#it was the withdrawal! the whole time!
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cutting sugar does tank your mood but the moment you realize that's the thing that's making you spiral it doesn't feel so bad
#dude i just cut alcohol too#i was binge drinking when i was on vacation last week and the depression bouts in between were fucking awful#and then i cut sugar when i came back because i have been through the goddamn wringer in terms of my interpersonal relationships#and i wanted to start fresh and play the game#the game being attractiveness capitalism#but also i want to be immortal#and i'm wondering why my mood is getting worse when i had so much hope in my heart#it was the withdrawal! the whole time!#i'm also cutting caffeine but way slower but maybe that's causing issues#maybe i should wait to detox from caffeine#idk i don't think i want to go through it all again i think i just want rip off the bandaid once and for all
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Eragon and Nasuada are both well loved characters with a lot of good qualities, but they also have some serious flaws and make some grave mistakes. For example, I feel they're objectionable treatment of Murtagh has been discussed relatively often. However, I think they need Way More criticism for how utterly negligent they were in preparing for the confrontation with Galbatorix. Without the outside benefit of genre awareness, it's so egregious how they almost never even try to come up with a plan to kill him. I feel like it springs from inexperience, being overwhelmed, and arrogance, but it's so severe because the ramifications extend to countless lives beyond their own. And no matter the reasons for it, neither of them ever then acknowledge this failing and amend for its consequences, and that is inexcusable. The fact that the first and only plan they ever had to defeat Galbatorix (which immediately fails btw), Eragon came up with hours before the final battle is honestly sickening. Considering their war is justified by a moral basis, the Varden's ethics, specifically in their leaders are all but non-existent.
Why???!!!! It feels like they take no responsibility for their allies! Their concern for them is vague at best and doesn't inform their actions. It's as if they believe that because these people willingly joined their cause knowing they could die, they as leaders are free of blame for anything that happens to them, which is a naive and indulgent misconception. Their decisions still determine those people's fates! And in regards to the eventual fight against Galbatorix, that potential fate they're taking a chance with should they lose is all their allies being slaughtered, down to the very last man. For a start. But Eragon and Nasuada are too young to shoulder that weight as their stations demand and too arrogant to admit their inability, so they just leave it by the wayside.
#eragon#inheritance cycle#eragon shadeslayer#nasuada#its also just a result of overall weak writing lol but thats another conversation#maybe thats why im so unforgiving of it#it could have been a better piece of their characters if it was acknowledged or if they faced any consequences for it#but its not.#the way orrin freaked out and threatened to withdraw when eragon decided to up and go to vroengard-#-the literal morning after becoming leader of the varden was fully justified orrin had every right#because eragon was openly admitting that There Is No Plan#it was cold hard proof that he didn't believe there was a chance they could beat galbatorix as is#which is what they'd been lying about to orrin the whole fucking time#the betrayal of it all...#*sigh* ......................anyway.#when do i just change my blog title to 'orrin apologist' lmao
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Watching Mavis contemplate the idea of herself possibly being on the path to becoming an alcoholic is strangely cathartic after how she treated me for being an alcoholic. I'd say I wouldn't wish the shit I've gone through on my worst enemy, and that's mostly true. I wouldn't wish the shit I've gone through in full on my worst enemy.
So I hope her recovery goes quick. But I also hope it sucks. I hope she gets withdrawals that she recovers from, but I hope she suffers the fevers and the chills and the cramps and the cravings and the agony. I hope she learns a lesson in how she enables and encourages the way society treats the struggling, the less fortunate, the downtrodden, the traumatised, the addicted.
I hope she learns something from this and never speculates or utters another fucking word about anyone else's coping habits or addictions. I hope she learns to stay in her fucking lane and not judge people for the methods they use to cope.
I hope she comes away with the knowledge of what her own medicine tastes like, and I hope it's bitter.
#mavisposting#tacking on that you wouldn't be having cravings for alcohol after only one drink the day before so she's defo lying for sympathy points#so y'know. as always. manipulative#i do genuinely hope she gets better if she is falling into addiction tho (which she's not because she's a liar)#but i also hope it sucks the whole fucking time she's getting better (which she won't because she's a liar)#i hope her withdrawals are short but also the worst thing that's ever happened to her#even if it's just one day of withdrawals. i hope she gets all the shit i coped with for weeks when i went cold turkey#i hope she learns how fucking hard it is and she never says another cruel word to or about addicts of any sort#i don't care if i sound cruel atp. it's 12am. i'm sleepy. i'm tired of the world's cruelty#and i'm especially tired of her woe-is-me manipulative lying bullshit#the utter fucking audacity she has to lie about this shit after everything she said about my alcoholism and drug use#she can get fucked royally actually. fuck her. i don't care. genuinely one of the worst people i've ever met and that's saying something
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#ferns speaks#tag ramble time because i am suffering#like semi serious lmao#the fucking fatal combo of my doctors being late and weird prescribing medications i've been on unchanged for 10 yrs#and the pharmacists being weird about getting it sorted for me...#despite me ordering it all like a week and a half before i needed it#has now left me for a whole week without medications...and now horrid withdrawals#i feel like i'm losing my mind i've slept so much had endless panic attacks felt like puke#i'm in so much full body pain it's stupid#all i've wanted to do for the past week is draw and make and play with the dragon age dolls i've been gifted#but instead i can't focus or sit too long or hold a pen too long or see clearly or sleep enough or think straight or or or#gotta do 8.5 hours of work a day though :)#will totally delete in a bit but i had to ramble before i went insane
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tptm chp 17 sketches part 1 >:))))))
tptm... the fic that can have the cutest moments ever to only crush my soul two paragraphs later
#my art#art#artists on tumblr#tptm#to promise the moon#cassandra dimitrescu#I HAVE MORE TO DRAW >:)#i was literally having withdrawals the whole time in class because i wanted to draw 💀
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🖤💀Woodstock'99 Jon💀🖤
#korn#korn band#korn fandom#nu metal#jonathan davis#jd korn#jdevil#jnthn dvs#woodstock#woodstock'99#man you know the whole band was just exhausted and anxious-#jon especially since he was going through Drug Withdrawal at the time and hadn't performed in awhile#Jon even complained about being in pain the whole time#my poor skrunkly boyo :(#I'm real glad he got clean though!
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Just applied for a summer childcare position (like for a camp type thing) that pays 20–28 dollars an hour based on qualifications (I should be towards the end of that scale because I work in a school; and the only requirement the job lists is to be 16 and have experience with children). So hopefully they’ll consider me. That would be wonderful.
#I hate applying for jobs so much. Everyone uses a different website that makes you sign up for newsletters that clog your email#that you have to manually unsubscribe to#But yeah that’s way more than I get paid as a para lol#which is kind of sad because being a para or teacher is a lot more strenuous and complex than supervising kids during structured play#Because usually the kids enjoy stuff like rock climbing and swimming#so you don’t have to guide them through ten different layers of mental gymnastics to complete their work#or sometimes physically keep them from leaving the learning area after every problem they complete#(of course I do the last thing very gently; and I don’t like having to carry kids from under tables back to their seats#but they’re not going to learn anything if they stay underneath tables all day long… that kind of defeats the purpose of being in school.#I give a lot of verbal warnings before too. Some kids just refuse to learn all the time regardless of their mood because it’s funny to them#Anyway: Kids should not be playing video games past bedtime on a fucking Oculus Rift#Like seriously the tech withdrawal in some of these babies is palpable#Horrifying#Anyway this summer job will be a breeze if I get it#Hopefully no one will be begging me for chromebooks during rock climbing#(I know it sounds like I’m irritated with the kids; and I am. But it’s more irritation with their parents letting them become addicted#to iPads for the sake of convenience; and also frustration directed at capitalism that makes the parents so tired#that they let the iPad babysit their kids so they can rest. It’s the whole system man. It’s fucked.)
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the fact that the ebu is taking more time than usual to release the participants list for eurovision this year gives me hope they're at least reconsidering allowing israel (and maybe azerbaijan, for that matter) to participate
#tho since they had to have 10 whole broadcasters publicly threaten to withdraw#if russia was allowed into 2022s contest#it unfortunately isnt super likely#unless the broadcasters are doing it behind closed doors for some reason#either way hopefully they dont platform genocidal governments#but time will tell#eurovision#eurovision 2024
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[Taking a break]
#you can pry halo imagery from my cold dead hands#this turned out very different from how i wanted it to be#this was originally a pre-embrace leo piece but i got distracted#it was gonna be this whole thing about blood bond withdrawals#i might try and draw out my original idea later actually#fun fact i actually did type out an article for the newspaper but i had to blur it#another fun fact is that the two photos are of blake and pauline#eric finally speaks#vtm oc#oc art#Leo West#tw smoking#this was my first time digitally drawing smoke i hope i did a good job
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mr neils father pls compliment your son tell him he was amazing pls he was so good
#pls dont pull him out of school mr neils father pls im gonna throw up#MR PERRY WHAT DO U MEAN MAKE IT WORSE THAN IT IS#HE PULLED THE WINDOW UP HE COULDNT EVEN LET HIM SAY BYE TO HIS FRIENDS???#spooky liveblogs (kind of)#is that mrs perry mrs perry pls your son was happy on stage mr perry pls#he never asked his dad i knew it but id dirnt wanna believe it#AND BES WITHDRAWING HIM FROM SFHOKL I KNEW JT I DIDJT WANNA BELIEVE IT#MILITARY SCHOOL???? WHAT???#hes not gonna tell him its gonna go to shit im sick to my motherfreaking stomach poor neil#and he dies hes not dead yet but hes gonna die miserable#he was really good neil you were really good whole time i thought by some miracle mr perry liked the play#its not gonna be all alright bro#im shaking hes gonna kill himself i can feel it. i thought his death was a freak accident hes gonna end it#this is how it feels genuinely bro he killed himself with his fathers gun theres somethn poetic ab it#hes not alright your husband pushed him bro#thats todds roomate the dps leader oh my god bro i cant take it#i knew it was going to shit i didnt wanna believe it. the whole scene with the crown ans evrythint was beautiful#it was his father poor todd bro they were bffs he wouldnt have done it if his father wasnt like that#his father trapped him he freed himself with his father's weapon
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#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage#directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space#im just fucking. im at my saturation point#its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking#mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance#and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting#that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck#ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done#im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine#bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt#working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating#god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to#feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even#this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong#im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must#be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care#leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care#anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy#i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago#itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage#unrelated
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Me a few weeks ago: I’m going to be on tumblr more and answer messages and -
Life: actually great news! You’re mentally ill in the not-funny way and we have to change your meds again
Me: ah right I don’t get to do things I like I forgot
#starlight personal#okay this time I mean it#I will get to the messages waiting for me tonight#it’s been a whole thing with my meds and we had to start tapering them off#and that sucked BUT today we are Done tapering and now I have 2-3 weeks of No Meds#so tumblr will be perf distraction from rawdogging life I imagine#when I’m done with work I’m coming for those messages I swear I SWEAR unless withdrawal hits hard#but I’m assuming I get 2-3 days of feeling alright before withdrawal hits b/c that’s what it’s been like every time#thus! message answering and then finding new blogs to follow that align with current interests
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Me looking thru pics of Arthur Morgan like a smoke break 💀
#me getting withdrawals from not drawing my ocs for one (1) day HRGHGGG#naw jk my ass needs this even if i do get restless and figity pfft lord#the first flight i was overcome with aw of earth and ended up staring out the window the whole time#the second i slept like a vampire for 5+ hrs only awaking for refreshments like holding cat food under a sleeping cats nose#which is a miracle??? weather is fukkin day after tomorrow type shit rn skskssk#the line of atmosphere where its just pure white oblivion thats wHERE ITS AT BAYBAYYY#anyway MERRY CRISMUS YAWLL🎅🎄🎁🎄🎅🎁🎄#my crops flourishing my skin (emotionally) is clear
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i swear some people only became professors for the power trip n not bc they actually want to help people learn
#gom.txt#bc why was i dropped from one of my classes for my grade which is only low bc i missed the exam#bc the professor didn’t even make it visible until the day of and i check assignments the day before#and i didn’t know about the course commitment policy#so i tried emailing the guy being as respectful n apologetic as i can bc i actually like the class in terms of what we’re learning#n he just doubles down on me missing the window to consult with him when he didn’t even send anything until yesterday l#and he sent it to my school email instead of directly on canvas so i didn’t see shit til my advisor contacted me abt it#like shouldn’t a professor jump at the fact that a student is desperate to be a part of the course they’re teaching#and there’s a one week window for him to recind it and put me back in the class but he just full on refuses#like now i’ve got a penalty withdrawal on my permanent record#the only upside is i was taking 5 classes so i’m still a full time student with 4/ 12 credits#but i’ll have to take summer courses to stay on track for spring 2025 graduation#this whole thing pissed me off and made me cry a little#anyways feel free to join me in sending dr. cornelison the second bad vibes#my advisor was very kind and patient abt it tho i would have had a meltdown without her#this is getting to long let me eat and then take this fuck ass exam#icb i thought statistics would be my problem class
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i am a failure
#i need a hug so bad i fucking failed my writing class and im so embarrassed#sorry i know ur not supposed to blame ur mental problems on things but the adhd and ptsd combo are 100% why i failed#this happens every semester. i fail a class or i have to withdraw from one#im so embarrassed#like actually#i just had a whole breakdown in the shower. i never should have chose college#but i can’t stop now because 1) that’s two and a half years wasted#2) money wasted#3) i lose insurance#4) i subject myself to mental pain and being in constant fight or flight mode at home#bc i’m sorry nobody should be subjected to chronic triggers it’s actual fucking hell and this is the worst it has ever been#probably because i just came out of a very traumatic situation the last time i was with these people#i hate my life im losing control of everything and idk what to do#fuck#lol
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This is so incredibly real. Like yes they’re AWFUL and they’re LOSERS but that’s not the issue we’re trying to fix here
“your characters need to be likeable” allow me to introduce you to the very worst guy who ever lived
#Hassan fakes his death for a year and doesn’t really think about the consequences#he also kills a man#and jumpstarts the rising of snger god from the cult he joined#Joanne is so mean but I’d never call her awful she’s simply just having the worst time#her girlfriend is her exact opposite and it physically pains her to hear her lie which is in her nature#her dad is her mom who killed him and took over his body and who killed her actual mom#she’s killed a lot and has to take care of her little brother who is slightly sociopathic because of how he was raised#Benjamin is his whole personal can of worms and Lee sucks but more in a loser w anger issues wau#jude is just awful generally she’s not nice#princess who doesn’t understand the amount of prissiness she gives off#she eats someone’s hand dorry#she was hungry#she hangs her father but that’s honestly the best thing she’s ever done#pez is a freak and has 3 children who do not speak to her anymore#she’s drunk medicinal alcohol when going through withdrawals and had to get saved#I have a lot of more bad people but they’re supposed to be awful#Anne sleeps with and kills a 17 year old for a cult sacrifice to conceive a child chimera who dhe absndons because she thinks he’s defective#from ages 30-47#and then posesses his body and makes him think he’s going crazy#and then she takes his boyfriend#-3/10#Malina is kind of awful#she’s just got a lot of trauma she’s working through and her chest gets tight when she has to even think about talking about her emotions#she’s started so many bar fights and then gotten mad at Leith for stopping them#Krina isn’t awful she’s just a bitch#Farah ronan and Amado r all safe because they’re all my favorites#and Lale Quinn leith and wryder from the other story#wryder is awful but he’s a 13 year old boy he’s allowed to be#my writing
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