#it was the kind of book that rewires your brain

[attila-werther]

GET MARRIED

[bookishdiplodocus]

The Neurodivergent Writer’s Guide to Fun and Productivity

(Even when life beats you down)

Look, I’m a mom, I have ADHD, I’m a spoonie. To say that I don’t have heaps of energy to spare and I struggle with consistency is an understatement. For years, I tried to write consistently, but I couldn’t manage to keep up with habits I built and deadlines I set.

So fuck neurodivergent guides on building habits, fuck “eat the frog first”, fuck “it’s all in the grind”, and fuck “you just need time management”—here is how I manage to write often and a lot.

Focus on having fun, not on the outcome

This was the groundwork I had to lay before I could even start my streak. At an online writing conference, someone said: “If you push yourself and meet your goals, and you publish your book, but you haven’t enjoyed the process… What’s the point?” and hoo boy, that question hit me like a truck.

I was so caught up in the narrative of “You’ve got to show up for what’s important” and “Push through if you really want to get it done”. For a few years, I used to read all these productivity books about grinding your way to success, and along the way I started using the same language as they did. And I notice a lot of you do so, too.

But your brain doesn’t like to grind. No-one’s brain does, and especially no neurodivergent brain. If having to write gives you stress or if you put pressure on yourself for not writing (enough), your brain’s going to say: “Huh. Writing gives us stress, we’re going to try to avoid it in the future.”

So before I could even try to write regularly, I needed to teach my brain once again that writing is fun. I switched from countable goals like words or time to non-countable goals like “fun” and “flow”.

Rewire my brain: writing is fun and I’m good at it

I used everything I knew about neuroscience, psychology, and social sciences. These are some of the things I did before and during a writing session. Usually not all at once, and after a while I didn’t need these strategies anymore, although I sometimes go back to them when necessary.

I journalled all the negative thoughts I had around writing and try to reason them away, using arguments I knew in my heart were true. (The last part is the crux.) Imagine being supportive to a writer friend with crippling insecurities, only the friend is you.

Not setting any goals didn’t work for me—I still nurtured unwanted expectations. So I did set goals, but made them non-countable, like “have fun”, “get in the flow”, or “write”. Did I write? Yes. Success! Your brain doesn’t actually care about how high the goal is, it cares about meeting whatever goal you set.

I didn’t even track how many words I wrote. Not relevant.

I set an alarm for a short time (like 10 minutes) and forbade myself to exceed that time. The idea was that if I write until I run out of mojo, my brain learns that writing drains the mojo. If I write for 10 minutes and have fun, my brain learns that writing is fun and wants to do it again.

Reinforce the fact that writing makes you happy by rewarding your brain immediately afterwards. You know what works best for you: a walk, a golden sticker, chocolate, cuddle your dog, whatever makes you happy.

I conditioned myself to associate writing with specific stimuli: that album, that smell, that tea, that place. Any stimulus can work, so pick one you like. I consciously chose several stimuli so I could switch them up, and the conditioning stays active as long as I don’t muddle it with other associations.

Use a ritual to signal to your brain that Writing Time is about to begin to get into the zone easier and faster. I guess this is a kind of conditioning as well? Meditation, music, lighting a candle… Pick your stimulus and stick with it.

Specifically for rewiring my brain, I started a new WIP that had no emotional connotations attached to it, nor any pressure to get finished or, heaven forbid, meet quality norms. I don’t think these techniques above would have worked as well if I had applied them on writing my novel.

It wasn’t until I could confidently say I enjoyed writing again, that I could start building up a consistent habit. No more pushing myself.

I lowered my definition for success

When I say that nowadays I write every day, that’s literally it. I don’t set out to write 1,000 or 500 or 10 words every day (tried it, failed to keep up with it every time)—the only marker for success when it comes to my streak is to write at least one word, even on the days when my brain goes “naaahhh”. On those days, it suffices to send myself a text with a few keywords or a snippet. It’s not “success on a technicality (derogatory)”, because most of those snippets and ideas get used in actual stories later. And if they don’t, they don’t. It’s still writing. No writing is ever wasted.

A side note on high expectations, imposter syndrome, and perfectionism

Obviously, “Setting a ridiculously low goal” isn’t something I invented. I actually got it from those productivity books, only I never got it to work. I used to tell myself: “It’s okay if I don’t write for an hour, because my goal is to write for 20 minutes and if I happen to keep going for, say, an hour, that’s a bonus.” Right? So I set the goal for 20 minutes, wrote for 35 minutes, and instead of feeling like I exceeded my goal, I felt disappointed because apparently I was still hoping for the bonus scenario to happen. I didn’t know how to set a goal so low and believe it.

I think the trick to making it work this time lies more in the groundwork of training my brain to enjoy writing again than in the fact that my daily goal is ridiculously low. I believe I’m a writer, because I prove it to myself every day. Every success I hit reinforces the idea that I’m a writer. It’s an extra ward against imposter syndrome.

Knowing that I can still come up with a few lines of dialogue on the Really Bad Days—days when I struggle to brush my teeth, the day when I had a panic attack in the supermarket, or the day my kid got hit by a car—teaches me that I can write on the mere Bad-ish Days.

The more I do it, the more I do it

The irony is that setting a ridiculously low goal almost immediately led to writing more and more often. The most difficult step is to start a new habit. After just a few weeks, I noticed that I needed less time and energy to get into the zone. I no longer needed all the strategies I listed above.

Another perk I noticed, was an increased writing speed. After just a few months of writing every day, my average speed went from 600 words per hour to 1,500 wph, regularly exceeding 2,000 wph without any loss of quality.

Talking about quality: I could see myself becoming a better writer with every passing month. Writing better dialogue, interiority, chemistry, humour, descriptions, whatever: they all improved noticeably, and I wasn’t a bad writer to begin with.

The increased speed means I get more done with the same amount of energy spent. I used to write around 2,000-5,000 words per month, some months none at all. Nowadays I effortlessly write 30,000 words per month. I didn’t set out to write more, it’s just a nice perk.

Look, I’m not saying you should write every day if it doesn’t work for you. My point is: the more often you write, the easier it will be.

No pressure

Yes, I’m still working on my novel, but I’m not racing through it. I produce two or three chapters per month, and the rest of my time goes to short stories my brain keeps projecting on the inside of my eyelids when I’m trying to sleep. I might as well write them down, right?

These short stories started out as self-indulgence, and even now that I take them more seriously, they are still just for me. I don’t intend to ever publish them, no-one will ever read them, they can suck if they suck. The unintended consequence was that my short stories are some of my best writing, because there’s no pressure, it’s pure fun.

Does it make sense to spend, say, 90% of my output on stories no-one else will ever read? Wouldn’t it be better to spend all that creative energy and time on my novel? Well, yes. If you find the magic trick, let me know, because I haven’t found it yet. The short stories don’t cannibalize on the novel, because they require different mindsets. If I stopped writing the short stories, I wouldn’t produce more chapters. (I tried. Maybe in the future? Fingers crossed.)

Don’t wait for inspiration to hit

There’s a quote by Picasso: “Inspiration hits, but it has to find you working.” I strongly agree. Writing is not some mystical, muse-y gift, it’s a skill and inspiration does exist, but usually it’s brought on by doing the work. So just get started and inspiration will come to you.

Accountability and community

Having social factors in your toolbox is invaluable. I have an offline writing friend I take long walks with, I host a monthly writing club on Discord, and I have another group on Discord that holds me accountable every day. They all motivate me in different ways and it’s such a nice thing to share my successes with people who truly understand how hard it can be.

The productivity books taught me that if you want to make a big change in your life or attitude, surrounding yourself with people who already embody your ideal or your goal huuuugely helps. The fact that I have these productive people around me who also prioritize writing, makes it easier for me to stick to my own priorities.

Your toolbox

The idea is to have several techniques at your disposal to help you stay consistent. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket by focussing on just one technique. Keep all of them close, and if one stops working or doesn’t inspire you today, pivot and pick another one.

After a while, most “tools” run in the background once they are established. Things like surrounding myself with my writing friends, keeping up with my daily streak, and listening to the album I conditioned myself with don’t require any energy, and they still remain hugely beneficial.

Do you have any other techniques? I’d love to hear about them!

I hope this was useful. Happy writing!

[loriache]

Butch up that Elf: my Marcille manifesto

TBQH, this came into being because the Falin "dragoness" fanart rewired my brain completely. It's sillytimes, but we're going to make a serious argument: trying out being a little butch would Fix Her.

1. Marcille Gender Discomfort

Now, Marcille LOVES feminity. She loves playing dressup, she loves elaborate gowns, she spends her free time going to the spa - the absolute last thing I want is to deny that. However, there's also a definite vibe that this isn't just a preference. Specifically, the way that she pushes Falin towards femininity suggests that she isn't comfortable with gender nonconformity in the people around her.

If this was something she was 100% confident about ("I'm doing this for myself and nobody else!") surely what other people do wouldn't be a big deal? Of course, you can read this as a little bit of solipsism; "what works for me must work for you too! I think this is so cute and would suit you - wouldn't you agree?"

But for the sake of this argument, all I'm trying to suggest is that gender nonconformity (and probably sexual nonconformity... well, frankly, any kind of sexuality at all) is unlikely to be something that's on Marcille's "radar". She hasn't tried out other ways of presenting and decided she doesn't like them. I do think she'd be a very flamboyant butch - "ouji lolita" vibes, you know? It's a whole new set of wardrobe options she could play dress-up in, even.

After the story ends, she starts dressing like her mother in all black, which makes sense - her mother was also a court magician, so she's probably emulating her in order to project confidence and authority. But I can't say I think she should stick with this. Break away and be your own person, Marcille! Try a fancy waistcoat and frilled jacket!

2. Haircut

This is another potential hard sell, I'm sure. The people she loves doing her hair is a cute symbol of their care for her, and her hair is key to her magic - so there's plenty of reason for her to keep it long. But like... think practically. Having someone do your hair every morning, for the whole of her long life, while it gets messier over the day (because she can't remember to keep it neat)... That's got to be such a pain. My hair gets messy when I put a hoodie on. And I have short hair.

It would require her to go through a change of mind, and probably a little more growth in how secure she feels in her relationships, but - the hairdo's a symbol. The more important thing is the relationships themselves. Eventually I think there might be something liberating about cutting it off, even if she might eventually decide to grow it out again.

The lion, her trauma, took something away from her which was really important to her. The people around her are able to make that easier, and make up for it, and soften that loss, but... Mithrun isn't the person he was before, you know? He's a new person. The relationship he has with his brother is new, and I don't know if it's one that the person he was before could have had. If Falin hadn't died, they wouldn't have gone on that wonderful adventure! They wouldn't have met Senshi or saved Izutsumi and Laios and Marcille wouldn't have gotten so close. So I think it's totally congruent with the themes of the story that the burning away of this part of Marcille's self might eventually create the potential for new growth in a new direction, not clinging onto the parts that are gone.

This also isn't totally out of the norm for elven mages - both Otta and Flamela have short hair. Otta is canonically butch, and potentially Flamela reads that way to elves too, but the point is it clearly is possible to be an accomplished mage without long hair.

3. Desiring (to be) a chivalrous prince

Marcille's succubus is clearly General Halleus from her favourite book series, the Daltian Clan. The fact that this is her ideal man.... it certainly plays into readings of her as Not Straight. But at least, this conveys the way her conception of sex and romance is strongly idealised, dissociated from the bodily and from physical desire.

There are many ways to interpret that, including thinking about what types of desire this fixation is obstructing because she is not comfortable with it, but I am going to focus here on what this desire does signify. She likes the trappings of courtly romance, and is clearly comfortable putting herself in the role of the princess, being taken away on a white horse by a noble (but tormented; eyepatch has "death" on it lmao) prince. (Though I think he's actually the token male lead who isn't royalty; he's a General. There's always one in Romfan, lmao. IYKYK)

A kiss on the hand - this is so chaste, I think it's clear it's more about desire to play a role in a dynamic than it is about desire in a physical sense. There is undoubtedly a big part of Marcille that wants to be a beloved and chased-after princess, but I think it isn't at all impossible that she'd also enjoy being the powerful, cool, and chivalrous "prince" to someone (a pretty girl, perhaps) who needs her protection.

This is a little silly, because it's clearly just aping the shoujo artstyle that articulates basically the same idea as her succubus, that Marcille is attached to highly abstracted and idealised romantic (and Romantic) tropes and ideas. But the imaginary "successful" Marcille from chapter 4 looks quite similar to her succubus. (Another thing I noticed is that in the fantasy she has sharp ears... like full elves have. Despite what she says, I think the cultural messaging that this trait is "attractive" and hers are inferior got to her at least a bit. 😥)

Also, the way that she treats Falin, scolding her indulgently, trying to look after her and wanting to be looked up to and respected by her... that aligns more with the "masculine" role in the trope that her succubus is referencing. "What are we going to do with you...?" I can imagine her saying this to Falin, word for word. Whereas, if anyone real started talking down to her, even affectionately, I don't think she'd like it, given the negative way she reacts when people don't respect her or her skills. Especially after canon, given the way the Winged Lion was treating her.

Her attitude to Falin is partially down to her reluctance to acknowledge Falin as an adult, who is independent and can grow beyond her and leave her behind. But I think even as they move on from that unhealthy dynamic, Marcille is still going to get pleasure from feeling capable, reliable, able to look after and protect Falin. She'd like to pull the chair out for her in a restaurant on a date, you know?

4. Conclusion

Even after the growth she goes through during the story, there are parts of Marcille's character that are very much obstructed. Romance, sexuality, and gender, feel like one of those to me. The way that her discomfort with the messy origins of food betrayed a deeper, more significant discomfort with the cycles of life and death.

Much in the same way, I'd argue that the simplified, idealistic, and safely fantastical way that she views romance, as well as her very "safe" gender presentation and tendency to push it onto others as well, suggest an underlying discomfort in her own gender and sexuality. The character growth she goes through leaves her in a place where it may be possible to safely re-evaluate her relationship with Falin, as well as her choice of clothing and hairstyle, both things that go through a change at the end of the manga. Neither, I think, reach a sustainable stopping point that we see - there will be a point when it's more servants doing her hair than friends, just out of practicality, because they're all going to be so, so busy. The black clothing to copy her mum is cute, but once she gets some more self-confidence in her own skills as a court magician, I think she'll move on from it. And... who knows what direction her relationship with Falin will develop, over the years? I'm rooting for them, anyway.

In all those cases, I think moving outside of the things she's done before, into something really different from the things that are "safe" and expected, will be the most rewarding path for her. Like in the dungeon, things that she would initially reject were actually able to sustain her and broaden her tastes. She loves dressing up, looking after people, and "princely romance". So I say: Butch Marcille! It'll be good for her!!

[fuckyeahdindjarin]

Ravel

A Seams Christmas special oneshot | Moodboard

{ Part IV: Notch | Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist }

Rating: T

Summary: Joel swings by yours with a little something before Christmas dinner at Tommy and Maria's.

Warnings: Unapologetic fluff and softness, inspired by this ask from @casssiopeia from the beginning of the year, no use of Y/N, very lightly edited

Word count: 2k

Notes: I'm so proud of writing up this little drabble. I've been in such a weird place with my writing, I'm just happy to end the year on a creative high. Obviously, I'm a few days late to Christmas, but better late than never!

There is a voice in my head telling me that this isn't good enough, that it doesn't hold up to what I was writing earlier this year. But I need to rewire my brain. There is no such thing as 'good' or 'bad' when it comes to fanfiction. All fanfiction is good fanfiction. This is our hobby, not our jobs, and we need to be kind to ourselves.

I am posting this at 11:59pm on New Year's Eve. Happy new year y'all, I hope Joel and Pin can bring you some festive cheer ❤️

Joel is this close to have a fucking breakdown.

He would measure out how close this is between his thumb and index finger if they were not currently tangled in webs of yarn, rapidly unravelling from from the bottom of what is supposed to be a sweater.

Your sweater.

The book that Lucy lent him months ago lies on the table before him, the pages yellowed and dogeared, open at the the easiest pattern of the lot to knit - a simple pullover in chunky yarn, in your favourite colour.

Well, it was supposed to be easy, anyway.

Despite Lucy basically holding his hand throughout the whole project, he’s had far less time than anticipated to work on it. Too many nights he finds himself at Tommy and Maria’s, elbow deep in dirty baby’s clothes and diapers, making himself useful for whatever needs to be done around the house. 

Even Ellie chips in without being asked, often bringing back food from the canteen and making sure the severely sleep-deprived adults are eating, if not well fed. Joel honestly doesn’t remember how he did it with Sarah as a clueless twenty-something, with an even more clueless younger brother.

As he attempts to free himself from the quagmire of wool, he grimaces at the stiffness all over his body, feeling it especially in his back after sleeping in an armchair all night with a rapidly growing two-month old.

He’s too old for this shit - but there’s no saying no to the little rascal with Tommy’s nose and Maria’s eyes.

The knitting needles clatter to the floor when he jumps at the front door opening and slamming shut, a frustrated fuuuuuuck slipping past his gritted teeth. 

Ellie’s voice rings out loud and clear as she scampers up the stairs, getting progressively louder until she’s outside his study. ‘Hey! Did you remember to put the potatoes in the oven? We have to leave for Tommy’s in an hour - dude, what the fuck is happening?’

‘What do you think is happenin’?’ he growls.

Crossing her arms, Ellie leans against the doorframe wearing a far too amused expression. ‘Maria said no gifts.’

Joel rolls his eyes. ‘It’s not for Maria.’

The teenager squints, perplexed, at the bits of wool in his hands. ‘What is that meant to be?’

‘... A sweater.’

Ellie bites her bottom lip, holding in a poorly concealed giggle. ‘I think a sweater is meant to have sleeves.’

‘You think?’

‘Want me to go get Lucy?’

With a heavy sigh, he mutters, ‘Fine.’

At the arch of her half-eyebrow, Joel adds begrudgingly, ‘Please.’

Ellie grins, sneakers skidding on the floorboards as she takes off. ‘Hang in there, old man!’

Despite the cold, his palms are sweaty, sticking to the kraft paper wrapped haphazardly around the even more haphazard package clutched tightly in his right hand. 

The night air mists before him in puffs of white as he shuffles a path through the falling snow. His ears are tingling from the cold, and flexing the stiff, frozen tips of his fingers, Joel knows he should’ve worn his gloves. They weren’t in their usual place by the door though, and he was so frazzled that he barely got his shoes tied up before dashing out the door, sending Ellie ahead with the potatoes (that are definitely undercooked) to his brother’s.

Your cottage glows yellow and orange in the darkness, and your stairs no longer creak when he trudges up them, having fixed them just in time before the first snowfall.

He hears your footsteps come from deep within this house when he knocks. Your eyes are wide when your door cracks open tentatively, but then your lips curve into a smile - the smile that he takes with him and keeps him warm when he has to leave Jackson for days-long patrols.

‘What are you doing here?’ you ask, ushering him inside, not batting an eye at the snow he tracks inside. ‘I thought we were meeting at Maria’s.’

Pressing a kiss to your lips, he softens at the way you lift your face towards him to catch it, careful to keep the parcel out of sight behind his back. ‘Yeah, we were, but thought I’d see if you need a hand with anythin’.’

‘Such a gentleman,’ you tease. 

A low fire burns in the hearth, the wood he chopped for you in the fall stacked in a tidy pile next to the mantelpiece. Sweeping his eyes across the living space, he spots the book with the cracked spine that he reads when he’s here on the coffee table, next to yours. On the other side of the couch is the Christmas tree that he cut for you, and he watched you dress it up in tinsel and fairylights one night after a quiet dinner and before hot cocoa under thick blankets.

He likes seeing himself at your home. In the things he does for you; in his things, casually scattered around - like they belong in your space.

‘The pies are in the kitchen, could you please put them in a bag?’ you ask. ‘I’ll just grab my coat and we can go.’

‘Sure, sweetheart,’ he answers, waiting until you’ve disappeared into the bedroom before setting down the present under the tree.

He’s leaning against the back of the couch when you pop back in, a few layers deeper than when you left him, the pies nestled safely in a carrier bag by his boots. 

‘Shall we?’ you ask brightly.

Joel hesitates, wondering if he should wait until after dinner to tell you about the present. It only takes his eyes darting to the foot of the tree for the briefest moment for you to catch on. The slow smile that stretches your cheeks and lights up your eyes warms him from the inside out.

You cock your head to one side, playing coy. ‘What’s that, Joel?’

He shrugs, feigning cool. ‘Why don’t you go ahead and find out?’

His chest physically swells at the way you dash towards the tree, landing on your knees in uncharacteristic recklessness, the impact only softened by the rug underneath. You cradle the lumpy package to your chest like something precious. ‘You got me a present.’

He settles on the end of the couch next to you, his heart beating harder in his ribcage than he’d like to admit. ‘Don’t get your hopes up, sweetheart.’

You frown at him. ‘Why?’

‘You’ll see, but I wanted to give it to you anyway.’

You open the package carefully, as if it was wrapped in the fancy paper people used to buy at the shop. Joel holds his breath when you peel it away to reveal what’s inside.

He’s far too inside his own head to hear your inhale that sounds a lot like wonder. You pick up the sweater gently, shaking it out, and Joel winces when he sees it in the flicker of the firelight.

Disastrous doesn’t begin to cover it. Lucy managed to connect the sleeves to the shapeless body in a last-ditch salvage attempt, but one is clearly longer than the other. The stitches are untidy, some have obviously caught onto something and pulled loose. Rough around the edges is putting it kindly.

Joel wants to reach out, grab it, chuck it into the fire and let the flames swallow it whole.

Finally, the silence gets the better of him, and he blurts out. ‘I’m sorry.’

You stare at him, stunned. ‘What?’

Under his whiskers, his cheeks flush in embarrassment, and he rambles, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinkin’. You deserve better sweetheart, here, let me -’

You almost lose your balance keeping the sweater out of his reach. ‘Don’t you dare, Joel Miller.’

Confused, he watches you rise to your feet, shucking your outer coat and another layer. ‘What are you doin’?’

Grabbing the sweater, you slide it over your head and thread your arms through the sleeves. The soft knit drapes over your curves, too big over your shoulders and the hem falling unevenly, higher on the right side than the left. One sleeve is long enough to cover half your hand, while the other sits right on the wrist.

And yet. 

You’re beaming like you just picked up something at Bloomin’dales or whatever the fuck those department stores were called back then. 

‘I love it,’ you declare, no trace of irony in your voice, as hard as he’s trying to find it.

He scoffs in disbelief. ‘C’mon, sweetheart, you’re just sayin’ it -’

You surprise him, grabbing him by the scruff of his collar and dragging him towards you to plant a firm kiss on his lips. 

‘I love it,’ you repeat slowly, with conviction, as if willing him to believe you. ‘Thank you.’

He doesn’t quite still, but he smiles and kisses you back. ‘Merry Christmas, sweetheart.’

‘Since we’re doing this -’ you trail off, sliding out of his grip to reach around the back of the tree, pulling out a neatly wrapped gift. ‘This is for you.’

Joel pauses. 

For him.

For the longest time, nothing had been for him unless it was soul-crushing grief and pain.

And yet here it is - his name on the tag written in your neat handwriting. Something he can hold in his hands. For him.

His fingers tremble when he reaches out. The package is soft, and the paper crackles under his grip. He all but tears it open, uncaring of the way the wrapping falls to the floor.

A laugh bubbles out of his throat, and you look relieved at his reaction. ‘You like it?’

It’s not quite a Santa hat. It’s a chunky dark red beanie with a white brim folded back, and topped with a white pompom. 

‘My ears were so cold walkin’ over. It’s perfect,’ he says, pulling it over the crown of his head. Of course, it fits just right, sliding soft and warm over his ears. He adds with a wink, ‘Y’know what, I might just shimmy down some chimneys after dinner.’

‘As long as you shimmy down mine too,’ you retort, not hearing the euphemism.

Joel quirks an eyebrow at that, one large palm squeezing your backside through the layers. ‘That an open invitation, sweetheart?’

You duck your head, more out of habit than actual shyness, with mischief in your smile. ‘Don’t be so crude, Joel Miller.’

Adjusting his new hat so that it sits comfortably, he points at the pompom and jokes, ‘Shame I can’t wear this on patrols.’

Right on cue, you hold up a finger. ‘Funny you should say that.’

He chuckles when you pull out a second, plain black beanie, as if out of thin air. ‘You really thought of everythin’, sweetheart.’

You shrug playfully. ‘I’m smart like that.’

‘I know you are,’ he smiles.

‘Merry Christmas, Joel.’

His lips find yours again in a slow, lingering kiss that has you leaning into him for more when he pulls back. ‘Thank you. For everythin’.’

You hold his gaze - heavy with meaning, light with joy. It wouldn’t take more than a tilt of the head towards the bedroom to derail your evening plans, and you both know it.

In the end, you’re the one who stays strong. Taking one step back from his warmth, you reach for your coat. ‘We’re late, we should go.’

His eyes widen. ‘Wait - you’re not wearin’ that to dinner are you?’

‘Of course I am,’ you say, buttoning up your coat over the sweater.

‘You don’t have to, sweetheart,’ he almost pleads with you.

You grin, heading for the door, blowing out candles as you go. ‘Too bad, I’m never taking it off.’

Joel shakes his head with a wry huff. ‘Well, I hope not never -’

You have one foot out the door when you suddenly remember. ‘I almost forgot - you left your gloves here last time. They’re in the cupboard by the door.’

Ah, that’s where they went. He opens the drawer and pulls them on, one after the other, the leather, worn smooth with age, creaking as he wraps his fingers around the handles of the carrier bag.

Joel is about to follow you out the door when he pauses over the threshold. Glancing down at the black beanie in his grasp, he reaches up and hooks it on the coat rack, nestled among your clothes.

He hopes that when the time comes for him to wear it for the first time - maybe on a patrol that will take him away from you for a few days - it will smell like you.

Gorgeous dividers by @firefly-graphics ❄️

More notes: I hope I will return to the main series in the new year. I've missed these two lovebirds, I hope you enjoyed this little interlude! ❤️

[charliejaneanders]

Hi Charlie Jane!

This evening I finally picked up your book "Never Say You Can't Survive" for the first time probably over a year after I bought it, and I've been reading it hungrily. I don't quite have the words for how much just the Introduction and the first few chapters have already rewired my brain of how i understand writing, and got me thinking about it in ways I had never done before. Just. Wow!

But one thing that really really helped me was your philosophy surrounding whether or not to go with a story idea based on how simple or complex it is from the start. I realized that the reason I've been struggling so much to stay with an idea for the past year, is because I was trying to have it be completely thought out before I started writing it, to have ever chapter planned meticulously so that I didn't end up not finishing it. This may sound really dumb in hindsight lol but I've had an insecurity for years about not being able to finish a project, and I wanted to give myself a guaranteed method of being able to finish it.

Of course, it hasn't worked at all. I end up so overwhelmed and feeling Stuck because I just can't figure something out, and I'm not letting myself play around with the idea enough, not letting it evolve.

I realized that some of my best works, even if unfinished for whatever reason, I started with one thing and it evolved over time.

I've been trying so hard to understand my story from the beginning, to have it all figured out so I could carefully plan it to be perfect– but this book just changed everything!

I'm going to try to shift my mindset to instead taking a shot at different story ideas (loved the dating metaphor) seeing what I can pull from them, and if it doesn't end up working, just moving on and not trying to force it.

But first I'm going to keep reading– because I've already learned so much from this book, so many thoughts and ideas have been floating around in my brain where before I was struggling to come up with any, in just the first few chapters. I'm confident that by the end of this book I'll have something in my head, whether it sticks or not.

Just wanted to say thank you for writing this wonderful book, because I've never gotten this kind of advice before that's left me feeling more confident in my ability to be a writer, while challenging myself at the same time!

Thank you so much for this!!! I’m so glad to hear the book is helpful.

I really do think every writer is different, and some writers can’t plan out their books/stories as completely in advance as others. I love going in with a plan and then getting lost in my characters and world, ending up with something completely different than what I thought I’d  be writing. <3

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

Books of 2024: Wrap-Up.

Hello world!! I read sixty-three (63) books in 2024, and here they are! The pages-out books are stand-ins for library books and other borrowed books (which were ADHD for Smartass Women, When Among Crows, Ghost Station, and The Killing Floor). Mostly these are shelved in the order I read them, save for the stack at the end (Ordinary Monsters is Too Tall to fit on my current shelf arrangement, and the borrowed books are out of order).

I posted individual photos (and sometimes reviews!) of everything pictured here, which you can find tagged with their titles or authors, or you can see all of them if you peruse my "books of 2024" tag. Now, for the Highlight Reel, in order of when I read them:

FIVE FAVES

The City We Became by NK Jemisin ★★★★★ Always love Jemisin, but this duology had me laughing more than I remembered for her other books, which I definitely needed! Excellent cast (your honor I love Paolo so much and also literally all of the boroughs), I tore through this by staying up past my bedtime too many nights in a row.

The Butcher of the Forest by Premee Mohamed ★★★★★ Perfect tiny little gutpunch of a book MADE FOR ME, I loved it so damn much. Everyone please go read this immediately.

The Actor and the Target by Declan Donnellan ★★★★★ I was not expecting this to rewire my brain, but it DID, over and over and over again. Very dense chewy book, which I read hoping to get inside an actor character's head better, but honestly I think anyone who does any kind of art or creative endeavor should read this, because OOF was it insightful. (I have ordered his second book that came out this year, but it's hugely on backorder apparently.)(Go figure: The first one was SO GOOD.)

Leech by Hiron Ennes ★★★★★ This was a reread for me, and I'm so glad I revisited it--it holds up even better than the first time through, because so much of it falls into place once you know what's really going on. Masterclass in POV, very gothic, very fucked up, very Deep Winter book, I very much think anyone who was An Animorphs Kid would enjoy the hell out of this (but mind the content warnings, of which there are Many).

Self-Portrait with Nothing by Aimee Pokwatka ★★★★½ This one also hit my perfect trifecta of weird-and-funny-and-fucked-up exactly right, which I wasn't expecting? Pleasant surprise there at the end of the year. Come for the family heart crimes, stay for the unhinged overseas texts to your husband about an art heist, what a blast.

TWO TWOS

turns out i didn't actually read any 1-star books this year, so here's the bottom of the barrel, and yes i DID write lengthy salty reviews about both of these, if you're interested in the particulars of My Beef

Ordinary Monsters by JM Miro ★★ This was too damn long and ~Messy™~, and all of that just to end on a cliffhanger because it's a trilogy. Why did I bother with this 600+ page brick (oh, right: because it sounded promising)(it was Not, or at least not Enough).

Ghost Station by SA Barnes ★★ This was TOO DAMN FRUSTRATING (bad science, bad scientists, stupid characters, etc), and there was JUST ENOUGH neat promising worldbuilding in the background that Could Have Been Cool to make this otherwise mediocre experience enraging. Super bummed, because I wanted to read this author's other stuff, but now I don't trust her and therefore shan't.

Overall! Had a great reading year--those Two Twos were the only things I rated that low, and I enjoyed everything else! Looking forward to another fabulous year of books :)

[maxisanangrywell]

Simon has scars, Simon has trauma-- Okay so imagine this.

Trauma often causes your body to break down not just mentally, but physically. Often, in the most extreme cases of trauma, your brain gets rewired to think/act/and distribute electro signals a certain way. Childhood trauma has been studied so intensively, that doctors have determined it can also suppress vital bodily functions, like digestion or even your immune system, possibly causing autoimmune disorders.

Me, I'm 21, with a couple of different disabilities from my trauma, so I'm drawing from experience.

What if, and hear me out, Simon starts, gradually over the next couple of years, getting some weird joint pains. Just, like it feels achey, and not quite right. Like he was down with a cold. It comes and goes, and he's not entirely sure when it started. He's always sort of had joint pains, I mean, look at his job? It's not only incredibly intense, and taxing physically AND emotionally, but he constantly is over working his joints. So, he thinks nothing of it.

Except, over the next few months it doesn't go away like he thinks. Oh well, right? He goes to the med bay, they check his symptoms, they check everything, and just simply find nothing. They have no reason to do blood work, or x-rays. He's not injured, and it doesn't sound like he's pulled anything or snapped any tendon. They tell him if it persists, to come back in. They give him Ibuprofen, Acetaminophen, and a N-SAID to trade off between the three, and help with any swelling or discomfort. All Simon's symptom points to, is the over work of the joints. I mean, hell, he's been in the SAS for years now, with about a decade or two of more service on top of that. He's considered old by the SAS, almost at the stage where they'd pull him off the field if he even sprains an ankle. So, he doesn't think anything of it, and refuses to go to med bay.

Without failure, the symptoms just sort of pile up gradually over the next four years. The joint pain is accompanied by stiffness and swelling. The joints, primarily in all his finger joints, wrists, and knees hurt, are red, and hot to the touch. His left hip is starting to get painful enough that he has to stretch and stay in his room for the first hour-and a half when he wakes. Otherwise, he'd be seen hobbling down the hall and that isn't good. He'd surely be sent to med bay.

So, Simon deals with it. Until one night, he's on a mission, and his joint stiffness catches up to him. Johnny has to help move him when they get under fire, and his hands and fingers hurt so bad he can't properly grab the gun and fire it. It takes him a few minutes, but he eventually returns fire. Johnny having seen the struggle, reports it to Price, who almost immediately sends him to med bay to get almost every fucking test done under the book.

"Obviously it's not just joint pain and stiffness of age anymore, Simon. I need you to be 100% out on the field. If not for you, then for Johnny. For the team."

Simon thinks it was pretty shitty of Price to use Johnny and the team against him, but it does the trick. He gets there, and spills almost everything to the doctor he saw last time. The doctor is shocked and appalled Simon never told him anything, and Simon tells him the medicine worked at first, as did the braces that he recommended for the joint support, but it just kept getting worse.

They do X-Rays, and blood work, and they find out Simon has a fairly common autoimmune disorder. Although, it's not the kind he wants to hear because it will result in a medical discharge.

"Rheumatoid Arthritis? You're bloody joking. My hand isn't all fucked up and weird looking doc. I can move my hand just fine."

"You can right now, but if you don't get the proper treatment, along with a transfusion for your knee... it will progress. Probably to the point you're bed bound."

The doctor calls in the team on behalf of Simon's request, and well, they try to find a way around it. At least, Gaz and Soap do. But before they exhaust all their options, Price offers to talk to the higher ups to see what the stance would be on moving Simon from an operator, to more of a coordinator like Kate. Where he would be able to do missions every one in a while, but not over exert himself to the point a flare-up is triggered and he is left in a dangerous position once again. The higher-ups agree, not wanting to lose the infamous Ghost.

So, there we go. :) That's my little tid-bit, take it as you want. And like always, if you enjoy the idea, please like/reblog, and if you want to build off the idea for your own AU or things, just tag me if you use specifics!! ((If you have any questions about RA, please drop them in my box and I will try to answer when I have the time!!))

[qqueenofhades]

as a starting history major i wanna ask how do you read/evaluate academic history papers/books? i'm trying to avoid just blindly agreeing with whatever the author is writing because it seems correct. how can you tell what is good scholarship and what is more shaky?

This is a great question for you as a freshman history major to ask (many of my toiling colleagues and I can attest that we wish more of you would!) and shows that you're already taking initiative and investment in your studies and want to be the best prepared you can. So truly -- thank you! Us on the faculty/staff/administrative end of academia can feel as if we are pouring into an empty bucket at times, and it's always gratifying to hear otherwise. We really appreciate it.

As a college freshman and/or underclassman (or so I'm assuming) your first job is learning how to collect basic information from the things you read, collate and cite them accurately, and make them converse intelligently with each other in an entry-level piece of academic writing (such as an essay responding to an assigned prompt). So before you have to worry about understanding complex nuance and granular-level fact-checking, the first step is just getting comfortable with academic forms, styles, and conventions. There's an occasional anti-intellectual strand of thinking that pops up on Tumblr, basically insisting that everyone everywhere should be able to understand everything in fifth-grade words and if not then it's Elitist Gatekeeping, but this is a symptom of TikTok brainrot where people's brains have been literally rewired to only process spoon-fed chunks of incredibly simplistic (and uh, often wrong) information, and literally can't parse anything longer, even if it's written in accessible language. Yes, many academics are not necessarily great writers, but you also have to let go of the mindset that you can speed-read once and understand everything. You will need to slow down, take your time, and make a note of concepts that are confusing or that you want to double-check, words you need to look up, and things that make you say "hmm I should look into that more," whether because you're interested or they seem questionable. I always read academic texts or papers (I prefer hard copy, because I am Fucking Old) with a pen in hand, because if I don't, I often feel like I didn't read it at all.

Basically, this is an interactive process between you and the text, and requires you to develop a different kind of reading mentality than just buzzing through a novel or fanfic for pleasure. You have to expect that it will take time and that if you regularly skive off the readings, you won't be prepared for class, your professors will be annoyed, and you won't be able to write good essays, because you haven't engaged with the material. In your case, it sounds like that will be less of a problem, because you are eager to know how to do it right, but I can tell you from my experience that nothing frustrates us more than students who just won't do the reading (and you know, use ChatGPT to write their essays) because then what are you even DOING here? What do you want to get out of this? Why are you wasting your precious tuition money like this? Yes, you probably have to fill a requirement, but STILL. It's disrespectful to your teacher, who has invested a lot of effort in being here to help you with this and doesn't want you to just quit because it looks hard, and your peers, and to you. So anyway, /Captain Holt voice/ apparently that's a trigger for me. Basically, if you learn nothing else from this ask: please do the reading. Even if it's only to admit you need more help or want to talk about this concept in class or otherwise take advantage of all the structures that are in fact there to help you understand it! Thankee.

Likewise, because you're an underclassman, you have an advantage in that your teacher will select the class readings for you ahead of time. That means you will be receiving things that a professional has already checked, decided are useful and trustworthy, and you don't have to do independent research and vetting yourself (that will come if you decide for some godforsaken reason to pursue graduate and/or doctoral study). So you don't need to spend tons of extra time and effort deciding if the sources given to you in class are reliable on a basic and functional level; your professor has already done the work for you to make sure that they are. Your job is now to read those sources, keep a record of what they say (hence the aforementioned pen or other way to make quick notes) and figure out how to put them together in an essay. For example, if Author A cites Factor A as, say, the main cause of the fall of the Western Roman Empire, and Author B insists that Factor B was in fact more critical, what is your best approach to reconciling that information? You would search in the rest of those texts to see what else they say in support of their position, and you would probably end up with a qualified statement to the effect of, "While Author A argues A, Author B thinks B, representing the lack of consensus and the difficulty in attributing one single cause to an event as complicated as the fall of Rome." (And then because you're smart, you would go on to mention Byzantium and the Eastern Roman Empire and show that you are aware of the further context.) All of which is true! Historians do that all the time! You don't need to select THE RIGHT ANSWER and vigorously discredit all other theories, ever, and we tend to look suspiciously on people who do (cough cough Philippa Langley).

In other words, we are certainly not expecting you as a freshman, and even as a more advanced student, to be able to pick out ONE ANSWER from the material. We just want to see evidence that you have in fact read it, are able to evaluate and place theories side by side and possibly make a judgment as to which one you find more compelling, and also to properly cite where you got that information. We've seen a lot recently about plagiarism and that being the pretext on which Harvard president Claudine Gay was forced to resign (which is a whole other can of worms, but never mind). A lot of professors think that saying "Don't Do Plagiarism" is enough, but then don't explain what it is and the different forms it can take. It's not just a matter of copying verbatim chunks of someone else's work (or you know, ALL OF IT, like certain recently discredited YouTube scumbags) and acting like it's your own. If you are relying substantially on someone else's work, whether in their wording, arguments, conclusions, structure, or anything else, even if you've changed some of the words (yep, still plagiarism!), that needs to be cited appropriately according to the relevant style guide. Direct quotes from anyone need to go in quotation marks or indented blocks and have the author cited immediately afterward. History usually uses Chicago, MLA, or MHRA, and you can find cheat sheets for how to do that online. It's a pretty simple and straightforward style, and your professor will be extra impressed.

If you're expected to do an independent project or a senior research thesis, as some undergraduate history students do, then it will come when you have already had three years of experience in reading, evaluating, and writing historical scholarship, you will probably have a faculty member assigned to you for one-on-one mentoring and personalized feedback sessions, and they will be able to provide suggestions and support for useful sources. So even then, you still don't have to do it entirely on your own. They'll probably also be MORE than happy to debate with you which ones are good and which ones are suspect, because it's all a part of developing your ability to flex that muscle for yourself. (And as noted, faculty members Will Have Strong Opinions.) That likewise doesn't mean you just have to copy whatever they say (at least if you have a good teacher who wants you to think for yourself and not just be a mini-clone of their pet theories), but it means that by the time you reach that stage, you will have been prepared enough to feel confident in taking more steps on your own. I think not enough people realize that studying history (or anything, really) isn't just throwing you out there and being like "tough luck sucker, do it all yourself."

That's why academia is so collaborative, why plenty of historians with doctorates and tenure will still have to say "I don't know, let me get back to you" when someone asks them a question at a conference, and you don't have to fear that if you don't have The One Right Answer, you will be immediately exposed as a fraud and thrown out. History as a discipline is also moving away from the 19th-century German approach that attempted to systematize it as a singular social science with One Right Answer, and to focus more on multiple perspectives and incomplete answers. That's why the goal is not necessarily to know everything (which alas, is impossible), but to make better sense of what we can know and search for ways in which the existing record is flawed and needs to be revised, expanded, or reworked with new perspectives (which have existed all this time, but haven't been privileged by the white male western academy for the obvious reasons). And that work is fun and important! I don't want you to be scared of getting to that point, because someone will be there to support you the whole way and by the time you do, it will make sense to you in a way it probably doesn't right now, just because it's a new skill and like any new skill, it takes a long time to learn and to be able to apply confidently, consistently, and at a high level. And plenty of us who do it as a career still often have to say "I don't know, let me ask Dr. So-and-so who specializes in this," so yeah. It's a process of becoming comfortable with both learning how to answer what we can, and to ask others for help with that, and it never really ends. Which is the fun part. There's so much more to do.

Good luck!

[heavenslittlemachine]

tumblr user heavenslittlemachine what books rewired your brain chemistry? :0

ooh i rly like this one...long answer. more recently over the past ~2 years or so there's been a pretty foundational rewiring that was instigated more by personal experience & then catalyzed by book-reading -- i had a bunch of chronic health problems that got way better after i started getting regular acupuncture treatments, so my initial impulse was to ofc figure out how & why it worked. reading a bunch of contemporary acu books reorganized some stuff but couldn't rly touch on the deeper theoretical level. so then digging in to medical classics like the huangdi neijing, that one was & still is hitting pretty regularly. i like the kinds of books where u can keep reading them over and over & new layers of meaning keep developing, different angles become illuminated etc. reading medical classics was doing a lot for me but i wasn't rly grasping the broader context Or the deeper levels -- reading the daodejing & then the zhuangzi was and still is a wide blast for those. there's always more 2 understand with those guys. later alchemical stuff did a number on me, the zhouyi cantong qi in particular is a mindfuck but also to rly grasp that one u have to dig in to the yijing (i ching). there are some layers of cosmology there....

then ofc there's the bible which is a similar sort of experience. i was changed fundamentally by that whole deal against my will when i was little but coming back to it on my own terms with my own extractive technologies has been a really beautiful experience. related to that one but in the fictional world is go tell it on the mountain by james baldwin.

reading fanon's wretched of the earth and then nkrumah's neocolonialism then consciencism in that order was like a landslide moment in my understanding of colonialism/imperialism/capitalism fundamentally while also rounding out in both a material and existential way this idea of What Is To Be Done. also in the fictional world one that feels related to these is leslie marmon silko's almanac of the dead. the concept of the christian god dying during the colonization of the americas. the thing about "days, months, years, eons are alive, they walk around the universe and then come back." the phrase "death-eye dog epoch."

noopiming by leanne betasamosake simpson was not necessarily like "revolutionary" in the same way as some other books here but it gave me an incredibly important grip on things during the early pandemic when everything was feeling spiraling deeply out of control. i was like everything will b fine if i just live like akiwenzii. wake up when the sun comes up and go to bed when the sun goes down. ok!

also when i was little i read this book i forget the name, it was about these people who could see little fairy or implike creatures who were invisible to most & they would swarm people who were about to die / eat from them as they were dying. so the assumption was that they caused accidents etc. and the main characters hunted and captured these creatures. but eventually u find out (spoiler!) that the imps are actually benevolent and can just sense when ppl are gonna die, they do feed on wounds but it doesn't hurt ppl and has some kind of analgesic effect. and then it turns out that their boss knew this and had been harvesting them to power some kind of device for nefarious purposes. that one was important too i think. the picture of dorian grey when i was still nebulously bisexual in high school. the twilight series when i was still a jehovahs witness. everything has its place and time...

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓 or you know whatever you have lol

Hahaha okay how about 1k?

---

How is he supposed to just stop?

“That’s the hard part, right?” Bobby smiles sadly. “Rewiring your brain.”

“Are you telling me to go to therapy?” Buck asks.

“A check in never hurts,” Bobby shrugs. 

And maybe Buck would be more inclined to say he doesn’t need a whole course of CBT because he misses Eddie, but the recent Christmas events have left him without a leg to stand on. 

“Yeah, okay,” Buck sighs. “I’ll reach out to Dr. Copeland’s office.”

“Good. And you know, I’m here, Buck,” Bobby says. “You don’t have to just… Shut it down. That’s not you. I don’t like to see it.”

Buck smiles a little. “You like it when I talk your ear off all shift? Aww, Bobby.”

Bobby rolls his eyes. “I don’t mind it.”

Buck chuckles. “Understood.”

“And, for what it’s worth, you always have an invite to family Christmas here, okay?” Bobby says.

“Thank you, Bobby,” Buck says. “It does mean a lot.”

⬅️

Buck resolves to listen to Bobby. To work on himself and the parts of his brain that are stuck on the same scratchy record, playing over and over. He books a therapy session in the new year. He donwloads a mindfulness app. He’s never been able to make his brain shut up before, but might as well give it a try. Why the hell not?

He doesn’t reach out to Eddie too much. Maybe that’s terrible. It’s not Eddie’s fault Buck can’t get over him leaving. But he forgot to call him on Christmas, and then he felt bad, so… So he thought maybe a teeny tiny break would be good. Just to compose himself. Besides, it’s not like Eddie is doing too badly out there, right? Christopher said they were spending time together. Holiday breakfast? And he was getting high with his sister. He sounded okay. He… He’s fine without Buck. 

And it’s not like Eddie is reaching out to him, either. So if Buck takes a week or two to recalibrate? It’s fine.

He does talk to Chim and Maddie, though. He feels like he owes them - and Jee - that much. They’ve texted back and forth, of course. Maddie is worried about him. Which is valid. He did some worrisome things. 

They fly back on the 28th. Buck goes to their house on the 29th. He’s had a handful of days to process, and he’s honestly feeling a lot less like a zombie. Like a pathetic, mewling zombie. Like that zombie from the zombie romance movie that came out… Oh, probably when Chris was in diapers. Whoa. 

First thing’s first, he has to spend a requisite fifteen minutes letting Jee show him all her new toys. Very reasonable, he thinks. He would have budgeted an hour for the haul, but she speeds through it. Then, he sits down in the kitchen with Maddie and Chim, while Jee watches a movie in the nearby living room. 

“Thanks for letting me come and explain,” Buck says to them as Chim hands him a beer. 

“You don’t need to explain,” Maddie says. “They were super cruel, and I understand why you left.”

Buck nods. “Yeah, they kind of… Well, they suck, honestly. But… I think I was going through more than I admitted, and I should’ve known I wasn’t up for the psychological challenge.”

“We should have known, too,” Chimney says. “I know how much you miss Eddie.”

Buck nods. “Yeah…”

“And we should have just spent Christmas in L.A. here with you,” Maddie adds.

“Really, we just figured it was our last opportunity to travel to your folks’ without two kids,” Chim explains.”

“You don’t have to cater to me,” Buck says. “Seriously. You can spend Christmases wherever you want.”

“I know,” Maddie smiles a little sadly. “But we’d rather spend it with you. I mean that.”

Buck feels a sort of warmth settle over him. He knows that’s what Maddie sort of said to him before, but he hadn’t really heard it.

“Love you guys,” Buck says. 

“Love you, Evan,” Maddie says.

“Yeah, we love ya,” Chim shrugs. “What are you doing New Year’s Eve?”

“Ah, nothing,” Buck says. “Sleeping after the shift we both have tomorrow.”

Chim makes a buzzer noise with his mouth. “Wrong. You’re coming here, okay? Wilsons are coming too. Someone needs to entertain the children.”

Buck laughs. “Alright. That sounds fun.”

“Good,” Maddie beams. 

“What can I bring?” He asks.

“Just yourself,” Chim says. “We won’t make you cook this time, only because I’m serious about you being a jester for Jee if she gets cranky.”

“He’s not serious,” Maddie says.

“I’d be happy to be the party clown,” Buck says. “Thanks for the invite.”

⬅️

He sort of takes an insane deep dive into the mindfulness thing. Starts reading all sorts of articles and downloading podcast episodes and… And, well… If Eddie was here, he would make some joke about it being Buck’s college major or the week. 

But he’s not. 

Whatever.

All this to say, he spends the shift that ends the morning of New Year’s Eve consuming all that sort of content on his downtime. Between calls, during chores, etcetera. He’s enjoying it. Different tactics for being more present, and letting go of catastrophic thoughts, and all that sort of stuff. He’s not actually able to do it, at this point in time. His brain has the volume and playback speed turned all the way up. But eventually! Maybe. Who knows? 

All this to say, Buck has his airpods in, listening to someone talk about psylocibin and mindfulness - a fun sounding practice his job prevents him from enjoying - when he exits the elevator to his loft after the shift. He’s tired and more than ready to sleep, still a little frustrated from a drunk driving call they’d responded to in the middle of the night. The podcast is taking up his brain space, and the volume is substantial enough that he almost cannot hear the activity on his floor. Almost.

[gibbearish]

like i need yall to understand the sequence of events here was

me: haha since this section is about jokingly saying people are Absolutely Wrong about minor opinions itd be funny if i said the minor rhubarb pie opinion is wrong as a joke because i fuckin love rhubarb pie *does it* hee hee hoo hoo anyways reading onwards

book: bet u rhubarb pie lovers thought it was funny to be pointed out and were laughing along with me

me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I SURE WAS, UP TOP

so committed to being committed to a bit i just played out a bit with this book

[goosemixtapes]

max's top 10 books of 2024

past top tens in this tag! as always, these rankings are based on some unspecified combo of objective "goodness" and personal enjoyment. books beneath the cut :3

first off, as usual, our BOOKS I LOATHED category. shout-out to: i, claudius by robert graves (SHAME! SHAME! THE TV SHOW IS SO GOODBADCAMP!) and rhinoceros by eugene ionesco (very real argument about fascism; very fucking boring execution). shout-out also to king cheer and immortal longings, both of which were quite bad but which i wouldn't say i "loathed" so much as "they sent me into spirals of shakespearean madness."

my most anticipated 2025 release is the sea eternal by emery robin. also, alecto the ninth again

okay. the meat of the matter. i read SO many good books this year (and so much good short fiction), so lots of runners-up: brotherless night by v.v. ganeshanathan (absolutely gutting with some of the most gorgeous prose i've ever read), white pearl by anchuli felicia king (set in an asian beauty corporation rocked by scandal; filled the succession-shaped hole in my heart), fairview by jackie sibblies drury (this play is doing the coolest fucking things with fourth walls), luster by raven leilani (i adore the main character so much and she is NOT thriving), and the his dark materials series (i wish i had read these as kids, but i'm also glad i have miltonic context?). thank you to my professors for half of these

OKAY. THE LIST!

10. Dare Me by Megan Abbott

i expected a thriller about toxic friendships and evil cheerleaders; i was not expecting this to REWIRE ME. the DYNAMICS in this fucking book. the ugly violent homoerotics and the empty hunger of white suburbia. the tenderness of the grooming. the constant unspoken looming specter of lesbianism. the constant sense that the main characters are teetering on the edge of disaster. BETH CASSIDY YOU ARE ONE OF THE CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME YOU MAKE ME FEEL BONKERS BATSHIT CRAZY. i need to send everyone in this book the lesbian masterdoc goodbye

9. Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehesi Coates

okay i know everybody raves about ta-nehesi coates' writing so i wasn't exactly SURPRISED this was good. but i WAS still knocked off my feet by the beauty of this book. this is an extended letter to coates' son on the experience of being a black man in america, and every single page is glowing with heartbreak--for all the black people destroyed and endangered by white supremacist society--and love--for everyone who keeps living, for the world, and for coates' son. i wrote down sooooo many quotes that struck me in the chest

8. Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin

kind of no fucking idea what to say about this book because my sense memory of it is just a whirlwind of "ack augh ough." the way this book envelops you in the psychological and emotional tumult of fourteen-year-old john grimes is crazy and intense and then baldwin DOES IT AGAIN in a series of interludes from other characters. this is about one day in john's life and his experience in the church, but it's also about the exhilarating terror in/of religion and the pain of growing up and the agony of antiblackness and the quiet terror of realizing your parents are fallible and human. and also a little bit about being gay for your youth pastor. did people lose their fucking minds in 1953 when this book came out because i would've

7. Lost Places and Sooner or Later Everything Falls Into the Sea by Sarah Pinsker

favorite author i discovered this year is definitely sarah pinsker, whose short stories mostly have in common that they are strange and whimsical as hell and make me want to crawl into her brain. i can't decide between her two short story collections, so i'm putting them both on here because they were SO fucking fun to read. between the two, some of the short stories include: a horror story told through a folk music genius lyrics page! a robot arm that identified as a road! a kid yelling the lines in the 1920s movie theater! george gershwin! girl scouts! and my favorite, a batshit crazy agatha christie homage set at a convention of dozens of alternate-universe sarah pinsker selves! (which you can read online!)

6. Paradise Lost by Erin Shields

look. there are aspects of this play--a modern reworking of milton's epic poem, featuring hot middle-aged woman satan--that are too on-the-nose. but holy fucking shit, the irreversible things milf satan has done to my brainstem. maybe i'm just a fucking ex-catholic but some of the speeches in this play made me feel like i was being tumbled in a heavy-duty washing machine. also, fascinating things going on with script format here. i wrote an insane transgender satan monologue for my paradise lost class because of this play. (also shout-out shields' king lear adaptation/prequel, left off my list for space but it's REALLY fucking fantastic)

5. In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado

okay we all know in the dream house. but i'm here to sing its praises anyway, because reading it feels like walking into a woodchipper. this is a memoir about abuse and an experiment with form and a raw open organ placed directly in your hands. machado's prose is genuinely fucking crazy good; she has such a gift for scalpel-like precision in every sentence, and everything about this book is so carefully-crafted and feels like getting clocked in the teeth. there's a choose-your-own adventure section where the result is always the same. for personal reasons i read this at a weird time and it made me want to get on my knees on the carpet and hack like a sick cat

4. Nobody Knows My Name by James Baldwin

i read this essay collection two weeks into the year and i knew it was going to be one of the most stunning reading experiences of 2024. the first page knocked me flat on my ass and it never let up. he manages that thing so few authors can do, where his eloquent and precise prose is exactly as deft as his observations are perceptive and sharp. his work cuts straight to the truth of things. i finished this book grieving the fact that baldwin died before i was born--because he can't comment on current events? because i can't see him speak live? because i felt some kind of connection to him through the words despite knowing he was not writing for some random college kid in the backseat of a car? anyway i am a groupie now

3. Piranesi by Susanna Clarke

reading this and then in the dream house back to back was like self-trepanation. why did i do that. what in the name of god can i even say about this book. what IS there to say. all the best of fantasy and all the best of humanity are in here in under 300 pages and it made me cry and i have thought about it ceaselessly since and i can't say anything without spoiling the fun because you REALLY ought to go in blind. um. girls, do you like, um... the labyrinth?

2. Angels in America by Tony Kushner

ohhhhhhh my god. oh my fucking god. i mean it with my full chest when i say that this is thee defining dramatic work of modern america. play that is about jewishness and gayness and AIDS and love and sickness and the anxiety of modernity and getting boners and prophecies from reactionary angels. and roy cohn is there. this was written at the end of the 20th century and yet it still hits exactly as hard if not harder in 2024 ("in the twenty-first century we will all be insane" yeah for REAL). it's the play of all time. it's one of the most things ever written. i am going to think about it every day of my fucking life. truly impossible to overstate this one

1. The Stars Undying by Emery Robin

and yet AIA is still my #2, because my #1 is a book i think may have been written specifically for me. like, so much for me that i'm furious i didn't write it. that book being a space opera rendition of cleopatra's life story, featuring insane butch mark antony and bisexual love triangles and CICERO? CICERO IS THERE? this is a slowish character-driven story that wouldn't work if gracia's narration wasn't so stirring and self-aware, but it is, and she is, and she's fascinating and has everything wrong with her, and i am obsessed with the things this book is doing with history and legend and the reception of these figures and also ROMAN HISTORY JOKES IN SPACE!!! and i want anita decretan so bad it makes me look stupid. emery robin do you want my credit card information

if you've read this far, please pitch in with your own favorite reads of the year! what books are you excited for in 2025? :)

[reejindeed]

Hi ceej, hope you're well! I was wondering how you draw scenes with multiple characters without getting overwhelmed and how you decide what poses they should be in?

When it comes to big group shots, I try to break things down into little vignette scenes by grouping characters together, usually in groups of two-three. Those two to three characters all have something going on, either someone's doing something and the rest are reacting to it or someone is striking a pose and the others are striking poses around that pose. You give yourself one anchor point, one action, and then think of how the characters would react to that action... Then you just keep repeating that process with however many characters you need to squeeze into the piece. From there it's about contrasting body language and facial expressions. Just the regular "family photo" shot can be kind of boring, especially if it feels overly posed. Generally I try to go with something that feels very candid.

Unfortunately when it comes to how to decide what to start with from there, I can't help much. I've never fully been able to describe my method beyond I'm just... Drawing what I see? I don't always feel like I'm really the one deciding what's going on in my drawings, everyone has always kind of moved around and did whatever they want. I just apply the filter of "this is supposed to be this character." I can "direct" in the way that you can direct a model, but unless you physically went up to them and moved them around like a paper doll yourself there's only so much control you have.

This is why I really struggle to explain HOW to draw something (like hands or faces) or how I choose what I draw. In my eyes, I'm drawing what I can see. I spent a lot of time training myself to "look harder, see more," throughout high school and college, so this is the method I've always preferred. Even though I'm not working from photo reference or anything like that, I can "see the model" that I get the basic shapes and movements and gestures from that I can apply to whoever it's meant to be, if it's meant to be fanart.

So other than breaking open your skull and trying to completely rewire your brain to be as crazy as mine, my suggestion would be to look at group shots from comic books and photos. See how everyone is interacting with each other, and what little stories they seem to be telling... Then think about what kind of story you want to tell yourself. It doesn't have to be a full epic, it can be as simple as "X decided to annoy Y and Z finds that amusing. A and B are judging from the sidelines, having their own conversation about it." I think a lot of baroque-era genre paintings also set these scenes really effectively, if you want something more historical to look to.

[venusmage]

FAQ Post!

I've gotten a good amount of repeat questions the past few years and thought I'd make an FAQ. No need to RB or anything, this is going to go in my pinned post!

I still always happily will take questions, this is just for folks who might want to just find the answer without going through the extra effort. These are mostly about art and TTRPGs :)

ART STUFF

What brushes/programs/hardware do you use?

Almost all of my regularly used brushes come from either Retro Supply or True Grit Texture Supply! I'm not sponsored or affiliated, just really like the quality of their products. They have sales fairly frequently and I've never had any complaints. I also use quite a few products by Ittai Manero.

Right now I primarily work in Procreate on an iPad Pro. Procreate is my favorite art program and I'm quietly hoping they eventually make a desktop version.

I very recently also got an XPPen Deco 01 V2. Partially because there's some art programs on desktop I want to learn (Aseprite, Blender) or programs that have superior desktop versions as compared to mobile (ClipStudio). I'm also teaching some grade-schoolers digital art and wanted to have the same kind of tablet as them (I haven't used a screenless tablet for over half a decade). As of right now I'm very happy with it! For the price it's an easy recommendation.

I mainly use ClipStudio in this instance, and the brushes linked above both also support the program (aside from Manero). However there's a huge user-base that upload free assets constantly that makes ClipStudio so great. I especially like painting in it for some reason!

What's your opinion on AI art?

I don't like it, obviously, but I get how people who lack the context and education on why it's bad wouldn't get it. I also think that some other artists fearmonger a little too hard regarding it and it has the unintended effect of making the situation and it's nuances even harder to understand. I talked about it here.

Did you go to art school? Would you recommend it?

I did, I have a BFA in illustration and graduated from CCAD in 2018. Every art school is unique and my experience with art school and the benefit it gave me is VERY different from how I believe it may be for others. As of right now I think there's a lot of good cheaper online resources than private art education in general. I did have a wonderful time there though, and it's availability helped me eventually escape a domestic abuse situation - so my feelings are a bit complicated.

Do you have a dream art job?

I'd love to be a college-level art teacher. Funny I know, considering I just said art school isn't always worth it. I just deeply enjoy the craft and discussion surrounding art in general. I'm tempted to make art videos one day to scratch that itch.

What's your favorite/least favorite part of the drawing process?

I hate sitting down and getting the sketch started (hello ADHD...) And flatting. Linework/sketch cleanup and finishing details for color are where it's at for me.

What made you interested in art?

My grandfather was a painter, sculptor, and stained glass maker. He will always be one of my biggest inspirations. In terms of media, there's a ton - but I started internalizing art as a skill after seeing the Shivering Isles DLC concept art by Adam Adamowicz. I started appreciating how art can be weird and beautiful and whatever you want after reading Evan Dahm's Rice Boy (and the rest of his work). I also had a particularly beautiful book cover for A Wrinkle in Time by Leo and Diane Dillon when I was little and their art rewired my brain chemistry. At the time I said Adamowicz was my most impactful inspiration but on reflection I really do think it's the Dillons. I talked a little about it here.

(2023-24) Commissions haven't been updated in a while. Can I get some more information as to why?

I have a post here about it! If you're one of my clients, please feel free to reach out to me if you have any further issues. I apologize for the delay and am more than happy to work out something with you if you're unhappy with the wait. I'd advise messaging me here or on discord - the latter of which is linked in the post.

TTRPG/DND STUFF

What system is your DnD game running?

I'm running my game using a modified 5e ruleset. 5e happened to just be the first TTRPG system I learned and I also really enjoy Forgotten Realms as a setting - though I take extensive liberties with both. I'll probably be moving away from WoTC's products and the system after this campaign, though. I already change lore so much the setting has a lot of differences.

What materials do you use in your DnD game? Do you play online or in person?

As much as I'd adore to get to play IRL with my friends at some point, our game is currently online. For our current campaign I recently made the switch from Roll20 to Foundry VTT. If you're an online exclusive DM and have the money to buy the one time license, I would recommend it!

A list of what I use to run my current game:

Foundry VTT

Discord (A custom server for Voice Chatting/Private DMs/Memes and art sharing/Scheduling)

Epic Isometric (On Patreon. Digital isometric maps and tokens. Have been using them since at least 2020 if not earlier. Will be making tutorial videos soon!)

The Dungeon Sketcher (Also on Patreon. Also isometric maps and tokens. The artist frequents Epic Isometric's discord server where we all share custom assets we've made, too. His stuff blends in pretty seamlessly with EpicIso)

Vile Tiles by Gabriel Pickard (Found on the Roll20 marketplace, but you can use the assets in any VTT. For theater of the mind and RP backgrounds)

Artstation (Our game is not streamed, so I tend to use backgrounds I source from concept artists for RP backgrounds. If you stream a game, obviously always ask the creators of your assets if you can use them.)

Procreate/An art program (I draw the PC/NPC portraits for our game myself)

Milanote/Any note-taking method (Milanote is just what I use to plan the game, since I already use it for other hobbies and commissions as well.)

Do you stream your game? Is there someplace I can find out more about it? Are you looking for players?

I am not looking for players! Our game is also not recorded or streamed - mostly because I'd get some serious DM stage-fright. I also like it being a relaxing experience for myself and my friends where we're performing for ourselves, instead of with the pressure of a potential audience.

However, I do have a toyhou.se world where information on the game is available - including session recaps! If I ever get the time I also want to draw fun comics and little animations of what happens because my friends are very inspiring to me and DMing has quickly become a favorite hobby.

You can also search the words "Seven Asunder" on this blog and you'll find relevant posts here.

Can I use your art/assets/ideas in my own game?

I can't really stop you. If it's not recorded, streamed or monetized and you're not saying you created anything I made yourself, I legitimately don't care! This even includes using character art I've made. I just would like to politely request you don't post any of it publicly to avoid confusion and to respect my players - many of the NPCs in my games are also characters they create and I cannot give permission for them (obviously). It also would kind of suck to see one of my own beloved characters supposedly "belonging" to someone else.

Essentially, I understand taking inspiration and having "placeholder" images/artwork for characters in a game. Not all of us have time or resources to have custom art! Just don't take one of my or my players' OC's designs and start saying they're yours publicly , pretty please :)

Once commissions are over and I find the spare time, I intend to release free-to-use (personally and for streaming) art packs for folks' games. I also highly recommend the patreons I linked above.

[essektheylyss]

Just wanted to say that your posts on the Southern Reach books inspired me to check them out. I tore through the first one and I'm about halfway through the second - absolutely loving them so far. So thanks!

Any other books like this that you'd recommend?

I'm really glad you're enjoying them! They're definitely on top of my favorite book list at this point, they're absolutely phenomenal.

I have a few, though they're mostly similar by virtue of nebulous vibes—I dunno how much I'd say they're like the Southern Reach books, but they gave me a similar feeling.

What Moves The Dead by T. Kingfisher (who is on tumblr!) is a historical fiction novella in the category of what I lovingly call "fungal horror"; it was the first thing I read in 2023 and it was phenomenal. I think I finished it by noon on New Years. (CW for most of what comes with that particular horror vibe, though I don't think there's anything more than you'd encounter in the Southern Reach.)

The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula K LeGuin is older (as you might imagine) and might seem a bit of an odd line to draw here, but it deals with a post-climate disaster world and has a lot of the same ambiguity that I liked in the Southern Reach. Also plenty of red tape bureaucracy. (CW for unreality and psychological malpractice, and a very vehement one at that; both of those are pretty much the focal point of the plot.)

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke is... pretty indescribable, if I'm being honest, but it concerns a man who lives in and studies a world called The House, which is a series of rooms filled with statues that frequently flood. You will finish it and stare at a wall for a while to process it. (This probably requires a very mild CW for amnesia, but it's not particularly well-described.)

Also, because I am who I am, a nonfiction recommendation: Underland by Robert Macfarlane. It's about underground spaces and deep time and it is genuinely one of the most beautiful books I have ever read in my life. If you want the kind of mildly-fearful awe that the Southern Reach inspires, except applied to the actual world we live in, please read this book. I think it rewired my brain entirety. (CW for claustrophobia, as there are some extensive descriptions of various underground locations, both manmade and geological.)

I also have just barely started the Ambergris Trilogy, also by Jeff VanderMeer, and though I'm not far into it, it's already promising, and I've heard good things!

Also if anyone who sees this has additional recommendations, please feel free to add them; I'd also love to find some more to read with the same vibes.

[guarnerepdf]

would you please rec some of your favourite fics so that I can uncover your vibe~

-exchange guy

Rivers always reach the sea (series) by bitchbutter is my favorite collection of fanfics ever written. Every single work rewired my brain in such a way that i constantly think about it. (My specific fave works of it is the first and last work 😭 because I love angst).

Where to begin by ama I unexpectedly really really ended up loving I think I finished the fic in under 4 hours on a free Thursday afternoon! I think about this pairing fondly :)

The only kind of savior we’ve been sent by roaroftheninth is another work I really really love. I think about this fic a lot and I really loved Mary’s and Sid’s characterization in it.

I’m really enjoying the little talks series by @blood-mocha-latte . I’m really excited to see where this is going as I’m infected by the luztoye virus and it’s getting bad…

The History Books Forgot About Us (And the Bible Didn't Mention Us) by callmejude RUINED MEEEEEEEEE I WILL NEVER BE OK ANYMORE!