#it was so horrible pain I cant even explain

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

[duhnova]

guys don’t get asthma, -100000000/10 would NOT recommend.

[hecksupremechips]

I need so much help I’m so stressed I’m fucking drowning oh god oh god oh god

[talkingattumble]

Hi guys! Here’s some advice from a cane user on how to spot a fake cane user/disability faker!

YOU CANT

You can not spot a “fake disabled” cane user. You can not know if someone’s “really disabled”, much less by just looking at them. Here are some common misconceptions.

“Cane users always need their canes. If they walk without it or put it away when it’s inconvenient, they’re faking”: WRONG! Many cane users are what we call “ambulatory” cane users. This means they don’t always need their canes to walk. I’m an ambulatory cane user, and I experience really horrible leg pain on the daily. However, I don’t always use my cane, and when I don’t need to walk or stand a lot in a certain place I don’t use it. And when I do use it, I may lift it off the ground or carry it in places that are sandy, gravelly, or otherwise hinder my cane.

“Cane users walk abnormally without their canes, someone who walks normally without their cane is faking”: WRONG! Many ambulatory cane users can walk in a way that seems “normal”. This doesn’t mean they’re not in pain, or not “really disabled”. This just means that their condition doesn’t cause a noticeable difference in walking, and likely manifests in a different way.

“Cane users always need their cane, someone who doesn’t use their cane at home is faking”: WRONG! Cane users may not use their canes at home, because at home they may be able to do things like sit down wherever and whenever, regain more spoons, and use other mobility aids. Additionally, some ambulatory cane users only need or use their canes when they are doing something physically taxing, like going on a hike or standing in a long line.

“My cane user friend told me this person looks like they’re faking, so it must be true”: WRONG! Being a cane user doesn’t immediately make you an expert on all different conditions and experiences. Your friend does not know the random cane user walking down the street, they are going off looks and stereotypes. Disabled people are not immune to being ableist.

“They enjoy their cane too much/they’re too happy/they decorate their cane, so they can’t actually be in enough pain to need a cane” WRONG! We’re people like everyone else, and we experience positive emotions too, even if we go through a lot of pain. To me, customizing my cane is like getting a tattoo or putting streaks in my hair, it’s a way of self expression. And we deserve to be able to talk openly about our full experience, which include the parts we’re neutral or happy about.

“They’re one of those cringey teenagers who name themselves arson and like dsmp, so they’re probably faking” WRONG! Do I even have to explain why saying someone isn’t disabled because of their name and interests is messed up and also stupid? Or did you already know that and just wanted to make fun of a disabled teenager?

“They’re too young to be using a cane, so they must be faking” WRONG! there are lots of disabilities or injuries that can cause young people to need a mobility aid. For example, I use a cane for my fibromyalgia.

“They only use it in private places, and never in places where people recognize them, so they must be faking” WRONG! In a world where anyone can just randomly take out their phone, take a picture of a cane user, and post them online to be made fun of, it can be stressful to use a cane in public areas. Also, they may not want people to ask questions, or they may feel embarrassed about it.

“I saw them switch hands, so they must be faking” WRONG! There are different reasons a cane used might do this, but I’m going to use my experience as an example. My fibromyalgia is not consistent. Sometimes one leg hurts more then the other. But as I said, fibromyalgia is inconsistent, and sometimes my other leg will start to hurt more or need more support, which is when I switch hands. And when both my legs hurt equally, I may switch my hand if it’s getting too sore.

“They told me they feel like they’re faking when they use their cane, doesn’t that mean they don’t really need it?” WRONG! Imposter syndrome is strong in a lot of disabled people, especially when for a lot of our lives we were told by doctors that we were fine and just being dramatic. Anxiety is also comorbid with a lot of physically disabilities, which only strengthens this. To add to this, something that I’ve felt and seen other disabled people talk about it, when their disability aid lessens the pain, they start thinking “well I’m not in that much pain so I don’t really need it” even though the reason they’re not in that much pain is because of the aid. I know it seems dumb, but imposter syndrome can be that strong and affects disabled people a lot.

“They don’t have a diagnosis, so they must be faking” WRONG! First of all, diagnoses are expensive. On their own they’re often already expensive, but counting the tons of tests you have to take to confirm the diagnosis? Absolutely ludicrous. Some may also choose not to get a diagnosis, so that they don’t have to deal with the prejudice and setbacks of being diagnosed. Also, some people use a cane for injuries, and for stress or fatigue related pains.

These are only a few of the things I commonly hear from fakeclaimers, and I wanted to just put out a reminder that fakeclaiming hurts the disabled community much, much more than it does ableists. Next time you see someone with a cane switch hands, or someone with a wheelchair stand up, or someone with crutches put them down, before you immediately call them out to a friend, take a picture, or write a post: does your fakeclaim rely on stereotypes? Are your reasons things that apply to ambulatory aid users?

If so, just stop. Be mindful. Please.

[ludicdoll]

smut fic w kai (archie m) from voyagers 🙌🙌 cant find nothing on other writing platforms ☹️

𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 — kai ☆

pairing: kai x afab!reader

warnings: smut, masterbation, backshots, fingering, cussing

synopsis: your desires for a fellow crew member deepens as you slowly come off the blue.

a/n: i gotchuuu this movie was so ass but he was so fine in ittt, also u didn’t specify what exactly the scenario was so i hope this is okay😭

it’s been almost a week since you stopped taking the blue. kai said it was medication, and since richard was gone, that meant no rules. well, besides from christopher being a pain in the ass ever since he was voted to be richard’s replacement. you didn’t know if you were having withdrawls from not taking your medication or not, but you’ve been having strange thoughts about a certain someone on the ship — kai. you’ve always been close to him, only as friends of course. he helped you around a lot with your projects, he was kind to you. but now, you can’t look at him in the eye without thinking about the unspeakable thoughts you have about him.

you didn’t have these vulgar thoughts about anyone else but kai. sure, every once in a while there would be something about the other boys on the ship, but nothing as extreme as the dreams you have about kai. you would twitch nervously around him when he would talk to you let alone being in the same room as you.

you scratch the back of your neck, staring dully at the metal boards in front of you. you had to build something for a part of the hardware for the ship, but you didn’t know where to start. you look around, watching as the other pairs around you worked efficiently. you furrow your brows, tapping the edge of the screws with your screwdriver. “hey,” kai says while placing his hands on your shoulders. “fuck!” you yelp, turning around to him. “you scared me,” you breathe out. he raises his hands up in defense, “sorry, you need help with that?” he replies. you look down at your work space, a mess in front of you. you nod sheepishly, embarrassed.

he gives you a friendly smile, sliding his hand into yours to grab the screwdriver. you shiver as his fingers graze over yours. you watch as he starts working, his curls falling over his eyes. his sleeves were rolled up and you couldn’t help but look down at his large hands — slight veins running up his arms. he senses your eyes on him, he looks over at you with parted lips. “do you wanna do it?” he asks while offering the screwdriver back at you. you shake your head hesitantly, “i don’t know how, i wasn’t really listening when richard was explaining.” you admit shyly. kai laughs, straightening his back. “i’ll help you out, i’ll tell you where to put stuff.” he waits for an answer as you rub your arm nervously. you nod, switching spots with him.

you grab the screwdriver, listening to kai’s instructions. unfortunately, you were horrible at listening to his directions too. you were too distracted by his voice. “have you been feeling strange?” kai asks abruptly. you snap your head up to him, feeling slightly aroused at his height compared to you. your eyes dart around the room anxiously. “like how?” he shrugs, staring down at his hands. “i don’t know, like desires… about things.” the way he says it makes you think he’s been having those thoughts too. you feel uneasy, almost a little called out. “yes,” you admit. “have you?” you inquire. he gives you a skeptical look, but nods in return. you hum, trying to focus on your work.

“c’mon guys, you’re not even halfway done.” christopher interferes. he looks disappointed at the two of you. “sorry,” you utter in shame. kai doesn’t look embarrassed though, he looks more annoyed than anything. you glance around, realizing everyone was either gone, or finishing up their part. “can’t we just finish this tomorrow. we’re both tired.” kai says. christopher looks at the two of you, waving you off. he walks away, leaving the room. you sigh, your screwdriver clattering onto the white table. “we’ll have more time tomorrow, it’s fine.” kai says while patting your shoulder, the warmth of his hand on your skin making you sweat. you bite your lip to keep your thoughts to yourself.

you feel his hand fall farther down your back, almost touching your hips. you look over at him, his eyes staring down at you. “i think i’m gonna go get some rest.” you say while moving back. he draws his hand back quickly before placing them to his side. he gives you an awkward smile, nodding. “yea, me too.” he mutters. you say goodnight to him, rushing down the dimly lit halls back to your room. you close the door behind you, trying to comprehend what had happened. was he having thoughts about you too? you waved it off, laying flat in your bed. you look up at the dark ceiling, the vulgar thoughts about kai slowly slipping into your mind. you groan, closing your eyes trying to drift off to sleep, but it doesn’t work.

you feel guilty as your hand travels down your stomach to the waistband of your pants. you slowly touch yourself, feeling the wetness of your cunt. you think of kai touching you, grinding against your naked figure. you moan quietly — imagining his large hands exploring every part of your body. before you could reach your sweet release, you hear a knock. you sit up abruptly trying to fix yourself up. staring at the door, you breathe out and carefully walk over to the door. you stand there for a second before opening it. you hide behind the door, peaking your head out. kai’s standing in front of you, his hands behind his back. he’s looking at his feet before turning his head to face you. he stares down at you, a slight smirk on his face. you look up at him, worried he might’ve heard your soft whimpers through the door.

“you forgot this,” he says while revealing a notebook behind his back. you grab it, thanking him. it had all your notes on research you had done earlier that day. you both stand there, an awkward silence blooming. “so,” he starts, “can’t sleep?” he asks. you nod, avoiding eye contact with him shamefully. you feel his fingers on your jaw as he moves your face to look into his eyes. “you can’t look at me now?” he whispers under his breath. you gulp, parting your lips to say something — but he quickly shushes you by smashing his lips onto yours. his hands quickly falls to your waist, shutting the door loudly with his back. you drop your notebook on the ground, looping your arms around his neck, feeling his tongue exploring your mouth. you whimper as his rough kisses trail down to your neck.

you whimper as he staggers closer to your body, pulling off his fitted long sleeve and pants. his hands wander up your shirt, unclipping your bra. you take off your shirt, stripping down to your panties. kai grabs your arm, softly pulling you towards the bed. he sits down on the edge of the small mattress, looking down at the floor signaling you to kneel. you do as you are instructed, immediately falling to your knees in between his legs. your nails dig into your thighs as you watch him edge the band of his boxers. he’s messing with you and you know it. he gives you a smirk before finally pulling them down revealing his thick cock, already dripping in precum.

you look up at him, eyes wide. he leans back on his hands, tilting his head at you. you take his dick into your hand, slowly pumping up and down. you glance up at him, his mouth slightly opened. he rolls his head back, breathing loudly as you slowly swirl your tongue around the throbbing tip. “you’re so beautiful like that,” he mutters with lust. you hum, your face warm from his praises. you start bobbing your head up and down on his dick, eyes getting teary. you knit your brows together realizing how wet you were getting. you suck him up, your pretty lips parted around his girth. kai cups your cheek with his hand, his thumb rubbing your jawline softly. he groans as your tongue continues flicking over his tip. “that’s it baby, that’s it.” he chants as you lock eyes with him. you pick up your pace, placing your unoccupied hand on his thigh for balance.

“fuck, i need you so bad.” he mumbles as you gag on his dick. you shove your head down his cock, taking in his full length down your throat. he loved the way you looked with tears running down your pretty face, those swollen lips around his dick, and your puppy dog eyes looking up at him. he watched his dick poke through your throat. you come back up to his tip, whimpering when he grabs your head, softly forcing you back down on his cock which causes you to whine. you close your eyes, shuddering as the cold air brushes past your breasts. “kai,” you manage to mutter through your cries, “mhm,” he replies as his hand cups your face again. you line wet kisses on the sides of his length, gliding your tongue over the tip.

that sends him over the edge. you hear him choke back a moan, coating the insides of your mouth with his cum. he sighs, looking down at your small figure underneath him. you lick up his semen, a lewd expression on your face. you pull away from his cock, a string of saliva breaking connections your tongue to his tip. before you could say anything — he grabs you by the waist, throwing you onto the bed but making sure to not hurt you. you yelp in surprise, quickly supporting yourself on your hands, looking back to see kai kissing your back. your breath hitches as his kisses slowly make its way to your ass. his hand creeps up into your underwear, his long fingers dipping inside of your drenched cunt. “you’re soaked,” he says, almost in a shocked tone.

“i’ve been thinking about you for so long,” you whimper out as he stretches out your pussy with his fingers. your vision starts getting blurry as he curls his fingers against the walls of your wet cunt. your back slightly arches when he pulls his fingers out. he slides off your panties, lining his tip up to the entrance. you turn your head forward, bracing yourself for the rough impact. you almost scream as his dick splits you open, feeling yourself tightening around his length. you cry out, muffling your moans by hiding your face in the sheets. he starts thrusting into you roughly, his hands on your waist. you squirm, curling your toes as he pounds into the walls of your pussy ruthlessly. “let me hear you, baby. c’mon i wanna hear your pretty little voice.” his voice low, laced with desire.

you grip onto the white sheets, tears drenching the thin covers under you. you moan out quietly, afraid that the other crew members would hear you getting your guts rearranged. the small room is filled with the sound of labored breathing, lewd moans, and skin slapping against each other. you melted into his touch, bouncing your ass against his cock to help him. you hear him whisper an “oh, yea.” behind you. he leans down to your back, his chest against you. he hugs you from behind, his hands massaging your plump breasts. “kai, please.” you beg when you realize he’s slowing down. “please what?” he teases in your ear. “let me cum, please.” he laughs, his breath tickling your neck. “be louder for me and i’ll let you.”

you groan at his response, but quickly arch your back against his chest when you feel him rubbing circles on your clit. you felt so dirty. he knows how much you wanted him now, how much you longed for this moment with him. you pant, your breathing stopping every once in awhile in response to his thick cock and skilled fingers. he fucks you into the mattress, spreading your ass with his hands to get a better view of his length sliding in and out of you. you turn your head back at him, staring at him with half lidded eyes. he laughs, keeping direct eye contact with you as he makes you chase your climax.

you can tell he’s about to cum again too. his thrusts start to get sloppier, inconsistent. you feel like a knots being tied in your core, being pulled on until it snaps. you gasp loudly, finally cumming together. your moans and his curses mix together. the wave from his cum painting your pussy makes you whimper. you swear you saw stars after you came. “fuck,” you mutter. your body feels limp as kai lays his chest on your back again, sighing into your skin. you can still feel his dick twitching inside of you. he peppers kisses against you before carefully pulling out. you shudder at the lost of contact. he plops down in the small bed, pulling you into his side. he places his head into the crook of your neck. “we should do this more,” he whispers slyly. you nod in response, his arms tightening around you as he kisses you one last time before drifting off to sleep.

© do not publish my writings on other sites.

[unknownperson246]

You need to write a story where reader is insecure and Nikki lays her on the bed and kisses down her body, explaining what he loves about each part he kisses and when he reaches her heat he kisses her clit and starts to dirty talk to her. 🫦 And then he fucks her hard until she can't walk. 🫠

Can't walk

Words: 553

Warnings: *smut* *cussing* *p in v* *dirty talk* *minor degradation* *f receiving* *blood*

“Fuck. I look hideous” You say while looking at small wrinkles all over your body. After about a couple of minutes, Nikki walks in on you naked while you look at your body in disgust. He also hears the horrible comments you're making about your body.

“Fuck Nikki look at these wrinkles. I'm going to be a raisin soon” You say.

“I need wrinkle cream or something”  You cry out to Nikki.

“Y/N you don't need anything. I love every single thing about you.” Nikki says.

“Here lay down for me,” Nikki says, picking up the blanket to clear some space for you on the bed.

He starts to kiss your tits first. You start to blush even though you are already used to him touching your body.

“I love how they are fun to play with,” He says smirking.

He kisses your stomach.

“I love how cute it is,” Nikki says.

He starts to kiss down your thighs.

“I love how your legs spread whenever I ask for you to spread them you slut” He says.

He moves back up to your V-line.

“I love how sharp your V-Line is,” He says.

He finally moves to your clit.

“I love how you get so wet for me,” Nikki says smirking while he continues to kiss it. 

He starts to do more than just kiss your clit. He starts to eat you out.

“I need you Y/N,” he says

“I love the way you kiss my clit” You moan while holding his head.

“Do you like the way my tongue feels?” Nikki asks.

“Yeah, oh fuck” You moan while squirming.

“I love the things you do with your tongue” You moan while he eats you out.

“I’m going to control you tonight,” Nikki says.

You are so close to coming.

He stops fucking you.

“Nikki, why did you stop?” You whine

“I’m only letting you come with my dick inside of you Y/N,” Nikki says.

His cock springs out of his pants and it touches your stomach. He gets on top of you in your position. Nikki is doing it on purpose to tease you.

“Nikki please I-” Nikki cuts you off while you beg for his cock.

Nikki watches you beg and he decides it's enough. He places his cock at your core and he starts to fuck you. 

“You're so good you slut” He groans.

“Oh Nikki fuck fu-” You hiss. 

Your nails start to dig into his back and you're tight hole clenched around his cock. After he keeps going faster and faster you come on his cock. You feel something shoot up inside of you. 

“You were amazing, you slut” Nikki says with a devilish smirk as he pets the top of your hair.

After a while of sitting there in pain, you clean your come-covered thighs. You notice strings of blood. As soon as you get up you realize he fucked you so hard to the point you cant walk.

“Nikki I can’t walk,” You say to him gulping.

“I can make that better pet,” Nikki says, kissing your forehead.

He reaches out for your hand. He gets you up from the bed. He helps you walk around the bedroom until you feel used to walking. It still hurts but that is what he wanted. 

[seaadc]

hello!!! if you’re up for this, can i request any genshin men with a reader who feels like a horrible person because of things they’ve done in the past? i have a guilt complex lmaoooooo (i say lmao but it’s agony) (PEOPLE IN THE CROWD WITH A GUILT COMPLEX PUT YOUR HANDS UPPPP)

also this is a complete side note but i think this concept would be especially interesting with wrio since he’s always in the fortress or meropide, seeing people who have done wrong everyday in the fairly normal system (by jail standards) they have down there

guilt | wriothesley x reader

OH GOD THIS HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY ASKS FOR A WHILE NOW IM SO SORRY MY NOTIFS ARE ALWAYS FILLED UP AND I DONT SEE ASKS ANYMOREEE T-T

angst w fluff at the end, soft!wrio, he’s comforting youu, gets a bit suggestive at the end, no pronouns used but reader is referred to as ‘my love’ and ‘princess’

it’s nothing to be concerned about really, if you were a criminal and probably rotting in the fortress of meropide for— archons knows how long, you would’ve just let your conscience be the death of you.

but you aren’t! your not sitting around and laying in the fortress of doom meropide, thank the archons.

though you can’t help but think if the seven are laughing at you, quite literally. your state isn’t so stable as it seems..

wriothesley, your partner, had called sigewinne ages ago to check on your health status. although it was all negative, the tests, the results, the examinations, all negative.

there wasn’t anything wrong with you, so why is there an aching pain in your stomach whenever your brain just relapses back to the past, the time where you had done such unforgiving sins, you couldn’t even do a whole statement word for word on what you had done to those poor victims.

one of them, someone special to you. someone special that you had lost because of your own carelessness, someone you had lost because you were being selfish, someone who you wished to cherish for a lifetime— though fate is mocking you unfortunately.

and the pain, the inkling pain deep inside that you cant ignore, it’s annoying. it’s frustrating. it’s … sad.

it’s a pity to see someone like you, a nice person who only wished to improve themselves and hope for a better future. yet it seems celestia didn’t approve.

your longtime partner, wriothesley, had been worried for you. ever since you met, you were always dozing off, not focusing, you looked uncomfortable yet he couldn’t pinpoint what was actually wrong.

it was starting to piss him off, really. the way you doze off when he talks to you, when you two spend time together and your too busy in your own little world to pay attention to him.

wriothesley had decided to sit you down, like what any partner would do when they encounter a misunderstanding or a mishap. communication is key after all.

he couldn’t ever forget the look on your face, the day where you looked at him with such pitiful eyes and regretful ones while he just stared back at you with a stern look.

he feels pity, wriothesley feels pity. someone like him shouldn’t, so what is this he feels?

“tell me what’s been bugging you for months, [name].” wriothesley takes a deep breath, then exhales as you sat there, fidgeting with your fingers. “i didnt get the chance to ask you back then, since it was your privacy after all, hm?” he spoke firmly, his voice laced with curiosity and the tone where he just wants to know the truth.

just tell him, it wouldn’t be so hard. he’s your partner after all, you have every right to tell him so. “[name], i’m doing this to help you. you’re someone extremely precious to me and i can’t help myself just seeing you look so lost.” wriothesley explains, sighing deeply as he waits for your response.

how would he react? he’s the all mighty scary wriothesley after all. he’s known to have less mercy and sympathy on others. why tell? you’ll just embarrass yourself, you thought to yourself.

but you couldn’t. you couldn’t keep a secret, especially towards him. if he was any other people, a stranger, you would’ve kept it till the end of your life. but he’s not just a stranger.

he’s your partner, your loved one, your everything. wriothesley is someone you can trust, someone you care for. is it really worth keeping a secret from him?

you took a deep breath, letting the air get past your nostrils. “i have.. committed alot of unforgettable things in the past, someone like you wouldn’t like. someone like you wouldn’t appreciate.” you confessed, looking down and avoiding your beloved’s longing stare.

wriothesley looks at you, tilting his head in confusion. you? doing things that he couldn’t possibly imagine? “ever since i’ve started to open up a new path to walk on, the guilt in my chest still pains me. it’s almost eating me whole.” you continue.

he smiles at you, not a happy smile, a faint sad smile. he’s quite joyful about how you were guilty, and not like any other person who wouldnt even feel the slightest bit of empathy to what they’ve done wrong in the past.

this is the [name] he fell inlove with. the honest, confident, firm, one. there was no denying that wriothesley was hopelessly inlove with you. and he finds it lovingly amusing.

“if you regret it, then it’s okay. you don’t have to be in debt of a thing you regret on doing. if you truly feel guilt, then it just means your improving and want to be a better person my love.” he smiles, standing up and walking over to your seat, crouching before you as you were forced to look at him.

wriothesley holds your chin, going up to caress your cheeks coated with a red flush. “it may be your fault or not, but there will always be a way to fight back the sins of the past. you can get through it, i know you can.”

“your the strong and confident lady i love after all, hm?” he says with a grin, which makes your already flustered enough face go even more red.

you smile tenderly as he continues to caress your cheek, you leaned into his touch as you hear him chuckle lowly. wriothesley stands up straight, his hand now on your head as he ruffles your soft and silky hair.

wriothesley smirks, a teasing one. which means he’s probably going to say something just to tease you and to lighten up the mood a bit. “besides, i’m the only one who’s allowed to eat you whole, princess.”

made by @seaadc and @seaadc only !!

laughinf bc i made this at exactly 1am LMFAOO (i’m mentally unstable)

[starmocha]

never the same Rafayel/MC | 2216 words | AO3 She will be his magnum opus. A/N: Uhh…this can be interpreted as sharing the same timeline as “the day bleeds into nightfall” or it’s in its own individual timeline. Not sure if it explains my mental state, but I wrote this while playing Kitty Cards at 2am.

He had that dream again.

Or rather, it was that nightmare that continued to play on loop every time he closed his eyes.

As the sun glared into his face, Rafayel blinked his grogginess away, his mind still lingering in a haze as the last remnants of his dream slipped away. His eyes adjusted to the room, and he remembered. As he sat up, groaning at the back pain, he realized he had fallen asleep on the wooden floor in the living room again.

He had lost count of how many times that had happened in the last four months. He cradled his head in his hand, groaning as he heard Thomas’ voice ringing in his ears over and over again:

Rafayel…I’m sorry…She is…

Rafayel groaned aloud, burying his face into his hands, wishing he was still asleep, just trapped in a horrendous dream waiting to wake up. He heaved and sobbed, just wishing he could bury the memory of that horrible day, but no matter how strongly he willed it, Thomas’ voice cut through, pained and saddened, but nowhere near the level of grief that consumed Rafayel:

She is…

“…dead.” He stared soullessly at his destroyed studio, canvases were smashed, incinerated, or shredded mercilessly with his blade during his rage. Paintbrushes were snapped like toothpicks while paint splattered everywhere like a crime scene.

Rafayel no longer found joy in his studio. He had not held a brush or pencil in four months except to destroy them in his grief and anger. There was no longer any inspiration or passion for his paintings just like how he no longer found any reason to wake up.

When she had left, she had taken all of the colors out of his palette.

The world had turned to gray, and he found himself stuck in a stagnant, his days repeating the same as he mindlessly scrolled through his phone, looking at the messages he had sent over the months to someone who would never be able to respond to him again. He looked at the last conversation he had sent, just a month earlier:

do you know what the most heartbreaking thing in the world is

withered flowers beached fish

and me when i cant see you

Rafayel sighed and leaned against the window, his eyes drifting to the sparkling sea outside. The water seemed so inviting, like she was inviting him back into her embrace, urging him to let her lull him to sleep and forget this unrelenting pain.

He turned his gaze back down to his phone in his hand, his eyes drifting to the next conversation, dated two months ago:

its been a week and still cant paint anything

i think my inspiration left with something

His breath grew ragged as he scrolled up.

no motivation to paint these days

should i shut myself in

He scrolled up to three months earlier, recalling when he was finally starting to allow the notion that she was gone to enter his mind. He gripped his phone tightly as his hand trembled.

dun even remember what day it is today

the sea outside looks blue but also gray

a gray sea sounds pretty cool? maybe the entire world was gray from the start

He scrolled up to the first text conversation he had sent four months earlier, just three days after Thomas had revealed the devastating news to the painter and subsequently after his own vandalism of his studio.

thomas asked me why i didnt clean up my studio yesterday

nobodys coming over so why would i

When she had left, she had forsaken him again.

He knew she never did it willingly, never intending to hurt him, but the pain was all the same. For once, Rafayel found himself actually walking to his bedroom and laying down on the plush mattress to stare at the domed ceiling overhead. It was still dusk, but within just a few minutes, nightfall would take over, and the stars would come out to shine and illuminate the sky.

He raised his phone, covering his view of the glass dome. His eyes focused in on the last text message she had sent him shortly before her final mission:

Gonna send you messages in drift bottles LOL

The reception is going to be really bad in the mountains. I promise I’m not ignoring you, so don’t freak out again. We’ll go eat seafood when I’m back home! Or do you want sushi again? Make a decision before I come home!

“Neither,” he mumbled to the quiet room, his eyes already drifting back to the first word of the message as he reread it again and again and again, until the sound of waves finally lulled him to sleep under the starry sky.

When she had left, he wished to return to the ocean, becoming the seafoam and forget the cutting pain of mortal life.

The dream was always that same scene of Thomas breaking the news to Rafayel, but each time he had had the dream, the words started getting more muffled, like they were underwater.

This time was no different as Rafayel closed his eyes, wishing to drown out the words and forget the pained look on his agent’s face. When he opened his eyes again, he realized he was underwater. His face relaxed, feeling the familiar cool water embraced him. The brief moment of serenity did not last long, though, as his sight caught a glimpse of a figure slowly sinking into the dark depths of the ocean.

His chest ached with a searing hot pain, his heart responding to her as she drifted further and further away from him. His body went into auto-mode, unaware of the instinctual changes as fin replaced the human legs he had previously. He swam with the swift speed of a black marlin, but no matter how close he should be getting to her, she was always cruelly pulled further out of his reach.

His voice called out to her, his throat raw with pain and desperation as he screamed and reached out, silently begging for their fingers to just touch.

“Come back…” His fin thrashed in the water, propelling him deeper into the cold darkness. He extended his arm, reaching desperately for her limp hand. “Come back…back…to me…”

As the darkness enveloped her, Rafayel woke up screaming and shaking, his chest tightening with pain as the dream replayed over and over in his mind. He buried his face into his hand, screaming and cursing for anyone to hear him.

“Why…why…wh…”

Just how many lifetimes was he supposed to endure, only for her to slip through his fingers like sand time and time again?

Rafayel mindlessly browsed a shopping website on his phone, just adding products after products to his cart without thinking about the actual necessity of the items or the prices. He also ordered art supplies again: new canvases, paint, and tools, but as he finalized the payment, he felt the same emptiness, the lack of desire to create.

His orders arrived the next day, sitting outside the studio for hours until Thomas stopped by and helped hauled the packages inside.

Along with his presence, Thomas had also brought along a bag of takeout food.

“It’s just fried chicken,” his agent commented, laying the greasy fast food out on the kitchen counter. “But it’s better than not eating.” The brunet looked at the painter with shades of disappointment and worries. “When was the last time you have eaten, Rafayel?”

Rafayel leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest, and shrugged. “Dunno. Wednesday?”

“It’s Friday today,” Thomas bit out immediately, voice tinged with a layer of frustration. He sighed, reining in his emotions. “Just eat something. I have a meeting with the press in two hours. What should I tell them about your next project?”

Rafayel walked over and bit into a chicken tender strip. “Ugh, bland,” he quipped, tone unchanging. He waved off Thomas’ question. “Tell them I became a hermit. I ran away and I’m not painting anymore.”

Thomas crossed his arms and looked at Rafayel with a shake of his head, sensing that Rafayel was trying to maintain his usual flippant attitude, but this time, though, the once normal exaggeration seemed genuine. “I’ll tell them you are taking a break then.”

Rafayel waved him off without a glance as he stared at the array of fried chickens, buttered toast, onion rings, and a soda on the counter. “Should I make a sandwich…”

He placed the toast on a plate, spreading mayonnaise on the bread before stacking two chicken tenders and a large onion ring on top. He closed his creation with another slice of toast, pressing down on the sandwich before taking a bite, wishing he could go back to that perfect evening when she and him had shared a similar homecooked meal together.

Days slipped by in the usual monotony of disinterest and solitude, but sometimes Rafayel would break the cycle and sit down on the floor in front of the coffee table with Reddie’s fish bowl on top.

He watched the little fish swim in circles for hours, both of them unaware of the passage of time.

“Do you miss her?” Rafayel asked the fish. “Do you think about her?”

The Lemurian listened to his fish companion respond, and he sighed empathetically. “I do, too,” he admitted quietly as he reached for the bottle of fish food. He gave three light taps, watching the little round pellets float on the surface of the fish bowl.

Reddie immediately swam to the bottom of his bowl, hiding within the modest decorations to avoid his owner.

Rafayel frowned.

“You need to eat,” he scolded the little fish.

Reddie peeked out and opened his mouth, seemingly echoing the same words back to his owner.

For a moment, silence filled the studio, the only sound heard were the waves crashing on the shore outside and sea gulls crying overhead. Eventually, Rafayel relented.

“Yeah, okay,” he muttered, standing up and heading into the kitchen, unaware that Reddie swam to the top of his bowl and began eating again.

Rafayel knew there was no correct or concrete unanimous consensus for the exact appropriate time to grieve, but he still found himself angry with everyone.

The world was already moving on. Her former co-workers have already returned to some semblance of normalcy without her. No one mentioned her or her name. Strangers who had only met her once or pass by her unspoken had no idea a fair maiden had been taken from the world, her mere life exchanged for the sake of others.

The very thought enraged him, igniting the flames within himself.

She would not be forgotten, he vowed. Not by him and not by the world. For the remainder of this mortal life, he would pour his heart and soul into preserving her existence.

Rafayel picked up a paintbrush for the first time in months and he stepped forward, his sight set on the enormous canvas that claimed the entire studio wall.

My magnum opus.

The studio filled up with canvases of varying sizes, all at different stages of completion. Many of them were deemed as failed attempts to capture her beauty, her soul, her existence. Crumbled sketches scattered across the floor, surrounding Rafayel as he lay there staring up at the ceiling. Occasionally his eyes drifted to the large canvas waiting for him to start adding paint strokes to it.

It was not time yet. He hadn’t perfected her, still needing to practice recreating every single part of her on sketch papers and smaller canvases. He needed to perfect the curves of her body as she moved and swayed, capture the way her hair had flowed, and mix the perfect shade of paint that truly was reminiscent of her beautiful eyes.

Rafayel was in a hypnotized daze, losing himself to his newfound obsession of preserving her memory for the world to see.

She was here.

She was here.

She was here.

Through his paintings, he was going to scream to the world that she was here and she would be immortalized alongside the great muses of the past. He surrendered himself to endless nights of painting, trapped in a frenzy as he hurried to capture the images in his mind before they slipped away.

“…here…she was here…” His hand glided across the canvas as his chest throbbed, the desperation to hold onto the image in his mind was etched on his face as he moved quickly to preserve it. “She…is here…”

Dawn broke through the night, the orange glow of the sun taking over, its light creeping into the studio as Rafayel staggered back from his latest creations. He smiled, delirious from the recent spells of sleep deprivation, his eyes taking in the portrait of her he had painted a week prior. The beauty before him smiled radiantly against the backdrop of a blue sky, her eyes locked on his, beckoning him closer to her with an outstretched hand.

One day, in a new lifetime, they will be together again.

“For ‘tis Lemuria’s vow…” he murmured, stepping forward and letting his lips meet hers on the canvas. His eyes closed as he shuddered and sighed, his hand splayed over hers.

A bond everlasting.

[whirlwindimagines]

Hello if its not too much can you write something with soulmate au where you cant lie to each other with babygirl vash? c: thank u

Ahhh good ole soulmate AU we love to see it. Me every time: I’ll make this short :) 800 words later lol

‘Eyes on you, eyes on me’ 

Vash x Reader

You’ve been quietly cleaning your gun for the past five minutes when you feel Meryl’s gaze on you. Looking up and giving her a confused look, she subtly points at Vash. Who is sitting barely in sight by the car struggling with something?

Raising a brow at her she sighs, getting up and joining your side. “I think he’s hurt.” She whispers, you certainly wouldn’t be surprised the firefight you all barely escaped from was intense, but you don’t understand the point she’s trying to make. 

Meryl pouts at you, “will you talk to him? If I ask him, he’ll just wave me off.” You huff, “and why would he listen to me?” You barely know the man, the four of you haven’t been traveling together long. You were just here to do a job, protect some nosy reporters and well you didn’t want to get attached to any of them. It was easy to keep to yourself.

Besides you get it, you were hiding your own injury the bullet had grazed your bicep and you were able to get it cleaned and wrapped before anyone could tell. “Well, you are kind of scary so I figured you had a better chance!” Meryl says this with a smile, and you roll your eyes. With a sigh you holster your weapon and stand brushing sand off yourself you head towards Vash.

You know it’s better not to argue with Meryl you’ll go over and ask, he’ll probably brush you off and that will be that. You stop in front of Vash and he looks up startled but gives you a gentle smile that you know is fake. With a sigh you put your hands on your hips, “Alright Vash, are you hurt?” 

“Yes,” you look at him startled he looks just as confused, as he slaps his hands over his mouth. “What?” You say, “what?!” He repeats, okay now you're confused. You drop down to your knees in front of him, “Vash… what did you say?” He gives you a painful look but drops his hands. 

“I said yes, I am hurt. I got shot, but I’ll be fine honest!” You place a hand on his knee to stop his rambling and he pretty much squeaks at the contact. Your brain is working a mile a minute and then jumps to a horrible conclusion, you couldn’t even think it. 

“Your arm!” Vash says grabbing your upper arm to bring it closer to him, oh damn you must have bled through the bandage, you are already ready to dismiss his worries, but then he asks you a dreaded question. 

“Are you okay?” You want to so badly to just say yes, but the words won’t come and you know why. Because yes is a lie. Your face grows pale and you feel sick, you are not a fool to the idea of soulmates, but just no. Not him, no way! But you can’t lie to him, trying to get the word out makes you sick. 

“No, I’m really not.” You answer honestly, not able to meet his eyes. Because you are scared, of what this could mean for the two of you. He’s not saying anything now and you're thankful for it. 

Vash can only stare at you, he’s not naive Rem had once explained to him and Nai the concept of human soulmates, but everyone figured that didn’t include them since they were well… different. But yet here you are right in front of him! He drops your arm, unsure what to say to you. 

“Look let’s start over, y/n it’s nice to meet you.” You hold out a hand for him with a nervous smile, he smiles softly at you a real one as he takes your hand in his. “Vash and the pleasure are all mine.” You laugh as he grips your hand, we’ll it’s not a lie you conclude this would certainly be interesting. 

You take the med kit that he had been trying to hide, and you patch up the wound on his side, luckily, he was just grazed. You can see him blushing as your hands skim over his side, you decide not to point it out because you are sure your own face looks similar. 

“All done.” You whisper, he takes the med kit from you and gives you a pointed look. “Oh, you don’t have to, it really doesn’t hurt much.” You answer with a sigh, “I want to.” He pouts at you, and who are you to refuse? The silence stretches out, and your mouth works faster than your brain. 

“So, soulmates huh?” Now, why would you say that, you blush even brighter and Vash makes a choking noise as he ties off your bandage a little too tightly. Which makes you yelp. 

“Sorry!” He cries out, you try to shush him not wanting to gain the attention of your other traveling companions. “It’s fine!” He relaxes, now that he knows you can’t lie to him your words have a bit more weight to them. Feeling brave you move to sit next to him on his uninjured side, grabbing his flesh hand in your own. 

“This is nice.” You say leaning your head on his shoulder, he lets out a soft chuckle leaning his cheek on top of your head. “Yeah, it is.” 

You two have a lot to figure out, but for now, you would just enjoy each other's company under the stars.

[bibibbon]

MHA 412 leaks (rant)

Iam not a fan of the leaks I really am not because wtf is going on?!?!?!

1) THIS !!! THIS WAS ONE OF THE WORST THINGS TO COME OUT OF THE FLIPPING MANGA. What the actual hell like there is no izuku introspection and also I get the idea that's being displayed here but it was done horribly in my opinion. It also doesn't make sense on applying this ideology to shigaraki considering that he literally told shigaraki he could never forgive him because of what he did to Eraserhead.

Look not giving up on the idea of people being able to change could be a good thing and idea that could be explained through midoriyas character and making him a symbol of hope. However, that doesn't excuse the horrible stuff going on between bakugo and izukus dynamic. Izuku has clearly been shown having negative feelings towards bakugo (as he should) and we should of seen those negative feelings explored this to me feels like an utter BS of an excuse to be like no izuku is just naturally a living saint which IS ALSO UTTER BS. We have seen izuku get mad and fight like a lunatic a whole bunch and now Iam supposed to believe that izuku can never feel a bad or negative emotion towards anyone because of this?!?!!?!?! The bakugo redemption fails due to many things but the main thing is the lack of izukus thought. about it.

Here is the thing YOU CAN FEEL NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AND HATE SOMEONE BUT STILL HAVE HOPE THAT THEY CAN CHANGE AND BECOME A BETTER PERSON but horikoshi does this to make bakugo look better?!?!? Why?!?!

2) ALSO THIS?!?!?!!

Wdym izuku has to give up the thing that he had to gain so he can win?!?! How is he gonna win is horikoshi going to make this a vestiges fighting eachother type of bs whole izuku defends himself quirkless somehow ??!?!??!??! Also why is it that he is THE ONLY CHARACTER WHO IS GETTING CONCEQUENCES?!?! Like you have tokoyami and hawks who lost their quirks but gained it back because AFO died so why not ( NO CONCEQUENCES) and then you have bakugo who LITERALLY CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD (no concequences) the only real concequences there were are some injuries then and there but that's it nothing big for the major and fan loved characters happend they're all alive and fighting.

If the point was that izuku could of become a hero with no quirk then shouldn't if he just become a quirkless hero instead of suffering getting a Quirk more suffering more suffering losing a quirk and more suffering!?!?

3) Also don't even get me started on how dirty shigarakis character is being done this guy wants to destroy stuff for fun not because he believes that the only way to rebuild a society suitable for him and his friends is by destruction or another ideology no he is just a psycho who wants revenge against THE WRONG PERSON!!!!!

4) wasted potential. IZUKUS LACK OF INTROSPECTION AND POV MADE THIS HORRIBLE. like it could of been good but it fell off horribly due to the fact that he didn't have any development and he is just jumping to ideologies. I think this ideology suits him but in theory he hasn't developed enough for him to have it in the first place. Also the lack of pov also makes us DOWNPLAY HIS BATTLE Strategy AND THE THINGS HE IS DOING. LIKE YALL AREN'T DEEPING THAT HE CANT BREATHE THIS GUY MAY DIE OR GET SEVERE BRAIN DAMAGE BUT IS STILL FIGHTING LIKE A MADMAN and I don't see people talking about it all Iam seeing is "oh bakugo parallel hehe bs". Horikoshi then goes on to show us panels of izuku training and you can tell there isn't a lot because NO ACADEMIA ARC AND BAD PACING OF STORY. The idea of him destroying society's pain rug could of been cool but again not enough pov or introspection or anything

5) WHY IS STAR AND STRIPES HERE?!?!?!! Like did shigaraki steal her quirk because I forgot and if he did then why hasn't he killed izuku using her quirk that's so stupid. Horikoshi has told us and shown us that shigaraki wants death and destruction. He ruined shigaraki and is he now downplaying his intelligence or something or is this some plot hole because why is she here and why isn't her quirk being utilised also what happend to shigaraki using danger sense?!?!! Like I swear that stuff was active last chapter so what happend now can the vestiges just deny and not give him access or something but if that's the thing he can freely use ragdolls quirk.

ALSO SHIG AND IZUKU ARENT THAT WELL DEVELOPED AND ONLY HAVE PARALLELS THROWN AROUND WITH NO INTERACTIONS SO HOW IS THIS GONNA WORK

[orrrganicgoosegoose]

Hi! i hope you are doing well♥️

love your blog!

im sorry if this seems repetitive, it probably is. but i really need some kind words rn.

so everyone says to just be and be bold and experience whatever you want its all here rn. and i try but whatever i want is so opposite to the current illusion im witnessing and im too tired to work *as a human* for anything esp since i know im not it!

im from a regressive society and not even allowed to step out of home, so my dreams of freedom and having a great job in a field i dont have a degree in.. thats something i cant seem to witness/experience?

if i spend time “just being” it makes me feel extreme guilt for not working/trying to get freedom..

and then i feel since im finding self to get rid of current pain/life it won’t work, because idk?

idk if im explaining it well enough.. but how do i just be and directly experience myself and end this whole ordeal?

Hi darling, I’m doing well thank you 🩷 how are you?

Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear that, my heart goes out to you. I understand that your seeming circumstances seem horrible but it’s really just a nightmare.

In order to see yourself, you don’t have to stop working or trying to get freedom, in the end you also are while working, right? So you can just be and seemingly do stuff at the same time because truly, you aren’t doing anything. You are always just being.

You also mentioned trying to experience something else, but experiencing doesn’t really have ”trying” in it. Did you try to send this ask or did you just do it? Your circumstances may seem solid, but they aren’t, they aren’t even there. Whether you are having a nightmare or the most beautiful dream ever, in the end it’s still just a dream. And you actually experienced everything you wanted to, however you are creating duality between ”imagination” and ”physical reality” which is why you only ended up seemingly experiencing some stuff only in the former. But there is no physical reality or imagination. It’s just you experiencing yourself in the form of a fleeting dream so convincing you mistook it for real.

Also, most of us ”went on this journey” because our dreams weren’t exactly comfortable either, that won’t stop you from seeing yourself unless you let it, no need to worry. You are god, or whatever you want to call it, only you can put limits on yourself.

I hope I managed to answer your questions, if not please let me know. And you got this, I know you do :) sending hugs 🫂

[imabee-oralizard]

i may actually be losing my hearing in my left ear 🥲

could just be me being dramatic but i cant even explain the excruciating pain im in rn and like everything is muffled on my left side

how fun 🙃

Go to the doctors!!!! Now!!

No im being serious

When I was a kid my eardrum almost ruptured and it felt so horrible

Went to the doctors and they got it with a little bit of time

You need to go to the doctors

Worst it is a waste of time

[ackermanbitch]

david shaw x sick!angel blurb

i woke up horribly sick yesterday and i did not even know abt the video until halfway thru this LMAO also this is like pretty far into their relationship, hence davey not being a jerk

warnings: sickness, fluff, like one innuendo cus its angel guys, also angel likes chai because i dont believe theres anyone who doesnt like chai so im sorry if u dont like chai and cant relate hjbasvgbx

Angel was awoken by their own pounding headache, keeping their eyes closed as they blindly reached out for the duvet to pull it over their head with a groan. They so badly wanted to get up and pull the curtains closed, rather than rely on the blanket to shut out the light that was only worsening their quickly growing headache, but alas, their sore muscles screamed in protest when they tried to sit up, ultimately failing and falling back onto the excessive amount of pillows with a soft thump.

They reached for David but he was too far on the other side of the bed, as they usually ended up after a night of cuddling, when the warmth became uncomfortable. Now all they really needed was warmth, sudden chills breaking out across their body.

"Davey.." They called out, the hoarseness of their own voice startling them.

He wasn't exactly a heavy sleeper, grumbling in response.

"Can you please close the curtains?" They groaned, shifting closer to him.

He hummed, taking a second or two before finally climbing out of bed and strolling to the window, pulling the curtains closed the rest of the way.

"Migraine?" He questioned softly, not bothering to pull the blanket from over their head as he sat back down, knowing the general drill for this sort of thing.

"So much worse." Angel rasped a bit dramatically, following it up with a drawn out whimper. David sighed, bringing a hand to rest on what he assumed was their head hidden under the duvet, "Isn't the flu going around your office right now? I told you to be careful."

Angel gasped, slowly pulling the blanket down. "How dare you chastise me when I'm so vulnerable." They accused, the creases between their brows deepening.

David chuckled, "I'm just saying, I warned you. Every time you get sick, it hits you like a train." He teased, moving his hand to their a face, his thumb pressing gently against the space between their brow.

"Thank god it's the weekend." They whispered, closing their sore eyes, David humming in reply.

"And if it wasn't, I wouldn't let you go to work like this, even if it meant chaining you to this bed."

"You know, I'd probably be-"

"-into that, yeah I know you would, you perv." He laughed, pulling the blanket back up over their head before standing from the bed with a yawn. "I'll get you some tea."

"Chai, please." They requested almost inaudibly but David didn't need to hear them to know exactly what they wanted, headed to the kitchen to put the kettle on.

Angel rolled over, bringing their hands up to cover their eyes as if they weren't already under a blanket. They'd curl into a ball if their back wasn't too sore to do so, every little movement triggering a flare of pain up and down their back. Since when did the flu become so brutal?

"David! Please bring tylenol too!" Angel shouted, momentarily peeking out from under the blanket and immediately regretting the volume they used as it made them painfully aware of how sore their throat really was. They groaned for the umpteenth time that morning, opting for pulling a pillow over their head instead of a blanket.

David came back a few minutes later, a steaming mug of tea in one hand and two pills in the other. "We're out of tylenol but I brought ibuprofen." He explained quietly, setting the cup and meds on the table. All he got in return were soft snores, a small smile breaking across his face as he lifted the pillow.

"Angel," He whispered, "C'mon, you gotta drink something."

They awoke with yet another groan, slowly sitting up. They winced as they leaned against the headboard, holding out both hands. "Feels like someone took to my back with a hammer."

"Well leaning over a laptop all night isn't gonna help with the muscle aches." David lightly scolded, handing them the mug and the two pills.

After downing the ibuprofen and some gulps of what they thought was the best cup of tea they ever had, they moved to lay back down.

David sighed, placing the tea onto the nightstand before sitting on the edge of the bed, bringing a hand to Angel's arm. "I could draw you a bath," He suggested, "Would really help with the aches."

Angel huffed, "Only if it feels like I'm bathing in lava."

He let out a genuine laugh, standing to make his way to the master bathroom.

"And if you carry me!"

"You are so dramatic."

[romaritimeharbor]

Ok so i finally got to read the new MORAL INJURY chapter and yeah, it’s definitely more on the darker side than the last two. First, i wanna mention that i love you how wrote reader and Scaramouche’s interaction. It feels weird seeing the reader, who in the first chapter was so nice to the test subject they were gonna be experimenting on, be so cold to Scaramouche. And for some reason, i think that might have to do with Dottore’s influence? Like the reader was able to empathize with the other test subjects because they were once like them, a test subject themself. But with Scaramouche? They cant because of two things, his title and physiology (or lack of one?).

Like, Scaramouche has the Harbinger title like Dottore, so i feel like the reader would subconsciously associate him with Dottore as this shitty unfeeling superior who doesnt see anyone below them worth caring about. Which im pretty sure that’s probably true to how Scaramouche is acting during this time but i think its hard to feel empathy for someone they think who’s like their horrible boss. And then his physiology, i feel like the reader is just following Dottore’s fascination on Scaramouche’s creation. It’s not everyday that an Archon’s creation is just being abandoned and not destroyed. Im sure that the reader has experimented on other species before but i think even without Dottore’s interest in Scara, they themself are just as intrigued in him. So while they are doing these stuff under Dottore’s orders, the reader is also a bit intrested in how Scaramouche works which caused them to do a bit more than they need to.

Also i feel like both Scaramouche and the reader are projecting their hatred for Dottore against each other. With Scaramouche, he sees the reader as an extension to Dottore. Capable of hurting experimenting on him like Dottore yet still have a lower standing than him. Which is why he would be an asshole to the reader, he probably wouldnt be one with Dottore himself if he were the one to be checking up on him but the reader is his best next target to just deal with the idea that he’s something lesser in the Doctor’s eyes. With the reader, they somewhat sees Scaramouche as someone in the line of Dottore. An abusive asshole who can do whatever they want. And while the reader was just trying to only do what they need to do when checking up on Scaramouche, aside from their already bad mood, maybe there really was a small part of them that wanted to do the check up much more than they need to. Maybe a small part of them wanted to see Dottore suffer for all the horrible shit he’s done but rn they cant do that, so the best next thing would be Scaramouche, someone who’s just like him. Both of them are hurting each other because they both cant hurt the source of their pain (Dottore) so they’ll just have the best next thing (and sadly, this kind of mentality is an actual thing that happens..)

I also wanna talk about Dottore and reader’s interaction. He sees them as property, doesnt he? Their interactions just makes me think that in some way, he does care in a very twisted way, not as a person but just something that he owns. You did a really good job in explaining on how Dottore sees them as he sees them as some sort of sick entertainment. i wonder, does the reader know any dark secret that Dottore has to use for blackmail? Some sort of blackmail they could possibly use when they defect? Like another payback for their time as his assistant.

Overall, i really like what you made aph! While it was definitely leaning in the storys darker theme, you’ve done a great job at showing Scaramouche and readers interaction! Hope you have a great day/night and remember to drink your daily dose of water! (I’ve been forgetting to drink lately so please dont make the same mistakes like i have)

(ALSO FURINA RERUN IS COMING IN THE NEXT PATCH! I AM SO SKIPPING CLORINDE AND SIGWINNE)

(Also also, im so sorry for somewhat spoilling the Penacony arc 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏😖😖😖)

- 🐱 Anon

I AM SO HAPPY TO GET THIS ASK 🐱 ANON, YOU UNDERSTOOD EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TRYING TO CONVEY AUGHHHHH YOU AND AVERY UNDERSTAND ME SO WELL 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

firstly, it's so easy for reader to be cruel and awful to scaramouche because he isn't human. you know how signora basically said that the only reason scaramouche is number 6 is because he can endure more pain and suffering than humans can? [name] would agree with her (and maybe i will look into including some kind of interaction between them). reader does not see scaramouche as a human being, as a living thing worthy of respect like they are. no. they see him as an object. but this mentality is also because of dottore's influence--dottore sees them like an object too, and they don't know how to cope with how helpless that makes them feel. i think there's something to be said about how the reader mimics dottore's behaviors; a pet only knows what it has been taught, after all. :)

scaramouche and the reader were both in a fucked up struggle for control (as avery, @/starryshinyskies, mentioned in their tags on moral injury ch. 3) that [name], ultimately, came out on top of. reader will not let themselves be bullied by someone who they can control; they can't control the doctor, but they can control the balladeer. they just need to break him a little first. and on the other hand, scaramouche hates having the hands of someone like dottore on him because he knows that even if they're "nicer," they will still hurt him. AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN A HARBINGER. BUT THEY CAN STILL HURT HIM. and reader doesn't want to hurt him!!!!! they don't!!! but how else are they supposed to survive in this fucked up environment if they don't meet those that threaten their safety with bared teeth, so to speak? it's like scaramouche has no control over what happens to him and the only thing he can do to maintain the feeling of control is be an asshole. and to [name], he's just another harbinger prick like dottore even though deep down inside, they KNOW better. but neither of them can hurt dottore, so all they can do is tear one another apart instead.

(on that note, should i look into adding arlecchino interactions? i actually think that our knave, the current knave, would get along well with the reader, once she realized that they also fucking hate their boss.)

dottore and all of his segments just see [name] as their favorite little lab rat... lab mouse, actually. they're not a person to the second harbinger (harbingers..?); they are a thing to be owned, hence why they treated scaramouche like a thing.

well... for one, though they have no real proof... they do know that he is the rumored outcast of the akademiya. or that's what they speculate, at least. it's a theory that will sit in their mind all the way until act 4 (i think), where a certain archon will confirm their suspicions.

THANM YOU DEARRR i loved working on this chapter. i think it's a really good chapter to learn about [name]'s relationships in a more in-depth way. i will, and PLEASEEE drink some water HAHAH /lh

FURINA RERUN 🗣🗣🗣 i love furina and i would pull for her tbh but i'm saving for arle's rerun. i never got her weapon 😔🙏 BUT GOOD LUCK THEN IF YOU PULL FOR HER I HOPE SHE COMES HOME REALLY FAST

(did you? honestly if you did, i don't even remember HAHA i really don't mind the spoilers too much so dw about it!!)

[reddogf13]

What headcannons/trivia do you have on Val?

slightly depends on the story I'm going for.

i think for the most part though, loosely to follow canon:

childhood/ family-ish

- Val has a bit more education then many of Knoths followers. Very likely by someone close, like her parents. Which prob did help her rise the ladder of deconhood.

- I believe she was born into the cult, but perhaps her grandparents + young adult parents joined.

- when she was young, by choice, she became an eunuch. (castrated.) or a sort of, based on actual history, a *castrado/ crastradi.

kinda some canon stuff around it, or left on the cutting floor(heh) by redbarrels. Art of Val with bloody lower parts possibly by self mutilation. Its mentioned in letters she cant have kids, which makes sense if deacons weren't allowed to have children as it'd be a distraction from church duty's. But also that despite her revolt, you'd think she'd be obsessed about making kids herself afterwards (if it wasn't a physical limitation). Being the parent of the Antichrist with easily acceptable/ consenting followers on her side of the river etc etc.

*a castrado/ crastradi was a very young boy (like 7yo - 9yo) who performed in opera, but before passing puberty was castrated. The point was to stop puberty in order to retain their higher pitched immature voices to preserve their opera careers. This procedure was illegal, aside from opera it also involved churches. This affected them in many other physical ways such as bone structure, lack of facial hair and having womanly figures to the point others assumed they were women until having personal interactions with them.

A castrado/ crastradi is different from a eunuch in that the early is before puberty while the other is after.

Very fascinating to read about. :v/

many people pass, in general vals self mutilation, off story wise because it “cant be done.” from blood loss to infection, etc etc. but they did do it years ago with above in very similar conditions. Kids were handed a bottle of heavy alcohol to knock out, get castrated, and wake up days later to a “good luck with your extreme pain” and no modern medicine. Some doctors who did it tried to be more merciful and kept the kids heavily drunk for DAYS after. (if we can have a nanobot swarm and experiments running around, Val surviving a castration can get a pass.)

anywhooo, I like placing Val on the cusp of castrado/ crastradi and eunuch to “explain” her physical “oddities.” where she was castrated maybe close to/ very beginning of puberty, but not quite in it. (and in some other story's I just made her a hermaphrodite, but I prefer the other idea.)

Adult life

- before the Murkoff tower went haywire and Knoth ordered her kids dead. she was stern, but a lot softer in an actual motherly way. Being a deacon was all about managing the community and kind of like a manager position. Planning events, setting up for church assembly's, seeing to peoples spiritual needs. Enough so that she got a following of her own to split away with later. Being charming and a good listening ear would have added onto that and I imagine Knoth may have rarely taken advice or suggestions. Even if she subtly fed it to him in a -make it his idea- way.

- her relationship with Marta I take as coworker friends of convenience. They hang out around work/ on break, but nothing past that. So when Val eventually broke off, Marta didn't care for or miss her.

- When things broke down/ child cull it was a horrible combo that lead her down, probably a few mental breakdowns as well, the most anti-god path she could go. It may have even started in a drug addiction like way. Feeling major freedom to energized before the bigger issues of addiction showed.

Because she interacts with the radio signals differently it may have given her an energy buzz that physically felt nice in more ways then one. And leaned into it, because there was obviously a lot going on in her life. To be away from it meant she had to face herself and her own children's blood on her hands. With absolutely no one there to help her, she was more so the advice giver as head deacon. Not the other way around. The only other person for that would've been Knoth, and we know he probably guilted, blamed and shrugged what traumas she had going on.

Leading into the radio towers being faulty, she got the courage to start those secret meetings. And going against Knoths teachings more freely.

Such as the note of a lady telling Knoth that Val was trying to have her go someplace secret. Suggesting “something sexual.” but also interesting was them noting Val's behavior as odd in comparison (doesn't define what). Which could be taken two ways- Val was a nightmare before and the offer is even more terrifying or that their personality has done a 180, and not acting like her normal self.

Not knowing what it was, she could only go with it being a god like power or a watchful being of some sort. She knew something/ someone was THERE, just not where. As if attempting to grab onto fog because she didn't have all the pieces to connect the tower/ Murkoff and so such.

over time the addiction issues came out like nightmares/ hallucinations/ physically ill etc. by the time she may have noticed things going poorly, she had no way to back out as the signals got worse. Feeding into it certainly had not helped.

Making this whole separate personality that over took her life and even made her forget what was going on. like with Blake going through the school, but hers would have been the children's cull as its based off of ones inner guilt. Feeling repeated waves of guilt + revived hatred would have easily lead her down a dark road to cause as much misery as possible to Knoth/ his followers. Adding on the sexual thrill crossing into violent killings the radio waves cause as well and its all the more a mess.

This whole part really requires its own novel length dissection and break down its worsening progress. from its beginnings to really get the meat of the massive shift of personality's. If you consider all the mentioned notes dates happening within a year. Then the children's cull happened in early March. Then a few months later started the heretics in June. then four (seven from the cull) months later Blake and Lynn crash into Temple Gate in October. You can see how fast Temple Gate really began to break down under the faulty tower despite existing for 40 years. Weather or not the experiment began only recently and not alongside its establish date.

[sarromanni]

sometimes i feel like some goofy little teenage girl with her silly illness and other silly problems that nobody knows about. and i enjoy being like this, i enjoy writing stupid things on my blog that receive two likes. i look in the mirror and i may hate what i see but i also imagine myself a few kilograms skinnier and that makes me happier. im daydreaming in school, thinking about all the things i can be once i lose all this weight. i go home, fall onto my bed, open tumblr and look at all these posts of people that actually understand me.

but there are days when i realize that this is just an illusion. that im actually falling apart and the fact that i romanticize it is making it even worse. i have nobody to talk to, nobody who gets me. i always get into stupid arguments about food with my parents or that one friend of mine. i cant eat until somebody suggests it. i hear my classmates talking about ana, one explaining it to the other and the other one saying "i dont even now the difference between ana and bul!m!a." "how can somebody be so stupid?" and im sitting there, feeling even more lonely. looking at those people who are loosing weight the healthy way, not understanding how they dont have eds. comparing myself to children, to random people on the streets. wondering which one of them also has an ed. overthinking every single bite, regreting it after. excersizing even tho im a dizzy mess, drinking tons of energy drinks, messing up my stomach. dressing into oversized clothes so nobody can see how horrible i look. covering every inch of my body, wishing i could also cover my ugly face. looking in the mirror and feeling absolutely nothing but pure pain. its not only about my stomach, thighs and arms. its about my cheecks, my fingers, my neck. every part of me feels fat, some parts with to be dead. its about my face, how i could never be "pretty skinny girl" but only "ugly skinny girl." and how im not even that. how im just fat. the fatest.

what if im faking it?

what if im faking it everytime i plan what im gonna eat in the whole week on monday morning. what if im faking it everytime i step on the scale, naked, making sure my pants dont weight 5kg. what if im faking it everytime i have to drink caffeine just to be able to walk.

what if im faking it because im so obviously not sick enough?