attack, and it wouldn't be their last. Her focus, however, shifted north. Whispers of Jorvik reached her ears, a new threat demanding her attention.

To say there was danger would be an understatement.

Eivor circled the battlefield, her gaze lingering on the fallen. Near the large boulders where the fray had begun, a figure lay sprawled in the snow. From the man's garments, she recognized him as a leader, most likely their captain. Cautiously, she approached- scanning the surrounding area for any sign of movement. 'No need for unnecessary theatrics', she thought, her hand resting on the hilt of her hidden blade, giving the man a kick before exploring his gear and there she found a blood soaked parchment unable to read due to it saturation.  Though the words she could make out.... made her eyes go wide;

'Kill the leaders of Mercia-......-The prophecy has warned us-......-Wolf Kissed-..... -Ragnarok-....'

"Your king...", Eivor mumbled finishing off the remainder of the letter as she took a minute to think about what she could've done in the past to anger such a clan, though the conclusion she came to proved that this wasn't going to be a one time thing. For someone had given a prophecy that puts her life directly in danger. Which meant... they wouldn't give up until she was dead.

Thats when she peered up to the rocks above on instinct....

Seeing a bone dressed man with a bow pointed directly at her, releasing the locked arrow aimed for her head. The worlds speed slowed as Eivor reached for her axe, hearing the wobble of the reed approach but was too late- it was already inches from her with not a single move or defense she could do to survive. She closed her eyes and attempted to move out of the way, leaving her life in the gods hands only for the arrow to be shot down by another.

'Two attackers?',

Eivor's mind raced. Adrenaline surged as she scanned for cover. Spotting a nearby tree, she launched herself towards it, her hand instinctively reaching for her bow. An arrow nocked on the string, ready to fly. But before she could loose it, a figure erupted from the undergrowth. Vili Hemmingston, a whirlwind of steel, leaped onto the rocks above, engaging the remaining attackers. Relief washed over Eivor, so sudden it felt like a physical blow. With a grin replacing the grimace etched on her face, she relaxed her grip on the bow. Her gaze fell on the lone assassin facing her, watching in disbelief as Vili dispatched his comrades with ease.

Showing no mercy.

"Giving up already, Wolf-Kissed?", Vili Hemmingston, the newly minted Jarl, stood atop the rocks, his form a silhouette against the rising sun. In one hand, he clutched an axe, its dark stain hinting at the recent skirmish. With a flourish, he tossed the weapon over his shoulder, striking a dramatic pose that would have made even the most seasoned skald cringe. The wind, seemingly on cue, billowed his cape, adding a touch of unintended comedy to his valiant display. Eivor, her bow now slack in her hand, couldn't help but smirk. Vili, ever the performer... even in the face of danger. "You Jest Arse- Stick, maybe a change in role might do you good. A bard? Jester maybe?", They both erupted in laughter as he made his way down to her to begin the investigation of the attack.

His own dire wolf, Bjornir as white as the snow in Northumbria itself and eyes as blue as their own, approached with Aseir in tow making Eivor proud of her mount. She grabbed her dire wolfs fur, burying her face into her neck. "Good girl Ase...", she whispered, offering a treat in kind only to receive a lick to the cheek in appreciation. The Jarlskona took a deep breath returning to Vili as both chieftains turned their attention to the scene before them, folding their arms to witness the carnage they laid, "They're here for a reason Eivor. Did you find anything?", Eivor handed him the letter with disturbing news. Unlike anything she's heard of, "A prophecy?", Vili raised a brow, handing the blood stained letter back to her.

"Yes, Picts- by the look of it. I thought we finished them off long ago?"

Eivor inquired glancing at here companion in curiosity as Vili peered to the bloodied men who lay cold in thick snow, wounds gouged open from axes- their blood now frozen from impact on the snow as the crunch of his footsteps confirmed. He leaned down next to one who was quite some distance away from the others, a feeble attempt to escape and survive- seeing a path of tattered foot steps in the snow leading up to the mountains.

"We did...",

He announced lowly as he hopped on Bjornir with Eivor to follow on her own wolf. Though they both had an Althing to attend- this situation took more precedent not only for their safety but for the others who were arriving to Eurvicscire. "Lets find their new passage...", Vili exclaimed as the young drengir's beamed at each other, following the trail to mountains above- some distance from Jorvik.

"Did Aseir or Synin help you find me?",

Eivor announced riding side by side with Vili through the lands of Northumbria in laden snow with wind as biting as the insects in Grantenbridge. "Synin lead me to you. An attempt on both mine and Halfdan's life occurred not too long ago. When we dealt with them, I came in search for you...ran into Aseir, and well you know...", He smiled to her, igniting a warmth in her stomach she had not had in a long time. She turned her eyes away and focused on the mountain before them noticing a smoke stack from a crack in the mountain side, slithering its way out. A tall tell sign of a camp..... and invaders.

"Villi... there-",

She pointed as both their wolves came to a halt. Though it was now the morning and the sun has made its entrance, the signs were as clear as day. "You have a very good eye Eivor-", they looked to each other again with wide grins emerging on their mouths. Just like their time as children, getting into trouble at every turn when they were together until they met again as adults- creating sagas that skalds would sing for many generations.

Being with him was blissfully- nostalgic.

The monetary pause was a silent sign of their memories letting loose of journeys they had together, raiding and pillaging, drinking and feasting... Glory in its entirety as Vikingr. Since they've both became Jarls, opportunities like this laid next to none. Though their silence was answer enough. Eivor whipped the reigns, racing across the jeweled blanket of snow with Vili close behind yelling, "Not fair, Wolf-Kissed!", as they completely destroy every last pict within the cave- closing it off entirely from access by blowing their entrance up, collapsing the cave as a whole.

Standing on top of the cavern entrance, they took a moment to analyze, peering down both ways of the mountain in search for any lingering insurgents. That was now 7 paths to the picts territory discovered with, gods know, how many more to follow. "Another tunnel of war...", The battle strung Jarl looked to his companion in dismay, remembering the letters contents and how all of this is linked to her in some way. Even though he perfectly understood she could care for herself.... had he not been there this morning, she would've been dead. "We should've explored it, find where they were coming from..." Eivor quipped watching vili Shake his head and claimed it was not worth it. 

Vili perched on a rock overlooking the cavern entrance, his brow furrowed in worry. Why were these assassins so relentless in their pursuit of Eivor? The recent attacks – Ravensthorpe, Snottingham, and now this? All pointed to a carefully orchestrated campaign. It was becoming increasingly clear there was more to this than simple banditry. But his greatest concern lay with his best friend. Should he voice his suspicions to Eivor? He knew her stubborn streak, her insistence on facing danger head-on. Yet, the weight of his unease pressed down on him, urging him to speak.

Vili: "There is a pattern to these attacks, Eivor. They target you. We must prioritize your safety.""

Eivor: "I understand Vili. Even if their target is me, you and the other Jarls are in danger too", 

She tried to turn away but was capture by the arm. His hand was warm from the midday sun that finally crested the mountain peaks, clamped onto her bicep with vigor. She turned, her gaze meeting Vili's. The entrance to the collapsed cave looming behind them, "Eivor, I think we can guess that the goal is your death and I-" He paused, having to correct himself before clearing his throat to continue, "-Your allies... are in the way."

The birds were singing high above them, the forrest now coming to life. The suns blaze turned the snow laden land into shimmering diamonds- heightening their surroundings. Eivor's eyes, once blue now green lowered, closing the gap between them as she rested her hand on his upper arm, peering up with a smile that equated to the suns warmth, "Its a good thing I have you- then...", She whispered, gently releasing his grip before she took to Aseir, mounting herself for the ride back to Jorvik.

"Come Arse-Stick. Diplomacy awaits us-"

She quickly snapped off into the distance. Her black braid whipped behind her, and the glint of her golden armor shimmered like a beacon. She was a vision of strength and purpose, a warrior goddess seemingly out of legend. 'Damn it,' Vili thought, a grudging respect battling with his frustration of admiration. With a single glance, she could stir his very spirit, a power he wouldn't dare acknowledge aloud. He sighed as he mounted Bjornir and turned his own horse towards Jorvik where their greatest challenge awaited,

The Althing

Next-

[a-midnight-rest]

It would have made no sense for the Butcher to ally himself with anyone, at that point at least.

The Butcher may have left the Qun, but he is still absolutely an Antaam. He thinks in terms of fighting, conquering, reinforcing, commanding. He loves Treviso, and therefore he wages war to have it because that's the only way he knows how to express his love. He respects the Crows, and so he allows them to fight.

For the Butcher to ally himself and his Antaam, he would need to completely break away from his entire life's perspective. It's possible, but that would require a lot more narrative for him to get to that point, not a single choice after a single conversation.

It is fun to imagine a series of mission doing just that though.

First a correspondence between Viago and a mysterious art collector on some of Treviso's finer paintings. Something is wrong though, because one of the painting they are speaking about was lost in the siege. The quest is to track down the collector, and the trail leads to the Antaam. Viago assume it's the traitor taunting him from inside the compound, and continue the correspondence to preserve the link.

Then we meet Viago again, both angered and frustrated. The latest letters has him being warned of a Venatori troupe planning to steal and haul lots of valuable artisteries to be sold in Tevinter, and the correspondant ask for a meeting as a thanks for the tip. Of course Viago suspects multiple traps, but sends rook. The information turns out to be solid and rook ambushes the Venatori. Viago shows up at the meeting place. And there comes the Butcher. First he calms Viago, saying that they both had multiple occasions to kill each other, and they are not going to start now. Rook can either encourage Viago to talk to him or to attack him. If you attack, he'll applaud your commitment to your nature but survive the attack. If you talk, Viago and the Butcher have a tense but cordial discussion about a particular piece of art Rook just saved from the Venatori.

Finally, the last mission. It is the same as in the game, but if you did the previous ones Viago will come, having deduced the identity of the correspondent. During the conversation, the Butcher would not have accepted the gift yet (if Viago is there) and will discuss the nature of the Antaam, of the Qun, and the reason for his betrayal. He will reveal that, in his own way, he loved the Qun but yearned for the world outside and its strangeness, its diversity. And in its own perverse way, he wants to show Treviso his love. The only way he knows how is by giving the Crows a worthy fight, and defying the Gods. Viago will then propose an alternative. The Butcher has much to answer for, but he is not the worst thing that ever happened to Antiva. Many Talons were just as murderous and half as interested in Treviso's interests, so then he'll propose that the Butcher leave his life as an Antaam behind for good. The Butcher cannot completely, but maybe being he could fight for himself, like those deliciously delude and insane characters in Antivan play. The Butcher would order his Antaam to follow the traitor as he is next in line, and then the mission would be to help him "conquer" a museum that is actually the main nest of Venatori. Doing so will uncover a paper trail sent to the traitor to tell him where to send the Antaam in case the Butcher refused to be tainted (and therefore telepathically know where to send his troops).

It would end with a Butcher still alive in his Conquered Museum, lording over a rich collection of art pieces. He would become a staple of the city, the Undefeated Conqueror satisfied with his prize yet whom the crows seems unable to get rid of. He would be the center of many a tale of assassination, heists, mad plots all around. And even after his passing, the museum would still be considered technically under Antaam rule, where the laws of the King do not apply, becoming the theaters of even more grandiose acts of vigilantism and shady deals.

Imagine a world in which you had to make choices with the Butcher. Choose whether to let him destroy himself to learn the ritual site, or to recruit him and his Antaam and risk waiting longer to learn where Elgarnan was. I'll bet the devs imagined it. Because it would've been incredible. And it would've been a more narratively logical continuation of the amazing work that went into the Butcher.

Let one man lose himself to madness to save the city he's come to love, or leave Treviso under his thumb and risk being too late to stop the ritual, but gain a powerful ally.

[ryanmeft]

Assassin's Creed Locations Ranked, Part 1

Assassin’s Creed has a trait shared by relatively few gaming franchises: it is known as much for its setting as it is the action that takes place there. While Leaps of Faith and covert blade-sticking feature prominently, it wouldn’t be Ubisoft’s most successful franchise without the historical time periods it recreates and lets us run through like unsupervised children with deadly weapons.

With Mirage set to take us back to the Middle East for the first time since the original game, it seemed like a good moment to go back and revisit these lands and separate the best from the worst. These rankings factor in every environment in which you can free roam to any degree and in which there are things to be found through exploration outside of the main story. This includes any DLC locations and side visits such as Cappadocia and Ireland. It does not include one-off locations like Portugal, or Hidden Tombs that are not free exploration and are visited only for specific missions. I also only factored New York and Boston in as one entry for III and Rogue due to the assets largely being reused, and counted all of ACII as a single environment because I’m lazy. The entire determinant for these rankings is how cool the location is, not the quality of the game itself.

Enter the Animus and let’s begin.

Special Award: Masyaf

The original fortress home of the Assassins looms large in series lore. Altair’s life there is a legacy felt through records and inventions left behind for his successors, and while it isn’t much to write home about in the original game, your visits to it in Revelations, both as Ezio and in flashbacks as an aged Altair, are by far that game’s most memorable sequences. It seemed wrong to force it to compete against areas more fully developed in their gameplay, but also wrong to leave it out.

34

The Bayou (Liberation)

Ubisoft Sofia did an admirable job cramming the epic scope of the series onto the PSP, and it always feels a little mean to pick on it. The famous Bayous around New Orleans are the source of lots of American folklore, though, and when they’re relegated to a few linear passages and an occasional extremely dull fetch quest, it feels like we missed something grand.

33

Mexico (Liberation)

Your brief visit to Mexico qualifies for this list because you can free roam and find stuff. It’s also emblematic of Ubisoft’s obvious xenophobia. With a few exceptions, this company is just entirely too terrified of taking their most popular series out of areas and eras dominated by white people. Despite having multiple games set all or partially in the rest of North America, this tiny glimpse of an ancient ruin is the only opportunity to dabble in Mexico’s storied history we’ve gotten. Like Persia, it’s hard to settle for it being barely on the periphery of the series.

32

The Holy Land (Assassin’s Creed)

The hype for the first game’s open world setting in the Middle East during the Third Crusade prior to release was at a fever pitch. Much like the game as a whole, it was something so new that most people just didn’t know what to expect. What we got was definitely not open world and mostly failed to capture the spirit of the era. All those zealous knights and Popes were trying to reclaim something from the Saracens that both sides saw as a grand prize, but neither the incredibly deep history nor the splendor of the region come across here.

31

Makedonia (Odyssey: Legacy of the First Blade)

For history buffs, this may be the meanest bait-and-switch the series has ever pulled. LOTFB made a shit ton of promises, from introducing us to the wielder of the first hidden blade to pitting us against the legendary Persian empire. What we got, at least in terms of a location, was a major letdown. Not only was Makedonia, future home of Alexander the Great, basically nothing but a single village at the time, but we never even set foot in Persia, a region that shouldn’t be relegated to DLC in the first place. Most fans had a lot of complaints about this lackluster DLC, and the dull setting was at the forefront of those gripes.

30

New Orleans (Liberation)

Ah, Nola, we barely knew ye. Unlike the Bayou areas, when you walk around New Orleans, you feel the potential of the setting straining to break free of the PSP’s technical limitations. While Sofia nailed the dress, the mannerisms and, in a broad sense, the culture as well as they could, this was one of the most important cities in North America at the time of the game, and the reduced scale means we don’t get to take part in the historical events at all, instead experiencing a story that focuses entirely on one family---and, main character aside, not a very interesting one.

29

Francia (Valhalla: The Siege of Paris)

The best you can say about the proto-France seen in Valhalla’s second DLC pack is that it wasn’t as much of a narrative letdown as Legacy of the First Blade, because unlike with the Persian Empire, nobody was chomping at the bit to break off a piece of some 9th century cheese wheels. Even with the lowered expectations, this one still couldn’t compare to Ireland. The big draw, visiting a very early Paris, is not enticing because Paris, like most of western Europe at this time, was basically a church surrounded by mud. It doesn’t help that most of your free-roaming time there centers around the incredibly tedious Rebel Missions, or that Charles the Fat is not in the least an intimidating opponent.

Thus ends part 1 of this ranking. If you liked it, please share and follow, and come back Sunday for part 2, in which we spend time with a couple mythological DLCs and pay our first visit to a certain Mentor.

[buckrecs]

hi! i am desperately searching for christmas bucky barnes fanfics because it does NOT feel like the holidays and i'm in need of some holiday spirit :) if you don't celebrate christmas though no worries at all, i don't want to be a bother!

Christmas

masterlist | req masterlist

In my country we don’t celebrate Christmas like America, so I’ve always wanted to do christmas activities. (I live in Korea) It was so much fun reading these holiday fics🎄✨

btw i’m visiting New York for the first time soon!! I hope some of the christmassy stuff is still there till February…

Secret Santa by @buckybarnesandmarvel

the team decides to do a secret santa... of course you get the one person you’re in love with

White Christmas by @writerlyhabits

The Holiday season catches Bucky by surprise, but after a less-than-ideal morning, a friendly invitation from his new neighbor is more tempting than he would have anticipated. 

Christmas Bucky by @softlybarnes

bucky realizes you aren't in your usual festive mood.

An Unusual Christmas by @petersshirts

You plan on flying home for Christmas but when the flight gets cancelled, you need to seek shelter at the one Avenger you can’t stand

Operation Mistletoe by @wkemeup

With dozens of mistletoe appearing in archways across the compound, you start to notice a pattern when you begin to encounter Bucky Barnes beneath each one

The Worst Time of the Year by @delaber (series)

According to Bucky, Christmas is the worst time of the year. He hates everything about it - well everything apart from one thing: you.

won’t ask for much this christmas by @bonky-n-steeb

You get stuck in Christmas lights and Bucky fucks you.

The Quest for Love by @sgtjbuccky (series)

Work has always been a priority for Bucky, leaving things like love long forgotten, and for him it’s no problem, but for Sam and Steve it is the biggest problem to grace this earth. Fed up with Bucky and his constants protest and avoidance of love, they set him up on a series of dates to find the girl of his dreams with the help of the magical spirit of December. Only for Bucky to realize that love isn’t always found where one goes looking for it, but may be close by.  

christmas eve by @buckybleu

It's the night before Christmas and an ex-assassin is up wrapping Christmas presents for his family.

Christmas Shenanigans by @buckybarnesstar

mega fluffy bucky x reader where they go Christmas shopping

12 Days of Christmas by @sweetbuckybarnes (series)

12 days running up to Christmas, Bucky and Y/N come closer together.

‘Tis the Season by @moonbeambucky

With Christmas around the corner not everyone is excited to celebrate. Will your surprise bring back Bucky’s spirit or turn him into a Grinch?

Little Christmas Gifts by @iwillbeinmynest

The Holliday Hack by @gogolucky13

You ask Bucky to be your stand-in boyfriend for your family’s Christmas party.

Not-So-Secret Santa by @navybrat817

Bucky wants to give you the perfect gift.

The Perfect Tree by @andreafmn

After all is said and done, Christmas is (Y/N)'s favorite time of the year. She is known for going all out, from decorations to food, from silly traditions to happy memories. But one thing can never go wrong. She needs the perfect Christmas tree.

Merry Fuckin’ Christmas by @rookthorne (series)

No one ever, ever, turned down the opportunity to celebrate and party through the festive season over the years, but with your help, the 107th Motorcycle Club was going to learn that tradition was just as important as a loaded gun.

All Wrapped Up by @jobean12-blog

Bucky likes you...he’s shy...but he finally has a way to show it with a special gift. 

Tis the damn season by @starrysebastians

On the first post-blip Thanksgiving, you find yourself having to reunite with your parents and your heart is not in it — Sam persuades you to take Bucky with you, and this might be an opportunity for you two to get to know each other.

Merry Christmas! <3

[zeravmeta]

one of my absolute favorite things about guilty gear is how every character is about as hardened a war veteran as you can get but at the same time all of them are so fucking emotionally vulnerable. as far back as the first game sol prayed for justice to find rest because he understands that justice was brought into this world against their will to be a weapon and their fight was always for their right to exist.

potemkin is a man whose been hyper optimized for battle above all else with the sole purpose of ensuring a peace he will never see and yet he's entirely vulnerable around gabriel who always assures him that his ideals arent wrong and that failing doesnt mean giving up on such ideals. zato-one had been through so much and did so much for the sake of the assassins guild and despite being betrayed by the people he loved about three times he still works alongside them an doesn't take anything personally. axl has been lost for most of his life wandering between timelines and has known so many different incarnations of the same people but still values them regardless and each version of sol is always a friend that axl relies on even if each sol is different. faust had been searching for zato-one and chronus for about a decade in some of the worst years of his life and the moment faust gets an answer on what their deals are he forgives both of them and even lets chronus travel with him to find redemption. baiken has been on a revenge quest for most of her life and is one of the most abrasive characters there is in the series and yet she immediately connects with delilah and protects her. venom had decided to take the fall for the organization that saved his life and apologized to robo ky for needing his help in a battle that he would likely die in and robo ky tells him that because venom is fighting for his dream he doesn't mind. i-no and raven are among some of the most stone cold bastards in the series and when they were talking and i-no said that she and raven weren't friends she immediately backpedals because ravens feelings were hurt.

nearly every character is some flavor of traumatized hardened war victim whose also only known battle for their entire life and they're all ALSO incredibly soft. literally no one took i-no's actions at the end of strive as villainous and all of them do mourn her while also wondering what her true goals were with most of them concluding that they simply need to live for tomorrow.

[son-of-drogo]

Here's my list of the not so good dads in the Redwall series, kinda in order:

Skipper Banjon- is he sexist? Regarding who gets to be Skipper yes. Did he act like a jerk when Tiria was upset about killing someone for the first time? Also yes. Otherwise he's pretty supportive of Tiria throughout the book.

Taquin L. Woodsorrel: He doesn't really seem to contribute to raising his 12 leverets all that much. He was super upset about Rosie leaving him with the kids while she goes on adventures and he seems to pretty much let the Redwallers take over after she leaves. As far as shitty dads go he's not the worst, but he's not great either.

Urran Voh: He's got the whole "stay away from my daughter" bullshit going on and is unreasonably stubborn. It's not a good look.

Cornspurrey De Fformelo Tussock: Treats his (mostly) grown son like a child, his wife literally had to help their son run away to follow his dreams. At least he didn't disown his son like his father did to him.

Luke the Warrior: Abandoned his small son to go on a revenge quest, which allowed his entire tribe to be enslaved or killed. Not only is he a bad father, he's a bad chieftain.

Rusval Reguba: Emotionally abused his son in front of the entire Abbey for making a mistake and didn't feel any remorse for his actions until his son ran away. Idk why Janglur was still friends with him after he acted like that.

Urthstripe the Strong: Was such a bad parent that Mara literally ran away from Salamandastron and couldn't live there even after his brother Urthwhite took over. He's inflexible and overly strict, he also has angry outbursts when Mara doesn't behave how he thinks she should.

Chigid: actually physically abusive but reluctantly stopped after he was called out. Also he was allowing members of his tribe to be sacrificed to an eel so they could continue to have a regular catch of elvers so that wasn't great.

Rigu Felis: honestly being abusive towards your sons because they were hesitant about attacking a bird of prey was not good. He did inadvertantly get his son Jeefra murdered but that was more due to the fact that Pitru is super fucking evil and probably would have found another convenient moments to murder his brother if they hadn't been sent to the barracks.

Swartt Sixclaw: he's more of a sperm donor than a dad.

Ferhago the Assassin: Also more of a sperm doner, but also him and his son Klitch are constantly trying to murder each other.

Sawney Rath: Idk if he even counts that much because he literally had his "adopted" son's dad murdered and stole a baby. But we can all agree that trying to force your adopted son to skin someone alive is a bad thing to do.

Nimbalo's father: Yeah, he terrorized his son so bad that he has PTSD and feels like he has to act like a tough guy all the time. Fuck him, I hate him more than Sawney Rath and he didn't even have any lines.

Tugga Bruster: Literally the worst. He's an abusive parent and chieftain. He bullies anyone who's weaker than him, he murdered somebody, and he stole from the Redwallers and tried to blame it on Nokko. He sucks, he's the worst dad in the Redwall books and I'm glad he's dead.

Worst Father

I want to do the worst father tournament and now that I actually have time to do another one, that is the one we shall do.

Any father and father like figure can be included, including Abbots. My current contestant list is as stand but once again you can submit anyone else you feel should be included:

Lord Stonepaw

Lord Brocktree

Boar the Fighter

Luke the Warrior

Cardo

Gonf

Vergauda Greeneyes

Barkjon

Urran Voh

Hortwingle

Swartt Sixclaw

Joseph the Bellmaker

Tarquin Woodsorrel

Gael Squirrelking

Urthstripe the Strong

Ferago the Assassin

Abbot Mortimer

Matthias

Basil Stag Hare

John Churchmouse

Mr. Squirrel

Orlando the Axe

Jabez Stump

Mattimeo

Drufo

Nimbalo's Father

Rillflag

Cornspurrey De Fformelo Tussock

Sawney Rath

Lord Hightor

Colonel Whippscut

King Agarnu

Skipper Banjon

Nokko

Gawjo Swifteye

Jangular Swifteye

Rusval Reguba

Skor Axehound

Abbot Mordalfus

Tugga Bruster

Riggu Felis

Chigid

Jango Bigboat

Abruc

Ben Stickle

[rachelkaser]

The case for a female protagonist in Assassin’s Creed: Codename Red

Assassin’s Creed has hemmed and hawed on giving its games a solo female protagonist. Codename Red might be Ubisoft’s chance to go all-in -- if it takes the plunge. Here’s how it could work and why the developers should do it.

You know the expression, “The opposite of love isn’t hate but indifference?” The point of it is to demonstrate that lack of care is the greatest sign of love’s absence. But turn it on its side slightly, and what it’s also telling you is that love and hate can exist in the same space. I have seen no surer proof of this idiom’s truth than my own feelings towards Ubisoft’s Assassin’s Creed series. I love it . . . oh, but how I hate it, too.

For those of you just joining us, I am a fan of the series, but I am also very critical of it. I have loved this series for almost half of my life, but its evolution and overarching story is messy at best and insultingly incoherent at worst. I accept and embrace the series as it is, while also despising it for its unrealized potential.

With that being said, and since I’ve mentioned unrealized potential, let’s talk about the future of Assassin’s Creed -- specifically, the upcoming game currently codenamed “Red.” This might be the ideal time for Ubisoft to introduce something Assassin’s Creed has avoided like it avoids the modern day storyline: A starring female protagonist. Not only are conditions for this “bold” move ideal, but I would argue the company has to do it. Let’s talk about it.

Let’s Talk About the Female Assassins

Before we go on, I know I should address the series’ existing heroines, lest anyone accuse me of not thoroughly covering my material. I’m aware that Assassin’s Creed has given us a few heroines already -- they’ve even said that the female characters are the canon leads.

However, as we talk about it, I think you’ll notice a common theme with all of these characters. I call it the Not So You’d Really Notice It effect. We’re told they’re definitely the canon characters and are important to the history of the series . . . but Not So You’d Really Notice It.

Evie Frye

The ninth game, Assassin’s Creed Syndicate, was the first in the main series to feature a playable female character. Syndicate follows the adventures of twin Assassins Jacob and Evie Frye, who are attempting to retake London from Templar control. Now, according to the developers, Jacob and Evie were supposed to be equal co-leads in the title -- but Not So You’d Really Notice It. Jacob dominated in all of the marketing, and Evie’s story in the actual game is static and boring compared with his. She has fewer story quests -- should the player so choose (some missions you can select which twin to play), they only have to play as Evie for about 30% of the game.

To be fair, this is not just because Evie is a woman -- another factor is that Ubisoft was trying to marry its two different kinds of protagonists into one game. I mentioned this when I first reviewed the title, but traditionally AC protagonists fall into one of two camps: They’re either reserved stoics with a temperamental streak (Altair, Connor, Shay) or charismatic, flirtatious extroverts (Ezio, Edward, Arno). Ubisoft has always been better with the latter, rather than the former -- or rather, the games in which the extroverts star seem to be better received.

Ubisoft knows how to write a story starring a character like Jacob. They don’t know what to do with stiff-upper-lipped Evie besides make her perpetually irritated at Jacob. Her brother gets to undergo a whole character arc, while Evie doesn’t really get the same treatment. To reiterate, I don’t think that’s just because of her gender -- but I’m also convinced that was at least part of it.

Syndicate also hides its most interesting character in what amounts to a mini-game: Lydia Frye, a WWI-era British Assassin spy who worked alongside Winston Churchill. You’d be hard-pressed to find a better hook for a character anywhere in the series, but Lydia is only in about an hour of the game, total. I would love for Ubisoft to make a game about her, but I know how likely that is to happen.

Aya, a.k.a. Amunet

In the next game, Origins, Ubisoft decided to change up the formula slightly by making the protagonist an older, married father. Bayek is himself a breath of fresh air, having a different motivation than other protagonists and not really fitting the previous templates. He’s assisted in his quest by his wife, Aya. She’s supposed to also be pursuing vengeance for their murdered son . . . but Not So You’d Really Notice.

Hold onto something, because this might just give you the vapors: Aya was originally supposed to be the main playable character in Origins. According to a Bloomberg report, the original plan for the game was to sideline Bayek early (it’s not exactly stated how) and for Aya to take over. However, if this Bloomberg report is to be believed, Aya was slowly pushed to the margins over the course of development.

You can see traces of this in the final game, as there are a few sequences where you play as Aya. She’s off on her own quest to avenge her son’s death, at least at first. One problem with her diminished role in the game is that her motivations are incredibly difficult to follow. She’s out for revenge, up until the moment she meets Cleopatra, with whom she becomes smitten and flips on a dime. She’s given some more screentime in the DLC, which I assume was because the higher-ups were no longer paying as close attention.

Kassandra

Out of all the female characters in Assassin’s Creed, Kassandra is probably the best-received. I’ve yet to hear anyone say they dislike her or, worse, are indifferent to her. While I only have anecdotal evidence, I’ve heard that some people who’ve never played Assassin’s Creed before jumped aboard because they wanted to play as this dry-witted, badass Amazon woman.

According to the aforementioned report, Odyssey was also originally conceived of with a solo female protagonist -- Kassandra. Her brother, Alexios, was in the game, but he was presumably consigned the role of villain Deimos. Eventually this morphed into the version of the game we have now, where the two are interchangeable protagonists, and whomever isn’t selected is Deimos. According to Ubisoft and Odyssey’s novelization, Kassandra is the canonical Eagle-Bearer -- but Not So You’d Really Notice It.

To be clear, the Assassin’s Creed meta-narrative is that a modern-day person is reliving the life of an historical figure via genetic memories. Having two distinct people who could be the protagonist doesn’t really work... at all. It’s not the only concession Odyssey makes in an effort to be more like an RPG, but it’s probably the one that requires the biggest break from established series conventions.

Eivor

This brings us to the most recent game, Valhalla, which once again features a man and a woman sharing the throne. In this case, they’ve ditched the idea that they’re separate people and just made them a single person named Eivor. You can choose to play as a male or female version of the character.

Eivor is a Viking warrior who departs Norway with their brother Sigurd and founds a settlement in England. They’re eventually drawn into the apparently eternal battle between the covert forces of chaos (the Assassins) and the oppressive forces of order (the Templars). It’s not helped by mysterious stranger (and future protagonist) Basim attempting to manipulate both Eivor and Sigurd.

Just like Kassandra, Female Eivor is the canonical character. Male Eivor is actually the Norse God Havi. Eivor is his reincarnation and thus shares his DNA. Once again, you can tell that the female character is supposed to have been the lead here: Eivor is a female name. The in-game character selection gives players the option to “Let the Animus decide” which makes Female Eivor the Viking-era protagonist but Male Eivor the Asgard-era protagonist.

WTF, Ubisoft?

As you can see, Ubisoft has come very, very close to having a female protagonist lead one of its titles. But every time it’s come close, it’s choked at the concept stage, throwing in a male protagonist as a preemptive tonic. Why did this take place?

Apparently the directives to change all of these games from women-led to shared adventures or male-led came from the marketing department or Ubisoft CCO Serge Hascoët. Both claimed that games led by female characters wouldn’t sell. The report doesn’t say whether that same thought process applied to Valhalla, but I think I can assume so.

To be fair to Ubisoft, that presumption may not have been too far off. According to director Scott Phillips, the majority of Odyssey players chose Alexios, though he added that their popularity was about even in playtesting. But I take that with a grain of salt -- the entire games industry has historically been gun-shy about female protagonists and gives them much less marketing than they might otherwise receive.

I’m not even going to dedicate much space to Assassin’s Creed: Chronicles, which gave separate episodes to some peripheral Assassins of history. The China episode is led by Shao Jun, but I can’t exactly give Ubisoft props for that -- for one, she’s sharing the spotlight with Arbaaz Mir and Nikolai Orelov. For two, Chronicles is an offshoot game that got precisely zero marketing compared with the mainline titles.

The only character in the franchise so far who has carried a game entirely on her own is poor Aveline de Grandpre, the protagonist of Liberation. Honestly, Liberation is so unusual compared with the rest of the series that I have to believe it was a fluke. It had to have been made while Ubisoft higher-ups were looking the other way -- and given that it was originally a PlayStation Vita exclusive, I wouldn’t have blamed them for not paying attention.

Also, I want to be clear that I bear the male protagonists in these games no ill will at all. Jacob is a glorious himbo; Bayek is complex and original; Alexios has some of the series’ best voice acting; and Male Eivor is an awesome Viking warrior, and we can never have enough of those. I love this series’ badass men. I just want them to stay in their own games to give the badass women a chance to shine.

Forward to the Past

With all of this history, let’s talk about what the future holds for Assassin’s Creed. We already know that the next game in the series is Assassin’s Creed Mirage, set in 9th Century Baghdad. It’ll star Basim, the mysterious stranger from Valhalla. No female counterpart, but he will have a female mentor character, a Persian Hidden One (precursor to Assassins) named Roshan. Funnily enough, Roshan got almost as much focus in the reveal as Basim, most likely because she’s voiced by Shohreh Aghdashloo.

Other than Mirage, Ubisoft is working on games codenamed “Jade” and “Hexe.” Jade is a mobile RPG with a customizable player character set in ancient China -- doesn’t interest me much, seems designed to capture the Chinese mobile audience. “Hexe” is a cipher, and we have no details about it from which I could speculate on what kind of story to expect.

The game I wish to focus on is Codename Red, which Ubisoft announced during its big show earlier this year. Codename Red is the fulfilment of a longtime fandom wish: An Assassin’s Creed game set in historical Japan. Players have been asking for this because its such an obvious fit for the series mandate: The fictional Assassins and the historical ninja are obviously simpatico, and Japan has a number of points in its history where the traditional Assassin vs Templar narrative would fit perfectly.

So far we don’t know much about the game. According to the trailer, it’s set in “Feudal Japan” (which could be anywhere within a roughly 500-year period), it’ll have the action-RPG gameplay of Odyssey and Valhalla, and it’ll let players live a “shinobi fantasy.” That’s all we’ve got to work with, outside of rumors.

Now let me explain why this game should have -- nay, cries out for a female shinobi to lead.

The Land of the Rising Sun

Ubisoft has used Japan as a setting in the expanded AC universe, most notably in the French novel Blade of Aizu and in Memories the card game -- yes, Assassin’s Creed had a digital card game. The latter revealed that the Assassins established a Brotherhood in Japan during the Sengoku Period by allying with the country’s ninja, including Hattori Hanzo.

Let me paint a picture of the kind of female character we’d have if Ubisoft actually moved forward with this idea. We’ll call her “Akane” for reference. Suppose that we start in feudal Japan -- perhaps slightly before the age of Hattori Hanzo, but still within the Sengoku Period -- and Akane is a young merchant, perhaps someone who participates in the burgeoning trade with newly arrived Europeans. One day something happens that almost makes her a casualty in this time of upheaval -- I leave it to those who are more well-versed in Japanese history to say what.

Akane obtains a Hidden Blade, either from one of her European friends, or perhaps a member of the Chinese Assassin Brotherhood (Shao Jun would have been active around this time). Determined to keep the common people from being wrapped up in the machinations of those in power, Akane swiftly begins growing a network of spies across the region, participating in several covert assassination missions, and essentially starting an Assassin’s bureau all by herself in Japan.

I don’t have the requisite academic background to speak from authority on the subject, but even cursory research shows that female spies, assassins, and warriors were not rare in Japan. In fact, one such historical figure, Mochizuki Chiyome, recruited an entire spy network of female shinobi. She’s a character in Memories, albeit working for the Templars and opposed by Hattori Hanzo. There is historical precedent aplenty for this “Akane” character, and I’m excited just at the idea of what Ubisoft could do with her if they really cared enough.

Having said all that, I’m not going to bother giving an historical justification for a female protagonist in this game. I am not going to address them directly, but the misogynistic fuckwits who oppose the concept of a female protagonist on principle (or the illusion of principle) often use “historical accuracy” as a flimsy shield for their real intent. I don’t want to even give the impression that I’m meeting them on their level. Because here’s the fun thing: Historical accuracy could not possibly matter less in the Assassin’s Creed series.

Nothing is True...

If we’re being very honest with each other (and we always are here in my house), AC’s pretentions to historical accuracy have always been shallow at best. For the last few years, the developers have tried to position AC as some kind of portal to a proper history education, which is commendable and also kind of adorable given how little their series resembles real world events. (Those Who Came Before, anyone?)

But leaving aside all of that, the entire conceit of the series is that history was not as we’ve been taught it. Major forces in the world have deliberately obscured or buried historical facts and figures, and the version that we’ve been taught is a sanitized version palatable to the Templar overlords. If you played Black Flag and spent any time in the modern day (though if you avoided that, I wouldn’t blame you), you’ll remember that the entire point was that Abstergo is Templar-washing the historical people who’ve opposed them.

Connor became a brutish savage. Ezio became a deranged serial killer. Altair became an arrogant heretic. Aveline was lauded, but they notably cut off her story around the time she pretended to join the Templars, making it seem that she did come around the “right” way of thinking. I found that part of Black Flag surprisingly clever -- while we, the players, know that’s not an accurate view of their lives, we can also see how Templars can paint that picture with just a slight twist of the facts. When it comes to history, it matters who tells the story.

My point being that this is the most elegant venue ever to tell a story about a person who may not have a whole lot of historicity. Oh, you don’t think women could have feasibly been warriors and assassins at this time and place in history? That’s what the Templars want you to think! Especially when you consider that the Templars in the games are traditionally the rich and powerful, while the Assassins recruit from society’s oppressed and downtrodden. Seriously, I could not create a better stage than this to tell this kind of a story.

...Everything is Permitted

One thing I have not yet addressed is why it might be in Ubisoft’s best interest to put a woman in the lead of this game. Three words: Ghost of Tsushima. Let me expand.

Players have been asking for a Japanese Assassin’s Creed game since the series began, but Ubisoft never delivered on that. AC3 creative director Alex Hutchinson once said, by way of explanation for why they weren’t considering it, “People on the internet suggest the most boring settings. The three most wanted are WWII, feudal Japan and Egypt. They're kind of the three worst settings for an AC game.”

He later added, “Feudal Japan would work as an Assassin's game, for sure, but I feel like it would start to look like 'oh, have I played this?' You know what I mean - 'oh, I've been a ninja before, I've been a samurai before'." Well, if the problem was that ninja and samurai were too common for Ubisoft, then they’re really not going to like the market into which Codename Red will launch.

In terms of a quasi-historical fantasy game set in Japan where players are a sneaky anarchist people’s hero trying to topple a militant regime, we’ve got Ghost of Tsushima. And it was both a great game and hugely successful -- enough so that I’m not sure Ubisoft should try to beat it.

To make matters more unfavorable, Ghost of Tsushima 2 is heavily rumored to be in the works. Team Ninja is also working on Rise of the Ronin. Honestly, if even one other “Japanese historical fantasy” title launches in the same year as Codename Red, then it’s going to be in trouble.

So if Ubisoft really wanted to stand out, they could do something I’m quite certain the other games won’t do. It’s a really easy solution, too: Make the protagonist a woman. The historical background is there, insofar as Ubisoft has ever needed it to be. They’ve come very close to doing it many, many times. Now I want to see this franchise grit its figurative teeth and take the plunge of actually giving a woman the starring role.

Appendix: Reality Check

Having said my piece, I wanted to add that I’m aware just how remote the possibility of this actually happening is. While female game protagonists are not as rare as they once were, and studios are becoming slightly less reluctant to greenlight a game with a woman in the lead role, the chances of Ubisoft finally giving in and making a female Assassin-led title are smaller than I’d like.

In part, the problem is Ubisoft. The company’s alleged culture of hostile, noxious masculinity was only revealed recently, and I’ve seen no sign that it’s made significant enough improvement to give me hope. For one thing, TheGamer recently reported that devs are actively avoiding Red because director Jonathan Dumont allegedly has a history of being verbally abusive, particularly to women.

The other part of the problem is that, as optimistic as I am that there’s a sea change in the industry, a game with a female lead character is still a Big Deal . . . and not the kind of Big Deal that publishers want. And Ubisoft is not just any publisher -- it’s a publisher that has proven, time and again, that it’s not willing to put a woman in the spotlight all by herself.

I can’t lie: That makes me very sad. Having a female character should not be a Big Deal. It should not be something that requires extensive rewrites in order to shoehorn in a male option to steal her thunder. I can promise you that, when a Ubisoft creative pitched Mirage to his higher-ups, no one responded with, “Hmm, Basim, really? Not sure about that. Don’t you think we should make Roshan playable too, just for the people who want to play as a woman?”

In any case, we’ll likely hear more about Assassin’s Creed Red at some point in the near-future. My fingers are crossed, but my hopes are summarily tempered. I can still dream, can’t I?

[separatist-apologist]

Hey!!! I’m curious to know, why don’t you like Bryce or CC? Personally the first book was better than the second book but overall, the series hasn’t been too bad (minus the whole crossover thing)

You want to ask me, on this our first day of elucienweek, why I hate Bryce and CC? ESPECIALLY when you admit you like them? Oof.

I mean, I'll share but I'm not interested in changing my opinion or like, softening this.

First of all, and I will die on this hill, Bryce is a fucking pick-me of the HIGHEST order. This is a problem with the narrative and not so much her, but if I wanted to read endless prose on how fucking hourglass, Kardashian hot a woman was, I could pick up a Branden Sanderson novel. EVERY SINGLE MAN has to simp for Bryce, including Ruhn who has a very uncomfortable passage in the first book where he is looking her up and down in her tight jeans. Bryce can't walk down the road without being sexually harassed and she seemingly likes it. Who's fantasy is that? What in the wattpad is that?

Second, every single man in the book is standing in a line behind Hunt to fuck Bryce. IDK what your experience with this is, but I have some personal experience with men pretending to be your friend so they can have a shot. It never reads as genuine but OF COURSE Bryce doesn't mind that they all openly and desperately want to fuck her. We're treated to thought after thought about her body, looking her up and down in a way that feels very "through the male gaze" and I was just over it 400 pages in. WE GET IT. Oh my GOD.

SJM loves to do this thing where she puts you in the POV of a character who has knowledge the reader should know and instead will use that POV to lie in order to create some big reveal. 500 pages looking for a missing child? LOL Bryce figured that out on page 26 and this whole side quest has been a massive, frustrating waste of time. Of course she did, she's so smart. She suffers from Aelin syndrome where she just keeps secrets from EVERYONE because, presumably, no one can be trusted? For ReAsOnS that made me want to slam the book to the ground.

Of course Bryce is also the main protag so we're told over and over she's smart and talented and whatever but OH MY GOD everything she does is STUPID AS SHIT. This was my issue with TOG. Aelin was the best assassin, according to the narrative but every time you saw her assassin-ing, she was pretty bad at it. Or how Cassian/Azriel are elite warriors but endlessly injured. Like, either make your characters NORMAL or make them REALLY badass. Bryce isn't particularly smart, she's impulsive and makes endless bad decisions and it's just fine.

The whole "we're better than the humans thing" was a choice. That whole plot, in book 2, where Bryce is just 'meh' and treats the rebellion like they're beneath her was a really bad look. Was it supposed to convey she's better than them? Because honestly, both books give off this supreme sense that Bryce thinks she is just better than everyone else and she does not need to treat the people around her well. She's shitty to Lebehah (or whatever her name was) and that creature literally DIED for, why? She's shitty to Ruhn who is endlessly going to bat for her, she was unnecessarily bratty with Hunt in book 1 when he was trying so hard to help her with Danika, like this is a pattern of behavior for Bryce.

And unlike Feyre and Aelin who like, grow and learn, Bryce gives off this aura of "I am fine as I am" girl you are easily the worst of the three. Like I get it, party girl roped into shenanigans but we are 1600+ pages into this story and Bryce is just stagnant and not particularly fun when you're trapped in her headspace. I read book 2 because twitter spoiled the ending and I knew I was going to have to read it in order to continue ACOTAR, but honestly if SJM wasn't doing this cursed crossover, I would have DNF'd.

And if you liked it, I'm not saying you're wrong for it or whatever. I know a lot of people prefer CC to ACOTAR and TOG. I think it suffers from all the same problems as SJMs other series but her protag isn't half as likable. Her side characters are. My love of Ruhn is decently known. Ultimately there are too many problems with the convoluted narrative that don't make it enjoyable for me.

[therealvinelle]

Vinelle (and muffin since I know they'll see this too~!), I don't know if you guys have made a post ranking the Twilight books and why (including Bree and L&D if applicable) but I'd love to hear your opinions! (also if you could rank the Twi movies from least worst to most worst and why that'd be awesome too! 030 hi key love your rants on the movies and would love to hear y'alls thoughts more on them)-Sw

You’ve caught us out, anon.

And thanks to you, we spent last night watching Breaking Dawn Part 2 so we could rank it. @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin hadn’t seen it at all, while I half-remembered it from years ago. A terrible time was had because that movie was unwatchably bad.

Since this ask was sent jointly, our answer was co-written.

So, without further ado, movies first:

1. Twilight

This is a bad movie, but it’s recognizably a movie. The scenes are connected, there are things it did well, and we could tell you what the plot is. The awkwardness, for instance, is very well done. The weaknesses are glaring, the main one being that the film never sells us on the characters of Bella and Edward, nor on their relationship, relying instead on the audience knowing they’re in love because- well, they’re in love.

Diving deeper into Edward and Bella, there’s an understandable explanation for this. Edward of the books is terrifying, and I don’t think there’s a translation to screen that could have kept the romantic atmosphere surrounding him that we see from Bella’s point of view.

Bella can listen to Edward eating Biology and how he explains that it means how much he loves her and not blink. An actual audience hearing that dialogue will have second thoughts.

Right out of the gate, Twilight has a very difficult task: Salvage Edward Cullen while still producing a somewhat recognizable character who will take the same actions (or near the same actions) that Edward Cullen did in the book.

In the effort to make Edward palatable but save some of his original character he loses his more terrifying lines (as well as his hilarious ego) but becomes weird, awkward, and vaguely creepy. Edward Cullen of the films is that weird, friendless guy in your high school who you feel kind of bad for but don’t want to eat lunch with.

Bella faces a similar transformation. Bella’s insecurity is completely removed (or else the screenwriters somehow failed to notice it). As a result, we get this strange antisocial girl who is too cool for school because she’s a stuck up bitch.

Between Edward, this creepy guy who sits next to her in Biology, and Bella, this girl who enters school too good for everyone else, we see no reason why they would ever be interested in one another.

In an attempt to make these characters likeable they made them both unlikeable and boring. The film series as a whole never recovers from this (indeed, the quest to make Edward look good keeps leading to stranger and stranger places). 

It also forgets to explain why the Cullens live among humans, they’re attending high school… because. It’s a movie that explained to us all those terrible 2010 era memes and “still a better love story than Twilight”. And frankly, those memes were great, better than the movie. Case in point.

Everything is weirdly blue, which is atmospheric but also makes everything and everyone washed out. Everyone is super pale, so you have Mike looking just as vampire-y as Edward. However, it’s recognizably a movie. It introduces the characters, recognizes that the audience needs to be informed of things that are important to the plot, and most scenes are in some way connected to the plot. This is more than can be said for the other films, which is why it lands the top slot.

2. Eclipse

Eclipse earns its second place by process of elimination. The remaining three were worse. Eclipse also features Edward being cuckolded mercilessly, which is hilarious. Oh, and Victoria playing Riley, that was another beautiful scene.

Apart from that it’s just a deeply boring, borderline unwatchable movie.

Special shoutouts go to:

The opening scene of Riley getting turned, a ridiculous and poorly executed scene that served no purpose for the movie whatsoever.

Rosalie dropping her backstory without any context, Bella walks up to her and Rosalie launches into this horrific story for no particular reason. Both her and Jasper’s backstories could have been cut, as they served no purpose to the story and felt really thrown in there.

The many, many redundant scenes. The Victoria chase that ends with the Cullens and Quileutes squabbling could have been cut entirely. So too could the Seattle subplot with the newborns and Bree.

It’s a movie that isn’t about anything in particular, so it throws subplot spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks. It dutifully regurgitates the Jacob/Bella/Edward love triangle while also trying to convey that Bella’s about to lose her mortality, while also trying to introduce suspense and excitement with the newborns. It fails to execute either of these, and it also fails to tie them together.

3. New Moon

The movie that wanted to skip itself.

This movie had two jobs, show that Bella is depressed when Edward leaves and convince the audience of Bella and Jacob’s strong friendship. And apart the rotating shots and the occasional Stewart voiceover, the former becomes one of those “just stay with us on this one, guys” failures, and the second is failed on every level. Jake and Bella are much closer at the beginning of this movie than they were in canon, and a montage of Bella hanging out with her buddy is just that, it’s a montage of Bella hanging out with her buddy. It speaks volumes that Stewart’s voiceover has to remind us she’s depressed and Jacob is helping her heal, because there’s no indicator on screen that this is happening.

This, in turn, makes Bella/Jake as weak and unconvincing as Bella/Edward was in the previous movie. We just have to take on faith that these people are important to each other because that’s what we’re told.

There’s also the wolves, who are completely butchered. In the books, there’s this great mystery with bears in the woods, there’s Bella wondering why Laurent ran off, there’s build-up, then when we find out what’s actually been happening it’s a satisfying explanation, all the pieces come together really nicely. This is not the case in the movie. Meeting the pack is just weird in this context, because we never wondered who they were. Bella is randomly invited to breakfast, we meet Emily with the scarred face who won’t ever have a line again, and that’s it, these characters don’t become important to the movie in any way. It’s a pointless scene that could have been cut, much like so many other scenes in these movies.

Apart from that, the Volturi scene from the books is butchered so I hardly recognize it, and Alice, Carlisle, and Edward’s characters are assassinated to an impressive degree considering they were barely in the movie.

It was hard to watch.

It lands third place because somehow, Breaking Dawn was worse.

4. Breaking Dawn Part Two

I’ll just list the positives: the intro was very pretty and promised a better movie. It was also long, which we appreciated because it took away from the movie’s runtime. (This is not at all an exaggeration, a lot of the time watching all five movies was spent looking at the remaining runtime and groaning.) The Tommy Wiseau sex scene in the sex cabin was uncomfortable, but the fact that it would have fit perfectly in The Room made it funny. The Romanians were genuinely, unironically, great, because of all of Carlisle’s trashy friends, these were the only ones the movie didn’t try to convince us weren’t trashy.

This movie ranks above Breaking Dawn Part One because of the things listed above.

Apart from that, something all of these movies, but especially the last four, suffer from is that they don’t have plots so much as they have a check list of things to put in the movie before they can call it a wrap. This movie is the worst offender of that, and it’s made worse by the film’s expectation that the people are fans who already know what’s happening, and therefore don’t need anything explained. I’ll explain what we mean by that.

We get Bella waking up a vampire, and absolutely nothing is explained. If you don’t know what happened in the last movie then fuck you. Bella then goes hunting, we get the hiker, we get the mountain lion, she goes back to meet Renesmée, finds out Jake imprinted on her daughter, we get the sex cabin, the handwrestling with Emmett. The Charlie problem is introduced (poorly), only to be solved a scene later with emotional payoff that had absolutely no buildup. All of these things, and the rest of the movie as well for that matter, feels like we’re just crossing items off a list.

Since the audience is expected to already know the story, the story only bothers to explain about half of what’s happening, if half. Who’s the lady living with Charlie? If you don’t know, don’t worry because it’s not important anyway. When did Kate and Garrett fall in love? If you don’t care, that's understandable, because they’ve barely interacted in the movie. Who are the Amazonian women? Do they have names? Don’t worry about it. Did Alistair actually leave, if so did that have an impact? Well, Bella stared at a window for a few seconds.

Every so often the characters will start quoting the books, and it’ll be completely out of place because these movies veered off course long ago. Carlisle references his great friendship with Aro, a friendship that was only briefly mentioned at the beginning of the second movie. Aro randomly starts talking about how scary human technology is.

All of these scenes feel like Marcus is telling the story, he’s just listing events waiting for the story to be over, and forgets a lot of pertinent details because he doesn’t care enough to remember them. There’s no effort to tie these scenes together, no effort to build up to anything.

There’s also one significant failure, and this is a failure shared by all five films, but it affects the plot (I use the term “plot” loosely) of this movie which is why it gets a special shoutout here. Vampires in these movies look human. The fact that Bella has to ask Edward is Gianna the secretary is human says it all, because in the books you know instantly, there’s not even a question. This makes the Charlie subplot ridiculous, because Bella looks and acts the same as ever. She had a trashy makeover, maybe, but she’s still Bella. Watching her get human acting classes after we watched her act perfectly human is just silly. Now, we’re all for suspension of belief, but this movie just pencil drew a moustache on her and the audience is supposed to go “My god, Bella, I didn’t recognize you!”

We then get to the atrocious fight scene, which was somehow worse than I remembered. It was also oddly long for a giant fake out. This scene took significant run time and it turns out to have 0 effect on the plot. And when we get back to the real world, the tonal shift is extreme. You can’t go from Jane being choked, dragged across the snow and face eaten by a wolf to her standing around chilling. We could have skipped it entirely, just had Alice touch Aro’s hand, and he goes “Ah, I see, cheerio.”

The end credits were pretty funny, “here are these random characters with bit parts in previous movies, isn’t this nostalgic?”. Nice try, movie. The fact this came after an extended clip show of the great romance of Edward and Bella, through blurry montage images that failed to be convincing in their original films let alone this one, just made it even more hilarious. Hope you didn’t completely ruin the director’s career, though honestly you should a bit.

5. Breaking Dawn Part One

As you can probably tell by the above entries, the fact that this is the worst one is really saying something. All the movies were hard to watch, but this one required pure strength of will to power through.

The big issue is that Breaking Dawn shouldn’t have been split in the first place. However, it was, and that meant that we got a movie that was almost entirely filler. (Followed, somehow, by a movie that was also largely filler.)

We get everybody preparing for the wedding. What do Mike and Jessica think of Bella and Edward getting married? What’s that, you don’t care? Well, now you know anyway. We get the full wedding, as in the whole fucking thing, including the afterparty. We get Bella and Edward traveling to their island, and there’s filler in the filler where they go clubbing in Rio. We then get every minute detail of the wedding night followed by every minute detail of the honeymoon.

There’s fanservice, and then there’s this. This was live action fanfiction.

NOTHING that in any way is relevant to the story happens, the closest we get is Irina looking stoned. Too bad the Denali’ refusal to help out in Eclipse was cut from the last movie, in fact I’m not sure they were mentioned at all previously in these movies (I think maybe Edward had a one-line reference in Twilight?) so this means nothing to people who haven’t read the books.

We then get to the pregnancy arc, which could have been Rosemary’s Baby but is instead as outrageously boring as the first half of the movie was. The director must have realized as much, because he gives us Jacob’s alpha plot that should have been cut from the movie (yes, I know it was in the books, but the thing about adaptations is that things have to go. For the record, I think Meyer should have cut it too). That subplot was straight out of an anime, by the way. Jacob claiming his ancestral rights as alpha while listing off his titles and the soaring music, was… every shounen anime, ever. Complete with the shitty voice acting.

It was a soul-crushingly boring movie.

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Something that screws over the last four movies is that they were made to feed the fangirls, and generate revenue because the producers knew the fans were coming to watch the books they liked come to life, so they just had to throw scenes from the books and into the movies and let the magic happen. This is a terrible way to adapt something.

Special shoutout too to having to watch Taylor Lautner run around shirtless in four out of five movies. That was very uncomfortable and none of us needed that in our lives, Lautner included.

Super special shoutout to the fact that we disagree with nearly all the casting.

And this isn’t the post for that, but all of the characters were butchered. Some more than others, and some more insidiously than others. It’s the big things, like Carlisle’s character being turned on its head since he thinks all vampires are damned, exactly the opposite of what he thinks in the books, and the little things, like Jasper and Bella being buddies who bicker fondly in New Moon. 

Then the books:

1. Midnight Sun

HANDS DOWN. This is easily our favorite thing to come out of the entire Twilight franchise.

Edward is every kind of crazy at the same time, all the time, and it makes every single sentence packed with delirious entertainment. Reading this book is having a stroke, a psychotic episode, and watching five different true crime shows all at once. We adore every letter of it. (That’s no exaggeration, we even laughed about Edward capitalizing “Son” when Carlisle refers to him as “son” in conversation.)

The book was more than we’d dared to hope for, one of those rare books that makes you go “This was written just for me.”

2. Twilight

The one that started it all.

Vampires are wonderfully creepy. Things like Bella staring at Carlisle acting like the mundane town doctor shortly after learning just how old he is, Alice explaining how vampires kill all, and the uncanny valley perfection of the Cullens all add to the otherness of these vampires, and the general atmosphere of the book.

The love story is convincing. Edward seen through the eyes of Bella is wonderful, the red flags are there but if it weren’t for the books that followed we wouldn’t have decried the ship the way we do.

3. Eclipse

Breaking Dawn is the more interesting book, but Eclipse has less things we outright don’t like. We get to know all the characters better, Edward and Bella are their usual beautiful selves, and it’s overall peak Twilight.

4. Breaking Dawn

Would have ranked much higher, we like what it did. Without it we wouldn’t be in this fandom now, as it brought so much amazing content. The baby plot is fine by us, Carlisle’s friends are great, the Volturi confrontation is a beautiful, if bleak culmination of preventable events. There’s a lot of great stuff in this book.

Unfortunately, and there’s just no diplomatic way to put this, so I’ll just come out with it: there’s too much Jacob.

He no longer had a reason to be in the story, given the way Eclipse ended he had every reason not to be in it. In spite of that we get an entire third of the book from his point of view, and then damned if he’s not shoehorned into the last third as well. He added absolutely nothing to the story, he was just there taking up space and being possessive of a toddler. His POV section was tough to get through, and his presence in book three was just painful. He should have been cut.

5. New Moon

This was the book we had to power through. There are some very good things in it, most notably the Volturi scene, but the Muffin and I enjoy Twilight for the vampires, and that makes Laurent and Hallucination!Edward the highlights of the part of the book where Edward is gone.

There’s also the fact that Jacob isn’t a very compelling character. He has to carry the book now that the Cullens aren’t doing it, and he simply isn’t up for it.

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Yes, we’re aware that these books are ranked according to how much Jacob is in them. We don’t even hate him, not at all, it’s just that he’s boring.

(That being said, the books at their worst are better than the movies at their best. Jacob narrating his perfect playdate with Renesmée would still be preferable to… I’m trying to think of a good scene from the movies. Hm, nevermind.)

As for The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner and Life and Death, only I have read Bree Tanner and I don’t remember it well enough to give a proper assessment. I was bored with the OCs, though, bored to tears, throughout that book I was itching for Victoria and the Cullens. We have not read Life and Death, but we’re offended by its existence so it ranks bottom.